aug 1

shit i was so triggered by that stupid xkcd friends comic that i lost sleep thinking i was that guy with her, and thats why she hates me, and i am a horrible person who did a horrible thing. a dishonest liar coward.

and if im defending myself, then its probably because i see myself in the character no?

well lemme state that i agree that nice guys tm as they are presented are shitty and horrible and anybody who REALLY does this should feel ashamed. but i just dont thing these things happen this way!

these nice guy haters NEVER address the questions of: how can you hide your feelings so well for so long?

even though it IS the responsibility of the person with feeligns to express those feelings, why cant the woman say, something feels WEIRD here, it feels like you are starting to get feelings for me. why doesnt that ever happen?

because usually EVERYONE CAN TELL the guy is in luv with the gurl. his friends know, everyone knows, why doesnt the WOMAN have even the LEAST suspicion?

does the guy deny to himself and to everyone that he has feelings for her?

whats wrong about a friendship that grows into something deeper? what if youre still getting over someone else? what if you dont like fooking people right away?

why does the woman have to date SO MANY GUYS and Fook them? why is she such a damn slut with a revolving door of badbois? She has SOME responsibility for PICKING these “jerks.”

i wanted a damn attorney to argue my case that I was NOT a NICEGUYtm.

  1. i wasnt trying to HIDE shit. I was TRYING to talk about it and get it out in the open.
  2. i wasnt “settling” for friendship as a “consolation prize.”
  3. my feelings CHANGED in the MIDDLE of the friendship.
  4. i wanted her to STAY with her “jerk” original BF. I didnt think he was a jerk per se and I encouraged her to make an EFFORT with him.
  5. i CHANGED entirely once I began liking her and she totally noticed the difference in my behavior and thought it was weird.
  6.  i DID respect her.
  7.  i DID value the friendship. but i was willing to sacrifice it all for the TRUTH to come out.

anyway i AGREE with the author that being That Guy is WRONG, but i dont think theres so many nerdy men out there doing this.

when you get FEELINGS for someone, its an IMPORTANT thing, its not like some woman fooking 9000 badboys. you have REAL feelings, and you get nervous, and confused, and scared, and mentally and emotionally compromised. you dont make the best decisions about how to handle things.

like getting nervous at a job interview like i have tomorrow and thursday hahaha. you dont say things super confidently like trumpenfuhrer.

heh. the author of xkcd is younger than me. not that i am YOUNG! but i used to be young. in skool, i was used to being the youngest one in my class.

also, he was a successful nerd who went on to have a GREAT career, and have GFs, and write a comic that thousands of people liked and allowed him to quit his GREAT NASA scientist job. why would you quit that?

so yeah i hate thinking i was LIKE THAT.  I KNOW being like that is WRONG. I never WANT to be like that. but I did act so well either. I SCARED ok? its not EASY to blurt out to somebody that you luv them! so i tried to figure out other ways of doing it! and that wasted a lot of time.

but she could have hung out with me once, like the xkcd gurl HUNG OUT with the cueball guy. she wasnt avoiding him like the plague because she thought he liked her hahaha.

also he stops being a bad niceguy the second she consents to a relationship with him! nobody ever points this out!

oh but he was manipulating her in a moment of weakness and loneliness.

well shit, arent our whole LIVES moments of weakness and loneliness????

i was lonely but that doesnt mean i settled for her out of loneliness!

and why didnt she just dump him like 2 days after they fooked and said yeah i was drunk, we shouldnt do this?

the woman gets into a new relationship every month, the man hasnt been in a rel in 10 years. of COURSE he’s gonna be rusty and AWKWARD and nervous and be the antithesis of SMOOTH!

dont accuse someone of lying and scheming and deceiving when really they are just awkward and scared to say “i like u”. cant you tell from the way they act around you that they like you? them texting you all the time with smileys and hearts and them wanting to hang out and buy you dinner and walk in the park and all that?

don’t these niceguys do that?

how are these niceguys hiding their feelings? or are the women just that bad at reading obvious signals? i don’t doubt that either.  like we said before, women are notoriously bad at relationships and communication. just godawful at these things. if relships were a meritocracy for women, the species would go extinct. because they are all incompetent at the WORK and ACTION that needs to be done to build and maintain relationships. you do all the work for them cuz you cant make babies without them. but they dont know that hahaha. they dont know ANYTHING hahaha.

i wasnt perfect, i made some mistakes, but i was NOT a niceguytm like that comic portrays!

it hits close to home because i have stuff in common with niceguytms and worry that i might be confused for one. well im not, and i will be the first to tell you i hate women and i am not a nice guy hahahaha. just a hateful woman hater. i dont LIKE it, but they just give me SO MUCH to HATE hahahahaha. stop being so god damn hatable! Be Better! Do Better!

and i especially hate thinking that SHE thought I was like that! but i dont know for sure if she thought that.

had 2 more recruiters call me today. i think its MONSTER. every time you upload a new resume, it automatically gets set to public. i uploaded one a few days ago. i guess i forgot about that.

i mean i wouldnt want to be a recruiter either. calling 40 people a day. how can you even juggle that many people? i just cant juggle that many people. but i guess you’re SUPPOSED to if you want a job. and you have to have a job. no wonder women can JUGGLE SO MANY men. you just have SUPER shallow “relships” with them all.

SUPER shallow. quantity not quality. r not K.

yes i care what people think about me. not all people, but the people i care about. i care if they have the completely wrong idea about me and think i am a horrible person when im really just a coward who desperately wants to not be a horrible person!

im trying so hard not to be a horrible person, its just SO HARD hahahahahahahahaha.

hooray 100 jobs in 1 month. well, 1 month and 1 day.

i just get ANGRY looking at these jobs and thinking should i apply, could i handle this, how stupid is this, and then think of HER making good money, moving forward, staying TOUGH, and i am way smarter than her, and I have THREE times the college she does hahahaha, and EIGHT years older than her, yet she is doing SO much better at life than me, and i am having SUCH a hard time doing the BARE MINIMUM.

welp see the dr next week, will ax them to bump me up from 40 mg citalopram to im guessing 60. i dunno. that would be my guess. not like anybody knows what they are doing anyway. so give me a huge xanax prescription, a huge painkiller prescription, also a MJ prescription, etc.  thats what i think you should do doc.

but maybe there will be a cute 22 year old medical skool gurl there hahahaha. and ill be like did you i graduated from BLA BLA and she will say oooo i wish i could have gone there and Ill say yep its a great school innit, well i still became a huge failure and i wish i could be as successful and normie as you, a 22 year old med student hahahaha. i mean you got accepted to med skool, thats a big deal. i had already crashed and burned by that age. i peaked in high school hahahaha. looks like youre peaking in med skool. good for you. want to go for coffee in an elevator hahahahaha and talk about how science is awesome and how women should be polyandrous hahahaha and may I Prep Milady’s Bull pl0x?

so applying to jobs and thinking of her sneering down on me….she’s NOT REALLY DOING THAT. but she prob IS more successful than me and just moved WAY ahead of me in the Game of Life. but she doesnt care enough to sneer at ME. i wish she did hahahaha

but yeah point is, i shouldnt even think of HER while doing jobsearch, but i DO, possibly because i am a masochist.

ok applied to 5 jobs today AND printed out my interview stuff for tomorrow. prob wont apply to anything tomorrow, or maybe 1.  and then have the awkward social situation tomorrow night with the drunk team member. he didnt show up last week so we dodged a bullet. he never NOT shows up, so that was a first. so he is bound to come back soon. and we will have to deal with the situation.

i hate EXPLAINING things to people because most of the time I dont understand whats going on. it is SO HARD for me to UNDERSTAND new stuff QUICKLY. i can use flashcards to memorize it quickly but it still doesnt make any SENSE.  and thats where the bullshitting comes in.

so i dont even grade the postings any more, i just say APPLY, APPLLYYYYYYY for the really good ones, or maybe for the meh ones. thats all there is, because thats all that matters.

i really should LIFT, or i really should do some kind of sprinting or high intensity thing with my powerwalks. that was the one good thing about the Fatclub, well besides staring at indecently dressed sluts, that I got pretty good at Jogging. now i dont jog any more.


saying just tell me what to do and i’ll do it pleasssseeeee is for the WEAK.




now excuse me while I listen to James Read War Metal hahahahaha

i mean i do basically agree with all that. being weak hasn’t gotten me anywhere in life.

i basically hate all NORMIES like HER who arent in the middle of this grueling, humiliating, terrifying job search process. where every day you feel like a worthless, incompetent, subhuman, subminimum piece of shit retard loser neet. ohhhh and shesss such a bigggg winnnneerrrrrr.

no, she doesnt even CARE. she FORGOT about me long ago, has new friends now.

and i dont. i am not super close with my weekly event friends but im not sure i really WANT to be. i mean we dont have too much in common. they are nice people and we get along but i dont feel a super close connection with them.

maybe i should look on the social anxiety forum for how they deal with angry customers demanding explanations for things you dont understand, but you cant transfer them, so you have be cool under pressure and bullshit your way out of it. cuz really the ANXIETY is what kills you in these situation. not the despair. but the anxiety is the big problem there at that time.

there is another stupid xkcd comic called “rejection” which shames guys who get mad when they get rejected. because you’re supposed to be HAPPY about being REJECTED. good god. how does this guy live with himself. because he’s got a good job and makes a lot of money and somehow is better with the ladeez than me. i dunno. maybe he has an open relationship or cucking fetish. would explain a lot. i mean what kind of MAN is a FEMINIST. thats what he comes off as. a feminist male. and i guess the feminists give him enough action to keep him a servile feminist.

did nice 5 mile powerwalk

that feel when you feel like you just cant DO shit, you cant DO a job. your customers call you asking you to do something for them, and you dont know how to do it, and you look like an incompetent idiot who is not qualified for your job.

like for example this job interview tomorrow. i dont know shit about security systems. cameras and alarms. but that shit is gonna be in my purview. people could get away with crimes if i dont know what im doing. say i see somebody getting K’d on a surveillance camera. or rather, the camera went out, i neglected to fix it because i didn’t know how, and during that time, someone got K’d in view of that broken camera, where if i had fixed it, there would be a good chance of Identifying the Suspect or something.

but OOPS i fooked up and this guy gets off scott free and a poor white gurl is dead.

not that this is a high crime area. but there is the occasional groping or assault or theft by a nonwhite.

also the job starts at 40k. are you kidding me? i am only asking for 26k hahahaha. but i wont tell them that.

well i found their knowlege base, it only has like 15 articles in it hahaha.

well i mean shit if they want to hire me, they’ll hire me, in fact the odds are against me. MAYBE they want me for the midnight shift. i mean shit that is when all the people do crime, at like 3 or 4 in the morning.

i just wanted to BE HEARD. if youre gonna punish me, give me a chance to explain myself before the court.

that xkcd friends comic needs like a sequel or an update or a few more chapters to fill out the story.

and who exactly is cueball and who exactly is this woman in the larger universe of the comic? i mean maybe this cueball guy really truly is a little bitch. its hard to tell ANYTHING from this one comic.

notice cueball is not showing a lot of internal conflict. this does reflect poorly on him. when my feelings started, i had HELLA internal conflict, because i wanted to tell her. i wanted to show her. i tried showing her because i was too scared to blurt out “i like u nao” and the tension and conflict rose and rose until it exploded. none of this happens in the cueball situation. in fact, she is hanging out with him, sitting on the couch next to him, drinking. COME ON.

and hows he supposed to know she did that because of a moment of weakness? ESPECIALLY if she continues dating him? that just doesnt happen. she would in reality just dump him soon after saying, yeah dont get too used to that because i was just drunk and it didnt mean anything.

BELIEVE ME, if she didnt REALLY WANT to be in a rel with him, she would LEAVE HIS ASS in the blink of an eye. she wouldnt STAY WITH HIM while she figured it out. dump first, figure it out / rationalize it later.

so yeah i dont like how the comic portrays the woman as a blameless victim. yeah, cueball is a little bitch, but the woman is an immature IDIOT too who bears SOME responsibility. dont turn her into some innocent martyr. shes a fookin MORON who is too immature to have ANY relationship but she just falls into them because women are the supply, men are the demand.

this is what i write about instead of thinking about muh job interview tomorrow. yeah i am a little worried about that too hahaha.

i have had happy times which didnt involve her. so i must remember those times. chief among them was this nice time in spring/summer 2014 where i met up with an old college friend and we did a bit of a “road trip” to go to a wedding. it was a lot of fun. good people and good times. and That Woman had nothing to do with it. although at that time, i was thinking “we get along so well, maybe I should think more seriously about trying to date her. she is such a nice gurl and we get along so well. but she is breaking up with her BF nao and that has got to be tough. i mean that will take a few months to get over. I dont want to swoop in like some stalker waiting to pounce.” and THE she starts dating some new sleazebag and then I got REALLY interested. what was she doing jumping into this? why pick a sleazebag? why avoid me like the plague? why wasnt I cool any more?

like i say, it hurts to be once held in high regard, then get Demoted. Downgraded.

i wonder if that little adventure helped me make up my mind regarding the female friend. maybe a little bit. i was starting the journey but it would take a few more months to go all the way.

aug 2

sheeeeit interview TODAY. 2 pm. 12 pm right now. i have taken shower, shave, eat breakfast, gone to bathroom, even pre tied the tie i am going to wear because it can be a little tricky. it takes me a full 1 hour and 40 minutes to Get Ready for a Big Day like this. that includes getting out of bed, shower, shave, bathroom, coffee, breakfast, teeth brushing and flossing, and putting on suit with tie.

do not feel great about this, why are they even calling me in for this 40k job that covers a lot of stuff. i cant handle this, i cant hande anything hahahaha. way to pump yourself up before a big interview haha.

HORRY SHEET. well i had the interview. me and the Director. nobody else. no 5 person panel. me and him in a room for One Hour. I was very nervous going in. VERY nervous.

He was really nice, nicer than I expected, no super hard questions. The interview actually went a little BETTER than average. the job starts in the HIGH 40s. He said there were 4 people interviewing. DAMN. I felt pretty good about the interview and the job sounds really good actually. with absolutely ridiculous pay, benefits, health care, days off, ridiculous 401k matching. it sounds too good to be true really. whats the catch.

so i felt some confidence and felt good, getting this would be a LIFE CHANGER. i mean i should become a BORN AGAIN GOD worshiper if I can get this. total LIFE CHANGER. transform me from a total loser to a pretty damn big WINNER OVERNIGHT.

he was nice to me and I was nice to him. I expected a hardass grilling me with super tough questions. specially from seeing his picture on the website. but he was nice.

and then i thought “dont get a big head about this, what if i dont get it,” and THEN I thought

NO. NO. GO AHEAD AND YES, DO GET A BIG HEAD ABOUT IT. ENJOY that feeling of confidence and big headedness. THIS is what NORMIES feel every day, THIS is what is attractive to women, THIS is what makes winners and strong husbandos and fathers, THIS is what I’ve been missing, and THIS bigheaded overconfident feeling is what I NEED in my life.

its better to be overconfident than underconfident. period. who cares if its hubris. ENJOY IT. because how often do you feel GOOD and CONFIDENT? FOOKING NEVER. ENJOY IT. DRINK IN THE BIG HEADEDNESS.

this is what normies and and WHAT MAKES THEM NORMIE. It is GOOD to feel this.

so what if i get rejected. I would have gotten rejected ANYWAY. better to at least feel GOOD for a LITTLE bit.

because what seems like HUbris and Cockiness and the Sin of Pridefulness to me, is actually just NORMAL CONFIDENCE.

because I am SO UNUSED to feeling this.

THIS is what is attractive to EVERYBODY: employers, friends, women, EVERYBODY.

so if i get this job it means I can contact HER and be like HAY BABY.

NOOOOO. well it does mean I will beat her at the game of life, which is good. but it means i will be able to find a BETTER woman, who wont leave me in the fookin lurch, and who is willing to Go To Bat for me.

i mean everything. he starts talking about the pay and benefits early in the discussion, oh you get 12 sick days a year, but we dont like to take more than 10, everyone here is nice and helps each other out, yeah we can be flexible with hours, doesnt have to be 8 to 5, could be 7 to 4 because i know how traffic gets around here (pretty bad), we have one guy who wanted to do 4 10’s, so he only works 4 days a week. i was just thinking why are you even telling me this. and he didnt seem like he was SELLING anything, like sleazy managers who tell you anything to get you in the call center seat. he started as an officer

good god just got a call about another job, now have interview on monday with mortgage dept of bank. wow. not too excited about that hahahaha. well at least they didnt want me to come in TODAY or TOMORROW.

anyway the……college security computer tech job had the interview today is definite hella better. i mean these arent sleazebags nor do they seem like dirty cops hahahaha. he’s like yeah we get pretty good funding because the college is serious about security. ive been here 10 years, there are 2 other guys on this tech team, one has been there 3 years, got a new guy last year, they dont seem chomping at the bit to GET OUT OF THIS HELLHOLE hahahaha. ie they dont hate their jobs and lives.

so like i say, i got a good vibe off the supervisor at the security job. he rattled off all these benefits matter of factly. he even hinted that there might be DOWNTIME. and people arent working 60 hours a week every week, running ragged to meet impossible production quotas and crushing people to get there. which would prob happen at this damn bank hahaha.

well at least its not this Hip Mortgage Broker (Lender?) that hires Classes of 30+ people every few months, then they quit or get fired in a revolving door. but they paint themselves as so damn HIP and FUN and COOL that it comes across as very disingenuous and i have stopped applying there hahahahaha.

yeah i mean i care about the culture, in that i want the culture to enable you to do your work, meaning you can get help if you need it, and not look like a fool getting thrown in the deep end who cant do shit for your clients. a company that sets up you for success not failure.

but of course a company that sets you up for failure will tell you that they set you up for success, that they care about work life balance, that they have a starbucks and a gym in the building, you get free coffee and soda and fruit. oh wow. how about you just give me work that i can actually handle. just be fooking straight and honest with me. don’t make me lie and bullshit to poeple, and dont tell me bullshit either.

so yeah the coppers today seemed honest and no bullshit. good cops hahahaha. i mean i like cops. unlike that woman, who hates cops and luvs ingras hahahaha.

fookin 49k a year, are you KIDDING ME? ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

i almost dont deserve this hahahaha.

i thought you had to have a MASTERS degree to make 49k a year.

I would be happy with 29k a year hahahaha. i didnt tell him that though.

well this is not a union position. no contracts. meaning they probably could shift the pay. go to a lower salary band. but the college throws buckets of money at their public safety department! they are flush with cash in a way that no damn companies are! its kind of insane.

now normally to get a police job you have to do police academy, pass tests, and then start off in a fooking shithole ingra jungle like compton or bronx or something. you dont start out in a CUSHY place like this. you gotta pay your DUES first. i havent been paying dues! i have YET TO PAY MUH DUES!

basically this job would be too good to be true. not a lot of bullshit, GREAT pay, fooking raises every damn year, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? most people havent gotten a raise in like 5 years!

AND making enough money to Win a true honest to GOD 1488 Tradwife!!!!!!!!

Which is much harder to do at 28k a year. which i would have gladly taken hehehehe.

he didnt even ask why i left my previous job! though im not even sure he knew i HAD left it.

so yeah not every job i interview for do i say, ya know, I would really LIKE to get that job. but this one, definitely.

im noticing it takes at LEAST a month after apply for the job for them to get back to you about an interview. with some exceptions where they call you pretty quick. but if they dont call you in a week….they’ll call you in a MONTH.

anyway. its also important to remember…..say i were to get this job and my life would do a total 180 overnight. huge loser to huge winner. rags to riches. omega to alpha. foreveralone to loving tradwaifu. its important to remember that NOTHING has changed about ME. I’m the same person as I was before the interview, as I was for the hour I was doing the interview, on the basis of that hour they will decide to give me a 49k job and wave the magic wand and transform my life.  and i will still be the same person, same essence.  the same foreveralone virginal neet who managed to fake competence for an hour, in the right place at the right time, to convince the nice man to hire me.

really i mean this in the good way, like, i always had It In Me, when I tend to think I DONT have it in me. the confident man says YES I DO have “it” in me. I can handle this. I deserve good things. I can do a good job. I am WORTH 49k a year hehhehehehe. Seriously!!!!

I mean Im DEFINITELY worth 30k a year…..but 49k? I just can’t see it.

well at least I got an interview for a 13k a year job on thursday hahahaha. I am definitely worth 13k hahahaha.

49k PLUS health care (well Im sure that cuts into your 49k) PLUS paid time off PLUS vacation days PLUS 401k where they straight up contribute and you dont even have to! and weekends off! straight Mon thru Fri! and no midnights! no Split Shifts! No 60-80 hour weeks! there might be holidays but it sounds like there is rotations.

32k national AVERAGE for the mortgage job interviewing on monday. i would expect more towards the low end of 27k.  the job description is really confusing and talks about vendors and pipelines and distributed and waaaat.

i hate reading job descriptions, you dont even know what they’re SAYING, its like speaking a different LANGUAGE. and then you meet the people, and in a good situation like today, you see they are normal, nice, decent, honest people who aren’t trying to baffle you with BS. cuz these job descriptions are total bs.

property preservation. like a drug house in the ghetto where they need to scrub the blood off and the meth lab explosions and black mold and termites and toxic waste so the bank can sell it to fookin tarek and christina.  well wouldnt THEY do most of the rehab work? i mean alot of their shit was just shitty that they buy. i dunno! thats why they dont train you! i dunno! its just my job! who knows if im doing it right! yeah sure im doing it right! these are best practices HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA



[NOTE Dec 20 2016: This is part of my MERRY CHRISTmas celebration of poasting, where I will have posts the next 5 days thru CHRISTmas. ENJOY hahahaha. and I want to thank all my dear readers who understand that that just because I take the side of my own people, it doesn’t mean that I am hateful and violent and crazy and need to be reported. This USED to be what NORMAL PEOPLE did. NORMIES.

Also I started a New Job in December. You will not start seeing poasts about that for about another 7 months, hahahahaha. but just so you know, I DID eventually end up getting a Job. Not a bigboy job, not a job I can brag about as a grown man, but to say that I am Working at least 20 times more than I was is not an understatement. Also its very low stress and the people are very nice and i don’t have to answer phones with stupid crazy issues in a call center with calls all day from angry users with complicated problems that don’t make any sense! nope I barely answer the phone, everything is straightforward, I have smart experienced people 2 feet away I can ask questions no problem, its a 180 from previous job, and I REALLY NEEDED THIS. I AM VERY THANKFUL TO GOD AND MUH FAMILY for helping me on my struggle to get this job. It’s not a PROPER job….but it will do in the short term. plan is to impress the shit out of people here, get a few more written references, and move to a more substantial job in this Large Organization.]

may 25

had semi interesting dream where I was drunk and rambling and about to pass out and miraculously I was hanging out one on one with this woman from college I wish I had hung out more with because she had some real potential. I should have been putting moves on her (IRL as well as in the dream!) but in the dream I just passed out and she fell asleep next to me but I dont think we were actually touching. I woke up with a hangover and thought oh shit, I got SO drunk I couldn’t even properly Use Game on this woman hahahaha. If i hadnt been so raging drunk, I could have been more charming to her, and we maybe could have made out or at least cuddled. but why is she even here then? most women would have left right away in digust.

and then I had to leave and she hugged me and said call me, we should hang out again soon. usually they dont actually SAY that unless they mean it. and I thought YESSSS I still have a chance.

and that was basically it.

anyway she had real potential and could probably REPLACE and make me FORGET about that woman, well assuming we hung out and she didnt avoid me hahaha. onyl problem is i cant really hang out with her. well i technically CAN, she only lives 65 miles away or so. but shit. its probably even harder to start a rel long distance than it is to maintain an established rel which becomes long distance in the middle of it.

but this woman still looks good even though shes GOT to be 30 years old by now. I mean she is close to MY age. and I would STILL Date Her.

she wasnt a slut when I first met her but I think she became more sluttish throughout her 20s hahaha. and technically she is a career woman with not many fertile years left.  she didnt go to grad school immediately but she’s got a pretty good job and now she is going to a well known grad school which will prob take her career from darn good to really great.  a Thought Leader hahaha.  this is how you become a manager at a Good Career. I can’t even become a Junior Employee at a Good Career. we are kinda two different worlds there. whereas with That Woman, our world were closer.

post office interview tomorrow. mail processor. asking them direct questions about phone time, wage, benefits, how many positions open

well apparently the post office has a reputation for workplace bullying and abusive management, thats why people go postal. well if that happens i can just ragequit again and say I dont like saying anything negative but there was a very high level of workplace bullying there which could not be lessened through assertive communication.

Probably something to do with neurological pathways and training ourselves to think as moving towards self-acceptance vs moving away from it, while also seeing how prone we are to harsh self-criticism in the first place. I myself am EXTREMELY critical against myself and definitely should show more patience and compassion to myself. I am generally very nice to others as a rule. It would be good to show that same care to myself. I do have a history of depression, anxiety, failure, underachievement, general bad attitude.

well i liked having that dream about that other woman because it meant i CAN have feelings for other women besides That Woman….however I also felt regret that I didn’t pay attention to the woman in the dream during that time when we were both young and I actually lived near her. VERY near! She literally lived on the same block as me! but I only hung out with her a couple times, and always part of groups!

who knows, maybe she would have thought I was weird and would have avoided me in favor of other guys. but she was generally nice to me and didnt seem to know a lot of guys. at that time. she became more of a slut AFTER college hahaha. and now she’s fookin 30. still in shape, still looks very good, out of my league both in terms of looks and her career. she is well on her way to becoming a catlady. albeit a good looking one. very good looking one. and I know she’s a little bit crazy. And I would worry that she was a LOT crazy and would really leave me in the lurch if I ever got involved with her now. which I wont because I havent talked to her in 10 years and she lives 60 miles away. I just have dreams about her sometimes hahahaha.

heh. have never really experienced workplace bullying believe it or not. theres something i need to check off my bucket list hahahahaha. i imagine its worse than elementary school bullying because you cant escape it, and also in school, your teacher is more likely to care about you and want to help you, whereas at te workplace, your manager is much less likely to care and to help you out. in fact, your manager may well be the one bullying you. i think we can safely say that most TEACHERS dont bully their students.

No glitches or errors. I am committed to providing insightful and detailed feedback to assist Duke Fuqua produce the best research possible. Please contact me through mTurk if you would like further input on this or any other studies. Thank you.


I know top tier schools like Duke and Harvard have lots of money. If I can get on the inside track here, maybe I will get first crack at the Premium HITs hahahaha.

heh i have made 50 dollars in 7 days. and I still have a LOT of pending stuff from this time that will translate in MO MONAY for me.

but yeah. never had serious problems with workplace bullying or superbad cliques. i mean there were some cliques. and the worst thing i had to “deal” with was that WOMAN, and she wasnt BULLYING me, she was just breaking muh heart hahahaha. and I didnt DEAL with it, i just QUIT hahahaha.

i dont make a LOT at this mTurk but its good to even make a LITTLE. to see that I have made 50 dollars in 7 days, well thats nothing if youre working, shit thats nothing if youre getting unemployment, but when you have NO income, its a big improvement.

also my bitcoin microloans are useless and not a good return, lots of deadbeats there, and also US residents have been barred from investing any more money in BTCjam, so, thats as good as dead as me. I still have like 30 bucks tied up in there that I intend to get back.

and bitcoin poker, well i am losing money there. i am down. i have made more in 7 days on mturk than i have in more than a year playing poker. i am down on my initial investment for my whole poker career essentially. i can still break even but……i dont expect that in under a year.

these stanford women golfers are just very pretty hahaha. nice cute blond young 19 year old gurls. not slutty looking at all. I hope they dont take alotta cox at stanford. that is a very hard school to get into. im sure being a woman golfer helps.

may 26

PSE means postal support employee

hehehehehe some terrible reviews here

oh ho ho:

Below is a list of characteristics and values, some of which may be important to you and some of which may be unimportant. Please rank these values and qualities in order of their importance to you, from 1 to 13 with 1 = most important item and 13 = least important item. Click on an item in the list and drag it to the desired position to rank each item.

My values and qualities:

1 Relations with friends/family
2 Being kind to others
3 Social skills
4 Sense of humor
5 Business/managerial skills
6 Treating people fairly
7 Physical attractiveness
8 Athletics
9 Creativity
10 Neatness/tidiness
11 Artistic skills/Aesthetic appreciation
12 Music ability/appreciation
13 Spontaneity/living life in the moment


Based on this test, it is clear that you are racially biased at the unconscious level. More specifically, the results indicate that you have a strong preference in favor of White people compared to Black people. Below, you’ll see a graphical representation of where your test score places you compared to the population.

Please note that a significant amount of research in the social and behavioral sciences indicates that scores on this test predict people’s judgment of and behavior towards racial minorities. For example, one study demonstrated that people with racial bias often avoid being friends with racial minorities or treat them unfairly in social situations, even though they didn’t intend to. This means that there is a really good chance that you harbor unconscious bias towards Black people and are particularly likely to discriminate against them.

hahahahahahah GOOD! I HOPE Im a HUGE racist! but i think this is a deception, they didnt do SHIT.

Like I said above, I am fairly prejudiced and the “test” “confirmed” this, and I was sort of happy to see that. I DO favor people of my ethnicity over people who are not, although I don’t have hatred towards anyone, and I try to treat people of all races well. My goal is to do no harm and be kind to everyone. I am not mean or hurtful towards nonwhites. But I have a great appreciation and love for whites, I feel like they are my team. I would definitely not want to have mixed-race children. I would prefer to live in a majority-white community. I think all races are entitled to put their own race first. I don’t really feel guilty about white privilege. I am very interested in race. I think race is more than a social construct and that real differences exist between the races on a biological, genetic level. Again I am not hateful or violent or angry. I don’t make decisions that will harm nonwhites in any way, such as if I were in a position of authority where I might have some influence on “institutional racism.” That would definitely be an interesting moral dilemma however. I am very interested in participating in any research on race and attitudes and prejudice. I would advise researchers to study the thoughts of the “Alt Right”, which is a growing movement of thought which articulates ideas not commonly found in the modern university. Please contact me through mTurk if you need any detailed commentary. Thank you and good luck with your research.

HA! as i suspected, they said my diagnosis as very racist was false and not based on this reaction time task I did. but i AM very racist hahaha. I said the test itself sucked. then they said it WAS a valid test. I just have no idea what this valid test says about me being racist. maybe the test would say I am not racist at all. then i would be disappointed hahaha.

I am committed to helping researchers produce research of the best quality and I am happy to give very detailed feedback on any studies. Please contact me through mTurk if you are interested in very high-engagement and detail-oriented research participants.

anyway. interview at the damn post office. it wasnt too bad. post office is closer. but there is a lot of bad shit on the internet about this PSE thing, which is basically the shittiest job at the post office, and very hard to move out of. heck most jobs are very hard to move out of. promotions are a thing of the past. just being not fired or laid off is the new promotion. keeping your job with no raise is the new promotion hahaha.

there are horror stories. what I dont like is that they could start you at 3 am one day and 4 pm the next day, and you can have split shifts where you work 5 hours, get off 4 hours, then come back and work 5 more hours, then come back in 8 hours and work a 16 hour shift with no break or lunch.

i am honestly up in the air here. They say with the post office the managers are incompetent at best and abusive at worst. these guys didnt seem abusive. I felt them getting bored as I rambled on and on hahaha. he made it sound like split shift would not happen more than once a week. but yeah the PSE are fill in people.

what IS good is that its all BACK OFFICE stuff, very little customer contact. no phones. Just processing pieces of mail. Of course this is not without its problems as the machine can fook up and you are measured carefully and have to produce x amount so the carriers can take them out at y o clock. also lots of lifting of 70 pounds and lifting. Sounds like you could get in pretty good shape. I am ok with that, tho not sure I can lift 70 pounds hahaha.

I am more concerned wiht the machine getting a rubber band caught in it, so it finishes processing 45 minutes late, which enrages carriers because they are also PSE’s under the gun trying to finish their routes by 5pm or they are fired.

but I guess it really depends on your post office, your managers.

and PSE is not a job, it is a class of worker. You can be a PSE carrier, PSE processing clerk (which is what i think this is.) then the serious tenured people are “regulars” which I think are the same as “Career.” they are cutting way back on these. it is basically impossible to get a career job, and people have been PSE’s for 7 years with no raise, told to “keep waiting, hold on” for a career spot. I guess the benefits of career are better health care, better pay, raises, more breaks hahaha.

I honestly dont know. I am a little scared and apprehensive but less than with the phones. but here i am apprehensive about the weirdass schedule and a Work Culture that is notorious crabs in a bucket shit. and PSE’s are always at the bottom of the bucket. and some places dont want to train you. just figure it out and dont fook it up. more than a couple RUN DONT WALK reviews. IT’s impossible to tell about this particular office. The 3 managers I talked to today seemed ok. The “customer service manager” was younger than me and said he also had a useless degree hahahaha. well he is certainly not a PSE. are all managers regulars?  how did such a young man get that job?  the two other guys were older. one was a fat white guy who was not very charismatic and there was a black man who kinda seemed like the Alpha Male, had a somewhat intimidating presence but he was nice enough.

the waiting area before I went to go in to the actual interview was atrocious. it was a dimly lit cramped space with peeling wallpaper. i got there early, probably too early. they didnt bring me in till 15 minutes after the appointment time, whilst I waited in that ungodly little area.


april 15

shit. paying 5 dollars to get an “OFFICIAL” pdf transcript of my 70 credits at community college. well, it looks better than an unofficial transcript. hopefully has the Solemn Seal of the Esteemed, Reputable college hahahaha. no the college is fine. it has produced many successful winners who make way more money and have way more kids than me hahahaha. shit. like That Woman. shit. i cant believe she’s even capable of a 5 year intimate relationship with a man hahaha.

fookin NORMIES dont seem to understand LUV. when you get your heart broken, you wail and moan and feel like you’re the only one who has experienced this. But you’re really not. everybody has.

but i wonder: is that true?? I really DONT think many normies experience both love this deep, and heartbreak this deep. They get over it in a couple months at most, more like a couple weeks!

within a few months at longest, they are FOOKING new people!!!!!!

dont be so god damn quick to jump into bed with new people like an easy slut!




The only normies who can understand are those whose Beloved Wife DIES, and they are like Welp, that is it, the love of my life is gone and she can’t be replaced. I dont even WANT to be with anyone else. Sometimes they get married again YEARS later. but for YEARS they aren’t even REMOTELY INTERESTED in trying to find anyone else.

I was watching hunt for red october which is an ok movie, and liked the high pressure situations where they were seconds away from death and waiting on the order of a possibly crazy captain, who never ever explained the crazy shit he was doing. so people would get FLUSTERED and say CAPTAIN do you REALIZE what youre DOING, and he would sit there like a stone for a few more seconds, then bark out an order.

well, in this case, the crew was not trying to explain weird inexplicable shit to End Users, and also their captain was right there telling them exactly what to do, taking ownership and responsibility, even if he gave no explanation.

but I was trying to make sense of shit too. like WHY CAN’T the sub see another sub that is following directly behind it? but the sub in back can see the one in front?

don’t they have radar as well as sonar? that can see a big metal ship in any direction?

how do torpedoes home in on whatever? they can seek a large object…..even if its not the sub they intended to hit. and you can accidentally blow yourself up. is this actually possible or just a tom clancy fantasy?

what is the chain of command here? who is in the loop and who is not? what if someone makes a clerical error hahahahaha.

how high do you have to be in the CIA to override orders by a ships captain? who’s the most powerful highest up person here?

this might be a problem with tom clancy. just throwing in confusing details without explaining anything, without even really caring.

the movie is great in parts and has a ridiculously strong cast, sam neill, tim damn curry, even a young stellan skarsgard!! but it has other parts that fail to impress the mature man of the world. like theyre just jerking off and bullshitting here.

the implication is that the russians are speaking russian the whole time. this is why they start out speaking russian and then after about 10 minutes they start speaking english. i never understood that when I was young. But it makes sense now that I am older. and I found it pretty reasonable unlike other parts of the movie.

i guess if  ever get a call for an interview I will go to damn thrift store and look for a somewhat presentable jacket. the one I have now isn’t BAD…..I just feel like its a bad luck charm. it is dark gray and I would prefer blue or lighter gray. also I should get a different tie.

5 dollars for a damn pdf. well at least I dont have to do that again. this is because a City Govt requested proof of associates degree or higher for blabla program assistant job. today I learned you can have OFFICIAL transcripts as a pdf. not just unofficial. So now I have OFFICIAL pdfs of all my transcripts for future use. That is a good thing.

I hope I didnt scare the mutual friend too much with my long email. I will not send any more long emails! But I did want to VENT to them and tell them the full story, and I believe I have. I mean its not a short story!

interesting but I’m looking for something a bit more critical and sense-making

pretty in depth and probably would have mentioned a severe technical error. didnt mention anything I was expecting. maybe the movie is pretty factual.

but why the fook couldnt sonar or radar see or hear a sub behind you? all the crazy ivans? why? when CAN you see or hear a sub in your area? within how many degrees of being At Your 6? what if they are at your 7????? can you see them then????

this has to be a Known Issue, otherwise, in my uneducated opinion, that page would mentioned it. I mean tom clancy SHOULD know, and the navy people they consulted with, but I dont trust them to reveal basic knowledge about subs that would not be obvious at all for the layman. cuz thats whats so obvious to me. i might have missed a line in the movie. I came in about 20 minutes in and my mind was wandering and the commercials were excruciating.

heheheh I finally found the article I was looking for. It only took 2 hours. well I probably could have done it in 20 minutes if I werent multitasking hahahaha.

read, understand, and now fix the sonar technician’s sonar problem. don’t ask me for help. figure it out. that’s your job. hahahaha. fix it quickly. get him off the phone. we have more people like him to service.

i am just mad HER and other normies can handle their jobs without breaking down. fooking normies. they make the difficult look so damn easy. then i get resentful because they “dont want to help me, dont want to share their secret information, they keep it in their normie clique.”

we used to be on the same team! I used to be able to trust you!!!! you changed more than I did!!!! hahahaha

and THIS is the woman I got along with better than any other woman ever. ABSOLUTELY UNBELIEVABLE.

yeah they tell you theres no such thing as a stupid question……..

but in the WORKING world, EVERY question you have related to your job is a stupid question, or at least an annoying and wasteful question which is slowing down your whole department. so DONT MAKE MISTAKES, and DONT ASK QUESTIONS, MORON.

well how do I figure out how to do my job then?

ITS CALLED INITIATIVE. SHOW SOME. FIGURE IT OUT. you said you were a go getter and self-starter. prove it.

when I was young I never even imagined this aspect of jobs. I thought jobs were simply long and boring at their worst. boy was I wrong! I never knew how uncertainty and doubt and confusion could destroy your mind even worse! combined with pressure to do things FAST, do things RIGHT, and explain this, and deliver this unexplainable bad news, with no help.

Drowning. not only is drowning bad, but its SCARY as fook!!!!!! it MORE that just SUCKS! its TERRIFYING as well!!!

I wish I was able to deal with that terror!

tried doing 3 miles straight of slow jogging yesterday. was able to do it and could prob do more. did not feel totally worn out and tired. although i slept pretty good. i dont think it would be enough to clear the mind after a hard days work though.  need higher speed or longer distance. I would rather do longer distance. might have to try 4 miles hahahaha. definitely got past my plateau and am continuing to lose weight tho, so thats good. have lost 17.6 pounds since jan 1.  18 pounds in…..16 weeks hahahaha.

when you love someone and want to spend a long time monogamously with them, its disgusting and infuriating to know they are being a SLUT with other men, giving dat pvssy up to many other men, quickly and easily, when she had no attraction to you whatsoever, and wouldnt give it to you if you paid her 1000000 dollars.

why cant normies understand this. i always have to NEETSPLAIN everything to normies hahaha.

its not that hard! i cant believe normies dont get this! just like I cant believe women constantly need such mansplaining! i wish i didnt HAVE to mansplain or neetsplain! this is EASY MODE common sense! not even the harder common sense, but actual common common COMMON sense!!!!!

women can get pregnant, men can’t!!!!

having your heart broken hurts a LOT for a LONG time and takes a LONG time to get over and you shouldnt FOOK other people during that time of grief and processing!!!

what I wanted to say is that when you LUV someone, it’s FUN to be with them. Being with them motivates you. It’s more than hedonistic sensualist fun, it’s good clean wholesome god-loving innocent loving fun.

It may be kinda fun to hang out with friends. but its REALLY REALLY fun to hang out with the person you LUV. you get REALLY EXCITED about it. You can have a bad day and they walk in and its a ray of sunshine and you forget all your worries.

thats something your regular friends can’t accomplish.

its REALLY HARD to install the SPELLCHECKER for Notepad++.

I luv notepad++ because obviously plain txt files are best ways to type and create stuff. then you just copy and paste them to word or pdfs or wherever. it is a small fast program and you can open 50 documents at once in tabs, which is YUGE.  but I would LUV for it to have a spellcheck. it does have a plugin, but its fookin impossible to install. because you have install other GNU plugins and shit that only Computer Science Engineers know how to do.  I mean the average woman making 15 DAH, this is gonna be WAY over their head. Shit I need somebody to mansplain it to me.

i needed somebody to mansplain the stupid articles at my job!

thats all it was. you know how technical manuals are never written in plain english and are frustrating as fook? often missing information? giving no understanding of the process? well that was our main resource on fixing problems. read this fooking confusing, incomplete bullshit, understand it, and use it to fix their weird shit.

I say just make mistakes. make mistakes until they fooking FIRE you.

protip: some people make mistakes ALL THE TIME and DONT get fired. If you keep a somewhat decent attitude, you can make 1000000000 mistakes a day and not get fired. just have to find a way to live with being scolded all the time for your mistakes. oh well. dont take it personally.


and then companies will have very clear policies. like three official write ups equals termination or something.  and they will TELL you when you are getting written up. They will GIVE you a letter. There is lots of ambiguity in the world, but not on that.  when you get an official warning, you will know it.

if you don’t, well the company doesnt deserve you then. fook them. quit that shit without a new job lined up hahaha.

I never got officially written up. But I saw other people getting official write ups. I went in to use the printer and there was write ups for people which the manager forgot to pick up, hahaha. im just grateful i didnt get written up for printing work related stuff , but which was a non-actionable non deliverable hahaha. It was not a directly cost cutting related printout in other words.

Shit I’ll buy my own REAMS of paper if they’d let me. I bought my own pens and notepads and post it notes! whereas NORMIES STEAL that shit from the office and bring them HOME! I bought my OWN at the store and brought them TO the office! Sometimes I GAVE other people post it notes!!!! I gave HER post it notes all the time!!!!!

applied for 4 county jobs. I am lucky they even HAD 4 full time jobs OPEN! but the county is a large employer of the county’s residents. like 1000 employees!!!!! one of the few places where you can get a 14 DAH entry level job with health care and 401k!

Us millennials think a 401 k is so great, when the god damn baby boomers were getting PENSIONS!!!!!!!!! hahaha.

also 401k’s are SHITTY. In a financial emergency, your 401k will DISAPPEAR. I almost wonder if its SAFER to put your money in a regular savings account and make .00000001% interest. Rather than risk THE WHOLE THING to get like 3% a year.  I mean its not like we’re not headed for collapse!!!!!

it seems kinda STUPID to use a 401k! the WHOLE THING could be wiped out!

so what’s the smart alternative?

physical gold which you guard at home with many gunz, of coursh!!!!!

many sons and lots of guns, hahahaha. your sons can guard your gold with guns while you are off prostituting yourself for the god damn j00z, hahahahaha.

oh wewlad i got an appointment to take the damn post office test already. I applied for a city carrier Position (just call them JOBS.wav) and then quickly got an email to take a test! usually the test is all full up. i never took the actual test before. anyway they had an online portion i could take right now and had to take within 3 days. took that right away. 150 questions, 90 minutes to complete. bunch of personality shit. the psi inc company.

i was dishonest and distorted even though it said doing that would not be in my best interest.

hahahaha watch they stick me in the most stressful job because my test results said I LOVE stress. well then Ill just quit again hahahaha.

i wonder if blacks handle job stress better than whites. the blacks will just say fug u mufugga bix nood and be surly and shitty, while whites get flustered and crazy and Worried. whites really want to do a good job, blacks dont care, and will do shoddy quality if it means not worrying. don worry be happy mon.

but yeah. damn. my life was better with her in it. she added a lot of positives to my life. she was a lot of fun and she built me up and made me strong just by being around.  well when she became distant, then being around her made me weak and worried and weak. and overall she was a net negative and i wish i never met her…..because she did add so much “value.” YUGE value-add with her. and her leaving has left a YUGE void which I don’t know how to fill. well i have to learn how to live with the void. love the void hahaha.

normally the person doing the dumping also gives SYMPATHY to the person they’re dumping.

to be dumped with no sympathy is ROUGH. it would hurt a NORMIE, and devastate a low confidence neet loser! also also make you think you did something TERRIBLE to be treated that way!

but she was set up to fail, she had no father to teach her how to dump a guy.

but mothers can do that do! her single mother was actually pretty good and taught her how to be a nice gurl and not a huge slut.

yeah well she didnt teach her how to dump a guy hahahahaha.

ps i got the notepad++ spellchecker working using the following method:




sorry sometimes I just have to explode with butthurt mansplaining.

but not all mansplaining is butthurt. men LIKE feeling smart. maybe women PLAY DUMB to stroke mens ego, to make them feel smart.

or they play dumb to see how dumb the man thinks they are.

god damn dumb btich. ever think its part of the provider and protector role? that its similar to the chivalrous good feels men get from helping or protecting women? similar thing with mansplaining. its BENEVOLENT in other words. benign.

i guess sometimes its less benign. lets say its 66 good and 33 bad.

i mean ive done both. I felt good and strong and kind when I sometimes mansplained things to That Woman. other times I was frustrated like you fooking MORON how can you BE so Dense!!!!!! I’m not a fookin GENIUS, how dumb are YOU?

also its stupid that women PLAY DUMB just to break your balls and shit test you like that. they’re TRYING To make you mad. they dont LIKE to make you mad, and it sure doesnt turn them on or like you more! its a shit test! they’re trying to make you mad, so if you get mad, they can reject you!

therefore, since mansplaining can be good or bad depending on the situation, so can women playing dumb be good or bad. sometimes they do it to invite good mansplaining to make you feel strong. that means they like you. sometimes they play dumb to shit test you and if you mansplain angrily then you fail the test and the poosy SNAPS SHUT. and they will never admit to this because they’re not even aware of it. they honestly dont think its true. their own natures are hidden to themselves. this is adaptive for some reason. probably similar to how other things like Ovulation and The Womb are CONCEALED. Its just a by product of the uterus and the power it holds. you cant hate them for it.

but you CAN get sad then they dump you brutally, because because dumped brutally hurts INHERENTLY, i dont care WHO you are.






apr 13

heh. waiting to go to stupid drug test. Stupidly I expelled 100% of muh waking up in the morning urine when I should have held back, but I needed muh instant gratification! now I am waiting for the 2nd urination and usually I drink a decent amount of coffee right now, but not today, because I am trying not to Dilute. they dont give you any advice on how not to dilute. but I know how possible it is. the best solution is to use the early in the morning urine. I mean I am a person who drinks a lot of  water and a lot of coffee.

technically i CAN still do it tomorrow, but I wanted to do it toDAY.

shit i really should do it tomorrow. just save some Yorine and do it first thing tomorrow.

not sure how i did this when i had to do this every week…..

ok i officially decided to do it tommorow. I just had a good coffee pee but that might have been “DILUTE”.

I wrote a pretty good email to the Mutual Friend. Got a little long winded OF COURSHE!!! but not too bad.

honestly I dont think That Woman talked to the mutual friend at ALL, either about me or just in general.

I suspect That Woman might have cut the mutual friend out of her life same as she did with me. and now mutual friend sees all the evidence of her fun new life and fun new friends and fun new boifrans and fook buddies and polyamorous fooks on facebook, cuz im sure mutual friend was not blocked like i was.

It may be my “fault” that that woman cut off the mutual friend. because she associated mutual friend with ME.

well thats not my problem, not my responsibility!!!!!! I dont even feel even a LITTLE bit guilty abotu that!

now mutual friend can be a little bit more cool and distant like “oh i guess she’s too COOL for me now that she has cooler, younger, sexier new friends”. i unfort had a LOT more at stake. it wasnt just a friend turning their back on me. it was a friend i had fallen DEEPLY in luv with and wanted to spend the rest of muh life with and have chirren with.

no i never told her all THAT, I didnt want her to know how DEEPLY I was in luv with her. maybe she figured it out and that’s why she was so scared. because even her long term boifran never luved her that much. she didnt think she was worthy of luv. so now she goes and fooks lotsa guys. thats easier. less serious. because fooking isnt serious. good lord.

i just hate she can FORGET ME so EASILY. Because it means I was not important to her, not valuable, not special. And I thought I was.

she didnt HAVE to return my feelings. I wasnt EXPECTING her to. I was EXPECTING her to DIGNIFY our LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP by showing me a TINY bit of SYMPATHY when she ended it, and not throw me away like a piece of garbage. that’s ALL. that’s the ONLY expectation I had. all you fookin assholes think I feel ENTITLED to a life of luv with her. NO. NOT AT ALL. WRONG. WRONG. YOUR WRONG, ASS HOLE.

just say im sorry, not because you did anything wrong, but you are showing sympathy for someone who is hurt. like when you say im sorry when you hear somebodys loved one died. its a POLITE show of SYMPATHY.

of course its complicated. even though you technically did nothing wrong… are still sort of the cause of their sadness. cuz you rejected them. but I understand you cant make someone Luv you.

I tried to tell her that, but she wouldnt listen ahahaha

she had kicked other people out of her life before…..for very good reasons! like they treated her bad, or they were pathetic drug addicts, bad influences. I wanted to be a good influence on her, like she was on me.

turns out I was no better than a bad influence cheater drug addict.

it is VERY painful when someone is a good influence on you, and you are a bad influence on them, and they want you out of their life.

But I am glad the mutual friend contacted me, and glad to give them My Side Of The Story. even if That Woman had never said a word to them.

anyway the mutual friend is a very very nice person who That Woman liked. there was NO REASON to cut the mutual friend out of life, UNLESS I was the reason. stupid.  I wont take responsibility for that. And I wont take responsibility for the way SHE reacts to MY feelings ESPECIALLY when shes not willing to communicate about the situation AT ALL, WHATSOEVER, NOT EVEN A SINGLE WORD.

I am still angry hahaha. I was doing a voice recording yesterday and was shouting about her being a FOOKING WHORE, SUCKING AND FOOKIN COX, because she’s TOO COOL to talk to me, but LOVES taking the new exciting COX. She luvs becoming a sleazebag. its stupid to be a good woman. it’s better being a SLEAZEBAG like the new guys you FOOK PROMISCUOUSLY. not afraid to talk to THEM!!!!!

that sort of thing.

applied for the university job. 40 grand a year? NOT GONNA HAPPEN hahahaha. this is “level 3”. I would be very happy with a level 1 making….26 grand a year. this is totally out of my league. i dont have a masters degree, and more importantly, i am a job hopping emotional basket case hahahaha. sane, decent women run in the other direction when they see me because they know i am bad news hahahaha.

well. see. That Woman abandoning the mutual friend is just shitty. I have a MUCH easier time saying “yep, that is DEFINITELY not my fault, that’s all on HER” towards that dumping, than when she dumped me. that i agonized over. This dumping of the mut friend, i can confidently say, well thats shitty of that person. SHAME on her. She’s not as good of a person as I thought she was. Have a LITTLE backbone. have a LITTLE courage. dont throw away TWO good people that never deserved to be thrown away. for new fun chads to fook. she SHOULD feel GUILT for this. and she will use that guilt to fook dudes hahaha and never do the right thing. so in a way, I pushed her to become a bad person hahahaha.

no no i am being sarcastic.

Anyway I am happy to talk to this mutual friend. that is a step forward for me I think.

so I thank GOD for that. cuz I was not really chomping at the bit to initiate contact with the mutual friend myself.

anyway. if I did this to a person, I wouldnt be able to live with myself. I would go crazy with guilt. wouldnt be able to sleep at night. Eventually I would have done SOMETHING. probably sent them a long email hahahaha or even a letter. Hey I gave her my address like 3 times just in case hahahaha.

did a nice 1000 calorieer.

i thought DAMN i was STUPID for falling so HARD for her. ok it didnt happen TOO FAST, but when it happened, it happened. also, if i could KEEP myself from getting feelings for her while she was with her BF, how come I couldnt KEEP myself from getting feelings when she was NOT with her BF????!!??!?!?!

Well because I didnt want to, for one. I thought there was a slim chance things could work out.

Also I think once you get the feelings… can’t roll them back. that is a one way process. no turning back. permanent.

basically i STILL got feelings TOO FAST and TOO STRONG and not cautiously/carefully enough. fools rush in hahahaha.

well, i also had stronger feelings for her than I even realized.  and that probably made her very scared. of COURSHE she didnt want to deal with that.

but yeah doesnt help me. I hate getting such STRONG feelings for women. it’s good to get that for your WIFE, but NOT someone who doesn’t luv you back! otherwise it takes at LEAST TWO YEARS to get over.

I mean I am starting to get over it after 9 months. But I still want her, and I have no interest in other women, cant even IMAGINE getting FEELINGS for other women.  I figure that will take at LEAST another 9 months.

I mean I would like to have a wife and I would like to luv her just as much as I luved this woman hahaha.

I mean really. who wants to marry somebody where you loved somebody ELSE more? it seems very wrong and fooking STUPID.

but I wish I had been able to control myself more, and not have the feelings get so STRONG. Like controlled myself and said, well, lets wait until SHE shows some feelings for ME before I go OVERBOARD here.

But I think I was encouraged by her sweetness and niceness to me. and the fact that we had been friends for a long time.

this was a NEW experience for me. getting feelings for a friend after 2 years had passed. Totally new territory for me. and I am SURE that made my feelings deeper and stronger, and made the eventual pain all the more worse too.

it wasnt fair to tell her “I AM RIDICULOUSLY IN LUV WITH YOU” I just told her I had feelings but downplayed how strong they were. cuz it prob is scary to have someone be STRONGLY in luv with you.

more importantly, why do I fall in luv so STRONGLY with people who dont luv me?

kind of a pattern hahaha.

Well it doesnt happen ALL THE TIME. just once every 3 or 4 years.

and i argue this doesnt fit the PATTERN at all. i JUST SAID, this was something COMPLETELY NEW.

Also, I really WANTED the women to return the feelings, to have feelings for me. It’s not like I was Choosing Unavailable Women. I was seriously hoping she would BE available!!!!!

I am thankful to the LORD for my recent interest in the Hip New Band Deafheaven. I usually have no interest in new music. Now it’s more curiosity than interest, but I will take it.  I am drawn to the controversy. They ruffle the feathers of the more closed-minded metal fans………but they are also really really really hipster and faggy. They are probably THE most hipster metal band I have ever seen.

I hate hipsters but I also think SOME metal closed=mindedness is amusing. but some of it is good! nothing wrong with being conservative and traidtional!!!! I hate “progressive” shit!

But metal is largely degenerate.

now deafheaven are probably degenerates too, having casual sex, drinking and smoking mj and god knows what other drugs.

so I might lose this curiosity soon, but I will enjoy it somewhat while it lasts. its not easy to enjoy music, like I said. hard to enjoy anything!

I like black metal and I like metal that was considered someone kind of progressive or out of the box……but in the 90s. I lost track of metal around 2002 and then soon after a lot of super progressive evolution happened. Have been catching up on the more interesting bits for the past few years.  I mean metal has been hipsterish since like 2008 or 2007, hahaha. the existence of deafheaven is not surprising given this trajectory.

so yeah its super faggy unmasculine emotional girly feminine black metal. in the past that would mean it was “gothic” and “symphonic.” bbbbbbut this stuff is surpirsingly heavy, good heavy sound, and more blast beats than i expected! I am a sucker for blast beats and I was pleasantly surprised how much deafheaven uses them. good for them. that’s probably the crux of the issue right there.  until recently, it took “balls” to cross the blast beat rubicon. one could say deafheaven contradicts that. faggy AND blast beats! so it really might be the perfect thing for me. since I am kinda faggy, but I also like the masculine intensity of blast beats.

i mean i had strong feelings for woman 2012 too. and it sucked to get dumped by her. but it sucked way less. and my life didnt fall apart. but I think my feelings just werent AS strong there. for woman2015 the feelings were possibly the STRONGEST they have even been for ANY woman ever. and the pain greater than ever. plus it was a complicated, shitty situation. totally unique. i couldnt really have prepared for it. nothing I had ever experienced had prepared me for this.

omg i forgot about this comment, classic set of comments on this video::

Ronald Clingerman8 months ago
i listen to this when i jack off

Ronald Clingerman8 months ago
+Ronald Clingerman me too

Aegianlulz3 months ago
+Ronald Clingerman Wanna jack off together?

ok you really gotta see the screen for the full effect:


If I could upboat Aegianlulz 6000000 times i would. and the god damn jimmie rustling gorilla. such a classic comment.

but yeah great album here too. Of course I have been in a peter steele / type o phase, and of course I enjoy their debut album a lot, but I came to carnivore late in life, but I took to them very naturally and enthusiastically. definitely a band I should have listened to when I was young. I remember seeing their cd all the time when I used to get cd’s and I thought oh thats the guy from type o negative…..but I never got the cd. I wasted so much money on stupid cd’s. I am of that age. I really should have got that carnivore cd, but I think at that time, the social group had decided that peter steele was faggy. because at that time, type o was going supergoth. I was SO concerned what other people would think of me! so immature and weak.

but yeah carnivore is AWESOME. just AWESOME. slightly degenerate but very forgiveable. dripping with pure testosterone. EXACTLY what most of us need!

listen to this album EVERY DAY while LIFTING or at least doing a brisk jog hahaha.

then you can listen to faggy deafheaven.

i always forget about mother fookin CARNIVORE.

I dont like much music, but I have total respect for CARNIVORE.

what did i learn.

if i ever have a female friend again, and I start falling in love with her, tell her directly as soon as possible. period. full stop. we need to TALK. NOW. NOW.  because a mere 10 months of that will be enough to ruin your life hahahaha. and it will take you a lot MORE than 10 months to bounce back. damn son.


I tried to be more classy than that.

And I never stalked or harrassed her.

so i want a damn cookie for that? NORMAL people dont do any of that anyway!

Well I guess I want to convince myself I am normal I suppose.

normies get heartbroken too!!!!

normies, tell me your stories of heartbreak!

i just wanted to do everything RIGHT and not be a psycho creepy weirdo niceguy stalker!!!!!!

I think I avoided the biggest pitfalls pretty WELL actually!!!!!

I wasnt perfect but its hard to be at the top of your game when you are HEARTBROKEN!!!!!

I really did pretty good CONSIDERING.

And I didnt do all the worst creepy psycho stalker niceguy shit that I was afraid I might do!

hahaha. i would rather ruin my own LIFE, that do any of that shit.

well I sure did hahaha.

Now I just walk at 15% inclines and listen to CARNIVORE and cant even find women attractive any more, want nthing to do with women, and worship peter steele when he says “IF YOU CANT EAT IT OR FOOK IT……KILL IT!!!!!” and “I GOT A RIGHT TO BE MYSELF, AND YOU CAN GO FOOK YOURSELF!!!! SUCK!!! MY!!!! DIKK!!!! SUCKMYDIKK!!!!!”

when the butthurt boils over into pure rage. this is why peter steele is such a mensch. a great goy he was. and a POLE!!!!!!

(in an interview he said “I’m bipolar, AND bipolack.”)

Poor Peter. He should ahve just taken some lithium and married a nice gurl and quit drugs and alcohol cold turkey and had some nice white children.

8 months today since i last contacted her (email4).

april 14

ok did the Urine test, no known unknowns there, nto sure about unknown unknowns because i am not a drug testing EXPERT. or SME.

Interview Talking Point:

I do not have direct supervisory experience, but as a more senior funjob staff member, I was entrusted with training and mentoring newer employees, and was skilled in training them in best practices. I enthusiastically took a similar role at call center, providing guidance and technical advice to newer employees in a very information-intensive environment, many of which expressed vocal appreciation for the knowledge and help.

I make decisions autonomously and quickly when needed, and take ownership over my projects and decisions, following through with clients to make sure issues are fully resolved. I do not require “hand-holding” and am skilled at working independently, with minimal supervision or guidance. I am skilled at meeting deadlines and strict quality metrics. I do self-training and independent research to stay current in job-related knowledge. I am very conscious of fellow team members’ own priorities and time management. I always aim to make the most productive use of my time and the department’s time.

I am good at thinking creatively and thinking of unknown unknowns, for example if I am meeting with an SME and they offer me limited information. I ask them probing questions to help them remember additional potentially useful information for me. I imagine potential roadblocks, risks, and pitfalls and ask about them beforehand, so I am equipped to handle them when they arise. In doing this, hopefully the SME will remember other unknown unknown pitfalls which I haven’t yet imagined or encountered, but they have.


yeah. yesterday I was EMBARRASSED that I had LOST CONTROL so much, htat I ahd gone so CRAZY, that I felt so STRONGLY, and couldnt control my RIDICULOUS strong emotions, and totally broke down. couldnt handle LIFE because of my strong, crazy, uncontrollable emotions. how could I let it go so wrong. its shameful, i was ashamed and embarrassed!!!!

how could I do this to myself over a WOMAN????!?!?!?!?!?!

its embarrassing!!!! its a sign of total weakness, which is unattractive to everybody! jobs, friends, women!

when you laugh the world laughs with you, when you cry, you cry alone hahahaha.

kinda sucks that you go thru your hardest times alone and whenever you try to Vent to someone, they think you want people to feel sorry for you, hahahaha.

no i dont want people to FEEL SORRY for me, but I DO want a LITTLE sympathy!!!!!!

I just wrote a second rambling long email to the mutual friend! I dont want to make a habit out of it. two strikes is enough. I am essentially using mutual friend as a PROXY for everything I couldnt say to That Woman. Because mutual friend is more wlling to listen and hear. I mentioned this. I just wanted to be HEARD, but I didnt even know if That Woman ever read my emails.

I just wanted to be HEARD! LISTEN TO ME!!

Is that too much to ask?

I dont think so!!!!

but yeah I cant ask her to be courageous. And I was being scary. I was scaring myself!

but if she responded to my 900000000000000000000000 words of emails with “k” would that be enough to “be heard?” I dunno.

also shes so young and girly and millennial that she sometimes said “kk” instead of “ok” and i found that annoying at first, then horrifying. I thought it signalled detachment, annoyance, and distance from her, and i hated that i was doing that to her.

but actually kk is far less sinister than that! i read too much into it! but because of that ambiguity, and its faginess, i will never use it.

god damn buzzfeed is such god damn degenerate trash.

misogyny? from the guy who responded to this idiot bitch? you know exactly how she’s gonna troll as soon as you read the tweet. AND I thought it would be a long drawn out thing! this is hardly a “MASTER CLASS IN TROLLING.” or “shining a light on everyday misogyny.” the guy was smart and didnt take the bait after “what do you mean”. if he had responded like a butthurt fedora virgin and they went back and forth 90000 times, that would be a master class in trolling. of course its a faggy MAN writing this article! FOOK buzzfeed!

when you present yourself as a fooking IDIOT, it is any WONDER men start mansplaining to you??!?!?!?!

Its hard NOT to mansplain when women are THAT fooking STUPID! so they’re FAKING it to massage men’s egos? I’d rather they didnt! Cuz I don’t WANT to think women are THAT dumb! OR deceptive!

this goddamn commercial with the animals in the office. instant messaging all the members of their TEAM. great job team. good ideas team. thanks for the feedback team. kk team. hate this team bullshit.

my favorite OBVIOUSLY is the SLOTH who takes ALL DAY to SLooooooowwwwllllyyy type the one message “great job team!” That was some truly creative thinking right there, give that person a bonus.

My IT Recruiter apparently doesnt know how to do Blind Carbon Copies, and one of the Blacks she sent the mass message to doesn’t know how to use reply vs reply all, hahahaha.

well maybe they do, and they both screwed up just once. I screwed up all the time and looked like an idiot all the time, where I just wanted to cry and say  “IM NOT THIS STUPID!!! I SWEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!” but no one would believe me.

well the recruiter has done it twice though.

and how do you find out about blind carbon copy unless somebody SHOWS you?

you think outside of the box and say “what if.” is there a way to send emails without everyone seeing everyone elses address? then search google in your free time, and find that BCC is a way to do this. I think. I’m not even sure that it is.

this simple article probably could have prevented the problem she is having which she is not even aware of hahaha.

i guarantee a more senior person in the office would NOT train her on this. she has to think of it on her own initiative. and she clearly does not have that kind of obsessive compulsive curiosity hahahaha.

I dunno. Some initiative is reasonable, but some is just too much. then you start asking Dumb Questions in your groping for Unknown Unknowns. but you can’t ask questions to people at your job, that’s time wasting and your dum. so you try to research these questions on your own. and hope you can find information on the internet to clearly answer them for you.

the obvious answer is to pay a consultant/expert/SME OUTSIDE of your work to train you and teach you. but again they can’t teach you things about your job or its policies. they could very well give you a good big picture which will help you though. so go spend entire paychex on an outside consultant to train you for your job. because you dont want to look like an idiot and get fired by your own company.

HOW DO NORMIES DO THIS? why are there no articles on the whole internet about this?

because normies dont do it like this!

how do you toughen up?

go through tons of hard shit?

I have gone through hard shit but it seems to make me WEAKER. what doesnt kill me makes me WEAKER.

do you visualize real tough unpleasant stuff till you get desensitized to it?

I have seen shock vidyas that would give most normies ptsd!!!  stuff like 3 guys 1 hammer, which about 4 or 5 years ago taught me, i dont WANT to see stuff like this any more. this is HORRIBLE. Whatever curiosity i had in shock videos was OVER. thank GOD. then recently I saw an animal crush/torture video on accident and I was horrified for like 2 straight days.

you dont need to watch animal crush videos over and over again to desensitize yourself to tuff stuff! in fact, that will do much more harm than good! much more!

ok so horrible real violence videos do not work either.

honestly, the best I have for you is to LIFT. lift heavy weights until your body is EXHAUSTED and they have to CARRY you out of the gym.

also running a marathon maybe. 26 miles.

I do have respect for Endurance. whats the point of sprinting 100 meters when you cant even run a mile.

Before, the idea of running a mile seemed impossible. I can do it now quite easily. WELL, its not RUNNING, its actually jogging VERY slowly, at 4.5 mph hahahahaha. thats not even JOGGING. REAL tough guys would RUN at 10+ mph.

but I would rather slow jog at 4.5 for 1 or 1.5 miles. yesterday i said 1 mile wasnt enough, lets do 1.5. that was better. I think 2 miles is gonna be the minimum to Become Tough and Reduce Stress and Anxiety and Worry.

you think SHE watches animal torture videos to Get Tuff for doing HER job? fook no! she would be scarred for life! or any of the people working there! shit! I was scarred for life a little bit just seeing 10 seconds of it!

there was this other horrible thing called “dissection chan” where a morgue worker got a pretty young dead girl one day, and cut her up and disemboweled her in a very wanton over the top way, and took pictures of his gruesome artwork and put them on the internet. yep I saw those too. never again! i think he was quite rightfully convicted of corpse desecration or something like that. at least that is still a crime hahaha.

love and loss. is it really better to have loved and lost than never loved at all? i mean its nice to know i was capable of luv. sure thats nice. but overall i dont think its worth it. so im capable of love. well now that capability is DESTROYED. I can never luv again. this is it. she was the last one. I will never find a woman better than her.

of course, i’ve said that every single time!

and i think that getting a real gf and having a real rel is some MAGICAL thing, when they say it really isn’t.

what do you mean it isn’t???!?!?!?!

well then I want to try to prove or disprove that. give me a god damn chance to prove or disprove it. yes I KNOW it cant FIX you internally. but I have a hypothesis that it can HELP A LOT!!!!!!!!!

if I had gotten with her, it would have HELPED A LOT!!!!!

she was a big motivator for me. just seeing her and being with her and talking to her and spending time with her was a BIG FOOKIN MOTIVATOR that I couldnt GET anywhere else. Not making 15 DAH, not in Exercising or slow jogging 2 miles!!!! not in music.

the closest I could get is MJ, and White Nationalism, hahahahahaha. And MJ is degenerate.



sheeeeeeeeit. had some nyquil last night, never take more than a 70% dose, so got a lot of good sleep. thank god. praise be unto him.

had a weird dream but it didnt involve HER thank god. were watching the latest “lars von trier” movie which is dream code for something really weird and shocking. and it was. a bunch of shocking sex and fetish and violence stuff. like a 4 hour movie composed entirely of LVT’s most shocking and degen scenes. basically “torture porn” hahaha. something about a rich powerful american psycho like psychopath slowly K”ing a woman with a ridiculously long chainsaw, all protrayed as a very artsy movie.

now, LVT is not THIS bad. he pushes the limits and is much more degen than i would like him to be, but i cant say these dreams represent the reality of his filmmaking.

although i stopped watching “nymphomaniac” halfway through because i was disappointed such a good director as LVT had to keep being more and more degenerate.

the “TRUMPENFUHRER” today retweeted an official shitlord by the name of “whitegenocide” and within minutes everyone had noticed. and like 4 hours later the official trump tweet is still up there. it includes @whitegenocidetm right in the tweet, so its not like a user whose Racially Aware Shitlordiness was kinda subtle. its basically right in the username. this is the type of stuff The Mainstream would want to shy away from, and which they would quickly delete and give a public apology for, saying that some young untrained intern made the retweet without taking 1 minute to vet the original tweeter for Evil Racism!

of course its bee

on on WaPo too, it became a big tweet of the day. it has been up on his twitter for 6 hours now, still up there. i would be surprised if he just left it up there and did not comment on it.

hehehe there are some “basic” trump supporters who are following the same hite genocide tweeter just because they think he is pro trump, who would probably be horrified by all the racist stuff.

i know a few months ago trump RT’d a Racist re some Crime Statistics, then later i think trump sort of apologized or blamed it on an Intern, and deleted the tweet/RT. thinking something similar might happen here. i just like seeing white memes get mainstream media attention. a wapo article mentioning kmac or richard spencer or jared taylor is not an unheard of thing in 2015/2016.

anyway. its so stupid how people can hurt others the way they do. its stupid im so sensitive to this. that i feel the world is kicking my ass rather than me going out and kicking the worlds ass. certainly a result of coddling and spoiling by a well intentioned fam. i hate being SPOILED and WEAK hahahaha.

also it makes the movement i associate with, not want to associate with ME. it makes NO ONE want to associate with me. NO ONE – movements, women, jobs, clients, contacts, friends, colleagues, leaders, followers, supporters – wants to associate with neet losers hahahaha.


welp looks like it has been at least 100 days since i last looked at pron whatsoever. actually i GUARANTEE it was at LEAST 115 days, but i took an ULTRA conservative estimate.

did i link to this thread yet? always a decent one

haw haw haw

anyway i just dont like that she treated me like i was WORTHLESS to her. i meant NOTHING to her. i was just some randome stranger to her. it didnt mean anything to her to lose me, it mean everything to me ot lose her.

when thats not the case. i wasnt a randome stranger. there was a time when she expressed trust and closeness to me and by that time we had already known each other for 1.5 years. at out peak probably. by that time we were well in the midst of a longterm rel (ie, a real friendship) and things were going very well. it felt good to know i was important to this woman. i felt real loyalty from her. having that wither and die is hardcore. “just because” i got feelings towards her and tried to express them.

come on. i KNOW i meant something to you. at least be upset about the end. even when i was HER age i would have known better than this. well……at her age i was drinking a LOT. i might have avoided a confrontation and just kept drinking and avoiding. hard to say. i certainly didnt have any women in luv with me when i was that age, or ever!

i dunno. i like to think i would have still responded with a damn email at least.

or maybe i would have gotten scared and just deleted emails.

when i was that age and drinking i would avoid shit. i would sometimes not even look at my email for days because i was afraid somebody might email me. and if they did i would just delete it. but it didnt do that a lot. and never for friends or women, but i think skool related responsibilities sometimes hahahaha.

classic shirker and avoider ahahaha.

heh. i should begged harder on the issue of please have your mom or a mutual friend respond to me for you hahahaha.

anyway. point is, though my luv for her was all in my head, the importance of the rel was not all in my head. for a while she was rather connected to me, signif invested in me, she knew it, i knew it, and it felt like throwing me away like i meant nothing to her was a REPUDIATION of how much i once meant to her!!!!!!!

had a pizzafest at 10 pm during rare social get together with old friend. 4 pieces of pizza, some cheesy bread, a can of coke. leading me to be ONE THOUSAND calories about my 1200 daily goal. i have now moved the goalposts back up to 1560 hahahah. sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit.

anyway. yeah. it wasnt all in my imagination. it wasnt all a fantasy. we had a real, established rel. i didnt expect her to just walk out of it. give me an ULTIMATUM at least. this is exactly the type of drastic measure you implement AFTER an ultimatum is given, and broken. not something you SPRING on someone when you are also giving MIXED SIGNALS. to someone you knew for YEARS. who once actually meant something to you.

the whole thing is the biggest mindfook i have ever EVER experienced. EVER.

yeah i was a degenerate. i dont deserve much in terms of women. i prob didnt deserve HER: a young, nonugly, solid 7 white gurl with no kids and low number. the only things that brought her down were no father and been with 1 nonwhite. these were “concessions” i was MORE than willing to make, given my own lowass mate value: underemployed loser who never reached potential, short, old, balding, slightly overweight, low energy, omega niceguy, shy, introverted, nervous, neurotic, nebbish. the only things i got going for me is i dont have an ugly face, and i am a pretty nice guy to the people around me.

even at my most degenerate youth, i always appreciated people and tried to treat them well. i did not regard them as disposable and replaceable. i never wanted to just Crush Pvssy, I wanted to Crvsh Monogamous Pvssy in the confines of a committed Rel. even as I was watching tons of degen pr0n, partaking tons degen MJ, drinking tons of degen alcohol, parroting tons of degen leftist propaganda. i think really i was just looking to FIT IN and make friends and be part of a group and not be isolated and lonely.

i was a degen race mixer with my pseudodating, one of the girls was J’ish. but at age 21 i didnt understand how nonwhite J’s were. she LOOKED white, her skin was whiter than mine, and she was young and cute as hell. Uncle Al 1488 would have approved. Zyklon Ben “Montana Merchant Mangler” Garrison would have approved!!!

back then i thought J’s were Just A Religion. and the gurl was cute as hell and whiter than me! my first thought was that she was a Celtic White! i had no IDEA J’s could look like that; I’d seen some Js who looked pretty J00ey but she was not one of them.

anyway i dont really regret it. what i wanted with her was a nondegenerate thing. i got feelings for her too quick, but they were legit feelings. i didnt really know her though, i just had an illusion of her. but still my feelings were real and i was ready to Commit to her and have an old fashioned Rel. you can guess how she felt about that!

i always tried to treat people good, and never screw them over, never do them wrong. never be mean or nasty or sell them out or do them wrong. regarding real actual women, i wanted trad rels with them, not to get as many “notches” as possible. i cared about quality not quantity. K selected haha. this is all very good and non degen, the least degen thing about me, as i had a muh dick, muh feelz attitude about everything else: substance abuse, pr0nography. i watched the pr0nography because i was still horny. now when i was with the gurls i had no desire to look at the pron. i didnt understand guys with GFs who STILL looked at pron.

the point im trying to make is, even at my most degenerate, i just didnt have it in me to screw people over and do them wrong. that’s probably a good thing!

and when people screwed me over, i just couldnt understand how people could do that. couldnt they treat me a LITTLE better?  and i people around me behaving even WORSE! i never got any ridiculously BIG screwjobs.

even NOW i can still rationalize why she “screwed” me: path of least resistance.

but really. its really bad karma to hurt someone this bad. so it WOULD be in her interest to apologize. because she supposedly cared about karma.

see i am trying to talk back to the inner voice Of Her which says, “its YOUR FAULT you were so devastated, because this was ALL IN YOUR HEAD.”

yeah, the LUV was in my head. but apart from that, Our Friendship PRIOR to the luv was MUTUALLY VALUABLE AND IMPORTANT and therefore would be painful to BOTH of us to lose.

well the explanation there, is, during the 10 months i was being WEIRD, she was disengaging and preparing for the end in her mind. essentially ending her involvement in the rel, gradually “moving out.” so by the time she was gone…..she was ready to be gone.

still. communicating an ultimatum for ultimatum type actions WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE.

shit. might go to gym for a little bit.


yeah eating food late at night, well not even LATE, but after like 9 pm, is a recipe for degenerate fatness. one of many big risks.  pizza, food in the evening, easting too large of portions, peanut butter, deep fried stuff with a crispy coating like fried chikun hahaha, french fries. potatoes. soda pop. donuts. well didnt we always know these things were a slippery slope hahaha. but yeah the other night i went liek 1000 calories over by essentially eating a Large Meal at 10 pm. 4 slices of pizza, some cheesy bread, and a coke. holy shit. the slices of pizza were not super huge, any normal man could eat 4 of them if he were a bit hungry. but yeah that was potentially catastrophic. good thing in the surrounding days i was pretty under, to make up for that overage.

basically act like the trumpenfuhrer at all times. he is the worlds most confident alpha man. just ask yourself WWDTD. with his attitude and confidence and occasional cockiness and arrogance he is the perfect role model for all men. dominate or be dominated. show no weakness. make no apologies. never back down.

the trumpenfuhrer does not drink. he is in tip top health. really there has never been such a charismatic and compelling repub candidate in my lifetime. maybe reagan but i cant even say, i was a small child when reagan left office. the don BTFOs a weak weirdo like mitt the titt from 2012. i can only compare the fervor to what was seen in 2008 when barry obongo had his own cult of personality. and now DT is his own cult of personality, kind of the total anti obongo.

heh.funny. j00ish gurls j00ed me over LESS than a white gurl.

i will never make sense of it. well i guess i did. she was cowardly, weak, and immature. maybe our friendship meant something to her but she was too cowardly to do the right thing, because the right thing is not always the easy thing. she was a classic confrontation avoider, i can understand that. i am kinda the same way. also she is not a good dumper. this how how she dumps guys. unlike most gurls, she was more used to being dumped than doing the dumping. i thought this would make her a more sympathetic dumper. and help her empathize with me and men in general, as we are more often dumped than the dumper in any given rel.

but would it really be worthwhile to contact her NOW and push her again for “better karma?” it prob wouldnt work. i just want her back anyway. if she responded i would contact again and again, wanting more and more, and then she would stop responding again and i would feel like a psycho idiot.

also i would find it hard to be satisfied by an apology that i basically had to ask for. no. they have to feel guilty enough on their own and not just apologize as a way to shut me up and appease me.

so you can have luv for someone you dont really know. if they are cute young gurl and they are getting physical with you and pseudodating. the chemicals can start activating, and IMHO that is as it should be. you should not take these chemicals lightly and abuse them with Promiscuity and Nonmonogamy. i was willing to do something long term and monogamous with those women. but they were not willing. they just wanted to have chill fun.

so i liked being friends with a woman, it was a real relationship where you know the person, not a damn charade filled with misunderstandings and illusions. hahahaha although it certainly ended in that way.

“dear” person,

why u do me like that. come on. you can do better than that. i know youre not a horrible person. so just try to treat me with some kindness here in the final moments. yes i admit i was not the smoothest. yes i admit i should have told you months earlier. i was making big hints and trying to hang out with you. i always thought we would eventually hang out, and thats when i planned to tell you. i didnt think work was the right place to tell you. but by god did i give you hints and signals, because i didnt like holding this secret in. i didnt want to hide it. i didnt want to cover it or deny it or lie about it. i wanted to get it out in the open and deal with it, which would prob mean the end of our friendship, but it didnt have to end in a bad way. its ending in a bad way now. just meet with me and have a conversation like someone who cared about me. you used to care about me. i just feel worthless the way you treated me like a piece of garbage, when not too long ago you used to care about me and value me as a good friend. i appreciated that and appreciated you. i know me giving you hints made you feel weird and distance yourself from me. however my feelings werent going to go away, thats why i wanted to discuss it openly and not have to give hints. finally i told you straight up. and i really wish you had responded to that even to just say sorry i dont feel the same way but i appreciated our friendship. its really important to me that you admit that our friendship was worth something to you. i know it was in the past, and i know things were strained recently, but i didnt think you were gonna pull the plug like that. at least give me an ultimatum first. i know its hard and awkward and confrontations are never fun. but i never meant you any harm. i only wanted the best for you. i was willing to be there for you during the ups and downs of your life. i wasnt trying to hurt or control or abuse or manipulate you. i didnt want to change you. i just wish you felt those feelings to me, but you dont, and i can accept that. i cant accept the WAY you chose to communicate that to me, namely through this blocking, ignoring, silent treatment, ghosting, whatever you wanna call it. it really really hurts a lot more than a conversation would have. even an email. just send me an email. think about how you would want to be dumped by someone you cared for, who didnt return those feelings. would you want them to do THIS to you? just send me an email. tell me our previous friendship meant something, and that I meant something. you dont treat people like this when they MEAN something to you. im sad our friendship has to end too. i didnt intentionally decide to get feelings when i did. it just happened, and at a pretty bad time too. when you get feelings for someone, does it always make sense or happen at the best time? also i wasnt trying to win your trust as part of some long con. I was genuinely your friend and I was very thankful to have a friend where we both knew and respected each other and earned each others trust. it was only AFTER that that I changed, my feelings changed. yes this complicates things but i can’t blame myself for getting the feelings. the feelings arent the problem, its how we deal with them. we have to deal with them better. we have to talk about this. its appropriate that our friendship ends, but it shouldnt end this horribly. treat it as a funeral for a good friend, rather than throwing a traitor in a ditch. i dont feel i betrayed you. this is just a huge misunderstanding. yes things have to end, because i have feelings and you dont. but lets end it with as little pain and suffering and hard feelings as possible. right now i am feeling great pain because i feel you threw me away like garbage, and i wish we could just talk about it and smooth things over, so that we both remember each other better, rather than betrayers and abandoners.

heheheheh end of daily letter to person.

basically i think in a “good” dumping you wont have anything left you want to say to the person. youve said it all and theyve listened to it all. you agree to disagree. you say, welp, i wish you werent dumping me, but at least we understand each other. its ok that you reject me, just try to reject me with less brutality and disrespect. respect the sanctity of my human life and the pain i feel. or you cant, because so many people have no respect for human life. they screw and j00 people, they cheat people, they cheat on people, they abandon and abuse and abort and raep and murder and beat.

apparently with some mortgage companies, they dont let you pay more than your monthly payment, like if you wanted to pay it off early and reduce the interest you were accruing. they put the excess amount in ESCROW where it does NOTHING, does not accrue interest of its own, and then just take it out next month. this way you get CHARGED all the interest you “deserve” hahahaha.

normally if someone has a bad breakup you just say, forget about that btich, you were too good for her, forget about her, shes a piece of shit, you dont WANT her in your life. yeah well but i DO want her in my life. and shes not a shitty person, shes just so misguided and has misunderstood so bad and done something pretty bad to me, but morally speaking, its nowhere NEAR as bad as cheating. its a LOT easier to not cheat, as to not avoid responsibility. i almost wish she HAD cheated. but then we would have had to have dated, which we never did.

hahahaha i never dated a woman long enough for her to be ABLE to cheat on me. so when they did shady things with other guys, they had plausable deniability: i wasnt CHEATING, we didnt HAVE a monog rel!!!!!

really the only thing i can do is just forget about it, put it behind me. kinda hard to do. she was just that important to me.

i am not the bad guy just because i got feelings for her! luv is never wrong hahaha luv is luv. like when men luv 5 year old boys. luv is luv hahahahahahahaha luv equality hahahaha.

well this was simply an adult man falling in luv with an adult woman who he gradually had built up a good friendship with. then it turned into something more. if anything this makes PERFECT SENSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so there.

fook. just turn it back on them. how would THEY feel if THEY had feelings for somebody, who then harshly dumped them, and said, well you dont GET to be upset, because this is not Real Luv, because only YOU have the luv, its one sided, its all in your head. the bitch would go crazy!!!!!!! just like me!!!!!!

its basically a way of saying your feelings arent real. fook you, theyre real as fook.

this is easier for the other person to pull on you when they never luved you. then they get to say, im sorry your hurting, but you really fell in luv TOO QUICKLY.

or they dont say im sorry youre hurting at all hahahaha. but hate you and shun you for the crime of falling in luv.

i mean i have no interest in meeting other women. but if some young cute gurl were readily available to me, i would bang her. but thats quite a lot to ask.

even the nihilist degenerates at BUZZFEED give OKAY advice on how to dump somebody the right way. oh i would have loved that!

but the idea of a TOXIC relationship, and an ABUSIVE relationship……ok it was DEFINITELY not an ABUSIVE rel, but it WAS kinda TOXIC.

so if its TOXIC, you dont owe them anything? if its toxic, its all THEIR fault? it takes TWO to make it toxic. i was trying to make it LESS toxic. she made it MORE toxic by being a damn STONE WALL.

difference between toxic and abusive relationship hahahaha

i mean i wanted the best for her, i didnt want to control her!!!!!!!!!! i didnt want to hurt her!!!!!!! however i also didnt want to her to leave me!!!!!! however i knew that i couldnt stop her either.

heh. i think history will bear out that i was the Good Guy who got WRonged here, but i am still too close to it, at a mere 6 months out, to be able to tell hahahaha. but in a year or 2 years i will just look back and shake my head and say damn she really fooked up. a lot more than I did.

i mean sheeeit. you can just write me something and say this is the last contact youre going to get from me, i will not respond ever again, but im sorry, i appreciate that this hurts you, im sorry, its not your fault, dont blame yourself for this, its me not you, but we are done because i cannot luv you the way you luv me and therefore it cannot be a healthy rel for you. you deserve to be with someone who luvs you too. dont blame yourself for this. i will not respond if you contact me. sorry. send email. have your MOM send the email from guerrilla mail. click on this link in this to indicate you received and read the email.

heh. usually the “bad guy” is the one who feels LESS pain. abusers get away with their abuse and the victim blames themself. not that i WANT to be a VICTIM, but i kinda want to be the victim here rather than THE BAD GUY.

18? only 18 hahahaha why not 900000000000000000000000 types of women most likely to cheat. come ON. are there really 18 DIFFERENT KINDS of female cheaters? i think what they mean are, heres 18 of 900000000000 possible red flags for cheating.

a better title would be, “75% of women aged 20-30 are cheaters.” or 51%. or whatever. something that actually tells you something useful.

is he cheating on you – 829 telltale signs. by the same author. i am not makign this up.

so basically you can get paranoid because EVERYTHING is a sign they are cheating. theyre too nice to you. theyre not nice enough.  but yeah most/all of those red flags were valid.

hehe some quoted items from that

Q16. When you ask for a time out or don’t want to talk about something anymore, does the person keep badgering you to engage?

i was the badgerer. but she didnt want to talk about it AT ALL and was AVOIDING talking about it EVER!!!!!!

Q24. When you try to talk with the person about something that’s bothering you, do you end up feeling like the trouble is your fault?

absolteluy hahahaha.

Q23. Are you emotionally devastated when the person is upset with you or doesn’t want to be in relationship with you?

exremely hahaha

Q9. When you share your thoughts and feelings about something important to you, does the person ignore, make fun of, or dismiss you?

ignore and dismiss

Q15. Does the person pout or withdraw from you for extended periods of time when he/she is angry or upset with you?

super duper extremely extended periods of time!!!!!!!

Q27. Do you feel loved and cared for in the relationship?

at the end, nope not at all!!!!!!

so verdict is it was minorly toxic
Q29. Does the person show interest in you and your needs?

near the end, absolutely not.

Q30. Are you able to express your honest thoughts and feelings with the person?

they refuse to meet for a bigboy conversation

Q31. When the person does something wrong, does he/she admit it and take responsibility for it?

oh lord i wish she did. hahaah

You scored 19, on a scale of 0 to 62. Here’s how to interpret your score:

11 – 25
In some ways your relationship is unhealthy and destructive. All healthy relationships require mutual caring, mutual honesty and mutual respect to flourish. Your relationship lacks some or all of these elements. Whether you are the victim or perpetrator, changing this pattern begins with you. Ask yourself what is your part? For example if you’re a repeated victim, why have you allowed yourself to be treated in this way? Get some support to make changes. It’s too hard to do it alone.


and when i tried to assert myself by saying hey here is the deal, she responded by cutting me off entirely. so. i guess that explains that!


ok so the red line is 1560 calories. the NCC is so low because of muh exercise and burning off 800-900 calories each time. that 2220 was my Pizza Cheat Day with Eating At Night. today is jan 24 and you can see i am a little over.

i like to take one week at a time, and say, could you Lop Off the Excess on like 1/22, and distribute it to the other days of the week, and still have everything be under the red line? you should be able to eyeball it and still make a confident decision, like in this case, YES, the overages would be able to safely fit under the redline if dist to the other days. indeed, the ridic day of 1/23 being so far under, would be enough to cancel out ALL overages for the WEEK.

over the course of a month it looks like:


so, you can see that those spikes can easily “collapse into” the valleys and the whole damn thing will be under the redline of Losing 1 lb per week.

oh sorry the red line is 1570 not 1560. i LIED.

oh i cant listen to this, because its RELIGIOUS.

hmmm karamel sutra ice cream has a lot more calories than blue moon ice cream yikes.

lemme just quote this which was the category above mine from the beliefnet article:

“26 – 62
You are definitely in a destructive relationship and likely in an abusive one as well. Destructive relationships contain some or all of these five elements: 1. Physical, emotional, verbal or sexual abuse. 2. One person is regularly overprotective, overbearing and controlling toward the other. 3. One person is overdependent upon the other to affirm his or her personal value and worth, to meet most of his or her needs, and to make most of his or her decisions. 4. One person demonstrates a pattern of deceiving the other through lying, hiding, pretending, misleading, or twisting information to make something appear other than what it is. 5. One person exhibits chronic indifference, neglect, or both toward the thoughts, feelings, or well-being of the other. Start taking steps to identify your patterns in this relationship in order to invite mutual change or step back from the relationship so that you can heal. You cannot make a relationship work all by yourself. You can make it better, but you can’t fix this alone

anyway i felt like i was making all of the effort. doing all the work. doing all the giving. all the lifting. pretty sure that means that you arent the one ruining the rel.

anyway re the religious thing: i didnt see it as a matter of me forgiving her, rather i was begging forgiveness from her for the horrible crime i had done against her: getting feelings, betraying her, being PUSHY and overbearing and annoying and weird and wanting her to talk and hang out when she didnt want to talk or hang out.  so i assumed the role of Abuser and Bad Guy Wanting Forgiveness right away.

the gottman relationship checkup which you, your Partner, and your Therapist all do online

YOUR SCORE: 18 from the above site

SCORE 5 pts+
If you scored 5 points or more, you are definitely seeing warning signs and may be in an abusive relationship. Remember the most important thing is your safety — consider making a safety plan. You don’t have to deal with this alone. can help. Chat with us to learn about your different options.


Your score is 72 out of 75, suggesting that you feel a lot of compassionate love for your partner.
Your partner is lucky: You are very supportive of him or her and respond compassionately when he or she is in distress. You also seem to make a strong effort to see the world from his or her point of view. You care about enriching your partner’s life and are willing to make sacrifices so that he or she can be happy. These are skills that help you support your partner and negotiate conflicts, which should lead to a stronger, healthier, and longer-lasting relationship.

from the compassionate love quiz:

that one said i had a good relationship hahaha, totally normal and average.

i was taking the quizzes pretending like we were actually in a relationship. which kind of we were. but i guess a platonic friendship just isnt BUILT to offer the Security and Intimacy and Trust which an Intimate Relationship does, so, incorrect expectations on my part. i wanted more than she could give: luv, security, loyalty, support, openness, being able to hang out once every 2 or 3 months hahahaha.



112 days NIC (not initiate contact ie email), 146 since i last talked to hcr and shit hit fan. ok.

switching back to coffee from tea here. 6 scoops.

eli the im not sure what he is computer guy talks about getting in good Mental Health, a decent talk from a charismatic guy who has given me better training than my tech-related job, and is a great resource when you are thrown to the wolves in a tech related job and have no idea what you are doing.

but yeah he is an energetic “aspie” who does not seem to be affected by despair or anxiety, he is just on a different level. but i say take the big pharma plutocrat poison if it helps you even a little bit.

but his wife got cancer at a young age and thankfully they apparently had the insurance to deal with that. i would just give up! but now she cannot have children, and eli always wanted children, so this is a big deal for him. for them! maybe she really wanted children too! why wouldnt she? most women probably want children and i cant blame them! its very natural!

anyway now he is turning down work so he can go hiking in the wilderness and deal with that issue hehehe.

he also drinks 80 ounces of coffee a day without shitting his pants constantly and freaking out, so i am jealous of that. i wish i could drink like 20 ounces of coffee without shitting my pants hahahaha.

heh you would think being abandoned is something men do to women more. they probably do.

im not sure shes a NARCISSIST but abandoning someone like this is a very narcissistic thing to do.

silent treatment is different than a COOLING OFF PERIOD

because after the cooling off period they eventually come back and talk to you.

i kinda wanted to let her know this was WRONG, you cant DO this to people EVER, i was DEVASTATED when she did this to me.

then i thought, well shes not gonna respond; i still wanna get together with her; still luv her; AND she might say “WELL THATS YOUR FAULT. YOU DIDNT HAVE TO BE SO HURT. DONT GET FEELINGS SO HARD AND FAST. NOT MY PROBLEM. WE DIDNT ACTUALLY DATE, YOU CLINGY NEEDY PSYCHO.”

wihtout recognizing that that is irrelevant, you still dont do this to poeple, and SHE OUGHTTA KNOW.

hehehe you outta know, i am alanis morisette.

only i am not a degenerate who sucks off guys and drinks loads in a public theatre hahahahaha

well she can prob figure out that its wrong to give someone the silent treatment like this…..

shit i might go for an outdoor walk, just for 1 hour though.

anyway the CONSENSUS of REASONABLE PEOPLE would say you dont end ANY kind of relationship, even a Friendship on the Outs, by avoidng and ignoring the other person; and especially continuing to ignore them when they BEG you to respond to the them. the consensus of common sense is, this SPEAKS VOLUMES abotu THEM, not YOU. mainly that they are a weak coward who cant face life hahahaha. they are telling you they are nowhere NEAR mature enough to be in a rel with you.


also i wanted to say that 8chan/pol moans abotu WOESY being a degenerate because of his gay past and technical Bisexuality. they just dont care that he is anti gay degeneracy and that he is probably MORE hetero than homo.


or… put the focus on the behavior: promiscuity in hetero women is way more degenerate than gay sex.

in other words, neoreactionaries are quick to condemn f4ggots as degenerate and i am sure many gays certainly are, with their glory holes and standard fook parties and g4y 4n41 fisting and such, but what about the loving nonpromiscuous monogamous gays hahahaha.

the point is, the most DANGEROUS and PREVALENT form of degeneracy is Average MOdern women SLUTTING IT UP in their 20s. this happens WAYYYYYY more and is WAYYYY more destructive than gay men being gay. theres simply not that MANY gays or gay sex.


yet women dont understand this! women, have have the BIGGER risks than men for secs, dont understand the way their own bodies work! you have to mansplain their own bodies to them! this is so frustrating and makes them seem so dumb and infantile!!!!!

shit i could be DEAD for all she knows. we might have been on the outs, but didnt she care enough about me to know if i was DEAD or not? that hurts.

i would never do this to someone. even if i wanted to break someone elses heart but couldnt. i wouldnt just break any persons heart as a substitute!

if i knew the person for 2 and half years and they were so upset they quit our mutual job, i would Reach Out to them (fook i hate that term) and say “come on. lets work this out. i dont want you to quit your job because of me. we can figure this out. lets talk about it and try to get along with each other. dont quit your job. thats a big deal. lets work together here. lets dialogue” hahahaha. ”

dont quit your job because of me, dont k yourself because of me, dont self destruct because of me hahahahahha

nope. absolutely no concern for me. like i say i could be DEAD for all she knows. would she even care?

maybe she would, maybe she wouldnt. she probably would a little but wouldnt express it even if i begged her to. then she would know i wasnt dead hahahaha.

file this under being treated humanely and respectfully,like a human being. you dont have to love me. just act like you care that im not dead.

woooaaaaahoaaaaaaaa ahm still alive whoooaaaawhoooaaaa

now i understand this song hahaha. im not dead, im still alive. same as her! heh it would hae been easier if she just K’d me. cuz damn i am still alive. i am alive as FOOK but i feel like the living dead.

slutty women are HARMFUL TO SOCIETY AS A WHOLE. makes it more chaotic and degenerate. increases fatherlessness.

male promiscuity is nothing to encourage, but female promiscuity is way more harmful. also, if we stop female promiscuity, then male promiscuity wil be stopped as a result. you cant have male promiscuity wihtout female promiscuity.

sex is something that women HAVE that men WANT. essentially sex is synonymous with Vag, NOT with P33n0r.

and WOMEN dont understand this. but they dont NEED to understand it, thats still how they operate.

its not a risk that can be removed by society. (well, it can be DISCOURAGED by society!). meaning, womens NATURAL REPORDUCTIVE ROLE is to be the CARRIER OF CHILDREN; and men are the depositers of sperm. this is the way its ALWAYS been, and its NEVER GONNA CHANGE.


so women can pretend they are the same as men and go out and fook promiscuously………that doesnt change a DAMN thing about those roles. they can STILL get pregnant, men never will. you dont even NEED to attach morality to it (although I certainly like to!!!!!!!!!) even from a totally amoral, utilitarian, total utility to society, the greater good type of standpoint, women slutting it up is NOT GOOD. and SHOULD be shamed and judged.

hahahaha maybe i am just reading the worst articles, and then the WORST sluts come out and comment on them.

maybe normal, average women DO understand this, their reproductive role, which is a fancy way of saying, women get pregnant, men impregnate them, so if youre a woman, BE EXTRA CAREFUL.

but among progressive, educated, middle class j00 york times readers……common sense is not so common.

did a 3 mile walk, 1 hour, not bad. good to do in the middle of the day hahaha. will of course go back to Fat Club later tonight.

I saw a guy at the Club i vaguely know. i know him but he doesnt know me really. he was really friendly and everybody loved him because he was awesome and nice and smart and probably a good mentor and role model.  he enjoys his job and enjoys life and was well respected at his job. instructor of business & marketing ok. he probably has an MBA, you gotta have a masterz degree to become even a part time (“adjunct”, ie 90% of all instructors) instructor.

well you say hes a loser because he is teaching at a loser college, is what people from muh oven middle class j00niversity would say. thank god i dont believe that classist crap any more hahahaha.

anyway he might recognize me if i went up to him, but i have been avoiding him, because i would say, welp, i left old job 2 years ago, then went to a higher paying “better” job, but i quit that because i am mentally unstable and couldnt handle it, and now am at rock bottom and have no goals and no prospects, who would hire a loser like me, all jobs suck, and mah medz and shrink arent really working hahahahaha.

but he was the nicest guy. i couldnt believe someone could be successful and respected, without being a cutthroat asshole. and his area was BUSINESS of all things. well, marketing. but marketing is business hahahaha.

interesting article on the Value Of Work hahahaha

well i started a job at age 16  but it was an easy job and i didnt learn much about life and did not get tough or masculine hahaha. i almost wish i had been Forced to work fast food, retail, restaurant, or really a honest mans manual labor job like carpenter or mason or something.

it really does NOT feel good to be a huge loser!

shit when will i ever make 15 bucks an hour again. cant believe i couldnt handle a woman.

couldnt handle my EMOTIONS. 30+ years old and cant handle my emotions!

well better go back to fatclub.


oh when will those bigoted white males ever learn: punching UP is funny. punching DOWN is NOT funny. NOT ok. talk abotu missing the point.

2 minute exaholics video about your partner just vanishing without a word. nothing new here but its always good to hear other people say it: its their fault not yours hahaha.

ghosting, narcissists, decent vidya by a female TheRapist/AnalRapist hahahaha. no i liked this video and dont mean to make fun of her. even if she is probably a feminist lesbian hippie, not usually my preferred type of person hahaha.

but shes got a lot of videos about narcissists and rels, so i subbed hahahaha.

hehehe maybe i was the narcissist because i didnt want her to abandon me hahahaha.

in order to not be a narcissist, you have to want your loved ones to abandon youhahahaha

heh i think near the end she was really showing some Narcissistic traits like Blameshifting and Avoiding but i dont think she was a real narcissist. she was under a lot of stress and was completely emotionally unavailable to me and acted in some narcissistic ways at that time. but when things were good, she was so kind and caring and selfless she could not possibly be a real narcissist. but i wish she was better at communicating with me. you can be stressed and emotionally unavail, and still communicate.

she communicated with others. but she was invested in them, she loved them.


she could have still communicated with me even if she was not in love with me.

write an email perhaps. or one text hahahaha. or have her family or friends contact me and say shes sorry about all this.

113 days since IC ahahah. initiating contact. days NIC. 147 days since i talked to her. maybe 145 days since ive SEEN her hahaha.

she didnt always give me the silent treatment. she was just distant and made excuses not to hang out, but she still talked to me and was someone nice to me. when she started giving the official silent treatment, i totally lost it immediately. i snapped.

i guess if it were a real cooling off period, she would have eventually responded to my emails, or responded to that one after 1 month of not seeing her.

but yeah it wasnt always silent treatment. once silent treatment started, i FLIPPED OUT IMMEDIATELY. that sucked. wish i hadnt done that.

i didnt really like this one cuz she blamed the man for “forcing” his wife to become distant and kiss another man. and she thinks that silent tretment occurs because you are CRITICIZING them and they dont like it so they give you silent treatment.

i dont think i was criticizing, i was just saying im worried, we dont communicate, we dont hang out, i dont want us to be distant, i dont want to lose you, please lets work on this.

i wanted to talk, she didnt want to talk.

i wanted to try to work on the rel, she didnt want to try.


what, do i just say, ok i’ll manage my expectations, and no longer want you to talk about problems.

theres no middle ground here. either you talk, even a litle bit, or you dont.

i guess talking a LITTLE BIT would be the compromise. because then you could have a short, shitty talk which doesnt get to the root of the problem, then she can say OK I TALKED, YOU HAPPY????? and you would say no because it was a short shitty talk that didnt address anything. which probably would be the type of talk we would have had.

this is why i like writing emails, because you can say everything you want to say. of course they dont have to read or respond to everything! they can ignore the more important things! like when i sandwiched important things in with small talk. she would respond ONLY to the small talk and ignore the big talk. and these were not long emails, they were just little chats at work.

obsess abotu woman during the day, obsess abotu jobs and jow useless and skillless and valueless i am durng the other parts of the day. never get a job for an adult man. if i do, not be TOUGH enough to WITHSTAND, and quit like a sensitive phaggy weak millennial sissy whos afraid of work.

did a 3 miler in the cold, try to to a 7-8 miler later tonight at fatclub.

anyway i dont think she is a true narcissist. the 2 gurls i psuedodated were more narcissistic, although they caused me less hurt (in the long run hahaha) and dumped me nicer.

she was taking a page from the narcissists cookbook, ie silent treatment and stonewalling and passive aggressive and ghosting are definitely typical textbook classic narcissist things. but i honestly dont think she was a narcissist, as much as she was overwhelmed and cowardly and Avoidant.

so shes very close with her mom. she could have her MOM email or text me. i would accept that as an apology.

but shes probably convinced her mom that i am as big of a creep as her deadbeat father hahahaha.

abandonment issues. i dont get the hate. PEOPLE HAVE ABANDONMENT ISSUES BECAUSE ABANDONMENT IS HORRIBLY PAINFUL. you are RIGHT to have an issue about it. it sucks and shouldnt be held against someone. unless it’s directly causing issues in your rel. like they jsut dont believe you would never abandon them, so they never trust you, and go and cheat on you hahahaha. i laugh but you know this happens a lot! you pushed me to cheat on you because i didnt trust you! even though you never did anything to show you were untrustworthy. or you did one little thing they RATIONALIZED as an excuse not to trust you. like you worked late one day! oh that settles it hes cheating on me! so its ok if i cheat on him! cuz he wasnt trustworthy!

in that case i migth mention abndonment issues as being a bad thing.

but yeah abandonment is bad and rightly causes issues.

and people need to communicate with each other to deal with issues.

anyway i just feel completely emasculated re jobs. i cant do any jobs, i cant handle the stress, i cant handle the abuse, and this is only if im LUCKY enough to get a shit job.

well fact is, I did my previous job, which was shitty, BUT there PLENTY of jobs that are just as if not more shitty, plus teh pay was not shitty.

i can see what gavin mcinnes was trying to say in that takis article above, but reading stuff like that does not boost my confidence.

what would boost my confidence is actually DOING a job like that and surviving.

basically in the current year you have to bribe your coworkers to train you how to do your job. I will pay 10 dollars for your goddam lunch if you can train me on my job during lunch. i will pay you 20 bucks if you come over after/before your shift for an hour to explain things to me and teach me things.

and this is just ridiculous. i used to study work stuff while at home so as to try to teach myself things…….but it really helps to have a teacher, just to check your work, just to give you the thumbs up and say “YEP YOURE UNDERSTANDING IT CORRECTLY.”  or, GOD WILLING, to give some god damn insight of their own, in explaining how and why.

fooking help me, tell me if im doing it right, so i can look like i know what im doing in front of the customer.

i HATE being left to look incompetent in front of a customer.

ok i took that as in a “tell me about a weakness and how you fixed it” interview question, and put it in my classic glorious interview file:

“I used to get FLUSTERED because I felt I was being left to look incompetent in front of clients, always saying, I don’t know, but let me find out for you, then put them on hold, and come back 5 to 10 minutes later with an unsatisfactory explanation. I improved this weakness by learning how to ask better questions of my callers, and also when asking for help. I needed to be detailed and clear with my level 2’s in order to get more satisfactory answers from them.  I realized the responsibility was on me: I could only get explanations that were as good as the information I supplied them. I also I would go back and study the case and the relevant documentation after my shift so that I understood the issue and its impacted systems, fully, before the start of my next shift. ”

shit bitch. hahahaha. beat that. bribe bitches to train you on your job. because you cant ask questions abotu your job during your shift, because youre supposed to be doing your job. and you cant ask questions of other people during their shifts, cuz theyre supposed to be doing THEIR job. not TRAINING you hahahaha.

i would be and i HAVE BEEN a great TRAINER in the past. I would HELP people, i was HAPPY to help people, cuz i know how I needed help, and i appreciated the help i got, and i knew how hard good help was to get, but it didnt ahve to be that way. so i gave great help quite a bit. people would go to the official help channels and get crapped on or ignored or led astray. i would say just do this, and just tell them this, this is the bullshit article to use which supposedly explains it, but it doesnt, so just come up with a bullshit story inspired by this article.

well sometimes people were tired or moody or tired of answering phones for 60 hours a week and could not create a bullshit story on the fly.

this wasnt a mind numbing thing where you could just turn you mind off for 8, 10, 12 hours a day. your mind had to be switched ON, and then when you survived to the end of a shift, you wanted to OBLITERATE your mind with drugs and alcohol, because it was spinning with trying to make sense out of stupid technical problems.

it was like doing hard math problems all day, on stuff you didnt really know, but your callers thought you should know, with shitty help, and no one was willing or able to check your work, so you were never sure you did shit right, until they called back and said the shit was broken again, but you would not get that call, and it would be impossible to prove if you didnt do the shit right, OR the shit just broke again, OR if it was different shit breaking but they thought it was the same.

this is the shit i found myself in because of her hahahaha.  i never would have been in that stupid job because of her.

BUT OTOH, she Helped Me Grow, because i really needed a new, more serious job. and she arguably pushed me out of my comfort zone, helped me improve as a person. helped me grow.

then pulled the rug from underneath me.

i dont necessarily regret the job. i regret meeting her hahahaha. but the job did teach me good skills. but what good are the skills if they dont help me get hired?

or if you can only get a worse job.

dat feel when you are moving down in your career over time hahahaha. i just threw away at least 8 years of my life. now i am about 15 years behind people of my age hahahahahahaha but its true haha.

well maybe only 12 or so. but at least 10 o god. not a good feel!

thats why i like women that are at least 8 years younger !

i did find a woman who is 39 or 40 who is very attractive. she aged very well. i wont say her name but she is a not quite yet internet famous writer. but she really should be married and have at least 3 kids by now. at age 39 and 40…..i mean you cant even have healthy kids with that, which makes me sad for her. she might have been a good mother. but seriously why ISNT she married with kids? which makes me think she might be a little CRAY CRAY. dumping guys, sabotaging rels, a little chad carousel mayhaps. doesn’t matter if she has some hawt right-wing views.

but yeah i would bury myself so deep in her that who ever could pull me out would be crowned king arthur hahahaha.

same as with That Woman. BECAUSE I loved her above all other women, therefore I also wanted to bang her more than any other woman!

are you ALL IN, or only 60% in?

are you 100% sure you want them and only them? or only 50%?

ask yourself these questions. i was 100% in for her.

its fine that she wasnt in even 1% for me. SHE COULDA BEEN NICER. SHE COULDA TAKEN FIVE MINUTES TO WRITE A NOTE: sorry this isnt gonna work out, i cant do this, youre a good person, i appreciate our friendship, but i cant go forward the way you want. im sorry. i give you my best wishes.

just 2 sentences would have saved me MONTHS of pain. easily.

talk about a return on investment!!!

maybe IM a narcissist! i AM pretty selfish i admit, but i HOPE im not a narcissist!

heh according to the one question narcissist test, i am. hahaha but that is bullshit.

Quiz: Are You A Narcissist?

on this quiz i got way below average. and average was below narcissist.

wow a shitty article by hip millennial feminist laurie penny on the rape accusations on hip millennial feminist degenerate porn actor james deen being a rapist, is current the NUMBER ONE article on hahaha.

once laurie penny responded directly to millennial woes, who is teased cuz he wants to bang her, she told him no youre not my type hahahaha;  and once millennial woes responded directly to me when i first discovered him over a year ago and said good work lad and he said thank you to me.

this means i am famous hahahaha i am a narcissist.

well MW is a handsome man and laurie penny is an ugly “MUNTER” so she should be greatful. well shes not as ugly as lena dunham. so i am desperate enough that i would bang laurie penny. consensually of course hahaha. no im not a fooking RAPIST and i REFUSE men are as bad as these feminist COWS say we are!

anyway her star is on the rise and she is about as big as a young “journalist” can be. and her stuff is absolute poison. she is already in the middle class mainstream and i can see the Smarter College Gurls really loving her and her babykilling bullshit hahahaha. i wasted 10 minutes reading her twitter and was poisoned by bullshit and degeneracy hahaha.

well THAT WOMAN was not a disgusting feminist like this. i dont think. i would have liked to have some deeper conversations with her about these things. i caught her reading jezebel a couple times and i mansplained to her, you know you shouldnt read that because its man hating feminist marxist poison right? its pure evil, dont read it please! she just said lol and did not respond to these specifics. i honestly think she honestly thought it was just a fun thing to read, like buzzfeed and gawker………….without realizing the HORRIBLE political and moral underpinnings of this poison. i think many Millennials do this. its just fun stuff to read for people who like reading ANY kind of news or opinion. hey at least they like to read anything, they could just do instagram and snapchat and shit all day and have no interest in the world!

like youre young and you read it cuz its hip and edgy and geared towards the young. but you dont clearly understand that its insane leftist sjw marxist degenerate poison. you dont fully understand left and right yet. or you say its all the same hahahaha. and become a gayass libertarian atheist fedora neckbeard. no. any thinking person SHOULD eventually end up on the RIGHT hahaha.

although i would be very in favor if Restricting Free Trade if it meant Making American Great Again hahahaha. and then i would get a sweet 15 DAHJ building american made tvs or some shit hahaha.

as a neoreactionary, i believe there are higher values than the economic.

such as human dignity, and nationalism hahahaha. and women not being horrible whores hahaha.

you could even be a fedora atheist and agree that WOMEN BEING PROMISCUOUS IS BAD FOR SOCIETY. it leads to increased violence; more thuggish behavior from men; more chaos and disorder and instability; more fatherlessness; more heartbreak; more broken homes and bad families and bastard kids.





yeah its just a bad ending.

she refused to work on it, refused to compromise, refused to fooking TALK.

when someone goes from liking you (at least as a person), to HATING you and just throwing you away like a subhuman, and you think they could never do that to a person, least of all you!

i hurt you with a mere -1! dont hurt me with a huge -20!!!!!!!

part of a rel ending is that they try to WORK on it before calling it quits. that really bothered me that she was not even willing to try to work on it.

ok, so she cant force herself to have feelings for me, that wasnt something she could TRY at, but we could still “work on it” in terms to trying to end it like adults, she says her thing, i say my thing, and we make sure we both understand each other fully. rather than me pouring myself out to her and her saying nothing and flushing me away.

well yesterday was kinda rough hahahaha. today seems better. no stupid dreams about her.

i SHOULD be a lot more angry at her. but i still remember her as this gentle kind person i love(d). yet she showed no mercy to me and my heart and me as a person. its amazing i dont hate her fooking guts. maybe that will come in time.

was i so unreasonable for wanting a talk?

no i dont think so.

but maybe i am unreasonable in thinking a talk would make things so much better.

well i think it would be faster to move on, i would go faster towards Hating Her, and it would give the certainty, like yeah she said this and means it. but she did that in a way anyway.

i guess a talk would have been easier to believe? more concrete, more real? what happened here still does not seem real. so therefore i can compartmentalise and delude myself and act like that nice gurl is still there, and this is the work of someone who doesnt know what theyre doing, and therefore they could change their mind, therefore there is still hope.

but still. i think if we had tried to work things out or tried to communicate, and then i saw that didnt work, maybe i would gradually become disillusioned with the rel, as she did, meaning i would want it to be over too, because we tried to fix it, sort of, but her heart was not fully in it, she was not committed to the fix, and then i would fall out of luv with her hahahaha yeah right.

no i would be the one committed to fixing it, she would unenthusiastically talk to me and go through the motions, the process would repeat itself and she would show her obvious lack of committment until i dumped her or she dumped me. prob the latter. because i never want to give up on somebody i luv. but she didnt luv me as much,, or at all, so, easier for her to dump.

but back in the day, she was so nice to me, i kinda thought she might LIKE me. that was probably just Feminine Niceness, but god damn it was nice. its a lot better that Feminine Coldness, which is a total 180 from the Feminine Niceness.

i mean she thinks i BETRAYED her and thats why she hates me. well shes WRONG! i didnt BETRAY her! she hates me for the wrong reasons! so thats why i constantly think if i could just contact her and make her understand why she’s WRONG, maybe then she wouldnt hate me. maybe then she could luv me hahahahaha. i mean maybe i could get her to stop hating me (not likely, she has to make that decision herself), but no way could i make her luv me!

but i still desperately hope she will change her mind.

but she’s so WRONG to HATE me! i didnt do anything worth hating! she’s WRONNNGGGGG! she has a wrong perception of the whole thing! im not trying to change her FEELINGS, im trying to change her PERCEPTION!!!!!

show me a little care and comfort and concern. all the gurls who dumped me did that, if only to cover their own ass, to not feel guilty, to say they dumped me the best they could. nobody wants to feel HATED. besides what if i were a  psycho hahahaha.

funny now i get dumped AND i feel like i am HATED. terrible feels!

is it just because shes inexperienced in dumping guys? and the only way shes ever dumped guys is when theyve wronged her and she dumps them with extreme prejudice? so even though i didnt deserve it, thats what i got, becuase shes not EXPERIENCED enough to know any better?

hahahaha well she has thousands of hours of cuddling and secs that i dont!

well dumping and thousands of hours of cuddling are 2 different things hahaha.

WELL, i would argue they;re RELATED, thru COMMUNICATION. when you spend THOUSANDS of hours cuddling with them, you SHOULD learn how to communicate with them on a deep level, to talk about important things, to speak openly and honestly, all things that will come in handy when you are trying to dump somebody without DESTROYING them.

well that guy she didnt DUMP. HE wanted out probably even more than she did!

still. DONT DEFEND HER, DONT MAKE EXCUSES for her. I know fully well how to dump someone properly even though I HAVE NEVER DONE IT. i know how just from BEING dumped, and from researching stuff on the internet, and being an EMPATH, and knowing that Dumping HURTS. so i bet i could dump somebody 90000000000000 times better than she dumped me. even though i have even LESS experience. AND no thousands of hours of cuddling either. i doubt i have 8 hours of cuddling hahahaha. and certainly not recent experience. not in the last 30% of my life hahahaha.

so she went from liking very much as a friend, to feeling betrayed, and hating me.

i went from liking as a friend, to like liking as more than a friend. and this is what caused her to feel betrayed by and hate me.

so we can clearly see she misinterpreted that, you shouldnt feel betrayed by that.

also my progression of feelings, from like to like like, was not too weird or horrible, but her progression of feelings, from liking to hating, uhhh that was kinda weird and horrible.

and it wasnt like i was just a passing acquaintance or fook buddy to her, i got the impression that i mattered a lot to her, and that we were Good Friends as opposed to just ok in passing friends.

i think she appreciated having a Good Friend, and I appreciated it too….so MUCH in fact, that my feelings got even stronger / higher. probably had to do with the fact that my Good Friend was also a Purty Young Gurl, who had recently become Single. but prob not Available hahahaha.

basically she reacted the worst way possible when finding out a male friend liked her. the absolute worst way possible. to get all butthurt and offended and mad and hateful and then react according to those feelings.

google female friend hates me for getting feelings for me

so she TRUSTED me as Just A Friend she could be SAFE around.

and i broke that TRUST. thats why she hates me.

well i didnt try to make out with her. i just wanted to talk to her about it! but i couldnt even HANG OUT with her!

yeah i should have sent her an email or text but god damn. i was sending signals that werent as blatant as forcing myself on her!!!

but she still feels i broke her TRUST. and thats a good reason to hate somebody.

she basically trusted me not to like her.

i dont think thats a reasonable trust!

well i did tell her a year prior to that that i wasnt secretly in luv with her. cuz i wasnt!

did i trust her not to like me?

not really, no! because i figured that anything can happen in man woman rels! that sometimes somebody can get feelings! and i wouldnt have hated her if she got feelings (before i did.) i CERTAINLY would have been willing to talk to her about it!

but its different for women. thats why men do not “friendzone” women. men are more threatening to women than women are to men, so thats why she TRUSTED me.

very similar situation hahahaha.

so shes cutting me off becuase she knows we cant be just friends any more, and i agree. but why not at least just tell me what you’re doing, send me some emails telling me how you feel, just like i sent you some emails telling you how i feel?

dumped by a friend for no reason. not really the same thing.

yeah i really think it was that trust issue thing. which is why i really wanted to TALK TO HER ABOUT IT.

well i should have done it a LOT SOONER. like as soon as it happened. as SOON as i was getting curious about this new boifran of hers, i should have asked her about him.

as SOON as i got feelings for her (or maybe giving it ONE WEEK, NO MORE, of thinking it over), i should have TOLD her. told her in an email because she didnt want to hang out. OR, said, i want to hang out because WE NEED TO TALK, I HAVE SOMETHING IMPORTANT I WANT TO TELL YOU.

i dont think it would have made her luv me, but maybe she wouldnt hate me so much.

i am one of those ballless beta bitchtits bitchbois who really likes the idea of “MY WIFE IS MY BEST FRIEND” hahahahaha

this is from the women, who hopefulyl dumped the guy a little better

heres one from the guys perspective, prob more useful

well both are good threads, well worth reading.


i am a big ass coward but even i can still write and send emails. I sent FOUR emails, she responded to NONE of them.

yeah i could have been better about confessing muh luv but the truth eventually came out.

if i had liked her RIGHT AWAY i would have either stayed away from her or asked her to dump her boifrand.

i just never got “friendzoned” so hard, because i never got feelings for a female friend before!!!!!

but i AMMMMMMMM Emotionally Mature enough to know that you CANT BE JUST FRIENDS when one person likes the other! so that was NEVER my intent. im not THAT stupid and weak and deluded.

but it also doesnt follow that that friendship needs to end in a hateful horrible way. have a talk, say what you need to say, both people apologize, pay respects to the relationship, and both agree it cant go on as a one sided painfest.

but you dont need to Look Back in Anger, and hate, and etc.

google should I ask for an apology

well i would like an apology, but mainly i want to get together with her. but maybe i could get it to end better.

but do i really want to talk to her if she is not apologetic? not really.


but nope, not even that.

i know email3 at least, i directly spoke to the idea of betrayal. i made it clear that i was not hiding secret feelings from the beginning. i told the timeline of how and when i started to get feelings. i said my mind was made up in october. i said that i wanted to talk in person, not at work. i said yeah its bad timing. i said yeah i should have asked you directly about the new boifran. i said yeah i should have just sent you an email in january or february telling you everything. things had changed for me and i thought it would be dishonest not to tell you about that change. thats why things have been getting weirder and weirder here. i am not trying to manipulate or lie to you. we just havent had a good chance to talk in literally 10 months.

i said i can see how you might think this is a betrayal of trust. i never wanted to hide anything.  i said all this in the emails. still no response from her.

so its obvious theres nothign more i can do. i mean, i CAN contact her again, but i am very ambivalent about that.

so she feels BETRAYED.

well believe me i didnt like holding the truth back from her! i was TRYING to talk to her. but she wouldnt let me talk!

but is that even her responsibility though? to let me talk? but she was UNCOMFORTABLE!

she was uncomfortable because she KNEW something had changed! but she didnt want to talk about it.

yeah i SHOULD have told her sooner. (i said that in the email too of course.) i pussyfooted around for a few extra months. i think feb or march i should have told her.

but i kept hoping against hope we would hang out and we could have the conversation in person. and she SORT OF strung me along there cuz she said yeah we will hang out soon.

i dunno i just think i deserved an EMAIL at least.

so i went to kmart because they have a good everlast exercise shirt. they were all out of black xl short sleeved shirts. of course! so i bought the kmart brand instead. basically i am looking for something that wont blatantly look like its soaked with sweat when it is indeed soaked with sweat. this is kind of hard to do!

but yeah kmart is a good source of everlast shirts in other words. go to kmart.

i was just trying to tell her, i didnt betray you, i didnt betray you, but she didnt want to hear it. she was convinced i betrayed her. maybe i DID betray her. put myself in her shoes. she trusted me to not get feelings for her. i got feelings for her. i told her abotu a year before i got feelings, that i didnt have feelings for her. but at that time i was telling the truth! (i mentioned this in an email too!)

so maybe im deluding myself by saying no i didnt betray you because i didnt INTEND to, i didnt THINK i was betraying you. she still FELT betrayed.

well if i had a female friend who started to get feelings for me, i wouldnt feel BERAYED, i’d want to TALK TO HER ABOUT IT FIRST. and if she swore up and down that she didnt have feelngs, but then continued to act like she had feelings, then i might feel betrayed. no, not even. id say stop bullshitting me, stop kidding YOURSELF. of COURSE you have feelings for me. just tell me about it.

if she had done any of that to me i would have said YES YES YES i have feelings for you! i have been trying to tell you for MONTHS!

google how to convince someone that you didnt betray them when they wont talk to you


so if she THINKS i betrayed her, i betrayed her?!?!?!?!?!?! even if i didnt? did I?

take it to COURT, what does the evidence say?

google did i betray someone

google how do i know if i betrayed someone

was i living a lie? was i pretending i didnt like her? i was giving a constant stream of signals, it was like blowing off steam. the signals said that i had feelings. and indeed i did! here i was being HONEST!!!!!

its kind of like i feel “betrayed” by her flushing our whole rel down the toilet and hating me. I know it wasnt quite a betrayal, it was more of a misunderstanding, and very hurtful, but it wasnt a BETRAYAL. a BETRAYAL is someone LYING or HIDING or CHEATING.

HIDING was the closest i did, and i wasnt actively hiding it, i was trying to let it out, and gave plenty of signals because i didnt WANT to hide it, i didnt WANT to betray and be dishonest.

soooo i didnt “betray” her, i just hurt her then. hurt her a lot. just like she hurt me a lot, but didnt “BETRAY” me per se.

but she totally misunderstood it to be HURT by me LIKING her! I was more within my rights to be HURT by her hatefully dumping me without a word!!!!!!!!!! thats a lot more inherently HURTFUL than your friend getting feelings for you.

but maybe this is all on me because i cant REALIZE and ADMIT how much i hurt HER. hmmmm.

yeah well i hurt her -1, she hurt me -20. come on.

and yet i still want to talk to her, she doesnt want to talk to me. cuz she felt i hurt her -20?????

yeah this is a bigass falling out.

i dont think she ever had a situation like this. a male friend who fell in love with her, then begged her to communicate with him, and she had to dump him. this is all a first for her, just like its a first for me. yeah well even i would have handled it better cause i would have sent an email saying sorry i know this must hurt, but we can never get together. so sorry. have a good life, buh bye.

rather than I HATE U FOR GETTING FEELINGS FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

all these articles are on how to deal with betrayal, not how to determine IF its betrayal or not.


” Betrayal is the breaking or violation of a presumptive contract, trust, or confidence that produces moral and psychological conflict within a relationship amongst individuals, between organizations or between individuals and organizations. Often betrayal is the act of supporting a rival group, or it is a complete break from previously decided upon or presumed norms by one party from the others.

An act of betrayal creates a signature constellation of negative behaviours, thoughts, and feelings in both its victims and its perpetrators. The interactions are complex. The victims exhibit anger and confusion, and demand atonement from the perpetrator; who in turn may experience guilt or shame, and exhibit remorse. If, after the perpetrator has exhibited remorse or apologized, the victim continues to express anger, this may in turn cause the perpetrator to become defensive, and angry in turn. Acceptance of betrayal can be exhibited if victims forego the demands of atonement and retribution; but is only demonstrated if the victims do not continue to demand apologies, repeatedly remind the perpetrator or perpetrators of the original act, or ceaselessly review the incident over and over again.[2]

Some types of betrayal in romantic relationships include sexual infidelity, conditional commitment, a nonsexual affair, lying, forming a coalition against the partner, absenteeism or coldness, withdrawal of sexual interest, disrespect, unfairness, selfishness, and breaking promises.[4] ”

in some ways, its like we both betrayed each other!

i violated the PRESUMPTIVE trust that i would never have feelings for her.

well we never established that trust! i made one remark in the past that i didnt have feelings for her at that time.  and we never had a talk where she was like “i trust you not to get feelings for me, if you do, our friendship is over” to which i probably would have said, “welp i will let you know if i ever do. whats a good code word i could use. how about i will text you CANT CLOSE THE WOES and then you will know hahahahaha.”

i was bad at initiating conversation about important topics like that…………..but she was also bad at responding to initiations to communication!!!!!!!!!!

so we were BOTH bad communicators, but i think in the end, she was EVEN WORSE. she couldnt even write A FOOKING TEXT.

mah boy gottman has a BETRAYAL METRIC. love them metrics!!!!!

gottman is wearing a “yamaka” in some vidyas hahahahaha he WOULD





oh god check this out, this new text file i am writing. ideally you should print it out and have your gurlfran fill it out, like HOMEWORK:


created Nov 24 2015

you can actually print this out as a worksheet and give it to them to fill out.

How many guys have you had sex with?

How many guys have you had “just oral sex” with?

What’s the shortest about of time you ever knew a guy before having sex?

What’s the longest amount of time?

How many sex partners would you consider “short term” or casual?

Have you ever had an open relationship?

have you ever really broken somebodys heart?

how many hearts have you broken?

Did you ever abandon somebody completely, without a word? throw them away like a piece of garbage?

do you have a good relationship with your father?

with your mother?

do you have a good family life?

have you ever cheated on a boifran? how many boifrans? have you ever cheated on one guy with SEVERAL other guys?

have you ever had interracial sex?

with what races, and how many guys of each given race? please also specify if it was a serious long term relationship or not.

what is your view on casual sex? is it more good or more bad?

what is your view on abortion? more good or bad?

have you ever had an abortion, and if so, how many?

were you ever raped?

were you ever molested?

were you raped or molested as a child or teen?

when were you first raped?

by whom?

how many people have you been raped or molested by?

have you ever been diagnosed with bipolar or borderline?

have people accused you of being bipolar, borderline, or sociopath?

what would you do if a male friend started to get feelings for you?

do you avoid communication about awkward but important things?

do you ignore problems and hope they just go away?

if your male friend gave you signals that he was starting to like you, would you ignore it, or try to talk about it? would you throw him away without a word because you considered this a betrayal?

have you ever done drugs other than alcohol or MJ? describe.

have you ever taken “sexy” photos? with how many guys? how graphic were they? try to describe as many photos as you can, and what guys they were for. if you took 20 photos during sex with one guy, no need to describe them all, just say 20 photos of this one sex session; 50 photos of another sex session, etc.

have you ever gotten drunk and had sex with a guy you just met at a bar or club or party? how many guys?

do you have any tattoos? describe the planning and decision process behind each tattoo.

whats the worst three things you’ve ever done to another person?

have you every betrayed someone? describe the worst three betrayals youve committed.

have you ever had group sex? how many times and with how many people?

do you have any sex toys? do you regularly use them?

would you describe yourself as low medium or high sex drive?

have you ever had a slut phase? how long did it last? from what ages? how many guys did you have sex with during that time?

have you ever relapsed into a second or third or fourth slut phase after a few months or years of not being a slut? basically, describe all the slut phases you’ve had.

how many serious relationships have you had?

how many unserious relationships have you had?

how many stalkers have you had? describe each briefly in one sentence.

have you ever stalked anyone. describe briefly.

have you ever had your heart broken? describe each instance.

whats your longest relationship?

whats your shortest relationship?

how many guys have you dumped without makign a serious effort to work on the realtionship, beause you just wanted it to be done now?

how many guys have you had Buttsex with? how many times? have you ever made photos or videos of it?

when did you lose your virginity?

make a timeline of all your sex partners, then write the month and year you first had sex with them.

how many times have sex partners “overlapped”?

whats the highest number of guys you had overlapping?

have you ever totally strung a guy along? how many guys? how long for each?

do you think men and women can be just friends when one person has unreturned feelings for the other?

do you have any children?

do you have any children who were adopted, or taken away by the court and put in foster care, or who live with and are supported by your relatives?

how easily can you tell if a male friend has feelings for you?

what do you do if you suspect he does?

do you keep him around in the “friendzone”?

do you talk about the issue?

how good are you at communicating?

have you ever taken the pill? how long?

how many guys have you had sex with where you didnt know them very well?

how many guys have you had sex with within 6 months of meeting them?

have you ever gotten pregnant from a man of a different race? what race? what happened to the Fetus? Abort it?

have you ever had a Inter Uterine Device contraceptive like “The Ring”? for how long?

have you ever had an Abusive Relationship? describe each instance of abuse.

Have you ever been the Abuser? describe each time.

how often to you go to The Club and Grind and Twerk with Random Strangers?

have you ever been absolutely obsessed over a guy? describe each occurrence.

what is the longest time it took you to get over someone?

have you ever dated someone while you were still getting over someone else? did that ruin the current relationship?

Have you ever gotten any kind of STD, from HPV to chlamydia?

did you Go Away To College? how many guys did you have sex with there?

do you consider yourself extraverted?

do you like to go out to parties with lots of people and drinking?

do you like to meet a lot of new people?

have you ever thought sex is no big deal, its “just sex?”

did you ever try to separate sex from emotion?

do you tend to get feelings for “bad boys”?

do you wear a lot of makeup?

do you wear makeup more days than not?

do you wear really tight clothes?

do you have any “sexy outfits” that you wear to “show off your assets?”

do you go to the gym?

what kind of clothes do you wear to the gym? do you wear extremely tight pants and then complain about creepy guys staring at you?

have you ever developed feelings for a male friend after a period of time? what happened?

has a male friend ever developed feelings for you after a period of time? what happened?

are you usually the dumper or the dumpee/dumped?

when theres problems in a relationship, do you usually dump them or do you try to work on the problems and communicate and compromise and try to fix things?

does it make sense that a guy might be awkward at sex the first time because he doesnt really know you and is not really comfortable yet? would you give him some time to see if the sex gets better?

do you understand the differences between men and women?

do you think men can get sex just as easily as women can?

is sex mainly for recreation, or for procreation?

do you take sex seriously?

have you given oral sex to a coworker in a parked car?

have you ever given oral sex to a man in a car ever?

are you kind of prudish at all?

does it take you time to get to know someone before you have sex with them?

what do you think about the “slut stud” double standard?

what do you think about the risks of sex for men vs women?

if you ever start to get feelings for me, please tell me right away. and i will do the same for you. we can even use a code word, like “CANT CLOSE THE WOES.”

do you think its offensive and a betrayal that one person in a male female friendship could one day get feelings for the other? does that make that person evil? can they control their feelings and just turn them on and off at will?

when you inevitably dump me (hahahaha), do you promise to do it in a nice way, where i get to write you several long emails, and you respond to them, and you dont throw me away like garbage, and you try to let me down gently, and affirm my humanity, and say we had a good run, and give me some cutoff sex (30 sessions), and to do something like a Dumping Fee, kind of like an Early Contract Release Fee?

(it would be funny if i used these on muh wife in muh wedding vows one day hahahaha, and it took longer than the entire ceremony just for me to interrogate her in front of the whole community hahahaha)

please give me your most checked email address. get in the habit of writing me a long email once every few months. because when we have problems and you dont want to talk about them, I will write you long emails. please respond to the serious questions raised therein.

when you have a problem in a relship, do you just ignore it and hope it goes away?

would you rather dump the guy than communicate about the problem?

do you avoid communicating about things that need to be communicated about, just because it would be awkward or uncomfortable or weird? and then just dump the guy?

did you ever continue to have sex with a guy after breaking up with him? how many guys?

how many guys have you had sex with without ever being In A Relationship with them?

were you ever the Other Woman with a guy who was cheating on his gurlfran with you? how did you rationalize it to yourself? that because you weren’t doing the cheating, it wasn’t that bad?

have you ever done something totally shitty to someone who didnt deserve it, and then blame THEM for it, saying they deserved it?

have you ever had an eating disorder? what was it, how long did it happen, how serious was it?

do you do things with long-term consequences with only short-term planning?

do you prefer to use signals or to just say things with words? signals can be fun, but i prefer to use words to clarify the signals so there is no ambiguity.

do you like when men get jealous over you?

have you ever gotten jealous? describe the top 3 or so situations.

have you ever been dumped and heartbroken? how did you react? how did you feel? did you have rebound sex with new men very quickly? did you stalk the man? did you go no contact with him, or were you always contacting the guy trying to get him to change his mind?

so now do you understand why men do the same thing when you dump them and break their hearts?

have you ever gotten “spit roasted”?

ever been with 2 or more guys at the same time?

do you have a tramp stamp?

wrist tattoos, neck tattoos, foot tattoos?

if a male friend started getting feelings for you, would you cut off all ties without even talking or emailing him? just ignore and avoid him, give him cold shoulder, or “ghosting?”

of all the people you have “ghosted”, what is the longest period of time you knew one of those people? 1 year? 2 year? 3 years? have you ever “ghosted” on a 3 year friendship while the person was begging you “please respond?”

what is your usual response to “please respond?”

do you dump a guy if everything isnt 100% perfect?

do you have a “one strike and youre out” policy?

Do you write “your” instead of “you’re”?

if a man you cared about told you to stop wearing so much makeup, stop going tanning, stop dying your hair, dont shave your pubic hair that much, would you indulge him? basically if he like a more “natural” woman, with natural hair color, natural skin tone, natural face, etc.

do you naturally tend towards this natural look without being pushed?

do you understand how it takes courage to tell someone you like them?

have you been with more than 10 guys?

have you been with more than 5 guys?

have you been with any women?

have you been with more than 3 guys?

describe the 3 most easiest cases (ie 3 different guys) where it took practically no time or effort to get sex from you. bonus points if you have never NOT made a guy wait a good long time, ie you have NEVER given it up easily.

do you shave your eyebrows into ridiculous little lines? even a unibrow would look better. just leave your eyebrows alone becase you will end up butchering them and making them look worse than a unibrow.

have you ever been paid $30000 by an arab oil sheik to go out to dubai and be made a human toilet for the sheik and 10 of his swarthy friends?

have you ever stripped? either for money, even if only for one day? or gone to Spring Break and did an Amateur Stripping thing for fun and attention?

have you ever Gone On Spring Break? (see Go Away To College)

Do you respect your fathers opinion and seek his guidance?

use your phone or something to make a recording of you answering all these questions verbally. this is easier than writing the answers out. just talk into the phone and give a complete answer, feel free to go into great detail, and do this in several sessions, because i do have a lot of imporatnt questions.

How would you rate your level of SELF CONTROL? low medium or high?

Talk about at least 3 times where you showed the least self control ever.

what is the trashiest thing you have ever done?

how many guys did you have sex with in high school?

how many guys did you have sex with in college?

how many guys did you have sex with in grad school?

when’s the latest age you would like to be married by?

whats the latest age you want to have a child by?

how many children do you want?

do you have a preference for men of your own race? or no real preference to speak of? (having a pro-white preference is what i am looking for hahaha)

are you ashamed of or disappointed in white people? why? describe what you dont like about whites.

how religious are you?

do you go to church regularly?

were you ever “saved” or “born again” after a prodigal past?

how do you feel about people who are “saving themselves for marriage?”

how do you feel about people who are “saving themselves for a monogamous, long term, serious relationship?”

how would you describe yourself politically? by that I mean conservative or liberal or moderate. try not to say moderate. do you tend more towars the liberal or conservative? feel free to go into great detail please. especially on “social issues” likke abortion, homosexual marriage, casual sex, transgender, open relationships, marriage and divorce.

when you get out of one relationship, do you take some time by yourself without dating, without sex, to reflect, grieve, learn, process, and move on, or are you dating/having sex with someone else right away (within 1 month)?

would you consider yourself “fairly experienced with men”? Not necessarily a LOT of guys, but “a decent number?”

How loyal of a person would you say you are? as always, feel free to go into detail and give examples or stories or anecdotes.

Is a friendship a relationship?

Do you think its possible and not unreasonable for someone to eventually get feelings in a once-platonic male-female friendship?

do you think white guys are more or less wimpy and boring and not sexy, while nonwhite guys are more exotic, interesting, fun, masculine, and Sexy?

are nonwhite guys in generally more sexy than white guys? please go into as much detail as you like.

have you ever dated or had sex with a black or arab or latino guy?

do you have any personal interest in Interracial dating?

do you think sex is a special, serious, maybe even sacred thing that needs to be treated with respect and maybe ever reverence?

or do you think i am always being too black and white, and the answer for everything is “IT DEPENDS!!!!! sometimes yes sometimes no! in different situations, or different phases of your life, you want different things!”

Is a persons past a good predictor of future behavior?

are you always telling people to forget about your past, and just focus on the present?

are you ashamed of your past? or do you have no regrets about being a huge skank?

what are your biggest regrets?

what would you do differently if you could Do It All Over Again? would have not had sex with so many guys? would you have gotten married younger or had children younger? maybe married that first serious boifrand rather than dumping him so you could get more experience, because it would be naive or immature to marry the first guy you dated, and then, 10 years later, you always wondered what if? what if you had just stayed with him because he was really a great guy?

5:44 PM Tuesday, December 01, 2015
5:44 PM 12/1/2015

textfx > insert > date time stamp

7:26 PM Tuesday, December 01, 2015


could you ever be with a demisexual?

could you ever just do cuddling and making out for 6+ months, and then only have sex only AFTER you have decided on a longterm mongamous rel with the man?

why do you need to have sex so soon?

why do you need to move through relationships so FAST?

why cant you take it SLOW?

how slow could you possibly take it?

how sexually innocent would you consider yourself? low, medium, high?

how many facebook freinds do you have? (1000 is horrible, 200-300 is good, less than 200 is ideal, avg will prob be 500-600)

how many facebook pictures do you have?

are you generally for or against casual sex? whats the first thing that comes to mind? what is your Gut Feeling to Casual Sex? especially for yourself.

Do you think sex is inherently, naturally something that SHOULD have an emotional element and SHOULD be shared only wiht someone you have an emotional connection and trust with?

do you think casual sex is degenerate?

what things do you consider degenerate? or do you find the word itself too “judgmental” or hateful or intolerant?

have you ever used okcupid? tinder? how many sex partners have you added as a result of dating websites or apps?

what do you think of the “slut stud double standard?”

do you think its unfair that when a man has sex with a lot of women, he’s considered a stud, but when a woman has sex with a lot of men, she’s considered a slut? what do you think about that?

do you think its easier for men to get sex than women?

do you think women have different consequences for sex than men?

does this help shed some light on things?

do you think women should be able to have lots of sex like men?

do you really understand how women can get pregnant and men cant? does this help explain to you how sex has different consequences for men and women, and why its frowned upon for women to be sluts?

do you have sex with people without having a mature conversation about what each person wants from the relationship?

do you often have sex with people without yourself having any interest in a relationship?

how do you feel about sex outside of a relationship?

how many guys had you had sex with by age 17? 22? 25?

do you think its okay for women to go to dubai and party with oil sheikhs for 30 grand? her body her choice? dont you view this as prostitution?

would you be okay with your daughter appearing in porno or being a stripper or prostitute?

have you ever been the subject of a sex scandal?

do you understand why women should take sex more seriously than men?

have you “dated” ie had sex with a lot of “douchebags” or “dickheads” and “assholes?” why didn’t you just wait to have sex with them?

have you ever dumped a guy because he didnt read your mind, and you didnt want to talk about it, so you just dumped him because he didnt figure shit out? how many guys?

are you willing to read long emails from me? how about write long emails back? could also do voice recordings if youre too lazy to write.

when someone writes you a long email do you just think creep/weirdo/needy and not read the whole thing seriously, because he’s just needy creepy psycho and doesnt deserve to be taken seriously, and its weird to write long emails?

have you ever been given The Silent Treatment? or Ghosted? or Ignored and Avoided? tell the full story of the 3 worst times. how did it make you feel?

did you then use the silent treatment on people after you experienced how painful it was?

tell the stories of your 3 worst heartbreaks. did it ever leave you completely devastated? how long did it take you get over usually? then why do you complain if it takes a guy 6 months to get over a woman?

do you think the differences between men and women are nature or nuture? biological vs socially constructed? explain your opinions in detail. specifically, do you see any problems with women being “sexually adventurous” like men?

are you friends with any of your ex-boifrans? how many? how often do you talk to him? are you over him? really? how often do you see them? how can you get over someone if you see and talk to them regularly? have you ever gone back and had sex with them when you were in another relationship? how about VERY soon after another relationship ended?

whats the longest period of time you have been completely celibate?

why do you need someone to fook when you end a relationship? cant you be alone for just a little while to process and get over things? dont you realize it takes a long time to become emotionally available again after your heart is broken? and during that time its best not to date or fook ANYBODY? why didnt you do that?

when you love somebody 100%, do you want anybody else? is your ideal of true love a monogamous thing with ONE man?

if you’re emotionally unavailable and still trying to get over one guy, why not just take a long break from dating (or fooking) guys altogether?

what do you think about pornography? is it degenerate? what about super hardcore stuff? would you ever or have you ever had sex on camera? dont you think that sort of disrespects the reverence of sex?

how often do you drink? do you like going out to bars and clubs and having guys buy you drinks? or would you rather have a quiet night in with family?

how “TRADITIONAL” would you say you are?

what do you think about women Staying Home and Homeschooling children?

do you agree that almost 100% of the costs in reproduction are borne by women, and therefore, women have to be EXTRA CAREFUL? and this is exactly WHY women cannot fook like men?

do you read any newspapers or blogs or have any interest in the world, news, politics, or current events?

do you read stuff like jezebel, gawker, buzzfeed?

talk about right vs left, in your perspective. where do you fit on that spectrum?

lets hang out and look at okcupid together and take their stupid personality tests. some of them can actually be quite informative and lead to good discussions.

have you ever been a great love of some guys life? what happened there?

have you ever had some great loves of your life? what happened there?

do you give it up easily?

have you ever had more than 1 dick inside you at the same time? more than 2?

do you find the idea of having children old fashioned and oppressive and “ew” or “ugh”?

do you use words like “ew” and “ugh” to avoid articulating and examining your feelings?

do you know how to dump a guy gently? do you usually do that when you dump a guy?

do you do a lot of dumping?

have you ever been dumped?

how much meaningless sex have you had? a little, a moderate amount, a lot, or very very little? none?

how do you feel about pure romance parties where women look at dildos and talk about self pleasuring? is this fun, or gross?

do you do “CASUAL DATING”? ie nonmonogamous sex with no commitment?

do you accept that it will take me 2 or 3 times before i am fully comforable having secs with you?

could you come up with a moral justification for bestiality? pedophilia?

if you ever think i am being manipulative or abusive, you have to tell me immediately.

what is the primary function of sex? procreation or pleasure?

did you ever dump a guy because the first and last, the one and only time you had sex with him, it was kind of awkward, so you figured that was his fault?

promise me that when you dump me you will do it NICELY. ask your father the nicest way to dump a guy.

promise me that if we ever have a problem, we will talk about it, commuicate about it, rather than avoid talking about the elephant in the room. talking might be awkward, but not talking is even more awkward. promise me you’ll say “WE NEED TO TALK.” rather than walk away and ignore me forever when i beg you to please respond. At least write me an email. and try to dump me nicely. see above.

have you ever felt “regret raped” where in the following days, you said, “ew, i cant believe i had sex with THAT GUY, what was i thinking?! Hmm I must have been raped! i was drunk after all! I had impaired judgment!” just to alleviate yourself of the embarrassment and personal responsibility?

you know that treating sex with great care is not something thats strictly religious right? that it makes sense even from a stupidass atheist utilitarian perspective? that the societal costs outweigh the individual selfish benefits?

promise me that when we are done you will communicate with me and dump me nicely, rather than throw me away without a word liek a piece of garbage. see “ghosting” or just vanishing/disappearing and not responding to pleas for communication.

have you ever desperately begged someone to talk or listen or communicate with you, becuase you so desperately wanted to save the relationship, and they didnt?

i did ask about abortion right? have you ever had an abortion? more than one? tell the stories of all abortions.

if a male friend eventually came to develop feelings for you, would you consider that a BETRAYAL of TRUST, and come to hate and distrust him?

are you bisexual?

have you ever had sechs with anther woman? how many? how about a full blown relationship? was it an open relationship? have you even cheated on a guy with a woman?

how do men and womens reproductive roles differ? who has the harder job? provide evidence for your answer.

have you ever had “truffle butter” from having a guy do you in ass and then immediately put it in the V? dont you know that not only being extremely degen, this is very unhygienic and literally dirty? how many guys have you done this with?

how many guys have you done buttsecs with?

whats the shortest amount of time you knew a guy before you had buttsecs with him?

have you ever had a “wild oats” period? tell me all about that.

have you ever had a period of your life where you were just hooking up with guys from bars/clubs? how many guys?

have you ever abused an animal? killed an animal?

tell me all about your opinions on feminism and feminists.

what is the sluttiest outfit you have ever worn? what is the sluttiest outfit you currently own?

do you wear high heels regularly?

do you take a long time to “get ready” when you “go out?”

do you “go out” a lot?

whats worse, a pathetic wimpy guy acting like an omega, or a girl being a slut?

can you promise me that when you reject me, you will do it NICELY? write me a long but nice email if you can too.

when YOU really liked someone, how did YOU act? smooth as hell? not needy at all?

so you made ME wait a little while for sex. but im still not convinced youre a decent woman. give me a list of all the guys youve been with and how long you made THEM wait for sex. if you had a period of like 5 guys in your 20s where they all got to hit it after 1 date….then youre just being disingenous with me and trying to fool me into thinking youre Not One Of Those Gurls when in fact you are.

What is sex? how would you define sex? what does it MEAN to you? (trying to get at procreation first, pleasure distant second, and not some weak “IT DEPENDS, you go through phases” relativist answer. good answer: sex is something serious and sacred that creates life and should not be taken lightly, even if it can be pleasureable. that pleasure comes with a very high responsibility. etc etc)

what do you think of psychiatric drugs? do you take any? have you been in a rel with anyone who took them?

i am very happy to answer all these questions myself.

ever fooked someone famous or nearly famous? who was it? any others?

have you ever stayed with someone who abused you? why? for how long? how many guys?

have you ever blown out your colon havin rough buttsecs with a guy?

do you think its weird to not have secs within 30 days of dating?

how many dates on avg before you have secs?

how ridiculous is the idea of you meeting their family BEFORE you first have secs with them?

“SEXUAL MORALITY.” what does this phrase mean to you?

how traditional are you?

how many years did you slut it up? how many cox were on your cox carousel?

How much AGENCY do you have?

I do not like a communication style like a brick wall. we have to talk to each other when there are problems. we have to be comfortable talking about our feelings towards each other.

Do you communicate and resolve problems like a mature adult, with direct confrontation? that is the best way.

Promise that if you ever need to tell me something difficult that may hurt me, just TELL me rather than trying to get me to forget it. I need to actually have the difficult talk, rather than reading signals, and trying to read your mind. Nobody can read minds well. If there’s something on your mind about me or our rel, TELL ME. TELL ME. Talk to me or write me an email.

If you decide to end this rel, promise me you’ll do it in a kind, gentle, nice way, rather than angrily push me away or throw me away.

Have you ever had that done to you? it is tremendous pain. you never want to do that to anyone unless they abuse you.

promise me that if you ever START to even MAYBE get feelings for me, you will TELL ME right away, and also I will do the same regarding you. in fact we should should just talk about this every 1 or 2 months as a rule. to check in. in male female friendships its not weird if one person eventually develops feelings, even after a while.

promise me that if i get too clingy you will TELL me.

promise me that if you dump me you will TELL me.

promise me that you will be open to COMMUNICATING about problems in our rel.

please think seriously about writing an email or doing a voice recording.

please understand that if a man gets feelings for his female friend, this si not a BETRAYAL or a DUAL INTENT. sometimes it just happens, even after a long time (2,3,4 YEARS.)

I am very happy to LEAD you like a Strong Man, but I need some SUPPORT on my not so good days.

if you want to dump me, please write me a long email as part of that, trying to let me down gently and to facilitate good closure. I do not like when dumpers put no effort into making a good karma dump. please do not just throw me away like a piece of garbage.

if you cant bring yourself to talk to me, write a message trying to let me down nicely, and then have someone ELSE send it. friend or family. i need you to attempt to do the right thing regarding closure. just be nice but firm, think about how YOU would want to be dumped by someone you loved, if you could never be with them, because they didnt feel that way about you. how would you want THEM to reject you? knowing that THEY wanted to end the relationship, but you did NOT.

you slept with a lot of assholes?

you slept with a lot of guys period?

how do you feel about SLUTS? do you like slut shaming? do you believe its shameful to be a slut?

come up with an argument why being a slut is bad that doesnt rely on anything religious. not that religious is wrong tho. but there are plenty of nonreligious reasons to not be a slut.

if you ever feel like i have BETRAYED you, PLEASE TALK to me about it. it could just be a horrible MISUNDERSTANDING. like, for example, thinking i had Dual Intent All Along when I didnt. OR thinking that developing feelings is a BETRAYAL of the whole friendship. No. its a complicated issue that needs to be discussed. But a real betrayal is more like CHEATING or lying.

What’s ideal amoutn of time or dates before you would ideally have secs with a guy? whats it more like in reality? do you give it up too quickly? is your ideal even too quick?

have you ever had secs with more than one guy in the same day? the same week? what was the max number of guys you ever had secs with in one day? one week? one month?

I want you to PROMISE me that if you ever have a problem with me, you TELL me somehow. soon. rather than letting it boil over into a train wreck and exploding on me one day. TELL ME.

if you are thinking of dumping me TALK TO ME and give me an ACTUAL ULTIMATUM. if you are thinking of doing something ultimatum-wrorthy. please actually TELL ME the ultimatum and dont go ahead and do the nuclear option without talking to me and giving me the ultimatum first. PLEASE.

if you want to dump me, promise me you will dump me NICELY, RESPECTFULLY.

promise me you will put an honest effort into this rel, and to try to think like a mature adult on how i might feel about things. dont hate me for the wrong reasons. put yourself in my shoes. seek the advice of trusted friends and family.

make an effort to not throw me away like a piece of garbage.


I have the right to be not thrown away like a piece of garbage when you decide to get out of this rel.
You have the responsibility to not throw me like a piece of garbage when you decide to get out of this rel.

can we make and agree on and sign a relationship bill of rights and responsibilities?

ever made a secs tape? how many tapes? how many guys? can i see it, ya dirty whore?

have you ever avoided someone to the point where you just cut them out of your life entirely and essentially deleted them, threw them away? threw them away like a piece of garbage? what did they do to deserve this? do you think they really deserved it? how do you think they felt? do you feel good about what you did?

whats the highest number of men you were having secs with at around the same time? in the sense of a “Stable” or “harem” of men where you were having casual, no strings attached with one guy one week, a second guy another week, and so on?

whats the highest number of guys you’ve had secs with in the space of one month? 2 months? 3 months?

have you EVER had multiple “fook buddies” or “friends with benefits” at the same time? what was the highest number? 2? 3? 4? 5?

have you ever accused someone of lying and you were totally wrong?

did you ever think someone had betrayed you when they really hadnt?

be honest. how many hearts have you completely broken?

write me a 5,000 word essay on why “Casual sex” is impossible, and why sex is inherently intimate, and shouldnt be given away quickly to guys you meet on tinder.

promise when it comes time to dump me, you will do so with common courtesy and do it as gently as possibly, while still being definite and not giving false hope. but do NOT throw me away like a piece of garbage.

tell me about your slut phase.

ever been nonmonogamous with a man? describe.

Is sex a big deal?

What are the consequences of sex for women? for men?

Do you take birth control pills? some sort of ring or implant?

how insistent are you that new sex partners wear Condoms?

do you get drunk and “hook up” with guys?

do you swear a lot and have a mouth like a sailor?

How important is communication in a relship to you?

has any man ever K’d himself after you dumped him?

What’s the worst reaction a man has ever had after you dumped him?

are you a mature adult capable of having difficult talks and making big decisions, or are you more like a hormonal, emotional teenager?

do you understand why Interracial Dating is not great?

do you think “LOVE IS LOVE.” ?

What do you think about gays? transsexuals?

what does “sexual morality” mean to you? do you consider yourself sexually moral? what about your friends?

what are your closest friends like? decent people or degenerate scumbags?

how do you feel about babies and children?

did you ever have an “experimental phase?” tell me about that.

do you respect your father’s judgment on the guys you “date”?

does “date” really mean “fooking” to you?

Do you try to spare a man’s feelings when you dump him? let him down as easily and gently as possible?

how many friends with benefits or fook buddies have you had?

how many one night stands have you had?

have you ever done a sexual act in public? describe the top 10 times.

Has it ever taken over a year of NO CONTACT for you to get over someone? Then maybe you could understand the deep love and heartbreak I have felt. It’s a red flag when you continue to talk to, see, be friends with, and possibly fook the person. Bad.

Do you jump right from one relationship to another? How can you do that? doesn’t it take time to get over the previous person? Why would you continue in that rel with one foot out the door like that? It seems like just a small step up from cheating. It mean you got interested in the new person while you were still with the previous person.

how honest are you? do you LIE a lot? what kinds of lies? big ones, small ones?

Would you trade racists for rapists? (rapeugees)

How do you feel about Your Ingroup? What does Ingroup mean to you? Are you attracted to The Exotic? Is the more exotic more sexy to you?

How much did you like 50 shades of gray?

whats the most number of guys you dated at the same time? were you fooking them all? how many were you fooking? whats the highest number of guys you were fooking in at the same time period?

how many guys you fooked where you dated them less than 3 months? fooked a guy but never really dated him; and he wanted a rel, but you didnt, and just fooked him a little and was DONE with him within 3 months? his TURN was over.

Why don’t you have any respect for human life or the process that creates it?

How long does it usually take for you to fook a guy after meeting him? Less than two months?

Let’s talk about ABORTION. Ever gotten one? more than one? what’s your opinion about abortion? is it horrible? do you think life starts at conception?

what do you think about plan B abortifacients? do you just casually get some plan B from planned parenthood to flush out any fetus you might have gotten after a night of drunk, unprotected fun?

Seeing as you can get pregnant, have you thought deeply about the issue of abortion and when human life begins, or is that a scary slippery slope you’d rather not go down until you actually get pregnant?

how many homosexual friends do you have? do have any qualms about their degenerate, promiscuous lifestyles? do you approve of your gay friends having promiscuous sex with 9000000000 people and going to fisting parties? what ELSE are you ok with?

do you say, as long as its between two (or more!) consenting adults, I dont have a problem with it?

do you have a moral compass?

but you judge people who do shady, gross, weird, or creepy things though, dont you? and fisting parties arent weird and gross?

what do you think about people who have been with 10 or more people? normal, fine, or kinda gross and you would never do that? have you already done that?

How often do you wear high heels?

How many pairs of shoes do you have? (less than 10 hahaha)

have you ever pseudo-dated somebody in a sexual relationship for “a minute?” eg “Oh yeah we dated for a minute.” meaning you fooked him several times at least.

Do you treat people like human beings?

when you have an omega orbiter, do you tell him Im Not Interested, Sorry, or do you continue to lead him on by allowing him to hang out with you?

you ever give a guy a BLUMPKIN, ya dirty white trash whore?

have you ever been desperate? did you just fook guys indiscriminately then? what do you think about desperate and lonely guys? can you sympathize with them?

has any of the guys you ever dumped ever killed themself? do you know that for a fact? how long after you dumped them did they kill themself?

Ever been involved in a gangbang or a “train?” how many times? how many guys? tell me all about each time.

what’s the longest period of time you’ve gone without touching dick? (1 year or longer is ideal)
have you ever fooked a guy in a parking lot? some other public place? in a car? outside up against a car in a parking lot, between cars?



yeah you can take that to the spank bank hahahahahaha

if you can get a woman to answer all those, you will be WELL ON YOUR WAY to making an informed decision. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER. THE MORE YOU KNOW (about That Woman you think you know hahahaha)

literally ask the woman to fill that out completely, or maybe let her do a talking file if you are feeling kind hahaha.

i dont like being a VICTIM and BLAMING other people, except when it comes to blaming the woman for the failure of the relship, and for blaming Baby Boomers for the economic failures of the Millennials hahahahahahaha.

well im am honestly sorry i never told you earlier, but i was trying to send you signals, and you never ever ever ever wanted to hang out with me ever. that hurt me alot and if we did hang out i would have had a good talk with you.

or would i have? there is a large chance i would have been chickenshit and said “welllllll…….maybe NEXT time we hang out, we’ll have that big talk.”

but thats irrelevant, because it never happened!

maybe i would have talked about it!

mayeb if i pussied out about talking about it, i would have decided to just write an email much earlier!