ITS NOT OVERCOMPENSATION, ITS JUST COMPENSATION

feb 20 2017

go to leafly and look at all the stupid degen stoners giving reviews of area MMJ dispensaries. poorly written, pure 80 IQ stupidity, 420 blaze it lololololol best purps and turps, totes heat fire, couchlocked from deez fire budz. and i am thinking, THESE idiots and n3gr0s have medical cards? i mean they have to, pretty sure all dispensaries have security at the door to check that sort of thing. letting just anybody in would be asking to be shut down asap by the popo. believe me, even they arent stupid enough to want that.

get butthurt thinking so all these idiots have medical cards, where did THEY get them?

but most of them probably DO have Chronic Pain from doing Manual Labor jobs for years, so I cant really HATE on them!

then reading horrible reviews of actual certification places, like rude doctors grilling people and accusing them of lying and making them feel like criminals for trying to get a card, or waiting 5 hours only to get denied. but there are probably more positive reviews tho hahaha.

heh. wish i still knew anyone with a MMJ card hahahaha. insta drvg dilla.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/sf/local/2013/11/09/washington-a-world-apart/

oh gawd hope they never take this down, an interactive map of charles murrays “SuperZips”(TM) that lets you see your ranking. my hood was lower than i thought but its still above 50 which i would assume is average hahaha.

heh basically makes a composite score out of median household income * percentage of college graduates. to show you where the “overeducated elitist snobs” (his term) of the New Upper Class sort themselves.

over my life i have lived in a zip that was below 10 in 2010 (horrible!) but back then it was prob a lot better. moved to a place that is mid 50s right now (it is a very nice place IMHO) and for Kollige lived in a place that was mid 70s and seemed very SuperZippy and esp SWPL leftist snob to my blood hahaha.

yet there are places very near to me right now that in the low 90s. but keep in mind this not necess a College Town, but a suburb where college educated professionals want to raises there families once they turn 40 and have made some money.

there are places near me that are horrendously low. poor black and white trash on drugs hahahaha. obviously shows me where i should try to score drvgs. all the places i would expect hehehehe.

fun tool, go play around with that map, see the scores of the zips. the number in the upper left from 1 to 100 is what you should be looking at. the green and yellow ones vs the dark blue ones. cant find another queryable dataset other than this (((WaPo))) one. but i bet charles murray has spent hours on this one hahaha.

get up early to go back to job tomorrow, end of weekend. took benedryls at 1 pm then 4 pm. bed at 7pm.

so MJ makes you lazy af. well im ALREADY lazy af WITHOUT it! thats my excuse. it would give so much FUN in blazing it, that its WORTH the tiny increase in laziness which would happen. im ALREADY very lazy. lazier than normies who become huge st0ners.

even at the young age of 24 she realizes that its a problem when she shuts down and doesnt communicate and wants to make an effort to improve her shitty communication style. good for her hahaha.

thought this would be the worst beta cringe friendzone story. didnt expect the part about “antisocial personality disorder.” and he is still doing better than me, in grad skool at age 23 hahaha.

feb 21

ok day at the job thank god. very low stress. thank GOD.

had dream last night that i was getting “intimate” ie groping, fondling, making out, and close to fooking, which to me is pretty intimate, but to many/50% of people is not, its just casual, with Woman 2005. i was just happy the dream did not feature That Woman! havent had a dream about her in a long time. would take any other of the women over her. so in fact i rather enjoyed this dream.

also it reminded me of the important lesson: when you are making out with a gurl and its getting hot and heavy and you are groping each other and she is letting you touch her Babymaker and she can feel your Babymaker getting hard, then that means the gurl is fully primed for and expects SECS. so if you DONT have secs right then and there because you get NERVOUS about secs, you treat secs as some hallowed babymaking ceremony that you have to build up to, she will be CONFUSED as fook. she will think why didnt he want to fook me? WEIRDO. CREEPER. and your plan to take it “slow” will backfire disastrously and you will never make out with the woman again and she will be fooking new guys in a few days.

the fix: you say, hey baby, i still get kinda nervous about secs because in my Principled Value System, it’s a very big step and a significant symbolic act with very serious consequences. So Imma give you a good pounding today, but imma just WARN you, it’s gonna be a little awkward, and you wnt have 6000000 gushing orgasms until I have banged you about FIVE times and have gotten more COMFORTABLE with this. so dont expect galloping thundering wallbanger secs right now on the first time. i am a traditional man and I dont like casual secs. so just KEEP IN MIND that we got to do this about five times before I really get into it and you really enjoy it.

this is exactly where I think I confused that 2005 gurl. I was making out with her and touching her Genitalia and she fully expected me to plow her that night, and I should have, but I didnt, because I really liked her, and didnt want to Go Too Fast like I did with the previous gurl. so, no surprise this new gurl also dumped me quickly. because what a weirdo i was! how come I didnt want to fook? was i mental or something? a psycho? absolutely! how crazy does a guy have to be to NOT bang a gurl who is consenting to be banged?

but i was in early 20s and this was only the second gurl i had gotten to 2nd or 3rd base or whatever that was. the second and the last gurl hahahahahaha.

so in the dream i felt those feelings, i was like, welp i am perfectly content to make out with you all night and just fingerbang your fookhole, i’ve only ever banged one gurl before, and i still get really NERVOUS about it. i didnt really communicate that too clearly, and she probably had trouble understanding how a man could ever be NERVOUS about secs, that all men would be THRILLED for such an OPPORTUNITY, and maybe she felt rejected by ME hahahaha. but i was VERY passionate and enthusiastic in my making out and groping of her! THAT should have told her that i was VERY thrilled to be doing this! and i was! the way normies feel about secs, I feel about making out and groping. but secs is just a bridge too far for me, and there i start getting nervous. and the women have a hard time understanding it. they couldn’t understand it at 21, and i bet they sure as hell couldnt understand it at 31, after 10 more years of the CC hahahaha. being rode hard and hung up wet.

so in the dream i was like, yeah babe I LUV making out with you, this is so hot, but i can see you want to get FOOKED, and you’re gonna get weird and think I’m weird if I dont stick it in you right now. so imma do that, but i’m JUST WARNING YOU, its gonna be kinda awkward. i’m just taking one for the team and doing you a solid as a sign of good faith, but I want you to give me good faith and commit to doing this 5 times with me, because i get nervous blowing j1zz in a new woman, because you can get preggers dont you know, or are you too tipsy from 3 drinks to think of the long term consequences of your actions hahahahaha.

really I DONT trust women to make mature adult decisions. they DONT know what they want, they DONT know whats good or bad for them. NO i DONT trust them to be an adult and make responsible decisions. thats the crux of the issue!

but yeah. i should have banged her just to NOT SEEM WEIRD, then she woulda let me bang her MORE, hopefully at least 5 times, and then i would have become more comfortable with it! WIN WIN!!!!!

so in the dream i started to stick it in and felt really nervous although I did like the sight of muh D going right into her Split Beaver. it seemed slightly pornographic but not as degen because it was “real.”

one issue was that a friend of mine was in the room with us, and i was like UHHHH BABE YOU SURE you want to do this with him standing right over there? and she clearly did. but that only increased my nervousness.

that has been a recurring theme, it wasnt too long ago i had another dream where a gurl was wanting the D but there was another person in the room with us. i wonder what that represents. probably my nervousness about secs. that im so nervous its as if someone else is in the room with us.

i mean i havent been in this position in like 12 years. it was about 12 years ago from right now when i was actually makign out with woman2005 and feeling her slimy pvssy hahahaha. it was nice. i really liked doing that. i just felt nervous going All The Way. because thats how babies get made and I didnt want to be conceiving any children and having to make a decision on the ungodly evil jooish abomination of abortion, which all women dont really have any moral reservations against, and im sure she didnt either hahahaha.

nothing super important here tbhfam. just if you get the chance to bang a gurl and you want to Take It Slow (TM) because you are Catching Feelings, ask yourself, do you really think she is Catching Feelings(tm) for ME, or does she just want a casual roll in the hay? prob the latter. never like the gurl more than she likes you! and you certainly want some more experience having Secs dont you? OF COURSHE! so just pound some booze, take a valium, mansplain that it takes you at least FIVE FOOKS to get IN THE GROOVE, and pound away like you are going mad in the gym. maybe do her doggystyle, might make that task easier. then she will stick around for at least 4 more bangs and you wont be so nervous about secs, about women in general. heh. i always got dumped before 5 bangs because they could tell i wanted a Real Rel, and they didnt. they just wanted Chill Fookbuddies. fine fine. yeah thats degenerate. but i at least could and should have used that degeneracy to my advantage. rather than my detriment. transactional hahahaha.

so yeah i DO regret not banging her. the regret doesnt eat me up inside, but it is a legit regret, i would totally have done things differently, and if i ever had the chance again, i would take it. i hope. rather than getting my heart broken again by another slut hahahaha. of course that wasnt the situation with That Woman, her I didnt even make out with but I was in luv with her. but i knew her for almost 3 years, those other women i barely even knew for 3 months. totally diff situation.

heh. you know you are a winner when you go to CONFERENCES. some of muh new colleagues are going to CONFERENCES. get on a plane and go to a 3 day conference in another state. this means you are a professional, you have made it, and you share ideas and research and articles and best practices and workshops and lectures and debates and presentations. and when you go to these all day conferences everybody TWEETS with a HASHTAG.

i bet if its a Hot Field with a lot of Under-30 WOMEN, god damn, that has to be a degenerate Fookfest worse than an undergrad frat party. because you have a bunhc of Professionals working 80 hours a week, work hard, play hard, then you go out to the bar, sing karaoke and get wasted, talk about your Career Paths, and have drunk secs with a 27 year old woman on her Way Up, and you have plenty to talk about because you have been on the same career path since age 18.  you think you have More In Common with a Fellow person in your Field, than you do with your GF or BF, who is in a field you know absoultely nothing about.  because your career is your whole life. because you are More Compatible(tm) with someone in your Career Field than someone whos not. If I had a Professional GF I would not trust her going away to CONFERENCES with a bunch of other nurses or teachers or marketers or realtors or accountants or whatever.

plus i am butthurt because at age 30+ i have never been to a CONFERENCE hehehehe.

heh those “sluts” i made out with 12 years ago have certainly been to conferences because they became Educated Professionals who live or want to live in 93%+ SuperZips hehehe.

anyway we got some guys in the office who Tweet and are Twitter Savvy, and other people who are not into it at all. just go to the conference and dont tweet hahahaha. not sure this is an age thing because there are plenty of 60 year old professionals tweeting up a storm. I tried to show the boss that i know how to use twitter and follow a hashtag hahahaha. but its something ive never “had” to do at a job before. that is, i never worked in a job where ANY of the people were regularly-tweeting professionals. not that you need to be a rocket scientist to use twitter. but you do have to be a Professional with Professional Opinions.

not just tweeting about feelings and women all day hahaha. or 1433 VVN hail victory hehe.

say you go to a conference that is 20% women at best and they are starkly divided between bangable and unbangable. how big of a head do you think those bangable women are gonna have? pretty fookin big hahahaha. not like they havent racked up 30+ partner count by age 30 anyway hahaha. so by that point, what differnece does one more Casual Coch make?

heh I was getting Bonding Chemicals and Oxytocin just from a hot and heavy make out session and touching the gurls genitals. how come this does nothing for THEM? that they NEED to be pounded hard before THEIR oxytocin kicks in?

but yeah its a bridge too far. i can be TOTALLY comfortable TOUCHING their cvnts, but putting muh exploding D in there, nope. cuz i NEVER FORGET that that is how BABIES ARE MADE. cant make a baby by making out and fondling. maybe i should have just tried to bang the girls in the ass hahahahahahahaha. be like hey HERES THE THING, Im paranoid about getting you preggers, so uh heres the thing. just lemme put it in your ass a couple times till i warm up to the idea hahaha. ya cant have a baby out of the ass. an 4n4l baby.

DEGENERATE hahahahaha. this is what YEARS OF PORN does to your MIND and SOUL.

Hard work beats talent when talent doesn’t work hard” – Tim Notke and made famous by Kevin Durant

hehehehe great quote despite its cheesiness, it is still absolutely true. one of those true as hell cliches you should live your life by. i dont care about some n3gr0 basketball player hahahaha. i used to have talent and USED to have a LITTLE hard work ethic, but I lost that by age 18/19, and have fallen by the wayside ever since.

smart professional 95% leftist people like to use medium.com as well as twitter and instagram hahahaha.

i can understand the value of twitter. i just dont care about instagram but i guess its succeeding. snapchat appears to be failing.

i of course prefer gab to twitter because weev and others can say horrible anti J things on gab without getting banned! yet. but gab is never gonna “beat” twitter.

ooooo milo scandal where today he resigned from breitbart due to some Soft On Pedophilia statements he made, “joking”about banging 13 year old boys. hope people dont think this is what the alt right is hehehehe. or that this justifies the anti free speech thing at berkeley a few weeks ago where milo was speaking.

certainly the media wouldnt spin it to make gays look like degenerate evil pedophiles hahahaha.  might as well say the alt right are evil degenerate pedophiles and dont represent gays at all!

but yeah i mean i never LIKED milo, i always thought he was a degenerate hahaha. also he’s a J. hes just reaping what he sowed. he is not true alt right, but normies THINK he is alt right, and i dont want this to besmirch the alt right. well its already besmirched ENOUGH, people think we are all ebil natzees, so, what diff does it make really. none.

anyway, basically we need more right or even MODERATE/CENTRIST people in Thought Leader positions, going to conventions, making tweets, having people respect their opinions. no not journalists, but people in EDUCATION and Nonprofits and Social Work and Community Action. all that shit is just as POZZED as the Media. Sad!

like i see a lot of people in the Education field who are genuinely smart but also like sniffing their own farts as far as writing anti trump shit on twitter and medium hahahaha. we need less of that. less leftism in education. woooooo what a yuge bigly idea hahahahaha.

but yeah it IS sad. EDUCATION is actually even MORE important than the MEDIA, and both are leftist as FOOK. we dont even have a fox news of education. other than betsy devos i guess hahahaha. but every education administrator and “expert” and EdD and Teacher’s Teacher are fooking leftist as fook, totally about Equity and Mo Fed Money Fo Dem Pogams. isnt there ANY fookin alternative to this? for those of us who CARE about education but hate this leftist shit? i would totally be interested in a masters degree somewhere in education…….except for this leftist shit!!!!!!! and Graduate Education IN Education is pretty much SYNONYMOUS with leftist marxist bullshit!!!!!! SAD!!!

 

 

 

 

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THIS IS THE LIFE IVE CHOSEN

HOW is this the life I’ve chosen hahahahahaha.

oct 25

sheeeeeeeeeeeit.  interview this afternoon with banking company, easy back office super entry level high school job hahahaha.  but i cant get a sweet 35k Recent Graduates or Pathways job with FEDGOV, so as an Old Graduate, Im forced to settle for a 25k nongraduate job hahahahaha. THIS IS THE LIFE IVE CHOSEN. THIS IS THE HAND IVE BEEN DEALT. I CHOSE THIS hahahaha.

well thats contradictory: you dont CHOOSE the hand you get DEALT by the dealer. its all chance. fate.

yeah but i made a bunch of poor decisions and mistakes that led me to where i am today, so, indeed, THIS IS THE LIFE IVE CHOSEN.

I was in a C++ coding class with this guy who always used to say that. he was prob severely depressed, maybe 45 years old, working FT i think with mainframes, and i had no idea why he was in the class. he sounded like he had been working with code for years. i guess he didnt know c++, and he also wanted to chip away at his degree so he could get a better job. at age 50. even though he was already working like 60 hours a week in a tech job. he would chain smoke during the break in the 3 hour class and say THIS IS THE LIFE IVE CHOSEN and sigh despairing and demoralizingly.  hahahahahahaha. great guy.

maybe he was a virgin or a woman hater too! hahaha. or a Creepy, Abusive, Controlling, Clingy, Needy, Immature, Toxic, Narcissistic Bad Man.

the obvious response is: HOW IS THIS THE LIFE IVE CHOSEN??!?!?!?! I DIDNT CHOOSE THIS!!!! DID I?!?!?!?! I DONT REMEMBER CHOOSING THIS!!!! NOBODY ASKED ME! NOBODY TOLD ME!!! I DIDNT KNOW!!!!!

IGNORANCE OF THE LAW IS NO EXCUSE. THIS IS THE LIFE YOUVE CHOSEN.

you chose it without KNOWING you were choosing it, or what you were choosing. but you chose it nonetheless.

god damn. how the hell did i not apply for one of those recent grad pathways jobs with FEDGOV when i was a recent grad? because i was immature AF as well as a jooish marxist who believed fedgov was an evil behemoth oppressive nonwhites at home and abroad. how could i become a part of the bloated military industrial complex used to oppress and kill innocent nonwhite wimmin and children in iraq and syria and afghanistan.

like they were just GIVING AWAY 35k entry level jobs to 22 year old shitheads like me. i mean its prob competitive as shit. but i DID have Superior GPA from a Name School, so i think i did technically have a chance. now I got no chance because im not even ELIGIBLE. Im too old. i missed the boat. the fast track. now i am on the nowhere track.

they have more Recent Grad Pathways jobs than they do Basic Bitch GS 05 jobs!!!!!!!!!!!!

i coulda been a contender, i coulda started at gs07, but now id be happy AF to take 05! pleeeeease respond! please interview me! most of all please hire me!

this is how i kill 34 minutes before going to muh interview hehehe. i mean i got the big interview done yesterday. i already researched this company today, i researched them 2-3 weeks ago when i did the other interviews.

i could TECHNICALLY start a masterz degree program (BS online MBA) and then get into one of these pathways jobs hehehehehe.

i mean making alot of assumptions here. what if the pathways job is harder to get into than HARVARD or MIT. i just dont know.

“sort of ex/bf” wtf does that mean???? YOU DONT KNOW IF HES YOUR EX OR NOT???!!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!??!??!!

heh. at least i got that going for me. there is NO DOUBT that That Woman did not want to be with me. So now all I need to do is Forget About Her, and uhh learn the lessons and not make the same mistakes again. not be a COWARD again. be a MAN.

FIFTY DOLLARS to see MORRISSEY??? For 20 sure. for 30 maybe, a big maybe. i mean im not even a huge morrissey fan, i just respect what he’s done and i like the ridiculous lovesick grumpy image. i only know like 3 or 4 smiths songs and like 1 or 2 morrissey songs. 50$? rather spend it on MJ hahahahaha.

 

why dont you go to grad skool, you old white man. you get in what you put out. maybe if you CAREER FOCUSED like WOMEN you wouldnt be in this mess.

way to have a NEGATIVE, ENTITLED attitude that employers can SMELL a MILE away. go to THERAPY and fix your negative entitled attitude.

i was thinking about posting just to give him sympathy but then the post got locked. prob cuz it got very heated in there with people piling on this poor guy. IMHO, he is ENTITLED to have a negative attitude!

did i even talk about the interview? it was ok enough, i was nervous and rambling. i appreciated that they werent trying to RUSH me out of there in 45 minutes. it ended up being damn 90 minutes. i get the impression they give people all the time they need to Hire and Interview. i was a little exhausted at the end of it. the person was nice enough.

unfort there is also a damn second interview. i didnt expect a second interview for this damn 13 dollar an hour job. well i mean i didnt expect it to be a part of the process. but i would like this job so i DO want to get invited to the second interview.  but its also discouraging. i dont think ive ever made it to a second interview. i mean i am honestly sick of interviewing. 27 interviews and no job hahahahaha. well, i am a little TOO picky about jobs because i know I would prob K myself at a restaurant or fast food or grocery job. so i am trying to get a damn office job.

well just get a “transitional” job. well thats the thing. well sure you have to bullshit like its not transitional and you want to work at this shady restaurant the rest of your life.

well i can handle a lot more than i THINK i can handle, when I am not having Huge Personal Drama with a Woman at the job.

so if any one of these 27 places said yes, i could have probably handled it. for a year or so. then ragequit. then spent the next 15 months trying to find new job haha.

well the manager i talked to knew one of muh references, sort of. i will take that as a good sign. a SIGN from GAWWWWWDDDDDDDD. much like seeing that woman from my old job, working at the place i interviewed yesterday. not sure what is the better sign.

or it just means nothing hehehehe.

now i feel strangely tired. even though i got plenty of sleep. i always get plenty of sleep. too much sleep! i worry how i would be able to handle working 50 hours a week! i would literally have to do nothing but work and sleep. no exercise, no chores, no family, no 1488 podcasts, no powerwalks, no writing hahaha.

but heres the thing, i cant go RIGHT TO SLEEP after work because im too worried and my mind spinning and reeling about work stuff. the best thing i can do is take a ton of MJ, relax a bit, and THEN go study for 90 minutes or so, to give me a sense of confidence on the Work Material and that I am Ready for the crazy day tomorrow. so thats at least 2 hours of post-work home stuff there.

for a person that likes to spend 12 hours a day in bed, that is hard to swing hahahaha.

is it normal to spend 12 hours a day in bed? what is it a symptom of? despair? laziness?

i dont spend the WHOLE TIME sleeping. but uhh I do spend about 10 hours sleeping. 10 hours sleeping every night. the average is 7 hours. come on. but i feel like i cant FUNCTION hahahaha.

i mean yeah for a while i WAS a normie, getting 7 hours of sleep, working super stressful job all day every day. i was paying my dues just like everyone else.

but i just want a job where i can do tasks. have a routine. not have so much god damn change and confusion and being SLAMMED and having to explain and fix shit you didnt understand. its your job to answer the phone and there are calls always waiting in the queue.

heh the best was when i was on like a 90 minute call and i really had to urinate because i had been drinking a lot of coffee and water. i have actually put the caller on hold, ran out of the room and urinated, then came back to continue the call 2 minutes later with no one the wiser. because i was constantly putting the caller on hold for 5 minutes at a time to “research” or “get some advice” or run such and such a program.

but yeah that was HORRIBLE. i guess theoretically i could have asked the caller for permission so i could go to the Restroom. newbs would think, well why cant you just call them back.

ONE DOES NOT SIMPLY CALL THEM BACK because then you are in OUTBOUND call mode and that counts as Not Ready and you have to be Ready 85% of the time.  you are only ready when you are Inbound. on an inbound call, or those times when you are waiting for an inbound call.

i dont remember those times so much but we actually had them. but those times kinda sucked too because you were on the edge of your seat worried about when you would get that call and what it would be. i couldnt just Chill Out.

but yeah technically it WAS better than having one call after the other, to at least get a couple minutes between calls to rest or maybe even talk to your neighbor and try to convince yourself you were a normal human being who knew how to talk to people.

i dont want to work in a goddamn call center on inbound calls ever again! is that so illegit of me???!?!?!?!?!?!

its not like i wont serve customers or talk to people! i will give customer service! I will even sit in the inbound call queue for……..2 hours a day hahahaha. maybe even 3. but not fookin EIGHT hours a day.

i just hate that i WASNT TOUGH ENOUGH. I wasnt tough enough but SHE was.

 

wait until she leaves him for one of her more interesting male friends, he is right to be “insecure.” also he is shamed for thinking casual sex is wrong and not liking that his GF had a FWB casual sex partner. shamed by all the casual sex NIHILIST sluts of reddit.

feel pretty exhausted, not sure why. was it really because of muh 90 minute interview? i think so. but i used to do the equivalent of 8 hours of interviews every day at work. and yeah i was exhausted too but i couldnt sleep because my mind was RACING and worried.

right now im not worried and mind racing thank GOD. but i shouldnt be THIS tired. just from a 85 minute interview. i mean i sleep 10 hours a day. i cant upgrade the citalopram any more said the dr, 40 mg is maximum dose. the other option is that i could add wellbutrin. who knows. might do that. keep adding shit until one day i can HANDLE Normie Life. not even a Rel! but just a normie job. like the ones i interviewed for today and yesterday.

int tommorow, i am barely even preparing. i have talked to these people TWICE before, taken like FOUR tests with them, also this is a part time job, i am sick of doing prep work for them. but this part time job pays pretty well (15 an hour) and i would not turn it down AT ALL. I would welcome it.

just too many god damn college “educated” professional women on reddit. thinking they are all smart and progressive with their horrible nihilistic “progressive” “values.”

anyway i am a VERY low key guy and i would not like the “rockstar” gf like this guy has. its fine and dandy she has “CHOSEN” him but i guarantee shes gonna end up CHOOSING one of her more interesting male friends, and his “insecurities” will be 100% correct. he would be better off with a low key person like him, someone who doesnt have FWB’s.

i certainly want a low key woman. That Woman was very low key and did not like to party at all. no drinking, no going out, just staying in with the family, no tons of male friends. i LUVED that about her. i mean i have dealt with the other type of woman too. too many male friends, sluts, etc. college sluts that probably use reddit now and give horrible advice.

anyway i just worry that I singlehanded Ruined my rel with that woman because of My Issues that I should have been Getting Therapy for!!!!!!

but i HAVE been going to Some Therapy and taking medz every day!

oh god what a butt slut hahahahahahahaha

at the age of 24 shes ONLY had THREE serious enough relationships (out of 600000000000 secs partners) that she Luved enough to let them put it in the ass. THANKS.

anyway didnt mean to get on a tangent there.  i just dont want to RUIN rels with My Issues. Insecurities and Anxiety and Despair and Hate and Judgeyness hahahahaha. oh you had 3 FWBs thats gross and NIHILISTIC hahahaha. well it is.

well i mean reddit said its FRIENDS with benefits and its not nihilistic, its not disrespectful, and it involves communication and respect and mutual appreciation, you are not just using people for secs nihilistically.

so THEORETICALLY its something I MAY be capable of. like if i met a qt young gurl who i thought, oh yeah shes attractive i wouldnt mind having secs with her.

but if she was a decent person and i got along with her as a FRIEND, AND was secsually attracted to her…….i would CERTAINLY get some kind of FEELINGS very quickly.

so i dont understand how these FWBs just dont end up Dating.  you get along with the person as a friend, which is HUGE, AND you are secsually attracted to them, with is HUGE, and together with the getting along? i mean shit it sounds like something that would work really well as Dating, so why the f not do that?

like i was good friends with that woman and wished i could date someone i got along with that well. and then i started thinking of her secsually…..and boom the FEELINGS came right along with that.

so yeah FWB points to the nihilistic shit of being able to separate secs from feelings, which IMHO is nihlistic and wrong and disturbing, just like that anxious niceguy(tm) OP says in that reddit where he was shamed.

fookin interviews. sick of this shit hahahahaha.

DONT WALK ALL OVER A DOORMAT AND THEN COMPLAIN ABOUT HIM BEING A DOORMAT

IT TAKES TWO TO MAKE A DOORMAT.

all these women complaining about nice guy doormats. YES I AGREE it sucks to have people THROWING themselves asking to be WALKED ON, but THAT DOESNT MEAN YOU HAVE TO DO IT!!!!! Use it as a teaching moment to leave them better than you found them. say, stand up man! Dont let people walk all over you! and feel SHAME on Yourself if YOU ever walk on people!

GOOD WOMEN DONT WALK ON MEN!

DONT WALK ALL OVER A DOORMAT AND THEN COMPLAIN ABOUT HIM BEING A DOORMAT!

BETTER TO LIGHT A CANDLE THAN CURSE THE DARKNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i never walked on people. i wouldnt feel RIGHT walking on people. id say, this is fookin retarded, get up man, im not gonna WALK on you, have some damn self respect man!

yep so reading the controversial stuff from march 2015 (1.5 years ago hahaha) its obvious i should have

  1. just left it all alone, which i OBVIOUSLY couldnt do, so therefore my best option was
  2. just Confess and Blurt It Out right then and there. STOP WAITING FOR THE PERFECT MOMENT to talk to her because she wasnt gonna take it. the best I could have done is send her a one page email stating all the facts in as unemotional a way as possible and say, welp heres the explanation for all this. now just reject me already and lets move on with our lives and not have too much butthurt.

 

 

heh i kinda wish That Woman was all sad because YES IT IS, I GET IT, that losing a friend is HARD, even if you arent losing a Lover. So I wanted to know that she was UPSET to lose me as a friend, because that means i MEANT something to her as a friend, which i was PRETTY SURE I did. And she meant something to ME as a friend too! and then shit CHAAAAANNNGGGGED!!!!!! How is this SO HARD to understand! FEELINGS CHANGE!!!!!! Just Friends shit can CHANGE to wanting to be more than friends! its not ULTERIOR MOTIVES!!!!!

i guess i was/am trying to convince myself i didnt have ulterior motives. becuase i wouldnt like ulterior motives either. but deep down i guess i know it wasnt ulterior motives.

but i can see how you might think its ulterior motives, and i really want to convince you it wasnt, because i know how bad ulterior motives are.

 

hehehehe

 

i mean this stuff HAPPENS, its not just ulterior motives. but do WOMEN ever get feelings for their GUY friends, or it it always the other way around? i dunno. knowing women and how stupid and ridiculous they are, they probably dont, hahahahaha. why not? because they are meeting fun, interesting, secsy, eligible NEW guys ALL THE TIME. just a revolving door of neverending new guys. never any need to RETHINK anything because there is always someone NEW,

women are CONSTANTLY meeting new guys. men meet like one new woman a year. women meet a new guy EVERY DAY.

shit yeah men are more easily replaceable. its just a fact of life. get used to it.

yeah well that has been hard for me. i hate being replaced hahahaha. it takes 2 years for me to get over it every time.

and now all these people are piling on the man as the bad guy here, because he was friends with her, and as soon as she says no i wont fook you, he DUMPS her and turns his back. its all about SECS and FOOKING to these women, they dont even know what LUV is, and they cant understand that feelings happen sometimes, and its really hard to turn off feelings, and sometimes you need to be away from the person in order to get over your feelings, because they dont have feelings for you! and they call that dumping your friend because she didnt want to fook you. way to totally miss the point in the most jooish way possible. its like they never had unrequited luv for a friend before hahahaha. and they probably HAVENT! men understand what this is like………women do not.

yes they are like a separate species! damn! they dont know any of our feels and we dont know any of their feels!

good thing she hurts! but i GUARANTEE SHE will get over him a LOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT quicker than he gets over her! it will take him two YEARS, it will take her 2 months, tops.

interviews monday tuesday AND wednesday. that is a first. 3 interviews in 3 days. i mean how can I NOT get a Job Offer pretty soon? hehehehe.heh.

probably because i have Stopped Trying on the interviews. but I still dont do markedly WORSE. but i am remarkably not self aware hahahaha. i write about myself all day and im still not self aware hehe.

sheeeit back in march 2015 i was smokin MJ regularly. the best thing was to just put it in a regular cigarette. take out maybe half of the filter. and then you could easily smoke those outdoors.

heh. you know why i get jealous when you go hang out and meet all these new guys? because one of these new guys youre gonna think is more interesting and secsy than me and i dont want u to leave me!

i mean people can do what they WANT. no ones entitled to anything. just saying its god damn competitive AF out there, when your GF is meeting all these hot new guys all the time, and you are pretty average at best. hows she NOT gonna leave you for one of them, when you take all this extra effort to appreciate?

i have Being Dumped issues because women have had NO PROBLEM dumping me when the time came. showing me EXACTLY how much value they thought I had As A Mate. NO PROBLEM replacing me with a Sexier Man. Doesnt mean those men were Essentially Superior Humans to Me, in GODS Eyes…………but the women I was trying to get with sure thought so!!!!!!!

so hell yeah i have ISSUES about that! anyone would!!!!!

not saying i agree with this, but wouldnt it be an incentive for the state to legalize MJ if there were HUGE TAX REVENUE they could get from it? like if people make more money with it being illegal (police, law enforcement, pharm, alcohol, lawyers, jails), then WHY NOT add SO MUCH TAX to it that the state would make more money off the TAX than they would off all these other things. which means it would have to be a damn high tax. like maybe 20% hahahaha.

basically, how much tax would be ENOUGH for State Govt to approve legal MJ?

i mean i would be willing to pay a HUGE tax.

now im DEFINITELY not saying that that tax money would be used wisely. roads would still be falling apart, schools would still be shitty, infrastructure would still be shitty, there would still be no jobs, and all the money would just go to state workers and politicians salaries and pensions hahahaha, even if it brought in in a trillion bux a year. but shouldnt that be enough to convince THEM?

how about a 100% tax rate. buy a $100 bag of MJ for $200 and $100 goes to the state. how could the state not want that.

hahahahahaha

so i will be speaking to the director of IT tomorrow, he has a very impressive linkedin and has accomplised 14880000000000000000000000 times the things i have at around the same age i am.

they mentioned another guy would be there too, they just mentioned a first name that sounded very informal, i looked up people named this at the company, and thats the CEO’s first name. he goes by this informal kind of nickname. he has a PHD from CAMBRIDGE. I mean thats intimidating as FOOK. do I really NEED all that? i am just trying to make 12 dollars an hour here. you dont need to have your cambridge phd ceo fooking talk to me.

oh i bet he has a wife and children too. and gets respect from people. well hes EARNED it!

the company is probably making at least 30 million a year in revenue and they want ME to speak to the CEO. i mean ive seen this before, where there were RIDICULOUSLY high up people in the interview for basically an entry level position.

trying to do some research on company, interview prep right now, printing shit. gonna run out of this “new” black print cartridge i just bought like a month ago. lucky if a print cart can last for 10 interviews hehehe.

right now posting some stuff from april 2015, when i was still talking to her. it is sad. real sad. i am very embarrassed and ashamed of how cowardly and weak and stupid i was. shes not a bad person. i wasnt trying to play mind games with her, but im sure i ended up confusing her anyway. she was having a tuff time in life. the best thing i could have done was be direct. and i wasnt. you think she was mature enough to handle that at 24 years old? come on.

i mean i didnt want to manipulate her either. i was just SO DESPERATE to hang out with her, and she just kept avoiding it. so why didnt i say, well she OBVIOUSLY doesnt want to hang out! so stop bugging her, OR JUST SAY WHAT I WANT TO SAY AND BE DONE WITH IT.

so it is painful seeing myself acting so idiotically against this poor little confused gurl.

but i was confused too. i wasnt trying to manipulate or control her. i just want to hang out. and i just couldnt accept reality though.

i wish i had the BALLS just to say what I was really thinking though. just be a MAN and be like LISTEN. HERES THE THING. I’ve started to like like you over the past couple months. this affects our rel and we HAVE to deal with it.

not cutesy bullshit like i missssssssss you and lets hang out soon bla bla bla.

I WAS ACTING LIKE A WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so yeah hope i dont have too many throwback posts like that, becuase i need to move on from that. i mean i learned my lesson and hopefully i wont do the same shameful shit again.

which isnt to say shes blameless. she could have done better too.

but i was no innocent either.

but im not a bad guy, shes not a bad person either, we were just two decent people who used to be good friends, both acting very weakly and cowardly, and the entire rel crumbling and dying as a result, and it was just SAAADDDDDDD AS FOOOOOOOK.  Like i say im not ANGRY at her, i haven’t really EVERY gotten ANGRY except BEFORE it ended. After it ended, I’ve just been SADDDDDDD AS FOOOOOOOOK. Cuz it really IS!

talking to the CEO. WHY would they throw out this second name, you’ll be talking to director if IT john kimball, and also billy. who the fook is billy. (not actual name.)

Why not say Billy Smith, CEO of the 500-employee company??????

so that means the job pays at least 40k right?

36k is National Average. i mean even that is a little HIGH for me, thinking well ive settled for 12 an hour, no WAY anyone would ACTUALLY pay me 18 an hour!

maybe the CEO just sits in on SOME interviews for FUN when he has the time and is not having power lunches or doing photo ops. he has a free hour, they’re doing an interview, whoopee, might as well drop in and terrify the Supplicating Dogsbody for a 12 dollar an hour job when I make 200k a year. I make TEN TIMES what he does.

It’s just not a WHITE thing to do to LORD your influence over other white men like that. And I’m pretty sure the guy is white. CEO with a phd in engin from cambridge, about 65 years old. gotta be white.

so she was just an immature little gurl, didnt know any better, dindu nuffin. yeah but she had like 5 years more relship and secs experience than me!

but THATS AS A WOMAN! WOMEN dont do any ACTUAL WORK or EFFORT or TRYING in relships! they dont learn any actual SKILLS like communication, empathy, sympathy, kindness, compassion, love, etc hahahahaha.

they can have 10 years of relship experience and still be CHILDREN!!!

anyway. interview tomorrow. another humiliation hahaha. no really MOST of the people ive talked to have been NICE.

but yeah i am ashamed i didnt do better. i really shat the bed. she kinda shat the bed too, but that much is on her. but I shat the bed too and I am ashamed of it and never want to make the same mistake again.

i dont think not shitting the bed would have made her Luv me…..but it prob would have saved some pain and butthurt from The End.

Shit just hire a shrink EVERY DAMN TIME you want to End A Rel. because you are gonna be so emotionally compromised you’ll fook it up every damn time. so just pay a shirnk 50 bucks to do it for you.

i just wish i had not been such a weak, pathetic, stupid bitch. i wish i could look back and say i was proud of how i acted. that i handled this like a grown, honorable, respectable, mature white man. and that i didnt act like a little girl.

i mean i wasnt Abusive or Creepy so I guess that is good, but I was pushy and needy and immature like a little girl. not my finest hour hahaha.

shaved face with actual razor today instead of electric shaver, its an interesting alternative and prob a closer shave.

oh well. im going to interviews. IM TRYING. IM TRYING. IM MAKING AN EFFORT hahahahaha. im not just sitting here like a lazy negro. i have done 486 applications and 27 interviews. and still cant get a 24k job with health care hahahaha.

i dunno. it just chaps my ass that 25 year old women arent mature enough to do work in a relationship and communication, but they ARE mature enough to get masters degrees and make 60k a year, and i am not mature enough to hold down a 30k a year job without Flaming Out and Breaking Down under the pressure.

really grinds my gears hahahaha.

this IT Ninja I am interviewing with has been working 20 years in IT, much of it higher level / management, but didnt finish his bachelors degree until he was successful in his career, in something COMPLETELY unrelated and useless. I mean he is the type they make MBA In IT Degrees for so he can be a good CIO.

but he probably makes too much money to want to do that, he can always get good paying work, he knows he’s got Valuable Skills. i bet he’s married as fook hahaahahahaha. i mean he’s been very gainfully employed for the past TWENTY YEARS and sounds like a charismatic, can-do guy, judging by the 10 diff recommendations from people on his linkedin. ideally i would do this, but i cant really. get linkedin recs i mean.

anyway i have to drive past HER workplace in order to get to interview/workplace tomorrow. and what if she were outside the office smoking a cig or something. well she probably quit smoking cigs, like a responsible successful person.

i should stop attacking her, because she is broken hearted that she lost a Dear Friend, ie Me! it HURTS to lose a friend!

hehehehe tell me about it. hey i lost a friend too.

oh so youre hurting? not my problem. go to a shrink. hehehehehehe.

i also hate reddit for assuming that 25 year old women are not mature enough to be responsible for their decisions and lives. and for being against getting married young and having children young. and that you are only mature once you hit 30.

yeah well this may be the case with a lot of people, but my god they are REALLY against people getting married before like age 25 at the absolutely earliest. especiall for women. men dont really matter. but women need to get all that EXPERIENCE and have all those ADVENTURES and make all those MISTAKES.  youre only ready to marry once youre 30 and have taken 30 cox.

heh. watching a ridic old sherlock holmes episode and its the guy from raiders of the lost ark, the nervous creepy nazi “toht”. wearing a ridiculous wig. is that the same guy? kinda looks like him.  i have never seen him in anything else.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2043454/?ref_=nm_flmg_act_16

yes its the same guy, ronald lacey.

ANYWAY. he died in 1991 of CANCER.  and had to use a colostomy bag since he was like 20 years old. well he still managed to have at least two children.

yeah thats the thing. its a REAL MIXED BAG, age 25 is, for women. some are mature, some are not. but i think they should be more mature than immature. i mean yeah I was immature then, and now, but I SHOULDNT HAVE BEEN. Thats WAY too old to be immature.

yeah well i had never done this before, never had this experience, never fell in luv with a friend, i didnt think i ever would. so i guess that thing wasnt INGRAINED in me by age 25! like i think everything is INGRAINED by age 25. you can still do plnety of learning and changing after that. thank god.

so….you can get a shady doctor to sign a MMJ rec, BUT the state licensing agency doesnt need to APPROVE it and send you your state approved card! actually the state DENIES about 20% of the applications they get every year! but why?????? do some doctors have a reputation as shoddy? probably. under investigation by LE? probably.

but dont they just raid the dispensaries? do they really care about doctors? ive only heard ONE news story in the past 5 years or so about a doctor getting charged with MJ card fraud.

OR should i complain about Severe Pain next time i see my regular doc, THEN get recrods printed, take those to MMJ doctor?

should i be trying to Scam The System like this? doesnt that LOOK BAD for MMJ in general, and also for Legal MJ in general?

hey just charge 100% tax and legalize it! legalize, tax, and regulate it, oh great state hahahahaha.

i mean honestly its a great safety net. i could have the Worst Day At Work of Angry Customers Demanding Explanations, and it would be easier to take knowing I had some MJ waiting at home for me!

i honestly LUV it the way i luv a waifu. it is one of the best REWARDS for me. like giving a dog a treat or giving a kid candy/ice cream. or give the normie his cuddly gf. give me some mj.

i also wish i hadnt overdone the drinking, so that i could go out with normies drinking, as a way to Team Build. you will have an easier time at Work if you go out drinking with your Team, otherwise you look like the Office Weirdo, and they are gonna try to Force You Out and Bullycide you hahahahaha.

if they REALLY have me talk to the CEO of a 300 person, 30 million a year company, i am gonna write 6000000 words on it hahahaha.

when you start a rel, start a FUND and put 50$ in it, so you can pay a shrink to facilitate the breakup. PREPAY for your inevitable breakup hahahaha. shit ill pay for it, just like a man paying for dinner. it’s well worth the 50$ to me. maybe even 100$. two sessions.

 

she makes 100k, he makes 35k, they are both 28 yo hahahahahahaha. look at this fookin normie making 35k at age 28 hahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!

what about men who get divorced at age 30, then dont date again till they are 45, and find that all the 30-45 women are HORRRRRRRRIBLE. all the ego of a 25 year old but none of the hotness to back it up. also more kids, more cox, more exes, more crazy. i dont want to date 35 year olds! except maybe for casual secs. but you cant have a FAMILY with 35 year old women!

i just worry i will never get that close to THAT high quality of a woman again and will always have to settle for LESS.

 

heres some great drama. I dont think he should GHOST her thought. just be like wow im really shocked you had an abortion, i dont think i can marry a baby murderer, or, maybe i can, lets talk about this.

i mean yeah i would be shocked too. but its probably better than cheating. maybe. its still pretty damn bad. i am very anti abortion, more than averaege.

also this woman is super retarded because she refuses to believe she was being dishonest. does not understand the concept of dishonesty by omission.

hmm maybe thats what i did to HER. lying by omission. i wasnt telling her about this big important thing.

well it all comes back to “I was PLANNING on telling her when we HUNG OUT because thats a BIG CONVERSATION that you cant have via text, needs to be done IN PERSON.”

which is true, BUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTt

what i LEARNED was,

when they keep AVOIDING you for X months,

then YES, you DO tell them the big thing via text, because your rel is pretty much OVER anyway.

oct 24

posted a response on despair forums for the first time in months, felt like interacting with someone hhehe. a man suffering after a bad breakup, where she blamed him, said its all your fault, and blocked him for being smothering, when he wasnt. that has got to be hard to hear. i imean THAT WOMAN never accused me of being smothering, but i knew she was thinking it, and i know i can be, and i have tried NOT to be.

had interview with the healthcare place today, went ok, was nervous, always nervous, anticipating crucifixion. i asked whos this “billy” guy, is the CEO really gonna be here, and they said yeah he likes to sit in on a lot of interviews, but he had to go to a last minute business lunch, sorry he couldnt be here. I said thats fine, i am always happy to come in and talk to him later, or on the phone. but yeah. that WAS the CEO. very hands on CEO. damn.

talked to it director, and there were 2 women in there as well. kind of a low pressure interview. there was an 8 minute wonderlic Intelligence Test before everything started. i only got through 20 questions. sheeeeeeit.

i forgot to ask how many people were interviewing. i did ask about salary and did not say another place was muh number 1. i demonstrated knowledge of the company and said welp i dont have tons of working experience with SQL and C++ but I coursework in them and got all A’s. i like to take initiative to teach myself the things i need to know. i use google, do due diligence, and ask intelligent questions.

i said WELP i looked at glasdoor, says 35k is the average, but i’m looking to come in well below average because i am entry level, i made X at previous job, and i am looking for 14 to 16 here, but very flexible. i want to be in your ballpark. they talked about how great the benefits were and how there are 19 paid days off a year.

i mean it looks pretty good. would not mind getting this job. this one is prob the new number 1 anyway. close to home, 15 an hour, benefits, M-F days, growing company, award winning workplace.

also i went in there and saw that a woman i used to work with at the Living Hell Previous Job was there. she was always super nice and I was nice to her and helped her when she was new. and she appreciated my help. although I think I shocked her once with my filthy mouth, hahahaahaha. but i think she forgot about that. anyway she seemed happy to see me and i was nice to her today. also sent her an invite on linkedin today while everything was fresh. she was/is a nice sweet person and thats all that matters to me. also she was a smart good worker and deserved a better job. so nice to see she got a job here. i am sure it is at least a little better than where we were.

anyway ideally she can say oh yeah he’s great, he’s super nice AND super smart. i mean i had a good repoire with her and liked helping her. i mean i liked helping people in general and our people needed a LOT of help because they were constantly being THROWN TO THE LIONS, not just the wolves, but the goddamn LIONS, they needed a lot of help, and there was not enough of a supply of help. so i took up the cross and helped people off the clock quite a bit.

anyway maybe thats a SIGN FROM GOD that THIS IS THE ONE, that this nice woman works there.

or maybe its just the 27th rejection hahahahaha. life goes on, time marches on.

way to email me paypal and amazon letting me know my password has been stolen and that i should change it hahahaha.

anyway. yeah i would totally take this job. its close and doesnt seem too bad. i could be somewhat proud of working there. there might be some help desk work but as long as its less than 4 hours of inbound calls a day, that would be ok.

i drove by the place where i heard That Woman was working. i said IM NOT GONNA LOOK AT IT but i failed in that and instead blatantly Rubbernecked at the parking lot looking for her car. I didnt see it but there were a lot of cars and i was going 40 mph. i swore that if i drove by again after the interview i would not look at the building or parking lot. that i would physically block it with my hand.

instead i just took another road to go home.

if i get this job i am willing to do whatever it takes to not look at that building or parking lot hahahaha.

i cant believe the CEO is so HANDSY that he likes to do so many interviews. he has a phd in engin from cambridge. did he publish any papers? how much money did he make as an Executive Business Consultant, and then as CEO of a health care company? how fookin rich is he? is he british? probably. why would he come from UK to here? I would rather be born in the UK hahahahahahaha well maybe. things are shitty over there too. but you are closer to Yurop and the Home of the White Race. i dunno. i just dont trust people who leave their whole FAMILY an OCEAN away unless they are nonwhite immigrants coming from the third world to the first world.

also i guess he is very hands on in the technical projects. GREAT. i mean you are like 70 years old man. go traveling. visit your family. youve made MILLIONS of dollars. the man is a MULTIMILLIONAIRE and I have to talk to HIM for a 15 dollar an hour job hahahahaha.

well they didnt say. i know youre SUPPOSED to get them to say a number first. im honestly too desperate for that, plus I already had a range in mind: 14 to 16. let them know i looked at glassdoor. maybe they’ll reject me because i looked too desperate because i said a number first hahahahaha.

they responded yes that range is in the ballpark.

i asked them about Growth in the company. they said they were growing SO MUCH they plan to DOUBLE within 3 years. they are growing so fast they can barely keep up. INTERESTING.

sent thank you email hours ago. damn.

interview tomorrow for Bank job, in Records. Bank Records. 12.50 an hour. this company is also a Best Workplace To Work. I should just apply to places on those list. as determined by large local paper. anyway. I semi respect this bank as a good employer and would be happy to take their job too. their hr person impressed me by contacting me about this job, after i was rejected for the tech job at this bank. i mean that was just good guy greg stuff. i usually hate women, HR, and companies, but she really impressed me here. i mean she didnt have to call ME. she coulda called any of the other 1000000000000000 people that had applied for that job in the past day, when i had applied like 8 months ago.  it shows they actually LOOK at those old applications and dont just throw them in the memory hole. the whole company seems above board and ethical and not run by sneaky semites.

and then on wed i have the final interview of week. not gonna get a ton of sleep before that one. early in the morning. part time job. but it pays more per hour than the FT job tomorrow. but that FT has decent, ok, average benefits.

WHEN YOU’VE BEEN DOWN AS LONG AS ME, MEDIOCRE LOOKS PRETTY DAMN GOOD!!!

like honestly a 12 dollar an hour FT job with benefits is nothin special, which all 21 year old college grads should aim for, not a 35 year old man!

i mean how can you raise a family on that? how can you attract a wife with that?

you mean youre 35 and havent found a wife and started a family yet? hahahahaha.

BABY STEPS.

get this job, then go out with slutz from okcupid hahahaha and try to find a wife.

reddit thinks that you shouldnt date men who even use the WORD “SLUTS”. at age 26 you should be more mature!

hehehe what about if you are 35 hahahahahahhahahahha

no i call women SLUTS every day. it simply means you are too promiscuous, your number is too high, you dont have enough REVERENCE for the secs act and who you do it with.

its a nihilistic culture of death. you dont have enough respect for life. at BEST, you are DANGEROUSLY immature. thats what SLUT is shorthand for. someone i only want to use for short term pleasure. never more.

sheeeeit i mean i dunno. i pretty much HAVE to go to some stupid website if i want to meet new women. whether its a WIFE, or its a short term Meat Hole hahahahahaha. a Slut.  ok how about i LOOK for a good wife type woman, then if i meet her and she turns out to be a slut, then uhhhhh let her do what sluts do, and forget about marrying her hehehe.

i just yeah. i shouldnt hate how women can be immature and get a man, but men have to be mature to get a woman. because thats just natural. thats how god made us. uterus power. but plenty of immature men get women too. you dont need to be mature, you just need to be MANLY.

 

look at this nice young man. he wants to dump his GF, but he knows she’ll be devastated, so he wants to let her down as easily as possible. he doesnt hate her, and really doesnt want to add insult to injury. or add injury to injury hahahahahaha. so he asks for advice how how to dump as gently as possible. what a nice young man!

hey i CAME CLOSE to having a real rel with a woman. technically I HAVE had actual real rels with women. just nothing that involved mating. then it was a clusterfook. they only wanted negros and men who acted like negros to fook them hahahahhaa no thats a lie. woman2012 didnt want negros. That Woman didnt ALWAYS and ONLY want negros.

basically dump someone the way you would want to be dumped. be nice……but dont be so nice that you give them false hope that its not really over. be as nice as you can in stating that it’s for sure over.

yeah this is a hard thing to talk about.  i guess i can’t blame anybody for being bad at it! let alone a cowardly little woman! shit i prob wouldnt have the balls to do it!

or when other women dumped me, they tried to be nice about it, and that led to me not fully understanding, thinking i could get them to change their mind, talk them out of it. so yeah its hard to be nice but also be VERY FIRM.

so spend 50 bucks to have a shrink do it. totally worth it. they can get the message across in a firm way with NO ambiguity. i will do this every time i have to dump someone hahahaha. or if i think a woman wants to dump me, i will hire the shrink FOR her to dump me.

this is a GREAT fookin idea. why doesnt EVERYONE do this? shrinks are everywhere, even the middle of nowhere. i mean they are nothing but MSW social workers, and these are a dime a dozen.

heh. i wonder if wimmin who have MSW degrees are better at dumping their boifrans. or better communicators. or more mature. or better Conflict Revolvers. I wonder!

or do you have to be a LICENSED or CLINICAL social worker.

 

ITS LESS PAINFUL TO HATE WOMEN THAN TO STILL WANT THAT WOMAN

aug 1

shit i was so triggered by that stupid xkcd friends comic that i lost sleep thinking i was that guy with her, and thats why she hates me, and i am a horrible person who did a horrible thing. a dishonest liar coward.

and if im defending myself, then its probably because i see myself in the character no?

well lemme state that i agree that nice guys tm as they are presented are shitty and horrible and anybody who REALLY does this should feel ashamed. but i just dont thing these things happen this way!

these nice guy haters NEVER address the questions of: how can you hide your feelings so well for so long?

even though it IS the responsibility of the person with feeligns to express those feelings, why cant the woman say, something feels WEIRD here, it feels like you are starting to get feelings for me. why doesnt that ever happen?

because usually EVERYONE CAN TELL the guy is in luv with the gurl. his friends know, everyone knows, why doesnt the WOMAN have even the LEAST suspicion?

does the guy deny to himself and to everyone that he has feelings for her?

whats wrong about a friendship that grows into something deeper? what if youre still getting over someone else? what if you dont like fooking people right away?

why does the woman have to date SO MANY GUYS and Fook them? why is she such a damn slut with a revolving door of badbois? She has SOME responsibility for PICKING these “jerks.”

i wanted a damn attorney to argue my case that I was NOT a NICEGUYtm.

  1. i wasnt trying to HIDE shit. I was TRYING to talk about it and get it out in the open.
  2. i wasnt “settling” for friendship as a “consolation prize.”
  3. my feelings CHANGED in the MIDDLE of the friendship.
  4. i wanted her to STAY with her “jerk” original BF. I didnt think he was a jerk per se and I encouraged her to make an EFFORT with him.
  5. i CHANGED entirely once I began liking her and she totally noticed the difference in my behavior and thought it was weird.
  6.  i DID respect her.
  7.  i DID value the friendship. but i was willing to sacrifice it all for the TRUTH to come out.

anyway i AGREE with the author that being That Guy is WRONG, but i dont think theres so many nerdy men out there doing this.

when you get FEELINGS for someone, its an IMPORTANT thing, its not like some woman fooking 9000 badboys. you have REAL feelings, and you get nervous, and confused, and scared, and mentally and emotionally compromised. you dont make the best decisions about how to handle things.

like getting nervous at a job interview like i have tomorrow and thursday hahaha. you dont say things super confidently like trumpenfuhrer.

heh. the author of xkcd is younger than me. not that i am YOUNG! but i used to be young. in skool, i was used to being the youngest one in my class.

also, he was a successful nerd who went on to have a GREAT career, and have GFs, and write a comic that thousands of people liked and allowed him to quit his GREAT NASA scientist job. why would you quit that?

so yeah i hate thinking i was LIKE THAT.  I KNOW being like that is WRONG. I never WANT to be like that. but I did act so well either. I SCARED ok? its not EASY to blurt out to somebody that you luv them! so i tried to figure out other ways of doing it! and that wasted a lot of time.

but she could have hung out with me once, like the xkcd gurl HUNG OUT with the cueball guy. she wasnt avoiding him like the plague because she thought he liked her hahaha.

also he stops being a bad niceguy the second she consents to a relationship with him! nobody ever points this out!

oh but he was manipulating her in a moment of weakness and loneliness.

well shit, arent our whole LIVES moments of weakness and loneliness????

i was lonely but that doesnt mean i settled for her out of loneliness!

and why didnt she just dump him like 2 days after they fooked and said yeah i was drunk, we shouldnt do this?

the woman gets into a new relationship every month, the man hasnt been in a rel in 10 years. of COURSE he’s gonna be rusty and AWKWARD and nervous and be the antithesis of SMOOTH!

dont accuse someone of lying and scheming and deceiving when really they are just awkward and scared to say “i like u”. cant you tell from the way they act around you that they like you? them texting you all the time with smileys and hearts and them wanting to hang out and buy you dinner and walk in the park and all that?

don’t these niceguys do that?

how are these niceguys hiding their feelings? or are the women just that bad at reading obvious signals? i don’t doubt that either.  like we said before, women are notoriously bad at relationships and communication. just godawful at these things. if relships were a meritocracy for women, the species would go extinct. because they are all incompetent at the WORK and ACTION that needs to be done to build and maintain relationships. you do all the work for them cuz you cant make babies without them. but they dont know that hahaha. they dont know ANYTHING hahaha.

i wasnt perfect, i made some mistakes, but i was NOT a niceguytm like that comic portrays!

it hits close to home because i have stuff in common with niceguytms and worry that i might be confused for one. well im not, and i will be the first to tell you i hate women and i am not a nice guy hahahaha. just a hateful woman hater. i dont LIKE it, but they just give me SO MUCH to HATE hahahahaha. stop being so god damn hatable! Be Better! Do Better!

and i especially hate thinking that SHE thought I was like that! but i dont know for sure if she thought that.

had 2 more recruiters call me today. i think its MONSTER. every time you upload a new resume, it automatically gets set to public. i uploaded one a few days ago. i guess i forgot about that.

i mean i wouldnt want to be a recruiter either. calling 40 people a day. how can you even juggle that many people? i just cant juggle that many people. but i guess you’re SUPPOSED to if you want a job. and you have to have a job. no wonder women can JUGGLE SO MANY men. you just have SUPER shallow “relships” with them all.

SUPER shallow. quantity not quality. r not K.

yes i care what people think about me. not all people, but the people i care about. i care if they have the completely wrong idea about me and think i am a horrible person when im really just a coward who desperately wants to not be a horrible person!

im trying so hard not to be a horrible person, its just SO HARD hahahahahahahahaha.

hooray 100 jobs in 1 month. well, 1 month and 1 day.

i just get ANGRY looking at these jobs and thinking should i apply, could i handle this, how stupid is this, and then think of HER making good money, moving forward, staying TOUGH, and i am way smarter than her, and I have THREE times the college she does hahahaha, and EIGHT years older than her, yet she is doing SO much better at life than me, and i am having SUCH a hard time doing the BARE MINIMUM.

welp see the dr next week, will ax them to bump me up from 40 mg citalopram to im guessing 60. i dunno. that would be my guess. not like anybody knows what they are doing anyway. so give me a huge xanax prescription, a huge painkiller prescription, also a MJ prescription, etc.  thats what i think you should do doc.

but maybe there will be a cute 22 year old medical skool gurl there hahahaha. and ill be like did you i graduated from BLA BLA and she will say oooo i wish i could have gone there and Ill say yep its a great school innit, well i still became a huge failure and i wish i could be as successful and normie as you, a 22 year old med student hahahaha. i mean you got accepted to med skool, thats a big deal. i had already crashed and burned by that age. i peaked in high school hahahaha. looks like youre peaking in med skool. good for you. want to go for coffee in an elevator hahahahaha and talk about how science is awesome and how women should be polyandrous hahahaha and may I Prep Milady’s Bull pl0x?

so applying to jobs and thinking of her sneering down on me….she’s NOT REALLY DOING THAT. but she prob IS more successful than me and just moved WAY ahead of me in the Game of Life. but she doesnt care enough to sneer at ME. i wish she did hahahaha

but yeah point is, i shouldnt even think of HER while doing jobsearch, but i DO, possibly because i am a masochist.

ok applied to 5 jobs today AND printed out my interview stuff for tomorrow. prob wont apply to anything tomorrow, or maybe 1.  and then have the awkward social situation tomorrow night with the drunk team member. he didnt show up last week so we dodged a bullet. he never NOT shows up, so that was a first. so he is bound to come back soon. and we will have to deal with the situation.

i hate EXPLAINING things to people because most of the time I dont understand whats going on. it is SO HARD for me to UNDERSTAND new stuff QUICKLY. i can use flashcards to memorize it quickly but it still doesnt make any SENSE.  and thats where the bullshitting comes in.

so i dont even grade the postings any more, i just say APPLY, APPLLYYYYYYY for the really good ones, or maybe for the meh ones. thats all there is, because thats all that matters.

i really should LIFT, or i really should do some kind of sprinting or high intensity thing with my powerwalks. that was the one good thing about the Fatclub, well besides staring at indecently dressed sluts, that I got pretty good at Jogging. now i dont jog any more.

EXPLANATIONS ARE FOR THE WEAK.

saying just tell me what to do and i’ll do it pleasssseeeee is for the WEAK.

ONLY THE STRONG SURVIVE.

WEED OUT THE WEAK.

MIGHT MAKES RIGHT.

now excuse me while I listen to James Read War Metal hahahahaha

i mean i do basically agree with all that. being weak hasn’t gotten me anywhere in life.

i basically hate all NORMIES like HER who arent in the middle of this grueling, humiliating, terrifying job search process. where every day you feel like a worthless, incompetent, subhuman, subminimum piece of shit retard loser neet. ohhhh and shesss such a bigggg winnnneerrrrrr.

no, she doesnt even CARE. she FORGOT about me long ago, has new friends now.

and i dont. i am not super close with my weekly event friends but im not sure i really WANT to be. i mean we dont have too much in common. they are nice people and we get along but i dont feel a super close connection with them.

maybe i should look on the social anxiety forum for how they deal with angry customers demanding explanations for things you dont understand, but you cant transfer them, so you have be cool under pressure and bullshit your way out of it. cuz really the ANXIETY is what kills you in these situation. not the despair. but the anxiety is the big problem there at that time.

there is another stupid xkcd comic called “rejection” which shames guys who get mad when they get rejected. because you’re supposed to be HAPPY about being REJECTED. good god. how does this guy live with himself. because he’s got a good job and makes a lot of money and somehow is better with the ladeez than me. i dunno. maybe he has an open relationship or cucking fetish. would explain a lot. i mean what kind of MAN is a FEMINIST. thats what he comes off as. a feminist male. and i guess the feminists give him enough action to keep him a servile feminist.

did nice 5 mile powerwalk

that feel when you feel like you just cant DO shit, you cant DO a job. your customers call you asking you to do something for them, and you dont know how to do it, and you look like an incompetent idiot who is not qualified for your job.

like for example this job interview tomorrow. i dont know shit about security systems. cameras and alarms. but that shit is gonna be in my purview. people could get away with crimes if i dont know what im doing. say i see somebody getting K’d on a surveillance camera. or rather, the camera went out, i neglected to fix it because i didn’t know how, and during that time, someone got K’d in view of that broken camera, where if i had fixed it, there would be a good chance of Identifying the Suspect or something.

but OOPS i fooked up and this guy gets off scott free and a poor white gurl is dead.

not that this is a high crime area. but there is the occasional groping or assault or theft by a nonwhite.

also the job starts at 40k. are you kidding me? i am only asking for 26k hahahaha. but i wont tell them that.

well i found their knowlege base, it only has like 15 articles in it hahaha.

well i mean shit if they want to hire me, they’ll hire me, in fact the odds are against me. MAYBE they want me for the midnight shift. i mean shit that is when all the people do crime, at like 3 or 4 in the morning.

i just wanted to BE HEARD. if youre gonna punish me, give me a chance to explain myself before the court.

that xkcd friends comic needs like a sequel or an update or a few more chapters to fill out the story.

and who exactly is cueball and who exactly is this woman in the larger universe of the comic? i mean maybe this cueball guy really truly is a little bitch. its hard to tell ANYTHING from this one comic.

notice cueball is not showing a lot of internal conflict. this does reflect poorly on him. when my feelings started, i had HELLA internal conflict, because i wanted to tell her. i wanted to show her. i tried showing her because i was too scared to blurt out “i like u nao” and the tension and conflict rose and rose until it exploded. none of this happens in the cueball situation. in fact, she is hanging out with him, sitting on the couch next to him, drinking. COME ON.

and hows he supposed to know she did that because of a moment of weakness? ESPECIALLY if she continues dating him? that just doesnt happen. she would in reality just dump him soon after saying, yeah dont get too used to that because i was just drunk and it didnt mean anything.

BELIEVE ME, if she didnt REALLY WANT to be in a rel with him, she would LEAVE HIS ASS in the blink of an eye. she wouldnt STAY WITH HIM while she figured it out. dump first, figure it out / rationalize it later.

so yeah i dont like how the comic portrays the woman as a blameless victim. yeah, cueball is a little bitch, but the woman is an immature IDIOT too who bears SOME responsibility. dont turn her into some innocent martyr. shes a fookin MORON who is too immature to have ANY relationship but she just falls into them because women are the supply, men are the demand.

this is what i write about instead of thinking about muh job interview tomorrow. yeah i am a little worried about that too hahaha.

i have had happy times which didnt involve her. so i must remember those times. chief among them was this nice time in spring/summer 2014 where i met up with an old college friend and we did a bit of a “road trip” to go to a wedding. it was a lot of fun. good people and good times. and That Woman had nothing to do with it. although at that time, i was thinking “we get along so well, maybe I should think more seriously about trying to date her. she is such a nice gurl and we get along so well. but she is breaking up with her BF nao and that has got to be tough. i mean that will take a few months to get over. I dont want to swoop in like some stalker waiting to pounce.” and THE she starts dating some new sleazebag and then I got REALLY interested. what was she doing jumping into this? why pick a sleazebag? why avoid me like the plague? why wasnt I cool any more?

like i say, it hurts to be once held in high regard, then get Demoted. Downgraded.

i wonder if that little adventure helped me make up my mind regarding the female friend. maybe a little bit. i was starting the journey but it would take a few more months to go all the way.

aug 2

sheeeeit interview TODAY. 2 pm. 12 pm right now. i have taken shower, shave, eat breakfast, gone to bathroom, even pre tied the tie i am going to wear because it can be a little tricky. it takes me a full 1 hour and 40 minutes to Get Ready for a Big Day like this. that includes getting out of bed, shower, shave, bathroom, coffee, breakfast, teeth brushing and flossing, and putting on suit with tie.

do not feel great about this, why are they even calling me in for this 40k job that covers a lot of stuff. i cant handle this, i cant hande anything hahahaha. way to pump yourself up before a big interview haha.

HORRY SHEET. well i had the interview. me and the Director. nobody else. no 5 person panel. me and him in a room for One Hour. I was very nervous going in. VERY nervous.

He was really nice, nicer than I expected, no super hard questions. The interview actually went a little BETTER than average. the job starts in the HIGH 40s. He said there were 4 people interviewing. DAMN. I felt pretty good about the interview and the job sounds really good actually. with absolutely ridiculous pay, benefits, health care, days off, ridiculous 401k matching. it sounds too good to be true really. whats the catch.

so i felt some confidence and felt good, getting this would be a LIFE CHANGER. i mean i should become a BORN AGAIN GOD worshiper if I can get this. total LIFE CHANGER. transform me from a total loser to a pretty damn big WINNER OVERNIGHT.

he was nice to me and I was nice to him. I expected a hardass grilling me with super tough questions. specially from seeing his picture on the website. but he was nice.

and then i thought “dont get a big head about this, what if i dont get it,” and THEN I thought

NO. NO. GO AHEAD AND YES, DO GET A BIG HEAD ABOUT IT. ENJOY that feeling of confidence and big headedness. THIS is what NORMIES feel every day, THIS is what is attractive to women, THIS is what makes winners and strong husbandos and fathers, THIS is what I’ve been missing, and THIS bigheaded overconfident feeling is what I NEED in my life.

its better to be overconfident than underconfident. period. who cares if its hubris. ENJOY IT. because how often do you feel GOOD and CONFIDENT? FOOKING NEVER. ENJOY IT. DRINK IN THE BIG HEADEDNESS.

this is what normies and and WHAT MAKES THEM NORMIE. It is GOOD to feel this.

so what if i get rejected. I would have gotten rejected ANYWAY. better to at least feel GOOD for a LITTLE bit.

because what seems like HUbris and Cockiness and the Sin of Pridefulness to me, is actually just NORMAL CONFIDENCE.

because I am SO UNUSED to feeling this.

THIS is what is attractive to EVERYBODY: employers, friends, women, EVERYBODY.

so if i get this job it means I can contact HER and be like HAY BABY.

NOOOOO. well it does mean I will beat her at the game of life, which is good. but it means i will be able to find a BETTER woman, who wont leave me in the fookin lurch, and who is willing to Go To Bat for me.

i mean everything. he starts talking about the pay and benefits early in the discussion, oh you get 12 sick days a year, but we dont like to take more than 10, everyone here is nice and helps each other out, yeah we can be flexible with hours, doesnt have to be 8 to 5, could be 7 to 4 because i know how traffic gets around here (pretty bad), we have one guy who wanted to do 4 10’s, so he only works 4 days a week. i was just thinking why are you even telling me this. and he didnt seem like he was SELLING anything, like sleazy managers who tell you anything to get you in the call center seat. he started as an officer

good god just got a call about another job, now have interview on monday with mortgage dept of bank. wow. not too excited about that hahahaha. well at least they didnt want me to come in TODAY or TOMORROW.

anyway the……college security computer tech job had the interview today is definite hella better. i mean these arent sleazebags nor do they seem like dirty cops hahahaha. he’s like yeah we get pretty good funding because the college is serious about security. ive been here 10 years, there are 2 other guys on this tech team, one has been there 3 years, got a new guy last year, they dont seem chomping at the bit to GET OUT OF THIS HELLHOLE hahahaha. ie they dont hate their jobs and lives.

so like i say, i got a good vibe off the supervisor at the security job. he rattled off all these benefits matter of factly. he even hinted that there might be DOWNTIME. and people arent working 60 hours a week every week, running ragged to meet impossible production quotas and crushing people to get there. which would prob happen at this damn bank hahaha.

well at least its not this Hip Mortgage Broker (Lender?) that hires Classes of 30+ people every few months, then they quit or get fired in a revolving door. but they paint themselves as so damn HIP and FUN and COOL that it comes across as very disingenuous and i have stopped applying there hahahahaha.

yeah i mean i care about the culture, in that i want the culture to enable you to do your work, meaning you can get help if you need it, and not look like a fool getting thrown in the deep end who cant do shit for your clients. a company that sets up you for success not failure.

but of course a company that sets you up for failure will tell you that they set you up for success, that they care about work life balance, that they have a starbucks and a gym in the building, you get free coffee and soda and fruit. oh wow. how about you just give me work that i can actually handle. just be fooking straight and honest with me. don’t make me lie and bullshit to poeple, and dont tell me bullshit either.

so yeah the coppers today seemed honest and no bullshit. good cops hahahaha. i mean i like cops. unlike that woman, who hates cops and luvs ingras hahahaha.

fookin 49k a year, are you KIDDING ME? ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

i almost dont deserve this hahahaha.

i thought you had to have a MASTERS degree to make 49k a year.

I would be happy with 29k a year hahahaha. i didnt tell him that though.

well this is not a union position. no contracts. meaning they probably could shift the pay. go to a lower salary band. but the college throws buckets of money at their public safety department! they are flush with cash in a way that no damn companies are! its kind of insane.

now normally to get a police job you have to do police academy, pass tests, and then start off in a fooking shithole ingra jungle like compton or bronx or something. you dont start out in a CUSHY place like this. you gotta pay your DUES first. i havent been paying dues! i have YET TO PAY MUH DUES!

basically this job would be too good to be true. not a lot of bullshit, GREAT pay, fooking raises every damn year, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? most people havent gotten a raise in like 5 years!

AND making enough money to Win a true honest to GOD 1488 Tradwife!!!!!!!!

Which is much harder to do at 28k a year. which i would have gladly taken hehehehe.

he didnt even ask why i left my previous job! though im not even sure he knew i HAD left it.

so yeah not every job i interview for do i say, ya know, I would really LIKE to get that job. but this one, definitely.

im noticing it takes at LEAST a month after apply for the job for them to get back to you about an interview. with some exceptions where they call you pretty quick. but if they dont call you in a week….they’ll call you in a MONTH.

anyway. its also important to remember…..say i were to get this job and my life would do a total 180 overnight. huge loser to huge winner. rags to riches. omega to alpha. foreveralone to loving tradwaifu. its important to remember that NOTHING has changed about ME. I’m the same person as I was before the interview, as I was for the hour I was doing the interview, on the basis of that hour they will decide to give me a 49k job and wave the magic wand and transform my life.  and i will still be the same person, same essence.  the same foreveralone virginal neet who managed to fake competence for an hour, in the right place at the right time, to convince the nice man to hire me.

really i mean this in the good way, like, i always had It In Me, when I tend to think I DONT have it in me. the confident man says YES I DO have “it” in me. I can handle this. I deserve good things. I can do a good job. I am WORTH 49k a year hehhehehehe. Seriously!!!!

I mean Im DEFINITELY worth 30k a year…..but 49k? I just can’t see it.

well at least I got an interview for a 13k a year job on thursday hahahaha. I am definitely worth 13k hahahaha.

49k PLUS health care (well Im sure that cuts into your 49k) PLUS paid time off PLUS vacation days PLUS 401k where they straight up contribute and you dont even have to! and weekends off! straight Mon thru Fri! and no midnights! no Split Shifts! No 60-80 hour weeks! there might be holidays but it sounds like there is rotations.

32k national AVERAGE for the mortgage job interviewing on monday. i would expect more towards the low end of 27k.  the job description is really confusing and talks about vendors and pipelines and distributed and waaaat.

i hate reading job descriptions, you dont even know what they’re SAYING, its like speaking a different LANGUAGE. and then you meet the people, and in a good situation like today, you see they are normal, nice, decent, honest people who aren’t trying to baffle you with BS. cuz these job descriptions are total bs.

property preservation. like a drug house in the ghetto where they need to scrub the blood off and the meth lab explosions and black mold and termites and toxic waste so the bank can sell it to fookin tarek and christina.  well wouldnt THEY do most of the rehab work? i mean alot of their shit was just shitty that they buy. i dunno! thats why they dont train you! i dunno! its just my job! who knows if im doing it right! yeah sure im doing it right! these are best practices HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

WOULD FATHER HUHWHYTE CHILDREN WITH/10

[NOTE Dec 20 2016: This is part of my MERRY CHRISTmas celebration of poasting, where I will have posts the next 5 days thru CHRISTmas. ENJOY hahahaha. and I want to thank all my dear readers who understand that that just because I take the side of my own people, it doesn’t mean that I am hateful and violent and crazy and need to be reported. This USED to be what NORMAL PEOPLE did. NORMIES.

Also I started a New Job in December. You will not start seeing poasts about that for about another 7 months, hahahahaha. but just so you know, I DID eventually end up getting a Job. Not a bigboy job, not a job I can brag about as a grown man, but to say that I am Working at least 20 times more than I was is not an understatement. Also its very low stress and the people are very nice and i don’t have to answer phones with stupid crazy issues in a call center with calls all day from angry users with complicated problems that don’t make any sense! nope I barely answer the phone, everything is straightforward, I have smart experienced people 2 feet away I can ask questions no problem, its a 180 from previous job, and I REALLY NEEDED THIS. I AM VERY THANKFUL TO GOD AND MUH FAMILY for helping me on my struggle to get this job. It’s not a PROPER job….but it will do in the short term. plan is to impress the shit out of people here, get a few more written references, and move to a more substantial job in this Large Organization.]

may 25

had semi interesting dream where I was drunk and rambling and about to pass out and miraculously I was hanging out one on one with this woman from college I wish I had hung out more with because she had some real potential. I should have been putting moves on her (IRL as well as in the dream!) but in the dream I just passed out and she fell asleep next to me but I dont think we were actually touching. I woke up with a hangover and thought oh shit, I got SO drunk I couldn’t even properly Use Game on this woman hahahaha. If i hadnt been so raging drunk, I could have been more charming to her, and we maybe could have made out or at least cuddled. but why is she even here then? most women would have left right away in digust.

and then I had to leave and she hugged me and said call me, we should hang out again soon. usually they dont actually SAY that unless they mean it. and I thought YESSSS I still have a chance.

and that was basically it.

anyway she had real potential and could probably REPLACE and make me FORGET about that woman, well assuming we hung out and she didnt avoid me hahaha. onyl problem is i cant really hang out with her. well i technically CAN, she only lives 65 miles away or so. but shit. its probably even harder to start a rel long distance than it is to maintain an established rel which becomes long distance in the middle of it.

but this woman still looks good even though shes GOT to be 30 years old by now. I mean she is close to MY age. and I would STILL Date Her.

she wasnt a slut when I first met her but I think she became more sluttish throughout her 20s hahaha. and technically she is a career woman with not many fertile years left.  she didnt go to grad school immediately but she’s got a pretty good job and now she is going to a well known grad school which will prob take her career from darn good to really great.  a Thought Leader hahaha.  this is how you become a manager at a Good Career. I can’t even become a Junior Employee at a Good Career. we are kinda two different worlds there. whereas with That Woman, our world were closer.

post office interview tomorrow. mail processor. asking them direct questions about phone time, wage, benefits, how many positions open

well apparently the post office has a reputation for workplace bullying and abusive management, thats why people go postal. well if that happens i can just ragequit again and say I dont like saying anything negative but there was a very high level of workplace bullying there which could not be lessened through assertive communication.

Probably something to do with neurological pathways and training ourselves to think as moving towards self-acceptance vs moving away from it, while also seeing how prone we are to harsh self-criticism in the first place. I myself am EXTREMELY critical against myself and definitely should show more patience and compassion to myself. I am generally very nice to others as a rule. It would be good to show that same care to myself. I do have a history of depression, anxiety, failure, underachievement, general bad attitude.

well i liked having that dream about that other woman because it meant i CAN have feelings for other women besides That Woman….however I also felt regret that I didn’t pay attention to the woman in the dream during that time when we were both young and I actually lived near her. VERY near! She literally lived on the same block as me! but I only hung out with her a couple times, and always part of groups!

who knows, maybe she would have thought I was weird and would have avoided me in favor of other guys. but she was generally nice to me and didnt seem to know a lot of guys. at that time. she became more of a slut AFTER college hahaha. and now she’s fookin 30. still in shape, still looks very good, out of my league both in terms of looks and her career. she is well on her way to becoming a catlady. albeit a good looking one. very good looking one. and I know she’s a little bit crazy. And I would worry that she was a LOT crazy and would really leave me in the lurch if I ever got involved with her now. which I wont because I havent talked to her in 10 years and she lives 60 miles away. I just have dreams about her sometimes hahahaha.

heh. have never really experienced workplace bullying believe it or not. theres something i need to check off my bucket list hahahahaha. i imagine its worse than elementary school bullying because you cant escape it, and also in school, your teacher is more likely to care about you and want to help you, whereas at te workplace, your manager is much less likely to care and to help you out. in fact, your manager may well be the one bullying you. i think we can safely say that most TEACHERS dont bully their students.

No glitches or errors. I am committed to providing insightful and detailed feedback to assist Duke Fuqua produce the best research possible. Please contact me through mTurk if you would like further input on this or any other studies. Thank you.

hahahahahaha

I know top tier schools like Duke and Harvard have lots of money. If I can get on the inside track here, maybe I will get first crack at the Premium HITs hahahaha.

heh i have made 50 dollars in 7 days. and I still have a LOT of pending stuff from this time that will translate in MO MONAY for me.

but yeah. never had serious problems with workplace bullying or superbad cliques. i mean there were some cliques. and the worst thing i had to “deal” with was that WOMAN, and she wasnt BULLYING me, she was just breaking muh heart hahahaha. and I didnt DEAL with it, i just QUIT hahahaha.

i dont make a LOT at this mTurk but its good to even make a LITTLE. to see that I have made 50 dollars in 7 days, well thats nothing if youre working, shit thats nothing if youre getting unemployment, but when you have NO income, its a big improvement.

also my bitcoin microloans are useless and not a good return, lots of deadbeats there, and also US residents have been barred from investing any more money in BTCjam, so, thats as good as dead as me. I still have like 30 bucks tied up in there that I intend to get back.

and bitcoin poker, well i am losing money there. i am down. i have made more in 7 days on mturk than i have in more than a year playing poker. i am down on my initial investment for my whole poker career essentially. i can still break even but……i dont expect that in under a year.

these stanford women golfers are just very pretty hahaha. nice cute blond young 19 year old gurls. not slutty looking at all. I hope they dont take alotta cox at stanford. that is a very hard school to get into. im sure being a woman golfer helps.

may 26

https://forum.federalsoup.com/default.aspx?g=posts&t=38949#post423933

PSE means postal support employee

hehehehehe some terrible reviews here

http://www.postal-reporter.com/blog/letter-to-the-editor-the-life-of-a-postal-support-employee-pse/

https://forum.federalsoup.com/default.aspx?g=posts&t=42315#post461974

oh ho ho:

Below is a list of characteristics and values, some of which may be important to you and some of which may be unimportant. Please rank these values and qualities in order of their importance to you, from 1 to 13 with 1 = most important item and 13 = least important item. Click on an item in the list and drag it to the desired position to rank each item.

My values and qualities:

1 Relations with friends/family
2 Being kind to others
3 Social skills
4 Sense of humor
5 Business/managerial skills
6 Treating people fairly
7 Physical attractiveness
8 Athletics
9 Creativity
10 Neatness/tidiness
11 Artistic skills/Aesthetic appreciation
12 Music ability/appreciation
13 Spontaneity/living life in the moment

 

Based on this test, it is clear that you are racially biased at the unconscious level. More specifically, the results indicate that you have a strong preference in favor of White people compared to Black people. Below, you’ll see a graphical representation of where your test score places you compared to the population.

Please note that a significant amount of research in the social and behavioral sciences indicates that scores on this test predict people’s judgment of and behavior towards racial minorities. For example, one study demonstrated that people with racial bias often avoid being friends with racial minorities or treat them unfairly in social situations, even though they didn’t intend to. This means that there is a really good chance that you harbor unconscious bias towards Black people and are particularly likely to discriminate against them.

hahahahahahah GOOD! I HOPE Im a HUGE racist! but i think this is a deception, they didnt do SHIT.

Like I said above, I am fairly prejudiced and the “test” “confirmed” this, and I was sort of happy to see that. I DO favor people of my ethnicity over people who are not, although I don’t have hatred towards anyone, and I try to treat people of all races well. My goal is to do no harm and be kind to everyone. I am not mean or hurtful towards nonwhites. But I have a great appreciation and love for whites, I feel like they are my team. I would definitely not want to have mixed-race children. I would prefer to live in a majority-white community. I think all races are entitled to put their own race first. I don’t really feel guilty about white privilege. I am very interested in race. I think race is more than a social construct and that real differences exist between the races on a biological, genetic level. Again I am not hateful or violent or angry. I don’t make decisions that will harm nonwhites in any way, such as if I were in a position of authority where I might have some influence on “institutional racism.” That would definitely be an interesting moral dilemma however. I am very interested in participating in any research on race and attitudes and prejudice. I would advise researchers to study the thoughts of the “Alt Right”, which is a growing movement of thought which articulates ideas not commonly found in the modern university. Please contact me through mTurk if you need any detailed commentary. Thank you and good luck with your research.

HA! as i suspected, they said my diagnosis as very racist was false and not based on this reaction time task I did. but i AM very racist hahaha. I said the test itself sucked. then they said it WAS a valid test. I just have no idea what this valid test says about me being racist. maybe the test would say I am not racist at all. then i would be disappointed hahaha.

I am committed to helping researchers produce research of the best quality and I am happy to give very detailed feedback on any studies. Please contact me through mTurk if you are interested in very high-engagement and detail-oriented research participants.

anyway. interview at the damn post office. it wasnt too bad. post office is closer. but there is a lot of bad shit on the internet about this PSE thing, which is basically the shittiest job at the post office, and very hard to move out of. heck most jobs are very hard to move out of. promotions are a thing of the past. just being not fired or laid off is the new promotion. keeping your job with no raise is the new promotion hahaha.

there are horror stories. what I dont like is that they could start you at 3 am one day and 4 pm the next day, and you can have split shifts where you work 5 hours, get off 4 hours, then come back and work 5 more hours, then come back in 8 hours and work a 16 hour shift with no break or lunch.

i am honestly up in the air here. They say with the post office the managers are incompetent at best and abusive at worst. these guys didnt seem abusive. I felt them getting bored as I rambled on and on hahaha. he made it sound like split shift would not happen more than once a week. but yeah the PSE are fill in people.

what IS good is that its all BACK OFFICE stuff, very little customer contact. no phones. Just processing pieces of mail. Of course this is not without its problems as the machine can fook up and you are measured carefully and have to produce x amount so the carriers can take them out at y o clock. also lots of lifting of 70 pounds and lifting. Sounds like you could get in pretty good shape. I am ok with that, tho not sure I can lift 70 pounds hahaha.

I am more concerned wiht the machine getting a rubber band caught in it, so it finishes processing 45 minutes late, which enrages carriers because they are also PSE’s under the gun trying to finish their routes by 5pm or they are fired.

but I guess it really depends on your post office, your managers.

and PSE is not a job, it is a class of worker. You can be a PSE carrier, PSE processing clerk (which is what i think this is.) then the serious tenured people are “regulars” which I think are the same as “Career.” they are cutting way back on these. it is basically impossible to get a career job, and people have been PSE’s for 7 years with no raise, told to “keep waiting, hold on” for a career spot. I guess the benefits of career are better health care, better pay, raises, more breaks hahaha.

I honestly dont know. I am a little scared and apprehensive but less than with the phones. but here i am apprehensive about the weirdass schedule and a Work Culture that is notorious crabs in a bucket shit. and PSE’s are always at the bottom of the bucket. and some places dont want to train you. just figure it out and dont fook it up. more than a couple RUN DONT WALK reviews. IT’s impossible to tell about this particular office. The 3 managers I talked to today seemed ok. The “customer service manager” was younger than me and said he also had a useless degree hahahaha. well he is certainly not a PSE. are all managers regulars?  how did such a young man get that job?  the two other guys were older. one was a fat white guy who was not very charismatic and there was a black man who kinda seemed like the Alpha Male, had a somewhat intimidating presence but he was nice enough.

the waiting area before I went to go in to the actual interview was atrocious. it was a dimly lit cramped space with peeling wallpaper. i got there early, probably too early. they didnt bring me in till 15 minutes after the appointment time, whilst I waited in that ungodly little area.

NEETSPLAINING TO NORMIES

april 15

shit. paying 5 dollars to get an “OFFICIAL” pdf transcript of my 70 credits at community college. well, it looks better than an unofficial transcript. hopefully has the Solemn Seal of the Esteemed, Reputable college hahahaha. no the college is fine. it has produced many successful winners who make way more money and have way more kids than me hahahaha. shit. like That Woman. shit. i cant believe she’s even capable of a 5 year intimate relationship with a man hahaha.

fookin NORMIES dont seem to understand LUV. when you get your heart broken, you wail and moan and feel like you’re the only one who has experienced this. But you’re really not. everybody has.

but i wonder: is that true?? I really DONT think many normies experience both love this deep, and heartbreak this deep. They get over it in a couple months at most, more like a couple weeks!

within a few months at longest, they are FOOKING new people!!!!!!

dont be so god damn quick to jump into bed with new people like an easy slut!

KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS!!!!

CLOSE YOUR LEGS!!!!!

CASUAL SEX IS VERY BAD!!!!

The only normies who can understand are those whose Beloved Wife DIES, and they are like Welp, that is it, the love of my life is gone and she can’t be replaced. I dont even WANT to be with anyone else. Sometimes they get married again YEARS later. but for YEARS they aren’t even REMOTELY INTERESTED in trying to find anyone else.

I was watching hunt for red october which is an ok movie, and liked the high pressure situations where they were seconds away from death and waiting on the order of a possibly crazy captain, who never ever explained the crazy shit he was doing. so people would get FLUSTERED and say CAPTAIN do you REALIZE what youre DOING, and he would sit there like a stone for a few more seconds, then bark out an order.

well, in this case, the crew was not trying to explain weird inexplicable shit to End Users, and also their captain was right there telling them exactly what to do, taking ownership and responsibility, even if he gave no explanation.

but I was trying to make sense of shit too. like WHY CAN’T the sub see another sub that is following directly behind it? but the sub in back can see the one in front?

don’t they have radar as well as sonar? that can see a big metal ship in any direction?

how do torpedoes home in on whatever? they can seek a large object…..even if its not the sub they intended to hit. and you can accidentally blow yourself up. is this actually possible or just a tom clancy fantasy?

what is the chain of command here? who is in the loop and who is not? what if someone makes a clerical error hahahahaha.

how high do you have to be in the CIA to override orders by a ships captain? who’s the most powerful highest up person here?

this might be a problem with tom clancy. just throwing in confusing details without explaining anything, without even really caring.

the movie is great in parts and has a ridiculously strong cast, sam neill, tim damn curry, even a young stellan skarsgard!! but it has other parts that fail to impress the mature man of the world. like theyre just jerking off and bullshitting here.

the implication is that the russians are speaking russian the whole time. this is why they start out speaking russian and then after about 10 minutes they start speaking english. i never understood that when I was young. But it makes sense now that I am older. and I found it pretty reasonable unlike other parts of the movie.

i guess if  ever get a call for an interview I will go to damn thrift store and look for a somewhat presentable jacket. the one I have now isn’t BAD…..I just feel like its a bad luck charm. it is dark gray and I would prefer blue or lighter gray. also I should get a different tie.

5 dollars for a damn pdf. well at least I dont have to do that again. this is because a City Govt requested proof of associates degree or higher for blabla program assistant job. today I learned you can have OFFICIAL transcripts as a pdf. not just unofficial. So now I have OFFICIAL pdfs of all my transcripts for future use. That is a good thing.

I hope I didnt scare the mutual friend too much with my long email. I will not send any more long emails! But I did want to VENT to them and tell them the full story, and I believe I have. I mean its not a short story!

http://mentalfloss.com/article/64931/14-deep-facts-about-hunt-red-october

interesting but I’m looking for something a bit more critical and sense-making

http://www.moviemistakes.com/film636

pretty in depth and probably would have mentioned a severe technical error. didnt mention anything I was expecting. maybe the movie is pretty factual.

but why the fook couldnt sonar or radar see or hear a sub behind you? all the crazy ivans? why? when CAN you see or hear a sub in your area? within how many degrees of being At Your 6? what if they are at your 7????? can you see them then????

this has to be a Known Issue, otherwise, in my uneducated opinion, that page would mentioned it. I mean tom clancy SHOULD know, and the navy people they consulted with, but I dont trust them to reveal basic knowledge about subs that would not be obvious at all for the layman. cuz thats whats so obvious to me. i might have missed a line in the movie. I came in about 20 minutes in and my mind was wandering and the commercials were excruciating.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baffles_(submarine)

heheheh I finally found the article I was looking for. It only took 2 hours. well I probably could have done it in 20 minutes if I werent multitasking hahahaha.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sonar

read, understand, and now fix the sonar technician’s sonar problem. don’t ask me for help. figure it out. that’s your job. hahahaha. fix it quickly. get him off the phone. we have more people like him to service.

i am just mad HER and other normies can handle their jobs without breaking down. fooking normies. they make the difficult look so damn easy. then i get resentful because they “dont want to help me, dont want to share their secret information, they keep it in their normie clique.”

we used to be on the same team! I used to be able to trust you!!!! you changed more than I did!!!! hahahaha

and THIS is the woman I got along with better than any other woman ever. ABSOLUTELY UNBELIEVABLE.

yeah they tell you theres no such thing as a stupid question……..

but in the WORKING world, EVERY question you have related to your job is a stupid question, or at least an annoying and wasteful question which is slowing down your whole department. so DONT MAKE MISTAKES, and DONT ASK QUESTIONS, MORON.

well how do I figure out how to do my job then?

ITS CALLED INITIATIVE. SHOW SOME. FIGURE IT OUT. you said you were a go getter and self-starter. prove it.

when I was young I never even imagined this aspect of jobs. I thought jobs were simply long and boring at their worst. boy was I wrong! I never knew how uncertainty and doubt and confusion could destroy your mind even worse! combined with pressure to do things FAST, do things RIGHT, and explain this, and deliver this unexplainable bad news, with no help.

Drowning. not only is drowning bad, but its SCARY as fook!!!!!! it MORE that just SUCKS! its TERRIFYING as well!!!

I wish I was able to deal with that terror!

tried doing 3 miles straight of slow jogging yesterday. was able to do it and could prob do more. did not feel totally worn out and tired. although i slept pretty good. i dont think it would be enough to clear the mind after a hard days work though.  need higher speed or longer distance. I would rather do longer distance. might have to try 4 miles hahahaha. definitely got past my plateau and am continuing to lose weight tho, so thats good. have lost 17.6 pounds since jan 1.  18 pounds in…..16 weeks hahahaha.

when you love someone and want to spend a long time monogamously with them, its disgusting and infuriating to know they are being a SLUT with other men, giving dat pvssy up to many other men, quickly and easily, when she had no attraction to you whatsoever, and wouldnt give it to you if you paid her 1000000 dollars.

why cant normies understand this. i always have to NEETSPLAIN everything to normies hahaha.

its not that hard! i cant believe normies dont get this! just like I cant believe women constantly need such mansplaining! i wish i didnt HAVE to mansplain or neetsplain! this is EASY MODE common sense! not even the harder common sense, but actual common common COMMON sense!!!!!

women can get pregnant, men can’t!!!!

having your heart broken hurts a LOT for a LONG time and takes a LONG time to get over and you shouldnt FOOK other people during that time of grief and processing!!!

what I wanted to say is that when you LUV someone, it’s FUN to be with them. Being with them motivates you. It’s more than hedonistic sensualist fun, it’s good clean wholesome god-loving innocent loving fun.

It may be kinda fun to hang out with friends. but its REALLY REALLY fun to hang out with the person you LUV. you get REALLY EXCITED about it. You can have a bad day and they walk in and its a ray of sunshine and you forget all your worries.

thats something your regular friends can’t accomplish.

its REALLY HARD to install the SPELLCHECKER for Notepad++.

I luv notepad++ because obviously plain txt files are best ways to type and create stuff. then you just copy and paste them to word or pdfs or wherever. it is a small fast program and you can open 50 documents at once in tabs, which is YUGE.  but I would LUV for it to have a spellcheck. it does have a plugin, but its fookin impossible to install. because you have install other GNU plugins and shit that only Computer Science Engineers know how to do.  I mean the average woman making 15 DAH, this is gonna be WAY over their head. Shit I need somebody to mansplain it to me.

i needed somebody to mansplain the stupid articles at my job!

thats all it was. you know how technical manuals are never written in plain english and are frustrating as fook? often missing information? giving no understanding of the process? well that was our main resource on fixing problems. read this fooking confusing, incomplete bullshit, understand it, and use it to fix their weird shit.

I say just make mistakes. make mistakes until they fooking FIRE you.

protip: some people make mistakes ALL THE TIME and DONT get fired. If you keep a somewhat decent attitude, you can make 1000000000 mistakes a day and not get fired. just have to find a way to live with being scolded all the time for your mistakes. oh well. dont take it personally.

IF YOURE NOT GETTING OFFICIALLY WRITTEN UP…………….IT DOESNT MATTER!!!!

and then companies will have very clear policies. like three official write ups equals termination or something.  and they will TELL you when you are getting written up. They will GIVE you a letter. There is lots of ambiguity in the world, but not on that.  when you get an official warning, you will know it.

if you don’t, well the company doesnt deserve you then. fook them. quit that shit without a new job lined up hahaha.

I never got officially written up. But I saw other people getting official write ups. I went in to use the printer and there was write ups for people which the manager forgot to pick up, hahaha. im just grateful i didnt get written up for printing work related stuff , but which was a non-actionable non deliverable hahaha. It was not a directly cost cutting related printout in other words.

Shit I’ll buy my own REAMS of paper if they’d let me. I bought my own pens and notepads and post it notes! whereas NORMIES STEAL that shit from the office and bring them HOME! I bought my OWN at the store and brought them TO the office! Sometimes I GAVE other people post it notes!!!! I gave HER post it notes all the time!!!!!

applied for 4 county jobs. I am lucky they even HAD 4 full time jobs OPEN! but the county is a large employer of the county’s residents. like 1000 employees!!!!! one of the few places where you can get a 14 DAH entry level job with health care and 401k!

Us millennials think a 401 k is so great, when the god damn baby boomers were getting PENSIONS!!!!!!!!! hahaha.

also 401k’s are SHITTY. In a financial emergency, your 401k will DISAPPEAR. I almost wonder if its SAFER to put your money in a regular savings account and make .00000001% interest. Rather than risk THE WHOLE THING to get like 3% a year.  I mean its not like we’re not headed for collapse!!!!!

it seems kinda STUPID to use a 401k! the WHOLE THING could be wiped out!

so what’s the smart alternative?

physical gold which you guard at home with many gunz, of coursh!!!!!

many sons and lots of guns, hahahaha. your sons can guard your gold with guns while you are off prostituting yourself for the god damn j00z, hahahahaha.

oh wewlad i got an appointment to take the damn post office test already. I applied for a city carrier Position (just call them JOBS.wav) and then quickly got an email to take a test! usually the test is all full up. i never took the actual test before. anyway they had an online portion i could take right now and had to take within 3 days. took that right away. 150 questions, 90 minutes to complete. bunch of personality shit. the psi inc company.

i was dishonest and distorted even though it said doing that would not be in my best interest.

hahahaha watch they stick me in the most stressful job because my test results said I LOVE stress. well then Ill just quit again hahahaha.

i wonder if blacks handle job stress better than whites. the blacks will just say fug u mufugga bix nood and be surly and shitty, while whites get flustered and crazy and Worried. whites really want to do a good job, blacks dont care, and will do shoddy quality if it means not worrying. don worry be happy mon.

but yeah. damn. my life was better with her in it. she added a lot of positives to my life. she was a lot of fun and she built me up and made me strong just by being around.  well when she became distant, then being around her made me weak and worried and weak. and overall she was a net negative and i wish i never met her…..because she did add so much “value.” YUGE value-add with her. and her leaving has left a YUGE void which I don’t know how to fill. well i have to learn how to live with the void. love the void hahaha.

normally the person doing the dumping also gives SYMPATHY to the person they’re dumping.

to be dumped with no sympathy is ROUGH. it would hurt a NORMIE, and devastate a low confidence neet loser! also also make you think you did something TERRIBLE to be treated that way!

but she was set up to fail, she had no father to teach her how to dump a guy.

but mothers can do that do! her single mother was actually pretty good and taught her how to be a nice gurl and not a huge slut.

yeah well she didnt teach her how to dump a guy hahahahaha.

ps i got the notepad++ spellchecker working using the following method:

https://notepad-plus-plus.org/community/topic/6966/spell-checker-plugin-issue-with-v6-8-1-missing-gnu-aspell-and-or-dictionaries/2

KEEP YOUR PVSSY IN YOUR PANTS, SLUT!!!!

YOU CAN GET PREGNANT, MORON!!!!!

SEX ISNT SUPPOSED TO BE CASUAL!!!! ESPECIALLY NOT FOR WOMEN!!!!!!

sorry sometimes I just have to explode with butthurt mansplaining.

but not all mansplaining is butthurt. men LIKE feeling smart. maybe women PLAY DUMB to stroke mens ego, to make them feel smart.

or they play dumb to see how dumb the man thinks they are.

god damn dumb btich. ever think its part of the provider and protector role? that its similar to the chivalrous good feels men get from helping or protecting women? similar thing with mansplaining. its BENEVOLENT in other words. benign.

i guess sometimes its less benign. lets say its 66 good and 33 bad.

i mean ive done both. I felt good and strong and kind when I sometimes mansplained things to That Woman. other times I was frustrated like you fooking MORON how can you BE so Dense!!!!!! I’m not a fookin GENIUS, how dumb are YOU?

also its stupid that women PLAY DUMB just to break your balls and shit test you like that. they’re TRYING To make you mad. they dont LIKE to make you mad, and it sure doesnt turn them on or like you more! its a shit test! they’re trying to make you mad, so if you get mad, they can reject you!

therefore, since mansplaining can be good or bad depending on the situation, so can women playing dumb be good or bad. sometimes they do it to invite good mansplaining to make you feel strong. that means they like you. sometimes they play dumb to shit test you and if you mansplain angrily then you fail the test and the poosy SNAPS SHUT. and they will never admit to this because they’re not even aware of it. they honestly dont think its true. their own natures are hidden to themselves. this is adaptive for some reason. probably similar to how other things like Ovulation and The Womb are CONCEALED. Its just a by product of the uterus and the power it holds. you cant hate them for it.

but you CAN get sad then they dump you brutally, because because dumped brutally hurts INHERENTLY, i dont care WHO you are.

 

 

 

 

I GOT A RIGHT TO BE MYSELF, AND U CAN GO FOOK YOURSELF

apr 13

heh. waiting to go to stupid drug test. Stupidly I expelled 100% of muh waking up in the morning urine when I should have held back, but I needed muh instant gratification! now I am waiting for the 2nd urination and usually I drink a decent amount of coffee right now, but not today, because I am trying not to Dilute. they dont give you any advice on how not to dilute. but I know how possible it is. the best solution is to use the early in the morning urine. I mean I am a person who drinks a lot of  water and a lot of coffee.

technically i CAN still do it tomorrow, but I wanted to do it toDAY.

shit i really should do it tomorrow. just save some Yorine and do it first thing tomorrow.

not sure how i did this when i had to do this every week…..

ok i officially decided to do it tommorow. I just had a good coffee pee but that might have been “DILUTE”.

I wrote a pretty good email to the Mutual Friend. Got a little long winded OF COURSHE!!! but not too bad.

honestly I dont think That Woman talked to the mutual friend at ALL, either about me or just in general.

I suspect That Woman might have cut the mutual friend out of her life same as she did with me. and now mutual friend sees all the evidence of her fun new life and fun new friends and fun new boifrans and fook buddies and polyamorous fooks on facebook, cuz im sure mutual friend was not blocked like i was.

It may be my “fault” that that woman cut off the mutual friend. because she associated mutual friend with ME.

well thats not my problem, not my responsibility!!!!!! I dont even feel even a LITTLE bit guilty abotu that!

now mutual friend can be a little bit more cool and distant like “oh i guess she’s too COOL for me now that she has cooler, younger, sexier new friends”. i unfort had a LOT more at stake. it wasnt just a friend turning their back on me. it was a friend i had fallen DEEPLY in luv with and wanted to spend the rest of muh life with and have chirren with.

no i never told her all THAT, I didnt want her to know how DEEPLY I was in luv with her. maybe she figured it out and that’s why she was so scared. because even her long term boifran never luved her that much. she didnt think she was worthy of luv. so now she goes and fooks lotsa guys. thats easier. less serious. because fooking isnt serious. good lord.

i just hate she can FORGET ME so EASILY. Because it means I was not important to her, not valuable, not special. And I thought I was.

she didnt HAVE to return my feelings. I wasnt EXPECTING her to. I was EXPECTING her to DIGNIFY our LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP by showing me a TINY bit of SYMPATHY when she ended it, and not throw me away like a piece of garbage. that’s ALL. that’s the ONLY expectation I had. all you fookin assholes think I feel ENTITLED to a life of luv with her. NO. NOT AT ALL. WRONG. WRONG. YOUR WRONG, ASS HOLE.

just say im sorry, not because you did anything wrong, but you are showing sympathy for someone who is hurt. like when you say im sorry when you hear somebodys loved one died. its a POLITE show of SYMPATHY.

of course its complicated. even though you technically did nothing wrong…..you are still sort of the cause of their sadness. cuz you rejected them. but I understand you cant make someone Luv you.

I tried to tell her that, but she wouldnt listen ahahaha

she had kicked other people out of her life before…..for very good reasons! like they treated her bad, or they were pathetic drug addicts, bad influences. I wanted to be a good influence on her, like she was on me.

turns out I was no better than a bad influence cheater drug addict.

it is VERY painful when someone is a good influence on you, and you are a bad influence on them, and they want you out of their life.

But I am glad the mutual friend contacted me, and glad to give them My Side Of The Story. even if That Woman had never said a word to them.

anyway the mutual friend is a very very nice person who That Woman liked. there was NO REASON to cut the mutual friend out of life, UNLESS I was the reason. stupid.  I wont take responsibility for that. And I wont take responsibility for the way SHE reacts to MY feelings ESPECIALLY when shes not willing to communicate about the situation AT ALL, WHATSOEVER, NOT EVEN A SINGLE WORD.

I am still angry hahaha. I was doing a voice recording yesterday and was shouting about her being a FOOKING WHORE, SUCKING AND FOOKIN COX, because she’s TOO COOL to talk to me, but LOVES taking the new exciting COX. She luvs becoming a sleazebag. its stupid to be a good woman. it’s better being a SLEAZEBAG like the new guys you FOOK PROMISCUOUSLY. not afraid to talk to THEM!!!!!

that sort of thing.

applied for the university job. 40 grand a year? NOT GONNA HAPPEN hahahaha. this is “level 3”. I would be very happy with a level 1 making….26 grand a year. this is totally out of my league. i dont have a masters degree, and more importantly, i am a job hopping emotional basket case hahahaha. sane, decent women run in the other direction when they see me because they know i am bad news hahahaha.

well. see. That Woman abandoning the mutual friend is just shitty. I have a MUCH easier time saying “yep, that is DEFINITELY not my fault, that’s all on HER” towards that dumping, than when she dumped me. that i agonized over. This dumping of the mut friend, i can confidently say, well thats shitty of that person. SHAME on her. She’s not as good of a person as I thought she was. Have a LITTLE backbone. have a LITTLE courage. dont throw away TWO good people that never deserved to be thrown away. for new fun chads to fook. she SHOULD feel GUILT for this. and she will use that guilt to fook dudes hahaha and never do the right thing. so in a way, I pushed her to become a bad person hahahaha.

no no i am being sarcastic.

Anyway I am happy to talk to this mutual friend. that is a step forward for me I think.

so I thank GOD for that. cuz I was not really chomping at the bit to initiate contact with the mutual friend myself.

anyway. if I did this to a person, I wouldnt be able to live with myself. I would go crazy with guilt. wouldnt be able to sleep at night. Eventually I would have done SOMETHING. probably sent them a long email hahahaha or even a letter. Hey I gave her my address like 3 times just in case hahahaha.

did a nice 1000 calorieer.

i thought DAMN i was STUPID for falling so HARD for her. ok it didnt happen TOO FAST, but when it happened, it happened. also, if i could KEEP myself from getting feelings for her while she was with her BF, how come I couldnt KEEP myself from getting feelings when she was NOT with her BF????!!??!?!?!

Well because I didnt want to, for one. I thought there was a slim chance things could work out.

Also I think once you get the feelings…..you can’t roll them back. that is a one way process. no turning back. permanent.

basically i STILL got feelings TOO FAST and TOO STRONG and not cautiously/carefully enough. fools rush in hahahaha.

well, i also had stronger feelings for her than I even realized.  and that probably made her very scared. of COURSHE she didnt want to deal with that.

but yeah doesnt help me. I hate getting such STRONG feelings for women. it’s good to get that for your WIFE, but NOT someone who doesn’t luv you back! otherwise it takes at LEAST TWO YEARS to get over.

I mean I am starting to get over it after 9 months. But I still want her, and I have no interest in other women, cant even IMAGINE getting FEELINGS for other women.  I figure that will take at LEAST another 9 months.

I mean I would like to have a wife and I would like to luv her just as much as I luved this woman hahaha.

I mean really. who wants to marry somebody where you loved somebody ELSE more? it seems very wrong and fooking STUPID.

but I wish I had been able to control myself more, and not have the feelings get so STRONG. Like controlled myself and said, well, lets wait until SHE shows some feelings for ME before I go OVERBOARD here.

But I think I was encouraged by her sweetness and niceness to me. and the fact that we had been friends for a long time.

this was a NEW experience for me. getting feelings for a friend after 2 years had passed. Totally new territory for me. and I am SURE that made my feelings deeper and stronger, and made the eventual pain all the more worse too.

it wasnt fair to tell her “I AM RIDICULOUSLY IN LUV WITH YOU” I just told her I had feelings but downplayed how strong they were. cuz it prob is scary to have someone be STRONGLY in luv with you.

more importantly, why do I fall in luv so STRONGLY with people who dont luv me?

kind of a pattern hahaha.

Well it doesnt happen ALL THE TIME. just once every 3 or 4 years.

and i argue this doesnt fit the PATTERN at all. i JUST SAID, this was something COMPLETELY NEW.

Also, I really WANTED the women to return the feelings, to have feelings for me. It’s not like I was Choosing Unavailable Women. I was seriously hoping she would BE available!!!!!

I am thankful to the LORD for my recent interest in the Hip New Band Deafheaven. I usually have no interest in new music. Now it’s more curiosity than interest, but I will take it.  I am drawn to the controversy. They ruffle the feathers of the more closed-minded metal fans………but they are also really really really hipster and faggy. They are probably THE most hipster metal band I have ever seen.

I hate hipsters but I also think SOME metal closed=mindedness is amusing. but some of it is good! nothing wrong with being conservative and traidtional!!!! I hate “progressive” shit!

But metal is largely degenerate.

now deafheaven are probably degenerates too, having casual sex, drinking and smoking mj and god knows what other drugs.

so I might lose this curiosity soon, but I will enjoy it somewhat while it lasts. its not easy to enjoy music, like I said. hard to enjoy anything!

I like black metal and I like metal that was considered someone kind of progressive or out of the box……but in the 90s. I lost track of metal around 2002 and then soon after a lot of super progressive evolution happened. Have been catching up on the more interesting bits for the past few years.  I mean metal has been hipsterish since like 2008 or 2007, hahaha. the existence of deafheaven is not surprising given this trajectory.

so yeah its super faggy unmasculine emotional girly feminine black metal. in the past that would mean it was “gothic” and “symphonic.” bbbbbbut this stuff is surpirsingly heavy, good heavy sound, and more blast beats than i expected! I am a sucker for blast beats and I was pleasantly surprised how much deafheaven uses them. good for them. that’s probably the crux of the issue right there.  until recently, it took “balls” to cross the blast beat rubicon. one could say deafheaven contradicts that. faggy AND blast beats! so it really might be the perfect thing for me. since I am kinda faggy, but I also like the masculine intensity of blast beats.

i mean i had strong feelings for woman 2012 too. and it sucked to get dumped by her. but it sucked way less. and my life didnt fall apart. but I think my feelings just werent AS strong there. for woman2015 the feelings were possibly the STRONGEST they have even been for ANY woman ever. and the pain greater than ever. plus it was a complicated, shitty situation. totally unique. i couldnt really have prepared for it. nothing I had ever experienced had prepared me for this.

omg i forgot about this comment, classic set of comments on this video::

Ronald Clingerman8 months ago
i listen to this when i jack off

Reply2
Ronald Clingerman8 months ago
+Ronald Clingerman me too

Reply5
Aegianlulz3 months ago
+Ronald Clingerman Wanna jack off together?

ok you really gotta see the screen for the full effect:

2016-04-13_19h06_48

If I could upboat Aegianlulz 6000000 times i would. and the god damn jimmie rustling gorilla. such a classic comment.

but yeah great album here too. Of course I have been in a peter steele / type o phase, and of course I enjoy their debut album a lot, but I came to carnivore late in life, but I took to them very naturally and enthusiastically. definitely a band I should have listened to when I was young. I remember seeing their cd all the time when I used to get cd’s and I thought oh thats the guy from type o negative…..but I never got the cd. I wasted so much money on stupid cd’s. I am of that age. I really should have got that carnivore cd, but I think at that time, the social group had decided that peter steele was faggy. because at that time, type o was going supergoth. I was SO concerned what other people would think of me! so immature and weak.

but yeah carnivore is AWESOME. just AWESOME. slightly degenerate but very forgiveable. dripping with pure testosterone. EXACTLY what most of us need!

listen to this album EVERY DAY while LIFTING or at least doing a brisk jog hahaha.

then you can listen to faggy deafheaven.

i always forget about mother fookin CARNIVORE.

I dont like much music, but I have total respect for CARNIVORE.

what did i learn.

if i ever have a female friend again, and I start falling in love with her, tell her directly as soon as possible. period. full stop. we need to TALK. NOW. NOW.  because a mere 10 months of that will be enough to ruin your life hahahaha. and it will take you a lot MORE than 10 months to bounce back. damn son.

I NEVER SAID “IM INSANELY IN LUV WITH YOU, LETS GET MARRIED, I CANT LIVE WITHOUT YOU!!!!”

I tried to be more classy than that.

And I never stalked or harrassed her.

so i want a damn cookie for that? NORMAL people dont do any of that anyway!

Well I guess I want to convince myself I am normal I suppose.

normies get heartbroken too!!!!

normies, tell me your stories of heartbreak!

i just wanted to do everything RIGHT and not be a psycho creepy weirdo niceguy stalker!!!!!!

I think I avoided the biggest pitfalls pretty WELL actually!!!!!

I wasnt perfect but its hard to be at the top of your game when you are HEARTBROKEN!!!!!

I really did pretty good CONSIDERING.

And I didnt do all the worst creepy psycho stalker niceguy shit that I was afraid I might do!

hahaha. i would rather ruin my own LIFE, that do any of that shit.

well I sure did hahaha.

Now I just walk at 15% inclines and listen to CARNIVORE and cant even find women attractive any more, want nthing to do with women, and worship peter steele when he says “IF YOU CANT EAT IT OR FOOK IT……KILL IT!!!!!” and “I GOT A RIGHT TO BE MYSELF, AND YOU CAN GO FOOK YOURSELF!!!! SUCK!!! MY!!!! DIKK!!!! SUCKMYDIKK!!!!!”

when the butthurt boils over into pure rage. this is why peter steele is such a mensch. a great goy he was. and a POLE!!!!!!

(in an interview he said “I’m bipolar, AND bipolack.”)

Poor Peter. He should ahve just taken some lithium and married a nice gurl and quit drugs and alcohol cold turkey and had some nice white children.

8 months today since i last contacted her (email4).

april 14

ok did the Urine test, no known unknowns there, nto sure about unknown unknowns because i am not a drug testing EXPERT. or SME.

Interview Talking Point:

I do not have direct supervisory experience, but as a more senior funjob staff member, I was entrusted with training and mentoring newer employees, and was skilled in training them in best practices. I enthusiastically took a similar role at call center, providing guidance and technical advice to newer employees in a very information-intensive environment, many of which expressed vocal appreciation for the knowledge and help.

I make decisions autonomously and quickly when needed, and take ownership over my projects and decisions, following through with clients to make sure issues are fully resolved. I do not require “hand-holding” and am skilled at working independently, with minimal supervision or guidance. I am skilled at meeting deadlines and strict quality metrics. I do self-training and independent research to stay current in job-related knowledge. I am very conscious of fellow team members’ own priorities and time management. I always aim to make the most productive use of my time and the department’s time.

I am good at thinking creatively and thinking of unknown unknowns, for example if I am meeting with an SME and they offer me limited information. I ask them probing questions to help them remember additional potentially useful information for me. I imagine potential roadblocks, risks, and pitfalls and ask about them beforehand, so I am equipped to handle them when they arise. In doing this, hopefully the SME will remember other unknown unknown pitfalls which I haven’t yet imagined or encountered, but they have.

END

yeah. yesterday I was EMBARRASSED that I had LOST CONTROL so much, htat I ahd gone so CRAZY, that I felt so STRONGLY, and couldnt control my RIDICULOUS strong emotions, and totally broke down. couldnt handle LIFE because of my strong, crazy, uncontrollable emotions. how could I let it go so wrong. its shameful, i was ashamed and embarrassed!!!!

how could I do this to myself over a WOMAN????!?!?!?!?!?!

its embarrassing!!!! its a sign of total weakness, which is unattractive to everybody! jobs, friends, women!

when you laugh the world laughs with you, when you cry, you cry alone hahahaha.

kinda sucks that you go thru your hardest times alone and whenever you try to Vent to someone, they think you want people to feel sorry for you, hahahaha.

no i dont want people to FEEL SORRY for me, but I DO want a LITTLE sympathy!!!!!!

I just wrote a second rambling long email to the mutual friend! I dont want to make a habit out of it. two strikes is enough. I am essentially using mutual friend as a PROXY for everything I couldnt say to That Woman. Because mutual friend is more wlling to listen and hear. I mentioned this. I just wanted to be HEARD, but I didnt even know if That Woman ever read my emails.

I just wanted to be HEARD! LISTEN TO ME!!

Is that too much to ask?

I dont think so!!!!

but yeah I cant ask her to be courageous. And I was being scary. I was scaring myself!

but if she responded to my 900000000000000000000000 words of emails with “k” would that be enough to “be heard?” I dunno.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/alexalvarez/kk-bb#.cjZmLvbvp

also shes so young and girly and millennial that she sometimes said “kk” instead of “ok” and i found that annoying at first, then horrifying. I thought it signalled detachment, annoyance, and distance from her, and i hated that i was doing that to her.

but actually kk is far less sinister than that! i read too much into it! but because of that ambiguity, and its faginess, i will never use it.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/ryanhatesthis/ironic-misogyny-is-a-very-dangerous-game#.xcWJwPrPV

god damn buzzfeed is such god damn degenerate trash.

misogyny? from the guy who responded to this idiot bitch? you know exactly how she’s gonna troll as soon as you read the tweet. AND I thought it would be a long drawn out thing! this is hardly a “MASTER CLASS IN TROLLING.” or “shining a light on everyday misogyny.” the guy was smart and didnt take the bait after “what do you mean”. if he had responded like a butthurt fedora virgin and they went back and forth 90000 times, that would be a master class in trolling. of course its a faggy MAN writing this article! FOOK buzzfeed!

when you present yourself as a fooking IDIOT, it is any WONDER men start mansplaining to you??!?!?!?!

Its hard NOT to mansplain when women are THAT fooking STUPID! so they’re FAKING it to massage men’s egos? I’d rather they didnt! Cuz I don’t WANT to think women are THAT dumb! OR deceptive!

this goddamn commercial with the animals in the office. instant messaging all the members of their TEAM. great job team. good ideas team. thanks for the feedback team. kk team. hate this team bullshit.

my favorite OBVIOUSLY is the SLOTH who takes ALL DAY to SLooooooowwwwllllyyy type the one message “great job team!” That was some truly creative thinking right there, give that person a bonus.

My IT Recruiter apparently doesnt know how to do Blind Carbon Copies, and one of the Blacks she sent the mass message to doesn’t know how to use reply vs reply all, hahahaha.

well maybe they do, and they both screwed up just once. I screwed up all the time and looked like an idiot all the time, where I just wanted to cry and say  “IM NOT THIS STUPID!!! I SWEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!” but no one would believe me.

well the recruiter has done it twice though.

and how do you find out about blind carbon copy unless somebody SHOWS you?

you think outside of the box and say “what if.” is there a way to send emails without everyone seeing everyone elses address? then search google in your free time, and find that BCC is a way to do this. I think. I’m not even sure that it is.

https://blogs.office.com/2012/03/23/5-tips-on-using-bcc-in-outlook-email/#8Lfd5AleLEqHDxEH.97

this simple article probably could have prevented the problem she is having which she is not even aware of hahaha.

i guarantee a more senior person in the office would NOT train her on this. she has to think of it on her own initiative. and she clearly does not have that kind of obsessive compulsive curiosity hahahaha.

I dunno. Some initiative is reasonable, but some is just too much. then you start asking Dumb Questions in your groping for Unknown Unknowns. but you can’t ask questions to people at your job, that’s time wasting and your dum. so you try to research these questions on your own. and hope you can find information on the internet to clearly answer them for you.

the obvious answer is to pay a consultant/expert/SME OUTSIDE of your work to train you and teach you. but again they can’t teach you things about your job or its policies. they could very well give you a good big picture which will help you though. so go spend entire paychex on an outside consultant to train you for your job. because you dont want to look like an idiot and get fired by your own company.

HOW DO NORMIES DO THIS? why are there no articles on the whole internet about this?

because normies dont do it like this!

how do you toughen up?

go through tons of hard shit?

I have gone through hard shit but it seems to make me WEAKER. what doesnt kill me makes me WEAKER.

do you visualize real tough unpleasant stuff till you get desensitized to it?

I have seen shock vidyas that would give most normies ptsd!!!  stuff like 3 guys 1 hammer, which about 4 or 5 years ago taught me, i dont WANT to see stuff like this any more. this is HORRIBLE. Whatever curiosity i had in shock videos was OVER. thank GOD. then recently I saw an animal crush/torture video on accident and I was horrified for like 2 straight days.

you dont need to watch animal crush videos over and over again to desensitize yourself to tuff stuff! in fact, that will do much more harm than good! much more!

ok so horrible real violence videos do not work either.

honestly, the best I have for you is to LIFT. lift heavy weights until your body is EXHAUSTED and they have to CARRY you out of the gym.

also running a marathon maybe. 26 miles.

I do have respect for Endurance. whats the point of sprinting 100 meters when you cant even run a mile.

Before, the idea of running a mile seemed impossible. I can do it now quite easily. WELL, its not RUNNING, its actually jogging VERY slowly, at 4.5 mph hahahahaha. thats not even JOGGING. REAL tough guys would RUN at 10+ mph.

but I would rather slow jog at 4.5 for 1 or 1.5 miles. yesterday i said 1 mile wasnt enough, lets do 1.5. that was better. I think 2 miles is gonna be the minimum to Become Tough and Reduce Stress and Anxiety and Worry.

you think SHE watches animal torture videos to Get Tuff for doing HER job? fook no! she would be scarred for life! or any of the people working there! shit! I was scarred for life a little bit just seeing 10 seconds of it!

there was this other horrible thing called “dissection chan” where a morgue worker got a pretty young dead girl one day, and cut her up and disemboweled her in a very wanton over the top way, and took pictures of his gruesome artwork and put them on the internet. yep I saw those too. never again! i think he was quite rightfully convicted of corpse desecration or something like that. at least that is still a crime hahaha.

love and loss. is it really better to have loved and lost than never loved at all? i mean its nice to know i was capable of luv. sure thats nice. but overall i dont think its worth it. so im capable of love. well now that capability is DESTROYED. I can never luv again. this is it. she was the last one. I will never find a woman better than her.

of course, i’ve said that every single time!

and i think that getting a real gf and having a real rel is some MAGICAL thing, when they say it really isn’t.

what do you mean it isn’t???!?!?!?!

well then I want to try to prove or disprove that. give me a god damn chance to prove or disprove it. yes I KNOW it cant FIX you internally. but I have a hypothesis that it can HELP A LOT!!!!!!!!!

if I had gotten with her, it would have HELPED A LOT!!!!!

she was a big motivator for me. just seeing her and being with her and talking to her and spending time with her was a BIG FOOKIN MOTIVATOR that I couldnt GET anywhere else. Not making 15 DAH, not in Exercising or slow jogging 2 miles!!!! not in music.

the closest I could get is MJ, and White Nationalism, hahahahahaha. And MJ is degenerate.