for sat april 15

now: sept 6 2016

sept 7 2016


yeah i have been physically not too great, mentally/emo not too great either since coming back from muh “vacation.” hehehehe. when I got back I promptly went to bed for 16 hours. the next day I was still tired and had aches and pains all over the body. i had done some lifting and carrying of stuff but it really didnt seem bad enough to produce such soreness!

also had annoying borderline water faucet colon which i usually only get in the morning after drinking a lot of coffee too fast, but here it lasted all day and that was very annoying. couldnt even enjoy a nice powerwalk without thinking im gonna shart muh pants.

have been getting sharper “carpal tunnel” pains lately. this has been going on for at least a year but the last couple days its been more noticeable. it is honestly probably enough to get me a medical MJ recommendation for “chronic pain”!!!!! not even joking.

was taking pepto bismol which usually helps with the watery #2’s, but didnt seem to help much yesterday. at the end of the day was very tired. not just low energy, but darn exhausted, even though i hadn’t done anything. slept pretty well again but could have slept longer if i hadnt forced self.

yassss got new shoes from zappos, they seem to fit well. i mean my current shoes are just terrible. they are SO worn down, but really all on one side, so the shoes are very lopsided and diagonal and that cant be good for the foot.  i mean i should have upgraded these shoes months ago. i hope i havent done permanent damage hahahaha. basically i am an overpronator and the outside of the shoe gets worn down much much much more.

but yeah i just felt like i was 80 years old hahahaha.

THANK GOD for the new shoes though. this is my typical thing though. wait way too long to replace stuff that should be replaced. or get haircut. or clothes.

honestly cant stop pooping. this is ridiculous.

new shoes feel gr8! that is awesome. very good. THANK GOD. because this is a privilege most people dont have. buying new shoes when they need them.

yeah so i wore the shoes and took a 3.2 mile walk and the shoes were great.

388 days since i sent her the last contact. i figure 400 days is a nice round number. nicer than 365. but a YEAR is a nice round period of time. why arent years 400 days hahahaha.

422 days since i last talked to her, abotu 419 days since i last SAW her.

theres a thought that I should address Muh Egregious Red Flag Employment Gap in muh cover letter. I am open to doing this.





ok. gave this one a try because i liked the cover art hahahaha. wanted to see how the production and songwriting compares to “ashes against the grain.” there seems to be more blasting in a blatant black metal style on Marrow of the spirit, so, I like that. now the SOUND on MOTS is really interesting. I think I like it, it’s definitely provocative so yeah that’s good. the drums sound a little weird and the guitars sound very “warm” and fuzzy. the whole thing sounds rawer and more underproduced than I was expecting, not in a bad way of course.

it sounds like they intentionally tried to make their sound more “raw” or “live” or “organic”, and in theory, I am always in support of this.

heh. finally applied for job. 30k county job. i prefer to apply for the 26k county jobs, but i have gotten interviewed for a 42k county job!

i want to work for you because you have a MF day shift, weekends off, no overtime, 37.5 hour work week, and bennies. so its a good fit for me because i dont handle stress or pressure well hahahahahaha. or customers. thats why i have to be high on xanax all day at work hahahahahaha.

no obviously i don’t actually often USE benzos. i brought 3 valiums with me to our little vacation, and i completely FORGOT about them. sheeeeit. they may have come in handy when i was freaking out because of the MJ! which is the entire reason I brought the valium!!!!!

i am very close to the cusp of focusing hardcore on temp/staffing agencies. recruiters for temp jobs.

because the only people that will “take a chance” on such a RISKY person as me, are the absolutely bottom of the barrel shittiest jobs that will hire ANYONE……or MAYBE jobs where the job contract is limited. temporary. finite. temp. if the person sucks, they will be gone soon.

also if i go a week without an interview, the confidence def goes down. as you get 2 or 3 rejection emails a day hahahaha.

heh. if i got rejected by WOMEN like this, I would have even less confidence hahahaha.

or maybe i just wouldnt care and would bullshit the things i am supposed to bullshit to get women to spread for muh dick hahahahahaha. maybe it would actually be EASIER.

yeah that sounds woman hating, but You Women really DO give it up to easily and don’t have the appropriate RESPECT for SECS, like your biological role in secs. I dont NEED to have as much respect for secs, because men just dump sperm. the costs and risks and responsibilities are much higher for women. RESPECT that.

ok forced my way thru 2 applications. again i am getting discouraged here so i am not applying to “reach” stuff with muh dream orgs unless they are fairly low paying…..and of course these jobs skew towards high paying.

unbelievable. company sending a pdf for me to complete…..but its not an editable pdf. they literally want me to print it out, fill it out by hand, then scan it, then send THAT pdf back. this is a fairly big company where that shit is blatantly embarrassing.

so instead I am converting the pdf to a jpg and trying to edit it in paint. not working so well. with the text boxes and shit.

this is truly a very good album!

it took me basically the whole album just to fill out that shit. using pixlr to add text boxes, rasterize, and draw little circles. unbelievable. they are looking for skills in VISIO and PROJECT which i technically have hahaha yet their goddam Talent Acquisition Team can’t make a pdf editable. absolutely disgraceful. See, I would volunteer my personal time after work to make the pdf editable so they wouldnt have to pay me for that work.

plus i get to show extreme ingenuity and cleverness and problem solving with this pdf to jpg, pixlr, jpg to pdf nonsense, hahahaha. sending them back a pdf that was 8 times larger in size than the one they sent me hahahaha.

because they couldnt do any of this with plain text, saying, answer all of these questions in your reply email. nooooooo that would be too easy.

or god forbid have something in the taleo applicant tracking system THEY ALREADY HAVE AND USE.

but yeah. then they wanted me to explain in the REPLY EMAIL any Gaps in the past 7 years, and also all Reasons For Separation in the past 7 years. I guess I should be glad they didnt ask for 20 years!

but this implies they are gonna read the email……so why demand the shitty, shitty pdf as well?

just to make shit more difficult and weed out the weak.

so I will be PISSED if this doesnt result in an interview.

i added an extra 20 minutes to the spreadsheet for the amount of time it took to apply for this job.

thinking SEARS might be a better place than jcpenneys for me hahahaha.

just looking for t-shirts that have like STRIPES or patterns or some shit, that is not a damn “graphic tee.”

something that is more interesting than just a solid color t shirt, which is what i usually wear, but that is kinda boring!

interesting. what gets me most worked about That Woman is not really thoughts of her spending time and being nice to other men, and loving them and cuddling with them, but really the more x rated stuff, like her sucking dick, fooking her, her sitting on their face and them licking her asshole, hahahahahahahaha. banging her from behind, banging her from the front, tongue in the mouth, her sighing and breathing heavy and getting juice all over. that real porno stuff, which isnt even all porno stuff, but actual real life secs stuff. that is what gets me angery.

that is the sort of stuff that gets me all hot and bothered!

anyway of course i should not be thinking about it at all.

but yeah i have no interest in other women. occasionally i will see a young qt i want to bang but not super often. and i would STILL want to bang HER moar!!!!!!

stupid shit really.

basically i cant ever imagine WANTING another woman as much as her, and also that i will never STOP wanting her!

i mean yeah it has gotten better. and yeah i DID eventually stop wanting those other women. it just took like 2 years hahahaha. and it hasnt been 2 years with this woman yet.

just no interest in women other than to maybe opportunistically bang unmarriageable sluts. great. and never fully exorcise the memory of HER. because I always got along with HER best, we had the most special best connection.

yeah well if it was so good, how come she couldnt even send me a damn text message and just say awwwww im sorry ok now im blocking you sorry.

or have her family or our mutual friend send that message to me for her.

but yeah that connection! even if it was just for me. how am I ever gonna feel that way about someone else ever again? and that is what I WANT to feel for muh wife, the mother of muh children!

yeah it def was the worst heartbreak.

the OBVIOUS ANSWER to how do i forget about HER is……….MEET NEW WOMEN!!!!!!!!!! THE TIME HAS COME where I NEED to MEET NEW WOMEN!!!!!!!!

of coursh I have never ever really liked meeting new people. it is not fun. men or women.

some people, normies and chads, actually LIKE meeting new people and think its FUN.

i have no interest in meeting people unless its a young woman and they are qt and seem NICE.

how hard is it to be nice? not very, but many people seem to think so.

hearing about this guys GF who is like 19 years old and NOBODY likes her. she has “no personality”.

i thought, so what if she has “no personality,” That Woman didn’t have much of a personality, usually if a woman has a strong personality, that means she’s bitchy and obnoxious. no thank you. just have a not-strong personality and be nice. be pleasant. i’m thinking this young girl is both no personality AND not really nice or pleasant either. jeeeez. how unpleasant do you have to be as a 19 year old gurl to have nobody like you??!?!?!?! also I have heard she is not terribly good looking either.

meanwhile i found, once upon a time, a nice, qt, woman that everybody liked because she was NICE and had a GOOD personality.

with men its harder. you have to have an ACTUAL personality, and NOT Just Be Nice. i guess I cant be mad about that, thats just nature.

dramatic breakup story, he cant get over ex, who blocked him, but they had their problems, also she talked to him a lot more and prob would have been willing to give him some closure

spet 9

well i have learned from /r/relships/ that women indeed have some agency and are not to be regarded as total BABIES.

(every single attractive young woman on linkedin is a GOD DAMN RECRUITER.)

anyway, not to get off on a tangent, basically, the leftist scum of reddit insists that women are not powerless infants and indeed they DO have some responsibilities. well of COURSE they would think that tho! they like powerful independent wimmin!

but yeah you hear stories where women actually do stuff, put in an effort, or in some cases, stalk the guy, or get needy or clingy, texting the guy, getting jealous, getting heartbroken. i guess its nice to know that women are CAPABLE of this!

or just basically that they are willing to talk to you when they are dumping you and to say sorry and to be conscious that them dumping you is gonna hurt you and they are making some token effort to mitigate some of that hurt!

also the idea that the solution is pretty obvious (dump that b and run away!!!!) and the Bad Guy is pretty obvious.

i just hate being the Bad Guy because I couldnt understand Space.

but i dont think it was that simple either. i think any mature person would say SPACE ISNT AN EXCUSE TO AVOID DEALING WITH THE SITUATION. SPACE ISNT AN EXCUSE TO NEVER COMMUNICATE.

i think i already made that a post title. or something very close to it hahahaha.

so basically when a woman has secs quickly, she is saying “MY VALUES ARE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THAN YOURS.”  so maybe its a stage. but why should the stage be like 10 years long or 15 years or whatever? thats a pretty long stage. too long for me.

ok applied for us army job. they have a big facility which employs a lot of people in the area with damn good 35k jobs like this one.

an open relationship will NEVER work if BOTH people dont agree about wanting it. period. it HAS to be completely mutual and UNANIMOUS.

of course at least 80% of Breakups are not unanimous, but they dont need to be. it would be nice if they were!


welp at 399 jobs now, should prob make the big 400th a good one. i think we decided not too long ago to make 500 the new goal.

i mean i have a hard time with jobs. bullshitting my way and figuring out what to do in tough confusing situations. figuring out how to do and handle my job. figuring out how to fix problems and what to say to frustrated customers who are counting on me to fix their problem…….and i really dont know what im doing. i feel incompetent because I AM incompetent and its inherently stressful to try to serve people when you ARE incompetent. because you ABSOLUTELY do not feel free to make mistakes or fail, because someone is basically gonna insult your intelligence.

in school it was ok to make mistakes, because only your grade suffered, and only a little bit, and you could always ask questions without being bitched at and treated like someone who should be fired.

how did that woman do it? oh yeah she just went with the flow. great advice, you horrible person hahahahahaha.

fookin captain obvious. fookin captain obviously easier said than done. jeeeeeez.

also reading /r/rels you see how FLAKY women are. they will just give up on you for the stupidest shittiest reasons and there is nothing you can do about it. because you have to respect their wishes that they dont care about you any more and dont want to do anything to work on things.

where do you go for nondegenerate dating advice? actually /r/rels is pretty good…..BUT they are degen on things like open rels, or being a SLUT. i guess I am just happy that they view Cheating as a Bad Thing. but yeah they dont view having a Super Promiscuous Slut Past as being a bad thing. when it totally is.

and i dont want to go to a christian thing, again. because I want YOU to understand why being a slut is wrong, not just because of muh good book or muh jeebus. which are all great things mind you, but it honestly seems………MORALLY LAZY!!!!!! to have muh jeebus be your answer to all moral questions.

but i dont like atheists. but do i like a devout blind faith type person better than an atheist? probably.

ideal would be a person like me: someone who wants to have faith but is just filled with tons of doubt.

and a woman who just thinks casual sex is GROSS or SLUTTY, and SLUTTY is BAD. I dont wanna be an icky gross SLUT. SLUTS ARE GROSS, she says. I would never want to be gross like that.

and she said that! she had an appropriate sense of DISGUST and DISDAIN 4 SLUTS!!!!

if i even have to mansplain it…….that stuffing a guys dick in your mouf and babymaker, who you dont even know this guy, you just met him a few days ago…if i have to mansplain why that is disgusting, then you are too far gone.

and 90% of women are too far gone hahahahahaha.

might have a little nyquil today, go for walk after, go to bed early.

called this auto service place for recall notice and actually got scheduled to get that fixed. so that was an accomplishment hahaha.

heh. you know how some people “break up” but theyre not really “borken up” because they are still hanging out, fooking, texting hahahaha. sometimes even the gurl initiates, decides she doesnt want to be totally done with the guy, and presents herself to be fooked. can’t say that happened to me hahahaha.

basically, if she had ANY desire to talk to me……..SHE WOULD HAVE.


but its easy to think they aren’t, when you have a case where the woman does ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. you think, are ALL women like that? I HOPE not all women are like that!!!!!!!! but i dont know enough women to tell. so then its GOOD to read these stories and anecdotes.

AYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I have just gone from a floundering seal to a baby seal on SwC poker hahahahaha. this is a YUGE deal, its taken me like 2 years to get to this point.






aug 13

you cant even talk to normies about this because theyll be like why were you SO devastated? why didnt you just ignore her? just suck it up? why did you fall SO hard for someone you werent even fooking? why didnt you tell her earlier? its all my fault basically. and it kinda is. not that I MADE her withdraw all kindness, but I did kinda reap what I sowed in several ways.

but she was jsut as immature as i was, and usually 25 year olds are more mature than me hahahahaha. well she was a WOMAN though. women are naturally immature. like children. children who cant keep their legs closed hahahaha.

so yeah normies get their hearts broke but its not as big of a deal to them. or they dont fall so hard for someone they are not dating/fooking.  normies just wouldnt understand. they say yeaaaahhhh something is a little weird about this guy, and he should probably see a shrink and get on some meds already. oh he is? hmm well uhh maybe he should try some diff meds and a diff shrink, the current program isnt working so well hahahaha.

the ironic thing is, I think a Decent Monog Longterm Rel with a Woman WOULD help the majority of foreveralone despairing virgin men, give them real confidence in something that is really meaningful to them, and literally transform them. theyve wanted this for so long but never got it. dont you think them finally achieving it would change their lives?

but maybe it would be like winning the lottery. theyd find a way to fook it up.

i dunno. give them a CHANCE at least. if that woman gave me a CHANCE, i think i would have had a good chance of not fooking it up!

normies also dont understand why it takes us so LONG to get over somebody. so just virginsplain to them that if their wife with whom they have created new life just up and left them without a word and that was it, how long would it take THEM to get over THAT? at LEAST a year.

or the person just dropped dead suddenly one day. but still i think being left is WORSE than that, because you’re not certain that the person who dropped dead WANTED to LEAVE you. as far as you know, they still loved you till the very end.

so yeah this is rougher than a death hahahaha. because they WANT to leave you, they’re still alive out there fooking and loving OTHER guys, and they dont give a DAMN about you and your broken heart and the time you spent together. they’ve FORGOTTEN about you entirely. dead people cant forget you like this hahahaha. dead peopel arent moving on fooking and loving other people and enjoying life.

you can move on and enjoy all the cox and abortions and tyrones you want, just dump a person the right way, not the wrong way.

implying that women are even capable of doing things the right way.

hehehe well i KNOW they are, because OTHER women have dumped me the right way. and I appreciate it hahaha. thank you so much for dumping me the right way.

ok took shower, go to boring church today. i was trying to “fast” until 12pm, that would give me 18 hours of “fasting.” the old 18/6 as opposed to the 16/8 hahahahaha. i was starting to ger hungery so yeah. then ate 290 calorie breakfast/lunch.

ive been VERY good about not looking her up on linkedin or facebook or instagram or google. VERY good. so +1 to me hahahaha. i mean i wouldnt be able to see any more than her fb profile picture, but that’s bad enough. to even see ONE picture of her would be WAY too much.

then i think about people who are Friends with their Exes 4 Lyfe. I just cant wrap my mind around it at all!

i mean it could possibly be doable if BOTH peopel mutually agreed that the rel was over and that NEITHER person wanted to work on it. and NEITHER person wanted the other back. i guess I am envious to have such a Mutual, Amicable Breakup hahahaha.  seems a lot less stressful than knowing you have to restrain yourself from seeing even ONE picture or ONE comment or ONE reminder that they are still alive, for YEARS.

like i am thinking of these people i will see at this little labor day event. the one guy is married and has a kid and his wife and maybe kid will be there with him…..but he is still friends with his ex gf from 10 years ago! and they dated for several years and she was kinda crazy! and she is married to some other guy now. and she is going to this thing as well! they still see each other once a year or so! heh if i were his wife i would be suspicious hahahaha. its called a break up because its BROKEN hahahaha. but then youre jealous, youre the bad guy. maybe he gets a freecard to fook her hahahaha. now im just speculating. but this guy had a LOT more wild oats than me, he was pretty much an alpha male ladies man. now he has a good career and a nice wife and child. hehehehe funny to think that when  first met him he was an 18 year old kinda nerdy kid who had only had 1 GF hahaha (much more than i had had as a nerdy 18 year old hahaha) and I kinda Corrupted him by introducing him to MJ!!!!

well he turned out MORE than all right and I turned into a big loser hahaha. maybe winner normies can be issue free friends with their x’es. i just don’t want him to do anything DEGENERATE, because he’s a good guy and he can do BETTER than that. of course nothing degenerate has actually happened to my knowledge! i just think its weird to be friends with your x’s and to have the x at a holiday weekend with your wife and the wife is fine with it too!

meanwhile i have to make a concerted effort to never look at a single picture of HER ever again, and we didnt even date for 2-3 years and fook 6000000000000000 times like this guy and his x did!

so i am a bit jelly of a serious relationship ending without any Lingering Trauma hahahaha.

and they still have SOME sort of relationship technically!

how does his wife feel about this? how does her husbando feel about this? is she still married to the husbando? i dont think THEY had any kids. i dont fully trust her, although i always got along with her. i wouldnt want to be in a rel with her! she was kinda crazy, in the way that you can never fully trust crazy! she went on to be wildly successful and started doing a phd but then left after the masters level to make tons of money in Private Industry. probably not in a call center hahahaha.

i guess i am also envious of crazy people who can still be extremely successful despite their despair or bipolar or whatever.

anyway shes ok, she’s white, thats the main thing, so she should go down to part time and have some white kids. her husbando had a high paying job in finance or some shit. controller or CFO or some high level, high wealth Career. she can afford to take some time off and have babies. 3 of them. i think he’s white too. could be Jooish but I don’t think so. could be though. has dark hair. i never met him. but if he’s white, they should have kids. but she might pass her crazy on to them? she’s not a bad person though. would i trust her with homeschooling children? maybe. i mean having children could well be very good for her.

anyway i dont hate her, i just thought she was kinda weird, and i was a bit annoyed by her overachieving. it paid off in an impressive career though!

anyway i anticipate i will get along with her just fine, i always did before, and she was always nice to me and me to her. situation is just kinda weird is all. but theres no point for me to tell HER that! or him. if it doesn’t bother either of them, it doesnt matter.

i am just obsessed with Relationships in general. and getting Nosy into other people’s business.

especially if i KNOW the people, and there is anything weird about the rels. or the rels are ending or failing. i am interested in the Death of Rels hahahaha.

well their rel certainly didnt DIE! it changed, maybe downgraded, and in a mutual way! me and that woman, our rel just DIED. permanently. DNR. RIP. Although I for sure wanted to resuscitate it!

when you want something for so long, well its not like food and water, you wont DIE……but you do become TWISTED and WEIRD. to have an unscratchable itch for 10, 12, 14 years, and to never experience something that Normies experience.

in the mood for some depressive su1z1dal black metal, i hear this one is pretty good, and i actually remember listening to it like 4 years ago when i first discovered DSBM.

i recall it being ok. it gets good reviews.

i could very well be bipolar hahahaha. only i dont get manic episodes. i just get brief episodes where i am kinda wound up and not thinking straight. well that is a manic episode no? yeah but i am not staying up 3 days in a row Tweaking and doing impulsive shit. but i am generally “one extreme or the other” in my thoughts and attitudes. so maybe i have “mild bipolar” and taking some lithium would help me be more productive and successful.

churn out moar job apps, get thru moar interviews, and once i get a job, survive its shittiness one day at a time. put myself out on okcupid and try to get the table scraps there hahahaha. Post HER, I cant imagine ever Loving another woman again.

i mean why SHOULD you lower your standards when you are looking to spend the rest of your LIFE with somebody and you want to create THREE NEW LIVES with them? does it make ANY sense to lower your standards for that? FOOK NO!!!! Either I luv them the same or MORE than i luved her, or NO new lives will be created!!!!!!!!1111


or to rephrase that, someone you are just kinda “MEH” about. i realize Mad Luv fades, but i am implying that it Of COURSH follows with a deep, abiding, Loyal, Foundational, Strong, Faithful Luv.

coldworld just came out with his first album in 8 years hahahaha. cover is a little corny but album is allegedly good hahahaha.  not really DSBM as much as melancholic black metal hahahaha. i recall the melancholie2 album was decent. prob better with some MJ and good headphones hahahaha.

yeah well though i have trouble reaching muh goals, at least i have a good family and i am not a superfat slob anymore. still want to lose 10 more pounds tho. and it will be the hardest.

also now i have nice clothes to wear in the interview. and nice friends who remember me after years and invite me places. i mean i am kinda nervous because i dont have any stories to tell, and i am a huge loser and they are all happy winner normies. but i try to not ram my loser weirdo neetness down their throat, and try to be as normie as i can. play down my loserness and insecurity and self-loathing cuz i know that comes across as VERY overbearing. so i dont overbear others with it. just in this blog and when i am by myself!

i didnt overbear HER with it either, she had barely any idea how crazy i am! i just overbeared her with pathetic pleas to pleeeeeeease hang out with meeeeeeeeee pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease respond.

aug 14

just spent all day reading about metal, mainly DSBM, but some regular non DSBM like this quebec nationalist black metal band forteresse, sheeeeeit all sorts of black metal. very close to giving ruins of beverast another chance.

well lets just put it this way, i like metal Solo Projects with Real Drums. Drum machines suck. also when you add more people it risks diluting the musical vision and purity. 2-person bands are also ok.

so basically you just tell women you want to HANG OUT and then you use a little GAME and if the first “date” goes ok, then you can get a second date, and then you bang them on the second date. this is insanely slutty!

it is so insane and disgusting and horrifying that THAT WOMAN is doing exactly that with a carousel of guys she meets on dating sites and tinder!

i guess this is women’s programming to get pregnant as soon as possible, by any means necessary. and then you NEED to have an abortion or oops baby to teach you a lesson. and then you forget that lesson after a few months, become a slut again, and have another abortion or oops baby.


welp i generally dont like 80 minute albums but might as well dive in here. i think some dude MJ lmao and good headphones would help a lot here. unfortuantely i have neither hehehe.

well even the pickup guys who like to bang sluts say that half of women dont bang on the second date. this is great news.

heh maybe half of THEM bang on the THIRD date. so, 75% of women bang on 3rd date, 88% on 4th, 94% on 5th, 97% on 6th, 99% on 7th, hahahahaha. doing a little rounding there.

i dunno. i am still not over her. she was SPECIAL to me goddamn it! she wasnt some random slut! yet to other guys she wilfull presents herself as a random slut. unbelieveable. disgusting. revolting.

interview tomorrow for part time job. 12k a year hahahahaha. well at least its permanent part time hahahaha. and i have worked with this organization before. but it is IMPOSSIBLE to get a full time job here. you have to REALLY know someone powerful . i thought i did, but i either didnt know them well enough or they werent powerful enough. prob both.

went for powerwalk. lyrinx was meh, ruins of beverast was interesting, not as bad production as i expected, but still pretty rough.

anyway i dont like having a special rel thrown away like it was not special. it makes me think the WHOLE THING was an illusion….WHEN IT WASNT.

also, i probably did NOT do something HORRIBLY WRONG AND BAD…..although it was very confusing and bad for me because i got the same reaction as if i had, and it was ENTIRELY up to me to cnvince myself that i hadn’t! and i am not very good at that!

also, i never want to do anything terrible, but i am aware that i might do something terrible, and i want someone to let me know so i can learn from it and never do it again! and she sort of let me know that i did something terrible.

but she DIDNT. she didnt do ANYTHING. maybe i did something bad, maybe I didnt.

hehehehe time is money wagie, tick tock, back to work, another day another dollar.

so yeah i like it when the woman lets you know you didnt do anything terrible that makes you a terrible person, they say its not you its me. i like that. its cliche but it WORKS, it really MEANS something.

i dont want to be such an autistic sociopath that i do horrible things without knowing! i dont want to be a terrible person to other poeple!!!11

so yeah she could have been better in letting me know that i was not a terrible person basically.

and it took me a fookin YEAR to convince myself that she was just Overloaded and Ran Away. but jeez. at least send a messenger. send one last message. wasnt our earlier rel important to YOU???!?!?! Im pretty sure it was! dont be DISHONEST and pretend it wasnt!

but yeah its gonna be the father who teaches his daughter morals, including sexual morality. how to pick a good man. how to wait 8 dates before fooking. how to not bang too many guys. how to pick a good guy young. how to not cheat. how to dump a guy the right way. how to not lead a guy on. the mother just cant do this. because women cant TEACH shit. funny how most “teachers” are WOMEN!

so she turned out ok despite no father. she still hurt me greatly and i wish i had never met her. so if i had followed my never associate with fatherless women rule, then i never would have met her (or at least got attached to her), and my life would have been better.

i mean shit. it just sucks when you have to say “I WISH I NEVER MET YOU. YOU MADE MY LIFE WORSE. YOU BROUGHT MORE BAD THAN GOOD. YOU WERE A NET LOSS.”

when people have an Amicable Break Up, they don’t say THAT. they dont wish they never MET the person.

theres this book called The Ethical Slut which used to trigger me because being a slut isnt ethical, but i guess the book assumes a basis of do no harm, and communicate boundaries, and dont treat people like garbage, and how to communicate about awkward feelings in case your fuccboi gets feelings and you just wanna fucc moar fuccbois.

in other words, i would have LOVED being treated with the ethical guidelines advocated by The Ethical SLut hahahaha. i think.

its NOT OK to NOT COMMUNICATE with your lovers or yourself hahahaha.  THANK YOU. hahahaha

opening up by the degen slut tristan taormino is argued to be the better book.

heh. i am looking to the MOST DEGEN PEOPLE for advice on Ethical, Mature, Healthy Relships hahahaha. THAT is how IMPORTANT good COMMUNICATION is to ALL relationships, even degen slut ones.


I agree with them that communication and respecting feelings is important, ethical, and good!

ok i think i have made my point hahahaha.

i watched “Fargo” last night on viceland degen tv. this is one of those movies that i have wanted to watch beginning to end but had never done so. i had seen the first 30 minutes recently and was quite intrigued. so i was glad to see it here and i caught it right at the beginning. decided to watch the whole thing. there were frequent commercials so that did not help. but overall i found it disappointing. it could and should have been a lot better. just because coen brothers are degen J’s doesn’t mean they haven’t made great movies. but some of them are not so great. this one tilts towards that, when I expected it NOT to.

joos writing supergoys seemed pretty condescending, patronizing, like look at these STUPID WHITE HICKS.

did the guys wife end up dying? i felt they really treated her like a piece of meat. thats somebodys mother. even if the kid is a brat and the father is a scumbag.

i guess frances mcdormand was the moral compass and that was ok…..but I would have liked to see that extend to the other goy characters, like the kidnapped wife. i mean did the big goy barbarian just knock her out, or sociopathically kill her like he did everyone else? did the kidnappers have any intention of doing a “fair” trade? were they just gonna kill the wife all along? why? why was the injun beating steven buscemi with a belt? prob because he drew the attention of the po po on him, i guess. but nothing ever happened to the injun. they never arrested him. or maybe they did later.

just seemed kinda lazy and sloppy and i know coen brothers can do better than this.

unless there are buried hints like a david lynch movie.

why was bill macy in financial trouble to begin with? why did he scam 320k from GMAC car loans if he just needed 1 car to give the criminals? it seemed like he wanted 750k to be loaned from his father in law.

maybe im just asking too many questions. but that is what i do. blame muh job. need to know everything about everything.

ok so the gmac loan is what he needs the money FOR. but why was he trying to scam them in the first place? gambling? hookers?

and why “fargo” if most of the movie took place in brainerd and minneapolis? he first met the kidnappers in fargo but thats about it.

I mean it was GOOD, but it wasnt nearly as good as i expected. it was disappointing and lazy and sloppy and i feel like i missed something. maybe they edited out important stuff for commercials. i guess the wife is supposed to be dead.

big lebowski was better, raising arizona and millers crossing were WAY better.

this should not be considered a top shelf coen brothers movie. it was lazy and patronizing. how did it win an oscar for best screenplay. how did it become such a phenomenon, with critics and fans shitting themselves over it?

i didnt really like “no country for old men” either.

i did really like the main musical theme of fargo though.


i didnt think it really SUCKED, I just thought it was ok, not great. is was disappointing and the coens can do better.

i have enjoyed coens films for YEARS and I totally understand and get their style. the layers and subtleties. the dialogue and dialects. ok thats FINE.

i might have liked it more if i saw it years ago, when i was more prone to suck the coen bros jooish dicks.

and i prob would have liked it moar with no commericials, and ucddling with a waifu.

that can make bad movies good.

its good to Grieve but dont let it CONSUME you hhahahahaha. easier said than done. well it doesnt consume me as much hahaha. but other things do.

like oh god i am unqualified at everything, incompetent, can never get a job or a woman, completely worthless hahaha.

anyway. sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit.

so lets just assume 50% of women are dirty n>=4 whores and 50% are decent n<4 marriageable women. because we just DONT KNOW, and the great rule of thumb is, always assume 50/50 when you DONT KNOW.

i can live with 50/50!

i mean i think being a high number slut who gives it up real quick is a good proxy or way to measure a womans morality and trustworthiness in general. do they really walk the walk. or are they loose. hotdog in a hallway. jsut a damn mercenary riding the coch carousel, where she has given many men a Turn. It MATTERS and STOP PRETENDING IT DOESNT!!!! But they’re not pretending, they TRULY BELIEVE it doesnt matter. totally brainwashed.

okok i need some TROB with……clearer production.  the newest one is generally rated the lowest but its the only one i havent heard at all.  plus i just straight up RESPECK this guy, he is just very special, i dont care that he is a pagan hahahahahahaha. tree worshipper.  he also has Male Pattern Baldness and a Hirsute Robin Williams like body. this endears him even more to me.

i would totally make a moderate effort to see him live. i am glad he likes to play live. why the hell wouldnt you. like these black metal phaggots that are too grim to play. or dsbm people that are too despaired to play live. come on. even trist played live a few times.

i mean yeah the fans are degenerate losers but theres probably one guy there like me who is not hahaha. who is really enjoying your show.

interview tomorrow and i am not even worried or anxious. how can you, for an 11 dollar 20 hour a week job. good god. why do i even wear a suit. why do i think i need a NICE suit.  well at least now i have a nice suit in case i need it. and i just wear it to every damn interview anyway. i am pretty happy about the suit. i had been meaning to get one for YEARS, at least 4 years or so.

i was glad to hear people on the daily shoah agree that MULTITASKING is BULLSHIT. total BULLSHIT. i couldnt agree more. but you HAVE to say you are REALLY REALLY good at it. but if youre HONEST with yourself, it just means you do a shitty, distracted job on many tasks at once. only the most autistic people like rainman MIGHT be good at multitasking. only half of the 1% most autistic people might be good at multitasking. its fookin BULLSHIT, end of story. but we are not allowed to say that. worse, we are forced to actually attempt to multitask!

i dont mind that women are like children……..except for the fact that they do a LOT MORE DAMAGE that children. they break hearts and cheat and ruin lives without remorse. children don’t do this. you dont give the baby a machine gun.

women are like babies born with machine guns. but in the past, society used to do what it could to put the safety on that gun, or take it away.

but why should women be born with something theyre TOO IMMATURE TO USE?

so they can get pregnant as soon as possible, that’s why.

and if they choose poorly, either them, the baby, or both can suffer the consequences for that AFTER the baby is born. but not before.

maybe men and women are not as different as i thought. they just want to fook any (secsy) thing that moves, no regard to the consequences. they dont care who they hurt. we are an r selected inger species hehehehe.

yeah well we WHIITES HAVE to be better than that. maybe thats how humans started, but thats not what WE evolved into. WHITES DONT DO R SELECTION. and it disgusts me to see white women doing it.

women dont have to do time in the prison of relationshiplessness hahahaha. they don’t get tons of TIME to THINK about the DYNAMICS and the ins and outs of relationships because they’re too busy being IN them. they never have a chance to view it from the OUTSIDE. think outside of the box hahahaha.

with me and other foreveralone nevergf virgins, its the exact opposite. we spend all our time thinking about rels, and exactly ZERO time actually IN them!

isnt that funny hahahaha.

holy sheet this one guy who i used to work with at my fun job which i left……..almost 3 years ago, he is still working there! this is just sad because he is older than me, has a degree, has his teaching certificate, and can get a FT teacher job, just sub shit. and they have hired two FT people in the department in the 3 years since i left, and they did not offer HIM the job! maybe they did but he said no? i wuldnt have said no! they interviewed ME for one of those jobs. i didnt get it and i was kinda pissed. why didnt they interview me for the other one? i cant remember exactly when the other one happened. before or after the one interview i had.

maybe i was that shitty of an employee hahahaha. but i dont think so. i definitely was not an electrifying team leader however, and i did not schmooze with Higher Ups like i should have. I just nodded my head and did what they told me and was nice to everybody. but the people i schmoozed best with were not higher ups. they were just level 1 saps like me, or in different departments. the maintenance guy.

heh wasnt good enough to get me an interview when i applied for the maintenance job a few months ago, for the 3 days a year the position is open. blink and you will miss it. literally.





exaholics member says:

”  13 days of NIC. I blocked him from my phone 13 days ago. I don’t plan on ever unblocking him. I’m certain he hasn’t tried to reach out though. He still can email me and hasn’t. He didn’t respond to my last emails and text 13 days ago. I’m flawed, no one is perfect but Overall I deserve a man that can love me for me though. He always ran away when things got tough. The person I need wouldn’t run, the person I need would be right there working it out with me. I’ve talked to many people I trust that have been heart broken and are now in long healthy relationships with someone else. My love for my ex was real but his love for me was not unconditional. At this point in my life I’m looking for unconditional love and nothing less. I want healthy stable love….. My ex just runs to the woods whenever things aren’t perfect, creates drama, and plays mind games. I’m too good for that now. ”

good for u hahahaha.

anyway sometimes it seems like men are more romantic than women, men are more romantic than women, men are less mercenary than women, men are more idealistic in luv than women, etc. well i dont think its ALWAYS been like that. Traditional Women were romantic and loving!

and certainly women today have those men that they truly LUV, that they just cant get over. so then they end up treating the OTHER men in their life like garbage. the men they are dating and fooking. then THESE men are easily replaced by yet more disposable and replaceable men, the c carousel becomes more of a revolving door of D.

so i say, dont date and fook men while you are still getting over OTHER men! be CELIBATE for a while until you are READY for another man! you might have to go without your beloved sexual release for a few months bitches! hahahaha

funny youd think men are more in need of sexual release, yet men are much more likely than women to go super long periods without S. women bitch and moan if they go two months. a man can go two YEARS NO PROBLEM.

but yeah i need women too much to go full mgtow. which is why i have moved away from mgtow and mra and women women women stuff to more neo reactionary, “tradcon” type stuff. muh millennial woes hahaha. what hardcore mgtow would call white knight stuff hahaha putting sluts on pedestals.

yep i just need women too much. but i am fully aware of the risks involved. im not gonna deny or supress my desire for women. i truly believe its natural as fook for men to want women. no point in AVOIDING and ABANDONING them. just dont get married or have children with a SHITTY one!

hey she dumped ME. if she changes her mind, then the onus is on HER to come to ME with the proverbial tail between the legs. not me coming to her saying change your mind yet? change your mind yet? fook that.

so i was desperate. big deal. if you were in my position youd be desperate too. whats so bad about desperate? youd be desperate too if you hadnt been with a woman in 10 years hahahaha. then you came so close to something good, and it was yanked away from you.

that wasnt entirely her intention, her intention was just to avoid me and not deal with The Problem, but it still feels like a yanking (well after a period of slow gadual withdrawal), and its still a shitty way of her to deal with the problem, even feminists, leftists and marxists agree with us rightist traditionalists, that avoidance is a bad bad way to end a relationship, and Open Confrontation is the best. (imho “confrontation” is a bit harsh a word, i prefer “communication” or “conversation” hahahahaha)

women CAN build up your confidence. she built up my confidence for a while. and now my confidence is in the crapper.

also i kinda need a low self esteem woman because i am not a huge winner. it was nice to have a woman accept me for who i was for damn once. especially when you are like 10 years behind in life hahahaha.

i was at a similar place as her in the grand prix of life, now she has pulled ahead and left me behind hahahaha.

also the average 25 year old woman is way more successful than me. that or they are huge single momz and i have a bias against single momz hahahaha. i kinda want HER to become a single mom soon, if shes not gonna Pick Me hahaha.

because i have to be a winner to pull a decent woman.

so the problem therefore was i came so close to pulling a decent woman, but i couldnt hold on to her because i was a loser at life. faint hearts do not win fair ladies hahahahaha.

so i found it useful to me that she was a debbie downer and not a huge winner in life and lacking good masculine figures, so then she could accept a Loser Male like me! AND it was so hard to find a woman who had kinda “low self esteem” but who WASNT a huge whore!!! cuz that is the most likely expression of low self esteem in women. they slut it up. and she didnt.

its just hard to get over a heartbreak ok! it takes a LONG TIME! its a BIG DEAL!

its a LOT OF PAIN when you get DUMPED, and you wanted the rel to continue; AND you get dumped in the “total avoidance” manner!!!!! and not the open confrontation manner (collins & gillath 2012 hahahahaha i like Sourcing shit when i can)

do the women on fox news really need to wear these Slutty Miniskirts? it looks so unprofessional and slutty!!!! is it because the patriarchs at FNC oppress them? or are they just responding to the Market of Customers who say, we want our Cuckservative news female reporters to wear Slutty Miniskirts???!?!?!?! well shame on those goddam cuckservative customers then for not wanting a Veneer of Credibility and Decency with their news. its not that they are oppressing women, its just that they are degenerate pornified idiots drooling like homer simpson at T&A that they want to see it at all times. weak. pathetic.

“All non-DEA applicants must complete a drug use questionnaire. Applicants who are found, through investigation or personal admission, to have experimented with or used narcotics or dangerous drugs, except those medically prescribed to the applicant, will not be considered for employment with the Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA). Exceptions to this policy may be made for applicants who admit to limited youthful and experimental use of marijuana. Such applicants may be considered for employment if there is no evidence of regular, confirmed usage, and the full-field background investigation and results of other steps in the process are otherwise favorable. Compliance with this policy is an essential requirement of the position.”   hahahahahahahaha looking into trying to get a job with the DEA and they have a Drug Use thing you have to sign

it hurts to have your heart broken

my heart is broken

i did truly luv her

she could have treated me a lot better

we did have a great rel for a while

but that rel got shitty at the end.

it is very disappointing.

cuz i tell myself, well that decent nice person is STILL SOMEWHERE IN THERE. why cant they bring them back out again???!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

but you could also say that shitty person was always in there, and they didnt bring THAT person out when things were good! but only at the end when things got shitty.

my experience with women is that they have always been JEKYLL AND HYDE. super bipolar like that. JEKYLL AND HYDE. it sucks a lot!

but yeah i KNOW she can be a real good person. why did she STOP being a good person to ME?

because she just couldnt handle me getting feelings for her. that totally rocked her world. in a bad way. she found it threatening. i was the male friend who was SAFE becuase i did NOT want anything more out of her. then that changed, so she hated me.

it was not logical or reasonable for her to HATE me for THAT, but…..thats on her.  but thats the way it is. IT IS WHAT IT IS. its not reasonable, but thats the reality. but thats her emotional problem hahahaha. thats her FAULT hahahahaha.

theodore dalrymple writes a very dalrymplian article on “all sex, all the time”, talking about the Moral Consequences of Our Oversexed Sex Obsessed Culture. Great Guy. always passing Moral Judgment on Modern Degenerates. he is a big influence on my man of the year 2015 millennial woes. who himself is probably as good of a straight up WRITER as TD.

took a half dose of nyquil

i was stalking millennial woes and found one of the forums he posted on a few years ago. well i wasnt “STALKING” i was just following links he put there himself, but you have to be a Big Fan to find them buried in there. anyway i think i now how his actual first name but i wont tell anyone! and i will say he is a very very very good writer, much better than I, he actually cares about shit hahahaha. i am more of a nihilist and dont even care abotu writing well any more hahahaha.


had a dream i was sitting in a high school classroom and THAT PERSON was also in the class, a few rows over, and i was always looking and scowling at her, but she just ignored me altogether. i also saw her being really nice and friendly to the black boy sitting behind her hahahaha.

also the same night in a different dream, i ran into The Previous Woman, Woman7, Woman5, woman2012, whatever she is, and she was very happy to see me after not seeing me for some time, and she might have quit her successful job, and she wanted to see me again? the details were fuzzy but i got a good vibe off her, like she was really happy to see me and possibly liked me. i was like ok i can handle this, i’d give her another chance hahahaha.

took me an ETERNITY to shake off the nyquil even though i only had a half dose like normal. like it takes 16 hours at least just to get a half dose out of your system. wtf. might have to cut back to a 1/4 dose hahaha.

so now im a racist because she was nice to black guys in the dream and mean to me hahahaha. no but seriously thats a tragic flaw of her is that she has this great sympathy for blacks that they are such victims of evil white racists, and this is gonna get her killed or having mud babies some day. and i was a bit disgusted that her short term scumbag boifran was a light-skinned black. prob better than a dark-skinned black but still. very disappointing. so i sound like a racist. big deal i openly admit to being a racist! i want to date a white gurl, and it really grinds my gears when white girls reject ME and then get fooked by Black Guys! i dislike being OUTMANNED / outgamed for white women by black men! of course its a sign of a screw loose for a white woman to even WANT to date a black………. but im pretty sure at LEAST 50% if not 75% of white women have been with black or brown men at least once.

its funny, i tend to get along FAMOUSLY with 40+ year old black women, they LOVE me and I get along well with them. but i have no desire to Date a Black Woman, i just dont find them that attractive. i am very comfortable in saying i find women of my own race (white) the most attractive and I dont really want to date anything other than a white woman. of course there was a marxist article out recently which said if you dont like to date interracially, then youre a RACIST. GOOD. i already KNOW im a racist!

i took the half dose of nyquil at like 530 pm then was tired as shit and taking little naps for the next few hours, then wnet to bed around 930, slept pretty good till like 930am, then was still tired as hell until like 1230pm.

ok did a 5 miler

millennial woes talks about his problems with mgtow, namely they are clearly being dishonest about projecting their own issues with women into a their cowardly lifestyle.

and really at the end of the day (hahahahaha) i have probably moved OUT of my mgtow phase and much closer to what MW supports, a NRx or neoreactionary type thing.

also i AM honest about my own issues and dislike and failure with women; and how they certainly shaped my own “faux political” attitudes towards women, and also i am still a huge White Knight because i WILL always desire intimacy with women, and i love the idea of monog rels and loving wives and nuclear families and tradition and such. so yeah i am not a huge mgtow any more.

i actually used to listen to guys like barbarossaaaa and stardusk several years ago. wish i could remember when. maybe 2012? but i grew out of it.

i mean i truly believe not all women are horrible whores; but that those who are are largely victims of Marxist Thought; and feminism is just one part of progressive cultural marxism; and while its insanely frustrating to see Our Women Ruined, its clear that some mgtows/mras haveve Myopia on the Women Issue and fail to see how it fits into the bigger picture, hence all their videos are women women women women women women women. sure muh blog is kinda the same way but thats largely because i am dealing with one speicific woman right now, a very specific heartbreak, it fookin hurts, it is killing me, its hard to deal with and get over, its a struggle.

shit even more degenerate women have treated me better in the way they dumped me. i just have a hard time accepting everything cuz i know she is a better person than that. and that once she did care for me. she told me she did. what reason would a woman have to lie about that to a man???? a man might lie abotu it to a woman cuz he likes fooking her; but a woman can always find a new man to fook her or to luv her. and besides we werent fooking!

this is why i like the idea of being friends before “Dating”. cuz dating just means fookin and fooking complicates EVERYTHING. jsut a bunch of lies to facilitate sexs on the reg. a sexual rel seems less honest than a nonsexual friendship in other words.

but then you run the risk of the classic niceguy friendzone bullshit, like OH IM ENTITLED TO SECS, i view women as MACHINES in which you put in Kindness Coins and then Sexs Falls Out; I had 3 conversations with her and was There for her 2 times, therefore now I am entitled to a BJ. which is the feminist view of Niceguys, which is horrendous. I cant imagine ANY guy would think so retardedly, and I am offended that anyone would think I thought like that. i certainly didnt! i liked her as a person and we were genuinely friends. then the friendship reached its peak, i thought, shes a great person and i really like her. i wonder why im not in love with her.

then she ended with her BF and i thought about it harder and deeper and said hmmm i guess i AM in luv with her. welp i dont want to be one of those friendzone guys, so better confront it head on. and that was the beginning of the end. then things got worse and worse until they ended. the end.

i wasnt putting in kindness coins and expecting sex to fall out of the sex vending machine. jesus christ. i honestly liked her as a person and then at the height of that, my feelings began to change to a different kind. then i started trying to SIGNAL that, and she did not respond well to the signals, and the whole damn thing began falling apart and we stopped hanging out and the tension grew because we didnt talk about it and then it all ended in the worst possible way.



was she so mad at me because she thought i was one of the infamous internet “NICE GUYS” that was trying to be Entitled To Sex By Being Nice? dishonest, disingenuous, ulterior, twofaced, etc? maybe. even though i wasnt. maybe she wasnt mad or hateful at me. maybe she was. maybe she was just overwhelmed and confused. maybe maybe not, i will never know.

why do i care what she thinks?

because when she DUMPED me, i was still in Luv with her, and you CARE what people think about you when you are in Luv with them. When My Luv is gone in a few years, then i wont care what she thought. after she has taken 90 more cox, prob had a few bastard babbys. or she gets promoted 10 times, makes 100k a year, gets respect, then marries a rich charismatic white entrepreneur and they live happily ever and have 4 successful children.

dont contact the person who dumped you. they decided to dump you. you think you can beg them to change their mind?

i mean yeah i have to Risk The Friendship when I  got feelings, I am not one of those WEAK NICE GUYS who wants to “salvage the friendship”. i just thought SOME communication could be had.  it has been 67 days since I initiated contact.

thats what NIC means as opposed to NC. no not “network interface card”. but “not initiated contact.” meaning they can contact you, thats out of your control, and doesnt count against you. yeah. like she would initiate contact with ME. so why should i initiate contact wiht her?

because im still in luv with her!

and today i was angry and thought some angry hateful thoughts i cant say here.

i tried to use mantras of affirmation: i do not love her any more. i feel nothing towards her. i delete her from my memory.

heh. i told her several times that i was NOT a “nice guy”, that i could be a real asshole. I was joking and smirking. this is when we were in speaking terms.

all these instances of “nice guys” being “friendzoned”, their female friends STILL HANG OUT WITH THEM, and the guys sit there, blatantly have feelings, and don’t do anythign about them, even though they HANG OUT REGULARLY AND WATCH TV ON THE COUCH and stuff like that. Shit. I was just trying to get ONE instance of watching tv on teh couch. then i would have totally told her what i was feeling. and or pulled a move like “HEY WANNA TRY CUDDLING”

of course cuddling doesnt mean they like you, nor does full blown secs.

you will have secs with them, think wow that is great, that solidifies our Romantic Relationship, and THEY think wow that was awkward i am never doing THAT again!.

google take valium at work

ah well at least you would have tried having secs and cuddlign with them, then you could hate them more when they dumped you, and blame yourself less!!!!

and be grateful you did not get accused of “regret raep” hahahahaha

oy vey its like anudda shoah, it was like a sexual holocaust in the bedroom, he was too much of a nice goy, it was like shtooping richard simmons

i might have to join an anxiety forum! i found some threads on no more panic dot uk where they talk about job realted stress. its a VERY common thing. oh graet.

as are bullies and assholes in the workplace. well not all assholes are bullies, but all bullies are assholes, and most people at your job are going to be assholes, because the job made them assholes, and all the jobs before them, all the assholes before them. just hope that the assholes managing you are not bullies, and there is at least one asshole coworker you can bribe to help you, who isnt a bully whos gonna throw your weak anxious beta ass under the bus.

well many anxious types seem to agree you can take 1 or 2 mg of valium on the job.

i really should have done that, but i was worried about being able to concentrate, and that i might seem drunk or drugged.

yep it just is like a death. once you had something pretty special… you have NOTHING. and they are alive and loving life without you, they dont give a DAMN about you. but they once did. you had to have done something to make them stop caring about you! being a weak inferior contemptuous beta weakling.

but when your job always wears you down into a weakling…..

well her being AT the job was a big deal. if i just worked the job and she were not there, then we would have to hang out to talk. and at those times i could probably forget that job made me a nervous wreck, and pretend to be confident and shit.

maybe she can lose the job and come crying to me for moral support. hahahaha. but no that would imply that i Added Any Value to her life.

it is very confidence killing to know that at one time you added value to a persons life… you dont. now they would rather have you out of their life, than in it. thats how bad you suck.

well without her BEING THERE i prob could have survived the job. well i DEF could have. so that is a good thing to keep in mind. i can survive a very stressful stupid job.

how do you fall out of love with somebody? how do you eat an elephant? ONE BITE AT A TIME. one day at a time, no contact. and mantras trying to train your brain “I dont love her anymore. I feel nothing for her.”

apparently you are not supposed to use the word no or dont, so its better to say “i feel indifferent or i feel nothing” i dunno.

shit. its just STUPID how somehow can throw you away. its valid if you want to get out of the rel, that was a risk i was willing to take, but i had NOT prepared for being thrown away. i just never saw it coming. i didnt think she would do THAT. i thought for SURE we would have some sort of talk, that she cared enough about me to do THAT. i hate being wrong about thinking somebody cared for me, when they didnt. well maybe she still did, but she was conflicted. but if i convince myself she cared about me, then i could convince myself to contact her, and i dont want to do that!!!!!

so if she hates me, that sucks because it means its all my fault, i was defective.

if she doesnt hate me, it means i have a chance.

see how i made it into a horrible catch 22?

looked at some jobs. it was god damn horrible.

i will never get a job that pays as much as the one i QUIT because i couldnt handle a GURL and some job STRESS.

i will never find another woman that i get along with as well as her, who is as high quality as her. she was young, attractive, virtuous, nice. never again. wawawawawawawawaw.


why would i want to be with someone who THREW ME AWAY?

because i luv them and it takes a long time of No Contact for the luv to die.

How come women can have their luv die very quickly? not that she “loved” me but she did have positive feelings for me at one time, and now she has nothing. oh god i wish i could have NO feelings for her!

just assume all women are Sluts until proven otherwise, cuz most are. doesnt mean you have to abuse them, but dont give them too much respect either. i assumed SHE was a slut until she proved otherwise. and she proved she wasnt. good for her. still didnt mean she wouldnt cause me unbeleiveable pain. it just meant she met one of my Dating Criteria and was probably a Virtuous person. not too virtuous to me in the end though.


but she didnt MEAN to hurt me!!! those are MY feelings and I am reponsible for them!

yeah well then all those skool shooters never MEAN To hurt anyone!

well yes they do.

well she didnt MEAN to hurt me, but she sure as hell didnt DO the things that she could have done to make it less hurtful!!!!!

did a 2.8 miler

my fear regarding jobs is that i will be thrown into a position where i dont know what to do, and asking for help is seen as a sign of weakness, that you’re not learning fast enough, you dont show enough initiative to teach yourself how to do shit, YOU NEED TOO MUCH HELP, you’re not getting it fast enough, god arent you smart enough to just figure it out?

and then you get flustered and look like an idiot in front of your client/customer and you cant get someone else to help you.

this shit happened ALL THE TIME at my job, in fact, that practically WAS the job: “explaining things you dont understand; muddling through things you didnt really know how to do; throwing spaghetti at the wall to see what sticks.” and all that CONFUSION and uncertainty and people not knowing what’s going on, what caused it, how to fix it, or how to prevent it, was very stressful. how do i keep this from happening again? uh i dont know. you might not be able to . call us back if it does and make sure the error is on the screen.

are the software developers even aware of this? welp this particular one isnt on The Big List but it might be on the unofficial list…..and basically everything on the unofficial list is long term so it wont get fixed for 3 months at LEAST.

i was just unused to situations where you had to throw up your hands and let customers walk, because it cost more to fix their problems than they were paying. so to me and to the callers, it looked like the company was not serious about their customers, we dont want to take your money, take your money to our competitors. well it made more sense once i understood the reason we didnt want their money.

i mean if we could take their money and NOT fix shit, even better. NO GIVSIES BACKSIES ya dumb goy!

and to see The Beautiful Friendship I once had with Her…..and now she’s one of THEM, just another asshole at the company. mother fooker. and she will handily find a better job, while i struggle to find a WORSE job, while she is way younger and way less educated than me hahahahahahaha. i have 190 credit hours of college waawawawawawaw i deserve a 15DAJH wawawawawawawaw i deserve an upper working class job and a wife and kids wawawawawawawawa

also i was jealous that she could deal with the stress of the job better. she had no problem being wrong about shit and telling people sorry nothing we can do, even when there WAS! i was technically the better worker than her, or at least the smarter one and more deserving of a promotion, because i cared about the big picture, and the small picture as well. i was really starting to understand shit, when that was the mark of a Good Employee, cuz they deliberately made it hard to understand shit, so you really had to WORK to understand. however i of course burnt myself out. and its stupid that they make shit all ESOTERIC and intentionally MORE confusing than it ALREADY IS! the default is super confusing and then the company makes your job even MORE confusing. I resented that. rightfully!!!!!






yeah buddy. well this book says it has exercises and worksheets to do on Grief and another on Relationships so i migth do that here.

it also talks about how the Devastation you feel is normal and natural.

it also says you will be getting a strong urge to “pine and search” and seek them out. its normal to have the urge but its bad and harmful to stalk them and go by their house hahahaha that is not recommended.

you think if you could have One More Final Talk with them, you could figure everything out, have closure, try to get an Explanation, ask them just one more final questions, tell them one more thing, i found some solidarity in the quotes from Clients and people who the author got fodder from in writing the book.

oh i just wanted them to say that that our relationship was important to them. or that they EVER luved me.

i just wanted to apologize one more time, i realized another thing i had done wrong, so i could apologize for that and maybe getting them back.

so yeah a lot of familiar thoughts and feelings there! we are not alone hahaha.

yeah decent book, worth the $4, i recommend it.

but yeah i have gotten better about not choosing the same Broken People, for example, woman2,3, and the former woman5 before i removed her from the woman lineup, were basically Crazy Sluts with severe Emotional Problems. of course they ended up more emotionally stable, way more career successful, and more long term relationship success than me, but thats because men have to do all the work in rels hahahaha and women can be on their worst behavior all the time hahahaha.

really the recurring pattern is i keep falling in luv with women who do not have feelings for me!

so really the Intimate Rel never really STARTS.

well except with sluts who have secs early. then they say yeah you know what i dont really have feeligns for you, lets stop having secs, i am bored and this isnt fun any more.

so……..i need to be more FUN? i need to make the women LIKE me more?

hehehe i may need a stronger book if i ever get an Actual Special Rel which Ends. like if i Date a gurl for a year and then she dumps me for stupid reason and i am heartbroken.

but i cant even really DO the Relationship Inventory because we simply did not spend a LOT of time together. we spent a LITTLE time together but yeah i didnt know her friends and family that well; we didnt even hang out regularly; i couldnt even get her to hang out with me for fooks sake.

i would pathetically beg to go to dinner and go out of my way to specify “ILL PAY! MY TREAT!” or wanna go to this event, i will buy your ticket for you, etc.  so she couldnt use the excuse of not having any money to pay for dinner or whatever.  that would not stop most women who have 10000000K $ of credit card debt, and i liked that she was Frugal and fairly responsible with the money mindedness. however she could also easily make the excuse that she doesnt have the money to go out to dinner, or go to a movie, or do ANYTHING, so i would tell her ILL PAY!

when of course the truth was, she just didnt want to hang out with ME.

cuz she didnt want to do free things either, like go to the park or hang out at home.

dont ask to hang out with people who never want to hang out with you! are you really THAT repulsive? hehehe you might think so sometimes, but you are probably not.

relships are stupid. they are so weak and tenuous. they require the consent and agree of BOTH parties at all times. and the instant ONE person decides they dont want to be in the rel any more……..its over.

it takes TWO people to START, and ONE person to END.

hard to start, easy to end.

i think i have gotten over any grief from my past, i have gotten over all the other heartbreaks and learned the lessons. dont fall in luv with flaky sluts, dont fall in luv too fast, act in a timely manner once you get feelings, and now, be more direct with communication, act in an even more timely manner, try to be friends first, dance through the minefield, make one misstep and KABOOM hahahahaha.

anyway so many heartbroken people think that oh if they could just have ONE MORE TALK with the person, they could convince them to stay, they could FIX things. i thought/think the same thing! but i am learned that when that person is DONE and CHECKED OUT and FINISHED, nothing is gonna change their mind. they have single handedly ended the relationship. thats just how relships work. its fooking gay.

yet i still think Relationships are a Good Thing and we should strive towards having Good Relationships between men and women.

Most Western White Women are degenerate nihilists and have a negative view of Relationships themselves!

“Relationships suck. relships are too much drama. too much work. not worth it. i would rather just date casually and be a huge promiscuous whore.” hahahaha.

ALL my relships with women, well the “love” relships, have been NOT WORTH IT, yet i still BELIEVE, iama TRUE BELIEVER in the inherent Goodness of Relships. Modern Western Women are true believers in the inherent badness of longterm monog special luv relships. how TWISTED and DEGENERATE is that!

well, maybe not “MOST”, but maybe only a Small Majority, like 55 or 60% hahahaha. oh wait. a “Small Majority” IS “MOST.”


anyway yeah i GUESS i was slightly comforted to know that what happened to me has happened to many many thousands and millions of people.

people single handedly ending relationship because theyre just DONE, they dont WANT to fix it, they just want OUT. people running away, disappearing, ignoring, avoiding.

they wont talk to you one more time, nothing you say can convince them. they dont WANT to fix it, they WANT it all to END, they want to be DONE and damn is that a simple process for them. they just decide its over, and then its over. damn.

i guess the lesson is, dont get feelings before having secs because women always have secs too soon hahahaha; no honestly, dont get feelings until they start to show some feelings for YOU.

well there was one time when i thought she might have feelings for me, around july 2014, then my feelings switched on a mere 3 months after that, in october 2014. wouldnt she still be able to rekindle feelings at that point, IF she indeed had any? probably. i know i would be able to rekindle feelings even after like a year of no contact. and we def we not no contact, we saw each other every day and got along pretty well from july to october.

but you cant really control when you get feelings. i got feelings and it was bad timing!

anyway if you get feelings, blurt it out within three months.

but its ridiculous if you get feelings if you dont know the girl at all.

this kinda happened with woman2012. i got feelings for her before we even started hanging out! stupid!

and we did not even hang out that much, or become that close of friends, i was much closer with woman2015!!!!

it just sucks to be close to someone, then they become a stranger, by withdrawing, and not caring abotu you any more.

but muh breakup book shows that this happens all the time.

but why do these people do this?

because they are Broken People?

my book says, when you get thoughts like this, say “it doesnt matter” 3 times hahahaha.

also if someone avoids hanging out wiht you for 3 months then blurt it out already, write them an email, the email wont fix anything, because its ALREADY OVER.

well ok. just because communication probably wouldnt have fixed this, because she jsut wanted out, and no amount of commuincation would have CHANGED that, doesnt mean that commuincation itslef is inherently useless or futile. an exercise in futility hahahaha.

but we see that Two To Make It, One To Break It motif once again: BOTH people have to want to communicate, for commuincate to work or event to merely happen. if one person desperately wants to commuincate and the other person doesnt……its not gonna work. its already over.

so in other words, it was over between me and her before i even knew it. it was over the moment she refused to communicate with me!

maybe you should just try to Bang any Nonugly female friend you ever have, even if you think it would be weird. fook it. do it anyway. better to be weird now than weird later. better to be weird now than you fall in luv with her later and never get to bang her hahahaha.

so i should have tried to bang her immediately? tried to get her to cheat on her boifran at the time? maybe! i dunno about that though. i did honestly respect their relship. i did not respect the relship between her and the new boifran though. i would try to get her to cheat on that. but she was in luv with him and was upset when he cheated on her hahahaha.

but i thought jealous was the most immature emotion, nobody OWNS anybody like a Controlling Slavemaster Oppressive Patriarcy! You dont OWN ME! YOU CANT TELL ME WHAT TO DO WITH MAH BODY!!!!!!

anyway. yeah i guess i should have tried to bang her the instant she broke up with her boifran. just moved in there like a wolf. a hawk. even if i didnt have feelings.

use her as a practice gurl hahahaha. no i couldnt do that because I Respected Her Too Much.

so say you are heartbroken and you meet a Degenerate Slut you dont respect, who likes to have Casual Sex with all these guys. Should You Bang Her?

OF COURSE YOU SHOULD. It will give you valuable EXPERIENCE and CONFIDENCE. Just WRAP IT UP (beause these dirty whores wont care! theyve already got The Clap and HPV and Herpes and Chlamydia), and remember that there are nondegenerate women in the world, not all women are like that, and do not treat respectable nondegenerate women the way disrespectful way you treat nonrespectable degenerate women!!!! dont let that make you a woman hater. but the Casual Sex will make you more CONFIDENCE and EXPERIENCED, which are valuable skills for pulling Actual Worthwhile Women!

not that all human beings lives dont have value.

just that SOME people are more valuable than others when you are looking for a monogamous longterm special relationship partner, a wife and mother of your children! duuuuuuuuuuhhhh!

maybe i could have got her to not walk out if i had had a babby with her hahahaha.

well, some women will still walk out on you EVEN IF YOU HAVE BABBYS WITH THEM! take the babbys with them and wilfully kick the father out of the childrens life just because! for no reason. because they dont luv you and they just want out of the rel.

ok time for the 3.6 miler hahaha.

ok did it. did not do much jogging on it.

anyway. red flags. when i first met female friend, she told me all about her life and actually i felt that was a little Too Much, and thats part of why i kept her at a distance. i was just like mmm hmmm ok but thinking why are you telling me all this? all this personal and intense family stuff. funny she was more intimate with me that way in the VERY BEGINNING than she was after two years. then she would not want to tell me anything about her life at all! but at that very begnning, i was like this gurl has had a very hard, sad, tough life and i feel SORRY/PITY for her, but i could never be with a woman that has that much baggage.

usually that type of baggage leads them to being a huge whore, so i suspected her of that at first. of being very promiscuous, irresponsible, etc, cuz no good father figure.

as i came to know her i saw that she was responsible and non promiscuous. this caused me to like and trust her more.

where did it all go wrong? it really almost doesnt matter. if i had been direct and communicated about her New Boifran, or talked about my feelings to her, she probably STILL would have distanced herself from me and rejected me, maybe it would jsut happen a little softer. which would have been worth it hahaha.

anyway i guess the lesson is Always Be Communicating hahahaha.

if you have a female friend and she is NICE and you GET ALONG and she is not ugly, have A Talk every month or two months about if maybe you should try dating or Banging.

im not sure if i ever said “I COULD NEVER DATE HER”. i just said “ugh. that would be weird.”

i had other female friends and this was never a problem!!!!

is this a “when harry met sally” type thing? i dunno maybe. never saw that stupid movie. rob reiner is trash. i try not to watch trash. well theres way worse trash out there now on tv all the time.

when my female fren was with her original boifran, i was never jealous or envious. however when she ended it with him and started dating this other guy, someone secretly………….THEN i started to get envious or jealous.

pay attention to the jealousy! it can be the first start of feelings.

then i should said whats the deal with your new boifran your not telling me about? i am surprised you would date someone so quickly. unless its just a casual rebound thing and not serious. then wanna try dating me too? we could bang and cuddle and make out and im a lot moar fun than this guy. but yeah kinda sleazy of you to have secs with two guys at once, women worth dating dont do that hahahaha.

and then she coulda said hurrr durrr i dunno it just sorta happened i dunno and i like him.

then i would been like baby you just dont know what you want right now. why dont i take you dinner and we can hang out and you can tell me all about everything and we can cuddle.

hehehe thats pretty manipulative isnt it. yes it is.

well as long as we were hanging out and talking. that would be the main thing.

besides she DID rush too fast into the rel with the new guy. fall in love with some guy she didnt even know. come on.

so talking and communicating would have done us no good. then i just wish she had liked me hahahahaha and wanted to spend time with me and cuddle and talk and make out and have luving relship secs hahahaha. oh god.

well i am not gonna contact her of course! i have my one month chip as of yesterday. bet she feels stupid. she thought i would be a creepy stalker! and i told her i wasnt! and indeed i wasnt! idiot slut. hahahaha.

but yeah i romanticized the good times. we had like 10 good times which was respectable, but i built them up so much! well really for a while every time i saw her was a good time. but we really didnt hang out enough ever. we didnt hang out as much as Good Friends should hang out. then i fell in luv with her and wanted to hang out more, and then she didnt want to hang out AT ALL. i wanted to hang out MORE, she wanted to hang out LESS. bad sign.

she was nicest to me when she was going out with the first boifren! which made me feel a little weird. like yeah i really lke you being nice to me, but… you want to cheat on your boifran with me? thats wrong, i know you know its wrong. but i wish i could help you because he should be treating you better. i could treat you better, just end it with him first.

then she ended it with him and started datng someone else!

then that ended and i really started pushing! and she got my signal and then started pulling away from me. no dating for me hahahaha.

anyway it is sad to think we were never as close as i thought we were. that something was always off.

well its true the timing was always a little off but i think she appreciated the Rel at one point. july 2014 was one of those high points.

anyway the real reason it ended was because she didnt have feelings for me. period. also she was not willing to talk about the relationship because she knew the talk was gonna be abotu my feelings, whic she didnt share, so it was OVER. nothing to talk about really.

i wish it were different hahahaa that she did have feelings. i would have been very good to her.

anyway i like the idea that when you enter a relationship with somebody, you accept certain RESPONSIBILITIES. for example, fidelity, loyalty, not cheating, and indeed putting them on a kinda pedestal, because they are special to you, and you gladly sacrifice other Romantic Opportunities.

but people dont want these RESPONSIBILITIES any more.

i hate responsibilities too, but in the case of a rel with someone i luv, the word would not have negative connotation. i would GLADLY take those responsibilities because i luv them and want to be with them and ONLY them.



no contact is best contact hahaha. ok no more contact. has it even been a month since i sent her The Final Email? I hope so.

ok i sent it aug 17, and so it was automatically deleted form my trash folder.

so, exactly one month today of no contact! good for me hahahaha.

of course reading mub breakup book “getting past your breakup”  learned that in some NC situations, the person DOES respond to you, and youre supposed to not respond to them. or maybe say “i want to go no contact, i am not going to respond to you any more. please do not expect a reponse from me. we need a clean break” or some shit.

it looks like SHE wants to go no contact with me!

but yeah its weird its like she was in love with me and i broke her heart the way she is acting!

i hate that thought. but it cant be true because if she were in love with me, then she would have Accepted Muh Invitation to the Dance Of Luv, and would have Melted when I confessed my feelings to her, and said yes yes yes i luv you too! rather than just going away.

when you are in a completely shitty dysfunctional relationship that needs to end, perhaps even abusive, or there is a huge power imbalance (i def had that, she had all the power, i was begging like a beggar from the queen); then the person who is being abused or at least just being shit on always finds a way to BLAME THEMSELF: “If i werent so shitty, if i didnt make this one mistake, then they would treat me better. i caused them to do this. i made them beat me because i was stupid and did something wrong and deserve this punishment. its my fault. i caused this.”

i definitely fall in to this trap! i think I am the root cause, that i started this, by being Pushy and Weird, therefore i deserved and caused her to react the way she did.

well in a true healthy relationship, she would want to communicate and talk, she would be willing to do that, rather than just Packing Her Bags and Checking Out.

Relationships involve some responsibility and even sacrifice, in the sense that you have to think of your partners feelings sometimes. its not all about you hahahaha. you have to care about them and not want to see them hurting. you have to be there for them. you want to help and support them. if they are begging for support from you that you are not giving…..not a good sign.

so very  simply, she was not interested in being in a rel!

i had already committed. i guess i committed back in october. but she never committed. she didnt HAVE to of course. thats a decision only she can make. it was just hard for me accepting that decision, plus i always wanted to hope for the best.

so yeah she never agreed to any committment or responsibility or sacrifice, so i cant really be mad at her right.

well i still say that our friendship obligated her to certain responsibilities, like talking to me when the friendship was in trouble.

anyway i was trying to say that in some no contact cases, the person who broke your heart contacts YOU or does respond to you. and that can result in various stuff: them wanting to be friends, or you arguing and things getting REALLY ugly.

well if she contacted me i would luv it, especially if she said “i was so wrong i really want to have a rel now” then i would say yes yes yes yes!

yeah it would have been WORSE if we had actually Gone Out! and done all sorts of stuff, and her showing me Love even more intense that the Niceness she had shown me in the past; and i would have even more Good Stuff connecting me to her…..and then if she were to sweep all that away and fall out of luv, yeah that would have been even worse.

so yeah it could have been way worse!

in my case, it NEVER REALLY BEGAN!

but it still hurts anyway becuase i DID know the person and were were (used to be) really friends. not just someone you pseudo date and fook for a few short months.

i was closer to her in our nondating friendship, for much longer, than i was to girls i pseudodated.

and pseudodating is the only kind of dating i know hahahaha! i would have liked to Actual Date muh female friend, but IT WASNT MEANT TO BE hahahahaa

i dont think she was released from her responsibilities-as-a-friend the moment i got more-than-friend feelings, ie, i no longer had the right to communicate with her, and she no longer has the responsibility to communicate with me. it was relevant to both of us to talk about How Our Relationship was changing. sure it was my “Fault” for getting feelings, but i dont apologize for that.

the book says people can jump into a new rel without resolving the lingering grief or pain from previous rels or losses or whatever. hahahaha this is not possible for low status men who are lucky to ever have a brief pseudodating rel with a woman hahahaha and then many years of single loneliness in between.

of course if you have a rewarding career its easier to be single and confident and secure….but the majority of people dont have rewarding careers.

i guess a Rich Social Life could also be good and confidence building. my social life is OK, but its certainly not at its strongest. when i was younger, i had more people i was closer to, whereas now, i seem to have more Walls Up and not willing to make a deeper connection.

i like to build up these Monstrous Fictions of peoples lives, just when people watching, and ASSUME THE WORST about them, when i have NO IDEA.

therefore i think everybody is a degenerate soulless nihilist cheater chav pleb idiot moron evil stupid filthy animal……..even though i have NO evidence.

example i caught myself in yesterday: i was sitting in the car finishing a Voice Recording before going into trivia and i saw two people from a Rival team pull up and go in, and i began concocting the Horror Story and telling it right then and there:

oh he’s a dorky beta male, but probably gainfully employed, no major emotional probs, not fat, he just looks kinda nerdy with his beard and glasses, but he is prob the perfect beta male, and theres his gurlfran with him, who seems like a nice person, but she is NOT ATTRACTIVE AT ALL, how can he be attracted to her??? because shes a nice person, and the only hope for a beta male, who is 1000000 times more successful and well adjusted and normal than me btw, for a longterm rel, is with an Unattractive Woman! I mean he is better looking than HER for gods sakes, those types of things bother me.

well maybe its not a monogamous rel, maybe they have agreed on an open rel where he can get action on the side, as well as her.

or maybe they have the worst kind of open rel, where he IS attracted desperately to an unattractive woman, but she’s not really attracted to HIM, and SHE wanted to have the open rel so SHE could get some Strange Dick on the Side, and he desperately agreed because it was the only way he could be with her in ANY way! and she is enjoying 10 strang dicks a day and he’s lucky if he’s had even 1 Outside Fling out of this Open Rel.

see? automatically assuming the worst, and often with huge anti-woman themes, or the woman is the villain, women more evil and degenerate than men, etc.

so i caught myself right there while i was recording it and said well maybe not. maybe they are just a happy, normal, boring couple, the end.

but yeah i always make up these ridiculous worst case scenario stories in my mind.


ask yourself, do i have ANY EVIDENCE for this ridiculous story im concocting?

probably not.

ok time to try out the new 3.6 miler hahahaha.

ok did that. not bad. beautiful day.

she not unfair because she didnt luv me, she was unfair in the way that she just threw me and our whole past away without….not “closure” per se, but rather not treating our relationship with the respect and dignity it deserved, in my opinion. we had a good friendship and it would have been hard to lose that even in a peaceful way. its like when a good person dies, you pay your respects at their funeral and grieve for them. you dont just throw them in a ditch and forget abotu them. something of value was lost.

for me more was lost than the friendship, but SHE still lost the friendship TOO and should have been more affected by that.  SHOULD hahahahaha see people like us get into the SHOULDS hahahaha. no nobody should do anything, you cant expect shit out of even your friends, dont trust anybody ever. sounds kinda NIHILISTIC hahahaha.

man linkedin is the worst shit ever.

i also am jealous of the woman being more successful at our shitty job than me. it was a weird job. it wasnt shitty shitty. it was the best job many people there had ever had. many 40+ people who were just recently completing Bachelors Degrees in INformation Technology from Devry or Southern New Hampshire College, rather than the Successful Middle Class Thing, wchih is complete a Computer Science Degree from at least a Second Tier Skool by age 22 and immediately start getting good experience.

(note well: i think the quality of education provided by some “crap online” college is just as good as that of a Normal Second Tier Brick and Mortar U. its just that the online skools are an even bigger scam because they cost more, and because employers unfairly discriminate against these people and filter out god damn candidates who have these skools in their education. and then you see people weeping with tears of joy for gettng their college degree in these commercials. absolutely disgusting.)

so many people would just not walk out of the job like i did, because it is the Best Job they’ve ever had!

it paid well but i was that desperate to get away from the female. plus i was resentful in that she was not willing to give me any more moral support on the job. she started out doing well at this, but the well ran dry. i resented her for saying bullshit like “just take it as it comes” and “dont let it bother you” when i wanted her to give me concrete technical tips to deal with the confusing shit.

then i got passive aggressive and would intentionally ask her ridiculous technical questions and she would say i dunno lol and i would say but its your job lol i just got one of these questions lol and basically wanted to point out that i was smarter than her and knew the job better.

this was after things started officially going downhill. because i really resented her refusing to hang out or talk to me.

out of the 10 months i was in luv with her, the first 3 or 4 months were “good”, and the rest was bad. first it was fresh and fun and exciting, the butterflies, warm fuzzies etc, then it got Crazy Making, because it wasnt going anywhere and i couldnt talk to her. thats when i started doing that passive aggressive shit. yeah it was wrong but still i dont think i deserved muh treatment.

so she got her moral support from other people and i was jealous; she greatly reduced the moral support she gave me and i was jealous; i got good moral support from other people, smart men who were full of smart technical insights, but i still resented her withdrawing.

sure i was leaning on her too much. i was treating her like muh lover when she had never agreed to anything of the sort. so yeah i did bring this all on myself hahaha i am the root cause, i made her do this hahahaha.

lesson learned is same as it ever was: just tell them about your feelings as soon as possible, within 3 or 4 months at the latest. period. otherwise it will just get ridiculously ugly. especially if you work together. in close proximity. in a very stressful, confusing, stupid job.

that pushes weak insecure people like me to their breaking point and then they quit!!!

so yeah i was wrong for being passive aggressive to her. im not even sure if she realized it though. by that time she was very obtuse and hard to read.

plus our job was to know technical shit. i asked ridiculous technical questions to my male moral supporters and they didnt mind.

i mean i didnt like being so weak and insecure that i NEEDED so much moral support. but it WAS a tough job and a CENTRAL PART of it was people getting CONFUSED and I DUNNO ALL THE TIME, that you NEEDED a chat room of Knowledgeable Smart Experienced People to Give Advice ALL DAY. Level 2’s advising the level 1’s because the level 1’s dont know the answer. this was normal.

well if it was up to me, the level 2s would be walking around helping you in person rather than the STUPID chat room.

and it would be easier to transfer a call to a level 2 rather than bang your head against the wall trying to figure something out that you didnt know while the caller was waiting for you to fix it as quickly as possible. and they dont understand this is normal, for people to not really know what they’re doing all day. but it is. it is really hard to adapt to. i dont know how i adapted to it. probably the moral support of muh female friend. then i started liking her, then the moral support stopped. damn.

oh well. its over and i have 1 full month of no contact now. but she is making shit tons of money now and i am making jack shit and will probably never get another job that pays that well again. never mind that job was not enough to own a home or have a family or live the upper working class american dream! and the health insurance SUCKED, and it was better NOT to get it, and only kicked in after ONE YEAR, which at least 60% of hires don’t make it to. that is the kind of place it was.

another 3.6 miler. not bad hahaha. ideally i will do one more.  got to get the 10 miles today.

now here comes the Misanthropic Contempt again, the Spite Towards Humanity, which i had before i was in luv, and which the luv sort of takes the edge off. well i think that our Platonic Rel kinda took the edge off of that too, since now i knew an Actual Woman who wasnt Degenerate Nihilistic Disgusting Promiscuous Stupid Scum like Crabs In A Bucket. or Maggots or Roaches Or Rats in a Bucket. disgusting vermin writhing and crawling all over each other hahahaha.

this is why its good to have female friends, so that women are more Human to you. yeah. so i would think welp its nice to know ALL women arent like that, like my female friend is a decent nice human being. wonder why i am not in luv with her. hmm. hahahahaha. then she ended with her longterm boifran and immed started dating a new guy and then i was in luv with her hahahaha.

now im like oops i was the bad guy and i caused this and i made her and i deserve this, because i was passive aggressive.

yeah not my finest hour.

if you start being passive aggressive then its time to blurt it out, thats a sign that things have gone bad. and they had. this was well after month 3.

uhh what if you do if youve already been rejected and you are being passive aggressive to the gurl.

uhhh i havent done that for 10 years, when i was in college hahaha and actually had cute gurls in the social circle, and they might reject me, or give me no signals, and i would “punish” them by being passive aggressive, getting drunk and being bitchy, becuase i didnt like being attracted to people who werent attracted to me hahahaha.

well they say to REJECT THE REJECTOR and i like that a lot!

meaning, dont seek approval from someone who doesnt approve of you, if they are gonna reject you, then you go ahead and reject them! you dont want someone who doesnt want you!

and then try to go no contact hahahaha.

i am thinking of a “mini crush” i had in 2005. i wasnt in luv with the gurl but i wouldnt mind some casual secs with her cuz she was qt. but i didnt have the charisma or Fun To Be Around to make college gurls want to have casual sex, and i got jealous when she showed interest in other men but not me. i had already been rejected by like 3 gurls that year hahahaha. so i know i got drunk and was bitchy to her, in the bitchy way that a beta male is to a woman who rejects him.

well, rejection is never fun for anyone and it is ok to be angry about it. but the problem is getting bitchily angry at them.

its probably ok to have a mature conversation with them and be like im sorry but i am kinda angry at you because when you say this i feel this and i know thats not what you mean, but lets talk about this and hug it out bitch hahahahahaha but honestly i did nt have great communication with this gurl either.

well i never hung out with her one on one and never got to know her and never spent a lot of time with her. i had less than 1% the connection i had with woman2015. so really i never communicated well on any level with this one gurl, we had no connection or no communication at all.

so big difference with woman2015, i did commuincate with her very well at the start. we talked a lot, and talked very easily, and became actual friends. none of that happened with that above college gurl.

just using an example hahahaha. from my life of failure with wimmin hahahaha.

MASTER OF FAILURE hahahaha (credit millennial woes). no success whatsoever. well, i have pseudodated gurls short term, and also had long term female friends hahahaha.  so therefore i am not a total woman hater. i am desperate to not be a woman hater. i have had SEVERAL female friends where i was friends with them for like 2 years, maybe more. like i had female friends when i was in college and i never fell in luv with them!

anyway real misogynists like elliot rodger never have any female friends ever. you cant be friends with a woman on a human level if you hate all women!

also i get along well with older menopausal women hahahaha.

however, all the women i became actual friends with, were NEVER UGLY. i wonder if this means something. i might not have been attracted to them at the time, like back in the day i was actively pursuing other women when i made my female friends; but they were never ugly. i do wonder about that. why didnt i even make friends with an ugly, completely unattractive woman?

well thats kinda ridiuclous to say. i mean its hard enough to make friends to begin with, LET ALONE women friends. so now i should turn down a female friend becuase she’s not UGLY enough? hell to the no!

i dont think you should be too rational or too emotional. i do think some emotion and irrationality is a good thing, as bad as it sounds. but 70 30, or 60 40 at the most hahaha.

with rational being the bigger number of course!

so degenerate, soulless, evil, nihilistic modern women simply have no respect for human life. at all. life is garbage to them. the way they treat human beings. replace them, dispose of them, murder their own children, play with loaded guns, let strangers try to reproduce with them casually, kill those offspring casually, revolving door of those strangers, they are like sociopathic rats.

well lets challenge this poisonous hateful misogynistic narrative. i dont really BELIEVE that, do I?

of course not! but it kinda feels like this sometimes.

moral of the story, have TWO female friends in case you fall in luv with one of them. then that can fail and go to hell, but you will still have another female friend to convince you that not all women are soulless evil, and that you are not a hatefull, violent, abusive woman hater! because otherwise you wouldnt have a female friend!

because women haters cant have female friends, ugh. because. /sarcasm.

hehehe. this is the type of collegefag middle class marxist response where you give them a huge slap on the face with yo dick. becuase they are just trying to troll you and nothing you can do or say will keep you from being a woman hater, even if you volunteer 80 hours a week at an abused womens shelter. then you would be treating women as “charity volunteer porn fetish objects and dehumanizing them” or something.

but yeah its a lot easier to fool yourself into thinking youre a horrible woman hater IF you have no female friends. otherwise you could jsut ask your female friend am i a woman hater, and she would say of course not, dont be ridiculous.

thats the other thing about being a depressed anxious depressed master of failure. is that you question your own judgement. you just dont know if you are right. you are not confident you are right. because youve been wrong SO MANY TIMES before. even if you are pretty smart. youve still been so wrong about so many things. important things. life decisions. jobs, skool, relationships. you being pretty smart has not kept you for being horribly wrong on so many things.

so you doubt your own judgment. you feel your judgement is somehow IMPAIRED. like with drugs or alcohol.

well my judgment was right about other things. like i dont think it was a bad decision to fall in luv with female friend. it wasnt really a decision anyway, plus it also pretty much made sense: i had known her for a long time, she had a lot of good qualities, not a lot of bad qualities.

also i managed to do pretty good at my stupid job, where you have to think and bullshit on your toes, live by your wits, and only the strong survive, and i did, so therefore i was strong.

oh yeah got the 10 miles in. 10.8 actually hahahaha. still fat. need to bump it up.

cant get a 10DAH job, cant get a woman under 30 who hasnt take 30000 cox and had 30000 abortionz, soulless evil nihilist sociopaths hahaha, but i can walkjog 10-12, 12-14, 14-16 miles a day and move from fat to skinny.

i am not so autistic and weird that i dont have friends thank god. however i am not super duper close to them, i kinda want CLOSENESS, and i used female friend for that, and had a fantasy world where we were really close,  i wanted to be CLOSE to her. she decidedly did NOT want that. that sucked hahaha. but the fantasy of closeness was convincing and made me feel like i WAS close to her, when i wasnt. now i dont feel close to anyone! well my new male friend from my job i quit, i had/have a mancrush on him, feel a connection and a closeness that is kinda like what im looking for, and he is fun and we get along and he makes me feel normal and not a psycho weirdo hahaha.

my other friend has so many problems and kinda disappoints me so i dont WANT to be too close to him!

i have other friends that i do trivia with but….. i dunno. i dont feel motivated to hang out with them outside of trivia! i like them just fine, and trivia is fun, but….i dunno. me and my damn connection and spark and all that shite. i dont really want to get any closer there!

basically the only person i wanted to even GET close to was her. and i was harshly rejected there of course. with extreme prejudice! didnt expect that out of a person i had know for 2.5 years, didnt seem part of her character. incongruous. dissonant hahaha. have i said this hahaha.

in the military i would be a DESERTER.

although i would not have deserted her, or any other woman i LOVED hahaha.

skills gap. weird. all these unemployed people are unemployable because they just dont have the SKILLS needed for minimum wage jobs.

are the stupid college not giving the skills? or are they? where do you get the god damn skills employers want? if its not college, then why go to college? so many people going to college and getting their degrees in their 30s 40s and 50s and they STILL get the shittiest jobs. on the phone all day being confused for 12DAH and no health care hahahaha.

kids going into college dont know how to read or write. kids graduating college dont have the skills to get an entry level job. wtf. this is what will lead to a revolution among the young. some awesome neoreactionaries. i can get into this movement. but its already a young mans thing, and they woudl be able to steal any cute young gurls from me hahaha i wish i was young again! thats what i really want. but it is not possible. cannot be done.

but yeah it sucks to be Cognitively Compromised just because you are Emotionally COmpromised. because being able to THINK STRAIGHT QUICKLY is essential to survival and employment. and mating. cuz you gotta be FUN TO BE AROUND for women to like you hahaha.

i have always been SEEKING WOMENS APPROVAL.

well isnt that kind of good and normal?

i see it as part of being a Social Animal and you need different kinds of Social Ties: Family, Friends, and then Special Luv Relationships.

heh. i mean i think its ideal to have more women in your life than only your mother hahahaha. even if you get along with your mother.

then its good to have female friends.

then its good to have female Special Friends.

so i am not Misguided as to what i think is degenerate: casual sex, cheating, throwing people away, hedonism, abortionz, partying, but i might be overestimating where/who i see that, that is, thinking someone is a degenerate when i dont really have any evidence of degen behavior.

WHERE IS THE EVIDENCE, ask yourself.

i mean sometimes there is evidence of course, like when you know this gurl has fooked all these guys. you know which damn guys by name. she has fooked antonio and biff and charlie and dougie and leroy and rodney and tyrone and jamal and mohammed and iqbal and jorge and horxo and javier and  etc hahahaha.

yes i am ashamed of many things abotu myself but i am not ashamed to be a racist ahahaha.

anyway, always ask for the evidence when you make a story about somebody being a degenerate.

more for your OWN benefit than for THEIR benefit. because it eats away at you to be so hateful and misanthropic. but sometimes its hard NOT to be!!!!  this is probably part of the Cognitive Distortions of derpression i suppose.

but yeah employers want critical thinking and all that bullshit that useless degrees like the humanities claim to teach you “CRITICAL THINKING” but they dont, because you cant even get a 12DAH job that wants you to use CRITICAL THINKING.

so yeah i think critical thinking is a good thing in the sense that it is actually intelligent logical complicated abstract complex smart thinking, and not marxist relativist degenerate nihilist nothing is right nothing is wrong there are no values, there is no meaning. etc.

and dont confuse critical thinking with critical THEORY, in which there is NO actual critical thinking. critical THEORY is marxist graduate skool bullshit, total nihilism, that wants to deconstruct everything because its racist and oppressive and its ok to be a soulless nihilist sociopath killing your babies and throwing away your family and friends like rats squirming as they get drowned in a bucket.



aug 5

yep whats done is done. so it was all my fault for not communicating empathically. well the same thing could be said of her qua me i suppose. she could have said he’s really worried and wants to talk about something important, sure he’s annoying and pushy but we used to be decent friends, so, humor him this one time and let him say what he wants to say.

but she gets a pass on not being empathic because she is going thru tuff times in her life, tuffer than i am. yet i’m the one who goes cray cray and quite my job. which she probably sees as a sign of cray cray, and now im gonna spend all my time stalking her.

fook that shit! aw hale no! hale to the no! but i am spending all my time thinking about and obsessing about her, does that count lol.

no i am trying to do other stuff to, like powerjog and maybe eventually lose this weight, so i can get casual secs from single momz and cougarz after i lose enough weight to pull them hahahaha.

i had a good upbringing and family yet i was always very sensitive, weak, shy, reserved, cautious, risk averse, change averse, etc. i hear a large amount of that is Inborn, like your Inborn Temperament. So I certainly had a fair amount of that. then I think General Life Stress and Anxiety came to the fore in my teen years and that Triggered Me (Trigger Warning is Triggering hahahahaha). it wasnt any one thing in particular, no one stressful event that pushed me over the edge, like death or abuse or anything. maybe just sense of being overwhelmed by everything.

which certainly came back again recently, there was sense of being generally overwhelmed all the time at job, but there was the main event of the “breakup” with her which pushed over the edge. cant even really call it a “breakup” because we never Dated, but it feels like my damn beloved wife of 50 years has died!!!!

so people find that hard to understand, how you can have such deep feelings for somebody without even dating them. fine i get that. i just luv that much more deeply son, i luv gurls i’ve never dated more than most married peopel love their husbands/wives.

and now i am overwhelmed by the task of rebuilding the life from Rock Bottom. ridiculous because i have a Support System of family, shrink, the things I try to do to be healthy, muh medz i take desperately.

but yeah DESPERATION has always been a big feature ever since shit age 21 22 or so, past 10 years. desperate for female luv, desperate for a job any job, sick of being rejected over and over and over again by jobs and women, and just spending long years in periods of total rejection and not bouncing back.

well i had a chance here with this job, but kinda blew it. i might have had a chance with the woman in the past, and if i did, i certainly blew that as well.

would things be better if she had communicated with me and told me no? i think they would a little bit! might make it easier to sleep at night, easier to ACCEPT that its over, harder to live in DENIAL, harder to fall into the trap of “maybe there will be a chance 3, 6, 12, 24, 48 months from now etc” ye gods. i really dont want to fall into THAT trap.

hey maybe i am just bipolar. that could fookin be. i’ve never really had a MANIC state ever though. I am jsut crippling derpressed all the time, even when i am at a relative peak!

as i was cleaning shit out of closets, throwing tons of shit away in an attempt to do ANYTHING productive apart from Jogging, i’ve got like TONS of books and videos and shit that i can donate to goodwill, salvation army, purple heart that kind of thing. if one person can get enjoyment out of one thing that is better than it sitting in a box never being touched or looked at! i see old books i had enjoyed as a child and think DAMN I could enjoy books back then, maybe i wasnt ALWAYS soo fooked up! and then i give the book away hahaha.

kinda feel like nick cage in leaving las vegas where he throws out everything in his house into 100 garbage bags, burns all his pictures of his wife and kids and family, literally trying erase his own past, and then he sets off to drink himself to death. very very powerful movie in some parts. not sure its A Perfect Movie, but it does have some perfect scenes which kill me and prevent me from watching it too regularly. like when he throws everything out and burns the photos. god damn.

so i kinda feel like that a little when cleaning out my shit. like SHOULD I really be throwing all this away? dont I want to save ANYTHING for posterity? WHAT posterity?!!! So cleaning shit out is generally good but of course I worry if i’m taking it too far, like i do with many things.

or giving away my records which i used to enjoy, there were some pretty sweet records in there which carried some nostalgia. but the nostalgia reminded me mainly of the Lostness of my youth, and i didnt want to be reminded of that. Very Painful. Everything is Painful. It was too painful to see the woman every day knowing we were having irreconcilable differences and not talking, and then hear her talking in a friendly way to other people, when she used to be friendly to me……and now we dont talk AT ALL. very painful. incredibly painful. dont know how i will get over this pain wthout being permanenly broken and damaged hahaha.

see this is exactly why writing is bad.

im back again. gotta stop this. this is UP FROM lazy loserness, not Run it deeper into the rock bottom of abject loserness! how to STOP being a lazy loser, not how to keep being a huge lazy loser wallowing in freakish misery and despair forever!

but i should put it in my mission statement, that it helps the WORLD to have a chronicle of this despair, so that people can maybe understand better their Loved Ones who Suffer From Derpression hahahahaha. cuz truly normalfags JUST DONT GET IT.

but understanding and getting it is not as important as the Moral Loving Support right?

right, but I dont think understanding is BAD either!

when you are crippling derpressed you have no interest in anything. i seem to have been in a constant state of this for the past 10 years hahahaha. 12 years, maybe 14 years. rapidly approaching half my entire life. good god.

i thought a good woman or a good job would save me. preferably a good woman. but wouldnt know, have not experienced either yet lol.

there is the sense of Missing Milestones and Falling Behind your Peers: stuff like you, i dunno, get your first Serious Gurlfran at age 18 or so and bang like rabbits for 2 or 3 years; then have your wild oats phase; get a job in the city and enjoy the Bustle of City life with other Young People; struggle for a few years but still manage to make ends meet; a few years later but well before 30, get your Graduate Degree and/or a Good Job that you can see yourself staying with for a while and hopefully moving up; find a decent partner and start thinking about marriage; even most professional, successful normies I know were married by 30 at least, and I think women still have a sense of they want to be married by 30 at least. shit women probably actually want to have their first KID by age 29!

which is GREAT, I mean I think people should get married at 18-20 and start having kids THEN like they did back in the DAY! and by the time youre 30 you have 4 or 5 kids!

anyway i never reached any of those milestones and so in many ways still feel like an Angsty 16 Year Old stuck in a 30-35 year old mans body!

the most impressive thing ive done with my life was do very very good in high school, and then also graduate from a highly-regarded University. with a useless degree and a horrible work ethic. and its been all downhill from there hahahaha.

and i would be happy saying that the most impressive thing ive ever done with my life was find a nice low-number working class gurl who i truly loved, and then we got married, and life was not always easy, but we always Luved Each Other lol.

or literally everyone you know has had relships with women that have lasted YEARS, where they lived together and had secs many times, but the longest you did was 3 months in things which could not even be called legit relships.

anyway thats enough CHRONICLING hahahaha. but this is what its like, NORMIES. in this case tis better to talk than to write because when you talk, IMHO, you have a better chance of spinning things around, trying to end things on a positive note, which is necessary and good.

cant watch the news because the ridiculous spin makes me angry. plus im not allowed to have a political opinion because my mind is muddled. i try to get out and yesterday people were having an insanely interesting political discussion, that also revealed how knowledgeable and smart he was, to the extent of wow, you should be a political commentator or a politician for a CAREER man, you know so much and are clearly very passionate. then i thought of how i was not that knowledgeable or passionate about ANYTHING. I have my political biases and I never go out of the comfort zone, have grown weary of digging and digging and digging for the truth, and cling to the Far Right as my security blanket hahahaha.

but it showed me how this guy was a huge healthy happy normie and i was not. i just dont care about things that much or have that much interest in things. he had never been Touched By The Darkness of Derpression in other words hahahaha. but i like this guy, he is a great guy, also he leans towards the Right, so that’s fantastic hahahaha. and he is not a damn zionist or cuckservative hahaha. maybe a libertarian conservative hahaha. a true small gummint guy, and ridiculously smart. like lawyer politician grad skool smart, middle class smart, 100K a year + smart. but also a great guy who I think has a decent moral compass and wants to do the right thing. a great potential male friend in other words! these are the type of people i SHOULD be gravitating towards, but instead i see how awesome they are, and say damn i’m so far away from that, I dont DESERVE to be hanging out with awesome people like this! but i know better to be a damn debbie downer.

so yeah if you meet awesome people, uhhhh just try to ignore your thoughts like that, and just enjoy spending time with them.

however if you always feel intellectually inferior all the time to the people you hang out with, that can become a problem if you spend too much time with them, without addressing that issue. so i dont spend a ton of time with this guy. also having some similarities helps. like he seems to lean towards the Right and I have more in common with Rightists than Leftists, even if all im doing is unintelligent, emotional, bitter clinging. i would probably still lean towards the right even if i COULD think straight!!!!!

so yeah it helps to have SOME political similarity to the people.

but yeah might be time for another power walk jog. might have to bump it up to a full 40% jogging. it is healthier and better and more beneficial than THIS. THIS is hurting me!!!! the writing i mean. i should not be doing this!