sat sept 2

sheeeeeit MIGHT go to the fitness place today. saturday afternoon. its gonna be busy. theres gonna be arabs right next to me on the treadmill chanting, singing, praying, talking loudly in arabic. having loud annoying obnoxious phone conversations with other arabs. hehehehehe. arabs are fooking OBNOXIOUS. if they acted more like whites I wouldnt dislike them as much. white are generally not this obnoxious. in general. on average. they can still be plenty obnoxious. but i give them a little break because they are my people. there’s a race war on right now. every time a white becomes white trash, schlomo rubs his hands. and 95% of people dont know the JQ, so they just dont KNOW any better, and ignorance kind of IS a valid excuse.

anyway i would just go for 1 hour, use the treadmill, try to slowjog for 1 mile tops, listen to music and podcasts.

saturday afternoon. bet that woman is waking up next to her new boifran, all happy after being fooked hard and smoking tons of MJ hehehehe. good riddance. i still want her hahaha.

but i accept that will never ever ever ever happen. 100%. yearning for MJ is a much more realistic, doable thing. so i yearn for that equally hehe. this is really because i am socially inept. i literally don’t know anyone who can get me MJ, and i dont have the balls to seek people out. I asked the one person i could possibly ask, and that was a no unfortuantely.

i bet i could ask a bunch of people at planet fatness. all the arabs and albanians, a bunch of them def sell drvgs hehehehe. but i wouldnt trust them to give me a fair deal or to get what i really want (medium quality 1nd1c4 at a medium level price. medium, not high. medium is good enough for me, that i dont need to pay a premium for HIGH quality. medium is MORE than good enough, or at least it used to be, and i THINK it still would be.)

so yeah might do that at 1 o clock. but it will prob be busay at that time.

anyway. a few months ago the thought of her fooking and luving her new bf would have made me a lot more upset. and i would have wanted HER a lot more than i wanted MJ. but now they’re about equal hahahaha. i might even want MJ more hehehe.

granted, i dont want to RUMINATE or LINGER on the thoughts of her loving getting fooked and doing all sorts of degen with her new BFs. or just a string of casual guys.


yet she has no idea of The Arc Of History. No idea how Relationships Work. Is like a Baby with a Gun. Doesn’t understand her Reproductive Role and the Responsibilities that go with it. Doesn’t know how to communicate.

WRONG. she just didnt WANT to do any of that with ME. but with a SECSY masculine man, she was MORE than WILLING to do all of those things.

willing to hang out, willing to communicate, willing to sacrifice, willing to put herself out on the line, willing to go all in or even just half in, hahaha. willing to talk, willing to listen, willing to put yourself in the other persons shoes, willing to work, willing to make an effort, willing to change, willing to compromise. willing to go to a relship shrink hahaha. willing to end the rel in a sympathetic way.

willingness is SO important.

anyway im done with her waaaaaaaaaa i accept that,  and i have finally found somewhat of a job after Much Struggle, so…..i just want to buy a bag of MJ at a fair price plus maybe 15% tip/premium/finders fee hahahaha. maybe 20%. fine 20%. buy a 100$ dollar thing for 120$. buy a 150$ thing for 180$. COME ON. how can you turn that down.


well i did go to fatclub. used treadmill for 65 minutes. burned 426 calkories. it was surprisingly not too busy. didnt have to wait. there was a qt white girl near me wearing extremely tight pants that were painted on her ass. after a few minutes another qt white gurl got in front of me with extremely tight pants. this is just fooking NORMAL and they dont KNOW how SLUTTY it looks! they LOOK like theyve fooked 20+ guys, when they’ve really only fooked 10! it’s not fair to them hahahahahahahaha

yes there were some swarthy arabs and turks in there, pretty high percentage unfort, BUT on the whol the place was NOT packed, and that was my main concern. have not been there in like 7 months.

but yeah if a woman fooks 20 guys and doesnt even know their names, then yeah you are entitled to feel a little butthurt when she doesnt fook you. ok so you might not have the best of intentions but i GUARANTEE you have better intentions, on average, than some of the Tough Guys she fooks! they dont give a damn who they hurt! you at least would abide by the campsite rule! leave em as good as you found em! (tech its “leave em better than you found em.” little generous. my version is, leave em as good as you found em.

youre just lookin for some secs, you’re not trying to screw anyone over or lie to anyone. no lying or cheating or douchebaggery. just slam bam thank ya mam. i mean shit. if youre not an experienced chad normie thundercock, you’ll prob end up getting feelings for any qt gurl who fooks you even if you set out to NOT get feelings and just have casual secs like she does.

but yeah. did a slow jog at 5 mph for 1 mile. so that took 12 minutes. pathetic hahahaha. then “rested” for 5 minutes or so, then started focusing on incline, keeping it at 3.0 mph. the incline did not seem super hard until after like 8 degrees. it goes up to 15 max which is darn steep. i think i always had it on 1.0 because that is a good simulation of real life.

these women. secs. yeah. its FUN to them, but MEANINGLESS fun. like JERKING OFF is for you. when you watched porn, you didnt think of those porno whores as PEOPLE. that might make it more uncomfortable. well, normie staceys dont think of the chads they fook as people either. just pornography, this is their version of porn. and god forbid they ever confuse YOU with one of those fookable chads and you get lucky once.

you will feel wow this is so special, she will think wow this is fun, but i hope he doesnt get feelings, doesnt he understand what casual fun is? this is just chill fun. dont get feelings. its just sex. if he gets clingy, im dumping him. i dont need that.

so yeah i guess i resented women for being able to feel that way about sex. about PEOPLE.

believe me, if i were actually fooking the girls in the pornos, it would be alot easier to view them as PEOPLE. you have a sweaty naked body there staring you in the eyes, being all sweaty and stinky. how can you NOT see them as a person. a fellow human being. DAMN.

i was thinking, well, how many good friends have i had during my life. this is how close you should get to someone before you have SECS with them. get as close to them as you would a Good, Top Tier Platonic friend.

So how many of those have I had? quite a few, actually.

2 in grade school, maybe 3;

3 from high school;

a bunch during college. 6 or 7 or 8.

(so therefore we should expect that the normal woman has 8 secs partners during college. because I had 8 decent friends during that time.)

a couple after college, including That Woman because we were good friends before the shit happened. maybe 3 or 4.

so, maximum of 3 + 3 + 8 + 4 by age…..30 ehehehe. THEREFORE, its ok for women to have a max of EIGHTEEN sex partners before age 30.

yeah but i didnt have secs with ANY of these people hahahahaha.

ok lets say 17, because one of the grade school friends, i wasnt really friends with him any more by the time i Hit Puberty, ie, when people really want to become Sexually Active. Start noticing goyls and jerking off to pron.

i suppose if a woman knew their secs partners as good as i knew any of those 17 people……then i cant really be butthurt if they fooked them. because i knew those people pretty well, a lot more than what I imagine women know the men they casually fook.

so there. you are allowed a max n of 17 by age 30!

but i dont want age 30 women, i want age 25 women.

ok, so how many of those friends were by age 25 for me? vast majority. maybe 15. i really slowed down on the friendmaking after age 24, 25 or so.

Fifteen Partners by Age 25. I HAVE to allow it. shit that sounds like SO MANY though.

i was in church and there was an adorable, well-behaved, blond-haired Little Gurl near me. I felt a very Paternal, Fatherly Urge towards her. Like I want to PROTECT that Little Gurl and make sure no one hurts her. none of these degenerate BOYS who just want ONE THING.

and there was nothing secsual about it, thank god. i didnt want to molest or Touch or Fondle or Make Out with the Little Gurl. Those things seemed disgusting, as they should. however I felt that perhaps hugging or “cuddling” the girl might be appropriate insofar as the realm of Fatherly Protection and Comfort, like how a little girl would cuddle with her Father. I didn’t see anything inherently degenerate with that.

so then I thought about how Cuddling could be a completely nonsexual act. in that you could do it with people you are not sexually attracted to AT ALL. well you can do it with just about ANYONE, really.

how about this. a dark net market for your local region, so you could essentially buy buy things and then have the person drop them off at a drop spot. stealth. rather than sending Stuff through the Mail. damn.

today i thought, if its impossible for me to luv women, and I REALLY want easy casual secs, i should look at like 45 year old milfs. would prob be easier to bang than 25 year old gurls. who are hard as fookin hell to bang. i need an easier mode. maybe 45 year old women are that mode. but theres a hell of a lot more bangable 25 year old women than 45 year old women! but they might like being a Cougar to a Younger Man hahahaha. not that I would be super young, like a 25 year old Cougar Cub is super young hahahaha.

this is why i d’nate 24 dollars a year to WEEV, so he can Engineer Software to tell white faces from black faces hahahahahahahaha. glad to see george feels in the comments hehehehe. because of this i think george is on the cusp of becoming one of us hehehehe. anyway i agree with weev that we need more pro hwyte, 1433 hackers and programmers and security types. it aint me babe, becuase i FOOKING HATE COMPUTERS. I FOOKING HATE THEM. as far as fixing problems with them, or figuring out how they work, i fooking HATE all that shit. i only like using working computers to use the internets. as far as coding and programming and networks and COMPUTER CAREERS, I HATE that shit. thats why i quit muh education in computers and never continued doing it for fun. BECAUSE IT ISNT FUN AT ALL.

jan 15

good cover of Best Ulver Song here, ol Winterfylleth has been Pinging on muh radar and they do a good version of the iconic song. not much change from original other than changing the lyrics to english. which i dont mind at all.

i think of them in same vein as SAOR, ie semi “pagan” stuff from The British Isles, but seems to be more blasts here. maybe wodensthrone would be better comparison. which is perfectly fine, i appreciate wodensthrone!

heh might get banned for muh inflammatory post on jan 15 hahahaha. i was turning a corner here. from complete despair and sorrow over that woman, to having a little more energy, and anger, little hwyte boi rage hahahaha, and also i was getting back to muh racial roots thank god. that whol debacle took my focus away from where it really matters, ie my people. was so obsessed with HER I couldnt even think of MUH PEOPLE.

heres the next most recent winterfylleth album, sounds pretty good. the main criticism im seeing is that they are “samey” and “boring”, and i could see that happening, but they present a very hwyte, beautiful, awesome   A E S T H E T I C nonetheless.

dnated 5 feckin dollas to the lawyer who defended WEEV and now weev has put out a call to donate to this guy. heh i wont dnate any more but when weev vouches for the guy, that is good enough for me. i look at it as giving a tiny token for keeping weev out of prison for life. i mean he already went to prison. thinking this lawyer was key in helping get him OUT of prison.

the ol legs are a bit sore from the activity i put them thru yesterday. so i will take it easy today.

maybe we SHOULD “PRACTICE” on milf sluts. is it easier to be Confident around a 45 year old milf slut, that around a 25 year old Young Slut?  I think maybe. good chance. good hypothesis. I actually do like this idea. obviously the trick is finding a 45 year old woman who still looks good. probably the ones that do, have a vastly overinflated sense of self worth. just like the 25 year old ones hahahahahaha.

made muh famous Beef N Bacon Chili. it is packed with Protein and Fat hahahahaha. 2.25 lbs of beef, about .75 lbs of bacon (12 oz package), 2.5 cups tomato sauce, 1 cup salsa, 30 oz of beans hahahaha.

trimmed beard to level 2, have been meaning to do that. i was surprised at how much it trimmed off. do this more often so i dont look like a slob. be thankful i have a NEW JOB where i am allowed to have a NEATLY TRIMMED beard. so keep it NEATLY TRIMMED. thankfully it didnt look TOO bad before this.

did i not STRETCH properly yesterday? probably not. i stretched a LITTLE, but it was prob too little, too late.

i know ive linked this before but well worth linking again. very similar to winterfylleth, possibly even better. atmospheric and epic without being huge shoegazing pvssies. plenty of savage blasting. now with moar kvlt factor now that they are RIP. i dont usually like Full Bands but these guys do a good job. good drummer. good guitar playerz.

still think of that woman unfort. how i want to hold her sweaty pasty non potato body hahahaha and gaze into her eyes and have her smile at me and touch her for hours. how do you replace that feel. well women do it very easily. any man will do. i wish she had as fookin HARD of a time replacing ME as I am replacing her. people aren’t that god damn replaceable. they SHOUDNT be.


so yeah the “third season” of twin peaks IS happening, it IS directed and written by david lynch, and I SHOULD be legit excited for this.

watched some teasers, not much there, other than to hint DIS GON BE GOOD. pretty much all the main people who arent dead. angelo badalamenti is not dead and is doing music. david lynch is not dead thank GOD. but he does look old AF and i hope he’s quit smoking. he is absolutely ridiculous but he never sold out to the J’s as much as other holywood people hehehe.

maybe david lynch did something big in the past couple years and i missed it because i have not been paying attention to movies.

nope, nothing.

anyway i could see myself getting back into movies again. but its a lot harder to do Unpozzed movies or TV than unpozzed music because of all the damn (((people))) involved. theres ALWAYS a you know who in there.

but yeah. that woman. damn. i dont WANT to start something new with a new woman. i wanted things to work out with HER. we already HAD something. i dont WANT to find somebody new. the special feelies i had, they were for HER. and that we had built something together. and i got to know her nice and slowly over a period of several years, not some whirlwind clusterfook of meeting and fooking and dating and hanging out and breaking up and sorrow and jealousy and bitterness that starts and ends in a period of like 3 months, and you never really KNEW the person.

i dont want to go through that with anyone. i want to get to know someone gradually. like i did with her. there was really nothing SUDDEN there. except for the ending. i didnt except the Bottom To Fall Out as suddenly as it did. even me going from “no feelings” to “feelings” was a gradual process that started with me really Facing The Feelings, and considering the feelings. Giving the feelings a chance.

and the idea of meeting some 45 year old slut on tinder, banging her within 2 dates, i dont like when things begin like that. i dont like people who begin things like that. but i am increasingly open to the idea of casual sex with sluts. provided i dont GET feelings for them. i havent got feelings for a slut in like 9 years…..but funny things can happen when you hang out with or bang a gurl. it triggers feelings. that they dont get because theyve been through this SO MANY TIMES.

i luv these. see, it happens ALL THE TIME. male falls in LUV with their female friend. and I would argue, the closer of friends they are, the more likely he is to fall in luv with her. if they are “best friends”, then it’s pretty much 100% gonna happen. not if, but when.  NEVER FORGET THIS.

thankfully reddit did not tell him what an evil person he is. and many people say give yourself some space because when you have feelings , you are not ready to be just friends yet. NO SHIT. I thought this was common sense. yep he needs lots and lots of space.

hehehe well at least i am slightly better than that, i have had 10+ jobs in muh life hahahaha.  and I keep meticulous records of everything my fam gives me, and how much I give back to them, and I continually try to increase the % of what i give them hehehehe. cuz yeah i suppose fam is a bit enabling, but i feel appropriate guilt and shame imho and make a good faith effort to pull some weight and give back, plus if i were kicked out i would prob die or K self or have to suck dick, and its probably better to be a damn mooching neet than SUCKING DICK ON THE STREETS.



aug 31



put this in sidebar, i want to caputre the worst article ever AND a few hundred comments

nymag open marriage cuckoldry article by sonmore



here is the sequel / follow up with the man and his “wife.”

the first article is timeless, classic, godawful, and i will put it in the sidebar As A Ghastly Monument (Ruins of Beverast reference/credit.)

i might be moving Towards A New Cover Letter Hermeneutic where the new Way is really to hit them HARD with a Fully Tailored, Individualized First Paragraph that cups their balls and sucks their dick and appeals to their mission and demonstrates my passion for their company and how i can add value and increase profitability by specifically matching the requirements of the specific job, in the culture of this specific company, addressing these particular pain points, and why i am THE SINGLE BEST CANDIDATE out of millions, and this, and no others, IS my Dream Career.

in other words, REALLY step up my Tailoring of the CL. I tailor the CL a TINY bit, changing a few words or sentences each time. so, do more than that.

also, attempt to aim for the Average Salary of my state, and NOT the whole US, which is 28k, and my state is a LITTLE below that.

yeah 12 to 16 is a ridiculous range to give. i should just say 12 to 14.

or 12 to 13 hahahaha.

people who have college careers and make 40k + cringe at talk like this. they never mention numbers. i mention numbers ALL DAY.

yeah i guess i used to think it was VULGAR too. but now I just think its Keeping It Really Real. How Much Does The Market Say You Are Worth?

no its not the sum total of Who You Are…..but it DOES tell me a LOT about what Your Employer thinks you are Worth, and What Kind of Life you live, and probably the type of people you associate with.

(People tend to associate with people who make about the same amount of MONEY as they do. So I feel a little weird when people who make WAY MORE MONEY than I do, huge winners, invite me to hang out with them. Of course I accept the invitation graciously.)

so yeah fook this 15 dollars an hour bullshit. i am willing to pay my dues and make 13 dollars an hour like the people in muh subaverage state. those fancy phaggots in joo york and phag phagcisco can take their 15 dollars an hour and pozz each others assholes with it. besides in those cities it costs 600000k per month to live in a one room shack tiny house, and it costs 90000000$ for a package of ramen. no thanks.

if a man is complaining about COMMUNICATION all the time, and his wife/gf is never WILLING to COMMUNICATE, and she’s always SHUTTING ME OUT, and so DISTANT, and putting up a WALL, she has to be willing to COMMUNICATE, well then thats him signalling that HE has HUGE communication issues, he’s projecting, HE’S really the one who doesnt know how to COMMUNICATE hahahaha.

i was watching married at first sight and derek was complaining about his distant, unwilling, stubborn, bitchy horrible (but very bangable) wife, who simpyl would not give him a chance. he is kinda a douchebag but he had some GREAT points about communication, where I nodded my head vigorously and said YES. YASSSS. THIS. SO MUCH THIS.

and hes also right that she is no spring chicken at 33, but my god she has a very fookable ass hahahahahahaha. she has to be in the top 10% of attractiveness for 33 year old women. I would DESTROY her.

and this derek is a pretty masculine man too, i’m sure he would destroy her too, but thats how stubborn she is. she probably would have gladly let him destroy her 5 years ago. now im not sure what she wants. probably a total beta bucks sort of guy. she probably WANTS the total doormat that says anything you want hunny. but i have to wonder, who does she want For SECS, at this moment? she’s always gonna want the masculine guy for secs. so why not have secs with her masculine husbando derek?

unless she’s such a sleazebag that she needs TWO or more men. alpha fooks, beta bucks, and never the twain shall meet. i guess she’s never experienced a best of both worlds alpha who is masculine AND makes a ton of money. but  she’s hawt enough to pull such a man (albeit not necessary without sharing him), and doesnt she meet plenty of powerful men as a Stewardess? like the powerful alpha men in First Class and such?

so yeah i am most fascinated in this couple. then sonia and nick a distant second, and i dont really care about the third couple hahahaha.

basically a 33 year old woman with no children is guaranteed to be SUPER CRAZY. her body is telling her to have a baby RIGHT NOW BEFORE ITS TOO LATE and you have to keep that in mind. i guess its ok if you want to have a baby right now too. but its gonna be real hard to have MULTIPLE babies with this woman. she shoulda started having babies AT LEAST TEN YEARS AGO.

fulton sheen on difference between BAD, and EVIL.


hilarious first hour with moishe, not sure if florian mentions the sheen story in this one though

start at 1:47:00. this is exactly where florian makes the point about fulton sheen. this is probably the single best episode of nationalist review EVAR: a full hour of moishe being absolutely ridiculous, natt being natt, a bit by “degenerate dan”, a full discussion and reading of that horrendous nymag cuckold article, AND florian uses that to introduced sheen’s point:

that a bad man simply does bad things, sins, like lie, cheat, steal, hurt, kill.

but a truly EVIL man actively and intentionally works to undermine truth, beauty, and goodness ITSELF. true evil seeks to portray vice as virtue. like the cuckold husband who does disgusting mental gymnastics to portray his cuckoldry as True Luv for his wife. true evil just makes a disgusting mockery of truth, beauty, and goodness.

i didn’t actually hear sheen’s actual story, just florian describing it. but i’ve seen plenty of sheen, and he is pretty badass, and the more i hear of florian, the more i like/luv him. he is possibly the new fulton sheen for 2016 alt right. and he is a very young man, like 23 years old. AND he is in seminary to become a catholic priest. AND he is alt right and joo wise and insanely, autistically smart. AND he has created a better joo character than morrakiu, with moishe the mossad handler.

ok florian is definitely in contention to be man of the year 2016 hahahahaha. i sort of wish he wasn’t becoming a priest so he could have white children. but I like the idea of a 1488 catholic priest too.

shit i would say become a priest and have children ANYWAY. let them kick you out.

actually i think you can become a priest AFTER you have children.

florian should def have children. but I very much appreciate him being a MAN OF GOD.

his regular voice is a little autistic, but he is SUCH a great awesome guy it doesnt even matter. this guy is SO good.


so yeah. listen to that whole episode. if its not SHUT DOWN by the time this post posts. im downloading that shit again.

the best thing ive heard lately that isnt the fatherland hahahaha. well it does have ryan from the fatherland and i luv him too. great, great men. I would LUV to go to a trs convention and meet these guys.


millennial woes on the new daily shoah!!! (100th episode!) NOICE!! I hope he uses some N words and K words and F words and such and isnt such a nice guy hahaha. i dont think hes even been on the shoah before. ITS ABOUT TIME.

sept 1

had weird dream that i was a Rookie Police Officer just starting out, getting On The Job Training from the guys, and I was very quickly On The Verge Of A Nervous Breakdown, and was very anxious like, whoa guys, i think i’m in over my head, i don’t think im TOUGH ENOUGH to handle this, maybe i’m not cut out for this job, maybe I should quit, I mean really, I dont have it in me! you need a tougher guy!

and the guys were all tough but also generally in favor of me not quitting I think, or they would disrespect me as an inferior pvssy if i quit, and were like, yeah its tough at first, but you just gotta TOUGHEN UP, gotta TUFF GET GOING, gotta not let it bother you, power through it, etc and other platitudes.

i think for most Cops though there is better training than what i experienced in the dream. like when you pay 20 grand to go to Police Academy, that’s where they train you for like 12 weeks hehehehe on all the aspects of being a Cop.

also cops get ongoing paid training because of like lawsuits and shit. peoples lives are at stake, its one of those jobs, like doctors and nurses and shit. lives are in your hands. people could die, and that means million dollar lawsuits, thus you implement official training pogams to Cover Your Ass.

unlike some companies where you dont need to cover your ass so much, and you can Screw and Joo customers with impunity, so it DOESNT MATTER if your people are trained. and the advice from management is, do what you need to do to get them on their way and make/save time and money.

thankfully i never had to Upsell Add On Products and shit. but the employees I was Supporting sure did. and they were generally as poorly trained as we were, and there they were talking to the ACTUAL customers. pressured by THEIR managers to try to sell the customers shit they REALLY didnt need, and also not understanding the products. yet trying to sell them. to people who didnt need them. when the products themselves were overpriced shady bullshit that were thoroughly jooish to the core. buy this extra advanced warranty goy. just in case. only 50 dollars more. just in case of a worst case scenario.

also the company was in general, dying. there is talk the company will be sold. but its a publicly traded company with shareholders. can you have a reverse IPO where a once public company becomes privately held again? i guess you can do esoteric shit with stock buybacks or stock splitting or something.

i guess theoretically the stock price could go SO low, and then there are Equity Firms who might gobble up a Majority Ownership of the company.

i dont know, I don’t have an MBA, I only have like 25 credits of Business Classes, hahahahaha.

which is more than Average, 13 dollar an hour normies have!

but you can also get an ok business sense from working at a company for a few years and just talking to people.

at my company, there was tons of rumors and speculation, among the more savvy people like me, that were even interested in speculation about why was the company doing this, rather than being like idk ikr lol weed lmao.

people like me who were frustrated and wanted to understand why the company and our department was such an egregious, backwards, shameful, disorganized, mismanaged clusterfook, and how it could be improved. well, more training, more actual legit experts who knew what they were doing, more time and money, more quality people actually improving actual quality, more testing, more actual listening to customers, much better executive management who understood the importance of IT as being more than just a Cost Center, etc.


but yeah its just horribly frustrating to have an angry, stressed person pushing you to fix their problem, because youre supposed to be the expert, fixing problems is your job, and you have no idea what you’re doing, and you look like you don’t know what you’re doing, becuase you really don’t, and you can’t appeal to a Subject Matter Expert in a way that is actually useful for either you or the customer. Most customers would be jsut fine if you said, wow, this is a pretty complex problem, here’s Joe Flabeetz, he’s been here for 2 years and really knows what he’s doing, Joe is great. its much worse when you say, i dont know what to do, let me talk to Joe, and then you “talk” to Joe in a shitty chat room where he is helping 20 other lost souls like you, telling you stuff that doesnt make sense. then you go back to the customer and try to do that thing, and explain it.  NATURALLY, UNDERSTANDABLY, they wonder, can’t you just get Joe over here? he clearly knows what he’s doing, you clearly don’t, so just get him on the case.

but one does not simply just get a SME on the case. because they are just as busy as we are and are not gonna escalate a case without a fight.

you could probably turn newbies into SME’s quicker with REGULAR TRAINING. but again, thats millions of dollars for people who want to get out of here ASAP anyway. or they can just go mad and snapquit like me hahahaha.


the company can afford to not support their employees, shit they can afford to some extent to provide shitty, overpriced, screwjob jooish service to their customers. anything you can get away with. no exchanges, no refunds. all sales final. don’t like it, complain to the better business bureau bitches. don’t like it, do this shit yourself or go to our competitors.

see thats going too far though! why would you knowingly push your customers towards your competitors?

AND THATS WHY THE COMPANY IS FAILING. it used to be a successful, reputable company. now it is a sinking ship and more people can’t ignore that.

so yeah, i think a large part of why my experience was SO NEGATIVE was the culture of the company, being a large “big dog” old school company that was starting to fail on a massive scale. i mean they will implement retarded changes on a daily basis, yet be so Entrenched that they wont implement the actual Radical change needed. just do stupid spazzout bandaid fire putout bullshit. nothing meaningful, nothing that is good for the long term. short term only.

heh. that woman didnt care. she was just like go with the flow, dont let it bother you, dont bother me about it, i dont care, idk lol, dude weed lmao.

i mean women are not well equipped to have logical, sensible, reasonable, insightful thoughts about Business anyway……… but with all these educated women in careers, i think they can at least go through the motions of talking about business.

well, we did not have alot of those type of women in our department hahaha.

so i’m saying i prefer a more business savvy woman?

NO….i don’t even prefer a more intelligent woman. shit she was intelligent ENOUGH. i think she COULD have been taught to be more business savvy, not that she needed be…..

sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeit, really I just wanted her to talk to me more, be nicer to me, and just have a HALFWAY decent conversation about Our Jobs and Our Company!!!!!!! don’t you have an OPINION on this retardation! it affects you as much as it affects me! and she probably DID have an opinion! she just didnt want to talk to me any more. and i was very upset about that. her withdrawing from me and building a huge wall.

so yeah that was deffo the root issue hahahaha.

and I was very frustrated because I was aware of that root issue, and trying to resolve it, and getting NOWHERE, because I needed cooperation and willingness from her, and she refused to get it.

lets meet, lets sit at the table together, talk, and try to MAKE A DEAL. lets negotiate and compromise and both leave unhappy hahahahahahahahaha. and i was sitting at the table all day waiting for her to show up, and she just no called no showed the whole time.

so yeah that why i was very upset hahahaha.

dont just say dont let it bother you. get a thicker skin. believe me I would love to.

now, I had great conversations with a couple of my male friends at the job, and we all should have been promoted to level 3 and never have to take a call ever again hahahaha. make 18 bucks an hour hahaha.

i wasnt asking her to be as insightful as us, i just wanted her to give SOME effort into thinking about this. i mean it was stupid NOT to have righteous indignation over it, and to just say dont let it bother you, and smoke MJ. you can smoke MJ and still have opinions about this ridiculousness! and partially i was JEALOUS of her ability to DISCONNECT from the job like that, do it so Coolly, yet still miraculously do a “good” job and be liked by everyone. well yeah she was a likeable person hahahaha.

ishould probably give agalloch a second try. should i listen to the above album or “the mantle.” i was torn. i went to youtube and tried to compare the Productions, which one sounded better. they both sounded pretty close but maybe this one has a 5% stronger guitar sound. also, i technically tried listening to “the mantle” like 4 years ago and i was like, yeah this is ok, but i guess im not in the mood for something like this.

i guess now at least i am in the mood to give them a try again. i guess i want something thats like beautiful atmospheric black metal, but very melodic and very easy to listen to, with immediately catchy riffs and melodies and songs. but without being so NEW that it gets TOO much into “post rock” or “blackgaze”. something old enough that it was around when I was young and actually interested in music. the mantle came out in 2002, which is right in my wheelhouse yearwise, this one came out in 2006, when i had stopped caring about music, well, thats not true. i recall i was keeping up on the current work of katatonia and goatwh0re. but not being super duper into it, or into anything. lots of drinking. damn. increasing amounts of drinking. stupid. i stopped caring about new music, or music in general, some dark days.

so 2002 was really a much better year for me music wise than 2006…..but ive already heard a bit of the mantle, and if i like ashes against the grain, i’ll try the mantle. also the mantle is like 68 minutes long, which is way too long for an album. ashes is 59 minutes. still way too long, but better than 68.

and of course in 2014 and much of 2015 i was not interested in music so much either, because worrying about the job, or i was devastated by my loss and failure hehehehe. so i guess ive rebounded to a kind of peak right now of interest in music, as in trying to find NEW music, which is remarkable, cuz much of the time i like to Build A Wall and say yep ive got more than enough music thank you, dont need any new stuff. there’s nothing good left out there. its all hipster phaggot degenerate bullshit. theres plenty of stuff  from before 2000 i havent listened to yet.

and its FINE to close the ranks and circle the wagons….but i dont want to do that more than half of the time. i would always like to be SOMEWHAT open to new music.

and agalloch i think is right in line with stuff that i have enjoyed. like when i was young i enjoyed opeth a lot, i still enjoy their older stuff, and i have always enjoyed “in the woods….” a norwegian sorta black metal group from the 90s that was atmospheric and progressive and avant garde when those things werent NEARLY as cool as they are now.

heh like the other day i wanted to listen to hammerfall and i only ended up listening to the first two songs on the album. and that album was only like 40 minutes. perfect length.

went to jcpenneys. it was a mixed bag. i had high hopes.  saw some beautiful high school girls in there with their Moms for Back 2 Skool shopping. nothing wrong with a 35 year old man ogling 16 year old gurls hahahahahaha.  at that age you really want to Protect and Provide for them, and you would Happily swear an oath to their Faithful Fathers that you would not bang them until they are 18, or if the father really wanted grandchildren, then you could have him sign off for age 17, and you would promise to not frivolously divorce her hahahahahaha. and she would promise to not frivorce YOU really.

so yeah you dont look at the beautiful 16 year old gurl and say “yeah id like to pump and dump that trashwh0re, ride hard and hang them up wet” the way you would say about a 30 year old skank. you say “damn i wouldnt mind MARRYING that gurl and having her be the mother of my children. Assuming she’s not ALREADY a huge slut. Let’s have a talk with her father.”

90s and 00s metal. that was my thing. i’m not sure i even lasted 10 good years. but 1996 to 2003 for sure might have been my best years.

in terms of The West, those were not great years. especially 96 to 2001 hahahaha. the late 90s was the high of nihilism and decadence and degeneracy where shit was probably just as bad as it is NOW, except people were more despairing. shit was BAD, although things werent AS Sexualized, and attitudes about Gays were definitely a bit better. but there was nothing to hold onto. there was no alt right. there was no hope for the youth, which i was one. the music was especially shitty. it reflected the nihilism and lack of general quality perfectly. stuff like groove metal and nu metal and korn. well at least there was a ton of catchy alternative pop type stuff. i shoulda got into that more at the time.

there seemed to be much less red pilled young people then. people were not waking up fast enough.

and i do think 911 in 2001 was a bigass paradigm shift, the beginning of a new era, a time of awakening. the sleeping nihilist giant awakens and then stumbles around in confusion for about 10 more years hahahaha. trying to shake off that nihilism and sense of no purpose. trying to figure out what was going on and what to do about it.

for me at least, the internet did not become a HUGE thing until after 2000. from like 98 to 00 we used slow dialup shit and i was already a degenerate, looking at jooish filth and actually reading Erotic Stories. which I guess is slightly less jooish. playing doom and quake. writing ridic stories of me finding a Nice GF and having a traditional monog longterm rel at age 15 hahahaha. see, my main goal was not degenerate.


hahahaha i have been looking at these goddamn RYM lists for like a month straight trying to find the perfect album to listen to

like here is the best metal (incl all subgenres) for the 90s.


you can also put in an exact year like 1996 hahahahahaha

also i wanted to say that listening to the daily shoah for the first time in a while (well i did listen when fatherland jim guest hosted a few weeks ago), is that i must remind myself not to forget how powerful mike enoch is. i mean he is really smart and just says the most interesting, smartest, most awesome things. i guess its easy to forget because his voice is ridiculous and he sounds like seth roganblatt. but the things he says are just amazing. here he is doing a 80 hour work week, hasn’t had time to read the news or do anything but work his tech job, and he comes onto TDS and is pretty high energy and very very solid and convincing in the things he was saying, just having very very good conversations where he is contributing most of the quality.

not to crap on seventh son or special guest millennial woes, but yeah this is enoch’s show and he is very very good at what he does. needs to trim down the number of people so he can dominate the conversation any more. him, SS, and MW would have been ideal.

heh i saw my confirmation email for applying to a part time job, and thought OH NO THATS THE FASTEST REJECTION EMAIL EVER!! and then laughed when i realized it was just the CONFIRMATION email that they had received my application. awesome job though hahahahaha. 30 hours a week, 15 dollars an hour, right when i have officially announced that 13 dollars is my new goal, that 15 is out of my league hehehehe.

ITS OFFICIAL. MY PRICE HAS OFFICIALLY GONE DOWN TO 13 DOLLARS AN HOUR. THAT IS MY WORTH AS A HUMAN BEING. hahahaha. no silly, that’s just my worth to the MARKET of human beings!!!!!

at the gas station today I saw a white man arguing pretty rudely with the poor clerk making 9 hourly. i couldnt see the clerk because they were in this little glass booth. it was one of those gas stations that doesnt even have an inside, and the cashier is in a tiny booth/shack. there was a huge line behind this white guy who….i couldnt tell what was going on. it sounded like he was getting charged 36 dollars when he disputed it and thought he should be charged 26, and he wasn’t gonna pay a penny more. he was maybe early 30s and had a stupid mohawk like haircut and tattoos all over his arms. good job. i really hope the clerk was not white, but even if they WERE nonwhite, they didn’t deserve this kinda treatment, and I was a bit ashamed that a fellow white man could be such a dickhead to a poor miserable gas station clerk. Whites are supposed to be Polite Customers. its blacks and arabs who are Asshole Customers.

I thought about going up to the clerk and apologizing hahahahaha. well, not apologizing, but sorry you had to go through that. I know you weren’t trying to do anything wrong. he was way out of line. he’s an asshole.

go get your manager. uhhhh the managers not here today. i’m not sure when he will be back. i can’t do anything for you. well then call the manager right now. i want to talk to him right now. uhhhh he doesnt give employees his phone number. well who do you call if its an emergency? meanwhile there is a huge line of people who just want to prepay for their gas. i avoided all this because i paid at the pump with a card hahahahaha.

mike enoch does not get all super intellectual either. he just gives real talk, absolutely no bullshit, no jerking off. he says like and dude a lot but unlike with most people who say these words a lot, it does not make him sound unintelligent. he is real good at talking to people and just great verbal intelligence on this goy hahahaha. this is the guy you want talking for you. real convincing salesman. but not in a bullshit dishonest way. he needs to quit his job and spend all his time talking and networking and meeting with people. he is a real good people person and communicator.

i wonder what the hell he did before TRS. I guess he had a big libertarian phase and did a lot of 4chan. dont quote me.

listened to the first 2 songs of the agalloch album, they were pretty good. decent production. a blast beat would be nice. also the black metal vocals are pretty unimpressive and really dont seem to fit. something a bit deeper, or alternately, a DSBM or old burzumy scream would be better. the corny clean vocals are better.

uhhh seems to be plenty of “melodic doom” in the vein of old katatonia going on, that i wasnt really expecting, but i guess i’m not surprised, and i am not disappointed either.

overall, very melodic, very very, not super opethy unless you think of an alternate opeth where they continued in the vein of their first two albums…….which is not a problem for me!

but now i have a damn melodic doom katatoniaish song stuck in my head and I don’t know what it is!!!!!!!!!

it has a catchy mournful weeping guitar melody.

it is pretty brave murder day ish, but i dont think its from that album.

it could be from the first october tide album, but i dont think so.

and i’m not sure what else it could be.

sept 2

you know i think it might be beneath the rain or whatever that doom band from portugal with the guy from morgion singing.  on their second main album.

before the rain?

YASSSS there is is, aroun 20:23, actually that motif is all throughout this song “shards” and it repeats a lot, but i was particularly thinking of the higher octave guitar going into the “weeping” range hahahaha.


yeah the album is a little long but it has a great production and great style and is pretty underrated and i only found it because i am a big morgion fan.

fooking rate your music lists really interferon with muh job search hahahaha.

fook working for a living like an honorable white man. i am just gonna become a black ingra hahahaha.

yeah i dont want to pedestalize That Woman too much. it’s VERY GOOD to remember I have been Decent Friends with, I have been CLOSE TO OTHER WOMEN before. she doesnt STAND ALONE. I had at least two pretty good female friends where we were decent friends for like approx 2 years. talking freely, being comfortable with each other.

yeah i never fell in LUV with them but thats NOT THE POINT. well, yes and no. yeah that was the one thing that differentiated that woman.

but i never want to lose sight of the fact that i have gotten close and friendly with OTHER women. NOT JUST HER.

rejection email THREE MONTHS after applying for job. the spreadsheet did not even exist until 2 months ago.

entry level position at big well known company, great job, but 95% of its postings are for Senior Level Engineers.

ANYWAY. when you fall in LUV with a woman you FEEL closer to them. it’s a fantasy, its all in your head, but i don’t like describing it like that, thats misleading. because it’s VERY real for YOU. YOU ACTUALLY ARE very close to THEM……………………………but THEY are not nearly as close to YOU. by saying its all in your head, it mocks the realness, truth and beauty of your Luv. so, I wont do that.

like when i fell in luv with women i didnt even KNOW. OF COURSHE i FELT close to them, even though I didn’t even KNOW them!

the DIFFERENCE this time, was I fell in luv with someone I ACTUALLY KNEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and still, apparently, I didn’t know them well enough!

but yeah i MUST NOT think of myself as some WEIRDO CREEPER ALIEN who CANT get along with women, because I have become close friends with OTHER WOMEN THAN JUST HER.

I just never fell in LUV with any of them, so thats why That Woman was such a big deal.

went to jcpenney and found some great nike revolution 3 running shoes. but they did not have the size in the color i wanted.

so then i went to zappos and ordered the size for about the same price. i hate the idea of ordering SHOES online, but technically i HAD already tried on a pair of the same style of shoe, just a diff COLOR. and i wasnt gonna back down here.

interestingly enough, i was aiming to replace a pair of Revolution 2 which i had bought 2 years ago and are now falling apart and completely worn out. i guess i am a Nike Revolution man. so I should look for the Revolution 4 in 2 more years.

man those one year at a time charts on rym are great. i can see all the albums I was enjoying at the time, ANDDDDDDD see all the ones from that time period that I missed. there was a ton of good stuff in those years that i missed because i was a teen listening to groove metal hahahaha. no i liked half good stuff too, some black metal. i have been a black metal fan for TWENTY YEARS hahahahahahahahahaha. well, maybe 19.

just tell these antiwhite k1kes in interviews that ive been spending the last 14 months looking at black metal charts on RYM hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha but i havent been smokin any MJ ya k1kes!

not that you should be PROUD about smokin MJ. its for degenerates. its INHERENTLY DEGENERATE.

its TERRIBLE that I still want to do it. that I still want to do it WITH HER. goddam degenerate DEVILS CABBAGE.

if anyone speaks glowing of MJ, publicly humiliate them! and then go smoke it privately hahahhaha.

i really hate successful people who make like 30k a year who say i can smoke MJ and I’m a successful productive member of society! I’m happy with my life and my job and I am a successful family man! and I make 30k a year!

comment sections of news articles on legalizing mj and all these pro-legalization types saying shit like that.

well i am pro legalization too, but more of the “conservative libertarian” way, rather than Have Big Govt Regulate and Tax Tax Tax it! but let each city decriminalize it.

i mean I just imagine all the tax money being wasted anyway, like the 200 million in tax revenue colorado got from MJ. it will just be wasted on public skools in black ghettos hahahaha where the money wont do any good. or paying teacher administrator pensions hahahahahaha.

it wont go to fix shitty roads, it wont go to more police and ems in black crime ghettos, or blight cleanup, or anything useful like that. thats where your MJ tax money will go. just like alcohol and tobacco tax money.

so yeah dont tax it. save the money to build up MJ production companies hahahaha. or even small time MJ producers in the cities where it is legal.

well companies are STILL gonna drug test for jobs anyway, that practice has not changed even in colorado, in fact its probably gotten even more prevalent! cuz now theres more lazy ingrish potheads out there who would make terrible workers hahahaha.

i am being partially facetious since i always try to work my hardest even if i am using MJ afterwards.

but maybe i am just a shitty worker but i think i am a good worker.

i mean shit, i can’t handle the bare minimum at muh old job! my best was worse than their worst! hahahahaha.

NO, that’s not entirely true. for a good long while I was good and getting better. establishing a reputation for excellence. might have even been promoted in 2 more years, hahahahaha, for a company that never promotes from within!

(i of course dont want to work for a company that doesnt promote from within hahahaha)

because hiring outsiders for upper level jobs is a YUGGGGEEEEE red flag of a shitty horrible company. run dont walk.

applied for great job at Dream Employer University, but its 36k. when my skills are only worth 26k hahahaha. isnt it a waste of 25 minutes to apply for this?

i found another one that pays 15 an hour. much better. but still out of my league hahaha.

in fact the jobs that pay 13 an hour, aka 26k a year…..dont usually even list their pay. they just say nothing.

so i guess the lesson is, always apply for the jobs that dont list a number, because that number is probably low enough to be closer to your actual worth.

but still. why not just list the god damn pay for ALL jobs, from 10 dollar an hour to 40 dollars an hour jobs, so people that think the pay is too low, wont even apply.

unless they are trying to overreach and get people who would normally be “too good” to apply????

well that’s not what I do, i apply for 12 and 11 dollar an hour jobs if they seem chill/easy or I like the company.

anyway the 15 an hour job would be GREAT. like 5 miles away, full time office job, for satellite campus of bigass university that probably takes average care of its employees with 401k, health care, and at least 13 an hour wage hahahaha. 9 to 5 hours, weekends off, the works. real solid family man stuff. no joke.



june 5


oh wow found technician job with large manufacturer which the previous generations all started wokring with as soon as they were 18, worked 40 years, raiased white families. now to get a job there you have to be a damn super engineer with a great attitude hahahaha. and above average engineering school performance hahaha. gone are the days of working on the LINE for 40 hours a week and making 20 dollars an hour for tightening a screw, and getting fat and drinking on lunch break and having kids in the white suburbs and getting drunk all weekend hahahahaha.

yesterday i learned that the sleeping stuff in nyquil might be correllated with dementia hahaha. the md doing the study recommends not taking it regularly at all. like me taking it several times a week hahaha. might even take it tonight!


heh. i guess evalion is a wh0re, she broke this little betabois heart. hahahah stay away from wh0res.

any 18 year old cute white gurl who likes showing her face and body on youtube, getting youtube orbiters and fans, and she talks about nazi 1488 stuff…..totally crazy. would mudshark. would cheat and cuck you. should be treated like any other degenerate wh0re: shamed, shunned, avoided, and forgotten. find a GOOD woman, not a SHITTY woman.

yeah just dont trust any woman on youtube saying gas the k1kes. ok i dont mind wife with a purpose, because she doesnt say gas the k1kes, shes like 40 years old, and has 5 kids, and has been with her husbando like 20 years.


well daily stormer isnt private yet i dont think.

oh look the ingredient in nyquil isnt the same one in bendryl which causes dementia.

so i dont WANT a gurl like evalion the mudsharking narcissist sociopath bipolar borderline camwh0re. i want a gurl like That Woman wawawaawawa.

and if i had been a stronger healthier more well adjusted man, i could have had her. but i was too weak and she lost all respect for a weak man, AS SHE SHOULD. As All Women DO : Weak Men Don’t DESERVE women, let alone GOOD women.

if i had been better, stronger, more manly…..then i could have KEPT her. I wouldnt have pushed her away with my weakness, and I would have had a good white wife to have beautiful white children with, and we would luv each other till def do us part hahahahahaha.

because women are not like regular adults. they are somewhere between a child and an adult. closer to a child tbhfam hahahaha. and its just bad when an adult leans on a child. the child cant support an adult during the adults time of need.

june 6

had dumb dream with THAT WOMAN, well its been a few days so i guess i can expect 5 straight days of dreams with her hahaha. in this one i saw her and she was civil to me but also cold and emotionless. i was seething with anger below the surface and being very passive aggressive right off the bat. possibly she was Going Back To School. She talked about how she was doing great with her Husband. Oh, your HUSBAND? I didnt know you got married. Well, he’s not my husband yet, havent had the wedding yet.

then she says he works at this place I was at earlier in the dream where I was assisted by a very friendly normie alpha male who was mixed race. But he had strong white features and was tall and strong and quite handsome, except he had mocha brown skin and frizzy hair. He was very friendly and charismatic and confident. Seemed like a decent guy.

I described the guy and she said yep thats him!!!!!!! squeeeeeeeee!!!!!!! And I thought, well it figures she is in luv with a nonwhite hahahaha. but he actually seems ok and is more of a real man than me.  he is going to college to become a NURSE.

10 years ago I would have thought this was gay, but now I respect it. If you get a BSN degree, you can go far in life. ANd it takes a dedicated, hard working person to do that, and usually a moral person too. I know there is a stereotype about nurse women being batshit crazy, but I think the ones doing the more “hardcore” nursing of the BSN are….well they’re still crazy, but I think they are more moral too. not dirty pill popping cheaters.

also the Previous Woman did a BSN and she became hugely successful and had a great work ethic and she was decent to me.

so her HUSBAND was on a good career path. her handsome, big, strong, mulatto husband she was head over heels in love with. she doesn’t do much but hang out with him, she really luvs him.

So you gonna invite me to the wedding? probably not uh? (i was so passive aggressive.)

then she started getting more angry and said NO, because you didn’t even lift a finger to try to stay friends with me, you made no effort to stay in contact with me, I figured you didnt want to be friends anymore,

then I exploded, wrong wrong! I was heartbroken because YOU threw me away like a piece of GARBAGE! I thought YOU wanted nothing to do with me ever again! I was putting effort in and begging you to put effort in, but you just ignored and blocked me!

she just rolled her eyes and said whatever, repeated her thing about me obviously not being invested in the relship, then she ignored me and looked back to her College Studies to indicate this conversation was over, and I was enraged hahaha.

i recall she looked sluttier in the dream and maybe had some tattoos, where in real life she didnt look like a slut at all, and had no tattoos.

so i was furious, and i was being blamed again. i wanted her to admit some responsibility. not blame it all on me.

there was an earlier part of the dream, after I saw her big tall strong handsome mulatto Husbando, then I actually saw her in some back office, where she was working peacefully near this other woman I went to grade school with, who I should have pursued because she seemed like a really nice gurl hahahahaha. when we were 12 and 13 years old.

somehow we were talking about religion of all things, and I was like, so you guys like MARY? The Blessed Virgin Mary, Mother Of God?

and they were both like, no, not really, don’t really care for MARY that much, I can take her or leave her, pretty indifferent tbh, no big deal, idk, ikr, lol.

and I was just dumbfounded at this casual attitude towards MARY. i thought it was kinda disrespectful and disgusting.

of course, only CATHOLICS put a huge emphasis on MARY. I imagine other christians just dont think about Mary much. but STILL. the womens attitude in this dream seemed more disrespectful than some protestant who doesnt think about Mary a lot.

maybe it symbolizes how I really like Mary and she is my role model for Women. so it REALLY rustled muh jimmies to hear women saying, yeah i dont really care about Mary. Cuz essentially Mary is my IDEAL WOMAN hahahahaha.

heh. if someone wants SPACE from you, its ALSO their responsibility to define that SPACE and tell you exactly what they want you to do or dont do. and not use it as an excuse to avoid you indefinitely and avoid talking about your mutual issues indefinitely.  thats not SPACE, thats RUNNING AWAY. dont RUN AWAY and call it NEEDING SPACE. you have to COMMUNICATE.

yeah you can push away someone who initially just wanted space……but taking the space and never communicating looks a lot liek running a way. fook looks like, it IS running away.

go ahead, take your SPACE…….but COMMUNICATE!!!!!!!

just because you have space doesnt mean you get to treat the person with SILENT TREATMENT and avoiding!

because you want to know whats going on and i wanted space, now YOURE the bad guy and I get to upgrade my Space to the Silent Treatment and Blocking you entirely!

you want space, youre gonna have to show some GOOD FAITH and give some sort of detailed statement. write me a damn two page paper. more than 5 sentences. be sure to include a time when this ends. stop hiding shit from me. i will give you space but you gotta tell the WHOLE truth.

un fookin believable. pay 5 dollars to get a PDF of my Official Transcript but then it EXPIRES after like 7 or 8 weeks. 50 days I think. WOW. JUST WOW. And now I can’t get back into my own fooking transcript that I paid 5 dollars for a fooking pdf.

well I dug up an “unofficial” transcript. damn.

heh. now I have a 10 page “PACKET” that includes:

long resume, long cover letter, list of references, 2 letters of recommendation, and now “unofficial” transcripts of university undergrad and “postbacc” 70 credits of “useful” business and “IT” classes at “College.”

sending this shit out for 10 dollar an hour jobs hahahaha.

maybe that woman is going back to skool to finish her bachelors degree so she can get a better job and doesnt have to work in a 15 dollar an hour call center the rest of her life hahahaha. while her mulatto husband gets a BSN and they are madly in luv with each other forever.


That’s another problem with these dreams. they are essentially more real to you than the reality, because this is all you get.

i just hate getting BLAMED FULLY for this. I dont mind sharing the blame. I will admit some responsibility. but i really want her to admit some responsibility too. don’t blame this ALL on me. im not even sure shes doing that. And I will NEVER be sure.

ooosh only 3 jobs applied today. looking at the jobs and feeling very low confidence. bad.

ok 4. with some “hip” outdoor company that asks what kind of music do you like on the fooking application. fooking phaggots. music is for DEGENERATE PHAGGOTS.  i was honest and told them the sick metal I listened to, because metal is now Cool and Gainfully Employed Millennials Like Metal, and also told them the Cool Guy Nonmetal stuff as well.


Bless you for being willing to be there for him and to stand by him during this tough time! It warmed my heart to hear that there are people like you in the world. Depression is such a big factor in the end of so many relationships, and so often, it seems like the depressed person is blamed for pushing the other person away, or expect the other person to “fix” them or “cure” them, etc.

And I am sure this does indeed happen! At the same time, however, I am a big fan of making an effort to solve problems, and making an effort to communicate about things, and to put in the work to improve a relationship, rather than just dumping a person and leaving them in the lurch. So I am glad you are giving him a chance, rather than saying “Not my problem! You’re too much to handle! I’m done with you!”

BUT severely depressed people CAN be overbearing on their partners! And I think he is responsible for communicating with you. I have a pet peeve about silent treatment. I hate people ignoring and avoiding me. You can have space, but don’t try to avoid me indefinitely. I can’t read your mind. (I guess I am speaking to someone who recently hurt me by dumping me using avoiding and the silent treatment.)

Anyway, I am the world’s biggest fan of communication, and that would clearly be a very important thing to do here. But how do you make someone communicate, who doesn’t WANT to communicate, when you are very much wanting to communicate with them?!?! I wish I could tell you. I had the same problem. It seems like the classic “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink.”

So maybe let him know you will be there for him, but you are really worried, and starting to become frustrated, and you would really appreciate if he communicated with you after X days of “space.”

I don’t have a problem with needing space, but when the other person uses “space” as an excuse to avoid communication indefinitely……that infuriates me! And “space” is NOT a valid reason to avoid communication indefinitely. Ideally, the person who wants space, would also agree to communicate throughout the period of space, and also agree on a firm date when the “space” would come to an end.

I wonder if he would be willing to write you emails while he is having his “space?” I am a big fan of writing emails because a lot can be said in them. Important stuff that one might be too nervous to say face to face. Sometimes I get so emotional or afraid that I can’t say what I want to say, how I want to say it. So I prefer writing the person a long letter or email. Maybe he would be willing to do that. He’s got to be willing to do SOMETHING. Maybe he’s not strong enough to “meet you halfway”, but if he can’t meet you at least 1% of the way, then the relationship becomes totally one-sided.

I know if I were having problems with a loved one, I would be desperate to do whatever it took to keep them from leaving me, hahaha. I really don’t like being left, haha. But something like making an appointment with a therapist and having a group meeting, so the therapist can ideally help communication between both parties. Of course, me being willing to do this still wasn’t enough to keep the other person from leaving me. If they want to leave….there’s nothing you can do to stop them.

Sorry, that sounded terrible! I am just coming out of a relationship where the person was not willing to put in any effort, and I was willing to do whatever it took to save the relationship. They left me, and I was ridiculously devastated for months.

Anyway good for you to be willing to make some effort during the tough times, but also try not to let him have power over you with his silence and stubbornness. Easier said than done I know! Maybe he would be willing to write you emails and to give SOME kind of meaningful communication while he is having his “space.”

Good luck and please keep us posted!


woman dealing with her desparing boifran, who has clammed up and wants space and she wants to support him but he wont talk, and she is afraid and frustrated. I was just glad she was WILLING TO PUT IN EFFORT and didnt just say pffft fook this shit ima find a stronger better man, this should be all fun all the time. a woman willing to STAND BY HER MAN through GOOD TIMES AND BAD. that is a damn beautiful thing.

i dont want to get in a rel with anyone because i cant imagine WANTING to get in a rel with anyone but HER even though i havent seen her in 11 months hahahaha.

i can envision banging sluts though. casual hangouts. this IS degenerate  but its 6000000 times more degen for the women than the men. i dont need to tell YOU why, but I do need to Mansplain to Women: Because Women Can Get Preggers!

and this is why so many people do casual secs, because they dont WANT a rel, and it hurts to think SHE is doing exactly that, having casual secs with guys because she doesnt want a rel. she is out there being a degen slut when i wanted her to be waifu 4 lyfe, mother of muh white children. she is just a casual slut. and most women are. or go through large periods of their life where they are casual sluts. same thing.

and i can’t even talk to the other 30 year old virgin males on despair forums who talk about maybe trying to practice on MILFs from tinder, without catladies on DF saying dont dehumanize them and treat them like low hanging fruit!

in other words women causing drama because they dont know what to say to men with Gurl Problems. This stuff needs to be in a MEN ONLY forum because women really have nothing useful to say here. They either Shame, or they give useless, wrong, if well-intentioned, “advice.” they cannot possibly understand what the man is going through. but other men, like me, DO. i give them much better advice hahaha. like i hear ya man, its rough, ive been through the same thing, women think im weird and i havent made out with a gurl in 10 years and even back then they thought my lack of experience was weird. so i say bend the truth and just try to get some experience with this milf. there will probably be stupid drama and flakeouts, but it will be some experience and hopefully you learn a little more about dealing with women’s bullshit and can be more confident when you approach more attractive women later.

and if 40 year old catladies read that, they go rabble rabble rabble and get all butthurt hahahaha. i mean i can totally see why. they cant handle the truth, thats why hahahahahahaha. the truth hurts. yeah the truth hurts me too. basically that i am not valuable enough to pull a woman as valuable as THAT WOMAN. she was OUT OF MUH LEAGUE. and i thought that her having no father, and her fam being a slightly lower Social Class than my fam, would help my odds a little bit, hahaha.  maybe if she were a huge slut, were a few years older, and had at least one kid, then THAT would help, hahahaha. oy vey.







had a terrible headache last night and that just makes you desperate. so i broke my 4 day streak of not “self soothing” because i actually thought it might help with my headache. i was not horny at all, rarely am, but i was desperate for anything. rubbing muh head, face grimacing in pain, already took max dose of tylenol, didnt really help, couldnt take anything else cuz acetiminophen damn. to make matters worse the headache seemed to make me think a swarm of negative thoughts regarding that person, etc.

anyway thankfully i got to sleep and the headache went away.

i tried to see things from her point of view. why couldnt she do the same for me. i just thought she cared about me enough to give me the benefit of the doubt. to trust that i wasnt betraying her. to realize, wait a minute, hes not trying to hurt me, maybe this is a big understanding and we should address a misunderstanding in the only way you can. its not like hes been pretending everything is ok. hes been acting weird for months. i wonder whats the deal with that hahahaha.

hes acting weird and always bugging me about hanging out every couple weeks and sending me texts every day like he likes me , he never used to do this before, its like something changed, whats the deal with that, idk ikr lol.

anyway i dont want another headache like that. it was so bad. you cant do anything but lay there in agony feeling like your skull is being split open with an ax. writhing in pain, rubbing your head, begging for mercy, and you certainly cant think straight!!!!!!

was it because i drank too much coffee? stared at a screen for too long? had too low net calories?

louis cuCK says “you dont get to tell someone that you didnt really hurt them, that its all in their head. if they feel they were hurt by you, their feelings are valid.” which is a good point from that weak pathetic degenerate man, but…..what if they are way off? what if it is a YUUUGE misunderstanding? and they dont want to talk to you at ALL to figure out that misunderstanding?

i can see if it were something blatant like CHEATING. where you do something that you KNOW is BAD, and you HIDE it, until one day youre found out, but you couldnt stop because you were too cowardly and weak and muh dik. OBVIOUSLY thats hurting somebody and theres not a lot of room for misunderstanding there.

you cant say, oh you MISUNDERSTOOD, when i fooked that other bitch i wasnt ACTUALLY “CHEATING” on you.

but you can say, you misunderstood, when i was acting all weird and different, i wasnt actually BETRAYING you, i just had feelings I wanted to express to you and a serious talk i wanted to have. people change.

i was mocking this shitty univ of phoenix commercial where this hard working black man with a young son went to work at his working class job during the day, then slowly got his Degree at Night Online, and graduated to the type of job where he now wears a Tie, instead of a Cintas Uniform. the little black boy watches his father putting on the tie and mimics the motions himself. puuuuuukkkkkeeee. then we see the man in a classroom, raising his hand and looking all thoughtful. very triggering commercial for me hahahaha.

i said, yeah guess what little boy, you are still black slaves, only now your father has to take out a 50k loan and go to skool for like 6 years to prove himself worthy of a new kind of slavery.

“learning” stupid shit you dont need college for and he could easily learn from his Warehouse job or whatever.

raising his hand in class: “I’d like to raise a discussion point, Doctor Business Professor. Perhaps we could increase profitability and cut costs by cutting all our full time workers, and making those positions into $10 an hour seasonal or part time jobs. We could also save millions of dollars a year by not training them. there’s no shortage of people willing to work for 10DAH. also we can switch to a shitter health plan for the 10% of our employees who actually are eligible for the health plan, and make them pay more in premiums (whatever it is they take out of your paycheck.) we fire the 10 DAH part time people who dont learn fast enough and keep the ones who do for as long as possible. get rid of as many full time people as possible. get as many h1b visa people as possible. outsource the lowest jobs to thrid party vendors, MBS or whatever, people making 8 DAH to answer phones and give awful service. make shit as confusing as possible with the fine print so you can really hook customers with GOTCHA type bullshit. make shit leaner. more agile. hahahaha. give customers the runaround and laugh all the way to the bank. ”

and then write 100 page paper stating all the above in stupid business speak hahaha.

well if thats what you gotta do to get a 20 DAHJ where you go to meetings and dont have a constantly ringing phone, its worth it, right?

also i really K’d myself trying to learn that stupid job. i would come home and study and worry for hours off the clock. she never studied. she just smoked MJ and said go with the flow. fook that shit. she didnt know how anything worked. yet management and everybody luved her because she is a purty gurl!!!!! then she got mad at ME because i was stressed about the job and she wasnt! that makes me a bad guy somehow. oh well he wasnt the person i thought he was. story of my life. you cant trust these betraying men! theyre never the people you think they are!

yet i was trying to talk to her, and she was trying to avoid me. i might have been scared to confess an Inconvenient Truth, but I was NOT trying to Actively Avoid it, like she was!!!!!!!!!

no one would deny that communication is one of the most important things in any rel. i desperately wanted TO communicate, she desperately wanted NOT to commnicate. thus the rel was DOOMED. no doubt about it. it was not meant to be. the LORD is telling me, she is not the one for me.  find a woman who DOES want to communicate with you. period.

whats the deal when someone always thinks people are betraying them when they’re not? you say that person is PARANOID and they have TRUST ISSUES. they dont trust people they should trust. its SAD really.

its just frustrating because she USED to trust me, i saw her trust other people, and TRY with other people. i thought our rel was meaningful enough for her to TRY. i didnt think she would ever want to end the rel this way. you dont be friends with someone for 3 years and not MEAN anything to them!!!!!!

yeah i should have blatantly said WE NEED TO TALK, I AM BOTHERED BY SOMETHING. Yeah i learned out of all this that i need to get better about saying that.

REGARDLESS, me being bad at saying that DIDNT give her the right to hurt me like that, and also does not justify her AVOIDING me for 10 months.

she COULD have said YES to one of the times i asked her; or she COULD have said oh i cant this saturday, but what about sunday or next saturday would be fine. or we could watch tv show on wednesday night 🙂  that kind of shit.

if they really want to hang out with you and arent just blowing you off forever, they will suggest alternatives.

although they do really like it when men are decisive. and i would be. i would say hay how bout i take you to dinner on saturday, i’ll buy. and she would hem and haw. at that point i was being direct and decisive and if she wanted to go, she would say YAAAAASSSSSS or suggest an alternative at that point: oh sorry im going to dinner with my family  that day but we could go sunday or friday or hang out after dinner. rather than oh i cant i have plans, maybe some other time, then me saying okkkkkkkk like a beta and waiting 2 weeks to ask again because to ask once a week is too pushy. then getting the same damn answer in 2 weeks. repeat pattern for 10 months. COME ON.

yeah i should have read THOSE signals but still. jsut write me a damn letter baby.

did 8 miler hehehe.

anyway i hate when people i used to be close to, have the wrong idea about me, and HATE me for the wrong reason, and wrongly think i betrayed them, and they wont let me try to explain things, cuz they think what i did was SO wrong, so they go ballistic on me. not that this happens very often hahaha. but when it does it kills me. i cant talk to them cuz they dont want to talk to me. because what i did was that bad.

well theres some cheaters and abusers who are honestly in denial so bad, they dont even realize they are doing horrible things. they think what theyre doing isnt so bad, when its in fact horrific. is that what im doing? i dont think so.

so its her problem. her  problem for being PARANOID and STUBBORN and completely closed and unwilling. can lead the horse to water but this horse refuses to DRINK.  but you always think, did i REALLY do EVERYTHING i COULD? but she BLOCKED me tho. that is a clear message: stop contacting me, because i wont read it. i dont want to hear anything you have to say.

and i dont like being HATED for the WRONG REASONS and they REFUSE to listen to me, and it was a VERY IMPORTANT rel to me, and it was to them at one point too. it didnt USED to always be so one sided. yet now shes like, that piece of shit, i never really knew him, glad to get that piece of shit out of my life!

so then i go to the fatclub. i see tons of young women where i say, if she were MY daughter, id never let her out of the house looking like that! like this 20 year old girl in perfect shape wearing the tiniest shorts i have ever seen! its smaller than underwear or a tiny bathing suit. NOBODY should dress like that IN PUBLIC!!!!!! i dont care if their body looks good enough to flaunt it! have some respect!

then i thought, i blame their fathers. i wouldnt let MY daughter out of the house looking like that! and every gurl looks like that!

so why are their parents divorced? because their father is a legit deadbeat? or because their mother is an Unreasonable Psycho who kicked a Good Man out of their childrens life? did a good man wrong? was very unfair to a good decent man? did you REALLY have to dump that man?

i think well 66% of divorces are initiated by women, fine, but how many of those are for legit reasons, and how many are the unholy FRIVOLOUS DIVORCE or “frivorce” as dalrock calls them. the idk lol eat pray luv midlife crisis divorce cuz the hamster is not haaaaaaapppppyyyy and they are not willing to work on it.

that paints a HORRIBLE picture of women; most women arent like that, ARE THEY? maybe these fatherless gurls exposing their bodies in public, maybe their fathers were just deadbeats who DESERVED to be kicked to the curb!

or was their mother just a YUGE bitch?!?!?!?! unfairly depriving their children of the father they NEED?

honestly its not that hard to dress respectfully at the Gym. they could wear the same thing as I do and that would be fine: a large baggy t shirt and largish Gym shorts that go down to the knee. oh but then you look like a Dyke. so what. i do see some young attractive women dressed in more modest gym clothes thank god.

basically just wear something thats not tiny or skin tight. how fookin hard is that? you cant have Body Dismorphia basically showing your naked body to strangers. its so weird and wrong. triggering. does not make for a relaxing experience. so i turn up muh nationalist fascist rock and go harder.

then i see a handsome young man near me going 9.3 mph. i was like SHIT he doesnt even LOOK like hes going that fast. of course hes way taller but still. so now im like fook i gotta try 9.3 for a minute. i did 9.0 earlier and i thought THAT was ridiculous.  cuz i was getting annoyed by the albanian or arab young man near me going so fast he was stomping and pounding loudly on the treadmill because he had to be going at least 9 mph. so then i say, welp im just as manly as them, i can do 9 or 9.3 mph too, also gotta distract myself from the 20 year old girl in front of me with her tight pants painted on her ass.

hahahaha. triggers everywhere.

and then weird or annoying men getting RIGHT NEXT to me when there are plenty of treadmills open.

and then god forbid they start talking on their phone. people will have a damn 30 minute conversation on their phone on the treadmill. its even more annoying if they are a nonwhite speaking in arabic or albanian. though the other day i heard a white woman speaking polish or russian and that was annoying too. its just common courtesy of having a long phone conversation in a very public place. i would never do it.

or going in the locker room and older men just standing around naked. i know i already complained about this. but at least make an effort to put some damn underwear on. be moving to do that. otherwise you seem like a fooking barely closeted pervert who likes other men seeing him naked. go to a damn gay bathhouse already. they prob do.

back to the young girls wearing inapprop clothing. they probably have been doing this for years.i mean in the 80s there were 20 year old girls in the gym waering spandex and men staring at their asses. its got to be a combination of: youthful vanity, no father (for whatever reason), just not knowing any better, going along wth the crowd, women are herd sheeple types, and also marketing. ie, when they go to buy gym clothes, most of the gym clothes are tight indecent clothes. you have to really dig to find the modest stuff. but its not FASHIONABLE. its more FASHIONABLE or POPULAR to look like a whore hahahaha. but it really is.

and also moving the Window of Public Perception, so that this is not looking like a whore, this is NORMAL. its NORMAL for women to be dressed like this. well then its just as normal for men to stare and ogle. and then i remember that is impolite and i control myself and stop staring. and then shake my damn head that these gurls dont have fathers who teach them not to dress like that.

we dont have to be like MUDSLIMS covering women head to toe! i really dont like that view of women, even though women are somewhat of a PANDORAS BOX who need to be kept in line. so keep them in line by making your daughter wear baggy non revealing clothing!!!!

keep your daughter at home until she finds a decent man to marry! and of course get involved with those decisions. if shes interested in a badboy deadbeat, say FOOK NO. NOT ON MY WATCH!

but when you put the hammer down like that, dont the children rebel? run away and become whores anyway? well you tried. thats on the kid then hahaha.

like my family tried so hard, but i was just troubled, defective hahaha. theres nothing they could do to fix me.  hahahaha. but yeah it still feelsbadman to be a defective person hahahaha.




did a 4.2 miler, was kinda windy and cold hahaha.

thought maybe i could contact the womans mother and beg the MOTHER to talk to her daughter hahahahahah like yeah she might have said i was being weird and bugging her a lot, i really wasnt, and i just wanted to talk about something that was bothering me. you know i am not a bad guy and i would treat your daughter right for the long term. and then she would probably say she doesnt want to talk to you, shes done with you, dont contact any of us ever again.

so, should I contact the mother? maybe if i knew the mother better! i only met her 2 times hahaha. but in the good old days my female friend would tell her mother how cool i was.

heh fook if she had invited me to do crimmus or thanksgiving things that would have been nice!

so apparently when you go to a marriage counselor and they teach you communication skills, that just makes you “fight more”.

we never really fought at all, because that would involve talking hahaha.

this is why i like writing emails or letters, or recording voice files. this should be textbook stuff.








it has been 81 days since i was devastatingly dumped, and i feel ____________  hehehehe. i feel angry and devastated and angry and hopeless and numb. hahahaha. actually right this second i feel ok, have been reading some right wing news sources (therightstuff.biz and breitbart.com)

so what did i do wrong?

well i pushed her to hang out by asking her every 2 or 3 weeks if she might want to hang out this weekend.

she said she needed space. i tried to give her some space but i had no idea how much space she needed. after like a month or so i was asking her to hang out again.

i made the mistake of not being more masculine or direct, should have said welp how much space do you need? and more importantly should have directly said:

the reason i want to hang out is because i want to talk, and what i want to talk about are muh feelings towards you. i have feelings towards you, do you have feelings towards me? lets deal with this.

the end.

my cowardice in broaching this topic probably caused her to lose all respect for me and to dump me in such a cold harsh way, so if i Broached Earlier, i probably could have got a better dumping.

but if she really wanted me, then she would have hung out with me and given me some positive signals hahahaha.

and even though i was cowardly, i still dont think i deserved to lose THAT much respect and to be treated THAT poorly. have a damn heart. how could u be so heartless hahahaha.


honestly yeah i was a little beta and emo and faggy and i know women HATE this but my GOD. try to remember the fact that im not just some random beta. we knew each other for a long time. so you were annoyed at me because…..i wanted to hang out? maybe because i was cowardly and did not come right out and say i had feelings. oooh i didnt think of THAT yet in my 81 days of obsession! maybe she was mad BECAUSE she knew i wanted to tell her something, but i was too cowardly to come out and SAY it!  and thats why she was SO mad!

well i argue she didnt have to get THAT mad. once again, the value of the long term friendship TRUMPS that.

but not when it comes to WOMEN having SCORN for the BETA hahahaha. their Contempt is Literally Limitless. Women are designed by Evolution to have Heart-Freezing Contempt for the Beta. doesnt matter if that beta was once a close long term friend. because that doesnt matter. the beta changed the game the second he wanted to view the woman as a potential suitor. then the woman SCOFFS in CONTEMPT. PSHAW!

did 4.2 milers

i was OPEN to her, she was CLOSED to me.

i was trying to show Warmth and friendliness and openness to her; she was showing only closedness and coldness and bitchiness to me.

oh yeah, youll like this one:

i did not CONSENT to being dumped.

CONSENT is the most important thing. both people must CONSENT enthusiastically to sex.

but when it comes to getting dumped, its ok if one person does not consent, because really what it is, is the Dumper is not consenting to being in the Rel any more. “I dont consent to be in this rel” overrules “i dont consent to being dumped!”

at any rate you are being hurt without your consent, so it is a kind of violation hahaha. a little raep hahaha.

how come i dont get to consent to the dumping????

becuase it takes two to consent to start it, and only one to consent to end it.

hehehhehehe. this is like if a  guy is trying to Coerce a gurl into Secs and she does not give consent, well he doesnt give his consent to her not giving her consent, hahahahaha.

in other words, you cant make a person love you; you cant make a person stay in a rel.

so yeah your consent in this matter is not important at all, compared to their consent to stay in the rel. it really is a zero sum game, there is no win win. actually the pain for you is probably worse than the benefits for her when she leaves. she is pretty happy that she is done with you, but shes forgotten about you in a few days. ancient history.

you are in great pain for 8100 days, devastated. pretty big pain differential hahahaha.

so yeah my consent “argument” is bullshit i admit that hahahaha

but the decent thing to do is to realize you leaving the rel is gonna be painful to the other person, so you show that youre not a piece of shit, but trying to let them down easy, make some effort to do that. so i didnt deserve respect because i didnt man up and blurt it out earlier fine i get that. but i didnt deserve THIS much disrespect. i deserved no more than 5, and i got 10.

i also liked the im gonna set aside 30 minutes a day to think about this. NO MORE. and then if you start thinkign about it outside of that block, you say NOPE! STOP! i have already budgeted this 30 minutes to think abotu it, think about it then.

it would be much easier to be rejected by a degen slut than a “Good woman”. however if its any consolation she may be on her way from Good Woman to Degen Slut! sliding down the semitic slide of degeneracy hahahaha

also i am shocked becuase i didnt think she HATED me that much. i knew she was mad.frustrated/annoyed at me, but not to THAT extent! i still dont believe it!

this is why you communicate! thatis the big lesson i learned here, the power of communication.

also that communication would have not necess “fixed” anything, ie, if she had had feelings for me, OR if she had WANTED to commuincate, she would ahve communicated.

i clearly wanted to communicate. she clearly did not want to communicate.

if she had really wanted to smooth things over with me, she would have. if she had been in Luv with me, she would have hung out with and talked to me. she really had no desire to do anything. so she really was clearly communicating that. fook. just treat me better. treat me like we actually had the friendship that we did. because i wasnt so bad as to deserve this. this treatment should only be given to horrible people who have wronged you.

i would expect this out of a 16 year old old. not someone who is WELL over 21 or 22 years old.

she acts like a bad guy, and she thinks IM the bad guy and that she is perfectly justified in doing this!

shes the bad guy but she thinks shes the good guy, even though the evidence clearly shows that she is the bad guy and i am…a bit awkward but not nearly as bad and shitty and horrible as her!

why did u do this? seriously!

because it was easiest. it was the easy way out. its easier to avoid problems and conflict than to face them.


maybe she didnt HATE me, but she SURE doesnt want to get with me.

if she wanted to get with me, she would.

if she wanted to Face The Situation, she would have.

she wanted to not face the situation, AND she wanted not get with me.

she got what she wanted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anyway if she wanted me back……she would get me back.

me contacting her now and persuading her to give me an apology would be RIDICULOUS. although i DESERVE one. but it would be ridiculous to expect given her treatment of me.

i could NEVER convince her to Get With Me.

of course i will NEVER understand how something so good could end so bad.

well sure i do: becuase i was a weak, cowardly, pushy, spineless, annoying BETA, a lesser beta at that, and this makes the pvssy SNAP SHUT. decent, low mileage women, good marriageable women, will treat you with UTTER CONTEMPT and CRUELTY once you reveal to them that you are a Lesser Beta.

the nicest gurls, the most decent low-cok women, will treat you WORSE than a CHEATER and NEVER feel bad about it, if you act like a beta to them. it doesnt’ matter if youve known them for 2 or 3 or 10 years.

and they will still want the cheater. better for you to be a cheater than a beta. then you might have a chance of getting the gurl back hahahaha oy vey its like another shoah.

because you see, for All Women, being beta is worthy of NO respect. less respect, luv, or attraction than a guy who cheated on you. of COURSE they cant treat you like a human being! youre not one!

so the female equivalent of a lesser beta male is a SLUT. someone who has low ass mate value for their gender. but i still treat sluts like HUMAN BEINGS even though i have contempt and disrespect for them! i still treat them with a minimum of respect! that women, even a decent moral kind woman, will never treat a beta male!

well she always knew i was a beta right? the idea that she never saw me date gurls had to be a big clue. and then when i directed that interest to her, it was the worst thing in the world for her. better a scumbag cheater than a beta, at least the scumbag cheater makes you TINGLE.


i would never treat a slut like this! unless they cheated on me!

plus they would just find a man and get over their broken heart real quick.

even sluts dont waste too much time on BETAS. betas are ever WORSE than sluts!!!!



it has been 82 days since the disgraceful disrespectful dumping and i feel fineeeeeeeeeeee ahahahahaha no. feel about the same as yesterday hahaha. which is angry, sad, despairing, some shock, how could she do this, i dont believe this, this cant be, its all my fault, if i werent such a cuck beta loser she would have luved me, i made her do this with my loserness and weakness, she was the only woman who was not a promiscuous slut and also not bad looking, i will always compare future women to her, this is the best i will ever do, its all downhill from here, im getting too old, i will never get close to a woman of this quality again, its all low quality from here on out, time to lower the standards.



Argent Templar 2 hours ago

Thank you for doing this MW this is one of the few issues I have felt strong on the entirety of my life, that cheating on your significant other is one of the worst things you can do emotionally and morally. I think there is a tendency in trying to be alpha male and in reaction to feminism to try and signal too hard and say that a man can fuck anyone he wants and that any sort of emotional and spiritual commitment to one women is a sign of a cuckoldry. I think one can be a romantic and monogamous without being a white knight or a beta male. I mean if anything the traditional image of the alpha strong male was a man who would kick the ass of his enemies and go home to his wife and kids. Anyways I think what we need to try and be doing is to make marriage and having children look masculine again and yes to a certain extent sexy. The whole MGTOW naval gazing I am going to take my ball and go home is bad for civilization and ultimately the answer is to restore traditional gender roles, not to go our own way or becoming cucked white knights.



anyhow. yeah. should go out for a nice powerwalk here.

also i was thinking about using this to write more Angry Letters Addressed Directly To Her, that i would not send.

so if you ever see me referring to “YOU” in kind of an angry or weird way, thats what i am doing.

Don’t say, “I cant believe you would hurt me, you would abandon me,” say

“I feel abandoned when we never hang out and never talk. I feel like i am ignored and unwanted and neglected and abandoned” hahahahaha this way you take ownership of your feelings with I Statements, and dont Blame Them with You statements.

I feel unloved, uncared for, ignored, betrayed (hahahahah), rejected, like crap, like a piece of garbage, thrown away.

I feel thrown away like a piece of garbage when you never hang out with me, never talk me.

I feel uncared for when you seem to have stopped caring for me like you used to. we never hang out anymore, we never spend time together, we never do anythign fun, I feel Rejected and Shot Down and Worthless.

of course it is beta as hell to talk like this, and you deserve it for your wife to leave you or cuck you!

the stefan molyneux vidya above where he talks to both a guy and a gurl on a conference call, she wants an open rel, he doesn’t, but he is so beta he migth allow it just to keep her, if it means sharing her with another man, oops sorry, plural, several other MEN, so sorry my darling, my ray of sunshine. anything my sweetie wants. any and all the dicks.

THIRSTY. the way “Young Adult” women TALK is so stupid. i mean 20-29 hahahaha. they are technically adults, out of Undergrad, either starting IMportant Careers, living in Big Cities, Experimenting, finding themselves, being Promiscuous and nihilistic in their “Freedom”, reading cosmo and thought catalog and buzzfeed and daily show and jezebel and gawker and shit, and using words like THIRSTY to describe Horny, Desperate Men, desperate for sex. Basically the Hip word for “desperate” used by Hip Young Women who hate desperate men.

heh. turn their shitty words back on them. these degen whores are THIRSTY for alpha cok, guzzling alpha cvm. Can I Live Without Alpha Cok until after the wedding? idk lol

letter: i am angry because I wish you had treated me better. You cant just throw people away like that. if you do that to the wrong guy, he will react very poorly.  but mainly i wish you could try to treat me as you would like to be treated. be nicer to me. i know you dont return my feelings, but dont get so contemptuous of me for HAVING the feelings. i am still the same guy you have known for 2.5 years. i just got feelings. i told you the story of how and when and why i got them. yeah it was bad timing, yeah it was related to what was going on with your other relationships, it is what it is. im the same guy but things changed in an important way. of course that would affect our friendship directly. i was trying to talk to you about it. but we could never meet up. i didnt really want to talk about it over text or email or phone or at work cuz it was a pretty important thing to me. i didnt mean to be pushy to you but i wish you had given me some kind of timeframe, like yep we can talk in january, rather it seemed like a “someday never comes” situation. yeah i screwed up by not reading the signals that we WERENT gonna hang out at all…..but i also kinda thought we were. i believed you when you said we would hang otu someday.

but by february things were getting so ridiculous for me, and possibly for you to, that i should have just told you right then and there. but i was still scareed and still thought we were gonna hang out soon.

and then when you stopped talking to me altogether, i was heartbroken and destroyed and felt like i couldnt go on. it was just too much for me to handle. i blamed myself for everything and was dead to the world for months. i wish you had just told me that you didnt want to be friends anymore. that would have hurt a lot less. the way it happened now, i feel like you just wanted to throw our entire friendship away, and throw me away like garbage. nobody likes that. would you like that?

you dont have to like me, but at least treat me with a little respect when you decide to end this relationship. its fine that we cant be friends anymore but dont hate me for getting feelings for you. how would you feel if those guys HATED you for getting feelings for them, then they threw you away and refused to talk to you or give you any respect or any explanation?

even though I liked you, i had real respect for you too, and it hurt to give you that respect, but to get none back from you. you used to respect me, and now you dont respect me at all, and i dont think i did anything to deserve losing that respect so much.

and i am a hurting a lot, from at one time having a good friendship with you, to now having nothing. it felt like you turned off all caring and concern to me. i missed that greatly. my heart was broken.

i had not been this close to a woman in years, not even with the women i last dated. this was a big deal to me. i am devastated and heartbroken. this was the most serious relationship i’ve had with a woman in a very long time. i have dated women where we werent this close, and didn’t last as long, and you meant more to me than them.

i forgive you for hurting me because i know you didnt mean to hurt me this much, and some of it is due to my own feelings, and also i know you were overwhelmed and emotionally compromised. but i wish we could have communicated even just a LITTLE, so this wouldnt have been so damn painful for me. and so i wouldnt have such mixed feelings towards you. it didnt have to hurt this much.

ok that sort of stuff is letter oriented.



anyway. if someone is hurting you, you have to tell them, especially if they are not aware they are hurting you, or dont intend to hurt you. like if some selfish person refuses to hangout with you, you have to let them know it hruts you. but i dont MEAN to hurt you they will retort.

doesnt matter, the shit you do still hurts me, and if you are serious about not hurting me, uhh take that into account and change your behavior if you really care about me bitch hahahahaha.

so i was too nice to her really hahahah. she was DONE MONTHS ago, but i naively hoped the distance was just temporary.

i should have been reading muh GAME hahahaha.

working on several other women at the same time so i didnt get ONEITIS, which i did.

putting the pussy on a pedestal!

you can see i am being facetious.

i dont think its inappropriate to get feelings for someone after you have gotten to know them for 2 years; or also for men to think you have feelings for you when you have Secs with them.

of course that second one is super naive in this age, because women have secs and THEN get to know you (if ever!) and only many months later do feelings develop, if ever, and probably not, because she flakes out or you do one thing wrong.

call me crazy old fahsioned, but this is why i beleive that women should NOT have secs with men RIGHT AWAY, but WAIT until they REALLY KNOW AND LIKE them, which will take several months! 6 months maybe!


i forgot about go ask alice, one of muh fave advice sites, even though they are marxist and degenerate and encourage women to be sluts and break mens hearts because all men are rapists or niceguy scum woman haters hahahaha.

Don’t emotionally exhaust yourself by continually reaching out. It sounds like you’ve done your part apologizing and attempting to communicate, but without his cooperation, the friendship may have run its course.

well some b is cutting herself or some gay guy because their male friend is giving them silent treatment. yeah i sorta agree, i mean youve done all you can, ball is in their court, your work here is done. now alice says “they might still care” but uhhhh kinda hard to tell if they refuse to communicate with you at all ever.


anyway despite how sex positive alice is, they still are good about emphasizing communication, and how important clear effective commuincation is. i would agree 100000%, communication is very important. not shitty communcation where you beat around the bush and never communcate about the elephant.

and if they say

i dont want to talk about it,

then you just have to say OK like eeyore and say youve done all you can????!?!?!?!


trust, commincation, and respect. how the fook can you have ANY of those things with a WOMAN, let alone all THREE? hahahaha.

heh. i used to have all three with her and it hurts to lose a special person like that. well, the communication could have been a little better. then it just got worse and worse!

but yeah its a big damn deal, it was quite simply and honestly, the closest and most important Relationship i had had with a woman in years, since i had some female friends in 2005 and 06. then we drifted apart because of distance and i didnt really get close to any women until her, from 2012-2015.


they are like SEX ANIMALS. sex is the only way they can understand anything, the only way they can have feelings, its the Deepest Thing for them.  they think it is more important than Communication, Trust, or Respect for building an intimate relationship. or a non intimate relationship!

its just amazing she can be in a long term rel and be so shitty at communicating. well she just was shitty at communicating with ME. i wish she had not been! come on! she had much less to lose with me! why NOT talk to me! because it was too overwhelming and too much work for too little reward?

i should thank her for finding ENDING THIS CHARADE and DISABUSING ME OF THE DELUSION!

well, she could have done that a lot earlier, 10 months earlier to be exact. if anythign she kept the shit going too long by giving me some mixed signals amidst it all that made me think this was all temporary.

also she would either have to communicate to End It All……OR not communicate at all, which of course is what she ended up doing. but she could have done THAT 10 months earlier is what im saying.

so im not gonna thank her for SHIT is why im saying hahahaha. but i am starting to appreciate that it will be good to have her out of my life as someone that will waste my time, and not be able to commuincate or trust or respect. then what fooking good is she really? apart from some FANTASY i can fantasize about, but everything she is in real life is annoying and infuriating and hurtful and heartbreaking? no thank you! take it back! pack your shit and leave! gtfo my life! you add no value! you bring only pain and nothing good!

if anything my communication skills are really GOOD, IF i can feel free to Speak Freely and not hide or avoid shit. but with someone i trust, i can articulate my thoughts and feelings really well. but if its some bitch i am trying to stop from leaving me, then i get emotionally compromised and start commuincating more unclearly. and sometimes they dont even LET you communicate with them hahahahaha like what happened here.

this is why it can be helpful to write emails, when then person is not right there in front of you. that can just make you more emotional and more likely to Bargain Desperately, and do something Desperate or Stupid, rather than communicate honestly or freely.

like when i would say yeah we can date other people ABSOLUTELY, when i really didnt want that, i would just do ANYTHIGN to APPEASE them and keep them around in ANY capacity.

hilariously enough, they just left me anyway, wouldnt even let me SHARE them with other people, they did not want me among the 10 other people they were fooking at that time hahahha. fooking bitches and whores.

a man who uses those words is an abuser. well i respond, that a woman who acts like THAT deserves to be called those words! dont be a bitch and hateful abusive men like moi wont call you a bitch!


look at all the people on go ask alice who are having secs for years and in ltr’s, and they have the MOST OBVIOUS problems that culd be solved with just a little communication, but they obviously dont have that. yet they still have secs and have been dating for at least a year. so how did they get to that point? with no damn communication in the relationship?

i dunno. maybe they did have some communication for a while, but then it broke down.

oh well first sign of problems, better bail out and find a better replacement! its never worth it to try to fix problems!

hehehe or at least when it came to trying to fix problems in a rel with a Repulsive Horrible Person such as myself, they always would rather just bail out hahahahah. nothing worth saving here!

so that is not helpful for the old self esteem hahahaha.

see the difference between me and women is that when i get feelings for a woman, i dont suddenly want to stop communicating with them. to the contrary, i want to talk about how the relationship may have to change. rather than running away and taking dicks and pretending nothing ever existed.

nope just bury your head in the sand and take dicks.

so yeah i will be angry at her for hurting me for a while. i know they say you are supposed to forgive them. i really dont know if you need to. i mean, if they hurt you, and you are never gonna see them again, and you know you are over them after a few years, who CARES if you FORGIVE them. like shit i wont forgive woman3, even though i am well over her, because it really doesnt do me any good to forgive her, i mean she is a dead part of my past, it just doesnt matter if i forgive her. fine i forgive her. big fookin deal. it doesnt mean anything, im just saying the words “i forgive you” i really cant feel ANYTHING toward her now but i am sure i would still fook her if she looked good. i mean i havent seen her in 10 years and i never think abotu her! just an example.

yeah i am def getting over it a bit but i am still not happy. i am angry at her for being so god damn stupid. it didnt have to be this way!!!!!!!! but noooooo she was so stubborn against communicating and acting like a god damn adult. had to act like a fooking 5 year old. just absolutely had to. couldnt even act like an 18 year old! even though she is way older than that. just ridiculous. god damn. be a little bit cooler than that. she didnt need to be THAT disappointing! its ok to be a LITTLE disappointing, but this was just too extreme.

anyway life is not fair so get used to it!

ANYWAY yeah there were warning signs. NAMELY, the Breakdown In Communication which started even BEFORE that 10 month period i was feeling for her. it prbably started a few months BEFORE that when i was afraid to directly address the topics of her old boifran and her new boifran. i mean she could have addressed the topics too but so could have it. i guess the blame there was 50 50. although in the end it was still 66 33 hahahaha.

ANYWAY yeah there were warning signs. well kind of. i didnt think those communication problems could grow so much. well it really wouldnt have MATTERED if it didnt get feelings. it was possible our Friendship was At A Dead Standstill??? i dont think so…. i mean it was moving slowly, my feelings came on slowly.

well at any rate, my feelings DID increase the communication problems, or made these problems all the more Pressing and Urgent and Timely.

i had much more of an interest in resolving the commuincation problems; she honestly did not. PLUS she probably knew i had feelings and that turned her off even more.

MAYBE we could have resolved the comm probs if i didnt have feelings. then i just wouldnt care so much either!

but thats what feelings are, its CARING about someone a lot.

anyway i dont blame her for not having feelings. i just blame her for handling the communication HORRIBLY.

i didnt handle it perfectly but she handled it worse. 66 33.

75 25 hahahaha.

but yeah i will get over it, i wont even contact her. i might never get on facebook again hahaha.

anyway right now i have NO CONFIDENCE in doing jobs. like i cant do jobs and shit. nothing. i could never be a Server in a Restaurant for example. i just cant JUGGLE that much shit. just watching them makes me anxious! i would have to take valium every single day!

the merona pants at target look very nice. they cost $25, this is kinda expensive, but if you make 25DAH at your Job, you should be able to handle it.

Merona® Men’s Ultimate Flat Front Pants

are what i am talking about.

okay i did a 3.1 miler by walking around an extra block to add to my usual 2.8 cuz i wanted at least a solid 3.0.

but yeah none of this is good for the confidence. and i am angry at her because she could have been a little NICER and not taken away so much confidence.

so i guess my confidence was at a RELATIVE “high” before all this shit started. i certainly didnt like muh job but i did ok at it, things were smooth and undramatic with female “friend” etc.

so yeah it was very worthwhile for me to communicate with her. very worthwhile. there was nothing but benefit. it would give me some sense of resolution.

there was NO worth, no value, no benefit to her to communicate, so therefore, she didnt. very simple. she didnt do it because there was no incentive to her. she knew it would be an awkward and difficult convo. she had an idea that i had feels for her. she didnt WANT to talk about it. she didnt WANT me to have feels for her because she didnt have any for me, she didnt want to TALK about it. she didnt NEED to talk about it.  she didnt think i would have such a damn hardon for Closure and Resolution and Direct Unambiguous Verbal Communication. maybe i do need more of that than the average normalfag.

yeah well these were pretty strong feelings. it just wasnt some Schoolboy Crush!

well part of it was exacerbated by the job itself. i mean i was nervous just to come in and do the job even if she wasnt there. well it was better when she wasnt, i mean for a while there i was working one day where she was off, that was better than having to see her. but it was still a ridic job.

if it were an easy job, maybe it would be different. maybe the ridiculousness of the job caused me to be more dramatic to her.  but my desire to communicate with her was still VALID. thats what you do when you have feelings for somebody. you tell them or show them.

i think my signal sending was good enough so that she Had An Idea what i wanted to talk about. i wanted to talk because i was the one with the feelings. she didnt want to talk because she didnt have feelings. if she had feelings, she would have wanted to talk, just like she did when she DID have feelings for the guy. ITS ALL ABOUT HER. HER AND ONLY HER hahahaha. think about the other person for a change. selfish as hell hahahaha.

i am a much better communicator than her hahaha. well she doesnt need to be cuz shes a woman hahahaha all she needs is a cvnt and uterus.  i aint mad abotu THAT, thats just how HUMANS are. its the same reason i prefer 20 year old women to 40 year old women, as do all men.

shit i just wish i was young again and could drink and go to parties with young gurls hahaha.

but i forget that i was young, did go to parties with young gurls, and get drunk, and that still didnt help me seduce the gurls!

also i am butthurt because i did not start going to parties until about halfway through My Youth. i wanted to be going to parties my WHOLE youth hahahaha.  wawawawawawaw.  instead i was drinking by myself or with other guys and basically NEVER LEARNED how to talk to gurlz.

so it did build confidence to have an actual female friend i could talk to, without nervousness, and actually get to know them.

well if a big part of getting over heartbreak is just to stand there in the middle of the deluge and Take The Pain beating you down, well i have def done that! in fact i might be nearing the end of that. and now i will be more pessimistic about women in general (if that were even possible!!) and worrying about jobs and also worrying about being alone forever, since when am i ever gonna find someone i LIKE again.

but i would also take a cute young fucc buddie gurl that i could bang with no feelings and i wouldnt care about her that i had no respect for her. that doesnt make me a hypocrite because i cant get preggers hahahaha i can do whatever i want because theres really no way i can defile My Biological Role as a Dumper Of Sperm, i mean thats pretty Degraded as it is, as opposed to the Holy Of Holies where Sperm Slowly Grows into a Beautiful Babby. that is a beautiful thing and therefore CAN BE defiled. and by god many/most women DO defile it!

bitches and whores!

but yeah it sucks to have something good and then it is gone forever. even if she didnt like me we still had a decent friendship before everything went wrong, and i valued that friendship, it was very important to me, and it sucks to lose it, and in such a bad hurtful way. of COURSE things HAVE to change when one person gets feelings, but you can deal with it better so that things dont end THIS badly.

its ok to put “personal reasons” for “reason for leaving.”

maybe try to put “personal reasons, good standing with employer, rehirable”


Consider the Worst-Case Scenario

With 7% of respondents to the CareerBuilder survey saying they had to leave a job after a breakup, you’ll be glad you did some critical thinking before jumping into any new relationship with a colleague.


has a lot of links in it believe it or not!



heh there is lots of stuff on communicating with them about ground rules and such. well what if they dont WANT to communicate with you hahahaha.

well i am sure if i stuck around longer we might eventually communicate, be like ok this is stupid, obviously you dont like me, but we cant go on WORKING this way!!!! and maybe figured something out. or maybe not.

i notice none of these articles mention anything like being so distraught you cant even do your job!!!! and all of these people seemed to have easy jobs hahaha.


google “working with your ex” to bring up some good results


this one says 6 month rule to get over your “ex”

also in this one, the “exes” are contacting each other almost trying to get back with each other, and you are supposed to kindly but firmly say NO! i am no longer your emotional support system!

but what if you WANT THEM BACK and they come back?

i assume the article assumes that both people agreed on the breakup?

dont know what thats like, i thought you always get dumped and then you want the “ex” to reconsider, come back to you, get your ex back.com hahahaha.

food that shit.

but yeah communication is important in working with the “ex”. no shit. communication is very important when dealing with anybody really, but especially a would be lover. it would be nice if the women recognized that fact instead of bailing out immediately. hahahah they are worse quitters than i am. they quit relationships like i quit jobs hahahaha.



so i am technically a millennial but i am an OLD millennial, i am near the cutoff, it gets into a gray area with generation X, i am not a Peak Millennial, and I do not identify with the always connected, every person is replaceable and has an expiration date, shallowness of human relationships, of many millennials. and am more Spiritual and less Career Oriented, and Less Progressive, and More Traditional.

I did not ALWAYS have a Cell Phone. I did not have a Cell Phone until 2006. I never had a Smart Phone.

I remember getting the first Family Computer in 1995. I used it to write of course. I want to say we got Dial Up Internet in like 1997 or 98. I enjoyed it, it was a game changer for sure. However I would not know what a Social Network was for another 8 years or so.

I signed up for Facebook in 2005 when you still needed an edu email address. I was recently grad from college, and never used facebook during actual college.

i think i technically used facebook BEFORE i used Myspace! the middle class kids who Went Away to College had Facebook, the more working class kids who didnt, used myspace. i was using both myspace and facebook simultaneously.

anyway thats about it. for example my female former friend was signif younger than me and is a much bigger millennial. so secs means nothing to her, its just somethign you do with any guy you’ve known for longer than 1 hour. except me hahahahaha. me im worse than a cheater or raper. hahahaha.

well i thought you couldnt cheat on women because they were always cheating on you first! or everything is always an open relationship with women, so they are always dating multiple people at all times!

no, once in a while a woman falls in love with a man, in the way that men fall in love with women, and women want the men to be committed to them, and HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A WOMAN SCORNED when that man cheats on the woman and breaks her heart.

i always found it hard to believe that men can break womens hearts, but it happens! it happened to my FFF from the sleazebag guy she short term dated for longer than i ever dated a woman hahahaha. she was in luv with him and wanted to be exclusive but he was a dirty cheater, broke her heart, and i think devastated her. i dunno. we never talked about it much. we were already on the outs. hehe. i bet she would have quit her job if she worked with HIM.

heh. anyone who uses the phrase “COOL AS A CUCUMBER” is probably all right with me. you can tell a lot about a person by the phrases they use. you can develop an instant connection with them hahahaha. or its a fake connection, a fantasy all in your mind.

this is why you gotta be constantly interrogating people to find our who they REALLY are, and how REAL your connection actually is. the person who says cool as a cucumber may actually be a sociopath that treats people like garbage.

well i have to convince myself that i did not DESERVE to be treated like garbage, and that that does not PROVE i am a sociopath abuser who would abuse all women, or who even abused HER at all. if anything she abused ME hahahaha.

then the next step is to accept she is just a decent person doing an bad thing not out of intent to hurt. but just because she is overwhelmed and just cant deal with that, so she shut down.

fook. it takes $15000 to take a 10 month HVAC training program. that is 4 hours a day of HVAC skool, 4 days a week. Fifteen Thousand Dollars. I mean maybe i would have gone as 5000 dollars. but 15000 is insane.

anyway if she did just Shut Down I wish she would Start Back Up and attempt to apologize for hurting me.

but yeah point is, whenever i hurt somebody, which is not a regular thing thank god, I don’t INTEND to hurt them. if i hurt her i never INTENDED to hurt her.

i would think most non sociopaths never INTEND to hurt people. they just go ahead and cheat because their body says yes yes yes in the moment. emotionally compromised. then they get carried away and hurt people without intending. are too selfish and opportunistic and get caught up in the moment and just do stuff without thinking about it.

maybe even sociopaths dont go OUT OF THEIR WAY to hurt people, but they just DONT CARE when they hurt people. that is still pretty damn bad.

she might even care that i’ve been hurt! but the onus has never been on her more to contact me. ive contacted her again and again and again. shit the ball has been in her court ever since the beginning of this conflict.

creative jobs are gay. its hard enough to be creative “naturally”, unrestrained, freeform, in the way of your choosing. but when its your JOB to be creative in the Limned Manner to fit somebody else’s Vision and Mission, to force yourself to be creative 9-10 hours a day in the way that THEY tell you, and to come up with a new Creative Idea every 20 to 30 minutes, and youre not coming up with enough creative ideas, or these creative ideas are not creative in the right way………..i would say take your creativity and stick it up your candy ass, i’m getting a non creative job.

like be creative about this, not about that.

but maybe its not like that. these career oriented people are Very Happy to be Creative in the Way their Employer tells them. well good for them.

so she is super immature and cant deal with relationships, and i am somehow more mature? because i want to communicate?  yet her shortest rel is longer than my longest rel? and her longest rel is super damn long? no i think she was more than willing to communicate in those situations. she wanted to communicate with those men, they just didnt want to communicate with her.

hahaha maybe shes just not mature enough to know how to handle when men want to communicate with her.

we never want to communicate with people who want to communicate with us hahahaha. stupid.

well its different with me because she never liked me, and she never wanted to like me, and wanted to avoid the reality of me liking her, just like i wanted to avoid the reality of her not liking me!!!!!

taking 1 benadryl once every 3 days, took one last night and went to bed early. good way to cope i guess.

i keep operating under the assumption that she read my heartfelt emails begging for communication. begging for respect and closure. but in reality, she prob never read them. but did she DELETE them? i dunno. will she read them LATER? now that you put it THAT way…….probably NOT!

it would have been a LOT better for my confidence, already not my strong suit, for to simply say, SORRY, ITS NOT YOU ITS ME. like every other gurl says. that encapsulates both an apology, some sort of definitive Statement of Communication, and the attempt to spare your ego and to let you down easy.

but now, i can either assume i am a total piece of shit who doesnt deserve respect, OR that she is immature and just cant deal with this situation.

well, scenario 2 is not far off. i KNOW she is Conflict Avoidant. and maybe if she were in luv with me, she would have made an effort to communicate, like she did with the other men. but she wasnt in luv with me. she connected with me BECAUSE i was not in luv with her. at that time at least.

i was NON THREATENING. as soon as i got feelings, she felt threatened and scared and ran away like a frightened animal.

she might be emotionally immature insofar as she cant communicate With Men Shes Not In Luv With, but she was savvy enough to pick up on my signals that Things Had Changed.

I am historically horrible with signals though. because the last woman was terrible at signals. she couldnt even do signals! but she could do direct clear communication though, so, that’s really honestly a lot better!

its weird that people can do signals, but not actual communication with words.

well, she CAN do communication with words, she just didnt WANT to.

or she was just too SCARED to, like the deer running away.

cant even drink COFFEE any more because it makes me poop too much. it does not have this effect on EVERYBODY. it affected me at my job, drinking coffee to try to sharpen my mind and make me sound smart and alert, and then running to bathroom for explosive but small poops every hour. it was fooking annoying!!!!! plus you get frowned upon for leaving your desk excessively.

i enjoy coffee though. i enjoy the taste, the caffeine, the smell, everything about it.

but i am trying more tea and less coffee now. i did some “research” and it is probably a compound in coffee, not caffeine, that i dont think is in tea.

if you want to hang out with a gurl but dont know what to do, invite her to coffee or tea. in england they drink TEA 90000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 times a day. I think this is a great tradition. they have TEA ready for their guests at any time of day, for any occaision, at work, at home, literally whenever two people are talking, its the perfect time for tea. there is nothing quite like that in the US. so give it a shot and if the bitch balks and thinks its creepy and weird, look her right in the eyes and smirk and say suck my dick, bitch, i think im due.

and then you just sit and drink coffee or tea and talk and get to know each other. smoke cigarettes maybe. i did this with my female former friend back in the day when we used to get along.

smoking a hookah is also a good alternative as well.

“hookah bars” are kinda sleazy and degenerate though, anything that encourages casual sex. avoid anything SEXY unless the gurl wants to have secs with you. just find an Unsexy place where Men Only would go to smoke hookahs and have important, Smart Man Talk.

“Cheating” the very WORD itself implies a one sidedness, deception, dishonesty.

i mean i would have casual sex with a gurl if i were horny, she were good looking, she was ready and willing. and i would say babe lets do this with other people too because i dont really have feelings for ya. that would be fine.

but when you get two people together who want different things out of each other, that’s where the pain starts. when you want to be monogamous and you want the other person to feel the same way………but they dont. here comes da boom hahahahaha.

just had enough stupid coffee type poop. god damn thats annoying. i could very well have Irritable Bowel Sydrome because Irritable is the perfect description of Muh Bowelz.

so, she needed me to be the drama feel male, the guy who didnt like her, then i was safe and non threatening. ok i can get that. and so when i changed, that totally changed me, despite all my unread claims that “im still the same person.” and IMHO, I AM. im still the same person, just with this one importantly changed component. but to her, i was a completely changed person. well, it does completely change the relationship i’ll grant. all the more reason to communicate abotu that change IMHO!

hehehe is there a PILL that can give you CONFIDENCE.

god damn just say its not you its me! how hard is that!

even I know thats the right way to communicate! Me, who has never had even a Medium Term Rel with a Woman!

I know the right way to communicate, i just havent had the CHANCE yet, by muh early Thirties. just keep failing before i get to that point. but its not for want of Knowing The Right Way To Communicate. Its for Want of the woman Like Liking me.

for want of a nail, the ship was lost, for want of a something, i’m thinking of that ridiculous tom waits song “misery is the river of the world.”

whats the worst thing i ever did to a woman? well, i was real upset about woman3 who rejected me in 2005 and i basically terrorized her whenever i saw her. i didnt REALLY stalk her, but i talked mad shit about her, calling her a filthy heartless two faced whore, spitting beer on her car, letting everybody know how much i hated her and how shitty she was, i was publicly heartbroken and hurt and basically BULLYING her and trying to turn everybody against her.

ultimately i was more hurt by my own stupid behavior. i had just graduated from college and should have been focused on my career.

i didnt want to communicate with her especially! i just wanted to either get back together with her, or never see her again! i was also butthurt that she had moved in right next door to me, so i wanted to punish her for that. that was a big deal.  i really cant see the person right after getting dumped. plus she was back with her x boifran and i hated seeing her going out with him and looking all happy, while i was fooking devastated.

and we sort of did communicate after that. one day we had kind of a heart to heart talk where she basically gave me the apology i was looking for, like i didnt realize how much it would hurt you for me to move next door to you.  i sort of appreciated that attempt at empathy.

but yeah i never stalked or got violent towards her. the most violent i would get is a damn tearful weepy conversation with her where i would cry “this is really hard for me to get over.” then i would bully her behind her back hahahaha.

so that is the worst thing i have ever done to a woman, is react less than gracefully when i was dumped and heartbroken.

never cheated, never lied. never strung someone along, never was dishonest for months, never was twofaced or living a double life.

also my drinking back then didnt help. that made me more shameful and pathetic and angry. in the end i was much worse to myself than i was to her however! she became a successful and respected Intellectual Academic PhD who probably got a tenure professor job at a Good University.

and i was a 900000000000 times smarter than her hahahahaha and cant even make 15DAH, cant get a 1 year monogamous rel. the most batshit crazy bipolar borderline women ive ever known, the worst communicators ever, the most emotionally immature, can get 1 year monog rels EASY.

guys are much less quick to dump gurls than women are to dump guys. OBVIOUSLY. but to all the college faggots out there, think about that one!

funny, i am talking to hypothetical people from my middle class college, real middle class progressive NYCfags i never would have associated with anyway! my actual friends from middle class college were much more down to earth.

and the people from my “upper working class” hood who went to “upper working class college” near that hood, i dont think they have such stupid progressive marxist ideas about Women and Diversity and just are not as Culturally Marxist. this university was not as Culturally Marxist in other words. and that is a very very good thing.

but i think the higher status the university, the more marxist its gonna be. weird uh?

the MORE bourgeois, the MORE marxist? bbbbbbbut i thought marxists HATE the bourgeois!

protip: the most hardcore marxist true believers……..ARE bourgeois. Marx himself came from a bourgeois background. i think hahahahahaha.

but yeah i wish i had stayed in my hood with My People and gone to a univ that was more filled with My People. The Marxist Diversity killed me hahahahaha. no all the middle class brainwashed twits killed me. people who did not respect human nature. people who say men and women are the same and that casual sex is empowering for women, as the Victim Class, to fight back against the Oppressor Class and Patriarchy that has oppressed them. so go out and fook as many guys as possible and so what if you break the hearts of some Sensitive Traditional Boy hahahahaha. oh well. small price to pay. tiny loss for the greater good.

i mean all the women were batshit crazy and promiscuous as fook. disgusting, this is not what women should be like. but they didnt know any better!

anyway college needs to be less of a degenerate middle class brainwashing. i had no idea how bad it would really be.

again that was my middle class high status college. the average normie college was probably much better in terms of not being horribly degenerate.