STRUGGLE WITHOUT CUDDLES

aug 3

wewlad. well had a big interview yesterday and today i had a “market research” study for 2 hours of “work” for which i get paid $200. sign me up to do this as muh job. give me a firm 40 hahahaha.

it was really very interesting and fun and positive. there were people from fookin STANFORD there. attractive young stanford business students, who were going to become powerful career women and executives, yet some of them just seemed like perky young college students to me. early 20s girls, some of whom looked vaguely Jooish. the type of gurls you see at Serious Colleges. they are always young and always in good shape and always pretend to be smart, rather than big fat burger white trash proles with their fast food guts and tattoos and filthy mouths.  i am a sucker for these midde class gurls. I dont see a lot of them because i dont spend a lot of time around universities, or in workplaces where professional young women are employed hahahaha. but they are definitely attractive. very bangable.

and everyone was very nice and welcoming. sure its fake but i dont care. i will take somebody being fake nice over somebody being whatever. besides, on the level of our interaction, it wasnt really fake fake. i know that drives the autists crazy which is why they HATE small talk and “fake” niceness etc, everything has to be all deep conversations all the time with these autists, and then they wonder why they are depressed autistic virgin neets hahahaha.

they were just successful normies who had no reason to be mean, and its part of their job to be nice and get The Consumers Talking. And I was happy to oblige.

The whole thing was not what I expected. This was all some HIGH END stuff. People from STANFORD. Stanford BUsiness School working on some sort of collaborative project at World Headquarters of a very large well known company located somewhat near me. about 20 miles travel hehehe. going downtown.  the kind of company real big winners work at. which professional good college student boys and girls try to get summer internships at.

there was art on the walls about the power of disruptive thinking and how to be a real change agent. one mural making fun of traditional business type “orthodoxy” and how this company was gonna turn that on its ear and make itself a real Change Agent getting the best Thinkers and Talent to market their products. There were several copies of this SETH GODIN book sitting on the table for the participants to read. I was probably the only one who knew who he is. Notes: I shold probably read some of his books to learn how to speak the bullshit language of business and marketing. SPeak the language of a Value Adder who is WORTH 28k a year hahahaha. which the young professionals I spoke to today definitely made, hehehe. or they were getting a damn executive mba from a top ten biz school where they would then enter into a 150k a year mid manager position.

I was studying them even more than they were studying me. I thought they were going to ask about uber cars. but they didnt at all. They were asking about feelings and emotions and telling specific stories about times I felt more or less “fearless.” I do not have many specific stories because I have not been living life for the past 2 or 3 years or so hahahaha. it then seemed like these teams of researchers were studying ways of interviewing and communicating during interviews. like how can an interviewer structure and guide an interview in the most productive way.

there were little “breakout” sessions where I talked with groups of people for 10 minutes or so. As I did a few more I got more comfortable, less autistic.  then I talked with two people, and our conversation was watched by like 4 or 5 other Stanford Researchers, and we started off doing a “Bad Interview”, then they sent me off, talked amongst themeslves, but I could hear them talking, then called me back to do a “Good Interview”, which really didn’t seem that much different. Like I guess they were supposed to be assholes in the first situation and then nice and open and friendly the second time. but everyone was pretty nice all around.

Then I talked to a real Ubermensch Hyperborean. He was like 27 years old, like 6 foot 3 at least, wearing good clothes, very handsome, very charming, total UberChad. Normally I am suspicious of these guys because they used to make fun of me in high school and they were always the popular chads who all the women chose over short quiet dorks like me hahaha.

but i have become less autistic over the years and he was very nice to me and i was very nice back to him.

one of the Stanford Researchers seemed more autistic and awkward than me!

well, maybe he worked for the Big Company. The big company is very prestigious too, but you don’t have to go to STANFORD to get a job there. You could be a good student at Cal State and get a job there.

but yeah it was exciting seeing these young college gurls. some were quite attractive and I wanted to bang them. but they were both way too young AND way too successful for me. and way too attractive. but here they are being super nice to me and paying me 100 bucks an hour. literally.

how the hell did i get this? because I signed up for a local Market Research Firm like 8 years ago and every once in a while they contact me for big on-site projects with their Big Client, ie this Big Company.  and this one happened to be at world HQ of this big company, and is the most high-profile, high-paying, classy type project I have done so far. This does NOT happen often folks. like once a year or once every 2 years. and often I get DQ’d because I am too old or I dont have perfect 20 20 vision or I dont have a Smart Phone. I got DQ’d from one because I still use an oldschool nonsmart Flip Phone, like all Trump voters hahahahahaha.

it was all interesting and exciting and fun, but I felt ultimately useless, and it was ridiculous these beautiful smart successful normies could make great money doing this “research”. they probably have relationships with people theyre attracted to too hahahaha. well their GF probably cucks them then. well not if they are making 80, 100k a year, or going to STANFORD! so they get the bitchy career gurl as a GF. I mean of course she will ultimately divorce them, but they will get a few good years of monogamous bangs out of her when she is young and beautiful, and that’s worth a lot!

the participants were dumb white proles hahahahaha. no only semi kidding. but i mean who is available during a Workday to do a Survey? Pill Popping jobless white trash, and thuggish nonwhite trash, who would probably rather sell drugs than do a research survey. or forget to show up. there was a potatoe shaped white woman with a broken arm and ugly tattoos on her arm. There were 45 year old white women with some tattoos on their arms. There was a 40 or 37 year old woman who I wanted to bang. very nice legs and body. I should have charmed her. she walked funny as if she had an injury and she gave off a very crazy vibe. she wasnt super hot, but she was DEF hot enough.

i mean if she were being super nice to me like these researchers were, yeah I would like that hahahaha.

this ties into something i realized recently: it doesnt take much for me to generate interest in a person. if they are NICE to me, that’s generally enough. just be nice to me and be good at talking to me hahahaha. which is these researchers JOB, to get me talking. Now I am good at rambling once you get me talking.

but yeah add a little NICENESS in with that, like smile and be nice and dont be a bitch, and then you will have worked your way into muh heart. show some interest in me and dont bust muh balls or judge me. its not that hard, ladies hahahahahahahahahahahahaha

but yeah that is too much to ask of a woman because as a man, it’s YOUR job to LEAD. in life, in conversations, in everything, and I’ve never been good at taking the LEAD.

now one of the women participants was wearing what looked like a JOOISH star of david. she was in her 40s but in quite good shape. probably would bang. would def not marry hahahahaha. I tried to study her face for signs of jooishness. because all jooish women get nose jobs hahahaha.

pretty sure at least one of the cute young gurl professionals was jooish. had reddish hair and kind of pasty skin. not sure about the KHAZAR MILKERS hahahahahahaha.

yeah i mean not all jooish women are disgusting sea hags, some are very cute, I’m ashamed to say. would race mix with /10.

i should have talked to her about it hahahaha.

pretty sure one of the male researchers I talked to was a J. had a very jooish name on his nametag.

its exciting for me because I met a ton of joos when I was at Jooniversity but not since then. I simply do not live in that kind of upper middle class neighborhood, nor have I worked in Professional 50k+ workplaces where Joos would have their Careers. I have no contact with them. I just read about them and listen to TRS podcasts about how horrible they are hahahahahahahaha.

yeah I will never soften on that, but I wouldn’t mind banging a few of those young jooish qts before THROWING THEM IN THE OVEN hahahahaha.

but seriously folks it wuldnt be that hard for them to get a get out of the oven pass from me. just be NICE to me.

i mean im really not THAT hateful, i really CAN get along with Marketing Research people very well! Who are nice to me and make an effort to pull muh talk string. Well, I mean, they dont even need to pull my talk string, really all they need to do is ask me ONE open ended question to get me started, then I could Ramble On for an hour. not that hard.

like i say, i was quickly warming up to the Big Chad Guy just because he was NICE to me.

and im not used to attractive women being nice to me. i mean i just appreciate niceness. if someone is blatantly nice to me, i really appreciate it. that was a big reason me and that woman became friends. because she was just super nice to me and very easy to talk to. i enjoy being nice to people but because i am an autist neet, i seem cold and aloof. but i really enjoy being nice. i sometimes need people to break the ice though. and she did, and she was super nice to me, and i was super nice to her, and we became friends, and after a while, i trusted her and liked her more, and appreciated her niceness more and more, and then i wanted her to be nice to me in a different way, which she couldnt, and then all the niceness was gone entirely.

i appreciate men being nice too. i like nice men too hahahahahaha.

but yeah it DOES take EFFORT to be nice, so it might not be considered super EASY. although sometimes it is easy.

like the people i meet every week for my social event, we get along fine, but we arent super NICE to each other.

also i was reminded how i dont have any STORIES, because I dont get out and LIVE LIFE. I dont DO THINGS, I dont TAKE ACTION, I dont have deep relationships with people, or even exciting ones where story-worthy things happen. i don’t mind being a BORING WALLFLOWER, but I would like to have a FEW more stories. I mean I have that story about That Person but that’s just a PATHETIC story that makes me look like a total WEIRDO….which I kinda am!

Cuz the market researchers were i think studying real high level meta shit, like How People Tell Stories and How People Communicate and How to Get People To Tell Stories about Times When and How To Lead a Productive Interview. Yes it IS pretty interesting stuff!  I would have liked to stay LONGER and I would be happy to give them more in depth stuff. I would sit in a room and just talk for an HOUR if they wanted. SHIT, its a lot more fun than INTERVIEWING. cuz there you are being judged mercilessly, rejected, not being paid anything, and though interviewers are generally nice, they arent SUPER nice like the marketers. i mean you feel like you are being pampered, and people are INTERESTED in you and your stupid rambling opinions are VALUABLE. And they are really suckin your D. I LIKE THAT! Even if I know my opinions dont matter, and their research is shit. I like having nice qt young gurls sucking muh D saying OH THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!

oh even nice handsome Chad Men, where in the Real World I could never hope to have their Sloppy Seconds!

and i dont really see it as fake, because this is part of their job, and for the most part, they enjoy their chosen career. they are a good fit for this sort of work. they are people people who are interested in watching and talking to people.

I enjoy people watching a lot as well, but the people interacting is difficult for me. If I were less Anxious and INtroverted, I would have been a pretty good Marketer and could see myself attracted to that sort of career. fookin normie extraverts, with attractive gfs. attractive men and attractive women. they dress well, are well-liked, live in nice neighborhoods, have careers not jobs, they went to University, total middle class. shiny happy people. beautiful people.

then at 35 their wife divorces them and sets them on their way to a midlife crisis hahaha. but before the women turn 30, it’s all good times. and there were definitely a few “junior level” under 30 women there. probably sucking dick to get to the top hahahahaha. i mean i would have no chance with these 25 year old women. they are dating their damn 40 year old boss. after his wife divorces him hahahaha no problem he just hooks up with a 24 year old gurl with a shiny new MBA.  she also works out and isnt a fat potato who has let herself go.

shit yeah i notice all the fat people vs nonfat people. as a sorta fat person who is becoming a nonfat person. And I definitely want a nonfat waifu. That Woman had a nice big bottom and thighs but she was not fat or overweight at all.

i have never gotten feelings for a fat or even Overweight gurl, so I figure I owe it to them to not be fat myself hahahaha. or not overweight.

anyway the seth godin book was called your turn is now or waiting for your turn and it was actually not bad, i think it was partially successful in its goal to inspire and motivate, that J is good at his chosen profession hahahaah.

this is the kind of place that has no dress code, probably listen to a ted talk every morning, have team huddles, get gym membership and probably very very good benefits, i mean this is a destination career. young achievers with nononline MBAs who wear skinny jeans and i dunno joy division or velvet underground shirts in the office. maybe even have a mohawk. absolutely rides a bike to work and lives in a hipster neighborhood right on the cusp of Gentrification, and also do a lot of pro-nonwhite nonprofit volunteering to assuage their white swpl guily. VERY SWPLy and hipstery for sure.

but also nice and good people skills because they are Extravert Marketers and not total Weirdo Autists. these poeple are def NOT neet virgins. they are DEFINITELY not nevergf or foreveralone. they are socially well adjusted hahaha.

and not so far out they actually make their career in Nonprofits and Activism. That’s a whole other bunch of hipsters.

so i would have no chance with the young stanford jooish cuties, and my 1488 bruders would hang me for admitting to finding any joos attractive, so I simply wouldn’t flaunt it around them. i certainly would not want to marry or have babies with these gurls.

but what if they were really nice to me? over the long term? and loyal and devoted to me?

heh these issues came up in the study. there was stuff like talk about what it means to you for someone to have your back, and alot of the stuff led naturally into talking about relships, the closer and more important the relship, the better. I bet the normies would be led quite easily to telling stories about their GF or BF. a special relationship with someone who is important to you. and I spoke of how those kind of relationships are important to me…….but I dont have any recent stories to tell you.  and there is talk of personalities and fit and im an introvert and dont mingle with new people a lot, but I do enjoy close connections bla bla bla and really talking about some pretty serious issues!

then ding ding time is up, move to the other group! i felt they cut us off just as things were getting interesting.

definitely a very interesting afternoon, the most interesting “market research” thing I’ve done probably ever hahahaha. a lot more fun than mturk or even talking about a damn product. there was hardly any talk of products or services. usually in those cases i just laugh and say whatever i’m really easy to please. just give me a good product at a fair price. hell not even a fair price. and also a company that doesn’t bullshit its customers, or bullshit its employees, and is loyal to its employees, hires from within, doesnt add more and more retarded managers that dont know shit but how to lay off good workers to save a buck.

maybe this is my sign to buy a seth godin book and memorize the bullshit phrases hahaha.

and i am going back there tomorrow! i will try to stay after tomorrow to talk to the people more. see if i can sign up for moar studies. i mean these people are paying me GOOD MONEY essentially have fun and do interesting things where people are super nice to me. SIGN ME UP! I could do this 80 hours a week! for 100 dollars an hour hahaha.

also if i see that crazy 40 year old woman with the nice legs tomorrow i should Chat Her Up hahahaha and try to have short term casual secs with her. she did not have any visible tattoos, which was more than I could say for some of the other women, and she did not look like a potato. that is very important to me hahahaha.

also these bigshots didnt seem THAT much smarter than me. if they can make 100k a year, I can surely make 30k a year. they just had more confidence, and more experience in the normie world of confidence and success and GFs and sheeeit hahaha.

ok found this cute gurl on linkedin who was part of the research today. holy sheet sheet is jooish as HELL with one of the most jooish names you could imagine. need hearing protection for those echoes. she got a BS in 2014 from CORNELL in “design and environmental analysis.” which is probably “organizational studies” which is probably just “HR” for IVY LEAGUE joos such as her.

god damn. she was cute though, I wanted to plow her and maybe even cuddle with her.

but life is a constant struggle with no cuddles.

STRUGGLE WITH NO CUDDLES.

heres another guy in her dept, 2014 bachelors from not an ivy league but a pretty respectable private college in the state, useless degree like me, but lots of good internships and “apprenticeships” preparing him for this role. fellowships and shit. jooish name too. had the same fellowship as the gurl. i am sure they fooked, but do they still fook? probably.

another young woman, possibly latina, BA degree from state college in 2013. no masters degrees here! this state college was my univs main rival and my univ was seen as intellectually and professionally superior to those Boorish Fraternity Business Majors who just want to get drunk and bang sluts and get an easy business degree. total chads.

alot of these people did useless BA’s in psychology, sociology, anthropology. even human resources and hospitality is less useless than those! but the common denominator is, they went to decent, and sometimes outstanding schools, AND, more important, were VERY active in building their resume throughout college with internships and programs that look really good on a resume, which got them into GOOD jobs with this big company, as 2014 undergrads, with no masters degree. it was the internships that did it. they were moving and shaking. that is exactly where I failed.

yeah these kids are like NINE years younger than me, theyre even younger than That Woman. hehehehe. and they are WAY ahead of where I will EVER be, because they made the right moves during college, and I did not. and I can’t make myself young again to make those right moves the first time. these jobs are BUILT for YOUNG high acheivers on the fast track. I ALMOST got on the fast track, and I could have very realistically been there like them. But I missed it. I didn’t even know how to get on it. I had no idea internships were so IMPORTANT.

but its what separates young huge winners like them, from old huge losers like me.

sheeeeit i gotta get muh stuff ready for my interview for the 12k a year job tomorrow hahahaha. and these KIDS are making i dunno 60k a year with potential for a LOT more in the future. and they had useless degrees too! they just did a bunch of really good internships all the way from freshman year.  while i just smoked MJ and got angry that I couldn’t make friends and get a GF hahahahaha. and slacked muh studies and DIDNT EVEN TRY to get internships. I DIDNT EVEN TRY. partially because I HAD NO IDEA. I dont come from that world and no one I know does. NOBODY TOLD ME because nobody I knew KNEW what you had to do. Muh fam is more working class and doesnt know how to succeed in college. We thought that doing ok and graduating is enough. IT ISNT.

but joos from middle class families, their middle class jooish family and JCC makes sure they are on track every year of their lives, because they udnestand the important of getting on the fast track early, and once you miss it, you dont really get a second chance. i mean a 40 year old man who got an online mba is not gonna get these same “entry level” jobs that a 22 year old grad from cornell with a prestigious yearly City Revitalization fellowship is gonna get.

so am i man enough to Game N Bang that 22 year old jooish qt Cornell Grad hahahahaha would that make me feel IN CHARGE, make me feel like a BIG IMPORTANT EXPANSIVE MAN? would that make me feel confident, powerful, and FEARLESS? yeah it would hahahaha tbhfam. it would feel real good.

at one time, like at age 18 or so, i was on that level too. i just fooked up and she didnt. not just her but many people like her. successful, high achieving, fast track ubernormies. they have good social skills and good career skills and were never put off track by their own damn personal issues and insecurities and weaknesses. and they worked hard, their earned what they got, im not begrudging them that. I’m begrudging myself for letting myself get off track when i was young. because i couldnt handle my own not very difficult life. because i should just went to a damn SHRINK but i was too STUBBORN.

i could have gone to a shrink for “free” at muh university. but i was too STUPID, STUBBORN, and IMMATURE.

anyway i will ask the nice smart qt jooish gurl tomorrow if I can sign up with this office for future stuff like this. you dont need to go through that marketing firm, you can contact me directly. and also wanna go to the mikva and talk about mitzvahs and tikkun olam. hahahahahahahahahaha. im sure your jooish BF wont mind if you get a little side GOYMEAT.

sheeeeit getting up at 620 am tomorrow to do damn interview.

i looked at 3 of the people involved with the “ideas lab” on linkedin and one of them looked at my profile in return. not the qt jooish genius gurl. but the not super attractive latina gurl. she is a year older and still 8 or 9 years younger than me and is like a manager or supervisor there hahahaha. ive never supervised anybody or been promoted anywhere hahaha. shes i dunno i didnt get a good look at her at the thing today. she’s under 25 so that automatically makes her HAWT right? I know she wasnt morbidly obese because nobody there is. but how potatoey is she? well everyone there is very image conscious, which means they care about not being fat, which is good hahahaha. i wish all prole women werent fat and trashy hahaha. we have to MAKE PROLES GREAT AGAIN.

its where i come from and what i identify as, but i hate how so many white proles are white trash. it really made me want to Become Middle Class. I liked the Classy Image of it all. the beautiful people, smart and sophisticated, even the WOMEN. the women read books and paid attention to current events and didnt have horrible tattoos and werent fat hahahaha.

but really i can speak both languages to an extent. well…..a very small extent hahahaha. i can speak middle class better than average proles can hahahaha. and i can probably speak prole better than average middle class can. i have ALWAYS been straddling these two worlds.

white trashcan hahahahaha

when i talked to the first set of people today i was very awkward and weird. after talking to several groups i had gotten markedly better, or at least felt more confident, whcih is all that really matters. marketing research proves it hahaha. science. and other jooish lies hahahahahahahaha.

that sweet little jooish gurl probably DOESNT EVEN REALIZE how EVIL her people are. in fact maybe her family is one of The Good Ones.

you think im so antisemitic because I “dated” a jooish gurl 10 years ago, she broke my heart, I got buttmad, it wasnt even a real relationship, it was a 1 month casual thing, i was stupid to get feelings, so NOW I H8 JOOS.

not so! what it DID do was make me interested in joos. studying this Interesting, Fascinating Race. It wasnt until after a few years of studying how horrible they were that I came to h8 da joos. and again i would probably be VERY lenient if young qt jooish gurls were being NICE to me. they can go in the oven last hahahahahaha.

i KNEW she looked jooish hahahahaha. glad to see my joodar still works.

no, she did not have a hideous face like khazar milkers.

also i fully admit that I was an idiot with the jooish gurl 10 years ago. i shouldnt have gotten feelings, i should have just accepted it was a casual thing….but i just cant do that. no i wasnt an IDIOT. I just dont like DEGENERATE casual secs! and joos do hahaha. but in her defense she wasnt terrible mean about it. she was nice and sympathetic when she dumped me. which is a lot more than i can say about that white woman of 2015!!!!!!!!!!!!

but thats the thing. even if this 22 year old jooish gurl is not bad……what is she gonna be like when she is 44, 66? probably acting and looking more jooish. maybe start going to temple or whatever they call it. and how often did she go to JCC during high school? do jooish stuff during college? i didnt see any blatantly jooish stuff on her linkedin resume tho. well she had such a good resume she didnt NEED to put any joo stuff on it, she probably did that stuff ANYWAY because she is a high energy high achiever. worked in joocamp during high school. too long ago to put on res.

also what about her GRANDPARENTS. all joos luv their grandparents and no doubt they have some stories of the CAMPZ and the EBUL NAHTZEES and the OVENZ and the CAMPZ and the SOAP and LAMPSHADES, OY VEY, WHAT A SHOAH.

and beloved grandparents telling those stories to little children can make a big impression.

well why would old grannies LIE about OVENS?

because theyre hysterical and they dont even KNOW theyre lying. you know how some people have really BAD memories and they EXAGGERATE and BULLSHIT.

also i dont doubt there were CAMPS of some sort. i just doubt they were the lean mean joo genociding machines that elie wiesel would have us believe.

maybe i should talk about all this with that jooish gurl tomorrow hahahahaha.

so yeah i can have a failrly normie conversation with people…..it just takes a few attempts to get in the groove. like when i was taking my calls, many of my calls i handled REALLY WELL. i wish i had recorded them. just recorded them all. they did have recordings of all calls but damned if i had access to them.

but when i meet someone for the FIRST TIME, or I have a JOB INTERVIEW, yeah its gonna be a little awkward. why cant these normies just accept that?

like if they gave me a chance and worked with me for a few days, well i would probably act more normie.

well, i mean jobs and interviews, you are iherenlty being judged and evaluated at ALL TIMES, so yeah that puts you on edge.

who DOES make GOOD decisions under pressure? pressure compromises your decision making quality! yeah i can make decisions but theyre not gonna be GREAT!

also, re that woman, why couldnt she look for the GOOD in me? she used to. and the good stuff never really LEFT. I never really changed THAT much. i was still the same good person, i just had these new feelings. why did she ONLY see the BAD, that she couldnt see the GOOD any more at ALL? so yeah that sucks.

look for the good, you used to see the good. its still there. i never wanted to become a bad person. but thats how you treated me! just as bad as losing you is the thought that omg, AM I A BAD PERSON? because I just cant live with that. I do not have much confidence but I used to be somewhat confident I was a GOOD PERSON. I can’t lose that sense of certainty, then Ive lost ALL I GOT.  so losing that was almost as bad as losing HER!

http://www.bloomberg.com/view/articles/2016-08-03/why-millennials-are-having-less-sex

aug 4

had 9 am interview, got it done with, it was actually very good, they said i was very articulate and a good communicator, which  i was happy to hear, since a lot time i worry about sounding like a retarded autist. but sometimes i can Communicate well, ie BUllshit well, its really the ONLY skill i have and the only way I will sell myself for 12k a year hahahaha

OOOOOOOOOO LOOK AT ME, I MAKE THIRTY THOUSAND DOLLARS A YEAR, IM SO IMPORTANT!

http://washingtonmonthly.com/magazine/junejulyaug-2015/the-post-ownership-society/

swpl phaggot writing in leftist mag but he makes some good points about Working For A Living for us shitty nonstem grads hahahaha. not he but she. she also had stupid false points about women being financially devastated by divorce hahahaha yeah right.

i dunno. be sure to read the comments of courshe.

i mean yeah she and many other like her made bad choices as youth which led to them being financially not so good as adults. they shouldnt have taken on 100k in debt in useless degrees.

and i can sympathize because i am also a member of the Bad Life Choices club and now i am Asshurt about it. bitching and moaning that the world owes me a 28k a year job hahahahaha.

yeah it sucks, but at least i am not a leftist communist like the author and her fook buddies. but some of the communists had good points about international bankers hahahaha. and i dont like free markets when they hurt a nation or a RACE. The White Race. I am STAUNCHLY pro-white, unlike this author and her bohemian starving artist friends. but i too am an older millennial and will likely still be Not Making It at Age 35. which is not far away hehehe.

its sorta ok when youre 25 (and even then not ideal, and wouldnt happen in my amerka hahaha), but by 35 youre like holy shit ive wasted my life, ive made a huge mistake, i should just K myself now hahahaha.

i went in to do the interview, got a better look at the facility at the millions of dollars of machinery they have. i mean i honestly think what this place is doing is legit awesome and great, no bullshit. it is training long term unemployed people the skills they need as quickly as possible to get 30k+ jobs. to fill real skills gaps in manufacturing jobs. because the only manufacturing that is left is “advanced manuacturing” and requires more training. and companies dont train. you have to pay to train yourself at a skool. and the supply of that training is very limited, hidden almost. i mean you can pay 14 THOUSAND dollars to take 6 months of training at HVAC skool so you can make 15 dollars an hour there…..or you can pay i dunno less than 7 thousand dollars to get trained on fookin expensive robot machines and make 20 dollars an hour.

they showed me around and there were a bunch of white people getting schooled there. these are jobs for a strong white working class that is an endangered species…..and this place is DIRECTLY acting to fix that. I could not find a more pro-white job or place! they might as well have a huge industrial size OVEN in there where they shovel in joos and blaqs and muzzies and mudsharks and traitors!

if i were faced with an enemy and a traitor and I had but one bullet left, I would let the traitor have it hahahahahaha

I tried to emphasize that I really liked that sort of stuff and would possibly like to become a student here.  i’m not sure they understood how serious i was. but they said i was very articulate in general. i even seemed SO articulate that they asked how I got that way hahahaha. so i said thank you, strong communication is very important to me, and ive tried to improve myself in that area, so it’s good to hear it’s working.

i mean if anything this is a SIGN FROM GOD that I should GET TRAINING AT THIS PLACE on one of the fooking million dollar robot machines!!!!! they get millions of dollars from FEDGOV! literally! department of labor grants which sounds like one thing fedgov is actually doing right with taxpayer money! unless its all theater, a scam. like spending millions to help black keeds graduate high school.

well this shit is more important than high school!!!!!!!! and its manufacturing!!!!! actually building stuff!!!! honest actual work!!!!

these jobs exist but they cant find people to fill them because the Shop Rats dont know such high tech machines! and since companies wont train their own people….they get this facility to train them!!!! getting fedgov and i’m sure state and county money as well. and it is basically a part of the local college. but their training is VERY job oriented.

i mean its the ONE THING that doesnt look like a huge scam to me!

they only thing stopping me is that you have to call them for more information. because you cant just sign up for A Class. but i am fookin afraid to call them. even though i have had TWO INTERVIEWS with them.

that seth godin book caught my attention because it had a bit about staying in your comfort zone, because you are AFRAID to look STUPID. so you dont take risks and do new things. i def understand that. and when it is an everyday part of your job to not look stupid in front of customers, but you feel stupid as fook, you feel INCOMPETENT and STUPID, and then they get mad at you becuase shouldnt you know this shit, but to be PROPERLY trained is WAYYYYYYYYY more expensive than mass hiring and mass hiring.

yeah it does suck to always feel STUPID. anyone would try to avoid that. but whats even worse is coworkers and customers thinking youre stupid and judging you for it! treating you like youre stupid!

IM NOT STUPID, this stuff is just insanely complicated! I went to STANFORD!!!!

and it doesnt really matter how SMART you are, but how good you are at dealing with unexpected weird shit under pressure. they should teach classes in that. with plenty of hands on field work.

you could be smart and flunk out because you couldnt handle weird shit under pressure.

being smart HELPS sure, but not as much as being cool under pressure.

i mean why am i NOT getting training at this place? I mean its actually a possibility for me to take a 22 week intensive training course! cuz i got no job and have the PRIVILEGE of living with family!

basically they need places like this INSTEAD OF HIGH SCHOOL. START KIDS on this when they are 14 years old so that they are 18 they are trained to do fookin 35k a year jobs. THEN see if so many damn people want to go to college. and a lot of them who do go are gonna do serious STEM shit because they are naturally interested in these damn machines that they can ALREADY make a good living with. and now they want to research and develop new types of machines. innovation and growth hahahaha.

lincoln tech is like a univ of phoenix of this sort of stuff. and if you are gonna go in debt for training….get the training in something useful. so i respect lincoln tech a lot more than phoenix. because they are actually giving a useful product.  god damn that recent univ phoenix commercial is awful. they all are. the one with the workaholic young woman studying till Closing Time at the library because Sleep is not Required to get an awesome education or social work career.

yeah well smart people would rather sleep, than spend 60 grand AND every waking minute, to get a job that pays 10k a year. which you didnt need the degree for anyway.

and if youre an autist or awkward, forget it, you are doomed to a life of neetness, becuase how are you gonna actually GET a job and not totally shit the bed at an interview?

previous generations, you could have NO social skills and still get a job. as a mail clerk, or as a Machine Operator. well there are still sweet machine operator jobs out there, but to get the ones that pay more than 10 DAH, you have to have Advanced Training. so the problem is, where are you gonna find that training.  at places like this place i had 2 interviews for. where the best thing was a 14 dollar an hour part time temporary job. but the STUDENTS are getting prepared for like 18 dollar an hour full time permanent manufacturing jobs. the next step seems like a no brainer eh?

i mean this is what i would do with black ghettos. i would transform all high schools and get the keeds into hardcore job training as young as possible. there are blacks in these robot training programs. they are smart enough to handle it, believe it or not. you dont need to be a genius! you just need the right training!

some people say training is useless, well i say some “training” is useless, but REAL, useful training is RIDICULOUS VALUABLE!!!!!!

which means you cant cut corners on training and you should have jeez at least 120 hours of training.

FOOOOOOK got rejected from the college police job, the big lifechanger job. well at least they let me know within TWO DAYS.

A MAN CANNOT CREATE LIFE AND A WOMAN CANNOT MAINTAIN LIFE, said this guy on a mgtow video. i thought that was pretty good.

but yeah that honestly SUCKS about that job. that would have been a YUUUGE deal. 49k a year are you KIDDING me? I could actually have a FAMILY! with a stay at home tradwaifu homeschool muh children!!!!!!

lot harder to do that on 12k a year hahahaha. well they might not offer me the job either.

http://dschool.stanford.edu/

ok its not stanford business school thats doing this project, its the “d.school”.  its business related but also in a gay people way, like positive disruption and radical collaboration and things that dont even make sense to normie proles and is really only intended for the type of Privileged Middle Class Idealists that would go to Stanford.

http://dschool.stanford.edu/our-team/

i mean look at all these happy smiling J’s making tons of money being progressive and disruptive and collaborative and innovative thought leaders hahaha.

DEEP CONSUMER ETHNOGRAPHY oh lord hahahaha see you cant get this in your basic bitch mba program hahahaha you have to go somewhere ELITE like stanford “d.school.”

so yeah i went there, did that, saw the qt jooish gurl who went to cornell and is 10 years younger than me and right now has a better job than i will ever have, as she pranced around the Disruptive Marketing Ideas Space with bare feet and chatted with handsome young middle class videographers about his exciting bike trip across nicaragua, el salvador, colombia, argentina, bolivia and his job in washington DC.

its funny i havent been around people like this since University, my university was FULL of people like this. and then they get JOBS at places like this.

its just a weird weird world maaaan, but they seem to like their jobs and not be derpressed and they are happy to use their intelligent minds to come up with Valuable Ideas and get paid good money to do it. Thinking and talking about important valuable thoughts. thought leaders. innovation fellows. being smart and getting paid good money for it, but not like STEM smart. well, maybe some of them can do SPSS and statistics, ie damned jooish lies hahahaha.

i was in a big fancy skyscraper downtown and saw that this big multinational corporation had lots of cute young gurls like this working there. Under 25 year old girls dressed like young professionals and talking about accounts. they all are business or marketing or HR or Organizational Students or similar degrees from at least somewhat decent schools who have all been Successfully Career Oriented since age 18. I wish I had that drive and work ethic. and its sad to see qt young women pouring their energy into these very high powered careers, rather than into selecting a good man and having children. young. they might marry another successful man who also works in the fancy building and have 1 kid at age 30 when they have been promoted twice or made two or three promotion-ish company moves.

I guess at that point the woman COULD probably opt to stay home and raise the kid because her husband will be wealthy. but you need a wealthy husband AND wealthy wife to live in the best neighborhoods hahaha. god forbid you have to live next to white proles who dont know what the fook youre talking about when you talk about positive disruption and ideas spaces and employee ENGAGEMENT. yeah its called, you stop being productive, youre FIRED. hows that for ENGAGEMENT. produce your quota or youre FIRED.

i talked to the department manager about getting on a mailing list and possibly doing more of the studies. this was the jooish cornell gurls BOSS, who was closer to my age or maybe even a few years older. she was also very very nice and very happy to talk to me. think she was white not jooish. I gave her muh phone number and email. I tried to bullshit a bit about how interesting this ideas space was, and about the stanford d.school. i stumbled near the end hahaha.

anyway thats how you make 400 dollars for less than 4 hours of fun, easy work, where people act all nice and interested in you, and ask for your rambling opinions, and cup and blow your balls rather than busting them hahahaha.  qt jooish research fellows from stanford cupping and blowing your balls hahahahahaha. yes moar pl0x.

she mentioned a book to me, creative or cooperative or collaborative something, and now i cant remember it.

really this is probably more EMPLOYEE ENGAGEMENT than MARKETING per se.

idea emergence. ok i think this is all for “executive development” and reshaping the Executive Culture at this big well known company.

intrapreneurs hahaha. google has a similar thing called google garage

http://www.fastcompany.com/3017509/work-smart/look-inside-google-garage-the-collaborative-workspace-that-thrives-on-crazy-creat

to get even more creative ideas out of their slacker loser employees hahahah. because they were holding back on some of their brainpower and creativity, being fookin ivy league grads who work at google. theyre just not smart or creative enough and need a push to get even more VALUE out of them.

i dunno you cant push people to be creative.

but then these same people say drop the mic things like “great ideas are worthless” basically meaning action is more important than thought, and you have to have “space to fail and make mistakes and learn from them” which i sort of agree with, because people shouldnt be afraid of being judged as STUPID or word, FIRED because they made a mistake. god forbid a human being make a mistake.

paradoxically, you need to be a top 1% winner in life to even GET A JOB (“career”) at a place that even gives lip service to these Hip Cool Innovative Creative Disruptive ideas. REAL companies cant AFFORD to have an Ideas Space and ride segways around and listen to Seth Godin Ted Talks every day. they’re too busy on the phone talking to clients. angry clients hahahha.

and alot of this Young Creative Talent is being brought in from ivy league joos to do fellowships in conjunction with hugeass corporations, to also stimulate startups and nonprofits and social justice things to “revitalize” the city. IMHO the ironic thing is, you can bring in the best and brightest joos with all this positive disruption and innovation, but how is that REALLY gonna affect the average prole? they have no chance of getting a job like these people have. they dont speak the language, they’re not so damn jooish hahahaha.

so big companies send their best and brightest. but 99% OF PEOPLE ARENT THE BEST AND THE BRIGHTEST. they just need average 28k entry level jobs. not fookin innovation creative fellowship jobs available only to ivy league fast track young joos.

Organizational Dynamics. well what about the front level customer service people making 13 bucks an hour, taking calls from people who feel screwed by your shitty product. well just chain them to their phone and fire them if they dont close cases by any means necessary quickly enough.

so thats what i want to know. what is this companys lowass level tier 1 phone customer service, what is THEIR office culture like. or do they outsource that to indians for a quarter a day.  beause they can get away with it.

creativity inc? is that the book?

how anyone can get good at charisma hahahahahah sign me up

FOUND IT. this is 100% the book. from stanford d.school founder. this company is all about stanford d.school.

kelley brothers, IDEO, “Creatives”, these people think EVERYONE is creative hahaha its all about how to encourage it, motivate it, practice it, develop it.

i used to be creative but not so much any more.

http://www.fastcodesign.com/3056415/ideo-silicon-valleys-most-influential-design-firm-sells-a-minority-stake

ok its all about “DESIGN”. design firms, design consultancies like IDEO, design school founded by the ideo brothers.

sooooo uhhhhh WTF is “DESIGN”? product design?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Design_thinking

jejejej

i dont give a shit about the executives being creative innovant HUMAN CENTERED etc bullshit UNLESS this trickles down to the very lowest levels. the fat bastards answering the phones. help them do their jobs better, help them help your customers better, and good god give them a break from god damn phones all the god damn time!!!!!

basically only rich young jooish stanford and cornell grads can afford such PRIVILEGE and LUXURY and Mental Masturbation and Bullshit! real working people dont have TIME for this bullshit, they are just trying to keep their jobs, and the only “Creativity” you have is how to bullshit and how to cut corners to make yourself appear more productive.  which is a fookin horrible kind of creativity i want nothing to do with.

of course this is not the kind of creativity which Design Firms talk about. they honestly have good intentions. im just saying Real Average Proles dont have the LUXURY of putting good intentions into practice and making a living from it. you gotta lie, bullshit, and cut corners, and im not surprised many people dont like it!

i still believe most people are born good and HAVE good intentions, but shit like their JOBS totally undermines this. turns them into dishonest bullshitting assholes. so sad. well thats capitalism for ya hahahahahahahaha.

heh the joos should be doing these jobs, they would be naturals at this kind of dishonesty. leave the honest jobs for honest people!

so yeah it was just a real interesting experience. and yeah the people were nice and it was fun giving my bullshit opinions with Elite Researchers and definitely some Stanford PHD’s in there. real fookin intellectuals hahaha. i dont get to do that too often. they had really nice snacks for us too. i mainly drank coffee (mixed with water hahaha) and the coffee tasted pretty good, not cheap folgers shit hahahaha. i kid, i normally drink folgers!

https://www.amazon.com/What-When-Your-Turn-Always/dp/1936719320/ref=sr_1_7?ie=UTF8&qid=1470361737&sr=8-7&keywords=seth+godin

they had 2 copies of this book sitting out on the table for us idiot participants to read. i thought it was kinda neat.

YES i am WELL aware that seth godin is a big name and a slimy, sleazy, conniving bullshit artist joo. i just never really read his stuff until there was a book sitting in front of me and I was waiting around for the people to call me for my turn. you know like reading a shitty magazine in a doctors office, but this book was actually kinda interesting.

i mean you really could become a better bullshitter, and I am sorta interested in that. as far as bullshitting companies to hire me and bullshitting women to want to hang out with me. NOT with bullshitting customers as to how It Is What It Is, We Cant Help You, We’re Done Here. i don’t like bullshitting to represent a bullshitting, dishonest company. bullshitting to try to sell myself is different. a lot more potentially rewarding cuz you might get a good job or a good tradwife hahaha.

so just to be clear, i dont hate seth godin, in fact right now i kinda like him and might eventually read sme of his books, and only after that might i truly hate him hahahaha.

i mean i do really need somebody to break me out of my rut and motivate me. a nice qt gf would be ideal, but thats just NOT gonna happen because gfs HATE guys who are stuck in ruts. they are NOT gonna help you out of rut. you need to do that yourself, with the help of other non-gf people like your family, friends, or jooish smooth talkers like godin hahahaha. and only then will the gf come. yes it sucks. yes i wish women were different, were designed differently, were inherently different. but they’re NOT. i wish they could see your potential and help you out of a run. but they DONT, they NEVER WILL, because theyre not BUILT that way. GOD didnt MAKE them that way. unfortunately.

 

 

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DIDNT EVEN TRY

108

it has been like 85 days since i was destroyed and today i feel meh i dunno of course angry and disappointed about that but also worried about muh future and how i threw it all away “simply” because i didnt want to work with her being a damn hateful B to me hahahaha.

LETTER PORTION:

yeah i know it sucks when somebody is annoying you, but couldnt you see where i was coming from? that i wanted to talk, to figure a problem out? sure i was about as mature as a 16 year old in handling this, but you were mature as a 2 year old hahahaha.

imagine when you first met [main bf] you started off as just friends. you became good friends over the course of 2 years. then you realized you liked him as more than a friend and wanted to have a more intimate rel with him. then imagine as soon as you realized that, he began pulling away from you more and more over the next 10 months. you would try to hang out with him and talk to him and send him signals, but he kept pulling away. but on the surface you would pretend to be friends which gave you hope that you would at least settle this someone. but it was incrasingly stressful and one day he stopped talking to you altogether. you knew there was tension but you didnt expect this. also imagine you both worked together at a job you absolutely despised and which made you really nervous. but he seemed to be ok with it. but that didnt help you any because he was distant from you and didnt really want to help you with the job, let alone be your friend and hang out with you like he used. you hadnt even hung out in 10 months. no hanging out, no dinners, no movies, no good talks. you could not take it much longer, it felt liek something was gonna break. you wrote him a letter expressing your desire to talk and resstablish a connection but he didnt do anything in response. and then imagine the nice relationship you had never existed, and ended before it began, with him suddenly dumping you and getting really mad at you, when all you really wanted to do was have an honest serious talk with him about how you liked him a lot. the end.

can you see how that would be pretty bad for you?

i was also angry at how you NEVER EVEN TRIED. I may have tried in a ridiculous way, but i tried. you did not seem to try at all. even if you had just told me “im trying” that would have been better. or saying “i really want to try”. but that would involve talking to me hahaha ok thats angry. i am sort of angry at you. i wasnt perfect but neither were you, and you really disappointed me, i think you could have tried a lot more, i thought you cared about me more, so yes i am angry about that. i will get over it but it takes time. im getting over it slowly and forgiving you slowly and letting go slowly but one day it will be 100%.

 

 

////// END LETTER PORTION

yeah going on linkedin is rarely a good idea because you see how successful everyone is. making a good living, doing jobs at like age 23 that you could never get hired into at age 30, making new connections every week, looking and doing professional things, moving from job to job with no gaps.

also there i can still stalk the female. she is not active at all, in fact i was her one and only connection, and since i dropped that on my initiation, she now has had 0 connections ever since i did that. so naturally whenever i go on linkedin i look to see if shes updated her profile, made any more connections, etc.  i suppose its inevitable. i mean anyone whos anyone is on linkedin. if you want to be a responsible middle working class adult and make more than 15 DAH, you have to be on linkedin or youre fooked.

but i saw some weird stuff, like people who went to undergrad at the same prestigious top 30 university in the world as did I, and rather than go to Harvard Law or Stanford PhD or UPenn MBA, they did a masters degree in something kinda useless at a second or third tier uni (no, not an online thing, that would be like 5th tier!) and of course are now not working in that field whatsoever, because jobs dont even exist for it. but rather than complain and whining and freaking out, they just Suck It Up and work their client manager job or whatever and make 17 DAH hahahaha.

yesterday i worried a bit o she dumped me because i pushed her because i was too passive aggressive to her.

then i realized how ridiculous i sounded. i was PA to her???? she was EVEN MORE PA to ME!!!!!!!!!!

but thats just because i was PA to her, so i forced her to be PA right back. every action has equal and opposite reaction.

ok well this reaction was NOT equal in magnitude, it was WAY out of proportion. and way more PA.

i was like wanna hang out wanna hang out, she was like not right now but later, then i never want to talk to you again hahahaha.

again none of this is spectacular, 1000000000s of other people have experienced same thing.

BUT it IS different, cuz we were friends for 2 years before all this, so yeah i think that entitles me to more respect, more of a chance to talk, being treated better, from being a person in her life that she knew and liked.  so show me some god damn sympathy when you Have To Let Go of me at least.

EVERY job is not going to train you properly. EVERY job is gonna throw you to the wolves. so you “JUST” have to ask questions when you can, when they dont make you feel like an idiot who doesnt belong there, and or fake your way through it and hope you get away with it. then if you get caught, say oh well i thought thats the way it was done, and i had to act quickly to service the customer. SORRY WONT HAPPEN AGAIN.

cuz youd really like to say, TRAIN PEOPLE BETTER, but you cant say that, because they never will, why would they.

this is why CONFIDENCE and BALLS OF STEEL are needed in EVERY job, and i just dont have those things wawaawaawawawawaw.

figure it out or YA FIRED.

people try their best but they Just Dont Get It Fast Enough…..and theyre fired for it.

its not enough to be smart and capable……you have to be FAST.

this is why i failed at every job ever hahahahahah.

no thats just not true, that is a Cognitive Distortion. i actually did GOOD (“Well” i know is the correct word, but i have to be a chameleon and adjust my Language to the people around me, do they speak Working Class or do they speak Middle Class hahahahahaha) plus my sympathies are more with the Underdog Working Class, than the Soft Degenerate Nihilistic Faggot Sissy Middle Class.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mennonites_in_Mexico

i dont know how i ended up here. possibly by researching enclaves and exclaves. yeah. stuff like the “northwest angle” in minnesota.

staring at google maps again. channel tunnel, weird shit by bhutan, india, nepal, tibet, pakistan, northeast poland, lithuania, kaliningrad, bialystok, crimea, bla bla bla.

was i to blame here? did i CAUSE this? i always lose sight of the fact she probably would ahve rejected me ANYWAY even if both our Conflict Resolution skills were not shitty!

she did this because she was extremely annoyed at me, and when you get extremely annoyed at someone, you just want to be done with them completely.

when was the last time i was extremely annoyed with someone? well kinda right now, with her. but i dont want to be done with her! really i cant say. some male acquaintances, people that were never really FRIENDS. i never really liekd them to begin with!

yeah i never had a similar situtaion, namely a female friend falling in luv with ME and me being like ehhhhhh i dont think so.

but i like to think i would have treated them better. every other time somebody annoyed me, it was really different. one guy i disagreed with for being a soulless autistic nihilist annoying sperg; another guy annoyed me because he was weird and narcissistic and overbearingly homoerotic and weird and bipolar and almost borderline.

i was none of these things to her. i was just gently pushing her to hang out.

i wasnt even really passive aggressive in that, other than i was not directly stating “lets hang out, because i want to talk about how im in love with you.” it was just lets hang out sometime, or wanna hang out ths weekend, or wanna go see this movie with me, or wanna go to this restaurant with me ill buy, wanna go to the park with me this weekend, etc etc.

and if on friday she said something like “see you on MONDAY” which she started doing, that was her hint that she didnt want to hang out on the weekend.  of course i got tired of that and would say in response to that “what u doing this weekend”. and she would say doing something with her family. which is a lot better than hanging out with Guys and partying. or im always hanging out with my other friends and i never want to hang out with you.

but yeah i was careful about not being too pushy so i would only ask to hang out once every two weeks. and get some sort of nonanswer like the above.

prettty clear signals right? yeah but i was in denial because she used to be my friend and we used to hang out and sometimes she even asked ME to hang out!!!!!!!! she wasnt some gurl i had met 2 months ago who i developed an infatuation with but had never hung out with even once!!!!!!

she got mad and snapped at me because i would visit her sometimes when i was on Break or on Lunch or when i was leaving, just to small talk for 2 minutes. me doing that was too much for her.

what do you do when someone’s boundaries are unreasonable? like they have 1000000000000000000 boundaries that make dealing with them a MINEFIELD? walking on eggshells, etc.

so do you say some of those boundaries are not valid? i thought all boundaries were valid. no at that point they need to learn they are being unreasonable, so they need to Go To Therapy hahahahahaha. she needs a shrink.

these women dont need a MAN, they dont need a BABY, they need a SHRINK to help them deal with the fact that they didnt have a good family hahahahaha.

course i had a good family and i still turned out a screwup hahahaha. cant get a job, cant get a woman, the only accomplishment ive done in my life is get a worthless stupid Bachelors Degree. Arts of COURSE hahahaha.

hehehe being anxious and weird is employability kryptonite. you HAVE to be a confident extravert normalfag with confidence and gurlfrans and interests. blogging about being a loser and heartbreak and being an r9k neet virgin does not count!

some people say that a loving wife gives them moral and emotional support and generally makes life seem a lot easier because who cares if you are trying to do confusing shit for angry customers all day when you have the luv of your life waiting at home to cuddle you and make you strong again. and not dump you for being weak and vulnerable, but strengthen and help you turn your weakness into strength by cuddling with them for an hour and them telling you you can do it, i luv, ill always be here for you to make things better after a shitty day. and we can cuddle and smoke MJ sometimes and watch tv and movies and go for walks and hold hands and make out and then have luving tender monogamous oxytocinsecs hahahahaha.

i will never know the inner workings of her mind. i do know that she was saying “NO” to me. was she saying, yes, no, or maybe?

she was certainly not saying yes.

i try to delude myself that she was saying “maybe, just not right now, give me more time and space.” if thats what she were REALLY saying, she would have SAID it, she would NOT have

  1. cut me off completely
  2. never responded to anything
  3. unfriend AND block me

she would have said “ill respond to you some day” when i said “please respond please respond please respond”. not nothing.

similar to the “anything thats not a yes is a no” idea.

what would a trusted friend say to me?

“yep its rough but the best thing here is just to move on. shes probably not gonna change her mind, and you contacting her every 6 months is not good for you. it sucks to get your heart broke, but shes not gonna change her mind.”

i had some kraft ranch dressing. it was ok but idk lol. it seemed weird lol so i dumped it. no it was technically past its best by date and like 80% gone so i got some “hidden valley” ranch. see if thats any better.

yeah it was. i think the kraft was too thick. i want it a little Runnier hahahaha.

google good job for depressed person hahahahahahahaha

nothing. because unconfident, anxious, weird, angry, introverted, shy, pessimistic, confused people dont deserve a job.

but everybodys gotta have a job to get ANY respect.

but if you are a single mom waitress, youre not gonna get any respect anyway, because no one appreciates how hard your job is, plus you are a whore in your personal life. take a different dick every night and let badbois molest your children. but damn do they do a good job taking care of 20 tables, multitasking. i could never do that.

but yeah my big worry now is, I WILL NEVER FIND A BETTER WOMAN. THIS IS THE BEST I WILL EVER DO. ITS ALL DOWNHILL FROM HERE. i will have to settle for someone not as good as here, therefore i will always be comparing women to her, and basically always fooking thinking of HER for the rest of my life. i go and bang some 35 year old single mom skank years from now and think o god i wish i was with HERRRRRRRR instead!

yeah i know i thought that BEFORE and i ALWAYS found a better woman, but this time is different, because i’m OLD AS SHIT now! I’ve since turned the corner! i wont be able to get 25 year old gurls to hang out with me any more AT ALL!!!!!!! so its only 35 year old + single momz with fupas and tattoos and shitty hair and shitty skin from here on out! post wall women! whcih is all i am worth as a 35 year old loser who only makes 10 DAH for 30 hours a week!

who only makes 300 dollars a week, 1200 a month, 14400 a year! who makes LESS THAN 15K A YEAR!!!!! at age 35, 40, 45, 50!!! cuz he never had any ambition or drive! the most he ever achieved was a BA degree hahahaha. he had POTENTIAL at age 20, thats why he pulled some cute gurls briefly around age 20. but by age 30 and no potential realized, no women for you hahahahaha.

yeah its hard to respect Single Mothers because You Get To PICK your man. you get to PICK the father of your children. and you PICK a maniac or deadbeat and have CHILDREN with him. how can you make that big of a mistake so casually? and you look around you and all the women in their 20s, if they are not Professional Middle Class women getting Careers and Abortions and Cocks, they are Working Class women with tattoos and Bastard Babies! believe me i would LOVE To find a Happy Medium!

and i thought i did. a working class gurl who exercised Discretion and Restraint and had no tattoos and who was Different hahahaha.

just because you find a Gurl Whos Different, doesnt mean that things will work out differently!

i have to remind myself of “Woman 5”, who I dropped from the “Woman” lineup because i decided i wasnt really in luv with her because i didnt get my Heart Broke by her, or she was markedly in the Second String of Memorable INfatuations. anyway i think things could have turned out ok with me and her if we ever lived in the same town and could hang out regularly.

then we could hang out one on one and she could eeventually reject me in the worst way hahahaha.

well with her, i knew RIGHT AWAY that i kinda was Interested in her, plus she didnt have a 4 year BF when i met her. so yeah that situation was entirely different.

some say “depressed” aka DESPAIRING people tend to Ruminate more , make a mountain out of a molehill, blame themselves for tiny things that normies would have forgotten about long ago. therefore a hard Breakup is even harder for A Despairer.

stefan molyneux is a hyper energy filled extravert normalfag who has worked 10000000 jobs in his life including a waiter. i am kinda jealous of this. maybe i should just get a job as a waiter to prove ot myself i could do it. hahahaha. well what i did was KINDA LIKE being a waiter. and a cook all at once. people call you, have weird shit that you have to fix, you have no idea what they’re talking about, so you try to think on your feet, stay calm, and gather information very quickly, and carry out complex fookin procedures according to shitty articles and tier 2 bitches who treat you like shit. stupid shit, because you arent learning super confusing shit fast enough and have to suck their dick. then i say, im not stupid bitch, i got a bachelors degree from a top 30 university of the world hahahahahah. was it a useful degree? no? noone cares then, ya slow learning anxious moron. welcome to the real world bitch.

google how to bullshit

http://wallstreetinsanity.com/how-to-bullshit-your-way-through-anything/

written by a millennial listicle clickbait WOMAN but still some good points, like say “ive got this under control” and never ask for help and use fake statistics and sources. but the trouble is coming up with those on the spot.

http://www.collegetimes.com/college-life/how-to-bullshit-your-way-through-life/43642

http://www.practicalhacks.com/2009/09/10/twenty-something-job-seeker-how-to-dramatically-increase-your-chances-of-getting-the-job/

tfw you are no longer a twenty something job seeker because you never got a decent job during your twenties hahahahahah and just failed and underachieved from age 20 to 29…..and beyond!

http://www.livingwithballs.com/bullshit-job-interview-questions-and-answers/

did another 4.2 miler. i would like to do at least 10 miles a day hahahaha. that might result in SOME weight loss, and also i think i have a lot of negative emotions that need to get out. i need to do TONNES of writing, and appropriate good writing at that, and tonnes of Walking/jogging. its EASIER to walk/jog cuz theres no WRONG way to do it! its ALL good! so better to walk than to write.

when i write its just negative thoughts all the time. and that is all DESPAIR IS.

if you are writing despairing negative thoughts, as i often do, STOP and go out an WALK for at LEAST 4 miles. ideally 5. i was thinking i could go for at least another hour today but it was getting dark. and then i thought well i will sign up for planet fatness for 10 dollars a month during the winter so i can walk 10 miles a day during the WINTER…..which is of course when we all gain weight and get super despairing.

so i actually felt GOOD about that idea. so i Sat With My Feelings. I Felt My Feelings hahahahahaha.

but one way to look at it is….I TRIED. She didnt TRY at all.

i cant blame her for not having feelings for me. but i can blame her for the way she ended the rel. the worst possible way. but i will forgive her eventually. but i still want her back. all women are bitches and whores. disgusting. maybe if i start abusing them they will stop dumping me and think ima  real man hahaha.

i heard an interesting thing, a real abuser doesnt stop and worry if he’s an abuser. he just goes ahead and abuses. cuz sometimes i worry if i am actually an abuser. if i will one day abuse a women, or if my passive aggressive bullshit and jealousy could be considered abuse.

well jealousy might lead to abuse sometimes but it doesnt CAUSE it if that makes sense. i think jealousy is awesome. you should never be ashamed of being jealous. bitches get jealous all the time when its guys they are really into. cant say i have ever had women get jealous over ME. that would be nice hahahaha.

YOU SEEM TO HAVE ME CONFUSED WITH A BALLLESS BETA B1TCHBOI

105

it has been 83 days since i was horribly dumped and i guess i feel better than i did at the beginning, i mean dat feel when you wake up and it takes a few moments to realize your life is ruined is horrifying! now you know it right away and it isnt nearly as scary.

a SHIT TEST? is that all this was was a goddam crummy lousy bullshit shit test?  because women can give shit tests without knowing it?

going back to that ridic stefan vidya on polyamory, promiscuity, he basically seems to be optimistic that the couple can figure this out with some serious you guessed it communication.

i mean i would guess she dumps him very soon. be nice to see a Follow Up in 6 months.

anyway he said, well if she values EMPATHY and COMPASSION, the fact that he is unhappy and miserable about her fooking other guys, should make her say, hey the guy i luv is very unhappy about this, i dont like making him unhappy, im gonna take his feelings into consideration, and not do this, because his feelings are important to me. its more important that he’s happy than i leave the door open for random dick.

well it was apparently not important to The Woman that I was made happy by talking or hanging out with her! she didnt care that i was miserable!

also the idea that it was a “subconscious shit test” again takes away any responsibility from her, and again puts the blame 100% on me. oh if i had just passed the shit test, its all my fault. i cannot have that way of thinking!

i dont think we SHOULD treat women like Bratty Children. we CAN treat women like immature adults. even if the man is supposed to Lead and be Masculine, doesn’t mean he totally Dominates or Enslaves his woman. she still has free will.

well, ideally. but obviously the Average woman IS an immature child where if you dont want them to destroy your life, you MUST dominate them!!!!

dominate them or else they’ll destroy you. sounds great!

so yeah i dont want to get hung up on this shit test idea. besides i didnt think you got shit tests until after you banged the gurl. well if its a decent woman who doesnt bang every guy she knows. and she was a decent women wawawawawawaawawa.  so therefore she is entitled to give me shit tests before i bang, or even date her?

no need to overcomplicate this, over think it, go to Occam’s razor, she simply did not want to Date me, that much is obvious.

YOU MUST HAVE ME CONFUSED WITH SOMEONE WHO TAKES SHIT. Stop being shitty and make me a sammich hahahaha.

you either hang out with me and show me you still care about me, or we’re done. officially.

then i would have dumped her before she could dump me hahahaha.

but i was too in luv, too invested, to be able to do that.

thats why you have these discussions early, before you fall too deep in luv.

damn.

so after a few months, i was fully in the throes, and very emotionally compromised,and put her on a huge pedestal, which is what luv is, so dont hate the pedestal, hate the pvssy hahahaha.  no luv grows like a fungus, fairly quickly, and if you avoid talking about it, it turns bad.

hahaha funny. looks like i avoided talking about something important too. then it became too important for me to avoid. but she wanted to keep avoiding it.

so i should have put the foot down and said we’re not gonna avoid this any more. THIS ENDS NOW. I have feelings for you, thats why things have been so weird. i know it’s a bad time for you. sorry but thats how feelings work. they happen at weird times. take it or leave it.

and then she would leave it and i would have been spared some time and pain.

ok fine i applied for this goddamn job pool thing which closed today at 11:59 hahahaha. really half assed it. only did jobs going back 10 years, did not put name of supervisor or anything that wasnt asterisked. but i lied and said i applied for it earlier, and really it is an ok idea to apply, so i applied for it.

///////////////

LETTER: ok. this is obviously an unsent letter. if you were to send it, you would take all the harsh mean stuff and say everything in a nice way.  and thats exactly what i did with the letters. you start off being honest, totally honest, then go back and smooth it over in a way that you could actually say to a person. remove the anger and the accusations. thats what i did!!!! owned my feelings, tried to use I statements and minimze You statements.

i will not do that here, this will be more raw.

OK. so i was very mad and upset at how this ended up. i thought you cared for me. i realize you dont like like me, but damn please dont throw me away like a piece of garbage. so i was weak and pushy and annoying. i still dont think that cancels out everything we had before. so you didnt share my feelings. you really didnt have to dump me in the most hurtful way possible. that really hurt me. it didnt have to hurt so much. i wish you had just talked to me and told me. i wish you had responded to any of my 4 emails. the first one would have been a good opportunity. do you understand how this was painful to me? have you ever had strong feelings for someone but they refused to talk to you? what happened when you tried to bury these feelings deep and pretend they werent there? have you ever gotten feeligns for someone who was a friend for 2 years? probably not. but it is no fun when you cant talk to the person, and they are pulling away from you. you begin to blame yourself for absolutely everything, it eats away at you, well at least thats how i felt. my confidence and strength was destroyed. so im sorry i wasnt very strong or courageous about it all. as all this went on for month and motnhs with no resolution or no communication, it ate away at me.

so thats why i was annoying. but i dont think me being annoying was being ABUSIVE. i was just upset and worried and anxious and wanted to talk, but i was not getting the chance to talk. however i just couldnt bury or extinguish my desire to talk, because my desire to talk was because of the feelings i had for you, and i couldnt extinguish those.

it hurts to get the silent treatment from someone you care about, whether you have special feelings or just friendly feelings. i felt like i was getting shut out of your life and i didnt want that. i wanted to be a part of your life and you to be a part of mine. it hurt so much to get that rejected. i hope you can understand this. thats why i was so pushy to communicate, and thats why i was so utterly devasted when you stopped talking to me.

yeah i should have been stronger and just sucked it up and keep calm and carry on. maybe if this had all happened a few months earlier i could have. but by that time it had been eating away at me for too long, and i was ery emotionally and mentally compromised by the stress, of having something important to talk to you about, and not being able to do it.

yeah i should have just said something months earlier. that is one of my biggest regrets. as well as not asking you directly about your new BF last year, or asking you about your feelings towards me, or talking about my feelings towards you, or telling you the instant i started changing in october, like hmmm i think things are changing right now.  i was too cowardly to talk about those feelings. i learned that the price of NOT talking about them, is too great to avoid. that is, its best to talk about them sooner than later. it will be awkward but the short term awkwardness is worth it, to get past any long term conflicts, and get everything out in the open as soon as possible, so everyone is open and honest at all times.

i could feel you becoming gradually more distant and this hurt me too, to have someone who was once my friend, not want to be my friend any more, not want to talk to me any more, not care about me any more.  yeah our friendship would have to change or end because of my feelings, but that doesnt mean you can totally disrespect the other person and treat them like garbage. i know you didnt intentionally do this, but i felt like i was being treated like garbage, like just an annoyance that should disappear forever. this is a terrible feeling!!! it is very shattering to my self confidence to get that from someone who once was so nice to me. to be held in high regard, then held in low regard, by someone that i still cared about greatly. this was heartbreaking to me.

was this all because of a “shit test”? were you just testing me? why the fook couldnt we just talk like two adults? because i was not an adult? i was the bad guy? i just wanted to talk to you and make the best of a very bad situation!!!!! you made the situation 100000 times worse! i wanted to put water on the fire. you threw gasoline on it!!!!

im not accusing you. thats just what it looks and feels like to me.  and i am heartbroken and devastated.  i worry about my ability to connect with women in the future. are all women like this?

i want to forgive you because that means i will have let go. i am still angry though. i forgive you partially right now, because you probably didnt know what you were doing, much like me. lots of not clear thinking. you didnt MEAN To hurt me this much. but the situation still hurt me and i believe you could have done more to treat me more kindly and i would hurt LESS. so i am still a little angry and i am not through forgiving you. forgiveness is a process which takes time. it will be a while before i can let go of ALL the anger. but i hope to get there someday.

best wishes to you. but i still want you back and cant let you go entirely right now. this shocking heartbreak will take a long time to get over. at least 6 months, if not a whole year. my feelings for you were real. they were not simple lust or infatuation. they were built on knowing you and being your friend and trusting you for 2 years. that is a pretty big deal. and ending something that significant and substantial should be done in more respectful of a manner than just throwing the person away like garbage.

i dont think i was so shitty that you couldnt even write me an email or facebook message. just say sorry but i cant do this anymore, have a good life, things were good once but i am done. just say that for gods sake. i didnt deserve one simple but powerful sentence because i was weird and pushy?

relationship experts agree that dumping somebody with no communication is the worst, most painful way to end a relationship. it is only justified if the person has been abusing you. i may have been annoying you, but i was not ABUSING you. you ignoring and avoiding me and giving me the silent treatment and stonewalling, was closer to Emotional Abuse, than was me, pushing you to talk. i was only pushing you out of a positive kind caring feeling. that feeling is by definition totally absent when you avoid and freeze somebody out. you cant freeze somebody out out of love. or if you are, at least TELL them. tell them what you are doing.  this has been the most frustrating and painful experience ive faced in years. in a way this feels worse than a loved one dying. becuase i know that they loved me and didnt choose to die. here i feel like you are rubbing salt in the wound, that you REALLY dont care about me at ALL any more and you’re gonna prove it to me.

and i dont even think thats true! i think you still care about me a LITTLE, more than what this action is saying.

also i know you are a better person than to do something this cruel, which makes it all the more shocking and frustrating and painful.

but yeah i will forgive you and stop being angry at you in 6 to 12 months. i just wished you hadnt been so harsh.

how could you hate me that much? this seems like a vengeance thing that you do only to people who have really wronged you, abused you, betrayed you. i dont think i did any of those things, at least not to this extent! im sorry i didnt respect your boundaries but i dont think you respected my boundaries either.

i just cant beleive you hated me that much or had lost that much respect or caring for me. did our time together mean anything to you? how long did you hate me? when did you start “packing your bags?” for me it started to get too much around february. i should have just told you everything by then rather than dragging it out till july.

but yeah i feel terribly rejected and heartbroken.

i wasnt perfect but i dont think i was THAT BAD to be treated like this. no one deserves to be treated like this. i know you are a kind person. you used to be kind to me. how could you be so unkind to me? it already hurts to end an important relationship.

its natural and normal for relationships to end when one person gets feelings but it can be done in a respectful and compassionate and kind way that shows you care about the well-being of the person, and dont think they’re garbage just for getting feelings for you. nobody is garbage for getting feelings.

this was an important relationship for me. i know at one time it was for you too. i cant believe you wouldnt try to end it in more of a friendly manner.

i know you didnt intend to hurt me so much and part of the hurt you cannot control, because you cannot control what kind of feelings you have about me, meaning i would be disappointed if you couldnt have feelings for me, but that is no ones fault. it is in your power though, to appraoch this situation in a more friendly manner so that there are not hard feelings. i dont want to end this in this way, and you still have the power to end this in a less painful way. just tell me that you dont hate me, that our friendship was important.

this is such a disappointing end to to such a beautiful friendship. we started to have some trouble in the last few months but that doesn’t mean it has to end this way. lets share our feelings and thoughts with each other and give each other respect.

so i screwed up. so i kept saying lets hang out instead of let’s TALK. i cant really say it was obvious that i wanted to talk about something. I just don’t know how obvious it was. i should have said more directly that i wanted to talk about something important to me. in the meantime i tried to send different sorts of signals to you, to indicate that i had new feelings. thats why i was texting you more than i had before and acting different in general.

i know women dont respect weak and unconfident men. this is the absolute worst thing you can be to a woman, they will respect you less than someone who hurts them directly, like a cheater or a deadbeat. but honestly. im not just some random unconfident guy. you know i can be more confident. i am just going through a phase right now. its part of being human. we all have our ups and downs. i will get through this, it just takes time, and i would appreciate your support, rather than the contemptuous condemnation i feel i am getting.

i know you have been abandoned by people in your life. you know how bad it hurts then. please dont do that to me. dont make me remember YOU as an abandoner, because i know you’re a better person than that.

we can totally end our relationship and never have to talk to each other again. but i feel like you are treating me like i am a horrible person. i am really not a horrible person, not for liking you, and not for being awkward about telling you.

it is devastating to feel abandoned by someone you cared greatly for. who you wanted to be in your future. well obviously you didnt want to be in my future but when one person rejects another person its inherently painful. one does not need to add any more pain to it, unless they absoultely hate the other person and want them to suffer. i cant believe you’d want to make me suffer, when we had been good friends for 2 years.

this is killing me. i will never give up on love and i will always risk heartbreak to get it. but this didnt have to end this badly. i came to you with a spirit of cooperation and oppenness. i feel you were avoiding me, with a spirit of closed-ness. there was no way an open person can cooperate or communicate with a closed person.

its okay to have time and space and distance and to end our relationship, but please communicate about things like this, or you risk hurting someone deeply. communication is VERY VERY VERY important.

if i were doing something to make you this mad and hateful at me, i wish you would have told me or even argued or screamed or fought with me. that would tell me that you cared enough about me and the relationship to confront me about it and do something about it. i would have done my best to stop hurting you.

but you also cant expect me just to stay away from you forever. that is not reasonable. me wanting to talk to you, and even hang out with you once in a while, is reasonable. i did try to give you some time and space. but i couldnt do that forever. you were my friend and i wanted to see you and spend time with you. i dont think that is unreasonable for friends to expect of each other. if you wanted more time and space, you have to communicate about it. i could have given you more time and space if you told me more or communicated with me more or met with me just to talk about what was bothering you.

so women are supposed to hate weak men even more than they hate an abuser or an abandoner. supposedly women hate a weak “nice guy” worse than they hate a violent, dominating, cheating, monster. because at least that guy is strong and masculine. i can understand this to an extent but only to an extent. does it always have to be that way? do all women have to be like that? i was a weak nice guy, did you have to hate me THAT much? I never abused you. i never really HURT you other than being weak and annoying, which is a much lesser kind of “hurt” than cheating, violence, abuse, betrayal.

did you have to hate me that much?

maybe you didnt hate me. i think you were just overwhemled and wanted to avoid dealing with a tough situation, pretend none of this existed.

thats valid but god damn did it hurt me. the problem with that is that you can pretend none of this exists, but thats really hurtful to me to be on the receiving end of that. to be the one pretended like they don’t exist. when the one doing that pretending is someone he once thought of as a good friend. and they thought of him as a good friend too.

you told me i was a good friend. i wish you told me that you wanted to stop being friends.

i wish i could have just presented my feelings to you, and have you say “sorry but no thanks i cant do that, but i dont hate you for it.”

i wouldnt have hated you if you got feelings for me. in fact long ago i thought you might have. im sorry i was too scared to mention anything. i shoudl have asked you straight up. but i didnt want to interfere or break up your relationship. it was only after your rel ended that i started to think about you differently. if you started really acting you like you liked me i might have said something. but i wouldnt avoid you. i would want to resolve the issue by talking about it.

if you even could have responsed to email1 or any of the emails, that would have been a lot better. that would have felt like we were having a discussion about our relationship.

even if my feelings were one sided, the communication surround the end of the relationship did not have to be one sided.

i know you know abotu the importance of karma. its just really bad karma. i know youre not a bad person, but this is a really shitty thing to do. getting used to doing things like this is how a good person becomes less good. you dont need to hurt your karma by doing this. you’re better than this. youre a good person. dont do something really shitty to ME, who was once your friend, who still cares about you. i dont want to remember you with bitterness.

and i will forgive you one day, it will just take a little longer. but it really sucks that it had to end this way. this could have been a lot less painful. there could have been better karma. this is terrible for my confidence. i have experienced a lot of failure and rejection in my life and it doesnt get any easier. it has led to depression and anxiety which is partially why i have not developed very much in my life for my age. i am tired of failing, scared of failing again, tired of trying even, when everything ends up in failure. its been like that with school, work, and relationships especially. im tired of trying, and ive lost my ambition. i will never give up on having a good relationship though, because thats more important to me than school or career. i can live with a mediocre job. but i would not want to have a mediocre relationship. i would rather be alone. but i am tired of being alone. i would rather have a good relationship with a good person than be alone all my life. you are a good person and i thought you were the one for me. obviously i am not the person for you at ALL.

you can reject my feelings but dont reject me as a person in such a harsh, mean way.

 

///////////end letter for now hahahaha

heh 83 days later and i briefly went back into muh facebook and she is STILL blocking me. good lord.

well maybe she can’t unblock me when i have my account deactivated, which i do 99.999999999% of the time!

i think this is the case.

https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20110420173417AArmSHq

well according to this at least. yes. you do have to have an active facebook, for them to unblock you. hehehehe maybe she wanted to unblock me, but couldnt beccause i wasnt even there!!!!!

shit.

anyway facebook clearly sucks so i am glad i only reactivated it for 30 minutes or so. then deactivated it. i did NOT look at the damn messages i we exchanged back in the day.

i dont even know why. well thats a lie. i wanted to see if she was still blocking me.

but it looks like she cant UNBLOCK me if i am not ACTIVE. so yeah she always will be blocking me as long as i am not active!!!

well she has my email and phone number if she really is desperate to get hold of me!!!!!!!

damn.

of course she doesnt WANT to get ahold of me…..or else she WOULD have.

but i cant say she’s “still holding a grudge because she hasnt unblocked me” because i dont think she COULD unblock me even if she wanted!

fooooook.

20151005141730

maybe she wanted to unblock me but couldnt. i looked at some co workers but i did not look at any of her family members or people where she would be SUPER likely to post. but rather people where she might post. i know im blocked because i cannot find her in my search box. no i did not want to use the direct url of her FB page. its horrible that i remember what it is!!!!!!

well i also wanted to see if anybody had sent me any messages. i dont know if they even CAN if you are deact. i didnt see any messages. im still not sure if they can.

hehehe because i thought she might have unblocked me and sent me a Reconciliation message, was my hope hahahaha.  so obviously i am not nearly over this.

hehehe it looks like people are working a lot of overtime at muh job. 30 hours a week of overtime alone hahaha. ie 70 hours a week. this is what they do.  i guess its better to pay many people 30 hours of overtime than to hire them full time? but couldnt they just put them on salary and make them work overtime for free?

heh. i just dont understand it. wouldnt it be cheaper to do that? or to hire more people so they wouldnt have to give overtime?

i wonder how much overtime she is working.

whenever there was an opportunity for overtime, i would say NO THANK YOU. overtime was time and a half, ie a pretty good rate, yet i was never willing to work EVEN ONE HOUR of overtime, was how much i hated it hahahaha. i am not answering phones and dealing with ridiculous shit for even ONE HOUR of 30 dollars an hour pay hahahaha. no it wasnt THAT much hahahahaha. but it was still high.

the only time i ever worked overtime was when it was absolutely mandatory and they gave you no choice.

that is a great measure of how much do you hate a job. do you AVOID taking overtime at every opportunity?

that was really the only way i was a “bad” employee, is that i was never THIRSTY for overtime. plenty of people are, because they have Huge Debts and Kids and are one paycheck away from the Streets.

THERE, BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD, GO I.

other than that i was a pretty good Employee. like actually smart. smarter than her hahahaha.

hahahaha wawawawawawaw i want Cuddles. I really wanted Cuddles with the woman. i have not have Cuddles in….since….shit 2005 sometime? about maybe may or june 2005 i cuddled with woman3 and maybe woman2, and that was it son. no cuddles for 10 years!

hahahaha no no Sex either. i thouht you had to cuddle to have secs.

no you really dont. bitches these days. maybe 10 years ago the raw hedonism of sex went along naturally with the tender warmth of cuddling. but not in 2015! they have been cleaved in twain!

very strange that women can take the emotion out of it. perhaps the most naturally emotional thing, and the most emotional people, can suck all the emotion out of this thing?

i dont believe it.

that’s why these open rels and promiscuity and casual sex are such clusterfooks!!!! people say they arent, but they really ARE, and they KNOW it, and deep down, they dont WANT it.

but people can FORGET their human natures, such that when they feel rumbles of it, they are confused, or they want to supress these unnatural, violent, Oppressive urges.

anyway i like cuddles! even more than sechs! you cant get diseases or have to have abortionz from cuddles! god damn!

are All Women Emotionally ABUSIVE? what she did was well not evil per se, but SHITTY. it wasnt as bad as cheating, but it was still bad. shitty. and arguably Silent Treatment over the long-term is Manipulative and Emotionally/Psychologically Abusive.

well she wasnt giving me silent treatment over long term, but she was avoiding me over long term. then when the silent treatment kicked in, i went apeshit. that was it. i was done hahahaha. she was done too. well i didnt want to be done with her, but i was done with that situation.

my job made me anxious and she made me anxious. they both made me quite anxious. each made the other worse. i might have been able to handle HER if the job were less anxious. but yeah both shitty things at the same time blasting me in the face. no good. couldnt handle it any more.

yeah i kinda like writing that letter. it has led to more writing hahahaha. i still have things that i want to say TO HER, but i CANT, so writing it To Her is the next best thing.