NO CONCEPT OF SPACE

for weds the 12th of april

sept 6 2016

At Taco Bell, we’re hungry for Mas. Mas Heart, Mas Flavor and Mas Value. If you want Mas in your life read on!
Think About it…

Do you know how to inspire and engage? Do you make others smile easily?

When you say thank you do you mean it?

Are you a foodie? Do you know what it takes to make awesome food?

Do you love your team like you love your family?

Do you know what it means to create a 5 star customer experience?

Do you take your work seriously but not yourself?

Are you a proud mama or papa when your team achieves success?
If no, your career aspiration with Taco Bell has died here.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

ultimately this is actually sad and horrifying but my initial reaction is indignant, contemptuous laugter. but THERE FOR THE GOD GO I. and I must pray that I never reach the point where I would write a job desc like that and wholeheartedly believe it.

got back from big 2-3 day social event, most social i have been in a very long time. still trying to process. kinda overwhelming really, but ultimately very good and glad i did it. good thing for me to do, glad to be invited. was just faced with my own insecurities and issues: somewhat with my own personal failures but what i wanted to explore was my complete failure to communicate and connect with people while I was under the influence of MJ.

yes there were a lot of MJ partakers up there, i kinda expected that, and i said i would partake a LITTLE bit, and indeed i did, for the first time after like a year of abstinence. got an interesting reaction there that pretty much confirmed that i should not do that in a social situation ever. because yeah it makes it absolutely impossible for me to follow or understand or contribute to any conversation, which is very frustrating and also bad for the confidence. other people do not seem to have this problem, but i sure do. so i was careful to just have one puff at a time with large space in between, often PASSING on the MJ as it went around!

and STILL a couple time i went a bit over the line where my mind was completely blown and blazed, and really all it takes is just ONE extra puff which will then totally overwhelm you 20 minutes later and you will feel like a retarded idiot child hhahahahahaha. not fun when trying to communicate with successful adults with good careers, wives, children, etc.

of course there was no judgement happening whatsoever, except by me!

oh man. LOT of stuff to cover. i mean the thoughts that were going on in muh head at the time.

like i want to examine the idea of SPACE and, well when I was blazed a few days ago, I thought DAMN I really didnt understand the concept of SPACE at all, I totally invaded her SPACE like a WEIRDO badman, god damn I was such an idiot who has no idea how to deal with women and rels, i have no concept of this stuff, its SOO BADDDDD, I am hopeless, I can’t believe I fooked it up SO BAD without even intending, to be SO incompetent and wrong, so yeah so STRONG self blaming there, she was RIGHT to react the way she did, she was RIGHT to throw me away, she was RIGHT to never respond to me.

or thoughts of ulterior motives, like yeah, this is just what happens. you might not HAVE ulterior motives but theres NO WAY you are gonna convince the woman of that! It’s simply impossible in that situation! so i need to get over my desire to want to have her understand I did not have ulterior motives. because she never will understand that. never ever. but yeah i dont like being remembered that way.

and when i was blazed, yeah the self blame and self recrimination was just horrible. stream of constant negative thoughts in a multitude of ways. many diff kinds of negativity hahahaha.  in other words I should never do MJ EVER!!!!!

thankfully i did not flip out and have a panic attack or anything, but im sure a few more puffs and i would have been much closer to that! I already felt like a total WEIRDO and outsider and just inferior in every way!

so why do I like this junk again??!!?!?!!!??!!?!??

because it makes MUSIC better and because its ok in “groups” of TWO or smaller hahahahaha.

ITS NOT WORF IT M8!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

cuz I GUARANTEE there would still be SOME kind of stream of negative thoughts. doubts and fears and blame and recriminations. even if I were alone or with 1 other person. I know from experience, its more than a guarantee, it has happened!

so, if i get more terrible neg thoughts in general when partaking, even in the best of “set and setting”….then why even do it at all?

I could literally, measurably, noticeably communicate and talk to other people better socially when not under the influence. i just had a damn controlled trial 2 days ago. i noticed a definite difference!

yeah it was overwhelming, but in no way did the anxiety when partaking the MJ ruin the overall event. overall, it was mind blowingly fantastic and positive, the most positive social event for a long time.

but when i got done i was more exhausted than I have been in a long time, even more my usual low energy self, but this time was even more extreme, and i slept for 16 straight hours. unbelievable. could not even be awake. and the sleep was pretty solid too. i really needed it hahahahaha.

so now I am trying to wake up from that, drinking some coffee, still feel a little bit “post MJ” and not sure if that is the MJ or just that my body and mind were exhausted and id been asleep for 16 hours hahaha. prob the latter.

so now i can start really processing everything and that of course is a big mission of this blog hahaha. me processing shit. with 10% of that maybe helping the reader hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

anyway. yeah at some points i felt ASHAMED of my total failure to comprehend to her idea of SPACE, and just invading her space over and over and over and over again! no WONDER she reacted so intensely!

and while blazed, i couldnt think of the positive, rational response: yeah I did not have a great idea of space, BUT (AND) she could have REALLY just written me one email. or one text. given me ONE LITTLE THING.

One of the old friends I met who actually lives sort of near me now is a social worker woman who mentioned this great idea of replacing “BUTS” with “ANDS” because AND I guess gives more validation and acceptance and understanding to what your initial complaint is. does not disqualify any part of anything. and then the AND qualifies the good shit as well. I said to her, yes I have read a LITTLE bit about that, and I agree it is totally awesome and I agree completely. she also mentioned the idea of “dialectical behavior therapy” as kind of a counterpart to cognitive behavioral therapy, and I said I knew all about CBT but had never heard of DBT, and I am leary of the word “dialetic” hahaha but whatever you are describing sounds really interesting.

i guess it is a lot CBT but with more of a focus on talking and the dialectic you establish with yourself?? i said I would look it up and i intend to. maybe engages to cognitive component even more, for introverted weirdos like me who need to write 6,000,000 page blogs to constantly PROCESS everything. this might give you a more positive way to process everything.

so, in short, whenever you say BUT, replace it with AND instead. in 99% of cases it will still work AND it will be the healthier thing for you to tell yourself. as far as reaching your goals and shit.

she also mentioned some kind of best practices for goal setting. specific, measurable, realistic, that kind of stuff. i mean i already know all that but its nice to hear other people who are professionals in the area speak about it hahahahaha.

unfort most of the people were anti trump leftists and i was in no position to argue with anyone. i didn’t WANT to argue with them. they are all nice good people who I should look up to as role models 4 a good lyfe……but i just dont care for the leftism. but its not like these people are living their lives being total degenerates! hurting people and lying and cheating! they all want to do the right thing too!

but yeah there was definite examples of antiwhite cucking by white leftists. and not even in a im sorry to be white sort of way. but just enthusiastic, true believer, whites are the cancer of the human race sort of shit, totally shamelessly. but, interestingly, no real guilt about being white, but im sure if i pressed them, they might say something like yeah it sucks to be white and thats why I do everything I can to support the oppressed and be an ally etc. i cant help being white but i have lived my life fighting the man, so i am secure in myself.

i would almost prefer if they WERE ashamed about being white, because that might show me a chink in their armor hahahaha.

someone blatantly said “your mother is a communist” and i was like WOW that is pretty rude, but i didnt doubt the veracity, because I know the guys mother is a lifelong leftist activist type, father as well, and this is where he get it from. which makes sense. if my family were huge leftist activists, i would probably be too. like old school summer of 68 types that became fairly professional, rather than burned-out hippies.  but they are good people and raised good children. also there wasnt any race mixing hahaha. not that they wouldn’t blatantly approve of race mixing! they just never actually had mixed children, and I am secretly happy about that. nor did their kids, one of whom was/is one of my old friends i was looking forward to seeing. he will never change being a huge leftist, but he is still a very good admirable person. but he married a white wife and had a white child too………

its just WEIRD that such decent, good people could also be such damn leftists. so you CAN still be a good person and live a moral life if you are a leftist. its just weird to see though. what would be too far? maybe if any of them had had mixed race children. or were in positions of political power and doing blatantly antiwhite policies. but, somewhat surprisingly, no one is in political power. they have great careers and probably Manage Teams and have masters degrees from top skools and make 80 k a year. but i guess as long as a person is not a lying cheating scumbag, i am ok with them.

but this guys white communist mom has been married to his white communist dad for like 40 years, with no weird open marriage bullshit, and they have white children who married white women and had white children, with no weird open marriage bullshit as far as I can tell.

so yeah i pretty much hid my alt right and pro trump views because a. i wouldnt be able to convince anyone b. people might be like poor him, he’s confused because he’s having a rough spot in life, so he is clinging to this racist xenophobic sexist stuff out of fear and frustration. so i just avoided talking about it and made jokes about guns and even probably one genuinely nonjoking statement about how i would have no problem with owning a gun, which is actually a big deal for these people, most of whom come a town where everyone is a leftist who hates guns and whites and the only people who even Go Hunting are Racist Redneck Angry Uneducated Whites who are angry and afraid and republican and trump voting, fox news, etc. too hateful and ignorant to get their phds and get a professional career and get the political views to accompany those professional careers.

its like these people have NEVER MET A RIGHTIST!!!!!!!!! They literally think they are the worst people in the world! rightophobia!!!!!!!

well, i talk shit about the left all the time, i despise the left and 99% of leftists. these people are essentially GRANDFATHERED IN. but doesn’t it mean there are a lot more leftists who are decent people? yeah probably. lets say 50 50.

but yeah i dont really hate individual people, especially when i get to know them, even hardcore leftists. but i hate the left as a set of ideas that is really destroying the country hahahaha and the west. and the white race.

interesting enough, they can rant about trump and trump is like hitler, its so scary, and be like yeah of course i will always vote democrat, thats what smart people do, who are not evil white capitalist greedy stupid redneck religious gun toting haters! BUT no one had anything positive to say about hillary, and probably were not volunteering their time to campaign for hillary. well hillary is too establishment and not leftist ENOUGH they’d probably say.

but they dont volunteer for even worse leftist shit either.

so yeah these people will always remain grandfathered in for me i guess. and i guess i could probably “keep an open mind” if i were meeting new people. but i dont meet many new people.

but yeah i puffed the MJ and was like DAMNNNNN I REALLY REALLLLLLY was an idiot regarding the concept of space. She told me she wanted space and I couldnt RESPECT that!

well, she could have TOLD me a little better and clearer, and continued to communicate with me regarding it! like, oh by the way, this IS an ultimatum, and this is because i’ve been getting weird vibes from you that you like me, and also we shouldnt talk or text at all, but i’ll continue to talk and text you.

plus, what about: SPACE does not give you license to avoid the issue altogether. avoid and ignore. SPACE means we are gonna stop hanging out, and stop talking every day. but it doesn’t mean you continue to do that FOREVER unless you have a decent TALK about it.  if you want to parlay the SPACE into a Permanent End Of Rel, you have to TELL the person, especially when they make their interest clear to stay in the rel, by asking you every 2 weeks, when are we gonna hang out again, its been many months since we hung out, can we hang out this weekend finally?

heh. we also did a ritual which was partially intended to help me get over That Woman. This is me and this other guy I saw there who is one of my favorite people and who I was really looking forward to seeing, and if i lived in the same town as him, i would Want to hang out with him regularly, because he is a great, classic guy. he is also not as blatantly leftist as a lot of the people. and we are both hopeless romantics who have gotten heartbroken by women many times. but he has improved because of it and become a confident, charismatic, outgoing, charming man, and has Slayed plenty of Pvssy in the time since we were young.

he is very very good at organizing social events and being a Host type of guy, make you feel good about yourself, kind of guy. pull out all the stops and do special things for special occasions, just raise the bar and do awesome things. shower people with unexpected gifts, organizing fun party buses, putting on one man fireworks shows, just amazing the things he does, very glad to know him.

anyway everyone was going to bed early like responsible adults and i was kinda looking forward to staying up late the last night (2 nights) and watching some people get Annihilated (of course I did not drink, i have not had anything to drink since 2009). i thought he was gonna go to bed, but he surprised me by totally playing to my sensibilities. he bullshitted me that we were gonna do some seance type black magic ceremony that he knew, and i played along and honestly was not sure how much he was bullshitting, but he put together this plan to essentially burn a log in half on the fire. put a long log across the top of the fire pit, build fire underneath it, and then the goal is to keep that fire going long and strong enough to cause the top log to break and or crumble.

and then that was supposed to symbolise you getting over something, something you want to be over and done with, something holding you back. I said yeah I can make it about this woman if that’s what you’re getting at, hahahaha.

so i dont know if this is an actual thing or he just bullshitted the whole thing, but it made sense and seemed a very nice way to symbolically “break” someone or somethings hold on you. a symbolic ceremony to turn the page, move on. i said well you can use this too because you have a big move coming up and I want that to go well for you.

initially I thought the goal was to weaken the log and then one of us would break the log by stomping on it or something.

ultimately our goal became to just burn all the way through the log until it broke because of the fire.

so we had to add a RIDICULOUS amount of wood to the fire to accomplish this. and it took at LEAST  6 hours. essentially we ended up staying up ALL NIGHT till the SUN CAME UP and then finally the log split. there was no crumbling really, it was more like two little hands reaching out to each other.

but yeah the log just sits there taking all that heat, not showing any signs of anything, or it seems like it should have broken long ago but it doesnt. pretty much everything about this was symbolic as fook, he knew it, I knew it, he knew I knew it, I knew he knew it. So yeah it was a beautiful thing.

not sure if it actually worked regarding That Woman, I mean I have been slowly getting over her anyway so I dont feel I needed a CEREMONY, plus I said yeah she is technically a good person so lemme just say I am not trying to put any curses or hexes or Black Magic on her, so I covered my ass there hahahahaha. well, I kinda want her to have a bastard baby soon with some deadbeat black, but I guess I forgot about that.

but yeah it was nice that he was thinking of me and did this nice thing for me hhahahaha. very touching. great guy. great to see him after over 2 years. last time i saw him i was just a few months from falling in luv with the woman. i told him, yeah i have this female friend but i dont feel that way about her, it would be weird, i dunno.

i would ideally have some GOOD headphones then get very blazed and listen to this album hahahaha.

I am not as well versed in this album as I am with “transilvanian hunger”, an uncriticizable classic. UaFM I have some actual complaints about, like i skip some songs, guitar sound is too thin. but yeah this probably is culto’s best vocals. totally sick the whole album.

now darkthrone is about as consistent as neil young…..but everyone agrees this is one of the good albums. the classic albums. i would much rather listen to this album than the more derivative albums it inspired. basically just freezing cold, hateful, nihilistic, raw, pure, trve, kvlt black metal. no poseur or hipster or modern bullshit. not overly long. great year, 1993.

none of the women at this thing were really bad. even the worst one is not a bad person. i just wouldnt want to date her. but she is still very nice to me. and she is super duper successful and makes like 150k a year and gives Expert Opinions in Congressional Hearings. yes the big Federal US Congress in DC.

how many men had each of the women been with? how many abortions had each of the women had? how many nonwhites had each of the women been with? how many hearts had they each broken?

none of that really crossed my mind at the time, hahahaha. prob cuz i had NO interest in dating any of the women.

however, the married women, i was kinda judging their mate value. but they were wonderful people too. ideally the one woman would have been a little younger when her and my old friend got married, but they are still a good Pair and they have had a child. but im not sure another child will be coming quickly, and of course that was my ideal, that they have at least 3 children hahahahaha.

basically i care about the mudsharking and slutting and abortions etc a HELL of a lot more when i am considering Dating the woman. if I am just being friends or friendly, I dont really care. also if my freinds are MARRYING the women, i would HOPE they choose at least SOMEWHAT wisely and not pick a TOTAL piece of trash. And i don’t think they did. I just wouldnt want to marry these women myself hahahaha.

basically if i didnt know these people and the first and only thing i knew about them were their horrible political beliefs, i would say, these are probably terrible people. the worst kind of white antiwhite scum.

but in fact they are very very good decent people.

so what did i learn? that leftists can be good people? I already knew that, I mean nothing i’m saying here is NEW. I knew they were leftists when i first met them. and i thought i was a leftist. and i started moving right, righter, and far right hahaha. but they stayed leftist. but they also stayed decent people. i just think its interesting that they never woke up or got redpilled. even getting married and having kids did not redpill them. or working with obnoxious nonwhite customers. living in a multicultural diverse city. i can’t imagine anything that WOULD redpill them. they could get robbed by blacks and then say something like “we cant let this turn us racist. we cant forget that these blacks wouldn’t be put in such a desperate position without racist hateful greedy white men who created the systems of oppression that keeps blacks poor and desperate.” i really think they would say that. NOTHING is going to “redpill” them.

 

BE MORE EFFICIENT = CUT CORNERS; BE GENTLE WITH PEOPLES HEARTS AS A GENERAL RULE OF LIFE

april 26

had somewhat weird dream, did not include the woman, but included references to at least three other women. one was “woman4” aka “woman2005b”. the two other women in the dream were gurls that I was fond of in my middle school years. back in the 90s hahahaha. but i  never became friends with them or talked to them. one was a disgusting problem mudshark badboi luver even at age 14 hahahaha. mudshark slut at 14. not a good sign. turrible choice, total trash, but for some reason i was fixated on her. other one was a much better choice: a happy healthy nice sweet gurl also in my grade who I really should have made an effort with. kind sweet girl, nice, pretty, i dont know why i wasnt more obsessed with her at the time. would have been a good wife and mother of children. If i knew her just a years later, i prob would have fallen in totes luv with her.

this all might be my brains way of telling me SEE, you can get feelings for other women too, like you had for THAT woman, you also had feelings for at least 3 other women, so, you WILL get over this.

or maybe its suggesting that That Woman was a mix of many women, many traits: she was super nice and kind and friendly like that one nice gurl, AND she was a bit of “rebel” because of her MJ and rock and roll music, AND she was a Mudshark In Training, but not a huge mudshark or huge slut, and she was cold and uncaring too hahaha.

TLDR: I should have just got with the nice sweet brown haired girl in middle school and lived happily ever after. too bad i didnt know her in high school. you hear of high school sweethearts but never middle school sweethearts. i think you are just too young to make those decisions at that age. hahahha. kind of like how at age 18 you are too young to make long term decisions about college and career. you just want to fook and smook MJ and drink and fook like a degen1993r hahahaha. But its also a good time to be married to your high school luver and start having keeids. i mean you CAN work and support keeids. you just cant make great decisions about fookin grad skool and what your career will be in 10 years. you need a lot of firm guidance to keep you on the straight and narrow and not turn into a wayward degen1993r. a young wife and kids and steady job would probably do that for you.

well some industrious, initiative showing 18 year olds are able to get FT jobs, and by the time they are 21, they are management tier, and they never lose that. they go to another company and start as a manager.

poor me, i keep getting knocked down to level 1 and have never advanced beyond level 1! and i’m way older than 21!!!!!! and I might be old enough to be the father of an 18 year old hahahaha.

fook. she was always a poor me im a victim of circumstance, woe is me, i get shit on, im a victim, too. i dont know if she wanted pity and sympathy, maybe. I like getting pity and sympathy a LITTLE bit. also she had a legit tuff life and just a lot of bad stuff happened. just unfortunate.

but yeah i just get angery thinking about her moving up in her career, like a NORMIE, while i keep moving DOWN. who moves DOWN? LOSERS. who moves UP? NORMIES.

well i HAVE moved UP though. job2013 to job2015 was a big step up in terms of status and money. and also ungodly stress and being pushed to your LIMIT. theres a difference between getting out of your comfort zone, and being on the verge of a nervous breakdown all the time hahahaha.  the difference between Eustress and Distress. I cant believe some management asshole invented the word Eustress.  GET IN THE OVEN NOW.

i remember that slut mudshark white trash girl from middle school still looked bangable somewhat recently, I looked her up on facebook hahaha. maybe she would bang me if i contacted her because she thinks im successful and rich now because i was a huge smartie dork in middle school. hahahahaha jokes on her. whos the real asshole here hahahaha. i would just bang her in the ass 6000000 times before I revealed I was neither rich nor successful hahahaha. just blow her 30 year old ass OUT.  i dont recall seeing any babies or black boifrans in the pictures. i did see a Big Guy white trashy boifran in some pictures tho hahaha.  like a 36 year old guy who in 2016 his favorite band is pantera, who has to be bribed with tons of secs in order to dress up in a shirt and tie for a special occasion hahahaha because only faggots wear anything but pantera tshirts all the time hahahaha. and have tattoos of skulls and white zombie devil girls or some shit. and at age 36 thinks its awesome to be smooking tons of MJ and drinking tons of beer and whiskey. but he makes an ok living at his construction job and has moved up to foreman or supervisor or some shit. he will probably get hooked on Opioids for back pain. and become an even more surly and angry Opioid Addict hahahaha. and she is hopelessly in luv with that guy. will give 200% to him. give him all the chances in the work. make an effort to make it work with him.

i dont know why i liked her. because she was really hawt thats why. and I thought it was so sad that she was throwing herself away on such trashy guys. i wanted to totally be her white knight. why couldnt she be a NICE GURL. she must be breaking her fathers heart. did her father even CARE? she had a sister who wasnt such a bigass whore….or was she? anyway I kinda knew she was a Bad Choice, and I was vaguely aware of that Nice Gurl being a much better choice…..the timing was just bad. if i were to meet that nice girl just a few years later. maybe i should look HER up. i dont want to go on facebook though. i think i DID look her up but couldnt find her.

anyway who cares. i am going to this unpaid orientation meeting for the call center 17 dah job. why am i not even nervous about that? because its not the actual job. im going to the recruiters office. not the job site where the actual phones are answered and minds lost hahaha.

does andrew zimmern the joo still smook MJ or is he totally clean. i want him to do a show on his drug addict past.

once again went to fatclub yesterday and saw this woman who used to work with Me and That Woman. I never really talked to this other woman so now when I see her at the fatclub I ignore and avoid her hahahaha. I guess I could try to bang her but she seems kinda bitch and crazy. would be fun to bang but not fun to hang out with hahahaha.

so you dont hang out with them! just bang them and leave! the more you hang out with them not bnaging them, the less they want to bang you anyway.

but i dont like her slutty tattoos and I always make remarks about her getting fooked by n1993rs hahahaha. or just getting fooked by large numbers of random white guys too. the shadier the better. its not a great thing to get fooked by tons of white guys either. especially when you pick the most degenerate ones. why not pick a nice winner making 80k as an engineer? honestly LOTS of tall handsome white boys become engineers. make 80 grand a year and make the best husbands and fathers. yet you gotta pick the white deadbeat who drinks and drugs too much and cant hold down a job, but hes tall and sexy and mysterious badboi hahahahaha.

pick the badboi who has a chance of supporting you and your children! there are some good badboys out there who can be good providers! why cant women differentiate the good badboys from the bad badboys?  because the good badboys dont seem BAD enough? because its TRULY BAD to be a bad provider?

well I’m the worst provider there ever was! date me! let me fook you! please! hahahaha.

hopefully today I will learn more about the shitty call center job and have another chance to be like listen, recruiters, I had a really bad experience. can’t you PLEASE just find me a simpler data entry job? something with lots of excel, not a lot of customer contact, and not a god damn call center? i dont CARE that I have over a year of recent call center experience on my resume! i want to move AWAY from that!!!!!!!!

ok had the meeting. there were 2 higher up ish recruiters there, one Hawt Young entry level recruiter, and one….i dont know, advocate or liasion who was technically working or the agency, but worked right at the client site. turns out the client could not handle their own staffing needs to recruit a Sufficiently Professional Staff. everyone they hired, enticing them with an attractive wage, was not “professional” enough to satisfy the company or its callers, could not meet the service level agreements.  problems with attendance. problems with phones. problems with following the rules. one new employee smoking cig in the building, causing fire alarm for whole building and like 20 minute shutdown of the Call Center. He was Terminated.

uhhh 51 out of 60 of the people placed by the recruiter were still there.

the company merged with another company recently who began taking actions about quality.

this tells me that the company is not training the employees enough and holding them to unrealistic standards.

so fire the people who cant keep up, and hire an outside recruiter to try to find Better People….with even better pay. so we sign an NDA to not discuss our wage with anybody. because we will be making moar than some people there.

is this all code for blacks who talk really black on the phone?

or flustered people that sound like they dont know what theyre doing because how do you train people, and level 2 doesnt want to escalate cases?

but there would be some training in the huge expensive epic emr system. valuable training that normally costs thousands of dollars for this demonic, evil program hahahaha.

there was only one other candidate in there with me. a dorky young man but who seemed fairly normie and confident and not a fat autist neet. he had worked with pharmacies and emrs before.

well i do know if you miss a day in your first 90 days, you are terminated hahahaha.

the guy who got fired for smoking called the temp agency and said can you find me another job. they said nope sorry.

so i am worried that if i ragequit, then i am burning muh bridges with the temp agency to get me a nice data entry job with no phones.

holy shit, the glassdoor and indeed reviews are worse than i ever expected. it sounds even worse than my previous employer hahahah. terrible management, thrown to the wolves, a guy working 100 hour weeks and getting fired was the best day of his life, very cliquish, good performers never get promoted, impossible to become a good performer, give better service to “big dog” clients, lip service, warm bodies to answer the phone, impossible deadlines, death march, work through lunch, etc. no help, no one to back you up, just to tear you down, the talented lower level employees make this company run, but show them no thanks, and just work them to insanity, so many people are leaving, etc.

it sounds worse than i ever expected! and lots of it due to a takeover by another company in 2014. an indian company that seems to want to offshore everything and only pays lip service to providing good service to its customers. and if they treated their customers the way they treated their employees…..they wouldnt have a company any more. this is a sinking ship. walk dont run. this is what the reviews said from many disgruntled employees hahahah.

now i just heard that my former employer is shutting the department down completely. EVERYONE is out of a job forever there. holy SHIT. I figured this was gonna happen within 2 years, but now this soon!

meaning, That Woman is permanently out of a job.

heh. well she could probably get in at this other shitty place.

april 27

ok i already lost sleep worrying about this stupid call center job. i think i am gonna say NO and not go on monday. This would be better than walking off the training with no notice i think. it just sounds like the company has the worst management ever. cant they think about the long term? oh but you have to make it thorugh the short term to get to the long term. well they have been around for the long term already……and it seems like shit changed when this shekel clutching indian bought the company 2 years ago. there was a pronounced shift in culture and morale.

i am the best customer service person ever. I take the side of the customers and want to help them and make them a raving fan of me and how i am the best person in the company. however the company does not like this because I take too much time to help people. i take too much money to help people.

i mean in situations where people have valid questions, like my shit is broken and i need to fix it, not i be blakk gibs me dat. but i’m having a real problem, help me out please.

well i’d like to, but i have to get you off the phone in 7 minutes to reach the service level agreement your company has with my company.

well that sucks.

take it up with your manager…..not mine. because mine is not gonna talk to you. also he’s probably gonna throw me under the bus because he doesnt know the reality of taking calls and fixing problems.

the Target Metrics are Unreasonable. the Service Levels are Unreasonable. The Sales Department makes extravagant promises that THEY are never held accountable for because they dont provide the service.

so service hates sales because sales crushes them with unrealistic expectations. and sales hates service because they are lazy bums who can’t deliver on our promises hahahaha. when if sales walked for ONE DAY in the shoes of service, they’d SEE.

well we didnt have a sales dept at our old place. we were in house tech support. company. no contracts, no SLA’s. at this new place, its SLA’s, MSA’s, clients, being billed for service, billed by the minute maybe. billable billable billable. was emphasized in the shitty reviews.

I would almost rather work in a RESTAURANT. it seems more real and more human. real people doing things that you know can be done.  here, you dont even know what is possible or not.

work more efficiently. work faster.

how would you suggest I do that sir?

I don’t know. that’s your job. figure it out or youre fired.

do what youre doing now, just do it better and faster. streamline your processes.

this is always code for cut corners so you can be “more productive.”

your management WANTS you to cut corners when serving the customers.

this is fine when your customers are dumb sacks of shit, but I never view customers that way. I treat them the way I would want to be treated. In Good Faith.

this is why i hate managers. they really dont know shit. well, in that field they dont know shit. well, the higher level managers that have never answered a phone. fooking soft phaggots.

you need to be so exhausted at the end of the day you dont have time for health or family, but you are also so worried about the next horrible day, that you cant sleep.

trumpenfuhrer is giving a foreign policy speech and sounding more presidential. I have no doubt he is capable of sounding very “presidential” in tone. why do people even care about that. who cares about that other than anti trump people.

he will probably be a disappointment but so would anyone else. i am on the trump train all the way. no not all trump supporters are white nationalists hahaha. and not all white nationalists are trump supporters hahahaha. but i would say a Sizable Plurality of them are, hahahahahhahaha. yeah I mean you can vote for bob whitaker or whoever is doing american third position party. and whitaker has done some great work, and i think kmac is involved with that party, and kmac is top tier. but like only 100 people in the US even know who bob whitaker IS. trump is on tv 24 hours a day and literally even the dumbest normie women and blacks know who he is. he does well with some women and blacks! he loves the uneducated! he makes dogwhistle tweets mentioning white nationalists hahahaha.

i just dont want him to sell US out to chindia hahaha. but anyone else would have done that anyway, and with no strong talk about BUILD A WALL.

anyway I am a trump guy and I may come to not be so proud of that if he wins. but I want him to win! i dont want anyone else to win! im ashamed to say i dont have a trump hat yet!

but yeah I think more people who hated trump will come over to him as he becomes more and more the Strong Horse.

wow the temp agency gave me access to a Skillsoft Skillport Learning Management System (LMS) which has tons of videos and modules. This is actually very good. There is a lot of courses and modules on there that you can’t get for free on the internet. Plus I think Skillsoft has been developing content for years. probably not a good company to work for though hahahah. just because they have been around for 15 years doesnt mean theyre GOOD.

we had something like this in my old job but nothing that was really helpful for my department. so it was more useful to spend my free time studying actual cases rather than use the LMS.  the LMS would be a lot more useful to the normie employees doing the regular business of the company. not to us who were fixing the companys hardware and software and Tech Infrastructure.  for that there was very shitty documentation.

read the manual stupid!

but there is no manual!

or the manual is absolutely fookin retarded! YOU read the manual and tell me what it says! yeah! its bullshit! you need a manual for the manual, AND I strongly suspect that lots of important stuff has been LEFT OUT!

I dont care if I am missing out on valuable training in epic emr software. i hear the shit sucks anyway. and is probably collaborating with FEDGOV in unwholesome ways much like I suspect my previous employer was.

although the idea of electronic medical records makes perfect sense to me. although it also makes sense to me that EMR is just as much a CLUSTERFOOK than paper medical records. hence the transitioning which takes years, the bloated and mysterious software, the bugs, the service people dont know if its a bug or a feature and the programmers are too busy to look at it, you have the service people look at it.

SET UP TO FAIL hahahaha. thats exactly what they do and thats why theres high turnover and you can ALWAYS get a job at these places.

i was watching married at first sight the first year, which comes back to the people who chose to stay together. and now they are having problems. and the 28 year woman who threw her ring down the drain because she didnt feel her husband cared about her, she said, IT TAKES TWO TO MAKE IT, AND TWO TO BREAK IT.

WRONG, BITCH! I fumed at the TV. it takes TWO to MAKE it, but it only takes ONE to break it. YOU broke it. YOU are not givng him a chance. not listening to HIM. YOU are being the bad guy to him. YOU are not willing to work on this. HE is. and of course now you’re blaming HIM and saying it takes TWO to break it. fook you bitch. you dont deserve him hahahaha.

so women, the masters of relationships, really have no idea how relationships REALLY work. they are like the managers of the call centers who have no idea of how to actually do calls and solve problems. they just fire you when you cant live up to their unrealistic standards. oh god. such a great analogy good job me.

they dont know how shit works, they just want you to WORK HARDER and WORK BETTER when THEY are the source of the problem, then they dump YOU because you can’t walk on water, and you’re the bad guy because you weren’t willing to walk on water.

how do you write such good women, well i think of a man, then take away all reason and accountability, hahahahahahaha.

if that 28 year old woman had been married with 3 or more children, she wouldnt be such an idiot asshole.

Heh I am turning down GREAT money just because of some shit some disgruntled employees said on the internet. glassdoor.com. yeah well when there is such a pattern of reviews. also the company could put plants in to write more positive reviews. BUT THEY DIDNT! there were barely any positive reviews, and the ones that were sounded like they were written by black children. THESE ARE THE BEST PLANTS YOU CAN BUY???? While the bad reviews sounded like they were written by intelligent, hard working people, who were rightfully bitter from being shit on. You can get a sense of how intelligent a person is by HOW THEY WRITE. The negative reviews were more numerous, more detailed, and more intelligent than the few positive reviews. There is a real pattern there.

the short term mindset!!!!!! they dont vet the people they are hiring! that’s why they are outsourcing the hiring to someone ELSE!!!!! they dont vet the plants who are supposed to be improving their image on glassdoor! they just hire a TOTAL MORON to write OBVIOUSLY FAKE reviews!

It reminds me of my old company sort of: we had an internal message board where the end users of the new program could ask questions, ask for help. great idea, potentially great resource. I read that shit every DAY to try to learn more about the program, the users, the problems, and the fixes, and watch what the higher ups would say to the end users basically.

Except for the first month or so of the message board, which was not well promoted and only Super Employees like me even KNEW about it, the questions were answered by Obviously Morons who had just been hired with no training. Who would post back “Good quezchun bla bla. let me look into that 4 u and I reply later. sinsurrly, shaneek’wa jankins”

then they would reply many hours later with absolutely useless information that didnt really answer shit. Its like a teacher needing help and then asking a first day student for help. its ass bakcwards.

then the person needing help, who was writing more intelligently than the person hired to “help” them, would say, you know, I don’t think you’re getting this, what I’m saying is bla bla bla

then the idiot level 1 would post “Thank you, let me look into that” and then come back with “You must call the service desk and create a service ticket number.”

so then you call us and either get someone as dumb as shaneequa, or someone as smart as me. or someone who is smart but they are flustered and overwhelmed and they seem dumb. like me in my first 6 months hahahaha. like 80% of the people there because the majority of people leave within a year.

eventually the level 2 people started responding in the forums. they seemed smarter but were also ruder and said yep well you gotta call the service desk and create a ticket before we can do anything.

When the Best Practice Best In Breed Center Of Excellence Service would be, I’m sorry the program has been so buggy, whens a good time to call you so you and I can talk directly and I can remote in and take a look at this? I will private message you with my direct phone number.

but no, everything is a SINGLE POINT OF CONTACT (beware that) which means theres ONE phone number, probably with a very complicated IVR (menu of items, impossible to speak to a human), the first person you speak to will be an undertrained “moron”, who will have a VERY hard time transferring you to someone who DOES know anything about anything, because there’s too few of those people.  and higher ups can HIDE behind a WALL of poorly trained idiots! and you cant return calls from higher ups! oops missed you for the day, now I can’t fix your case! I’ll try calling you again within 72 hours!

Or getting a call and realizing YOU are technically the subject matter expert on this topic because no one else is in the office at that time. well, expert is a little strong a word for what i actually know about this thing, hahahahaha.

the so called experts know nothing! it’s very difficult to speak to somebody who KNOWS anything!

but its just as much….no its even MORE frustrating for the level 1 person answering the phones, than you FOR to call them and talk to an idiot. becuase how would you like to BE that idiot, doing calls like that ALL DAY????

thats not a JOB! that’s a PUNISHMENT!!!!

they should make criminals, murderers and child molesters, do this job from PRISON!!!!!!!!!!! instead they get sweet chill jobs like making license plates hahahaha.  kinda makes you want to go to prison hahahaha. no i kid. but im not kidding when saying they should make the worst prisoners do this type of job. not decent people like you and me and even that woman.

lyin ted is gonna pick carly fiorina as his vp. this might actually gain him some votes. but prob not enough to stump the trump. i hope not!

weighed it at lowest weight yet….148.0 pounds. I suspect I just got lucky on a low water day and it will be a WHILE before it gets any lower, and will in fact bounce back up, possib back above 150. my goal right now is 140. that is how short i am, i have to be 140 pounds to not be a fat slob hahahha.

no 160 pounds is the beginning of overweight and I was like 168? at the beginning of january. 20 pounds in 4 full months? thats not TERRIBLE.

thing is, losing weight doesnt really help short guys all that much. it wouldnt make HER any more attracted to me. women who like short guys will probably settle for chubby guys too hahaha. wow that is really self deprecating hahaha. its statements like that that are the reason i have no self confidence hahaha.

really its just a way for me to exercise some actual control over my life hahahaha. that i can reach SOME kind of goal.

tarzan was not some damn brown polynesian fooking white jane, he was a WHITE man fooking white jane, fooking geico. god damn i WISH i could boycott geico hahahaha. or that feel where the supermarket you go to get EVERYTHING has horrible race mixing commercials and you CANT boycott them hahahahaha.

you cant boycott antiwhite companies because ALL companies are openly antiwhite hahahaha.

boy i hope i dont get PARANOID about this hahahah.

shit i learned from a previous post that i looked at prono on nov 9. so now its only been 170 days since i looked at porno. damn. not long enough.

i certainly have not regretted it. although sometimes even recently i get a small craving. like i FORGOT what it LOOKS LIKE. well GOOD. i SHOULD forget what it looks like!!!!!!!!!!! Its jooish degenerate mind and soul POISON!!!!! so of course women like it now and say its no big deal and like to watch porno while they dildo themselves hahahaha.

so maybe as PEOPLE become more Pornified, Porn is NO LONGER an exaggeration of the sex act!!!! and it becomes a more accurate portrayal of What Secs Really Is!!!!!! good lord thats horrifying and sad. cuz you can’t say “porn sucks because its an unrealistic portrayal of secs.” well no its not, so you’re wrong, porn is not necessarily bad unless it Performs in the Vocabulary of Internalized Systems of Kyriarchal Oppression.

really what it comes down to is a deep, almost religious respect and reverence for human life AND THE PROCESS WHICH CREATES HUMAN LIFE.

was i ridiculous and overbearing and overwhleming to her? OF COURSE I was. But I dont think thats a good REASON or justification for her to walk out on me and block me entirely. you just dont do that to people. I am angry that she would come up with a list of reasons why it was OK for her to do this. because he did this. because he was being that weird. he was weird and bad enough to justify this.

well NO I WASNT.

yes, i was bad and weird, BUT NOT ENOUGH TO JUSTIFY THAT.

it has taken me a long time to convince myself of that. just like she is convincing herself that yes, i WAS bad and weird enough to justify No Communication.

maybe if i told her i was a virgin who had never been dumped before hahahahah she would have tried to be more gentle with me.

i mean why WOULDNT you be gentle with someone you care about, who cares about you, who has opened their heart for you and made themselves vulnerable for you? because. you just dont want them to luv you. yeah well, try to be gentle with peoples HEARTS as a general RULE. a general rule of LIFE.  I know I would try to be gentle with peoples HEARTS, if anyone ever showed me their heart hahaha.

yeah well they have showed me there hearts sometimes and i HAVE been sensitive to that. like when she was telling me her worries about her boifran in like 2013. i genuinely cared and it was very uncomplicated because I didnt have feelings for her yet and we were still Just Friends and I was perfectly fine with that, and wanted her to work things our wiht her BF, and she gave it an honest effort, maybe, and he said nope I’m done. which is fine, that happens, but he also told her im done rather than just avoid the fook out of her. they had several arguments!

ok drug test for post office tomorrow. closest place is 8 miles away hahahaha. thankfully was able to sched it for morning. and in time before their deadline. so get up tomorrow, leave at least half the bladder full in the morning hahahaha. cuz i drink so much coffee and water throughout the day that theres no way I could not be diluted. i dont know how I did this when I used to do this early in the morning before Work hahahahaha. like try making a BM, but also keeping your Urine In. not easy hahahaha.

she just wasnt very PERCEPTIVE. or if she was, she just didnt SHOW it. i think she was more perceptive than she PRETENDED NOT to be hahahahaha. that dirty LIAR. was she lying or not lying?

no she was just overwhelmed and cowardly and running away like a scared animal. like the slightest move or sound makes a deer go jumping away.

yet she can handle a tough job and also fook men without emotion or feeling. hehehe well i dont know that second part. and now she is out of a job just the same as me. she has a good excuse though, and made a lot more money, and probably has good leads though her new friends there. get meeeeeee a job toooooo! ok done.

heh. without her i never would have gotten that stupid job. and now that even though she has left me, i can’t escape The Taint hahaha. now all these call center jobs want me because I have experience…..but I dont want to go back to any call center.

its like getting aids from your lover then you lover dumps you but the aids stays with you and kills you hahaha.

i wish we had just gotten together and never left our old job and lived happily ever after. instead I managed to waste the last 2 and a half years of my life hahaha. one step forward, two or three steps back.

lost a very important person in a very sad way, lost muh livelihood, and now the only jobs that want me are shitty jobs just like that one hahaha. maybe i should go back to skool hhaahahha. bbbbbut i already have 200 credits of college isnt that enough? NO.

OK. I have my txt resume, which is my master resume, which then gets copied essentially to both linkedin and indeed. and any external site that wants you to build a resume. copy and paste.  so really any change I have to make, needs to be made in 2 OTHER places: linkedin and indeed.

Or I could just update those once a month or once a week. re copy and paste everything from the Master Resume.

When I have an actual interview, I whittle the Master Resume down to a One Page Resume. but make sure they have a copy of the Master resume too.

Anyway today I went through and replaced semicolons with periods; because it looks autistic to have too many semicolons; and periods look better; dont they;

yes. of course they do. good idea there. nice value-add.

2016-04-27_16h52_24

this fookin sloth hahahahaha it took him ALL DAY to write that on their bullshit team building instant messenger chat software while his entire team was running themselves ragged trying to walk on water and design, build, market, sell a flying umbrella, on the whim of their asshole lion manager, within 20 hours. the sloth moves SO SLOW, all he can do is type that one sentence in 20 hours. This is great and I have mentioned it before but here’s the picture.

it is kinda SAD to see the majestic animals acting like Professional Humans With Careers. Animals shouldn’t be doing this. HUMANS shouldn’t be doing this. hopefully other people are disturbed by that too.

also look how the manager lion does jack shit while everyone else is running around like fookin spazzes. yepppp. read between the lines mother fooker. the writing is on the wall!!!

I want to see that companys Call Center Of Excellence. That is filled with fookin morlocks or some shit. or fookin…that ugly ass fish blob that looks like a sad piece of slime.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Center_of_excellence

well, i guess a COE can be something other than a call center. but call centers can certainly use the term. it usually means they have met the ridiculous metrics by being especially clever at cutting corners but they have enough good people left to produce some raving fans who appreciate their work….but I guarantee these Great People are being Ground down and pushed out the door and are are being unappreciated by their managers and company. but they are appreciated by their callers/customers and trust me that is important. it was important to me! my callers LOVED the GREAT service I gave them, even though it wasnt FAST enough for the company, which hurt my departments METRICS and kept us from being a COE.

https://agileelements.wordpress.com/2008/10/29/what-is-a-center-of-excellence/

i still dont know what the shit means. why wouldnt EVERY place want to be a center of excellence.

its like a way of saying, we have best practices and trained people.

well why WOULDNT you have those things?

because they cost money.

its amazing how many places where its your job to be the FIRST to DEVELOP best practices because literally NO ONE knows what they are doing.

but how can you determine BEST practices when you dont know GOOD from BAD?

well I guess you can easily tell if something is good or bad. and then just keep struggling in the direction of the good right.

and a bunch of indian agile scrum lean black belt six sigma project managers in the comments say what a great bullshit article, ive been tasked with creating a center of excellence to utilize resources, but i dont know how, and your article has helped me how to create a center of bullshit.

heh i wished they taught ANY of this in school. in 200 credits of college hahaha. maybe they had a paragraph in management 101 which i took. i actually never took business 101 because i figured it would be too fluffy. i took “actual” classes like accounting and economics. marketing and management were as fluffy as I got.

explain to me in plain english what a center of excellence is, fooking phaggots.

and then when you look it up on the internet…..you just get MORE confused.

but yeah I thought business was supposed to be efficient and competent.

but they are incompetent and only give the ILLUSION of efficiency.

by training people and have actual best practices they could provide better service, have happier customers, and be proactive not reactive, and make more money in the long run.  and it shocked me how companies are very resistant to this common sense, decent, good faith, white way of doing business. real fookin dudley dooright bullshit i guess. well thats me then. dudley dooright the good natured pollyanna.

google what is a center of excellence
A center of excellence (CoE) is a team, a shared facility or an entity that provides leadership, best practices, research, support and/or training for a focus area.
Center of excellence – Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Center_of_excellence

really its just mroe business bullshit. i should try not to get so MAD about BULLSHIT. but for some reason this business bullshit makes me MAD. because it results in customers getting the RUNAROUND and forcing honest people to GIVE other honest peopel the runaround. thats why i hate the bullshit.

 

IT’S HUMILIATING / IT WASN’T WORTH IT

Mar 30

Addition to despair forums profile recently:

 

About Me
Yes, I have been a member since 2006! But I am much more a lurker than a poster and can go years without posting.

MARCH 2016: Still trying to get over my devastating events of 2015, loss of “loved one” and loss of job, something of an emotional breakdown, absolute destruction of all confidence. The loved one was a woman I liked who rejected me in a pretty bad way. She was more than a random woman, but an actual friend I had been friends with for over 2 years. As our friendship grew in depth and closeness and “intimacy”, I developed more-than-friends feelings for her. Because those were based on what I felt was deep mutual trust and knowing each other, the feelings were pretty deep and I thought she was “The One.” Obviously, this type of thing complicates a friendship, and I wanted to talk and communicate with her about it. At this time, she began avoiding me and always having excuses for not hanging out. We used to hang out regularly, now it was always excuses. I didn’t want to be pushy….but I ended up being pushy anyway. I should have just been ASSERTIVE and said “THIS ENDS NOW” and said WE NEED TO TALK, but I am more passive aggressive, less assertive. Not a good way to be with the ladies, hahaha. This pattern continued for 10 months and I was upset she couldn’t even put aside 2 hours to hang out with me outside of work and talk. We used to hang out! Also her excuses were somewhat legit and not really dishonest. She wasn’t dishonest, she was just a classic conflict AVOIDER. I’m the same way, partially, but this I couldn’t avoid. She, however, had no incentive to deal with it, whereas I did. She just wanted to ignore it and hope it would go away. I wanted to put in my bet and get a solid yes or no. It was looking like a no, but she would rather avoid saying it. OK, I can understand. I was also sending verbal signals and pretty clear signs like “we have been friends for a long time and I appreciate you more and more the longer we’ve known each other, and I would like to continue to get closer to you and spend more time with you this year. you are very important to me and I am very thankful for you” etc etc. I think she successfully interpreted what that meant and then was scared by my feelings because she clearly didn’t feel the same way.

Anyway, over 10 months it built to a boiling point and she stopped talking to me altogether. Wouldn’t respond to my texts anymore, pretended I didn’t’ exist. This was not the way I wanted our almost 3-year relationship to end. I freaked out and quit the job we both worked at. We were friends BEFORE we both got this job in late 2013, we weren’t “just work friends” but that’s what it seemed she wanted us to become. I wrote her 3 long emails explaining my side of the story, my feelings, spelled it all out for her, begged her to respond, but she didn’t respond at all.

I felt like I was thrown away like a piece of garbage. For a long time, I blamed myself for “making her do this” and pushing her away from me. Like I betrayed her by getting feelings for a friend. She wouldn’t talk or respond to me AT ALL. And I didn’t want to be a “weirdo” and bombard her with messages. I felt I kept the messages to a non-weirdo level, but I did send 3 long emails over the course of 1 month.

I just wanted her to acknowledge my feelings, to care about my feelings, and to show concern about an important relationship in both our lives for almost 3 years. I wanted her to tell me this friendship mattered to her and that it hurt her too, that the friendship had to be over. I know at one time I was an important friend to her. I just don’t like being thrown away, I didn’t feel like I was treated like a human being, it was a huge devastated heartbreaking disappointment.

Total lack of closure altogether. I have NO IDEA what she was thinking or feeling. I have TONS of unanswered questions that will never BE answered because she won’t talk to me. I felt abandoned, given up on, thrown away, like she bailed and gave up on me. When you want to get out of a relationship, at least TELL the other person. Write me an email at least. I wrote you long emails and explained as fully as I could what I was feeling. Try to do the same for me. Just show me a LITTLE mercy and kindness and appreciate that this hurts me. Care about me and my broken heart hahahaha.

Our job was super stressful, basically involved trying to fix and explain things you don’t really understand, to anxious callers with strange technical problems. You never felt confident or competent. Always put on the spot and overwhelmed. The sense of being an impostor that didn’t really know how to do your own job. Fix and explain something you’ve never seen before. Show no weakness, you’re supposed to be the expert. Be familiar with 100000000000 different technical things and be prepared to explain them on the spot. Be an expert tutor for classes you’ve never taken before. Be an expert in things you’ve never learned. It was the best money I’ve ever made in my life but I hated it. I was also upset my performance was affected by her, her being there. I was upset she could manage her emotions better and deal with the job better, and ultimately I was too WEAK to hold down the job, while she continues to succeed there, make more money, her life is not affected at all, but mine is turned upside down.

I just wanted her to COMMUNICATE with me like a mature adult and help end an important relationship in a kind, caring way. Show me the kindness that she USED to show me when we were friends. NOT just avoid, block, ignore, abandon, give up, bail out, and “ghost” me. This is a mind-boggling and just an insane way to be dumped. I will never do this to someone.

My conclusion is that she is just that conflict-avoidant. She doesn’t hate me, she doesn’t feel betrayed by me, she probably does value me as a once-important friend….but this was pure fight or flight, and she chose flight. There was no incentive for her to do the mature thing here. Just push it under the rug. Ignore it and hope it goes away. Let the drowning person drown. Get rid of the problem. If you could perform an abortion on a relationship, that’s what it seemed symbolic of.

But it was important to me to know that she didn’t HATE me, that she didn’t feel BETRAYED by me, and that she valued me and valued our friendship. I will never get answers here, though I was tempted to contact her. But a month after it all went down, I stopped sending emails and went No Contact altogether. That was a struggle, but I kept to it. I wanted her to contact me, but she never did. Indeed, now I’m tempted to contact mutual people to try to learn if she told them anything about what happened because I don’t want other people getting only her side of the story…..whatever that may be.

It was just a horrible, horrible ending to one of the most important relationships I’d had in many years. I had never gotten feelings for a female friend before. I also hadn’t had a female friend in years. And I hadn’t been friends with a woman for this long term. Usually by almost 3 years, we drift away mutually. Not here hahaha.

I wish I had been more assertive and proactive, but I REALLY wish she had shown a little COURAGE in dealing with this. Now I worry that all women are simply not mature enough to handle situations like this. Which I know is false. I’ve been dumped in better ways than this before!

All I needed was a standard, “Awwwwwww! I’m sorry, but I just don’t feel that way! You’re a good person, though!”

But she RAN AWAY from me and I had no idea what she was really thinking or feeling, and I never will.

The job was so stupid and stressful and I wanted to get out of there anyway. It was damaging to the emotional health hahaha. And so was she. I could handle both separately, but not both TOGETHER. I was angry that the JOB came between us. If we didn’t work together every day, I would have handled BOTH situations much better. but there was a definite synergy here in the worst possible way, haha.

Now I have been jobless for about 8 months, haven’t contacted her in 7 months, kind of plateauing on her, starting to get over it, but still pretty butthurt, and feel I will never meet another woman I have feelings for. I feel she is The Last One. I feel I will always be comparing other women to her, how we used to get along so well, and how I liked her so much, was willing to commit to her wholeheartedly. I figure it will take at least another year for me to become emotionally available. I don’t want other women, I want her. I would still “take her back” if she came to me and apologized.

Who QUITS THEIR JOB over something like this? But it’s possible something else would have pushed me to quit the job too. But I am angry because, after a year on the job, I was finally starting to get the hang of it and show real competence and confidence. How do normal people deal with the reality of “sink or swim” practice of job “training”? The confusion and uncertainty were maddening.

So now I feel super underconfident in doing other jobs: this is NORMAL for jobs to not train you! how do you DEAL with pressure and uncertainty and making quick decisions when you don’t really know what you are doing, and manage to survive long enough, for months, until you finally DO start to know what you are doing?

Also, employers will rightfully view me as UNSTABLE. When your Emotional Instability starts to really affect your Working Life, hahaha. It’s AMAZING how DIFFICULT it is just to be a normal working-class adult and hold down a job like a responsible, healthy, normal, average adult. I’ve never really been able to do it. Same with relationships with women. I am definitely the marrying type and the fathering type, I would really like to be married and have children, but I am NOT EVEN CLOSE. Also, I don’t want to have children with somebody unless I Really Love and am Committed to them. Kinda like how I was with my woman friend. There was no on the fence. No one foot out the door (well, not for me.) No, well let’s give this a try and see what happens. I was ALL IN. My mind was set on a lifelong commitment.

And it’s stupid I think more about HER than I do about getting a new job. But I have been getting better with the job search. But the next job I get, I HAVE to stay at for at least a YEAR, even if it’s even WORSE. Don’t want to look like a job hopper. And I am terrified of being put into situations where I have to face customers and clients and I don’t know what I am doing, because The New Normal is for companies to not train their employees because it costs too much money. And then people b!!ch at you when you make mistakes OR ask for help. The F’n New Guy. What a M0R0N.

BTW the profile picture refers to “Pepe the frog” and “tendies.” Google pepe and tendies memes to understand haha. Pepe is a meme frog which can be used in many situations. Tendies is a NEET meme (google neet hahaha) referring to neet L0sers who are too lazy and spoiled to get a job and they just live at home their whole lives and never grow up, never develop into adults, and if they earn enough “good boy points” by emptying their Pee Bottles and leaving the house, then their Mommy makes their 30-year-old virgin L0ser son some Chicken Tendies. YUMMMMM! Neets often have Depression and Anxiety and read /r9k/ on 4chan and 8chan and share pathetic tales of despair, being a 30 year old unemployable virgin. It’s a pathetic life. Some neets legit enjoy not being “wagecucks” and they enjoy watching anime all day. I just want to be a productive adult and have a 3D waifu hahaha. I don’t like anime. But it’s so difficult to convince companies to hire me and so hard to convince women that I am Cool Enough to Hang Out With. I’m tired of always having to Prove myself, and then having my argument not be persuasive enough, so I don’t get the job or the woman. I do not deal with rejection well hahaha. Also, I am just tired of being rejected over and over. I think you need a little success once in a while to keep you going. But it is demoralizing to go many years without gainful employment, and to go many many years without an Intimate Relationship. I hope it doesn’t leave permanent damage, but it certainly does decrease your confidence and make you less attractive to both employers and women.

I am actually a good/great employee, and a good/great friend, and would be a great partner to the right woman, but I feel like people don’t give me a fair CHANCE. Well, nobody said life is FAIR hahahaha. You have to assertively demand that people give you a chance. And 99% of the time they will still reject you, hahahaha. And not in a nice way either, hahaha.

Basically, I want to stop feeling like a Loser and stop BEING a Loser and just be more of a winner. It sux being a Loser At Life. A Failure. The two biggest things that would fix that are gainful employment at a job that doesn’t drive you crazy; and a healthy relationship with someone who will love you in good times and bad. Yeah, these are kinda big things and take a LOT of work. And I don’t feel capable of doing such sustained, intense, focused work. Everything just seems TOO HARD hahaha. The stuff normal people do as part of being normal: working, having a wife. They make it LOOK EASY but its really haaaaaarrrdddd as heck.

Anyway I think companies SHOULD train their employees and SHOULD create an environment where people can get HELP in doing their jobs. That they are “set up for success” and not failure. No more sink or swim. I understand cutting costs in the short term, but I care much more about the long term. I would ALWAYS try to help new people once I actually knew something about the job. ALWAYS. And I would support them and encourage them. Because I know how hard it is to be a new guy and spend day after day, month after month, feeling like an 1d10t. Yes, that eats away at your confidence, rather than builds it up. like a train wreck in slow motion hahaha. We’re all here to do our jobs the best we can. Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it. Tell me what to say and I’ll say it. Give me the tools and processes to Solve Problems and I will solve problems. Don’t make me figure everything out by myself. What kind of message does it send to our clients to have people out there that are terrified and clearly don’t know what they’re doing? Also, some people do better than others when under pressure. I break under pressure and can’t do even simple things. Other people do their best work under pressure. not me. I can’t even remember my own NAME when under pressure. Are there any jobs for people who don’t handle pressure well????!?!?!

The most useful thing to me was Studying After Work. Studying like I had a big College Maths Exam the next day. Because that’s what it felt like. Taking a test all day, every day, only you had to orally explain your answers as you worked them while an anxious person hovered over you and interrogated you. But you hadn’t really studied the book or done the homework or gone to lectures and you had the worst, most useless instructor ever. I couldn’t believe a job could BE like that. It blew my mind and shattered my soul hahaha. But I managed to persevere for a full year, and slowly improve, until the problem with The Darn WOMAN pushed me to my breaking point. It’s all SO frustrating and disappointing.

I don’t like having to “BS” people just to get them off the phone. I like to ACTUALLY fix problems and to ACTUALLY know what’s going on. I like being able to get help from another person. I REALLY like being able to transfer a client to a more knowledgeable colleague when I can’t figure something out, and being able to listen in and see how THEY handle the problem. I don’t like being told to “figure it out” and left on my own to flail like a drowning man. You constantly wanted a hero to swoop in and save you, but you had to be your own hero and cobble together the most kludgey workarounds. “Throwing spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks” was my metaphor. It looked UNPROFESSIONAL as heck. It looked like we didn’t know what we were doing and were making it up as we went along……because that’s exactly what it was. I do not deal well with that kind of work. I need certainty and real explanations and real knowledge and real HELP.

That job, combined with THAT PERSON, was a recipe for disaster, and boy did it happen.

I have a huge ridiculous blog that is focused on helping losers become winners. Lately though it is me moaning about being a loser. To show the world what Real Love and Real Heartbreak looks like. To share the internal world of someone who knows he’s a loser and just can’t pull himself out of it. BUT trying to be more optimistic than /r9k/ for example. You should read /r9k/ for a while to get an idea of what it is……then stay away from it forever. My perspective is like /r9k/ but for people that really really want to Get Better. Anyway, message me if you want the link for my blog.

That is not my real birthday but I am in my Early Thirties. An Older Millennial. I definitely feel older and different than the younger/average millennial. I still have some similarity with generation x. the nihilism and cynicism hahaha. but I never became a successful adult like they did. also, most younger millennials are more successful adults than I am. good jobs, good relationships. I just can’t relate to these normies hahahaha but darn I wish I did!!!!!

I try to deal with stuff by writing although not sure if that really helps. Also, like to exercise, that might help a little more. Trying to lose weight. maybe that will make me more attractive to women hahaha. so desperate for female attention and approval!!!!! always have been.

But I am not really a bad or annoying or creepy guy. I have had great friends who really appreciated me. I just am shy and introverted and people need to give me a chance hahaha. But the people who did give me a chance usually ended up getting something valuable out of it, hahaha.

I just don’t like being abandoned or given up on by a close friend! This would hurt ANYBODY, even the most confident NORMIE!!!!! And so it was especially hurtful to me, being insecure and unstable hahaha.

I don’t shove my insecurities in people’s faces. Only anonymously on the internet, hahaha. In Real Life, I just seem like a quiet and nice guy. Though maybe a little weird because a little too quiet. But I’ve had people who appreciated me. I guess I would like to have more appreciation at the moment hahaha. My family appreciates me THANK GOD but I am greedy for more appreciation: that of especially women and jobs.

I like all kinds of music and movies. I enjoy black metal and artsy foreign movies. Yes, these things can be quite degenerate. It’s hard finding stuff to watch or listen to that isn’t TOO degenerate.

I am really against Degeneracy, though, which I find in EVERYTHING. Any product of modern culture is somewhat degenerate. Promoting immorality, hedonism, and nihilism. I have discarded things I used to like, simply because it’s ultimately a bad influence. For this very reason, I am no longer a Big Fan of any TV shows. TV is horribly degenerate in general. As are movies. As is music. It’s hard to ENJOY anything because so much is rooted in degeneracy and has no higher meaning. Like I said, it promotes and is born from an unhealthy worldview. It does not nourish or strengthen the soul. It’s hollow and empty and soulless and sometimes downright wrong, immoral, evil. No redeeming qualities. Casual sex, hedonism, nihilism, moral relativism, amoral, immoral, if it feels good, do it. If it gets you off, do it. I can’t tolerate that stuff anymore. Or where the only thing that matters is that everyone is Consenting. Consent is a crappy Moral Standard. Two people can CONSENT to something that is horribly immoral.

Young people can be BRAINWASHED into living a degenerate life. I know I was. It’s basically short-term hedonistic GLUTTONY of the senses. I never did casual sex simply because I was not attractive to women, but I did use too much pornography for a time. Porn is hugely degenerate IMHO and I wish I’d never seen it. I want to stay away from it for the rest of my life. We should not tolerate Porn as a normal thing. It’s BAD. It’s WRONG. It’s IMMORAL. It’s DEGENERATE. NO GOOD can come from it.

As you can see, I am no stranger to making Strong Moral Judgments hahahaha. I would have it no other way. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten more Moralistic. I Cannot tolerate moral relativism anymore. There is RIGHT, and there is WRONG. Period.

I perhaps overestimate how “degenerate” some things are, but I truly believe the stuff goes DEEP. It is ALMOST like a deep PsyOp designed to destroy our morality and our souls. The Devil works in crafty, mysterious ways hahaha.

No, I am not super religious but I have become more religious. Or, at least antiatheistic, where when I was young and dumb I was vehemently atheistic, antitheistic. Now I just think that is smug sophistry by fedora-wearing “I Luv SCIENCE” types.

A lot of this is tied to a Political and Ideological awakening I had in my mid to late twenties where I essentially went from Left to Right, to oversimplify it greatly. In college, you had to be Far Left to be cool. I wanted to be cool, to just fit in, and have friends, meet girls, have people like me. But as I got older, I couldn’t keep going with the moral relativism of the Left. I had to Become Who I Was hahaha.

Uhhh I won’t judge anyone here as degenerate. That is none of my business. Just try not to HURT people. It’s not that hard. If they are begging you to show them mercy, show them mercy. If they are begging you not to throw them away like a piece of garbage, DON’T throw them away like a piece of garbage! Have respect and care for your friends’ feelings! Don’t add insult to injury! Also don’t be a cheater.

And don’t have casual sex with more than one person at once. Yes, it’s the other person’s business because you might be giving them a disease hahaha. You know what, don’t have casual sex at ALL because sex is inherently INTIMATE and NOT casual, and when you try to make it casual, this will come back to haunt you, by making you unable to connect with people. Unable to love haha.

If you are a woman who has a male friend, understand that he might develop feelings for you after a while. Try not to be hugely offended by this, and let him down GENTLY. He’s still the same person you became friends with. He just likes you so much that he wants to take the friendship to a deeper level. Let him down GENTLY. Darn.

.

END

yeah buddy.

mar 31

well, I felt all energized and uplifted because I posted 2 rambling incoherent posts on despair forums, now the next day I am too scared to go and check the replies. scared that somebody is gonna criticize my rambling, incoherent, stupid nonsense hahaha and bad communicators don’t get good jobs like the 21-year-old gurls right out of college with their shiny LinkedIn profiles who have better jobs than I ever will. working for healthcare admin hmos maybe? wearing problem glasses yet still being cute, making 20 dah as some kind of Team Lead or Program Manager. hahaha, I have never been a team lead in my life. I hate when young women become Job Leaders. I wish I could be as successful as Young Women. they will probably make You Know Who a Team Lead. so she can give shitty advice to tier 1. fook her hahahaha. I used to give GOOD advice to new tier 1’s when I was just a tier 1 as well!!!!!

and I gave much better advice as a tier 1 than she will ever give as a tier 2! she will be one of those useless tier 2’s that gives shitty advice, and is always bitchy, and refuses to escalate for desperate newbs who are begging for escalation!

hopefully, she can also become a fat mudshark single mom to a brown baby and a deadbeat baby daddy and she gets hooked on pain pills recreationally!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

when she coulda been a good wife to me, and FIXED me hahahaha and we would have HUHWHYTE babies, and I would never leave her and she would never leave me, and I would gradually move up in my career and make more money and become more respected and have an easier job and make more money hahaha and people could say damn, he is SMART and he is GOOD and he is the BEST manager ever. I want to BE LIKE him. He’s got a great faithful wife too, and 3 or more beautiful children. I want him to write me a letter of reference so I can get a southern new Hampshire online MBA for 80 grand.

I hate that she is way dumber than me and almost as lazy and underachieving and losery and unambitious, yet she does OK with her working life and is on the way up, while I am constantly falling towards rock bottom, like homer falling down the Jagged Crags of Springfield gorge. and she is almost 10 years younger than me.

I HATE HAVING TO COMPETE WITH MUCH YOUNGER WOMEN FOR JOBS AND HAVING THEM BE WAY MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN ME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

young college age gurls, who are probably huge casual sex having sluts, partying on the weekends, are fookin managers and supervisors and team leads making 20 DAH and writing business bullshit on their LINKEDIN pages and treating LinkedIn as their new facebook. And they are spewing the business bullshit very well, talking just like A Manager, not even misspelling shit. How do they BULLSHIT so WELL?

I wish they were just at home having white babies and there would be more jobs open for white men like me hahahaha.

it just seems very unnatural and unwholesome to compete against women for jobs. when you can’t get women OR jobs, it makes you even MORE resentful against women. cuz they have the good jobs that you want and can’t get, and also you want women themselves, but can’t get them either. and if they removed themselves from the workforce and weren’t so damn career focused, there wouldn’t be such fierce competition for jobs, and you’d have a better chance at getting a damn job.

and every damn woman has DUMPED you AND they became successful At Work while you continued to be a HUGE FAILURE at both Work AND Women hahaha.

there’s the gurl who’s 10 years younger than you, you fell in love with her, she dumped you harshly, she’s dumber than you, yet she’s way more successful than you and makes way more money than you. its HUMILIATING!!!!!!

yes going on LINKEDIN is NOT RECOMMENDED. fooking hip young college gurls treating it as a CAREER FACEBOOK, all trying to one-up each other in their health and recruiting and staffing and PR and marketing and HR careers. and social work and teaching.

I read their accomplishments and I don’t even know what this shit MEANS because I’ve never worked a job like that. let alone succeeded at it and ADVANCED in it. hahaha. I have always quit before I ADVANCED in anything because I can’t handle the pressure hahaha. how do these young dumb GURLS do it? how are they STRONGER than me???!!!

I HATE THAT!!!!! IT’S HUMILIATING!!!!!!!

welp applied to 3 jobs so far today.  that makes 11 this week. still haven’t heard anything hahaha.

well you have to do 100 applications to get 1 interview, and 100 interviews to finally get 1 job! therefore, you must apply to 1000 jobs. therefore, I am 11/1000  aka .011% on my journey to get a job hahahaha.

EXCUSE ME. 1.1%. aka .011 straight up. 1.1% in 4 days is not bad. therefore, about 400 days to get a job hahaha.

a lower paying job than before where SHE makes at least 3 DAH more than I do, but hopefully something less stressful.

shit. I want HER to go crazy and quit the job. to one day say NOPE I CANT TAKE IT ANY MORE and walk out and start all over again like I did.

FOOK these BITCHES and their SUCCESS!!!!!!

well mainly I’m angry at my own lack of success, but when you lack something, you are mad at yourself for not being able to reach your own standards, but also jealous and envious and butthurt at all the people who HAVE what you WANT.

ie WOMEN, women have the JOBS and they have….the women hahahaha. They have the things you want, and you’re not good or strong enough to get those things for yourself, but a 21-year-old gurl IS?

ITS HUMILIATING!!!!!!!

years of this can really give you an inferiority complex!!!

that really hurts you in regards to Struggling for Jobs and Struggling for Women!

Life IS Struggle!

you can’t get demoralized by that struggle, you have to

JUST KEEP STRUGGLING.

NEVER STOP STRUGGLING.

this video keeps popping up

do women have in-group loyalty or not?  The video seemed pretty good from fast forwarding thru it without sound hahaha.

so women are naturally TRAITORS and OPPORTUNISTS? This SUCKS. How are men SUPPOSED to love that shit? sure, carrying your child is a big deal……

well maybe women CHANGE after they have CHILDREN, to become less traitorous. And better people. Better wives. so it makes perfect sense to have children ASAP so you don’t grow up to be a SHITTY TRAITOR.

WILL TRADE RACISTS FOR RAPISTS hahaha

Women would rather get RAPED by RAPEUGEES than show any allegiance to men of their own race who white knight and defend then. Rather get RAPED by an outgroup than be DEFENDED by your ingroup.

ABSOLUTELY TRAITOROUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

heh. Watching that video and reading the comments won’t make you LIKE women any more.

Hey, didn’t I say I don’t LIKE hating women? its too unhealthy? That it’s better for my mental health to LIVE IN DENIAL regarding the INHERENT SHITTINESS of women? That that’s really the best way to take care of MY self and not get discouraged.

tfw when LYING TO YOURSELF IS BETTER FOR YOU THAN being HONEST with yourself. yikes.

well i guess never be so unaware of your lie that you do stupid shit, like get feelings for a woman or get married or have children hahahaha.  get chained to some traitorous bitch that will divorce you in 6 months and take your money and house and kids to ride the carousel and outperform you in career.

Just got a call about Accounting Clerk job thru staffing agency with hopefully nearby client. Just applied for the job less than 4 hours ago. they left message, I froze and knew I should call them back before 3:30 when the Recruiter said She was leaving office. Worried that they would put me on spot with hard bullshitty questions right there. Faced the fear and called anyway. Sounded pretty good on phone. Explained my accounting experience: I worked as an “Accounting Department Assistant” briefly 11 years ago; I took 3 college courses in accounting and got A’s; understand basics of accounting; know some Quickbooks and Peachtree and excel of course; but they specifically wanted X years of Paid Working SAP experience. I said I didnt have that but was more than willing to learn SAP as quickly as needed. Sorry, we need SAP people immediately, but we will keep your resume on file. Ok, thank you.

She was moderately nice and not a hostile bitch, so that was good.

Yeah “learning SAP quickly” is like “learning All Maths quickly”. Learn to become an experienced Software Engineering Quickly and get ramped up to hit the ground running tomorrow for your new job as a microsoft senior developer. I know SAP is a complicated, confusing, big, customizable, labrynthine behemoth, the cause of nightmares and ulcers and lost sleep and racing thoughts and ragequits hahahaha. You have to pay good money to get decent SAP training. One does not simply learn SAP quickly and hit the ground running for a 12 DAH job. I am surprised they don’t have full blown degrees in SAP. I am sure there are full courses in SAP. Beginning, intermediate, advanced. I have taken none. I’ve taken Intro and INtermediate Accounting though! Got all the way through the 30 pound 1500 page textbook! Remember very little other than assets = liabilities + equity, and I couldn’t explain what that means to an accounting student. Couldn’t even bullshit it.

BULLSHITTING IS ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT LIFE SKILLS YOU CAN HAVE. And I am VERYYYYY rusty on it. And I don’t like doing it all day. It’s dishonest and exhausting!!!!!!!

But oh well, I called them. That is an accomplishment. Now to see what these assholes on despair forums are tearing me apart.

No, not really thankfully. I think I even got 1 like! Made one more long, rambling incoherent post. There is honestly much less activity on this forum than on the trails forum. I can’t believe it! Despair form gets like 1 post every 5 to 10 minutes, TRS gets a couple posts every minute!

i guess i wouldnt have a HUGE problem with me having casual sex with some random young qt. i mean hey if they want to be a slut I’m not gonna stop them! I just don’t care about Randoms!

but HER, the idea of HER having casual sex offends and RUSTLES me TO THE MOON!!!!! cuz I Luved her and treated her cvnt like some kind of sacred, life-bearing treasure from GOD. which it kinda was. but feeling like that is gonna bring me nothing but pain now. Cuz i just want to forget about her, forget i ever met it. it wasn’t worth it.

We had some really good times, but IT JUST WASNT WORTH IT.

The bad times outweighed the good times. And the good times were really good. But the bad times were really, really bad. It was a Net Loss. Net Bad.

Yeah, I LEARNED shit that will make me better and smarter…..but I think I was capable of having a good rel ALREADY, WITHOUT learning these painful lessons. like yeah the lessons were valuable, but they weren’t valuable ENOUGH, they werent MANDATORY.

THE LESSONS WERENT EVEN WORTH IT.

Therefore, QED, I wish I had never met her. Damn.

A big important 2.7 year long relationship which I was heavily invested was not worth it. I wish it had never happened. Then I would have come out ahead of where I am now. Wish I had never met that person.

It’s like putting all your money in an investment, then the investment crashes and you lose all your money. Great. what did you learn? don’t invest all your money in that bad investment. Great Lesson bitches hahaha. but its not gonna get you your life savings back, and you’re not gonna get better about spotting bad investments in the future, nor do you have any money to invest in them.

Like I said, she had some yellow flags, but actually LESS than the average woman. I watch like a HAWK for red flags and picked her because she seemed to LACK them. There was no red flags that she was gonna do what she did. I figured she didnt like me but I had no idea she would completely ignore and block me to the extent that she did. I thought she would respond to me EVENTUALLY. NOPE. and there were no red flags indicating that.

http://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/college-student-always-depressed-0

hehehe i was kinda like this pathetic loser

WORK WITHOUT SLEEP

93

merry fokin xmas eve who cares it doesnt matter life goes on hahahaha

ok got in the 2.8 miler, then a Severe Thunderstorm blew right in.

what else. yeah that dream sucked. oh well. life goes on and you never have a decent rel with a woman.

who cares. you gotta develop your own life apart from a woman.

well i tried to and failed hahaha. i mean i had some very good friendships with men in my life. i just wanted to try The Next Level, a Hetero Rel with a Woman. is that such a goddam CRIME?

really struggled with skool and career.

my god reading linkedin made me want to PUKE. but it is a useful tool in learning how to Talk The Talk; THE single most useful tool ive seen recently for people that want to Talk Like Theyre Employable. That Immersing yourself in this kind of talk, and being able to spew this kind of RUBBISH in interviews WILL eventually get you semi gainfully employed.

also feel like my Higher Power is calling me to the Trades, a good Honest No Bullshit Living.

the new google logo was unveiled recently, i think it sucks. i am glad i dont work at google. not that i ever could.

hahahaha i am so glad i dont have some bullshit awful rel with a woman. NOT THAT I EVER COULD hahahaha.

sour grapes lol

well if i cant get a good rel with a woman i luv, i guess i will take meaningless no strings attached secs with attractive women.  hahahahaha. NEVER FORGETTING that doing that is bad for women, but neutral to good for men. then i could maybe use that New Confidence to Win At Life and get a Gainful 15DAHJ and a Decent Woman.

shit i wouldnt even be able to APPRECIATE a decent woman for another year at least.

when i first met female friend i didnt luv her! I was still All Luved Out from the previous woman. and i didnt get any feels until i knew her for TWO YEARS!

so it stands to reason i will not develop feels for a diff woman for at least two years from now.

not that i WANT to get feels if feels just lead to this kind of Pain and Total Life Ruination!

but i do enjoy that “high” of that particular drug, and also it will prove ive gotten over HER. and have a chance to show i’ve Learned muh lessons.

well now i can see why they say the best rels are when you start out as friends and then become more. because you feel like you know the person, you can trust them, you respect them, you can hopefully communicate with them, you have a connection with them beyond the physical.

and we had all that, we even communicated well on lots of things……..just not the things that turned out to be Absolutely Essential to our Relationship. like when there were serious problems between us, we could not talk about them.

well i was WILLING and WANTED  to talk. she was either unwilling or too afraid to talk.

she would have made me very happy. unfort i would have not made her so happy. and now by rejecting me in SUCH a harsh way, i am super unhappy.

she did not have to do that!!!!! send a message, write a fooking email or something.

i also emailed her my mailing address hahahaha.

you can be sure they will know that you are trying to contact them if you send them a letter hahaha. you cant BLOCK postal mail in other words.

https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=fell+in+love+with+female+friend

note the search query hahahaha

http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-Falling-in-Love-with-Your-Best-Friend-(for-Guys)

eh some good stuff but overall NOT great. plus all the pictures show them hanging out all the time. i couldnt GET my “FRIEND” to hang out AT ALL. plus she was not my “best” friend. heh i am not sure i even HAVE a “best friend” hahahaha maybe when i was younger.

http://www.marsvenus.com/blog/lauren-gray/ive-fallen-in-love-with-my-best-friend-should-i-risk-everything-and-tell-her

meh this is OK, i agree with the author that its good to have A Talk and Tell Them Directly, rather than just bullshit SIGNALS and HINTS. the author gives the following “love script”

QUOTE

“I care about you deeply. Being with you in any way makes me happy. I can’t deny that I’ve developed romantic feelings for you and I want to be your boyfriend. I know you have a man already and I support you completely. I love being your best friend and I just needed to let you know.”

You have put no pressure on her and yet by being so heartfelt you have invited her to open up about her feelings as well. She may tell you that she looks at you like a brother or that she’s happy in her current relationship. But know that you have planted a seed that may very well grow into something special later on.

It takes some serious balls to do what I’m suggesting but I promise you that you will feel lighter and happier once you’ve confronted this. It may be because she reciprocates your feelings and has been waiting for you to make your move. Or it may be because you finally get your answer and you can move on.

anyway I UFMLL agree, you should tell them because…..then you know you told them.

all these morons saying be careful, you dont want to ruin the friendship, dont understand

THE FRIENDSHIP CHANGED THE MOMENT YOU GOT FEELINGS.

i guess some people can confess their feelings, then gurl rejects them and says sorry but i just dont see you that way, so sorry lets just be friends, and then its weird for a few weeks, then they go back to being normal friends. i dunno. i wont deny maybe this has happened to other people. it certainly hasnt happened to me though.

of course i was the guy who thought i could never fall in luv with a female friend, and it finally happened!

ok maybe for some people the feelings can CHANGE back and you can be just friends again. heh. well then i wish i could just fall out of luv with her! and then i would be over her instantly.

but yeah this is getting ridiculous.  i mean i cant even cope with life and am turning into a damn NEET shutin.

well except i Jog 8 miles a day hahahahahahaha. that is really the only positive thing i feel i CAN do.

i can sort of talk the language of the Linkedin Normalfags, but i speak it so unnaturally and begrudgingly that they can tell i have a Bad Attitude and then dont hire me.

but yeah shes the bad guy. if we had an Impartial Arbiter judge the Evidence, or a Jury, they would find that her crimes were worse than mind. namely because i tried, she didn’t. i made an effort, she avoided, ignored, and ran away. i made her scared and uncomfortable? well a lot of that was coming from within her, not just from me.

a lot like my own anxiety is my own damn fault. its not the worlds fault for being so anxiety producing. its my fault for not being able to cope with it. well sure its not “fault fault” per se, i didnt ask for this, i didnt intend it, but i have always been damn anxious and nothing really helps it.

well i guess some days at work i was less anxious than others. this was certainly in 2014 where there was the “perfect good storm” of maybe i dunno august, sept, oct, nov.

i was just starting to fall in luv with her and i wasnt obsessively anxious about muh job, and i wasn’t obsessively anxious about her.

well i was thinking about her a lot but it was WARM FUZZIES at that time and hadnt turned bad yet.

by like feb or march it had turned BAD. she had cooled off a lot, was bitchy to me, i was increasingly frustrated, and the job had gotten a lot worse. super busy, super hectic, super high anxiety, lots of weird new stupid stuff all the time.

therefore, oct, nov, dec, jan, feb, and then by march it was definitely bad. it will go bad within FIVE months. goes from good to bad over 5 months.

i dunno if thats a rule of thumb or what. maybe it is only if you work together at an extremely stressful job and you also rely on her for emotional support for your insane job and she is not willing to give it and is angry at you for being so needy on job related emotional support, let alone the other stuff, like you wanting to HANG OUT with her and TALK. why should she do that with you. cant you see she doesnt WANT to. your feelings dont matter only hers hahahahahahahahahaha.

so obviously this is not a good person to be in a rel with. because she did not luv me.

but i luved HER!

and i am anxious about “settling” into a rel just because the woman luvs me……….but i dont luv her. but i settle because i am that desperate and lonely and am finally pushed to lie to myself. and the poor pathetic woman.

falling asleep over here, good thing i dont have a job because i would be fired for acting like i am on drugs and really messing stuff up, but i am just tired cuz poow widdle babby only got 5 hours of sleep last night!

Hardworking Men get like 4 hours a sleep a night IF THEYRE LUCKY. like once a year. the rest of the day they WORK. and they WORK WITHOUT SLEEP. and their shitty fat stupid wives leave them.

IMHO if you look at a failing relationship its not hard to find the BAD GUY.

Obvious Occam!!!

Captain Obvious.

its the husband obviously beating his wife.

its the one spouse obviously cheating on the other, who is still blindly in luv.

i guess there are instances where both people are a piece of shit.

but one person is usually way more a piece of shit, and the other person is the LONGSUFFERER who is AFRAID to let go of them.

one spouse is a drug/alcohol addict and it is OBVIOUSLY breaking the other persons heart.

one person is OBVIOUSLY the bad guy.

the other person is OBVIOUSLY the victim, and their heart gets BROKEN, and the other person just doesnt care.

in many cases the Dumper is the Bad guy. actually the dumping might be the nicest thing they ever did, releasing the victim from their abuse.

but i HATE to portray myself as a VICTIM! a weak VICTIM of abuse.

cuz it wasnt really abuse. it was just a Really Bad Ending that Broke My Heart worse than its EVER been. and its been broken pretty bad before! thats all.

but yeah she must be the bad guy because i am the one who is totally heartbroke and shes probably not hurting too much at all. never thinks of me. i meant nothing to her lol. oh well life goes on.

when i was 18 and in 13th grade hahahah and just starting to go down The Wrong Path, drinking too much at age 18! not Practicing Game on all the cute 18 year old gurls at College, but being a weirdo who got into stupid arguments with his roomate, and drinking alone in the room…..anyway one of my few good ideas was taking calculus (i later took calculus 1 again in 2012, approx 10 years later!) so i took it and one of the people in my study group, which was three gurls and me interestingly. none of the gurls were horribly cute but they were nice enough and it was a good experience for me just talking to women. i dont recall being all nervous with them either. wow.

anyway one gurl lived in the dorm right down the hall from me. she was kind of “bigger” but she was 18 years old and i am not sure she was UGLY per se but i was not really attracted to her. my stupid roomate would very unkindly make fun of her as “FAT GIRL” which was really inappropriate of him. and made me angry. because she was a nice gurl, and she wasnt super duper fat, nowhere near as fat as your average 30 year old People Of Walmart Hambeast Woman.

plus i think he was saying I was so weak i couldnt meet any women except for fat undesirable ugly women.

well he wasnt doing any better! he was a real asshole.

anyway i was kind of icy to this gurl because i dunno. not mean and not an asshole but never being like lets hang out sometime baby and have experimental kids growing up dormsex. in hindsight i probably SHOULD have!

or just in general maybe should have hung out with her more and made an actual friend out of her instead of a friendly acquaintance???

i had no experience being Friends With Women so i kinda felt it was weird. OH WELL.

and then i didnt make any more female friends for another 3 years at least. doesnt sound like a long time, but a lot of shit happens between 18-21, it feels like a ton of shit is PACKED into those years. and times moves faster and more exciting stuff happens. being young.

but yeah basically i still wish my female former friend would contact me. it will take a LONG time before i stop wishing time. might as well just accept that pain and try to do healthy things like jogging 8 miles a day hahahaha.

but right now i am gonna do a second 2.8 miler, will only get in 5.6 miles today and not 8.4. and maybe have some nyquil when i get back. MAYBE. jurys still out on that one.

 

CANT WIN IF YOURE AFRAID TO LOSE

apr 23

oy vey. anyway. this new job is diff from my current job because newjob is an entire headquarters of a company, with all its departments, right there on the grounds. current job is one fraction of one department of a huuuge corporation, with a ton of people in a huge intimidating noisy room. so getting out of that environment would be good.

however i would be dealing with more departments. lots of “running around”. well, i already do a lot of mental running around dealing with the MILLIONS of potential problems faced by our one department. oftentimes being faced with stuff that really is Not Our Responsibility, but doing it anway.

if they start asking me awkward questions about The Many Mistakes I’ve Made, I’ll just reframe it and say, can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs, can’t succeed until you’ve failed a few times and conquered your fear of failure, can’t win if you’re afraid to lose, and, as my record shows, I’m DEFINITELY not afraid to lose! I also know how to spell definitely.

well, if i’m not WINNING enough for you, I will go back to my Full Time Job then. it’s not like this is an Elite Middle Class Employer. Strictly Upper Working Class. they can’t get Middle Class Career Masterz Degree Tryhards.

but they can get nonlazy people who are willing to show initiative and work hard, hehehehe.

one thing that can really motivate that, is having kids, which causes you to Man Up, Do The Right Thing, Grow Up, and Work a Nonglamorous Working Class Job Job, rather than some non-breeding Middle Class Collegefag what wants a Careeeeeeeeer.

in this case, lying and saying that you have a young kid or kids may help you, it makes you look more reliable, someone who will show up every day, not no call no show, than some single person who can just hop on a train and leave.

ok what i did was make a “ONE SHEETER”  where I listed some of the most common int questions i could think of, and then my perfect answer, and then squeezed basically everything i need to know for the interview on to one sheet of paper. with .2 margins, size 8 font, like a math exam cheat sheet. and then I will bring that one sheet in with me. and also a res, CL, recent classes transcript, and 2 whole ref letters.

apr 24

well i did the interview, it was me and the owner/CEO, and then the CFO, who, not sure if he is #2 in power, but certainly damn close. manages the money son, and prob has authority to hire and fire anyone.

CEO was a very no nonsense man in mid/late sixties. I tried to show confidence and looked him straight in the eye.  He did do a few things to try to put me at ease, so i appreciated that. but he also was very clear that the job was not for the timid. reiterated that point a lot. hammered that point home.

and that was what gave me the most pause, because i am very totes timid as f00k.

HOWEVER they liked me enough that getting the job is a very real possibility, in fact maybe about 75% certainty lets say.

in fact my gut reaction was to run far away, chose “the devil I know” over “the devil I don’t know”, even though I was saying the opposite thing yesterday.

they are still deciding how much money to offer me. I told them my current wage, and then gave them my desired wage, which was one dollar more.

to be really convinced/sold, I would like one dollar more than THAT!!!!!!

there were two positions available, high stress and low stress. the ceo guided me towards the high stress one, as being more apropos for a kollige edumacated intellectual such as muhself.

in fact they came right in talking about the high stress one, then i had to interrupt to say, but I thought another position was on the table too. then he said well yes there is, and continued to steer me towards the original one.

they wanted to move me out of there quick, but they also seemed to like me, with the CEO saying something like “you’re a fine young man” which is probably a good sign, and even if not, at the very least it is polite.

i did not get much time to splain how I was not super aggressive. like I say, they were in a hurry. but they also sent signals that they felt good about me. the #2 guy told me to call him today, and i have been back and forth ever since.

first thought was umm no, i don’t want more stress, and I was just starting to get the hang of my current job, it was starting to possibly become less stressful.

then, how much would they have to pay me for me to take this job? heck once I saw how stressful my current job was, I wanted more money.

so i expressed my concerns to muh friend who got me the interview, and he seemed to kinda push me towards the job, when I was expecting something from him like “yeah that job might not be your style”. but instead more like “I think you would do a good job and should go for it.”

so there’s that, which does count for something.

so then I called the guy back with the plan of expressing my concern, asking a few more questions, being honest about my Personality, finding more about the pay, seeing if he could offer anything to ease my mind.

Which was better than my immediate plan, which was to call him and say NO THANKS.

So I have come a long way in the past few hours hehehe. and then when i finally called him, he was out to lunch, not suprising cuz it is around lunchtime, so i said i’ll call back in an hour.

and now I am typing here trying to figure it all out maaaaann. to be continued….

SLACKER

apr 2

trying to get clear information out of any gummint agency is like pulling teeth. it is their job to make everything as confusing, unclear, frustrating as possible. yes, that obfuscation is very intentional.

so it is OBVIOUSLY damaging to one’s mental health to be at a job for 40-50 hours a week that is a living hell, stressful and negative and terrifying. go in there and everyone thinks you are stupid and weird and treats you accordingly, etc. but this is What Jobs Are, you’re the one with the problem, not them, so how do you solve it.

Well, tell yourself the reason you’re doing it: for the money. and to Not be a lazy loser, but a productive member of society. that should be enough. Heck it IS enough. All set, problem solved.

I really can’t get off this Benzo kick, where you take Benzos 3 out of 5 workdays. not the best long term solution, but it IS a solution for the short term, and any solution is better than no solution.

if your employer regularly tests specifically for drugs like benzos, that could be another problem, but I would say they are mainly looking for weed and illegal stuff.

there are actually nonbenzo anxiety drugs. i actually tried them once when I was real desperate. didn’t seem to do anything though. but now I am even more desperate. well, i will be when I start the job again.

All jobs suck in some way. it is up to You to find some way to DEAL with that suckiness.

And Never Forget: it is INFINITELY better to be a lazy, underachieving employee, than a lazy, underachieving unemployed layabout loser.

what if you took benzos to take away the work related stress, and then Stimulants SImultaneously so you could focus on the Fast Thinking needed to do your job.

no your child is not autistic, he’s just antisocial because you’re a horrible parent. if he were autistic, he would be really good at something, instead of being an antisocial loser little 4sshole.

i would like to do a study on all these new cases of autism, I bet there’s a lot of horrible single momz as their main parent. then the child becomes uncontrollable, and the single momz just CLAIM they’re autistic.

heh. can you tell I don’t like single momz?

its tuff really. because i am generally against abortion. and i think instead of mating with betas that the single momz dump, they mate with sexy alphas who dump THEM and are deadbeats to the children. and this is all a working class thing. the middle class sluts would just get abortions and then continue to do their high powered careerz, obviously, and then have one child after getting married near the age of 30, to a successful middle class man who is starting to show beta provider tendencies, but is alpha enough to have established a successful middle class career, which is still much more alpha than average!

also I think one benefit of abortion is that a sig number of abortions “weed out” children that almost certainly would have grown up to be Future Felons, or at BEST, lazy loser parasites who are bringing down society. but exactly what percentage of abortions would lead to these failures? and how large of a percentage can justify Me Giving The Thumbs Up to the Legality of Abortion in General? and aren’t I a Lazy Loser Parasite Drain On Society, Taking Much more than I give?

so those are the things i think about sometimes.

apr 3

so i had a few great hands very close together and was 6 chips up (16 chip stack) within 15 minutes. some experts say you’re not supposed to get out now, so you can more accurately establish your Hourly Win Rate; however I said F00K THAT, I want to KEEP my 6 chips!!!! which would certainly be eaten away by blinds and or bad beats.

so i left the table.

so, language and speaking and social skills are like magic that you can use to get people to do what you want, or at least to Soften The Blow when people are attacking you On The Job. You don’t even need to THINK. You just say the words “I’m SO Sorry, It will never happen again, I understand the impact this has, I apologize, I’m so sorry, It’ll never happen again,” bla bla bla, and go about your business, and go to your happy place of thinking about smoking w33d and banging 18 yos. and perhaps being a religious, morally superior man. which is not necessarily mutually exclusive with smoking w33d (in moderation) and banging 18 yo gurls (in moderation.)

was getting a teeth cleaning which i believe all of dentistry is a ripoff, but dental hygenist is a pretty good field to get into imho, although in my middle class snob phase i would look down on it as too prole, now i view it as too much work, hehehe. plus i have never seen a male hygenist. then i thought they probably have them in muslim countries. but do muslims go to the dentist? because getting your teeth cleaned regularly IS a middle class luxury. that is why proles have bad teeth.

anyway, I was thinking I have always been a SLACKER, ever since high school. yep. it started in high school. easily. it wasn’t so bad in grade school. but in high school, as I was put on the Intelligent High Achiever Track, i resented it, I didn’t want to do all the work that the Smart Track implied, like oh they have more homework and it’s harder too, all they do is study and be virgins.

so i found ways to slack there where i could, cut corners, not take as many AP classes as the highest achievers, and for that THEY called me a slacker, and I thought, ha those virgin faggots, and I would smoke weed and drink in HIGH SCHOOL, BAD IDEA, even worse than being a slacker, and now those faggot virgins have got great jobs, are solid middle class, married to attractive women. good for them. you reap what you sow.

NICE for the first time I found a .01/.02 blind table. SUPER micro stakes. before I always been playing .05/.10. NICE.

 

GET RID OF HIGH SCHOOL AND REPLACE IT WITH COLLEGE

tues june 25 2013

* not everybody is equally prepared for college.

http://chanarchive.org/4chan/adv/53553

College Advice Thread from /adv summer 2012. I was hoping for more “don’t go to college” posts, but alot of the stuff they say is good. like make a lot of friends, network with a lot of people, MEET with a LOT of PROFESSORS regularly, meet with advisers and counselors regularly, do internships, stand out from the competition, dress nice, don’t be a freak weirdo creep spaghetti pockets neet dork autist, bang 10 prime of youth girls in one semester, you will never get over the regret of not being with Cute Young College girls because you will never get that chance again, etc, don’t do drugs, do internships, get into the highest prestige college you can, etc.

However this is a lot of pressure and stress and some students handle it better than others! If you’re not handling it very well, then go on Hiatus at the end of the semester and come back when you are well prepared. But if you’re Floundering in your Second Year…..uh then go on HIATUS after the First Semester of your Second Year and don’t come back till you’re ready. And that could take like 5 years! No Problem!

wed june 26 2013

* anger anger anger, hatred hatred hatred. hate skool, hate careers, can’t do anything productive on each cuz so much hate. much more productive to just sit there and watch arrested development. this is a 6000 dollar suit, COME ON!! Thought about the “CompSci” classes I took, and how I learned nothing useful. most useful thing was the Bare Bones Basics of C++, Hello World programs hahaha. No we went deeper than Hello World in C++ part 2. functions and stuff. See I forgot it all. Heh. no we did POINTERS and POLYMORPHISM and MULTIPLE INHERITANCE but I’ve FORGOTTEN all that in over a year.  I just wish it had been taught better than here’s the homework now figure it out. Yeah Trial and Error is fine and dandy but I also like having a Problem Solving Approach. Algorithms and such. AAAANNNNNDDDD this is where you go to office hours with the instructor or talk to the instructor after class. I was always TERRIBLE at this.

* There was one example where I was NOT terrible at it. At first. My Final Year of College 1, I had come back after A Hiatus, bound and determined to right all my wrongs, to be a Good Student Now. Kinda like How I say on this Blog! And I kinda Did that! I actually did a Surprisingly good job with that, Networking with one professor hardcore, and making a Contact with the Grad Students of another professor. Got All A’s when before I would get C’s because all I did then was smoke w33d all day. So I quit smoking w33d and started drinking more, hahaha.

* but then after I graduated, instead of using these contacts to Catapult me to the Next Bigger Thing, I slacked off and Drank More! Got too involved with Young College Girl Drama, enraged and jealous, drinking and underperforming, and ultimately moved down instead of Up. All because of GIRLS, FEELS/ANGER, and DRINKING.

* But yeah I am still amazed that I performed as well as I did before I started slipping.

* Also I would say don’t be in a hurry to graduate. I think about, well, what if instead of applying for graduation, I took another year and did a Useful Minor like Math or Chemical Engineering or Computer Science or even just f00king Accounting or even Econ. Or switched my major entirely. (had a Useless Major.)

* but that’s just my story. Now I am very angrily “trying” to do a CompSci degree. but very slowly because I hate school and college and talking to professors and especially talking to counselors.

* maybe counselors ARE useless, maybe they’re not. I was ALWAYS afraid to talk to college counselors. STILL AM. And then my excuse is, they’re useless. or other people say they’re useless. Well, even if they ARE useless, you shouldn’t be AFRAID to talk to them, that was really the underlying problem for me. F00k they’re getting paid GREAT MONEY, it’s their JOB to talk to you. MAKE THEM DO THEIR F00KING JOB.

* the local u recommends you take 16 credits every term and then you can get a CompSci degree in 4 years. F00k that I say, take 8 credits a term and Graduate in 8 years. Take FOUR credits a term and graduate in SIXTEEN years. Better than having College Debt TWENTY years after you graduate!

THAT is how much I hate College. I would rather take SIXTEEN YEARS to graduate. Because even 8 credits of Hard Classes is too much for me.

* So your Fam is disappointed that you’re taking Sixteen Years to Graduate College. Ask them WHERE’S YOUR STEM DEGREE? WHAT DID YOU GET IN CALCULUS 3? OH WHATS THAT YOU DON’T HAVE A STEM DEGREE? THEN YOU DIDN’T DESERVE TO GET THIS FAR IN LIFE, TO HAVE A FAMILY!

* Ok anger. yuo shouldn’t say such disrespectful things to your family, however your family should know better about how to raise children in 2013 and not just say “GO TO COLLEGE HURRR DURRRR.”

* Am I encouraging HELICOPTER Parenting? Maybe. Not in the sense that you BAIL your children out of all their mistakes, but that you keep a sturdy WHIP HAND over them, and say, DO THIS or you won’t get money. Where’s your internships and research experience. Be the Fire Under Their Ass. Also, DON’T LET YOUR CHILDREN BECOME DEBT SLAVES like you have become! I’m not telling you to PAY for your Kidz College! I am telling you to use your Parental Authority to Keep Your Kids from taking out 100k in LOANS to do A Useless Degree and underperform at it! (one of my preferred terms is HIGH INVESTMENT PARENTING!)

* but “Kids” over 18 are no longer subject to parental authority right? technically right. But you should try to exercise it ANYWAY. IDEALLY College would start at age 14. just GET RID OF HIGH SCHOOL, if high school is so useless, then just get rid of high school and REPLACE IT WITH COLLEGE, which is marginally less useless.