THE LORD WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS

setp 17 2016

reddit. i mean sometimes its ok but there are degenerates who think noods are fine, and being a slut is fine, and abortions are fine, very nihilistic and muh dick.

some of the advice is common sense and good, namely the stuff given by well adjusted, moral men, but like i say, theres this current of degeneracy that is just terrible. that says the being a promiscuous slut having casual secs is ok. that its ok to look at porn. that jealousy is always bad. that nobody has any responsibilities to anyone else. that kind of shitty consent morality type stuff. secular humanist garbage that really isnt that humanist at all!

or not judging someone who starts dating/fooking someone new 2 weeks after a breakup and just say “everybodys different.”

i mean they have no problem judging guys who are creepy or rapey or weird or controlling or abusive or manipulative or immature or whatever hahaha

 

oh deargod. white guy is thinking about leaving his white friends because they dont believe in institutional racism, and are narrow minded racists who think blacks have the same opportunities whites do. they dont believe in white privilege. therefore they are disgusting savages who must be dumped. this isnt even them going 1488 gtkrwn, moonman lynchin ingras, its “sorry, i just dont believe in white privilege bro.”

well no redpilled 1488ers here, but at least they said give these people a chance, dont dump them right away.

but yeah. so sad. white people dumping their white friends because the white friends do not kiss nonwhite ass and hate whites enough.

this all because much clearer to me once i understood the JQ. these powerful white men on top? theyre not white man. hahahaha. see the israel lobby and cultural marxism hehehehehe.

and also realize that many whites are simply pawns of the joos, like these whites spouting antiwhite antiracist crap. hand rubbing intensifies!!!!!!!! yes good goy hate your white privilege! give reparations to all those whites have disadvantaged!

ok. when i fell in luv with her, i wasnt really LOOKING. i wasnt really seriously thinking about going on okcupid and looking for damn sluts. i wasnt really thinking about meeting new women. and then one day i woke up and realize i had feelings for a woman i already knew.

well…not quite. it was a transition that took about a month. i forced myself to meditate and think about it. not avoid it. at first it felt wrong and weird. then day by day it felt less wrong and weird and day by day it felt more natural and right and good.

and now over the long term, the final analysis is that it was NOT wrong and weird, and it TOTALLY makes sense.

anyway. what else. i determined each job interview was like making a big 26000 dollar SALE. that is a pretty big deal eh? yes it damn well is. and not all of us are cut out to make big 26k sales. but we HAVE To be. because thats what getting a job is. youre selling yourself and the company is investing at least 26k in YOU.

yeah i just dont like when people think i had ulterior motives, when i didnt, but they wont let me defend myself. if youre gonna accuse me, at least let me defend myself. i expected the chance to defend myself from her.

yeah i am starting to get over it hahahah but i also dont want to really go on okcupid BUT i really SHOULD meet new women BUT i almost dont want to meet any women BUT dirty sluts because i am in a woman hating phase so i couldnt POSSIBLY appreciate even a GOOD woman!

yeah i made some mistakes but i think they were medium mistakes as opposed to huge mistakes. i guess the main thing to remember, if i ever make another female friend:

  1. tell her right away if i find her attractive or not, even if i am not super duper attracted to her, be like, yeah, TECHNICALLY, OBJECTIVELY, you are a 7/10, but i’m so fooked up i’m not attracted to anyone right now
  2.  but i could VERY POSSIBLY become attracted to you and fall in luv with you after TWO YEARS of solid friendship.
  3.  therefore, we need to revisit this topic every few months. feel free to ask me about it whenever, and i will make a point to check in every 2 or 3 months just to let you know.
  4.  also, here sign this jooish contract stating you will not get mad if i get feelings for you, and you will dump me Softly.

so yeah, i was a….coward bitchboi, but i still didnt deserve this. but also shes not an evil person and i can understand why she responded this way. the end. it just hurt me a LOT. and my feelings are valid hahahahahaha.

yeah it makes a lot more sense now. at least now if i ever become friends with a woman again, i can tell her,

“LISTEN. LOOK. HERES THE THING. I dont have any feelings for you RIGHT NOW, but that could DEFINITELY CHANGE. Because you are not a fat ugly old hambeast but a solid 7/10 hahahaha. just realize that if i start acting like i like you,a nd amd askig your to hang out with me all the time but you think im being weird and you blow me off, then yeah that’s your sign that I have started getting feelings for you.”

“I dont have any feelings for you right now, but you are young and not ugly, so, its not out of the question that I might be attracted to you if you were not in an LTR. If you break up with your Boifran then I have a 50% chance of trying to Date you. but im not gonna push you one way or the other because i dont encourage people to CHEAT, and if you wanted to Cheat with him on me, I would hatefook you and spit in your face and abandon you like the filthy cheater you are!”

hahahaha.

well….what i would do is call their cuck BF, tell them the GF was a cheating bitch and you should dump this bitch right now, and THEN I would fook her, get vidya of it, and use the woman as a hatefook dumpster for about 10 fooks until i started feeling too degenerate about it.

no ideally i would say god damn you to hell you traitorous evil bitch and spit on her and walk away and NOT fook her.

guy is stonewalling a gurl. reddit says stonewalling is bad

so sad, he is 30 and has never kissed a gurl yet, so of course women get weirded out when he hasnt fooked them within a month and he is making a big deal out of this whole first kiss thing….

WELL NO FOOKING SHIT ITS A BIG DEAL TO HIM BITCH, HE’S 30 AND NEVER KISSED A GURL!!!!!!!

SO IT IS A BIG DEAL TO HIM!!!! RESPECT THAT!!!!!!!!

yeah its weird but he seems to be doing allright. no major issues, stable adult, not a ton of despair or shit.

sept 19

found this guy on linkedin i used to work with at the horrible job. he was a “newer” guy but he was really sharp and smart and picked it up really fast. charming, smart white man. he did degen things like go to electronic music festivals and take ecstasy and acid there and probably bang sluts. i immediately thought he would be charming enough to bang That Woman. i dont think he did, and of course that was just my insecurity. bottom line is, he was a smart and very capable guy worthy of a more than 15 an hour job.

i randomly see his linkedin and see that he worked as a temp contract for this one company that ive been meaning to apply for the job, and he describes it as basic data entry (awesome) where he was a top performer and instructed by management to help train people to do their job better. there was a possibility to make it a temp to perm, BUT he got passed up because he had only been there 3 months. and i believe it was the perm job I saw on indeed and wanted to apply for.

why didnt he apply for the perm job? Im sure he did, and thats when they told him, sorry, you havent been here long enough, even though youre the top performer.

ok. so that means they never planned to hire externally. which is good. why not promote someone. or in this case, temp to perm.  and i am a fan of promoting from within. and yes seniority does mean something to me.

but i wish they wuld have found a way to keep him on because he is very capable and deserves a bigboy job. his big career objective is just to become a damn tier 2 already because he is sick of being tier 1 support. answering stupid calls in a call center. 1 year at our place, 4 years at goddamn COMCAST, he should be made a SAINT for that. GOD DAMN. all he wants to do is get off tier 1 phones. and he is more than deserving.  but noooooooo.  thats too much for a smart white boy to ask. also he has very good people skills.

now i didnt trust him because i saw him as direct competition for That Woman, and also I think he is a Recovering Autist who probably made a conscious effort to become so Charming, and i am jealous of people who have actually succeeded in that struggle, where i have failed hahaha.

i have been looking for some fresh funeral doom metal and esoteric might be good. i have heard about them for 20 years (well, maybe 15 hahahaha) but never actually listened to them.

anyway. that guy deserves a decent job off the phones but i hate how women can Spread So Easy for someone with just a little bit of charm. well, he was kinda handsome too. there should be a law hahahaha. dont spread for a man until you have known him a YEAR. they say the Mask Slips after a year hehehehe.

heh my mask didnt slip. i didnt have ulterior motives. i just got a new mask hahahaha. no i was never wearing a mask with her. my FACE changed. damn. and she can go spread her coont for charming handsome men from tinder. i bet this guy is on tinder hahahaha.

but damn 4 years answering phones at comcast, he’s entitled to anything he wants after that living hell.

but yeah should give this one a fair chance too, of course im familiar with the name for the past 10 years or more hahaha.

yeah i just hate not knowing what to do, and the people who do know are too busy to really help you, and push you to figure it out, which all wouldnt be so bad if you had some actual time and didnt have the person waiting on hold for you to explain the shit to them!

contacted to do a written test for part time city job which pays 15 an hour and i would LOVE to get.

so stupid though. there is only one chance to take the test. they get like 20-30 people in a room to take the test all at once. people have lives and families. you can schedule an interview, why cant you schedule the test. it REALLY smacks of making people jump through obviously pointless hoops. i hope they are not promising somebody else this job and REALLY making us al jump through hoops even more than i am thinking!

thing is, i already went through TWO testing sessions with city HR for another very very very similar job. a 4 hour written test session with 2 tests that were very similar. another 2 hour session on word and excel. 2 or 3 interviews, i cant even remember. and still nothing.

why cant they use my “scores” from those previous tests and just call me in for a fookin INTERVIEW?

when in the end, even if i get an interview, theyll be like, oh yeah dont pick him, he’s got a long gap.

but i am damn sure counting this as .5 of an interview to add to my count there!

the only thing that could make this stupider is if they are interviewing for an ELIGIBILITY LIST for Possible Jobs in the Future. I recall there was an actual goddamn posting.

but what did the posting say…….

oh fuggggg. it does say that. it is for a goddamn eligibility list. that lasts for 2 years. well at least its 2 years and not 6 months hahahahaha.

maybe GOD is calling me to be permanently unemployed just as he is calling me to never have a white waifu and white children.

maybe GOD is calling me to have a nonwhite waifu and nonwhite children!!!!!

because we know GOD WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS!!!!!!!!

that would be SO BAD though. Why cant GOD respect the white race? there are other God Worshippers who are able to be pro-white! AYO HOL UP! R U TELLIN ME GOD isn’t actually pro-white?

that would suck!

 

heheheh his family and friends still like his ex gf AND the other man and dont care that she cheated on him with the other man. i hope reddit doesnt tell him to “just get over it you controlling jealous abuser” because this literally is stupid and offensive hahaha.

thankfully reddit agreed, yes this bitch is evil, give your family an ultimatum and tell them to stop being friends with her.

you never know with reddit.

this funeral doom sounds bretty good

just got into the mood for some slow funeral doom, no excuses no apologies. but i want it to be kinda pure. like no black metal in there. not ruling out the desire for funeral doom with a touch of black metal. see: abyssmal sorrow? something like that. warning: might have drum machine, i HATE drum machines in metal. also this band lycus. def no drum machine there.

i mean it might be time to break out the EVOKEN hahahaha.

i remember when i was in high school first finding out about black metal and doom metal, EVOKEN were a new and exciting band, and i was on board with them before “quietus” came out, IE 15 years + ago hahahaha. then i lost track of them.

music schmusic who cares really. i wonder what these guys do for work hahahaha. probably make 70k a year in skilled trades hahahaha and have 3 kids apiece, nice white wives. WELL GOOD FOR THEM.

then they shouldnt abandon their families to be in a metal band, EVEN IF they are in one of the Best Current Funeral Doom Metal Bands.  not even Good Music is worth abandoning families over.

but they only do 1 album every 4 years. maybe they dont abandon their families.

well, i hope not.

heh. once i wrote a review of either “quietus” or “embrace the emptiness”, one of my tryhard 10,000 word reviews, and the band liked it and put it on their website. that was pretty neat. this was no later than 2001 hahaha.

so evoken if you are reading this, NEVER ABANDON YOUR FAMILIES. TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOUR CHILDREN. BE GREAT FATHERS TO THEM. retire from the band if it ever becomes an either or thing.  your childrens well being is worth more than any DOOM METAL.

says a guy who likes doom metal and has been an evoken fan for 17 years hahahahahahaha. i get it. if anyone gets it, i do, hahahaha. i love black metal and some doom metal hehehehe.

but you know what i luv more than black metal and doom metal?

HUHWHYTE FAMILIES!!!!!! WHITE WAIFUS AND WHITE CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!!!!

So yeah I really dont WANT God to call me to be single & childless OR have a nonwhite waifu OR nonwhite children.

i took a 50% dose of nyquil hhehehehe

got 3 job applications in today and 6.8 miles of powerwalking. netcalories of 1044 with goal of 1200. so ok i guess it was good day right. welp would have liked to do more job apps or gotten more calories off. but when you want to do BOTH, i guess its not too bad. really the more important thing is job. i should stop trying to lose weight. but would easing up on that REALLY improve my job search THAT much? i dunno.

 

 

THIS IS WORK, NOT SCHOOL

aug 19

big interview with the asians today. the 15th interview. well it only makes sense i should get to 20 then.

had that sense of nervousness last night, like i couldnt study enough about the stupid company, and nothing was sticking.

THIS IS WORK, NOT SCHOOL. You don’t come here to LEARN, you come here to WORK. DO. MAKE. Do LEARNING on your OWN time. LEARNING wastes time and money.

so say youre having trouble with a class. struggling. there is ALWAYS outside help people are very willing to give you, whether its from the teacher (maybe) or a tutor. the school often provides tutors for the popular “hard” classes in math and science. but what if you want a tutor for your JOB because youre just not getting it good enough? you want to, and you are very frustrated.

THIS IS WORK, NOT SCHOOL. NO TUTOR. figure it out yourself or i guess you werent a good fit. see ya.

or, alternatively, say you call the tutor and they KNOW EVEN LESS THAN YOU DO. they never even TOOK the course, and you’re describing to them difficult problems from the course. how do I do this integral you say, and they say, hmmm whats an integral? i dont have any knowledge or experience in the subject i’m supposed to be tutoring.

THAT was EXACTLY how the last job was. I STILL get sick just THINKING about it.

an acquaintance of mine described how he lately has developed nervousness on PLANES, which certainly a lot of people have. totally understandable. I want to go to the doc and get a few xanax for this plane ride. he said even just THINKING of the experience in the plane was starting to make him nervous. yep. i totally understand completely.

the job was like being locked in the plane all day every day.

it pushed you to a panic state of Fight Or Flight, and you wanted to Flight, but you COULDNT. It was your JOB to FIGHT.

so how well do you think you’re going to fight when you’re panicking and you want to flight? you’re gonna fight like shit, make bad decisions, and get BTFO’d! K’d!

a successful fight usually requires superior strength, and or preparation.

like if you are caught off guard by a big burly brute, you better hope you are a well trained martial artist. or have a Sidearm.

AYO HOL UP. what kind of job is only open for ONE DAY. opens 18th, closes on the 19th. pays 20 dah. not bad uh. state job so they tel you that info. anyway. that tells me that they HAVE to post the job, but there’s no minimum amount of days they have to post it. and there is strong implication the job will go to someone internal. which is GOOD! unless its been promised to someones incompetent daughter hahahahaha. which is not good.

heh. now i am not worried at all about the interview. fookin asians. last time i apply for this company hahaha. no health care premiums but they dont cover prescriptions i hear. yeah well i need prescriptions to keep me “sane” enough to essentially not be disabled hahahahaha.

millennial woes is exactly right, casual secs and promiscuity is NIHILISTIC and leads to NIHILISM.

same thing with ABORTION.

http://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/i-feel-i-have-lost-ability-communicate-people

hehehehe

had muh interview with the asians. talked to two white guys who were definitely engineerish. seemed nice but also a bit dorky. PERFECT. well the one white guy had sort of asian eyes. he could have been 35% asian hahaha. i just tried to make myself not seem like a total idiot. they have second interviews. i might get invited to that. im sure the asians will be at that one. i definitely saw asians when i went in. asian gurl at the front desk. i even heard asians speaking asian hahahahahaha.

YES I know exactly what manner of asians these are, i’m just not SAYING due to doxxing.

the white guys seemed nice. not alpha charismatic trumplike though. just straightforward sorta dorky white engineer normies. i think they want more of an engin background than i have. they were not allowed to discuss pay, or how many people were interviewing.  glassdoor suggests about 14.50 an hour. the guys did say it was hourly not salary. they could divulge that much.

they said there was training. and people who could help you. and you dont take phone calls from the customers. you just TEST the PARTS. i might even take the job if offered hahaha. it is fairly close.

casual sex and chill hangouts are   N I H I L I S T I C !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

when you are an angry 16 year old virgin, nihilism SOUNDS really kewl. but its really no way to live. its degenerate and nihilistic and BAD and shitty.

anyway i went in there thinking fook this place, fook off back to asia, you dont know how to run an american company,  and talking to the white guys i felt a little better. but yeah i def saw and heard some asians chattering in asian. i am SURE there is a double reality or classes of people here. asians speaking asian, making all the big decisions, reasonable or more likely unreasonable, and then the white goy underlings.

supposedly the bilingual asian-americans are seen as the lowest of all rather than the native asians? that seems weird. but asians are weird.

no i dont have any asian friends. or jooish friends or arab friends or black friends or brown friends or female friends or gay friends hahahahaha.

well, i will be reuniting soon with a college acquaintance who is a jooish woman lesbian hahahahahaha. i got along with her well back in the day, she was very nice to me and i was nice to her. well i feel bad even that i sorta left her in the lurch when i made a new group of friends who were more dramatic hahaha. they were good people too but they were very cliquish and i got sucked into the clique. big part of it, i was in LUV with this one gurl in the clique. that was really the crux right there.

OH ITS 440pm on FRIDAY AFTERNOON, THAT MEANS THE REJECTION EMAILS START ROLLING IN.

heres one for General Office Clerk full time at the Big Medical Revenue place that is super close. the place that has Reasonable Job Descriptions for entry level people, so I apply to all their shit except the call center CSR jobs.

actually this was a PART TIME job with them that i applied for 3 weeks ago. pretty good turnaround time guys hahaha. no it really is. i expect at LEAST a month to get a rejection email!

25-30 people in the quality testing department the job is in.

aug 20

yes as i get further out the clearer everything becomes. she just didnt want to DEAL WITH IT. you ever get something thats just TOO MUCH TO HANDLE. thats what it was for her. as soon as she saw one long email from me, she said NOPE. TOO MUCH TO HANDLE. I CANT DEAL WITH THIS. delete. not because she hated me, not because she felt betrayed by me, not because i was a horrible person, all stuff i was very worried about at the time.

also, it’s much easier to lose a friend than it is to lose somebody youre in LUV with. MUCH easier hahahaha.

plus she was in the process of moving out of our friendship anyway. well it would have been nice if she talked about that with me tho hahahaha.

shit yeah it sucks. shit YEAH it takes a LONG time to get over. at the One Year anniversary, i am actually pleasantly surprised by how much I AM Over It. It seems too fast, too soon, for something that was THAT big of a deal. should take at LEAST TWO years to get over hahahaha. well, im not over it entirely. it prob will take 2 years before i am able to have feelings for other women.

this was a great talk, i wish it went on longer. you dont have to end it just because its an HOUR, greggy hahahaha. Weev is WHITE HOT and one of the BEST young people for Our Movement. I think Greg is great, but he’s not on the Leading Edge. But he WANTS to be, he’s TRYING to be, and that is good. he embraces leading edge stuff like Weev and TRS, rather than infighting against it like irrelevant butthurt losers.

I like how Weev cracks himself up laughing at his own ridiculous jokes. he sounds a little bipolar or narcissistic but thats not really surprising.  he’s a great Ideas Man, he’s young, he’s ridic smart, and i am glad to have him on our side. i just want him to make more appearances and give more talks. make more vidyas. every time he talks he says something interesting and usually important and useful.

this is why i donate 25 euros a week to WEEV hahahahahaha.

yeah of COURSHE i would try to get weev on my podcast hahahaha. i would have him on for 3 hours and for multiple episodes. whenever he wanted.

well i mean i would have my huhwyte podcast, and then my neetcast, and i’m not sure there should be a lot of crossover. BUT THATS MY NICHE!! pro-white neets!!!!!!!!!

but pro-white is GOOD, and neet is BAD. well, thats why I focus on OVERCOMING neetness, UP FROM neetness! it’s not a celebration of neetness!!!!!! AT ALL!

I am older than weev, but younger than greg. i really identify with the younger generation here, but i am also slow to adapt to change like the older generation. like i totally understand greg’s attachment to publishing. its what he DOES. but i dont see it as a Growth Market. not that everything HAS to GROW all the time. but we WANT pro-white stuff to grow for sure!

and weev is applying an interesting advertising/marketing like perspective to it all.

i wish weev would come back to the US and do a lot more real life networking. real life networking is also VERY important. more important than publishing books. we have enough good books.

right now the hot shit is memes and forums, PODCASTS, and real life meetups and networking. getting successful, well-adjusted normies on our side. people with good jobs, wives and children. get the strong, successful alpha men on our side, and then the women will follow.

anyway lots of older huhwhytes say weev is controlled opposition, a shill, a mole, that back in the day he “hunted nazis” and now he is just rounding up young gullible nazis with no knowledge of his history.

that he is a FED, basically.

i dunno. i’ve been disappointed before. if he turns out to be a fed I will stop giving him money and singing his praises. TRS and Daily Stormer like him, so that is good enough for me. and Greg hahaha.

so yeah i am less angry at HER as well. i can totally forgive her and be somewhat less butthurt. i can totally understand why a person gets into fight or flight mode and then runs away. says NOPE. I CANT EVEN. ive done it before. i knew it was not the greatest thing to do but i just didnt care. i was that convinced i couldnt deal with it, i didnt care who i hurt. well i was never really HURTING anyone hahaha but myself. no not in a physical self mutilation way thank god!!!! but in a throw my future career away sort of way.

so yeah i dont get as mad any more about her doing something HORRIBLE to me. yeah it wasnt GOOD, but it is SUPER understandable. that doesnt make it right, but it doesnt make it horrible either. it sure felt horrible because i was in serious luv with her, and i stand by that. true luv is not something to be trifled with. its what joins two peopel together for LYFE, and creates NEW life. its more serious than cancer. and thats what i had for her. not some casual, nihilistic, replaceable, throwaway trash jooish bullshit.

joos turning your luv and your relationships into cheap chinese throwaway crap that you buy at walmart and the dollar store.

http://www.dailystormer.com/we-made-the-cover-of-time/

alt right internet trolls are the current cover of time

i guess the magazine is dying but thats still pretty big, its in doctors offices and normies homes everywhere.

ok no comments on the time article allowed. it only really mentions milo the joo queer and also weev, with some great quotes from him, telling the joo author of the time article he belongs in a fooking oven.  and of course milo is a degen and doesnt represent anyone. does he represent breitbart? im sure there are many decent breitbart readers and maybe some ok breitbart writers…..but he is not one of them hahahaha. talking about loving black dick. gay making out with gavin mcinnes to show that right wingers are not “homophobic.” i mean i guess mcinnes could be a gateway to better thinkers hehehe. but i didnt need a gateway. well im not a normie tho hahaha.

well lets say i found some young gurl who i found really qt and she turned out to be a huge slut and offer it up to me quickly. of COURSHE i would take her up on that. i cannot turn down secs from attractive young women, casual or not! but she would probably “dump” me after i banged her 3 or less times anyway. cuz i would be nervous and therefore the secs would be AWKWARD. the first time would be horrible. the second time would be a little better. by the third time, might even cross the line into good…..but by then the gurl will be turned off from the previous two bad times. there wont be a third time. of course it wouldnt be “bad” for me, it would just be awkward and very very self conscious and nervous.  and that would be enough to make it “BAD” for the woman. I would want to do it again, and she wouldnt.

 

EVEN DEGENERATE POLYAMOROUS SLUTS COMMUNICATE

aug 13

you cant even talk to normies about this because theyll be like why were you SO devastated? why didnt you just ignore her? just suck it up? why did you fall SO hard for someone you werent even fooking? why didnt you tell her earlier? its all my fault basically. and it kinda is. not that I MADE her withdraw all kindness, but I did kinda reap what I sowed in several ways.

but she was jsut as immature as i was, and usually 25 year olds are more mature than me hahahahaha. well she was a WOMAN though. women are naturally immature. like children. children who cant keep their legs closed hahahaha.

so yeah normies get their hearts broke but its not as big of a deal to them. or they dont fall so hard for someone they are not dating/fooking.  normies just wouldnt understand. they say yeaaaahhhh something is a little weird about this guy, and he should probably see a shrink and get on some meds already. oh he is? hmm well uhh maybe he should try some diff meds and a diff shrink, the current program isnt working so well hahahaha.

the ironic thing is, I think a Decent Monog Longterm Rel with a Woman WOULD help the majority of foreveralone despairing virgin men, give them real confidence in something that is really meaningful to them, and literally transform them. theyve wanted this for so long but never got it. dont you think them finally achieving it would change their lives?

but maybe it would be like winning the lottery. theyd find a way to fook it up.

i dunno. give them a CHANCE at least. if that woman gave me a CHANCE, i think i would have had a good chance of not fooking it up!

normies also dont understand why it takes us so LONG to get over somebody. so just virginsplain to them that if their wife with whom they have created new life just up and left them without a word and that was it, how long would it take THEM to get over THAT? at LEAST a year.

or the person just dropped dead suddenly one day. but still i think being left is WORSE than that, because you’re not certain that the person who dropped dead WANTED to LEAVE you. as far as you know, they still loved you till the very end.

so yeah this is rougher than a death hahahaha. because they WANT to leave you, they’re still alive out there fooking and loving OTHER guys, and they dont give a DAMN about you and your broken heart and the time you spent together. they’ve FORGOTTEN about you entirely. dead people cant forget you like this hahahaha. dead peopel arent moving on fooking and loving other people and enjoying life.

you can move on and enjoy all the cox and abortions and tyrones you want, just dump a person the right way, not the wrong way.

implying that women are even capable of doing things the right way.

hehehe well i KNOW they are, because OTHER women have dumped me the right way. and I appreciate it hahaha. thank you so much for dumping me the right way.

ok took shower, go to boring church today. i was trying to “fast” until 12pm, that would give me 18 hours of “fasting.” the old 18/6 as opposed to the 16/8 hahahahaha. i was starting to ger hungery so yeah. then ate 290 calorie breakfast/lunch.

ive been VERY good about not looking her up on linkedin or facebook or instagram or google. VERY good. so +1 to me hahahaha. i mean i wouldnt be able to see any more than her fb profile picture, but that’s bad enough. to even see ONE picture of her would be WAY too much.

then i think about people who are Friends with their Exes 4 Lyfe. I just cant wrap my mind around it at all!

i mean it could possibly be doable if BOTH peopel mutually agreed that the rel was over and that NEITHER person wanted to work on it. and NEITHER person wanted the other back. i guess I am envious to have such a Mutual, Amicable Breakup hahahaha.  seems a lot less stressful than knowing you have to restrain yourself from seeing even ONE picture or ONE comment or ONE reminder that they are still alive, for YEARS.

like i am thinking of these people i will see at this little labor day event. the one guy is married and has a kid and his wife and maybe kid will be there with him…..but he is still friends with his ex gf from 10 years ago! and they dated for several years and she was kinda crazy! and she is married to some other guy now. and she is going to this thing as well! they still see each other once a year or so! heh if i were his wife i would be suspicious hahahaha. its called a break up because its BROKEN hahahaha. but then youre jealous, youre the bad guy. maybe he gets a freecard to fook her hahahaha. now im just speculating. but this guy had a LOT more wild oats than me, he was pretty much an alpha male ladies man. now he has a good career and a nice wife and child. hehehehe funny to think that when  first met him he was an 18 year old kinda nerdy kid who had only had 1 GF hahaha (much more than i had had as a nerdy 18 year old hahaha) and I kinda Corrupted him by introducing him to MJ!!!!

well he turned out MORE than all right and I turned into a big loser hahaha. maybe winner normies can be issue free friends with their x’es. i just don’t want him to do anything DEGENERATE, because he’s a good guy and he can do BETTER than that. of course nothing degenerate has actually happened to my knowledge! i just think its weird to be friends with your x’s and to have the x at a holiday weekend with your wife and the wife is fine with it too!

meanwhile i have to make a concerted effort to never look at a single picture of HER ever again, and we didnt even date for 2-3 years and fook 6000000000000000 times like this guy and his x did!

so i am a bit jelly of a serious relationship ending without any Lingering Trauma hahahaha.

and they still have SOME sort of relationship technically!

how does his wife feel about this? how does her husbando feel about this? is she still married to the husbando? i dont think THEY had any kids. i dont fully trust her, although i always got along with her. i wouldnt want to be in a rel with her! she was kinda crazy, in the way that you can never fully trust crazy! she went on to be wildly successful and started doing a phd but then left after the masters level to make tons of money in Private Industry. probably not in a call center hahahaha.

i guess i am also envious of crazy people who can still be extremely successful despite their despair or bipolar or whatever.

anyway shes ok, she’s white, thats the main thing, so she should go down to part time and have some white kids. her husbando had a high paying job in finance or some shit. controller or CFO or some high level, high wealth Career. she can afford to take some time off and have babies. 3 of them. i think he’s white too. could be Jooish but I don’t think so. could be though. has dark hair. i never met him. but if he’s white, they should have kids. but she might pass her crazy on to them? she’s not a bad person though. would i trust her with homeschooling children? maybe. i mean having children could well be very good for her.

anyway i dont hate her, i just thought she was kinda weird, and i was a bit annoyed by her overachieving. it paid off in an impressive career though!

anyway i anticipate i will get along with her just fine, i always did before, and she was always nice to me and me to her. situation is just kinda weird is all. but theres no point for me to tell HER that! or him. if it doesn’t bother either of them, it doesnt matter.

i am just obsessed with Relationships in general. and getting Nosy into other people’s business.

especially if i KNOW the people, and there is anything weird about the rels. or the rels are ending or failing. i am interested in the Death of Rels hahahaha.

well their rel certainly didnt DIE! it changed, maybe downgraded, and in a mutual way! me and that woman, our rel just DIED. permanently. DNR. RIP. Although I for sure wanted to resuscitate it!

when you want something for so long, well its not like food and water, you wont DIE……but you do become TWISTED and WEIRD. to have an unscratchable itch for 10, 12, 14 years, and to never experience something that Normies experience.

in the mood for some depressive su1z1dal black metal, i hear this one is pretty good, and i actually remember listening to it like 4 years ago when i first discovered DSBM.

i recall it being ok. it gets good reviews.

i could very well be bipolar hahahaha. only i dont get manic episodes. i just get brief episodes where i am kinda wound up and not thinking straight. well that is a manic episode no? yeah but i am not staying up 3 days in a row Tweaking and doing impulsive shit. but i am generally “one extreme or the other” in my thoughts and attitudes. so maybe i have “mild bipolar” and taking some lithium would help me be more productive and successful.

churn out moar job apps, get thru moar interviews, and once i get a job, survive its shittiness one day at a time. put myself out on okcupid and try to get the table scraps there hahahaha. Post HER, I cant imagine ever Loving another woman again.

i mean why SHOULD you lower your standards when you are looking to spend the rest of your LIFE with somebody and you want to create THREE NEW LIVES with them? does it make ANY sense to lower your standards for that? FOOK NO!!!! Either I luv them the same or MORE than i luved her, or NO new lives will be created!!!!!!!!1111

WHY THE HELL SHOULD YOU CREATE NEW LIFE AND SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH SOMEBODY YOU ARE NOT MADLY IN LUV WITH?

or to rephrase that, someone you are just kinda “MEH” about. i realize Mad Luv fades, but i am implying that it Of COURSH follows with a deep, abiding, Loyal, Foundational, Strong, Faithful Luv.

coldworld just came out with his first album in 8 years hahahaha. cover is a little corny but album is allegedly good hahahaha.  not really DSBM as much as melancholic black metal hahahaha. i recall the melancholie2 album was decent. prob better with some MJ and good headphones hahahaha.

yeah well though i have trouble reaching muh goals, at least i have a good family and i am not a superfat slob anymore. still want to lose 10 more pounds tho. and it will be the hardest.

also now i have nice clothes to wear in the interview. and nice friends who remember me after years and invite me places. i mean i am kinda nervous because i dont have any stories to tell, and i am a huge loser and they are all happy winner normies. but i try to not ram my loser weirdo neetness down their throat, and try to be as normie as i can. play down my loserness and insecurity and self-loathing cuz i know that comes across as VERY overbearing. so i dont overbear others with it. just in this blog and when i am by myself!

i didnt overbear HER with it either, she had barely any idea how crazy i am! i just overbeared her with pathetic pleas to pleeeeeeease hang out with meeeeeeeeee pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease respond.

aug 14

just spent all day reading about metal, mainly DSBM, but some regular non DSBM like this quebec nationalist black metal band forteresse, sheeeeeit all sorts of black metal. very close to giving ruins of beverast another chance.

well lets just put it this way, i like metal Solo Projects with Real Drums. Drum machines suck. also when you add more people it risks diluting the musical vision and purity. 2-person bands are also ok.

so basically you just tell women you want to HANG OUT and then you use a little GAME and if the first “date” goes ok, then you can get a second date, and then you bang them on the second date. this is insanely slutty!

it is so insane and disgusting and horrifying that THAT WOMAN is doing exactly that with a carousel of guys she meets on dating sites and tinder!

i guess this is women’s programming to get pregnant as soon as possible, by any means necessary. and then you NEED to have an abortion or oops baby to teach you a lesson. and then you forget that lesson after a few months, become a slut again, and have another abortion or oops baby.

ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING.

welp i generally dont like 80 minute albums but might as well dive in here. i think some dude MJ lmao and good headphones would help a lot here. unfortuantely i have neither hehehe.

well even the pickup guys who like to bang sluts say that half of women dont bang on the second date. this is great news.

heh maybe half of THEM bang on the THIRD date. so, 75% of women bang on 3rd date, 88% on 4th, 94% on 5th, 97% on 6th, 99% on 7th, hahahahaha. doing a little rounding there.

i dunno. i am still not over her. she was SPECIAL to me goddamn it! she wasnt some random slut! yet to other guys she wilfull presents herself as a random slut. unbelieveable. disgusting. revolting.

interview tomorrow for part time job. 12k a year hahahahaha. well at least its permanent part time hahahaha. and i have worked with this organization before. but it is IMPOSSIBLE to get a full time job here. you have to REALLY know someone powerful . i thought i did, but i either didnt know them well enough or they werent powerful enough. prob both.

went for powerwalk. lyrinx was meh, ruins of beverast was interesting, not as bad production as i expected, but still pretty rough.

anyway i dont like having a special rel thrown away like it was not special. it makes me think the WHOLE THING was an illusion….WHEN IT WASNT.

also, i probably did NOT do something HORRIBLY WRONG AND BAD…..although it was very confusing and bad for me because i got the same reaction as if i had, and it was ENTIRELY up to me to cnvince myself that i hadn’t! and i am not very good at that!

also, i never want to do anything terrible, but i am aware that i might do something terrible, and i want someone to let me know so i can learn from it and never do it again! and she sort of let me know that i did something terrible.

but she DIDNT. she didnt do ANYTHING. maybe i did something bad, maybe I didnt.

http://www.online-stopwatch.com/cash-clock/

hehehehe time is money wagie, tick tock, back to work, another day another dollar.

so yeah i like it when the woman lets you know you didnt do anything terrible that makes you a terrible person, they say its not you its me. i like that. its cliche but it WORKS, it really MEANS something.

i dont want to be such an autistic sociopath that i do horrible things without knowing! i dont want to be a terrible person to other poeple!!!11

so yeah she could have been better in letting me know that i was not a terrible person basically.

and it took me a fookin YEAR to convince myself that she was just Overloaded and Ran Away. but jeez. at least send a messenger. send one last message. wasnt our earlier rel important to YOU???!?!?! Im pretty sure it was! dont be DISHONEST and pretend it wasnt!

but yeah its gonna be the father who teaches his daughter morals, including sexual morality. how to pick a good man. how to wait 8 dates before fooking. how to not bang too many guys. how to pick a good guy young. how to not cheat. how to dump a guy the right way. how to not lead a guy on. the mother just cant do this. because women cant TEACH shit. funny how most “teachers” are WOMEN!

so she turned out ok despite no father. she still hurt me greatly and i wish i had never met her. so if i had followed my never associate with fatherless women rule, then i never would have met her (or at least got attached to her), and my life would have been better.

i mean shit. it just sucks when you have to say “I WISH I NEVER MET YOU. YOU MADE MY LIFE WORSE. YOU BROUGHT MORE BAD THAN GOOD. YOU WERE A NET LOSS.”

when people have an Amicable Break Up, they don’t say THAT. they dont wish they never MET the person.

theres this book called The Ethical Slut which used to trigger me because being a slut isnt ethical, but i guess the book assumes a basis of do no harm, and communicate boundaries, and dont treat people like garbage, and how to communicate about awkward feelings in case your fuccboi gets feelings and you just wanna fucc moar fuccbois.

in other words, i would have LOVED being treated with the ethical guidelines advocated by The Ethical SLut hahahaha. i think.

http://candieportfoilo.yolasite.com/resources/The%20Ethical%20Slut.pdf

its NOT OK to NOT COMMUNICATE with your lovers or yourself hahahaha.  THANK YOU. hahahaha

http://openingup.net/

opening up by the degen slut tristan taormino is argued to be the better book.

heh. i am looking to the MOST DEGEN PEOPLE for advice on Ethical, Mature, Healthy Relships hahahaha. THAT is how IMPORTANT good COMMUNICATION is to ALL relationships, even degen slut ones.

EVEN DEGENERATE POLYAMOROUS SLUTS COMMUNICATE.

I agree with them that communication and respecting feelings is important, ethical, and good!

ok i think i have made my point hahahaha.

i watched “Fargo” last night on viceland degen tv. this is one of those movies that i have wanted to watch beginning to end but had never done so. i had seen the first 30 minutes recently and was quite intrigued. so i was glad to see it here and i caught it right at the beginning. decided to watch the whole thing. there were frequent commercials so that did not help. but overall i found it disappointing. it could and should have been a lot better. just because coen brothers are degen J’s doesn’t mean they haven’t made great movies. but some of them are not so great. this one tilts towards that, when I expected it NOT to.

joos writing supergoys seemed pretty condescending, patronizing, like look at these STUPID WHITE HICKS.

did the guys wife end up dying? i felt they really treated her like a piece of meat. thats somebodys mother. even if the kid is a brat and the father is a scumbag.

i guess frances mcdormand was the moral compass and that was ok…..but I would have liked to see that extend to the other goy characters, like the kidnapped wife. i mean did the big goy barbarian just knock her out, or sociopathically kill her like he did everyone else? did the kidnappers have any intention of doing a “fair” trade? were they just gonna kill the wife all along? why? why was the injun beating steven buscemi with a belt? prob because he drew the attention of the po po on him, i guess. but nothing ever happened to the injun. they never arrested him. or maybe they did later.

just seemed kinda lazy and sloppy and i know coen brothers can do better than this.

unless there are buried hints like a david lynch movie.

why was bill macy in financial trouble to begin with? why did he scam 320k from GMAC car loans if he just needed 1 car to give the criminals? it seemed like he wanted 750k to be loaned from his father in law.

maybe im just asking too many questions. but that is what i do. blame muh job. need to know everything about everything.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fargo_(film)

ok so the gmac loan is what he needs the money FOR. but why was he trying to scam them in the first place? gambling? hookers?

and why “fargo” if most of the movie took place in brainerd and minneapolis? he first met the kidnappers in fargo but thats about it.

I mean it was GOOD, but it wasnt nearly as good as i expected. it was disappointing and lazy and sloppy and i feel like i missed something. maybe they edited out important stuff for commercials. i guess the wife is supposed to be dead.

big lebowski was better, raising arizona and millers crossing were WAY better.

this should not be considered a top shelf coen brothers movie. it was lazy and patronizing. how did it win an oscar for best screenplay. how did it become such a phenomenon, with critics and fans shitting themselves over it?

i didnt really like “no country for old men” either.

i did really like the main musical theme of fargo though.

hahahahahahahaha

i didnt think it really SUCKED, I just thought it was ok, not great. is was disappointing and the coens can do better.

i have enjoyed coens films for YEARS and I totally understand and get their style. the layers and subtleties. the dialogue and dialects. ok thats FINE.

i might have liked it more if i saw it years ago, when i was more prone to suck the coen bros jooish dicks.

and i prob would have liked it moar with no commericials, and ucddling with a waifu.

that can make bad movies good.

http://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/why-did-she-break-me

its good to Grieve but dont let it CONSUME you hhahahahaha. easier said than done. well it doesnt consume me as much hahaha. but other things do.

like oh god i am unqualified at everything, incompetent, can never get a job or a woman, completely worthless hahaha.

anyway. sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit.

so lets just assume 50% of women are dirty n>=4 whores and 50% are decent n<4 marriageable women. because we just DONT KNOW, and the great rule of thumb is, always assume 50/50 when you DONT KNOW.

i can live with 50/50!

i mean i think being a high number slut who gives it up real quick is a good proxy or way to measure a womans morality and trustworthiness in general. do they really walk the walk. or are they loose. hotdog in a hallway. jsut a damn mercenary riding the coch carousel, where she has given many men a Turn. It MATTERS and STOP PRETENDING IT DOESNT!!!! But they’re not pretending, they TRULY BELIEVE it doesnt matter. totally brainwashed.

okok i need some TROB with……clearer production.  the newest one is generally rated the lowest but its the only one i havent heard at all.  plus i just straight up RESPECK this guy, he is just very special, i dont care that he is a pagan hahahahahahaha. tree worshipper.  he also has Male Pattern Baldness and a Hirsute Robin Williams like body. this endears him even more to me.

i would totally make a moderate effort to see him live. i am glad he likes to play live. why the hell wouldnt you. like these black metal phaggots that are too grim to play. or dsbm people that are too despaired to play live. come on. even trist played live a few times.

i mean yeah the fans are degenerate losers but theres probably one guy there like me who is not hahaha. who is really enjoying your show.

interview tomorrow and i am not even worried or anxious. how can you, for an 11 dollar 20 hour a week job. good god. why do i even wear a suit. why do i think i need a NICE suit.  well at least now i have a nice suit in case i need it. and i just wear it to every damn interview anyway. i am pretty happy about the suit. i had been meaning to get one for YEARS, at least 4 years or so.

i was glad to hear people on the daily shoah agree that MULTITASKING is BULLSHIT. total BULLSHIT. i couldnt agree more. but you HAVE to say you are REALLY REALLY good at it. but if youre HONEST with yourself, it just means you do a shitty, distracted job on many tasks at once. only the most autistic people like rainman MIGHT be good at multitasking. only half of the 1% most autistic people might be good at multitasking. its fookin BULLSHIT, end of story. but we are not allowed to say that. worse, we are forced to actually attempt to multitask!

i dont mind that women are like children……..except for the fact that they do a LOT MORE DAMAGE that children. they break hearts and cheat and ruin lives without remorse. children don’t do this. you dont give the baby a machine gun.

women are like babies born with machine guns. but in the past, society used to do what it could to put the safety on that gun, or take it away.

but why should women be born with something theyre TOO IMMATURE TO USE?

so they can get pregnant as soon as possible, that’s why.

and if they choose poorly, either them, the baby, or both can suffer the consequences for that AFTER the baby is born. but not before.

maybe men and women are not as different as i thought. they just want to fook any (secsy) thing that moves, no regard to the consequences. they dont care who they hurt. we are an r selected inger species hehehehe.

yeah well we WHIITES HAVE to be better than that. maybe thats how humans started, but thats not what WE evolved into. WHITES DONT DO R SELECTION. and it disgusts me to see white women doing it.

women dont have to do time in the prison of relationshiplessness hahahaha. they don’t get tons of TIME to THINK about the DYNAMICS and the ins and outs of relationships because they’re too busy being IN them. they never have a chance to view it from the OUTSIDE. think outside of the box hahahaha.

with me and other foreveralone nevergf virgins, its the exact opposite. we spend all our time thinking about rels, and exactly ZERO time actually IN them!

isnt that funny hahahaha.

holy sheet this one guy who i used to work with at my fun job which i left……..almost 3 years ago, he is still working there! this is just sad because he is older than me, has a degree, has his teaching certificate, and can get a FT teacher job, just sub shit. and they have hired two FT people in the department in the 3 years since i left, and they did not offer HIM the job! maybe they did but he said no? i wuldnt have said no! they interviewed ME for one of those jobs. i didnt get it and i was kinda pissed. why didnt they interview me for the other one? i cant remember exactly when the other one happened. before or after the one interview i had.

maybe i was that shitty of an employee hahahaha. but i dont think so. i definitely was not an electrifying team leader however, and i did not schmooze with Higher Ups like i should have. I just nodded my head and did what they told me and was nice to everybody. but the people i schmoozed best with were not higher ups. they were just level 1 saps like me, or in different departments. the maintenance guy.

heh wasnt good enough to get me an interview when i applied for the maintenance job a few months ago, for the 3 days a year the position is open. blink and you will miss it. literally.

 

 

THIS IS HOW BABIES GET MADE

july 5

found some Grade A job postings, which is kinda rare, most jobs are B- or B. Grade A you actually CARE about not making any mistakes. so should I do those super fast to try to keep my Average down?

well, don’t waste time but dont necess RUSH like a spazz either?

completed careerbuilder apply in 9 minutes. QUICK. why cant they all be like that?

just like a damn bag of meat. we are all bags of meat. like that damn tool video hahahaha. or nine inch nails. where they open up this pipe and there is this disgusting meat slowly pushing through it like shit through a colon haha.

women complain about men watching porn, well the things women DO are WAY MORE degenerate! whats worse, some pathetic neet whacking off to jooish filth (yeah that is pretty bad, but not in any way the women understand) or the women actually going out and being Living Pornography to some sleazebag?

well, in both cases you are making a mockery of something sacred. but its worse when women do it because they can get pregnant. also it actually involves two people. and not just one pathetic man whacking off to j00ish filth.

because youre involving MORE than one person and making an even WORSE mockery of the life creation process. arguably hahaha.

like a person who wahcks off to pron all the time can still grasp the importance of actual secs. i did! even though i watched WAY TOO MUCH pron, i still didnt view actual secs in that way. I was nervous because I was like holy shit, THIS IS HOW BABIES GET MADE, so i am nervous about that, and also im nervous because ive never done this before. and how soon is SHE gonna dump me. pretty damn soon as it turned out hahaha.

went to shrink. mainly talked about job search. also try to talk a little bit about THAT PERSON. I figure better to call her that PERSON instead of that WOMAN because NOT ALL WOMEN are like that hahahaha.

i said i hate thinking i was a bad influence on that person, while she was a good influence on me.

shrink responded that she prob didnt think i was a bad influence, like a druggie or a loser, like the people she cut out of her life for being druggies and drunks and losers. i hated thinking i was a loser like them. especially since i am prone to think of myself as a loser anyway.

shrink said if anything i was one of the better influences in her life! but she dumped me because SHE didnt know how to HANDLE the situation! NOT because I was a loser!

and also, she was positive to me, but she was ALSO VERY negative to me. there was SO MUCH NEGATIVE hehehe.

here is what muh new spreadsheet looks like, just for educational purposes. those top rows are frozen. i am adding new stuff to the top of the list and just adding more rows as needed. the link is to the google stopwatch. not really needed.

WEWLAD

ALSO try to look up jobs for companies on LINKEDIN. like this bigass robotics company i could not find at all on indeed. have many jobs listed on linkedin,where i can see that plenty of alums from my highly selective univ are currently employed. probably engineers making 90k a year, having grad from muh highly selective u’s engineering skool like I shold have done……

also found a treasure trove of hospital jobs that i wasnt getting because they were posted too long ago but they are still open. when i worked at my until 2013 easy fun job, i worked with a nice friendly man around my age and we got along well. he complained about his bitchy sister who ended up getting a “super easy job” at this hospital. i of course asked him, tell me about that job, i want one too. I could never get the exact title from him, dont think he knew. well i stalked the whole family on linkedin recently and found her job title there. and find that there are like 5 positions with that title. bla bla analyst. they IDEALLY want a CS bachelors (NO, not customer service ya moron!) but if his party gurl airhead sister can get this job, any ingra with a pulse can.

looks like his brother is doing a similar job.

i dont know about the guy himself. cant find him on linkedin. he had some health problems that impacted his working life and he could very well probably get SS disability. but he was a real nice guy and we got along real well and I sometimed wish I had become friends with him hahaha. I still sometimes think about what he is doing. cuz he is gonna have even harder time than me. but he had a similar work ethic as me: he didnt want to K himself being a bitch for Joos hahahaha and just wanted to do an honest job for honest pay, that wasnt all sales or ALL customer service. i know he would have not enjoyed the call center hehehehe. neither did i friendo.

but yeah of COURSHE bla bla robotics is not gonna post jobs on INDEED, they need to showcase their CAREERS on LINKEDIN. sheeeeit. might as well look for a facebook developer job on snagajob.com hahahaha.

and i am not talking about poo in loo indian contractors making 1 dah in bangalore to flag offensive content. i am talking about asian americans with top stem degrees, in san jose making 200k a year Managing Projects.

july 6

welp big interview tomorrow. compliance specialist! I dont even know what that IS! I applied for many other jobs at this large multidepartmented institution of higher education hehehe. why couldnt one of the OTHER jobs have called me for an interview?

i guess the good lord likes testing/torturing me with confusing shit hahaha.

unfort Seeming Confused is the worst way to get a job. you have to be confident and very competent, or at least SEEM that way, which is hard for me, who has been Unemployed for a Year and Hasnt Made Out with a Woman in 10 Years hahaha.

pay band STARTS at 49k? and this guys an ACCOUNTANT and he decided to call ME for an interview? are people really THAT bad at “Talent Acquisition?” apparently. the office is full of what sounds like black women hahahaha. i guess this place is HUGE on Diversity in the Workplace. probably a reason why a fooking white male cant get a job there unless they are AWESOME, which unfort i am not.

oh well. go to the damn interview and present a confident demeanor like trumpenfuhrer1433.

there is a FOOKLOAD of carbs and sugar in coca cola and other soda hehehehe. it might not have as many calories as you might think, but the carbs and sugar are ridiculous. absolutely off the charts. i say this because i was brought a soda at muh social event and since the new year i have essentially given up soda, just getting water, and always specify water unless they bring me a darn soda. i also went way over the top eating a damn huge burger. it was a good burger but it was so heavy and calorie laden hehehe totally rekt muh diet and also disturbed muh sleep at night. NEVER AGAIN!

daniel radcliffe is playing a skinhead neo nazi hollywood nazi 1433 crowd in “imperium” which normies will never recognize as the title of yockey’s seminal book hehehehe and which i doubt the j00vie goes into any detail about

heh updated spreadsheet to have a goal of 400 jobs. now i have a percentage meter that creeps up by 0.25% whenever I finish one job app hahaha.

well THANK GOD for this spreadsheet, and giving me the idea to use this spreadsheet, because its made the job search a teensy bit more bareable, which I kinda needed. to get to god damn 400 jobs. even doing 10 a day that’s still 40 days.

but really at 14 minutes an app, I should be doing at LEAST 20 a day. so now that’s 20 days. hmmm.

and i know all this because of the spreadsheet.

ridic interview tomorrow, I found out SOME info about their “ecommerce marketplace” system and their software bla bla so I will make it sound like i did some homework. Will state the basical account equation and shit abotu debits and credits.

heh this was just in muh youtube window.

this could be good. apparently it is “blasphemy worship” and this might be the band that led up to teitanblood. maybe. could be confusing another “P” band.

i dunno they did a split with teitanblood, who seems more grim and serious. they are both from madrid area.

anyway i guess i just like that aesthetic. that type of artwork with black and white skeletons and goats and red band logo. and this album cover always stuck with me (above.)

or i could have been thinking of THIS album cover hahahahahahahaha

I woke up in the middle of the night with muh tummy hurt from eating too many hamburgers hahahaha and thought wow, i have literally failed at everything every. i am the real master of failure. everything i tried i have failed. everything important to me i have failed at. all the important things of life: women, relationships, friends, jobs, career, education, i’ve more or less failed at. i drank some pepto bismol and thankfully was able to get back to sleep.

and do a paltry 5 applications today. down to a darn 13 minute average but i fully expect that to go as high as 17 haha. 21 jobs in the spreadsheet so far.

shaved scruffy beard in anticipation of interview tomorrow.  electric shaver always misses some hairs so you need to go back and do it twice hahaha.

want to go for powerwalk here.

ok, did that, listened to some blasphemy and ritual killer and then new fatherland.

the blasphemy album is good fun despite not being able to discern any riffs. great “atmosphere” of wild raucous drunken evil blasphemy hahaha. but you can only listen to about 14.33 minutes at a time tops haha. because they dont seem like real actual songs.

i will lie and tell them tomorrow that I have a 30% chance at getting the nursing home payroll job, and also a 30% chance of getting the education/training center job. hehehehe.

is it this hard for other people? do they too have such a HARD TIME adapting to their jobs, doing their jobs……and getting the jobs? do they have to also apply to 400 jobs? do they have just as good of a system as me? with alerts ad spreadsheets and shit? 10 page packets to every posting? maybe thats WHY I’m only getting a 5% interview rate. WELL, no packet seemed to be about the SAME. I figure the Packet gives them more information IF THEY WANT IT. (references, letters of recommendation, unofficial transcripts.) in addition to the standard cover letter. also have a long resume in there of coursh.

and that person just finds a new job in a month. probably just yes to one of the RECRUITERS calling her looking for a body to stick in a seat. and she probably just say ok its just a job, it doesnt have to be FUN, it’s just take it until i can find something better, not the end of the world LOL. at least I have muh weed and all these men to play with hahahahaa.

whereas i am intentionally trying to stay away from phone jobs because the very word still strikes extreme fear in my heart. and i would rather go from 15 DAH to 12 DAH to not have to experience that again.

i have very low confidence but i still think i am smarter than average people. like average people doing average jobs. my prev job was tough as hell and these people were smarter than you thought. and I was STILL smarter than them. also it doesnt make you SMART when information is hidden and you have the “SILO MENTALITY”. where there are secrets and shit. that doesnt make you DUMB when you arent privy to the SECRETS.

of course its easier to learn the secrets when you are a 25 year old woman and everyone wants to fook you or marry you hahahaha.

i might not be smart as some autistic engineer, but im no idiot, am i?!?!?!?!?! why cant I just get a damn 14 dollar an hour job? or 12 dollar an hour full time mon thru fri 9 to 5 job?  not some “casual” “rotating shift” “no guaranteed hours” “this position is not intended for someone who wants health care benefits” 9.50 an hour 30 hour a week job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

what do the power lifting skinheads in blasphemy do to make their 14 dollars an hour?

they probably dont and are on canadian disability and welfarebux hahaha and then spend the money on booze and drugs and come out with one album of unintelligible “songs” every 15 years hahahaha.

kinda hard to believe that the orlando shooting has already gone out of the news cycle hehehe. like was the guy really a homo hehehe or was that all just speculation and rumors.

TORTURE PRON : THE DEGENERATE PSEUDO-RELATIONSHIPS WOMEN HAVE

june 19

happy j00 years eve. if you are a woman making out and sucking dik at midnight, congratulations, you are an unmarriageable whore degenerate. enjoy getting old with your cats and fatherless mud children, ya fat piece of shit hahahaha. things are alot worse for you at 30 than they were at 20, eh? bet you wish you married your first BF who you callously threw away because you just had to get more “Experience.” now HE’s happily married with 3 children and making 80 grand a year and wouldn’t think of taking you back.

Anger towards women much??? hahahaha. like i said, I’m in a phase. phases last at least 3 months.

or maybe he’s still heartbroken 10 years later and became a huge loser and hasnt been with another woman since, and would gladly take you back, even though youve gotten a lot worse, but you dont want him because he’s more pathetic and unnattractive than gangster thug deadbeat blacks hahaha ya damn dirty MUDSHARK.

BURN THE COAL, PAY THE TOLL.

ONCE YOU GO BLACK, WE DONT WANT YOU BACK.

did i post this DF post I made yet? well here it is::::

Welcome to DF! Thanks for sharing your story and feel free to share more.

I am not a professional and can only speak of my own experience, but many of us seem to have shared some similar experiences, hahaha. So I can’t really add much new to this topic.

One thing I do find interesting is how bad people are at reading signals. In my opinion, it’s much better to have an open, direct conversation rather than rely on nonverbal signals to do the talking.

However, when I have feelings for someone, I feel like the signals I’m sending them are impossible to miss. How can they NOT see I have feelings for them? So it is possible that this woman already has an idea that you like her. Maybe not, though. Just as signals are often unnoticed or misinterpreted, people can also be obtuse and not notice obvious signals.

Well, probably some signals of some things are clearer than others. I don’t know. I had a similar situation that ended badly and I have been in pain and confusion for months afterwards. Just not knowing, not understanding, being confused. Not fun!

So for this reason, I always encourage to just talk to the person. Or write them an email. Or send them a text saying “by the way, the person I like….is you” hahahaha. It might not change the general outcome, but I think it’s a much better way of dealing with that outcome.

Of course many people are not good at communicating either. You can want to communicate with them, and they can refuse to communicate with you, and if you’re like me, you may desperately beg “PLEASE RESPOND” hahaha. Sure sign of a bad situation there, haha.

Anyway maybe telling her how you feel, and it doesn’t need to be a big dramatic thing either, maybe just something like “yeah I think I have a crush on you and I was really surprised to see you dating this new guy so soon. Couldn’t you tell from the way I was acting? Have you ever had feelings for someone they did not return? How did it make you feel? How did you handle it? Maybe we should spend some time apart until this blows over. Call me if you feel like dating hahaha”

Maybe try to help them understand how you’re feeling, by getting them to think of a time they were interested in somebody who wasn’t interested in them. I can’t imagine this is ever a pleasant feeling. One-sided, unrequited feelings.

I’ve only ever been on the giving end of one-sided feelings, but I imagine being on the receiving side of it is very awkward, and we are well aware that many people avoid anything awkward like the plague. Just ignore it and hope it goes away. In my opinion, this is an immature way of “dealing” with things. Probably the pain of having one-sided feelings is a lot worse that the pain of awkwardness the receiver of one-sided feelings feels.

Knowing what I do about having one-sided feelings, if someone ever felt that way about me, I would want them to talk to me about it. But I’m not sure if I’d be mature enough to say “You seem to be acting weird. Do you have a crush on me or something?” hahaha. Well, I would HOPE to be that mature.

At the very least, telling her might give you more of a sense of closure, and be able to move on and get over it more quickly. Like, I clearly told her, and she clearly said yes or no. Of course she might not clearly say yes or no….. At that point I might put my foot down, and say “I need to know yes or no. Think of when you had a crush on somebody, wouldn’t YOU want to know yes or no?”

But I think anything that isn’t a definite yes……is a no. “I don’t know” = no.

OK that’s enough of my unsolicited advice, hahaha. I’m not telling you you should do this necessarily, but just something to think about. I know in my tribulations with unrequited feelings, I wish I had been more direct and timely with my verbal communication. Please let us know how things go!

Also, I think a gap year is a good thing. I wish I had done a gap year….or 2 or 3! I was wayyyy too immature and unfocused when I started college (“uni” as you Brits call it, haha), and as a result I got a useless degree, and have not really moved forward in my life in the 10 years since graduating uni. At 30+ years old, I still feel like I am 18-20, hehehe. Also I wish I had seen a therapist at around that age (18-20), which might have helped address my issues before they became bigger problems. Also I would caution you not to use drugs or alcohol to try to escape your worries! Those can become very bad habits that ultimately just make things worse.

Good luck and please let us know how things are going!

END POST

on a guy who works with a female friend and he likes her but she doesnt like him. and she apparently has no idea how he feels. how does this even happen? i know signals suck, but thats one of the easiest signals there is!

another post i just made today:::

I think different people have different expectations regarding sex, and it is best if we can pair-up with somebody who agrees with us on this issue. For example, I have no interest in casual sex. I think sex is inherently very powerful and profound, as it is the process that creates new life. But because it has a “pleasurable” component (supposedly, hahahaha), I think a lot of people try to separate that pleasure component from the reproductive component, and that can cause mismatches of expectations among people. It possibly explains the motive for casual sex, in that it’s something you can do for “fun”, and take steps to minimize the reproductive aspect. But even when I was younger and had a MUCH stronger libido, I didn’t want to have sex outside of a committed, meaningful relationship, possibly because I felt the hedonistic/pleasure aspect could never be fully separated and compartmentalized from the reproductive aspect. You were sharing something deep and special with someone else, so ideally you would have a special relationship with a special person.

So as a 21-year-old virgin with no success with women, I was feeling increasingly insecure, as all of my friends were not virgins, had been in longterm relationships, etc. I think I made up my mind to just “get it over with” and see what happens then. I met a young woman who was very experienced and she was very willing. Not surprisingly, I got feelings for her very quickly, and was heartbroken when she got bored with me. I felt a bit resentful that I had “compromised my ideals” and had “thrown my virginity away” on someone who wasn’t interested in a real relationship. I vowed that I would re-establish my original plan of “waiting for somebody special.” (Not that I didn’t think she was very special at the time! She just didn’t want to have a relationship with me.)

I soon met another young woman (I was in college/uni, never again was meeting women so easy!) and we began hanging out and I started to get feelings for her. I had a few possible chances to have sex, but I said to myself NOPE I just want to take this slowly and just enjoy non-sexual physical things like cuddling and making out (which to me, were very enjoyable and MUCH more in my comfort zone than sex, which seemed so special and serious! Unfortunately the people I was interacting with did not seem to share my opinion on that.). She dumped me soon after because she felt I was wanting a serious relationship (and I did!), but she did not. And then I was angry that I DIDN’T have sex with her when I had the “chance.”

Then I finished college and tried to become an adult, hahaha, and have been a spectacular failure with women ever since, not even getting so far as “casual dating.”

For me, I have come to accept my own rather traditional, conservative views on sex. It’s been pretty easy accepting that, and a lot harder accepting OTHER people’s more casual attitude towards sex. But I accepted that my ideal partner had to be someone who agreed with me on this point.

(For what it’s worth, this has given me a clear perspective on “the double standard” between men and women, i.e., this “double standard” is explained very elegantly and succinctly by the very different reproductive roles of men and women. That is, women face much greater risks/costs/disadvantages because they get pregnant for 9 months, while a man can impregnate 10 different women in a day and then run off in the night, with no further responsibility required! For me, this made perfect sense when considering women as “the choosers” and men as “the initiators” or “the salesmen.” Of course, I felt angry and unconfident and like a failure, because I was a particularly bad “salesman” and couldn’t get any women to choose me!!)

So in short, I personally don’t care for casual sex, because I believe sex is by nature not very casual, but instead very intimate, so it is best experienced in a truly intimate relationship. However, even though I wish I had lost my virginity in the context of an intimate relationship, I am kind of glad I “got it over with” when I did, because like you say, there is a very real stigma against male virgins.

However I guess I practically AM a reborn male virgin at 30+ years of age, because I haven’t had any experience since, because I am stubbornly holding out for a real, intimate, committed, longterm, monogamous relationship, which has been VERY hard to come by hahaha. If sex is difficult to get (although its hard to imagine it as such in the hypersexualized culture in which we live!) then a committed relationship is even more difficult!

So yeah it really rustles me to see this “hypersexualized” culture where sex is treated as a hedonistic, pleasurable thing, with no deeper meaning, like the “hook up” culture and “casual dating” and “chill hangouts” and tinder and such.

That being said, if I were being offered casual sex, I would probably take it, just to experience it once again after so many years. But I am confident that it would never replace my life-long goal to find a long-term partner to have children with.

Getting older and thinking more about having children definitely shifted my views on sex, made me think more about it as The Life Creation Process. I began to feel a deeper respect for life itself, and the process which creates it, and then feeling disgust to see people treating it like some hedonistic game.

People are gonna definitely disagree with me, but this is just my own opinion! I am not judging anybody here. Sometimes people go through different phases/stages. Sometimes you want casual sex, sometimes you only want intimate sex within a serious relationship. I simply have never made any serious effort to pursue casual sex!

And also I would reiterate that if you have sex with someone who has vastly different views on sex as you do – for example, you take it very seriously, and they take it very casually – that is probably not going to end well. Regardless of your beliefs, both people should probably be on the same page.

Let’s talk about SEX, bay-bee hahahahahahaha

Anyone else feel free to rant, and make my rant look like less of a rant, haha.

end post.

me talking to a 21 year old male virgin sperg who just needs to get drunk and bang some stupid slut like i did when I was 21. then fall in luv with her and get thrown away by her and only have secs 2 times in your whole life hahaha.

some more posts in the thread, by me, basically talking to that guy:

well….. just to clarify, hehe. Meeting women wasn’t “EASY” per se, as I for 3 out of 4 years I struggled greatly with that, and didn’t meet any women, was painfully shy and withdrawn. However my final year I met a new group of friends who turned out to be very good, nice, decent, great people, thank goodness. They were also very social. So my social life jumped overnight from having 1 or 2 friends and knowing no women, to having 3 or 4 or 5 friends and knowing several women, and meeting new people regularly. Really I just got lucky by meeting the right group of people! Very lucky, and I am very grateful I met them, because like I say, they were good friends who accepted me for who I was, and I did not have to “wear a mask” or try to be someone I’m not in order to fit in with them.

Prior to that I always felt like an outsider, misanthrope, loner, but I also wanted to have real friends and to “fit in” socially to some extent. Which I think is natural. I’m still basically the same way, always have been.

So it was for the first time in my life a socially stimulating and exciting time. I was unprepared for it. I enjoyed it, but I also had a bad habit of drinking too much, and also I “had to” drink in order to have any confidence with women. Indeed when I first met the woman I would lose my virginity with, I was quite under the influence, for better and for worse.

I can’t recommend drinking to excess, however I also can’t deny that it helped “take the edge off” when talking to women, “liquid courage” and all that. But I was also drinking to escape feelings of depression and doubt in general, so, definitely not a good thing.

Ideally, I would have faced my anxiety with women WITHOUT the use of alcohol, and just gotten used to talking to them without alcohol.

Well, to be fair, after the initial first meeting, I was completely sober when hanging out with and “getting to know” the women.

But yeah, maybe “EASY” wasn’t the most accurate word, because prior to that, meeting women was terribly difficult, and since then, meeting women has been terribly difficult! It was really a serendipitous thing based on my new circle of friends at that time. In some ways it felt like a temporary window into “normal” social life, hahaha. I just wish my few experiences with women had been more long-lasting!

And when I say “hypersexualized”, I don’t know, I could be completely wrong about that. Part of that probably comes with my own obsession with sex! And creating this possibly-fictionalized nightmare-world where we are living in a thoroughly Decadent and Debauched world, akin to the Fall of Rome! But I am still convinced that there is generally a lot of casual sex going on, hahaha. Stories of high schoolers sexting each other and such. But you are right that to some extent, this stuff has ALWAYS been going on. I think it is part of being human that we have the height of libido from ages 16-20 or so, and this is probably part of our prehistoric past trying to compel us to reproduce as soon as possible.

I still wonder considering all the drama between men and women, if people are really communicating about sex, or relationships, as much as they should be. I am the world’s biggest fan of Communication, I can’t even begin to emphasize how important I think Communication is in any relationship. People need to communicate their expectations and thoughts and feelings to each other, and they seem so bad at doing that!

But yeah I hear ya, it is very hard finding someone you connect with. Fortunately I have found a few people that I did feel a real connection with, that I did want to have a serious relationship with….but the feelings were never returned, resulting in heartbreak for me.

It’s hard enough finding someone you have feelings for, and THEN they have to have similar feelings back towards YOU? What are the odds of that? That’s like 1 in a million TIMES another 1 in a million, therefore, the probability of having a successful relationship are like one in a google, hahahahahahaha.

I am probably making what Dr. David Burns calls a “cognitive distortion” there, which is leading to that overly pessimistic conclusion, hahaha.

Well you try to have a good day, and always feel free to talk more about sex, or especially Intimate Relationships, which is one of my favorite topics, haha.

….
“Hahaha” is really just me laughing at my own stupid “jokes”, which I often do multiple times in a post, and more or less indicating a light and relaxed tone. I suppose it is my own alternative to “LOL”, which is technically meaningless conversational filler! But basically it is my attempt to keep a sense of humor about things, even things that might not seem humorous. If I weren’t laughing, I’d be crying…hahahaha. :smilingteeth: Certainly there is not much funny about people breaking each other’s hearts, people throwing other human beings away like garbage, people going through the mere motions of a relationship and going through a revolving door of “lovers”, etc. But I have found a sense of humor, or even just trying to have a sense of humor, to be helpful in getting through the daily struggles! But sometimes it’s a lot like “gallows humor”, or “whistling past the graveyard!”

I meant to point out that I too felt like a total outsider, until I eventually met some people who accepted me for who I was, and then I felt more “connected”, like less of an outsider. I was thankful for that, and it taught me that no matter how much of a “weirdo” I thought I was, I still did desire companionship with people, and was even able to succeed at it to an extent. And just to clarify, these friendships were not what I’d consider “casual”, rather I meant the word “casual” to apply to the short-term “relationships” I had with women at that time. And I indeed wanted those relationships to be more than short-term or casual, but unfortunately, the women did not feel the same way.

I used to be a much clearer and better writer, I swear!

Anyway, I’m kind of in another misanthropic outsider loner phase right now, where I don’t really feel close to anyone. I have drifted away from those old friends, largely due to time and distance, but there are no hard feelings thankfully.

I think even the “weirder” of us are capable of deep and meaningful relationships, but it can be very difficult to find the right people to do that with! Or sometimes we put up a “wall” which can be difficult to take down. I definitely have a wall up right now, and I honestly don’t feel like taking it down!

And then we get into the idea of “SHOULD” and we “should” do this and we “should” do that, the tyranny of “should” etc. Yeah, I “should” let down my wall, and I “should” make more of an effort to make new friends, or meet new women, but I don’t really want to!

For me, I see it as part of the grieving and recovery process from getting over this woman I used to know. She was the person I felt closest to, then I got pretty strong feelings for her, then that came to a catastrophic, horrendous end, and it’s taken almost a year to even begin to move past it, and her being gone has left a huge void in my life, and I still can’t envision another person filling that void. So I guess I am trying to fill that void myself.

It’s also well worth noting that it’s possible to have very close male/male friendships. There have been times in my life where there was a mutual “mancrush” and I got along with male friends in such an unabashed way that it might make some men uncomfortable. In other words, it’s possible to find a sense of intimacy, connection, and closeness with other men, in the context of a close, albeit completely platonic, friendship. In this way, it’s somewhat possible to “substitute” for the intimacy that you / I / we all are seeking with a woman in a romantic relationship.

Needless to say, these type of male friends are not easy to come by either!

I’m rambling again, hahahaha. Take care and try to laugh about the un-laugh-at-able!

END POSTS

well this is fookin CHEAP and WEAK and LAME, RECYCLING posts like this, hehehehe. well the posts i make there are pretty relevant to this blog, of course i would be banned there for saying most of the other stuff i say here.

but yeah the 21 year old sperg virgin did a thread called “sexual expectations” and I just had to take that b8 hahahaha. I totally sympathize / empathize with these lonely sperg virgins. but they are young and so it causes them more distress. i have learned to live with it and laugh about it bitterly hahahah. these kids have no sense of humor about it.

its just funny and not funny how women don’t treat secs as seriously as i do. YOURE THE ONES WHO CAN GET PREGNANT, YA STUPID B!TCH!!!!! YOU SHOULD CARE MORE! YOU SHOULD BE TAKING THIS VERY SERIOUSLY!!!!!! NOT ME!!! I CAN JUST KNOCK YOU UP AND ABANDON YOU!!!

so yeah it DOES make me mad to see women just GIVING it away. they obviously need strong fathers to TEACH them correctly and PROTECT them and to make sure they get married YOUNG to a GOOD man!

instead they have single mothers who are themselves coch carousel riding sluts! with tramp stamps! hahahaha.

WOULDNT YOU RATHER NOT PUT YOURSELF IN THE POSITION OF HAVING TO DECIDE WHETHER OR NOT TO GET AN ABORTION? ABORTIONS AREN’T FUN!!!!!!

GETTING PREGGERS ISNT FUN!!!!!!!

I have to MANSPLAIN this to WOMEN!!!!! UNBELIEVABLE!!!!!

WOMEN DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT IT MEANS TO GET PREGNANT!!! THEY WORRY ABOUT IT LESS THAN MEN!!!!!!!! WHAT IDIOTS!!!!!! I HAVE SUCH CONTEMPT AND DISGUST FOR THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hehehehe like i said, just going through a phase. I have a lot of woman-contempt due to the ridiculous situation I’m in. i mean COME ON. you can do A LITTLE BIT BETTER THAN THAT, WOMAN.

SHIT, BITCH.

I wish I could just be OVER her, so I could be interested in OTHER women already. because OTHER women are gonna be BETTER to me. NICER. more MATURE. better COMMUNICATORS. not so DISAPPOINTING.

I will go on the internet and HELP OTHER PEOPLE stay out of or fix shitty situations like the one YOU put me through and made me a helpless victim to. hahahaahaha.

Maybe thats the point of this pain. It might not have been a very valuable, useful, meaningful lesson for me, however i damn sure wont make the same mistake again, AND I can help other men. So maybe that does make it worth it. Or at least, more worth it than I thought it was! I still wanna sm0ke tons of w33d tho hahaha.

8 interviews, 180 applied jobs, 1 offer hahahaha for call center. 8/180 = 4.4% hehehehe.  that seems pretty good atually. apply for 100 jobs, get 4 interviews.

was watching a natgeo thing about this j00ish dr shulgin who was into researching psychedelics and their use in therapy. he thought ecstasy / mdma was the greatest thing since sliced bread and allowed you to luv your self rather than hate your self hahaha. I thought well that sounds nice, maybe I should try ecstasy, never did. in fact it might be hard to get pure mdma nowadays, the big thing nowadays is “molly” which you never know what you’re getting there.

plus I heard ecstasy makes you very despaired afterwards, a horrible crash, and also puts a permanent hole in your brain every time you do it.

well, i would do only a small dose hehehe. i am all about Experimenting with Psychedelics to try to help with Despair.

Also I think if you get stuck with some mediocre boring ugly broad, you can take ecstasy together and that might make you feel more grateful for her hahaha.  improve your shitty rel. where you are stuck with a hambeast and can’t stop thinking about the gurl you were in luv with who rejected you 5 years ago. why cant you luv this hambeast like THAT.

mckesson regularly has entry level full time jobs which I apply for regularly and get rejection letters regularly. it would be NICE to get an interview just once from these people. getting a Data Entry Clerk job with High School Level Education is like getting into HARVARD hahahaha.

maybe I should stop putting that I am a WHITE MALE hahaha. and tecnically I DO have a disability, I have Crippling Depression that makes it virtually IMPOSSIBLE for me to WORK like an average employed person hahaha.

well, disabilities might be bad. but being a nonwhite female is definitely very very GOOD haha.

Getting a job at mckesson is harder than getting secs from a woman! and women are huge sluts who give it up real easy! but not when youre a neet loser hahaha.

HEY, i was kinda a huge loser when I first met her, and I was an underachieving, angry, bitter, underconfident nearly-neet loser when we BECAME FRIENDS!!!! and she didnt seem to care. she only CARED when I started LIKING her.

yeah I GET it, being liked by someone is awkward and frustrating and you wish it would just all go away. I GET it. (I hate when people say I GET it, I GET that bla bla bla bla. Just say “I UNDERSTAND” like people used to say.)

sheeeeeeeeit.

sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit.

ehehehehehehe.

well, almost 10 applications today, so that’s good. i did 10 job related THINGS today, like update profile on this staffing agency site. funny how they stopped calling me after i turned down the one call center job. so you can still use me to get your commission! just place me in a non call center job and i will be A Placement who gets you PAID! Dumb Bastards.

stupid bitch hehehe. cant even talk to me yet she sure talks to other guys and gets FOOKED by them, doesnt even CARE that she can get preggers. so what if she does, she can just murder her baby. no big deal. sex is no big deal and its ok to do it with sdtrangers.

partially i am just JEALOUS of people who ENJOY sexs and dont get so NERVOUS about it.

well i get fookin NERVOUS about it ok?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? and the only way I am NOT gonna be nervous about it, is to have a ton of secs I guess. on a regular basis. that is the main way to do it i guess.  and also have lots of valium on hand if i ever get a chance to have secs with some dirty wh0re haha.

if youre not nervous about secs, youre a fooking slutty whore, bitch. hahahaha.

thing is, she was WAY less slutty than average. I am just saying these horrible things about her because I am FURIOUS at her. and theres nothing I can do about it. but keep applying for jobs, going on interviews. so 4% of applications result in an interview. if 4% of interviews result in an offer, then thats like 16/ 10000 chances….. ok gotta apply for 625 jobs to get a job. at like 180 so far. ALMOST THERE!

you SHOULD be nervous about secs with some strange man you just met, ya dumb crazy whore!

sex is an inherently intimate act! you SHOULD be nervous about it period! unless you’ve know the person for years and had secs with them many times. and the first time you have secs with them, you SHOULD be VERY nervous. and that should only be at LEAST 6 months after you’ve first met them.

THAT’S THE RULE.

got some over the head headphones to replace finished earbuds. of course they are cheap headphones as well. Well if I can get 3 to 6 months out of them I will be sorta happy. stupid chinese crap.

well i learned from the Mutual Friend that That Woman has found a new job after only being laid off no more than 1 or 2 months. sounds like in a tech support call center, hahaha. I hope it is on PHONES and not some supervisor bullshit. I hope she has to take so many calls she fooking goes crazy and QUITS. I HATE her being more successful than me. She is stupid white trash and doesnt deserve to be more successful than me. go fook some more ingras and let them pay for your bullshit, bitch.

i mean EVERY woman whos ever rejected me has become more successful than me, and I dont care about that any more. well, im sure i did at the time.

fook it. i just hate all women. i will continue to be in a woman hating phase for AT LEAST 3 more months. probably more like 6!!!!!!!! i just hate women all right! leave me alone! i hate them because they are pieces of shit that break your heart and dont care! they dont give a shit about human life! they throw people away like garbage, they play around with life creation like its nothing, they kill their children like theyre garbage, they do terrible things without remorse, they are sociopaths with no heart or conscience, THATS why i hate women! I have VERY GOOD reasons! or at least very good reasons to hate HER! unfort I just dont want any other women. the only woman i WANT, I also HATE. never a good situation. I just wanna smoke a pound of w33d.

its like she’s BEATING me at life in every way. can do a job that i can’t handle. she can handle life and doesnt fall apart. and she doesnt need a loser like me bringing her down. thats why she Cut Me Loose. I was just Dead Weight on her life.

yeah well even when youre throwing away dead weight you should still do it nicely.

plus it sucks BEING that dead weight and KNOWING it.

took a .7 dose of nyquil, sheeeeit. gotta respond to this mutual friend and I dont want to say TOO MUCH about that woman….but i AM butthurt! i feel i will NEVER get over her and I HAVE to get over her in order to ever be with someone else! And I DO want to have a Wife one day, a Special Woman! and since it CANT be her, it HAS to be someone else! And Im just not ready for that! I just want to work like an adult and smoke weed for a year until she is such old memories I never think about her and dont really want her!

got some protein bars from the store. i originally wanted to get some Protein Powder but it was 20 bucks for a big container. I might have gone with a 10 dollar smaller container. come on. so i went with buying 2 small protein bars. with 20 g of protein each.

 

HONESTY ISNT THE BEST POLICY, ITS THE ONLY POLICY

may 15

sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeit. have interview with post office people tomorrow. they say bring the social security card. so weird to have interview tehnically after a drug test and ss card. i thought drug test and ss card means you got the job. also I thought all jobs do 14 interviews. but i guess that costs too much.

just know that everything is done to cut costs….but at the ground level, you will see how these top-down changes are incompetent, and will end up costing more money. so you will say i thought these k1kes wanted to SAVE money. they do. they are just incompetent at it. so when this plan backfires, as it is already doing, they will just have to lay people off to really save money. like you hahahaha.

makes you want to get an mba so you be one of those k1ke managers hahahaha.

and they dont even all have mba’s!!!!!!!!!!! the director of your department does not have an mba!!!!!!!

the only place for non top tier mba’s in your company, is at level 1, answering phones like you hahaha. thats what an mba at capella online u gets you. same job as 20 year old community college dropouts hahahahaha.

heh. i like when you see the same jobs posted again like 1 or 2 months later, and you applied the first time, and nothing happened. its maybe a shitty job with high turnover so that they are always hiring people, and will hire anyone with a pulse…..but they still didnt invite you to take a pre interview assessment test hahaha.

and women dont get the slightest bit nervous when new men stick their new dicks up their baby maker. with a big new strange sweaty man pressing his sweaty hairy stinky body against them, yet they dont know a damn thing about him. a week ago you had no idea who this guy is. now you’re willfully letting him do this….very willingly. you LOVE it! what can you say about someone who LOVES degeneracy?

i dont mind peopel touching me……..if i know them! if I dont know them, then yes I do mind!

i just want to find a woman who feels the same way. and doesnt let everybody Touch her in this very Special Way.

i mean, two naked bodies pressed against each other, genitals inside of genitals, it boggles my mind how ANYONE could NOT think this is inherently intimate!!!!!!! yes so many people just dont care! its as intimate as a handshake!

how fooked up are YOU to think that the life creation process with naked bodies pressed together and genitals inside of genitals is no more intimate than a mere handshake?

how can ANYONE think that way?

why are most women like this?

well, j00s of course hahahaha. creating a mainstream culture where sex is nothign but sexy fun. but more importantly, how can I find a woman who isnt like this?

i think i might be exagerating again. a classic cognitive distortion used by despairers, which convinces themselves that things are worse than they actually are.  you convince yourself that things are abjectly horrible. absolutely disgusting. absolutely degenerate. when theyre just a LITTLE degenerate. you see that and run with it. take the ball and rush for 99 yards, to use a football metaphor hahaha.

so in other words, all women arent really THAT bad.

heck even SHE is not that bad.

i am just very emotional because of the grief and the way she dumped me. and then i get very emotional. but even she isnt that bad, treating sex as casually as a handshake.

my distorted mind has a tendency to exagerate, especially on horrible things.

so….i had terrible judgment then. how am i supposed to make good decisions? when good decisions are the foundation of a good life. you need to make good decisions all day long at your grueling job. jobs are 10 hours a day of making tough decisions. correctly.

i think the technical name for that distorion is overgeneralizing, mixed with Magnifying. that is my thing. taking the worst element, and saying that represents the whole category. so, think of the top 1% worst sluttiness women are capable of, and then say 100% of women are like that.

say 100% of women are as bad as the worst 1% of women.

or blacks, or j00s, or muslims hahahahahaha.

anyway. if your thought processes are so screwed up that you have made yourself an emotional basket case….how are you supposed to make the good decisions you need to make to be able to Hold Down A Job?

well when it comes to doing problems and such, i can get a high gpa in skool, get a’s in classes, and actually get good quality marks on muh job scorecard. I just do horribly with women. and to be fair, that’s at least halfway on them and not just me.

i was willing to handle things well, but they werent hahaha.

well that being said, i was not perfect either.

ok the other day while at fatclub i listened to the first 2 nile albums in a row basically. tried to visualize big fat jolly karl sanders. it helped but even back then the drums were too clicky and i just wanted to stop them and say AYO HOL UP guyz. you dont need to cram a new riff in here. its OK to have a NORMAL part in your songs. you should have MOAR NORMAL parts. i am SURE this stuff is fun as hell to PLAY, but it takes too much EFFORT to listen to.  your best songs are the ones that are actual songs instead of a dumptruck full of crazy riffs piled on top of each other. i appreciate that you are not sloppy at all…..but why should you be sloppy? its a conscious choice to make ridiculously technical, fast music. 300 bpm riffs in weird 5, 7, 9, 13 time. jagged changes everywhere. you just cant tell whats going on. need a more song-oriented approach like “festivals of atonement.” SONG ORIENTED not dumptrucks of crazy technical riff oriented. we arent talking catchy riffs here. well ok there are a few catchy riffs. there needs to be moar though. you can still have extreme parts. i appreciate extreme parts. no one luves fast blast beats moar than i.

like there is a big difference between dave brubeck doing things in weird times like 5 or 9 or whatever the fook. they are still catchy. the stuff is catchy and you dont realize the time signature is even “weird.”

is this why i “GAVE UP ON” nile? I let ol uncle karl down???????

well uncle karl is gonna continue having a great time playing incomprehensible riffs whether or not I am listening hahaha. I would like him to try to write like a straightforward metal album like iron maiden or something. write normal songs and normal riffs. you can still have an egyptian flavor and have some weird parts. just a better balance of extreme stuff to normal stuff.

but he is a very likable guy, I will never deny that.

also I would like their albums to be closer to 30 minutes than 60 minutes. short albums are best albums.

can we get a combination of nile with type o negative hahahaha.

once upon a time, I sought a combination of burzum and tom waits. oh how very ECLECTIC.  like a real portland hipster f4ggot.

oh sheeeeit managed to apply for 3 jobs on a sunday without even thinking about it. i have reached THAT level and I am very happy and grateful that I have. 2 for a large well known electronic company that has a division in the neighborhood, 1 for the county. the elctronics company is the one that reposted many positions and completely ignored me from about 6 weeks ago.

yeah i am convinced that, as degenerate as MJ is, it would help me get through this stage of PROLONGED GRIEF. I mean its not like I’ve AVOIDED it. its like chronic pain that serves no purpose any more but to cause me pain. i’ve learned all I could from it, and now I just want it to end, but its not ending.

always have some cash on you that you could use to buy MJ from somebody hahaha. be like hay heres $20, think you can get me something Indica like northern lights or afghan kush next time you go to the dispensary? its gotta be indica tho. I know it’s confusing but just trust me, I’m an expert. a Subject Matter Expert hahaha.

McGill University. “Cannabis: Potent Anti-depressant In Low Doses, Worsens Depression At High Doses.” ScienceDaily. ScienceDaily, 24 October 2007. <www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/10/071023183937.htm>.

that feel when you read breakup articles on psych today then find that you are the same age as the phd author, and you went to college with them, and they became a successful phd from stanford, and are now a postdoc researcher and writing Luv Advice PhD blogs on psych today dot com hahahahaha. am I allowed to say if this gurl was a huge slut or not? probably not allowed to say. I will say she was smokin hot in her undergrad days. i never really talked to her. maybe I felt she was out of my league. also she was a J. at that time I had a huge J fetish and wanted to bone her hard. I dont think I ever talked to her.

well nice to see she is very successful and now advising people on relationships with her phd hahaha. it would have been nice to bang her hot young body tho. in her small photo she just looks like an average attractive 30 year career professional woman. when she was 20 she was smokin hawt hahaha. well. as much as i hate saying that about a J. she didnt look super J’ish tho.

anyway its just funny now. 5 years ago I would have CARED more and gotten more BUTTHURT about it, like I COULDA BEEN A PHD TOO!!!!!!!! I COULDA BEEN A CONTENDER!!!!! i am just as smart as Jooish Wimmin but they are getting PHDs and outperforming the hell out of me because I am a lazy loser bla bla bla.

now Im just like I dont care. I dont want anything to do with marxist Jooz and middle class phds. she is probably very good at breaking her boifranz balls, emasculating them like a preying mantis. theres no bitch worse than a j00ish bitch hahahahahaha.

although if she came to me and bent over and begged PLEASE FOOK ME IN THE ASS I would gladly oblige her!

of course I would do the same with THAT WOMAN too.

i could bitch about her having grief for people that she has lost, and 8, 10 years later, she is still mourning them to I might say an unhealthy degree. but I would never judge someone for that. I would say, its ok to miss this person, but 10 years? really? how about you talk to me and i will be your shrink. death is just a part of life baby and they are in a better place, and they would want you to move on with your life, take the help I’m offerng you hahaha.

i wouldnt say, thats weird, youre weird for not getting over this, I’m dumping you.

because I totally understand how it can take Too Long to get over someone. how Grief can last Too Long.

thing is, she doesnt DESERVE this grief. its not like she died tragically, at a time when we both Luved each other.

anyway, she was very important to me, so she leaves a VOID, so I GRIEVE heavily. so I have to fill that void somehow until the pain fades away in a few years. I have been trying to fill it with Exercise and writing, and that helps, but I still need moar. its not enough. and I think MJ would be another helpful tool. thats all. MJ, exercise, and writing. And ideally Working.

so yeah. when grief is lasting too long, try to fill the void with: copious exercise, MJ, work, and hopefully you have some good friends that you can spend some real quality time with.

these stupid stoners. i mean they have 3 or more different groups with 3 different petitions. if they just had 1 petition, and 1 group behind it, then there would be no question of getting enough signatures. i think the biggest one will get enough signatures anyway, but the other groups should have backed out MONTHS ago and directed people to the one group. we can all agree that legal MJ is the goal. its not like who do you want for pres. its not like trump vs hillary.

but since im not an expert, i dont know the best practices. but these stupid stoners do. i fookin doubt it.

your shot in the dark is better than the expert’s best practices hahahaha.

fook experts. they were just in the right time at the right place. they played politics well enough to survive longer than a year.

but i guess you could learn great life skills like bullshitting and passing the buck from them.

well i am like the mechanic at the car shop i talked to recently:

HONESTY ISNT THE BEST POLICY, ITS THE ONLY POLICY.

i mean on the job, when you have to make serious decisions. little white lies are ok for the sake of kindness and politeness. but on the job, just tell people, i dont know, nobody knows, yeah that sucks, it is what it is. i dont know what to tell ya, and no you cant talk to my manager. i wish he WOULD talk to you, but he’s a dishonest coward hahahaha. you’re working with a company full of dishonest cowards who want to screw you. except me. I’m on your side. but I can’t help you. and my company sure as hell doesnt want to. my advice? find a better company. and if you do, call me and tell me about them so I can try to get a job there. this company SUCKS. they dont give a shit about you. they just want to take your money and run. they will not back it up with reliable, good service. they will leave you in the lurch just like a damn woman.

maybe my phd college classmate can write an article for psych today abotu why women are so unreliable and leave people in the LURCH so much. she’s a PHD in leaving people in the lurch im sure. well not her Faculty Advisers but the men in her life. OK now I am bordering on slander hahaha. I deleted the link to her article. do not want to DOX muh self! oy vey!!

but yeah its not unheard of that I will read a damn news article and run across the names of people I went to high achiever college with. some of which are now Senior Editors at stupid magazines that then might get quoted in larger magazines; or Senior Organizers with bla bla nonprofit; or blabla postdoc researcher phd at harvard authoring blabla study. i mean these people are ridiculously successful. I had no idea people could even BE this successful. i had to go to middle class j00niversity just to learn these levels of success even existed. phd at harvard basically.

no i did not go to harvard but the better performers from my school did phds at harvard or other ridic schools like stanford, yale, MIT. top skools. top kek hahahaha. kekekekekekek.

it took me a long time to get over all that status anxiety hahahaha. (de botton). you might think I still have it because I make butthurt jokes about it. but Im really not butthurt any more. about THAT. hahaha. I am plenty butthurt about other, more recent things.  i couldnt give a shit if some J00ish cvnt I vaguely knew over 10 years ago is a successful phd. who the fook reads psychology today anyway.  get in the NY Slimes bitch hahahaha otherwise no one cares. not only was all that obvious and unsurprisingly, it honestly just doesnt matter.

i’ll tell ya what does matter, is this huge void of grief in my life hahahaha. so its not FAIR that I fell in luv with her and ruined the friendship. FINE. its not FAIR she left me in such a mean way.

honestly there was very little she COULD do. i mean its not her responsibility to emotionally support me after dumping me. the dumper HELPING the dumpee through the dumping. nope. well i think they SHOULD, because they are the one causing you this pain, but we all know its just not POSSIBLE for them to support you, cuz you would just want to have them back. so the best they can do is say SORRY, and show some remorse for the pain they are causing you. it doesnt sound like a lot, but when you don’t get it, you see how much it matters.

ok have to do 1000 calkories at fatclub.

DO YOU REALLY WANT A WH0RE FOR THE MOTHER OF YOUR CHILDREN

may 14

was at fatclub yesterday and say beautiful 20 year old max white gurl wth nice long blond hair, not dyed or anything, and she was so cute, but she was wearing these pants that were so ridiculous tight, it was like she was wearing nothing at all. of course i was staring and gawking and ogling and thinking of her sitting on muh face. even though she was only 20 years old. maybe 19. i wouldnt just bang her, i would try to date her long term. hopefully she was nice rather than a huge bitch. but i was sad that her father hadnt instilled better values in her, to go out in public wearing clothes like that. she was wearing a big large t shirt….why cant they do they same with the pants???????

why am I complaining? I reap the benefits of being able to stare at her 20 year old ass! sure, most pornified degenerate men wont complain, but as a 1488 14 words man, I view women for what they really are: not porny sex objects, but as the mothers of our children.

do you really want a WHORE for the mother of your children?

just as women dont ask themselves obvious questions like, should I be wearing these tight pants, men don’t ask themselves obvious questions like this.

was watching ken burns jazz last night and it was pretty good. very watchable. dont know how accurate it was but I was glued to the tv. i bet the whole series is worth watching. i saw episode 8 or 9 which introduced monk, had the death of charlie parker.

parkers death was super pathetic and sad. he was in terrible health at 34 years of age. the doctor said he had the body of a 50-60 year old. so he used to do drugs, I think heroin, but then got off that, but then he was drinking heavily at the end of his life. he just keeled over and died one day at age 34, they said it was pneumonia and also some cirrhosis of the liver. he would wander around all night and appear disheveled and mad and crazy. i suspect he was bipolar and tried to “control” it with alcohol, which didnt help. and rather than go to a doctor, he just died in front of the tv. not sure how much he was drinking that night. heavy drinkers will over drink so much they start puking blood and will go to the hospital, where the dr says, you better stop drinking NOW, you have no liver left, you have the liver of a 90 year old man, if you keep drinking, you will die.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charlie_Parker

yeah it was sad an pathetic. but i dont like that he was having children with a white woman, well really thats more her fault. an early mudshark.

i dunno. this could be a problem for me. i genuinely enjoy jazz and have for many years, but its almost inherently black and j00ish and degenerate. its not super popular wiht the 1488 crowd hahahahahaha.  yeah well i dont care, I will be the 1488 guy who likes jazz. it doesnt mean I support the degeneracy of many major jazz musicians. modern jazz quartet made a point of not being degenerate.  also, how degenerate was MONK. I agree with everyone, monk was amazing and I dont think he did mad drugs like parker, davis, coltrane.

jazz was sponsored by a rothschild hahahaha the baroness pannonice whatever. oy vey. not good. bad 1488er hahaha.

anyway i dont think monk was heavy into drugs, though he prob sm0ked some MJ. he was just crazy which was either autism or schizophrenia.

to all the jazz guys who had problems with heroin and alcohol, i wonder, why didnt they just sm0ke tons of MJ instead?????

dave brubeck was NOT J00ish. wow. this is the first time I have gotten a false positive on my Jdar. many J’s can pass as huhwhyte, but I’ve seen very few huhwhytes who I thought were J’ish. I fully assumed brubeck was a J but even J’ish News is saying that he was not one of them. but he was a philosemitic Mensch who was mentored by J’ish composers hahaha.

but brubeck did not seem like a hueg degenerate. and he was technically huhwhyte. might be the perfect jazz person for me as a 1488er hahaha.

hmm i did not realize miles davis died in 1991 at age 65 or so. I thought he died younger of drugs. well good for him for getting off drugs.

also brubeck became a CATHOLIC later in life after being an atheist. that is pretty good.

yeah really im more interested in musicians personal lives than the music they made. if i like their personal lives, then I might try listening to their music.

i mean i am interested in peoples personal lives in general: their relationships, their failures, their struggles, their insecurities, their doubts, their worries. them falling in luv, them getting heartbroken, how they get along with people, etc. who they really are. their  morals, how they treat people, if they are cowards or deadbeats, or if they are decent people. the drugs they take. are they a degenerate. this is the stuff that really matters to me. about anyone.

there is “cool jazz” which may have been started by miles davis on “birth of the cool” and became associated with the west coast. brubeck may have also been associated with this. it was much more laid back and chill than the bebop stuff. which I like, but I also like the laid back stuff. not to be confused with “smooth jazz” which sounds too overproduced and sterile and corny to me.

how does valentina hot sauce compare to the more popular cholula hot sauce….dont know. i cant remember what cholula tastes like. if its anything like franks red hot, no thank you. its not that its bad, its just overplayed.

coltrane also got off of heroin long before he died of cancer at age 50 or 60 something.

yes i know ken burns is a neocon “classicist” who is patronizing and hates blacks hahahahahahahaha so only naive rich white benevolent racists watch his documentaries of white privilege hahaha and nod their heads and say this is great, while true marxist revolutionary sjw’s curl their lip and say this is insulting and offensive and such a whitewashed history. he’s so tone deaf and inplicitly, systematically racist. he is on the wrong side of history. only uneducated white racists watch ken burns documentaries. dont even get me started on “the civil war” hahahaha.

i dont like ken burns either but daaaaamn he;s just not antiwhite enough for the 2010s.  peak shitlib.

waaaaah SHE wasnt a huge shitlib and was probably open to being redpilled by me waaaaaah

now she can get redpilled and Fooked Hard and Deep by a more manly red pill man.

was I UNFAIR to HER by falling in love with her? YES, OF COURSE. YES, OF COURSE I PUT HER in a hard spot. yes of course it was technically UNFAIR. it was UNFAIR but not necessarily Wrong or Bad. It was a good thing that happened at a bad time.

cannot seem to get below 148 pounds. keep jumping between 148 and 150 pounds. kind of frustating, especially since I have been technically ok with muh calories.

i just wish women were more nervous about secs. I mean, you CAN get pregnant from this. this IS how life is created. be a little more discerning and CAREFUL about when, how often, and to whom you Open Your Legs and Life Creator. RESPECT THE PROCESS hahahahahahahahahaha.

but seriously. RESPECT THE PROCESS.

you should be MORE nervous than the man.

and women think its WEIRD that I get nervous about secs. and they just say, its ONLY SECS, dont you have a lot of experience in casual secs like everyone else including me does?

I would like to be with someone long term enough where I can start to not be so nervous about the secs. but I am also nervous about them dumping me hhahahaha. cuz normally its shortly after we start getting “intimate” that they dump me. they being the two women I have ever gotten intimate with, over 10 years ago hahahaha. but believe me the normie women I see regularly seem even MOAR slutty than these women. you can just tell theyve been with too many guys hahaha. but not THAT woman. well, now she may be starting to become a slut. why would she go down that path? just choose me! dont choose a life of degeneracy! choose someone who cares about you, has your best interests in mind, is thinking about the long term, and who will support you….morally/ emotionally if not financially. because all women make more than i do hahahahaha. including her.

shit. i hate how i was so wrong, and i cant even trust my own mind or judgment anymore.

like Thirsty Lonely Omega Virgins like me tend to mistake friendliness from a woman, for Secsy Interest.

And Thirsty Lonely Virgins probably also mistake Normal Average Friendship for “close, intimate friendship”, because they are that lonely and desperate.

so she saw me as just an average friend, but I was so lonely and desperate I saw her as a GOOD friend.

well…. i didnt really mistake her friendliness as interest in me…..except when i was first becoming friends with her. I thought it was WEIRD she was being so friendly to me when she had a BF, so…..i tried not to get too close to her, and encouraged her to work things out with her BF.

see, thats where a Respectful Ending would come in handy. it would answer some important questions, like, how important of a friend was I to HER? higher importance or lower importance? was I WRONG in thinking she thought of me as a good/important/strong friend? or did she think of me as just a casual acquaintance the whole time? and I hate doubting my judgment on that.  was I just THAT lonely and desperate for any female attention? or did we actually have a mutually-recognized important friendship? From the way it ended, it’s impossible for me to know. but that COULD have been cleared up. Indeed I asked for clarification on that issue. didnt get it.

well, i think it WAS more than a casual acquaintance, and it WAS a serious deep important friendship to her, because she told me things she said she had never told anyone else. So I took that pretty seriously. As I should, I think. I appreciated being held in high trust like that. indeed I never betrayed it! but I worried she thought I betrayed it.

but yeah the point for today, 9 months after writing her the last email, is….how right or wrong was I about saying yeah she WAS a good friend and yeah we DID have an important, valuable friendship? OR WAS IT ALL IN MY HEAD??? I dont WANT it to be all in my head, because what ELSE am I wrong about?

so yeah, I think the rational conclusion is, dont get it twisted, it WAS an important friendship, and I was NOT wrong about that.

what are some things that look wrong to the untrained layman, but to the expert, everything is ok, and you have to convince the layman why thats not a bug, thats a feature, this thing is working as intended, you think its wrong because you have no sense of judgment and here’s why.

so we had to do that regularly in muh job and I hated doing it. because I was essentially a layman myself, and I didn’t understand why it was a feature and not a bug.

Wish I wrote down more examples, cuz then I could have more specific stories to tell in interviews.

but today I was in church and the choir/musicians, well there were it sounded like 2 guitar players and at least one of them was out of tune, and was also a really shitty player. sounded like they had been playing guitar less than 3 months. at best, it sounded like they had not practiced these songs at ALL.

and then I doubted my judgment. Maybe I’M WRONG, and this shit is actually GOOD. who am I to say he’s out of tune and out of rhythm? Am I an expert musician? how can I tell?

but then I thought, even the average layman nonmusician can tell when music is out of tune, or out of time, or sounds shitty and unrehearsed. it just sounds bad because it IS bad.

also I have “played” some sort of guitar for like 17 years so yes I AM kinda an expert.

and I used to get frustrated at how many people could not tell when they were BLATANTLY out of tune. like this guy. Guitars go out of tune easily, but it just takes 1 minute to put them back in tune.

A Best Practice before any musical performance is to make sure all the instruments are in tune, or at least in tune with each other. right? right? i’m no musical director tho……

so it depends on the thing I guess. music is much more obvious and straightforward than stupid software and systems. a layman can tell when a performer is out of tune. however a layman can’t tell when the program is or isn’t having a bug.

sure a layman can have an intuition that something sucks…….but his intuition is wrong.

i guess music is much more intuitive than Software User Experience hahahahaha.

but you are entitled to your opinion to say that Your User Experience sucks. doesnt mean the Developers need to listen to your Cost-Prohibitive Suggestions.

how does SHE deal with these situations? because these are the type of situations both me and her had to deal with. I have no idea. She wouldnt let me into that world. she wouldn’t let me into any of her worlds hahahaha. and even though we were now Just Work Friends, she wouldnt even talk to me about Work, and when I would ask her specific work questions she would just say idk lol. idk lol was her response to everything lol.

that was/is really fookin annoying. I’m trying to talk to you about serious shit and all you can say is idk lol ikr lol.

Is this just how 25 year old women are? it sounds more like a 16 year old gurl.

but I luved her because she hadnt taken as many cox as the average american 16 year old gurl who by age 16, has taken 16 cox or moar hahahaha.

took a half dose of nyquil. did not wait 3 days this time. only 2. oh well. still a lot better than 1 day.

ok. so MJ dispensaries are all cash only businesses because MJ is still federally illegal. but what stops dispensary owners from depositing that cash into regular banks. i mean does the bank demand proof of where that money came from?

does the revenue a business makes technically “flow through” the business owner and essentially become his personal income?

so there is this interesting side industry of i dunno private banks, where heavily armed security guards guard piles of cash made by dispensaries. ex military men with big guns. so what keeps them from stealing some of the money? how can the cash owner get ez access to his funds? what if the pseudobankers get robbed?

dunno. if a dispensary owner were contacting me for expert advice, i would say they are screwed. you want better explanation, pay 400 bucks an hour for an attorney. not 15 bucks an hour for me.

being a 21 year old virgin really is not all that weird.

but being a 25 year old virgin IS.

and being a 30 year old virgin is just incomprehensibly weird that you can’t even admit to it without getting extremely shamed as a monster and huge weirdo.

well what about a 23 year old virgin then?

27 year old virgin?

but yeah i want to just be somewhat comfortable with a woman: comfortable that they won’t leave me very soon, that I can have secs with them like 10 times at least and become comfortable with secs with them. all young women have experienced a rel like this, including my nonslutty female friend, but many men have never been omfortable with secs with anyone ever.

i am jelly of anyone who has ever been comfortable with secs. i am always so nervous about getting the gurl preggers…..but i dont like most forms of birth control, like the Oral Pill, or stuff that affects wimminz already crazy hormones. its so much easier to wear a rubber. i dont have a problem with that whatsoever! the 2 times i had secs i used a rubber hahaha. well the gurl kinda insisted on it. i dont know if she was using a Pill. we didnt know each other that well to discuss such an intimate thing, hahaha. but she knew me well enough to fook me, becuase its just secs! its not a big deal! i dont owe this guy an explanation of if im on the pill or not. just have him use a rubber.

shit many gurls will just get drunk and not care about you wearing a rubber. i could see That Woman doing such a thing, and idiotically getting Hepatitis from some sleazebag that way. cuz she was too dumb to insist on a rubber.

fookin nyquil. kinda using that as muh MJ hahaha.  i shoulda used more nyquil while doing my job. that is, come home and IMMEDIATELY take a half dose, and then I should be good for working the next day. calm muh t1ts and get 10 hours of sleep.

the prob is when you crash madly to sleep, but then you wake up like 5 hours later and stay awake for 1 to 2 hours before finally managing to get to sleep. also you get very thirsty. you need to drink a lot of water, which in turn makes you peepee a lot, which in turn will wake you up.

anyway i would much rather be smokin MJ.