IT IS LIKE LOSING A CHILD

make sure the apr 15 post is done

sept 9

sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit.

ok took some nyquil, full 30 mL, at 6.15pm.

i just wanted to know what she wanted me to take away from this. in other words, did she WANT to hurt me? yes or no? And that I can’t tell. well at least i can say i didn’t deserve fookin painful revenge like that. but i want to know if she wanted to hurt me or not. normal people dont want to hurt anyone.

once again, the simplest explanation is the best: she didnt REALLY WANT to hurt me, but she just took the path of least resistance. least resistance. we already knew she didnt like trying or putting in effort.

heh. did you WANT to HURT me? the only time i ever wanted to hurt anyone was when some gurl totally broke my heart and then went on to enjoy her life of being a carefree fun luving slut, and i still sorta saw them sometimes. i wanted them to feel a little bit of the pain i was feeling, to be more remorseful for breaking muh heart. i wanted whatever chad THEY luved, to break THEIR heart.

yeah i guess i felt that for her too. but it was never really strong hate or anything. just sadness and disappointment and oh god my life is over. i didnt want to K myself but I did feel there was nothing to live for hahahahaha. one of the most important people in muh life was gone forever.

the other day i was watching die hard 1 on tv and i was like sheeeeeeeeeeeit its SHAMEFUL that I never really sat down and watched this all the way thru, because this is a CLASSIC that I can TOTALLY understand how people have watched it HUNDREDS of times and is their favorite Action Thriller of All Time. People have seen it 100s of times, can recite every line, every movement, and I totally see why. yet i had never even seen it ONCE.  i mean i had seen bits and pieces of course. but the whole movie beginning to end? nope. and that is a SHAME. that is SAD.

of course it is totally the type of movie i would luv to watch while cuddling with a waifu. like that woman. do i want to cuddle and watch die hard with this woman? or am i indifferent? i better not be!

sept 10

hmm i am wondering if i should officially lower my price to 12 dollars an hour hahahaha. probably yes.

heh. i think nyquil on friday is much better than nyquil on saturday. because now i will be ready to Job Search like a maniac on monday hahahaha.

hmmm i didnt realize nick caves 15 year old son had died and that is basically the reason for his harrowing new album “skeleton tree”. i was fortunate enough to see cave live in 2014 and that was just wonderful, awesome, unforgettable, very special, type of thing you ideally want to share with someone special although i was more than happy to go alone hahahaha. i was pretty indisposed during 2015 and didnt even know his son had died. basically tripping on ACID and he fell off a CLIFF. jeez.

of course he is very private and was not giving interviews, just had this album and an accompanying movie, and i guess both are really intense, as you might imagine. yeah that is really tragic. yeah that will take a few years to get over yikes. supposedly caves father dying when he (nick) was 19 had a YUGE impact on his life, and i have no doubt this will also have a huge impact on him. lot of pain and grief and loss to deal with. but at least he has an attractive faithful wife for the past 17 years hahahahahahahahaha.

i dunno. nick cave is just a great one of a kind guy, and he doesnt need any more grief. but i wish he gave like regular sermons on morality so i could ascertain exactly how degenerate he is hahahahaha. because i suspect he is quite nondegenerate. although he prob was back in his youth. drugs and sluts and shit. but now he is deep and good and possibly religious!

and yeah the concert was fantastic, him as a 57 year old man, didnt matter, whole band (seeds) was electrifying. totally awesome. glad to have been privileged to see that show. definite bucket list shit there. for sure. probably wont ever see them again. but really should if i get the chance.

heh. it is kind of like me losing HER. that is how pure and giving muh love was. totally unconditional. like the love you have for your child. and then they are just ripped out of your life one day. like cave says, you are changed whether you like it or not. you are instantly a different person. you dont even know how to relate to yourself any more. we dont like change, which is fine, but what do you do when life changes you instantly and permanently? you are in a state of confusion, and I guess this new album captures this confusion and uncertainty very well. he is just LOST.

and you just cant replace your son the way you replace lovers. oh youll find someone better. oh i guess it wasnt meant to be. nope. never gonna happen here. you just have to live with that Huge Hole In Your Heart and Life.

so maybe I should listen to this album, maybe it could help me hahahaha.

album

and its less than 40 minutes, not some 80 minute bloated monstrosity, even better.

movie trailer. i guess a lot of it was filming shortly after his son died. YIKES. INTENSE GRIEF AND PAIN.

but yeah that is totally how i would describe my loss hahahahahah. when you get dumped people tell you to get over it and she wasnt the one and oh well guess it wasnt meant to be. well instead, show them this film and when they are Numb and Crying at the end, see if they would say that shit to you hahahahaha.

so yeah thank u nick cave for explaining to the world that MY grief and loss is like Losing A Child, hehehehehehe.

so you say thats inappropriate, you can never luv your waifu like you luv your child.

well i say who are you to say that. i say ok fine its not exactly, but it is much more similar than you think! unconditional, abiding, long lasting, it never truly dies, its there thru thick and thin, good times and bad. its not some passing phase, cant be replaced.

you have this numb and confused look on your face like nick cave hehehehe. but you are not numb all the time. sometimes youre numb, many times you are confused and sad and devastated and dont know how youre going to adapt to this Big Life Change. when someone is such a big part of your life, than when they leave, YOU CHANGE.  IT CHANGES YOU and you didnt WANT to be changed like this.

now, all the people that have lost children are gonna be offended. ok fine. i guess losing your waifu is not AS bad. but it’s CLOSER to losing a child, than it is to losing some meaningless, forgettable, disposable, replaceable piece of meat on the carousel of meat. its not some passing phase.

dont tell me she was just a disposable replaceable piece of meat to me by saying i should get over her quickly!

of course i would like her to feel that i was important to her too.

i think i was for a while…..but then that ended. it was just a phase hahahaha. she didnt luv me like she would luv her child. of course, many women can make excuses to K their own children! i cant even fathom!

https://bu.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/5213un/my26f_ex28m_ghosted_and_now_is_happy_with_someone/

https://bu.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact

heh i wish she DID give me “BREADCRUMBS!” because that would mean she still cared, and maybe there was a CHANCE, and would let me bang her HARD, and that would prob be enough to make her fall in luv with me! breadcrumbs means shes giving you a CHANCE, WILLING to talk or hang out or do SOMETHING!

MANY normies just dont understand No Contact. when we autists try no contact, THEY contact US and be like oh i havent talked to you in a while.

i guess i was just kinda shocked to see that she was so willing to do no contact as well.

lots of guys threaten to K themselves too. dont leave me or ill K muh self! this is about the worst thing you could do, it makes you the bad guy, an abuser, a manipulator, a sneaky pathetic little J. I am SO glad I never did that. It’s about on par with stalking in the Creeper Checklist.

I mean I don’t think these things are so creepy, i mean you are just expressing the intense pain you are feeling!

i mean when you are being dumped you cant think straight! you can’t really intentionally manipulate someone!!!! you just act reflexively! you make nothing but impaired decisions on anything! your mind is completely fooked up! sheeeit you might just K yourself! right in front of her hahahaha. but you probably wouldnt hurt her hehehehe.

anyway i am SO GLAD that the creepiest thing I did was just write an email. Begging for communication. really that wasnt creepy AT ALL. so I am grateful for that. I could have been a LOT creepier. but instead I was well behaved and wasnt creepy at ALL.

i was pathetic sure. beeta. omeega. please respond. please dont throw me away like a piece of garbage. please try to be a little nicer to me, please dignify our friendship and tell me i meant anything to you and that you dont WANT to hurt me. acknowledge muh pain please. please end this better.

but no stalking, no threats hahahaha. i mean i had some “dark thoughts” sure. thank GOD I dont get those any more!

was in church and there was like an 18 year old gurl at the oldest a few rows ahead of me. she was kinda chubby and potatoey but she had a very cute nice face and hair and this honestly nullified all the potatoeyness. she was there with her father who himself was pretty soft and potatoey but seemed like a nice guy. i hope she doesnt become a slut. i thought about Asking Her Out in the middle of church, or maybe asking her father. for permission to date his 17 year old daughter hahahahaha. GREAT.

but yeah theres the Protector and Provider sense.  in a way you are like their new father, and they are like your child that you protect and provide for. so thats partially why its like losing a child. a child that you fook hard like some kind of porno slut hahahahaha.

no contact. WOMEN, never fook or suck a man unless it would take you two full years of No Contact to Get Over Him. thats how serious you must be about the man.

went for 2.8 mile powerwalk, listened to that new nick cave album, not really a fun listen, there are no real song type songs on it, really just kinda like poems with atmospheric ambient background music, like his previous album pushed towards that extreme. no catchy hit songs.

 

hehehehehehe

lot of good stuff here, i know his feels all too well, except he is younger and has more experience and is gonna have a sweet engin degree soon hhahahaah.

 

GIVING A BULLSH1T NONANSWER IS NOT A RESOLUTION

aug 15

sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit.

hey i appreciate everyone that follows and reads this blog hahahaha. even if you are all just scammers trying to turn your self improvement blog into your JOB. hey i guess im doing the same thing, in a veyr low energy, low effort way.

had interview today for 20 hour a week, 11 dollar job. i will take the job if they offer. they seemed nice. wore blue suit. tried to seem normie. apparently help is available if you get stuck.

intvited to interview for 42k ft job next monday. county IT department. horry sheet. i hate these because i am not worth 42k. i am worth more like 28k or 30k. why can’t they interview me for those jobs. WHY DONT THOSE JOBS EXIST OR GET POSTED?

yo either make 9 bucks an hour, or you make 40k a year. NO inbetween hahahaha.  that is so stupid.

http://www.online-stopwatch.com/cash-clock/

did i link this yet. my new favorite form of countdown clock / stopwatch.

this could seriously provide a LITTLE extra motivation. and that shit is VALUABLE. VALUE-ADDED hahahaha.

i just think its fooking DISGUSTING that you HAVE to bang a broad QUICKLY in order for you to ever have a CHANCE with her. I dont WANT to be with the type of SKANK who BANGS QUICKLY.

just the WAY women “date” is DISGUSTING. So naturally the idea of Dating does not sound fun to me, but rather DISGUSTING. just a bunch of dirty sluts fooking like a bunch of muh dik ingras. god damn. and if you dont fook them like sluts on the first date then you have no chance of having a real rel. and they cant see how stupid and wrong and disgusting it is to fook on the first date (or the 5th date, hahaha.)

just got 2 rejections from same company, including application i sent just an hour ago. damn.

MAYBE they are one of those asshole companies that wont even call you for an inteview if you are not current Employed. i wouldnt be surprised. fook shitcvnt shitphags.

heh. the one rejection I got right now was for “payment processor” for a requisition 2 months ago. i just applied for the same position title TODAY, but different requisition.

i bet that IS what it is. they just outright reject ANYONE who isnt currently Gainfully Employed. Are You Employed Sir. Get A God Damn Job, Al.

its just so weird though. some damn medical healthcare business services company rejects me outright for a damn 14 dah job, but a damn university will call me to interview for a 45k job. wtf. it just doesnt make any sense. i would need a TEAM of phds and attorneys to explain this to me. I couldnt pay enough money to get this adequately explained for me.

i mean they are both “good” companies but they have completely different policies here.

i just apply to this medical payment place regularly because they are close to home, they are big well known corp, and they are regularly hiring for entry level jobs.

in some ways I could be considered “overqualified” (degree from good school, no spelling mistakes in cover letter hahaha, have a linkedin page, why am I applying for a 13 dah job.) but in other ways I am “underqualified” (do not have 3 years working experience in medical payments processing. current unemployed.)

fook the bullshit!

hey i was willing to take her out on an official date. more than willing hahaha.

i should have been better about Reading Her Signals though. she clearly didnt want that, and rather than say no, she avoided it, cuz its harder for her to say no. ok fine i get that.

i dunno the only thing this teaches me is the value of communication. the importance. and i never fail to mention that in every job interview. good communication is absolutely essential. it is the most important thing. before you have good customer service, you must have good communication.

yeah i forgive her, i dont blame her, i sometimes blame myself for being so stupid and weak and foolish. but not as much as i used to hehehe.

its just fookin stupid as fook. everything about it was stupid. just fookin write me an email PLEASE. god damn. LISTEN to what I am SAYING. dont throw this all away in the most disgraceful way possible. show a little damn respect. dignify the relship with dignity hahaha.

interview today was ok. the woman was nice, but she was also more On Point than any interviewer ever, and went through everything. she was very well prepared hahaha. I appreciated that. and the receptionist was very nice to me, saying dont be nervous, the people youll be talking to are very nice. I smiled and said thank you.

hehehe when you are on your 14(88)th interview and its a 20 hour a week job, you just dont get nervous hehehe.

well at least when i have another nice female friend, 7/10, 25 years old, n<4, and we get along GREAT, I know how to handle it better when I fall in luv with her hahaha.

im trying to make the point that I have never made a female friend who was So Dateable. My other female friends, i never had any actual interest in them like that, in fact maybe I found them a little “too slutty” hahahaha. but I did not really judge them on that believe it or not. I was able to appreciate them apart from them being sluts. but I wouldnt want to date sluts like that!

yeah it sounds mean. they were nice people. dating them would have been crazy and bad tho, is all Im saying. in a way that it absolutely wouldntve with That Woman. Who was nice, not crazy, and not slutty.

365 jobs is what muh number is up to now.

i just hate majorly screwing things up. majorly majorly majorly screwing things up. you feel bad, feel a lot of GUILT and SHAME.

5 mile powerwalk.

applied to hospital job using the worst peoplesoft application ever. saw i was “not selected” for a job i applied to 3 days ago. but never got an email notifying me. THANKS. that was for an office assistant job. the one I just applied to now is “administrative assistant 1”. i am sure i will be “not selected” for that too.

it just sucks to go to college and be a 35 year old nevergf neet and you can’t even get an INTERVIEW for an OFFICE ASSISTANT job where you just need a HS education. that triggers and rustles me WAY more than going to an interview and not getting the job. at least then I get SOME confidence, get some experience, get to add to muh pile of interviews. and it tells me i am a finalist, i am one of the 10 best applicants. for a god damn 13 dah office asssistant job. not even an ADMINISTRATIVE assistant hahahaha.

very likely THEY dont like unemployed people too. god DAMN.

so the lesson learned is to REAPPLY to all these places once i get some kind of job, like this 20 hour a week job i interviewed today. way to get ahead of myself. they are interviewing 5 or 6 other people here. so i have like a 16% chance of getting the job hahaha.

i like that cash clock. it makes me feel like im actually making money and doing something productive when i apply for these jobs. like im getting PAID to do job applications. im not of course, but it feels like it just a little bit. like i am making money doing work, rather than just trying to get as low a time as possible! im still doing that too, but now im also MAKING MONEY for it! im not of course but even if i can make it feel like that a LITTLE bit. its a motivator.

as i was doing the powerwalk today i saw a qt young woman. in my neighborhood. i walked RIGHT BY HER. i was caught VERY off guard. I saw her way up ahead earlier on and did a double take, who is that nonfat youngish woman? and then i turned the corner about 15 minutes later and there she was! i hate passing people, but her i sort of looked at her and smiled and said hello, which the friendly normies do. most young attractive women HATE when balding betas do this, its literally rape. but she actually seemed to smile back at me! and i was like whoooooooaaaaaa should i go running back after her and ask her out to dinner? i did not expect that at all. I do not expect niceness or pleasantness from qt young women! And I totally get why! They dont like omega males, never have, never will. I more expect women to be cold and bitchy to me, i get SURPRISED and CAUGHT OFF GUARD when they smile and are nice. I can’t say I dislike it though! It was part of how me and that woman got along so well. she was FRIENDLY to me. she SMILED at me. when I very unused to women SMILING at me. it’s NICE, i LIKE it, but i am totally unaccustomed to it.

i was not wearing glasses so i couldnt tell anything about the woman other than she was not old and she was not hideous and she had a friendly look on her face. when i first saw her i couldnt tell if she was 13 or 23 or 33. if she was 13, thats bad. but i think she was actually an appropriate age. maybe she was an Eastern European Immigrant. if so, EVEN BETTER. real tradwife material!

it was the first time i ever saw her. if i ever see her again, I should ask her out to dinner. or lunch. or coffee. or ice cream. i mean im supposed to take her out for drinks and fook her on the first date if i want any chance at marrying her hahahaha.

anyway it reminded me how qt women being nice to you can make you forget about Other Past Women pretty effectively.

women have the attention of secsy guys all the time, makes it easier for the women to forget about men.

but omega males, we are so used to women being neutral (or negative) to us, that its a little WEIRD to have a woman be POSITIVE to us. but its the type of weird id like to get used to!

never say never again, 1983. sean connery came BACK to playing bond after like a 10 year hiatus. was there a hiatus? or did roger moore not enter until after 1983? i dont know, dont really care, i just thought connery was done with bond well before 83. also, kim basinger was VERY attractive in 1983. i mean shit i would prob still bang her 33 years later…..but she was a total 9/10 in 1983 hahahahahaha.

AM I THE ONLY PERSON ON THE WHOLE INTERNET WHO REALIZES THAT INDEED ALERTS SUCKS!!????!?!?!?!?!?!!

there are NO comments from other butthurt people like me. who can’t FIND the alerts they thought they had, tha

https://subscriptions.indeed.com/

AYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TOP SECRET INDEED PAGE INDEED DOES NOT WANT YOU TO KNOW ABOUT, RIGHT THERE!!!!!!

thats ALL I want. A list of ALL my active alerts on ONE page.

of course, there’s no link to EDIT the alerts from this page. that would make WAY too much sense.

searching my gmail TRASH folder for indeed alert EMAILS that contain a CANCEL link at the bottom.

http://www.indeed.com/my/alerts?from=nav

by my GOD, THIS page is the worst abomination EVER. a fooking ABORTION. it doesnt work, it hasn’t worked for MONTHS, and indeed does not care. this kind of OBVIOUS CORNER CUTTING and SHITTY QUALITY triggers me to no end. just because anyone above level 1 can just HIDE BEHIND level 1 indians saying we are so sorry for the inconvenience, but right now there are no plans to implement this feature. HOPE THIS HELPS! and thanks for choosing indeed. and they mark that as a RESOLVED CASE. NO. ITS NOT RESOLVED AT ALL. GIVING A BULLSHIT NONANSWER IS NOT A RESOLUTION. GOD DAMN.

and i hated being in the position where I was the level 1 schmuck who had to give the bullshit nonanswer!!!!!

She didnt care. She just gave the bullshit. she was so stupid she didnt even KNOW it was bullshit. shes just like whatever its a job, lemme just listen to music while i give bullshit nonanswers, cant wait to get out and smoke MJ, set up some chill hangouts with hot bois from tinder and okcupid, its so fun being single and dating for the first time in my life, and im glad to be done with that asshole jerk bitchboi who i thought was my friend but he just wanted to fook me! all men are jerks and liars who only want one thing! well two can play that game! besides he was a 35 year old virgin weirdo, i was WAY out of his league! gross!

and this is why you dont work at a terrible bullshit job with the woman you are in luv with hahaha.

so just go to dinner with the nice qt gurl from the neighborhood, or the qt dark haired woman at the weekly game. i dont see any of these women regularly or consistently, tho. NO EXCUSE!

basically, when i had my easy job from 2008 to 2013, i did not do NEARLY enough job searching. i did pretty good with schooling, in the sense i took a lot of classes that didnt do much. shit i KNOW i had a COUPLE interviews here and there kinda randomly, but i certainly didnt get the jobs. then i got the bigboy job in late 13 because they would hire ANYONE, LITERALLY. they hired a ton and fired a ton.

point is, right NOW, my jobseraching skills are the BEST theyve ever been. in terms of muh system. muh spreadsheet. muh indeed alerts. a few careerbuilder alerts. muh PACKET. muh folders of bookmarks. organization information. email alerts. i didnt have ANY of that before. until NOW really. 2016. current year. yeah thats shameful. but i would often miss out on jobs because i didnt KNOW about them, and i would think ehhhh shit i dont want to dig up addresses and phone number of every employer for goddamn PROFILES you have to fill out. i was way too LAZY about jobseraching when i had that job at that time. then i got the new job and had no time to do anything. just study the shit and try not to panic.

aug 16

heh. i want a BOOK or a 20 hour documentary on what Long Term Unemployed or Long Term Kissless Virgin Nevergf does to men. Neetness. there is the occasional article saying it can lead to despair. NO SHIT. i am looking for something that explores all this in depth. i guess that this is my niche, my calling, the doumentary i must make myself.

i thought about hanging out with that qt random woman and her being nice to me and smiling at me and cuddling with me and i thought HOLY SHIT what a BIG DEAL that would be, that would totally TRANSFORM me, i am totally MISSING OUT on something BIG.

and this is all from getting one small polite smile from a woman where I really couldnt tell how attractive she was.

well she seemed moderately attractive, maybe even the ever Problematic 7/10, otherwise i wouldnt have reacted so positively!

then they say, youre overreacting, its not gonna TRANSFORM YOU, if you got what you wanted, you’d soon find you were unhappy again, because you REALLY need to change something within yourself.

ok FINE. then i challenge you to PROVE me wrong by giving me that chance. give me a nice qt gf for a year and we’ll see if it TRANSFORMS me or not, hahahahahaha. if it doesnt, i will accept defeat humbly.

just GIVE ME A CHANCE.

although admittedly “chance” for me means more than “one strike and youre out.” give me at least 3 strikes hahahaha.

heh. we were both saying PLEASE STAHP to each other. she was saying please stahp pushing me to hang out and please stahp having weird feelings for me, I was saying please stahp avoiding me and ignoring me and not hanging out with me ever.

recipe for disaster.

stupid fookin jobs. so fookin retardedly stupid. i wish i didnt have to deal with this and i could have just lived with HER happily ever after.

but at least now i am applying for jobs and jobsearching with a pretty solid good system, and also sometimes noticing other women and feeling excited when they smile at me hahaha.

starting to think more seriously about focusing intentionally on part time jobs, and using that as a stepping stone to a full time job, because SOME COMPANIES automatically reject you if you are Currently Unemployed. ESPECIALLY if longer than 3 months. which it certainly has been!

in the sense that a little while ago, i was avoiding applying for part time jobs, and saying NO i NEED a full time job……when relally part time jobs are EASIER and they can HELP you in ultimately getting a FT job. so you dont get painted with the brush of “long term unemployed loser.”

this was kind of funny, its sad that kyle and sinead are so god damn confrontational , well especially sinead hahaha. not just confrontational but she insults and disparages good people with good messages. it doesnt have to be this way! you dont have to be such a drama causing bitch!

and kyle really is a handsome man. and sinead has some good, but the bad outweighs the good. i hope sinead is not leading kyle around by the balls, or making him do an open rel, and why for the love of Wodinn dont you just SAY that kyle is your husbando and that he is the father of your child…….UNLESS HE ISNT??????? in other words, sinead is super untrustworthy. but i think kyle can be redeemed, but he has to break free of sineads spell first.

so sad and frustrating to see healthy looking young white people be pro-white…..but mix it up with such stupid shit. they can do SO much better. they even have a sense of HUMOR!!!!

and its SAD that sinead is irreparably damaged. im not even sure how you could fix her. well find her a white man whos not afraid to put her in her place, get many more babies out of her, and keep her away from the internet!!!!! kyle does not look like he’s gonna be that strong man. besides, why would any man  DESERVE such a High Maintenance Handful? A strong man should be able to do BETTER than her, in other words.

but maybe an ex mudshark slut who is totally crazy is good enough for ME, an ex degen whos not a big winner. but i would STILL have to develop a VERY strong hand to keep her in her place!!!! and i dont have that yet! also i am nowhere near as handsome as kyle!

ok its a bit easier to do 28 minute job applications when you are listening to music at the same time. have to do that more reg.

applied for City job, US Attorneys Office FEDGOV USAJOBS job, and uhh hospital job where i have 40 other applications and never an interview. discriminating against the longterm unemployed hahahaha.

sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit. busy day. was getting ready to go to shrink and got call from Electronics Company that I had applied to 900000000000000000 times but never heard a god damn thing. and now i hear from them. why now? why open this job to 500 new applicants every month? how am I in the Elite Pool? was it because I updated the profile to have Muh Packet? they use a Bad Taleo (there is a Good Taleo believe it or not) where its impossible to tell whats really attached to your application.

recruiter gurl talks to me, catches me way off guard, said….holy shit she has 5700 followers on linkedin and has a very powerful linkedin premium account. it is like i am being contacted by the fookin bill gates of Talent Acquisition and Recruiting.

when i am contacted off guard by someone, i always fear that i sound like a rude or distracted asshole or autist. i did the best i could, tried to be as nice as i could, and was able to sched an interview for friday (today is tues.) they wanted me to come in tomorrow. i hate coming in TOMORROW.  (but not as much as much as coming in TODAY hahahaha.) well they were able to acommodate me on friday actually. good. interview with a panel of 3 men. probably will want to test my knowledge of the company. GREAT.

then as i get out of shrink, get a call on my baterry dying phone from the HOSPITAL that NEVER calls me (except to schedule an interview for TODAY or not at all, hahaha.) they say you put 26000 on salary requirements. I said yes but that is very flexible, what is the range for this position (positngs here NEVER say), they say it starts at 11 bucks an hour, i say thats fine hahaha, see you on……cant do friday errrrr how about monday.

so now i interview with hospital monday morning for dumb 11 dollar part time job…….and then BIGGGGGG interview monday AFTERNOON with county for SWEET 42k job!!!

heh. never had 2 interviews in ONE DAY before, i guess this is a turning point eh?

rejection email from county for 26k job DAMN why cant they just INTERVIEW me for these jobs!!!!! applied 6/15, get rejection on 8/16. ok good.

all these olympic athletes have TRAINERS and COACHES. you dont say go out there and figure out how to win a gold medal. you PRACTICE for YEARS with a COACH who TEACHES you BEST PRACTICES.

bitches.

 

 

EVEN DEGENERATE POLYAMOROUS SLUTS COMMUNICATE

aug 13

you cant even talk to normies about this because theyll be like why were you SO devastated? why didnt you just ignore her? just suck it up? why did you fall SO hard for someone you werent even fooking? why didnt you tell her earlier? its all my fault basically. and it kinda is. not that I MADE her withdraw all kindness, but I did kinda reap what I sowed in several ways.

but she was jsut as immature as i was, and usually 25 year olds are more mature than me hahahahaha. well she was a WOMAN though. women are naturally immature. like children. children who cant keep their legs closed hahahaha.

so yeah normies get their hearts broke but its not as big of a deal to them. or they dont fall so hard for someone they are not dating/fooking.  normies just wouldnt understand. they say yeaaaahhhh something is a little weird about this guy, and he should probably see a shrink and get on some meds already. oh he is? hmm well uhh maybe he should try some diff meds and a diff shrink, the current program isnt working so well hahahaha.

the ironic thing is, I think a Decent Monog Longterm Rel with a Woman WOULD help the majority of foreveralone despairing virgin men, give them real confidence in something that is really meaningful to them, and literally transform them. theyve wanted this for so long but never got it. dont you think them finally achieving it would change their lives?

but maybe it would be like winning the lottery. theyd find a way to fook it up.

i dunno. give them a CHANCE at least. if that woman gave me a CHANCE, i think i would have had a good chance of not fooking it up!

normies also dont understand why it takes us so LONG to get over somebody. so just virginsplain to them that if their wife with whom they have created new life just up and left them without a word and that was it, how long would it take THEM to get over THAT? at LEAST a year.

or the person just dropped dead suddenly one day. but still i think being left is WORSE than that, because you’re not certain that the person who dropped dead WANTED to LEAVE you. as far as you know, they still loved you till the very end.

so yeah this is rougher than a death hahahaha. because they WANT to leave you, they’re still alive out there fooking and loving OTHER guys, and they dont give a DAMN about you and your broken heart and the time you spent together. they’ve FORGOTTEN about you entirely. dead people cant forget you like this hahahaha. dead peopel arent moving on fooking and loving other people and enjoying life.

you can move on and enjoy all the cox and abortions and tyrones you want, just dump a person the right way, not the wrong way.

implying that women are even capable of doing things the right way.

hehehe well i KNOW they are, because OTHER women have dumped me the right way. and I appreciate it hahaha. thank you so much for dumping me the right way.

ok took shower, go to boring church today. i was trying to “fast” until 12pm, that would give me 18 hours of “fasting.” the old 18/6 as opposed to the 16/8 hahahahaha. i was starting to ger hungery so yeah. then ate 290 calorie breakfast/lunch.

ive been VERY good about not looking her up on linkedin or facebook or instagram or google. VERY good. so +1 to me hahahaha. i mean i wouldnt be able to see any more than her fb profile picture, but that’s bad enough. to even see ONE picture of her would be WAY too much.

then i think about people who are Friends with their Exes 4 Lyfe. I just cant wrap my mind around it at all!

i mean it could possibly be doable if BOTH peopel mutually agreed that the rel was over and that NEITHER person wanted to work on it. and NEITHER person wanted the other back. i guess I am envious to have such a Mutual, Amicable Breakup hahahaha.  seems a lot less stressful than knowing you have to restrain yourself from seeing even ONE picture or ONE comment or ONE reminder that they are still alive, for YEARS.

like i am thinking of these people i will see at this little labor day event. the one guy is married and has a kid and his wife and maybe kid will be there with him…..but he is still friends with his ex gf from 10 years ago! and they dated for several years and she was kinda crazy! and she is married to some other guy now. and she is going to this thing as well! they still see each other once a year or so! heh if i were his wife i would be suspicious hahahaha. its called a break up because its BROKEN hahahaha. but then youre jealous, youre the bad guy. maybe he gets a freecard to fook her hahahaha. now im just speculating. but this guy had a LOT more wild oats than me, he was pretty much an alpha male ladies man. now he has a good career and a nice wife and child. hehehehe funny to think that when  first met him he was an 18 year old kinda nerdy kid who had only had 1 GF hahaha (much more than i had had as a nerdy 18 year old hahaha) and I kinda Corrupted him by introducing him to MJ!!!!

well he turned out MORE than all right and I turned into a big loser hahaha. maybe winner normies can be issue free friends with their x’es. i just don’t want him to do anything DEGENERATE, because he’s a good guy and he can do BETTER than that. of course nothing degenerate has actually happened to my knowledge! i just think its weird to be friends with your x’s and to have the x at a holiday weekend with your wife and the wife is fine with it too!

meanwhile i have to make a concerted effort to never look at a single picture of HER ever again, and we didnt even date for 2-3 years and fook 6000000000000000 times like this guy and his x did!

so i am a bit jelly of a serious relationship ending without any Lingering Trauma hahahaha.

and they still have SOME sort of relationship technically!

how does his wife feel about this? how does her husbando feel about this? is she still married to the husbando? i dont think THEY had any kids. i dont fully trust her, although i always got along with her. i wouldnt want to be in a rel with her! she was kinda crazy, in the way that you can never fully trust crazy! she went on to be wildly successful and started doing a phd but then left after the masters level to make tons of money in Private Industry. probably not in a call center hahahaha.

i guess i am also envious of crazy people who can still be extremely successful despite their despair or bipolar or whatever.

anyway shes ok, she’s white, thats the main thing, so she should go down to part time and have some white kids. her husbando had a high paying job in finance or some shit. controller or CFO or some high level, high wealth Career. she can afford to take some time off and have babies. 3 of them. i think he’s white too. could be Jooish but I don’t think so. could be though. has dark hair. i never met him. but if he’s white, they should have kids. but she might pass her crazy on to them? she’s not a bad person though. would i trust her with homeschooling children? maybe. i mean having children could well be very good for her.

anyway i dont hate her, i just thought she was kinda weird, and i was a bit annoyed by her overachieving. it paid off in an impressive career though!

anyway i anticipate i will get along with her just fine, i always did before, and she was always nice to me and me to her. situation is just kinda weird is all. but theres no point for me to tell HER that! or him. if it doesn’t bother either of them, it doesnt matter.

i am just obsessed with Relationships in general. and getting Nosy into other people’s business.

especially if i KNOW the people, and there is anything weird about the rels. or the rels are ending or failing. i am interested in the Death of Rels hahahaha.

well their rel certainly didnt DIE! it changed, maybe downgraded, and in a mutual way! me and that woman, our rel just DIED. permanently. DNR. RIP. Although I for sure wanted to resuscitate it!

when you want something for so long, well its not like food and water, you wont DIE……but you do become TWISTED and WEIRD. to have an unscratchable itch for 10, 12, 14 years, and to never experience something that Normies experience.

in the mood for some depressive su1z1dal black metal, i hear this one is pretty good, and i actually remember listening to it like 4 years ago when i first discovered DSBM.

i recall it being ok. it gets good reviews.

i could very well be bipolar hahahaha. only i dont get manic episodes. i just get brief episodes where i am kinda wound up and not thinking straight. well that is a manic episode no? yeah but i am not staying up 3 days in a row Tweaking and doing impulsive shit. but i am generally “one extreme or the other” in my thoughts and attitudes. so maybe i have “mild bipolar” and taking some lithium would help me be more productive and successful.

churn out moar job apps, get thru moar interviews, and once i get a job, survive its shittiness one day at a time. put myself out on okcupid and try to get the table scraps there hahahaha. Post HER, I cant imagine ever Loving another woman again.

i mean why SHOULD you lower your standards when you are looking to spend the rest of your LIFE with somebody and you want to create THREE NEW LIVES with them? does it make ANY sense to lower your standards for that? FOOK NO!!!! Either I luv them the same or MORE than i luved her, or NO new lives will be created!!!!!!!!1111

WHY THE HELL SHOULD YOU CREATE NEW LIFE AND SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH SOMEBODY YOU ARE NOT MADLY IN LUV WITH?

or to rephrase that, someone you are just kinda “MEH” about. i realize Mad Luv fades, but i am implying that it Of COURSH follows with a deep, abiding, Loyal, Foundational, Strong, Faithful Luv.

coldworld just came out with his first album in 8 years hahahaha. cover is a little corny but album is allegedly good hahahaha.  not really DSBM as much as melancholic black metal hahahaha. i recall the melancholie2 album was decent. prob better with some MJ and good headphones hahahaha.

yeah well though i have trouble reaching muh goals, at least i have a good family and i am not a superfat slob anymore. still want to lose 10 more pounds tho. and it will be the hardest.

also now i have nice clothes to wear in the interview. and nice friends who remember me after years and invite me places. i mean i am kinda nervous because i dont have any stories to tell, and i am a huge loser and they are all happy winner normies. but i try to not ram my loser weirdo neetness down their throat, and try to be as normie as i can. play down my loserness and insecurity and self-loathing cuz i know that comes across as VERY overbearing. so i dont overbear others with it. just in this blog and when i am by myself!

i didnt overbear HER with it either, she had barely any idea how crazy i am! i just overbeared her with pathetic pleas to pleeeeeeease hang out with meeeeeeeeee pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease respond.

aug 14

just spent all day reading about metal, mainly DSBM, but some regular non DSBM like this quebec nationalist black metal band forteresse, sheeeeeit all sorts of black metal. very close to giving ruins of beverast another chance.

well lets just put it this way, i like metal Solo Projects with Real Drums. Drum machines suck. also when you add more people it risks diluting the musical vision and purity. 2-person bands are also ok.

so basically you just tell women you want to HANG OUT and then you use a little GAME and if the first “date” goes ok, then you can get a second date, and then you bang them on the second date. this is insanely slutty!

it is so insane and disgusting and horrifying that THAT WOMAN is doing exactly that with a carousel of guys she meets on dating sites and tinder!

i guess this is women’s programming to get pregnant as soon as possible, by any means necessary. and then you NEED to have an abortion or oops baby to teach you a lesson. and then you forget that lesson after a few months, become a slut again, and have another abortion or oops baby.

ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING.

welp i generally dont like 80 minute albums but might as well dive in here. i think some dude MJ lmao and good headphones would help a lot here. unfortuantely i have neither hehehe.

well even the pickup guys who like to bang sluts say that half of women dont bang on the second date. this is great news.

heh maybe half of THEM bang on the THIRD date. so, 75% of women bang on 3rd date, 88% on 4th, 94% on 5th, 97% on 6th, 99% on 7th, hahahahaha. doing a little rounding there.

i dunno. i am still not over her. she was SPECIAL to me goddamn it! she wasnt some random slut! yet to other guys she wilfull presents herself as a random slut. unbelieveable. disgusting. revolting.

interview tomorrow for part time job. 12k a year hahahahaha. well at least its permanent part time hahahaha. and i have worked with this organization before. but it is IMPOSSIBLE to get a full time job here. you have to REALLY know someone powerful . i thought i did, but i either didnt know them well enough or they werent powerful enough. prob both.

went for powerwalk. lyrinx was meh, ruins of beverast was interesting, not as bad production as i expected, but still pretty rough.

anyway i dont like having a special rel thrown away like it was not special. it makes me think the WHOLE THING was an illusion….WHEN IT WASNT.

also, i probably did NOT do something HORRIBLY WRONG AND BAD…..although it was very confusing and bad for me because i got the same reaction as if i had, and it was ENTIRELY up to me to cnvince myself that i hadn’t! and i am not very good at that!

also, i never want to do anything terrible, but i am aware that i might do something terrible, and i want someone to let me know so i can learn from it and never do it again! and she sort of let me know that i did something terrible.

but she DIDNT. she didnt do ANYTHING. maybe i did something bad, maybe I didnt.

http://www.online-stopwatch.com/cash-clock/

hehehehe time is money wagie, tick tock, back to work, another day another dollar.

so yeah i like it when the woman lets you know you didnt do anything terrible that makes you a terrible person, they say its not you its me. i like that. its cliche but it WORKS, it really MEANS something.

i dont want to be such an autistic sociopath that i do horrible things without knowing! i dont want to be a terrible person to other poeple!!!11

so yeah she could have been better in letting me know that i was not a terrible person basically.

and it took me a fookin YEAR to convince myself that she was just Overloaded and Ran Away. but jeez. at least send a messenger. send one last message. wasnt our earlier rel important to YOU???!?!?! Im pretty sure it was! dont be DISHONEST and pretend it wasnt!

but yeah its gonna be the father who teaches his daughter morals, including sexual morality. how to pick a good man. how to wait 8 dates before fooking. how to not bang too many guys. how to pick a good guy young. how to not cheat. how to dump a guy the right way. how to not lead a guy on. the mother just cant do this. because women cant TEACH shit. funny how most “teachers” are WOMEN!

so she turned out ok despite no father. she still hurt me greatly and i wish i had never met her. so if i had followed my never associate with fatherless women rule, then i never would have met her (or at least got attached to her), and my life would have been better.

i mean shit. it just sucks when you have to say “I WISH I NEVER MET YOU. YOU MADE MY LIFE WORSE. YOU BROUGHT MORE BAD THAN GOOD. YOU WERE A NET LOSS.”

when people have an Amicable Break Up, they don’t say THAT. they dont wish they never MET the person.

theres this book called The Ethical Slut which used to trigger me because being a slut isnt ethical, but i guess the book assumes a basis of do no harm, and communicate boundaries, and dont treat people like garbage, and how to communicate about awkward feelings in case your fuccboi gets feelings and you just wanna fucc moar fuccbois.

in other words, i would have LOVED being treated with the ethical guidelines advocated by The Ethical SLut hahahaha. i think.

http://candieportfoilo.yolasite.com/resources/The%20Ethical%20Slut.pdf

its NOT OK to NOT COMMUNICATE with your lovers or yourself hahahaha.  THANK YOU. hahahaha

http://openingup.net/

opening up by the degen slut tristan taormino is argued to be the better book.

heh. i am looking to the MOST DEGEN PEOPLE for advice on Ethical, Mature, Healthy Relships hahahaha. THAT is how IMPORTANT good COMMUNICATION is to ALL relationships, even degen slut ones.

EVEN DEGENERATE POLYAMOROUS SLUTS COMMUNICATE.

I agree with them that communication and respecting feelings is important, ethical, and good!

ok i think i have made my point hahahaha.

i watched “Fargo” last night on viceland degen tv. this is one of those movies that i have wanted to watch beginning to end but had never done so. i had seen the first 30 minutes recently and was quite intrigued. so i was glad to see it here and i caught it right at the beginning. decided to watch the whole thing. there were frequent commercials so that did not help. but overall i found it disappointing. it could and should have been a lot better. just because coen brothers are degen J’s doesn’t mean they haven’t made great movies. but some of them are not so great. this one tilts towards that, when I expected it NOT to.

joos writing supergoys seemed pretty condescending, patronizing, like look at these STUPID WHITE HICKS.

did the guys wife end up dying? i felt they really treated her like a piece of meat. thats somebodys mother. even if the kid is a brat and the father is a scumbag.

i guess frances mcdormand was the moral compass and that was ok…..but I would have liked to see that extend to the other goy characters, like the kidnapped wife. i mean did the big goy barbarian just knock her out, or sociopathically kill her like he did everyone else? did the kidnappers have any intention of doing a “fair” trade? were they just gonna kill the wife all along? why? why was the injun beating steven buscemi with a belt? prob because he drew the attention of the po po on him, i guess. but nothing ever happened to the injun. they never arrested him. or maybe they did later.

just seemed kinda lazy and sloppy and i know coen brothers can do better than this.

unless there are buried hints like a david lynch movie.

why was bill macy in financial trouble to begin with? why did he scam 320k from GMAC car loans if he just needed 1 car to give the criminals? it seemed like he wanted 750k to be loaned from his father in law.

maybe im just asking too many questions. but that is what i do. blame muh job. need to know everything about everything.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fargo_(film)

ok so the gmac loan is what he needs the money FOR. but why was he trying to scam them in the first place? gambling? hookers?

and why “fargo” if most of the movie took place in brainerd and minneapolis? he first met the kidnappers in fargo but thats about it.

I mean it was GOOD, but it wasnt nearly as good as i expected. it was disappointing and lazy and sloppy and i feel like i missed something. maybe they edited out important stuff for commercials. i guess the wife is supposed to be dead.

big lebowski was better, raising arizona and millers crossing were WAY better.

this should not be considered a top shelf coen brothers movie. it was lazy and patronizing. how did it win an oscar for best screenplay. how did it become such a phenomenon, with critics and fans shitting themselves over it?

i didnt really like “no country for old men” either.

i did really like the main musical theme of fargo though.

hahahahahahahaha

i didnt think it really SUCKED, I just thought it was ok, not great. is was disappointing and the coens can do better.

i have enjoyed coens films for YEARS and I totally understand and get their style. the layers and subtleties. the dialogue and dialects. ok thats FINE.

i might have liked it more if i saw it years ago, when i was more prone to suck the coen bros jooish dicks.

and i prob would have liked it moar with no commericials, and ucddling with a waifu.

that can make bad movies good.

http://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/why-did-she-break-me

its good to Grieve but dont let it CONSUME you hhahahahaha. easier said than done. well it doesnt consume me as much hahaha. but other things do.

like oh god i am unqualified at everything, incompetent, can never get a job or a woman, completely worthless hahaha.

anyway. sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit.

so lets just assume 50% of women are dirty n>=4 whores and 50% are decent n<4 marriageable women. because we just DONT KNOW, and the great rule of thumb is, always assume 50/50 when you DONT KNOW.

i can live with 50/50!

i mean i think being a high number slut who gives it up real quick is a good proxy or way to measure a womans morality and trustworthiness in general. do they really walk the walk. or are they loose. hotdog in a hallway. jsut a damn mercenary riding the coch carousel, where she has given many men a Turn. It MATTERS and STOP PRETENDING IT DOESNT!!!! But they’re not pretending, they TRULY BELIEVE it doesnt matter. totally brainwashed.

okok i need some TROB with……clearer production.  the newest one is generally rated the lowest but its the only one i havent heard at all.  plus i just straight up RESPECK this guy, he is just very special, i dont care that he is a pagan hahahahahahaha. tree worshipper.  he also has Male Pattern Baldness and a Hirsute Robin Williams like body. this endears him even more to me.

i would totally make a moderate effort to see him live. i am glad he likes to play live. why the hell wouldnt you. like these black metal phaggots that are too grim to play. or dsbm people that are too despaired to play live. come on. even trist played live a few times.

i mean yeah the fans are degenerate losers but theres probably one guy there like me who is not hahaha. who is really enjoying your show.

interview tomorrow and i am not even worried or anxious. how can you, for an 11 dollar 20 hour a week job. good god. why do i even wear a suit. why do i think i need a NICE suit.  well at least now i have a nice suit in case i need it. and i just wear it to every damn interview anyway. i am pretty happy about the suit. i had been meaning to get one for YEARS, at least 4 years or so.

i was glad to hear people on the daily shoah agree that MULTITASKING is BULLSHIT. total BULLSHIT. i couldnt agree more. but you HAVE to say you are REALLY REALLY good at it. but if youre HONEST with yourself, it just means you do a shitty, distracted job on many tasks at once. only the most autistic people like rainman MIGHT be good at multitasking. only half of the 1% most autistic people might be good at multitasking. its fookin BULLSHIT, end of story. but we are not allowed to say that. worse, we are forced to actually attempt to multitask!

i dont mind that women are like children……..except for the fact that they do a LOT MORE DAMAGE that children. they break hearts and cheat and ruin lives without remorse. children don’t do this. you dont give the baby a machine gun.

women are like babies born with machine guns. but in the past, society used to do what it could to put the safety on that gun, or take it away.

but why should women be born with something theyre TOO IMMATURE TO USE?

so they can get pregnant as soon as possible, that’s why.

and if they choose poorly, either them, the baby, or both can suffer the consequences for that AFTER the baby is born. but not before.

maybe men and women are not as different as i thought. they just want to fook any (secsy) thing that moves, no regard to the consequences. they dont care who they hurt. we are an r selected inger species hehehehe.

yeah well we WHIITES HAVE to be better than that. maybe thats how humans started, but thats not what WE evolved into. WHITES DONT DO R SELECTION. and it disgusts me to see white women doing it.

women dont have to do time in the prison of relationshiplessness hahahaha. they don’t get tons of TIME to THINK about the DYNAMICS and the ins and outs of relationships because they’re too busy being IN them. they never have a chance to view it from the OUTSIDE. think outside of the box hahahaha.

with me and other foreveralone nevergf virgins, its the exact opposite. we spend all our time thinking about rels, and exactly ZERO time actually IN them!

isnt that funny hahahaha.

holy sheet this one guy who i used to work with at my fun job which i left……..almost 3 years ago, he is still working there! this is just sad because he is older than me, has a degree, has his teaching certificate, and can get a FT teacher job, just sub shit. and they have hired two FT people in the department in the 3 years since i left, and they did not offer HIM the job! maybe they did but he said no? i wuldnt have said no! they interviewed ME for one of those jobs. i didnt get it and i was kinda pissed. why didnt they interview me for the other one? i cant remember exactly when the other one happened. before or after the one interview i had.

maybe i was that shitty of an employee hahahaha. but i dont think so. i definitely was not an electrifying team leader however, and i did not schmooze with Higher Ups like i should have. I just nodded my head and did what they told me and was nice to everybody. but the people i schmoozed best with were not higher ups. they were just level 1 saps like me, or in different departments. the maintenance guy.

heh wasnt good enough to get me an interview when i applied for the maintenance job a few months ago, for the 3 days a year the position is open. blink and you will miss it. literally.

 

 

EXCUUUUUSE ME FOR TREATING THE PEOPLE I DO THE LIFE CREATION PROCESS WITH LIKE HUMAN BEINGS

june 3

had dream about a woman, thank god not THAT woman, but that “one who got away” in college and i regret not making an effort with her because she was cute and nice to me and not a high number whore at that time. she would have been fun to cuddle with and make out with and hang out with and maybe have as a GF hahahaha. she was really cute and white as hell. and nice and never bitchy.  and not a high number slut hahaha.

so in the dream she was showing some interest in hanging out with me, but I was very busy for whatever reason, and I was worried that by the time I would be ready to hang out in like a week, she would no longer be interested.

i guess i could have met her for like an hour and said listen babe i am so busy, i got exams and I am applying for grad skool (we were still in Kollige in the dream). I can give you an hour right now but next week we can spend some serious time. I will make you dinner and shit.

well that would be too supplicating hahahaha and she would lose interest anyway.

heh the best way to keep her interest, when you worry she might lose interest in a week, is to just meet with her for an hour in your busy life, bang her HARD, then be like baby, i got to get back to WORK, im an ambitious successful man making good deals, so call me next week and I will bang you twice as hard. see ya wouldnt wanna be ya hahahaha.

that is the proper response to that. of course you’ve ruled her out as wife material immediately because she gave it up to you too fast, because she ALWAYS gives it up too fast. technically its HER fault but a woman would NEVER admit when antyhing is HER fault.

but yeah she was cute, and nice, and not stumpy or potatoey, and had beautiful white skin, very cute face, very nice body, she was always laughing and smiling and never bitchy to me, she liked to partake MJ too. I wish I had just hung out with her, partook MJ, watched movies and chilled with her, before she became a crazy careerist slut over 30 hahahaha.

WELL….I was conflicted, because my male friend had actually dated this gurl around that time. He was done with her by that time and probably wouldnt have minded at all if i wanted to give her a try hahahaha but I just felt weird about it at the time. he was a truly a good guy and I had a good connection with him and i hope he is doing well, and found a decent woman and became a father. I would worry about him falling for a crazy bitch though.

so THAT is my excuse, also I was honestly involved with drama with about 3 other women. no i wasnt banging them. yes they were all rejecting me hahahaha. i did make out with 2 of them though. but I didnt even THINK about this other woman. and so naturally now I worry that she is “the one who got away.”

well she didnt REALLY get away. She only lives 60 miles away from me. except now she’s 30+ and has taken a lot more dix.

hmm. turns on TRS forum has become the Hottest Alt Right forum on the internet and you now need to be INVITED to even sign up. dayum. this just happened in the past month. so you plebs can’t see the posts and you just cant sign up. you need to be INVITED by a full member, like me hahaha.

applied for part time job at local university. this is prob muh #1 dream employer but it is nto easy to get a job here at all.

this is the univ i should have gone to, just got a damn business engineering math degree hahaha. the school is pretty srs, they even offer medical (DO) degrees now. possibly even an MD but for sure DO.

so anyway in that dream, there was no touching or fun. the best was i saw the gurl for like a minute, then was stressed the whole time whether or not i would have another chance. i was not sitting there in the dream hanging out with her for hours and cuddling or making out or anything. just 95% worrying that it was over before it even began hahahahaha.  this is normal for my dreams hahaha. and my real life hahahaha.

ok 6 job applications today. i dont have any interviews coming up and got to get some more in there.

ok you want a phone number from a job i had over 10 years ago. fook you. I will write NA and the program will accept that for the required entry hahahaha.

ya god damn dumb shitty bitch hahahahaha.

hahhaha i used to censor ALL bad words. now i just censor fook. because who gives a fook. your wife has a mouth like a sailor and has had 10000000 sailors IN her mouth.  salty seamen hahahahahaha.

and i can be plenty offensive without saying fook hahahaha.

how about when you want to get out of a long ter relationship that obviously is important to the other person, you tell them SORRY and you say yeah I know it hurts to end a long term rel. we had a significant long term rel and i acknolwedge it meant something to YOU at least, so I am sorry to hurt you.

acknowledge that this relationship meant something to me. acknowledge muh pain. understand that you meant something to me.

i think she DOES uderstand all this. against, its just a matter of cowardice. lack of moral courage.

well, the good news is, once you get used to doing like at least 5 stupid applications per day for a few weeks, it becomes a less excruciating routine. you just accept it and copy and paste and look shit up. it gets easier in other words. no less stupid, but easier.

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAa

here is a great idea:

sometimes job sites limit you to the number of documents you can upload. SO you simply make ONE document with ALL your documents innit.

its amazing the majority of people are employed!

well wait a minute, actually they arent. alot of people are students.

alot more than half the people are making less than the average money per year, which is like 34 grand a year.

oh sorry its like 28 grand in 2011. per capita income. which is like 14 bucks an hour.  which is less than the fight for 15 hahaha.

horry sheet i was making MORE than that!!!! SHE was making more than that! WE WERE ABOVE AVERAGE!!!!!!!

Listen to me! show some remorse! show some sympathy! show that I was important enough to you to do something courageous for ME!!!

that the relationship was important enough to YOU for you to show a little backbone in trying to do the good karma thing. treat ME like i meant something to you, treat the relationship like it meant something to you. cuz i think it DID. it WASNT all in my head.

june 4

yeah its just discouraging and horrifying that somebody can be by your side and totally with you…..and then just detach and distance themself from you. they dont care about you any more. the warmth and caring they once gave to you and which you enjoying so much and was so valuable to you, you dont get any of that any more, and they give it to other people. they could care less about you. and its all your fault because you pushed them away hahahaha. everything is always your fault with women.

this is so disgusting. because like women falsely accusing men of rape cheapening the real rapes, women blaming men for EVERYTHING kinda cheapens those times when men really ARE at fault, and they beat and abuse women. and then kind gentle men who would never abuse women feel horribly guilty for doing something to push a woman away, and they feel like they are on the same level as the guy who beats his wife and molests his children.

i wasnt courageous enough. well she was even less courageous. i was courageous enough to talk to her. that’s all the courage i wanted from her.

oh well you live and learn. live and learn hahahaha. next time i get feelings for a female friend I will tell her. check in early and check in often. tell them about this cautionary tale and say, we should talk about this every month just to check in. it can totally happen and I dont want my life to be ruined again.

i mean i want the person i marry and have chirren with and spend the rest of muh life with, i want to feel about them the way i felt about her. a total, all in commitment. it was an EASY DECISION TO MAKE, because I was THAT certain. I want to be that certain about someone.  its this uncertain one foot out the door bullshit that causes j00ish degen bullshit like open relationships. people treating human beings like objects hahahaha. devaluing human life in every way.

its the man who is always so strongly anti abortion because MEN understand and respect the value of human life. women just see it as an inconvenience to muh body muh choice. muh freedoms.

and she can talk to her co workers and be like yay we have the best team ever i luv all u so much, and not care about me, and let me drown. i used to be more important to her than just some fellow co worker, then I got downgraded from real life friend to work friend. THAT HURTS!!!!! have you ever been DOWNGRADED from real friend to just work friend? it SUCKS. you have a RIGHT to be UPSET about it. it HURTS a LOT.

and you still see the person every day at work so its not like you can avoid them and pretend they dont exist. because you see and hear them every day.

well she thought she could avoid me and pretend i didnt exist, even though she saw me eery day. She was willing to do that. I was not willing or able to do that AT ALL. because I wanted to talk to her, I didnt want to avoid her, plus i could see and hear her. it drove me CRAZY REALLY FAST.  yeah ok i  reacted very emotionally but she COULD have not avoided me like that.

i dont blame her entirely….but i do blame her partially hahahaha.

there is a huge void in muh life and really the only thing that can come CLOSE to filling it is MJ hahaha. I always found something comfy and cozy and intimate and warm fuzzy from using MJ. that was really my relationship simulator, or relationship substitute.

it was a lot better than having some bitch run through the relationship simulator with me hahahaha. cuz MJ can’t leave you and break your heart hahahahahaha. and you can do something long term with it. it will always be there for you hahahahaha.

also i dont appreciate being treated like a Weird Stalker who deserved to be avoided, when I was a Longterm Friend who just wanted to Talk about a Mutual Problem.

now my judgment is off, and i will feel like a weird stalker for wanting something PERFECTLY LEGITIMATE.

heh. my judgment is off enough as it is, especially regarding wimmin.

this loss might be worse than a death, and it might even be worse than CHEATING. cuz there’s NEVER a good excuse or justification for cheating. you can EASILY make the cheater into the bad guy, and hate them, and get your closure that way. that dirty awful cheater didnt deserve me. but when they just leave you….you are left with nothing. but confusion and self doubt. and there are valid reasons for just up and leaving someone, namely they are abusing you or being really bad to you that you just need to ESCAPE them. so you start to think you were like that. you blame yourself a lot more.

sure you ALWAYS blame yourself for being too omega and too phaggy and too feminine and too weak and that MAKES them lose interest…..but this is different than merely losing interest!

also, you can lose interest after 2 months, but its kinda hard to lose interest after 2 years.

2 years is a LOT different than 2 months.

i just want someone to say yes i know this hurts you a lot. your pain is valid. not something like well you shouldn’t be so upset about her. maybe not, but i AM, so ACCEPT it. and dont tell me not to be upset.

its not THAT hard to understand.

i mean shit if i could force myself to not be so hurt by this, dont you think i would have DONE IT?

back on TRS once again. so many great threads there but I dont really want to share them outside of the forum, probably a bannable offense, and I dont want to be banned hahaha.

ok I will post this tho:::::

QUOTE

When people talk about “being in love,” they are generally talking about the 3-18 month period at the beginning of relationships where floods of exciting chemicals like oxytocin, adrenalin, dopamine and serotonin hit people like a bag of bricks whenever they’re around each other/think about each other. People’s brains do this to reduce inhibition so they’re more likely to procreate. “Being in love” is fooking intoxicating and you basically feel like you’re on drugs just by being around another person + sex is usually involved so that’s pretty great too. That said, this altered state eventually subsides and normal thought patterns take over. At that point, the continued success of the relationship is determined by how compatible their interests, goals and personalities are. So after the initial burst of passion period, the rest of a relationship can be defined by a general fondness for one another and the appreciation of a shared partnership and hopefully the cooperative experience of raising children.

tl;dr: love as portrayed in movies is real but it fades with time because its measurable physiological effects are just there to get you to put a bun in her oven. The second stage of love takes a more effort to maintain since you’re not just riding a high together but it’s calmer and really quite comfy.

END

in response to an 18 year old autist asking about is it possible to really feel true luv or is that just another j00 lie.

NO ITS NOT. And its sad that these young men dont know that, because they have never felt it.

but this response, from a proper mature whyte man, is very very good. true luv is real, but its also ridiculous, and you should expect this honeymoon period to end.

MY issue is, it never did. with me there was never any secs involved or the shit ended well before i was ready. well before the 18 months. shit i wish they DID last 18 months! the FEELINGS certainly lasted 18 months, but the “rel” ended WELL before that.

well shit ok i am past the 18 month mark from when i first fell in luv with HER, which was like in sept 2014. now it is june 2016 and i have made some progress hahaha.

 

HONESTY ISNT THE BEST POLICY, ITS THE ONLY POLICY

may 15

sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeit. have interview with post office people tomorrow. they say bring the social security card. so weird to have interview tehnically after a drug test and ss card. i thought drug test and ss card means you got the job. also I thought all jobs do 14 interviews. but i guess that costs too much.

just know that everything is done to cut costs….but at the ground level, you will see how these top-down changes are incompetent, and will end up costing more money. so you will say i thought these k1kes wanted to SAVE money. they do. they are just incompetent at it. so when this plan backfires, as it is already doing, they will just have to lay people off to really save money. like you hahahaha.

makes you want to get an mba so you be one of those k1ke managers hahahaha.

and they dont even all have mba’s!!!!!!!!!!! the director of your department does not have an mba!!!!!!!

the only place for non top tier mba’s in your company, is at level 1, answering phones like you hahaha. thats what an mba at capella online u gets you. same job as 20 year old community college dropouts hahahahaha.

heh. i like when you see the same jobs posted again like 1 or 2 months later, and you applied the first time, and nothing happened. its maybe a shitty job with high turnover so that they are always hiring people, and will hire anyone with a pulse…..but they still didnt invite you to take a pre interview assessment test hahaha.

and women dont get the slightest bit nervous when new men stick their new dicks up their baby maker. with a big new strange sweaty man pressing his sweaty hairy stinky body against them, yet they dont know a damn thing about him. a week ago you had no idea who this guy is. now you’re willfully letting him do this….very willingly. you LOVE it! what can you say about someone who LOVES degeneracy?

i dont mind peopel touching me……..if i know them! if I dont know them, then yes I do mind!

i just want to find a woman who feels the same way. and doesnt let everybody Touch her in this very Special Way.

i mean, two naked bodies pressed against each other, genitals inside of genitals, it boggles my mind how ANYONE could NOT think this is inherently intimate!!!!!!! yes so many people just dont care! its as intimate as a handshake!

how fooked up are YOU to think that the life creation process with naked bodies pressed together and genitals inside of genitals is no more intimate than a mere handshake?

how can ANYONE think that way?

why are most women like this?

well, j00s of course hahahaha. creating a mainstream culture where sex is nothign but sexy fun. but more importantly, how can I find a woman who isnt like this?

i think i might be exagerating again. a classic cognitive distortion used by despairers, which convinces themselves that things are worse than they actually are.  you convince yourself that things are abjectly horrible. absolutely disgusting. absolutely degenerate. when theyre just a LITTLE degenerate. you see that and run with it. take the ball and rush for 99 yards, to use a football metaphor hahaha.

so in other words, all women arent really THAT bad.

heck even SHE is not that bad.

i am just very emotional because of the grief and the way she dumped me. and then i get very emotional. but even she isnt that bad, treating sex as casually as a handshake.

my distorted mind has a tendency to exagerate, especially on horrible things.

so….i had terrible judgment then. how am i supposed to make good decisions? when good decisions are the foundation of a good life. you need to make good decisions all day long at your grueling job. jobs are 10 hours a day of making tough decisions. correctly.

i think the technical name for that distorion is overgeneralizing, mixed with Magnifying. that is my thing. taking the worst element, and saying that represents the whole category. so, think of the top 1% worst sluttiness women are capable of, and then say 100% of women are like that.

say 100% of women are as bad as the worst 1% of women.

or blacks, or j00s, or muslims hahahahahaha.

anyway. if your thought processes are so screwed up that you have made yourself an emotional basket case….how are you supposed to make the good decisions you need to make to be able to Hold Down A Job?

well when it comes to doing problems and such, i can get a high gpa in skool, get a’s in classes, and actually get good quality marks on muh job scorecard. I just do horribly with women. and to be fair, that’s at least halfway on them and not just me.

i was willing to handle things well, but they werent hahaha.

well that being said, i was not perfect either.

ok the other day while at fatclub i listened to the first 2 nile albums in a row basically. tried to visualize big fat jolly karl sanders. it helped but even back then the drums were too clicky and i just wanted to stop them and say AYO HOL UP guyz. you dont need to cram a new riff in here. its OK to have a NORMAL part in your songs. you should have MOAR NORMAL parts. i am SURE this stuff is fun as hell to PLAY, but it takes too much EFFORT to listen to.  your best songs are the ones that are actual songs instead of a dumptruck full of crazy riffs piled on top of each other. i appreciate that you are not sloppy at all…..but why should you be sloppy? its a conscious choice to make ridiculously technical, fast music. 300 bpm riffs in weird 5, 7, 9, 13 time. jagged changes everywhere. you just cant tell whats going on. need a more song-oriented approach like “festivals of atonement.” SONG ORIENTED not dumptrucks of crazy technical riff oriented. we arent talking catchy riffs here. well ok there are a few catchy riffs. there needs to be moar though. you can still have extreme parts. i appreciate extreme parts. no one luves fast blast beats moar than i.

like there is a big difference between dave brubeck doing things in weird times like 5 or 9 or whatever the fook. they are still catchy. the stuff is catchy and you dont realize the time signature is even “weird.”

is this why i “GAVE UP ON” nile? I let ol uncle karl down???????

well uncle karl is gonna continue having a great time playing incomprehensible riffs whether or not I am listening hahaha. I would like him to try to write like a straightforward metal album like iron maiden or something. write normal songs and normal riffs. you can still have an egyptian flavor and have some weird parts. just a better balance of extreme stuff to normal stuff.

but he is a very likable guy, I will never deny that.

also I would like their albums to be closer to 30 minutes than 60 minutes. short albums are best albums.

can we get a combination of nile with type o negative hahahaha.

once upon a time, I sought a combination of burzum and tom waits. oh how very ECLECTIC.  like a real portland hipster f4ggot.

oh sheeeeit managed to apply for 3 jobs on a sunday without even thinking about it. i have reached THAT level and I am very happy and grateful that I have. 2 for a large well known electronic company that has a division in the neighborhood, 1 for the county. the elctronics company is the one that reposted many positions and completely ignored me from about 6 weeks ago.

yeah i am convinced that, as degenerate as MJ is, it would help me get through this stage of PROLONGED GRIEF. I mean its not like I’ve AVOIDED it. its like chronic pain that serves no purpose any more but to cause me pain. i’ve learned all I could from it, and now I just want it to end, but its not ending.

always have some cash on you that you could use to buy MJ from somebody hahaha. be like hay heres $20, think you can get me something Indica like northern lights or afghan kush next time you go to the dispensary? its gotta be indica tho. I know it’s confusing but just trust me, I’m an expert. a Subject Matter Expert hahaha.

McGill University. “Cannabis: Potent Anti-depressant In Low Doses, Worsens Depression At High Doses.” ScienceDaily. ScienceDaily, 24 October 2007. <www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/10/071023183937.htm>.

that feel when you read breakup articles on psych today then find that you are the same age as the phd author, and you went to college with them, and they became a successful phd from stanford, and are now a postdoc researcher and writing Luv Advice PhD blogs on psych today dot com hahahahaha. am I allowed to say if this gurl was a huge slut or not? probably not allowed to say. I will say she was smokin hot in her undergrad days. i never really talked to her. maybe I felt she was out of my league. also she was a J. at that time I had a huge J fetish and wanted to bone her hard. I dont think I ever talked to her.

well nice to see she is very successful and now advising people on relationships with her phd hahaha. it would have been nice to bang her hot young body tho. in her small photo she just looks like an average attractive 30 year career professional woman. when she was 20 she was smokin hawt hahaha. well. as much as i hate saying that about a J. she didnt look super J’ish tho.

anyway its just funny now. 5 years ago I would have CARED more and gotten more BUTTHURT about it, like I COULDA BEEN A PHD TOO!!!!!!!! I COULDA BEEN A CONTENDER!!!!! i am just as smart as Jooish Wimmin but they are getting PHDs and outperforming the hell out of me because I am a lazy loser bla bla bla.

now Im just like I dont care. I dont want anything to do with marxist Jooz and middle class phds. she is probably very good at breaking her boifranz balls, emasculating them like a preying mantis. theres no bitch worse than a j00ish bitch hahahahahaha.

although if she came to me and bent over and begged PLEASE FOOK ME IN THE ASS I would gladly oblige her!

of course I would do the same with THAT WOMAN too.

i could bitch about her having grief for people that she has lost, and 8, 10 years later, she is still mourning them to I might say an unhealthy degree. but I would never judge someone for that. I would say, its ok to miss this person, but 10 years? really? how about you talk to me and i will be your shrink. death is just a part of life baby and they are in a better place, and they would want you to move on with your life, take the help I’m offerng you hahaha.

i wouldnt say, thats weird, youre weird for not getting over this, I’m dumping you.

because I totally understand how it can take Too Long to get over someone. how Grief can last Too Long.

thing is, she doesnt DESERVE this grief. its not like she died tragically, at a time when we both Luved each other.

anyway, she was very important to me, so she leaves a VOID, so I GRIEVE heavily. so I have to fill that void somehow until the pain fades away in a few years. I have been trying to fill it with Exercise and writing, and that helps, but I still need moar. its not enough. and I think MJ would be another helpful tool. thats all. MJ, exercise, and writing. And ideally Working.

so yeah. when grief is lasting too long, try to fill the void with: copious exercise, MJ, work, and hopefully you have some good friends that you can spend some real quality time with.

these stupid stoners. i mean they have 3 or more different groups with 3 different petitions. if they just had 1 petition, and 1 group behind it, then there would be no question of getting enough signatures. i think the biggest one will get enough signatures anyway, but the other groups should have backed out MONTHS ago and directed people to the one group. we can all agree that legal MJ is the goal. its not like who do you want for pres. its not like trump vs hillary.

but since im not an expert, i dont know the best practices. but these stupid stoners do. i fookin doubt it.

your shot in the dark is better than the expert’s best practices hahahaha.

fook experts. they were just in the right time at the right place. they played politics well enough to survive longer than a year.

but i guess you could learn great life skills like bullshitting and passing the buck from them.

well i am like the mechanic at the car shop i talked to recently:

HONESTY ISNT THE BEST POLICY, ITS THE ONLY POLICY.

i mean on the job, when you have to make serious decisions. little white lies are ok for the sake of kindness and politeness. but on the job, just tell people, i dont know, nobody knows, yeah that sucks, it is what it is. i dont know what to tell ya, and no you cant talk to my manager. i wish he WOULD talk to you, but he’s a dishonest coward hahahaha. you’re working with a company full of dishonest cowards who want to screw you. except me. I’m on your side. but I can’t help you. and my company sure as hell doesnt want to. my advice? find a better company. and if you do, call me and tell me about them so I can try to get a job there. this company SUCKS. they dont give a shit about you. they just want to take your money and run. they will not back it up with reliable, good service. they will leave you in the lurch just like a damn woman.

maybe my phd college classmate can write an article for psych today abotu why women are so unreliable and leave people in the LURCH so much. she’s a PHD in leaving people in the lurch im sure. well not her Faculty Advisers but the men in her life. OK now I am bordering on slander hahaha. I deleted the link to her article. do not want to DOX muh self! oy vey!!

but yeah its not unheard of that I will read a damn news article and run across the names of people I went to high achiever college with. some of which are now Senior Editors at stupid magazines that then might get quoted in larger magazines; or Senior Organizers with bla bla nonprofit; or blabla postdoc researcher phd at harvard authoring blabla study. i mean these people are ridiculously successful. I had no idea people could even BE this successful. i had to go to middle class j00niversity just to learn these levels of success even existed. phd at harvard basically.

no i did not go to harvard but the better performers from my school did phds at harvard or other ridic schools like stanford, yale, MIT. top skools. top kek hahahaha. kekekekekekek.

it took me a long time to get over all that status anxiety hahahaha. (de botton). you might think I still have it because I make butthurt jokes about it. but Im really not butthurt any more. about THAT. hahaha. I am plenty butthurt about other, more recent things.  i couldnt give a shit if some J00ish cvnt I vaguely knew over 10 years ago is a successful phd. who the fook reads psychology today anyway.  get in the NY Slimes bitch hahahaha otherwise no one cares. not only was all that obvious and unsurprisingly, it honestly just doesnt matter.

i’ll tell ya what does matter, is this huge void of grief in my life hahahaha. so its not FAIR that I fell in luv with her and ruined the friendship. FINE. its not FAIR she left me in such a mean way.

honestly there was very little she COULD do. i mean its not her responsibility to emotionally support me after dumping me. the dumper HELPING the dumpee through the dumping. nope. well i think they SHOULD, because they are the one causing you this pain, but we all know its just not POSSIBLE for them to support you, cuz you would just want to have them back. so the best they can do is say SORRY, and show some remorse for the pain they are causing you. it doesnt sound like a lot, but when you don’t get it, you see how much it matters.

ok have to do 1000 calkories at fatclub.

DECENT PEOPLE HAVE REGRETS

may 12

muh d1ck sheeeeeeit smacks lips. bix nood mufugga. ayo hol up. hol up.

tick tock wagie! back to work! time is money! add value for the team! trim the fat! back to work! time is money! another day, another dollar! streamline your workflow so you can be more efficient and produce moar! theres always room for improvement! study other people and try to improve your workflow!

big interview with post office on monday. 4 days. they want me to bring social security card. they already had me do a drug test. so in other words, i have a pretty good chance (50 50 hahaha) of actually getting the JOB.

well I am not sure how much off the job studying I will have to do for Letter Carrier. not as much, hahahaha. who knows if there is even an intranet I can log into.

if i get mauled by pit bulls or something there is probably some waiver I sign saying the post office will not give me any money for that hahahaha.

i saw some stupid quote by willie nelson saying “99% of the worlds lovers are not with their first choice, thats why the jukebox plays” or something, meaning there is a super high demand for songs about not luving your luver I guess, or pining for your First Choice hahaha.  i generally like willie nelson but come on man thats degenerate. what are you really trying to say here, has the weed clouded your mind, probably.

my response is, dont date someone unless they are your first choice, its a lose lose situation, and its a j00ish thing to do to THEM.

whenever i have gotten feelz for a woman, they were always muh FIRST CHOICE. That Woman was my First Choice and I guess still is. so now I have been in luv with her since about october 2014 and just waiting for it to fooking die off already. i mean theres nothing to sustain it. but the memories and sorrow hahahaha.

hey they say dont settle for someone who makes you an option not a priority. well priority means first choice. option means second or third choice. nope. i wouldnt want to marry and i sure wouldnt want to have CHILDREN with a second or third choice. it seems super unfair to the poor children.  i would rather find other ways to support other white children. white orphans hahahaha. maybe adopt a white orphan hahaha. but thats hard to do.  thats why everybody adopts nonwhite babies. theres not a huge supply of adoptable white children.

yeah i mean i guess i would do the right thing and try to take good care of my children even if i had them with a third choice woman. maybe i could grow to not hate the woman hahahaha.

but i would rather i be in luv with the woman i create and raise new life with. than use the poor children to try to force me together with the unimpressive woman.

but luv itself is overrated. thats not how the real world works. you wait for luv, you wait forever.

well, i disagree. women have been in luv YOUNG, and I think they should marry these guys rather than say “im too young to get married. i havent experienced enough of the world.” is always code for i want to be a huge slut. run away from me. i will be a terrible wife and mother.

shit i would have gotten married at age 21 if the woman had any interest hahaha. of course she didnt, i never even dated or fooked her (woman1).

it was amazing that I developed feelings for other women. a miracle from god. youd think once you found the luv of your life, you’re not gonna find anyone again. but i sure did. turned out she wasnt the luv of my life hahaha.

but That Woman sure was! this one was different because……out of all the women I have luved, like maybe 6 of them, she was the ONLY one I had a Real Relationship with! so that was a big deal.

i mean i fooked a gurl once but we didn’t have a Real Relationship! thats what i mean by pseudodating.

and there was NOTHING “PSEUDO” about the Real True Actual Literal Relship I had with That Woman.

ok going to get oil change tomorrow. called the car place like a real man. actually a real man would change his own oil. i am unmanly because i have literally no interest in cars. no interest in sports. no interest in gadgets and tinkering and workshops and tools and stuff. the manliest thing is that I do like guns, but I dont really care about the technical shit, like check out my sig sauer .4839038u5 caliber hollow point bla bla bla with i dont even fookin know. I just want a standard handgun made in a white country like US or germany or sweden or russia hahahaha.

but i am too lazy to do all the paperwork. I mean I would sound like a weirdo if I went to the gun store to talk about guns. they’d be like, uhhhh you are not a gun guy. you want this gun so you can do something WEIRD with it. Im not selling you a gun. and id be like how is protecting the second amendment WEIRD mufugga. hahahaha. and they say its not, but YOURE being shifty and disingenuous. you Reek of Weird Vibes. DRIPPING with DESPERATION. give off a really weird vibe hahahaha.

that is another big self criticism. I see myself as Just Giving Off a REally Weird VIBE that people can’t explain, they just FEEL it and SENSE that I am Weird. Like I am Emitting an Aura. Reeking and Dripping with desperation and weirdness, like pigpen is reeking waves of dirt and dust and BO. and everybody perceives this. men, women, employers.

but its really not true 100%! when you get to know me you see i am not THAT weird!!!!!!!! I was actually able to become Close Friends with an Attractive Young woman for 2+ years! and she didnt think I was weird during that time.

I was fairly well liked at my normie job for a full year!

so yeah this self image of myself as a BIG WEIRDO has got to stop. but ive kinda ALWAYS thought of myself as a huge WEIRDO. so that is a problem. sets you back on your confidence haha.

MJ makes MOST people degens and is a net negative for them…..but not for me! Ima Special Snowflake!

so i  became aware of this youtube gurl over the past month or so, evalion. this adorably cute, marriageable young waifu type, who is talking some pretty hardcore 1488 anti j00ish stuff. i guess after the sinead “dumpster fire” I am a lot more suspicious about this sort of thing.

yes she is insanely cute and i prob would marry her hahahaha. i am a sucker for pale skin and long dark hair.

BUT she has no business wearing such revealing clothing! red flag #1!!!

and muh buddies on TRS say she is obviously batshit crazy, personality disorders, bipolar, borderline, hysterical, sineadlike.

also I just dont TRUST pretty young gurls who get involved in The Movement at this level as Content Creators. I worry it is just a trend for them. I hope she proves me wrong in 5 years. but even sinead just appeared out of nowhere less than a year ago. then they get 20000 subscribers really fast, then within 6 months do something really stupid. its like real life. you get with a qt young gurl, seems too good to be true, because it is, and then 3 months later, its over, and you are horribly disappointed, heartbroken, and angry.

I like and trust wife with a purpose because she is not so “extreme” and she has 5 fooking kids. that is 5  great bona fides for me!

like i say, i hope evalion proves me wrong, but young women appearing out of nowhere and making these kind of political statements…..are usually batshit crazy and prob will turn away from the movement within a year when they find the next edgy thing.

besides with trump and everything, the “alt right” is getting moar attention, such that your internet savvy leftist professional colleagues who read buzzfeed or whatever might have read a shitty article about “white supreemist richard spencer” or somethign.

like you dont just show up to something like this. its a JOURNEY that takes YEARS and you should be able to talk about that journey. otherwise you are probably just being brainwashed by your aryan warrior boifran. why dont you make some babies with him instead of making vidyas and showing Thirsty Betas your secsy white skin.

come on TRS forums some time, these guys will put you in your place baby hahahaha. then you will call them a bunch of virgin woman hating f4ggots hahaha. and then get into flat earth or mudsharking or passing out paper flyers to white hating leftists about white genocide hahaaha.

making white babies and being faithful wives is the most important way these women can really help the movement. not by being crazy attention seekers.

come back when you have 5 kids like wife with a purpose.

but yeah. how many guys you been with? any black guys? how many abortions you had? you gotta vet these female entryists the same way you would vet a potential wife. cuz this is important shit.

i mean if a woman is into “basic bitch” political stuff, thats less concerning. like if they have  trump hat or vote for trump. perfect. but a 1488 white nationalist gurl is just too risky. its like when i was YOUNG, i thought it would be AMAZING to have a qt gurlfran who liked METAL. now i realize how bad of an idea that would be. especially now since women are getting into metal as its getting more hip. so you get hipster sluts, crazy sluts. just give me a nonslut who doesnt listen to music at all.

NILE is a great death metal band and more importantly seem to be great people. karl sanders seems like the nicest, sweetest, chillest guy. they dont seem to do degenerate drugs or bang bitches. i think karl has a wife and kids. the most they do is smoke MJ and drink beer. they clearly have tons of fun on stage, as they should. not a bad job to have. being a huge moneymaking band, be beloved by critics and fans, never selling out. they are totally living the dream. i really wish I liked them more, but I have such a hard time with the clicky drums and “overproduction” and I have wished and wished that nile just had a more “underproduced, raw” sound on record.

maybe i just need to watch more live shows hahahaha. but its really hard to get a good sound there too.

I would be like guys lets go into the studio and record the whole album as live as possible, then we might touch it up a little to bring out the best sound possible.

full disclosure: i saw nile in 1999 when i was a young teen and they were a few years from their peak. this was between “catacombs” and “black seeds” and they were playing tiny clubs and making a name. it was on my short list of best ever shows. very memorable. everyone in the band was mingling with the crowd and all very friendly. that made a big impression on me. some of the crowd were not familiar with the band but we were. we were up near the front of the stage head banging like metal nerds. it was a tiny club, much smaller than in this video. we we pumped up and the band was pumped up and it was a great show. everyone in the band was super outgoing and friendly, including karl sanders, who kinda seemed like a big drunk slob, but I think he was just chilled out from smoking MJ and playing a ridiculous show. very tight. we bought some CDs and they autographed them. just a great show and a great memory for a young metal fan. we had no idea they would get so YUGE in metal, but they sure did.

and they seem just as honest and genuine and sincere and friendly, so thats good. but after 10 albums they have a reputation as being a bit “wanky” and cramming 9000000000000000000 riffs into a riff salad and fast for the sake of fast, and having a sense of hubris that they cant tell that their songwriting is suffering.

well i can’t say their songwriting IS suffering! indeed i found the catacombs album to be VERY challenging to my 16/17 year old mind, and I made such a conscious effort to wrap my mind around it…..which ultimately proved very rewarding. but yeah. i got the black seeds album but then got off the nile train after that hahaha and maybe that was a bit premature on my part, is all I’m saying.

just try to remember the friendly, great guys who are making this kind of overwhelming, dizzying, confusing music hahaha.

like if they had more slow riffs and slow songs like on their “festivals of atonement” EP. that was less of a “progressive, technical” album but it showed some very solid songwriting. was less confusing and overwhleming and riff cramming.

anyway those were more innocent times hahaha and the old nile concert was a nice memory there. a sense of connecting with the people who make the music. them being really down to earth people. non autistic non neets. bigass normies in the best possible way. regular nice people doing something really kewl.

who knows maybe maybe other bands are just as Nice People. but i used to go to a lot of concerts and that sense of connection was often not nearly as much bla bla bla

managers listen to your god damn employees.

heh i think at my last job the managers WERE very willing to listen to the employees….but those managers didnt have any power to do anything or change anything. the REALLY big decisions were made by the managers managers. and those people we didnt like.

it has just been a really stupid ridiuclous retarded, stupid, pointless, wasted 10 months and counting. quit your job and try to find a new job. good god. just because a personal relationship went bad. come on.

yeah well that personal relationship was a part of that stupid job too.

so yeah. never get involved with anybody who’s in your office/department. that you have to see every day in other words.

uhhh maybe this was all part of GODS PLAN to show me that that was not the Job Meant for Me, and she was not the woman meant for me hahaha.

i guess GOD meant for us to be Good Friends for a few years…..but he definitely did not intend for us to be anything more. UNFORTUNATELY FOR ME, hahahaha.

uhhh then whyd he give me those feelings for her then. havent I been TESTED enough? I mean all the TESTING has been feeling more like a PUNISHMENT, for a LONG time.

you know whats 90000000000000000000000 times more degen than homosex? the stuff that average women do. because its SO widespread, and people just take it as normal. its NORMAL for people to have secs with people theyve just met. its NORMAL for women to have 10+ number. homos are a tiny part of the population and its not gonna affect us, well except for women who hang out with homos and treat their degeneracy as normal hahaha. every woman has gay male friends. you dont know any gays? just ask your gurlfran, she probably knows several. and sees no problem with them fooking 9000000000 other gay guys. perfectly ok. fisting parties and such.

so what the hell is your gurlfran ok with???!?!?!?!?! if she thinks all that is ok?!?!?!?!

when your GF hangs out with degenerates and says, nope I dont have any problem with this! as long as its consenting adults.

your woman should have a stronger moral compass than that.

hehehe adding to my questionaire for prospective wife.txt file again. now there is a good 10000 word post!

i would say if you are going through a tough time, then become a degenerate MJ smoker for 3 to 6 months. just to build some more distance between you and the tough event. then detox for 3 months and PROBABLY your pain will be less severe. if not, try to get 3 months of SObriety in, then become a degen stoner again for 6 months. and then quit again. by this time you should notice a difference.

yeah at this point its like processing GRIEF that just wont go away. that lingers WAY too long.

but i mean some people just cant be replaced! I never treated people as replaceable! i just wanted her to show me that I was a little less replaceable!

I felt this feeling of replaceability as soon as I starting dating women in 2004 and getting really dumped haaha.

ok doing laundry. also getting dental teeth cleaning today. that could be horrendous. I have not been taking care of teeth.

but yeah cute young gurls should be makign their own youtube channels saying gas the k1kes race war now 1488. leave that to the men. its weird and off putting and a turn off when women do that. just say trump is kewl and I will encourage my friends to vote for him. and that is MORE than good enough.

a cute young gurl could easily influence the vote of her Thirsty Beta Orbiters! I’ll hang out for you if you vote for trump. or hillary. or ANYONE.

but would this really have a big effect on the ultimate results? it would probably be less than 1%.

but 1% is actually pretty big though.

but yeah. she was very irreplaceable for me. i cant jsut go out and get a new one. her being gone leaves a big void. very much like someone dying. you cant replace them, and their loss leaves a void.

so at this point i would start looking at the Grief literature.

well since i dont have any MJ I took a big honking half dose of nyquil. almost out of nyquil hahahaha.

will def get some moar soon. weird how nyquil seems to reach its expiration date so quickly.

LIFE IS CHEAP

apri 21

https://www.gq.com/story/my-mom-ran-my-tinder

http://archive.is/thKyY

this was linked on recent fatherland, im sure its ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING

met with staffing agency recruiter today, had first thing even remotely like an interview in 9.4 MONTHS of being a shitbum neet loser!!!!!

took some skills tests on prove it dot com including finally some actual excel simulations. it asked really stupid stuff that i couldnt REMEMBER how to do. like center the worksheet on a printout or where such and such feature was buried. I cheated by looking on google a couple times. I am worried that I did it too SLOWLY to pass. I do not know if i get to see my results. they just tell the recruiter that I am bad at excel. though  I told her I knew about lookups and index match, hahahaha.  didnt have to do those on the simulation though. just sum and avg hahahahaha. there was a pivot table in there.

its degenerate for a 26 year old man to be 4 years removed from a serious relship. (as in the stupid gq article above.) and especially a 26 year old woman!!!

read the article. i mean yeah the son is degenerate and he should let his mother find him a good girl. but he lives in NYC which is a degenerate city and all young men and women are degenerates. and then his stupid UNDEFINED relationship with the woman at the end. its degenerate to not define relationships. either youre friends or youre not. either youre f00king or youre not. He doesnt say they are fooking but I am sure they are. he does say they are NOT dating. not dating but fooking. undefined friends with benefits. a 26 year old man dating a THIRTY year old “girl.”  well this guy is fooked. he has a well meaning mother but it sounds like his father let the mother dominate. but it sounded pretty benign. the kid clearly has no moral compass. well, his mother is the closest thing. he should have let her continue to use his tinder. maybe met MORE THAN ONE woman. meet at least TEN women your mother found for you. and he as a FT job as a GQ writer at age 26 writing gay articles about ONE date his mother set up? i bet he has got to be freelance or contract or part time. not making anywhere near 20 grand a year writing for a big glossy magazine like gq. for that he makes less than a help desk call center worker. he makes less than you. think about that.

not sure what fatherland will say about it, hopefully something similar to that. i mean just say it. these 20 somethings living in NYC are all fooking degenerate with very atomized and cheap relationshits.

in other words, I think tinder is much less degenerate in Flyover Country.

Wore new blue jacket and unstriped white shirt, and new red tie. looked pretty good. shaved beard. coat was a LITTLE big, but not terrible. spent most of my time filling out forms of stuff they could have easily included on the online forms I filled out the day before.

Met with the woman, who was my age or a LITTLE bit younger hahaha. It was VERY distracting because there was another recruiter talking to another candidate in the next cubicle. I could essentially hear the recruiter interviewer the candidate while I filled out my forms. He was ok but asked some hard hitting questions, but the woman candidate was alot more experienced and superior to me, hahaha.

my recruiter was not intimidating and I did ok. Also its kinda good it felt more Informal and Small Time, than a bigass interview with a CEO asking really tough questions.

http://www.benchmarkportal.com/

certification board for call centers.

http://www.benchmarkportal.com/call-center-newsresources/calltalk-online-radio-show/calltalk-archive

they even have a podcast hahahaha featuring the ceo of benchmark.

again this is more useful for managers i think, than for level 1 peasants or even level 2. but it might have some usefulness to the level 1 person that feels like they are not being trained appropriately, and might make them more confident at their job.

learning position is code for: you will be overwhelmed with new shit all the time and you should study at least 2 hours a day AFTER work so you can keep up and do the bare minimum hahahaha. but those expectations wont be explained to you. so I will explain them to you now.

fook. that woman doesnt treat her job as a learning position.

its just SAD. we are both decent people who were PUSHED to do less than admirable things. I pushed her. She kinda pushed me. we both overreacted and acted stupidly and shamefully. and the feeling that lingers in the end, now that I have gained some sense of Calm and Perspective, is just straight up SADNESS. that this just sucks. there is no silver lining. I didnt want her out of my life. My life was better with her in it. and she is never coming back.  so its like learning to live after your beloved wife of 50 years has died. you didnt want her to go. you KNOW you cant replace her.

same here. I didnt want her to leave. I still want her to come back. I know no one can replace her. I wish she felt the same about me hahahaha. Well maybe the silver lining is, I get a new suit and a new job that isnt in a call center hahahaha. the thing the recruiter is looking at pays less than I was making though. fook it. as long as SHE isnt there, and it isnt a CALL CENTER, its WORTH IT.

well the recruiter temp client is a mortgage insurance underwriting type place and they do have an Excellent call center, but I told muh recruiter that I am not the best fit for a Call Center job at this time. Hopefully she understands this, unlike the other recruiter who, after 2 attempts, has not seemed to get the message that I do not want their call center job, and they think I will be showing up to their Call Center Help Desk job in a few weeks hahaha.

you email them so they have a record hahahaha that they dont have when you call, right???!?!?!?!

Well I also dont want to be a no call no show and appears that I have Voluntarily Quit that agency hahaha. I’m just not accepting that Call Center Job. Find me another hahahaha.

heres what I did: i gave the actual person (other recruiter that I actually met with haha. Why didnt the first recruiter just have me MEET with them? I kind of appreciate the personal touch hahaha.) a one page resume AND a two page resume. gave them the choice.

this recruiter used skill tests from “prove it” kenexa

the other one

http://www.findly.com/solutions/skillcheck-assessments/

used findly skillcheck tests.

heh. i was nervous before going in but i wasnt super nervous while talking to them, probably because the setting was so informal and it was distracting, and maybe in a good way, to have the “open office” and hear other people have conversations right around the corner. so that actually helped me.

but yeah. that woman. its just so sad. we both snapped in different ways. i acted out, and she totally shut down. and a beautiful long term rel was instantly terminated. pulled the plug.

well she didnt want to go where i wanted to go. i just wish she hadnt been so disgusted by the idea that she couldnt even respond to me. overwhelmed or not. then send an email a month later. have someone else contact me for you. nope. absolutely NOTHING. show you cared about me and that YOU are sad too, that will show me I meant something to you. because when you are close friends like that, it HAS to mean something.

so yeah they have a call center for…..its like an intersection between mortgage and insurance. they sell “lender placed insurance” products. so i guess the lender, ie the mortager, buys insurance from this company. i think. its confusing of course but as long as I am not getting slammed with questions from Mortgage Lenders and especially Mortgage Debtors, I might be able to survive.

I mean these agents and underwriters need to PASS TESTS.

so my concern is that Im able to do complicated insurance stuff where I have no idea what is right and what is wrong. Wrong looks right to me! It’s not obvious, like Sexual Morality! Being a huge slut who jumps into casual sex is OBVIOUSLY wrong. when youre looking at a bunch of insurance shit, or fooking technical computer shit for that matter, its hard to tell if its right or wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mortgage_servicer

this not the same as the loan originator hahahaha. who may SOMETIMES sell the servicing rights to fannie mae, who now becomes the servicer. ok.

” Allegations included foreclosures being processed with missing or questionable paperwork (including paperwork showing proper chain of title on the part of the investment bank), falsifying dates and other information in foreclosure documents and “robo-signing,” the practice of paying under-qualified personnel to sign hundreds or thousands of foreclosure documents a day, often without properly reviewing the documents.[5]   ”

robo signing hahaha I could see myself getting into some of that! doing shady unethical gotcha j00ish take the money and run shit that you dont even understand hahahaha. you dont even KNOW youre screwing people. just sign this. oh you didnt read the fine print goy. YOU AGREED TO THIS WHEN YOU SIGNED THE CONTRACT GOY.

when you didnt really agree to shit because it was impossible to understand hahaha.

PRINCE died today? holy shit. obviously I have not been watching news since like 11 am.

people on twitter are so stupid and black hahahaha. i am just looking at top hashtags. once was for prince dying, but the top one was for Amy, a 15 year old black gurl beaten to death at a skool while other people recorded it for a viral video. they say gurls were fighting over some Boy. probably some alpha male black thug who had casually fooked tons of 15 year old high school gurls, hahahaha. theyre black AND degenerate. not all blacks are degen but most are.

but yeah i can appreciate prince even though he is degenerate too. had some good songs. I would not minded have seeing a concert. never did. now never will.

was of course curious how he died. age 57. didnt really look like it. was skinny. maybe he did coke. wouldnt be surprised.

i mean yeah you say what what did he do recently. he was releasing like an album a year thats what. he was one of those guys. and i guess now that hes dead they will go back and inflate the ratings of his last 20 albums nobodys ever heard of hahaha.

but yeah its sad shit. i still want that woman in my life and i am still Grieving. I didnt want her to leave. I sure didnt want it to end like that. I wanted to Share The Passages of My Life with her. grow old with her haha. this was clearly the type of luv that lifelong luv is built from. i dont want to marry someone or have children with someone unless it feels like that. it wouldnt be fair to THEM hahaha.  and its so hard to believe I will ever meet somebody that perfect ever again. hahaha no she wasnt perfect but i accepted all her faults.

just such a difficult complicated situation. seems tailor made to be as difficult to get over as possible hahaha. I cant hate her, i cant blame her, i cant stop wanting her, its just sad sad sad sad for months and months and years. no anger, i forgive her, i just cant stop wanting her, my life is diminished without her, its just a long time of suffering and pain and grief.

maybe she will go on tinder and sell herself CHEAP. maybe she wont. it could go either way. maybe she wont. and that makes it even harder. knowing that an honestly decent amazing special important woman has just decided that she is better off without you and has you surgically removed from her life like a TUMOR or an aborted fetus.

wish i had a harvard masters degree like peter steele and could get a sweet job with the NYC parks department hahaha. shit he might have even got a PENSION from that job. and if he could be a bipolar alcoholic and hold down the job, anybody could!

also I think he was working there when he wrote the early TON albums and possibly the carnivore stuff. in other words, he was writing REALLY GOOD albums while FT working at a sweet job. now thats a good life!

but he always had trouble with women it seemed. picking the worst women. or maybe the worst women picked him and he was powerless to resist them. i mean women pick men not the other way around. but if any man had SOME semblance of CHOICE, it would be a tall sexy man like him.

april 22

two typing/clerical/assessment tests tomorrow for city / muni jobs tomorrow. hopefully that puts me in some kind of POOL for future consideration and I dont have to take a 2 hour test for every single city job I apply for.

but again I kinda like the tests better than the interviews. no kinda about it. yes i do much prefer the tests. because i am better at tests than interviews. i got an A in calculus 2 hahahaha and computer science 2 and accounting 2.

I’m also jealous of all these people that have BALLS OF STEEL to be able to HACK IT in the call center, when I was not.

And thats the funny thing. she doesnt particularly have BALLS OF STEEL. she runs away from tough conversations. there were plenty of nice, soft people there who werent particularly TOUGH drill seargeant types. my male friend there was a very sensitive unmasculine untough super friendly guy. how do all of them have the super confidence needed to survive at a CALL CENTER hahaha.

in other words, maybe I can survive the call center when SHES not there. probably thats right, I could.

so I SHOULDNT be turning down this well paying call center job Im being offered with TempAgency01.

But I just sent a THIRD email to the recruiter hahaha. this time cc’ed the other manager on the project who is possibly higher up and or more connected to the client than the recruiter is.

i am worried this will blacklist me from ANY jobs with this agency, but it will probably blacklist me less than a no call no show. but I already sent two damn emails saying the same

awww sheeit now I got a CALL from that recruiter saying that maybe I am misunderstanding and I should go to the training at least to get a better idea. I said thank you for the concern and the clarification, I did have a not so great experience at a Call Center and I really don’t want to return to that environment.

so they are having me speak to a lead recruiter who should be calling me right baout now to discuss more details of the job.

i guess the best i can do is be honest about what i didnt like about muh old job. be brutally honest and  also how i can still be a good boy for the staffing agency if i ragequit this assignment hahahaha.

i wonder if she called me because i cc’d the other person hahaha. that got her attention REAL QUICK.

and i wonder if they are being so nice to me because they are salespeople trying to close the deal, get me in the job, equals commission for them.

ok fine they talked me into it. both of the women were very nice hahaha. i could be sold into my own death by nice acting women hahahaha. but the Lead Recruiter was very well recommended on linkedin and went to a good college hahahahaha. and was very good on the phone.

Also I know better than to send emails or make calls at 4:50 pm on a friday hahahaha. or any day really. all my communication with them was finished before 2 pm. on friday hahahaha.

well…shit starts in 10 days. 10 days i start making money, answering calls in the call center. have to last at least a year to not look like a job hopper hahahaha.

well heres the thing. I could probably still use the Temp Agency to find a temp job at least.

if it turns out That Woman is now working at this place, I can say to the temp, yep not a good fit, find me something else. Cuz for like 4 months at least I would be technically employed by the temp, not the client.

Shit they talked me into it. I mean its good money, and if I can survive, it COULD be a good confidence builder. I WAS getting more confident at my stupid help desk call center job BEFORE things started getting bad with the woman. then THAT decreased my confidence for work related matters, and was a terrible vicious circle which simply would not exist at this new place.

it is a huge place which the recruiter assured me had won award for excellence for the past 8 years hahaha.

well this usually means they have really good METRICS. really i dont give a SHIT about metrics, i care about really, honestly, genuinely FIXING shit and giving good advice to people. period. and if it costs too much to fix the shit, I will tell them that, but my level 2s need to tell ME that, so I have an idea of what kind of shit is too expensive to fix.

there was terrible COMMUNICATION at the last place. between levels, between departments, between locations, between us and the callers.

heh. kinda like the terrible communication between me and her.

oh shit i gotta take clerical tests tomorrow.

also, if I can survive at this job, it would be a great boost of CONFIDENCE which I would REALLY appreciate. Also it would allow me to essentially get good “revenge” on her, meaning: my confidence wasnt so permanently destroyed by her, that I couldn’t even work in that FIELD ever again. that is: i can do the WORK, i just dont want to be around HER. I dont want my crazy reaction to HER to destroy my WORK SKILLS.

well im taking a big risk to prove something to myself. and what if i fail and break down again hahaha.

well at least i TRIED. then I REALLY know I should stay away from the call center.

but I DID IT BEFORE!!!!

and SHES DOING IT NOW!!!!!!!!

tons of people who are NOT VERY SMART and NOT VERY TOUGH are doing it RIGHT NOW!!!!

and i still have plenty of valium. and half the 10 people they are hiring are black hahahaha. i hate being inferior to blacks, and i especially hate being inferior to women who have harshly dumped me.

ok ok ok if its super horrible, I will use the temp agency to find an easy data entry job that pays like 12 DAH. noting in my cover letter my desire to get out of my job as soon as possible, will take a big pay cut, just get me out of there.

god damn. just received rejection letter from like a 13 dollar an hour county office clerk job. I was cautiously optimistic on that one. no interview. no tests. just a rejection. shit i think all jobs should have all their seekers take some kind of damn skills test. excel, word, customer service, decision making. then call in the people who did well on the tests.

give it a try for 6 months, and if i dont like it, i can blow my brains out then hahahahahahhahahahaha.

no i am kidding. i will just ragequit and then beg one of these two temp agencies for a Data Entry job for 10 bucks an hour. available immediately. i really cant handle call centers.

maybe make a contact with one of the black techs to buy MJ from them hahahahaha.

i am absolutely sure people from my old job left there to go to this job. but i cant remember who. i know one guy was THINKING of leaving, went to the training, and then ultimately decided to stay with our shitty job. i dont know why. he was a nice guy but i think the job was getting to him and he was becoming stressed and despairing. he was always shy and quiet and as time went on he became more shy and quiet in the bad way.  he had a useless degree in journalism or some shit with tons of student loans. he deserved much better even though he was a damn dirty leftist bernie voting swpl antiracist white guy hahaha. as things at work got more ridiculous, he channeled his rage into growing an absolutely ridiculous nietzscheesqe moustache which I complimented him on several times and which he accepted very awkwardly. he was very socially awkward even though he worked in a CALL CENTER and i think he also had a gurlfran. despite not being a masculine or charismatic man.  he was super skinny though. and not really tall. some gurls like super skinny guys. the worst is when you are not tall, but also not super skinny. like me. you have a potato shape and have to bust your ass not to bloat up into a potato. i will never be super skinny, i will have to WORK to not be Overweight. the curse of a potato body.

I mean I should give things TWO chances right? and this place will either be better, worse, or about the same, overall, as the old place. what is certain is that I will be making more money hahaha. And I had two recruiters encouraging me to go to the paid training after I had Frankly Expressed Reservations to both of them. So that really did convince me a bit.

But what if the other place calls me back soon? they might.

Well…..May 2nd, 10 days from now, a week from MONDAY, is the start date for the god damn job i am worried about. they said 17 DAH and I shouldnt be saying that, its confidential hahahaha. the other job is 13 DAH. however I am willing to give up 160 dollars a week, which is only 32 dollars a DAY goy. to have an easier, lower stress job.

weird feeling to express concerns about the job and then have somebody still encourage you to Try It. this is a JOB we’re talking about, not some weird exotic food. you would think, oh, you have the least bit of trepidation? ok then see ya, we’ll just find somebody who really wants it!

so to have someone offering you a job, you saying i really dont know, i dont like tech support call centers, i reallllllyyyyy dont know about this, and then saying come on, this one will be different, i dunno. i never had that happen before.

april 23

sheeeeit. spend a beautiful saturday taking assessment tests for municipal/city Clerk job. the first was a full time clerk job, 34k a year. there were about 40 people taking this test. it had 65 multiple choice questions and one “written portion”, where you simply write a revised edition of a rather unprofessionally written memo. no typing, no excel, no computers. they did the test with booklets and paper and pencils. The whole thing could have been done online, on your computer, which would have been more fair to the People rearranging their schedules to take the stupid test.

there were analogies, definitions of words. ambition is to success as intention is to _______. immediately I thought “action”, then looked at the choices. there was action and there was also decision. I thought, well, decision could work too. since technically it could go intention leads to decision which then leads to action.

i also realized i didnt know the meaning of “obligatory.” I didnt know if it meant necessary or unnecessary! I tink I was confusing it with “Gratuitous.” meaning something you dont HAVE to do, but it would be REALLY NICE if you DID do it, but not technically MANDATORY. well, turns out it IS mandatory. good thing I changed my answer to that.

there was a section with 11 sentences. you had to determine the order the sentences should go in. that was pretty tough.

stuff with putting numbers and words in order, all of them deliberately tricky, like 77.177 vs 71.117 etc.

checking the copy vs the original and saying are there 0,1,2,3 or 4 errors here.

http://www.saving.org/inflation/inflation.php?amount=1,000,000&year=1970

heh. try this inflation calculator. see how much 34000 is in 1970 dollars.

that took almost the full 2 hours. maybe 1 hour and 45 minutes. i figure 3 or 4 people out of 40 will get an interview. then one lucky prick gets the sweet 34k a year entry level job. that or they are just going through the motions and already know whose cousin or daughter is going to get the job hahahaha.

i was one of the last people to finish. hope they werent counting that against us. I am a really slow test taker. this is bad because slow is bad hahaha.

then I went and smoked a cig and waited for the next test to begin in like 30 minutes.

this was for a part time clerk job that pays 13 dollars an hour.

there was about 25 people taking this test. not that many people were taking both tests. there was a neet looking man taking the test for the 13 DAH PT job. he was wearing a SUIT and had a ponytail long hair and goatee. looked like a real help desk type. top speed video card in his gaming machine. must have forgot his fedora at home. prob has a darwin or FSM sticker on his foriegn car hahahaha

anyway he finished way before me. 90% of people finished before me. this test seemed even more ridiculous, especially considering what it was for. i think some people say FOOK THIS, ARE YOU KIDDING ME and just got up and left. why am I wasting 2 hours of a beautiful saturday, to try to get in the top 10% of this stupid ridiculous test, so I can have an interview, and have 70% chance of not getting, a 13 dollar an hour part job for prob no more than 25 hours a week?

there was like one sort of cute somewhat younger girl, maybe about 25. I should have Asked Her Out hahahaha but nobody was that social in the test taking room. anyway she finished WAY before me.

its not like I was finishing early and then taking a long time to double check answers. there was no double checking.

this one was 100 questions, no written portion. it probably was more excruciating than the first test…..and for a much worse paying job.

shit like:

HH: 555555SSSSS555555SS5S5S5S5S5S555S5S5SSS555SSSS5555SS

II: 5S5S5S5S5S5S5S5S5SSSS5555SSS55SS55S5S555SSSSS55555SS5S5

JJ: SSS5S5S5S5S555S555SSS555SS5S5S5S5555SS5S555SSS555SS55S

KK: 5S5S5S5S5S5SSSS555SSS5555SS5S5SS55S5S5S5S555S5S55SSS5

which set has the least number of 5’s?

which set has the highest number of S’s?

which 2 sets have equal numbers of 5’s?

that was especially ridiculous and I think might have signalled the start of FOOK THIS SHIT walkouts.

and then there were another 4 or 5 sets of 3’s and 8’s hahahaha.

all on very shitty xerox.

also sets of 4 or 5 numbers where you had to determine how many of them WERE exactly the same.

93745740 vs 93747540

04058261 vs 04058261

59204852 vs 59204852

29375041 vs 29357041

and so on.

and then you have to say two rows are exactly the same.

and then like 5 questions like that and you are starting to get dyslexic. if you’re not already dyslexic, and lots of people ARE, then you will be.

but if you are even a little dyslexic, you will not pass this test. no 13 dollar an hour, 25 hour a week job for you, ya dyslexic loser!!!!

also took almost the full 2 hours on this one. there was about 2 or 3 out of 25 people still there when i left.

its just funny. 13 dollars an hour was 4.20 an hour in 1980.  did you have rooms of 25 people taking a ridiculous 100 question test, of which the 3 or 4 highest scores get an interview, and one lucky prick gets that cadillac job, did it work like that in 1980?

shit. now im hoping temp agency 2 calls me back with the 13 dollar an hour “data entry” job rather than forcing me to take the 17 dollar an hour Call Center job, hahahaha.  i’ll do it for 12 dollars hahaha.

trying to psych myself up to do social appearance at pub tonight, saturday night. it would be nice gesture for the guy’s birthday. but it gets so busy there on weekends, like really packed. and people might pressure me to do karaoke like everyone else. im not against doing karaoke but i cant decide a god damn song. i mean it helps if you do a song everybody knows. not fooking weird carnivore and type o negative songs hahaha.

but i am kinda curious if there will be any qt gurls there, there probably will be. and i have a morbid obsession that That Woman might be there, even though she never went to bars, which was part of why i liked her. But she has good chance of becoming more slutty and social now. prob going out to bars and going out wiht all her new friends.

but this is not a well known bar, i think i mentioned it to her once and she had never heard of it. but maybe she goes there. its not well known, its kind of in the middle of nowhere, but on weekend it gets PACKED with white rednecks, my type of people in other words.

heh. times like this i wish I could still drink. like get drunk on a saturday night once in a while. like normies do!

maybe if i didnt have to drive.

or if i lived in amsterdam or colorado and could just order a fat spliff instead of drinking hahaha.

do they do recreational MJ in washington state?

washington dc its allowable, you just cant SELL it. so you have to GIVE it to people. be like here’s your free bag of weed and your 50 dollar……candy bar. cup of coffee.

recreational marijuana use is fully legal in Alaska, Colorado, Oregon, Washington and the District of Columbia.

i mean it will probably happen in my state in the next 10 years.

i mean there is a less than 1% chance the woman will be at this bar. but chances are she is fooking new guys who want her to go out to new places. but even when she was fooking her short term n199er bf who she was in love with, she didnt want to go to parties and bars with him, which is prob part of why he cheated on her hahahaha.  well i didnt think cheating was even possible when nobody owns each other hahaha.

empco. that was the name of the company that did the second test today. can’t remember anything on the first test. i think it was a diff company from the looks of it.

WHY call in 20 to 40 people for one day only, print up dozens of test booklets, etc, when they could have done ALL this online? because that would have made the barrier to entry lower. the people who didnt WANT it as bad could have still conveniently taken the test.

but isnt it CHEAPER to do it online, i mean for the employer?

so why not do something thats cheaper?

you would be amazed that for harping about cutting costs and increasing productivity and efficiency, many companies do things that are BLATANTLY stupid and inefficient. because of politics, beauracracy, red tape, chains of command, approval. they might save money in the long run, but not in the short run. and the short run is the only thing that matters. thats what i know about business hahahaha.

i mean really i am having second thoughts about going out. i mean it is literally so packed and busy that you cant sit down, its loud and noisy, conversation is hard enough. if you like doing drinking and karaoke its one thing. i used to like doing those things. but………i mean i will see this guy later in the week, i can buy him a drink then!!!!

but theres a .0000001% chance SHE will be there!!!

ARE YOU FOOKING KIDDING ME????

that is the LAST reason I SHOULD go!

really i SHOULD go. just go for the guys birthday. it will be a fun change of pace. this is how people meet their wives. i mean SOME decent women go to this place. and some indecent women hahahaha. i might not mind that either.

shit. it might be different if i were going with a friend rather than showing up there. or going to a small house party. i like those.

i could probably get a medical MJ card by saying that because of the meds i take for my despair, a side effect of those is nausea, or muscle spasms. boom.

now do i need to give them medical history? sometimes yes, the less shady the MJ 420 dr is.

i mean it COULD be on the ballot THIS november if enough signatures are collected by…june 1.

need to get 60000 more legit signatures out of 250000 in the next….37 days. they are taking donations and using “professional signature getters” they are paying. and of course also taking volunteers. I should volunteer hahaha.

well i was also thinking of going to the training for this call center job, because the training is valuable. there is no free training materials available on the internet. you gotta pay 1000 bucks to take a call center training class. I have a call center textbook now so that is kewl, but there needs to be more books like that, and websites for the poor shmucks answering the phones and trying to solve problems AND figure out what to say. there is nothing for these people on the whole wide internet. i am tempted to go to the training and just be REALLY difficult.

like really GRILL the trainers. like who are YOU. i want to see you take a phone call right now. get some phones in this training room right now. then we go around all the new people and everyone gets their turn in the hot seat. but they have An Experienced Level 2 with them every step of the way. do this. do that. look this up. here’s what this means. say this. explain it this way. this is happening because of this. tell them this, because this. ok ok let me take over here. basically have 2 people on the call, and have everyone watch and learn as the experienced person held the hand / acted as training wheels for the newbie. We would see their screen and hear their call. after their call, they would breathe a sign of relief, and not have to go up again for 10 calls, and could watch the other newbs.

its like every call is being called up to do a problem on the board in front of the class. except you do that all day. with shittiest help and guidance.

and I would be difficult and asking fookloads of questions from the very first day of training: how do i search cases? can we do that training method I said above? why not? it’s fookin brilliant. hire me right now as a trainer.

they did not do that with my previous job. they had the classroom and then we looked at the systems. but the classroom was NOT SET UP TO TAKE PHONE CALLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

then we went out on the floor to Shadow people. but some of these people were good and some not so good. because there was no ongoing training after your first shitty training period. you just grew up like a feral child.

it would help a lot to have newbs take calls while being actively guided by several experienced trainers who could help them every step of the way. and train us with 1000 calls that way. hahaha. or at least 100.

but that would make too much SENSE.

whenever there is something that is written unclearly, IE every knowledge base article, shit that brings up more questions than it answers, i’ll say, well, this is unclear and misleading. who writes these. how can we update them. is there a talk page for this, or can we make edits, like wikipedia? who CHECKS this stuff? is this stuff proven to work? is this really a BEST practice? i want stuff that is approved by people who actually answer phones and do stuff, not level 3 phaggots who havent taken a call ever.

give us simple clear steps, not a 9000 page thing. give us a few sentences of plain english we can explain to the caller. we shouldnt need a manual for the manual when we are trying to figure stuff out FAST. reading confusing instructions for the first time and pretending like we are an expert.

Trainers? when was the last time you pretty boys took a CALL? give me a level 1 person who’s survived a year on PHONES and have THEM train us.

yeah i had a bad experience with the Last Call Center, and I didnt want to come here either, but 2 recruiters told me to give the training a chance, plus I didnt have to interview for a job that pays 17 bucks an hour, when for other 13 dollar an hour part time office clerk jobs which are WAY easier, I ahve to take a 2 hour test just to have a 2% chance at getting the job.  i really dont want to be here unless you convince me this is a good place that isnt managed like shit.

there needs to be COMMUNICATION between everybody. there cant be these big secrets where the smart people figure it out and find the hidden knowledge, while the Dumb Level 1’s flail and drown and blind leading the blind, throwing spaghetti at wall, throwing darts blindfolded. FOOK YOU I QUIT.

and if the 13 dollar an hour excel data entry job calls me back during the training, I’m leaving your 17 dollar an hour call center job.

but its 17 dollars an hour! thats more money than i have ever made, and more than I made with the last job.

more than SHE makes!!!!!!!!!!! I would LOVE to make more than SHE makes!!!!!!!!!

but I would also be ok with a less stressful job with no phones and less service, at 13 dollars an hour.

why is every fookin job a HELP DESK CALL CENTER JOB????

they pay all right, but why the fook cant I just get a boring routine data entry job for 13 bucks an hour? how come I dont get offers coming up to me saying they will hire me for that without an interview???!?!?!?!

yet I can get a 17 dollar an hour job without an interview????????!?!?!?!?!?!?

but its in the one thing that strikes insane fear and dread and panic into my heart???!?!?!?!?!?!?!

why is GOD PUNISHING me like this??!?!?!?!?!

just BLESS me with a easy, boring, low stress 13 dollar an hour job! 12 dollars! you can keep you 17 dollars!

yeah not going out. they go out too LATE anyway. i dont want to be leaving the house at 9 pm or later!!!!!