sept 22

yeah there is def a mental emotional change when you have been a jobless neet for over a YEAR. you see a nice 12 dollar job and think wow maybe i could do this, and then you automatically get discouraged, like they will see this neetgap and say into the trash this neet goes.

so i am increasingly thinking a part time thing will be MANDATORY for me to regain my “training wheels” and gradually shed muh neetism. and then i have a MUCH better chance at getting those sweet bigboy 12 dollar jobs. and finding a nice fat white trash mudshark waifue hahahahaha. bbbbbb SHE makes 15 an hour! she is 3 full levels above me!

oh well i am done with her and i will be alone the rest of muh life, never find as good of a woman, big deal, who cares, i can get a 11 dollar part time job, be a part time bum and dnate money to 1488 orgs who support white children and white families that i will never have hahahahaha.

fook it who cares. smoke MJ erryday and dnate 20 bucks a year to white orgs hahaha really making a difference.

yeah well at least im not FAT!!!!!!!!!

should prob start LIFTING hahahaha.

11 Unusual Ways to Stand Out in a Job Interview


#interview #interviewadvice #interviewattire #interviewetiquette #officebehavior via @Glassdoor

send a handwritten thank you note on fancy card stock? jeebus. fook this bitch. ARE YOU KIDDING ME. maybe thats why ive been rejected at 18 interviews. cuz all their other people sent handwritten thank yous on card stock. no ya dumb broad its because i have a 14 month gap. a 14.88 month gap hahahahahahahahaha hail victory, hail the fuhreri, gtkrwn


top 20% post here tbh fam, hall of fame. rising above the rising tide of mediocrity hahaha. up from neetness’s best. go back and reread this on fo sho hehehehe.

repost this one. hehehe. top 10% even. LOL

yeah i bought that millennial woes t shirt hahahaha. no more t shirts for a while hahahaha.

i liked that that woman was more used to REJECTION than normie women. rejected by her longterm bf, rejected by her short term bf, rejected for jobs that other people got. she would not get hired just for being a pretty young gurl, prob because she came across as dumb and dull, but i didnt think that outweighed being a pretty young gurl! but for her it did. so she would have to go to 2 or 3 interviews at diff places before one said yes. rather than getting an offer for her very first place. but she would still find something relatively soon. didnt have to send out 550 applications and do 19 interviews. and i am much sharper and present much better than her! well, except that i get nervous and spergy. and i have a huge gap. which outweighs me being a fairly decent interviewer, apparently.

yeah well im smarter than HER. im better than HER hahahaha. i deserve to make 15 an hour and she only deserves to make 13 an hour hahahaha. because i am WAY BETTER than her hahahaha.

no i dont really believe that, thats just my shitty defense mechanism against her making me feel so weak and worthless and inferior and thrown away hahaha.

who cares. only me, no one else. she for DAMN sure doesnt care anymore.

but yeah even me being on a 3 week stretch of No Interviews has definitely weakened muh confidence. sheeeeeeeit.

basically, if you dont do a job/work in a long time, you start to feel INCAPABLE of doing a job, that you dont have what it TAKES to do a job.

if you havent had secs in 10 years, you begin to feel you dont have WHAT IT TAKES to have secs with women. or you have permanently LOST what it takes.

i dont care too much about secs, but i DO care about Having What It Takes to Get Secs, when its Game Time and I find a mother of my children material of woman!!!!!

When you havent had a Trad Monog LTR with a woman ever, you begin to feel like you are missing What It Takes to have a Trad Monog LTR with a woman!

Feels Bad Man!

hehe he will probably get TORN APART for “wanting to make it a little painful for her” oh you evil evil evil horrible person!

actually a fairly decent good thread, would recommend

the idea that the outside world finds you worthless. the real world. The Market finds you worthless and unemployable. Women find you worthless and uncommit-to-able. this stream of negative thoughts is what causes despair and it must be stopped. and not with recreational drugs. but what about MJ? hehehehe.

sheeeeit. wife cant hide her CHEATING because the guy DIED and she was devastated by it, and this is how her hubby finds out. cheatin bitches, nothing sacred hehehe.

i bet all the people telling him not to get a paternity test are WOMEN. hahahaha. women WOULD say some bullshit like that.

i accept that you can luv kids who are not biologically yours…….but i claim that you need to know. because you deserve to know if YOUR legacy is continuing. you are entitled to WANT biological children of your own.

tried to listen to evoken “antithesis of light” and, just like the last time i tried listening to it, i was like, this is ok, its doomy and slow and dark and  i like the drums and this guy really does have good craig pillard esque lowass growling vocals which i really like (interestingly enough pillard actually joined the band for one album but he never did his classic lowass growls tho! just played bass. also i like craig pillard because he is an outspoken pro-white. or at least he used to be and i hope he still is!)

and the drums sounded good but god damn the songs did not hit me the same way as the songs on their previous albums. the riffcraft was not as compelling. a few cool riffs and a lot of that disembowelmentesque clean ethereal guitar over heavy slow riffs, i like that, but…….i dunno the songs just dont seem as good as on the albums before it, and this is the same impression i got of this album every time i tried listening to it, and then i stopped following evoken and they have 2 albums AFTER this!!!!!! but i want to give them more chances, i really do, they are good bois, they dindu nuffin.

you know that feel when somebody asks you a question or gives you a problem that is WAY ABOVE YOUR PAY GRADE? well now imagine that its STILL your job to fix the problem, and the people whos pay grade it IS, are gonna fight you and your client tooth and nail to PROVE that its really above your pay grade. just believe me when i say i can’t do this!!!!

but then again i tend to underestimate myself and think i am incapable of a LOT!

ok we need no explanation or qualification of how mgla is a great band, but KSM needs a little more luv. Also this album sounds a lot different than KSM’s “enemy of man” and is very blasting, raw, fast, savage, does not really sound like mgla at all, whereas i guess “enemy of man” sound more mglalike. plus this is just a great drummer and it is nice just to listen to him play. and to GOMAD like he does here. i am not sure its the same singer though.

heh. i was in ARBYS getting sum ROASTIES and there was the cutest 18 year old gurl in the world working there. snow white skin, super light blond hair, i mean she was super blond. and just ridiculously, insanely cute, like real aryan tradwives in wheatfields tier, i cant believe such a gurl EXISTS at the ARBYS 1 mile away from my home!

i mean she was YOUNG though, 18 at the OLDEST. I mean I had to take a step back and pick my jaw off the ground. I was BOWLED OVER. IMPRESSED. turned into total mush at this sight of this TEEN GURL. an 18 year old gurl reducing a 35 year old man to Jelly heehehehehe.

No I am not 35 but I use that as an approximation of my age, I am close enough to 35.

” I personally hold strongly that part of the goal of a marriage is to be one another’s moral partners ” says glassisnotglass on

i thought that was a very interesting thing of them to say, and I probably agree.

heh. HOW COME it takes till age 25 for women to “figure out what they want???” It doesnt take MEN till age 25. it didnt take me. this is setting the bar very low and encouraging bad behavior from women.

some stupid reddit thing about a 23 year old woman acting like a 12 year old, and tons of people are saying, well what do you expect, shes onyl 23. NO EXCUSE. YOU SHOULDNT BE THAT IMMATURE AT AGE 23. YOU SHOULD BE MARRIED WITH 2 CHILDREN AT LEAST.

signed into my old twitter for the first time in 3 years and see real life people i used to know literally saying antiwhite shit. like these crazy WHITE PEOPLE. UGH. OLD WHITE PEOPLE. Trump supporters. UGH. these WHITE people are SO UGH. YOURE WHITE YA MORON!!!!!!! these WHITE people calling other white people WHITE as a pejorative. like UGH. so DUMB and RACIST and WORKING CLASS and UNEDUCATED and AFRAID and INSECURE. WHITE PEOPLE SUCK.

these are real people. who were close friends with people i was close friends with. who get a masters degree and a decent middle class job. this is the type of shit they say to sound funny or smart.

even this other guy who trolls feminists and would be a good MGTOW candidate, white people are still UGH to him. even though he could potentially be red pilled on women.

but if youre 31 years old and not red pilled on WOMEN yet, you will never be red pilled on ANYTHING.

people really close to my age are so blue pilled and lame and antiwhite hahaha. the YOUNGER kids, there is actual potential there. people my age are the lamest, antiwhitest, SHITLIBS you could imagine.

the world is not overly white!!!!!! ever heard of africa, asia, middle east, south america? whites are already a MINORITY in the WORLD!!!!!!

or OH GOD I HAVE 1 out of 1000 FB friends is a TRUMP SUPPORTER!!!!!!! it prob wasnt a very close friend either. these people are less tolerant than ME, the 1488 GTKRWN White Supremacist!!!!!

“joking” about being able to spot trump supporters just by looking at a room of random people. they are probably white and fat. like you hahahahahahaha. but dont make stupid antiwhite jokes on twitter.

he has a kid and luvs being a dad and is puzzled that people under 25 are so antinatalist because having a kid is really awesome! which would be awesome if……..his kid were white. yep. white guy with a mixed baby who makes antiwhite jokes all the time and its more than just jokes, he is a true believer in diversity, and that whites have done enough harm. its time to take your final lap whites and get ready to retire. we’ve have enough of whites.

this is literally how these WHITE PEOPLE think. they admit that whites are evil, whites are bad, don’t lump ME in with white people, i might be white but I admit white people have done more harm than good, and THATS WHY diversity is good, because it DECREASES THE NUMBER OF WHITE PEOPLE. WHITES ARE BAD, SO ITS GOOD TO HAVE LESS WHITES. get rid of the whites, theyve DONE ENOUGH DAMAGE. good god.

uhhh way to assume all working class shop rats in a particular large industry dislike  barry. pretty sure they would vote for barry or hillary because they are lazy union scumdogs that are 50% nonwhite. but in the white antiwhites mind, all working class people are White Trump Supporting Racists. uhhh youre forgetting about all the NONWHITE working class people ya moron.  you think theyre voting for trump?

this is honestly a nice good decent guy so I can’t Curse him too much, but my god. his ideology makes me more sick than myideology would make him sick.  and he lives muh dream of having a good job and having a wife and being a father. i dont even doubt his nonwhite wife is a good person but i still wish he married a white woman and had a white baby and wasnt so god damn disgusting antiwhite! youre WHITE! just accept it! embrace it! learn to love your whiteness!

laugh at the jimmy buffet listening white people getting cray to their white people music! YOU ARE WHITE!!!!

its like they FORGET THAT THEY ARE WHITE, talking about white people LIKE YOU ARENT WHITE.

no they dont forget it. this is just their way of signaling that they arent like this. that they arent proud of being white. whites are a JOKE.

Literally 20% of his tweets are making fun of white people or whiteness. no other racial groups. just whites. ok its probably more like 10% but its a CONSISTENT 10%. sure enough, there’s another white joke in with the random jokes about your baby or food or funny stuff at work or whatever.

well i guess its more interesting than the other poeple who tweet about SPORTSBALL hehehehe. YAWN.

none of the people on my “real life men” list could be considered even slightly right of center. or even center. ALL leftists. well to be fair its the one guy doing the tweeting. i mean there is lotta twitter attrition here.

i made a separate list for women because literally EVERYTHING they say is stupid, so i didnt want to read them any more. again they would all be leftists but thats the default state for young tweeting women.

ok done with that bullshit. it is AMAZING how different i am from these people. and i LIKE being different. i WANT to stand up for my own side. I WANT To defend whites. i am seriously PRO-white. I dont throw MY people under the bus.  i dont make fun of whites. i seriously stand for and with Working Class Whites.

i dont blindly suck trumps dick but i HAVE to vote for him because he says ANYTHING supportive of working class whites!

these other whites have nothing but CONTEMPT for working class whites!!!!!

so dissapointing and sad. i mean this guy is smart, he’s actually funny, he’s a nice guy. he didnt HAVE to turn out like this. i mean i dont HATE him. I dont HATE his nonwhite wife and kid. i just have to shake my head. SMH.

yet more evidence that I REALLY need to go to pro white meetups and meet other pro white real life people. i HAVE to.

or at least find people i already know who already have pro-white inklings.

and its disappointing when the white poeple you know DONT have these inklings, in fact they make anti white jokes, and truly believe that Whites Have Done Enough Harm, Its Time To Go Now, Buh Bye Whites.

this is THE underlying belief, which makes debating nonwhites pointless.

basically: whites have power, nonwhites dont, whites have used their power to oppress nonwhites, and this reign of terror is starting to crumble and come to and end, and that’s a good thing! it’s GOOD when white population declines! Good! whites are a net negative, a cancer of humanity, whites have done more harm than good, ITS TIME FOR THEM TO GO. and WHTE PEOPLE BELIEVE THIS FULLY.

no its not fair for whites to protect themselves, because whites are OBJECTIVELY EVIL! whites are the most harmful race! its ONLY FAIR that whites pay the karmic price by dying off! Good!

this is LITERALLY how these people think! and it makes me sick!

well at least i got 5 applications done today, havent gotten 5 in at LEAST a week. spread them out all throughout the day. took the edge off by playing cards WHILE doing the application. or, intentionally doing the app slowly and not quickly, even if it would skew my numbers. so then i took the slow time and just took 10%-15% off of it. i guess i could also just input the Current Average of 13 minutes. or how about 14 or 15.

sept 23

received rejection from post office job today that i interviewed for like 3 months ago. for the PSE mail processing clerk. funny that i was actually offered a carrier job but not the processing job.

and i turned down the carrier offer because of shit i read online hahahaha. i still dont feel too bad about that hahahaha.

but i still feel incapable of doing/handling just about any job!

how come SHE can handle a job but I cant?

note: these thoughts dont seem to bother me as much as they once did, thank GOD.

but, how come any random NORMIE can handle a job but I cant? is the more general version of that thought.

heh. so whites are responsible for most of the INJUSTICE in the world and therefore we need to balance out the balance sheet. whites still have a DEBT TO PAY. thats why they mock them and like it when whites fade away.

i need to really start socialising with white people who are proud to be white hahahaha.

not that i really hang out with whites who mock whites anyway! these people I see on twitter, i dont really see them in RL anymore. i will see people like this only very occasionally. the people i see most regularly are not nearly this bad, hahahahaha. thank GOD.

but i would STILL like to hang out with people who are blatantly pro-white, like me hahahaha.

so, WHITES deserve to lose power because they have been so UNJUST and OPPRESSIVE for HUNDREDS OF YEARS. They brought this on themselves. They are the Douchebro race and now they need to learn that they cant act like that without consequence. have to be held accountable.

this is exactly the antiwhite view, its so simple, and we would do well to remind ourselves of it. you cant logic with these people. you cant change them or redpill them or chip away at them. they are basically hopeless race traitors hahahaha.

but yeah debating THEM is useless but like bulbasaur says, its more useful for the listening audience, to chip away at the people who actually are on the fence.

sometimes people adopt certain personas to fit in or make friends, indeed i was like that. when i was 20 i was a huge antiwhite leftist who thought that mocking the ebil whites was a way to make friends with the cool leftist kids and maybe win the approval of the qt leftist gurls (at leftist university, all the gurls were leftist).

but that was when i was 20! these people are not 20 any more!

so i thank GOD that I became woke by age 30 hahahaha. this guy on twitter is not, and never will be. you find a 30 year old that is talking like this, its pretty hopeless. and they have children. and will teach their children this crap.

are there any people that people redpilled AFTER they have children? i think some guys on the fatherland actually were. actually i think having children starts the redpilling for some people. well good for them. they were probably on the fence anyway, or werent blatantly antiwhite to begin with.

i will do everything i can to live out the 14 words, but it still is VERY frustrating to think that I dont Have What It Takes to have my OWN white children.

i mean if shit is mostly genetic, i should be able to have children with a white skank, and abandon them, and they will prob still turn out all right…..right?

but its patently horrible to abandon your children, and i wouldnt really want to do that.

and i dont really WANT to have children with a white trash skank!!!!

but if thats my only option to have children? you cant live in a fantasy world, you gotta live in the REAL world hehehehe.

so yeah i guess my plan is, if i havent had children by age 50, then just go the desperate plan z route of knocking up basically any white woman that will take me.

but that child would be MISERABLE!!!!!!!

heh. i remember when i was on facebook. like 7 years ago. i would get triggered by the stupid annoying things people would say, especially women. i just wanted to get away from it all. so i did. years later i brought back facebook and only had 7 friends this time. basically people who did not post annoying stupid shit and were trusted long term fairly special friends. that worked out ok until i friended THat Woman hahahaha and so i have deactivated this FB for the past 14 months hehehe.

but seeing that guys shitty twitter just made me think, damn, facebook is EVEN WORSE. even MORE idiots saying even MORE stupid shit. and i was GLAD I didnt have to put up with that….. but i was also frustrated because maybe this means i am too easily triggered and cant DEAL with real life people!!!!!!!

well being annoyed by peoples stupid political and moral opinions on facebook is nothing new. normies get annoyed at this too. they just dont have the BALLS to cut off fb entirely like me hahahahaha.

yeah i mean i do like seeing pictures of muh friends beautiful white children.

but everyone I know has my email address and phone number. I check email 1488 times a day. its always open. its open right now. i get 1488 job alerts a day. i just looked at email right now.

you can search my name on google and find my linkedin and twitter pages, which have my email on them. my phone number is available to connections on my linkedin page.

i dont NEED facebook in other words.

why would you “DATE” somebody if “its not a serious relationship?” where date obviously means casually fooking. i swear it is the stupid WOMEN who ruin reddit with their womanly bullshit.

the things they advise, if a guy actually was like that, they would dump him quickly. they view kindness and respect as weakness. and actual weakness they view as worse than abuse or stalking or raep.

comedy. i used to be much more into comedy. well, my good friend was really into comedy and he is a great guy and i supported him and felt i had a somewhat similar appreciation for comedy and comedians, actually smart funny good comedians vs bad comedians, comic timing, what makes something funny, etc.

as i have become more 1488 i have become less tolerant of comedians. i guess louis ck is a great example of the change i’ve gone through. he’s new enough that he was never grandfathered in in my youth. he started gaining a reputation as a smart person’s comedian and writer. i sort of appreciate his Depth of Character Development, which is above average…..but he’s still a cuckold phaggot. I watch his stuff sometimes with some interest. he’s smart enough to know better, so its disappointing to see him ultimately be a big blue pill jooish phaggot. and really he’s nly 25% jooish. but he seems like way more hahahaha.

like i was watching this show on fx “better things” which he is the co creator of, along with the female star, who was actually the voice of bobby on king of the hill. here she plays a degenerate single mother actress mudshark basket case skank with an alcoholic skank single mother herself. no positive masculine characters. all the females are stronk independent fragile basket case skanks. it totally makes sense to have louis ck in on this, and its pretty disgusting.

you can do better louis, just dont be such a weak degen. but he wont, i am confident in that. so into the oven he goes.

and its very similar with all of tv, movies, hollywood, etc. its all jooish degen, and has been well before 1965. hollywood has been jooish even since like 1920 hahahahaha.

so what. whos a good comedian? george carlin? bill hicks? they seem edgy but really its just basic bitch libertarian bullshit, and that’s just not good enough.

yet when i was 23 and met a super qt 20 year old gurl who actually knew and liked bill hicks, i thought oooooo this gurl is so special. normie gurls dont even know who bill hicks is.

of course she turned out to be a crazy mudshark slut, and thankfully i quickly got over my infatuation with her. seeing a 2015 tweet from her (not a frequent tweeter but im sure she is a mad FBer) shows that she essentially supports BLM, hates cops, thinks cops are The White Man oppressing and killing Blacks, and also guns are bad too.

at age 29 this girly leftism becomes a lot less cute than at age 20, and i have some schadenfreude as she rapidly approaches The Wall with no husband, no children, because guess what cupcake: YOU ARENT GOOD WIFE MATERIAL.

you cant get down on women for being leftist though, women are natural leftists. it’s the man’s job to guide them to the right.

still, does that mean women HAVE TO express their dumb stupid leftist opinions? why cant they just be more Apolitical????? Apolitical is ideal.

indeed, not all people express stupid opinions on fb or twitter or whatever.

some of them have Anonymous Blogs where they write 148800000000 word posts on far right stuff and traditional values. find me that woman hahahaha. no jk. in a woman, thats just weird. for a man, well, then i would like to hang out with that guy!

and thats obviously what i need to do ASAP. meet more real life white men with Racially Woke Far Right Wing views and morals like me.

i kinda am interested in getting a part time ABA autism job. just to see what its like. i dont have that kind of curiosity for other shitty jobs hahaha. and all the ABA jobs are part time, low paying, low qualifications, low bar, seems like it would be easy for a dumb ingra woman to get hahahahaha so why not me. well thats presumptuous, i have interviewed for SEVERAL part time 11 dollar an hour jobs and not gotten an offer!

i could say i have autism myself. no i just have terrible social anxiety. big difference hhahaha.

hehehehehehehehe  this young man of 26 he is way younger than me AND he has a gf who doesnt dump him because he is at a deadend job making shit money and he is unhappy and so why doesnt she dump him because to keep a woman you have to be in charge and happy all the fookin time. and the second you have a low phase and ask them can i lean on you for some moral support, they say nope dont be so insecure needy and clingy, im gone, this is your fault for pushing me too much. hahahahahaha

heh. so a person goes to the dr to ask for some benzos because they are scared of flying, doc says ok fine, gives them <10 xanax.

this is a lot different than someone who says holy fook i need benzos to go to my job EVERY DAY because im so freaked out by my JOB EVERY DAY.

the guy who freaks out on planes does NOT freak out about his job. he survives his job quite easily, makes 40k+ a year, goes out and socializes on work nights, gets 6 hours of sleep tops, and doesnt mind. doesnt freak out.  wouldnt THINK of taking benzos for the job.


now i didnt really. i got like 6 months prescription of benzos but just hoarded them. in hindsight i wish i HAD taken them on the job. but I was worried about Seemed Stoned to everybody, so I just continued to freak out and not take them, except on weekends sometimes, just to take the edge off.

today is friday night, party time, took half dose of nyquil, my go to party drug. wish i had a big bag of indica MJ, then i would smoke that hehehe.

woo hoo got 6 applications in today. got about 250 calories over my goal tho. but i wanted to get at least 5 applications today in order to feel like a basic human being. and i did hehehe. even as the nyquil is making my thinking less sharp hehehe.  also my apps are getting longer and bringing my average up. I remember when I was at like 12.9 minutes. now i am at like 13.3 minutes. not cool man!

i guess i am a little jealous of women. they can get a Trad Monog LTR even if they are totally crazy, “babies give me a mental breakdown, and im also suicidal.” a MAN this crazy would be a foreveralone virgin, compounding his suizidality.

but again we know the reason why. power of the uterus. so it is only RIGHT that any woman, even a crazy one, doesnt need to make a HUGE EFFORT to get a man, and can still easily get a man even with HUGE DEALBREAKERS.

this woman is so crazy that “babies make me want to K myself” good LORD.

hehehehe. theses STUPID ARGUMENTS that the WOMEN START. we never got to that point. she would just dump me long before it got to this point hahahaha.

i have an anxious attachment style, she has an avoidant attachment style hahahaha. maybe i need another anxious person hahaha.

i know you have to put in LOTS of applications before you get a job, and it ALWAYS takes LONGER than you think…..but HOW long? HOW many applications? over a year? over 500 applications?

yeah sure i should get WAY more than 500 applications in a year, but I was really lazy and shitty for the first 6 months of that hahahahaha. so yeah i could get more like 800 applications in a year.



for sat april 15

now: sept 6 2016

sept 7 2016


yeah i have been physically not too great, mentally/emo not too great either since coming back from muh “vacation.” hehehehe. when I got back I promptly went to bed for 16 hours. the next day I was still tired and had aches and pains all over the body. i had done some lifting and carrying of stuff but it really didnt seem bad enough to produce such soreness!

also had annoying borderline water faucet colon which i usually only get in the morning after drinking a lot of coffee too fast, but here it lasted all day and that was very annoying. couldnt even enjoy a nice powerwalk without thinking im gonna shart muh pants.

have been getting sharper “carpal tunnel” pains lately. this has been going on for at least a year but the last couple days its been more noticeable. it is honestly probably enough to get me a medical MJ recommendation for “chronic pain”!!!!! not even joking.

was taking pepto bismol which usually helps with the watery #2’s, but didnt seem to help much yesterday. at the end of the day was very tired. not just low energy, but darn exhausted, even though i hadn’t done anything. slept pretty well again but could have slept longer if i hadnt forced self.

yassss got new shoes from zappos, they seem to fit well. i mean my current shoes are just terrible. they are SO worn down, but really all on one side, so the shoes are very lopsided and diagonal and that cant be good for the foot.  i mean i should have upgraded these shoes months ago. i hope i havent done permanent damage hahahaha. basically i am an overpronator and the outside of the shoe gets worn down much much much more.

but yeah i just felt like i was 80 years old hahahaha.

THANK GOD for the new shoes though. this is my typical thing though. wait way too long to replace stuff that should be replaced. or get haircut. or clothes.

honestly cant stop pooping. this is ridiculous.

new shoes feel gr8! that is awesome. very good. THANK GOD. because this is a privilege most people dont have. buying new shoes when they need them.

yeah so i wore the shoes and took a 3.2 mile walk and the shoes were great.

388 days since i sent her the last contact. i figure 400 days is a nice round number. nicer than 365. but a YEAR is a nice round period of time. why arent years 400 days hahahaha.

422 days since i last talked to her, abotu 419 days since i last SAW her.

theres a thought that I should address Muh Egregious Red Flag Employment Gap in muh cover letter. I am open to doing this.





ok. gave this one a try because i liked the cover art hahahaha. wanted to see how the production and songwriting compares to “ashes against the grain.” there seems to be more blasting in a blatant black metal style on Marrow of the spirit, so, I like that. now the SOUND on MOTS is really interesting. I think I like it, it’s definitely provocative so yeah that’s good. the drums sound a little weird and the guitars sound very “warm” and fuzzy. the whole thing sounds rawer and more underproduced than I was expecting, not in a bad way of course.

it sounds like they intentionally tried to make their sound more “raw” or “live” or “organic”, and in theory, I am always in support of this.

heh. finally applied for job. 30k county job. i prefer to apply for the 26k county jobs, but i have gotten interviewed for a 42k county job!

i want to work for you because you have a MF day shift, weekends off, no overtime, 37.5 hour work week, and bennies. so its a good fit for me because i dont handle stress or pressure well hahahahahaha. or customers. thats why i have to be high on xanax all day at work hahahahahaha.

no obviously i don’t actually often USE benzos. i brought 3 valiums with me to our little vacation, and i completely FORGOT about them. sheeeeit. they may have come in handy when i was freaking out because of the MJ! which is the entire reason I brought the valium!!!!!

i am very close to the cusp of focusing hardcore on temp/staffing agencies. recruiters for temp jobs.

because the only people that will “take a chance” on such a RISKY person as me, are the absolutely bottom of the barrel shittiest jobs that will hire ANYONE……or MAYBE jobs where the job contract is limited. temporary. finite. temp. if the person sucks, they will be gone soon.

also if i go a week without an interview, the confidence def goes down. as you get 2 or 3 rejection emails a day hahahaha.

heh. if i got rejected by WOMEN like this, I would have even less confidence hahahaha.

or maybe i just wouldnt care and would bullshit the things i am supposed to bullshit to get women to spread for muh dick hahahahahaha. maybe it would actually be EASIER.

yeah that sounds woman hating, but You Women really DO give it up to easily and don’t have the appropriate RESPECT for SECS, like your biological role in secs. I dont NEED to have as much respect for secs, because men just dump sperm. the costs and risks and responsibilities are much higher for women. RESPECT that.

ok forced my way thru 2 applications. again i am getting discouraged here so i am not applying to “reach” stuff with muh dream orgs unless they are fairly low paying…..and of course these jobs skew towards high paying.

unbelievable. company sending a pdf for me to complete…..but its not an editable pdf. they literally want me to print it out, fill it out by hand, then scan it, then send THAT pdf back. this is a fairly big company where that shit is blatantly embarrassing.

so instead I am converting the pdf to a jpg and trying to edit it in paint. not working so well. with the text boxes and shit.

this is truly a very good album!

it took me basically the whole album just to fill out that shit. using pixlr to add text boxes, rasterize, and draw little circles. unbelievable. they are looking for skills in VISIO and PROJECT which i technically have hahaha yet their goddam Talent Acquisition Team can’t make a pdf editable. absolutely disgraceful. See, I would volunteer my personal time after work to make the pdf editable so they wouldnt have to pay me for that work.

plus i get to show extreme ingenuity and cleverness and problem solving with this pdf to jpg, pixlr, jpg to pdf nonsense, hahahaha. sending them back a pdf that was 8 times larger in size than the one they sent me hahahaha.

because they couldnt do any of this with plain text, saying, answer all of these questions in your reply email. nooooooo that would be too easy.

or god forbid have something in the taleo applicant tracking system THEY ALREADY HAVE AND USE.

but yeah. then they wanted me to explain in the REPLY EMAIL any Gaps in the past 7 years, and also all Reasons For Separation in the past 7 years. I guess I should be glad they didnt ask for 20 years!

but this implies they are gonna read the email……so why demand the shitty, shitty pdf as well?

just to make shit more difficult and weed out the weak.

so I will be PISSED if this doesnt result in an interview.

i added an extra 20 minutes to the spreadsheet for the amount of time it took to apply for this job.

thinking SEARS might be a better place than jcpenneys for me hahahaha.

just looking for t-shirts that have like STRIPES or patterns or some shit, that is not a damn “graphic tee.”

something that is more interesting than just a solid color t shirt, which is what i usually wear, but that is kinda boring!

interesting. what gets me most worked about That Woman is not really thoughts of her spending time and being nice to other men, and loving them and cuddling with them, but really the more x rated stuff, like her sucking dick, fooking her, her sitting on their face and them licking her asshole, hahahahahahahaha. banging her from behind, banging her from the front, tongue in the mouth, her sighing and breathing heavy and getting juice all over. that real porno stuff, which isnt even all porno stuff, but actual real life secs stuff. that is what gets me angery.

that is the sort of stuff that gets me all hot and bothered!

anyway of course i should not be thinking about it at all.

but yeah i have no interest in other women. occasionally i will see a young qt i want to bang but not super often. and i would STILL want to bang HER moar!!!!!!

stupid shit really.

basically i cant ever imagine WANTING another woman as much as her, and also that i will never STOP wanting her!

i mean yeah it has gotten better. and yeah i DID eventually stop wanting those other women. it just took like 2 years hahahaha. and it hasnt been 2 years with this woman yet.

just no interest in women other than to maybe opportunistically bang unmarriageable sluts. great. and never fully exorcise the memory of HER. because I always got along with HER best, we had the most special best connection.

yeah well if it was so good, how come she couldnt even send me a damn text message and just say awwwww im sorry ok now im blocking you sorry.

or have her family or our mutual friend send that message to me for her.

but yeah that connection! even if it was just for me. how am I ever gonna feel that way about someone else ever again? and that is what I WANT to feel for muh wife, the mother of muh children!

yeah it def was the worst heartbreak.

the OBVIOUS ANSWER to how do i forget about HER is……….MEET NEW WOMEN!!!!!!!!!! THE TIME HAS COME where I NEED to MEET NEW WOMEN!!!!!!!!

of coursh I have never ever really liked meeting new people. it is not fun. men or women.

some people, normies and chads, actually LIKE meeting new people and think its FUN.

i have no interest in meeting people unless its a young woman and they are qt and seem NICE.

how hard is it to be nice? not very, but many people seem to think so.

hearing about this guys GF who is like 19 years old and NOBODY likes her. she has “no personality”.

i thought, so what if she has “no personality,” That Woman didn’t have much of a personality, usually if a woman has a strong personality, that means she’s bitchy and obnoxious. no thank you. just have a not-strong personality and be nice. be pleasant. i’m thinking this young girl is both no personality AND not really nice or pleasant either. jeeeez. how unpleasant do you have to be as a 19 year old gurl to have nobody like you??!?!?!?! also I have heard she is not terribly good looking either.

meanwhile i found, once upon a time, a nice, qt, woman that everybody liked because she was NICE and had a GOOD personality.

with men its harder. you have to have an ACTUAL personality, and NOT Just Be Nice. i guess I cant be mad about that, thats just nature.


dramatic breakup story, he cant get over ex, who blocked him, but they had their problems, also she talked to him a lot more and prob would have been willing to give him some closure

spet 9

well i have learned from /r/relships/ that women indeed have some agency and are not to be regarded as total BABIES.

(every single attractive young woman on linkedin is a GOD DAMN RECRUITER.)

anyway, not to get off on a tangent, basically, the leftist scum of reddit insists that women are not powerless infants and indeed they DO have some responsibilities. well of COURSE they would think that tho! they like powerful independent wimmin!

but yeah you hear stories where women actually do stuff, put in an effort, or in some cases, stalk the guy, or get needy or clingy, texting the guy, getting jealous, getting heartbroken. i guess its nice to know that women are CAPABLE of this!

or just basically that they are willing to talk to you when they are dumping you and to say sorry and to be conscious that them dumping you is gonna hurt you and they are making some token effort to mitigate some of that hurt!

also the idea that the solution is pretty obvious (dump that b and run away!!!!) and the Bad Guy is pretty obvious.

i just hate being the Bad Guy because I couldnt understand Space.

but i dont think it was that simple either. i think any mature person would say SPACE ISNT AN EXCUSE TO AVOID DEALING WITH THE SITUATION. SPACE ISNT AN EXCUSE TO NEVER COMMUNICATE.

i think i already made that a post title. or something very close to it hahahaha.

so basically when a woman has secs quickly, she is saying “MY VALUES ARE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THAN YOURS.”  so maybe its a stage. but why should the stage be like 10 years long or 15 years or whatever? thats a pretty long stage. too long for me.

ok applied for us army job. they have a big facility which employs a lot of people in the area with damn good 35k jobs like this one.

an open relationship will NEVER work if BOTH people dont agree about wanting it. period. it HAS to be completely mutual and UNANIMOUS.

of course at least 80% of Breakups are not unanimous, but they dont need to be. it would be nice if they were!


welp at 399 jobs now, should prob make the big 400th a good one. i think we decided not too long ago to make 500 the new goal.

i mean i have a hard time with jobs. bullshitting my way and figuring out what to do in tough confusing situations. figuring out how to do and handle my job. figuring out how to fix problems and what to say to frustrated customers who are counting on me to fix their problem…….and i really dont know what im doing. i feel incompetent because I AM incompetent and its inherently stressful to try to serve people when you ARE incompetent. because you ABSOLUTELY do not feel free to make mistakes or fail, because someone is basically gonna insult your intelligence.

in school it was ok to make mistakes, because only your grade suffered, and only a little bit, and you could always ask questions without being bitched at and treated like someone who should be fired.

how did that woman do it? oh yeah she just went with the flow. great advice, you horrible person hahahahahaha.

fookin captain obvious. fookin captain obviously easier said than done. jeeeeeez.

also reading /r/rels you see how FLAKY women are. they will just give up on you for the stupidest shittiest reasons and there is nothing you can do about it. because you have to respect their wishes that they dont care about you any more and dont want to do anything to work on things.

where do you go for nondegenerate dating advice? actually /r/rels is pretty good…..BUT they are degen on things like open rels, or being a SLUT. i guess I am just happy that they view Cheating as a Bad Thing. but yeah they dont view having a Super Promiscuous Slut Past as being a bad thing. when it totally is.

and i dont want to go to a christian thing, again. because I want YOU to understand why being a slut is wrong, not just because of muh good book or muh jeebus. which are all great things mind you, but it honestly seems………MORALLY LAZY!!!!!! to have muh jeebus be your answer to all moral questions.

but i dont like atheists. but do i like a devout blind faith type person better than an atheist? probably.

ideal would be a person like me: someone who wants to have faith but is just filled with tons of doubt.

and a woman who just thinks casual sex is GROSS or SLUTTY, and SLUTTY is BAD. I dont wanna be an icky gross SLUT. SLUTS ARE GROSS, she says. I would never want to be gross like that.

and she said that! she had an appropriate sense of DISGUST and DISDAIN 4 SLUTS!!!!

if i even have to mansplain it…….that stuffing a guys dick in your mouf and babymaker, who you dont even know this guy, you just met him a few days ago…if i have to mansplain why that is disgusting, then you are too far gone.

and 90% of women are too far gone hahahahahaha.

might have a little nyquil today, go for walk after, go to bed early.

called this auto service place for recall notice and actually got scheduled to get that fixed. so that was an accomplishment hahaha.

heh. you know how some people “break up” but theyre not really “borken up” because they are still hanging out, fooking, texting hahahaha. sometimes even the gurl initiates, decides she doesnt want to be totally done with the guy, and presents herself to be fooked. can’t say that happened to me hahahaha.

basically, if she had ANY desire to talk to me……..SHE WOULD HAVE.


but its easy to think they aren’t, when you have a case where the woman does ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. you think, are ALL women like that? I HOPE not all women are like that!!!!!!!! but i dont know enough women to tell. so then its GOOD to read these stories and anecdotes.

AYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I have just gone from a floundering seal to a baby seal on SwC poker hahahahaha. this is a YUGE deal, its taken me like 2 years to get to this point.





may 10

1000 calories,  7.07 miles (at various speeds and various inclines), 136 minutes.

kind of a long time, i am very jelly of the people who can burn 1000 calories in 1 hour. i have seen a few.  but that was my goal yesterday. rather than going a straight 130 minutes, I just decided to say fook the time and go until I reach 1000 calories. broke it up into 3 parts. first part did a 2.5 mile Slow Jog. with some walking. to get to 400 calories. then next portion was focused on doing huge incline, up to max of 15%. getting 300 calories there. then took a small break to go to bathroom and drink water. then cam back and did last 300 cals at very relaxed pace. so basically, 700, then a break, then 300.

for the first 700 listened to music, then on 300 listened to white racist fatherhood podcast.  best show ever. did I mention I made a donation to TRS hahahahah pat myself on the back publicly.

so it was 3 portions:

  1. 400 cals, 3.14 miles, 47 minutes. involved 2.5 miles of Slow Jogging hahaha. prepping or muh 5k haha.

2. 300 cals, 1.62 miles, 39 minutes. attached to portion 1. ramped up eventually to 15%, speed was pretty slow.

3. took break. came back. did 300 calories, 2.31 mile, 50 minutes. much lower incline. tried to “relax.”

well i neeted it up at the interview, and important to note this was for an Eligibility Pool, not a specific job, so…. hehehe so hard to make money in this world. just want to not be a neet skell hahahaha.

Civil Cases and Debt cases sometimes dont go to trial but get outsourced to an outside ARBITRATION service who then makes the ruling on who owes what.

I just want a civil court arbitration that that woman treated me less than respectfully, and therefore owes me an apology, and some respect. hahahaha. basically to have someone back me up and say, you’re right, this isn’t right, you dont deserve this, this is no way to treat a person, she fooked up, and you didnt do anything wrong.

this is the problem when somebody dumps you in this way. either they’re fooked up, or you’re a monster who deserves this. And I REALLY dont want to be a monster. I’d rather her be a huge chickenshit coward avoider. well at least I think that option is becoming more clear.

when a bitch accuses you of being CLINGY or NEEDY, just mansplain to them, no im not clingy, thats what love IS. I just have stronger feelings for you than you have for me, so to you it LOOKS LIKE needy. when you loved a guy more than he loved you, you looked 9000000000 times worse than this. now bend over and take my c0ck up your ass 90000000000 times, you filthy wh0re, and that will make me like you less and hate you more and then i will be less needy hahahahahalol. then you can find some other f4gg0t fool to NEED your used up ass. bet youll feel great when you are 35 and no one NEEDS you except your ingrate bastard mud baby and your cats. and they cant fook you hard like a real man can hahahaha.

had dream I was hanging out with one of my previous female friends who was a fairly attractive young woman. but she was always dating other guys and I never really wanted to date her. we just hung out and got along pretty well. but I never got conflicted over her. although in the dream I had just spent a fun day with her and then at the end of it we started cuddling and I think Making Out. and I thought, well this isnt nearly as weird as I feared it might be.

so that means, I PROBABLY could have gotten more than friends feelings for her too if I had tried, hahaha. but I never did. Anyway we drifted apart very amicably and I have no hard feelings towards her. I kinda feel she would be a big handful to Date though. like Unchill and crazy, been with too many guys, too crazy, etc. but as a friend she was just fine. But I still think That Woman would have been a much better GF. she hadnt been with as many guys and was more innocent. but in the end…..who treated me better?????? the “slut!” hahahaha. Not that I like to think of that prior female friend as “A Slut.” even if she might have been. she also got into long term rels with guys.

i never wanted to date her and never Got Feelings. but this dream showed me that maybe I could have, in an alternate universe. prob one where we spent even more time together, and where she was blatantly single. she was single/available like less than 1% of the time I knew her.

I am single/available 99.999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999% of my entire life, hahahahaha.

well better than 100% hahaha.

good god. send resume to “IT REcruiter” for an “asset coordinator” position which i dont even know what that is, but it didnt sound like a call center, and the guy calls me within 30 minutes. I did not answer, let it go to voice mail. he said he was EXTREMELY INTERESTED in talking to me hahahahaha. god damn aggressive recruiters. I wish the companies could be as aggressive. then they would actually hire people. thats how recruiters work, thats how they find people. they just YOUR HIRED! to anybody and then send these schmucks to the company. perhaps the recruiter actually takes the time to look at the resumes while the company just hires anyone who comes in for an interview. i honestly dont know how this is sustainable. and i hate everything related to “IT”.

or apply for an autistic children behavior tech using simply apply on indeed and get a direct email from the person at the clinic, asking me to fill out this application doc file and send it back. just a shitty ass form on a doc file that is gonna contain all the information on my linkedin and indeed pages which was included with my original submission.

sheeeeit. back to spraying out applications hahahaha. i still wish that woman would “come to her senses” and apologize to me. shit. its just gonna take a damn year to get over, actually probably more.

was I really THAT bad? I dont think I was THAT bad. damn. So I was annoying. give me a little benefit of the doubt. I wasnt some random guy. just TRY. not try to luv me, but TRY to see it from my perspective and TRY to give me a tiny bit of good will. im not trying to hurt you. im not trying to fook up our friendship. but this just happened. what would you do if your BF was HORRIFIED and DISGUSTED when you were honest about how you liked him, and he reacted like this, instead of dating you in a marriage like relship for 5 long years?

hey I lost something and someone important to ME. itd be NICE if you acted like i was important to you too.

of COURSE me getting feelings complicates shit. but i knew when I was your age that you cant hold feelings back. and you shouldnt hate people for getting feelings.

but yeah she was a big deal in my life and i still havent filled that void yet. maybe if i were working a lot. or even a little. that would def help. leaving the job ALSO caused a big void. so now I have TWO BIG VOIDS and that is a lot.

I think if I were just working I could focus on that, worry about that, maybe become a degen MJ smoker again, maybe 3 solid months of chronic MJ use would help me make some progress in getting over her. i mean thats all that she does. smoke tones of MJ every day and forget everything. I wouldnt mind forgetting HER.

oh but i would be using drugs to block shit out. NO, i would be using drugs to erase or delete memories. big difference.

not block, but erase. destroy. dispose of. annihilate. delete forever. its the closest thing to never meeting her. as if she never existed. that would be great. where mah weed at.

nietzsche wearing trump hat.png hahahahahaha

i dont give a shit if it IS degenerate. if it helps me get over this woman, then i’ll take it. obviously dont want to be doing it for like more than 6 months.

hey i mean I cant deal with the Feelings any MORE. there’s nothing more left. it’s just replaying of all the old shit. it’s all been played out. it just stays there like the stench of smoke or cat piss in a house. lingers, serving no god damn purpose whatsoever.

may 11

had dream featuring woman4 aka woman2005B? she had a sense of SEcsual Innocence which I looked for and found in other women too. However she saw me at my drunken worst too much and was kind of annoyed by me hahahaha. plus I was too much of a pvssy to really hang out with her one on one. which come on. you really need to do that. but I was young, I was drinking a lot, I had gotten dumped by woman3 and was upset about that, and I was trying to get back together with woman2 but she wanted to be Just Friends, so my confidence was at another big low, which caused me to act like an idiot around woman4, who I remained in luv with for far too long. I think I was over her within 3 years tho hahahahaha.

heh. its weird. I havent had any success with women since I stopped drinking hahaha. 6 years ago….i mean 7. however I would get so falling down drunk that that didnt help me with women either.  like holy shit he is the drunkest one here kind of drunk. not lets all get tipsy together. well, I used to be able to do that back in the day, and that was legit fun, and that maybe DID help me with woman2 and woman3. in 2004 and 2005 hahaha.

wow 302 days since i last talked to That Person. and it feels just like yesterday hahahaha. I like to think in terms of 100%, multiples of 100, 100 days, 200 days, 300 days, 400 days, so hitting the 300 day mark is significant. def have made some progress but just want to make it to the 400 day mark, which I think will be better. 100 and 200 were nothing. meant nothing. who cares. no big change there.

anyway what happened in the dream with woman2005B. uhh I think we were at a party and I might have been getting drunk and embarrassing myself in front of her. also I was trying to spy on her to see how she reacted to these douchebag guys hitting on her. she did not appear to be having a lot of fun and went to sleep in a room in the back. I saw her sleeping there alone. I guess there was no guarantee she hadnt had casual sex with every guy there but me, but it really didnt seem like it. the next day people were eating breakfast and I tried being nice to her and apologizing for being a drunken fool? Cant really remember.

but yeah being a drunken fool is never a good move with women, and neither is apologizing like a little bitch.

hehehe the worst thing you can do after being ANNOYING to a woman, is to APOLOGIZE to her for it.

in fact i dont even know the best thing you can do. pretend like it never happened? be cool, stay away from the woman for a while? then she’ll prob just forget about you totally. i am tempted to say that being annoying is the worst thing you can do in the first place, cuz its one strike and youre out, you cant bounce back from that ever, you might as well pack it in immediately, YOURE DONE.

it doesnt matter if youve been married for 20 years or you just met the woman hahahaha. be annoying ONCE and youre the bad guy who ruined the rel and pushed her away.

hhahahaha ok i am exagerrateing as i sometimes do. magnifying. going to extremes. of course if youre married for 20 years, your wife might show you more loyalty and luv and not give up on you after one strike. you might get the full 3 strikes. leave the toilet seat up 3 times over 3 years and youre divorced hahahaha. its not like the points come off your record in 6 months.

anyway woman4 was a lot more emotionally stable than me hahahaha. she got a decent job and really she just needs to get her masters degree already, I dont know why she put that off. Of course I liked that about her! but shes so focused on her social justice career that its foolish of her NOT to get a stupid social justice masters degree already. in international poverty alleviation or some shit. or some really sjwy law degree would also be good for her.

she could have well been asexual or a lesbo. well she was too cute and feminine to be a lesbo. but she would prob be very nervous about secs and embarrassed to talk about it publicly…….as all women SHOULD be! so I liked that about her.

in an alternate universe i would have just gotten married to her when I was 22 and she was 21 hahaha. and i would have not been drinking or acting a fool. oh i realize the error of my evil ways.

i kinda acted a fool with That Woman…..but it was still very different. there was no drunkenness. just annoying pushiness. but I hung out with her one on one quite a bit, which I never did with with woman4, and had enough courage to ask her to hang out at least hahaha. also i was never really actual friends with woman4. we never hung out or texted or talked or had a real rel of any kind, the way I did with That Woman.

but yeah I would luv to use degen MJ for like 3 months or 100 days hahahaha to see if that helps erase that woman from my mind. but got to get job first hehe.

so should i call this IT recruiter back about the asset coordinator job? PROBABLY.

its all about DOING THE REPS. you might not be in the best mood, or be super confident, not at the top of your game, but you get down to work and do the reps anyway. do something rather tahn nothing.

also I wanted to make it perfectly clear that I was NOT looking to her to give me support for my Despair Disorder. That is my cross to bear alone hahahaha. I was, however, looking for the kind of general Loving Moral Support which a Special Woman wilfully provides to her Lover. The Tender Mercies and all that. the warmth and cuddles and all that. which I think is legit, reasonable. But I was not asking her to be my Shrink and Save Me From Myself. I know a lot of Despair people do this and it understandably overwhelms the partner, pushes them away.

Nope I wasnt doing that at all. I was just asking for someone to spend time with me and give me luv and cuddles hahaha. not emotionally manipulate with my own despair. what a womanly thing to do hahahaha. im gonns suddenly shut down because I have despair disorder and you are gonna be at the mercy of muh moods. NOPE. i didnt do ANY of that.

however I do firmly believe that general luv and cuddles would have generally increased my confidence and power and probably made me generally less depairing.

see her confidence was not diminished at ALL. getting rid of me was just getting rid of a problem. it was a weight lifted and her life could get better. for me it was a big loss, like a death, leaving a huge void, and also I have two huge voids, one in muh personal life, another in my working life, and have greatly weakened confidence in both those areas. where she has much greater confidence in both those areas. hehehehe. winning lifes struggles is a lot easier when you have CONFIDENCE. and jobless loveless neet virgin losers dont have much confidence at all.

the worst thing I wanted was her to support muh confidence. but she didnt really need to DO anything to do that other than hang out with me and not be cold and distant to me. very low bar. when things were going good with her, i was pretty confident.

but when things went REALLY bad with her, my confidence went into the crapper. what i’m saying, is they didn’t have to go SO badly, and maybe if they hadn’t, my confidence would be higher now, which would make my current struggles less difficult.

in other words, it wasnt draining or too much effort for her to build up my confidence. she just needed to sit there and smile hahaha.

but it also wouldnt have been THAT much effort for her to PREVENT the hugeass CRASH in my confidence.

of course, the OBVIOUS lesson here is, don’t chain your self confidence to SOMEBODY ELSE, PERIOD.

so yeah its always been hard for me to not associate my self confidence with How Women View Me.

When Women view me favorably, I have decent confidence.

When women view me unfavorably and abandon me, I have very low confidence.

Once I get over those rejections and women have no opinion of me…..uh i have average-for-me confidence and a pretty pessimistic view of women hahahah.

but for like at least a year after a big rejection, my confidence is impacted. adversely.

basically women reject me and become way more successful than me at life hahaha. I have never been rejected by a woman who did not move on to become WAY more successful and make WAY more money than me, regardless of the age difference. 4, 8 years younger than me, they still make more money than me in the current year.

shit coming up on the 3 year anniversary of this Blog. so i was trying to get over the rejection of woman2012 still. I had met That Woman about 6 months before starting this blog. however since me and her never made it to 3 years (only 2.7 hahahahah), then yeah technically this blog is Older. so I see that as a good thing. My ROCK to get me through. something truly long term hahaha.

in late 2012 i was getting attention for my old blog and getting pretty interested in The Movement hahaha. I still am very interested in the movement, but I don’t want to be a public face for the movement, because my emotional instability and neetness makes the movement look bad, and they don’t need that. and i dont want to do that to them, however unintentionally.

I got rejected by woman2012 around that time. I met That Woman around that time. there really was a lot going on! i was working my littleboy job, i bought muh first laptop computer, I visited muh friend in las vegas and rode on a plane. racist on a plane hahahahaha. I remember I listened to some Dr Pierce on the plane.

so rejected in october 2012, i recall I was kind of upset about that, such that I was still upset in may 2013 and started this blog. but in hindsight what i am going through now is 90000000 times worse. I didnt start a new blog but god damn I have a huge buffer of posts hahahaha to keep this blog going for another 6 months even if i stop writing today. which i wont hahahaha.

and obviously i have been talking about mainly that even since it happened! HER! that person and the tragic end of our rel.

she cant deny that it was a relship of sorts. it wasnt a secsy rel but it was a close friendship! she cant deny that. an impartial arbitration firm would prove that. because we had intimate conversations. not surprising that i, having a taste of Intimacy, wanted a little bit more. I didnt expect her to give it to me, but i DID expect that we would bla bla bla communicate about it.

see? dead horse, stale farts, im just feeling the same feelings over and over and over again, running in circles, and this is what I want the MJ for. to erase the mind. there is nothing left for me to learn here. there wasnt much to learn in the first place.

really the PAIN per se is not terrible, but the general lack of confidence is the big problem atm.  im half the man i used to be hahahaha. actually way less than that hahahaa. a 1488th of the man i used to be.  i have absolutely lost my mojo or groove or chutzpah or spark or whatever. not that I had a lot to begin with!

oh no MW is in a state of despair. I think he is just on the verge of a despair mode, after he has experienced some success in life at long last which lifted him out of years of despair.

IMHO what he needs is a real life support system, ideally a 3DPD waifu to cuddle with. or im just saying that because thats what I really want hahaha. did MW have a falling out with adam wallace or something? people saying theres a “split” in the alt right? the alt right is all over the place anyway. was adam wallace speaking out against “the 1488 crowd?” I dont want to put words in adam wallace’s mouth, he seems like a good guy but definitely more arrogant than MW. indeed MW has so much self doubt that it is harmful to him.

now he’s transformed from a neet to a guy who makes 400 dollars a month hahhaha on donations (more than I make!!!!) and he makes very nice videos, and works really hard, too hard IMHO, he is burning out a little.

how does one “PUT IN THE REPS” without BURNING OUT?

well you just go through the emotions and half ass things and hope you are not Found Out and Fired!

or, you half ass things every other day. on Valium Day.

i dunno some jobs you cant do that though, because everything is measured, everything factors into the metrics, so you have to be on point producing high quality and high quantity with no half assing. even when the manager is out, they still see the numbers and the reports regarding your work and its quality and quantity.

well now I have an interview with the post office. city carrier assitant job, 16 bucks an hour, non career position, no guarantee of hours. they just emailed here saying be here at this time 5 days from now, NO RESCHEDULES.

i wonder if post office gives random drug tests. i mean I would probably be driving the little mail truck and delivering to houses. assuming I dont sound autistic during the interview.

well this is the post office downtown for the interview. I hear that post office is 99% nonwhite hahaha. they smoke blunts all day and think whitey is uptight hahaha.

well…. yeah i mean because nothing government agencies do makes any sense. nothing in Regular Companies makes sense either, until you think….this is being done to cut costs. of course even that is done incompetently, remember? so they lose money in the LONG RUN. well, govt is even MORE incompetent, which might be GOOD because it allows me to really COAST and not try hahahahaha.

but yeah I hear this post office is in a real Ghetto area of town where people get shot and robbed just a few blocks away hahaha great. I mean this is a Ghetto City that does not have a great reputation in general.

yeah I know its politically incorrect to say ghetto in reference to poor blacks. but I am somewhat thankful to grow up near a truly Ghetto City, so that I could become Redpilled On Race hahahaha.

of course now middle class white hipsters are moving into the city after college trying to Uplift it and show the evil white flight racists that they are racists for abandoning the city hahahaaha. i thought you were supposed to get more redpilled after you left college and started working in the real world. nope not necessarily. many of 28 year old self-loathing whites trying to uplift ghetto neighborhoods hahaha.

abandoning a city eh, is that like abandoning a person hahaha. maybe what I did to her is the equivalent of a city becoming a violent black ghetto hahahaha.

seventh son makes his first appearance on the fatherland

ie seventh son is one of the big founders of TRS, showing some favor to the underlings here.


so, a big episode for the fatherland in other words. well its a great show tbhfam. really gets to the meaning of the 14 words.

horry sheet MW replied to my comment on his vidya and said thank you to ME. ssssssempai nnnnnoticed me!!!!!!!

so that legitimates my whole blog and life hahahaha. bring in a screen shot of that to all job interviews hahahaha. see this neet alt right youtuber nnnnoticed me hahaha now hire me.


hehehehe is it bad that I havent listened to MW regularly in at least 3 or 4 months, and only heard about this despair video on a post on TRS forum, which I also have scaled way back on?


yeah its a shitty comment and I deleted it like 2 times only to come back with a shitty low effort comment, but I figure it was a case of something shitty was better than nothing hahaha. and now i really get to PAT MYSELF ON THE BACK for morally supporting a good guy hahahahaha.

just like I PAT MYSELF ON THE BACK for donating $6.75 to TRS, even though other men donate $14.88 every single week.

and peter steele says, dont pat yourself on the back for doing works of charity, do something good for someone, and then NEVER TELL ANYONE ABOUT IT.

ok I see their point, and this isn’t a bad thing to do.

I just think its ok to pat yourself on the back once in a while, especially when you dont get a lot of pats on the back IRL from others.

and besides, TRS and MW are truly good causes. not a lot of overhead your money can be wasted on, also no tax benefit for the donator.

i am sure at some point in the future I will do something nice for somebody and not brag about it hahaha.  but I am simply not that secure yet. let me get some good feelies out of this at least! its like I get to cuddle with 3dpd aryan innocent waifu to boost my morale that way!

its either bragging about charity or smoking MJ. which is more degen hahahahaha.

anyway i should go for a little powerwalk outside.

ok did that, burned 410 calories? not bad. didnt even jog once, got some sun, it was 70 degrees.  hopefully got some vitamin d, finished previous episode of fatherland.

its really COZY or COMFY, you know the pepe meme where he is wrapped up in a blanket drinking hot cocoa with a roaring fire and its is just very comfy.


oh god this is great. proud comfy neets openly hating on WAGECUCKS or as he calls them, WAGIES. hey WAGIE whatcha doin? goin to WORK to make more money for bossman hahahaha. omg.


for posterity

anyway that had to be done by a good guy, there are schlomo merchant memes in there as well. hilarious.


archive.is does a little better job with the format

portrays neets as alpha males who are banging wagie’s wimmin while they are at work like pathetic wagecucks hahaha getting cucked by alpha NEETs hahahaha. so ridiculous.

anyway MW needs something like this, he is too stressed. sometimes you need to get comfy. yeah I REALLY wanted to get comfy with That Woman. Cuddling with your waifu would EASILY qualify as TOP comfy. but thank GOD there are other ways to get comfy too. like smoking tons of MJ and listening to the fatherland. and when MW is not despairing, he is pretty COMFY too.





112 days NIC (not initiate contact ie email), 146 since i last talked to hcr and shit hit fan. ok.

switching back to coffee from tea here. 6 scoops.

eli the im not sure what he is computer guy talks about getting in good Mental Health, a decent talk from a charismatic guy who has given me better training than my tech-related job, and is a great resource when you are thrown to the wolves in a tech related job and have no idea what you are doing.

but yeah he is an energetic “aspie” who does not seem to be affected by despair or anxiety, he is just on a different level. but i say take the big pharma plutocrat poison if it helps you even a little bit.

but his wife got cancer at a young age and thankfully they apparently had the insurance to deal with that. i would just give up! but now she cannot have children, and eli always wanted children, so this is a big deal for him. for them! maybe she really wanted children too! why wouldnt she? most women probably want children and i cant blame them! its very natural!

anyway now he is turning down work so he can go hiking in the wilderness and deal with that issue hehehe.

he also drinks 80 ounces of coffee a day without shitting his pants constantly and freaking out, so i am jealous of that. i wish i could drink like 20 ounces of coffee without shitting my pants hahahaha.

heh you would think being abandoned is something men do to women more. they probably do.

im not sure shes a NARCISSIST but abandoning someone like this is a very narcissistic thing to do.

silent treatment is different than a COOLING OFF PERIOD

because after the cooling off period they eventually come back and talk to you.

i kinda wanted to let her know this was WRONG, you cant DO this to people EVER, i was DEVASTATED when she did this to me.

then i thought, well shes not gonna respond; i still wanna get together with her; still luv her; AND she might say “WELL THATS YOUR FAULT. YOU DIDNT HAVE TO BE SO HURT. DONT GET FEELINGS SO HARD AND FAST. NOT MY PROBLEM. WE DIDNT ACTUALLY DATE, YOU CLINGY NEEDY PSYCHO.”

wihtout recognizing that that is irrelevant, you still dont do this to poeple, and SHE OUGHTTA KNOW.

hehehe you outta know, i am alanis morisette.

only i am not a degenerate who sucks off guys and drinks loads in a public theatre hahahahaha

well she can prob figure out that its wrong to give someone the silent treatment like this…..

shit i might go for an outdoor walk, just for 1 hour though.

anyway the CONSENSUS of REASONABLE PEOPLE would say you dont end ANY kind of relationship, even a Friendship on the Outs, by avoidng and ignoring the other person; and especially continuing to ignore them when they BEG you to respond to the them. the consensus of common sense is, this SPEAKS VOLUMES abotu THEM, not YOU. mainly that they are a weak coward who cant face life hahahaha. they are telling you they are nowhere NEAR mature enough to be in a rel with you.


also i wanted to say that 8chan/pol moans abotu WOESY being a degenerate because of his gay past and technical Bisexuality. they just dont care that he is anti gay degeneracy and that he is probably MORE hetero than homo.


or…..to put the focus on the behavior: promiscuity in hetero women is way more degenerate than gay sex.

in other words, neoreactionaries are quick to condemn f4ggots as degenerate and i am sure many gays certainly are, with their glory holes and standard fook parties and g4y 4n41 fisting and such, but what about the loving nonpromiscuous monogamous gays hahahaha.

the point is, the most DANGEROUS and PREVALENT form of degeneracy is Average MOdern women SLUTTING IT UP in their 20s. this happens WAYYYYYY more and is WAYYYY more destructive than gay men being gay. theres simply not that MANY gays or gay sex.


yet women dont understand this! women, have have the BIGGER risks than men for secs, dont understand the way their own bodies work! you have to mansplain their own bodies to them! this is so frustrating and makes them seem so dumb and infantile!!!!!

shit i could be DEAD for all she knows. we might have been on the outs, but didnt she care enough about me to know if i was DEAD or not? that hurts.

i would never do this to someone. even if i wanted to break someone elses heart but couldnt. i wouldnt just break any persons heart as a substitute!

if i knew the person for 2 and half years and they were so upset they quit our mutual job, i would Reach Out to them (fook i hate that term) and say “come on. lets work this out. i dont want you to quit your job because of me. we can figure this out. lets talk about it and try to get along with each other. dont quit your job. thats a big deal. lets work together here. lets dialogue” hahahaha. ”

dont quit your job because of me, dont k yourself because of me, dont self destruct because of me hahahahahha

nope. absolutely no concern for me. like i say i could be DEAD for all she knows. would she even care?

maybe she would, maybe she wouldnt. she probably would a little but wouldnt express it even if i begged her to. then she would know i wasnt dead hahahaha.

file this under being treated humanely and respectfully,like a human being. you dont have to love me. just act like you care that im not dead.

woooaaaaahoaaaaaaaa ahm still alive whoooaaaawhoooaaaa

now i understand this song hahaha. im not dead, im still alive. same as her! heh it would hae been easier if she just K’d me. cuz damn i am still alive. i am alive as FOOK but i feel like the living dead.

slutty women are HARMFUL TO SOCIETY AS A WHOLE. makes it more chaotic and degenerate. increases fatherlessness.

male promiscuity is nothing to encourage, but female promiscuity is way more harmful. also, if we stop female promiscuity, then male promiscuity wil be stopped as a result. you cant have male promiscuity wihtout female promiscuity.

sex is something that women HAVE that men WANT. essentially sex is synonymous with Vag, NOT with P33n0r.

and WOMEN dont understand this. but they dont NEED to understand it, thats still how they operate.

its not a risk that can be removed by society. (well, it can be DISCOURAGED by society!). meaning, womens NATURAL REPORDUCTIVE ROLE is to be the CARRIER OF CHILDREN; and men are the depositers of sperm. this is the way its ALWAYS been, and its NEVER GONNA CHANGE.


so women can pretend they are the same as men and go out and fook promiscuously………that doesnt change a DAMN thing about those roles. they can STILL get pregnant, men never will. you dont even NEED to attach morality to it (although I certainly like to!!!!!!!!!) even from a totally amoral, utilitarian, total utility to society, the greater good type of standpoint, women slutting it up is NOT GOOD. and SHOULD be shamed and judged.

hahahaha maybe i am just reading the worst articles, and then the WORST sluts come out and comment on them.

maybe normal, average women DO understand this, their reproductive role, which is a fancy way of saying, women get pregnant, men impregnate them, so if youre a woman, BE EXTRA CAREFUL.

but among progressive, educated, middle class j00 york times readers……common sense is not so common.

did a 3 mile walk, 1 hour, not bad. good to do in the middle of the day hahaha. will of course go back to Fat Club later tonight.

I saw a guy at the Club i vaguely know. i know him but he doesnt know me really. he was really friendly and everybody loved him because he was awesome and nice and smart and probably a good mentor and role model.  he enjoys his job and enjoys life and was well respected at his job. instructor of business & marketing ok. he probably has an MBA, you gotta have a masterz degree to become even a part time (“adjunct”, ie 90% of all instructors) instructor.

well you say hes a loser because he is teaching at a loser college, is what people from muh oven middle class j00niversity would say. thank god i dont believe that classist crap any more hahahaha.

anyway he might recognize me if i went up to him, but i have been avoiding him, because i would say, welp, i left old job 2 years ago, then went to a higher paying “better” job, but i quit that because i am mentally unstable and couldnt handle it, and now am at rock bottom and have no goals and no prospects, who would hire a loser like me, all jobs suck, and mah medz and shrink arent really working hahahahaha.

but he was the nicest guy. i couldnt believe someone could be successful and respected, without being a cutthroat asshole. and his area was BUSINESS of all things. well, marketing. but marketing is business hahahaha.


interesting article on the Value Of Work hahahaha

well i started a job at age 16  but it was an easy job and i didnt learn much about life and did not get tough or masculine hahaha. i almost wish i had been Forced to work fast food, retail, restaurant, or really a honest mans manual labor job like carpenter or mason or something.

it really does NOT feel good to be a huge loser!

shit when will i ever make 15 bucks an hour again. cant believe i couldnt handle a woman.

couldnt handle my EMOTIONS. 30+ years old and cant handle my emotions!

well better go back to fatclub.


oh when will those bigoted white males ever learn: punching UP is funny. punching DOWN is NOT funny. NOT ok. talk abotu missing the point.

2 minute exaholics video about your partner just vanishing without a word. nothing new here but its always good to hear other people say it: its their fault not yours hahaha.

ghosting, narcissists, decent vidya by a female TheRapist/AnalRapist hahahaha. no i liked this video and dont mean to make fun of her. even if she is probably a feminist lesbian hippie, not usually my preferred type of person hahaha.

but shes got a lot of videos about narcissists and rels, so i subbed hahahaha.

hehehe maybe i was the narcissist because i didnt want her to abandon me hahahaha.

in order to not be a narcissist, you have to want your loved ones to abandon youhahahaha

heh i think near the end she was really showing some Narcissistic traits like Blameshifting and Avoiding but i dont think she was a real narcissist. she was under a lot of stress and was completely emotionally unavailable to me and acted in some narcissistic ways at that time. but when things were good, she was so kind and caring and selfless she could not possibly be a real narcissist. but i wish she was better at communicating with me. you can be stressed and emotionally unavail, and still communicate.

she communicated with others. but she was invested in them, she loved them.


she could have still communicated with me even if she was not in love with me.

write an email perhaps. or one text hahahaha. or have her family or friends contact me and say shes sorry about all this.

113 days since IC ahahah. initiating contact. days NIC. 147 days since i talked to her. maybe 145 days since ive SEEN her hahaha.

she didnt always give me the silent treatment. she was just distant and made excuses not to hang out, but she still talked to me and was someone nice to me. when she started giving the official silent treatment, i totally lost it immediately. i snapped.

i guess if it were a real cooling off period, she would have eventually responded to my emails, or responded to that one after 1 month of not seeing her.

but yeah it wasnt always silent treatment. once silent treatment started, i FLIPPED OUT IMMEDIATELY. that sucked. wish i hadnt done that.

i didnt really like this one cuz she blamed the man for “forcing” his wife to become distant and kiss another man. and she thinks that silent tretment occurs because you are CRITICIZING them and they dont like it so they give you silent treatment.

i dont think i was criticizing, i was just saying im worried, we dont communicate, we dont hang out, i dont want us to be distant, i dont want to lose you, please lets work on this.

i wanted to talk, she didnt want to talk.

i wanted to try to work on the rel, she didnt want to try.


what, do i just say, ok i’ll manage my expectations, and no longer want you to talk about problems.

theres no middle ground here. either you talk, even a litle bit, or you dont.

i guess talking a LITTLE BIT would be the compromise. because then you could have a short, shitty talk which doesnt get to the root of the problem, then she can say OK I TALKED, YOU HAPPY????? and you would say no because it was a short shitty talk that didnt address anything. which probably would be the type of talk we would have had.

this is why i like writing emails, because you can say everything you want to say. of course they dont have to read or respond to everything! they can ignore the more important things! like when i sandwiched important things in with small talk. she would respond ONLY to the small talk and ignore the big talk. and these were not long emails, they were just little chats at work.

obsess abotu woman during the day, obsess abotu jobs and jow useless and skillless and valueless i am durng the other parts of the day. never get a job for an adult man. if i do, not be TOUGH enough to WITHSTAND, and quit like a sensitive phaggy weak millennial sissy whos afraid of work.

did a 3 miler in the cold, try to to a 7-8 miler later tonight at fatclub.

anyway i dont think she is a true narcissist. the 2 gurls i psuedodated were more narcissistic, although they caused me less hurt (in the long run hahaha) and dumped me nicer.

she was taking a page from the narcissists cookbook, ie silent treatment and stonewalling and passive aggressive and ghosting are definitely typical textbook classic narcissist things. but i honestly dont think she was a narcissist, as much as she was overwhelmed and cowardly and Avoidant.

so shes very close with her mom. she could have her MOM email or text me. i would accept that as an apology.

but shes probably convinced her mom that i am as big of a creep as her deadbeat father hahahaha.

abandonment issues. i dont get the hate. PEOPLE HAVE ABANDONMENT ISSUES BECAUSE ABANDONMENT IS HORRIBLY PAINFUL. you are RIGHT to have an issue about it. it sucks and shouldnt be held against someone. unless it’s directly causing issues in your rel. like they jsut dont believe you would never abandon them, so they never trust you, and go and cheat on you hahahaha. i laugh but you know this happens a lot! you pushed me to cheat on you because i didnt trust you! even though you never did anything to show you were untrustworthy. or you did one little thing they RATIONALIZED as an excuse not to trust you. like you worked late one day! oh that settles it hes cheating on me! so its ok if i cheat on him! cuz he wasnt trustworthy!

in that case i migth mention abndonment issues as being a bad thing.

but yeah abandonment is bad and rightly causes issues.

and people need to communicate with each other to deal with issues.

anyway i just feel completely emasculated re jobs. i cant do any jobs, i cant handle the stress, i cant handle the abuse, and this is only if im LUCKY enough to get a shit job.

well fact is, I did my previous job, which was shitty, BUT there PLENTY of jobs that are just as if not more shitty, plus teh pay was not shitty.

i can see what gavin mcinnes was trying to say in that takis article above, but reading stuff like that does not boost my confidence.

what would boost my confidence is actually DOING a job like that and surviving.

basically in the current year you have to bribe your coworkers to train you how to do your job. I will pay 10 dollars for your goddam lunch if you can train me on my job during lunch. i will pay you 20 bucks if you come over after/before your shift for an hour to explain things to me and teach me things.

and this is just ridiculous. i used to study work stuff while at home so as to try to teach myself things…….but it really helps to have a teacher, just to check your work, just to give you the thumbs up and say “YEP YOURE UNDERSTANDING IT CORRECTLY.”  or, GOD WILLING, to give some god damn insight of their own, in explaining how and why.

fooking help me, tell me if im doing it right, so i can look like i know what im doing in front of the customer.

i HATE being left to look incompetent in front of a customer.

ok i took that as in a “tell me about a weakness and how you fixed it” interview question, and put it in my classic glorious interview file:

“I used to get FLUSTERED because I felt I was being left to look incompetent in front of clients, always saying, I don’t know, but let me find out for you, then put them on hold, and come back 5 to 10 minutes later with an unsatisfactory explanation. I improved this weakness by learning how to ask better questions of my callers, and also when asking for help. I needed to be detailed and clear with my level 2’s in order to get more satisfactory answers from them.  I realized the responsibility was on me: I could only get explanations that were as good as the information I supplied them. I also I would go back and study the case and the relevant documentation after my shift so that I understood the issue and its impacted systems, fully, before the start of my next shift. ”

shit bitch. hahahaha. beat that. bribe bitches to train you on your job. because you cant ask questions abotu your job during your shift, because youre supposed to be doing your job. and you cant ask questions of other people during their shifts, cuz theyre supposed to be doing THEIR job. not TRAINING you hahahaha.

i would be and i HAVE BEEN a great TRAINER in the past. I would HELP people, i was HAPPY to help people, cuz i know how I needed help, and i appreciated the help i got, and i knew how hard good help was to get, but it didnt ahve to be that way. so i gave great help quite a bit. people would go to the official help channels and get crapped on or ignored or led astray. i would say just do this, and just tell them this, this is the bullshit article to use which supposedly explains it, but it doesnt, so just come up with a bullshit story inspired by this article.

well sometimes people were tired or moody or tired of answering phones for 60 hours a week and could not create a bullshit story on the fly.

this wasnt a mind numbing thing where you could just turn you mind off for 8, 10, 12 hours a day. your mind had to be switched ON, and then when you survived to the end of a shift, you wanted to OBLITERATE your mind with drugs and alcohol, because it was spinning with trying to make sense out of stupid technical problems.

it was like doing hard math problems all day, on stuff you didnt really know, but your callers thought you should know, with shitty help, and no one was willing or able to check your work, so you were never sure you did shit right, until they called back and said the shit was broken again, but you would not get that call, and it would be impossible to prove if you didnt do the shit right, OR the shit just broke again, OR if it was different shit breaking but they thought it was the same.

this is the shit i found myself in because of her hahahaha.  i never would have been in that stupid job because of her.

BUT OTOH, she Helped Me Grow, because i really needed a new, more serious job. and she arguably pushed me out of my comfort zone, helped me improve as a person. helped me grow.

then pulled the rug from underneath me.

i dont necessarily regret the job. i regret meeting her hahahaha. but the job did teach me good skills. but what good are the skills if they dont help me get hired?

or if you can only get a worse job.

dat feel when you are moving down in your career over time hahahaha. i just threw away at least 8 years of my life. now i am about 15 years behind people of my age hahahahahahaha but its true haha.

well maybe only 12 or so. but at least 10 o god. not a good feel!

thats why i like women that are at least 8 years younger !

i did find a woman who is 39 or 40 who is very attractive. she aged very well. i wont say her name but she is a not quite yet internet famous writer. but she really should be married and have at least 3 kids by now. at age 39 and 40…..i mean you cant even have healthy kids with that, which makes me sad for her. she might have been a good mother. but seriously why ISNT she married with kids? which makes me think she might be a little CRAY CRAY. dumping guys, sabotaging rels, a little chad carousel mayhaps. doesn’t matter if she has some hawt right-wing views.

but yeah i would bury myself so deep in her that who ever could pull me out would be crowned king arthur hahahaha.

same as with That Woman. BECAUSE I loved her above all other women, therefore I also wanted to bang her more than any other woman!

are you ALL IN, or only 60% in?

are you 100% sure you want them and only them? or only 50%?

ask yourself these questions. i was 100% in for her.

its fine that she wasnt in even 1% for me. SHE COULDA BEEN NICER. SHE COULDA TAKEN FIVE MINUTES TO WRITE A NOTE: sorry this isnt gonna work out, i cant do this, youre a good person, i appreciate our friendship, but i cant go forward the way you want. im sorry. i give you my best wishes.

just 2 sentences would have saved me MONTHS of pain. easily.

talk about a return on investment!!!

maybe IM a narcissist! i AM pretty selfish i admit, but i HOPE im not a narcissist!

heh according to the one question narcissist test, i am. hahaha but that is bullshit.

Quiz: Are You A Narcissist?

on this quiz i got way below average. and average was below narcissist.

wow a shitty article by hip millennial feminist laurie penny on the rape accusations on hip millennial feminist degenerate porn actor james deen being a rapist, is current the NUMBER ONE article on time.com hahaha.

once laurie penny responded directly to millennial woes, who is teased cuz he wants to bang her, she told him no youre not my type hahahaha;  and once millennial woes responded directly to me when i first discovered him over a year ago and said good work lad and he said thank you to me.

this means i am famous hahahaha i am a narcissist.

well MW is a handsome man and laurie penny is an ugly “MUNTER” so she should be greatful. well shes not as ugly as lena dunham. so i am desperate enough that i would bang laurie penny. consensually of course hahaha. no im not a fooking RAPIST and i REFUSE men are as bad as these feminist COWS say we are!

anyway her star is on the rise and she is about as big as a young “journalist” can be. and her stuff is absolute poison. she is already in the middle class mainstream and i can see the Smarter College Gurls really loving her and her babykilling bullshit hahahaha. i wasted 10 minutes reading her twitter and was poisoned by bullshit and degeneracy hahaha.

well THAT WOMAN was not a disgusting feminist like this. i dont think. i would have liked to have some deeper conversations with her about these things. i caught her reading jezebel a couple times and i mansplained to her, you know you shouldnt read that because its man hating feminist marxist poison right? its pure evil, dont read it please! she just said lol and did not respond to these specifics. i honestly think she honestly thought it was just a fun thing to read, like buzzfeed and gawker………….without realizing the HORRIBLE political and moral underpinnings of this poison. i think many Millennials do this. its just fun stuff to read for people who like reading ANY kind of news or opinion. hey at least they like to read anything, they could just do instagram and snapchat and shit all day and have no interest in the world!

like youre young and you read it cuz its hip and edgy and geared towards the young. but you dont clearly understand that its insane leftist sjw marxist degenerate poison. you dont fully understand left and right yet. or you say its all the same hahahaha. and become a gayass libertarian atheist fedora neckbeard. no. any thinking person SHOULD eventually end up on the RIGHT hahaha.

although i would be very in favor if Restricting Free Trade if it meant Making American Great Again hahahaha. and then i would get a sweet 15 DAHJ building american made tvs or some shit hahaha.

as a neoreactionary, i believe there are higher values than the economic.

such as human dignity, and nationalism hahahaha. and women not being horrible whores hahaha.

you could even be a fedora atheist and agree that WOMEN BEING PROMISCUOUS IS BAD FOR SOCIETY. it leads to increased violence; more thuggish behavior from men; more chaos and disorder and instability; more fatherlessness; more heartbreak; more broken homes and bad families and bastard kids.






Percival5 has just posted a reply to a topic that you have subscribed to titled “30 And Hopelessly Alone”.
“It’s not that you don’t matter. People tell me I’m good-looking. I work out regularly and am in pretty good shape with a decent physique. I am pretty smart by my own judgment, and have had professors when I was at school tell me I was. I play guitar and sing. I’m 24 years old, and I’m also a virgin. I’ve been kissed exactly once, and only ever been rejected and told I was too clingy/fragile.

I know I matter and I know I have a lot to offer. But I’m still right there with you feeling that I don’t, and that I’m worthless, because no one has ever held me and kissed me and told me “I love you.” It’s awful. The lack of physical intimacy is something that just makes my heart sink, like a rock, every time I think about it.

It’s really hard–I know because it took me years to even start to figure out how to do it–but you have to focus on yourself. Not entirely, just mostly. Better yourself. I’m not going to say don’t think about finding a relationship. It might help motivate you if you see it as a goal. I’m also not going to say you don’t need it; I’m not going to tell you you don’t need someone to tell you “I love you” and hold you to make you feel worth something. The people who will tell you that have never known what it’s like to have never known that feeling. But they’re right that it’s not everything.

So much of the loneliness, at least for me, is self-pity and just hopelessness. You have to find some way to get confident. Try to take some risks. Get outside your comfort zone. I know for so many people (I blame our public school system and the general humiliatory conformicism of society, frankly) have just been so traumatized by social blunders. But that’s probably the main thing holding you back. It may never be something you completely overcome, but hardly any great artist or thinker went through life without experiencing the same. It’s a curious sort of irony in life that the really valuable people tend to feel the most worthless.

You’re not worthless. Just the fact that you feel you are makes you worth something to me. It makes me feel a little less alone, and moreover it makes me proud. I hope this makes you feel even a little less alone too. ”

great post by percival on a good thread. i immediately gave his reply a like.


yeah i had to type that whole thing in caps.

when you have feelings for someone, you DO kind of NEED them, more than you need other people. thats kinda what Special Feelings are.

PEOPLE SHOULD BE MORE EMPATHETIC and REALIZE this, when somebody has one sided feelings for them. they arent being CLINGY, they just have FEELINGS. its NORMAL.


This is especially frustrating when you have SEX with the girl, and then she dumps you for getting clingy, or getting feelings. well SORRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYY for believing that sex is something special that should be shared by people who have FEELINGS towards each other. god damn I hate the anything goes, if it feels good do it, mercenary attitude towards sex.

tell btiches im a virgin because I treat sex with the REVERENCE it deserves, so I only have sex with people I’m in a committed long term relationship with. So I dont have much sex then, becuase most women want to have sex in the short term and dont treat sex with the reverence it deserves. strange, that, considering they’re the ones who can get pregnant. I’ve had to TURN DOWN sex from many irreputable sluts as a consequence. hahahaha.

this cocky speech will be sure to cure you of your virginity hahahahaha.

or better yet, dont tell women you are a virgin, then bang them, then give them that speech right AFTER youve banged them, telling them you have no respect for how they treat their uterus, but you were so damn hard up and desperate for any attention that you’d debase yourself with a common whore hahahahahaha.

no i dont hate women, i just hate that they abuse and defile their Natural Role so Casually, by having secs with men they dont know or luv, just because ITS FUN. IF IT FEELS GOOD DO IT. that shit makes me want to puke. and to think that the woman you LOVE, is brainwashed and poisoned like that. no thank you. it takes you a YEAR to get over her dumping you, and in that year, she’s been with 12 new guys at least. hahahaha. and when i say “been with,” i mean fooked. increased her Number by 12. at least.

i respect her woman who treats her own body with the respect that her Father would, if she had a good protective strong Father, which most women DONT, tragically. if you are a good father, you protect and guard your daughter’s honor. HOPEFULLY she “internalizes” some of that and begins to be as vigilant and guarded about her own body, and starts to understand what her father was on about.




this is a new edgelord way of writing things that might even be better than





well both styles are awesome, so i guess just always use both.

the best color of shirt to wear when getting embarrasingly sweaty because you are a fat potato and have a very hairy chest and belly, is black.

come on. i just got FEELINGS for you. is that such a god damn CRIME? fine i can see how youd get annoyed at that, but the MATURE person would say, oh someone is getting one sided feelings for me. i know from experience how much that sucks. i better handle this discreetly and maturely. i might feel annoyed sometimes, but this is a fact of life that sometimes people get one sided feelings. its happened to me before. and it suuccccckkkkksssss and it hurts.

i didnt CHEAT on her or ABUSE her or ABANDON her. i just like liked her. and she thought that was reason enough to HATE me and cut me off and throw me away like garbage.


come on. i know for a FACT that she has had one sided luv. so why couldnt she relate to what i was going through?

probably because she had a lot on her plate and couldnt think straight. i know i have been in that situation, especially at that ridiculous job. but i could still write emails on weekends hahahahah.

but yeah. i was desperate to have her stay. i would have changed myself for her! probably too much. i would have gotten an online mba degree for her to stay hahahahahah. i would have lost like 40 pounds if she would stay. i would have bent over backwards and gone to the ends of the earth, and moved heaven and earth for her! yet none of that was good enough for her. she would rather just LEAVE. i would do ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING for her, she wouldnt do a damn THING for me. so yeah, the rel was DOOMED because we wanted different things from each other.

5 miles a day is too little. 12 miles a day is a little too much. the midpoint bewteen these is therefore 8.5 miles. walk 8.5 miles a day. 6 days a week. this is about 4800 calories. that is over 1 pound, less than 2 pounds.

did i paste my Depression Forums Profile yet?


[edit may 4 2016: i added even more to this in the meantime so this depression forums bio is now up to date as of today. insanely long hahaha.]

About Me
Yes, I have been a member since 2006! But I am much more a lurker than a poster and can go years without posting.

MARCH 2016:

Back after an almost 8-Year Hiatus!!!!

It would be a neat idea if members of this forum produced “Original Content” especially Podcasts for the community to listen to. Basically, forum people could Skype or call or conference each other for an hour or 2 or 3 and record fun conversations for everybody to listen to. I really like podcasts and hearing people talk. You could share stories of depression, despair, anxiety, loss, failure, heartbreak, struggle, sorrow, etc, and allow your own personality and interests to shine, while also trying to make an interesting program, with an eye towards living with and overcoming depression, and living good lives. Theoretically, I would be very willing to participate in such a podcast, but not right now, haha. I am a member of some forums that are very active and they produce lots of podcasts. You can then listen to the podcasts at your leisure. In the car, bus, train, at night, walking around, at the gym, in the forest, with your friends and family, listen to fun and rewarding podcasts instead of dulling your mind with television, UGH. haha. Just THINK ABOUT IT. DF PODCASTS. Can be done very autonomously by anyone who wants to. Only thing I would caution about, is having a decent microphone so your voice sounds clear. You can and probably should remain anonymous of course. I would certainly want to!

Still trying to get over my devastating events of 2015, loss of “loved one” and loss of job, something of an emotional breakdown, absolute destruction of all confidence. The loved one was a woman I liked who rejected me in a pretty bad way. She was more than a random woman, but an actual friend I had been friends with for over 2 years. As our friendship grew in depth and closeness and “intimacy”, I developed more-than-friends feelings for her. Because those were based on what I felt was deep mutual trust and knowing each other, the feelings were pretty deep and I thought she was “The One.” Obviously, this type of thing complicates a friendship, and I wanted to talk and communicate with her about it. At this time, she began avoiding me and always having excuses for not hanging out. We used to hang out regularly, now it was always excuses. I didn’t want to be pushy….but I ended up being pushy anyway. I should have just been ASSERTIVE and said “THIS ENDS NOW” and said WE NEED TO TALK, but I am more passive aggressive, less assertive. Not a good way to be with the ladies, hahaha. This pattern continued for 10 months and I was upset she couldn’t even put aside 2 hours to hang out with me outside of work and talk. We used to hang out! Also her excuses were somewhat legit and not really dishonest. She wasn’t dishonest, she was just a classic conflict AVOIDER. I’m the same way partially, but this I couldn’t avoid. She, however, had no incentive to deal with it, whereas I did. She just wanted to ignore it and hope it would go away. I wanted to put in my bet and get a solid yes or no. It was looking like a no, but she would rather avoid saying it. OK, I can understand. I was also sending verbal signals and pretty clear signs like “we have been friends for a long time and I appreciate you more and more the longer we’ve known each other, and I would like to continue to get closer to you and spend more time with you this year. you are very important to me and I am very thankful for you” etc etc. I think she successfully interpreted what that meant and then was scared by my feelings because she clearly didn’t feel the same way.

Anyway, over 10 months it built to a boiling point and she stopped talking to me altogether. Wouldn’t respond to my texts anymore, pretended I didn’t’ exist. This was not the way I wanted our almost 3-year relationship to end. I freaked out and quit the job we both worked at. We were friends BEFORE we both got this job in late 2013, we weren’t “just work friends” but that’s what it seemed she wanted us to become. I wrote her 3 long emails explaining my side of the story, my feelings, spelled it all out for her, begged her to respond, but she didn’t respond at all.

I felt like I was thrown away like a piece of garbage. For a long time, I blamed myself for “making her do this” and pushing her away from me. Like I betrayed her by getting feelings for a friend. She wouldn’t talk or respond to me AT ALL. And I didn’t want to be a “weirdo” and bombard her with messages. I felt I kept the messages to a non-weirdo level, but I did send 3 long emails over the course of 1 month.

I just wanted her to acknowledge my feelings, to care about my feelings, and to show concern about an important relationship in both our lives for almost 3 years. I wanted her to tell me this friendship mattered to her and that it hurt her too, that the friendship had to be over. I know at one time I was an important friend to her. I just don’t like being thrown away, I didn’t feel like I was treated like a human being, it was a huge devastated heartbreaking disappointment.

Total lack of closure altogether. I have NO IDEA what she was thinking or feeling. I have TONS of unanswered questions that will never BE answered because she won’t talk to me. I felt abandoned, given up on, thrown away, like she bailed and gave up on me. When you want to get out of a relationship, at least TELL the other person. Write me an email at least. I wrote you long emails and explained as fully as I could what I was feeling. Try to do the same for me. Just show me a LITTLE mercy and kindness and appreciate that this hurts me. Care about me and my broken heart hahahaha.

Our job was super stressful, basically involved trying to fix and explain things you don’t really understand, to anxious callers with strange technical problems. You never felt confident or competent. Always put on the spot and overwhelmed. the sense of being an impostor that didn’t really know how to do your own job. Fix and explain something you’ve never seen before. Show no weakness, you’re supposed to be the expert. Be familiar with 100000000000 different technical things and be prepared to explain them on the spot. Be an expert tutor for classes you’ve never taken before. Be an expert in things you’ve never learned. It was the best money I’ve ever made in my life but I hated it. I was also upset my performance was affected by her, her being there. I was upset she could manage her emotions better and deal with the job better, and ultimately I was too WEAK to hold down the job, while she continues to succeed there, make more money, her life is not affected at all, but mine is turned upside down.

I just wanted her to COMMUNICATE with me like a mature adult and help end an important relationship in a kind, caring way. Show me the kindness that she USED to show me when we were friends. NOT just avoid, block, ignore, abandon, give up, bail out, and “ghost” me. This is a mind-boggling and just insane way to be dumped. I will never do this to someone.

My conclusion is that she is just that conflict-avoidant. She doesn’t hate me, she doesn’t feel betrayed by me, she probably does value me as a once-important friend….but this was pure fight or flight, and she chose flight. There was no incentive for her to do the mature thing here. Just push it under the rug. Ignore it and hope it goes away. Let the drowning person drown. Get rid of the problem. If you could perform an abortion on a relationship, that’s what it seemed symbolic of.

But it was important to me to know that she didn’t HATE me, that she didn’t feel BETRAYED by me, and that she valued me and valued our friendship. I will never get answers here though I was tempted to contact her. But a month after it all went down, I stopped sending emails and went No Contact altogether. That was a struggle but I kept to it. I wanted her to contact me, but she never did. Indeed, now I’m tempted to contact mutual people to try to learn if she told them anything about what happened because I don’t want other people getting only her side of the story…..whatever that may be.

It was just a horrible, horrible ending to one of the most important relationships I’d had in many years. I had never gotten feelings for a female friend before. I also hadn’t had a female friend in years. And I hadn’t been friends with a woman for this long term. Usually by almost 3 years, we drift away mutually. Not here hahaha.

I wish I had been more assertive and proactive, but I REALLY wish she had shown a little COURAGE in dealing with this. Now I worry that all women are simply not mature enough to handle situations like this. Which I know is false. I’ve been dumped in better ways than this before!

All I needed was a standard, “Awwwwwww! I’m sorry, but I just don’t feel that way! You’re a good person, though!”

But she RAN AWAY from me and I had no idea what she was really thinking or feeling, and I never will.

The job was so stupid and stressful and I wanted to get out of there anyway. It was damaging to the emotional health hahaha. And so was she. I could handle both separately, but not both TOGETHER. I was angry that the JOB came between us. If we didn’t work together every day, I would have handled BOTH situations much better. but there was a definite synergy here in the worst possible way, haha.

Now I have been jobless for about 8 months, haven’t contacted her in 7 months, kind of plateauing on her, starting to get over it, but still pretty butthurt, and feel I will never meet another woman I have feelings for. I feel she is The Last One. I feel I will always be comparing other women to her, how we used to get along so well, and how I liked her so much, was willing to commit to her wholeheartedly. I figure it will take at least another year for me to become emotionally available. I don’t want other women, I want her. I would still “take her back” if she came to me and apologized.

Who QUITS THEIR JOB over something like this? But it’s possible something else would have pushed me to quit the job too. But I am angry because, after a year on the job, I was finally starting to get the hang of it and show real competence and confidence. How do normal people deal with the reality of “sink or swim” practice of job “training”? The confusion and uncertainty were maddening.

So now I feel super underconfident in doing other jobs: this is NORMAL for jobs to not train you! how do you DEAL with pressure and uncertainty and making quick decisions when you don’t really know what you are doing, and manage to survive long enough, for months, until you finally DO start to know what you are doing?

Also, employers will rightfully view me as UNSTABLE. When your Emotional Instability starts to really affect your Working Life, hahaha. It’s AMAZING how DIFFICULT it is just to be a normal working-class adult and hold down a job like a responsible, healthy, normal, average adult. I’ve never really been able to do it. Same with relationships with women. I am definitely the marrying type and the fathering type, I would really like to be married and have children, but I am NOT EVEN CLOSE. Also, I don’t want to have children with somebody unless I Really Love and am Committed to them. Kinda like how I was with my woman friend. There was no on the fence. No one foot out the door (well, not for me.) No, well let’s give this a try and see what happens. I was ALL IN. My mind was set on a lifelong commitment.

And it’s stupid I think more about HER than I do about getting a new job. But I have been getting better with the job search. But the next job I get, I HAVE to stay at for at least a YEAR, even if it’s even WORSE. Don’t want to look like a job hopper. And I am terrified of being put into situations where I have to face customers and clients and I don’t know what I am doing, because The New Normal is for companies to not train their employees because it costs too much money. And then people b!!ch at you when you make mistakes OR ask for help. The F’n New Guy. What a M0R0N.

BTW the profile picture refers to “Pepe the frog” and “tendies.” Google pepe and tendies memes to understand haha. Pepe is a meme frog which can be used in many situations. Tendies is a NEET meme (google neet hahaha) referring to neet L0sers who are too lazy and spoiled to get a job and they just live at home their whole lives and never grow up, never develop into adults, and if they earn enough “good boy points” by emptying their Pee Bottles and leaving the house, then their Mommy makes their 30-year-old virgin L0ser son some Chicken Tendies. YUMMMMM! Neets often have Depression and Anxiety and read /r9k/ on 4chan and 8chan and share pathetic tales of despair, being a 30 year old unemployable virgin. It’s a pathetic life. Some neets legit enjoy not being “wagecucks” and they enjoy watching anime all day. I just want to be a productive adult and have a 3D waifu hahaha. I don’t like anime. But it’s so difficult to convince companies to hire me and so hard to convince women that I am Cool Enough to Hang Out With. I’m tired of always having to Prove myself, and then having my argument not be persuasive enough, so I don’t get the job or the woman. I do not deal with rejection well hahaha. Also, I am just tired of being rejected over and over. I think you need a little success once in a while to keep you going. But it is demoralizing to go many years without gainful employment, and to go many many years without an Intimate Relationship. I hope it doesn’t leave permanent damage, but it certainly does decrease your confidence and make you less attractive to both employers and women.

I am actually a good/great employee, and a good/great friend, and would be a great partner to the right woman, but I feel like people don’t give me a fair CHANCE. Well, nobody said life is FAIR hahahaha. You have to assertively demand that people give you a chance. And 99% of the time they will still reject you, hahahaha. And not in a nice way either, hahaha.

Basically, I want to stop feeling like a Loser and stop BEING a Loser and just be more of a winner. It sux being a Loser At Life. A Failure. The two biggest things that would fix that are gainful employment at a job that doesn’t drive you crazy; and a healthy relationship with someone who will love you in good times and bad. Yeah, these are kinda big things and take a LOT of work. And I don’t feel capable of doing such sustained, intense, focused work. Everything just seems TOO HARD hahaha. The stuff normal people do as part of being normal: working, having a wife. They make it LOOK EASY but its really haaaaaarrrdddd as heck.

Anyway I think companies SHOULD train their employees and SHOULD create an environment where people can get HELP in doing their jobs. That they are “set up for success” and not failure. No more sink or swim. I understand cutting costs in the short term, but I care much more about the long term. I would ALWAYS try to help new people once I actually knew something about the job. ALWAYS. And I would support them and encourage them. Because I know how hard it is to be a new guy and spend day after day, month after month, feeling like an 1d10t. Yes, that eats away at your confidence, rather than builds it up. like a train wreck in slow motion hahaha. We’re all here to do our jobs the best we can. Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it. Tell me what to say and I’ll say it. Give me the tools and processes to Solve Problems and I will solve problems. Don’t make me figure everything out by myself. What kind of message does it send to our clients to have people out there that are terrified and clearly don’t know what they’re doing? Also, some people do better than others when under pressure. I break under pressure and can’t do even simple things. Other people do their best work under pressure. not me. I can’t even remember my own NAME when under pressure. Are there any jobs for people who don’t handle pressure well????!?!?!

The most useful thing to me was Studying After Work. Studying like I had a big College Maths Exam the next day. Because that’s what it felt like. Taking a test all day, every day, only you had to orally explain your answers as you worked them while an anxious person hovered over you and interrogated you. But you hadn’t really studied the book or done the homework or gone to lectures and you had the worst, most useless instructor ever. I couldn’t believe a job could BE like that. It blew my mind and shattered my soul hahaha. But I managed to persevere for a full year, and slowly improve, until the problem with The Darn WOMAN pushed me to my breaking point. It’s all SO frustrating and disappointing.

I don’t like having to “BS” people just to get them off the phone. I like to ACTUALLY fix problems and to ACTUALLY know what’s going on. I like being able to get help from another person. I REALLY like being able to transfer a client to a more knowledgeable colleague when I can’t figure something out, and being able to listen in and see how THEY handle the problem. I don’t like being told to “figure it out” and left on my own to flail like a drowning man. You constantly wanted a hero to swoop in and save you, but you had to be your own hero and cobble together the most kludgey workarounds. “Throwing spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks” was my metaphor. It looked UNPROFESSIONAL as heck. It looked like we didn’t know what we were doing and were making it up as we went along……because that’s exactly what it was. I do not deal well with that kind of work. I need certainty and real explanations and real knowledge and real HELP.

That job, combined with THAT PERSON, was a recipe for disaster, and boy did it happen.

I have a huge ridiculous blog that is focused on helping losers become winners. Lately though it is me moaning about being a loser. To show the world what Real Love and Real Heartbreak looks like. To share the internal world of someone who knows he’s a loser and just can’t pull himself out of it. BUT trying to be more optimistic than /r9k/ for example. You should read /r9k/ for a while to get an idea of what it is……then stay away from it forever. My perspective is like /r9k/ but for people that really really want to Get Better. Anyway, message me if you want the link for my blog.

That is not my real birthday but I am in my Early Thirties. An Older Millennial. I definitely feel older and different than the younger/average millennial. I still have some similarity with generation x. the nihilism and cynicism hahaha. but I never became a successful adult like they did. also, most younger millennials are more successful adults than I am. good jobs, good relationships. I just can’t relate to these normies hahahaha but darn I wish I did!!!!!

I try to deal with stuff by writing although not sure if that really helps. Also, like to exercise, that might help a little more. Trying to lose weight. maybe that will make me more attractive to women hahaha. so desperate for female attention and approval!!!!! always have been.

But I am not really a bad or annoying or creepy guy. I have had great friends who really appreciated me. I just am shy and introverted and people need to give me a chance hahaha. But the people who did give me a chance usually ended up getting something valuable out of it, hahaha.

I just don’t like being abandoned or given up on by a close friend! This would hurt ANYBODY, even the most confident NORMIE!!!!! And so it was especially hurtful to me, being insecure and unstable hahaha.

I don’t shove my insecurities in people’s faces. Only anonymously on the internet, hahaha. In Real Life, I just seem like a quiet and nice guy. Though maybe a little weird because a little too quiet. But I’ve had people who appreciated me. I guess I would like to have more appreciation at the moment hahaha. My family appreciates me THANK GOD but I am greedy for more appreciation: that of especially women and jobs.

I like all kinds of music and movies. I enjoy black metal and artsy foreign movies. Yes, these things can be quite degenerate. It’s hard finding stuff to watch or listen to that isn’t TOO degenerate.

I am really against Degeneracy, though, which I find in EVERYTHING. Any product of modern culture is somewhat degenerate. Promoting immorality, hedonism, and nihilism. I have discarded things I used to like, simply because it’s ultimately a bad influence. For this very reason, I am no longer a Big Fan of any TV shows. TV is horribly degenerate in general. As are movies. As is music. It’s hard to ENJOY anything because so much is rooted in degeneracy and has no higher meaning. Like I said, it promotes and is born from an unhealthy worldview. It does not nourish or strengthen the soul. It’s hollow and empty and soulless and sometimes downright wrong, immoral, evil. No redeeming qualities. Casual sex, hedonism, nihilism, moral relativism, amoral, immoral, if it feels good, do it. If it gets you off, do it. I can’t tolerate that stuff anymore. Or where the only thing that matters is that everyone is Consenting. Consent is a crappy Moral Standard. Two people can CONSENT to something that is horribly immoral.

Young people can be BRAINWASHED into living a degenerate life. I know I was. It’s basically short-term hedonistic GLUTTONY of the senses. I never did casual sex simply because I was not attractive to women, but I did use too much pornography for a time. Porn is hugely degenerate IMHO and I wish I’d never seen it. I want to stay away from it for the rest of my life. We should not tolerate Porn as a normal thing. It’s BAD. It’s WRONG. It’s IMMORAL. It’s DEGENERATE. NO GOOD can come from it.

As you can see, I am no stranger to making Strong Moral Judgments hahahaha. I would have it no other way. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten more Moralistic. I Cannot tolerate moral relativism anymore. There is RIGHT, and there is WRONG. Period.

I perhaps overestimate how “degenerate” some things are, but I truly believe the stuff goes DEEP. It is ALMOST like a deep PsyOp designed to destroy our morality and our souls. The Devil works in crafty, mysterious ways hahaha.

No, I am not super religious but I have become more religious. Or, at least antiatheistic, where when I was young and dumb I was vehemently atheistic, antitheistic. Now I just think that is smug sophistry by fedora-wearing “I Luv SCIENCE” types.

A lot of this is tied to a Political and Ideological awakening I had in my mid to late twenties where I essentially went from Left to Right, to oversimplify it greatly. In college, you had to be Far Left to be cool. I wanted to be cool, to just fit in, and have friends, meet girls, have people like me. But as I got older, I couldn’t keep going with the moral relativism of the Left. I had to Become Who I Was hahaha.

Uhhh I won’t judge anyone here as degenerate. That is none of my business. Just try not to HURT people. It’s not that hard. If they are begging you to show them mercy, show them mercy. If they are begging you not to throw them away like a piece of garbage, DON’T throw them away like a piece of garbage! Have respect and care for your friends’ feelings! Don’t add insult to injury! Also don’t be a cheater. (No she was not a cheater, but I am very anti-cheating!)

And don’t have casual sex with more than one person at once. Yes, it’s the other person’s business because you might be giving them a disease hahaha. You know what, don’t have casual sex at ALL because sex is inherently INTIMATE and NOT casual, and when you try to make it casual, this will come back to haunt you, by making you unable to connect with people. Unable to love haha.

If you are a woman who has a male friend, understand that he might develop feelings for you after a while. Try not to be hugely offended by this, and let him down GENTLY. He’s still the same person you became friends with. He just likes you so much that he wants to take the friendship to a deeper level. Let him down GENTLY. Darn.

I am very generous in giving Likes. So don’t be offended if I have given you lots of likes. Sometimes I will like almost every response in a thread.

haven’t been on here in years, but it’s a great community! I am taking steps to manage my “crippling depression” and so things are ok in the short-term, but I struggle w the long term (i.e., jobs, “career”, rel’s. introverted, lack of energy, love to nap. I quit drinking in 2009 & that was HUGEly positive. infatuation, irritability, try to find the humour in things, fairly obsessed with Sex and “Status.”

Sept 2012: no energy, underemployed, trying to become gainfully employed, don’t like school or work, can never find the energy to not be lazy, extremely lazy, can lay in bed all day, but never feel “sad” or “depressed”. Rather, just no “joie de vivre.” job searching and career building is awful. very difficult socializing with women.

OCT 2015: Wow I’ve been a member since 2006. old skool! I am in a low that hasn’t been this bad since about 2006! loss of job, loss of loved woman. I have been rejected before, but this feels like the worst because I was closer with her than with other women, I felt it was the best relationship, and that she was The One. Also, quit the job at the same time because I worked with her, and I hated the job anyway, and the “breakup” was not a good one. life destroyed. trying to slowly get over the woman (all happened in July 2015), trying to rebuild life, get new job, get over the loss of someone I LOVED. of course we never really dated, she was a friend who I got along with very well, then 2 years into the friendship, got feelings for her, and that was the beginning of the end. She did not share the feelings, and increasingly distanced herself from me, I desperately tried to communicate with her, and then it all ended with silent treatment from her. I really wish she could have just TALKED to me and TRIED to dump me in a “gentle” way, but noooooo. instead, I was thrown away like a piece of garbage by the person I loved the most, and what was once a good friendship, was OVER. it was DEVASTATING. I hadn’t been in this much pain in YEARS.

Also, I think my anxiety is just as bad as my depression. In fact, it might be the Root Cause of my depression.

I much prefer the word “DESPAIR” to “depression.”

I am taking 20 mg of citalopram per day, might up the dose. [Edit March 2016: now 40 mg, might even go higher next time] had taken Paxil for about …. 7 years? since 2008 or so, up and down there, in July 2015 had been totally off Paxil for a few months, had some bad withdrawals for the first week or 2 there.

had major anxiety about job and woman after a while, started with a new doctor and new meds. then the crap hit the fan with woman and job, in July 2015, been devastated ever since, trying to rebuild life completely.

coping thru: tons of exercise, try to walk 8 to 10 miles a day, it’s very positive, although I am not losing any weight! but better than being a huge neckbeard loser.

writing on the blog in an attempt to help self and others. the theme of blog is to help depressed despairing people who have experienced a lot of failure in their lives, with work and women, as have I. trying to overcome us being “losers”. Message me for the link to the blog.

it is no good to think of yourself as a “LOSER” but that is VERY pervasive for me: early 30s with nothing to show for it: underemployed, unemployed, total failure with women, always get dumped, can’t get or keep a job or a relationship. have no faith in the power of education to improve my career. college is a scam imho. (I did complete a bachelors degree in something that’s useless for attaining gainful employment, a big regret; but I don’t have the motivation or desire or ability to return to school for a graduate degree or a new more useful degree)

but I have never done well at interviews either. and my most recent job was very stressful. it did not help my mental state at all. very stressful and I was confused and overwhelmed all day everyday, and felt like an incompetent, unconfident, unintelligent person who was incapable of doing my job, being asked to do impossible things. phone calls all day from people where technical stuff was broken and trying to fix AND explain things I had never seen before AND had no understanding of. very nerve wracking. also working with the love interest. I fought and made gains in dealing with the insanely stressful job and was just starting to earn respect and confidence in being able to do the job. Ultimately it was not the job itself, but the presence of HER, that pushed me over the edge and pushed me to break down and quit the job. Still angry about that.

never did well with jobs and women, which I see as major elements of being an Adult Man. Till recently I was semi-gainfully employed and had a decent relationship with a woman, and was almost on the path to “normalcy”, but the whole thing came crashing down when I started to have deeper feelings for her. Neither of us handled that really well, the relationship ended horribly, and I could not cope with working at the already stressful job with her. So I quit, and now I feel like a huge loser and it sucks! I lost a very important person, feel like I will never connect with a woman again, feel incompetent to do any job, no jobs train you, all jobs try to scam their customers, all jobs put you in impossible stressful situations and push you to your breaking point, real all or nothing thinking hahaha. plus good luck making a livable wage, let alone the type of money a normal man your age should be making, who wants to be eligible for meeting a woman and having a family someday!

(Those are my basic life goals: have a gainful job making “upper working class” wages that is not so stressful that it constantly pushes me to the edge of a nervous breakdown; and meet a woman that I can have a long-term, mutually loving, monogamous, traditional relationship with, and have children (maybe 3!), AND be able to support them. Tall order I know, blame my materialistic greed and sense of entitlement, hahahahaha)

Really tired of struggling so much with jobs/career and women, have spent my whole Young Adulthood doing that, and now no longer a Young adult haha. nothing to show for it. have a very bad attitude. also, this “breakup” is very hard to get over, very painful. I was not blameless but I still don’t think I deserved that harsh of treatment. But some days I DO think I deserve it, that this is all my fault, if I had just been a Better, Cooler, more confident, more manly man, this wouldn’t have happened.

I used to be big on MRA and MGTOW thinking, but am moving away from that now, as it seems like a lifestyle of bitterness based on personal failures with women. I don’t want to be that bitter towards women forever, I would like to get over this and be open to another woman someday. But I don’t see that light at the end of the tunnel yet. I still want her. Fantasize about her contacting me and saying “I’m so sorry, please give me another chance”, and I absolutely would, because I was/am so desperate for her!

I am still pretty traditional, though, have been getting into the “neoreaction” and traditionalist and nationalist scenes. I think men and women are naturally different but complementary, and that casual sex, recreational sex, short term relationships, and nonmonogamy are especially damaging to women, simply because of the hugely disproportionate Reproductive risks and responsibilities women naturally have: i.e., women get pregnant, men can’t, and pregnancy and child-raising are a BIG HUGE deal that should not be approached lightly.

I did learn some valuable lessons, basically, don’t drive yourself crazy waiting for the perfect time to talk, but just “blurt it out” through a phone call or text or email, if you feel you need to talk about it, and I def did! I was trying to get her to hang out so we could talk about it in person, and indeed, that’s very reasonable for such an important conversation; and then she responded by refusing to hang out at all. As that pattern persisted for 3,4,5,6,7,8,9,and finally 10 months, I gradually went nutters. I should have just Blurted It Out, not Bottled It Up. I am one of those guys that need to say or write everything verbally, I am not a fan of signals. Although I did give some pretty clear signals to her as to what my feelings for her were now, that they had changed from “just friends” to desire for something more, and her response was to back off and become distant, obviously did not share the feelings, but also did not want to talk about them.

I didn’t expect her to return the feelings. I just wanted to have a talk like a mature adult, and not be thrown away or ignored or avoided entirely. that’s what hurts more than anything! if she had just talked or even emailed me and said: “I don’t have feelings for you, I’m sorry, I don’t mean to hurt you, we had a good friendship” that would have been a LOT better. But I feel bad that she just threw me away like I was not a human being, like we never had the good long-term friendship that we did. I knew her for YEARS, not weeks or months. I felt being thrown away like that was unfair to me. I might have annoyed her with my Signals of New Feelings, but I don’t think that’s as bad as throwing away a long-term friend without even talking about it. Near the end, I was begging “please respond” in emails, but I never got any response whatsoever. I’ve been rejected before, but NEVER like this, and this person meant a LOT to me because I actually KNEW them for 2+ years, as opposed to the women I “pseudo-dated” for 2 months or so before they dumped me, hahaha. This relationship was much stronger than those!

So I am slowly getting somewhat better from that devastation, but now I need to find a new job, get through the stupid interview process, and confidently explain why I quit my last job, then perform better than all the other people interviewing, just to get a job where you are thrown to the wolves with no training, deal with difficult customers and difficult co-workers all day, feel like a very unintelligent person who doesn’t even know how to do their job, and maybe get fired after a few weeks because you’re “not getting it fast enough” hahahaha.

I hate being nervous at work for at least 8 hours a day, then spend all your free time being nervous about the next day. So I would spend my free time “studying” work material so I could “get better” at the endless number of technical issues I got phone calls about; so I could sound confident and competent, and not sound dumb. It is kind of like having a pop quiz of Complicated Story Problems, then having to solve and explain them verbally, all day every day. And I hate sounding dumb because I know I’m not dumb, and it is SO frustrating having to CONVINCE people of that all day.

People treating you like you’re not smart, and you want to say “I’M SMART, I SWEAR! I graduated from a top university! I got an A in Calculus 2! I do very well on Jeopardy and trivia! I have an IQ of at least 120! My friends have done Ph.D.’s and masters degrees and are very successful! I am well read! sorry I just dont understand weird technical BS when I am thrown to the wolves and everybody treats me like an unintelligent person!”

(if you use a common word for “unintelligent person,” ID-10-T if you will, DF automatically censors it hahaha)

Yep. Gainful employment and halfway decent relationships. I dont know how anybody does it!!! Just want to be a normal functioning member of society and establish a healthy long term relationship.


////////////////////////////////////////////// end DF profile as ov nov 2015….i mean may 2016

Capitalise the first word of every sentence. Every sentence doesn’t have to be a complete sentence. Also use apostrophes and try to spell words correctly. But grammar is really not important as much as the punctuation and spelling. Use commas and semicolons frequently if the sentences start getting long. This is regarding all business communications. Doesn’t matter if the sentences are fragments. Just capitalize the first word, use apostrophe’s. Then you will look smart even if you are a crayon-eater. And higher-ups will treat you with respect and that will make your working life just a little bit easier.

Also prove you are smart to your superiors by speculating a “REGISTRY HACK” as a possible solution for everything. Then they will say, no no, dont do a registry hack, just do this thing thats not listed in the manual, or escalate it. But since you know what the Registry is, that separates the Smart from the Dumb. This is how these idiot higher-ups think. They think they are SO goddam smart just because new people are so IN THE DARK about everything, and the higher ups are in the dark a lousy 10% less.

i am trying to find a plain dark black athletic t shirt, made of sweat wicking polyester. this is impossible. i have one but i cut a hole in the neck because i sweat so much. now i want one with a proper neck so i can wear it to the damn fatness club.

well an impartial judge and jury would judge that i had the MOral High Ground in that Breakup, in other words, I was clearly dumped, I wasnt to blame for that, i didnt abuse her, she jsut wanted out, and that is mainly On Her, which is fine, but what is NOT fine is the horrible horrible way she did it.

of course, all this moral high ground is worthless when I am the one who is crushed, in despair, jobless, crushed, no confidence, and she continues at the job and works at it very well and will use it to become a successful adult. she moves forward, i move back. that sucks. i kind of want the job to drive HER crazy and for HER to quit. i was one of the SMART people anyway and she was one of the DUMB people. think SHE knew what a registry hack was? fook no!!!!!! but it doesnt matter, the higher ups love her because she is a pretty gurl!!!!!!!! and give her help and training and train her how to do her job. fook that shit. real men STAND ALONE. dont need ANYBODYS help.



hahahahaaha. this is a TERRIBLE attitude but you have to learn to live by that code if you ever want to survive in a 15DAHJ and have KIDS one day. because no one is gonna HELP YOU at work. well, they will half assed help you, and resent you for it, so you better not ask for help. but you are confused and dont know what to say to the customers. BOO HOO. just BULLSHIT something then. i had a hard time bullshitting so much. meanwhile she didnt have to talk to anyone. she would get the issues wrong, not understand the shit, and not even care, just tell them sorry nothing we can do. but because she Hit All The Metrics she is viewed as a great employee. I was a great employee too, but even greater, because i actually sorta knew what i was doing, in a place where no one knew what they were doing, simply because the shit was SO complicated and SO disorganized. so i dont blame her for not knowing what she was doing. i just blame her for TURNING on me hahahaha.

i think it would have been ok for me to have an ARRANGED MARRIAGE at age 18. the gurl would be cute, young, virgin, and of the same race. when you arrange a marriage, you dont pick a gurl who is a damn used up slut!

i fear that i will be so desperate to have children that i will just have to pick a damn slut to do it with. and that would be a horrible idea.

wouldnt it be better to have children with a decent nonslut Little Asian woman, rather than a dirty skank White woman????!?!?!?!?!

but i waaaaaaaant a white woman not an asian woman! i dont have yellow fever! i can appreciate asian women being Nicer and less of sluts…..well, tons of asian women ARE huge sluts, having secs with white guys they JUST met, like white tourists who go to the philippines or thailand to bang asian gurls. no thank you! i mean i might try that once, but why wuold you marry one of those gurls?

heh. i have an huge inferiority complex. i hate when gurls who dump me go on to be bigger winners at life than me, and certainly all of them have. one short term slut went on to get a masterz degree at the top univ in the nation in her stupid bullshit field. many people who get this degree regret it, but not the people who went to this skool!

another slut who dumped me had a bullshit undergrad major but then got a phd in it and is now a respected phd. she did not go to a top 3 grad skool though. maybe top 10 hahahaha. HA! barely even top 100. i just checked. what a fookin loser. feels good to be smarter than some bitch who dumped you with a phd hahahahahahahahaha.

well that person will never get a phd or even a masters degree, they might not even ever get a BACHELORS degree hahahaha but she is certainly making more money and doing better in her career simply because she is staying in that job and will prob springboard from it to a better job. plus she was 8 years younger than me and making that kind of money. shit. and she is more white trash than me hahahaha. those other girls were not white trash, they were solid middle class, almost raised to get Graduate Degrees etc. they were still huge sluts though. i much prefer working class nonsluts. but most working class gurls are huge sluts, just like the middle class gurls, they just actually HAVE the trashbabies rather than have abortionz so they can focus on their graduate degree and Commensurate Career hahahahaha.

if you go to a middle class college, practically EVERY gurl there has had a pregnancy scare where they ended up getting an Abortion, and now they are much more careful with their Pills and Birth Control when they have Casual Hook up Chill Hangout Sex, so they dont have to have another Abortion.

sexual ethics. sexual morality. what was that phds name? anthony mccarthy? he studies and writes about sexual ethics/morality. and i think he is on the good side.

provocative abortion debate

the red ice radio thing where i first heard mccarthy

anyway yeah i hate when bitches break my heart AND become much more successful than me. you kinda want to see them go downhill, having bastard babies, working horrible jobs, hitting The Wall with a vengeance, so you can look at them in 10 years and say “DAMN! THANK GOD I DODGED A BULLET THERE!” rather than “they still look alot better than i hoped they would, and they are more successful at age 30 than i will EVER be. CLEARLY they were out of my league!”

cuz they say the best revenge is to live well, well they broke muh heart AND lived MUCH better than I! they sure dont feel bad! you should feel bad when you break someones heart!

anyway if you get a chance to bang a woman under age 30, just do it. just wrap it up, pop a valium, and get er done. even moreso if she is under 25!!!!!!!!

doesnt matter if they have kids, doesnt matter if there are ugly or fat. well i guess if they are absolutely GROTESQUE, then you can say no. but any chance to get damn EXPERIENCE with a somewhat young (under 30) woman is something you cannot conceivably turn down, as a woefully inexperienced over-30 loser!

i had the AUDACITY, the HUBRIS, the ENTITLEMENT, to think that i had a chance with a 25 year old! SHAME ON ME!!!! hahahahaha.

i wouldnt be reacting this badly if she had made THE SLIGHTEST DAMN EFFORT to NOT BE A HUGE B TO ME. she didnt have to be PERFECT. but show me EVEN JUST ONE PERCENT respect or kindness or gentleness when DUMPING me. you dont GET to dump somebody AND be mean. you get to dump someone IF they are really mean to you. but you dont get to be really mean WHILE you are dumping somebody who hasnt been really mean to you!

ok time to go to the fatness and try out muh new sweat towel hahahaha.



yeah. i just feel incapable of doing any job. feel useless and worthless. i dont want to go to school cuz it costs a lot of money and i feel skoll is useless and worthless. mainly i feel the problem is deep inside me, like i am just a defective PERSON, and no amount of SKOOL is gonna help me. i could have a masterz of electrical engineering right now and i would be in the same position in other words.

i can/could deal with skool, and just BARELY at that! i failed there a bit too – but when it comes to the Real World of Work and Wimmin, FORGET ABOUT IT. absolutely no chance, no hope. fail or give up almost IMMEDIATELY. dont have what it takes. dont have the guts. not man enough.

ok these are negative thoughts. on a broken record no less. so remove the needle from the record and take the record and throw it into the wall like a frisbee, smashing it hahahaha.

yeah i know she never had secsy or luving feels towards me, like gina tingles and luv…..but the warm feminine friendly feels were really nice tho, and it hurted me when she turned them off.

i thought about what i would say to her if i ever saw her randomly somewhere. at a restaurant or store or event hahahaha.


something like that. when i see her out having a great time with her new boifran who she loves getting fooked by, who she fell in luv with within 1 week and fooked within 1 week hahahaha. and sends him picutres of her ass. good lord. sucks him off 9000000 times a day and gets loads on her face like a porno drug whore gaping ass. violently face fooked like belle knox hahahahahaha. all women like this. like getting violently facefooked and throatfooked by different chads every night.

ok more negative thoughts. stop the records. screeeeeeeeeeeeeeech reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

but yeah when they stop luving you well before you stop luving them (not that she really luved me), you get hurt. luving someone who doesnt luv you. like an idiot. for months and years. one sided.

just like when they would rather GET RID OF YOU than make ANY effort to work things out with you. they dont want to TALK, or COMMUNICATE, or cooperate, or try, they just want to be DONE with you. this tells you that YOU ARENT WORTH SAVING. holy shit. YOU ARENT WORTH SAVING. god damn is that devastating to any man. i suppose women would also be devastated if someone THEY luved told them they werent worth saving.

you arent worth saving. i would rather be with nobody than with you. am i really THAT BAD? how could i be that bad? did i ABUSE you without knowing it? am i that inferior and undesirable of a man? probably!

well she wont be with NOBODY, she will be riding the cock carousel next time she goes out partying, maybe tonight, find some secsy guy at the bar or club or party she hasnt fooked yet, and fook him. disgusting.

ehehehe she wasnt a slut liek that, but she MIGHT AS WELL BE if she wants to kick me out of her damn life!


heheh she should have googled how to dump somebody and took note of the part where it said, “whatever you do, do NOT dump them by avoidng them forever, this is very hurtful and immature”. hahahaha.

you know its bad when you you are BEGGING for a damn EMAIL when you get dumped. because “dumped in an email” is BAD ENOUGH.

well, i can definitely inform you that there is an even worse way to be dumped.

i guess the only thing worse would be to actually be dating for a while, then find out she is cheating, then SHE dumps YOU by avoiding you/blocking you.  then you send her messages “you cant dump me you cheating whore” then you look like the bad guy.

i wanted to contact her to say hey you really hurt me, i really thing you owe me an apology! you cant do this to someone, this is really bad, you can do better than that, so apologize to me. do you have any remorse about the way you handled this? its not too late to apologize.

but i figured correctly that it would be less about askign for an apology, and just getting back in contact with her, because i STILL WANT HER.

and i DO! I still want her, still luv her, it’s still one sided luv same as it ever was, but its more hopeless now, because I KNOW ITS OVER, oh god is it ever OVER, but i still luv her, because the luv i had/have, still hasnt died yet. its still kicking and sceraming and thrashing and flailing and is not even close to the death throes yet. to still love someone who is GONE and NEVER COMING BACK, now that is ridiculous.

and to have no confidence in yourself, as in being able to do a job, any job, let alone a living wage bare minimum middle working class 15DAHJ!

i am really not gonna find anything “better” than my last job, especially for that kind of money. the best way to deal with that stress is to go home and study work shit, which is itself kinda stressful. exercise is another ok way to deal. but by far the best two ways to deal are doing MJ, and having a nice loving waifu loving loyal faithful 25 year old woman to cuddle with at the end of a soul crushing day, to help steel yourself for another soul crushing day coming up ALL too soon. also going to sleep as soon as you come home and literally doing nothing but sleep duing your free time. but that can be hard to do if you are constantly worried about work, and also it takes away time from exercising, and waifu, and family, and chores and adult life shit. like staying up till 4 am working on your online college degree. so you can get a better job and make more money for your children hahahaha.

but yeah it sucks how peoples feelings can CHANGE. like how one day a person can like you, then one day they dont like you any more. the love is gone. they stop loving you. love fades hahahaha. and sometimes it just has a heart attack and dies when you least expect it.

well, my feelings changed tho. they went the other way. they grew, intensified, transformed like the butterfly into something greater. changed from like to luv. this caused her feelings to change from like to don’t like. not super complicated. oh well.

my feelings changed one way, her feelings changed the other way.

but yeah she certainly could have treated me better in the end. what she did to me was more “abusive” than what i did to her, which was merely annoying, because i wanted to talk about LEGIT VALID THINGS but i didnt know the best way to go about communicating them, so it annoyed her.

went to fatness yest evening, got in 8 miles, i always see a couple of cute gurls there, but i am way too old and out of shape for Good Looking Gym Sluts hahahahaha.

heh. a lot of people who go to the gym are ALREADY in good shape.

but at planet fatness, a decent number of people are in even worse shape than me, so i say good for them. god have mercy on them. that poor man has probably never been NEAR an attractive woman ever. and yet he carries on, with his ridiculous education, his ridiculous job, just trying to make 15DAH one day, just trying to meet a nice unattractive woman someday who accepts him for who he is, jogging away on the treadmill huffing and puffing, after a minimum 10 hour day at his shitty customer service job, and he’s not complainign. he’s gonna try to lose the weight, then go home and stay up till 3 am doing univ of phoenix to get his business degree or “IT” degree, then get 6 hours of sleep tops, prob more like 4 or 5, then go serve customers for 10 hours again, difficult customers, and get no love from the ladies either, cuz hes too fat and too nice and his career is too shitty.

hehehehe broken record of negative thoughts, see? i write damn STORIES based on negative thoughts. these hopeless, pessimistic stories of pathetic, sad, lonely, desperate people, and i have become one of those people!

but this fat guy has more honor than me, becuase hes working hard and not complaining! and working hard to better himself despite the insurmountable odds!

heheehehe i am hoping she feels extra lonely and guilty and regretful around the holiday season of thanksgiving thru new years, to Contact me and apologize and reconnect hahahaha. of course she utterly refused to even HANG OUT with me last thanksgiving or xmas or new years, and i honestly thought she would. i still trusted her at that point. and things hadnt been weird for too long. that when she said i was invited to thanksgiving, i actually fooking believed her.

then by crimmus time it was like oh im too busy with my family, i dont have time for my friends. when before she was willing to have me meet her family. no more!

i wonder when her mind was changed officially. maybe when i gave her that crimmus gift along with sentimental card and she read the card and all the Signals that were in it. that was like no earlier than dec 21 or so. i would have liked to give her the crimmus gift somewhere other than the workplace, like hanging out together. but that would involved her letting me hang out with her outside of work hahahaha. which we used to do. but then i got downgraded. i mean things were not super weird in december yet!!!!!

well it was always one excuse for another why she could not hang out. if someone really wants to hang out with you, they will MAKE TIME. even just 2 hours if they are really busy.

just somewhere we could sit and talk peacefully for 2 hours and not have the stupid JOB hanging over our heads. but she had a feeling that i had feelings for her, and she absolutely did not want to confront that. i did.

ok time for outdoors powerwalk. better than hopeless job search hahahaha for jobs i cant do anyway. incompetent at all jobs. unhirable. unemployable. hahahah undateable, unluvable.

did a 5 miler. kinda cold out there. listened to Eli the Jewish Computer Guy the whole time, didnt think about stupid shit too much. saw the older jewish guy on the bike path again. of course it was the same jewish guy: 60 years old, beard, stringly little tassel things dangling at the bottom of his shirt. plus he is the only jewish guy in a 20 mile radius hahaha. this is actually a good thing since jews are natural born destroyers who destroy countries and communities like cancer hahahaha but i really doubt one older nonatheist jew is gonna do too much damage. plus he probably has a good work ethic and his children are successful and make 20DAH and have been able to reproduce themselves with willing women of their own race.

oh no i am a virulent anti semite racist hahahaha no i dont care. i dont care unless someone is hurting me or my family directly. but what about indirectly?

come on man. i just want to be Emotionally Tough enough to WITHSTAND a Job, and of course, Heartbreak.

google how to deal with being dumped by someone you love


this person, ive seen her before, and she is a horrible slut. oh boo hoo still upset after two months. you get one month to “be a slut and fook a BUNCH of people”….how many people can you actually fook in one month? wow what a whore.



our relationship is worth it! worth saving! I am worth it! you beg to them.


how to BE FRIENDS WITH A GIRL THAT REJECTED YOU???? ARE YOU KIDDING? some of these wikihows are not just stupid, they are DANGEROUS.


this guy dr nerdlove SUCKS. he is a feminist mangina white knighter hahahaha. talk about putting the pussy on a pedestal. you’d think a niceguy nerd would be able to truly UNDERSTAND the niceguy. but he doesnt.


he thinks the red pill is all about Emotionally Abusing Women

he also uses words like “rapey” and “cisgender” and “male privilege” hahahaha sooooo that shows his angle quite clearly.

what these anti niceguy writers always say always boils down to: “these evil niceguys have such a large sense of white male privilege entitlement, that they can’t begin to treat women as, y’know, like, um, HUMAN BEINGS.”

this is incredibly insulting and wrong. our enemies are LYING about us. like niceguys don’t view women as human beings. of COURSE they do. women are just a very different, weird type of human being that we have no experience with, so are very awkward with, so the women think we are Creepy. and we never learn how to close the deal. but to CHARACTER ASSASSINATE and say that we don’t understand that women are HUMAN BEINGS is so disingenuous of these BETA LEFTIST JOURNALISTS. stupid marxist faggots.

yeah they are human beings, we are trying to treat them as human beings, and they treat us like garbage. no more! hahahahaha.

there i go extrapolating once again hahahaha. yeah i could ahve treated her a little better, but she could have treated me a LOT better. how about hanging out with me ONCE. how about responding to emails AT ALL.

ok i better go to the fatness. i ate a HUGE dinner today, easily 2000 calories right there, that is my daily recommended amount, just blew the load all at once eating a huge unhealthy comfort food dinner.



had a dream that briefly had the woman. really cant remember the details. took a small mininap soon afterwards that wiped the details out.

so i could have treated her better, but she could have treated me a LOT better. plus were were coming at each other with a different “tone.” that is, i was bothering her because i was too begging and supplicating, please hang out with me; and she was really bothering me because she was shutting me out. well she would say i was pushing her away. and i probably was.

anyway when somebody wants you out of their life, and you are desperate to have them in your life……well your damn heart gets broke hahahaha.

and my luv/committment is a valuable thing. i dont commit to just any broad hahahaha.

yeah i committed too early becuase i hadnt gotten any committment from her but oh well it happened jeez.

well in the dream she was not being particularly warm to me, i would have remembered that. she was being kinda cold or lukewarm to me but was still allowing me to talk to her, oh benevolent queen hahahahaha, lets the peasant talk to her.

anyway yeah i should go for muh walk.

yeah i dont want to contact her because i dont want to play it cool like i dont still want her. i will always want her and if she doesnt want to give that a try……I DONT WANT TO SEE HER. i dont want to see her dating and fooking and having interest in other guys. then best for her not to be in muh life.

as i was going for the 5 miler today, i thought again, should i contact her and be like ya know, you really hurt me, and i think you should know that, and i would really like an apology, because i dont think youre this bad of a person, things were just a perfect storm for you right now so you just shut down and didnt act as virtuous as you normally would. thats understandable and forgiveable but you really hurt me nonetheless and i know you are not that bad of a person, but im also not sure you know really how bad i was hurt. please show me one last act of kindness hahahahaha.

really it wouldnt change things, other than my Final Memory of her would be a bit more positive, but i would never GET with her. and thats really what i want!

it would be like when i Reestablished Connection with Woman2 in Fall 2004. she began hanging out and making out with me again, said she was sorry, and the making out made me think, NOT UNREASONABLY, that she MIGHT be interested in Dating Me.  but she wasnt! I was still ready and willing to commit to her but she had no such ready and willingness. at all. whatsoever.

so was that worth it? no, not really.

the best is when you are making out or even having secs with a gurl, and she has no interest in dating you even nonmonogamously. she is 90% out the door even as you are Plowing her. that never made sense to me. well they are always looking to clear out the betamost. especially if those betas are Angling towards Monogamous COmmitment, like i always was, cuz that was always my endgame, still is.

and i dont think thats inherently a bad thing, although it always turned out HORRIBLY. i just never found the right woman hahahahaha.

ok got a second 5 miler in nice. hahahaha.

anyway eerything she was saying and doing was indiciating NO i dont want you, im done with you, get away from me.

while everything i was saying and doing was YES, please give me a chance, please show me mercy, please be with me.

my point is, if she wanted me AT ALL, i was making it easy for her to say yes.

so yeah there is NO chance, i should not contact her.

but it sucks, women ALWAYS lost interest in me, in some cases because they are stupid sluts who like sampling a buffet of cock, but she was DIFFERENT, she actually made me feel special and that she really liked me as a person, which women dont often do!

well i think if i hadnt gotten feelings for her, we would have still been friends, she would have still be interested in me, it wasnt really her losing interest per se, as much as her not wanting me to have feelings. not really her getting BORED in me.

or maybe she DID get bored of me!

well she told me i was interesting and smart hahahahaha even while we were having problems.

shit jsut as i was bottling things up and abotu to explode, so was she. the difference is when SHE exploded, she didnt say a damn word to me! then i exploded and told her (email) everything.

so yeah i have had my heart broken by women before but never like this! and this is probably the worse. because i actually had SOMETHING real with her, it was one of the best actual rels i have ever had with a woman. it was real, built on a real foundation. i cant believe it doesnt matter to her, to have this ripped out of her life. maybe it does. so i should contact her right? she would say thank you thank you i wanted to talk to you so bad but i was scared!!!!!

well she woudl contact me if she really wanted to have some sort of rel again. since she’s not, then clearly she doesnt.

so basically women always want you to read their mind, because they will never communicate what they are feeling, which is usually Losing Feelings in you, because you’re too Clingy, because bitches dont realize that Love entails a BIT of clinginess, you want to be with the person a lot, and the person is more special to you than random people; and then when shit gets tuff, they never want to fix it, they just want to dump you and find some fresh, exciting Men to bang. god damn savages!!!!

never communicate, expect you to read their stupid mind, AND they never want to work on shit, rather just give up and bail and jump on the nearest dick. you’re an idiot if you have any respect for this!!!!!

of course its BLUE PILL to think “baby we can WORK IT OUT, lets TALK ABOUT IT”

no, you’re supposed to hit them with “dread game” where you lose interest in them and start gaming other bitches, to prove that you’re not putting her on a pedestal. that you dont need her more than she needs you!

bsaically the idea that

” If a girl is losing attraction for you, it’s YOUR FAULT for not passing shit tests.”

because this is all subconscious for women. but for men its gotta be conscious.

either way i wont make these mistakes again hahahaha of course i am getting too damn old to pull a 7 any more hahahahahahaha. was she a 7 or a 6? well she was in her 20s and not ugly so i think she was a solid 7 hahahaha. maybe more of a 6.6. still. i should only be able to pull 5’s at best. well i dont want 5’s, i want 6.6’s hahahahaha.



had another dream with her. foook that is like 3 in the past week. well in this one i was at the job, saw a bunch of familiar faces there. the people there were overall pretty good. i was feeling more comfortable with the people. i had come a long way. anyway in the dream it was like i had already quit and i was just sitting there hanging out while eeryone around me was goign crazy, which is the norm, trying to figure out the weirdest fooking shit, i was helping them, which is hard to do when you have you own stupid proejcts you need help with and no one can really give you as much help as you need.

anyway she was a few rows away as she was in real life and she was not talking to me. i would turn around and see her and i felt bad because she was not talking to me. i guess that was very similar to what happened in real life. and that was about it for the dream. we didnt have a big argument or i didnt confront her.

shit. i should have confronted her and said whats the deal here, youre killing me, i cant work like this.

then she would say, well you have no choice, you have to work like this, i am done, we are done, this rel is OVER.

and i would have said please please im begging you (this is very beta, never supposed to beg a woman)

and she would say nope yu already had your chance and you blew it.

but yeah i hate the “gamer/red pill” idea that if a woman loses interest, ITS ALL YOUR FAULT for not being EXCITING or CHALLENGING enough.

anyway i have never LOST INTEREST in a woman. not QUICKLY that is. usually its a very painful and long process, that extends long after they have lost interest in me and dumped me.

in other words, its always women losing interest. women lose interest in men SO QUICKLY and then quickly get interested in other men.

so maybe this is normal given our Biological Natural Differences?

i think yes. so in other words women are SUPPOSED to lose interest quickly? and not be loyal ever? maybe.

well because they are supposed to be choosy and always Branch Swinging to the Best Possible Man. so why have Secs and Date men before youve determined that?

because secs is fun and why deprive yourself of FUN? there arent any long term consequences to a woman having secs hahahahaha.

then after a few weeks you get bored. you see that the guy is BORING and not EXCITING or CHALLENGING enough. so naturally you want to find a Better Man. swing to a better branch. this is what women are. get used to it so you are not BLINDSIDED.

but the friendship we had for 2 years was smooth and ez and not so damn problematic. she showed a decent amount of loyalty then. but its a whole new ballpark once you get feelings. then the women get RUTHLESS.

google horrible tech support stories



Have your reps ever said this? “There is nothing I can do for you.”  I asked for a supervisor and they told me that the supervisor will tell me the same thing! – See more at: http://katenasser.com/worst-customer-service-stories-train-best-csrs/#sthash.ojCDfJZG.dpuf

hehehe but sometimes its true. theres nothign you can do, adn the sup doesnt want to speak to them cuz theres nothing they can do.  and you have no explanation because you dont really understand. you want to help them cuz youre a beta people pleaser who cant keep women from Losing Interest hahahahaha.


cracked is communist beta leftists but this is an accurate article and comments.

i was “the white knight” because i tried to actually help people when Level 2 would essentially advise us to do very customer unfriendly things like “we dont support that” and then we would have to say “we dont support that” and then they would ask well what can i do “uhhhh i dont know, call somebody else” “who” “i dont know” well can you find out

ok lemme ask level 2

they say we dont know, thats not our job



and it was your job to be a BULLSHIT ARTIST and figure out what kind of bullshit you could tell them as to why you couldnt or wouldnt help them.

yes many callers are idiots that dont know the difference between a computer and a monitor. but i was always on the callers side. i felt tech support branded them as idiots more often than they should. shit I was kinda an idiot because I didnt know what was going on!

i actually wanted to help. honestly. but the Culture made it difficult to help the people, for me to get the help for the people. so you learn to fudge troubleshooting steps to get approval for escalation quicker. ways to work the stupid shitty SYSTEM so you can get your department to do what they claim to want to do: fix peoples tech problems.

i actually LIKED figuring shit out, but i can’t do it in that context any more. taking call after call of WEIRD shit where i have to fight with the caller, then fight with level 2 to get the caller the help i dont have the knowledge or the authority to implement. convincing level 2 that yes, this shit DOES need to be escalated, do you realize how unprofessional it looks for our COMPANY to say “we cant help you” and then give them NO alternatives because we just dont know?

shit could be improved with regular training for level 1. but that costs too much.

could be improved by hiring more level 1’s. but that costs too much.

30 days of training?

try 10 hahahahahaha.


talking to a sup isnt a right, its a privilege


another very good story, its like WAR, people just disappear. shit is so stupid. its horrible for the customers, its even horribler for the CSR


This one’s voice shakes [level 1 begging to transfer angry caller to level 2]. I bet she’s wondering if she’s being recorded. “I have this customer who demands to speak to a supervisor. Can I please transfer him to you? He won’t speak to me anymore. He’s all mad, calling me stupid,” she says hurriedly.

She’s breathing heavily. I know I could grill her about the trouble-shooting steps she’s taken, run through the standard check list (check the cables, check the settings, rip TCP/ IP) and then shove her back to the customer. But I can hear the panic in her voice. I remember how it feels, calling for help and getting brushed off. “Go ahead,” I tell her. “Transfer him.”

“Thank you so much,” she says, her voice very fast like a prisoner suddenly freed. I think: she’s not gonna last much longer.

“It’s a new plan,” Angela sighs. “We can’t deactivate him. What we’re doing is collecting names, adding them to a list. Once we figure out what to do, we’ll take care of it. Give him a credit.”

“But he’ll be billed again next month,” I point out. “He’ll have to call back.”

“I’m sorry,” she says. “It’s all we can do for the moment.”

“Okay, let me see if I’ve got this straight,” [aka “SO YOU’RE TELLING ME….” hahahahaha] the customer responds when I explain the situation to him. “I don’t have any service. I’ve never had any service. You can’t cancel the account which I’ve never had and you will continue to bill me?”

“Yes,” I answer cautiously, dreading his response.

“I’m stunned, absolutely stunned,” he says. “That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard in a long, long time.”

There’s a long pause. It’s like waiting for the firing squad to yell FIRE!

And then he laughs, and I know I am in the clear. I’ve dodged another bullet. “Well,” he sighs, “I guess there’s not much I can do.” Fight, scream, raise hell I would like to tell him. Just not to me, to someone who has the authority to fix this mess. If only he could find that person.

I credit his account and send him on his way. Another unsatisfied customer.


5 Confessions Of A Comcast Customer Service Rep




if companies like comcast or any other damn call center, tech support, cust servce, SLAs, MSRs whatever, were SERIOUS about giving good cust service, they would PROVE it by implementing policy changes that were clearly PRO customer nstead of clearly ANTI customer.

Comcast Customer Service Agents Get Answers To Certification Tests Right Before The Tests

why would they want you to know the material? thats more time in training, which means less time out on the phones, which means less calls answered.

the emphasis on AVERAGE HANDLE TIME rather than ACTUALLY FIXING PROBLEMS. the COMPANY thinks its more important to leave a problem UNFIXED if the call goes over 20 minutes. or 15 minutes. or 3 minutes. whatever the SLA is.

our average call time was 20 minutes. i was always around 22 minutes because i went the extra mile. i was probably working for a better company because muh managers did not fire me for being 10% over the target, because they realized that apart from that, i did EXCELLENT work and actually tried to solve problems.

there is “Executive customer service” lines sometimes, semi-secret numbers that go straight to Executives so you get special treatment for being VIP. i do not know if our company had this. why would i? i was just level 1. i know i had a FEW super high ups call us, but its very possible they did not know abotu The Executive line.

Also encourage your frustrated callers to use TWITTER to complain. i never thout about this one!

Comcast Demands An Explanation Before Agreeing To Cancel Your Account



quote from jack lambert:::

Technical Support is one of the most burnout-inducing jobs you can have. There is constant pressure that comes from solving complex technical problems when you’re on the spot, coupled with the fact that most of the customers you’re working for are usually people who are in tough spots, that have managed to get good and frustrated before they called you. All of that kind of thing can wear you down until you’re in honest need of psychiatric attention, a long vacation, and possibly even meds to put yourself back on the straight and narrow. I know all that, because I’ve been there/done that, and I’ve seen countless tech support colleagues go there too.


Working with your mind is a weird business. You are physically able sit at a desk 16 (or more) hours a day, crunching away at tech work (or tech play for that matter). However, if you do this for an extended period of time, you stand a near 100% risk of developing one of several types of debilitating mental illness that may affect you for the rest of your life. You wouldn’t do manual labor until your body was broken and damaged beyond repair would you? Of course not. So why would you do mental labor until your mind was similarly broken and damaged?


I made the mistake once of trying to stick it out hoping things would get better. 9 months later when I ran out of mental gas, it took me almost 2 months off and some good meds to put me back together. I now recognize that I have some long term effects from that experience, in that I am far more susceptible to going back to burnout land ever since then. I am not doing that again, for anyone, for any amount of money. I will only let an employer fail to maintain my work environment at sane levels for maybe 3 or 4 months, and then I’m floating resumes and looking for my next job.

I also strongly suggest, that if or when you ever have to pack and leave because an employer can’t manage your work environment adequately, that you make really sure that you carry zero guilt when you go. Clearly explain to yourself, that it is not your failure as employee because you “couldn’t hack it” or some such. It is their failure as a company to manage a work environment that is not psychologically toxic. If they can’t manage to do that one little thing for you, then you owe them nothing, and are not responsible for their failure.


while customers are googling “how to get better customer service” and think asking for a supervisor or team leader or level 2 or manager is their Magic Ticket to Good Service, level 1 agents are googling “how to tell a customer they cannot speak to a supervisor” because they know their supervisors dont want to and cant talk to customers and we as level 1’s just arent sure how to word these sorts of things, and we are not gonna receive good Training on how to Deflect callers from talking to a higher up.


oh yeah. i think part of my dream involved seeing the woman taking a phone call. that was a problem for me at the end, was 1. i was thankful for being removed from calls and doing a non call project, but i was stll worried about taking calls. 2. at this point she was actually making a few calls a day, and i was doing none, so i felt that she was “better or smarter” than me, when, not too long ago, i was taking calls ALL DAY like a BOSS and i felt that i was way smarter and better than her. but at the end, i heard other people taking calls and i was like “OH GOD HOW COULD I EVER GO BACK TO THAT” and i felt like she was bragging by taking calls, not that she was, but i was kind of bragging a few months previous when I was taking calls and she was not.  and that bragging was a passive aggressive thing that i didnt do to the other chat/nonphone people, but i did to HER specifically because i was upset about her being distant from me.

perfectly wrong response to the shit test. better response would be, “i dont like you being distant; i can give you time and space, but i can’t give you forever. i want you to make up your mind. i’m giving you one month. also be aware that i do have feelings for you. i want to take this friendship to the next level. so think about it for a month, but if you cant give me an answer by then, i cant keep waiting, and i’m going to have to leave this relationship. whether i leave or not is up to you. its not fair that i be asked to wait on hold for longer than a damn month. my time is valuable.”

well that might be too assertive, in the sense that you are actually cmmunicating with words. alpha males know that women cant communicate with words, they’re not even AWARE of shit, they dont have to be aware of shit, so you are always responsible for them being damn big babies. babies with loaded guns hahahahaha.

5 miler walk. read that icmi.com article directly above, there were great comments on how to deflect and defuse callers who want to speak to a sup. reading this thread of comments was more useful than ALL the training i got on the “soft skills” of handling calls.

hey. SHE wanted OUT of the rel, so if she changes her mind and wants back IN the rel, SHE has to make that decision, because you think shes gonna listen to ME beg and convince and coerce her to take me back? shit i’ve already apologized too much! you cant change somebody, they have to change themselves on their own accord, and what im trying to do is change her mind about me.

i just dont think i was given a chance. i gave her tons of chances. she gave me none!

i just didnt think it would happen the way it did. that it would happen so suddenly and that it happened when it did.

i felt like she went and pulled the ultimatum move, WITHOUT ACTUALLY GIVING ME THE ULTIMATUM.

i STILL havent lost interest in her. yet she lost interest in me like 10 months ago. and now is whoring out her uterus to evern exciting dangerous challenging CHAD THUNDERC0CK out there, not even caring that she can get PREGNANT or get a DISEASE! just secs, just pregnant, just a fetus, just an abortion, just gential warts, gtfo bitch!!!!


i wasnt perfect. i made mistakes. but i was willing to work together to at least smooth things over so noone went away angry, which would be about the best “win win” we could get here.

she wasnt perfect, she made mistakes, and she was not willing at all to do any of this.

i know men and women are VEYR different, but are they SO different that you can NEVER hold a woman accountable for being unreasonable? that you can NEVER empathize with a woman and they can NEVER empathize with you?

doesnt she feel BAD about what she did? if she felt bad ENOUGH, she would apologize. so clearly she doesnt feel THAT bad. but she SHOULD! but she is also good at avoiding and forgetting about shit. she has certainly forgotten about all this by now. yet i havent forgotten about her.


i was way more hurt than she was. now she gets to continue in the job and go on to be more successful than me, becuase shes not committing career suicide! she is continuing to work at her Hard Job, and one day after Paying Her Dues, will move on to a Better Job, whereas i quit the job, have branded myself a quitter, will have a tough time getting a job of that shitty caliber, and one day she will be powerful enough to be My Supervisor, even though she is 8 years younger than me and doesnt have a degree hahahahahaha she was jsut fortunate not to go batshit crazy and quit her damn job.

i am always insecure abotu women dumping me then going on to being way more successful than me in their careers. this always happens because i am at the bottom of the career ladder, and all the women have gone on to be WAY more successful than me and make WAY more money and be WAY more respected. sometimes they get fancy graduate degrees, sometimes they make shitloads of money after moving into managment, sometimes they get a phd and become an Influential Intellectual, in this case she will prob move to a diff company which pays more and has less stress, but you can’t do that without Sticking It Out in the lower paying more stressful job WITHOUT QUITTING first!

so i respond to this by rereading what jack lambert says (see above.) that its just never worth it to go fooking crazy.

i was going crazy from the work and then i was going crazy from her, and then when the two worlds collided i said O HELL NO and it was obvious that things had crossed the rubicon, that Muh Triggers were Triggered. SNAPPED.

i snapped and she didnt.

its just SO FOOKING STUPID. SO STUPID. worst “breakup” i EVER had. EVER.

well…. before, when women had “THE TALK” with me….i would tyr to coerce them to change their mind. and i would sort of succeed, we would make out a little bit again, id get hopes up, theyd quickly start distancing again, i would fall back down, get angry, think it was “mixed signals” when really they had just been pressured by me, then quickly went back to their original position of they didnt want to be with me.

either way i should have never tried to make them “change their mind.”

i didnt really MANIPULATE THEM, really it was more like begging them to change their mind, pretty much same thing i did recently. i aint too proud to beg hahahaha. it has worked to get them to make out with me a couple more times, get the hopes up, and then trouble starts again. well in the past i have not had great communication with the women either!@!!!!!!

but it was still better than what happened with this one.

but the diff was i was closer to this woman, so this one is a lot tougher. it has been REALLY REALLY hard to accept that someone i was close to and trusted would End The Rel in this manner. I didnt want to believe that she actually WAS ending the rel. i am STILL in denial sometimes! oh she doesnt know what shes doing etc.

she ended the rel because i forced her?

if i ever ended a rel, wouldnt i blame it on the other person? they wouldnt listen to reason, they wouldnt stop their shit, so i HAD to end it. i didnt want to hurt them……well actually i did because i just essentially DROWNED them.

ohhh thats another great metaphor. you drowning a child in a tub, or smothering an elderly person with a pillow. hahahahaha. as they writhe pathetically, silent scream hahahaha, hands flailing helplessly.

thats what i felt like, and IM the bad guy????

you might not remember what was done and what was said, but you will never forget how you FELT. like total shit hahahaha. abandoned. left out in the cold to freeze to death.

lesson learned: next time i get feelings for a woman, which seems to happen once every 3 years, so, 2018 or so, tell her right away.

i dunno. i think she owes me more than i owe her! i tried and pleaded and begged and yeah thats gameless and real men dont beg, or real men dont COMMUNICATE, so it as ALL MY FAULT for not knowing that? for trying to commuicate? because real men know know to commincate? they do he man bullshit and start banging other women immediately. hahahaha ok yeah i did get total oneitis, which is essential a PREMATURE COMMITMENT.  well SORRY.

she coulda sent me one final text or email or message. she coulda sent me a message when she unfriended me. i was going to unfriend her with a Nice Polite Clarifying MESSAGE to go along with it…..but she unfriended me FIRST, wth NO message!

or she could have responded to any of my emails, at any time!

yeah the only xplanations i can come up with for Ending A Rel with Not Even One Text, is the person abused the shit out of you and you hate them for it; or you are Overwhelmed and just want to Abort Them.

or they hate you because they have no respect for you because you are a Weak Begging Beta! at least with Manly Abusers, they LOVE them and think they can CHANGE them and they keep going BACK for MOAR ABUSE! but nto so with Beta Weaklings!

I would have had better results if i had BEAT her!!!!!

maybe i should start Beating Women hahahahahaha.

this just doesnt sound RIGHT to me. but men and women are really different. but are they really SO different that they can NEVER understand one another? it seems stupid and unhealthy for women to love men who beat them. but thats what marxist psychologists say. and marxists are always wrong. and Alpha Game types are always right. and they suggest that women prefer violent abusive men. something like these men are powerful enough to NEVER TAKE SHIT from them. i mean what better way to pass a shit test.

anyway i still feel i should have been treated better and i am totally entitled to that feeling hahahahaha.  but it will take a fooking ETERNITY before i stop wanting her back. before the Flame Of Luv is Fully Snuffed Out. i always wish she will come to her senses and essentially do what i did to her: write long emails to ME, say pleeeeaaaseeeeee im soooo soryyyyyyyyy lets have long talks about this and lets get together forever.

ok shit im going to bed this is stupid. chad thunderc0ck is my name hahahaha. challenging chad.