oh yeah that was another important point i have not made yet.

i had a dream maybe a week ago with the woman where we were back at work, and i was sitting there and could not do my job because she was sitting 20 feet behind me. i was avoiding my work (type of place where you cannot get away with this) and obviously never should have come back. i started writing angry things to female. one of her new male friends played white knight and came up to me and said hey man, why can’t you get it through your head, she doesnt like you, she doesn’t want you, just leave her alone, or you and me are gonna have problems. i think at this point i started screamingly hysterically in the office and was ready to fight this guy right in front of everyone. even though i wasn’t mad at HIM, i was mad at HER.

what i also realized at that point is, and this was a good lesson for waking life, is:


I’m still not sure how this was entirely related to the dream, but that epiphany struck me. its really not comforting or not discouraging hahahaha.

basically it means that women can fook badboys and terrible deadbeats who abandon their children, and still be a Good Loving Single Mother to those children. it doesn’t matter that the relationship with the child’s father is fooking godawful and nonexistent, it doesn’t matter that the child is half of that man. all that really matters is that its the mothers child, period, the man doesn’t really matter at all.

of course Not All Single Mothers are Great Loving Mothers. But some really are. and even though they had the worst relationship ever with the father, they have a wonderful, good relationship with the child of that brief horrible union.

what that means for the omega males like us always getting dumped is, and this is not encouraging: you fall in love with a woman because you think she would make a great wife to you, and a great mother to your children. you think of it as kind of a package deal. then everything goes wrong. you realize she would be a HORRIBLE wife to you. to ease your pain you try to say that she would then be a terrible mother to any children you would have had. but that’s just not true. she could be a terrible wife to you, but a good mother to whatever children. shit she could be a GREAT wife AND mother of children to a different man.

like i said, this was not a comforting epiphany. because when things go wrong, you really want to blame it on them for being a horrible person. but they are not necessarily a horrible person. i mean sometimes they are, and sometimes they’re not. it’s almost EASIER when they ARE. and this woman was not a horrible person. she would make a good wife and mother. and so therefore it is HARDER, because i can’t really blame her too much, she’s not a horrible person, it jsut didn’t work out between me and her, it wasn’t meant to be, and now i have to move on, and thats going to be fooking HARD. a lot harder for me than for her. shit she’s over me RIGHT NOW as we speak, as I write 9000000 posts about HER.

i guess another way of writing that axiom above would be: JUST BECAUSE SHE IS A HORRIBLE PERSON FOR YOU, DOESN’T MEAN SHE’S A HORRIBLE PERSON FOR EVERYONE ELSE. She could very well be the Dream Wife and Mother of Children for another, more alpha, better, more successful, charismatic, masculine man hahahahahaha.

well thats a related maxim but not the same. i guess a more accurate: just because she’s a horrible match for you, doesn’t mean she’s a horrible PERSON. or just because she has CHILDREN with HORRIBLE men and makes HORRIBLE choices on who she has children with, does not make her a horrible person, and does not mean she will be a bad mother to those children.

found a job opening for a 17DAH part time job. have to fill out an extremely detailed application including 15 years of past work history, and tons of details for every job; AND submit resume AND cover letter with it. i understand this is their weeding out process to limit applications. but it seems a little insane that it should take 8 hours just to apply for a damn part time job. but its a 17DAH part time job!!!! and that is a bretty good hourly wage mang!

however i do not get my hopes up when you have to list “REASON FOR LEAVING.” hahahaha. because i am a weakling who cant handle stress on the job and reaches boiling point and breaking point and meltdown and flips out and ragequits. more like anxietyquits. or cant handle seeing woman who “dumped” you on the job. still bad. still not employable.

so when you do an application like that which takes 8 hours to painstakingly fill out, SAVE IT on your computer/cloud so you can come back to it and copypaste from it later.

although i have so many partial files like that, i can never find the information i’m looking for. tons of partial files, no complete single file. very disorganized with my 1000000s of job search related files hahahaha.

because i deactivated facebook i often forget that she BLOCKED me on facebook. that sends a pretty strong signal. not just unfriending, but unfriending AND BLOCKING. This is the first time in my life i’ve ever been BLOCKED by somebody. that sends a clear message of LEAVE ME ALONE, although it says nothing of the deeper thoughts behind that decision, and unfortunately you will never have the permissions/access to be privy to those thoughts and feelings. it is totally out of your hands and there is NOTHING you can do.


Yeah I have never been the Dumper, I have always been the one getting dumped. always. without exception. It is hard to handle getting dumped. I bet I would be a pretty good dumper, i would try to make it as painless as possible for the person i was dumping, even if they weirded me out hahahahahaha. because i would understand why they were being weird. all too well. i have been weird like that myself. i know that feel. empathy.

i was also angry at how at work i needed a lot of moral support and the woman did not. i reached out to her for moral support and she was not willing to give. if she needed moral support, she got it from other people. she got help from other people who were happy to help the nice pretty gurl. it took me a long time before i found some decent people who could help me and morally support me. and i was upset that my former friend was no longer willing to give that support. cuz when we both started at the same time, we were on much better terms, and she was much more willing to give me that support. and of course that declined. its tough to have something, then see it slip away, its worse than if you NEVER HAD ANYTHING.

better to have loved and lost than never loved at all? i dont know hahahahaha. possibly NOT hahaha.

and maybe she eventually got used to the job and didn’t need the Crutch of Moral Support. at least not from me any more! And I LIKED giving moral support! I tried to give moral support to a lot of people, becuase i realized how tough our job was, and how good our people are, and how little thanks and support they get for their insanely hard complicated stressful work! so I would go out of my way to thank people and support people and say good job i appreciate you, i am here to help you as best as i can, even though i dont really know what im doing either. this is a tough job and i like it when we support each other.

so after a while she either got used to the job and needed less moral support, and also when she needed support, she just turns to other people, anybody but me. i think its a combination of both.

but the job never really got easier for me, so i was jealous of her cool head. the man being more emotional than the woman, thats fookin great. bodes well for me!

also that made it more difficult for me to understand shit EVEN WHEN SOMEONE WAS TRYING TO EXPLAIN IT TO ME.

I’m not an idiot, so it’s very frustrating to be so anxious and tightly wound, that you can’t understand what somebody is saying to you right now, you can’t listen and comprehend and learn, because of your damn emotions.

heheheh time to start a new post.



june 25

today i learned that russian composer tchaikovsky was very likely a homosexual hehehe.

why should that be so surprising. all artists and musicians and actors and writers and painters and ARTISTS are homosexual hehehe.

anyway i am trying to find “the best” version of the divine liturgy of st john chrysostom. tchaikovsky and rachmaninoff were the major ones but rimsky korsakoff also had one.

look up znamenny chant

oh here we go, pretty good.

i am basically looking for something as old skool as possible, and very russian. old and russian.

no offense to the greeks who also do something similar with their orthodox chant. in fact i thought orthodoxy was invented in greece. or turkey. hehehe. does that mean it’s not european? hehehehehehehehehehehehe. huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh.

right here. right here. THIS is the one. boom. done. THIS is what i have been looking for. it seems like a smaller group (someone said its just 4 guys) and you can hear all of their voices very clearly to create spine chilling harmonies. YES.

if roman catholics want more people in church they should do stuff like this!

god damn. i think it is just because it’s 4 or 5 monks rather than 10 or 20. sounds very intimate. me rikey a LOT.

have listened to some of the other valaam monastery stuff and it’s a much larger group.

are you kidding? i was nearly brought to tears, and i have never heard these songs before. maybe also it is reading the comments where they are thanking GOD and praying.

not sure if this counts as znamenny though. at this point i don’t care.

anyway it is interesting that a small choir would sound better than a big choir. but i was amazed.

4 person male choir. no barbershop sh1t.

album of the year 2014 right here. that green one. chantz from valaam.

valaam is a large island in an even larger lake, supposedly the largest lake in europe (not to be confused with the black SEA) which is near st petersburg, ie rather close to finland as well. it is rumored that PUTIN has a DACHA on this island but it is very secret.

thats it. im gonna start writing MUSIC again. inspired by these men of GOD.

renting a car might be the cheapest way to travel. i looked into an amtrak train and it was NOT that much cheaper than a PLANE.

how many female scientists (ie hard science phds or at least masterz, who are geekily, autistically, masculinely interested in Hard Science) are also Social Justice Warrior Feminist Leftist Marxists?

heh. i am reading a blog by a Biology PhD candidate by a young marxist feminist woman who is 90% obsessed with her field of butterflies and ecology and stuff, and 10% social justice warrior claptrap.

see i thought hard scientists were less leftist. unless: biology isn’t really too hard of a science; or women are more leftist than men (which is true; at least young single women are); or it’s just her, and most women in biology aren’t this bad.

or, most likely, i am just jealous and bitter of phd academics because i blew my chance at being one by getting bad grades and bad extracurriculars.

because i want the work environment of intelligent phds and cocktail parties and fresh cute young gurl college students every year. hehehe.

and saying, my JOB is me being a PHD, which proves I’m SMARTER than 99% of people.

less than 1 out of 100 people is a phd! heck, prob 1 out of 1000!

so i could pull a wife to watch foreign movies with and drive a volvo and shop at whole foods and send my kids to progressive schools and live in a progressive university town with a bunch of old hippies and cute young gurls and elites hehehe.

bad reasons, son!

especially since i don’t agree with Progressive Politics.

however those cities can be Safe, Low Crime, No Ghetto, Walkable, and Fun, with plenty of Culture and Parks and Museums and Music and Nightlife and such. with increasing home and land values. who wouldn’t want to live there. including right wing nutjobs like moi.

june 26

i never listened to much fugazi but i should probably start. i really like the “integrity” of musicians who can be approached by The Mainstream and offered millions of dollars, and then just turn it down. not many people can say they did that. i would probably take the money!

also i did not know about their huge set of live recordings. i bet that was a wild live show.

lets see. had a weird dream lsat night with girl2. hey now. in it i guess she was dead (!!!) but was a ghost where only i and a few others could see her. she was young as I remembered her, heh near 18, rather than much older as she is now. i always like that youthful young aspect of her, of a young girl vs an old woman.

but we couldn’t go out because she was a ghost and i was alive and it just didn’t work that way.

might be a great corny young adult novel movie!

did a few moar voice recordings yesterday while driving. it was a shorter drive, and also it is hard to focus on your talks when you have to focus on the road. so might get best talks while sitting in parked car somewhere. but it is still fun and great and awesome and a great idea and i plan on doing a lot more.

yep. you should start doing voice recordings too. then listen to them. and think of ways you can become a better speaker. you don’t need to talk to other people to do this. in fact it is by yourself where you can build the confidence to be a good speaker with other people. people that matter, like frands, employers, and b1tches. DO IT. it is the best thing i’ve done in weeks.


june 13

ok i went to the store and got some act flouride rinse to see if it would improve muh teeth because i am paranoid about getting cavities or gum disease. but i hate flossing. i also got some little “interdental brushes” which i thought might be better than floss. can’t seem to get them to go fully between the teeth. not sure if they are intended to be a perfect substitute / alternative to floss.

also got some floss picks to try to practice those some more.

put the floss in your BEDROOM NOT THE BATHROOM so you can floss while laying in bed or watching tv and do it nice and lesiurely.

i also got a big brush for the shower with like a 1 foot long handle. my main priority is to scrub the skin rather than wash it per se, and i only wash the skin with soap 2 or 3 times a week, so i can take advantage of the Natural Skin Oils. i have been using an Exfoliating Pad but it is getting worn out so I wanted to try something new, a brush in particular. pretty excited to try this one out.

how about you.

when i was on my adventure, i met at least two nice young men whom i got along with instantly and easily. they both talked about Psychedelics as instrumental in setting them on their life paths, and both were well-adjusted, healthy, happy, fairly successful people worth emulating. lots of talk of terrence mckenna, who i haven’t thought about in years, and their own experiences with mushrooms, lsd, “molly”, and the one guy even tried ayahuasca in a large group guided by a spiritual/trip leader.

i have long been interested in these as a way of personal and spiritual awakening etc and am curious to try a psychedelic again as a way to perhaps open my eyes, start a new chapter, get over muh block. but it is hard to get the privacy i need, real hard, almost impossible. but once i do, I WILL be trying something. either a small dose of shrooms, or small dose of lsd.

warning: i think ssris and ad’s can interact with mushrooms and/or mollie so you die from serotonin syndrome. but not lsd i don’t think. i could be wrong. so lay off your serotonin meds before taking.

so, i think psychedelics can be a useful thing in helping you Find Your Path, maaaaaan. just be very careful.

you should be in a safe, calm setting with people you trust. this can be a tall order. i would almost recommend doing it alone as long as you trusted yourself not to jump to your death, which i hear acid gives you the urge to jump from windows. so don’t do that.

get a subscription to an actual paper magazine that you can get every month. it is way more fun to read a magazine or a book or something printed on paper, than it is to read a computer or phone or kindle.

try to get a good deal of course, nothing super expensive. i was thinking something political and or business related. and also something smart. i was reading “the atlantic” which this leftist guy had, and while it makes you feel smart and sophisticated, it is also leftist marxist poison in the extreme, so i cannot possibly recommend it. just like the nation, or harpers, that kinda sh1te.

so i was thinking of getting a sub to national review or something hehehe.

and so should you! reading is so much better than looking at the tv or computer and you should do everything you can to get yourself to READ MOAR.

ive heard anecdotes that cocaine makes you feel super confident, outgoing, like a god, very powerful. was also thinking about experimenting with a tiny bit of cocaine at some point.

june 14

had a dream featuring NotQuiteGirl9A? I think it was A. dream of course increases her stock. dream makes me wish i’d taken her out on a nice date or something. but at the time i thought she was too “Stumpy” and had no 4ss. but she was nice and smart and nerdy. and she wasn’t THAT stumpy and it wasn’t that she had NO 4ss, it was just SMALL. i would make out, cuddle, and bang her, without it being weird and gross, which is way more than I can say for some unfortuantely. well, at least a dream about her isn’t gonna ruin my day. like with gurl 7 or 8. in fact it might be a good thing. it’s not like nqg9a doesn’t still live around here, and she hasn’t rejected me yet!

plus i don’t think she ever had her promiscuous phase, which I agree that wimmin should never have, so that’s another plus.愼栠敲㵦栢瑴㩰⼯灯湥献潰楴祦挮浯愯瑲獩⽴礳㉙啧䥣橳牍核潪ㄵ潐㡊㸢桔⁥浓瑩獨⼼㹡

also, all wimminz 4sses get bigger as they get older, so if you think her 4ss is too small now…..JUST WAIT.

when you make your top 40 party dance mix 4 gurls, actually try listening to it yourself and you might be pleasantly surprised. have your own party sans gurls. f00k gurls. they’re stupid and they get too old too fast. and they always reject you hehehe. gurls R no fun!!!

i don’t really want to ever have to dump a gurl, but if I HAVE to, I really hope I have the guts to actually DO it.

how about u.

heh. i kinda wish the old frand i saw. i can’t stop thinking about him and girl8, i kinda wish he would tell girl8 to get ahold of me because i told him i was in luv with her, hehehe. needless to say, i would rather marry or date or bang girl8 than notquitegirl9a.

how about you?


june 1

if while doing spring cleaning (which can be done ANY time of year, even the dead of winter!) and you see something that reminds you of an old friend but you really don’t need to keep it because you’ll never look at it or use it, but it’s hard to throw away because you didn’t leave on Bad Terms with that friend, you just grew apart, then Say A Prayer Of Gratitude and GoodWill for them, then throw the thing away, saying something like “don’t take this personally buddy, i wish you all the best, but I just need to clean my dam house”. and throw it away or give it to charity.

i guess some people get really emo attached to photos, if their house were burning, they would run to save their photo albums first.

ummm that’s understandable and acceptable. but i really don’t have a lot of photos…

ok i guess don’t throw photos out, just put them in a box. if it’s someone who RIPPED YOUR HEART OUT, ok yes you can and should throw photos of them out.

unless it is “revenge porn” hehehehehe. i think revenge porn is great. b1tches shouldn’t let you take nekkid pitcherz if they are just gonna j you over later!

note: i am NOTE encouraging any illegal or abusive activity!!!!!!!!!!

ehhhh wimmin. they are ok i guess, but i can TAKE THEM OR LEAVE THEM. So far in mah life, THE CONS HAVE OUTWEIGHED THE PROS.

also, they say that the def of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

i wonder if that’s jsut a wives tale because to me that technically sounds more like Stubbornness or Laziness, but not necessarily INSANITY. Of course in the back of your mind you prob know that what you’re stubbornly doing again and again is not gonna work, you just hope against hope that it will finally work this time, but not really EXPECTING it to work, per se.

who gives a f.

heh. it will be weird hanging out in close quarters with a bunch of normalfags with good jobs and prob headed toward marriage with their gurlfrans.

well, these really are the types of people i should try to hang out with MORE! and you too.

just be careful not to advertise yourself as a huge loser. HIDE YOUR LOSERNESS. If they pry, just give them a sanitized story and say you’ve fallen on kinda tuff times lately. but eventually you would like to get a nice entry level job in business or computers.

oh no, not dating anyone right now, haven’t met the right girl yet for marriage, not a problem, it’ll happen someday, just working on myself right now, playing the field a little bit.

funny thing is, i actually know some normalfag successfuls but i don’t make much of an effort with them. because 65% of them, i’m not sure i really like. but i should make more of an effort wiht the OTHER 35%!!!

and this is different because this is a completely different group, from my Old Life that I’m trying to erase most of it (except for the nice people) blatantly inviting me to do something.

and since i gave up drinking, it is A LOT EASIER to be on good behavior.

just pretend i am a hardworking normalfag who is having a spell of bad luck right now, but i won’t let it get me down!

but let the one old friend know i really wouldn’t mind an FT position in his Huge Employer. that would be set 4 lyfe.

june 2

ok leaving later tonight. did my errands, got my hair cut nice and short to help with the baldness, got the finances in order THANK GOD, cut the lawn, finally got a second here. want to do last touches on my civilization in settlers; ideally do pwalk, finish packing (toiletries?)

had a dream last night with girl7, o noes. well it’s been like 2 weeks for her, hehehe. in the dream we were driving around LA in a mercedes or fancy car and she was being cold and b1tchy to me pushing me to be a Pushy Customer to a Car Dealer for some reason. now, i prob do not stand up for my rights as a customer enough, and car dealers and car people are notorious for trying to screw their customers, so you DO have to be aggressive right back to them. masculine. I sighed.

of course, me driving around with her like that sort of implies we were “dating” and that I had probably gotten a chance to have her sit on muh face for hours after eating bowls of bacon and beans, eat her 4ss, maybe a little face f4rting perhaps (o come on, hahahaha), licking the sweat out of her 4sscrack, have nice missionary stare em in the eyes sechs, suck on her stomach and belly button and huge bewbs and all sorts of GROSS DEGENERATE PERVERSIONS as well as Happy Cuddling and Making Out, all the stuff that goes along with Dating. But there was really no hint of any of that in the dream. JUST her being a B1tch and testing my masculinity by putting me in an uncomfortable position.

thankfully the dream was short and I don’t remember much of it.

anyway. those disgusting 4ss perversions i don’t really want to do to that extent with every cute young gurl, it was something that symbolized the deep True Luv I had for Gurl 7. Maybe the more you are in Luv with a Gurl, the more disgusting things you are willing to do with her 4ss.

good news is, i’m not thinking of Girl8 at all any more. And I was reflecting that the Experience of Girl7 has pretty much BLOWN AWAY all the other Gurls 1 thru 6, effectively erasing them from my memory. (well, 99% at least, till i get the occasional dream and think of them again.)

heh. now I am thinking of G7 again. Ya know, things would have been a LOT easier if she had just said yes. then i would get a masters degree all day long. or at least gladly work muh crappy middle working class job 80 hours a week if i could just home to dat 4ss. dat heart :((((((( heh what beta bullcrap.


may 18

well have a reverent 911 day. hopefully one day Our Nation can figure out that the Marxists are the REAL terrorists! and the banksters, globalists, 1%, illuminati, lizards, plutocrats, oligarchs, leftists, etc. people selling YOUR jobs out because there’s no other way to compete with china. so we have to suck it up and be losers so future generations can be more winning.

now i do not hate the poor chinese b4stards working 24 hours a day for slave wages. i just think Our Leaders should try to do more to Fight The Globalist Race To The Bottom. Create and Protect American Jerbs. Is that so bad? even if the chinese work harder than amerifats. even the tryhard masters degree middle class careeraholic ones.

scared to check email because that guy prob responded. but i vowed that would be my task for the day.

gonna have to get serious about this job search.

honestly think hitting up the Temp Staffing Agency will be the best. cuz if the job they place me in sucks, I can prob leave it. if it doesn’t suck, I can suck up and try to get permanently hired. but it should allow me an Escape Route in case it was like my “Current” job, where it sucked so bad I thought about quitting….but couldn’t quit because i didn’t have another job lined up, which is the ONLY way you can quit, or else be Permanently Unemployable and Blacklisted.


ok i sacked up and checked the email, nothing yet. hehehe. ok he might make me wait a week like I did hehehe. also maybe i was misunderstanding him. maybe he wanted me to drive myself, which i am abs not willing or even able to do. i kind of use a communal car and can’t take it for 6-7 days.  plus those long road trips are terrible wear and tear and I would never do unless I had a sweet job and could easily afford to abuse a car like that.

also i am really worried that girl8 might be there, and I would HAVE to bang her, and just seeing her would Screw Me Up For A Long Time. but we determined the Odds at like 10% or less!

cuz honestly. things could get crazy. i could bang her, immediately “catch feelings” and want to pull a long dist rel, not really have the means to do it, she might string me along for awhile, etc, and it would be an emo clusterf00k! and by the time I was ready for another woman I would be like 40!!!!! all because she is good at having emo free S and I am not!

well i mean I could be, in fact I would be, with any gurl BUT the girls 1 thru 8!!!!! which she is!!!!

but there is only a 10% chance she would even BE there!

like i had a fantasy i was Cuddling with her and calling her “sweetie pie!”

but other b1tches, i could care less!!!!!!!!

talk about a ridiculous PEDESTAL!!!!!!!

all because i saw her once from 20 feet away and did not talk to her, in january 2013!!! then the dreams started, then i fell in luv! o god please halp me!!!! this is just STUPID!!!!!!!

ok ok ok ok let’s CONTROL OUR EMOTIONS. so i am scared that Girl8 will be The Last Gurl Ever. Not too long ago I was scared Girl7 would be the last gurl ever. and so on.

and what is True Luv but a Chemical Reaction responding to some very definitely things, namely, youth, beauty, and proximity. you spend enough time around ANY cute young gurl and you will fall in luv with her. that is how the good lord designed the human race to have families with fathers.

of course there can be dealbreakers, like if the gurl rejects you, or if she is Cray. or Filthy. a real cvm chugging j1zz sh1tter. cvm burper. cvm crapper.

but i am feeling weird because I don’t see ANY cute young gurls I could possibly fall in luv with, so instead i think about people from the Past, which is generally bad, esp re wimmin.

how about u?

ok ok ok.

ALSO, if any of these gurls show ANY interest in you, that can really help too. really elevate their status.

then you got a whole new b1tch to go crazy over and have dreams about for years. NO THANK YOU!

and honestly. the DREAM is all part of the chemical reaction, it’s nothing the gurl is even doing. the DREAM is what’s making you fall in luv with the gurl.  NOT the gurl herself!

but who cares about gurls when you got JOBZ son.

ok. one step at a time. will try the temp agency first. go in there with dress slacks and a one sheeter and act like a smart, optimistic normalfag with a great attitude.

Dear Girl8,

Sorry I did not make a move on you when I actually knew you. I was too distracted by stupid stuff. Please stop appearing in my dreams many years later thanks. hahaha yeah I know you have no control over that. anyway just wanted to let you know that maybe in an alternate universe we could have gotten married and had beautiful homeschooled babies. I hope I can forget about you and move on to other wimmin. I really really hope so. it sucks thinking about all these wimmin from my past. I would rather focus on my self, my career, etc, or on promising new wimmin, rather than dwell on old ones who i could not possibly Hook Up With. It would be great if i never had another dream about you ever again. Especially since we never really even talked or hung out or anything. I saw you once in early 2013 and then started having dreams about you and that f00king sucks. ok maybe i should have talked to you then. probably. oh well, my bad. if i ever see you again i will talk to you and try to Hook Up With You.

Sincerely, UF(M)LL



may 16

ok took a nice 3.2 mi pwalk. nice. bretty much made up my mind that YES i should go with the guy on his road trip to the wedding. what would I do if I were a Normalfag who wasn’t Controlled by my Laziness and Loserness? Well, I would be gainfully employed and fly out there, or I would say yes to the guy instantly.

heck i should just say yes right now and then if i get called back to the job, tell em, i got a thing planned and can’t start till june xth. really don’t think they would then say, oh well, that’s 2 weeks later than we wanted you, so you’re fired permanently. they are already using this ridic Seasonal Model Of Employment to cut Labor Costs and to avoid Health Care Costs, much like making A Full Time Job into 2 Part Time Jobs.

anyway it would be genuine fun. and a good way to Make Amends and Assuage Regrets. plus it’s not like a job where you have to stay with it for life. it’s just a limited time. and i might meet some single gurls looking to Party for the night. and I professional network. the list of pros never ends.

protip. ok say you go on a 5 mile powerwalk and then your shirt and shorts are soaked with sweat and then you feel gross, understandably so, putting those same clothes on for a powerwalk on another day. you can do the rinsing the clothes out with soap and water in your bathroom sink as i mentioend earlier; OR you can try taking a SHOWER WITH THE CLOTHES ON. Or, if that’s too weird, bring the clothes in the shower with you and just rinse them out that way.

OR, buy special clothes that Wick the Sweat Out rather than absorb it In Forever. I guess like those Under Armour shirts all the f4gg0ts wear? well at least theyre not unemployable friendless wirgins.

“WICKING” shirt, activewear, athletic gear, go to TARGET and go to the activewear section and get the cheapest v-neck shirt, cheapest Muscle shirt, cheapest shorts, and cheapest pants you can find. get xlarge, something that feels baggy and loose on your body. better to be too big than too small. of course you don’t want it falling down below your 4ss like a n1993r, hahahahaha. and then just go to planet fitness during the winter and powerwalk on the treadmill for 100 minutes immediately after work, and then you can Walk Off the Stress from the Day at Work.

may 17

yep. so if you are faced with a decision and really can’t decide, getting cold feet, just want to say no because you always are afraid to say yes, think, wait a minute, what would a normalfag say? maybe this is my lazy loserness possessing me. and then say yes like a normalfag and Learn Something from the Experience.

damn. had another dream about a true luv girl last night. girl7. remember, it’s not REALLY about girl7 in particular, rather about the General feeling of True Luv I felt for All True Luv Girls. she just happened to pop in.

something involving skool. she was teaching the class i was in, or doing a presentation in my class, and coming off as real smart and professional. can’t remember much but I am pretty sure I acted more butthurt beta to her than I should have.

thankfully I do not remember much about the dream and it is not gonna ruin my day.

I f00king HATE Ben Stiller and the Fockers sequels, but the original “Meet The Parents” has genuinely hilarious moments. Like Robert Deniro calling dogs “Sellouts” or Ben Stiller’s ridiculous dinner prayer. although i do not agree that dogs are “sellouts”. or “emotionally shallow.”  how about u? wimmin, on the other hand….. i don’t hate wimmin, but I don’t LIKE them either.

gearing up for saturday 3.2 mile powerwalk. also really should sent this Guy a response email today, it has been one week since i first got his email, then shot off a quick response, “thank you, will respond soon.”

this is a great protip. when you receive an important email that is gonna take some thought, send them a brief two sentence email thanking them for reaching out to you, as soon as possible, to reassure and thank them. Who the hell (other than weird losers) don’t like being thanked? Even I like being thanked or complimented, and I am a weird loser who can’t pull a job or a wimmin!!!

OK, went for  3.2 mile pwalk, AND FINALLY responded to that guy. now just waiting for him. tried to make the email shorter and not go all out talking about my weird self. heh. in the past,like a year ago, i was writing epic emails to like 3 diff people, it was too much. what I learned from that is, DO NOT tell your old kollege friends that you are out of the Racist Closet or else you will have a lot of splainin and damage control to do. plus back then I was more extreme of a racist. I have simmered down a little bit. Thank RamZPaul for that, heheheh.

We’ll see. take it 1 step at a time. At the very least, I see it as A Sign From My Higher Power to Make Amends to this guy and to the guy getting married, amends for kinda blowing them off a little in the past, and just to tell them they are good people, and should have spent more time hanging out with them than orbiting around Girls 2, 3, 4, and maybe 5, like a luv crazy fool. not like i betrayed them or anything but I was being pulled between at least 2 social groups, and their social group did not get enough face time from me as I would have liked in the long run. that’s all.

heh. i do not have these social problems NOW obviously. i do have friends thank GOD. but one set of friends is more “superficial” and we do a regular fun activity together but I still keep my Inner Self hidden somewhat. though I should make more of an effort to hang out for different types of activities. And I have one friend who I am very close to and we know all each others deepest secrets and fears bla bla bla. and another friend i would like to make more of an effort to see, maybe once a month, but he is a big boy now with kidz.

how about u? yes, if I were a true neet wizard with Zero Friends, that would suck balls.


may 15

have been watching more of the tv show south park, it really is funny. a year ago i wouldn’t watch it because it was “too degenerate” but now I have become more tolerant of degenerates, hehehehehe. well, not where it COUNTS, and certainly south park does not really COUNT, and it is genuinely funny and can lift the mood with its ridiculous humor.

may 16

wow. real lazy yesterday. watched TWO movies. good news is I got in the full 4.8 miles of powerwalk, hooray.

had a dream with Girl3 of all people in it. heh. it is RIDICULOUS how often I have a dream with A Girl in it. at LEAST once a week it seems.

I really think that the deeper meaning here, the SIGN if you will, what my dream is trying to tell me, is NOT that I am nto over these specific gurls, which I am!  but that each of these girls represented the same GENERAL thing, ie True Love, True Love which I could have had with Girl 2 OR 3 OR 4 OR 5 Or 7 OR 8. different gurls, same general thing. almost doesn’t matter what “package” the true love came in.

of course each gurl was different, and diff circumstances, diff stories, and of course diff “dating” experiences on my part. for example girl7 I never even made out with, while, for example, girl2 i straight up had PIV S’ual Relations, Coitus, Intimacy, Intercourse with, believe it or not! But I was in full blown luv with them both, and about equal amounts.

And it’s real hard to say if any one of those gurls would have been “BEST.” Nope, they all would have been very good.

so when i have a dream about gurl7 or gurl3, which i have both had dreams this very week!!!, it doesn’t mean i am not over them, but rather that I am still desiring of the True Luv that each gurl provided for me, and I would like to have that again, with a NEW gurl, and actually make it WORK.

of course, if gurl 7 approached me, I would “take her back”!

another thing. if the woman is IN CONTROL in the rel, it WILL fail. the MAN MUST be IN CONTROL. and someone is ALWAYS in control, whether or not they may be middle class marxists where they say it’s a “partnership.” there, the woman is prob in control, and the rel will probably fail.

oy vey.

well, not to give too much away, but one of The Numbered Girls had their birthday recently, and I was in kinda a blah mood that day, no doubt because I was thinking about that!

isn’t it weird how much i think about these gurls, when I SHOULD be thinking about more important things, like doing something with my life? not being a huge loser? why WASTE so much time and energy thinking about these gurls?

prob because I’ve always been a huge romantic sissy, and REALLY into the idea of True Luv with a Nice Girl. I have had that romantic fantasy for as LONG as I can possibly remember, from the time I was a pre pubescent and first noticing gurls! I didn’t just want to bang them, I wanted to have True Cuddling Monog Luv with them!

and have ever since! I am quite possibly a LOVE ADDICT even moreso than I am a Sex Addict! Who gets their fix of Love or Sex hardly ever at all!

so in my what if alternate universe, I would have gotten that fix, like a normalfag, at an “appropriate” age like 18 or so, and then been able to focus on working hard to Build A Life, know that I had muh True Luv High Skool Sweetheart to Be In Luv With and not Leave Me.

how about u? tell me about u!

well in the winter, i might just pay 10 bucks a month for planet fitness so I can walk on their treadmill for 100 minutes a day. why not. why the f not. what i don’t like about walking around the neighborhood is that it announces to all the retired babby boomers “I’M UNEMPLOYED AND UNEMPLOYABLE!” so i get a little nervous and ashamed.

had some weird thoughts about K’ing self, like it’s really too much work to turn my life around and it would make a ton of sense to K self, but i wouldn’t do it until mah fam was gone. but wouldn’t it still hurt mah friends? yeah but if you’ve pushed all your friends away…. also there is the thought of eternal hell. either way i wouldn’t do it for a few more years, hahahahahahahahahahaha.

no i do not encourage K’ing yourself, go see a shrink NOW and Get Help.

god damn really procras on this email to this guy. it’s not his fault he’s part of the time period i want to erase! I don’t even want to erase HIM per se!

besides it would prob be a fun experience, taking huge road trip with him, having good talks, i could even possib tap into his network to get me a new job with a raise!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and become a bigger winner step by step.

there is even a chance to possib get action, if there are any single gurls there partying at the wedding. wouldn’t mind getting some nonstripper, nonhooker action!

cons are that its a ridiculously long drive. insanely. pro: he would be driving hehehe. but it would be kinda fun, never did a “road trip” like this ever, and I am getting a little old for Traveling. Yes of COURSE I should have Studied Abroad when I was in College. of COURSE. I do have a bit of a travel bug but i have never had the resources to do so.

like a 21 hour drive ONE WAY. like 1400 miles. ONE WAY. well…..pretty sure there would be at least one other guy. so, min 3 guys driving, could easily take 7 hour shifts and knock out the drive in one 24 hour day. one way, hehehe.

i dunno. again, this is prob a SIGN from HIGHER POWER. prob my last good chance to do something like this. and there are NO mixed feels about the guy, couldn’t have ASKED for a better guy. so i guess higher power is pushing me to do it, and i SHOULD do it.

of course, if I am hired back, then I can’t. but If I’m still laid off, then I should.