wed aug 2

looked up the amount of money i spent during muh unemployment and was horrified and disgusted. i am not a big spender! but somehow i spent a lot of money! essentially blew through a Larger Than Average Emergency Fund!!!!!!!!

heh. the hugest expenses were, by far, car related (aka useless shit tier insurance) and going to see the SHRINK. everything else was DWARFED in comparison to that. even going out to restaurants to play my weekly game was NOTHING in comparison to those two things. also the local grocery store / supermarket was a big thing, but thats not surpirsing.

i made 152 dollars on mturk hehehehe.

yep. car insurance, shrink, and grocery store were biggest expenses because i dont have to pay rent like NORMIES because i am a neet. now, the grocery store should involve a lot of stuff that i am buying for the fam, and or gifts for them. spent more on gifts for them .

cant break down the many categories of stuff i bought at the grocery store, which also includes gas, clothes, food, nonfood.

also its funny that shitty, useless, absolutely cheapest car insurance was the #1 biggest expense. and Budget Shrink once a month was a little below that. my biggest entertainment expense, my weekly, sometimes twice weekly game, didnt even come close. or me buying clothes like a madman. spend 488 dollars on clothing. and that was all this year. well from july to dec 2015 i was pretty much completely dead.

i mean i try to “give money to muh fam” whenever i possibly can by buying them stuff, because they refuse to Charge Me Rent like a Normie fam would, like they SHOULD, because not to is to enable muh neetism, so i fight against that by essentially slipping money into their wallet when they arent looking hahahahaha.

this is exactly the kind of tech support my old company would give, the type of “advice” that woman was great at giving. somebody says the feature is not working. tech support assumes the user is doing it wrong, and gives the the “right” steps. this is exactly what the user IS doing….and it is not working. there CLEARLY is a technical issue that needs to be looked at and acted on by the company. but they sit their silent and just imply that you’re doing it wrong.

spent 369 on muh weekly hobby during muh 17 months of shitty neetness. honestly less than i expected. but oh yeah one place doesnt take credit cards. all this data is coming from muh credit card. i do not use cash anymore for this very reason. analytics. data. reports. trends.

took benedryl because i got the hankering to sm0ke MJ…..but of course i dont have any. might have some in jan 2019 god willing. 2 more years. legal MJ hehehehe. hope to get it on the ballot in 2018, where it would PROBABLY pass, but it possibly could not pass. maybe 60 40 odds hehehehe. of passing.

shit i would even be willing to take a TINY dose of mushrooms. but it has to be TINY. i would rather not feel anything than feel anything. because a bad trip is just not worth it. at all. it will put you into a world of panic, dread, emptiness, despair, fear, hopelessness, death hahahahaha. but good trips can give you the opposite of all that. and that is what i am looking for.

always take less of whatever drug it is. you know who tells you to take MORE? druggie degenerates. OVEN YOURSELF.

i am happy i have totally resisted the urge to type that womans name into google and try to stalk her that way. prob find her linkedin and instagram where she is posting images of her fooking negros hahahahahaha. making spelling errors and poor writing on her linkedin for her Tough Stressful Job where she makes a lot more money than me.

her name getting in the News for being so good at her Career she became an Expert. or maybe doing Activism for one of her Causes. or she went back to school, got highest honors, and is getting a Grad or Law degree.

i mean she doesnt have a unique name so when i searched her before all this shit happened, like in oct 14 to june 15 when i was in luv with her, she wouldnt even be on the first 2 or 3 pages of google. just other people with her same name.

now if you search my name on google, you immediately get my linkedin, my twitter, on the very top of the first page, and i am happy with that. but i really SHOULD have many company and skool awards and blurbs about honors and awards ive won, me and my unique name just got promoted, just spearheaded a 50 million dollar project, etc. got married to a beautiful 22 year old gurl, had a 3rd child, bought a house in a 100% huhwhyte neighborhood, etc, getting respect from respected people, etc.

but yeah. if someone wanted to get in touch with me, they could find my email address REAL easy. SHE could find my email address if she just googled muh name. moron probably couldnt spell it right hahahahahahahahahahahahaha. i am so desperate for her to google me, find the email, and contact me. because she blocked my email and deleted it so she doesn’t know what it is anymore hehehehehe. and she desperately wants to apologize to me and luv me, but she doesnt’ know how to contact me. what bullshit. then she could contact at least 2 people we mutually know. or have someone do that for her. or type my name into google. she OBVIOUSLY doesnt WANT to.

WANT. WILL. WILLINGNESS. are you WILLING to do this. this WILLINGNESS is the most important thing. I dont care if anyone ever UNDERSTANDS me. that’s way too much to ask. i would never expect that. i dont even udnerstand myself. i just want them to luv me hahahaha. thats way better than Understanding. I guess LISTENING is important though. but understanding really isnt. i will never complain about being MISUNDERSTOOD. well, except that she misunderstood my motives. yeah that i care a lot about. not being seen as a niceguy who betrayed her by wiating in the wings, waiting to pounce, ulterior motives etc.

benedryl. makes a man tired hehehehe.

dec 24

heh. xmas eve. benedryl last night. was tired. crashed into bed, slept pretty Well, but past 830 am i could not get back to sleep. even though i still felt tired and groggy and sleepy. still do now at 953 am. sleepy but you cant sleep. so i just am thankful i slept a few hours later than muh New Normal wake up time of 515 am.

i was always anti authority. when i was young i disliked and had no respect for my teachers. well the majority of them. some of them i liked. but i never thought, wow, i LUV this teacher, I want to be a teacher when I Grow Up. I said, this is a sucky profession, it attracts mean nasty people, those who cant do teach hahahaha, and those who cant teach teach at my school hahaha. (and the corrolary of this really pretty offensive maxim is, those who DO, cant teach!)

so why bother trying to teach or learn anything. just sm0ke weed all day and jerk off, try to bang sluts.

in high school i had a better understanding and more respect for teachers or teaching. but i knew the teachers in my private skool made way less money than the rich, lazy, spoiled, entitled public skool teachers, who also didnt give any homework and made skool fun and easy for their students, and 16 yo old gurls were throwing themselves at you in these public schools.

but my teachers were men of principle! who would then be a bit autistic, weird, or mean. maybe they were just butthurt they couldnt get a sweet public skool job.

and of course now i understand that public skool teachers dont really do that well, and you either do SUB jobs till you’re 30 years old, or get a job in the absolute worst, blackest, ghettoest district, and those Plum Teacher Jobs are simply going extinct because, big surprise, they cost the schools too much money. fookin boomers hahahahaha. way to kill the golden goose. fookin joos hahahaha. like the scorpion and the frog.

anyway now i appreciate what teachers do. will stand up for teachers against the teacher-haters, which i used to be. while being even more certain that i would never want this thankless, super stressful job.

old school boomer working class HATE teachers because they only work 6 months out of the year, only work 6 hours a day hahahaha, and see it as the easiest job ever.

but basically when i was IN high school and especially grade school, i wish i had more respect for the teachers heheheheh.

still i dont think thats what screwed me up though. maybe it was just my general disrespect for authority. i didnt’ think anyone knew what they were talking about. i know just as well as they do. well no i sure as fook didnt! well what do THEY know, they’re just underpaid losers at this private skool who couldnt get a sweet public school job! their wife left them and their kids hate them!

also i was butthurt that i “had to” go to a private skool with no gurls. cuz i was absolutely OBSESSED with secs and gurls, even more than i am now. truth is, if i had gone to one of those fantasy public school paradises, i probably would have been bullied by the boys AND rejected by the girls, for being an omega male hehehehe.

then i went to college and the “teachers” here were wildly successful. they were professors at a famous university. of course they were respected, their wives didnt leave them. there were shitloads of beautiful 18-21 year old gurls. and i didnt know how to deal with them. i was frozen in fear and couldnt bring myself to talk to them.

yep 33 inch pants would be just perfect. this means i must continue to lose weight until 32 inch pants would be just perfect.

i guess Dr Phil would be a celebrity, well know, famous version of the type of profession i could see myself doing. helping people with their emotional, relship, family, behavior problems.

who are other famous shrinks? dr keith ablow I hear is pretty good. i hear Dr Laura is pretty good although a J.

i guess tel aviv is the party city of israhell. beaches and clubs and all that. 20 year old israeli gurls in tiny bathing suits. who have absolutely no respect for secs as the life creating act. just want to have fun fun fun. and i absolutely would never want to have babies with them hahahaha. shit yeah i would race mix with them. basically any light skinned 20 year old gurl i would race mix with.  would never make babies with.

maybe i want to be like roosh, traveling the world and banging 20 year old sluts. it really doesnt sound bad. i mean i wish more of these white sluts turned him down. all of them. i dont want white women to be sluts and ESPECIALLY not race mixing sluts going for swarthy persians.

i apologize to intuit tech support because i wrote a kinda nasty comment to them on their shitty tech support article where it appeared there was a bug in the program, then right after i read the shitty article and left the nasty comment that prob wont get read anyway, the program started working again. but i swear i was doing it right! what the hell was i doing wrong? it wasnt a complicated process, it was jsut trying to change the category of a transaction. from what it is defaulted to, to something of my choosing. important necessary feature sure.

well i never attack level 1, i basically attack level 2 and above. for letting shitty service continue. for treating customers like idiots. passing the buck and giving me the runaround. i want a level 2 person to tell me WHEN this is going to be fixed. if its a month or 6 months, FINE. just let me know that poeple who CAN fix it are AWARE of it and PLAN on fixing it. dont just give me a patronizing poorly written response telling me what ive ALREADY DONE. do you really think I’m THAT STUPID. again, I know this isnt the level1 person’s fault. really they should just do away with level 1 and make level2 the new level1. essentially meaning, give the level1s about 100 times more training so they dont always seem so damn inexperienced. but yeah thats a thankless job. even worse than teaching hahahaha. its like teaching something you dont even KNOW. forget knowing how to DO. its teaching shit youve never HEARD OF before.

there were people in uni who took about the same ballpark of MJ as i did, and they turned out fine, ie, 6 gorillion times more successful than me, wife, kids, etc. probably the alcohol did more damage than the MJ. but the MJ did do damage too. because i would rather sm0ke MJ than attack my schoolwork aggressively. i wasnt so much shirking muh skoolwork to DRINK. but i did binge drink a lot on occasion. i honestly do think i did more stupid destructive shit because of MJ though. yeah. actually the MJ i think did more damage than the alcohol. at THAT time. but AFTER uni, the alcohol def did more damage than the MJ. now i dont drink any more and I Romanticize MJ and put it on a pedastal like it was a perfect waifu.

even though its obviously NOT! it makes me paranoid and anxious and panicky and nervous and awkward and lazy and neurotic and jooish and weak!

ive never had a royal straight flush or a nonroyal straight flush but i have had quads quite a few times. is that normal?

got ghoul surf the kali yuga shirt in mail on dec 24. i did not “need” it by xmas and I would rather the poor USPS slaves not slave on xmas eve, xmas day, or saturdays, or sunday amazon deliveries. or midnight shifts at the PO. or split shifts. or PSEs or casuals. i would pay more in shipping for those things.

i should join heimbachs traditionalist workers party because by god am i SERIOUS about Workers Rights, but also by god am I SERIOUSLY against all the leftist marxist jooish revolutionary commie SHIT The Labor Movement supports. I mean they are the leftest of the left and that’s very disappointing. it should not be that way. and maybe A True Populist Movement can give a better way than that.  right wing, traditionalist, JQ Aware, Huhwhyte Huhwhorkers.

all time, i have given 155 dollars to alt right causes. this includes tshirts which should PROBABLY be split because the entire cost of the tshirt does not go to the alt right guy, not even half, it goes to the jooish tshirt company. well, at least the company that does TRS’s tshirts is not jooish at all, and I wrote them a note with my order complimenting them for this.

anyway the size L ghoul shirt fits fine. i was worried about moving down from an XL tshirt to an L. DONT BE. just dont gain the god damn weight back.

hmm bitcoin peaking at like 890 dollars. quickly gonna sell 20 usd worth. buy low, sell high. and it is high. peaked and starting to come down. ok sold 25 USD. makin monay hahahaha.

going into mint and categorizing and recategorizing a bunch of shit.

pretty good outlining of a political and MORAL platform hehehehe. dont know if heimbach is still involved here. welp there is nothing on the site for dnating.





LONG  9000 word POST!!!!!!!!!!

nov 16 2016

ok went to urgent care place to do job related physical and tb test. the place is a big health care company and i do not trust. would not want to work there. felt very sorry for the people who had to work there, forced to treat people as numbers, process people like cattle, even blacks and nonwhite dont deserve to be treated like that so UrgentCareInc can make more damn shekels. there was a white male about my age at the front desk and he was constantly on the phone talking about HR and DOT and stuff, and hopefully not being given a runaround or forced to give a runaround. the place was so busy they needed 2 people at the front desk. the place was huge in the back office and had a ton of nurses and assistants.

the nurse/assistant who helped me was a 50 year old woman who sounded like she smoked 10 packs a day. but she was white. she said her daughter recently became a Schoolteacher and she was surprised at how much they WORK. I said I know, it’s not what people think, those teachers are doing a ton of unpaid work every day, they get run ragged, i wouldnt want to be a teacher!

was very quick and short and curt, as was the doctor who came next, probably so they can get as many people in and out. these people move so FAST I am left with a sense of what the hell just happened? this is a LOT faster than my Speed Of Life.

there were some black women working the front and back desk. i was very nice to them. i am always very nice to everybody i talk to, white or nonwhite.

i didnt know what the tb test entailed. it entailed pricking my arm with a tb protein or something, then i have to go back in 48 hours so they can “READ” it. but no more than 72 hours. 24 hour window of time. i dont like getting pricked with needles, i hate needles, but this one was pretty minor.

nurse said take off your clothes and put these paper clothes and shorts on, doctor will be in in a few minutes. she left and i was like uhhhhhhhh cant i just wear muh t shirt and underoos? am i supposed to get fully nude and put this god damn paper gown and paper shorts on? wtf? so i said well, i will be a good goy and get fully nude and put this stupid shit on. the doctor can make fun of me if he wants. i didnt take a shower today, jokes on him, i just wiped muh crotch and balls with a paper towel, soap and water hahahahahaha. if hes an arab doctor he probably has similar hygiene hahahahaha.

he was a white male doctor! and there was no ball cupping, ball touching, or anything. he had me bend slightly at the waist. it went super duper fast, no cupping, no coughing, no butt stuff hahahaha, very easy. i threw the paper clothes in the trash. dr did not bitch at me for keeping my socks on.

went to HR and dropped papers off, asked about employment pools and internal postings and mailing lists and why dont you put your shit on indeed. i was assured that they no longer have a pool, but that they had my results from when i WAS in the pool, then they stopped the pool, but if they start it again, they will put me back in AND email me. good. i asked if there were any email lists i could get on. thats the thing about this place. there are all these hidden secret jobs, its like the god damn masons.

had a weird but somewhat fun dream last night. i was flirting somewhat with a qt young woman. it wasnt that woman, the dream woman was much smaller and petite, not my usual type but oh well. things were going well, then she disappeared. came back a few months later and said she got married to some guy she just met. i voiced my opinion and i was like, heres the thing, im not gonna pretend to be happy about this. i was starting to like you and i was really disappointed when you just left me in the lurch. i feel like you didnt give me a fair shake. and now youre marrying a guy who in your words you dont even know? dont you feel bad about just Ghosting me? this kinda sucks. i’m not happy about what you did. i’ll get over it but you should know that shit aint right. its not nice to do that to people.

so essentially saying stuff i wanted to say to That Woman hahaha.

now i prefer taller women with meaty Thighs and Asses, long legs, long arms, but i would be open to a Shorter women, provided she is not stumpy, stocky, or at all potatoey, and this dream girl was not, so thats good.

also another part of the dream involved me meeting millennial woes. that was fun. never had a MW dream before. we were hanging out and getting along real well till i said or did somethign that made him thing I was stupid or uncouth. and i was mad at myself for being an idiot around this guy i respected. but also it was just a misunderstanding too, he should really be open to that possibility. also what IF i am a crass uneducated trump voting redneck whitelash? hes alt right pro white, he of all people should appreciate this raw, uneducated white power hahahahaha.

or maybe i am reading this all wrong and blowing it all out of proportion and he DOESNT think that about me.

a part of the dream had me holding a heroin needle and thinking, well, i am tempted to experiment with opiates, BUTTTTT i hate needles and dont want to inject myself.

another part of the dream had me in a large room with millennial woes and i looked out the large windows and there were huge, demonic, savage looking wild boars/warthogs out there. huge and vicious, more than anything in the real world. i was like holy shit those things will tear us apart and they could just jump through the window right now and K us savagely, uhhhh arent you concerned about this? holy shit just look at those things!!!!!

so yeah it was a vivid and action packed dream but thankfully not too disturbing or terrifying.

i know it has to do with this big news of The New Job, that that is SUCH a big deal that I immediately KNEW it would take several days to get past the SHOCK and begin PROCESSING it.

later wed…..

ok today i got muh new hard drive AND the windows recovery disk AND the stick of ram. installed the hard drive and got windows going without issue. it just took forever to install. using my regular computer again now.

installed additional ram in other computer which muh fam uses so it isnt so shamefully slow. at first it didnt seem to take. then i took it out and pushed it back in again and this time the computer detected it. good times. hopefully fam notices a difference. i think i did although i did not do brutal shit to it to test it out.

downloaded antiwirus onto “new” ocmputer. which is using windows 7. this is a silver lining here because i wasnt thrilled wiht windows 10 but it was too late to roll it back.

google drive files updating nao.

installed libreoffice, notepad++, audacity, google drive, poker program. muh basics haha.

plus i think windows 7 is better with the wireless adapter which was always getting BTFOd on windos 10.

why? even microsoft Project Managers dont know WHY. or the Lead Senior Software Engineers under them.

ok listened to new deathspell omega again a few days ago and liked it more. drums sound really good. now im thinking its a human. just a really really good human, with crystal clear production but no phony triggery bullshit.

the last minute of the second song kinda grabbed me.

right there at 5:07, might be the key to enjoying the whole album. because the distortion on the guitar is decreased and he is not strumming so fast, so you can actually hear and comprehend the guitar part, which is of course plenty weird, its just much easier to digest. but there’s no dialing down the intensity of the drum part, in fact you can hear it all the better.

basically turn down the distortion on the guitars on the whole album and play longer notes!

but no, hes an autist that doesnt like to make it easy for the listener. thats all it is.

so yeah what i like about dso is that stupid, autistic chaos really IS an accurate representation of my mind when it is confused and distressed and anxious. like when i was at work thinking OH GAWD I DONT KNOW WHAT IM DOING IM SO CONFUSED AND SCARED my thoughts would be racing and crashing into each other like a damn dso song.

completely lacking any sense of judgment, not knowing whats right and wrong, whats real and whats not. whats happening with the job, whats happening with the woman, whats happening.

WHITELASH hahahaha. i am VERY GLAD to be a PART OF that WHITELASH.

now the pollsters are realizing the actual truth: that trump tapped into a White Voting Bloc. he spoke to Whites and whites voted him in. as a race conscious white i couldnt be happier. i dont apologize for being white, im not EMBARASSED by white people, i dont look forward to a time when whites are a minority, i don’t think you should not respect thomas jefferson because he OWNED SLAVES. then dont go to the fookin UVA you uppity skypes and googles hahahaha.

believe me i know white people who think its HORRIBLE that white people are even ABLE to vote as a group, and vote for such a horrible white racist as TRVMP.

fook NO i dont trust (((((KUSHNER))))) !!!!!!!!!! he could be a problem in the future. i hope he isnt. but i wouldnt be surprised if he is.

i just wish That Woman hadnt been so HORRIFIED by the idea of me liking her. you dont have to like me back, I GET THAT. Just dont act like its so DISGUSTING and GODAWFUL. Just say SORRY, I dont like you that way, this must be painful for you. dont HATE me for getting feelings for you. i would never hate somebody for that.

sheeeeeeeeeeeeit whatever. shit happened. bad shit. i learned to be more courageous and direct in the future. i just cant see myself ever being interested in a woman ever again.

although thats where the dreams can be useful. like in this dream last night, i felt myself sort of interested in this dream woman who wasnt THAT woman.

or this super attractive 9/10 woman who might be at the social event today hahahaha who is WAYYYYY out of muh league but damn is she nice to look at!

i mean im FINE with her being out of my league! i KNOW a 6/10 35 yo old man has no CHANCE at a 9/10 23 year old woman!

was concerned the ram would not take in the dell latitude. there are two ram slots. one easily accessible on the bottom, another buried under the keyboard. thankfully the easy access one was the open one. getting to it was easy. popped it in, seemed to fit well. start comp, not showing any difference. still says 2 gb ram, should be 4. do mem diagnostics test. no change. frowning. open it up again, pull it out, stare at it, pop it right back in. start comp, says preboot that memory has changed. this is new. ok great yes i did change it. start up, now it says 4 gb. PRAISE THE LORD. but WHY? what did i do DIFFERENTLY? i just took it out and put it right back in! did i have it in wrong? ILL NEVER KNOW hahahaha.

continued to buy more xmas presents for fam today.

nov 17

ok when they say “TB test must be read within 48 to 72 hours of administration” that is not very clear that what it REALLY means is, the full TB test is in 2 parts. the first time they prick you with a needle. then it may or may not have some affect on your skin in that area. then 48 to 72 hours after pricking, you have a 24 hour window where you MUST return to the clinic to finish part 2 of the tb test, which is given the rather unclear technical name of “reading.” just call it testing part 2. THEY are “reading” your skin somehow. the important thing to remember is you have to get pricked, WAIT 48 hours to go back, then go back, but not after 72 hours. or else then you have to get pricked again.

but they dont say any of that hahahaha.

that is the type of TRANSPARENCY i would have in MY company hahaha. tell you what you NEED TO KNOW. tell you the most important things so you can fully understand shit quickly. it would PROBABLY cut back on phone calls asking for stupid clarification.

and this is not a big deal at all in this case, but shit like this would INFURIATE me at my old job.

and another “pet peeve” about computers that, when you are working in Computer Service, is INFURIATING and will turn a mild mannered man into a savage frightened animal shrieking and screeching.

definition of insanity is doing the same thing twice and expecting different results.


it might be INSANE, but ITS HAPPENING!!! its happening to your equipment!!!! doing the same shit twice either fixed it or broke it! the insanity was consequential and important and valuable and you want to know WHY!!!!!

but the other def of insanity is, you will NEVER know why. its IMPOSSIBLE to know why.

now i wouldnt call any of these things “the definition of INSANITY” but i know what you mean. i would call it NONSENSE, or infuriatingly illogical, or bullshit, or this cant be, or wtf, or fooking ridiculous, this makes no sense. slightly insane i guess. hahahaha. chaos reigns.

hey lets look at the days since spreadsheet!

last time i actually talked to That Woman      492 days

last time i initiated contact, final email           458 days

last time i looked at degen jooish porn            374 days

bretty good amirite?

66 days since haircut. kinda starting to look bad.

was watching the woodstock movie on tcm last night. really is a great movie, worth buying permanently in whatever form you would do that. would have loved to watch it with That Woman, cuddle for 3 hours, smoke MJ for 3 hours, probably stop watching the long movie to have luving secs a few times hahahaha. i think she would have appreciated the movie, she liked a lot of that kind of music and sorta looked like a hippie.

i first saw the movie when i was like 20 and was pretty impressed, watched it again at 21 or 22 smokin MJ with muh old friend, good memories.

havent seen it since.

i still appreciate the music but now i have a much better big picture perspective on it, like the degeneracy, and seeing these white youths throwing their lives away on the new jooish degeneracy, which at the time was BRAND NEW and exciting and did not seem like degeneracy, but freeing and liberating and luv……but it was jooish degen. and none of these goys realized it.

but things did seem innocent because all this stuff was so new and people were optimistic and excited and happy.

great songs and performances too. when i was young i was electrified by for example joe cocker, now i was like, welp what drugs is he on. what drugs is this guy on.

seeing all these people in 1969 47 years ago and realizing i am older now than they were then. i am older than these young men with huge beards like that great performance by canned heat. their bass player is spazzing out like that because hes probably on ACID. MOST of these people are on ACID. or that guitar player is not on acid, hes just stoned as shit on MJ. pete townsend is probably on “uppers” because they didnt have coke back then. keith moon is on acid and uppers and booze. joe cocker is also on EVERYTHING. how much of this is an act, and how much of it is drugs? joe cocker could not keep up with this lifestyle, how did he survive till age 75 or whatever? either way his performance was great. richie havens is mesmerizing. he could be on acid or in a trance or something. but when he speaks between songs he seems normal. the way he plays guitar is so weird. how is he not breaking the strings strumming that hard. what tuning is he in that he plays with his THUMB like that. his voice is very haunting.

so yeah i still got all that, the performances were just as good as i remembered, but it was interesting to have perspective on it, that even these performers were too young to have!

i can understand being against the vietnam war, but immediately Da Joos got involved and turned it into a marxist thing. now i can see that for what it is. typical jooish disruption. jooish culture of critique. and none of the goys they scammed realized it. they were just about weed and acid and free love and fighting the man and the pigs.

but yeah since this was just STARTING and people were so excited, we got some really good music out of it, the likes of which has never again emerged from such cultural degeneracy. and again the music helped sell this degen and make people happy about it, including me for a time. its still great music.

also, people didnt talk nearly as much about white privilege, and whites and men werent hated as much. i think many of these early sjw’s were truly interested in naive equality rather than marxist revolution and punching up against whites and men. there were so many white men there at woodstock. healthy, young, beautiful white people, not at all fat, so many skinny in shape people, all getting fooked up on drugs and booze and frying their brains.

whites beginning to act like negros. look at all the frontmen gyrating around with their stupid tight pants. muh dick is all it is.

so yeah. such an interesting mixed bag of great music and genuinely optimistic people, but the beginning of generations of horrible jooish degeneracy that just got worse and worse. became nihilistic within 30 years.

and now finally in 2016, we have some long needed WHITELASH hahahaha.


i turned it off after joe cocker because it was 230 am, but i know there was a ton of good shit after that too.

some of the video is better than others, like the who video is kinda shitty because its too much roger daltrey and not nearly enough keith moon hahaha.

also just the language these people use, its stupid and childish but its honest and sincere, whereas today the leftist marxist sjw “hippies” have a much more SOPHISTICATED, JOOISH way of talking because of all their damn college. and they know they cant get away with looking and sounding like they are on ACID.

before and after a 40 year Jooish March Thru The Institutions hahahaha.

i mean there was already some jooish subversion going on in like the 1920s…..but it EXPLODED in the late 60s.

dont like muh bigotry? go cry to your hillary support group hahahaha. THE BUMS LOST LEBOWSKI!


i realize this is not good for those trump supporters who are trying to defend themselves AGAINST accusations of bigotry and racism by the left. oh no were not racists!

and then i come out and say im a trump supporter AND a huge avowed admitted racist! it doesnt look good for trumps people.

well, i dont represent trump supporters in general, in fact id be MOST of the average WHITELASH voters, the white men trump supporters, really ARENT racist!

just me and the the 1% of people like me hahahaha.

only thing i SORT OF represent is the “alt right”.

did i post this nov 2016 news story about evalion DOXXED and harrassed by FEDS???

I am kinda suspicious of her but when she gets attacked by ZOG like this, i have to take her side. i mean she MIGHT BE batshit crazy, but she has made real sacrifices.

dont wear long fake eyelashes. you look like a decadent whore hahahaha. no im not talking to evalion. talking to the blond bitch on tarek and christina. christina the race mixer hahahaha. she is real hawt but wears too much makeup and horrible whorish eyelashes. dont do that. and tarek is the whitest looking arab i have ever seen, so…i guess thats good.

i am betting he is “only” half arab.

making whortina only half a race traitor hahahaha.

whatever id still bang her. shit id make white babies with her! i would have to work HARD to brainwash the crazy out of her though. probably wouldnt be worth it. 10 years ago, sure.

also she has a horrible voice hahahaha. kinda “secsy” but in the long term, annoying Vocal Fry hahahaha.

indicates moral laxness hahaha.

used up remainder of amazon gift card on columbia fleece jacket. plain black. agonized over color.

i mean i got like 100$ amazonbux for doing a survey activity.

anyway. just trying to say i dont really spend money frivolously. and when i really need new clothes…..i dont really get them, i have to FORCE myself, because ALL spending seems frivolous, but then when i actually DO spend the money and buy the new clothes……it was very much worth it. like with buying A Suit, etc. buy jeans, new shoes, now this fleece jacket. i kind of have one already but its technically the inner lining of a 2 piece jacket system hahaha. so i want to just put it in and leave it in there and not have to take it out of the jacket whenever i want to wear something like that.

also i am glad i Sacked Up and had a direct talk with the guy i wanted to talk to about MJ. I did not have high expectations, but i just wanted to introduce the idea. that i would like to go in with him on his next purchase if possible. turns out he is not making a purchase for….a few months and told me some exciting life news for him. so i appreciated that. i support him 100% in this endeavour and am not butthurt about not being able to get MJ! but hopefully when he is ready, he will tell me, and he does seem kinda reliable like that. i mean he is decent at Adulting, makes decent money, lives normie life, doesnt screw people over. that at least he knows that i am interested in Going In with him Next Time, so plz let me know when you are ready for next time hehehehe.

so yeah i crossed that off the list hehe.

ok gotta make a good impression at this job. get there 15 minutes early, leave 15 minutes late every day.  make coffee, buy coffee, buy bagels or donuts.

also, find Where The Information Is. knowledge base. case notes. case system. ticket system. S drive. intranet. ANYTHING i can access from home.


that would have been a GREAT learning tool at my own job, but I was so flustered i didnt even think to ask. I mean I read a lot of cases, but actually hearing the calls while reading the cases would have been a lot better. just read and listen to calls for an hour when you get home hahahaha.

write everything down. make flashcards.

ask everybody about their families.

buy a large container of coffee regularly.

spend a ton of money frivolously to buy new clothes. nice shirts and pants that fit properly. take pants to chinese laundry to shorten the legs for my manlet stumpy legs. spend more money.

look people directly in the eye at all times and act like a real confident nonnevergf normie hahaha.

get hair cut regularly so it doesnt look sloppy and nevergf on the sides.

good thing about this job is that it could not be closer. it is literally 3 miles away.

some women ONLY date (ie fook, and get preggers from) TRASHY guys. not just good badboys, but BAD badboys, like deadbeats, drug addicts, woman beaters, felons, etc. people with real big problems. hehehe. they wont date you or fook you from tinder because you are literally not trashy enough.

there is a “tradwife” in the altright who was A Tranny but he/she “passed” remarkably well. they were obviously a not very masculine man who was able to pass as a woman better than some women, hahahahahahaha. i saw a picture and i was like, hmmm, they are young, skinny, really doesnt look too freakish, hmm i think i want to bang that man hahahahahahhaha.

and then they got “bullycided” from twitter and the internet in like april 2016 and stopped posting to their blog which was written quite well and is probably worth reading and basically advocates trad alt right values like family and masculine men and feminine women and was anti-homosex and promiscuity and degeneracy. so this person literally felt like a woman, a very very traditional woman, born into a very feminine man’s body.

anyway i know notorious sinead posted imho a rather inappropriate picture of this person which i dont know how she got. and sinead loves to attack the “alt k1ke” for being pro-gay, pro-tranny, pro-degen, etc.

anyway i just thought it was interesting that i felt a sense of SYMPATHY for the “tradwife.” ultimately  i was viewing them and treating them as a full real woman. i didnt see them as a man or a tranny. i didnt think it was fair for them to be bullied and shamed and i was kinda interested in their blog.

hahahaha maybe i secretly want to date the tradwife. how ridiculous would that be.


yeah ok fine you caught me red handed. Oh well, so what. i certainly dont feel this way about most trannies, who are all about marxist degeneracy lock stock and barrel.

thing is, the tradwife would prob still be out of my league hahahahahaha because she wants a strong, proud, alpha man, just like every other woman hahahahaha.

but yeah he/she is a good writer, clearly very smart, and doesn’t really say anything too ridiculous. he/she views trannyism as an illness that can be successfully treated by fully adopting the desired gender role. rather than becoming some genderless genderqueer otherkin. i mean tradgrace wants to become a beautiful aryan woman in a wheat field. what he/she wants to become is a beautiful thing!

so yeah god have mercy on me but i have some sympathy for tradgrace.

although it SHOULDNT MATTER if a woman is smart or a good writer.

but if a woman IS smart and a good writer, i do usually like that, provided they arent some insane screeching leftist…..which they usually are.

but this isnt a woman!!!!!!

anyway i wish grace well, that is a hard life, im not gonna bully grace, i cant disagree with what xir says. hahahaha. well, xir’s preferred pronoun would certainly be “she”, as grace celebrates everything about Traditional Femininity!

ok fine i will link to grace directly so SHE can see me linking, and then find me, and then she can be my waifu!

heh. if i were a total homosexual degenerate……wouldnt i want to bang men who dont identify as women, let alone who look quite convincingly like young, feminine women?

anyway. grace’s big mistake was to assume people wouldnt bullycide “her” for being a tranny. if she wrote this stuff and just presented herself as a normal woman, she would not be punished, and there would be 14888888888888888888888 alt right white virgins white knighting for her!

so yeah. i dunno. i think that is very courageous of grace.

come talk to a PHAG ENABLER like me, grindr greg, or millennial woes, we will give you a safe space and cuddles hahahahahahaha.

anyway grace is a bigger winner than me anyway. at least she is working on achieving her dreams and is I think a successful college or grad student. maybe. maybe heshe is a basement dwelling sperg. definitely not a fat ugly one though!

and if you read herhis writing without thinking of who is writing it…….its pretty unimpeachable.

yep looks like i want to date and marry and cuddle with a MAN. ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING hahahaha.

but sinead thinks the alt k1ke is infested with “tradwives”, well i cant think of a single other one other than grace, and grace was imho brutally, savagely, unfairly punished.

dont tell trs i think her punishment was too severe tho, i will get banned for being a fag enabler hahahaha.

well, technically tranny enabler.

anyway i really do wish grace well but i should stop thinking about this because i am starting to turn gay hahaha.

she basically wants to become a 100% woman and to marry a straight man.

well dont many trannies want to become full 100% women rather than genderqueer?

well ok fine. but they still dont want to become SUPER OLD SCHOOL TRADITIONAL women!

and i appreciate grace for attempting to really understand what really being a traditional feminine woman means. hint its not being a GIRLY GIRL and liking JUST GIRL THINGS.

a fooking MAN understands being a woman better than WOMEN do hahahahahahahah hrmmmm. wwawaawwawawawa.

or am i just butthurt because i am lonely and havent been with a woman as good looking as a MAN, in 11 years?

yeah i think thats part of it too. like if i things had worked out with That Woman I wouldnt even be ENTERTAINING the thought of Dating A Man, hahahahahahahahahahaha.

but yeah, tradgrace is just a really really really interesting case.

so yeah grace you can email me at ufmll at yahoo dot com and we can have a real good conversation hahahaha.

i fully believe that tradgrace has sucked and fooked less cox than the average 25 year old white woman!

anyway i wish i could write as coherently and have as much courage as this transexual man hahahaha.

when i was young we didnt HAVE an alt right. so your only recourse was to slip into a nihilistic escapist world of drugs and alcohol and confusion and chaos and maybe if you still cared about race you could find an internet forum of neo nazi losers who were fat drunk degenerate losers and lived in their mothers basements. never any average normie 13 dollar an hour normies. but crazy neet losers. not the type of people you want to hang out with. rejects hanging out with all the other rejects. drinking and complaining about how all women are negro fookin whores. which 49% of them are hahahahahahaha.

ok screenshot program here, i sent them a 2 dollar dnation toot toot toot toot hahahaha.

i only donate to projects where most of the people have white sounding names hahahaha.

its just EXHAUSTING that you have to be FIGHTING and ARGUING and SELLING and CONVINCING and PERSUADING people ALL THE TIME, like heres why this is valuable, heres why what were doing isnt technically screwing you, just bullshitting and selling all the time, every little and big thing, every person you talk to, youre trying to sell them something they dont want to buy. and i am not talking about “sales”. i am talking about “service”. heres why we cant fix this. heres why you/we cant do this.  its just EXHAUSTING. i dont have that much ENERGY. only TRVMP has that much energy.

tfw when no tranny trap qt to help boost your energy hahahaha.

no this is terrible. i never did any bullying to grace, i never bullied anyone.

sheeeeeeeeit. getting nervous about New Job. like what do i say when i dont know waht to say but still have to sound smart and confident and competent? impostor syndrome. how do normies DO this. how is this not a problem for more people. how could not one normie write one book on how to DO this.

i bet tradgrace would try to be nice to me when HE rejected me hahahahahahahaha

HE wouldnt throw me away like a piece of garbage, or get SO DISGUSTED that a low mate value man could get feelings for HIM hahahahaha.

ok ok i shouldnt be making light of tradgrace. really. im not making fun of him. i mean i dont even have a huge problem with calling him her.

how to deal with assholes

an INSANELY VALUABLE LIFE SKILL. I never really learned it. whether the asshole is a bully, or just a rude asshole, or an angry customer, or somebody demanding an explanation, or its just a tough situation. maybe you need to be the asshole.

heh. i might have good communication skills if i didnt get so flustered and nervous.

worried about getting somehow rejected, or humiliated. dumped, fired, yelled at, insulted, bullied, thought of as an idiot or a weakling, shamed, shunned, given a hard time, verbally abused hahaha.

emotional labor theres a new phrase i learned in current year hehehehe.

nov 18

ok not spacing out muh posts so well, get a short post followed by a very long post. DEAL WITH IT hahahaha.

heh i like this arab/negro bath where you just wash you crotch region with soap and water and a bounty paper towel hahahaha. pretty effective and ridiculously FAST. TIME IS MONEY wagie! TICK TOCK! BACK TO WORK! ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER DOLLAR!

ok. completed final tb test, the “reading”. this nurse woman looked at it for literally 1 second and said OK youre all set! then i took the papers they gave me and drove them down to HR myself because they said they were gonna mail a copy, and i figured, deliver the myself so they can get them before the end of the day friday, rather than get them on tuesday, plus thanksgiving next week, etc.

got pair of medium champion sweatpants. they do not look nearly as big and sloppy as the Large sweatpants. got the sweatpants with gift card from research study. no money wasting. but it would have been worth it to spend real money because they LOOK A LOT BETTER. less neet virgin, less incel, less r9k, less loser, less nevergf.

whenever i see a damn woman my first thought is a knee jerk automatic negative thought about her being a Stupid, Immature Slut, fooking lots of cox, and being lost and fallen and a big baby, a damn CHILD. contempt and smug superiority is the first thing i feel when seeing a random woman. and i cant even use that smug superiority to translate into masculine confidence in dealing with these women directly. in those cases, then i feel hugely inferior!

bought this book impulsively because i need to do SOMETHING to IMPROVE muhself hahahaha.

i just heard about DBT this year, a few months ago, from a person in the social work field, and then i started seeing it everywhere, and the best selling self help books were all DBT, see people mentioning DBT all over reddit, etc.  yeah marsha ((((linehan)))) is a jooess but I think she really does want to help people. (update: i think she is actually hwyte and linehan is an irish name)

and yeah DBT was originally developed for BORDERLINE…..but that doesnt mean it hasnt also been used very effectively for LESS SERIOUS things like bipolar or depression or anxiety.

so, me reading this book does not mean im an antiwhite joo, or that i am a totally batshit borderline.

Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation & Distress Tolerance

uh YASSSS PLEASE these are all things i wouldnt mind improving!!!!!

so i thought well maybe i am a phag and maybe i would date tradgrace. but i wouldnt want to get sodomized by her D hahahaha. overall i just felt sympathy and pity for grace. i didnt think he/she should be thrown in the oven or bullycided. that in an ideal world we would use medical science to turn him into a real woman.

and that since im not really a real man, maybe it is appropriate that the best i can get is a not real woman. i mean me and grace both agree on the ideal of a man and a woman.

but a big worry of mine is that grace will have to continue taking female hormones the rest of “her” life. right?

and does something happen to hormone levels when you cut off a man’s balls?

im concerned about male vs female HORMONES in other words.

also, even if grace got rid of all the male hormones and got her D cut off and a Cosmetic V made….. he/she still doesnt have the internal works, the uterus, the ovaries, the menses, the physical essence of being a woman. even if he/she kinda DOES have the mental/spiritual essence of an Ideal Woman. he/she can never DO what WOMEN DO: have babies. and NOT in a way that an infertile woman can’t have babies.

so i thought, what is the best life for grace? whats the best way for them to have a family? should they?

I thought she might be a good tradwife for a beta male, or a gay man, or a guy like me that has good intentions, but just not enough Good Results to pull a Real Woman. and then maybe we could adopt white children from white deadbeats who have no interest in being good parents.

but i want REAL children of my own!

and dont you think GRACE does too?

so the best would be for grace to use her male sperm to have a baby with a white surrogate mother?

and then maybe grace could raise the child with her well-meaning but beta male husband?

how about an infertile male? plenty of men are “shooting blanks” and want to have children but they just have bad sperm!

another possibility would be grace becoming a celibate religious woman. but i am pretty sure grace is a larpagan and not into k1kegod hahahaha. hmmmm.

i think grace would be a good, loving parent to children…….but how the HELL do you tell your CHILD that their “mother” was born a MAN? do you EVER tell them?

this is a rock and a hard place. thats why i feel such sympathy and pity for grace. i think he/she is proceeding the best he/she can under these ridiculously unfortunate circumstances.

see i never felt like a real man, always inadequate and inferior and fairly feminine………..but i was never unhappy with being a MAN, i NEVER felt like im a woman stuck in a mans body.

i just feel like a Highly Above Average Feminine man, and I dont whether I should try to purge that femininity from me. i mean, im ok with accepting it……but so many WOMEN are NOT! And I would prefer to be with a woman than a transexual MtF hahahahaha.

really i think the answer is not for me to remove femininity from myself, but rather ADD MASCULINITY. by doing shit, facing fears, being courageous, being productive, lifting weights, doing more manly things.

i dunno. maybe grace needs to find her FtM counterpart haahahaha then they can get together and raise white children.

i mean yeah grace is literally a very special snowflake hahahaha.

so how could grace impregnate the FtM? they would both have to be “PREOP”. im not even sure grace is preop. I am SURE grace looks at her D and feels disgusted and wants to get rid of it.

i have NEVER had that feeling, except on VERY rare occasions like “i wish i could chop this stupid thing off and stop being attracted to women!!!! because im sick of failing with women!!!!!”

it wasnt a persistent thing, like i really really really really want to get rid of this D.

shit. did i mention i got a call for an interview today from the Top Rated Health Company I reallllllllllly wanted the IT job at, interviewed for, never heard back. they called today. i was like oh shit are they gonna OFFER me the IT job. then i would HAVE to turn down the job i was just offered. but no. it was for the different payroll job i appleid to a few days ago. so i was like welp i accepted this other offer, sorry, but I think your company is great and I may well apply in a year.

but yeah. it was just haunting to me that a “batshit crazy trannie” probably has had a less degen life than the average REAL woman, tons of casual sex, abortions, throwing people away, breaking hearts, cheating. grace hasnt done ANY of that. probably only been with 1 or 2 guys. long term rels only. and also all women are crazy anyway, dont know what they want, they are probably jsut about as crazy as a man who wants to become a woman.


but I have HUGE issues with women tho!!!!!! maybe if i didnt, then i would have a more “appropriate” reaction towards grace, that is, throw this degenerate into the oven immediately!!!!!!

so maybe this DBT book by the jooess will help me with my automatic negative thoughts and feels about Women hahahaha.

its not even BY the jooess, its by goys and building on the framework of the jooess.

uhh she is a “long term roman catholic” hehehe. is linehan a jooish name? i thought it was but it may be one of those irish names that sorta SOUNDS jooish. anyway linehan herself was/is batshit crazy with schizo and or borderline……but she became a very respected professor.

anyway i… starting to think she is not jooish. good!

joo york slimes article on linehan

wow she went through some shit, was totally batshit institutionalized, many suicide attempts, but gradually got her life together, did a lot of praying to catholic god, also got into mindfulness, i can appreciate all this! good for her! seriously!


ok linehan is an IRISH name hahaha confirmed. good.

i mean i dont rule joos OUT, like i still like leonard cohen, its just that when im not sure about a person, i would prefer for them to be not jooish, because, on the whole, on average, joos are bad hahahahaha.

i mean if i could ever think straight and not be anxious or angry and flustered, and in control of muh emotions, i think i am probably smart enough to figure out how to do things, how to fix problems, how to communicate well, how to be competent, how to add value, how to SELL shit all day, how to bullshit my way out of things, hahahaha. but its just i always get flustered by muh emotions. which is what women do hahahaha.



ok. i think i concluded that i will tell people that i was LAID OFF and that the center closed in late spring 2015. none of the coworkers are gonna try to investigate when the center closed. and then i just had a REAL HARD TIME finding a job and did NOT want to go back to the Service Desk World, BAMN, and I had a tuff time finding a non service desk job.  REAL tuff. hey. i coulda taken this FT job for 16 bucks an hour, but id rather take a part time job for 11 bucks an hour, because its not a service desk!

so yeah these sweatpants look a lot better than the old ones. i should just throw them out. i mean when you wear clothes that are just WAY TOO BIG you look BAD, like a FAILURE hahahaha, it is not good for the CONFIDENCE. i mean if you have unshakable confidence and a qt trapwaifu to loyally comfort you, fine, good for you, dress like a slob and see how long your qt trapwife will stand by u, hahahaha. but if you are a lonely emo just struggling to do the bare minimum, you need all the help with confidence you can get, and Dressing Better is a very valuable thing.

did i mention i showed courage and bravery and asked this guy about MJ. so i am just glad i showed courage and bravery and talked about it directly. he said he could not do it right NOW, and i said thats just fine, and it really is, he had a very good reason.  i was just glad to DO SOMETHING like a MAN and not be too AFRAID to DO SOMETHING.

of course MJ is degen AF hehehehe. but i want to go thru that degen phase. its not NEARLY as degen as being a tranny or a WOMAN hahahaha

heh. between WOMEN and TRANNIES, i sympathize with the TRANNY. WOW. that says a lot about ME.

but honestly. i dont mean to bully or be mean to grace. he/she has a tough path in life, and he/she has the good intentions of wanting to do whats best for The Race. which is more than i can say for most women hahahaha.

yeah but women arent SUPPOSED to care about the race!

women arent SUPPOSED to be mature adults!

women arent SUPPOSED to know what they want!

women arent SUPPOSED to be held accountable for anything!

the dog isnt SUPPOSED to control himself from eating the steak!

women arent SUPPOSED to learn how to CONTROL themselves! only MEN are SUPPOSED to do that!

see? see? slippery slope hahahaha.

women are SUPPOSED/EXPECTED to be able to know that killing your babies is wrong!



THEYRE INCAPABLE OF being responsible, accountable, full mature adults!

well yeah a lot of them ARE tho.

if i actually hung out more women who WERE mature adults then i would see that literally NOT ALL WOMEN are immature bratty children.

then i would probably fall in luv with them and they would treat me like a bratty child would hahahaha.

prof linehan spent years in a psych ward for schizo and got tons of thorazine and electroshock, but she still did well with her life. they said she was schizo but she thinks she was actually Borderline.

im really not sure which is worse. both are horrible. schizo is TECHNICALLY worse probably, but i still think borderline is FOOKING AWFUL.

anyway if DBT can work on FOOKING AWFUL serious shit, then it stands to reason that it could work on more pleb garden variety shit tier stuff. babbys first mental disorder like despair or anxiety hahahaha.

which is more of a spiritual or moral disorder hahahaha. ok, how about “EMOTIONAL”. i would def agree on that term. i mean what is “mental” anyway.

took some nyquil. probably dont have to!

got a list of things i should study before starting the job in over 2 weeks. programs and shit.  i wanted to make a good impression with the boss. told him i want to HIT THE GROUND RUNNING so theres as little of a learning curve as possible and that i can study as much shit as possible in the 2 weeks before i start. here is muh cell phone number and personal email boss, you can give them to the other people on the team.

can i log into my account. did the admit set up my account yet. i would do it myself if i could, but uh thats a OpSec AppSec NetSec issue, we cant all be admins hahaha you as a phd would understand. i dont need to tell you this boss. but i know you know, and i want you to know i know you know.

had a dream last night that featured andrew anglin, and, in a cameo appearance, weev. i was in a bookstore or comic book store that was owned by anglin. he regularly came in and did honest work in the store, selling his books and dealing with angry asshole customers. i said to the other customers, dont you know who that little guy is? thats anglin man, he owns this store, he’s done all this great work for our race, i should say something to him. i was too scared to approach him since he appeared focused on work and wasnt talking to anyone. weevs cameo was as an assistant of anglin. they were calling peoples names who had orders. he called my name for like the 3rd time as i came to receive the 3rd or so book i had ordered. this one was the autobiography of anglin himself, which looked like a fun book with plenty of graphic novel / comic type illustrations.

that was about it. i didnt talk to anglin OR weev.

anyway both of these guys should write books, incl autobiographies, id buy them and read them.

its possible anglin is currently in the US. of course i cant blame him for being circumspect about where he currently is. he also has a very qt blond gf, total 8/10 at least. good for him. he is shorter than ME but he is WAYYYYY more manly than me. i mean look at all the good he’s done with his LIFE. i ADMIRE him.

i hope he doesnt go crazy when his gf dumps him. i hope she is nice to him when she dumps him. i hope she doesnt dump him, and they get married and have 5 children!!!!!!!!!!

but he and me have similar dim views of women. and i dont want that to keep him from meeting a good woman. i bet he has faced a lot of humiliating rejection from women in his life, and so i sympathize with him greatly.

no proof. just speculation because he is really short and he has a knee jerk negative attitude about women. but TOO MANY ARE huge sluts!

but if he (I) didnt get rejected more than he got Luved, then he wouldnt even THINK about all those sluts. those rejecting sluts, who say yes to everyone else, but NO to manlets like us hahahaha.

well i dont WANT a woman who says YES to everyone else…….well i dont want them for the mother of muh children. but i might want them right NOW for the short term because i havent been with a woman in 11 years hahaha.


get therapy, work on yourself for at least 10 more years and you cant date anyone until you are 100% fixed, prepare for 10-20 years, or a lifetime of, incel hahahaha

you cant date until youre perfect. women can date even when they are batshit imperfect. because women can get pregnant. this is right and just.

i just wish women were LESS HARSH to the men they arent attracted to. accept that this is a person and not a disgusting vermin hahaha. of course hes not entitled to you to like him back. just dont PUNISH him for having the AUDACITY to LIKE you. its not the end of the damn world. he isnt commiting a damn CRIME.  its like EXECUTING someone for going 6 over the speed limit. It’s like sawing a persons face off while they’re alive and screaming, for doing a lane change with not enough turn signalling. punishment does not fit the crime.

i was referring to this horrible shock video of a mexican drug cartel torturing and killing this guy by slowly tearing his face off while he is still conscious hahaha. I AINT WATCHIN DAT SHIT N199A.jpg hahahahaha.

no i never watched it. i just read a thread about it. 10 years ago, i would have been tempted to watch it. now, hell no.

buy new balance shoes and products because they are hated by leftists and try to make a lot of their products in the US and have not sold out to CHINA. and a ton of shitlibs are boycotting new balance, and nationalists and rights are openly wearing new balance as a signal. DO IT.

yeah i know its wayyyyyyy too expensive if youre a neet. or even if you are not a neet but just a normie making 12 bucks an hour and pay 800 bucks a month for rent and 1000 bucks a month for college loans and 300 bucks a month for car and 300 bucks a month for health care and 100 bucks a month for cable and 100 bucks a month for utilities.

thats 2600 bucks every month for expenses. at at 12 dollars an hour, you only MAKE 2400 bucks at 50 hours a week, WAGIE. so how can you AFFORD to spend 80 bucks on a pair of PRO WHITE SHOES.






that was my big lesson yesterday.


That Person TURNING on me, that was for the REASON on, to teach me the LESSON of, I thought she was the ONE……but she WASNT. I was WRONG about her being my soulmate or wife or waifu or gf. i was so in luv, and the luv itself wasnt wrong…..but the person was wrong.

i thought she was the one…..and this is the hands of fate or muh higher power saying NOPE. WRONG. SHE IS NOT the ONE.


and similarly, that job was not meant for me. i mean i hated it anyway but i learned how to survive it and prob would have kept surviving if SHE wasnt there. but it wasnt the job i was destined for hahahahaha.

besides even if the next job i get is even shittier…….itll also by definition be somewhat better because SHE wont be there.

and if i fall in luv with a coworker, then i will just tell her and get it over with. it will be easier because i wont have a long term friendship/relship on the line.

its not like i just met That Woman at That Job. it was a very unusual situation, where we were ALREADY friends, and then BOTH got this new job at the same time, as kind of a cooperative coordinated effort. i didnt get into the new job THEN meet her.

heh though i did meet her at my previous job. then we became friends, gradually became closer in IMHO a very Natural and Slow Normal Right Good Process, rather than fooking somebody in a damn Grotesque Charade of Intimacy within a few weeks.

we became closer and of course talked about jobs and finding better jobs. found out a company was hiring a ton of people. both got in.

what if i fell in luv with her while at previous job? well…..during that time she was still with her boifran. and i didnt have feelz for her. and if i DID, we were CLOSER then, and TALKED and HUNG OUT more, so, i prob would have found it easier to tell her.

heh. i wonder if she became friends with me just to try to make her bf jealous. its possible. she wanted him to luv her more and i dont think she was above trying to make him jealous.

that didnt really work, cuz i just became normal friends with her, and i eventually became somewhat friendly with HIM! not sure if she saw that coming. but she said she was happy about that because he didnt have many friends.

it was really weird how she took so long to tell me about HIM. she told me about other things but took forever to tell me about him.

its not that she wanted to cheat on him, in fact i fully believe she wanted to make him jealous so HE could prove his luv for her, because she was hopelessly in luv with him, and wanted him to luv HER. sound familiar???? hahahaha

well eventually she opened up to me about him. i took that to mean that these topics it took her FOREVER to talk about but she eventually would. but eventually wiht my case, i couldnt wait forever. it was killing me!

there were a lot of moving parts here. variables. makes my situation unique. i just cant refer to the manual for what to do when you fall in luv with your friend, after 2 years, when you work together, at a horribly stressful job, but you didnt meet at THAT job, and they give you a terrible silent treatment and avoiding, and refuse to hang out with you, when they used to hang out with you. lot of moving parts hahahahaha.

cant just look this one up in the manual and get step by step process of what to do.

no i mean i already know what i should have done, blurted it out within 3 months. so, by like january or feb 2015 at the latest, pulled her aside and told her at work, and or written an email. in feb, not july. that extra 5 months pushed me over the edge.

link to trs forum 2.0 which was completely SHOAHED plus they wouldnt want outsider normies reading their threads ANYWAY

hehehe good thread. marry a loyal feminine nonwhite woman or a piece of shit white woman hahahaha

maybe she owuld have liked me if i PUT HER IN HER PLACE and corrected her bad behavior. it was all a massive shit test, which i failed MISERABLY hahahaha. because i have always been bad at shit tests. and thats why ive never “been with” a woman more than 2 months. but i can still be friends with women becuase then theres no shit tests.

heh. i wish they didnt give such STUPID shit tests. also there were times when i sort of teased her in a masculine strong way.

heh i regret not being more of an ASSHOLE to her. maybe that would have passed her SHIT TEST and she would have been muh wife hahaha.

but thats the problem with being friends first, is that youre not used to being an ASSHOLE to them.

great thread on trs forum racecucks on hahaha

great forum altogether, been visiting it on the reg and getting useful info from decent “fashy” “based” people. kind of like /pol but not anonymous and more camaraderie towards a more explicit goal than /pol .  these are real people and we all want basically the same thing. sort of.

shit if she wanted me to SPANK her to teach her to be a good gurl and not a bad gurl, and respect me as the man, i was/am MORE THAN WILLING to give her a GOOD spanking!

but yeah when is the first shit test given?

honestly whats more likely is that she was not interested in me at ALL in that way and was not “shit testing” me, even though shit testing is not conscious; but it was her just wanting to avoid dealing with an Inconvenient Truth.

thats a bit different than a simple standard shit test.


i have never been good at shit tests. i have always cracked. i have always been willing to give the women whatever they want. cuz im scared they will leave me. and im like i wish you could just TELL ME what you want and i would work with you. but you just get mad and then leave me because i dont do the right thing apparently. tell me what you want. but thats a joke because its womens nature to never tell you what they want? you have to figure out that they want a strong man to put them in their place somehow. they dont even really know what they want. they need a manly man to SHOW them what they want. and i have never been that kind of man.

and i have ALWAYS failed with women. but its always been uncertain what the cause was. BUT ive always been kinda unmanly in that repsect, that i dont PUT THEM IN THEIR PLACE.

of course theyre not going to TELL YOU. theyre TESTING you. they might not even REALIZE theyre testing you. its a NONVERBAL test and i ALWAYS fail it.

but the more reasonable and Positive for me interpretation here is, it wasnt a real shit test, because she was never really interested in me.  she wouldnt even hang out with me. dont shit tests happen when they hang out with you?

try to explain things you dont understand.

trying to fix things, where you dont even know what they ARE. saying fix this car and you dont even know what a car IS.  you bring it back and say uhhhhh does that look good to you? and they say yeah i guess but would you know if you fixed it? and then you bullshit bakc, well, you have to try it though to see if it breaks again. because i dont even know what a car is, i dont know how to test it.

i dont know what its supposed to look like when it works. i couldnt even tell it was broken. now that ive Reset it, im not sure if ive done that right, and i dnt know how to test it.

yes youre right, i DONT know what im doing! but its the current year and dont you know companies dont train people? im an FNG and i am jsut trying to figure stuff out.

its confidence building to figure out a problem on your own, but its not confidence building to take an exam without studying or preparing. and the entire work day is the exam. and people are bitching at you, dont you know what youre doing? no, not really!

mgtows say yes all women are like that or will become like that with the poisonous influence of our culture. women jsut cant be trusted.

traditionals say have you ever TALKED to women? not as many women are shitty like you think. there are more good woman out there than you think.

hehehehehe i really hope so.

i was trying to think of a good right wing fascist traditional role model for Rels. well you go to the man, Uncle Al himself, AH, 1488, and……while being a powerful thinker and leader and man, not sure he was the best role model for rels with women. i mean he never even had any children! although i think he had a good rel with eva braun. who was a traditional nonslut woman who loved and supported him and i am sure he luved her too hehehehe.

so WWAHD if eva braun gave him a shit test and stopped talking to him?

a degenerate r-selected rat might say, demonstrate higher value, be unflappable, and become unavailable to her, maybe even “spin plates.”

or do you confront the issue directly, say I DEMAND SATISFACTION, I WILL NOT BE TREATED THIS WAY, YOU CHANGE OR IM GONNA LEAVE YOU. then you look butthurd and man and thats not secsy to care that much and get so emotional!

plus Uncle Al was probably not one to play Childish Merchant Mind Games with White Women. He would probably go the direct route and say,


you are pushing my boundaries. stepping over the line.

so if you are not happy about that……i mean you let that UPSET you, because you CARE too much… thats BAD? and pushes the woman away? because you CARE about her? damn.

well to keep a woman from leaving you, you have to not care about them too much?

i guess. what would Uncle Al do. he would say, you treat me with respect, or i;ll find someone who will.

and then she can say oooo u mad and then dump him for not handling the shit test like a Cool Guy.

is that immature? arent all women immature until they have at least 3 kids? which most women never do?

i mean i am immature but i want to communicate when there are problems. maybe that is NAIVE? to think women will be willing and able to communicate, when you should know just  to PUT THEM IN THEIR PLACE??!?!?!?!!

i was watching pbs and they had rolling stones live in 1971 at the marquee club in london. it was a very good performance, very electrifying, the stones were at a peak. sound quality was great but the video was very spastic, with fast cuts or just close ups on mick jaggers face. just show the damn band and move and zoom slowly. and dont do so many face close ups. the band is more than mick jagger. or is this pandering to women who dont care about the rest of the band. but theyd certainly fook one of the other guys if mick was occupied. hahahaha. see how much i hate women? its a poisonous attitude.

basically, you should not be looking for a good gurl backstage at a rolling stones concert hahahaaha or any rock concert. gurls hanging around trying to FOOK rock stars. ok a woman can GO to the rock concert but dont try to FOOK the rock stars. just enjoy the concert and GO HOME when its over.

also i cant PROVE that it was my lack of masculinity that drove all the gurls away. i am unmanly and i do always get dumped but i cant PROVE that it was THIS common factor that was the root cause. but its a very easy way to scapegoat myself. i mean i am trying to improve my manliness.

anyway the stones show was excellent BUT the band is HUGE degenerates. mick prancing around like a faggot, but he sounded great. all the guys on drugs and booze and banging sluts after their shows. this is no way to live. yet they were young and strong and virile and the drugs was working well at that time. they looked young. it was strange to think, holy shit, i am OLDER THAN THE ROLLING STONES were in this video. the guy said mick and keith were 27 in this video and i was like shit i am way older than that! also they looked better than i did at 27! and they drank more! so why did they look good? because they were happy to be rocking out and banging bitches? but it was weird how some of them looked like they were dead. very wooden. well i am talking particularly about the bass player bill wyman looked dead. but who gives a shit about the bass player? nonetheless i felt he should have been having more fun. unless he was morally conflicted about being with degenerates. but im sure he wasnt. he was doing drugs and banging sluts too. so have a little more fun. a similar issue was happening with the second player, who i learned was “mick taylor” of john mayalls blues band. brian jones came before and ronnie wood came after.

anyway they did degenerate shit. i learned there was a push by their ((((MANAGER)))) to give them more of a bad boy image around this time. its an interesting lesson in how women give it up easy for badbois hahahahahaha.

the music and the performance were outstanding but there is a LOT of degeneracy to Parse Out here, which most degenerate rock fans would not be willing or able to do. ive been there myself! but i dont want to give up the music itself entirely. its the kind of degenreate wild oats i wanted to sow when i was young and never managed to do that for myself. although 27 is too old for them to be doing that hahahaha.

theres a thought that mgtow is just the opposite of feminism in the sense that its a psyop by our masters to make men and women hate each other. good goyim, women are scary and bad, maybe you should go mgtow or go gay and never have a white family! yes good goyim!

where feminism does the same thing just to women. yes shiksa hate those oppressive men! be a slut and give yourself away and let us indoctrinate your bastard mixed children!

but i never understood how haivng a bunch of welfare parasites is in the interest of the powers that be. its not like you can get tax money out of them, if they are not working. do you tax their welfare benefits hehehehe

but i would think the ideal situation is have as many people working so you can get as much tax money as possible.

anyway i might go on a blackout of mgtow type stuff because its just not good for my mental health to be that hateful to women hahahahah.

but i also gotta avoid PUA/Game stuff becasue thats even worse. total degeneracy.

yes the pro-white alt-right is a good place for me right now.

there is some overlap with manosphere and mra and mgtow and maybe even game. and i cant say mgtow is BAD. i totally understand it, almost TOO well.

i just wanna be a white knight to women and mgtow doesnt let me do thatttttt!!!!!!!

hehehe alt right says that mgtow is a mirror of sjw leftists; mgtow sayz that alt right is a mirror of sjw leftists oh good lord.

so i shouldnt have let her become so important to me?

i couldnt help it i swear. and i told her stuff like you are very imporatnt to me and weve been friends for a while now and i really appreciate that and i hope we can be friends for a long time and maybe become even closer and hang out more.  i said shit like that in my infamous xmas 2014 message which i sorta wish i saved. that was probably the biggest signal to her.

hehehe. so you should take ritalin or adderrall before you start work so you are ready to hit the ground running and not seem like you aer stupid or drugged or slow.

but also take valium or xanax so youre not freaking out. then the second you get

off the clock, take some nyquil or a sleeping pill. but of course stay at your office at LEAST an extra hour reading and studying and self training and asking Senior TeamMates questions and Signaling and especially if there are Higher Ups there who can see you staying after your shift.

once they go home, then you can go home and also by now the nyquil should be kicking in.

then go home and take care of your aging family, and you have no wife or gf or kidz, and study more work shit and take MJ if youre lucky hahahaha. you got about 1-2 hours to do all this then you SHOULD get to bed so you get enough rest to be ON for the long day tomorrow.

but it can be hard to sleep when you are worried about the job and life. but you have to sleep to be ON because every day is like a Big Exam that you’re never quite ready for.

come on. things coulda been so good. hahahaha. it was nice just to get along with a woman over the long term. thats why i like the “being friends” thing cuz that never happened when i pseudodated bitches.  i like getting to know someone, and trust them, respect them, get comfortable with them, and it would be perfect to be able to upgrade that. but do all women put you in the friendzone hahahaha.

was this wasnt even really friendzone, it was more like, i am gonna be SO OFFENDED by you liking me that i am never gonna talk to you again and we are gonna end a long term friendship right now and thats it.

are all women like this?

no, most women are even worse hahahahahaha i got off lucky!

well she was one of the most positive things in my life. i remember the good times. there really were not NEARLY as many. cause we didnt hang out enough. i regret not hanging out with her enough ahhahaha. but kinda hard if she doesnt WANT to hang out hahahaha.

but yeah i had never even been friends with a woman for years. just totally rusty. i am not used to any drama with women or how to deal with women at all! well things only got WEIRD once i got feelings for her.

but now i know can get feelings for a woman after several years.

i guess for future reference, WARN the women so they get fair warning. yeah who knows i might get feelings for you 2 years in. so lets always talk about this in the open.

shit. it doesnt even matter if they are ugly and old and have 5 mud kids and been with 30 guys and have shitty tattoos and are < 6/10 hahaha. i might still fall in luv with them. PREPARE FOR THE WORST.

basically anything can happen. i didnt think i would ever get feelings for her and i sure did. and it totally makes sense. we were close, i liked her as a person, AND she was an attractive young woman, low number, nice, not obnoxiously, not a whore, nothing blatantly ugly like obese or ugly face or stumpy hahahaha, yeah whats weird is i didnt get feelings sooner.

but yeah i hate feeling incompetent at everything job related. cant talk to customers, dont know what i am doing. but i CAN talk to customers and i CAN fake my way until after a year i sorta DO know what i am doing!

just the thought of her was a big support for me. the fantasy i had. being in luv with her. i cant believe the feelings only lasted 10 months. well, technically they are still ongoing hahaha.

i cant believe how much i invested in her. when i didnt want to get that invested in ANYONE. i was invested in her without even realizing.

and you always question yourself. mauybe i didnt beg ENOUGH hahahaha.

no of course i begged enough. but as soon as the tension was rising by feb, which was already like 4 months in, should blurted.

just sad. stuff was once so good and it went so so so so bad. it has left behind a huge void in muh life. unfort i really do need wimmin hahahahaha.



yeah she had this woe is me, im a poor victim mentality which probably wasnt good. makes white knights want to swoop in and help her and she can reject them and blame them because shes the defensive victim hahaha. but she honestly had horrible things happen in her life so it was kinda justified. but i dont think she was Raeped or Molested suprisingly enough, and that might have been the final straw for me, becuase girls that had been raeped/molested are often SO batshit crazy, and promiscuous, and she didnt have that. her family was good to her, there was just some people dying in tragic ways that she had a hard time gettnig over. but maybe it was healthy grief and she was just honoring their memories.

well i can think of someone else where she could have honored their memory for the good years had. hahahaha.

the same broken record its always gonna be.

why’d she do this?

because she wanted to be done and this was the easy way out. easier than having The Final Talk.

how could she do this to someone who was once her special friend? because she didnt see me as her special friend anymore. that was over. so therefore i wasnt gonna get any respect or mercy or kindness.

so what if that phase is over. respect what once was. i know shes still the same person i was friends with, then feel in luv with, then she became a royal B. but was still the same person, but people change, but they can still get back to their Good Old Selves cant they?

in other words this is where the unanswered questions come in. like yeah she can decide im no longer her friend, but i think she should have still recognized What We Had, and shown consideration for that when Ending The Rel. that that would have persuaded her to NOT take the easy way out, that that would have made the easy way out seem blatantly WRONG, whcih i think it was!!!!!

so thats why i am always harping on her “showing the relationship the respect it deserves” etc. so why didnt she? becuase she didnt like me that way, she was annoyed with me, and she wanted the easy way out.

yeah it just hurts hahahaha. feel the feelings. i thought she would be convinced to NOT take the easy way out, because even though things were bad now, she would remember how good they were in the past. did those times ever matter? i think they did. but…when did she forget them? i will never know. maybe she didnt forget them, but Easy Way Out is a TEMPTING, POWERFUL thing.

in a way i did the same thing, by just quitting muh job. i just shut down and couldnt do it any more. also things would have gotten ugly as fook. i do not deal with the Rejector well afterwards hahahaha.

shit. anyway. i guess i am angry that she didnt find out Friendship special enough to treat me like a human being, that this wouldnt outweigh easy way out. never underestimate easy way out though.

well, is she the type of person more likely to Run Away, or to Face Conflict Head On?

to ask the question is to answer it hahahaha.

so it really is consistent with her personality in a way.

its very disappointing tho.

but i dont need to come up with elaborate rationalizations to be disappointed, because…..

its very valid and reasonable to be very disappointed when someone you LOVE DUMPS you! period! and then even moreso when they dump you in a Bad way compared to a good way! the end!

hehehe i should have been a Geography Major hahahaha when i am angry and emotional i just look at google maps and geek out for 15 minutes at least.

so how can we work Engineering into that. Always try to work Engineering into your College Major choice hahaha.

Relationship Psychology Engineering.

“neuropsychology engineering”, engineering psych drugs, biomedical, etc would be good choices for my interest.

as far as the maps? geospatial engineering? civil engineering? yeah thats prob in a nearby ballpark.

but i have never been super interested in science or tech or engineering!

i look at the map and think well whats the history of this country, how did it get this border, what ethnic groups live here, who has controlled this area, is this place a shithole, etc.

or you learn shit, like the “west bank” area of “palestine” is HUGE, its practically as big as the “regular” part of israel, and famous cities like bethlehem and jericho are in the “west bank.” and it goes right the fook up to jerusalem, which is divided into east and west, and a lot of the super historical stuff like western wall, mount of olives, calvary etc are in a more “palestinian” than “jewish” part of jerusalem? why isnt there more terror attacks in jerusalem against the zionist oppressors hahahaha. you would think jerusalem would be a constant war zone right now as we speak.

or weird islands in the middle of the ocean like the azores. how far are the azores from bermuda. what is the most civilized first world country closet to the equator, becuase i want to live somewhere warm but not in a third world shithole, or the damn cannibal rainforest, or the arabian desert, or the african desert hahahahaha.

or places where three countries come together. for example, poland, czech, and germany. i mean 3 countries have a “TRIPOINT” in MANY places throughout the world, not a big deal really, but i still enjoy some of them.

or did you know indonesia was a member of OPEC until 2008 or so.

or the island of Borneo has Malaysia, brunei, and indonesia on it. a section of malaysia that is quite separated from “mainland” malaysia.

or why does libya have oil but egypt doesnt. or why are there no big cities in the sinai peninsula. is it because its a total fooking desert? and its stupid to have a big city in the desert?

or where is macau in relation to hong kong. or where does the philipines and japan begin.

or india is shaped REALLY weird on its eastern side.

or kazakhstan is so ridiculously big and how does it not have oil or some sort of natural resources.

or that the bering strait is not that big and there is an american island right in the middle of it that is only like 20 miles from russia so technically the us and russia are “neighbors.”

so yeah i have a genuine interest and curiousity in maps, one of my most normalfag qualities. wish i had realized this earlier and used it to make a career when i was young. although i always liked loking at the globe and maps when i was a small child. but we didnt have google maps and also i was too lazy to spend much time with the bigass world atlas books in the liberry.

wow i am watching the bbc world news channel and it is leftist as fook, even moreso than msnbc, but it makes me feel smart and informed more than any american news channel hahahaha. real smug asshole. cuz it talks about world news and i am interested in the whole world. but not in a global way hahahaha. i am anti-global. i am A NATIONALIST. we should close our damn borders and manufacture our own shit hahaha.

ANYWAY, i dont need to EXPLAIN why i am VERY UPSET about being dumped. it doesnt NEED that many mental gymnastics.

but its just AMAZING how LONG it takes to STOP LOVING the person. even though you KNOW its done, you KNOW they arent coming back, you KNOW they dont Luv you, you KNOW its stupid and can never be fixed. you still luv them and want them back. you still think about them ALL THE TIME even though you havent SEEN them or talked to them in MONTHS. you still love them more than some Rando. even thoguh you are done with them and havent seen them in months.

shit if i am still hung up on them and i havent seen them (her), how they hell could i work wth her 8 hours a day.

hahaha i should read return of kings more. i went back here to read matt forneys explosive girls with tattoos article

and its just filled with good reads about how slutty and stupid Almost All Women Are hahahahaha

” Face it: the vast majority of girls are as hollow as a drum. The three or four surplus IQ points that college-educated girls have are wasted on them, because all they’re used for is rationalizing a life of mindless consumption and sluttiness. If the modern West is a cesspool, girls are its most devoted coprophages, gulping down runny diarrhea by the bucketload with forced smiles on their faces. ”

hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha i think i just fell in luv with matt forney

(not forney hahaha)

so i was begging to be treated like a human being and when i didnt get it, i worried about how it was all my fault, blaming myself? COME ON. dont be RIDICULOUS. this is treating her like an INFANT. of course many women are emotional infants, but they dont HAVE to be. HOLD THEM ACCOUNTABLE.

she could have chosen to be respectful to me.

oh it was because i didnt have good RELATIONSHIP GAME. because i started to show weakness and vulnerability. so, all my fault.

well fook you. i think a good woman will stand by her man when times are tough. i mean they DONT, but they should. because i am assuming women are LOYAL and TRUSTWORHTY like men are. but they jsut dont have it in them! they are MERCENARIES!

i figured out women will have babies with Bad Deadbeats even though the risk is so big, because Teenagers both men and women are horny as fook and that clouds their brain. an 18 year old girl or boy are both horny as hell and will fook deadbeats. and nature is priming humans to be horny as hell shortly after puberty, so they can REPRODUCE YOUNG. and when you are YOUNG, your hormones are RAGING and you cant think straight, especially for long term mates. you dont think straight  until age 25 but ideally by then the woman already has 5 kids!

so that sounds a bit r selected then?

bbbbut the woman needs a resource provider while she is pregnant all the time! so who does that? the husband? the husbands family? the wifes family? cuz theoretically the woman can fall back on her family to help if the father is a deadbeat. well this certainly is the case i think with many single mothers.

anyway i was just wondering how woman could be so easily fooled into having long term babies with short term men. because they are so damn horned up with the hormones of adolescence to understand the implications of being a woman and having babies. becuase essentially humans are optimized to start having children YOUNG, at like age 16 or 17. we have Old Brains that are not optimized to the modern world we live in.

so thats why women are so gullible and have babies with ANYONE. cuz Horny Hormones at age 17 make you do stupid things, unless you are damn physically restrained by your family.

so i tried thinking of the last time i was super annoyed by somebody, to try to image what my damn female ex friend was thinking. obviously an exercise in futility that hahahaha. most people that ANNOY me are just random strangers being obnoxious and stupid. not anyone who’s CLOSE to me like a friend.

the closest thing is a friend who annoys me in the sense that he consistently disappoints me with his stupid drinking. so i distance myself from him. but i always go hang out with him when he calls me. cuz i dont want to write him off entirely. i always give him another chance. then i visit him and he is drinking and its disappointing, annoying, frustrating. this guy is a Problem Drinker ok, not a social drinker drinking moderately. drinking will obviously Ruin His Life and everybody that cares abotu him wants him to stop drinking like an idiot.

also i am not in love with him hahahaha.

but he annoys me with this so i am distant from him. but i know deep down hes a good guy and that he could stop drinking if he wanted and we get along a lot better when he is not drinking.

i dont want to have a Serious Talk with him about his Drinking because it just wont help. but i am not giving him the Silent Treatment. when he calls me i answer and go hang out with him. just not as regularly as we once did. and i talk to him. and if he wanted to have a serious talk with me i would.

however i have tried to assert myself by saying “dont drink while I’m here. I cant control what you do when i’m not here, but just do me a god damn favor because i’m asking you, dont drink in front of ME.”

but he still finds other ways to annoy me and Push My Boundaries. like i have to blow into his damn car ignition lock because he was drinking before i came over. or buying booze to drink when i leave. come on.

but like i say. thats a different kind of relationship. i have know this guy for 15+ years, i am not in love with him, we have had our ups and downs.

well ok. what if he were begging me to please just hang out and communicate. i would say ok lets do that!

besides. ok so he is the symbol of me. but what he’s doing is a lot worse!!!! him throwing his damn life away on booze is a lot worse than me saying “please baby lets hang out and try to save our rel”.

so yeah in other words i SHOULDNT BE BLAMING MYSELF. AT ALL.

i wasnt perfect but guess what neither was she, she was WAY WORSE. 60 40. hahaha. more like 70 30. nobodys fooking perfect. and maybe women are terrible at loyalty , but i say bullshit. thats NO EXCUSE. i will not let women GET AWAY with that. well women are allowed to treat you like shit, just because women aren’t loyal. fook that shit. learn to be loyal bitch hahahaha.

bbbbut i deserved this, becuase in her mind, I had already betrayed and ended the friendship the moment i got feelings.

heh i addressed this point in an email to her which got no response.

it changes the relationship sure, but its not a BETRAYAL. you need to communicate about it. it doesnt make the person who got the feelings a bad person.

its amazing how much time and energy ive spent trying to convince myself that i didnt deserve this, that im not a horrible person.

well when someone you love treats you like a horrible person, you start to think youre a damn horrible person! but im not! what she did is a lot more horrible than anything i did! fook!

and i make EXCUSES FOR HER, and i make excuses as to why yes i AM a horrible person wholly to blame!

well i do that because i LOVE her and this is what LOVE makes you do. crazy, self-destructive shit. in a healthy rel, it becomes a somewhat more healthy sense of Being Willing To Make Sacrifices For The Person You Love. which can obviously be taken advantage of.

anyway yeah i am starting to think more logically, or at least i can see the logical continent ahead of me on the horizon as i gradually sail towards it. i know what the logical position is. namely, i didnt deserve this. i was wronged.

i need to beat this point into my thick skull. honestly its taken a very long time.

so i wasnt alpha enough and didnt play my relationship game well enough. she could have still been nicer, more gentle. when you DUMP someone, dump them gently. its just the right thing to do when you DUMP somebody.

bbbbbbut she never wanted to date , therefore she never ASKED to be in the position to DUMP me, therefore she doesnt have to be nice about it.

see how i refuse to take my own side? and always take hers?

that is again the love for her, and the lack of love for myself, and the Bad Boundaries. but love kind of muddies the boundaries anyway. i think that’s normal for love to do. kinda like how its NORMAL to put the p on a pedestal, thats kidna what luv IS.

but this is exactly why you confess the love EARLY, so the boundaries dont get too screwed up before you find out the other person doesnt love YOU.

so i would say its normal, right, and natural for LOVE to erode your boundaries, make you ptu the other person on a pedestal, make sacrifices for them, be loyal to them, etc etc.

this makes mutual luv VERY good, but it makes one sided luv VERY painful. but thats what makes luv powerful. makes it such a powerful connection. its not INHERENTLY bad. but it can often be bad if you, like me, get into stupid one sided unrequited luv situations. fook that shit.

thats why its better to blurt it out EARLY. it saves YOU a lot of pain. be selfish. love your self. spare yourself a LOT of pain!!!!




it has been like 85 days since i was destroyed and today i feel meh i dunno of course angry and disappointed about that but also worried about muh future and how i threw it all away “simply” because i didnt want to work with her being a damn hateful B to me hahahaha.


yeah i know it sucks when somebody is annoying you, but couldnt you see where i was coming from? that i wanted to talk, to figure a problem out? sure i was about as mature as a 16 year old in handling this, but you were mature as a 2 year old hahahaha.

imagine when you first met [main bf] you started off as just friends. you became good friends over the course of 2 years. then you realized you liked him as more than a friend and wanted to have a more intimate rel with him. then imagine as soon as you realized that, he began pulling away from you more and more over the next 10 months. you would try to hang out with him and talk to him and send him signals, but he kept pulling away. but on the surface you would pretend to be friends which gave you hope that you would at least settle this someone. but it was incrasingly stressful and one day he stopped talking to you altogether. you knew there was tension but you didnt expect this. also imagine you both worked together at a job you absolutely despised and which made you really nervous. but he seemed to be ok with it. but that didnt help you any because he was distant from you and didnt really want to help you with the job, let alone be your friend and hang out with you like he used. you hadnt even hung out in 10 months. no hanging out, no dinners, no movies, no good talks. you could not take it much longer, it felt liek something was gonna break. you wrote him a letter expressing your desire to talk and resstablish a connection but he didnt do anything in response. and then imagine the nice relationship you had never existed, and ended before it began, with him suddenly dumping you and getting really mad at you, when all you really wanted to do was have an honest serious talk with him about how you liked him a lot. the end.

can you see how that would be pretty bad for you?

i was also angry at how you NEVER EVEN TRIED. I may have tried in a ridiculous way, but i tried. you did not seem to try at all. even if you had just told me “im trying” that would have been better. or saying “i really want to try”. but that would involve talking to me hahaha ok thats angry. i am sort of angry at you. i wasnt perfect but neither were you, and you really disappointed me, i think you could have tried a lot more, i thought you cared about me more, so yes i am angry about that. i will get over it but it takes time. im getting over it slowly and forgiving you slowly and letting go slowly but one day it will be 100%.




yeah going on linkedin is rarely a good idea because you see how successful everyone is. making a good living, doing jobs at like age 23 that you could never get hired into at age 30, making new connections every week, looking and doing professional things, moving from job to job with no gaps.

also there i can still stalk the female. she is not active at all, in fact i was her one and only connection, and since i dropped that on my initiation, she now has had 0 connections ever since i did that. so naturally whenever i go on linkedin i look to see if shes updated her profile, made any more connections, etc.  i suppose its inevitable. i mean anyone whos anyone is on linkedin. if you want to be a responsible middle working class adult and make more than 15 DAH, you have to be on linkedin or youre fooked.

but i saw some weird stuff, like people who went to undergrad at the same prestigious top 30 university in the world as did I, and rather than go to Harvard Law or Stanford PhD or UPenn MBA, they did a masters degree in something kinda useless at a second or third tier uni (no, not an online thing, that would be like 5th tier!) and of course are now not working in that field whatsoever, because jobs dont even exist for it. but rather than complain and whining and freaking out, they just Suck It Up and work their client manager job or whatever and make 17 DAH hahahaha.

yesterday i worried a bit o she dumped me because i pushed her because i was too passive aggressive to her.

then i realized how ridiculous i sounded. i was PA to her???? she was EVEN MORE PA to ME!!!!!!!!!!

but thats just because i was PA to her, so i forced her to be PA right back. every action has equal and opposite reaction.

ok well this reaction was NOT equal in magnitude, it was WAY out of proportion. and way more PA.

i was like wanna hang out wanna hang out, she was like not right now but later, then i never want to talk to you again hahahaha.

again none of this is spectacular, 1000000000s of other people have experienced same thing.

BUT it IS different, cuz we were friends for 2 years before all this, so yeah i think that entitles me to more respect, more of a chance to talk, being treated better, from being a person in her life that she knew and liked.  so show me some god damn sympathy when you Have To Let Go of me at least.

EVERY job is not going to train you properly. EVERY job is gonna throw you to the wolves. so you “JUST” have to ask questions when you can, when they dont make you feel like an idiot who doesnt belong there, and or fake your way through it and hope you get away with it. then if you get caught, say oh well i thought thats the way it was done, and i had to act quickly to service the customer. SORRY WONT HAPPEN AGAIN.

cuz youd really like to say, TRAIN PEOPLE BETTER, but you cant say that, because they never will, why would they.

this is why CONFIDENCE and BALLS OF STEEL are needed in EVERY job, and i just dont have those things wawaawaawawawawaw.

figure it out or YA FIRED.

people try their best but they Just Dont Get It Fast Enough…..and theyre fired for it.

its not enough to be smart and capable……you have to be FAST.

this is why i failed at every job ever hahahahahah.

no thats just not true, that is a Cognitive Distortion. i actually did GOOD (“Well” i know is the correct word, but i have to be a chameleon and adjust my Language to the people around me, do they speak Working Class or do they speak Middle Class hahahahahaha) plus my sympathies are more with the Underdog Working Class, than the Soft Degenerate Nihilistic Faggot Sissy Middle Class.

i dont know how i ended up here. possibly by researching enclaves and exclaves. yeah. stuff like the “northwest angle” in minnesota.

staring at google maps again. channel tunnel, weird shit by bhutan, india, nepal, tibet, pakistan, northeast poland, lithuania, kaliningrad, bialystok, crimea, bla bla bla.

was i to blame here? did i CAUSE this? i always lose sight of the fact she probably would ahve rejected me ANYWAY even if both our Conflict Resolution skills were not shitty!

she did this because she was extremely annoyed at me, and when you get extremely annoyed at someone, you just want to be done with them completely.

when was the last time i was extremely annoyed with someone? well kinda right now, with her. but i dont want to be done with her! really i cant say. some male acquaintances, people that were never really FRIENDS. i never really liekd them to begin with!

yeah i never had a similar situtaion, namely a female friend falling in luv with ME and me being like ehhhhhh i dont think so.

but i like to think i would have treated them better. every other time somebody annoyed me, it was really different. one guy i disagreed with for being a soulless autistic nihilist annoying sperg; another guy annoyed me because he was weird and narcissistic and overbearingly homoerotic and weird and bipolar and almost borderline.

i was none of these things to her. i was just gently pushing her to hang out.

i wasnt even really passive aggressive in that, other than i was not directly stating “lets hang out, because i want to talk about how im in love with you.” it was just lets hang out sometime, or wanna hang out ths weekend, or wanna go see this movie with me, or wanna go to this restaurant with me ill buy, wanna go to the park with me this weekend, etc etc.

and if on friday she said something like “see you on MONDAY” which she started doing, that was her hint that she didnt want to hang out on the weekend.  of course i got tired of that and would say in response to that “what u doing this weekend”. and she would say doing something with her family. which is a lot better than hanging out with Guys and partying. or im always hanging out with my other friends and i never want to hang out with you.

but yeah i was careful about not being too pushy so i would only ask to hang out once every two weeks. and get some sort of nonanswer like the above.

prettty clear signals right? yeah but i was in denial because she used to be my friend and we used to hang out and sometimes she even asked ME to hang out!!!!!!!! she wasnt some gurl i had met 2 months ago who i developed an infatuation with but had never hung out with even once!!!!!!

she got mad and snapped at me because i would visit her sometimes when i was on Break or on Lunch or when i was leaving, just to small talk for 2 minutes. me doing that was too much for her.

what do you do when someone’s boundaries are unreasonable? like they have 1000000000000000000 boundaries that make dealing with them a MINEFIELD? walking on eggshells, etc.

so do you say some of those boundaries are not valid? i thought all boundaries were valid. no at that point they need to learn they are being unreasonable, so they need to Go To Therapy hahahahahaha. she needs a shrink.

these women dont need a MAN, they dont need a BABY, they need a SHRINK to help them deal with the fact that they didnt have a good family hahahahaha.

course i had a good family and i still turned out a screwup hahahaha. cant get a job, cant get a woman, the only accomplishment ive done in my life is get a worthless stupid Bachelors Degree. Arts of COURSE hahahaha.

hehehe being anxious and weird is employability kryptonite. you HAVE to be a confident extravert normalfag with confidence and gurlfrans and interests. blogging about being a loser and heartbreak and being an r9k neet virgin does not count!

some people say that a loving wife gives them moral and emotional support and generally makes life seem a lot easier because who cares if you are trying to do confusing shit for angry customers all day when you have the luv of your life waiting at home to cuddle you and make you strong again. and not dump you for being weak and vulnerable, but strengthen and help you turn your weakness into strength by cuddling with them for an hour and them telling you you can do it, i luv, ill always be here for you to make things better after a shitty day. and we can cuddle and smoke MJ sometimes and watch tv and movies and go for walks and hold hands and make out and then have luving tender monogamous oxytocinsecs hahahahaha.

i will never know the inner workings of her mind. i do know that she was saying “NO” to me. was she saying, yes, no, or maybe?

she was certainly not saying yes.

i try to delude myself that she was saying “maybe, just not right now, give me more time and space.” if thats what she were REALLY saying, she would have SAID it, she would NOT have

  1. cut me off completely
  2. never responded to anything
  3. unfriend AND block me

she would have said “ill respond to you some day” when i said “please respond please respond please respond”. not nothing.

similar to the “anything thats not a yes is a no” idea.

what would a trusted friend say to me?

“yep its rough but the best thing here is just to move on. shes probably not gonna change her mind, and you contacting her every 6 months is not good for you. it sucks to get your heart broke, but shes not gonna change her mind.”

i had some kraft ranch dressing. it was ok but idk lol. it seemed weird lol so i dumped it. no it was technically past its best by date and like 80% gone so i got some “hidden valley” ranch. see if thats any better.

yeah it was. i think the kraft was too thick. i want it a little Runnier hahahaha.

google good job for depressed person hahahahahahahaha

nothing. because unconfident, anxious, weird, angry, introverted, shy, pessimistic, confused people dont deserve a job.

but everybodys gotta have a job to get ANY respect.

but if you are a single mom waitress, youre not gonna get any respect anyway, because no one appreciates how hard your job is, plus you are a whore in your personal life. take a different dick every night and let badbois molest your children. but damn do they do a good job taking care of 20 tables, multitasking. i could never do that.

but yeah my big worry now is, I WILL NEVER FIND A BETTER WOMAN. THIS IS THE BEST I WILL EVER DO. ITS ALL DOWNHILL FROM HERE. i will have to settle for someone not as good as here, therefore i will always be comparing women to her, and basically always fooking thinking of HER for the rest of my life. i go and bang some 35 year old single mom skank years from now and think o god i wish i was with HERRRRRRRR instead!

yeah i know i thought that BEFORE and i ALWAYS found a better woman, but this time is different, because i’m OLD AS SHIT now! I’ve since turned the corner! i wont be able to get 25 year old gurls to hang out with me any more AT ALL!!!!!!! so its only 35 year old + single momz with fupas and tattoos and shitty hair and shitty skin from here on out! post wall women! whcih is all i am worth as a 35 year old loser who only makes 10 DAH for 30 hours a week!

who only makes 300 dollars a week, 1200 a month, 14400 a year! who makes LESS THAN 15K A YEAR!!!!! at age 35, 40, 45, 50!!! cuz he never had any ambition or drive! the most he ever achieved was a BA degree hahahaha. he had POTENTIAL at age 20, thats why he pulled some cute gurls briefly around age 20. but by age 30 and no potential realized, no women for you hahahahaha.

yeah its hard to respect Single Mothers because You Get To PICK your man. you get to PICK the father of your children. and you PICK a maniac or deadbeat and have CHILDREN with him. how can you make that big of a mistake so casually? and you look around you and all the women in their 20s, if they are not Professional Middle Class women getting Careers and Abortions and Cocks, they are Working Class women with tattoos and Bastard Babies! believe me i would LOVE To find a Happy Medium!

and i thought i did. a working class gurl who exercised Discretion and Restraint and had no tattoos and who was Different hahahaha.

just because you find a Gurl Whos Different, doesnt mean that things will work out differently!

i have to remind myself of “Woman 5”, who I dropped from the “Woman” lineup because i decided i wasnt really in luv with her because i didnt get my Heart Broke by her, or she was markedly in the Second String of Memorable INfatuations. anyway i think things could have turned out ok with me and her if we ever lived in the same town and could hang out regularly.

then we could hang out one on one and she could eeventually reject me in the worst way hahahaha.

well with her, i knew RIGHT AWAY that i kinda was Interested in her, plus she didnt have a 4 year BF when i met her. so yeah that situation was entirely different.

some say “depressed” aka DESPAIRING people tend to Ruminate more , make a mountain out of a molehill, blame themselves for tiny things that normies would have forgotten about long ago. therefore a hard Breakup is even harder for A Despairer.

stefan molyneux is a hyper energy filled extravert normalfag who has worked 10000000 jobs in his life including a waiter. i am kinda jealous of this. maybe i should just get a job as a waiter to prove ot myself i could do it. hahahaha. well what i did was KINDA LIKE being a waiter. and a cook all at once. people call you, have weird shit that you have to fix, you have no idea what they’re talking about, so you try to think on your feet, stay calm, and gather information very quickly, and carry out complex fookin procedures according to shitty articles and tier 2 bitches who treat you like shit. stupid shit, because you arent learning super confusing shit fast enough and have to suck their dick. then i say, im not stupid bitch, i got a bachelors degree from a top 30 university of the world hahahahahah. was it a useful degree? no? noone cares then, ya slow learning anxious moron. welcome to the real world bitch.

google how to bullshit

written by a millennial listicle clickbait WOMAN but still some good points, like say “ive got this under control” and never ask for help and use fake statistics and sources. but the trouble is coming up with those on the spot.

tfw you are no longer a twenty something job seeker because you never got a decent job during your twenties hahahahahah and just failed and underachieved from age 20 to 29…..and beyond!

did another 4.2 miler. i would like to do at least 10 miles a day hahahaha. that might result in SOME weight loss, and also i think i have a lot of negative emotions that need to get out. i need to do TONNES of writing, and appropriate good writing at that, and tonnes of Walking/jogging. its EASIER to walk/jog cuz theres no WRONG way to do it! its ALL good! so better to walk than to write.

when i write its just negative thoughts all the time. and that is all DESPAIR IS.

if you are writing despairing negative thoughts, as i often do, STOP and go out an WALK for at LEAST 4 miles. ideally 5. i was thinking i could go for at least another hour today but it was getting dark. and then i thought well i will sign up for planet fatness for 10 dollars a month during the winter so i can walk 10 miles a day during the WINTER…..which is of course when we all gain weight and get super despairing.

so i actually felt GOOD about that idea. so i Sat With My Feelings. I Felt My Feelings hahahahahaha.

but one way to look at it is….I TRIED. She didnt TRY at all.

i cant blame her for not having feelings for me. but i can blame her for the way she ended the rel. the worst possible way. but i will forgive her eventually. but i still want her back. all women are bitches and whores. disgusting. maybe if i start abusing them they will stop dumping me and think ima  real man hahaha.

i heard an interesting thing, a real abuser doesnt stop and worry if he’s an abuser. he just goes ahead and abuses. cuz sometimes i worry if i am actually an abuser. if i will one day abuse a women, or if my passive aggressive bullshit and jealousy could be considered abuse.

well jealousy might lead to abuse sometimes but it doesnt CAUSE it if that makes sense. i think jealousy is awesome. you should never be ashamed of being jealous. bitches get jealous all the time when its guys they are really into. cant say i have ever had women get jealous over ME. that would be nice hahahaha.



shit. the best rel i ever had with a woman has ended in the worst possible way, and she did not have to do that. so yeah i fee sorta betrayed in that i never expected her to do something so harsh to me. try a little tenderness hahahaha. kinda adds to my “women are twofaced” “stereotype” hahahahaha.

the women i “pseudodated” who i much less significant “rels” with, dumped me in MUCH better ways.

and she is a better person that to do something like this. this is just ridiculous. worst dumping EVER for me. i cannot take much more of this! i realllllllllllllly did not need this at this time! not ever but especially not now! at this age, after so much failure, with the woman i was closest with ever.

its “fine” she didnt return muh feelings, she just didnt have to reject me in THAT WAY! pleaseeeeeee TRY to let me down easier than THAT! i did not do anything to deserve THAT! does she WANT to make me hate her???!?!?! i am this close to being a MIsogynist Woman Hater anyway! i WANT to hate women LESS, not MORE!!!!!!!

maybe she does want me to hate women. maybe she just wants me to hate HER so i stay away from her forever. yeah well thats stupid. a lot of guys would harass or stalk you. but not me! i say yep you can ruin my life and break my heart and i will just send you 1 email per 10 days, 3 emails, and thats it.  what a good guy. other guys would get drunk and beat and raep her, slash tires, show up unannounced, etc. but not me! nope i just sit here broken hearted, came to shit but only farted hahahahaha.

damn. she was muh friend because i thought she was a NAWALT woman. now she has done such terrible shit to me that i have to force myself to say NAWALT NAWALT NAWALT NAWALT even tho i thought she was the best nawalt ever! and i know shes not really a huge btich but she is capable of being a huge bitch and i am Just So Hurt that she was a huge bitch to ME who used to be one of her good friends.  and imho getting feelings isnt a hostile thing that you should punish like this. you absolutely will not be able to be “just friends” anymore, but its not a damn CRIME thats punishable by treating the person who got feelings HORRIBLY. Its just not a horrible crime!!!!

anyway. it just amazes and shocks me that peopel can be so comfortable with their bodies that the NORM is for people to have casual sex.  including her hahahaha. i just want to find a woman who doesnt like casual sex hahahaha. and who wont reject me.

well they can reject me but reject me NICELY hahahaha.

she was kind of inexperienced at dumping men, i think mainly she got dumped, or had mutual agreements to end a rel. so she just hasnt had enough Dumping Experience to know how to Do It Well!

what would the voice of reason say. that yep this sucks, did not see this coming, you didnt deserve this, she shoulda handled it better, yeah so thought it was cool she was not a huge whore, but she still treated you like shit and you deserve better, chin up, somebody better will come along.

hahahaha or how about she was a 10 and most other women are a 0 and maybe one day i can hope to get a 5 hahahahahaha.

damn. did another 4.2 miler.

i just cant get over this, this is HORRIBLE. i want her so bad, after 2.5 months. yeah its gotten better, the time and distance has been ok, but shit. the pain is still right there.

it doesnt help that theres the crushing loserdom and derpression (“DESPAIR”) as well.

just feel like i can do NOTHING and i will fail at every job and every interview and every woman, and i am sick of being a huge failure too. literally the only thing i can do successfully is write here, and walk 8 miles a day hahaha.

but other than that? NOTHING. if she had “just” liked me back muh whole life would be diff wawawaawaaw. we could get married and have kidz and cuddle erry day hahaha. but noooooooo.

maybe i am just having a bad day. some days think yeah i will get over it but it will just take time. today i just feel dead as fook.

she didnt technically KILL me, she was a great distraction from the loserness and patheticness of my life, and now shes gone, thats all i got. she was my main ray of sunshine. well she was up until like 7 months ago hahaha. it is so hard just to survive. i have no idea how i am gonna rebuild muh life. get a new job, ever make another female friend, etc.

stuff like this makes me want to contact her! i mean whats the worst that could happen? her not respond? shit i know theres a 99% chance she wont respond! its that 1% chance im hoping for.

how would it have been different if she had dumped me in a good way?

shit i think it would be HALF as bad at least. i would know she didnt hate me;

i would blame myself less;

i could hate her more easily and conveniently and make her the villain

but yeah.

well why is it important that she doesnt HATE me? well because she damn seemed like she hated me, and i didnt do anything worth hating me forever over!

she was too much, the job was too much, her at the job was too much. if they had been seperated i would have handled each thing a lot better.

i mean i guess i still can hate her.

and i only blame myself a minority of the time.

but yeah i miss having a female friend.

but she stopped being my friend long ago!

but i didnt know that! she would still respond to texts and she made it SOUND like she wanted to remain my friend, she was just going through tuff times.

i knew that we could not stay just friends, but from what she was saying, i didnt think she would be so offended by me meeting her at the event, or me trying to damn talk to her.

see what happens when you AVOID shit and you dont COMMUNICATE? you get VERY hard feelings, broken heart, new bout of despair, etc.

emotional abandonment, eh?? nice term hahaha

”  Realize that if it’s a sudden abandonment, there likely is some precipitating event or incident between the two of you that needs to be resolved. On the other hand, if the deterioration has been more gradual, there are probably a lot of little things that have gone unresolved and are taking their toll on the relationship. ”

well it was gradual, but then it was also very suddent at the end. the precipitating event was i met her at the event. oh im such a bad guy. i met her at a think where we both knew we were gonna be there and which in the past we would ahve gone to together no question. but she was evasive when i asked about going with her. maybe im the bad guy because i didnt read that signal to mean i dont want to see you at all.

well the other signal was she had turned her phone off when she got there so she did nto respond to muh texts or phone call when i got there.

so did i walk around the place looking for her?

kind of, yes.

therefore, i was STALKING her, so i AM the bad guy.

and thats why she was so weird and distant the whole time.

i shouldnt have even GONE but my interest in the event was independent of her. its the type of thing that would just be good for me to go to if i had any damn energy to do activities related to muh interests. but it has to involve a damn woman before i take action on anything.

  • Fear of talking through issues: Emotional detachment does not just happen out of the blue; there is always something behind it. If one or both of the spouses has an inability or fear of talking through the issues in their relationship, then this kind of disconnect will be the likely result. Usually both know there is something wrong, but they are hesitant to bring it up because they fear their spouse’s reaction. Or perhaps they feel like they’ve been through this before and it hasn’t helped, so why bother? In these cases, there needs to be a clear second look at what it means to resolve conflict in a marriage – how to have a “good fight,” as it were, that really bring things to resolution. Without these skills, and a real courage to step up and deal with problems, the emotional distance will just continue to grow. “

If you are a wife reading this and hoping to find a way to get him to stop folding his arms and huffing every time you attempt to communicate a problem, these five tips for effective communication by Deborah Spring Laurel is a good starting point.

If you are a husband who is tired of a “nagging” wife show her this article and both of you work on building new communication skills in the marriage.

  • Disengage: When we disengage, we set aside differences temporarily, while we remain willing to address them at a later time. It involves taking time to reflect, reduce the tension, and let our emotions settle.
  • Empathize: To empathize is to put ourselves figuratively in the other person’s place. That very act will help squelch defensiveness because we acknowledge what the other person is feeling.
  • Inquire: When we inquire, we uncover the concerns of the other person. Asking questions allows us to focus on our task rather than our disagreement. After we inquire, we need to listen carefully, giving the other person our complete attention.
  • Disclose: When we disclose, we reveal our feelings, needs and goals to the other person. We can do this with “I statements” that describe our emotions, the precipitating event, and its tangible impact.
  • Depersonalize: When we depersonalize, we evaluate behavior rather than the person, and we look at our work as something we do rather than what we are. This allows us to free ourselves and others from the need to respond defensively.

also i just feel real tired.

walkaway wives


yep. slept ok with no weird dreams, maybe feel a little better, but not much. hehehe i feel like alanis morisette in “yououghta kn0w” hahaha.

also i hate the thought of the woman casually sucking guys off. women blowing dudes seems so degenerate and pornified and i dont like the thought of normal women doing that, let alone HER! also it is seen as something even more casual than casual sex. ya meet a guy, boom 2 minutes later, sucking his dick, swallowing his jizz. no big deal.

so yeah i dont like to think of her doing that!

but shes out there maybe sucking dick and not even thinking of me, yet i am still obsessed with her!

how can women get over guys so fast and so easy?

i think its more of a case of how can the DUMPER get over the dumpee so fast and easy?

EASY, they wanted out, they did the dumping, they made up their mind, they were already emotionally checked out months in advance, they were already getting over it when they did the dumping.

damn. i just never thought she would want to dump me! let alone like that! if she were already over it, why was SHE so emotional?

oh well shes sucking dicks now and has deleted me from her life hahahaha.

i wonder what she did with the nice present i gave her for crimmus last year. did she get rid of it? hide it away? or probably just forget she even had it hahahaha. or what about the nice mix cd i gave her hahahaha. i am a sucker for that sort of thing. i  hoped that would Build Intimacy between us. nope no chance!

did she angrily throw these things away? or just be like meh. and forget they were even there.

did she search for all the emails that i had sent her and which she i think had responded to a few, back in the good old days, and delete all them? hahahah i sure did.

did she block or set emails from my address to go to spam, so she never read email3 and 4?

i figure theres a change she read email2, where i confessed i had feelings for her and that i was having a tuff time and had resigned muh job hahahaha. and that i was sorry sorry sorry. i did not say please respond though. but i said i would always be open to talking to her, i hope we can talk again in the future.

heh. i wished her friends and family would have advised her to dump me more gently. maybe they did. maybe she didnt even mention it to them! or maybe she played me up as a bad guy who suddenly went all cray cray and started harrassing and stalking her, so i dont deserve to be dumped gently, but kicked to the curb.

well i certainly never stalked her, but i was pushy. but did the pushy cross into harrassment? also it was always “nice” pushy rather than mean pushy, like hang out with me bitch. it was more like pleaseeeee hang out with meeeee i want to work on our friendshipppppp i miss uuuuuuu etc hahahahah pathetic.

yeah. its rough man. how you could feel so strongly for someone and they dont care about you. but they USED to care about you. as a friend only though. but as soon as you switch on the feelings, they switch them off, and dont even care about you as a person anymore. and you care for them more and more, and they care for you less and less, and then its all over.

wawawawawaw i thought she cared for me as-a-human-being more! so our friendship died when i got feelings. ok. thats understandable. but you dont throw the dead body in a shallow grave, you mourn and cry and give it a respectful burial and remember it as the nice thing it was.

and then quickly get over it and become a whore sucking dicks of guys you just met hahahahaha. no i dont know THAT, but it wouldnt matter anyway would it?

but yeah. if i just met her it would be different. if i had never been her actual friend it would have been different. but friends for 2 years. you just dont fooking throw that away like it NEVER EXISTED. yep this is probably worse than a death, because we’re both still alive. and i have to live with the fact that she just walked away.

walk away wives. oh yeah. thats when its a ticking time bomb and the husbands ignore or balk at their wives valid complaints, know as “NAGGING” hahahahah, and then she stops nagging, husband thinks ok shes settled down good, then years later, the wife walks away because the resentment is simmering and the husband thinks nothngs wrong.

THEN the husband is heartbroken and makes a legit effort, reading books, and going to shrinks, and CHANGING, but its too late, the wife has made up her stupid mind, and never comes back, saying “too little too late.”

i wonder if thats what i did because i didnt really stop pushing her.

well i TRIED to stop pushing her. and i TRIED to stop visiting her at work. but i just couldnt stop altogether because the issues were still there. me backing off didnt really fix anything.

but it was what she wanted, it made her ahppy, it was her BOUNDARY!!!! so i should have respected it for that very reason right?

well i tried to but i just couldnt keep doing it cuz it was hurting my boundary to respect her boundary!

i wanted to see her MORE, she wanted to see me LESS. so yeah thats always a recipe for disaster.

all of this is a centuries old tale, millions of people have had their hearts broken this way. i just never had it happen to me so bad.

i was just str8 confused. it was a confusing boundary. it didnt occur to me that i could stay away from her but still communicate with her.

OBVIOUSLY i should have started calling or emailing her right then. lets say feb 2015.

so thats my other big regret hahahaha. that i was just twiddling my thumbs waiting for her to be ready to see me, but……..inside i was going FOOKING CRAZY with all these feeeeeelings and things i wanted to say to her. so i should just called her and told her, wrote emails and sent them. rather than wait till july to start sending emails. that was 5 more months of Crazy Making hahahaha and by then i was totally fooked, and she was totally DONE.

yeah i have certainly been dumped before but they did it nicer, plus those relationships were less important. this was a pretty important, substantial relationship that was ended in the most cold and callous way. it just drives me fookin crazy. i feel she TURNED on me. it does feel like kind of a betrayal. once you were my friend and now youre nobody. you dont have to luv me but dear god admit that we had something good once.

i dont know why this is so important to me.

because i dont think human beings and improtant long term rels should be thrown away like garbage. if that makes me weird, then im weird. .



shit. so you dont dump somebody like this unless they are a real scumbag that you want to send a message that you hate them for the wrong they have done you. you dont dump a sensitive niceguy beta male virgin r9k nevergf like me like that, becuase i will and have Personalize and Internalize or whatever, and essentially blame myself, and say, what did I do to cause this, it must have been awful and evil,  I am such a bad and shitty person to push her to do this!

because she is not the type of person to do something like this without good reason!

therefore i did something HORRIBLE and didnt even KNOW it!

i am the worst person ever when it comes to relships! because i am so inexperienced i just dont know what im doing so i act like a fookin alien autist from another planet!

but truth be told, i am more normie than that, in a good way. i have a sense of humor and can make jokes and the people who Like me actually Like me. the few people i do have an actual good connection with. they would NEVER say “hes so damn weird, he’s not able to have a rel with a woman.” !!!!!!

but yeah this kind of Atomic Bomb, Nuclear, Explosive, Horrible Breakup would hurt ANYONE, even a tuff scumbag.  its like I cheated on her or broke her heart. i am sure she dumped the guy who cheated on her and broke her heart in a similar way….but he deserved it! I did not deserve this! but maybe she was just in that mindset and this is how she dumps guys during this phase of her life.

but many times the woman doesnt HATE the guy shes dumping and genuinely WANTS to make the dumping as low pain as possible, because she knows its gonna be painful, but she has the power to mitigate that. heh. mah woman showed me no such consideration. she treated me like a piece of shit, like she THOUGHT i was a piece of shit, and i dont think i am really a piece of shit! yeah i know you have been with a piece of shit recently, but thats not me! i aint one!

she knew i was a sensitive emotional guy and something like this would DEVASTATE me! and it did!

well i never SHARED as much with her as she did with me. thats why i felt like i knew her, but she didnt know me. cuz i didnt share enough with her.

i dunno i shared a little with her. i was preparing to share a lot more with her! but she refused to hang out with me EVER!

its one thing to slowly taper off the hangouts. but we went from hanging out semi regularly, to never hanging out at ALL, for months and months and months, even though i was semi regularly asking to hang out hahahaha.

anyway she knew that i had not Dated a woman in a LONG time. i told her the story of woman2012 which was a kind of sharing. so basically she knew i had not “been with” a woman since 2012, and i told her i hadnt really been with that woman! so she essentially knew that i took Liking Someone very seriously and had been Single for a Long Time. and that i was a Sensitive Beta hahahaha.

so she had to be aware that her dumping me in such a way would hurt me! it woudl hurt anybody, but ESPECIALLY me! and she just didnt care, just did it anyway? just wanted rid of me THAT much, that my feelings didnt matter AT ALL to her?

well i dont think shes that kind of person though. she just got overwhelmed. there was stuff going on in her life which is a kind of valid excuse. but not an entirely valid excuse for just ignoring and avoiding our problems forever!

also just because she was distancing from me over time, moving out incrementally, doesn’t give her the right to say oh well im already done, i owe him nothing. we used to have a good rel but im already out of it, so, its over, the end, see ya.

she could obviously see that I didnt think it was done! I wasnt moving my stuff out! That I didnt want it to end! not a lot was super clear but that fact was.

does she even have a CONSCIENCE? i thought she did!!!! i wouldnt become friends with a person with no conscience!

which makes me think this will eventually bother her, and she will act out on the guilt by throwing her life away, when she could just come to me and i would be happy to reconcile, but shes too scared to do that, so i need to invite her, becuase she deleted the 3 emails that said please respond please respond my door is always open i hope we can talk about this months or even years later hahahahaha.

but she doesnt know that because she deleted those emails.

but i really dont want to send another email, the way i wanted to send the other emails. i think i am all emailed out.

it was discouraging that she could respect and like me as a friend, but the moment things got to be about Hetero-ness, she thought i was absolutely disgusting and revolting and kill it with fire. not a good confidence builder! recognize im still the same person you once respected and cared about, so please reject me in a way that isnt the worst, meanest way possible. what the fook did i do to you. i pushed your boundaries a little ok fine. still doesnt add up. still out of proportion.

so obviously Feelings Ruin Everything, Feelings Are INherently Bad, this is why people hate feelings and have just casual sex.

also i wonder if people have casual sex so early, without even knowing each other, because its a Big Test. because the thought of Sex can Ruin a Rel, so if you have Sex early and the rel is not ruined, thats a good sign it can go forward!

well my response to that is, how can you be comfortable with someones body when you dont know them? of COURSE the sex is going to be horrible! and then you get dumped because the way you have sex is AWKWARD and you Have Sex Like A Virgin hahahahahahahaha.

then you have the right to indignantly say yeah because i think casual sex is HORSESHIT and only have GOOD sex when I KNOW muh partner! my brain is not degenerately wired to casual sex, i just did it with you cuz im in a dry spell and something is better than nothing!

and then they dump you because they can find PLENTY of men who ARE comfortable with casual sex and can perform well the first time, every time.

shit. how can people be so damn comfortable with naked bodies so FAST?

though in my defense i think i did pretty good when i had my chance. i can fake my way through it pretty good. the girl didnt think i was a VIRGIN. plus i was drinking alcohol to get a little Courage. dont want to do that any more, so now i would just pop valium, or really any drugs that were available. anything that might take away the anxiety. uppers, downers, but prob not MJ hahahahaha.

also i want to say i was pretty good at making out even though i had NO PRACTICE. i mean this stuff isnt ROCKET SCIENCE.  its not technical support hahahahaha. just just try not to SLOBBER all over them and i guess sort of MIRROR what they’re doing? although be a little more aggressive and masculine because you’re the MAN!

the girls i pseudodated didnt think i was PAINFULLY AWKWARD at physical stuff! i mean i was probably About Average! i was no Alpha Male Roosh hahahaha but i was no Austist Virgin r9k neet robot either!!!!! i faked my way pretty good!

so i could prob still fake my way through casual sex pretty good.

oh thats reassuring!!!!

my thought yesterday while driving was, oooh heres a good blog post:


you BETTER get comfortable with casual sex because its the ONLY way you can EVER get to your goal of a longterm rel, because ALL dating STARTS OFF as casual.

Casual is assumed, short term is assumed, nonmonog is assumed.

its the first test, and if you pass it, you might eventually get to long term monog.

i said god damn i hope this is not the case.

what would be MUCH BETTER is if two people could just get to know each other for a while. whatever happened to Sexless Dating for a Few Months to see if you like each other? or perhaps being Friends First and then developing feelings?

I really like this Friends To Feelings model, i think it would work best for a guy like me……………but it can also go horribly, horribly wrong. costs and benefits hahahaha.

i dunno i would rather have a long term rel with a person than casual short term sex, and i got a nice medium term friendship out of this……but god damn it ended SO wrong. you dont end a 2.5 year friendship like that. EVER.

unless youre really MAD at your friend? felt they betrayed you? so she felt i betrayed her by ruining the friendship with my stupid feelings? maybe. i mean i dont know what the fook she was thinking,

IM NOT A MIND READER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and i couldnt get her to talk about what was on her mind.

yeah. hahahhaha next time i am writing a letter WAY earlier and specifically requesting that they write a letter/email back. and we exchange a series of long emails. if they dont want to meet with ol piece of shit me in person to have an important talk. god fookin damn.



thats what signals do. even if the signals are Kinda Clear, you STILL cant read the persons mind. period.

well i didnt have to TELL her i would be hurt for her to know that dumping me inthe Atomic Bomb Hiroshima way was gonna hurt me!

i did say a lot of this stuff in a very nice way in the emails that were never read.

i thought, why am i WASTING so much Luv and Energy and Time on someone where that investment is so clearly wasted? i’m not getting anything out of it!

heh. just email me and say youre sorry already!

and want to meet up and get together and live happily ever after and have secs in the context of a loving monog longterm rel. and never do this to me again.

i mean i TRUSTED her enough not to HURT me like this!!!!!!!

but yeah you gotta have SECS with the women.


if you want to engage them emotionally……….throw it in them now! get them drunk and Tipsy and that will make it more emotional for them. you dont need to drink anything yourself. you can take valium or other drugs to make yourself less nervous.

heh. you can never hope to make a bitch get feelings for you if you have fooked her HARD yet.

well, not ALL women. just 99% of women hahahaha.

maybe i am wrong about Oxytocin Burnout. maybe a woman can take 100 cox and her oxytocin is as STRONG AS EVER.

but yeah i wish women understood Romantic Gestures other than Sex, like for example cuddling or making out or holding hands.

i am well aware 99% of women dont DESERVE this type of sissy shit and you should just bang the shit out of them.

SECS is the only expression of emotion these DEGENERATE BARBARIAN APES understand.

i dunno. i thought she was different. wawawaawawawawaawawawa. i cant beleive i wasted 2 years on her!

well thats the thing, those years werent wasted. i wasnt left wanting more. it was only 10 months or lets say 5 to 7 months that were really “wasted.” and i was trying in my own horrible way to address the problems.

but when she throws the whole thing away like that, its easy to think those first two years are wasted. but they really werent. not for me. maybe for her. maybe she would have preferred two years of revolving cocks, rather than a meaningful friendship. why would a woman prefer a meaningful friendship to revolving short term cocks anyway. god damn. such pigs.

That WON’T do, pig! That WON’T do!


heh. maybe she WANTS To be treated this way. deep down she likes to be abandoned hahahaha. and rather than break the cycle of abandonment, she continues it.

can i live without alpha cock…….until after the wedding? hahahaha credit funny picture on doing a review of the movie trainwreck with that fat degenerate whore

when i have muh period i bleed for a week and thats WAY too long to abstain from secs! – sex addict degenerate “sex educator” who brags about 100 guys hahaha.

she also makes jokes about abortions (only men can do this hahahaha) and deciding it would be stupid to NOT have secs with teh guy who told her he had herpes, because why deny herself pleasure from thsi guy she had such a tingly short term connection with, and she prob had it already anyway.

yet she is young and decent looking and i would still prob bang her hahahaha in a veyr patriarchal oppressive cis white male shitlord way. mayeb choke her while blasting jizz on her face, of course she would luv it.

yeah. i say that it felt like we KNEW each other but there were also definitely times where i felt she did not understand me at ALL. i guess deeper in depth talking may have helped, but she did not want to do taht.

yeah there were warning signs. namely her being distant and cold and horrible the last 5 to 7 months! was the major warning sign. fook me im an idiot hahahaha.

but yeah when you are under the spell of feelings, you ignore the obvious. and bitches will HATE you for it! and to punish you, these sadists will break your heart in the worst possible way! even though they know it will destroy you! they WANT to destroy you! whatever happened to the golden rule? hahahaha ok i am getting carried away maybe.

so ok ok honor is not a female concept, women dont understand honor or respect……..but shouldnt they understand warmth and compassion and being nice? like dont be horrible to peopel?