BEING A GOOD PERSON DOESNT MEAN SH1T IN THE MATING MARKET

but it really SHOUDL hahahaha. also also in the job market for that matter. I mean it DOES really matter to me, and for the state of your soul. and it matters with your friends and family.  it just doesnt matter with women or jobs. and those are two VERY important markets in life.

aug 11

hisssss leave me alone lads hahahaha

heres the question, when going to a DOCTOR, should I trust a White WOMAN over a nonwhite MAN?

because i am now seeing this White Woman DO, GP, Fam Practice Doc for citalopram refills every 6 months. she is not bad, she is def white, but also def a WOMAN.

weird dreams last night, unfort heavy involvement of the woman. in it she was shrinking into a defenseless baby, but also refused to communicate.

but she also refused to run away. so she stayed around for whatever reason, maybe she was scared to leave, but she was staying, but she also wasnt saying ANYTHING and was being very moody and difficult and bitchy.

but she was STAYING and that was the important thing. I was being a bet niceguy tyring to comfort her saying its ok sweetie, i’ll be here fore you when you want to talk.

then there was this alpha male playing rock guitar and she looked at him and then I feared that that would be enough to make her leave me.

he was a white guy who i went to college with 10+ years ago and was never superfriends with, but he was a good guy and I got along with him. he was a rare Country Hick who went to the univ. He was very very smart, and into writing fiction (I think) and gambling. i feel he wasnt some kind of mindless marxist. i hear he went back to the middle of nowhere and did nothing with his life, much like me hahahaha. except i am not in the middle of nowhere hahahaha.

so she didnt leave me for him but i didnt like the interested way she looked at him!

it was kinda like when the loving person is trying to help some traumatized child who cant or wont talk. the child is staying with you, so that’s good……..but they aren’t being cooperative beyond that. and what if they did leave? youd feel shitty for investing so much of yourself in trying to help them, when obviously they resented it and you.

then the dream got really weird with lots of weird creature horror cronenberg type stuff, where she was shrinking into like a cat rat baby hiding in small dark spaces.

and then there was even weirder shit. this grotesque skeleton nun appeared displaying these poor animals she was torturing/K’ing by essentially skinning them down to the bone, while leaving as much skin on some parts of the body so as to keep them alive as long as possible. however the nun herself was a kind of animated, partially skinned human corpse, who was supposedly the father of another man in the dream, who was either supposed to be my Professional Partner in helping/treating That Woman (who by this time was a scrawny cat rat child)…..or something.

so anyway the mans father was partially skinned into a barely living human skeleton dressed up as a mockery of a catholic nun, who themself was doing a similar skinjob on these animals. cats and dogs. but the idea was, it wasnt of their free will, they were being controlled / possessed by some demon or devil like in the exorcist.

these are the types of dreams I have when I am at my average!!!!!! hahahahaha.

i think woman 2012 also made a cameo appearance, hahahahha.

ok got 60 minutes of power hour peak UVB vitamin D sun, 2:15 to 3:15.  1 to 2 would have been better but i was at the dr. i am hoping sunshine activated vitamin d is the magic bullet that cures everything wrong with me hehehe.

this was a great vidya from this poor lost soul.

now he does watch sarcuck of cuckad, and quotes a socialist at the end of this vidya, but uhhhh the points he makes in this vidya are unimpeachable. i just hope he isnt really a socialist. for the sake of his own soul!

anyway the interesting thing about that dream is, somebody can be unwilling to communicate with you, but theyre still willing to STAY WITH you. that is a nice bona fide. of course, maybe they’re just too scared to leave you, and as soon as they build the strength, they will leave you.

she was absolutely not willing to stay with me, in the sense that she was “with me” as a friend, somebody in my life that I talked to, texted, hopefully hung out with, but not any more.

but yeah i guess time really does heal all wounds, i can tell i WILL get over this SOMEDAY………..

…….it just takes a RIDICULOUSLY long time, like TWO YEARS of ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT. and by then, someone who was very important to you, who you wanted to be the mother of your children, will have faded away into a faded memory like all the other women. and then you will be a 35 year old loser who never had a proper GF and doesnt have a proper job and you know you will never find a nice 7/10 white 25 year old n<4 woman ever again.

oh yeah. got called for interview today. 12k a year job hahahaha. 12k. 11 dollars an hour, 20 hours a week. unbelieveable. but the job seems like it would be easy and stress free. back at the old employer i had from 2008-13. ideally would get the job and then be able to find Secret Internal Jobs, then get a FT one of those for 30k a year. The End. Life Goal Achieved.

the woman who called me sounded really confused and disoriented. she was clearly having a bad day. she sent me an email as discussed and it had some errors in it. i hope she was just having a bad day and this is not her average hahahaha becuase my average is WAY better than that hahahahaha. and she is making 30k a year. like some damn fatcat plutocrat factory owning capitalist hahahaha. how much does her HUSBANDO make.

the st andrean guy brings up an interesting point: back in the DAY, low level retail and cust serv people didnt have to THINK. “we dont pay you to THINK!” but now you have to demonstrate how you are a FAST and CREATIVE and GREAT THINKER UNDER PRESSURE for a damn 12 dah part time job. now you need to THINK FAST all day so you can solve customers problems and keep them from bitching at the manager.

then how do dumb negers get fast food and walmart jobs then?

affirmative action hahahahahahahaha.

and then i just remembered its HER birthday this month. but the good news is i didnt realize that until 10 days into the month hahahaha. now SHE is getting old. i wonder if she will have any mud baby Sprogs by the time she is 30. or if she will Abort the Sprogs and focus on her career.  yeah but a woman like her really NEEDS a MAN.  i wonder how many cox shes fooked in the past year. she used to be a beautiful person. “inside and out.” way to become a slut after age 25. so sad. hey u could married ME!!!!

and

basically i worry that SHE WAS THE BEST. I’LL NEVER FIND A BETTER WOMAN THAN HER. Young, Pure, Innocent, Nice, AND good looking. she was the FULL package. she just didnt luv me.

every woman I meet I will just end up comparing to HER, and SHE will beat them.

that’s my fear now. because as an old loser man, i don’t have any value in the mating market.

being a good person IS an important thing in life, with friends and family, in society……

but it doesnt mean SHIT in the mating market!

it doesnt mean SHIT in the market where New Human Life is created!

isn’t that weird?

Also what I’m assmad about at women is not just that they are going against their natural role……

but that they are so ENTHUSIASTICALLY, WILLINGLY rebelling against their natural role!

yes lets enjoy lots of casual sex! yes lets become powerful leaders in companies! yes lets have strong powerful careers and make big decisions! they LOVE it!

Whereas I am deviating from MY natural role as a MAN….but it wasn’t my CHOICE, and I SURE as hell dont LIKE it!!!!!

took some nyquil. then will go for walk num 2. was kinda useless today. zero job apps. not sure how that happened. i blame the dr appt, and also much hourlong walk in the afternoon. but really i think THAT is more important than doing an hour of jobsearching at that time.

also I get a lot of emails every day and it takes tiem just to scan them. i get SOME (not a lot) APPLY jobs out of these emails. it essentially takes the place of looking at the main indeed list.

also yesterday i learned that “stupid ghetto people” all use indeed. i chuckled and said really. just curious, what do nonghetto, smart people use? apperantly they use monster. this is coming from a Manager who hires and fires Ghetto people hehehehe.  i am more racist than him but he sees the reality more than I do! I guess he is just that concerned about not being thought of as a racist. i dont have that anxiety hahahaha.  i just have plenty of other anxieties. about my competence to do basic jobs and to mate with wimmin hahaha.

shit i wish i never met her. when will i ever get along that well with another woman again? of that high quality?

i mean yeah i can live without women, i can live without being close to a woman………but i got a TASTE of it……and i really liked it, and now i want MOAR. very much like when i pseudodated those gurls 10 years ago. different because this was more important, it wasnt psuedo anything, it was real, it was long term, there was an actual rel between people, and it hurt moar. but similar in that it gave me a tiny taste of something real good that  i knew I wanted MORE of. i didn’t want to go my whole life without experiencing that.

well maybe it will take ANOTHER 10 years.

i guess when i am 45, the 30 year old wimmin will look pretty damn hot hahahahahahahahaha.

now by that time, the women will have CERTAINLY taken a ot of dix and be crazier and be more duplicitous hehehehe.

who cares. i took some nyquil as usual every 2 or 3 days. took the full dose this time. around 6 pm. nice and early. hahahaha. recreational use of nyquil to feel numb and sleepy hours before going to bed. but yeah it really does impact your thinking. cannot think clearly at all. very sluggish.

so yeah writing becomes evn more shitty. but i guess its easier to not think negative thoughts. unless you get there automatically, then you dont have the mental energy to fight them off hahahaha.

george feels says he did his college at a crappy diploma mill and got a degree in “computer science.” he makes it sound like it was just as boring and easy and useless as high school. just coast thru, never really learn anything useful. and right now he is struggling to teach himself the C language. WTF DID HE DO DURING THIS COLLEGE? why wouldnt he learn C or C++ in a “computer science” program? maybe they did java or python hehehehe.

but it sounded like the shittiest college, he would have been better off going to damn community college.  i mean shit i learned enough about C++ and “computer science” at community college, learned enough to know i could never do this for a career, cuz the amount of stuff you had to know and master is STAGGERING. just to get a part time job hahaha.

i prefer what st andrean had to say. just dont go to college unless you are a GOD DAMN GENIUS, AND you have very good social skills, AND you are getting internships and networking with people working in the field, AND you go to a GREAT uni. so only go to college if ALL those are true. THought that was a great point.

tons of autist nerds are good at math, science, computers, but terrible socially. you need to be GOOD socially to turn your college degree into a career. the better socially, the better for your career.

so you really need to be great at everything. be the computer nerd with the charismatic social skills of don trump. i would think this is the very rare computer nerd hahaha.

or a guy like bill clinton is a disgusting degen sleazebag, but hes got GREAT social skills.

also we virgins never get to see what trump is like when he is seducing women. but shit an alpha male, at that point they are seducing HIM!

oh for gods sakes, that st andrean in exile guy shut his channel down TODAY. he had some honestly good stuff. i think he shut his own self down, because he did nto have any racist stuff. the powers that be still allow sexist stuff but not racist stuff. and sexist stuff is getting pretty big. i guess  shillary could try to shut it down but i just dont see it. but the race nut is a MUCH harder nut to crack than the secs nut. all these woman hating mgtows who are too scared to become racists hahaha.

aug 12

ok. 10.13 am and i have cleared out my 13 or 14 new emails from overnight. all job related stuff. i gotta get rid of some of these alerts hahaha. right now i have such a “backlog” of APPLY jobs, I can really only afford to add jobs if I classify them as “APPLYYYYYY”, ie, they are obvious standouts.

WE DONT PAY YOU TO THINK!

well in 2016 you must think of bullshit to keep your angry customers pacified, because your company is so LEAN that they cut corners everywhere and give shitty product, shitty service, creating tons of unhappy customers. and you have to THINK FAST and BULLSHIT in order to RETAIN those unhappy customers.

make promises and excuses when you dont even know what youre talking about. well have it for you as soon as possible. the price PROBABLY wont go up. oh it did? oops you got unlucky. it is what it is, you dont have to be happy about it, better luck next time!

i dunno. i just think the best “company culture” is when they are SERIOUS about giving good service to their CUSTOMERS, AND they are SERIOUS about treating their lowest employees well. namely giving them good training and helping them serve the customers well. not just bullshitting, and excuses, and runarounds, and avoiding, and passing the buck, and kciking the can, and saying we dont do that, or we have no record of that, or no, call them back, they are wrong, we really DONT do this, or we dont do that, talk to your manager, i did, he said call you, then call your managers manager.

where managers are there ONLY to make things “LEANER” and they dont know SHIT about how to actually do the work of the department. and they have been brought in from outside. ALWAYS PROMOTE FROM WITHIN. how hard is this to understand.

these anti-management attitudes of mine make me a borderline socialist, that and i am generally against Wanton Greed, and I am also against Wanton GROWTH where the growth is unsustainable. but you have to keep up with inflation goy.

1% growth isnt good enough when inflation is 3%! is that the idea??!?!?!?!

drinking weak coffee and my stomach is churning and gurgling extremely loudly and frequently.

went to store and picked up new refill of citalopram and some groceries.

i honestly dont know how ALL people are not RED PILL. just going to the superstore is BLACK PILLING. maybe its just too much. i mean you dont want to BLACK pill people. then they dont even care about red pill blue pill anymore, and become one of those fat mouth breathing zombies you see at the supermarket.

did see some qt 16 year old girls there with their Moms tho hahahahahaha.

shit i am probably old enough to be their FATHER hahahaha.

all these fookin jobs are for Seniors and Leads and Managers……………….

WHY ARENT YOU HIRING FROM WITHIN?

well PROBABLY they WILL end up hiring from within, which is good, they just HAVE to post the job externally.

ok fine…….BUT WHERE ARE THE POSTINGS FOR LEVEL 1 PEOPLE????!?!?!?!?!?

the postings for level 2 and above seem to outnumber the postings for level 1 by like 2 or 3 to 1…….AT LEAST.

too many chiefs, not enough indians!

now level2 and level3 aren’t “managers” per se. they are more subject matter experts, ie, people who ACTUALLY know what they’re doing. the people you really wish you could talk to , but you cant, because they only work on escalated cases, and advising stupid level 1s.

MOST level 2’s i worked with were good as hell, they deserved their status. about 30% didn’t.

but even the good ones weren’t necessarily Good to the level 1s who wanted their help.

thankful to be able to go out at 1pm for powerwalk in peak of days sun hahaha.

partly cloudy unfort but should still get some sun.  i guess it can break through the clouds somewhere. wheres a level 2. an SME hahaha.

i cant believe MORE average people dont go MAD from the ridiculous demands of Work. i mean these deamnds do not seem fulfillable by the average person! these unreasonable demands! so I guess i am a bit jelly of all these normies who go to work and don’t go crazy. they just turn into fat stupid assholes. black pill hahahaha.

heh. these employers HIDE BEHIND their PORTALS. I am trying to apply to hospital job and it errors out when i try to upload res. over and over. so now I just have to WAIT until they fix it. theyre probably not even AWARE of it. and theres no way to report it.  but it was just working an hour ago, because i applied to a job at that time.

its a god damn ridiculous oracle people soft type system that is stupid as fook. always signing out, buttons and links dont work, its fooked. i really dont want to clear cookies and all that. i guess its not a big deal because i just have it reopen all tabs automiatically.

so yeah i am pretty much planning to go to this labor day thing with old college friends. should be pretty fun. i mean most of them are all successful and shit but who cares, they are nice people and thats all that matters.

also one of the guys is not a super duper YUGE winner like the others hahaha. and he is still a super duper great guy.

is it considered a good bullshit detector if you think everything is bullshit? you are so sensitive to bullshit you think EVERYTHING is bullshit? even stuff that isnt bullshit?

yeah well most stuff IS bullshit, so can you blame me for thinking EVERYTHINGS bullshit?

so i got impatient, clicked on use previous resume, then accidentally forgot to click on i am over 18, and then it Disqualified me, now I cant apply for the job AT ALL. I try to do it again and says sorry you cant. FOOOOOCCKKKK. it gives you a phone number to call. i am not gonna call it unless i am blocked from applying to OTHER jobs.  SOOOOO stupid.

OHHH rejected for MAIL CLERK job at other hspital ive sent 40 applications to. wouldnt be the first time ive been rejected for mail clerk hahahaha. sorry, FILE clerk. hmm only took 2 days for them to reject me. 2 days since i applied.

NO i dont spell shit wrong in my Packet!!!! like i do here. there, everything is perfect.

all these companies send rejection letters on friday from 430 to 5 pm hahahaha. i wonder why this is hahahahaha.

also, just because HR for the big company sends you a rej letter for one job, doesnt mean they’ll send you one for all jobs at that company.

i obviously need to take my Main Standards of:

25 years old

n<4

7/10

and Walk Them Back a bit. but how much? I would say just a tiny bit at a time, until someone reaches the New, Lower Standard hahahaha. so lets make the new standard n<5. that will make the pool a little larger hahaha.

its not like i have 100 applications to pick from hahahaha. i have 0 applications to pick from.

oh noes, katie ledecky is at least 25% JOOISH. so if i had children with her, they would be 12.5% jooish. is that too much? kind of. I would prefer my children be less than 6.25% nonwhite.

i looked her up because i kind of liked her weird horseface and maybe she even sort of reminded me of That Woman in having a weird face that doesnt seem like it should be qt. WELL, wait until she is 30 or 40! wont be so qt any more!

fathers side is from czech. mother is half j00ish. yikes. and she herself is a “roman catholic”. YIKES.

does michael phelps wife let him fook rando gurls when hes at the olympics?

is he even married? i thought he was and he def has a keed. i hope they dont have an open marriage.

like he didnt get enough action BEFORE he was married!

customer service. jeez. i just cant do it ALL DAY LONG. maybe put me on phones for 1 hour….but then have me switch on and off, on and off. customers 1 hour, no customers next hour, then back on, then back off etc. but all customers for 8 hours is just holy shit. its like private pyle trying to survive the military. the military would be EASIER. how do people do this and not K themselves moar?

i MIGHT be able to WITHSTAND if i had a good waifu to build me up at the end of the long day…..but good waifus dont like guys who cant handle tuff situations all day. they dont like such WEAK men.

well remember, george feels worked at best buy geek squad for like 2 months MAX because he was too anxious about the customers and not feeling like he was trained to handle it. cuz the training was minimal, classic swim or sink thrown to the wolves shit. george freaked out and quit, and then got his awesome job at the liberry where he continues to work today.

he says that now he might try to tough it out at best buy a little longer to force himself to get better with people.

its all in this one, good summary of george telling his life story.

i think its something we shuld all do, to try to get perspective. you can see the link on the right side where i started doing Muh Life Story and then put it on this blog. cant remember the lessons i learned. oh yeah. much like george, i reaped what i sowed, and i failed to nip shit in the bud when i was young. i just ignored them and did stupid shit and assumed that everything would turn out all right as long as i got a college degree. NOPE.

yeah realy i wish there were like 2 classes in high school preparing you how to deal with customers ALL DAY. how to deal with their stupid bullshit. them bitching about CONFUSING stuff and how you could work under pressure and answer to the most ridiculous bullshit. certainly high school COULD prepare you for that….but it didnt. like put you in simulations where you could have a Safe Word to get out if you got too flustered. and just practice practice practice. like practicing a SPORT. you PRACTICE 10 times more than you actually have official matches. you practice so you’ll be ready for the match/game/competition/tournament. i wish i had done that in order to prepare for customers on the job.

heh. i would prob quit geek squad too georgie boy! i cant blame you! anyway he eventually got some more customer service experience when he switched jobs at the liberry.

WAS IT REALLY WORTH IT?

I had some SOLID, BIGBOY, REAL WORLD, REAL MAN Customer Service Experience, a full YEARS worth, in a CALL CENTER, taking CALLS all day on the WEIRDEST shit that I had NO IDEA how to do.

was it WORTH IT?

maybe…..but at this point it doesnt really feel like it. and i feel like I could never do it again. just the thought strikes fear deep into my heart so I am AVOIDING all jobs that seem like they would have TOO MUCH (>50%) cust serv.

WOMEN YOUNGER than me have opened up their own Clinical/Counseling practices. like this 25 year old broad i see making a duckface on linkedin. LCSW, LLC, LLP. but who i really want to help are single white men with despair and anxiety, and white neets and such. thing is, these people are not likely to seek help.  alot of people only go to counseling because they are FORCED by court or probation. i guarantee some of those men are white!

but yeah honestly i did some GREAT, STRONG work, and TOUGHED IT OUT in some real TOUGH MAN shit, when i thought I would BREAK under the pressure. but NO, I STAYED THE COURSE. Weathered the storm.

So i have PROVED I can handle tough situations and tough customers. however, add a shitty situation with a woman and THAT is my breaking point.

i mean it WAS a realy unique situation i dont EVER see happening again. both the fact that she did not respond AT ALL, PLUS the fact that we worked in the same office.

it wasnt the CUSTOMERS that pushed me over the edge, it was HER, or really, my inability to DEAL with her.

i guess THEORETICALLY i could get another job and fall in luv with another coworker. i just hope i deal with it better! and i think i really cant not deal with it better! i would just send an email or text saying WE NEED TO TALK NAO. I HAVE FEELINGS FOR U.

then she will freak out, say were done, and i will put in a 2 weeks notice hahahahaha.

no i will try to move my shift, or move to where i cannot see her.

if i am running out of Meds, I will go to an Urgent Care to see if they can write me an emergency refill.

again i really dont think the running out of meds was what caused me to go over the edge. it was i just couldnt handle that ridiculous situation.

 

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OVERBEARING

914

the problem with her cutting me off like this is not ONLY does it feel she is not treating ME like a human being……

it ALSO makes me less able to see HER as a human being. more of a monster. more of that Monstrous Stereotype Woman Yes All Women Woman, All Women Are Like That Woman. and i can attribute all sorts of things. like she treated me like scum BECAUSE of Alpha Omega Game / Career Mating Market Matrix.

I guess its very important that that matrix did not factor into her decision with me. even though I like and agree with that matrix. but i just felt that because she KNEW me, she could treat me more as an individual and that Our Case would be Special.

its one thing when you just fook each other for a few months and it does work out, ie all my past pseudo relationshits.

its another thing when you know each other over a few YEARS and respect each other and dont naturally drift apart.

anyway yeah it dehumanizes HER as well as ME.

listened to some davis mj aurini. his youtube is less Stark and more Funny than his writing. this is attribute to talking generally being better than writing, period. i would be talking to you right now if i were not cowardly!

“the most decadent sluts since the fall of rome”

dat title pulled me right in.

anyway in that one he basically said that sex is sacred and special and trying to separate sex from love, and giving sex away for such a low price, is a race to the bottom, and sluts ruin it for everyone, and that a broken heart is very very painful. so i agreed 100000% hahahahahaha.

anyway when she throws me away like this i can make up all those horrible theories like she was one of the All Women, who rejected me because i was a loser at Game and Career. well its true isnt it?

but she seemed to have respect for me during our friendship even though she knew perfectly well at that time that i was a loser at game and career, and she didnt seem to care, she accepted me for who i was, i didnt have to pretend, i could just be myself.

but yeah basically by me changing the game, i change the rules of the game too, and when i want to Court Her Romantically Love Secs, then there is a whole new way of reckoning Respect.

i guess that is hard to deal with. i didnt really have a different way of reckoning respect regarding her.

“womens sexual liberation” hehehehehe

yeah he looks like a virgin and kinda has that atheist fedora niceguy pedestal white knight mlady virgin creepiness about him, i was judging the book by its cover, and that put me off of listening to him for the longest time. and his voice takes some getting used to. he sounds really smug and arrogant and kind of annoying and kind of gay hahahaha.  but thats just the way he talks. or the image he intentionally cultivates with his gothic look or whatever and always smoking cigarettes and drinking scotch or something. i can understand wanting to be rebellious but whatever. somebody new to listen to.

yeah heartbreak is horrible. she went from being one of my favorite people to being my least favorite. she went from being a decent human being who treated me like human being, to a monster who treated me like garbage. and it happened overnight.

we were both heading towards our breaking points, in my case being in horrible love wiht her, in her case just cutting all ties and being done with me completely and forever.

we both hit the breakign points at pretty much the same time.

i just think she is being unfair in hating me so much. what did i do that was so wrong? i got feelings for her? i did not Respect Boundaries? yeah i guess. this shit is so fooking stupid. what do you do when someone doesnt want to talk to you though? you cut THEM loose. of course i could not do that because i was emotionally compromised by muh eternal unconditional luv for her.

its HARD to just cut somebody loose when you luv them, and they dont want to talk to you.

well i dont doubt that i will do things better in the future, will have learned my lesson; but i DO doubt i will meet another female friend i could get feelings for, in the future! i mean i am getting super old and she was already 8 years younger than me!

ok. how about this. when one person wants to just walk away from a 2 year relationship, and the other person wants to talk about, we might not be able to fix it but lets at least communicate, you OWE IT TO THEM to talk to them, to communicate with them, to give your feelings and listen to their feelings, unless they are Physically or Emotionally Abusing you.

now i was emotionally annoying her, because i was pushing her to talk, but i was not ABUSING her. her Silent Treatment and Avoidance was more Emotionally ABUSIVE!!!

to the point that i VOIDED everything when i got feelings: theres no RULE that you VOID everything. [i am trying to TALK BACK to my Constant, Automatic NEgative Nihilistic Discouraging Thoughts. Verbal Judo hahahaha]. every situation is gonna be different. if there IS any RULE, its that the two people need to TALK to each other to figure out what happens to the relationship now that one person has feelings.

i just cant blame it on her being a decadent modern woman. theres nothing i can blame it on other than maybe she has Personal Psych Issues which I dont really know about, although its nothing related to Type 2 Personality Disorders, Narcissism, Borderline, Hysterical, well what she did was kinda sociopathic but she wasnt a sociopath, i dunno. she was Just Done.

so maybe she feels bad, but she’s just too Done to apologize, so i have to Reach out to her if i want an apology? well i want an apology, but what i REALLY want is to get with her.

and if she really wanted to GET with me, well she would have. she would have made the leap because there was something in it for her. there was nothing in it for her if she didnt have feels.

so its safe to say she doesnt want to date me in other words.

so i am not gonna reach out for an apology! cuz what i really want is to be with her.

so she hates me? because…..i was pushy and made her feel uncomfortable? because she thought i was HIDING something from her? i was going crazy because i didnt WANT to hide it from her! I was knocking at the door but she wouldnt open it.

yeah i did things poorly, i should have just Confessed in an Email at least 50% earlier than i did. not after 10 months but after 5 months.

shit. 3 months. 3 months is good for everything.

EXCEPT FOR getting over a heartbreak. that prob takes more like 6 months.

and also having secs. that should be at LEAST 6 months of dating and really getting to know and trust someone.

the role of sex is to bond men and women together in long term monogamous rels, to make them fall in love with each other.

did i mention i finally made that phone call i have been dreading for weeks. it went as well as i could have hoped. the person knew immediately what i was talking about and was like yep theres an error there, they shouldnt be charging you that, well get it fixed, sorry about that. took 2 minutes. and i said thank you very much.

because i am so used to me being confused all the time, and people in my office passing the buck and doing runaround not because they were lazy, but because they were confused and couldnt  get help from our superiors fast or reliably enough.  got flustered because we didnt know what we were doing, asked for help, got SHITTY help, STILL didnt know what to tell the person, couldnt transfer them to someone who actually UNDERSTOOD the situation, and then took the “easy way out” of saying uhhhhhhh we cant fix that or you need to talk to so and so.

one of my least favourite aspects of the job.

but yeah she was a much bigger part of my life than i was of her life. so it hurts me much more.

technically she didnt hurt me…….but kinda yes she did. she cant help if she doesnt like me, but she CAN help how she responds/reacts to the situation. someone always gets hurt in a rejection, but the rejector can help MINIMIZE that pain, and i believe they SHOULD, that thats the morally right thing to do.

heh. i am obsessed basically with convincing myself that i am not the bad guy, because i am not certain that i didnt do something horrible, and i deserve this treatment!

well i can conclude that i in fact do NOTTTTTTTT deserve this treatment. i didnt DESERVE to live happily ever after, but i did deserve to be Let Down Easier.

i dont know WHY thats so important to me. because i believe it could have reduced the INTENSE pain i have been suffering for a damn long time, AND because i want to believe that i’m not wrong for wanting communication.

im not wrong for wanting communication, but i went about askign for it in a bad way. next time i will know better.

honestly i had never been in this position before. falling in luv wiht a female friend. after knowing them for a DAMN long time.

i was a huge pussy about telling the previous woman i had feelings for her too. cuz we worked together too. hahaha jobs are the only way i meet women. i didnt want it to endanger our job. so i waiting 9000000 years until she left the job first, then pulled the trigger, got rejected of course, still managed to do the easy job, then met woman2015 at the same easy job, didnt have feelings for HER, but became friends, and she got us both jobs at the new place, which was horrible, but paid way more, and i quit THAT job because the rejection was too much to take!

very IRONIC dont u think hahahah.

well, the LORD was trying to tell me that i either needed to end this job, or end this CHARADE of a rel. i guess He just wanted me to end both and quit deluding myself hahahaha. but oh GOD the pain. maybe he could help me with the pain though.

but i have gotten a lot better about Brisk Jogging.

well only 6 miles today and not 9 hahaha but i blame the nyquil hangover lol.

i budgeted 16 hours but it wasnt enough. next time budget like 18 hours hahahaha.

start drinking nyquil from the moment you get up in the morning hahahaha

actually some indica budz would be just as good but the shame and stigma hahahaha.

ironic that muh female fren was my only source for that hahahaha. yeah i am glad i got rid of the stuff i had left over from her.

she was nice enough to ask if i wanted anything when she went, i thought that mean she still had respect for me as a human being.

being in luv with her was a nice little break from being a huge loser at life; and now i am an EVEN BIGGER loser, without that job. that horrible horrible job.

and that horrible lie of a “friendship” hahahaha. and now she remembers it the same way hahaha.

well i wasnt trying to LIE to her! i was trying to tell her the truth and it was becoming an elephant in the room, it was OBVIOUS to both of us that something needed to be talked about!!!!!!!!!!!

so i dont see it as a lie. a lie is them asking you is everything all right, is there something you wanna tell me? and you say no.

not please i have something to tell you and nope no dont want to hear it.

but i didnt SAY i have something to tell you. i said pleaeeeeeesseeeee can i hang out wiht you. over and over again. then pleeeease i feel im losing u and i dont want to lose u. then please our friendship is hurting, lets communicate abotu it more. then im sorry again to be weird to u then the silent treatment began and that was it.

SURE i was OVERBEARING. thats another great word for what i was. overbearing. but i was overbearing BECAUSE the issue was not getting resolved. and i could only resolve the issue with HER cooperation. which she was totally unwilling to give.

and was therefore the most disappointing end to 10 months of disappointment, which altogether was a horribly disappointing end to one of the best rels with a woman i ever had in muh whole life. the end.

of COURSE i am going to be heartbroken! for a long time!

way more than 2 months! we are at the 2 month anniversary of the Freeze Out BTW.

i just wished we could have talked. or communicated. that is all. is that too much to want? is that unreasonable? i dont think so.

but does me asking for that talking in The Wrong Way, in a eyr Overbearing way, make me the bad guy? i mean its not super smooth, but i dont think asking for a good thing in an overbearing way makes me the bad guy!

but i still am angry at her because i dont think it would have been THAT hard or painful for her to say OK WHAT DO YOU WANT ALREADY UGHHHHH

MUCH less painful than what im going thru now. although she did not intend to cause me this much pain, she could have stopped a decent amount of pain, and i really wish she had.

ALWAYS FEELING INCOMPETENT DOES NOT HELP YOU ALWAYS BE CONFIDENT

aug 6

another powerjog lol.

so freud said that work and love are like the foundations of life lol.

well i hate freud because he is a poisonous subverter. but i always liked this point of his. because if you have a good work life and a good love life, you are probably healthy and good; and if you have a bad work life and a bad love life, you are probably miserable; and the main things i ever really wanted was a good love life and a good work life, never really got them, and have been always pretty miserable.

well you arent HANDED these things on a SILVER PLATTER, you have to WORK for them of course. i guess i got TIRED of working for them. i didnt need INSTANT gratification, but i needed a TASTE of gratification throughout. didnt get enough tastes imho hahahaha. had a few tastes but not nearly enough to keep me going.

do i even realize how ridiculous and horrible i sound? yes, sort of. but i write it anyway.

kind of like i how i realized it was a Bad Time for the woman but I Pushed her anyway. actions speak much much louder than words. hahahaha i told her that too, and that i would stop bugging and pushing her, and those arent just empty words. and then what did i do in action. well i think i backed off for a little while when i told her that. but then a few months later the shit boiled over.

some days i blame her more; other days i blame me more.

well youhave good days and bad days.

the key is that you have more good days than bad days. when i was at my job i had way more bad days than good days. it was unsustainable.

i had some good days, where i was confident and could bullshit well. but those days seemed few and far between. and you really needed to bullshit well. some people are really good at bullshitting. i was okay at bullshitting sometimes. but i just wasnt ok at it often enough to make more days good than bad.

and the worse things got with the woman, the worse I got at my job. my last project didnt even involve phones. i did not do one phone call in the short time (2? 3? weeks) i was back. but i DREADED the inevitable moment i would have to take or make a phone call. also we had to do a really long complicated procedure where something weird can and did go wrong at every step, and we had to do like 3 or 4 or 5 of these procedures simultaneously. i could only really do 2 and that was pushing it. it sounds simple, prepping software and computers in remote locations around the country, but you would be surprised at how much weird shit still happened.

it is difficult to know how to react in these novel situations. honestly what we did was throw spaghetti at the wall and see what sticks. that was the total impression i got, and i shared this feeling with other level 1’s, and they agreed. the people who tried to apply rationality to it, like me, who obsessively tried to figure stuff out, and how stuff works, we got freustrated the most, because the Truth is indeed so hard to find, so elusive, and when you think you understand something, you find you were wrong the whole time, and therefore, you always feel incompetent, and feeling incompetent does NOT allow you to bullshit confidently to the end users on the phone. or to even help you just merely get through one workday at a time.

the woman was more laid back and less high strung than me. i liked that she was CHILL. I like a chill woman. A Chill woman would probably help Mellow My Mind a bit. I know that i do not want a high strung woman. and so many women are high strung. I wish I were more chill myself. I actually SEEM very chill on the outside, people have remarked how they like that I am so laid back and easygoing, but under the surface, its a completely different story. the tears of a clown. a mild mannered clown.

when we were Just Friends i was fairly confident and normie with her. slightly charming. but i didnt want to be too charming because i didnt want to lead her on; because i didnt have feelings for her then; because i was a LITTLE worried she might have feelings for me, but not worried enough that it ruined my life hahahah or even made me feel weird, but she was not giving as strong signals as i was, so therefore i wager that she did not really have feelings for me, but was just being friendly.

many men make the same mistake. its not a horrible mistake to make. arguably its just evolution. because men have to put their sperm ANYWHERE THEY POSSIBLY CAN, because they are the beggars and women are the choosers, so its arguable that if a woman is friendly to a man, the man overinterprets that as romantic interest, because he’s a beggar and he’s desperate for female consent to sex hahaha.

its possible work and love are not important, and that FAMILY and GOD are the most important.

its actually a religious calling to be A Single Unmarried Person. not a religious monk or a priest, but a lay person, unmarried, single, for life. basically a bachelor or a spinster. i always thought this was very sad. unless its your choice of course. but if its involuntary, well thats like involuntary celibacy or involuntary foreveralone.  hahahaha i should have discussed those topics with the woman while we were still on speaking terms. the plain truth is there was too much left unsaid. i could have talked more about what i wanted in a woman, talked more about my platonic feelings for her. but in a way i built a bit of a wall then just like she build a wall later. but i think her wall hurt me a lot more than my wall hurt her!!!!!!!

i had a wall up even as we were being friendly with each other and hanging out! it was less a wall per se than me trying to say “i dont like you that way.” yeah so i am guilty of mixed messages hahahaha. well let it be known that i never flip flopped!!!!!! once my feelings changed i started giving CONSISTENTLY different signals, over a period of time, to the extent that it got weird. because of me getting more and more emotional. no matter how busy her life, nobody could ignore or misunderstand those signals! so i think she did know what was going on. at least in broadest simplest terms: that i had feelings for her. and that was really all she needed to know. so we didnt need to have that big talk i was always pushing for. at least she didnt want to. i really wanted to, because i wanted to get everything out in the open and have an Actual Conversation, than just two people sending SIGNALS back and forth. fook signals.

i mean i guess the signals got the job done: i signalled i had feelings, she signaled nope not gonna do it. it just all went down in the worst possible way. shitstorm. shit hitting the fan. fomenting long term hatred. and that is exactly why i wanted to have a conversation, to avoid all that, have none of that shit happen. to not look back in anger hahahaha and say well maybe we could not be lovers but at least we handled that situation like respectful adults.

carly fiorina stands with bibi hahahahaha. i do not trust these zionists.

but if you want to learn how to bullshit well, watch these politicians! even the worst bullshitter there, i mean an unsmooth bad talker like lindsey graham, could bullshit well enough to get a 20DAHJ (Dollar An Hour Job) that calls for “excellent communication skills” in the qualifications. KSR’s. KSA’s. who gives a fook.

the way they respond to tough questions, the way the communicate, the way they try to PERSUADE people. i could never do that. i could never persuade jobs to take me, or women to take me hahahahahaha.

i think my confidence, although never high, began falling around fall 2014, when i started having feelings for the woman. prior to that was a Relative Peak of confidence! but then it steadily starting falling the more resistance i got from her. falling fallin falling and then it recently hit rock bottom and its gonna stay there for a while.

i wish i could pinpoint the confidence better. it is literally the most important thing. fook happiness. you can with unhappiness, with disappointment, deal with LIFE when you have confidence. so yeah maybe the confidence was at a peak from about july 2014 to…..sept 2014? those were pretty good times. i still did stupid phone calls but i handled them, and was getting along with the woman well, was not quite in love with her yet.

but now i have absolutely no confidence, it sucks. and yeah i think it went down in direct response to the tension that was growing and growing between the woman and myself. this tension, uncertainty, and not wanting to believe the negative signals slowly chipped away at the confidence. and the phone calls got more and more ridiculous too. and the situation between me and her got more ridiculous. then it blew up, and blew away all my confidence for everything. women, work, life, everything. not good.

GET ON YOUR KNEES, BOW DOWN, AND PRAY LIKE A MUSLIM

fri janu 3 2014, 11:12pm

well by the time you read this i will be well into my trial by fire from GOD. may GOD have mercy on me. Please pray to GOD for me. If you are a Fedora Atheist FFFFFffffffffaaaaaaaaaaa NOPE I should not even say the word. Then I am praying to GOD for you right now, a little prayer, not like the HUGE prayer I did to GOD this morning where for like 5 straight minutes, I got down ON MY KNEES and prayed. and THEN I bowed down to the GROUND like a MUSLIM, in front of the crucifix on muh wall.

Lately it’s been Hail Mary followed by: dear Lord Jesus and Mary, PLEASE give me the strength, confidence to talk to the people, now and forever, Amen. just tack that on to the end of the Hail Mary and say them on the entire drive over, in the parking lot, going up the stairs, in the bathroom.

And yet things are now kicked up a notch, I have to shorten it a bit, to: dear GOD PLEASE give me CONFIDENCE. Please help me stay CALM on the call. Please help me be CONFIDENT on the phone even though I Have No Idea What They’re TALKING about!!!!!!!! But PLEASE help me be CONFIDENT like a Normalfg!!!

With all my praying to GOD lately, I have to be more careful about calling people f’s and b’s and n’s and idiots and morons and etc.

And today I felt an “overwhelming” urge to J3rk Off, tempted by SATAN that “oh yeah, j3rking off will help you RELIEVE this ungodly STRESS” so then I looked at some decadent filth and did that, sh1t I’ve been doing that ever since I was a Teen, my excuse is I only do it once every 3 days or so and not 3 times a day, but this makes no difference to GOD!!!

Well GOD I am sort of sorry, 55% sorry, and I probably won’t do it again for another 3 days, or maybe 7 days, when I am done with the Week From Hell.

But then I bargain and wonder, well if I sinned and did THIS, is GOD going to punish me by making the Week From Hell even WORSE?

WEll, it couldn’t GET much worse. It’s ALREADY gonna be At 11.  The TEST is getting through it without RageQuitting. the TEST is taking call after call and not freaking out on the phone, and sounding confident even when you have no idea what’s going on.

yep a Wizardchan v9k would have Ragequit by now. Not sure about an r9k. Remember I am closer to r9k than v9k, although I def sympathize with v9k, not that they BELIEVE that, or that they would WANT it. Oh well. I got probs of muh own hehehehe.

AND YET a lot of people at this job are weirdos and not typical “normalf4gs.” but people who look like losers and rejects. (very relaxed dress code.) male virgins with long hair and wispy facial hair that play computer games and role playing games all day and will never ever kiss a grill.  sound like v9k types but they must not be deep down, because they are working a job, and a very stressful and social job at that!!!! maybe they are Happy Nerds, content in their Nerdy Virginness.

Not that I’m not content with my own Virginness! (not that I am technically A Virgin, but I guess I AM a Born Again Virgin, after X YEARS.) Sh1t I could care less right now about Getting Action, I am so freaked out about this JOB. If I want ACTION then I will PAY a hooker. and this job has made me a lot more confident about CALLING a hooker for that sort of thing.

sh1t I would rather make all sorts of phone calls other than the calls I am being paid to handle!

the idea of calling a hooker, or, even better, old friends, or grills for dates, or, even more important, FOLLOWING UP WITH PROSPECTIVE EMPLOYERS AFTER SENDING YOUR RES and SHOWING INTEREST in the Job by CALLING a week later and saying DID YA SEE MY RESUME? I’M REALLY INTERESTED IN THE JOB! and talking directly to the Hiring Manager. DAMN, I would rather do 100 of those a day, than take 10 of the calls that I MUST take.

So you should push yourself to your limit, out of your COMFORT ZONE, GROWTH is NOT unstressful, Growth Hurts, Being Pushed to your limit IS stressful, good GOD almighty is it stressful. but you’re not physically dying. although it feels like mentally you are, emotionally you are, total MINRAEP, total panic attack, break down in tears.

my one colleague is a REAL tough guy, masculine guy, big huge guy, man’s man, very masculine in the I’m gonna beat your 4ss on st patricks day sort of way, deep voice, cool under pressure. nice guy but could intimidate a r9k virgin, hehehe. he has helped me a lot, but I hope I am not annoying him with my nervousness, one call he could tell just by looking at me how freaked out I was, and tried to coach me thru it, saying be confident, be charismatic, take a deep breath, just have a normal conversation, sound normal, you’re a grown man, imagine you’re on a date with a girl, I laughed at that nervously of course, haven’t done anything REMOTELY datelike since……..prob about Sept or Aug 2012, two thousand TWELVE not 2013 hehehe.

ANyway I like the guy and appreciate his help and want to pay it back by not being a HUGE PVSSY.

I mean the freaking out level is insane. the idea of having this big masculine man HOLDING MY HAND while doing a call actually sounds really GOOD, hehehehe. Now I can’t do that of course. I could probably swing a Masculine Hug at some point, and I have Shaked some people’s hands, or do a Shoulder Pat.

got one more definitely, prob 2 or 3, but mayb only energy for 1…conitnued……