june 29


how many job apps a day do i need to do to Feel OK about uh self? 5? 8? 10? 14? 20? obviously, the higher the better. because my new goal is to get to 500 job apps and maybe by then i will have a yob hahahaha. at 200 now.

well, how abotu 420 hahaha.

so not to DOX too much but at our weekly social game night we have a guy who has been “glomming” onto our group for a Long Time, like almost 2 years, and he has a reputation for being Drunk, Obnoxious, and Overbearing. It has gradually been getting Worse instead of better and our Group Leadership is reaching a point where they want to Dump this guy, but of course that would involve a difficult conversation.

i could not help but see the parallels between this and my situation, especially when Our Leader said half-jokingly that he wished he could just “GHOST” the guy.

HOWEVER there are also such important differences that this is APPLES AND ORANGES from my situation with the woman.

in other words, it would behoove me not to dwell on the tiny similairities here, but instead the big differneces.

because basically i dont want to be like this guy, also, this does not involve a close connection between two people, but a casual connection to a social group for a specific gaming night.

also he has a pattern of this type of behavior, and has been pushed away from other groups for the exact same reason.

but yeah i hate to think i was like HIM to HER.

but i WASNT, because we had a real friendship.

even APART from the Special Feelings which I had, BEFORE all that shit, it was STILL a Good Close Friendship. something real and long term and valuable and worth something. even BEFORE I got feelings. and you cant just throw something of Value away like that.

but yeah it was a good example of a Negative Cognitive Distortion (Despair Causing) when I thought O GOD IM JUST LIKE HIM to HER. I was so overbearing that I got what I deserved, i couldnt take a hint, couldnt see the writing on the wall.

sort of….but the relationship was TOTALLYYYYYYYYYYYY different from this social group. I am not particularly intimate or super-close with any of the men, and I felt I was closer and more intimate with Her than with Them.

not that they are bad guys! the relationship is just very well-defined and compartmentalized.

even this drunk guy is not a bad guy per se….he just gets very overbearing when drinking. he is normally overbearing but its somewhat tolerable when sober, but he is unfort a bit of a habitual drinker, often pre-drinking before showng up to the pub, where he drinks some more and get incoherent, slurring the words drunk.

but he is not a physical or confrontational guy, rather he is desperate to Belong and Fit In and be Connected and Be Accepted and Have Friends. which are very legitimate desires which we ALL have. so i cant blame him for that.

but his personality and his drinking just push everyone away!

so i thought oh god what if my personality just pushes peopel away!

also i USED to be an obnoxious drunk like that who annoyed people with my drunkenness. but i totally changed that and stopped drinking altogether.

anyway  i hate to think she viewed ME like our group views HIM. just an annoying nuisance who needs to be kicked out because its just gotten to be Too Much and it makes the event less fun.

but again, APPLES AND ORANGES, because its a totally different type of relationship!!!!!!

now he is very bitter towards his ex wife, and i am SURE his behavior had something to do with that.

but im sure she gave him time. i mean they had to be MARRIED for like 10 years, they had a kid, etc.

but he managed to apparently make good money and retire at a very below average age and now has plenty of money to drink yikes.

its SAD really because hes not a bad guy, and there is some good raw material there. its TRAGIC how he pushes people away. its like a sad little boy who just wanted friends but he was just too much to handle so no one wanted to be friends with him.

and i hate to be like THAT!


heheheh good anti gay article at daily stormer

mein negers hahahaha

i just gave andy anglin ANOTHER 50 cents the other day when he was having 503 server overload hehehe

but yeah I WAS OVERBEARING AND somehwat obnoxious i admit it…..but dont ghost me bro hahaha. i wasnt just glomming on to you. you used to show an interest in ME and said i was a good friend and i thought you were a good friend and things were good for almost 2 years and we got along really well. didnt THAT mean anything to you? didnt THAT build any goodwill? dont you think that earns me more than a Ghosting? i wasnt just some overbearing hanger-on. I was a REAL TRUEFRIEND.

i was a true friend, not some weird guy you just temporarily tolerated.

so i think i had EARNED better response to my weirdness, when I got weird.

protein powder + whole milk + coffee oh yeah hahaha.

some companies do not post on indeed at all but you can find them all over MONSTER. learn how to set up company alerts to email you immediately wiht new postings, from monster, careerbuilder as well as indeed.

references OTHER than previous employers and relatives??? AND relatives???? OTHER than previous employers??? wtf???

also applications that demand a full 15 year record INCLUDING explanation for ALL gaps.

i guess they are intentionally trying to limit their applicant pool….which is good for me, right?


Non Smoker

Does Not require Medical Benefits

hehehehe wow theres a new one, see something new every day. so you want medical benefits? NOT WITH US! you’re not GOOD ENOUGH to DESERVE medical benefits! you gotta PAY YOUR DUES before you can get a job with BENNIES!

was at the Supermarket and I saw a woman driving a car in the parking lot that looked SO MUCH like her. i thought it WAS her.

it wasnt the car i remember her having, but she could ostensibly have gotten a different car, there was a vanity license plate which she probably wouldnt get. there was a man in the passenger seat.

maybe she got a new boifran and is driving his car because he is in a bad mood or his license is suspended hahahaha. at least the guy was white hahaha.

hut yeah its hard to see a person driving a car 15 feet away, i tried as best i could, and all i could tell was that they looked very similar to That Woman. but this has happened occasionally. Every 25 year old white gurl with long dark hair wearing sunglasses I think is HER.

so, it probably WASNT her, but I still dont like seeing people that remind me of HER.

ok got it up (hehehe) to eight legit applications today. that was muh goal and i wasnt sure if i would get there. so good for me and have some grade A and B+ postings to do tomorrow.

or how about i need to get 100 rejection emails? only have 42 so far hehehe.

heh this is how i should be approaching WOMEN. 8-10 25 year old, no children, n < 5, white women PER DAY. hahahaha because there are a shitload of women like that.

hey you cant make a whore into a housewife. once a slut always a slut. better to have tendies than roasties hahahaha.

yeah i hate seeing women that look like her. reminds me of her. and we used to have something really GOOD. even BEFORE I fell in feelings with her, we had something very good and important and valuable.  now absolutely nothing but pain and bitterness and some regret.

some really good times like i never had with a woman……..but also some reallllllll baddddddd times that I think outweighed the good times.

but i want to have those kind of good times with a woman. but i still want HER to be that woman. i have not gotten over HER in other words and that will still take awhile.

but yeah you cant make a degenerate into a nondegenerate hahaha.

well sure you can! I changed my ways didn’t I?

i just think its apples and oranges when you are talking about an n > 4 woman. those are people you’re talking about. not like drugs or alcohol or some inanimate object. and that is the Life Creation Process we’re talking about, not just Getting Loaded.



but yeah you fear that how can something THIS special happen more than ONCE in your life. i mean it feels like a once in a lifetime thing. moreover, how the hell is it gonna happen in like the medium term of the next ten years, because you want to find a woman under 30 so she can have damn CHILDREN, and having CHILDREN is VERY affected by age. Like yeah kinda stupid if I am 80 years old and finally find true luv again with some 70 year old woman. realllll fooking stupid. i think you only fall in true luv IF they are in fact YOUNG enough to be fairly fertile. in other words, being of Fertile Age can CAUSE luv. or its a PREREQUISITE. you’re not gonna fall in luv with a woman past the age of child bearing.

in other words, LOVE is Child-Focused, or at least, Reproduction-Focused. Life-Creation-Focused.

june 30.

ayo hol up. so i just got a sort of rejection email from the POST OFFICE saying that there is an exam requirement, and the maximum number of exam takers has been reached so….i am out of luck. this is for the carrier job. well sheeeit i already took the 473 exam or whatever and did pretty good on it. this is NOT the PSE mail processor job i had the more in depth interview for. but THEY said yeah we dont really have an exame for this job. in other words, i thought the exam i actually took was for this darn CARRIER position (also PSE I’m sure) which i got the email abotu today. so what if the tests are full? I ALREADY TOOK THE TEST ALMOST 2 MONTHS AGO!

anyway like i say i am very negative about the post office hahaha

but yeah technically yesterday was pretty good. got 8 legit applications in, got a 5 mile walk in the BEAUTIFUL sun, have to maximize that. made some cigarets, went to social gaming night, listened to the fatherland.

3 applications in before 12 pm hahahaha that is pretty good for me

did not have any interviews this week. ideally i would have 1 or 2 every week.

shit. got 7 done by 2:30 pm. so close to 8. gotta do it. gotta PUT IN THE REPS even when youre not getting results hehehe.

wewlad, 226 applied jobs now. got muh 8th in at a “business process services” place ie a possibly glorified kinkos hehehe.

so now would be the perfect time to go Find Leads. Originate Shit to apply to muh 8 tomorrow.

newest dark tranquillity album does not sound bad or even boring at all. he brings back the cleans a bit! and he has good cleans.

idiot on youtube says insomnium is way better than dark tranquillity. wow just wow. i cant even. no just no. um yeah no. you seem fun. you seem smart ahhahahaha.

im 12 and what is this

heh you know you are old when you dont have to make excuses to enjoy at the gates “slaughter of the soul”, or preface this with a bunch of apologies and qualifiers and ironies. because you are so old that you listened to it within 5 years of it coming out. but 10 to 15 years after it came out, it was reviled as the harbinger of super derivative and boring Melodeth that was just being copied and copied to death. yeah well i never listened to that shit. I just listened to SOTS when I was 17 and there was not really a New Wave of Melodeth. When dark tranquillity and in flames were still young and exciting bands. I actually saw DT and IF on tour together in concert. that was a good show. small club in….2002?

i didnt know much of in flames but they were headlining and they were real good.

but i did know some of DT and they were really really good and should have been headlining imho. but in flames was suprisingly good too.

and then in flames got crapped on to no end later, as did at the gates. DT got crapped on the least.

none of them really deserves to get crapped on!

good live recording of DT in 2009 (actually 2008). by this time i had tuned out of DT but i sort of came back later and caught up. good band. massive respect. I really should try to see them live again. it has been like 14 years since i saw them that one time hahaha.

well it is 4th of july weekend. all the managers and powerful peopel will be taking a long weekend so i prob didnt have a lot of chance to have an interview this week, and maybe the shit will pour in NEXT week, after the holiday.

rejection email for 35k a year admin asst job, a rare FT job at this place i would liek to get in. 28 days after the application.

heheheh so youre saying i should not expect much from those 40k jobs i applied to recently hehehe.

uh yeah i think i might be saying that? i dunno know and i cant get any clarification, so….you just have to take my not so good guess hahahaha.  IT IS WHAT IT IS.

anyway DT actually make playing live look fun and remind me of why I wanted to do it. doesn’t mean they cant be degenerates tho.

but its hard for people who want to live a nondegenerate life of having wife and keeids.

oh you mean doing drugs and alcohol and banging degen disease sluts and acting like ingras all the time gets old? hahaha.


oh good for them, they’re not even so drunk they can’t play their instruments for the people who paid 30 bucks to see them hahaha. good for them. i dont show up so drunk to work every day that i cant do my job. when i had a job hahahaha.

see i experienced the drugs and alcohol but i never experienced the banging sluts. like a revolving door of white trash sluts with their own drinking and drug problems. i banged a very middle class slut once who went on to have a great career despite her bipolar hahahaha. although I’m pretty sure her marriage failed LOL. because she’s a bipolar slut who is probably really bad at relationshits hahaha.

well she’s good at career though. I am bad at both relationships AND career!

well at least I’m not BIPOLAR!

well i might be hahaha. give it another 10 years of Treatment Resistant Depression and Shitty High Stress Jobs and Woman Hating, hahaha.

its really not hard to like women if they’re not bitchy to you.

put another way, its really easy to overlook their major shortcomings when they are making an effort to be NICE to you!

if a job is in a Call Center, they should say that up front. You shouldn’t have to have a damn INTERVIEW to find out its in a Call Center. And also you have to ask them at the interview: yes or no. is this in a call center. and give me an idea of the pay. like, i will apply for a 30k job and feel pretty entitled. I apply to a 40k job and I know that is a Huge Reach, and maybe I shouldnt even waste my time.

but I would be most HOPEFUL about a….25-28k job. or a 14-15 DAH job. and you dont see a lot of postings advertising something in that sweet spot. you will see postings of 9 DAH or 20 DAH, with nothing in between hehehe.

well what I want is 14 DAH…..and no jobs will publicly post that wage.

hey really good sound on that live album above. that is NOT easy to do with a live metal recording. the vast majority of metal live recordings are shitty hehehe. can only listen to them if you are a Huge Fan In The Mood. but this one will make you a huge fan and put you in the mood!

heh. i wish i could just go back to drinking. its something social to do. you go out with people and you DRINK. and hopefully they like you because you are out socializing and DRINKING with them. I guess I could bring MJ to these sorts of things…..but i dont like doing MJ with people unless I feel Super Close with them. I always feel very Self Conscious, liek people are Judging me.

so it says a lot that I really WANTED to smoke MJ with That Woman…..when NORMALLY I dont want to smoke MJ with ANYBODY.

thats actually a good measure for how close of a friend they are: would you want to smoke MJ with them, or would you just get nervous around them?

a “good alternative” to me drinking would be me doing BENZOS hahaha. but I would need to take a COUPLE. take at LEAST 2 valiums or xanaxs, if not 3.

some women will stubbornly stay with and NOT give up their boifrands who are depressed or otherwise Not Right hehehe.  I have to think that these men are extremely masculine otherwise, because Depression (Despair) makes a man less masculine and essentially makes him VERY unattractive to women, in other words, it will drive women away, and you can’t expect ANY woman to Be There For You during your Hard Times, because your Hard Times will make you very repulsive, and you will push them away.

Now I’m not saying your GF Waifu should help Cure Your Issues. I AM saying they should Stand By You and Support You while you DEAL with the Ups and The Downs. And now LEAVE you when you start first showing Signs of Weakness and you Need them the Most, then blame them for being Weak and Needy.

So what ELSE is it about these Depressed men who DONT drive their tradwaifus away with their depression? Where the woman says, oh noes, I want to help my beloved husbando get through this! We’ll get thru this together!

cuz bitches dump ME at the very first sign I am not fooking Super Confident Thor Alpha. And Depression/Despair attacks your Alpha Confidence DIRECTLY. It attacks That Which Makes you Attractive to Women.

Meanwhile, when WOMEN get Depression, it has NO RELEVANCE to what makes women attractive to men. So Men are more likely to stay with a woman with Issues, than a Woman will stay with a man With Issues.

shit That Woman didnt even know the Depths Of My Despair, shit as far as I’m concerned its nobodys business but my own, i refuse to tell a woman about it because I KNOW it will make them BOLT like the road runner, leaving just a cloud of dust.  cuz thats just how women ARE. they leave you in the lurch and dont support you, so you better not show ANY weakness or need of support.

so i never told her I see a shrink once every 3 weeks, or that I have been taking AD’s since like 2008. and that this despair is very much tied into my Failure At Life.

But she didn’t really care that I was a Failure at life! She didn’t SEE me that way!

and honestly i am not a TOTAL failure at life! My True Friends dont regard me as a total failure who doesnt deserve to have True Friends!

they dont BAIL on me the second I have a Personal Problem!

True Friends DONT DO THAT!

And I thought she was a true friend.

but its my fault to compromise that with muh feelings. muh fee fees .

i think she WAS a true friend, but she was an IDIOT about dealing with that.

i was an idiot too, or, more accurately, a coward.

shit, she was an idiot AND a coward! and idiot because she totally misunderstood what this meant, and she felt betrayed and mad. at least I was smart enough to know that It Wasnt Betraying.

stupid idiot. would rather suck dicks and get fooked up the ass than not throw away someone she was true friends with for 2.7 years hahahahaha.

i REALLY hope not all women are like this! and she was one of the GOOD ones!!!!

well this is just a case of a good person being a YUGE coward.

ive been a huge coward too and i am basically a good person. but no one was really HURT by my cowardice, other than myself. i never broke anyones HEART with muh cowardice.

i dont WANT to break anyones heart……even after its been done to ME! i dont want to put anyone through this! i would make an effort NOT to break a persons heart in this way.

ok have to do the 5 miler, listen to dark tranquility and the fatherland with richard spencer the phag lover hahahaha. he’s got a faggy voice, why doesn’t his wife leave him? and she’s not even a man because they have a child together!

well because he’s very handsome and apparently charismatic, to lead his organzation. but he doesnt seem THAT charismatic tho! But he IS very handsome. and I think he Lifts. just a little at least. but that phaggy voice and the lack of charisma is gonna cause his wife to leave him and their child hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha jk.

went for 5 mile walk, only listened to dark tranquillity, pretty good show, maybe the guitar sound wasnt AS good as I thought it was, well its still pretty good. very listenable. but I still dont see how “when death is most alive” is a better closer than “final resistance” or another bona fide classic.

and whenever i experience good thrilling things, i wish SHE was there to Share them with. but she is gone forever.

yep 11.5 months later and still.

it’s honestly LESS PAINFUL to HATE women!!!! than to think of her and still want her!

so thats why i hate women. it’s BETTER than the alternative!!!!! its LESS PAINFUL to ME!!!! it protects me and builds a nice protective scar over a deep gaping wound! it allows the gaping wound to slowly HEAL! but its only about 55% healed so far! in 1 year! therefore, 100% in 2 years! yeah thats heavy…..AS IT SHOULD BE!!!!! falling in LUV is a BIG DEAL!!!!

2 years is ok, 4 years is not. and I REALLY dont think it will be 4 years.

set up google alert to deliver me news on the organization that is pushing for legal weed in muh state because they dont have a mailing list and i dont want to look at their facebook hehe

muh soggy knee

damn. weed is degenerate ingra trash but i still feel it would HELP get me THROUGH this Trial. more like a prison sentence hehehe. one more year to go hehehe.  just got to keep going through the motions till then.


heh tailor made topic for me. great comments

As for those who claim using weed can alleviate anxiety and depression, so can companionship and community. In fact, I would venture to say it is our atomized society and destroyed families that are the cause of so much drug use. The long-term solution to drug abuse is the re-establishment of the traditional family structure and society. In the mean time the powers that be should use draconian laws to crack down on this behavior.


The real studies on the long term effects have shown that marijuana increases the size of the pleasure centers within the brain, which means it requires ever greater amounts of stimuli to trigger them.

What this means in real terms is that outside of the activities that are enjoyed while getting high, the smoker is being actively “brainwashed” or Pavlovian trained to only enjoy consuming the mediums and doing the things that are commonly done while high. This means TV and movies that are produced by j’s that are targets those specific markets is that much more effective in indoctrinating those people.

In effect marijuana allows them to brainwash those people and condition them to be purely hedonistic consumers and likely race-traitors.

It basically means that marijuana is an effective weapon to leverage goys into degeneracy.

That is why they push for it. Every place that has legal marijuana also has ridiculous firearm restrictions as well. There is no such thing as a coincidence when talking about j’s.


Alcohol will kill you before it allows you to be effectively indoctrinated.

I am not advocating it’s consumption constantly or in excess, but it’s far less dangerous to our society than marijuana. Marijuana is very deceptively dangerous, as it’s danger is subversive, not visibly present.


An ex-weed smoker here.

Weed is much more dangerous than people think. It won’t get you crazy, you won’t kill your family, won’t make you do crime to get it. But it weakens your willpower and gives you a false feeling of saticefaction. Also people think that it lasts for a couple of hours and that’s it. It’s bullshit. It effects your brain even the day after you smoked it. The majority is just too blunt to notice it. But it really does.

ok thats enough haha. END QUOTES

but im using it for MEDICAL purposes, to help with muh despair and anxiety. and to help me get over broken heart. and to help me escape into a fantasy world from a disappointing real world hahahaha. to be content with substandard shit. to be content with being a LAZY LOSER the rest of muh life. yikes!

I took responsibility for what I did wrong, why couldnt YOU???!?!?!?!?

because she was having hard times in life, was overwhlemed and scared, and was cowardly and immature, and her father abandoned her, and her BF broke her heart and threw HER away recently, and her mother doesnt get along with men well, and she’s still not over the more serious BF, and she is Emotionally Retarded hehehe.

so I don’t really mean WHY, i mean, jeez I wish you could have taken responsibility for what you did wrong, like I did.


I DID!!!!

really i dont care if MJ gets legalized recreationally, it would be just as good for me if Medical MJ were approved for Despair or Anxiety, because I have documented conditions for those. ESPECIALLY despair.

at the moment, shady old retired doctors will give you a certification just for walking in. doesnt matter if you have no records, no bona fide doctor patient relationship, no qualifying conditions!

that is how That Woman got HER medical card! just wandered into some random place and was “in and out in 5 minutes lol” with no medical records, no questions about qualifying conditions. she doesnt even know what the qualifying conditions ARE. and lemme tell ya, she doesnt have a one.

i could probably ask the guy i see at my weekly social thing if he can get any MJ for me hehehehe. my problem right now is that I dont really know anyone who can get me it hehehe. it used to be That Woman because she had a medical card and went to The Store regularly and was More Than Happy to Pick Something Up For Me. and I said ohhh thank you sweetie you are the greatest, i hope we can hang out this month and smoke some MJ together, it would be so much fun! never happened hahahaha. but she had no problem with buying stuff for me. Weird amirite? well i mean I would pay for it of course hahaha.

i mean 10 years ago, the whole town would go “dry” and we couldnt get MJ for WEEKS sometimes hahahaha.

and you certainly couldnt have any CHOICE in what KIND of MJ you got! you either had low medium or high quality. no differentiation between sativa and indica, which to me is the most important thing. sativa makes me panic, indica doesnt hahaha.

but despair peopel who take MJ can sometimes get WORSE! maybe thats what happened to me, now i am permanently fooked up!





it has been 85 days since i was horrible abandoned and possibly betrayed and i feel….lazy and dull and hopeless but a lot better than i did at day 1 hahahaha. gotta get in muh 8.6 miles


you were a big part of my life. i cared about you a lot and thought about you a lot. you mattered a lot to me. not in an obsessive creepy way, but in a caring way. when two people feel this way about each other, it often results in a relationship. when only one person feels this way, its one sided and they will have to detach. that is painful for that person. i know you were already detaching from me. i know you cared for me at one point, but probably when you saw i had a different kind of feelings for you, you thought nope cant do that, and started detaching.

i say the world relationship because a friendship IS a kind of relationship and we had that.

anyway for the last 5 months things were strained as you pulled away from me, and i pushed towards you. it was clear we were moving towards each other. and that i was chasing you and you were running away, because you didnt want to be chased, and not by me.

im sorry i annoyed you by pushing, but i want you to understand why i pushed. because i liked you, and because i was scared to have you leave my life really. i didnt want to imagine a life without you. i wasnt pushing you to dominate or control or abuse or manipulate you. i also wanted to talk about the direction our friendship was going. when big things happen you have to talk about them and not just send signals by avoiding talking. talking is healthy and good. talking helps people move forward and get through things and resolve things and get towards a win win resolution. talking helps people get all their feelings our and to feel heard and understood.

i mean you have to understand this on some level. i understand them and ive never been in a long term relationship with a woman. in fact our friendship is the longest relationship ive had with a woman. all the women ive “dated” have been for short periods of time, so really your and my relationship is more important to me than those. i like long term relationships with people. i have male friends ive been friends with for many years. a big goal of mine is to have a long term relationship with a woman, but also not “just” a friendship, but a special relationship, with intimacy and special feelings. exactly what many people have. just a regular long term dating relationship, monogamous, serious. like what you and the guy had for 4 years. thats the kind of relatiosnhip i want.

obviously you dont enter something like this lightly, kind of like marriage or having children. its a serious thing. thats why it took me so long to build those serious feelings for you. i didnt feel like this when i first met you. i liked you and got along with you and you with me, but dating you was the last thing on my mind. it took a long, long time for me to wake up to the idea. not because you were subpar in any way, but because my heart was somewhat closed, and also i was very, very cautious and have become slow to get feelings for anyone, becuase of having my heart broken in the past, and getting feelings too fast. i didnt want to do that again. with you it happened gradually and i believe that is the best way.

anyway when such an important person is removed from your life, there is a void and emptiness and there is great pain. it is almost like somebody dying. but they’re still there, they just dont want to be a part of your life. it takes a long time for the heart to heal. it can be done, i will get over it, but until then theres a LOT of pain, for a LONG time. when you have deep feelings, when the feelings get rejected, it takes a long time to heal.

these are kind of basic common sense things that i think you already know. its all part of being in a relationship and falling in love. i know you have done those things before. well its the same thing thats happening to me, except our relationship was not able to get to that next level.

thats just a fact of life, people cant really choose who they love, or when they fall in love. for me it made perfect sense and it felt very natural: to happen after a long time, with a female friend i knew and trusted. it made sense and felt right. however the timing was horrible given what was going on in your life, with your other relationships, with your feelings, with your family. but unfortunately i could not control my feelings enough to stop them from happening even though my brain understood fully it was a horrible time. it was too late, the feelings were already there and i couldnt turn them off.

i know i annoyed you and i didnt communicate well but is that enough reason to hate me? how much did that hurt you? the pain i am feeling is the worst devastation i have felt in years. my heart is completely broken and i feel like i am at rock bottom. i cant believe it ended this way. i dont think i deserved to be thrown away in this way. i wish you had shown me more respect. this is such a disrespectful way to end a relationship. we had a difference of opinion as to where the relationship should go, and because of that, it only makes sense that the relationship come to a natural end. thats fine. i accept that. but to end it this way seems kind of unnatural, like pulling the plug, or executing someone, or letting a person drown as they cry for help, letting go of a person and they fall off a cliff, smothering a weak elderly person with a pillow in the face as they moan and writhe helplessly.

a much better way would be to have a respectful communication.

i had respect for you, couldnt you have respect for me?

i was there for you and gave you comfort and did not judge you when you showed me your vulnerable side. The minute i showed you my vulnerable side you seemed to hate me and walk away from me.

if i were in your position i would have talked the person and simply said, i dont want to hurt you, you are a good person, but i just cant be with you like that. i dont have feelings for you like that. period. simple. it really doesnt take long to say everything that needed to be said, but it would have spared such a ridiculous amount of pain for me. i wish you could have done that one last thing for me. when other women dumped me they gave me “the talk.” it still hurt but i know it would have hurt more without it. because im experiencing that right now, and this hurts a lot more than any other dumping ive ever had. just give me a talk please.

and if you hate me? yeah i guess i would be upset about that too. i understand you not feeling for me, but i just cant understand you hating me. that is going to have to be on you, your problem. i can understand how i was annoying you. but i had a right to want to talk too. friends hang out with each other and talk when there is a problem. it wasnt a bad horrible thing for me to want to talk. talking and hanging out is a healthy, normal, good thing. its not like i was trying to abuse you, or manipulate or control you, or separate you from your family and friends, or make you do drugs, or make you my slave. i just wanted to hang out and talk. and we had done that many times before! we were friends who hung out one on one and talked! and then suddenly just stopped cold turkey, altogether. that in and of itself was painful. so for me the pain and heartbreak started months ago really. but i was desperately, delusionally optimistic that one day we WOULD talk.

NOT necessarily save the friendship, NOT necessarily that you would return my feelings, but that we would simply TALK, exchange thoughts and feelings, and end the relationship peacefully.

THAT was my idea of a WIN: to end the relationship peacefully. anything better than that was a bonus which i was not expecting at all.

but i am angry because i cant understand why you wouldnt even write me an email or a text. all that needed to be said could be contained in one or two texts. you would rather throw away a long term friendship with hard feelings, than send two texts? that just boggles my mind.  a person could not possibly BE that annoying. you dont do that for any amount of annoying. you only do that when somebody is abusing you. i was not abusing you. i was trying to do something healthy and normal and unabusive. talking, communicating is not something bad or abusive. i wanted to talk and to listen. to have a real two way conversation.

you could have gotten angry at me! screamed at me for being annoying! thats fine!

i should have stood up for myself more. if someone is bothering you, you have to let them know, because they might honestly not be aware. like when you told me to give you space. i should have told you, it hurts and disrespects me when you utterly refuse to talk or hang out with me, OR give me some sort of timeframe, like give me this much space and we will hang out on january 20th or something. or we can stop hanging out, or take a break, but have a conversation with me so we are clear. so i should have told you that your distancing was hurting me, and crossing my boundary, because i couldnt just stay away from you forever. what would you have done if [first guy] told you to stay away from him forever and you had already been friends with him for years? i bet youd find that hard to do.

but yeah. it just hurts like hell when you end a relationship with no talking, no communication, no exchange of anything. even getting mad at each other and both of us screaming at each other and both of us saying i hate you forever and storming off would have been better. but this coldness hurts so much, it makes it feel like i never meant anything to you at all as a person…..and i know thats not true. but i just cant get through to you. i know you cant make anyone do anything, but god i wish you would, just to spare me some pain, just to show me one final act of kindness. you used to be so kind to me.

i should have told you that i was upset about you avoiding me.

you should ahve told me that you hated me and wanted me out of your life.

what bothered me a lot was how you did not seem even remotely willing to do anything to help me, to meet me halfway, to not hurt me.  no willingness to talk or communicate at ALL. rather discard an entire long term relationship than to have ONE talk, ONE phone call, ONE email. it only would have taken an hour or less.




4.4 miler noice.

i am just always afraid of a woman leaving me because she can find somebody better. hypergamy. its real. plus i am kinda a loser so its not hard to find a better man/mate than me. you really have to get to know me to see my Value, and most women arent gonna take that kind of time. shit even if they DO they’ll still leave you for a Better Man. richer, more successful, more badboi, more charismatic, more fun, more exciting, more new, more cool, more interesting, taller, handsomer, younger, cooler, higher status, bigger dick, more testosterone, more confidence, there’s always a better man around the corner, there’s better men being born every day, when you are a 30 year old loser, there are plenty of 20 year old young men who are bigger winners than you. who show potential, rather than show WASTED potential hahahaha.

thoughts like this all day! that is the way muh despair works.

i like the word DESPAIR much better than “depression.” i can barely even say that word! but DESPAIR seems so much more accurate. i have DESPAIR DISORDER.

women are the gatekeepers of sex, men are the gatekeepers of commitment. i was ready to commit to her, to give her the most important thing i could give, and she had not even given me sex!

although women give away their most valuable gift too easily anyway. men should not give their commitment until women have given their own commitment.


never get feelings for a woman until she gets feelings for you first.

if you feel feelings coming on……well that happens. then tell the gurl ASAP. start giving big signals asap, if she doesnt understand them asap, then tell her verbally asap. then you’re done and have done all you can and the ball is in her court and she can say yes no or i donnnnnnnn knoooooowwwwwwww. which probably means no.

they might not be sure if they want OUT, but they sure as hell dont want IN! Ambivalence. Ambivalence is never good. always bad. ambivalence is as good as a NO.

was i ambivalent about her? no!!! well, thats not entirely true. there WAS a while where i was just not sure. i tried not to think about it. it was weird and uncomfortable.

but when i DID make an effort to think about it, really confront it honestly in my mind……….i was no longer ambivalent after a mere lousy MONTH. 4 WEEKS and i went from ambivalent to completely 100% Yes.

so allow them a couple weeks of ambivalence i guess. heck how about you just have regular communication about it. talking, conversations, emails.

oh shit i forgot, women dont like to communicate, only men do hahahahahaha.

well men are verbal communicators and like to speak clearly. women are nonverbal communicators and can only give bullshit mixed message signals and hints and nothing is clear. they could not be clear, direct, or decisive if their lives depended on it! how can you respect that!!!! hahahaha nawalt nawalt i know. some women are better commuincators than others.

why would i want to be with someone who treated me the way she did?




even if one day in the long distant past they treated you pretty good. well they shoudl have brought that person back then.

if they wanted to be nice to you again they would.

if they wanted to not be a bitch to you they would.

if they wanted to not be distant to you, they would.

if they wanted to be close to you again, they would.

its sometimes like a damn intervention. you feel like the loving family trying to intervene on the person they are losing. but its also different. because im not her FAMILY. i cant keep giving her chances and chances and chances and also doing all the work. i want to Go Out with her and that is…..not really a CHOICE, but its more of a choice than being her family.

cuz i was thinking, well, if i truly love her, and i do, i should come back every 4 or 5 months and do any means necessary to keep coming back to her. making excuses for her. well she MIGHT WANT to be with me, shes just too SCARED to contact me, so i have to put myself out there AGAIN on a silver platter for her.

but on the other hand, i dont want to do that too much. i think i have already passed that point of no return. i dont really want to contact her again. if she wants to reconcile, she has to contact ME, and i would still accept that.

although i might communicate with her through another person though. like a mutual friend. which we really dont have many of hahahaha. id say yeah you can tell her i really wanted her to read and respond to those 4 emails i sent; to just talk to me about this. i am heartbroken and i am still very willing to talk to her. i want to talk to her. you tell her that.

i am just done with trying to talk to her directly and getting rejected and blocked and not responded to. well because for 3 months she is gonna be emotional and not want to talk, duh.

3 months? 4 months? 5, 6, 7? well then i need to worry about this 8 or 9 months from now and send her an email saying “hi just wanted to see how you were doing, would luv to get caught up lol 🙂 ” hahahaha.

fook that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

because i am NEVER gonna want to be JUST FRIENDS. that horse is out of the barn and its never going back in.

we all want the best partner we can get. when i first became friends with her, i think i was aware of her being a woman, a young nonugly woman, and thought right away, hmm, could i bang her? could i date her?

and i thought well she’s not ugly, but shes kinda my friend now, so banging her would be weird. (this of course would change).

also she has too much baggage and our lives are too different, families and such. we get along well and kinda think similarly but our backgrounds are so different, we could never date.

and then obviously i decided that she would be just fine to date. although ending with her longterm bf played a role there.

anyway point is, there was a time when i was doubting, is this really the best i can do? surely i can find a better match for me. someone with less baggage hahaha.

but then after a while i was like yes yes yes she is MORE than good enough for me, she is TOO GOOD for me.

once i thought i was out of her league. when it ended i felt SHE was out of MY league!!!!!!!

i knew she was looking at me and thinking “date HIM? I could do a shitload better! hes such a pussy, also short and old! he was ok as a friend in the past, but the idea of dating him is more than just weird, its RIDICULOUS and GROSS!!!!!!”

well i couldnt read her mind of course.

and for the record i never thought dating her would be ridiculous or gross. i at first thought it would be WEIRD, but i wasnt sure why, so i explored that feeling, and concluded it wouldnt be weird at all. i mean i thought it would be weird because we were friends. but at the end of my Thinking Period, i thought, welp, it wouldnt be weird, and now its settled, i want to be MORE than friends.  and that was beginning of the end hahahahahaha.

there was no detail or nuance or grace in the way she ended it, but one thing was clear: the overall thrust of what she was saying to me was “NO. I DONT WANT YOU. GO AWAY.” so i have to….well i dont RESPECT it, but i have to ACCEPT it hahahaha. i wasnt sure her reasons or “rationale” if any, i just knew she was definitely saying NO.

in the worst shittiest way possible hhahahaha.

besides she likes badbois. its amazing she nailed down a badboi for 4 years. this makes me think he just had a badboi exterior. i sort of knew him. back when i was just friends with her, i was friendly with him too. he was a good guy but kinda stubborn, ridiculous, and spergy. selfish. but not an inherently bad guy. but i could see how being In A Rel with him would be not fun. unless he was real excited about it. and he was not excited about being in a rel with her. in fact i think he technically did the dumping. well maybe she pushed him hahahahahaha same way i pushed her to dump me hahahaha no jk. same way she pushed ME to try to dump her, but i wouldn’t, so she dumped me via silent treatment.

no i know for a fact that she wanted to try to make things work with him. she had a WILLINGNESS. at that time i wanted her to work it out with him. get married, i told her.

it was easier for me and her to talk about her and HIS rel, than her and MY rel.

anyway those two actually talked and argued and had ridiuclous conversations/arguments im sure. and then i think he decided he wanted to be done with the rel. so he ended it. but she knew it was ending too. i dont think she was as DESPERATE to hold onto HIM, as i was to hold onto her.

once it was all done, she said something to me like she was sad that she might have been “holding him back” cuz he was moving on with his life and doing important things for Himself, that he was too stubborn to do when he was with her.

heh. i told her in famous email 1 that “i hate to think i bring you down, because you bring me UP!”

another 4.2 miler.

non aggression principle. do no harm. peaceful resolution. nonviolence.

i dont think i was violent or abusive to her at all. i was AGGRESSIVE sure. well, i was passive aggressive. and that sucks. but its a tier well below violent or super aggressive.

whats the solution to this? BE ASSERTIVE. you dont have to be loud to be assertive. you say heres my line and you crossed it. i was not nearly assertive enough. shit i hadnt even thought of the WORD assertive until i was listening to a stef molyneux cultmaster womanhater show today and he was talking to a doormat husband whose wife wanted to divorce him for no good reason. well because he was an unassertive doormat.

heh. this is apparently a divorceable offense. hahahaha.

would you divorce your wife becuase she was an unassertive doormat? fook no, but men and women are different.

i would say, sweetie pie, you need to stand up for yourself. you cant let people walk all over you. im gonna help you be more assertive so you dont take shit from people.

then she would use her new assertiveness training to dump me for a more assertive man hahahahahaha. and would refuse to communicate with me about it because i was too passive aggressive in pushing her to communicate abotu it hahahaha.

thats why i like letters and emails. you dont need to make an appoitnment with them, you wont forget to say something, you dont have to WAIT 3 months to talk to them. However i would say tell them to send you a read receipt, or send them a letter in the mail. might need more than 1 stamp hahahahaha to send the 20 page letter. best thing would be to hand deliver it to them to make sure they get it. like youve been served with divorce papers. and youre just tyring to have First Contact with your Wife to talk about anything. hahahahahaha.

the second you start being passive aggressive, shit has gone on too long. write a damn letter now. not a passive aggressive letter, but an assertive letter. thankfully i am much better at writing assertive emails, than having assertive talks. i mean i would like to improve my assertive talks, but if i am having trouble there, i can always write a good email.

but yeah the way women give away their most precious gift. and its like they FORGET they can get pregnant. it shows a RECKLESS DISREGARD FOR HUMAN LIFE. like stef says. anyone that can be so cavalier about human life, youre playing russian roullette with human life, to have 10 minutes of fun with an exciting badboy, when the consequences FOR YOU are 20 years of sacrifice to take care of a baby. FOR YOU these are the consequences and you STILL dont show discretion or caution!!!!!!

o stefan accept me into your cult and control me hahahahaha.

single mothers are bad news because it means they are attracted to abusive badbois or deadbeat runaway badbois; OR they get bored with men too easily and will willingly dump a “boring” NiceGuy for no good reason, and depriving the poor child of a father. do you want to get involved with a woman like this?

stef hates women because he was abused by his own single mother hahahaha.

well i dont think he hates women. and maybe he is stubborn. but i like listening to him talk about relationships, is that such a crime? if i could find another person who talks abotu relationships, i’ll listen to them. and not some progressive leftist who says all men should be cucks and all women should have open relationships and cuck their men. raise their children in a damn polyanrdrous village. where nobody is sure whos the father, so everybody pitches in all the adults take care of all the children.

because we can see that works very well in the errrrmmmmm “r-selection” community hahahahahahahaha


i fully beleive this is right and just and men are entitled to that.

obvious exception would be a fully-discussed mutual decision to adopt a child.

or if a man willingly chooses to date a single mother and be a father figure to her bastards. some men do. i think they really just want to be fathers and will take any substitute they can get. but if they were fully honest with themselves, they would admit this; they’d say they want to be fathers, they feel a paternal instinct, and IDEALLY they would want children of their OWN.



hehehe it comes in waves. this is all so stupid. well it does make sense, i am very devastated because the Luv Was Real. because I Knew Her, THEN the Luv came on. with the other broads, i was truly in luv with a fantasy. you start off with immediate infatuation, always bargaining with them for time, hangouts, and the secs which is the only currency they understand, trying to be a macho man, then 3 months later or less they dump you and it hurts a lot, but really you NEVER KNEW THEM. they were in and out of your life in 3 months. you wanted to know them but you never really knew them. this is how modern women have sexual relationshits hahahaha.

well with her i thought i really KNEW her, from two years of issue free friendship. when i first met her i was getting over another woman, i couldnt even have feelings for anybody else for a while, i was in a hateful, loveless, nihilistic phase much like now, except then i had some kind of easy low paying job and a nice new female fren hahahaha.

so there were no stupid secs games, just two people slowly getting to know each other over a period of much longer than 3 months, no begging or bargaining, just a mutual win win situation.

only after i really knew her did some super strong feelings come in like a flood.

so yeah that mean the luv was more real, and based on a real foundation.

and was even harder to lose!

and not in a good way either. a beautiful thing ended int he worst possible way.

and im sure it WAS a positive thing for her until late last year, when she started checking out.

well ill never know what she was thinking. maybe she wasnt checking out. she was probably confused like i was!

but yeah it was natural for me to fight to keep the rel, there was nothing else i COULD do! it wasnt really a challenge, i wasnt gonna NOT fight for it! i didnt really HAVE a choice.

also, what did i WANT. what was my INCENTIVE. what was my potential PAYOFF. a luving rel with muh perfect woman. pretty big payoff. of COURSE i did what i had to do.

now she had a choice. she could either have an awkward tuff talk with me, or just walk away and quit.




ANYWAY the only possibly PAYOFF for HER fro talking to me was to get good karma, and Let Me Down Easy, do a Favor for a Former Friend. BUT the cons were it was an extremely awkward talk where i would probably beg her and act weird. so the pros did not outweigh the cons for her. the payoff was not worth it for her. for me, the payoff was immensely worth it. my payoff was a True Luving Relship. for her there was no such payoff because she did not like me.

the payoff for Doing and Saying Nothing was, she got to get out of the Relship like she wanted, and she got to avoid a painful conversation. win win for her. lose lose for me. zero sum game hahahahaha.

“but luv is not a zero sum game”

well when it is one sided luv, it sure as fook is!!!!!!! like this case.

path of least resistance. avoiding uncomfortable conversations WHERE there is no big payoff to you.

i was begging to have the uncomfortable conversation because the payoff to me was HUGE.

she was desperate to NOT have the uncomft convo because there was no real convincing payoff for her. so i might hate her less, so it would be better karma. OR she could just be DONE with the whole overwhleming overbearing intolerable situation RIGHT NOW. so its not surprising why or how she went that route.

payoffs. do what you want to do. the payoffs influence/are your wants. and if you really want it, you will do it. because of the payoff.  the pros outweigh the cons hahaha. very simple.

if anything its a negative sum game. i had a net negative experience. i wish id never met her. the costs outweighed the benefits of the entire relationship. we had some very good times, but it wasnt’ worth the pain that followed.

i would assume her experience was less negative because she had less invested. but she probably just forgot abotu the good times, or realizes its the past, the past is gone, look forward to a fun future of cocks and badbois and excitement and unexpected pregnancies.

so, forget the good times, and get the annoyance (UGH.) of a loser weirdo in luv with you.

for me, the past was very very good, but the heartbreak was very very very very very painful. add them up and what do you get. very very very painful and bad. the end.

net loss. my life would have been better if i had never met her. period. the end.

now when a real relationship  (well, we kinda did have some kind of real relationship tho, a two year friendship) ends WELL, both parties can agree, that ran its course, it was a GOOD RUN, but we can both agree there is no future here, so have a good life, good bye.

when both people want out, not when one person desperately wants IN , the other person desperately wants OUT.

so yeah everything really does make sense. people do what they really want, given the payoffs they are aiming for, measuring the costs and benefits. there was a huge potential benefit to me to pursue her, to go all in for in; there was really no potential benefit to her to even TALK to me, except KARMA, and even that was not a convincing or valuable enough payoff.

the good karma was not worth the trouble of an extremely awkward conversation, and probably me being pushy and bargaining and begging and pleading during that conversation, and pushing for MORE conversations, being unable to let go, etc.

so i got the book “getting past your breakup” by susan elliott i think is the name, opened it up to a random page and read,

“reaching out to the ex to request closure is just an EXCUSE FOR MAINTAINING CONTACT WITH THEM”.

and Real Closure Comes from Within, not from the other person. when a loved one DIES, you CANT get closure from THEM!!!!!!

so i liked that. requesting closure is an excuse to maintain contact with them. and thats exactly what i had done.

so that is good to know. look forward to reading this book moar.

of course every 25 year old woman is a Relationship Expert just because they have been with lots of guys, and they know that Closure is a Myth. but she didnt want to tell me that because i have to learn that lesson myself. fook that. i am 10 times better at relationships that her even though her longest rel is literally 20 times longer than mine.

it would have been interesting to study her relships though. thats why you ask them abotu it directly.

like so and so is dull and shows you know affection any more and you wish he loved you. well did he ever? what was he like in the first 6 months? did he take you on dates then and cuddle with you, or did he just sit around and grumble and drink and be very grumpy and inattentive to your needs? if so, why didnt you just bail like you did with me? well because she was in luv with him and not me, prob because he was moar masculine and manly.

so fookin stupid. worst pain in the world. like getting stabbed over and over in the heart all day every day for months and months and months. time for another 3.1 miler hahaha while i try to stop analyzing the stupid End Of The Relationship and Life Without Her, one of the most positive things in muh life, it was kind of a fantasy but kind of not, because i actually did know her! which made the luv more real, and the heartbreak more painful, and the way she did it more ridiculous.

also avoiding job search hahahaha. fook mah life hahahaha.



this is the book website ^^ i trust JD’s moar than PHD’s, because lawyers are better communicators and bullshitters than professors hahahaha. i believe the bullshitters. nobody bullshits like a lawyer. this is why lawyers are not kissless virgins and can date gurls for longer than 3 months without getting dumped.

well she is a woman lawyer and this book and everything on it is clearly geared to women, but thats how damn emotional i get about these rels.

its also kinda REASSURING to see that WOMEN actually have love and heartbreak, not just me. i thought women were cold, calculating, nihilistic, soulless, cold, socipathic monsters incapable of love or heartbreak.


well my next thing is gonna be to adapt my stupid Interview File to this site, which is basically 10000 words of bullshit to say during your interview to convince them you are The Best Candidate for the 9DAH part time no benefits stressful customer facing job.

chastity monogamy and slut shaming by “the truth will live”

a cute young gurl who is also a “neo reactionary” right wing, which is the word for all the stuff ive been into for years. here she talks about how chastity and monogamy are good things. i should just watch this gurl if i want to fall out of luv with the other woman!!!

but be careful. “Neo Reaction” is primarily male dominated and im sure many of them are lonely because they cant find a decent nondegenerate woman, and this young woman will get MORE ATTENTION and Supplication than is healthy for any person to have. kinda like the Fake Nerd Girl that hangs out at nerd shit like comic cons and D&D and gaming now, because Gaming is Cool now, and young women have caught on that the top 10% of men here will be successful, money-making engineers, so women like Nerd Culture much more in the 10s than they did EVER before. those of us in our Early Thirties distinctly remember a time when nerddom and gaming was a 1000000% sausage fest and did not have one or two QT Gurls hanging around and doing SJW bullshit like sarkeesian and gamer gate and “COSPLAY IS NOT CONSENT.” good GOD. they just want ATTENTION and to be a CELEBRITY and to snag the top 1% of men in these cultures. same as it ever was hahahaha. so 99% of the men are huge neckbeard pee bottle mlady virgins, but the top 1% will be Successful Engineers making 40DAH and be a GREAT meal ticket for these women hahahaha. Security. So yeah i am ALWAYS suspicious to see QT Young Women entering a culture or movement.

(like i hope muh buddy robert stark does not get obsessed and fall in luv with this gurl! robert stark is great and awesome and he has already done TWO interviews with her? even though she has like 7 videos? dont do it rob! make her EARN it! I would be happy though if she did a longterm monog rel with robert, possibly marriage. and WHENEVER i say “marriage” or “wife” in this whole blog, realize i am not talking about Legal State marriage, which is Rigged to Screw Men. If you want to legally marry a woman, you have to trust her SO MUCH that she will not take advantage of this.)

also she kinda looks like woman3, one of the women i actually dated for 2 months. i do not know why i like obviously fake hair like that, where they dye brown hair blond. not blond highlights in dark hair, which i think looks horrible. but i still like brown hair fully dyed blond. wtf. that is like me admitting i like to be decieved and possibly cuckolded. that i like a fake and a phony and a liar and a cheater and a cucker.

so what SHOULD a woman do? uhhh be a nice person and stay at home with their family and not get into masculine stuff like internet subcultures and politics and such. young qt gurls can really turn men against each other in a very unproductive way, which would be horrible for the Neoreactionary Movement. but i think its been gaining momentum and size and would survive any Internecine Gurl Drama. i dont think i used that word right hahahahaha.

i mean nothing NEW here, we all know why chastity and monogamy are good…… but its so nice to see a pretty young woman SAY it and appear to believe in it.  shes not super articulate or a good comunicator but what woman is, hahahahaha, she is better than 90% of women hahahaha.

however less articulate women can still slut-SHAME, however, and this is a very good quality you should look for in your women.  they just don’t like sluts. good. that means they might not be a slut themselves. OR they dont like sluts because they themselves are ashamed of BEING sluts. watch out for that. well if they ARE sluts they SHOULD be ashamed…… but better to find a woman whos not a slut in the first place.

the susan elliott book has a good part about rumination. you might be sick of ruminating and obsessing, but try to see it as part of The Healing Process. like you NEED to Ruminate as part of Getting Over It. It’s better to Ruminate and Face It Head On, than ignore it and push it under the rug, like how your Ex dealt with you hahahahaha.

its like dont hide from the grief and pain, just stand in the middle of it like getting blasted by a firehose. and that’s kind of what the months of obsessive rumination are part of that same Getting Hosed With Pain constantly.

but its actually a GOOD thing and means you’re FACING it and slowly getting over it!

standing in the middle of the torrent, just getting blasted! the rumination is part of the blasting and should go away within 1 year of No Contact.

looks like muh book encourages no contact too, good. i agree no contact is a good way to be.

cuz all contact is really just you WANTING THEM BACK.

ok so you DO still want them back and you should not deny your feelings.

so ADMIT that, but DONT contact that, becuase that will bring just a NEW torrent of pain which you DEF do not need.


ISFP personalities are most likely to be unemployed, they cant handle jobs hahahaha

i thought i was an INFP but i am definitely close to this.


i found the yahoo article about Percievers being more likely to be unemployed because they are less conscientious. hahahaha i am very conscientious. anyway that was linked to from robert starks new website, in the post where he interviewed “the truth will live”.

good to see robert back, he used to be a top listen for me, but he never really had a great website of his own until now.

anyway i dont care about finding a nice right wing qt because any woman that gets that much into Political Thought is gonna be very hard to handle. better to have a nice sweet kind traditional woman who is right wing in her actions but does not waste a lot of time writing, thinking, youtubing, talking abotu it hahahaha. leave that to the men.  and the traditional conservative women can good wives to these men, and good mothers to their children.

i dunno maybe not. maybe i am generalizing.

but i guarantee if you had a neoreaction meetup with 20 Sexually Frustrated Guys, and 1 Cute Young gurl with similar political ideas, it WOULD get ugly and the guys would compete against each other and perhaps solid Male Friendships would get Ruined.

in essence there IS a kind of “owning.” you volunteer to be “owned” by your partner and she volunteers to be owned by you, in the sense that you elevate each other above the rabble, that they are SPECIAL to you, and that you don’t WANT to be with anybody else, sexually or emotionally, and you recognize there is a huge link between those two.

rather than “nobody owns anybody” and “everybody belongs to everybody” “mercenary” approach.


it promotes a view that human relationships and connectedness are interchangeable, disposeable, replaceable, and ultimately MEANINGLESS.


THEY BELIEVE IN NOTHING. (Lebowski hahahaha)

if they cant believe that sex and Love and Relationships mean anything……. for all Intensive Purposes (hehehe), they actually believe in Literally Nothing.

how can these people even get out of BED?

am i Catastrophizing Other People in general? maybe. people arent really THAT bad, i am just devastated because my Favorite Person became my Least Favorite Person and now i am in a world of pain.

but yeah i feel SHE was definitely being a bit NIHILISTIC about our Rel. by just throwing it away. you just dont do that when you KNOW a person for 2-3 years. even if youre having a rough patch. even if you dont love them back. you still treat them with a SHRED of respect and decency. i wasnt some random sex partner you have anonymous, soul-killing sex with after one night then throw away for being weird.

MY weirdness was not soul killing, and also it was kinda justifiable. this was kinda a big deal.

but ya know what? i am glad i confessed my feels, as bad as it turned out, rather than kept them bottled up, not said anything, pretended they werent there, wetn on with the CHARADE that there was no elephant in the room. i simply could not hide the truth any longer.

i think she HAD AN IDEA anyway, cuz of my signals. signals was the only route of communication she gave me, so i gave awkward ham fisted signals, like texting too much, writing emails about communication, calling her my favorite person, saying im afriad of losing you, mushy christmas cards of i appreciate you more and more and want to get closer to you, you are very important and speical to me, of COURSE she HAD AN IDEA. look at those signals i just listed. damn. of course she KNEW. thats WHY she was pulling away bit by bit until she was gone.

i certainly deserved better treatment! because i was not abusive to her. i had good reason to be pushy. and PUSHY IS NOT ABUSIVE!!!!!!!!

i was pushing to essentially save the relationship.

i was like the family members doing an intervention on her, and instead of accepting the gift, she ran out the door and never looked back and then died of drugs and broke her familys heart hahaaha.

how can you have a “debate” with 11 candidates on stage where they each get 1 minute to respond.

they should do more of a “brackets” thing or eliminations. i hope all the candidates went on charlie rose. most probably have, but of course nobody watches charlie rose. i am talking about substantive discussions with none of the interrupting and shouting on top of each other like happens on ALL the news networks.  all the chavs and plebs out there drinking beer and fornicating and voting hahahaha. muh unions hahahaha.

not sure if we have “CHAVS” in the US hahahaha. i basically mean plebs.

ok i am not losing weight OR really getting over this bitch hahahaha. no she’s not a bitch, she just did a very btichy thing TO ME and was a BITCH to ME. she will make a wonderful lovely wife to another lucky man and be a wonderful mother to their children and live happily ever after while i K muh self at age 45 hahahaha. one of THOSE guys.

this is not a true debate faggot. gtfo tv journalist scum.

but yeah call a woman a “BITCH” and suddenly youre the bad guy. i am expressing anger at the injustice and unfairness that was done to me by her. youre SUPPOSED to be angry at the person. i am not going to HURT her for gods sakes. she hurt me a lot more! i think i have earned the right to call her a BITCH!

THAT BITCH! hahahahaha


bumping up the 1.4 mile walk to 1.8 miles. so the 2.8 miler or 3 miler becomes a 3.6 miler. 3 of those, get 10.8 miles.

so my goal was to get 10 miles. not just 9.4 miles or whatever. i mean i will need to get up to 12 or 14 miles to lose weight, like i did back in 2007 and 8 where i was walking 12-14 miles well not every day but several times a week.

also i wanted to do an average every day, well 6 days a week. instead of 10 miles one day then 5 miles next and alternating. would rather do 7.5 miles erry day.




the problem with her cutting me off like this is not ONLY does it feel she is not treating ME like a human being……

it ALSO makes me less able to see HER as a human being. more of a monster. more of that Monstrous Stereotype Woman Yes All Women Woman, All Women Are Like That Woman. and i can attribute all sorts of things. like she treated me like scum BECAUSE of Alpha Omega Game / Career Mating Market Matrix.

I guess its very important that that matrix did not factor into her decision with me. even though I like and agree with that matrix. but i just felt that because she KNEW me, she could treat me more as an individual and that Our Case would be Special.

its one thing when you just fook each other for a few months and it does work out, ie all my past pseudo relationshits.

its another thing when you know each other over a few YEARS and respect each other and dont naturally drift apart.

anyway yeah it dehumanizes HER as well as ME.

listened to some davis mj aurini. his youtube is less Stark and more Funny than his writing. this is attribute to talking generally being better than writing, period. i would be talking to you right now if i were not cowardly!

“the most decadent sluts since the fall of rome”

dat title pulled me right in.

anyway in that one he basically said that sex is sacred and special and trying to separate sex from love, and giving sex away for such a low price, is a race to the bottom, and sluts ruin it for everyone, and that a broken heart is very very painful. so i agreed 100000% hahahahahaha.

anyway when she throws me away like this i can make up all those horrible theories like she was one of the All Women, who rejected me because i was a loser at Game and Career. well its true isnt it?

but she seemed to have respect for me during our friendship even though she knew perfectly well at that time that i was a loser at game and career, and she didnt seem to care, she accepted me for who i was, i didnt have to pretend, i could just be myself.

but yeah basically by me changing the game, i change the rules of the game too, and when i want to Court Her Romantically Love Secs, then there is a whole new way of reckoning Respect.

i guess that is hard to deal with. i didnt really have a different way of reckoning respect regarding her.

“womens sexual liberation” hehehehehe

yeah he looks like a virgin and kinda has that atheist fedora niceguy pedestal white knight mlady virgin creepiness about him, i was judging the book by its cover, and that put me off of listening to him for the longest time. and his voice takes some getting used to. he sounds really smug and arrogant and kind of annoying and kind of gay hahahaha.  but thats just the way he talks. or the image he intentionally cultivates with his gothic look or whatever and always smoking cigarettes and drinking scotch or something. i can understand wanting to be rebellious but whatever. somebody new to listen to.

yeah heartbreak is horrible. she went from being one of my favorite people to being my least favorite. she went from being a decent human being who treated me like human being, to a monster who treated me like garbage. and it happened overnight.

we were both heading towards our breaking points, in my case being in horrible love wiht her, in her case just cutting all ties and being done with me completely and forever.

we both hit the breakign points at pretty much the same time.

i just think she is being unfair in hating me so much. what did i do that was so wrong? i got feelings for her? i did not Respect Boundaries? yeah i guess. this shit is so fooking stupid. what do you do when someone doesnt want to talk to you though? you cut THEM loose. of course i could not do that because i was emotionally compromised by muh eternal unconditional luv for her.

its HARD to just cut somebody loose when you luv them, and they dont want to talk to you.

well i dont doubt that i will do things better in the future, will have learned my lesson; but i DO doubt i will meet another female friend i could get feelings for, in the future! i mean i am getting super old and she was already 8 years younger than me!

ok. how about this. when one person wants to just walk away from a 2 year relationship, and the other person wants to talk about, we might not be able to fix it but lets at least communicate, you OWE IT TO THEM to talk to them, to communicate with them, to give your feelings and listen to their feelings, unless they are Physically or Emotionally Abusing you.

now i was emotionally annoying her, because i was pushing her to talk, but i was not ABUSING her. her Silent Treatment and Avoidance was more Emotionally ABUSIVE!!!

to the point that i VOIDED everything when i got feelings: theres no RULE that you VOID everything. [i am trying to TALK BACK to my Constant, Automatic NEgative Nihilistic Discouraging Thoughts. Verbal Judo hahahaha]. every situation is gonna be different. if there IS any RULE, its that the two people need to TALK to each other to figure out what happens to the relationship now that one person has feelings.

i just cant blame it on her being a decadent modern woman. theres nothing i can blame it on other than maybe she has Personal Psych Issues which I dont really know about, although its nothing related to Type 2 Personality Disorders, Narcissism, Borderline, Hysterical, well what she did was kinda sociopathic but she wasnt a sociopath, i dunno. she was Just Done.

so maybe she feels bad, but she’s just too Done to apologize, so i have to Reach out to her if i want an apology? well i want an apology, but what i REALLY want is to get with her.

and if she really wanted to GET with me, well she would have. she would have made the leap because there was something in it for her. there was nothing in it for her if she didnt have feels.

so its safe to say she doesnt want to date me in other words.

so i am not gonna reach out for an apology! cuz what i really want is to be with her.

so she hates me? because…..i was pushy and made her feel uncomfortable? because she thought i was HIDING something from her? i was going crazy because i didnt WANT to hide it from her! I was knocking at the door but she wouldnt open it.

yeah i did things poorly, i should have just Confessed in an Email at least 50% earlier than i did. not after 10 months but after 5 months.

shit. 3 months. 3 months is good for everything.

EXCEPT FOR getting over a heartbreak. that prob takes more like 6 months.

and also having secs. that should be at LEAST 6 months of dating and really getting to know and trust someone.

the role of sex is to bond men and women together in long term monogamous rels, to make them fall in love with each other.

did i mention i finally made that phone call i have been dreading for weeks. it went as well as i could have hoped. the person knew immediately what i was talking about and was like yep theres an error there, they shouldnt be charging you that, well get it fixed, sorry about that. took 2 minutes. and i said thank you very much.

because i am so used to me being confused all the time, and people in my office passing the buck and doing runaround not because they were lazy, but because they were confused and couldnt  get help from our superiors fast or reliably enough.  got flustered because we didnt know what we were doing, asked for help, got SHITTY help, STILL didnt know what to tell the person, couldnt transfer them to someone who actually UNDERSTOOD the situation, and then took the “easy way out” of saying uhhhhhhh we cant fix that or you need to talk to so and so.

one of my least favourite aspects of the job.

but yeah she was a much bigger part of my life than i was of her life. so it hurts me much more.

technically she didnt hurt me…….but kinda yes she did. she cant help if she doesnt like me, but she CAN help how she responds/reacts to the situation. someone always gets hurt in a rejection, but the rejector can help MINIMIZE that pain, and i believe they SHOULD, that thats the morally right thing to do.

heh. i am obsessed basically with convincing myself that i am not the bad guy, because i am not certain that i didnt do something horrible, and i deserve this treatment!

well i can conclude that i in fact do NOTTTTTTTT deserve this treatment. i didnt DESERVE to live happily ever after, but i did deserve to be Let Down Easier.

i dont know WHY thats so important to me. because i believe it could have reduced the INTENSE pain i have been suffering for a damn long time, AND because i want to believe that i’m not wrong for wanting communication.

im not wrong for wanting communication, but i went about askign for it in a bad way. next time i will know better.

honestly i had never been in this position before. falling in luv wiht a female friend. after knowing them for a DAMN long time.

i was a huge pussy about telling the previous woman i had feelings for her too. cuz we worked together too. hahaha jobs are the only way i meet women. i didnt want it to endanger our job. so i waiting 9000000 years until she left the job first, then pulled the trigger, got rejected of course, still managed to do the easy job, then met woman2015 at the same easy job, didnt have feelings for HER, but became friends, and she got us both jobs at the new place, which was horrible, but paid way more, and i quit THAT job because the rejection was too much to take!

very IRONIC dont u think hahahah.

well, the LORD was trying to tell me that i either needed to end this job, or end this CHARADE of a rel. i guess He just wanted me to end both and quit deluding myself hahahaha. but oh GOD the pain. maybe he could help me with the pain though.

but i have gotten a lot better about Brisk Jogging.

well only 6 miles today and not 9 hahaha but i blame the nyquil hangover lol.

i budgeted 16 hours but it wasnt enough. next time budget like 18 hours hahahaha.

start drinking nyquil from the moment you get up in the morning hahahaha

actually some indica budz would be just as good but the shame and stigma hahahaha.

ironic that muh female fren was my only source for that hahahaha. yeah i am glad i got rid of the stuff i had left over from her.

she was nice enough to ask if i wanted anything when she went, i thought that mean she still had respect for me as a human being.

being in luv with her was a nice little break from being a huge loser at life; and now i am an EVEN BIGGER loser, without that job. that horrible horrible job.

and that horrible lie of a “friendship” hahahaha. and now she remembers it the same way hahaha.

well i wasnt trying to LIE to her! i was trying to tell her the truth and it was becoming an elephant in the room, it was OBVIOUS to both of us that something needed to be talked about!!!!!!!!!!!

so i dont see it as a lie. a lie is them asking you is everything all right, is there something you wanna tell me? and you say no.

not please i have something to tell you and nope no dont want to hear it.

but i didnt SAY i have something to tell you. i said pleaeeeeeesseeeee can i hang out wiht you. over and over again. then pleeeease i feel im losing u and i dont want to lose u. then please our friendship is hurting, lets communicate abotu it more. then im sorry again to be weird to u then the silent treatment began and that was it.

SURE i was OVERBEARING. thats another great word for what i was. overbearing. but i was overbearing BECAUSE the issue was not getting resolved. and i could only resolve the issue with HER cooperation. which she was totally unwilling to give.

and was therefore the most disappointing end to 10 months of disappointment, which altogether was a horribly disappointing end to one of the best rels with a woman i ever had in muh whole life. the end.

of COURSE i am going to be heartbroken! for a long time!

way more than 2 months! we are at the 2 month anniversary of the Freeze Out BTW.

i just wished we could have talked. or communicated. that is all. is that too much to want? is that unreasonable? i dont think so.

but does me asking for that talking in The Wrong Way, in a eyr Overbearing way, make me the bad guy? i mean its not super smooth, but i dont think asking for a good thing in an overbearing way makes me the bad guy!

but i still am angry at her because i dont think it would have been THAT hard or painful for her to say OK WHAT DO YOU WANT ALREADY UGHHHHH

MUCH less painful than what im going thru now. although she did not intend to cause me this much pain, she could have stopped a decent amount of pain, and i really wish she had.



posting day might be halloween, now all the young women can add another secs partner to their numbers. good job whores. way to profane everything sacred. sex, relationships, human life. if you want to destroy a culture, you destroy its women and make them into maneating monsters.

i cant even say she did this because she is showing her true colors as a horrible person. i fooking wish she WERE a horrible person, because it would allow me to make sense of this, and say, “reap what you sow.” but she will prob continue being a saint to everyone and i will be the One Solitary Skeleton in her closet. and i have no reason to Warn OTher Men about her, because she will probably make a Nice Wife to some Lucky Man.

that or this even will start off years of running and avoiding and lying and this will be the beginning of her downfall as she finally crosses the rubicon into a life of whorish dissolution!

we do have one mutual friend, who if they see her ever again, might ask about me, and then what would she say? probably “Oh he got all creepy and began acting really really weird to me and i didnt feel comfortable any more, so i just had to cut him out of my life. it was for my own good.” and then make me the total bad guy.

it sucks when just wanting to talk about a problem in your Relationship makes YOU the creepy weird psycho where the person is right to Ghost you!

You WANT Communication? you cant HANDLE Communication!

well see it was because i was pushing the wrong way, for the wrong type of communication. after several months, i should have stopped asking her to hang out, because i was the bad guy for not Respecting her wishes to hang out, and at THAT point, wrote a damn email or phone call.

in the old days, they would have done a phone call or a Postal Letter.

I just thought she thought more of me as a person than that! had more respect for me! she used to have respect for me!

yeah well respect is earned not given out. so as soon as i stopped earning it, she stopped giving it.

hahahahahaha secsless loveless relationships with women are such hard work, they are just not worth it hahaha.

i didnt realize i had stopped earning it! but i stopped earning it the moment i broadcasted that things had changed, the moment i began texting her a little bit more.

before The Change i would not text her a lot and she would often text me first.

after the change I began texting her a lot more regularly.

i figure my texting was the number one most obvious signal on my part. you dont start texting somebody this much more unless you Like Like them.

it wasnt 9000000000000 times a day, but it was a noticeable difference from what it was. i noticed it, she noticed it. more texting, more invitations to hang out. pretty noticeable signal.

so i guess after a few months of that i got more and more impatient and she began losing respect and that made it possible for her to flush me away like a piece of shit.

i thought she had more of a CONSCIENCE than that!

i VETTED her! she passed my tests! over years! i knew and trusted her! i expected so much more out of her! if she was a piece of shit like so many women i would have just not Gotten Involved with her at all! but she was DIFFERENT! Not All Women Are Like That! Some Are Different!

well found a nice 3.2 mile route i can walkjog, and found a nice little new park in there that i had never been to. 1.6 miles from my house in a neighborhood. it was small but had some nice trees and little trails and once you got in it was a lot bigger than it seemed.

damn. i just thought she would have treated me better given our history, which IMHO warranted at least a conversation of sorts, rather than a permanent cold shoulder. this is not the work of a trustworthy person. next thing you know she will graduate onto cheating.

50% of people graduate to cheating. i never did ahahaha. prob because i was never in a real rel ahahaha.

ask the average man whats the worst thing you ever did to a woman. he failed to do one thing perfect and was dumped coldly for doing one thing only 99% correct. failed to live 100% up to a womans ridiculous standards and was dumped/cheated on in favor of a socipathic cheater. well i guess a sociopathic cheater WOULD be a better MATCH for a WOMAN!

ask the average woman whats the worst thing she ever did to a man. she has secs with 900000 other guys including him, cucks him, makes him raise another mans child, cheats on him with his best friend, ruins his life, breaks his heart, reduces him to a broken shell. completely changes overnight and does a total 180 from a decent person into a horrible person. mind boggling evil that boggles your mind that a Human Being can be capable of such evil; makes you question if Women are indeed Human Beings. they do such awful things that make you never trust women again, make you very suspicious of any woman. even the good ones do very very very bad things.

im saying that women are worse to men, on average, than men are to women.

weird. i have have had shittier women End Things in a better way with me, than a Decent Woman.

why does it even matter if shes a decent woman or not, if she ended it in a shitty way, and i will never talk to her again? because she is gonna go be Decent with other people but not me?

definitely i get DABD all at once, but i am feeling notable anger now!

is it bargaining if you’re not bargaining WITH them?

well yeah because this is meant for people who died. like you bargain with GOD to bring your loved ones back to life.

also you cant get ANGRY at someone dying. although i know many people do.


i am super nervous about making a damn phone call about a damn medical bill question where i believe i was charged twice what i expected. and i dont know if it is a just some kind of error, or if they scammed me with confusing bait and switch shit and i signed up without fully understanding. oh its not a 50% discount for people with no insurance, its you just pay 50% now and then 50% a month later when we bill you.

because i worry they wont understand my question; and that i wont be able to articulate my question; and that i wont understand their explanation; adn that i wont be able to stand up for my rights; and that i am perfect for getting scammed; and that i will sound like an asshole; and that when we used to take phone calls noone knew what they were doing and would just bullshit all day; so therefore when you call ANYONE with a question, they dont know what theyre doing and are bullshitting you; and you cant talk to Smart Person because in OUR job we wouldnt LET you talk to a smart person; and us dumb people resented the smart people for not training us properly and making us look like idiots all day, struggling to do things we dont know how to do, giving the worst bullshit explanations or just saying i dont know and i cant find out for you because i dont understand the shit and this particular thing there is no explanation for, but One Does Not Simply Talk To Someone Who Actually Understands Things. Can I talk to a manager? Hhahahahahahahaha absolutely not. first of all you dont really mean manager because they just manage and dont know how to do shit. but the person you really need to talk to, the person who really understands stuff, or who at least can bullshit better, theres not enough of them. its like expecting to talk to the president. or ceo of a company. we are the gatekeepers to keep you AWAY from them.

i would probably appreciate it if they were more forthcoming about us being Gatekeepers, and gave us Direct Training on How To Be An Effective Gatekeeper. but you had to figure all that out on your own.

and talking to somebody who actually understands is the hardest thing in the world. because there is such a low supply of people who actually understand the issues and the people whose jobs it is, to Explain Things They Dont Really Understand, understandably say Fook This Shit, and quit! only to be replaced by other people who dont understand, and so on and so forth, so the only people who stick around are those who learn to Bullshit.

I was better at the job when i had more confidence. you need a lot of confidence to bullshit all day. and when shit went bad with the woman, who was there working with me, confidence fell to an all time low.

stupid to have confidence so dependent on women. women who can do a 180 overnight. go from being a long term friend, to being a total stranger you never knew. overnight. hahahaha.

no it wasnt really overnight, it was a process that occured over 10 months, it just felt like overnight because there was no real communication, so it was easy for me to Not See the gradual distancing.

i didnt think things were THAT BAD, and i thought we would eventually figure shit out. i dont see that as denial on my part, rather i was just flat out mistaken. i was reading the situation wrong. i wasnt reading it right, then denying it. i was just mistaken. SORELY mistaken. which was (mis)guided by my optimism, or, more accurately, the idea that a negative outcome would be unimaginable. and it was. it was the worst thing ever!

but secure normalfags dont get dumped and then their life falls apart. they manage to carry on.

well i am not a secure normalfag obviously!

also i would say that in at LEAST 50% of Severe Dumpings, the people do NOT work together. that was really the crux of the whole situation there.

or if they do, its like a restaurant where people only last 6 months tops, with some blatant whore waitress.

where here, people would linger 2 or 3 years in the entry level job, well, 50% of them, and the other 50% would quit or get fired within like 3 months!

also she was not a blatant crazy whore waitress, and i thought our relationship Meant Something because we had known each other for almost 3 years.

well it meant something to me, and it meant nothing to her.

well thats not even true. it USED to mean something to her, and maybe it still does, but she was too Something to talk about it. scared, angry, annoyed, immature, cowardly?

but it was all my fault because i didnt know how to communicate properly.

fook that! you think SHE knew how to communicate properly?!?!?!?! absolutely not! for that reason it is 60 40 fault at least. the 60 on her hahahaha. i clearly wanted to communicate and she didnt even WANT to communicate.


aug 17

well just take my word for it that it was such a beautiful email and its a shame she’ll never read it! with the right woman, i could have “won her back” hahahaha.

i think about that degen moron normie robin thicke and how he wrote an album to “win back” his estranged wife. i actually like that kind of stuff, soft spot for it. i guess it did not work. and feminists and modern women hate this because it is creepy and weird and desperate and stalkery to have a guy BEG.

but ive never been too proud to beg! aint too proud to beg.mp3

but im not gonna beg and beg and beg and beg and beg over and over and over and over again. there is an end to my begging. and i think i am getting closer to that end thank god.

this is the…..third email i’ve sent her in 1 month after the shit hit the fan. that’s a lot but…..not too much? one ever 10 days? thats not too bad. they did get gradually longer though.

really its much more for MY benefit, so i can convince myself that I’ve said everything I need to say, and if she can just turn her back on THIS, then it truly IS over.

also this time i wanted to “demand satisfaction” for what i felt was very cold treatment and a bad ending, and appealed to her to end it better, let me down easier, show me the respect and kindness that i showed to her, that she used to show to me.

and i went back and revised it so i was saying it in a friendly, civil, polite, non-angry, non-accusatory way.

they say to write letters and never send them. i say SEND the fookin letters, because you clearly have stuff you want to say to the person. but do try to word it so it is not angry or accusatory and you are not burning bridges. believe it or not i abide by this rule! i never burn bridges. i was/am very upset at the woman yet i was able to write a very polite message. that will never get read hahahahaha.

i mean if you get the PRIVILEGE and the LUXURY of meeting with the person and talking privately in person for a god damn hour, then you can maybe show some more emotions, and cry and say i was angry bla bla bla. well i mean i said i was angry because if how i felt she was treating me. but i was very nice about it.

you can be very nice about anything.

shit i looked at it like 8 hours later and suddenly i am not feeling so great about it. like oh i didnt work that quite right, and that sounds weak and desparate, and generally not as awesome. kinda like the same thing that happened with the previous email. but i think the new email was a better email in general too.

i worry that its me slapping a bandaid ON, me trying to get one last fix by sending something to the very last thing I have of her, as I probably have been blocked on the phone.

i’ve been blocked on the phone for gods sakes! if i cant get THAT signal through my head i am hopeless!

i have already been rereading the email too much in my sent folder, just like i did with the last. well its gotten me moving again. i am able to use the computer. even dragged self out to go for walkjog. went and got a Turning The Page type haircut. that’s not bad, the walkjog is not bad.

but the constant rereading of the email and picking apart every sentence is not so great. yeah. so now i can send another 900000 sentence email in 3 weeks to try to say everything just right. while she is out there moving on with her life, carrying on with her life, being strong and not falling apart, making new and fun and sexy and more memorable connections.

i talked about how special our connection was, but she can always say that’s a FANTASY on my part. i am DELUDED. it was OK, but it wasn’t THAT special, i am just a psycho obsessing about a Fantasy World, totally in my imagination, imagining things that weren’t there, being out of touch with reality. in the good days, things were good, but they weren’t THAT good. right? i dunno i thought they were pretty good.

but honestly i had not connected with a woman that deeply in ten years, even if it wasn’t that deep.

it would almost be easier if we had had a real relationship, then i would have banged her 9000000 times, and that would have been a value adding experience hahahaha. and it would be less easy for her to say im  living in a fantasy world, and would make it harder for her to freeze me out completely. but when you dont actually date, then she can do that, and i’m the bad guy for being upset.

i dunno. i claim that the 2 years of friendship meant something, were worth something, were special. i tried to communicate that to her, to appeal to her to agree with that, mainly so we could just end it a little better.

do i really want to end it better, or am i trying to “win her back?” when i never had her to begin with?

well, i DO want it to end better. it ended about as bad as it possibly could.

but even if she attempted to end it better, more “humanely and gently, without hard feelings”, i dont think i could then see her every day, were i to go back to our job. we might be on speaking terms for a while but i would be veyr likely to do something stupid and flush any good karma or goodwill down the crapper. so i still couldnt be around her in other words. the only way i could go back to the job is if we were to start damn dating. which would not be unusual at that job. there are like 5 Couples In Monogamous Committed Relationships who work there Together.

it would have been different if it were a different job. if it were my old job i could have still handled it. if it were a better job i would have tried harder to soldier on until I started getting Warnings for Bad Performance, or Crying in the Bathroom, or just taking Valium on the job to get through the rough patches. like if i were a level 2 or above i would have cared more. but i was a level 1, and level 1’s never get promoted even after 4 years.

many times i said the job just wasnt worth it. and this was the final straw that made me say FOOK IT ALL.

i just dont want to have this happen again in the future, to have a good job jeopardized by damn feelings over women, heartbreak in the workplace.

if it were an actual good job that i was serious about keeping and not DYING to get out of, then i probably wouldnt have quit, even if i saw the woman every day. i would have found a way.

probably by just sucking it up, running to the bathroom to cry every day, by doing a half ass job until i was called in for a meeting by managers, and then just telling them the truth, assuming workplace rels were not a firable offense. i would say yeah i am still getting over it so my performance is gonna suck for like a year or im gonna go postal and sh00t up the place hahahaha. naw but you can usually get three strikes before you’re fired. i would have tried to last three strikes, BEG management, really suck them off, and do everything i could to minimize contact with the person, so i didn’t SEE them working, i didn’t see them entering and leaving the office, so i didn’t hear their damn VOICE and them laughing with the cooler people 15 feet away, or see them whenever i went to the bathroom or to the kitchen or lunch or break.

and also if i had a job that i really wanted to keep for years, namely one that i could do with a frazzled, flustered, unclear mind, and just go thru the motions and fake for a while.

this is all assuming a workplace romance. most people use their work as a way to “return to normalcy” when their wives leave them, when their families die. then they look FORWARD to their job as a way to escape their personal life going to hell.

but when the person who dumped you is right there every day? MUCH DIFFERENT STORY.

writing can be your doom or your salvation. writing is SO RISKY. i am staying up late writing. past week or so i have been so dead i CANT EVEN WRITE. cant go outside and WALK during THE nicest month of the year. i have been waiting ALL YEAR for this and now i cant even enjoy it. all the stupid FANTASIES of going to the lake with the woman and seeing her big fat pale white beautiful ass. god damn. shit. i couldnt even get her to HANG OUT with me for TEN MONTHS.

lessons learned:

  1. you can fall in love after two years of no feelings, and just good old comfortable no-issues platonic friendship. the feelings can convert.
  2. find the topics you dance around. you may talk very honestly about many things, but one or two or three, not so much. find those topics and talk about them ASAP. send her a text boldly saying “so whos your new boyfriend. you have secs yet”
  3. if you have actual feelings and have not confessed them by three months in, just blurt it out via text or awkward moment.

shit if i had hung out with her at any time during 3 months (and it ended up being 10!!!!) i WOULD have confessed. thats just the kind of communicator i am. i try to be honest about those sorts of things. and i would have been sending mad, undeniable signals. probably awkward and clumsy signals, but strong signals nonetheless, that the woman would have to react to in some way.

and because this is important, i wanted to talk about it in person.

so its her fault for not giving me that chance hahahaha.

but yeah she’ll never real the still pretty beautiful and heartfelt email i sent today. i hope i dont get the urge to send another. i mean theres really not much more i need to say. women need to allow men to send them like….10 emails when they dump a guy.

what is this, twelve angry men on TCM. as i get older I enjoy the oldass black and white movies and TCM movies that i thought were corny when i was younger. they’re still corny, but they are good too. not such disgusting degenerate trash like you see on tv now. i am not THAT old, and in my lifetime, in the past 10 or 15 years, TV has just gotten so bad that I am ashamed to watch it.

but now i am so devastated its about the only thing i can do. now i have taken to watching “snapped” on the oxygen channel, which is true life real crime stories about spouses that murder each other, and they talk to the relatives and police, non dramatizations.  and watching simlar murder shows on the “discovery ID” channel. and the occasional TCM movie. that is all i watch. i have even given up king of the hill to spend more time with family. because family is really much more important!

and we often watch british murder mysteries, and this is great non degenerate television. my favourites are “midsomer murders” and “foyles war” and “father brown” is pretty good too. just good clean pg rated non filthy stories. well midsomer gets a little pg13 sometimes, and technically the people do degenerate things like everybodys cheating on each other, everybody’s killing each other. but there is a nice dry british sense of humor to it, and i like it especially when the murder mysteries are: taking place in the country or small towns; taking place in the 40s or 50s; and the episodes are 80 to 100 minutes along, like full movies. so, midsomer and foyle are my favorites.

oh yeah. yet another point on a dead horse that its ok to beat: that men and women are naturally different and its bad for women to be promicious because it shows no self control because women can essentially have secs with any man they want, while men have to work for it, get rejected MUCH MUCH MUCH more, settle for disgusting table scraps, can never get real satisfaction. while women can get a new attractive man every night of the week.

i dont begrudge them that ABILITY because the ABILITY makes perfect sense: women can get pregnant and men can’t. women are the choosers and men are the beggars.

my POINT is, that doesn’t make it OKAY for women to be promiscuous aka “sexually liberated and empowered”. it’s not ok for women to go through a slut phase. its total bullshit.

my point right now is, one of the only ways a man can really RESPECT a woman, is if she’s got a low number. not a slut. not promiscuous.

and that was an important reason why i RESPECTED my gurl.

but it’s really really hard to respect a woman who has been used as a drty jizz bucket, taking it in every hole, getting her face covered in sperm, sucking and worshiping dicks in her mouth, gobbling down sweaty swarthy dicks on drunken fun nights from guys she just met. treating sex as a fun game.

this is why i don’t trust women who have sex outside of a committed monogamous serious relationship. women who don’t take sex SERIOUSLY. because for women sex IS serious. full stop. and you shouldn’t trust loose women either. they’ll get bored of you and your dick soon enough and dump you if you’re lucky, cheat on you if you’re not, break your heart either way.

point is, they treat people like meat, disposable, and don’t care who they hurt. its sociopathic and i have no idea how so many people LIVE like this. I never want to BECOME like that. I hate seeing good people become bad people like that. especially when they are women you are in love with hahahahaha.

oh yes people make mistakes and slip up and do things they’re not proud of. but people can just as often LEARN from their mistakes too. a woman can say, oh god, that night of promiscuous sex was horrible, i never want to do that again. cheating made me feel horribly guilty, i’ll never do that again. getting busted for drunk driving sucks, i’ll never do that again.

some people learn from their lessons and some people DONT, and do the same stupid shit over and over and over again, and become worse and worse. THATS what i dont like. of COURSE i accept that people aren’t perfect. but do they LEARN from their mistakes and CHANGE and IMPROVE? many do, but many don’t. 50 50 hahahahaha.

i prefer people who do improve.

have i learned from my mistakes? kind of. slowly but surely. i got busted for drunk driving and i have not drank alcohol since. i really don’t plan to. the negative association with alcohol is just too strong, too ingrained.

i suppose i learned how to Guard My Heart and not Fall In Love Too Fast. in the past id made that mistake, fell in love with gurls after just a few months of knowing them. but this time it took me two YEARS to fall in love. i had to really become comfortable with the woman and build trust and really know them. of course it still didnt work out but still. hahahaha. at least i didn’t fall in love with her right away.

on occaision i still am tempted by medical herb. for several months this year, i was sm0kin it habitually. feb, march, april, may. four whole months. and could have gone longer if i could get it. then i got some, then shit hit the fan, then i just didnt FEEL like it any more, and i had to get rid of it, give it to a friend, and i am glad i did, but i know one day in the distant future, i will want to partake again, and i look forward to that day. i wish it could have provided me any relief from this horrible bout of derpression.

well, it had a personal connection to her. if it didn’t, then maybe i could. but i am not making any damn money hahahaha.

well i have been OBSESSED with women before, and got over them. it wasnt easy, and it wasnt quick. i can see why i drank a lot during those days! but god damn i KNOW that many times i got drunk and during the depths of my drunkenness i thought about the women and weeped drunk sad bastard tears over them. looked at them on facebook, stalked them on google. i guess the alcohol HELPED me do that, because i could not imagine doing that now. i had to deactivate facebook because i couldnt deal with the fact that she blocked me; or going to my old messages and seeing her name there. you can still see all the old messages, just there name is black instead of blue and it does not link to their profile.

even seeing their profile picture is too much.

threw away everything they gave me, which wasnt much hahaha. it was hardest parting with the medical herb but i got rid of that too.

i had a few pictures of her downloaded from facebook saved at various places on my computer and google drive. had to take some time to find and delete those, but i think i got them all.

deleted all emails i sent her, all emails she sent me, deleted her from contacts, saved her contact info in a text file buried in my google drive however. should probably delete that someday but at this “distance” its not too painful. but fook its her birthday next week. last year we were getting along very well around her birthday, i took her to dinner, we talked and hung out, i could kinda feel things starting to change maybe but i still wasnt sure, and i was definitely wondering about that guy in her facebook picture.

but i was too scared to just ask her. i should have just asked her. in the future i will learn from that mistake. dear god i hope so.

and this is definitely related to how i waited too long to talk about muh feelings too. if i had not been afraid to talk about the boifran, i would have been like, oh well who is this mysterious guy you dont trust so much. oh its the guy you’re fooking, and you think he’s cheating on you? well dump the loser and get with me because i actually like you and would treat you right. yes thats right i have feelings for you, deal with it.

and then all this shit could have been done by like november hahahaha instead of next july. also that is the more manly, confident, direct way of dealing with it, and would have made me less of a bad guy hahaha.

going to college but also launching a startup. kiss my ass best buy commerical faggot. this is why i cant watch commericials, get too angry.

meh. i guess i really DO care if she READS the email. it would be NICE if she READ it. like really took the time to read it carefully, not just scroll through it and delete it, a long creepy email from that creep.

i would be a creep if i knew her for a couple weeks or months. but i knew her a lot longer than that. i knew her long enough to where i felt i actually KNEW her and she knew me. that’s what so devastating to me, is that i don’t think she’s showing THAT relationship the respect it deserves. you dont have to like what happened, but at least respect the foundation that came before.

this is what i said in the email, tho in a MUCH nicer way hahahaha.

shit sometimes i worry i might be a damn abuser, i just never got close enough to a woman to abuse them. they dump me before a long term rel can start, you gotta have a long term rel as a prerequisite for true abuse hahahaha. i worry about it because i can get really obsessed about and angry at women when shit goes wrong. like what would happen if i had an actual long term gurlfran and we had a big fight. would i flip out and beat her? i really couldnt see myself beating a woman, but i could see myself like grabbing their arm maybe, or punching the wall hahahaha. i have punched walls and thrown shit and broken shit before when i get super angry like once every couple years or so hahahaha.

i dunno. i don’t think i would be a true abuser. i definitely have a temper though. but i couldn’t see myself BEATING anyone unless they were ATTACKING me and i was trying to defend myself.

but yeah everything just went so wrong. i wish i didnt work with her, or i wish it were more possible to work with her, so then i could still have my job to go to and make money and get my mind off her. well, kinda hard to get my mind off her IF SHES THERE!!!!!!

and just as the situation with her was unsustainable, the situation with the godawful job was unsustainable. maybe everything happening at once like this was GODS PLAN. A SIGN FROM GOD.


aug 13

late at night. i should not even be writing. damn. so yeah this is by far the worst heartbreak of the whole life. only thing that comes close is woman 2 and 3, which were actually both in quick succession, both in the space of 1 year. cant believe i developed feels for 2 women in 1 short year, in fact it was 3 women, woman 4 was in there. but i never made out with her hahahaha. i did make out with woman 2 and 3, those two i pseudo dated before they dumped me for being too serious and they just wanted some casual fun. well they got what they wanted hahahaha.

i would love if woman6/8 (current) contacted me in a few months saying lets Reconnect and then we started dating and then i would have to bang her early because thats what all women want because thats what theyre used to, having secs within like 1 or 2 dates. then i would get serious all over again and she would probably dump me and i would be even more heartbroken. but at least i wouldnt be working with her hahahaha.

woman 2 and 3 were bona fide certified crazy bitches, just middle class career gurls, maneaters, who had done thru many men before me, and certainly many men after. i can see now how the match between me and them was horrible. there was no real connection, no foundation.

but i cant say that about this woman6/8. we had a connection, we got along well, we were similar, she was not a maneater, although she may be becoming one now, its sad. because of our “connection” i felt closer to her than i did to either woman 2 or 3, and i at least dated them for like few weeks hahaha. but out of all the women in my life, i think the connection with this woman was the most real, the deepest, the most meaningful, and thats why this is gonna hurt the most ever. and take the longest to get over. because it also ended horribly, no closure whatsoever; and because i cant hate her because she is not a bad person or a crazy bitch or a deceptive two face; because it also involves a job loss.

i try to go out and socialize when i can, but always end up comparing myself to the other people, who are well adjusted, gainfully employed, in rels, or not in rels and casually fooking people, and i think, well i like these people and they are more or less my friends, but they are totally different from me. it is hard to find a real connection. of course i try to look for the good in all peopel and its really not hard to find. but then more comparing. how come i just cant work a damn job like these people. they have a long day at work and can still come out and play trivia. when i was working i would go on hiatus from trivia because i couldn’t handle it. i would have to go to bed super early to try to sleep, just so i could squeeze in a short unsatisfying walk, and then study bullshit from my job. the cases of the day, cases of other people, shit i didnt understand, read shitty articles trying to clarify shit i didnt understand, and not getting anywhere becuase the articles sucked. were impossible to understand and often did not include useful information, because that was in secret documents given only to higher ups. that was how our company worked and why i wanted to get out of there, and also get out of the Field of Technical Support altogether. well i sure accomplished that!

so i try to tell myself thats what GODS PLAN was for me in this trial. but what does GOD want me to do next? contact this woman in 3 months hahahaha? no because i will always want her. if she contacts me then thats somewhat different. i mean i would tell her yeah lets hang out and talk, but i will always have feelings for you, i will always wonder what if, i will always want to give this a try. but she probably wont contact me!

so yeah it feels like i will never get over this, over her. but it is still super early. it will definitely take a long time. last time i made a big deal out of, well its gonna take at least 100 days. i kinda had fun with it. i cant do that now. i can barely get out of bed. also we had decent closure there, and i wasnt as attached to her. and i could still cope with life, do my job, do my stupid math classes. i recall it took longer than 100 days as well! but certainly less than 200 hahaha. then i saw that woman again like 9 months later and THAT was rough, that put me into a bit of a funk and i think i decided to increase my dose of paxil, which i was trying to cut back on because it was poison. then i said fook it, i did not want to see her again, pump me full of drugs, im desperate.

at this time i was developing my friendship with woman6/8! and me still getting over woman 5/7 also prevented me from getting super duper lovey dovey with woman6/8, and of course she had a long rel ongoing at the time.

in contrast to now, those were such good times!!!!

i am also a bit angry because it is not looking good to get my old job back, i have applied and sent a nice email to the manager. i dont really want to call them. recall this is the same place where i was on the short list for a sweet full time position late last year (shortly after my feels for the woman came into being.) i was pretty angry about not getting the job. now here i am applying for a much much lesser job in the department and not even getting a chance for an interview because they are probably gonna hire a 19 year old college student, and just dont want to even deal with me ever again. i mean i was essentially trying to beg for a favor, without trying to sound like i was begging. because you gotta always be positive. cant ever speak freely.

very mixed feelings about leaving my job. the one i was workign with the woman, getting good hours and good pay. more i think about it though, more i am not really that regretful about leaving it. it was a horrible job, and also workign with her would drive me mad, it already was.

i was going more crazy abotu the job, already staying up late, losing more sleep than usual, reading stupid cases and articles, even though i wasnt doing calls on those issues. writing more, staying up late writing, because i vowed to “expose these faggots” and really just vent all the 9000000000000000 tons of anger i had about the job and give examples of how stupid it was.

i might have been able to last one more 10 month season if she was not there. but her being there def pushed me over the edge, which i was definitely at already. and i am sure her being there helped pushed me TO the edge as well. definitely. it was affecting the work i was doing already. this is why you never fall in luv with a coworker. unless you have a really easy job that you can do while being distracted and angry and anxious all day. not a job where you need to focus like a steel trap math test all day every day.

but yeah you see some people they have good connections. mates that is. men and women that argue all the time and just do not seem to luv each other. marriages that you can tell are not going to last. people that really dont have anything in common. vs people that do have a good connection. i was at  wedding for one friend in 2014 and it was very touching and positive because you could tell that both him and his wife had a deep connection with each other, that they loved each other, and this marriage would probably last a long time, and then a year later, they have a wonderful baby child.

and i felt i had that connection with this woman. that is whats gonna make this so hard. we were both laid back people, both not super duper experienced with a lot of people, she only had 1 real boifran when we met. also i am not really laid back, but i present myself as very laid back, and prefer laid back people, and people think i am laid back, and i like to be thought of as laid back, even though on the inside, i am very high strung. i would much prefer to BE laid back. she wasnt promiscuous or a cheater, we both disliked cheaters and sluts, we had similar likes and dislikes, she did not wear a lot of makeup or dress like a whore, she was relatively awake to the things going in the world, she was gentle and kind and sweet and had a good heart, and though i was very jaded and bitter, i felt i still had a little bit of those things left in me too. she could bring out the best in me. maybe make me strong if this had worked.

but instead i am weaker THAN EVER. she was relatively young, she did not have any kids, she did not have too much baggage from past bad relships.

well instead of remembering all the reasons why i loved her, i should try to go back to the beginning and remember the reasons why i was On The Fence about ever Dating her. like when i thought, well she’s a little weird looking and secs with her would just be Too Weird. or her family life is too fooked up and that in and of itself is too much baggage, her background is just too tragic and rough.

yeah i used to think, shes my friend, and she’s not ugly, but secs with her would be JUST TOO WEIRD. I cant even bring myself to think about her that way. Heck I tried a couple times!!!! and it still felt weird.

heh.  after time it stopped feeling weird and somehow ended up feeling 1000000% right and not weird. such that i wanted to Date her, cuddle with her, touch her, make out with her, stare into her eyes, have intimate secs with her, have kinky secs with her, etc.

heh. for the pain of this heartbreak it would have been nice to actually really Date for like 2 months like i did with other women. who knows. what kind of communication would we have had. now that i think about it, my communication was never so great with the other women too. but how come it has to be ALL ON ME? i thought any kind of relship was supposed to be a two way street. i mean they have to WANT TO TRY.  and in my life, i’ve always WANTED TO TRY a lot harder than they did. they would rather throw it away. like i would want to throw away a shitty job hahahahaha.