I DONT WANT A PRESIDENT WHO DOESNT USE VULGAR LANGUAGE TO TALK ABOUT WOMEN

oct 5 2016

sheeeeeeit.

ok. got up and prepared for day like responsible man: shower, shave, breakfast, brush and floss, tied tie, now i am just waiting until i leave in 53 minutes to drive to interview starting at 2pm.

tell them at interview today that if it get the job at the “bank” uhhhh i have to take it. that is the one with int on upcoming tues that i am all excited about hehe. i mean it is a patently better job, better pay, prob better benefits, closer, i’d be an idiot not to. any non-failing business would agree with me hehehe.

leave for interview in 13 minutes. all dressed up atm. ready to go. try not to diaerrhoea.

shirt is def too big. pants are….not too small but they are “slim fit” unfort, so they will ALWAYS feel a little weird. i honestly could not find an ok looking blue suit that was not slim fit. it was the price i had to pay.

yeah just the idea that you need 100% accuracy and no errors, the job is, this NEEDS to be PERFECT, not 99.9%, but 100%, every time, your job is to make sure its PERFECT. ok i get that. but what i dont get is that asking a more experienced person to SIGN OFF on this is considered time wasting and hand holding and youre fired. NO. it should be Best Practices and Standard Operating Procedure to have a “Team Lead” Sign Off on your work.

oh golly gee i dont know what im doing but i hope its right because our paying client needs this airplane door to be 100% or else it will fly off at 140000 feet and 500 passengers will get sucked out the door to their deaths hahahaha.

or this bridge will fall apart and 1000 people will die and its on YOUR hands, lowly level 1 guy, not the Master Engineer who YOU thought “should” “sign off” on such an important project. no hes got better things to do like get drunk at lunch and look at Prep The Bull and Trap Porn on his work computer and make 4 times as much as you.

later

welp did my interview. it was kinda ridiculous but not in a horrible way. mainly the guy double booked his interviews for 2 people at the same time, there was a white man also dressed in a nice suit, but he seemed about 5 years older than me.  but healthy and regenerate looking hahaha. very healthy weight. anyway this other manager decided he would essentially do the interview with me, so i started talking to him, he was an all right guy, but then it was like ok lets see if the original manager is ready to talk to you now. so i ultimately talked to TWO managers one after the other and the whole thing took like 1 hour 40 minutes. thankfully both guys were nice and the company and job actually seemed all right EXCEPT there is a kind of sales/incentive pay structure, but there is a damn 13 week training program and starting at 17 dollars an hour at that time, so…..thats pretty good. the guy said the guys here were very “BLUE COLLAR” and i said thats great, I come from a blue collar family and have a Thick Skin to handle Bantz and F-Bombs hahahahaha.

i said all the right marketing bullshit about the companys culture and values and bla bla bla.

there were some times when i stumbled and sounded like an autist, similarly to how i did yesterday, but just like the person yesterday, they didnt jump on me for it or even seem to care. so i spilled the spaghetti a couple times, NO BIG DEAL. and that is ultimately pretty encouraging.

there was a sales office right there and they are hiring sales people too. i said my background was more geared towards Service Technician than Sales per se, although I DO have very good Communication and People skills and like to Educate people hahhahahahahaha.

but they also emphasized they are an Ethical company and do not try to sell people things they dont need. Which could be BS, but I said, Good, because I’m a very ethical guy and I wouldn’t want to sell people things they really don’t need. which is NOT BS!!!!!!!

well i have been so busy interviewing i missed the deadline for a few jobs to apply hehe. have to keep a PIPELINE going hahahahahahaha.

one thing i did like about the job today was that they had a lot of training. a LOT of training. 13 weeks. they said a lot of guys were confident at 8 weeks and said let me get out there, the the company wanted to err on the side of caution. and make sure people passed tests and got certified for jobs where certification was not Legally Mandatory.

now they could just be bullshitting to sell the job to me…..but its pretty good bullshit! shit yeah tell me more about how you make sure your people are fully trained.

since it does get into incentive based shit after training, i asked if any of the people really struggled with that. the manager said everyone is doing well and reaching goals. and these are salty technicians and not born smooth talking salesmen.

anyway i hate the idea that a woman will dump you as soon as you stop showing strength. that she can need you but GOD FORBID you ever need HER. is this really the way women are and i just have to accept it? I accept that men are stronger emotionally and physically and mentally than women and that men have to do MOST of the work……but I don’t think women cant be capable of doing any work at all. so you have to support her always, and she supports you NEVER? thats fookin gay.

yeah well she never gave up and walked out when her longterm boifran was freezing HER out. but im not sure he was being “WEAK” though. he was being strong but silent hahahaha. well, he might not have been being “STRONG” but he wasnt being WEAK either. he was jsut distant and cold and stubborn. but she made a real effort with him at least.

so yeah she was capable. jsut not with me. because i was weak hahahaha.

i just HATE the idea that you have to be PERFECT or else they LEAVE.

but thats clearly not true! her BF wasnt perfect and she gave him MORE than a fair chance! many women stay with men who are VERY not perfect!

yeah but these men present as strong, and not at all as weak. they dont get nervous or anxious. they might get ANGRY at the women always wanting to TALK and DO STUFF and FIX stuff. but the men are not freaking out like a hysterical WOMAN.

oct 6

 

classic album here, if you dont like this album, gtfo. train your 3dpd fat slob to like this album as you bang her hahahahaha.

as a lifelong fan of srs metal, i have learned the important and mature lesson than women who like metal = crazy = bad (im talking about like serious fans of black or death metal, not they like a few random hit metal songs by metallica or pantera or slayer or motorhead or iron maiden or something, that should be fine).

but yeah a woman that likes the CURE, i would still be pretty impressed by that. even though im old enough to KNOW BETTER about being IMPRESSED by a womans MUSICAL TASTE. its a traaaappp.

i dont even think robert smith is as big a degenerate as most musicians, well, assuming from the fact that he’s been married to the same woman for like 40 years.

never saw the cure live and they are one of the few on muh live concert bucket list. note to self, if i have feelings for a woman, do NOT take that woman to the cure concert, because i wont be able to remember that as a good memory when she dumps me and breaks my heart hahaha. go with a male friend or alone.

yeah hard to go wrong with the cure. it is smooth and chill, and beautiful, and melodic, romantic, catchy, and also sad and emo, and spine chilling, and this album is probably their best moment. the Lush Beauty of “pictures of you” to the super catchy hard rocking of “fascination street” and of course their biggest hit “lovesong” which is a great song. i mean its impossible not to like and RESPECT this album. for any fan of music. if you dislike this album YOUR JUST STUPID.

yeah i guess if youre a total hipster you could say its too mainstream and overplayed. its def mainstream but is it REALLY overplayed? are these REALLY boring songs? these are timeless, classic songs that are played a lot for a REASON.

it IS a little LONG though at 63 minutes, where 40 minutes is the ideal album length.

working class men on Worksites listen to MUSIC all day as they do their hard work. i think this is very significant and worth some thought. if you are listening to music, it is harder to PANIC and be ANXIOUS and NERVOUS, and ALSO it means you are CONSTANTLY TALKING and thinking on your feet to come up with Bullshit Explanations for both your supervisors and your customers. that is EXHAUSTING. its like CAMPAIGNING for president and you have to talk and bullshit all day. i could NEVER do that, i dont know where trump gets his ENERGY, but its safe to say he’s always been that way, and some people just ARE.

heheh i forgot about the 311 cover of lovesong. that is tbh pretty darn good fam hahahaha. pretty secsy for blowing out your bitches asshole hahahahaha. because they LIKE being treated like Jooish Pornographic Filth. Absolutely Disgusting. BELIEVE ME, I would rather treat them as Fragile Flowers, because I HATE Jooish Pornographic Filth. Hate that Disgusting SHit that has RUINED Women And Men. words cannot describe the HATE. i dont hate nonwhites, i might not even hate joos, but by god i HATE the disgusting filth that joos have created! I hate the evil they have done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

funny that the cure has an album called “pornography.” as an old man, this to me is AWESOME because that is an INCREDIBLY dark, despairing, nihilistic album, and I think this terrible feel perfectly captures the actual real essence of pornography. it is not secsy or hot and all. it is empty and despairing and nihilistic and soulless and horrible. i’m not sure if thats what robert (first name basis hahahaha) was getting at, but i like to think he was hahahahaha.

and yeah “pictures of you” is a CLASSIC FOR A REASON!!!!! and perfectly captures Lost Love and Heartbreak and Regret and embodies what i have felt for the past 14 months hahahahahahaha. thankfully i can enjoy the song on its own merits as a way to express a personal emotion that was unshared with her, hahahaha. meaning, im glad i never cuddled or buttfooked her while listening to THE CURE or this album, because then it would actually REMIND me of her, rather than help me Get Over Muh Emotions ABOUT her. in other words, the cure is MY thing and not HER thing, definitely not OUR thing. well she probably likes a few cure songs but we never shared any cure moments, thank god.

NEVER share things with women hahahahaha cuz then you cant enjoy your favorite music and movies when they break your heart and leave you. THEY WILL RUIN YOUR FAVORITE THINGS FOR YOU. i mean thank god i can still listen to neil young, but it took a while! TOO LONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yeah i mean you get over it, but it sucked that i couldnt even listen to one of muh favorite music guys for months!!!!!!!!!!!!

want to get out of house before noon today (oh god that sounds so lazy and negrish!!!!!!) and do some errands

also prep for autist aba job interview tommorow

AND apply for 3 jobs because i think about 3 decent jobs are gonna “expire” by tommorow

AND get good powerwalk

AND get 14 pushups

AND eat less than 1200 calories because i went like EIGHT HUNDRED OVER yesterday, oy vey.

uhhhh 14 pushups is a good baby step, but all together that is a lot of baby steps hahahaha.

ok went to store

ok called the interview place and stalked the woman who will be interviewing me, she was supposed to email me 2 days ago but it never went thru because she typed my hard to spell email wrong.

i called her and aksed for her hard to spell email and successfully sent a message to her hahahaha. thankfully she does not have a masters degree and seems like a nice person from the stalking i did.

ok got the shit printed out, hehhehe if you have to print out 10 pages of shit for every interview, thats 250 pages hahahaha. i have already bought 2 black ink cartridges and am burning thru the 3rd one pretty quickly. so stupid.

not going to get a ton of sleep tonight, might blank out and do a gary johnson aleppo moment tomorrow. that really looks bad. well if he can get to be governor, i can get a 12 dollar an hour autism technician job.

uhhhh applied to 2 jobs today but not 3. prepared my info sheet for tomorrow.

this org clearly has a problem with people not sticking around. prob because they quickly find better paying jobs. and they cant afford to pay them more because they are a nonprofit org. so they are angry about people getting valuable autism training and then leaving before 10 months. but i……

i dunno i just hate being in a job and saying OH GOD HOW AM I GONNA DO THIS I DONT KNOW WHAT IM DOING I CANT HANDLE THIS JOB OH GOD WHAT DO I DO OH GOD THIS IS RIDICULOUS WHY DID THEY GIVE ME THIS JOB OH YEAH BECAUSE THEY CANT FIND PEOPLE WHO WILL PUT UP WITH THIS SHIT FOR MORE THAN A FEW DAYS WITHOUT QUITTING!!!! WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO HERE WHAT SHOULD I SAY TO THESE PEOPLE TELL ME WHAT TO DO PLEEEEASE TELL ME WHAT TO SAY TO THEM I DONT KNOW WHAT IM DOOOOOOOOOOOING HOW CAN YOU PUT ME OUT HERE IN FRONT OF THESE PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i also worry that the “workplace safety” job will do regular drug tests because you drive a company van. oh god i cant drive a large van!!!!!!! what if the van breaks down!!!!!!

i think this autism job would be more fun and i would enjoy it more and also be able to SURVIVE and WITHSTAND it better, because it is part time and because it is sort of in muh wheelhouse. well i am more conflicting about wanting the autism job vs the safety job, however in the autism vs the bank job, i def want the bank job!!!!!

hehehehe this is assuming i get offers from both jobs in these situations. VERY big assumptions!!!!!

does that mean i had a good feeling abotu the saftey job? kind of!

and i have kinda a good feeling about getting the autism job.

REALLY? I have been REJECTED for ELEVEN dollar an hour part time jobs recently, what reason do i have to be optimistic about a TWELVE DAH PT job? hahahahaha. well because my degree actually relates to this job, sort of, where it doesnt relate to “office administrative assistant” job. which is stupid. i mean the better degree for that would be business. even if i have 30 credits of business classes. doesnt matter i guess hahaha.

shit they might reject me because ive never worked with CHILDREN before. let alone autist children haha.

i wish you could negotiate training wages. meaning i would gladly accept minimum wage for the first month or however long it took for me to be rejected from the other 2 jobs i am in contention for. so if i got one of those jobs, the autism place wouldnt lose too much money training me. cuz its a decent org and i might want to reapply with them in a few years. for one of their FT jobs that dont exist, yeah sure hahahaha.

oct 7 firday

752 AM

up real early today, like a real working man, currently dressed up and ready to go to interview, did not prep so well. as predicted, did not sleep well. well i was up thinking until like 130 am. thankfully i did fall asleep and I was in the middle of an interesting dream that i was scheduled to be part of the death panel on the next daily shoah with k1ke enoch and “sven” and i was like iii dunno guys, what the hell am I gonna be able to add to this, im gonna sound like an idiot, but im honored you asked me, i really like TRS hahahahaha. this is probably muh first TRS related DREAM hahahahaha. much better than having dreams about you know WHO hahaha.

ok. like i say, its a tough call between autism job vs safety job. for a normie, no its not, the safety job BTFOs the autism because it pays more, more hours, FT, established company, health care, bennies etc.

12 pm

welp did the interview, sent thank you note, recorded it as 95 minutes. spent an hour in there, but onyl about 30 minutes talking to them, and like 20 minutes filling out a damn application by hand which was basically a copy of all the shit i already gave them. i will never understand these stupid hiring policies. filling out shit by hand. unbelievable. told them about muh desire for FT. they were very understanding. talked to a Masters Level Psychologist who is about 7 years younger than me, oy vey hahahahaha.

there might be young 3 year old children biting and smacking and pooping their pants and i have to put diapers on them. i think i would rather do this than answer phone calls hahahahaha.

i dont fookin know man i just want a job where i can get help if i need it and i am not constantly needing it and not constantly fighting and struggling to survive every day. good god. the type of exhausting, nervous struggle where you feel like you need to chug Whiskey straight from the bottle at the end of every day.

hehehe normal life is at least 2 to 3 times HARDER for me than for normies. not that normies have it easy! but the basics of Holding Down a Job and Banging A Bitch, those are at LEAST 3 times harder for me. lots of fear and failure hehehehe. lots of time wasted. lots of not getting anywhere.

on the degen show “better things” which im not sure why i am watching, well because i want to see a degen single mother raising degen girls, its really all about degen women, and is kinda like “GIRLS” in that regard. no husbands or fathers, mothers a whore, her oldest daughter is 16 and beautiful and is becoming a whore, the middle daughter is an autistic ocd 13 year old lesbian, so i guess all that is enough to sell me.

recent episode focused on the 16 year old daughter worried about her future, going to college and all that, what am i gonna do with my life, her high school guidance counselor says no ivy league for you, you shoulda started prepping for that a few years ago, might not have the grades for a good state shool, have you thought about community college?

now the red pill is that community college is awesome but it DOES have a reputation as for underachieving losers, so when you’re in high school, you shudder at the thought. then when 10 years later youre still a huge loser, you think, welp, i have been humbled, time to go to CC now that real University did not work out.

anyway the girl is very anxious and despairing and I totally related and found this storyline very compelling. i guess she smokes MJ and does not get 4.0 grades. dont know if she is a huge horrible slut. PROBABLY, knowing this degen show.

because they show the girl sitting with her degen mom and the degen moms friends all sitting around drinking and talking about ABORTIONS, like how many abotions you got, tell the story of that abortion, and i was like, they are trying WAY too hard to make this show edgy, and what EXACTLY are they trying to say? they were clearly trying to be provocative by having such a “FRANK” discussion of abortions while CHILDREN were amongst them, as if to say, this is NORMAL, this is not a big deal, we all have abortions, and you’ll get abortions too, its just a fact of life, rite of passage for a woman, dont be ashamed of this, its good to be pro choice, and if you get knocked up when you are having fun with Secsy Boys, you can and should totes get an abortion too.

so i felt sympathy for this poor girl just about to become a Woman, and that she was so FOOKED because her mother is such a damn baby murdering degenerate. so the beautiful 16 year old gurl is gonna become a slut REAL soon if she isnt already, prob lose V to badboi, then quickly start riding C carousel, throwing a bunch of betabois away, probably start cheating, not take secs seriously, not take human life seriously, the way she THROWS LIVES AWAY, develop 10000 C stare, never be able to have a serious rel with a man, just like her crazy whore mother who cant love a man either.  but is this “beautifully flawed” woman trying to raise 3 young daughters as a Single Working Mom who is very open about Secs and Abortions and Being Tuff and You Do You Grrrrrl.

and its NORMAL to be a slut and cheat and break hearts and throw people away and get abortions, sex is FUN FIRST and if you get preggers, no big deal, get an abortion, WEVE ALL DONE IT. and sometimes you just wanna get fooked, and if the guy is a sensitive virgin type an gets feelings, AW, TOO BAD SO SAD, its ok to Dump and Ghost him because you just wanted to Get Off.

and we are beautiful in our flaws and we are gonna be as flawed as possible.

and i like the show for confronting Real Shit, but i hate it for taking the wrong opinion on this shit. while at the same time having some good and sympathetic characters. i mean i dont even really hate the mom. but i should.

to make her daughter feel better, the mother took her to the store and made her dress in a Ladies Business Suit, and said there you are, you look just like those successful peopel who have their shit together, youre no different than them. it was actually sort of touching even though she should not be so worried about career and shit. she should have a good father who helps her find a good husband.

i mean the show could have pushed more Red Pills about You Dont Have To Go To College. Go To Trade School or Community College or Military.

so they talk to a bank teller and mom says do you have any college, teller says no just a GED and i started this job at age 22 and im 25 now.

this could have opened a real good conversation but they just left it there.

so do you portray the bank teller as a failure because they didnt go to college? no not at all, which i liked.

i would have liked more if they had a 30 year old with a masters degree living with his family because he is still trying to pay back 200k in student loans hahahaha and he’s done, he’s finished, given up on life, i’ll never get anyway, i wish i could have a family but i’ll never afford it, and i havent dated a woman in over 5 years hahahahaha. that would have been some great black pill shit.

basically, college educated 30 year olds who cant afford to move out hahahaha because they are only making 12 dollars an hour and are 80k in debt for useless college hahahaha.

tfw when you see a picture of FENRIZ when he was very young, like 20 or 21 or so, and realize he sort of reminds you of THAT WOMAN.

I was completely in luv and wanted to marry and have babies and spend muh life with and was devastated heartbroken for 15 months over a woman who looks like FENRIZ.

fenriz is currently 44 years old as is nocturno culto. culto has 2 children a son and a daughter. i do not think fenriz has any children. not sure how old cultos children are. i hope he is a good father to them.

but yeah there are like 2 pictures of 20 year old fenriz where he kinda looks like That Woman. so weird. i told you she was kidna weird looking hahahahaha. but like fenriz, she had nice long dark hair.

so darkthrone was offered 200k USD to play a festival for one show and they REFUSED. hell yes that shows some serious “INTEGRITY” but at the same time i have to think, you’d have to be stupid to turn that down!

Should a man with CHILDREN turn down 200k for 1 day of work just because of his artistic integrity?

basically I give them a PASS, and I think its kinda STUPID for a man with a FAMILY to turn that money down. even if you dont have a family, you still need money. maybe fenriz has bastard children he needs to pay child support. (speculation). maybe fenriz wants to take care of his aging parents. TAKE THE FOOKIN MONEY GUIZE.

heh. most people just like the music and dont really care about the people behind it.

I dont really care for the music and i am MORE interested in the PEOPLE behind it hahahaha.

i mean the story of these guys lives is WAY more interesting than listening to “plaguewielder” or “the cult is alive” hehehehehehehehe.

i say this because i am sort of excited about darkthrone again due to their brand new album which I am going to listen to today on powerwalk hehehe.

did 3.2 mile, 1 hour powerwalk, my normal walking pace is 3.2 mph and i am happy with that.

listened to new darkthrone album. it has great sound/production and is perfect length and it is not all ridiculous, but uhhh i was hoping it would be a little…..better hehehehe. i mean its no panzerfaust. i mean you can tell they are both enjoying themselves, theyre not just going through the motions, so i think a large part of the prob is me simply not being able to appreciate “new” music.

its hard to get the interest of women when you MAKE LESS THAN THEM. of course im talking about money. basically the only people that I make MORE than are total white trash and negroes hahahahaha. at least when i was making 30k, i was then good enough to pull white trash waitresses and such hahahahaha. and that was the best money i ever made in my life! when i was making like 12k a year, i was staying sane but what the HELL can you do on 12k a year? cant live, cant have a family, cant do anything. cant have a serious rel with a woman. i guess you could bang sluts because you sure arent gonna KEEP any women making only 12k!

wow she dumped him SUPER BAD, super insult to injury there. why do people do this? why do you HAVE to add insult to injury? i mean if i were this guy i would be devastated, my confidence would be CRUSHED for at least 15 months hahahahaha. this type of thing will DESTROY a guys confidence for a LONG time.

also when someone throws you away, people advise you, they dont know what they had, in 2 months they will miss you and be begging for you back. dont take them back. be better than that. they took you for granted the first time. dont give them that second chance.

and that def never happened here. she left me and NEVER looked back. feels bad man! that might even be worse. i wuld def forgive and take her back once. and if she pulled the same shit twice (like they often do) then i would kick her ass out (probably not hahahahaha). but she didnt even come back.

but i am doing my interviews so thats as good as i can ask. i have done about 36 hours of interviews roughly. i guess it would make sense to do 40 hours of interviews. maybe what the lord is teaching me is how to get good at interviews. thats the lesson for this 15 months of pain. how to do interviews. sheeeeeeeeeeeeit.

but if i dont have an interview for a week, then i feel like i lose all those gains. and i need to have at least 2 or 3 interviews a week to get better. kinda like lifting hehehehe.

heh 330 pm and could totes take a nap. cuz i got up at 615am and did not fall asleep till 1 am.

 

super lengthy autistic post but an in depth picture of someone who actually DOES go to a shrink, and both people are willing to go to shrink, and it doesnt really improve things hehehehe. she still blames him.

but yeah he does seem too damn autistic and that is probably a problem.

also yeah she probably IS “depressed” but she should get that diagnosed well before 28. I sure did! because i was trying to improve myself so i could live a normal life with a job and a GF one day.

and good on this guy for improving himself from a fat virgin to an in shape, masters degree, successful, hardworking, guy with a GF. but he is still anal and autistic in a way that will hurt the rel, just as she hurts the rel with her “depression” and lack of interest and effort.

this album is regarded as DT coming back from a perhaps 3-album slump from 1996 to 2003 hahaha. fenriz said he was very derpressed and i guess was feeling better by the time of this album. and he was thankful to culto for essentially keeping the band alive during that time.

anyway i remember i actually bought the “plaguewielder” cd (used) back when cds were still a thing. i was like uhhhh this is not the greatest. and that was pretty much the end of darkthrone for me hahahaha and i never gave “hate them” a chance. i did give “sardonic wrath” a try and actually kinda liked that one. that came out following hate them.

anyway just trying to say i prefer this kind of vocal from culto. the hateful trve black metal vocal rather than the more i guess celtic frost vocal he’s doing now. which is not bad mind you, but the older vocal is better.

i mean there is no competition hehehe. however “boring” darkthrone may be, culto gives a Master Class in how to do good vocals.

62.9% labor force participation rate? that cant be good, unless labor force counts super old and super young people….which it probably shouldnt! and honestly i dont think it does. labor force is work age people. like 18 to 65 or whatever.

oh you know what i am not even gonna shit on plaguewielder anymore. it has shitty artwork but it sounds pretty similar to hate them with the riffage and sick vocals. also culto thanks tom waits on his short list of inspirations and shoutouts. in 2001 before i even knew who tom waits was unfortuantely. did not discover waits until 2003 or 4 at the latest.

also there are “blast beats” on these albums where i haven’t heard them on the newer albums. come on. you gotta have that.

trump scandal of him using “vulgar language about women.”

I DONT WANT A PRESIDENT WHO DOESNT USE VULGAR LANGUAGE TO TALK ABOUT WOMEN!!!!

crude comments in 2005 interview about tits and pussy and whatever. who cares.

well, i kinda care if he is cheating on his wife, but not sure if he was married to her by then.

cuz its not cool to cheat on your wife but he has dealt with his fair share of gold diggers so.

i mean this is fooking stupid and i hope it doesnt COST HIM the election just because WOMEN will be so butthurt. and women shouldnt even be able to vote hehehehehe. but people have short memories too.

even the circle wagons album does not sound BAD. it is quite rocking as a matter of fact.

lesson: even the “worst” darkthrone albums are pretty good.

i would have preffered that he make super racist comments about mudslims or blacks or especially joos. that would be SWEET. BUT, that definitely would have killed his chances 100%, and that would NOT be good.

i like that he didnt apologize THAT much. hes not begging for forgiveness, and kinda saying this is not a big deal. cuz its really not. but i really dont know how real women will take it. i know that msnbc is up in arms hahahaha.

why not criticize the hollywood host billy bush for being an enthusiastic participant in the conversation.

QUOTE

It’s foolish to take the Blackpill with regards to women. It makes you settle for low quality sluts and degenerates. Do you want them to be the mother of your children?

I was in a bad place in 2011. I was dating a used-up slut whom I had nothing in common with. I was struggling to finish school and leave the comfy world of NEETdom. I had gotten into reading ‘The Red Pill’ and that middle eastern rapist Roosh, and my opinion of women was extremely low. Thus, my expectations from women were low.

This girl was a degenerate waste. She was pretty enough, but was a complete slob, and nearing the end of her 20s. I knew she had dated around, but the extent of the rot was what really got to me. The day I left her was when I attended a ‘party’ with some of her friends, only to discover she had f00cked literally 8 of the men at the party. Her total number was somewhere around 35ish men. One of which included a ni99er. Disgusting. I drove off, deleted her from Facebook and Skype, and washed my hands of her.

I was lucky to get out of that mess with no STIs. I pulled myself out of this depression and blackpill by lifting and travelling, and completely tossed out the ReturnOfKangz/rOOSH shit. Some of the techniques are useful, and yes, 90% of women are somewhere on the whore spectrum, but 10% of girls is still a HUGE amount of people.

On one of my trips, after a year of lifting and healthy eating, I met a complete QT3.14, 10/10. She was introverted, shy, but extremely moral. She was 6 years younger than me, intelligent, had a similar genetic background, and was a fucking virgin.

Married her 2 years into the relationship and it has only gotten better.

Lift, have confidence in your self, resist the blackpill, and you will find extremely high quality women waiting for you to wife them. Let the f4ggot numales clean up the algae of used up whores. WILL TO POWER BRAH

END

i am risking getting banned for posting private forum material here, but uhhhh i wont say what forum i got it from, nor who said it, but i am trying to share an awesome WHITE PILL here: a neetish man was dating a dirty slut, then he turned his life around and married a nice virgin waifu. GOOD FOR HIM. this is EXACTLY the stuff I need to read a LOT more of…..but i’m not finding a lot of it. not enough.

nyquil and coffee combination hehehe. again went way over calorie limit. soooooo easy to eat over 1200 cals.

yeah why shouldnt i link this already.

this and TH are muh fav DT albums. and this one is more “fun.” not sure why the vocals are considered controversial. i think they are great although perhaps mixed a little loudly. the riffs, songwriting, and production are all top of the line, and there is a ton of nostalgia with this album, as it was a big part of muh adolescence at age 18 or so. this is a pretty kewl album to have as your theme music at age 18 hahahahahahahaha.

“quintessence”, come on. probably the darkthrone stairway to heaven right there.

but yeah. a lot of people are interested in things they dont really participate in. politics, professional sports, tv shows, religion. but no one is interested in “relationships” as like a main interest they way I am, apart from WOMEN who are always GOSSIPING. I truly do like to gossip, but I like even more to study and understand the relationships.

its like watching from the sidelines and commenting but never participating. but thats the thing: is that normies DO participate, quite regularly, and dont really comment on it at the same level as I do, just gossip, say whos fooking who, whos dumping who.

and even people who are obsessed with sportsball and watch pro sportsball but are too fat and soft to actually play pro sportsball still often play amateur sportsball or fantasy sportsball.

i dont play Fantasy Relships, although maybe in a way I do: by having these one sided things where I have the relship all in my mind and it does not reflect reality at all.

nyquil makes me unable to think clearly and articulate and be persuasive. still i wish i just had some MJ, i would LUV to smoke a bunch of MJ on a friday night like this and listen to DARKTHRONE.

“the hordes of nebulah”. i used to think this song wasnt as good as the 2 before it, now i see i was wrong hahahahaha. truly a MAGIC album and i wouldnt EXPECT darkthrone to ever capture this kind of lightning in a bottle quite the same way ever again. you cant. again a large part of this was my own age at the time. but this is gonna be one of those albums that i enjoy thru my entire life hahaha. share with muh waifu and children and they will say damn what a badass!

anyway it is just “funny” and mostly sad that i spend all this time and energy and interest thinking about and analyzing Relationships, general and particular, myself and my fantasy rels, others and my perceptions of their real rels, and i think i have the tools and skills and knowledge to be real mature and good in a rel…..but my weakness is the BEGINNING. I cant get it STARTED for various reasons. cant spark the kindling and get the fire going ever.

large part of that is because i am scared to “apply”. at least with jobs i am putting out 450 applications, doing 23 interviews. if i were doing that with WOMEN, i WOULD have been in a real rel by now, or at least had a near normie level of secsual satisfaction. or, hopefully, i would say THIS IS DEGENERATE, I’m not gonna do this unless its in a real rel with a decent woman, fook this banging sluts shit, leave it to the degenerate hedonist nihilist abortionists.

fenriz did recycle the classic “quintessence” riff on his storm “nordavind” album which was recorded in late 1994 while panzerfaust was recorded in early 1994 hehehe.

they got the qt gurl kari rueslatten to sing on the album (from 3rd and the mortal, really need to dig into them more) and supposedly she was very upset and felt betrayed by fenriz because he changed a lyric at the last minute to say something like “death to every man who does not hail the fatherland!” which she felt was ebil racist. and i bet fenriz is not a racist. shit i wish he WAS. he SHOULD be. and poor kari felt horrible guilt after that and betrayed by ebil fenriz. hahahahaha i wonder if he fooked her. the dirty slut hahaha. see this ALL comes from the root cause of my degen pornographic view of women as sluts to be fooked. this is from watching way too much pron, so shame on me. but also shame on women for willingly BEING like that. they dont have to BE sluts, even if the girls in porno are.

and because kari was a beautiful young norwegian gurl with beautiful long hair, i dont WANT her to be a slut.

i want to read more stories of women who are DIVORCING or DUMPING their men because oh god hes a TRUMP SUPPORTER. but r/relships does not allow overtly political topics.

i would think being married and especially with children makes women less leftist catladylike. so they will say oh yeah trump is crude but oh well hes still better than hillary so im still voting for him.

whereas its the C carousel sluts and catladies who will be most offended, and they werent voting for trump ANYWAY.

in other words, its not gonna lose him any votes. its not gonna make anyone who has already chosen trump, say, oh NOW he’s gone too far, and i am changing my vote to HILLARY? i cant imagine him honestly doing any of that. even if he said GTKRWN 1488, which i would luv, people would still say, yeah im still not voting for hillary.

however it will make the hillary people all the more SHRILL and ANNOYING and that might push undecideds towards trump.

undecideds tho? and couldnt this push undecideds to hillary? sure.

BUT HOW MANY UNDECIDEDS ARE THERE REALLY?????

not very many imho. i play it down because i hang out with people who would be MORTIFIED that they have even ONE trump supporter in their friend circle. so i say stuff, ah well, its a classic lesser of two evils thing, i dont really like either of them, but im really dont like hillary, yes i agree with you trump is not super presidential but im a moderate centrist and hillary is just too left for me, so, i have to vote for trump. that kind of waffling shit. actually i wouldnt even confirm i was voting for trump unless i was with some trump voters. thankfully i know a few.

7000 words? damn.

but yeah its funny. i analyze and think about rels like An Interest Or Hobby but never actually participate, when most NORMIES DO participate and dont analyze them to the same level, its just a normal part of normal life, dont overthink it, its not something interesting like football or tv hahahaha.

well to me it is!!!!!!!!

and women arent much better than men. they gossip a lot more about rels but are even WORSE at analysing, understanding, and workign with them. men could at least have a good chance at reasoning their way through them if they tried.

but you cant REASON with women. its like REASONING with a drunk 50 foot baby with a flamethrower. REASONING with a damn tasmanian devil. you cant reason somebody out of something that they didnt reason themselves into, hahahahaha.

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MEN ARE MORE EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT THAN WOMEN

1014

had stupid dream with The Woman but it wasnt as horrible as it could have been. the main thing i remember is my leg touching her leg because i was trying to indicate interest but she was not interested. the other main thing was that she was being actively bitchy to me. not just cold and distant, but she appeared to sadistically enjoy busting my balls. like yeah im gonna enjoy being mean to this loser. i also kept chasing after her trying to have a conversation that lasted more than 30 seconds, becuase “WE NEED TO TALK.” but she kept leaving after 30 seconds of small talk, usually busting my balls. eventually i caught up to her and frantically said we need to talk, i have something i want to talk to you about.

that was about it. in real life she was cold and distant but not actively mean, if that makes any sense. she would still do small talk with me, but she was at least pretending to be nice when she did it, i could see hints of the Good Old version of her, which of course gave me false hope.

my new theory on “how could she do this” in addition to “easy way out”, is that she HAD to make me The Bad Guy in order to justify doing this. gonna treat him like a piece of shit because he IS a piece of shit. so in other words i could never convince her otherwise. her mind is made up. now why exactly im a piece of shit ill never know, but probably it has to do with her feeling Betrayed and or Horrified. she feels Betrayed that her friend could be harboring these “secret feelings” all the while. it wasnt all the while, i was very clear to mention, but she prob didnt read that. she was building up her own fantasy where i was the total bad guy who was sleazily scheming to get close to her and eventually get with her.  so she was totally deluded; i wasnt betraying her or stabbing her in the back. i wasnt scheming to do anything but damn talk to her as soon as possible!

it DOESNT HAVE To make sense. she is a woman hahahaha. not particularly Emotionally Intelligent. not particularly Empathic. she never said well maybe he just likes me, and when men and women are friends for a while, its not uncommon for one person to get feelings, its nobodys FAULT.  no, its i was the bad piece of shit betrayer who doesnt deserve to be let down easy. send him a message.

so yeah i dont like it! cuz im not the bad guy! and i dont like being thought of as a Bad Guy by someone i loved!

so that means shes gonna tell her friends and family what a horrible piece of shit i am. that i….betrayed her by secretly wanting her.

i mean if she THOUGHT ABOUT IT FOR 2 SECONDS, she could see how ridiculous this is. i didnt start acting weird until october or so. and she didnt start denying me Hangouts before then. before then everything was all good. and then i started acting weird and wanting to hang out. GEE I WONDER WHY. also if she could put herself in my position and say when have i ever had one sided feelings for someone? oh very recently thats right. and what did it feel like? oh it was painful and heartbreaking. what did i do? oh i tried to hang out with them and talk to them about it. more likely i succeeded in hanging out with them and showing this physically thru Fooking and Sucking, didnt need to have a talk about it, because talking just messes everything up, fooking and sucking says all that needs to be said hahahahahaha.

but yeah she needs to view me as the bad guy in order to treat me like the bad guy. no wonder then, that for a long time i FEEL like a bad guy! and constantly blame myself for being the bad guy! because thats how shes treating me!!!!

heh. she is the one who has been in a long term rel for 5 years yet she cant even take 10 seconds to do an EMpathy Exercise, or think Second LEvel THinking about this. that i might not be the bad guy, that i just eventually got feelings and wanted to talk about them, and the more we didnt talk, the weirder and more anxious i got.

she thought i was the bad guy betrayer and she was totally mistaken.

i was simply in luv with her, and i was not mistaken at all. that was totally honest.

getting feelings for someone isnt BETRAYING them! but i cant convince her of that. of COURSE i wrote a few good paragraphs about this to her. but of course shes not gonna believe The Bad Guy!

but i think if she tells the story honestly to others, they would say, well he wasnt trying to betray you, he obviously got feelings for you and wanted to talk to you about it, but you wouldnt really let him, you stopped hanging out. i mean he CHANGED didnt he? if he hadnt changed in his outward behavior, that would be more of a betrayal, cuz he would be pretending something other than the truth. he was obviously worried an anxious about this. he wasnt pretending to be your friend and secretly having feelings.

but women can use the Hamster to convince themselves of ANYTHING, so she could well believe that i was a Weak Beta Orbiter that whole damn 2 years, lying to her. when i wasnt. but she might paint this picture to her friends and family. this is stupid and unfair and i kind of liked her family.

OR i could just be wrong and her primary emotion is not “ive been betrayed by this evil coward!” but “im confused and overwhelmed and i am gonna shut down because its the easy way out.”

so then at this time she may still be confused but not willing to sort the emotions out because its too much work, to apologize is too much work, still wants to take easy way out, pretend i never existed.  there is probably a complicated stew of emotions including betrayal, and confusion, and horrified, in the sense of o god please tell me he doesnt like me, it kinda seems like it now, o god that would be horrible. she might have been in denial about that, same was i was in denial about “oh yeah shell hang out and well talk eventually.”

also women move on from things a lot quicker. this could have to do with them having a biological clock, OR they are used to the process of Processing Men, OR they dont really DEAL with anything, they just avoid it and push it under the rug and try to forget about it. or a combination of all that.

anyway. i am entitled to MY feelings, and she is entitled to HER feelings. whatever they may be. i am entitled to feel devastated and heartbroken, she is entitled to feel Betrayed. even if that is RIDICULOUS. WAY more ridiculous than me being in luv with her!

betrayal is when…..shit who cares. theres arguments for and against why she could view what i did as a betrayal. i will never know what she actually thinks, and it doesnt really MATTER, other than me overanalysing it trying to figure out “how could she do this?” one day in the distant future i will hopefully just stop caring. but this is part of me processing it. i have to plow right through the middle of it all, suffer all the suffering.

so maybe she didnt think i was THE BAD GUY. maybe she did.

another thing that bothers me is ill never know if she Read Muh Emailz. they explained my side of the story pretty well and addressed all the shit i worry about here: the ideal of betrayal, when everything happened, a timeline, explanation of my motives, stupid apoligies, asking her “could there ever be a chance of you and me”, pointing out that i wasnt hiding shit from her, that i wanted to talk but tension built up the longer we didnt talk; how and when my feelings started; appealing to the Good Times and the close connection; me asking why are you so offended by this; opening the door to future contact, i will always be willing to talk, but also saying the ball is in your court; and begging please respond hahahaha. these 3-4 emails were an epic journey, quite a lot going on there. im sure made her overwhelmed all over again hahahaha and its EASIER just not to respond ever.

but yeah i just want to know she READ it rather than just blocked them or deleted them without reading. those emails were the only way i could communicate what i wanted to communicate, and i will never know if she even read them!!!!!

and i just have to live with that.

yeah feel the feelings. i am just very heartbroken that an Important Relationship Of My Life ended in such a stupid, hurtful, painful way.

so what hurts more? me with the pain of heartbreak, or her with the ridiculous invalid pain of “being betrayed?”

i am gonna go with the heartbreak hahahaha.

also maybe because she had been betrayed by a guy recently, she automatically saw anything weird that happened with a guy as a BETRAYAL. but dont get it twisted honey. i didnt cheat on you. you werent in love with me. i was in love with you and you treated me like i was a horrible person. come on. getting feelings isnt inherently horrible. it is almost inevitable when a man and a woman are friends for long enough.  sure its uncomfortable and awkward but its not HORRIBLE.

however this is a sophisticated nuance that requires great Emotional Intelligence to recognize. and like all intelligence, men have more emotional intelligence than women, even if women are more Emotional than men. they’re just not smart about it though! they miscommunicate and dont communicate and dont think about the emotions and what they mean, where they come from, what other emotions and thoughts might be under them, and also what emotions the other people are having. empathy.

nope. its just i have my simple story of what i think he was thinking, and thats it. no discussion, just straight dumping.

never read the emails where he actually explains what he is thinking and feeling, cuz they are too long and creepy, because he’s the bad guy here, im the good guy, and i dont have to learn a damn thing about Communication, Emotional Intelligence, or RElationships.  nope.

well i learned a decent amount even if she learned nothing.

well its not like she is BAD at relationships. she just needs to be invested in them and then she can make them last. but she was not invested with me!!! and i thought she would be. that she would be invested enough to not take the easy way out. guess i was wrong. hahahaha.

i just hate feeling like the bad guy. i never had so much self blame as i do now. with other Heartbreaks i was able to make THEM the bad guy and i was fine with that! (even though in the long run its no ones FAULT really, they just dont have the feelings, and its NICE of them to try to let you down easy, they dont HAVE To do that, as we have seen!.

but yeah when they TREAT you like a bad guy, you FEEL like a bad guy, and think wow damn i must have done something that was absolutely HORRIBLE! i am a horrible person and dont even know it! and all my life i have tried NOT to be a horrible person! yet i still end up being one!

anyway i still want her and her long legs and big thighs and pale white skin and big white ass and Nice Mouth and pretty hair and pretty face and nice skin and didnt dress like a 2 dollar whore with whoreclothes and clown make up wawawawawawawawawawaw. ok time for a 4.4 miler.

why she do this to me hahahahaha. wawawawawawaw.

every day i have to fight off urges to contact her. becuase i think she made the wrong decision. we are each entitled to our Emotions, but her emotion that i Betrayed her is Just Wrong. but i dont know for a fact that she feels that way, or just an undifferentiated emotion stew that she never bothered to analyze.

yeah i mean i was pushy annoying desperate and weird to her, at a hard time in her life. not my proudest moment.

but she would rather throw away 2 good years than have ONE HOUR of conversation? i will always be butthurt by that!

and yeah i still want her. i want to be with her. “only wanna be with u” by hootie and the blowfish hahahaha. that would be my theme song for her.

but what would i say that hasnt been said already? i said 90% of this in the 4 emails.

hahahaha maybe i should resend the emails plus a new email, from a brand new email address which she hasnt blocked.

and again, i dont know if she’s BLOCKED email, or just deletes it as soon as she sees it

well she has sent the clear message that she doesnt want to talk to me. period. sooooooo sending her shit saying please respond is just useless.

and you can’t MAKE somebody do something. cant MAKE them love you, cant MAKE them respond to you, cant MAKE them hang out with you, cant MAKE them communicate with you.

well sure you can! you can say “please just do me a favor here. for the sake of our friendship just bite the bullet and do this one thing for me.” and then they can still refuse because they blocked that email hahahaha.

or my drinking friend, i can say “just DO ME A FAVOR, dont drink in front of me”, and then he will respect my wishes, and then say WELP i gotta go put some clothes in the dryer, be back in 2 minutes, chugalug chugalug, hahahahaha. but as long as hes not doing it in front of me thats better.

so she didnt want to do me that favor. because she blocked my email. well i dont know that though. the only thing i know she blocked was facebook.

note: never once did i stalk her or bombard her with messages or do anything commonly associated with blocking.

and usually its the dumped that blocks the dumper. and she was def the dumper and i was the dumped.

ummmmm

so if i send her an email from a new email then i can be sure she wont block it. i cant be sure she’ll READ it, in fact, she probably wont. she’ll see long emails from someone who’s clearly me and then delete them and block THAT email. and if she thinks im the bad guy, that wont change that at all.

and if she doesnt think im the bad guy? she might start to think im the bad guy. i mean creating a new email to send her an email she doesnt have immediately blocked is pretty DESPERATE.

but i Own My Desperation hahahaha. i was desperate because somebody i luved was separating from me and eventually abandoned me, and i didnt want them to. who among you has never been desperate when you were losing the one you loved hahahaha.

its sad and STUPID. i cant tell her how stupid shes being hahahaha. well she is entitled to her STUPID emotions that are a WRONG assessment of me.

so now im abusive because im caller her stupid. because i dont RESPECT her decision to throw me away like trash for something i didnt actually do, and she wont give me a chance to defend myself.

but remember i cant PROVE that she feels betrayed. i can just infer or deduce.

so i should take the easy way out myself and just pick the one thats easier for me to live with? or the one that by occams razor seems the most reasonable explanation? dont complicate or overthink it hahahaha.

also say she feels betrayed and sees me as a monster. i can still see that she is an ok person who just did a shitty think. i have a more nuanced and balanced fair and balanced view of her hahahaha whereas she wrongly sees me as a total monster.

but we dont know she thinks of me like that.

why do i care.

becuase you CARE what people you LOVE think of you!!!!!!

was it unreasonable of me to LOVE her? well KIND OF but also not really! it would be unreasonable of me to fall in luv with her after just a few weeks or month. but to Eventually Get Feelings after a Period of Friendhsip, no i dont think thats unreasonable. it doesnt make you a monster. but she thought i had the feelings all along. well i dont KNOW what she thought!!!!!!

but yeah 3 months later and i still wish i could convince her to Love me and change her mind.

well she didnt say yes, she didnt say MAYBE, she said NO.

well she didnt say ANYTHING! but if she meant MAYBE, she probably would have SAID “MAYBE.”

yeah this obvious message is a door slammed in your face, that means NO, it doesnt mean MAYBE.

but yeah i dont understand why she did it so damn hatefully. i didnt deserve to be treated like that. just tell me no, that a lot better. its amazing what a big difference the communication makes.

ok did a nice 4.5 miler.

shit. you gotta have a MASTERS DEGREE just to be a damn SECRETARY and make 15 DAH. 30 grand a year.

or you can work tech support call center hahahahahahhahahaha. fook id almost rather get a damn useless masters degree.

shit. so. i remember the good times and use them to ignore the bad times. she remembers only the bad times and uses them to forget the good times.

if she could remember the good times maybe she would want to be with me wawawawaw.

so thats why i wish i could contact her, to remind her of the good times. BUT she obviously doesnt want to talk to me or hear from me. i cant change her mind.  she used to be very sensible for a woman, i didnt expect her to be THIS emtionally retarded.

i mean yeah i guess ill get over this eventually but its gonna take SUCH A LONG TIME.

it TAKES such a long time because she was a very important person in my life and i had Very Deep Feelings for her.

so i was wrong for GETTING such deep feelings for her.

yeah a LITTLE bit.  i dont think it was wrong to get SOME feelings for somebody after you really got to know and trust them.

but to go for months and months continuing to fall deeper and deeper in luv, that was my mistake. make an effort not to luv them more than they luv you. i should have said at the BEGINNING of it all,

IM STARTING TO GET FEELINGS FOR YOU.

Uh Oh. i think im starting to get feelings for you. we need to discuss this NOW, because if we dont, its just gonna get worse and worse and destroy my life. so what do you think. could you ever like me too.

well for woman2012 i got feelings for her (a little too quickly) and the feelings continued for 3 fookng YEARS before she caught on and i told her.  and i did not go crazy and have a meltdown after 10 months hahahaha.

well that was partially because the stress level in my life was much much much much lower. my job was much less stressful. i was not so anxious, moreso just lazy and despairing.

so yeah i guess it CAN go on forever if you dont have a lot of stress in your life. but really i was not happy about wasting those 3 years. i would MUCH rather “waste” ten months than 3 years.

also i was much closer and friendlier with w15 than w12. so i probably had deeper feels/luv for w15 than w12. and i had pretty legit feels for w12!!!!

so uhhhhh lesson learned, if you have a LOT of stress in you life because of your stupid job, and now you are starting to stress out about your female friend who works at that job too……you will have a damn nervous breakdown after 10 months hahahahahahaha so blurt it out in the first 3 months.

it was two very stresful situations colliding!!! worlds collide! worlds of horrible anxious stress!

so yeah i was stupid for falling too deep in luv too fast. a SMALL CRUSH would have been acceptable. but to fall HARD in LUV was TOO MUCH.

and i was stupid for not telling her earlier.

but no i just bottled it up and got desperate. and i let myself continue to be anxious and desperate when i could have just blurted the shit out right then and there. becuase i was that much of a coward.

and she was a coward too. and yes she did overreact considering my “Crime.” GOD help me if i ever think she didnt overreact. i fight that feel every day. oh god it was all my fault, she didnt overreact, she treated me like i deserved for being a damn horrible coward and weirdo and horrible weak loser.

 

YOU SEEM TO HAVE ME CONFUSED WITH A BALLLESS BETA B1TCHBOI

105

it has been 83 days since i was horribly dumped and i guess i feel better than i did at the beginning, i mean dat feel when you wake up and it takes a few moments to realize your life is ruined is horrifying! now you know it right away and it isnt nearly as scary.

a SHIT TEST? is that all this was was a goddam crummy lousy bullshit shit test?  because women can give shit tests without knowing it?

going back to that ridic stefan vidya on polyamory, promiscuity, he basically seems to be optimistic that the couple can figure this out with some serious you guessed it communication.

i mean i would guess she dumps him very soon. be nice to see a Follow Up in 6 months.

anyway he said, well if she values EMPATHY and COMPASSION, the fact that he is unhappy and miserable about her fooking other guys, should make her say, hey the guy i luv is very unhappy about this, i dont like making him unhappy, im gonna take his feelings into consideration, and not do this, because his feelings are important to me. its more important that he’s happy than i leave the door open for random dick.

well it was apparently not important to The Woman that I was made happy by talking or hanging out with her! she didnt care that i was miserable!

also the idea that it was a “subconscious shit test” again takes away any responsibility from her, and again puts the blame 100% on me. oh if i had just passed the shit test, its all my fault. i cannot have that way of thinking!

i dont think we SHOULD treat women like Bratty Children. we CAN treat women like immature adults. even if the man is supposed to Lead and be Masculine, doesn’t mean he totally Dominates or Enslaves his woman. she still has free will.

well, ideally. but obviously the Average woman IS an immature child where if you dont want them to destroy your life, you MUST dominate them!!!!

dominate them or else they’ll destroy you. sounds great!

so yeah i dont want to get hung up on this shit test idea. besides i didnt think you got shit tests until after you banged the gurl. well if its a decent woman who doesnt bang every guy she knows. and she was a decent women wawawawawawaawawa.  so therefore she is entitled to give me shit tests before i bang, or even date her?

no need to overcomplicate this, over think it, go to Occam’s razor, she simply did not want to Date me, that much is obvious.

YOU MUST HAVE ME CONFUSED WITH SOMEONE WHO TAKES SHIT. Stop being shitty and make me a sammich hahahaha.

you either hang out with me and show me you still care about me, or we’re done. officially.

then i would have dumped her before she could dump me hahahaha.

but i was too in luv, too invested, to be able to do that.

thats why you have these discussions early, before you fall too deep in luv.

damn.

so after a few months, i was fully in the throes, and very emotionally compromised,and put her on a huge pedestal, which is what luv is, so dont hate the pedestal, hate the pvssy hahahaha.  no luv grows like a fungus, fairly quickly, and if you avoid talking about it, it turns bad.

hahaha funny. looks like i avoided talking about something important too. then it became too important for me to avoid. but she wanted to keep avoiding it.

so i should have put the foot down and said we’re not gonna avoid this any more. THIS ENDS NOW. I have feelings for you, thats why things have been so weird. i know it’s a bad time for you. sorry but thats how feelings work. they happen at weird times. take it or leave it.

and then she would leave it and i would have been spared some time and pain.

ok fine i applied for this goddamn job pool thing which closed today at 11:59 hahahaha. really half assed it. only did jobs going back 10 years, did not put name of supervisor or anything that wasnt asterisked. but i lied and said i applied for it earlier, and really it is an ok idea to apply, so i applied for it.

///////////////

LETTER: ok. this is obviously an unsent letter. if you were to send it, you would take all the harsh mean stuff and say everything in a nice way.  and thats exactly what i did with the letters. you start off being honest, totally honest, then go back and smooth it over in a way that you could actually say to a person. remove the anger and the accusations. thats what i did!!!! owned my feelings, tried to use I statements and minimze You statements.

i will not do that here, this will be more raw.

OK. so i was very mad and upset at how this ended up. i thought you cared for me. i realize you dont like like me, but damn please dont throw me away like a piece of garbage. so i was weak and pushy and annoying. i still dont think that cancels out everything we had before. so you didnt share my feelings. you really didnt have to dump me in the most hurtful way possible. that really hurt me. it didnt have to hurt so much. i wish you had just talked to me and told me. i wish you had responded to any of my 4 emails. the first one would have been a good opportunity. do you understand how this was painful to me? have you ever had strong feelings for someone but they refused to talk to you? what happened when you tried to bury these feelings deep and pretend they werent there? have you ever gotten feeligns for someone who was a friend for 2 years? probably not. but it is no fun when you cant talk to the person, and they are pulling away from you. you begin to blame yourself for absolutely everything, it eats away at you, well at least thats how i felt. my confidence and strength was destroyed. so im sorry i wasnt very strong or courageous about it all. as all this went on for month and motnhs with no resolution or no communication, it ate away at me.

so thats why i was annoying. but i dont think me being annoying was being ABUSIVE. i was just upset and worried and anxious and wanted to talk, but i was not getting the chance to talk. however i just couldnt bury or extinguish my desire to talk, because my desire to talk was because of the feelings i had for you, and i couldnt extinguish those.

it hurts to get the silent treatment from someone you care about, whether you have special feelings or just friendly feelings. i felt like i was getting shut out of your life and i didnt want that. i wanted to be a part of your life and you to be a part of mine. it hurt so much to get that rejected. i hope you can understand this. thats why i was so pushy to communicate, and thats why i was so utterly devasted when you stopped talking to me.

yeah i should have been stronger and just sucked it up and keep calm and carry on. maybe if this had all happened a few months earlier i could have. but by that time it had been eating away at me for too long, and i was ery emotionally and mentally compromised by the stress, of having something important to talk to you about, and not being able to do it.

yeah i should have just said something months earlier. that is one of my biggest regrets. as well as not asking you directly about your new BF last year, or asking you about your feelings towards me, or talking about my feelings towards you, or telling you the instant i started changing in october, like hmmm i think things are changing right now.  i was too cowardly to talk about those feelings. i learned that the price of NOT talking about them, is too great to avoid. that is, its best to talk about them sooner than later. it will be awkward but the short term awkwardness is worth it, to get past any long term conflicts, and get everything out in the open as soon as possible, so everyone is open and honest at all times.

i could feel you becoming gradually more distant and this hurt me too, to have someone who was once my friend, not want to be my friend any more, not want to talk to me any more, not care about me any more.  yeah our friendship would have to change or end because of my feelings, but that doesnt mean you can totally disrespect the other person and treat them like garbage. i know you didnt intentionally do this, but i felt like i was being treated like garbage, like just an annoyance that should disappear forever. this is a terrible feeling!!! it is very shattering to my self confidence to get that from someone who once was so nice to me. to be held in high regard, then held in low regard, by someone that i still cared about greatly. this was heartbreaking to me.

was this all because of a “shit test”? were you just testing me? why the fook couldnt we just talk like two adults? because i was not an adult? i was the bad guy? i just wanted to talk to you and make the best of a very bad situation!!!!! you made the situation 100000 times worse! i wanted to put water on the fire. you threw gasoline on it!!!!

im not accusing you. thats just what it looks and feels like to me.  and i am heartbroken and devastated.  i worry about my ability to connect with women in the future. are all women like this?

i want to forgive you because that means i will have let go. i am still angry though. i forgive you partially right now, because you probably didnt know what you were doing, much like me. lots of not clear thinking. you didnt MEAN To hurt me this much. but the situation still hurt me and i believe you could have done more to treat me more kindly and i would hurt LESS. so i am still a little angry and i am not through forgiving you. forgiveness is a process which takes time. it will be a while before i can let go of ALL the anger. but i hope to get there someday.

best wishes to you. but i still want you back and cant let you go entirely right now. this shocking heartbreak will take a long time to get over. at least 6 months, if not a whole year. my feelings for you were real. they were not simple lust or infatuation. they were built on knowing you and being your friend and trusting you for 2 years. that is a pretty big deal. and ending something that significant and substantial should be done in more respectful of a manner than just throwing the person away like garbage.

i dont think i was so shitty that you couldnt even write me an email or facebook message. just say sorry but i cant do this anymore, have a good life, things were good once but i am done. just say that for gods sake. i didnt deserve one simple but powerful sentence because i was weird and pushy?

relationship experts agree that dumping somebody with no communication is the worst, most painful way to end a relationship. it is only justified if the person has been abusing you. i may have been annoying you, but i was not ABUSING you. you ignoring and avoiding me and giving me the silent treatment and stonewalling, was closer to Emotional Abuse, than was me, pushing you to talk. i was only pushing you out of a positive kind caring feeling. that feeling is by definition totally absent when you avoid and freeze somebody out. you cant freeze somebody out out of love. or if you are, at least TELL them. tell them what you are doing.  this has been the most frustrating and painful experience ive faced in years. in a way this feels worse than a loved one dying. becuase i know that they loved me and didnt choose to die. here i feel like you are rubbing salt in the wound, that you REALLY dont care about me at ALL any more and you’re gonna prove it to me.

and i dont even think thats true! i think you still care about me a LITTLE, more than what this action is saying.

also i know you are a better person than to do something this cruel, which makes it all the more shocking and frustrating and painful.

but yeah i will forgive you and stop being angry at you in 6 to 12 months. i just wished you hadnt been so harsh.

how could you hate me that much? this seems like a vengeance thing that you do only to people who have really wronged you, abused you, betrayed you. i dont think i did any of those things, at least not to this extent! im sorry i didnt respect your boundaries but i dont think you respected my boundaries either.

i just cant beleive you hated me that much or had lost that much respect or caring for me. did our time together mean anything to you? how long did you hate me? when did you start “packing your bags?” for me it started to get too much around february. i should have just told you everything by then rather than dragging it out till july.

but yeah i feel terribly rejected and heartbroken.

i wasnt perfect but i dont think i was THAT BAD to be treated like this. no one deserves to be treated like this. i know you are a kind person. you used to be kind to me. how could you be so unkind to me? it already hurts to end an important relationship.

its natural and normal for relationships to end when one person gets feelings but it can be done in a respectful and compassionate and kind way that shows you care about the well-being of the person, and dont think they’re garbage just for getting feelings for you. nobody is garbage for getting feelings.

this was an important relationship for me. i know at one time it was for you too. i cant believe you wouldnt try to end it in more of a friendly manner.

i know you didnt intend to hurt me so much and part of the hurt you cannot control, because you cannot control what kind of feelings you have about me, meaning i would be disappointed if you couldnt have feelings for me, but that is no ones fault. it is in your power though, to appraoch this situation in a more friendly manner so that there are not hard feelings. i dont want to end this in this way, and you still have the power to end this in a less painful way. just tell me that you dont hate me, that our friendship was important.

this is such a disappointing end to to such a beautiful friendship. we started to have some trouble in the last few months but that doesn’t mean it has to end this way. lets share our feelings and thoughts with each other and give each other respect.

so i screwed up. so i kept saying lets hang out instead of let’s TALK. i cant really say it was obvious that i wanted to talk about something. I just don’t know how obvious it was. i should have said more directly that i wanted to talk about something important to me. in the meantime i tried to send different sorts of signals to you, to indicate that i had new feelings. thats why i was texting you more than i had before and acting different in general.

i know women dont respect weak and unconfident men. this is the absolute worst thing you can be to a woman, they will respect you less than someone who hurts them directly, like a cheater or a deadbeat. but honestly. im not just some random unconfident guy. you know i can be more confident. i am just going through a phase right now. its part of being human. we all have our ups and downs. i will get through this, it just takes time, and i would appreciate your support, rather than the contemptuous condemnation i feel i am getting.

i know you have been abandoned by people in your life. you know how bad it hurts then. please dont do that to me. dont make me remember YOU as an abandoner, because i know you’re a better person than that.

we can totally end our relationship and never have to talk to each other again. but i feel like you are treating me like i am a horrible person. i am really not a horrible person, not for liking you, and not for being awkward about telling you.

it is devastating to feel abandoned by someone you cared greatly for. who you wanted to be in your future. well obviously you didnt want to be in my future but when one person rejects another person its inherently painful. one does not need to add any more pain to it, unless they absoultely hate the other person and want them to suffer. i cant believe you’d want to make me suffer, when we had been good friends for 2 years.

this is killing me. i will never give up on love and i will always risk heartbreak to get it. but this didnt have to end this badly. i came to you with a spirit of cooperation and oppenness. i feel you were avoiding me, with a spirit of closed-ness. there was no way an open person can cooperate or communicate with a closed person.

its okay to have time and space and distance and to end our relationship, but please communicate about things like this, or you risk hurting someone deeply. communication is VERY VERY VERY important.

if i were doing something to make you this mad and hateful at me, i wish you would have told me or even argued or screamed or fought with me. that would tell me that you cared enough about me and the relationship to confront me about it and do something about it. i would have done my best to stop hurting you.

but you also cant expect me just to stay away from you forever. that is not reasonable. me wanting to talk to you, and even hang out with you once in a while, is reasonable. i did try to give you some time and space. but i couldnt do that forever. you were my friend and i wanted to see you and spend time with you. i dont think that is unreasonable for friends to expect of each other. if you wanted more time and space, you have to communicate about it. i could have given you more time and space if you told me more or communicated with me more or met with me just to talk about what was bothering you.

so women are supposed to hate weak men even more than they hate an abuser or an abandoner. supposedly women hate a weak “nice guy” worse than they hate a violent, dominating, cheating, monster. because at least that guy is strong and masculine. i can understand this to an extent but only to an extent. does it always have to be that way? do all women have to be like that? i was a weak nice guy, did you have to hate me THAT much? I never abused you. i never really HURT you other than being weak and annoying, which is a much lesser kind of “hurt” than cheating, violence, abuse, betrayal.

did you have to hate me that much?

maybe you didnt hate me. i think you were just overwhemled and wanted to avoid dealing with a tough situation, pretend none of this existed.

thats valid but god damn did it hurt me. the problem with that is that you can pretend none of this exists, but thats really hurtful to me to be on the receiving end of that. to be the one pretended like they don’t exist. when the one doing that pretending is someone he once thought of as a good friend. and they thought of him as a good friend too.

you told me i was a good friend. i wish you told me that you wanted to stop being friends.

i wish i could have just presented my feelings to you, and have you say “sorry but no thanks i cant do that, but i dont hate you for it.”

i wouldnt have hated you if you got feelings for me. in fact long ago i thought you might have. im sorry i was too scared to mention anything. i shoudl have asked you straight up. but i didnt want to interfere or break up your relationship. it was only after your rel ended that i started to think about you differently. if you started really acting you like you liked me i might have said something. but i wouldnt avoid you. i would want to resolve the issue by talking about it.

if you even could have responsed to email1 or any of the emails, that would have been a lot better. that would have felt like we were having a discussion about our relationship.

even if my feelings were one sided, the communication surround the end of the relationship did not have to be one sided.

i know you know abotu the importance of karma. its just really bad karma. i know youre not a bad person, but this is a really shitty thing to do. getting used to doing things like this is how a good person becomes less good. you dont need to hurt your karma by doing this. you’re better than this. youre a good person. dont do something really shitty to ME, who was once your friend, who still cares about you. i dont want to remember you with bitterness.

and i will forgive you one day, it will just take a little longer. but it really sucks that it had to end this way. this could have been a lot less painful. there could have been better karma. this is terrible for my confidence. i have experienced a lot of failure and rejection in my life and it doesnt get any easier. it has led to depression and anxiety which is partially why i have not developed very much in my life for my age. i am tired of failing, scared of failing again, tired of trying even, when everything ends up in failure. its been like that with school, work, and relationships especially. im tired of trying, and ive lost my ambition. i will never give up on having a good relationship though, because thats more important to me than school or career. i can live with a mediocre job. but i would not want to have a mediocre relationship. i would rather be alone. but i am tired of being alone. i would rather have a good relationship with a good person than be alone all my life. you are a good person and i thought you were the one for me. obviously i am not the person for you at ALL.

you can reject my feelings but dont reject me as a person in such a harsh, mean way.

 

///////////end letter for now hahahaha

heh 83 days later and i briefly went back into muh facebook and she is STILL blocking me. good lord.

well maybe she can’t unblock me when i have my account deactivated, which i do 99.999999999% of the time!

i think this is the case.

https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20110420173417AArmSHq

well according to this at least. yes. you do have to have an active facebook, for them to unblock you. hehehehe maybe she wanted to unblock me, but couldnt beccause i wasnt even there!!!!!

shit.

anyway facebook clearly sucks so i am glad i only reactivated it for 30 minutes or so. then deactivated it. i did NOT look at the damn messages i we exchanged back in the day.

i dont even know why. well thats a lie. i wanted to see if she was still blocking me.

but it looks like she cant UNBLOCK me if i am not ACTIVE. so yeah she always will be blocking me as long as i am not active!!!

well she has my email and phone number if she really is desperate to get hold of me!!!!!!!

damn.

of course she doesnt WANT to get ahold of me…..or else she WOULD have.

but i cant say she’s “still holding a grudge because she hasnt unblocked me” because i dont think she COULD unblock me even if she wanted!

fooooook.

20151005141730

maybe she wanted to unblock me but couldnt. i looked at some co workers but i did not look at any of her family members or people where she would be SUPER likely to post. but rather people where she might post. i know im blocked because i cannot find her in my search box. no i did not want to use the direct url of her FB page. its horrible that i remember what it is!!!!!!

well i also wanted to see if anybody had sent me any messages. i dont know if they even CAN if you are deact. i didnt see any messages. im still not sure if they can.

hehehe because i thought she might have unblocked me and sent me a Reconciliation message, was my hope hahahaha.  so obviously i am not nearly over this.

hehehe it looks like people are working a lot of overtime at muh job. 30 hours a week of overtime alone hahaha. ie 70 hours a week. this is what they do.  i guess its better to pay many people 30 hours of overtime than to hire them full time? but couldnt they just put them on salary and make them work overtime for free?

heh. i just dont understand it. wouldnt it be cheaper to do that? or to hire more people so they wouldnt have to give overtime?

i wonder how much overtime she is working.

whenever there was an opportunity for overtime, i would say NO THANK YOU. overtime was time and a half, ie a pretty good rate, yet i was never willing to work EVEN ONE HOUR of overtime, was how much i hated it hahahaha. i am not answering phones and dealing with ridiculous shit for even ONE HOUR of 30 dollars an hour pay hahahaha. no it wasnt THAT much hahahahaha. but it was still high.

the only time i ever worked overtime was when it was absolutely mandatory and they gave you no choice.

that is a great measure of how much do you hate a job. do you AVOID taking overtime at every opportunity?

that was really the only way i was a “bad” employee, is that i was never THIRSTY for overtime. plenty of people are, because they have Huge Debts and Kids and are one paycheck away from the Streets.

THERE, BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD, GO I.

other than that i was a pretty good Employee. like actually smart. smarter than her hahahaha.

hahahaha wawawawawawaw i want Cuddles. I really wanted Cuddles with the woman. i have not have Cuddles in….since….shit 2005 sometime? about maybe may or june 2005 i cuddled with woman3 and maybe woman2, and that was it son. no cuddles for 10 years!

hahahaha no no Sex either. i thouht you had to cuddle to have secs.

no you really dont. bitches these days. maybe 10 years ago the raw hedonism of sex went along naturally with the tender warmth of cuddling. but not in 2015! they have been cleaved in twain!

very strange that women can take the emotion out of it. perhaps the most naturally emotional thing, and the most emotional people, can suck all the emotion out of this thing?

i dont believe it.

that’s why these open rels and promiscuity and casual sex are such clusterfooks!!!! people say they arent, but they really ARE, and they KNOW it, and deep down, they dont WANT it.

but people can FORGET their human natures, such that when they feel rumbles of it, they are confused, or they want to supress these unnatural, violent, Oppressive urges.

anyway i like cuddles! even more than sechs! you cant get diseases or have to have abortionz from cuddles! god damn!

are All Women Emotionally ABUSIVE? what she did was well not evil per se, but SHITTY. it wasnt as bad as cheating, but it was still bad. shitty. and arguably Silent Treatment over the long-term is Manipulative and Emotionally/Psychologically Abusive.

well she wasnt giving me silent treatment over long term, but she was avoiding me over long term. then when the silent treatment kicked in, i went apeshit. that was it. i was done hahahaha. she was done too. well i didnt want to be done with her, but i was done with that situation.

my job made me anxious and she made me anxious. they both made me quite anxious. each made the other worse. i might have been able to handle HER if the job were less anxious. but yeah both shitty things at the same time blasting me in the face. no good. couldnt handle it any more.

yeah i kinda like writing that letter. it has led to more writing hahahaha. i still have things that i want to say TO HER, but i CANT, so writing it To Her is the next best thing.