STUFF FROM MARCH 2015

[WARNING OCT 22 2016:

well, more of a clarification hahaha.

  1. i never got this angry again. i was FURIOUS and saying horrible things and wishing horrible things on That Woman, but I wasnt being really serious, i was just really angry at the shitty situation. so dont take those seriously at all. also, when shit hit the fan a few months after this, i was never that angry even at that time. well, maybe at MYSELF for being such a shameful pathetic coward.  was never this angry at HER again. just sad and devastated and disappointed.
  2. just continues to point out the obvious lesson: i should have just communicated with her then. like ME writing her an email THEN, in march/feb 2015. another alternative would be Just Let It Go, because she was obviously not wanting to hang out with me. keep in mind this wasnt some Rando, I already knew her for 2+ years BEFORE all this, where we had a History of hanging out.
  3. interesting that i was still Handling and Surviving my job tho! I was also using a fair amount of MJ. kinda envious of that. wouldnt mind some of that right now.
  4.  i really didnt hate her as much as it sounds like in this stuff. never forget this does not reflect my state now, but as of march 2015, when things were a lot different hhehehehe.  as of oct 2016 I am pretty much Over It, but still a little butthurt. not really angry or negative at her. i mean i would still Take Her Back hahahahahaha. but i am just trying to live muh life without her. I lost an important person and it takes a VERY long time to FULLY get over.

]

apri 19

found some good txt files I wrote when things were going bad with the woman in march, april, may, maybe even feb 2015. that I didnt want to post here. well I think I can finally post them here. oh goody. like there was one i wrote on the very day she Snapped at me saying Please Leave hahahaha.

they were on my hard drive but not sure i copied them all to my google drive. copied them all to google drive. so look in the personal writing folder / april may june 2015 / folder which have been using ever sincee hahahaha.

hmm the LORD is smiling upon me and I am THANKFUL, I officially make a big deal out of praising the LORD in public, and then cursing him in private, hahaha. no not really. but now have an “interview” with staffing agency on thursday. spoke to the recruiter as soon as I got out of bed and did ok considering hahahahaha. with the phone bullshitting. She sounded not as smart as me, and she is a Personnel Manager and prob makes way more than 15 DAH!

so do that in 2 days. today take the post office test, that should be “fun.” today or tomorrow maybe go to local thrift store and look for suit coats. something blue I think.

well i guess its good to be making baby steps of progress here.

ok i am gonna recycle that old stuff. copy and paste. might lead to a few super long posts hahaha.

MARCH 2015 notepad . txt

end of feb first part of march 2015 coming through::::: start::::: [yuge copy paste with some deletions] ::::::::

boo ya ka sha. officially boycotting wordpress, not that this is much better.
feb 28 2015, sat, 702pm. leave for partay at 8. that should be fun but i just enjoyed the last relaxer so that is getting the nerves up a bit but . ok uploading. should put on new pair of socks. fam coming home possibly tomrw.
ok gotta chill out fast. now nervous about everything haha. and now the down arrow on kyboard is failing. just listening to some hlidskjalf really quietly hahaha. guitar is broken and needs to be thrown away. damn. nervous about buying beer even though i have no plans to drink it!!

[was going to small fun chill party hosted by my male work friend who was/is a real good guy, I truly liked him hahaha. I always tried to get That Woman to go with me, but she never accepted. Later I worried that she would blow me off only to show up there on her own accord, or to go with this other guy from work who I was jealous of, and I was worried that would be understandably humiliating to me: invite her, she rejects me, I go, and then she goes there with another guy. this never happened hahahaha. I really dont think she ever hung out with that guy much. good hahaha. ]
and then it mysteriously starts playing filosofem, during The Song, so i back it up to a good point. after the screechy guitar part ends, and dem 3 notes which repeat forever. oh yeah.

so i figured, take a valium pretty soon and see if that helps. or maybe right after i buy the beer. pretty nervous about that too!!!
not gonna bring a relaxer, but i dont think im responsible for needing to do that anyway!

[I of course do not drink but I brought them some alcohol to share with the drinking guests.]

day after. sunday. march 1. 2015. 118pm. neckbearding. got home at like 320 am last night from “party”, turned out pretty well, was even 1 cute gurl there (but i think she was Dating one of the guys there.) turned out well. actually very well. i got socialize with some people from muh job. i brought them some beer for community use. so it was very nice and would like to do it again and i was happy to be invited. everyone was active and playing games and people were still going strong at 230 am when the first person left, and i left with them, because i was f00king TIRED and EXHAUSTED and couldn’t believe nobody left earlier. but I snuck out somewhat awkwardly, but i needed to. came home, did small relaxer, and went right to bed.

would have been nice to go with female friend, but it was jsut fine wihtout her. plus i am OBSESSED with her in an unhealthy way, always thinking about her. not good. also she has become a Net Loss on my life, adding more Negative rather than Positive. So I should “let her go” hahahahahahhaha. deleted phone number from phone. maybe i should block her on facebook.

well i learned that blocking would unfriend, which would make me look butthurt. so i just turned off chat and Unfollowed her.

[ok this is exactly the type of Valuable INformation I am hoping to highlight by posting these hahaha. to show i was thinking SOME reasonable thoughts about the Rel.]

maybe i will do SOME cleaning, for like 30 minutes, then one last relaxer, then finish ….
back at 4 pm. was somewhat productive. had the last relaxer, then laboriously cleaned the floors, countertops.
now want to do a little neckbearding, will do more tidying up later
ok
kinda did that. took the final final relaxer.  then go right to bed, big day tomorrow!
and great news the poker is back with the new site.
enjoying super refreshing sidral mundet apple soda.
march 3 2015, tues nite, 721 pm,
female friend is being godawful. i am ready to just let her go. cut her loose. dead weight. is adding no value. has sucked more value than added value, total. a net loss. [yuppppppppppppppppppppp]
later, 1228 am, dark, ok turned on light.
RUNDGANG IS SONG OF MONTH FEB / MARCH 2015!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and then that can go on yer mix tape of the year.

[from burzum filosofem. yeah its great stuff. classic album.]

[everything in square brackets is current commentary from april 2016. there is also some stuff from these I am redacting haha.]
have said wrote thought and said everything there is to be said about ff, no point in even talking about her here!!!!!!!!!!! have heard it ALL before. right now i am backing off of her 90000000 miles. trying to at least, doing ok the past couple days but sent her 1 stupid text yesterday, of course she did not respond, so now i am backing way off.
march 4 day off, AND tomorrow off as well. i took some “mental health” days because every day of my job is liek war, draining and stressful all day, and you’d rather lose the money than go into work becuase its so HARD and rough!

did game and relaxer yesterday. had a bad cough and took some dayquil to go to sleep. hope i do not have bronchitis some smoking too many relaxers.
going to the bathroom like aboss. i think i may try to do a relaxer tonight, and then “go for a powerwalk” and try to find a place in the nearby park to enjoy it. stands to reason. i have a couple ideas.
wow slowest computer ever. flash crashing constatntly.just trying to lisdten to music on youtube and play settlers and hehehe. it is too much for the 2 gb of ram to handle i think. [at this time I took the plunge and bought the new laptop I am using 1 year later hahahaha now.]
2 days off wow. the job is so draining all you want to do when getting home, if you can survive, is smoke w33d and sleep and do cuddlebangs with young qt, and getting a young qt is the hardest thing in the world, harder than getting w33d and even harder than surviing the stressful day!!!!
and ff is a dirty n199er loving whore who can f0ck off and die, she is dead to me. lol. [I was not censoring these, haha] but no i will not text her today and not text her tomorrow. by the time i see her on friday which i may not, she will be begging to jump on muh d. if i don’t see her on friday, then i will continue to stay 900000000 miles away from her until monday, when she will want even more toi jump on my d.
i dopnt care, that c00nt is a whore who deserves to be r4ped to d34th like a bitch in india, hahaha. [HYPERBOLE!!!!]
no i will not do the r4ping because i am not a violent person, violence is wrong.
well she certainly deserves to be rejected, cheated on, pumped and dumped, for the rest of her pathetic white trash life. we can save degenerate whites, but when a bitch is a n1993r f00king race traitor, that’s the point they become a lost cause. turn your back and let them drown.
heh. there are obviously much better women out there and i should try to court THEM.
i am just in a huge creepy woman hating phase right now because i am am real mad at her. would like for the anger and creepiness to decrease.
yeah i will go to the park and try to enjoy a relaxer. it is covered in 3 feet of snow and pretty sure i do not have winter boots.
so ff facebook chatted with me which she NEVER does and said she had been very sick since friday and thats why she disappeared. well even if she was taking bl4ck c0ck, it was nice that she lied to save my feelings hahahaha.
so i felt better about her than i have in days so thats good. still not good chances, but i dont like being so ANGRY at her.

[she usually had Credible excuses always like she was SICK or she was with FAMILY. she seemed to show some remorse or sympathy here, and i was always willing to give her the benefit of the doubt.]
soon will go to park to check it out. want it to be like sunset or something. and stuff.
yeahyeah have not had two back to back days off in two months. totes getting burnt out on job and i just want two days off. i can listen to msuic, i can sleep in, i can go down to the park in 10 minutes and try to do the relaxer. that should be interesting. i am thinking to essentially get inside a pine tree surrounded by snow and that will be like a little fort, with privacy.
well did that and it wasnt nearly as fun as i hoped. oh well. it is better now. but at the time it sucked, and i wouldnt want to do it again. well maybe if it was darker. and found a better tree.
problems were, if sometone wanted to see me, they could see a person standing trying to hide by a pine tree and smoking something, possibly crystal meth hahahaha. plus it was extremely loud trudging thru the snow to get there. plus it was windy and freezinf. plus i think it burned faster and i certainly did not enjoy it as much!!!

[its not worth it to take “relaxers” ie DEGENERATE MJ in public parks, too much nervous]

normalfag average successfuls, who can hold down a job, be middle working class, live in their own house, be married and have a family, and are not driven to madness or self destruction by their jobs or their crazy minds or their own laziness.
anyway. i am a lot chiller when things are going ok with ff. and i went from being super mad and wanting her to die, to being happy and in luv with her again, jsut because she messaged me and said she had been sick and showed me the teensiest bit of friendliness. [very back and forth from anger and hate, back to luv. I havent really felt that intense anger towards her since it ended, strangely enough. just mainly sad and disappointed.]
too bipolar and codependent or just dependent on her, eh? yes indeed. , so better that she disappears entirely right, because i could never have a healthy “rel” with her. and now that i like her and don’t hate her, like i did yesterday, i spent a little time looking at pictures of her. GREAT. and thinking of cuddlign and making out and licking sweaty butt juice out of her 4ss crack. [DEGEN WARNING, but you want to do really gross stuff with the one u luv haha.]
GREAT.
ok gotta go to store. get gas. milk. really got to get oil change. this is the stuff of life i have never been too good at.
yeah buddy. march 6, friday, survived day at work, every day is a miracle, one day i am just gonna snap and get fired hahahahahaha oh losing your livelihood is nothing to take seriously!!!!!

but you get quite the education. they don’t train us, because they can get away without training us. because really, we do not have the power to screw things up too bad, and cost the company too much money, and lives are never at stake. well, i guess you COULD delete a bunch of client data and cost the company thousands of dollars that way before they found you and fired you.
so they can get away with putting us in truly ridiuclous situations
welp it kinda sucks that i have w33d but not real way to enjoy it,

but it is awesome that i survived the day and get to go to sleep. maybe i will try some nyquil. actually thats a great idea.
really they just need to tell us what to say. TELL US WHAT TO SAY. I guess that is our job, to figure out what to say. a big part of our job is delivering bad news about stuff that cannot be done; or to explain WHY something can’t be done or why something happened; and that information is never available. . stupid negroes. they can suck my dick.
as someone who doesnt like to lie, it is uncomfortable for me to twist the truth. but since its not a FULL lie, and it’s actually easier than telling the truth here, because then you sound like an IDIOT who doesn’t know what you’re doing, so in that sense it makes sense to lie, like bullshitting. its bullshitting is all it is, really.
like they tell you no eta, and you tell them, TENTATIVE eta of 2 weeks, but that is not firm, yeah i’m sorry, yes i will throw my superiors under the bus, if i ran this company, i would hold them accountable, yes if this style of management keeps up, this company will not be around in 5 years, etc. we at the bottom work the hardest and get no help, etc. tell people to talk to their managers and their managers are either never fooking there, or don’t know what theuy’re doing, or they ARE they manager calling you because they don’t know what theyre doing.

ff is very disappoint. i am in lusting love with her but she feels nothing for me.we are basically at the “please respond” super omega phase, so….. that sucks. just gonna listen to judas priest and neckbeard all day, maybe concoct a plan to enjoy a relaxer later. can either go to the park 4 miles away OR go to the park near house. but find a diff place there.

angry at female friend for never wanting to respond to me, never wanting to hang out with me; angry at self for being so hung up on her, and for only giving effort with her alone and not other people, not just women, but trying to hang out with male friends too!!!!!

if you ever feel the need to write “PLEASE RESPOND” to a grill, it’s gone too far. stop right there and back the fook off, 9000000 miles. she obviously doesn’t want to respond to you and isn’t WORTH your energy.
heh. this is after i was back in luv with female fren a few days ago. it is SO back and forth, up and down, one extreme to the other, bipolar. [wow. funny that 3 months AFTER this I would be BEGGING “please respond” like never before! you see how I should have BLURTED IT OUT in MARCH at the latest! I was clearly going crazy then!!!!]

sunday march 8 1037 am, just “sprang fwd” to dyalight savings time and LOST a precious hour of SLEEP!!!!!!!! so i am butthurt about that.

then i came home and neckbearded till about 9 pm then went to bed and slept.
texted ff once and she did not respond. same as yesterday. come on. well i will know better, i will not text her today!!!! unbeleiveable. the gall of this b1tch hehehehe. well it doesn’t bode well for me to be so attached to her, when she could care less about me!!!!!
welp gotta go to church now. well i will just skip out of course!!!!
ok leave in like 40 mintues. no shower. smell horrible. look like a slob.
but yeah it sucks being bipolar about her, and utterly un movable about everything else. priorities are way out of whack. they kinda have been for most of my life. i was never really worried about career as much as i was worried about women. how stupid is that?
ok leave in 17 minutes.
well as long as i can get thru each day of work. which i kind of can, with my new flashcards system, and my leanring to BS better, and my cutting corners. all good skills and habits to learn hahaha.

i mean those things ARE good if it helps the company, makes more money, etc. but it is hard to say for our dept. lot of gray area, which means we are very expendable. like, how much money is the company really going to lose if they have a big technical problem? and how much money does our department want to spend to solve it, or can they just lay people off and say it’s not worth it to spend the money to fix it? important business questions.

but i am glad my female friend got rejected for the job she interviewed for. hahaha. welcome to my world baby. no escape. get used to being rejected. its a fact of life. life goes on. pretty young women dont get rejected enough.

but yeah i wish this b1tch would respond to me. or at least that i were more popular with more b1tches, so it wouldn’t MATTER if one measly b1tch did not respond to me, id have 5 more responding to me. damn. b1tches and wh0res.
540 pm well i sent her a text which is just a 🙂 and that is all. no supplicating for forgiveness, ok actually this is a facebook message not a text. no begging, just a simple 🙂 which is still pretty beta.
i might try a relaxer

well, my company doesn’t train people, in my job, so that means they tacitly approve of me BS’ing to the callers. meaning i have the freedom to tell them what i want. but i should still have some stock bs answers ready, because the company won’t give you those.

when in doubt, say that the process is known to fail 1% of the time. this is one of those times. fortunately it’s easy to fix and should not happen again. if it does, that means something else is wrong, call us back please.
this is kinda like medicine, but also kinda not, because it’s very difficult to determine the cause of anything.
say yeah its unfortunate we can’t determine the cause of these. computers are actually a million times more unpredictable than a human body. we just have to be grateful to alleviate the symptoms. these computers do not have a useful life of more than three years anyway.

if you think i am pessimistic you should talk to your managers manager because that is your best chance to have a talk with a real decision maker.

Anonymous 03/08/15(Sun)20:09:09 No.16935165▶
>>16934781
The robot who is on the verge of normalcy faces a great dilemma: does he wait for who knows how long to find a girl that meets his standards, ridiculous or not, or does he settle for a girl he will inevitably be disgusted by to remove his loneliness for a while?

sdsds

march 10
they dont train us, because time and experience has proven, they don’t NEED to train us, it doesn’t add enough value to train us, in fact, they LOSE money by training us. because they just need a warm body who can not get emotional, and write down facts without emotion, and then if it gets escalated, the people who might understand a little better can use those facts to piece together the puzzle. and this is more efficient than training us. or else they would train us, if that were more efficient.

i could go up to a manager and be like why don’t you train us? hahahahahaha.
because it really doesn’t matter.

march 11
i just bought a new computer for 443 dollars. damn. it has double the ram so i hoping its twice as fast. i prob should have sprang for even more ram but i am just so sick of this computers slowness. i can’t even run tabs and sheet.
probably won’t be super fast.
anyway i kind of need this sort of big 444 dollar purchase to be an impulse toherwise i won’t do it.
ok mfer lets do it.
well i did that and its done. definite pros and cons, risks and such, not proud, et

Barfly – Opening scene (Booker T. & The MG’s – Hip Hug-Her …
▶ 4:13
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dHFevKZn0lA
Nov 2, 2010 – Uploaded by Dani Carpi
Barfly – Opening scene (Booker T. & The MG’s – Hip Hug-Her) …Am I the only one in the world that thought this great songsounded a bit like …

[it is a great song but not sure which song i thought it was supposed to sound like!!!!! perhaps “the changeling”, the opening song on the doors great final album “la woman.”]

oh yeah just moved this stuff onto notepade.
notepad is 90000000 times faster.
saving the txt file on google drive.

i just prefer this kind of writing program atm.

notepad is hardest core and best writing program.
yes this is much better than docs.

keep checking fb like a beta because i sent ff a fb msg early in the day. the first one was a long “fun” one abotu music; then i though oh no that’s creepy, so i sent her a short one at the end of the day, very short, testing to see if she would chat then. not surprisingly she did not. [trying to do small talk about common interest of music, prob to show her I am still that same kewl guy she became friends with]

gotta go to bed soon. hope that new computer is faster because if not i am screwed.
march 12 2015

[the new computer is faster and it has provided me great value for 13 months so far. I enjoy it. no regertz]

////////END  COPYPASTE

Yeah I found some more so get used to this shit hahahaha. ok paste one more in this post.

uhhh took my post office test 473 and got 86.9 on it. i guess 70 is the minimum and 100 is the max? I did Well except for the final part, which involves memorizing addresses, and my MEMORY is HORRIBLE from all the ABUSE I did to my brain from ages 16-26 hahahaha. more like wawawawawawawa. it is not funny, hahaha. wawawawa.

GO::::::

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march 2015 txt:::: [current comments in [] ]

mar 17 2015
had big screw up w ff today when i went to talk to her and i was getting creepy again which is never good, i honestly could be overestimateing that tho, very hard to tell who was the bad guy there. i like to think it was her! she said please just leave and i left. but i was just shocked more than anything. was having a not horrible day, but she wasnt making it any better!!! i had good talks with 2 people, investigated some good issues, still gotta get quicker wiht the escalations so i try to do everything first then write shortest book possible, crammed with all info. noice got a noice new mouse installed, it looks noice. i am thinking of the jason sudeikis char on cleveland show, hilarious. one of the new comedians thats actually any good.

dont like gdocs. prefer notepad but i dont wanna sync it w google drive download, trying to avoid that one as much as possible. leaves all sorts of files under users.

fook it , starting a notepad, see that.

ok here we go.

playing some cards, swc is back! love it.

now just gotta rememebr to save this dam txt file!

oooh

cleveland saying donna she is a shamefully obese widow, in reference to kendra. this show is so underrated. i should buy a dvd haha.

but it sucks about ff. i really wanted to avoid looking like the bad guy. i want her to text me and say im sorry for once hahaha. but she prob wont. 90 10.
and so when i see her again on thursday i got to stay away from her like THE PLAGUE. no nothing. total 100% avoidance. maybe one stupid smiley face at the end of the day at very most.

so yeah it never feels good to have a major screwup like that! but i did ok with my new priority programname tech. and then to finish the day with ok behaviour towards her, to have it all build up from like 530 to 6 pm, is riduclous! and diappoiting of course.

hard to say how many people noticed, i hoped not a lot.

[ I was surviving decently well with My Calls it looks like. I was doing well and fairly confident all day, having a good day, UNTIL I went to talk to her at the end of the day, and she was very bitchy and I went completely crashing down I guess. I dunno I just wanted to chit chat with her before leaving. seeing her was the highlight of my day. and seeing me was something she dreaded and could do without. she never came to visit me, I always came to visit HER, and then I stopped doing that because thats what she wanted hahahaha.]

hmm i guess i was in the wrong because i was distracting her from her work, and i would not like to be distracted during my work. it is just physically impossible. so maybe she was not lying when she said she wasnt mad at me.

even hard to say how mad she actually is cuz i neveer get much info out of her. things are pretty bad.

[yes. should have blurted it out.]

and i cannot be the bad guy. that is the most important thing.

well, not really, but it is very important.

[it is! because I didnt want it to be ALL MY FAULT!!!!!]

or she could just not be mad and just brushing it off. in which case its probably better that she IS mad, because that means she cares, rather than runnig off sucking n199er c0ck. and partying with all the more alpha men at werk, getting spit roasted like a whore.

or even just making out with other guys. i get very jealous when i am not given a chance. yep i do sound like the bad guy eh.

but yeah it sucks, i wish she would just text me with SOMETHING and just let me know.

so yeah i hope she is lying and she is mad….i think? it is just as confusing as the confusing stuff we do all day. and i told her i hate being confused all day, in refernece to the job.

but i am actually performing better on the job than i am
performing with her. but still stressed out about both.

bottom line, situation there JUST SUCKS. it JUST SUCKS altogether. heh. i am mad at HER.

but i still like her too, so i cant be TOO mad. but i shouldn’t like her so much cuz its stupid, and she doesn’t like me back, and she makes me fairly mad. stressed and confused nad anxious.

so yeah obviously i should avoid her like the plague on thursday. well that takes care of that eh.

[i didnt want to avoid her though. I was struggling to Rein it in and Dial It Back, but I still wanted Closure and Communication. I couldn’t avoid it until it went away. It wasnt gonna go away for me. I should blurted it out and wrote her an email right then. in march. not july. coulda saved four months hahaha. that is thousands of dollars.]

yeah its terrible that i CARE so much and worry so much and she doesn’t give a damn at all, AND on top of that, she won’t give me dat ass that she gives tons of other guys. of course im entitled to it, we actually KNOW each other!!!!

well like i said, i plan on dumping her completely if things are not looking good by the end of april. that is the absolutely laterst deadline, and them i am dumping her like the dead weight white trash whore dirty tramp she is.

[see I was getting pretty angry at her and how she was avoiding and ignoring me. shoulda said THIS ENDS NOW. WE NEED TO TALK NOW. also i didnt have any PROOF she was slutting it up with other guys, but I was jealous that she was friendlier to other guys than to me. plus disgusted by her past Mudsharking.]

and i can’t even inquire about the status right now, becuase that would be too invasive. but i would like such an update, was hoping she would send me an apology to be honest.

but yeah that came out of nowhere. she just spun around and faced me and told me to please leave. wow. i was so taken aback. i said ok and quickly left without argument, probably squeezing in a few sorrys as well.

i have been saying sorry way too much, esp when i don’t really feel that much at fault, if anything the blame is 55 45 ON HER!

maybe even 60 40 she’s the bad guy!

but even if im the good guy, i still dont get to be with her wahhhhhhhhhhh life of loneliness ftw. and the nice memories we did have, they really were good and it would be so sad to end this way. but i don’t want to be just friends with her any more and am willing to risk the whole thing for a chance. but to also not be the bad guy beyond that.

[well it actually ended in an even SADDER way….]

march 18
sheeeeeeeeiiiiiiiittttt. stupid female friend, wish she never existed! judas priest is the only thing that can save me now. live vengeance 82 in memphis. make a cd of that.

welp that means i got to downlaod stupid programs to the comp.

it is also very resassuring to me that rob halford, a scrawny, weak-chinned, homosexual, bald, short, man can be such a huge masculine badass. if he can do it, so can ANYBODY. and to do it so convincingly and sincerely. no hint of compensating for anything.

and if women think you’re weird for loving a gay man, then they can go fook themselves, rob halford is way cooler than some bitch.

ok made that cd.
next plan is to take shower, make relaxer, go out and do that, go to store, get bananas, fish oil, maybe soda, maybe gas, peanuts, stuff.

f00king bitch, i am very mad at her!!!! at how she could just not care about me at all and totally leave me holding the bag. bagholder. leaving me in the LURCH and just j00ing me like a bitch.

i wish she would say sorry to ME rather than me apologizing to HEr 900000000 times a day because she thinks i’m weird.

i have always got rejected because i was too weird. bitches always think i’m too weird, then they don’t want to hang out with me, forget making out or physical or even emo action.

f00k bitches, all i need is gay rob halford and judas priest.

but yeah if shes gonna be a big whore giving that ass to everyone else, then YES i AM ENTITLED, bitch. give me a little bit too, if youre just a promiscuous whore!!!! [again no proof, just angry at her, and jealous]

also i afeel a bit sold out. not necessarily betrayed, but i just thought we were simply better friends than for her to totally dump me like that. because im not cool enough, or too weird, or too needy, or i want to talk to her too much, or whatever. wtf. [not necess betrayed! Even at my most angry I knew she wasnt betraying me. but she was leaving me high and dry.]

that feel when you have officially fallen in luv with a grill and she hasn’t explicitly rejected you YET, so you get false hope. and things are finally starting to get nice and tense, worrisome, stressful. you a re close to getting your official rejection. sweet.

but at least SOMETHING is happening.i was glad to push her to do something, buttttttt i dont want to look like the bad, creepy, weird guy, abusing this poor innocent wimmin.

and yet i still want to text her and talk to her and “figure this out!”
unebeliveable!!!!!

so i watch degen porno to get mind off her, and then imagine her doing that with all these other guys but never me!!!!! [yeah I should not have been watching degen porno, but then i was convinced it was a tool to help me get over her, and not think about HER. maybe it was, but I am glad I quit watching that stuff a few months after this.]

wow eveything ive type PROVES i am the bad guy! non bad guys dont think like this! and this is not the good kind of bad guy, but rather the creepy weird beta omega virgin who never pulls pussy!!!!!

march 18
gotta go to bed super soon, big day tomorrow. cannot contact ff at ALL ENTIRE DAY, still on fence abut the one smiley at very end of day, but that would prob be creepy, so, dont do it.

think of my reputation!!!!!!! on the job i mean!!! yikes i am aleady in too deep. or at least the semi normies on /adv would advise, but its a fun forum anyway.

well at least i have the time before she gets in. it is gonna be no easy three days though. dear god have mercy on us all.

msrch 21
playing cards, jpriest, skepticism ethere ep, did ok on cards, still 90 out of 100 bankroll though. great music, did relaxer in left side of park, ver tired now, 1227 am, just about to go to bed here. female fren is retarded and i wish we could just hang out. probabl shell hang out with me like end of april and then say oohhhh im so happy now and i found a new BOIFRAN too! hooray for me taking n199er c0x!

[no she DIDNT hang out with me end of april. but she did finally confess she had a family issue. so i felt guilty about pushing her. but I still think she could have taken 5 minutes and wrote me an email. communicated somehow.]

and then i will say see ya, have a shitty life, white trash, you deserve it.

march 22 sunday morning. 9 am. i seem to have been getting up early sunday morn. neckbeardih, judas priest TURBO, getting uh better call saul in, watching episode 2 now, taking a break now. will goto church at 12 but do relaxer BEFORE then sit in the back with the zipperheads.

now in bathroom doing decadence.

varg v has a great recent vidya to all the pvssy f4ggots whining about not be able to finda good women, all women are whores, mgtow, omega, virgins, etc, and his first video to deal directly with this topic.
FAINT HEARTS DO NOT WIN FAIR LADIES, is the norse proverb he repeats here. stop being a littl epvssy f4ggot bitch, and do something manly, brace, heroic, and the decent women will come to you. kind of like he did with his music and pro-white work. you have to be above average in some way. so he got himself a decent woman, and now has 4 or 5 kids with her. can’t blame him!

turbo jp.
sentenced love and death, particular dreamlands.
jp out in the cold, followed by dreamlands, in the march 2015 mix haha.

march 25
wed day off, being semi productive, listening to jp sentinel, dotf.
about to go to store and do a relaxer on the way. [DEGEN!!!!!]

just waiting 12 minutes for washing machine to stop. then i will go.

ff [female friend] is still being a n1993r loving cvnt. really bad. i deserve better. well i once deserved better. but this is about as good as i deserve now…..and i still can’t pull it!

[I didnt and I do not and I will not even like MUDSHARKING. it is DISGUSTING. and DISGUSTING that the luv of my life would ever do something like that. NOT EVEN ONCE.]

she is nicer when i ignore her, so i will try to ignore her. job is really bad and i would love her moral support, but she is utterly refusing to give it, the ice cold bitch. plus she finds the job bearable because HER job is TEN times easier. and she thinks its MY problem that i am always stressing out. well bitch, my job is TEN times harder than yours, thats why i’m stressing out. easy for YOU to “go with the flow” dummy. i don’t have that luxury. check your privilege. i jokingly told her to check her livechat privilege but she blew it off, she will never admit her job is easier than mine.

[i was bitter because I believed doing livechats was easier than doing phones. when really i prob would have been miserable on livechats too. I was just butthurt because she was much better at Not Letting The Job Bother Her than I was.]

so i have been joining this other clique and feeling good to be appreciated. then yesterday i went around walking for an hour helping people more than i have done in recent memory. of course ff did not see it. i was hoping she would so i could blatantly walk by her and NOT help her, because she never needs help, shes so smart.

[i was on a personal mission to stay after my shift for an hour, and walk around, and help newer people who clearly needed help, but the department had gotten rid of physical people walking around giving help, cut costs. I thought that was horrible. So I stayed after work and did this unpaid. I wanted to also show HER how much SMARTER I was than her, and I was chomping at the bit for her to ask me for help. but she never did. well I was SMART, look at all the OTHER people who love me and think I’m smart.]

i even talked to the pretty girl i want to wife up, but she was a little bitchy too. i guess all women are bitches hahaha. or i bring out the bitchiness in women. still she is a higher quality woman than ff, and i think she has drawn male attention away from ff, which is good.

[there was a new gurl who was like a younger, prettier version of that woman. and indeed guys would probably white knight for her before they would white knight for That Woman.]

shes probably a huge bitch due to all the male attention she gets because she is so pretty.

well thank GOD for muh chat room [social/casual/friendly work chat room, not official level 2 chat room] and the friendly people there who give ME moral support. that has def made a positive impact.

also, my flashcards.
also, my walking around on the call floor is good for me becuase it helps ME learn so i am more confident later.

[this is very true. i wasnt doing this for the sole purpose of bragging to her. I really DID want to help the new people. I really DID have a vendetta against the company having bad training and eliminating physical support walkers. as opposed to getting ALL your level 2 advice from a gayass Chat Room. it REALLY helps to have a real person who can look at your screen and talk to you right there.]

it is a lot easier to LEARN and THINK when you don’t have the PRESSURE of a caller holding, making you NERVOUS. damn son.

heh march 25 finished doing my income taxes, getting 1700 dollars back from uncle sam, 160 dollars from muh state. not bad eh?

march 28 2015

PANTERA LIVE 1988. this and defenders era live priest.
march 29 810 am
got out of bed early, went to bed at 930 pm, was violently tired and couldn’t force myself to watch tv or neckbeard.
then got a solid 9 or 10 hours or sleep, def need more!

i did a small relazer yesterday where i used my cigaret machine to inject the mixture into a regular cigaret tube. then i tried punching holes in the filter and pulling out some of the filter. because i don’t want any precious relaxation getting filtered out! but i wanted it to look like a normal cigarete rather than a realy suspicious conical relaxer, so that really does bring down the anxiety level there. but the thing is done faster and i worry that some of it might be wasted.

oh well, it was pretty good and i think with the right tools i could remove the filter better. like a pin or paper clip or exacto knoife.

[you can just squeeze the filter out, throw away half, then stuff the other half back in there. OR use a little rolled up piece of flashcard and no cotton filter.]

pantera should NOT have abandoned their power metal days so abruptly. phil had a great halfordesque voice that he threw away too quickly. cowboys was fine, no problem there, but then the big tuff guy switcheroo after that was too much. and no reason to stop playing the power metal songs live. power metal is an awesome album and them turning their back on it is a little weak. when phil was 20 years old he could hit all those same notes live. see live 1988 and 1989 recordings. him and dime were not falling down sloppy drunk like degen199ers. [great word coinage hahaha. and yeah all this music talk is correct.]

and the cfh is filled with halford highs in every song, i wish he didn’t stop that so soon. i used to think the highs were corny but now i fully appreciate them, and i appreciate where they came from: halford.

best thing to do with ff [female friend] is: NOT text or message her today. i turned off fb chat. leave it off. i should have never friended her. i might just leave fb for a month and then have her unfriended when i come back. [wrong: best thing to do would say THIS ENDS NOW, WE NEED TO TALK. BLURT IT OUT. it was SIX MONTHS already. I was playing according to her rules. I could have been ASSERTIVE and said NO I will not let you continue to walk all over me like this. you are crossing my boundaries. tradeucing them hahahaha.]

uhhhh.

sunday still. 12 54 pm. listening to priest…live! opens with out in the cold.

poker site down again haha. trying not to text ff today. would be great to accomplish that goal.plus its obviously the smarter thing to do. [nope see above]

march 31
well today action is happening and i am awaiting the big official LJBF/dumping email in the next 12 hours, at 1148 pm i thought it might be here, but NO. well i checked at least. we had a good work chat  where she was starting to respond positively but her redneck language prevented her from communicating the full ideas, but it seemed to suggest an email forthcoming. rut ro reorge.

[I think I was under the impression that she would send me an email. I think during our “good work chat” I encouraged her to write me an email. But I didnt come out and say “please write me an email for sure.” I felt she did understand that I wanted her to write me an email, but really she probably didnt. She did not end up writing one hahaha. But for a while I really thought she was, and I thought it would be some good closure.]

i am prepared for the absolute worst, stay away from me weirdo, to which i would i would gladly respond, glady cupcake. have fun being the new company slut ya whore! taking all comers except one!

but it could be something different, but still 95% BAD outcome. i am not optimistic about the outcome at ALL. but i am still eagerly awaiting it, because at least it means this chapter in muh life can END. hehe worlds biggest closure fan.jpg

i made a small joke of her going to the concert with this guy from job, who is notably younger, taller, handsomer, less bald haha, a bit trimmer more proportionate, who i had long suspected ff with haha, well she tells me she went with him and i was like ouch babe lol. glad to see who’s in the cool kids club lol, thats ok, im already over it B) [i did make a joke about this, because I was kinda upset about her going with him and not even inviting me. I said I like going to concerts with yooooou even if I do not know the Artist very well. it would be fun. you know I like all kinds of music right? then joked about her thinking this guy was cooler than me now, guess she was getting bored of me after 2.5 years hahaha. and then she responded to that work chat by saying nooooo we (me and her) are good friends, you are a way better friend than he is, etc, whcih was exactly what I was fishing for. ]

but yeah the email will send some kind of clear sign that i must abide by in order to keep moral high ground. no exceptions. this is THE END. i can actually breathe a sigh of relief for this being FINSHED. and then i have only the job haha. [well, i was HOPING I would get an email that sent a clear sign. I should have shown the initiative and done that myself and said LISTEN. THIS ENDS NOW.]

play a little cards.

april 1
hmm still waiting on that email that gives me muh precious closure hahaha. [there was a misunderstanding of course.]

also everyone at our job could get laid off today. i wouldn’t mind, the job sucks that bad. and if you convert my money made in 2014 to that of a full time worker, uh then i made less than 10 dollars an hour. so a 12 dollar hour job would be a big step up, provided it has no layoff.

and signing up for company healthcare was a BIG mistake, i will never use it, stuff like dentist and docker office visits, are not affected. finding a new doctor and paying for their office visit is like 120$ copay or whatever, and that’s with insurance. or the insurance just doesnt cover anything. previous doctro was 80 bucks for office visit. i have to find another old white cheap docter hehehe. he is retiring or sick and that is kinda sad, i should see what happened to him. [he had a ridiculous fraud, prescription, sex scandal hahaha and went to prison]

 

just waiting for the email of doom. i mean i really deserve and am entitled to a positive outcome here but 90% will get screwed because i always get screwed by women when it comes to not being rejected haha. can never get my cuddlez and make outs and datez let alone masculine reamings. no hangouts, no nothing. no good, all bad. damn. bitches be bitches man. wipe them off the face of the earth, not before raeping the shit out of them! disgusting degenerate idiot subhumans. [HYPERBOLE!!!!]

averagefags have disappointents with wimmin too, but the good eventually outweighs the bad. not for the likes of us lost souls: the bas has outweighed the good, so we have a generally negative attitude towards women, because women have sucked for us more than they’ve been ok!!!

cons of my ff is that she is a white trash n1993r lover from a very broken family who is dumber than i give her credit for, and doesn’t really like me, and is incraeasingly becoming more degen as time goes on and she gets OLDER.

pros are that she used to be really nice and friendly and decent and non-degen and low-number, and kind and caring and gentle. that is the version of her i fell in luv with.

o how things have changed!

today i should be given a medal for getting out of bed. i am now on the crapper. need to eat breakfast, take shower, start laundry, do a little grooming, prepare relaxer, go to store, come home, hoepfully do powerwalk, then go to BED for three horrendous days coming up, with an email of final doom in there, and having to see her n199er loving whore face for 2 days lol. [I make no apologies for calling her a n199er loving whore hahahaha. I am DISGUSTED by mudsharkery. yeah her mudsharkery could have been worse, and I dont even have proof she BANGED the guy. maybe she nonsecsually dated him for like 5 months and he was like sheeeeeeeeeeit dis white bitch don wanna gibs me dat ass, den i goan get sum dat ass from mah hoodratz bitches son. also he was a charming, light skinned, probably pretty white acting black. NO EXCUSE THOUGH.]

or maybe our center closes today and we all get laid off today. i would not mind. [kind of job where you look forward to being laid off cuz you just cant go on without knowing there is a light at the end of the tunnel. hooray get at least 8 weeks off and get to collect unemployment. free at last, etc.]

ok bathroom, shower, laundry, breakfast, now its 108 pm, time for a nap hahahaha. no i was going to do relaxer now. waiting for email of doom, knowing her she prob wont even write it and i will be waiting for naught. btiches will disappoint you on EVERY front, no stone unturned of disappointment. i might just have to grab her by brute force. she would probably like the masculine gesture. [HYPERBOLE ]

uh oh maybe she didnt mean she was gonna write the email, but it was a big company announcement. the more i think abotu it, the more this is very probable, because we may get an email today saying were all fired. [she might have mentioned AN email in our chat, when she was talking about a Big Work Email, not a Big Personal Email she was gonna send me!]

but in this case i kinda embarrassed myself with the emotional confession from me yesterday! [Can’t remember what was said. I think it was a work chat where I apologized like a pvssy for making her snap at me, BUT that I also missed her and I felt like I was losing her and I really couldnt go forever with no hanging out. so, KINDA asserting myself. but not assertively enough hahaha. and there was an idea that there might be some kind of email, and I thought oh goody she’s finally gonna open up to me and communicate. NOPE!]

so i texted her and joked about it and she sort of conceded some emotionality herself. but i dont think she was meaning to write me an email with a clear sign, nope not at all. damn. she is still oblivious as fook.

foooook. so, right back where we were, no progress made, no new information gleaned, no motion. kinda frustrating, if she does not hang out with me soon i am done. what a b. i dont have time for b’s, i got 99 problems and a b aint 1.

[yeah that was disappointing. another chance for communication, shot down in flames.]

april 4
insanely angry at ff. shouldnt have texted her tonight but it was the minimum of words possible. prob wont get a response. prob her and her whore mother banged a bunch of n199ers when they were at this thing. and now shes going out getting banged by the guy from work, when she has blown me off and rejeted me many times over the past 6 months literally. blow me off and blow this guy. whats almost as bad as that is the implicatin that i am totally inferior to him. she doesn’t want to hang out with me, she eagerly wants to hang out with him and get F00KED like a dirty whore by him, and i can even GET her to hang out wiht me EVER. f00k. i mean she is just being RIDICULOUS. she says we are “good friends” but she is full of shit. i am furious at her and have pretty much officially swtiched over from love to hate. oh great. this is the real fun part! well, i was well on my way earlier. it was obviously getting to this point. it sucks. hate and jealousy along wtih the bitterness and disappointment, hahaha. increases the risk of me angrily snapping at her, which will make her the winner. i still have one thing to hope for, and that’s being the WINNER. not being the bad guy. having the MORAL HIGH GROUND and HER being the one at FAULT. it’s way more her fault than mine. 90 10.

[yep not a good day there hahaha. lots of anger. I never got this angry after it was over!]

usual hard stupid greuling mind destroying day of work, and one of my male moral supporters was sick, and i avoided calls, but i still did ok, withstood pretty well, and the best part was that SHE was not there today. that was the best part. without her there it’s….not tolerable but quite a bit better. i prefer not seeing her if she is going to be a huge cvnt to me, screwing me over, leaving me in the lurch, hanging, she has pretty much abandoned me in the sense that SHE has given up on me and i am not happy about it.  [abandoned eh? hhehehe. yes indeed. ya dont say. also there were 2 days i worked but she was off those days. at first I thought it sucked not being able to see my Ray Of Sunshine, the Best Part Of My Day….but as things got worse, I looked forward to the days where I wouldn’t have to see her. it was chiller that way. makes me think I probably could have survived the job if she werent there.]

i cannot get her to hang out with me on satruday ngiht, and she is out hanging out with other more exciting more charismatic alpha males when she said she was a shy and not a party person.  getting fucked by alpha males, spreading easily like easy sleazy whore, as she gives these men pleasures i have only dreamed of. damn. god damn dirty whore. [very angry hahaha. not sure if I was referring to a specific saturday night, or any one of the saturday nights that she avoided hanging out with me, had become a disappointing pattern, haha]

went for 30 minute walk to day and had a relaxer and it was sweet. i have the new perfect method, make the relaxer in my cigarette injector. and then take out HALF the filter and stuff the other half back in. and then it looks just like smoking a cig, which decreases the nervousness a LOT. GREAT idea.  [DEGEN!!!!]

i am SO angry at her, almost violently. yep. it si kinda scary how hateful i am getting towards her. like she can f00king d13, the f00king worthless whore. piece of shit. r43p the shit out of her. f00king whore, piece of worthless shit, white trash, whore, f00king tons of guys except me, saying we are friends when she wont even hang out with me, hangs out with other guys and eagerly spreads her cvnt for them and they get some of that so easily which i want so badly, not just to pound that pvssy, but her love and attention and desire and to really be wanted by her, to be liked and lusted after by her. f000000000k. [wow i was emotional back then too hahaha. no i never did anything violent OR creepy to her.]

that relaxer was great. little less amount than the longer ones, but still just enough.

well when she talks to me i have to lie and say i had a ton of fun this weekend AND ESP that i hung out with my FRIENDS and had fun SOCIALISING with them. with my FRIENDS, who you are not, and you were NOT invited to this one [party with male friend?], u popular bitch getting c0x. jealous that she would give that which i want so bad so easily to other people, [no proof, and probably not even happeneing, hahaha] and i cant even get a LITTLE, which ive wanted so bad for TOO LONG. heh. yes six months is WAY too long. THIS ENDS NOW. [heh I said it even then. but didnt DO it. should have DONE it.]

yeah the job gets in the way but i would make time for her, like right now. and she talks and laughs and has fun with other people at the job, yet she f00king forbids me from ever visiting her. last time i visited her she flipped out and got all angry and scary and told me to leave now. i left and since then i havent come back. yet we still CHAT as if nothing weird is happening.  [she was controlling the Rules of Engagement AND avoiding the tension]

maybe she is pushing me to get angry just as i am pushing her to get angry because she wants ME to look like the bad guy, exactly like i want HER to look like the bad guy.

PERFECT way to do that is her be a whore and get f00ked by other guys, then i flip out.

therefore, she WILL f00k other guys, make sure i know about it, probably that guy from job…..and then i MUST not get angry. and then she looks like a cheap whore, and i look like a cool dude, who is too GOOD for such a trifling whore. which is exactly the reputation i want.

but doing that wont be easy. but surviving til layoff is a good first step. but that was especially when i wanted to hang out with her!!!!!

so when she says shes “dating” bla bla i can say, hmm, kinda sucks you refused to give me a chance baby, then she says huh what, then i say, yeah i was obviously asking you to hang out for the past 6 months but you always shot me down. i mean i can r43p you right now, but yeah you really screwed me baby, and i am not happy about it. in fact, this is the last time you’ll see me. f00k you whore, have a shitty life. f00k off and die like your stupid whore friend. you suck, you piece of shit. [i thought it would end with her being a whore, rather than her Abandoning me. I thought she was actually hang out with me and talk to me at some point!]

i wrote like 10 text drafts like that last night hahahaha. it might have been 4/3/15 that i crossed the ultimate rubicon of hate.

[duly noted, good to have a timeline hahaha. also, writing draft texts that you never send is a HALLMARK SIGN that this needs to END NOW. BLURT IT OUT NOW.]

so tired. gotta go to stupid easter mass. will probably do relaxer before it, maybe one in the afternoon too. [ god damn. this is iron clad proof the relaxers are degenerate.]

during the 4 days of the week i see her, i want to try taking 1 valium in two halves, one in morning, one at mid day.

be cool with her. tell her how much fun i had with my friends. just straight up LIE to her to try to bang her. she doesn’t DESERVE the truth. i will just lie lie lie lie lie to try to bang her like the flthy whore she is. and then continue lying to her until i have banged her 200 times or so and am totally sick of her, and use her as a practice girl for MUCH higher quality girls like the other gurl at job. who is prettier and less white trash and hopefully less of a slut, well at least less of a n1993r loving slut.

and i don’t hate black guys, but i do strongly dislike n1993 f00king white bitches. especilly when my so called friend turns out to be one.

heh. well i prob hate her more than she hates me. she is just annoyed at me and wants to make me angry. i f00king hate her whore guts and wouldn’t mind seeing her life destroyed. i am not gonna do antyhing violent or criminal to her or anyone though. no violence or criminal stuff. but maybe shaming pictures of her being a whore, posted all around her neighborhood, facebook, and especially at the job. well, i would def not get hired back if i did that haha, and that prob is criminal. [NO CRIMINAL STUFF! I never did any of this of course. and yeah I kinda wish i COULD be that hateful and angry towards her again, it’s better than being sad and devastated.]

so lie, say i had so much fun, i went to see bla bla movie, bla bla concert, went to this fun thing, oh it was great, it was fun, me and my friend had such a good time, oh which friend, oh my friend make up name, could not say the girl from the job, because she might ask that girl. have to come up with a fake name. how about that young cute gurl who is going to MEDICAL SKOOL who i met at the young man’s party. she was cute, young, not a whore, and was going to medical sckool immed after undergrad, 22 or 23 years old at the oldest.  YEP just say her.oh how do you know her. oh just a friend of a friend, weve been hanging out more, SHE’S REAL COOL, real awesome new person i’ve been spending time with. [this is passive agressive girly games. dont do this.]

total lies, but i can morally justify it. in too much pain and anger and hate.

yeah THAT is on me, i am getting TOO mad and OVERreacting, but i am certianly entitled to a littl ebit of righteous indignation, even christ would agree!!! and certianly i HAVE gone overboard there. but f00k it. as long as i dont do antyhing stupid.

10 37 holy shit i just got a text back from her, was not expecting that. at around 930 i texted her saying how was bla bla. and now text at 1037. and i am out hanging out with my friends right now. can’t text her back for at LEAST 10 minutes. TEXT GAME BEGINS. i am honestly a little tired to go out, was about to lay down and go to sleep, but we will see. well lets at least record what she said here: [i was out hanging out with friends right now? that really doesnt make any sense. maybe I was just about to leave to go out. i dunno. i dont see myself writing in this while I was hanging out with friends, im just not that rude!!!! not sure what I meant here. OOOOOHHHHHHHH I meant I was playing TEXT GAME and I was PRETENDING I was hanging out with friends, so I look like I’m not sitting around waiting for her to text back like I actually was. look like I have a life. Which i dont, hahaha. how pathetic!]

yes it was so nice meeting him im still trying to process it all still. hope your day at work wasnt too rough and have a good holiday 🙂

[ I knew she was meeting this person earlier in the day who…….i cant say too much but I did NOT suspect her of wanting to fook him. he is a middle-aged family man with a wife and children. I think she viewed him as kind of a father figure. well I liked being her father figure too! anyway even if she DID want to fook him, I think he would be decent enough not to fook her.]

wow sounds like something i would write. does not strongly imply she is getting f00ked by bla bla right now, but does not not strongly imply it either! in fact she is putting on whore makeup right now and whorepants and going over to get 00ked right NOW and being happy about it, and throwing me a crumb on her way out the door to be f00ked, and it DOES strongly imply that she does not want to hang out with ME tonight!!! [i was convinced she was going out slutting it up with hot young guys, including the Cool Sexy Level 3 guy from work hahaha]

f00king two faced lying phony fake bitch, i will like to her just like she is a f00king phony nice to me. but i am not phony nice to her! i am honestly a nice guy ™

ahahahahahaha yes i AM a CLASSIC TEXTBOOK niceguy(tm) thining hes entitled to luv just because once friends with grill

well i’m in bed ant too tired to go out, btich should have texted me promptly if she wanted that. or how about at any point during the day saying “yeah ok i am finalyl ready to hang out now, come over at 8 o clock and bangme already”

nope hahahaha. bitch. n1993r loving stupid degenerate disgusting whore.

april 5 easter, 931 am, pooping on toilet

well she did text me back again, and implied she wasn’t out getting f00ked like a n1993rr loving wh0re, and then i felt better about her. but not alot. [its because she did stuff like this that i hadnt lost all hope with her. and its not that she was stringing me along. its because she honestly was a decent person sometimes.]

tell her “it’s easier to get approval to escalate a case than to get approval to hang out with you!” just kidding. but not really lol. [why not just tell her that? I should have. maybe I included it in a work chat she just glossed over. See I could write her stuff but she would MISS it.]

tell her i miss her but i also kinds feel that shes left me hangin and im not sure what she really feels but i am confused and prob she is confused too, well i am confused by her confusing behavior. not confused over the fact i want bang her and go out with her and make her monog gfran.

take shower next, go out to longass easter mass but have a nice relaxer beforehand.

try to write some stuff that i can say, bs talking points to say in the worlds worst situations, to explain the worst disappointmnets. those are the only flashcards i really need.

wrote her a SHORT DRAFT email of real stuff that i should say. i could actualyl send this. but it does need to be as short as possible. [yes i should have actually sent something ASAP.]

APRIL 7

go to new file son

END MARCH 2015 . TXT

END POST hahahahahaha

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JUST TELL ME ITS UNDER 5 / NONSLUTS SHOULD SIGNAL THEIR NONSLUTTINESS AS MUCH AS SLUTS SIGNAL THEIR SLUTTINESS

1222

shit hhehehehe.

yeah great idea for schooling. with my skool, you wouldnt even need homeschool. i would have long talks with homeschoolers and be like nope nothing to worry about here, you can trust your kids with me, basically im just gonna give them of 4-5 years of JOB TRAINING, in at LEAST 32 different ACTUAL JOBS, AND give them actual working experience in some of those jobs over the summers.

then by the time they graduate high school, they will be skilled workers making at least 15dah and be able to be productive independent adults.

of course you didnt need a RADICAL NEW high school to be able to do this 40 “short” years ago! you just went to normal high school, then Got A Job like everybody else! didnt have to think about it! didnt have to outcompete 10 other interviewers for a 12dahj! (in 1975 dollars, purchasing power, adjusted for inflation etc)

they say yeah motherfooker at age 18 i was only making 2 dollars an hour in 1975. but 2 dollars in 1975 is like 15 dollars in 2015 hahahaah. citation needed.

you didnt need to spend 10 grand to learn how to become a Machinist. you just got an Junior Machinist job at age 18 and then in a few years became a Senior Machinist. and then in a few more years became machinist manager and then sit around and get drunk all day at work hahahahahahaha because you didnt have degenerate internet pron to look at in 1980. and shit was going well so you didnt care about degeneracy. you bitched abotu your wife but at least you had a wife and she wasnt a land whale and she didnt betray you! the worst she did was nag you. you still got secs and luv and LOYALTY.

anyway my concern now is having SAFEGUARDS so i dont go from 0 to 100 ever again.

but was it really 0 to 100?

i dont think so. it was at least 50 to 100.

maybe 60 to 100!

and the best SAFEGUARD against that would be what i already decided: BLURT IT OUT ASAP.

that would have released some pressure, and took me back dwn to 0.

i wasnt LYING, but i was kinda hiding a secret that i didnt really WANT to keep a secret, but i was just too scared to talk. and that tension kept rising and boiling. it didnt go 0 to 100 in one day but over 10 months. 300 days.  .33% per day hahahaha.

doesnt the power that be WANT us gainfully employed, because they can get more taxes out of us? and we will be more docile and controllable? because too many weird losers like me, they dont make taxes from, plus enough people like me, there will be RIOTS!

well are shiftless jobless blacks really rioting every day? hahahahaha well they are rioting every week, and killing each other every day. but thats not enough to scare the powers that be because…….tptb still get paid, still get votes, etc. i dont fookin know. you think i know how the world really works? i cant even take care of myself so of course i beleive in ridiculous conspiracy theories!!!!!!!

heh yep MW is having jared taylor on his hangout tonight, we called it hahahaha. this is real interesting that he is debuting all these BIG people right NOW rather than during his “regular season” of conversation videos. it really is gonna boost MW to the next tier and i am happy for him.

i am glad to see good things happen to good people. for a fellow Late Bloomer to become a Winner. i think he’s been planning this to be something big. he never intended it to be Just 7 Hangouts. Even if he had just done that it would have been great. but i think he was planning 7 Daily Hangouts, with a number of Big Surprise Guests.

so this is pretty fun. i am not a jared taylor fanatic but he is a big guy and a decent guy. he’s just not my own personal favorite. so i am trying to predict who else he could have on. I am officially predicting: Aurini, because MW is a fan of him or used to be, and hes never been on before.

maybe another person from TRS. 7th son was already on, so maybe something more in depth with 7th son or mike enoch.

it would not be unreasonable for ramzpaul to get on there either.

maybe david fookin duke hahahaha.

so yeah i didnt go from 0 to 100. when she started gving me the silent treatment i went from 90 to 100. and completely snapped. and that was the end of my life as i know it hahaha.

so……the question becomes

  1. how do i stop from going from 90 to 100? BLURT IT OUT before it gets to damn 50.
  2. what do i do to safeguard against silent treatment? use the following quote: “I feel upset when you stop talking to me and avoiding me. I feel very hurt by this. I will not tolerate this boundary to be crossed repeatedly. Let’s talk about this issue and get it resolved within 72 hours.  Write me an email if you don’t want to talk.”

yeah i never had someone SO CLOSE to me give the silent treatment. well, someone that i FELT close to. i had one other person give me big silent treatment, acollege roomate, BUT, at the time that began, i didnt really like him, i wasnt FRIENDS with him, i didnt feel close to him, i didnt WANT to be friends with him.

i NEVER had someone who was my friend, who i wanted to be friends with, pull such a silent treatment on me. i was totally unprepared.

it didnt help that i was already at 90. but i think SHE was at 90 too. and when she got to 100 she pulled silent treatment. and that pushed ME to 100 and i just totally broke down at life.

so tldr; you will have safeguards in place next time, becuase you wont BE at 90 when she does silent treament, you’ll be closer to 0, and indeed if i had just written an email, then what else would i have had to say to her?

also instead of tyring to get her to talk, i should have said “i cant take this any more. we have to talk now becuase this is FOOKED.” cuz i was being nice to her and trying to have small talk with her like nothing was happening, and apologizing like a beta for being weird. oh god the cringe hahahaha.

https      ://forum.therightstuff.biz/topic/4272/beta-thread

3DRR2we

 

like this terrible beta who apologizes and THEN adds a spergy second tweets signaling to the bitchy girl that he had sat in the corner and thought about what he had done, and had Learned A Lesson on why what he did was So Wrong. Maybe he can spergily flog himself like napoleon dynamite GOD SO STUPID!!!! every time he apologizes for giving unsolicited advice.  but i can TOTALLY see how a guy gets this way. you think people ever are constantly apologizing to guys? and also, when guys get unsolicited advice, the person is usually being a huge dick to them, trying to belittle them.

well i guess the girl is mad because he is a THIRSTY BETA, BEGGING for pvssy. and she is butthurt all these THIRSTY guys are BEGGING for pvssy all the time, trying to be NICE to her.

well i say dont be such a huge BITCH about it, if you HALF as THIRSTY as this guy, youd be twice as CRAY as you are now!

also he’s not begging for PVSSY per se, he’s just merely begging for some kind of attention and friendliness from women. hes the type of supreme gentleman who doesnt even think about Pvssy until he’s in LUV with the bitch hahahaha.

anyway him apologizing, then publicly signaling the reason why what he did was so wrong, is both Omega AND Sperg/Autist.

and i was falling into that quicksand, constantly apologizing to her for BEING WEIRD.  and then saying shit like oh i know this is weird for you and i am sorry for encroaching on your personal space and pushing you and not respecting your feelings.

i should have never let it get so far. i was already past 50 at that point, worn down into a weakass omega.

i should have said hey we need to talk about something important, i am being weird because i dont like being blown off and avoided all the time, we need to talk now, this ends now.

and that wuld have fixed everything hahahaha.

well it would have taken me back to 0 and maybe i would have reacted better if she pulled silent treatment on me at that point. and then i would have to take a asimilar approach there: i dont like this silent treatment, we need to talk. done.

so yeah it makes perfect sense in hindsight. she treated me with such contempt because i was a huge OMEGA apologizing all the time. i knew it was a bad situation at the time, but….i was emotionally compromised! i was in a bad state!

also, not all women HAVE to be so mean to omegas!

and she could have hung out wiht me once in TEN MONTHS rather than CONSTANTLY BLOWING ME OFF AND AVOIDING ME.

oh i brought that on myself because i was OMEGA.

fook that she has some responsibility too. she could have hung out with me ONCE. she responded to my texts after all. she gave me MIXED SIGNALS! i thought she was open to talking!

whenever she responded to my texts, which she regularly did, it gave me HOPE that we WOULD hang out someday! we used to hang out! no problem! usually it was real easy! never more than 2 weeks passed between the first suggestion and the actual hangout! sometimes SHE even initiated the hangout!

i just think ill never get that close to a woman of such high quality again.

yeah a white trash mudshark with huge family issues. but she wasnt a slut, had a low number, and was shy, intoverted, and non slutty, and under 25, so she was therefore My Perfect Ideal Women, instant pedestal.

hahahahaha

i get it that women are as disgusted by betas/omegas as men are by sluts. but even i would treat a slut nicely even if i didnt respect them at all. i would appreciate if i were breaking a sluts heart when she had done nothing wrong to me.

oh but i did her wrong, by BEING omega TO her. this is equivalent to a slutty gurl ACTUALLY CUCKING the guy shes dating.

no i dont think so. orders of magnitude different.

in one you are playing fast and loose with A HUMAN LIFE, ie your bodys ability to create human life.

in another, you are just being a pathetic desperate begging omega. you only hurt yourself and offend the stupid bitch youre dealing with, who rolls her eyes at how pathetic youre being. no third party innocent lives ever enter the picture.

were there more male nurses and male secretaries and male medical assistants when Women Didnt Work? probably but they jsut called them assistants or apprentices and the job itself was viewed as more masculine and certainly didnt require more than a high school education.

like, did men do all the jobs that women NOW do? i mean i understand that HR and Women Makework jobs didnt exist, but you still needed Nurses and Secretaries.

well i mean come on. didnt they have a lot more male TEACHERS back in the day?

but yeah i hate that i was reduced to a begging supplicating omega for her. and that wasnt her fault per se. sure she could have just hung out with me or just talked to me or just stopped avoiding someone she used to be friends with. she could have reacted better but i could have reacted better too, like an alpha male who doesnt take shit.

still, me acting like an omega is like -1 pain on her, and her ABortioning me was a -20 of pain against me.

well i applied for the damn post office job. it only took like an hour of typing in bullshit hahahahaha. looking up your selective service number, thankfully they only wanted 7 years of employment history hahahaha and not all years. so i only had to put 2 jobs!

what was i gonna say. yeah i can see how being an omega is so offensive to women, because heres a weak man that wont protect me and muh chirren, but……they still pick deadbeat thugs anyway, tough “protectors” that abandon their children. and have secs with anyone. its sucks for a man to be omega but i dont think its as much of a shameful crime as being a slut. being a slut is simply more destructive, and to more people.

also i would still treat sluts as people unless they cucked me directly. this woman cant even write me an EMAIL.

1223

hehehe sinead mccarthy talking about mgtow

i should listen to the vidya and not just read the comments but there are good points in the comments.

i mean it cuts to the core of my self, as i used to be a huge mgtow but now i am moving over towards the racial stuff in my older age. and a lot of my mgtow stuff came from the fact that i was/am bitter, over failure and disappointment with women. which leads to blaming of the self and an inferiority complex (“im just not good enough to get a decent woman”) with some woman blaming as well (“50%-75% of modern women are promiscuous stupid crazy bipolar sociopath narcissist psychopath slut  high number 30+ guys babykilling coalburner mudshark single mom betrayer parasite hypergamous hamster sellout evil stupid crazy soulless monsters degenerates”)

dont get me wrong, i blame myself for being a weak loser omega as much as i blame women for being degenerate monsters hahahaha.

ie, i am such a weak man the only women i can pull are degenerate monsters, who in turn Reinforce my negative thoughts about women, and probably my self.

i guess the fact that i had a successful friendship with her for 2 years counts for something. well of COURSE it does. it means i CAN connect with a WOMAN on a meaningful level for a long term period. that is huge. it means there is hope for me yet. that i am not some total wizard autist who cannot talk to women at all.

also it is important for me to understand that i didnt deserve that kind of treatment. i was not perfect at all, i could have been more…..alpha and strong and manly and courageous and brave and bold and MASCULINE. but i wasnt abusing her, in fact i had relinquished all my power to her, and she understandably found that weird and uncomfortable, but in my defense i didnt know what i was doing, i was kinda acting out of fear, fight or flight, and sliding down a slippery slope, and my idea of “fighting” was just frantic flailing like a drowning man, total desperate grasping and flailing because i couldnt fathom the thought of Losing Her.

on the other hand, when you have to reject a person who obviously has feelings for you……..FOOKING DO IT NICELY PLEASE. dont SHAME them while you reject them. if you had the worlds worst abusive relationship for years, ok maybe, and maybe she was so annoyed that she felt i made her life a living hell.

well there is a world of difference between being ANNOYING and being ABUSED.

and also being ANNOYED and having your heart totally broken.

maybe i should make sinead my waifu hahahahaha who cares about the flat earth, she is pro white and attractive and is pro-white-children and probably recognizes that monogamy is best.

did she bang the black guy we see in the pictures? is she obligated to tell us? is it any of our business?

well……i dunno how obligated anyone is to do anything, but SINCE she is a pro-white activist, it would be a good bona fide for her to directly address the COAL BURNING rumors.

heck even if she just banged one black guy 50% of pro whites could probably get over it. i mean ive made mistakes too. were all human hahahahaha. we just want to know she isnt a liar, and that it isnt a long term pattern.

shit i mean the woman of muh dreams who i threw my llife away over banged a black guy. i should be calling her coal burner mud shark bla bla bla. but i honestly dont care because it was just one guy, and she hasnt BEEN with a lot of guys, under 5, and she probably will not go Back to Blacks after this one mistake.

yes i think its a good bona fide for a woman not necessarily to State Their Number, but if they’ve been with less than 5 guys, to be proud of and signal their non sluttiness. you dont need to tell me your number, but if you say its less than 5, shit i would be happy with that!!!!!!!!! all need to know. less than 5, shit. just glad its not over 30 hahahahaha.

nonsluts should be signaling their nonsluttiness as much as sluts are signaling their sluttiness.

say you have to call your car insurance company to see if they cover a “hit and run”of somebody hitting your car in a parking lot then driving off. and you cant understand your complicated policy, or cant find a copy of it. WHO YA GONNA CALL for answers, advice, and help? you call the fooking insurance company  OF COURSE. its their JOB to service your damn insurance policy, and therefore to understand it and know about it, right? you want to CALL them and TALK to someone who UNDERSTANDS better than you do. someone who gives you confidence that they know what they’re doing, know what they’re talking about, can make sense of your policy.

and theres the rub. the poor schmuck youre calling is a Fookin New Guy who makes no more than 15 DAH at absolute maximum, and he understands your policy even LESS than you do.

uhhhhh well reading the language in this policy makes me think….leads me to believe…..i THINK what its saying is bla bla bla….. yeah it kinda looks like it might cover this…… uhhhhhhhhhhhhh good question let me ask my level 2 insurance agent that question, i’ll be back in 5-10 minutes…….yes i told him that…..well what he said was, and maybe this makes more sense to you than it does to me hahahahaha…….nope you cant talk to him directly, he’s helping 20 other level 1 agents just like me……how do i know HE knows what hes talking about? jeez i dunno. i dont know what im talking about so thats why i went to him…….nope you cant talk to him, as i say, hes slammed with 20 questions right now. but he said your policy doesnt cover this, so sorry, youre gonna have to go ahead and pay $2000 to fix your own car. nope nothing we can do. nope you cant talk to a level 2. welp you can try to call back and hope you get a better level 1 than me, im just a fookin new guy who doesnt really understand shit sorry. nope you cant speak to my manager, but i will tell them you complained about me and our whole department. i promise i will pass that along.

its cringeworthy, and how do you think it feels to be the level 1 employee in that situaiton? GOD FOOKING AWFUL, I CAN ASSURE YOU. because you WANT to HELP, you want to do your JOB, you want to make people HAPPY, you dont want people getting mad at you because the insurance company is not gonna cover shit, OOPS GOTCHA you got the wrong insurance policy, HAHA GOTCHA! because its a hit and run and the other driver didnt give you his insurance info, nothing we can do, HAHA GOTCHA! although I could never say haha gotcha. i was like damn that sucks i cant believe my company is screwing you like this, but theirs nothing i can do and no one i can transfer you to.

that is why i am VERY hesitant about seeking jobs where dealing with Complex, Complicated, Confusing issues from Customers is a main part of the job.

yep in my 12dah opinion, this is what your insurance policy is saying. i guess maybe you could hire a lawyer for 300 dah to give you a more authoritative explanation? sorry were just the insurance company youre paying for your insurance policy, we dont really know about the policy.

being put regularly in situations where you dont know what you’re doing; you dont feel prepared or trained for this; YOU DONT KNOW WHAT TO TELL THEM. “what should I TELL them”?????

yeah i hate that because i dont like feeling like an idiot. “well ok maybe youre not an idiot outside of work….but at work….youre kind of an idiot. you dont know how to DO YOUR JOB.”

fook you phaggot.

simple, straightforward, yes or no customer questions are fine though. they are WELCOME!

but explain why this piece of shit is “WORKING AS INTENDED”? fook that. no i cant explain. because its not cost effective to fix it. ITS NOT A BUG, ITS A FEATURE. ITS WORKING AS INTENDED. yeah but its a piece of shit and clearly the intention SUCKS. fix the INTENTION. nope sorry too expensive cant do it. hhahahaha. so you learn to bullshit them with yep ill make an official suggestion and forward that to product development team, probably wll take at least 2 months to build it in tho, so sorry, im sorryabout that.

and then of course just close the case because We Dont Take Suggestions For Features hahahaha.

i am very ethical. i honestly want to help the customers and to make sure the company is doing the right thing for the customers. in my previous job i didnt really get very many scammers. and the shit was so CONFUSING you couldnt TELL whether somebody was trying to scam or not.

this confusion of not knowing what youre doing for 10 hours a day does not build your confidence. it eats away at your confidence.

so yeah i dont want to even apply for Customer Service for Insurance COmpanies, are you KIDDING?

its the insurance companies JOB to DENY CLAIMS. NOPE SORRY! GOTCHA! cant really explain why but thats what my superior, who you cant talk to, said! my best understanding of his explanation is bla bla bla…..yes i explained what you said, to him…..but you dont trust me because i am clearly not good at explaining or understanding things. ok. let me read you exactly what i typed to him. ok lets you and me craft the perfect sentence, and i will read it back to you word for word, well wait 5 minutes for a response, and i will read back what he said word for word, and together we will try to decipher it, using this indecipherable insurance policy as our guide. this is what your insurance company pays me 13DAH for hahahaha

when really they should be paying 20 DAH for how ridic that job is, but then your insurance would cost even more. and the agent wouldnt necessarily know more, they would just be better compensated for facing the firing squad all day erry day.

an angry customer just wanting an explanation and you are not able to give it to them because YOU dont understand. so you literally have to force yourself to understand as quickly as possible, then explain THAT convincingly as to why you can’t help the customer in this situation.

but muh baby is dying of cancer, what do you mean you cant pay for any of his treatment?

well uhhhh it kinda looks like you went to this one doctors appointment 3 days after the cutoff period, so uhhhh technically the cancer is then a preexisting condition. i think. the policy is confusing innit hahahah so sorry about your kid/mother dying, nothing we can do hahahahahaha

yeah that kind of shit i cant handle. i would go back to stupid technical support before i went into INSURANCE. there you are saying no to people even more. i dunno its hard for me to say no especially when its impossible to understand the companys policies.

when i was young and rebellious i made bad choices. i attached my rebellion to degenerate and nihilistic things: alcohol, MJ, pornography, unfocused hatred and anger against the normies, self pity, feeling like a victim, atheism, anti-religion, leftism, marxism, sjw, and still i didnt really like women!

but it would have been nice to attach to a positive movement like pro white or reaction or far right hahahaha back when i was an EDGY teen hahaha.

well i was nihilistic and degenerate until like age 27 anyway. it took me TOO long to realize how risky mgtow was, it played on all my insecurities with wimminz.

of course wimminz were always a huge issue for me, always on my mind. but i mean reactionaries have a more positive view of women than mgtows do. and the fact is, i NEED women. i dont want to live WITHOUT women. i will ALWAYS WANT women, or be into the idea of a Special Woman to be Wife and mother of children, inparticular.

and even when i have NO women in my life and am essentially living a mgtow life…..im still thinking about women ALL THE TIME.

anyway. note to women. when you have to reject a guy who likes you…….do it nicely. even if he ANNOYS you. is he being blatantly mean to you? or just a big weak coward omega?

just very ridiculous that one of the most important women in my life could just….do something so monstrous. its dissonant. incongruent. its not right that she should be remembered in this way. a decent person who did a horrible hurtful thing.

well its not as bad as CHEATING right? no probably not. and dont plenty of people cheat, and break the heart of their lover, who thought they were a great person? such a decent person! I cant beleive they cheated on me!

what if i met an asian gurl who loved me and was very nice; AND i met a white gurl who had tons of baggage, high number, crazy, but she loved me and was willing to have children with me. both women love me and want to have children with me. one is an asian gurl with very few red flags, and the other is a white gurl with a decent number of red flags. which one do you choose? i would WANT to choose the white gurl becuase i prefer white gurls and i want white children.

ideally you say you choose neither, you find a better white woman.

but what if youre getting old and you severely doubt you’ll find a better white woman, and this is the best white woman you can get?

well i would say, if you’re 50 years old and havent had a child yet, go ahead and knock up the trashy crazy white woman. this is assuming she actually loves you and would be loyal to you. which i guess is a tall order in itself!

basically i worry i wont find a better quality white woman than this one. and i guess on paper, tehnically, That Woman was a step down in quality from the previous woman, who had been with EVEN LESS guys, and had a better family life, good relationship with father, normie as hell, mature communicator.

when i first met That Woman, possibly a part of why i didnt immed fall in luv with her, was because i felt she was a STEP DOWN from the previous woman.

hehehe but eventually i fell in luv with her anyway. cuz she didnt fail the absolutely worst dealbreakers: being a huge slut, or being blatantly insane crazy. plus she was nice as hell to me! that certainly helped win me over. its nice when women are nice to and WANT to HANG OUT with you. then it SUCKS when they start avoiding you and ignoring you hahahaha.

it was the porno for so many years, combined with the lack of contact with women for so many years. i didnt realize how degenerate porno was. i was happy to rebel against religion! but i couldnt see that porno was still degenrate and immoral regardless of religion. also i couldnt possibly view religion as a possibly good thing. i was an edgy atheist.

like i say, i think this edgy atheist nihilism degeneracy might be characteristic of OLDER millennials, while the YOUNGER millennials are actually on a good righteous moral Fashy Path. they are Getting it. they are seeing the example of slightly older failures like me and learning from them. good for the young kids, bad for the old failure virgin neets like us hahahahaha.

i was never dumped/rejected because i did something horribly wrong, like couldnt stop cheating, couldnt stop drinking, because i hurt the person who loved me too much. i was always dumped because they lost interest in me, didnt HAVE interest in me, beause i was too weak, too beta, too needy, too inferior. this definitely sets you up for an inferiority complex!

so then you think eveyrthing you do is needy. you think you are always needy or weak even if youre really not.

for example texting someone 100 times a day is need. texting them less than 5 times a day, probably not. especially if you are taking days off of texting altogether.

wanting to hang out with somebody every day is needy. wanting to hang out with somebody once every few weeks is NOT needy.

also, plain old FEELINGS can be misinterpreted as NEEDINESS by the other person, ESPECIALLY if they dont share the feelings.

well, i PROMISE you, that when THEY had feelings like YOU do, for whoever, that THEY were JUST AS “needy”.

remind them to put the shoe on the other foot. walk a mile in your shoes. really truly actually literally empathize. tell them that. tell them, well, when YOU really liked somebody, how did YOU act? before you accuse me, take a look at yourself, you fookin hypocrite hahahahahahaha.

and then MW had RamZPaul come on RIGHT AFTER jared taylor. hehehe this is almost too much. he could have gotten a full day out of ramzpaul. shit i hope ramz comes back! ramz is really good but his videos are too SHORT and too silly! but i think he is gradually becoming more serious. and its always good to have a LONGER discussion with him. so yeah ramz is getting there.

also jared taylor for only 45 minutes hahahaha. is this REALLY IMPOSING on him SO much hahahaha. is he doing MW such a BIG favor? i mean he is a natural. he clearly LIKES talking to people. and taylor speaking eloquently probably comes EASY to him. this is what he’s GOOD at. its not like me going to my stupid job for 11 hours a day, where it took every ounce of life out of me.

its not needy or controlling or abusive to want the person to not date other people! ask them, look, listen, come on, when YOU really liked someone, did YOU want them fooking other people? HELL NO!!!!!!!

my problem was, ALWAYS was, i got too strong feelings too soon. like if i were making out or having secs with a cute young girl, i would start to get feelings hahahaha.

also i think its NORMAL AND NATURAL to start getting feelings once you start getting physical with a cute young woman!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

or even if you dont get physical with them, if you are in proximity with them for a while and start becoming friendly with them. like what happened with Previous Woman. though i still got feelings for her too quick. i had feelings for her before i even first officially hung out with her.

but with That Woman, i hung out with her and actually became friends with her before getting feelings. and this was totally new to me.

so, it was kewl i didnt get feelings for her TOO FAST…..although i still kinda did. when it finally happened, it was 0 to 100. and then i couldnt put the genie back in the bottle.

the real lesson to learn is, how to MATCH/MIRROR your feelings with that the woman has for YOU. in other words, i shouldnt have gotten feelings because she clearly didnt have any for me.

well, at the time, i wasnt so sure on that! there was a time when she was SO nice to me, that i couldnt help but think she might have feelings for me! oh those were the days hahahaha

yep that was a long time ago. once i started getting WEIRD, she stopped being so NICE.

which caused me to be WEIRDER, which caused her to be less and less NICE. when finally she dumped me with no niceness whatsoever.

not really what i needed at this point in my life. what i REALLY needed was to have a nice GF and actually go out with a nice gurl longterm and monog for damn once finally! and i thought i found a great person for that.

but instead it ended in a very bad way. what is the LORD trying to teach me here. is he trying to show me whos the boss? bbbbbut i swear i wanted to have a loving christian one man one woman procreative traditional rel with her! wife her up and make some babies! no joke! i have been a degenerate in the past but why would G-d STILL be PUNISHING me for that? is that just the kind of g-d he is?

this is a holdover from my edgy youth, when i thought of the “scumbag god” who wants to deprive you from all your earthly PLEASURE. which then I supported hedonism and degeneracy and now i understand that god is RIGHT to reject that shit. now my mind is in a much more godly place, i want nondegenerate, traditional, man wife children rels with women, and still failing.

WELL. to be fair. even when i was a degenerate, i had nondegenerate feelings towards the women. i wanted to have more or less traditional, monog, loving, loyal rels with them, even when i was a degen 21 year old. i still wanted to Go Out with them. it wasnt all about degen fooking. it was about having a serious rel.

so yeah in other words i had something good and nondegen and righteous in me right from the beginning.

shit as soon as i became interested in gurls at age 12, i was a huge White Knight, wanted to have a Loving Loyal Rel with a Decent Woman. a real Partnership. With Mutual Luv. no controlling or manipulation. just 2 people luving each other and staying together for a long time.

it might be disney white knight stuff, BUT i also think its good and traditional and nondegen. and i had it from Pre Puberty. so thats a GOOD thing is what im saying, for me not being a degen or nihilist at heart.

anyway. yeah i could have told her sooner. but she could have been nicer to me.

i know women hate omegas and weakness……but she still could have been nicer to me.

i could have acted better…..but just because i messed up didnt mean i deserved to be treated THAT badly.

i made a mistake, but it was not such a hurtful mistake that i deserved to be punished like THAT.

I would never do that to somebody if the roles were reversed.

and i will never understand why she couldnt. even with the  Occams Answers of: Easy Way Out, bad father, chaotic family life, trust issues, possible mother issues.

maybe if i had all those i would do this to somebody hahahaha.

and so i just have to accept that this is it. this is all the closure im gonna get.

shit. if i could ask her WHY? WHYD YOU DO THIS TO ME? even she probably wouldnt be able to answer. she doesnt even know why she did this. again, a combination of the occam answers is most liekly.

or, she would give a bitchy answer like YOU MADE ME DO THIS. which i dont think is right, and which i DEFINITELY dont need to hear.

i really want to know the Dynamic of her major boifran. when i first met her she was very hush hush about him. but she wasnt hush hush about other things. so why him. well because things were on the outs probably. by the time i met her, 1.25 years later, they were done, and i think that last year was just all pretty bad. ok fine. so how was it in the first half? i think he was probably still really stubborn but he also drank a lot hahaha. then he stopped drinking. he probably had his own badboi issues right from the very beginning. but he was not a cheater. well i dont know though. i dont think he was. i met him and he was a good guy, just very stubborn and not a great fit for her, and she def loved him more. honestly i think he was just a full AUTIST and didnt know how to relship hahahaha. thats all. he was a stubborn autist. but a decent guy. but not a great guy for her. he didnt luv her enough. i luved her more than he did hahahaha. but he was such a stubborn autist he prob got comfortable in the rel and had no desire to go out and cheat. he was prob ok just getting drunk and having her being nice and loving to him and doing all the work hahahaha. i cant overstate, how nice it is when women turn on that nice womanly charm and are all nice and warm and loving and supportive to you. i dont get it very often hahahaha. but its VERY nice to get. very addictive.

say i met a nice white gurl like sinead mccarthy hahahaha. but she has big red flags too. flat earth? her troubled youth which i dont know too much about but that it was kinda troubled? i should just listen to that damn interview where she talks about it. perhaps a psych ward, perhaps oppositional defiant disorder. point is, she could be certifiably crazy. and youre not supposed to TRUST crazy.

but were all crazy in a way arent we?

yeah but women are more likely than men to go to shrinks and get diagnosed. usually as BIPOLAR. the even more crazy ones graduate to BORDERLINE.

but shrinks are bullshit right? meds are bullshit.

nonetheless i still think a “bullshit” diagnosis of BIPOLAR and especially BORDERLINE is a red flag.

if that woman went to a shrink, what would they diagnose her as?

basically im saying, couldnt JUST ABOUT EVERY WOMAN get diagnosed as bipolar at least, IF they went to a shrink?

anyway. the job frustration always boils down to, youve gotta give somebody bad news aka you cant help them, you cant do anything for them, because…..some stupid reason that doesnt make sense which you cant even explain to them because it doesnt make sense to you.

there are no articles on the internet on how to deal with this.

what i would do is go home after a long day and then STUDY the shit i didnt understand, until i sorta understood it better. because noone was gonna understand it FOR me.

https     ://forum.therightstuff.biz/topic/4376/is-it-possible-to-leave-autism/4

TRS is good people, right up there with millennial woes for me. they are certainly friendly towards each other.

shit 7th son is gonna be on again tonight. good man.

and red ice again AND wife with a purpose too! i do like her. not sure if she is as crazy as my other waifu sinead mccarthy. although sinead might be hotter hahahahaha. wwap has a weird face but she is not ugly ugly and she has FIVE fooking white children whom she homeschools. FIVE kids. some sinead haters seem to think she is a bandwagon jumper. i dunno. i mean sinead is still in a probationary period for me. ive listened to more wwap and wwap might be getting out of probation pretty soon, she seems to check out.  very glad to see her on MW and hope they will have one on one talks in the new year.

but its great seeing MW transform himself, stepping up to the big leagues before our very eyes. to go from being a 30 year old neet to being a man who is finally getting the respect, recognition, and luv he deserves.

like us he used to be kind of a loser but he overcame. and we are witnessing his big rise to glory right now. it is amazing. he deserves it. i just hope he makes the hangouts more regular, and has these guests on again. TRS, WWAP, greg johnson, it is just glorious. i am thankful.

http://www.seemypersonality.com/Personality-Report?x=sPIx4x4949511-4120689xs4hj2x4

http://www.seemypersonality.com/Personality-Report?x=MAQx4x4949511-316468xs4hj2x1

hehehehe my personality and relationship reports

i should try to eat less than 1700 calories a day

shit as we speak MW is doing the Female Edition with WWAP and lana from red ice ie henriks wife.  not bad. someone in the chat said they had invited sinead aka shiksa goddess but she either said no or didnt respond hahahaha.

good god, now ROOSH is in the chat room, this is just ridiculous hahaha. this is the biggest thing i have ever been a part of hahahaha.

anyway the other epiphany i had today was:

IF SHE HAS SECS VERY EASILY, SHE WILL DUMP YOUR ASS AND BREAK YOUR HEART VERY EASILY. She will treat hearts with no more care than c0x. and both should be treated very carefully.

But yeah if she thinks nothing of taking cox, you think she’s gonna care about breaking your heart? so dont fall in luv with sluts. easier said than done though, cuz its POWERFUL when qt young girls show enough interest in you to have secs with you……….and then the interest is gone, becuase they show this interest to EVERY guy, briefly.

so i was glad to find a woman that wasnt Like That.

DONT BOTTLE IT UP, BLURT IT OUT / THATLL DO, YA PIG

1011

it has been like 87 or so days, surviving barely. starting t get over it. might be 25% over it by now. therefore, 360 days to be 100% not bad! i have been predicting anywhere from 11 months to 1 year to 20 months. i will take 1 year! thats not too bad for a Complete and Total Heartbreak! I was In True Luv and got my heart ripped out and slaughtered!!!!!

so yeah. she was exhibiting many of dr gottmans “four horsemen of the apocalypse”, which are stonewalling, contempt, criticism, and….defensiveness

http://www.gottmanblog.com/four-horsemen/2014/10/29/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes

anyway perhaps defensiveness is a prelude to stonewalling. make the other person the bad guy by just shutting down so them even wanting to talk to you seems like an invasive act of aggression. dont violate me bad man. i dont have to talk!

no you really dont, but it would be really NICE.

these women of today hahahaha. they never want to work things out, they never want to try, they just want to QUIT. that feels bad man, when a woman would rather QUIT on you than work on shit, because they know they’re Just Not Into You At All. theres nothing to fix. just walk away.

well in my case i was always dumped essentially because there was no real feelings.

also its stupid that you have to bang a woman FAST or youll never get to bang her at all, otherwise she will put you in the friendzone hahahaha. what if you dont like women who move fast, because you rightfully think they are Sluts? Decent Women dont give it up Fast. they understand they can get preggers. even if they are on the whorepill hahahahahaha. they forget to take the pill one day, go out have have secs that night with some random guy or one of the fuccboiz, and boom a wild babby appears hahahahaha better go get it taken care of.

do i REALLY KNOW any women like this though?

just like i have the fantasy Perfect Angel women, i have the fantasy Horrible Whore woman, this evil Semen Demon that is the Imaginary Worst Woman Ever. but its not a real person, its imaginary, and then i assume all women are like that, just because she wears too much makeup, or she dresses like a slut hahahaha.

so i look for women who dont wear a lot of makeup and who dont dress ike sluts hahaha.

anyway i had most of the Four Horsemen in muh rel with the woman. except for criticism really because she just didnt talk to me enough.

well what did i learn. always communicate with the woman early. learn how to say WE NEED TO TALK. write them an email or text if she is not talking and you HAVE to say something. think from the very beginning, could you ever bang this girl? date this gurl? even if you are “respectful” of her rel with her boifran. force yourself to forget about the boifran and just meditate on you and her. is there anything there? tell the woman the INSTANT you think there is. constantly talk openly about her rel with the bf and your rel with her. shit try to bang her as soon as possible, becuase if it doesnt happen SOON, it will NEVER happen, and what if you wanted to date her 2 years in the future and she wont give you a chance because you didnt bang her when you first met her and didnt trust her or know her hahahahahahahaha. because that the best time for a woman to play Russian Roullette with Human Life. with guys she barely knows or trusts. see how the LEFT has degraded our women? in addition to promoting this kind of “IF IT FEELS GOOD, DO IT” and “Consent is the only thing that matters” view of sex for women, the LEFT also DESTROYS the nuclear family by removing fathers, who are crucial in raising well raised children. otherwise you children raised by Slut Single Mothers, and the children turn out to be Sluts, Bitches, Psychos, Deadbeats, Losers, Degenerates, Thugs, Sissies, Neckbeards, Failures.

anyway I DESERVED TO BE TREATED BETTER. I WAS WRONGED. I WAS SCREWED OVER.

well i think about woman3/2005. the closest to a dating rel i ever had. she dumped me but i dont think i realized It Was Over, becuase i continued to talk to her on the phone. but i didnt really hang out with her as much. well, i saw her and we talked and i helped her with moving and shit, but we never hung out one on one at night, where we could Make Out or even more. because she had dumped me you see. but i think i was thinking, well we can still make out and shit, i just have to be ok that she might do this with other guys too. i convinced myself that i didnt care. and because she was superficially nice to me still, i thought There Was A CHance.

so what happened. after a few months of this ambivalence, i began getting more angry and frustrated. i would see her and get mad and jealous. cuz i would see her hanging out with her ex boifran. that made me get mad. then i was just angry and passive aggressive at her a lot. then somewhere in there i managed to make out with her a little more. for about a week i was very hopeful we’d “get back together.” but really i had just worn her down with my abusive manipulation and she had no choice hahahahahahahahahaha.

but then i was mad again when we stopped making out, and i still saw her, and the “Ex” boifran, and was constantly angry at her, she was my “nemesis,” etc.

this is why its good to say ITS OVER, 100% and then to STOP talking and hanging out and seeing each other. so the Dumped/Dumpee knows that its REALLY over.

thats why i got so damn mad at her. but i forgave her eventually. took at least a year or even two for me to understand and forgive though hahahaha.

but yeah thats what happens when you get dumped and then you have to deal with the dumper on a regular basis afterwards. it is hard as fook and you get angry and stupid. and you are still desperate to try to get them back. horrible way to be. and you look like the bad guy because you are so angry and hateful and you look like a damn abuser. at that time i was getting horribly drunk and wrecking muh future.

she was too scared just to tell me “ITS OVER”. and i hated her and thought she was the worst person in the world, horrible slut, etc. now i think she was way less horrible than woman2015. she actually had at least 2 talks with me, the second time to say yeah i didnt think you liked me so much and this was hurting you so much, essentially apologizing or at least giving a shred of sympathy, like im sorry youre hurting so much, i didnt realize you had such deep feelz. so that was kinda kewl. but then i continued to be a bitch and was really not the better person. it was like i wanted to punish her for ever toying with me. but i was clearly stuck in the past and she had clearly moved on. looking at it now i am really embarrassed. i know i got drunk and did some stupid shit. not abusive but just showed it was still butthurt. the alcohol did not help. and i was drinking too much.

anyway thank god i am not doing that now. but anyway i prob had stronger feelings for woman2015 than woman2005 (aka woman3) ! and i KNOW that having WORK around her after she had rejected me was a recipe for disaster. i would have been a mix of anger at her, and desperately trying to “win her back” in a pathetic, angry way, like i can live without uuuuuuu hahahaha. also the job made me anxious enough. constant anxiety. and she gave me constant anxiety.

alot of that is on me because not everything in the world should give me such bad anxiety. but believe me this job would give even an average normie SOME anxiety, and same with the woman situation.

i guess the good news is……..oh yeah. i cant exist in any sort of friendzone. or as a “beta orbiter.” as soon as i get feelings for a gurl, i have to not Bottle It Up, and declare my feelings, and make the woman respond to it somehow. usually (aka always hahahaha) rejecting the feelings and our “friendship” ending. well because i am honest and essentially say i dont wanna be Just Friends any more, i want to be More THan Friends. then they say no and i say ok then IM done. this one jsut had that happen in the worst messiest stupidest way.

but there is no friendzone and etneral orbiter for ME!

DONT BOTTLE IT UP, BLURT IT OUT!

also ask yourself, is my female platonic friend attractive at all? how would i feel about fooking her? honestly. think abotu it for a couple weeks. what if she were single and available? basically….damn i hate to say force yourself to get feelings early! but maybe force yourself to get Secsual attraction early? this one is hard to describe.

all this assumes that you have met a decent woman who you get along with very well and now she is your friend and you were like wow that was easy, we really get along well, she is a really great person, too bad im not attracted to her, i hope she figures out stuff with her boifran.

then ask yourself: WHY are you not attracted to her? because of VALID reasons liek she’s fat or ugly or old or has kids? or for stupid ass autistic stupid INVALID reasons like “idk it feels weird” or she has a weird chin or a weird shaped head, but otherwise she is not ugly at all and is young, childless, nice skin, nice hair, etc.

what about STUMPY. or she has a very weird shaped Ass. well, i honestly dont like stumpy. weird shaped ass i can deal with a lot better than stumpy. woman2015 was the antithesis of stumpy, long arms and legs and that is kind my TYPE. her “weird shaped ass” was actually very NICE, but it was hard to tell what it looked like because she didnt wear SKIN TIGHT SLUT CLOTHES like most young women.

anyway. it sucks being so anxious at your job, getting your mind melted like taking a tuff exam all day every day, and THEN when you get home youre EXHAUSTED, but not TIRED, because your mind is RACING with half-thoughts and random weird shit popping in and out. you say this is fooking STUPID, and you are worried about the next day and the weird shit you’ll get then, so it actually relieves some anxiety to go to your work website and read cases, read knowledge base, read documentation, study the “textbook” and the “problems” so to speak. so you do that for 1-2 hours, perhaps while writing/journaling to Blow Off Steam, about how ridiculous the shit is, but you’ve got so much steam and so many racing thoughts that how the hell are you gonna relax and get to sleep?

smoking fooktons of MJ as soon as you get home is ideal, cuz then in a few hours you will relax and be able to sleep. but this isnt always doable. in fact only a minority of the time. because you dont know anyone who can get you MJ, or youre not gainfully employed enough to justify partaking MJ, or you dont have the privacy, etc.

its pretty likely that drinking a shit ton would help numb/clear your mind, but you would have to have at LEAST 5 drinks, at LEAST, and its hard to have 5 drinks without that turning into 8 or 10 or 12, and there is no way you could do the work with a HANGOVER the next day!

or that horrible feel when you wake up in the morning after shitty nonrestful manic sleep, and you think oh shit i couldnt have got more than 2 hours of sleep, i have no idea how i am gonna MAKE IT through today! but somehoe you do and by then youve been racking your brain again all day so you think well i could TRY going to bed right upon arriving home, neglect muh family, OR i could realize that i will lay there in bed with my mind racing abotu work ANYWAY, so i MIGHT AS WELL read the cases, read the knowledge base, try to KNOW EVERYTHING and be prepared for ANYTHING and STUDY MOAR. study for  1.5-2 hours until youve said IVE HAD ENOUGH!!!  and then i guess the idea then would be to either smoke MJ, get raging drunk, or go for a Huge JOG (no time for walk jog) until you are completely physically exhausted. 5 mile jog at least, i dunno. that would probably help.

i actually didnt hate the studying, it was easier for me to concentrate and retain information when i wasnt On A Call, Furiously Flailing to figure something out while the caller was on Hold and i was surrounded by Lost Souls doing the same thing. but to sit quietly at home, reading the shit, listening to some soothing music, no phones ringing, no people on hold, no case that needs to be solved right now, just trying to learn shit and put peices together, big picture and micro picture. sometimes with a nice MJ buzz going if i could get away with it. maybe exchanging some friendly nice texts with female friend and just gushing with feels especially when she gave me a 🙂 or especially the text heart ❤ which she did not give away like a whore spreading her cvnt, but once in a while, when i really touched her feels hahahaha. and then i would send a ❤ back and feel like we were Sharing True Love hahahahaha. i had a real hardon for those stupid hearts hahahaha.

well at that time i would get out 3 or 4 hours earlier than her and go home and study and she would still be there when it was a little bit slower, and i would text her while she was there and try to give her “moral support” which she was cutting off her moral support to me.  well not entirely. in fact i thought everything was consistent with the family stress she had, i thought that fully explained her distance, plus she still responded to my texts, she still used smileys and sometimes even the long sought after heart, so…..mixed messages galore hahahaha. it was weird. you could text me but you couldnt talk to me, and damn sure couldnt hang out with me.

now i can see the obvious answer is to TEXT HER “hey btw i think im starting to get feelings for u” and BOOM DONE.  but when you are under that much STRESS, you CANNOT THINK STRAIGHT. you lose your JUDGMENT. your ability to BE LOGICAL. i HATE that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

your Cognitions are Emotionally COmpromised!

and this is a VERY difficult mindset with which to do a demanding, fast-paced, high stress, rock and a hard place, constant confusion, super overwhelming JOB.

i still have that unclear mind. still cant think quite straight. still very angry and disappointed and damn.

but yeah. women these days. they have such little respect for their men they would just rather WALK AWAY. like the “deadbeat dad” they might have had. just walk away from your responsibility because you dont want to make the effort to fix it. because youve convinced yourself it can’t be fixed, or you dont care if its fixed, you dont want it to be fixed, you just want to  be done with them. STUPID SHIT.

i still want her to “wake up” and damn email me. ya damn n199er hahahaha. i like this “the right stuff.biz” because they have FUN and have a sense of humor and are just a bunch of friendly young men instead of a bunch of bitter angry failure loser basement dweller men hahahaha. they have wives and gurlfrans and are successful normies, just the kind of people we need in the Movement. Racially Aware, Traditionalist, Far Right. No Enemies on the Right.

they had this podcast on soundcloud called “saturday night l’chaim” where the opening “skit” was a black slave escaping from his evil white “massa” who was whipping the slave and calling him a “damn n199er” as the slave begged for mercy saying “no mo massa, no mo!” this is my kind of humor and even reminded me of a short story i once wrote (2006?) only there it wasn’t slaves escaping the massa, it was Wage Slaves Working For A Living and lamenting how pathetic and sad their lives were, working 100 hours a week, making 1 cent an hour, having fat ugly cheating wives, being a lonely bachelor who hasnt been with a woman in 10 years, having to take care of dying relatives after coming home from a 20 hour shift, with no time for a 5 minute Smoke Break before the Boss Massa comes around looking to give them a whipping. i was on a job search and not having much success hahahaha.

i dunno. i think it is actually helpful to say YEP I WAS WRONGED. I WAS DONE WRONG. THAT WAS NOT FAIR TO ME. because thats a way of REjecting the False Belief of: I Was Entirely To Blame. This Is All My Fault. I MADE her Do this. Im the Bad guy.

because it recognizes that i am not the bad guy, and that she did have some damn agency and responsibility and could have treated me better! damn right!!!!!

heh. i would LUV to have a female fook buddy right now, it would totally help get my mind off her, make me feel liek a virile desirable masculine man. and its a lot easier for women to find fook buddies than men, for reasons that should NEVER have to be explained to ANYBODY. but i think this allows women to get over Breakups easier, cuz they are out slutting it up with casual secs with their fook buddies, and this helps them “Get their groove back.” average beta men do not have this luxury, so they wither away in the dead world of No Confidence and Self Pity.

come early and stay late at your job and suck off people who are on YOUR LEVEL to give you training on how to do your incredibly, mind bogglingly complicated confusing job. be like thank you massa, please massa, i will buy you lunch and dinner and starbucks and tim hortonz for training me with this wisdom. and they might say no you dont need to do that, just stop supplicating like a damn beggar hahahaha.

the other thought i had was to have a stash of quarters and then whenever someone gives you advice or answers a question, give them a quarter. kinda like people who offer you a quarter for a cigarette. well 2 quarters would be better for a cig hahahaha. or give the people who help you a cig.

or krispy kreme donuts. every week bring in at least 1 box of krispy kreme donuts, put them in the kitchen or wherever, and leave a big note saying “have a great day everyone! from [YOUR NAME]”

basically just BRIBING people SHAMELESSLY to NOT treat you like a piece of shit.

this is what you have to do to make it in the world.

note: that will not work with women, because they will RIGHTLY see you as a Supplicating Beta.

So i guess you could try the Alpha Approach at WORK, as well as with Women. not sure how to do that at all hahahaha. i usually try to throw in some kind of signal to “prove i’m not stupid” ie i’ve tried this and it didnt work, and i THINK the answer is related to xyz, but im just not familiar enough with this system to know, is there any advice to point me in the right direction so i can save some time, therefore saving the company money and making our Clients Happy? thank you in advance and help yourself to a donut in the break room.”

and buy 10 boxes of donuts a day. hahahaha.

no really you can build a lot of goodwill with a box of donuts or a $5 pizza. people LOVE FREE FOOD. or coffee.

so yeah bring in free food until everybody likes you. and if they think youre a SUCK UP or a KISS ASS, SO WHAT. better to be a KISS ASS and liked by the higher ups, cuz then they will be less of bitches to you than the people who dont kiss ass. you kiss ass so you can get preferential treatment for yourself.

but maybe what people dont like is when you are OBVIOUSLY kissing ass and dont REALLY like anyone. and sometimes i was a little OBVIOUS about my ass kissing.  well because i was scared and anxious too. desperate to people please. shit.

ok got in another 4.2 miler.  listening to the damn matt forney podcast, not bad. he talks too fast but hes pretty funny and his topics are always good. i am still trying to connect him to the ferdinand bardamu from years ago. (yes i realize what the reference is to). i figured ferdinand would be a little older than me, but it turns out forney is a little younger than me, so naturally that doesnt make me feel good, this “young” man doing more with his life. but he is a good writer, a good talker, and deserves to make a living off what he does. being a writer and talker and personality. plus i like that he does a lot of interviews and sees the big picture.

in a way i have been “around” the “manosphere” since 2008, 2007ish, before there was a big picture. i was drawn to Game and Truth About Women blogs because i was insecure about rejected and dumped all the time hahahah. how could i make women be actually attracted to me and stop damn dumping me. have them see me as somebody they wanted to be with. keep a damn woman around for more than a few months hahahaha. so yeah the reason was because i was a needy beta obviously.

but i could make friends with women!

well, so can millions of beta orbiters. really i am just graduating from v9k to r9k with that one. graduated from kissless virgin to friendzoned beta orbiter and can occasionally get short term secs with crazy sluts. fatherless, bipolar, borderline, single mothers, tattoos, piercings, waitresses, postwall, high mileage. not the type of woman you want to marry or even date. although if they are crazy, young, no kids, no tattoos, middle class, then the crazy wont be enough to scare you away hahahaha. i ran into that problem. but i dont think at this age, with my lack of potential, i’ll run into it again! that if i manage to pull some crazy gurls, they will have a few other significant strikes against them, see above.

matt forney spoke in a podcast about hate mail he got for an article he wrote about “5 reasons women with tattoos or piercings are Broken Women” which was one of his most hated articles, hahaha. anyway he got a shitload of hate mail from pro-tattoo women who called him a small dicked basement dwellling neckbeard loser woman hater who obviously was butthurt abotu being dumped by a gurl with tattoos.

and then i thought…..SO WHAT? so what if he was dumped by a crazy gurl with tattoos? doesnt he have the right to be angry about that?

well sure he does!

does he have the right to write about it?

probably yes. maybe make the person anonymous and say he’s writing about one particular person and that Not All Tattooed Women Are Like That.

but thats the thing about Not all women are like that, is that this is the exception not the rule! most women ARE like that! or they can be easily swayed into becoming liek That! of course most tattooed women are like that!

so muh female friend was not a slut, but she was an Abandoner and a coward and even more Emotionally Retarded than I am!!!! which is saying a lot. cuz i let my negative emotions get out of control and allow them to Derail muh whole life. but i know how to have Empathy and Sympathy for others.

but its hard to have absolute empathy. possibly she has no idea how MUCH i was hurt, so she doesnt feel that bad, if at all. heh. well if i didnt feel HORRIBLE, i wouldnt have quit muh damn job. but i wanted to quit muh job ANYWAY hahahaha.

also its a LOT EASIER to just Throw Someone Away like garbage when you dont have Luving Feelings for them.

its a lot easier to throw away a friend rather than a lover.

and i wasnt much of a friend anymore in her book. she was already detaching from me for a long time. the “friendship” was on its last leg. plus she didnt really like me any more, she was annoyed thoroughly at me.

so….thats why it was so EASY for her to throw me away, and why she didnt feel too bad/guilty about it. she didnt even LIKE me. she was annoyed and angry and contemptuous about me. she just wanted to WASH HER HANDS of me.

but i was in LOVE with her, so being thrown away HURT 90000000000000 times more!

for her it wasnt even like “throwing away”, it was kinda like cringingly scooping up a dead disgusting centipede off the floor and flushing it down the toilet.

well, in other words, she didnt think she was “throwing me away.” it was more like sweeping away dead skin or dust or hairballs off the floor, rather than Selling Out A Special Person.

She was special to ME, I was not special to her. so its not a big deal for her to turn her back on me. but since i was in LOVE with her, it was ABSOLUTELY DEVASTATING to me!!!!!!!

it all makes perfect sense now hahahaha.

but yeah it was shocking becuase i thought i was just a little bit more special to her than THAT. I thought she still had SOME regard for me. some respect for what we once had. maybe she did, but she sure didnt act like it, and she’ll never talk to me about it, so i will never know.

but yeah. if it would have been too hurtful to HER to throw me away, she simply wouldnt have done it! it would have been less painful to talk to me! but as it was, it was more painful to talk to me than to “throw me away.”

i call it throwing me away. she called it something that she just had to do because she couldnt handle me anymore.

well you can see how that makes me feel like a million bucks. people just cant take me anymore so they cut off all contact forever. great. really makes me feel good about myself hahahaha.

so yeah she knew i was kinda Sensitive and this would hurt me! so just talk to me!

but that was too hard. easy way out remember? ive done it myself. i kinda did it by quitting the job.

not that this is easy! but it is probably easier than staying at that shit job, and seeing her for 8 or even 4 hours a day.

i am just a little butthurt though because the job was finally starting to become slightly less shit. because i was off of inbound phones thank god, and i was starting to earn respect from the faggot higherups because i actually knew the super confusing shit that i fought so hard to understand. with no help from the level 2’s. WELL except 1 or two of them who were not dicks to me. that was part of the Company Culture. Level 2’s were Dicks to Level 1’s, becuase level 1s did not learn super confusing shit fast enough. and they were butthurt they had to help us. so they gave us shitty help and were very stubborn to escalate shit we obviously couldnt handle. just constant fookin ball busting. giving bullshit answers we could never tell the caller. we wanted to say well YOU come here and talk to them asshole, but they would just laugh. they didnt have to talk to anyone.

WELL, some of the level 2’s did, them i didnt hate as much.

but increasingly they were pulling level 1’s into that job. instead of promoting them. there were no promotions ever. i never saw anyone get promoted at least.

well sorry thats a lie. i saw ONE person get promoted. pretty notably. shot up from level 1 to level 3. it was pretty controversial. good guy but why not promote a level 2 who had been there longer? because that doesnt matter. and this was the one and only promotion i had ever seen of anybody in 12 months of being there.

there was a lot of Couples at the place. i mean there are a lot of people in this world desperate for a job and this place hires a bunch of people every year cuz high turnover, so somebody gets in, then they refer their bf or gf in soon after, cuz we all need shitty jobs. i think this is a good thing cuz they can give each other moral support on the job, and they can Quiz and Study and Talk about Job Knowledge while they are off the job. talking abotu the job is a valid way to learn the crazy material, but if you dont hang out with anybody from the job outside of the job, then you dont do this.

and what better way of hanging out with somebody from the job than to be dating them and making secs tapes with them and cheating on them hahahaha.

point is, its gonna help you know the material better to talk with somebody about it, outside of work, for even an hour, on a regular basis. like a STUDY GROUP.

also they can help you on the job and be less likely to be bitchy at you for asking questions, becuase they supposedly luv you.

so maybe i am a narcissist with terrible boundaries. thats why i am so mad when she stopped giving me my “narcissistic supply”  meaning stopped obeying and complying with me. so then i lose my shit when they rebel against my control and manipulation.

well my Rational Response to that Automatic Negative Thought (see dr david d burns, md, “feeling good”, one of muh despair heroes) is….cuz im trying to convince myself that im NOT an evil narcissist! is

i was not trying to manipulate her, i just wanted to talk to her

i didnt KNOW she wanted to throw me away

i had a RIGHT to discuss being thrown away

talking to me would be the mature thing to do if she wanted to end the rel

though i did kinda have boundary issues, namely, i wanted to FUSE with her, and i would let her walk all over me and bust my balls, without standing up for myself and saying this isn’t right, this is not ok, lets talk about this, or else im gonna let YOU go.

i will work on muh boundary issues.

i am pretty selfish and self centered but i am probably not a NARCISSIST. even if having a blog where you talk about your life like its SO IMPORTANT is kinda narcissistic.

heh well its important to ME mother fooker. also i DO want to help others. i am just having a horrible time right now. i am in a LOW here the likes of which i have not been in since….2008 or so. 2009. well before this blog even began. i was doing GOOD then. when i am doing well then i can speak to the losers better. but right now i am in the DEPTHS of my own loserness. shit has gotten REAL.

looking at the map again, the capital of lichtenstein is vaduz. hahaha. i would have been a good traveler during muh 20s hahahahaha.

i wish i grew up in europe hahahaha. it is easier for you to be normie and non autistic and get pretty young gurls there. even the most beta male in like romania or hungary or switzerland gets a pretty young gurl hahaha.  sure keep telling yourself that.

see your mind automatically goes to the worst of all worlds. i am not a kissless virgin because i am just am not. i kissed a gurl and had secs with one 10 years ago hahahaha. i am not eternally friendzone becuase when i get feelings i TELL the gurls. and then we are no longer friends hahaha so QED no friendzone. the real problems are the huge secsy dry spell, and basically gurls rejecting me for being more than friends. but i refuse to be trapped in the friendzone. indeed, what i have done recently could be described as BREAKING OUT OF THE FRIENDZONE. well to be accurate, she wasnt really friendzoning me either. she was just praying that that signals i was sending were not true, and backing away slowly. she didnt really want to pretend to be just friends either. she wouldnt even hang out with me. that IMHO is friendzoning, when the gurl knows you like her, and youre too much of a pussy to tell her, AND she still hangs out wiht you and doesnt feel weird about it cuz she doesnt really care that you like her.

 

IMAGINATION RUNNING WILD

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questions to ask a woman you are getting to know:

how many guys you had secs with? more than 5, bad news. no rel 4 u.

whats the shortest amount of time you knew a guy before having sex? hopefully no shorter than 6 months!

whats your opinion on casual sex? you better say that its WRONG and sex should only be part of a committed longetrm rel!

whats you opinion about dating multiple people? dont do it!

ever cheated on someone? i hope not!

ever kinda sorta cheated on somebody because they didnt realize you werent serious? better not!

ever been in luv? i would imagine most people have.

even had your heart broken? ditto

whats your longest rel? hopefully fairly long. OR she is a virgin and never had any short term OR long term boifrans.

why did that end? who ended it? uhhh hopefully her not being a Bailing Out B.

what was your shortest rel? who ended it?

how many times has your heart been broken?

how many hearts have you broken?

do you know if any guys have K’d themself because you broke their heart?

any crazy guys ever stalked you? what happened right before that? did you do them extremely wrong? not that anything really justifies stalking, but sometimes broads really push the guy over the edge, like cheat on him or dump him harshly or do something really rotten and bad. not that it justifies stalking but it can reallllllllly push a guy.

have they ever stalked a guy?

have you eer just thrown a guy away with no communication, while he begged for mercy, begged to just talk, and you just walked away?

are you a sociopath hahahaha

how are your communication skills?

when you have a problem in a rel, do you try to talk about it, or do you just say Fook It Im Done and Walk Away?

whats the most horrible thing youve ever done to a person? top 5 things.

what are the top 5 most horrible things a person ever did to you?

ever been raeped? not that you should blame the victim, but gurls that have been raeped often become crazy and will do horrible things to you even if they dont mean to.

did your father abandon you?

were you molested as a child or teen by an uncle or yr momz boifran or neighbor or something?

what age did you lose your virginity? (anything less than 18 is a Red Flag.)

what do you think of sluts? are you a slut? have you ever had a slutty phase? tell me about it.

tell me a brief summary of all your relationships with men.

do you learn anythign from your relationships or do you keep making the same mistakes?

is there anyone who hates you or holds a grudge against you because you did them really wrong?

do you like partying at bars and parties and clubs?

did you ever hook up with a guy from a bar club party? how many? how often?

do you “hook up” with the men in your social circle?

tell me about all the times/men you had sex with and then regretting it because they got weird.

you you have bipolar?

borderline?

do you have lots of guy friends?

do you have lots of friends?

do you prefer a quiet night at home or a wild night out?

do you hang out with your family a lot?

do you think other people are too wild and too much social drama?

do you have any tattoos?

shit. all i can think about are all the things i loved about muh female former friend, the things abotu her personality that made me fall in luv with her, the way she was different from Stupid Normal Gurls.

then there is the bad shit, like she was completely incapable of communicating with me, or how she ended a beautiful friendship in a godawful way. i mean i think she is making a big mistake and she did not have a history of making big mistakes.

heh. did second 3 miler, up to 6 miles, might try for a third here hahahaha.

of course i feel STUPID, having such STRONG FEELINGS for someone who had such WEAK FEELINGS for me.

this is why you communicate right away.

well i think our long friendship DID account for something and DID mean something to her at one time. but the second i gave hints i liked her, ie sending more texts, wanting to hang out more, she started her process of disengagement, detachment, preparing for the End. I did not. cuz of the mixed signals she was giving. i thought she was interested in Working On Things, just not right now.

fook. communication is so important. that is what i learned from this hahahaha. it wasnt important for her apparently. just me. hahahaha. well she did not like me, so no, she didnt need communication as bad.

she could have cared about me more tho. it is not inconceivable that when a man and a woman are just friends for a while, someone eventually gets feelings. usually the man hahahaha who usually gets his heart broke, or remains as a Supplicating Beta Orbiter for years while she Bangs Badbois and cries on his Beta Shoulder!

it would be physically impossibe for me to be in that position because i owuld have used one of those many Hangouts to confess my feelings after 10 months max hahaha. i dont understand why these supplicating beta orbiters just dont Blurt It Out already. oh yeah. because they are pussies.

well arent they giving signals? even shitty signals?  and the woman knows right away, she just AVOIDS COMMUNICATING about it? i dont even know. i wouldnt avoid communicating about it.

i just couldnt get muh frend to spend ANY time with me WHATSOEVER. that in and of itself is a Big Red Flag! a Warning Sign!

so you say forget that person, anyone who would do such a shitty thing, they dont deserve you, say fook them, they’re doing you a favor by taking them and their shitty self out of your life!!!!!!!

and then i say yeah but shes not the type of person who DOES this sort of thing! this is probably the first time she has ever done this, and might be the last! its INCONGRUENT hahahaha. out of character.  nothing in the past to hint at it, and prob wont be repeated again!

just feels stupid. to feel so close to her, yet she didnt feel close to me at all.

and i thought she would talk to me if she had any problems with me, rather than just walk away.

how else was i wrong about her? did she have a secret life? was she secretly a huge whore having secs with tons of guys this whole time? and its none of my business! bullshit i thought we were friends, so yes it is my business! but i THOUGHT we were friends but we weren’t! but i knew her for almost three years! its extremely hurtful to end a 3 year rel in this way! how could this happen?????

so stupid. like why couldnt i see her facebook friends? was she getting tons of attention from guys? maybe. but she wasnt that type!!!! did she block all of her friends from viewing her friends?

if she was casually fooking tons of guys, then she should have found it easier just to tell me UGH WERE DONE, to tell me something, its got to be easy to talk, you’ve got to do SOME talking before fooking these guys! like the 30 seconds of small talk in Old Pornos before they start fooking.

yeah any rejection is gonna hurt, and the person cannot really be there to Help You Thru It. by definition.

but the silent throwing away rejection is even worse because it makes you IMAGINATION RUN WILD. you start filling in the blanks with all sorts of fantastic things. and making the person seem more evil than they were. maybe.

i dunno. i thought at one point i knew her. then to have HER change. she changed a lot more than i changed. she changed into a horrifying monster i no longer knew!

being overwhelmed, freezing, shutting down, overbearing, too much to handle, still i dont know how she could do this to ME. i thought she cared more for me. it is VERY painful when someone you Luv cares for you at one time, and then they DONT care about you any more. god damn. 2 months later and the pain is still very real!

ok better get a third 3.1 miler in. its more like 3.1 than 3.0.

ok did that. it is really 3.1. so, 9.1 miles today woo hoo.

anyway yeah yeah i guess what bothers me is that the relationship meant nothing to her. im sure it did at least for the first two years. but i really wanted her to express that when she Ended it. to say something like i am really grateful for the good times we had, and the special friendship we had for two years, but i cant go on any more. something liek that. oh i mentioned this in email3 and or 4. that i just wanted her to recognize that relationship had value. well i know it had value to her because she told me a couple times long ago. not enough and not recently enoguh hahaha.

cuz it kinda feels like our entire rel was NOT REAL, or the goodness that it brought me. well, thats patently false, it only stopped being real the moment she picked up my signals of feelings, then began Packing Up and Leaving Bit By Bit. she prob started doing that around January2015? give or take 1 month.

i mean i didnt have some kind of white knight mlady fedora view of women! I was/am basically a huge woman hater! I have been full mgtow and mra for years! i was an Early Adopter back in like 2005 son! i am WELL AWARE what evil, crazy, socipathic, harmful, posionous, evil, ruinous, destructive monsters women are! it was miraculous that i could ever have positive feelings for any woman ever again, after “TAKING THE RED PILL!”

but i sure did. i got feelings for TWO women during my MRA Red Pill phase. woman2012, and woman2015.

damn.

anyway she actually probably did appreciate our friendship and it did mean something to her. but she sure is never gonna tell me that! but it would have lessened the hurt to HEAR that from her.

tell a b the best way to dump you, for when she dumps you. what would give you the best closure?

for me, i would have liked her to write me Long Emails. Because thats what I like to do. I write THEM long emails. if you start receiving long emails from me after dumping me, pretty good sign my heart is BROKEN hahahaha.

so she could write ME long emails basically saying the basics: its not you its me, im SORRY, our relationship was meaningful to me, im sorry, i dont want to hurt you, youre a good person. for 9000 pages. and heres 1000 dollars for a breakup fee you can use to pay your shrink and buy some indica hahahahaha.

hehe walkjogging 6 to 9 miles a day and still not losing more than half a pound a week. maybe i am gaining muscle mass in muh legs hahahaha. or eating too much. but i always eat a lot!

the show workaholics is pretty funny, it made me lol several times over several episodes. yes it was degenerate but it was still funny. i would like to get into the show and have the characters arc towards less degenerate, and become fully grown adults with Good Wives.

 

SPECIAL FEELINGS MAKE THE SECS 90000000 TIMES BETTER / IF YOU WANT TO KNOW IF A GURL LUVS U, DOES SHE WANT TO COMMUNICATE WITH U / MORAL HYGIENE

826

why did she do it? because she didnt know what else to do.

why didnt she just want to respond? she was just too scared and confused.

why was she scared and confused? we can never know, but ultimately i think it was somewhat on me, but MORE on her. i wasnt trying to scare her. i was trying to have a two sided conversation. she was avoiding the conversation at every opportunity because she was just that scared of conflict, that she would rather Run Away From Me, than have a damn uncomfortable conversation. Srsly. or even to write me an email or text me.

like whenever i mentioned important things sandwiched in with small talk, she never took the bait, never addressed those things, just ignored them.

but she wanted to communicate with the other guys!

because she was desperately in luv with them and would do anything not to lose them. me, she wasnt in luv with, she needed a platonic friend, not a nonplatonic friend. so the second i showed feels,  she wanted me to get the fook AWAY from her. she WANTED to push me away. if i voluntarily pulled away, she would not have stopped me! but if she were in luv with me, she sure would have lifted a finger!

DAMN it must suck being a young girl and having 90000000 guys in love wiht you all the time! you must be a really lovable person!!!!!!!!!

ironic that the guys SHE fell in luv with, were pretty cold to her! maybe thats what she likes, the hard to get hahahaha.

and have secs with them, damn. i dont want to have secs with anybody but her, even if she were a cold fish i would not care! because there is something EXTRA with her. the EXTRA SPECIAL FEELINGS MAKE THE SECS BETTER.

and since so many normies have secs without special feelings, i dont think they understand that.

but yeah i get terrible thoughts of HOW GR8 it would be to have secs with her, her rubbing her pvssy up and down muh d, making out, her making those girl sighs, her big pale white ass on me, fooooooook. ALL women do these same motions, but with her it would be SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it would be something that seals the deal, that brings the both of you together 4 lyfe.

as soon as you get a gurls phone number, also get her Most Regularly Used Email address, and Mailing Address as well hahahahaha.

went for walkjog. 3.2 miles. not bad. should really do another.

there should be a textbook or a knowledge base  for this, how do you make somebody communicate with you?

you can’t. you can only change your style of communication. you cant MAKE somebody WANT to communicate with you. that has to come from THEM.

but you can change your style, and that would make them WANT to communicate with you more, right?

so i guess you never accuse them, never say “stop hurting me!” you say, “when you say this, I think this, and if that were true, it would hurts me. i know you dont intend to hurt me, but i worry that you dont care about me, what can you say about this please.” is how you’re supposed to communicate. which is basically how i did it in the emails i sent which she never read and threw away hahahahaha.

it is amazing how people get into Long Term Relationships that dont know how to Communicate with each other. This is probably because its the Woman who Chooses Her Man. she is in luv with him, desperate not to lose him, so she will do whatever it takes to keep him, including ….gasp!!……the Dreadful COMMUINCATION! they hate doing it so much, they would rather just run away, unless they are CRAZY in luv with a guy.

if you want to know whether a woman truly loves you, is she willing to communicate with you? or does she say fook it and just runs away. women will do anything not to communicate unless they are REALLY all in.

i guess to some extent that is true with men too. i mean i luved her, i was desperate not to lose her, i was all in, i desperately wanted to communicate to do anythign to save the relship.

it really WAS a relship of sorts. we did not have secs but we were friends for 2 years and were close during that time. a friendship is still a relationship motherfookers, stop making everything about secs this and secs that.

we truly are living in oversexed, hypersexualized times. i think its disgusting and degenerate and morally abhorrent.

MORAL HYGIENE that was the phrase i wanted to bring back.

in england during ww2 they had a “committee for moral hygiene” which had something to do with keeping the young soldiers from doing degenerate things, or the young women too. basically keep the young men and women from drinking and partying and fooking. i think the idea of MORAL HYGIENE is very good, although young men exposed to the Horrors of War are more than entitled to have Secs with Hookers IMHO, well really so is any man.

i should have more secs with hookers, like i say, any kind of secs boosts a man’s confidence. casual, hooker like secs for regular women just harms them; makes them harder to respect; because they are the choosers; because they can get pregnant.

so if you are the CHOOSER, it is better to be DISCREET rather than INDISCRETE. not sure the correct way to spell that, dont really care.

discretion vs indiscretion dont really come into play when you are the beggar. beggars cant be choosers. a beggar isnt going to turn down a penny. if anything, a beggar should be indiscrete. he;ll take anythign he can get .

so does that mean you should have a rel with any trash woman who wants to have a rel with you?

i didnt say that! but regarding secs, maybe yes you should.

but i am pretty sure you cant MAKE yourself LOVE somebody.

for a while i THOUGHT i was MAKING myself luv my female former friend, during the confusion of the transition period, but once it came on, i was certain that it was not forced. and i certainly could not force it off!

really we never ever talked about Our Feelings For Each Other. this was equally both our fault, we were afraid to.

well she said some things to me in july 2014, like “youre a really good friend” that made me think she might like me, then i felt uncomfortable, cuz i didnt like her yet, which was ridiculous, so i try to “make” myself like her, then i liked her, but it didnt feel forced at all, then she didnt like me any more. at all. wtf.

lesson learned: if a female friend acts like she likes you, just come out and ask her, what do you feel about me. i dont have feelings for you yet, but it can take me a long time to develop feelings. if you are a cute young gurl and we get along very well, then chances are good i could get feelings for you over time.

i mean shit she could have said “i have feelings for you” if she really did. lord knows I was more than willing to say that to HER face, once i got feelings, if she had ever let me talk to her!

or if it were eating her up like it was me, she could have constantly pressured me to hang out like i did to her!

shit i mean she has WAY MORE Relationship experience than i do! all women do! they should be GOOD at this sort of thing! The best i had was a shitty pseudorel that was decidedly short-term! with absolutely no expectation of monogamy, no real intimacy, no real communication, no spending lots of time together, just some physical activity and a handful of fun evenings. no long conversations. no real getting to know each other. no trust, no real connection, no real mutual luv.

hehehe i have Learned a lot of Valuable Lessons without many good experiences to back them up! i have only had secs twice with one woman, i have only ever psuedodated a woman for 2 or 3 months tops. and thats all she wrote. well i also Fingered this other bitch and made out with her quite a bit and regret not banging her, cuz i was moving too slow, like a pussy.

well she wasnt a “bitch”, she was just a bitch to me hahahahahaha and brought more bad to my life than good.

hehehe kinda like my former female friend.

yep. blurt it out BEFORE the bad tips the scales and outweighs the good. because at one time in the past, the good outweighed the bad!

i never dealt with women well, i never learnt my lesson hahahaha. even when i learn the lessons. well thats not true. i dont necess make the same mistakes over and over. a big part of the problem is i just dont meet a lot of women i like. like when i was in college i met  3 women i liked in the space of 1 year! now i meet more like 1 likeable woman every 3 years!

no i learn my lesson, its just that i keep running into new and unique problems! that always kill the rel before it really starts! which all happen to fit under the umbrella of, the gurl just doesnt return muh feels.

with woman2012 i waited too long and vowed never to do that again. with woman2015 i didnt wait as long, however that wasnt because of any lesson i learned from woman2012! it was because the actual situation of working with the woman was killing me and there was SUCH tension between that i HAD to say something! it was an obvious breaking point.

it was never getting to that breaking point with woman2012. there was never really any huge tension between us. as soon as there was tension actually, SHE addressed it in a very mature, professional manner. then i responded back saying yeah i do have feelings for you, thank you for communicating about it. and it ended as well as it possibly could.

i really am afraid that im never gonna meet anybody ever again that i have feelings for. cuz its gonna take me a while to get over this. and then i will be SUPER OLD.

next time you have secs with a gurl, if ever, warn her that her doing this makes you lose respect for her, because women should wait until they really KNOW a man before Inviting Him to Make Babbys with Her! this takes at LEAST six months, but most women will invite you in before 1 or 2 months.

i wouldnt take such offense if it werent such a VAST disparity! ideally it would be more like 1 year. and then say women made you wait 11 months. not too shameful. but when i am making a concession to say 6 months, and even thats a LITTLE slutty, and they do 1 month, thats INCREDIBLY slutty.

the average woman is INCREDIBLY, UNBELIEVABLY slutty. this is what i mean by degeneracy, and moral hygiene. moral hygiene is anti-degeneracy!

just be honest in your communication. be like, i’m losing a lot of respect for you right now, you’re killing this relationship, but damn i want to get my rocks off too cuz i havent had secs in 10 years. meanwhile youre going crazy cuz you havent had sex in 4 months, ya dirty skank. try going your whole Youth without Secs. Or Luv hahahaha. I will never get the chance at Young Luv because I am no longer YOUNG!

well she is on the path to unmarryable single mother, and i am on the path to Lonely Old Bachelor Nevergf Foreveralone. not sure which is worse! the single mother gets to reproduce at least.

well maybe i will dump a load in one of those single mothers, be like yikes get away from this nutcase, and they will end up raising my child! win win!

men are less likely to love their child if they dont love the mother.

could the same be said of women?

well i think for both, it goes both ways.

i am just heartbroken because i wanted a long term rel with her and maybe have her have mah babbys one day. that idea was not completely ridiculous. that is true luv for the true believer.

yes its good for men to have a fook buddy. because secs on the reg, with a reasonably attractive (minimally doable!) woman will give the man confidence, which will help the man in EVERY AREA of his life, INCLUDING finding true luv. just be careful not to fall in luv with your fook buddy. to my ears it sounds ridiculous, because the type of gurl that has secs without Emotional Attachment is NOT the type of woman you want to fall in luv with.

i mean i USED to fall in luv with Sluts, and i thought it was a GOOD Lesson Learned that I STOPPED falling in luv with sluts. so i need to learn the new lesson of How To Luv Sluts Again? that doesnt SOUND like a good lesson!

this is why you need to interrogate and interview and ask the tough questions:

what do you think about casual sex?

how many secs partners have you had?

did you ever have a slut phase?

how many abortions have you had?

what do you think about cheating?

do you ever have sex outside of a relationship?

do you ever casually date ie have sex with multiple guys at the same time?

if you got pregnant right now, would you know immediately who the father was?

have you been abandoned by your father?

do you let your boifrans make secs videos of you?

just a list of dealbreaker type questions.

well maybe i need to LEARN TO LUV these types of loose women. i dunno that sounds like a shitty deal. and i am upset because this woman was basically a non degenerate. who would pass this purity test. and that kind of woman is so rare. and that made muh luv even stronger.

MORE DISBELIEF THAN DENIAL

824

shit i watch intervention and these people are in much worse shape than me, then in 90 days of rehab they are totally changed. and are all full of energy and enthusiasm. seem to be in much better shape than me at that point! seeing that shit makes me think i need 90 days of rehab!

denial, really the more accurate term would be DISBELIEF. I CANT BELIEVE this is happening, i CANT BELIEVE they would do that to me, i can’t believe the situation i’m in, i have no idea how i’m gonna get out of this.

it takes a long time just to believe it happened! And you will NEVER make sense out of it!

stop trying to make sense out of it!

this is hard for a man to want to do. men want to make sense out of things.

well you cant make sense out of WOMEN. women are inherently nonsensical.

well the SENSE of it, is i was rejected because i was a weak underconfident beta who disgusted her rather than made her Tingle. this for her was reason enough to throw me away like garbage.

things like long term friendship mean something to men. they dont necessarily mean anything to women, especially when feelings enter the picture.

when i brought feelings in, i CHANGED THE GAME, and in her mind, ended the Long Term Friendship right then and there, unilaterally. it was my fault. at that point i immediately ceased being a long term friend, a human being worthy of respect, and became a Potential Suitor, and an obvious Lower Beta Male, and therefore worthy of NO respect. i stopped being worthy of respect in her eyes 10 months ago, or maybe 8 months, whenever she realized that i Liked her, whenever she realized i was texting more.

what was my crime? the feelings? the desire to communicate? or the pushiness?

well, logic says it was the pushiness.

and she was upset about the pushiness for sure, but i think she was upset about the feelings themselves, when really thats nobodys fault.

also the pushiness was wrong, my fault, ok. but it was rooted in a good thing, mature thing, the desire to communicate.

and she was wrong for being PUSHY AGAINST any sort of communication.

however, the LESSON LEARNED: as soon as your desire to communicate makes you start being pushier and pushier because they are Pushing Back and being Stubborn and Obstinate, and you know you should Rein it In, but you still are frustrated because you’re not able to communicate…….

at that point blurt it out.

Which means I should have blurted it out in DECEMBER as opposed to JULY. a FULL seven months earlier.

AS SOON AS YOU START GETTING PUSHY, JUST BLURT IT OUT ALREADY.

we would debate back and forth forever:

i would say she is more wrong than me, because she was so stubborn about (not) communicating.

she would say i am more wrong than her, because i was the first one to be stubborn, i started the stubbornness, with wanting to communicate, and wouldnt leave her alone when she made her intentions clear not to.

and i wuld say, WHATS WRONG WITH COMMUNICATING?

and she woud say, but i obviously didnt WANT to.

and i would rebut, well then that makes YOU the bad guy. i thought we were friends. when your friends want to communicate, you take one for the team.

and then she would rebut, our friendship ended in october the instant you got feelings.

and i would rebut, that changed our friendship and made it all the more important for us to communicate. but i disagree that i threw the friendship away at that moment. it made it all the more important to discuss the changing nature of the friendship and get everything out in the open, rather than sending stupid signals.

and then she would rebut, well you should have gotten the picture after a few months. and if you wanted to communicate so badly, you could have just blurted it out.

and then i would say, yep, thats what this whole experience taught me. i wasted three years of my life knowing you just to learn the lesson that i should blurt it out after two or three months rather than ten months.

that was really worth it hahahahahaha.

so yeah i wish i never met her, and again i managed to waste three years of my life. just like i wasted three years of my life on woman2012. and after her i said NEVER AGAIN, thats why i will ACT FAST next time.

i could say i only wasted TEN MONTHS rather than THREE YEARS. thats also a valid argument.

in fact i think it is the CORRECT argument, in the Court/Trial of Logical Debate.

Ok. we knew each other for almost 3 years. 2 years and 10 months.

for the first 2 years everything was fine. we were friends and i dont consider this time wasted.

for the final 10 months i had feelings and shit got worse and worse until the shitstorm end.

i “wasted” this time insofar as i didnt tell her right away. blurt it out. but it was still proper to wait about 3 months before blurting it out. so really i only wasted 7 months.

but i say, those ten months could not have been possible without the two years. the 2 years was a CAUSE of my feelings. then, while i had feeling, i went back, in my mind, to remember those two years in a more rose colored fashion, that i had not really had at the time. this gives the feeling of a “three year love rel” when in fact it was not.

sure i can say i wish i never met her, and if i had never been friends with her i would have never fallen in love with her. those points still stand up to scrutiny.

BUT it does NOT follow that i was in love with her for 3 YEARS! but in fact, only 10 months. the love that i had during those 10 months does NOT change the feelings i had for the prior 2 years. even if sometimes it feels like it.

verdict: i did NOT waste 3 years. i did not even waste 10 months. i only wasted about 7 months.

last time, with woman2012, i wasted 3 years, cuz i dev feels for her quite soon. they lasted quite a while unfortunately. i would hang out with her but i didnt confess my feels for 3 years. plus we just werent really that close. i was much closer to woman2015 during our friendship period. shit during that time SHE actually wanted to hang out with ME!!!!!!!!!

well doesnt that mean the bitch wants the D?

hahahahaha of course it does. I should have just made her cheat on her boifran, and had us BOTH Pop our Cheating Cherry.

oh god what a sick sad world!

also, to the charge that she didn’t know i wanted to “communicate.” she just thought i wanted to HANG OUT all the time. maybe if i had known my true desire was to Communicate and Talk, she would have been more amenable to that. but since i phrased it as always “wanna hang out”, she just thought i wanted to hang out.

well i agree my cardinal sin was to be constantly pushing her to hang out, and i should have, 7 months earlier, blurted out the thing i wanted to communicate. fine i accept THAT.

but by the other token, she could have seen that Hanging Out was Important to me, and then carved out a Fooking HOUR for us to hang out, like go to dinner like we USED to, at least one time in ten months.

i didnt think it would stretch out this long. i was optimistic to have The Talk within One Month! i thought she was gonna invite me to something for thanksgiving, i thought she was going to invite me to something for xmas, nothing!

i fully expected the matter to be settled by the end of the year. i really did think she was gonna invite me to like a get together at thanksgiving and or xmas, and we would get my beloved COMMUNICATION then.

so i was disappointed when that didnt happen. i should have told her that!

we communicated well on little things and small talk and even bigger talk about Life, but when it came to talking about the The Big Things Between Us, we were both horrible at talking about that sort of stuff. but at least i wanted to.

if she wanted to, she could have made a damn effort, like responded to my emails. takes two to tango hahahahaha. she could have lifted a finger. i at least lifted a finger in my cowardly way. she did absolutely nothing in her even more cowardly way.

well i sent one email before we stopped talking and three emails after we stopped talking. i know she read that very first one. now the next three, she may have read the first one. but the second two, there is increasing likelihood that she blocked. and the third one, which i sent one week ago, was really the best and most important.  and also the one least likely to be read. damn.

heh. this would be a lot easier if i had a female friend i could go to for Booty Call Secs.

I really gotta learn to Separate Secs and Luv if I ever want to get along with a damn Woman. cuz thats what they do ALL THE TIME.

i went to church and a really cute gurl sat in the row right in front of me. this is not normal. she was i dunno adult age, age of consent and above. normally the only cute gurls that go to church are Underage Gurls with their Parents. but not Overage Gurls. I mean she was about 21. if anything she was still too young! also i didnt think she was as attractive as my female former friend (FFF). but she was still definitely attractive and i would have thrown it in. but she was way too young and in good shape to consider a super old fat slob like me. it would just be CREEPY for me to be attracted to her!

but yeah cant stop playing what if, things i could have done differently. if i had just blurted it out. and you can get pretty creative with how you blurt it out. text, email, messages, smoke break, after work, you could even send them an at work instant message chat. so i was a little uncomfortable about that. i wanted to talk about it in person. hence all the talk of hanging out. but i didnt say anything like “i want to hang out BECAUSE I have something i really wanna talk about.” so again its all my fault for that hahahahaha.

well i was treading carefully here. i had no idea. i had never fallen in luv with a female friend before. i hadnt even HAD a female friend period for years. because i am such a weird omega male with an intense inferiority complex that repulses all people, especially women hahahaha. i expected that if i ever had another female friend she would be so physically unattractive that i would never develop feels for her. so go figure when i made a female friend who was not ugly. hahahahaha.

shit.

hahaha i remember joking with her in october or november how she had “three strikes” and she had just used up one or two of them.

so it was all my fault for not controlling my perception and my reaction. if i had reacted differently, we would have lived happily ever after.

no that is bullshit. she is not some blameless victim.

i remember the closest thing we had to “communication” was i was begging for her forgiveness and sorry sorry sorry sorry i have been so pushy, and then she said “tbh that is why i have been so distant” or something like that. basically blaming me for everything. so its all my fault.

well she just thought i wanted to HANG OUT, she didnt know i had the legitimate desire of communication!

she didnt know i wanted to communicate, she just thought i wanted to hang out!

see how weak that sounds?

communication is an inherent PART of hanging out!

well, not really. there are plenty of people who hang out all the time but never really communicate.

but i didnt even get ONE FOOKING CHANCE.

and instead of blaming me as the bad guy, she could have said lets TALK, or lets just hang out for ONE HOUR, or write an email actually Examining her Feelings.

but that would involve THINKING about your feelings. to take it one step further than Animal Impulse.

i dont LIKE being so emotional, thats why i spend so much time and energy dissecting my ridiculous emotions and trying to learn from them, trying not to let them ruin my damn life like they are right now.

ruin my shit with women, ruin jobs and lives.

i dunno i just felt more Emotionally Mature than her, believe it or not, because i was willing to put my emotions under the microscope and really get to the root of them, and talk about everything, but she was willing only to blame me as the bad guy and wasnt willing to think or talk about anything.

i would reflect on myself and my feelings too much, she reflected on herself and her feelings not at fooking ALL.

thats the only thing you can tell me. is that its all my fault for making you be distant and cold. no other thoughts on the situation at all. shit at least take ten minutes to talk about those feelings. i think when we had that talk, it wasn’t really a talk, it was the briefest of exchanges on instant message. i would have rather had her bitch and moan about why i was such a bad inconsiderate pushy guy if she were sitting with me and actually talking. then we could have used that opportunity to talk about related things, like why i was so pushy, and what my problem was, and what she thought, and what i thought.

yeah i was no angel but neither was she. i am Mature enough to see that i was no angel, but she is just gonna blame it all on me, and have no conscience. in her mind, i deserved this kind of treatment. in my mind, i deserved to be treated with basic human respect.

so i learn lessons, kinda shitty lessons that weren’t worth the pain. and she learns NOTHING.

well i become a better person and she will become a worse person. women often do hahaha.

however i became more of a loser in the material world.

well, see, according to email1, i made my desire to communicate 100% clear. we were still talking then. i basically said sorry for pushing you but its not that i want to hang out per se, i just want to talk. can we talk on the phone or email. i miss the closeness of our friendship. i know she read this one. i wish she had responded to it. she just said I read it and I wasnt upset, but gave no further comment on what she thought. TYPICAL. (like a pussy i harped about “please dont be UPSET” during the email to make it clear i wasnt accusing her of anything)

email2 came about 2 or 3 weeks later, when all the shit had gone down. not sure if she read this one, but an ok chance. she had unfriended me from facebook but not sure if she blocked me.

but when you unfriend someone, it gives you the choice right then, do you also want to block this person? i dunno i never unfriended anyone. i only had 8 fb friends. i only friend people i expect to never unfriend!

anyway in this one i said im so sorry it happened this way, i resigned from job, im wish it didnt end this way, im sorry, i am having a real bad time right now, i hope you will talk to me again some day, yes i do have feelings for you, they started in october. i wont send any more emails, i never wanted to hurt you, i just wanted to communicate.

then 10 days later i sent another email (email3)  saying sorry im sorry, but i have to ask, could you ever have feelings for me ever, and also please please respond and tell me what you think about all this. the please respond email.

then 3 weeks later, sent her email4, prob the best one, saying please respond less desperately, but basically saying we can end it better than this, i deserve more respect than this, please treat me like a human being, please treat me with respect, dont hate me like a piece of shit. its never too late to communicate about this. please take the high road. i am not a horrible person.

not gonna get a response to that one either! email1 she said she read, email2 she might have read, and likelihood of reading decreases on email3 and 4.

what the hell did i do that was so BAD? she treats cheaters and horrible people better than she treated me, her friend of 2 years, where we knew and trusted each other.

i am having a REALLY tuff time getting over this. i cannot see how it WONT permanently damage me.

I CANT BELIEVE IT! how could she not even just send a message or write an email! because she things THAT LITTLE of me! But I didnt do anything THAT BAD!!!!!!! I CANT BELIEVE IT!

the only good things to come out of this are that stupid worthless lesson i learned about Blurting It Out within 3 months; getting better about Jogging; getting sort of closer with Family.

but also my confidence is completely gone, i cant even make a phone call!!!

DESPERATION MAKES YOU DO WEIRD THINGS / EVERYTHING IS DISCOURAGING

aug 6

semi new point. the reason the woman was so cold to me, so offended and angry and hurt by me, was that i was Making Her Feel Weird, Weirding Her Out, by Being a Weird Creeper. that is a reasonable explanation. and I know you cannot apply logic to this situation, but this explanation kinda works, because I probably was doing that to her. Because True Love makes you do crazy weird things. this is exaclty how and why people get jealous and become stalkers etc. EVERYBODY does it. its what you DO about it that counts.

well quitting the job is pretty psycho but stalking and doing bad things to her would be 1000000000000 times more psycho, so.

so when women get Weirded Out by Creeper Guys, they quite understandably shut down, run away, try to ignore you completely.

quite understandably, a lot of the weird guys are further pushed by this, to get ever wierder. double down if you will. keep pushing forward. exactly what i did.

i was just hoping and thinking that our past rather long history of closeness and niceness would help her see me more than some Random Weirdo She Just Met, a Stranger if you will. because i wasnt’ a stranger. she knew me well enough to know that I am not a Bad Weird Guy.

But thats the rub, is everybody can reach the edge, where they do weird things: because of stress, anxiety, or Luv. and boy did i!

i didn’t think i was being too weird. i wasn’t all like I LOVE YOU or whatever. yeah i was pushy about wanting to hang out and talk, and i made new kinds of statements like “you are very important to me” and “you mean a lot to me” and “i care about you a lot” and “i hope we can become closer in 2015” and “i appreciate you more and more” and “your my favorite person hahaha lol” and “i will stop bugging you to hang out if you can promise me we’ll hang out next month, i know this is a bad time for you, but i honestly miss you a lot” so yeah i was giving some major hints, and also being pushy, desperate, and weird. but i think i could have been a LOT weirder. also it sucks when somebody blows you off for months and months, when you used to hang out in the past. so that you end up saying desperate things like “i hate bugging you so much but please try to promise me we’ll hang out next month and then i wont bug you at all this month.”  of course what is the person supposed to say to that? but it sucks that you are so desperate that you have to say it in the first place.

desperation makes you do weird things.

so when you are desperately begging to hang out next month please, then it’s time to write your tell all email or voice mail or blurt it out. by that time you probably a have a Raft of Drafts of things you want to tell her. so just fooking tell her already, rip the bandaid off, get it over with already.

thats one good thing, is the sense that ITS OVER. ITS DONE. that chapter is closed, a new lonely miserable jobless loveless chapter has begun. but at least you no longer have that false hope to cling to. you have nothing. except the things that REALLY matter, like your family.

so yeah that is the likely reason she was SO COLD and heartless to me, when she was never a heartless person before. its just because i was THAT weird. I didn’t think i was THAT weird, but she did, and thats all that matters, and i guess she is entitled to her feelings hahahaha.

but thats also why i wanted to talk and communicate so much, so that i could explain why, given my situation, these things werent all that weird. it was just growing tension of an unresolved situation. that finally boiled over quite dramatically.

it is discouraging though to think you could meet the Perfect Person, and maybe they COULD have feelings for you someday…..but just not right now, because the TIMING is wrong. you are ready to go right now, they are not, it might take them 3 months, 6 months, a year, or never. what do you do in those situations?

because in the past, she was so super nice to me that i thought she might like me. but i will never know if she actually did! i should have asked her directly at that time. well i did ask about it in my please respond email hahahaha that she will never respond to, because i am too weird, and the email was weird too.  i dunno i dont think the email was too weird given the situation. i just wanted to put it all out there and be like here’s the full truth. really went all in there. and was that a smart move, to go all in, rather than half in? who knows. maybe i can go half in later hahahahaha no i should really just stay away from her. which is why my gut feeling is NOT to go back to the job. job was making me sick and she would make me even sicker.

but yeah i am bit resentful that she could not look deep enough, remember our years of getting along nicely, and see that I was the same decent human being, but that i was just going through some stuff, and that was making me a little bit weird, so lets please talk about this, get it out in the open, so it doesnt boil over and destroy everything. which of course is exactly what happened.  i just think talking about it before it got out of control would have been better karma, more mature, more healthy, would have kept things from getting this bad for me at least. for her its all the same, she doesnt care one way or the other, i am dead to her and she never thinks about me, like i still think about her all the damn time weeks later. foooooooook me. GOD have mercy on my soul.

i mean i think the obsession will wane in time, but it will take a long time, AND i truly have to stay away from her, like no more emails, which I am suprrisingly confident i can do, believe it or not!

but that has to be all or nothing. i cant like email her 3 months for now and put in a small bet, hay hows it going, sorry about all the drama, want to try to be friends again, maybe hang out and catch up. because the feelings will really never go away. they never do. i mean i could go back 10 years and possibly start again white wedding with some of those women.

however it would be different obviously if she took the initiative and came crawling back to me lol. in that case i would respond to her. it would really depend on her tone and position. i migh meet up with her once and be like yeah i developed feelings and even though the drama is simmered down now, i will always have some feelings for you, so being just friends and watching you date and have casual sex with other guys is just not gonna be possible, so keep that in mind, so do you think there is any chance with you and me, if so, lets give it a shot, lifes too short lol. if not, well lets wish each other well, if you want to try dating in a year then contact me, or ever really, i’ll probably be willing to start again for the next oh 5 to 10 years. just dont call if you have any bastard kids with badboys, or after you’ve taken more than 10 additional cox from now, taken a good hard ride on the coq carousel.

sissy ass white knights say the coq carousel is a misogynistic myth, and i dont like to be a woman hater, but i can verify it is NOT a myth, god have mercy on us. i wish it WERE a myth. it is insanely heartbreaking when a once good gurl decided to take a spin on it. they are changed permanently. ruined. it is SO sad to see that happen to a good woman. i honestly cant handle that pain.

ok called my dr as instructed. worried about making the phone call for 20 minutes. that was amazing. with all this crazy shit going on i was worried about making a PHONE CALL. and my horrible JOB was i used to be on the PHONE ALL DAY.

its like you never make real progress. you can be on the phone 40 hours a week yet STILL get nervous about making a damn phone call. its like you’ve gone nowhere, made no progress, have not improved or developed at all over the years, even with lots of phone experience. that is very discouraging. everything is very discouraging. life is discouraging hahahahaha.

it is amazing that you can be touching your loved one and you get such a good feeling out of it…..and they feel nothing, or revulsion. i say this because of one time i was sitting next to my beloved woman on the ground “indian-legged” style and my leg was touching her leg for like a full 10 seconds, which was kind of my intent hahahaha, and i was like oh it feels so good to be touching her even just a little bit, and later realized that she was probably “this is awful, i cant wait until he stops touching me.”

and if its that bad with just your damn knees touching, imagine how bad it is when you get more physical. your dick up in the gurl and you think oh god this is the best experience ever, i will never forget this, i am in total luv with this gurl and i want to get married and make babies with her and be married to her for 70 years, and she is thinking oh god this is HORRIBLE, we are never having secs again, he is gross, he is so awkward, this is the worst thing ever, never again, he has no idea how to do this, i want a real man not an omega male, a man who KNOWS how to fook and please a woman, etc etc etc.

so yeah just a complete disconnection, no connection whatsoever, between two people who appear to be physically close. that is also very discouraging and a bit horrifying. like the cok carousel is horrifying. cuz though the cok carousel kills womens ability to connect long term and luv a man, there is no doubt that for those several minutes of being fooked by alphas, they feel something deep, they enjoy it, that is the closest they will get to True Luv. is 10 minutes being fooked by an alpha. i mean sure that is very sad that they willhave trouble developing long term love and probably be terrible wives and mothers.