ON THE JOB TRAINING IS NOT TRAINING AT ALL

aug 27

sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit.

i mean i study the companies before doing the interviews. i write thank you emails. i dress nice. i shave my face. i act very interested in the job. i ask questions at the end. what the hell am i doing wrong hahahaha. my fatal flaw is that i get a little nervous. and that i have such a long GAP. something must be DEEPLY WRONG with me. he needs SERIOUS HELP. he SHOULDNT BE working. or, he thinks hes gonna work HERE? HA! he needs to PAY HIS DUES first! get a job at walmart or mcdonalds or a shitty restaurant or call center, show that youre WILLING TO WORK first, before you can get an AWESOME job like this!

this is for that phone interview on monday. looks like the company is more reputable than i thought. winning all these best places to work awards, having many skilled and respected engineers, a destination kind of employer, that only wants the best of the best. which i am not. but i was when i was 17-18!

also my problem is that i cant just suck it up and live through a shitty job. it breaks me down into a Dumpster Fire and then I end up Committing Career Suicide and moving DOWN the career ladder ultimately. i dont really pay dues but get actively punished.

then i see all the people with engin degrees working for this palce, making 60k, thinking DAMN, I went to a TOP SKOOL, I went to a better skool than THEY did, why didnt I just get a damn ENGIN degree, then I could be making 60k too, I could have a wife and a FAMILY, and a good job, instead of being a huge neet loser who cant deal with LIFE.

and get angry and discouraged and slow down on muh job search hahaha.

yeah well today i am studying the company so i sound informed on muh 15 minute phone interview monday. see if its enough to overcompensate and get me a physical interview. prob not hahahaha.

then tomorrow i will study the company for tuesday int. much more of a blue collar place. but they are big and they have been around a while. not some fly by night arab company hahahaha. or shitty crab people asian company.

shit i had way more confidence in 2013 when i was working my mickey mouse job and was becoming close friends with That Woman.

see im desperate but i also cant take just any job because if i take a super shitty call center or customer service job, i am very worried about muh emotional health, and would i snap and quit. i dont want to put myself into a position like that so i avoid applying for those kinda jobs. high stress jobs hahahaha.

thinking about partying tonight with a valium nyquil combo. it is saturday nigth after all.

so, have a better feeling about the tuesday interview than the monday interview as a job i could actually GET. but i feel the monday place would be more fun and chill and better workplace than the tuesday place. well of COURSE its HARD to get into a GOOD workplace! the easier the job is to get, the WORSE the job is gonna be, the more it is gonna push you to your Limit.  and not in the good way hahahaha.

aug 28

took the valium nyquil combo around 645 pm, did 4.2 mile powerwalk, went to bed, slept pretty good. the combo i guess chilled me out a little bit and made me sleep good. would still prefer partaking MJ hahahaha.

it shuts your mind down, you cant think negative thoughts because it takes too much effort to think at all hahahaha. in other words it might be difficult to WORK, where you are trying to solve problems and bullshit on your feet all day. explaining and bullshitting and coming up with plans and reasons and explanations and answers and solutions.

sheeeeeeeit. it might be That Womans birthday very very soon. thankfully it doesnt bother me as much as youd think it would. one of my goals was to spend a womans birthday with her and have birthday cuddling with them, or having them spend my birthday with me and have birthday cuddling. or secs. or handholding. or making out. or hanging out.

never happened though hahahahahahaha. 2 years ago i went to dinner with my female friend and it was near her birthday and i was right on the CUSP of starting to feel differently about her. but not quite sure i was there yet. but i was getting very close.

in fact i wasnt even sure what her exact birthday was. it takes a while before someones birthday is a big deal for you.  you gotta know them at least a year.

and the next year of course i would ahve really liked to spend her bday with her but by that time we were DONE.

and now we’ve been DONE for a full YEAR after that.

i heard this song when this album came out in 1998, 18 years ago hahahaha and i was a stupid angsty high schooler listening to the weekly radio metal show. i thought the song was very catchy and epic and it was the first time i enjoyed anything like power metal.

i never listened to the whole album. i will now give it a chance hehehehe.

hmm very sleepy and tired today, the day after the nyquil. i guess thats not suprising.

cheap “skullcandy” earbuds lasted only 2 weeks. what cheap chinese crap. one ear went out then the other ear went out very quickly. one ear is bad enough and time to buy a new pair of cheap chinese throwaway garbage.

537 that is my new goal hahahaha. 537 job applications hahahaha. i get 1 interview for roughly every 21.4 applications hehehehe. and so if i want 25 interviews, then 537.

i am “only” at 386 so far.

i have been slowing down lately, getting a bit discouraged.

maybe i should contact her on her birthday hahahahahahaha. no i am just joking.

 

did SHE ever contact ME on MY birthday? HELL NO! she didnt even KNOW when my birthday was! although i kinda make it hard. you have to ask me and then mark it down on your calendar. which nobody does because they just use facebook to remember birthdays hahahaha.

but yeah at one time she was a real friend and i havent found any new friends to fill that friend gap. and i liked having that kind of person playing that kind of role in my life. i mean shit it was a two way street too, i was playing the same role in her life too.

ok  went to shitstore and bought some shitty 10 dollar sony earbuds that i HOPE will last 1 month.

listen to some of the hammerfall album, see if its any good. need more positive shit hahahaha.

was listening to george feels and he had a very sad pathetic feelsy video and i was like yep i shouldnt listen to this, this is not gonna help me. something basically how he had done nothing with the past 3 years of his life, his biggest accomplishment was not jerking off for 100 days hahahaha. in 3 fookin years. so he felt bad about that and then i felt bad too about not accomplishing anything with my life either hahaha.

well i did accomplish a bit in the past 3 years: moved from old job to new job, became close friends with that woman, pushed myself to the limit with new job, did some super amazing shit that i lose sight of now, and cant convince employers that once i was valuable hahahaha, went on road trip with old friend, fell in luv with female friend, saw 3 classic concerts, discovered trs, and then shit started going bad, rel with woman fell apart, lost job, got dumped, was in a state of deep despair for months, started a gym membership for the first time in life, lost 30 pounds, applied to 386 jobs and went on 18 interviews, got 2 new good suits. so yeah id say i accomplished more than george hahahahaha in the past 3 years. there was some epically BAD shit, as well as some pretty good shit too, but the bad shit has been what i remembered most and what i am lingering in now.

anyway POINT IS, there was plenty of good shit or not bad shit, or at least forward moment or personal improvement.

but all the good shit happened in the first half, and all the bad shit happened in the second half, so the bad shit is all i remember.

well, losing the 30 pounds is a big deal and i am doing that right now.

so is buying the suit, and doing the interviews.

but the interviews also suck because they dont lead to anything.

inherently, the interviews are a good thing and i should view them as such, rather than DISQUALIFYING THE POSITIVE. and saying yeah interviews a normally all right, but THESE interviews arent so good because they dont RESULT in anything.

yes in our results oriented world its difficult saying something that doesnt have any results is a good thing.

but each abortion failure of an interview hahahaha is getting me closer to my goal of 25.

and the interviews arent really abortion failures. i look all right, i sound smart, although a little nervous, i show that ive done my homework on the company, i write thank you notes, i am one of 4 finalists for a 45k job, i mean come on these are all good things.

but the overall general shame of being an unemployable neet bum is SUCH MAGNITUDE hehehehe that it casts a shadow on all the other shit.

anyway, point is, there is a DECENT AMOUNT of good stuff ive done the past 3 years…..its just overshadowed by the bad shit because the bad shit was more recent, and honestly it was ABSOLUTELY DEVASTATING. it was probably greater magnitude than the positive stuff was positive. but there WAS still somewhat DECENT magnitude of positiveness on the positive stuff.

PLUS, we always interpret bad things worse than we interpret good things as good. in other words, really good shit WEARS OFF QUICKLY, while bad shit lingers. so we need like 5 good things to lift us up for every 1 bad thing. defeat feels much worse than victory feels good. FACT.

anyway point is george has his more positive videos and his more negative videos, and i should stay away from the neg ones. and so should he. being that we are very much alike and struggle with the same problems.

and just like him i need to focus on the positive and essentially IGNORE the negative. because its focusing on the negative and IGNORING THE POSITIVE that has gotten us in this horrible mindset. low energy, very low confidence, lazy, neet, in a rut, spinning the wheels, not trying, giving up easily, defeatist, etc.

i listened to a bit of the hammerfall and it made me want to listen to judas priest “painkiller” so i did. i guess they have similar sounding productions and the drum bit at the beginning of the album is a direct tribute to painkiller possibly. but the hammerfall is definitely a bit more “power metal” and the singer doesnt really sound like halford. which is FINE. halford is awesome, but i wanted something a bit more power metally anyway. like ridiculous, somewhat epic songs and songs about warriors and courage and all that. whereas judas priest is arguably not very power metally while at the same time influencing every power metal band….they never fully went that way themselves, because they were sorta reinventing themselves on every album.

probably iron maiden is the more power metally band.

 

JUST BECAUSE SOMETHING MAKES SENSE DOESNT MEAN IT DOESNT SUCK DONKEY D1CK

aug 5

yeah so the idea of creativity and design and human centered and innovation bla bla it all sounds REALLY good, its some GREAT bullshit. i mean nobody, left or right, white or jooish, can deny that Creativity is a Good Thing. and it’s fun and confidence building and healthy to BE creative. any cynic who bitches about how creativity is bullshit is just butthurt that they aren’t creative. i do that alot. bitch about x because im butthurt about not being x. its degenerate and wicked and jooish, etc.

cant really do that about creativity. shit I would LIKE to be more creative. I used to be more creative before muh emotional issues really put the kibosh on that. being creative means you can think your way out of problems and hopefully act on them. and really fix the problems.

i was creative this morning. usually i make weak coffee with 4 scoops. when i was at the creativity office, they had some pretty good coffee, but since normie coffee is too strong for me, i have to dilute it with water. So i thought, well why dont I just make stronger coffee at home, then add water to it, that way i dont have to make 2 pots of coffee a day. just make 1 pot of stronger coffee and add water to it AFTER making making it, when i am pouring muhself a cup. mix it with some water then.

see how SIMPLE that is? yet I didnt think of it until I was 35 years old hahahaha. because muh creativity is THAT weakened. its hard to think of solutions when you are anxious and despairing. this impairs your judgement and give you BRAIN FOG. you cling to any kind of safety or security or certainty you can find, because youre tired and weak from being confused and uncertain and HELPLESS.

when you are DROWNING, you dont have the LUXURY of being creative. you just want a damn life raft or something that FLOATS that you can GRAB ONTO and hold on for dear life. thats as creative as you can be.

but im not REALLY drowning! thats ALL IN MY MIND!

own worst enemy, imaginary prison, afraid of freedom, fear is the mindkiller etc

but yeah it is very hard to break those Psychic Chains hahahaha. Correct the Cognitive Distortions.

anyway a year later after the shit with the woman its easier to put it in perspective and not hate her so much, and not blame myself so much, which is HUGE. i thought i did something HORRIBLE which caused her to HATE me.

in fact she probably didnt hate me, and the simplest solution is the best one: she was just scared and confused and overwhelmed, fight or flight kicked in, I wanted to fight, and she wanted to flight. so she ran away. I have run away from situations before, not because they did me wrong or I hated them per se. I ran away because I was scared and panicking because I felt I JUST COULDNT HANDLE IT!!!!!!!!!! I JUST CANT HANDLE THIS!!!!!!!! so you run away. and thats the ALL the explanation there really IS. get scared, run away. and then you cant really approach the person to convince them theres nothing to be scared of. becuase they keep running away. nothing you can do but let them run away. which i ultimately did. the end.

theres ignoring, THEN theres “actively” avoiding, THEN theres running away. we gradually escalated through all three stages there.

im not sure a manipulative niceguy would have driven that escalation like I did! I NEEDED A RESOLUTION! I wasnt WAITING TO POUNCE!

so yeah its important to personally believe i wasnt the bad guy, i wasnt the niceguy fake friend manipulator. it was just unfortuante and sad situation where we couldnt resolve our problems and she ran away from them because she was too scared to DEAL with them.

which is understandable! sheeeeeeeeeit I feel EVERY DAY like I cant DEAL WITH LIFE itself! I’ve done plenty of running away myself!

its like in dreams where you are just running and running away from some sort of monster.

well maybe she didnt think I was a monster, but she certainly found the situation monstrous and terrifying. ok I totally get that.

so yeah it is starting to make a lot more sense, and that gives me real closure. it sucks total donkey dick, but it makes sense. but it still sucks!

JUST BECAUSE SOMETHING MAKES SENSE DOESNT MEAN IT DOESNT SUCK DONKEY DICK!

see THESE are healthy thoughts, this is how a normie thinks, how a confident winner normie nonvrigin nonneet DEALS WITH problems in their life.  by taking a HEALTHY perspective on them.

wow i guess that means i am having a good day today. well thank GOD hahahaha.

im not even that upset about not getting that great job. I still feel sorta confident from even just having the interview and being one of 4 finalists. out of 100 applicants!

well I would have expected more applicants frankly. at least 200.

https://upfrommorallylazyloserness.wordpress.com/2016/08/05/6235/

this post shows some early hints of Rational Thinking way back in january 2016 when I wrote it. so not even 6 months out, I was getting some good perspective on it. of course i certainly wasnt fully healed, i still am not, and then i was MUCH more lazy on muh job search. i was still running away from that.

yeahi mean shit its like forrest gump running away kind of. he wanted to run back to the safety of home….but when he was an older man, that didnt even do it for him. so he just kept running and running  and running until he was tired of running. that manipulative joo movie portrays it very nicely, in some ways, that movie is very very good and of course I identify with forrest more than most people. kinda like a big naive child who doesnt really fit in. and falls in luv with the worst women ever hahahahaha.

I would have gotten along with forrest well I think and probably been a good friend to him hehehe. and i wouldnt die early like bubba and i wouldnt be all bipolar like lt dan. well, maybe i would hahahaha.

really lt dan should have stayed alongside forrest after their shrimp company blew up, and lt dan should have played a big role in keeping forrest away from that horrible skank jennay. i dont think jennay was an evil bad person, but she was just a totally ruined woman who was POISON to everyone around her. its sad really. and really its better for you to stay far far away from these Toxic, Poisonous people. They need to help themselves first. Jennay should have gone to a goy shrink when she was very young, before she turned into a drug whore always running away and breaking forrests heart 9000000 times. she did not deserve a good man like him.

at least thats what i get out of the movie, and i appreciate the movie for showing such a tragic, poisonous woman…..but i’m not sure thats what i was supposed to get out of it hahahahaha. and this just proves i am an unregenerate woman hater hahahaha.

SO BE IT. I HATE WOMEN. SO WHAT. DEAL WITH IT.

the two WOMEN I interviewed with yesterday didnt think i was a WOMAN HATER. or the Woman Manager I Initiated a Conversation with at the Creative Idea Design Space. They were nice to me and I was nice to them.

i HATE not having the “luxury” to CALL SOMEBODY BACK. shit give me 15 minutes, I will look into this, and CALL YOU BACK. we couldnt really do that at the job. you had to get permission to call somebody back. which wouldnt be given because there were Calls In Queue. so you had to do EVERYTHING with the caller on HOLD. put the caller on hold for 5 minutes just to ask for permission to call them back, and get rejected, then tell the caller you just wasted 5 minutes with them on hold hahahahaha.

yet another reason why i do not want to go back to a damn call center. they are able to get “LEAN” so that there is no downtime, so that there ALWAYS IS callers in queue, because if there is not a lot of calls, they can just send people home like they do at a restaurant.

not all places send people home when it gets slow!

but you gotta have a degree from cornell loaded with prestigious internships to get one of those jobs, hahahaha.

my school was not as prestigious as CORNELL or STANFORD. but it was definitely within shouting distance. a lot of our people went to Grad School at cornell or stanford or places like that.

but not me! I went on to struggle to make more than 10k a year for the next 11 years after college! with no cuddles hahahaha

heh damn recruiter called, said they found my resume on careerbuilder, i lied and said i found a new position, then went right to careerbuilder and saw all my shit was private.

they probable saved my info in their system back when my shit was not private. hmm. im surprised they remember people like that, in the sense of creating and maintaining their own pool, rather than saying fook all these people, let’s just go right back to careerbuilder and get NEW resumes!

maybe that means i was in a “high value” pool that they wanted to contact several times? be persistent with this guy becuase he’s good? hehehehehe. see that is the RIGHT way to interpret this uncertainty.

pick up tailored suit from arabs today, they were super expensive, wont go back. they have great reviews tho.

AGAIN! THAT KID IS ON THE ESCALATOR AGAIN!

The INFAMOUS job that got 1000 applicants in 3 days for the entry level college student 13 DAH job, is being posted AGAIN about 2 or 3 weeks later!

HOW COULD NOT ONE OF THOSE THOUSAND PEOPLE BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR THIS JOB???

SOMETHING WEIRD IS GOING ON HERE.

Shit yeah I will apply for it AGAIN, and count it towards my numbers again.

NO company should EVER hire from the outside for ANYTHING but an entry level position.  I can’t get creative enough to think of a GOOD reason, without sounding like total jooish bullshit.

hire a manager from another company while you have EXCELLENT level 1 people who would LOVED to be promoted AND who do GREAT work and KNOW their shit.

or the alternative is, you give them more responsibility and more work to make them FEEL like they’ve been promoted, maybe even gie you a fancier job title if you’re really lucky, but NO increase in pay. NONE.

so you are doing MORE for the SAME.

i mean shit yeah it makes SENSE, this all makes SENSE. the way it makes SENSE for a parasite to suck its host dry when there is an OVERSUPPLY OF HOSTS!!!!!! they can kill their host and it doesnt kill THEM (see the scorpion and the frog fable) because there is always another host!

THE SCORPION ALWAYS HAS ANOTHER FROG TO JUMP TO!!!!!!

which, of course completely Subverts and Ruins the MORAL of the fable. well, Subverting and ruining morals is what they do best isnt it?

anyway the idea is that by following its predatory nature, the scorpion “accidentally” kills the frog who is carrying it to safety, therefore killing himself.

YOUVE KILLED US, YOU ARROGANT ASS!!!!.wav

but in reality, the scorpion never has to face consequences for its actions because there’s another frog it can jump to once the previous frog dies. i guess women are like this too. they get away with it because they CAN get away with it and there will NEVER be a shortage of people who LET them get away with it.

women: the joos of the human race hahahaha. the joos of the genders hahaha.

i am now approaching andrew anglin level hatred of da joos hahahaha.

so if mill woes was the man of the year 2015, then the goys of TRS in general are the men of the year 2016. for sure. for sure. jim, sheeitlawd, ryan nation of one, seventh son, natt, otto, sam, k1ke enoch, all the great guys on the forum, and the podcasts i dont listen to, lets throw in andre anglin and weev too, they are great.

there are two kinds of mgtows: those that turn back once they reach Race Realism, and those that go boldly into that world. guess which one i am hahahaha.

in other words, eventually ALL mgtows reach the race question. its an inevitable, logical conclusion. and i dont think its logical to turn back. to say oh no i just want to engineer robot waifus, but being a racist is just dumb and ridiculous and bad. COME ON.

i think it gives a very healthy perspective for mgtows women hate. like you accept how ridiculous women are, and now you have the courage to actually DEAL with them, rather than AVOID them like mgtows. courage vs cowardice.

now i am a coward but im glad I chose the path of courage at least hahahaha.

picked up my newly tailor gray suit. i guess you could call it a dark gray as opposed to a Medium Average Gray. oh well. sill looks good and it doesnt look BLACK. I wanted to stay away from BLACK because NOBODY wears black suits and it just looks WEIRD. you are either a gangster, the blues brothers, or an orthodox j00, or amish, an orthodox russian. i mean some of these things are not bad……but none of them are NORMIE. they do not inspire confidence in the unconfident. you have to already be confident to pull off that weirdness. otherwise people will just think youre a weirdo, and it DOES matter what other people want, because you are always trying to GET something from them. SELL shit to them. they are your CUSTOMER. employers and women. and actual customers for that matter.

but yeah i absolutely have to apply to 4 better 5 jobs today, i have been “off” the past few days. i mean i have been busy doing stuff. doing this 2 day study, having 2 interviews, hey thats plenty hehehehe. also i have been more inspired in writing and thinking positively, so i want to capitalize on that.

although i did have a brief fantasy about degenerately banging the attractive “milf” type women I saw at the research study. basically just imagining them being very degenerate and slutty, why wouldnt a milf be, obviously theyre damaged goods, so then i respond in kind by having very ruff secs with them. i mean these are the types of women who like to be choked and slapped during secs and just treated like GARBAGE. NOT the type of woman you marry EVER.

unfortuantely that led to me having very degenerate thoughts about them! not the tender luving secs you have with your tender luving waifu!

which is easier to think of the nondegen stuff when you view the woman as being YOUNG AND nondegen herself. a young fair maiden. rather than some worn out old skank with plenty of obvious miles on the engine.

dont give your most valuable resource away for FREE!!!

it MATTERS!!!! stop pretending like it doesnt!! and women FALL for this RUSE completely! and its so shameful and disgusting!

and the woman i wanted to spend the rest of muh life with and have 3 white children with, would rather give up her white womb EASILY to packs of wild ingras than even LISTEN to me say please be nicer to me, did I ever mean anything to you.

guy on TRSF recommends doing a “3 day water fast” basically meaning, dont eat anything for 3 days, but you can drink water. he claims it resets your system, like rebooting your whole body, you can quickly lose some extra weight, wel, you might lose some muscle too so maybe dont do it if you are BULKING hahahaha.

supposedly the first 2 days are hard but the third day is easy and where you will notice the benefits. you wont even WANT to eat your favorite foods.

and hopefully when you end the fast, you will be reprogrammed to not want to eat as much.

he recommends doing a 3 day fast once every 3 months.

http://www.gq.com/story/six-day-water-fast-diet

http://jamesclear.com/the-beginners-guide-to-intermittent-fasting

i guess i kind of already DO intermittent fasting, ie doing all your eating for the day within an 8 hour window.

http://www.nateliason.com/5-day-water-fast-health-benefits/

water fasting.

sheeeeit wanted to play some cards finally, and nobody in there.

when good men go crazy or freak out or quit things or snap or disappear…………………….

there’s usually a woman behind it all. some bitch breaking his heart. and then he goes off the deep end. his heart and his luv were a lot more pure and good than her uterus and her heart.

maybe i should impregnate nonwhites but not take of the mixed race kids, so as to “ruin” their genetic line and to essentially make them more white hahahahaha. but what are the chances they will mate with whites to have whiter kids? also…..well basically this mixed bastard would ideally be a woman, who is herself impregnated by white men. but what if its a mixed man? do I want him mixing with a white woman to create a whiter child than him?

theres no easy solution when trying to “breed out” a certain race by diluting it with whiteness hehehe.

you basically need to genocide the males and turn the females into brood mares for whites. then repeat the cycle until the people are 92% white.

this is SO MUCH WORK. It would be easier just to Send All Nonwhites Back. A lot easier and more efficient and quicker and less autistic ahaha.

but a key lesson is, males can get away with race mixing, women can’t. exactly because women are more reproductively VALUABLE.

i mean ok. it kinda made sense in times of war and imperial conquest. like white men conquering african nations and making mixed bastards. but its not a good long term strategy for whites to live there i guess. i mean in the end you just get brazil. how what is brazil. i mean the whitest whites segregate themselves….and i cant blame them!!!!!

moral of the story, just dont race mix. men or women. no good can come of it. its interesting to think of how you could “whiten” nonwhites with strategic breeding but……i dunno its just not a good roi in the long run. too resource intensive.

bbbbbut not if you just exterminate all the mixed MALE fetuses, and the white men who breed with the mixed women don’t waste any of their RESOURCES on these women. but then who takes care of the women? the state I guess. then you have this whole slave caste essentially.

but they get released out of slavery once they are 92% white. and one day the slavery ends.

but i think that “LEGACY” of slavery would be with them just like with the blacks today.

especially for the first generation of children to be Born Free, ie above 92% or whatever. they only have memories of their mother being a brood slave. yeah but they dont even KNOW their mother. they could be put up into ADOPTION with a white family and then never told about their history. that might work hahahaha.

AYO HOL UP so youre tellin me there are qt white girls from carribean islands like the cayman islands, bahamas, bermuda, etc? I thought they were all black. (watching olympic intro ceremony with all the countries proceeding in. kinda interesting.)

are these all athletes? i mean there are qt gurls for the majority of countries, even not the whitest of countries. like cayman islands, or chile, or kazakstan. like kazakstan, most people look like finngolians, but a few people look whitish! i mean shit. cryprus has some qts, even colombia.

aug 6

really the breeding whiteness into nonwhites idea is SO AUTISTIC. the easiest and best solution is simply sterilize nonwhites. there would be no camps, no ovens. just sterlize them or send them back, even give them money when you send them back.  that would be tax dollars well spent.

ok what if i found the perfect woman, but she was 50% nonwhite. SOME of these gurls can be really qt. and still look pretty white. but keep in mind barry is half white and he looks black and you dont even remember hes half white.

well, i am not talking about the 50% black mixes hahaha. maybe like asian or indian or something. yeah but their mother is a race traitor! unless its an asian. then their father is a race traitor beta cuck with yellow fever.

ok gotta apply for more jobs, been falling behind there.

ok gonna try a 20 hour fast today. i guess its not too unusual for me to to a 16 hour intermittent fast. so lets try 20 hours today. because i am a bit over. essentially need to skip one or two meals. come on. how hard is that.

ideally i would like to lose 10 more pounds but at this point, it is harder than ever.

i mean i dont really NEED to because i am at a healthy weight now. which so many fat bastards are unable to say.

i just think of the last time we talked and she was so awkward and distant and was like YOU SHOULD KNOW that this is over, just STAY AWAY FROM ME, I dont want anything to do with you. without actually saying that.

where i was more like, yeah were having issues, but we have been friends for almost 3 years, you cant just ASSUME this is over and even more you cant ASSUME that I should feel the exact same way, and that I’m the bad guy for not immediately accepting, welp, this is dead and over and Im simply never going to talk to you again. Thats fine. No Problem. Done and Done.

Ok so women CAN be mature and rational and reasonable…….but at TIMES when the emotions and the hormones hit, they turn IMMEDIATELY back into 13 year old girls. IDIOTS. and thats when you need to be careful. at that point they become very destructive. ticking time bombs. and then they cant be trusted whatsoever and can do very bad things. and in this window of time, the female ceo can wreck their company, while they are having this tasmanian devil tantrum.

you basically need to strap them down in a rubber room with a straitjacket until the fever passes.

i wish this emotional fever wasnt SO powerful and SO destructive!!!! It’s almost as destructive as the power of the womb is life-giving. and on the other side, this emotional fever is like an atomic bomb, dstroyer of worlds, i am become death, kali.

Although I have no working experience in blabla system, I would take the initiative to learn the system as quickly as possible by training myself in my personal time.

this is my new favorite response to that question hahahaha. I have taken to writing that on my applications for 27k entry level clerk jobs where they ask if you have experience in blabla program.

Train YOURSELF in your PERSONAL time.

Dont train yourself on THEIR time.

Dont ask THEM to train you on their time OR on your time.

but you can MAYBE pay somebody 20 dollars an hour to train you on your free time.

or pay somebody to let you watch them at work before and after your shift. pay them for giving you the service of letting you watch them.

that idea that were DONE, and you should KNOW it, even though I havent really told you whether i want us to be DONE or if i am willing to work on it, like you have expressed to me that you want to work on it. you should know that I dont. now get out of here and if you dont understand all this, youre a crazy sociopath.

Really I had no way of knowing did she want to work on this, or did she want out entirely.

Well she wasnt showing any action towards working on it, so I guess I should have interpreted it as she wanted out entirely. so i was the bad guy for not liking that and for pushing her to work on it and not just sitting by and accepting this with a smile saying THATS FINE.

i mean yeah yeah “i respect her decision” but at least try to be polite and clear with me about what your decision is.

wow the finland team is the whitest so far as far as being filled with beautiful white people, so far, well alongside denmark and slovakia. but damn those beautiful finns dont look anything like mongols!

but yeah you see how the majority of the WORLD are nasty negers and shitskins hahahaha.

hmm there was one cute blond girl on georgia. i thought georgia was almost white….but not quite. i mean the men looked like total turks hahahaha. turkroaches.

no i know they are not, georgians are strictly caucasian.

anyway its unfortuante that the qt white gurls are just SLUTTING IT UP with SO MANY GUYS in the olympic village. how many guys does the average olympic gurl add to her number over the average summer olympics? 10 guys? 20? 5? gotta be more than 5. i mean its not like theyre partying EVERY NIGHT. they have to rest before their big competition days.

i dont even know how long the olympics is. 2 weeks? how many days off do they get? 1 week? 7 days. so, assuming 1 new guy per night, 7 new dicks taken during olympics. not bad. well yes, actually its horrible. there is no reason ANY woman should EVER take 7 dicks in her entire LIFE. that’s 14 years worth of dick all in one week. assuming the decent white thing to do is

NEVER TOUCH A DICK UNLESS YOURE PREPARED TO COMMIT TWO YEARS TO IT.

ideally 3 years.

so when a beautiful, in shape white gurl takes 7 dicks in a week, rendering her unmarriageable in one fell swoop, assuming she was ok before, which she probably wasnt!!!

but boy these healthy looking smiling beautiful white gurls dont LOOK like the filthy whores they are!

very frustrating to be generally averaging like 1250 calories a day and not losing any more weight. how low do i have to go?

i mean to do this you have to do to about 1.5 meals a day. to lose weight you can only eat 1.5 meals a day. no snacks. now when i say 1 meal, i mean 1 decent sized honest meal that fills you up. a “big” meal.

people will tell you youre not EATING ENOUGH.

my question is when does FASTING become ANOREXIA. you can FAST for 20 to 30 days.

thinking about taking a VALIUM tonight. just to see what it does. will it be similar to nyquil? if i dont take a valium i will def take a nyquil. its amazing i still have valium LEFT. let alone a LOT of them!

i mean i would prefer just some MJ but thats impossible for me to get since i am antisocial hahahaha.

meanwhile that woman has been smoking tons of MJ the past year, being way more successful than me, and probably being slutty and giving herself away and having TONS OF FUN. while smokin tons of MJ and making TONS of MONEY. come on.

Protip: ANY THOUGHTS ABOUT “THAT WOMAN” ARE UNPRODUCTIVE. COMPLETELY. THERE IS NO POSSIBLE BENEFIT TO HAVING THESE THOUGHTS. THESE ARE THE TYPES OF THOUGHTS I NEED TO PUT INTO THE OVEN. EXTERMINATE THEM.

who CARES about that woman, it doesnt MATTER what and who she does.

WHO CARES, IT DOESNT MATTER.

yeah its just weird seeing the same or a very very similar job with a certain company get posted every 2 or 3 weeks. always an entry level job that sounds right up my alley and right up MANY peoples alley: day shift, hourly pay, not super skilled, less than 50% talking to customers, office assistant, 12-15 an hour. usually get at least 100-200 applicants per day. then they get 500 appplicants, pull the posting, then 3 weeks later, ITS BACK.

WTF IS GOING ON HERE.

yes I KNOW I JUST wrote about this, possibly in this same post, and definitely last post. because I SEE it happening regularly and it is frustrating! don’t reopen the position, throw out the net to get 500 more applicants, just call me in for an interview!

and this isnt the type of job which only 1 out of ever 10000 people can do, some special snowflake. im sure a monkey could do the job.

which makes me think its a FAKE job opening, IE there is no job, i mean maybe there IS a job, but not right NOW. They hire one person every 2 years for the job, but POST it every month and get 500 applications every time. and then select the best one out of 12000 for when they actually want to hire a person hahahaha. no they probably just put them all in the oven and just pick the best out of the most recent batch of 500.

nobody told me this is how Jobs are!

and this place has terrible ratings from employees.

it doesnt sound like they do mass hiring and mass firing…..cuz they havent hired me yet hahahaha.

maybe this is how they create a pool. but really how many people do they need in their pool? 12000?

NO, they just constantly prune the pool to the BEST 100. a better one comes in, then the worst one gets ovened.

do they really have the TIME to do this though?

but how much TIME does it take? an hour a week? they can probably manage THAT.

so thats what they are doing then. developing the strongest pool possible. shit in that case they just throw out my resume every time, because its not as good as the WORST res in the pool. in that case, a good 490 out of 500 of the applications every month get thrown out!

welp guess these losers better go back to online college and get a masters degree then!

for a 13 an hour data entry job.

yes but its full time, days, no weekends! it might even have a 401k with 1% matching, and an expensive ass high deductible health plan!

and you gotta go to CORNELL to get a full time days no weekends job hahahaha.

355 days since i wrote the final email to her. the final contact. 389 days since i last talked to her. 271 days since i last looked at jooish porno filth.

heh. took a valium, then did a 3.6 mile powerwalk, didnt really feel the valium, then came home and took half dose of nyquil, cuz supposedly benzos make everything stronger hehehehe. now i am getting a little tired.

 

NOBODY WANTS TO HIRE A WEIRDO

july 29

yeah its just incredibly frustrating when somebody is on their phone, talking and texting ALL THE TIME, they respond to EVERYBODY ELSE, but they wont respond to YOU. it is insulting and disrespectful as fook. Ya Spend All Day On The Phone Anyhow! to paraphrase the awful everest commercial. and you cant even send a text to End A Relationship hahahaha.

got call yesterday from health system i have sent 40 apps to (literally) and always get rejections from, first callback ever. called them back this morning and gave them email address to try to minimize Phone Tag. this is for a laboratory assistant in a hospital lab. purrfect. fulltime days no weekends, even better. sign me up for 13 dollars an hour. i will pass your nicotene test all day hahahahaha.  well…..maybe not hahahahahahaha.

that would be funny, to get a job offer but lose it because i failed a NICOTENE test because I smoke a COUPLE of Social Cigs per week. of course a lot more when i am working hahahaha. but you are not allowed to do that at this workplace. hospital. well i am sure there are people who hide out and chainsmoke on lunch, then spray down with febreze hahahaha.

sheeeit got interview for 10 dah part time temporary job, next thurs, the one i wanted to get resched, and they agreed to resched rather than saying get fooked…..but at a nice place. i like the place, they do job related training, REALLY i SHOULD do their job related training courses and then use that to get a 15 DAH Full Time Days Job hahahaha. working with Robots and 6000000 dollar machines. CNCs and CADs and FANUCs and lasers and injection molds and grinders and borers and dorners and whatever tf.

again that is probably soem sort of sign from GOD, answering my prayers. so maybe is “hospital lab.” working in a LAB with specimens.

“Protein Shake” with .75 scoop of Whey Protein, .5 cup of Whole Milk, and about 10 grams of Caramel Ice Cream hahahahaha

basically, if george feels can get a full time job, SO CAN I.

basically, if fatherland jim can get a FT job, and a basedwife, and a child, and own his home, SO CAN I.  I mean the guy is not only super autistic, but very neurotic and self-deprecating, by his own admission! women HATE self deprecating, neurotic men! I should know, I am one!

i like and respect both these guys of course. especially jim hahaha. but the more i “get to know” him, the more I am like WOW I cant believe he’s admitting this, and I can’t believe he wasn’t dumped by his wife after the first date hahahaha. this is the kind of guy women RUN AWAY SCREAMING from. I say that as a fellow member of that club.

so in fatherland 39 jim says, IF I CAN DO IT, ANYBODY CAN. and I could not agree more hahahaha.

the guy who bitched for like 4 straight weeks about my “trollnation” to the show. I didn’t mean the donation as a troll, but its just funny that he got SO rustled by it. yeah i can see how somebody might misinterpret it….and boy did he EVER.

COME ON. so the lady calls me back about the blood lab job and i can only interview TODAY because they have a deadline at the end of the day today. I said Monday or sometime next week would be fine. I was a little thrown off guard. I guess I should have just said yes, and then immediately took a shower, shave, get the suit on, get out there, sheeeeeeeeeit.  im wondering why she even called me. on the last day of interviews. wtf. well she said she had a death in the fam so i gave muh sympathies, but then i choked and said yeah no, i just can’t do it today, but if you would keep me in mind for other positions that would be great. the 40 other positions i had applied to hahaha.

lesson learned from being caught off guard: if they ask you for an interview TODAY, just DO IT.

it just seems so weird and unprofessional though.

i mean i wont regret this TOO much, in fact i could probably call her back right now….but sheeeeit.

women just dont understand how anxiety, shyness, despair, low confidence can keep a MAN from EVER having a GF or secs, because it doesn’t work the same way for WOMEN. WOMEN can TOTALLY have anxiety, shyness, despair, low cofidence, and it doesnt prevent them from having secs or rels AT ALL. That’s why they think its so weird when a man has never had a secs and rels. because its DAMN NEAR IMPOSSIBLE for a woman to never have secs or rels, and they are so damn narcissistic they think everybody is like them, and that men and women are the exact same, when in fact they are VERY different.

or they dont “buy the excuse” because “well I have despair and anxiety and I can still have secs and rels!” not understanding how anxiety and low cofidence DIRECTLY WEAKEN EVERYTHING which women find attractive about men. they do not directly weaken what men find attractive about women.

its much easier to not be bitchy, not be a slut, not be fat, than it is to Be Confident, Be Charming, Be a Leader.

Again I dont begrudge this ease, of women being the supply and men being the demand, i guess I just get rustled when women dont UNDERSTAND or APPRECIATE that fact of nature.

but, you could argue, they’re not supposed to. so again my expectations are too high. they’re not SUPPOSED to understand it.

The most effective Life Creator is one who does not know they are a life creator??!!?!?!?!

well yes kind of. cuz they will keep getting pregnant, exactly because they forget they can get pregnant?

interview SAME DAY. really. it sounded like they did most of the interviews yesterday. probably just whirlwind of 8 or so candidates in one day.

and what if someone just couldn’t make it that day? then into the trash they go.

BUT WHAT IF THEY WERE THE BEST CANDIDATE?

oh well then the company doesnt get the best candidate then. life goes on.

so yeah timing matters.

but youd think if they were SERIOUS about finding the best candidate, they would allow more than ONE DAY to interview all the candidates for this job. give them a span of like a week.

NOT come in on this day and time for an interview, and if you can’t, fook you, we can’t reschedule. we are interviewing for this job on one day only, in this 4 hour window.

so yeah, i can’t tell wimmin i have neversecs neverel because i have anxiety, despair, neurotic, and low confidence, they’ll say I DONT BELIEVE IT, I HAVE THOSE SAME THINGS AND I CAN GET SECS AND REL, THERE MUST BE SOMETHING REALLY WRONG WITH YOU, not realizing that these things have VERY different outcomes for men vs women.

solution: just don’t talk about it , or Bullshit/Lie/Deflect until you have banged the gurl, it’s not like it would take more than 3 dates anyway.  and if she complains about you being awkward, then say you’re under a lot of stress from your job and family. and next time take some benzos and hope you perform better, cuz if you don’t, YOUR FIRED. (dumped.) dumped for being awkward at secs. i could see it happening to me! and im sure its happened to other men!

like uhhhh i can just tell by the awkward way this guy FOOKS that hes only ever fooked 1 gurl about 15 years ago, or he’s a VIRGIN, and he’s DEFINITELY not ever had a GF, or Regular Secs. EW. WEIRD. CREEPER.

well what if you had had a longterm gf where you had secs 2 times a week for 2 years hahahahahaha then she dumped you, and you were heartbroken for 2 years, and then the next time you had secs, it was awkward and weird and the bitch thought THAT, that you had never had a GF or secs on the reg? well they would be WRONG.

but not about me hahahahahaha.  bitches and whores.

that feel when you think, hmm if all else fails, i will get a part time job at mathnasium, math tutor, that would be bretty kewl, then you look up the local mathnasium and see that all their employees are young college students at good colleges, majoring in math or engin, or they went to the local STEM high school that you didnt even know about until last year hahahahaha. so they are both 12 years YOUNGER than you, and have had way more MATH than you, you who is so proud of your A in Calculus 2, and that’s as far as you went in math. well good luck making 10 DAH as a part time math tutor because you don’t have the right stuff!

i will soon be the proud owner of a The Right Stuff tshirt however hahahahahahahaha. and that does count for something hahahaha. well unless the shirt sale gets SHUT DOWN before the shirts get mailed, which there is a 50% chance.

if i ever have to dump a person, i am gonna be the best dumper on the face of the earth.

is it JUST ME who doesnt know how to DEAL with conflict in relationships? well its safe to say SHE couldnt deal wiht it EITHER.

maybe most people can’t, so most Breakups are Bad, and we should all use SHRINKS when we want breakups to be Good.

I would be more than happy to do that. I will involve a shrink EVERY TIME if thats what it takes.

id be like hay, you arent dumping me so well, and i dont know what to tell you, lets go to the shrink and they can help you dump me better.

i mean its really not brain surgery, BUT also when you are THAT Flustered, your brain just doesnt work. you can barely do basic things, remember your name, do your job.

shit and when your job is DEMANDING as FOOK, like taking a TEST EVERY DAY, obviously youre going to be FAILING that test every day!

thats what it was like hahaha. you know how you would go out with friends and stay up late if you “ONLY” had to go to skool or go to work tomorrow, but if you had a BIG TEST tomorrow, you would get nervous, and make sure to go to bed early, etc? thats what it was like EVERY DAY of work. the WHOLE JOB was like one big EXAM that you were NEVER fully prepared for. the only time you had to STUDY was when you were at home, free time.

basically all of your schooling should be taking calls in a call center for 12 years hahahahaha. that should be all of school. K-12.  then you will be ready for anything.

or why not just MAKE everybody join the military to toughen them up.

because MOST people RECOGNIZE that everybody is NOT CUT OUT FOR the military. like private pyle. like me and prob you.

bbbbbut in SOME countries they make you! the phaggot sissies in SWEDEN need to do a year of service, don’t they? if sissy SWEDISH men can do military, so can the neetest american omega!!!!!!!

or those slimy sleazy schlomos in ISRAHELL also have mandatory military service. if those shady k1k3s can do military service, so can the sissiest, phaggiest NEET!

or maybe its really easy to get out of service. like just get a doctors note saying you have bad eyesight or are too short hahahahaha.

2 more rejection letters from the health system i have applied to 40 times hahahaha. and they want me to do a DAY OF interview or NOT AT ALL. come on. and they also test for cigarettes smoking. WHY am I trying to get in here again? because they have a good number of FT jobs with low qualifications. that dont involve a call center or sales. that I still get rejected for.

you can get through school being a total awkward autist. but this does not work at ALL in the world of work and wimminz. NOBODY TOLD ME hahahahaha.

managers, like women, will reject you unless you are a total confident, charismatic chad. slip up once and youre DONE.

also school should prepare you for the level of REJECTION you get in the real world. you will be rejected 99 times out of a 100. better get used to it.

but other special snowflakes who went to the same schools as i did, did VERY VERY well for themselves! so it must be ME, not the SCHOOLS! well yeah it IS me to some extent.

so if the economy doesnt grow 4% every year, that’s a bad thing?

if it only grows 1%, thats BAD?

well yes. because……the population grows? so we should be edgy antinatalist zero population growth fooktards?

i only listen to vinyl ripz hahahaha

i remember i got this album in like 1998 and i was a little disappointed. cuz back then i just wanted chugga chugga chugga heavy heavy heavy. i thought the guitars werent HEAVY enough. the vocals werent HEAVY enough. I thought morbid angel was supposed to be the HEAVIEST death metal band ever.  (there was plenty of “brutal death metal” if thats what I was looking for. well, every album was a big investment in 1998 hahaha. so deicide “once upon the cross” was more what I was looking for.)

but nowadays i can totally appreciate the very “organic”, human, natural production on this album. and noting it was produced by the same guy that did metallica “ride the lightning” and “master of puppets.”

in 1999 I heard their next album “domination” and liked that more. i guess youre supposed to hate that album becuase thats when they sold out. but I liked the guitars and vocals better. and thought the songs were catchier.

so i can never crap on “domination”, but I am glad “covenant” has great growing and staying power.

yep going on 3 days with no shower and this is when you def start to smell hahahahahaha. sweaty crotch and pits BO hahahahahahahaha. if you get near a wimmin at this point, she WILL dump you hahahaha.

so why do we NEED 4% growth a year? why not 1%? why not .5%? why not .1%? why cant things just stay the same? they cant GROW forever! I just dont beleive that GROWTH is always GOOD.

i mean im not too worried about a woman interrogating me about muh rel history. i mean, That Woman and I became very close friends, and she had NO IDEA of my rels or lack of them. NO IDEA. I was ready to tell her the full story, but she was ultimately not interested in hearing it hahahaha.

so basically just lie, because they literally CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH.

yeah it IS hard to LIE, because your white moral fibers tell you that lying is wrong, youre not a liar. that is very well and good. but the truth is, sometimes its ok for whites to lie, such as when they are “faking it to make it” with white women. anything in service of the 14 words, its ok for whites to lie. or if it doesnt HURT anybody.

but yeah i understand how it FEELS a little jooey or ingrish. thats FINE. it SHOULD.

also its ok to LIE to get yourself a JOB.

they dont have TIME to do MORE background checking on you AFTER you GET the job. they will either do it BEFORE they offer your the job, or not at all. therefore…..lie to get a job, and if you get the job, you wont be found out later. unless it is a super powerful job or public election or something. NOT a damn entry level 28k job. the better thing to worry about is being fired for no reason, or at will, or “restructuring”, or “business needs”, or because your company is not having 4% growth every year. not because you lied about you supervising people, or you being a great negotiator, or you being good under pressure, or you being a nonweird nonvirgin nonnevergf normie.

so yeah i just want women to APPRECIATE secs and rels more. check their secs and rel PRIVILEGE. but I’m not saying that privilege shouldnt exist.

hey i dont even want them to UNDERSTAND it. I just want them to BE NICER. you know how you can luv and support someone even if you don’t UNDERSTAND them. just do that! give me your luv and support! Give me a CHANCE even though some things about me seem WEIRD at first! you have to give me a CHANCE! and not just BAIL at the first time things are a little different. im honestly not THAT weird! women have just never given me a CHANCE hahaha. men have given me a chance! and they were glad they did!

the employers who gave me a chance were pretty much glad they did hahaha.

but the wimmin never wanted to give me a chance hahaha.

well the female friends that gave me a chance found some value in me.

well thats not to say That Woman never found any Human Value in me.

She just ran away when things got complicated. thats ALL. stop reading all this malicious intent, or thinking she never cared about me. she probably DID! she just bailed when it got HARD. i have done the SAME THING in different situaitons. cant deal with hard shit. shit i cant deal with the struggles right now and avoid avoid avoid hahaha. like i never AVOIDED anything. everybody avoids sometimes.

that is the more rational, less emotional, more truthful way of looking at this. but shit its STILL hard to do that. a year later and its still hard to Correct the cognitive distortion.

so, muh sense of judgment is WRONG, my logic is WRONG. this is why I like MATH, because math FORCES you to use the RIGHT logic. if you’re not using logic, you’ll get it wrong, so if you get it right, you know your logic is right.

i guess your logic can be terribly wrong about some things, but still be right on other things (like hopefully, your job and job-related things.) so you can be a mess Emotionally and Personally, but still do a Good Job.  because the day you’re not able to do a good job…….YOURE FIRED.

did 5 mile pwalk

while doing it and listening to morbid angel hahaha i had a very illustrative thought, i thought, what if she contacts me like 2 or 3 years after it all went down and is like hey how are u lets get caught up again, you should come to this party im having, and then i go, and she is all super mature and cool and has all these new winner friends, and she looks a little older but still good, and she is now moved way up in her career, and is powerful and respected and makes good professional money, like 40k a year, and can afford a nice place in the hip winner neighborhood, and has all these friends that make 40k a year, and she doesn’t spend a lot of time with me, but just goes around mingling, and some of the guys she gets closer to than others, maybe shes fookin em, i tell her welp it was kinda a hard year, im still lookin for a jerb, its tough out there and i havent had much luck, and she said oh well good luck, maybe you can get a job starting out in call center, if you tough it out for a few years you can become a manager like i did….and then i get pissy and am like, im mad at how things ended, you were a big reason why i quit, and then she gets mad and is like oh no, dont blame ME for that, thats all on YOU and not being able to handle me not liking you, when it was clear i didnt, i mean what did you expect? dont blame ME for that! youre the one with problems, you cant handle life, thats why you quit, thats why youre still a failure 2 years later, you gotta get your stuff together man, stop living in the past, move on, get over it! and then she moves on to some other people to mingle with, and i drink my soda and get mad and sad, yeah shes right, i didnt HAVE to quit, its not HER fault, but damn shes WAY more successful than me, i can’t get over it, she makes way more money than i ever will, she’s still 8 years younger than me, and she doesnt CARE that i’m not doing well now, she doesn’t want to HELP me, other than tell me get a job in a call center and tough it out for a few years. well thats what i WAS doing until i snapped!!!! but thats my fault! but shit how can you just invite me to this party after 2 years like nothing ever happened, like we didnt end things in a terrible way?

and so that was this vivid and incredibly unproductive use of muh brain. like a series of congitive distortions turned into a ruminating STORY or daydream only designed to make me feeel bad in every way!

your brain simply SHOULDNT work like that!

so yeah this was a rumination i guess, and then it turned into a story. a ridiculous daydream. all while im trying to relax on my powerwalk!

so, dont do that. just turn off that stream of thoughts.

so yeah i would still want to be with her in that case.

shit. not with any other woman have i never wanted to meet them so much. with the other women i can be like, yeah that sucked, but i got over them, and i don’t really care about having met them or not. it was an interesting story. no need to have never met them.

but with HER, i wish i had really never met her. we had SOME really really good stuff…..but the pain and misery and suffering and failure vastly outweighs it! if i had never met her, I would have still been working at my old job, i never would have left for the new job (that WAS directly inspired by her, we could BOTH agree), and therefore i never would have LEFT that job and I wouldnt be in the pathetic, hopeless situation I am now. I would have not had a yearlong gap on muh res,  I would have had a much better shot at getting any of these jobs im interviewing for now because i would be currently employed. and then i could have gotten the job at the nursing home, or the university, or the city. no gap, no stupid call center job, no heartbreak, no thoughts of her. no thoughts of HER! do you know how MUCH I’ve THOUGHT of HER in the past 2 years? many minutes, every single day!!!!!!!!

they say to meet women, have a full life and do fun meetups for your hobbies. well what if your hobbies are all male, like 1488 huhwhyte nationalism?

plus it’s clear that women entering that would just cause drama.

and then I thought, well, wouldn’t women cause drama in ANY Social Group?

Let’s say your fookin i dunno anime group is 90 10 men women. you think all the THirsty Omegas are not gonna be in competition for those women?

and this certainly happens in nerdy groups like that! animes, comic cons, dr who, etc.

ok so lets say the group is 60 40 men women. there will still be some competition and conflict. men getting assmad when some slut dumps him to bang the more alpha men in the group.

well, not all the people in the group will be SINGLE!

i guess we need to put in the caveat that some social groups would be better than others. for example, NO anime, NO nerdy groups, NO racial groups.

cuz i was thinking, the only social group i’d like to join is a damn racial group. but we’ve already concluded that racial groups are NOT good places for women. women can support in the background and their monog husbands be in the group, but if there are Thirsty Beetas in the group desperate for waifus, then they will fight for the attention of any single woman in the group! who will then fawn over all the attention and play the men off of each other!

so you find a group where you’re the ONLY thirsty beeta? hahahahaha.

there’s thirsty beetas in EVERY/ANY group!

and them competing for the women is gonna cause tension in the group! there will be fighting, stalking, jealousy, and the loser will essentially have to leave the group. THEY CANT EVEN ENJOY THEIR DAMN GROUP ANY MORE cuz That Woman is in the group giving it up to the OTHER men.

so yeah I don’t buy this meeting women in social groups thing. its the same thing like meeting a woman at WORK or in your circle of friends. and then she turns out to be the Work Slut or the Circle of Friends Slut. She Fooks EVERYBODY and is kinda shady and sleazy. don’t get caught up in her drama.

so i wonder if women can handle being in groups at all.

leaning towards no. single women at least. married women could handle it. but their husband should be in the group with them.  and she should not leave him for other guys in the group.

im just learning NOW that WOMEN = DRAMA?

NO, I knew that 20 years ago. I guess I have just been wanting to get along with a woman without all that drama. and i DID. and then it became very, very, very dramatic.

and really I caused the drama here, not her. DAMN.

FOOOOOOOK.

SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIT.

yeah well she COULD have been nicer hahahaha. i could have been more Alpha, and she could have been a LOT nicer. other women have been nicer!

but yeah i hope she doesnt contact me unless she gives me a big apology and also says she wants to get together with me. even though she is very successful and i am a big failure. and she never NAGS me about my job when i finally get a job because it for damn sure wont be as much as SHES making.

sheeeeit. i CAN tell you that its not natural for men and women to compete like this in the Economic Marketplace. and its a REAL WEIRD dynamic when you get rejected by a woman, then you end up comparing yourself with her CAreer-wise and trying to Beat her in career, cuz she beat YOU in the game of Luv, so now you want to Beat hear in the game of career. but you DONT, she beats you even WORSE in the game of career and ends up becoming WAY more successful than you. she’s younger than you and she is a manager / leader / senior / director / supervisor / VP / level 3, and you are older and still a damn entry level level 1.

adds insult to injury and makes you feel like more of a loser.

of course, THEYRE not doing that, YOU’re doing that to yourself. you dont HAVE to compare yourself to their career at all.

i mean, if they ARE forcing it down your throat, thats a different story. but if you havent talked to them in 2 or 3 years, and you are just stalking them on linkedin and looking at their career from afar…..that sucks. DONT DO THAT!!!!!!!!

thats the type of stuff I do. Shit I dont even DO it any more. I don’t look at ANY of these women on linkedin or facebook. but I STILL think about it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

like i imagine HER being a successful Manager!

even though i haven’t been on facebook in a year, and i haven’t looked at her on linkedin in like 8 months, and back then she didnt have any updates. now i know she got a new job, prob a tough job i couldnt handle, and i am making all these assumptions that she is a manager, she is moving UP.

i guess i am a masochistic glutton for self punishment. if it hurts, I DO it! thinking about her moving UP in career? getting jealous? yep! so just keep thinking about the painful shit! you are a master at adding your OWN insult to injury!!!!!!!! more cognitive distortions! or really, emotional piling on! you are serving up Self Serve Pain to your SELF!!!!! DONT DO THAT!!!!!!!!!

july 30

essentially Cutting Yourself mentally/emotionally. how gay is that. you dont want to be A Cutter!!!!

I was WILLLLING to handle the situation in a mature way! I just needed her cooperation! HER willingness! and thats ON HER!

so yeah i have my issues but its not truthful to say that my issues ruin every rel i ever have!

GIVE ME A CHANCE! be WILLING to communicate with me!

maybe i should go on okcupid and look for women who are looking for “just friends” hahahaha because i am certainly not Emotionally Available, and women that advertise they are looking for just casual secs, while I might want that, are not the type of women i want to meet, and generally good people to stay away from.

also as a general rule, when someones heart is breaking, dont blame them for getting feelings, just accept this is how hearts work, be appreciative that somebody opened their heart to you, and take pains to treat their heart gently….even if you didnt ask for this.

hey its not like i dont know how 2 relationship….ive just never been given the CHANCE! never given a FAIR SHAKE!

never had anyone who was WILLING!

yes this issue of WILLING is a big deal. you can lead the horse to water but you cant make them WILLING to drink.

the WILL comes from WITHIN.

heh applied for 2 jobs on a saturday.

tweaked cover letter a TINY bit to more effective Cup The Balls of the Company’s Mission Statement.

i guess basically go on okcupid and look for attractive women who seem CHILL and who seem liek they smoke MJ and are under 30. who cares if they have kids or tattoos, i am just using them for casual secs hahaha. and i will TELL them that. most women are ok with being used for casual secs, woman use MEN for casual secs just as much.

yes it is degenerate! but i cant get pregnant ever, and maybe banging some sluts will help me forget about HER, and it will also increase my confidence and experience with women, which will make me better at pulling QUALITY women that actually CAN replace her and make me forget about her!!!

jeez. can you IMAGINE how many HOURS and DAYS i WASTED THINKING about HER the past YEAR, even though she was OUT OF MY LIFE, she continue to take up SO much of my thoughts? still does! how can you THINK about someone so much when you havent seen or talked to them in a YEAR? its RIDICULOUS!

yet you THINK about them an HOUR a day at LEAST? 365 hours! thats like 9 full Work Weeks! that is THOUSANDS of dollars!

if you had to put a PRICE on the PAIN of a broken heart, it would DEFINITELY be in the TENS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS. 10 to 99 thousand dolars.

162 dollars for round trip flight to denver hahaha. can get motel for 70 dollars a night hahaha a little pricey. i ideally wanted a motel with a sauna so i could smoke tons of MJ, then sit in the sauna. well, actually i would probably walk around the forests and mountains. smoke MJ all day. then go to sauna at night. smoke tons of MJ every waking moment. probably take a few puffs in the middle of the night too. like when you wake up for a few minutes at 4:20 am, take a puff, go back to sleep hahahahahahahahahahaha.

that woman. i cant believe she has a medical MJ card and can buy MJ whenever she wants. she doesnt even have a qualifying condition and doesnt even CARE! MOST people get it for chronic pain, and jsut smoke MJ where they might have become pill poppers like white trash. but she doesnt have chronic pain!

maybe she does, she just never told me. hahaha.

SEE? a YEAR later, and still THINKING about her!!!DAMN!!!!!

also a year later, and still thinking about that JOB. HOW did I do that stuff? why didnt I snap earlier? I could never do that again!

when have I felt the most confident? When I accomplished or did well on something that MATTERED to me. like get a new job (although actually working the job would be very nerve wracking at the beginning, nullifying any gains in confidence) or especially when the things were going well with some woman. for like the 2 days in my life where things were going well with a woman hahahaha. no really its more like 14 days, thats not bad. 14 days of confidence in 30+ years hahahahahaha. no i bet i have had 30 days of confidence in 30 years, between the few women, and the few accomplishments!

but yeah making out with a gurl and shes not PUSHING you, that is a good confidence builder. when its a gurl you WANT to be making out with, instead of like, damn this gurl ugly but I am desperate, wow how shameful, imma get buttmad now. but rather WOW this gurl is awesome and THIS is awesome and I am awesome etc…… now that doesnt happen very often hahahahahahaha

you get neurotic and obsessive. you dont think about ANYTHING ELSE with the obsession and interest and tenacity you think about WOMEN with.

looked up data entry on ziprecruiter and found some jobs i have not seen on indeed. oh great. so i set up an email alert for data entry on ziprecruiter hehehe

why do women have such a disregard and disrespect for human life? you’d think they’d hae some kind of inherent bond, with babies and shit, because babies grow inside them. but no. they have NO problem killing their babies, less problem than MEN do as a matter of fact. they have LESS respect for life than MEN do. ABSOLUTELY REPREHENSIBLE.

such WEIRD feelings. what do you DO when you feel “incompetent.” thats a weird thing to feel, but I feel it.

so fix it by doing something competently!

no its not just that, it’s doing 51% or more of all things competently!

i dont WRITE very competently, this writing is a total mess. I dont job search or interview competently. i am not competent with wimmin. or employers. or personal hygiene. i AM competent with walking however. i am sort of competent with sticking to my calorie goal. i am competent with driving. thats a pretty big deal. i can drive places and not get in accidents ever. that should get me SOMETHING hahahaha.

i mean i wouldnt want to drive for a JOB. I would be totally incompetent driving a TRUCK.

NOBODY EVER TOLD ME that the majority of your working life would be spent feverishly trying to convince angry people that you weren’t an idiot, you weren’t incompetent. Well, you were KINDA incompetent, but you weren’t an IDIOT, you just weren’t QUICK witted. You aren’t QUICK WITTED, but you are smart, you swear! You got an A in Calculus 2 and got a 4.0 in high school and a 3.9 in Community College and a 3.7 in University! you were in the top 10% in high school! you peaked in high school! you should have seen me when I was 17! you wouldnt thought I was an idiot THEN! good thing that was literally half a lifetime ago.

 

WOMEN ARE THE SUPPLY OF SEX, MEN ARE THE DEMAND

july 27

4 or 5 jobs on muh “work” days hahahaha.  got muh 5.

hey fine i get it, women are sexual. the only thing i resent is them being so PUBLIC and OPEN with HOW SLUTTY they are, specifically, how EASY they give it up to secsy chads, guys theyre interested in.

I dont care if you WANT him, MAKE HIM WAIT.

YOU CAN GET PREGGERS FROM THIS. MAKE HIM WAIT. 3 MONTHS AT LEAST. CANT YOU WAIT 3 MONTHS? even 3 months is pretty slutty imho. 6 months is a lot better.

what would you want your tradwife, the mother of your children, to have for her average wait time till secs with Chad? 3 months or 6 months? 3 dates? 1 date? 1 month? 1 year?

and its just disgusting seeing purty young gurls advertising such a Short Wait Time!

but I dont KNOW that! maybe they made those guys wait a YEAR! and NOW they are just showing normal interest in them. public displays of  interest.

this is very likely. i overregister any signs of interest by a woman in chad as “THAT DIRTY EASY SLUT.” i am VERY prone to this COGNITIVE DISTORTION and it makes me feel despair and anger and hatred towards women, and its all based on a false distorted foundation.

its easier for women to replace men because women have a lot of options, and get a lot of interest from secsy chads.

if i had qt young staceys showing interest in ME, i would forget about That Woman SO FAST. but it is VERY hard for me to win/earn that kind of interest from attractive women.

yes i AM a lookist. like i say, i never got feels for a woman who wasnt a 7!

when REALLY, considering my OWN value, i SHOULD be aiming for 5s and 6s! ive said this before! if i keep aiming for 7s, i’m gonna keep getting disappointed!

but Im not ATTRACTED to 5s or 6s!

i have run up against the chapin conundrum hahaha. where i cant force myself to be attracted to the less-than-7s who might show interest in me. not that any have yet!

speaking of 5s and 6s, i applied for 5 and then 6 jobs today hahahahahaha jobsearching neet virgin humor

so in other words, i think every cute young girl is a slut, shit i think every woman is a slut….even when theyre really not. so thats a cog distortion.

whats NOT a cog distortion is that being a slut is BAD. many women will say “THERES NOTHING WRONG with being a slut.” they are bad sluts doing bad things. being a slut is BAD, no cog distortion there. whatsoever. dont get it twisted.

red pill but not black pill hahaha. yes it is hard to put the brakes on once you take the red pill. but just becaue the red pill is true does mean the black pill is true!!!!!!!!!!!

not all women are like that hahahahaha

i mean, not all women are dirty whores making secs vidyas

but all women ARE hypergamous mercenaries just playing the game the way they were designed to play it.  but they certainly dont HAVE to go to degenerate whorish extremes. doesnt mean they have NO sense of right and wrong. they CAN have some sense of morality (though not as strong as a mans) and they CAN abide by some standards of human decency. they dont HAVE to be ANIMALS just because a LOT of them are in the current year.

and now im just bitching about hypothetical, imaginary, fictional acts. fictional women doing fictional sluttiness. as far as the actual transgression against me, that wasn’t slutty at all. it was just cowardly and passive and not even very Evil in Intent. its just cowardly avoiding, which we’ve all done.

and yeah part of muh rage against these fictional sluts is an expression of muh anger against that woman. even though im angry at them for different things. and then im bringing it back around and saying, well if that woman did this, then she could also be a huge slut like all these other sluts, she hasn’t yet, but she probably will.

IT DOESNT MATTER, IT DOESNT MATTER, IT DOESNT MATTER.

because i will never be with her. she can never hurt me again. her sluttiness and her cowardice and her lack of interest will never hurt me again!

well they will hurt other omega men!

but i have absolutely no way to help them. if i TRIED to, it would be creepy af because it would basically involve stalking her, which I’m not gonna do. not gonna do it folks. not gonna do it.

maybe if there were a way to do it without stalking her? but there’s NOT.

besides, she will probably not do this to other men. she will probably be a nice, interested, loving GF like she was to the other guys.  she just did what she did to me not because she has some evil core she’s kept hidden, but because she was confused and overwhelmed and didnt want to deal with the situation.

july 28

not much interesting to say. try to apply to 5 jobs today. want to go to store. do 4.2 miler. HECK how about a 5 miler? yes ok that sounds good. might do some 5 pm nyquil hahahaha. try not to write about YOU KNOW WHO. probably write a little about how all women are Pig Disgusting Whores hahahaha. who fook tons of ingras on the first “date.” off tinder. in cars. and vidya it on their phones. while playing pokemon and instagramming and faceboking and snapchatting and texting lol lol lol idk ikr lol

the reason i am again female sluttiness is because it HURTS PEOPLE. IT HURTS. DO NO HARM.

dont use PEOPLE as PLAYTHINGS. USE ONCE THEN THROW AWAY. NO.

i guess women use weak men as disposable playthings, becuase strong men have used the women as disposable playthings.

i prefer to work at a slow, steady speed

this is a BAD thing in those stupid job personality tests. say NO to this. but dont COMPLETELY DISAGREE because that will flag the “you are a liar distorter” flag for the employer to see. simply just disagree moderately.

slow and steady does NOT win the race. FAST wins the race. FAST and steady. not fast and flustered.

fast and steady wins you a 28k job. maybe even a 8 to 5 if you are lucky! no PRN, no rotating, no casual, no split shifts. they never taught us about these things in college. needless to say, me and my tradwife will teach them in Huhwhyte Homeschool hahahahaha.

whoops mispelled the company in the cover letter. instant rejetion hhhahaah. i am a good speller, just a bad typer. i need a spellcheck that is basically autocorrect.

sheeeeit a 37 minute application. that counts as LONG given muh average of 11.9 minutes.

ok 5 apps good enuff 4 me hahahaha.

hey i didnt ASK for this!

NOBODY ASKED ME!

was very close to getting this stainless steel safety razor. they say its better for irritation. and shaving muh neckbeard can cause some irritation.

job for Robotics Simulator? for some reason i am drawn to Robot jobs and Advanced Manufacturing jobs. this is PROBABLY a sign from GOD that I should TAKE ACTION ON.

i like muh spreadsheet because i can put in links

link to emails, link to evernotes, link to archive.is, link to pastebin, link to just about anything relevant to the jobs in the spreadsheet

want something permanent and ideally your own account so somebody else cant delete the link

just got call from this “advanced manufacturing training” center that i had interview with over a month ago, didn’t get it, now they want to int me for another, i couldnt get to the time they wanted because i have muh other int that day.

also did i mention i got not one but TWO research studies next week which EACH pay 200 shekels. HORRY SHEET. that is the most ever. so yes that is AWESOME. that is BETTER than an interview. 400 dollars for less than 4 hours of stress-free “work” where people are nice to me and asking for Muh Consumer Opinions.

but yeah get muh 12th interview. so the jahb is temporary. ask them if theres any chance of it getting extended, or renewed. also if not, would i make enough money to qualify for Unemployment. Probably NOT hahahahaha. you have to have made a certain floor amount over the past 5 quarters…..and i don’t think you can possibly do that unles you are working full time for at least 13 dollars an hour.

shit. you get all a’s in skool, you do well on tests, being measured, those measurements tell you you are way above average and should do VERY well in life, but then you get interviews, which are like pass fail classes, you either pass or you fail, no in between, and literally 95% of the time, you are going to FAIL. this IS hard to get used to. to do from doing very well, to being an Abject Failure the VAST majority of the time. it IS hard to get used to. when everyone else has succeeded, and in order to get what you most want, ie women, you HAVE to succeed at the test of Working Life, definitely the hardest test of them all. And also most WOMEN beat you at this pass fail test where you fail 95% of the time.

well at least now i LOOK GOOD when i fail hahahaha.

apply to 40 jobs at one Health System over 40 months, i think i might have finally got an interview. maybe.

see im just not USED to 99% chance of failure, 1% chance of success. WELL, ive gotten used to it for sending applications. but sometimes i still get my hopes up about interviews. well, in a couple interviews, for jobs that didnt seem like you would be slammed with weird shit all day and have to be in the hot seat fixing and explaining things to angry people who you can’t tell if theyre being unreasonable or not.

 

 

I CAN LIVE WITH 50% A LOT BETTER THAN 99.9%

july 11

applied for the “facilities” job at the dream employer. the posting was only open for 5 days. From a FRIDAY to a TUESDAY. really suspect there. its like they DONT WANT a lot of people to apply for it ahahahahah.

well they probably dont!

but then youre just rolling the dice and getting really RANDOM people! and not necessarily the BEST people.

but that’s good for ME! I want weak competition because I myself am weak!

but yeah it would be a GREAT job to get. close, days, any overtime is paid time and a half, and icing on the cake is i already know one of the possible coworkers and get along with him really well. he might not still be there tho.

took 28 minutes to apply, but that did not bring up the average too much!!!!

meaning, the average is starting to be established as a lower number, closer to 14 than to 28. more good news.

i like to joke that i am saving myself for a woman who is a actual decent woman and not a dirty slut, so thats why i have been celibate for years hahahahaha. because a good woman is THAT hard to find. 99.9% of them are dirty skanks.

or maybe only 51%! a small majority rather than a vast majority hahahaha.

heck lets just GIVE THEM THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT and say 50%, because we dont know for sure.

I can live with 50% a lot better than 99.9%. and that is a lesson you can apply elsewhere in life, to overcome Pessmistic Realism Black Pill Despair.

 

this is eggman doing a video of him filling out a job app after he was fired from a data entry job, which i dont know if it was the same job where he was working 80 hours a week a few months ago. eggman is also a pathetic virgin or near-virgin making feels videos, but i think george feels is more my style.

holy shit some GREAT woman hating comments here. that are frighteningly credible. you find yourself nodding your head at the women haters, BECAUSE THEYRE RIGHT.

this is BLACK PILL REALITY. and we HAVE to ignore it. until we have a woman in our face trying to ho us out. then say “fook your bullshit baby, now suck muh dick or get out”

a woman can cuckold a man but a man can never cuckold a woman. FACT. just think about that for a while. let it really sink it. it really explains a lot, very elegantly.

anyway i used to read a lot MORE stuff like this. and it IS legit. it IS true. women ARE horrible. but sometimes its healthier for you to just stick your head in the sand and pretend women arent all that bad.

just dont worry about this black pill shit until you actually have a woman in your face testing you.

can you listen to music while doing your job applications? i say sure yeah, if it doesnt slow you down significantly. like more than 1 minute added to your average.

its just amazing women can graduate college and graduate school yet still be like CHILDREN when it comes to relationships and real life, yet they still get jobs making 40k a year. i mean you have to have COMMON SENSE and NOT be crazy, two things women are absolutely NOT.

that weird feel when you stalk the Department Head to find their name, and you find that its a weird spelling of a very common name that makes you wonder if whatever level 1 Admin Assistant input their name into the System spelled it wrong……or if that’s actually how it’s spelled. Because you want to spell Jahnathan or Crisstafer right on the CL.

should probably try to….something something. oh yeah. buy a ticket to see willie nelson live because he is not gonna be around much longer, he is at least 75 years old. he WAS doing a tour with merle haggard like last year…..and then merle haggard died.

i also am kinda kicking myself sorta because i missed the concert with “dead and company” which was basically some grateful dead guys with john mayer. john mayer really isnt as bad as one thinks he is. he is a very good guitar player and once you get used to his ridiculous voice, he is fairly enjoyable. anyway i have always been a DEAD fan but I have NEVER seen any dead related shows. dead and company had bill weir, bill kreutzmann, and mickey hart. weir and kreutzmann look old as shit, like they are at death’s door. i guess phil lesh does not want to tour any more. which is understandable. these guys are like 70 years old!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it’s amazing they are still alive!!!! and i missed a great chance to see a good number of them.

also go through your list of job posting bookmarks and move all the B+ or higher rated ones to the bottom. or top, whatever is the “newest” or “most important.” so you can obviously not forget to apply for them.

welp 6 apps today with 12.5 minutes total for TODAYS average. which is now actually my total average as well. 12.5 minutes. horry sheet. and that is with a 28 minute app in there today.  15, 4, 7, 7, 14,  28. not bad uh.

maybe i should try to get invited to social gatherings and then take a mixture of valium and benedryl when i get there hehehehe.

welp i need to get up ridic early tomorrow to do favor for old friend. this is kinda good because i havent seen or talked to him in months and it gives me a chance to do a good deed. however i have my suspicions that his life is not going so good. maybe even trouble with his Marriage. that he might be 85% at fault for, hehehe.  also i dont want to get sucked in hehehe. but he has been very good about not taking advantage of me hehehehe so i sorta trust him not to do that.

plus i was thinking of going shopping for muh suit on wednesday and maybe if i am up SUPER EARLY tomorrow i can just do it tomorrow instead.

heheh i am becoming fond of poor georgie. he is a lot more funny and more likeable than I thought he would be, not as autistic and obnoxious and spergy. in other words, i think he has an actual chance. and in a less degenerate era, he would have been married. he’s not THAT weird that he is beyond all hope. i feel I am similar. I mean, i’ve COME CLOSE. i’ve just never closed the deal haha. george has a sense of humor and can make and understand jokes, which is a big deal. some of the autist virgins on the despair forums dont even get jokes, hahaha.

but yeah its frustrating that when a nice qt gurl is USED by Eminem-like Douchebags for Secs, but they would never even consider dating you! and they blow you off and get SO OFFENDED when you get feelings for them. and then you’re the bad NiceGuy.

who’s holding a GUN to these girls heads saying they MUST have secs with these eminem loser guys?

you can’t be USED for something without your permission!

july 12

horry sheet, invited to interview with the county, ie muh plum choice employer, after submitting 1488 applications and only getting rejections for 13 DAH jobs!

30k, not bad uh? start time of shift is at 3pm though, not ideal but oh well. for this employer, i will take it!

this ridiculous friend of mine, getting up early to do him a favor and he is just pretty much beyond help. it is sad but there is nothing i or anyone else can do. still it has resulted in distance between us. but he clearly needs to stop drinking, but will not. it is ruining his marriage and his life and put a strain on every relationship and friendship he has, but he still drinks. after 2 dui’s, several injuries and hospital visits, several Inpatient treatment stays. still drinking. trying to hide the drinking from the wife but that obv doesnt work. now wife is probably leaving. i really can’t blame her! i could not put up with that either!

but yeah back in the DAY me and him used to drink a lot together. these days i get along with him better when he is not drinking. cuz his drinking is an even bigger problem than my drinking was. but he wont stop drinking. very frustrating and disappointing and sad.

also i am disappointed at my own COWARDICE and BALLLESSNESS with him. I should have put my foot down and said, you HAVE To stop drinking or your wife will leave you, and she will be RIGHT to do so; and NO I am not going to stop by the liquor store on the way back to your house so you can buy little shot bottles of booze that you can sneak past your wife in your pockets. didnt you just go to REHAB in the past 4-5 months I have not seen you? and now day drinking on a day off from work due to a physical injury that was probably related to the drinking?

sheeeeeit. was I this bad to HER? like he is pushing me out of his life with his behavior, I pushed her out of mylife with my behavior?

NO DONT THINK THAT. COGNITIVE DISTORTION. its 2 VERY different things. being a damn incorrigible alcoholic is much different than having Feels for somebody. esp when you have been a Big Drinker for Many years and had Many Would-Be Wake Up Calls but refuse to listen to them.

also luv is more luving and good than drinking, which is blatantly destructive. culture of life vs culture of death hahaha.

yeh its a LOT different and its RIDICULOUS i would even THINK to compare them, and shows how DISTORTED muh thinking is, and with Distorted Thinking like THAT, no WONDER i got into despair and low confidence!!!!!

but yeah i received the invite for muh auspicious 10th interview after i have submitted 260 applications. this makes for some easy math. assuming  1 out of 26 applications leads to an interview and 1 out of 26 interviews leads to a job, I have to then apply to 676 jobs. Not 400 hehehehe. MOVE THE GOALPOSTS hahahaha.

i just went from 65% done with muh job search to….like 40% hehehe. DAMN.

and yet i dont feel BETRAYED by this friend. disappointed and frustrated, sure, but not betrayed. I don’t think i’ve EVER really felt BETRAYED by anybody, not even THAT PERSON. Disappointed, frustrated, heartbroken, let down, left hanging, left in the lurch, left high and dry, abandoned, sure, but not really  betrayed. how could she feel that about me? But I dont know that she does, in fact, chances are she DOESNT, much like I dont feel betrayed by her!

heh. i have an incident with this GUY and I bring it right back to that WOMAN, even though she is out of my life for a YEAR, and he is still hanging on by a thread.

yep the perfect thing to get comfy. triumph of the will and chill. would be nice to have cuddling with a tradwife while watching this hehehehe.

yes i am aware “tradwife” is a joke term for a tranny man. very alt right.

the only other bad thing other than this job being 3 to 11pm is that it is very near HER house. i mean it is almost comically close. I might even be able to SEE her house from there. spy in her window and see her getting fooked by tyrone and leroy and dewayne and rodney every night.

so yeah i dont want to drive by her street if i get this job. it would be funny if i were looking out a window directly into her bedroom watching her fook and suck ingras and eminems and neck tattoo pill popping trash.

i am worried she will become a slut now because she has no real father and she is into ridiculous conspiracy stuff. i was surprised when i learned she WASNT a slut. I just figured she WOULD be. and i am assmad if she can BECOME a slut at age 25 and would rather fook 6 gorillion black dicks than to even say SORRY to ME.

than to even send me ONE TEXT saying sorry for throwing you away like garbage when you were an important person to me for almost three years. i just realized that’s not the right thing to do.

unpleasant thoughts that That Person, my waifu who i am trying to forget and let go of but its a long painful PROCESS and I have to RESPECT THE PROCESS, that she is just a crazy Conspiracy Truther Nutty Slut like sinead mccoalburner.  and i take no pleasure in sinead’s disgrace either! I WISH she were a decent white waifu instead of a nutty slut!!

Note: that person was a lot nicer and a lot less shrill and a lot more laid back and calm than sinead!

676 applications to get ONE job???? is this REALLY what ALL normies must go through?

maybe it is. I just would have liked a little preparation for the reaming hahaha.

also i guarantee those darn baby boomers didnt have to do this. 676 applications. 26 interviews before one job. they just showed up on time with a high school diploma and that was good enough to make 1979’s equivalent of 15 bucks an hour hahahaha.

not bullshitting through 26 interviews about how you are a real team player and hit the ground running and add value, to get a 14 dollar an hour job!

14 bucks and hour, forget 15. 14 is closer to average. just want average. not greedy.

willie nelson, red headed stranger album

1975. regarded as one of his best actual albums not counting like live and greatest hits albums. also want to find a good live album. and something with merle haggard.

meh the album was a little underwhelming, plus i think the uploader has mixed it up to avoid copyright stuff and inserted a bit that was not even willie nelson.  underwhelming overall. was hoping for more band, or maybe every song would be more like “can i sleep in your arms” etc.

yep the woman i luved is giving her body to thugs and deadbeats and eminems and i’m NOT supposed to be angry and jealous? she can do THAT but not even RESPOND to me? and just cuddling with her would have been a life changing, game changer, religious experience for me.

because this job is technically in a law enforcement related agency, i wonder if they give random drug tests to all their employees throughout the year. some places do that. like being a police officer. but what about the slackers in the back office giving Administrative Support to the police dept? do THEY REALLY need regular drug tests?

i mean i just want to start working and start sm0king MJ again hahahaha. i can handle an initial pre-employment drug test, but regular drug tests after getting hired would suuuuuccccckkkkkkk. I guess I would still take the job though. I mean why WOULDNT I. 40 hours a week, no more, union, benefits, 30k a year, municipal office job. COME ON.

 

WOMEN: SERIAL HEART KILLERS

june 29

sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit

how many job apps a day do i need to do to Feel OK about uh self? 5? 8? 10? 14? 20? obviously, the higher the better. because my new goal is to get to 500 job apps and maybe by then i will have a yob hahahaha. at 200 now.

well, how abotu 420 hahaha.

so not to DOX too much but at our weekly social game night we have a guy who has been “glomming” onto our group for a Long Time, like almost 2 years, and he has a reputation for being Drunk, Obnoxious, and Overbearing. It has gradually been getting Worse instead of better and our Group Leadership is reaching a point where they want to Dump this guy, but of course that would involve a difficult conversation.

i could not help but see the parallels between this and my situation, especially when Our Leader said half-jokingly that he wished he could just “GHOST” the guy.

HOWEVER there are also such important differences that this is APPLES AND ORANGES from my situation with the woman.

in other words, it would behoove me not to dwell on the tiny similairities here, but instead the big differneces.

because basically i dont want to be like this guy, also, this does not involve a close connection between two people, but a casual connection to a social group for a specific gaming night.

also he has a pattern of this type of behavior, and has been pushed away from other groups for the exact same reason.

but yeah i hate to think i was like HIM to HER.

but i WASNT, because we had a real friendship.

even APART from the Special Feelings which I had, BEFORE all that shit, it was STILL a Good Close Friendship. something real and long term and valuable and worth something. even BEFORE I got feelings. and you cant just throw something of Value away like that.

but yeah it was a good example of a Negative Cognitive Distortion (Despair Causing) when I thought O GOD IM JUST LIKE HIM to HER. I was so overbearing that I got what I deserved, i couldnt take a hint, couldnt see the writing on the wall.

sort of….but the relationship was TOTALLYYYYYYYYYYYY different from this social group. I am not particularly intimate or super-close with any of the men, and I felt I was closer and more intimate with Her than with Them.

not that they are bad guys! the relationship is just very well-defined and compartmentalized.

even this drunk guy is not a bad guy per se….he just gets very overbearing when drinking. he is normally overbearing but its somewhat tolerable when sober, but he is unfort a bit of a habitual drinker, often pre-drinking before showng up to the pub, where he drinks some more and get incoherent, slurring the words drunk.

but he is not a physical or confrontational guy, rather he is desperate to Belong and Fit In and be Connected and Be Accepted and Have Friends. which are very legitimate desires which we ALL have. so i cant blame him for that.

but his personality and his drinking just push everyone away!

so i thought oh god what if my personality just pushes peopel away!

also i USED to be an obnoxious drunk like that who annoyed people with my drunkenness. but i totally changed that and stopped drinking altogether.

anyway  i hate to think she viewed ME like our group views HIM. just an annoying nuisance who needs to be kicked out because its just gotten to be Too Much and it makes the event less fun.

but again, APPLES AND ORANGES, because its a totally different type of relationship!!!!!!

now he is very bitter towards his ex wife, and i am SURE his behavior had something to do with that.

but im sure she gave him time. i mean they had to be MARRIED for like 10 years, they had a kid, etc.

but he managed to apparently make good money and retire at a very below average age and now has plenty of money to drink yikes.

its SAD really because hes not a bad guy, and there is some good raw material there. its TRAGIC how he pushes people away. its like a sad little boy who just wanted friends but he was just too much to handle so no one wanted to be friends with him.

and i hate to be like THAT!

http://bbs.dailystormer.com/t/the-death-cult-skipping-towards-the-graveyard/37665

heheheh good anti gay article at daily stormer

mein negers hahahaha

i just gave andy anglin ANOTHER 50 cents the other day when he was having 503 server overload hehehe

but yeah I WAS OVERBEARING AND somehwat obnoxious i admit it…..but dont ghost me bro hahaha. i wasnt just glomming on to you. you used to show an interest in ME and said i was a good friend and i thought you were a good friend and things were good for almost 2 years and we got along really well. didnt THAT mean anything to you? didnt THAT build any goodwill? dont you think that earns me more than a Ghosting? i wasnt just some overbearing hanger-on. I was a REAL TRUEFRIEND.

i was a true friend, not some weird guy you just temporarily tolerated.

so i think i had EARNED better response to my weirdness, when I got weird.

protein powder + whole milk + coffee oh yeah hahaha.

some companies do not post on indeed at all but you can find them all over MONSTER. learn how to set up company alerts to email you immediately wiht new postings, from monster, careerbuilder as well as indeed.

references OTHER than previous employers and relatives??? AND relatives???? OTHER than previous employers??? wtf???

also applications that demand a full 15 year record INCLUDING explanation for ALL gaps.

i guess they are intentionally trying to limit their applicant pool….which is good for me, right?

QUALIFICATIONS:

Non Smoker

Does Not require Medical Benefits

hehehehe wow theres a new one, see something new every day. so you want medical benefits? NOT WITH US! you’re not GOOD ENOUGH to DESERVE medical benefits! you gotta PAY YOUR DUES before you can get a job with BENNIES!

was at the Supermarket and I saw a woman driving a car in the parking lot that looked SO MUCH like her. i thought it WAS her.

it wasnt the car i remember her having, but she could ostensibly have gotten a different car, there was a vanity license plate which she probably wouldnt get. there was a man in the passenger seat.

maybe she got a new boifran and is driving his car because he is in a bad mood or his license is suspended hahahaha. at least the guy was white hahaha.

hut yeah its hard to see a person driving a car 15 feet away, i tried as best i could, and all i could tell was that they looked very similar to That Woman. but this has happened occasionally. Every 25 year old white gurl with long dark hair wearing sunglasses I think is HER.

so, it probably WASNT her, but I still dont like seeing people that remind me of HER.

ok got it up (hehehe) to eight legit applications today. that was muh goal and i wasnt sure if i would get there. so good for me and have some grade A and B+ postings to do tomorrow.

or how about i need to get 100 rejection emails? only have 42 so far hehehe.

heh this is how i should be approaching WOMEN. 8-10 25 year old, no children, n < 5, white women PER DAY. hahahaha because there are a shitload of women like that.

hey you cant make a whore into a housewife. once a slut always a slut. better to have tendies than roasties hahahaha.

yeah i hate seeing women that look like her. reminds me of her. and we used to have something really GOOD. even BEFORE I fell in feelings with her, we had something very good and important and valuable.  now absolutely nothing but pain and bitterness and some regret.

some really good times like i never had with a woman……..but also some reallllllll baddddddd times that I think outweighed the good times.

but i want to have those kind of good times with a woman. but i still want HER to be that woman. i have not gotten over HER in other words and that will still take awhile.

but yeah you cant make a degenerate into a nondegenerate hahaha.

well sure you can! I changed my ways didn’t I?

i just think its apples and oranges when you are talking about an n > 4 woman. those are people you’re talking about. not like drugs or alcohol or some inanimate object. and that is the Life Creation Process we’re talking about, not just Getting Loaded.

DO YOU REALLY WANT A WHORE FOR THE MOTHER OF YOUR CHILDREN?????

heheheh

but yeah you fear that how can something THIS special happen more than ONCE in your life. i mean it feels like a once in a lifetime thing. moreover, how the hell is it gonna happen in like the medium term of the next ten years, because you want to find a woman under 30 so she can have damn CHILDREN, and having CHILDREN is VERY affected by age. Like yeah kinda stupid if I am 80 years old and finally find true luv again with some 70 year old woman. realllll fooking stupid. i think you only fall in true luv IF they are in fact YOUNG enough to be fairly fertile. in other words, being of Fertile Age can CAUSE luv. or its a PREREQUISITE. you’re not gonna fall in luv with a woman past the age of child bearing.

in other words, LOVE is Child-Focused, or at least, Reproduction-Focused. Life-Creation-Focused.

june 30.

ayo hol up. so i just got a sort of rejection email from the POST OFFICE saying that there is an exam requirement, and the maximum number of exam takers has been reached so….i am out of luck. this is for the carrier job. well sheeeit i already took the 473 exam or whatever and did pretty good on it. this is NOT the PSE mail processor job i had the more in depth interview for. but THEY said yeah we dont really have an exame for this job. in other words, i thought the exam i actually took was for this darn CARRIER position (also PSE I’m sure) which i got the email abotu today. so what if the tests are full? I ALREADY TOOK THE TEST ALMOST 2 MONTHS AGO!

anyway like i say i am very negative about the post office hahaha

but yeah technically yesterday was pretty good. got 8 legit applications in, got a 5 mile walk in the BEAUTIFUL sun, have to maximize that. made some cigarets, went to social gaming night, listened to the fatherland.

3 applications in before 12 pm hahahaha that is pretty good for me

did not have any interviews this week. ideally i would have 1 or 2 every week.

shit. got 7 done by 2:30 pm. so close to 8. gotta do it. gotta PUT IN THE REPS even when youre not getting results hehehe.

wewlad, 226 applied jobs now. got muh 8th in at a “business process services” place ie a possibly glorified kinkos hehehe.

so now would be the perfect time to go Find Leads. Originate Shit to apply to muh 8 tomorrow.

newest dark tranquillity album does not sound bad or even boring at all. he brings back the cleans a bit! and he has good cleans.

idiot on youtube says insomnium is way better than dark tranquillity. wow just wow. i cant even. no just no. um yeah no. you seem fun. you seem smart ahhahahaha.

im 12 and what is this

heh you know you are old when you dont have to make excuses to enjoy at the gates “slaughter of the soul”, or preface this with a bunch of apologies and qualifiers and ironies. because you are so old that you listened to it within 5 years of it coming out. but 10 to 15 years after it came out, it was reviled as the harbinger of super derivative and boring Melodeth that was just being copied and copied to death. yeah well i never listened to that shit. I just listened to SOTS when I was 17 and there was not really a New Wave of Melodeth. When dark tranquillity and in flames were still young and exciting bands. I actually saw DT and IF on tour together in concert. that was a good show. small club in….2002?

i didnt know much of in flames but they were headlining and they were real good.

but i did know some of DT and they were really really good and should have been headlining imho. but in flames was suprisingly good too.

and then in flames got crapped on to no end later, as did at the gates. DT got crapped on the least.

none of them really deserves to get crapped on!

good live recording of DT in 2009 (actually 2008). by this time i had tuned out of DT but i sort of came back later and caught up. good band. massive respect. I really should try to see them live again. it has been like 14 years since i saw them that one time hahaha.

well it is 4th of july weekend. all the managers and powerful peopel will be taking a long weekend so i prob didnt have a lot of chance to have an interview this week, and maybe the shit will pour in NEXT week, after the holiday.

rejection email for 35k a year admin asst job, a rare FT job at this place i would liek to get in. 28 days after the application.

heheheh so youre saying i should not expect much from those 40k jobs i applied to recently hehehe.

uh yeah i think i might be saying that? i dunno know and i cant get any clarification, so….you just have to take my not so good guess hahahaha.  IT IS WHAT IT IS.

anyway DT actually make playing live look fun and remind me of why I wanted to do it. doesn’t mean they cant be degenerates tho.

but its hard for people who want to live a nondegenerate life of having wife and keeids.

oh you mean doing drugs and alcohol and banging degen disease sluts and acting like ingras all the time gets old? hahaha.

OF COURSH!

oh good for them, they’re not even so drunk they can’t play their instruments for the people who paid 30 bucks to see them hahaha. good for them. i dont show up so drunk to work every day that i cant do my job. when i had a job hahahaha.

see i experienced the drugs and alcohol but i never experienced the banging sluts. like a revolving door of white trash sluts with their own drinking and drug problems. i banged a very middle class slut once who went on to have a great career despite her bipolar hahahaha. although I’m pretty sure her marriage failed LOL. because she’s a bipolar slut who is probably really bad at relationshits hahaha.

well she’s good at career though. I am bad at both relationships AND career!

well at least I’m not BIPOLAR!

well i might be hahaha. give it another 10 years of Treatment Resistant Depression and Shitty High Stress Jobs and Woman Hating, hahaha.

its really not hard to like women if they’re not bitchy to you.

put another way, its really easy to overlook their major shortcomings when they are making an effort to be NICE to you!

if a job is in a Call Center, they should say that up front. You shouldn’t have to have a damn INTERVIEW to find out its in a Call Center. And also you have to ask them at the interview: yes or no. is this in a call center. and give me an idea of the pay. like, i will apply for a 30k job and feel pretty entitled. I apply to a 40k job and I know that is a Huge Reach, and maybe I shouldnt even waste my time.

but I would be most HOPEFUL about a….25-28k job. or a 14-15 DAH job. and you dont see a lot of postings advertising something in that sweet spot. you will see postings of 9 DAH or 20 DAH, with nothing in between hehehe.

well what I want is 14 DAH…..and no jobs will publicly post that wage.

hey really good sound on that live album above. that is NOT easy to do with a live metal recording. the vast majority of metal live recordings are shitty hehehe. can only listen to them if you are a Huge Fan In The Mood. but this one will make you a huge fan and put you in the mood!

heh. i wish i could just go back to drinking. its something social to do. you go out with people and you DRINK. and hopefully they like you because you are out socializing and DRINKING with them. I guess I could bring MJ to these sorts of things…..but i dont like doing MJ with people unless I feel Super Close with them. I always feel very Self Conscious, liek people are Judging me.

so it says a lot that I really WANTED to smoke MJ with That Woman…..when NORMALLY I dont want to smoke MJ with ANYBODY.

thats actually a good measure for how close of a friend they are: would you want to smoke MJ with them, or would you just get nervous around them?

a “good alternative” to me drinking would be me doing BENZOS hahaha. but I would need to take a COUPLE. take at LEAST 2 valiums or xanaxs, if not 3.

some women will stubbornly stay with and NOT give up their boifrands who are depressed or otherwise Not Right hehehe.  I have to think that these men are extremely masculine otherwise, because Depression (Despair) makes a man less masculine and essentially makes him VERY unattractive to women, in other words, it will drive women away, and you can’t expect ANY woman to Be There For You during your Hard Times, because your Hard Times will make you very repulsive, and you will push them away.

Now I’m not saying your GF Waifu should help Cure Your Issues. I AM saying they should Stand By You and Support You while you DEAL with the Ups and The Downs. And now LEAVE you when you start first showing Signs of Weakness and you Need them the Most, then blame them for being Weak and Needy.

So what ELSE is it about these Depressed men who DONT drive their tradwaifus away with their depression? Where the woman says, oh noes, I want to help my beloved husbando get through this! We’ll get thru this together!

cuz bitches dump ME at the very first sign I am not fooking Super Confident Thor Alpha. And Depression/Despair attacks your Alpha Confidence DIRECTLY. It attacks That Which Makes you Attractive to Women.

Meanwhile, when WOMEN get Depression, it has NO RELEVANCE to what makes women attractive to men. So Men are more likely to stay with a woman with Issues, than a Woman will stay with a man With Issues.

shit That Woman didnt even know the Depths Of My Despair, shit as far as I’m concerned its nobodys business but my own, i refuse to tell a woman about it because I KNOW it will make them BOLT like the road runner, leaving just a cloud of dust.  cuz thats just how women ARE. they leave you in the lurch and dont support you, so you better not show ANY weakness or need of support.

so i never told her I see a shrink once every 3 weeks, or that I have been taking AD’s since like 2008. and that this despair is very much tied into my Failure At Life.

But she didn’t really care that I was a Failure at life! She didn’t SEE me that way!

and honestly i am not a TOTAL failure at life! My True Friends dont regard me as a total failure who doesnt deserve to have True Friends!

they dont BAIL on me the second I have a Personal Problem!

True Friends DONT DO THAT!

And I thought she was a true friend.

but its my fault to compromise that with muh feelings. muh fee fees .

i think she WAS a true friend, but she was an IDIOT about dealing with that.

i was an idiot too, or, more accurately, a coward.

shit, she was an idiot AND a coward! and idiot because she totally misunderstood what this meant, and she felt betrayed and mad. at least I was smart enough to know that It Wasnt Betraying.

stupid idiot. would rather suck dicks and get fooked up the ass than not throw away someone she was true friends with for 2.7 years hahahahaha.

i REALLY hope not all women are like this! and she was one of the GOOD ones!!!!

well this is just a case of a good person being a YUGE coward.

ive been a huge coward too and i am basically a good person. but no one was really HURT by my cowardice, other than myself. i never broke anyones HEART with muh cowardice.

i dont WANT to break anyones heart……even after its been done to ME! i dont want to put anyone through this! i would make an effort NOT to break a persons heart in this way.

ok have to do the 5 miler, listen to dark tranquility and the fatherland with richard spencer the phag lover hahahaha. he’s got a faggy voice, why doesn’t his wife leave him? and she’s not even a man because they have a child together!

well because he’s very handsome and apparently charismatic, to lead his organzation. but he doesnt seem THAT charismatic tho! But he IS very handsome. and I think he Lifts. just a little at least. but that phaggy voice and the lack of charisma is gonna cause his wife to leave him and their child hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha jk.

went for 5 mile walk, only listened to dark tranquillity, pretty good show, maybe the guitar sound wasnt AS good as I thought it was, well its still pretty good. very listenable. but I still dont see how “when death is most alive” is a better closer than “final resistance” or another bona fide classic.

and whenever i experience good thrilling things, i wish SHE was there to Share them with. but she is gone forever.

yep 11.5 months later and still.

it’s honestly LESS PAINFUL to HATE women!!!! than to think of her and still want her!

so thats why i hate women. it’s BETTER than the alternative!!!!! its LESS PAINFUL to ME!!!! it protects me and builds a nice protective scar over a deep gaping wound! it allows the gaping wound to slowly HEAL! but its only about 55% healed so far! in 1 year! therefore, 100% in 2 years! yeah thats heavy…..AS IT SHOULD BE!!!!! falling in LUV is a BIG DEAL!!!!

2 years is ok, 4 years is not. and I REALLY dont think it will be 4 years.

set up google alert to deliver me news on the organization that is pushing for legal weed in muh state because they dont have a mailing list and i dont want to look at their facebook hehe

muh soggy knee

damn. weed is degenerate ingra trash but i still feel it would HELP get me THROUGH this Trial. more like a prison sentence hehehe. one more year to go hehehe.  just got to keep going through the motions till then.

http://bbs.dailystormer.com/t/arizona-has-collected-200-000-signatures-demanding-marijuana-legalization/37833

heh tailor made topic for me. great comments

As for those who claim using weed can alleviate anxiety and depression, so can companionship and community. In fact, I would venture to say it is our atomized society and destroyed families that are the cause of so much drug use. The long-term solution to drug abuse is the re-establishment of the traditional family structure and society. In the mean time the powers that be should use draconian laws to crack down on this behavior.

another:

The real studies on the long term effects have shown that marijuana increases the size of the pleasure centers within the brain, which means it requires ever greater amounts of stimuli to trigger them.

What this means in real terms is that outside of the activities that are enjoyed while getting high, the smoker is being actively “brainwashed” or Pavlovian trained to only enjoy consuming the mediums and doing the things that are commonly done while high. This means TV and movies that are produced by j’s that are targets those specific markets is that much more effective in indoctrinating those people.

In effect marijuana allows them to brainwash those people and condition them to be purely hedonistic consumers and likely race-traitors.

It basically means that marijuana is an effective weapon to leverage goys into degeneracy.

That is why they push for it. Every place that has legal marijuana also has ridiculous firearm restrictions as well. There is no such thing as a coincidence when talking about j’s.

another:

Alcohol will kill you before it allows you to be effectively indoctrinated.

I am not advocating it’s consumption constantly or in excess, but it’s far less dangerous to our society than marijuana. Marijuana is very deceptively dangerous, as it’s danger is subversive, not visibly present.

another:

An ex-weed smoker here.

Weed is much more dangerous than people think. It won’t get you crazy, you won’t kill your family, won’t make you do crime to get it. But it weakens your willpower and gives you a false feeling of saticefaction. Also people think that it lasts for a couple of hours and that’s it. It’s bullshit. It effects your brain even the day after you smoked it. The majority is just too blunt to notice it. But it really does.

ok thats enough haha. END QUOTES

but im using it for MEDICAL purposes, to help with muh despair and anxiety. and to help me get over broken heart. and to help me escape into a fantasy world from a disappointing real world hahahaha. to be content with substandard shit. to be content with being a LAZY LOSER the rest of muh life. yikes!

I took responsibility for what I did wrong, why couldnt YOU???!?!?!?!?

because she was having hard times in life, was overwhlemed and scared, and was cowardly and immature, and her father abandoned her, and her BF broke her heart and threw HER away recently, and her mother doesnt get along with men well, and she’s still not over the more serious BF, and she is Emotionally Retarded hehehe.

so I don’t really mean WHY, i mean, jeez I wish you could have taken responsibility for what you did wrong, like I did.

TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHAT YOU DID WRONG.

I DID!!!!

really i dont care if MJ gets legalized recreationally, it would be just as good for me if Medical MJ were approved for Despair or Anxiety, because I have documented conditions for those. ESPECIALLY despair.

at the moment, shady old retired doctors will give you a certification just for walking in. doesnt matter if you have no records, no bona fide doctor patient relationship, no qualifying conditions!

that is how That Woman got HER medical card! just wandered into some random place and was “in and out in 5 minutes lol” with no medical records, no questions about qualifying conditions. she doesnt even know what the qualifying conditions ARE. and lemme tell ya, she doesnt have a one.

i could probably ask the guy i see at my weekly social thing if he can get any MJ for me hehehehe. my problem right now is that I dont really know anyone who can get me it hehehe. it used to be That Woman because she had a medical card and went to The Store regularly and was More Than Happy to Pick Something Up For Me. and I said ohhh thank you sweetie you are the greatest, i hope we can hang out this month and smoke some MJ together, it would be so much fun! never happened hahahaha. but she had no problem with buying stuff for me. Weird amirite? well i mean I would pay for it of course hahaha.

i mean 10 years ago, the whole town would go “dry” and we couldnt get MJ for WEEKS sometimes hahahaha.

and you certainly couldnt have any CHOICE in what KIND of MJ you got! you either had low medium or high quality. no differentiation between sativa and indica, which to me is the most important thing. sativa makes me panic, indica doesnt hahaha.

but despair peopel who take MJ can sometimes get WORSE! maybe thats what happened to me, now i am permanently fooked up!

 

HONESTY ISNT THE BEST POLICY, ITS THE ONLY POLICY

may 15

sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeit. have interview with post office people tomorrow. they say bring the social security card. so weird to have interview tehnically after a drug test and ss card. i thought drug test and ss card means you got the job. also I thought all jobs do 14 interviews. but i guess that costs too much.

just know that everything is done to cut costs….but at the ground level, you will see how these top-down changes are incompetent, and will end up costing more money. so you will say i thought these k1kes wanted to SAVE money. they do. they are just incompetent at it. so when this plan backfires, as it is already doing, they will just have to lay people off to really save money. like you hahahaha.

makes you want to get an mba so you be one of those k1ke managers hahahaha.

and they dont even all have mba’s!!!!!!!!!!! the director of your department does not have an mba!!!!!!!

the only place for non top tier mba’s in your company, is at level 1, answering phones like you hahaha. thats what an mba at capella online u gets you. same job as 20 year old community college dropouts hahahahaha.

heh. i like when you see the same jobs posted again like 1 or 2 months later, and you applied the first time, and nothing happened. its maybe a shitty job with high turnover so that they are always hiring people, and will hire anyone with a pulse…..but they still didnt invite you to take a pre interview assessment test hahaha.

and women dont get the slightest bit nervous when new men stick their new dicks up their baby maker. with a big new strange sweaty man pressing his sweaty hairy stinky body against them, yet they dont know a damn thing about him. a week ago you had no idea who this guy is. now you’re willfully letting him do this….very willingly. you LOVE it! what can you say about someone who LOVES degeneracy?

i dont mind peopel touching me……..if i know them! if I dont know them, then yes I do mind!

i just want to find a woman who feels the same way. and doesnt let everybody Touch her in this very Special Way.

i mean, two naked bodies pressed against each other, genitals inside of genitals, it boggles my mind how ANYONE could NOT think this is inherently intimate!!!!!!! yes so many people just dont care! its as intimate as a handshake!

how fooked up are YOU to think that the life creation process with naked bodies pressed together and genitals inside of genitals is no more intimate than a mere handshake?

how can ANYONE think that way?

why are most women like this?

well, j00s of course hahahaha. creating a mainstream culture where sex is nothign but sexy fun. but more importantly, how can I find a woman who isnt like this?

i think i might be exagerating again. a classic cognitive distortion used by despairers, which convinces themselves that things are worse than they actually are.  you convince yourself that things are abjectly horrible. absolutely disgusting. absolutely degenerate. when theyre just a LITTLE degenerate. you see that and run with it. take the ball and rush for 99 yards, to use a football metaphor hahaha.

so in other words, all women arent really THAT bad.

heck even SHE is not that bad.

i am just very emotional because of the grief and the way she dumped me. and then i get very emotional. but even she isnt that bad, treating sex as casually as a handshake.

my distorted mind has a tendency to exagerate, especially on horrible things.

so….i had terrible judgment then. how am i supposed to make good decisions? when good decisions are the foundation of a good life. you need to make good decisions all day long at your grueling job. jobs are 10 hours a day of making tough decisions. correctly.

i think the technical name for that distorion is overgeneralizing, mixed with Magnifying. that is my thing. taking the worst element, and saying that represents the whole category. so, think of the top 1% worst sluttiness women are capable of, and then say 100% of women are like that.

say 100% of women are as bad as the worst 1% of women.

or blacks, or j00s, or muslims hahahahahaha.

anyway. if your thought processes are so screwed up that you have made yourself an emotional basket case….how are you supposed to make the good decisions you need to make to be able to Hold Down A Job?

well when it comes to doing problems and such, i can get a high gpa in skool, get a’s in classes, and actually get good quality marks on muh job scorecard. I just do horribly with women. and to be fair, that’s at least halfway on them and not just me.

i was willing to handle things well, but they werent hahaha.

well that being said, i was not perfect either.

ok the other day while at fatclub i listened to the first 2 nile albums in a row basically. tried to visualize big fat jolly karl sanders. it helped but even back then the drums were too clicky and i just wanted to stop them and say AYO HOL UP guyz. you dont need to cram a new riff in here. its OK to have a NORMAL part in your songs. you should have MOAR NORMAL parts. i am SURE this stuff is fun as hell to PLAY, but it takes too much EFFORT to listen to.  your best songs are the ones that are actual songs instead of a dumptruck full of crazy riffs piled on top of each other. i appreciate that you are not sloppy at all…..but why should you be sloppy? its a conscious choice to make ridiculously technical, fast music. 300 bpm riffs in weird 5, 7, 9, 13 time. jagged changes everywhere. you just cant tell whats going on. need a more song-oriented approach like “festivals of atonement.” SONG ORIENTED not dumptrucks of crazy technical riff oriented. we arent talking catchy riffs here. well ok there are a few catchy riffs. there needs to be moar though. you can still have extreme parts. i appreciate extreme parts. no one luves fast blast beats moar than i.

like there is a big difference between dave brubeck doing things in weird times like 5 or 9 or whatever the fook. they are still catchy. the stuff is catchy and you dont realize the time signature is even “weird.”

is this why i “GAVE UP ON” nile? I let ol uncle karl down???????

well uncle karl is gonna continue having a great time playing incomprehensible riffs whether or not I am listening hahaha. I would like him to try to write like a straightforward metal album like iron maiden or something. write normal songs and normal riffs. you can still have an egyptian flavor and have some weird parts. just a better balance of extreme stuff to normal stuff.

but he is a very likable guy, I will never deny that.

also I would like their albums to be closer to 30 minutes than 60 minutes. short albums are best albums.

can we get a combination of nile with type o negative hahahaha.

once upon a time, I sought a combination of burzum and tom waits. oh how very ECLECTIC.  like a real portland hipster f4ggot.

oh sheeeeit managed to apply for 3 jobs on a sunday without even thinking about it. i have reached THAT level and I am very happy and grateful that I have. 2 for a large well known electronic company that has a division in the neighborhood, 1 for the county. the elctronics company is the one that reposted many positions and completely ignored me from about 6 weeks ago.

yeah i am convinced that, as degenerate as MJ is, it would help me get through this stage of PROLONGED GRIEF. I mean its not like I’ve AVOIDED it. its like chronic pain that serves no purpose any more but to cause me pain. i’ve learned all I could from it, and now I just want it to end, but its not ending.

always have some cash on you that you could use to buy MJ from somebody hahaha. be like hay heres $20, think you can get me something Indica like northern lights or afghan kush next time you go to the dispensary? its gotta be indica tho. I know it’s confusing but just trust me, I’m an expert. a Subject Matter Expert hahaha.

McGill University. “Cannabis: Potent Anti-depressant In Low Doses, Worsens Depression At High Doses.” ScienceDaily. ScienceDaily, 24 October 2007. <www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/10/071023183937.htm>.

that feel when you read breakup articles on psych today then find that you are the same age as the phd author, and you went to college with them, and they became a successful phd from stanford, and are now a postdoc researcher and writing Luv Advice PhD blogs on psych today dot com hahahahaha. am I allowed to say if this gurl was a huge slut or not? probably not allowed to say. I will say she was smokin hot in her undergrad days. i never really talked to her. maybe I felt she was out of my league. also she was a J. at that time I had a huge J fetish and wanted to bone her hard. I dont think I ever talked to her.

well nice to see she is very successful and now advising people on relationships with her phd hahaha. it would have been nice to bang her hot young body tho. in her small photo she just looks like an average attractive 30 year career professional woman. when she was 20 she was smokin hawt hahaha. well. as much as i hate saying that about a J. she didnt look super J’ish tho.

anyway its just funny now. 5 years ago I would have CARED more and gotten more BUTTHURT about it, like I COULDA BEEN A PHD TOO!!!!!!!! I COULDA BEEN A CONTENDER!!!!! i am just as smart as Jooish Wimmin but they are getting PHDs and outperforming the hell out of me because I am a lazy loser bla bla bla.

now Im just like I dont care. I dont want anything to do with marxist Jooz and middle class phds. she is probably very good at breaking her boifranz balls, emasculating them like a preying mantis. theres no bitch worse than a j00ish bitch hahahahahaha.

although if she came to me and bent over and begged PLEASE FOOK ME IN THE ASS I would gladly oblige her!

of course I would do the same with THAT WOMAN too.

i could bitch about her having grief for people that she has lost, and 8, 10 years later, she is still mourning them to I might say an unhealthy degree. but I would never judge someone for that. I would say, its ok to miss this person, but 10 years? really? how about you talk to me and i will be your shrink. death is just a part of life baby and they are in a better place, and they would want you to move on with your life, take the help I’m offerng you hahaha.

i wouldnt say, thats weird, youre weird for not getting over this, I’m dumping you.

because I totally understand how it can take Too Long to get over someone. how Grief can last Too Long.

thing is, she doesnt DESERVE this grief. its not like she died tragically, at a time when we both Luved each other.

anyway, she was very important to me, so she leaves a VOID, so I GRIEVE heavily. so I have to fill that void somehow until the pain fades away in a few years. I have been trying to fill it with Exercise and writing, and that helps, but I still need moar. its not enough. and I think MJ would be another helpful tool. thats all. MJ, exercise, and writing. And ideally Working.

so yeah. when grief is lasting too long, try to fill the void with: copious exercise, MJ, work, and hopefully you have some good friends that you can spend some real quality time with.

these stupid stoners. i mean they have 3 or more different groups with 3 different petitions. if they just had 1 petition, and 1 group behind it, then there would be no question of getting enough signatures. i think the biggest one will get enough signatures anyway, but the other groups should have backed out MONTHS ago and directed people to the one group. we can all agree that legal MJ is the goal. its not like who do you want for pres. its not like trump vs hillary.

but since im not an expert, i dont know the best practices. but these stupid stoners do. i fookin doubt it.

your shot in the dark is better than the expert’s best practices hahahaha.

fook experts. they were just in the right time at the right place. they played politics well enough to survive longer than a year.

but i guess you could learn great life skills like bullshitting and passing the buck from them.

well i am like the mechanic at the car shop i talked to recently:

HONESTY ISNT THE BEST POLICY, ITS THE ONLY POLICY.

i mean on the job, when you have to make serious decisions. little white lies are ok for the sake of kindness and politeness. but on the job, just tell people, i dont know, nobody knows, yeah that sucks, it is what it is. i dont know what to tell ya, and no you cant talk to my manager. i wish he WOULD talk to you, but he’s a dishonest coward hahahaha. you’re working with a company full of dishonest cowards who want to screw you. except me. I’m on your side. but I can’t help you. and my company sure as hell doesnt want to. my advice? find a better company. and if you do, call me and tell me about them so I can try to get a job there. this company SUCKS. they dont give a shit about you. they just want to take your money and run. they will not back it up with reliable, good service. they will leave you in the lurch just like a damn woman.

maybe my phd college classmate can write an article for psych today abotu why women are so unreliable and leave people in the LURCH so much. she’s a PHD in leaving people in the lurch im sure. well not her Faculty Advisers but the men in her life. OK now I am bordering on slander hahaha. I deleted the link to her article. do not want to DOX muh self! oy vey!!

but yeah its not unheard of that I will read a damn news article and run across the names of people I went to high achiever college with. some of which are now Senior Editors at stupid magazines that then might get quoted in larger magazines; or Senior Organizers with bla bla nonprofit; or blabla postdoc researcher phd at harvard authoring blabla study. i mean these people are ridiculously successful. I had no idea people could even BE this successful. i had to go to middle class j00niversity just to learn these levels of success even existed. phd at harvard basically.

no i did not go to harvard but the better performers from my school did phds at harvard or other ridic schools like stanford, yale, MIT. top skools. top kek hahahaha. kekekekekekek.

it took me a long time to get over all that status anxiety hahahaha. (de botton). you might think I still have it because I make butthurt jokes about it. but Im really not butthurt any more. about THAT. hahaha. I am plenty butthurt about other, more recent things.  i couldnt give a shit if some J00ish cvnt I vaguely knew over 10 years ago is a successful phd. who the fook reads psychology today anyway.  get in the NY Slimes bitch hahahaha otherwise no one cares. not only was all that obvious and unsurprisingly, it honestly just doesnt matter.

i’ll tell ya what does matter, is this huge void of grief in my life hahahaha. so its not FAIR that I fell in luv with her and ruined the friendship. FINE. its not FAIR she left me in such a mean way.

honestly there was very little she COULD do. i mean its not her responsibility to emotionally support me after dumping me. the dumper HELPING the dumpee through the dumping. nope. well i think they SHOULD, because they are the one causing you this pain, but we all know its just not POSSIBLE for them to support you, cuz you would just want to have them back. so the best they can do is say SORRY, and show some remorse for the pain they are causing you. it doesnt sound like a lot, but when you don’t get it, you see how much it matters.

ok have to do 1000 calkories at fatclub.