IT’S HUMILIATING / IT WASN’T WORTH IT

Mar 30

Addition to despair forums profile recently:

 

About Me
Yes, I have been a member since 2006! But I am much more a lurker than a poster and can go years without posting.

MARCH 2016: Still trying to get over my devastating events of 2015, loss of “loved one” and loss of job, something of an emotional breakdown, absolute destruction of all confidence. The loved one was a woman I liked who rejected me in a pretty bad way. She was more than a random woman, but an actual friend I had been friends with for over 2 years. As our friendship grew in depth and closeness and “intimacy”, I developed more-than-friends feelings for her. Because those were based on what I felt was deep mutual trust and knowing each other, the feelings were pretty deep and I thought she was “The One.” Obviously, this type of thing complicates a friendship, and I wanted to talk and communicate with her about it. At this time, she began avoiding me and always having excuses for not hanging out. We used to hang out regularly, now it was always excuses. I didn’t want to be pushy….but I ended up being pushy anyway. I should have just been ASSERTIVE and said “THIS ENDS NOW” and said WE NEED TO TALK, but I am more passive aggressive, less assertive. Not a good way to be with the ladies, hahaha. This pattern continued for 10 months and I was upset she couldn’t even put aside 2 hours to hang out with me outside of work and talk. We used to hang out! Also her excuses were somewhat legit and not really dishonest. She wasn’t dishonest, she was just a classic conflict AVOIDER. I’m the same way, partially, but this I couldn’t avoid. She, however, had no incentive to deal with it, whereas I did. She just wanted to ignore it and hope it would go away. I wanted to put in my bet and get a solid yes or no. It was looking like a no, but she would rather avoid saying it. OK, I can understand. I was also sending verbal signals and pretty clear signs like “we have been friends for a long time and I appreciate you more and more the longer we’ve known each other, and I would like to continue to get closer to you and spend more time with you this year. you are very important to me and I am very thankful for you” etc etc. I think she successfully interpreted what that meant and then was scared by my feelings because she clearly didn’t feel the same way.

Anyway, over 10 months it built to a boiling point and she stopped talking to me altogether. Wouldn’t respond to my texts anymore, pretended I didn’t’ exist. This was not the way I wanted our almost 3-year relationship to end. I freaked out and quit the job we both worked at. We were friends BEFORE we both got this job in late 2013, we weren’t “just work friends” but that’s what it seemed she wanted us to become. I wrote her 3 long emails explaining my side of the story, my feelings, spelled it all out for her, begged her to respond, but she didn’t respond at all.

I felt like I was thrown away like a piece of garbage. For a long time, I blamed myself for “making her do this” and pushing her away from me. Like I betrayed her by getting feelings for a friend. She wouldn’t talk or respond to me AT ALL. And I didn’t want to be a “weirdo” and bombard her with messages. I felt I kept the messages to a non-weirdo level, but I did send 3 long emails over the course of 1 month.

I just wanted her to acknowledge my feelings, to care about my feelings, and to show concern about an important relationship in both our lives for almost 3 years. I wanted her to tell me this friendship mattered to her and that it hurt her too, that the friendship had to be over. I know at one time I was an important friend to her. I just don’t like being thrown away, I didn’t feel like I was treated like a human being, it was a huge devastated heartbreaking disappointment.

Total lack of closure altogether. I have NO IDEA what she was thinking or feeling. I have TONS of unanswered questions that will never BE answered because she won’t talk to me. I felt abandoned, given up on, thrown away, like she bailed and gave up on me. When you want to get out of a relationship, at least TELL the other person. Write me an email at least. I wrote you long emails and explained as fully as I could what I was feeling. Try to do the same for me. Just show me a LITTLE mercy and kindness and appreciate that this hurts me. Care about me and my broken heart hahahaha.

Our job was super stressful, basically involved trying to fix and explain things you don’t really understand, to anxious callers with strange technical problems. You never felt confident or competent. Always put on the spot and overwhelmed. The sense of being an impostor that didn’t really know how to do your own job. Fix and explain something you’ve never seen before. Show no weakness, you’re supposed to be the expert. Be familiar with 100000000000 different technical things and be prepared to explain them on the spot. Be an expert tutor for classes you’ve never taken before. Be an expert in things you’ve never learned. It was the best money I’ve ever made in my life but I hated it. I was also upset my performance was affected by her, her being there. I was upset she could manage her emotions better and deal with the job better, and ultimately I was too WEAK to hold down the job, while she continues to succeed there, make more money, her life is not affected at all, but mine is turned upside down.

I just wanted her to COMMUNICATE with me like a mature adult and help end an important relationship in a kind, caring way. Show me the kindness that she USED to show me when we were friends. NOT just avoid, block, ignore, abandon, give up, bail out, and “ghost” me. This is a mind-boggling and just an insane way to be dumped. I will never do this to someone.

My conclusion is that she is just that conflict-avoidant. She doesn’t hate me, she doesn’t feel betrayed by me, she probably does value me as a once-important friend….but this was pure fight or flight, and she chose flight. There was no incentive for her to do the mature thing here. Just push it under the rug. Ignore it and hope it goes away. Let the drowning person drown. Get rid of the problem. If you could perform an abortion on a relationship, that’s what it seemed symbolic of.

But it was important to me to know that she didn’t HATE me, that she didn’t feel BETRAYED by me, and that she valued me and valued our friendship. I will never get answers here, though I was tempted to contact her. But a month after it all went down, I stopped sending emails and went No Contact altogether. That was a struggle, but I kept to it. I wanted her to contact me, but she never did. Indeed, now I’m tempted to contact mutual people to try to learn if she told them anything about what happened because I don’t want other people getting only her side of the story…..whatever that may be.

It was just a horrible, horrible ending to one of the most important relationships I’d had in many years. I had never gotten feelings for a female friend before. I also hadn’t had a female friend in years. And I hadn’t been friends with a woman for this long term. Usually by almost 3 years, we drift away mutually. Not here hahaha.

I wish I had been more assertive and proactive, but I REALLY wish she had shown a little COURAGE in dealing with this. Now I worry that all women are simply not mature enough to handle situations like this. Which I know is false. I’ve been dumped in better ways than this before!

All I needed was a standard, “Awwwwwww! I’m sorry, but I just don’t feel that way! You’re a good person, though!”

But she RAN AWAY from me and I had no idea what she was really thinking or feeling, and I never will.

The job was so stupid and stressful and I wanted to get out of there anyway. It was damaging to the emotional health hahaha. And so was she. I could handle both separately, but not both TOGETHER. I was angry that the JOB came between us. If we didn’t work together every day, I would have handled BOTH situations much better. but there was a definite synergy here in the worst possible way, haha.

Now I have been jobless for about 8 months, haven’t contacted her in 7 months, kind of plateauing on her, starting to get over it, but still pretty butthurt, and feel I will never meet another woman I have feelings for. I feel she is The Last One. I feel I will always be comparing other women to her, how we used to get along so well, and how I liked her so much, was willing to commit to her wholeheartedly. I figure it will take at least another year for me to become emotionally available. I don’t want other women, I want her. I would still “take her back” if she came to me and apologized.

Who QUITS THEIR JOB over something like this? But it’s possible something else would have pushed me to quit the job too. But I am angry because, after a year on the job, I was finally starting to get the hang of it and show real competence and confidence. How do normal people deal with the reality of “sink or swim” practice of job “training”? The confusion and uncertainty were maddening.

So now I feel super underconfident in doing other jobs: this is NORMAL for jobs to not train you! how do you DEAL with pressure and uncertainty and making quick decisions when you don’t really know what you are doing, and manage to survive long enough, for months, until you finally DO start to know what you are doing?

Also, employers will rightfully view me as UNSTABLE. When your Emotional Instability starts to really affect your Working Life, hahaha. It’s AMAZING how DIFFICULT it is just to be a normal working-class adult and hold down a job like a responsible, healthy, normal, average adult. I’ve never really been able to do it. Same with relationships with women. I am definitely the marrying type and the fathering type, I would really like to be married and have children, but I am NOT EVEN CLOSE. Also, I don’t want to have children with somebody unless I Really Love and am Committed to them. Kinda like how I was with my woman friend. There was no on the fence. No one foot out the door (well, not for me.) No, well let’s give this a try and see what happens. I was ALL IN. My mind was set on a lifelong commitment.

And it’s stupid I think more about HER than I do about getting a new job. But I have been getting better with the job search. But the next job I get, I HAVE to stay at for at least a YEAR, even if it’s even WORSE. Don’t want to look like a job hopper. And I am terrified of being put into situations where I have to face customers and clients and I don’t know what I am doing, because The New Normal is for companies to not train their employees because it costs too much money. And then people b!!ch at you when you make mistakes OR ask for help. The F’n New Guy. What a M0R0N.

BTW the profile picture refers to “Pepe the frog” and “tendies.” Google pepe and tendies memes to understand haha. Pepe is a meme frog which can be used in many situations. Tendies is a NEET meme (google neet hahaha) referring to neet L0sers who are too lazy and spoiled to get a job and they just live at home their whole lives and never grow up, never develop into adults, and if they earn enough “good boy points” by emptying their Pee Bottles and leaving the house, then their Mommy makes their 30-year-old virgin L0ser son some Chicken Tendies. YUMMMMM! Neets often have Depression and Anxiety and read /r9k/ on 4chan and 8chan and share pathetic tales of despair, being a 30 year old unemployable virgin. It’s a pathetic life. Some neets legit enjoy not being “wagecucks” and they enjoy watching anime all day. I just want to be a productive adult and have a 3D waifu hahaha. I don’t like anime. But it’s so difficult to convince companies to hire me and so hard to convince women that I am Cool Enough to Hang Out With. I’m tired of always having to Prove myself, and then having my argument not be persuasive enough, so I don’t get the job or the woman. I do not deal with rejection well hahaha. Also, I am just tired of being rejected over and over. I think you need a little success once in a while to keep you going. But it is demoralizing to go many years without gainful employment, and to go many many years without an Intimate Relationship. I hope it doesn’t leave permanent damage, but it certainly does decrease your confidence and make you less attractive to both employers and women.

I am actually a good/great employee, and a good/great friend, and would be a great partner to the right woman, but I feel like people don’t give me a fair CHANCE. Well, nobody said life is FAIR hahahaha. You have to assertively demand that people give you a chance. And 99% of the time they will still reject you, hahahaha. And not in a nice way either, hahaha.

Basically, I want to stop feeling like a Loser and stop BEING a Loser and just be more of a winner. It sux being a Loser At Life. A Failure. The two biggest things that would fix that are gainful employment at a job that doesn’t drive you crazy; and a healthy relationship with someone who will love you in good times and bad. Yeah, these are kinda big things and take a LOT of work. And I don’t feel capable of doing such sustained, intense, focused work. Everything just seems TOO HARD hahaha. The stuff normal people do as part of being normal: working, having a wife. They make it LOOK EASY but its really haaaaaarrrdddd as heck.

Anyway I think companies SHOULD train their employees and SHOULD create an environment where people can get HELP in doing their jobs. That they are “set up for success” and not failure. No more sink or swim. I understand cutting costs in the short term, but I care much more about the long term. I would ALWAYS try to help new people once I actually knew something about the job. ALWAYS. And I would support them and encourage them. Because I know how hard it is to be a new guy and spend day after day, month after month, feeling like an 1d10t. Yes, that eats away at your confidence, rather than builds it up. like a train wreck in slow motion hahaha. We’re all here to do our jobs the best we can. Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it. Tell me what to say and I’ll say it. Give me the tools and processes to Solve Problems and I will solve problems. Don’t make me figure everything out by myself. What kind of message does it send to our clients to have people out there that are terrified and clearly don’t know what they’re doing? Also, some people do better than others when under pressure. I break under pressure and can’t do even simple things. Other people do their best work under pressure. not me. I can’t even remember my own NAME when under pressure. Are there any jobs for people who don’t handle pressure well????!?!?!

The most useful thing to me was Studying After Work. Studying like I had a big College Maths Exam the next day. Because that’s what it felt like. Taking a test all day, every day, only you had to orally explain your answers as you worked them while an anxious person hovered over you and interrogated you. But you hadn’t really studied the book or done the homework or gone to lectures and you had the worst, most useless instructor ever. I couldn’t believe a job could BE like that. It blew my mind and shattered my soul hahaha. But I managed to persevere for a full year, and slowly improve, until the problem with The Darn WOMAN pushed me to my breaking point. It’s all SO frustrating and disappointing.

I don’t like having to “BS” people just to get them off the phone. I like to ACTUALLY fix problems and to ACTUALLY know what’s going on. I like being able to get help from another person. I REALLY like being able to transfer a client to a more knowledgeable colleague when I can’t figure something out, and being able to listen in and see how THEY handle the problem. I don’t like being told to “figure it out” and left on my own to flail like a drowning man. You constantly wanted a hero to swoop in and save you, but you had to be your own hero and cobble together the most kludgey workarounds. “Throwing spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks” was my metaphor. It looked UNPROFESSIONAL as heck. It looked like we didn’t know what we were doing and were making it up as we went along……because that’s exactly what it was. I do not deal well with that kind of work. I need certainty and real explanations and real knowledge and real HELP.

That job, combined with THAT PERSON, was a recipe for disaster, and boy did it happen.

I have a huge ridiculous blog that is focused on helping losers become winners. Lately though it is me moaning about being a loser. To show the world what Real Love and Real Heartbreak looks like. To share the internal world of someone who knows he’s a loser and just can’t pull himself out of it. BUT trying to be more optimistic than /r9k/ for example. You should read /r9k/ for a while to get an idea of what it is……then stay away from it forever. My perspective is like /r9k/ but for people that really really want to Get Better. Anyway, message me if you want the link for my blog.

That is not my real birthday but I am in my Early Thirties. An Older Millennial. I definitely feel older and different than the younger/average millennial. I still have some similarity with generation x. the nihilism and cynicism hahaha. but I never became a successful adult like they did. also, most younger millennials are more successful adults than I am. good jobs, good relationships. I just can’t relate to these normies hahahaha but darn I wish I did!!!!!

I try to deal with stuff by writing although not sure if that really helps. Also, like to exercise, that might help a little more. Trying to lose weight. maybe that will make me more attractive to women hahaha. so desperate for female attention and approval!!!!! always have been.

But I am not really a bad or annoying or creepy guy. I have had great friends who really appreciated me. I just am shy and introverted and people need to give me a chance hahaha. But the people who did give me a chance usually ended up getting something valuable out of it, hahaha.

I just don’t like being abandoned or given up on by a close friend! This would hurt ANYBODY, even the most confident NORMIE!!!!! And so it was especially hurtful to me, being insecure and unstable hahaha.

I don’t shove my insecurities in people’s faces. Only anonymously on the internet, hahaha. In Real Life, I just seem like a quiet and nice guy. Though maybe a little weird because a little too quiet. But I’ve had people who appreciated me. I guess I would like to have more appreciation at the moment hahaha. My family appreciates me THANK GOD but I am greedy for more appreciation: that of especially women and jobs.

I like all kinds of music and movies. I enjoy black metal and artsy foreign movies. Yes, these things can be quite degenerate. It’s hard finding stuff to watch or listen to that isn’t TOO degenerate.

I am really against Degeneracy, though, which I find in EVERYTHING. Any product of modern culture is somewhat degenerate. Promoting immorality, hedonism, and nihilism. I have discarded things I used to like, simply because it’s ultimately a bad influence. For this very reason, I am no longer a Big Fan of any TV shows. TV is horribly degenerate in general. As are movies. As is music. It’s hard to ENJOY anything because so much is rooted in degeneracy and has no higher meaning. Like I said, it promotes and is born from an unhealthy worldview. It does not nourish or strengthen the soul. It’s hollow and empty and soulless and sometimes downright wrong, immoral, evil. No redeeming qualities. Casual sex, hedonism, nihilism, moral relativism, amoral, immoral, if it feels good, do it. If it gets you off, do it. I can’t tolerate that stuff anymore. Or where the only thing that matters is that everyone is Consenting. Consent is a crappy Moral Standard. Two people can CONSENT to something that is horribly immoral.

Young people can be BRAINWASHED into living a degenerate life. I know I was. It’s basically short-term hedonistic GLUTTONY of the senses. I never did casual sex simply because I was not attractive to women, but I did use too much pornography for a time. Porn is hugely degenerate IMHO and I wish I’d never seen it. I want to stay away from it for the rest of my life. We should not tolerate Porn as a normal thing. It’s BAD. It’s WRONG. It’s IMMORAL. It’s DEGENERATE. NO GOOD can come from it.

As you can see, I am no stranger to making Strong Moral Judgments hahahaha. I would have it no other way. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten more Moralistic. I Cannot tolerate moral relativism anymore. There is RIGHT, and there is WRONG. Period.

I perhaps overestimate how “degenerate” some things are, but I truly believe the stuff goes DEEP. It is ALMOST like a deep PsyOp designed to destroy our morality and our souls. The Devil works in crafty, mysterious ways hahaha.

No, I am not super religious but I have become more religious. Or, at least antiatheistic, where when I was young and dumb I was vehemently atheistic, antitheistic. Now I just think that is smug sophistry by fedora-wearing “I Luv SCIENCE” types.

A lot of this is tied to a Political and Ideological awakening I had in my mid to late twenties where I essentially went from Left to Right, to oversimplify it greatly. In college, you had to be Far Left to be cool. I wanted to be cool, to just fit in, and have friends, meet girls, have people like me. But as I got older, I couldn’t keep going with the moral relativism of the Left. I had to Become Who I Was hahaha.

Uhhh I won’t judge anyone here as degenerate. That is none of my business. Just try not to HURT people. It’s not that hard. If they are begging you to show them mercy, show them mercy. If they are begging you not to throw them away like a piece of garbage, DON’T throw them away like a piece of garbage! Have respect and care for your friends’ feelings! Don’t add insult to injury! Also don’t be a cheater.

And don’t have casual sex with more than one person at once. Yes, it’s the other person’s business because you might be giving them a disease hahaha. You know what, don’t have casual sex at ALL because sex is inherently INTIMATE and NOT casual, and when you try to make it casual, this will come back to haunt you, by making you unable to connect with people. Unable to love haha.

If you are a woman who has a male friend, understand that he might develop feelings for you after a while. Try not to be hugely offended by this, and let him down GENTLY. He’s still the same person you became friends with. He just likes you so much that he wants to take the friendship to a deeper level. Let him down GENTLY. Darn.

.

END

yeah buddy.

mar 31

well, I felt all energized and uplifted because I posted 2 rambling incoherent posts on despair forums, now the next day I am too scared to go and check the replies. scared that somebody is gonna criticize my rambling, incoherent, stupid nonsense hahaha and bad communicators don’t get good jobs like the 21-year-old gurls right out of college with their shiny LinkedIn profiles who have better jobs than I ever will. working for healthcare admin hmos maybe? wearing problem glasses yet still being cute, making 20 dah as some kind of Team Lead or Program Manager. hahaha, I have never been a team lead in my life. I hate when young women become Job Leaders. I wish I could be as successful as Young Women. they will probably make You Know Who a Team Lead. so she can give shitty advice to tier 1. fook her hahahaha. I used to give GOOD advice to new tier 1’s when I was just a tier 1 as well!!!!!

and I gave much better advice as a tier 1 than she will ever give as a tier 2! she will be one of those useless tier 2’s that gives shitty advice, and is always bitchy, and refuses to escalate for desperate newbs who are begging for escalation!

hopefully, she can also become a fat mudshark single mom to a brown baby and a deadbeat baby daddy and she gets hooked on pain pills recreationally!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

when she coulda been a good wife to me, and FIXED me hahahaha and we would have HUHWHYTE babies, and I would never leave her and she would never leave me, and I would gradually move up in my career and make more money and become more respected and have an easier job and make more money hahaha and people could say damn, he is SMART and he is GOOD and he is the BEST manager ever. I want to BE LIKE him. He’s got a great faithful wife too, and 3 or more beautiful children. I want him to write me a letter of reference so I can get a southern new Hampshire online MBA for 80 grand.

I hate that she is way dumber than me and almost as lazy and underachieving and losery and unambitious, yet she does OK with her working life and is on the way up, while I am constantly falling towards rock bottom, like homer falling down the Jagged Crags of Springfield gorge. and she is almost 10 years younger than me.

I HATE HAVING TO COMPETE WITH MUCH YOUNGER WOMEN FOR JOBS AND HAVING THEM BE WAY MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN ME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

young college age gurls, who are probably huge casual sex having sluts, partying on the weekends, are fookin managers and supervisors and team leads making 20 DAH and writing business bullshit on their LINKEDIN pages and treating LinkedIn as their new facebook. And they are spewing the business bullshit very well, talking just like A Manager, not even misspelling shit. How do they BULLSHIT so WELL?

I wish they were just at home having white babies and there would be more jobs open for white men like me hahahaha.

it just seems very unnatural and unwholesome to compete against women for jobs. when you can’t get women OR jobs, it makes you even MORE resentful against women. cuz they have the good jobs that you want and can’t get, and also you want women themselves, but can’t get them either. and if they removed themselves from the workforce and weren’t so damn career focused, there wouldn’t be such fierce competition for jobs, and you’d have a better chance at getting a damn job.

and every damn woman has DUMPED you AND they became successful At Work while you continued to be a HUGE FAILURE at both Work AND Women hahaha.

there’s the gurl who’s 10 years younger than you, you fell in love with her, she dumped you harshly, she’s dumber than you, yet she’s way more successful than you and makes way more money than you. its HUMILIATING!!!!!!

yes going on LINKEDIN is NOT RECOMMENDED. fooking hip young college gurls treating it as a CAREER FACEBOOK, all trying to one-up each other in their health and recruiting and staffing and PR and marketing and HR careers. and social work and teaching.

I read their accomplishments and I don’t even know what this shit MEANS because I’ve never worked a job like that. let alone succeeded at it and ADVANCED in it. hahaha. I have always quit before I ADVANCED in anything because I can’t handle the pressure hahaha. how do these young dumb GURLS do it? how are they STRONGER than me???!!!

I HATE THAT!!!!! IT’S HUMILIATING!!!!!!!

welp applied to 3 jobs so far today.  that makes 11 this week. still haven’t heard anything hahaha.

well you have to do 100 applications to get 1 interview, and 100 interviews to finally get 1 job! therefore, you must apply to 1000 jobs. therefore, I am 11/1000  aka .011% on my journey to get a job hahahaha.

EXCUSE ME. 1.1%. aka .011 straight up. 1.1% in 4 days is not bad. therefore, about 400 days to get a job hahaha.

a lower paying job than before where SHE makes at least 3 DAH more than I do, but hopefully something less stressful.

shit. I want HER to go crazy and quit the job. to one day say NOPE I CANT TAKE IT ANY MORE and walk out and start all over again like I did.

FOOK these BITCHES and their SUCCESS!!!!!!

well mainly I’m angry at my own lack of success, but when you lack something, you are mad at yourself for not being able to reach your own standards, but also jealous and envious and butthurt at all the people who HAVE what you WANT.

ie WOMEN, women have the JOBS and they have….the women hahahaha. They have the things you want, and you’re not good or strong enough to get those things for yourself, but a 21-year-old gurl IS?

ITS HUMILIATING!!!!!!!

years of this can really give you an inferiority complex!!!

that really hurts you in regards to Struggling for Jobs and Struggling for Women!

Life IS Struggle!

you can’t get demoralized by that struggle, you have to

JUST KEEP STRUGGLING.

NEVER STOP STRUGGLING.

this video keeps popping up

do women have in-group loyalty or not?  The video seemed pretty good from fast forwarding thru it without sound hahaha.

so women are naturally TRAITORS and OPPORTUNISTS? This SUCKS. How are men SUPPOSED to love that shit? sure, carrying your child is a big deal……

well maybe women CHANGE after they have CHILDREN, to become less traitorous. And better people. Better wives. so it makes perfect sense to have children ASAP so you don’t grow up to be a SHITTY TRAITOR.

WILL TRADE RACISTS FOR RAPISTS hahaha

Women would rather get RAPED by RAPEUGEES than show any allegiance to men of their own race who white knight and defend then. Rather get RAPED by an outgroup than be DEFENDED by your ingroup.

ABSOLUTELY TRAITOROUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

heh. Watching that video and reading the comments won’t make you LIKE women any more.

Hey, didn’t I say I don’t LIKE hating women? its too unhealthy? That it’s better for my mental health to LIVE IN DENIAL regarding the INHERENT SHITTINESS of women? That that’s really the best way to take care of MY self and not get discouraged.

tfw when LYING TO YOURSELF IS BETTER FOR YOU THAN being HONEST with yourself. yikes.

well i guess never be so unaware of your lie that you do stupid shit, like get feelings for a woman or get married or have children hahahaha.  get chained to some traitorous bitch that will divorce you in 6 months and take your money and house and kids to ride the carousel and outperform you in career.

Just got a call about Accounting Clerk job thru staffing agency with hopefully nearby client. Just applied for the job less than 4 hours ago. they left message, I froze and knew I should call them back before 3:30 when the Recruiter said She was leaving office. Worried that they would put me on spot with hard bullshitty questions right there. Faced the fear and called anyway. Sounded pretty good on phone. Explained my accounting experience: I worked as an “Accounting Department Assistant” briefly 11 years ago; I took 3 college courses in accounting and got A’s; understand basics of accounting; know some Quickbooks and Peachtree and excel of course; but they specifically wanted X years of Paid Working SAP experience. I said I didnt have that but was more than willing to learn SAP as quickly as needed. Sorry, we need SAP people immediately, but we will keep your resume on file. Ok, thank you.

She was moderately nice and not a hostile bitch, so that was good.

Yeah “learning SAP quickly” is like “learning All Maths quickly”. Learn to become an experienced Software Engineering Quickly and get ramped up to hit the ground running tomorrow for your new job as a microsoft senior developer. I know SAP is a complicated, confusing, big, customizable, labrynthine behemoth, the cause of nightmares and ulcers and lost sleep and racing thoughts and ragequits hahahaha. You have to pay good money to get decent SAP training. One does not simply learn SAP quickly and hit the ground running for a 12 DAH job. I am surprised they don’t have full blown degrees in SAP. I am sure there are full courses in SAP. Beginning, intermediate, advanced. I have taken none. I’ve taken Intro and INtermediate Accounting though! Got all the way through the 30 pound 1500 page textbook! Remember very little other than assets = liabilities + equity, and I couldn’t explain what that means to an accounting student. Couldn’t even bullshit it.

BULLSHITTING IS ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT LIFE SKILLS YOU CAN HAVE. And I am VERYYYYY rusty on it. And I don’t like doing it all day. It’s dishonest and exhausting!!!!!!!

But oh well, I called them. That is an accomplishment. Now to see what these assholes on despair forums are tearing me apart.

No, not really thankfully. I think I even got 1 like! Made one more long, rambling incoherent post. There is honestly much less activity on this forum than on the trails forum. I can’t believe it! Despair form gets like 1 post every 5 to 10 minutes, TRS gets a couple posts every minute!

i guess i wouldnt have a HUGE problem with me having casual sex with some random young qt. i mean hey if they want to be a slut I’m not gonna stop them! I just don’t care about Randoms!

but HER, the idea of HER having casual sex offends and RUSTLES me TO THE MOON!!!!! cuz I Luved her and treated her cvnt like some kind of sacred, life-bearing treasure from GOD. which it kinda was. but feeling like that is gonna bring me nothing but pain now. Cuz i just want to forget about her, forget i ever met it. it wasn’t worth it.

We had some really good times, but IT JUST WASNT WORTH IT.

The bad times outweighed the good times. And the good times were really good. But the bad times were really, really bad. It was a Net Loss. Net Bad.

Yeah, I LEARNED shit that will make me better and smarter…..but I think I was capable of having a good rel ALREADY, WITHOUT learning these painful lessons. like yeah the lessons were valuable, but they weren’t valuable ENOUGH, they werent MANDATORY.

THE LESSONS WERENT EVEN WORTH IT.

Therefore, QED, I wish I had never met her. Damn.

A big important 2.7 year long relationship which I was heavily invested was not worth it. I wish it had never happened. Then I would have come out ahead of where I am now. Wish I had never met that person.

It’s like putting all your money in an investment, then the investment crashes and you lose all your money. Great. what did you learn? don’t invest all your money in that bad investment. Great Lesson bitches hahaha. but its not gonna get you your life savings back, and you’re not gonna get better about spotting bad investments in the future, nor do you have any money to invest in them.

Like I said, she had some yellow flags, but actually LESS than the average woman. I watch like a HAWK for red flags and picked her because she seemed to LACK them. There was no red flags that she was gonna do what she did. I figured she didnt like me but I had no idea she would completely ignore and block me to the extent that she did. I thought she would respond to me EVENTUALLY. NOPE. and there were no red flags indicating that.

http://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/college-student-always-depressed-0

hehehe i was kinda like this pathetic loser

WHAT WOULD DONALD TRUMP DO / FRIENDS FIRST GAME / 11 YEARS SINCE CUDDLING / SQUAT GUAT / TUALAPOG / ID HANG OUT WITH ME SO HARD

0203

THIS IS THE BEST AND LONGEST POST EVER.

well i will get over the idea that i did a horrible thing and betrayed her and am a bad guy…..

but its much harder to get over the idea that I Failed The Shit Test. She was giving me a shit test because thats just what women naturally do to weed out weak willed men, and be selective, and find good stronk mates, and weed out the weak………and i failed the test and showed myself as weak. failed her shit test.

but i have my doubts that this was an actual shit test, vs her just being super shitty.

now i realize ALL shit tests are subconscious, and the women dont know theyre doing them.

and that shit tests are essentially women acting like Full Retarded Immature Children. and that is stupid and shamefur.

the proper response is to say, i’m not gonna take your shit baby, THIS ENDS NOW. youre acting like a CHILD and you can talk to me when you want to act like a grown ass woman. but i dont negotiate with bratty little children.

then the gurl melts and says ooh thats just what i wanted to hear, you passed the shit test, i luv you now.

also….. i thought shit tests came AFTER the gurl has shown SOME interest in you, most likely have SECS by the third date. but she doesnt really know you and doesnt know if youre a real enough man to continue having secs with her.

also, i failed shit tests with women before, bascially dumped for being Too Beeta……..but they still were NICE to me when they dumped me and didnt go apeshit and treat me like a piece of garbage, or it was my fault for being such a horrible person.

in other words, failing a shit test STILL doesnt mean the woman gets to throw you away like youre a horrible person. they can STILL empathize with you as someone who is gonna be hurt.

but i dont know how shit tests work in Friends First situations. when you already know each other. she had known me for 2+ years, she knew who i was.

are they testing to see if youre willing to just walk out on them if they give you shit?

well i wasnt willing to walk out on her exactly because we already had an established relationship for a long time, and you just dont GIVE UP on people like that, unless they are a trifling brat you JUST MET.

now with shit tests you cant say “just talk to me baby, and we’ll work this out. tell me what you want baby, and i’ll do it.” thats FAILING the shit test.

you have to say, im the MAN, and im not gonna stand for this. STAHP. THIS ENDS NOW. I wont take this shit, we wont talk this out, you’re gonna stop throwing the tantrum, or im gonna find a BETTER WOMAN.

well, its hard to walk out on a qt after youve BANGED her, because you want to bang her MOAR, plus the secs might be naturally, rightfully causing your brain to produce like-like-chemicals. so your willingness to put up with shit and not walk away is increased.

when walking away is not the same thing as giving up. when you you walk away because youre saying “i can do better than this. i dont have to put up with this shit. this is retarded.”

vs walking away as giving up: “i dont want to put in the effort to work on and improve this relationship. im done with them. its over and im pulling the plug.”

i dunno i think BEING ASSERTIVE is not a bad thing. i was never good at being a DICK to women becuase i was always THIRSTY (hahahaha) and DESPERATE for female attention and approval and liking and loving.

but i think you can be assertive and stand up for yourself and say i dont like the way youre treating me, you need to treat me with more respect or were done.

do women see assertiveness as being not masculine enough? or do you need to be more aggressive than assertive?

i dont think aggressiveness HURTS. except when you are being aggressively pushy, creepy, bugging them to hang out when they dont want to hang out. and you are persistent in a stalkery way.

the best advice i have thought of recently is: WHAT WOULD TRUMP DO. WHAT WOULD THE TRUMPENFUHRER DO in this situation, with this woman. how would HE show assertiveness to this Bratty Bitchy Woman whose trying to bust his balls?

THAT is what you must do.

would he let some gurl say oh not now, but later. later. later. for months and months? fook no. hed say, were going out to bla bla on saturday at 7 pm. done. be ready or youre fired hahahaha.

shit. when this first started going on she made it sound like almost playful and possibly flirtatious, like youre the guy, you pick the place. and i responded pretty well like, OF COURSHE ill pick a place, i am decisive as fook and if you dont like it, your loss baby lol. and joking with her. and tyring to point out how i wasnt such a nice guy, i am a total asshole, its my way or the highway. was trying to show that side to her. which i still think was a good idea! but then she STILL kept bailing on me. still making up excuses. i said youve got two strikes already baby, and believe me you dont want a third! youre treading on thin ice! which i thought was halfway decent Game for a sperg autist neet virgin wizard like me! and i still do!

but it didnt work, cuz she still kept up with the lame excuses.

at that point, i should have said THIS ENDS NOW. STAHP STRINGING ME ALONG or i’ll hang out with somebody who doesnt.

and because i failed to do that, i lost out on muh lifelong wife and mother of my children, cuz i made one misstep and responded to one shit test incorrectly hahahahahaha.

again my game was not Perfect, but it was OK considering, and at the beginning of it, it didnt seem she was Stringing Me Along too much. so i continued the Playful Banter and things werent weird yet.

and the excuses werent really THAT lame. some were, like i was sick etc. others were like oh im upset because my cheating boifran cheated on me and im sad, and i thought her opening up to me about that was progress.

but yeah. you could have finally Broke Down and agreed to hang out over Thanksgiving or Crimbo. so I guess things were weird by January 2015. because i had fully expected to hang out with her around tgiving. that was disappointing. that was strike 1 or 2. i thought well if tgiving doesnt work out, xmas or new years definitely will. xmas did not work out. i even blatantly asked her if she wanted to hang out on new years. I DUNNOOOOOOOOOO. THAT should have been strike 3, and on new years day 2015 i should have said: OK. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. THIS ENDS NOW.  but instead there was tension for the next 7 months. and then devastating, pathetic heartbreak for me ever since that.

but do i really WANT a woman who has made the decisions she has? when she has to make big decisions and prove her mettle, she Chokes and chooses Poorly. and its TRAGIC because she can really do better. but do i really want someone who Chooses Poorly when it matters the most?

well i often thought, well, other white women arent much better. i mean how PICKY do i want to be here? we get along well, we know and trust each other, shes been with less than 3 guys, shes not annoying, shes nice, really the pros outweigh the cons here goy, where am i ever gonna find a nice, young, pretty, less than 3, no kids white gurl? wy the hell shouldnt i go all in with her!

shes made a couple of bad decisions, and i wish she had a better father but thats not her fault, her family is good despite that, were all human, ive made some REALLY bad decisions too, and most young cute white women have made a lot worse decisions! i could do so much worse, and really, considering my status, im not gonna do any BETTER!

i dunno. i TRIED to have game at the beginning. i thought i was Gaming pretty well considering me being an omega wizard. gimme a little CREDIT for THAT hahahahah!

but the game didnt work. she kept flaking. now was that because my game was not strong enough? and i should BLAME MYSELF for that?

well the true alpha would say, welp i screwed that one up, but i learned a lesson, and i will do better with the next woman. lets just move on from this.

note well that i am more about marriage game and traditional wife game as opposed to casual sex pulling degen sluts degenerate game!

also, HOW HARD IS IT TO HANG OUT????? i can see soem bitch youve only known for a month and had casual secs with, now blows you off and doesnt hang out with you because youre TOO interested in her……

but how do you Friends First Game?

average Game says, theres no such thing, youre in the Friendzone Forever.

I say, well just tell the gurl your feelings have changed. and then get soundly rejected because women dont like having Adult Conversations, because Serious is not Sexy. You have to speak their bullshit dumb retarded signal language. at which point you are better to be Aggressive He Man, than Assertive Lets Talk About This.

so stupid. what does heartiste say is proper Friends First Game?

i TRUST heartiste because he is pro-white and he is also TRS-approved and he understands the big picture.

even ROOSH is coming around to that, but we dont like Roosh because he is a Kebab and he makes fun of the alt right hahahahaha. ful disclosure: I bought “Day Bang” like 4 or 5 years ago and still dont realy want to get rid of it. i think white wizards like me can learn some basic solid game from a “kebab rapist” like Roosh. but yeah. he shouldnt have mocked the alt right. that was really stupid. not just the alt right, but WHITES. i can’t tolerate that.

plus him going around banging HUNDREDS of white girls. even if they are degen sluts. he is not being a part of the solution. to degeneracy.

but yeah. it just makes me very uncomfortable to think that the average unmarried white gurl is gonna be more or less ok with casual sex.

well this is the DEFEATIST shit schlomo WANTS me to think! NICE TRY SCHLOMO!!!!!!!!!

back in the day, DEFEATIST talk used to be up there with TREASON as an executable offense! or at least you got the shit beat out of you. and then went nuts and Kd yourself and others like private pyle hahahaha.

i have always felt like private pyle unfortuantely hahahahaha.

just to be crystal clear, i dont support the poolside, enjoy the decline, watch the world burn bullshit. i might have been seduced by that DEGENERATE, HEDONISTIC NIHILISM when i was younger, but not anymore. there are values much much much higher than MUH DICK.  and thats all that shit is, is muh dick.

i luv TRS because not only do they have a fun forum, but they have totally engaging the Memeplex and are changing the meme game in a bigger way than any pro-whites ive seen so far. creating memes, changing the language, creating our own language, “dog whistling” to other shitlords with words like “AGENCY” and “TIME PREFERENCE”. not to mention the more jocular memes/words like “cuck” and dindu and gibs which seem to be penetrating our language.

what they are doing is great and exciting and important. and i have been pro white since 2011 hahahahahaha. ive read stormfront and vnn and they are fine and dandy, but TRS is the next big thing and i am GRATEFUL i discovered them.

they would tell me forget about that lost cause mudshark……..but they would also say i am a total beeta lost cause myself, so when you tally up the scorecard, i would have been lucky to pull a white gurl like her. young, less than 5 dicks, no kids, so what if she is a little mudsharky and has no father. pros outweigh the cons. i am a past my prime, 30+ loser who made bad choices in life and now reaps what i sow. i am luck that a white gurl even wanted to hang out with me. the best i deserve is a “BROWN MIDGET REFRIGERATOR” (description of guatamalan/mestizo brown women hahahaha, stout, stocky, short, stumpy, and very unattractive hahahaha.)

i am serious about wanting to date only white girls…..but with my low mate value, i have to find a white girl with ISSUES.  and i did! and i felt they were not dealbreaker issues!

or i could just IMPROVE MYSELF which is what proud white men are SUPPOSED To do. life is a constant journey of SELF IMPROVEMENT for the white man.

heh. for me that is super duper hard. i am losing weight pretty good and trying to treat my Despair with meds and occasional shrink hahahahaha.  i have quit drinking and quit MJ. but i still like MJ and I wish i didnt LIKE it!!!!!!!

i have quit porno and have not looked at it at ALL in…..111 days at LEAST.

i dunno. i had a good upbringing so i cant blame my family. they were just too protective though, if anything they were too loving! and in that sense were enabling of bad habits that would not serve me well as an independent adult who could Survive in the World of Work and Women.

Classic Spoiled Kid Affluenza syndrome reporting in!

but yeah i dont like Dating because i dont think women should be having secs before 6 months into an official relationship, at LEAST; and i dont like the fact that women cant talk about shit and solve problems like MEN hahahaha. im mad at women for not being MEN. hahahahaha.

you cant HATE women for being immature insane bitches. its part of BEING A WOMAN. WOMEN ARE DIFFERENT THAN MEN.

i dunno. i can accept women being VERY different from men, i just WISH they didnt HAVE to be immature, insane, destructive bitches! is that to unrealistic to ask?

probably not.

remember, those crazy bitches i fake dated and made out with and had secs with, who dumped me for being too beta and a doormat and not masculine enough and too interested in them, they still tried to dump me politely and nicely.

heh. j00ish women j00d me less than a white woman. its really discouraging when white women j00 you even worse than ACTUAL j00s hahahaha.

so yeah i can finally believe that i didnt do something HORRIBLY WRONG AND EVIL.

i have a harder time accepting that it was more than a matter of game. if i had just GAMED her better, i would have gotten her. and my major mistake is failing this SHIT TEST.

i would like to think there is no one size fits all way of passing a shit test. donald trump does it one way, uncle adolf does it another way, vlad putin does it another way, the southern gentleman does it another way. i would prefer to be assertive ratherly than overly aggressive, and not be too huge of a dick about it. because thats SAFER hahahaha. because what if being a dick to the woman actually offends the woman and drives her away? hahahaha. yes i am being slightly sarcastic.

bbbbbbut its hard to be a dick to women when you are a desperate doormat who is desperate to not be left by them.

i wish there were a good authority on Friends First Game i could turn to hahahaha.

of course the idea that there is a Game for every situation is pretty degen, see the hilarious twitter account return of kangz whcih is a alt right, pro white parody of return of kings which somebody from TRS forums is doing probably.

https://twitter.com/ReturnOfKangz?lang=en

it seems to be making fun of Game, from a pro white perspective hehehehehe. i dunno. its a really new twitter account but looks promising.

i dunno.

see, i thought Friends could just TALK to each other freely without using stupid GAME.

i thought friends could just HANG OUT with each other REGULARLY.

but i didnt WANT to be just friends.

well i was FINE with being friends at FIRST.

then things changed.

then i wanted to have a friendly talk about that change and just put it out there like a mature adult. no shit tests, no signals, no ultimatums, no bullshit.

but maybe its because im an unmasculine mating market loser that i even THINK Game Is Stupid. If i were a successful man, I would appreciate and respect the Game, as i respect the Differences between men and women.

i respect the differences between men and women, but i still think Game is stupid.

but MGTOW is kind of stupid as well. just pussies giving up and embracing foreveralone as some kind of moral signaling. nope. i dont buy it anymore. im as done with mgtow, as she was done with me hahahahaha.

there are better ways to morally signal hahahah. like by saying you are a traditional white man who wants to have a traditional white family with a traditional white woman.

WHAT WOULD THE DON DO.

he would say, “listen. the first couple times you blew me off, that was understandable. you were going through some tough stuff. but I really thought you would hang out with me around tgiving, crimmus, or new years. enough is enough already. youve been avoiding me for 2 months. this is not ok. this ends now. either we hang out this saturday at 5 pm or you CALL me when youre ready to stop stringing me along and start treating me with the respect i deserve.”

THE END.

put that on a fooking flashcard and MEMORIZE THAT QUOTE.

i am looking for an EPIC DOOM BAND that is MORE EPIC THAN CANDLEMASS.

CANDLEMASS IS NOT EPIC ENOUGH FOR ME.

Candlemass is great and nothing but respect. but i want 10 minute songs, not 6 minute songs hahahahaha.

yes, i am fully aware candlemass invented epic doom and has an album called “EPICUS DOOMICUS METALLICUS.”

yeah i will also take epicish gothic doom death. like my dying bride. that is more than epic enough for me. maybe what i’m looking for are those “gothic”, super melancholy Two Guitar Harmonies.

google how to deal with a shit test

looking for somewhat trusted sources, not easy

http://therationalmale.com/tag/how-to-pass-a-shit-test/

https://heartiste.wordpress.com/2013/06/25/compendium-of-female-super-shit-tests/

ok. so you treat them like the BRatty Little Sister. you dont hate them or want to hurt them, but you want to SHOW THEM WHOS BOSS.

WOMEN HATE MEN WHO NEED TO BE TOLD TO BE DOMINANT. hahahahahah. whoooops failed that shit test hahahahah.

Commanding respect is especially important for the kind of testing where they’re just being an annoyance and generally disrespectful. IMO disrespect should not be tolerated and needs to be nipped in the bud, and is an important way to maintain frame control. You simply need to be firm and treat her like a father would to their child who’s being disrespectful. You don’t get angry, you just call her on the behavior and let her know clearly that you won’t stand for it. In a way this is almost a type of pressure flip. You’re taking her negative energy and sliding past it and putting the onus on her to react by changing her approach to the topic. For example:

Her: Nag nag nag.
You: That is disrespectful and I will not tolerate it.

https://whoism3.wordpress.com/2012/11/17/confessions-of-a-reformed-incel/

he seems pretty degen but there are some solid things in this article, poignant tuff feels you will have felt hahahaha. but he watches pron hahahaha. anyway decent article, cant vouch for the rest of the site.

yeah he likes pron too much and hates women too much. and doesnt like to heartiste. but i can basically understand where hes coming from. plus i HAD to read an article called “confessions of a reformed incel.” he went TWELVE YEARS without sex, and i think without even cuddleing or making out, any contact with women basically.

welp… its been 11-12 years without actual secs for me

11 years since touching pvssay, and cuddling

10 years since making out

so….almost as bad hahahahahaha.

11 years since cuddling wow that just sounds SAD hahahahaha.

WHAT WOULD THE DON SAY:

THAT IS DISRESPECTFUL AND I WILL NOT TOLERATE IT.

this is prob muh favorite style. straightforward, no bullshit, no games, clear, direct, honest, short, to the point.

i dont even disrespect RANDOM SLUTS as bad as she disrespected me. how could she do that? im talking about archetypical degenerate, mudshark, casual sex, 30+ dicks, bastard babies, stupid retarded corrupted white skanks. i treat them with the utmost disrespect as a group, and she treated me worse than THAT. showed me less respect than THAT.

if i know someone as an INDIVIDUAL, that counts for something. if i god forbid knew one of those sluts, i would probably treat her with more respect as i would the GROUP. on an individual one on one basis, i try to treat EVERYONE with respect.

the idea she could do that to ME. someone she was once Good Close Friends with. its MIND BOGGLING.

QUOTE

trpalternate 55 points 1 year ago
For the married guys in here, I’ll add one thing that I learned from experience: If you’re faced with passive-aggressive behaviour, ignoring it will, at best, postpone the problem. Passive aggression isn’t the same thing as a veiled shit test. The entire purpose of being passive-aggressive is to niggle at you until either you become cowed by guilt and fear of disapproval, or until you set some boundaries.

You have to confront passive-aggressive behaviour, preferably immediately. When you do so, be firm but not aggressive or angry. Make sure you shoot down any denials (e.g. “I didn’t mean to hurt you”). Also, don’t let her flip the script back on you. If she tries to deflect with something like how you don’t do enough dishes, you can say something like “We’re not talking about dishes. We’re talking about [Insert passive-aggressive action].

Set limits and follow through. Make sure that she knows that further behaviour like that will not be tolerated. Also tell her that if if there is a problem, she is to state it to you directly.

In my case, about an hour after the discussion, she asked me to apologize for getting upset with her. The absurdity of the situation got the better of me and I let a chuckle slip out. Then I told her that she was the one in the wrong, so she will be doing the apologizing. She did. One year in, and that was the last passive-aggressive snipe I have ever dealt with from her.

END

https://web.archive.org/web/20160107223756/http://illimitablemen.com/2014/12/14/the-shit-test-encyclopedia/

gotta dig into this.

you know it seems like less of a shit test and more that she was JUST AVOIDING ME. SHIT TESTS means theyre still INTERESTED, conditionally of course. avoiding you means they just have no interest whatseover.

avoiding is not a shit test.

therefore it was not a shit test that i failed.

anyway they way the more sex obsessed game types talk about women, you think, god damn these women are disgusting, are all women like that? and the gamers would say yes of courshe. all women are immature little cheaters and sluts. i dont like that idea hahahaha.

it sucks to find a Decent Woman and they do something really bad.

why cant they just disappoint you A LITTLE? they have to disappoint you WORSE THAN YOU COUL EVER IMAGINE.

and i dont give people shit tests. i realize even MEN ive each other shit tests all the time, but i dont even do that.

these PUAs are clearly degenerate and the women they fook are clearly degenerate, and i hate to think that All Women Are Like That. that SHE is like that.

maybe she was just chill and nondramatic because she partook a lot of MJ. do i REALLY want to be with a woman who does a lot of MJ? turning your mind to MUSH, and probably makes you MORALLY LAZY as well? not being able to do the right thing when the time comes?

well i wanted to do MJ with her, chill out and cuddle together, and i just cared that she was not a slut. had a low number.

https://heartiste.wordpress.com/2008/12/29/its-easy-to-identify-a-slut/

hehehehe

https://goodbyeamericainaphoto.wordpress.com/

i think heartiste has another blog and this is it

heartiste was one of the first guys i read that really got me thinking, and i still come back to him. i read him when i was an approval seeking shitlib. helped me see the error of muh ways! and he is still great. i think he is probably on board with pro white K selected family stuff.

https://heartiste.wordpress.com/2010/09/16/why-sluts-make-bad-wives/

i like how he mansplains stuff that really shouldnt need an article to mansplain. why do sluts make bad wives?

TO ASK THE QUESTION IS TO ANSWER IT!

oh dear god. beta college boy dating dominant abusive woman, she goes batshit breaking shit making noise, cops called, they make them visit a college counselor, girl complains about man being WEAK and counselor says that Your Weakness is a Triggering Issue for her, maybe you should work on that mkay hahahahaha. so you dont force her to beat you with a shovel.

yeah this guys a huge pussy and doesnt even deserve an abusive gf…….but even weak unmanly shitlib sjw swpl phaggots dont deserve to be abused and threatened by their relship partners!

degen icelandic feminist whores sing triggering song about how they are huge buttsluts who love to take it up the ass. because it destroys patriarchy and destroys toxic masculinity and shows solidarity with oppressed gays. an acceptable form of appropriation hahaha. also stick it to the prudish squares. let your white daughter become a horrible anal wh0re hehehehe.

https://heartiste.wordpress.com/2015/08/27/white-nationalist-game/

heh heartiste might be ONE OF US hahahaha

http://archive.is/EuSlG

8pol thread related

ive been rejected by women before……but this one has been THE WORST.

yeah i will survive, i am probably getting a little better, but shit. at this point my woman hating levels are THROUGH THE ROOF.

but the good news is that more pro-white than ever before. i might even just admit that I Am A “White Nationalist.”

well i dont like labels, but i am definitely not Anti White Nationalist! And I Am White and HOLY FOOK I LUV BEING WHITE!!!!!!!! and I feel great loyalty to my RACE.

prior to 2012 i was very open to Race Realism but I didnt want to apply the label to myself. Was not all hardcore 1488 hahahaha. but when i got rejected by woman2012 i decided to go all in and be like fook it. i hate nonwhites and women hahahaha. im not trying to win any bitches approval. if anything i want to signal for white women who also believe in the 14 words like me!!!!!!!!!! and countersignal to fooking mudsharks, race traitors, sluts, etc.

oh i can fook whoever i want whenever i want and its not cheating because i never agreed that our rel was MONOGAMOUS hahahahahaha ayyyyyyy lmao idk ikr tbh fam smh

i hate it when bitches harshly dump you because you didnt READ THEIR MIND correctly. and asked for clarification about the complicated issues. i thought women LOVED to TALK about COMPLICATED DRAMA. sometimes but not always. sometimes theyd just rather show you shitloads of hostile disrespect, more disrepect than you would show the dirtiest whore, they show to YOU, even though you were a important part of each others LIVES for YEARS. nope. it dont matta. nunnadis mattas. WHO CARES. MEANS NOTHING. you’re just worthless garbage. like you never existed.

I GAVE HER MANY CHANCES. SHE GAVE ME NO CHANCE.

went to Gym and focused mostly on my new incline fetish. no its not a fetish, its just a new interest. SCHLOMO wants to denigate all your HEALTHY interests into “fetishes.” well that said, there are actual fetishes, and they are degenerate and should be shamed and shunned. but dont call a healthy gym thing a fetish cuz its not.

anyway went all out there on at least a 5% incline if not 6, and now feel much more tired and like the muscles got a serious Workout. so i can have a nice Muscular Ass so Tyrone and Mohamed can Pozz me and i can be a good Power Bottom hahahahaha. hahahahaha. no thats obv degenerate af.

but yeah that was good ultimately. think i am getting a cold tho. that is not good but hay at least i dont have to go into the Contact Center with 50 other hacking coughing sneezing people and answer phones all day.

i was suprised at how FEW blacks there were there. because blacks in Contact Centers will often give you the runaround and say they cant help you, get this info and call back, because they dont want to put in the effort and thought to solve the problem. however whites care and whites have real empathy and actually honestly want to help you, so they put their own quality scorecard and therefore their jobs at risk by taking longer to help you. and then bringing work problems home with them, studying in between shifts, until they go crazy and either go postal, K others, K themselves, or quit, because they dont want to be like a black and just quit. well i am willing to quit a job because i am a spoiled neet and a disgrace to my white race!

if the job were less ridiculous i might not have quit it. if SHE wasnt there i definitely would not have quit it. i was not man enough to take both struggles and stressors at once. i broke down like a little omega neet fuccboi boipucci neet wizard virgin manlet with no agency. a piece of white trash hahahaha. even white TRASH was good enough to hold onto the job!

but yeah her karma is a lot worse than mine. its bad karma to quit a job…….but not super bad. -1 to her -20. -30, -50.  it is horrible karma to ABORT or DELETE someone from your life that you had A Good Relationship with for a matter of YEARS. how would ANYONE react to that? even the most normie chad would be PRETTY DAMN UPSET.

and thank god i dont have to LIVE with that hanging over my head forever! she will just push it down deep though and Forget It All. It Never Happened. is THIS REALLY the kind of person I want to be sharing the rest of my life with? OF COURSHE NOT!

but it sucks that she is capable of treating some OTHER guy right and being a great wife to HIM! but she decided I wasnt worthwhile enough to treat with even a LITTLE respect. im not asking for a LOT. im asking for a LITTLE, and IMHO i had a Reasonable Expectation to a Little. and i want reasonable good wifeworthy less than 3 dix women to agree with me on that.

I was BTFOd. COMPLETELY. BTFOD. did i deserved to get BTFOd? no. at worst i deserved to have her bitch at me for a little bit, but that would involve talking to me. she couldnt even care enough to talk to me to bitch at me. damn.

how can someone who you were so close to you, do something SO COLD to you?

i figured she didnt like like me, but I also thought that she LIKED me as a person a LOT. put a lot of VALUE on me. and when people VALUE you, they don’t TUALAPOG/Abort/Delete you.

shift+delete you!

so now if someone says or acts like they value me as a person, how am i to know theyre not bullshitting?

and i dont think she WAS bullshitting.

blame it on the fooking MJ. the DEVILS cabbage. the HERBAL J00. it CLOUDS YOUR MIND and stupid stoners LAFF about that (“the halflings pipe-leaf has Clouded Their Mind” LOLOLOLOLOLOL) and laff about that, without realize it can cloud your mind on very IMPORTANT shit, like making decisions of MORALITY and doing the right thing. throw this person away then just smoke w33d for years and its like IT NEVER HAPPENED. cheat, kill your baby, neglect your children, and just smoke w33d all the time and its like the shit never happened.

see when i smoked weed, if i wasnt anxious as fook, i felt GUILTY for being a bad horrible weak shitty person. smoking w33d would certain INCREASE my guilt if I did something HORRIBLE to another person!

but it doesnt appear to have that effect on her at all! nope! just chills her right out!

is this the type of woman you want to share the rest of your life with? mother of your children? just because shes WHITE and under 30 and doesnt have any bastard kids????

but you get along really really well and feel really close to hahahaha.

maybe i was just so desperate for a woman that that desperation finally sparked my feelings. and if i had real OPTIONS, i would see how she should not be the first priority.

but i had no options. no plates spinning hahahaha.

maybe if i did, she would have wanted me. lawd knows when SHE had some changes in HER relship status, that sparked MY interest and pushed me over the edge!

When she had a Long Term BF, i had no interest in luv, or secs, as women prefer to call it hahahaha.

when that rel ended, i said HMMM. i really get along with this woman very well, we are good close friends, shes not unattractive, shes got no kids, shes got really nice hair and white skin and legs, shes super nice, she treats me well…….HMMM.

(she did not use me as a Beta Orbiter Crying Shoulder Emotional Support, so that was good? although i was very willing to give her emo support if she neeeded it.)

then there was the biggest regret time of july 2014 where we hung out and she was super nice to me, but i was still going HRMMMM and did not make a move.

but its very possible that she was just nice to me because she was NORMALLY nice to me! but once she figured out i might like her…..she became very NOT nice to me. bad sign hahahaha. and imho much more than a shit test or bitch shield.

yep this whole tragic sad story illustrates the tragedy of white trash. they are our white kith and kin and we should treat them as such…..but they are just so goddamn heartbreakingly disappointing. they can come SO CLOSE to shaking off the Trashy aspect and fully embrace their white potential…..but at their highest point, they Choose Poorly and start sinking back into the muck and the mud forevermore. but you WANT to help them. you know what theyre capable of. you know they could be so much better if they just didnt make such bad choices and have such bad habits. usually broken families and drugs/alcohol. the damage schlomo does to these poor white families! it should make your white blood boil!

it almost feels like a religious calling for me. the one thing i am really passionate about in a world of despair and disappointment and failure, largely my own, is The White Race. it is essentially my religion. or as some WN thinkers would say, Nature’s Eternal Religion. Sounds good to me!

who do you hang out with if YOU YOURSELF are the negative influence, and no healthy normies want to hang out with losers? You wouldnt hang out with a loser like you! you know well enough that you should SHUN losers, because bad company brings you down!

well…..hehehehe its not true that i wouldnt hang out with me. ID HANG OUT WITH ME SO HARD. i am pleasantly surprised by my confidence there. i am completely unconfident i can get a job or get a woman, but i am very confident that i am hangoutwithable and that i can lose weight.

of courshe it doesnt help manlets like me to lose weight because if you are under 5’10 you are INVISIBLE to women, they dont care if youre fat or thin. (disqualifying the positive)

well i could get a real shitty job like nonstop customer service in companies with VERY high turnover except by the most desperate, like me hahahaha.

and i could very likely get a 30 year old nonwhite woman, maybe a SQUAT GUAT or a Fat Laotian or a Fat Black Woman. Black Women are usually single and they actually like me. black women LOVE me and show me great interest. well not really but they are generally pretty nice to me. i could probably pull a 30 year old black woman with black kids if i were that desperate. and i dont want to be that desperate!

not that they dont deserve somebody 2 Luv! everybody deserves someone 2 Luv!

but as an avowed out of the closet White Nationalist 1488, Interracial Dating and especially MATING is, Y’KNOW, like kinda important to me!

ridiculous QUOTE from my own What 2 Say In An Interview File:
Economics has taught me that everything has a COST. Also about the laws of supply and demand. Marketing has taught me how to create demand and add value.

do not trash you current company when interviewing for a new job. If they ask you why you are leaving, tell them you are happy with what you accomplished at old company but are looking for a place that can provide longer term growth and challenges.

You HAVE to have a thick skin. You HAVE to be able to take “hazing”, whether its from clients or co workers. They probably dont mean it personally, and more importantly, you have to control your emotions, not let them control you. It may be that the person is testing you to see how you deal under pressure. Of course its under pressure that our true self comes out, and we have the chance to really prove ourselves…or choke. If its a coworker simply trying to get under your skin, you can let their words roll right off of you like water off a ducks back, and even give them a taste of their own medicine. If its a client, you simply ignore the disrespect and “kill them with kindness.” In short, in the real world, people don’t always treat you the way you would like to be treated, and you can’t let it bother you, or you won’t get far in life. Sometimes people also push you or test you to see how much they can get away with, and whether or not you will be flustered by verbal jibes or japes. I have self respect and wont allow myself to be treated as a doormat, however I also know how to respect authority and submit when a superior is ordering me to do something. I personally do not usually test people in this way. I simply use the golden rule and treat everybody the way I want to be treated, and I want to be treated with RESPECT.

you can’t just have a Big Picture View. You have to have a Tiny Picture View as well. Super Macro AND Super Micro. you need to be like the EAGLE soaring above at 5000 feet, and be able to see a mouse on the ground below, and zoom in on it with laser like precision. Essentially zoom in from a 5000 foot view to a 1 foot view in a second, with equal clarity at both levels, and at all levels in between. What good is someone who can see super macro and super micro, but they cant discern the large gray area in between? You might see the forest, and you might see a tree…..but could you see HALF the trees? I bring a wide range of accuracy and detail to thought and vision. I am efficient working and solving problems at ALL levels.

Efficiency without effectiveness is not efficient.

Effectiveness without efficiency is not effective.

END

I literally have at least 8 hours of me reading the bullshit in that huge file. not sure how many pages it is, but it is 44000 words, which is about 6-7 times longer than this post so far.

WHAT IF once she hits 30 she contacts me and wants to get Together 4 Realz and fully apologizes and feels bad for what she did. Would I be stupid and desperate enough to accept? probably, if that were the end of the story.

so start adding layers of Red Flags.

what if she has a bastard kid from some deadbeat.

what if the bastard is half BLACK.

what if she has TWO white bastards.

she would CERTAINLY have elevated her number above the National Median of 3. But would she be above 10? 20?

if she had NONE of these dealbreakers i probably would.

she would probably be making more money than me anyway ayyy lmao.

what if she had had x abortions during that time?

assuming a woman would tell you the truth about the number of ABORTIONS she’s had. they are more likely to tell the truth about the number of COX they’ve had! unless they are an out and out abortion lover and baby life hater, in which case……very big red flag.

at 30 she would prob still look ok (unless she doesnt!!!!) but she would look a hell of a lot worse than she looks now! she still has a valuable couple of years before she hits 30!

but i’m OVER 30 ffs!!!!!!!

so what. i would have married young if i had the opportunity. i didnt. or i was too weak to MAKE the opportunity. so now im an older man who wants a younger woman. that is pretty natural actually tbh fam.

but i totally would have married young if i were in a good, healthy, LTR with a young, decent woman. i wouldnt throw it away for some grass is greener bullshit, or some Discover Yourself and Experience The “World” bullshit that women do hahahahaha. and throw away good men who loved them and would have been good husbands for them.

well also if i had a decent career too would be a plus. the Top 10% of Whites do have good careers at age 21. you just got to OUTCOMPETE people to get there and be the 10% best in your field. i did not do this obviously.

though i was in the top 10% for grade school and high school! then became Perfectly Average 50% in college, and after college, my stock kept falling and falling hahahahaha to the point where i wont even state the basics of my life because its just too shameful. basically a huge underachieving white neet. nothing BUT shame in my game!

for rich or poorer, for better or worse, through good times or bad. i never met a bitch that was willing to stick with me through the tuff times.

i guess thats not TOO weird. you gotta EARN it. its a STRUGGLE. its a hero’s quest to find your true maiden. i get that.

but uhhhhh how about you just show me a shred of mercy when you BOLT at the first sign of struggle. say SORRY for leaving me in the lurch before you go jump on the c0k carousel.

im not even sure wordly sluts know of the term cok carousel. ive used the term around men who loved it, well that there was a word for that sort of thing, but ive never used it in conversation with women.

they would probably say ewww thats nasty but still essentially BE ON the cok carousel as they say that.

harder to rationalize away that cognitive dissonance after youre 30 and unmarried. better have a baby with the next deadbeat so you can have some meaning in your life and have someone to chain to you, because its sure as hell not going to be a Good Man. so just use an defenseless, innocent little Human Life you irresponsibly created, B!TCH!

hahahahahaha def a bit of an Anger sort of day.

this is why its hard to get along with women and be friends with them. cuz they are such horrible people hahahaha. so its amazing i even FOUND a woman i got along with very well, and became good friends! you can pump and dump MONSTERS, but can you really Like and Respect them? of COURSHE not!

with couples who are always breaking up and getting back together with each other 10 times, they are still talking and fooking and can actually EXPRESS this sort of anger with each other, instead of just leaving the person alone in their own hell which you had a 50% hand in creating.

and after arguing and arguing and breaking up and getting back together 10 times, BOTH people can say, welp theres no gas left in the tank anymore. this is a dead shark. we are BOTH done. i dont hate you, i wish you well, but this rel is dead, and neither one of us can or wants to bring it back. thanks for the good times, and have a good life.

i SO much would have preffered that. THAT would have been 6000000 times better than TUALAPOG.

just let both parties argue and scream until there is nothing left to say, no gas left in the tank, no anger left, no luv left. that would be SO FOOKIN AWESOME. I WOULD LUV THAT. GIMME THAT ALL DAY OVER THIS.

hmm. in like sept and oct 2014, when i was JUST STARTING to get feelings for her, i was like a BOSS. i didnt like my job but i wasnt in danger of QUITTING IT due to Emotional Insecurity; I said YEP i am gonna TALK to her SOON and get that over with, whats next. hopefully find a better job and get the fook outta here and maybe get a Nice GF for once in my life, maybe. I even used a bit of Playful Tuff Guy Chad GAME with her, saying, I’ll pick where were going (because i know thats how to Win Gurls Approval hahahahaha) and such.

then she had a series of GOOD excuses as well as not so good excuses. tgiving and xmas and new years passed….and NO HANG OUT. i was frustrated. I HAD NOT SEEN THIS COMING. I THOUGHT FOR SURE we would have hung out and talked about this by now.

then job got even worse, and i got even worse, and the excuses got worse. i texted her cutesy shit almost every day and got Warm Fuzzies when she responded. but i had dozens of text drafts i DIDNT send her. that were basically playful fun ways of me telling her i liked her. shit i should have just send some of those. then i would have saved a few months, she prob wouldnt have reacted AS bad, and the issue would be out there.  blurting it out does not have to be all serious. it could have been any one of those dozens of silly texts.

heh. DONT YOU EVEN CARE HOW MY LIFE IS GOING, YOU STUPID COWARDLY B1TCH!!!!!!

i could be dead, in a psych ward, started drinking again, in jail for all she knows.

not that i would EVER K myself over a woman and more importantly, i’d never threaten a woman with that, because thats really really horrible apparently hahahahahaha. then you are the bad guy. then you DID do something horribly wrong and not be aware of it.

WELL I NEVER DID THAT and hopefully never will.

heh. she is prob busy with the busy time at the job right now. hopefully getting the same confusing bullshit I got. i want it to get under HER skin and her to get flustered and frustrated so she knows how I felt. and then have her work friends STAHP giving her moral support. but when has a WOMAN ever stahpped getting moral support. someone is always there to hold their hand through the tuff times hahahahaha. but we MEN do it ALONE.

well i got moral support from other people than her thank god. but it was so disappointing to see someone whod once been your Real Life Friend, shrink back to your Work Friend, to just a Work Acquaintance, to NOBODY.

it happens. but i never left a person in the lurch when they were reaching out to me. i ALWAYS responded and apologized. even if it was kinda half hearted hahahaha. also no one was ever really that DESPERATE to reach out to me. but if they WERE, id respond to them. try to ease their worried mind at least a LITTLE bit. show them a LITTLE kindness to someone who was once my friend.

thats all i wanted hahahaha. just a LITTLE kindness. not a lot.

 

 

AN IMPOSSIBILITY UPON AN IMPOSSIBILITY

1117

well i want to start on my affirmations again, i started a new file and am trying to practice them. real flashcard type stuff. for example:

POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS ABOUT THE SELF
created: 11 16 2015

I deserve a partner who loves me for who I am and treats me kindly.

I deserve a job which recognizes and rewards my skills.

I am a great communicator.

I have great interpersonal skills.

Dear GOD Please help me. (might be too desperate hahaha)

I deserve kindness and open communication in a relationship.

I am not an abuser and did not deserve the harsh way I was treated.
(they say not to use “not” but cant think of better way to phrase it)

I like and respect women when I get to know them individually.

I am working to overcome adversity and be a man.

I am dealing with legitimately stressful and traumatic life events.

I accept that Its Over Forever.

I cannot make her change her mind even if shes making a mistake.

I do not want to be with someone who would have to be coerced into being with me.

It is legit devastating to lose someone important to you; it will take a long time to get through this protracted pain, but I am doing it day by day.

I will treat myself like I would treat a beloved friend. For whom I would only want the best. Give them solace, comfort, and the truth.

It takes a long time to stop loving somebody, about a year. I am getting through it and facing it one day at a time.

I do not hate or judge anyone. I treat people as individuals.

I am a good worker and worthy of being hired into a 15DAHJ.

It is legit VERY painful to be dumped by someone you love. I didnt want the rel to end. That’s why it takes a long time to get over. I was not ready for the rel to end.

It legit hurts to be abandoned.

its harder to get over when you are the dumpee because you didnt want it to end.

But I am getting over it one day at a time.

I provide excellent customer service.

I genuinely want to help custmers, clients, people in general.

I am worthy of attenion and love from women.

I am constantly improving every day in every way (hahahaha)

////

so there it is. i am just starting out.

went to the fatness last night for 2 hours of treadmill and got about 7.2 miles in with decent amount of jogging at 5 and 6 mph. got extremely sweaty, pouring sweat, shirt ridiculously soaked with sweat, often as young women were using the treadmill right next to me. surprisingly and pleasantly, i did not care. i was secure and comfortable with my sweaty hairy potato body. wiping my sweaty face with a damn paper towel.

now did i not care because i hated and felt contempt for the woman? like oh shes a slut she can go suck d’s and ride the cock carousel anyway? uhhhh i hope not.

That Person was in decent shape and had a very nice body and she did not go to the GYM at all. if she did she would just get MORE fawning attention hahahahahahahahaha from guys who wanted to fook and or luv her.

well its a good thing for me to go here and get rid of calories and such. i think this is the only way i could have a change at pulling a woman who doesnt look like a potato hahahaha. so maybe one day i could be worthy of the ugliest fattest gurl at the gym. who would be a marked step up from fat ugly women who dont go to the gym.

i really have the greatest sympathy for the fatties and oldies and uglies, because at least they are TRYING. they dont HAVE to be here. they could be watching talmudvision and stuffing their fat faces. but instead they are here huffing and puffing on the treadmill with me.

i tried the “elliptical” well i dont even know what it is called. you pedal with your feet in a vaguely walking elliptical shape while pumping the levels with your arms. it is like a very exagerrated shape based off running, but it feels like it would be easier on your joints and such, less impact. which is great, but even on level 1 it was kind of exhausting, way more exhausting than the treadmill. i watched people going at 5 mph average and i was like shit i can barely do 3 on this thing! 3 on this thing is twice as hard as 3 on the treadmill! i stayed on it for 10 minutes then went back to the treadmill.

the problem is people are always jogging. never walking. and when they are walking they are powerwalking at like 4 mph. my ideal pace is 2.8 mph. i dont care for constant powerwalking.  but all these people around me are always jogging like morons, so i have to jog moar; or i see a fit black man and then a fit white woman, and then i think, well, i’ve gotta directly compete with HIM for HER, and right now he is beating my ass in the competition.

these sound like hateful weird thoughts but they are not obsessive at all, i might be right next to the fit black guy and it doesnt bother me. what is 900000000000000000 times worse is the thoughts of THAT PERSON and also of trying to Rebuild Life.

might be getting sore throat or some kind of infection from being around all those damn people hahahaha.

it was like being at job in room with 50 sick people ahcking and coughing because they couldnt take unpaid time off because we were ON BLACKOUT, so they just came ot work sick, got everyone else sick, and everyone was answering a nonstop stream of phone calls trying to fix weird confusing shit where we knew even less than the caller, while trying to meet all our metrics and do things we didnt know how to do, al while explaining things we didnt understand to the callers hahahahaha while hacking and coughing and

even in 1964 the beatles were totally degenerate with songs like “a hard days night.” ok he was talking about working all day, and there are a number of songs like this, but the impression i get was that they are complaining about tedious factory work which was available in the west in the 60s to working class unskilled young men; rather than even lower paying and more anxiety inducing customer service work; because if youre anxious all the time, you cant be creative musically. you dont even want to LISTEN to music. anyway all the way back in 1964 they were making innuendoes to all the degen secs things they were gonna do to their Slag Shackjobs.

when did The Pill become widely available? 1968 (guessing)? so why such celebrations of recreational secs in 1964 then?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Combined_oral_contraceptive_pill

Although the FDA approved the first oral contraceptive in 1960, contraceptives were not available to married women in all states until Griswold v. Connecticut in 1965 and were not available to unmarried women in all states until Eisenstadt v. Baird in 1972.[89][93]

ok how about uk

In October 1961, at the recommendation of the Medical Advisory Council of its CIFC, the FPA added Searle’s Conovid to its Approved List of Contraceptives.[131] On December 4, 1961, Enoch Powell, then Minister of Health, announced that the oral contraceptive pill Conovid could be prescribed through the NHS at a subsidized price of 2s per month.[132][133] In 1962, Schering’s Anovlar and Searle’s Conovid-E were added to the FPA’s Approved List of Contraceptives.[111][129][130]

so in other words, unmarried slags could easily get the pill in UK before in USA, by the time of beatles 1964.

i wonder if getting rejected by a decent marriageable woman is more painful than getting rejected by a dirty single mom slut.

hell yes! because its ACTUALLY someone you would WANT to be with long term! its a higher quality person! and you cant blame it on them being a fickle stupid whore, but rather on yourself for not being quality enough of a man!

but at any rate, even if that person was a quality marriageable woman……..the way she rejected me was not classy at all. THIS IS NOT THE WAY A DECENT WOMAN REJECTS A MAN.

yeah i just cant be a real mgtow because i want women too much. i dont want to exclude women from my life. i dont want to quit women. i would rather keep enduring damn heartbreak and disappointment for the change to make it work even just one time with one woman. maybe i would be willing to hang out with damn stupid sluts. provided they are in their 20s, dont have kids, and are attractive hahahaha. its probably better to have meaningless slutsex than never be with women at all ever. then when you get demoralized by the slutsex, just quit.

but recreational casual slutsex CAN teach a man to become a better MAN, whereas it teaches women NOTHING about being a better woman. its makes them a WORSE woman.

Richter, Max:Sleep: Path 19 (yet frailest)

something i heard on the classical station yesterday that really grabbed me

very nice. new music does not usually grab me.

this was super chill yet sad and i thought this is like the theme music to my life hahahahahaha

when you GET DUMPED by someone you luv, it takes a LONG TIME to get over fully, as in, to stop thinking of them every day, to have them fade into the past, for you to be ready to luv someone else. or maybe even like them. yes the fact that they dumped you when you didnt want to get dumped is VERY relevant and makes it SUPER painful.

i didnt want it to end. i wanted it to get stronger. i was in luv with her. and then that all came VIOLENTLY to an end, of her initiation. you think thats NOT gonna hurt for a long time? you think ANYONE would get over that quickly? only a SOCIOPATH COULD get over quickly.

she will get over it quickly because

1. she didnt have any feelings

2. she WANTED it to end.

i had a TON of feelings, and i SO didnt want it to end, and it ended in the most trainwreck way possible. so OF COURSE it will take a lonnnnngggggg time to get over. something would be wrng with me if it DIDNT take a LONG time!!!!!

do i have shyness, or social anxiety? wtfs the difference. i have both hahahaha.

so what do i say when describing this woman to future women? just say i Dated her for 2 and half years and i got dumped? cuz Women Wouldnt Understand how I could LOVE someone i never FOOKED. cuz FOOKING is the be all end all for Most Women hahahaha.

fook it. i will just get patronizing and say you dont have to FOOK someone to LOVE them. LOVE is build on trust and long term compatibility. which we had. therefore i luved her.

Proverbs 26:11 King James Version (KJV)

11 As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly.

hahahahahaha i know i had heard that one before. i guess dogs eat their own puke. why not.

hey come on when a gurl TRULY LUVS a man and HE dumps her, how do you think SHE feels? HORRIBLE! DEVASTATED! and it takes a LONG time to FULLY get over him. USUALLY it drives them to do real stupid things: casual secs, stalking him, remaining in constant contact, behaving REALLY SHAMEFULLY in other words, and i have done none of that. i am not deluded. i still want her to change her mind…….but i know she wont.

1118

In my experience it’s usually a waste of time and energy, when someone treats you with utter contempt, to respond with respect.

says a commenter on youtube.

well i tried to treat her with kindness and luv, not sure if i was capable of “respect” , but i was like pleeeeeeeeease work with me her, please talk to me.

how can it NOT be harder to be the dumpee. you DONT WANT the rel to end. they do, and THEY end it. meanwhile you are flailing and grasping saying please no dont leave me i dont want this to end.

supposedly they might feel guilt later but still. i think it is way worse to be the dumpee. cuz you never wanted it to end.

had a stupid dream where she sent me a long text message. i didnt even read the whole thing which was weird. i immediately called her but got voice mail. i left a long voice message saying thank you for contacting me, i really really want to talk to you, im not mad at you, please lets reconnect, please lets talk asap, call me, email me, text me, please respond. i cant remember what exactly the text message she sent me said. why didnt i read it closely? possib because it didnt matter to me, just the fact that she was contacting me at all. she could have been saying sorry i dont have feelings for you but lets be friends again if you promise not to be weird hahahahaha.

well it wasnt my feelings itself that was weird, it was the fact that we could never have 10 minutes alone privately to talk. i didnt want to talk at the job. i really couldnt. it was an unchill place and all the discussions were about the job, becuase you knew in less than 10 minutes you were gonna go back inside that building and get slammed with something ridiculous. you couldnt have a serious conversation about Life.  thats why i wanted to hang out outside of work!!!! like we used to!! before i scared her away by being weird weirdo hahahaha. and this is seriously the level of analysis by Some Women. asking them to consider WHY he was being so weird is an Exercise In Futility.

but yeah i dont really WANT to be a MGTOW, cuz its kinda SAD. in some ways i do NEED a woman, in that i feel it is My Calling to one day Be With a Special Woman, rather than never having that happen. i found a woman that was Super Special. my search was done. now i just had to have her want to be with me. finding the decent woman is one impossibility. having her WANT to be with you is another impossibility.

its an impossibliity upon an impossibility!

she had some “baggage” but it was not dealbreaking baggage. like if a gurl has ever been raped or molested or abused as a young gurl, that really messes them up. or if they have gone through a big slut phase, having casual recreational secs with all their many male friends.

she had no good father figure which was potential baggage, but she wasnt raped or abused and never became a slut, had a decent mother, never had that rebellious phase where the teen gurls start doing drugs and slutting it up and really seeking tons of male attention. all those pitfalls for gurls with absent fathers. she avoided them thankfully. grew up to be a decent woman with morals and values. and it hurts a lot more when these women reject you. cuz its a decent marriageable woman. something of real value is lost. you are losing someone that is truly important to you and not just some dirty gutter slut.

well to my credit i have not fallen for dirty gutter sluts in like 6 years.

but its more painful to be rejected by decent good women.

i have to live with the fact that i will NEVER fully understand this situation and why she did that. because she was angry because i was weird. so I was the root cause, me and my weirdness. well i was being weird because she was being distant! and it hurts when someone is good to you then they stop being good to you!

Some Women do this all the time. just lose interest. or turn cold.

i have never Just Lost Interest in somebody I was once close to. I have drifted apart from people due to time and distance, where it seemed kind of mutual. but if they contacted me i always eventually responded respectfully. i appreciate the friendship we once had.

IT HURTS TO BE ABANDONED! i cant believe i need to explain this to All You Women! I KNOW you’ve been abandoned before! by your fathers, by deadbeat badbois who you were in luv with and never lost interest in.

but yeah to get BORED with a PERSON because they were interesting like a new shiny toy one minute…..then the next minute you move onto the next new shiny thing, discarding and replacing the “old” one (really only a few weeks or months “old.”)

talk about OBJECTIFICATION!

how do you think that makes the discarded person feel? that they were only interesting enough to hold your damn attention for a few weeks/months?

then they may blame themselves but of course its really the damn womans fault. treating people like Interest Objects, new shiny toys that quickly lose their luster.

it speaks more of the woman than of the “toy”/man!!!!!!

“but if you were more interesting, i wouldnt lose interest in you”

do any of your REAL friends say that about you?

but These/Some women arent your real friends. they arent loyal to you, they dont like you for who you are, they just wanted recreational secs with you, decided that even that was too WEIRD, and then dumped you hahaha.

i think men naturally want to be with women. and the marxist sexual revolution and the pill and abortion and “womens lib” and all that affected women directly. and by affecting women it affected men.

NEVER give women loyalty that they haven’t EARNED. no they cannot earn loyalty by secs, although they used to, before they became MERCENARIES. not a good way to be. the best way they can earn your loyalty is through THEIR loyalty. note how loyal they are to you and make an effort to be NO MORE LOYAL than THAT.

THis can be challenging because its in men’s nature to be loyal.

women naturally have a pandoras box within them that naturally must be suppressed or managed or held back.

that seems kind of weird. i mean why should your natural state be destructive?

are woman naturally r-selected? if anything women should be K selected and men r selected. so i dont think thats the point exactly.

well i think sensible women dont WANT to be promiscuous chad chasers. and they DO view secs as the serious thing WHICH IT IS. they realize that casual sex is bad for woman, and that sex is for reproduction FIRST, and pleasure a very distant second, even if the pleasure might be substantial. but that is ONLY in service of the PRIMARY goal: to REPRODUCE. to have babies. for which women have the lions share of the responsibility because they CARRY the child. they GET PREGNANT.

how can women not understand this, as women? because theyve been brainwashed and their mothers have been brainwashed. therefore i have to Mansplain and Cissplain (hahahahaha) what it means to be a woman hahahaha.

but really have i had to cissplain all that to actual live women? no not really. because i never associated with women who were Like That. I Chose My Women carefully hahahahahaha. so its all the more disappointing when they reject me hahaha.

i am tempted to contact other people to contact her on my behalf, but certainly she would see that as further PROOF of my weirdness and try to slander me as WEIRD to those people. she probably already HAS. like oh i stopped talking to him because he was acting totally WEIRD and it made me FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE. oh well that settles it, he’s the bad guy, you dump him to the curb gurlfran, what a piece of shit he is for making you feel uncomfortable! thats as bad as abuse or rape!

when the sensible thing to say was, well he was just being weird cuz he had feelings for you and you kept blowing him off, he wasnt a bad guy, you should at least write him an email, he is probably heartbroken, and you dont want that on your conscience.

tfw a person shows INTEREST in you, then over time they lose that interest. it hurts. i cant believe i have to spell this out. but do i really?

did i feel ABANDONED by the previous women who rejected me? well kinda. but this one is worse. the feeling that they just GIVE UP on you. then you go between well why dont you just GIVE ME A CHANCE, and oh shit i am just worthless, thats why they gave up on me.

but i never had someone just run/walk away from me like this. they always sat me down and talked to me in the other cases. i was still upset and mad at them, in fact i was MORE mad at them! and i still wanted to make them change their mind.

i want to be more mad at her, rather than making excuses like she was overwhelmed and bewildered and i caused all this, i was the root cause. well i do get mad at her sometimes though.

its harder to get over when you are the dumpee because you didnt want it to end.

but yeah it showed me no luv or no regard. and i was so touched to have gotten True Positive Interest from her in the past. that warmed my heart to have a nice purty young woman show interest and kindness to me and certainly set the stage for me getting feelings. it is nice to have purty young women be nice and friendly to you. showing that Feminine Warmth in that unique way only a woman can. then they take it all away and leave you with that horrible coldness that only women can. like night and day. maybe she was just bipolar. i dunno. i will never know.

i dont want anyone else. i still want her. that is a sign i am still not over her. which is fine. i said it would take a long time to start wanting anybody else, at least a year.

but yeah i still want to see an email from her in my inbox saying sorry for everything, i overreacted, i shouldna done that, please forgive me. when at the end i was begging her to forgive ME, hahahahaha.

its funny, she thinks she is in the right, and i am always blaming myself, playing right into her story. when really she was more at fault. and also its a shitty thing to just abandon people like that, she SHOULD apologize.

its not like she was going through the motions because she was afraid to DUMP me. there were no motions to go through. we werent fooking or “in a rel.” she just wanted to DUMP me without saying anything about it. best of both worlds!

like when a women in a rel “checks out” and “goes through the motions” but she still fooks the man and spends time with the man, becuase she is too cowardly to dump him outright.

well she wasnt too cowardly to dump me, but she was too cowardly to dump with Talking! or even a text! or a post it note!

i know she had been abandoned before and that is a precursor to this, but i never been aware of HER abandoning someone until now.

she never abandoned her boifrans. she didnt really abandon her friends, she did let friends drift away because they were drugged up losers, and thats a valid reason for letting someone drift away.

god damn i wish she would come to her senses with Hindsight and see that she was out of line.

i was a little out of line. but she was waaaaayyyyyy out of line.

but she had some family issues and couldnt think straight.

well i had some other issues and couldnt think straight either hahahaha.

but its weird. most women experience by age 19 what i have been trying to experience even since like age 13: a loving monog longterm rel with intimacy and secs.

now for them they dump him when they are in their 20s because they want more adventure and excitement and to really discover themselves, break hsi heart, and become a huge slut hahahaha.

well she didnt even do that. ! if anything her bf dumped HER or at least they both mutually wanted out of it because it was filled with fooking problems and arguments. there was no one person begging the other person to stay. please stay, please reconsider, please change your mind, please dont dump me!

yeah my trainwreck was ANYTHING BUT MUTUAL. it literally felt like being thrown under the bus.

went to the DMV and it was both better and worse than expected. it was the middle of the day so only unemployed bums like me can go at this time and it still took forever hahaha. there was an ad saying they were hiring temporary positions at 11DAH. i thought about this before even getting there, and i figured, WELL, its a STATE agency, therefore they HAVE to start out at at LEAST 15DAH, and have GREAT benefits, and union, and 37.5 work week, and paid overtime for every hour of overtime rather than expecting you to work 60 hours a week with no OT because you are salaried-Exempt.

nope 11DAH temp and probably no benefits becuase you are classified as a temp?

besides benefits always suck unless you sign up before getting cancer.

a “bogan” is an australian CHAV or white trash hahahaha.

yeah that machine at the gym that i didnt like as much as the treadmill was indeed what could be called an “elliptical” haha

yeah its just fooking gay, i feel like i will never find another woman as good as her, its all downhill from here, i must have done something really bad to push away such a good person.

when REALLY all it was is, she never shared my feelings to begin with, we never went out, she wanted to be just friends, i didnt, she thought my feelings were weird, and everything ended. pretty common situation. it would be worse if she strung me along!

well then i would take the time to actually explain the shit to her.

 

DONT BOTTLE IT UP, BLURT IT OUT / THATLL DO, YA PIG

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it has been like 87 or so days, surviving barely. starting t get over it. might be 25% over it by now. therefore, 360 days to be 100% not bad! i have been predicting anywhere from 11 months to 1 year to 20 months. i will take 1 year! thats not too bad for a Complete and Total Heartbreak! I was In True Luv and got my heart ripped out and slaughtered!!!!!

so yeah. she was exhibiting many of dr gottmans “four horsemen of the apocalypse”, which are stonewalling, contempt, criticism, and….defensiveness

http://www.gottmanblog.com/four-horsemen/2014/10/29/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes

anyway perhaps defensiveness is a prelude to stonewalling. make the other person the bad guy by just shutting down so them even wanting to talk to you seems like an invasive act of aggression. dont violate me bad man. i dont have to talk!

no you really dont, but it would be really NICE.

these women of today hahahaha. they never want to work things out, they never want to try, they just want to QUIT. that feels bad man, when a woman would rather QUIT on you than work on shit, because they know they’re Just Not Into You At All. theres nothing to fix. just walk away.

well in my case i was always dumped essentially because there was no real feelings.

also its stupid that you have to bang a woman FAST or youll never get to bang her at all, otherwise she will put you in the friendzone hahahaha. what if you dont like women who move fast, because you rightfully think they are Sluts? Decent Women dont give it up Fast. they understand they can get preggers. even if they are on the whorepill hahahahahaha. they forget to take the pill one day, go out have have secs that night with some random guy or one of the fuccboiz, and boom a wild babby appears hahahahaha better go get it taken care of.

do i REALLY KNOW any women like this though?

just like i have the fantasy Perfect Angel women, i have the fantasy Horrible Whore woman, this evil Semen Demon that is the Imaginary Worst Woman Ever. but its not a real person, its imaginary, and then i assume all women are like that, just because she wears too much makeup, or she dresses like a slut hahahaha.

so i look for women who dont wear a lot of makeup and who dont dress ike sluts hahaha.

anyway i had most of the Four Horsemen in muh rel with the woman. except for criticism really because she just didnt talk to me enough.

well what did i learn. always communicate with the woman early. learn how to say WE NEED TO TALK. write them an email or text if she is not talking and you HAVE to say something. think from the very beginning, could you ever bang this girl? date this gurl? even if you are “respectful” of her rel with her boifran. force yourself to forget about the boifran and just meditate on you and her. is there anything there? tell the woman the INSTANT you think there is. constantly talk openly about her rel with the bf and your rel with her. shit try to bang her as soon as possible, becuase if it doesnt happen SOON, it will NEVER happen, and what if you wanted to date her 2 years in the future and she wont give you a chance because you didnt bang her when you first met her and didnt trust her or know her hahahahahahahaha. because that the best time for a woman to play Russian Roullette with Human Life. with guys she barely knows or trusts. see how the LEFT has degraded our women? in addition to promoting this kind of “IF IT FEELS GOOD, DO IT” and “Consent is the only thing that matters” view of sex for women, the LEFT also DESTROYS the nuclear family by removing fathers, who are crucial in raising well raised children. otherwise you children raised by Slut Single Mothers, and the children turn out to be Sluts, Bitches, Psychos, Deadbeats, Losers, Degenerates, Thugs, Sissies, Neckbeards, Failures.

anyway I DESERVED TO BE TREATED BETTER. I WAS WRONGED. I WAS SCREWED OVER.

well i think about woman3/2005. the closest to a dating rel i ever had. she dumped me but i dont think i realized It Was Over, becuase i continued to talk to her on the phone. but i didnt really hang out with her as much. well, i saw her and we talked and i helped her with moving and shit, but we never hung out one on one at night, where we could Make Out or even more. because she had dumped me you see. but i think i was thinking, well we can still make out and shit, i just have to be ok that she might do this with other guys too. i convinced myself that i didnt care. and because she was superficially nice to me still, i thought There Was A CHance.

so what happened. after a few months of this ambivalence, i began getting more angry and frustrated. i would see her and get mad and jealous. cuz i would see her hanging out with her ex boifran. that made me get mad. then i was just angry and passive aggressive at her a lot. then somewhere in there i managed to make out with her a little more. for about a week i was very hopeful we’d “get back together.” but really i had just worn her down with my abusive manipulation and she had no choice hahahahahahahahahaha.

but then i was mad again when we stopped making out, and i still saw her, and the “Ex” boifran, and was constantly angry at her, she was my “nemesis,” etc.

this is why its good to say ITS OVER, 100% and then to STOP talking and hanging out and seeing each other. so the Dumped/Dumpee knows that its REALLY over.

thats why i got so damn mad at her. but i forgave her eventually. took at least a year or even two for me to understand and forgive though hahahaha.

but yeah thats what happens when you get dumped and then you have to deal with the dumper on a regular basis afterwards. it is hard as fook and you get angry and stupid. and you are still desperate to try to get them back. horrible way to be. and you look like the bad guy because you are so angry and hateful and you look like a damn abuser. at that time i was getting horribly drunk and wrecking muh future.

she was too scared just to tell me “ITS OVER”. and i hated her and thought she was the worst person in the world, horrible slut, etc. now i think she was way less horrible than woman2015. she actually had at least 2 talks with me, the second time to say yeah i didnt think you liked me so much and this was hurting you so much, essentially apologizing or at least giving a shred of sympathy, like im sorry youre hurting so much, i didnt realize you had such deep feelz. so that was kinda kewl. but then i continued to be a bitch and was really not the better person. it was like i wanted to punish her for ever toying with me. but i was clearly stuck in the past and she had clearly moved on. looking at it now i am really embarrassed. i know i got drunk and did some stupid shit. not abusive but just showed it was still butthurt. the alcohol did not help. and i was drinking too much.

anyway thank god i am not doing that now. but anyway i prob had stronger feelings for woman2015 than woman2005 (aka woman3) ! and i KNOW that having WORK around her after she had rejected me was a recipe for disaster. i would have been a mix of anger at her, and desperately trying to “win her back” in a pathetic, angry way, like i can live without uuuuuuu hahahaha. also the job made me anxious enough. constant anxiety. and she gave me constant anxiety.

alot of that is on me because not everything in the world should give me such bad anxiety. but believe me this job would give even an average normie SOME anxiety, and same with the woman situation.

i guess the good news is……..oh yeah. i cant exist in any sort of friendzone. or as a “beta orbiter.” as soon as i get feelings for a gurl, i have to not Bottle It Up, and declare my feelings, and make the woman respond to it somehow. usually (aka always hahahaha) rejecting the feelings and our “friendship” ending. well because i am honest and essentially say i dont wanna be Just Friends any more, i want to be More THan Friends. then they say no and i say ok then IM done. this one jsut had that happen in the worst messiest stupidest way.

but there is no friendzone and etneral orbiter for ME!

DONT BOTTLE IT UP, BLURT IT OUT!

also ask yourself, is my female platonic friend attractive at all? how would i feel about fooking her? honestly. think abotu it for a couple weeks. what if she were single and available? basically….damn i hate to say force yourself to get feelings early! but maybe force yourself to get Secsual attraction early? this one is hard to describe.

all this assumes that you have met a decent woman who you get along with very well and now she is your friend and you were like wow that was easy, we really get along well, she is a really great person, too bad im not attracted to her, i hope she figures out stuff with her boifran.

then ask yourself: WHY are you not attracted to her? because of VALID reasons liek she’s fat or ugly or old or has kids? or for stupid ass autistic stupid INVALID reasons like “idk it feels weird” or she has a weird chin or a weird shaped head, but otherwise she is not ugly at all and is young, childless, nice skin, nice hair, etc.

what about STUMPY. or she has a very weird shaped Ass. well, i honestly dont like stumpy. weird shaped ass i can deal with a lot better than stumpy. woman2015 was the antithesis of stumpy, long arms and legs and that is kind my TYPE. her “weird shaped ass” was actually very NICE, but it was hard to tell what it looked like because she didnt wear SKIN TIGHT SLUT CLOTHES like most young women.

anyway. it sucks being so anxious at your job, getting your mind melted like taking a tuff exam all day every day, and THEN when you get home youre EXHAUSTED, but not TIRED, because your mind is RACING with half-thoughts and random weird shit popping in and out. you say this is fooking STUPID, and you are worried about the next day and the weird shit you’ll get then, so it actually relieves some anxiety to go to your work website and read cases, read knowledge base, read documentation, study the “textbook” and the “problems” so to speak. so you do that for 1-2 hours, perhaps while writing/journaling to Blow Off Steam, about how ridiculous the shit is, but you’ve got so much steam and so many racing thoughts that how the hell are you gonna relax and get to sleep?

smoking fooktons of MJ as soon as you get home is ideal, cuz then in a few hours you will relax and be able to sleep. but this isnt always doable. in fact only a minority of the time. because you dont know anyone who can get you MJ, or youre not gainfully employed enough to justify partaking MJ, or you dont have the privacy, etc.

its pretty likely that drinking a shit ton would help numb/clear your mind, but you would have to have at LEAST 5 drinks, at LEAST, and its hard to have 5 drinks without that turning into 8 or 10 or 12, and there is no way you could do the work with a HANGOVER the next day!

or that horrible feel when you wake up in the morning after shitty nonrestful manic sleep, and you think oh shit i couldnt have got more than 2 hours of sleep, i have no idea how i am gonna MAKE IT through today! but somehoe you do and by then youve been racking your brain again all day so you think well i could TRY going to bed right upon arriving home, neglect muh family, OR i could realize that i will lay there in bed with my mind racing abotu work ANYWAY, so i MIGHT AS WELL read the cases, read the knowledge base, try to KNOW EVERYTHING and be prepared for ANYTHING and STUDY MOAR. study for  1.5-2 hours until youve said IVE HAD ENOUGH!!!  and then i guess the idea then would be to either smoke MJ, get raging drunk, or go for a Huge JOG (no time for walk jog) until you are completely physically exhausted. 5 mile jog at least, i dunno. that would probably help.

i actually didnt hate the studying, it was easier for me to concentrate and retain information when i wasnt On A Call, Furiously Flailing to figure something out while the caller was on Hold and i was surrounded by Lost Souls doing the same thing. but to sit quietly at home, reading the shit, listening to some soothing music, no phones ringing, no people on hold, no case that needs to be solved right now, just trying to learn shit and put peices together, big picture and micro picture. sometimes with a nice MJ buzz going if i could get away with it. maybe exchanging some friendly nice texts with female friend and just gushing with feels especially when she gave me a 🙂 or especially the text heart ❤ which she did not give away like a whore spreading her cvnt, but once in a while, when i really touched her feels hahahaha. and then i would send a ❤ back and feel like we were Sharing True Love hahahahaha. i had a real hardon for those stupid hearts hahahaha.

well at that time i would get out 3 or 4 hours earlier than her and go home and study and she would still be there when it was a little bit slower, and i would text her while she was there and try to give her “moral support” which she was cutting off her moral support to me.  well not entirely. in fact i thought everything was consistent with the family stress she had, i thought that fully explained her distance, plus she still responded to my texts, she still used smileys and sometimes even the long sought after heart, so…..mixed messages galore hahahaha. it was weird. you could text me but you couldnt talk to me, and damn sure couldnt hang out with me.

now i can see the obvious answer is to TEXT HER “hey btw i think im starting to get feelings for u” and BOOM DONE.  but when you are under that much STRESS, you CANNOT THINK STRAIGHT. you lose your JUDGMENT. your ability to BE LOGICAL. i HATE that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

your Cognitions are Emotionally COmpromised!

and this is a VERY difficult mindset with which to do a demanding, fast-paced, high stress, rock and a hard place, constant confusion, super overwhelming JOB.

i still have that unclear mind. still cant think quite straight. still very angry and disappointed and damn.

but yeah. women these days. they have such little respect for their men they would just rather WALK AWAY. like the “deadbeat dad” they might have had. just walk away from your responsibility because you dont want to make the effort to fix it. because youve convinced yourself it can’t be fixed, or you dont care if its fixed, you dont want it to be fixed, you just want to  be done with them. STUPID SHIT.

i still want her to “wake up” and damn email me. ya damn n199er hahahaha. i like this “the right stuff.biz” because they have FUN and have a sense of humor and are just a bunch of friendly young men instead of a bunch of bitter angry failure loser basement dweller men hahahaha. they have wives and gurlfrans and are successful normies, just the kind of people we need in the Movement. Racially Aware, Traditionalist, Far Right. No Enemies on the Right.

they had this podcast on soundcloud called “saturday night l’chaim” where the opening “skit” was a black slave escaping from his evil white “massa” who was whipping the slave and calling him a “damn n199er” as the slave begged for mercy saying “no mo massa, no mo!” this is my kind of humor and even reminded me of a short story i once wrote (2006?) only there it wasn’t slaves escaping the massa, it was Wage Slaves Working For A Living and lamenting how pathetic and sad their lives were, working 100 hours a week, making 1 cent an hour, having fat ugly cheating wives, being a lonely bachelor who hasnt been with a woman in 10 years, having to take care of dying relatives after coming home from a 20 hour shift, with no time for a 5 minute Smoke Break before the Boss Massa comes around looking to give them a whipping. i was on a job search and not having much success hahahaha.

i dunno. i think it is actually helpful to say YEP I WAS WRONGED. I WAS DONE WRONG. THAT WAS NOT FAIR TO ME. because thats a way of REjecting the False Belief of: I Was Entirely To Blame. This Is All My Fault. I MADE her Do this. Im the Bad guy.

because it recognizes that i am not the bad guy, and that she did have some damn agency and responsibility and could have treated me better! damn right!!!!!

heh. i would LUV to have a female fook buddy right now, it would totally help get my mind off her, make me feel liek a virile desirable masculine man. and its a lot easier for women to find fook buddies than men, for reasons that should NEVER have to be explained to ANYBODY. but i think this allows women to get over Breakups easier, cuz they are out slutting it up with casual secs with their fook buddies, and this helps them “Get their groove back.” average beta men do not have this luxury, so they wither away in the dead world of No Confidence and Self Pity.

come early and stay late at your job and suck off people who are on YOUR LEVEL to give you training on how to do your incredibly, mind bogglingly complicated confusing job. be like thank you massa, please massa, i will buy you lunch and dinner and starbucks and tim hortonz for training me with this wisdom. and they might say no you dont need to do that, just stop supplicating like a damn beggar hahahaha.

the other thought i had was to have a stash of quarters and then whenever someone gives you advice or answers a question, give them a quarter. kinda like people who offer you a quarter for a cigarette. well 2 quarters would be better for a cig hahahaha. or give the people who help you a cig.

or krispy kreme donuts. every week bring in at least 1 box of krispy kreme donuts, put them in the kitchen or wherever, and leave a big note saying “have a great day everyone! from [YOUR NAME]”

basically just BRIBING people SHAMELESSLY to NOT treat you like a piece of shit.

this is what you have to do to make it in the world.

note: that will not work with women, because they will RIGHTLY see you as a Supplicating Beta.

So i guess you could try the Alpha Approach at WORK, as well as with Women. not sure how to do that at all hahahaha. i usually try to throw in some kind of signal to “prove i’m not stupid” ie i’ve tried this and it didnt work, and i THINK the answer is related to xyz, but im just not familiar enough with this system to know, is there any advice to point me in the right direction so i can save some time, therefore saving the company money and making our Clients Happy? thank you in advance and help yourself to a donut in the break room.”

and buy 10 boxes of donuts a day. hahahaha.

no really you can build a lot of goodwill with a box of donuts or a $5 pizza. people LOVE FREE FOOD. or coffee.

so yeah bring in free food until everybody likes you. and if they think youre a SUCK UP or a KISS ASS, SO WHAT. better to be a KISS ASS and liked by the higher ups, cuz then they will be less of bitches to you than the people who dont kiss ass. you kiss ass so you can get preferential treatment for yourself.

but maybe what people dont like is when you are OBVIOUSLY kissing ass and dont REALLY like anyone. and sometimes i was a little OBVIOUS about my ass kissing.  well because i was scared and anxious too. desperate to people please. shit.

ok got in another 4.2 miler.  listening to the damn matt forney podcast, not bad. he talks too fast but hes pretty funny and his topics are always good. i am still trying to connect him to the ferdinand bardamu from years ago. (yes i realize what the reference is to). i figured ferdinand would be a little older than me, but it turns out forney is a little younger than me, so naturally that doesnt make me feel good, this “young” man doing more with his life. but he is a good writer, a good talker, and deserves to make a living off what he does. being a writer and talker and personality. plus i like that he does a lot of interviews and sees the big picture.

in a way i have been “around” the “manosphere” since 2008, 2007ish, before there was a big picture. i was drawn to Game and Truth About Women blogs because i was insecure about rejected and dumped all the time hahahah. how could i make women be actually attracted to me and stop damn dumping me. have them see me as somebody they wanted to be with. keep a damn woman around for more than a few months hahahaha. so yeah the reason was because i was a needy beta obviously.

but i could make friends with women!

well, so can millions of beta orbiters. really i am just graduating from v9k to r9k with that one. graduated from kissless virgin to friendzoned beta orbiter and can occasionally get short term secs with crazy sluts. fatherless, bipolar, borderline, single mothers, tattoos, piercings, waitresses, postwall, high mileage. not the type of woman you want to marry or even date. although if they are crazy, young, no kids, no tattoos, middle class, then the crazy wont be enough to scare you away hahahaha. i ran into that problem. but i dont think at this age, with my lack of potential, i’ll run into it again! that if i manage to pull some crazy gurls, they will have a few other significant strikes against them, see above.

matt forney spoke in a podcast about hate mail he got for an article he wrote about “5 reasons women with tattoos or piercings are Broken Women” which was one of his most hated articles, hahaha. anyway he got a shitload of hate mail from pro-tattoo women who called him a small dicked basement dwellling neckbeard loser woman hater who obviously was butthurt abotu being dumped by a gurl with tattoos.

and then i thought…..SO WHAT? so what if he was dumped by a crazy gurl with tattoos? doesnt he have the right to be angry about that?

well sure he does!

does he have the right to write about it?

probably yes. maybe make the person anonymous and say he’s writing about one particular person and that Not All Tattooed Women Are Like That.

but thats the thing about Not all women are like that, is that this is the exception not the rule! most women ARE like that! or they can be easily swayed into becoming liek That! of course most tattooed women are like that!

so muh female friend was not a slut, but she was an Abandoner and a coward and even more Emotionally Retarded than I am!!!! which is saying a lot. cuz i let my negative emotions get out of control and allow them to Derail muh whole life. but i know how to have Empathy and Sympathy for others.

but its hard to have absolute empathy. possibly she has no idea how MUCH i was hurt, so she doesnt feel that bad, if at all. heh. well if i didnt feel HORRIBLE, i wouldnt have quit muh damn job. but i wanted to quit muh job ANYWAY hahahaha.

also its a LOT EASIER to just Throw Someone Away like garbage when you dont have Luving Feelings for them.

its a lot easier to throw away a friend rather than a lover.

and i wasnt much of a friend anymore in her book. she was already detaching from me for a long time. the “friendship” was on its last leg. plus she didnt really like me any more, she was annoyed thoroughly at me.

so….thats why it was so EASY for her to throw me away, and why she didnt feel too bad/guilty about it. she didnt even LIKE me. she was annoyed and angry and contemptuous about me. she just wanted to WASH HER HANDS of me.

but i was in LOVE with her, so being thrown away HURT 90000000000000 times more!

for her it wasnt even like “throwing away”, it was kinda like cringingly scooping up a dead disgusting centipede off the floor and flushing it down the toilet.

well, in other words, she didnt think she was “throwing me away.” it was more like sweeping away dead skin or dust or hairballs off the floor, rather than Selling Out A Special Person.

She was special to ME, I was not special to her. so its not a big deal for her to turn her back on me. but since i was in LOVE with her, it was ABSOLUTELY DEVASTATING to me!!!!!!!

it all makes perfect sense now hahahaha.

but yeah it was shocking becuase i thought i was just a little bit more special to her than THAT. I thought she still had SOME regard for me. some respect for what we once had. maybe she did, but she sure didnt act like it, and she’ll never talk to me about it, so i will never know.

but yeah. if it would have been too hurtful to HER to throw me away, she simply wouldnt have done it! it would have been less painful to talk to me! but as it was, it was more painful to talk to me than to “throw me away.”

i call it throwing me away. she called it something that she just had to do because she couldnt handle me anymore.

well you can see how that makes me feel like a million bucks. people just cant take me anymore so they cut off all contact forever. great. really makes me feel good about myself hahahaha.

so yeah she knew i was kinda Sensitive and this would hurt me! so just talk to me!

but that was too hard. easy way out remember? ive done it myself. i kinda did it by quitting the job.

not that this is easy! but it is probably easier than staying at that shit job, and seeing her for 8 or even 4 hours a day.

i am just a little butthurt though because the job was finally starting to become slightly less shit. because i was off of inbound phones thank god, and i was starting to earn respect from the faggot higherups because i actually knew the super confusing shit that i fought so hard to understand. with no help from the level 2’s. WELL except 1 or two of them who were not dicks to me. that was part of the Company Culture. Level 2’s were Dicks to Level 1’s, becuase level 1s did not learn super confusing shit fast enough. and they were butthurt they had to help us. so they gave us shitty help and were very stubborn to escalate shit we obviously couldnt handle. just constant fookin ball busting. giving bullshit answers we could never tell the caller. we wanted to say well YOU come here and talk to them asshole, but they would just laugh. they didnt have to talk to anyone.

WELL, some of the level 2’s did, them i didnt hate as much.

but increasingly they were pulling level 1’s into that job. instead of promoting them. there were no promotions ever. i never saw anyone get promoted at least.

well sorry thats a lie. i saw ONE person get promoted. pretty notably. shot up from level 1 to level 3. it was pretty controversial. good guy but why not promote a level 2 who had been there longer? because that doesnt matter. and this was the one and only promotion i had ever seen of anybody in 12 months of being there.

there was a lot of Couples at the place. i mean there are a lot of people in this world desperate for a job and this place hires a bunch of people every year cuz high turnover, so somebody gets in, then they refer their bf or gf in soon after, cuz we all need shitty jobs. i think this is a good thing cuz they can give each other moral support on the job, and they can Quiz and Study and Talk about Job Knowledge while they are off the job. talking abotu the job is a valid way to learn the crazy material, but if you dont hang out with anybody from the job outside of the job, then you dont do this.

and what better way of hanging out with somebody from the job than to be dating them and making secs tapes with them and cheating on them hahahaha.

point is, its gonna help you know the material better to talk with somebody about it, outside of work, for even an hour, on a regular basis. like a STUDY GROUP.

also they can help you on the job and be less likely to be bitchy at you for asking questions, becuase they supposedly luv you.

so maybe i am a narcissist with terrible boundaries. thats why i am so mad when she stopped giving me my “narcissistic supply”  meaning stopped obeying and complying with me. so then i lose my shit when they rebel against my control and manipulation.

well my Rational Response to that Automatic Negative Thought (see dr david d burns, md, “feeling good”, one of muh despair heroes) is….cuz im trying to convince myself that im NOT an evil narcissist! is

i was not trying to manipulate her, i just wanted to talk to her

i didnt KNOW she wanted to throw me away

i had a RIGHT to discuss being thrown away

talking to me would be the mature thing to do if she wanted to end the rel

though i did kinda have boundary issues, namely, i wanted to FUSE with her, and i would let her walk all over me and bust my balls, without standing up for myself and saying this isn’t right, this is not ok, lets talk about this, or else im gonna let YOU go.

i will work on muh boundary issues.

i am pretty selfish and self centered but i am probably not a NARCISSIST. even if having a blog where you talk about your life like its SO IMPORTANT is kinda narcissistic.

heh well its important to ME mother fooker. also i DO want to help others. i am just having a horrible time right now. i am in a LOW here the likes of which i have not been in since….2008 or so. 2009. well before this blog even began. i was doing GOOD then. when i am doing well then i can speak to the losers better. but right now i am in the DEPTHS of my own loserness. shit has gotten REAL.

looking at the map again, the capital of lichtenstein is vaduz. hahaha. i would have been a good traveler during muh 20s hahahahaha.

i wish i grew up in europe hahahaha. it is easier for you to be normie and non autistic and get pretty young gurls there. even the most beta male in like romania or hungary or switzerland gets a pretty young gurl hahaha.  sure keep telling yourself that.

see your mind automatically goes to the worst of all worlds. i am not a kissless virgin because i am just am not. i kissed a gurl and had secs with one 10 years ago hahahaha. i am not eternally friendzone becuase when i get feelings i TELL the gurls. and then we are no longer friends hahaha so QED no friendzone. the real problems are the huge secsy dry spell, and basically gurls rejecting me for being more than friends. but i refuse to be trapped in the friendzone. indeed, what i have done recently could be described as BREAKING OUT OF THE FRIENDZONE. well to be accurate, she wasnt really friendzoning me either. she was just praying that that signals i was sending were not true, and backing away slowly. she didnt really want to pretend to be just friends either. she wouldnt even hang out with me. that IMHO is friendzoning, when the gurl knows you like her, and youre too much of a pussy to tell her, AND she still hangs out wiht you and doesnt feel weird about it cuz she doesnt really care that you like her.

 

STONEWALLING

922

i had a dream where i was texting or chatting with the woman on the computer but didnt actually see her. well i guess better for the dream then. but anyway this was a recurring theme of the final months: i was allowed to chat with Her Majesty but i was not permitted to see her in person, because i was too weird and annoying and pushy and clingy and needy. even though we were working together she didnt want me to visit her in person. come on. what a bitch.  and she wasnt even clear about saying that. i had to read her mind hahaha. well she was just bitchy when i visited her because i was too needy hahaha

well that is a problem of mine, i am too needy when i find a woman i am interested in.

right now, or whenever i have no woman, i am not not needy. its ONLY when i have feelings for a woman. like during the months/years when i did not have Special Feelings for her, i was not needy to her. it was only after i got special feelings that i got needy.

needy. so i ruined it by being needy eh. well not necessarily. she never had feelings for me, so that makes the neediness that much more worse to her. besides i was only moderately needy. sure i was texting more, and that was sending a signal, and no progress was being made there, and i was getting anxious, which made me more needy, and she was refusing to hang out with me for MONTHS and MONTHS, which made me more anxious and needy.

i am needy because i like to hang out with a person more than once every six months hahahahahahahaha.

once again the solution is obvious: as soon as i kept running into these roadblocks, i should have just called or emailed her, rather than demanding on this Hang Out Talk In Person. i thought she would want to hang out in person eventually, but really i needed to talk IMMEDIATELY by that point, it was ALREADY starting to boil over. and in this case, send an email, or call them. or make a 20 minute recording. that way you can talk naturally without having them squirming in front of you.

i think this is a great idea. it sounds more natural than writing a long email, plus you dont get nervous having them in front of you, interrupting you and trying to shut you down hahahaha and you can think straight and be moar articulate. and they can listen to it again. easier to talk, easier to listen. all communication should be done like this hahaha.

because its always a WAR. the woman is ALWAYS looking for a chance/excuse/opportunity to DUMP you hahahaha. thats what it feels like when you are an undesirable beta hahahah!

a veyr hard thing to get through my thick skull is that nothing i could ahve done differently would have changed the outcome here. it was more an issue of walking on eggshells or through a heavy minefield. its not technically making a mistake when you step on a mine. its damn near inevitable.

making a mistake is when the other person is GIVING YOU A CHANCE and you spit in their face. which is essentially what i was doing for her! i was giving her a blatant chance and she was saying HELL NO!

so it was out of my hands from the very start, in other words.

so i gotta get that thru mah head.

who was the more unreasonable one?

i was unreasonable but she was MORE unreasonable.

its not your FAULT if you get feelings for someone. you are not entitled to have them return the feelings sure. but its not automatically wrong.  is it unreasonable? maybe if they are married or you are married hahaha.

anyway to say i “Screwed it up” or i really messed up, would be if she were giving me a chance, and i BLATANTLY screwed up. this did NOT happen. really she NEVER gave me ANY chance. well maybe july 2014 hahahaha aka my biggest regret. but i think she was already dating that guy then!

so why woud i want to date a slut who dates ie FOOKS several guys at the same time? hahahaha. well thats the wrong question. because i wouldnt mind fooking her hahahaha of course. which would have been a bad idea because i was/am in luv with her.

fathers teach your daughters never to fook two guys at the same time. hahahaha

anyway she was more unreasonable.  well she thought I was being more unreasonable hahahaha.

hehehe. can you believe THIS was the woman i got along with better than any woman in many years? THIS was the woman i had the best communication with? and its true. she really was. simply becuase for a decent while, she was willing to hang out with me semi regularly, and it took a long time for her to get bored with me hahahaha.

hehe. maybe if she had ended it more maturely, i wouldn’t be remembering the whole relationship as a stupid disappointment or a Net Bad Thing or wished i had never met her! this is why ending shit in a good way is so important. it affects how you will remember that rel andor that person.

weird. so if she handled the ending better, i’d be able to say, yep this was a Net Good Rel, but its time had come? all GOOD THINGS must come to an end?

maybe. and its shit like that that makes me question the validity of my own judgment! i dont even know if the whole rel was good or bad!!!!!

well it was good and bad. and the bad outweighed the good. hahahaha. and it ended badly. very shitty badly.

possibly by blurting my shit out months earlier i could have helped it end better, but it CERTAINLY, WITHOUT A DOUBT, would have never made her LIKE me!

that has to come from within. so i hope that during our period of no contact she can find those feelings within and then come back to me and say im soooooooooo sorrrrrrrrrrry yes yes i realize i DO have feeligns for you, go out with me pleeeeeeease. and then i totally would hahahaha.

it is AMAZING how women can ENERGIZE a man and give him confidence, and how a total lack of women can make him lethargic and melancholic.

i mean even a “meaningless” casual secs thing would boost my confidence right now, its fair to say.

or if i had a platonic female friend who could tell me i didnt do anything wrong, that the woman was being unreasonable and treated me disrespectfully, basically a platonic female friend to give me moral support during this time of being Rejected and Heartbroken by a woman.

and NOT say, well you should have done this and should have done that. thanks. i cant go back in time you unhelpful bitch hahahaha.

cuz sometimes bitches give you bullshit advice like that. thanks for nothing. i just want moral support and a Woman to tell me i Deserve Better than that.

another thing i would like to try to do in the future, is if a woman is confiding in me and sharing a big personal secret detail, then i Reciprocate and tell them something Deep about myself, like how i have never dated a woman longer than 3 months because they never really have true feelings for me hahahaha. or i am insecure about being a huge failure the rest of my life and never becoming an adult. hahahaha.

I was willing to give her 90000000 chances. She was willing to give me NO chances.

I was willing to make a lot of effort. She was willing to make NO effort.

I wanted to stay in the rel. She wanted to get out of the rel.

i was willing to go to a damn shrink with her! she only wanted to walk out.

i wanted her to be my WIFE, she wanted me out of her LIFE, hahahaha.

simple as that!

it could have been a lot worse, like we could have been married for 10 years, then one day she wakes up and decides she just doesnt want to be in the rel any more………and everyone supports her and says you go grrl! dump that bastard! and calls you the bad guy if you get upset and say wtf is this shit.

if i ever sounded like i said i was too moral to have casual sex, let it be known i would TOTES have casual sex with the right gurlz right now. just for confidence and warmth and comfort.  and if i got feelings, which i wouldnt, i would tell them right away.

perhaps the most disturbing thing about this is how it shows my judgement is way off, on something that is important to me. i thought she would be a Great Wife, when in fact, she would be a horrible wife.

well, this was just because she did not Luv me, not because she didnt have a lot of great qualities that will make her a great wife to someone else! which she will. hahahaha.

besides in cases like this, you get naive and hope for the best. you hope against hope that this woman with great qualities luvs you.

uhhh so the rational response to this is, my faculties of judgement were not impaired, i choose wisely, but for the fact that i ignored the signs that she did not luv me. because i wanted her to luv me. because then we could go out.

http://www.loveisrespect.org/healthy-relationships/communicate-better/

QUOTE

  • Do Not Attack. Even when we mean well, we can sometimes come across as harsh because of our word choice. Using “you” can sound like you’re attacking, which will make your partner defensive and less receptive to your message. Instead, try using “I” or “we.” For example, say “I feel like we haven’t been as close lately” instead of “You have been distant with me.”

END WUOTE

http://www.loveisrespect.org/content/dealing-rejection/

oh shit i ruined the rel because i TEXTED TOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

well thats not entirely true. i began texting more to indicate i was Interested, but i would take mini breaks and not text her every single day! but yeah i probably texted a LITTLE too much. but not a LOT too much.

How Not Talking About Conflict Could Help a Marriage Last

avoiding, withdrawing, STONEWALLING

http://myloveskills.com/

http://www.wikihow.com/Communicate-Better-in-a-Relationship

i guess you are texting too much when they stop responding. she was actually pretty good about  responding, a lot better than i would expect A Woman to be.

i probably put her ON THE DEFENSIVE by coming at her so much.

but the important thing to remember is, that although my communication was not great (and hers was even worse), that is not what was the root cause; the root cause was simply her not liking me. i mean shit. she NEVER WANTED TO BE WITH ME!

http://www.drphil.com/page/rct/

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships/conflict-resolution-skills.htm

i mean what the fook. i had not needed to do relationship-level communication in 10 years. i am rusty at this shit. and even then it was just women bombarding me with confusing shit i didnt know how to answer! or dumping me hahaha. she has shitloads more Communication Experience than I do!!!!!!

but yeah at least i learned a lesson.

dont say we need to HANG OUT, say we need to TALK instead, so that they know you have something important to say.

if they keep blowing THAT off, then dump them ideally, cuz they want to dump you. call or email them if you really want to communicate your point. you’ll probably get dumped soon afterwards hahahaha.

if the woman has feeligns for you, which she only knows how to show by Fooking, she might be more willing to communicate.

STONEWALLING. yep.

http://psychcentral.com/lib/stonewalling-in-couples-when-you-or-your-partner-shuts-down/

QUOTE

When Your Partner Stonewalls

Recognize it’s not about you.

This is the way your partner has learned to manage their emotions, Gaedt said. In the same way, if you shut down, it isn’t your partner’s fault, she said. Trying to get your partner to open up (i.e., trying to fix or change them) only leads to resentment on both sides.

“To believe that you have the power to make your partner behave in a particular manner if you simply express something the ‘right way’ is dangerous,” Spease said. It often leads to people taking on more responsibility than is theirs in the relationship, she said. This often leaves you “feeling angry or not good enough when they choose to shut down despite your loving approach.”

……

Detach and set boundaries.

“When you recognize that your partner is stonewalling, you can choose to lovingly detach and not enable or perpetuate an unhealthy dynamic,” Spease said.

When you keep trying to get your partner to engage with you when they don’t want to, you communicate that you’ll tolerate this kind of behavior, and there’s no motivation on their part to change (when you’re doing it for them), she said.

“[D]etaching and setting a clear boundary sends the message that although they have a right to behave as they please, they cannot do so while in connection with you. By removing yourself from the situation, your partner is left with no one to focus on (or blame) but themselves.”

Gaedt shared these examples of boundaries: leaving the house and doing something for yourself; asking your partner to leave because you have a hard time being around them; or telling them you want to attend therapy as a couple in order to stay in the relationship.

In fact, because stonewalling sabotages relationships, seeing a therapist who specializes in couples can be tremendously helpful.

END QUOTE

http://www.gottmanblog.com/four-horsemen/2014/10/30/the-four-horsemen-stonewalling?rq=stonewalling

gottman is the guy who invented stonewalling hahahaha

no i mean he is the top tier relationship phd who is an expert in resolving stonewalling

http://www.gottmanblog.com/four-horsemen/2014/10/30/the-four-horsemen-stonewalling-part-ii

^^^QUOTE

  • Men are consistently more likely to stonewall than women. They will withdraw emotionally from conflict discussions while women remain emotionally engaged.  85% of Dr. Gottman’s stonewallers were men.
  • When women do stonewall, it is quite predictive of divorce.

END

hehehe also use google to help you resolve issues rather than keep saying lets hang out lets hang out.

but having a very overwhelming and stressful job can affect your skill at effectively handling stressful and overwhelming probs in your rels.

hehehe what do you do when somebody stonewalls you AND walks out on you hahaha. i mean you can only stonewall someone as long as you stay with them. how many stonewallers just end up walking out? how many Victims of stonewalling rightfully say FOOK  THIS SHIT and walk out themselves, like they should?

i was willing to go to a Counselor to help our rel! she just wanted to walk out!

but yeah i was way way way way overreacting because…..

i wanted her to be my WIFE, and she wanted me to be out of her LIFE hahahaha.

so what do you do when someone is STONEWALLING you?

well they say uhhhh dont push them harder even though you want to.

well arent you doing exactly what the stonewaller wants then?

Well, you make an Assertive, Boundaries Statement like “When you Stonewall me like that, my feelings are hurt, and I will not tolerate that behavior. Avoidance is not a healthy way to Commuincate. I am lovingly Detaching now. Please let me know when you are ready to talk. I will always be here for you, but I do not have to take this hurtful behavior. I feel as if I am being Walked On.”

but see my mistake here is coming at this as if there were a relationship at all. this is what you do when your PARTNER stonewalls you. when a Former Friend who wants to Be Done With You Entirely stonewalls you becuase they want to dump you entirely…..theres nothing you CAN do. its in the LORDS hands now.

PAYOFF MATRIX

916

hehehe it comes in waves. this is all so stupid. well it does make sense, i am very devastated because the Luv Was Real. because I Knew Her, THEN the Luv came on. with the other broads, i was truly in luv with a fantasy. you start off with immediate infatuation, always bargaining with them for time, hangouts, and the secs which is the only currency they understand, trying to be a macho man, then 3 months later or less they dump you and it hurts a lot, but really you NEVER KNEW THEM. they were in and out of your life in 3 months. you wanted to know them but you never really knew them. this is how modern women have sexual relationshits hahahaha.

well with her i thought i really KNEW her, from two years of issue free friendship. when i first met her i was getting over another woman, i couldnt even have feelings for anybody else for a while, i was in a hateful, loveless, nihilistic phase much like now, except then i had some kind of easy low paying job and a nice new female fren hahahaha.

so there were no stupid secs games, just two people slowly getting to know each other over a period of much longer than 3 months, no begging or bargaining, just a mutual win win situation.

only after i really knew her did some super strong feelings come in like a flood.

so yeah that mean the luv was more real, and based on a real foundation.

and was even harder to lose!

and not in a good way either. a beautiful thing ended int he worst possible way.

and im sure it WAS a positive thing for her until late last year, when she started checking out.

well ill never know what she was thinking. maybe she wasnt checking out. she was probably confused like i was!

but yeah it was natural for me to fight to keep the rel, there was nothing else i COULD do! it wasnt really a challenge, i wasnt gonna NOT fight for it! i didnt really HAVE a choice.

also, what did i WANT. what was my INCENTIVE. what was my potential PAYOFF. a luving rel with muh perfect woman. pretty big payoff. of COURSE i did what i had to do.

now she had a choice. she could either have an awkward tuff talk with me, or just walk away and quit.

CUI BONO?

WHO? WHOM?

hahahaha.

ANYWAY the only possibly PAYOFF for HER fro talking to me was to get good karma, and Let Me Down Easy, do a Favor for a Former Friend. BUT the cons were it was an extremely awkward talk where i would probably beg her and act weird. so the pros did not outweigh the cons for her. the payoff was not worth it for her. for me, the payoff was immensely worth it. my payoff was a True Luving Relship. for her there was no such payoff because she did not like me.

the payoff for Doing and Saying Nothing was, she got to get out of the Relship like she wanted, and she got to avoid a painful conversation. win win for her. lose lose for me. zero sum game hahahahaha.

“but luv is not a zero sum game”

well when it is one sided luv, it sure as fook is!!!!!!! like this case.

path of least resistance. avoiding uncomfortable conversations WHERE there is no big payoff to you.

i was begging to have the uncomfortable conversation because the payoff to me was HUGE.

she was desperate to NOT have the uncomft convo because there was no real convincing payoff for her. so i might hate her less, so it would be better karma. OR she could just be DONE with the whole overwhleming overbearing intolerable situation RIGHT NOW. so its not surprising why or how she went that route.

payoffs. do what you want to do. the payoffs influence/are your wants. and if you really want it, you will do it. because of the payoff.  the pros outweigh the cons hahaha. very simple.

if anything its a negative sum game. i had a net negative experience. i wish id never met her. the costs outweighed the benefits of the entire relationship. we had some very good times, but it wasnt’ worth the pain that followed.

i would assume her experience was less negative because she had less invested. but she probably just forgot abotu the good times, or realizes its the past, the past is gone, look forward to a fun future of cocks and badbois and excitement and unexpected pregnancies.

so, forget the good times, and get the annoyance (UGH.) of a loser weirdo in luv with you.

for me, the past was very very good, but the heartbreak was very very very very very painful. add them up and what do you get. very very very painful and bad. the end.

net loss. my life would have been better if i had never met her. period. the end.

now when a real relationship  (well, we kinda did have some kind of real relationship tho, a two year friendship) ends WELL, both parties can agree, that ran its course, it was a GOOD RUN, but we can both agree there is no future here, so have a good life, good bye.

when both people want out, not when one person desperately wants IN , the other person desperately wants OUT.

so yeah everything really does make sense. people do what they really want, given the payoffs they are aiming for, measuring the costs and benefits. there was a huge potential benefit to me to pursue her, to go all in for in; there was really no potential benefit to her to even TALK to me, except KARMA, and even that was not a convincing or valuable enough payoff.

the good karma was not worth the trouble of an extremely awkward conversation, and probably me being pushy and bargaining and begging and pleading during that conversation, and pushing for MORE conversations, being unable to let go, etc.

so i got the book “getting past your breakup” by susan elliott i think is the name, opened it up to a random page and read,

“reaching out to the ex to request closure is just an EXCUSE FOR MAINTAINING CONTACT WITH THEM”.

and Real Closure Comes from Within, not from the other person. when a loved one DIES, you CANT get closure from THEM!!!!!!

so i liked that. requesting closure is an excuse to maintain contact with them. and thats exactly what i had done.

so that is good to know. look forward to reading this book moar.

of course every 25 year old woman is a Relationship Expert just because they have been with lots of guys, and they know that Closure is a Myth. but she didnt want to tell me that because i have to learn that lesson myself. fook that. i am 10 times better at relationships that her even though her longest rel is literally 20 times longer than mine.

it would have been interesting to study her relships though. thats why you ask them abotu it directly.

like so and so is dull and shows you know affection any more and you wish he loved you. well did he ever? what was he like in the first 6 months? did he take you on dates then and cuddle with you, or did he just sit around and grumble and drink and be very grumpy and inattentive to your needs? if so, why didnt you just bail like you did with me? well because she was in luv with him and not me, prob because he was moar masculine and manly.

so fookin stupid. worst pain in the world. like getting stabbed over and over in the heart all day every day for months and months and months. time for another 3.1 miler hahaha while i try to stop analyzing the stupid End Of The Relationship and Life Without Her, one of the most positive things in muh life, it was kind of a fantasy but kind of not, because i actually did know her! which made the luv more real, and the heartbreak more painful, and the way she did it more ridiculous.

also avoiding job search hahahaha. fook mah life hahahaha.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/getting-back-out-there/201506/when-the-person-you-love-doesnt-love-you

http://www.gettingpastyourbreakup.com/gettingpastyourpast/

this is the book website ^^ i trust JD’s moar than PHD’s, because lawyers are better communicators and bullshitters than professors hahahaha. i believe the bullshitters. nobody bullshits like a lawyer. this is why lawyers are not kissless virgins and can date gurls for longer than 3 months without getting dumped.

well she is a woman lawyer and this book and everything on it is clearly geared to women, but thats how damn emotional i get about these rels.

its also kinda REASSURING to see that WOMEN actually have love and heartbreak, not just me. i thought women were cold, calculating, nihilistic, soulless, cold, socipathic monsters incapable of love or heartbreak.

http://www.cmhc.utexas.edu/survivingbreakup.html

well my next thing is gonna be to adapt my stupid Interview File to this site, which is basically 10000 words of bullshit to say during your interview to convince them you are The Best Candidate for the 9DAH part time no benefits stressful customer facing job.

chastity monogamy and slut shaming by “the truth will live”

a cute young gurl who is also a “neo reactionary” right wing, which is the word for all the stuff ive been into for years. here she talks about how chastity and monogamy are good things. i should just watch this gurl if i want to fall out of luv with the other woman!!!

but be careful. “Neo Reaction” is primarily male dominated and im sure many of them are lonely because they cant find a decent nondegenerate woman, and this young woman will get MORE ATTENTION and Supplication than is healthy for any person to have. kinda like the Fake Nerd Girl that hangs out at nerd shit like comic cons and D&D and gaming now, because Gaming is Cool now, and young women have caught on that the top 10% of men here will be successful, money-making engineers, so women like Nerd Culture much more in the 10s than they did EVER before. those of us in our Early Thirties distinctly remember a time when nerddom and gaming was a 1000000% sausage fest and did not have one or two QT Gurls hanging around and doing SJW bullshit like sarkeesian and gamer gate and “COSPLAY IS NOT CONSENT.” good GOD. they just want ATTENTION and to be a CELEBRITY and to snag the top 1% of men in these cultures. same as it ever was hahahaha. so 99% of the men are huge neckbeard pee bottle mlady virgins, but the top 1% will be Successful Engineers making 40DAH and be a GREAT meal ticket for these women hahahaha. Security. So yeah i am ALWAYS suspicious to see QT Young Women entering a culture or movement.

(like i hope muh buddy robert stark does not get obsessed and fall in luv with this gurl! robert stark is great and awesome and he has already done TWO interviews with her? even though she has like 7 videos? dont do it rob! make her EARN it! I would be happy though if she did a longterm monog rel with robert, possibly marriage. and WHENEVER i say “marriage” or “wife” in this whole blog, realize i am not talking about Legal State marriage, which is Rigged to Screw Men. If you want to legally marry a woman, you have to trust her SO MUCH that she will not take advantage of this.)

also she kinda looks like woman3, one of the women i actually dated for 2 months. i do not know why i like obviously fake hair like that, where they dye brown hair blond. not blond highlights in dark hair, which i think looks horrible. but i still like brown hair fully dyed blond. wtf. that is like me admitting i like to be decieved and possibly cuckolded. that i like a fake and a phony and a liar and a cheater and a cucker.

so what SHOULD a woman do? uhhh be a nice person and stay at home with their family and not get into masculine stuff like internet subcultures and politics and such. young qt gurls can really turn men against each other in a very unproductive way, which would be horrible for the Neoreactionary Movement. but i think its been gaining momentum and size and would survive any Internecine Gurl Drama. i dont think i used that word right hahahahaha.

i mean nothing NEW here, we all know why chastity and monogamy are good…… but its so nice to see a pretty young woman SAY it and appear to believe in it.  shes not super articulate or a good comunicator but what woman is, hahahahaha, she is better than 90% of women hahahaha.

however less articulate women can still slut-SHAME, however, and this is a very good quality you should look for in your women.  they just don’t like sluts. good. that means they might not be a slut themselves. OR they dont like sluts because they themselves are ashamed of BEING sluts. watch out for that. well if they ARE sluts they SHOULD be ashamed…… but better to find a woman whos not a slut in the first place.

the susan elliott book has a good part about rumination. you might be sick of ruminating and obsessing, but try to see it as part of The Healing Process. like you NEED to Ruminate as part of Getting Over It. It’s better to Ruminate and Face It Head On, than ignore it and push it under the rug, like how your Ex dealt with you hahahahaha.

its like dont hide from the grief and pain, just stand in the middle of it like getting blasted by a firehose. and that’s kind of what the months of obsessive rumination are part of that same Getting Hosed With Pain constantly.

but its actually a GOOD thing and means you’re FACING it and slowly getting over it!

standing in the middle of the torrent, just getting blasted! the rumination is part of the blasting and should go away within 1 year of No Contact.

looks like muh book encourages no contact too, good. i agree no contact is a good way to be.

cuz all contact is really just you WANTING THEM BACK.

ok so you DO still want them back and you should not deny your feelings.

so ADMIT that, but DONT contact that, becuase that will bring just a NEW torrent of pain which you DEF do not need.

http://finance.yahoo.com/news/people-personality-type-most-likely-140119084.html

ISFP personalities are most likely to be unemployed, they cant handle jobs hahahaha

i thought i was an INFP but i am definitely close to this.

http://www.starktruthradio.com/

i found the yahoo article about Percievers being more likely to be unemployed because they are less conscientious. hahahaha i am very conscientious. anyway that was linked to from robert starks new website, in the post where he interviewed “the truth will live”.

good to see robert back, he used to be a top listen for me, but he never really had a great website of his own until now.

anyway i dont care about finding a nice right wing qt because any woman that gets that much into Political Thought is gonna be very hard to handle. better to have a nice sweet kind traditional woman who is right wing in her actions but does not waste a lot of time writing, thinking, youtubing, talking abotu it hahahaha. leave that to the men.  and the traditional conservative women can good wives to these men, and good mothers to their children.

i dunno maybe not. maybe i am generalizing.

but i guarantee if you had a neoreaction meetup with 20 Sexually Frustrated Guys, and 1 Cute Young gurl with similar political ideas, it WOULD get ugly and the guys would compete against each other and perhaps solid Male Friendships would get Ruined.

in essence there IS a kind of “owning.” you volunteer to be “owned” by your partner and she volunteers to be owned by you, in the sense that you elevate each other above the rabble, that they are SPECIAL to you, and that you don’t WANT to be with anybody else, sexually or emotionally, and you recognize there is a huge link between those two.

rather than “nobody owns anybody” and “everybody belongs to everybody” “mercenary” approach.

this is NIHILISTIC.

it promotes a view that human relationships and connectedness are interchangeable, disposeable, replaceable, and ultimately MEANINGLESS.

NIHILISTIC.

THEY BELIEVE IN NOTHING. (Lebowski hahahaha)

if they cant believe that sex and Love and Relationships mean anything……. for all Intensive Purposes (hehehe), they actually believe in Literally Nothing.

how can these people even get out of BED?

am i Catastrophizing Other People in general? maybe. people arent really THAT bad, i am just devastated because my Favorite Person became my Least Favorite Person and now i am in a world of pain.

but yeah i feel SHE was definitely being a bit NIHILISTIC about our Rel. by just throwing it away. you just dont do that when you KNOW a person for 2-3 years. even if youre having a rough patch. even if you dont love them back. you still treat them with a SHRED of respect and decency. i wasnt some random sex partner you have anonymous, soul-killing sex with after one night then throw away for being weird.

MY weirdness was not soul killing, and also it was kinda justifiable. this was kinda a big deal.

but ya know what? i am glad i confessed my feels, as bad as it turned out, rather than kept them bottled up, not said anything, pretended they werent there, wetn on with the CHARADE that there was no elephant in the room. i simply could not hide the truth any longer.

i think she HAD AN IDEA anyway, cuz of my signals. signals was the only route of communication she gave me, so i gave awkward ham fisted signals, like texting too much, writing emails about communication, calling her my favorite person, saying im afriad of losing you, mushy christmas cards of i appreciate you more and more and want to get closer to you, you are very important and speical to me, of COURSE she HAD AN IDEA. look at those signals i just listed. damn. of course she KNEW. thats WHY she was pulling away bit by bit until she was gone.

i certainly deserved better treatment! because i was not abusive to her. i had good reason to be pushy. and PUSHY IS NOT ABUSIVE!!!!!!!!

i was pushing to essentially save the relationship.

i was like the family members doing an intervention on her, and instead of accepting the gift, she ran out the door and never looked back and then died of drugs and broke her familys heart hahaaha.

how can you have a “debate” with 11 candidates on stage where they each get 1 minute to respond.

they should do more of a “brackets” thing or eliminations. i hope all the candidates went on charlie rose. most probably have, but of course nobody watches charlie rose. i am talking about substantive discussions with none of the interrupting and shouting on top of each other like happens on ALL the news networks.  all the chavs and plebs out there drinking beer and fornicating and voting hahahaha. muh unions hahahaha.

not sure if we have “CHAVS” in the US hahahaha. i basically mean plebs.

ok i am not losing weight OR really getting over this bitch hahahaha. no she’s not a bitch, she just did a very btichy thing TO ME and was a BITCH to ME. she will make a wonderful lovely wife to another lucky man and be a wonderful mother to their children and live happily ever after while i K muh self at age 45 hahahaha. one of THOSE guys.

this is not a true debate faggot. gtfo tv journalist scum.

but yeah call a woman a “BITCH” and suddenly youre the bad guy. i am expressing anger at the injustice and unfairness that was done to me by her. youre SUPPOSED to be angry at the person. i am not going to HURT her for gods sakes. she hurt me a lot more! i think i have earned the right to call her a BITCH!

THAT BITCH! hahahahaha

GET ANGRY, YOU SON OF A BITCHES!

bumping up the 1.4 mile walk to 1.8 miles. so the 2.8 miler or 3 miler becomes a 3.6 miler. 3 of those, get 10.8 miles.

so my goal was to get 10 miles. not just 9.4 miles or whatever. i mean i will need to get up to 12 or 14 miles to lose weight, like i did back in 2007 and 8 where i was walking 12-14 miles well not every day but several times a week.

also i wanted to do an average every day, well 6 days a week. instead of 10 miles one day then 5 miles next and alternating. would rather do 7.5 miles erry day.

 

LONG TERM REL IS THE DEFINITION OF NORMALF4G / 2 MUCH 2 HANDLE = SHUT DOWN

93

ask somebody the worst heartbreak they ever had, ask a normalfag, and they will say oh it the first one when i was real young i was like 16 and muh high school sweetheart dumped me and i was very derpressed for 1 month. but then i banged 9000 gurls from 18-22 and never got too worked up about those sorta things, went out with some wimmin long term, i dumped them when i saw we were no longer compatible and had irreconcilable differences, no big deal, part of life, then eventually met a wimmin where we stayed fairly compatible and then we got married the end. until at age 40 and i was finally 40 and stable and making decent money and had 3 kids, then she divorced me to go eat pray love fook n suck, cuz she didnt really know why but she didnt feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel haaaaaaaaaaaaappy with me any more but just was not sure why. the end.

got muh 5.6 miles in today, though about nyquil but decided against it cuz pretty tired from shitty sleep yesterday.

i dont trust anyone who is not a virgin or who has ever had a long term rel. long term rel is the DEFINITION of normalfag.

shit i wish we had not worked together. the loss of job is making me way less confident, and more hateful and misanthropic and hopeless. job sucked but i probably could have handled it if she wasnt there, or if we worked in different rooms. but there was only one big room.

well, with this case, i probably would have wanted separate FLOORS.

i mean this is worst heartbreak ever.

no definitely separate FLOORS, and many days off for me, and i would have confronted her in person at work and said we need to talk NOW.

in hindsight i should have done that here too. things got so weird i stopped approaching her, last couple of times i talked to her, the Coldness was just insane and it was clear she did not want me talking to her at all. so then i stopped approaching her but i did try to instant message with her. those were completely ignored. she usually responded to muh instant messages even if very short shitty responses. because i was such a boring unfun weirdo creep and i wasnt fun to talk to any more hahahaha. see I was the bad guy and it was all my fault because i had ISSUES I couldnt get over. just because i was in luv with her didnt concern HER at all.

heh i hate this everybody is a damn island shit and you dont care when your friend has ISSUES and you just blame it on the person for not getting over their issues, when PART of the issues and them not getting over it, is YOU giving them the SILENT TREATMENT and refusing to talk about issues that are ABOUT you.

yeah i could have communicated better and instead of lets hang out lets hang out, i could have said more directly

“I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING IMPORTANT THAT CONCERNS YOU.”

we dont need to have the talk rght now, but lets set an appointment for sometime in the next few weeks. i cant eat or sleep. it is important and it deals with you, its not all my issue.

by that time she should have a pretty good idea what its about hahahahaha.

MAYBE she knew why i was so adamant about talking to her in person, and she just didnt want to hear it, so she just kept blowing off the hangouts, because she had a pretty good idea of what i wanted to say, and that was too much for her to handle.

TOO MUCH TO HANDLE.

and then people SHUT DOWN.

that is a pretty good Occam Explanation, and we both had Too Much To Handle in different ways, and both shut down in diff ways.

she had too much to handle because she felt i became a completely diff person by having feels for her. and shut down by well giving me complete silent treatment forever.

i had too much to handle because i couldnt handle this brutal rejection and seeing her every day at our awful stupid insane job. it was not a good kind of fast paced but the worst kind. perfect shitstorm. and i shut down by “leave of abscencing” the awful job and havng a devastating heartbreak.

there was more personal pain and suffering for me, obviously.

“hes experienced more pain and suffering than any human being ive ever seen…….and he still has HELL to look forward to!”

FIGHT OR FLIGHT

it was fight or flight for both of us. i fleed by running frm the whole situation, she fleed by flying away from me.

but i should be entitled to some hate and anger hahahaha.

i am angry at her for refusing to talk at all, for not responding, for hurting me, for seemingly treating our entire past like nothing, by just running away and abandoning me and washing her hands of me, treating me like garbage to throw away, etc.

i know that might not have been her INTENT….. but its impossible to determine intent or anything when they just run away like this. there is a definite sense of leaving you hanging even though it is clear theyre saying its over. but its the worst closure ever. people have had better closure than this, fact.

so yeah i am feeling a bit SALTY and angry and hot and cold. just a bag of intense emotions towards her. honestly why cant she just write me an email.

because life isnt fair and people dont always treat you the way you want to be treated, sometimes they do you wrong, even if they dont mean to do you that wrong.

who CARES what she MEANT??? she still hurt me and it was very very bad!

well it matters what she meant ebcause i KNOW she isnt EVIL, its just so UNLUCKY and UNFORTUNATE that the worst thing this otherwise decent person does, they do it to ME. it is worse pain than i have been dealt by SHITTIER peopel!

GOOD PEOPLE CAN HURT YOU MORE THAN SHITTY PEOPLE!!!!!!!!

there’s a valuable lesson that will teach you how to be a better person. basically avoid good people and seek out shtty people because they will hurt you less hahahahahaha good lesson mang

94

I Acknowledge That Casual Sex, No Emotions, No Relationship Sex, might not necessarily be a bad thing, but the crux is, ALL PEOPLE MUST BE ON THE SAME PAGE, in agreement on what this means/doesn’t mean.

in other words, before you stick it in, making sure to gain Enthusiastic, Authentic Consent with every thrust (hahahahaha) simply ask the B if she has any feelings for you or if this is just drunken meaningless no strings attached secs like she has with her 10 different fukk buddiez erry day.

i mean you cant beleive what anyone SAYS but in this case, if the woman tells you yeah its just secs, no feelings, i think you can trust her to tell the truth about THAT. so beleive THAT.

meanwhile if you are in luv with the gurl and want her to be Your Monogamous Long Term Gurlfran……. thats a huge ass string, and this secs will end up being hurtful to you. A Big Ass Talk is in order, where you confess your feelings, and hopefully she gives you some kind of shitty response like im not ready for a relationship right now, i just want to get filled up by a variety of cox for the time being.

NOTE WELL: if you just want to get yer dick wet because you havent had secs in 10 years and dont want to bang a hooker, and youve managed to pull some desperate or opportunistic or whatever woman who is actually willing, be sure to confirm what her feelings are. there is a 1% chance she might be in luv with YOU, and you pumping and dumping her and using her as Fook Meat might break her heart, because she’s in luv with you.

well if you JUST MET the person, they cant be in luv with you. if you’ve known them for 2 years however……tread carefully.

because having a decent friendship over 2 years IS a long term rel which by definition has more strings than some RANDOM STRANGER you JUST MET.

like if the woman i am in luv with had pity secs with me. it would break my heart even more, and i would be even more angry at her. because it means nothing to her and is awkward and sucks and she wants to be with other guys, while for me it is the most intense experience in the life.

but if both people are not in luv with each other, want to bang other people, then yeah that should be ok to have casual meaningless meat fooking. not that women should be doing that. back in the day respectable women would never THINK of doing that.

now all women do it and there are no respectable women left, and women dont care about being respectable.

and if men wanted casual sex, they got it from a hooker. there was no such thing as nonhooker sluts.

see hookers are more honest. they say heres some casual sex, you know what it is, and it costs this much.

nonhooker sluts dont even know how to be honest. its always i dunno and fooking 10 guys at the same time and Never Communicating About Feelings.

IMHO there is more Heartbreak between men and women now than there was 50 years ago!

and that women are dishing out the majority of that heartbreak!

i would say 90% of women have broken at least one male heart, while only 25% of men TOPS have broken at least one female heart.

this is BECAUSE only alpha males can break female hearts, can make women LOVE them to begin with, and by definition, only a minority of men are alpha.

and alpha is relative to other men too. its always gonna be the top 20% Most Masculine of Men.

which is frustrating because the male average is pussified and unmasculine and faggy nowadays, so it should be EASY to become an alpha right?

like in the 50s when the average man was super masculine like john wayne, youd think it be much HARDER to be more masculine than that to become a top 20% True Alpha male.

now all men are sensitive faggy neets who love and respect women and want long term monog rels with them hahahaha.

no i kid i kid of course.

you can tell pretty easily when someones heart is broken. they say “i am heartbroken” or “devastated” or “im hurting real bad” or “in a real bad place right now” or “PLEASE RESPOND” hahahaha and they seem desperate, weak, and begging, and their world is crashing down around them.

but yeah. how is it so hard to send an email. this is eating me up and will continue to eat me up for a long time. how is it not eating her up. you would think that after some time has passed, WHICH IT HAS, she would write to me and say sorry about that hahahaha. but noooooooooooooo.

well nobody said life was fair hahahaha.

but yeah when something is eating you up, you just cant enjoy anything because its always on your mind.

you cant go out and simply enjoy things with your friends, go fook secsy new men, because its in the back of your mind bothering you, keeping you from having fun and being haaaaaaaaaaappy.

its eating ME up but theres NOTHING i can DO about it, plus it shouldnt eat me up because i wasnt the Bad Guy.

it SHOULD be eating HER up because SHE was the bad guy, PLUS she now has bad karma hanging over her, AND, she still has ALL the power to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! the ball is 100% in her court! she could write to me and say sorry. but NOOOOOOOOOOOO. and she doesnt even THINK about it, she goes out and has 100000000 times more fun than i do, WORRIES about it 10000000000 times less than i do, even though i have no power to do anything about it!!!!!!!!

what the fook!

so obviously i need to get over it hahahaha. bitches always tell you to get over it, then walk away and sook dicks, but they never tell you HOW to get over it. shit THEY dont know how to get over it. they only thing they know is go suck and fook moar cox, they think THATS how you get over things.

thats why modern women are sociopathic sluts and evil demons hahahahaha.

ok time for the 2.8 miler.