ON THE JOB TRAINING IS NOT TRAINING AT ALL

aug 27

sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit.

i mean i study the companies before doing the interviews. i write thank you emails. i dress nice. i shave my face. i act very interested in the job. i ask questions at the end. what the hell am i doing wrong hahahaha. my fatal flaw is that i get a little nervous. and that i have such a long GAP. something must be DEEPLY WRONG with me. he needs SERIOUS HELP. he SHOULDNT BE working. or, he thinks hes gonna work HERE? HA! he needs to PAY HIS DUES first! get a job at walmart or mcdonalds or a shitty restaurant or call center, show that youre WILLING TO WORK first, before you can get an AWESOME job like this!

this is for that phone interview on monday. looks like the company is more reputable than i thought. winning all these best places to work awards, having many skilled and respected engineers, a destination kind of employer, that only wants the best of the best. which i am not. but i was when i was 17-18!

also my problem is that i cant just suck it up and live through a shitty job. it breaks me down into a Dumpster Fire and then I end up Committing Career Suicide and moving DOWN the career ladder ultimately. i dont really pay dues but get actively punished.

then i see all the people with engin degrees working for this palce, making 60k, thinking DAMN, I went to a TOP SKOOL, I went to a better skool than THEY did, why didnt I just get a damn ENGIN degree, then I could be making 60k too, I could have a wife and a FAMILY, and a good job, instead of being a huge neet loser who cant deal with LIFE.

and get angry and discouraged and slow down on muh job search hahaha.

yeah well today i am studying the company so i sound informed on muh 15 minute phone interview monday. see if its enough to overcompensate and get me a physical interview. prob not hahahaha.

then tomorrow i will study the company for tuesday int. much more of a blue collar place. but they are big and they have been around a while. not some fly by night arab company hahahaha. or shitty crab people asian company.

shit i had way more confidence in 2013 when i was working my mickey mouse job and was becoming close friends with That Woman.

see im desperate but i also cant take just any job because if i take a super shitty call center or customer service job, i am very worried about muh emotional health, and would i snap and quit. i dont want to put myself into a position like that so i avoid applying for those kinda jobs. high stress jobs hahahaha.

thinking about partying tonight with a valium nyquil combo. it is saturday nigth after all.

so, have a better feeling about the tuesday interview than the monday interview as a job i could actually GET. but i feel the monday place would be more fun and chill and better workplace than the tuesday place. well of COURSE its HARD to get into a GOOD workplace! the easier the job is to get, the WORSE the job is gonna be, the more it is gonna push you to your Limit.  and not in the good way hahahaha.

aug 28

took the valium nyquil combo around 645 pm, did 4.2 mile powerwalk, went to bed, slept pretty good. the combo i guess chilled me out a little bit and made me sleep good. would still prefer partaking MJ hahahaha.

it shuts your mind down, you cant think negative thoughts because it takes too much effort to think at all hahahaha. in other words it might be difficult to WORK, where you are trying to solve problems and bullshit on your feet all day. explaining and bullshitting and coming up with plans and reasons and explanations and answers and solutions.

sheeeeeeeit. it might be That Womans birthday very very soon. thankfully it doesnt bother me as much as youd think it would. one of my goals was to spend a womans birthday with her and have birthday cuddling with them, or having them spend my birthday with me and have birthday cuddling. or secs. or handholding. or making out. or hanging out.

never happened though hahahahahahaha. 2 years ago i went to dinner with my female friend and it was near her birthday and i was right on the CUSP of starting to feel differently about her. but not quite sure i was there yet. but i was getting very close.

in fact i wasnt even sure what her exact birthday was. it takes a while before someones birthday is a big deal for you.  you gotta know them at least a year.

and the next year of course i would ahve really liked to spend her bday with her but by that time we were DONE.

and now we’ve been DONE for a full YEAR after that.

i heard this song when this album came out in 1998, 18 years ago hahahaha and i was a stupid angsty high schooler listening to the weekly radio metal show. i thought the song was very catchy and epic and it was the first time i enjoyed anything like power metal.

i never listened to the whole album. i will now give it a chance hehehehe.

hmm very sleepy and tired today, the day after the nyquil. i guess thats not suprising.

cheap “skullcandy” earbuds lasted only 2 weeks. what cheap chinese crap. one ear went out then the other ear went out very quickly. one ear is bad enough and time to buy a new pair of cheap chinese throwaway garbage.

537 that is my new goal hahahaha. 537 job applications hahahaha. i get 1 interview for roughly every 21.4 applications hehehehe. and so if i want 25 interviews, then 537.

i am “only” at 386 so far.

i have been slowing down lately, getting a bit discouraged.

maybe i should contact her on her birthday hahahahahahaha. no i am just joking.

 

did SHE ever contact ME on MY birthday? HELL NO! she didnt even KNOW when my birthday was! although i kinda make it hard. you have to ask me and then mark it down on your calendar. which nobody does because they just use facebook to remember birthdays hahahaha.

but yeah at one time she was a real friend and i havent found any new friends to fill that friend gap. and i liked having that kind of person playing that kind of role in my life. i mean shit it was a two way street too, i was playing the same role in her life too.

ok  went to shitstore and bought some shitty 10 dollar sony earbuds that i HOPE will last 1 month.

listen to some of the hammerfall album, see if its any good. need more positive shit hahahaha.

was listening to george feels and he had a very sad pathetic feelsy video and i was like yep i shouldnt listen to this, this is not gonna help me. something basically how he had done nothing with the past 3 years of his life, his biggest accomplishment was not jerking off for 100 days hahahaha. in 3 fookin years. so he felt bad about that and then i felt bad too about not accomplishing anything with my life either hahaha.

well i did accomplish a bit in the past 3 years: moved from old job to new job, became close friends with that woman, pushed myself to the limit with new job, did some super amazing shit that i lose sight of now, and cant convince employers that once i was valuable hahahaha, went on road trip with old friend, fell in luv with female friend, saw 3 classic concerts, discovered trs, and then shit started going bad, rel with woman fell apart, lost job, got dumped, was in a state of deep despair for months, started a gym membership for the first time in life, lost 30 pounds, applied to 386 jobs and went on 18 interviews, got 2 new good suits. so yeah id say i accomplished more than george hahahahaha in the past 3 years. there was some epically BAD shit, as well as some pretty good shit too, but the bad shit has been what i remembered most and what i am lingering in now.

anyway POINT IS, there was plenty of good shit or not bad shit, or at least forward moment or personal improvement.

but all the good shit happened in the first half, and all the bad shit happened in the second half, so the bad shit is all i remember.

well, losing the 30 pounds is a big deal and i am doing that right now.

so is buying the suit, and doing the interviews.

but the interviews also suck because they dont lead to anything.

inherently, the interviews are a good thing and i should view them as such, rather than DISQUALIFYING THE POSITIVE. and saying yeah interviews a normally all right, but THESE interviews arent so good because they dont RESULT in anything.

yes in our results oriented world its difficult saying something that doesnt have any results is a good thing.

but each abortion failure of an interview hahahaha is getting me closer to my goal of 25.

and the interviews arent really abortion failures. i look all right, i sound smart, although a little nervous, i show that ive done my homework on the company, i write thank you notes, i am one of 4 finalists for a 45k job, i mean come on these are all good things.

but the overall general shame of being an unemployable neet bum is SUCH MAGNITUDE hehehehe that it casts a shadow on all the other shit.

anyway, point is, there is a DECENT AMOUNT of good stuff ive done the past 3 years…..its just overshadowed by the bad shit because the bad shit was more recent, and honestly it was ABSOLUTELY DEVASTATING. it was probably greater magnitude than the positive stuff was positive. but there WAS still somewhat DECENT magnitude of positiveness on the positive stuff.

PLUS, we always interpret bad things worse than we interpret good things as good. in other words, really good shit WEARS OFF QUICKLY, while bad shit lingers. so we need like 5 good things to lift us up for every 1 bad thing. defeat feels much worse than victory feels good. FACT.

anyway point is george has his more positive videos and his more negative videos, and i should stay away from the neg ones. and so should he. being that we are very much alike and struggle with the same problems.

and just like him i need to focus on the positive and essentially IGNORE the negative. because its focusing on the negative and IGNORING THE POSITIVE that has gotten us in this horrible mindset. low energy, very low confidence, lazy, neet, in a rut, spinning the wheels, not trying, giving up easily, defeatist, etc.

i listened to a bit of the hammerfall and it made me want to listen to judas priest “painkiller” so i did. i guess they have similar sounding productions and the drum bit at the beginning of the album is a direct tribute to painkiller possibly. but the hammerfall is definitely a bit more “power metal” and the singer doesnt really sound like halford. which is FINE. halford is awesome, but i wanted something a bit more power metally anyway. like ridiculous, somewhat epic songs and songs about warriors and courage and all that. whereas judas priest is arguably not very power metally while at the same time influencing every power metal band….they never fully went that way themselves, because they were sorta reinventing themselves on every album.

probably iron maiden is the more power metally band.

 

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ITS RIDICULOUSLY STUPID, BUT IT IS WHAT IT IS, EITHER DEAL WITH IT, OR BE FOREVERALONE.

aug 17

was watching new season of married at first sight, jeez. i dont generally like the first 5 episodes or so, thru the honeymoon. i prefer them at home when shit gets real. anyway i am most interested in the “blond” white woman (hard to call them “women” because they are not ADULTS, this is why we call them “GIRLS”, because they act like immature little children, 13 years old) and her hubby. 32 year old flight attendant and 35 year old whatever. account manager. he is handsome and charming and masculine but she doesnt like him because he smokes cigs “OCCASIONALLY” and sometimes gambles. she is butthurt on the HONEYMOON because he smoked cigs every day and she thought “this is what occasionally means? erry day?” and she got all distant and bitchy and stubborn. he felt that immediately. he spoke his mind very fully and perhaps “abrasively”, which meant she got more stubborn. but he had very good points, and she had none.

i felt she was not giving him a CHANCE.

both other couples were generally much “better”, but there were still some patterns: the man would be trying to communicate, and the woman would take something he said THE ENTIRELY WRONG WAY, GET TOTALLY BUTTHURT ABOUT IT, and then the man had to give her space while she continued to Brood and not really think any constructive thoughts about it, then grovel for an apology when he didnt really do anything wrong, and the women were looking for any possible reason to get mad at these nice men, and the man would say “I want to make this work, lets FIX this, I’m not going to walk away from this” while the woman would be like “idk. idk. idk if i can do this. i cant even. this isnt gonna work out. were too incompatible.”

basically being CHILDREN that have no interest in communicating, no interest in fixing conflicts, always overreacting, and never giving the man a damn CHANCE.

the MEN are good at communicating and handling conflict…..the women are TERRIBLE. and this is why the women are single at age 33, 34. because THEY fook up every relship theyve ever had by being huge overreacting bitches who have no desire to put in any effort. run away when the going gets tough, which they create by overreacting to some harmless little thing. then blame the guy and make him the bad guy. HE started it.

the show brings out muh woman hating tendencies hahaha.

ironically the ones who got along best were the ones who had secs within 2 days of meeting each other. that definitely created some sort of chemicals that made them want to be nice to each other. and even THEN she was STILL looking to pick a fight with him about some small remark he made, and she thought he was attacking HER. but then they had makeup secs and everything was ok…..for a while.

these women are a goddamn minesweeper minefield, ONE misstep and youre DONE. they are CHILDREN who LOOK for arguments, and then have NO ability to deal with those conflicts. and say the man said ok, ill change and do whatever you want, youre right, im wrong, she’d dump him then too for being a doormat.

obviously the solution is to put the woman in her place and just not take the bullshit at ALL.

anyone watching the show, even women, i dont see how they could say these men are at fault, or these women arent being RIDICULOUS.

even the masculine man doesnt know the proper way to put the woman in her place. cuz HE gets upset and frustrated…..which I can TOTALLY understand! he wants to fix a problem, and she is being stubborn and stupid! it IS frustrating! and women would say stupid shit like” GOD! why do you always want to FIX everything!” as if you shouldnt even TRY to improve problems in your rel, and the only right thing to do is run away and avoid and shut down.

i guess he should have just smiled and patted her on the head and said “thats nice, sweetie”, then fooked her HARD about 88 times in a row. then smoked cigarets right in bed after the secs hahahaha. just take TOTAL CONTROL of the situation with a Confident Smile on his face.

and this guy is generally pretty masculine, the most masculine guy on the show. way more masculine than me!

so i have to wonder, are all women really like this? is this one of those things where i have to say “yeah its STUPID, but thats just the way it is, so learn how to DEAL WITH IT, or stay a woman hating foreveralone virgin forever” ?

ITS STUPID, BUT IT IS WHAT IT IS, EITHER DEAL WITH IT, OR BE FOREVERALONE.

INCREDIBLY, ridiculously, EXTREMELY stupid. and yeah that IS frustrating, makes you lose your cool.

i can keep my cool with moderate levels of stupidity, but women are so EXTREME with it. i mean they can really push the buttons.

and then i think, well this woman has a MASTERS DEGREE, doesnt she need conflict resolution skills and communication skills for her masters level career as a social worker? instead she communicates like a damn 12 year old girl. thats what rustles me. how can you maintain a PROFESSIONAL CAREER with abysmal communication and people skills like these?

yeah i know social work is a joke, but you still have to have a masters degree and talk to people in tough situations! i mean in an ideal world, it WOULDNT be a joke. it sounds stressful as fook and i dont know how these STUPID DITZES HANDLE it!

they probably just parrot chipper cutesy HR speak to their clients. dont actually listen to them. a woman actually LISTENING to somebody? HELPING them SOLVE PROBLEMS? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! thats a good joke.

like she was never in LUV with some badboi who SMOKED. she would have begged him to stay and would have ate ashtrays of cig butts for him to stay. thats probably why shes so triggered by this guy now. you want to get MARRIED? you havent gotten over the OTHER guy!!!!! take a YEAR or TWO off from dating, relships, and yes FOOKING, and do some SERIOUS thinking and reflecting, so you can get over your past! like im doing! and yes it is hard and long struggle!

so yeah i am an INTERVIEW MACHINE. 2 interviews this week. 2 interviews NEXT week, in fact, on the very same DAY. that is a first. i have honestly never done that before. I guess I have not really paid my dues unless I have had two (OR MOAR!!!!!!!!!) interviews on the same day.

this guy i know who is very ambitious and powerful in his career had a THREE HOUR interview the other day. he took a half day at his Mid Level Career to do a three hour interview with an even higher level career. the type of guy that is looking for Corporate Sponsorship to do an MBA at a Top School, and to get into Global Stuff for Top World Companies. yes of course he’s younger than me and went to a less prestigious school than me hahahahahahaha. he just has a strong attitude and work ethic and is not a despairing virgin neet, but a strong healthy well adjusted White Man!

meanwhile my goal is just to get a 14 dah job at a place that doesnt drive me COMPLETELY MENTAL. i dont have those kind of long term goals! like i want to do this and that and that and this. no. i just want to SURVIVE in an entry level job that i dont ragequit, stay in it forever, and hopefully get promoted for muh good work, which i prob wont, because noone promotes anymore, you have to move to a diff company.

its like women will blame you for everything, make you the bad guy every time, so you have to be really good at saying NO YOURE WRONG, YOURE OVERREACTING, youre a BABY who cant communicate or listen or compromise or deal with things like an adult.

i admit that women are challenging and you have to learn how to deal with them, thats just the way it is, dont hate the player, hate the game hahaha.

but HOW MUCH IS TOO MUCH? HOW RETARDED CAN YOU BE?

and just seeing these ridiculuos women on TV for a reality show, i mean this is all spun by joos, this cant be REAL!!! and then seeing some of the same shit i saw in reality!!!! and said to my self geez i hope not all women are really like that!

like women are ALWAYS gonna blame you and get mad at you and if you really take their bullshit seriously, youll think you are the most terrible person ever! when you are not.

these “women” (“girls” really, this is why we call them girls, you dont get to be called a woman unless you are mature, like actually literally mature hahaha, and these 33 year old women act like foot stamping tantrum throwing 13 year old girls that were never put in line by their fathers.)

how do THEY make 40k, 50k a year? by bullshitting people, parroting bullshit, and never actually getting anything done. a woman solving a problem? let alone a complicated confusing problem? NO WAY.

heh women are like ingras and joos and babies all rolled up into one. god damn i h8 women hahahaha. i wish we didnt need them to reproduce. i wish we didnt get feelings for them. men are just much better PEOPLE.

but yeah. how can they WORK and be more SUCCESSFUL and make more MONEY than ME? they cant handle SHIT, let alone the Complicated Difficult Communication Conflict shit and People Problems in the work day.

their solution is to blame the other person and avoid them, those bad horrible people.

and this WORKS for them! they never have to change their shitty ways! they never have to grow up and learn to be adults!

i am very immature but i am way more mature than THIS!!!!!

its like the guy derek said, ok i left you alone to cool off but its clear you havent thought about this at all, because you’re giving me the SAME bullshit, can only repeat the same thing like a broken record, you are not willing to compromise or offer any solutions, you are just butthurt at me because i smoke 1 cigarette a day. COME ON. you gotta be a little flexible here, and not GIVE UP on me just because I smoke 1 cigarette a day. or 2. who CARES.

and if he said oh baby i will quit smoking for you, she would just disrespect him for being a doormat.

it was WEIRD because he was a handsome, charming man, I was surprised to see her being so bitchy to him, and he def was too. the gurl is a fookin basket case drama queen and no man is good enough for her, except for some long gone badboi from 10,12 years ago she never got over. enjoy your cats and growing old alone and childless and husbandless. and you dont even have a powerful career. damn. more likely shell just get knocked up by some arab or ingra who’s not afraid to use his pimp hand.  but she looks ok for 33 year old, very nice body.

but a sensible man who is not lonely or desperate will RUN NOT WALK when he QUICKLY sees how RDICULOUS she is! i am thinking handsome charming derek is tired of banging sluts and is getting desperate for a long term wife. well he got matched with a real dumpster fire here.

this “team of experts” are nothing more than conniving j’s looking to create drama.

but yeah i cant turn away from this stupid show.

because a big part of it is showing how Couples Handle Conflict. and so often they DONT, because the WOMAN is so immature, and overreacts and blames the man, the man wants to work on things, and the woman doesnt, is so stubborn, and never gives the man a fair chance.

http://nypost.com/2016/08/16/theres-trouble-in-paradise-on-married-at-first-sight/

no comments. even when nypost poses the huge question, is heather justified in being so upset over dereks smoking? NO OF COURSE NOT!!!!!!!

nick and sonia. i kinda like them. well, i like him. he is a lot like me, only way more handsome and successful. she is ok half the time and stupid the other half. she seems like she would be a good match for him…..but he’s moving too slow even for her! i guess shes not as much of a nice gurl as we thought. how many guys has she fooked after 1 date. and here she says she wants to do things differently and go slow. yet before the honeymoon is over, she’s butthurt at him for moving too slow! and they’ve known each other for like 5 days.

she wants to move slow, and 5 lousy days is still too slow for this slut hahahahaha.

and i probably like to move even slower than poor nicky boy. i mean i like to move WAYYYYY SLOOOWWWWW. I tried to point this out to women, and they were still surprised at how slow i moved, and still dumped me because of it. somewhat. that and they didnt want a real rel. just casual hangouts and casual secs.

http://www.intouchweekly.com/posts/heather-seidel-derek-schwartz-married-at-first-sight-drug-scandal-109728

this one suggests HES NOT SMOKING CIGARETTES, HES SMOKIN THE WACKY TABBACKY!!!!

and she thought that was the end of the world, and they end up getting divorced before the 6 weeks are up.

she got a dui in 2011. derek tries to show her how ridiculous she is by saying “thats like me saying you are an ‘alcoholic’ ” and that was a bad move, because even though we men understand what he’s getting at, women are gonna get bitchy and think he’s being immature by saying she’s literally an alcoholic, which is not what he’s saying. she’s not smart enough to understand his point, like this is how ridiculous you’re being.

but yeah the show is being dishonest joos by not telling us that he’s smokin MJ.

but it is honestly a stupid move for him to bring MJ in a plane to their honeymoon. or did he buy it there?

heh its funny how articles on vice have like 2 actual comments and 3 or 4 spam commenters. here is a big well known publication but no ones actually reading their shitty articles.

i was reading a review of the new forteresse album on vice noisey, they have this metalgrrrl kim kelly who IIRC, actually has decent taste in metal hahahaha.

this album which came out last month. her review was not very edifying but others have been saying this is a great album, totally great example of quebec black metal, they are quebec nationalists/separatists, there is some antiwhite vice phaggot in the comment saying they cant be separatists, white devils like them STOLE the land from the natives in the FIRST place, etc.

anyway i feel the LORD is guiding me to this album at this moment, on this day. the LORD guides me to weird albums and sometimes I just listen to them less than once and say NOPE this is not what I was hoping for. like that lyrinx album i listened to recently. totally underwhelming.

anyway i am making actual progress by having tons of interviews, 2 interviews in 1 day, getting less nervous during interviews, just racking them up like experience points, and one day i have to inevitably Level Up (get offer.)

seeing that super successful acquaintance of mine, i couldnt help but COMPARE myself to him and say god damn, im so far BEHIND him, he’s 4 years younger than me, i could have been just as successful as him if i hadn’t made those mistakes, now i can never get on this track, i dont have the drive and disclipline he does, he deserves a good woman, i dont, he is so much better than me, im jelly of him, hes such a winner and im such a loser, etc.

when in fact i HAVE been making SOME progress lately and I REALLY dont want to compare myself like that.

hes a good guy though, its just really disappointing hes a SWPL oven middle class progressive leftist bla bla. fookin atlantic reading, new york times reading, npr listening, bernie loving, you name it. yet he has a high-paying Corporate Career. But he is somewhat in the Creative end of that, rather than Financial or Engineering.

wow this forteresse sounds pretty good actually. but i am just listening to it on One Earbud while trying to do Job Applications hahahaha.

this time i got the earbuds that are kinda like earplugs, with the rubber tips that go deeper into your ears. kinda like them. ok 3 applications today. i can do better than that hahahah. gotta pay the dues. put in the reps hahaha.

are quebecois separatists also likely to be pro white?  how much is damn canada oppressing the quebec people hahahaha. well i dunno. maybe its like texas people wanting to secede. i can understand that. when your country has turned into ZOG that wants you and your family dead hahahaha. does forteresse know about ZOG hahahahaha.

or are they huge pussies that say HURRR DURRR WERE NOT EBIL RACISS, we luv mudslims and blacks and joos hahahaha.

their first album, the drums kinda sound like a drum machine. i do not really like that although the guitar sounds good. on the new album they def have a real drummer.

FOOK drum machines. just hire a god damn session drum, pay him some MJ and alcohol, or play the drums yourself. period. mikko aspa can do it, alex meilenwald can do it. IMHO better to have amateurish sounding drums than a damn MACHINE. did the classic BURZUM albums have a drum machine? HELL NO!!!!!

so the forteresse drummer is fiel and is in a ton of other bands including his own solo project.

just let the drummer know he is not a real part of the band and you will pay him to play the way you want him to play, ie, in service of the damn SONG, not like some flashy show stealer who is louder and flashier than everybody else. let him do that in his own band. thats why they call them session musicians hahahaha. they are your EMPLOYEE, but in a very friendly and laid back way. just play the way i tell you to play and i’ll give you MJ and booze and food and maybe some cash. and maybe your band and my band can play shows sometime. and by the way can you be a live drummer for my band too hahahaha. ill pay you for that too.

3.8 mile powerwalk, then shower, made some cigarets, in 10 minutes go to social event, maybe see 1 qt gurl worth beating the meat to hahahaha

1 think 500 will be a more accurate goal than 400 in terms of needing 500 applications to get a job. like 1 out of 23 applications gets an interview, and 1 out of 23 interviews get a job.

and i am only at 14 interviews so far. yeah it is good to get experience in interviewing itself. you DO get better. but yes it IS ridiculous that you need to do 23 interviews to get a job! they never had to do that in 1990! even my successful acquaintance didnt have to do that to get his first job after college! in fact he got that job with relatively little effort and described it as pretty easy and quick.

aug 18

rejected for office assistant II position about 7 weeks after applying, no interview of course, but the rejection letter was sent by an INTERN hahahaha. ie a 20 year old university slut. an intern in the city human resources dept. well to her credit the letter was written decently, and she is prob only making 10 bucks an hour. but yeah it sucks not even being called for an interview for a 28k job hahahaha.

woohoo, it is ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY of me sending The Final Email to That Woman.

well, yesterday technically. aug 17 2015 i sent the final email. yesterday was aug 17 2016 hahahaha.

somehow the calendar says 367 days today, but i think because 2016 was a leap year and had extra day in feb haha.

401 days since i last talked to her on july 14 2016. i like 400 days as a more round number than 365 days hehehe.

but yeah it doesnt SEEM like that long. i am getting OVER her, but it seems like i just saw her and talked to her a few MONTHS ago. the time really flew by i guess hahahaha. but not in a great way. still fookloads of pain. but the worst has passed.

over 9 months since i have looked at jooish porn filth. not bad uh!

well, technically i saw a few images a couple times, but i turned it off fairly quickly. one time was for research purposes, to determine whether the girl in this one vidya was evalion. (dont think it was.) another time, i stumbled onto some slut on tumblr. i think because she looked sorta like That Woman. i was actually trying to prove it wasnt LITERALLY that woman!  i thought it might actually BE her! not that that woman was at all the type to slut it up on tumblr, or in real life. she was very discreet about her slut life hahahahaha.

41 days since level 1 haircut and i am thinking about getting another hahahaha.

heh. the fact is, going into interviews is not nearly as stressful as every single god damn day on the actual job. under pressure to produce and fix things as fast as possible and you have no idea what is going on, while trying to bullshit to everyone around you that you DO know what you are doing. and your head is spinning and confused ALL DAY. at work, and when you come home. you NEED drugs to numb or stop your mind. you wake up in the middle of the night mind spinning and racing and confused. this sense of confusion all day every day really wears you down, and then trying to be ON and put up a False Front at Work. you become mentally and emotionally weak and confused. your wife loses all respect for you because you are acting like a scared baby animal. she leaves you and says fook you you weak little phaggot, you dont deserve a woman as good as me. i’ll go find a real man like tyrone biggums hahahaha. who isnt INSECURE and doesnt have all these ISSUES and isnt so CRAY CRAY. you say baby im just really stressed out about muh job, and she says so is everybody else. DEAL WITH IT or i will find a man who can.

and you think DAMN i must have been a HORRIBLE person to deserve this punishment. i bet JAIL would be better. at least there they are more honest and straightforward about raping you in the ass.

its not just dislike, but fear and terror and dread and anxiety. disliking is nothing. that sense of dread and fear is really what kills you. like a cornered baby animal without its family. lambs to the slaughter.

i can deal with simple dislike. that’s no problem at all compared to that fear and anxiety and dread and panic. again, like the end of mulholland drive, where she is sitting there, knowing something horrible is gonna happen soon, but not sure exactly what or when, then something unexpected and weird happens, she flips the fook out, cant stop screaming hysterically, and the automatic reflexive response is to frantically scramble to the nearest gun and K yourself!!!!!!

that kind of shit is what i REALLY dont like hahahaha. not just oh muh job sucks damn lmao.

its kinda like Chronic Panic. and then you cant think right at all.

and i fear EVERY real bigboy 28k job is gonna be like that. or at least every job for an actual COMPANY. like real companies that are struggling to either not go broke, or to GROW, and they PUSH everybody to their fookin limits of sanity hahahaha. and the managers have no idea whats going on, just that they need to PUSH everybody HARDER. MORE. BETTER. FASTER. BETTER. GROWTH. SCALE.

and when you get home, you dont just want MJ, you want a potent cocktail of MJ, booze, benzos, and opiates to just OBLITERATE yourself into a total zombie STUPOR. that is the only way you could really relax and unwind and decompress.

well the first 3 to 6 months of ANY job are gonna be like that as you learn the job!

i dunno. like with the college police IT job, i did not get that impression at all.

or even the nursing home payroll job.

now, at my last awful job, the company was struggling, they are still struggling, and its no surprise they closed our entire department. i predicted it while i was still there. CALLED IT like a year before it actually happened.

i should be studying for the interview tomorrow by Knowing their company inside and out!

it is a big multinational corporation hahaha. something everybody has heard of.

ok prepared muh study sheetz. interviewing with 3 men tomorrow. i hate these goddamn panels. but i have handled 5 person panels. normally there are 2 people.

this job has potential to get confusing, as a TECHNICIAN for an electronic devices company. shit yeah they could get technical. and they probably have senior technicians who get to know the shit better after 2, 3, years.

yeah this company does not look like good long term place. the health insurance is supposedly good, but it is run by tyrannical asshole azns who are totally out of touch with USA. the county job i am interviewing on monday, i am much more interested in the long term.

however, i am not in the habit of turning down job offers hahahaha. well, just the one, a post office CCA. i am thinking this electronics  job pays about the same, has good health care start right away. but anyway the company culture is supposedly very asian. and not in the good japanese way hahahaha. but in a less honorabru way. like they are clearly not attracting Top US Talent to make them seem like a really US-friendly country. weird stilted english language on their web site. their best people get out and go to better companies. the top management is a revolving door of asians. who bully their underlings and really dont have a good business sense or long term vision hehehe.

hooo boy. i always fear that its the Bad Jobs that will make me an offer.

one of the 3 guys tomorrow is one of the native asians that they send out to run facilities in foreign countries like the US hehehe.

well, tell them I am waiting to hear back from macomb county and that if offered that job, I would take it.

how good of engrish does the asian manager speak. prob not good. glassdoor stories of asian execs chattering and none of the gringo underlings know what they are saying.

well if im not super enthusiastic, they wont hire me anyway hahahahaha.

well this one guy i used to work with, and i really liked him, he was great. he was a new guy who got placed right next to me. naturally he had lots of questions because the training is horrible and everyone is confused all the time. I wanted to change that Culture, so I was happy to help him, and anybody I could. But he was also very SHARP, he was not a dumber person like some of the people there. he was masculine and handsome and charming and had great People Skills, and he handled phone calls like a BOSS even though he’d never had a job like that before. I instantly liked him and we got along well. within 2 or 3 months he had gotten a job with the company I am interviewing for tomorrow. he made it sound really awesome. I was sad when he left.

9 months later or so I saw him in the grocery store, he said send me a resume and I can make sure you get an interview, things are going good there. I got cold feet and never emailed him. but when I started putting effort into muh job search, I applied at his company regularly. so anyway I will mention his name tomorrow.

stories that the asian asshole bosses force you to DRINK when they go do asian karaoke after a 16 hour shift and like all high pressure asian businessmen, they get falling down drunk on saki or rice liquor. drink 20 drinks in 60 minutes until they vomit and pass out on the sidewalk hahahahaha. pass out in their car with vomit all over the interior of the car hahahaha.  these guys are the top managers of your department. they are your managers manager. your manager never gets promoted because he’s not asian, but he starts acting more asian because he takes shit from asians all day hahahaha. meaning, you btich and bully and belittle. all stick and no carrot hahahaha.

everyone is like khan from king of the hill but worse hahahaha.

well i guess i would rather work here than that post office job. try to survive a year. try to find MJ hookup if there are any Blacks there hahaha. make friends with shy lonely white people. but youre not supposed to befriend the outcasts, because then you become an outcast yourself right?

so become friends with the cool kids, pretend you are a cool kid. befriend the asians. do gangam style dance moves with them hahahahahahahahaha and bring them bottles of saki.

im not one of those pathetic whites who has some hardon for asians. fook asians hahahaha. they’re not cute o kawaii, they’re not interesting, they are ratty little yellow rat people hahahaha.  definition of crabs in a bucket. yeah but anime and samurais are kewl.

ok we can agree that the japanese are the best asians……..but these are not japanese, and i STILL dont have a HARDON for japan. NOT an otaku weeaboo. fook that. even the BEST of the asians do not interest me, beyond I have some desire to watch kurosawa or ozu films, i like some jap horror movies, and i liked mario and zelda games. thats IT.

i mean these particular asians are just a tiny step up from the CHINESE in my book hehehehe. i guess i have already doxxed myself hahahaha. now the asian crab people can fire me. good riddance hahahaha.

i mean i COULD just be unenthusiastic. say that I enjoy a democratic, non-hierarchical workplace where the local facility gets a lot of authority in the eyes of world HQ. or i could just turn down the job offer if i get it hahahaha. i mean i will probably stop applying here at any rate. be like i gotta take days off to interview at better places hahaha.

i mean how the hell do you keep taking half days off to go to interviews? what do you say? im going to a doctors appointment?

i mean my old workmate was looking to get out of our old work ASAP. he looks like he is happy to stay with this asian company. if its good enough for him its good enough for me.

he was in the military though. deals with pressure and people under pressure better than i do. what if he is a total degenerate though. who knows. shit. he was nicer to me than That Woman was at the end! He was a positive thing in my negative day of work! she was just another negative thing in the shit sandwich!

didnt realize you could just listen to the police scanner on a web site. listening to police scanner of nearby city that used to be white suburb but is gradually shifting towards nonwhite crime and lots of white trash and drugs too. so you listen to the police scanners to really put your finger on the pulse hahahaha. supposedly. but it doesnt make much sense. i cant understand a word they are saying. how can THEY understand each other? and these are white cops!

yeah ok i studied a decent amount of the bullshit which this particular division of the company does. car related electronics lets say. the asian manager can bust my balls and i can tell him i wipe my ass with zipperheads faces hahahaha. they wish they could be samurais like the nips but instead theyre little needle dicked alcoholics who beat their wives and children and lust over white women that choose deadbeats and ingras over them no matter how much money they make as businessmen. white men LUV asian women (i dont at all), but white women HATE asian men hahahaha. well thats good, i wish they hated black and arab men as much. fookin race traitors hahahaha.