oct 8

so the left and hillary and cuckolds are so disgusted by what trump said about “WOMEN”, as if he is endorsing Raep, telling men to go out and grab and force themselves on women, msnbc literally called him a “SEX CRIMINAL”, wen the point is, there are women, many women in the world for which this talk is accurate. sluts that give it up easy and allow themselves to be treated like meat, and on some level they enjoy it. short term gurls. sluts. not the type of gurls you bring home, not the type of gurls you invest in or marry or make the mother of your children. funtime gurls. these are the type of women trump is talking about, not ALL WOMEN. there are basically TWO types of women, hahahaha. the madonna and the whore hahahahahahaha.

well this is WRONG, we have to accept that all women have BOTH the madonna and the whore combined. that the same woman who likes being Grabbed By The Pvssy by Rich Powerful Men (or pushy negroes) is the SAME woman you need to have your children.

come on. do you REALLY think trump raised his DAUGHTER to be one of THOSE gurls??? does he want his daughters to be grabbed by the pvssy? no! he didnt raise those kind of daughters. and look at his children, all his damn children, they are wholesome as fook, well except his daughter married a joo. that might be a little better than being a disgraceful whore though. i mean she can always divorce the joo, or renounce jooishness. you cant renounce 40 cox you took in your whore past.

best song ever hahahahaha.

it hit me in feb 2015 during a very low and stressful point. my confidence was about as low as it is now, but my stress level was much higher as i was working terrible job. confidence was low because essentially muh rel with the woman Had Ended. She was DONE but i didnt realize it yet, i kept trying to hang out with her. talk to her. not realizing how DONE she was. not wanting her to be done. obviously. so at the end of long horrible days i would get blazed and listen to THIS SONG repeatedly and it actually calmed me down.  it was a truly positive memory. smokin spliffs and listening to this song. i remember that ritual fondly, even as it occurred in the middle of a pretty bad time.

i guess that is how much i enjoy degen negro MJ hahaha.

now i am glad to be rid of all that damn stress, but my confidence is just as low, or lower, because it sucks to be thrown away like that, and it takes a long time to bounce back, and, just as important, is it REALLY wrecks the confidence to be a jobless bum loser who cant get a job and cant keep a job and is thrown away by a woman he loves who makes more money than him and now hes struggling like hell to get a damn job that makes way less than she does.  in the long run the long term joblessness is probably affecting muh confidence MORE than the shit with HER.

cuz it means i can be a basic normie and work like everyone else. everyone gets dumped and heartbroken….but everyone else also carries on and works like a normie.

its a sad thing when a woman crosses over from being a good woman to a bad woman. the two types of women. to see a woman Spoil like that, its very sad, right up there with Losing A Child, losing a family member, being abandoned, losing your Livelihood.

fasting today because i somehow overate two days this week. damn. cut muh weigh ins to once a week, saturday afternoon, and today saw that i was EXACTLY THE SAME as last week. damn. prob cuz i had two cheat days in one week. and lemme tell ya folks, the cheat days dont feel like cheat days. its a damn struggle just to meet the goal.

stupid nyquil. i mean you just feel tired and low energy and kinda despairing and negative the next day, thats what i really dont like about it. wish i could just do MJ instead!

this was another big album for me when i was 17 or so, and by far MDB’s greatest album. the one two punch of “the crown of sympathy” and “turn loose the swans” near the END of the damn album is just brilliant and awesome. MDB would never even come close, which is kinda sad. 23 minutes of spine tingling musical perfection hehehehe and they  have been around longer than 23 YEARS hehehehe. more like 30 years. scary.

mixtape 2016 hahahaha

good thing i dont have a bitch to share this magical music with and take away my ability to enjoy it hehehehehahahaha.

ok “the cry of mankind” on their next album “the angel and the dark river” does come kinda close.

and then thats it folks, thats all the my dying bride you really need, sad to say.

good fathers dont raise gurls to become the TYPE of woman you just grab by the pvssy.

no NOT every woman has a little bit of this in her. but too many women do because they have been poisoned by our sick, degenerate, JOOISH culture which has been rammed down our throats since the SIXTIES.


transilvanian hunger at .5 speed on youtube hahahahahaha. now they do pitch shift it so that sounds pretty weird.

dont marry some slut that likes it when men grab her by the pvssy like a slut.

there are two kinds of women in the world. those that would make good wives and mothers, and those that dont. which kind do you think trump was talking about. what kind of woman do you want to marry. what kind of woman do you want to raise your daughter to be. 

i cant put it any more plainly than that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i dont use question marks because these really arent questions.

funny. i remember a time BEFORE  i was in luv with her, and i thought clearly: you know, we get along great, and shes a great person, i really SHOULD be interested in her, but Im NOT. she would make a great wife and mother. maybe I should just FORCE myself to try to date her and see what happens. or make a PACT that if shes not married by 30, we can get married and have children, i mean I could do a LOT LOT LOTTTTTTTTTT worse, so WHAT if i dont feel a SPARK and im not in LUV with her.

and maybe I did “force” myself a little bit…….but when i did, it started an AVALANCHE, and the REAL TRUE LUV this avalanche unleashed was REAL AF and has taken 15 months to get over.

lesson: when i was being COMPLETELY LOGICAL about it, I logically saw that she was a good Mate for me and good wife and mother material. But I whined that I didnt have Special feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelings for her. So I tried to FORCE myself to have special feeeeeeelings for her…………..AND IT WORKED “BETTER” THAN I EVER EXPECTED.

what exactly did i do that was so effective? i dont even know. I just THOUGHT about it. really thought about what it would be like to make out with or fook her, rather than just say ew weird and STOP thinking about it. thinking about what it would be like to cuddle with her, which certainly was never as “weird.” thinking about some other guy fooking her helped a lot too hahahahahahaha. if he could, why couldnt i, hahahahahaha.

honestly this si not so complicated. when she was with her long term BF, i respected their relship and there was NO QUESTION to me that she was OFF LIMITS. when THAT ended, she was no longer off limits. and her getting into a short term, degenerate dating did nothing to change that. I will respect a 5 year rel, i wont respect a few months of “dating.” besides, that ended TOO.

trump wasnt talking about WOMEN you dumb cvnts, he was talking about SOME women, a certain KIND of woman, the kind you DONT want to marry or have kids with. the kind you have Netflix Chill Tinder FUN with.

all these women getting mad are the SAME women who have been Grabbed By The Pvssy by Strong Men……and they ENJOYED it. although they might have felt shame and regret later when the strong man dumped them.

marry women and raise daughters who DONT enjoy being grabbed by the pvssy. marry wives and raise women that would kick that man in the Ballz and then who would tell her husband or father, who would then knock that guy out with a solid punch to the face. the end.

or i guess the woman could do that too, or taze or pepper spray the guy.

like james bond says, i am a gentleman, but i’m not always a gentle man.

not sure if that was james bond. but it could have been.

now james bond was a degen who grabbed more than few women right in the pvssy, including nonwhite women. they guy was a damn near sex addict muh dick negro!

anyway did pretty much a 24 hour fast, then ate a huge dinner that i wanted to make special, got a order of Curry Noodle from thai place for the first time in at least 9 months. it was great. i ate the whole thing hahahahaha so that was probably more than my daily limit of 1200 calories, hahahaha.

well i measured it out and it was like 4 cups worth of rice noodles, ridic curry sauce, and chicken. turns out rice noodles do not have as many calories as i expected. less than 200 per cup.

i suppose there could be coconut milk in that curry sauce, and that stuff is pretty caloried.

if trump needs vouching for this women remark, and he SHOULDNT, i think his daughters could do a pretty good job of that.  i mean all his children are huge winners and they all really need to be playing an even larger role. and i think they would all vouch he was a good father.

i dont even know why im thinking about it. well all these republicucks saying they are gonna write in pence instead of vote trump. never thought of throwing your vote away on a write in candidate. but is that a REAL risk with regular voters? i just dont know.

i mean at the very least we need to split the country into 2 countries, right and left, and then maybe the right country could further break up into Ethnostates, and the left side would become a big brown muddy shithole like venezuela or something. all the white leftists and mudsharks who wanted diversity and nonwhite dick would be welcome to go there.

oct 9

maybe we are reaching a time of such peak degeneracy that men simply dont CARE anymore that their GF has been with 30 guys. like yeah shes a slut and been with 30 guys but im a manwhore and ive been with 50 gurls, were all sluts nao, who cares, its just animals fooking, if it does work out big deal, ill find another slut, i mean long term rels are stupid and doomed anyway, ill just keep fooking sluts till i die, and its not like ill ever fall in luv, all these sluts are basically the same, you get bored of them after a few months tops. why would i want to get MARRIED to one of these sluts. and have children? thats too much responsibility, then i cant bang sluts, get drunk, plus it costs too much money, i dont have that kind of money.

yeah this plaguewielder album is better than i remember it! indeed does have a great ride cymbal sound! and yeah i like it when darkthrone tries to sound at least somewhat like a BLACK metal band, whereas lately they are more about being a “pan-old-skool-heavy-metal band” which is theoretically ok…….but i just want more BLACK metal in there: more black metal vocals from culto, more “blasting” (ie not super fast, TH style “blasts) from fenriz, and the more typical “black metal” riffs to go along with that.

i dunno the riffs sound familiar because i heard them 14 years ago or so……but now they sound better. really kinda weird.

on transilvanian hunger he does that same beat for the first 24 minutes of the 40 minute album hahahahaha.

its weird that reddit is so permissive for men to watch porn, like yeah its normal for all men even married men to watch pron reguarly. no big deal.

heh. apparently some people use the phrase “hooking up” and they DONT mean Secs. They just mean “MAKING OUT.” well just SAY Making out becuase i automatically assume its Secs. youre painting a negative picture of yourself. so when somewhat says hooking up, ask them what that means.

also what about women who Blow guys but dont Fook them? thats almost as bad in my book. do you want a gurl who has Sucked Off 40 guys? also, if a gurl will blow you, shell fook you. i mean a damn dirty dick in your mouth, thats a pretty whorish thing to do. good gurls dont suck dick before fooking the guy, and they dont fook the guy until they have established a monogamous official rel.

so a woman that jumps to suck your dick the same day as meeting you, holy shit. really signalling what type of woman she is then. thank her for it hahahaha.

i mean its really hard, and probably IMPOSSIBLE, to simply LIKE a woman like that.

so its heartbreaking when a woman you LIKE turns out to BE like that, and i really wish she werent. but she is.

and also you have 10 times the difficulty getting and keeping a job, and everybody makes more money than you, including women, and you cant deal with life at age 30 hahahaha.

even the 40 year old virgin was not a neet. there should be a movie called the 40 year old neet. maybe he would be a virgin too. or better, he had secs with one woman once when he was 20, and that was it.

ok trying to start a table of poker to get my mind off and its sunday and i dont want to job search hehehe.

ideally i would like to do MJ but….i gotta find a better way to Self Soothe.

and yes MJ is degen…..but so is sitting around in neet despair!!!!!!!!!!!!

and mj alleviates the neet despair and ALSO makes it easier to survive nonneet working life.

shit makes it easier to survive neet life too!

i mean really. during my darkest times, smokin MJ was literally a light in the darkness. a ray of sunshine. i still remember those times fondly, even though they were surrounded by even darker times. i get a ridiculous amount of fun and enjoyment and happiness from MJ that I just cant get elsewhere in Life, except by being with a Beloved Waifu. and I just dont see there ever BEING one of those again. ipso fatso, better get back on the weed train.

i mean i was

i could just get a job in a restaurant because everyone who works in a restaurant smokes MJ!!!!!!


how about this. give the sleazy waitress at this semi sleazy bar “restaurant” i go to a big tip and ask her where i can get some MJ. i guarantee she smokes MJ and probably does other stuff. supposedly the rule is front of house does coke and alcohol, back of house does MJ.

holy shit lisa link this is life doing an hour on The Pickup Artist Community

now she is talking to a 45 year old virgin who feels there is something deeply wrong with him and he just wants a normal loving relship and to be normal and confident and have a GF and eventually a wife and not be a damn weak weirdo virgin.

the show gets at the idea that this is not about secs, its about something deeper:

Pick Up is not about secs, its about finding a damn WIFE or a GF, from guys who are so unconfident and social failures than they cant even get SLUTS to have Secs with them. And its clear they dont really care about the secs as much as just having a damn long term rel with a woman. But They Can’t, because they cant even talk to a woman, they cant even date the EASIEST woman.

Its misleading that the pick up leaders talk about sluts and secs so much, but the lame weak virgin omegas who are the Customers, they want smething much less DEGENERATE: they just want an actual REL with a woman, they dont CARE about secs with sluts.

but apparently you need to practice your social skill on sluts before you can have good enough social skills to get a nonslut???!?!?!

i dont know, i’m close to the level of these pathetic customers myself! the only difference is that i DID have secs with an easy slut, i apparently had the social skills at age 21 to do that.

but never again! and really that was just a combination of me looking healthy and young, and being DRUNK!!!!

now i look about 20 years older and i dont drink any more.

interesting to see this is still around in 2016, but i guess im not suprised, there will always be desperate unconfident me.

telling that they have the men do confidence-building exercises, like walking on coals shouting “i like myself! i like myself!” hahahahahahahahahahaha. this truly does strike the root of the whole thing, that these men totally lack confidence, and thats the ROOT CAUSE of WHY they cant get women.

once i learned that simple lesson, i lost interest in pick up and got to the real deep political and racial and moral shit hehehehe.

but i STILL have no confidence and STILL cant pull women and would STILL benefit from pick up artist techniques!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

which is simply be masculine and be confident and you will get women. these arent really “techniques.” its a very natural way of being that its unnatural to not have those natural habits!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

who CARES if its “canned” if the women are responding to it and fooking the guys? the women dont really CARE!!!!! why should YOU?????

and women cant understand this because NO woman has EVER been THIS desperate and lonely. they can’t believe that another human being can get this bad. but men can! it so clearly points out the simple profound truth: WOMEN ARE THE SUPPLY, MEN ARE THE DEMAND, and woman just cannot accept that! well because it shows women in a position of strength and power and privilege, rather than a helpless victim.


one guy is handsome but a sweet niceguy virgin.

one guy was married but the divorce crushed all his confidence.

but all these men are lonely and want a real rel with a woman. theyre not antisex either, but they cant even get sex, cuz they are not confident or aggressive enough.

the pua vince something has some good lessons but he dresses in a ridiculous peacock style that undermines his credibility. why not just dress like a Rich Preppy. Brooks Brothers or something. none of this pink mohawk peacock shit.

also you will probably pull better wife tier women with the preppy A E S T H E T I C  anyway.

so yeah thats great advice for all neet virgins out there: dress like total Chad The Superrich Preppy. Look like a white man in a brooks brothers catalog.

so just build confidence in the men.



you can get some confidence WITHOUT women by being succesful in your JOB/CAREER (i and most neets are a total failure at this).

really the ONLY other option you can build confidence is by LIFTING.

these men are here because they are 29 years old and never had a GF and they are like holy shit this cant go on.

and sometimes much older than 29!!!!!!!

like we say, its not too weird if a guy is 21 and a virgin, even 23, maybe 25 at the latest. but after 25 it DOES start getting weird.

thankfully i stopped being a V at age 21, but I was more than weird enough, because i never really dated a woman by age 25, 30, etc. thats just as weird.

the show points out rightfully that men are becoming less masculine, more shy, etc.

this is very true, but WOMEN are also becoming more disgusting and degenerate and responding only to negro strongmen type masculinity. toxic masculinity hahahahahahahahahahaha.

women who have been with 40 guys and who have spent 10 years in relships just cant even relate to guys who have only been with 0-1 gurls and spent 0 months in relships. and vice versa.

of course i dont think these guys should be going to clubs either because these are full of nothing but degenerate gurls. i guess 1% of these gurls might be good women dragged along by their degen slut friends. well, with friends like that, it was inevitable theyd become sluts anyway.

besides banging 25 year old sluts would be good for their confidence, better than banging 35 year old sluts.

but yeah  i will give the tv show a littl crrrredit for realizing that its all about CONFIDENCE. because it really is.

i mean shit i wish i could buy confidence because its the most valuable thing a man can have.

well you can buy nice clothes and that does help.

well at least those guys, even the 45 year old virgin, had decent jobs. and a decent job didnt give them enough confidence to pull dirty negro fookin cvm bucket skanks!!!!!!!!!!! a good job didnt give them enough confidence to pull the cheapest, easiest, worst women!

also i think there is something to the “wolf pack” concept where average “beta” men can boost their confidence and “social capital” by going out in groups and giving them strength in numbers, that they might be able to Pull Easier than if they were completely alone.

so omega white men need to form GANGS instead of playing vidya in their basements hahahahaha.

just get some MJ and then invite Stoner Sluts to smoke MJ and then blow and then bang you. easy hahahahaha.

another great idea i had is that to find the more quality women on dating sites, you have to PAY for it. of course your competition i guess would get fiercer then, cuz its guys serious enough to PAY. also….if the women dont pay, wouldnt it be the same mudshark sluts you find on tinder or okcupid? but women shouldnt have to pay to be on a dating site! women are the supply, men are the demand!

well really women shouldnt be on ANY dating sites EVER for that very reason!!!!!!

so yeah i dont think i can really reach a conclusion here. either you will look better because the women wont be as bombarded with low quality men, so you’ll look better……..

or there will be a higher percentage of high quality men and you will look WORSE!!!!

so if you want to look better BY COMPARISON, then its best to go to free dating where there is a TON of shit so you can look good next to them! and the quality of women on ANY site, regardless of whether the MEN pay, is gonna be about the same!

so the REAL question is, are the WOMEN willing to pay to have access to the Higher Quality Men? and then you will pay to get into THAT pool.

because the goal is a high quality woman, not a low quality woman.

find a place that is is both a bar and a restaurant. then wait outside for the druggie degen workers to come outside for cig break. then ask them if they know where to get any MJ. give them 10 or 20 dollars for the info.

make sure the place is kind of sleazy and has some clientele who come there to get WASTED on cheap drinks. working class white people getting HAMMERED on 2 dollar big beers. and then they can order some burgers and fries to soak up all that beer and get food in the stomach to soak up MOAR BEER. then they stagger out, smoke some MJ, and fall right on their face and pass out and go to their Manual Labor Working Class Job the next day. that kind of place hahahahaha.

avoiding messages from their fat mudshark GF who eventually dumps them for a black guy, until they find another fat white trash mudshark, rinse and repeat hahahahaha.

what a life!

heh. i bet it DOES ruin a rel when the woman starts making more money than the man. never had that happen to me cuz i was never in a rel hahahaha but all the women i liked eventually went on to make more than me, and now, EVERYBODY makes more than me, and if i get a 12 dollar an hour job, most people will STILL make more than me, including women.

now im not talking about a situation where the woman has a medical degree and the man has a GED. then of COURSE she is gonna make more money than him. I ‘m talking about they ahve about the same level of education or the woman has LESS, and at the time they start their rel, they are making about the same, but over time, she just manages to fare better in her working life and get better paying jobs than her slightly-more-educated man.

like what happened with me and her hahahahahahahahaha.

sometimes i feel like my i dont want to say “hateful” but just disrespectful, contemptuous, chilly, cold attitude towards women, well if i feel this cold towards women, then what the hell does it matter if i look at porn? women are all dirty whores anyway!!!!!!!! i might as well use it to help me Jerk Off because I sure can’t think of anything real life to jerk off to!

so this is a slippery slope. WHAT DOES IT MATTER, WOMEN ARE ALL WHORES ANYWAY, and porn is a realistic representation of that!

well, WRONG, because even though normie women are huge whores, they are only HALF as bad as the whores in porno.

and its just harmful to the soul to watch porn and puts you in a degen mindset that is not good.

shit its better to just hate women and think all women are whores, than to WATCH whores being whores. i think i would just hate women even MORE and thats not good.

darkthrone. tried listening to “arctic thunder” again today. came out thinking welp the first song “tundra leech” is obviously the best, and i would be better served taking this reawakened interest in darkthrone and apply it to “mid era” albums: total death thru sardonic wrath. particularly, ravishing grimness thru hate them. 1999 to 2003, hahahaha. back when culto still tried to sound like a black metal singer and they still wanted to sound like a black metal band rather than a Heavy Metal band.

AND ITS NOT LIKE THEY DIDNT USE FOOKLOADS OF CELTIC FROST STYLE RIFFS THIS WHOLE TIME ANYWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! they never ever really got away from that except on fookin “transilvanian hunger!”

so just have those celtic frost riffs with sick black metal vocals, and the occasional “second wave black metal” (ie transilvanian hunger) riff!!!! and that pretty much sums up the albums of this 99 – 03 period!!!! or even on panzerfaust, the two styles are separated out into separate songs. not sure they have to be THAT autistic, but im also not complaining about one of muh all time favorite albums!

and yeah it is disappointing when one of your all time fav bands stops being so damn good!

REALLY transilvanian hunger is NOT a good representation of darkthrones style. overall. and i wish it were!

also, why couldnt ALL the songs on their new album be as good as that first one?

and why couldnt culto occasionally do an old style vocal once in a while? not that what he does on the album is BAD…..but his older style was BETTER.

i dunno. i just dunno. i am waiting to read more reviews of this new album, but i think people are holding back until the official release date.

listening to other sorta recent albums culto has done with sarke and “gift of gods” and again he is doing this kind of groaning vocal and not his vicious Black Metal vocal. unfortunate!. sheeeeeeeeeeeeeit.




aug 5

well cant stop writing. when i get back on facebook i will pick up my “blog” there for my real life friends, but…. gonna be a few months before i can do that.

only thing i can compare this pain and loss to is somebody DYING. and in a way, someone has. True Love Has Died. The person has Died to you, as someone you can or should Love. you have to let them go as a Love Person (i think the term “love object” has negative connotations.)

when we used to be just mutual platonic friends, that was valuable and comforting to me to know that i could even HAVE a female friend. i suppose in a way it was A Stepping Stone towards True Intimacy. but she would confide in me and tell me her fears and secrets. i suppose i should have reciprocated a bit more. but at that time, i was worried that she might be developing feelings for me, which I feared, because I didn’t have feelings for her. oh how the tables would turn!

but even if she DID have feeligns for me, and i didn’t reciprocate, I was still 9000000000000000 times more humane and warm and open to communicate with her, than she was, when i had feelings for her that she didn’t want!

so what did i learn. blurt it out early, as soon as it starts becoming a problem. it probably started becoming a problem after 3 to 4 months, and i was writing all sorts of draft texts, and draft emails i would never sent, and was just building up with drafts of things i wanted to say to her, but “couldn’t”.

bullshit. just write them in an email and send it at 4 months, get it out of your fookin system, and maybe you can keep your job, not go crazy, not hit rock bottom, and end things with your woman in a merely moderately painful way rather than a completely devastating end of the world way. have the pain only be a 6 or 7 instead of an 11.  and that muh frands is WORTH IT.

also if you notice there are certain topics you dance around with your female friend, stop fooking dancing around them. if you think she has a secret boifran and you’re wondering why she’s not telling you, ask her straight fooking UP do you have a boifran, whats going on there. oh things arent going well? well i would treat you much better JUST SAYIN. think about it. you could do a lot worse.

got love to burn, gotta take a chance, gotta let your guard down, gotta take a chance……ON LUV.

duh fook yeah thats a neil song.

anyway i took a chance, i went all in, and oh well i lost it all. i dont think you can do anything less when its true luv.

so maybe it wasn’t, and i wanted to prove to myself it was true luv, when it was just passing infatuation?

but i saw the luv as building on, and growing from, the roots of the 2 year platonic friendship that preceded it.

i was hoping for a call regarding my old loser job today, in response to the email i wrote the manager yesterday, but nothing. i didn’t want to BEG, however it would be good to get that job back because it was EASY, it’s SOME money, and it would fix this RESUME GAP, and make it easier to find proper gainful employment in the future.

well i stalked the young man who impressed me with his political talk the othe rnight. learned he is 26 years old, and when he was a mere 19 he ran for damn county commissioner (Repub). and did his degree in finance and is listed under “investment management” on linkedin hehehe. uhhhh thats not a bad job. of course you have to go to a TOP SKOOL to work on WALL STREET and he clearly doesnt work on WALL STREET. i am not sure where exactly he works. he might not even work hahahaha just a bum like me. but he is much more motivated and energetic and clear headed and he can really communicate well. and i bet HE would have no problem getting women interested in him. he is tall, skinny, and fairly handsome. my female former friend would have gotten with HIM im sure hahahaha.

so yeah he would CUCK the shit out of me and be the total alpha to my total omega hahahaha.

but he is a good guy.

but it does take a special kind to want to run for county commissioner at age 19. when i was 19 i didnt even know what a county commissioner WAS. That didnt come until i was 23 or 24 hahaha and i certainly had no desire to RUN. I am thinking he probably comes from a very politically involved family. possibly his father guided him down this road, possibly his father is involved in the Community, be it a business owner, or attorney, or elected official, commissioner, some sort of pillar of the community type. and perhaps the son picked this up at a nice young age.

anyway he’s a good guy and i could learn something from him and need to get a good newspaper or website recommendation from him. i mean national review is pure zionist cuckery right? total big tent sell out bullshit eh?

anyway he is a good enough communicator to get some pvssy.

its not that i am a BAD COMMUNICATOR. I can actually be a pretty GOOD communicator. like when i was talking on the phone all day.  and i think i was a good communicator at least 65% of the time with my female friend.  ex friend. there were just a few important topics i danced around. so uhhhhh looks like that 35% of stuff took up 99% of the importance eh? damn.

see when you are in a funk, everything you say can and will be used against you! you can literally do, say, or think NO GOOD!

so i am tacking on more jogging, doing about 42% of it jogging now. perhaps even 47%. again i do not want to go over 50%, i think 40% is ideal. but i have been alternating between doing that, and writing. trying not to write myself deeper into the funk, but write myself UP FROM it a little bit. writing alone will not save me of course, and certainly exercising will be disproportionately important i think. more important than writing i think. so, more jogging, less writing.

anyway i guess it would help to have other female friends, just to prove to myself that i am not so fookin weird and repulsive to all women that i can indeed HAVE female friends.

so how much do you need to walk/jog per day to overcome these horrible dreadful thoughts and feelings? of which there are certainly a LOT?

well hell at least 5 miles a day! i am going for 5.6 today. ok going to do that. god damn. really the jogging is one of the best things i can do. its one of the ONLY things i can do.

heh it sucks about the job. if i didnt work with her, i could perhaps “throw myself into my work.” but i certainly could not do that when i was working WITH HER!!!!!!!! foooooooooooook!!!!!!!!!

i mean the job sucked anyway, i wanted to leave the god damn FIELD altogether. you either take phone calls on complicated weird confusing shit, all day, and have to be comfortable with the fact that you never really know what youre doing. i could NEVER get comfortable with that. i needed to have more control than that. rather than the sense of no control, no power, no competence. it bugged me. and it bugged me MORE when i would see and hear her, yet i couldnt even fookin TALK to her because she would ignore me completely. i do not know how people do this. and manage to still do their jobs. i could not do my fookin job for gods sake. could not cope with a little difficulty in life. when the going gets tough, the weak roll over and die hahahahaha.

ok jogging time. see you can tell when the writing starts to get bad. you can just tell. and so then you go out and do the 40% jog. unlike writing, this can NEVER go bad.


aug 4

shit son. i dont want/like to write about this heartbreak too much, because ANYTHING is better than thinking about it. well what did i LEARN. how did i GROW from this pain?

welp i learned that I can develop feelings late, after a long, several year delay;

2. learned i could develop feels for a female friend, and essential “convert” or “upgrade” someone who was just friends

3. blurt out the truth via phone call, text, or email before it reaches the breaking point (1o months?), IF the gurl is denying you every opportunity to meet with her privately in person and discuss it like adults

4. while you are still on speaking terms, notice the types of topics you avoid like the plague. probably it will involve yours or more likely hers luv life. you might be “good close friends” but she wont even tell you about the new boifran she is in luv with, for example.

welp i guess it can go the other way too, where you can be the crying shoulder and hear all about that. thankfully i did not get that. if that DID happen, i would have said IMMEDIATELY: baby, dump the zero and get with your hero: ME.

that would have been a VERY GOOD SEGUEWAY (blart hahahaha) into the exact conversation I was PUSHING to have for MONTHS, namely, to talk about muh feels. I’d be like, baby, i dont like you dating this guy, becuase I have feelings for you and want you to date me.

MY problem was, she wouldn’t even meet up or hang out with me to HAVE those types of converstaions.

if you are HANGING OUT with your female friend and she is opening sharing with you about these dirtbag guys….. well honestly i’ll never understand those situations. I might give awkward, horrible signals of interest, but i still give signals. in fact, she was probably reading those signals from me, and was essentially getting the message i was trying to send, and responded “no thank you” by backing away. because suddenly i wanted to hang out more, wanted to talk more, was texting more, was being more like o yr so special to me. i mean i was giving HINTS and acting DIFFERENTLY to reflect the change i had undergone. i am sure she picked up on SOMETHING. nonetheless i always prefer a verbal conversation, because of the mixed messages, to avoid ambiguity and uncertainty and what ifs.

well i emailed my old manager expressing interest in my old job, after formally applying about 1 week ago and not hearing anything yet. kinda wanted to hear from them. so now i am sending the fookin email.

removed female former friend from linkedin, where i was her only connection. hahahaha well i’m sure she’ll make plenty more.

what just hurts is being cut loose like a filthy animal, not even treating me with the dignity of a human being. you’d think i broke HER heart!!!!!!!!!  now she might be mad at me for “LYING” to her, but i was giving signals the instant my feelings changed, AND I was constantly TRYING to talk to her about this new truth, but she was not giving me the opportunity to say it. all the more reason to blurt it out early.

a lot of these lessons have to do if you are working with the love interest. HOPEFULLY you are NOT. that IS truly a recipe for disaster.

But not necessarily if it is a dead end stepping stone part time job that you don’t mind quitting hahahaha.

but what if its a dead end stepping stone full time job? hahahahaha i guess if you can quit it go ahead, but you will be devastated like i am. i just kissed DECENT MONEY good bye, thats how DESPERATE I was.

but i have always been DESPERATE for female love and companionship. to find a gurlfran in other words. because i never had a real gurlfran, and the closest i ever got was getting physical with gurls, developing feelings quickly, and quickly getting dumped, like in 3 months. have never made it last more than 3 months. by that point the gurl was like nope this guy is too needy and he likes me too much, i just wanted to have some FUN, i wasnt looking for a long term boifran, and this beta male is obviously looking for someone he can date for over a year. nope. i already had that and am not in that stage right now, they would think hahahahaha.

so i repeated those kind of things, got old, and never dated a gurl for over 3 months, have not had secs with a gurl in about 10 years, have not even made out with a gurl in 9 years, and fell in luv a couple times with gurls i did not even secs or make out. pathetic!

aug 5

just want to take no more than 10 minutes here. shouldnt even be in the room, should be out and about; should not be writing; possibly getting 1% better but not sure; can go through the motions of life a little better, but that may have to do with not being at ridic job; really dont think i could go back there with her; would certainly increase my denial regarding i would always want her back, and then you get into the world of hate and obsession, and that is a really dangerous ugly scary creepy weird bad world!!!

maybe i wasnt showing correct empathy, i wasnt approaching her and communicating with her the way she wanted to be communicated with, given her own difficulties in life. so it’s all MY fault again? that maybe she would have communicated if I hadn’t communicated WRONG? god damn.

basically i wanted to communicate, but she didnt want to communicate at all. but was it because i was approaching her incorrectly? probably was a factor. but probably wouldnt have made her get feelings for me though.

so what do i do in the future, if i ever get feelings for a woman again, which i probably won’t, ahahahahahahaha.

is blurting it out really best practices for Empathic Communication?

however I was having a REAL hard time just Being Patient and Trusting that she would Discuss Things in like 6 months. I couldn’t wait 6 months or more.

maybe if we were not working together, not seeing each other every day, i probably could have Backed Off a lot easier. but that was a big issue here. the job ruined my one chance at Real Love hahahaha. well now the woman is gone and the job is gone forever, time to start life over.

too bad now my confidence level is so low i feel like i can’t do ANYTHING. even though i did my job semi competently for a full year, and did better than i thought i was doing, and did tons of ridiculous shit that should have build my confidence! but seeing the woman every day knocked the confidence back down again.  shit.

well i TRIED to have empathy. I TOLD her, I know its not a good time for you now. I know you dont want to hang out. I am willing to give you time and space, but I cant do that forever, because I am worried about losing you. I will leave you alone for a while but can we please communicate via other means so I know that things will be good again some time in the future.

if her issue was hanging out, and i wanted to hang out in person to talk about the Important Issues cause i felt In Person was best, vs the stories of peopel being Dumped Via Text or Facebook Message hahahaha. I just assumed big important talks were best had In Person.

well in person wasnt gonna happen because she needed time and space and distance and was not willing to meet in person even once in months, which i was and am a little butthurt by.

i guess i should have been better about addressing that specific disappointment in a non judgemental way hahahaha.

heh hehe this level of worry about Deep Communication is usually reserved for people who have been married for 10 years and are running into problems that they see a Shrink for, because they both are serious about saving the marriage, rather than at least one person (usually the woman hahahaha) just walking away and throwing it away.

so definitely a little anger from me. but i was being pushy and not as direct as i could have been, so i brought it all on myself, its all my fault. damn.

shit you see how writing about it doesnt really help. you drive yourself crazy. so time to go for a Powerjog I suppose. I go for the regular powerwalk but about 35% of the distance is now being powerjogged by me.


aug 1

ive prob linked this before, millennial woes, the need for intimacy, which also has great comments.

now i am a huge anti-feminist who has identified with both mra and mgtow, but i also strongly desire intimacy with a Female Companion, and I do not want to ever give up hope completely, or become bitter, or swear off women, or swear off the idea of an Intimate Relationship with a woman, like some vocal mgtows seem to do.

i desired intimacy with the recent woman, quite a bit, that i was/am heartbroken to get it rejected.

i guess the Good News is that my heart is not completely closed off to this, because i could still feel feelings.

But I also wanted to toughen up and not be so sensitive. I mean i didn’t even have secs with the gurl! didnt even make out with her! so how the hell did i fall in luv so EASILY and Quickly?

but theres the thing: it def was NOT easily or quickly! totally NOT! It took about 2 years of knowing them, to get to this point.

and i think it was this 2 years of platonic friendship that ultimately made the resulting luv so strong, even if there was nothing physical. it felt like strong intimacy because i felt i knew her and felt i was close to her, even i had not filmed myself fooking her in perverted ways hahahahaha. i simply felt very close to her because we had a pretty good friendship, got along well, seemed like a decent connection.

i guess its fair that she does not share my feelings, but i am upset that our so called close friendship did not enable any kind of friendly discussion about the matter.  it was all ignoring, avoiding, and abandonment.

so women haters say thats women, all women are like that, and white knight pussies like me say not all women are like that.

i know shes not a horrible woman, well not yet anyway. she might be on her way to horribleness now though hahaha. and she starts her journey towards being a horrible person, by being horrible to me hahahaha.

well we are not supposed to BLAME anybody, we just accept it and say it wasnt meant to be, it just didnt work out, its no ones fault.  i mean its not technically her fault that she doesnt feel the same way.

anyway i just want to not become a bitter woman hater because of all muh rejections from women. i want to still be able to fall in luv again, BUT i also want to become tougher and less sensitive.

BUT its not like i’m falling in love with every woman i meet. it only happens once every couple years. and its not like i rushed into this thing with the recent woman. it all happened quite naturally. nothing was forced or rushed. unfort when my feelings switched on, the timing was extremely bad for her. i guess the timing was great for me, and bad for her. and ever since then its as if she read my mind and began pulling away, which was very painful, and culminated in its horrible climax recently.

is it because so far in my life, i’ve only focused on “pre-wall” women? hehehehehe maybe. i mean for me, pre-wall is kinda a necessary condition for luv to develop. i have never developed feelings for an Old Woman. but who knows, maybe i will in the future.

anyway i dont want to become one of those broken man woman haters which they accuse some mgtows of being. even though i do agree with much of mgtow: that marriage is a bad deal for men, and that cultural marxism has produced a generation of women that are horrible at relationships and bad news for men. but not all women!!! hahahaha.

but yeah this heartbreak is particularly devastating and i dont want it to break me. also its connected to a job loss so thats rough too. i mean i could probably go back to this job in a few months, but……i dont think id be able to handle seeing the woman again. on the job. unless we happily got together lol.

basically it was a total worst case scenario of a PLZ RESPOND situation. desparation for a response, for communication. i went cray cray over the lack of response. this is like the most omega autistic thing you can ever do, to quit your job and have your heartbroken because of PLZ RESPOND.

i guess i believed that strongly that i was entitled to some kind of response because of our “history.” this wasnt somebody that i knew only for a couple months.

oh god i know i used the exact words please respond!!!!!!!! foooooook me. but i still argue that when you know someone for a couple years, that they should respond to you rather than throwing you away like garbage hahahaha.

i wasnt always this week. even a few months ago i was much stronger. yet still lazy as hell, still angry, super angry, super lazy, super helpless, and still perturbed about this woman situation. but things are 900000000 times worse now. like i say. total rock bottom here.

i was never really a huge please respond sort of beta to her until recently.

but i quickly came to embody all the the sick please respond desperation.

i keep mentioning please respond because i just became aware of it as a minor meme; and i used those exact words; and deeply identify with that desperation; and realize this is not something normal people do. this is something extremely fooked up losers do. people that are permanently broken and may never be able to recover. that is what i am worried about it. that you survive but dont really recover. never really bounce back. just survive as a shell of your former self, which was not too impressive to begin with, but at least you were holding down a 15DAHJ (Dollar An Hour Job) hahahhahaha. and coming close to doing the bare minimum of life. and might have had a shot at luv to boot.

and now you are at total plz respond broken man rock bottom; and wonder if you had had more experience when you were younger, would you have handled this better? she was in a rel for 4 years and knows what its like to be in a long term rel with plenty of ups and downs, secs, luv, nights cuddling together, years with a person. yet i do not know any of that except in my fantasies, and have never been able to stay with a woman longer than like 2 or 3 months, never anything long term, cuz always get dumped during the short term. and that was 10 years ago when i could actually get gurls to make out with me for 2 months. now cant even do that lol. cuz i am old bald and fat and cant hold down a job and cant get a decent job lol.

hehehehe dont think this is helping lol.

but yeah i am angry and hurt and broken because i did feel honestly entitled to some sort of talk rather than just complete and total abandonment and cutting all ties without a word, feel sort of hosed, feel like i’ve been screwed and treated unfairly. hey i mean even an email would have been better than nothing. hence the please respond. please give me something. and i thought i at least meant something to this person as a friend. i mean they honestly used to like me somewhat, and would not have treated me like this in the past, before the gradual freeze out started. it is never easy when someone is close to you then they pull away because they dont want to be close to you any more.

cuz you have a history of things being good, before they go bad. its not like they were NEVER good.

i mean if i ever dumped a gurl, which i prob never will hahahahaha, i would try to make it easy on them, and also appreciate their pain, the pain i was causing them, and then myself try to act in such a way to give me as good karma as possible, and hurt them as little as possible, and to Facilitate the Healing Process for them. I would say i’m sorry 90000 times, and let them talk to me, and vent to me, and I would respond as honestly as i could, and even pay a dumping fee hahahahaha. i know how it hurts to be dumped or rejected and i would want to minimize the pain. i am not receiving that kind of compassionate rejection right now hahahaha. it is just the coldest worst thing, from a person i thought could never be capable of something so cold.  and mourning the almost 3 years that i have known them, when i first met them as a sweet young gurl, in a probably unhappy rel, and we got along instantly and easily, in a way that i rarely do with people, let alone young gurls.

at that time it was bad timing for me, i didnt have luv feelings for her until a few years later, when she was officially done with her rel. and probably that prompted me, helped changed things for me. but i wasnt’ going around like a little cuck beta for years saying please respond please date me. that didnt happen till 10 short months ago. hahahaha.

in the past week the idea of “cuckservative” became a semi mainstream meme and i think its great. on 4chan people have been calling each other cucks for years, really thats the most important thing to be mainstreamized imho, the idea of a CUCK, ie, a weak man who bends over and takes it up the ass and says give me more please, i deserve this, becuase i am such an unmanly weak omega male that i gladly get fooked, i would gladly give my women away to more masculine men; please, fook my gurlfran and wife and daughter, please, fook me in the ass.

being a cuck is shameful as fook, thats why its such a great insult. i think it applies to a lot more men than just “cuckservatives” but its a good point of entry because it accurately describes them.

this is perhaps related to donald trumps popularity as a masculine political outsider who does not say pc things, so he would be the least cucked, in other words, and make the establishment republicans look like pussies.

there are plenty of good articles out there you can read on this interesting new meme. but IMHO its just fun to see the idea of CUCK out there, not necessarily cuckservative, but just the promotion of the idea that being a cuck SUCKS. and that men are going to Rise Up and stop enjoying being Cucked. Men will say Stop Cucking Me, B1tch! I deserve better! I will no longer Prep My Wife’s Bull!

there CAN be a racial aspect to cucks, usually wimpy white men and their attractive white women getting torn apart by Big Black Bulls; but IMHO Cuckoldry doesn’t REQUIRE this racial aspect, just that your woman is getting fooked (and loving it!) by a man more MASCULINE than you. its all about the alpha male stealing the beta male’s mate. you certainly can ADD racial aspects to it, and they go along with it quite naturally, but you dont HAVE to.

anyway please respond is something a total CUCK would say. and now the woman can go through a string of Much More Masculine Men. how did i think i ever had a chance. well probably because we were pretty close at one point, and at some points she gave hints of liking me. before i liked her though. then i never saw another hint as soon as i started liking her. you can see how this can eat a man up hahahahaha.


june 21

cant remember if i shared the vidya by my boy stefan molyneux and his in depth analysis of elliot rodger. molyneux is a controversial guy and i don’t always agree with him, but i respect him for being very smart, good speaker, often persuasive. also he is HUGE on analyzing childhood and human development and all that. and is obsessed with child rearing practices, how to raise and educate children, as am i. i don’t always agree with him, but he is always interesting and thoughtful.

i had to take a little break from stefan but this great vidya brought me back.

i would like to see stefan live, maybe even buy a t-shirt.

they say he is a cult, i dunno.

i like that he has a 5-year old child and hopefully he will share his parenting experience about that.

although some of his stuff borders on leftism, i guess it’s moreso anarchism, which may be inherently rightist. or, i do not mind the rightist anarchists hehehe.

and i am especially inspired by his psychological and child development stuff.

buy some edgy and reasonably priced t shirts at 7 buck tees and support a decent cause.

stefan, the bomb in the brain

stefan argues that that root of all violence starts in the home, in domestic violence, child abuse, which shapes and destroys the brain to create twisted violent adults.

he is very against spanking, his thing is “peaceful parenting” he just wrote a book on, not sure how you do it.

very interesting food for thought but it did shock me, like whoa I AM a total f00kup, my mind is permanently destroyed, i cannot possibly fix myself, it’s too late, i better k myself because if i ever become a winner, i will just be an aggro violent person who hurts and poisons others, better to keep my destruction turned inward. i am just a defect, my fam tried their best but i  was just a bad egg, or they had the best of intentions, but just did not know how to raise me into a successful adult, etc.

easier to raise a good kid than fix a broken man, etc.

i can never be fixed, my brain will always be broken, so best for me to just k myself, or be on powerful drugs all the time to minimize my mental pain, or just constantly be exercising so i can at least be in good physical shape and maybe find my success that way, at least be physically healthy because mentally healthy is out of the f00king question forever.

but he’s obviously not saying that.

but what are the bullet points for peaceful parenting. so you don’t spank your child. how do you get them not to do stupid sh1t then? a time out? maybe.

I was spanked half-heartedly like once or twice in my life, and not like the fam enjoyed doing it! but could that have warped my young mind? i refuse to blame my fam when they had such good intentions for me!

anyway. i would like to hear molyneux give a 1 hour summary of his parenting book.  hehehe.

and then i always come back to the anti-molyneux stuff. arguing that molyneux is evilly brainwashing people into thinking that their families are bad and they should cut all contact with them.

well, at the veyr least, it certainly makes me think about what would be the best way to raise the children i want to have……

and then fearing, o god, i would be a horrible parent! i have no idea what i’m doing! i would totally screw the children up bad! and thus should never have children at all! plus i am lazy and don’t make enough money to support a family!

thus me having children would be evil and selfish and cruel!!!!

but some stuff undermines my trust and faith in molyneux, and other things make me want to trust him and like him wholeheartedly as a source of Life Advice. very conflicted. i would have to spend a few days hanging out one on one with him. and he is wayyyyyy too in demand for me to be able to do that.

ok when you are doing laundry, fold the t shirts first. separate them into good shirts and bad shirts. so you know where your better shirts are opposed to the not better ones. this policy works for all clothes not just t shirts.

folding the t shirts first is good because the shirts are easy to find and grab, and they are also big, so it reduces your laundry pile very quickly to other stuff like socks and underwear that can then be quickly dealt with.

i used to fold the underwear and socks first, but finding and folding the t shirts first is much, much, much better.

now if you have hangables in there, of course pick out the hangables first and hang them.

even if you think you’re antisocial and misanthropic and autistic you are not. all humans need to be around other humans. it is better just to go out and be around some normalfags, than to sit around by yourself all the time.

unless the normalfags are directly abusing you. in that case, it is better to be alone.

but neutral normalfags are often better than being alone. just so you can get used to being among and around people without flipping out or getting nervous or angry.

and yeah molyneux sez your language shapes your worldview and your attitude and your thoughts. of course he is not the first to say this!!!! but because i like him, it actually made me think about all the hateful words i use like f4g and b1tch and n199er and k1ke, and to maybe thing about using them less, that maybe people aren’t THAT bad all the time.

but it IS fun to say those words sometimes and you should not be afraid to say them….sometimes.