NO DIRECTION IN LIFE

feb 8

kinda grumpy today even though i had a decent day at job. not sure why, not sure it even matters why. all day at job i was not so grumpy. just started when i got home. felt like a real loser. NO DIRECTION IN LIFE. it was prob hearing about this colleage womans daughter who is doing WELL in life. has plenty of direction. prob about 22 years old and looking at a highly selective Doctorate degree in a health field. they dont just want good students, they want good students with volunteer experience and LEADERSHIP qualities and letters of recommendation to back it up.

current the young woman has a 2 year degree in the health field and currently works FT in that field, with yearly opportunities to level up, take more training, and get pay raise. and rather than say this is it, i’m done, she says nope i want to do a highly selective competitive DOCTORATE degree that will DEF add to respect and pay and opportunity. i mean this isnt The Humanities were talking about.

and i was like shit this girl is only 22 years old at MOST. why didnt i just do something like that. how did i let myself get so far off track. why couldnt i just have had DIRECTION IN LIFE like that at that age. even now I dont have any direction. i dont think about graduate degrees like that. i just think of it as dues to pay, a grind, that will HOPEFULLY open more doors, but maybe not, just like regular college. If college is high school 2.0, then graduate school is just high school 3.0.

and right now i am tired and grumpy. took a benedryl at like 3 pm to prepare for early bed at 7 or so. but so tired at 3.44 i could take a damn nap right now. after a 6 hour Easy Day of Job. not working a 16 hour shift of a tough health job, on your feet, dealing with dying patients, running make and forth, making Creative Cognitive Decisions, and then coming home and working on online Graduate School, reading long dry papers, writing long dry papers, taking tough exams, doing Research.  but it is a good school and good program.

was talking a Choice Customer yesterday and found he had started a phd at a really shitty and expensive online college. I thought shit, why the hell did you do that. he was 1 point off on his major research project and essentially kicked out of the program, well, sure he could continue if he continued to pay them big bucks. and he’s taken a ton of random graduate programs at tons of random “third tier toilet” and worse colleges. and NOW, at 60 plus years of age, he is trying to get into yet ANOTHER graduate program, a phd once again. i just hope the school is ok, it seems better than the online bullshit (even though it is still online), and that they accept some of the work he’s already done and he wont have to start at square 1. because he is a great guy, very willing to work hard, not a lazy guy.

i cant think of ANY lazy person that lazily got a masters degree as a kind of high school 3.0. EVERY one was hard working and motivated as FOOK, even if the college was bad and the degree didnt pay off. (In most cases, it did pay off though. just not for my 65 year old buddy unfortuantely. well, SOME of his graduate work def paid off in his career. just not enough of it IMHO.)

anyway. to think i would not be worthy of this 22 year old woman because she is way out of my league. and she IS. way younger AND WAY more ambitious AND way more successful at 22 than I am at 31+ and probably ever will be!  I have no CHANCE of Dating a woman this high quality!

not that her career ambition MAKES her high quality, because i dont think women NEED that, but it MIGHT correlate with the positive trait of not being a stupid party slut.

now i only know the mother, who is my colleague, who is a very nice and friendly person, and SHE has a masters degree from a Good School. shit i think she has TWO masters degrees. i cant even force myself to get ONE hahaha.

i also have a pretty good idea that parents who are successful masters degree professionals are good at guiding their children down similar paths, and the children are usually good at going down these paths. like this womans daughter im SURE works very very hard, because you HAVE to in order to do that stuff, but I’m also pretty sure the daughter is not Struggling so much that she is on the Verge of Falling Apart just trying to do the bare minimum of admittedly Super High Expectations and Responsibilities. I was always on the EDGE of FALLING APART. and at least two times i fell off that edge and DID completely fall apart and break into 600000000000000000 pieces. so naturally thats a big worry of mine if i ever were to somehow get a lot of responsibility, that i dont think is as much of a worry to these hard working, successful young normies.

heh. bought a piece of silver for the first time in at least year and a half. 1 oz britannia round from modern coin mart on ebay.

http://www.ebay.com/itm/142175132771

seemed to be decent price, havent bought silver in forever, and dont have a britannia yet.

Super Secret Encrypted MEssage

—–BEGIN PGP MESSAGE—–
Version: GnuPG v2

hQEMA6lWRv7xrsmBAQf+N+dROPciJd/jdagcLINT/Ez1ntHRHPKoaLph/6M6QBPg
WeKsGTd31pV+/DpqorcpiHa/Vl7fOn/ckv5FxwlhxZAUWtTrZb8tgT0ut8g8AYnw
i/IAlpegKGEUUeRKo6G8++jmEc50XGtX4jpNaTRB0RPNmQlgDKZRgQ8qNTwIBxOG
KV0O+KNkeGitYZA+55/FhGGuCJxb+MtciR32oRBxGIQwwD+4OIxLheB9EeY2Y6e3
MqjaAA63YICqnoJ2O8EyCSekajkvjj8wCNGmhP3bed/tyBb42GXqWDu5iMWceFZW
il6Gu3a7ECwMIhFZDSJxshn4obymahkTnh58WpKOztJbAaX+kv5vG4orVpXNVqAI
KrnFppWcxD2YdaAKpuyneF8ZM1rc0F/GB1aLbPzgXdS+l64ELrANlTbwWBYJVJZ9
iq+qb0xHHGCnNZNX74HfNuOL59pjg2w8759o7Q==
=AoQy
—–END PGP MESSAGE—–

that is what an encrypted message looks like hahahaha. i wonder what it says hahaha.

if you give a person both the unencrypted  message and then the encrypted message, can they then determine your private key? your public key? and then decrypt all messages you encrypt for that person?

my thought is no. hopefully. i mean i thought PGP was so strong even NSA/CIA/Kremlin/Mossad couldnt break it!!!!!

heh. MJ’s price is like over 10 times that of silver, but like 7 times less than gold.

had a flicker of interest in checking out “higher education administration” masters degrees but the one in the area is full time and also has a YUGE emphasis on Social Justice and Equity. like these are literally the first things they mention when describing the degree. DAMN. NOT A GOOD SIGN.

all in preflop with AA. he had JJ and got a J. no A for me. lost it all. IM OUT!!!!!

it was a kinda bad beat, not the worst beat, but I CANNOT lose sight of the fact that i DID THE RIGHT THING by going all in with AA. now if I had KK, I dont know. I worry the other guy had AA. but going all in with AA vs JJ is ABSOLUTELY the right thing, EVEN THOUGH I lost.

feb 9

saw muh older teacher Buddy today and he is jsut a great guy. i dont like to see him toiling on phd stuff with shit tier schools who then leave him in the lurch. he is meeting with a new school soon about a new phd program and hopefully they give him good news and also let him use some of the stuff he’s already done. i cant imagine having that kidn of motivation at age 65 hahaha but GOD BLESS HIM hahahaha.

so i asked him if i could read some of his papers, could you just shoot me an email, or show me some papers on your flash drive. he said sure and i popped in the flash drive and copied a few papers for my reading pleasure. just so i can get a better idea of what his work and interests are about. his intellectual pursuits that dont involve teaching intro classes to 19 year old arab punks hahahaha.

because his background and interests are KINDA similar with my own. except he took infinitely more graduate level courses than i did, which I did zero hehehehe.

but hes written a lot of stuff and i dont think much of it has gotten PUBLISHED. maybe one paper in 20 years. talk about discouraging! but this doesnt stop him.

anyway, i basically have to get the papers directly from him if i want to read them, so i did that, and i am happy about that.

not surpirsingly the stuff reads like dryass academic articles……which they are.

i mean this guy is the antithesis of dry. he is high-energy, sociable, extraverted, friendly, engaging, charismatic, his students love him, with good reason. he really needs to write a Nonacademic book.

bringin out the BIG GUNZ today, the start of muh weekend, when I would really like some MJ hehehehehe. but yeah this is a classic black metal album of all times. its classic for a reason. and not just the title song. the whole damn album. if you are down with weakling you are down with me. just top tier shit. topkek. vocals are just fine. ok i wish they did another album, and im not THRILLED that the bass player was a jooish woman. i dont think she had much creative input though.

heh. read the 40 page paper of muh “colleague.” well i mean double spaced word document and 10 pages was references. it was well referenced at least hahaha. very well referenced. i know da phds have systems and strategies and software to keep their references straight. but this guy…..is not super duper tech savvy, think he probably doesnt do that.  great guy tho. i am not dissing him. i mean the whole time he was working more than full time, has like 3 now adult children, and when he wants to take it easy he will do sub teaching to grade school kids in a good district.

theres one more paper i got from him, a 50 page paper that is the closest thing to a dissertation, on a diff topic than the previous paper, and hopefully he will be able to “recycle” this when he gets into the new program. he is a great guy, have kinda a mancrush on him.

dug around in email and found my old song from 2008. saved it to google drive for double backup hahaha. its still a good song even though i played it very sloppily. and i was a young, dumb, drunk loser absolutely killing my brain permanently at the time.

feb 10

MW doing some great obvious mansplaining. none of us should need this, but i really like hearing smart articulate people articulate it, and i would prefer my waifu to nod her head and say yes i agree with that and i’ve acted in accordance with that.

“SHE DOESNT TAKE REPRODUCTION, THE MOST PRECIOUS THING SHE HAS, SERIOUSLY.”

how is this SO hard to understand. j00 lies, thats how.

also more common sense which i need to remember more often:

  1. it severely hurts womens (and to a lesser extent mens) ability to PAIR BOND or CONNECT with a Mate, and this is of course related to the main point above

now MW seems to buy into the idea that Previous Fookbois DNA somehow permanently stays with the women and can influence the DNA or development of future child she has with a DIFFERENT man. this isnt the first time ive heard this theory. it sounds ridiculous but i grimly accept that it could be a fact hahahaha. there needs to be more Real Science on this, but that will never happen, couldnt get funding for that.

day off, tried to be productive, not neckbeard until at least 5 o clock, mainly succeeded. got up, did errands and such. got a great pair of 12 dollar george pants (tan/”barley”) from walmart, greatest pants EVER, so greatful to GOD that i have found these god blessed pants. fit just right, nice classic high rise fit, are pretty soft, look somewhat dressy and have a crease, have unpleated flat front. PERFECT. i hope they never stop making these.

also did grocery shopping and came home and cooked the beef. i bought really cheap beef which felt someone slimy. next time i will not buy the cheapest beef they have hahahaha. hope i do not get sick hahahaha.

trimmed beard with level 2, prob ideal to do this once a week.

and, very bigly, attempted to hem the leg of my nice walmart pants because i am a short manlet with like 26 leg hahahaha. it became so frustrating and time consuming just to try to iron a straight line on the legs that i gave up, unfort. basically you need to iron TWO straight lines in EACH pant leg before you start sewing. one for the actual new bottom fo the leg, and ANOTHER 1.5 inches below it where you actually CUT the leg and fold it under and do the sewing.

it all get twice as complicated because you’ve turned the pants INSIDE OUT.

and i dont know how to put a PIN in the leg at the desired length, and then fold the leg under so it creates a perfect straight line at the place of that pin.  let alone 2 straight lines. so frustrating to do it, and also frustrating to not be able to figure it out, and just give up. maybe i will try again tomorrow. i ironed one leg and the two lines were clearly not parallel. i was using a ruler to measure up from the bottom, and using a special fabric marking pencil i got in the ladies sewing aisle at walmart hahaha. but actually folding it into the straight line was the impossible part.

at muh social function was finally confronted on muh political views, not in a suspicious or bad way, but like well what DO you think about this. these are two VERY leftist guys who are HORRIFIED about trump, HORRIFIED on the travel ban, are ELATED that the travel ban has been shot down by judges, are disgusted by trump and his unethicalness, its been a horrible 2-3 weeks, im scared for the future, this is the worst president weve ever had, shit is BAD, what about flynn and putin, the bad news is that these guys actually read the news and are interested in news and politics, and the one guy is very articulate in arguing for his textbook New Upper Class SWPL leftism.

So I have to soften myself and CUCK myself because i dont dislike the people, but i know they would dislike my real views. so i said welp im probably a little bit the right of you guys, i had a big libertarian phase so i am pro-gun ownership and fairly libertarian on gays, and im also very interested in fascism and globalism and nationalism, see evola and riding the tiger and the kali yuga.

thankfully i found out one of the guys was more reasonable on guns than i thought he was.

but yeah both guys are very smart and read huffpost type stuff in great detail and have detailed opinions on judges, obamacare, mattis, flynn, travel ban, guns, abortion, gays, gorsuch, etc.

they are more tuned into news and politics than average person, and also more leftist than the average person. how do i always end up with the leftists hahahahaha.

so it came up because they were so WORRIED about whats been going on. trump should be IMPEACHED. he WILL be impeached. he will prob be impeached in under a year. trump is TERRIFYING. I cant BELIEVE this is our president. nevertrump sort of guys hahahaha. successful men over 30 years old.

one semi joked about an “INTERNATIONAL JOOISH CONSPIRACY” and I semi joked back, no, i’m not into conspiracies at all, but i do think it’s important to take an uncompromising look at jooish interests, they are real. although i didnt say any of this intelligently or confidently.

in the future i guess i might mention the alt right, and how you would agree that its important to understand how trump has mobilized a voting block among Working Class people. Populism. As a working class man from a working class background, I think these peoples interests are very valid. i do identify with middle american and i believe they are getting slandered as stupid ignorant backwards racists when they are really just average, everyday working people who want the best for their children. they are not so bad as rachel maddow and huffington say. their interests are my interests. i will try to say something like that.

but yeah. i am disappointed that i sounded like an unprepared idiot. cuz especially the one guy is a very strong communicator and arguer. and i dont want to argue with him hahahaha. both guys are way more successful than me.

so yeah but i am happy i was somewhat productive today. still would LUV some MJ of course. planning on taking a valium very soon, and then a benedryl before bed. ALREADY took a benedryl a few hours ago.

can you pgp things other than text? like files? i know you can pgp encrypt a hard drive.

yes you can. i just encrypted and decrypted a mp3.

ok 7 pm friday. gonna take the valium. ok took it.

but yeah. these guys are textbook New Upper Class Educated Professional masters degree joo york types. except one of the guys has very working class background and has no good reason NOT to be a trump supporter. the other guy has a much more middle class career much more in line with his Educated Professional views. although his family is kinda working class too!!!!!

probably made a mistake even mentioning fascism and anything slightly jooish. should have just said im a little bit more rightist than you guys, i read BREITBART sometimes with muh huffpo and msnbc hahahaha.

i dont even read breitbart and i never read huffpo unless i want to get Triggered hahaha.

also took a nice brief powerwalk because it was kinda sunny and slightly above freezing and i said it would be STUPID NOT TO, so, glad i did that.

i know there had to be a time when the majority of people on jeopardy didnt have graduate degrees or were grad students. but it is not so in the current year.

heh. it just feels wrong to have men and women competing against each other in almost any setting. ESPECIALLY FOR jobs and WITHIN jobs. and even on jeopardy. a program ive always enjoyed watching and playing along with, i am above average good at it, toot toot.

this winterfylleth album goes very well with their previous album “the threnody of triumph” hehehehe

 

Advertisements

HUHWHYTE FEVER, HUHWHYTE FEVER, WE KNOW HOW TO DO IT

dec 22

what is SO IMPORTANT to you means NOTHING to them.

you feel close to them because you text them every day and they respond. big fookin deal. they spend all day texting 900000000000000 guys a day every day. nothing special there.

so you fooked them and now youre getting feelings and want to spend moar time with them. nothing special there, she’s fooked 90000000 guys and it means nothing, its just fooking, just secs.

so youve known her for years and you think thats special, big deal, she’s known a LOT of people for years, you’re nothing special.

but yeah. she was the ONLY person I texted almost every day. i had no desire to text anyone else every day. now i didnt text her 90000000 times a day, but just a couple times a day, and took some days off if i felt she was getting overwhelmed. and 90% of the time, she responded to me like she WASNT getting irritated or overwhelmed. So we continued texting on 80% of days. and that meant something to me because i didnt do that with ANYONE else. And I havent done that with anyone else since things ended with her.

so for you, the texting every day relationship might feel special, but for them, its no big deal, its something they can just throw away.

saw a 45 to 50 year old woman in the office next to mine and i was like hmmm damn look what she’s wearing, she has got quite the body on her for an older woman. i think i would definitely enjoy banging her hahahaha. stalk her briefly on the internet and find she is 51 years old. thats a first hahahaha. well, she looks very good for that age! seriously!

no, i dont have a THING for “MILFS.” shit yes i do prefer younger women to older women. but its just rare that you see an older woman with a good body. most women become fat and or blown out in general hehehehe.

but yeah. i just hate how every experience with a woman that was so important and meaningful to ME, was not important at all to them. everything is casual. casual secs, casual rels, casual lives, casual deaths, casual murder, casual people, casual friends, casual family, casual lovers, casual husbandos, casual children. doesnt anything mean anything to them? yep the big tuff alpha negatives they fall in luv with and would sell out their family and children for.

that feel when you jerk off thinking about banging a 50 year old woman. feels weird man hahahahaha.

hey this is probably the best way you can have purely recreational, casual secs, by banging a woman who is not fertile.

sheeeeit. i find that my writing is not as good as I want it to be. I think its mainly a matter of just being rusty, because i dont write Business Communications every day, well, i hadn’t been. so switching to the intentionally shitty writing i do every day here, well, intentionally lazy low effort I should say, to the high effort, concise, smart sounding writing I have to do when writing emails to people with masters degrees and phd’s, i mean thats a challenge. which i should not give up on.

for example the email I was suggested to write to some software users 2 weeks ago, eventually made it to the CIO, phd of the organization, as he recommends a pilot program for some staff. so the new guy with really rusty writing is trying to craft an email to experienced people, and it eventually gets to a phd who has been in a highass higher up position for 10 years. who has the power to tell my manager, himself an accomplished, educated, impressive professional, wtf were you thinking hiring this idiot who cant even write a coherent sentence. does he have emotional problems? was he out of a job for 15 months or some shit? is he a 35 year old neet virgin? he sure writes like one! hahahahaha.

see, another RAFT of DISTORTIONS. illogical thinking. i think people can TELL shit about me, when they really CANT. i think they are sitting here putting me under a microscope and judging me, when tbh they dont have the TIME.

well, some of them DO have the TIME. but they’d rather be flirting understandably, with the hawt milf admin assistants hahahahaha and banging a 45 year old womans tits in the storage closet hahahahahahhahahaha. maybe looking at webcam gurls from their work computerz hahahaha.

no the people in my org are on average really good people. i’ve been AMAZED at all the nice, decent, good, friendly, outgoing, genuinely good, non-sneaky people i’ve met here. the place seems to attract good people. big part of why i would luv a FT Career Job there.

even the higher ups are nice. maybe they do sleazy things in their office but they are nice to me and thats all i really care about when i am on the job. i mean i am just trying to survive one day at a time hahahaha. not that that is NEARLY as hard and grueling as it was at muh previous job. i mean theres an actual risk of me sitting there BORED with NOTHING TO DO. I cant even COMPREHEND this. that gives me a new sense of weirdness and anxiety. but its much much much better than the anxiety of answering phones all day and oh god i dont know what to do or what to say or how im gonna get out of this mess!!!! and muh relship with one of muh closest friends is going down in flames and shes sitting right there handling this shit just fine and not talking to me!

so yeah i will take care not to fall in luv with any of the women at muh new job hehehehe. probably should try not to bang the 50 year old woman in the supply closet hahahahahaha. but shit. you cant fall in LUV with a 50 year old woman, i dont care WHO you are.

but yeah like i say, i already have years of experience in this org, its a large 600+ employee org and i guess the culture is just really good, i like it, wouldnt LUV getting a FT career here until I am 65 hahahaha. i have worked in 2 departments here and interacted with people from even more departments and they are always nice and friendly and good decent good faith people. all the managers and supervisors have been decent non-scamming, straight shooting, respectable, accountable people. i appreciate that.

i never should have left 3 years ago. i got along with That Woman so well, we started talking naturally about jobs, she found a place that was hiring a bunch of people, we both got in, over the long term she toughed it out, and i gave up hehehehe. no i dont BLAME her for getting me that job…..im just saying if i never met her, i never would have gotten the job, and i never would have left the job i didnt really want to leave. but i NEEDED to leave it. at the time i felt it was a sign from GOD that he put my lovely friend in my life to help me break out of my Comfort Zone. hehehehehe.

so yeah i dont BLAME her for any of that. but i do regret taking that job and i do regret meeting her. but i dont hate her or blame her. just saying she was a net negative for me hahahaha. great highs but even greater lows. it was just a sad sad sad situation and i really didnt need that. but it wasnt her FAULT. she didnt do it intentionally. it was just a perfect shitstorm. when you are a lonely old man and you get along so well with a Lovely Young Woman. its a greek tragedy waiting to happen. and boy did it ever. holy shit. i did not respond to that challenge well.

so i work with nothing but very educated, very nice, very experienced, very professional people. its RIDICULOUS. these degrees these people have, I dont even know what they are. EdS degree. good lord. like this woman who essentially works next to me all day. when i think about her career and education and accomplishments I get damn INTIMIDATED!  yeah i talk mad shit about career women with their masters degrees, but this woman is honestly SMART AF! not like the chattering “flibbertigibbets” uncle bern talks about where he rightfully wonders, how do these idiots have graduate degrees. not so with the people i work with. like this WOMAN. I am kinda glad to meet a WOMAN like this. it proves to me on a daily basis that women actually CAN be smart and mature and reasonable and rational and logical and smart.

anyway i didnt want to pry but i gently got her talking about her family, because i am always interested in peoples personal lives, unlike uncle bern hahahaha. i will gossip about people’s families and wives and children all day. so turns out her daughter, who is probably 8 to 10 years younger than me, is making over 70 grand a year in a very in-demand field. she will never have a problem finding a very good paying job anywhere in the world. she went to a very selective, very well regarded university, albeit a very expensive private one, i guess taking on a decent amount of debt because this is prob the most expensive college in the state. but her gamble paid off because now she is making 70k a year at age 23, 24, 25. real high achiever. started a competitive, accelerated masters degree program within weeks of graduating undergrad. had masters degree less than a year later. had job offers before finishing that. was making fooktons more money at age 22,23 than i ever will in my whole life……and i went to a selective, competitive undergrad univ too! I COULDA BEEN A CONTENDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and she got married around the age of 25 too! not riding the cok carousel too much despite being a very successful very young career woman!

so i said wow, good for her, she played her cards very well, you should be proud of her. i didn’t harp on how i was such a loser who could have been a contender. i tried to sound intelligent talking about colleges and grad schools and companies and industries and trends hehehehe. tried to talk like somebody who coulda been a grad school contender.

i mean i HATE grad school but the way this womans daughter did it, i am in favor of that: in demand fields, competitive programs, etc. exactly the type of shit I could never get into….but could have i hadn’t royally screwed up by being a fookin basket case in Uni. Peaked in high school, crashed and burned in Uni. This is what happens folks. but if you don’t crash, you can KEEP peaking past uni, past grad school, and peak in your damn 40s or 50s when you move from being a damn executive, to starting your own company and being the CEO President and hiring people from harvard to be your executives. which is the path this young woman is on. which i could have been on.

but, right now, I just dont want what I can get. and with good reason IMHO. paying 50 grand for a shit tier MBA-like degree that has a 50% chance of getting a 40k a year job……or if you are an underachiever without great social skills or high confidence or high energy or a great attitude or a great work ethic………. it wont get you anything.

and i see whcih of those groups i fall into and im like FOOK THIS SHIT, this is a losing bet for me, 50 grand saved is 50 grand earned, especially then the bet isnt gonna bring anything back for me over the long term.

so if i can make as much money without a masters degree as with one, then i might as well start trying to make that money right. hehehehe. and that has been a struggle of course. to make more than high school graduate money hehehe.

shit i mean if the people i work with NOW, PUSHED me to do a masters degree, they might be able to convince me. i mean i’m not ruling it out entirely. i never have. i am just skeptical as FOOK. you have to make a REALLY good argument to me. and really ive never been in the position to have people make that argument to me, until NOW.

theres this one woman at the new job who is super duper ridiculously nice to me……and that is exactly the type of thing i should try to take advantage of. she may want the D hahahaha. she is like 55 years old and not really a bangable 55 hahahaha, but she is not obese and not really ugly, and I KNOW she was prob a solid 8/10 when she was 25 hahahahahahaha.  anyway yeah i should get HER to write me a letter of recommendation, get HER to be a reference, buy HER lunches and dinners, anyway she says I am VERY SMART and she’s got a masters degree from a Good, Well-Known School hehehehe. which i will not name because doxing. but people have HEARD of this school.

so yeah when someone with a masterz degree from stanford says I Am Very Smart, I Blush with Pride hahahaha, i dont even care if they have a Schoolgirl Crush on me. I will TAKE that compliment hahaha. no they didn’t go to STANFORD, the place was a little worse than that hahahaha.

I SWEAR IM NOT AN IDIOT……..OR AM I??????? hehehehe. The way to muh heart is to reassure me that I am SMART. cuz I HATE feeling like a 101 IQ moron.

anyway she has a daughter who is probably a successful professional as well. who is probably AROUND my age, maybe a little younger hahahaha. working with people who have children who are a little younger than you, and WAY more successful than you, hahahaha. weird feel man.

i mean yeah at this point i will TAKE peoples patronizing pity. its better than NOTHING hahahahahahahaha.

and they are really not too patronizing or pitiful about it, they seem genuinely NICE! and i appreciate niceness. I try to BE that nice.

i just dont want to be too LAZY and too AFRAID to take action to pay it forward, like to buy people lunch and be outgoing and giving and talk to people. because this is a great OPPORTUNITY and i dont want to BLOW it. i have a habit of BLOWING OPPORTUNITIES. and giving up when the going gets tough. and here the going wont be getting too tough thank GOD.

and sometimes it seems UNFAIR that really this job is SO EASY and so low stress, while there are people out there getting fookin thrown the wolves. so i gotta approach that by being thankful and by paying it back/forward/whatever, by being a Really Nice Guy and SHOWING that to people, and not being too AFRAID to actually do that. bring in fookin donuts every day. do favors for people. buy fookin top shelf coffee and keurigs. buy gifts for people.

dec 23

this fookin guy just followed me on youtube who says he is alt left, and his ideal is white male asian female pairings. i guess he’s a white guy who believes the perfect race should be bred by white men with asian women. and he is NOT joking. WOW. I mean WMAF specifically grinds muh gears, I am VERY anti-yellow-fever. I only have HUHWHYTE FEVER. song parody of bee gees song hahahaha.

he has paired up with robert stark who i used to listen to regularly in 2012, 2013, then he disappeared, then he came back. he was never blatantly alt right but also had really interesting guests and is truly a Fair and Balanced journalist. he has WNs and Alt Right people on and doesnt judge them and i think he is probably redpilled on JQ. but i want him to have more of a personal opinion hehehe. he also sorta nnnnnnnoticed me sempai on my previous blog, so that HAD to be around 2012 or 13 at the latest. i mean he’s been around for a while and does quality work. but his new cohost is this weirdass asian lover, and i dont like that hahahaha. its not even strictly degenerate, its fookin WEIRD and disturbing and IMHO, Race Treason. but i will forgive a guy if he repents!

day before xmas eve. went to supermarket and it was the most packed i had ever seen it. had to buy some containers or boxes to wrap small presents in. also wanted to buy some fancy coffee to reward myself hahahaha. bought some sumatra organic coffee. i buy organic coffee to treat muhself. it is pretty good. not sure if as overwhelminingly good as I hoped, but its good.

last night felt the urge to crack open “THE CULTURE OF CRITIQUE” by stefan molyneux HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA and give it another try. it is a ridiculously dense book and honestly kind of dry unfortunately. its not a ripping page turner like you would want. there really should be a CoC for Dummies. i mean it takes a lot of effort and agency to read 1 page even. but its an IMPORTANT book, everyone should have a copy, and you should buy 20 copies for xmas and give it to your friends and family. should be required reading in all schools. you dont need to read it all at once. just have it in your house so when you want to read it, its there for you. buy copies to give to all the area libraries.

https://upfrommorallylazyloserness.wordpress.com/muh-top-tier-topkek-poasts/

added this new link to sidebar, decided I needed to have a page of all my better poasts, the top 5% or so. that when i go back and reread it i say, yep, thats one of the better ones. this is where i will collect them. is was yesterdays post that was a good one and made me say, hmm, i have to start organizing these for the readers hehehehe. or at least for myself hahaahaha.

went to social game yesterday and the suburban tavern was PACKED with more young qt gurls than i have seen in years. i think it was The Middle Class Gurls are Home From College for the Holidays. see, some of the cutest gurls Go Away to College and start riding the cock carousel, and i never see them, because they are segregated away in the college towns, and i def do not live in a college town! i used to when i went to college in a college town, and i can ASSURE you, there was a RIDICULOUS number of qt young gurls there, because they are taken OUT OF the Real World and put in these damn colleges to be sluts, and that is DEPLORABLE. They SHOULD be in the Real World. because these are REAL WOMEN, and it also PROVES the feminists and marxists are jooish liars when they say men have unrealistic standards of beauty for women. BELIEVE ME. there was like 10 girls in this tavern who surpassed unrealistic standards for female beauty then. i mean an 8/10 qualifies as Drop Dead Gorgeous. I mean these women are SO ATTRACTIVE i don’t even really WANT them. I just laugh and say, no im not missing out on anything, those women are SO above my league I know I dont even have a chance. And I am not bitter or butthurt about it. but i am kinda butthurt about not seizing the opportunity when I was that age and going to college in a college town FILLLLLLLLLLLED with young BEAUTIFUL girls!!!! hell NO i never even STARTED getting it out of muh system!

i am actually MORE interested in the young women who Arent Perfect Beauties, who have something Off about them. That Woman would be a good example. Compared to these Topkek Beauties, she was more of an Ugly Duckling, but that was MORE THAN GOOD ENOUGH for me.

but yeah. you want to see “unattainable” beauty? just go to any large college town and look at all those beautiful 18-21 year old girls! you will find THOUSANDS of them in every state in the union! it’s not a hollywood and new york only thing! you will find THOUSANDS of them at University of KANSAS!!!!!!!!! I DARE you to even TRY to prove me wrong.

and this is mother nature making even AVERAGE women ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS at this time in their lives. 18-21. so they can pull a great man and start having many healthy children with him. instead they go to college to ride the cock carousel, get indoctrinated, and prepare for a life of career worship, cats, and moar cock carousel. DEPLORABLE.

basically there are SHITLOADS of BEAUTIFUL young women out there, which actually makes me optimistic, in that if ANY of these women were hanging out with me, showing interest in me, and being loyal to me, and wanted to be muh gf basically, i would FORGET THAT WOMAN EVER EXISTED. there are MANY women out there who could REPLACE and ERASE her PERMANENTLY and make me forget I ever knew her. that are BETTER than her in EVERY way. there are TONS of possible women in Suburban Trvmp Country USA who would wipe the floor with That Woman.

Just go to a Tavern in a Middle Class Whitish Neighborhood on Xmas Break.

and before you had Jooniversities, these women would just be remaining in their hometowns where they belong instead of being physically removed, turned into sluts, then moving to cities to be even bigger sluts.

of course, i mean these girls were SO qt that i wouldnt CARE if they had been with 20 guys by age 20. well, i WOULD care if I were trying to Date Them. and after banging them, i would inevitably want to date them, and they would inevitably dump me.

just go to a large uni for engineering, do your first 2 years (or more!) at community college, then when you first arrive on campus as a 20 year old junior, go to parties and social events, don’t drink, and try to pick up innocent looking 18 year old freshman gurls. there are still plenty of VIRGIN GURLS out there. find an 18 year old virgin and she will luv you because you are her FURST, and then marry her and give her many children, make lots of money in your stem career, give it to your beautiful large huhwhyte family, and live happily ever after. LITERALLY. and your wife will always luv you and be loyal, because you are her FURST, ideally she would be your FURST too, and she’s DEFINITELY not gonna leave you if you are successful and make good money. live happily ever after. the end. and then your many huhwhyte children grow up to be successful and have large huhwhyte families like you did. can you even IMAGINE a more beautiful thing?

and people actually DO this! this isnt an unrealistic, unreasonable goal like becoming president or becoming a pro sportsball aflete or becoming a rapper.

heh. THAT WOMAN was an 18 or 19 year old virgin when she committed to her original boifran. she was loyal to him and worked to improve the rel when it got rough. she didnt bail out or throw him away. heh. of course then i wished I could have been her First Luv and have her show that loyalty and effort and hard work and luv and commitment and devotion to ME. and kinda jelly of that guy. what a PRIVILEGE to have an 18 year old virgin gurl LUV you and be COMMITTED to you. many of us will never know that feel hehehehehe. the best you will get is some MERCENARY who gives you her body for a MINUTE and you NEVER FORGET IT and she forgets you after a minute. cuz it means nothing to her, and means a lot to you. ya omega neet virgin hehehehe.

good morning huhwhyte america with adam and mary is now taking bitcoin dnations hehehe. shut up and take muh money.jpg hhahahahahaha. they are wholesome and comfy AF. and assholes like varg and sinead would give them shit for being CHRISTCUCKS hahahahahaha. uh oh, then they are jooish shills by definition hahahaha.

 

MORE IMPOSTOR THAN DUNNING KRUGER

dec 5

WOW JUST WOW. heres a FIRST in mother fooking almost a year and a half, in fookin 16.5 almost 17 months to be exact, the famous first is that i went to a JOB today and earned MONAY. That much feelsgoodman but I also feel impostor syndrome, like i am a dumb weirdo and these people are giving me a chance but i am too slow on the uptake, im not taking that chance, i’m not ATTACKING it, and they will be disappointed in me.

the job itself seems SUPER LOW STRESS and everybody was chill and happy. I mean i have really hit the jackpot there. i should give some money to GOD right now for that. AND I know this woman that works there, i used to work with her 3+ years ago, she is a good person, saw her today.

there is technically a lot of stuff to learn but i didnt feel the PRESSURE to learn all this crazy shit FAST and EXPLAIN it to frustrated people who are gonna GRILL you on it. so its safe to say this job will be a LOT EASIER and a LOT LOWER STRESS than my previous job. which is awesome.

the people are nice and available for questions. HOLY SHIT.

on one hand i just want to survive one day at a time.

on the other hand, i want to ATTACK IT and SHOW INITIATIVE and PROVE MYSELF and EARN RESPECT.

i dont want to be a TIMID MILQUETOAST.

Like so one guy with a masters degree is helping the other guy with the masters degree with the software and I am watching and learning, and Im like these are successful people who are Good At Adulting, who have got masters degrees and Reaped The Benefits by having Good Career Jobs.

and here i am, a huge loser who cant get a job for 16 months sitting there trying to look smart and ask smart questions and act normal like i am a normie adult, when i am super far from being a normie adult.

i guess the thing is to “FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT” and really i will have to do a lot less of that here.

just remind myself this is NORMAL the FIRST DAY OF A DAMN JOB.

its been a while since i had the FIRST DAY OF A NEW JOB. it has been fookin THREE YEARS since that. well, 2.95 years hahaha.

transitions can be stressful even if the job is not stressful.

be mindful. let the thoughts float away. the judgments about muh self. just try to be nice to the people.

i mean i am ALWAYS nice but i am also Timid and I don’t want that.

also i can’t do much because there is a lot that is tied to my email/login stuff, and apparently the IT dept has a Policy where they cant get my account set up until after I have started my first day.  not before!

well i gave them 30 minutes of unpaid time today just to tie up some meeting stuff, like talking to the boss, etc.

the people here are very chill about getting there on time hahaha. i forgot about that. this workplace, ive worked at it before, from about 2009 to about 2013, and there were many many things i liked about it. and i am seeing that much of that, like the chill setting and the nice people, might carry over. and here i will have even LESS direct customer contact. but muh customers will be a generally higher level. masters degree people hehehehe.

yeah but there are some people in the dept that DONT have a masters degree.

i decided not to bring donuts on the VERY FIRST DAY becuase that would look TRYHARD, like i am DESPERATE to be liked and accepted. i can bring donuts another day. prob my last day of this week which is thursday.

i asked them about coffee. people like to drink coffee. great i said. i have some folgers at home i can bring in for everyone to use. there is a mr coffee for folgers and also a keurig machine. a goddam keurig. i guess its not THAT fancy. i mean im open to having a cup of keurig once in a while but i am a folgers man every day.

i wore dark blue dress slacks and a decent fitting Poplin/Oxford Dress Shirt, white with blue stripes. I looked pretty good. I made a half joke about how I could wear a tie if you think that would be good.

Wore black skechers shoes which are NICE but they are also too BIG. I shouldnt have bought them but this was over 3 years ago I bought these shoes. I actually wore them when i was working at this place the first time. jeez.  so this time i would go to WALMART and get some nice black shoes for reasonable price.

i mean i just gotta RELAX and be MINDFUL and not FREAK OUT. i mean theres NO REASON to freak out. everyone is NICE, they are not pushing weird shit on me, all this is OBVIOUSLY in my own head.

BATTLEMIND.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battlemind

military toughness mental training. how to stay cool in COMBAT. I should really look into this. just learned this word today hehehe.

i am thinking of making like 10 hamburgers patties at once on a cookie sheet in the OVEN. then put the burgers in the freezer. then i can eat a Hamburger for a snack while i am at muh job, if i am not so nervous and spazz that I cannot even think of eating.

i mean it is a mental thing now. everyone there is nice, its just my own INSECURITY and Inferiority Complex that I’m fighting against.

and here i’ve been reading a ton of job related shit while at home. well i kinda wanted to. again just becoming more familiar with the field in general. i suppose it would be better ot study the exact stuff in particular, the software, well i sort of did.

should try to see if i can sync a google drive folder on the job computer. might be restricted tho. but i can get to the google drives website. cuz they are sharing google documents with my gmail address, ie they intentionally use google docs to share stuff. i mean why not.

shit i forgot to ask the boss about his phd program. and his kids. and his previous jobs. 99% sure he is a democrat and might be a progressive activist one. he is big on education and worked in Inner City schools and certainly believes that poor blacks kids are every bit as capable and smart as privileged huhwhyte kids. and he has had a successful career, plenty of respect, and a wife and 3 kids to encourage his Weltanschauung hahahaha. he clearly is doing things right!

credit Salty Seaman with his parody of Kyke cernovich’s “gorilla mindset” with “chimpanzee weltanschauung” hehehehe.

http://english.stackexchange.com/questions/17908/whats-the-difference-between-weltanschauung-and-worldview

fooking intellectuals just jerking each other off hahahaha.  see this is one reason i dont want a masters degree. or especially a phd. its all mental masturbation .

anyway the boss is a good guy. i just wish he were a Rightist instead of probably a Leftist.

Well I think HIS boss is more of a rightist than a leftist hahaha. he already has his phd hahaha. but from a less prestigious skool. one of those classic working career adult completes phd in their spare time much like a MBA or something. i mean thats a good accomplishment too. the guy is obviously a hard worker, very ambitious, persistent, tough, BATTLEMIND, all good qualities. this guy is VERY masculine and somewhat intimidates me. shit he was also my boss’s boss 3-4 years ago so yeah I sorta know him. he is everybodys boss.

ambitious people dont like unambitious people and vice versa, sez famous negroball coach nick saban. for me this is hauntingly true. ive never been ambitious although i could have been successful if i were, cuz i used to have a good brain. but never had the work ethic. so people that DO have a strong work ethic, i worry about them looking DOWN on me as a Lazy Bum who doesnt Wanna Work Hard. Theyre not wrong, but I dont think that makes me a horrible person hhahahahahaha. but this guy is very ambitious and i dont want him to look down on me, cuz i respect him and what he’s done. thats a big part of it too, you dont want people YOU respect to disrespect YOU. you think someone is a good role model, and they think you are a lazy bum.

well he doesnt think i am a lazy bum. i hear he thought pretty highly of me when i interviewed with him once for a FT job in 2014. i guess i actually can sound sort of smart in interviews. then once i get the job i sound like an idiot hahahahaha.

http://workplace.stackexchange.com/questions/80549/does-using-documentation-as-a-developer-make-me-look-unprofessional

heh. this guy is worried that looking stuff up makes him look dumb to his coworkers, because he doesnt automatically know it. never mind asking them dumb questions!

thankfully the responses are largely no, what you are doing is smart and good.

dec 6

everyone at the job is nice and there is no pressure, but i am putting a ton of pressure on myself to be smart and impressive and funny and likeable and normie and charismatic and fun and smart and a team player and a value adder and asking smart questions not dumb questions.

everyone is also super accomplished, basically everyone i work with or talk to has a masterz degree or a phd but they dont have a big head about it either. now i want masters degree people to know i am every bit as smart as they are…..but i dont want to get a masters degree. they are ambitious and career oriented so they were very motived to get an advanced degree. i am not. but i cant say that here. like yeah im just as smart as you, i just didnt want to work as hard. but they arent such workaholics that they arent nice, or are weird. everybody is nice and has families and children. sometimes i want to say “you know i only make 11 dollars an hour and dont have a masters degree in this field right? i mean im not an idiot and my undergrad was better than your undergrad hahahahaha but then i went off the reservation and became a loser after that point.

but everyone is very understanding and theyre like yeah i know thats a lot of stuff to be thrown at you.

it KINDA is, but not any more than i had before, plus the important part is, i dont have to answer phones all day and fix things for users of this software and explain it, while having nothing but the Documentation to assist me in that chore, and experts were very unavailable. here, the experts are just chilling out and you are sitting in a room right next to them with the phone only ringing once an hour! its SUCH a different environment, 180, i mean its 14880000000000180 times BETTER and more POSITIVE!!!!!!

Just some person with a masters degree in tech, whos an expert in these tools, who can answer any question I or the users have, explain everything, who WELCOME feedback and complaints and feature requests, dont just bark im busy read the documentation. its INSANE. no WONDER these people have masters degrees and years of experience, to have such good chill career jobs.

Basically everyone is a damn instructor too. all these people are teaching college classes on the damn side. To the point where I have to laugh sheepishly and say, now i’ve never actually taught a class before, because all these people have taught classes! They are all teachers!!!!!!

so yeah. much more of the impostor sydrome than the dunning kruger effect hahahaha.

i have been studying quite a bit when i get home, was going a training module today on a major piece of software.

Used the coffee maker today and one of our clients said that is some good coffee, reminds me of the maxwell house we used to drink at home when i was young. I said thank you thats the first pot o coffee ive ever made here hahahaha today is my second day.

he was an afro-american man with an MBA, very intelligent and well dressed hahahahahaha.

if most of the Black Men you met were like THAT, you might very well not be a racist, but be a damn pro-black, anti-white, anti-racist!!!!! no he was all right, i had no beef with him, clearly a Talented Tenth and would be welcome in my white nation hahahaha.

only working 6 hours a day which is perfect…..then come home and do some studying, and now i should go for a powerwalk, and thinking of bed at 8pm, i mean only 2 days in, of only 6 hour shifts, and i am feeling a crunch on my time in other words.  but i guess thats to be expected. will take a LITTLE getting used to.  so dont get NERVOUS or FREAK OUT about it. just ACCEPT IT. RADICAL ACCEPTANCE. DBT.

yassssssssssss rich spencer live at texas a&m, the skypes did not shut him down, its happening RIGHT NOW and there seems to be an enthusiastic crowd.

also some great uppity shitlibs. this is a Good School and is gonna get PhD level shitlibs and marxists.

yeah well spencer got into a phd program at duke, hahahaha.

shit i gotta go back and listen to this whole thing just to hear all the college leftists in detail and how he responds to them in detail. i missed the first hour of this.

but there needs to be a lot more of this, directly engaging and debating college shitlibs, uhhh because im not good at it hahahaha and really want to listen to someone who is confident and good at it.

TRS goys and univ shitlib marxist BLM together in the audience. NOICE. I gotta read more about this event. and the stuff that went on before, after, outside, nearby.

ebonic talking black female talking about whites doing genocide, youre building this country on the backs of black slaves.

i mean yeah you are gonna find the BEST (ie the worst, slimiest, most twisted) shitlibs at big, reputable univs like TAM, so yeah, more of this. lots more of this. YEAH BUDDY.

i wanna hear him and our side debate and argue with the other side, i dont hear it enough.

faggy philosophy student talking his love of logic and logicians from aristotle to russel, this is exactly what i want to hear, what i want spencer to BTFO, and which i cant handle, cuz i have no patience for hardcore logic hahahaha.

oh shit college “conservative” wanting to tell spencer he stands with the left to condemn spencers hateful rhetoric, how brave bantz spencer. RS is doing really well at this IMHO, needs to do this EVERY DAY. against even MORE hostile crowds.

http://boards.4chan.org/pol/thread/101841991/richard-spencer-at-texas-am-university

http://archive.is/iOEGP

https://twitter.com/search?f=tweets&vertical=news&q=richard%20spencer%20texas%20a%26m&src=refgoogle

http://www.dallasnews.com/news/texas/2016/12/06/protests-unity-event-texas-am-aim-drown-speech-alt-right-dallas-native-richard-spencer

2000 people PROTESTING him

whites with a phd in genetics asking how you determine white identity. god damn i hope that white guy is jooish. sadly he is probably an antiwhite white i fooking luv science! type shitlib. thankfully spencer is giving it right back to them, calling them fat idiots.

https://www.periscope.tv/w/1gqxvRrdNkqxB

i made muh first discord post to share this link i found in the 504um hahahahaha

http://time.com/4592947/students-protest-white-nationalist-richard-spencer-texas-am/?xid=tcoshare

time phagazine.

sheeeeit this is exciting. wish i could stay up late but i gotta get up early and act like a SMART PERSON. even with nice people in a slow environemtn, ideal people in an ideal setting, its still exhausting to put on the face and act like a smart capable normie for a paltry 6 hours!!!!!!!!!!!! i have NO IDEA how i survived at the other job. thank GOD this one is much better. mentally but not at all financially hahahaha.