sept 14

i dont WANT an EXPLANATION of WHY, I already know WHY, that’s nothing. I jsut wanted to be treated nicer, like a human being, like i mattered, like our Rel mattered, like it was an important rel between two human beings. sheeeeeit i already know WHY. the WHY is not important. I just wanted more kindness and gentleness and less ice coldness hahahaha. treat me and our Past Rel with DIGNITY.

i dont are about why. i already KNOW why. case closed. i just wanted to know what she was thinking regarding hurting me. did you really WANT to HURT me? and WHY was THAT?

other thing: besides being humiliated on a personal level, i felt humiliated on a woring level: i failed at this job, while she succeeded at the same job. She could handle it, I couldn’t. She’s moving up, I’m moving down. I cant handle REAL LIFE as good as her. She is a winner, i am a loser, and losers like me dont deserve to associate with winners like her. and maybe thats why she rejected me so brutally on a personal level. because i was just inferior scum in every conceivable way. i was like the slimiest, most scheming little sleazy greasy joo to her.

and i think abotu how women Botch Relationships and Emotioanlly Overreact (I screwed up TOO but she screwed up WAY more), and I think, how the hell can women do JOBS and make 13 dollars an hour??? you need to make GOOD decisions! you need to have a record of excellence! you need to communicate clearly and decisively! women cant do this shit! they are like a 50 foot baby with a flamethrower! how can they be mature enough to handle a 13 an hour job, LET ALONE a 20 dollar an hour job??!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?

she never made flashcards! she never looked at old cases! she never studied when she went home! she never did homework! yet i failed and she succeeded! I wanted to know how shit worked, she just said idk lol! and got a man to help her! and she is the winner and i am the loser at life! FOOK THAT SHIT!!!! FOOK THIS GAY

maybe i should embrace hating women like i embracing being a racist.

so i thought, well i dont even HATE other races, i just dont think races can coexist all that well. but women of my own race annoy the shit out of me just as much or even more than people of other races!

and this is not good, i thought. it jsut doesnt feel like something natural or sustainable the way being a racist feels pretty natural. i dont really WANT To hate women in other words.

also, for a man like me who wants so much to be a father and have children…..i dont think its a good idea for a Good Father to HATE WOMEN!!!!!!!

Good Fathers don’t hate women, they get along with women and teach their children how to get along with women!

so yeah in order to level up to pull good women, i need to learn how to deal with low level trash women on okcupid hahahaha.

i guess muh goals in life were never specific enough. find a nice gf. that became find a nice gf and make her muh waifu. as i got older. then that became have children with the waifu. and also get a 13 dollar an hour job with benefits and weekends off that doesnt drive me crazy. that is all.

maybe GOD is not calling me to be a father though. or even to be married. some people are called to be SINGLE 4 LYFE. Its just very weird though. cuz some of my biggest goals were to be married, have children. now GOD is telling me that i’m WRONG??!?!?! these arent horrible ungodly things! GOD LUVS marriage and family and so do I!!!!!!

but maybe  this is not what GOD has meant for me and my life. which is frustrating, because, like i just said, god LUVS marriage and family!

so i thought that well, maybe i’m supposed to be single and childless and I can still support marriage and family by…..doing marriage and family related work. it just seems frustrating though. that all these people can get married, have families and children, some of them are totally shitty too. and i’m meant to SUPPORT families, but i’m not allowed to have a family myself? it sounds CRUEL and SADISTIC!!!! like TORTURE!!!!! God doesnt just TEST us, he TORTURES us!!!!!!!! why the hell CANT I have a family?

well, besides I am totally not ready for it. but i really should be at this age. I mean realistically i have too many ISSUES to be a husband and father. unfortunately. but its the truth.

also, i want to know if i did something terrible, SO I DONT DO IT AGAIN IN THE FUTURE!!!!!!!

i dont want to fook things up this bad again!!!!!!

but again thats an unknown. most likely i didnt do anything horribly wrong, like lie or cheat where i really AM the bad guy at fault. sometimes that shit DOES happen. sometimes it IS your fault.  sometimes you ARE the bad guy.

it would have almost been better if she said YOUR THE BAD GUY, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT.

heh. maybe.

i hate making mistakes, but i might hate NOT KNOWING if i made a mistake or not even MORE!

i mean if i ever get feelings for a friend again, i WILL handle it differently, namely, tell them assertively and quickly.

oh yeah. when women think “ALL GUYS LOOK AT PORN.”

WRONG! so yeah that is triggering. they havent met me yet! I dont look at porn because it is jooish filth that ruins women and men! poisons the mind and soul!!!! i actively do NOT watch porno and can’t imagine wanting to watch it EVER AGAIN!!!!!! its DISGUSTING!!!!!!!!

applied for 5th job today. army related job. administering asvab tests hahahaha. 15 an hour. found out it was casual/intermittent, meaning no benefits. sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeit. thats the whole reason to get a fedgov job!

well i did not see that until i was 80% done with the grueling 16 minute application hahahaha.

NOTE: the first time you apply for a USAJOBS job, it will take MUCH longer to build your superresume, get all your shit together etc.

all guys do not look at porn, just the manly men you date hahahahaha

omega male sex negative neets think porn is disgusting degeneracy hahahahaha but we are invisible to women so…..

Women SHOULD be CAUTIOUS, they can get PREGNANT!!!!!


how can someone with the maturity level of a CHILD make an ABOVE AVERAGE INCOME???? make WAY MORE THAN ME?

also it sucks when they are much more mature with other people, and super immature with you.

then you wonder, what did I do, so I don’t do it again!

but what you did was not super duper offensive, but just basic bitch communication mistakes.

besides, if you are doing something SUPER wrong, like lying or cheating…….you usually KNOW it, and you think, welp, I can GET AWAY with this, they’ll never find out. nothing like that here.

TEN dollar an hour job where posting calls for EIGHTY wpm typing. i have 60.

EIGHTY words a minute for TEN dollars an hour. 


113 people applied, so i should apply too hehehehe.

i have a great SUPPORT SYSTEM, so why the hell am i so insecure and unstable and struggling and on the edge?

i have to remember, i dont hate all women. this woman i see at my weekly game, she is very nice and good and i like her and she doesnt annoy me. when i first met her, she kind of annoyed me a little but now i totally appreciate and like her. too bad i am not in luv with her hahahaha. i really didnt have any of that interest in her. not a slut either. darn near asexual which was starting to become weird…..but in the past few years she met a good decent man and they are getting married. pretty much a perfect situation there. he is pretty masculine and not a niceguy wimp pvssy like me, but i get the idea that he has morals and was not a degen womanizer at any point.

separate website for FBI jobs, they are not posted on USAJOBS………i dont think.

ok applied for gs05, 32k level job with air force. it specialist hahahahaha. now this is more like it. there are some fedgov bennies hahahaha. however no specific openings at my local air force base. might never be an opening hhehehe.

ok 6 jobs for today hehehe good enough.

well 7 would be better but i am getting back on the horse. i mean SHEEEEEEEIT, i might have to get to 600 jobs. at 600 i will start sucking dicks for recruiters until i become blacklisted by every recruiter in town. there are a lot of recruiters in town! sometimes it seems there are more recruiters than nonrecruiters hahahaha.

anyway im saying it would take MANY YEARS for me to burn through every recruiter in town.

but yeah it bothers me that a person can be more successful than me yet be a lot more immature than me…..and i am pretty immature.

also, i was the one putting myself out there. she wasnt really putting herself out there at all. she COULD HAVE. in the sense that it would have took some agency and initiative to Respond to the Request, and say Listen, I’m Not Interested, Let’s End this in a good way.

but no she just shut down entirely.

i did not shut down entirely regarding HER.

i did kinda shut down regarding my job and my life.

but its impossible to communicate or deal with a person who SHUTS DOWN.

basically, she shut down, I didnt. I was begging her not to shut down.

yeah, i shouldnt have BEGGED…….but jeez. if someone is begging you, just humor them. i dunno. ive never had anyone BEG me before. I imagine i would write them an email hahahahha.


you cant do anything with someone who shuts down. cant communicate, cant make the best of a bad situation. shutting down is abotu the worst communication there is. i did bad communication but not this bad. i didnt shut down.

how can SHE make more money than me and be more successful at life than me???!?!?!?!?!

and in relships too. she had a 4 year relship that could have resulted in marriage. i have never had a long term monog committed rel with a woman, ever.  that in itself is a damn red flag to women, and i have to damn lie about it essentially, or just avoid talking about it.

but i also feel like i havent been given a fair CHANCE. give me a CHANCE and dont GIVE UP and WALK OUT on me. im not THAT bad!!!!!!!! i honestly believe that! im not perfect but im not THAT bad!!!!!!!

i dont SHUT DOWN. I’ll write you a longass email before I shut down. Or leave you a 5 minute voice mail of me rambling. i will tell you whats on my mind in great detail!!!!!!!!! look at this blog!!!!!!

dont look for a redpilled woman, you wont find a decent one. just find a nice decent wholesome woman who has not taken too many dix and you can make her redpilled.

i have known this for a while, i am very comfortable being the red pill person hahahaha. just want a wholesome, moral, decent, nice, woman, thats all.

fook politics, fook redpills, fook race, fook music, fook taste, fook coolness. dont sweat the small stuff hehehe.

she will prove her race loyalty simply by not being interested in fooking nonwhites. and OF COURSE she WILL say something like “but Im not racist, i swear!” im not so autistic any more that I want a woman to say “yes Im proud to be a racist!” for a woman, thats just WEIRD!!!!!!!!!!! for a man, its pretty cool tho.

its very similar to when i was young, i thought it would be so cool to find a waifu who liked METAL. now im smart enough to know that would be a fooking clusterfook. it would be similar to find a full on 1488 waifu. they would prob be bipolar, borderline, and fooking ingras in 6 months.

note: i don’t think That Woman was Over the line crazy like that. she was acceptable levels of normie female crazy. she just greatly disappointed me is all. she is still way less evil than average. a good person who did something very disappointing to me. shit i would take her back in an instant hahahahaha.

i mean women are just not good at making real world judgments and doing things in the real world. yet they make shitloads more money at jobs in the real world. when they have no real SKILL in the real world! i mean when it comes to SERIOUS shit in the real world,  you’d be a fool to trust a woman! they jsut dont have it! and i dont say that to be mean! its just the way it is! its just not a good match for them! their skill set is elsewhere! namely, raising children. and heres the thing, that can of course be extremely compromised as well. in the current year. so many times it appears that many women are good for absolutely NOTHING.

i mean many women in the real world are literally good for absolutely nothing. its sad and horrifying and it didnt have to be that way.

and that woman, she was not one of those worthless women. like i say, i hurts a lot more to be rejected by the good, decent women. those are the ones that take longest to get over. because something of great value was lost. as opposed to something of no value. or negative value hahahaha.

i guess i should meditate on this real life woman i know who is not a piece of garbage, but actually a decent, good, wholesome, moral person. nope she is not redpilled, nope she is not politically minded, yes she likes the worst music and tv shows and movies ever.  but she has good morals, has lived according to those morals, and would make a good wife and mother. perfect. i am not attracted to her but i wish I were. well actually not, because she is getting married and good for them i say. its about time. really she’s getting married a little late at like age 29 or 30, but better late than never in her case.

so whenever i think of That Woman, i should replace her with thoughts of This Woman. Yes.

and i dont think even if you cut muh balls off it would even help. my secsual libido is not the problem. its loving people who are gone, unavailable, and never luved me.

ok want to get in at least 2 applications before my afternoon powerwalk hahaha.

ok got in 3 but they were so low energy. local shitty hospital using ultipro ATS. it kinda incentivizes low energy applications. 3 to 5 minutes each. can only have one resume/packet on there at a time. ideally this is ideal, and employers wouldnt care if you only took 3 minutes on an app vs 30 minutes. but of course they do. and if you spend only 3 minutes, you will get screened out.

yeah tv is really triggering. i usually have it on as background noise……..but i really SHOULDNT. this is not a value added strategy hahahaha.

got 3 apps in real quick. the site said full time but 2 were ACTUALLY part time. i dont think this is intentional. i think it is just basic incompetence from whoever manages the postings. basic bitch not knowing how to do your job so you just Fudge It and pretend like you know what youre doing…..even though you have no idea of best practices. this is very common. this is the norm hahahaha. norm 4 normies. normies gonna norm hahahahaha.

ok time for powerwalk.

ok did 4.18 mile pwalk. listened to azzmador talking with grandpa lampshades.

ok this isnt the exact one but i should listen to this one.

they are both total laid back southern gentlemen, i have difficulty telling them apart hahahaa except azzmador has a slightly deeper voice. but i love this laid back, polite, friendly, southern hospitality.

very j00 wise alt right type guys who each do their own podcasts but not on trs. but i am sure they approve of trs. they are not renegade tier or anything hahahahaha.

heh. if i am going to have children i cant afford, i might as well do that with some woman i am madly in luv with and would never want to leave hahahaha. of course she could veyr well want to leave me!

because honestly i cant EVER imagine being ABLE to afford children!

heh. i could probably smoke MJ all day, then take the next 2 days off, and then my system would be clear to pass a drugs test. thats pretty good right?

ok how about 3 days.

really the best think i can do is powerwalking hahaha. i wish i was as good about lifting. but powerwalking is my strength, muh skill set, and i want to be the best powerwalker i can be hahaha.

the other thing i naturally do is writing this trash……………… and tbh the powerwalking is a lot BETTER FOR ME.

the writing CAN be good SOMETIMES but it can EASILY go both ways.

the walking cannot. the walking is ALWAYS good. cant go wrong. win win.

these women are NIHILISTIC and SOCIOPATHIC. the horrible lives they lead. the empty, shallow relationships. the things they value. MORAL INVERSION. NIHILISTIC and SOCIOPATHIC. treating people like OBJECTS.

i have been antsy since not having an interview is a while. and i am at 18.5 and i need to get to at LEAST 25. meaning 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, and 24 are all gonna be worthless. other than getting me one closer to magic 25.

but 25 isnt magic! like i say, on the whole, i feel i do PRETTY GOOD on interviews! i mean i dont SLAM DUNK it, but i still feel i do well enough to get an offer before 25!

bridget jones baby? a 50 year old slut with tons of grotesque plastic surgery creating a miserable innocent life out of her 50 year old adolescent sluttery? absolutely disgusting! if i didnt have the tv on i would never have seen that bullshit movie commercial!

women cannot give good advice basically. if you ever need HELP with figuring something out, god forbid you go to a woman. they might mean well, but my god they cannot give good advice. they MIGHT mean well though. that does count for something. but dear god dont take their awful advice. what makes /r/relships so shitty is all the WOMEN chiming in with their shitty advice. i need a MEN ONLY forum. but not necessarily a MGTOW or got forbid GAME forum. but 99% of Men Only forums are going to be MGTOW, MRA, or Game.

well, not TRS though. but TRS doesn’t have a relationship section. but they should hahahahaha.


I think it would go over better than me starting a Neet Section.

but I DO like having a Neet Blog which is very Alt Right!

like women will tell you that college and career is more important than a rel, and encourage people to break up just because theyre YOUNG and those early relships NEVER work out, you have a chance for a great FUTURE by getting into a Top 50 school, so just break up with so and so even though u luv them. bullshit advice like that.

women are so BLUE PILL on things like college. they were encouraging another woman who had left a 45k a year job so she could go back to COLLEGE and become a TEACHER. holy SHIT.  thats exactly the kind of bad advice women give. because you’ll be so glad you got your teaching degree and now make 20k a year with part time sub jobs and no health care. babysitting feral black chirren.

not a lot of commentary right now. but i want more people to say yeah she is really an ice cold bitch, not “it doesnt matter, youre not entitled to anything.” no, of course he’s not, but IT WOULD BE NICE if she could DIGNIFY A 3 YEAR RELSHIP by not meeting these sleazy new friends, staying up till 6 am, going on tinder right in front of him. show some COURTESY for the HEART you are breaking and the Long Term Relationship you are Single Handedly Ending, I would tell her.

dont tell him “its over, get over it.”

yes of COURSE he should go no contact but give him some moral support at least. damn. judge her behavior as shitty and sleazy!!!!!!! judge her as the bad guy here!!!!!! because she is!!!!!!!!!!!

now i dont talk too much shit about That Woman. Sometimes sure. but not overall. most of this is just me grieving and moaning and whining. but i can’t say what a shitty person she was…….because she wasnt. she was honestly a good decent wholesome person who just dropped the ball here and disappointed me greatly. but it wasnt because she was a shitty, horrible person. she just fight or flight and shut down. she could be a great wife and mother to a different man.

ok i turned off the tv and am listening to beethovens 1st symphony. not sure why. just wanted some classical music symphony fast. something that wasnt too jooish. and that is a symphony.

she doesnt NEED to consider your feelings. again, technically correct, but to tell the guy that…..that is weak womanly advice. no, she doesnt need to, but she SHOULD, after 2-3 YEARS, show him some god damn COMMON COURTESY.


she wants to be just friends, he thinks he needs to go no contact and cant do just friends because she broke up with him and he still wants her. he sees her at bar, is drunk, gets emotional, now he’s the bad guy. come on. meanwhile she’s tweeting about fooking strangers off tinder. god damn. so he’s supposed to be cool with the love of his life dumping him and fooking randos. and hes the bad guy for getting upset once. come on.

COMMON COURTESY from the woman is a reasonable expectation. not tweeting about EVIL DEGENERATE NIHILISTIC SOCIOPATHIC casual secs and being a filthy, degenerate whore. he has every right to be upset. yes he should go no contact.

so yeah. whatever happened to common courtesy. human decency. early termination fee. treat the person youre dumping with respect and kindness because THIS HURTS THEM.

casual secs IS unqualifiably degenerate, and she wants to throw away something good and wholesome, to do degenerate filth. of course he has a right to be upset.

at the very least she shouldn’t be pushing him to be friends, to understand that he is hurt, and needs no contact.

what did SHE do when Chad dumped her? probably some really shameful things trying to get chad back! and then fooked a bunch of casuals when chad laughed in her face!

now she’s pissed at the guy SHE dumped because he’s having a hard time with it? what a fookin coont!!!!!

and when this bitch on reddit says yeah you did act like an asshole, he responded with yeah i know i feel so bad about it, i know i should apologize to her etc etc. i downvoted the bitch hahaha.

common courtesy. human decency. part of the social contract of having a relship is NOT BEING A PIECE OF SHIT WHEN YOU END THE REL.


so many women didnt get that memo. too immature.

and i dont care if i am making a should statement. THIS SHOULD BE A SHOULD STATEMENT!!!!!






now that is the type of lecturing i can support!

i would be a great lecturer. sermonizer.

oh but they broke up 4 months ago so everybody should be KEWL, thats plenty of time to get comfortable with the love of your life dumping you, without willing to work on it, and fook randoms, and youre the bad guy to get upset at that and not want to be her platonic friend and hear about her degen secs life. god damn fooking degenerates. i am this close to private messaging the guy and telling him he is totally in the right and not to listen to that bitch that said “he definitely fooked up”. fook that bitch!


you HAVE to include the Ending Terms in their too.


so yeah it IS her concern, it IS her business. if she can end it on her whim, then she has to put forth good faith, good will, and effort to do the WORK necessary to end it at her whim. and that involves human decency, common courtesy, and not being a piece of shit. wow. i guess if you ask for that, then you are the bad guy.

you’re the bad guy if you think casual secs is degenerate and bad and a terrible way to finish off a beautiful LTR.

cuz its all the same, theres no good or bad or right or wrong.

and this is 30 year old people with professional careers, level 2 and above making 60k a year, saying all this disgusting shit.


and she has NO IDEA why the guy is upset! unbelievable! a 29 year old woman with the maturity of a 12 year old and she makes more money than i ever will!!!! unbelieveable!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11



how can all these WOMEN not even BEGIN to understand that????!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

no not all women. but a good 50% of them hahahahaha.

half of them are in this basket of deplorables hahahahahaha

its amazing you have to shout these Things I Learned In Kindergarten to Grown Fooking Women.

well remember its not all women. only HALF of women, hahaha.

oh but the ending isnt part of the relationship, these sneaky little j’s claim. i dont have ANY responsibilities the second i say “im done” and walk out.

that is an extremely JOOISH view of humanity and human relations. all these sneaky little loopholes, just like a joo trying to joo you out of service. sorry goy thats not in the contract. here’s the thing, there is no real contract. no exchanges, no refunds, no service, thanks for the money, chump!

theyve turned our women into sneaky little joos!!!!!!

i dont want to talk to women, i dont want to read womens stupid thoughts. the only time i will listen to a woman is if she is being NICE and PLEASANT. women CAN be good at that when they want to be. having just utterly harmless, charming, nice small talk, just being damn NICE. its really not that hard. doesnt take a lot of effort, energy, or creativity. just be nice. dont be an annoying, unscrupulous joo.

sept 2016: i keep hearing hearsay that millennial woes got a ladyfriend and that it is makign him more confident and masculine. I HOPE SO!!! GOOD FOR YOU LAD!!!!!!

I luv MW but havent listened to him lately cuz i dont luv the hangouts. anyway i would be VERY happy if he got a nondegen waifu, he DESERVES a good waifu, and indeed it would help him become an even better man… waifus can potentially do. shit it would help ME!

sept 16

yeah so i dont care that mw had a gay past, except that it makes him kinda neurotic and despairing and has consequences for his current mental/emo health, but he can certainly mitigate those consequences, and i believe he has done that. now i just hope his gf isnt a degen bitch who dumps him and breaks his heart because that could really set him back. i know. hahahahaha. remember he also fell in luv with a WOMAN before and when she rejected him, that broke his heart for YEARS and that hurt him a LOT. ive been there hahahaha.

i mean yeah this is what i am obsessed with. muh white whale. muh wheelhouse. relships between men and women. period. that is what i should do my career in. period.

so funny. for most normies this is just an accepted part of life. you get a gf and bang and sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesnt, but you just keep going until at age 25 you find someone you could probably marry and then you marry them, have children, and maybe they divorce you in 5-10 years.

but theres no need to study and obsess and analyze because you know you have the tools to be in a serious LTR because you’ve been in them before or you’re in one now!

since i have never been, i just don’t know that i have the Tools. and that is part of my obsession, studying How Women Are, and How Men Are, and the nuts and bolts of communication, problem solving etc.

when REALLY, i probably ALREADY HAVE the Tools i need, i just havent found the right woman. who is willing to let me use those tools hahaha.  because they were never WILLING. they were not OPEN, they just wanted to WALK AWAY. because they Just Werent That Into Me. but it they WERE, then I would have the Tools and the Communication Skills to make it last at least a year!

but yeah these normie women are like ROBOTS. date a guy, fook him, fall in “luv”, get some abortions, fall out of luv, dump him, and IMMEDIATELY start the whole process again with a new guy. it sounds both EXHAUSTING and DISGUSTING. how can you do that? how can people be so interchangeable to you? how can this “closeness” be so casual and meaningless????!!?!?! its NIHILISTIC AND SOCIOPATHIC!!!! and exhausting and disgusting hahaha and grotesque and horrifying, very blackpill.

but maybe IM the fooked up one because i take this shit too SERIOUSLY!!!!! and when i get heartbroken it takes TWO YEARS to get over them! whereas with NORMIES it takes 2 months before they are fooking other degens!

hehehehe i luv muh waifus literally TWELVE TIMES more than normie degen women luv their men!!!!!

but yeah it makes me think that normie degens incl half of women just dont Luv People the same way I do. or at least at much less of an intensity. And when the difference in Degree is Twelvefold, it may as well be a difference in Kind!!!! a different kind of luv!!!!!!!!

and how do you have a real sustainable LTR when you luv them TWELVE TIMES more than they luv you??!?!?!

that gives them absolute power over you and spells IMMINENT DOOM for the rel. period. they WILL leave you and you WILL be devastated for the next 2 years. what a terrible way to LIVE hahahaha.

basically i need to find another WEIRDO whos luv meter is turned way up to 12 in order to have a lasting thing where i dont get dumped because a huge interest mismatch!!!!

heh all this is not productive writing at all. it is pretty much a nonstop circle of Negative Thoughts. and i need to Rip Out negative thoughts and replace them with positive thoughts, by any means necessary.

even at the expense of Truth!

like how i should replace all thoughts of That Woman with This Other Woman I know who is very very nice and wholesome and is getting married soon. just cut and paste. i should also cut and paste with some sort of positive replacement to the negative thoughts that FILL this blog.

powerwalking is good.

well, not ALL of this post is bad!

WHEN I AM MAKING SERMONIZING STATEMENTS LIKE THIS, those are usually pretty good. even the righteous anger ones. there is nothing inherently negative about righteous anger!

despair, however, yes. that is INHERENTLY BAD.

righteous anger good. despair bad.

so, when i am going into despair or other negative realm, then switch it with something positive: thinking of this wholesome woman, statements of righteous anger, powerwalking, or something productive like Job Searching. cranking out the Apps. getting closer to 500-600. how about 550 hahahahahaha.

job apps themselves cause both righteous anger (good) and despair (bad.) i guess the solution there is, once again, maximize the good and minimize the bad.

turn the brain from a negative thought machine, to a negative thought killing machine!!!!!

so here is a remaster of ulvers classic nattens madrigal. i dont usually like remasters and i dont have anything against the intentionally raw production of the original, which is really not that bad………BUT my concern is literally for hearing and ear health. you could literally damage your hearing with this album, even though it is actually very clear in terms of being able to comprehend and ingest the music. and is quite listenable!

but that high end is just so maxed out that it hurts the ear. i feel this 2014 remaster might be a bit more forgiving while jsut as listenable.

its also got demo versions of some of the tracks which is great. the demos sound great EXCEPT they dont have any vocals, and garm was truly a gifted BM singer.

it just sucks thinking that all of your life goals:  getting a good waifu, having children, and having a job to support that family that doesnt drive you to self-destructive madness, that all these goals are out of your reach. the best you can hope for is a 12 dollar an hour deadend job and then you get your outside-of-work satisfaction by smoking MJ, powerwalking, listening to podcasts and music, and dnating to 1488 causes. which are not bad things, well probably the MJ is, but you just cant stop thinking about the nice waifu and the family you want to have, but youre just too old and fooked up to be able to attain that.

ok stop those are despairing thoughts, lets replace them with righteous anger or job seraching or powerwalking or other positive thoughts or actions.

well i just came back from a 4.2 miles powewalk. listened to natt’s alcoholocaust ep 1 which wasnt as good as i expected. its just a mess and i cant even understand the bantz. i mean these are all good guys but still.

garm was 20 years old when they did nattens madrigal damn. now did he actually write the guitar riffs and such? i mean that is pretty important to me hahahaha. or was it that guy haavard who went on to do nothing special afterwards? i am sure garm knows how to handle a guitar, its really not hard, the important thing is having some sense of songwriting skill, which i never really had, and which i am sure he does.

ok i am gonna apply to this health system job, and while doing so, update my cover letter, which will add about 15 minutes or 10 to the apply time, but i have to measure this WORK somehow. because it is important, measureable, billable, measureable, timeable work that I am totally entitled to COUNT.

un fooking believeable. a super huge application, already at 45 minutes, longest ever, doing a phaggy ass personality test and intelligence test, when the internet goes out in the middle of the test. i am actually happy to do intelligence tests to prove that i am intelligent, and if it gives me like a 1 in 10 chance of getting an interview (as opposed to the usual 1 in 25 chance)….but god damn this is frustrating.

had to reboot compt to get internet connected again. i blame windows 10. 77 minutes total. a new record!

ok. assuming 15% of the job application time could be added to calculated how much time it takes to FIND the jobs (ie, going through lists, reading postings, and decided yes i should apply, vs, no way, dont even waste your time), in other words, about 2 minutes for every 13 minute application, ie 15 minutes total; and 1.5 hours spent on each interview (prob a little low tbh; we are including travel time, interview time, and im not sure about prep/study time), for 18.5 interviews, and 418 applications, we are up to  132 hours total for the entire job search. really a little LOW tbh fam. on $1716 worth of time at $13 an hor, although more realistically my price should be more like 12 an hour.

sorry i meant 419 jobs so far. please dont fire me.

so i was listening to the am grey podcast on feminism, and adams waifu said she was disturbed seeing a man and a woman holding hands where the womans hand was on top, and they used that as a powerful symbol that men are passive and not leading anymore.

i thought DAMN, the women I’ve been associated with would just DUMP ME before even GETTING to that point!!!!!

they wouldnt stick around long enough to LET that happen! they would have ALREADY dumped me for being a wimpy passive spineless doormat!

so why are these women not just walking out on these men? wouldn’t they get disgusted the first time they put their hand on top, and say, im done with you, you weak wimp?

that was what i was asking. i have been dumped for MUCH LESS. why are these women staying with these phaggots in the first place?

i cant even remember how i held hands with women, its been like 11 years since i held hands with a woman hahahaha.

saw a profile picture on soundcloud of somebody who photoshopped dat boi into the famous vietnam photo of the running people being napalmed and the little naked girl. dat boi had replaced the naked girl.

ok finally found it


YOURE WELCOME hahahahaha

updated Standard Cover Letter with Sentence explaining Employment Gap. ok there. not much more I can do about that. But I think its a small, maybe larger than small, improvement on something that was already damn good and should be more than enough to get me a 13 an hour job.

ok i swear i wont go lower than 12 an hour hahahaha.  so i guess i am at 12-13 now depending on my mood hahahaha.

good thing SHE is making like 16 an hour!

but i dont know that!

but there’s a 75% chance she is!

ok so what does it MATTER then?

because like i said 100000000000000000 times, i dont like her BEATING me at the game of life!

why not?

because i hate her proving she is BETTER than me.  because it adds INSULT TO INJURY.


because she injured me, now she is insulting me.


see now we are getting into the circular part.

yeah i know THEORETICALLY it doesnt matter.

but IN THE REAL WORLD, it ABSOLUTELY DOES MATTER how much money people make, and how women view men who make less money than they do. they view them as totally worthless and inferior.

i dont view people in those terms. but im not a woman. im not PROGRAMMED to care about status in that way!

i mean as a male i do care about ranking and hierarchy………but not in that same visceral sexual or loving way. i know what peoples status is In The Real World, but I know it has no real bearing on their worth as a person.

but it has VERY REAL BEARING on their worth in the MATING MARKET!!!!!!!!1

and the mating market is VERY important to me because one of my MAIN LIFE GOALS is to find  a good wife and have CHILDREN!!!!!!!!

so thats WHY all this shit MATTERS so much!!!!!!!

i am apparently an abuser because i notice slutty behavior and call sluts sluts. thats what abusers do. nonabusers dont have the word slut in their vocabulary hahahaha.




google do they have a site giving updates on people on intervention. i HATE the bullshit “then they left rehab and relapsed” or “they have been sober since 2011” with no further details cause they do that in the 59th minute. it should be a 2 hour show with the second hour being devoted to the rehab and Recovery experience.

like this one, a 21 year old heroin addict gurl named dallas (dumb name hahaha) from portland. she was insanely cute and looked so good for a homeless gulr who had been shooting heroin for 4 years and sucking dicks and getting fooked by junkies for heroin. i mean she was literally a drug whore. (i hate that word literally but i use it when things are actually literally literal hahaha.) she was super cute even for a gurl that was not so fooked up. and terrible that she was giving up her beautiful body for drugs. it was clear that her Crazy Codependent Mother pushed her to the drugs. the mother was so horrible. “I didnt even think until you told me right now that letting her 14 year old sister hang out with her 21 year old heroin whore older sister might be a bad idea.” and while the rest of the family was rightfully devastated that the girl had become a whore, the mother didnt seem as appalled and devastated by that.

well whats so WRONG and SHAMEFUL abotu being a WHORE? its your body you can do what you want hahahaha.

anyway girl went ot rehab and i am wondering what happened after that. did she go to Cosmetology skool and start making 20 DAH at age 22 hahahaha.  more money than i will ever make.

well that woman may not be a true narcissist, but i am a bit of a Codependent hahahaha. so i have to be on guard for Narcissists cuz they target codependents to get their fix.

am i codependent or is that just Love? it could be just strong love. its definitely stronger than normalfags love. otherwise they wouldnt be like YOU OVER THEM YET? JEEZ IT TAKES YOU A LONG TIME TO GET OVER A BITCH hahahaha.

yeah because luv hurts motherfooker.

well i think i would have been less codependent in this case, if i had just blurted it out a few months sooner, rather than letting the tension build up, and also the stupid fantasy world, which cause me to become more codependent / enmeshed / addicted / obsessed / needy.

114 days NIC, 148 days since TSHTF.  damn that spreadsheet is convenient.

well you can get off heroin and get over being an addict, but i dont think you can ever get over being a whore and letting strangers fook you for drugs.

IM NOT SORRY! I just think there is something SACRED or somewhat sacred about the female womb and I get naturally revulsed and disgusted when it is used in a PROFANE manner!!!!! does that make me SO crazy and old fashioned!!!!! i DONT THINK SO!!!!!!!!!

reproduction is LITERALLY 99/1 more difficult for women than for men……AND WOMEN FORGET THIS!!!! how can you be THAT stupid? men just have to squirt sperm and run away in the night. women have to go through 9 months of physically and emotionally demanding pregnancy, 20 hours of painful labor, 18 years of child raising….just for ONE child. that is WAY more than a 99/1 split, its a 99.9999999999999999999999999/.000000000000000000000001 split, so yeah, it is frustrating when sluts say men and women are all the same and women can fook like men.


with a split like that, it’s much more accurate to say 100/0 than 99/1!

ITS MUCH CLOSER TO 100/0 than 99/1!

THATS why you cant fook like a man! THATS why we treat the womb with sacred reverence and you dont let every achmed and tyrone and chad pound away at it like a punching bag!

heres a great idea. before you fook a guy, how about you hang out and talk abotu your values, and who you are; AND actually go on OKcupid together and take their stupid persoanlity tests and answer some of their stupid questions, because a lot of the questions are actually quite useful and can tell you a lot about a person and their values! you could get into a nice argument about abortion or casual sex or reproductive costs!

this fox new show “outnumbered” is stupid. its 4 women and “ONE LUCKY GUY.” well i dont think the guy is that lucky, to be surrounded by shrill career women, and i also dont think its professional at all when these women were these tight short dresses and theres 4 women showing off their legs.

SURE BLAME THE PATRIARCHY and in some ways i do blame the idiot viewers of fox news for wanting to stare at womens legs, but……i dunno i guess im not normal. i dont care about looking at womens bodies on tv. how about Pants Suits, or Long Skirts? i just think showing off your legs like that makes you look like a SLUT, not an intelligent commentator. it decreases credibility ihmo. do the nascar gun nuts really want to see purty gurls at ALL TIMES? or if they hate women, wouldnt they say get these wimmin off muh fox news? do THEY think these sluts are credible purveyors of news and commentary?

i say, if you want a show with women, make sure they are all above 45, and wear modest clothing.

some NRx commenter had the awesome idea, that if women want careers, have them have and raise children FIRST, then go into their careers. rather than career first, then children.

i thought this was brilliant. why not children first, THEN career? once your 3 or more children are all over 18, take your masters degree and get a masters degree entry level job at age 45 or so, assuming you have your third white child at age 25 hahahaha.  thats pretty generous i think hahahahaha lololololololol.

course i hate to think what laurie penny would say about all this. shit i think she is gonna become an increasingly shrill voice in the US. shes already huge in the UK.

did i link to this yet? an ok female author with a good article on h1b visas and importing cheap tech workers from india to replace americans. this happens i can assure you.

at my low level tech jobs we were all americans because callers didnt like talking to indians on the phone.

but on the floor above us there was a software/programming department of a bank, and they were ALL INDIANS. like fresh off the boat indians speaking indian languages with each other. i am SURE they were h1b types. i should have talked to them about it. i dont hate THEM, i hate the american plutocrat SELLOUTS who are shitcanning american developers to hire these h1b types and save like 25 grand a year per person.


Before I would just say muh free market. businesses gotta business. cut costs. business needs. increase revenue, decrease expenses.

but now i say fook that!

you can be Right Wing and anti global capitalism!

that is a very comforting thought!

anyway basically my office were not important enough to be h1b’d.

the h1b’s make like 50 grand a year to replace americans making 75 grand a year.

needless to say, 50 grand was WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY Above OUR pay grade!

you couldn’t GET h1b’s to do our job! you just straight up outsource us to india directly to indians without CS degrees hahaha. like i say our company already DID that but got SO MUCH “pushback” from the internal clients that they ACTUALLY HIRED AMERICANS. that is actually amazing, i would have liked to see the process of that decision. because our callers complained a lot and had plenty of suggestions, but guess what? no soup for you! because it costs too much to fix it!

it costs too much to have american phone agents!

well i didnt really like being a phone agent anyway hahahaha. i do not want to go back to a CALL CENTER. I already lasted one year. isnt that punishment enough? one year of answering phones and fixing and explaining the confusing shit on each phone call?

i mean shit YEAH it costs AT LEAST FIVE TIMES MORE to have american phone agents! [citation needed] you save like 80% outsourced the level 1 unskilled phone agents, vs saving a mere 30% on Degreed Software Engineers with H1B’s. well but they make almost twice as much. our company probably has 1 accountant or business analyst to figure this out hahahahahaha. no we do. we have phaggots with masters degrees at corporate world headquarters hahaha. i have a Managing Mind and tyr to figure it out, but i was not a manager, i was not privy to the managerial information hahaahaha. just a lowly level 1 phone meat.

basically its not worth it to import an h1b for less than 50 grand a year. dont worry, you wont ever get so high up that your job is threatened by an h1b. by a call center worker who currently lives in india, sure. thats your threat level hahaha.

how about you at least appreciate the fact that you were one of th Great Luvs of My Life, and say damn lets tread carefully here. dont have to luv me back. just appreciate the fact that there is a heart on the line. be careful and gentle with it. dont stomp on in and stab it. apologize for the pain youre causing and wish the person the best.

its just WEIRD and UNNATURAL and WRONG to throw someone out of your life like that. which makes me want to contact her just so she can scream at me and tell me to stop stalking her, if i contact her again shes getting a restraining order. even THAT seems like a more NORMAL and NATURAL ending than THIS.

a BAD ending is worse than NO ending, so therefore, saying NOTHING is the WORST bad ending of all.

the confidence is so gone i feel unable to do any jobs. unable to DO the jobs, unable to get HIRED into any jobs. this shit is BAD. and if i manage to get a job it will be so horrible i will quit.

think is i dont have THAT bad of a work ethic. im SCARED and NERVOUS of the worst case scenario, yet i’ve done a Pretty GOOD job at all jobs ive had! even the last one i did GOOD!


115/149 days

theres a hopeful rumor i like that yung women are not as promiscuous and degenerate as the media makes them out to be. MANY are, but its not the majority. 51% of women are still decent. the “MODE” of sex partners is at 1 or 2. decent low numbers. MODE is the numbers repeated most frequently. so you have most gurls with 1 or 2, but a sizable minority of women with 10, 20, 30, 50, 100 partners skewing the avg. not sure its a bell curve looking graph.

yep just feel underconfident and useless and worthless. cant do anything. not a valuable employee. paying dues is so rough i cant even get past the paying dues part and always quit and struggle to restart paying dues. so ive been paying dues well past the age i should be, and now off track, only young people get promotions, only young people get hired, only young people move up, and im no longer young wawwawawaw. only young men on the move up get women, etc.

theres some truth here, but in this case it behooves me to ignore reality and just keep pressing on, because thinking overly negative thoughts, even if they are realistic, does not help me. pessimistic realism hahahaha. so just avoid and ignore and deny reality hahahaha.

pushing women away by begging

well its one thing if you dont really know them and youre begging for dates or sex and you have no real relationship with the women.

its a TOTALLY DIFFERENT THING if you have some sort of relationship with the woman, friends or lovers. and then you beg them to meet you halfway, but they keep pulling away, leading you to keep begging, leading them to pull further away, and then boom theyre gone and your heart is broken.

and you get sorta resentful, like i shouldnt have to beg you to talk to me, or hang out with me, not be distant to me. we used to be good. what happened?

these stupid geico final countdown commercials might be making me want to listen to other songs by europe hahahaha. their singer seems to have a good voice.

google begging wife

pretty good article with a mildly religious angle which normal adults should not mind.

most of the results were j00ish porno degen with wife begging for c0ck from her black bull, jesus god.

or its a man begging for sex from his wife.

not so much on a man begging a woman to hang out with him and talk with him about tension in their 3 year relationship hahahaha. forget sex.

anyway, if you need to become a born again christian to begin to see the IMPORTANCE of sex…… be it. in the sense of becoming one flesh, one with god, bla bla bla. hey this is way better than degenerate slutting it up, women can fook like men, etc. dont you think?

secs is more than mere fun


being a christian gives you a FAIRLY DECENT prepackaged morality, and is probably the closest mainstream thing to good old fashioned decent morality, so……i cant be against it. i just dont go in for the kissing gods ass and sucking gods d all the time. but its still better than a damn annoying i fookin love science but i think the sexes are socially constructed atheist.

i mean i dont even have a problem with praising god, just the god god god god stuff can get a little tiring hahaha. but again ill take it if thats what it takes to get women to treat their bodies with respect and reverence.

also jealousy. if a woman ever bitches at you for being jealous, say only beta omega cuck bitchbois DONT get jealous, say ok honey u want me to prep your bull for you too??!?!?!! squeeeeeeeee!!!!!!! cuck tiem for cuckboi!!!!!!!!!!

those type of PHAGGOTS DONT get jealous.

also, even more importantly: MOST women who accuse YOU of being jealous have CERTAINLY gotten jealous as HELL in the past over MEN who they suspected, perhaps rightfully, of being interested in other women.

just smirk at them and say, like you never got jealous over a man before cupcake. come on.

becuase they most certainly have.


also when you bang sluts, tell them when you leave they’ll never see you again. gotta laern them a lesson for giving it up to a man you dont even know. BONUS POINTS if the gurl is a single mother with deadbeat baby daddy. then remind them thats why their bastard brat doesnt have a daddy. and if i got ya preggers now, you’ll just have another bastard brat without a daddy. shoulda vetted your sex partners! SEE YA WOULDNT WANNA BE YA!

leftists honestly believe that being a racist makes you a HORRIBLE PERSON, a BIGOT. they are in fact more intolerant and judgmental than the bigot.

i was privy to a middle class successful leftist (the worst kind because their material success “justifies” them in  maintaining and even doubling down on their crazy worldview!) and a more normal guy arguing over whether a third guy was actually a “horrible person” or not. i didnt think he was a horrible person, he’s just sad, pathetic, and annoying. i feel sorry for him. i dont want to become like him but i am headed that way hahahaha. 50 years old, divorced, drinks too much, extreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeemely overbearing and annoying in social situations, possibly laid off, but with a semi professional degree, and prob impossible to start over again at this age, terrible rels with women, strained rels with kids, terrible rel with ex wife. and of COURSHE he is politically conservative and has some race realist opinions. because hes a HORRIBLE PERSON, a BIGOT.

meanwhile i think he is at heart a decent person, but has had a very UNFORTUNATE life, which has produced this sad, pitiful trainwreck of a broken man, and i sympathize with that and dont think hes a horrible person. but to the successful antiracist leftist, theres nothing that can be argued to defend the Horrible Person racist. because being a Racist is THE surest way to be judged a Horrible Person.

its also unfortunate that this other guy is a leftist because he is very smart and a good arguer and we need more people like that on the right. but if he hasnt started to come over by age 28 or so, he never will. especially as he moves UP in his career and makes even MORE money and power and respect. those things usually embolden you that what you’re doing and thinking are the CORRECT things. like what im doing works and has served me very well. im on the correct path. youre a rightist racist because you made horrible choices in life and became a horrible person. i am an antiracist progressive moving society forward because i made great choices in life and became an awesome person.

google begging gurlfran to communicate

yes i know she wasnt my gf, but she wasnt my wife either ahhaha

much of it leads to b8 for b8as who got dumped and want to Win Her Back. make her Change Her Mind. nope. gr8 b8 m8 hahahaha.

well im not as bad as this guy thank god. hahaha.

good old relship talk. search begging, search blocking on fb, needy, clingy, begging, theyve got it all.

If you 100 percent accepted your lack of control over the other person’s intention and 100 percent accepted that you can’t resolve anything when one person is closed, then you can take loving action in your own behalf. The healthy action you can take is to say, “We seem to be stuck in our communication right now. Let’s try it again in half an hour.” Notice you are not accusing the other person of being closed, which would be a form of control. You are merely stating that you are stuck.

The challenge now is to keep your heart open so that when the other person is open, you are too. This means that you walk away with compassion for yourself, rather than with anger at the other person and tend inside to any sadness or heartache over the lack of connection with the other person.

If the other person never opens, then you need to accept that there is no way of resolving anything with that person and you need to open to learning about how to take loving care of yourself in the face of that truth.    ”

lets try it again in one month. no? two months. no? 4 months. no? 8 months. no?

them with their god damn 30 minute privilege hahahaha. yeah well she neer opened. except to other guys, very quickly and easily hahahahahahah no i never knew that for a fact but who knows what shes doing not.

no contact is not for getting THEM back, its for getting YOURSELF back.

i begged but i actually didnt beg as bad i could have. i sent 4 fookin emails over a month. not too bad. not bombarding her with 10 texts a day: please respond please respond.

i kinda begged but i didnt overdo the begging. i gave her more than enough time to cool down and she never came back. of course my heart is broken every day and i cant stop thinking about it, and i am tempted to contact her every day……but i dont do it!!!!!!!

so i guess that is good!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

just sad that something that was once so good ended so badly and we became strangers to each other. and i certainly didnt want that.

well yeah i dunno. i hate this shit that says you must have a perfect complete life before you can have a healthy rel with someone. why cant you have a simply ok mediocre average life but also a good person would improve it.

” I thought a text was the worst possible way to break up. Ghosting makes a text break-up seem compassionate. ” going thru the ny slimes comments on the “ghosting” artcile

i never said anything like “i couldnt live without you” or “if you leave me, ill K myself” hahahaha. i told her she was very important to me and she meant a lot to me.

see things were getting worse and worse. its not like things were good and then she disappeared. they were BAD and then she disappeared.

maybe she was scared i would blow up! she saw that i was CRAZY!!!!!!

reading the goddam comments again hahaha

well of course i AM a litte crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but i swear i never abused her!!!!!! god damn!!!!!!

and even if i am a little crazy i think i deserve a TEXT at least!!!!!

also doesnt the person blow up ANYWAY when you Ghost them? probably! i blew up. but again not in an abusive to her way. i was just begging for a response.

also i simply dont like HER thinking i am abusive and manipulating. because she was creeped out by the tone of my email. damn just tell me that.

again all this could have been curtailed if i had just blurted it out earlier. then she never could accuse me of hiding shit.,_Alabama

i found the first hilariously biased wikipedia article on a topic no one cares enough about to edit or even read. if you go to this link please do not change what it says about the golf course in this town:

” Golf[edit]
Anderson hosts Anderson Creek Golf Club an 18 hole course designed by James Bullard & Bob Ingrum and built in 1992. This course is absolutely terrible. The tee boxes are harder than a rock and the greens usually have small weeds all over them. This is the perfect place to play golf and get drunk while doing so. Getting drunk may be the only way you would enjoy playing this course.”

somebody whos ip address you can see really has a vendetta against this golf course hahaha. 7 days ago another wikier reverted to a previous version, taking out a similar criticism. THEN the person came back and basically retyped it, and as of right now, the Killjoy has not spotted it yet.


great comment from one man’s chorus: ” The sex organs have a procreative function. Pleasure is a by-product of procreation, not an end in itself. Once people start treating sex as an end in itself, they are led into all sorts of perversions. If sex with animals gives them pleasure, they’ll do it.”


just because there IS pleasure involved doesnt mean pleasure is the main reason, OR even a GOOD reason to have secs!!!!!!!!!!!! its a BY PRODUCT!!!!!!! essentially the pleasure is what MAKES US do something that is essential to our survival as a species. and people cant help but notice this pleasure. but then they get it twisteed.

another quote from the comments:

”  Dennis Stanton 1 hour ago
If two immoral people consent to an act, does that make it a moral one? What we have on our hands is a bastardization of morality. That’s it, is it? If two people agree on something, it cannot be immoral, right?   ”

i was watching the very sentimental movie fried green tomatoes and could not believe how beautiful mary lousie parker was in 1991! she went on to do the show weeds which i never watched. anyway she was 27 in the movie and looked good enough to commit to monogamously even though 27 sounds old for a woman. for her, it really wasnt.

anyway the lefts idea of being intellectual and progressive is to have philosophical debates on the ethics of bestiality and how with your phd in marxist philosophy you can justify all kinds of moral ABOMINATIONS like bestiality or abortion or cheating or abandoning or abusing hahahaha.

i will be shocked the day they try to morally defend raep. well you know they WOULD morally defend raep against men. thats punching up not  punching down.

i suppose if the animal Resists or Scurries away when you try to fook it, thats its way of refusing consent.

whatever happened to vigrous and enthusiastic consent every step of the way? where you have the gurl sign and notarize a damn consent contract every step away so you know she’s not saying yes but really means no?

or where she feels coerced or guilt tripped or isnt really into it but she doesnt say no because shes anxious you will abuse her even though you never have. you have to read the gurls mind to know that she REALLY wants every second of it.

i dunno. if its really this bad then all men should be getting accused of raep every time. but because we live in a raep culture, women are too SCARED to accuse men hehehehe.

so is bad awkward sex raep then? because you didnt love every second of it?

hehe the 2 times i had secs in my life well it was plenty awkward but the gurl CLEARLY wanted it; shit she wanted it more than I did! i felt COERCED! so does that mean i was RAEPD hahahaha. well also she was tipsy and I was probably tipsy too. but she was drunker than me i’m sure. so then she couldnt give consent? well she was really hot to trot, there was NO DOUBT that she wanted it. well what if she stopped wanting it halfway through, probably because i was incompetent and small dicked? i dunno i didnt get that impression either. however i was so nervous and self conscious that i didnt even FINISH but faked like i did hahahahaha she didnt seen to notice. next time was “better” and I was less nervous and i did FINISH. at that point i was like shit yeah i could get USED to THIS!1!!!!!! and that was the last time i ever had proper secs in my life, 11 years ago hahahahaha.

see when my most important rel with a woman ends in this way, it makes me think there is something crazy buried deep in me that will scare all women away once they uncover it. because no one shows off that they are crazy. they hide it, then it comes out in 6 months, 1 year, 2 years.

another qute from MW viewer:

Karl Timmerman 43 minutes ago
Bestiality is wrong because sex purely for pleasure is wrong. [well….that and mainly because it is an abomination! and morally worse that pleasure-sex with a human!] Civilization is built on sex. Sex is probably the most unselfish act one can do because it creates another life. If there is any spark of divinity or power in human existence, it is in that power to create life as it literally changes our world. Every hero, every villain, every man and woman was created via sex. It must be treated with respect because by engaging in it with anyone but a mate we respect enough to make a family with, we turn it from an unselfish thing to a selfish thing and degrade it and ourselves in the process. This is why religion is so picky about what happens the bedroom, the casual disregard of sexuality can end civilization, and why anything that is sexual outside of love AND procreation is a perversion / abomination.

This applies to homosexuality too, but that is another matter. There are more material reasons to avoid it too, like diseases and such, but the more potent arguments are always philosophical. If man is mere material, then we live in a nihilistic world and some would argue that it doesn’t matter. But if man is only material, only man is capable of investing acts with dignity and purpose and should not degrade himself. If man has a spark of the divine, then that spark should be strengthened and not degraded or extinguished. Man should act in the interest of life and expanding life.
Show less ”

see i use these same arguments against casual sex, ie pleasure sex. chill hangouts. netflix and chill.

anyway i hate to think that in the first email i sent there was some kind of code or thinly-veiled thing that i was trying to Psychologically Manipulate her, and that i was crazy.

well…..again. the response to that is, she had all the POWER, and i was BEGGING her. essentially begging for some of that power back. please talk to me. please listen to me. this is not psychological manipulation! if i said, talk to me or i’ll K myself, well, that would be a little different. and if i didnt say that to HER, the luv of my life, then i prob wont say it to anyone thank god.

as of 2015 ginger baker is still alive at age 75 or 76. i thought he was dead. anyway im glad he’s not dead in that he is a very skilled drummer. but almost certainly a degenerate irl. i honestly didnt know if he was dead or alive, thought he was dead.

ANYWAY. the bestiality, the casual sex, i wonder if real average people are THIS degen. my only hope is no. and certainly the people i choose to associate with are not! i just dont associate with a lot of people and am in kind of an antisocial phase. the normies i used to work with prob didnt care for casual sex. most people had monog rels. or were single momz hahaha.

i really dont trust single momz. That Person was raised by a single mom ……. but i had met the single mom and she actually pleasantly surprised me. she seemed like a decent person. maybe she just chose bad men. and that is what her daughter does too.

its sad. i know she is capable of loving and being a good gf. cuz i had seen her do it with other guys. but to me she was bad. makes me think its something about me not her.

well we BOTH have our issues. we are BOTH a little crazy.

i am just so worried that i am An Abuser and i dont even know it. and thats why women all dump me.

but yeah i was shocked by my closest female rel to discover something about me that made her recoil in horror and disgust and hatred. makes me think something is fundamentally broken in me which cant be fixed and will drive all other women away too.

well normally i got dumped “amicably” because the women just didnt want a rel with me, they just wanted CASUAL DATING.

and with my long term female friends, we just faded away, drifted apart amicably, as people do sometimes when theres super long distance. if we still lived int he same town, we would prob still hang out….or i might eventually fall in luv with them too hahaha.

shit i am getting tired hahaha.




yeah i think i am starting to move on thank god, over a month later. i mean i am not out of the woods at all. as i say, this is no better than 6% recovery. 6 percent in like 37 days. equals 100 percent in….. draw the two fractions and solve for x….using wolfram alpha to do this fairly quickly…. 617 days????? are you fooking KIDDING me???

almost TWO YEARS? to get over this bullshit?

maybe. the internet agrees, or at least the normal well adjusted normalfags of the internet agree, that Ghosting is a veyr painful way of getting dumped.

i do feel a bit vindicated after reading about that ghosting.

the media writes about it because of charlize theron. i think in THAT case, the Ghosting was Atrocious. she is a grown ass 40 year old woman who should know better; she was dating sean penn for a while in terms of hollywood things, at least 6 months, and ghosting is only acceptable for Perfect Strangers and Less Than 3 Dates; which they were not. So the articles should be slamming charlize for being a huge immature B and treating him with such disrespect.

thats what it all boils down to: you show the person NO RESPECT AT ALL. it HURTS to be DISRESPECTED in such a way, when you are not used to receiving such extreme disrespect from others, especially those who once respected you. it just doesnt add up.

i didn’t ABUSE her. I just pushed her to communicate, because there was an elephant in the room that any mature adult would agree needed to be communicated about.

but i was abusive and toxic because i pushed in the wrong way, or too hard, or in a toxic way. i was communicating wrong about wanting to communicate. jesus christ.

ok redoing that wolfram thing. say i am SEVEN percent Over It, then to get to 100 percent would only be… 529 days. ok little better. you see what a difference 1 percent makes! its at a very quickly changing region of the graph.

6 % ….. 617 days

7 % …. 529 days. uhhh expect to be over it end of december 2016. nice.

8 % …. 463 days

9 %…. 411 days

10%….370 days.

well wait. how do i make it a god damn straight line. i am getting a curved line. i want a straight line. i want to know it takes x days to Get Over It Y percent. consistently.

so, 6 percent in 37 days is approx 1 percent in 6 days. therefore, 100 percent in 600 days.


well, THAT graph IS curved because each situation represents a different RATE OF CHANGE. what the rate of change DEPENDS on is whether i am at 6 percent or 7 percent etc right now! So that is really an important decision to make!

welp, in that time i could probably start and finish HVAC training skool, although probably not find a job as well hahaha.

i kind of think that is what GOD is calling me to, sort of, and all this is another signal.

hahahaha I wish GOD communicated DIRECTLY using actual words, rather than using stupid SIGNALS like a COWARDLY IMMATURE WOMAN.


i have a very adversarial, not very friendly relationship with GOD. I resent his absolutely control over my immortal soul. I wish he were a better GOD hahahaha.

why, because i want to jerk off, and have premarital secs, and use birth control, and permit end of life cancer euthanasia, and have the option of abortion maybe be legal?

well yes because its ALL a slippery slope towards degeneracy, immorality, evil, and damnation! all a slippery slope away from GOD!

this article and series of articles was very instructive for me recently, cant remember if i posted them here, but they are valuable enough to be posted again and again.

a young man who found college only Set Him Up For Failure, because he naively didnt get a STEM degree, so his story has lots of paralells to mine. so after he graduated and couldnt find a job, he became an HVAC man and makes more than he would in an Entry Level Job with a Useless Degree.

he tells the stories of 3 or 4 of his peers, how they are in a similar boat, and how they are struggling in very sad ways, to become adults, throughout their entire 20s, and will more than likely become manchild failures, terminally underemployed or unemployed, in Toxic Relationships with Shitty Women, at best, and terminally forveralone at worst.

great set of articles. another sign from GOD for me.

top one is the first artcile, talk about his own story. here are the ones where he talks about his friends stories:

the mystic, a college dropout loser who got into buddhism in the worst possible way, to become a depressed nihilist loser and completely aimless

the gamer, another college dropout who smokes weed all the time and is content doing that and working as a waiter

the emt, another college dropout who is probably the most successful of the 3, got emt training, got a steady emt job, got a gurlfran, but the gurlfran sucks and he is still too beta to demand respect and demand a better woman. but at least he is much more gainfully employed than the other two college dropouts.  almost as gainfully employed as the college graduate in a trade skool job hahahaha.

lesson learned, dont go to college, go to trade skool. if you do go to college, do a stem degree, focus on your post graduation JOB ASAP, like RIGHT AWAY, like First Year or earlier, so you can get into it IMMEDIATELY after graduating, and do NOT get sucked into college debauchery or degeneracy.

well, if you’re a man, and you are able to pull Easy College Pvssy, i say go ahead, to build your confidence by banging many young beautiful women.

but that’s risky because you may get your heart broken by Flaky Gurls who just want sex, as happened to several of the guys in these stories.

definitely dont drink and party too much because it will hurt your mind and sidetrack your focus on your Career.

i mean you have to be Career Oriented from DAY ZERO if you are gonna go to college……. which is pushed on 100% of Smart Kids in high school.

great set of stories, related a lot with them, thought about getting in contact with the author, best set of articles ive read all year. read them, save them, print them out and give them to your children, if you can ever be gainfully employed and meet a good enough woman to HAVE children. or god isnt calling you to be a childless ascetic beggar virgin hahahaha.

anyway the slant of the website is pretty rightist and even somewhat racialist, so that makes it a far-right neo-nazi site, which may lessen its credibility to Moderates. but this set of stories doesnt get too much into Race i assure you!

i dont see a problem with talking about Race anyway. this is all part of eric holders brave conversation about race hahahaha. also the news says that RACE is like the number ONE or TWO topic in the presidential campaign. race IS a big deal, elephant in the room.

a less scary way of framing it, for whites afraid to talk or think about race lest they get on the sippery slope to becoming an evil closed minded stupid ignorant racist redneck bigot hater antisemite homophobe, is to think about “multiculturalism” and think about has the Melting Pot Experiment really worked out for the best in the past 60 years or so?

i told you i was a racist hahaha dont you read the about page. but i dont turn nonwhites away. i respect that there are nonwhites who are also depressed anxious lazy losers who need help and moral support. you are more than welcome to get that from me. because of course we are all members of the human race.

besides, race is talked about all the time in college classes. always in a marxist antiwhite way, but just saying. we talk and think about race every damn day, get used to it. im just tired of all the white privilege talk and decided to go a different way. because im white and my white privilege was not enough to lift me out of loserness hahahaha. just like all the other white pro-whites. you find this same inferiority complex among all white pro-whites hahahaha. they are trying to compensate for their own personal failures at life hahahaha.

no thats the argument you always hear. and as someone who is a personal failure, it does hit a nerve! maybe the evil marxists are RIGHT!


aug 19

yeah buddy. ok working on a 1.9 mile walkjog route in comparison to the usual 1.4 mile. i want something a little longer. 2.5 would be ideal. i have found a 2.2 mile thing but theres a lot of big noisy roads and i want to minimize that. trying to come up with a Hateful Mix of Hateful, Nihilistic Music. i think is actually the most helpful.

and classical and jazz. find the local classical and jazz station and listen to it all you can.

i am starting a What To Say During Interview File. I have another one buried somewhere in my 100000000s of files but i need a new one. i dont even know if i could FIND that old one. but just anything i can say during an interview.


answers to all possible interview questions
talking points
sound bites
longer sound bites
specific examples of bla bla bla
weaknesses i overcame
challenges i overcame
how i grew
how i learned from mistakes
first principles
last principles
tell us about yourself
elevator speech
tell us about a time when
what is your idea of good customer service
problem solving style
examples of….
weird interesting things
detailed stories of complex ridic cases/issues
detailed stories of when i dug deep like a boss
i wish i had saved those hahahaha.
how do you quickly assimilate an overwhelming amount of confusing information
how do you deal with constant overwhelming confusion and ambiguity
asking leading questions
being a detective
talking them down from the ledge
paint a picture with your documentation
knowing where to look
knowing who to ask
knowing company policies
knowing company hierarchy structure
etc etc

that is the starting point. then i need to rack my brain and remember those stories. basically remember my toughest and or best calls and tell detailed stories about how i handled complex confusing stuff like a BOSS where a lesser agent would have totally shat the bed.

what did i learn lately re woman2015. that whenever i “reach out” to her via email and try to get things off my chest, what i REALLY want, is to beg her to come back. and i can’t keep doing that! but i didn’t fully learn that until i sent the email yesterday. so it was valuable for teaching me that valuable lesson.

and YES i was VERY honest about that desire in Email #2, where I Blatantly BEGGED, “could you ever have feelings for me? could this ever work out? I could wait for you for a better time.” man i laid it out there SHAMELESSLY. so i did not hide that feeling at all. and got no response to that, so that was my answer.

then i came back three weeks later with email3, saying ok i fully accept we will never be together (i was talking desperation there, because i really do NO fully accept, i still want her), but about 80% of the email was pretty solid and good and reasonable. saying i wanted good closure rather than bad closure, saying i wanted to be treated with respect rather than a piece of shit. that’s a valid, decent thing to want, so i certainly dont regret sending the email.

and it also taught me the important lesson though: that i do NOT accept that its over, and any email i send going forward would be a bad idea.

but when there are so many degenerate women out there being totally disgusting animals, its so heartbreaking to meet and connect for 2 years with a young NON degenerate woman, realize she is the perfect mate, then fall in luv, get rejected in a very bad hostile angry disrespectful way, and then just having to move on without this “Perfect Angel” hahahaha.

that is a joke referring to Woman4, aka Woman2005B. she was also a nondegenerate because she was a virginal prude. however i think she might have been an asexual lesbian. woman2015 was definitely not a lesbian and not asexual either. so that kind of makes it harder, so i have less to Blame the Failure on, because its not because shes an asexual lesbian! i know for a fact she is a hetero woman, and i know she is not a super promiscuous degenerate hetero woman, and this is SO HARD to find! I think it’s probably EASIER to find a woman who is Nonpromiscuous and Nondegenerate BECAUSE she is actually Asexual or an Unrealized Lesbian!

i look at smart people i admire on blogs or youtube, and plenty of people are pretty successful, make a lot of money, yet they have the SAME problems with finding a nondegenerate woman; then i think how THEY would also fall in luv with this woman, and have a better chance of pulling her, because they are a much bigger winners, make 20 dollars an hour, are younger, better looking, more confident, better communicators, influence thousands of people on youtube, etc.

like my boy millennial woes,

i mean i am thinking about giving him a one dollar “tip” even though i have no income right now! that is how good he is! i wish i gave to him when i had a job!

great guy, great channel, one of my top youtubers, he is same general age as me, he too has been destroyed by depression and failing at life, he too can’t seem to get a proper job or a decent woman, but he keeps his chin up and creates a ton of very thoughtful intelligent provocative videos, AND he is on the cusp right now of being one of Those Guys that is able to Make Youtube His Career, and it is a very interesting transition. turning your youtube into a business.

often this is connected to you putting your face on the internet and having political views that make you unemployable. but once you start making enough money off youtube and advertising and your ebooks, you can start using your real name.

but this is not easy to do, and i dont know if i’d ever want that to be my career. WELL maybe i would, but i would never want to use my real name.

plus im not willing to clean the blog up. plus youtubes are more marketable than blogs. and i do like youtube and would like to do one, but it would be about as low key as this blog.

but yeah he is coming from a similar place as i am. but he is smarter and more articulate. and he has had more experience with women. i guess when he was young he got around hahaha. but i believe he also knows the pain of true love and heartbreak, and i think he may have been celibate for a very long time during his 20s. not sure about that.

not sure if i am involuntarily celibate or voluntarily celibate. well NOW i am involuntarily, because i found someone i wanted to not be celibate with. and until i get over her, i will be Incel. at that point, I will be VolCel, because i will be celibate, but i won’t really CARE, because i dont want to fook any of these disgusting degenerate pigs.

hehehe. well i kinda wish i had a “booty call” type woman, that might distract me.

thats another difference between men and women, is that women always have a “booty call” GUY they can call during times like this.

fook i just cant believe it didnt work out. i really wished it had. i still want her. it will take forever to get over her. and then it will take forever to get a damn job.

i wish i just had an easy job that i could go to right now while i got over her. kinda like i did last time, with woman2012. but shit i applied for that job ASAP, contacted the manager, and they never called me.

i GUARANTEE that was because they were like, yeah we know he can do this job, but we’re DOING HIM A FAVOR because he is overqualified and too old for this job, and he stayed way too long in the job before. if we hire him back, he’ll stay here till hes 40, and that’s pathetic, he needs to get on with his life and find a real job appropriate to a man of his age.

they have a POINT, but you could also think of it as: just give him this job so he can make SOME money AND keep a GAP from appearing on the res.

yep i will miss the CLOSENESS and INTIMACY and CONNECTION with a young, pretty, nondegenerate gurl, and the soft tenderness.

but women are so gullible and can fall for a Fake Connection SO EASILY!

because thats what pick up artists and alpha males do. they charm the women so fast, because they are good and well practiced at that skill. of immediately making women feel a strong connection, when really there’s not much there. or you simply cannot build a connection that FAST, it takes TIME. it takes MONTHS. 12 months AT LEAST to get the full bloom of the connection Of True Love.

heck when i first met her i was distracted, i didn’t love HER, I thought she’s a nice gurl, we get along really easily, but i am still getting over this other woman, and things would be different if she (woman2015) wasnt dating this guy, and I wasnt getting over woman2012, but right now i will accept the face value of meeting a nice friendly person where we can talk and get along easily, but i dont feel like getting too close to ANYONE right now.

and that sentiment continued for a while, and i slowly unfroze, until 2 years later, i was over woman2012, and thinking more and more about woman2015, and she broke up with the boifran, and started dating some loser guy, and BAM, the conditions were perfect storm, to change my feelings into something different and stronger.

so my sin is the same as the sin of adam and eve: i say yeah i like some of the stuff you’re saying GOD but not all of it, thanks for creating us and stuff and giving us some good rules, but we also wanna kinda do it our own way on these other things. i guess that is pride, or thinking you are SMARTER than GOD.

this is the criticism levied against people like me, who prefer to be more “spiritual” and less “religious.”

i can see the point! but i really dont like those “little” things.

i guess the point is, everythings a slippery slope. if you allow euthanasia but don’t allow abortion for example, it’s just a matter of time before you begin allowing abortion. because you say i am smarter than GOD, i know when best to take a life, its ok to take a life under THESE conditions, and then over time, you slip down the slope and begin adding more and more conditions to the list, in which its ok for one person to end the life of another!!!!

well I would never do that! I would stay consistent over MY life, of being for euthanasia but against abortion!

until I get a girl preggers and we decide to have an abortion because I only make 10 grand a year!!!!!

or i would feel better about getting an abortion with some filthy degenerate i did not luv, vs a gurl i actually DID luv, and WOULD like to have kids with someday?

well i dunno about that.

everybody has something good about them. even rapists and murderers and cheaters and molesters have a tiny shred of goodness in them. so all these “filthy degenerate whores” are not necessary evil horrible people. they just do horrible things, and they’ve done too MANY horrible things for me to feel luv for them.

the horrible degenerate things they’ve done, all those strange, fun, hedonistic, ultimately disappointing cox theyve taken, may not even be their FAULT because they’re being Brainwashed! they dont really HAVE the free will to CHOOSE!

and i say that is irrelevant to me loving them. the damage is already done, the baggage is THERE whether they freely chose it or not.

so its tragic to LOSE a GOOD woman who was not brainwashed in that way, to become a degenerate!

ok time for a 2.2 miler here.


aug 18

shit, just destroyed again, but a beautiful day, want to get out there soon.

the worst is getting images of her face, her body, worst of all, images of her sucking dick or getting fooked. i pray to GOD to erase these images from my mind, to erase her from my mind.

sending that email was a mixed bag. pros and cons. it brings me up from rock bottom briefly but then 1 day later i am right back. at root is is just a way to desperate beg for her back, to say please change your mind, even though i say “i accept fully that its over.” nope just words. because i want her, want to be with her forever, can’t accept her going out and sucking dick and being done with me.

so shes thinking “UGH why cant he just let it go, he obviously doesnt accept that its over.”

well thats cuz i had actual feelings for her, she didn’t have them for me, so OF COURSE its easier for HER to accept! she’s HURTING way less! i got HURT 900000000000 times more. I am not burned into HER memory! she’s already forgotten about me, and just says UGH when she sees another email from me!

is it REALLY for my benefit only? of course not, deep down i WANT her to read it, i WANT her to respond, i WANT us to communicate, and i WANT to manipulate her into Dating Me!

I do/did have a deep abiding nonphysical Gods Love for her, but i ALSO have a very sensual physical sexual attraction to her, and THAT is actually more painful at this time: like the memories of her body, her face, her eyes, her face getting fooked by other guys and her LOVING it more than she ever liked me. that really hurts. drives me nutz.

i feel incapable of doing ANY job. like i will read stuff or listen to people and just not comprehend. it is like i have a damn LEARNING DISABILITY. but i didn’t in high school! And I got a decent GPA in college! which even though i had an easy major, i still didn’t find it easy per se!

and recently i would read the technical articles needed to Do My Job and just be like “WHAT THE FOOK. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO DO MY JOB.” and when you ask for clarification, they treat you like an idiot who doesnt know how to read. and even if they are kind enough to treat you like a human being and try to explain it fully, you STILL dont understand it. and you can’t pray enough or jog enough to get your rest at night. always feel like you’re being pushed to your breaking point. forget about Gradually Pushing Beyond Your Comfort Zone. more like Constantly being pushed to the EDGE. big difference.

plus i don’t really have FAITH in GOD. I am still resentful at the very IDEA of such a judgemental and petty god demanding submission. but i go to church to show gratitude to my family, plus it seems like a fitting religion for DESPERATE, WEAK people who are just BEGGING for some sort of relief, and that kind of Humiliated Desperate Beggar I can totally identify with!

but i will always have fundamental Moral Disagreements which make me a Cafeteria Christian, an apostate, heretic, blinded by the deception of Satan, to live my selfish and worldly life. I WANT the worldly life! Give me that womans soft white body! I would have loved to fook her all day and do ridiculous things with her body! and i am jealous, angry, obsessed, and crazy, when all that goes away! It proves i don’t HAVE an abiding Real Love, i wanted to OWN her for myself and no one else, i don’t WANT her to be happy with other people. I want her to be with ME, period.

but i guess this insane pain is NORMAL for the end of a rel. especially if you had Actual Strong Feelings. Maybe it wasn’t True Love, but the feelings were DEF insanely STRONG! thats for sure!

I am against abortion, but what would i do if I got some gurl preggers before i was ready to take care of a child?

Also i am fairly FOR euthanasia at the end of life, to ease the pain of Cancer Patients, that sort of thing, when a person just wants to die to kill the damn pain.

also i dont think jerking off is a mortal sin.

or using contraception.

or premarital secs.

i do think that promiscuous secs, or secs outside of a Committed Monogamous Relationship, is kinda immoral though.

and these Moral Beliefs i’ve held pretty consistently for most of my life.

also i dont have a huge problem with gays.

I mean i dont hate the church per se, and i do beg to GOD to have mercy on me and give me strength, almost every day, and i like some priests, and i go to church to make family happy cuz its the least i can do for them. but i have never been a true strong believer, never had a Loving Relationship with GOD in other words. I try to be a good person but i have those Huge Moral Disagreements listed above. However I do generally agree with Dont Kill, Dont Steal, dont hurt people, don’t cheat on your spouse, etc.

Ive even been staying longer at church because i am so desperate!

But my deepest interest has not been in church or career, but just being in a Committed Monogamous Rel with a Decent Woman. It’s not easy finding good candidates. I found a good candidate and that just fooking blew up recently and totally devastated me worse than i have been in at least 7 years.

i mean shit what if she DID respond. then i would be obsessed with THAT, and trying to push THAT further and further, try to meet with her.

on the other hand, there is something good about meeting with somebody in person, in private, one on one, to have a damn TALK for ONE HOUR. if i had been able to do that ONCE with her, before shit got too bad, maybe they wouldnt have gotten this bad.

but i’m not sure it would do any good now, because now we are POST shit hitting the fan. the horse is way way way out of the barn and is never going back in!

so the talk would probably have more anger and hostility and accusation really. it would possibly be a much more negative, useless talk. talking would do no good now. it might have done some good THEN. so why the hell do I WANT to talk? because I REALLY want to live in a fantasy world. I want to hope against hope, i want the impossible miracle of her being with me.

so rereading the email with that in mind doesn’t make me feel so good about sending the email.

well i mean its not like shes gonna respond anyway. really the worst that i’ve done is that i’ve just set myself back three weeks, when i sent the previous one. but still. even three weeks seems like a lot when every day is ridiculous!!!!

like there was an emotional and moving part where i reminded her of how we had connected, how similar we were, how we had a lot in common. definitely a heartbreaking appeal! but that also kinda shows what i really want: for her to relent and submit to me! for her to say yes i was wrong i luv u too! lets be together forever and live happily ever after! and make out and cuddle and luv each other, and also have mad physical secs regularly!

it’s WORSE than an addiction! you can get over the withdrawals of HEROIN or ALCOHOL in like two weeks tops right? not this! it is INSANE having one person be at the FRONT of your mind for weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks!

i mean, what the fook would i do if she DID respond? then of course i’d want to respond to THAT. and back and forth and so on. she wont respond of course. but WHAT IF hahahahaha. i have been playing what if for the past month, eery day all day.

like if she came back at me with a really bitchy takedown of everythign i said, and how i was totally wrong, and how i am a monster or a just a total piece of shit weakling not worthy of respect, i threw all my respectability down the drain by the way i acted to her. then what. then i would try to rebut that but writing another email saying but but but but. i didn’t MEAN to do x y and z.

well i didn’t really DO a lot. i was just afraid of having a direct conversation and blurting it out. i wanted to meet in private and have an hour to have a heart to heart.

but then, HOW HARD IS THAT???????? She could have done that, we could have talked for ONE HOUR in like november or december, and that would have been a lot better than what actually ended up happening.

very mixed feelings hahahaha.


aug 5 2015

ok got muh 5.6 miles in. that is nice. got to do that every day.

it is weird to fall deeper in luv with someone youve never even made out with, than the average married people luv their spouses.

well my shrink advised me that true love, vs infatuation, takes 12 to 18 months to fully bloom. i can believe that.

well i was friends with the gurl for 2 years and THEN i fell in luv with her hahahaha. so what does that count as. well it certainly feels like luv. i am certainly adding her to the list of bigass heartbreaks! so i dont really care what it is, it is the most powerful feeling in the world! and if that is infatuation, then i dont think i could handle true love! infatuation is more than strong enough!

now, can you have luv WITHOUT infatuation first?

great question!  i would bet the answer is “IT DEPENDS.”

sometimes yes, sometimes no.

with female exfriend, there was no love or infatuation, just a respect and liking and appreciation, then BOOM something happened two years in. that was either infatuation or love. the feels were upgraded and converted.

i just cant believe how wrong everything went. but that was all on me quitting the job. i could have not quit the job and sucked it up like every other normalfag who gets dumped by their coworkers does.

but i was subconsciously looking for a “good excuse” to leave the job, because the job was deadend and sucked so bad.

hahaha i have never been well adjusted or stable or confident enough to hold onto a woman or hold onto a job. good thing i am seeing a shrink and taking meds! i might not be batshit crazy per se but i am severely damaged goods, almost as good hahahahaha.

anyway i am just a little butthurt because i believe i deserved just a LITTLE bit better treatment. jeez the anger and coldness with which she treated me, youd think i rejected HER and broke HER heart!

come on! you cant break MY heart AND be freezing cold to me! one or the other!

of course i am repeating myself. that is always a sign your writing is taking a bad turn.

but yeah in cards terms, i was and am basically ON TILT. when you are on tilt you cannot keep cool, keep calm, think straight, carry on. you act purely out of emotion, fear, and anger, like a cornered animal. yep thats about right. i know that feel man.

but yeah true love is crazy by definition. on tilt.  makes you do crazy stuff like quit your job and fall into the worst derpression of your life. you can understand how it makes other bad people do violent things. thankfully i have enough morality to know that violence is immoral. i was going to say “self control” but that would imply that k’ing the people who reject you is ok, but you just restrain yourself because you dont want to go to jail. hehehehe. no, you also wouldnt want the guilty conscience of k’ing a damn human being weighing on you the rest of your godforsaken life!

anyway. you dont generally HATE somebody because they have feelings for you. usually you get PITY and the gurl says, and i quote: “Awww!? (girly upward inflection) Im sorry I think you’re a really nice guy, but I just dont feel the same way about you. aww. i’m so sorry! lets just be friends!”

because they do that 9000000 times a day, the are experts in it, fully competent hahaha.

they dont turn into Evil Ice Queen giving you angry coldness.

…..unless they are secretly in love with you too, great now i can be In Denial for years and Scheming about how I am going to get her back. jesus christ this is too much. i should go for another 1.4 miler hahahaha clearly.

the writing is going bad again!

it does that REALLY easily. EVERY damn time. be warned. writer beware.

well i am distracting myself with cards, tv, and family as well.

how about you distract yourself with finding a job hahahahahahahahaha.

see i can go through the motions of humor. not good humor. subpar humor that wont make you friends, make you likeable, sure as hell wont win you semi attractive women.

i have to specify attractive women. the female exfriend who dumped me was not ugly at all, i was very attracted to her and would have had fun doing physical things with her all night. 1000 times.

i dont mean to discriminate against unattractive people. i’m simply saying that you need to find someone attractive in order to be physically attracted to them. or, you will not have any fun making out or cuddling or having secs with someone you do not find attractive. you will be repulsed by these physical actvities with an unattractive person.

i mean i am not super attractive myself but i am not horribly ugly. i have pull attractive women in the past. very briefly. maybe thats what SPOILED me! because i was young and looked better then. i mean i am still not UGLY though. and if i keep up this ridiculous jogging i might lose weight which would make me more attractive.

aug 6

slept a little better than i have been but still not feeling good. had dream featuring the woman. she was at least being nice to me and hanging out with me and i was looking into her pretty eyes damn. then i realized i would never see her again. she never wants to see me, i suppose i would like to see her again, but only if she wants to date me hahahaha. well what if she wanted to hang out with me and have a no strings attached casual secs rel. well then absolutely 100% i couldnt turn that down, but it would also hurt me even more, for sure.

women are either married or happy in their rel, OR in the process of ending something, OR in the process of starting something. I dont know how women either get over the men they truly loved, OR how they develop true love for new men. when you are ALWAYS with someone, even if you are Just Having Secs with them, I dont know how you develop true feelings for anyone, or ever get over the old relationships that did mean something. you really have to be alone, no secs partners, no dating, for like a year at least. and this is absolutely UNHEARD OF for women. but it is pretty common for men. just another way men and women are SO DIFFERENT, and why relationships are like WAR. it is amazing i have ever even had female friends. well it wasnt really THAT difficult when i didnt have FEELINGS for them! the FEELINGS always screw everything up!

might be moving towards acceptance about The End Of The Woman here, and now starting to worry about The Job situation more.

and generally feeling like a messed up person who cannot cope with the demands of Adult Life. this is nothing new, it is has plagued me for many years, kinda was able to ignore it while I was being killed by my job all day, but even then i was still not being a responsible adult with my own independent life, even though i was working full time, but the full time job was taking everything i had so all i did was work and try to rest to survive through the next day of work, then sleep/rest/do nothing on days off. it really was not a good job, which is why my gut feeling is not to go back. let alone the harrowing devastation of the woman will still be there. it would be better if she were gone, possibly tolerable enough for me to make it through another “season”.

hehehe i should have just joined the military when i was 18, that would have fixed me hahaha.

i always thought “depression” was my main problem, but I am starting to see how “anxiety” is also a much bigger problem than I thought it was. thinking it would be Generalized Anxiety Disorder hahahaha. you are just anxious about everything. albeit some things even more. like jobs and women and being a failure who cant cope with life, cant handle life.

see the writing is going down the bad path right now. you can tell, its not hard to tell!

5.6 miles yesterday, how could that not be enough. shit. better go back out there soon.

but yeah as the immediate anxiety and grief about the woman starts to subside (not as much as you would think!) that related to the job starts to increase. maybe it will get to worry about both at once, just flip flop back and forth from one obsessive worry to the other. that would be great. shit i can see that happening.

this is why i beg prayers to GOD for any sort of relief. see how these trials have increased my faith: realizing i am powerless, and then begging for mercy from a supernatural power that defies all reason and when you think about it sounds absolutely stupid and ridiculous hahahaha. that is how desperate you get. i am not sure this is true faith. i dont feel faithful. i am still no more certain that god exists. not sure these experiences have brought me closer to GOD in other words. they have however made me more desperate to beg to GOD for any kind of help however. well some say the desire to know GOD is enough, even if you dont feel like you are getting anywhere.

but yeah feeling like you cant handle life, cant handle jobs, cant handle relationships, does give you a real inferiority complex compared to the normalfags who do their jobs, live independently, get gurlfrans and wives and have secs and have chirren, make money, pay the bills, buy houses and cars, do all that normie shit.


yeah i am the INVENTOR of that word, along with other similarly horrible words containing “cvm” where they normally don’t.

mar 23 sund

yeah lemme just reiterate, thorazine is bad, don’t do thorazine. actually it didn’t do much of anything. i had a search for “alprazolam satanic”, not sure exactly what they were thinking. prob that xanax is a tool of satan. well depending how devout you are, everything is a tool of satan, lord of this world.  everything from coffee to aspirin to tylenol to nyquil to prozac to fentanol to thorazine to Vape Ecigs to Decadent Gluttonous Foodz.

which is a tenable point, and of course even those nutjobs have a logic, and of course Xanax would be a bigger/worse tool of satan than say 1 cigarette, no one’s arguing against that! because it has a measurable impact on your behavior and your will and your thoughts and your decision making.

but doesn’t satan also put the anxiety there in the first place? so xanax might indeed be a tool of god? well the real tool of god is prayer and courage, and xanax is the CRUTCH provided by SATAN as an EASY WAY OUT. stupid f00king religion hehehehehe.

say i as I just got back from Church!

played like 5 hours of Poker yesterday, came out about 5 dollars ahead, thus a win rate of 1 dollar per hour. not bad, as long as it’s a positive number I’m happy. Plus I came out WAY ahead and had some good days recently, like winning 20 dollars in one hour. instead of bad beats, big wins. starting to close the gap of muh losses. don’t worry, you will know when I break even. hopefully I break even! God Willing!

was reading “harrington on holdem” because its the only poker book i have while waiting for “poker for dummies” to arrive. harrington seems like a great guy but the stuff is still imcomprehensible as f00k and I really need it dumbed down more. I still can’t grasp Outs and Hand Odds, however Pot Odds seems relatively straightfwd. yeah its the size of the pot vs how much you have to call to get into it….but how do you work that? is that just preflop? what if you have TERRIBLE cards but good pot odds? what is considered good pot odds? I think if your odds of winning are better than the pot odds, then you call and not fold. or the other way around, hehehe.

well, i find it real hard to turn down pot odds of 4 to 1 even on a sh1tty hand, but it usually does not go above 3.5. also if I don’t feel comfortable calling however much it is, then I fold. Also I think if you get a bad flop on your not so good cards, then that also impacts things. unless you can possibly win on the turn or river, then you need to calculate THOSE odds of hitting those outs, versus the new pot odds.

well, since i have time, of course i am keeping an eye on the bitcoin, esp as it approaches a 3 or 4 month low, meaning, should prob buy right? so watching the graphs and the “trollbox” of people giving their opinions. some say it will crash even lower when china bans btc. or that it will soar to the moon after april 8. really speculative hehehe. i somehow bought a bit recently so I am just gonna wait. if it crashes then I buy some more.

also invested in 1 Litecoin at about 15.50 USD per. used btc-e exchange to buy ltc with btc. just get ONE and see how it performs. remember, like 6 months ago BITCOIN was ALSO at about 15 dollars!

of course, with bitcoin crashing, then i have to WIN MORE at the bitcoin casino in order to make up for the money i have lost only due to the value of btc going down since I bought it!

really won’t go hogwild on litecoin, i figure 1 is enough. would it ever start to soar? maybe if china bans btc….. hehehehe

mar 24 12.21 am

note: if you download the Litecoin client to do a hard drive wallet, and this seems to be the best choice as I cannot find a great online ltc wallet, it will be at least 2 gb and take foreeeeeeeeeever to sync/download and I am debating whether it will be really worth it since i have only like 50 gb free anyway.

played waaaay too much poker, 2 windows open, started out ahead after a decent pot, then got cleaned out in an epic 3 way showdown of 3 all ins, lost 15 chips, back to 0, good lord. i had KK, one guy had AA, other guy had 88 and 88 WON on a trips or full house. not too surprising, hehehehe.

spent like 4 hours after that trying to get back to even. did not. lost money on the other table too. all in all about -8 chips for the day. which is like 4 dollars. now i am just playing 1 table hehehe. if you want to try to actually make money you’ve got to play 2 at least, many people play at least 4 tables at once.

saw an old friend today, that was good, gotta do that more regularly.

heh. there are people that drop out of law skool or phd programs to Play Poker Professional. People with much better Math Minds than I, like the famed david sklansky. he had it MADE, graduating from UPenn (Ivy, Elite) with like a math degree, passing actuary exam at age 20, moved right into actuary job where he excelled and came up with new stuff, GUARANTEE he was making good money, and then decided to play poker professionally because actuary work was too restrictive and not challenging enough. wtf.

yeah i can tell u that actuary IS a great career path.i also hear it is Super Stressful and SUPER hard to pass those exams, and prob biased in favor of ppl from elite skools like UPenn. It is a LOT of work, hehehe.

in other words, he wasn’t forced into a Life Of Poker because he couldn’t get a steady stable job elsewhere, hehehehe.

hehehehe there is always getting rich on Bitcoin Speculation if Gambling doesn’t work out, hahahaha.