make sure the apr 15 post is done

sept 9


ok took some nyquil, full 30 mL, at 6.15pm.

i just wanted to know what she wanted me to take away from this. in other words, did she WANT to hurt me? yes or no? And that I can’t tell. well at least i can say i didn’t deserve fookin painful revenge like that. but i want to know if she wanted to hurt me or not. normal people dont want to hurt anyone.

once again, the simplest explanation is the best: she didnt REALLY WANT to hurt me, but she just took the path of least resistance. least resistance. we already knew she didnt like trying or putting in effort.

heh. did you WANT to HURT me? the only time i ever wanted to hurt anyone was when some gurl totally broke my heart and then went on to enjoy her life of being a carefree fun luving slut, and i still sorta saw them sometimes. i wanted them to feel a little bit of the pain i was feeling, to be more remorseful for breaking muh heart. i wanted whatever chad THEY luved, to break THEIR heart.

yeah i guess i felt that for her too. but it was never really strong hate or anything. just sadness and disappointment and oh god my life is over. i didnt want to K myself but I did feel there was nothing to live for hahahahaha. one of the most important people in muh life was gone forever.

the other day i was watching die hard 1 on tv and i was like sheeeeeeeeeeeit its SHAMEFUL that I never really sat down and watched this all the way thru, because this is a CLASSIC that I can TOTALLY understand how people have watched it HUNDREDS of times and is their favorite Action Thriller of All Time. People have seen it 100s of times, can recite every line, every movement, and I totally see why. yet i had never even seen it ONCE.  i mean i had seen bits and pieces of course. but the whole movie beginning to end? nope. and that is a SHAME. that is SAD.

of course it is totally the type of movie i would luv to watch while cuddling with a waifu. like that woman. do i want to cuddle and watch die hard with this woman? or am i indifferent? i better not be!

sept 10

hmm i am wondering if i should officially lower my price to 12 dollars an hour hahahaha. probably yes.

heh. i think nyquil on friday is much better than nyquil on saturday. because now i will be ready to Job Search like a maniac on monday hahahaha.

hmmm i didnt realize nick caves 15 year old son had died and that is basically the reason for his harrowing new album “skeleton tree”. i was fortunate enough to see cave live in 2014 and that was just wonderful, awesome, unforgettable, very special, type of thing you ideally want to share with someone special although i was more than happy to go alone hahahaha. i was pretty indisposed during 2015 and didnt even know his son had died. basically tripping on ACID and he fell off a CLIFF. jeez.

of course he is very private and was not giving interviews, just had this album and an accompanying movie, and i guess both are really intense, as you might imagine. yeah that is really tragic. yeah that will take a few years to get over yikes. supposedly caves father dying when he (nick) was 19 had a YUGE impact on his life, and i have no doubt this will also have a huge impact on him. lot of pain and grief and loss to deal with. but at least he has an attractive faithful wife for the past 17 years hahahahahahahahaha.

i dunno. nick cave is just a great one of a kind guy, and he doesnt need any more grief. but i wish he gave like regular sermons on morality so i could ascertain exactly how degenerate he is hahahahaha. because i suspect he is quite nondegenerate. although he prob was back in his youth. drugs and sluts and shit. but now he is deep and good and possibly religious!

and yeah the concert was fantastic, him as a 57 year old man, didnt matter, whole band (seeds) was electrifying. totally awesome. glad to have been privileged to see that show. definite bucket list shit there. for sure. probably wont ever see them again. but really should if i get the chance.

heh. it is kind of like me losing HER. that is how pure and giving muh love was. totally unconditional. like the love you have for your child. and then they are just ripped out of your life one day. like cave says, you are changed whether you like it or not. you are instantly a different person. you dont even know how to relate to yourself any more. we dont like change, which is fine, but what do you do when life changes you instantly and permanently? you are in a state of confusion, and I guess this new album captures this confusion and uncertainty very well. he is just LOST.

and you just cant replace your son the way you replace lovers. oh youll find someone better. oh i guess it wasnt meant to be. nope. never gonna happen here. you just have to live with that Huge Hole In Your Heart and Life.

so maybe I should listen to this album, maybe it could help me hahahaha.


and its less than 40 minutes, not some 80 minute bloated monstrosity, even better.

movie trailer. i guess a lot of it was filming shortly after his son died. YIKES. INTENSE GRIEF AND PAIN.

but yeah that is totally how i would describe my loss hahahahahah. when you get dumped people tell you to get over it and she wasnt the one and oh well guess it wasnt meant to be. well instead, show them this film and when they are Numb and Crying at the end, see if they would say that shit to you hahahahaha.

so yeah thank u nick cave for explaining to the world that MY grief and loss is like Losing A Child, hehehehehehe.

so you say thats inappropriate, you can never luv your waifu like you luv your child.

well i say who are you to say that. i say ok fine its not exactly, but it is much more similar than you think! unconditional, abiding, long lasting, it never truly dies, its there thru thick and thin, good times and bad. its not some passing phase, cant be replaced.

you have this numb and confused look on your face like nick cave hehehehe. but you are not numb all the time. sometimes youre numb, many times you are confused and sad and devastated and dont know how youre going to adapt to this Big Life Change. when someone is such a big part of your life, than when they leave, YOU CHANGE.  IT CHANGES YOU and you didnt WANT to be changed like this.

now, all the people that have lost children are gonna be offended. ok fine. i guess losing your waifu is not AS bad. but it’s CLOSER to losing a child, than it is to losing some meaningless, forgettable, disposable, replaceable piece of meat on the carousel of meat. its not some passing phase.

dont tell me she was just a disposable replaceable piece of meat to me by saying i should get over her quickly!

of course i would like her to feel that i was important to her too.

i think i was for a while…..but then that ended. it was just a phase hahahaha. she didnt luv me like she would luv her child. of course, many women can make excuses to K their own children! i cant even fathom!

heh i wish she DID give me “BREADCRUMBS!” because that would mean she still cared, and maybe there was a CHANCE, and would let me bang her HARD, and that would prob be enough to make her fall in luv with me! breadcrumbs means shes giving you a CHANCE, WILLING to talk or hang out or do SOMETHING!

MANY normies just dont understand No Contact. when we autists try no contact, THEY contact US and be like oh i havent talked to you in a while.

i guess i was just kinda shocked to see that she was so willing to do no contact as well.

lots of guys threaten to K themselves too. dont leave me or ill K muh self! this is about the worst thing you could do, it makes you the bad guy, an abuser, a manipulator, a sneaky pathetic little J. I am SO glad I never did that. It’s about on par with stalking in the Creeper Checklist.

I mean I don’t think these things are so creepy, i mean you are just expressing the intense pain you are feeling!

i mean when you are being dumped you cant think straight! you can’t really intentionally manipulate someone!!!! you just act reflexively! you make nothing but impaired decisions on anything! your mind is completely fooked up! sheeeit you might just K yourself! right in front of her hahahaha. but you probably wouldnt hurt her hehehehe.

anyway i am SO GLAD that the creepiest thing I did was just write an email. Begging for communication. really that wasnt creepy AT ALL. so I am grateful for that. I could have been a LOT creepier. but instead I was well behaved and wasnt creepy at ALL.

i was pathetic sure. beeta. omeega. please respond. please dont throw me away like a piece of garbage. please try to be a little nicer to me, please dignify our friendship and tell me i meant anything to you and that you dont WANT to hurt me. acknowledge muh pain please. please end this better.

but no stalking, no threats hahahaha. i mean i had some “dark thoughts” sure. thank GOD I dont get those any more!

was in church and there was like an 18 year old gurl at the oldest a few rows ahead of me. she was kinda chubby and potatoey but she had a very cute nice face and hair and this honestly nullified all the potatoeyness. she was there with her father who himself was pretty soft and potatoey but seemed like a nice guy. i hope she doesnt become a slut. i thought about Asking Her Out in the middle of church, or maybe asking her father. for permission to date his 17 year old daughter hahahahaha. GREAT.

but yeah theres the Protector and Provider sense.  in a way you are like their new father, and they are like your child that you protect and provide for. so thats partially why its like losing a child. a child that you fook hard like some kind of porno slut hahahahaha.

no contact. WOMEN, never fook or suck a man unless it would take you two full years of No Contact to Get Over Him. thats how serious you must be about the man.

went for 2.8 mile powerwalk, listened to that new nick cave album, not really a fun listen, there are no real song type songs on it, really just kinda like poems with atmospheric ambient background music, like his previous album pushed towards that extreme. no catchy hit songs.



lot of good stuff here, i know his feels all too well, except he is younger and has more experience and is gonna have a sweet engin degree soon hhahahaah.




well had dreams last night but dont think she was in them thank god.

google dumped for no reason

you never get dumped for NO REASON! if it seems like theres no reason, most likely she just LOST INTEREST in you BECUASE you were too beta! The Root Cause is YOU being Defective!

i am ALL FOR taking personal responsibility, not shirking responsibility, but this counts for women too. they cant just blame it on the guy for being beta.

BUT THATS THE WAY WOMEN ARE naturally: if you are beta to them, they lose attraction and dump you. its that simple.

well we never had an actual rel so…..

but i still Changed The Game by sending out signals i wanted to Date her, and then she thought EW. GROSS. UGH. he’s WAYYYYY too beta/clingy/needy/weak/sensitive/girly/unmanly/etc for me to date him! he was ok to be friends with but never to date!

so she loses respect when this weak lesser beta DARES to think he could ever date her!

and of course i make excuses for my beta behavior: job stress was eating away at me, stress of not Resolving our shit in the Rel was eating away at me.

when i say resolve, i mean simply both of us communicate and agree to disagree hahahaha.

well i wasnt AS beta when dealing with woman2012, i dont think. this time i was beta as fook because i felt weak and at the breaking point. that feel when you want moral support from someone who once gave it to you but they dont want to give it any more. because you were too beta? well you were always kinda beta but now you committed the crime of getting feelings. a beta with FEELINGS, oh no.

to think that a woman would care more for an abuser or cheater as long as they werent a beta niceguy! but she would TRY to work things out with an abuser or cheater rather than a beta.

if you WANT a woman to dump you because she is subpar…..act like a beta and she will dump you mercilessly. i can give you lessons hahahaha. 12 bucks an hour hahahaha.

the nicest, kindest, warmest, most virtuous woman. who gave you the sweetest taste of Actual Real Female Kindness. can turn into the biggest stone cold bitch when you turn beta.

come on. if you want me out of your life, have enough preschool level empathy to realize i dont want YOU out of my life, therefore this is gonna HURT me, and dont you want to minimize my pain? youre the one that wants me out. try to kick me out nicely. when people get FIRED, the people firing them usually try to break the news in a nice way.


dont add insult to injury by giving bad news in the worst way possible, like the person DESERVES to be heartbroken.

thats why sometimes i think god damn she NEEDS TO KNOW how WRONG this is. she cant live her life like this. she cant hurt other poor beta saps like me like this! i need to do it for them!

if i were more of a psycho i would do something crazy. like confront her at her house and then blow my brains out right in front of her, saying “this is all your fault, never forget this, you are 100% to blame for this” kablammmmo and then she would never be able to erase that from her mind and her life would be ruined forever hahahaha.

see you only get these ideas when you really LOVE the woman. this is what Real Heartbreak looks and feels like. you feel like you cant go on. like you will never get over the person.

its  just so stupid to see them TURN on you like this. over just a few months. once they were a Close Friend, now you dont even know them any more, and they dont care about you any more. the nicest person has become the meanest person. a stranger.

i guess i should take comfort in there nothing new here. this has happened to millions of people. MILLIONS. literally. possibly billions.

wawawawawaw how come women cant treat betas with respect? like human beings.

because women are programmed by nature to treat betas like the worst pieces of shit ever, drive them to k’ing themselves hahahaha.

well ok. so lets say a church or a family wants to teach women to be Virtuous, how would they teach girls to Reject Betas? be christlike, dump them like jesus would, what would JESUS do, he’d say, I’m SORRY, you’re not a bad person, this isnt your FAULT, i just cant do a relationship with you, i am called to be the son of god. dont be heartbroken. theres nothing you could have done. you’ll find the right person someday.

how do fathers advise their daughters to dump beta niceguys?  probably in a similar way. dont be mean abotu it. dont be a BITCH. be nice and gentle when you are breaking someones heart. that is tough enough.

i even wrote, please talk about this with somebody, talk to this person or that person or that person (all three sensible people who would advise her, dont be a BITCH.)

of course all she needs to say is “he was making me feeeeeeeeel weeeeeeird idk lol” and thats all it takes, to absolve her of all acountability, to dump me like a huge bitch, to make me the bad guy, and her the good guy. because i was weird and she didnt feel comfortable. i think that is a fooking COP OUT.

also women shouldnt FOOK guys they dont KNOW, for example guys they JUST MET. how do you know he’s not a huge fookin weirdo????!?!?!?!?!?!?!? oh wait it doesnt matter. just have S with him and then you can always dump him later if he turns out to be a weirdo. which knowing my luck, he probably will be wawawawawa i always pick the wrong men hahahaha lol idk

women act like this until they are THIRTY. this is OBSCENE.

google still cant get over ex

yes GMP are a bunch of beta manginas but i dont care at this point, i will take any help i can get

If you expect your emotional suffering to decrease in a linear A to B straight line, you’re in for a rude awakening. –  yep i always do this. becuase i want to be over it ASAP.

You may be emotionally and psychologically addicted to your ex because they were your only source of a certain emotion, thought, or feeling that you only got from them. – See more at:

A year after his break-up, a young man explained to me that he would imagine his ex being proud of him when he accomplished a difficult task. The internal image was supportive, proud and dependable. Like a child’s teddy bear or blanket imbued with the special ability to comfort him, this young man’s creative capacity to love, awakened in the relationship, endowed the internal image of his ex with the power to help him through his struggles. The internal image signified the loving relationship he and his former partner created during the best of times—it was a representation of his ability to love.

ok that makes sense……so how do you STOP it hahahahaha

yep thats me, i use words like “DEVASTATED” and Just Cant Get Over It

so use this 12 step inspired program to get over your Ex. i think its free.

of course jezebel is HORRIBLE but this article is ok.

so the dumper mourns the death of the rel while they are still in the rel, right in front of you. SO WHY DONT THEY TRY TO WORK ON IT WITH YOU? you see them getting all distant and cold and they refuse to talk to you or hang out with you or make shit better. becuase you are a raging alcoholic hahahahaha. because you cant stop doing the Obvious Thing that is Obviously Single Handedly Ruining the Rel. like being a Huge Beta hahahaha. she doesnt NEED to talk to you about it. if you cant SEE WHAT YOURE DOING, its hopeless hahahaha.

men take longer than woment ot get over Post Relationship Grief (PRG), author uses the word “thirsty” like a pussy but i will forgive him….well maybe not, this guy really is a huge pussy. but i dont doubt men take longer than women to Get Over It. or at least i do hahahaha. (NO ONE KNOWS “THIRST” LIKE A MAN!!!!!!!! SO OF COURSE MEN ARE “THIRSTY”!!!!!)

i like this exaholics thing. might even sign up!

hey im not the one who did something absolutely ridiculous. i was trying to talk to her. she flushed me down the crapper. that is so out of line, so ridiculous. wanting to talk or hang out is reasonable. totally throwing away someone youve known for almost 3 years is totally unreasonable and ridiculous and insane.  i was unreasonable sure but she was WAY MORE unreasonable.

lesson learned: always ask the woman whats wrong because she wont take the initiative to talk about things that are wrong, shell just dump you. she’ll probably dump you anyway after you talk about it, but at least you tried, and can have the clear conscience of it wasnt your fault.

why didnt i just send her an email or leave her a 20 minute voicemail of me babbling?

because i thought we were gonna honestly hang out some day.

but i was in desperate denial by that point, because we hadnt hung out in MONTHS. we usually hung out once a month or so BEFORE, but now we would go months and months and months?

it has been 63 days since i last initiatied contact with her (email4), and like 96 days since the shit went down. i am still tempted daily to contact her. like i could just say one thing that might give me a 1% chance to convince her to respond to me.  i have to take a chance on luv. i have to go ALL IN. its the things you dont do that you regret hahahahaha.

but havent i done enough? kind of, yes. and any more would be stalking. or PUSHING hahahahaha. i cant push her any more. you can lead the horse to water but you cant make them drink. i led the horse to the water months and months ago. i just couldnt push them to drink.

women are ALWAYS texting and hanging out with Ex Boifrans they cant get over.  they are the WORST at no contact. they are in CONSTANT contact with Exes.

i guess this is what makes you think she would be willing to contact YOU!

but shes not hung up on YOU, she doesnt want YOU back, she wants CHAD THUNDERC0CK back!!!!!!

that word has been the word of the week, it brings a smile to my face, one day i would like to BE CHAD THUNDERC0CK to some gurl. ideally a decent woman i could be faithful to, who would be faithful to me, that i could bring home to introduce to family, but yet i am not a total beta pussy and i give her good chad thunderc0ck style poundings on the reg too.

shit i felt so close and trusting and knowing of her, i was actually considering having her meet muh family! whereas with Average women, you think PSHAW! this dirty unvirtuous skank is so beneath the league of being able to meet muh fam! she WISHES she could meet my fam!

there was another metric i came up with, do you prefer not to see pictures of this person?

some of The Women, i can see a picture of them and think MEH. no reaction. but others i just say, NOPE, would prefer not to ever see a picture of them ever again. and w15 is gonna be one of those i think. most of them ARE.  i think it indicates True Luv.

and True Luv definition, is that it risks True, Real Heartbreak!

making yourself available to the Most Positive Feeling, also makes yourself Vulnerable to the MOST HORRIBLE FEEL EVER.

never forget that one chad thunderc0ck hahahaha.

i dunno. it just hurts to have a REAL friend and then to lose them well before you are ready. then you are left with a gaping hole in your heart and life that, before you knew them, you just figured you would never meet somebody that special, they didnt exist, you werent capable of Intimacy and Closeness and Specialness.

then you meet them and your heart eventually opens up and starts to work again and pours sweet luv and oxytocin and dopamine, then they throw you away, and you still have those chemicals, but they arent around any more, so its “rejection frustration” or whatever. theyre gone, but the chemicals are still there, so you feel abandoned and heartbroken. and it takes fooking FOREVER for the chemicals to die off apparently!!!!! so that you quit your job because you see HER there, and sign up for hahahaha.

well the job truly was a nightmare. im still thinking that could be the Silver Lining in all this. is that it forced me to quit a job that was slowly killing me!

ok nice 4.4 miler

i tried to empathize, to think of this from HER point of view, but i just couldnt. i have never DUMPED anyone before! i never had anyone fall in one sided love with ME! if i did, id LIKE TO THINK i would say, listen do you have something you want to talk about? do you have feelings for me? if so, im sorry but i dont have them back. maybe for your own health we should not hang out then. i dont mean to hurt you but i know this will hurt. im sorry to hurt you but thats my final answer, i dont have feelings and i probably never will. you have to start getting over this now. we can have a series of long talks and emails to help you get closure, but i just cant have feelings for you. i am sorry. its nothing you did. its not your fault. its my fault, because i cant get feeligns for you. i dont hate you, if you hate me, thats understandable.

but what if i just thought OH GOD my friend has FEELINGS for me, im just gonna IGNORE IT AND HOPE IT GOES AWAY.


thats EXACTLY what she did. and it didnt go away. so she could either talk about the issue, or never talk about it. it got to the point where never talking about it meant never talking TO me ever again.

the god damn admins at exoholics have not approved my profile yet! well the forums and everything there is private. you have to be APPROVED before you can log in. maybe i could get a job with them hahahaha. but not in anything Web or Computers related hahahaaha. cuz fook that shit.

some people are real Tech Support Personalities. they are anal as fook and think they are smarter than everyone else. i am not one of these people. well i do think im smarter than everyone else, but i dont have the arrogance when dealing with computer shit. then im like yep im just as confused as you are, arent you glad you got me. well if we cant get anywhere in 20 minutes, hang up and call back and hoep you get somebody BETTER hahahaha.

in no other job is it SO HARD to meet your Quality Metrics. and in some places people get FIRED. you get fired from the shitties job because you cant mee unreasonable standards. and you just honestly want to HELP people but you CANT because you dont KNOW how to help them, you cant FIGURE OUT how to help them, you cant get level 2 to help you help them, you cant get permission to help them, you dont even know if you need permission to help them because you dont know what youre doing. they are calling you for help and its blind leading the blind. it is VERY nerve wracking. i dont know how i survived 1 year. and it was a damn WOMAN that forced me out!


this is not unusual for Call Centers. you are just ONE STEP CLOSER TO THE EDGE, & IMA BOUT TO BREAK!!!

and i think my place was above average for Call Centers! It was no comcast thank god!!!!!

google is it abusive to try to talk to someone

this turned into google is it abusive to ignore someone hahahahaha got a lot there


he silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse typically employed by people with narcissistic tendencies. It is designed to (1) place the abuser in a position of control; (2) silence the target’s attempts at assertion; (3) avoid conflict resolution/personal responsibility/compromise; or (4) punish the target for a perceived ego slight. Often, the result of the silent treatment is exactly what the person with narcissism wishes to create: a reaction from the target and a sense of control.

The target, who may possess high emotional intelligence, empathy, conflict-resolution skills, and the ability to compromise, may work diligently to respond to the deafening silence. He or she may frequently reach out to the narcissistic person via email, phone, or text to resolve greatly inflated misunderstandings, and is typically met with continued disdain, contempt, and silence. Essentially, the narcissistic person’s message is one of extreme disapproval to the degree that the silence renders the target so insignificant that he or she is ignored and becomes more or less nonexistent in the eyes of the narcissistic person.


so she was a NARCISSIST? if anything she seemed like the antithesis of a narcissist, almost egoless. if anything, I would be the narcissist!!!!!!

everybody is a LITTLE narcssistic, and she seemed less narcissistic than average! way less! selfless and giving!

and they do it to control? but she ALREADY HAD all of the control!!!!! she hardly needed any MORE control!

soul murder baby. she was murdering my soul with psychological abuse.

i wasnt abusing HER, she was abusing ME hahahahahahaha

but i thought i was abusing her!

what a cunning and baffling disease hahahahaha

i dont think she was doing it intentionally. of course how many narcissists do? 50%? more? less?

well i still dont think she is a narcissist! she is more of an avoider than a narcissist.

also this allows her to shift the blame onto me. im the bad guy, therefore she doesnt need to talk to me.

yeah i already pasted this but this is a good article, good comments, however i dont think my “abuser” was FULLY AWARE what they were doing. but damn wouldnt THAT be horrible!

did she want to do soemthing HORRIBLE to me to FORCE me to take her off the high pedestal i had her on?

maybe, i will never know.

i wonder if she did this because her BF did it to her?

because her father abandoned her? more likely hahahahaha.

but i dont think she even really knows what she was doing.

also i didnt give her much of a chance to continue the Silent Treatment because i left the job soon after. but  i did send her a few emails begging her to talk or respond to me.  of course nothing happened there.

but i cant tell her that what shes doing is bad and potentially abusive because she will never listen to me hahahaha.

hopefully a mature adult in her life could tell her its a bad thing to do. but she probably told them i was Being Creepy so that justified Silent Treatment from her!


of course the problem is EVERYTHING falls under the damn umbrella of CREEPY nowadays, its impossible NOT to be creepy!!!!!

maybe all she knows is abandonment, pain, and loss, so that is all she can give people!

but i KNOW thats not true, she can give good stuff too. she used to give some of that good stuff to me. she used to be very nice to me. i liked it a lot when she was nice to me. and then i used that to fuel my imagination of what a Nice, Loving, Caring, Supportive Gurlfran she would be. but holy shit that did not happen! and in the end she took away that warmth and niceness and became a mean cold bitch and it was heartbreaking.

no job will ever train you. they will throw you in front of abusive customers with no training, and if you dont figure it out fast enough, they will fire you. so you have to beg, borrow, steal, lie, bullshit, deceive, bait and switch, in order to survive at first. just cuz you hate facing customers and not knowing what to do. shit i would tell the customers stay away from this company and take your money to our competitors. dont buy from this company, they really dont care about you.

the only way to hold these k1kes accountable is to stop giving their damn company money!

the only way to hold women accountable is…… i have no idea. they will just find another man to ABUSE and break HIS heart hahahaha and NEVER learn. maybe make a few babies with a few chad thundercox hahahahaha. have babies with guys you only know for a week, yet throw out people you have known for 3 years. come on.


well weve all done this to some degree. not to a person, this badly, though.

well did you ever have a friend where it just wasnt working out? and you just stop responding enthusiastically and hope they stop calling or texting you and eventually they do? and probably theyre not too butthurt?

like there was a guy at the job where we became sort of friendly and occasionally exchange emails, i gave him my phone number not because i wanted him to call me all the time but basically to show i thought he was a good guy, but i didnt really want to become friends with him, plus he is busy as fook working like 90 hours a week, but i think hes a good guy, but i dont want to be super close with him. anyway it is inevitable that we will drift apart and neither of us will be too hurt by it, but i will always remember him favorably!

well theres a BIG difference between me and him, and me and HER! i was a lot closer to her, and she had expressed more closeness to me. it wasnt ALWAYS THIS one sided, in other words. there was a sense of two sided ness when things were good, and during that time, she was warm to me, and generally very nice to me, and i liked that.

it wasnt like i was ALWAYS in one sided luv with her, and we NEVER hung out, and she was NEVER nice to me.

i honestly used to be just friends with her, and we hung out semi regularly (i wonder if we hung out MORE if that would have accelerated things? and because i didnt want to accelerate things, i didnt push to hang out MORE, plus she was having problems with her boifran. but she was ALWAYS having PROBLEMS of some sort. and when i did want to hang out more, then we stopped hanging out AT ALL.)

i SWEAR i would have talked about The Issue if we DID hang out! that was the main reason i wanted to hang out! i didnt want to talk about this AT WORK. i couldnt talk about anything serious AT WORK. even if we were on break. right in front of the fooking building.

but in hindsight i should have TOLD her, right in front of the fooking building.

but i believed her, like a fool, when she said we would hang out “SOON.” or “NEXT MONTH.” and then i would have my precious Talk.

when she was just thinking, ignore it and hope it goes away. put it off, postpone it, and maybe he’ll get over it, get the hint, stop asking.





i just want to make clear that i am not condemning her as a person for ghosting me because i think she intended to just give me the cold shoulder for a while, and didnt premeditatedly intend to hurt me, and then my overreaction to the cold shoulder made it develop into a ghosting which she really never intended. so all this is really my fault 100% hahahahahaha. anyway she is not a cold blooded repeat ghoster. but i couldnt even handle a cold shoulder and then it slippery sloped into a ghost. but i think the cold shoulder is a relative of the ghost. they are both forms of AVOIDANCE. cowardly avoiding elephants in rooms.


well this is the most beautiful email/thing ever written from one person to another. i will try diligently to scrub all personal information so that will make it more incoherent. she will prob never read this but i feel it is a great example of love, albeit one sided love, but still shows what love is, and how much one person can care for another, how deeply we can be hurt, and how our emotions and love are stronger than normalfag nonmonogamous cheaters who just use and abuse people like disposable garbage meat. but not us!


it is creepy and mentally ill and violent and abusive to go on the internet and abuse someone by airing private laundry.  but i do so to vindicate myself in some way, and to provide Comfort For The Ghosted.

I don’t think I deserved to Get Ghosted. I think the things I asked for in my Post Ghosting Email were not unreasonable, given the fact that we had a history, we used to respect each other, and even if I was sort of lying about Fully Accepting That It’s Over, because I will always Want Her Back, and therefore will try not to write any more emails, it took this email for me to learn that. and 90% of what I write echoes the sentiment of REASONABLE people who RIGHTFULLY dislike and frown on the immature, rude, disrespectful behavior of Ghosting.

And I echo REASONABLE sentiments about Communciation, Respect, Basic Human Courtesy, that Ghosting rudely spits in the face of.

If anything I was TOO nice about it! I had more of a right to get Righteous Indignant in Demanding my Satisfaction!

It would be bad karma if I tried to expose who she was or who i am. I don’t want anyone to know who we are. just anonymous americans hahahaha who could live in any town in any state. both i or she could be your friend or relative. i dont wish her major ill will in life……i just wish she had treated me more respectfully. and i think she does deserve to not feel GOOD about this, it should cause her some guilt to hurt another person in this way, when it could have been so easily avoided. but it is not my right to dole out that guilt.  but i do want to use this email to tell a story about Ghosting, Rejection, Communication.  but i AM very concerned about karma and i dont want to bring bad karma…….to myself hahahahahahaha. by publicly dragging her through the mud.

but i do want to publicly show an 90% anonymous Story of Ghosting and How I was Justified in wanting Basic Human Respect, and Open Direct Communication, about an issue that was affecting both of us.

hey i hold no grudge against her. i want the best for her and her life. she was just a good person doing a bad thing which hurt me deeper than i have been hurt in many years. and to prove to jezebel journalists that not all guys who get ghosted deserve it, because then they go on huge twitter rants after they get ghosted, trying to run the ghost through the mud by name.

well being rejected this harshly would make the most secure person upset and angry! that doesn’t PROVE youre an abusive monster!

i just am insecure about that because i while i dont have any iron clad proof I AM an abusive monster, I dont have any proof im NOT an abusive monster either. Which would be a Happy Healthy Long Term RElationship that began and ended without any abuse by me.

well i never abused this woman during 3 years of Friendship, that should mean something.

[edit: i didnt mean i wanted an award because its SUCH AN ACHIEVEMENT to never abuse a woman jsut even once. doesnt everybody get one? hahahaha. NO. i MEANT that there is such MISANDRY in the current year, that sick degen marxist journalists and commentators want to paint ALL MEN as abusers. patriarchy and rape culture and shit. so that even Big Softies like me are ABUSING WOMEN WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING IT. BULLSHIT. you want a rape culture look at the #rapeugees which are gang raping women in europe. #refugeesnotwelcome hahahaha. basically i meant that if you are in a state of low self confidence, as you may be when devastatingly dumped, you may be very TRIGGERED by anti-male writing like jezebel that insists that you DESERVE shitty treatment because you had internalized misogyny that you used to abuse women without even knowing it, you were the bad guy here, you made her do this, you caused this, you made the choice and brought this on yourslef. BULLSHIT. ]

but even if i was not abusive, i was TOXIC, which is PRE-ABUSIVE and means you WILL be abusive.

this is why you must NEVER read jezebel journalists, or ANY professional journalists. it si pure POISON that requires a lot of STRENGTH and SECURITY to withstand, and we just aren’t that secure yet. so just stay away from it. vomit it out and stay away from it.



This is a REALLY long email, but I just had a few things I needed to express. Please read this (doesn’t need to be all at once, it’s ridiculously long!) and think about it; and please respond someday, even if just a short email in the future, and most of all, please don’t hate me. [i will add current commentary in square brackets. ok see i was too nice about not wanting to be hated.]  Let’s try to end this in the best way possible, rather than the worst way possible. [yes. directly saying what i wanted. theres a better way to end this.]

I probably won’t send any more. But writing these does help me to move on, and to let go, to get a sense of closure, and to be able to say some things I want to say. I don’t think they are better left unsaid; I also think that saying them does not bring bad karma to either you or me. I want to be really careful not to bring any more pain to either of us.

Hope you are doing ok. I just wanted to say I will always be willing to talk to you at any time in the future, if you ever want to talk. [by being so nice i really do not stand up for my self so well, i act like somebody who does not want or deserve respect. i was still thinking i was The Only Bad Guy because I Pushed her too hard and Scared Her. or Annoyed Her.]

I was angry at how you seemed to turn your back on me. I don’t know if you meant to hurt me, but I sure never meant to hurt you. I just wish you had said something, like “sorry but I don’t share your feelings” or “please don’t talk to me for a few months” or something. I never wanted to make you hate me like this. It’s fine if you don’t share my feelings, but please don’t hate me. I’m not a bad guy or a horrible person or an evil abuser or sociopath. [all very true!]

I know I was ridiculous and just too much to handle, but I don’t think what I did was bad enough for you to hate me forever, and for things to end in this way. I felt that your reaction of not responding to me at all would be more appropriate if I had done something extremely cold or cruel to you, like cheated on you, betrayed you, abandoned you, or abused you, and I really don’t think I did any of that. I just wanted to express my true feelings to you, and have a direct, honest conversation about it. [yep another decent paragraph]

I accept that it’s over. But it doesn’t need to end so badly and hurtfully. We can still end it in a mutually respectful, compassionate, humane way. [well i accepted in my MIND that its over but not in my heart. in my heart of hearts i still want her. but no lie about wanting to end it in a mutually respectful way! although now MY respect for HER is waning because of the way she treated it and gave ME no respect!]

We once had a great friendship, and we are still both decent, good-hearted people who deserve respect from each other. When you turned away from me, I felt that you were saying that our entire past friendship was worthless, and I don’t think that’s true at all. Our friendship meant a lot to me. I don’t think I betrayed it or canceled it out by getting feelings. I couldn’t help getting feelings. But that meant that things did need to change. But I think we can handle that change so that neither of us gets hurt too much. Right now I am really hurt by the idea that you hate me and maybe think I betrayed you. I feel you are treating me like a monster, and probably you don’t mean to do that, and that’s all my perception. But that’s still how I feel. I wasn’t perfect, but I don’t think I was a monster. [true statements, but again i am bowing down too much like a supplicator]

It’s ok that things need to end. We just have different feelings towards each other, want different things from each other. This is just a part of life that everybody goes through, I’ve gone through it before. But my point is, we can end things peacefully and kindly, rather than cold, angry, and bitter. [TRUTH!!!!!!!!]

We can end things with a better sense of closure than this. It won’t take away all the pain and disappointment, but I guarantee it will make both of us feel a lot better over the long run. I’ve experienced disappointments both with and without closure, and with closure is a million times better. [TRUTH!]

Please let’s try to have better closure. Just tell me you don’t hate me, and can treat me like a human being, and that our friendship meant something to you, and that you believe me when I say it was not a fake, because that is the absolute truth. [the not hating me really doesn’t matter, its the not treating me with respect that is the problem. treat me like a human being. that part was direct. and the friendship WAS very important to me! thats why this ghosting hurt so much, and was so shocking!]

We don’t need to have a long conversation, although I’m more than willing to. I’ve said a lot of what I really wanted to say. Really I just want some assurance from you that you will not hate or be angry at me or remember me negatively; and that our past friendship meant something to you. [you see how i candy coat things a little to be nice, but you can also see the truth of what i was saying too. you can say intense things in a nice way, which was all i was trying to do by saying “please dont hate me,” even though it techincally is “supplicating”]

I could see you being so angry because maybe you thought that whole past friendship was fake, and that I betrayed all that and threw it all away, but I don’t think that’s the case, at all. It was very real to me, and I wanted to address my new feelings as soon as they happened, so they wouldn’t become a problem. [total truth!!!! total vindication! saying things like this is why i wrote these emails! because we couldnt communicate about this stuff together!] Also I was afraid to discuss the topic of your relationships with you, but I don’t see that as me lying, being fake, or betraying you. [kinda unclear, but referred to me dancing around certain topics with her, like her “new boyfriend.”]

Also I understand you being scared and frightened by my weird, creepy behavior, which was just too overwhelming, and impossible to respond to. That’s very understandable! [yeah yeah yeah i guess, whatever. so i was pushy. she could have said SOMETHING. we knew each other for almost 3 years, we USED to communicate.] All I can say to that was that I’m not perfect, I don’t communicate in the best way, I was feeling a lot of stress and anxiety and desperation and was emotionally compromised, but I never, ever wanted to betray you or make you hate me. [i was under a lot of stress, i felt like a nervous breakdown, still not over that, it will take 600 days hahaha]

I know I annoyed you a LOT, and I scared you too. I would be scared if someone acted that way toward me! [i guess i was manipulative as well as supplicating with my “forced empathy” right? making me the 100% bad guy who desereved to get ghosted. ] I know I made mistakes, and did not communicate very well at all, but when you pushed me away and stopped talking to me entirely, and unfriended me, and blocked me, I felt really hurt. It will take me a long time to get over that. I’m still hurting. I don’t know if you ever read these emails or if you just deleted them immediately, or set up email to delete them automatically, but I hope you can listen to me now with the same sense of compassion and kindness which we showed each other during the times when our friendship was strong. [very good points. along with the cringeworthy pvssy stuff, there are lots of very good solid points in here]

I didn’t intend to kill our friendship by getting feelings, and I could understand if that’s why you’re so angry. I just couldn’t help getting feelings. You can’t choose when or who you get feelings for. To pretend those feelings didn’t exist and try to go on with the friendship, now that would be a true fake and a lie. It is really painful to lose such a good friendship, and maybe that’s how you feel. That would be sort of good actually, because at least then I would know that you thought our friendship was worth something. It sure was worth a lot to me! It hurts me to lose it too, but I was at a crossroads, and I felt it was better karma in the long run to live honestly, and confess my feelings to you, rather than live a lie, and have our friendship become a lie. That would be the real betrayal. [well i dont know if it would be “the real betrayal”, like i said, this thing isnt 100% PERFECT, because you gotta be 100% PERFECT in order to have a job or a decent relationship hahahaha]

Of course this had to change/affect our friendship. When one person gets feelings in a friendship, it can’t not change things. Things have to change, even end. It will be painful and difficult. But I think they can still end peacefully, with respect on both sides. I will always have respect for you, but I feel like you hate me and see me as less than human, like I am a horrible rapist psycho sociopath, or total piece of shit deadbeat. I cannot handle that. I can handle you not sharing my feelings though. [yes sir, good paragraph. like i said, there is tons of good shit in here that DID get my point across, and which any self respecting person would agree with: ghosting is not a mature respectful thing to do, and i did not deserve ghosting!]

I know you were angry at me, but I can’t believe you hated me that much, or wanted to hurt me that much. You were always so kind and caring, and to be so cold was not like you. I know I angered and scared you, but I still don’t think I deserved such a harsh treatment, and I really don’t think you meant to be so harsh. that’s just how things happened. [i was honest about feeling like i was treated harshly. i felt like i was! but i was still A Pvssy and gave her a way out by saying “you didn’t mean to hurt me though.” maybe she didn’t. doesnt mean i wasnt hurt and that i deserved this treatment! really i deserve an apology and for her to make amends with ME, more than i need to make amends with HER by being pushy for communication!]

It’s fine if you could never share my feelings for you. I can get over that! What really hurts me is I feel you have rejected me as a person, as a human being, like I am just some disgusting horrible monster who doesn’t deserve any kind of compassion or kindness. And since I know you are a kind person, it hurts even more, and is terribly confusing, to see that coming from you, and to think that you feel that way towards me. You were always really nice to me, and I really appreciated that human kindness. I wish I had shown it to you better. [i showed i felt i was a human being who deserves to be treated like a human being. good, valid point.]

It hurts when you have something good and then you lose it, like the closeness, trust, and kindness we once had. We weren’t random strangers who only knew each other for a few weeks. Then this sort of anger and coldness might be appropriate. We were friends who knew each other for several years, and trusted each other, and had mutual respect and understanding for each other. I felt we had a real connection, and I had not connected like that with someone in a long time. It hurts so much to have that fade away. I would rather have a huge argument where we scream at each other, rather than everything ending this way, so coldly. [god damn right. we weren’t strangers, i wasnt a random stranger, we had had a good friendship for almost 2 years, and knew eachother for almost 3 years. you dont ghost a person like that.]

I know you have been abandoned by people you cared for and who you thought cared for you, and then they just walked away, abandoned you, never to hear from them again. PLEASE don’t do that to me. That’s kind of what it feels like. I will never understand it, and it’s caused me great pain. You don’t have to share my deeper feelings. It’s pretty obvious you don’t! But please try to treat me with respect and compassion like you once did, like you would treat any human being who is suffering. Please don’t hurt me in the same awful way others have hurt you in the past. You’re just not that kind of person. [this cuts deep and maybe i should redact it. before i knew the word “ghosting” this was the closest idea i knew of, being ABANDONED by somebody you cared for. I knew this had happened to her. i tried to manipulate her into seeing how hurtful this was, because she had been hurt this way herself. but its not entirely manipulate to want to END THE CYCLE OF ABUSE hehehehe]

I’m not a bad person either, I never meant to betray you or lie to you. As soon as things changed, I wanted to be honest about it, and the more I avoided the truth, the more the tension grew obvious between us. I really wanted to talk about it in person, I was very stubborn about that, but I felt such a discussion was best had in person, in private, a “heart to heart” talk. So that’s why I didn’t “blurt it out” in text or email or just during a break at work; in hindsight I probably should have, just to get it out already, so that things did not reach a boiling point. [yeah true. but she could have talked to me in a timely manner rather than AVOIDING. all ghosting is is AVOIDANCE. I am avoidant myself so pot and kettle, but i have never GHOSTED somebody and after this experience, I really never want to! almost as bad as cheating hahahahahaha]

We used to get along really well and really naturally, easily, effortlessly, no awkwardness, right away. Like two peas in a pod! That does not happen very often for me at ALL, and I don’t think it happens very often for you either. Please try to remember those times, because I am still that same person. [this is all true, but here i also give away my true feelings: i want us to rekindle this special connection, please change your mind.]

I think I NEEDED to know you for a long time before I developed feelings for you, because in the past, I had gotten feelings too fast, before I really knew and trusted the person, and I just ended up hurting myself by opening my heart too fast to someone I wasn’t compatible with. [very insightful and true!]

But with you, I just let our friendship grow naturally, and I grew to know you and trust you over time. This trust and long-term friendship helped cause my feelings to change, along with many other interacting causes: you and old long term guy ending, you and new short term guy beginning and ending, me and you hanging out at bla bla (then I had my first early, vague feeling that things were in the process of changing), going to bla bla, going to the bla bla concert, or when we used to sit next to each other at work last year and still got along pretty well, and talk and laugh. [true but same thing, i tried to share the important things for me that helped me fall in love with her, because i am really trying to i guess “break” her and make her not ghost me, and ultimately make her fall n love with me, live happily ever after. semi manipulative but i dont think i can be blamed too much.]

We had a great connection which was lost, and I am mourning that loss with great sorrow. [fookin A right!]

We were open and honest in talking about most things, BUT the one important exception was, I was always afraid to ask you about your “new boyfriend” last summer, and you were probably hesitant to tell me. [well, not the ONLY exception. i should have been just as direct in teling her about my feels for her.] In hindsight, I should have directly asked you about that immediately, and helped us become more comfortable talking about those sort of things. It would have helped us communicate better about my own feelings, which were starting to develop around that time. [very true, although i should have supplicated more in asking about HER feelings, not just me. well excuse me for not writing the perfect email. i am totally rekt after all!]  Especially since your relationship with new guy was part of what caused my feelings for you to finally change when they did. I honestly was very surprised to see you dating someone so soon after previous long term rel. That made me think about how you and me got along so well, and we had compatible values and personalities, and I started to wonder if I might be a better person for you than new guy was. [very true. i expressed some solid truths to her here which i wish i could have expressed in person, when we were still on speaking terms, rather than a post-ghosting email which will probably be immediately deleted and never even read.]

Of course you can’t make people change their feelings! I’ve learned that lesson very well over the years. [very damn true. see i get a lot of stuff right here!]

But please don’t throw me away like a piece of garbage. I’m still pretty much the same person I ever was. My feelings for you changed, but I don’t think that cancels out the time we had before that at all. [fookin a right.] You don’t have to “like me back”, and I fully accept that you don’t, but I wish we could finish this with the same spirit of compassion, courtesy, and kindness that we started with. I know you’re not a bad person, and neither am I, and it just seems so unlike you to completely shut somebody out and slam the door in their face, leave them without ever talking to them again, like it feels you’ve done to me. [essentially defining ghosting right there een though i didnt know the word! and again demanding the respect i rightfully deserve! i never ABUSED her! i never cheated on her! i never ghosted her!]

I’m not asking for you to return my feelings, because I know you just can’t do that, and I accept that. I’m just asking you to treat me more humanely please, and let me down a little softer. [so i dont FULLY accept it, but yeah i DO want to be let down softer. the point clearly stands.]

The idea of karma is very important to me. We may never be able to be friends again, but let’s please try not to hate each other the rest of our lives. It’s NEVER too late to finish this in a more civil way. I will ALWAYS be willing to talk to you. If you don’t want to respond to me right now that’s fine. Just please try to do it someday, maybe after the pain is not so fresh.

I know I hurt, angered, annoyed, and frightened you, creeped you out, and I am truly sorry for that, and wish I had done things different. I would like to make amends with you, to set things right, so that you can forgive me. What could I do to do that? I think that it’s pointless to ask for forgiveness if you are not willing to make things right, to prove that you are truly sorry, to try to right the wrong. So I want to truly earn and deserve your forgiveness. [well i think SHE needs to earn MY forgiveness, because her ghosting has hurt me, more than me being Pushy About Talking has hurt HER.]

Also I am asking you to please reconsider how you are handling this now. I’m not asking you to return my feelings, I’m not asking us to return to being friends the way we used to be before everything changed, and I’m not sure that’s even possible. [yes. this is the more important thing i am asking. reconsider ghosting me.]

I’m just asking that you please try to understand where I’m coming from, and to realize I am not some hateful crazy monster sociopath abuser trying to hurt you, but just a decent human being who used to get along with you really well. [its ok to ghost an abuser, but i was not an abuser!!!!!!!!]

I was worried that you were so angry with me because you thought I had a “hidden agenda” from the moment we first met in 2012, that I was secretly conspiring to get with you from the very start. I swear this is not the case at all. If it was, I probably would have tried to push you and old long term guy to break up, or pushed you to cheat on him! In fact, I was hoping that you and old long term guy would fix your problems and live happily ever after! [because theres no communication in ghosting, thats WHAT IT IS is no communication. i was playing what if and wondering why. i thought this was why she was so mad at me. that i had betrayed our whole friendship, or i had a hidden agenda the moment from first meeting her. i wanted to dispel this misconception.]

Previously in my life, I’d always gotten feelings really quick, right away, and I even told you that, that afternoon  when we went to bla bla, and you confided in me about the troubles with you and old long term guy, and I talked about the woman I was getting over at the time. [we had a couple of good heart to heart talks in the past, which made me trust her and her trust me and which i felt solidified our connection and thought we could communicate, eventually, about the issues that ultimately happened between us.]

But with you, the onset of my feelings was very different. It was the first time in my whole life that this happened, and this surprised me a lot, because I never thought it could happen to me: what started out as feelings of friendship, turned into deeper feelings.  In fact, those initial feelings of friendship built a foundation of trust, and time, and understanding, which helped cause the deeper feelings which came later. You know how they say the strongest relationships started out as just friends, then grew into something deeper. That’s pretty much what happened to me. [god fooking damn beautiful truth. part of what makes this the most beautiful email ever written.]

I don’t think I could have kept my feelings bottled up forever. I was trying to send you signals pretty much as soon as the feelings started. I don’t think it’s any coincidence that that’s when the tension first started between us. You were sending me the pretty clear signals that you did not want to hang out and talk. However I was hoping against hope that we would eventually talk about everything: if not this week then next; if not this month then next, and that pattern continued for about 10 months, until my emotions boiled over in the worst possible way, and things blew up between us in the worst possible way. [yep. two super real and great paragraphs in a row.]

I think signals can get the broadest idea of a message across, but often in a painful way, and it’s much better to talk and discuss the signals fully, so as to minimize the pain and anger. [very very very true, me! WELL MEMED, MUH BOY! stuff like this is what makes this a More Good rather than More Bad Email. aka, a Net Win for me.]

I can deal with our friendship being over, but I have a very hard time dealing with it ending in the cold, abrupt, angry way it did. We are both decent, good, honest, kind people, and we should try to treat each other as such. I’m sorry I communicated so poorly, with such bad timing, and with such little empathy for your feelings and for where you were at in your life with your family and your relationships (you being heartbroken from new guy and still getting over him, and maybe old guy too. And you facing tragedy after tragedy with personal stuff). [yeah it WAS bad timing. but i couldnt hold back any longer. and it IS hard to deal with Bad Timing. but i dont think Bad Timing warrants Ghosting.]

I just feel really bad about you freezing me out completely though, without even writing an email, or having a long talk. [definition of ghosting hahaha] I know that’s just not the kind of person you really are, and I don’t want to remember you like that. I know you are a decent, kind person. I don’t want us to look back at this in years and think we should have handled that different, or to be angry and bitter. [very true]

I know I cannot change your feelings. I can’t make you like me the way I wanted, and I accept that fully. [well, not really fully. i was just trying to tell her that i, on an intellectual, rational, realistic level, understood what was happening. it will take me MONTHS, 600 DAYS, to Really FULLY ACCEPT it and Not Want Her Anymore.]  I just want you to understand where I was coming from, and that I am not a horrible person, and that I really wished we had communicated better about all this. It’s never too late to write me an email please. [begging for basic human dignity. but my heart was truly breaking! it is beautiful and heartbreaking! if this doesnt melt the hardest heart, nothing will.]  I told you you could tell me anything and that is still true.

I honestly have not felt this bad in many years, 2009 maybe, before we ever met. This is me at my worst, and you have never seen me like this before. It is not pretty. My sense of confidence is completely devastated. I am doing everything I can to turn things around though, and try to improve my own personal issues. It would really help if you could just give me some word, and please not be angry at me, and help me not be angry at you. I don’t want us to remember each other with anger. It’s ok if things didn’t work out the way we wanted, but let’s please treat each other with kindness and respect. We are both still decent people. [yeah pretty much. and she probably still is a decent person believe it or not, doing an insanely indecent thing out of FEAR. not even fear of ME because i am a weird stalker creeper insecure niceguy woman hater, but more like Fear Of Dealing with Conflict, Dealing with Relationships, Dealing With Issues Happening With Relationships.]

Feel free to show this to your [family member], they would have a valuable outside opinion. Or anyone you really trust. Outside meaning a third party who is simply not me or you! [i wanted her to get outside opinions to get her to listen to reason; point her towards reasonable people to show her how SHE was being unreasonable. uncharacteristically unreasonable! that hopefully another person could give her some perspective on. i had met the family member and felt that they would not encourage her to Ghost Me, or would nudge her to treat me a little better. this was and will always be a good idea. maybe its manipulative because i know the relative might be more sensible. but whats wrong about wanting a person to be SENSIBLE rather than NON SENSIBLE, especially when their non sensibility is hurting you, and you wish they werent hurting you so much. nothings wrong with that.]

Please never forget that you can always contact me at any time in the future, months or years even. my, cell phone num, home phone num, full mailing address given here.  Sometimes the word “karma” sounds silly, but I think both you and I understand what it means, we’ve talked about it, and we agree that it’s very important and real. This may be the end, but we don’t have to end it this badly. It is within our control to end it more smoothly, with good karma, with no anger or resentment. [yes yes very true] I’m sorry for communicating so badly, and for not truly understanding where you were at in your life. What can I do to make amends to you and have you forgive me? [meh] And please reconsider shutting me out so completely. [yes. really i think i deserve her amends, more than she deserves MY amends!] Right now I feel like you will always hate me, and that is making it so difficult to move on and get over things. That’s probably why I keep reaching out to you and writing these emails. If you’re still too angry to respond, know you can always respond at any time in the future, even a long time from now. [better late than never, it really never is too late to TRY to repair karma, although the sooner the better hahahaha]

[here is where it gets both beautiful, heartbreaking, and possibly “manipulative” in the sense that i very very emotionally appealed to the beauty and depth of our connection, because i really want to Get Back Together. but our Connection Was Once Real, and it really meant a lot to me, so i dug into those feels to heartbreaking and beautiful extent here.]

[ok im deleting these parts because they are TOO PERSONAL.]

[ok i have deleted probably the most beautiful parts of this email, which would make anyone with a heart weep, because ultimately these parts also reduce our anonymity and are not really Instructive per se. I gave very beautiful heartbreaking examples of how we were like “two peas in a pod” and understood each other so well, and had so much in common with our personalities and values, and were such a GOOD MATCH for each other hahahahaha. but the stuff was just too personal to be on the damn internet, even with Anonymity! this was the most SACRED parts of Our Entire Relationship, and putting them on the INTERNET might be bad karma. all this other stuff might sound personal, but to me, this part was the MOST personal. the holy of holies. plus its not INSTRUCTIVE or ILLUSTRATIVE like all the other stuff is.

it is BEAUTIFUL, and part of me posting this was to show Beauty, but this section, more than any other, feels like posting it would be violating some sort of sanctity, that the karma cost would outweigh the benefit of demonstrating Beauty. even if everything went to hell, those moments were still very special and i think deserve to be kept private.

the other stuff in here, though, i think tells a Useful story about Ghosting, Communication, Rejection, what is creepy and what is not, Endings of relationships, etc.]

[so i give a heartbreaking story of How Special Our Friendship Was, get super sentimental here. but our friendship WAS special to me, my heart WAS broken, IS broken, i felt VERY sentimental, i was crying, and i kinda wanted to make her cry too! dont throw something THIS special away like garbage! plus i wasn’t LYING about ANY of these things! these were actual real things which DID make our connection strong and special.]

I was very grateful to find that kind of friend in you. I will never hate you. I just want you to not hate me, and please understand I’m just a person who’s hurting. [please show respect to me in ending this.] Even if we cannot be friends anymore, please let’s try to close this chapter of our lives in as friendly, gentle, and respectful of a way as possible, so that we won’t have any lingering regrets, resentment, or hard feelings in the future. [yes.]

I will always be willing to talk to you at ANY time in the future. Please keep taking great care of  your family. I always admired that about you, that you always put family first, and have always been such a strong person. I hope to be as strong as you someday. [meh. she is very strong in certain ways and that is admirable, especially her family orientedness, but i REALLY wish she had shown some of that strength in communicating with me!]

Please respond to me someday, and let me know your thoughts about any of this.



yeah i might go back and remove this cuz i am still on the fence about publicly publishing it, might be doing her harm. well, i dont think its doing her harm, thats WHY i try to make her and me as anonymous as possible!!!!!! besides she did me harm and doesnt seem to care about it!

plus i want to give an example of Bad Ghosting, and prove to the world that i was not an abuser or a creep, and did not deserve this.

i just dont want HER to be real life linked to this ghosting. that would be bad karma. dont even try to figure out who she is. thats not my goal here. my goal is partly to stand up for the guys who were ghosted and then stupid jezebel journalists say they DESERVE to be ghosted because of their Creepy Emails.

there were parts of my email which were Creepy and Awkward and especially Supplicating and Niceguy, but there were LOT of parts that expressed a VERY Valid, Reasonable, Healthy, Rightful desire for being Treated like a human being, in the wake of a Sudden Termination of a Long Term RElationship of Sorts.

when one friend Gets Feelings, you dont GHOST them, you TALK about it, and end the friendship as cordially as you can.

but the email was way too LONG, which means i am a violent woman hater who can never be fixed, who is not worthy of Relationships, who will never have any relationship with a woman until I understand WOMEN ARE HUMAN BEINGS, so God is calling me to be a Foreveralone Celibate Religious Single and Raep Boys. COME ON.

i guess if she “unghosts” me by contacting me and Making Things Right, then I will remove this. but she’s probably already deleted the email, never read it.

shes arguably doing this only because she’s had it done to her, in a much worse way. but that doesnt make it RIGHT for HER to do it either!

i know shes not a bad person. but this is how good people do bad things.

but its frustrating. this type of behavior shows you are incapable of relationships, yet she had a much closer relationship with a guy for 5 years! that was Romantic and Consummated! and I know she didn’t GHOST HIM! in fact i think HE dumped HER!

well i think that hurt her alot and probably is a reason why she did this to me. again it doesnt make it RIGHT though, and doesnt hurt me any less.

i am moving the publish date to a solid 6 months after i sent the email. hopefully by that time i will be going through some motions of LIfe, even though 180 days is not 600 days yet ahahahaha.



aw sheet. welp. go to shrink today. still obsessed with the damn woman. last night i grabbed the rosary again and waved it around my head, saying “PLEASE LORD ERASE HER FROM MY MEMORY”. cuz this is just ridiculous.

try to get muh 8.4 miles in today. or is it 8.6. 2.8 times 3 is….8.4 ok.

so i was not blameless, but what she did was at least two times worse than what i did. therefore, Culpability is split 66 33. doesnt look good for her.

she is basically the one that screwed it up. sabotaged it. i BEGGED her to meet me halfway and please try to not necessarily fix this, but dont hurt me so much. she staunchly refused. because its easier to do nothing than to even try to mitigate some of that hurt. so thats how much she cares for me, just lets me drown!

its just sad and painful that Modern Women let men stick their dicks in them and the women have no feelings for the men. not on my watch! i mean i dont blame the men. this is men’s nature. the men are not going against their nature. but i think the women ARE going against THEIR nature!

this WHOLE situation is just unbelievably retarded. my life has been turned upside down.

ok so she didnt do a 180 because she was already 90% checked out, so she just did the remaining 10%. it wasnt 100% all at once.

well it didnt feel like that to me! I didnt KNOW she was THAT much checked out! i didnt think she was possibly more than 50% checked out!!!! so thats why it felt like a 180 to me!

also, 180 or 10 or whatever, REGARDLESS of how she felt about me, I thought she was a BETTER PERSON than that. I thought I KNEW HER better. I can Know Her regardless of whether i know How Much she’s Checked Out on Me. I thought I KNew her, i thought she was a decent person who would never treat ANYBODY like this.

well i dont think she would treat just anybody like this. just me. or just guys in unrequited luv with her.

i think that is prob most likely. this is just how she treats guys who like her but who she doesnt like.

which, suprisingly, doesnt happen TERRIBLY often with her, compared to Average Young Women, who have 9000000000 Beta/Omega Orbiters in luv with them at any given moment!

sometimes the women just dont do anythign and just LET the guys be in luv with them. I imagine those guys probably eventually snap too.

but yeah it is like i was stabbed in the heart!

weird. i can do a LITTLE bit more and some of my most Overt Symptoms are improving, but i am still as Heartbroken as Forever, my heart is still not at rock bottom yet!

sooooo fooking retarded and stupid and i cant believe any of this shit even happened. still sort of in shock.

i sort of DO hope this eats her up and makes her feel horribly guilty!!!!! she SHOULD!!!! this is a horrible thing to do to a person!

well she will express her guilt and shame by fooking all sorts of guys she has no feelings for hahahaha. why not me hahahaha. i would have enjoyed 2 seconds of cuddling. or making out would have been very special to me. now she will let swarthy scumbags Aggressively ram their cox down her throat as she slobbers all over their cox. fooking disgusting and horrifying.

are u foking kidding! of COURSE i want her to “come to her senses” and say im sorry lets talk about this. but that is not gonna happen. and me contacting her is not gonna MAKE it happen, in fact it will make me look even more like a creepy bad guy. no thank you.

even though SHE is more the bad guy than me (66 33), she can still convince everyone she knows that I was the bad guy, because shes the woman and im the man. and the INSTANT i make her “feel uncomfortable” then she can treat me HORRIBLY because at that point ive crossed the line.

honestly though i can think of several sensible people she talks to, about 3 or 4 of them, and i would think that if she told them the full honest story, theyd tell her, dont you think youre being a little harsh to him, you should at least talk to him. so i think shes either not saying anything to them (oh were fine, were still friends, nothing happened) or she is twisting the truth (“he made me feel uncomfortable, so he is the bad guy and deserves no mercy whatsoever”)

(“FAT SHAMING IS A THING” shut the fook up fat bitch hahahaha go powerwalkjog 8 miles a day.)

i made her feel uncomfortable but NOT UNSAFE. there is a big difference.

when you have Issues in your relationship, it SHOULD be uncomfortable.


thats why i wanted to talk about it. not to FIX it because it couldnt be fixed, but to be BE HONEST and RESPECTFUL and MATURE and have good KARMA and good COMMUNICATION and be RESPONSIBLE and DEAL WITH shit rather than AVOIDING and IGNORING shit.

come on.

maybe the mature acceptable thing is, when a friend gets feelings, youre just SUPPOSED to not talk to them ever again, and the idea of talking about the feelings, talking about the state of the relationship, is patently ridiculous, and no normal mature healthy adult would ever do this. maybe the right normal thing to do is to just ignore and avoid and not deal with it, but just throw it away like shit.

i cant believe that. because i am in so much pain and feel so slighted. i didnt want to “make her luv me.” i just wanted to TALK to her. and i am hurting a lot and she is hurting not nearly as much, and i think talking about it would have signif reduced my hurt, tho not eliminated it, but at least reduced it by 50%! and that would be great!

all she would have to do is talk abotu it. and by talk i mean responding to any of my 4 emails would have been respectable.

98 later

ok went the shrink.

what did we get out of it. shrink urged to accept that its over and try to move on. it will be painful and may take months and months and months. i said i know i shouldnt contact her and i probably wouldnt, but its still a daily struggle, and still i am tempted to.

shrink said she probably would not respond and i have to live with that, and probably should not contact.

i said well maybe i did deserve this because i made her feel uncomfortable, and men should never do that to women.

shrink said well communication is the key to a healthy relationship.

there was the issue of the woman kinda sorta implied that i was annoying her once back in like february. so i should have listened and stopped bugging her. and i think i did “behave” for a little while, for a few weeks.

but that was still just fooking avoidance. now i was the bad guy for wanting to communicate about an obvious problem.


when the woman expresses annoyance at your efforts to communicate…………..

………….but you actually still have not communicated about the issue yet.

what the fook.

so shrink encouraged to do some positive self affirmations, look at self in the mirror and say i am a good worthwhile person, i am getting better day by day, i deserve love and kindness, i am getting over this, it is painful but i will get over it someday, today i am gonna choose to make it a good day, when i think of her, i will choose not to obsess about it, and treat myself with gentle loving kindness. i did not deserve to be treated that way. its over and i will get over it and move on.

i said well maybe i DO DESERVE it because i was being NEEDY and CLINGY and made her UNCOMFORTABLE.

but in my heart of hearts, do i really think i DESERVED this? of course not!

i wasnt pushing her to Be In Luv with me, i was pushing her to talk about our god damn problems and she kept avoiding it!

shrink said, interesting, to notice what we had problems commuincating about, and i could learn a lesson from that.

i said i agree 100%, interesting you mention that, becuase even while things were still “GOOD” a year ago, and we communicated pretty good, there were Things We Never Mentioned. Both I and She were too scared to mention them directly: like her new boifran. she wasnt gonna bring it up, and i wasnt gonna bring it up. i was too scared to bring it up and she SURE AS HELL wasnt gonna bring it up.

i should have just asked directly about her new boifran.

and then said, “WOW, IM SURPRISED. I didnt think youd be dating somebody SO SOON. lets TALK ABOUT THAT.”

and that would have made us comfortable with communication about Her Romantic Life, and would have ABSOLUTELY opened the door to me talking about my feelings about her.

“how do you feel about me? could you ever date a guy like me? have you ever developed feelings for a friend? do you think we could ever go out someday? we get along real well and we trust each other and i wonder if we should try that. especially if this guys a jerk and cheats on you.”

we could have had discussions like that, early on, and shit would have never built up the way it did.

so, those topics you dance around can end up having a fookin ripple effect a year later.

like youre afraid to talk about her boifrans directly…………then you will also have trouble facing the elephant in the room when YOU have feelings for her and want to be her boifran!

lesson learned: dont be afraid to commuincate with your female frend directly and EARLY about her Secsy Relationshits. USE THAT to open the door to talk about You And Her. even if you dont have feelings for her YET.

say, “I dont have feelings for you………YET.”

just be fooking honest!!!!!!! no need to make up stories!!!!!!!!!

say, “i dont have feelings for you……….yet. but in the past i have developed feelings for my female friend after 2 years of planktonic frenship. also, sometimes i think its weird that i dont have feelings for you, BECAUSE: we get along really well; we commuincate well; we respect each other; we like each other; i am a tender sentimental cuddly guy who could theoretically provide the Affection you like; also you are not hard on the eyes! even if im not in luv withyou and dont jerk off thinking about you………..yet, i can appreciate you are a good looking woman. so yeah, given all this, 50% chance i could develop feelings for you within 3 months, and i think we should revisit this conversation regularly, and we should both think about that regularly. rather than you secretly dating scumbag shady sleazy guys who treat you bad. i would treat you a lot better.”

BAM. perfect conversation. say that as SOON as she Breaks Up with her Long Term Boifran. at the latest, as SOON as you even THINK she is dating someone new.

talk about the elephant. talk about her relationships. shit talk about YOUR relationships! talk about yours and hers relationship!

the pick up artists say dont “just be yourself”, becuase bitches dont like your beta pussy unmasculine self.

i say just be your damn self but dont let yourself be walked on and crapped on, be assertive, and be honest.

i remember one day at the job complaining to my male friend, who gave me way better moral AND technical support than my female former friend, and i said god damn this is crazy, this chaos and confusion, i hate not knowing what to say to these people becuase i dont really know whats going on, and having to come up with some bullshit story so it sounds like i know what im doing, but i dont, ive never seen this before……….

and he said, well why dont you just be honest and tell them the truth, tell them, “I DONT KNOW.”

I smiled at him and said thats why i like you so much bruh, because you keep it THAT real. i wish i COULD do that. i would like to be more like you and be able to say that with no shame. because why the fook should we know EVERYTHING. our leaders dont know a damn thing. nobody knows anything. ask 10 leaders, get 10 different answers. yet they refuse to talk to people, they make US talk to people and put us between a rock and a hard place. and i would be so happy to just cut out the bullshit and say, I DONT KNOW.

but i was TOO INSECURE to do that. my male friend was/is much more secure. but me and him connected instantly and he also didnt mind that i was hella insecure, WELL, i dont go telling it from the mountain either! IMMMM INSECUREEEEEE fook that i dont do that, i know better.

shrink also recommended listening to something positive like dr wayne dyer, who just died recently. oh i didnt know that, i said, thats too bad. i have appreciated most of his stuff ive seen.

cuz i listen to MRA right wing MGTOW antimarxist stuff, and pro-marxists like to accuse us of being HATEFUL HATERS spewing POISON, and SOME of the MGTOW types are borderline woman haters. but not all. i really only listen to two guys, millennial woes and bernard chapin. i might be identifying myself here.

so i thought, well “woesy” i dont think is hateful, and i dont think UNCLE BERN is hateful, but The Bern’s enemies say he is a hateful woman hater.

I do wish Uncle Bern would find himself a nice woman someday, because he would be a great Father I think, and I would like to see him have 3 kids.

anyway i dont know if he’s “given up” on women or not. he seems to be very happy without them. i have not reached that point yet. i will always desire a Loving Intimate Longterm Monogamous Relationship with a Woman. (I have to specify all those things hahahaah)

that is a pretty serious thing which i dont take lightly, so its not often i find a woman I WANT to have that kidn of serious rel with.


when some b dumps you for being too needy, tell her


really the point she is TRYING to make, but is too DIM to ARTICULATE it, is that she doesnt want you to Need Luv with HER. youve got to force them to Empathize by starting from a Narcissistic Start Point:

“Put yourself in my shoes, baby. Think of yourself. think of time when you NEEDED that big badboy brute, but he didnt need you back. how did that make you feeeeeeeeeel? well thats what youre doing to me. so if im too needy, YOURE TOO NEEDY TOO, YOU FOOKING CHILD. DONT BE FACILE.”

Real “Neediness” is more like “CODEPENDENCY” where you cant LIVE without the person and are texting them HUNDREDS of times a day, see them EVERY day, have to talk to them on the phone every day for 2 hours before bed.

jeez. i wish i could have talked to her for just ONE HOUR, ONCE. that would have been all i needed to tell her all i wanted to tell her.

ok i did not deserve this because

  1. i was not a random stranger
  2. i knew her for over 2 years
  3. we used to be friends and had a good strong history
  4. i was not abusing her
  5. i migth have been making her feel uncomfrotable but i was not making her feel UNSAFE
  6. i was feeling uncomfortable too, because there was a HUGE ELEPHANT in the room that she avoided talking about at EVERY opportunity and REFUSED to talk to me about whenever I tried to talk about it
  7. i wasnt ABUSING her, even emotional abuse
  8. i wasnt trying to make her Luv me, i just wanted to Talk About Our Relationship.

so yeah its very important that i convince myself i did not deserve this.

oh hey one of my favorite Active Metal Bands has a brand new album out, now that is a good day. better than some broad who treats you with no respect.

it doesnt matter if it was unintentional. she has had MORE than enough time to come to her senses and god damn apologize and try to improve karma. she has not. that might well mean it IS intentional, and she has doubled down and thinks she is right. so fookin stupid. she was smarter than that. she can do better than that. she is a decent person. so stupid that the first time in her life she does something really shitty……………………….guess who is on the receiving end of it.

she honestly thinks i ABUSED her?

the stupid thing is, she’s honestly had guys treat her worse! like cheat on her! and take their luv away from her! and she desperately tried to communicate with them! yet she never responded when i tried to communicate with her! but she wasnt in luvvvvvv with me, thats the difference. well fook that. i knew she wasnt in luvvvvvv with me but i thought she respected me as a god damn human being. fooking abandoned me.

well won a shit load of money at the poker table today. last week i had my biggest loss day ever, today i had muh biggest win day ever. all in with AA and sucked two others in, stack went from like 3.70 to 10. holy shit. earlier in the day i had muh stack go from 4 to 5.

max buyin is 4, i always start with 4. that is like 4 quarters. one dollar. 1 chip is 1 mBTC wich is .001 BTC which is about 23 cents.

7 quarters. 23 cents. 1.61 of real money i won today hahahaha.

yeah did 3 2.8 milers, got muh 8.4 miles in today. had to. its the best way i can get thru day by day.

what does she want to FIX these guys? she could have FIXED me! theres plenty about me that needs to be fixed, and a decent longterm monog rel would have fixed it too! she would have seen some results of her fixing! but nooooooooo.

so just tell bitches with a smug smirk that you need to be FIXED, and then they will let you impregnate them within 5 minutes.



oh yeah happy new year. well hopefully by this time i have a new shitty job hahahaha. maybe a young qt fok buddie gurl i can have no strings attached secs with and tell her baby i have no respect for you and how you have no respect for your uterus like dat. ackshully i dont care because i aint in luv with you, you do whatever u want lol. bang bang bagn bnag hahaha lol

but its stupid that SHE has much moar success with Relationships because she is a WOMAN. and that she can be so awful to me, yet work out so well with other guys that they can be in a Closed Rel for 4+ years.  bbbbbbut shes too immature to make a relationship work!

yeah with ME. but not with other guys. because she LUVS them, she doesnt LUV me.

the trick is i thought she might eventually WANT to talk because of our long standing friendship. and that like me she would want to “pay her respects” to THAT.

nope i guess not hahahaha well kerflushhhhh goes those 3 years hahahaha. just flush people away like pieces of shit. shat out, flushed away, and forgotten forever!

did a second 2.8 miler, plannign on doing another after dinner.

yeah thats what i have the biggest problem with. you dont have to like me back but its mind boggling that you would do this when we had such a long friendship. isnt THAT worth TALKING about at least?

plus any normal person would agree that such an intense Silent Treatment is Not Healthy, EVEN IF we didnt have a Love Relationship and she didnt WANT to talk.

doesnt matter. communication is necessary for ALL types of relationships. when one person really wants to communicate, SUCK IT UP and communicate with them because its the RIGHT thing to do, not fooking ignore them forever. when you have been friends for 2+ years. i am not some guy you met and let invade your babbymaker once and then threw away off TINDER hahahahaha.

disgusting whores lol.

woman haters like me make the false assumption that secs is more important to women, just because women can get pregnant. so if you find a gurl that Gives It Up…… you can probably get her to give it up to you AGAIN.

NOPE. she gives it up to you ONCE because she was drunk and didnt realize what a creepy weird loser you were. but by the second or third date she can. mayeb you had secs 1 or 2 more times. and then she is done with you, and you are not entitled to any communication!

these hateful male woman haters think they are ENTITLED to everything: sex, womens BODIES, communication, talking, etc.

but yeah that was my beef. i thought our History was More Important than how she just dumped and forgot it. i knew her longer than Any Other Woman I had ever gotten feelings for.

if i had gotten feelings for her right away, well i would have pushed THEN and some sort of shitstorm would have happened THEN.

yeah gotta Jog 8.4 miles a day just to Get Thru This apparently.

well its sort of working. i can listen to music and podcasts and i am not begging for mercy as desperately.

jogging 8.4 miles a day is a GOOD thing for the health though! too bad i have to Jog 50 Miles A Week in order to lose Half A Pound Per Week!

super slow metabolism hahahaha.

ok did the third 2.8 miler. oh well. got angering jealous thoughts of the woman sucking and fooking a bunch of other guys. that got me pretty angry. then sad that everything failed. then angry that those guys dont have to know her for 3 years hahahaha but more like 3 days hahaha. fookin whores.

i thought well should i pretend to play it cool, try to get back in touch with her in a few months, pretend like i just want to be Chill Friends again, then play that angle for a while, then try to suck her in?

that that gambit would be worth it if it worked?

of course i wouldnt WANT to be ONLY Chill Friends cuz i would still WANT her, such that i dont even think i would be CAPABLE of FAKING it.

so my gut instinct is not to do it, of COURSE dont do it.

i cant do that. does that make me weird? there are a lot of things that make me weird, but i dont know if thats one of them!

i simply wouldnt be able to pull it off. and it would be even more living a lie than not telling her my feelings when i did!

wouldnt mind having a female fook buddie however. like maybe that one young cute gurl at the old workplace who my female former friend hated for being a bitch. well it turned out fff was an ever bigger bitch!

wouldnt mind having a FT job that didnt kill me.

ok had a good 8.4 miles today, not bad.

i wouldnt mind going to the strip club if the strip club didnt look or feel like a strip club. this was my great business idea, open a strip club where cute gurls give “the gurlfran experience” in 30 minute sessions to lonely virgins who dont like strip clubz.

each 2.8 miler burns about 280 calories according to one calculator.

so walkjogging 1 mile burns 100 calories.

1 pound is 3500 calories.

therefore you need to walkjog 35 miles a week to lose 1 pound a week hahahahaha.

so if you see anyone who isnt overweight, know that they walkjog 35 miles a week every week. how do they do it hahaha.

so yeah i DID change, so it WAS my fault, i AM the bad guy. she was so cold to me because she sensed i had changed. but i HAD changed, and i WAS sending those signals, because i WANTED her to know.

well obviously i dont feel REMORSEFUL for getting feelings because i am Emotionally Mature enough to UNDERSTAND that you cant choose when or for who you get feelings, you just DO, often for the WORST people at the WORST times.

96 sunday

went to church, begged for mercy, was not really moved or Touched although maybe I didnt have my Heart Open to GOD in the right way. I tried. Or DID it? was I REALLY trying? probably not. I was just focused on the 18 year old gurl in front of me. I reflected on my Desire to Cuddle with Cute Young Girls.

In this case, I simply wanted to Cuddle with the Girl much more than anything else.

and of course female former friend. i wanted to cuddle with her like crazy.

really it is more about Loving, than To Be Loved.

like that St Francis Prayer, Lord I pray that I may Love, rather than be loved, understand rather be understood, console rather than be consoled.

the woman had no SENSE OF PROPORTION!

Or did she? I felt I had a sense of proportion because i reacted kinda intensely, but that reflected the Intense Emotions Inside.

So she treated me super harsh and wrong in proportion to MY emotions? is that the way it works?

but her emotions were like whatever.

but she treated me like i Abused her or cheated on her! like i did something really, really bad and hurtful to her!

i dunno. once again we can just use occamz and say she just didnt know what to do, so she did nothing. maybe she even feels bad about it but still its easier just to not do or say anything.

anyway she acted out of proportion to how much she had been hurt, or was feeling Emotional Hurt. I was hurting 90000000000000000000000000000 times more than she was, thats why i freaked the fook out and rekt muh own life. yet i was still asking to talk to her. well, desperately begging on my knees to please respond.

have u ever been in that situation?

the normalfag would say, quite Rightly, once you’re BEGGING somebody to RESPOND to you, that means things are SO one sided, they are no longer worth your time and effort. its over, and you should be glad for it, since nothing good can come of it.

also i think well if she can do this, do a 180, then whos to say that one day i will be happily married with kidz and everything seems hunky dory then one day i wake up and she is gone and taken the kidz and i never heard from her again.

well, this wasnt really a 180. it was way less than a 180. maybe even less than a 90. this could have been a damn 45 or less!!!!!!!!!

meaning, she WAS giving signs, warning signs, red flags.

meaning, she was being generally cold to me for MONTHS. THAT was my warning sign. that was her ramping down from 180. that was her taking her investments out, moving out gradually.

i thought it could still be saved. i thought she might have had SOME INTEREST in saving it. at that point it was honestly hard to tell.

a person can be cold and distant, yet still have some interest in Saving The Rel, right?

yeah i guess….but PROBABLY NOT.


so when anyone gets distant, that means, they want out of the Rel? probably, assuming they are staying consistently distant for a long period of time, which she kind of was.

well, she was also sprinkling mixed signals in there, WHICH confused me and made me think she WAS interested in One Day Communicating About Our Relationship Issues.

So yeah i BLAME HER for THAT hahahaha.

but women send MIXED SIGNALS all the time because they are confused or scared or just dont know what else to do. but you can get legit confused by that. i did.

they never think long term hahaha. its just what can i do to get out of this conversation right now hahaha.

women dont NEED to be Emotionally Mature to have long term relationships, husbands, families, children, because………. yes you know it…………because they are the choosers. they can choose whatever secsy man they want. does not mean they will choose a man who is a Good For A Longterm Rel, or that the Women Themselves are or will EVER BE Emotionally Mature enough.

not that the women NEED to be emotionally mature at all to be in a rel, if the MAN is willing to do all the work. and certainly many men ARE, and DO.

fook women hahahaha. women suck dick. figurative AND literally hahahaha.

stop sucking dicks, ya dirty whores hahaha.



posting day might be halloween, now all the young women can add another secs partner to their numbers. good job whores. way to profane everything sacred. sex, relationships, human life. if you want to destroy a culture, you destroy its women and make them into maneating monsters.

i cant even say she did this because she is showing her true colors as a horrible person. i fooking wish she WERE a horrible person, because it would allow me to make sense of this, and say, “reap what you sow.” but she will prob continue being a saint to everyone and i will be the One Solitary Skeleton in her closet. and i have no reason to Warn OTher Men about her, because she will probably make a Nice Wife to some Lucky Man.

that or this even will start off years of running and avoiding and lying and this will be the beginning of her downfall as she finally crosses the rubicon into a life of whorish dissolution!

we do have one mutual friend, who if they see her ever again, might ask about me, and then what would she say? probably “Oh he got all creepy and began acting really really weird to me and i didnt feel comfortable any more, so i just had to cut him out of my life. it was for my own good.” and then make me the total bad guy.

it sucks when just wanting to talk about a problem in your Relationship makes YOU the creepy weird psycho where the person is right to Ghost you!

You WANT Communication? you cant HANDLE Communication!

well see it was because i was pushing the wrong way, for the wrong type of communication. after several months, i should have stopped asking her to hang out, because i was the bad guy for not Respecting her wishes to hang out, and at THAT point, wrote a damn email or phone call.

in the old days, they would have done a phone call or a Postal Letter.

I just thought she thought more of me as a person than that! had more respect for me! she used to have respect for me!

yeah well respect is earned not given out. so as soon as i stopped earning it, she stopped giving it.

hahahahahaha secsless loveless relationships with women are such hard work, they are just not worth it hahaha.

i didnt realize i had stopped earning it! but i stopped earning it the moment i broadcasted that things had changed, the moment i began texting her a little bit more.

before The Change i would not text her a lot and she would often text me first.

after the change I began texting her a lot more regularly.

i figure my texting was the number one most obvious signal on my part. you dont start texting somebody this much more unless you Like Like them.

it wasnt 9000000000000 times a day, but it was a noticeable difference from what it was. i noticed it, she noticed it. more texting, more invitations to hang out. pretty noticeable signal.

so i guess after a few months of that i got more and more impatient and she began losing respect and that made it possible for her to flush me away like a piece of shit.

i thought she had more of a CONSCIENCE than that!

i VETTED her! she passed my tests! over years! i knew and trusted her! i expected so much more out of her! if she was a piece of shit like so many women i would have just not Gotten Involved with her at all! but she was DIFFERENT! Not All Women Are Like That! Some Are Different!

well found a nice 3.2 mile route i can walkjog, and found a nice little new park in there that i had never been to. 1.6 miles from my house in a neighborhood. it was small but had some nice trees and little trails and once you got in it was a lot bigger than it seemed.

damn. i just thought she would have treated me better given our history, which IMHO warranted at least a conversation of sorts, rather than a permanent cold shoulder. this is not the work of a trustworthy person. next thing you know she will graduate onto cheating.

50% of people graduate to cheating. i never did ahahaha. prob because i was never in a real rel ahahaha.

ask the average man whats the worst thing you ever did to a woman. he failed to do one thing perfect and was dumped coldly for doing one thing only 99% correct. failed to live 100% up to a womans ridiculous standards and was dumped/cheated on in favor of a socipathic cheater. well i guess a sociopathic cheater WOULD be a better MATCH for a WOMAN!

ask the average woman whats the worst thing she ever did to a man. she has secs with 900000 other guys including him, cucks him, makes him raise another mans child, cheats on him with his best friend, ruins his life, breaks his heart, reduces him to a broken shell. completely changes overnight and does a total 180 from a decent person into a horrible person. mind boggling evil that boggles your mind that a Human Being can be capable of such evil; makes you question if Women are indeed Human Beings. they do such awful things that make you never trust women again, make you very suspicious of any woman. even the good ones do very very very bad things.

im saying that women are worse to men, on average, than men are to women.

weird. i have have had shittier women End Things in a better way with me, than a Decent Woman.

why does it even matter if shes a decent woman or not, if she ended it in a shitty way, and i will never talk to her again? because she is gonna go be Decent with other people but not me?

definitely i get DABD all at once, but i am feeling notable anger now!

is it bargaining if you’re not bargaining WITH them?

well yeah because this is meant for people who died. like you bargain with GOD to bring your loved ones back to life.

also you cant get ANGRY at someone dying. although i know many people do.


i am super nervous about making a damn phone call about a damn medical bill question where i believe i was charged twice what i expected. and i dont know if it is a just some kind of error, or if they scammed me with confusing bait and switch shit and i signed up without fully understanding. oh its not a 50% discount for people with no insurance, its you just pay 50% now and then 50% a month later when we bill you.

because i worry they wont understand my question; and that i wont be able to articulate my question; and that i wont understand their explanation; adn that i wont be able to stand up for my rights; and that i am perfect for getting scammed; and that i will sound like an asshole; and that when we used to take phone calls noone knew what they were doing and would just bullshit all day; so therefore when you call ANYONE with a question, they dont know what theyre doing and are bullshitting you; and you cant talk to Smart Person because in OUR job we wouldnt LET you talk to a smart person; and us dumb people resented the smart people for not training us properly and making us look like idiots all day, struggling to do things we dont know how to do, giving the worst bullshit explanations or just saying i dont know and i cant find out for you because i dont understand the shit and this particular thing there is no explanation for, but One Does Not Simply Talk To Someone Who Actually Understands Things. Can I talk to a manager? Hhahahahahahahaha absolutely not. first of all you dont really mean manager because they just manage and dont know how to do shit. but the person you really need to talk to, the person who really understands stuff, or who at least can bullshit better, theres not enough of them. its like expecting to talk to the president. or ceo of a company. we are the gatekeepers to keep you AWAY from them.

i would probably appreciate it if they were more forthcoming about us being Gatekeepers, and gave us Direct Training on How To Be An Effective Gatekeeper. but you had to figure all that out on your own.

and talking to somebody who actually understands is the hardest thing in the world. because there is such a low supply of people who actually understand the issues and the people whose jobs it is, to Explain Things They Dont Really Understand, understandably say Fook This Shit, and quit! only to be replaced by other people who dont understand, and so on and so forth, so the only people who stick around are those who learn to Bullshit.

I was better at the job when i had more confidence. you need a lot of confidence to bullshit all day. and when shit went bad with the woman, who was there working with me, confidence fell to an all time low.

stupid to have confidence so dependent on women. women who can do a 180 overnight. go from being a long term friend, to being a total stranger you never knew. overnight. hahahaha.

no it wasnt really overnight, it was a process that occured over 10 months, it just felt like overnight because there was no real communication, so it was easy for me to Not See the gradual distancing.

i didnt think things were THAT BAD, and i thought we would eventually figure shit out. i dont see that as denial on my part, rather i was just flat out mistaken. i was reading the situation wrong. i wasnt reading it right, then denying it. i was just mistaken. SORELY mistaken. which was (mis)guided by my optimism, or, more accurately, the idea that a negative outcome would be unimaginable. and it was. it was the worst thing ever!

but secure normalfags dont get dumped and then their life falls apart. they manage to carry on.

well i am not a secure normalfag obviously!

also i would say that in at LEAST 50% of Severe Dumpings, the people do NOT work together. that was really the crux of the whole situation there.

or if they do, its like a restaurant where people only last 6 months tops, with some blatant whore waitress.

where here, people would linger 2 or 3 years in the entry level job, well, 50% of them, and the other 50% would quit or get fired within like 3 months!

also she was not a blatant crazy whore waitress, and i thought our relationship Meant Something because we had known each other for almost 3 years.

well it meant something to me, and it meant nothing to her.

well thats not even true. it USED to mean something to her, and maybe it still does, but she was too Something to talk about it. scared, angry, annoyed, immature, cowardly?

but it was all my fault because i didnt know how to communicate properly.

fook that! you think SHE knew how to communicate properly?!?!?!?! absolutely not! for that reason it is 60 40 fault at least. the 60 on her hahahaha. i clearly wanted to communicate and she didnt even WANT to communicate.


aug 8

played a card tournament online, a free tournament, and actually placed for the first time in my life, even better since i hate tournaments and have only played like 3 tournaments in my life, and placed 9th out of 80 players and won .00052 btc in prizes. this is like 14 cents hahahahahahaha. i still have not broken even in my gambling career. i won several great hands and shot up to the top. and it did not make me feel good at all, am still heartbroken and lazy.

feel like i will NEVER get over this gurl, and that i will do stupid stuff in the future to try to contact her again, because this is truly my Last Chance Ever. I am old, she is young, I will never get this close to a young attractive woman ever again. who used to be nice to me, who was not promiscuous, not a cheater, not high number, who was laid back and chill, who i used to get along with very well, very naturally, very easily.

why didnt i wake up to all this sooner. why didnt i try to make her break up with her boifran so i could date her immediately after they ended, instead of her immediately dating this other guy. it is ridiculous how much things changed in 1 year. 1 year ago she was very friendly to me; pretty sure she was dating this new guy but not talking about him; i didn’t have any official feelings towards her but i would soon think about “forcing” myself to have feelings for her. uh whatever i did worked wonders because by october i had official feelings. and that was the beginning of the end.

the job sucked so bad. the only good thing about it was that it was a job and the money was not bad. her being there is just one more bad thing.

but maybe if i go back we can reconcile and it will be a better time and we can start dating!

do you see how desperate and unlikely that is?

it was nice when we did get along, but i think it was still a net loss. the pain and suffering exceeded the happy times. the happy times were certainly real but there was just not enough of them unfortunately. they were nice though and i will remember them…..but i SHOULDNT because the bad outweighed the good.

almost reactivated facebook to see if she was still blocking me.  did not end up doing that thank god. i would bet she probably didnt anyway. but what if she did? me contacting her would open up a whole NEW can of worms. and i got enough worms right now.

i kinda feel like she betrayed me by treating me like a random weirdo. she didnt have to like me back but i wanted her to have more respect for the time we were friends. its as if that meant nothing to her. thats what i am bothered by. and she feels betrayed by me because……i developed feelings towards her and started acting weird to her.  oh well.

like in the past if i had gone crazy and quit my job she might reach out and ask whats wrong, whats going on. now she just thinks im crazy and she doesnt care, because me liking her offended her so much. well, really, she was probably just SCARED when she saw how MUCH I liked her. she said wow this guy is crazy about me and that is too much to take.

ok fine thats valid. i wouldnt really want someone going CRAZY over me either. it would frighten me too. however i didnt feel i could control it either. i felt like i was losing control over everything, including the ability to do my job. also i already hated the job a lot, and this extra thing was making me hate it a lot more. pushed it from being barely tolerable to being definitely intolerable.

i did try to force the feelings a little bit. and shortly after that, boom the feelings were there. but i dont feel its as a result of my forcing, but rather its own perfect storm that culminated at that time: me finding out about the secret boyfriend was probably the biggest influence. catalyst. impetus. cause. whatever. i expected her to take a long time to get over her longterm rel which had just ended, i was shocked to see her jump right into something. and she would mention it to other people but not to me. and then that ended kinda quick and she was the loser there, weird, i rarely see women on the losing end. i think she was on the losing end with the long term thing too. maybe that was all the losing that she needed to make sure she would never be the loser again. cuz boy am i the big loser between me and her hahahaha. i was just completely devastated. still am. will be for a while. hope i dont become a bitter old woman hater. i thought i already was. then i got feels for her. but i just feel like my time is running out and the idea of dating sites disgust me.

i have never used a dating site, women don’t NEED to use dating sites EVER, so any woman on a dating site is a damn attention wh0re who will always find some stupid reason to dump her man, and she is past the Wall and thinks she deserves an alpha male doctor hahahahaha. well you think the doctors are using the dating sites hahahaha hell no, the men are beta and lesser losers like me. over 30 men with crappy jobs at best who are looking for over 30 single moms for hopefully easy secs.

fook yeah i prefer younger women. it was already kind of amazing that i as an old man even became just friends with an attractive young woman. it was amazing that i did not have the feelings earlier. why didnt i have the feelings earlier? maybe because i had trained myself into not getting feelings too soon! never get feelings for a gurl before you have secs with her like 9000000 times! dont fall in luv with a gurl right away! well i succeeded there.

plus i was still getting over the previous woman; plus i truly did not want to interfere with her current rel, i wanted them to fix that. and i think it was him that wanted to get out of it more than her! hence her being the loser there!

which i guess makes the Rebound Relationship not too surprising at all.

that ended even worse so i am surprised she didnt get into another rebound. she said she wouldnt. but she might be dating 10 different guys right now. but i know she has got some issues and i really dont think she is dating anybody and she really is taking a break!

i dunno i surprised myself with this woman, and feelings changing over time. maybe i could develop feelings for an older woman, or a single mother, or an ugly woman. shit many men have before me!

all attractive women are evil. hahahaha.

well we established that she didnt INTEND to cause me any harm, so i am not allowed to HATE her.

really i CAN empathize. I just scared her, because my feelings were too strong. shit I scared MYSELF with the intensity. and when youre scared of somebody, you unfriend them and block them and do not respond to them.

well i never INTENDED to scare her either hahaha. it just happened anyway.

kinda like they dont INTEND to hurt you when they say i dont share your feelings, but you cant HELP but be hurt by it. in this case she cant HELP but be scared by the guy that was once her friend falling MADLY in love with her at the worst possible time!

so yeah blurting it out in a short text message a few months earlier would have been better. just send her one text “hey i have feelings for you” “i have a crush on you.” done. you can have talks or emails or conversations after that if the person wants to and responds to you.

so i would say do that after about 3 months, NOT ten months, if you still cant get the person to hang out with you within 3 months.

i would imagine in MOST cases, you probably COULD get them to hang out with you within 3 months, and you can have that conversation in person, which is the best way to do it, and so this made things a little more complicated in my case. but the solution was still simple: blurt it out if they dont want to hang out with you, and you, like me, are an autistic loser who fooking HATES Signals and would prefer actual words.

well autists cant interpret conversations OR signals!

i can SORT OF interpret signals, except when they are telling me what i dont want to hear. THEN I need the Words. otherwise i will willfully disbelieve the damn signals because i am so desperate for luv.

i dont see THAT changing in the future. the only way that could change is to get a good taste or dose of that luv, have a solid rel with a woman for like 2 years at least, get it out of my fooking system, cuz i have not yet.

anyway i didnt mean to scare her that much. i guess thats probably why she is not responding, because she is too scared. i guess that kinda seals my fate doesnt it. she might get unscared in a while but if eer contact her again she will get scared. plus it probably wouldnt be good for me and my health to contact her again.

this could be a strictly LOVE SHY thing hahahaha.

this is about the ONLY time when i would ever recommend watching pornography, that disgusting poison which destroys people. when you are desperate to erase someone from your memory, and attempt to get your body to respond to any other woman. when you are simply not allowed to love who you had been loving, and you have to somehow get over them, and are living in a world of pain. then fook yeah watch porno every day. who gives a shit. just try not to think of that person at all, that is a real risk. like imaging other men doing these horrible porno things to her and blasting loads all over her ass and face and loads oozing out of every gaping orifice. good god.