LOST POST FROM APRIL 2015 / UTERUS LAW ENFORCES ITSELF

april 19

ok here is some more oldass posts that had been Aging and Curing since April 2015. super deep stuff. not sure how much stuff there is really.

HUGE COPY PASTE STARTING NOW. current comments in []

APRIL 2015 . TXT ::::::::

april 8 2015
yeah bub bub. going to bathroom right now lol. finally getting much needed oil change very soon. thank goodness. did very well at game. connecting more intimately with my male game friend. [I think the Relaxer was actually helping with that.]

ok 1 23 pm, done with oil change and shopping, good to accomplish that, big relaxer in thre, caused some nervousness, but now back to saftey hahaa.

started laundry, will do a mini relaxer around 6 ish.

have to be utterly avoid ff [female freind] like plague. except i might ask her to get me more relaxer. and then if she does, that might be a good sign. [she helped me obtain the relaxer stuff so I thought one day she might like to  enjoy relaxer WITH ME. not unreasonable right?]

ok type for a while. few minutes, then better call saul, then right to bed, ff is getting laid off next week, and i am hoping for the same. job is super ridiculous not even reagrding ff. i am sure she will still wait til the end of month to hang out, if at all!!! [yeeeepppp. IF AT ALL EVER AGAIN. But I didnt have to sit there and TAKE it!!!!!]

so no high hopes there whatsoever. but being out of the awful job will be good! will try a little harder to find a better job this time.

yeah buddy. april 12, in bathroom, slept till 11am, need to go to stupid church NOW. texted ff yesterday at like 745 pm with a short nonweird text, did not get a response, probably because shes out doing exactly what i dont want her to do, ie, hang out with that guy and have s with him, because he’s cooler, younger, handsomer, chiller, more alpha than me. [I would text her on saturday to Feel Her Out and she if she might want to hang out. yeah its pushy, i am not proud.]

but i went to a better college and and smarter and funnier than him! but i am short, blad, old, fat, and 2 positions below him, so he’s gotta make at least 4 bucks an hour more than me. for never taking phone calls. the level 2s and people doing esc cases stillmake a decent number of calls. but not the level 3s! what the hell do the level 3s even do? they seem to have the by far easiest job. [they really did. they just sat back and relaxed and never answered phones, never worked on cases, were all pretty chilled out. because they had the least stressful jobs. made at least 4 dollars an hour more than level 1. went to meetings.]

so yesterday i had two back to back cig sized relaxers, that did the trick VERY nicely, then laid down for a soild hour, then started to neckbeard a bit, tok a valium, got the mad munchies, satisfied them, then took half a nyquil and laid down for bed at 1030 pm, tv off, lites out, etc, and did not wake up until over 12 hours later, and now here i am, no time to prepare relaxers before church, just enough time to poop lol.

later 120 pm. pooping again. i blame the job. it makes me take 5 smaller poops a day, and always feel like i have to poop.

 

april 1x
1238 am
got layoff earlier in the day, last day, just got back from game, look at internet for a while, get 8 weeks off work, got to find better new job, gotta BE COOL with ff and give her space and let her come to me and such, still not good hopes there. [the ball was in her court. but she wasnt gonna come to me. I should just blurted it out. I know I started to write a god damn long letter explaining everything. shoulda sent that too.]

dont want to be like a beta cuck!

kinda going overbaord wiht these relaxers, but oh well. went to store, trimmed beard.

april 1x 146 pm

check it out. filed the unemp claim, hopefully dont get rejected haha. concerted effort to play it cool with ff and just lay super low, no contact, and hope she contacts me after a few days. 3? 5? 7? [this is exactly why you set a time to talk. none of this waiting indefinitely bullshit.]

try to do some good erry day, like look at indeed for 10 minutes.

ok did that.

make flashcards with the actual ridic buzzphrases.

ok. 100 hours of no contact. heh. 100 days maybe.

no 100 hours is 4 days. so today thurs, fri, sat, and sun, then hope she contacts me monday. then when i see her again, be fun and cool and chill and turn on the charm and lots of touching and staring haha. then once that takes, make a joke about her and the other guy, then grab her and maek out with her.
but no not be a wimpy sensitive beta.

[WHEN i see her again ?!?!?!?! HA!!!!]

have to be charming, funny, chill, stare right at her, and touch her a lot. dont talk about anything serious. just plenty of touching. hahahaha. not a lot to remember. yes i can take her out to dinner and pay for her.

or go for a nice walk in the park, enjoy relaxer, watch some tv etc. mixed in with the touching.

[but yeah those are all very good masculine moves to make. If only I could have hung out with her! I had the right idea for the moves to put on her!]

april 1x

ok do not contact her skank ass for at least one week, 7 days, so, thurs of next week is the earliest i can do antyhing. that will test her good.

meantime focus on daily powerwalks and sleeping hahaha.

april 1x

well the first couple days are the roughest i suppose. and of course she feels no roughness at all, except the roughness she enjoys from being f00ked by dudes. come on. so my hate and contempt are growing, i am becoming OBSESSED here and cannot focus on the IMPORTANT things in life, all while she has fun, and f00ks other guys. well, i guess it would be worse if we had already dated, right?

1xth
so now i write her short gmail drafts lets just do that here in the ol writing bucket haha

just switched to notepad++. see how this plays.

texted her stupid smiley face earlier, did not get response to that, not surprising, not do anything for next 2 days at least

dear that woman,
im sorry i have been so weird. things are a lot better now that i have gotten away from the phones and gotten a lot of rest. i hope u arent too mad at me. I wish we could talk about it and i think we could get everything figured out! I just miss seeing you is all really and i wish we could hang out more. I know your going thru a tough time and i hope things are getting better for you. but i get concerned when you shut me out, i wish it didn’t have to be like that. please talk to me and we can get everything straightened out. im not mad at u! i hope your not mad at me. i just want to talk. take care. [unsent message. should have sent it. I wrote “your”like a moron because thats how moronic her writes youre.]

april 1x
but yeah this has become an obsession and it is starting to scare me, well i feel ok now, not great, but last couple of days could not do anthing, jsut sit there, take nap, cant fully enjoy being laid off from the job, if she is gona be a low down dirty mud shark n1993rr wh0re.

but thats on her, and no use me getting worked up for that.

april 19

just fricken stupid!!! ok how do i turn off spell check. stupid boxes like bitches. cant stop thinking about this bitch. damn. coming close to writing her a facebook message. it does not get any better.

wrote fb msg, said “hope u are doing good!! and happy 420 day tomorrow :)” seen as of 718 pm, but sent at about 7:10pm, so no ppl dont see them RIGHT AWAY.

kept it super short and noncommittal and cordial, which is all i was going for. [i dont think that is too pushy. one damn facebook message, one damn ūüôā text a few days before that. i mean couldnt she just tell me what was going on? what WAS going on? I know she had some shit with her family, but it takes 5 minuets to write an email!!!!!]

april 20
yep sent that fb message above, just go wiht a damn text message next time. i hate that she USED to hang out with me but now refuses to, and gives her fine big ass to other guys. yes a huge spanking is in order, def need to do that. this is killing me, had weird dreams yesterday. and this is just bitches doing a standard REJECTION with NO cheating! jeez how hypersensitive can u get! interpersonal rejection sensitivity.

[yes I would have LOVED to give her a LONG spanking!!!!!]

top lel. maybe i should stalk the facebook of the f4ggy guy my female fren is interested in and giving her attention to. foooook. this sucks for me so bad. it is like i am POSSESSED. possessed and obsessed. it is not good, i gotta get these demons out!!!

[she prob wasnt hanging out with him, but instead with her family! wow what an asshole I was!!!]

i didnt ask for this! really the only things i can use to get my mind off, are relaxers, and white nationalism.

controversial daily stormer article saying white women are even bigger problem than k1kes. and that white men need to man up and control their damn women, because this is a disgrace. yes it is. a damn disgrace, smh. [did I mention I associate with white nationalists hahahaha. ]

i would plan to control and train my ff thru regular spankings, but i think she may also be a lost cause with her bipolar, bitchiness, n1993r loving, social justice, slut whore, promiscuity, etc. but its….

yep definitely a lost cause, sunk cost, dead weight. NEXT!!!

sad to see old friends become full blown marxist academics. these are smart, funny, kind people. their opinions have not so much changed drastically, but when you become a phd, marxism has to go front and center, so you talk about it more, because its your job, career, life. and i know these people are smart, very smart. it makes me wonder if i am completely wrong with my anti marxism.

anyway thats ok i will nver hate them! but ff on the other hand, she is working her way over to the hate list. wont even respond to a facebook message, or a smiley face text

saw her at arund 12 pm monday on fb chat and i was just sitting there, f00k no im not gonna say anything to that cvnt, and then she leaves within a few minutes, blatantly avoidng me. well dont love yourself so much narcissist, i wasnt gonna talk to you anyway.

obviously the BETA thing is to talk to her, be like baby please respond, talk to me about our feelings. and the ALPHA thing is to say idgaf and be like oh i forgot all about u, u wouldn’t respond to me, you shut me out in the cold, so i was like homey dont play that, fook u, im done with u, trifling whore, doing my own fun exciting things without u. i forgot you even existed. so yeah no contact haha.

but it doesnt bode well for the future that i care too much, and she does not care hardly enough. does not look good mang. [yep]

well essentially she is telling me she wants me to leave her alone for a period of time, but she’s too much of a dumb n1993r woman to directly say that, once again i have to do all the heavy lifting because women are the choosers, hahaha.

the only way for a MAN to be a CHOOSER is to BE ALPHA.

so i cant really bitch about her being a btich or “immature” because this is more womanly than it is immature.

BUT paradoxically women are known to be easily fooled, easily led, letting negroes make babies with them.

they are choosy but by god are they not smart. just because their reproductive costs are high does not mean they treat them that way!

way to not invite me to the summer concert! or any concert, or any thing, or to hang out, or for crimmus, or for tgiving, or to hang out, or anything ever!!!!! bitch. [there was a big fun concert during summer 2015 where I was like wanna go to this, and she said sorry already got tickets i didnt think you liked him, and I said, welp hes ok, I just thought it would be something really fun for me and you to do! and then she said aw Im sorry. but I already got tickets. and tickets sold out super quick.]

but its REALLY sad how this is the most eligible women i know. that i dont have any better options than this trash.

april 20
917 pm
the next facebook msg:

hi there hope your not too mad at me lol ūüôā i will leave u alone for a while, but its just hard cuz I miss you a lot!! ūüė¶ ūüė¶ you are a good influence on me, and i want to be a good influence on you too! i have gotten a lot better lately lol ūüôā i hope u and your fam are doing well & hope we can be friendz again soon ūüôā :^D

and sent it with a hilarious picture of pepe the frog kill all normies.jpg hahaha
feels good man

a little beta but the humorous tone was a good move.
also it was honest.
but honest is beta right.
well its something and honestly she should be communicating with me moar. make any kind of fookin effort baby. come on. just throw me a teensy tiny little bone lemme know u dont hate me.

yeah super beta but i would be a lot more alpha if i could actually see her. plus it could have been 90000000 times more beta. but now she obv has chat turned on and we are both visible to each other and she has not said anything in 30 minutes. big surprise there! well usually she just signs off or turns off chat lol, she is super avoiding me like the PLAGUE. great time to send her a message then haha. but i had to get one more out of my system before i went on the hiatus of “a while” mentioned in the msg.

[it was normal for us to use lots of stupid smileys in our messages. see I was trying to assert myself a LITTLE, at least being honest about missing her.]

so now that i just blew my load, then absolutely no contact for as long as possible. 2 days, 3 days better, 4 days and then an alpha text would maybe be best? [again I am playing HER damn stupid waiting game of chicken!]

sign off and now i am back! and she was there, having signed on recently too. then i signed off to make it look like i wasn’t STALKING her or SUFFOCATING her or CREEPING around.

so now just sitting here again. the normal male thing to do would be for her to say hi sorry yep hope u are doing well too, im sorry i have been weird well hang out soon and i will explain everything.[YES!!!!!] but not a peep. now i cant really complain about THAT though, that is the natural way, of women being the choosers, and I KNOW it would be stupid for me to try to overcome that, in fact the best thing is to do the male counterpart to that: BE MASCULINE. hehe remember that one.

of course she could just be deleting the things as soon as she gets them, never reading them. or glancing at them and never reading them again,which sounds liek something i would do lol. and thus never really internalizing the authorial intent lol. at least never understanding the material presented. i outweighed the ūüė¶ with ūüôā and in an ideal world, that would be good enough….. but this is the world of the choosers, lol, so that kind of is the ideal world no?

well, no, only partially. check yr chooser privilege lol
so in an ideal world, choosers would respect their chooser prvilege by showing accountability, responsibility, etc, rather than just whoring up with a lucky few alphas. because civilization and FAMILIES hsould be training their gurls to not be idiots.

nature is veyr strong but nurture is very strong with women, you have to train them HARD or else they will turn to shit. dont take your eye off them until they are with a mature alpha male and have a few white kids by their earliy twenties

OHHHHHH FF JUST REPLIED at 1018
this ought to be good
wow several replies!

Hey of course I’m not mad at u I am not mad at u at all
Yes we can hang soon
Miss ya happy 420 stoners
Lol
Hope your enjoying your time off.

sent from mobile, eh whore hahahaha. well way to be out sucking cock thats never mine lol.

OHHHHHH just got a red heart texted hahahahaha
that is usu a good sign

ok then i gave her a red heart back and was a huge beta saying dont be a stranger and lets smoke weed soon and i love u and want you to poop in my mouth lol.

“DUMP ON MUH CHEST???”

[wow hahaha some degeneracy there. but I really liked the heart texts. see she is saying she misses me too and wants to hang out soon. and a god damn heart hahaha. i knew this didnt mean she LIKES me, but it SURE looks like we might hang out soon!!!!!!!]

april 21
ok signed into jobs site as is required by law to get muh bennies. muh money. govt cheese. even updated the profile, tidied it up a bit. try not to forget password.

not to smother u with msgs but: might not be able to make [fun event she wanted to go to and I wanted to go to with her and said I would buy her a ticket but she never responded haha] on saturday unless it gets out early;; forgot i was going to a bday partay at [redneck bar] in the evening; u are cordially invited if u would like to meet my [game] friends, and/or watch me sing karaoke lol!!; [another invite she ignored] ¬†have fun at [justice event], do u do that erry day? be sure to make the women aware that tens of thousands of women lie about child abuse to keep nonabusive fathers away from their children [hahahaha I would “redpill” her with MGTOW stuff sometimes] take care bae & stay away from those walmarts where the department of defense is secretly starting world war 3 with yemenis and mexicans [referring to jade helm conspiracy which we had been talking about, and also I sometimes called her “BAE” to SIGNAL my luv for her]

^^^^^^ sent yet another fb msg to ff today
was not wanting a response, good.
more of a repoire, familiarity building exercise.
take the edge off.

[I guess thats ok, but really better not to send anything.]

353 pm some sort of recruiter wants me to drive 40 miles one way to make an appt to fill out an application at 1:30 tommorow. i guess i could just for fun. i think they said the job “office assistant” which pays 12 bucks an hour, 25 hours a week… 300 dollars a week dam thats a little UNDER what i get for muh unemployment.
the girl did not sound super trained haha she must have been a new hire at another company that doesnt care about training its employees because really i dont care. they probably, HOPEFULLY have someone more experienced talking to their CLIENTS.
the girl did not mention her name or the name of the recruiting company! it sounded super shady tbh, but i simply know they can get away with sounding shady because a job is a job son.

hmmm 49 miles eh, not 40.
i guess the proper thing would be to call so i am not blackballed.
blacklisted i mean.

black balls are what my ff likes smacking her white face.
hehehe. i am in a better mood since ff responded to me yesterday, albeit minimally, although albeit positiviely hahaha. [got a good feels from getting my FIX from her.]

so i sent that above message today wtih some more deets and a light joke.

NOW i prob only got that call because i just updated the job site res.
note: update that profile regarlarly, something in the employer search algorithm lol.
also ff’s mother¬†is probaby more interesting and intelligent than muh ff haha when it comes to all the bla bla¬†stuff.
so the mother got along real well with the previous boifran, the white guy, the guy i didnt hate lol.
kinda of weird the mother did not push for him to stay!
which means either he or ff really wanted to get out.
except they are super hardcore conspiracy tinfoil types who think THE COLLAPSE is going to happen within ike 5 years.
I think it is going to happen within 50 years. split diff? 27 years? sure sounds good.

BUT why is the mother so distant from the father?
Certainly the mother is crazy, as is my ff, but are they Crazy EVIL?
either they intentionally shut the man out (alienation) [abandonment!!!] OR the men are abusive or they are deadbeat losers. [probably the father was a deadbeat loser who doesnt want to take care of his children.]

either ff is EVIL, or these men are huge losers.
so i would rather them be huge losers cuz i dont want her to be evil.
BUT them being huge losers says a lot about the mother CHOOSING them to have CHILDREN with.

i do not know anything about ff’s ¬†father

so if she cucks me with the tall level 3winner, and shows up to one of the partays with him while ignoring my invitations, i will be as alpha as i can, trying to entertain the party guests, for a max of one hour, then disappear into the night. that woudl be a pretty low down thing of her to do, or stupid, regardless of the WOMEN ARE CHOOSERS excuse them of all stupid behavior card. the card excuses a lot but it still does not excuse THAT!!!!!! [it WOULD be RUDE of her to show up with some other guy when I had invited her. no, she didnt end up doing this, but I thought she might!]

heh laptop on the crapper again, darn right this is a regular thing, however i would like for my bowels to eventually get back to “normal”, spared the unnatural torture of stress and coffee and weirdness at the job.

wonder if recruiter will tell the state i didnt show up and therefore they will then cut off muh money lol.

hopefully not!

that child molesting [hyperbole ] k1ke alex jacob is off of jeopardy! so suddenly off. now he was the player of the month! autistic but somewhat charming swarthy k1ke who looked truly semitic!

april 22
had a marathon nightmare which was like if david lynch made intentional horror movies rather than having a few truly disturbing parts. something with a very evil man who would tear peoples faces off or punch a hole right thru their face and out the back of their skull; a weird birthing / brothel place run by catholic nuns where men customers would come in and buy a fetus from the moment of conception and then somehow have sechs with it for a price, or with the baby when it was born?

then i thought, welp if ff brings  level 3 f4ggot to the summer concert but not me, then ITS F00KIN OVER, its close to being over now, if she goes with him to the party on may  [i think she just went to the concert with her family, and that she NEVER really hung out with this guy other than once! I was making her out to be a bigger slut than she is in other words.]
its over. but her going to summer concert with him would be equally j00ish and inexcuseable even under the lenient rule of Women R Chooserz.

oh god i am getting into the habit of sending her a fb msg in the morning. well this

i did not mean to make light of [event] and the horrendous violence that happens against women! but hope you had a effective time! i would be interested to see the level of cultural marxism there though! stopping violence against women is one thing, but at least 50% of feminists are total marxists who hate men and wrap their “superiority feminism” in a package with many other marxist things like socialism, gun control, big govt, unlimited immigration, anti-male legislation, etc. hehe also next time ask a marxist feminist about “nice guys” and watch the haterade flow lol. (even though i try to be a nice person, i am NOTTTT and never will be a “nice guy” because they are very stupid, but dont deserve the unlimited h8 which comes from feminists) . but i think it is very interesting how something normal and good, like dont beat women, is mixed with that whole marxist package. well i could be wrong but at least thats what feminist activists were like a few years ago lol, which drove me away from being a feminist lol. anyway good for u for going to the event, and hopefully there were enough people who could share their personal experiences, rather than a bunch of college students wearing che guevara t shirts, who have never lived in the real world lol. . . . .. ok sorry for the book LOLOLOL. i know i said i would leave u alone. but i like running my mouth at u. . .. within a few hours of doing my state talent profile, got a call from a recruiter ¬†asking me to come to blabla today to “fill out an application” for a part time job. i did not want to drive 50 miles lol so i am no calling no showing my “appointment” to “fill out the application” lol i hope that is not too privileged lol!!!! lemme know if any spots open up on your summer concert lol, i am still butthurt about that lol. …. [my work friends] are having a chill partay on sat may x (and may xx!! haha) which i am inviting u to, but hopefully they invited u to it already! …anyway take care i was just curious about the marxism level of the feminists thats all lol. i like writing long books even when i am not stressed out by work, this is what writers do lol, they WRITE!!! so the place in blabla called back, i said OOOooo Im sorry I can’t make it today, CAN I CALL YOU BACK shortly. see the first time they called, they had a young person that sounded like they didn’t know what they were doing, did not mention the name of the staffing company, sounds like they just got hired with no training, i guess lots of companies do that hahahaha. then i thought, well thats “fair” because it doesnt matter to the job seeker if the recruiter sounds shady, because we will take anything we can get. BUT I hope they get somebody more experienced to talk to their paying clients!!!! but i just think its hilarious that companies dont care about having their employees even SEEM like they’ve been trained. figure it out yourself, and the weakest 50% get fired. ok im done for today, this just takes me 5 minutes to write, not like i’m obsessing all day about this hahaha lol. if u dont want to read it all, give it to your Mom and she can give u the cliffs notes lol. but seriously have a nice day and hope event was good and really this is all just an excuse to send u another ridiculous pepe the frog picture…….

oh wow that is a book hahaha. oh well fook it. whats done is done. i wish i had a qt gurl who cared enought to write me books. and she just sits there like a dumb cvmcow taking n199er dicks.

[yeah that was WAY too long a facebook message to write her. SORRY. i regret that hahaha. but that is how crazy I was going, desperate for some kind of contact with her.]

wow she actually responded to that and we had the longest conversation ever, like 1 hour of her actually responding to me hahaha. so she has definitely turned some kind of corner, FINALLY, and i am trying not to get too excited tho HANG OUT WITH ME RIGHT NOW etc.

so we had a long conversation and that was nice, kind of gay, but i hope by her telling me that she is way more emo than me, some other small talk details of what she or her fam are doing recently, are intimacy building exercises for the slightly retarded hehehe which of course all females are. slightly, thats generous lol.

so i mentioned yeah lets walk in the forest near your house, and go to budget movie theater, i will pay for u; i miss u; etc etc. oh yeah lets visit the ghost town in bla bla, i’ll rent a car lol. [i invited her to more fun shit and made it clear i wanted to hang out wiht her. she avoided responded. of course I should have said lets do this then. yes or no.]

yep i should take a shower if she wants to do something, because what i want to do involves the dirty bits.

well i took a shower later in the day outside of my comfort zone lol. and she probably will not get back to me. but yeah i got my fix of her earlier so now i am high haha.

i would be so much damn FUN if she CHOSE to hang out with me!!!

and now that she is dangling that in front of me i am getting excited. just as we would all expect!!!

well she said she would message me, which of course is not something she USUALLY says, so now i am excited. sitting here waiting like a moron for her to message or text me.

or i get such a rush off of our stupid conversation yet she has 90000 conversations like this erry day with 9000 different guys. sounds exhausting, and decadent and degenerate.

welp i dont think she is going to message. trifling ho hahaha. wonder which guy she is CHOOSING for tonight over me hehe. do not like being CUCKED hehe.

wahhh now she signed off of webchat on her phone. probably going to suck moar dicks, making choices, sucking dicks, never mine lol.

april 23
damn dying. all i can think about is that BITCH! this is a greek tragedy in the making. she is not interested in me, she will go for this other guy, and it doesn’t make it any better that this guy is white.

meanwhile i gotta go to the unemp office TODAY and “register in person” whatever that means. ANYTHING related to the govt is always INTENTIONALLY confusing as f00k. so i am dreading going in there, but i either go in there, or do not get muh money.

got back from that, was not too bad, bretty good actually, not a big deal.

oh yeah 740 pm just got some message action!!!

Funny pic lol [i had sent her a pepe hahaha]

just did my job searches lol bunch of bs
hey u!! yeah me too will buy a ticket at some point, really cant miss [another summer concert] i agree! o my lord hope u found some good jobs hope u dont have to call them

Sweet
yuppppp
what r u up to

Just cleaning up throwing out a lot of crap lol spring cleaning and medicating [her word for relaxing with Degen MJ haha]

How about u
o my lord well good for u, spring cleaning is a great thing lol! hehe did a little self medication as well lol watching jeopardy &reading, should prob do some spring cleaning myself lol
u should drink that iced tea lol
i was thinking about going to the retarded “horror” movie “ouija” about a haunted ouija board at budget cinema if ur interested lol

sent that one just now haha.
i figured it was worth a shot. a very long shot but something haha. then i see she had been offline for 6 minutes, shoudla sent it 6 minutes earlier.

i could text her but i dont really want to go to a stupid movie haha. plus that would look even moar desperate.

[i knew what I was doing was desperate…..but I did it anyway. now I was hopeful again because I thought we would atually hang out in the next few weeks. and I just liked talking to her.]

april 24

i guess i have to empathize and figure she is just not ready for something, because she is still getting over the past. HOWEVER if she cucks me with some other guy, right now, then that proves the above theory is false.

ok. yesterday kinda wanted to watch a sh1tty horror movie. decided to stop being lazy and start using netflix.

had a dream that i was cuddling with a small skinny woman. usually prefer taller women but i am not a tall guy lol. i said can i cuddle with u and she said ok and then we tried to begin and right around then the dream ended. of course.

oh heres a great idea:

moved 500000 page letters to gurl to new text file in my documents.
ok that took like 2 hours but it really did need to be written, if only for my own records, biography, story, etc. plus its everything there in case she wants it. which she prob wont. doesnt even care lol.

but yeah that honestly is a good honest summation of everything, and would be civil polite enough to actually send to her. i am glad to have it now.

[yes i should have. there was still two and a half months of agony until the shit hit the fan]

so its my fault for not asking direct short questions to get the answers i needed, and to do that outside of hanging out, ie, do it on the job. or by texting.

text her: do you want to date so and so?
text her: are you still hung up on the cheating n1993r?
3. could you ever date me in a million yeras?
4. WHEN can we hang out? i can wait two months, just TELL ME two months, is better than leaving me hanging.

like flashcads lol.
april 25
5. why didnt you invite me to the summer concert?
6. did you invite somebody else instead? other than your fam or friend? did you invite a handsome young man?
7. are you going to this party?
8. do you want to come with me?
9. are you going with someone else?
10. who are you going with?
11. what time will you be getting there?

that kind gestapo interrogation.
and in that case, i will leave 10 minutes before she shows up.

[yes i was right about that. need to ask gestapo style DIRECT questions or they WILL avoid and evade them.]

and when my male friend asks why you leaving? i dunno what i would say. i could easily be honest and discreet, saying yeah me and her are having tuff times and i would rather not see her coming with other guys when i already asked her to come with me and she said no. because i like her and i don’t like being rejected by her.
and then he would say, well that sucks, have you talked to her about it?
and then i say nope, she has no fooking clue lol.

[well its not that I hadnt tried to talk to her about it! I wanted to talk, she didnt! also, this never came to pass.]

see what i mean? so the best thing would be to just have an excuse like i gotta go, or i feel sick.

OR even better, put moves on other cute girls before she arrives with him, so that she can see me seducing other cute girls.

ridiculous i tell you. motherf00ker.

hmm said hello to her on facebook then immed signed off, then came back for about 15 minutes and she did not respond. prob should have said nothing at all. [yeah]
yep no response. if she wanted me she obv would have responded. should not said anything. damn. another step backwards lol. [yep]

so the tldr did not take 2 hours, that only took 2 minutes. i meant the other one.

april 26
oh yeah around 8 o clock or so she responded, whcih was like a moral victory for me, that lifted my spirits.

that was huge really. makes it easier to take a break from her until may lol.

whew saw her on facebook chat a few times but she left within minutes of coming on. so that means, take a break from her tomorrow too.

what would cause her to want to avoid me like shes been doing? either she is terribly conflicted and confused, OR she is committed to NO and is scared to tell me. [the latter.]
50 50 chances hahahahaha.

ok did good on sunday of not contacting ff. no texts, no msg. so that was awesome. also thinking do same thing tomorrow for maximum results.

[yeah i was successful some days but it was SUCH a struggle and I was SO obsessed.]

april 27
yeah will do that again for max effectiveness.
f00king bitch doesnt want to be a nondegenerate, wants to f00k other dudes, ok fine. but that is very hurtful because i was/am in luv with her, so now i am entitled to be crippling depressed for a few months? 100 days?
till i go back to work and have to see her whore person every day again? yikes.
f00king whores. bane of my existence.
well got through the day.
it was doable, get thru tomorrow would be even better.

that is definitely doable too. i just dont want her to forget about me, but if she does, that is 10000000% her fault, on her.

april 28

yes i am thank you! hope your fam is doing well too! hope we can hang out in may, we have not hung out since september and that makes me sad, i hope that is not the new normal ūüė¶ u know u can tell me anything, and even send an email if you prefer! i hope we can be close again, but i will understand if not. dont want to ruin your dinner with emotionz lol. have a nice beautiful spring day and hope to talk to you soon

OOOOOHHHHH sent her that today april 28. really digging now!
i am just sick of going around in circles.
i dont want to go around in cicles, go around in circles

anyway might not be the best message but its something.

[I was as assertive as I had every been in that above fb message. good for me standing up for myself, hahaha.]

heh. i am either trying to get her to address these topics in an email, or to hang out and get ready to talk about this sheet, and also to remind her of THE DEADLINE, and that it has been months since we hung out, actually i think it was a very powerful message! and also not too long! so good.

Yes we will get together soon
I know it’s been a while

thank u
was what she said back and then i said thank u.

so yep does not look good.
oh well, it NEVER looked good.

[she could have taken a minute like i did and wrote a few damn sentences responding to my valid concerns]

april 29
stuff i am deleting from muh facebook post

[i was now posting blog like stuff on my facebook, probably hoping that she would read my interesting writing on stuff, and want to hang out wiht me and talk about stuff like this in person, hahaha.]

HUMAN EVOLUTION NEWS

I talk about this because I have been a student of Evolution for many, many years, and averages of Human Behavior, Psychology, Nature, and Nurture have always been of paramount interest to me.

big topic lately is “Women Are The Choosers”, this Natural Law Of Nature allows Women to Legit Get Away With a lot more than Men can. However, I’m not sure where the line is between stuff they can get away with, vs not. BUT the Law does give a legit reason for quite a lot, and is a “get out of jail free card.” Hypergamy for one.

basically “Women Are The Choosers” is exactly what it sounds like, what it has been for thousands of years, plain old common sense, and is directly related to uteruses and reproductive risks, costs, and capacities. you could also say “Because women CAN get preggers, therefore they are the choosers” if you wanted to make the Law autistically clear.

So any way, my research project is, study the science and the math and the statistics of, does this Law absolve women from being Accountable for Which Actions? and, even more interesting, does the indisputable Law absolve Human Women (of all races!) from making decisions that will hurt themselves in the long term? For example, hypergamy in and of itself is perfectly fine, natural, and normal, because the female costs of reproduction and child raising encourage choosing a resourceful mate, so whiny lesser beta losers should not be complaining, but rather trying to improve themselves. (without success for years until they become old kv wizards, lel. I am sypathetic to kv wizards and know how quickly one can lose their Super Valuable Youth whilst trying to “improve oneself” to reach bare minimum matewithability! Youth ends way too quickly and many men “miss the boat” and that is my target demographic)

(well my research question, are Women Absolved from being held Accountable for decisions that may hurt themselves in the long term, is CIRCULAR, NONSENSICAL, and perhaps a TAUTOLOGY: if the decision’s long term CONSEQUENCES are punishing the women, then it is IRRELEVANT if the woman holds herself accountable, becuase the CONSEQUENCES are holding her accountable; life itself is doling out the punishment, even if the recipient of said punishment is unaware of the whole process. So in other words, playing around with The Awesome Power of the Uterus WILL hold its abusers accountable for their actions. Uterus Law Enforces ITSELF. )

Another good question to ask is “good alpha” vs “bad alpha”. Good alpha would be resourceful and loyal and good for the long term. (but wouldn’t those by definition be “beta” traits? BUT I would also argue that the Best Men show a combination of alpha AND beta traits), while “bad alpha” would be charismatic enough to spill some seed and make some heirs, but be unwilling or unable to provide resources or support over the long term.(side question: is that latter truly alpha? (“it doesnt take much to make a baby, but it takes a lot to Be A Father”) absolutely YES, because he has that intial ACCESS, and is getting his heir uterusized into babbys, while nonalphas have a much higher price to pay for that Initial Access. )

Well, my initial rebuttal there is, uterus/choosing related decisions have Long Term Consequences, so Human Woman should be held accountable for that. QED.

Well in an ideal world right (“should”)? So one should study the Math of patterns of Actual Accountability and see how it differs from that ideal. Or does having a Long Term Uterus / Being a member of The Choosing Class (hehehe see what i did there) just generally lessen your need to be accountable? even in cases where it affects you directly?

well there is no human need to “Be Accountable” haha. in an ideal world only, lol. NEEDS vs WANTS bro. although in human society in fact, people find many clever ways to enforce some kind of accountability! I am more talking about Social Enforcement, including Shame, Ostracism, Gossip, Social Aggression, etc.

anyway i personally am a huge fan of accountability as a virtue and of that ideal world hahaha. AND, A Huge fan of Slut-Shaming. SO, the conclusion i am biased towards for my Scientific Academic Research Project is:

WITH GREAT POWER, COMES GREAT RESPONSIBILITY!!!!!
CHOOSE WISELY!!!
Also see above: Uterus Law Enforces Itself.

UTERUS LAW ENFORCES ITSELF!!!!!!!

but yeah. to study patterns of micro behaviors between men and women, do some mad math, then come up with Intense Generalized Conclusions about Averages, that would be my ideal academic career, so pay for me to go to school in it, and uh make it easy to get into a good school for it, make it easy to get a good job in it. “It” being like mathy statistics of Reproductive Related Behavior across times, places, cultures, maybe even races lololololololol

but yeah i don’t think there is a lot of demand for Employees in this field, flipping houses might be the better choice if you actually want to be able to make money to take care of your growing families, lol. or fracking oil in north dakota. i concede that in the long term (100+ years) fracking might have environmental risks, but in the short term (30 years) it is permitting many people to meet their own Survival Needs.

hehe. talk about SHort Term vs Long Term Decision making Accountability! And what if the Short Term is our LIFETIMES, and the long term is several generations later.

yeah one is interested in those types of super long term trends, but not really about fracking per se. but as a continuation of those intra-lifespan mating strategy decisions described above, which is my personal Research Interest. how do those micro patterns begin to unfold on an ever more macro scale? what will things be like in 20, 50, 100 years?

also, The Collapse. some believe The Collapse will HAPPEN in less than 10 years; some, 50. imho 10 is a little soon, but not necessarily 50. so that gives you plenty of time to buy GUNS and SILVER and to make many children who will protect you when you are old and frail and the ZIONIST BANKSTERS have completely sold you out and it costs $6,000,000 to buy One Potatoe!

ok i will do edits right about here.

not just studying the math/numbers/stats of these Modern Mating Strategies, but also studying the underlying Biochemistry in the Brain, would probably be a valid Scientific Interest.

Also another way to simplify the Talking Points for Discussion with Troggies: “Sperm is ridiculously Cheap, Eggs are Ridiculously Expensive”

and studying the Quantitative Economics and Pricing and Supply and Demand there.

and getting paid like i dunno 75 grand a year to do it lolololol.

But yeah i think personal accountability is still a thing thank GOD. it just differs from individual to individual.
IF U CANT DO THE TIME, DONT DO THE CRIME!!!

this is just plain old common sense, or at least one thought it was!

But slut-shaming never gets old IMHO, and also, worryingly, many modern women are anti-slut-shaming, that is, pro-being-a-slut. Pro-degeneracy if you will! That’s not good!

but really folks, my lifes mission is to help men navigate the degenerate modern world, and to improve their outcomes with jobs and with wimmin. with the end game being building stable families with lots of children. this is NOT about degenerate hedonism and pick up artist stuff. it is solely about securing the existence of our selves, and of our children. 1488 WPWW

///// end facebook

[heh thats funny that that was actually on my facebook for her to read. for how long? a week? did she read it? probably not. hahahaha. why would she want to read my rambling writing. I would have read her writing all day!]

april 30
might be done wiht that long letter finally. now i think she is blocking me from facebook! and i haven’t even texted her or messaged her since that above short message, and i am being very “good” for good boy points haha. [no she was not blocking me. that would be in another 2.5 months.]

so i guess i will continue to leave her to prove herself as “the bad guy.” still wont keep her from getting fooked by other dudes though. whore.

END APRIL 2015 TXT

 

AFTERWORD:

Yeah I am embarrassed with how I came so close, but was still dancing around saying the most important words: we need to talk NOW. this ends NOW. DO you want to go to dinner/movie/park/scenic drive on saturday yes or no. I cant take this avoiding, I really need more from you, I dont like this distance, I really feel like I’m losing you, can we please talk NOW, have an in depth talk for more than 2 minutes, oh and by the way I have something very big to tell you which has been eating me up and causing this change in my behavior.

Also, here I was very angry at her and accusing her of being a slut, promiscuous, easy. this is really unfair to her because she is not that kind of person. even now, probably. she probably remains a decent, nonslutty woman, who is not always hanging otu with guys, doesnt have a “stable” of guys she has on the hook. nope.

just because some women who have rejected me turned out to be huge sluts, doesnt mean all women who have rejected me are huge sluts. so, to be fair to her, she wasn’t slutting it up in april and chances are she’s not In The Process of becoming a Slut.

of course, its even more disappointing to be rejected by a decent non-slutty woman! that and I am naturally jealous. And I’ve dealt with sluts before. So that’s why I was raging about her being a slut. But she really isnt. Just wanted to say that, because I really dont want to SLANDER her, even now. she is still a decent person who just really disappointed me. I wasnt great either but…..

the whole thing was just really really really SAD. A beautiful relationship between two decent people that ended in a very very very veyr SAD way.

so that’s why I’ve been much more sad than angry in the wake of it. It’s hard to be angry at her if she’s not a slut and she’s still the decent person she always was. So she didnt show a ton of courage. Is it really fair to ask a person to show a TON of courage when they have family stress and they feel totally overwhelmed? of course not!

still I wish she had a shown a little courage and took 5 minutes to write me an email to say SORRY for your pain hahaha.

FEELINGS ARENT WEIRD; UNFORTUNATE BUT NOT WEIRD

118

yeah. i dont think i was misrepresentin. cuz even though i admitted that my female friend was good looking, at the beginning, i DIDNT REALLY WANT TO BANG HER. that only came MUCH later. with the feelings. it has to do with the fact that i was getting over somebody else.

and what happens when you are still in process of getting over somebody?

you dont want to BANG ANYBODY ELSE. at least not for me.

whenever i see an attractive woman now, I think, YEAH, she’s attractive, bangable, but i’d still much rather be banging THAT PERSON. she’s not as attractive to me as THAT PERSON. so i guess i’d bang her, but i dont really care, i’m not gonna try, and even as i was banging her, i’d be wishing i were banging THAT PERSON instead.

so you rack your brain trying to think of OTHER PEOPLE to Beat The Meat to, and you CANT. you can think of other attractive women in the SPank Bank sure, but…..you still want THAT PERSON more.

that’s the position i was in when i first met and became friends with That Person. at that time, there was ANOTHER That Person hahahaha. the previous incarnation.

it would be like if i became friends with a pretty young woman right now hahahahaha. but i am certainly not.

so yeah i immediately recognized her as good looking but i didnt really feel it or didnt really care until about 2 years later hahahaha.  then i tried to make my cares KNOWN and DISCUSS them so as not to MISREPRESENT.

shit yeah it was a confusing and weird situation. i had never had this happen to me. i thought it couldnt happen. ie, me get feelings for a female friend. well now i know. it can happen. especially if the female friend is 25 or under, not ugly, and no kids.

but yeah its HARD. usually i dont respect women cuz they have S with guys TOO SOON. wait at least 2 months for gods sakes.

pot kettle maybe because every S partner I’ve have, i havent known them long. i was resentful and uncomfortable having S so soon, but i figured i would regret NOT having S with a cute young woman while they were willing. and that i was absolutely correct about. so i don’t regret having S with them, but i dont respect them for essentially pressuring me to have S so early. but “so early” ie less than 1 month is NORMAL. i am sure That Person will be doing the same, when she meets a guy who is Hot, she will Let Him In before one month.

Dunno i just think people show KNOW and RESPECT each other, and women should not offer SEX until men offer their COMMITMENT.

and also when a man has S with a woman, she should offer her commitment and loyalty.

its not an issue of OWNERSHIP, its an issue of RESPECT and LOYALTY and CHOOSING to be LOYAL to someone you CARE about more than OTHERS.

google whitest city in brazil, whitest city in chile hahahahaha

argentina and uruguay are said by pro white internet forums to be the whitest countries in south america

just want someplace warm and white hahahahaha.

maybe i would race mix with somebody as high as 25% nonwhite hahahaha.

as long as they were 25 or under and good looking.

i blame myself for all my failures but do not congratulate myself for my successes! of which there are not many, but the most recent one would be becoming good at my insanely hard job.

but i do blame other people for my failures sometimes too, and fail to take responsibility, such that i have an External Locus of Control, just a victim of the cruel world.

so i think she made a mistake of judgment. but do you think i can be the one to convince her? i can never convince her. plus it would look REALLY creepy if i were to contact her now. plus ive been doing so GOOD. well, not in terms of life, ive been doing horrible. but ive been doing good in terms of not contacting her.

googling why does it take so long for peoplesoft to update. peoplesoft is a very popular human resources type program, its more than just a program, its like an ERP, and i dont really understand what that is, but i can tell you that peoplesoft is very important and a lot of companies use it, including my old company.

new employees need to be “entered in” peoplesoft, their peoplesoft profiles “verified” and “check their peoplesoft and make sure it all looks good”, unfort, hiring managers did not know what that meant, and neither did we. “uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh check all their job codes and make sure they have all the job codes they need?”

how do i know which job codes they need?

“uhhhhhhhhhhh youre the manager youre supposed to know? talk to YOUR manager if you dont?”

I ALREADY DID, HE SAID CALL YOU!!!!!!

“uhhhhhhhhhh he was wrong. call HIS manager.”

and noone wants to talk to THEIR manager, let alone their MANAGERS MANAGER!

YOUR MANAGER DOESNT WANT TO HELP YOU! IF YOU ASK HIM QUESTIONS YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT AND HE WILL MAKE YOUR LIFE LIVING HELL! THATS WHY THEY NEVER WANTED TO ASK THEIR MANAGERS!!!!!!!!

ok i am gonna try to go to planet fatness and walk on the treadmill. i am worried about the following:

  1. will it be super busy (sunday night) and i have to fight for a treadmill?
  2. will front desk give me a hard time because i dont have a CHECKING account, and i used the member portal to set up my billing with a SAVINGS account?
  3. does the portal link up with the system they see in the store?
  4. would they even know?
  5. planet fatness is run by ASSHOLES so we can assume the franchise owners are assholes, their managers are assholes, and the kids at the bottom will either not know anything, because the assholes dont want to spend the money to train them; or try to bullshit you with bullshit, as they gradually transform into asshoesl themselves;
  6. how do the lockers work? can i put my wallet and keys in a locker?
  7. do they even have showers?
  8. do they have drinking fountains or do i have to bring in my water bottle? i saw a guy before returning to his car, and he took a water bottle out of his trunk, drank from it, put it back in his trunk (boot for UK readers). he did not bring the water inside.
  9. theyve gotta have water fountains right?
  10. will they give me shit if i am on the treadmill for more than 30 minutes? ideally i want to be on it for 2 hours!!

look at that laundry list of worries!

at that consumer complaint website i have heard HORRIBLE things abotu planet fitness, like people getting charged THOUSANDS of dollars because the front desk kid forgot to “submit” their cancellation paperwork; getting tons of hidden charges when trying to cancel.

119

went to the fatness for 2 hours, it was actually ok.  will get back to that.

slept ok prob because of the physical exercise, good! but had a bit of trouble getting to sleep, thinking about THAT PERSON again of course.

what ate at me last night was this:  she technically threw the first stone by UNFRIENDING ME. sending the clear message she didnt want to be friends anymore. we went to that event, i met her and things were SO awkward, THEN she unfriended me and stopped talking to me at work even though we sat 2 rows apart. wtf???? smh hahahaha.

unfriended me without any verbal explanation i should add. just boom unfriended.

she unfriended me BEFORE i left the job; BEFORE i wrote her the¬†email saying “YES I HAVE FEELINGS FOR YOU”. she didnt even WAIT for me to unambiguously CONFIRM my feelings before unfriending me, in other words.

this possibly gives insight into her confused mind hahahaha. meaning, she thought, he’s acting SO WEIRD, he’s acting like he LIKES me, like he wants me to be his gurlfran, i can’t take it, its SO WEIRD, i wish he’d JUST STOP and get over this phase already, but he’s not getting any better, i cant take any more, i cant be friends with him if he keeps doing this, and he keeps doing it, so, time to unfriend.

when just 2 weeks prior i wrote her an email begging her to communicate more so we could work on our friendship, i didnt want this to be the end without working on it. i wish she had responded to THAT rather than just unfriending me!!!

so the insight was: i had pushed her to her limit by being SO WEIRD. I tried to get inside her mind:

he’s acting SO WEIRD, like he’s in luv with me or something. that sucks, i wish he wasnt!

maybe its a phase, maybe he’ll get over it automatically in a little while.

oh no he hasnt, this has been going on for months, he just gets worse and worse, he always wants to hang out, i dont WANT to hang out with him if he’s acting so weird and LIKES me! thats not FAIR that he LIKES me! he didnt seem to like me before!! what changed?

well rather than talk to him about it, or respond to that email he sent, i’m just gonna keep avoiding him entirely, unfriend him, and he’s the bad guy for getting these feelings whenever he did. it started getting real bad early 2015. why talk about it ? theres nothing to say. i would say, i dont want you to have feelings for me, please STOP. STOP. ¬†and he’s not stopping. so unfriending is the only way out.

so then I (ME) felt a rush of Self Blame again, like its all my fault.

but it also reaffirmed me that i should NOT contact her, i mean the balls in her court if she wants (and she doesnt!!!) and she rejected ME. she saw my luv and said STOP and she unfriended ME. i already apoligized and begged 1000000 times leading up to that; you think MORE begging and apoligizing is gonna help?

is gonna make her change her MIND? her mind was made up long ago. she didnt want my feeelings, she found them WEIRD, because she didnt have any feelings towards me at all.

however when she had Just Friends feelings towards me, that was kinda intoxicating, cuz she was so nice and tender to me, and I missed getting that from a woman. even if they werent real loving feelings. there was still a tenderness to the friendship feels that you cant get from a man. well maybe you can. like my male work buddy who i felt a good emo connection with. i should hang out with HIM, but he is buys working overtime at that horrible place!!!! plus i would ask him how is SHE doing, cuz he SEES her every day. and i would be unhappy with the answer no matter what: oh she’s a really cool person, we hang out with her now because she’s so cool, you should get over your feelings and just appreciate her as a cool person to be friends with; ORRRRRR i dunno shes kinda shady, she seems to be dating 10 guys at work hhahahahaha and is really cliquey and twofaced and plays people off each other. bad vibes.

SEE? either one would be bad.

also it would be easier to hang out with HIM once i get a new job…..which is taking a LONG time already. fooooook.

ANYWAY i wish she had the EMPATHY to say, yeah i dont like him liking me, it makes him act weird, i wish he would stop……………….but this is just how people act when they like you, its not his fault, thats probably why he wants to hang out every 2 weeks, he probably wants to talk about this, see that email he sent about wanting to communicate. maybe i should just give him the chance to say what he wants to say, if he has feelings, he is prob in a vulnerable state and WONT TAKE WELL TO BEING ANGRILY THROWN AWAY LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT, that would probably DEVASTATE him! so the decent thing to do would be to say IM SORRY, WE HAD a good friendship, but you seem to LIKE me, and I cant do that, so lets peacefully detach. consciously and peacefully uncouple hahahaha.

but noooooo she was like UGH how DARE he get FEELINGS, I bet he was trying to TRICK me from the very beginning 2 years ago, why wont he STOP, he’s the bad guy, he’s a piece of shit, so i’m gonna throw him away like a piece of shit right now! the end.

not a good way for her to handle it! i wish she had handled it like above.

anyway i was just reflecting/OBSESSING/RUMINATING on the timeframe of when exactly she unfriended me. it was after the Awkward Event, but BEFORE I officially TOLD her of my feelings in the email, BEFORE i left the job.

i also thought of why men like asian women, because they are nice, polite, not a huge annoying obnoxious bitch. but im sure the asian women go NUTS once you marry them. either way i am not really into asians and i much prefer women of my own race, but i was thinking how That Person had some of the Positive Qualities men usually look for in Asian Women because supposedly White Women do not have them any more: being nice and polite and pleasant and not obnoxious and chill and not arguing all the time, well behaved basically hahahaha. pleasant to be around and spend time with. showing you warmth and love and appreciation rather than busting your balls all the time and being disloyal as fookin mercenaries.

these are not inherently asian woman things! white women used to be like this! and THAT PERSON was once like that to me! she was a good friend and i liked her style of friendship, with that warmth and shit, it only made SENSE that i wanted to keep THAT going as part of a more intimate rel. i needed those eggs. she gave me a taste of what she was capable of, and i said YESSSSS thats good i really like that, i want more!

so its MY FAULT because I MADE HER FEEL WEIRD. damn.

well she ddnt have to feel WEIRD. how she feels is on her, unless i am specifically setting out to DO HARM to her and make her feel bad. i wasnt. i just got feelings. i showed her the feelings. she thought that was WEIRD. she could say, awww, he has feelings for me now. that sucks for him, but it’s NOT NECESSARILY WEIRD. welp i guess the right thing to do is tell him sorry i dont have feelings for you, i want to let you down easily.

BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

however the Emotionally Immature person finds it easy to assign BLAME when they are feeling weird. well i feel weird because they are BEING WEIRD.

I wasnt BEING WEIRD, I was just having feelings. FEELINGS ARENT WEIRD. they are natural. people have been getting feelings for each other for thousands of years.

its UNFORTUNATE when someone gets one sided feelings. UNFORTUNATE, but NOT WEIRD. she thought it was WEIRD. had she been more Emotionally INtelligent, she would have said…..thats not necess WEIRD, its UNFORTUNATE, because he’s gonna be disappointed, and I have to have a hard talk with him and try to let him down easy.

well she had a lot on her plate and was overwhelmed.

but never forget: SHE UNFRIENDED ME FIRST. SHE WOULD RATHER UNFRIEND ME THAN HAVE A TALK.

I often forget this fact. When this was about the clearest signal she sent me. this was the clearest communication she gave me.

so this is all the more reason NOT to contact her!

Also the idea that she FELT pushed, more than i was ACTUALLY pushing her.

Like I made sure to decelerate and only ask her to hang out once a week, but she still felt that i WANTED something FROM her, and that made her feel psuhed and pressured. well, it WAS true that i WANTED something from her, but i didnt want to or try to PRESSURE her. I just wanted to talk like damn adults about this new want on my end. i knew full well she might not be able to acomodate that want! ie me having feeligns.

i didnt want to be tricky or deceptive or dsingenuous. and i dont think i was.

i didnt WANT to be WEIRD, but i think i WAS kinda weird. not because the FEELINGS were weird, but when you have feelings and never talk about the elephant in the room……..when you dont talk about elephants in rooms, things get weird!!!!!!!

so whose responsibility is it to say WE NEED TO TALK?

probably mine, because i have the feelings. i’m the one feeling uncomfortable by the elephant.

but SHE was clearly uncomfortable by the elephant too!

but i wanted to maintain the rel, she did not, at that point there was no benefit to HER to talk about the elephant, she didnt care, she jsut wanted to be done.

and that hurts. i wish she had had more consideration to me, that that was gonna hurt me and she would thus handle it in a nicer way. is that too much to ask? was i SO WEIRD i canceled THAT out? i mean i wasnt ENTITLED to anything, but thats just what Nice People Do when they have to Reject a person in that way.

i mean how do girls learn that lesson. probably from their mothers. HOPEFULLY with the input of their fathers. well she doesnt have a father to say “be nice to the poor guy.” and her mother probably said “your feelings are the most important thing. if he is making you feel weird then FOOK THAT CREEP, dump him and never look back, you dont OWE HIM ANYTHING.”

but I met the mother, i sorta got along with her, and i was hoping she would then fight for me a little bit, inasmuch as to say, ya know, he’s not a bad guy, he just likes you, PLEASE think about his feelings and let him down easily, just TALK to him.

so i dont really know how her mother advised her here. it could have gone either way. i am sure the mother has flat out turned her back when dumping men. but mother has a big problem with dating badboiz, and probably dated a few abusers and or deadbeats who really didnt DESERVE nicer than a shitty mean cold dumping.

ITS HAPPENING! the top story on drudge report and probably many us outlets, cnn.com at least, is mizzou president resigns due to WHITE PRIVILEGE. this is a huge big well known university. and its right in my wheelhouse of universities being bastions of Cultural Marxism. well the top guy at the U lost his job because of Cultural Marxism. i dont even know what happened. something like a black football played was targeted by a prankster writing racist words in Faeces on the wall?

well i have no sympathy for univ presidents makeing 300k a year in a combination of public money and cvm guzzling students taking out 50k a year in loans and then have to pay off a an additional 200k in interest on top of their 200k principal; but yeah the opposition is talking about white privilege and internalized Systems Of Oppression in the very first paragraph of their statement.

and supposedly there are tensions between white and blacks at the univ?

RACE WAR NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

send them more white gurls to bang, maybe then they will calm down hahahaha. export more white gurls to mizzou. they dont have enough white 18 yo pussy hahahahahahaha. i mean you have to be banging a new 18 yo white gurl every NIGHT in order to be peaceful and not start riots hahahahahahahaha oh i LOVE being a racist!!!!!!!!

http://www.breitbart.com/sports/2015/11/09/university-of-missouri-system-president-resigns-amid-criticism-of-handling-of-racial-issues/

a more rightish perspective

meanwhile here is the left perspective, by dave (((ZIRIN))) at the (((NATION))) hahahahahaha that means echoing as in the merchant minute

http://www.thenation.com/article/3-lessons-from-university-of-missouri-president-tim-wolfes-resignation/

hahaha really im just jelly of black football players banging tons of 18 yo white girls, i am just butthurt, just like the white pencildick who vandalized the black guys room or whatever. wawawawawawaw i just wish i could et a 18 yo white gurl to make out with me, meanwhile theyre throwing themselves at you, big black bull. probably because you are more manly and exciting and interesting and sexy!

nothing on fox news channel, but all over cnn tv channel. well yeah this is a Big Victory for the Left, and FNC is more Centrist than Left, pretends to be right, appeals to Weak COnservatives, Cuckservatives, and Neocons hahahaha. I am politically savvy hahahahaha.

http://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2015/11/coliving/414531/#article-comments

Dorms for Grownups: A Solution for Lonely Millennials?

hehehehe this is for smart successful millennials who can get tech development jobz, now they can live in dorms and work 100 hours a week but at least be around other people in their age group, rather than friendless virgins. it only works for friendless virgins who are able to get Good and Cool jobs with these Tech Companies hahaha.

Socially Inept Virgins, but have Good Jobs.

i mean if having a good job / money isnt enough to get you friends and pvssy, neither will a dorm with your nerdy male virgin autist coworkers.

“but theyre not making that much money!”

broke down and looked at some pornography for the first time in like 4 weeks. watched a cute young innocent looking girl getting banged. she looked liek a normal cute youngish girl as opposed to a porno slut. like an average amateur cute gurl you see everywhere at skool, work, bar, gym hahahaha. but not church really. these cute gurls are out there. cute gurls are NOT so RARE.

and then of course i was liek damn i wishi could do that with THAT PERSON and her making little O noises and such. so it became very conflicted. so i have no desire to watch porno anytime soon. maybe go another few weeks.

a black graduate student going on a hunger strike and saying das racis can cause the highest “employee” of a university to lose his job. hehehe i should get a black graduate student to hunger strike for THAT PERSON to take me back hahahahahaha and also get me a stress free 15DAHJ hahahaha.

i finished my voice recordings of muh job interview file. it is 20 abotu 20 minute mp3s now. it is 400 minutes of ME TALKING. it is OVER 6 HOURS OF ME TALKING.

that should be good enough to get me a job right.

So I was weird! couldnt you see WHY i was being weird!!!??? You KNEW i liked you! couldnt you see how and why that was making me weird? why did you have to react so negatively to it??!?!?!! you didnt have to be MEAN! you could just say AW IM SORRY but i CANT! not get MAD at me for it! god damn!

now youre gonna go down to Mizzou and make sure those feetzball players are WELL taken care of eh hahahahahaha cuz us white boys are huge pussy faggots who dont know how to be a man.

i wish i had sent her 20 20 minute files, 400 minutes of me talking about my feelings for her and what i wanted from her (not for her to have feelings for me, that would be nice, but i cant ASK that of someone; but i CAN ask them to be nice to me and not heartless to me!!!!! )

she was heartless because i was weird and that made her contemptuous and annoyed and not like me anymore.

was i weird? yes a LITTLE but not that much.

why was i weird? because i had feelings for her and i wasnt able to hang out with her and talk about them.

why? because she didnt want to hang out because i was WEIRD and not fun anymore.

see at this point going down the rabbit hole of why just gives you a stupid vicious circle, chicken and egg.

she wouldnt hang out because i was weird, i was weird because she wouldn’t hang out.

really it was the elephant in the room which made me weird.

i should have blurted it out the second i felt myself getting weird.

i dont think her mind would have been changed though. if she wanted to Date me, she’d certainly want to talk about it, and would have agree to hang out with me any of the 10 times i asked her.

so i can be CONFIDENT (hahahaha) in the FACT that she NEVER had Feelings for me, and that i just scared her off. nope, she simply NEVER had feelings. she should have been nicer and more understanding though.

do women really understand how different it is for men and women to Get Sex or a Rel?

do women REALLY THINK its just as easy for men as it is for women?

that all men can get a woman as easily as a woman can get a man?

this is so stupid and wrong and all men know it!

but it honestly seems like women simply cannot put themselves in a mans shoes and SEE THE TRUTH!

its less about empathy and putting yourself in anothers shoes, but just opening your eyes and seeing the truth right in front of you! open your eyes and see all the lonely men, or the single men, or the men with the shittiest women!

just want women to appreciate how hard it is for a man to get a woman. and how easy it is for a woman to get a man, and to understand that THIS IS THE WAY NATURE MADE US, and to appreciate that by NOT GIVING IT AWAY FOR FREE. LIKE THEY WERE A MAN, with NO reproductive costs. just drop a load and disappear into the night. WOMEN JUST CANT DO THAT, yet they ACT like they CAN!!!!!! its stupid and wrong and …. OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i know obscenity when i see it! and thats it! blatantly shitting on the way nature made you, spitting in gods face if you will, going against the entire natural order. i hate female promiscuity more than Conservatives Hate Gays hahahahahahaha.

and in fact so should the conservatives, because its a much bigger problem!

muuuucccccchhhhhhh! affects their own wives and daughters!

5 percent of people are homosexual, but like 50% of women are Too Promiscuous!

Female Promiscuity is TEN TIMES A BIGGER MORAL PROBLEM than homosecsuality!

BABY WITH A GUN!!!!

Yeah #MillennialWoes have a skype conversation with me on that. or better yet just do one yourself hahahahaha.

no i luv woesy, i would like to visit scotland and then visit him one day.

i thought women are always cold all the time, then why do they always wear sleeveless things to show off their fatceps and “bingo wings” hahahahahaha hopefully with horrible lena dunhamesque tattoos on them hahahaha

i am jsut butthurt that no women like me and my main source of female luv is gone long gone. which is what she was! that is a big deal! i mean it helps men to have the TENDER MERCIES of a nonrelative woman!

heh. i just want a damn impartial judge to say that SHE was wrong, SHE was the bad person, SHE ruined it. i need ot be right. i FEEL wronged!!!!! i FEEL i was treated unfairly. but i know my feelings can be WRONG.

well at least me and her had something good for SOME period of time, however brief. we had an honestly beautiful friendship for about one year. because it took about one year to get to that point. i dont make friends QUICKLY. if they are still around after one year, thats a good sign. then i can start being REAL friends with them.

anyway my story of first time at planet fatness. if i can do it, you can do it.

i had my list of worries above.

i prepared for the worst, ie bring as little as possible into the club, prepare not to use a locker. locked wallet in the car, brought in only keys, id card, music player, and phone.

scanned id card at front desk. they said nothign about billing info. i stood about 10 feet away from the front desk and pretended to look at phone, really checking out the layout and where i should go next. obv wanted a treadmill. treadmill is the WHOLE REASON i signed up. i spied a good treadmill. not a lot of people there on sunday evening. went right to the treadmill and got it started. played around with the buttons. really tried to observe my surroundings without looking like i was looking at anybody.

an asian girl got on tread mill 2 to my left. this made me feel less like a monster and made me reflect on asian girls being nice and tender hahahahaha. in the row in front of me there was a 40 year old black woman and 2 men in their 20s.

one of the men i recognized, i saw him about 2 years ago at my previous job. he was an “older” college student who was very emotional and hysterical and had arguments with his mom on his phone even though he was 30. he was feebly trying to turn his life around but it wasnt working and certainly he was very depressed and low self esteem and almost certainly a 30 year old virgin. i empathized with him greatly. he is my target demographic. i should have approached him and sold my Despair Buddy and Anxiety Buddy and Relationship Buddy ¬†Unlicensed Therapist Buddy Services!

but he was doing well, he had signed up for planet fatness before i did! but he is also fatter than me. but he is also much taller than me. i mean if he lost weight he could pull some 25 year old woman. not that he was super fat, just a little chubby, and he was a good height, maybe about 6 feet, i wish i was that tall!

i spied on peoples mph. he was at 3.2 so i said i have to do 3.3 at least hahahaha.

most girls who went on soon began jogging at 5 mph. oh great i said. there was a young man jogging at 6 mph for quite a long time. i was pressured and gymtimidated into jogging at 5 mph for a few minutes here and there.

most people when they were walking did no less than 3 mph. i would prefer to do 2.8, i am not a fast walker! on my normal walks i go about 2.8 but then you would look like a loser here.

there was a 45 year old woman not in greatest of shape going at a brisk 3.5 mph clip steadily!

i played with the machine settings and had to restart it a couple times, wiping out my time and calories burned and all that and distance.

i basically tried to keep it no lower than 3. it was weird trying to compete wiht the peopel around me. i was in the back row meaning they couldnt see me and my mph. i never saw a girl go faster than 5 mph. i saw one guy going 8 or 9 mph. jeez.

i tried to read the signs and look at the people and look at the machines and the layout, without looking like i was looking at anything. i tried to listen to millennial woes but i couldnt really focus on him, too novel of a setting. listened to some music, listened to the same MW over and over again. i saw more than a few attractive young women. i dont understand why they wear SKIN TIGHT stuff. if you dont want creepy old virgin loser men staring at your ass, dont wear SKIN TIGHT pants and be 20 years old hahahahahahahahaha. you can just wear NOT skin tight shorts or pants. I was! wearing NOT skin tight shorts and shirt.

i wore shorts and a long sleeve t shirt for some reason. the shorts were fine. i wore long sleeve t shirt cuz i get cold easily and not sure how warm it would be in there. it was warm enough for shorts and a short sleeved tshirt.

there was a little cup area in the treadmill where i could put my keys and phone and id card.

near the end of my visit i lost my id card and thankfully they put it in lost and found at the front desk. they asked me my name, i told them, they gave me card.

i dont want to lose that every single time!

i went to the mens room and there was  a locker room in there too, and about 3 shower stalls. the locks, you had to Bring Your Own locks.

see i can see myself losing that darn card! and i dont want to do that.

i was there for about 2 hours and 15 minutes. got maybe 6 miles of walking in, maybe more, since i was walking a lot faster than normal.

i just stayed on the treadmill. next time i might try elliptical so i dont look like a weirdo.

there were some “LUNKHEADS” using the weight machines. i really didnt care, i was not intimidated by them. i was just sad cuz its them who wins in the competition for those cute young 25 year old gurls. but at least me being there is a step towards me improving myself.

there was a huge fan right above the treadmill area so i always got a nice breeze.

pros: the treadmill was fun, it was an interesting experience

cons: i had to walk a little faster than i liked just not to look like the biggest failure there.

you are supposed to wipe the machines after each use. i watched people do this and attempted to mimic them. i went to the wipe station, got a thing of paper towel, then squirted it with solution or alcohol or whatever the stuff in the spray bottle was, then took the damp paper towel to the machine. i guess i could take the spray bottle to the machine as well. point is it wasnt hard.

this is how anxious and low confidence i get, I DOUBT MY ABILITY TO WIPE OFF THE DAMN MACHINE, OOO ITS SO COMPLICATED IM GONNA MESS IT UP, AND LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT.

so i conquered that fear by wiping the machine successfully.

i figured it would all be a learning experience and it was.

next time i will wear a t shirt; i will bring a water bottle; i might try to use a locker; i will try not to lose the id card.

i didnt bring a water bottle. i figured just use the water fountain. and that i did. they had a refrigerator with bottled water but i didnt know if you had to pay for it. i left my money in the car. i am thankful to have a car and money.

i saw at least 4 or 5 attractive 20s women. who probably give it up to guys in under 1 month of meeting them hahaha.

more comforting, i saw plenty of chubby 20s men.

and i saw my 30 year old virgin Despair Buddy. I really should have said something to him. good for him that he is trying to lose weight. not that he NEEDS to lose a lot of weight, he’s not UGLY, he should be able to pull a 25 year old qt right NOW, but hes too anxious and beta. plus of course he is balding hahahahaha. but i bet the tender mercies of a NICE 25 year old woman would totally TRANSFORM him. just like it would TRANSFORM me hahaha.

so yeah i can see going back there semi regularly and AUTISTICALLY using the treadmill with that other pathetic autist feelsy balding virgin hahahaha.

well way i see it, better to be a chubby balding virgin trying to lose weight on the treadmill at planet fatness, than a chubby balding virgin crying at home in parents basement neeting it up hahahaha.

 

 

IF SOMEONE WONT GIVE YOU THE TIME TO TALK TO THEM….THEYRE NOT WORTH YOUR TIME

112

couldnt fall asleep last night, mind racing until like 230 am, and it was racing just like i had my old job. was thinking about systems and how things worked and needing a Manual for the Manual, and how nothing ever made sense, and it was not just frustrating, but downright nerve wracking, because i hated sounding like an idiot who didnt know what i was doing in front of callers.

so you think about 50 different possible cases until you cant think straight any more, THEN you forget basic shit like what year is it, and what the damn alphabet is. i tried saying the alphabet in order (not backwards!) and got a few things wrong. then i thought…..is there even really an order to the alphabet? why does n come after m? would it be such a big deal if it went nmop instead of mnop? the letters dont MEAN anything, its just an arbitrary order of the alphabet song, right???? and then just worrying about my powers of judgment. ¬†this is what was keeping me awake at 2 am. and i was thinking about cases and potential problems and what ifs even though i dont even work there anymore.

i thought damn this is why i partook MJ, to get rid of this. to blow all the thoughts out of my mind and try to get some damn rest. to REBOOT MUH BRAIN. to shut off your brain at the end of the day and go to sleep. becuase you got all day tomorrow to use it again, all day on stupid shit you can barely understand.

it wouldnt be as bad if it werent so urgent. but youve got a caller on hold and you have never heard of their problem before and you have no idea how youre going to fix it….but its your job to fix it, and you just want to do your damn job, but its so difficult!!!!

bringing the shit home to study it ultimately did make me more nervous and anxious, unless i got totally blazed. then i would STILL study for a little bit, but it was easier to turn mind off afterwards.

aaaannnnnddd i got up after a shitty nights sleep and am right back to reading it obsessively, nervously. i dont even HAVE the job anymore.

i had weird dreams but nothing about the woman. thank god.

its ON HER that she did this. i did not act perfectly but i did about the best i could consiering the circumstances and my state. she did not do a damn thing.

i think she is not used to rejecting guys who like her but who she doesnt like. she just doesnt have this social life skill. because she doesnt hang out with a lot of guys (which is good!) and shes only been in rels with guys SHE likes rather than casually fooking guys (which is good) so she’s not USED to being around guys who like her, but whom she has no interest in.

well she’ll certainly get better that at, as she learns to enjoy Being Single and Available and all the attention from Men. she’s gonna have to end up rejecting a lot of men then. and if she rejects them like this, that will reflect very poorly on her. this already reflects very poorly on her.

google how to fake confidence at work

stand up straight, eye contact, smile, dress well, speak clearly and not like youre nervous. great.

recorded voice file of my what to say during interview file. well i stopped at about 3 hours and 45 minutes hahahahaha.

stupid woman. god how could she do that to me. NO i was no angel, i was not blameless, and i learned lessons from my mistakes, but she did a fookload wrong, shit it was at least 60 40 if not 70 30 hahahaha.

hmm some research suggests you remember shit better when you take notes by hand instead of typing them.

anyway yeah i fooked up but she fooked up SO MUCH that it was basically her fault the rel ended. because she WANTED it to end. because she didnt have feelings. fine. jsut treat me with SOME respect. i thought i was entitled to just a LITTLE respect. unbelievable. no shit i was devastated. you would be too. god damn i cant believe my favorite woman could be such a b to me. she was my most important and really only female friend. she was a big deal to me. she meant a lot to me. its prob why i ended up getting feelings for her. when an important person leaves you before youre ready, it HURTS. and i am not talking about two old friends drifting apart over time. i am talking about a long term friendship in the medium stage. i signaled i wanted to step this up, she responded by saying NOOOOOOOO and stepping it down. in hindsight it makes more sense, but i didnt want to accept that she really wanted to be DONE. i just thought it was a rough patch we would work through.

there is a cute girl with a broken arm on jeopardy who looks about 20 years old, so much younger than me, yet she is a “BIOMEDICAL SCIENCE TEACHER.” ¬†wtf does that mean? i mean she looks like she is RIGHT out of college. graduated 2015 at age 21 and move right into a “biomedical science teacher” position as a FTE? ¬†(hahahaha) i know people who are still SUBBING YEARS after getting their teacher degree. oh because they dont have initiative like she does. they didnt go to HARVARD like she did. maybe she does teach for america. protip teach for america is VERY competitive and restricted to students like HARVARD, and the TFA grads do VERY well after finishing that program, getting FT teaching jobs at good schools, or going back to harvard hahahaha.

KATIE WALKER /
CHAPEL HILL, NC
BIOMEDICAL SCIENCE TEACHER

hmm chapel hill maybe she went to UNC, good school…….or maybe duke: GREAT school hahahaha. or she just got a teaching job in a Good City because she went to Harvard or Oxford hahahahahaha.

its a world you or me will never know, but i got a peek in it when i was young and went to a pretty prestigous college. it was SUPER middle class, like upper middle class, and middle class people came from out of state to establish middle class careers. lots of j00s. lots of phds. i had no idea there was a world like that, and it started my obsession on Status and Class and Rankings and COmpetition and Reputation of Schools and Companies and Cities and Jobs and shit. i was not ready for it, i was kind of overwhelmed, and i failed to make it work for me. shat the bed.

similar with my job, except that was a VERY low status job. and the job was MUCH more overwhelming! it kept me up nights hahahaha.

i wonder if i NEED medicinal MJ to help me sleep. it seemed like i slept better and could turn my mind of work stuff, when i got nice and blazed at the end of the day.

biomedical science teacher, i dont even know what that IS! and this gurl is 10 years younger than me, real overachiever haha.

theoretically she COULD have a masters degree and used that to get a part time teaching job at a real shitty college. but wouldnt she be more the type to just get a phd or work in biomedical industry? this tells me she just really wanted to be a teacher, which is fine. i guess i am just amused that they offer this kind of stuff in high schools, where i assume she is a high school teacher. amused but not surprised. a high end high school would probably have a huge College Pointing STEM emphasis in 2015. have high school classes in biomedical, electrical engineering, petroleum engineering, hahahaha. HIGH SCHOOL! well you got to to compete with the indians and the chicoms hahahaha. who will work for one-sixth the price. so dont get a biomedical engin degree unless you get it from MIT or whatever hahahaha. duke. maybe bang belle knox rough in the face when youre there hahahaha.

i have not watched any pornography in about 3 weeks. it is horribly degrading to women but the real tragedy is THIS IS HOW THEY TREAT THEMSELVES. they thing being used as a cvmdumpster is EMPOWERING. THEY LIKE THIS DEGENERACY.  they see porn and think OOO SECSY. EMPOWERING. the power of womens beautiful sexuality. what a sacred beautiful thing. i am woman hear me roar.

when these are just fatherless whores on drugs getting pimped out by scumbags for money. and getting their asses blown open. just 10 years ago women wouldnt let you stick a finger up their ass. now they applaud girls taking 10 c0x up the ass simulataneous, saying This. Is. Powerful. SExuality. Is. Beautiful. #LoveEquality

google coworkers dont like me

https://www.themuse.com/advice/the-right-way-to-ask-for-help-at-work

https://www.themuse.com/advice/what-leaders-say-when-they-dont-know-the-answer

http://lifehacker.com/how-not-to-be-the-coworker-everyone-hates-1492443040

ahahahah i am the office idiot, the office screw up, nobody likes me. that is not a good feeling either cuz people will not help you if they do not LIKE you. and all the experienced people have no respect for the new people. how the hell am i supposed to make it though ANOTHER hellish learning curve at another hellish job?

take valium on the job, get balzed MJ after the job, study every day, study cases, everythign that didnt make sense during the day, make it make sense, train yourself.

113

http://www.icmi.com/forums/topic59-i-want-to-speak-to-a-supervisor.aspx

had meeting with “shrink”, what did i learn. ¬†that i came a long way and learned a lot of important skills in my job. rose to the challenges. cant take that away from me.

also that confusion is inherent in all workplaces and we have to find a way to deal with it.

also that i have trouble turning my mind off when its time to go to bed and i have been working muh confusing job all day, then come home and study job stuff for hours. then its time to go to bed but i am too worked up to sleep.

also its not all my fault for things ending with woman. that if i were a better person she would have treated me better. nope. shrink said if someone is not even goi

IF SOMEONE DOESNT EVEN GIVE YOU THE TIME TO TALK TO THEM………THEYRE NOT WORTH YOUR TIME.

and that my only mistake was investing too much time and effort into something the other person was not investing any time or effort in. but thats not a horrible mistake. its understandable. also shrink confirmed that it wasnt my FAULT for getting FEELINGS, and reiterated you cant choose who you luv. if its something like a family member or something, THEN it would be a problem. but getting feelings for your long term female friend? perfectly normal.

cuz i think she was MAD at me for getting feelings, like how dare he, he was nver really my friend, etc, but this is obv NOT TRUE, but she wasnt gonna give me time to talk about it.

shrink said not to mention anything about a Longterm Personal Relationship during an interview, because it might give them doubts. saw that i was doing a good job, i took leave of absense to take care of personal and family issues, it was a carefully considered decision not without its risks, through careful saving and budgeting and emergency planning i was able to make this decision, and it has nothing to do with my work performance, I was rated highly by my supervisors, feel free to call them, i understand how this can be seen as a red flag, but it had nothing to do with my work performance, I was eligible for rehire, but after resolving my personal and family issues,  I feel I am ready for a new challenge bla bla bla.

 

DONT BOTTLE IT UP, BLURT IT OUT / THATLL DO, YA PIG

1011

it has been like 87 or so days, surviving barely. starting t get over it. might be 25% over it by now. therefore, 360 days to be 100% not bad! i have been predicting anywhere from 11 months to 1 year to 20 months. i will take 1 year! thats not too bad for a Complete and Total Heartbreak! I was In True Luv and got my heart ripped out and slaughtered!!!!!

so yeah. she was exhibiting many of dr gottmans “four horsemen of the apocalypse”, which are stonewalling, contempt, criticism, and….defensiveness

http://www.gottmanblog.com/four-horsemen/2014/10/29/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes

anyway perhaps defensiveness is a prelude to stonewalling. make the other person the bad guy by just shutting down so them even wanting to talk to you seems like an invasive act of aggression. dont violate me bad man. i dont have to talk!

no you really dont, but it would be really NICE.

these women of today hahahaha. they never want to work things out, they never want to try, they just want to QUIT. that feels bad man, when a woman would rather QUIT on you than work on shit, because they know they’re Just Not Into You At All. theres nothing to fix. just walk away.

well in my case i was always dumped essentially because there was no real feelings.

also its stupid that you have to bang a woman FAST or youll never get to bang her at all, otherwise she will put you in the friendzone hahahaha. what if you dont like women who move fast, because you rightfully think they are Sluts? Decent Women dont give it up Fast. they understand they can get preggers. even if they are on the whorepill hahahahahaha. they forget to take the pill one day, go out have have secs that night with some random guy or one of the fuccboiz, and boom a wild babby appears hahahahaha better go get it taken care of.

do i REALLY KNOW any women like this though?

just like i have the fantasy Perfect Angel women, i have the fantasy Horrible Whore woman, this evil Semen Demon that is the Imaginary Worst Woman Ever. but its not a real person, its imaginary, and then i assume all women are like that, just because she wears too much makeup, or she dresses like a slut hahahaha.

so i look for women who dont wear a lot of makeup and who dont dress ike sluts hahaha.

anyway i had most of the Four Horsemen in muh rel with the woman. except for criticism really because she just didnt talk to me enough.

well what did i learn. always communicate with the woman early. learn how to say WE NEED TO TALK. write them an email or text if she is not talking and you HAVE to say something. think from the very beginning, could you ever bang this girl? date this gurl? even if you are “respectful” of her rel with her boifran. force yourself to forget about the boifran and just meditate on you and her. is there anything there? tell the woman the INSTANT you think there is. constantly talk openly about her rel with the bf and your rel with her. shit try to bang her as soon as possible, becuase if it doesnt happen SOON, it will NEVER happen, and what if you wanted to date her 2 years in the future and she wont give you a chance because you didnt bang her when you first met her and didnt trust her or know her hahahahahahahaha. because that the best time for a woman to play Russian Roullette with Human Life. with guys she barely knows or trusts. see how the LEFT has degraded our women? in addition to promoting this kind of “IF IT FEELS GOOD, DO IT” and “Consent is the only thing that matters” view of sex for women, the LEFT also DESTROYS the nuclear family by removing fathers, who are crucial in raising well raised children. otherwise you children raised by Slut Single Mothers, and the children turn out to be Sluts, Bitches, Psychos, Deadbeats, Losers, Degenerates, Thugs, Sissies, Neckbeards, Failures.

anyway I DESERVED TO BE TREATED BETTER. I WAS WRONGED. I WAS SCREWED OVER.

well i think about woman3/2005. the closest to a dating rel i ever had. she dumped me but i dont think i realized It Was Over, becuase i continued to talk to her on the phone. but i didnt really hang out with her as much. well, i saw her and we talked and i helped her with moving and shit, but we never hung out one on one at night, where we could Make Out or even more. because she had dumped me you see. but i think i was thinking, well we can still make out and shit, i just have to be ok that she might do this with other guys too. i convinced myself that i didnt care. and because she was superficially nice to me still, i thought There Was A CHance.

so what happened. after a few months of this ambivalence, i began getting more angry and frustrated. i would see her and get mad and jealous. cuz i would see her hanging out with her ex boifran. that made me get mad. then i was just angry and passive aggressive at her a lot. then somewhere in there i managed to make out with her a little more. for about a week i was very hopeful we’d “get back together.” but really i had just worn her down with my abusive manipulation and she had no choice hahahahahahahahahaha.

but then i was mad again when we stopped making out, and i still saw her, and the “Ex” boifran, and was constantly angry at her, she was my “nemesis,” etc.

this is why its good to say ITS OVER, 100% and then to STOP talking and hanging out and seeing each other. so the Dumped/Dumpee knows that its REALLY over.

thats why i got so damn mad at her. but i forgave her eventually. took at least a year or even two for me to understand and forgive though hahahaha.

but yeah thats what happens when you get dumped and then you have to deal with the dumper on a regular basis afterwards. it is hard as fook and you get angry and stupid. and you are still desperate to try to get them back. horrible way to be. and you look like the bad guy because you are so angry and hateful and you look like a damn abuser. at that time i was getting horribly drunk and wrecking muh future.

she was too scared just to tell me “ITS OVER”. and i hated her and thought she was the worst person in the world, horrible slut, etc. now i think she was way less horrible than woman2015. she actually had at least 2 talks with me, the second time to say yeah i didnt think you liked me so much and this was hurting you so much, essentially apologizing or at least giving a shred of sympathy, like im sorry youre hurting so much, i didnt realize you had such deep feelz. so that was kinda kewl. but then i continued to be a bitch and was really not the better person. it was like i wanted to punish her for ever toying with me. but i was clearly stuck in the past and she had clearly moved on. looking at it now i am really embarrassed. i know i got drunk and did some stupid shit. not abusive but just showed it was still butthurt. the alcohol did not help. and i was drinking too much.

anyway thank god i am not doing that now. but anyway i prob had stronger feelings for woman2015 than woman2005 (aka woman3) ! and i KNOW that having WORK around her after she had rejected me was a recipe for disaster. i would have been a mix of anger at her, and desperately trying to “win her back” in a pathetic, angry way, like i can live without uuuuuuu hahahaha. also the job made me anxious enough. constant anxiety. and she gave me constant anxiety.

alot of that is on me because not everything in the world should give me such bad anxiety. but believe me this job would give even an average normie SOME anxiety, and same with the woman situation.

i guess the good news is……..oh yeah. i cant exist in any sort of friendzone. or as a “beta orbiter.” as soon as i get feelings for a gurl, i have to not Bottle It Up, and declare my feelings, and make the woman respond to it somehow. usually (aka always hahahaha) rejecting the feelings and our “friendship” ending. well because i am honest and essentially say i dont wanna be Just Friends any more, i want to be More THan Friends. then they say no and i say ok then IM done. this one jsut had that happen in the worst messiest stupidest way.

but there is no friendzone and etneral orbiter for ME!

DONT BOTTLE IT UP, BLURT IT OUT!

also ask yourself, is my female platonic friend attractive at all? how would i feel about fooking her? honestly. think abotu it for a couple weeks. what if she were single and available? basically….damn i hate to say force yourself to get feelings early! but maybe force yourself to get Secsual attraction early? this one is hard to describe.

all this assumes that you have met a decent woman who you get along with very well and now she is your friend and you were like wow that was easy, we really get along well, she is a really great person, too bad im not attracted to her, i hope she figures out stuff with her boifran.

then ask yourself: WHY are you not attracted to her? because of VALID reasons liek she’s fat or ugly or old or has kids? or for stupid ass autistic stupid INVALID reasons like “idk it feels weird” or she has a weird chin or a weird shaped head, but otherwise she is not ugly at all and is young, childless, nice skin, nice hair, etc.

what about STUMPY. or she has a very weird shaped Ass. well, i honestly dont like stumpy. weird shaped ass i can deal with a lot better than stumpy. woman2015 was the antithesis of stumpy, long arms and legs and that is kind my TYPE. her “weird shaped ass” was actually very NICE, but it was hard to tell what it looked like because she didnt wear SKIN TIGHT SLUT CLOTHES like most young women.

anyway. it sucks being so anxious at your job, getting your mind melted like taking a tuff exam all day every day, and THEN when you get home youre EXHAUSTED, but not TIRED, because your mind is RACING with half-thoughts and random weird shit popping in and out. you say this is fooking STUPID, and you are worried about the next day and the weird shit you’ll get then, so it actually relieves some anxiety to go to your work website and read cases, read knowledge base, read documentation, study the “textbook” and the “problems” so to speak. so you do that for 1-2 hours, perhaps while writing/journaling to Blow Off Steam, about how ridiculous the shit is, but you’ve got so much steam and so many racing thoughts that how the hell are you gonna relax and get to sleep?

smoking fooktons of MJ as soon as you get home is ideal, cuz then in a few hours you will relax and be able to sleep. but this isnt always doable. in fact only a minority of the time. because you dont know anyone who can get you MJ, or youre not gainfully employed enough to justify partaking MJ, or you dont have the privacy, etc.

its pretty likely that drinking a shit ton would help numb/clear your mind, but you would have to have at LEAST 5 drinks, at LEAST, and its hard to have 5 drinks without that turning into 8 or 10 or 12, and there is no way you could do the work with a HANGOVER the next day!

or that horrible feel when you wake up in the morning after shitty nonrestful manic sleep, and you think oh shit i couldnt have got more than 2 hours of sleep, i have no idea how i am gonna MAKE IT through today! but somehoe you do and by then youve been racking your brain again all day so you think well i could TRY going to bed right upon arriving home, neglect muh family, OR i could realize that i will lay there in bed with my mind racing abotu work ANYWAY, so i MIGHT AS WELL read the cases, read the knowledge base, try to KNOW EVERYTHING and be prepared for ANYTHING and STUDY MOAR. study for  1.5-2 hours until youve said IVE HAD ENOUGH!!!  and then i guess the idea then would be to either smoke MJ, get raging drunk, or go for a Huge JOG (no time for walk jog) until you are completely physically exhausted. 5 mile jog at least, i dunno. that would probably help.

i actually didnt hate the studying, it was easier for me to concentrate and retain information when i wasnt On A Call, Furiously Flailing to figure something out while the caller was on Hold and i was surrounded by Lost Souls doing the same thing. but to sit quietly at home, reading the shit, listening to some soothing music, no phones ringing, no people on hold, no case that needs to be solved right now, just trying to learn shit and put peices together, big picture and micro picture. sometimes with a nice MJ buzz going if i could get away with it. maybe exchanging some friendly nice texts with female friend and just gushing with feels especially when she gave me a ūüôā or especially the text heart ‚̧ which she did not give away like a whore spreading her cvnt, but once in a while, when i really touched her feels hahahaha. and then i would send a ‚̧ back and feel like we were Sharing True Love hahahahaha. i had a real hardon for those stupid hearts hahahaha.

well at that time i would get out 3 or 4 hours earlier than her and go home and study and she would still be there when it was a little bit slower, and i would text her while she was there and try to give her “moral support” which she was cutting off her moral support to me. ¬†well not entirely. in fact i thought everything was consistent with the family stress she had, i thought that fully explained her distance, plus she still responded to my texts, she still used smileys and sometimes even the long sought after heart, so…..mixed messages galore hahahaha. it was weird. you could text me but you couldnt talk to me, and damn sure couldnt hang out with me.

now i can see the obvious answer is to TEXT HER “hey btw i think im starting to get feelings for u” and BOOM DONE. ¬†but when you are under that much STRESS, you CANNOT THINK STRAIGHT. you lose your JUDGMENT. your ability to BE LOGICAL. i HATE that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

your Cognitions are Emotionally COmpromised!

and this is a VERY difficult mindset with which to do a demanding, fast-paced, high stress, rock and a hard place, constant confusion, super overwhelming JOB.

i still have that unclear mind. still cant think quite straight. still very angry and disappointed and damn.

but yeah. women these days. they have such little respect for their men they would just rather WALK AWAY. like the “deadbeat dad” they might have had. just walk away from your responsibility because you dont want to make the effort to fix it. because youve convinced yourself it can’t be fixed, or you dont care if its fixed, you dont want it to be fixed, you just want to ¬†be done with them. STUPID SHIT.

i still want her to “wake up” and damn email me. ya damn n199er hahahaha. i like this “the right stuff.biz” because they have FUN and have a sense of humor and are just a bunch of friendly young men instead of a bunch of bitter angry failure loser basement dweller men hahahaha. they have wives and gurlfrans and are successful normies, just the kind of people we need in the Movement. Racially Aware, Traditionalist, Far Right. No Enemies on the Right.

they had this podcast on soundcloud called “saturday night l’chaim” where the opening “skit” was a black slave escaping from his evil white “massa” who was whipping the slave and calling him a “damn n199er” as the slave begged for mercy saying “no mo massa, no mo!” this is my kind of humor and even reminded me of a short story i once wrote (2006?) only there it wasn’t slaves escaping the massa, it was Wage Slaves Working For A Living and lamenting how pathetic and sad their lives were, working 100 hours a week, making 1 cent an hour, having fat ugly cheating wives, being a lonely bachelor who hasnt been with a woman in 10 years, having to take care of dying relatives after coming home from a 20 hour shift, with no time for a 5 minute Smoke Break before the Boss Massa comes around looking to give them a whipping. i was on a job search and not having much success hahahaha.

i dunno. i think it is actually helpful to say YEP I WAS WRONGED. I WAS DONE WRONG. THAT WAS NOT FAIR TO ME. because thats a way of REjecting the False Belief of: I Was Entirely To Blame. This Is All My Fault. I MADE her Do this. Im the Bad guy.

because it recognizes that i am not the bad guy, and that she did have some damn agency and responsibility and could have treated me better! damn right!!!!!

heh. i would LUV to have a female fook buddy right now, it would totally help get my mind off her, make me feel liek a virile desirable masculine man. and its a lot easier for women to find fook buddies than men, for reasons that should NEVER have to be explained to ANYBODY. but i think this allows women to get over Breakups easier, cuz they are out slutting it up with casual secs with their fook buddies, and this helps them “Get their groove back.” average beta men do not have this luxury, so they wither away in the dead world of No Confidence and Self Pity.

come early and stay late at your job and suck off people who are on YOUR LEVEL to give you training on how to do your incredibly, mind bogglingly complicated confusing job. be like thank you massa, please massa, i will buy you lunch and dinner and starbucks and tim hortonz for training me with this wisdom. and they might say no you dont need to do that, just stop supplicating like a damn beggar hahahaha.

the other thought i had was to have a stash of quarters and then whenever someone gives you advice or answers a question, give them a quarter. kinda like people who offer you a quarter for a cigarette. well 2 quarters would be better for a cig hahahaha. or give the people who help you a cig.

or krispy kreme donuts. every week bring in at least 1 box of krispy kreme donuts, put them in the kitchen or wherever, and leave a big note saying “have a great day everyone! from [YOUR NAME]”

basically just BRIBING people SHAMELESSLY to NOT treat you like a piece of shit.

this is what you have to do to make it in the world.

note: that will not work with women, because they will RIGHTLY see you as a Supplicating Beta.

So i guess you could try the Alpha Approach at WORK, as well as with Women. not sure how to do that at all hahahaha. i usually try to throw in some kind of signal to “prove i’m not stupid” ie i’ve tried this and it didnt work, and i THINK the answer is related to xyz, but im just not familiar enough with this system to know, is there any advice to point me in the right direction so i can save some time, therefore saving the company money and making our Clients Happy? thank you in advance and help yourself to a donut in the break room.”

and buy 10 boxes of donuts a day. hahahaha.

no really you can build a lot of goodwill with a box of donuts or a $5 pizza. people LOVE FREE FOOD. or coffee.

so yeah bring in free food until everybody likes you. and if they think youre a SUCK UP or a KISS ASS, SO WHAT. better to be a KISS ASS and liked by the higher ups, cuz then they will be less of bitches to you than the people who dont kiss ass. you kiss ass so you can get preferential treatment for yourself.

but maybe what people dont like is when you are OBVIOUSLY kissing ass and dont REALLY like anyone. and sometimes i was a little OBVIOUS about my ass kissing.  well because i was scared and anxious too. desperate to people please. shit.

ok got in another 4.2 miler. ¬†listening to the damn matt forney podcast, not bad. he talks too fast but hes pretty funny and his topics are always good. i am still trying to connect him to the ferdinand bardamu from years ago. (yes i realize what the reference is to). i figured ferdinand would be a little older than me, but it turns out forney is a little younger than me, so naturally that doesnt make me feel good, this “young” man doing more with his life. but he is a good writer, a good talker, and deserves to make a living off what he does. being a writer and talker and personality. plus i like that he does a lot of interviews and sees the big picture.

in a way i have been “around” the “manosphere” since 2008, 2007ish, before there was a big picture. i was drawn to Game and Truth About Women blogs because i was insecure about rejected and dumped all the time hahahah. how could i make women be actually attracted to me and stop damn dumping me. have them see me as somebody they wanted to be with. keep a damn woman around for more than a few months hahahaha. so yeah the reason was because i was a needy beta obviously.

but i could make friends with women!

well, so can millions of beta orbiters. really i am just graduating from v9k to r9k with that one. graduated from kissless virgin to friendzoned beta orbiter and can occasionally get short term secs with crazy sluts. fatherless, bipolar, borderline, single mothers, tattoos, piercings, waitresses, postwall, high mileage. not the type of woman you want to marry or even date. although if they are crazy, young, no kids, no tattoos, middle class, then the crazy wont be enough to scare you away hahahaha. i ran into that problem. but i dont think at this age, with my lack of potential, i’ll run into it again! that if i manage to pull some crazy gurls, they will have a few other significant strikes against them, see above.

matt forney spoke in a podcast about hate mail he got for an article he wrote about “5 reasons women with tattoos or piercings are Broken Women” which was one of his most hated articles, hahaha. anyway he got a shitload of hate mail from pro-tattoo women who called him a small dicked basement dwellling neckbeard loser woman hater who obviously was butthurt abotu being dumped by a gurl with tattoos.

and then i thought…..SO WHAT? so what if he was dumped by a crazy gurl with tattoos? doesnt he have the right to be angry about that?

well sure he does!

does he have the right to write about it?

probably yes. maybe make the person anonymous and say he’s writing about one particular person and that Not All Tattooed Women Are Like That.

but thats the thing about Not all women are like that, is that this is the exception not the rule! most women ARE like that! or they can be easily swayed into becoming liek That! of course most tattooed women are like that!

so muh female friend was not a slut, but she was an Abandoner and a coward and even more Emotionally Retarded than I am!!!! which is saying a lot. cuz i let my negative emotions get out of control and allow them to Derail muh whole life. but i know how to have Empathy and Sympathy for others.

but its hard to have absolute empathy. possibly she has no idea how MUCH i was hurt, so she doesnt feel that bad, if at all. heh. well if i didnt feel HORRIBLE, i wouldnt have quit muh damn job. but i wanted to quit muh job ANYWAY hahahaha.

also its a LOT EASIER to just Throw Someone Away like garbage when you dont have Luving Feelings for them.

its a lot easier to throw away a friend rather than a lover.

and i wasnt much of a friend anymore in her book. she was already detaching from me for a long time. the “friendship” was on its last leg. plus she didnt really like me any more, she was annoyed thoroughly at me.

so….thats why it was so EASY for her to throw me away, and why she didnt feel too bad/guilty about it. she didnt even LIKE me. she was annoyed and angry and contemptuous about me. she just wanted to WASH HER HANDS of me.

but i was in LOVE with her, so being thrown away HURT 90000000000000 times more!

for her it wasnt even like “throwing away”, it was kinda like cringingly scooping up a dead disgusting centipede off the floor and flushing it down the toilet.

well, in other words, she didnt think she was “throwing me away.” it was more like sweeping away dead skin or dust or hairballs off the floor, rather than Selling Out A Special Person.

She was special to ME, I was not special to her. so its not a big deal for her to turn her back on me. but since i was in LOVE with her, it was ABSOLUTELY DEVASTATING to me!!!!!!!

it all makes perfect sense now hahahaha.

but yeah it was shocking becuase i thought i was just a little bit more special to her than THAT. I thought she still had SOME regard for me. some respect for what we once had. maybe she did, but she sure didnt act like it, and she’ll never talk to me about it, so i will never know.

but yeah. if it would have been too hurtful to HER to throw me away, she simply wouldnt have done it! it would have been less painful to talk to me! but as it was, it was more painful to talk to me than to “throw me away.”

i call it throwing me away. she called it something that she just had to do because she couldnt handle me anymore.

well you can see how that makes me feel like a million bucks. people just cant take me anymore so they cut off all contact forever. great. really makes me feel good about myself hahahaha.

so yeah she knew i was kinda Sensitive and this would hurt me! so just talk to me!

but that was too hard. easy way out remember? ive done it myself. i kinda did it by quitting the job.

not that this is easy! but it is probably easier than staying at that shit job, and seeing her for 8 or even 4 hours a day.

i am just a little butthurt though because the job was finally starting to become slightly less shit. because i was off of inbound phones thank god, and i was starting to earn respect from the faggot higherups because i actually knew the super confusing shit that i fought so hard to understand. with no help from the level 2’s. WELL except 1 or two of them who were not dicks to me. that was part of the Company Culture. Level 2’s were Dicks to Level 1’s, becuase level 1s did not learn super confusing shit fast enough. and they were butthurt they had to help us. so they gave us shitty help and were very stubborn to escalate shit we obviously couldnt handle. just constant fookin ball busting. giving bullshit answers we could never tell the caller. we wanted to say well YOU come here and talk to them asshole, but they would just laugh. they didnt have to talk to anyone.

WELL, some of the level 2’s did, them i didnt hate as much.

but increasingly they were pulling level 1’s into that job. instead of promoting them. there were no promotions ever. i never saw anyone get promoted at least.

well sorry thats a lie. i saw ONE person get promoted. pretty notably. shot up from level 1 to level 3. it was pretty controversial. good guy but why not promote a level 2 who had been there longer? because that doesnt matter. and this was the one and only promotion i had ever seen of anybody in 12 months of being there.

there was a lot of Couples at the place. i mean there are a lot of people in this world desperate for a job and this place hires a bunch of people every year cuz high turnover, so somebody gets in, then they refer their bf or gf in soon after, cuz we all need shitty jobs. i think this is a good thing cuz they can give each other moral support on the job, and they can Quiz and Study and Talk about Job Knowledge while they are off the job. talking abotu the job is a valid way to learn the crazy material, but if you dont hang out with anybody from the job outside of the job, then you dont do this.

and what better way of hanging out with somebody from the job than to be dating them and making secs tapes with them and cheating on them hahahaha.

point is, its gonna help you know the material better to talk with somebody about it, outside of work, for even an hour, on a regular basis. like a STUDY GROUP.

also they can help you on the job and be less likely to be bitchy at you for asking questions, becuase they supposedly luv you.

so maybe i am a narcissist with terrible boundaries. thats why i am so mad when she stopped giving me my “narcissistic supply” ¬†meaning stopped obeying and complying with me. so then i lose my shit when they rebel against my control and manipulation.

well my Rational Response to that Automatic Negative Thought (see dr david d burns, md, “feeling good”, one of muh despair heroes) is….cuz im trying to convince myself that im NOT an evil narcissist! is

i was not trying to manipulate her, i just wanted to talk to her

i didnt KNOW she wanted to throw me away

i had a RIGHT to discuss being thrown away

talking to me would be the mature thing to do if she wanted to end the rel

though i did kinda have boundary issues, namely, i wanted to FUSE with her, and i would let her walk all over me and bust my balls, without standing up for myself and saying this isn’t right, this is not ok, lets talk about this, or else im gonna let YOU go.

i will work on muh boundary issues.

i am pretty selfish and self centered but i am probably not a NARCISSIST. even if having a blog where you talk about your life like its SO IMPORTANT is kinda narcissistic.

heh well its important to ME mother fooker. also i DO want to help others. i am just having a horrible time right now. i am in a LOW here the likes of which i have not been in since….2008 or so. 2009. well before this blog even began. i was doing GOOD then. when i am doing well then i can speak to the losers better. but right now i am in the DEPTHS of my own loserness. shit has gotten REAL.

looking at the map again, the capital of lichtenstein is vaduz. hahaha. i would have been a good traveler during muh 20s hahahahaha.

i wish i grew up in europe hahahaha. it is easier for you to be normie and non autistic and get pretty young gurls there. even the most beta male in like romania or hungary or switzerland gets a pretty young gurl hahaha.  sure keep telling yourself that.

see your mind automatically goes to the worst of all worlds. i am not a kissless virgin because i am just am not. i kissed a gurl and had secs with one 10 years ago hahahaha. i am not eternally friendzone becuase when i get feelings i TELL the gurls. and then we are no longer friends hahaha so QED no friendzone. the real problems are the huge secsy dry spell, and basically gurls rejecting me for being more than friends. but i refuse to be trapped in the friendzone. indeed, what i have done recently could be described as BREAKING OUT OF THE FRIENDZONE. well to be accurate, she wasnt really friendzoning me either. she was just praying that that signals i was sending were not true, and backing away slowly. she didnt really want to pretend to be just friends either. she wouldnt even hang out with me. that IMHO is friendzoning, when the gurl knows you like her, and youre too much of a pussy to tell her, AND she still hangs out wiht you and doesnt feel weird about it cuz she doesnt really care that you like her.

 

WASNT MEANT TO BE / IMPAIRED JUDGMENT

917

no contact is best contact hahaha. ok no more contact. has it even been a month since i sent her The Final Email? I hope so.

ok i sent it aug 17, and so it was automatically deleted form my trash folder.

so, exactly one month today of no contact! good for me hahahaha.

of course reading mub breakup book “getting past your breakup” ¬†learned that in some NC situations, the person DOES respond to you, and youre supposed to not respond to them. or maybe say “i want to go no contact, i am not going to respond to you any more. please do not expect a reponse from me. we need a clean break” or some shit.

it looks like SHE wants to go no contact with me!

but yeah its weird its like she was in love with me and i broke her heart the way she is acting!

i hate that thought. but it cant be true because if she were in love with me, then she would have Accepted Muh Invitation to the Dance Of Luv, and would have Melted when I confessed my feelings to her, and said yes yes yes i luv you too! rather than just going away.

when you are in a completely shitty dysfunctional relationship that needs to end, perhaps even abusive, or there is a huge power imbalance (i def had that, she had all the power, i was begging like a beggar from the queen); then the person who is being abused or at least just being shit on always finds a way to BLAME THEMSELF: “If i werent so shitty, if i didnt make this one mistake, then they would treat me better. i caused them to do this. i made them beat me because i was stupid and did something wrong and deserve this punishment. its my fault. i caused this.”

i definitely fall in to this trap! i think I am the root cause, that i started this, by being Pushy and Weird, therefore i deserved and caused her to react the way she did.

well in a true healthy relationship, she would want to communicate and talk, she would be willing to do that, rather than just Packing Her Bags and Checking Out.

Relationships involve some responsibility and even sacrifice, in the sense that you have to think of your partners feelings sometimes. its not all about you hahahaha. you have to care about them and not want to see them hurting. you have to be there for them. you want to help and support them. if they are begging for support from you that you are not giving…..not a good sign.

so very  simply, she was not interested in being in a rel!

i had already committed. i guess i committed back in october. but she never committed. she didnt HAVE to of course. thats a decision only she can make. it was just hard for me accepting that decision, plus i always wanted to hope for the best.

so yeah she never agreed to any committment or responsibility or sacrifice, so i cant really be mad at her right.

well i still say that our friendship obligated her to certain responsibilities, like talking to me when the friendship was in trouble.

anyway i was trying to say that in some no contact cases, the person who broke your heart contacts YOU or does respond to you. and that can result in various stuff: them wanting to be friends, or you arguing and things getting REALLY ugly.

well if she contacted me i would luv it, especially if she said “i was so wrong i really want to have a rel now” then i would say yes yes yes yes!

yeah it would have been WORSE if we had actually Gone Out! and done all sorts of stuff, and her showing me Love even more intense that the Niceness she had shown me in the past; and i would have even more Good Stuff connecting me to her…..and then if she were to sweep all that away and fall out of luv, yeah that would have been even worse.

so yeah it could have been way worse!

in my case, it NEVER REALLY BEGAN!

but it still hurts anyway becuase i DID know the person and were were (used to be) really friends. not just someone you pseudo date and fook for a few short months.

i was closer to her in our nondating friendship, for much longer, than i was to girls i pseudodated.

and pseudodating is the only kind of dating i know hahahaha! i would have liked to Actual Date muh female friend, but IT WASNT MEANT TO BE hahahahaa

i dont think she was released from her responsibilities-as-a-friend the moment i got more-than-friend feelings, ie, i no longer had the right to communicate with her, and she no longer has the responsibility to communicate with me. it was relevant to both of us to talk about How Our Relationship was changing. sure it was my “Fault” for getting feelings, but i dont apologize for that.

the book says people can jump into a new rel without resolving the lingering grief or pain from previous rels or losses or whatever. hahahaha this is not possible for low status men who are lucky to ever have a brief pseudodating rel with a woman hahahaha and then many years of single loneliness in between.

of course if you have a rewarding career its easier to be single and confident and secure….but the majority of people dont have rewarding careers.

i guess a Rich Social Life could also be good and confidence building. my social life is OK, but its certainly not at its strongest. when i was younger, i had more people i was closer to, whereas now, i seem to have more Walls Up and not willing to make a deeper connection.

i like to build up these Monstrous Fictions of peoples lives, just when people watching, and ASSUME THE WORST about them, when i have NO IDEA.

therefore i think everybody is a degenerate soulless nihilist cheater chav pleb idiot moron evil stupid filthy animal……..even though i have NO evidence.

example i caught myself in yesterday: i was sitting in the car finishing a Voice Recording before going into trivia and i saw two people from a Rival team pull up and go in, and i began concocting the Horror Story and telling it right then and there:

oh he’s a dorky beta male, but probably gainfully employed, no major emotional probs, not fat, he just looks kinda nerdy with his beard and glasses, but he is prob the perfect beta male, and theres his gurlfran with him, who seems like a nice person, but she is NOT ATTRACTIVE AT ALL, how can he be attracted to her??? because shes a nice person, and the only hope for a beta male, who is 1000000 times more successful and well adjusted and normal than me btw, for a longterm rel, is with an Unattractive Woman! I mean he is better looking than HER for gods sakes, those types of things bother me.

well maybe its not a monogamous rel, maybe they have agreed on an open rel where he can get action on the side, as well as her.

or maybe they have the worst kind of open rel, where he IS attracted desperately to an unattractive woman, but she’s not really attracted to HIM, and SHE wanted to have the open rel so SHE could get some Strange Dick on the Side, and he desperately agreed because it was the only way he could be with her in ANY way! and she is enjoying 10 strang dicks a day and he’s lucky if he’s had even 1 Outside Fling out of this Open Rel.

see? automatically assuming the worst, and often with huge anti-woman themes, or the woman is the villain, women more evil and degenerate than men, etc.

so i caught myself right there while i was recording it and said well maybe not. maybe they are just a happy, normal, boring couple, the end.

but yeah i always make up these ridiculous worst case scenario stories in my mind.

DONT DO THAT!

ask yourself, do i have ANY EVIDENCE for this ridiculous story im concocting?

probably not.

ok time to try out the new 3.6 miler hahahaha.

ok did that. not bad. beautiful day.

she not unfair because she didnt luv me, she was unfair in the way that she just threw me and our whole past away without….not “closure” per se, but rather not treating our relationship with the respect and dignity it deserved, in my opinion. we had a good friendship and it would have been hard to lose that even in a peaceful way. its like when a good person dies, you pay your respects at their funeral and grieve for them. you dont just throw them in a ditch and forget abotu them. something of value was lost.

for me more was lost than the friendship, but SHE still lost the friendship TOO and should have been more affected by that.  SHOULD hahahahaha see people like us get into the SHOULDS hahahaha. no nobody should do anything, you cant expect shit out of even your friends, dont trust anybody ever. sounds kinda NIHILISTIC hahahaha.

man linkedin is the worst shit ever.

i also am jealous of the woman being more successful at our shitty job than me. it was a weird job. it wasnt shitty shitty. it was the best job many people there had ever had. many 40+ people who were just recently completing Bachelors Degrees in INformation Technology from Devry or Southern New Hampshire College, rather than the Successful Middle Class Thing, wchih is complete a Computer Science Degree from at least a Second Tier Skool by age 22 and immediately start getting good experience.

(note well: i think the quality of education provided by some “crap online” college is just as good as that of a Normal Second Tier Brick and Mortar U. its just that the online skools are an even bigger scam because they cost more, and because employers unfairly discriminate against these people and filter out god damn candidates who have these skools in their education. and then you see people weeping with tears of joy for gettng their college degree in these commercials. absolutely disgusting.)

so many people would just not walk out of the job like i did, because it is the Best Job they’ve ever had!

it paid well but i was that desperate to get away from the female. plus i was resentful in that she was not willing to give me any more moral support on the job. she started out doing well at this, but the well ran dry. i resented her for saying bullshit like “just take it as it comes” and “dont let it bother you” when i wanted her to give me concrete technical tips to deal with the confusing shit.

then i got passive aggressive and would intentionally ask her ridiculous technical questions and she would say i dunno lol and i would say but its your job lol i just got one of these questions lol and basically wanted to point out that i was smarter than her and knew the job better.

this was after things started officially going downhill. because i really resented her refusing to hang out or talk to me.

out of the 10 months i was in luv with her, the first 3 or 4 months were “good”, and the rest was bad. first it was fresh and fun and exciting, the butterflies, warm fuzzies etc, then it got Crazy Making, because it wasnt going anywhere and i couldnt talk to her. thats when i started doing that passive aggressive shit. yeah it was wrong but still i dont think i deserved muh treatment.

so she got her moral support from other people and i was jealous; she greatly reduced the moral support she gave me and i was jealous; i got good moral support from other people, smart men who were full of smart technical insights, but i still resented her withdrawing.

sure i was leaning on her too much. i was treating her like muh lover when she had never agreed to anything of the sort. so yeah i did bring this all on myself hahaha i am the root cause, i made her do this hahahaha.

lesson learned is same as it ever was: just tell them about your feelings as soon as possible, within 3 or 4 months at the latest. period. otherwise it will just get ridiculously ugly. especially if you work together. in close proximity. in a very stressful, confusing, stupid job.

that pushes weak insecure people like me to their breaking point and then they quit!!!

so yeah i was wrong for being passive aggressive to her. im not even sure if she realized it though. by that time she was very obtuse and hard to read.

plus our job was to know technical shit. i asked ridiculous technical questions to my male moral supporters and they didnt mind.

i mean i didnt like being so weak and insecure that i NEEDED so much moral support. but it WAS a tough job and a CENTRAL PART of it was people getting CONFUSED and I DUNNO ALL THE TIME, that you NEEDED a chat room of Knowledgeable Smart Experienced People to Give Advice ALL DAY. Level 2’s advising the level 1’s because the level 1’s dont know the answer. this was normal.

well if it was up to me, the level 2s would be walking around helping you in person rather than the STUPID chat room.

and it would be easier to transfer a call to a level 2 rather than bang your head against the wall trying to figure something out that you didnt know while the caller was waiting for you to fix it as quickly as possible. and they dont understand this is normal, for people to not really know what they’re doing all day. but it is. it is really hard to adapt to. i dont know how i adapted to it. probably the moral support of muh female friend. then i started liking her, then the moral support stopped. damn.

oh well. its over and i have 1 full month of no contact now. but she is making shit tons of money now and i am making jack shit and will probably never get another job that pays that well again. never mind that job was not enough to own a home or have a family or live the upper working class american dream! and the health insurance SUCKED, and it was better NOT to get it, and only kicked in after ONE YEAR, which at least 60% of hires don’t make it to. that is the kind of place it was.

another 3.6 miler. not bad hahaha. ideally i will do one more.  got to get the 10 miles today.

now here comes the Misanthropic Contempt again, the Spite Towards Humanity, which i had before i was in luv, and which the luv sort of takes the edge off. well i think that our Platonic Rel kinda took the edge off of that too, since now i knew an Actual Woman who wasnt Degenerate Nihilistic Disgusting Promiscuous Stupid Scum like Crabs In A Bucket. or Maggots or Roaches Or Rats in a Bucket. disgusting vermin writhing and crawling all over each other hahahaha.

this is why its good to have female friends, so that women are more Human to you. yeah. so i would think welp its nice to know ALL women arent like that, like my female friend is a decent nice human being. wonder why i am not in luv with her. hmm. hahahahaha. then she ended with her longterm boifran and immed started dating a new guy and then i was in luv with her hahahaha.

now im like oops i was the bad guy and i caused this and i made her and i deserve this, because i was passive aggressive.

yeah not my finest hour.

if you start being passive aggressive then its time to blurt it out, thats a sign that things have gone bad. and they had. this was well after month 3.

uhh what if you do if youve already been rejected and you are being passive aggressive to the gurl.

uhhh i havent done that for 10 years, when i was in college hahaha and actually had cute gurls in the social circle, and they might reject me, or give me no signals, and i would “punish” them by being passive aggressive, getting drunk and being bitchy, becuase i didnt like being attracted to people who werent attracted to me hahahaha.

well they say to REJECT THE REJECTOR and i like that a lot!

meaning, dont seek approval from someone who doesnt approve of you, if they are gonna reject you, then you go ahead and reject them! you dont want someone who doesnt want you!

and then try to go no contact hahahaha.

i am thinking of a “mini crush” i had in 2005. i wasnt in luv with the gurl but i wouldnt mind some casual secs with her cuz she was qt. but i didnt have the charisma or Fun To Be Around to make college gurls want to have casual sex, and i got jealous when she showed interest in other men but not me. i had already been rejected by like 3 gurls that year hahahaha. so i know i got drunk and was bitchy to her, in the bitchy way that a beta male is to a woman who rejects him.

well, rejection is never fun for anyone and it is ok to be angry about it. but the problem is getting bitchily angry at them.

its probably ok to have a mature conversation with them and be like im sorry but i am kinda angry at you because when you say this i feel this and i know thats not what you mean, but lets talk about this and hug it out bitch hahahahahaha but honestly i did nt have great communication with this gurl either.

well i never hung out with her one on one and never got to know her and never spent a lot of time with her. i had less than 1% the connection i had with woman2015. so really i never communicated well on any level with this one gurl, we had no connection or no communication at all.

so big difference with woman2015, i did commuincate with her very well at the start. we talked a lot, and talked very easily, and became actual friends. none of that happened with that above college gurl.

just using an example hahahaha. from my life of failure with wimmin hahahaha.

MASTER OF FAILURE hahahaha (credit millennial woes). no success whatsoever. well, i have pseudodated gurls short term, and also had long term female friends hahahaha.  so therefore i am not a total woman hater. i am desperate to not be a woman hater. i have had SEVERAL female friends where i was friends with them for like 2 years, maybe more. like i had female friends when i was in college and i never fell in luv with them!

anyway real misogynists like elliot rodger never have any female friends ever. you cant be friends with a woman on a human level if you hate all women!

also i get along well with older menopausal women hahahaha.

however, all the women i became actual friends with, were NEVER UGLY. i wonder if this means something. i might not have been attracted to them at the time, like back in the day i was actively pursuing other women when i made my female friends; but they were never ugly. i do wonder about that. why didnt i even make friends with an ugly, completely unattractive woman?

well thats kinda ridiuclous to say. i mean its hard enough to make friends to begin with, LET ALONE women friends. so now i should turn down a female friend becuase she’s not UGLY enough? hell to the no!

i dont think you should be too rational or too emotional. i do think some emotion and irrationality is a good thing, as bad as it sounds. but 70 30, or 60 40 at the most hahaha.

with rational being the bigger number of course!

so degenerate, soulless, evil, nihilistic modern women simply have no respect for human life. at all. life is garbage to them. the way they treat human beings. replace them, dispose of them, murder their own children, play with loaded guns, let strangers try to reproduce with them casually, kill those offspring casually, revolving door of those strangers, they are like sociopathic rats.

well lets challenge this poisonous hateful misogynistic narrative. i dont really BELIEVE that, do I?

of course not! but it kinda feels like this sometimes.

moral of the story, have TWO female friends in case you fall in luv with one of them. then that can fail and go to hell, but you will still have another female friend to convince you that not all women are soulless evil, and that you are not a hatefull, violent, abusive woman hater! because otherwise you wouldnt have a female friend!

because women haters cant have female friends, ugh. because. /sarcasm.

hehehe. this is the type of collegefag middle class marxist response where you give them a huge slap on the face with yo dick. becuase they are just trying to troll you and nothing you can do or say will keep you from being a woman hater, even if you volunteer 80 hours a week at an abused womens shelter. then you would be treating women as “charity volunteer porn fetish objects and dehumanizing them” or something.

but yeah its a lot easier to fool yourself into thinking youre a horrible woman hater IF you have no female friends. otherwise you could jsut ask your female friend am i a woman hater, and she would say of course not, dont be ridiculous.

thats the other thing about being a depressed anxious depressed master of failure. is that you question your own judgement. you just dont know if you are right. you are not confident you are right. because youve been wrong SO MANY TIMES before. even if you are pretty smart. youve still been so wrong about so many things. important things. life decisions. jobs, skool, relationships. you being pretty smart has not kept you for being horribly wrong on so many things.

so you doubt your own judgment. you feel your judgement is somehow IMPAIRED. like with drugs or alcohol.

well my judgment was right about other things. like i dont think it was a bad decision to fall in luv with female friend. it wasnt really a decision anyway, plus it also pretty much made sense: i had known her for a long time, she had a lot of good qualities, not a lot of bad qualities.

also i managed to do pretty good at my stupid job, where you have to think and bullshit on your toes, live by your wits, and only the strong survive, and i did, so therefore i was strong.

oh yeah got the 10 miles in. 10.8 actually hahahaha. still fat. need to bump it up.

cant get a 10DAH job, cant get a woman under 30 who hasnt take 30000 cox and had 30000 abortionz, soulless evil nihilist sociopaths hahaha, but i can walkjog 10-12, 12-14, 14-16 miles a day and move from fat to skinny.

i am not so autistic and weird that i dont have friends thank god. however i am not super duper close to them, i kinda want CLOSENESS, and i used female friend for that, and had a fantasy world where we were really close,  i wanted to be CLOSE to her. she decidedly did NOT want that. that sucked hahaha. but the fantasy of closeness was convincing and made me feel like i WAS close to her, when i wasnt. now i dont feel close to anyone! well my new male friend from my job i quit, i had/have a mancrush on him, feel a connection and a closeness that is kinda like what im looking for, and he is fun and we get along and he makes me feel normal and not a psycho weirdo hahaha.

my other friend has so many problems and kinda disappoints me so i dont WANT to be too close to him!

i have other friends that i do trivia with but….. i dunno. i dont feel motivated to hang out with them outside of trivia! i like them just fine, and trivia is fun, but….i dunno. me and my damn connection and spark and all that shite. i dont really want to get any closer there!

basically the only person i wanted to even GET close to was her. and i was harshly rejected there of course. with extreme prejudice! didnt expect that out of a person i had know for 2.5 years, didnt seem part of her character. incongruous. dissonant hahaha. have i said this hahaha.

in the military i would be a DESERTER.

although i would not have deserted her, or any other woman i LOVED hahaha.

skills gap. weird. all these unemployed people are unemployable because they just dont have the SKILLS needed for minimum wage jobs.

are the stupid college not giving the skills? or are they? where do you get the god damn skills employers want? if its not college, then why go to college? so many people going to college and getting their degrees in their 30s 40s and 50s and they STILL get the shittiest jobs. on the phone all day being confused for 12DAH and no health care hahahaha.

kids going into college dont know how to read or write. kids graduating college dont have the skills to get an entry level job. wtf. this is what will lead to a revolution among the young. some awesome neoreactionaries. i can get into this movement. but its already a young mans thing, and they woudl be able to steal any cute young gurls from me hahaha i wish i was young again! thats what i really want. but it is not possible. cannot be done.

but yeah it sucks to be Cognitively Compromised just because you are Emotionally COmpromised. because being able to THINK STRAIGHT QUICKLY is essential to survival and employment. and mating. cuz you gotta be FUN TO BE AROUND for women to like you hahaha.

i have always been SEEKING WOMENS APPROVAL.

well isnt that kind of good and normal?

i see it as part of being a Social Animal and you need different kinds of Social Ties: Family, Friends, and then Special Luv Relationships.

heh. i mean i think its ideal to have more women in your life than only your mother hahahaha. even if you get along with your mother.

then its good to have female friends.

then its good to have female Special Friends.

so i am not Misguided as to what i think is degenerate: casual sex, cheating, throwing people away, hedonism, abortionz, partying, but i might be overestimating where/who i see that, that is, thinking someone is a degenerate when i dont really have any evidence of degen behavior.

WHERE IS THE EVIDENCE, ask yourself.

i mean sometimes there is evidence of course, like when you know this gurl has fooked all these guys. you know which damn guys by name. she has fooked antonio and biff and charlie and dougie and leroy and rodney and tyrone and jamal and mohammed and iqbal and jorge and horxo and javier and  etc hahahaha.

yes i am ashamed of many things abotu myself but i am not ashamed to be a racist ahahaha.

anyway, always ask for the evidence when you make a story about somebody being a degenerate.

more for your OWN benefit than for THEIR benefit. because it eats away at you to be so hateful and misanthropic. but sometimes its hard NOT to be!!!!  this is probably part of the Cognitive Distortions of derpression i suppose.

but yeah employers want critical thinking and all that bullshit that useless degrees like the humanities claim to teach you “CRITICAL THINKING” but they dont, because you cant even get a 12DAH job that wants you to use CRITICAL THINKING.

so yeah i think critical thinking is a good thing in the sense that it is actually intelligent logical complicated abstract complex smart thinking, and not marxist relativist degenerate nihilist nothing is right nothing is wrong there are no values, there is no meaning. etc.

and dont confuse critical thinking with critical THEORY, in which there is NO actual critical thinking. critical THEORY is marxist graduate skool bullshit, total nihilism, that wants to deconstruct everything because its racist and oppressive and its ok to be a soulless nihilist sociopath killing your babies and throwing away your family and friends like rats squirming as they get drowned in a bucket.

 

PAYOFF MATRIX

916

hehehe it comes in waves. this is all so stupid. well it does make sense, i am very devastated because the Luv Was Real. because I Knew Her, THEN the Luv came on. with the other broads, i was truly in luv with a fantasy. you start off with immediate infatuation, always bargaining with them for time, hangouts, and the secs which is the only currency they understand, trying to be a macho man, then 3 months later or less they dump you and it hurts a lot, but really you NEVER KNEW THEM. they were in and out of your life in 3 months. you wanted to know them but you never really knew them. this is how modern women have sexual relationshits hahahaha.

well with her i thought i really KNEW her, from two years of issue free friendship. when i first met her i was getting over another woman, i couldnt even have feelings for anybody else for a while, i was in a hateful, loveless, nihilistic phase much like now, except then i had some kind of easy low paying job and a nice new female fren hahahaha.

so there were no stupid secs games, just two people slowly getting to know each other over a period of much longer than 3 months, no begging or bargaining, just a mutual win win situation.

only after i really knew her did some super strong feelings come in like a flood.

so yeah that mean the luv was more real, and based on a real foundation.

and was even harder to lose!

and not in a good way either. a beautiful thing ended int he worst possible way.

and im sure it WAS a positive thing for her until late last year, when she started checking out.

well ill never know what she was thinking. maybe she wasnt checking out. she was probably confused like i was!

but yeah it was natural for me to fight to keep the rel, there was nothing else i COULD do! it wasnt really a challenge, i wasnt gonna NOT fight for it! i didnt really HAVE a choice.

also, what did i WANT. what was my INCENTIVE. what was my potential PAYOFF. a luving rel with muh perfect woman. pretty big payoff. of COURSE i did what i had to do.

now she had a choice. she could either have an awkward tuff talk with me, or just walk away and quit.

CUI BONO?

WHO? WHOM?

hahahaha.

ANYWAY the only possibly PAYOFF for HER fro talking to me was to get good karma, and Let Me Down Easy, do a Favor for a Former Friend. BUT the cons were it was an extremely awkward talk where i would probably beg her and act weird. so the pros did not outweigh the cons for her. the payoff was not worth it for her. for me, the payoff was immensely worth it. my payoff was a True Luving Relship. for her there was no such payoff because she did not like me.

the payoff for Doing and Saying Nothing was, she got to get out of the Relship like she wanted, and she got to avoid a painful conversation. win win for her. lose lose for me. zero sum game hahahahaha.

“but luv is not a zero sum game”

well when it is one sided luv, it sure as fook is!!!!!!! like this case.

path of least resistance. avoiding uncomfortable conversations WHERE there is no big payoff to you.

i was begging to have the uncomfortable conversation because the payoff to me was HUGE.

she was desperate to NOT have the uncomft convo because there was no real convincing payoff for her. so i might hate her less, so it would be better karma. OR she could just be DONE with the whole overwhleming overbearing intolerable situation RIGHT NOW. so its not surprising why or how she went that route.

payoffs. do what you want to do. the payoffs influence/are your wants. and if you really want it, you will do it. because of the payoff.  the pros outweigh the cons hahaha. very simple.

if anything its a negative sum game. i had a net negative experience. i wish id never met her. the costs outweighed the benefits of the entire relationship. we had some very good times, but it wasnt’ worth the pain that followed.

i would assume her experience was less negative because she had less invested. but she probably just forgot abotu the good times, or realizes its the past, the past is gone, look forward to a fun future of cocks and badbois and excitement and unexpected pregnancies.

so, forget the good times, and get the annoyance (UGH.) of a loser weirdo in luv with you.

for me, the past was very very good, but the heartbreak was very very very very very painful. add them up and what do you get. very very very painful and bad. the end.

net loss. my life would have been better if i had never met her. period. the end.

now when a real relationship  (well, we kinda did have some kind of real relationship tho, a two year friendship) ends WELL, both parties can agree, that ran its course, it was a GOOD RUN, but we can both agree there is no future here, so have a good life, good bye.

when both people want out, not when one person desperately wants IN , the other person desperately wants OUT.

so yeah everything really does make sense. people do what they really want, given the payoffs they are aiming for, measuring the costs and benefits. there was a huge potential benefit to me to pursue her, to go all in for in; there was really no potential benefit to her to even TALK to me, except KARMA, and even that was not a convincing or valuable enough payoff.

the good karma was not worth the trouble of an extremely awkward conversation, and probably me being pushy and bargaining and begging and pleading during that conversation, and pushing for MORE conversations, being unable to let go, etc.

so i got the book “getting past your breakup” by susan elliott i think is the name, opened it up to a random page and read,

“reaching out to the ex to request closure is just an EXCUSE FOR MAINTAINING CONTACT WITH THEM”.

and Real Closure Comes from Within, not from the other person. when a loved one DIES, you CANT get closure from THEM!!!!!!

so i liked that. requesting closure is an excuse to maintain contact with them. and thats exactly what i had done.

so that is good to know. look forward to reading this book moar.

of course every 25 year old woman is a Relationship Expert just because they have been with lots of guys, and they know that Closure is a Myth. but she didnt want to tell me that because i have to learn that lesson myself. fook that. i am 10 times better at relationships that her even though her longest rel is literally 20 times longer than mine.

it would have been interesting to study her relships though. thats why you ask them abotu it directly.

like so and so is dull and shows you know affection any more and you wish he loved you. well did he ever? what was he like in the first 6 months? did he take you on dates then and cuddle with you, or did he just sit around and grumble and drink and be very grumpy and inattentive to your needs? if so, why didnt you just bail like you did with me? well because she was in luv with him and not me, prob because he was moar masculine and manly.

so fookin stupid. worst pain in the world. like getting stabbed over and over in the heart all day every day for months and months and months. time for another 3.1 miler hahaha while i try to stop analyzing the stupid End Of The Relationship and Life Without Her, one of the most positive things in muh life, it was kind of a fantasy but kind of not, because i actually did know her! which made the luv more real, and the heartbreak more painful, and the way she did it more ridiculous.

also avoiding job search hahahaha. fook mah life hahahaha.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/getting-back-out-there/201506/when-the-person-you-love-doesnt-love-you

http://www.gettingpastyourbreakup.com/gettingpastyourpast/

this is the book website ^^ i trust JD’s moar than PHD’s, because lawyers are better communicators and bullshitters than professors hahahaha. i believe the bullshitters. nobody bullshits like a lawyer. this is why lawyers are not kissless virgins and can date gurls for longer than 3 months without getting dumped.

well she is a woman lawyer and this book and everything on it is clearly geared to women, but thats how damn emotional i get about these rels.

its also kinda REASSURING to see that WOMEN actually have love and heartbreak, not just me. i thought women were cold, calculating, nihilistic, soulless, cold, socipathic monsters incapable of love or heartbreak.

http://www.cmhc.utexas.edu/survivingbreakup.html

well my next thing is gonna be to adapt my stupid Interview File to this site, which is basically 10000 words of bullshit to say during your interview to convince them you are The Best Candidate for the 9DAH part time no benefits stressful customer facing job.

chastity monogamy and slut shaming by “the truth will live”

a cute young gurl who is also a “neo reactionary” right wing, which is the word for all the stuff ive been into for years. here she talks about how chastity and monogamy are good things. i should just watch this gurl if i want to fall out of luv with the other woman!!!

but be careful. “Neo Reaction” is primarily male dominated and im sure many of them are lonely because they cant find a decent nondegenerate woman, and this young woman will get MORE ATTENTION and Supplication than is healthy for any person to have. kinda like the Fake Nerd Girl that hangs out at nerd shit like comic cons and D&D and gaming now, because Gaming is Cool now, and young women have caught on that the top 10% of men here will be successful, money-making engineers, so women like Nerd Culture much more in the 10s than they did EVER before. those of us in our Early Thirties distinctly remember a time when nerddom and gaming was a 1000000% sausage fest and did not have one or two QT Gurls hanging around and doing SJW bullshit like sarkeesian and gamer gate and “COSPLAY IS NOT CONSENT.” good GOD. they just want ATTENTION and to be a CELEBRITY and to snag the top 1% of men in these cultures. same as it ever was hahahaha. so 99% of the men are huge neckbeard pee bottle mlady virgins, but the top 1% will be Successful Engineers making 40DAH and be a GREAT meal ticket for these women hahahaha. Security. So yeah i am ALWAYS suspicious to see QT Young Women entering a culture or movement.

(like i hope muh buddy robert stark does not get obsessed and fall in luv with this gurl! robert stark is great and awesome and he has already done TWO interviews with her? even though she has like 7 videos? dont do it rob! make her EARN it! I would be happy though if she did a longterm monog rel with robert, possibly marriage. and WHENEVER i say “marriage” or “wife” in this whole blog, realize i am not talking about Legal State marriage, which is Rigged to Screw Men. If you want to legally marry a woman, you have to trust her SO MUCH that she will not take advantage of this.)

also she kinda looks like woman3, one of the women i actually dated for 2 months. i do not know why i like obviously fake hair like that, where they dye brown hair blond. not blond highlights in dark hair, which i think looks horrible. but i still like brown hair fully dyed blond. wtf. that is like me admitting i like to be decieved and possibly cuckolded. that i like a fake and a phony and a liar and a cheater and a cucker.

so what SHOULD a woman do? uhhh be a nice person and stay at home with their family and not get into masculine stuff like internet subcultures and politics and such. young qt gurls can really turn men against each other in a very unproductive way, which would be horrible for the Neoreactionary Movement. but i think its been gaining momentum and size and would survive any Internecine Gurl Drama. i dont think i used that word right hahahahaha.

i mean nothing NEW here, we all know why chastity and monogamy are good…… but its so nice to see a pretty young woman SAY it and appear to believe in it. ¬†shes not super articulate or a good comunicator but what woman is, hahahahaha, she is better than 90% of women hahahaha.

however less articulate women can still slut-SHAME, however, and this is a very good quality you should look for in your women. ¬†they just don’t like sluts. good. that means they might not be a slut themselves. OR they dont like sluts because they themselves are ashamed of BEING sluts. watch out for that. well if they ARE sluts they SHOULD be ashamed…… but better to find a woman whos not a slut in the first place.

the susan elliott book has a good part about rumination. you might be sick of ruminating and obsessing, but try to see it as part of The Healing Process. like you NEED to Ruminate as part of Getting Over It. It’s better to Ruminate and Face It Head On, than ignore it and push it under the rug, like how your Ex dealt with you hahahahaha.

its like dont hide from the grief and pain, just stand in the middle of it like getting blasted by a firehose. and that’s kind of what the months of obsessive rumination are part of that same Getting Hosed With Pain constantly.

but its actually a GOOD thing and means you’re FACING it and slowly getting over it!

standing in the middle of the torrent, just getting blasted! the rumination is part of the blasting and should go away within 1 year of No Contact.

looks like muh book encourages no contact too, good. i agree no contact is a good way to be.

cuz all contact is really just you WANTING THEM BACK.

ok so you DO still want them back and you should not deny your feelings.

so ADMIT that, but DONT contact that, becuase that will bring just a NEW torrent of pain which you DEF do not need.

http://finance.yahoo.com/news/people-personality-type-most-likely-140119084.html

ISFP personalities are most likely to be unemployed, they cant handle jobs hahahaha

i thought i was an INFP but i am definitely close to this.

http://www.starktruthradio.com/

i found the yahoo article about Percievers being more likely to be unemployed because they are less conscientious. hahahaha i am very conscientious. anyway that was linked to from robert starks new website, in the post where he interviewed “the truth will live”.

good to see robert back, he used to be a top listen for me, but he never really had a great website of his own until now.

anyway i dont care about finding a nice right wing qt because any woman that gets that much into Political Thought is gonna be very hard to handle. better to have a nice sweet kind traditional woman who is right wing in her actions but does not waste a lot of time writing, thinking, youtubing, talking abotu it hahahaha. leave that to the men.  and the traditional conservative women can good wives to these men, and good mothers to their children.

i dunno maybe not. maybe i am generalizing.

but i guarantee if you had a neoreaction meetup with 20 Sexually Frustrated Guys, and 1 Cute Young gurl with similar political ideas, it WOULD get ugly and the guys would compete against each other and perhaps solid Male Friendships would get Ruined.

in essence there IS a kind of “owning.” you volunteer to be “owned” by your partner and she volunteers to be owned by you, in the sense that you elevate each other above the rabble, that they are SPECIAL to you, and that you don’t WANT to be with anybody else, sexually or emotionally, and you recognize there is a huge link between those two.

rather than “nobody owns anybody” and “everybody belongs to everybody” “mercenary” approach.

this is NIHILISTIC.

it promotes a view that human relationships and connectedness are interchangeable, disposeable, replaceable, and ultimately MEANINGLESS.

NIHILISTIC.

THEY BELIEVE IN NOTHING. (Lebowski hahahaha)

if they cant believe that sex and Love and Relationships mean anything……. for all Intensive Purposes (hehehe), they actually believe in Literally Nothing.

how can these people even get out of BED?

am i Catastrophizing Other People in general? maybe. people arent really THAT bad, i am just devastated because my Favorite Person became my Least Favorite Person and now i am in a world of pain.

but yeah i feel SHE was definitely being a bit NIHILISTIC about our Rel. by just throwing it away. you just dont do that when you KNOW a person for 2-3 years. even if youre having a rough patch. even if you dont love them back. you still treat them with a SHRED of respect and decency. i wasnt some random sex partner you have anonymous, soul-killing sex with after one night then throw away for being weird.

MY weirdness was not soul killing, and also it was kinda justifiable. this was kinda a big deal.

but ya know what? i am glad i confessed my feels, as bad as it turned out, rather than kept them bottled up, not said anything, pretended they werent there, wetn on with the CHARADE that there was no elephant in the room. i simply could not hide the truth any longer.

i think she HAD AN IDEA anyway, cuz of my signals. signals was the only route of communication she gave me, so i gave awkward ham fisted signals, like texting too much, writing emails about communication, calling her my favorite person, saying im afriad of losing you, mushy christmas cards of i appreciate you more and more and want to get closer to you, you are very important and speical to me, of COURSE she HAD AN IDEA. look at those signals i just listed. damn. of course she KNEW. thats WHY she was pulling away bit by bit until she was gone.

i certainly deserved better treatment! because i was not abusive to her. i had good reason to be pushy. and PUSHY IS NOT ABUSIVE!!!!!!!!

i was pushing to essentially save the relationship.

i was like the family members doing an intervention on her, and instead of accepting the gift, she ran out the door and never looked back and then died of drugs and broke her familys heart hahaaha.

how can you have a “debate” with 11 candidates on stage where they each get 1 minute to respond.

they should do more of a “brackets” thing or eliminations. i hope all the candidates went on charlie rose. most probably have, but of course nobody watches charlie rose. i am talking about substantive discussions with none of the interrupting and shouting on top of each other like happens on ALL the news networks. ¬†all the chavs and plebs out there drinking beer and fornicating and voting hahahaha. muh unions hahahaha.

not sure if we have “CHAVS” in the US hahahaha. i basically mean plebs.

ok i am not losing weight OR really getting over this bitch hahahaha. no she’s not a bitch, she just did a very btichy thing TO ME and was a BITCH to ME. she will make a wonderful lovely wife to another lucky man and be a wonderful mother to their children and live happily ever after while i K muh self at age 45 hahahaha. one of THOSE guys.

this is not a true debate faggot. gtfo tv journalist scum.

but yeah call a woman a “BITCH” and suddenly youre the bad guy. i am expressing anger at the injustice and unfairness that was done to me by her. youre SUPPOSED to be angry at the person. i am not going to HURT her for gods sakes. she hurt me a lot more! i think i have earned the right to call her a BITCH!

THAT BITCH! hahahahaha

GET ANGRY, YOU SON OF A BITCHES!

bumping up the 1.4 mile walk to 1.8 miles. so the 2.8 miler or 3 miler becomes a 3.6 miler. 3 of those, get 10.8 miles.

so my goal was to get 10 miles. not just 9.4 miles or whatever. i mean i will need to get up to 12 or 14 miles to lose weight, like i did back in 2007 and 8 where i was walking 12-14 miles well not every day but several times a week.

also i wanted to do an average every day, well 6 days a week. instead of 10 miles one day then 5 miles next and alternating. would rather do 7.5 miles erry day.

 

OVERBEARING

914

the problem with her cutting me off like this is not ONLY does it feel she is not treating ME like a human being……

it ALSO makes me less able to see HER as a human being. more of a monster. more of that Monstrous Stereotype Woman Yes All Women Woman, All Women Are Like That Woman. and i can attribute all sorts of things. like she treated me like scum BECAUSE of Alpha Omega Game / Career Mating Market Matrix.

I guess its very important that that matrix did not factor into her decision with me. even though I like and agree with that matrix. but i just felt that because she KNEW me, she could treat me more as an individual and that Our Case would be Special.

its one thing when you just fook each other for a few months and it does work out, ie all my past pseudo relationshits.

its another thing when you know each other over a few YEARS and respect each other and dont naturally drift apart.

anyway yeah it dehumanizes HER as well as ME.

listened to some davis mj aurini. his youtube is less Stark and more Funny than his writing. this is attribute to talking generally being better than writing, period. i would be talking to you right now if i were not cowardly!

“the most decadent sluts since the fall of rome”

dat title pulled me right in.

anyway in that one he basically said that sex is sacred and special and trying to separate sex from love, and giving sex away for such a low price, is a race to the bottom, and sluts ruin it for everyone, and that a broken heart is very very painful. so i agreed 100000% hahahahahaha.

anyway when she throws me away like this i can make up all those horrible theories like she was one of the All Women, who rejected me because i was a loser at Game and Career. well its true isnt it?

but she seemed to have respect for me during our friendship even though she knew perfectly well at that time that i was a loser at game and career, and she didnt seem to care, she accepted me for who i was, i didnt have to pretend, i could just be myself.

but yeah basically by me changing the game, i change the rules of the game too, and when i want to Court Her Romantically Love Secs, then there is a whole new way of reckoning Respect.

i guess that is hard to deal with. i didnt really have a different way of reckoning respect regarding her.

“womens sexual liberation” hehehehehe

yeah he looks like a virgin and kinda has that atheist fedora niceguy pedestal white knight mlady virgin creepiness about him, i was judging the book by its cover, and that put me off of listening to him for the longest time. and his voice takes some getting used to. he sounds really smug and arrogant and kind of annoying and kind of gay hahahaha.  but thats just the way he talks. or the image he intentionally cultivates with his gothic look or whatever and always smoking cigarettes and drinking scotch or something. i can understand wanting to be rebellious but whatever. somebody new to listen to.

yeah heartbreak is horrible. she went from being one of my favorite people to being my least favorite. she went from being a decent human being who treated me like human being, to a monster who treated me like garbage. and it happened overnight.

we were both heading towards our breaking points, in my case being in horrible love wiht her, in her case just cutting all ties and being done with me completely and forever.

we both hit the breakign points at pretty much the same time.

i just think she is being unfair in hating me so much. what did i do that was so wrong? i got feelings for her? i did not Respect Boundaries? yeah i guess. this shit is so fooking stupid. what do you do when someone doesnt want to talk to you though? you cut THEM loose. of course i could not do that because i was emotionally compromised by muh eternal unconditional luv for her.

its HARD to just cut somebody loose when you luv them, and they dont want to talk to you.

well i dont doubt that i will do things better in the future, will have learned my lesson; but i DO doubt i will meet another female friend i could get feelings for, in the future! i mean i am getting super old and she was already 8 years younger than me!

ok. how about this. when one person wants to just walk away from a 2 year relationship, and the other person wants to talk about, we might not be able to fix it but lets at least communicate, you OWE IT TO THEM to talk to them, to communicate with them, to give your feelings and listen to their feelings, unless they are Physically or Emotionally Abusing you.

now i was emotionally annoying her, because i was pushing her to talk, but i was not ABUSING her. her Silent Treatment and Avoidance was more Emotionally ABUSIVE!!!

to the point that i VOIDED everything when i got feelings: theres no RULE that you VOID everything. [i am trying to TALK BACK to my Constant, Automatic NEgative Nihilistic Discouraging Thoughts. Verbal Judo hahahaha]. every situation is gonna be different. if there IS any RULE, its that the two people need to TALK to each other to figure out what happens to the relationship now that one person has feelings.

i just cant blame it on her being a decadent modern woman. theres nothing i can blame it on other than maybe she has Personal Psych Issues which I dont really know about, although its nothing related to Type 2 Personality Disorders, Narcissism, Borderline, Hysterical, well what she did was kinda sociopathic but she wasnt a sociopath, i dunno. she was Just Done.

so maybe she feels bad, but she’s just too Done to apologize, so i have to Reach out to her if i want an apology? well i want an apology, but what i REALLY want is to get with her.

and if she really wanted to GET with me, well she would have. she would have made the leap because there was something in it for her. there was nothing in it for her if she didnt have feels.

so its safe to say she doesnt want to date me in other words.

so i am not gonna reach out for an apology! cuz what i really want is to be with her.

so she hates me? because…..i was pushy and made her feel uncomfortable? because she thought i was HIDING something from her? i was going crazy because i didnt WANT to hide it from her! I was knocking at the door but she wouldnt open it.

yeah i did things poorly, i should have just Confessed in an Email at least 50% earlier than i did. not after 10 months but after 5 months.

shit. 3 months. 3 months is good for everything.

EXCEPT FOR getting over a heartbreak. that prob takes more like 6 months.

and also having secs. that should be at LEAST 6 months of dating and really getting to know and trust someone.

the role of sex is to bond men and women together in long term monogamous rels, to make them fall in love with each other.

did i mention i finally made that phone call i have been dreading for weeks. it went as well as i could have hoped. the person knew immediately what i was talking about and was like yep theres an error there, they shouldnt be charging you that, well get it fixed, sorry about that. took 2 minutes. and i said thank you very much.

because i am so used to me being confused all the time, and people in my office passing the buck and doing runaround not because they were lazy, but because they were confused and couldnt ¬†get help from our superiors fast or reliably enough. ¬†got flustered because we didnt know what we were doing, asked for help, got SHITTY help, STILL didnt know what to tell the person, couldnt transfer them to someone who actually UNDERSTOOD the situation, and¬†then took the “easy way out” of saying uhhhhhhh we cant fix that or you need to talk to so and so.

one of my least favourite aspects of the job.

but yeah she was a much bigger part of my life than i was of her life. so it hurts me much more.

technically she didnt hurt me…….but kinda yes she did. she¬†cant help if she doesnt like me, but she CAN help how she responds/reacts to the situation. someone always gets hurt in a rejection, but the rejector can help MINIMIZE that pain, and i believe they SHOULD, that thats the morally right¬†thing to do.

heh. i am obsessed basically with convincing myself that i am not the bad guy, because i am not certain that i didnt do something horrible, and i deserve this treatment!

well i can conclude that i in fact do NOTTTTTTTT deserve this treatment. i didnt DESERVE to live happily ever after, but i did deserve to be Let Down Easier.

i dont know WHY thats so important to me. because i believe it could have reduced the INTENSE pain i have been suffering for a damn long time, AND because i want to believe that i’m not wrong for wanting communication.

im not wrong for wanting communication, but i went about askign for it in a bad way. next time i will know better.

honestly i had never been in this position before. falling in luv wiht a female friend. after knowing them for a DAMN long time.

i was a huge pussy about telling the previous woman i had feelings for her too. cuz we worked together too. hahaha jobs are the only way i meet women. i didnt want it to endanger our job. so i waiting 9000000 years until she left the job first, then pulled the trigger, got rejected of course, still managed to do the easy job, then met woman2015 at the same easy job, didnt have feelings for HER, but became friends, and she got us both jobs at the new place, which was horrible, but paid way more, and i quit THAT job because the rejection was too much to take!

very IRONIC dont u think hahahah.

well, the LORD was trying to tell me that i either needed to end this job, or end this CHARADE of a rel. i guess He just wanted me to end both and quit deluding myself hahahaha. but oh GOD the pain. maybe he could help me with the pain though.

but i have gotten a lot better about Brisk Jogging.

well only 6 miles today and not 9 hahaha but i blame the nyquil hangover lol.

i budgeted 16 hours but it wasnt enough. next time budget like 18 hours hahahaha.

start drinking nyquil from the moment you get up in the morning hahahaha

actually some indica budz would be just as good but the shame and stigma hahahaha.

ironic that muh female fren was my only source for that hahahaha. yeah i am glad i got rid of the stuff i had left over from her.

she was nice enough to ask if i wanted anything when she went, i thought that mean she still had respect for me as a human being.

being in luv with her was a nice little break from being a huge loser at life; and now i am an EVEN BIGGER loser, without that job. that horrible horrible job.

and that horrible lie of a “friendship” hahahaha. and now she remembers it the same way hahaha.

well i wasnt trying to LIE to her! i was trying to tell her the truth and it was becoming an elephant in the room, it was OBVIOUS to both of us that something needed to be talked about!!!!!!!!!!!

so i dont see it as a lie. a lie is them asking you is everything all right, is there something you wanna tell me? and you say no.

not please i have something to tell you and nope no dont want to hear it.

but i didnt SAY i have something to tell you. i said pleaeeeeeesseeeee can i hang out wiht you. over and over again. then pleeeease i feel im losing u and i dont want to lose u. then please our friendship is hurting, lets communicate abotu it more. then im sorry again to be weird to u then the silent treatment began and that was it.

SURE i was OVERBEARING. thats another great word for what i was. overbearing. but i was overbearing BECAUSE the issue was not getting resolved. and i could only resolve the issue with HER cooperation. which she was totally unwilling to give.

and was therefore the most disappointing end to 10 months of disappointment, which altogether was a horribly disappointing end to one of the best rels with a woman i ever had in muh whole life. the end.

of COURSE i am going to be heartbroken! for a long time!

way more than 2 months! we are at the 2 month anniversary of the Freeze Out BTW.

i just wished we could have talked. or communicated. that is all. is that too much to want? is that unreasonable? i dont think so.

but does me asking for that talking in The Wrong Way, in a eyr Overbearing way, make me the bad guy? i mean its not super smooth, but i dont think asking for a good thing in an overbearing way makes me the bad guy!

but i still am angry at her because i dont think it would have been THAT hard or painful for her to say OK WHAT DO YOU WANT ALREADY UGHHHHH

MUCH less painful than what im going thru now. although she did not intend to cause me this much pain, she could have stopped a decent amount of pain, and i really wish she had.