ON THE JOB TRAINING IS NOT TRAINING AT ALL

aug 27

sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit.

i mean i study the companies before doing the interviews. i write thank you emails. i dress nice. i shave my face. i act very interested in the job. i ask questions at the end. what the hell am i doing wrong hahahaha. my fatal flaw is that i get a little nervous. and that i have such a long GAP. something must be DEEPLY WRONG with me. he needs SERIOUS HELP. he SHOULDNT BE working. or, he thinks hes gonna work HERE? HA! he needs to PAY HIS DUES first! get a job at walmart or mcdonalds or a shitty restaurant or call center, show that youre WILLING TO WORK first, before you can get an AWESOME job like this!

this is for that phone interview on monday. looks like the company is more reputable than i thought. winning all these best places to work awards, having many skilled and respected engineers, a destination kind of employer, that only wants the best of the best. which i am not. but i was when i was 17-18!

also my problem is that i cant just suck it up and live through a shitty job. it breaks me down into a Dumpster Fire and then I end up Committing Career Suicide and moving DOWN the career ladder ultimately. i dont really pay dues but get actively punished.

then i see all the people with engin degrees working for this palce, making 60k, thinking DAMN, I went to a TOP SKOOL, I went to a better skool than THEY did, why didnt I just get a damn ENGIN degree, then I could be making 60k too, I could have a wife and a FAMILY, and a good job, instead of being a huge neet loser who cant deal with LIFE.

and get angry and discouraged and slow down on muh job search hahaha.

yeah well today i am studying the company so i sound informed on muh 15 minute phone interview monday. see if its enough to overcompensate and get me a physical interview. prob not hahahaha.

then tomorrow i will study the company for tuesday int. much more of a blue collar place. but they are big and they have been around a while. not some fly by night arab company hahahaha. or shitty crab people asian company.

shit i had way more confidence in 2013 when i was working my mickey mouse job and was becoming close friends with That Woman.

see im desperate but i also cant take just any job because if i take a super shitty call center or customer service job, i am very worried about muh emotional health, and would i snap and quit. i dont want to put myself into a position like that so i avoid applying for those kinda jobs. high stress jobs hahahaha.

thinking about partying tonight with a valium nyquil combo. it is saturday nigth after all.

so, have a better feeling about the tuesday interview than the monday interview as a job i could actually GET. but i feel the monday place would be more fun and chill and better workplace than the tuesday place. well of COURSE its HARD to get into a GOOD workplace! the easier the job is to get, the WORSE the job is gonna be, the more it is gonna push you to your Limit.  and not in the good way hahahaha.

aug 28

took the valium nyquil combo around 645 pm, did 4.2 mile powerwalk, went to bed, slept pretty good. the combo i guess chilled me out a little bit and made me sleep good. would still prefer partaking MJ hahahaha.

it shuts your mind down, you cant think negative thoughts because it takes too much effort to think at all hahahaha. in other words it might be difficult to WORK, where you are trying to solve problems and bullshit on your feet all day. explaining and bullshitting and coming up with plans and reasons and explanations and answers and solutions.

sheeeeeeeit. it might be That Womans birthday very very soon. thankfully it doesnt bother me as much as youd think it would. one of my goals was to spend a womans birthday with her and have birthday cuddling with them, or having them spend my birthday with me and have birthday cuddling. or secs. or handholding. or making out. or hanging out.

never happened though hahahahahahaha. 2 years ago i went to dinner with my female friend and it was near her birthday and i was right on the CUSP of starting to feel differently about her. but not quite sure i was there yet. but i was getting very close.

in fact i wasnt even sure what her exact birthday was. it takes a while before someones birthday is a big deal for you.  you gotta know them at least a year.

and the next year of course i would ahve really liked to spend her bday with her but by that time we were DONE.

and now we’ve been DONE for a full YEAR after that.

i heard this song when this album came out in 1998, 18 years ago hahahaha and i was a stupid angsty high schooler listening to the weekly radio metal show. i thought the song was very catchy and epic and it was the first time i enjoyed anything like power metal.

i never listened to the whole album. i will now give it a chance hehehehe.

hmm very sleepy and tired today, the day after the nyquil. i guess thats not suprising.

cheap “skullcandy” earbuds lasted only 2 weeks. what cheap chinese crap. one ear went out then the other ear went out very quickly. one ear is bad enough and time to buy a new pair of cheap chinese throwaway garbage.

537 that is my new goal hahahaha. 537 job applications hahahaha. i get 1 interview for roughly every 21.4 applications hehehehe. and so if i want 25 interviews, then 537.

i am “only” at 386 so far.

i have been slowing down lately, getting a bit discouraged.

maybe i should contact her on her birthday hahahahahahaha. no i am just joking.

 

did SHE ever contact ME on MY birthday? HELL NO! she didnt even KNOW when my birthday was! although i kinda make it hard. you have to ask me and then mark it down on your calendar. which nobody does because they just use facebook to remember birthdays hahahaha.

but yeah at one time she was a real friend and i havent found any new friends to fill that friend gap. and i liked having that kind of person playing that kind of role in my life. i mean shit it was a two way street too, i was playing the same role in her life too.

ok  went to shitstore and bought some shitty 10 dollar sony earbuds that i HOPE will last 1 month.

listen to some of the hammerfall album, see if its any good. need more positive shit hahahaha.

was listening to george feels and he had a very sad pathetic feelsy video and i was like yep i shouldnt listen to this, this is not gonna help me. something basically how he had done nothing with the past 3 years of his life, his biggest accomplishment was not jerking off for 100 days hahahaha. in 3 fookin years. so he felt bad about that and then i felt bad too about not accomplishing anything with my life either hahaha.

well i did accomplish a bit in the past 3 years: moved from old job to new job, became close friends with that woman, pushed myself to the limit with new job, did some super amazing shit that i lose sight of now, and cant convince employers that once i was valuable hahahaha, went on road trip with old friend, fell in luv with female friend, saw 3 classic concerts, discovered trs, and then shit started going bad, rel with woman fell apart, lost job, got dumped, was in a state of deep despair for months, started a gym membership for the first time in life, lost 30 pounds, applied to 386 jobs and went on 18 interviews, got 2 new good suits. so yeah id say i accomplished more than george hahahahaha in the past 3 years. there was some epically BAD shit, as well as some pretty good shit too, but the bad shit has been what i remembered most and what i am lingering in now.

anyway POINT IS, there was plenty of good shit or not bad shit, or at least forward moment or personal improvement.

but all the good shit happened in the first half, and all the bad shit happened in the second half, so the bad shit is all i remember.

well, losing the 30 pounds is a big deal and i am doing that right now.

so is buying the suit, and doing the interviews.

but the interviews also suck because they dont lead to anything.

inherently, the interviews are a good thing and i should view them as such, rather than DISQUALIFYING THE POSITIVE. and saying yeah interviews a normally all right, but THESE interviews arent so good because they dont RESULT in anything.

yes in our results oriented world its difficult saying something that doesnt have any results is a good thing.

but each abortion failure of an interview hahahaha is getting me closer to my goal of 25.

and the interviews arent really abortion failures. i look all right, i sound smart, although a little nervous, i show that ive done my homework on the company, i write thank you notes, i am one of 4 finalists for a 45k job, i mean come on these are all good things.

but the overall general shame of being an unemployable neet bum is SUCH MAGNITUDE hehehehe that it casts a shadow on all the other shit.

anyway, point is, there is a DECENT AMOUNT of good stuff ive done the past 3 years…..its just overshadowed by the bad shit because the bad shit was more recent, and honestly it was ABSOLUTELY DEVASTATING. it was probably greater magnitude than the positive stuff was positive. but there WAS still somewhat DECENT magnitude of positiveness on the positive stuff.

PLUS, we always interpret bad things worse than we interpret good things as good. in other words, really good shit WEARS OFF QUICKLY, while bad shit lingers. so we need like 5 good things to lift us up for every 1 bad thing. defeat feels much worse than victory feels good. FACT.

anyway point is george has his more positive videos and his more negative videos, and i should stay away from the neg ones. and so should he. being that we are very much alike and struggle with the same problems.

and just like him i need to focus on the positive and essentially IGNORE the negative. because its focusing on the negative and IGNORING THE POSITIVE that has gotten us in this horrible mindset. low energy, very low confidence, lazy, neet, in a rut, spinning the wheels, not trying, giving up easily, defeatist, etc.

i listened to a bit of the hammerfall and it made me want to listen to judas priest “painkiller” so i did. i guess they have similar sounding productions and the drum bit at the beginning of the album is a direct tribute to painkiller possibly. but the hammerfall is definitely a bit more “power metal” and the singer doesnt really sound like halford. which is FINE. halford is awesome, but i wanted something a bit more power metally anyway. like ridiculous, somewhat epic songs and songs about warriors and courage and all that. whereas judas priest is arguably not very power metally while at the same time influencing every power metal band….they never fully went that way themselves, because they were sorta reinventing themselves on every album.

probably iron maiden is the more power metally band.

 

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HAVING SOMEONE CHECK YOUR WORK IS HAND HOLDING

apr 6

how do you assure someone that something is correct/right when you’re not sure that it is?

like something looks like it could be right, but you’re just not sure?

like doing a huge math problem and you’re not sure if you’re correct, or close, or not even close, because you have no idea what’s even reasonable?

or your excel vlookup function skipped a data point for some reason, and you don’t know why, but that skipped piece of data make a YUGE difference for your bullshit “recommendations” and “advice.” but just looking at the results, you can’t tell if anything is WRONG or not. you just assume your Tool, the vlookup, is working as intended. and it is. it just has tricky little pitfalls where its hard to tell if its pitfalling.

well you said you were an expert at excel and knew all about vlookup! this falls on your shoulders!

http://www.bayt.com/en/specialties/q/3488/what-are-the-limitations-and-dangers-of-using-vlookup-in-excel/

my concern is that it will only return the FIRST match. it might be important to find those other matches. I cant even think of an example.

and you have people with a lot more experience making a lot more money than me asking these questions on forums.

again probably the best thing is to take someone who CAN help you from your workplace out for dinner and drinks, pay for the dinner and drinks, and Pick Their Brain. of course they probably want to get home to their family after an exhausting 16 hour day. not getting paid overtime becuase they exempt hahaha. salary. making 30 grand a year for 80 hours a week.  which breaks down to like 10 dollars an hour hahaha.  good job.

http://exceluser.com/formulas/excels-vlookup-vs-index-match-functions.htm#The Limitations of VLOOKUP and HLOOKUP

also vlookup can’t return values to the left of the…column its looking up??

only to the right. not sure why. its a limitation of the software. its working as intended. take it up with microsoft.

or just use an INDEX/MATCH hehehehe. yep just use it.

THAT WOMAN wouldnt be able to figure any of this out! she cant even spell YOU’RE correctly!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://chandoo.org/wp/2010/11/01/vlookup-excel-formula/

http://www.exceluser.com/formulas/excels-vlookup-vs-index-match-functions.htm

ok its official. index match is better than vlookup. tell your interviewer that.

http://www.mbaexcel.com/excel/why-index-match-is-better-than-vlookup/

phaggots who have good jobs are still using vlookups like amateur 19 year olds in a call center hahaha

like babes in the woods who never had a meeting with someone who actually knows what they are doing, so as to make sure everyone is using Best Practices.

is that HAND HOLDING. ???

lets see. i was officially rejected for a Press Operator job, not enough experience hahaha.

“”” After careful consideration of all candidates, unfortunately on this occasion we will not be taking your application further. The general standard of applications has been extremely high and we have shortlisted candidates whose skill sets are more closely matched to the role requirements. “””

example of the language used by the Recruiting Team

i am not sure the IT Recruiter got my email about me not being a Good Fit for the Call Center. cuz i got a new mass email sent to about 7 people, get to see their names and emails and all, real professional ya damn moron hahaha. way to not share my email with potential scammers hahaha. guess she didnt get a meeting teaching her that this was not best practice. she has NO IDEA.

that feel when you HAVE NO IDEA that you are doing something wrong. hahahaha.  total unknown unknowns.

but asking for clarification would be considered hand holding.

well you cant have them check the whole damn thing. you have to ask them small direct questions. meaning that you have to have some sort of intuition that showing the emails is not best practice. and then ask about it. but if you didnt have that intuition……..????

well heres the thing. uhh forgot it. mind is rekt hahaha. cant make good decisions. just flip a coin. oh yeah. its EASY to get a call center job. I just had ANOTHER recruiter email me TODAY about ANOTHER call center job. its RIDICULOUS. I could basically get a call center job EASILY AND make decent money doing it. but i am so fooking against it.

ok the point is, i don’t NEED a damn RECRUITER, I can just go to the companys website LATER and apply directly with the company if I CHANGE my mind.  i can always come back to this damn company and get a job directly through THEM. and THESE are the jobs RECRUITERS are RECRUITING people for? you dont NEED a RECRUITER to get you these jobs. i am wondering why the company is paying this recruiter? dont they have their own recruitment team? talent acquisition hahaha.

but maybe they get so many “unqualified” applicants they need to Outsource their Talent Acquisition?  i dont know. just guessing.

but the qualifications for a job like this are very low. just have some basic computer knowledge. period. you really dont need to be smart. but you DO need to be kinda TOUGH.

i would maybe do something where you take inbound phones PART of the day, like a few hours at most, but more than 4 hours on inbound phones is ROUGH.

how can you answer questions and make recommendations and explain shit when YOU dont know whats going on???!?!?!?!

i just felt ON EDGE ALL THE TIME, you never forget that feeling. didnt have that at my previous job hahaha. of course that was a much less serious job.

heh. i wish i never met her. i wish i had never taken that stupid call center job with her. never even saw that stupid world. yeah i made some money, but…….over the long term, i didnt make that much more money than I would have at my prev job, considered all the time I have been Not Working hahahaha. I am Disabled, I am Unable To Work, hahahahaha.

some guys lose their frame and their man-hand and their relationship suffers. their GF becomes a bigger bitch, just bitchy and not nice. then the guys gradually start being more masculine, standing up the bitch more, putting the bitch in her place hahaha, and gradually her behavior gets better again. she starts being nice and pleasant again. maybe stops porking up so much. is happier and nicer. you hear stories like that sometimes.

what i hear is that the GF/wife did not DUMP THE GUY IMMEDIATELY. she essentially GAVE HIM A CHANCE. gave him time. she didnt LEAVE him immediately. she was bitchy and fat and mean, but she stuck around. that’s worth something.

she didnt leave you and never talk to you again. totally abandon and block you. she was being a fat bitch, but she didn’t abandon you. maybe she didnt even CHEAT on you! so i have to give the fat bitches a little CREDIT for not abandoning, and not cheating hahahaha. they gave you a chance to step your game up. I did not get that chance at all.

because in these cases, your gf/wife is still talking to you, still hanging out with you, still maybe even begrudgingly having S with you. you have MORE THAN ENOUGH OPPORTUNITY to TALK to her. you still SPEND TIME together one on one. i did not have that LUXURY whatsoEVER.

wanna go to fatclub soon, i have made a mental note that a very qt gurl is there at 130 pm on wednesday sometimes. unfort she reminds me of That Person because they both have long legs and arms……but maybe that is just my type. i really dont like stumpy, and i really do like long legs, which usually corrolate with long arms.

how do you minimze risks if you dont know what the risks are?

driving a car or having S, the risks are obvious. screaming obvious.

but the risks of using vlookup on this particular set of data……….not nearly as obvious. i dont know why i am so fixated on this example.

or the risks of doing a complicated procedure where you’re not sure if what you’re getting is RIGHT or WRONG.

when you cant differentiate between right and wrong, how do you know what the RISKS are?

this is why i like having someone who can check my work, a SECOND SET OF EYES on the work. how is that HAND HOLDING?

FOOKKKK!!!

but if black women are smart enough to do this job, then i should be, right?

i mean they get shit on by the asshole callers, cuz they hear from their voice, oh its a black woman, therefore they are an idiot and are gonna really fook this up. which i agree is horrible. i am a proud white supremacist who wants an all-white country and for women Not To Work, but I don’t think you should make a hard job even harder for a black woman. its a hard job for all of us.

http://songmeanings.com/songs/view/3530822107858652921/

SO…..supposedly peter steele accepted being a Catholic after his mother died and he was having a shitty life, drinking too much, too much coke, going to jail. then he got out and life was getting better, got off drugs, found Religion, and did the last TON album Dead Again which I was never familiar with, but supposedly here is where he has Pro-Catholic lyrics. then a few years later he died. That really sucks, I always come back to TON and relate with Pete’s Pain. It is very similar to my own. except he was very musically talented and physically alpha/macho/masculine, so he could always pull bitches. i guess he wasnt particularly happy with all those goth sluts though. he probably would have preferred a normal nice gurl and not some goth skank.

anyway i will now study the lyrics to his catholic anti-abortion song, which some of TON’s edgy atheist fans furrowed their brow that their god peter was becoming a theist. i say GOOD FOR HIM!!!!

well the song seems to condemn abortion and it almost seems to condemn ISRAHELL!!! whoa did not expect that. Actually the lyrics seem confusing and just not super good.

i guarantee he was bipolar!!!! also i think he was in a psych ward around this time as well.

either way its good that he got off drugs and alcohol, and its good that he accepted JC hahaha, and seemed more healthy and at peace. and THEN he died. would have been REAL interesting to see what he would ahve done after. maybe quit the degenerate life, find a decent woman and not a damn groupie or stripper, have some damn children. i bet that would have had an effect on his songwriting. although other musicians don’t really get better when they have children hahaha.  for example i dont really bother listening to varg vikernes music anymore. but his political views and his beautiful family are all very great things!!!!

yeah i unfortunately never saw TON live. i do regret that since I knew of them for many years and was a fan for like 12 years before pete died! i became a fan just as october rust came out in 1997ish. brand new album and I was a young teen and I thought it was super awesome. great nostalgia and memories there. i assume the album will still sound great. putting it on music player right now.

1996. really. maybe i got it in 1997. or 1996.

apr 7

aplied for job as “Dorn Operator.” I have no earthly idea what a DORN is, but posting implies it is similar to a CNC machine hahaha.  received rejection letter within 1 hour, a new record! probably because I was honest about not having 1 year of CNC experience. DAMN there goes muh 12 DAHJ!

This is a learning position and requires a willingness to learn through self-study in addition to extensive training and work in conjunction with Underwriters.

for an underwriting assistant job hahaha. meaning study outside of work. hmm i thought all jobs were like that. i might kinda like that this one was honest enough to say it.

i work 25% slower than the average employee, therefore i have to stay 25% longer unpaid to get the work done. but what if its a salary job and everybody works 50 hours a week? then I have to work 60 hours a week to do the same amount. cuz i hate being rushed. they rush you to do eerything faster and faster, but then quality sufferes, and then they btich about that.

but OBVIOUSLY Speed is more important than quality. or safety.

so find ways to cut corners and cover your ass regarding quality hahaha. so stupid.

i really want to listen to the type o negative album “dead again” but every time I’ve listened to it, it’s kidna disappointing. I have been in this exact mood before, i always forget. same motivation: peter getting his life together, he dindu nuffin, it’s probably better than the previous album “life is killing me” which is universally regarded as the worst TON album. Note: I stopped paying attention to them when “world coming down” came out. i was all on board with october rust but had jumped the ship by world coming down, not sure why. because i was interested in more “heavy” stuff. but i guess WCD was pretty heavy i hear.

i then worried that I might convince myself to take the call center job, and then it turns out SHE works there hahahaha. this is the shit iworry about. I would probably approach her and say you hurt me a lot, I wish you hadnt done that, I wish you would apologize to me, do you have any remorse for what you did, and she would prob say you’re the weirdo, stay away from me, im not talking to you. no remorse.

the point is: i will ALWAYS be in the losing position here, always being punched down on. because i had feelings, she didnt, i was heartbroken, she wasnt, so me seeing her at work every day would be EXTREMELy PAINFUL (for me hahaha) but NOT for her. if i worked with her, she wouldnt care, but I would go crazy again. I literally NEVER want to see her ever again, especially not at work. i would let her apologize to me and change her mind. but to enter a workplace where i saw her every day, nope. I would probably quit again.

she wouldn’t care, it wouldn’t bother her, but it would bother the SHIT out of me. because I luv her and she has nothing for me. she is DONE with me.

don’t you CARE when you are hurting someones feelings hahaha?

i mean when you are friends for 2.5 (2.7) years, not when you are men doing the bantz and calling each other phaggot moron virgins at work.

it bothers me that she could work with me and ignore me entirely and go on with her life, whereas if i worked with her i would go fooking crazy.

i mean if my female friend fell in luv with me i would FEEL BAD and TRY NOT TO HURT THEIR FEELINGS. and if i knew we had to WORK TOGETHER, I knew the best way to do that would be to have long converstaions and try to smooth the shitty situation over.

but i have incomplete information. maybe she would go absolutely crazy and quit over the course of 2 weeks, a month. I just went crazy IMMEDIATELY.  quicker than her. which makes sense.

i would be bothered at least a little bit if I had to work with someone whose heart i BROKE. I would feel bad about breaking someones heart. I never broke a gurls heart before, I never had a gurl like me one sided. I never dumped a gurl hahahaha.

when a loved one dumps you, you feel GUTTED. totally GUTTED.

especially when they dump you in a harsh mean cold way and you work together hahaha.

takes a while for that GUTTED feeling to wear off.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Cowards-Guide-Conflict-Empowering-ebook/dp/B0022VV0YA/ref=pd_sim_351_2?ie=UTF8&dpID=51XZeX9K-TL&dpSrc=sims&preST=_OU01_AC_UL320_SR248%2C320_&refRID=0TC91Q6KBPA5WER0C3YG

the cowards guide to conflict, i should have given her a copy of this book hahahaha

was thinking of getting on for myself, how to have difficult conversations. nope i cant help you and nope i cant explain it and nope i can’t transfer you to a level 2. you can call back and get another level 1, hopefully someone better than me!

how do you know if something is right if you don’t know what right looks like?

you dont! you CANT!!!!

anyway i was the one wiht the PROBLEM. she didnt have a PROBLEM other than me, I was her problem, and when I was gone she was happy. but she also was very willing to ignore me.

again I don’t know if she would have Cracked if I had been tough enough to play Chicken for a while. I think she still cared about me enough that she WOULD have cracked.

but i wish she hadnt been so offended and disgusted by me getting feelings. come on. im not THAT bad!!!!!

or how about you send me a 1 paragraph message explaining why when you unfriend me. are you mad at me? hate me? feel I betrayed you? do hate me? dont hate me? there actually are a lot of unknowns behind somebody unfriending you. you want to know the feelings behind them unfriending you. namely, do they hate you or not, could you ever just talk about the damn rel, can this be fixed or not.

cuz it really sucks when one person hates the other one but the other one doesnt hate them, they are begging please dont hate me, dont do this to me. i shouldnt have to beg hahahaha.  though im not to PROUD to beg. but she shouldnt avoid so much that i HAVE to beg.

dont make me beg. i wouldnt have made you beg. i would had RESPONDED to you. I would have hung out wiht you and LET you TALK to me.

looks like meats back on the menu boys

tonight we will taste manflesh!!!

turns out both of these lines come from lord of the rings.  couldnt remember. decent lines.

of course i refuse to watch the hobbit. but LOTR was okay movies. wouldnt mind watching them with a nice qt gf hahahaha like my female friend. cant you see? this is LUV!!!

treat my HEART with a little more kindness and respect! dont crush and destroy and throw my HEART away! be CAREFUL with it!!!!

and you kinda expect your friend of 2.7 years to be CAREFUL with your HEART.

but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

138 calories over my calorie budget. GOT to go to gym today and burn those off.

pizza and pasta. will do it every time.

have lost 1 pound in the last month. i really hope this is due to gianing muscle, and water weight….and not a result of vastly undercounting muh calories!!!!!

i guess peter steele still drank a little after leaving rehab. he supposedly cut back on the coke and booze but sometimes fell off the wagon. he said he first used coke at age 35, kinda a late bloomer hahaha. he died at age 48. rehab was at around age 45 or so.

also i guess his weight was up and down. sometimes he gained a lot of weight and supposedly liked KFC.

well he never lost his beautiful hair hahaha.

not sure if he was a cigarette smoker. wouldnt be surprised.

i guess i am butthurt by people that go to rehab but then afterwards they drink “IN MODERATION.”

also he was always dating strippers and cheating women. come on. just find a nice catholic virgin hahaha.

i hate to idolize a musician because theyre ALL degenerates. peter steele included. but he did some good and i think had the potential to be a nondegenerate. he admitted he was bipolar. and ocd. and add. hahaha. i think coke is not a good thing for peopel like this, really makes them go crazy. probably even more than booze.

ok think i got 6 applications done today, maybe 7. thats not bad hahaha.

heh. i hate how she DIDNT EVEN TRY not to break my heart. she could have made a good faith effort, done SOMETHING, ANYTHING.

she honestly didnt seem like the type of person who WOULDNT MAKE ANY EFFORT AT ALL, FOR ME. I thought for SURE she cared about me enough to make a LITTLE effort. to spare my feelings that is.

and maybe she did! she was just too cowardly.