“ok lets just hook up drama free, for fun, no strings attached. let me know if you start to get feelings, so then i can dump you.”

what kind of world is it where people STOP fooking and playing Pseudo Relationships once one person gets feelings, i.e, wants to make it a real relationship?

people WANT the fake and phony and psuedo and run away from the REAL and true and deep.

see what i am doing? i am coloring the WHOLE WORLD whilst wearing the Lenses/Glasses of this Event. I am seeing the WHOLE WORLD thru the lenses of this heartbreak. viewing the heartbreak itself through those lenses too. viewing her as a monster, then viewing all people as monsters.

she did not dump me because she hates anything thats not phony hahahaha. she dumped me because she didnt have feelings for me, and couldnt handle me having feelings for her. but it doesnt mean she shuns all Real Feelings! she can have them with some other man! hahahaa. so you see why i don’t want to think THAT. so i should just snap my rubber band.

but it doesnt mean ALL women are casual sex nihilists who dump you as soon as you get feelings!

although that has been a recurring theme with all the women i’ve gotten feelings for. they have rejected my feeligns and said “no thanks” and there the relationship ends. no woman has ever wanted muh feelings hahahaha well that IS true, and has effected muh self esteem.

also she was a pretty important part of my life. now she is gone entirely, ripped out in a harsh manner. shit yeah its damn near traumatic.

so maybe that is WHY people dont like feelings and luv, cuz LOVE IS PAIN and they dont want to heartbreak again,  so they only do casual sex relationshits.

well i argue that keeps their heart from ever HEALING!

heh. yep i feel like a total failure with women. jsut because every woman i ever had feelings for has rejected them and i never had a real serious rel with a women. well other than the platonic friendships. but those either faded away or turned into a huge clusterfook like this one. i got feelings, and the feelings were rejected and the whole relship ended in the worst most painful possible way.

well thats not true. i guess i could have WATCHED her become a casual sex soulless whore, or we could have briefly pseudodated for 2 months with Fooking and me falling deeper in luv and her saying yeah i just dont want a rel, i want to have fun sex with all these guys, i just felt sorry for you, but now i jsut have no respect for you, you are pathetic and not even worth pity fooking, see ya, im gonna go have fun now, you enjoy being a loser the rest of your life, no wonder women dont like you, youre pathetic, you act like a 30 year old virgin and have no idea what to do around women lol, see ya wouldnt wanna be ya lol.

that would have been pretty bad hahaha.

i am still shocked. and hurt. that it ended this way. sure it was easier for her at a time of being overwhelmed. but i thought she might say “i have done a bad thing” and then apologize for it. but then apologizing is harder than not apologizing. but not if it assuages Massive Guilt! so maybe she didnt have massive guilt! maybe she did! i will never know!

i didnt think we were at 180, but were were at 180. we wanted different things from each other. i wanted A Serious Rel, she wanted everything to End.

this alone does not make her bad of course. i am Emotionally Intelligent/Mature enough to realize that this is a fact of life, and people like who they like, the heart wants what it wants, you can’t choose or force it. but you CAN choose how you DEAL/REACT to it, and here she chose the Cowards Way Out and cast doubt over an otherwise good friendship. yes that does matter.

so she treated me with no respect, why would i PINE over someone like that? why would i want them back? because thats what heartbreak is. you know you shouldnt, and the person is all wrong for you, and doesnt treat you right, but you dont care, because YOU LOVE THEM.

shit might be time for another 3.6er. i wasted all day doing one 3.6er, then reading about Neighborhoods of London on Wikipedia, becuase i am obsessed with my boy Millennial Woes and think i should just say fook it and move to scotland and get a gay marriage to him and we can bother be early thirties losers with no job or wife prospects hahahaha.

************* yeah. its OVER, i KNOW its over, i KNOW shes not gonna change her mind, i KNOW i shouldnt contact her, i WONT contact, but i still WANT her, and it still HURTS, and it probably will continue to do so for………6 months hahaha. **************

shit. i mean thats the honest truth, i will let it bulldoze oer me.

can i do anything about it? of course not.

i am just obsessed with LEARNING from this and not repeating the same mistake again.

ASSUMING i ever get feelings for a woman again. maybe i will casually bang bitches and never get feelings for them. THEYD LIKE THAT, WOULDNT THEY hahahahahahaha.

but honestly its not what i feel the LORD is calling me toward in a rel with a woman, HE wants me to have a traditional, monogamous, long term, loving rel with mutual feelings, with a woman. not nihilistic casual sex with no feelings. damn. do another 3.6er i guess. i cant seem to move myself.

ok did another 3.6er and thought shit why not just do a 4 miler.

anyway. yeah it would have been so good to make that work out wiht that woman. i mean it was a big deal to me. i just wanted a Nice Gurlfran for so long. whole life. not some slut you pseudodate for a few months, but someone you have a real relationship with and can see a future with.

sure i was naive by not reading her signals, or not wanting to believe her signals. cuz i wanted it so bad.

but its like you see some stupid feminist and think damn she really needs a good hard rogering and that might set her straight. i just need to have a decent monog longterm rel with a decent woman and that would set me sraight. with a decent amount of rogering in there as well.

i think damn i wish i could just PAY/BRIBE a woman to be my friend, be muh fook buddy. near the end i was desperately bargaining with female friend like wanna go out to dinner I’LL PAY FOR YOU; want to go to this event you had mentioned but you didnt want to pay, WELL ILL PAY FOR YOU hahahaha.

and that was just desperate and of course it didnt work.

but yeah it would have been sweet to get together with someone i really liked.



had a dream where i was partying, probably drinking, dont know. good news was The Woman was not in dream. there was A Woman i met 10 years ago who i developed a latent interest in after seeing her briefly about 3 years ago and we didnt even talk to each other hahahaha she didnt even see me. i was scared to approach her cuz i was a huge loser and had nothing to show for myself since i first met her at Top University. i started having Feelsy Dreams about her. i thought damn i regret not trying to date her or making an effort with her. she was cute and somewhat cool and not the hugest whore. and very cute, coulda had some good casual sex and casual cuddling hahahahahaha.

anyway it was weird how i suddenly got feelings for her just because of dreams. now they were moderate feelings, nothing like the extreme crushing feelings got for The WOman.

anyway she was in my dream last night and i was trying to Flirt with her but it was kinda awkward and i guess not really good enough for her.

later i heard a rumor she “hooked up” ie had drunk fun casual party sex with another guy at the party. i generally find drunken party just met the guy sex to be pretty distasteful and disrespectable and very disappointing when a woman you feel positively towards defiles herself by doing it.

it was a guy who IRL had been on the periphery of our “clique” and i hated him becuase woman2 had promiscuous hook up sex with him when i was trying to Get Back Together with her, but she was no longer interested in dating me. i was angry at this guy and i was angry at her. really in situations like this you should be more angry at the woman! like he would turn down a super cute 18 year old gurl throwing herself at him!

i guess their thing was similarly short lived and meaningless as it was with me. maneater hahahaha. later i came to get along with him better, realizing we shared the experience of being Used by the same woman hahahaha.

anyway that was real life, back to the dream. really nothing more to say. he had seduced yet another woman away from me hahaha. i was jealous of him because he got with the woman/women i wanted. he must be more charming. well he was possibly more charming, less desperate seeming, more witty, more arrogant, much taller, so yeah even though his confidence was more like fake arrogance, it was more than i had, plus he was tall where i was short hahahaha. so of course women picked him over me!

anyway there was too much cliqueiness in our clique and i regret that. i think it came from the women in it hahahaha.

anyway the dream was kind of good because it showed i could have positive feelings about a woman. it would probably behoove me to think of this woman because she is one of the few women i have positive feelings for.  i guess there are technically 2 women, this one and another woman i knew in 2006 and 7, and we actually hit it off, got along well, she responded nicely to me, and maybe she could have been The One who would ultiamtely not reject muh feelings. but it started out as a “long distance” thing where i only saw her once every couple months at the most, and then she moved even further away. and became a successful attorney hahahaha making shitloads of money. weird cuz she had a tender, sweet, gentle personality and did not seem like an Aggressive Cvnt, like youd associate with female lawyers.

of course it Never Really Began with these women, but i would have liked to try. it probably would have ended like all the other ones: i get dumped when i get feelings, with or without any pseudodating or feelingsless secs in there.

in all my obsession about The Woman, i often forget that she unfriended me, and then she Blocked me.

and then i felt guilt again, like, if i hadnt been so WEIRD to her, me being WEIRD made her feel uncomfrotable, and if i had been less weird and awkward, things would have been better.

well yeah not talking about it directly and saying “we need to TALK, and heres the deal”. would have probably reduced some of the awkwardness, instead of pretending there was nothign seriously wrong, until we both blew up.

really neither one of us knew how to talk about it, so we both kept avoiding it. but really theres no way but to be courageous and say it directly. i tried email which was the only thing i really knew HOW to do. yeah she really COULD have responded to the damn email rather than ignoring it.

yeah there really were BOUNDARY issues in the sense that i could and should have said: i am Not Ok with this freezing me out. I will not tolerate this. I would love to have a conversation about this.

and she could have said, I am not ok with you being weird, I would love to have a conversation about this.

and then we would have The Conversation hahahahahaha and everythign would have been settled in the epic conversation hahahaha yeah right.

so i was crashing her boundaries. and she was definitely crashing my boundaries. but her boundaries were ridiculous, basically saying, i dont want to have any responsibility for this relationship!!!!!!!! and you are invading my boundaries by trying to hold me accountable and asking me to have any responsibility which is a necessary part of any relationship!

but i was truly being weird. but because i was in luv and emotionally compromised!

thing is, i can’t ever say that to a woman in the future when telling this story because then i look like a weirdo.

LIKE WOMEN HAVE NEVER GONE CRAZY when a guy dumps them or breaks their heart. yeah right. they go crazy as shit.

well its really no womans business hahaha. youre not supposed to divulge too much of your past. me having to tell that story would be a display of intimacy that would be far beyond casual sex hahahaha. so basically i would never have to tell the story. well really i can just give the broad outline. i had a female friend, my feelings changed for her over time as i got to know her, and she rejected me in a very harsh way that broke my heart. period. end of story. thats all. no more details.

now did i CAUSE it? was it all my fault for acting weird? maybe. but its over. but i dont want to make the same mistake again!

well you could say it was unreasonable for her to just stop hanging out with me. so i should have said, that is crashing muh boundaries, i need to see you at least once every 2 months hahahaha. or i thought we were gonna hang out around thanksgiving or christmas. but nothing. what is going on here.

so i should have noticed the obvious: she is distancing herself from me and i just have to accept it. but thats hard to accept when its painful and sad and frustrating! its one thing if the person is not super important to you. but when they ARE…..then yeah you go a little crazy.

and i cant even focus on my life being in ruins because i am obsessing about some stupid woman and a situation i have no power to fix. living in the PAST.

what do you do when someone doesnt want to talk? you LEAVE THEM ALONE.

yeah i guess this would have been a lot easier if i just met the person and we didnt have a History Of Friendship. OR if i were angry at them. but i wasnt angry at them. (They were more angry at ME.) i was scared about losing them. i know i said that directly at some point. but that didnt start a conversation. if she really wanted to talk she would ahve talked. however i feel bad about not saying “WE NEED TO TALK” until way too late. and i said something like “please lets communicate better, i feel our friendship is hurting” bla bla bla. yeah we both could have been better but i am desperate to have not been The Bad Guy.

but thats really not the way to look at it. i mean who dumped who? who ended the rel? She did. without a doubt. unequivocal. and this is really all that matters.

oh but its my fault cause i PUSHED her to dump me.

well maybe she was pushing ME to dump HER by being so difficult and distant and Stonewalling. i thought i determined she was doing That Thing gurls do when they are too scared to dump you, so they make YOU dump THEM by being bitchy and awful to you, and any self-respecting person with boundaries will say, i dont desreve this, im out, im done, but i did not of course, i just got more worried and anxious and desperate.

my desire to save the rel pushed me toward her, to talk, in my own fooked up way. her desire to leave the rel pushed her away from me and my shitty efforts. if she wanted to stay in or fix the rel, that would have pushed her toward me.

i was also emotioanlly compromised because we used to have something pretty good, and that was disappearing, starting to deteriorate, blatantly being lost, things where obviously worse than the past, when they were good, and that made me more desperate to save it.

i fooked up, she fooked up, it might be impossible to Apportion Blame so i have to Let Go of that desire.

but in a way i feel like its impossible for me to make the same mistake twice here. what seems much more likely is simply never meeting someone i have feelings for in the first place!

i wanted to stay in and talk about. she wanted to get out and not talk about it. this is a true 180 and might be true Irreconcilable differences.

hehehe it only takes one to make irreconcilable differences. the one who has no fooking desire to reconcile.




the problem with her cutting me off like this is not ONLY does it feel she is not treating ME like a human being……

it ALSO makes me less able to see HER as a human being. more of a monster. more of that Monstrous Stereotype Woman Yes All Women Woman, All Women Are Like That Woman. and i can attribute all sorts of things. like she treated me like scum BECAUSE of Alpha Omega Game / Career Mating Market Matrix.

I guess its very important that that matrix did not factor into her decision with me. even though I like and agree with that matrix. but i just felt that because she KNEW me, she could treat me more as an individual and that Our Case would be Special.

its one thing when you just fook each other for a few months and it does work out, ie all my past pseudo relationshits.

its another thing when you know each other over a few YEARS and respect each other and dont naturally drift apart.

anyway yeah it dehumanizes HER as well as ME.

listened to some davis mj aurini. his youtube is less Stark and more Funny than his writing. this is attribute to talking generally being better than writing, period. i would be talking to you right now if i were not cowardly!

“the most decadent sluts since the fall of rome”

dat title pulled me right in.

anyway in that one he basically said that sex is sacred and special and trying to separate sex from love, and giving sex away for such a low price, is a race to the bottom, and sluts ruin it for everyone, and that a broken heart is very very painful. so i agreed 100000% hahahahahaha.

anyway when she throws me away like this i can make up all those horrible theories like she was one of the All Women, who rejected me because i was a loser at Game and Career. well its true isnt it?

but she seemed to have respect for me during our friendship even though she knew perfectly well at that time that i was a loser at game and career, and she didnt seem to care, she accepted me for who i was, i didnt have to pretend, i could just be myself.

but yeah basically by me changing the game, i change the rules of the game too, and when i want to Court Her Romantically Love Secs, then there is a whole new way of reckoning Respect.

i guess that is hard to deal with. i didnt really have a different way of reckoning respect regarding her.

“womens sexual liberation” hehehehehe

yeah he looks like a virgin and kinda has that atheist fedora niceguy pedestal white knight mlady virgin creepiness about him, i was judging the book by its cover, and that put me off of listening to him for the longest time. and his voice takes some getting used to. he sounds really smug and arrogant and kind of annoying and kind of gay hahahaha.  but thats just the way he talks. or the image he intentionally cultivates with his gothic look or whatever and always smoking cigarettes and drinking scotch or something. i can understand wanting to be rebellious but whatever. somebody new to listen to.

yeah heartbreak is horrible. she went from being one of my favorite people to being my least favorite. she went from being a decent human being who treated me like human being, to a monster who treated me like garbage. and it happened overnight.

we were both heading towards our breaking points, in my case being in horrible love wiht her, in her case just cutting all ties and being done with me completely and forever.

we both hit the breakign points at pretty much the same time.

i just think she is being unfair in hating me so much. what did i do that was so wrong? i got feelings for her? i did not Respect Boundaries? yeah i guess. this shit is so fooking stupid. what do you do when someone doesnt want to talk to you though? you cut THEM loose. of course i could not do that because i was emotionally compromised by muh eternal unconditional luv for her.

its HARD to just cut somebody loose when you luv them, and they dont want to talk to you.

well i dont doubt that i will do things better in the future, will have learned my lesson; but i DO doubt i will meet another female friend i could get feelings for, in the future! i mean i am getting super old and she was already 8 years younger than me!

ok. how about this. when one person wants to just walk away from a 2 year relationship, and the other person wants to talk about, we might not be able to fix it but lets at least communicate, you OWE IT TO THEM to talk to them, to communicate with them, to give your feelings and listen to their feelings, unless they are Physically or Emotionally Abusing you.

now i was emotionally annoying her, because i was pushing her to talk, but i was not ABUSING her. her Silent Treatment and Avoidance was more Emotionally ABUSIVE!!!

to the point that i VOIDED everything when i got feelings: theres no RULE that you VOID everything. [i am trying to TALK BACK to my Constant, Automatic NEgative Nihilistic Discouraging Thoughts. Verbal Judo hahahaha]. every situation is gonna be different. if there IS any RULE, its that the two people need to TALK to each other to figure out what happens to the relationship now that one person has feelings.

i just cant blame it on her being a decadent modern woman. theres nothing i can blame it on other than maybe she has Personal Psych Issues which I dont really know about, although its nothing related to Type 2 Personality Disorders, Narcissism, Borderline, Hysterical, well what she did was kinda sociopathic but she wasnt a sociopath, i dunno. she was Just Done.

so maybe she feels bad, but she’s just too Done to apologize, so i have to Reach out to her if i want an apology? well i want an apology, but what i REALLY want is to get with her.

and if she really wanted to GET with me, well she would have. she would have made the leap because there was something in it for her. there was nothing in it for her if she didnt have feels.

so its safe to say she doesnt want to date me in other words.

so i am not gonna reach out for an apology! cuz what i really want is to be with her.

so she hates me? because…..i was pushy and made her feel uncomfortable? because she thought i was HIDING something from her? i was going crazy because i didnt WANT to hide it from her! I was knocking at the door but she wouldnt open it.

yeah i did things poorly, i should have just Confessed in an Email at least 50% earlier than i did. not after 10 months but after 5 months.

shit. 3 months. 3 months is good for everything.

EXCEPT FOR getting over a heartbreak. that prob takes more like 6 months.

and also having secs. that should be at LEAST 6 months of dating and really getting to know and trust someone.

the role of sex is to bond men and women together in long term monogamous rels, to make them fall in love with each other.

did i mention i finally made that phone call i have been dreading for weeks. it went as well as i could have hoped. the person knew immediately what i was talking about and was like yep theres an error there, they shouldnt be charging you that, well get it fixed, sorry about that. took 2 minutes. and i said thank you very much.

because i am so used to me being confused all the time, and people in my office passing the buck and doing runaround not because they were lazy, but because they were confused and couldnt  get help from our superiors fast or reliably enough.  got flustered because we didnt know what we were doing, asked for help, got SHITTY help, STILL didnt know what to tell the person, couldnt transfer them to someone who actually UNDERSTOOD the situation, and then took the “easy way out” of saying uhhhhhhh we cant fix that or you need to talk to so and so.

one of my least favourite aspects of the job.

but yeah she was a much bigger part of my life than i was of her life. so it hurts me much more.

technically she didnt hurt me…….but kinda yes she did. she cant help if she doesnt like me, but she CAN help how she responds/reacts to the situation. someone always gets hurt in a rejection, but the rejector can help MINIMIZE that pain, and i believe they SHOULD, that thats the morally right thing to do.

heh. i am obsessed basically with convincing myself that i am not the bad guy, because i am not certain that i didnt do something horrible, and i deserve this treatment!

well i can conclude that i in fact do NOTTTTTTTT deserve this treatment. i didnt DESERVE to live happily ever after, but i did deserve to be Let Down Easier.

i dont know WHY thats so important to me. because i believe it could have reduced the INTENSE pain i have been suffering for a damn long time, AND because i want to believe that i’m not wrong for wanting communication.

im not wrong for wanting communication, but i went about askign for it in a bad way. next time i will know better.

honestly i had never been in this position before. falling in luv wiht a female friend. after knowing them for a DAMN long time.

i was a huge pussy about telling the previous woman i had feelings for her too. cuz we worked together too. hahaha jobs are the only way i meet women. i didnt want it to endanger our job. so i waiting 9000000 years until she left the job first, then pulled the trigger, got rejected of course, still managed to do the easy job, then met woman2015 at the same easy job, didnt have feelings for HER, but became friends, and she got us both jobs at the new place, which was horrible, but paid way more, and i quit THAT job because the rejection was too much to take!

very IRONIC dont u think hahahah.

well, the LORD was trying to tell me that i either needed to end this job, or end this CHARADE of a rel. i guess He just wanted me to end both and quit deluding myself hahahaha. but oh GOD the pain. maybe he could help me with the pain though.

but i have gotten a lot better about Brisk Jogging.

well only 6 miles today and not 9 hahaha but i blame the nyquil hangover lol.

i budgeted 16 hours but it wasnt enough. next time budget like 18 hours hahahaha.

start drinking nyquil from the moment you get up in the morning hahahaha

actually some indica budz would be just as good but the shame and stigma hahahaha.

ironic that muh female fren was my only source for that hahahaha. yeah i am glad i got rid of the stuff i had left over from her.

she was nice enough to ask if i wanted anything when she went, i thought that mean she still had respect for me as a human being.

being in luv with her was a nice little break from being a huge loser at life; and now i am an EVEN BIGGER loser, without that job. that horrible horrible job.

and that horrible lie of a “friendship” hahahaha. and now she remembers it the same way hahaha.

well i wasnt trying to LIE to her! i was trying to tell her the truth and it was becoming an elephant in the room, it was OBVIOUS to both of us that something needed to be talked about!!!!!!!!!!!

so i dont see it as a lie. a lie is them asking you is everything all right, is there something you wanna tell me? and you say no.

not please i have something to tell you and nope no dont want to hear it.

but i didnt SAY i have something to tell you. i said pleaeeeeeesseeeee can i hang out wiht you. over and over again. then pleeeease i feel im losing u and i dont want to lose u. then please our friendship is hurting, lets communicate abotu it more. then im sorry again to be weird to u then the silent treatment began and that was it.

SURE i was OVERBEARING. thats another great word for what i was. overbearing. but i was overbearing BECAUSE the issue was not getting resolved. and i could only resolve the issue with HER cooperation. which she was totally unwilling to give.

and was therefore the most disappointing end to 10 months of disappointment, which altogether was a horribly disappointing end to one of the best rels with a woman i ever had in muh whole life. the end.

of COURSE i am going to be heartbroken! for a long time!

way more than 2 months! we are at the 2 month anniversary of the Freeze Out BTW.

i just wished we could have talked. or communicated. that is all. is that too much to want? is that unreasonable? i dont think so.

but does me asking for that talking in The Wrong Way, in a eyr Overbearing way, make me the bad guy? i mean its not super smooth, but i dont think asking for a good thing in an overbearing way makes me the bad guy!

but i still am angry at her because i dont think it would have been THAT hard or painful for her to say OK WHAT DO YOU WANT ALREADY UGHHHHH

MUCH less painful than what im going thru now. although she did not intend to cause me this much pain, she could have stopped a decent amount of pain, and i really wish she had.


“MAster of failure” credit to Millennial Woes (Youtube).


ok did a 2.8 miler. before that i went to the store and did a veritable shopping spree, kinda dumb i know. wanted to find some more “athletic socks” that will dry with the sweat quicker hahaha rather than just cotton socks that soak up sweat and take forever to dry and are still sweaty and gross when i put them back on in a few hours to go back out there.

did i deserve the way she treated me? absolutely not!

was i annoying and pushy to her? sure i was.

but quite simply, that was not justify what she did. i was pushy because i wanted to communicate and get closer. if she wanted to become permanently distanced she should have just told me.

i will never do this to another person.

i have never had to Be The Rejecter, Be The Ender, but I still have learned enough from being on the Receiving End, that I will know the best way to do it if i am on the Giving End.

its not brain surgery. its not technical support land of confusion. its very simple and straightforward: be honest, tell them they’re a good person and you dont want to hurt them, but you just dont have those feelings for them and never will. talk to them in person AND get it in writing too. in person is technically best but you can forget to say things, or get nervous, and maybe be influenced by the other person if they are pushy and manipulative hahaha.

maybe thats what she was worried about from me. that if she did meet me, and i talked about this, and she said no sorry, that i would get all slimy and beg and try to persuade her and be like are you surrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeee is there even a 1% chance, and that i would do something like that.

well i mean its hard to say that i would. i mean it wouldnt be a FUN conversation. thats why she was avoiding it. plus she had nothing to gain. i had nothing to lose and everything to gain. it would benefit me because it would give me an answer.

well theoretically it would benefit us BOTH because we would have confronted the Elephant in the Room that was affecting BOTH of us.

ol millennial woes says a career counselor once told him he was “THE MASTER OF FAILURE.” (advice for the broken video, have linked before)

basically he explained he was so used to failure, failing again and again, that he was just used to it, and was beaten down by it, and always expected to fail, never to succeed.

he was sick and tired of failure, but always thought he’d be a failure, because all he ever did was fail fail fail.

“WOESY” as I and his other fans affectionately call this wonderful person, says yes that failure is good as a Teaching Tool……to an extent. but if you fail fail fail fail fail and never succeed, that just fooking sucks. you stop learning from it and just become beaten down and dejected and rejected and depressed and thing you’ll never succeed. you have TOO MUCH failure and you think you’ll always fail, so why try, and when you do try, you expect you’ll fail and you really half ass it, sabotage yourself.

i agree completely! Im right there too! I am also a MASTER OF FAILURE!

i handled things a LITTLE poorly.

SHE handled things a LOT poorly.

i was emotionally compromised because my heart was breaking and i was going crazy.

she was much less emotionally compromised, she had a little bit becuase of her life, but she was still less crazy than me. a woman. not being super crazy.

note: sociopaths are not psychopaths! you can throw people away like garbage and be ice cold, and not be crazy.

well, a sociopath can definitely BE a psychopath, i am guessing no more than 50% of sociopaths are psychopaths though. i hate to blame their sociopathy on them being CRAZY. i would rather blame it on them being EVIL hahahaha.

well back in the day people used to blame the DEVIL whenever someone did evil things. the devil made me do it. this allowed them to Maintain an optimistic view of the person, of their family, of their possible rehabilitation, becuase it wasnt THEM that was evil, it was just the DEVIL got into them, but we could get the devil back out again with some work. (millennial woes, one of the “history of rotherham” videos (C02?), about the two 8 year old boys in 1860s england who brutally killed a 2 year old boy, but they went to a Reform School and were i guess actually reformed.)

anyway i still dont think she is an evil person or a sociopath, she is still a decent moral good person who will make a great wife to a very lucky man wawawawawawawawa who better not cheat on her or abuse her but knowing her taste in men, I wouldn’t be surprised hahahaha no that’s not funny hahaha.

a good person who did a horrible thing to me, because she was overwhelmed and shut down, then time passed, then she figured oh well im done, I guess I could apologize but that is too risky, hes hurt enough, and me talking to him will just hurt him again, good thing I never read the emails that begged please respond please respond with some to just tell him that it was over to help him get closure lol what a clusterfook I am Just Done with it literally lol.

hehehe. I like making fun of women and their text talk, they just put in lol even thought it is totally inappropriate. this shows how bad they are at verbal communication lol.

I don’t like you any more and now im dumping you and never want to talk to u again lol

hahaha that would have been better!

this is worse than her getting her heart broke by that guy cheating on her!

at least she enjoyed like 4 or 5 months with him! I never enjoyed that much time dating someone! and now that he cheated on her, that means she can write him off as a horrible person, paint him as the bad person, hate the scumbag forever. I cant do that with her! I know shes not a horrible person! my first thought was what did I do to deserve this! I will always want to get with her! I cant eagerly throw her away and say good riddance to bad rubbish, fook that bitch, I hope she dies! I don’t have that easy way out here. because what she did isn’t nearly as bad as cheating in termes of intentional, premeditated evil. it doesn’t make her a bad person in other words.

so I cant say good riddance to the evil person who hurt me in an evil way.

so yeah my heartbreak is worse than hers.

also, she only wanted to TALK when it was HER FEELINGS, HER HEARTBREAK. THEN she wanted to talk to those guys. but GOD FORBID somebody ELSE wanted to talk to her about THEIR feelings. NOPE, NOT MY FEELINGS, DONT HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THEM!!!!!!!!


we are all selfish, its good to be selfish, but here she was even more selfish than me, and the selfishness was very hurtful in this instance. to me.

anyway. time for another 2.8er.

shit. maybe she WANTS to apologize, but she thinks contacting me would do more harm than good.

so i should contact her then, and say its ok to apologize hahahahaha.

see what i mean? struggling EVERY DAY with the temptation to contact her.

it has not been a great 12 months hahaha. i got older, i was shot down for that job i really wanted to get (november 2014), relship with the woman got worse and worse until it finally ended in the WORST possible way, got super emotional, quit muh job, have been heartbroke and in horrible pain for months.

what if another tragedy were to happen right now? would i even be able to process it? would i still be worrying about this stupid heartbreak and woman? or would i shift over to the new tragedy especially if it were a bigger tragedy and more worthy of grieving about?

hehehe see how we think. it is just bad thought after bad thought. ruminating.

so yeah i should not contact her. because…..she will not respond, she will not apologize, i wont totally be back to square one, but i will easily undo a few days or weeks of progress in one fell swoop.

i am always begging for mercy and it is clear she is not going to give me ANY mercy.

but i always thought she would be more merciful to me than this. holy shit.

it has been 10 months of medium disappointments with her as our relationship DIED, and she capped it off with the COUP DE GRACE, the BIG DADDY of all disappointments, the biggest one yet. not very good karma hahahaha. my karma is way better than hers hahahaha. i am the good guy, she is the bad guy. 66 33 hahaha.

what else. i had one other thing.

oh yeah,


love is lukewarm,

love is on the fence,

love is indecisive, love is unsure,

love is bored, love is boring,

love is temporary,

love fades, love dies, love ends,

love doesnt matter, love is stupid,

love is not one in a million, but just one OF millions (stolen from stupid poem i wrote in 2004 hahaha)

love is ordinary, love is common, love is nothing special.

basically a parody of the stupid biblical passage thessalonians which i hate hahaha. kinda also touching on the other biblical thing, i cant remember where, it was new testament tho, about LUKEWARM being the worst thing ever. christ wants FERVENT, FANATICAL followers, not some lukewarm, tepid, meh sort of bullshit.

well i agree and my personal definition of love is the OPPOSITE of that lukewarm stuff above. but in so many so called lovers i see nothign but lukewarm or even cold.

i think IMHO that heartbreak is a beautiful thing that captures the non-lukewarm beauty of true love.

in other words, you dont get heartbreak unless its REAL love. something that would ahve turned into something beautiful, had the other person accepted it. it could have well turned to marriage and children. there is something SACRED and DIVINE about it. MIRACULOUS. HOLY. AWESOME, in the sense that “our god is an AWESOME god;” inspiring awe.

if your heart is not BROKEN when you are done with someone………you never really loved them!

well, what about long term rels which end because of irreconcilable differnces? like the LTR the woman had. they had been together 5 years and it was obvious to both parties that it was nearing the “natural end.” that really both parties were not willing to save it, both people want out.

ok i acknowledge that this is possible. it does boggle my mind because i have never experienced it, because i have never been in an LTR, and i cant imagine, if i were, that it would end this way. i ALWAYS thinks its gonna end with ME wanting to save it, THEM wanting out, me getting my heart broken, them getting over it quickly, cuz i simply loved them more, and i continued to love them after they stopped loving me.

cuz thats essentially all i know, well, insofar as can happen when you never have a real LTR, but short term bullshit! i still had feelings for those women and WANTED to try a Serious LTR with them. they did not. and said sorry i want out. i didnt want out.

too bad so sad!

its like the master of failure thing. i only know failure, i dont KNOW what success feels like!

o god bishop fulton sheen talking about two faculties of the soul, KNOWING and LOVING. the intellect and the will.

yeah i cant find the episode on youtube but here is a bunch of them, he has several epsiodes on “LUV”.

he reads the eliz browning poem “how do i luv thee, let me count the ways” and talks abtou men and women luving each other, and men always get it mixed up with their REASON.

yeah i had to fully KNOW her before i loved her. no im not talking about “knowing” her in the biblical sense, BUT i think two people SHOULD Actually Know each other and love each other BEFORE they “know” each other in that way, and that takes a LONG time, like months and months, close to a year.

“wait a year before having secs? only have secs with people I LOVE?” this sounds fooking CRAZY old fashioned and WEIRD nowadays. but thats just how i feel.


there are LITERALLY no women who share this belief, except for jesus freaks,  (“purity culture”) and then they turn into HUGE sluts the second they turn 18 and get out of the house and/or go to college. this is fookin disgraceful imho.

whats WRONG with a “purity culture?”

so yeah i prefer more PURE women hahahahaha.

its jsut CRASS and VULGAR and DISGUSTING and DEGRADING for women to give their Babymaking Gateway up so CASUALLY!

so anyway i can write and write and write and think and think and think and obsess and obsess and obsess and i will NEVER get any further here, i will NEVER reach any conclusions, i will ALWAYS have incomplete information, because SHE has to answer those unanswered questions, and she will NEVER do that. she STILL has all the fooking POWER!!!!!!!

but she doesnt even EXIST for me any more! so SHE doesnt have any power except for the Mental Version of her which exists ONLY in my mind.

right now, EVERYTHING only exists in my MIND only.

and My Mind has LONG been a Mortal Enemy of mine! my one true NEMESIS, if you will.

i was True Loving her right up to the moment it ended in mid july. i loved her as fully as i ever did. and then it immediately ended, for me at least. she never loved me and also she had been preparing for this ending for MONTHS. but for me, i loved her right up until the last day, and even afterwards, and i still damn do.

true love, true heartbreak, MOTHER FOOKER.