WHEN YOU SEND MESSAGES THEY DIDNT CONSENT TO RECEIVING, ITS LITERALLY RAEP

sheeeeeeeeit

sept 20

meet with shrink today for first time in over a month, should be entertaining hahahaha.

reddit. if youre upset about being dumped, then youre automatically CONTROLLING and ABUSIVE and immature. werent you ever upset about being dumped? also i think that YES you ARE a little bit on the hook for your Ex Partners feelings at the end of the rel. its not a goddamn get out of jail free card. its not a waive all your responsibilities card.

BREAKUPS INVOLVE RESPONSIBILITIES TOO. thats what reddit and apparently 50% of women dont seem to understand hahahaha.

https://radio.therightstuff.biz/2016/09/20/the-daily-shoah-103-vice-shitty-stories/

wewlad, daily shoah gets a VICE reporter on the show, then within hours the TDS soundcloud is shut down (again!). apparently its a 20 year old gurl with valley gurl vocal fry hahahahaha oh man dis gon be gud.

also bulbasaur is back and this is legit a big deal, hope he stays back.

anyway i basically just hate the feeling of not being able to HANDLE anything. go to a job and not know what to do, bullshit your way through things, deal with bitches bitching at you all day, just surviving one day at a time on the edge. you just want to come home and smoke big fat b0wl until you are blazed as fook, and then immed go to bed. but you cant because you dont have a source for MJ and you cant do drugs in front of your family, plus you shouldnt be doing drugs anyway hahahahaha.

but i also think it really HELPS when you have a stressful job you are just trying to survive one day at a time. helps you Switch Off after a horrible day, and also to slow down and get some rest for another horrible day tomorrow.  more effective than just about anything else. lack of hangover. the next best thing obviously is exercising STRENUOUSLY till exhaustion. cant do that EVERY DAY though.

well, one day you could cardio strenuously, then the next day LIFT strenuously. there you go.

applied for job at ticketmaster. maybe eddie vedder can call me up and bitch at me hahahahahahahahaha.  that fooking phaggot. he couldnt HANDLE working a DAY at ticketmaster. the 424th job.

i guess 500 is a lot nicer, rounder number than 400 eh?

yeah i am digging this bell witch pretty well. maybe i just really like that cover art hahahaha.  anyway they have no guitar just bass and honestly i couldnt really tell cuz doom usually tunes their guitars so low that it almost doesnt matter hahaha.

this is a 28 year old woman. he’s my best friend and we are looking forward to an AWESOME FUTURE with NO KIDS and LOTS OF CATS.

of COURSHE, REDDIT sees nothing wrong with this whatsoever. totally valid lifestyle choice.

ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING.

because KIDS are SO UNCOOL and CATS are AWESOME. RAWR!!!! KIDS are LAME and prevent you from achieving success in your CAREER, making a difference with nonwhite children in africa and arabia, and from TRAVELING.  this is normal stuff for a 28 year old childless woman to be thinking. because they are not going to have fertility problems in the next 5 to 10 years or anything.

sheeeeeeit rejected by ticketmaster SAME DAY as applying. THANK YOU!!!!!!!

and this is with my New Cover Letter Now With Brief Getting Out In Front Of the Issue Explanation of Gap!

i was thinking, every man should have a female friend or acquaintance that he gets to Cuddle With on the Regular. like once every 2 weeks at least. it would not be a Dating or Secsual or Monogamous Rel of course. well, of course the guy would probably fall in luv with the gurls. so the gurl should have the training to manager that inevitability, because i believe if it were managed well, the pros could outweigh the cons.

but then its a slippery slope to degeneracy like fook buddies and all that degen.

but cuddling isnt degen at all!

yeah but you shouldnt do it with just anybody and be a damn no strings attached cuddle slut…..should you?

because if you cuddle with a cuddle buddy, aren’t you increasingly likely to get feelings for them? yes. same as if you fook them.

but casual cuddling is WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY less DEGEN than casual fooking. better for your soul.

had pretty uneventful meeting with shrink. just vocalizing my somewhat growing discouragement with job search, etc. things i might try doing differently, like focusing more on “low hanging fruit” like part time jobs and the god damn temp agency, etc.

listened to first hour of new daily shoah where they gangraep cutesy female journalist. i mean she sounds like a college idiot even though shes gotta be like 28 or 30 years old with a Professional Career since at least 2007 with atlantic, vice, maybe msnbc. i bet she went to a good college, maybe even ivy. theres no reason for her to talk like this unless she is coming in bad faith. they talk about the issue of bad faith. it takes 20 minutes before the good talk gets going. she starts with coy bad faith questions about pepe and the guys are very tight lipped because they see right through the shit.

really i think they should do this more often, and have it be just mike enoch vs the journalist, so it doesnt seem like they are ganging up on the poor widdle gurl.

ok heres the one they did a few weeks ago with the gawker journalist, i will listen to that one next

i have NEVER been good at debating my enemies, sheeeeeeit i cant even debate my leftist FRIENDS. when they start saying something leftist, i just keep my mouth shut. if i were as strong and sharp and quick on my feet as mike enoch, damn that guy is good. i might actually have a chance at challenging my friends preconceived notions.

well, im sure you go easier on your friends. just chip away slowly and make little chinks in the armor, then sit back and let them question themselves. that is what i would like to do. but if you get a damn enemy like a vice journalist, of course you want to DEMOLISH them.

and i want to see more of these kind of debates.

well i dont really want to listen to the MW / Sargon debate. Although I think MW has gotten more ballsy since then. No, I want to hear Tuff Guy Mike Enoch DESTROY LEFTISTS.

sept 21

sheeeeeeit. so i ran into this guy i used to work with at this auto related store today. he told me a bunch of people went to work at this one company that did not surprise me, i knew a few went there, turns out it was more than a few. he said they paid 18 an hour. he interviewed for them but did not get the job. i said sheeeeit thats some bullshit, fook them, whatever man, forget about it.

he let slip that That Person was working at this Company which I wont name but now I know the name of it and I wont apply there hahahaha. i think he said she interviewed at the same company he did and also did not get the job, and some people he felt shouldnt get that job, got it. i THINK he said she interviewed but did not get it. if so, i was happy about that, because he is smarter than her, and if he didnt get the job, she shouldnt get the job. also she doesnt come across as very strong or sharp or smart. but i guess she got something. not 18 an hour though. prob not.

he has no idea my history with her and i didnt ask about her, he mentioned her just as he was rattling off people we used to work with.

he mentioned some of my favorite people from the job, and they were being “bums” not working. me too i said, hahahaha. i actually talked to this guy pretty well, like a total normie. well we got along fairly well, i think i liked him more than he liked me tho hahahaha.  well whatever. he’s got kids to raise and he is a busy guy so i just chalk it up to that. plus he is nonwhite so, whatever. he is not a bad guy though! he deserves a 18 dollar an hour job too!

also i dont think he fooked That Woman. well who knows. maybe she fooked everybody. he did not seem too interested in her tho. also she was not a huge slut when i knew her. i have this fantasy narrative where she became a huge slut the moment she dumped me hahahaha.

well now i know the name of her company so i know not to apply there. and i am not tempted to look her name up to find any info about her. not that i have. i have NOT. but now i might look up the company and see how much her position pays hahahaha. something having to do with documents and forms.

was driving home late last night and had awful feeling, why is the car pulling this much, whats that sound, whys this feel so weird, oh shit, do i have a flat tire, and turns out yes yes i definitely do. instant panic hahahaha.

ive actually never successfully changed a flat tire as shameful as that is.

well i carefully drove to a gas station about half a mile away and tried putting some air in the tire. didnt seem to help at all. not sure i was putting the air in right though.

called fam to let them know what was going on. i was scared and helpless and weak hehehehe so shameful and pathetic. plus they might have insurance that has roadside service.

anyway the fam came out but they didnt really NEED to, because i managed to figure out the complicated procedure of jacking the car up, removing the bad tire, and putting on the spare tire. then putting some air in the spare tire, and driving carefully home.

so that was actually kind of empowering and confidence building. i was always worried i would put the tire on wrong, or jack the car up wrong, put the jack in the wrong place, not put the tire on right, the tire would come fully off while i was driving, etc. but no, everythign went very well. and now i just feel bad about making the fam come out there and get worried. was like 8 miles from home. didnt want them to think i was in jail for drunk driving or smething. i have not drank in 7 years!!!!!

i had always said one day i would practice jacking up car and replacing the tire, just so i could do it quickly and confidently when needed. but i never got around to it hahahaha.

but i managed to pretty much do it yesterday. it was kinda slow but i eventually made progress. next time i could do it a lot faster.

it was like oh shit am i doing this right, am i screwing up the car, i dont know what this is supposed to be like, and then ultimately everything worked out. kinda like my job hahahaha.

but its one thing when you are responsible for yourself, vs taking the responsibility for someone ELSE and THEIR problem. like me trying to tell another person how to change their tyre, when I had never done it myself.

so yeah if i had to do it again, i would be a lot less nervous. well assuming i had the correct tools and a properly inflated spare tyre hehehe.

but yeah it was not quick. it was closer to 60 minutes than 30 minutes. if you know what youre doing you could prob do it in under 20.

had dream last night featuring woman#….3? i cant even. no i think it was woman4. from 2005. she was a prudish innocent asexual type gurl, i liked her Secsual Innocence and total lack of sluttishness. but yeah she was not interested in me and i came on too strong hahaha. but she was a decent choice i think, would have made a good gf if she were willing. which she werent hahaha. i would have totally monog trad dated her for 2 years. shared firsts with her hahahaha.

anyway in the dream she was being nice to me and cuddling with me, possibly some making out. and that felt really good. smiling and gazing at me and cuddling and making out and touching, nothing too degen though. so that was pleasant.

so it was nice to feel those feels for someone who was not That Woman.

Sheeeeeit, i’ll take a Previous Woman from 11 years go, over That Woman, ANYDAY!!!!!!

anyway the guy i talked to told me His Price. His Going Rate. he wont take a job for less than this amount. it is a pretty respectable number, a little high, but it’s good to think highly of yourself hahahahaha. and he is worth it. hell were ALL WORTH it, its just, can you GET it.

the number was higher than 15 an hour hehehe. and certainly higher than 12-13 an hour like i am aiming for now.

i dont know why that big company didnt hire him. he is a pretty normie guy and pretty smart and why the hell wouldnt they want a smart nonwhite.  maybe the guy seems laid back or stoned or something? but he doesnt smoke MJ, at least not regularly! he’s just kinda laid back. which is GOOD! i dont get it. do you have to be electrifying?

i mean yeah i try to present as more energetic and electrifying, but just come across as nervous and anxious and virginy hahahaha.

great fun listening to death panel destroy the widdle gurl journalist. i mean she sounds like such a retarded idiot. you cant even have a productive conversation with these people hahaha. i look forward to listening to the male gawker journo they had on a month ago. maybe he can actually not sound like a 13 year old moron gurl.  its amazing this woman can make good money and i struggle to get a 12 an hour job!

yeah ghoul is autistic and these conversations should really be mike enoch and the person alone, cuz once mike pins them down, he can deal the finishing blow, but with all the other 5 guys sperging out, it allows the journo to squirm away and dodge questions like a sneaky little J.

it was funny to hear seventh son snap and get angry, he is usually very chill. but hes like shut the fook up you god damn liar.

so yeah i hope this becomes a regular thing and that mike e can structure it a little better. take the good suggestions of the commenters. i havent even looked at the forum yet but supposedly there is pretty good proof that it was This Woman Reporter who got TRS soundcloud shut down.

well she makes money because of her jooish boifran. well hes just a damn journalist too!

but he comes from a family of jooish doctors. monay.

hehehe the people at trs do their due diligence.

also she used to be married to a white guy who was a military guy AND a leftist who fabricated stories of military being abusive to iraqis for the new republic in 2007. he recanted his story and she gained a reputation as being very lazy on fact checking. theory that she is only still working because she dumped the white guy and started fooking a pure joo journalist.

not sure where she went to skool. georgetown?

nope university of missouri columbia, journalism, 2005.

ok, that is the same thing as MU aka mizzou.

she possibly met her lying leftist x husbando there. not sure. dont really care.

but yeah the grilling on TDS could have gone a lot better by having a more intimate convo with k1ke enoch, maybe he could play nice for the first 20 minutes, lure her in, then trap them like a rat.

but of course i understand that you should show this vermin no respect.

i guess i just cant help white knighting for white gurls. i sadly would probably bang her 6/10 fetal alcohol syndrome, 34 year old, hipster problem glasses wearing, body, vocal fry, leftist, lying.

im just curious to see what happens after this. like what kind of article is she gonna write. i mean she was made to look like an IDIOT. that cant be good for her story.

i wanted funeral doom, why dont i just go with a trusted name here, and not just listen to the first song only, hahahahaha. i hear the third song is also pretty good.

interesting seeing that guy from the job. he was on my good list so i didnt mind talking to him. realize i hadnt seen him in over a year. 14+ months. WOW.

cant help but think of That Woman and how i am a just a small insignificant part of her Distant Past, and she should be the same to me, but she’s not!

but she’s moved on, new job, 14 months, def new cox, maybe some new lovers that she can fall in luv with, new friends she can be interested in, new life, new everything.

tho i am sorta glad she wasnt BRIGHT enough to get that 18 an hour job all the other people got. because she really is not a very sharp thinker in the technical field. she just is more emotionally mature and disciplined than me hahahaha. she is more mature than me hahahaha yet she cant send 1 text to end a 3 year rel. i am less mature than that apparently hahahahahaha.

but yeah i couldnt help but think of her when i saw this guy. bringing back memories of the awful job from so long ago. yet i cant get over HER. i cant really get over that job either hahaha. this man i talked to didnt hate it nearly as much as i did. he was very chill and laid back and could roll with the punches very well. i wish i could do that.

yeah i totally understand why she could throw a person away. it just hurts a LOTTTTTT and I guess I dont understand why she couldnt send a messanger to just say sorry for the way this all went down, have a good life. that would have helped a lot. couldn’t you care enough to do that?

maybe by the time she thought of doing that, some time had already passed, and she figured it would be like ripping open an old wound again. which makes sense.  i can understand that.

but she BLOCKED ME, which says DONT CONTACT ME. I DONT WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU. I WONT LISTEN TO YOU. WHEN YOU CONTACT ME, THAT’S AGAINST MY CONSENT, AND MAKES YOU THE BAD GUY.

so sending messages that will get blocked makes you the bad guy, becuase they didnt CONSENT to receiving those messages. its LITERALLY RAPE hahahahahaha.

heh. the amount of dollars per hour you make is like your LEVEL.

are you a loser making 11 dollars an hour?

or are you a huge winner making 18 dollars an hour?

its “ONLY” 7 dollars. but that 7 dollars makes ALL THE DIFFERENCE in the world between a loser and a winner. thats 14k a year between big loser and big winner. hmmm.

22k a year vs 36k a year.

i think savage.wav comes from the michael savage show and not necssarily devil may cry. just a thought.

referrinf to the sweet audio drop on the fatherland haha

im honestly not this ADD. this is just mental multitasking, i have to have two trains of unrelated thought going at all times. i blame the job really. with all the damn CASES that we did.

plus im jealous of how SHE used to work on 3 or 4 or 5 cases AT THE SAME TIME. she was a better multitasker than me.

but was she ultimately more effective? or efficient? i dont think so.

btw if i havent made this clear, multitasking is ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT and anyone who says its a good thing, you should punch them repeatedly in the face.

multitasking is a jooish lie, scam, myth, farce, lies, bullshit.

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/why-non-business-students-shouldnt-take-business-dimitri-bianco-frm

real controversial title here!  and i did not watch the video so…..i guess its some young MSc who got a sweet 100k job for what he went to graduate skool for, and he is complaining about Grad students taking Business classes because they want to work “in industry” as opposed to……didnt watch the video. in industry as opposed to academia, government, nonprofits, public sector i guess?  and they think taking a marketing class will somehow make them more hirable? but it really doesnt? and they should just get into a better grad program instead? but why are you in grad skool if its not a good one? because people will just go to grad skool. not even joking. but how could just about any MSc degree be “worthless?”

because some degrees that seem worthwhile are worthless. like a phoenix MBA hahahahaha. but thats a business degree.

well, like maybe if you get a “general” library or education masters degree. or social work. i guess biology is shitty too.

heh. this is why i avoid graduate skool. why i avoided it for 10 years. i would rather try to survive in the real world. and i havent figured out how to do that yet! apparently by being able to be calm and make decisions and bullshitting in Tough Situations!

heres the TDS with the vice gurl, it hadnt been uploaded to youtube yet yesterday hehe

i mean it was kinda a trainwreck and could have been a lot better, but it was still very entertaining and illustrative. and cant stop listening. but it still could have been better. like yeah actually talk about the JQ for an hour. but she’s not gonna come back, she’s prob the one who reported TDS to soundcloud. she wont come back to have a more productive discussion.

basically there was a lot of wasting time of people interrupting, her being an idiot, some of the guys being autistic. something more focused with just mike and the reporter, talking in depth about one issue, like the JQ or White Privilege or Housing or Immigration or Punching Down or Systemic Racism. pick one and only one. yeah i know its hard when theres all these good interrelated topics. but you cant give them any place to run to, any chance to change the subject.

anyway yeah it started getting good near the end of the interview. it took 2 hours to start really getting good.

 

BETRAYAL BAROMETER

0127

weird dreams r us last night. well at least they did not include That Woman.

the more interesting one featured a woman from Uni i started having random dreams about a few years ago, indicating that i should have pursued her when i had the chance, but i was too distracted on other women and other issues. and here was a cute fun woman just a little outside my immediate circle. she was very cute and didnt hate me and i was favorable to her and at that time she wasnt a huge slut yet hahahaha. she was one of those that started taking all the cox AFTER college. yes there are some women like that. survive college without getting on the cok carousel but then the postcollege world is brutal. well i can udnerstand that. at best, your dreams are shattered, you are 50k in debt, you are working all the time and lose all of your friends because you have no time, so the best you can hope for is casual sex with strangers in bars and tinder and match and random acquaintances, and hope the casual sex turns into something greater…..but it usually doesnt. then back to work for you and you are fooking some person you dont even know. this is the best case scenario: assuming you can get and keep a decent job after college. well, assuming you dont say fook this shit and go to grad skool hahahaha. which she did not do. and i kinda liked that cuz i was sick of EVERYONE but me going to grad skool. but she got a gainful job so im jelly about that. and she might go to grad school at age 30. one of THOSE.  as in, give up your decent job entirely to go to a full time, well recognized grad program and reinvent yourself kind of thing. i dunno. i quit faceberg and dont plan ot go back haha.

anyway i would still date her now even though she is 30 and has probably been with….well at LEAST 10+ guys. i liked her cuz she was super cute, and also nice and friendly and not bitchy, but also kinda shy. she stuck with her female friends and didnt have 900000000000000000000000000 guy friends.

ANYWAY in the dream i was supposed to “pick her up from school and take her home” but instead she stayed with me and was showing intense interest in me. jumping all over me and wanting to get fooked NOW. getting ecstatic over ME.

that was nice because i wasnt used to that and she was very attractive and i liked her….but it was also a red flag. it seemed way too soon and quick for her to do this. this might not be real or long lasting. if she could do that with me, she could do it with 9000000 other guys. to go from 0 to 60 like that. i dont TRUST it. its nice getting the attention in the moment, but you fear rightfully that its not gonna last. meanwhile youre getting feelings while she’s LOSING INTEREST and moving on the next guy. its bipolar. woman2004 aka woman2 was like this.

this is why i think its wrong to have secs too early: before you KNOW a person, before you LIKE a person. and that takes TIME. it takes at least 6 months. and when THE RULE is to have secs on the THIRD DATE???!?!?!?!?! what a horrible rule. assuming one date per week, you should not be having secs before the TWENTY FOURTH DATE, at LEAST!!!!!!!

and then she in the dream was like, you dont have to take me home, i wanna spend the night with you. yay that means lots of cuddles with the secs i thought, but i was supposed to take her home, where the premise was, she lived with her family hahahaha. i said wont your family care about you spending the night with some guy you and they dont really know? and she said no thats fine. not a problem. either she was gonna lie or they just didnt care their daughter was a slut. WELL THEY SHOULD! I WOULD!!!!

ANYWAY as it turned out, the whole thing was a trick to get lonely beta males desperate for female attention, then ensnare them into a weird Vampire Zombie Undead Cult Army. the cute secsy succubus pulls you in, then turns you over to the zombie hordes, where you get essentially tortured and made into a monster hahahaha.

GEE I WONDER WHAT THIS DREAM MEANS hahahaha in terms of how i feel about WOMEN.

but it was presented as kind of a Cute Edgy Funny Entertaining Teen Young Adult Movie. possibly like army of darkness mixed with zombieland mixed with i dunno, twilight or john green.

vapaudenristis 2012 demo is also very good hahaha. very heavy guitar sound but just as catchy and high energy as ever. it makes some of his other projects look a bit low energy by comparison! i like this raw in your face masculine energy and emotion. i guess that is the point of RAC and i am very happy this guy is/has been doing RAC.

anyway the dream. yeah thats about it. this particular woman didnt seem much like that, rather woman2 did.

but it is very powerful when a young cute gurl is showing intense interest in you. smiling at you, enjoying every stupid thing you say, just WANTING you. i just wish it hadnt gone from 0 to 100 so fast. just slowly ramped up and lasted a long time. start with hanging out and smiling. slowly move to cuddling and touching and making out. then slowly move to secs. is that too much to ask? yes, yes it absolutely is hahahaha.

had another dream before that. i had snuck into some luxury resort hotel, poolside, and there was some weird massage chair where robot hands gave you a massage. i started doing that and noticed there was a gurl sitting there watching me. she wasnt particularly supercute but she was young, early 20s, which at my age is really all you need. she was slightly flabby and cow looking and certainly would not look any better than she did now. but even chubby girls can be cute if they are young. she made some kinda of joke to me that was actually funny and witty and smart, but she had a voice like a deaf person that was not hot at all. she was wearing a bathing suit and began coyly showing me her genitalia.

i said something degenerate like you have a real nice pvssy, i wanna get a closer look at it, and then she started s’ing muh d, and then the dream was over 1 second later.

well better to have these degen dreams than to think about HER. or also prono. i guess i could use my image of that first mentioned woman to help me try to get over THAT woman. in that, heres another real life woman i am attracted to and who had real rel potential. who i actually sorta knew at one time 10 years ago and who was friendly to me. that is very important too hahaha.

obsessed with women hahahaha.

but i hate the thought that people have no obligations to each other, you can do whatever you want, and nothings right or wrong. plus the jury of women in my head which says, what she did wasnt that bad, and you have no right to be upset, woman hater. stop trying to control her reaction. she can do whatever she wants.

i dunno i just want some SYMPATHY. when i tell this story to a future woman i want her to side with me and say yeah that sucks, she should have been more courteous to you.

just show me some sympathy and warmth and kindness. dont tell me, yeah it sucks but life isnt fair. friends and lovers are supposed to be NICE to you. thats one of the obligations of being a friend or lover hahahaha. that you sympathize with your friend over some random stranger.

https://soundcloud.com/deathtoposersradio/2512016-dtp-radio-show-pt3?utm_source=soundcloud&utm_campaign=share&utm_medium=facebook

new vapaudenristi song on some finnish metal radio show. i assume its new, i havent heard it before. it sounds good. this guy can literally do no wrong whatsoever.

how do you know when something is betrayal? i say its not betrayal. she says it IS. only one of those answers can be correct.

well the answer is, her BETRAYAL BAROMETER was calibrated extremely LOW due to a recent betrayal. therefore she was extra sensitive to betrayal now, and somebody having a small disagreement with her would be paranoidly interpreted as ghastly BETRAYAL.

ok now my ears and brain and heart are ready for the new clandestine blaze album. i wasnt ready for it when it came out. now after listening to tonnes of vapaudenristi, the CB sounds great. sounds more high energy than all other CB. more rocking, more energy, more immediate, very hateful. as if the V is bleeding over into the CB. FINE BY ME!!!!

i dont even know how he has TIME for CB anyway. he even uses Roaring Shouty V style vokals on at least one song here.

what im saying is i wonder if his work in V is making his work in CB even BETTER.

also what im saying is if he had to focus on one project from now, i would suggest V. because what they stand for is so important. the future of EUROPE and its PEOPLE hehehehe. it is for V that people call him a racist and a nazi. because being a NATIONALIST is the WORST THING EVER. protecting your country from saracen invaders raping your women, you cant do that!

anyway he produces so much music that it is hard to keep up with it all. but when this CB album came out in first half of 2015 (pre my life falling apart) i just wasnt ready for it. now i am, and i sounds like the freshest CB material ive ever heard, possibly the best.  Peak CB. highly recommended for metal fans and nationalists.

shit i am thinking of just writing this guy a long fan email already. be like i am your biggest fan and never stop doing what you do. and if i had to buy something from your store right now it would pref be a vapaudenristi shirt so make a bunch more of those hahahaha. ideally i would meet you in person and we could have a long talk about Nationalism; and also a Long Talk about Degeneracy and how it relates to what you did in some of your more degenerate projects (Nicole 12, and back in the day he even made some “fetish videos”. but i honestly think those days are behind him now. i hope.)

“consent carnival” at USC with college money going towards educating college students on what exactly is consent, and how to get it. obviously CONSENT has been a big deal lately, with the Marxist Implication being: all men are rapists, you have to teach men not to rape, men dont know what consent is, there is an epidemic of rape on college campuses hahahaha.

with the less political suggestion that NO ONE, men or women, knows what consent really is, and that men and women dont know how to communicate with each other any more.

no means yes and yes means anal hahahahahahahahahaha

and women like when manly men push through their last minute resistance and TAKE them hahahaha.

hey i have no idea what consent is any more, having not had secs in 11+ years and reading all this stupid news and feminism stuff.

BUT its ESSENTIAL to remember, that when i DID have secs 11 years ago………….the consent was super obvious. she was practically BEGGING for my cok hahahaha. if anything the consent was coerced on MY side because i was nervous as fook and felt we were rushing into it. i wanted to take it slower, it all seemed so fast and hurried and unchill. but i went ahead and did it cuz i felt, well ive been wanting to do this forever, who knows when i’ll get another chance, its now or never. and it literally was! cuz there was a huge drought before that and a huge drought after that!

but as far as the actual CONSENT, there was NO ambiguity there. the actual consent was the least of my worries.

so i didnt have the consent problem all these college kids seem to be having as reported by the ((((((media))))). me, who just doesnt get along with women, women hate me to my very soul, every fiber of my being is repulsive to them, and i cant communicate with them and they cant communicate with me. everything is a goddamn ambiguous signal. except when it comes to actual secs. there was no doubt about it. enthusiastic consent was given at every second.

https://archive.is/hp6mY

related: this shit from attn dot com, a leftist shit site. tries to use COMICS to WIMMINSPLAIN to men the Complexities of Consent and how men think all this shit is consent but its really RAEP cuz men are such stupid evil rapey barbarians. RAPEY.

https://archive.is/Rz7DC

ok this one has the actual comic pictures i was talking about. this is how STUPID and EVIL they think MEN are.

oh secs is EASY. its maintaining an actual RELSHIP and talking about FEELINGS thats hard.

no wonder bitches are so good at having casual secs and so bad at having relships hahahaha.

went WAY over calorie budget yesterday. felt bad about that. and i didnt even REALLY gorge myself. and i still went WAY over. like 800 over. jesus christ. eating at night. and then a “dessert” of pastry on top of that!!!!!! come on!!!!

i just ate some chikun wangs! whats so bad about that? a lot actually. chikun wangs, pizza, pastries, donuts, its all bad.

anyway i say its not betrayal, she is, only one of us can be right.

well its betrayal if the person feeling betrayed says its betrayal.

i DONT GET TO SAY, yeah but youre wrong, its not a real betrayal because i didnt MEAN to betray you. or it didnt meet these official criteria of betrayal. if the betrayee FEELS betrayed, then its betrayal, and i should feel bad.

but again my response is, she was just WAY too sensitive and we could have figured this all out with a Talk.

but COULD we have? 50% NO! we could have sat down for a talk and she could have been just like a damn brick wall like she was, and STILL refused to listen or understand or try to see my point of view!

and the last thing someone who feels betrayed wants to do is talk with their would be BETRAYER about the situation!

i dunno i have never REALLY felt THAT betrayed by a person before. i have felt severely disappointed, left in the lurch, not given a change, but real stick the knife in betrayed? not really. i dont even feel betrayed by HER here! just very very disappointed.

maybe if she just said, no i dont think you BETRAYED me,  i just cant handle this, but youre not a bad guy, you didnt BETRAY me, then i would feel a lot better.

i dont LIKE when somebody forever thinks i betrayed them!!!!!!

im not the kind of guy who betrays people!!!!

but i get along SO BADLY with WOMEN, that i BETRAY them without even THINKING ABOUT IT!!!!!!!

THAT is the kind of automatic negative thoughts i need to fight off all day.

its just real shitty. she was primed and paranoid to think EVERYTHING was betrayal. nothing i can do about that.

but i really didnt want to hurt her. i luved her! and when i luv someone, i dont do things that will HURT them!

basically somebody you luv saying you did something very wrong to them, and they hate you for it, and its NOT WHAT THEY THINK!!!! but they refuse to listen to your very sensible reasonable explanation, and hate you forever for it. its hard to just sit there and accept but thats ALL you can do.

i just hate being accused of something very bad, that i didnt really do. but i sort of did! i mean shes not misinterpreting what happened, shes misinterpreting the meaning of it, if that makes any sense.

well she COULD be misinterpreting what happened, IF she thinks i had Dual Intent, and False Pretenses ALL ALONG. then she would be even MORE WRONG. which would kinda be good, as it would more convincingly convince myself that i did not do something horrible.

but yeah when you get thrown away its very dehumanizing. you feel like you dont matter as a person. your voice and opinion and perspective dont matter. you werent even good enough to be HEARD, to be LISTENED to. they just wanted to get rid of you and not hear you bitch and moan and complain. its almost like being ASSASSINATED, or K’ed by a HIT MAN. just dispose of this toxic waste. but youre not dead. youre still alive.

it is a REAL mindfook to be disposed of like this and i wish the jury of judgmental women in my head would agree with that and show me a little SYMPATHY and say ITS WRONG TO TREAT SOMEONE LIKE THAT.

not, WELLLLLLL, what YOU did was bad too, and nobodys entitled to anything, and she doesnt HAVE to show you courtesy, esp when YOU were no angel either.

yes i fooked up but i didnt fook up THAT bad to deserve THAT. i want people to agree with me on the difference in magnitude as well hahahahaha. realize this was a complicated situation. i was TRYING to not lie to her. i was giving her signals because i couldnt HIDE it.

well im the bad guy because i NEEDED TO SAY IT. i couldnt just realize that she was taking my hints, and giving me a solid hint of her own: i dont want this,  i dont like you. and i could have LEFT IT AT THAT. but i DIDNT. i had to SAY it. so in some? many? womens eyes that DOES make me a bad guy, doing a creepy feelings dump, saying something HORRIBLY awkward when its OBVIOUS it doesnt NEED to be said.

well i disrespectfully disagree with that opinion. some of us just need to say the words.

also in many situations like this, a man falling in luv with female friend, THEY STILL HANG OUT TOGETHER and have a CHANCE to talk about it, or at least SIGNAL to each other with more clarity. i was going crazy that she WOULDNT EVEN HANG OUT WITH ME ANYMORE and instead of just saying no, would give me excuse after excuse, saying well hang out later. and stupid me i beleived that, becuase i wanted it to be true!

went to Gym and burned 867 calories. angry at everything. starving but since i went SO far overboard yesterday,  i gotta budget today. well, not really. looking at other days i can see i have PROBABLY ALREADY made up for it.

BUT since i am PLANNING on eating at muh social gaym later, i gotta prepare for that. so why be mad about that? because i am very hungry now? most of the world is hungry! whenever i get hungry, i try to tell myself, thats GOOD, get USED to it, it is because i have eaten too much that i too much weight and fat on my body, so i have to be HUNGRY a little bit in order to lose that weight.

i am not autistic as i seem hahaha.

i am also more concerned about muh job situation than it seems from this writing. i just PREFER writing about the woman situation.

basically its an illustration of how bad communication can result in a TOTAL CLUSTERFOOK.

we talked about stuff. we just didnt talk about the stuff that MATTERED. because i was too SCARED, and she was too…unneccessary. pointless. nothing she could gain from it. just pure awkwardness. no REASON to talk or communicate. she had nothing to say. she didnt have feelings for me. why couldnt i see that. shes not giving me any positive signals. why couldnt i just take the hint. well because i didnt want to take the hint, i was in denial. but is that so goddamn evil and betraying? of COURSE i was in denial, i was in TRUE LUV!!! i wanted to believe there was a CHANCE! yeah its stupid and embarrassing and naive but is it treacherous, treasonous, lying, betraying? i dont think so. but again only she gets to determine when her trust is betrayed or not.

so now im a bad guy; betraying trust and hurting people without even being aware; AND being heartbroken in the worst possible way.

so yeah its another one of the blame myself days.

other days i blame her.

shift between hating self and hating her!

well if the roles were reversed….if a female friend was in one sided luv with me…i would feel BAD that i didnt return her feelings! i would say im sorry and MEAN it! not HATE them for it! i would ALREADY be hurting them enough from not liking them back!

anyway i hate being shitty to people. so it sucks to think i can hurt somebody without knowing it. i mean not many people are close enough to me to hurt them!

did i really HURT her though?!?!?!?! ill never know. maybe she doesnt even feel betrayed. she was just disgusted and annoyed. but not betrayed. or maybe she felt bad! i’ll NEVER KNOW!!!11111!!!!!!!

SELF SOOTHING hehehehe. EVERYTHING i used to do this became a bad habit: pr0nography. alcohol. MJ. FOOD. you eat FOOD to self soothe. then you gain weight and become a fatass.

what about jerking off without using pornography? to women that are not going to destroy your spirit? still a slippery slope and kinda degenerate.

better to PRAY.

and to LIFT. or exercise.

so lemme get thsi straight. if she THINKS i did something wrong…..then i did something wrong??? WELL I THINK SHE DID SOMETHING SUPER WRONG!!!!!11

maybe reddit relationships will have the answer i am looking for hahahaha. nope. nothing will have the answer im looking for. i have been thinking of just POSTING on these forums already.

 

MEN LOVE WHAT THEY VALUE, WOMEN DONT

1013

sheeeeeeeeeeeit. i just start having babies with women as soon as i turn 17 and the hormones start flooding. then when they have the babies i just say sheeeeeeeeeeeit dat aint mah keeeeeeid. and then never pay child support and never be a father and be like sheeeeit aint mah dam keeeid. then by the time i was 30 i would have 10 kids and wouldnt have to take care of them, and would have been a Winner at the Reporductive Game!

i would be so nervous at muh job that i couldnt even eat lunch. i would wait 6 hours, then try to eat lunch, then eat half of it at most. i wouldnt be able to eat until i had been at home for a few hours. and of course then its time for bed and you shouldnt eat a big meal right before bed, bceause then you wont be able to sleep.

i couldnt sleep anyway cuz i was worried about the next day of WORK. !!!!

so yeah. not being able to eat, not being able to sleep, and when i got home i would just read work shit furiously trying to study for a test i was unprepared for.

ITS LIKE THOSE DAMN DREAMS i used to have, used to be a pretty common dream for me, where i would be In College, then realize oh shit i havent gone to this class in MONTHS!!!!! then i go then there is a huge exam and i am not prepared at all.

the job was like having a huge exam every day and you not being prepared at all, but instead of workign on problems in silence, you have a caller hovering over you pressing you to fix it as fast as possible, because you’re suposed to know shit, thats your JOB.

so the only way you could try to prepare was to STUDY work shit when you got home, on a regular basis, for MONTHS, until you developed SOME confidence and SOME of the anxiety went away. but in the meantime not eating or sleeping well at all. and one of your big at work moral supports has turned against you and wont talk to you. not jsut moral support but the woman you wanted to Walk Down The Path of Life with for years to come.

is it really because All Women are Mercenaries? Not Loyal, untrustworthy, like muh Game Blogs say? that even the most pure virginal prude will give it up EASY for Alphas, yet make life a living hell for betas. so my low number low mileage perfect angel will give it up after 1 date with a charming alpha, same as any common tattooed gutter slut would.

so thats why you have several women, you cant keep them in line nearly as efficiently as they keep each other in line!

hehe. i wish you could just get women to take a POLYGRAPH. how many men have you had secs with? and how long did you know him when you first had secs? tell us about all the times you cheated, or did something that was shady and kinda like cheating. ever had secs with more than one guy in the space of a day? a week? a month? how loyal are you? are you still hung up on your first Real Boifran?

men value loyalty so much because thats how they know the baby is theirs. women could care less about loyalty because it just isnt RELEVANT to them. they can always find a new man, a better man. brachiating apes, making sure their hand is on a better branch, before letting go of the last.

but is it really true that women dont benefit from loyalty? i mean a loyal man will provide more resources right? make it easier to raise a keeid. so yeah why SHOULDNT women value loyalty?

well, they VALUE it but they dont respect it? they dont LOVE it? wtf?????

men are honest and straightforward enough to LOVE WHAT THEY VALUE. hahahaha. they dont leech off a resource like a greedy leech. or a suspender snapping oil sheikh sucking all the oil out of the well.

(i dont really think sheikhs wear suspenders)

but god damn can they buy a harem of 18 year old white qtz hahahahaha

so why dont OIL RICH islamic arab countries like saudi arabia, oman, bahrain, qatar, kuwait, and UAE take in poor syrian/iraqi migrants? saudi arabia is already pre-equipped with Temporary Tent Cities that they used to house 1 MILLION Pilgrims every year for the yearly mecca pilgrimage. not like super shitty tents either. but practically hotel rooms.

whoops getting political again, and i am not allowed to have a poltiical opinion, because i am a loser, and my hateful racist nationalist right wing political beliefs reflect/project that loserness in every way. they are not carefully considered rational political opinions. they are all based in womanly emotion about my loserness hahahahaha.

heh. joining the PEACE CORPS would have been a good career move for me, it always looks great on a resume and makes you hirable for a 15 DAH job better than serving in the military does. (which is a damn DISGRACE.)

but its not like its EASY to get into the peace corps. you have to make it your mission in life. passion. there are too many people trying to get in and very limited spots. also you cant be a hateful despairing nihilist and pass the interviews. its easier to get a damn JOB.

plus you have no control over where they send you.

oh believe me i thoguth about this at age 22, 23 as well, and i still had the same despairing nihilist mindset.

so i decided i might have a better shot with “americorps.”

i had a brief phone interview with a nonprofit director who was a total dick and he questioned my sincerity because i didnt have a big volunteering or activist background. if i really wanted to HELP people, why didnt i “just hop on a plane” and help hurricane katrina victims? because everyone who does this sort of work is usually privileged enough to just hop on a plane at every whim, otherwise they would be working a NORMAL JOB and not even looking at nonprofits.  so he was like youre basically not mature or developed enough for this americorp job hahahaha and that was humiliating. he was RIGHT but he was still a huge dick about it.

this was for a position in chicago and i picked it mainly because of that, because at that time, i thought chicago was the place to be. not sure why. its cold and full of faggot hipsters on one side and black thug gangs on the other. well because back then i was still a Leftist and i thought Saving Communities through Nonprofits was a Noble Idea.

soon after i got a ridiculous “job” with a local Nonprofit and saw how i did not fit in at all. i mean these were hardcore leftist activist marxists who work for noprofits, then spend their free time volunteering with even more marxist groups that are too political to even become a nonprofit. it was still better than my last Job but it was weird as fook.

i was still despairing and nihilistic back then, but i drank alot and i was still holding on to the last vestiges of muh leftism. but i would soon let go of that and be the better person for it hahahaha.

funny though i did essentially get approved for an americorps position…..BUT I TURNED IT DOWN!!!!! because i got nervous about moving out to Rural Oregon, funny enough, right near where that huge College Shooting happened in 2015.  so i kinda regret not doing that. because obviously nothign wrong with rural oregon, i mean come on thats SWEET. but at the time i was all about the big city. meeting young women essentially. horrible modern career women. come on. what an idiot. also, that plan didnt work out either!

well i cant say i turned down anything that was offered to me since then hahahaha. that was in late 2006. i would have been out of there long before the shooting hahaha.

continued to drink alot and think women were oppressed, thats why they were such huge disappointing sluts. they had a false consciousness and thought they were enjoying what was really oppression from the patriarchy hahahaha. i read feminist blogs and thought amanda marcotte was smart and brave hahahahaha. wow. well i THANK GOD i at least improved in one area of my life. also i stopped drinking.

so i quit leftism and quit drinking, but i was STILL filled with despair and could not get a job or a woman.

but i managed to stay away from drinking and leftism. shit it would be physically impossible for me to go back to leftism.

i began taking meds and seeing a shrink. to help directly address muh despair.

did it help? i guess a little, but certainly not a lot. i had to do that work muhself hahahaha.

i managed to get a shitty but easy fun job and took 76 credits of Moar College. i fell in luv with woman2012. i guess this might have been a relative high of muh life, around….2010, 2011.  that failed with woman 2012 in 2012. i met woman2015 almost at the exact same time as woman2012 rejected me, and we became friends quickly. i left the job to go to a horrible job in late 2013. i fell in luv with her in 2014. shit went horribly horribly wrong in 2015. and here i am now. hahahaha i wish i could have told her my life story. i mean i could but i didnt. maybe if she had known me better, she would have felt more luv and loyalty towards me.

so therefore its my fault right. because i didnt self disclose enough for her to really get to know me. therefore it was all my fault.

well i disclosed a little. she just needed me to give her moral support as she went through a tuff time wiht her bf hahahahahahahah. at that time i didnt care, i wanted her to fix shit with her bf. i think she wanted to fix shit with him. but he was just done.

remember i didnt get feelings for her until he was out of the picture. otherwise i would ahve said something way way way way before!!!!!!!!

when did i start getting weak and vulnerable? prob not till about jan or feb 2015. because bitches will leave you when they detect vulnerability from you, even though you stand by them when they are vulnerable. up to december 2014 so i was still RELATIVELy confident, so therefore should have expressed my feelings then.

and then the longer i bottled it up after that, the more vulernable and weak and pathetic i became, and the more respect she lost for me. which is not fair. she should have been like your my friend, i can see you are hurting, whats wrong, lets hang out and talk about it hahahahaha. and i woulda said okay. and then been like im in luv with u wawawawawawawawawawa

men love you in good times and bad. women might be nice to you in good times but will freeze up and abandon you during bad times. mercenaries! opportunists! fairweather! sellouts! betrayors! traitors! DAY OF THE ROPE!

i knew she was changing. she knew i was changing. i just didnt expect it to end like this, and it seemed to happen suddenly. it was that damn event.

ok so i should have gone up to her and said direclty, “do you CONSENT to me sitting with you during this event, or do you want me to go off by myself again and leave you alone?”

because thats the type of thing you ask someone youve been friends with for 2 years when you see them at an event!

well when they are giving you signs that they dont want you around, yes you do!

well i wanted to talk to her about why she was giving me those signs! rather than just say oh okay i guess ill go eat worms. fook.

see im doing it again. overanalyzing the situation to prove how i was to blame, and she was completely innocent.

because i didnt ask her consent to sit with her. come on.

also if she told me to leave i would have left. like she did when i visited her at work. i left and then apologized SORRY FOR BEING SO WEIRD god damn.

hahhaahaha i regret apologizing and groveling too much SORRY MY PRINCESS may i go prep your big black bull now. he can fook me in the ass before he fooks you in the ass.

i just assumed she fooked every guy she knew, like a slut. hahahaha. well i know she didnt. that was part of my vetting process. if she had a ton of guy friends i woulda been suspicious. but she didnt have many friends PERIOD. i thought that was kewl. she spent more time hanging out with her FAMILY than with her few friends, and when her friends became bad influences like being huge losers who did drugs or cheated or partied too much, she got away from that bad behavior. she ABANDONED them hahahahaha.

so was that a red flag for her abandoning me? because now i was a bad influence on her? even though i didnt do drugs or party or i was not nearly as dysfunctional and trashy as they were? white trash cheating on my long term partner, raging alcoholic, Pain Pill Popperz? none of that for me! my only flaws was i liked her, and i was weak and vulnerable and emo. well that was enough for her to cut me loose!

plus i am curious at how she feels about all this! i think part of her is hurt to lose someone she once thought of as a Good Friend and now that person isnt there any more. because she cut them loose. doesnt she MISS the good times and good connection? i wanted to know that. but i never will.

and i know if she feels a little guilty abotu it, she could possibly be prompted into apologizing? but she needs to be PUSHED? hehehehe i have pushed her enough havent i? yes. see you get temptations to contact them ALL THE TIME. but i know i shouldnt. because………the balls in her court. why should i beg for an apology? i begged for everything else and it didnt work. begging for an apology is even worse than when you are a kid and your family makes you apologize for something youre not really sorry for. although i would take that too hahahaha. like if her mom said, you shouldnt have done that, he was such a Good Guy, and you treated him horrible. now get in contact with him and apologize and hope he doesnt hate you too much to accept it!!!

went to the shrink. i actually like going to the shrink. when i can talk about this shit its better than writing about it. i dont even remember what the shrink says most of the time. i do 80% of the talking hahahaha.

uh am i supposed to write down the negative thoughts that come into my head. of course i mentioned dr david d burns md and his “feeling good” book as muh personal favorite. oh god bless dr david d burns md.

ok so look for Cognitive Distortions. such as All Women Are Like That hahahaha.

Distrotion: all or nothing thinking, disqualifying the positive.

Home

dr david d burns favorite song is “never let go” by TOM WAITS? COME ON! would it be weird of me to have a platonic nongay marriage to this 80 year old man? hahahaha.

http://www.feelinggoodinstitute.com/

anyway. stuff like

all women will treat me as bad as she did!

well, really most women would treat me WORSE! she was already in the top 1% of women hahahaha.

see i answered one cognitive distortion WITH ANOTHER EVEN WORSE ONE!

so maybe shes in the top 2% and i wanna find someone in the top 1%.

if anything, that kind of behavior should DEMOTE her to the Bottom 50%!

the idea that muh life and path and journey is like a plane and now i know better about how to pilot it to avoid rough patches, like the shit i learned from this horrible experiences. namely communicate wtih the women and never hold back. if you get feelings tell them immediately before you start gettig too ATTACHED to them.

otherwise you will become Enmeshed with them Codependently.

say the words “we need to talk” and write them a letter if they refuse to hang out with you.

of course if they exhibit HUge Red Flags as you get to know them, like tattoos, kids, previous cheating, high mileage, lying, uhhh pump and dump son.

she had some red flags but i felt she overcame them. because she wasnt a huge whore. well that was good. she was a risk for being a huge whore because of “father issues.” but she was not a slut. and she was loyal to her other boifrans. was not super loyal to me though. cuz she didnt have feeligns for me. i guess i had no hint of how she would act with a Male Friend who fell in Luv with her. she didnt seem to have any male friends other than 1 gay guy so that was ok. like i say she wasnt super social extraverted like most normie sluts. and i liked that she wasnt.

there was one super dorky guy who liked her but they werent FRIENDS the way i was with her! so she just ignored him and never hung out with him hahahahaha. but i dont think she unfriended or blocked him!

she must have thought i betrayed the friendship by getting feelings for her. good thing i addressed that in an email and said nope i am not BETRAYING you, this just sorta happened and i just wanted to TALK about it rather than HIDE it, and you wont even meet me for ONE HOUR to have a private talk about it. what am i supposed to grab you on a 15 minute break from work and tell you then and hope no other people are around?

well it really doesnt take 15 minutes to say the most important stuff.

you go out with them on a 15 minute break, say hey can i talk to you in private for FIVE minutes, take them away from the group of people n break, say hey i have feelings for you, DONE. in under ONE minute. then return to the group hahahahaha.

then they can run away crying, never talk to you again, and tell everyone else what a piece of shit you are hahahaha.

i was not ABUSIVE. i was pushy, annoying, and desperate, but i was not ABUSIVE.

i have had friends annoy me but i have never had them be pushy or desperate to me.

well if i HAD, then i would see how RIGHT it was for me to Cut Them Loose without saying one god damn word to them right.

see how i keep standing up for HER, and not for myself? ashamed so much of my actions? i should be taking my own side! not being my own worst enemy. well, besides her of course hahahaha.

but yeah i think i would have wrote the person an email explaining please stay away from me, maybe you are in love with me, well im sorry but im not in love with you, lets have some time apart, youre not a bad person but please stop bothering me, im not gonna respond, im just gonna block your phone and email and facebook, i wont even see the stuff you send me, you have been notified. sorry to upset you. the end.”

and thats all folks! she could ahve done that much!

PAYOFF MATRIX

916

hehehe it comes in waves. this is all so stupid. well it does make sense, i am very devastated because the Luv Was Real. because I Knew Her, THEN the Luv came on. with the other broads, i was truly in luv with a fantasy. you start off with immediate infatuation, always bargaining with them for time, hangouts, and the secs which is the only currency they understand, trying to be a macho man, then 3 months later or less they dump you and it hurts a lot, but really you NEVER KNEW THEM. they were in and out of your life in 3 months. you wanted to know them but you never really knew them. this is how modern women have sexual relationshits hahahaha.

well with her i thought i really KNEW her, from two years of issue free friendship. when i first met her i was getting over another woman, i couldnt even have feelings for anybody else for a while, i was in a hateful, loveless, nihilistic phase much like now, except then i had some kind of easy low paying job and a nice new female fren hahahaha.

so there were no stupid secs games, just two people slowly getting to know each other over a period of much longer than 3 months, no begging or bargaining, just a mutual win win situation.

only after i really knew her did some super strong feelings come in like a flood.

so yeah that mean the luv was more real, and based on a real foundation.

and was even harder to lose!

and not in a good way either. a beautiful thing ended int he worst possible way.

and im sure it WAS a positive thing for her until late last year, when she started checking out.

well ill never know what she was thinking. maybe she wasnt checking out. she was probably confused like i was!

but yeah it was natural for me to fight to keep the rel, there was nothing else i COULD do! it wasnt really a challenge, i wasnt gonna NOT fight for it! i didnt really HAVE a choice.

also, what did i WANT. what was my INCENTIVE. what was my potential PAYOFF. a luving rel with muh perfect woman. pretty big payoff. of COURSE i did what i had to do.

now she had a choice. she could either have an awkward tuff talk with me, or just walk away and quit.

CUI BONO?

WHO? WHOM?

hahahaha.

ANYWAY the only possibly PAYOFF for HER fro talking to me was to get good karma, and Let Me Down Easy, do a Favor for a Former Friend. BUT the cons were it was an extremely awkward talk where i would probably beg her and act weird. so the pros did not outweigh the cons for her. the payoff was not worth it for her. for me, the payoff was immensely worth it. my payoff was a True Luving Relship. for her there was no such payoff because she did not like me.

the payoff for Doing and Saying Nothing was, she got to get out of the Relship like she wanted, and she got to avoid a painful conversation. win win for her. lose lose for me. zero sum game hahahahaha.

“but luv is not a zero sum game”

well when it is one sided luv, it sure as fook is!!!!!!! like this case.

path of least resistance. avoiding uncomfortable conversations WHERE there is no big payoff to you.

i was begging to have the uncomfortable conversation because the payoff to me was HUGE.

she was desperate to NOT have the uncomft convo because there was no real convincing payoff for her. so i might hate her less, so it would be better karma. OR she could just be DONE with the whole overwhleming overbearing intolerable situation RIGHT NOW. so its not surprising why or how she went that route.

payoffs. do what you want to do. the payoffs influence/are your wants. and if you really want it, you will do it. because of the payoff.  the pros outweigh the cons hahaha. very simple.

if anything its a negative sum game. i had a net negative experience. i wish id never met her. the costs outweighed the benefits of the entire relationship. we had some very good times, but it wasnt’ worth the pain that followed.

i would assume her experience was less negative because she had less invested. but she probably just forgot abotu the good times, or realizes its the past, the past is gone, look forward to a fun future of cocks and badbois and excitement and unexpected pregnancies.

so, forget the good times, and get the annoyance (UGH.) of a loser weirdo in luv with you.

for me, the past was very very good, but the heartbreak was very very very very very painful. add them up and what do you get. very very very painful and bad. the end.

net loss. my life would have been better if i had never met her. period. the end.

now when a real relationship  (well, we kinda did have some kind of real relationship tho, a two year friendship) ends WELL, both parties can agree, that ran its course, it was a GOOD RUN, but we can both agree there is no future here, so have a good life, good bye.

when both people want out, not when one person desperately wants IN , the other person desperately wants OUT.

so yeah everything really does make sense. people do what they really want, given the payoffs they are aiming for, measuring the costs and benefits. there was a huge potential benefit to me to pursue her, to go all in for in; there was really no potential benefit to her to even TALK to me, except KARMA, and even that was not a convincing or valuable enough payoff.

the good karma was not worth the trouble of an extremely awkward conversation, and probably me being pushy and bargaining and begging and pleading during that conversation, and pushing for MORE conversations, being unable to let go, etc.

so i got the book “getting past your breakup” by susan elliott i think is the name, opened it up to a random page and read,

“reaching out to the ex to request closure is just an EXCUSE FOR MAINTAINING CONTACT WITH THEM”.

and Real Closure Comes from Within, not from the other person. when a loved one DIES, you CANT get closure from THEM!!!!!!

so i liked that. requesting closure is an excuse to maintain contact with them. and thats exactly what i had done.

so that is good to know. look forward to reading this book moar.

of course every 25 year old woman is a Relationship Expert just because they have been with lots of guys, and they know that Closure is a Myth. but she didnt want to tell me that because i have to learn that lesson myself. fook that. i am 10 times better at relationships that her even though her longest rel is literally 20 times longer than mine.

it would have been interesting to study her relships though. thats why you ask them abotu it directly.

like so and so is dull and shows you know affection any more and you wish he loved you. well did he ever? what was he like in the first 6 months? did he take you on dates then and cuddle with you, or did he just sit around and grumble and drink and be very grumpy and inattentive to your needs? if so, why didnt you just bail like you did with me? well because she was in luv with him and not me, prob because he was moar masculine and manly.

so fookin stupid. worst pain in the world. like getting stabbed over and over in the heart all day every day for months and months and months. time for another 3.1 miler hahaha while i try to stop analyzing the stupid End Of The Relationship and Life Without Her, one of the most positive things in muh life, it was kind of a fantasy but kind of not, because i actually did know her! which made the luv more real, and the heartbreak more painful, and the way she did it more ridiculous.

also avoiding job search hahahaha. fook mah life hahahaha.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/getting-back-out-there/201506/when-the-person-you-love-doesnt-love-you

http://www.gettingpastyourbreakup.com/gettingpastyourpast/

this is the book website ^^ i trust JD’s moar than PHD’s, because lawyers are better communicators and bullshitters than professors hahahaha. i believe the bullshitters. nobody bullshits like a lawyer. this is why lawyers are not kissless virgins and can date gurls for longer than 3 months without getting dumped.

well she is a woman lawyer and this book and everything on it is clearly geared to women, but thats how damn emotional i get about these rels.

its also kinda REASSURING to see that WOMEN actually have love and heartbreak, not just me. i thought women were cold, calculating, nihilistic, soulless, cold, socipathic monsters incapable of love or heartbreak.

http://www.cmhc.utexas.edu/survivingbreakup.html

well my next thing is gonna be to adapt my stupid Interview File to this site, which is basically 10000 words of bullshit to say during your interview to convince them you are The Best Candidate for the 9DAH part time no benefits stressful customer facing job.

chastity monogamy and slut shaming by “the truth will live”

a cute young gurl who is also a “neo reactionary” right wing, which is the word for all the stuff ive been into for years. here she talks about how chastity and monogamy are good things. i should just watch this gurl if i want to fall out of luv with the other woman!!!

but be careful. “Neo Reaction” is primarily male dominated and im sure many of them are lonely because they cant find a decent nondegenerate woman, and this young woman will get MORE ATTENTION and Supplication than is healthy for any person to have. kinda like the Fake Nerd Girl that hangs out at nerd shit like comic cons and D&D and gaming now, because Gaming is Cool now, and young women have caught on that the top 10% of men here will be successful, money-making engineers, so women like Nerd Culture much more in the 10s than they did EVER before. those of us in our Early Thirties distinctly remember a time when nerddom and gaming was a 1000000% sausage fest and did not have one or two QT Gurls hanging around and doing SJW bullshit like sarkeesian and gamer gate and “COSPLAY IS NOT CONSENT.” good GOD. they just want ATTENTION and to be a CELEBRITY and to snag the top 1% of men in these cultures. same as it ever was hahahaha. so 99% of the men are huge neckbeard pee bottle mlady virgins, but the top 1% will be Successful Engineers making 40DAH and be a GREAT meal ticket for these women hahahaha. Security. So yeah i am ALWAYS suspicious to see QT Young Women entering a culture or movement.

(like i hope muh buddy robert stark does not get obsessed and fall in luv with this gurl! robert stark is great and awesome and he has already done TWO interviews with her? even though she has like 7 videos? dont do it rob! make her EARN it! I would be happy though if she did a longterm monog rel with robert, possibly marriage. and WHENEVER i say “marriage” or “wife” in this whole blog, realize i am not talking about Legal State marriage, which is Rigged to Screw Men. If you want to legally marry a woman, you have to trust her SO MUCH that she will not take advantage of this.)

also she kinda looks like woman3, one of the women i actually dated for 2 months. i do not know why i like obviously fake hair like that, where they dye brown hair blond. not blond highlights in dark hair, which i think looks horrible. but i still like brown hair fully dyed blond. wtf. that is like me admitting i like to be decieved and possibly cuckolded. that i like a fake and a phony and a liar and a cheater and a cucker.

so what SHOULD a woman do? uhhh be a nice person and stay at home with their family and not get into masculine stuff like internet subcultures and politics and such. young qt gurls can really turn men against each other in a very unproductive way, which would be horrible for the Neoreactionary Movement. but i think its been gaining momentum and size and would survive any Internecine Gurl Drama. i dont think i used that word right hahahahaha.

i mean nothing NEW here, we all know why chastity and monogamy are good…… but its so nice to see a pretty young woman SAY it and appear to believe in it.  shes not super articulate or a good comunicator but what woman is, hahahahaha, she is better than 90% of women hahahaha.

however less articulate women can still slut-SHAME, however, and this is a very good quality you should look for in your women.  they just don’t like sluts. good. that means they might not be a slut themselves. OR they dont like sluts because they themselves are ashamed of BEING sluts. watch out for that. well if they ARE sluts they SHOULD be ashamed…… but better to find a woman whos not a slut in the first place.

the susan elliott book has a good part about rumination. you might be sick of ruminating and obsessing, but try to see it as part of The Healing Process. like you NEED to Ruminate as part of Getting Over It. It’s better to Ruminate and Face It Head On, than ignore it and push it under the rug, like how your Ex dealt with you hahahahaha.

its like dont hide from the grief and pain, just stand in the middle of it like getting blasted by a firehose. and that’s kind of what the months of obsessive rumination are part of that same Getting Hosed With Pain constantly.

but its actually a GOOD thing and means you’re FACING it and slowly getting over it!

standing in the middle of the torrent, just getting blasted! the rumination is part of the blasting and should go away within 1 year of No Contact.

looks like muh book encourages no contact too, good. i agree no contact is a good way to be.

cuz all contact is really just you WANTING THEM BACK.

ok so you DO still want them back and you should not deny your feelings.

so ADMIT that, but DONT contact that, becuase that will bring just a NEW torrent of pain which you DEF do not need.

http://finance.yahoo.com/news/people-personality-type-most-likely-140119084.html

ISFP personalities are most likely to be unemployed, they cant handle jobs hahahaha

i thought i was an INFP but i am definitely close to this.

http://www.starktruthradio.com/

i found the yahoo article about Percievers being more likely to be unemployed because they are less conscientious. hahahaha i am very conscientious. anyway that was linked to from robert starks new website, in the post where he interviewed “the truth will live”.

good to see robert back, he used to be a top listen for me, but he never really had a great website of his own until now.

anyway i dont care about finding a nice right wing qt because any woman that gets that much into Political Thought is gonna be very hard to handle. better to have a nice sweet kind traditional woman who is right wing in her actions but does not waste a lot of time writing, thinking, youtubing, talking abotu it hahahaha. leave that to the men.  and the traditional conservative women can good wives to these men, and good mothers to their children.

i dunno maybe not. maybe i am generalizing.

but i guarantee if you had a neoreaction meetup with 20 Sexually Frustrated Guys, and 1 Cute Young gurl with similar political ideas, it WOULD get ugly and the guys would compete against each other and perhaps solid Male Friendships would get Ruined.

in essence there IS a kind of “owning.” you volunteer to be “owned” by your partner and she volunteers to be owned by you, in the sense that you elevate each other above the rabble, that they are SPECIAL to you, and that you don’t WANT to be with anybody else, sexually or emotionally, and you recognize there is a huge link between those two.

rather than “nobody owns anybody” and “everybody belongs to everybody” “mercenary” approach.

this is NIHILISTIC.

it promotes a view that human relationships and connectedness are interchangeable, disposeable, replaceable, and ultimately MEANINGLESS.

NIHILISTIC.

THEY BELIEVE IN NOTHING. (Lebowski hahahaha)

if they cant believe that sex and Love and Relationships mean anything……. for all Intensive Purposes (hehehe), they actually believe in Literally Nothing.

how can these people even get out of BED?

am i Catastrophizing Other People in general? maybe. people arent really THAT bad, i am just devastated because my Favorite Person became my Least Favorite Person and now i am in a world of pain.

but yeah i feel SHE was definitely being a bit NIHILISTIC about our Rel. by just throwing it away. you just dont do that when you KNOW a person for 2-3 years. even if youre having a rough patch. even if you dont love them back. you still treat them with a SHRED of respect and decency. i wasnt some random sex partner you have anonymous, soul-killing sex with after one night then throw away for being weird.

MY weirdness was not soul killing, and also it was kinda justifiable. this was kinda a big deal.

but ya know what? i am glad i confessed my feels, as bad as it turned out, rather than kept them bottled up, not said anything, pretended they werent there, wetn on with the CHARADE that there was no elephant in the room. i simply could not hide the truth any longer.

i think she HAD AN IDEA anyway, cuz of my signals. signals was the only route of communication she gave me, so i gave awkward ham fisted signals, like texting too much, writing emails about communication, calling her my favorite person, saying im afriad of losing you, mushy christmas cards of i appreciate you more and more and want to get closer to you, you are very important and speical to me, of COURSE she HAD AN IDEA. look at those signals i just listed. damn. of course she KNEW. thats WHY she was pulling away bit by bit until she was gone.

i certainly deserved better treatment! because i was not abusive to her. i had good reason to be pushy. and PUSHY IS NOT ABUSIVE!!!!!!!!

i was pushing to essentially save the relationship.

i was like the family members doing an intervention on her, and instead of accepting the gift, she ran out the door and never looked back and then died of drugs and broke her familys heart hahaaha.

how can you have a “debate” with 11 candidates on stage where they each get 1 minute to respond.

they should do more of a “brackets” thing or eliminations. i hope all the candidates went on charlie rose. most probably have, but of course nobody watches charlie rose. i am talking about substantive discussions with none of the interrupting and shouting on top of each other like happens on ALL the news networks.  all the chavs and plebs out there drinking beer and fornicating and voting hahahaha. muh unions hahahaha.

not sure if we have “CHAVS” in the US hahahaha. i basically mean plebs.

ok i am not losing weight OR really getting over this bitch hahahaha. no she’s not a bitch, she just did a very btichy thing TO ME and was a BITCH to ME. she will make a wonderful lovely wife to another lucky man and be a wonderful mother to their children and live happily ever after while i K muh self at age 45 hahahaha. one of THOSE guys.

this is not a true debate faggot. gtfo tv journalist scum.

but yeah call a woman a “BITCH” and suddenly youre the bad guy. i am expressing anger at the injustice and unfairness that was done to me by her. youre SUPPOSED to be angry at the person. i am not going to HURT her for gods sakes. she hurt me a lot more! i think i have earned the right to call her a BITCH!

THAT BITCH! hahahahaha

GET ANGRY, YOU SON OF A BITCHES!

bumping up the 1.4 mile walk to 1.8 miles. so the 2.8 miler or 3 miler becomes a 3.6 miler. 3 of those, get 10.8 miles.

so my goal was to get 10 miles. not just 9.4 miles or whatever. i mean i will need to get up to 12 or 14 miles to lose weight, like i did back in 2007 and 8 where i was walking 12-14 miles well not every day but several times a week.

also i wanted to do an average every day, well 6 days a week. instead of 10 miles one day then 5 miles next and alternating. would rather do 7.5 miles erry day.