make sure the apr 15 post is done

sept 9


ok took some nyquil, full 30 mL, at 6.15pm.

i just wanted to know what she wanted me to take away from this. in other words, did she WANT to hurt me? yes or no? And that I can’t tell. well at least i can say i didn’t deserve fookin painful revenge like that. but i want to know if she wanted to hurt me or not. normal people dont want to hurt anyone.

once again, the simplest explanation is the best: she didnt REALLY WANT to hurt me, but she just took the path of least resistance. least resistance. we already knew she didnt like trying or putting in effort.

heh. did you WANT to HURT me? the only time i ever wanted to hurt anyone was when some gurl totally broke my heart and then went on to enjoy her life of being a carefree fun luving slut, and i still sorta saw them sometimes. i wanted them to feel a little bit of the pain i was feeling, to be more remorseful for breaking muh heart. i wanted whatever chad THEY luved, to break THEIR heart.

yeah i guess i felt that for her too. but it was never really strong hate or anything. just sadness and disappointment and oh god my life is over. i didnt want to K myself but I did feel there was nothing to live for hahahahaha. one of the most important people in muh life was gone forever.

the other day i was watching die hard 1 on tv and i was like sheeeeeeeeeeeit its SHAMEFUL that I never really sat down and watched this all the way thru, because this is a CLASSIC that I can TOTALLY understand how people have watched it HUNDREDS of times and is their favorite Action Thriller of All Time. People have seen it 100s of times, can recite every line, every movement, and I totally see why. yet i had never even seen it ONCE.  i mean i had seen bits and pieces of course. but the whole movie beginning to end? nope. and that is a SHAME. that is SAD.

of course it is totally the type of movie i would luv to watch while cuddling with a waifu. like that woman. do i want to cuddle and watch die hard with this woman? or am i indifferent? i better not be!

sept 10

hmm i am wondering if i should officially lower my price to 12 dollars an hour hahahaha. probably yes.

heh. i think nyquil on friday is much better than nyquil on saturday. because now i will be ready to Job Search like a maniac on monday hahahaha.

hmmm i didnt realize nick caves 15 year old son had died and that is basically the reason for his harrowing new album “skeleton tree”. i was fortunate enough to see cave live in 2014 and that was just wonderful, awesome, unforgettable, very special, type of thing you ideally want to share with someone special although i was more than happy to go alone hahahaha. i was pretty indisposed during 2015 and didnt even know his son had died. basically tripping on ACID and he fell off a CLIFF. jeez.

of course he is very private and was not giving interviews, just had this album and an accompanying movie, and i guess both are really intense, as you might imagine. yeah that is really tragic. yeah that will take a few years to get over yikes. supposedly caves father dying when he (nick) was 19 had a YUGE impact on his life, and i have no doubt this will also have a huge impact on him. lot of pain and grief and loss to deal with. but at least he has an attractive faithful wife for the past 17 years hahahahahahahahaha.

i dunno. nick cave is just a great one of a kind guy, and he doesnt need any more grief. but i wish he gave like regular sermons on morality so i could ascertain exactly how degenerate he is hahahahaha. because i suspect he is quite nondegenerate. although he prob was back in his youth. drugs and sluts and shit. but now he is deep and good and possibly religious!

and yeah the concert was fantastic, him as a 57 year old man, didnt matter, whole band (seeds) was electrifying. totally awesome. glad to have been privileged to see that show. definite bucket list shit there. for sure. probably wont ever see them again. but really should if i get the chance.

heh. it is kind of like me losing HER. that is how pure and giving muh love was. totally unconditional. like the love you have for your child. and then they are just ripped out of your life one day. like cave says, you are changed whether you like it or not. you are instantly a different person. you dont even know how to relate to yourself any more. we dont like change, which is fine, but what do you do when life changes you instantly and permanently? you are in a state of confusion, and I guess this new album captures this confusion and uncertainty very well. he is just LOST.

and you just cant replace your son the way you replace lovers. oh youll find someone better. oh i guess it wasnt meant to be. nope. never gonna happen here. you just have to live with that Huge Hole In Your Heart and Life.

so maybe I should listen to this album, maybe it could help me hahahaha.


and its less than 40 minutes, not some 80 minute bloated monstrosity, even better.

movie trailer. i guess a lot of it was filming shortly after his son died. YIKES. INTENSE GRIEF AND PAIN.

but yeah that is totally how i would describe my loss hahahahahah. when you get dumped people tell you to get over it and she wasnt the one and oh well guess it wasnt meant to be. well instead, show them this film and when they are Numb and Crying at the end, see if they would say that shit to you hahahahaha.

so yeah thank u nick cave for explaining to the world that MY grief and loss is like Losing A Child, hehehehehehe.

so you say thats inappropriate, you can never luv your waifu like you luv your child.

well i say who are you to say that. i say ok fine its not exactly, but it is much more similar than you think! unconditional, abiding, long lasting, it never truly dies, its there thru thick and thin, good times and bad. its not some passing phase, cant be replaced.

you have this numb and confused look on your face like nick cave hehehehe. but you are not numb all the time. sometimes youre numb, many times you are confused and sad and devastated and dont know how youre going to adapt to this Big Life Change. when someone is such a big part of your life, than when they leave, YOU CHANGE.  IT CHANGES YOU and you didnt WANT to be changed like this.

now, all the people that have lost children are gonna be offended. ok fine. i guess losing your waifu is not AS bad. but it’s CLOSER to losing a child, than it is to losing some meaningless, forgettable, disposable, replaceable piece of meat on the carousel of meat. its not some passing phase.

dont tell me she was just a disposable replaceable piece of meat to me by saying i should get over her quickly!

of course i would like her to feel that i was important to her too.

i think i was for a while…..but then that ended. it was just a phase hahahaha. she didnt luv me like she would luv her child. of course, many women can make excuses to K their own children! i cant even fathom!

heh i wish she DID give me “BREADCRUMBS!” because that would mean she still cared, and maybe there was a CHANCE, and would let me bang her HARD, and that would prob be enough to make her fall in luv with me! breadcrumbs means shes giving you a CHANCE, WILLING to talk or hang out or do SOMETHING!

MANY normies just dont understand No Contact. when we autists try no contact, THEY contact US and be like oh i havent talked to you in a while.

i guess i was just kinda shocked to see that she was so willing to do no contact as well.

lots of guys threaten to K themselves too. dont leave me or ill K muh self! this is about the worst thing you could do, it makes you the bad guy, an abuser, a manipulator, a sneaky pathetic little J. I am SO glad I never did that. It’s about on par with stalking in the Creeper Checklist.

I mean I don’t think these things are so creepy, i mean you are just expressing the intense pain you are feeling!

i mean when you are being dumped you cant think straight! you can’t really intentionally manipulate someone!!!! you just act reflexively! you make nothing but impaired decisions on anything! your mind is completely fooked up! sheeeit you might just K yourself! right in front of her hahahaha. but you probably wouldnt hurt her hehehehe.

anyway i am SO GLAD that the creepiest thing I did was just write an email. Begging for communication. really that wasnt creepy AT ALL. so I am grateful for that. I could have been a LOT creepier. but instead I was well behaved and wasnt creepy at ALL.

i was pathetic sure. beeta. omeega. please respond. please dont throw me away like a piece of garbage. please try to be a little nicer to me, please dignify our friendship and tell me i meant anything to you and that you dont WANT to hurt me. acknowledge muh pain please. please end this better.

but no stalking, no threats hahahaha. i mean i had some “dark thoughts” sure. thank GOD I dont get those any more!

was in church and there was like an 18 year old gurl at the oldest a few rows ahead of me. she was kinda chubby and potatoey but she had a very cute nice face and hair and this honestly nullified all the potatoeyness. she was there with her father who himself was pretty soft and potatoey but seemed like a nice guy. i hope she doesnt become a slut. i thought about Asking Her Out in the middle of church, or maybe asking her father. for permission to date his 17 year old daughter hahahahaha. GREAT.

but yeah theres the Protector and Provider sense.  in a way you are like their new father, and they are like your child that you protect and provide for. so thats partially why its like losing a child. a child that you fook hard like some kind of porno slut hahahahaha.

no contact. WOMEN, never fook or suck a man unless it would take you two full years of No Contact to Get Over Him. thats how serious you must be about the man.

went for 2.8 mile powerwalk, listened to that new nick cave album, not really a fun listen, there are no real song type songs on it, really just kinda like poems with atmospheric ambient background music, like his previous album pushed towards that extreme. no catchy hit songs.



lot of good stuff here, i know his feels all too well, except he is younger and has more experience and is gonna have a sweet engin degree soon hhahahaah.




jan 4 2014 sat 1:58 pm

still doing laundry. i need to wait for my powerwalking wranglers to dry before i can go for a powerwalk. maybe should buy extra pair of powerwalking pants for laundry days hehe.

yep there is nothing like feeling inadequate to deal with the demands of life, to get hurled with stressful situations and just shut down or start crying, being a grown man, in front of other men. And I’m not talking about Grief Funeral Crying, that’s ok even for Masculine Men. I’m talking about I Can’t Handle this Stress Crying.

Like the soldier on the battlefield who SH1TS himself.

Of course soldiers usually get like what, TWELVE WEEKS of BOOT CAMP? ie Training and Practice?

Well, it’s a fact that there have been times in history where like 10 year old boy soldiers were recruited with no training, and just sent off to die.

so we are essentially being sent off to die, on the KILLING FLOOR, to be EATEN ALIVE, BUT the important distinction between this and WAR is that you won’t actually DIE, and you always have the choice to QUIT, because the idea of Total Unemployment and No Job sounds Better To You, and of course you don’t get to collect any unemployment bennies if you QUIT a job, and the job is SO BAD that you’d rather have ABSOLULTELY ZERO INCOME coming in, NOT EVEN WELFARE (Unemployment Bennies.)

heh if you are into Precious Metals INvesting, and you SHOULD BE, this is a great little site that lets you enter your purchases and track them over time. When you bought what, how much, what the price was that day, and how your collection Appreciates over time. Mint does NOT have something like this. I suppose a spreadsheet would be best, again; but I really wanted an App to play around with, and this looks like it will be good enough for that.

The bad news is that some of the graphs do not make Precious Metals appear to be such a Magic Bullet, and that perhaps “even” a 401k or an IRA will give you a better 30 year return on yer investment. who knows. who cares. k yourself, life is too hard. JUST KIDDING.

heh. I don’t even WANT 18yoQTs, I don’t even WANT a loving Waifu, I just want a Middle Working Class Fulltime Job that is not super stressful that I can stay at for 30+ years. And get a 3% raise every year. hehehe. and Medical Benefits. hehehe. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT, GET A MASTERZ DEGREE F4GG0T AND BE THE BEST IN YER MASTERZ DEGREE CLASS. (Just getting A Masterz is Not Enough. You have to be Competitive.)

saw sth on Fagbook to make me think. a Peer was complaining about his own stressful job, and his Mother said (Facebook Momz, yikes!!!!) “Unhappiness leads to Change.” and she is a loving and well-meaning Mother, but I def took a little umbrage there.

Because I swear to GOD things are different in 2014 than they were in 1984, MOMZ, hehehehe.

A person with a Prestigious College Degree wouldn’t be working a stressful retail job, they’d have a chill office job right out of college and have been promoted two times by now. and this is for the Unambitious College Gradz that didn’t want to get a Masterz, or as is moar likely with Presitigious Univs, a PhD or JD or MD, or a HYPSYM Masters like Top MPH (that’s Public Health for all you WORKING CLASS PROLE RACISTS) or Top MBA or Top MPP (thinking masters of Public Policy, can’t remember the f4gg0t acronym) or Top Suck Muh D F4gg0ts.

So how does the unhappiness lead to change? does it turn back time so you could have taken the opportunities you had then, and only then, that now you’ve missed, and can never get back, because of your age and your station in life? for example foot in the doors of Prestigious Companies, FAST TRACK to presitigious jobs.

You can only get on the FAST TRACK when you’re YOUNG. When you’re TWENTY, NOT THIRTY. Did that ever cross your mind, MOMZ? Or did you just marry a man who was Thirty and Stable?

Again, not hating on This Mom in particular, and I don’t want to invade their privacy, but her patronizing advice is definitely influenced by HER situation and Station in life: 60 something, prestigious college educated bachelors but no higher, happy long fruitful stable marriage to a man with a very similar station in life, who had managed to Make It in a Non-Mainstream Field by Age 30, or 35 at the absolute latest, and then starting their fam in a progressive professional leftist semi-academic solid Middle Class bubble far away from Working Class Racist Theist Savage Proles. (oooh some great writing today hehehe.)

AND ALSO, sometimes unhappiness doesn’t lead to change, sometimes it leads to MOAR UNHAPPINESS and DOING NOTHING == NO CHANGE WHATSOEVER == REGRESSION, FALLING, FAILURE, MANY YEARS GONE, and LOSERHOOD.

and then what can ya do except get on Medz, hahahaha. No, you can come to ME and I will FIX you. You and I can get down on our knees and pray to GOD to make it through one more day at our jobz without quitting or crying. If we start crying, we can run out of the room before the other grown men notice us, and go to the least used bathroom until we stop crying. then get reamed by your boss, but that’s better than getting reamed by customers. then when your boss lays you off, you give your Pre-Prepared Layoff Speech, AND you will get to collect unemployment, AND you will NOT be blacklisted, AND you will have plenty of time to search for less stressful jobs, like toilet janitor, or oil roughneck. WIN WIN WIN.

So I had to write about that. No, I do not encourage Changing in the sense of OH GUESS I BETTER GO BACK TO SKOOL AND GET MUH MASTERZ DEGREE. That is WORSE than the World’s Worst Job, that is worse than Being Totally Unemployed with NO income.