aug 31



put this in sidebar, i want to caputre the worst article ever AND a few hundred comments

nymag open marriage cuckoldry article by sonmore



here is the sequel / follow up with the man and his “wife.”

the first article is timeless, classic, godawful, and i will put it in the sidebar As A Ghastly Monument (Ruins of Beverast reference/credit.)

i might be moving Towards A New Cover Letter Hermeneutic where the new Way is really to hit them HARD with a Fully Tailored, Individualized First Paragraph that cups their balls and sucks their dick and appeals to their mission and demonstrates my passion for their company and how i can add value and increase profitability by specifically matching the requirements of the specific job, in the culture of this specific company, addressing these particular pain points, and why i am THE SINGLE BEST CANDIDATE out of millions, and this, and no others, IS my Dream Career.

in other words, REALLY step up my Tailoring of the CL. I tailor the CL a TINY bit, changing a few words or sentences each time. so, do more than that.

also, attempt to aim for the Average Salary of my state, and NOT the whole US, which is 28k, and my state is a LITTLE below that.

yeah 12 to 16 is a ridiculous range to give. i should just say 12 to 14.

or 12 to 13 hahahaha.

people who have college careers and make 40k + cringe at talk like this. they never mention numbers. i mention numbers ALL DAY.

yeah i guess i used to think it was VULGAR too. but now I just think its Keeping It Really Real. How Much Does The Market Say You Are Worth?

no its not the sum total of Who You Are…..but it DOES tell me a LOT about what Your Employer thinks you are Worth, and What Kind of Life you live, and probably the type of people you associate with.

(People tend to associate with people who make about the same amount of MONEY as they do. So I feel a little weird when people who make WAY MORE MONEY than I do, huge winners, invite me to hang out with them. Of course I accept the invitation graciously.)

so yeah fook this 15 dollars an hour bullshit. i am willing to pay my dues and make 13 dollars an hour like the people in muh subaverage state. those fancy phaggots in joo york and phag phagcisco can take their 15 dollars an hour and pozz each others assholes with it. besides in those cities it costs 600000k per month to live in a one room shack tiny house, and it costs 90000000$ for a package of ramen. no thanks.

if a man is complaining about COMMUNICATION all the time, and his wife/gf is never WILLING to COMMUNICATE, and she’s always SHUTTING ME OUT, and so DISTANT, and putting up a WALL, she has to be willing to COMMUNICATE, well then thats him signalling that HE has HUGE communication issues, he’s projecting, HE’S really the one who doesnt know how to COMMUNICATE hahahaha.

i was watching married at first sight and derek was complaining about his distant, unwilling, stubborn, bitchy horrible (but very bangable) wife, who simpyl would not give him a chance. he is kinda a douchebag but he had some GREAT points about communication, where I nodded my head vigorously and said YES. YASSSS. THIS. SO MUCH THIS.

and hes also right that she is no spring chicken at 33, but my god she has a very fookable ass hahahahahahaha. she has to be in the top 10% of attractiveness for 33 year old women. I would DESTROY her.

and this derek is a pretty masculine man too, i’m sure he would destroy her too, but thats how stubborn she is. she probably would have gladly let him destroy her 5 years ago. now im not sure what she wants. probably a total beta bucks sort of guy. she probably WANTS the total doormat that says anything you want hunny. but i have to wonder, who does she want For SECS, at this moment? she’s always gonna want the masculine guy for secs. so why not have secs with her masculine husbando derek?

unless she’s such a sleazebag that she needs TWO or more men. alpha fooks, beta bucks, and never the twain shall meet. i guess she’s never experienced a best of both worlds alpha who is masculine AND makes a ton of money. but  she’s hawt enough to pull such a man (albeit not necessary without sharing him), and doesnt she meet plenty of powerful men as a Stewardess? like the powerful alpha men in First Class and such?

so yeah i am most fascinated in this couple. then sonia and nick a distant second, and i dont really care about the third couple hahahaha.

basically a 33 year old woman with no children is guaranteed to be SUPER CRAZY. her body is telling her to have a baby RIGHT NOW BEFORE ITS TOO LATE and you have to keep that in mind. i guess its ok if you want to have a baby right now too. but its gonna be real hard to have MULTIPLE babies with this woman. she shoulda started having babies AT LEAST TEN YEARS AGO.

fulton sheen on difference between BAD, and EVIL.


hilarious first hour with moishe, not sure if florian mentions the sheen story in this one though

start at 1:47:00. this is exactly where florian makes the point about fulton sheen. this is probably the single best episode of nationalist review EVAR: a full hour of moishe being absolutely ridiculous, natt being natt, a bit by “degenerate dan”, a full discussion and reading of that horrendous nymag cuckold article, AND florian uses that to introduced sheen’s point:

that a bad man simply does bad things, sins, like lie, cheat, steal, hurt, kill.

but a truly EVIL man actively and intentionally works to undermine truth, beauty, and goodness ITSELF. true evil seeks to portray vice as virtue. like the cuckold husband who does disgusting mental gymnastics to portray his cuckoldry as True Luv for his wife. true evil just makes a disgusting mockery of truth, beauty, and goodness.

i didn’t actually hear sheen’s actual story, just florian describing it. but i’ve seen plenty of sheen, and he is pretty badass, and the more i hear of florian, the more i like/luv him. he is possibly the new fulton sheen for 2016 alt right. and he is a very young man, like 23 years old. AND he is in seminary to become a catholic priest. AND he is alt right and joo wise and insanely, autistically smart. AND he has created a better joo character than morrakiu, with moishe the mossad handler.

ok florian is definitely in contention to be man of the year 2016 hahahahaha. i sort of wish he wasn’t becoming a priest so he could have white children. but I like the idea of a 1488 catholic priest too.

shit i would say become a priest and have children ANYWAY. let them kick you out.

actually i think you can become a priest AFTER you have children.

florian should def have children. but I very much appreciate him being a MAN OF GOD.

his regular voice is a little autistic, but he is SUCH a great awesome guy it doesnt even matter. this guy is SO good.


so yeah. listen to that whole episode. if its not SHUT DOWN by the time this post posts. im downloading that shit again.

the best thing ive heard lately that isnt the fatherland hahahaha. well it does have ryan from the fatherland and i luv him too. great, great men. I would LUV to go to a trs convention and meet these guys.


millennial woes on the new daily shoah!!! (100th episode!) NOICE!! I hope he uses some N words and K words and F words and such and isnt such a nice guy hahaha. i dont think hes even been on the shoah before. ITS ABOUT TIME.

sept 1

had weird dream that i was a Rookie Police Officer just starting out, getting On The Job Training from the guys, and I was very quickly On The Verge Of A Nervous Breakdown, and was very anxious like, whoa guys, i think i’m in over my head, i don’t think im TOUGH ENOUGH to handle this, maybe i’m not cut out for this job, maybe I should quit, I mean really, I dont have it in me! you need a tougher guy!

and the guys were all tough but also generally in favor of me not quitting I think, or they would disrespect me as an inferior pvssy if i quit, and were like, yeah its tough at first, but you just gotta TOUGHEN UP, gotta TUFF GET GOING, gotta not let it bother you, power through it, etc and other platitudes.

i think for most Cops though there is better training than what i experienced in the dream. like when you pay 20 grand to go to Police Academy, that’s where they train you for like 12 weeks hehehehe on all the aspects of being a Cop.

also cops get ongoing paid training because of like lawsuits and shit. peoples lives are at stake, its one of those jobs, like doctors and nurses and shit. lives are in your hands. people could die, and that means million dollar lawsuits, thus you implement official training pogams to Cover Your Ass.

unlike some companies where you dont need to cover your ass so much, and you can Screw and Joo customers with impunity, so it DOESNT MATTER if your people are trained. and the advice from management is, do what you need to do to get them on their way and make/save time and money.

thankfully i never had to Upsell Add On Products and shit. but the employees I was Supporting sure did. and they were generally as poorly trained as we were, and there they were talking to the ACTUAL customers. pressured by THEIR managers to try to sell the customers shit they REALLY didnt need, and also not understanding the products. yet trying to sell them. to people who didnt need them. when the products themselves were overpriced shady bullshit that were thoroughly jooish to the core. buy this extra advanced warranty goy. just in case. only 50 dollars more. just in case of a worst case scenario.

also the company was in general, dying. there is talk the company will be sold. but its a publicly traded company with shareholders. can you have a reverse IPO where a once public company becomes privately held again? i guess you can do esoteric shit with stock buybacks or stock splitting or something.

i guess theoretically the stock price could go SO low, and then there are Equity Firms who might gobble up a Majority Ownership of the company.

i dont know, I don’t have an MBA, I only have like 25 credits of Business Classes, hahahahaha.

which is more than Average, 13 dollar an hour normies have!

but you can also get an ok business sense from working at a company for a few years and just talking to people.

at my company, there was tons of rumors and speculation, among the more savvy people like me, that were even interested in speculation about why was the company doing this, rather than being like idk ikr lol weed lmao.

people like me who were frustrated and wanted to understand why the company and our department was such an egregious, backwards, shameful, disorganized, mismanaged clusterfook, and how it could be improved. well, more training, more actual legit experts who knew what they were doing, more time and money, more quality people actually improving actual quality, more testing, more actual listening to customers, much better executive management who understood the importance of IT as being more than just a Cost Center, etc.


but yeah its just horribly frustrating to have an angry, stressed person pushing you to fix their problem, because youre supposed to be the expert, fixing problems is your job, and you have no idea what you’re doing, and you look like you don’t know what you’re doing, becuase you really don’t, and you can’t appeal to a Subject Matter Expert in a way that is actually useful for either you or the customer. Most customers would be jsut fine if you said, wow, this is a pretty complex problem, here’s Joe Flabeetz, he’s been here for 2 years and really knows what he’s doing, Joe is great. its much worse when you say, i dont know what to do, let me talk to Joe, and then you “talk” to Joe in a shitty chat room where he is helping 20 other lost souls like you, telling you stuff that doesnt make sense. then you go back to the customer and try to do that thing, and explain it.  NATURALLY, UNDERSTANDABLY, they wonder, can’t you just get Joe over here? he clearly knows what he’s doing, you clearly don’t, so just get him on the case.

but one does not simply just get a SME on the case. because they are just as busy as we are and are not gonna escalate a case without a fight.

you could probably turn newbies into SME’s quicker with REGULAR TRAINING. but again, thats millions of dollars for people who want to get out of here ASAP anyway. or they can just go mad and snapquit like me hahahaha.


the company can afford to not support their employees, shit they can afford to some extent to provide shitty, overpriced, screwjob jooish service to their customers. anything you can get away with. no exchanges, no refunds. all sales final. don’t like it, complain to the better business bureau bitches. don’t like it, do this shit yourself or go to our competitors.

see thats going too far though! why would you knowingly push your customers towards your competitors?

AND THATS WHY THE COMPANY IS FAILING. it used to be a successful, reputable company. now it is a sinking ship and more people can’t ignore that.

so yeah, i think a large part of why my experience was SO NEGATIVE was the culture of the company, being a large “big dog” old school company that was starting to fail on a massive scale. i mean they will implement retarded changes on a daily basis, yet be so Entrenched that they wont implement the actual Radical change needed. just do stupid spazzout bandaid fire putout bullshit. nothing meaningful, nothing that is good for the long term. short term only.

heh. that woman didnt care. she was just like go with the flow, dont let it bother you, dont bother me about it, i dont care, idk lol, dude weed lmao.

i mean women are not well equipped to have logical, sensible, reasonable, insightful thoughts about Business anyway……… but with all these educated women in careers, i think they can at least go through the motions of talking about business.

well, we did not have alot of those type of women in our department hahaha.

so i’m saying i prefer a more business savvy woman?

NO….i don’t even prefer a more intelligent woman. shit she was intelligent ENOUGH. i think she COULD have been taught to be more business savvy, not that she needed be…..

sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeit, really I just wanted her to talk to me more, be nicer to me, and just have a HALFWAY decent conversation about Our Jobs and Our Company!!!!!!! don’t you have an OPINION on this retardation! it affects you as much as it affects me! and she probably DID have an opinion! she just didnt want to talk to me any more. and i was very upset about that. her withdrawing from me and building a huge wall.

so yeah that was deffo the root issue hahahaha.

and I was very frustrated because I was aware of that root issue, and trying to resolve it, and getting NOWHERE, because I needed cooperation and willingness from her, and she refused to get it.

lets meet, lets sit at the table together, talk, and try to MAKE A DEAL. lets negotiate and compromise and both leave unhappy hahahahahahahahaha. and i was sitting at the table all day waiting for her to show up, and she just no called no showed the whole time.

so yeah that why i was very upset hahahaha.

dont just say dont let it bother you. get a thicker skin. believe me I would love to.

now, I had great conversations with a couple of my male friends at the job, and we all should have been promoted to level 3 and never have to take a call ever again hahahaha. make 18 bucks an hour hahaha.

i wasnt asking her to be as insightful as us, i just wanted her to give SOME effort into thinking about this. i mean it was stupid NOT to have righteous indignation over it, and to just say dont let it bother you, and smoke MJ. you can smoke MJ and still have opinions about this ridiculousness! and partially i was JEALOUS of her ability to DISCONNECT from the job like that, do it so Coolly, yet still miraculously do a “good” job and be liked by everyone. well yeah she was a likeable person hahahaha.

ishould probably give agalloch a second try. should i listen to the above album or “the mantle.” i was torn. i went to youtube and tried to compare the Productions, which one sounded better. they both sounded pretty close but maybe this one has a 5% stronger guitar sound. also, i technically tried listening to “the mantle” like 4 years ago and i was like, yeah this is ok, but i guess im not in the mood for something like this.

i guess now at least i am in the mood to give them a try again. i guess i want something thats like beautiful atmospheric black metal, but very melodic and very easy to listen to, with immediately catchy riffs and melodies and songs. but without being so NEW that it gets TOO much into “post rock” or “blackgaze”. something old enough that it was around when I was young and actually interested in music. the mantle came out in 2002, which is right in my wheelhouse yearwise, this one came out in 2006, when i had stopped caring about music, well, thats not true. i recall i was keeping up on the current work of katatonia and goatwh0re. but not being super duper into it, or into anything. lots of drinking. damn. increasing amounts of drinking. stupid. i stopped caring about new music, or music in general, some dark days.

so 2002 was really a much better year for me music wise than 2006…..but ive already heard a bit of the mantle, and if i like ashes against the grain, i’ll try the mantle. also the mantle is like 68 minutes long, which is way too long for an album. ashes is 59 minutes. still way too long, but better than 68.

and of course in 2014 and much of 2015 i was not interested in music so much either, because worrying about the job, or i was devastated by my loss and failure hehehehe. so i guess ive rebounded to a kind of peak right now of interest in music, as in trying to find NEW music, which is remarkable, cuz much of the time i like to Build A Wall and say yep ive got more than enough music thank you, dont need any new stuff. there’s nothing good left out there. its all hipster phaggot degenerate bullshit. theres plenty of stuff  from before 2000 i havent listened to yet.

and its FINE to close the ranks and circle the wagons….but i dont want to do that more than half of the time. i would always like to be SOMEWHAT open to new music.

and agalloch i think is right in line with stuff that i have enjoyed. like when i was young i enjoyed opeth a lot, i still enjoy their older stuff, and i have always enjoyed “in the woods….” a norwegian sorta black metal group from the 90s that was atmospheric and progressive and avant garde when those things werent NEARLY as cool as they are now.

heh like the other day i wanted to listen to hammerfall and i only ended up listening to the first two songs on the album. and that album was only like 40 minutes. perfect length.

went to jcpenneys. it was a mixed bag. i had high hopes.  saw some beautiful high school girls in there with their Moms for Back 2 Skool shopping. nothing wrong with a 35 year old man ogling 16 year old gurls hahahahahaha.  at that age you really want to Protect and Provide for them, and you would Happily swear an oath to their Faithful Fathers that you would not bang them until they are 18, or if the father really wanted grandchildren, then you could have him sign off for age 17, and you would promise to not frivolously divorce her hahahahahaha. and she would promise to not frivorce YOU really.

so yeah you dont look at the beautiful 16 year old gurl and say “yeah id like to pump and dump that trashwh0re, ride hard and hang them up wet” the way you would say about a 30 year old skank. you say “damn i wouldnt mind MARRYING that gurl and having her be the mother of my children. Assuming she’s not ALREADY a huge slut. Let’s have a talk with her father.”

90s and 00s metal. that was my thing. i’m not sure i even lasted 10 good years. but 1996 to 2003 for sure might have been my best years.

in terms of The West, those were not great years. especially 96 to 2001 hahahaha. the late 90s was the high of nihilism and decadence and degeneracy where shit was probably just as bad as it is NOW, except people were more despairing. shit was BAD, although things werent AS Sexualized, and attitudes about Gays were definitely a bit better. but there was nothing to hold onto. there was no alt right. there was no hope for the youth, which i was one. the music was especially shitty. it reflected the nihilism and lack of general quality perfectly. stuff like groove metal and nu metal and korn. well at least there was a ton of catchy alternative pop type stuff. i shoulda got into that more at the time.

there seemed to be much less red pilled young people then. people were not waking up fast enough.

and i do think 911 in 2001 was a bigass paradigm shift, the beginning of a new era, a time of awakening. the sleeping nihilist giant awakens and then stumbles around in confusion for about 10 more years hahahaha. trying to shake off that nihilism and sense of no purpose. trying to figure out what was going on and what to do about it.

for me at least, the internet did not become a HUGE thing until after 2000. from like 98 to 00 we used slow dialup shit and i was already a degenerate, looking at jooish filth and actually reading Erotic Stories. which I guess is slightly less jooish. playing doom and quake. writing ridic stories of me finding a Nice GF and having a traditional monog longterm rel at age 15 hahahaha. see, my main goal was not degenerate.


hahahaha i have been looking at these goddamn RYM lists for like a month straight trying to find the perfect album to listen to

like here is the best metal (incl all subgenres) for the 90s.


you can also put in an exact year like 1996 hahahahahaha

also i wanted to say that listening to the daily shoah for the first time in a while (well i did listen when fatherland jim guest hosted a few weeks ago), is that i must remind myself not to forget how powerful mike enoch is. i mean he is really smart and just says the most interesting, smartest, most awesome things. i guess its easy to forget because his voice is ridiculous and he sounds like seth roganblatt. but the things he says are just amazing. here he is doing a 80 hour work week, hasn’t had time to read the news or do anything but work his tech job, and he comes onto TDS and is pretty high energy and very very solid and convincing in the things he was saying, just having very very good conversations where he is contributing most of the quality.

not to crap on seventh son or special guest millennial woes, but yeah this is enoch’s show and he is very very good at what he does. needs to trim down the number of people so he can dominate the conversation any more. him, SS, and MW would have been ideal.

heh i saw my confirmation email for applying to a part time job, and thought OH NO THATS THE FASTEST REJECTION EMAIL EVER!! and then laughed when i realized it was just the CONFIRMATION email that they had received my application. awesome job though hahahahaha. 30 hours a week, 15 dollars an hour, right when i have officially announced that 13 dollars is my new goal, that 15 is out of my league hehehehe.

ITS OFFICIAL. MY PRICE HAS OFFICIALLY GONE DOWN TO 13 DOLLARS AN HOUR. THAT IS MY WORTH AS A HUMAN BEING. hahahaha. no silly, that’s just my worth to the MARKET of human beings!!!!!

at the gas station today I saw a white man arguing pretty rudely with the poor clerk making 9 hourly. i couldnt see the clerk because they were in this little glass booth. it was one of those gas stations that doesnt even have an inside, and the cashier is in a tiny booth/shack. there was a huge line behind this white guy who….i couldnt tell what was going on. it sounded like he was getting charged 36 dollars when he disputed it and thought he should be charged 26, and he wasn’t gonna pay a penny more. he was maybe early 30s and had a stupid mohawk like haircut and tattoos all over his arms. good job. i really hope the clerk was not white, but even if they WERE nonwhite, they didn’t deserve this kinda treatment, and I was a bit ashamed that a fellow white man could be such a dickhead to a poor miserable gas station clerk. Whites are supposed to be Polite Customers. its blacks and arabs who are Asshole Customers.

I thought about going up to the clerk and apologizing hahahahaha. well, not apologizing, but sorry you had to go through that. I know you weren’t trying to do anything wrong. he was way out of line. he’s an asshole.

go get your manager. uhhhh the managers not here today. i’m not sure when he will be back. i can’t do anything for you. well then call the manager right now. i want to talk to him right now. uhhhh he doesnt give employees his phone number. well who do you call if its an emergency? meanwhile there is a huge line of people who just want to prepay for their gas. i avoided all this because i paid at the pump with a card hahahahaha.

mike enoch does not get all super intellectual either. he just gives real talk, absolutely no bullshit, no jerking off. he says like and dude a lot but unlike with most people who say these words a lot, it does not make him sound unintelligent. he is real good at talking to people and just great verbal intelligence on this goy hahahaha. this is the guy you want talking for you. real convincing salesman. but not in a bullshit dishonest way. he needs to quit his job and spend all his time talking and networking and meeting with people. he is a real good people person and communicator.

i wonder what the hell he did before TRS. I guess he had a big libertarian phase and did a lot of 4chan. dont quote me.

listened to the first 2 songs of the agalloch album, they were pretty good. decent production. a blast beat would be nice. also the black metal vocals are pretty unimpressive and really dont seem to fit. something a bit deeper, or alternately, a DSBM or old burzumy scream would be better. the corny clean vocals are better.

uhhh seems to be plenty of “melodic doom” in the vein of old katatonia going on, that i wasnt really expecting, but i guess i’m not surprised, and i am not disappointed either.

overall, very melodic, very very, not super opethy unless you think of an alternate opeth where they continued in the vein of their first two albums…….which is not a problem for me!

but now i have a damn melodic doom katatoniaish song stuck in my head and I don’t know what it is!!!!!!!!!

it has a catchy mournful weeping guitar melody.

it is pretty brave murder day ish, but i dont think its from that album.

it could be from the first october tide album, but i dont think so.

and i’m not sure what else it could be.

sept 2

you know i think it might be beneath the rain or whatever that doom band from portugal with the guy from morgion singing.  on their second main album.

before the rain?

YASSSS there is is, aroun 20:23, actually that motif is all throughout this song “shards” and it repeats a lot, but i was particularly thinking of the higher octave guitar going into the “weeping” range hahahaha.


yeah the album is a little long but it has a great production and great style and is pretty underrated and i only found it because i am a big morgion fan.

fooking rate your music lists really interferon with muh job search hahahaha.

fook working for a living like an honorable white man. i am just gonna become a black ingra hahahaha.

yeah i dont want to pedestalize That Woman too much. it’s VERY GOOD to remember I have been Decent Friends with, I have been CLOSE TO OTHER WOMEN before. she doesnt STAND ALONE. I had at least two pretty good female friends where we were decent friends for like approx 2 years. talking freely, being comfortable with each other.

yeah i never fell in LUV with them but thats NOT THE POINT. well, yes and no. yeah that was the one thing that differentiated that woman.

but i never want to lose sight of the fact that i have gotten close and friendly with OTHER women. NOT JUST HER.

rejection email THREE MONTHS after applying for job. the spreadsheet did not even exist until 2 months ago.

entry level position at big well known company, great job, but 95% of its postings are for Senior Level Engineers.

ANYWAY. when you fall in LUV with a woman you FEEL closer to them. it’s a fantasy, its all in your head, but i don’t like describing it like that, thats misleading. because it’s VERY real for YOU. YOU ACTUALLY ARE very close to THEM……………………………but THEY are not nearly as close to YOU. by saying its all in your head, it mocks the realness, truth and beauty of your Luv. so, I wont do that.

like when i fell in luv with women i didnt even KNOW. OF COURSHE i FELT close to them, even though I didn’t even KNOW them!

the DIFFERENCE this time, was I fell in luv with someone I ACTUALLY KNEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and still, apparently, I didn’t know them well enough!

but yeah i MUST NOT think of myself as some WEIRDO CREEPER ALIEN who CANT get along with women, because I have become close friends with OTHER WOMEN THAN JUST HER.

I just never fell in LUV with any of them, so thats why That Woman was such a big deal.

went to jcpenney and found some great nike revolution 3 running shoes. but they did not have the size in the color i wanted.

so then i went to zappos and ordered the size for about the same price. i hate the idea of ordering SHOES online, but technically i HAD already tried on a pair of the same style of shoe, just a diff COLOR. and i wasnt gonna back down here.

interestingly enough, i was aiming to replace a pair of Revolution 2 which i had bought 2 years ago and are now falling apart and completely worn out. i guess i am a Nike Revolution man. so I should look for the Revolution 4 in 2 more years.

man those one year at a time charts on rym are great. i can see all the albums I was enjoying at the time, ANDDDDDDD see all the ones from that time period that I missed. there was a ton of good stuff in those years that i missed because i was a teen listening to groove metal hahahaha. no i liked half good stuff too, some black metal. i have been a black metal fan for TWENTY YEARS hahahahahahahahahaha. well, maybe 19.

just tell these antiwhite k1kes in interviews that ive been spending the last 14 months looking at black metal charts on RYM hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha but i havent been smokin any MJ ya k1kes!

not that you should be PROUD about smokin MJ. its for degenerates. its INHERENTLY DEGENERATE.

its TERRIBLE that I still want to do it. that I still want to do it WITH HER. goddam degenerate DEVILS CABBAGE.

if anyone speaks glowing of MJ, publicly humiliate them! and then go smoke it privately hahahhaha.

i really hate successful people who make like 30k a year who say i can smoke MJ and I’m a successful productive member of society! I’m happy with my life and my job and I am a successful family man! and I make 30k a year!

comment sections of news articles on legalizing mj and all these pro-legalization types saying shit like that.

well i am pro legalization too, but more of the “conservative libertarian” way, rather than Have Big Govt Regulate and Tax Tax Tax it! but let each city decriminalize it.

i mean I just imagine all the tax money being wasted anyway, like the 200 million in tax revenue colorado got from MJ. it will just be wasted on public skools in black ghettos hahahaha where the money wont do any good. or paying teacher administrator pensions hahahahahaha.

it wont go to fix shitty roads, it wont go to more police and ems in black crime ghettos, or blight cleanup, or anything useful like that. thats where your MJ tax money will go. just like alcohol and tobacco tax money.

so yeah dont tax it. save the money to build up MJ production companies hahahaha. or even small time MJ producers in the cities where it is legal.

well companies are STILL gonna drug test for jobs anyway, that practice has not changed even in colorado, in fact its probably gotten even more prevalent! cuz now theres more lazy ingrish potheads out there who would make terrible workers hahahaha.

i am being partially facetious since i always try to work my hardest even if i am using MJ afterwards.

but maybe i am just a shitty worker but i think i am a good worker.

i mean shit, i can’t handle the bare minimum at muh old job! my best was worse than their worst! hahahahaha.

NO, that’s not entirely true. for a good long while I was good and getting better. establishing a reputation for excellence. might have even been promoted in 2 more years, hahahahaha, for a company that never promotes from within!

(i of course dont want to work for a company that doesnt promote from within hahahaha)

because hiring outsiders for upper level jobs is a YUGGGGEEEEE red flag of a shitty horrible company. run dont walk.

applied for great job at Dream Employer University, but its 36k. when my skills are only worth 26k hahahaha. isnt it a waste of 25 minutes to apply for this?

i found another one that pays 15 an hour. much better. but still out of my league hahaha.

in fact the jobs that pay 13 an hour, aka 26k a year…..dont usually even list their pay. they just say nothing.

so i guess the lesson is, always apply for the jobs that dont list a number, because that number is probably low enough to be closer to your actual worth.

but still. why not just list the god damn pay for ALL jobs, from 10 dollar an hour to 40 dollars an hour jobs, so people that think the pay is too low, wont even apply.

unless they are trying to overreach and get people who would normally be “too good” to apply????

well that’s not what I do, i apply for 12 and 11 dollar an hour jobs if they seem chill/easy or I like the company.

anyway the 15 an hour job would be GREAT. like 5 miles away, full time office job, for satellite campus of bigass university that probably takes average care of its employees with 401k, health care, and at least 13 an hour wage hahahaha. 9 to 5 hours, weekends off, the works. real solid family man stuff. no joke.





its gonna take a long long time.

feel the horrible pain and loss and anger and sorrow and hate and love and loss, but dont TORTURE yourself masochistically by

  1. looking at them on facebook. shit. bloc them, block everyone associated with them. deactivate facebook for you.
  2. dont contact them, really you want them back. if they wanted you back, theyd contact you. and they sure havent done that have they. sometimes they DO. i dont know what to do in that situation. i would of course take them back. with many serious long conversations about how they can never do that again. well i cant take them “BACK” because i was never with them to begin with; and i dont want to be Just Friends. I just want them not to HATE me for something thats not worth hating somebody for.
  3. should you beat meat thinking of them? PROBABLY NOT. its probably even more useful for you to think of them fooking other people…..cuz thats what theyre doing. but that is kinda torturous too.


google how to pretend you know what youre talking about

this was something we had to do every day all day at job and it took its toll on me but sometimes i managed to do it.


shit. what she did here makes it easier for me to Hate All Women, cuz this was a woman I LIKED. in the sense of respected and admired. how often does this happen? never!

also her just Disappearing makes it easier for me to project HORRIBLE things on her, like oh she is out getting assfooked on a website right now to get money for Drugs or something. just taking multiple black dicks at a time. spitroasted.

makes her look worse than she really is in other words. well what does it matter tho, if shes horrible to me? so its good for me to make her into an even BIGGER monster!!!!!

well really i would just prefer a happy medium. see her as a flawed but not monstrous human being. instead i turn her into the boogeyman, a huge whore that is like the whore of babylon or some shit, taking 10 dark cox all at once.

you say i am obsessed about being Cucked by Cox of different races. Well, its a fact, that some women who have rejected ME, did NOT reject the Nonwhite Coch. and yes it does sting knowing for a fact that they sucked and fooked that dark coch but wanted nothing to do with me.

so….visualizing them fooking and sucking black coch, like i know they did…..that would make me hate them faster, therefore i could go through the hate phase quicker, and therefore get to the end phase of indifference / over it faster?


i dunno maybe. its not as counterproductive as contacting them or looking at them on FB. thats supertorture.

shit i could reactiveate my FB and see if shes still blocking me!


SHE REALLY WANTS TO, SHES JUST AFRAID TO. so she needs me to contact her.

that kind of thinking will get you in TROUBLE. GOD DAMN. DONT DO IT.

She threw me out of HER life. and not for anything that would warrant being thrown out of anyones life, like abusing them or stalking them or cheating on them.

oh but you ANNOYED her with your WEIRDNESS you beta creeper.

maybe but thats still not a valid reason for throwing someone out of your life.

when someone throws you out of their life, and you havent done a HORRIBLE thing, and if youre not a horrible person, then you probably havent. you will just sit there for a few months worrying about whether you did soething horrible. but you didnt. since when is getting feelings and being a little awkward about it HORRIBLE. NEVER.

but for months you will think you did something horrible. because why else would they do this to you.

it never ends. like a never ending nightmare. someone who was once kind to you now doesnt care if youre alive or dead.

heh i guess i was so desperate for young women to be NICE to me. i suppose if another purty young woman were NICE to me and showed INTEREST in me, i could prob get feelings for her.

yep i just divorced muh husband of 20 years cuz i just LOST INTEREST in him.

it is discouraging when women LOSE INTEREST in you quickly. hahahaha. ok better go to the fathouse and stare at 18 year old gurls hahahahaha.

119/153 days since hahaha. just did an 8 miler at the fatclub. the perfect 10 blond girl got on the treadmill right in front of me again. actually she would be more of a 10 if she were in WORSE shape hahahaha. she has big manshoulders because she lifts brah hahahahahaha. and her buttocks are too SMALL. she needs to STOP going to the gym so much in other words and start eating MORE mickey d’s hahahahaha.  prob one of those gurls who works out OBSESSIVELY because she has issues about being born so Pretty hahahaha. of course i go there OBSESSIVELY too, out of issues with being a loser and being destroyed and trying to Get Over That Woman.

Fully 50% of the people are nonwhite! either arabs or albanians. lot of swarthy blackhairs hahahaha. i can usually tell the difference. the arabs are even more swarthy and their langauge sounds angrier, sounds like hacking and spitting. the albanians, their skin is a little “whiter”, and their language sounds more “russian” with lots of sh sounds, but not as pleasing as russian. both are hypermasculine and emotional and hot tempered and probably beat and raep women hahahaha.

anyway i had a moment of clarity as i was leaving. i thought, shit, even if i miraculous got together with her, you think it would last? hell no! she would end up dumping me within a few months for some bullshit reason.

i got an image of a man and woman argueing with each other. the type of argument where its more like the man begging and pleading the woman, and the woman being closed and stubborn and obstinate. the man is open, desperately open, the woman is closed, and she’s never gonna let him in. she clearly has lost all respect for him, she’s stopped loving him, and any sane person viewing the scene knows its over. she is DONE and no amount of begging and pleading is gonna make her change her mind. she is done and he is gonna be DUMPED. there is nothing he can do. literally nothing.

i think you can picture that scene fairly well. even i can. well thats what would happen with me and her. thats kinda what DID happen, tho in a more extreme form. i was begging and pleading and she was closed and cold and shut down.

anyway i could just see myself in that position of beggar, supplicator, begging her essentially, please love me, please give me a chance, please respond, please be interested in me, please want to make this work, please dont leave me, PLEASE WANT TO MAKE THIS WORK, and her rolling her eyes and sighing and saying ugh and then saying well you could stop being so pathetic for one. and then dumping me.

thats the best i could hope for. that HOPELESS situation where you cant do shit, and you are a Desperate Begging Supplicator, and she is gonna be gone real soon, and you are gonna be heartbroken and devastated. there is nothing you can do to make her want to stay. one of the things completely out of your hands. THEY have a responsibility too, and they dont want that responsibility any more. they are saying nope dont want to do this any more.

same thing whenever ANY woman dumps you. she is DONE and she doesnt want to be with you any more. simple. BUT i argue they dont have to dump you like that. appreciate the fact that somebody luvs you, and be careful with their damn heart.

i guess its a lot EASIER to get MAD at them for burdening you with this situation you dont want, then you dont have to DEAL with the reality that someone loves you, and you are breaking their damn heart hahahaha.

anyway i had a moment of relief there when i thought, well even if she said “yes”, it would still end in a similar dumping, thinking of that image of the man begging and pleading, when really………THERES NOTHING YOU CAN DO. THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS YOU CANNOT CHANGE.

they have to want to love you, they have to want to make it work, they have to have interest in you and love you. if they dont have that, you can’t do that work FOR them. its OVER.


120/154 days. yeah google spreadsheet.

ok lets try to find or make a pciture of the scene i was describing: begging, anxious, desperate, loving person, vs a cold, distant, angry, annoyed, DONE, its over person.

hmm cant find many GREAT ones but here ya go:


yeah that vaguely turkic looking gurl is dangerously, unhealthily anorexic but i would cautiously throw it in her just to see if i stay hard hahahahaha and then i would give her 5 whole dollars to get dollar menu items from mickey d’s because yeah honestly this girl is too skinny.  i hate fat hambeasts but skeletal skinny gurls i just feel sorry for. doesnt that Big Guy think shes too skinny? i should just delete this picture. i dont care if shes not white, my protector and provider white knight instinct wants young women to be healthy and not wasting away.


plee bae iz so sorry i dun ate dat last chikun wang, plee gibs me dat ass doe bix nood


please sweetie dont dump me, you can even fook that black guy in the above picture and i will prep him 4uuuu


im sorry i only made 80 grand last year, i will go to devry.edu and get a masterz of business so i can make 81 grand next year

crap like that. just in my case imagine the guy looking sadder and more Hangdog and Desperate, and the woman looking more hateful, annoyed, contemptuous, and cold. i am so disgusted by you i cant even LOOK at you.

late 90s and early 00s i had by adolescence. it was a nihilistic time. and i was a kind of nihilistic guy. my fam did the best they could but boy did i rebel against everything i could, and became a degenerate nihilist in the process. if i had just been a faithful religious person from a young age. faith from a young age. just been like fook yeah jesus loves me and i love him and he is gonna make me strong so i can be a huge successful winner.

NOPE. it was more like jesus thinks i am a sinner because i wanna jurk off and bang wimmin and he punishes people who want to have pleasure. meanwhile i am jurking off all the time and look at PORNO from like age 15 or 16.

well, to be fair, i did want a loving serious monog rel as well. that was about the least degen thing about me.

i didnt LIKE skool but i did well at it, it didnt make me nervous, i felt competent, but it was stupid. unlike now where i feel incompetent at everything, no skills, not good at anything, and nervous whenever faced with any task because i am gonna fook it up. never had that when i was young.

but yeah everything was about escapism. do your stupid skoolwork, go to stupid college, get a stupid job, always get rejected by stupid sluts, seek pleasure through drugs, alcohol, beating off to pron. this was my nihlistic hopeless mindset at age 16/17!!!

i could have been like i am a white warrior of christ, gonna conquer the world like a boss, find a nice decent woman with morals, but nooooooooo.

well, i knew i wanted a “nice gurl.” that was telling. who DOESNT want a nice gurl? meaning, someone who is nice to you, as opposed to a huge bitch! also, i didnt think that being an easy sleazy slut was something a nice gurl did either (and i was right.) so basically, dont be a mean bitch, and dont be an easy slut. you had two jobs hahahahaha.

basically thats the type of woman ive always wanted. found a good one then she turned against me by being the hugest bitch ever.

like i say i was the type of guy that prob would have been happy marrying the “high school sweetheart”, yet because i was a beta nerd, and nerds werent cool and trendy yet at that time, so gurls didnt like them, All Gurls only like Big Normie Chads and Jocks. nowadays nerds and outsiders are Cool so they get gurlfrans during high school, even though they are huge Betas and the real world doesnt work like that. however getting luv and secs and cuddles from a young age prob gives them the confidence to become more Alpha.

i didnt realize finding a stupid job would be a lot harder than i thought; that i would always feel incompetent and confused; and that i would be such a huge loser, for so long hahahaha.

anyway. had a dream thankfully not with that woman. there was another young woman who seemed somewhat nerdy and cool and thankfully nonslutty although i didnt know. she was nice enough to talk to me for more than 30 seconds so i thought oh kewl. we started talking about musical instruments and im like yeah i like all instruments, i try to play everything. and shes like ok kool lets play some music. and then i pick up the guitar and i am SOOOOO rusty and horrible that i sound like ive never played before. i cant get the thing in tune, i cant play shit, its an electric guitar but i cant get the amplifier working, etc. meanwhile she is playing the guitar a lot better than i am. and i look like a bullshit liar just trying to Get INto Her Pants. and i say, i SWEAR I can play, it’s just been a while, i am out of practice, and i am having a bad day.


so i failed to impress her at all and she thought i was a loser, liar, creep. even though at one time i was ok at playing the instrument.

she was uptight and slightly bitchy anyway but in that way that signaled she was not a slut; not in that way that meant she was just a huge bitch. either way, i usually like them a little nicer than that. but i guess ultimately, non sluttiness trumps niceness!

heh. i wish there were books and videos on the most important parts of jobs: like in general how to explain shit to people, shit, how to UNDERSTAND shit and explain it; and how to explain the common point of, we cant do this for you because it would cost too much, in situations where its not clear why it would cost too much. like explain to me why this ketchup is free, but i have to pay 50c for this little thing of bbq sauce. WHY DOES THE BBQ SAUCE COST 50 CENTS????!!?!??!?!?!?! i dont know it just does. but thats just not a good enough question. unfort youd need a manager or level 2 or a Buyer to explain that, and One Does Not Simply produce one of these people at whim. you ae a gatekeeper, its your JOB to keep these types of people AWAY FROM the higher ups. by bullshitting your way through WEIRD, RIDICULOUS questions that only higher ups realy know how to answer. this has always been nerve wracking for me. some days i was good at it; but 55% of days, i was not.

when the pressure is on, you fall apart. not a hirable way to be.

google how to be better under pressure

i say that having a nice nonslutty GF that you just cuddled with the night before makes you a lot more confident in dealing with people. but you cant get that quality GF until you have PROVEN yourself!




but yeah it sucks that a person can be both so nice to you and also so mean. how about a happy medium. i dont treat people all bipolar like that. i try to be nice to them at all times. i might be shy and boring and awkward but i am never mean.

now shes gonna say i was living in a fantasy world and we were never THAT close. well i did have some fantasies, but we were damn close from fall 2013 thru summer 2014. hehehehe. for her to say otherwise is HER living in a fantasy world. total denial and delusion.

i should have never invested in my 401k. is it supposed to take out 60$ a year for maintenance fees? it doesnt even MAKE 60$ a year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

when women give up secs too fast, they attract the type of men who will NOT be good long term mates for them, and turn OFF the type of men who WOULD be good long term mates.

this is why i so mcuh preferred being just friends with a woman first, then getting feelings later. cuz you start off genuinely liking and respecting the person for who they are, you learn to view them as not a slut. but of course they put you in the friendzone. the only way you not be in the friendzone is if you have secs with the woman within 2 days of meeting her, like a damn slut. meaning, you can never respect someone you have secs with, cuz its right away or never at all.

how to refuse a demanding customer google

you dont want to refuse them service altogether. you will serve them their mcnuggets but you wont give them the dipping sauce for less than 50c because policies and costs. “how can that little sauce possibly cost 50 cents!”


i think i linked this before, but its worth reading twice. great points here. unfort no great advice for the workers IN those jobs.


surviving at my last job was a major achievement. at least 30% of people quit when they saw how ridiculous it was. just said fook this, this aint worth it, and stopped showing up. maybe another 30% of new hires did actually struggle to show up, survive, do a good job, but they werent learning fast enough, and they were asking for help too much. help that we couldnt afford to give. so they were laid off. leaving the final 40% who survived. and i was one the few the proud the brave. which you wouldnt expect out of a beta loser like me, and especially not in the state im in NOW. but back then i survived. and after a long time of struggle i actually became competent. really if i can survive there i can survive anywhere, even a restaurant.

saw the shrink, talked about jobz and being confident and that person. i sometimes want to contact her mother or a mutual friend. that would be WEIRD tho. she would be CREEPED OUT that i am still bothered about it. well fook that i say, it is what it is. i am still bothered about it.

again it helps to look at what i really WANT: do i want to be friends, or do i want to be more than friends? and also if i have to beg her for an apology, what kind of apology is that? i will eventually be bothered that i had to beg her. and then i will want ANOTHER apology i will never get.

there is Ebb and Flow and Ups and Downs in every Rel, but in an healthy rel, both people will say, yes, lets take some time and effort to Tend To The Garden, work on our Rel together.

ok so if bane is saying hes’ a big guy FOR YOU, meaning he’s big compared to the cia guy, then what that REALLY implies is that the CIA guy is really small, and bane’s not that damn big!!!!!! he only looks big compared to really small guy. so bane is really self-deprecating himself by saying im really not a big guy, im just a big guy compared to you, you even smaller small guy. he is deprecating himself AND CIA.

anyway it doesnt suit bane’s badassness for him to deprecate himself and call himself a small guy, is my point.

but yeah the shrink confirmed that what that person did was not a nice thing, was not the right way to handle that, that doing that is not ok, i would not do that to a stranger, i would not do it to a friend, or anyone.  someone with a decent set of morals probably does feel guilty about it, someone who doesnt, has bad morals and i shouldnt want to be with them.

well an apology then would have been nice.

anyway i cant convince her. the roles are frozen now, meaning i will always be the beggar, she will always be cold and distant. its DOOMED. basically i luv her more, and she wants out. period. that is where she gets off the train. that is the final act for her. i gotta get off the train too. cuz shes not gonna change her mind.

and MOST people have SOMETHING in their life that they just dont get “CLOSURE” for. its common. you dont really NEED closure. as much as you need acceptance from within. you accept yep. this is over and im never gonna get any answers and i can live with that now.

MOST women would AGREE WITH ME: well fook YES we need to talk about this situation and talk about boundaries and ground rules and stuff, if we are in the workplace and there are feelings. we need to handle this and prepare for the worst. what are we gonna do if/when this ends horribly. shit yeah this is complicated so lets talk about it and figure it out.

talking about complicated emotions is what people in an average health relationship do! not just ignore and avoid and run away. especially when you have know the person for 2 years and have been their friend.






anyway. if someone is hurting you, you have to tell them, especially if they are not aware they are hurting you, or dont intend to hurt you. like if some selfish person refuses to hangout with you, you have to let them know it hruts you. but i dont MEAN to hurt you they will retort.

doesnt matter, the shit you do still hurts me, and if you are serious about not hurting me, uhh take that into account and change your behavior if you really care about me bitch hahahahaha.

so i was too nice to her really hahahah. she was DONE MONTHS ago, but i naively hoped the distance was just temporary.

i should have been reading muh GAME hahahaha.

working on several other women at the same time so i didnt get ONEITIS, which i did.

putting the pussy on a pedestal!

you can see i am being facetious.

i dont think its inappropriate to get feelings for someone after you have gotten to know them for 2 years; or also for men to think you have feelings for you when you have Secs with them.

of course that second one is super naive in this age, because women have secs and THEN get to know you (if ever!) and only many months later do feelings develop, if ever, and probably not, because she flakes out or you do one thing wrong.

call me crazy old fahsioned, but this is why i beleive that women should NOT have secs with men RIGHT AWAY, but WAIT until they REALLY KNOW AND LIKE them, which will take several months! 6 months maybe!


i forgot about go ask alice, one of muh fave advice sites, even though they are marxist and degenerate and encourage women to be sluts and break mens hearts because all men are rapists or niceguy scum woman haters hahahaha.

Don’t emotionally exhaust yourself by continually reaching out. It sounds like you’ve done your part apologizing and attempting to communicate, but without his cooperation, the friendship may have run its course.

well some b is cutting herself or some gay guy because their male friend is giving them silent treatment. yeah i sorta agree, i mean youve done all you can, ball is in their court, your work here is done. now alice says “they might still care” but uhhhh kinda hard to tell if they refuse to communicate with you at all ever.


anyway despite how sex positive alice is, they still are good about emphasizing communication, and how important clear effective commuincation is. i would agree 100000%, communication is very important. not shitty communcation where you beat around the bush and never communcate about the elephant.

and if they say

i dont want to talk about it,

then you just have to say OK like eeyore and say youve done all you can????!?!?!?!


trust, commincation, and respect. how the fook can you have ANY of those things with a WOMAN, let alone all THREE? hahahaha.

heh. i used to have all three with her and it hurts to lose a special person like that. well, the communication could have been a little better. then it just got worse and worse!

but yeah its a big damn deal, it was quite simply and honestly, the closest and most important Relationship i had had with a woman in years, since i had some female friends in 2005 and 06. then we drifted apart because of distance and i didnt really get close to any women until her, from 2012-2015.


they are like SEX ANIMALS. sex is the only way they can understand anything, the only way they can have feelings, its the Deepest Thing for them.  they think it is more important than Communication, Trust, or Respect for building an intimate relationship. or a non intimate relationship!

its just amazing she can be in a long term rel and be so shitty at communicating. well she just was shitty at communicating with ME. i wish she had not been! come on! she had much less to lose with me! why NOT talk to me! because it was too overwhelming and too much work for too little reward?

i should thank her for finding ENDING THIS CHARADE and DISABUSING ME OF THE DELUSION!

well, she could have done that a lot earlier, 10 months earlier to be exact. if anythign she kept the shit going too long by giving me some mixed signals amidst it all that made me think this was all temporary.

also she would either have to communicate to End It All……OR not communicate at all, which of course is what she ended up doing. but she could have done THAT 10 months earlier is what im saying.

so im not gonna thank her for SHIT is why im saying hahahaha. but i am starting to appreciate that it will be good to have her out of my life as someone that will waste my time, and not be able to commuincate or trust or respect. then what fooking good is she really? apart from some FANTASY i can fantasize about, but everything she is in real life is annoying and infuriating and hurtful and heartbreaking? no thank you! take it back! pack your shit and leave! gtfo my life! you add no value! you bring only pain and nothing good!

if anything my communication skills are really GOOD, IF i can feel free to Speak Freely and not hide or avoid shit. but with someone i trust, i can articulate my thoughts and feelings really well. but if its some bitch i am trying to stop from leaving me, then i get emotionally compromised and start commuincating more unclearly. and sometimes they dont even LET you communicate with them hahahahaha like what happened here.

this is why it can be helpful to write emails, when then person is not right there in front of you. that can just make you more emotional and more likely to Bargain Desperately, and do something Desperate or Stupid, rather than communicate honestly or freely.

like when i would say yeah we can date other people ABSOLUTELY, when i really didnt want that, i would just do ANYTHIGN to APPEASE them and keep them around in ANY capacity.

hilariously enough, they just left me anyway, wouldnt even let me SHARE them with other people, they did not want me among the 10 other people they were fooking at that time hahahha. fooking bitches and whores.

a man who uses those words is an abuser. well i respond, that a woman who acts like THAT deserves to be called those words! dont be a bitch and hateful abusive men like moi wont call you a bitch!


look at all the people on go ask alice who are having secs for years and in ltr’s, and they have the MOST OBVIOUS problems that culd be solved with just a little communication, but they obviously dont have that. yet they still have secs and have been dating for at least a year. so how did they get to that point? with no damn communication in the relationship?

i dunno. maybe they did have some communication for a while, but then it broke down.

oh well first sign of problems, better bail out and find a better replacement! its never worth it to try to fix problems!

hehehe or at least when it came to trying to fix problems in a rel with a Repulsive Horrible Person such as myself, they always would rather just bail out hahahahah. nothing worth saving here!

so that is not helpful for the old self esteem hahahaha.

see the difference between me and women is that when i get feelings for a woman, i dont suddenly want to stop communicating with them. to the contrary, i want to talk about how the relationship may have to change. rather than running away and taking dicks and pretending nothing ever existed.

nope just bury your head in the sand and take dicks.

so yeah i will be angry at her for hurting me for a while. i know they say you are supposed to forgive them. i really dont know if you need to. i mean, if they hurt you, and you are never gonna see them again, and you know you are over them after a few years, who CARES if you FORGIVE them. like shit i wont forgive woman3, even though i am well over her, because it really doesnt do me any good to forgive her, i mean she is a dead part of my past, it just doesnt matter if i forgive her. fine i forgive her. big fookin deal. it doesnt mean anything, im just saying the words “i forgive you” i really cant feel ANYTHING toward her now but i am sure i would still fook her if she looked good. i mean i havent seen her in 10 years and i never think abotu her! just an example.

yeah i am def getting over it a bit but i am still not happy. i am angry at her for being so god damn stupid. it didnt have to be this way!!!!!!!! but noooooo she was so stubborn against communicating and acting like a god damn adult. had to act like a fooking 5 year old. just absolutely had to. couldnt even act like an 18 year old! even though she is way older than that. just ridiculous. god damn. be a little bit cooler than that. she didnt need to be THAT disappointing! its ok to be a LITTLE disappointing, but this was just too extreme.

anyway life is not fair so get used to it!

ANYWAY yeah there were warning signs. NAMELY, the Breakdown In Communication which started even BEFORE that 10 month period i was feeling for her. it prbably started a few months BEFORE that when i was afraid to directly address the topics of her old boifran and her new boifran. i mean she could have addressed the topics too but so could have it. i guess the blame there was 50 50. although in the end it was still 66 33 hahahaha.

ANYWAY yeah there were warning signs. well kind of. i didnt think those communication problems could grow so much. well it really wouldnt have MATTERED if it didnt get feelings. it was possible our Friendship was At A Dead Standstill??? i dont think so…. i mean it was moving slowly, my feelings came on slowly.

well at any rate, my feelings DID increase the communication problems, or made these problems all the more Pressing and Urgent and Timely.

i had much more of an interest in resolving the commuincation problems; she honestly did not. PLUS she probably knew i had feelings and that turned her off even more.

MAYBE we could have resolved the comm probs if i didnt have feelings. then i just wouldnt care so much either!

but thats what feelings are, its CARING about someone a lot.

anyway i dont blame her for not having feelings. i just blame her for handling the communication HORRIBLY.

i didnt handle it perfectly but she handled it worse. 66 33.

75 25 hahahaha.

but yeah i will get over it, i wont even contact her. i might never get on facebook again hahaha.

anyway right now i have NO CONFIDENCE in doing jobs. like i cant do jobs and shit. nothing. i could never be a Server in a Restaurant for example. i just cant JUGGLE that much shit. just watching them makes me anxious! i would have to take valium every single day!

the merona pants at target look very nice. they cost $25, this is kinda expensive, but if you make 25DAH at your Job, you should be able to handle it.

Merona® Men’s Ultimate Flat Front Pants

are what i am talking about.

okay i did a 3.1 miler by walking around an extra block to add to my usual 2.8 cuz i wanted at least a solid 3.0.

but yeah none of this is good for the confidence. and i am angry at her because she could have been a little NICER and not taken away so much confidence.

so i guess my confidence was at a RELATIVE “high” before all this shit started. i certainly didnt like muh job but i did ok at it, things were smooth and undramatic with female “friend” etc.

so yeah it was very worthwhile for me to communicate with her. very worthwhile. there was nothing but benefit. it would give me some sense of resolution.

there was NO worth, no value, no benefit to her to communicate, so therefore, she didnt. very simple. she didnt do it because there was no incentive to her. she knew it would be an awkward and difficult convo. she had an idea that i had feels for her. she didnt WANT to talk about it. she didnt WANT me to have feels for her because she didnt have any for me, she didnt want to TALK about it. she didnt NEED to talk about it.  she didnt think i would have such a damn hardon for Closure and Resolution and Direct Unambiguous Verbal Communication. maybe i do need more of that than the average normalfag.

yeah well these were pretty strong feelings. it just wasnt some Schoolboy Crush!

well part of it was exacerbated by the job itself. i mean i was nervous just to come in and do the job even if she wasnt there. well it was better when she wasnt, i mean for a while there i was working one day where she was off, that was better than having to see her. but it was still a ridic job.

if it were an easy job, maybe it would be different. maybe the ridiculousness of the job caused me to be more dramatic to her.  but my desire to communicate with her was still VALID. thats what you do when you have feelings for somebody. you tell them or show them.

i think my signal sending was good enough so that she Had An Idea what i wanted to talk about. i wanted to talk because i was the one with the feelings. she didnt want to talk because she didnt have feelings. if she had feelings, she would have wanted to talk, just like she did when she DID have feelings for the guy. ITS ALL ABOUT HER. HER AND ONLY HER hahahaha. think about the other person for a change. selfish as hell hahahaha.

i am a much better communicator than her hahaha. well she doesnt need to be cuz shes a woman hahahaha all she needs is a cvnt and uterus.  i aint mad abotu THAT, thats just how HUMANS are. its the same reason i prefer 20 year old women to 40 year old women, as do all men.

shit i just wish i was young again and could drink and go to parties with young gurls hahaha.

but i forget that i was young, did go to parties with young gurls, and get drunk, and that still didnt help me seduce the gurls!

also i am butthurt because i did not start going to parties until about halfway through My Youth. i wanted to be going to parties my WHOLE youth hahahaha.  wawawawawawaw.  instead i was drinking by myself or with other guys and basically NEVER LEARNED how to talk to gurlz.

so it did build confidence to have an actual female friend i could talk to, without nervousness, and actually get to know them.

well if a big part of getting over heartbreak is just to stand there in the middle of the deluge and Take The Pain beating you down, well i have def done that! in fact i might be nearing the end of that. and now i will be more pessimistic about women in general (if that were even possible!!) and worrying about jobs and also worrying about being alone forever, since when am i ever gonna find someone i LIKE again.

but i would also take a cute young fucc buddie gurl that i could bang with no feelings and i wouldnt care about her that i had no respect for her. that doesnt make me a hypocrite because i cant get preggers hahahaha i can do whatever i want because theres really no way i can defile My Biological Role as a Dumper Of Sperm, i mean thats pretty Degraded as it is, as opposed to the Holy Of Holies where Sperm Slowly Grows into a Beautiful Babby. that is a beautiful thing and therefore CAN BE defiled. and by god many/most women DO defile it!

bitches and whores!

but yeah it sucks to have something good and then it is gone forever. even if she didnt like me we still had a decent friendship before everything went wrong, and i valued that friendship, it was very important to me, and it sucks to lose it, and in such a bad hurtful way. of COURSE things HAVE to change when one person gets feelings, but you can deal with it better so that things dont end THIS badly.

its ok to put “personal reasons” for “reason for leaving.”

maybe try to put “personal reasons, good standing with employer, rehirable”


Consider the Worst-Case Scenario

With 7% of respondents to the CareerBuilder survey saying they had to leave a job after a breakup, you’ll be glad you did some critical thinking before jumping into any new relationship with a colleague.


has a lot of links in it believe it or not!



heh there is lots of stuff on communicating with them about ground rules and such. well what if they dont WANT to communicate with you hahahaha.

well i am sure if i stuck around longer we might eventually communicate, be like ok this is stupid, obviously you dont like me, but we cant go on WORKING this way!!!! and maybe figured something out. or maybe not.

i notice none of these articles mention anything like being so distraught you cant even do your job!!!! and all of these people seemed to have easy jobs hahaha.


google “working with your ex” to bring up some good results


this one says 6 month rule to get over your “ex”

also in this one, the “exes” are contacting each other almost trying to get back with each other, and you are supposed to kindly but firmly say NO! i am no longer your emotional support system!

but what if you WANT THEM BACK and they come back?

i assume the article assumes that both people agreed on the breakup?

dont know what thats like, i thought you always get dumped and then you want the “ex” to reconsider, come back to you, get your ex back.com hahahaha.

food that shit.

but yeah communication is important in working with the “ex”. no shit. communication is very important when dealing with anybody really, but especially a would be lover. it would be nice if the women recognized that fact instead of bailing out immediately. hahahah they are worse quitters than i am. they quit relationships like i quit jobs hahahaha.



shit. well if im gonna hate women i migth as well go all in and try to get it out of my system. its not liek i am gonna go be violent or abusive. i might have casual sex with a willing woman however and then refuse to date her monogamously hahahahahaha hey its her uterus, im not the one who can get preggers, she can always get an abortion hahahahahaha

god damn. having somethign good and then losing it. we didnt have the entirety of what i wanted, but we did have a good friendship, and it hurts a lot “just” to lose THAT. i cant believe it doesnt hurt her too.

i am not angry at her, well i wasnt till very recently, and she was angry at me.

thats a tough situation, when one person is angry. and the not angry person is begging and supplicating the angry person for mercy. stupid.

what did i do? cheat on her and now im in the “doghouse” and have to beg for mercy?

no, i was a friend who got feelings.

well whats better, when they Allow You to Still Be Graced by their presence even after youve got feelings?

well i argue theres a happy medium of they can say something or respond somehow to the feelings.

but she did respond to the feelings, nonverbally.

fooking women and their nonverbal bullshit. so stupid.

verbalizing shit makes people hate you less.

nonverbalizing it makes them hate you more and causes more hate and grief and drama in the world.

verbalizing is GOOD karma.

nonverbalizing is BAD karma.

very simple. even WOMEN could understand THAT verbalization!!!!!!!!

verbalizing is GOOD karma.

nonverbalizing is BAD karma.

just for good measure.

well i had the good karma and she had the fooking shitty ass karma.

men are good karma.

women are bad karma hahahahaha.

men are dogs, women are cats.

thats why women have all these stupid cats and are obsessed with their god damn EVIL SOCIOPATH cats, because women are evil sociopaths.

GOD FORBID i ever become such an EVIL SOCIOPATH.

shit i EXPECTED this sort of bullshit out of average normal degenerate dumb women but NOT HER. i thought we was different. she WAS different at one time. then she changed.

i changed, she changed.

i changed from liking her to like liking her, she changed from liking me to hating me. i think that was a bit out of proportion.  and she changed from good to evil hahahaha.


i did not know this awful person she became.

i never thought she could do something so cold to me. i trusted her and i thought she thought more of me As A Living Human Being than that. Regardless of how Fight Or Flight, or Avoidance oriented she is.

well, i guess that is not irrelevant. you can still care about a person, but treat them like you dont care at all, because of Avoidance????!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

i dunno.

also, when you BLOCK somebody, it means you are ANGRY at them.

but does it?

it can also mean you are AVOIDING them.

i cant even say if shes angry at me or not! all i can say is that she is AVOIDING me!


well i said in all the emails that “my door is always open”. but she prob didnt read these emails. the most beautiful emails ever written, the most beautiful thing ever verbalized from one person to another in all of human history. because women dont like writing, talking, or verbalizing. god damn stupid bitches! how can you hate VERBALIZING!



hehehe might be time for another 2.8 miler. you see why i do those.

but yeah i….. could not be cool enough to do the Pretend Like I Dont Like Her Gambit to try to Win Her Back. that just feels like a bad idea on gut level.

unless i had cooled off to the point where i didnt like her any more.

cuz its terrible to meet them again after a few months, still want them more than ever, all the feelings come back, they might get guilted into having secs with you because, then your hopes get even higher, feels get even higher, but deep down, they are still cold against you and dont have feelings for you at all.

learned that from woman2004 and woman2005a! in both cases i tried to “get back with them” and it of course backfired in just that way.

really dont want to repeat THAT mistake!

and i never did. course i had never been that close to a woman from 2006 to like 2015!


you can know a woman for 2 years and have less of a connection with her, than guys she met 2 HOURS ago. un fooking believable how gullible and stupid and self destructive women are. its amazing they even exist. maybe they should be locked up like handmaids tale brood mares and have men control their Reproduction, becuase they obviously make the SHITTIEST REPRODUCTIVE DECISIONS!!!!!


they are not INTELLIGENT enough to handle the RESPONSIBILITY that they are BORN WITH!

how does THAT happen?

shitty degenerate culture, no father figures, public skools, tv, media, horrible friends, i know i know.

so on some “metrics” i am Getting Better, but in terms of beign OBSESSED with how could she do this, i cant believe this could happen, i am just as bad as ever.

she did this because she is just avoiding the situation, and nothing i can do can make her STOP avoiding the situation. serenity to accept the things i cant control.

and even if i could control her responding to me, i couldnt MAKE her like me.

heh. ok might need to do another 2.8er here, go for the 8.4 day today.

ok did a 2.2 er but will do another 2.8er later.

shit. you cant MAKE somebody stop avoiding you.

i liked her because she was not CRAZY the way so many women are CRAZY.

but then she went and was CRAZY TO ME and me alone.

holy shit i will never luv another person again.

well thats not true, i luv all the poor lazy losers out there.

but loving a woman in that special, long term, monogamous, baby making way?


DIED OF A BROKEN HEART it will say on my tombstone. hahahaha. no jk i wont DIE but muh life will never be the same.

but maybe thats GOOD!!!!

well its good in some ways. i GUESS its good to be out of that horrible job envronment. its GOOD to be DISABUSED of the DELUSION that there is a Living Relationship between me and THAT WOMAN.

it is good that i am Exercising moar. i think 8.4 miles a day is gonna be absolutely mandatory.

so lets say you are at planet fatness in the winter fighting for a treadmill between all the fat single mom hambeasts and the fat stinking arabs hahahahaha, and you have to go to the bathroom. or you because you have to walkjog for a full 150 minutes 7 days a week in order to lose 1 pound per month, you just want to go to the bathroom or rest for a few minutes because normally you would break this up, into 3 damn 50 minute sessions.

so is there some way you can save your treadmill for x minutes? would they let you rest for like 15 minutes and then come back? i was under the impression that everybody is fighting for a god damn treadmill after 4 or 5 pm.

anyway. it didnt have to be this way. woman2015 should take fookin NOTES from woman2012, who handled it a SHITLOAD better by writing one god damn email, which gave her untold great karma over woman2015. ONE EMAIL GOES SUCH A LONG WAY. it wasnt even a LONG email. it was like one decent paragraph. I wrote like 100 decent paragraphs in my series of emails to woman2015.

what did woman2012 say? exactly what you would expect: im sorry, i just dont have those feelings for you, youre still a great person, i dont want to hurt you, its been nice knowing you, sorry to let you down. and i responded saying thank you for being honest with me, that is so much better than what MOST WOMEN do, being lying bitches and spineless cowardly chickenshits hahahaha no i didnt say that. but i said thank you for treating me with the respect to give it to me directly.

and that was it. done. i wasnt JUMPING FOR JOY, but i was never super angry or hateful or bitter towards her. she handled it like a damn MAN hahahaha. verbalized it directly and unambiguously. of COURSE most women wouldnt do that. they just dont COMMUNICATE like that! well i wondered about her gender identity anyway, she was kind of mannish. asexual virgin lesbian or potential female to male transsexual hahahaha. not even really kidding. but she still had a nice body and A Kind Face hahahaha. Kind Eyes.

well so did woman2015!!!!!



Learning some Great Life Lessons thru the Beauty of Intimate Relationships With Women!

It really PAYS OFF to get CLOSE to people hahahaha.


no i am entering a blatantly angry phase right now. that is fine. no problem mon.

i cant believe that fooking cvnt, i trusted her, i LOVED her!!!!!!!!!! and she broke muh heart mercilessly, and it will remain broken and useless for like a damn year of my life! my precious time!!!!! why have we even evolved the capacity to LOVE??!?!?!

oh wait i know the answer of course. its a K-selected thing in colder climates, to encourage nuclear families, high investment parenting.

but our Culture, since the Rise Of Cultural Marxism, is ecnouraging r-selection over K-selection.

meaning, you have Broods Of Babbys like they do in the Bush and go for QUANTITY over QUALITY. while K selection is QUALITY over QUANTITY.

so have lots of secs, have lots of babbys, or lots of abortionz, whatever you want, if it feels good, do it, short term instant gratification, no consequences, no commitment.

bitcoin poker note: u get krill even if u FOLD immed & never bet! assuming theres rake. about .1 krill for .01 rake. need .40 pot, never happens at .01 table, much more at .02 tho. just sitting at the table gets u krill!!

(krill is the rewards/promotions system for Loyal Playerz like moi. But the trick is, you get barely any krill playing at the .01/.02 table, and WAY more krill playing at the .02/.04 table, because at that higher table, you get way more pots that are .40 and above! which is necessary for a rake, which is then necessary for krill. ANYWAY you dont even have to BET, you can get crap cards and fold them immediately, and if theres a rake, you will get krill!)

now, is krill REALLY important is another question.

ok i gotta go back out there. 2.8 miler ftw.

ok did that. didnt really get woman out of mind. thought about how i would never want anybody but her. that we would make The Perfect Couple. that i really should contact her in like 3 months.

but yeah. i would still have feelings, and she would probably have less feelings, and what happens when one person has less feelings and the other person has blatantly more? they dump you within 2 months.

unless its the woman who has more feelings. then that will continue as long as the man wants.

if the man has more feelings, it will continue as long as the woman wants. which will prob be 1 to 2 months, no more, becuase she will always have a Cast Of Suitors on Deck. makes you feel real special to be Auditioned among a Sea of So Many Applicants!

7.8 miles today. i got cut short a bit.

god damn. women are such fooking BULLSHIT. youre a moron if you DONT hate them!!!!!!!!

well im back to wanting a Harem of 90000 18 year old qts just to have secs with. fook this INTIMACY with WOMEN.

well let me make a point. I believe: THE MORE MONOGAMOUS, THE MORE INTIMATE, because you aren’t SHARING your intimacy with addditional people.

so ideal intimacy is inherently monogamous.

i say this to all the women who want to date 10000000 men and have all their sperm swimming around in their uteral gateway ie Dem Beef Curtainz they gleefully spread for the cameras and for the cox.

fooking PIGS. it used to be a very respectable thing to be a wife and mother. be a virgin gurl who married young and started having babbys young. it didnt mean there was abuse and beatings and raep and shit.

i just want a nice gurl who isnt a fooking disgusting degenerate pig! is that too much to ask!

of course it is hahahaha. and the recent woman was not a degen pig but she STILL treated me like crap. out of character no less. low odds. unbelievable.

so i would prefer a degen pig who treats me GOOD then?

well the crucial factor is that i LUV the woman. and its not likely i would LUV a degen pig. i already did, i thought that was a lesson learned then, that i got my pig screen working.

oh thats another thing.


it makes them even MORE crazy, makes them even MORE slutty, lowers their already low sense of screening, makes them have secs with ANYONE. makes them more prone to cheat, makes them hornier, makes them like a “bat with broken radar, bumping into everything and everyone” to quote MUH BOY Varg Vikernes.

I approve of his Traditional Life, Traditional Wife, Traditional Children, Traditional Homeschool and Homesteading Life.

of course i would side with a “Vile Racist Neo Nazi Anti Semite” right?


tbh yes lol heil hitler 1488.

that is bitches idea of verbal communication. everthing is sarcasm, or a stupid joke, or  misses the point, or its like youre talking to a wall, or an infant. they cant think in more than 2 sentences. thats why they like texting so much. verbal communication is not something they like or are good at.

and this is how they Build Sexual Relationships and Choose the men who will Father their children and fill up our world with even more degenerate Human Garbage!

what a world!

that was a saying i used a lot on an old blog, but it is more relevant now than ever!

bitches and whores.

put this in the top shelf book, this is a top 10% post hahahaha.

heh. was “supposed” to have some nyquil today but i totally forgot about it. now it is kinda late to take the nyquil cuz i like to take it around 6 or 7 at the latest.

so if texting is verbal communication, why do women like texting so much?

becuase it allows them to bring verbal communication DOWN TO THEIR LEVEL of shitty nonverbal communication. they take the verbal and ruin in and pervert it and make it into ambiguous, confusing nonsense. CHAOS REIGNS. anything to make chaos of out order, when MEN want to make ORDER OUT OF CHAOS.

no wonder men and women are natural enemies!

but Healthy people dont have such an ADVERSARIAL relationship with the opposite gender. its because i was raised with Traditional Gender Roles and Gender Pronouns and not ze, zir, zhe, and xyr.

any 18 year old will know i am not making this bullshit up.


but i am really not THAT good at bullshitting either. otherwise i could sell myself better to jobs and women and have more success in that department.

i can bullshit OK, SOMETIMES. but not super good, all the time.

some good, some of the time.

goddam bitches can suck mah dick, bitches.

yeah at this point, gotta do 8.4 miles every day.

praying to GOD a little bit just to get her out of my mind. this is ridiculous. this can never happen again. the crux was working together. if we didnt work together

  1. the tension would have not built to such a point, ie we would have been more likely to communicate, and not gotten so goddam weird and ridiculous with me seeing her every day
  2. i would be able to keep the job
  3. i could use the job to distract me, rather than be distracted FROM my job, to the peril of my work performance!!!!!

now i cant even remember the good times anymore, cuz it all ended in such SHIT. its like its two different PEOPLE.

the pain is UNBEARABLE and UNRELENTING and MERCILESS. how can you NOT be changed?

but thank GOD i guess i am doing a little better. it really doesnt feel like it though. thank GOD i have a home.

well she can go have a bunch of bastard trash kids and i will laugh bitterly because she could have know True Love rather than being Fooked like a Cvmdumpster Whore. but if she thinks i am gonna be CAPTAIN SAVE A HO after she’s whored it up for a few years, shes got another thing coming.

so its a red flag of an abuser when a man uses words like “bitches” and “whores” and “sluts”. bla bla bla. i dont really use these words when talking to women unless i am joking. or trying to test them to screen them for sluttiness, to make sure they disapprove of sluttish behavior. you do not want to have a monog longterm rel with a SLUT.

type of woman that give Blowjobs to Guys In Cars.

it is sad to think she might be going down that path. so sad to see a good woman TURN bad. it breaks your heart all over again!

bitches and whores. the ones that arent disgusting whores will break your heart 10 times WORSE. i dont think i oculd get my heart broken by a whore because i would never fall in LUV with a whore again! havent in at LEAST 6 years when i got some feelings for a whore, but i wouldnt quite call it full blown Luv. she continues to pile up the cox even as she gets older, uglier, closer to The Wall. good fookin riddance whore hahahaha.

i can just repeat the same bullshit over and over again, like i cant believe SHE would do this. i thought i KNEW her. i TRUSTED her not to do something so heartless. especially to me. i thought our friendship well it did not entitle me to secs or to romantic luv, but i beleive it DID entitle me to RESPECT and COMMUNICATION and a Seat At The Table To TALK ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP.  OH NO THATS TOO MUCH TO ASK. god damn.

maybe it is. maybe people can do whatever they want.

well then i reserve the right to have Muh Feelings Hurt when somebody HURTS me!!!!!!! shit.



ooooooo you know what, i DESERVE the shitty treatment i got because I was shitty, i was AGGRESSIVE and made her feel UNCOMFORTABLE. i crossed the line and aggressively made her feel uncomfortable and unsafe, and at that point, they dont need to offer any explanation, they are allowed to outright BLOCK you without any communication, becuase you cant handle communication, you use communication as abuse, you aggressively abuse in trying to get communication, you make women Feel Unsafe.

wow. i dont even know what to say to that. didnt i worry about this weeks ago? of course i did.

maybe i made her feel uncomfortable, but UNSAFE? i dont think so. she knows i am not a violent person. shit i have proved i am not a violent person. i havent done anything stupid or violent or abusive towards her, other than make her feel uncomfortable because i was pushing her to hang out and i was getting more and more nervous and emotional. ok FINE that would make a person uncomfortable i admit it.

but my retort to that is, i am ENTITLED to make her a LITTLE uncomfortable because we had something REAL that was in jeopardy. I thought We Were Friends, and that that friendship “entitled” me to communication.

of COURSE me changing my feelings then changed the friendship to…..some kind of limbo, transition, purgatory. THATS WHAT I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT!!!!!!


i made her feel uncomfortable because i was pushing to talk about something that was affecting our rel; and not talking about it was affecting it (negatively!) too. the best damn response would be to talk about it, not NOT talk about it!

IT DOESNT MATTER what i was trying to talk about, NOTHING justifies you making a woman UNCOMFORTABLE!

see, i think that attitude of treating women as angelic fragile babies is not a good thing to do.

Sometimes you need to BREAK OUT of you COMFORT ZONE, and that is gonna be UNCOMFORTABLE by DEFINITION!!!!!!!

and the type of conversation we needed to have could not NOT be uncomfortable. but having the conversation would not necess Fix The Relationship, but it WOULD fix the ISSUE of, shit is getting weird. WELL HERES WHY.

oh but i wasnt making her feel uncomfortable, i was making her feel UNSAFE.

i call BULLSHIT on that.

well i dont have to have a History Of Violence, to make somebody FEEL unsafe.

BBBBUT  WE had enough of a history that she KNEW i was not a violent unsafe person! she trusted me and i trusted her!!!!!!

but i was too AGGRESSIVE. youre not supposed to be this AGGRESSIVE with people!

i dont think i was being TOO aggressive. besides women are not fragile angels who cannot take aggression, they are dirty whores who love being aggressively fooked hahahahaha.

but thats ROLE PLAYING, its not REAL aggression. all these rape fantasies and 50 shades of gray fantasies that all women have, its not a secret desire to actually be raped, its a desire to ROLE PLAY and to Role PLay Submission to an Aggressive Role Player. it means women enjoy PRETEND Aggression, NOT REAL Aggression!!!!!!! I would know that if i ever had a healthy relationship with a woman before, or was Sexually Or Emotionally Mature!!!!

hehehehehe goddam. well EXCUUUUUUUUUUUSE me for always getting dumped before the long term rel point!

thats BECAUSE i have red flags and am not MATURE enough for a long term rel! thats WHY they dump me before that point, because they can SEE i cant HANDLE it!!!!!

yeah this would have been a lot better if we didnt work together.

but i cant believe that with the benefit of hindsight, and a bit of time and distance to get a cool head….. she couldnt say omg i treated him horribly and should apologize for the bad karma! because she was the type of person to care about karma and Doing The Right Thing and Treating People with Respect. we TALKED about that sort of stuff, when we were on speaking terms, when we were friends.

im not asking to continue the friendship. the friendship could not possibly continue as is with my More Than Friends Feelings. this changes the nature of the whole rel, and needs to be talked about. i described all this fully in email4 or email3. one if not several of the damn emails that were never read. automatically deleted.



well FOOK she emotionally abused ME worse than I emotionally abused her! she gave me Severe Silent Treatment, vs me Pushing To Hang Out once every Two Weeks. that is, i ASKED every two weeks, i wasnt asking ERRY DAY to actually hang out every two weeks! i never ACTUALLY hung out with her even once!

so next time i will be better about communicating via email if the b doesnt want to meet in person.

But Women Just Thing Email Is Weird. Thats one of the Natural Differences between Men and Women!

i call bullshit, because even though there ARE important diffs bw men and women, i dont think Email NEEDS to be one of them!

its communication! i thought women LOVED talking and communication hahaha.

but not that kind. they like talking face to face (hahahahahahah!!!!!) or texting.

well i will also be better with texting as well.

well, women dont like email, because they naturally think its WEIRD.


I especially like this stupid axe commercial where the guy touches his armpit to see if its dry, and the slutty announcer girl is selling the dryness of the product, and then she says why are you touching your armpit, DONT, THATS WEIRD.

when its OBVIOUS why he is touching his armpit, to test the dryness of the shitty product, and any normal person would see that, its NOT weird, it’s NOT ANYTHING.

but this is how emotional, irrational, and INFANTILE women naturally are. thats why they dont like email.

also because it gives the man a chance to write a long, detailed, logical, creepy, weird argument that she cannot respond to.

BBBBUT I thought all these women do masters degrees, so writing 50 page papers, making an argument/thesis, with 50 different sources, should be something they are VERY comfortable with!!!!!

well not all women do masters degrees, so not all women are comfortable with writing 50 page papers.

besides writing a paper is a lot harder than writing an email!

says ME!

well even if they just go to regular college, women still have to WRITE PAPERS, probably with the longest being 10 to 15 pages.

that would still be a good length for a solid, Its All Over, End Of Relationship, Closure Email!!!!

because you dont need to have beautiful profound A+ college sentences. you just write like you would talk, only hopefully in a more peaceful setting, where the other person isnt aggressively emotionally abusing you, making it impossible to speak freely hahaha. so you just use it to speak freely and honestly and say the things you really want to say, that you want them to know. that might be difficult to say when they are there Emotionally Abusing you hahaha or you are getting Emotional about that. i think email is great BECAUSE you can speak freely, and clearly, and completely.

so THATS why women naturally dislike email hhahahaha. because it minimizes their ability to MANIPULATE and control hahahaha.

i never wanted to manipulate, i just wanted to have an open and honest conversation between two people, a dialogue. well maybe i was trying to manipulate her into having that conversation.

was i wrong to want to have the converstaion? absolutely NOT, if anything SHE was wrong for NOT wanting to have it.

was i wrong for PUSHING her to have the conversation? maybe a teensy bit. but i didnt hurt her even 10% as much as she hurt me!!!!!!!!

noting that she did not hurt me intentionally. that is, if she knew it would hurt me THIS much, she probably would have acted a little better.

who knows. god damn i cant WAIT unti my fookin brain stops thinking about her.

well its PROOF that my luv is real. that i can think about literally nothing else for 2 months hahahaha. this is the type of luv that keeps people togehter for Long Term Rels, Marriages, having Churren, all that bullshit.

anyway to answer my titular question, i didnt do ANYTHING that was this bad, i didnt DESERVE this, i was done wrong, she was the bad guy, not me, the blame is split 60 40 at LEAST with her having the Majority of the Fault hahahahaha.

BECAUSE THATS WHATS IMPORTANT, making sure that THEY are MORE TO BLAME than YOU are hahahaha.

well yes kind of.

i never DENIED my role in things going wrong. i just want to point out that Justice Was Never Served, because I was always treated Unfairly.

never given a FAIR SHAKE essentially.

boo hoo poor baby was never given a FAIR SHAKE!!!!

yes i realize this is a part of life, but i am sick and tired of ALWAYS not getting a fair shake. JUST ONCE I would like things to work out! Other People Make Longterm Rels work in their early and mid twenties!

oh but now youre COMPARING yourself to others! and you cant do that!

its really really hard not to though. i think its kind of NORMAL to do this, to an extent, so you can see if you are On Track or not. or how weird vs how normal you are. then you can either Catch Up…..or fall way way waaaaaaaaaayyyyyy behind like we have hahahahaha.

but yeah i cant BELIEVE how much you have to walkjog just to lose damn weight. like 2 hours a day, EVERY day, 7 days a week, just so you are not a huge fatass and might be able to pull a woman attractive enough to give you an Erection.

so where do all these sexhaving normalfag nonvirgin fatties find the time to walkjog 2 hours a day every day when they are working 50 hours a week?

answer, they dont, cuz they are fat, and they fook other ugly fatties.


friday july 12

* maybe the lord god jesus buddha WANTS me to be doing JUST THIS. To be Shamefurry Undelemproyed, BUT Writing this Masterwerk on Helping The Woebegotten, Helping the Lost Causes. This is my life’s calling. and that being a Huge Parasite is made up for by this blog Saving The Lives of Dozens of People, hahaha.

* I am totally for Using Psychedelic Drugs as a Last Resort for your Morally Lazy Loser “Depression.” Heck it’s prob better than Electric Shock Therapy and about 900000000 times Cheaper too!

* I would probably recommend Psilocybin Mushrooms over LSD just because Mushrooms are “Natural”, but YMMV.

* Warning: the last time I tried mushrooms was approx 10 years ago and it took my already considerable “Depression” and kicked it up to a new level of intensity, leading me to make some of the worst decisions of my life, that I have regretted Every Day Since. Namely I REALLY F00ked up at College and went past the Point Of No Return, Effectively getting of The Track To Success Once and For all. Getting into a huge vicious cycle. Then I abused w33d and alcohol with reckless abandon just to escape and god did that set me back 10 years!

* However at this point I no longer have a prestigious upper-tier education to throw away, I no longer drink, I am no longer friendzoned with Gurls I am in love with, which was another component of that Mushroom Trip going so woefully wrong.

* Don’t hang out with a ton of PEOPLE. while some people connect with other people, it made me feel HORRIBLE because I just felt even MORE Alienated from the People….and these were people I otherwise got along with! I just felt Fundamentally Different from Other Human Beings, like I was a Lesser Life Form or something. Bad Trip, maaaan.

* so get a hotel room, lock the door, block out some time alone, don’t do anything drastic, get some earplugs and a Night Mask, take the mushrooms, MAYBE listen to some chill/happy music, or better yet, just record your thoughts for 8 hours. Note: the Trip might last about 8 hours. Think of it as a Day Of Work. Perhaps you should get up early in the morning, Work Out, then take the mushrooms no later than 9 or 10 am. Rather than it being midnight and you tripping your balls off, staying up all night, then sleeping the next day, ruining your whole sleep schedule.

* I would say yes definitely, get a “tape recorder” capable of recording many hours and then just talk into it as you start tripping.  talk for hours into it then go back and listen to it later. distill it down.

* Be really careful about who is with you. Again, I would recommend doing it ALONE. Of course, some say it’s best to have another person around to Calm You Down and talk you out of a Bad Trip. But IMHO, what if the other person FREAKS YOU OUT? I dunno. Just my opinion. But Me personally, I wouldn’t mind my next experience, if I have one, to be Totes Alone.

* Maybe visit a Sauuuuna during the trip if you can. This is prob a tall order! Maybe take a hot bath in the Hotel Room with some Scented Candles. Try not to drown in the tub!

steve buscemi four eyes

* Heh. How the F do you tell your Family who you still live with at age 35 that you’re going to a HOTEL to do MUSHROOMS for the night? I have no f00king clue. maybe schedule the trip for the one time all year that your fam goes out of town for a few days and leaves you HOME ALONE. Protip: this might also be a good chance to Smoke w33d, hahaha.

* Note: Don’t become a Chronic Weed Addict. Druggies who always escape from reality will always be losers. Do not be intoxicated on Drugs more than 10% of your waking hours!

* Warning: it’s possible Psilocybin can cause Fatal, Death-Causing Serotonin Syndrome if you are also taking SSRI meds at the time (Prozac, Paxil, Seroxat, Effexor, etc) so be careful with that. maybe detox from the SSRI before you do this, and/or pick a time when you are off of SSRI’s and also your brain is not all withdrawing and going crazy because of that.

* Warning: You probably should not do Mushrooms more than once a year. I have only done them a whopping two times. The first time was bretty good, the second time was godawful, and approx ten years later, I’m in no big hurry to try them again. But I am open to the possibility under the right setting, as described above.

* Buy a Drumset and then teach yourself to play it by playing along with Grateful Dead concerts, hahahaha. Or any music you enjoy. I luv drums and should save money and buy one already. One of my favourite things that I Don’t Have, like a Sauna. Not a materialistic guy who likes THINGS, but a couple of the few THINGS I DO Really like are: DRUMS, and SAUNAS. I do not think these are Bad Things to Like and Want! In my Ideal Fantasy Life, I have a Good Job, a Good Wife, Three Healthy Children, I am Happy and Healthy, I have a small home, just big enough for We 5 people, and also my Drums and a yard just big enough for my Sauna. Worst case scenario I could also put the sauna indoors.



wed july 3 2013

* so you say, academic advisors / college counselors are USELESS, they’re not gonna tell me anything I don’t know, they’re just SALESPEOPLE trying to get me to buy as MUCH of their product as possible. I say, put all these thoughts out of your mind until you actually GO. Tell yourself the following mantra: “GOING TO SEE THE COUNSELOR IS A CURE FOR MY MORALLY LAZY LOSERNESS. GOING TO SEE THE COUNSELOR WILL MAKE ME LESS OF A LOSER. IT WILL DIRECTLY SOLVE THE PROBLEM OF ME BEING LAZY. IT WILL MAKE ME LESS LAZY.”

* Come up with tons of Easily Memorizeable Mantras like that and put them on flashcards and memorize them for 5 minutes every day.

* You can’t PROVE the counselors are just SALESMEN. Maybe I’m just NAIVE, but, even the huge CYNIC that I am, I Want To Believe that MOST Counselors WANT to do a Good Job of Counseling The Confused. You don’t just WALTZ into one of these jobs because you’re somebody’s COUSIN. No, you gotta have a Masters Degree and Be a True Believer and have 10 Unpaid Internships and Outcompete 1000 other Counselors Vying For the Job; you can’t simply be a Morally Lazy Hamsterwheeling Clockwatcher. THEY WANT TO HELP YOU. THEY DON’T WANT TO SCAM YOU. If ANYONE wants to SCAM you, it’s the higher-up ADMINISTRATORS making 10 times more money than the counselors. The SUITS you NEVER SEE. The PLUTOCRATS.

* Is TOTO nothing more than a POOR MAN’s JOURNEY? I Think Not! Maybe they are a RICH Man’s Journey! [this is not a MUSIC blog!!!]

* As you go throughout your day at your Humiliating Underjob, ask yourself, HOW CAN I QUANTIFY THIS? Things that you’d think you could never put numbers on, you can put numbers on. And then put those numbers into gd bullet points on your resume. That’s the hot thing in bullet points in 2013, and prob in 2012 too: QUANTIFYING “ACHIEVEMENTS”. So If you don’t have any “ACHIEVEMENTS”, then just quantify boring day to day stuff, to try to DRESS IT UP.

* When I talked in last posts that it’s okay for you to “fap” about “nonperverted” stuff about some QT Waitress etc, lemm clarify: You can still go pretty far with Nonperverted. You can imagine Full Blown PIV. the line is drawn at anything Fetishistic, or Mean, or Abusive. What about Blasting on the Girl’s Face? I would try to steer clear of that, although her S’ing your D is probably ok. But Definitely steer clear of anything involving Stretching. If you’ve ever had S before, just PLUG THE GIRL INTO THAT IMAGE. (Chances are, you’re a virgin, or if not, you’ve only had S with unattractive wimmin out of desperation, and it totally sucked. However, as an Expert who has had S with An Attractive Woman One Time, I can guarantee you, the girl being attractive makes all the difference in the world!!!)

* But Don’t misconstrue me. Don’t do this 10 times a day, don’t do it more than….once every three days. And don’t get hung up / in love with that one girl. oneitis.

















* Ideally you would TALK to that girl and try to “HANG OUT” with her. But if you’re RAGING ANGRY at your Station In Life, I realize this can be impossible. Because you have no confidence and charm and can only talk about what a loser you are and how much you hate everything. Girls with that attitude can still Get Sex; Men with that attitude canNOT.

* Practice talking to people on Omegle to learn the basics of Small Talk. Then make the babby step of saying those same things to real people. Learn to love Small Talk. Women can get away with saying “I’m an Introverted Autist and Don’t Like Small Talk”; Men canNOT get away with that. Men have to be Charming, Confident, Outgoing, and learn how to convincingly fake being an Extravert. But the good news is, that’s well within your reach by doing the above things. Hopefully after a while you’ll be able to do small talk without even THINKING about it, and everyone will like you.

* heh. CONTRACTS for Rels with QTs, that is a damn good idea. I am SUCH a good Ideas Man. Like they’re not allowed to dump you before you’ve gotten your fill of Action from them, if they do dump you they have to pay you Severance, meaning you’re entitled to some Weaning-Off Action. Aaaaaannnnd you don’t have to worry about them dumping you at any time in the next 2 years, or 1 year, or 15 months, or however long you negotiate the contract to be. Like a Union Contract, or a Sports Contract, or a Gummint Contract, etc. So even if you’re not at the Top Of Your Game all the time, you don’t have to worry about them cutting you off cold turkey. Because they/you are under contract. It’s a Sure Thing. You know you can count on her to Make Out with you at the end of 2 years of 18 hour days. A Consistent Reward Schedule. That you know you won’t be left HIGH AND DRY. Won’t be LEFT IN THE LURCH.  SUCH a good idea. But it smacks of BETA, amirite? Because a REAL Masculine Alpha Man doesn’t NEED a contract to keep a QT in line!

* SUPPOSEDLY Men can get BORED with even Attractive QTs, that the novelty and excitement can wear off after The Honeymoon Period. I THINK IT’S SAFE TO SAY that THESE are not the Men I’m talking to. I wonder how long this takes. 2 months? 3 months? Pretty sure it takes at LEAST 2 months. That it takes approx 50 S Sessions.  But if I know you Betas, you get DUMPED WELL BEFORE this Exciting Period ends, and thus you remain Butthurt and Raging and Broken and Gaping Wound for YEARS, MUCH LONGER than it would have taken for the Excitement to Wear Off in the FIRST place!

* ANYWAY. Get Down And Give Me 20 Pushups RIGHT NOW. And Tomorrow call an academic counselor and set up an appointment. Have your MOM call them if you’re too NEET to use the phone! Which You may be! I HATE being PROACTIVE on the phone and don’t call people unless I’m absolutely FORCED to. Well, to combat that procrastination, get down and give me 20 pushups right now, then pray to the LORD for strength to Conquer your Fear and Anger and Laziness, and then go and make the most spaghetti pockets call you can, it’s THEIR JOB TO HELP YOU.