YOU WANT TO HELP BUT YOU CAN ONLY HARM

feb 25

this is happening right now. quickly watched the speeches by Muh Woes, RZP, and Fat Forney. Woes was great and looked 600000 times more presentable than at NPI. he lost weight and was wearing a Dress Shirt and had a great speech where he mentioned the 14 words several times. MUH N1GG4.

RZP had a good speech where he showed himself to be very J aware and well read, though still maintaining his sense of humor. I just dont like 4 minute videos that are more jokes than substance. but he seems to be moving away from that. i resubbed to his channel after watching hahahaha.

Forney surprised me and had a great speech, getting passionate at times. he def gets mocked and and bullied by TRS but I thought his speech was really good. he mentioned his progression into becoming more pro-white than he was in the mala fide days (and I enjoyed IMF back in the day.) at this rate he is not far from potentially disavowing the more degenerate of his older books. still needs to lose weight though. maybe then a black suit would look better. but i am damn tempted to reinstate muh patreon dnation to him after this one. good job forney. give him a little credit on this.

oh god bless you george, i think he is making a breakthrough right now, at long last. he is developing a real sense of humor and confidence.

this is the video he’s referring to which he dd just previously.

I was moved to send him what I thought was a friendly and supporting message to encourage him on what seems to be a really positive turn for george. i really want to see him succeed because me and him are very very much alike, have fought with very very similar issues.

i think this is the correct song order.

saturday “morning”, the time is right for this maiden LIVE album. 1984 ish, the height of their game. regretting more and more not seeing them live on book of souls tour. hope there is a next time, maiden is now officially on The Concert Bucket List. Period.

one of my serious worries is that i will hurt people rather than help them, when I am coming at them with 6000000000% Good Faith and Will to help them. I want to help neets and losers and people like me and George. I very rarely reach out and communicate with these people. When I do, it’s only out of the will to support and encourage and help them. I would be absolutely devastated if my efforts had a NEGATIVE effect on them. I HATE being a BAD INFLUENCE on people, in short, because that’s the last thing I want to be. I want to be a GOOD influence on them.

but it’s hard because of my own issues, I CAN potentially be a negative influence on people without even trying, certainly without wanting. It DEVASTATED me to think i was a negative influence on That Woman and made her life worse, when she was a good influence on me and made my life better. I wanted to do the same thing to her.

thank GOD I am over that, but the same sentiment applies to anyone I know in real life. my few friends and acquaintances. i dont want to be a Toxic Person that they are better off cutting me out of their lives. and especially when I make an effort to be a supportive and friendly. I don’t want them to say, welp he means well but he’s just not good enough.

possibly even worse is if they DO take my input seriously, but then misunderstand it, misinterpret it, and do bad things. thankfully i dont really have any examples of that.

something in Woes’s video on milo, he had a tangent that mentioned that some men might want to be mentors and helpers to younger people. help and guide and improve them. But maybe the mentor is in such a shitty state that even though he WANTS to help, it would STILL be a BAD idea for the “mentee” to listen to them. meaning its BEST for you to NOT EVEN TRY TO HELP people, because when you TRY to HELP people, you just end up HURTING them. as someone who WANTS TO HELP people, this worry is very very very troubling indeed. which is prob why i don’t Reach Out to people who need help. and why I consciously distance myself from communicating directly with the intended audience of this blog – hwyte men who NEED HELP.

but also even more of a priority than helping others is helping MYSELF first. doctor cure thyself first hahahaha. but at the same time, i DO totally see myself as POTENTIALLY being helpful to others in similar positions, even though I’m not a full blown winner yet, and probably wont be until I am 50, if ever.

but I don’t want to totally BAN myself from EVEN TRYING TO HELP people. if the opportunity is there, I want to be able to do it, and actually succeed.

again, not a HUGE worry because it actually hasn’t happened. The closest thing i’ve actually experienced is having friends I really liked and respected, and wanting to improve their lives the way that they improved mine……and failing, because ultimately I wasn’t a “good fit” with them. like with That Woman.

or, 10 years ago, I was a total degenerate, drinking and MJ’ing and being a total punk loser, but I STILL had good friends. good, positive people. but I was the bad boy. they might have joked that I was a bad influence on them, corrupting the youth, turning younger kids into MJ heads or cynical nihilists. I knew they were partially joking, but I always worried about the kernel of truth there. I mean they didn’t Reject me and say get away from me you loser, so I realize I was probably more of a good influence than a bad influence. but even just the idea that I could be a bad influence at all. that really sits badly with me and is prob one of the more effective motivators to improve myself. but god damn that has been a long, long, long, slow baby steps struggle lasting well over 10 years and will prob last 20 years at least. bringing me WELL into the second half of my LIFE, which I am close to entering right now. god damn.

like it felt really good to Communicate with George just as he seems to be Turning His Life Around. then I got hit with the doubt that he might not need my help, not WANT my help, and just find me useless at best, and actively harmful at worst.

cuz i could see myself Helping People for a Living, and I would hate to be in that position and FAIL COMPLETELY at it. To want and try to help them, but just end up hurting them.

i know this is a very real thing for social workers and therapists and shrinks and teachers and people whose job it is to help people, who really WANT to help people. they end up taking shit too personally. it boils down to the fact that you can never MAKE someone do ANYTHING. you can lead the horse to water but cant make them drink. period. but you also cant HELP but take it personally when you’ve tried so hard to help them. its a similar situation with muh fam. they’ve tried so hard to help me……but nothing worked. thankfully I have made more of a conscious effort to “pay them back” for their valiant, heroic efforts, to send the message that even if i didn’t turn out too well, I still appreciate their heroic, self-sacrificing efforts. any other kid would have turned out to be a huge success, but i was always a bad seed i guess.

but thats a horrible view of muh self. i really really feel like a bad seed but, just like George, i do have a good side. it can just be REALLY HARD to FIND and to encourage in yourself. to feel the good dog and NOT feed the bad dog, to use that old very very very very TRUE cliche. I’ve fed the bad dog so much, i dont even know what the good dog looks like or where he is. the good dog has become an unknown unknown hahahahahaha. but thats not totally true, i know my good dog involves my desire to help people like i said above. and to be a nice moral person who wants to help people, to help children, to be a good person and not a lazy loser degenerate.

you totally can lose track of your good dog, not have contact with him for months or years. so it really IS an empowering thing to finally stumble upon the good dog again. but you gotta hold on to him, feed him, and not let him go. I am sort of doing this and George seems to finally have found his good dog for the first time in a while. maybe reminds me that I have a good dog in myself too, we ALL do. even fookin nonwhytes. but ESPECIALLY hwytes hahahahaha.

ok i have pre emptively moved this into the topkek posts page because these are very important points. serious shit. but i think i am done being serious today, so back to the SHITPOSTING hahahahaha.

was a pill popping maniac yesterday, which yes, IS degenerate. 3 valiums and 2 benedryls. crashed into bed around 130 am, having got up at 5am the previous day. slept pretty solidly to about 12pm and then have been eckbearding today….well sorta. watched some great yt vids, wrote a very nice thing to george, wrote a qualitypost above, so really the neckbearding starts now. but its already 4pm . feels more like 1 pm hahaha. this is what happens when you stay up late and get up late.

would like to do a powerwalk but it might be too cold out there, coldest its been all week. cold and windy. not a good comvo hahahah.

got a social thing today starting at the late hour of 10 pm. will prob take 1 valium before leaving. ideally would sing a good karaoke song. actually ideally i would find some degenerate at the bar and buy 20 dollars of MJ off him hahaha. its actually not impossible. also contribute 20 dollars of goodwill to the group bar tab as several achievements are being celebrated. and ive been wanting to go to more social events and not look like an aloof antisocial prick. i dont have to stay longer than 2 hours. no one is asking me to close down the bar, although the others prob will hahahaha.

hahaha it looks like well known swedish black metal band marduk is now being PROTESTED by ANTIFA on some 2017 US shows because they think they are NAZIS hahahaha. i have been on the fence about making an effort to see marduk. i mean i really SHOULD, im sure its a GREAT metal show,and ive never seen them, and have sorta wanted to for years. they have a good aesthetic of christraeping black metal and i like their brutal blasting and i like that their Aesthetic has become gradually more “FASCIST” over the years, that is much better than satanic bullshit. naturally the antifa see this and think they are nazis. Which i would be thrilled if they WERE! but now i’m hoping marduk doesnt CUCK and make a statement like “we are a nonpolitical band who is totally anti racist and anti fascist, we welcome fans of all races. we just like ww2 stuff in our Brutal Aesthetic.” i mean the same thing happened to SLAYER. i cant remember if they made any Cucky Walkback statements. Pretty weak to see Toughguy metal bands doing Cucky Tolerance and Diversity stuff. to my knowledge, marduk hasn’t said a damn word and I hope they keep it that way and just continue playing brutal shows and this makes me want to see them more.

my main problem with them is , i want to like them and i’ve TRIED to like them for YEARS, but its SO hard to sit through an entire album without getting bored. the best would be a greatest hits album or a greatest hits concert. i dont doubt the concerts are great. i really should go. but stay away from all the degenerate drug and alcohol nihilist metalheads. shit some TRVE FASCISM would give their lives some direction and make them MUCH better people.

or the antifa complained that morgan from marduk didn’t roundly condemn varg vikernes when varg was arrested about 3 years ago for hate speech or something (later charges were dropped thankfully.) morgan said thats good they were dropped, this is a ridiculous violation of freeze peach. of course antifa hate that. means youre supporting a neo nazi.

they even bring up the fact that supporting band on tour incantation had a Ebil Nazi in their band 15 years ago.  I have seen incantation live more than any other death metal band, they put on a GREAT show every time. most of their albums are boring though. except for the old ones with the nazi singer. he has an EXCELLENT voice. and yes he is pretty much a much biger nazi than marduk ever will be hahahaha. and i love it! I say good for him! i’m surprised he doesnt get more pushback. but his current band disma has been banned from tours recently. they dont even say racist stuff. they just have craig pillard with his best death metal vocals ever. I enjoyed their album. I luv pillard’s voice, one of muh fav DM singers. and i LUV that he LUVS HIS RACE OPENLY. I STAND WITH CRAIG PILLARD hahahahaha. If I ever see you craigy I will buy you lunch and try to have an important conversation about race with you hahahahaha.  but yeah i’m not much into death metal. just iron maiden and black metal hahahaha.  and ALWAYS open to alt right, pro hwyte, racist music. hard to find GOOD ones there tho. greyfield stray is explicity alt right and post on TRS  but they/he are….. alternative prog rock? I should try listening more.

ok go to grocery store at 8pm. checked the google maps for a drop off in busy time. prefer to go to store on fridays not saturdays but working normies HAVE to go on sat or sun. and god have mercy on the poor souls who have to WORK at the grocery store on the weekends!!!!!!

yeah i would luv to sc0re a 20 dolla thing of MJ from some guy at the bar hahahaha. i mean it is a good bar. pretty much explicitly hwyte. always comments about how there’s never any blacks and are blacks even ALLOWED here? so yeah its pretty much the best bar ever, but still all the hwytes get degenerately drunk and bang barsluts.

but it is tech fun to watch karaoke. just too stressful to be put on the spot and have people goading you to do karaoke when you dont have a good song prepared, and youre not raging drunk because you dont drink anymore, in contrast to all the people around you getting raging drunk and partying and having a great time.

oh shit the lyrics of iron maiden’s “run to the hills” are explicitly anti-white, written from the perspective of Natives who were killed by the evil white conquistadores from across the sea.  well that’s what im getting out of the lyrics i can discern.

well i’ll let it slide because i dont think this is indicative of where their beliefs are at, i think they were just kind of doing a fantasy LARP as natives, i don’t know WHY, but they dont seem to do it regularly, and also it’s a pretty overrated song, never one of my favorites, pretty forgettable as far as their hits go hahahaha. just dont do it again guys.

and on a whole, iron maidens lyrics have NEVER been really IDEOLOGICAL or POLITICAL. which I wouldnt have a problem if they were ideological in the right way hahahahaha.

i also have this fantasy, this hope, that maiden was less degenerate than other bands like priest. they didnt do as much coke, they didnt drink themselves stupid as much, they didnt bang as many filthy whores, they actually had enough pride to not perform sloppy concerts while fooked up on drugs and alcohol and half assing it for the working slobs paying to see a good show.

like when i was a young lad going to pantera concerts (wow does that make me feel OLD), they were often shitty drunk. i thought that was awesome, as I glorified the degen behavior they showed in their “watch it go” video, where they made being a drunk degenerate look like the most fun in the world.

to their credit the band still sounded tight as shit and i guess darrell was capable of playing perfectly despite having an 80% BAC hahahaha. but phil was always sloppy and fooking hostile hahahaha. he was not at his finest. of course i thought this made him a huge badass, but now i’m mature enough to realize its disrespectful to himself, his band, and the fans.

but yeah it was ultimately horrible for me to think that pantera was so cool the way they partied like degen animal N3GR0ES. I just didnt view it like that. it was more like, god damn its awesome and fun to be raging drunk as much as possible!!!!!!!!

i dont blame them for my own degeneracy…..but that was not a good example for me to be following. i really wish i knew better.

ok now looking for iron maiden tributes, pref with more “heavy” bands and less gay bands hahahaha. i would even listen to metallica doing tribute as long as they are not being super gay hahaha. the remember tomorrow cover does sound ok. i know opeth did a cover of this song too. never my fav maiden song to begin with hahaha.

there are some good bands in here like evoken and morgion for example. and angel corpse!!!! solitude aeternus is not bad. absu is ok, vital remains is probably listenable haha. i think i saw them live. probably with incantation hahahaha. who is of course the much better DM band and they should do some maiden covers.

morgion was a VERY UNDERRATED band and i would luv to see them come back. I discovered them when I was YOUNG and that was one of the better musical taste decisions I made at that age. the solinari album is a timeless classic.

homeowners insurance. zillow IMPLIES that it adds a pretty big amount to your monthly mortgage payment. do you HAVE to get the insurance? is it a complete jooish scam bullshit with no benefits, like CAR insurance, which i spent a decent amount of money on, but get NO benefit from it, even if, ESPECIALLY if i were to get in a car accident? im only buying the “cheapest”, most useless insurance, because i legally HAVE to, and it is a TERRIBLE deal. its very expensive and get no value out of it. getting SCREWED. this is why literally TONS of people just dont buy car insurance and drive without insurance. because they simply cant AFFORD the legal bare MINIMUM. is home insurance like that?

because i see a house for sale for 6000 dollars and im like hmmmm.

also i dont like the idea of this iron maidens female tribute band. the picture i saw showed an honestly VERY attractive white guitar player with her tits hanging out like a whore. it would be a lot better if they didnt dress all SEXY aka SLUTTY. that is not good for a hwyte woman to do. any woman really but hwyte women are MY women and I want to defend their honor and not have them throw it all away.

also do not trust women who play in bands. i used to think it was cool. like oh thats a Cool Chick. then i realized cool just meant crazy af and would prob have no problem throwing you away like a piece of garbage and being cold and cruel to you with crazy bullshit. but probably being very wild and secsy in the bedroom. dont stick your dick in crazy. ever. unless your heart is cold as ice and you are willing to throw her away before she throws you away. and its never good for people to throw people away. so just dont do it.

 

 

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IF HAVING SECS IS EASIER THAN COMMUNICATING, THEN WHAT ELSE IS EASIER THAN COMMUNICATING?

sat sept 2

sheeeeeit MIGHT go to the fitness place today. saturday afternoon. its gonna be busy. theres gonna be arabs right next to me on the treadmill chanting, singing, praying, talking loudly in arabic. having loud annoying obnoxious phone conversations with other arabs. hehehehehe. arabs are fooking OBNOXIOUS. if they acted more like whites I wouldnt dislike them as much. white are generally not this obnoxious. in general. on average. they can still be plenty obnoxious. but i give them a little break because they are my people. there’s a race war on right now. every time a white becomes white trash, schlomo rubs his hands. and 95% of people dont know the JQ, so they just dont KNOW any better, and ignorance kind of IS a valid excuse.

anyway i would just go for 1 hour, use the treadmill, try to slowjog for 1 mile tops, listen to music and podcasts.

saturday afternoon. bet that woman is waking up next to her new boifran, all happy after being fooked hard and smoking tons of MJ hehehehe. good riddance. i still want her hahaha.

but i accept that will never ever ever ever happen. 100%. yearning for MJ is a much more realistic, doable thing. so i yearn for that equally hehe. this is really because i am socially inept. i literally don’t know anyone who can get me MJ, and i dont have the balls to seek people out. I asked the one person i could possibly ask, and that was a no unfortuantely.

i bet i could ask a bunch of people at planet fatness. all the arabs and albanians, a bunch of them def sell drvgs hehehehe. but i wouldnt trust them to give me a fair deal or to get what i really want (medium quality 1nd1c4 at a medium level price. medium, not high. medium is good enough for me, that i dont need to pay a premium for HIGH quality. medium is MORE than good enough, or at least it used to be, and i THINK it still would be.)

so yeah might do that at 1 o clock. but it will prob be busay at that time.

anyway. a few months ago the thought of her fooking and luving her new bf would have made me a lot more upset. and i would have wanted HER a lot more than i wanted MJ. but now they’re about equal hahahaha. i might even want MJ more hehehe.

granted, i dont want to RUMINATE or LINGER on the thoughts of her loving getting fooked and doing all sorts of degen with her new BFs. or just a string of casual guys.

and im just as more likely to get butthurt at HOW CAN SUCH A DEGEN MAKE SO MUCH MORE MONEY THAN ME AND BE SO MUCH MORE SUCCESSFUL AT ADULTING THAN ME.

yet she has no idea of The Arc Of History. No idea how Relationships Work. Is like a Baby with a Gun. Doesn’t understand her Reproductive Role and the Responsibilities that go with it. Doesn’t know how to communicate.

WRONG. she just didnt WANT to do any of that with ME. but with a SECSY masculine man, she was MORE than WILLING to do all of those things.

willing to hang out, willing to communicate, willing to sacrifice, willing to put herself out on the line, willing to go all in or even just half in, hahaha. willing to talk, willing to listen, willing to put yourself in the other persons shoes, willing to work, willing to make an effort, willing to change, willing to compromise. willing to go to a relship shrink hahaha. willing to end the rel in a sympathetic way.

willingness is SO important.

anyway im done with her waaaaaaaaaa i accept that,  and i have finally found somewhat of a job after Much Struggle, so…..i just want to buy a bag of MJ at a fair price plus maybe 15% tip/premium/finders fee hahahaha. maybe 20%. fine 20%. buy a 100$ dollar thing for 120$. buy a 150$ thing for 180$. COME ON. how can you turn that down.

later.

well i did go to fatclub. used treadmill for 65 minutes. burned 426 calkories. it was surprisingly not too busy. didnt have to wait. there was a qt white girl near me wearing extremely tight pants that were painted on her ass. after a few minutes another qt white gurl got in front of me with extremely tight pants. this is just fooking NORMAL and they dont KNOW how SLUTTY it looks! they LOOK like theyve fooked 20+ guys, when they’ve really only fooked 10! it’s not fair to them hahahahahahahaha

yes there were some swarthy arabs and turks in there, pretty high percentage unfort, BUT on the whol the place was NOT packed, and that was my main concern. have not been there in like 7 months.

but yeah if a woman fooks 20 guys and doesnt even know their names, then yeah you are entitled to feel a little butthurt when she doesnt fook you. ok so you might not have the best of intentions but i GUARANTEE you have better intentions, on average, than some of the Tough Guys she fooks! they dont give a damn who they hurt! you at least would abide by the campsite rule! leave em as good as you found em! (tech its “leave em better than you found em.” little generous. my version is, leave em as good as you found em.

youre just lookin for some secs, you’re not trying to screw anyone over or lie to anyone. no lying or cheating or douchebaggery. just slam bam thank ya mam. i mean shit. if youre not an experienced chad normie thundercock, you’ll prob end up getting feelings for any qt gurl who fooks you even if you set out to NOT get feelings and just have casual secs like she does.

but yeah. did a slow jog at 5 mph for 1 mile. so that took 12 minutes. pathetic hahahaha. then “rested” for 5 minutes or so, then started focusing on incline, keeping it at 3.0 mph. the incline did not seem super hard until after like 8 degrees. it goes up to 15 max which is darn steep. i think i always had it on 1.0 because that is a good simulation of real life.

these women. secs. yeah. its FUN to them, but MEANINGLESS fun. like JERKING OFF is for you. when you watched porn, you didnt think of those porno whores as PEOPLE. that might make it more uncomfortable. well, normie staceys dont think of the chads they fook as people either. just pornography, this is their version of porn. and god forbid they ever confuse YOU with one of those fookable chads and you get lucky once.

you will feel wow this is so special, she will think wow this is fun, but i hope he doesnt get feelings, doesnt he understand what casual fun is? this is just chill fun. dont get feelings. its just sex. if he gets clingy, im dumping him. i dont need that.

so yeah i guess i resented women for being able to feel that way about sex. about PEOPLE.

believe me, if i were actually fooking the girls in the pornos, it would be alot easier to view them as PEOPLE. you have a sweaty naked body there staring you in the eyes, being all sweaty and stinky. how can you NOT see them as a person. a fellow human being. DAMN.

i was thinking, well, how many good friends have i had during my life. this is how close you should get to someone before you have SECS with them. get as close to them as you would a Good, Top Tier Platonic friend.

So how many of those have I had? quite a few, actually.

2 in grade school, maybe 3;

3 from high school;

a bunch during college. 6 or 7 or 8.

(so therefore we should expect that the normal woman has 8 secs partners during college. because I had 8 decent friends during that time.)

a couple after college, including That Woman because we were good friends before the shit happened. maybe 3 or 4.

so, maximum of 3 + 3 + 8 + 4 by age…..30 ehehehe. THEREFORE, its ok for women to have a max of EIGHTEEN sex partners before age 30.

yeah but i didnt have secs with ANY of these people hahahahaha.

ok lets say 17, because one of the grade school friends, i wasnt really friends with him any more by the time i Hit Puberty, ie, when people really want to become Sexually Active. Start noticing goyls and jerking off to pron.

i suppose if a woman knew their secs partners as good as i knew any of those 17 people……then i cant really be butthurt if they fooked them. because i knew those people pretty well, a lot more than what I imagine women know the men they casually fook.

so there. you are allowed a max n of 17 by age 30!

but i dont want age 30 women, i want age 25 women.

ok, so how many of those friends were by age 25 for me? vast majority. maybe 15. i really slowed down on the friendmaking after age 24, 25 or so.

Fifteen Partners by Age 25. I HAVE to allow it. shit that sounds like SO MANY though.

i was in church and there was an adorable, well-behaved, blond-haired Little Gurl near me. I felt a very Paternal, Fatherly Urge towards her. Like I want to PROTECT that Little Gurl and make sure no one hurts her. none of these degenerate BOYS who just want ONE THING.

and there was nothing secsual about it, thank god. i didnt want to molest or Touch or Fondle or Make Out with the Little Gurl. Those things seemed disgusting, as they should. however I felt that perhaps hugging or “cuddling” the girl might be appropriate insofar as the realm of Fatherly Protection and Comfort, like how a little girl would cuddle with her Father. I didn’t see anything inherently degenerate with that.

so then I thought about how Cuddling could be a completely nonsexual act. in that you could do it with people you are not sexually attracted to AT ALL. well you can do it with just about ANYONE, really.

how about this. a dark net market for your local region, so you could essentially buy buy things and then have the person drop them off at a drop spot. stealth. rather than sending Stuff through the Mail. damn.

today i thought, if its impossible for me to luv women, and I REALLY want easy casual secs, i should look at like 45 year old milfs. would prob be easier to bang than 25 year old gurls. who are hard as fookin hell to bang. i need an easier mode. maybe 45 year old women are that mode. but theres a hell of a lot more bangable 25 year old women than 45 year old women! but they might like being a Cougar to a Younger Man hahahaha. not that I would be super young, like a 25 year old Cougar Cub is super young hahahaha.

this is why i d’nate 24 dollars a year to WEEV, so he can Engineer Software to tell white faces from black faces hahahahahahahaha. glad to see george feels in the comments hehehehe. because of this i think george is on the cusp of becoming one of us hehehehe. anyway i agree with weev that we need more pro hwyte, 1433 hackers and programmers and security types. it aint me babe, becuase i FOOKING HATE COMPUTERS. I FOOKING HATE THEM. as far as fixing problems with them, or figuring out how they work, i fooking HATE all that shit. i only like using working computers to use the internets. as far as coding and programming and networks and COMPUTER CAREERS, I HATE that shit. thats why i quit muh education in computers and never continued doing it for fun. BECAUSE IT ISNT FUN AT ALL.

jan 15

good cover of Best Ulver Song here, ol Winterfylleth has been Pinging on muh radar and they do a good version of the iconic song. not much change from original other than changing the lyrics to english. which i dont mind at all.

i think of them in same vein as SAOR, ie semi “pagan” stuff from The British Isles, but seems to be more blasts here. maybe wodensthrone would be better comparison. which is perfectly fine, i appreciate wodensthrone!

heh might get banned for muh inflammatory post on jan 15 hahahaha. i was turning a corner here. from complete despair and sorrow over that woman, to having a little more energy, and anger, little hwyte boi rage hahahaha, and also i was getting back to muh racial roots thank god. that whol debacle took my focus away from where it really matters, ie my people. was so obsessed with HER I couldnt even think of MUH PEOPLE.

heres the next most recent winterfylleth album, sounds pretty good. the main criticism im seeing is that they are “samey” and “boring”, and i could see that happening, but they present a very hwyte, beautiful, awesome   A E S T H E T I C nonetheless.

dnated 5 feckin dollas to the lawyer who defended WEEV and now weev has put out a call to donate to this guy. heh i wont dnate any more but when weev vouches for the guy, that is good enough for me. i look at it as giving a tiny token for keeping weev out of prison for life. i mean he already went to prison. thinking this lawyer was key in helping get him OUT of prison.

the ol legs are a bit sore from the activity i put them thru yesterday. so i will take it easy today.

maybe we SHOULD “PRACTICE” on milf sluts. is it easier to be Confident around a 45 year old milf slut, that around a 25 year old Young Slut?  I think maybe. good chance. good hypothesis. I actually do like this idea. obviously the trick is finding a 45 year old woman who still looks good. probably the ones that do, have a vastly overinflated sense of self worth. just like the 25 year old ones hahahahahaha.

made muh famous Beef N Bacon Chili. it is packed with Protein and Fat hahahahaha. 2.25 lbs of beef, about .75 lbs of bacon (12 oz package), 2.5 cups tomato sauce, 1 cup salsa, 30 oz of beans hahahaha.

trimmed beard to level 2, have been meaning to do that. i was surprised at how much it trimmed off. do this more often so i dont look like a slob. be thankful i have a NEW JOB where i am allowed to have a NEATLY TRIMMED beard. so keep it NEATLY TRIMMED. thankfully it didnt look TOO bad before this.

did i not STRETCH properly yesterday? probably not. i stretched a LITTLE, but it was prob too little, too late.

i know ive linked this before but well worth linking again. very similar to winterfylleth, possibly even better. atmospheric and epic without being huge shoegazing pvssies. plenty of savage blasting. now with moar kvlt factor now that they are RIP. i dont usually like Full Bands but these guys do a good job. good drummer. good guitar playerz.

still think of that woman unfort. how i want to hold her sweaty pasty non potato body hahahaha and gaze into her eyes and have her smile at me and touch her for hours. how do you replace that feel. well women do it very easily. any man will do. i wish she had as fookin HARD of a time replacing ME as I am replacing her. people aren’t that god damn replaceable. they SHOUDNT be.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twin_Peaks_(2017_TV_series)

so yeah the “third season” of twin peaks IS happening, it IS directed and written by david lynch, and I SHOULD be legit excited for this.

watched some teasers, not much there, other than to hint DIS GON BE GOOD. pretty much all the main people who arent dead. angelo badalamenti is not dead and is doing music. david lynch is not dead thank GOD. but he does look old AF and i hope he’s quit smoking. he is absolutely ridiculous but he never sold out to the J’s as much as other holywood people hehehe.

maybe david lynch did something big in the past couple years and i missed it because i have not been paying attention to movies.

nope, nothing.

anyway i could see myself getting back into movies again. but its a lot harder to do Unpozzed movies or TV than unpozzed music because of all the damn (((people))) involved. theres ALWAYS a you know who in there.

but yeah. that woman. damn. i dont WANT to start something new with a new woman. i wanted things to work out with HER. we already HAD something. i dont WANT to find somebody new. the special feelies i had, they were for HER. and that we had built something together. and i got to know her nice and slowly over a period of several years, not some whirlwind clusterfook of meeting and fooking and dating and hanging out and breaking up and sorrow and jealousy and bitterness that starts and ends in a period of like 3 months, and you never really KNEW the person.

i dont want to go through that with anyone. i want to get to know someone gradually. like i did with her. there was really nothing SUDDEN there. except for the ending. i didnt except the Bottom To Fall Out as suddenly as it did. even me going from “no feelings” to “feelings” was a gradual process that started with me really Facing The Feelings, and considering the feelings. Giving the feelings a chance.

and the idea of meeting some 45 year old slut on tinder, banging her within 2 dates, i dont like when things begin like that. i dont like people who begin things like that. but i am increasingly open to the idea of casual sex with sluts. provided i dont GET feelings for them. i havent got feelings for a slut in like 9 years…..but funny things can happen when you hang out with or bang a gurl. it triggers feelings. that they dont get because theyve been through this SO MANY TIMES.

i luv these. see, it happens ALL THE TIME. male falls in LUV with their female friend. and I would argue, the closer of friends they are, the more likely he is to fall in luv with her. if they are “best friends”, then it’s pretty much 100% gonna happen. not if, but when.  NEVER FORGET THIS.

thankfully reddit did not tell him what an evil person he is. and many people say give yourself some space because when you have feelings , you are not ready to be just friends yet. NO SHIT. I thought this was common sense. yep he needs lots and lots of space.

hehehe well at least i am slightly better than that, i have had 10+ jobs in muh life hahahaha.  and I keep meticulous records of everything my fam gives me, and how much I give back to them, and I continually try to increase the % of what i give them hehehehe. cuz yeah i suppose fam is a bit enabling, but i feel appropriate guilt and shame imho and make a good faith effort to pull some weight and give back, plus if i were kicked out i would prob die or K self or have to suck dick, and its probably better to be a damn mooching neet than SUCKING DICK ON THE STREETS.

DONT WALK ALL OVER A DOORMAT AND THEN COMPLAIN ABOUT HIM BEING A DOORMAT

IT TAKES TWO TO MAKE A DOORMAT.

all these women complaining about nice guy doormats. YES I AGREE it sucks to have people THROWING themselves asking to be WALKED ON, but THAT DOESNT MEAN YOU HAVE TO DO IT!!!!! Use it as a teaching moment to leave them better than you found them. say, stand up man! Dont let people walk all over you! and feel SHAME on Yourself if YOU ever walk on people!

GOOD WOMEN DONT WALK ON MEN!

DONT WALK ALL OVER A DOORMAT AND THEN COMPLAIN ABOUT HIM BEING A DOORMAT!

BETTER TO LIGHT A CANDLE THAN CURSE THE DARKNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i never walked on people. i wouldnt feel RIGHT walking on people. id say, this is fookin retarded, get up man, im not gonna WALK on you, have some damn self respect man!

yep so reading the controversial stuff from march 2015 (1.5 years ago hahaha) its obvious i should have

  1. just left it all alone, which i OBVIOUSLY couldnt do, so therefore my best option was
  2. just Confess and Blurt It Out right then and there. STOP WAITING FOR THE PERFECT MOMENT to talk to her because she wasnt gonna take it. the best I could have done is send her a one page email stating all the facts in as unemotional a way as possible and say, welp heres the explanation for all this. now just reject me already and lets move on with our lives and not have too much butthurt.

 

 

heh i kinda wish That Woman was all sad because YES IT IS, I GET IT, that losing a friend is HARD, even if you arent losing a Lover. So I wanted to know that she was UPSET to lose me as a friend, because that means i MEANT something to her as a friend, which i was PRETTY SURE I did. And she meant something to ME as a friend too! and then shit CHAAAAANNNGGGGED!!!!!! How is this SO HARD to understand! FEELINGS CHANGE!!!!!! Just Friends shit can CHANGE to wanting to be more than friends! its not ULTERIOR MOTIVES!!!!!

i guess i was/am trying to convince myself i didnt have ulterior motives. becuase i wouldnt like ulterior motives either. but deep down i guess i know it wasnt ulterior motives.

but i can see how you might think its ulterior motives, and i really want to convince you it wasnt, because i know how bad ulterior motives are.

 

hehehehe

 

i mean this stuff HAPPENS, its not just ulterior motives. but do WOMEN ever get feelings for their GUY friends, or it it always the other way around? i dunno. knowing women and how stupid and ridiculous they are, they probably dont, hahahahaha. why not? because they are meeting fun, interesting, secsy, eligible NEW guys ALL THE TIME. just a revolving door of neverending new guys. never any need to RETHINK anything because there is always someone NEW,

women are CONSTANTLY meeting new guys. men meet like one new woman a year. women meet a new guy EVERY DAY.

shit yeah men are more easily replaceable. its just a fact of life. get used to it.

yeah well that has been hard for me. i hate being replaced hahahaha. it takes 2 years for me to get over it every time.

and now all these people are piling on the man as the bad guy here, because he was friends with her, and as soon as she says no i wont fook you, he DUMPS her and turns his back. its all about SECS and FOOKING to these women, they dont even know what LUV is, and they cant understand that feelings happen sometimes, and its really hard to turn off feelings, and sometimes you need to be away from the person in order to get over your feelings, because they dont have feelings for you! and they call that dumping your friend because she didnt want to fook you. way to totally miss the point in the most jooish way possible. its like they never had unrequited luv for a friend before hahahaha. and they probably HAVENT! men understand what this is like………women do not.

yes they are like a separate species! damn! they dont know any of our feels and we dont know any of their feels!

good thing she hurts! but i GUARANTEE SHE will get over him a LOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT quicker than he gets over her! it will take him two YEARS, it will take her 2 months, tops.

interviews monday tuesday AND wednesday. that is a first. 3 interviews in 3 days. i mean how can I NOT get a Job Offer pretty soon? hehehehe.heh.

probably because i have Stopped Trying on the interviews. but I still dont do markedly WORSE. but i am remarkably not self aware hahahaha. i write about myself all day and im still not self aware hehe.

sheeeit back in march 2015 i was smokin MJ regularly. the best thing was to just put it in a regular cigarette. take out maybe half of the filter. and then you could easily smoke those outdoors.

heh. you know why i get jealous when you go hang out and meet all these new guys? because one of these new guys youre gonna think is more interesting and secsy than me and i dont want u to leave me!

i mean people can do what they WANT. no ones entitled to anything. just saying its god damn competitive AF out there, when your GF is meeting all these hot new guys all the time, and you are pretty average at best. hows she NOT gonna leave you for one of them, when you take all this extra effort to appreciate?

i have Being Dumped issues because women have had NO PROBLEM dumping me when the time came. showing me EXACTLY how much value they thought I had As A Mate. NO PROBLEM replacing me with a Sexier Man. Doesnt mean those men were Essentially Superior Humans to Me, in GODS Eyes…………but the women I was trying to get with sure thought so!!!!!!!

so hell yeah i have ISSUES about that! anyone would!!!!!

not saying i agree with this, but wouldnt it be an incentive for the state to legalize MJ if there were HUGE TAX REVENUE they could get from it? like if people make more money with it being illegal (police, law enforcement, pharm, alcohol, lawyers, jails), then WHY NOT add SO MUCH TAX to it that the state would make more money off the TAX than they would off all these other things. which means it would have to be a damn high tax. like maybe 20% hahahaha.

basically, how much tax would be ENOUGH for State Govt to approve legal MJ?

i mean i would be willing to pay a HUGE tax.

now im DEFINITELY not saying that that tax money would be used wisely. roads would still be falling apart, schools would still be shitty, infrastructure would still be shitty, there would still be no jobs, and all the money would just go to state workers and politicians salaries and pensions hahahaha, even if it brought in in a trillion bux a year. but shouldnt that be enough to convince THEM?

how about a 100% tax rate. buy a $100 bag of MJ for $200 and $100 goes to the state. how could the state not want that.

hahahahahaha

so i will be speaking to the director of IT tomorrow, he has a very impressive linkedin and has accomplised 14880000000000000000000000 times the things i have at around the same age i am.

they mentioned another guy would be there too, they just mentioned a first name that sounded very informal, i looked up people named this at the company, and thats the CEO’s first name. he goes by this informal kind of nickname. he has a PHD from CAMBRIDGE. I mean thats intimidating as FOOK. do I really NEED all that? i am just trying to make 12 dollars an hour here. you dont need to have your cambridge phd ceo fooking talk to me.

oh i bet he has a wife and children too. and gets respect from people. well hes EARNED it!

the company is probably making at least 30 million a year in revenue and they want ME to speak to the CEO. i mean ive seen this before, where there were RIDICULOUSLY high up people in the interview for basically an entry level position.

trying to do some research on company, interview prep right now, printing shit. gonna run out of this “new” black print cartridge i just bought like a month ago. lucky if a print cart can last for 10 interviews hehehe.

right now posting some stuff from april 2015, when i was still talking to her. it is sad. real sad. i am very embarrassed and ashamed of how cowardly and weak and stupid i was. shes not a bad person. i wasnt trying to play mind games with her, but im sure i ended up confusing her anyway. she was having a tuff time in life. the best thing i could have done was be direct. and i wasnt. you think she was mature enough to handle that at 24 years old? come on.

i mean i didnt want to manipulate her either. i was just SO DESPERATE to hang out with her, and she just kept avoiding it. so why didnt i say, well she OBVIOUSLY doesnt want to hang out! so stop bugging her, OR JUST SAY WHAT I WANT TO SAY AND BE DONE WITH IT.

so it is painful seeing myself acting so idiotically against this poor little confused gurl.

but i was confused too. i wasnt trying to manipulate or control her. i just want to hang out. and i just couldnt accept reality though.

i wish i had the BALLS just to say what I was really thinking though. just be a MAN and be like LISTEN. HERES THE THING. I’ve started to like like you over the past couple months. this affects our rel and we HAVE to deal with it.

not cutesy bullshit like i missssssssss you and lets hang out soon bla bla bla.

I WAS ACTING LIKE A WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so yeah hope i dont have too many throwback posts like that, becuase i need to move on from that. i mean i learned my lesson and hopefully i wont do the same shameful shit again.

which isnt to say shes blameless. she could have done better too.

but i was no innocent either.

but im not a bad guy, shes not a bad person either, we were just two decent people who used to be good friends, both acting very weakly and cowardly, and the entire rel crumbling and dying as a result, and it was just SAAADDDDDDD AS FOOOOOOOK.  Like i say im not ANGRY at her, i haven’t really EVERY gotten ANGRY except BEFORE it ended. After it ended, I’ve just been SADDDDDDD AS FOOOOOOOOK. Cuz it really IS!

talking to the CEO. WHY would they throw out this second name, you’ll be talking to director if IT john kimball, and also billy. who the fook is billy. (not actual name.)

Why not say Billy Smith, CEO of the 500-employee company??????

so that means the job pays at least 40k right?

36k is National Average. i mean even that is a little HIGH for me, thinking well ive settled for 12 an hour, no WAY anyone would ACTUALLY pay me 18 an hour!

maybe the CEO just sits in on SOME interviews for FUN when he has the time and is not having power lunches or doing photo ops. he has a free hour, they’re doing an interview, whoopee, might as well drop in and terrify the Supplicating Dogsbody for a 12 dollar an hour job when I make 200k a year. I make TEN TIMES what he does.

It’s just not a WHITE thing to do to LORD your influence over other white men like that. And I’m pretty sure the guy is white. CEO with a phd in engin from cambridge, about 65 years old. gotta be white.

so she was just an immature little gurl, didnt know any better, dindu nuffin. yeah but she had like 5 years more relship and secs experience than me!

but THATS AS A WOMAN! WOMEN dont do any ACTUAL WORK or EFFORT or TRYING in relships! they dont learn any actual SKILLS like communication, empathy, sympathy, kindness, compassion, love, etc hahahahaha.

they can have 10 years of relship experience and still be CHILDREN!!!

anyway. interview tomorrow. another humiliation hahaha. no really MOST of the people ive talked to have been NICE.

but yeah i am ashamed i didnt do better. i really shat the bed. she kinda shat the bed too, but that much is on her. but I shat the bed too and I am ashamed of it and never want to make the same mistake again.

i dont think not shitting the bed would have made her Luv me…..but it prob would have saved some pain and butthurt from The End.

Shit just hire a shrink EVERY DAMN TIME you want to End A Rel. because you are gonna be so emotionally compromised you’ll fook it up every damn time. so just pay a shirnk 50 bucks to do it for you.

i just wish i had not been such a weak, pathetic, stupid bitch. i wish i could look back and say i was proud of how i acted. that i handled this like a grown, honorable, respectable, mature white man. and that i didnt act like a little girl.

i mean i wasnt Abusive or Creepy so I guess that is good, but I was pushy and needy and immature like a little girl. not my finest hour hahaha.

shaved face with actual razor today instead of electric shaver, its an interesting alternative and prob a closer shave.

oh well. im going to interviews. IM TRYING. IM TRYING. IM MAKING AN EFFORT hahahahaha. im not just sitting here like a lazy negro. i have done 486 applications and 27 interviews. and still cant get a 24k job with health care hahahaha.

i dunno. it just chaps my ass that 25 year old women arent mature enough to do work in a relationship and communication, but they ARE mature enough to get masters degrees and make 60k a year, and i am not mature enough to hold down a 30k a year job without Flaming Out and Breaking Down under the pressure.

really grinds my gears hahahaha.

this IT Ninja I am interviewing with has been working 20 years in IT, much of it higher level / management, but didnt finish his bachelors degree until he was successful in his career, in something COMPLETELY unrelated and useless. I mean he is the type they make MBA In IT Degrees for so he can be a good CIO.

but he probably makes too much money to want to do that, he can always get good paying work, he knows he’s got Valuable Skills. i bet he’s married as fook hahaahahahaha. i mean he’s been very gainfully employed for the past TWENTY YEARS and sounds like a charismatic, can-do guy, judging by the 10 diff recommendations from people on his linkedin. ideally i would do this, but i cant really. get linkedin recs i mean.

anyway i have to drive past HER workplace in order to get to interview/workplace tomorrow. and what if she were outside the office smoking a cig or something. well she probably quit smoking cigs, like a responsible successful person.

i should stop attacking her, because she is broken hearted that she lost a Dear Friend, ie Me! it HURTS to lose a friend!

hehehehe tell me about it. hey i lost a friend too.

oh so youre hurting? not my problem. go to a shrink. hehehehehehe.

i also hate reddit for assuming that 25 year old women are not mature enough to be responsible for their decisions and lives. and for being against getting married young and having children young. and that you are only mature once you hit 30.

yeah well this may be the case with a lot of people, but my god they are REALLY against people getting married before like age 25 at the absolutely earliest. especiall for women. men dont really matter. but women need to get all that EXPERIENCE and have all those ADVENTURES and make all those MISTAKES.  youre only ready to marry once youre 30 and have taken 30 cox.

heh. watching a ridic old sherlock holmes episode and its the guy from raiders of the lost ark, the nervous creepy nazi “toht”. wearing a ridiculous wig. is that the same guy? kinda looks like him.  i have never seen him in anything else.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2043454/?ref_=nm_flmg_act_16

yes its the same guy, ronald lacey.

ANYWAY. he died in 1991 of CANCER.  and had to use a colostomy bag since he was like 20 years old. well he still managed to have at least two children.

yeah thats the thing. its a REAL MIXED BAG, age 25 is, for women. some are mature, some are not. but i think they should be more mature than immature. i mean yeah I was immature then, and now, but I SHOULDNT HAVE BEEN. Thats WAY too old to be immature.

yeah well i had never done this before, never had this experience, never fell in luv with a friend, i didnt think i ever would. so i guess that thing wasnt INGRAINED in me by age 25! like i think everything is INGRAINED by age 25. you can still do plnety of learning and changing after that. thank god.

so….you can get a shady doctor to sign a MMJ rec, BUT the state licensing agency doesnt need to APPROVE it and send you your state approved card! actually the state DENIES about 20% of the applications they get every year! but why?????? do some doctors have a reputation as shoddy? probably. under investigation by LE? probably.

but dont they just raid the dispensaries? do they really care about doctors? ive only heard ONE news story in the past 5 years or so about a doctor getting charged with MJ card fraud.

OR should i complain about Severe Pain next time i see my regular doc, THEN get recrods printed, take those to MMJ doctor?

should i be trying to Scam The System like this? doesnt that LOOK BAD for MMJ in general, and also for Legal MJ in general?

hey just charge 100% tax and legalize it! legalize, tax, and regulate it, oh great state hahahahaha.

i mean honestly its a great safety net. i could have the Worst Day At Work of Angry Customers Demanding Explanations, and it would be easier to take knowing I had some MJ waiting at home for me!

i honestly LUV it the way i luv a waifu. it is one of the best REWARDS for me. like giving a dog a treat or giving a kid candy/ice cream. or give the normie his cuddly gf. give me some mj.

i also wish i hadnt overdone the drinking, so that i could go out with normies drinking, as a way to Team Build. you will have an easier time at Work if you go out drinking with your Team, otherwise you look like the Office Weirdo, and they are gonna try to Force You Out and Bullycide you hahahahaha.

if they REALLY have me talk to the CEO of a 300 person, 30 million a year company, i am gonna write 6000000 words on it hahahaha.

when you start a rel, start a FUND and put 50$ in it, so you can pay a shrink to facilitate the breakup. PREPAY for your inevitable breakup hahahaha. shit ill pay for it, just like a man paying for dinner. it’s well worth the 50$ to me. maybe even 100$. two sessions.

 

she makes 100k, he makes 35k, they are both 28 yo hahahahahahaha. look at this fookin normie making 35k at age 28 hahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!

what about men who get divorced at age 30, then dont date again till they are 45, and find that all the 30-45 women are HORRRRRRRRIBLE. all the ego of a 25 year old but none of the hotness to back it up. also more kids, more cox, more exes, more crazy. i dont want to date 35 year olds! except maybe for casual secs. but you cant have a FAMILY with 35 year old women!

i just worry i will never get that close to THAT high quality of a woman again and will always have to settle for LESS.

 

heres some great drama. I dont think he should GHOST her thought. just be like wow im really shocked you had an abortion, i dont think i can marry a baby murderer, or, maybe i can, lets talk about this.

i mean yeah i would be shocked too. but its probably better than cheating. maybe. its still pretty damn bad. i am very anti abortion, more than averaege.

also this woman is super retarded because she refuses to believe she was being dishonest. does not understand the concept of dishonesty by omission.

hmm maybe thats what i did to HER. lying by omission. i wasnt telling her about this big important thing.

well it all comes back to “I was PLANNING on telling her when we HUNG OUT because thats a BIG CONVERSATION that you cant have via text, needs to be done IN PERSON.”

which is true, BUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTt

what i LEARNED was,

when they keep AVOIDING you for X months,

then YES, you DO tell them the big thing via text, because your rel is pretty much OVER anyway.

oct 24

posted a response on despair forums for the first time in months, felt like interacting with someone hhehe. a man suffering after a bad breakup, where she blamed him, said its all your fault, and blocked him for being smothering, when he wasnt. that has got to be hard to hear. i imean THAT WOMAN never accused me of being smothering, but i knew she was thinking it, and i know i can be, and i have tried NOT to be.

had interview with the healthcare place today, went ok, was nervous, always nervous, anticipating crucifixion. i asked whos this “billy” guy, is the CEO really gonna be here, and they said yeah he likes to sit in on a lot of interviews, but he had to go to a last minute business lunch, sorry he couldnt be here. I said thats fine, i am always happy to come in and talk to him later, or on the phone. but yeah. that WAS the CEO. very hands on CEO. damn.

talked to it director, and there were 2 women in there as well. kind of a low pressure interview. there was an 8 minute wonderlic Intelligence Test before everything started. i only got through 20 questions. sheeeeeeit.

i forgot to ask how many people were interviewing. i did ask about salary and did not say another place was muh number 1. i demonstrated knowledge of the company and said welp i dont have tons of working experience with SQL and C++ but I coursework in them and got all A’s. i like to take initiative to teach myself the things i need to know. i use google, do due diligence, and ask intelligent questions.

i said WELP i looked at glasdoor, says 35k is the average, but i’m looking to come in well below average because i am entry level, i made X at previous job, and i am looking for 14 to 16 here, but very flexible. i want to be in your ballpark. they talked about how great the benefits were and how there are 19 paid days off a year.

i mean it looks pretty good. would not mind getting this job. this one is prob the new number 1 anyway. close to home, 15 an hour, benefits, M-F days, growing company, award winning workplace.

also i went in there and saw that a woman i used to work with at the Living Hell Previous Job was there. she was always super nice and I was nice to her and helped her when she was new. and she appreciated my help. although I think I shocked her once with my filthy mouth, hahahaahaha. but i think she forgot about that. anyway she seemed happy to see me and i was nice to her today. also sent her an invite on linkedin today while everything was fresh. she was/is a nice sweet person and thats all that matters to me. also she was a smart good worker and deserved a better job. so nice to see she got a job here. i am sure it is at least a little better than where we were.

anyway ideally she can say oh yeah he’s great, he’s super nice AND super smart. i mean i had a good repoire with her and liked helping her. i mean i liked helping people in general and our people needed a LOT of help because they were constantly being THROWN TO THE LIONS, not just the wolves, but the goddamn LIONS, they needed a lot of help, and there was not enough of a supply of help. so i took up the cross and helped people off the clock quite a bit.

anyway maybe thats a SIGN FROM GOD that THIS IS THE ONE, that this nice woman works there.

or maybe its just the 27th rejection hahahahaha. life goes on, time marches on.

way to email me paypal and amazon letting me know my password has been stolen and that i should change it hahahaha.

anyway. yeah i would totally take this job. its close and doesnt seem too bad. i could be somewhat proud of working there. there might be some help desk work but as long as its less than 4 hours of inbound calls a day, that would be ok.

i drove by the place where i heard That Woman was working. i said IM NOT GONNA LOOK AT IT but i failed in that and instead blatantly Rubbernecked at the parking lot looking for her car. I didnt see it but there were a lot of cars and i was going 40 mph. i swore that if i drove by again after the interview i would not look at the building or parking lot. that i would physically block it with my hand.

instead i just took another road to go home.

if i get this job i am willing to do whatever it takes to not look at that building or parking lot hahahaha.

i cant believe the CEO is so HANDSY that he likes to do so many interviews. he has a phd in engin from cambridge. did he publish any papers? how much money did he make as an Executive Business Consultant, and then as CEO of a health care company? how fookin rich is he? is he british? probably. why would he come from UK to here? I would rather be born in the UK hahahahahahaha well maybe. things are shitty over there too. but you are closer to Yurop and the Home of the White Race. i dunno. i just dont trust people who leave their whole FAMILY an OCEAN away unless they are nonwhite immigrants coming from the third world to the first world.

also i guess he is very hands on in the technical projects. GREAT. i mean you are like 70 years old man. go traveling. visit your family. youve made MILLIONS of dollars. the man is a MULTIMILLIONAIRE and I have to talk to HIM for a 15 dollar an hour job hahahahaha.

well they didnt say. i know youre SUPPOSED to get them to say a number first. im honestly too desperate for that, plus I already had a range in mind: 14 to 16. let them know i looked at glassdoor. maybe they’ll reject me because i looked too desperate because i said a number first hahahahaha.

they responded yes that range is in the ballpark.

i asked them about Growth in the company. they said they were growing SO MUCH they plan to DOUBLE within 3 years. they are growing so fast they can barely keep up. INTERESTING.

sent thank you email hours ago. damn.

interview tomorrow for Bank job, in Records. Bank Records. 12.50 an hour. this company is also a Best Workplace To Work. I should just apply to places on those list. as determined by large local paper. anyway. I semi respect this bank as a good employer and would be happy to take their job too. their hr person impressed me by contacting me about this job, after i was rejected for the tech job at this bank. i mean that was just good guy greg stuff. i usually hate women, HR, and companies, but she really impressed me here. i mean she didnt have to call ME. she coulda called any of the other 1000000000000000 people that had applied for that job in the past day, when i had applied like 8 months ago.  it shows they actually LOOK at those old applications and dont just throw them in the memory hole. the whole company seems above board and ethical and not run by sneaky semites.

and then on wed i have the final interview of week. not gonna get a ton of sleep before that one. early in the morning. part time job. but it pays more per hour than the FT job tomorrow. but that FT has decent, ok, average benefits.

WHEN YOU’VE BEEN DOWN AS LONG AS ME, MEDIOCRE LOOKS PRETTY DAMN GOOD!!!

like honestly a 12 dollar an hour FT job with benefits is nothin special, which all 21 year old college grads should aim for, not a 35 year old man!

i mean how can you raise a family on that? how can you attract a wife with that?

you mean youre 35 and havent found a wife and started a family yet? hahahahaha.

BABY STEPS.

get this job, then go out with slutz from okcupid hahahaha and try to find a wife.

reddit thinks that you shouldnt date men who even use the WORD “SLUTS”. at age 26 you should be more mature!

hehehe what about if you are 35 hahahahahahhahahahha

no i call women SLUTS every day. it simply means you are too promiscuous, your number is too high, you dont have enough REVERENCE for the secs act and who you do it with.

its a nihilistic culture of death. you dont have enough respect for life. at BEST, you are DANGEROUSLY immature. thats what SLUT is shorthand for. someone i only want to use for short term pleasure. never more.

sheeeeit i mean i dunno. i pretty much HAVE to go to some stupid website if i want to meet new women. whether its a WIFE, or its a short term Meat Hole hahahahahaha. a Slut.  ok how about i LOOK for a good wife type woman, then if i meet her and she turns out to be a slut, then uhhhhh let her do what sluts do, and forget about marrying her hehehe.

i just yeah. i shouldnt hate how women can be immature and get a man, but men have to be mature to get a woman. because thats just natural. thats how god made us. uterus power. but plenty of immature men get women too. you dont need to be mature, you just need to be MANLY.

 

look at this nice young man. he wants to dump his GF, but he knows she’ll be devastated, so he wants to let her down as easily as possible. he doesnt hate her, and really doesnt want to add insult to injury. or add injury to injury hahahahahaha. so he asks for advice how how to dump as gently as possible. what a nice young man!

hey i CAME CLOSE to having a real rel with a woman. technically I HAVE had actual real rels with women. just nothing that involved mating. then it was a clusterfook. they only wanted negros and men who acted like negros to fook them hahahahhaa no thats a lie. woman2012 didnt want negros. That Woman didnt ALWAYS and ONLY want negros.

basically dump someone the way you would want to be dumped. be nice……but dont be so nice that you give them false hope that its not really over. be as nice as you can in stating that it’s for sure over.

yeah this is a hard thing to talk about.  i guess i can’t blame anybody for being bad at it! let alone a cowardly little woman! shit i prob wouldnt have the balls to do it!

or when other women dumped me, they tried to be nice about it, and that led to me not fully understanding, thinking i could get them to change their mind, talk them out of it. so yeah its hard to be nice but also be VERY FIRM.

so spend 50 bucks to have a shrink do it. totally worth it. they can get the message across in a firm way with NO ambiguity. i will do this every time i have to dump someone hahahaha. or if i think a woman wants to dump me, i will hire the shrink FOR her to dump me.

this is a GREAT fookin idea. why doesnt EVERYONE do this? shrinks are everywhere, even the middle of nowhere. i mean they are nothing but MSW social workers, and these are a dime a dozen.

heh. i wonder if wimmin who have MSW degrees are better at dumping their boifrans. or better communicators. or more mature. or better Conflict Revolvers. I wonder!

or do you have to be a LICENSED or CLINICAL social worker.

 

THE TIME HAS COME WHERE I/YOU NEED TO MEET NEW WOMEN

for sat april 15

now: sept 6 2016

sept 7 2016

sheeeeeeeeeeeeeit.

yeah i have been physically not too great, mentally/emo not too great either since coming back from muh “vacation.” hehehehe. when I got back I promptly went to bed for 16 hours. the next day I was still tired and had aches and pains all over the body. i had done some lifting and carrying of stuff but it really didnt seem bad enough to produce such soreness!

also had annoying borderline water faucet colon which i usually only get in the morning after drinking a lot of coffee too fast, but here it lasted all day and that was very annoying. couldnt even enjoy a nice powerwalk without thinking im gonna shart muh pants.

have been getting sharper “carpal tunnel” pains lately. this has been going on for at least a year but the last couple days its been more noticeable. it is honestly probably enough to get me a medical MJ recommendation for “chronic pain”!!!!! not even joking.

was taking pepto bismol which usually helps with the watery #2’s, but didnt seem to help much yesterday. at the end of the day was very tired. not just low energy, but darn exhausted, even though i hadn’t done anything. slept pretty well again but could have slept longer if i hadnt forced self.

yassss got new shoes from zappos, they seem to fit well. i mean my current shoes are just terrible. they are SO worn down, but really all on one side, so the shoes are very lopsided and diagonal and that cant be good for the foot.  i mean i should have upgraded these shoes months ago. i hope i havent done permanent damage hahahaha. basically i am an overpronator and the outside of the shoe gets worn down much much much more.

but yeah i just felt like i was 80 years old hahahaha.

THANK GOD for the new shoes though. this is my typical thing though. wait way too long to replace stuff that should be replaced. or get haircut. or clothes.

honestly cant stop pooping. this is ridiculous.

new shoes feel gr8! that is awesome. very good. THANK GOD. because this is a privilege most people dont have. buying new shoes when they need them.

yeah so i wore the shoes and took a 3.2 mile walk and the shoes were great.

388 days since i sent her the last contact. i figure 400 days is a nice round number. nicer than 365. but a YEAR is a nice round period of time. why arent years 400 days hahahaha.

422 days since i last talked to her, abotu 419 days since i last SAW her.

theres a thought that I should address Muh Egregious Red Flag Employment Gap in muh cover letter. I am open to doing this.

fdfdfgfg

hg

hgh

ghghghgh

ok. gave this one a try because i liked the cover art hahahaha. wanted to see how the production and songwriting compares to “ashes against the grain.” there seems to be more blasting in a blatant black metal style on Marrow of the spirit, so, I like that. now the SOUND on MOTS is really interesting. I think I like it, it’s definitely provocative so yeah that’s good. the drums sound a little weird and the guitars sound very “warm” and fuzzy. the whole thing sounds rawer and more underproduced than I was expecting, not in a bad way of course.

it sounds like they intentionally tried to make their sound more “raw” or “live” or “organic”, and in theory, I am always in support of this.

heh. finally applied for job. 30k county job. i prefer to apply for the 26k county jobs, but i have gotten interviewed for a 42k county job!

i want to work for you because you have a MF day shift, weekends off, no overtime, 37.5 hour work week, and bennies. so its a good fit for me because i dont handle stress or pressure well hahahahahaha. or customers. thats why i have to be high on xanax all day at work hahahahahaha.

no obviously i don’t actually often USE benzos. i brought 3 valiums with me to our little vacation, and i completely FORGOT about them. sheeeeit. they may have come in handy when i was freaking out because of the MJ! which is the entire reason I brought the valium!!!!!

i am very close to the cusp of focusing hardcore on temp/staffing agencies. recruiters for temp jobs.

because the only people that will “take a chance” on such a RISKY person as me, are the absolutely bottom of the barrel shittiest jobs that will hire ANYONE……or MAYBE jobs where the job contract is limited. temporary. finite. temp. if the person sucks, they will be gone soon.

also if i go a week without an interview, the confidence def goes down. as you get 2 or 3 rejection emails a day hahahaha.

heh. if i got rejected by WOMEN like this, I would have even less confidence hahahaha.

or maybe i just wouldnt care and would bullshit the things i am supposed to bullshit to get women to spread for muh dick hahahahahaha. maybe it would actually be EASIER.

yeah that sounds woman hating, but You Women really DO give it up to easily and don’t have the appropriate RESPECT for SECS, like your biological role in secs. I dont NEED to have as much respect for secs, because men just dump sperm. the costs and risks and responsibilities are much higher for women. RESPECT that.

ok forced my way thru 2 applications. again i am getting discouraged here so i am not applying to “reach” stuff with muh dream orgs unless they are fairly low paying…..and of course these jobs skew towards high paying.

unbelievable. company sending a pdf for me to complete…..but its not an editable pdf. they literally want me to print it out, fill it out by hand, then scan it, then send THAT pdf back. this is a fairly big company where that shit is blatantly embarrassing.

so instead I am converting the pdf to a jpg and trying to edit it in paint. not working so well. with the text boxes and shit.

this is truly a very good album!

it took me basically the whole album just to fill out that shit. using pixlr to add text boxes, rasterize, and draw little circles. unbelievable. they are looking for skills in VISIO and PROJECT which i technically have hahaha yet their goddam Talent Acquisition Team can’t make a pdf editable. absolutely disgraceful. See, I would volunteer my personal time after work to make the pdf editable so they wouldnt have to pay me for that work.

plus i get to show extreme ingenuity and cleverness and problem solving with this pdf to jpg, pixlr, jpg to pdf nonsense, hahahaha. sending them back a pdf that was 8 times larger in size than the one they sent me hahahaha.

because they couldnt do any of this with plain text, saying, answer all of these questions in your reply email. nooooooo that would be too easy.

or god forbid have something in the taleo applicant tracking system THEY ALREADY HAVE AND USE.

but yeah. then they wanted me to explain in the REPLY EMAIL any Gaps in the past 7 years, and also all Reasons For Separation in the past 7 years. I guess I should be glad they didnt ask for 20 years!

but this implies they are gonna read the email……so why demand the shitty, shitty pdf as well?

just to make shit more difficult and weed out the weak.

so I will be PISSED if this doesnt result in an interview.

i added an extra 20 minutes to the spreadsheet for the amount of time it took to apply for this job.

thinking SEARS might be a better place than jcpenneys for me hahahaha.

just looking for t-shirts that have like STRIPES or patterns or some shit, that is not a damn “graphic tee.”

something that is more interesting than just a solid color t shirt, which is what i usually wear, but that is kinda boring!

interesting. what gets me most worked about That Woman is not really thoughts of her spending time and being nice to other men, and loving them and cuddling with them, but really the more x rated stuff, like her sucking dick, fooking her, her sitting on their face and them licking her asshole, hahahahahahahaha. banging her from behind, banging her from the front, tongue in the mouth, her sighing and breathing heavy and getting juice all over. that real porno stuff, which isnt even all porno stuff, but actual real life secs stuff. that is what gets me angery.

that is the sort of stuff that gets me all hot and bothered!

anyway of course i should not be thinking about it at all.

but yeah i have no interest in other women. occasionally i will see a young qt i want to bang but not super often. and i would STILL want to bang HER moar!!!!!!

stupid shit really.

basically i cant ever imagine WANTING another woman as much as her, and also that i will never STOP wanting her!

i mean yeah it has gotten better. and yeah i DID eventually stop wanting those other women. it just took like 2 years hahahaha. and it hasnt been 2 years with this woman yet.

just no interest in women other than to maybe opportunistically bang unmarriageable sluts. great. and never fully exorcise the memory of HER. because I always got along with HER best, we had the most special best connection.

yeah well if it was so good, how come she couldnt even send me a damn text message and just say awwwww im sorry ok now im blocking you sorry.

or have her family or our mutual friend send that message to me for her.

but yeah that connection! even if it was just for me. how am I ever gonna feel that way about someone else ever again? and that is what I WANT to feel for muh wife, the mother of muh children!

yeah it def was the worst heartbreak.

the OBVIOUS ANSWER to how do i forget about HER is……….MEET NEW WOMEN!!!!!!!!!! THE TIME HAS COME where I NEED to MEET NEW WOMEN!!!!!!!!

of coursh I have never ever really liked meeting new people. it is not fun. men or women.

some people, normies and chads, actually LIKE meeting new people and think its FUN.

i have no interest in meeting people unless its a young woman and they are qt and seem NICE.

how hard is it to be nice? not very, but many people seem to think so.

hearing about this guys GF who is like 19 years old and NOBODY likes her. she has “no personality”.

i thought, so what if she has “no personality,” That Woman didn’t have much of a personality, usually if a woman has a strong personality, that means she’s bitchy and obnoxious. no thank you. just have a not-strong personality and be nice. be pleasant. i’m thinking this young girl is both no personality AND not really nice or pleasant either. jeeeez. how unpleasant do you have to be as a 19 year old gurl to have nobody like you??!?!?!?! also I have heard she is not terribly good looking either.

meanwhile i found, once upon a time, a nice, qt, woman that everybody liked because she was NICE and had a GOOD personality.

with men its harder. you have to have an ACTUAL personality, and NOT Just Be Nice. i guess I cant be mad about that, thats just nature.

https://bu.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/51tj9x/me_23_m_with_my_ex_girlfriend_22_f_for_about_2/

dramatic breakup story, he cant get over ex, who blocked him, but they had their problems, also she talked to him a lot more and prob would have been willing to give him some closure

spet 9

well i have learned from /r/relships/ that women indeed have some agency and are not to be regarded as total BABIES.

(every single attractive young woman on linkedin is a GOD DAMN RECRUITER.)

anyway, not to get off on a tangent, basically, the leftist scum of reddit insists that women are not powerless infants and indeed they DO have some responsibilities. well of COURSE they would think that tho! they like powerful independent wimmin!

but yeah you hear stories where women actually do stuff, put in an effort, or in some cases, stalk the guy, or get needy or clingy, texting the guy, getting jealous, getting heartbroken. i guess its nice to know that women are CAPABLE of this!

or just basically that they are willing to talk to you when they are dumping you and to say sorry and to be conscious that them dumping you is gonna hurt you and they are making some token effort to mitigate some of that hurt!

also the idea that the solution is pretty obvious (dump that b and run away!!!!) and the Bad Guy is pretty obvious.

i just hate being the Bad Guy because I couldnt understand Space.

but i dont think it was that simple either. i think any mature person would say SPACE ISNT AN EXCUSE TO AVOID DEALING WITH THE SITUATION. SPACE ISNT AN EXCUSE TO NEVER COMMUNICATE.

i think i already made that a post title. or something very close to it hahahaha.

so basically when a woman has secs quickly, she is saying “MY VALUES ARE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THAN YOURS.”  so maybe its a stage. but why should the stage be like 10 years long or 15 years or whatever? thats a pretty long stage. too long for me.

ok applied for us army job. they have a big facility which employs a lot of people in the area with damn good 35k jobs like this one.

an open relationship will NEVER work if BOTH people dont agree about wanting it. period. it HAS to be completely mutual and UNANIMOUS.

of course at least 80% of Breakups are not unanimous, but they dont need to be. it would be nice if they were!

SHOW ME I MEANT ANYTHING TO YOU!!!!!

welp at 399 jobs now, should prob make the big 400th a good one. i think we decided not too long ago to make 500 the new goal.

i mean i have a hard time with jobs. bullshitting my way and figuring out what to do in tough confusing situations. figuring out how to do and handle my job. figuring out how to fix problems and what to say to frustrated customers who are counting on me to fix their problem…….and i really dont know what im doing. i feel incompetent because I AM incompetent and its inherently stressful to try to serve people when you ARE incompetent. because you ABSOLUTELY do not feel free to make mistakes or fail, because someone is basically gonna insult your intelligence.

in school it was ok to make mistakes, because only your grade suffered, and only a little bit, and you could always ask questions without being bitched at and treated like someone who should be fired.

how did that woman do it? oh yeah she just went with the flow. great advice, you horrible person hahahahahaha.

fookin captain obvious. fookin captain obviously easier said than done. jeeeeeez.

also reading /r/rels you see how FLAKY women are. they will just give up on you for the stupidest shittiest reasons and there is nothing you can do about it. because you have to respect their wishes that they dont care about you any more and dont want to do anything to work on things.

where do you go for nondegenerate dating advice? actually /r/rels is pretty good…..BUT they are degen on things like open rels, or being a SLUT. i guess I am just happy that they view Cheating as a Bad Thing. but yeah they dont view having a Super Promiscuous Slut Past as being a bad thing. when it totally is.

and i dont want to go to a christian thing, again. because I want YOU to understand why being a slut is wrong, not just because of muh good book or muh jeebus. which are all great things mind you, but it honestly seems………MORALLY LAZY!!!!!! to have muh jeebus be your answer to all moral questions.

but i dont like atheists. but do i like a devout blind faith type person better than an atheist? probably.

ideal would be a person like me: someone who wants to have faith but is just filled with tons of doubt.

and a woman who just thinks casual sex is GROSS or SLUTTY, and SLUTTY is BAD. I dont wanna be an icky gross SLUT. SLUTS ARE GROSS, she says. I would never want to be gross like that.

and she said that! she had an appropriate sense of DISGUST and DISDAIN 4 SLUTS!!!!

if i even have to mansplain it…….that stuffing a guys dick in your mouf and babymaker, who you dont even know this guy, you just met him a few days ago…if i have to mansplain why that is disgusting, then you are too far gone.

and 90% of women are too far gone hahahahahaha.

might have a little nyquil today, go for walk after, go to bed early.

called this auto service place for recall notice and actually got scheduled to get that fixed. so that was an accomplishment hahaha.

heh. you know how some people “break up” but theyre not really “borken up” because they are still hanging out, fooking, texting hahahaha. sometimes even the gurl initiates, decides she doesnt want to be totally done with the guy, and presents herself to be fooked. can’t say that happened to me hahahaha.

basically, if she had ANY desire to talk to me……..SHE WOULD HAVE.

WOMEN ARE ACTUALLY CAPABLE OF DOING THINGS, the reddit has taught me.

but its easy to think they aren’t, when you have a case where the woman does ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. you think, are ALL women like that? I HOPE not all women are like that!!!!!!!! but i dont know enough women to tell. so then its GOOD to read these stories and anecdotes.

AYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I have just gone from a floundering seal to a baby seal on SwC poker hahahahaha. this is a YUGE deal, its taken me like 2 years to get to this point.

 

 

 

THE PAST IS REAL

0125

somebody on TRS recommended this metal band, atlantean kodex, a 2013 album. i dont have much energy to listen to new music unless it comes from a reputable recommender which i would count the TRSwaggots as. people generally cmpare it to candlemass, bathory, and epic power metal. they said it was somewhat nationalistic but not sure about that, but they seem to not be ashamed of there bavarian heritage, so thats good, and the lyrics might be larpagan stuff that generally relates to europe, so i think thats what they meant. they arent outright 1488 in other words, and leftist journalists like pitchfork have no problem with them, so.

but yeah it sounds pretty good! great production, long epic songs, soaring vocals, very majestic. i like epic metal and i think it is a decent goal to take epic doom like candlemass and mix it up into an even more epic thing of 10 minute songs.

was also looking for good racially oriented bands. stahlgewitter seems pretty “based” with intimidating tough guy vocals, but they are in german, which adds to the toughguy, BUT i kinda want to know what they are saying. apparently they arent SO 1488 that they are outlawed by the Cucked German ZOG, but i guess its fairly well known they are racially aware and pro-white.

BASICALLY i am looking for something that is upbeat and high energy like vapaudenristi, with good production and drums, somewhat roaring/tough vocals, somewhat melodic, with good lyrics that inspire true nationalist and racial pride without being corny or silly, and in english.

i listened to some skrewdriver but i am autismal about the production. i will have to take some more time and effort with skrewdriver of course.

anyway you have to get good at Cognitive Judo to Karate Chop the BARRAGE of negative thoughts and impaired judgments coming at you all the time. like a damn video game sending out enemy after enemy to get you.

i hate that feeling that i am not entitled to kindness or sympathy just because this was all in my damn head.

the proper response to that is, she could have treated me with the golden rule and made some effort to be kind.

and also noone is entitled to anything sure, but thats a useless argument, you should adopt the REASONABLE EXPECTATION argument instead. if someone was once your friend and not some random stranger, you have a reasonable xpectation to Golden Rule Kindness from them towards you.

QUOTE from TRS forum thread on autistic ridic ASMR vidyas, which is kinda like “emotional porn” of QT gurls whispering to simulate the tingly feel of at QT gurl whispering in your ear, if you have ever experienced that, which if you dont get that on the reg, it gets you all tingly and excited:

Natalie Szőke about 15 hours ago
I’m pretty sure people who haven’t experienced being close to someone has a much more sensitive response to this kind of thing, so that would explain why autists are such a large percentage of who enjoys it. Kind of how people are more ticklish before experiencing a lot of close interaction.

I’ve felt it before but only once or twice, and never from one of these videos, otherwise I probably wouldn’t believe it was even real.

END QUOTE

good point natalie but check your closeness cuddle privilege hahahaha some of us virgins dont get our cuddle on regularly at all. also i have a finely tuned radar for Young Women on this forum, esp young unmarried women, of which there are maybe 1 or 2 hahahaha. either way i am too old and pathetic for a gurl like natalie hahahaha.

so yeah i think its shitty that these autist bitches do that to poor pathetic neet autist virgins. cant they seek their attention elsewhere. or do they sadistically delight in vampiring off the hope and luv of THE most pathetic hopeless men in existence?

but is that just me being woman hating again. to hate attention whoring asmr sluts who get tingles off neet virgins getting tingles of them whispering in their ears.

or is it just me getting butthurt from a 21 year old traditional marriageable woman rightfully saying people like me are Not Very Experienced and Would get off to Mere Youtube Whispering?

well i dont watch the shit. but i was a big fan of cuddling and touching and tickling and whispering when i did it once 10 years ago hahahaha.

someone on the forum  (OneEye, I generally approve of him!) says ” Women can detect fakery and bullshit much better than men can, it’s built into them biologically”. how true is this? cuz i thought women were generally much more gullible and foolable and easily led than men. so much so that women themselves become huge fakes because they dont have a strong sense of self, of who they actually are, they are always “going with the flow” so much. BUT its normal and good to pick a strong horse over a weak horse innit? well not if the strong horse is not the white horse hahahaha.

heh. i was watching lisa ling cnn do a think on “mystery land” in new york, a huge electronic festival, and i reflected how my own state had a big festival like that, and i can only imagine it as a huge degenerate thing of drugs and promiscuous secs, although with probably a “good” number of young and attractive women. i mean big summer music festivals are really not a new thing. but a bunch of 20 year old gurls on “molly” looking to get fooked by strangers sounds really sad and degenerate. the idea did not titillate me that much. i much preferred the idea of cuddling on the couch with That Woman, no novelty, no variety, just monogamy and cuddling and austistic ASMR hahahaha was more exciting than all the drugs and buffet of young white pvssy. i just wanted on nice young pvssy attached to a nice decent white woman and she could tickle me and me tickle her and whisper in my ear and cuddle me and just give me a fooking fair chance and not crash the plane with no survivors hahahaha. give me a chance, dont give up on me because i wasnt perfect.

so if a gurl goes to a multi day music festival with camping, uhhhhhh not a good sign. how many guys does the average gurl add to Her Number at these things?

no way would i let my daughter go to such a thing!

but then wouldnt my daughter REBEL against me, thus i would GUARANTEE her being an even BIGGER slut, by me using strict anti slut defense measures as a father????!?!?!?!?!

ANYWAY my POINT was, when somebodies talking about entitlement, just tune them out. technically no one is entitled to anything. but when you enter into a friendship, there is a SOCIAL CONTRACT of RESPONSIBILITIES implied there: that both people will try not to be shitty to each other.

so she thought i was being shitty to her, therefore she was gonna be super shitty to me.

but i wasnt REALLY being shitty! i was being a TINY bit shitty, like i say, -1, but she was being at LEAST -20 if not -50!!!!! have a SENSE OF PROPORTION!!!!!!!!!!!

basically the idea that she had NO responsibility to me, because my luv was one sided, therefore she had no responsibility to not throw me away like a piece of garbage.

WRONG!!!!!

she had the responsibility to take our whole damn history into account and to try to see the best of me rather than the worst of me, espcially since it was not an abusive relationship. im not even sure it was a toxic relationship. it was definitely getting there. it was more of a ROUGH PATCH that had it continued longer might have developed into a toxic rel. well, the rough patch went on for like 7 months. so yeah the whole rel was becoming toxic. but not abusive. mainly a complete communication breakdown.

ive repeated allt hsi for months. but you see how the negative thoughts barrage me constantly like bad guys in a vidya gaym. and i have to K them All.  stuff like i was to blame, i was the bad guy, i betrayed her, i abused her, i was weak, its my fault she hates me, i betrayed her, i made a big mistake, she wouldnt treat me like this if i didnt do something horribly wrong, i was a weak loser and thats why she rejected me, she was my last chance, i will never meet a woman this good that i had such a real connection with, that was the end, this is the end of my life, my life is over, see the thoughts just keep coming and coming.

yeah i was a little weak, but if she were committed to the rel, she would have tried too. she wasnt committed or invested AT ALL, therefore she didnt TRY AT ALL or lift a damn finger or make a damn effort to do the right thing.

she could have tried! she could have done SOME work! she could have made SOME effort!

its a common complaint that “it feels like im doing all the work”.

i hate it when bitches say, well just adjust your expectations and perception then. be happy then. be happy and satisfied with a cold person who is drifting away from you and treating you like shit and you clearly love them 100000000000 times more than you love them.

fook that. thats still one sided as fook. last time i checked rels take 2 people. and i believe white women still have SOME agency. they are not Retarded Children the way the pick up artists, mgtows, and women haters, and virgins, and me would have you believe hahahaha. oh god i hope all women are not retarded children are they?

no some are mature and decent, like woman2012.

bbbbbut woman2015 did show maturity and agency with other men! I just couldnt get her to show that with me!

well because there SHE was getting dumped and SHE was desperate remember. she was so desperate shed have a talk with the men about feeelings.

but when SHE has to dump a guy, her usual method is to ignore them entirely and hope they get the picture. i saw her do it to this one pathetic guy who was in luv with her. but i was way closer to her than HE was. WAY closer. and therefore i never thought she would do the same thing to me. it hurt me more than it hurt him. like i think they are still faceberg friends, she didnt BLOCK him, he didnt have a breakdown, even though he was kinda the type who would. he more or less just had a temporary crush on her.

i dunno why i feel like i have this jury of women judging me, saying: you brought this on yourself, you deserved this, you awful man. dont complain this hurts. you could have stahpped this. you caused this. YOU did this, not her. you made the choice here, to fook up the rel and to make her do this. yes you did betray her, yes you did deserve this. you reap what you sow. etc etc etc.

because maybe i feel Team Woman would always side with her and would always do the same thing to me…..which really Not All Women Would Act This Way.

0126

or the idea that i am so autistic, so unexperienced, that i will never understand women, and this is jsut one of those things that normie guys understand about women: “yeah its stupid, theyre like retarded children, but if you get feelings for them, they hate you like you are pond scum. just accept it and know thats the stupid way they think.” really???!?!?!?!

ive never been hated like this before! i dont like being hated! i dont like doing things that make people hate me!

i tried to think of when I hated a person like this before. the closest i came was an old roommate in 2001 and woman2005. and yeah it was silly for me to hate them that much. but that doesnt really compare. because with woman2005 i still wanted her, i wanted her back, i hated her for dumping me and then for giving me false hope we would get back together, and then hated her for the happiness she felt from other guys and how she liked other guys way more than she liked me.

but That Person, she hates me with a total contempt and disgust. she isnt jealous for me. she doesnt want something she cant have. i dont even hate individual people like this. i have no frame of reference. the closest thing is my racist hatred for fat, disgusting white mud sharks who defile their race by being fat degen white trash sluts who had mud babies with the worst blacks. and THATS how SHE feels about ME!!!!!

or how about just gross sluts in general, it doesnt have to be just mudshark sluts. but just some ridiculous slut who has been with 50 guys. you just feel disgust and contempt and dont want anything to do with the person.

bach cello suites. i tried to find a white performer hhahahahaha so this guy rostropovich

Polish-German-Lithuanian-Russian family

i know on wikipedia those terms mean nothing, but they usually say in the early life “a j00ish family” or down at the bottom “russian j00s” or something hahahahaha. nothign like that here. also he was friends with soltzenitsyn, so i think we are safe.

not that you cant enjoy a j00ish performer of BACH……i just prefer not to at this point in muh life. there are plenty of options on youtube ni99a.

always read the “EARLY LIFE” section on wikipedia hahaha. rostropovich was a student of shostokovich, who, though the latter was influenced by ((((mahler)))), is still ok. btw stravinsky does not echo. i couldnt remember. it is ((((schoenberg)))) and ((((webern)))) you want to avoid. technically philip ((((glass)))) as well but i have liked some of his stuff.

anyway.

i wasnt used to being hated, esp not for the wrong reasons! and me, the most hateful person in the world, had never hated someone like that before! i have no frame of reference for this!

and you dont like being remembered in a misunderstood wrong way! forever and ever she will remember me as a lower than dirt piece of shit who betrayed her. and thats wrong! i dont deserve to be remembered that way for the rest of her life!!!!! how can the people she knows condone that??!?!?! cant they advise her and say, ya know, youve got the wrong idea about him. because she either tells her own bullshit version of the story to them, or more likely, just tells them nothing at all.

but yeah i never hated a woman like that! except when i was jealously wanting to get back together with her! which is way different than this, where you hate them and want to never see them again, want nothign to do with them. that was more like how i hated my male roomate hahaha.

and i didnt feel betrayed by him, i was just like, yep i did misunderstand him, now i truly understand him, this guy is so fooked up and just so fookin weird. we used to have deep 18 year old teens talks about the meaning of life, and what it all meant maaaannnn, and he came to a hopeless, nihilistic, mgtow, completely atomized and lonely vision of life that i thought was horrifying, and he was completely ok with it. in hindsight he was probably just TROLLING me!!!!!! but rightfully i was horrified that someone should not feel despair over the horrible world he described!

but me and That Woman were very much on the same page re our worldview, and had developed a meaningful relationship with each other. its not like as i got to know her, i thought…..who is this person i thought i knew?

well now i do, after the end hahahaha.

yeah. i just hate being hated. also i just cant understand feeling BETRAYED. even when i hated a person i didnt really feel BETRAYED, as much as SOLD OUT. like, you never really cared about me.  you sold me out and just left me in the lurch.

its hard to get used to the fact that theres someone out there who was very important to you, and they have the wrong idea about you, and will never change it. you want to clear up the misunderstanding but cant.

i would honestly feel better if she didnt hate me! it sucks to have someone important to you just use a guillotine to end the rel, and then go on hating you in perpetuity.

but thats ON HER. if youre gonna hate someone because you feel they BETRAYED you because they got feelings….. thats an indicator of your own immaturity and stupidity frankly. thats not how a normal person views that situation. thats not even how I view that situation!

yeah it was a bad TIME for me to get those feelings. but i admitted that to her, and was willing to admit all the minor mistakes i made. she was not willing to admit any mistakes she made, for example big mistakes like ignoring me and throwing me away.

why would i want someone like that?

becuase she wasnt always like that! her default position to people was one of NICENESS, and i enjoyed that niceness immensely! there were really no red flags that she would treat anyone like this!

she sort of ignored the pathetic acquaintance who was in luv with her, but i didnt think she’d ignore me the same way because i was much closer friends with her.

she cut off the guy who cheated on her, but he cheated on her! he deserved no mercy! shit if some gurl i was in love with cheated on me, id be BEGGING HER to please stop cheating on me and please just get back together with me! when in fact shed probably just dump me altogether. That Woman showed emotional maturity by kicking a cheater to the curb, thats not a red flag, its a good thing!

if anything I would be emotionally immature by begging the cheater to please change, and please dont leave me, ill forgive your cheating 6000000 times, just dont leave me! and then they would leave me hahahaha.

so yeah there were some general yellow flags, but no red flags that she would do something like this to me. so the Red Flag Analysis does not help me process this. nothing helps me process this. it cannot be processed. ultimately, it doesnt really need to be processed. other than to say it was unprocessable, it was a horrible misunderstanding, she refused to listen or empathize or try at all, and i cant make her understand or try, so she will always hate me for a stupid reason.

i dont even KNOW that she does HATE me. maybe its total indifference. well now, 6000000 years later, im sure its indifference. i am just somebody she used to know long ago. and by the way what a piece of shit he was! but that is way in the past. doesnt matter.

well i believe you shouldnt live in the past, but you should appreciate how the past shapes your present and future. for example you just cant unfook all those coks you fooked, all those hearts you broke, all the people you sold out and screwed over. you have to truly repent and make amends and become a better person, or else you will rightfully be viewed with suspicion and distrust. the past is real. its important. its real important hahahaha. it matters.

thats why if a woman says OH THAT WAS ALL IN THE PAST, thats a RED FLAG. yes its in the past but the past matters. now tell me how youve changed and become a better person and wont do the same thing again, when youve shown a PATTERN OF BEING SHITTY TO PEOPLE.

you had a baby with a deadbeat in the past. well now you still have a growing baby to take care of.

you cheated in the past. well now we know you have the capability of cheating, vs a person who’s never cheated.

same with sluttishness. you did it once, youre capable of it, you could do it again.

NOT EVEN ONCE. ONCE IS TOO MANY.

yeah i was a degenerate too. but i admit it and i regret it and i will be the first to tell how that was wrong and bad and i never want to do that again!!!!!!!

anyway this is why i want an impartial judge and jury to listen to the facts of the case and determine that i was a little wrong sure, but she is WAY OFF in her interpretation of this, and i didnt deserve this treatment, and shes WRONG to remember me this way!

well maybe she doesnt hate me. shes “just done” with me. or she doesnt feel betrayed by me. shes “just done” with me. fine. but i still say its shitty to just be “done” with someone and dispose of them in this manner. if you want to be just done with someone, tell them and try to make it easy on them. dont just ignore them and give them nothing.

BECAUSE ITS ALL ABOUT YOU. THERE ISNT ANOTHER PERSON IN THE REL WITH YOU.

think of the other person whos heart youre breaking!

i showed empathy to her! i knew what she was going thru! i knew she had a lot on her plate, and that feelings from me were at a terrible time!

but just make an EFFORT to show empathy to me. just a little. ie, see that i want to hang out and talk, so stop blowing me off to hang out and talk.

well i took a break to clean the room. got out a huge bag of throwaway trash/rubbish/garbage, which i am throwing away the way she throwed me away hahahahaha. had to double bag it the way you should probably do it when she spreads that easy pvssy hahahaha to everyone but me. o lord.

anyway, got a huge bag of trash.

and also a pretty big bag of stuff to donate. books and clothes and shit.

AND also moved some stuff into a permanent long term storage bin that will be moved out of the room. this is stuff i cannot bear to throw away, like Journals and Poems and Photos or stuff given to me by long gone friends. that isnt so degenerate i just cant throw it away.

some stuff reminds me so much of the degenerate idiot youth i was, i just threw it away.

its easier to throw stuff away if you dont LOOK at it first hahahaha.

like i threw away a poem/lyric i wrote over 15 years ago that i was VERY PROUD OF at the time, but now i shake my head at what an edgy, dumb teen i was, going down the wrong road with that nihilist or god forbid even communist stuff! that i CAN bear throwing away.

i know my stupid rebellion happened, i dont need any reminders or “keepsakes” or “souvenirs” of how stupid i was. that’s like a slut keeping videos or pictures of the all the slutty secs she’s had. the shits in your memory anyway. its one thing to learn from the past and never forget, but you dont need to TORTURE yourself.

vaccumed the floor of the closet, which had not been done in years, since that was kinda my storage space.

basically GOT RID of this falling apart large cardboard box on the floor of the closet, which was my previous long term storage box till now. threw some stuff out of it. moved everything else to a large study plastic storage bin that will be moved elsewhere. return to the bins once every 2-3 years to throw stuff out hahahaha.

PURGE your STUFF. look for any books, dvds, cds (i am so old i still have a bunch of CDs hahahahaha in storage.) that is DEGENERATE! and just throw it away. or maybe donate it if its not too degenerate hahahaha. maybe some poor blacks will enjoy rolling blunts on your old book by a j00ish neocohen hahahaha.

like i have a super nintendo and some games that i am really hesistant to get rid of. those were honestly great times.

and a bunch of CDs. i already got rid of at least half my CDs but some i had more of an emotional connection to. honestly good memories. i would rather donate them to someone who might appreciate them. i thought muh female friend might appreciate some of them but i will never donate them to her hahahahaha. O. SUCH A TRAGEDY. I CANT DUMP MY UNWANTED GARBAGE ON HER ANYMORE hahahaha. NO, thats not what i MEANT. i meant i knew she actually still listened to CDs (i think) and i would give her no more than 10 CDs of stuff i am pretty sure she would like anyway.

anyway. 1 big bag of trash, 1 bag of d’nations, got rid of 1 stupid big old box, transferred stuff to big plastic container, freed up another good medium plastic container and put other stuff in it.

i swear. PLASTIC STORAGE CONTAINERS are where its at. sterilite, rubbermaid, big ones, and medium ones, with lids. thats what you want. then store and stack em. put stuff near the top that you might use soon.

i would say the smallest you want to get is not SUPER small. make it big enough that you could put a full piece of A5 paper in it facing down. notebooks, folders, shit like that.

if you find yourself looking at a piece of carpet you havent looked at in years, vaccum it.

so i spent at least 90 solid minutes cleaning muh room and it made me feel pretty accomplished. that was good.

i also spilled a huge mug of coffee on the carpet hahahaha.

the falling apart 40 year old cardboard box i tore up and threw away. i was sick of that box being there.

30, 40, 50 year olds are undecided and going to a democratic caucus. come on. there is only one obvious answer here. i could understand a 20 year old twit. but they shouldnt have the vote. you shouldnt have the vote until AT LEAST 25, better 30.

its possible that trumpenfuhrer will disappoint us and sell us out after he wins hahahaha. and never build the wall and let in floods of immigrants and migrants and sell out more jobs to asians. but so would anyone else hahahaha.

like the 50 year old white male small business owner who was thinking of voting for BERNIE. wtf?????????

these fookin politicians hahahaha. degenerate scumbags. so how is a scumbag businessman any better hahaha.

also, i dont like how she thinks she is right and I am wrong. I think I am right and she is wrong. but i need constant convincing. she needs no convincing at all to beleive she is right, ie, that i am in the wrong, that i am an evil betrayer and piece of shit. i obviously dont want her to believe that. because its horrible AND its wrong. and i need to convince myself ERRY DAY that she is wrong and i am right about that fact, and that i dont deserve that.

its hard to put myself in her shoes because ive never been in that position, but i LIKE TO THINK, given my crude approximation of empathy, that i would act a lot better. but men and women are different, SO DIFFERENT, that they CANNOT POSSIBLY see it from the other persons view.

see, i believe men and women are very different, but not SO MUCH that they cant EMPATHIZE with each other. or that you have to say, “WELL, if i were a retarded child with no agency, which is how women are, how would i think about this”? shouldnt have to do that.

like if i had a female friend who liked ME and was signalling hard and wanting to hang out for months and months and months, i would not blow off her hangout. i’d sack up and do what had to be done. i would meet with her, see what she has to say, and since thats a tough thing to say, i would try to grease the wheels by saying, you seem like you have something you want to tell me. youve been acting like you like me. is that it? well im sorry baby i just can luv you like you luv me. sorry to break your heart. you dont deserve that. we should not see each other for a while. i will try to get my desk moved around the corner. or you can hahahaha. i will also not flirt with people from work right in front of you hahaha.

looking for candlemassy semi”traditional” doom…..but more epic. candlemass did not have 10 minute songs. they had like 5 to 6 minute songs. not long enough. so…..lets try some morgion (an all time fav!) and dont forget about before the rain.

and now how about such a band with explicitly pro-white lyrics, and from poland. hahahaha.

trimmed beard as well.

really should get to Gym as well.

but i have only had 795 calories today.

found a bunch of handwritten journals from like 2004, 2005. back when i was still young, still had some potential and hope. well i was not hopeFUL lets say that. i still felt a lot of despair, and threw my life away, and like not, i wrote a lot about it. except then i was drinking quite a bit, and writing the stuff in damn notebooks that need to be stored away in boxes for years to come. so should i just throw the shit away????? i kinda dont want to. hence they get stored in the long term box. maybe in 10 years i can bring myself to throw them away. or i can give them to my wife and children to read to see what a maniac degenerate their father was. yet i am convinced that in those writings you can see my intention to do the right thing, to unfook myself, the nondegen golden heart buried beneath it all.

well as late as 2007/8 i was a self identified leftist. OH NOES.

ok made backups of a livejournal i had going from 2006 to like 2008,9, and some in 11.

it was 707 pages long hahahahahahahahaha.

livejournal does not let you backup pages oh noes.

what would a reasonable, mature person do?

she would have done what i would have done in that situation:

agreed to meet

brought up the topic myself / led them into the difficult topic / asked them straight up on what i suspected the topic actually was

dump them nicely and try not to break their heart

*******understand that a friend developing feelings for you was not a betrayal of the friendship, and no doubt THEY are feeling even more conflicted about than you are!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this is really the main, only thing she really needed to understand, and which she totally fooking shat the bed on. if i cant convince her of this, i cant convince her of anything. thats something she needs to Learn In Life, Herself.

did she think this was EASY for me? that i was NOT conflicted? obviously the tension was so thick for both of us you could cut it with a knife! i obviously didnt ENJOY this or think it was CUTE!

i have a broken fooking guitar in the basement and brought it up to throw away. i mean the guitar is unfixably broken. the right thing to do is get rid of it, and not let broken shit take up space.

i am not a HOARDER by any means, but i do hoard small amounts of useless junk that really should be thrown away.

out of ALL the people to give the BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT, it was ME. like oh. lets not JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS. lets HEAR HIS SIDE OF THE STORY rather than fooking BLOCK HIM. maybe this isnt as bad as i think it is (ie thats what she should have been thinking.)

ever since all this shit happened my personal hygiene has been horrible. easily go 3, 4, sometimes 5 days without a shower, takes an effort to brush teeth 1 time a day, that kind of shit. wearing dirty clothes, dirty drawers hahahahaha, going to gym and getting covered in sweat and NOT taking a shower, not changing drawers hahahaha for like 4 or 5 days in a row. i got better about brushing teeth but i would like to get better about taking shower. come on. at LEAST once every 2 days hahahaha.

but yeah this has been a total mindfook. nothing could have prepared me. to have someone you were so close to get rid of you in SUCH a bad way. no it wasnt all in my head, dont you remember when you used to like me as a friend? now you throw me away? because you felt i betrayed you?

give me an ultimatum before pulling ultimatum worthy shit! request a private meeting if you dont want to give the ultimatum in public at stressful job place! then i would have told you my shit too!

it hurts to be thrown away by someone who used to care for you. and she did. i just wish she had reflected more on that before pulling the fookin trigger.

or even cooling off after a few weeks or months and contacting me then, like oooosh i didnt mean to throw you away like that im sorry, let me try rejecting you in a better way.

its probably because she felt so betrayed and thrown away by the PREVIOUS guy, that she is taking that out on ME. human centipede style. because she cant give it back to HIM. well why not? did he block her? i thought she did give him a piece of her mind and tell him what a giant piece of shit he was.  i dont know though.

its just so UNREAL. and knowing youll never make sense of it. knowing there will be no closure. knowing they will always remember you WRONGLY. its very very very hard to just accept that and live with that. it just takes a long time of suffering until HOPEFULLY you become numb to the suffering. 600 days hahahahaha.

and i cant contact her NOW because…..that would be CREEPY, and i have to be EXTRA CAREFUL not to be CREEPY. or else dr nerdluv and atheist elevator skepchick and anita sarkeesian might put me in jail because i made a woman feel uncomfortable for the shitty things shes done hahahahaha.

because its ALL ABOUT THEM hahahaha. i wish she had even TRIED to give a damn about me in the end. thats so frustrating. because she USED to be SO NICE to me. she was nice to everybody and extra nice to me and i was like wow its awesom when women are nice to you instead of huge ice cold bitches. i could see myself liking this.

anyway cleaning the room like that was YUGE. more rewarding than going to the gym. so, once in a while, instead of going to the gym, clean your room instead and get rid of junk. throw away, donate, or put into long term storage.

then once in while, go into long term storage and go through that, try to donate or throw away.

use medium storage boxes to organize stuff you may use in the short term. use large storage boxes for long term storage.

not really good. hahahha. because i did NOTTTTTTT start the rel under FALSE PRETENSES (though MAYBE she thinks i did)

[update aug 2016: yeah i was still going thru a lot of conflict at this time in january. by now i have reached more “closure” and “equanimity”, i.e., it’s easier to see that the simplest explanation is the best, i.e, she just didnt want to deal with a difficult, horribly uncomfortable situation, and just avoided dealing with it altogether. ran away. she probably did NOT hate me or feel betrayed by me. it probably DID cause her pain to end the rel. the rel, and me, probably DID mean something to her. but it was just classic fight or flight. I fought, and she fled. we have all ran away from responsibility, or given up when the going gets tough. and thats all it was. doesnt mean it doesnt suck horribly for me though! it took a damn YEAR for me to reach this fairly reasonable conclusion.]

also its WEIRD HOW MANY PEOPLE would be okay staying friends. with one sided feelings. then they would just try to kill their one sided feelings and appreciate the friendship for what it is. that just is weird as fook to me. cuz i just can kill the feelings. i always want them and need to be away from them for a long time, probably forever. i wish more people understood that!!!!!!

google is it WRONG to get feelings for a friend?

not much good articles. i dont think its WRONG. especially if you are not breaking up relationships or what not. it seems the mature thing to do is to maturely talk about it, without doing a “feelings dump”, and then communicate. not that they women say that. they say well its kinda shitty to tell them about it if they havent given you any signals of interest. women HATE communication and LOVE stupid SIGNALS. god damn stupid. so then YOURE the bad guy when you want to TALK about it. then its a FEELINGS DUMP and too much.

so you dont tell them youre in LOVE with them, you just say i have feelings for you. period. lets go out on a date and cuddle and have casual sex hahahaha.

well what do you call it when the person makes stupid excuses to never hang out wiht you?

then you take the hint and realize they just dont ever want to hang out with you ever again. just lay down and accept that theyre done and its all about them and you dont deserve common courtesy.  hahahaha.