MORE IMPOSTOR THAN DUNNING KRUGER

dec 5

WOW JUST WOW. heres a FIRST in mother fooking almost a year and a half, in fookin 16.5 almost 17 months to be exact, the famous first is that i went to a JOB today and earned MONAY. That much feelsgoodman but I also feel impostor syndrome, like i am a dumb weirdo and these people are giving me a chance but i am too slow on the uptake, im not taking that chance, i’m not ATTACKING it, and they will be disappointed in me.

the job itself seems SUPER LOW STRESS and everybody was chill and happy. I mean i have really hit the jackpot there. i should give some money to GOD right now for that. AND I know this woman that works there, i used to work with her 3+ years ago, she is a good person, saw her today.

there is technically a lot of stuff to learn but i didnt feel the PRESSURE to learn all this crazy shit FAST and EXPLAIN it to frustrated people who are gonna GRILL you on it. so its safe to say this job will be a LOT EASIER and a LOT LOWER STRESS than my previous job. which is awesome.

the people are nice and available for questions. HOLY SHIT.

on one hand i just want to survive one day at a time.

on the other hand, i want to ATTACK IT and SHOW INITIATIVE and PROVE MYSELF and EARN RESPECT.

i dont want to be a TIMID MILQUETOAST.

Like so one guy with a masters degree is helping the other guy with the masters degree with the software and I am watching and learning, and Im like these are successful people who are Good At Adulting, who have got masters degrees and Reaped The Benefits by having Good Career Jobs.

and here i am, a huge loser who cant get a job for 16 months sitting there trying to look smart and ask smart questions and act normal like i am a normie adult, when i am super far from being a normie adult.

i guess the thing is to “FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT” and really i will have to do a lot less of that here.

just remind myself this is NORMAL the FIRST DAY OF A DAMN JOB.

its been a while since i had the FIRST DAY OF A NEW JOB. it has been fookin THREE YEARS since that. well, 2.95 years hahaha.

transitions can be stressful even if the job is not stressful.

be mindful. let the thoughts float away. the judgments about muh self. just try to be nice to the people.

i mean i am ALWAYS nice but i am also Timid and I don’t want that.

also i can’t do much because there is a lot that is tied to my email/login stuff, and apparently the IT dept has a Policy where they cant get my account set up until after I have started my first day.  not before!

well i gave them 30 minutes of unpaid time today just to tie up some meeting stuff, like talking to the boss, etc.

the people here are very chill about getting there on time hahaha. i forgot about that. this workplace, ive worked at it before, from about 2009 to about 2013, and there were many many things i liked about it. and i am seeing that much of that, like the chill setting and the nice people, might carry over. and here i will have even LESS direct customer contact. but muh customers will be a generally higher level. masters degree people hehehehe.

yeah but there are some people in the dept that DONT have a masters degree.

i decided not to bring donuts on the VERY FIRST DAY becuase that would look TRYHARD, like i am DESPERATE to be liked and accepted. i can bring donuts another day. prob my last day of this week which is thursday.

i asked them about coffee. people like to drink coffee. great i said. i have some folgers at home i can bring in for everyone to use. there is a mr coffee for folgers and also a keurig machine. a goddam keurig. i guess its not THAT fancy. i mean im open to having a cup of keurig once in a while but i am a folgers man every day.

i wore dark blue dress slacks and a decent fitting Poplin/Oxford Dress Shirt, white with blue stripes. I looked pretty good. I made a half joke about how I could wear a tie if you think that would be good.

Wore black skechers shoes which are NICE but they are also too BIG. I shouldnt have bought them but this was over 3 years ago I bought these shoes. I actually wore them when i was working at this place the first time. jeez.  so this time i would go to WALMART and get some nice black shoes for reasonable price.

i mean i just gotta RELAX and be MINDFUL and not FREAK OUT. i mean theres NO REASON to freak out. everyone is NICE, they are not pushing weird shit on me, all this is OBVIOUSLY in my own head.

BATTLEMIND.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battlemind

military toughness mental training. how to stay cool in COMBAT. I should really look into this. just learned this word today hehehe.

i am thinking of making like 10 hamburgers patties at once on a cookie sheet in the OVEN. then put the burgers in the freezer. then i can eat a Hamburger for a snack while i am at muh job, if i am not so nervous and spazz that I cannot even think of eating.

i mean it is a mental thing now. everyone there is nice, its just my own INSECURITY and Inferiority Complex that I’m fighting against.

and here i’ve been reading a ton of job related shit while at home. well i kinda wanted to. again just becoming more familiar with the field in general. i suppose it would be better ot study the exact stuff in particular, the software, well i sort of did.

should try to see if i can sync a google drive folder on the job computer. might be restricted tho. but i can get to the google drives website. cuz they are sharing google documents with my gmail address, ie they intentionally use google docs to share stuff. i mean why not.

shit i forgot to ask the boss about his phd program. and his kids. and his previous jobs. 99% sure he is a democrat and might be a progressive activist one. he is big on education and worked in Inner City schools and certainly believes that poor blacks kids are every bit as capable and smart as privileged huhwhyte kids. and he has had a successful career, plenty of respect, and a wife and 3 kids to encourage his Weltanschauung hahahaha. he clearly is doing things right!

credit Salty Seaman with his parody of Kyke cernovich’s “gorilla mindset” with “chimpanzee weltanschauung” hehehehe.

http://english.stackexchange.com/questions/17908/whats-the-difference-between-weltanschauung-and-worldview

fooking intellectuals just jerking each other off hahahaha.  see this is one reason i dont want a masters degree. or especially a phd. its all mental masturbation .

anyway the boss is a good guy. i just wish he were a Rightist instead of probably a Leftist.

Well I think HIS boss is more of a rightist than a leftist hahaha. he already has his phd hahaha. but from a less prestigious skool. one of those classic working career adult completes phd in their spare time much like a MBA or something. i mean thats a good accomplishment too. the guy is obviously a hard worker, very ambitious, persistent, tough, BATTLEMIND, all good qualities. this guy is VERY masculine and somewhat intimidates me. shit he was also my boss’s boss 3-4 years ago so yeah I sorta know him. he is everybodys boss.

ambitious people dont like unambitious people and vice versa, sez famous negroball coach nick saban. for me this is hauntingly true. ive never been ambitious although i could have been successful if i were, cuz i used to have a good brain. but never had the work ethic. so people that DO have a strong work ethic, i worry about them looking DOWN on me as a Lazy Bum who doesnt Wanna Work Hard. Theyre not wrong, but I dont think that makes me a horrible person hhahahahahaha. but this guy is very ambitious and i dont want him to look down on me, cuz i respect him and what he’s done. thats a big part of it too, you dont want people YOU respect to disrespect YOU. you think someone is a good role model, and they think you are a lazy bum.

well he doesnt think i am a lazy bum. i hear he thought pretty highly of me when i interviewed with him once for a FT job in 2014. i guess i actually can sound sort of smart in interviews. then once i get the job i sound like an idiot hahahahaha.

http://workplace.stackexchange.com/questions/80549/does-using-documentation-as-a-developer-make-me-look-unprofessional

heh. this guy is worried that looking stuff up makes him look dumb to his coworkers, because he doesnt automatically know it. never mind asking them dumb questions!

thankfully the responses are largely no, what you are doing is smart and good.

dec 6

everyone at the job is nice and there is no pressure, but i am putting a ton of pressure on myself to be smart and impressive and funny and likeable and normie and charismatic and fun and smart and a team player and a value adder and asking smart questions not dumb questions.

everyone is also super accomplished, basically everyone i work with or talk to has a masterz degree or a phd but they dont have a big head about it either. now i want masters degree people to know i am every bit as smart as they are…..but i dont want to get a masters degree. they are ambitious and career oriented so they were very motived to get an advanced degree. i am not. but i cant say that here. like yeah im just as smart as you, i just didnt want to work as hard. but they arent such workaholics that they arent nice, or are weird. everybody is nice and has families and children. sometimes i want to say “you know i only make 11 dollars an hour and dont have a masters degree in this field right? i mean im not an idiot and my undergrad was better than your undergrad hahahahaha but then i went off the reservation and became a loser after that point.

but everyone is very understanding and theyre like yeah i know thats a lot of stuff to be thrown at you.

it KINDA is, but not any more than i had before, plus the important part is, i dont have to answer phones all day and fix things for users of this software and explain it, while having nothing but the Documentation to assist me in that chore, and experts were very unavailable. here, the experts are just chilling out and you are sitting in a room right next to them with the phone only ringing once an hour! its SUCH a different environment, 180, i mean its 14880000000000180 times BETTER and more POSITIVE!!!!!!

Just some person with a masters degree in tech, whos an expert in these tools, who can answer any question I or the users have, explain everything, who WELCOME feedback and complaints and feature requests, dont just bark im busy read the documentation. its INSANE. no WONDER these people have masters degrees and years of experience, to have such good chill career jobs.

Basically everyone is a damn instructor too. all these people are teaching college classes on the damn side. To the point where I have to laugh sheepishly and say, now i’ve never actually taught a class before, because all these people have taught classes! They are all teachers!!!!!!

so yeah. much more of the impostor sydrome than the dunning kruger effect hahahaha.

i have been studying quite a bit when i get home, was going a training module today on a major piece of software.

Used the coffee maker today and one of our clients said that is some good coffee, reminds me of the maxwell house we used to drink at home when i was young. I said thank you thats the first pot o coffee ive ever made here hahahaha today is my second day.

he was an afro-american man with an MBA, very intelligent and well dressed hahahahahaha.

if most of the Black Men you met were like THAT, you might very well not be a racist, but be a damn pro-black, anti-white, anti-racist!!!!! no he was all right, i had no beef with him, clearly a Talented Tenth and would be welcome in my white nation hahahaha.

only working 6 hours a day which is perfect…..then come home and do some studying, and now i should go for a powerwalk, and thinking of bed at 8pm, i mean only 2 days in, of only 6 hour shifts, and i am feeling a crunch on my time in other words.  but i guess thats to be expected. will take a LITTLE getting used to.  so dont get NERVOUS or FREAK OUT about it. just ACCEPT IT. RADICAL ACCEPTANCE. DBT.

yassssssssssss rich spencer live at texas a&m, the skypes did not shut him down, its happening RIGHT NOW and there seems to be an enthusiastic crowd.

also some great uppity shitlibs. this is a Good School and is gonna get PhD level shitlibs and marxists.

yeah well spencer got into a phd program at duke, hahahaha.

shit i gotta go back and listen to this whole thing just to hear all the college leftists in detail and how he responds to them in detail. i missed the first hour of this.

but there needs to be a lot more of this, directly engaging and debating college shitlibs, uhhh because im not good at it hahahaha and really want to listen to someone who is confident and good at it.

TRS goys and univ shitlib marxist BLM together in the audience. NOICE. I gotta read more about this event. and the stuff that went on before, after, outside, nearby.

ebonic talking black female talking about whites doing genocide, youre building this country on the backs of black slaves.

i mean yeah you are gonna find the BEST (ie the worst, slimiest, most twisted) shitlibs at big, reputable univs like TAM, so yeah, more of this. lots more of this. YEAH BUDDY.

i wanna hear him and our side debate and argue with the other side, i dont hear it enough.

faggy philosophy student talking his love of logic and logicians from aristotle to russel, this is exactly what i want to hear, what i want spencer to BTFO, and which i cant handle, cuz i have no patience for hardcore logic hahahaha.

oh shit college “conservative” wanting to tell spencer he stands with the left to condemn spencers hateful rhetoric, how brave bantz spencer. RS is doing really well at this IMHO, needs to do this EVERY DAY. against even MORE hostile crowds.

http://boards.4chan.org/pol/thread/101841991/richard-spencer-at-texas-am-university

http://archive.is/iOEGP

https://twitter.com/search?f=tweets&vertical=news&q=richard%20spencer%20texas%20a%26m&src=refgoogle

http://www.dallasnews.com/news/texas/2016/12/06/protests-unity-event-texas-am-aim-drown-speech-alt-right-dallas-native-richard-spencer

2000 people PROTESTING him

whites with a phd in genetics asking how you determine white identity. god damn i hope that white guy is jooish. sadly he is probably an antiwhite white i fooking luv science! type shitlib. thankfully spencer is giving it right back to them, calling them fat idiots.

https://www.periscope.tv/w/1gqxvRrdNkqxB

i made muh first discord post to share this link i found in the 504um hahahahaha

http://time.com/4592947/students-protest-white-nationalist-richard-spencer-texas-am/?xid=tcoshare

time phagazine.

sheeeeit this is exciting. wish i could stay up late but i gotta get up early and act like a SMART PERSON. even with nice people in a slow environemtn, ideal people in an ideal setting, its still exhausting to put on the face and act like a smart capable normie for a paltry 6 hours!!!!!!!!!!!! i have NO IDEA how i survived at the other job. thank GOD this one is much better. mentally but not at all financially hahahaha.

 

REJECTIONS, WITH NO CLOSURE, FROM GOOD PEOPLE: THE WORST KIND OF REJECTION

aug 6

shit. this week i am just jogging and writing.

we put too high a premium on reason and rationality and science and intelligence.

that IS kinda blasphemous to say, because this is the very thing that separates us from the filthy animals. it makes us human.

well, i would argue that Morality makes us human as well. now is morality both emotional and intellectual, or just intellectual only?

anyway. dont want to get off on tangent.

sex is different for men and women because women have a uterus and can get pregnant.

sex can NEVER be separated from reproduction no matter how much contraception we try. that is WHY we want sex and heterosexual companionship so much, it is the driving force behind human reproduction. the reproduction of our species. makin babbys. its all so beautifully connected, and you cant tear it apart no matter how hard you try.

thats why men want pvssy so much. because the pvssy is really just the gateway to the uterus.

now this doesnt mean that men want to have 900000000 children and take care of them. but they maybe want to have 3 children and take care of them! Or have 3 children and abandon them like a deadbeat. it depends on the situation.

situational awareness. talk about that in your next interview. be like, i can read situations, and read people.  also im married with children, i can handle anything people can throw at me. i can give as good as i can get.

yeah still desperate. still want to email the female. more accurately, i want HER to email me, respond to ME, like i told her so desperately, please respond. its really for the sense of closure than anything else. closure is a gay word, how about Finality. Definitiveness. Decisiveness. Clearness. Unambiguity. Certainty. this will help you Accept the reality that this door is closed and you must find another door. the end of one chapter, the beginning of another. tying up the loose ends. not leaving any unfinished business. equalizing the scales. getting the balance sheet to zero. good karma. whatever you want to call it. i did not get it hahahahaha.

rejections with closure, vs rejections with no closure. rejections with closure are usually the better rejections. easier to handle.

rejections from shitty people with no closure, vs rejections from good people with no closure. she is a good person not a shitty person, but she gave me no closure, and i cant even blame it on her being a shitty person. just a good person doing a kinda shitty thing to me, because i freaked and weirded her out. anyway a no closure rejection form a good person is IMHO the worst kind of rejection. because you feel just left hanging and abandoned, and you can’t blame it on them being a horrible person.

rumination ruination hahahaha.

maybe a woman chooses horrible men, but she is genuinely in love with those men and wants…… i dunno. my point is, women who say its just sex. my response is, women can never say its just sex because sex is different for men and women, because for women they can get pregnant. the consequences are much more severe. this ive repeated 900000000 times and its worth repeating every time.

so if a woman acts like that, that might indeed be a reliable sign that she would be a horrible mother, because she doesn’t respect, understand, or appreciate the power of her own body to make babies, and would probably not think twice about Aborting her Babbys.

Now i think Abortion is not a FUN experience for any woman. And certainly most women have had at least One Abortion, right? i dunno i think i looked that up once hahahaha. no i think theres plenty of women who have never had even one. That would be my ideal woman hahahaha.

but i think the more important thing is, did they have one abortion, say i never want to go through that again, OR, do they get like 10 abortions a year? if they do that latter business, that would be a sign to me they would not be a good mother. because they kill 10 of their children a year hahahahahaha. but its not a child its not even a baby its not even a fetus, its an undeveloped embryo AT BEST hahahaha.

i need to watch more debates between anti-abortion men and pro-abortion women obviously hahahaha.

dont tell me what i can and cant do with my body! my body my choice! dont legislate and criminalize my body!

and then of course like half of abortions are done on women who already have children, they just dont want any MORE at that time. doesnt mean they would necessarily be a horrible mother to their existing child. damn.

well i guess what i’m saying is that one thing i liked about the woman was that she did not like sluts or slutty behavior and seemed a bit of a prude. i always liked this quality in women. what it tells me is that this woman appreciates her own power to get pregnant, and will not go out having sex willy nilly like a slut, and will only have sex within a committed, monogamous, long term relationship, and not with a lot of men, and……. i agree completely with all that! and it all comes back to the power to get pregnant, and really the woman’s acceptance, understanding, and appreciation of this FACT. many women do not appreciate this fact because they say oh wel contraception and abortion exist, i dont have to get pregnant if i dont want to, and if i do, i can always “TAKE CARE” of it.

This is missing the point entirely IMHO. Contraception and abortion are related, but not really relevant to my point: women can get pregnant, men can’t. sperm is cheap, eggs are expensive. eggs are literally BILLIONS of times more expensive than sperm. a man just dumps a load then runs off in the night. the woman gets 9 months of pregnancy and a baby to take care of the rest of her life. how can you not, as a woman especially, understand this? because everyone tells you if it feels good do it, and sex is empowering and always good as long as its consensual and safe. those are the only two things that matter about sex for women.  this is all part of the cultural revolution since the 60s and shit. cultural marxism, feminism, it has trickled down over the decades, and it’s had very real and devastating effects on the minds of youth, who have themselves become adults and had children of their own.

so yeah i guess i would dump a casual load in a woman if she were willing because im a man and i can get away with it. especially if i were horny and there were a willing attractive woman, not that i’ve ever experienced much of that! but hypothetically. all abotu the hypotheticals.

i thought we were closer! i deserve to be treated liek a human being even if i did scare her with my weirdness! waah waaah! my weirdness wasnt weird, it was just True Love that was building up tension!

i mean it really was. i was ready to full blown mongamously long term date this woman! and that is not an every day occurrance!  i had deep feels for her, wanted to Span Time with her, wanted to go on a Weekend Getaway with her.

thats one thing i have a particular yearning for, to go on a mini vacation with a Beloved Woman for a few days, nothing fancy, just like get a cottage near the beach for a few days in the summer, or Road Trip, or something like that. then have mad secs in hotel rooms or cottages or sleeping bags every night.

never got to experience that, was really hoping this woman would be the first hahaha.

so men dont get to have an opinion on abortion because men cant get pregnant. but i didnt think women could get pregnant either, because they dont have to get pregnant if they dont want to hahahahahaha. anyway my fear is that one day i get a woman pregnant and then she has an abortion, i would feel horrible about that, would lose sleep at night, might not even be able to do my job, quit my job, etc. become severely guilt ridden and derpressed, not be able to handle life, etc.

especially if i agreed to that Difficult Decision because I knew i could not take care of a child right now! i guess it would be a lot easier if i were like hurrr durrrr i cant make this decision, then the woman goes and does it, then i would “be able to” blame it on her, like you killed my child you MURDERESS!!!!!! Evil Murderess!!!!! Even though I could probably be pressured into murdering my own child anyway!

so yeah this insane Moral Choice of Abortion makes me want to stay away from women altogether. the only force that can overcome this? you guessed it, true luv. with that woman i would gladly have secs with her every day and risk this moral dilemma.

would it be easier if you didnt Luv the woman but were having Just Secs? and of course its always gonna be a harder decision for the woman than for the man.

and what about people who were not raised in christian or religious homes? because i only have these moral views because ever since i was a prepubescent i was taught that abortion is murder hahahaha.

but a decent number of atheists and nonreligious believe that abortion is murder too.

was supposed to go back out Jogging 27 minutes ago hahaha. yet i sit here writing about uteruses and pregnancy and abortion even though i’ve only had secs like 2 times 10 years ago hahahaha.

GOD must have a reason he is making me carry this cross!

and i have a huge safety net too! I wouldnt be able to do what im doing if i didnt have a safety net! i sometimes wish i didnt HAVE that safety net, that that might have helped me TOUGHEN UP. and become a Tuff Get Going kinda person. resilient, able to deal with life, independent, strong, more confident, etc.

but theres also the chance that the safety net saved my LIFE and without it, i would have ended up on the STREETS and probably K’d myself! hehehehe thats a comforting thought.

uhhhh i would advise joining a support group for derpression or anxiety if you can.

plenty of people are angry and stressed but plenty of people are NOT, too. like at my job, there were a number of people who were often in good moods, did not hate their lives and jobs, one woman was always bubbly and she’s like I LIKE this job, I want to KEEP this job, I LIKE talking to people and helping them. She was in my top tier of people and I tried to get and give moral support to her, and also try to learn from her, and make my attitude more like hers. I will always remember her. i mean she was like 45 years old and married and i was not attracted to her in the least hahaha and she had kids. but she had the best work ethic and the best attitude ever, and i was a bit envious of that. a very strong person. much stronger than i.

GET ON YOUR KNEES, BOW DOWN, AND PRAY LIKE A MUSLIM

fri janu 3 2014, 11:12pm

well by the time you read this i will be well into my trial by fire from GOD. may GOD have mercy on me. Please pray to GOD for me. If you are a Fedora Atheist FFFFFffffffffaaaaaaaaaaa NOPE I should not even say the word. Then I am praying to GOD for you right now, a little prayer, not like the HUGE prayer I did to GOD this morning where for like 5 straight minutes, I got down ON MY KNEES and prayed. and THEN I bowed down to the GROUND like a MUSLIM, in front of the crucifix on muh wall.

Lately it’s been Hail Mary followed by: dear Lord Jesus and Mary, PLEASE give me the strength, confidence to talk to the people, now and forever, Amen. just tack that on to the end of the Hail Mary and say them on the entire drive over, in the parking lot, going up the stairs, in the bathroom.

And yet things are now kicked up a notch, I have to shorten it a bit, to: dear GOD PLEASE give me CONFIDENCE. Please help me stay CALM on the call. Please help me be CONFIDENT on the phone even though I Have No Idea What They’re TALKING about!!!!!!!! But PLEASE help me be CONFIDENT like a Normalfg!!!

With all my praying to GOD lately, I have to be more careful about calling people f’s and b’s and n’s and idiots and morons and etc.

And today I felt an “overwhelming” urge to J3rk Off, tempted by SATAN that “oh yeah, j3rking off will help you RELIEVE this ungodly STRESS” so then I looked at some decadent filth and did that, sh1t I’ve been doing that ever since I was a Teen, my excuse is I only do it once every 3 days or so and not 3 times a day, but this makes no difference to GOD!!!

Well GOD I am sort of sorry, 55% sorry, and I probably won’t do it again for another 3 days, or maybe 7 days, when I am done with the Week From Hell.

But then I bargain and wonder, well if I sinned and did THIS, is GOD going to punish me by making the Week From Hell even WORSE?

WEll, it couldn’t GET much worse. It’s ALREADY gonna be At 11.  The TEST is getting through it without RageQuitting. the TEST is taking call after call and not freaking out on the phone, and sounding confident even when you have no idea what’s going on.

yep a Wizardchan v9k would have Ragequit by now. Not sure about an r9k. Remember I am closer to r9k than v9k, although I def sympathize with v9k, not that they BELIEVE that, or that they would WANT it. Oh well. I got probs of muh own hehehehe.

AND YET a lot of people at this job are weirdos and not typical “normalf4gs.” but people who look like losers and rejects. (very relaxed dress code.) male virgins with long hair and wispy facial hair that play computer games and role playing games all day and will never ever kiss a grill.  sound like v9k types but they must not be deep down, because they are working a job, and a very stressful and social job at that!!!! maybe they are Happy Nerds, content in their Nerdy Virginness.

Not that I’m not content with my own Virginness! (not that I am technically A Virgin, but I guess I AM a Born Again Virgin, after X YEARS.) Sh1t I could care less right now about Getting Action, I am so freaked out about this JOB. If I want ACTION then I will PAY a hooker. and this job has made me a lot more confident about CALLING a hooker for that sort of thing.

sh1t I would rather make all sorts of phone calls other than the calls I am being paid to handle!

the idea of calling a hooker, or, even better, old friends, or grills for dates, or, even more important, FOLLOWING UP WITH PROSPECTIVE EMPLOYERS AFTER SENDING YOUR RES and SHOWING INTEREST in the Job by CALLING a week later and saying DID YA SEE MY RESUME? I’M REALLY INTERESTED IN THE JOB! and talking directly to the Hiring Manager. DAMN, I would rather do 100 of those a day, than take 10 of the calls that I MUST take.

So you should push yourself to your limit, out of your COMFORT ZONE, GROWTH is NOT unstressful, Growth Hurts, Being Pushed to your limit IS stressful, good GOD almighty is it stressful. but you’re not physically dying. although it feels like mentally you are, emotionally you are, total MINRAEP, total panic attack, break down in tears.

my one colleague is a REAL tough guy, masculine guy, big huge guy, man’s man, very masculine in the I’m gonna beat your 4ss on st patricks day sort of way, deep voice, cool under pressure. nice guy but could intimidate a r9k virgin, hehehe. he has helped me a lot, but I hope I am not annoying him with my nervousness, one call he could tell just by looking at me how freaked out I was, and tried to coach me thru it, saying be confident, be charismatic, take a deep breath, just have a normal conversation, sound normal, you’re a grown man, imagine you’re on a date with a girl, I laughed at that nervously of course, haven’t done anything REMOTELY datelike since……..prob about Sept or Aug 2012, two thousand TWELVE not 2013 hehehe.

ANyway I like the guy and appreciate his help and want to pay it back by not being a HUGE PVSSY.

I mean the freaking out level is insane. the idea of having this big masculine man HOLDING MY HAND while doing a call actually sounds really GOOD, hehehehe. Now I can’t do that of course. I could probably swing a Masculine Hug at some point, and I have Shaked some people’s hands, or do a Shoulder Pat.

got one more definitely, prob 2 or 3, but mayb only energy for 1…conitnued……