wed aug 2

looked up the amount of money i spent during muh unemployment and was horrified and disgusted. i am not a big spender! but somehow i spent a lot of money! essentially blew through a Larger Than Average Emergency Fund!!!!!!!!

heh. the hugest expenses were, by far, car related (aka useless shit tier insurance) and going to see the SHRINK. everything else was DWARFED in comparison to that. even going out to restaurants to play my weekly game was NOTHING in comparison to those two things. also the local grocery store / supermarket was a big thing, but thats not surpirsing.

i made 152 dollars on mturk hehehehe.

yep. car insurance, shrink, and grocery store were biggest expenses because i dont have to pay rent like NORMIES because i am a neet. now, the grocery store should involve a lot of stuff that i am buying for the fam, and or gifts for them. spent more on gifts for them .

cant break down the many categories of stuff i bought at the grocery store, which also includes gas, clothes, food, nonfood.

also its funny that shitty, useless, absolutely cheapest car insurance was the #1 biggest expense. and Budget Shrink once a month was a little below that. my biggest entertainment expense, my weekly, sometimes twice weekly game, didnt even come close. or me buying clothes like a madman. spend 488 dollars on clothing. and that was all this year. well from july to dec 2015 i was pretty much completely dead.

i mean i try to “give money to muh fam” whenever i possibly can by buying them stuff, because they refuse to Charge Me Rent like a Normie fam would, like they SHOULD, because not to is to enable muh neetism, so i fight against that by essentially slipping money into their wallet when they arent looking hahahahaha.

this is exactly the kind of tech support my old company would give, the type of “advice” that woman was great at giving. somebody says the feature is not working. tech support assumes the user is doing it wrong, and gives the the “right” steps. this is exactly what the user IS doing….and it is not working. there CLEARLY is a technical issue that needs to be looked at and acted on by the company. but they sit their silent and just imply that you’re doing it wrong.

spent 369 on muh weekly hobby during muh 17 months of shitty neetness. honestly less than i expected. but oh yeah one place doesnt take credit cards. all this data is coming from muh credit card. i do not use cash anymore for this very reason. analytics. data. reports. trends.

took benedryl because i got the hankering to sm0ke MJ…..but of course i dont have any. might have some in jan 2019 god willing. 2 more years. legal MJ hehehehe. hope to get it on the ballot in 2018, where it would PROBABLY pass, but it possibly could not pass. maybe 60 40 odds hehehehe. of passing.

shit i would even be willing to take a TINY dose of mushrooms. but it has to be TINY. i would rather not feel anything than feel anything. because a bad trip is just not worth it. at all. it will put you into a world of panic, dread, emptiness, despair, fear, hopelessness, death hahahahaha. but good trips can give you the opposite of all that. and that is what i am looking for.

always take less of whatever drug it is. you know who tells you to take MORE? druggie degenerates. OVEN YOURSELF.

i am happy i have totally resisted the urge to type that womans name into google and try to stalk her that way. prob find her linkedin and instagram where she is posting images of her fooking negros hahahahahaha. making spelling errors and poor writing on her linkedin for her Tough Stressful Job where she makes a lot more money than me.

her name getting in the News for being so good at her Career she became an Expert. or maybe doing Activism for one of her Causes. or she went back to school, got highest honors, and is getting a Grad or Law degree.

i mean she doesnt have a unique name so when i searched her before all this shit happened, like in oct 14 to june 15 when i was in luv with her, she wouldnt even be on the first 2 or 3 pages of google. just other people with her same name.

now if you search my name on google, you immediately get my linkedin, my twitter, on the very top of the first page, and i am happy with that. but i really SHOULD have many company and skool awards and blurbs about honors and awards ive won, me and my unique name just got promoted, just spearheaded a 50 million dollar project, etc. got married to a beautiful 22 year old gurl, had a 3rd child, bought a house in a 100% huhwhyte neighborhood, etc, getting respect from respected people, etc.

but yeah. if someone wanted to get in touch with me, they could find my email address REAL easy. SHE could find my email address if she just googled muh name. moron probably couldnt spell it right hahahahahahahahahahahahaha. i am so desperate for her to google me, find the email, and contact me. because she blocked my email and deleted it so she doesn’t know what it is anymore hehehehehe. and she desperately wants to apologize to me and luv me, but she doesnt’ know how to contact me. what bullshit. then she could contact at least 2 people we mutually know. or have someone do that for her. or type my name into google. she OBVIOUSLY doesnt WANT to.

WANT. WILL. WILLINGNESS. are you WILLING to do this. this WILLINGNESS is the most important thing. I dont care if anyone ever UNDERSTANDS me. that’s way too much to ask. i would never expect that. i dont even udnerstand myself. i just want them to luv me hahahaha. thats way better than Understanding. I guess LISTENING is important though. but understanding really isnt. i will never complain about being MISUNDERSTOOD. well, except that she misunderstood my motives. yeah that i care a lot about. not being seen as a niceguy who betrayed her by wiating in the wings, waiting to pounce, ulterior motives etc.

benedryl. makes a man tired hehehehe.

dec 24

heh. xmas eve. benedryl last night. was tired. crashed into bed, slept pretty Well, but past 830 am i could not get back to sleep. even though i still felt tired and groggy and sleepy. still do now at 953 am. sleepy but you cant sleep. so i just am thankful i slept a few hours later than muh New Normal wake up time of 515 am.

i was always anti authority. when i was young i disliked and had no respect for my teachers. well the majority of them. some of them i liked. but i never thought, wow, i LUV this teacher, I want to be a teacher when I Grow Up. I said, this is a sucky profession, it attracts mean nasty people, those who cant do teach hahahaha, and those who cant teach teach at my school hahaha. (and the corrolary of this really pretty offensive maxim is, those who DO, cant teach!)

so why bother trying to teach or learn anything. just sm0ke weed all day and jerk off, try to bang sluts.

in high school i had a better understanding and more respect for teachers or teaching. but i knew the teachers in my private skool made way less money than the rich, lazy, spoiled, entitled public skool teachers, who also didnt give any homework and made skool fun and easy for their students, and 16 yo old gurls were throwing themselves at you in these public schools.

but my teachers were men of principle! who would then be a bit autistic, weird, or mean. maybe they were just butthurt they couldnt get a sweet public skool job.

and of course now i understand that public skool teachers dont really do that well, and you either do SUB jobs till you’re 30 years old, or get a job in the absolute worst, blackest, ghettoest district, and those Plum Teacher Jobs are simply going extinct because, big surprise, they cost the schools too much money. fookin boomers hahahahaha. way to kill the golden goose. fookin joos hahahaha. like the scorpion and the frog.

anyway now i appreciate what teachers do. will stand up for teachers against the teacher-haters, which i used to be. while being even more certain that i would never want this thankless, super stressful job.

old school boomer working class HATE teachers because they only work 6 months out of the year, only work 6 hours a day hahahaha, and see it as the easiest job ever.

but basically when i was IN high school and especially grade school, i wish i had more respect for the teachers heheheheh.

still i dont think thats what screwed me up though. maybe it was just my general disrespect for authority. i didnt’ think anyone knew what they were talking about. i know just as well as they do. well no i sure as fook didnt! well what do THEY know, they’re just underpaid losers at this private skool who couldnt get a sweet public school job! their wife left them and their kids hate them!

also i was butthurt that i “had to” go to a private skool with no gurls. cuz i was absolutely OBSESSED with secs and gurls, even more than i am now. truth is, if i had gone to one of those fantasy public school paradises, i probably would have been bullied by the boys AND rejected by the girls, for being an omega male hehehehe.

then i went to college and the “teachers” here were wildly successful. they were professors at a famous university. of course they were respected, their wives didnt leave them. there were shitloads of beautiful 18-21 year old gurls. and i didnt know how to deal with them. i was frozen in fear and couldnt bring myself to talk to them.

yep 33 inch pants would be just perfect. this means i must continue to lose weight until 32 inch pants would be just perfect.

i guess Dr Phil would be a celebrity, well know, famous version of the type of profession i could see myself doing. helping people with their emotional, relship, family, behavior problems.

who are other famous shrinks? dr keith ablow I hear is pretty good. i hear Dr Laura is pretty good although a J.

i guess tel aviv is the party city of israhell. beaches and clubs and all that. 20 year old israeli gurls in tiny bathing suits. who have absolutely no respect for secs as the life creating act. just want to have fun fun fun. and i absolutely would never want to have babies with them hahahaha. shit yeah i would race mix with them. basically any light skinned 20 year old gurl i would race mix with.  would never make babies with.

maybe i want to be like roosh, traveling the world and banging 20 year old sluts. it really doesnt sound bad. i mean i wish more of these white sluts turned him down. all of them. i dont want white women to be sluts and ESPECIALLY not race mixing sluts going for swarthy persians.

i apologize to intuit tech support because i wrote a kinda nasty comment to them on their shitty tech support article where it appeared there was a bug in the program, then right after i read the shitty article and left the nasty comment that prob wont get read anyway, the program started working again. but i swear i was doing it right! what the hell was i doing wrong? it wasnt a complicated process, it was jsut trying to change the category of a transaction. from what it is defaulted to, to something of my choosing. important necessary feature sure.

well i never attack level 1, i basically attack level 2 and above. for letting shitty service continue. for treating customers like idiots. passing the buck and giving me the runaround. i want a level 2 person to tell me WHEN this is going to be fixed. if its a month or 6 months, FINE. just let me know that poeple who CAN fix it are AWARE of it and PLAN on fixing it. dont just give me a patronizing poorly written response telling me what ive ALREADY DONE. do you really think I’m THAT STUPID. again, I know this isnt the level1 person’s fault. really they should just do away with level 1 and make level2 the new level1. essentially meaning, give the level1s about 100 times more training so they dont always seem so damn inexperienced. but yeah thats a thankless job. even worse than teaching hahahaha. its like teaching something you dont even KNOW. forget knowing how to DO. its teaching shit youve never HEARD OF before.

there were people in uni who took about the same ballpark of MJ as i did, and they turned out fine, ie, 6 gorillion times more successful than me, wife, kids, etc. probably the alcohol did more damage than the MJ. but the MJ did do damage too. because i would rather sm0ke MJ than attack my schoolwork aggressively. i wasnt so much shirking muh skoolwork to DRINK. but i did binge drink a lot on occasion. i honestly do think i did more stupid destructive shit because of MJ though. yeah. actually the MJ i think did more damage than the alcohol. at THAT time. but AFTER uni, the alcohol def did more damage than the MJ. now i dont drink any more and I Romanticize MJ and put it on a pedastal like it was a perfect waifu.

even though its obviously NOT! it makes me paranoid and anxious and panicky and nervous and awkward and lazy and neurotic and jooish and weak!

ive never had a royal straight flush or a nonroyal straight flush but i have had quads quite a few times. is that normal?

got ghoul surf the kali yuga shirt in mail on dec 24. i did not “need” it by xmas and I would rather the poor USPS slaves not slave on xmas eve, xmas day, or saturdays, or sunday amazon deliveries. or midnight shifts at the PO. or split shifts. or PSEs or casuals. i would pay more in shipping for those things.

i should join heimbachs traditionalist workers party because by god am i SERIOUS about Workers Rights, but also by god am I SERIOUSLY against all the leftist marxist jooish revolutionary commie SHIT The Labor Movement supports. I mean they are the leftest of the left and that’s very disappointing. it should not be that way. and maybe A True Populist Movement can give a better way than that.  right wing, traditionalist, JQ Aware, Huhwhyte Huhwhorkers.

all time, i have given 155 dollars to alt right causes. this includes tshirts which should PROBABLY be split because the entire cost of the tshirt does not go to the alt right guy, not even half, it goes to the jooish tshirt company. well, at least the company that does TRS’s tshirts is not jooish at all, and I wrote them a note with my order complimenting them for this.

anyway the size L ghoul shirt fits fine. i was worried about moving down from an XL tshirt to an L. DONT BE. just dont gain the god damn weight back.

hmm bitcoin peaking at like 890 dollars. quickly gonna sell 20 usd worth. buy low, sell high. and it is high. peaked and starting to come down. ok sold 25 USD. makin monay hahahaha.

going into mint and categorizing and recategorizing a bunch of shit.

pretty good outlining of a political and MORAL platform hehehehe. dont know if heimbach is still involved here. welp there is nothing on the site for dnating.





dec 5

WOW JUST WOW. heres a FIRST in mother fooking almost a year and a half, in fookin 16.5 almost 17 months to be exact, the famous first is that i went to a JOB today and earned MONAY. That much feelsgoodman but I also feel impostor syndrome, like i am a dumb weirdo and these people are giving me a chance but i am too slow on the uptake, im not taking that chance, i’m not ATTACKING it, and they will be disappointed in me.

the job itself seems SUPER LOW STRESS and everybody was chill and happy. I mean i have really hit the jackpot there. i should give some money to GOD right now for that. AND I know this woman that works there, i used to work with her 3+ years ago, she is a good person, saw her today.

there is technically a lot of stuff to learn but i didnt feel the PRESSURE to learn all this crazy shit FAST and EXPLAIN it to frustrated people who are gonna GRILL you on it. so its safe to say this job will be a LOT EASIER and a LOT LOWER STRESS than my previous job. which is awesome.

the people are nice and available for questions. HOLY SHIT.

on one hand i just want to survive one day at a time.

on the other hand, i want to ATTACK IT and SHOW INITIATIVE and PROVE MYSELF and EARN RESPECT.

i dont want to be a TIMID MILQUETOAST.

Like so one guy with a masters degree is helping the other guy with the masters degree with the software and I am watching and learning, and Im like these are successful people who are Good At Adulting, who have got masters degrees and Reaped The Benefits by having Good Career Jobs.

and here i am, a huge loser who cant get a job for 16 months sitting there trying to look smart and ask smart questions and act normal like i am a normie adult, when i am super far from being a normie adult.

i guess the thing is to “FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT” and really i will have to do a lot less of that here.

just remind myself this is NORMAL the FIRST DAY OF A DAMN JOB.

its been a while since i had the FIRST DAY OF A NEW JOB. it has been fookin THREE YEARS since that. well, 2.95 years hahaha.

transitions can be stressful even if the job is not stressful.

be mindful. let the thoughts float away. the judgments about muh self. just try to be nice to the people.

i mean i am ALWAYS nice but i am also Timid and I don’t want that.

also i can’t do much because there is a lot that is tied to my email/login stuff, and apparently the IT dept has a Policy where they cant get my account set up until after I have started my first day.  not before!

well i gave them 30 minutes of unpaid time today just to tie up some meeting stuff, like talking to the boss, etc.

the people here are very chill about getting there on time hahaha. i forgot about that. this workplace, ive worked at it before, from about 2009 to about 2013, and there were many many things i liked about it. and i am seeing that much of that, like the chill setting and the nice people, might carry over. and here i will have even LESS direct customer contact. but muh customers will be a generally higher level. masters degree people hehehehe.

yeah but there are some people in the dept that DONT have a masters degree.

i decided not to bring donuts on the VERY FIRST DAY becuase that would look TRYHARD, like i am DESPERATE to be liked and accepted. i can bring donuts another day. prob my last day of this week which is thursday.

i asked them about coffee. people like to drink coffee. great i said. i have some folgers at home i can bring in for everyone to use. there is a mr coffee for folgers and also a keurig machine. a goddam keurig. i guess its not THAT fancy. i mean im open to having a cup of keurig once in a while but i am a folgers man every day.

i wore dark blue dress slacks and a decent fitting Poplin/Oxford Dress Shirt, white with blue stripes. I looked pretty good. I made a half joke about how I could wear a tie if you think that would be good.

Wore black skechers shoes which are NICE but they are also too BIG. I shouldnt have bought them but this was over 3 years ago I bought these shoes. I actually wore them when i was working at this place the first time. jeez.  so this time i would go to WALMART and get some nice black shoes for reasonable price.

i mean i just gotta RELAX and be MINDFUL and not FREAK OUT. i mean theres NO REASON to freak out. everyone is NICE, they are not pushing weird shit on me, all this is OBVIOUSLY in my own head.


military toughness mental training. how to stay cool in COMBAT. I should really look into this. just learned this word today hehehe.

i am thinking of making like 10 hamburgers patties at once on a cookie sheet in the OVEN. then put the burgers in the freezer. then i can eat a Hamburger for a snack while i am at muh job, if i am not so nervous and spazz that I cannot even think of eating.

i mean it is a mental thing now. everyone there is nice, its just my own INSECURITY and Inferiority Complex that I’m fighting against.

and here i’ve been reading a ton of job related shit while at home. well i kinda wanted to. again just becoming more familiar with the field in general. i suppose it would be better ot study the exact stuff in particular, the software, well i sort of did.

should try to see if i can sync a google drive folder on the job computer. might be restricted tho. but i can get to the google drives website. cuz they are sharing google documents with my gmail address, ie they intentionally use google docs to share stuff. i mean why not.

shit i forgot to ask the boss about his phd program. and his kids. and his previous jobs. 99% sure he is a democrat and might be a progressive activist one. he is big on education and worked in Inner City schools and certainly believes that poor blacks kids are every bit as capable and smart as privileged huhwhyte kids. and he has had a successful career, plenty of respect, and a wife and 3 kids to encourage his Weltanschauung hahahaha. he clearly is doing things right!

credit Salty Seaman with his parody of Kyke cernovich’s “gorilla mindset” with “chimpanzee weltanschauung” hehehehe.

fooking intellectuals just jerking each other off hahahaha.  see this is one reason i dont want a masters degree. or especially a phd. its all mental masturbation .

anyway the boss is a good guy. i just wish he were a Rightist instead of probably a Leftist.

Well I think HIS boss is more of a rightist than a leftist hahaha. he already has his phd hahaha. but from a less prestigious skool. one of those classic working career adult completes phd in their spare time much like a MBA or something. i mean thats a good accomplishment too. the guy is obviously a hard worker, very ambitious, persistent, tough, BATTLEMIND, all good qualities. this guy is VERY masculine and somewhat intimidates me. shit he was also my boss’s boss 3-4 years ago so yeah I sorta know him. he is everybodys boss.

ambitious people dont like unambitious people and vice versa, sez famous negroball coach nick saban. for me this is hauntingly true. ive never been ambitious although i could have been successful if i were, cuz i used to have a good brain. but never had the work ethic. so people that DO have a strong work ethic, i worry about them looking DOWN on me as a Lazy Bum who doesnt Wanna Work Hard. Theyre not wrong, but I dont think that makes me a horrible person hhahahahahaha. but this guy is very ambitious and i dont want him to look down on me, cuz i respect him and what he’s done. thats a big part of it too, you dont want people YOU respect to disrespect YOU. you think someone is a good role model, and they think you are a lazy bum.

well he doesnt think i am a lazy bum. i hear he thought pretty highly of me when i interviewed with him once for a FT job in 2014. i guess i actually can sound sort of smart in interviews. then once i get the job i sound like an idiot hahahahaha.

heh. this guy is worried that looking stuff up makes him look dumb to his coworkers, because he doesnt automatically know it. never mind asking them dumb questions!

thankfully the responses are largely no, what you are doing is smart and good.

dec 6

everyone at the job is nice and there is no pressure, but i am putting a ton of pressure on myself to be smart and impressive and funny and likeable and normie and charismatic and fun and smart and a team player and a value adder and asking smart questions not dumb questions.

everyone is also super accomplished, basically everyone i work with or talk to has a masterz degree or a phd but they dont have a big head about it either. now i want masters degree people to know i am every bit as smart as they are…..but i dont want to get a masters degree. they are ambitious and career oriented so they were very motived to get an advanced degree. i am not. but i cant say that here. like yeah im just as smart as you, i just didnt want to work as hard. but they arent such workaholics that they arent nice, or are weird. everybody is nice and has families and children. sometimes i want to say “you know i only make 11 dollars an hour and dont have a masters degree in this field right? i mean im not an idiot and my undergrad was better than your undergrad hahahahaha but then i went off the reservation and became a loser after that point.

but everyone is very understanding and theyre like yeah i know thats a lot of stuff to be thrown at you.

it KINDA is, but not any more than i had before, plus the important part is, i dont have to answer phones all day and fix things for users of this software and explain it, while having nothing but the Documentation to assist me in that chore, and experts were very unavailable. here, the experts are just chilling out and you are sitting in a room right next to them with the phone only ringing once an hour! its SUCH a different environment, 180, i mean its 14880000000000180 times BETTER and more POSITIVE!!!!!!

Just some person with a masters degree in tech, whos an expert in these tools, who can answer any question I or the users have, explain everything, who WELCOME feedback and complaints and feature requests, dont just bark im busy read the documentation. its INSANE. no WONDER these people have masters degrees and years of experience, to have such good chill career jobs.

Basically everyone is a damn instructor too. all these people are teaching college classes on the damn side. To the point where I have to laugh sheepishly and say, now i’ve never actually taught a class before, because all these people have taught classes! They are all teachers!!!!!!

so yeah. much more of the impostor sydrome than the dunning kruger effect hahahaha.

i have been studying quite a bit when i get home, was going a training module today on a major piece of software.

Used the coffee maker today and one of our clients said that is some good coffee, reminds me of the maxwell house we used to drink at home when i was young. I said thank you thats the first pot o coffee ive ever made here hahahaha today is my second day.

he was an afro-american man with an MBA, very intelligent and well dressed hahahahahaha.

if most of the Black Men you met were like THAT, you might very well not be a racist, but be a damn pro-black, anti-white, anti-racist!!!!! no he was all right, i had no beef with him, clearly a Talented Tenth and would be welcome in my white nation hahahaha.

only working 6 hours a day which is perfect…..then come home and do some studying, and now i should go for a powerwalk, and thinking of bed at 8pm, i mean only 2 days in, of only 6 hour shifts, and i am feeling a crunch on my time in other words.  but i guess thats to be expected. will take a LITTLE getting used to.  so dont get NERVOUS or FREAK OUT about it. just ACCEPT IT. RADICAL ACCEPTANCE. DBT.

yassssssssssss rich spencer live at texas a&m, the skypes did not shut him down, its happening RIGHT NOW and there seems to be an enthusiastic crowd.

also some great uppity shitlibs. this is a Good School and is gonna get PhD level shitlibs and marxists.

yeah well spencer got into a phd program at duke, hahahaha.

shit i gotta go back and listen to this whole thing just to hear all the college leftists in detail and how he responds to them in detail. i missed the first hour of this.

but there needs to be a lot more of this, directly engaging and debating college shitlibs, uhhh because im not good at it hahahaha and really want to listen to someone who is confident and good at it.

TRS goys and univ shitlib marxist BLM together in the audience. NOICE. I gotta read more about this event. and the stuff that went on before, after, outside, nearby.

ebonic talking black female talking about whites doing genocide, youre building this country on the backs of black slaves.

i mean yeah you are gonna find the BEST (ie the worst, slimiest, most twisted) shitlibs at big, reputable univs like TAM, so yeah, more of this. lots more of this. YEAH BUDDY.

i wanna hear him and our side debate and argue with the other side, i dont hear it enough.

faggy philosophy student talking his love of logic and logicians from aristotle to russel, this is exactly what i want to hear, what i want spencer to BTFO, and which i cant handle, cuz i have no patience for hardcore logic hahahaha.

oh shit college “conservative” wanting to tell spencer he stands with the left to condemn spencers hateful rhetoric, how brave bantz spencer. RS is doing really well at this IMHO, needs to do this EVERY DAY. against even MORE hostile crowds.

2000 people PROTESTING him

whites with a phd in genetics asking how you determine white identity. god damn i hope that white guy is jooish. sadly he is probably an antiwhite white i fooking luv science! type shitlib. thankfully spencer is giving it right back to them, calling them fat idiots.

i made muh first discord post to share this link i found in the 504um hahahahaha

time phagazine.

sheeeeit this is exciting. wish i could stay up late but i gotta get up early and act like a SMART PERSON. even with nice people in a slow environemtn, ideal people in an ideal setting, its still exhausting to put on the face and act like a smart capable normie for a paltry 6 hours!!!!!!!!!!!! i have NO IDEA how i survived at the other job. thank GOD this one is much better. mentally but not at all financially hahahaha.



oct 26

ok  done with interview for PT 15 an hour job. 1500 hours a year max. 24 to 32 hours depending on the department. 3 openings, 3 diff departments. one is def more customer oriented. hope they dont pick me for THAT one because i said i was good at dealing with difficult customers. yeeeesh.  yikes. oy vey. so just do a shitty job, quit, and never work for this org again hahahaha when it is DEF one of my Top Orgs To Work For. great benefits, close to home, unfireable, stable secure job, union.

talked to 3 people, including a handsome young man who i learned is about 3 or 4 years younger than me and he has a Controller position, because he Chose A Good Life with Hard Work, and has a BS in Accounting, an MBA with focus on Taxation, a CPA, so hence he’ll always have a GREAT job. why didnt I just Be Like Him. I joked that I did poorly on the accounting portion of the test, but that I was just rusty and I can brush up on my Accounting Fundamentals.

3 people in the room grilling me hahahahaha. no they were all nice enough. I got emails from all. i have def gotten better at that. just getting emails from EVERYONE in the room.

i need a full 20 ounce mug of strong coffee JUST TO GET OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING to be somewhere at 8:30 am hahahahaha.

meaning i pour the mug the night before, leave it on my table next to the bed, set alarm 15 to 20 minutes before i want to get up, then drink the coffee while laying in bed and watching weather and news, then pull self out of bed.

i would NOT want to still have to MAKE the coffee. I just want to REACH out of bed and GRAB a full mug of awesome room temperature coffee thats been sitting out all night. this truly does make it a lot easier to get up. i have been doing this for years. i dont regret it one bit. i RECOMMEND it to ANYBODY.

interview was at 9 am, i got there at like 8:15, i like getting their SUPER early and prepping in the car.

actual interview was less than 30 minutes. they didnt rush me PER SE, but i got the impression there were other people waiting. plus its a part time job hahahaha. i said As You Can Imagine, my ultimate goal is a FT job with this org, would this PT person have access to The Secret Internal FT Postings? yes yes they would.

anyway thats it for this week. did not get great sleep last night. i mean i can TOTALLY get used to getting up EARLY in the morning……but it HAS to be REGULAR. i need a ROUTINE. after a few days or a week of that, i will get used to going to bed earlier and getting up at 6am, 5am. shit i got up at 6 am today to get ready for being there at 9am.

so if i got this other job that starts at 8 am, id have to get up a FIVE am every day. well especially cuz that one is further away. a whopping 14 miles away. this place today is only 4 miles away. also i get up SUPER early, ive NEVER been a sleep in as late as possible and Rush To Work in the NIck of Time. downside is that eats up valuable sleeping time.

/r/relships. i cant stop reading it, its SO ridiculous. some of it is good, some of it is fooking awful.

it DOES NOT help that 80% of the shit is by women for women. i wish there was a relship sub for men by men. it makes a big difference. cuz women dont know what theyre talking about, ever. hahahahahaha. terrible judgment, terribly wrong. WRONG. hahahaha. WRONG.

heh. the other bad thing about getting up early is, you are now awake 16 hours a day and have to figure out how to eat only 1200 calories. you are Hungry More because you are too used to Sleeping through those hours when you are hungry. like its 11am and i am STARVING even though I had some Cereal around 7 am. 350 calories. shit. 390 calories cereal and milk.

degree in account, masters in taxation, cpa. this is fooking AWESOME. i hear the masters in tax is one of the better masters you can get. this guy formerly worked with a well known accounting firm for 5 years. kinda surprised he is working where he is now. youd think it would be beneath him.

now he did not go to a name school………but the school he went to is actually kinda well regarded for accounting. which is exactly what he did. why didnt i choose that life hahahahaha.

i just saw him and i was like WHOA this guys the CONTROLLER? hes a KID!!!!!!!!!!

I guess there is Financial Director who is one step above him though.

see the stupid women would say this si just fine, stop trying to control her, you jealous abuser.

not even seeing that essentially the male FWB rejected her because SHE wanted MORE, and now they’re still just friends and hang out and talk constantly.


that was a different one hehehe.

its not INTENTIONALLY nihilistic. i mean they think its about FUN and who knows this might turn out to be the one, but lets just have some spontaneous fun in the moment.

fun fun fun fun fun fun fun. all about fun. muh dick.

i mean yeah its HEDONISM not nihilism per se, but IMHO hedonism is pretty damn nihilistic at root. i mean women arent capable of understanding that, most men arent either. but all white men are capable. nto sure about white women. maybe some are capable. ive never met one hahahahaha. no thats patently false, i certainly have met decent, nonhedonistic women that werent all muh dick muh dick muh clit muh orgasms muh fun casual fwb secs.

jeff daniels looks like slavoj zizek in this movie hahahahahaha

i mean is zizek really THAT cool? probably not, folks, probably not. why the hell did i ever like him in the first place? because he spouted pseudointellectual crap. that at its core is JOOISH as hell: critical theory, frankfurt skool POISON. but he made getting a phd in philosophy seem really Sexy to a 21 year old.

SIXTY dollars to see nick cave? thats almost as bad as fifty dollars to see morrissey. but i like nick cave a lot better. but thank god i have already had the PRIVILEGE of seeing nick cave. not many people can say that hahahahaha. and it was an even more outstanding show than you would expect. i almost DONT want to see him again because that is a high standard to exceed. also i dont really like his new album. but i should see him just to see him right? but 60 bucks? damn.

imean if it were tom waits I totally would. or neil young, in a theater of this size, with crazy horse for SURE, and hopefully less than 60 bucks.

not many people on muh bucket list. maybe bob dylan but thats a big maybe.

well tom petty would be nice. yeah id go see him. but prob not for 60 bucks. or in a gay ass outdoor theater full of drunk trash.

who else. maybe some black metal. or metal in general. judas priest, iron maiden, never saw them, missed shows by both in the past year, too lazy. i mean i had the TIME!

yeah i would pay 80 bucks to see darkthrone hahaha. or varg vikernes. or muh buddy mikko.


i might have been ok with casual secs if i had ever had any sort of FWB thing work out. for example, women2004 and 2005, they just wanted casual dating ie secs ie casual FUN. I was like NO i want a serious rel so they dumped me because they didnt WANT a serious rel.  BUT I could have gotten a LOT of secs out of them if I had just said lets keep it casual. so in hindsight i wish i had done that, just so i could have had a lot of secs with some qt young gurls. instead i had secs like 2 times. better than nothing but still.

i mean theyre not horrible people for wanting what they want and rejecting me because i wasnt that. well, beyond the fact that what they wanted is………….pretty degenerate. but then again, some of my wants are pretty degen too, like wanting to smoke MJ, or being open to casual secs. (but not actively seeking it out.)

but i am so inexperienced with secs, that i automatically confuse secs with feelings.




young girls wanting casual sex, and old men wanting serious feelings secs.


that ultimately is the END OF DISCUSSION.

so yeah me and these women had Incompatible Values.

AND they made an EFFORT to give me Common Courtesy and Respect when they Dumped me! they made an effort not to add insult to injury! so i appreciate that now.


maybe i should become a Christian Counselor. there are tons of them. is it any easier than becoming a Non Religious Counselor? as far as degrees, licensing, etc.

i cant see it being any easier getting a license from the state, but i could be wrong.

if youre being charged with a heinous crime, WHY NOT perjure yourself rather than taking the 5th amendment hahahaha.  just watching law and order. i guess this show could inspire a young person to become a cop or a lawyer.

anyway i never stalked her. dont know why i have to PROVE this. i guess because the women of reddit would say that sending emails is STALKING.

yeah ok i DID send probably too many emails, but after a month of that, I was DONE. FINISHED. COMPLETELY.

I sent 4 emails in 1 month. 3 of them were pretty long. does that make me an evil stalker? no it just makes me sad and desperate and pathetic.

also if she had said stop sending me emails, i probably would have hahahahaha. or maybe just sent one more hahahaha.

the worst i did was crane my neck to try to look for her car in the parking lot of her workplace as i drove by the workplace which was ON the most direct route to my destination. and if i get that job then i wont go 2 miles out of my way just to NOT drive by that other place every day. i might even crane my neck again. but its not like im pulling into the parking lot and sitting there waiting for her!!!!! that WOULD be creepy!!! i dont WANT to be a creep! but also women think everything is creepy. plus i can totally understand why men do creepy things.

anyway. i guess i would like sluts more if i had more benefits from those sluts. but really womens Sexual Desire has led them away from boring old me. I am always at odds with Female Sexual Desire, Fighting it, trying to keep it from straying away from me, trying to hold on to it.

yeah i guess i am TRYING too hard. you should have to TRY this hard to “maintain somebodys interest” in you.

but yeah i am now done with my week o interviews and can start applying to jobs again hahahaha.

i mean TWO of these three jobs I would REALLY like. these are some strong jobs to get your hopes up for.

how have i never seen this dark haired woman cop on law and order. she is very attractive, would bang/10. but is she jooish? this is like early 2000s, she is partner with black male cop, hopefully doesnt mudshark with him, sam waterston is still the DA. i think this is just Straight Up Regular Law and Order, not SVU or any of that.

milena govich. obvious a yugo sort of name. potentially jooish. wiki says serbian (and scottish.) well yeah the NAME is SERBIAN, just like STEIN is GERMAN. thats not what Im ASKING hahahahahahahaha.

2006-7, det nina cassidy.

i just dont know. i think she is a goy but you never know with these sneaky J’s, ive been fooled before. i would casually bang her while waiting for the 23 and me results HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

YES I have a FILTER, I know what things you should and should not say around WOMEN. I wouldnt say ANYTHING I say on here around women.

but yeah i dont want to be a creep, or a niceguy, or an abuser, or the jealous type, or a controller, or any of that stuff. but maybe i AM ok with being a “woman hater” hahahaha i mean how can any woke man not be hahahaha.

maybe i like proving to them that i have good enough social skills so they cant slander me as creepy. i dont say or do inappropriate things, but my god do i judge the hell out of women when they are not around.

and i dont feel bad about judging women. i dont mind being called a Woman JUDGER!!!!!! i mean thats what i do, i judge women!!!!!!

but in the social world, I treat them with respect. EVEN IF THEY DONT DESERVE IT!!!!! i really wouldnt treat ANYONE with disrespect until after they treated ME with disrespect.

i mean everyone makes mistakes, even That Woman doesnt deserve to be hurt even though she hurt me, because she didnt have intent, and even if she DID, it would still be better karma for me to just Let It Go, and no i dont want her to get hurt really bad. i mean i would like her to learn a lesson. but she was just stupid and weak, i was stupid and weak, and ultimately i was the one who got hurt more, a lot more.

now i mean feel different about someone who did something MORE hostile and intentional, like cheating or accusing me of abuse or something. totally lying and betraying me.

i dont do sketchy or bad shit with women. i dont DO anything really immoral. the most immoral i get is have JUDGEY THOUGHTS. i dont have thoughts about hurting or abusing or mistreating women. I just have thoughts of jdugement and disgust and contempt. but i dont ACT on these thoughts! I try not to do ANY immoral actions! because MORALITY is VERY VERY IMPORTANT to me!!!!!!!

1200 CALORIE DIET!!!!!

i guarantee you. if you eat only 1200 calories a day, you WILL lose weight even without exercise.

you will also be hungry at all times.

well some say 1200 for women, 1800 for men. that 1200 is the absolutely healthy minimum for WOMEN, who need less calories than men anyway.

so maybe 1200 is not even Healthy For Me. well, moot point now that I blew right by it by 150 calories and also today is muh cheat day too and i will be eating again later!



incel neet virgin 26 year old brother is resentful of his 20 year old NORMIE brother who can get a GF hehehehe. reddit shames the incel neet as a creepy woman hater, anyone who “unironically uses the word NORMIE after high school” is one of these hahaha.

now i dont MIND being friends with women like this guy seems to……but im not sure having Women Friends makes you any more likely to make a woman want to Be With you in a secsy way. you just get the friendzone hahahahahahahahaha. you can relate to women as human beings to your hearts content….in the friendzone hahahaha.  but yeah i guess i’ll admit that when you have a woman friend, it DOES make them seem more human, less alien, more knowable. but it makes all the more THIRSTY for a gf too. because youre like well now i actually KNOW a woman, this isnt so bad! but now I REALLY REALLY REALLY want a GF! I had forgotten what its like to even be NEAR a woman and to have a woman show ANY INTEREST in me! it feels good and i want what the NORMIES have!

anyway i am not as bad as that guys brother. i can control myself around women at least and dont do anything really creepy. plus i had secs once 12 years ago with the help of alcohol hahahahahahaha.

the first time he saw a tit? hasnt he ever watched jooish porn? not that i recommend it.

does he have a JOB? is he EMPLOYED? surprised this was never mentioned by the commenters. probably not, hes prob a damn neet.

i mean just like having a gf or at least a fwb is the litmus test of a NORMIE, so is having an at least average job. making at least 13 bucks an hour.

well, we did have some incels making 15 an hour at my last job hahahaha.

reddit. a bunch of damn degenerate nonvirgins SHAMING the morally superior virgins and calling them creepy and disturbed and elliott rodger, just because they dont fook like a bunch of NEGROES hahahahahaha.

these “social nerds” are an interesting bunch, i knew a lot in university. they were “weird” and “anti establishment” and “non conformist” but they were FAR from social outcasts, and had a ton of friends, and GF’s, sex experience, Relship experience, all from a young age, and turned out being successful normies with wives and children hahahahahaha.




” He’ll never figure out how to get a girlfriend until he starts treating women like people rather than games that you have to win to get romance and sex. ”  hehehehe but……….its that accurate? except they are not as fun or easy as a game. its a frustrating sick game.

well not even. the “game”, as designed by god/nature, its not sick. its sensible, and technically fair. it’s not pretty though. and it REALLY sucks to be on the losing end. and it REALLY sucks when Women Deny Their Privilege.

i guess thats just like ME denying WHITE privilege and MALE privilege, huh????????????????????

so……..if i can acknowledge that privilege exists, specifically FEMALE privilege…………….

……….does it not follow that its POSSIBLE that OTHER kinds of privilege exist?

and that I might benefit from it?

but, like women, I spit in its face and deny it?

so i dislike women who do the same thing I am doing?

yeah but i believe women DO have certain advantages/privileges in the mating game. i mean SOME men have their own privileges here….but not most men.

also, my idea of Female Privilege in the Mating Game comes from a pretty Traditionalist, Reactionary, Alt Right, Rightist, NON MARXIST way of thinking.

Ideas about White Privilege and Male Privilege, that all comes from MARXIST BULLSHIT.

they are all saying what a horrifying, dark, awful place the incel sub is. i dont doubt that its DARK, and i dont want to link to it or even READ it because Im sure its very negative……..but dont say these are awful people. youd be this way too if you were a hugless virgin neet incel who CANT EVEN GET IN THE FRIENDZONE hahahahaha.

note: i never use the word friendzone seriously. its impossible for me to “get put in” the friendzone. i will just say, baby, i dont want to be just friends, lets take a time out here. or thats what i would say if they agreed to talk to me hahahaha.

im perfectly fine being friends with women IF I dont want anything more. AND IF THEY dont want anything more. not that ive ever experienced that. but god damn. i know women are HUMANS.

just like negros and joos and mudslims are humans too, hahahahahahahahahahaha.

no, white women rank above all of those, hahahahahahaha.

but yeah its just heartbreaking when a woman you like would rather hang out with CHEATERS, DRUG ADDICTS, DRUNKS, DEADBEATS, ABUSERS, and NEGROES, rather than hang out with YOU.

ive certainly linked this album before. a few posts ago. it def has its place. right now i am drawing attention to 3:34, “summer of the diabolical holocaust”. “natassja in eternal sleep” is such a strong, timeless opener, that i sometimes forget the next song is just as strong.

again, good headphones and ideally good speakers, played LOUD, for maximum effect, considering the ridiculous production. note the insane distorted bass sound and drum sound, esp the floor tom. ridiculous celtic frost riff in the middle here, with ridiculous “solo” on top of it.

the guitar tone kinda sucks on this album….kind of. but i wouldnt change it either!

and TED’s vokills are possibly his best ever. truly literally a man possessed here.

i would say turn it up LOUD and DEFINITELY smoke a huge MJ to this one, get nice and blazed. oh god. wish i could.

and then cuddle up with nice waifu while doing that.

well, for that, we would just listen to one song, while I Mansplained the significance of the music. listening to the whole album with a grill would be pretty weird. metal grills are huge immoral sluts anyway. degen nihilists hahaha.

hard to believe they were only like 21 when doing this album. to make an album that you just appreciate more and more as you get older. into your Mid Thirties.

I think i was familiar with this album when I was 21, or at least close to it. I liked it……but I didnt GET it as much as I do now.

like i certainly dont like other albums LIKE this.

anyway yeah great album for the Turning Of Seasons, like when its really becoming Fall/Autumn. definitely some magic in this album.

but yeah you DO need to listen to it LOUD. it Literally sounds better that way.

it is amazing how much Variation and Diversity there is in darkthrone. UAFM and TH are both super freezing cold black metal albums, but they sound fairly different. i guess a big thing is that the tempo and rhythm NEVER change on TH, and on other DT albums, they change in every song.

yeah theres a damn good reason DT is a such a NAME.


Yeah i agree he probably does need some help but i dont think its hopeless. these are exactly the type of guys i would want to help. with my unlicensed christian therapy group. we would go out and grab women by the pvssy and call them fat pigs, slobs, dogs, and disgusting animals. hahahahahahahahaha.

hey might as well listen to TH right after UAFM. now theres an experience you should be grateful for.

heh. I remember I bought TH on CD and that was one of muh first serious black metal albums. that, burzum debut, emperor “nightside eclipse”, burzum HLTO, DT panzerfaust. i picked some good ones for babbys first black metal albums eh? but i remember seeing phil anselmo in a pantera picture wearing a DT TH t shirt and i was like whoa that looks hardcore hahahaha what does that logo even say???

and then i bought the cd and mainly liked the first song and was like why isnt the rest of the album as good, i mean its a really simple formula.

but then it really grows on you hahahaha. and then it becomes one of your desert island best black metal albums of all time.

when i was a young angry virgin, i might have thought DT understood my hateful, sorrowful feels hahahaha. when really they were a bunch of HEDONISTIC, DEGEN NORMIE NONVIRGINS, smoking MJ and partying and getting with SLUTS. more like NORMIETHRONE amirite????

anyway, yeah i guess if all you listen to is TH, its easy to think DT is a fairly “ATMOSPHERIC” BM band, but they really arent hahaha. they are more of celtic frost beer chugging normies.

but yeah its timeless, beautiful stuff you will CHERISH the rest of your life. when i get married to my pure virgin white waifu, I will play nothing but BLACK METAL at the reception hahahaha. totally make it all about me and everyone else can suck my dick, im gonna play like 8 hours of straight black metal at my wedding hahahahaha.

no but i mean i have to play at least one black metal song. but what the hell would it be? i mean it would be burzum or darkthrone. maybe I should just play TWO black metal songs.  transilvanian hunger and jesus dod. hahaha.

well i was invited to a social thing tomorrow and i decided to Just Say Yes because this is EXACTLY the type of thing I should say YES to, so i did. its exactly because i dont go to things, that i dont get invited to things any more….so kinda want to break that pattern.

oct 27

ive always liked sitting down and writing about muh self and muh feels, total narcissist, but unfort i think this has helped CAUSE some of my issues, because i always take the wrong lesson, or get in too negative of an attitude. the women thing is the perfect example. writing here i sound like incel virgin maniac r9k elliot rodger, but i am not really like that in real life!!!! at worst i am socially anxious and shy, but never super creepy or weird! i am even nice and nonjudgmental to total trashy sluts, i just see them as people who have had hard, unlucky lives, had their good noble nature nurtured out of them, its not their faultttttttttttt. basically i will treat people well until they treat me badly. even if they are a dirty slut. until them being a dirty slut directly hurts ME, I will be nice to them.

(soundcloud giving errors, deleted link. google fenriz radio soundcloud.)

oh here is fenriz’s radio show, archive of many of them, actually doesnt sound horrible hahahahaha. i mean i am kinda jealous of his ability to enjoy new music at 45 years of age, my mind is pretty much closed to all that. i still want him to have a family. find a decent wife and have some kids. shit he can still listen to metal. he talks about listening to metal 16 hours a day or something. im not even AWAKE 16 hours a day! now a family man needs to be awake 23 hours a day working and providing and protecting and securing, but working fathers can still have interests and hobbies, he could still listen to his precious metal hahahahaha.

well i do like documentaries and here is one on peste noire. who i like because famine is a fairly right wing douchebag who hates foreigners. and i like a couple of his songs. and i want to determine how right wing and nationalist he really is. of course, i think he needs to stop drinking and living a degen lifestyle, be more like varg!!!

look at this handsome white man, in beautiful nature. this is what we SHOULD think of when we think of FRANCE…..not a jooified degenerate brown hellhole that france is turning into. famine does drink too much and should stop drinking and have children tho. although i thought it was hilarious that he made an obnoxious fart joke hahahaha. showing what he thinks of these media k1kes hahahaha. well really i dont know anything about the makers of this film.

i know weev gets lots of demand from the k1k3 media for interviews, but he straight up tells them, fook off and die k1k3, im not giving you an interview unless you pay me a lot of money, you can look up stuff ive said on the internet. PAY ME if you want to talk to me. and my rate is not cheap. im taking my pound of flesh back from you vampires. this is a great way to be. so i hope the people that made this doc were either not corrupt “skypes”, or they paid famine decent money to talk to them. i do believe famine, degen farting drinker he may be, but i think he still has artistic integrity hahahaha.



new vidya where varg talks about fenriz. he says a lot of good things about fenriz, that he is smart, funny, charming, easy to like, friendly. he says he is one of the smartest most intelligent people he met back in the day. and also that he is very honorable and ethical and tries to do the right thing and be an honorable man. but that his tragic flaw is that he drinks too much and this might compromise him.

now varg is talking about fenriz 25 years ago. but as a 20 year old man, whenever young varg met young fenriz, fenriz was always drinking beer and getting drunk. so i can totally relate with that. whenever I was socializing at around that age, i was drinking.

varg says fenriz is a good man but he hopes he has cut down on the drinking. i would agree because drinking too much is never good. and if you have ever seen videos of fenriz, he is often drinking in them. so yeah i hope he is not a Full Blown Alcoholic. i dont think he is because uhhhh he would have ruined his life by now. lost his job at the post office, stopped doing albums, in and out of rehab or jail, plus he looks fairly healthy.

so yeah i think hes got it under control but i cant help agree with varg that alcohol clouds your judgement.

i am kinda in between varg and fenriz then! i started out more fenrizy and am becoming more vargy. but yeah i always got the impression that fenriz was a decent True Blue Cobber sort of guy, and I  am glad to hear Varg saying so, as Varg seems to be the same way. Morality Matters.

I know fenriz was in a deep depression for a few years…..did he drink more during that time? how did he come out of it? how does he keep from going back? what kind of women and people does he hang out with? he seems pretty social. how much does he really drink? why did his marriage end? was that related to his depression?

these are the important questions to me hahahahaha.

but yeah i cant help but feel he is capable of even more, that he IS a truly smart and moral man, and it would be GREAT if he stepped up the same way varg has, get a nice white wife and have 6 white children, but he just hasn’t made that Leap into Political, Religious, and Metaphysical Thinking. And I know that Drinking can hold you back from doing that. So I cant help but want to have fenriz stop drinking for like a year, cold turkey, and see what changes happen. I think he is totally CAPABLE of doing this.

interesting that varg is making this video though. why not just contact fenriz and be like hey ole buddy lets hang out and get caught up.

but i dont think varg and fenriz were super besties either. but fenriz was probably the black metal guy varg liked the most. they definitely like each other hahaha. and it sounds like culto did not hang out much because he didnt like the people. varg didnt much like the people. fenriz is a good guy who got along with everyone.

so who WERE vargs friends? people not into black metal. what were these people like? whats vargs rel like with HIS father and his brother?

so many questions hahahaha.

anyway i think a varg fenriz meeting now would be very productive for them both. and i think varg could push fenriz to realize his full potential. this is the fanfic movie I would make hahahahaha.

like my fanfic sequel to the big lebowski that redeems the classic characters into nondegenerates hahaha.

or my fanfic sequel to king of the hill, 10+ years later, where bobby is like 30 years old in Current Year.


so i am tempted to post a comment on vargs video to encourage him to Reach Out to Fenriz.

thing is, Fenriz is totally in his Comfort Zone. he’s happy doing what he’s doing.

i dunno. i just like proselytizing Traditional Family Values to All White People. I see a good white man who i think would be a good father, and I think it’s a SHAME that he DOESNT Leave a Legacy. And I’m not talking about timeless music or even The Fame Of A Dead Man’s Deeds!

cattle may die, Kinsmen may die, sure, but just as fame of dead mens deeds don’t die, so do kinsmens kinsmens kinsmens kin dont die hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

varg with his 6000000 children could speak to this better than I could. but see i am sold on this way of life way more than i am on fenriz’s. and i mean that in the nicest possible way to fenriz. im not judging him as a Degen Nihilist Slut Negro Mentality.

hey maybe fenriz thinks he would be a bad father.

i mean shit i KNOW i would be a terrible father because i cant even take care of MYSELF. but i might have POTENTIAL to BECOME good father material, i think all white men do. and i think fenriz has enough money. i am SURE many of his colleagues at the post office have children! also i would totally support him doing one sell out show of darkthrone to make money for his family!

i mean nocturno CULTO has children for gods sakes. mr hateful culto who doesnt like anybody managed to get woma/en to birth two children for him.

now i do think that deadbeat fathers are like that simply because they had children when they WERENT READY. but i do believe that ALL white men are capable of becoming ready to be good fathers. that these deadbeat fathers could have one day been good fathers if they just KEPT IT IN THEIR PANTS and didnt bang sluts without a rubber when they were too young to handle a kid. typcal N behavior hahahaha.

like i WOULD LIKE to be a good father someday, but if i had a child right now with some white trash slut, i would run away like a coward. i cant take care of a child!

and this is totally understandable at 20…..much less understandable at 30.

a LOT is SUPPOSED to happen between 20 and 30. but for me it really DIDNT. because YOU are supposed to MAKE that stuff happen with a LOT of Hard Work, effort, energy, and agency! it doesnt just HAPPEN on its own!

i didnt realize that until i was 30 hahahaha. well ok, maybe 26 hahahaha. well, i always KNEW it but ran away from that responsibility by drinking until i was 26.  sheeeeeeeit kinda wish i had gotten Busted a few years earlier! 22, 23, that would have been great year to stop drinking hehee.

and yet I STILL want to do MJ!!! it clouds your mind in a diff way than alcohol…….but it definitely clouds your mind! impairs your judgment in all things!

bbbbbbut my mind is clouded ANYWAY with hate and despair and fear and worry and anxiety and bad negative attitude and feels and r9k and incel and foreveralone and entitlement and elliot rodger and the red pill and niceguytm and K all normies and all that hahaha. at least being clouded with MJ or alcohol is a step up in terms of being more pleasant and positive!

ayo hol up hol up. so ALCOHOL would be POSITIVE?

MJ would be POSITIVE but ALCOHOL isn’t?

everythings a damn slippery slope hahaha.

well honestly i have no or very little desire to drink alcohol, it just doesnt APPEAL to me.

MJ on the other hand, APPEALS to me like none other.

what would fenriz do? drink beer, PROBABLY smoke some MJ, listen to metal, and have fun.

what would varg do? drink non-alcoholic beer, work on his russian lada car, make videos with not-his-best ambient music in the background hahahahahaha and proudly parade his beautiful children and live out the 14 words. and judge degenerates as degenerate. i mean yeah thats really appealing too!

but he’s not a neet virgin see! he’s a PRINCIPLED MAN, an honorable strong alpha man, with nice wife and a HORDE of beautiful blond blue eyed aryan children!!!!!!! he gets to BE autistic and live in isolation……with his young wife and 6 kids!!!!!!!! BIG difference between that and a neet basement dweller virgin! varg has had secs 6 times hahahahahahaha.

well these men are entitled to their privacy. im actually shocked that varg has Opened Himself Up so much to the world. I’m happy, because he sets a GREAT example, but he’s compromising his own privacy in a way I thought he never would.

maybe i should attempt to get an interview with FENRIZ, because he supposedly does hundreds of interviews whenever they do a new album. so my interview with fenriz will include all those questions about his personal life: his ex wife the artist, his GF’s, his FWB’s, his normie friends, his job, his family, his drinking, what he thinks about MJ, why doesnt culto scream like he used to, why is there one classic song on their new album but the rest is kinda meh, why dont you want kids, here’s why you should have kids, here’s why you should should go and hang out with varg and his family for a week, heres why you should quit drinking for a year and just see what happens, here’s why you need to pass on your damn genes and not just your music. you are SO CLOSE. have a rea come to jesus talk with him.

you can still do your radio show. i might even start listening to your radio show. you can still listen to metal. wouldnt you like a family to share your metal with hahahahaha.

is it he cant find a good woman? i doubt that. or does he just prefer sluts because muh dick? well he needs to get out of that muh dick mindset!

whats better, to be a muh dick white negro, or a hateful neet incel elliott rodger KV who cant even pull SLUTS?????

its honestly worst to be the neet virgin! then youre WORSE THAN A NEGRO!!!!! ME!!!! Thats where I am right now!

the PRINCIPLED, MORAL white man is worse than a degen muh dick negro, “simply” because this particular principled moral white man is also a neet loser virgin!!!!!!!! that is muh trump card!

so when fenriz was 21 he was still working at the post office (prob full time) and would get off his shift, buy a case of beer, and come over and hang out at euronymous’s shop and drink the beer, according to varg. i mean not that thats not a credible story!

basically, fenriz was able to live the life of a 21 year old normie: FT job like an adult, but also partying, socializing, drinking, having friends, probably GF’s, AND being in a band and making tons of music. classic, timeless music that will never die. while also being Sorta Immature and Drinking a Little Too Much, like a 21 year old man in his Party Phase.

so yeah i cant relate to that AT ALL, because I have so little experience in successfully working a FT job or being a normie. when he drank he did it right, when i drank i did it wrong. basically these were NORMIES!!!!!!

that is a weird thought, that the kvlt black metal guys i like are just more damn NORMIES. NORMIES GONNA NORM.

i am triggering the shit out of leftist reddist phaggots, who hate the term normies, cuz only niceguy broken men entitled incel r9k neets use the word. shit yeah.

and VARG is essentially a normie because he was hanging out with GRILLS from a proper age.

fenriz got grills, varg got grills, shit even euronymous probably got slutty grills hahahahaha.

you know who didnt get grills? probably dead. well, maybe he got one grill, got his heart broke, then K’d himself hahahaha. [pure speculation]

i hear that dead was a truly weird, lonely soul, not of this world…….and also that he was  a real nice sweet sensitive guy. im sure it was closer to the latter.  and then of course you try to add the grim early 90s norwegian black metal SPIN to that, and he becomes a twisted, dark, cold, lonely, hateful soul, one with death hahahaha.

maybe fenriz should have helped him learn Game to Game those white sluts hahahaha. or he could have gotten euronymous’s sloppy seconds.

but thats the thing about neet virgins…..THEY (we) CANT EVEN PULL DIRTY SLOPPY SECONDS SLUTS!!!!!!!!!!

so that is really a confidence killer!!!!!! the worst, easiest women dont even want us for a roll in the hay!

i mean i dont really care about “the scene”……………….but I do really like burzum and darkthrone, who were huge figures in “the scene”, so there you go. plus they are all interesting PEOPLE with interesting STORIES. and to top it all off, they made actually interesting music. and they continue to be interesting people 25 years later…..even if their music is less interesting.

so yeah. varg fenriz reunion nao.

rej email from 17 an hour county clerical job. SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEIT. i mean 17 dollars, 34k, thats WITHIN REACH for me a lot more than a goddam 40k job. so a rejection from a 34k job actually stings MORE than a rej from a 40k job.

at least for a 24k job, i could convince myself that they rej me because I was “overqualified.”

not so much for a 34k job. thats right in that sweet spot. i mean my glassdoor market value is 35k! the FEDGOV technically COULD pay me 34k as well!

really, I shouldnt apply for jobs MORE than 34k, and I honestly try NOT to……….

but most jobs are far above or far below 34k!!!!!!!!

slow genocide of the Middle Class hahahaha. hollowing out of the middle. the 34k’ers.

i mean i just want to make the average wage of my state/region/area, which is AROUND 13 dollars an hour, 26k a year. anything more is a BLESSING.

also, why do companies do Massive Layoffs, when they could just do Massive Pay Cuts instead? then people could keep their jobs at least, and there will absolutely be unhappy people who will quit voluntary. more cost savings there goy.  so yeah i dont understand why companies will just cut jobs entirely when they COULD just cut wages.

or CANT they. because the numbers dont crunch out that way.  you dont save enough MONEY by just cutting WAGES, you HAVE to cut JOBS if you want to save enough MONEY.

hmm apparently you cant buy gift cards online at gift card granny where you can save 5% or more off the face value. not a bad deal. like get a 25 dollar gift card for 23 dollars. not bad if you are looking to buy some gift cards……which i am!

maybe fenriz doesnt WANT to have kids ok? maybe hes happy with his life just the way it is!!!!

i mean not everyone WANTS to have kids!

yeah but a lot of people DO.

and the white race is kind of at a precarious position right now. so that if you care about the white race AT ALL (and I most certainly DO!!!!) then its kinda your DUTY to have kids. ESPECIALLY if you are of means.

and if you are NOT of means?

then GET of means ASAP mother fooker, because we are having a RACE WAR!!!!!!!!!!

otto skorzeny did not move to the US and was not your GF’s grandfather bro! he moved to spain and or ireland and even worked with the mossad for a bit.

listen to this good goy. 6 million jooz murdered by the n4z15 in the h010c4u5t. sounds like a wacky conspiracy theory tinfoil hat guy hahahahaha.

travel channel show. that old man you met was NOT otto skorzeny. how could you believe he was.

so yeah doing fun social thing today, which is not something i usually do, which is a step in the right direction for me. just be nice and smile and say thank you. baby steps. dont even worry about keeping up with Witty Banter. to me its always like a competition, who can do the wittiest banter, but thats not REALLY what it is, its just people who enjoy doing witty banter with each other and it comes very easily and naturally. only for me is it such a challenging competition! they dont care that im not the wittiest!

for a brief window of time, when i was about 21 or 22, i was kinda a social drunk fenriz character. i hung out a lot, also drank a lot, and had some small measure of charisma or celebrity. a lot of it was a bad reputation as a drunken wildman who said ridiculous things. NOT the type of thing I want to be remembered for. yet it was interesting having some amount of “popularity”.  probably the closest i got to being a normie. was able to parlay it into casual flings with two casual gurls. then my 15 minutes of fame were OVER.  and IMHO I wasted it drinking and being ridiculous and I was largely misunderstood. i would rather be remembered as a Nice, Moral, Honorable Man, than some Salty Loose Cannon Drunk Crank.




so i am technically a millennial but i am an OLD millennial, i am near the cutoff, it gets into a gray area with generation X, i am not a Peak Millennial, and I do not identify with the always connected, every person is replaceable and has an expiration date, shallowness of human relationships, of many millennials. and am more Spiritual and less Career Oriented, and Less Progressive, and More Traditional.

I did not ALWAYS have a Cell Phone. I did not have a Cell Phone until 2006. I never had a Smart Phone.

I remember getting the first Family Computer in 1995. I used it to write of course. I want to say we got Dial Up Internet in like 1997 or 98. I enjoyed it, it was a game changer for sure. However I would not know what a Social Network was for another 8 years or so.

I signed up for Facebook in 2005 when you still needed an edu email address. I was recently grad from college, and never used facebook during actual college.

i think i technically used facebook BEFORE i used Myspace! the middle class kids who Went Away to College had Facebook, the more working class kids who didnt, used myspace. i was using both myspace and facebook simultaneously.

anyway thats about it. for example my female former friend was signif younger than me and is a much bigger millennial. so secs means nothing to her, its just somethign you do with any guy you’ve known for longer than 1 hour. except me hahahahaha. me im worse than a cheater or raper. hahahaha.

well i thought you couldnt cheat on women because they were always cheating on you first! or everything is always an open relationship with women, so they are always dating multiple people at all times!

no, once in a while a woman falls in love with a man, in the way that men fall in love with women, and women want the men to be committed to them, and HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A WOMAN SCORNED when that man cheats on the woman and breaks her heart.

i always found it hard to believe that men can break womens hearts, but it happens! it happened to my FFF from the sleazebag guy she short term dated for longer than i ever dated a woman hahahaha. she was in luv with him and wanted to be exclusive but he was a dirty cheater, broke her heart, and i think devastated her. i dunno. we never talked about it much. we were already on the outs. hehe. i bet she would have quit her job if she worked with HIM.

heh. anyone who uses the phrase “COOL AS A CUCUMBER” is probably all right with me. you can tell a lot about a person by the phrases they use. you can develop an instant connection with them hahahaha. or its a fake connection, a fantasy all in your mind.

this is why you gotta be constantly interrogating people to find our who they REALLY are, and how REAL your connection actually is. the person who says cool as a cucumber may actually be a sociopath that treats people like garbage.

well i have to convince myself that i did not DESERVE to be treated like garbage, and that that does not PROVE i am a sociopath abuser who would abuse all women, or who even abused HER at all. if anything she abused ME hahahaha.

then the next step is to accept she is just a decent person doing an bad thing not out of intent to hurt. but just because she is overwhelmed and just cant deal with that, so she shut down.

fook. it takes $15000 to take a 10 month HVAC training program. that is 4 hours a day of HVAC skool, 4 days a week. Fifteen Thousand Dollars. I mean maybe i would have gone as 5000 dollars. but 15000 is insane.

anyway if she did just Shut Down I wish she would Start Back Up and attempt to apologize for hurting me.

but yeah point is, whenever i hurt somebody, which is not a regular thing thank god, I don’t INTEND to hurt them. if i hurt her i never INTENDED to hurt her.

i would think most non sociopaths never INTEND to hurt people. they just go ahead and cheat because their body says yes yes yes in the moment. emotionally compromised. then they get carried away and hurt people without intending. are too selfish and opportunistic and get caught up in the moment and just do stuff without thinking about it.

maybe even sociopaths dont go OUT OF THEIR WAY to hurt people, but they just DONT CARE when they hurt people. that is still pretty damn bad.

she might even care that i’ve been hurt! but the onus has never been on her more to contact me. ive contacted her again and again and again. shit the ball has been in her court ever since the beginning of this conflict.

creative jobs are gay. its hard enough to be creative “naturally”, unrestrained, freeform, in the way of your choosing. but when its your JOB to be creative in the Limned Manner to fit somebody else’s Vision and Mission, to force yourself to be creative 9-10 hours a day in the way that THEY tell you, and to come up with a new Creative Idea every 20 to 30 minutes, and youre not coming up with enough creative ideas, or these creative ideas are not creative in the right way………..i would say take your creativity and stick it up your candy ass, i’m getting a non creative job.

like be creative about this, not about that.

but maybe its not like that. these career oriented people are Very Happy to be Creative in the Way their Employer tells them. well good for them.

so she is super immature and cant deal with relationships, and i am somehow more mature? because i want to communicate?  yet her shortest rel is longer than my longest rel? and her longest rel is super damn long? no i think she was more than willing to communicate in those situations. she wanted to communicate with those men, they just didnt want to communicate with her.

hahaha maybe shes just not mature enough to know how to handle when men want to communicate with her.

we never want to communicate with people who want to communicate with us hahahaha. stupid.

well its different with me because she never liked me, and she never wanted to like me, and wanted to avoid the reality of me liking her, just like i wanted to avoid the reality of her not liking me!!!!!

taking 1 benadryl once every 3 days, took one last night and went to bed early. good way to cope i guess.

i keep operating under the assumption that she read my heartfelt emails begging for communication. begging for respect and closure. but in reality, she prob never read them. but did she DELETE them? i dunno. will she read them LATER? now that you put it THAT way…….probably NOT!

it would have been a LOT better for my confidence, already not my strong suit, for to simply say, SORRY, ITS NOT YOU ITS ME. like every other gurl says. that encapsulates both an apology, some sort of definitive Statement of Communication, and the attempt to spare your ego and to let you down easy.

but now, i can either assume i am a total piece of shit who doesnt deserve respect, OR that she is immature and just cant deal with this situation.

well, scenario 2 is not far off. i KNOW she is Conflict Avoidant. and maybe if she were in luv with me, she would have made an effort to communicate, like she did with the other men. but she wasnt in luv with me. she connected with me BECAUSE i was not in luv with her. at that time at least.

i was NON THREATENING. as soon as i got feelings, she felt threatened and scared and ran away like a frightened animal.

she might be emotionally immature insofar as she cant communicate With Men Shes Not In Luv With, but she was savvy enough to pick up on my signals that Things Had Changed.

I am historically horrible with signals though. because the last woman was terrible at signals. she couldnt even do signals! but she could do direct clear communication though, so, that’s really honestly a lot better!

its weird that people can do signals, but not actual communication with words.

well, she CAN do communication with words, she just didnt WANT to.

or she was just too SCARED to, like the deer running away.

cant even drink COFFEE any more because it makes me poop too much. it does not have this effect on EVERYBODY. it affected me at my job, drinking coffee to try to sharpen my mind and make me sound smart and alert, and then running to bathroom for explosive but small poops every hour. it was fooking annoying!!!!! plus you get frowned upon for leaving your desk excessively.

i enjoy coffee though. i enjoy the taste, the caffeine, the smell, everything about it.

but i am trying more tea and less coffee now. i did some “research” and it is probably a compound in coffee, not caffeine, that i dont think is in tea.

if you want to hang out with a gurl but dont know what to do, invite her to coffee or tea. in england they drink TEA 90000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 times a day. I think this is a great tradition. they have TEA ready for their guests at any time of day, for any occaision, at work, at home, literally whenever two people are talking, its the perfect time for tea. there is nothing quite like that in the US. so give it a shot and if the bitch balks and thinks its creepy and weird, look her right in the eyes and smirk and say suck my dick, bitch, i think im due.

and then you just sit and drink coffee or tea and talk and get to know each other. smoke cigarettes maybe. i did this with my female former friend back in the day when we used to get along.

smoking a hookah is also a good alternative as well.

“hookah bars” are kinda sleazy and degenerate though, anything that encourages casual sex. avoid anything SEXY unless the gurl wants to have secs with you. just find an Unsexy place where Men Only would go to smoke hookahs and have important, Smart Man Talk.

“Cheating” the very WORD itself implies a one sidedness, deception, dishonesty.

i mean i would have casual sex with a gurl if i were horny, she were good looking, she was ready and willing. and i would say babe lets do this with other people too because i dont really have feelings for ya. that would be fine.

but when you get two people together who want different things out of each other, that’s where the pain starts. when you want to be monogamous and you want the other person to feel the same way………but they dont. here comes da boom hahahahaha.

just had enough stupid coffee type poop. god damn thats annoying. i could very well have Irritable Bowel Sydrome because Irritable is the perfect description of Muh Bowelz.

so, she needed me to be the drama feel male, the guy who didnt like her, then i was safe and non threatening. ok i can get that. and so when i changed, that totally changed me, despite all my unread claims that “im still the same person.” and IMHO, I AM. im still the same person, just with this one importantly changed component. but to her, i was a completely changed person. well, it does completely change the relationship i’ll grant. all the more reason to communicate abotu that change IMHO!

hehehe is there a PILL that can give you CONFIDENCE.

god damn just say its not you its me! how hard is that!

even I know thats the right way to communicate! Me, who has never had even a Medium Term Rel with a Woman!

I know the right way to communicate, i just havent had the CHANCE yet, by muh early Thirties. just keep failing before i get to that point. but its not for want of Knowing The Right Way To Communicate. Its for Want of the woman Like Liking me.

for want of a nail, the ship was lost, for want of a something, i’m thinking of that ridiculous tom waits song “misery is the river of the world.”

whats the worst thing i ever did to a woman? well, i was real upset about woman3 who rejected me in 2005 and i basically terrorized her whenever i saw her. i didnt REALLY stalk her, but i talked mad shit about her, calling her a filthy heartless two faced whore, spitting beer on her car, letting everybody know how much i hated her and how shitty she was, i was publicly heartbroken and hurt and basically BULLYING her and trying to turn everybody against her.

ultimately i was more hurt by my own stupid behavior. i had just graduated from college and should have been focused on my career.

i didnt want to communicate with her especially! i just wanted to either get back together with her, or never see her again! i was also butthurt that she had moved in right next door to me, so i wanted to punish her for that. that was a big deal.  i really cant see the person right after getting dumped. plus she was back with her x boifran and i hated seeing her going out with him and looking all happy, while i was fooking devastated.

and we sort of did communicate after that. one day we had kind of a heart to heart talk where she basically gave me the apology i was looking for, like i didnt realize how much it would hurt you for me to move next door to you.  i sort of appreciated that attempt at empathy.

but yeah i never stalked or got violent towards her. the most violent i would get is a damn tearful weepy conversation with her where i would cry “this is really hard for me to get over.” then i would bully her behind her back hahahaha.

so that is the worst thing i have ever done to a woman, is react less than gracefully when i was dumped and heartbroken.

never cheated, never lied. never strung someone along, never was dishonest for months, never was twofaced or living a double life.

also my drinking back then didnt help. that made me more shameful and pathetic and angry. in the end i was much worse to myself than i was to her however! she became a successful and respected Intellectual Academic PhD who probably got a tenure professor job at a Good University.

and i was a 900000000000 times smarter than her hahahahaha and cant even make 15DAH, cant get a 1 year monogamous rel. the most batshit crazy bipolar borderline women ive ever known, the worst communicators ever, the most emotionally immature, can get 1 year monog rels EASY.

guys are much less quick to dump gurls than women are to dump guys. OBVIOUSLY. but to all the college faggots out there, think about that one!

funny, i am talking to hypothetical people from my middle class college, real middle class progressive NYCfags i never would have associated with anyway! my actual friends from middle class college were much more down to earth.

and the people from my “upper working class” hood who went to “upper working class college” near that hood, i dont think they have such stupid progressive marxist ideas about Women and Diversity and just are not as Culturally Marxist. this university was not as Culturally Marxist in other words. and that is a very very good thing.

but i think the higher status the university, the more marxist its gonna be. weird uh?

the MORE bourgeois, the MORE marxist? bbbbbbbut i thought marxists HATE the bourgeois!

protip: the most hardcore marxist true believers……..ARE bourgeois. Marx himself came from a bourgeois background. i think hahahahahaha.

but yeah i wish i had stayed in my hood with My People and gone to a univ that was more filled with My People. The Marxist Diversity killed me hahahahaha. no all the middle class brainwashed twits killed me. people who did not respect human nature. people who say men and women are the same and that casual sex is empowering for women, as the Victim Class, to fight back against the Oppressor Class and Patriarchy that has oppressed them. so go out and fook as many guys as possible and so what if you break the hearts of some Sensitive Traditional Boy hahahahaha. oh well. small price to pay. tiny loss for the greater good.

i mean all the women were batshit crazy and promiscuous as fook. disgusting, this is not what women should be like. but they didnt know any better!

anyway college needs to be less of a degenerate middle class brainwashing. i had no idea how bad it would really be.

again that was my middle class high status college. the average normie college was probably much better in terms of not being horribly degenerate.


may 19

well no dreams last night about girl8 or any gurls, thank god. though i think girl8 might be my least fav gurl to have dreams about. or girl7. they are both bad, hehehe. how about you?

ok. gotta find a temp agency. normalfags would just look up a local temp office phone number, call them, ask them how 2 get a job, then come in if they had to. i however hate phone calls, so that makes me special hahahahahaha.

this is super ridiculous, because used to be on the phone 6 hours a day at least! like 6 hours of active phone calls! good god!

well today i see my shrink so i am kinda happy about that. sometimes i dance around the big issues. today i would like to address my laziness, also dreams about girls, also this road trip wedding thing. well especially the latter two. two “issues”, one hour, do it to it.

ok would like to check email in the next 18 minutes. then go to bathroom, then make more coffee, eat small breakfast, see about going for powerwalk, shower, shrink, pick up paxil from rx hehehe.

whew. checked email. nothing from the guy. that’s fine. now how did i overcome the fear? I DIDN’T really, I just clicked on email, had a 2 second panic attack as it checked for new email, and….that’s it. i just faced the fear, like going before the firing squad. praying to god that you won’t poop your pants or puke or cry.

would it be different if i actually got the email? nope, I would have opened it and read it AS FAST AS POSSIBLE. then let it sink in, maybe read it again when I was less nervous.

i remember when i used to get up and get ready for WORK, the nervousness would start the second i woke up, because i knew where i was going. then even just getting ready was kinda stressful, because you didn’t want to drink too much coffee because then you might pee or poop or puke or have to go to the bathroom too much at Work; and it’s good to eat a little breakfast but it takes about an hour to have any appetite after you wake up, however this does not fit the timeline; and you absolutely have to get some poop out before you go, but it takes a few minutes to get that going; and you don’t want to poop AFTER taking the shower, which is itself exhausting, hehehe. i used to try to do TWO poops, one earlier, and another right before i left, just to see if there was anything left to get out. all the while drinking tons of water to try to get anything out. but then of course that makes you have to pee too much once you get to work.

i guess theoretically you could get your pooping and showering done at night time. and then eat a small breakfast at your desk once you get to work, like a nutbar or an apple or something. i would usu try to have an apple, a banana, and a bag o nuts at my desk.

anyway. i should be smart enough to figure out a better way of getting ready in the morning. some people do their morning poop AT work, I am insanely jealous of them that they can sneak away for that long.

ACTUALLY if you get to your job super early, this might be doable. so if you normally get to your job 30 minutes early, now get there 45 minutes early and spend 15 minutes pooping.

of course if you do “squat pooping” then you won’t NEED 15 minutes!

because i would like to show up 30 minutes early, every day, just to be seen by people as a go-getter, to read the email, the news of the day, the many little updates, watch what my neighbor was doing, try to train and educate myself for god knows what would come up in my day. get coffee, do a last minute poop or cigarette if i had to, etc. 30 minutes early, every day. you should do this too.

NO I was not clocking in! so this was like 30 minutes of unpaid work a day. just to make a good impression.

well it wasn’t work work because i wasn’t taking ridic phone calls, which was what muh job was. taking phone calls. yikes. my dream job would not be 100% phone calls. i might even be able to take 60% phone calls, but 100% is RIDICULOUS. i can take phone calls pretty good!!!!! Just not more than 60% of my day! holy f00k!!!! i need a break from pure phone calls in muh job is what i’m saying!!!!!

and then ideally, would go to the planet Fatness right after work, walk on treadmill for 100 minutes, take a shower there, and then immediately go to bed to get muh 9 hours. no working on masterz degrees like a tryhard f4gg0t haha.

ok. i had girl8’s facebook page bookmarked so i went and deleted that bookmark. i dunno why i bookmarked it in the first place, because i had just figured out she might be girl8 and i didn’t want to forget? and now i just want to erase her from my memory. so OBVIOUSLY erasing the bookmark is a good start. good move me. how about you?


march 20

i cannot believe i used to get up and go to WORK for many hours every day. now after 3 weeks of layoff, I am back to zero energy, and can barely get up to watch tv or go for a powerwalk! and i am drinking more coffee than I did when I was working! and also staying up a little later.

anyway. who cares. i dont! just going to go with the flow. if i don’t have energy, then i don’t have energy. big deal.

had a weird dream last night where I was having a huge party with family and friends, and there was just a huge amount of people, way more people than there actually are in these groups. there was an “open orgy” side of the party, understood it was going to be relegated to one particular region, but it started seeping over and offending the squares. unfortunately I could not get any action out the orgy. the only people that were showing any interest in me were gay men. I was not interested. I left the orgy section and then I saw a girl I used to be in love with on the other side. Girl 4. I was happy she was not defiling herself like a wh0re on the orgy side. unfortunately she was in a really bitchy mood and did not want to hang out with me, much like in real life, hahahaha.

i went back to the orgy side and found some other girls a bit closer to it, but still not getting involved. i started getting flirtatious with one of the girls, a cute tiny little girl who I had a “mini crush” on many years ago, but who never became a full-blown numbered girl, but possibly could have if I had hung out with her more. but just as she started warming up to me she moved to career/grad school/law skool/some BS.

She was slow to get up and go to the orgy with me but I eventually convinced her. she was getting up and then she disappeared. DAMN.

The other big problem was that this was happening in my house, and people were leaving pools of j1zz and crotch juice and butt juice and sexjuice and sperm and smegma and stank and sweat ALL OVER the place, and it was impossible to find any privacy, or anyplace clean. this was making me seriously reconsider the idea of an Orgy as a Good Idea. It really kinda sucked, especially since I wasn’t getting any Hot Action out of the deal. It was disgusting, there was j1zz and crotch juice congealing everywhere and the girls weren’t washing the old j1zz out of their orifices; all the attractive girls had a huge waitlist; the only people interested in me were gay men; it was a filthy decadent mess which totally backfired on me. i would be much happier with one cute girl in a nonorgy setting.

so poker is a great metaphor for life, or maybe that is how i choose to view life since i am a Problem Gambler. but hear me out. poker (no limit holdem) is like life because: there is only ONE winner. and that sucks. I would rather win smaller pots and have them be more consistent. tortoise rather than the hare. but no. the way you win is big pots once in a while, and then waiting and waiting and waiting for your moment to strike. and trying not to go ON TILT. The odds are against you from the beginning. you have to beat out 5 or 8 other people to get that pot, or else you get NOTHING.

and as time wears on you keep paying blinds.

now if you’re in a TOURNAMENT, heck the BLINDS alone can kill you because they keep going up and up and up. and even fewer people win, because the idea is to get everyone down to ZERO, then you only pay out the top 4 people or so.  I do not like tournaments.

so i would prefer to engineer a way to win smaller pots, but more regularly. i hate having to risk so much. lately i’ve been kinda lucky, winning those big pots, but before that i had a huge cold streak and was killed over and over again even with Great Pocket Cards…..but did i lose because i didn’t play aggressively enough, make large enough of a bet preflop? but to win big pots, you have to get ANOTHER person to bet aggressively, plus it’s not like you’re not seeing the river anyway, ie, have chances to bet/raise.  dunno, just dunno, and when i read articles they go right over my head. really cant wait for “poker for dummies” arriving soon!

heh. this is what happens when you kill your brain cells when your brain is still developing. then you wake up one day later in life and discover you have a Learning Disability. Stuff you would have easily learned in High School, makes no sense to you now. You Get Dumber. Damn.

but Dummies books can teach you, after you’ve become dumber.

or prime of youth qt’s sitting on your face every time you learn a fact correctly. positive reinforcement.

sun march 23

i happened upon some THORAZINE the other day. was watching episodes of “addicted” which is like “intervention”, we started talking about Rx Drug Abuse, I made a joke like, wouldn’t happen to have any Xanax Wouldja, host said lets take a look, and produced some Thorazine and Flexeral. Hmm, I said. I ended up taking 1 Thorazine, which I know is for Psychotic Schizophrenics In Institutions. Did not really DO much. Immediately after I got real Hyper and Excited and Euphoric and Talkative, prob because I get a Rush out of doing Illicit Drugs. And indeed I slept soundly, as promised, although I usu sleep pretty soundly.

and was kinda tired and lethargic the next day, much like taking nyquil. in fact, it was not all that diff from nyquil at all.

but it was fun just for that “placebo effect” and capped off a good grateful night of Socializing. I do NOT recommend taking a lot of thorazine every single day.


mon 8 12 13, 947am. well back on the morning schedule. get up at 5 am, get in at 7 am, this always takes some getting used to. took muh medz in the morn. tried to drink more water than coffee. bretty tired atm and looking forward to nap, hahaha. really slept quite poor last night, watching muh breaking bad, tossing and turning, worrying and thinking. YEP would have PREFERRED not to see that girl, or at least not heard all that news of her Raging Success in Life, Work, Skool, etc. That SUCKED. Bigtime.

Handled the actual event pretty well, but afterwards, god almighty, it has been worse than expected. much, much worse. will easily take a full week to bounce back, if not longer. i hope and pray I never have to see her again. absolutely harrowing. heh. like cancer coming back.

tuesday. little better, day by day. 5 am is tricky. ideally go to bed at 8 pm.

wednes. little better. way more than 1% better per day. Maybe 5%, hahaha. not bad. watch spongebob one hour per day.

use a firefox plugin called LEECHBLOCK to block/lockdown wordpress, twitter,, 4chan. finally got me working on muh project. hit hard by learning curve on project. very frustrating, leads to procrastinating. try not to.

friendzone is like CANCER. When you have True Love, it REALLY IS TRUE LUV. Just Say NO to frienzone. AND, when the true luv is rejected/doesn’t work, you have to treat it as the PERSON DYING and have the associated expected PERIOD OF MOURNING. Someone has DIED, so you MOURN. They are GONE and can NEVER come back. Your Love has DIED and you must NEVER see them again. Otherwise you’re in the Soul Cancer of the Friendzone. You gotta expect a few Hard Months of MOURNING A DEATH, in other words. NOT easy. VERY hard to focus on your daily work.

* Mix Up your resume Maybe, if the current one’s not working. Have a Greatest Hits of Bullet Points, with the Most impressive at the top, then in descending order, even if it’s not chronological per se. Like if you most impressive achievement was 10 years ago and then you sh4t the bed and it was all downhill after college, hahahahahaha.

* If your shy-but-Nice Coworker came up to you and asked you to please think about writing a Letter of Reference for them, I bet you would be FLATTERED and would be VERY HAPPY to do it for them! And you’d say, well, I don’t do this all the time, so I’ll just write something short and sweet and FEEL FREE to edit the wording a little bit, but you’re GOD DAM RIGHT I would be THRILLED to write a letter for you!

Well that’s the attitude you need to assume of OTHERS writing the letter for YOU, that THEY would be GOD DAMN THRILLED to write YOU a letter.

You imagine people are going to treat you so harsh – but when have YOU ever treated someone ELSE that harsh? Hardly ever! How would YOU react if someone were asking YOU to do something for THEM? You’d be HAPPY to help! So start imagining other people as HAPPY to help YOU, because this is closer to the truth than them brutally shutting you down! (Unless it’s a Grill you’re in True Love with, hahahaha. But that’s different. Here we’re talking about Professional, Education, Career, Work, Job sort of stuff, NOT True Love.)

Homework: Imagine your Coworker, who has basically the same job as you, has jsut asked you to write a letter for them, because they’re trying to move up in the world to an Upper Working Class Entry Level Full Time $9 an hour job. Write the short and sweet letter. And when it’s done, finally realize that you’ve basically written that letter for yourself.

Then give that letter to someone YOU want to write a letter for you, and be like, see, I’ve already started it off for you. Write something like that about me in your own words. Then put it in your Permanent Folder.

* If you have to get up early and so you naturally, understandably drink a Large Coffee early in the morning, then WAIT AT LEAST TWO HOURS before starting your next coffee, or else you will get jittery and nervous and angry AND feel like you have to diarrhea your pants the whole time. Wait THREE hours. You already HAD a good dose of caffeine. The reason you’re still Tired is because you got up ungodly early for WORK and probably didn’t get enough SLEEP and you NEED a LOT of sleep normally. Drink WATER instead. And I hope you are still Chugging a Huge glass of water the INSTANT you wake up in the morning. That helps too.

* For some reason, and it doesn’t make much sense, Negative Things can be much more powerful than positive things. We can MAGNIFY the negative things, even though we have by all accounts a GREAT LIFE, but one little thing wrong can ruin our lives. I call this the Anti-Resilience Gene. You’d think that To Survive, we would be the opposite way, have negative stuff roll off like water off a duck’s back, and magnify the positive. What Evolutionary Adaptive Value, in other words, does Magnifying every little negative thing have?

I don’t know. It don’t make no sense. And each person is different. Some Normalfags and Neverdepresseds CAN have negative stuff roll off. But not you or me! So the Life Lesson here, is to go out of your way to avoid negative things, heh heh. Well, more specifically, avoid Negative Movies, Music, Entertainment, Media, News, and People. Block it all out and just watch Spongebob. Don’t read about people dying alone in gutters, unemployable virgin losers; just watch spongebob.

I’m talking about NEGATIVE INFLUENCES. If something starts becoming a negative influence, like watching the Horrible News, or a Woman Who Rejects You, then REMOVE THE NEGATIVE INFLUENCE from your life. People, Places, and Things, hahahaha.

So what if Necessary, Mandatory Responsibilities like SKOOL and WERK and “CAREER” become Negative Influences?

If it’s SKOOL, that’s easy. Take A Break From Skool, because it’s not really Mandatory like WERK.

At work, just put on your smiley face and make everyone like you by buying them Pizza and Snacks semiregularly and kissing 4ss and being Nice and Friendly to everyone. Being Nice and Friendly isn’t a BAD thing anyhow!


Grateful Dead, “Cold Rain and Snow”, 1972.

Been listening to a similar 1972 CR&S, ie, it opens right up with equal parts force and chillness. Jumps right into that head nodding beat, while being altogether slower and…chiller than earlier, faster versions of the song.  Enables you to start your day LIKE A BOSS. Vocal harmonies are laughably cringeworthy as is often the case, but THE DEAD always gets an A for effort in that department.  Great song to get you started, going to WORK sort of song.

So “Successful” people WORK for AT LEAST 40 hours a week, and that’s the BARE MINIMUM, but you can still be a LOSER if you work ONLY 40 hours a week and then go to the BAR or hang out with your BUDDIES like a LOSER. NO, after you work your mandatory 40 hours, you HAVE to SHOW “AMBITION” by spending all your free time on SKOOL or MOAR WERK to ADVANCE YOUR CAREER, or else your Wife or Gurlfran will nag you, cheat on you, leave you, get real nasty. Heh heh heh. So 40 hours a week isn’t enough, you have to be a WORKAHOLIC.

Of course I reject this whole attitude! But do I have a better one?

Yeah it’s called just trying to get through one day at a time and to do your own bare minimum, even if that is less than 12 hours of work per day.  Even if you can “barely manage” 8, and then you feel all guilty and lazy about that. WHATEVER. Not like you got a NAG NAGGING you at home. Or at least I hope you don’t.

Again, my big magic bullet for being more productive sometimes, and at LEAST LOOKING a lot more productive, is to do my Homework Outside of the Home, so then it looks like you’re not just sitting in bed watching TV all day, hahahaha. Do your Homework at the Library, College, Office, or Cafe. And you WILL be noticeably more productive too, I guarantee it.

Baby Steps!

For example, one of my Pet Peeves about Part-Time Underemployment (other than the OBVIOUS) is that they very often, if not always, schedule you for less-than-8-hour-shifts. Like a 4 or 5 hour shift. For me it is REAL challenging to Switch Horses In Midstream – to go from Work to doing the Mandatory Minimum 4 hours of something Else Productive after that time. Especially if that something else is Homework or Unpaid Work. 8 hours of Paid work is obviously the Ideal. The Endgame. The Destination Career, hahaha.

It’s brilliant on the part of The Employing Plutocrats, hahaha. You’ll notice more and more jobs are Part Time now. Because I guess it costs less to have 2 part time people than 1 full time person, unless you have an Elite Job like Doctor, Lawyer, or STEMgineer, or Middle Middle Class Masters Degree Job. (and THAT your Wife can’t nag you too much about!)

So uh I guess my solution there is, do the best you can, don’t kill yourself, try to have a couple days a week where you go to the Cafe for 2 or 3 hours and Be Productive immediately before or after underwork, and don’t compare yourself to The Successful People Your Age. Goddam Normalfag Neverdepressed Successfuls, hahahaha.

And be GRATEFUL you don’t have a NAG Wife! That Grill you were in True Love with and wanted to Marry? She would been a NAG Wife, NAGGING you that you’re not AMBITIOUS or SUCCESSFUL enough, and you don’t need that. NOBODY needs that.

how ya like all those TAGS today, hahaha.

A “Great” Negative thought I had recently was: “It’s easier to BEAT CANCER than It is to Become Successful In Life, to become a Winner.”

“How true is that? And so what if it’s true?”

“This comparison is not doing anyone any favors. Talk about Apples and Oranges. That ridiculous comparison is DESIGNED to put Yourself in a Bad Mood!”

So just be grateful for your Family, Thank God You have a Good Family, thank god you DON’T have cancer, thank god you’re not blind or deaf or deformed. And if you DO have a Bad Family or are blind or deformed……then you have my sympathy because you have one HELL of an uphill battle. DEFINITELY find the cheapest shrink you can, go regularly, and take the cheapest Resilience Meds you can. Unless you are Successful enough to have a good enough job to pay for more than the cheapest shrink and the cheapest meds.