JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO COMPROMISE DOESNT MEAN YOU HAVE TO LIKE IT

jan 3 2017

first day back to little boy virgin job hahahaha. well, its INFINITELY better than not working. INFINITELY. LITERALLY.

also stopped by bakery before job and bought some donuts and pastries and eclairs and danishes and cookies and such. the bakery is well regarded and the sweets were indeed good and they open at 6:30 am. i will try to do this about…..once a month. spent 6 dollars. going every week would be tryhard. hard to do donuts at my last job because there were like 50 people in the office. it was best if you brought in 2 dozen donuts. kind of a big deal.  here, much smaller office. bringing in 6 donuts is more than enough. so its a cheap value added way to Buy Goodwill hahahahahahaha.

went to bed yesterday at 8 pm, i think that was just about right. might even do 730pm today. my body LITERALLY needs 9 hours of sleep a night. thats just how much the world takes out of me hahahaha. on the easiest day. actually it doesnt matter if i have an easy day or a hard day, i still need 9 hours regardless.  i could do a fooking triathalon or sit and neckbeard all day. doesnt matter. 9 hours. of sleep.  kinda weird. already Yawning at 420 pm hehehehe.

was talking to “client/customer” today and he asked me a very direct question about muh education, he was not being rude or even prying, this guy just likes to ask direct questions about things I don’t like to give direct answers to. like he was fishing for opinions about TRVMP and I wanted to appear impartial so I said my standard nonpartisan answer about interesting times, and polarized bla bla, he said he was pretty much pro-trump, i was with my colleague who is unfortunately anti-trump but I try to disregard that because she (naturally, a woman) is also very accomplished and smart and i respect her brain and actually quite like her. it would of course be better if she were pro trump. she doesn’t know im pro trump and i dont really want to let ANYBODY know hahahaha. keep my cover.

well i can just say i am a Political Moderate and Honestly Guys I Am A Centrist and don’t go in for real Leftist Stuff, however I don’t think we’ve had a good Republican Candidate since……..i dunno reagan. I would be a total Reagan Democrat guys.

when this is total BS, I am a Far Right Hwyte Nationalist and cant wait for TRVMP to build a 1488 foot high wall and deport all illegals immediately. its january 3rd, why are there still illegals and blacks? hahahaha. I want to travel to far-right meetups in my free time and do Roman Salutes hahaha.

of COURSHE you dont talk about THOSE things, and of course you soften it and say i’m a moderate, im a centrist, and be thankful i’m in a place where Centrists won’t get frowned upon as being Too Far Right!!!!!!

ANYWAY the direct guy hit me with that question, well regarding the Super High Prestige University I went to, and my one coworker was right there, and they probably didnt know about this, and im like, great, if i say i went to this prestigious middle class uni, then i look like i’m a HUGE LOSER because im making 13k a year here instead of being a fooking grad degree executive manager making 100k a year like everyone else in muh uni class hahahahaha. i am 9 times less successful than the people i went to school with.

but the guy i was talking to was very sympathetic, he wasn’t trying to be mean, and in fact, so will most people. most people arent looking for ways to attack me, they just like asking direct questions, which is something i DONT like doing to people, but i need to get better at it. anyway i spilled the spaghetti and stammered like a retarded subhuman hahaha.

but anyway i brought donuts and yeah people here like to stay in shape and aren’t huge fatasses believe it or not. these people with their masters degrees, they tend to be in better shape hahahaha. they watch what they eat, and go to the gym, and maintain a Normal Healthy Weight even into their 40s hahahaha. youhave to be really SMART to do this apparently. no you really DONT.

so i ate 2 of the ridiculous donuts. i mean there is some rich custard shit in there.

but overall i felt more confidence as the day went on, it was not severely damaged by that moment, and i dont think it SHOULD be.

but yeah its why i would not be a good salesman. because i dont make an electrifying first impression. it takes me a few weeks hahahaha. and many people dont have that LUXURY of TIME and MONEY to give you a few WEEKS to prove you arent an idiot.

but here they arent judging me like that! they werent even really judging me like that at the old place either.

QUOTE

Just talk to him. Unfortunately this is how my relationship ended. I became clingy, not because it’s my nature, but because a previous relationship crafted me to be. I became an insecure idiot and the whole situation brought on anxiety that I didn’t want.
Perhaps he has anxiety? Who knows.
One thing I wouldn’t recommend is texting him saying “Hey, I think we need space” or “We need a break”. I mean you can, but be prepared for a barrage of text messages. If he truly has relationship anxiety, then everything is out of good intentions, but it will overwhelm you and just cause the whole situation to spiral the hell out of control.
My advice. If he’s harmless and has no anger issues. Just TALK to him. Tell him it’s bugging you. Tell him you like your space, that it’s not personal and that you’re not breaking up with him, just that a human being needs time to themselves, that’s all. Sit down and have a talk. See if he really has anxiety because it sounds like he does. Assess that situation and then go from there. See if it’s something that you want to deal with.
People with anxiety don’t text you all the time because they’re clingy, it’s because you don’t reply (granted it can only be like 30 min) and they feel like they said something wrong. The constant need to be around you isn’t a lack of trust or anything either, it’s his need of wanting to know you’re still there. It’s a weird thing and most people hate it, but you need to talk to him, in person, about EVERYTHING before it gets worse for the both of you.
If he continues to act the same way after that, then ask for a break since he’s not willing to change.

END

good point reddit

well you can also be anxious that somebody will leave you for any moment without warning and do a 180 and leave you in the lurch hahahaha.

how about you just dump him by ghosting. that would solve your problem real quick.  show that creepy abuser evil person how evil, creepy, and abusive he is, maybe he can K himself, he really SHOULD!!!!! for being such a horrible person!

hehehe i pretty much had this situation. looks like i was a bona fide creep then hahaha. i still had to finish 1 year of college though. and she had to finish 1 more year of high school. and she had been with like 10 guys and had many bf’s, and i had been ith 0 gurls and had 0 gf’s.

she was secsually WAY more mature than i was, and relationship wise. she had slutted it up with many guys, and also had several monog LTRs. certainly experienced more of Life than I had.

i was pretty immature, i was only marginally more “mature” than she was.

and i never tried to manipulate or control or groom or control or isolate or abuse or bully her, and she lost interest in me and dumped me hahhahahaha.  no i didnt isolate and control her and then end up cheating on her hahahaha. she would have had to have hung out with me a lot more and use have much moar secs and be officially dating for me even to have a chance at manipulating her, hahahahahaha. not that i would.

hmmm 2300 calories today, almost 1000 over. unbelievable. not doing too good this year hahahaha. well, better to be working than to be losing weight i guess, so if gaining weight is the price i pay for Working, then i guess its worth it hahaha. not like i am banging any beotches anyway.

hey dont scold me, they’re the ones who bang on the first date. i think its fooking disgusting. but its what they want. what they like. i dont like it. i would prefer not to do it. but youhave to COMPROMISE in order to have relships, casual or not.

JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO COMPROMISE DOESNT MEAN YOU HAVE TO LIKE IT.

of COURSE ill do it. i havent had secs in 12 years, so if a gurl offers it, i’ll do it, because it might be ANOTHER 12 years before i get another chance. but it doesnt mean i cant resent her for giving it up too fast and not being an ideal pure waifu who waits 3 months before secs! treats the life creation process with the respect it deserves, and treat human life and the process that creates it with the utmost DIGNITY!!!!!

kinda stupid that btc keeps rising. and rising. shit im GLAD i got all out before this hahahaha. i dont TRUST somethign this unstable hahahaha.

jan 4

yep all ready to go here just killing time, reading email. went to bed early, but woke up at like 1:30 am and was awake for liek 80 minutes with stuffy nose, congestion, some worrying, tossing and turning, Thirsty (wanting water to drink.)

trying not to worry about constantly proving myself and impressing people. but in life you DO need to impress peopel. you dont get second chances. sure not with women! yeah well they gave me one chance with the interview for this job and that was good enough for them.

well you know my degree might have been worthless but it was actually related to my “passion” of helping neets with despair, anxiety, and relships. well ok thats like 4 careers there. gotta pick one. was thinking i would prob lean towards relships at this point. become a relship counselor.

trying to come up with believable excuses why i didnt get a masters degree like everyone else hahahaha. because i felt it was too expensive, not worth the ROI, and also i didn’t network too well in uni.

cuz if i say i was immature, and i was, well didnt I GET more mature in the next 10 years? NOT REALLY!!!! well why not?? because i couldnt get and keep a bigboy job hahahaha.

jan 4

1132 bitcoin? ARE YOU FOOKING KIDDING ME? i remember when it was 900 not 2 weeks ago.

so my main issue by far is having conversations with people without flipping out. not panicking, but always being slightly anxious about everything i say sounding stupid or wrong, even if its just small talk about families or something. even though i know these are nice people who want to be nice to me. so i disappoint them by not coming out of muh “shell.” and i want to come out of the shell but just having a hard time. so i try to show good will by smiling and forcing myself to talk even though it sounds AWKWARD and STUPID. I know there are worse things in life than feeling awkward. i have felt awkward nonstop for like the past 20 years hahahaha. its not a huge deal, its not near as bad as despair, which is not nearly as bad as dread/panic/fear/worry/anxiety.

DAB? in swearing in ceremony with paul ryan? wtf is dabbing? i thought it was VAPING MJ. Thats the only dabbing if ever heard of. wax or shatters or hash oil or really concentrated thc juice that you get blazed off one puff of the vaporizer. shit i dunno. i dont do that shit either. here i thought the kid was smoking drugs while his father was getting sworn into congress.

no turns out its just some negro dance move.

had 15 mL half dose of nyquil at around 3pm. will have some dayquil right before bed so i dont wake up in the damn middle of the night.

welp only managed to do 180 calories over today ehehehehe.

was in the office today and this younger rather attractive woman from related department was in. I noticed her immediately when i first saw her shortly after i first started. learned she was married and had at least one young child. well good for her. but she is def younger than me and def still very attractive hehehehehe. i wanted to learn more about her job and resume hahaha. today i learn she has an MBA hahahaha. prob not the kind of MBA you get from a top 10 business school, but the kind you get from phoenix hehehehehehe. still you can get a good middle class career job with that though.

basically life for everyone is HARD. on HARD MODE. you have to be TOUGH. i was pretty much SPOILED and had life put on EASY MODE for me. and i STILL fooked it up. and so now facing the real hard world, it seems even HARDER for me than it does for normies! I’m going into hard mode having grown up on easy mode!

but yeah i havent been in a position lately where i have to try to Justify, Argue, Defend, and Explain why i did not get a Graduate Degree. Because I’m Lazy. Because I’m Crazy! and you can’t say this kind of shit to coworkers or customers because that makes you look incompetent, stupid, etc. so, you just say….i didnt want to. cuz i didnt really WANT to. i’m allowed to say i didnt WANT to! cuz i didnt really want to. i just felt pressure and expectations like i was SUPPOSED to. similar to how i am feeling now. but those pressures aren’t necessarily all real, just me thinking what other people think!

i mean i cant just say its not worth it without showing myself as character flawed. if there daughter who is 9 years younger than me can get a masters degree right after undergrad and then quickly move from 70k job to 70k job with a masters degree, so can anyone, including me. i just wasnt willing to work hard enough!

GREAT GAME here, this guy is out with his GF and points to another girl and says t the gf, “see that gurl? GOALS.”  implying that gf needs to lose weight hahahaha.

SEE THAT GURL? GOALS.

omg that is the most alpha thing ever said. that gf is bending over and getting fooked hard tonight!

me with anybody and we see a successful middle class normie with a masters degree and they say to me, see that normie? GOALS. as if I never had goals.

well i really didnt tho hahahaha. i never wanted to WORK.

yeah well im going to WORK now hahahaha. i dont plan on missing a day ever. i get there early every day and leave late every day. i answer email after muh shift. i sometimes do work after muh shift from home. i have a pot of coffee almost all made by my official start time. i bought a tub of coffee. i bought some fancy pastries from a fancy bakery. i wear dress shoes and try to dress like a business casual normie. I try to write good emails hahahaha.

Furthermore, I am worried that someone who is so comfortable around guys to sleep with them on the first date cannot be trusted while we try to move our relationship forward.

YASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS THANK YOU. this is what all the women who defend this shit sluttiness always fail to notice. if its SO EASY for her to do such a BIG thing with a total stranger, what other big things will be so easy for her to do? things that may hurt you or break your heart?

WHY IS SEX NOT A BIG DEAL FOR WOMEN??????

Apart from the fact that they can get preggers…..i mean….all the naked genitals! doesnt this SEEM like an intimate activity? did it ever OCCUR to them to feel HESITANT about this? yeah, when they were a virgin at age 14 or whatever.

GOALS.

hey im not even interested in meeting new women. (well, kinda i am hahaha. ) but im not serious about actually DOING it. im just trying to survive ONE DAY AT A TIME. also im not even worthy of being in a rel because IM NOT AN ADULT. IM TERRIBLE AT ADULTING. I AM A CHILD WHO CANT EVEN HANDLE WORKING 40 HOURS A WEEK hahahaha. THIS IS THE BARE MINIMUM OF NORMIE MATURE ADULTHOOD.

 

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CULTURE OF CANCER

nov 29

heh. spent money to order a TRS Ghoul t-shirt before the campaign ended. its a little pricey but they do good work and i want to support TRS and tshirts are my fav kind of merchandise hahahaha.

hopefully the company gives ghoul/trs a decent cut. I know TRS tried to make tshirts with a mainstream shirt company like teespring or something like that, and they were SHUT DOWN before they could even MAKE the first batch of shirts.

i wrote a note to the current company saying thank you for not firing your controversial client hehehehe.

ordered a L instead of an XL because i have lost so much weight that an L shirt now looks too damn big. jeez. so i have all these GREAT t shirts that look a little too big and floppy.

i guess the lesson is, lose weight, then buy Great Clothes for you at that weight, so you are motivated to not gain weight again and get too big for those clothes.

maybe i was dumped with extreme prejudice and insult and hostility because i was A Little Bit Overweight hahahahahahaha. no i already dealt with that Distortion.

2016-11-29-16_53_41-sky-jpg-1000x1250

here is the ghoul t shirt design. could be more edgy hahahaha but i guess having a fookin NOTSEE DEATHS HEAD is pretty edgy hahahaha. and surf the kali yuga just means ride the tiger hahaha. and most importantly, signals to other fashy goys that you know about these things, but have never read a word of evola hahahahahahaha.

then you can be like hey goy how much money you make and they will say, i make over 100k a year as a successful entrepreneur, manager, lawyer, doctor, stemgineer, and you can say: huh well i make 13k a year as an unemployable neet, wanna gimme a job and help really put the 14 words into practice hahahahaha. and they will say ok heres a 24k a year job, just stay away from my wife and daughters and family hahahaha. and i will say, thank you kind sir, GOD bless you and bless the huhwhyte race.

hmm you can force gmail starred to appear in the left list. in fact i think i probably turned it OFF accidentally.

ok so the deaths head is a symbol of the SS in particular. hitlers bodyguards hahaha. the schutzstaffel hahhaha.

that stupid woman. out there being successful and making money and being happy and being a productive member of society making 30k a year. while i struggle just to make HALF that. its like shes MORE THAN TWICE THE PERSON I AM.

twice as successful, twice as powerful, skillful, capable, twice as VALUABLE TO THE WORLD.

again that is an issue of perspective and ATTITUDE. just a lot of complex Negative Thoughts that need to be Unpacked and FIXED.

with what? talk back to it with BULLSHIT like you’re not defined by your JOB, unsuccessful people have as much Human Value as successful people?

REAL EASY TO SAY WHEN YOURE A SUCCESSFUL PERSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but when someone kicks you out of there life and then becomes ragingly successful while you become a raging failure, yeah thats rough man. thinking about them. the fantasy world where you could have been with them, lived happily ever after, and YOU would be successful too, making 30k a year, HAPPILY EVER AFTER. Youd have problems sure, everybody does, but youd work through them, and continue making 30k a year happily ever after.

i was sort of thinking about That Woman cuz ive just been emailing with the old colleague who worked with both of us, and we talk about so and so leaving and getting a job somewhere. and now we can no longer talk about That Woman because if My Issues. yikes.

yeah but I really DONT want to hear about how That Woman is doing so well, making 35k at her new manager job, getting married to her new successful black BF. hahahaha. really NOTHING I can hear about her will make me happy. i just need to pretend she doesnt exist. i dont want harm to come to her…….but i dont want to hear about her doing really WELL either.  im SURE shes doing well, they all do well, unless she does something to screw it up, then its her own damn fault, and i have no sympathy, and she has fairly 50 50 chances of either screwing it up, or doing well. the choice is hers. not mine. its none of my business.  i just wish it WAS my business! also who knows if That Woman even talks to the former colleague any more! might be Too Busy with her New Life!

nov 30

this is what Getting Over It looks like hahahaha. tons of thinking about the past, some thinking about the future hahahaha. what is she doing now. whos she fookin, how much money is she making.

everyone i know makes WAY more money than me, and it doesnt really BOTHER me. i guess if it did, THEN i would have a big problem. the only time it really BOTHERS me is when WOMEN who have rejected me go on to make tons of money and become super successful.

its like saying they are TOUGHER and STRONGER and BETTER than me, the REAL ADULT WORLD says this person is WORTH a lot more for their brains and skills and personality and work and worth.

it bothers me most with That Woman because overnight I went from making ok money to making NO money, and she went on making ok money, and has continued to make ok/pretty good money ever since, for a year and a half, while during that time ive made NO money. very very very humbling.

now other women who have rej me went on to make good money……several years AFTER they rej me. they paid their dues by going to grad skool for several years. fine. they deserve to make good money then.

but that woman, she never went to GRAD SKOOL! she never even finished COLLEGE! she hasnt paid enough DUES yet! me and her, we paid about the same amount of dues, well technically i paid a bit MORE! and now shes making WAY more than I am! Probably getting promoted! moving up! does she have 200 credits of college? no, she has like 60! does she know how to be charismatic AND really solve problems? NO she just sits there and looks pretty and says idk, it cant be fixed. she sm0kes too much MJ and believes in stupid conspiracy theories!

yeah i have my issues with Emotion Regulation and its a struggle to find my Wise Mind, but I can sometimes fake it pretty well. pretend i am a level headed, logical person. she cant even do that! yet she can make 30k+ a year and I cant even make muh goal of 26k a year! and she is 8 years younger than me! and 3 times less educated than me! rabble rabble rabble hahahahaha

so much butthurt hahahaha.

but the men I see every week for my social event, they make WAY more money than me, and it doesnt really bother me. i dont think that they think they are so much better than me, the pathetic low-earning loser.

i wasnt asking her to BE WITH ME. I was asking her to talk to me and make a GOOD FAITH EFFORT to HELP ME, in that her making a good faith effort to talk and TRY to smooth things out a little bit would have meant a LOT to me and i dont think was TOO MUCH TO ASK of her, like asking her to Be With Me would be. lets just talk about how we are both gonna handle this and move forward and try to have cool heads about this. so i was/am resentful that she wasnt even willing to do that.

yeah my Extreme Emotions are my own responsibility to control. but she could have given a LITTLE effort which would have helped me a LOT. low effort, high reward. high ROI. sacrifice a little short term awkwardness to reduce a LOT of long term suffering for me. i guess THATS what I really am butthurt about.

just write me an EMAIL saying you have my SYMPATHY. Sorry about YOUR LOSS. EXPLAIN yourself. I am very willing to listen. I want to explain myself to you and really want YOU to LISTEN.  asking somebody to be willing to listen, and also to explain themselves to you, well an explanation isnt really necessary, but its a sign of GOOD FAITH that I think is NICE when youve known somebody almost 3 years and have a Real Relationship!

She was a bad dumper. i was a pretty good dumpee, all things considered. I took it very poorly and did not cope well at ALL, completely heartbroken mess, but I was not a BAD DUMPEE by doing things like stalking, begging, pleading, harrassing, facebooking, messaging, calling, texting, manipulating. I sent a few emails. big fookin deal. then I said welp these emails arent working, time to do no contact. and I sure did. i was a total devastated mess and did not cope well with that and that is embarrassing, but BY GOD did I ACCEPT HER STUPID DECISION hahahaha.

shit i accepted it better than i did with the other women, well besides woman2012. I handled that one really well, partly because SHE handled it really well. a tip of the fedora to mlady hahahaha.

but the other women i was always scheming to Win Them Back, staying in contact with them, not understanding that Its Fookin OVER. i mean i still didnt stalk or harrass or bombard them though. ive never been a superbad dumpee. i mean i ahve had very dark thoughts but even when i was DRINKING i never DID anything worse than spit a spray of beer on a gurls shitty car once hahahaha. i was 22 hahaha.

with that woman, i just sent some long pathetic emails explaining myself and begging her to please explain herself. when i saw that wasnt working, i stopped all contact whatsoever and continued being devastated by myself hahaha.

so yeah. dont say i was a bad creepy dumpee who couldnt accept her decision! i was a GOOD dumpee!!!!!!!

SHE was a bad DUMPER!!!!!

BAD DUMPER! GOOD DUMPEE!

later

went to walmart and spent 80 damn dollars like a privileged white man. bought cheapo winter boots, winter socks, huhwhyte tshirts, black dress shirt, black sweatshirt, some groceries, all at decent price. tried on wrangler ultimate khakis in the dressing room. could not find a good fit on the stiffer ones. did not try on the softer ones. a good pair of khaki pants is hard to find hahaha. well for the time being i have some gray Dress Pants and some super casual gray cord jean type pants that look good but feel weird. more of a modern fit than a classic fit.

anyway i am being converted into a damn walmart fan. for their selection and prices. i just obviously hate the whole walmart culture, with exploited underpaid pathetic employees, and pathetic, disgusting trash customers. well the mens clothes and the SHOES selection is actually really darn good! next time i need SHOES i am going to walmart!

i got the cheapo 20 dollar winter boots. if they fall apart after 1 winter then i will get the even cheaper rubber boots and just wear warm thick socks with them.

i would not recommend walking around for hours in the boots. i mean these are not High End boots, and I think a man owes it to himself to have a good pair of High End Boots. but that is a big investment.

they had softer wrangler khakis and much stiffer wrangler khakis which were almost as stiff as damn dickies.

they had 15 dollar “faded glory” khakis which looked pretty good. this is the walmart store brand. NICE.

https://www.walmart.com/cp/mens-clothing/133197

they had nice Turtleneck shirts! i remember i always wanted one of those so i could look like a poem writing phaggot hahahaha.

http://www.artofmanliness.com/2013/12/03/beyond-sissy-resilience-on-becoming-antifragile/#at_pco=smlrebh-1.0&at_si=583f31a6a86d53f6&at_ab=per-2&at_pos=0&at_tot=3

really some decent articles here. i mean yeah ive been aware of the site for years and just wrote it off as mainstream jooish media, but i guess its really not bad, like a more masculine version of mens health or some shit.

http://www.artofmanliness.com/2011/11/21/how-to-handle-being-out-of-your-depth-6-tips-from-a-con-man/#at_pco=smlrebv-1.0&at_si=583f327af9631873&at_ab=per-2&at_pos=2&at_tot=5

hope those weird numbers in the url dont contain any DOXING information about me

anyway the lesson learned is always try damn pants on in the dressing room.

oh good god is that jonathan banks “mike” from breaking bad, as a much younger man in thsi 1990 tv show “wiseguy”? it looks like a much younger version of him, with hair.  oh god it IS. good eye on me.

its just weird watching people get older. like i see a movie like “badlands” where martin sheen is like 20 years old and quite handsome, and now hes like 75 years old now. literally an old senior geriatric man.

we all look handsome and secsy and qt when we are young. then we get old and sad and ugly and dull.

like i was pretty GOOD looking when i was young. i could have pulled a qt if i wasnt so fooked up. now i am trying to get my act together, but i am nowhere near as good looking as i used to be. but at least i am about the same weight. and cant find clothes that fit hahaha.

that woman didnt care that i did not have a great Fashion Sense! she didnt have a great fashion sense either! where fashion means spending thousands of dollars to look like a wh0re. she probably shopped at walmart too hahahaha. she didnt care that the other wimmin thought she was uncool for shopping at walmart. she never wore super tight or revealing clothes.

heh. maybe she did when i didnt see her, when she was being social with men she fancied.

who cares.  think of something else. be mindful of the present moment hehe. REFOCUS hehehe. deep breathing. radical acceptance. its over. it is what it is. GOD grant me the SERENITY NOW hahahaha.

i am just kinda disappointed that those pants at walmart just did not fit or feel or look right at all.

i guess i should be happy that i didnt just buy “my size” without trying them on!

also there were great SHOES at walmart. tons of great, cheap SHOES. like plain black shoes that I was looking for like for wearing at a job. just plain black semi-professional looking shoes but that would also be comfortable for people walking around all day. like people that work in walmarts or restaurants. people who need plain black shoes they can wear to Work and that can give their feet and legs and back good support over 10+ hours of running around slaving.

walmart. my kind of store. i did not even see what other stuff was in there, like a bank or post office or what. ok there was a shitty portrait studio, might be closed, and defeinitely a subway. maybe a bank.

way to get all autistic about WALMART. maybe i should WORK there if I LUV it so much! hahahaha.

i GUARANTEE you i could get some MJ from the blacks who work there!

most shoes at walmart dont come in boxes. that seems kinda weird. i wonder if this is how they do their EVERY DAY LOW PRICES (R) .

i am just a big fan of the wrangler brand, always have been, so i am disappointed when a pair of wrangler pants does not totally deliver, like with those disappointing stiff, weird fitting gray khakis today. also glad i did not buy them before trying them on.

walmart. so exciting.

I should have gotten one of the smart people I worked with at previous job to write me a letter of recommendation, not necess my manager, although that would have been a good idea too, but just anyone smart i was friendly with, and they could PRETEND to be a Senior Level, and just talk about how good i am. but yeah  i didnt. was too filled with panic.

yeah that art of manlieness article on fragile vs antifragile. i am very fragile and hate it, would like to be antifragile.

FRAGILE. hmm must be italian hahahahaha.

fragile = WEAK. BAD. LOSER. HORRIBLE.

was listening to this new 2016 Saor album and I think it might have An It Factor, just Goosebumps, spine chilling, Dat Feel sort of stuff. or its really good at simulating that kind of Feely AtmoBlack hahaha.

well, I have always been wanting to hear some kind of Atmospheric Black Metal that embodies The Scottish Soul, and Saor/this guy Marshall seems to be it.

its just a matter of time before we get young black metal guys who are explicitly Alt-Right.

not saying Saor is, in fact, he’s MORE likely to be an antiracist shitlib degenerate. with his shitty disgusting phaggy degen ear gauges!

BUTTTTTT I find it hard to believe a person can create Atmospheric Black Metal with this kind of NATIONALISTIC feeling, and not be somehow open to the idea that Nation Matters, Blood and Soil matters.

But he’s not “nationalistic”, im sure he would say thats horrible, he just appreciates scotland and scottish history and culture.  well thats good enough for me. and it would be enough for joos to call him racist and nationalist. so i just say embrace it whole hog buddy. laddie. BECOME WHO YOU ARE hahahaha.

of course a band like moonsorrow ALSO does epic, heathen, pagan, fairly “atmospheric” stuff, and theyve been accused of being racist nationalists, and then they were like oh no no no no we hate racists!

i want somebody to say yeah i AM a racist, or at least i AM alt right and nationalistic. so you get a band who’s not afraid to be “nationalistic” like for example vapaudenristi, drudkh, or peste noire, uhhh yeah i think they might possibly be open to the ideas of alt right. but i kinda want to see a YOUNG alt right group that is JUST forming. each of these bands are really kinda old. have been active years before there was any kind of alt right. and alt right is really YOUNG.

well so is this saor guy, he’s “only” 28 years old. younger than me hahahahaha.

not saying hes alt right. i would just really like a band that sounds like that AND is openly alt right. i would do it myself if i could write good music!!!!!

right now the most openly alt right kind of music is this vaporwave with the really 80s aesthetic, which looks promising, but i havent listened to much of it, and i prob SHOULD. there is this musician grayfield stray which talks to TRS, or this paddy tarleton guy as well. we need more alt right MUSICIANS in other words, making honestly GOOD music. but good music is HARD to make. bad music is EASY to make.

like that “it factor” you feel when you hear actually good music, or that strange feeling you feel with a special woman that you dont feel with just any body. THATS the kind of it factor you need to show in interviews to get a 25k a year job hahahahahaha.  you need to be something SPECIAL.

you need to be SUPER SPECIAL just to be an aveage 25k NORMIE. whats wrong with THAT logic?

anyway i looked at saors facebook and he seems like a good goy and took those stupid things out of his ears and is really a very handsome man who probably has a GF and he clearly luvs spending time in the beautiful nature, really quite jelly of that.

i know he sees that and he luvs it deep in the marrow of his bones, and something he cant explain, is very happy to be a Scotsman! Thats the type of stuff that we in the alt right are ALL ABOUT.

but what about us amerifats? i mean i feel a deep nostalgic connection to certain locations where i grew up, lived near, etc, that have NOTHING TO DO with the Land Of Muh Blood, which would be largely in poland somewhere. but I would luv to go there and visit that land to, and have no doubt i could establish a connection to it!

i guess he lives in glasgow? and he is pro scottish independence. what is he gonna say when glasgow gets overrun with mudslims and nonwhites?  im sure theyre already there, but im also sure its nowhere near as bad as london.

yeah i would go see that show. and he used to play shows. i think he said something like he was gonna stop cuz its too big of a pain. come on. play one show a year in the fookin highlands or some shit hahaha.

ok yeah hes YOUNG but hes been very PROLIFIC, doing shit for like the past 10 years as well, since he was SUPER young, having many other projects other than saor.

GOOD FOR HIM. GOOD GOY. have some HUHWHYTE children.

use a TAPE MEASURE to actually measure your waist, legs, chest, and neck, and write those on a small card that you can put in your wallet or Money Clip or just bring with you when you need to buy clothes. measure your waist at your Belly Button, and measure your legs from the bottom of your Dangling Nuts, down to where you want the bottom of the pants to be. for chest, measure at the widest part of your chest, probably around the Nips hahahaha.

and you can redo those whenever you lose or gain weight, really just before you go out to buy clothes.

the main thing for me is not having that kind of tape measure, but i am sure i could buy one at walmart for 2 bucks hahaha.

why doesnt trvmp pick ANN COULTER for some sort of job. she would be great. shes probably the best woman out there. if he needs a woman somewhere in there he should pick ann coulter. just wanted to make it clear that i dont hate all women, i like ann coulter.

2016-11-30-19_40_13-2016-11-30-19_38_53-cardamom-1-0-02_0-04-no-limit-holdem-replay-13404437

hehehehe i win such big potz when i get quads hahahahaha

annoying muslim phd professor b1tch wearing hijab and kvetching about islamophobia and the terrorism of white supremacists hahahaha hahaha

oh yeah i got those ridiculous winter boots at walmart…..ok i already discussed that. i mean i dont know why that makes me so happy hahaha but i will take it.

am i spending money in a bipolar, manic impulsive way? i mean i have been spending a lot of money lately.

i mean i am privileged to have savings to spend. normies dont have this. in fact its this savings which has enabled me to become a damn FRAGILE NEET NEVERGF LOSER.

shitlibs always use the word “FOLKS”. black folks, white folks, muslim folks, it sounds stupid hahahaha.

maybe i wont bring the coffee on the first day because they might be anti coffee. that would be pretty gay tho.

heh. watching bill o reilly and he just showed 10 seconds of richard spencer and npi and oreilly called them wacko white supremacists that are just like louis farakhan, idiots saying hitler stuff, of course showed the part where the audience was roman saluting, and oreilly was like these nutty white power racist extremists.

i mean did i really expect msm to treat spencer any differently? no not really hahaha. i just sorta like seeing spencer on msm news. and im sure he does too. but its the wrong damn message! hes getting LIED ABOUT! slandered! libeled!

plus this isnt gonna convert anyone. the fox news watchers will just forget about spencer, or they will believe hes a natzi.

the people who are interested in this stuff ARE GONNA FIND IT. they know how to use the god damn INTERNET hahahaha. im not sure we need to recruit anyone. well, except for rich powerful and or successful people. just like big winners in life. turn THEM from shitlib to alt right. turn them from libertardian or basic bitch fox news conservative to alt right.

wow this fruit of the loom 5 dollar black fleece sweater is very nice hahaha.

dec 1

heh. when it comes to thanksgiving dinners and huge political divides within families and friends, its always the shitlib hillary voters that are all butthurt little crybabies about it. but thats because they LOST. so they are justified in being angry? justified in closing the door on their family? because you cant be in the same family as a bunch of RACIST, SEXIST, HATEFUL WHITE MALES WHO OPPRESS THE WORLD?

thats what it boils down to. it’s amazing that we’ve come to the point where people cant even think of saying, yeah, i admit it, i’m kinda racist, AND THATS NOT A BAD THING.

instead, its THE WORST THING IMAGINABLE. if you are a racist, then you are LITERALLY HITLER because HITLER and the NOTSEES are racist. therefore dapper richard spencer is a nazi, trvmp is a nazi, all trvmp voters are nazis, and you should block them out of your family. and say omg i cant believe my uncle/cousin whatever is a trvmp support racist. TYPICAL WHITE MALE, insecurity and fear. well, at least they’ll be in the minority in 50 years, and the next generations will have it better once this Nazi Race disappears. this is literally what many WHITES think!!!!!

and thats what made me an alt right pro white basically white nationalist hahahaha. i could NOT support people who implicitly supported the disappearance of muh race. whatever you want to call that disappearance. genocide? certainly a gradual, generational death. extinction, extinguishment, snuffing.

no its NOT natural selection because how can you believe whites are not fit enough to SURVIVE?

http://www.metalstorm.net/pub/interview.php?interview_id=745

decent saor interview

http://paganstorm.altervista.org/pagan-storm-intervista-saor/

another one

there are some boring worthless interviews out there too

there should be interviews with people making 25k a year on how they became such an extraordinary person who acheived this extraordinary achievement. or getting a gf hahaha. there should be zines and youtubes and stuff about that. oh yeah theres plenty of pick up artist stuff out there for wannabe negros who want to bang sluts, but not a lot on How To Stop Being A Neet, and how to Start Being a Normie nonneet nonnevergf evergf.

That’s where I come it. That’s my value add. That’s WHY YOU NEED ME hahahaha. pay me. 25k a year. 12.50 an hour. i’d be happy to resolve your issue. serve you. add value.

interview normies on how to become a normie hahaha.

get haircut tomorrow, kinda looking forward to that.

terrible about studying my shit for start of job. not really sure how to study. how do you study something you cant see. i need to SEE shit visually. well thats my WEAKNESS and FRAGILITY and why i am a neet who is so hard to find a job. because i cant just talk to a person on the phone, have them describe something ive never encountered or seen or used, and then fix it for them without ever seeing it, without ever have seeing it in the past. look for this part. where? well, its somewhere in there. look on all sides of the thing. what am i looking for? not sure what it looks like. tell me what you do see. welp lets try them all then, i think these 3 things might be the part were looking for. i uhhh havent done this in a year so i cant remember what the part looks like, and theres no documentation of it, and i cant ask anyone for help, and theres nothing on the internet because its an in house thing, and theres nothing on our in house intranet.

nobody told me the real normie world would be like that! it is like a NEVERENDING final exam filled with trick questions, long story problems, and essay questions, where you get bitched at every time you get 1% wrong, and you dont have anywhere to turn to for help except a book that reads like it was written by chinese joos! and people bitch at you for being dumb because you cant make sense out of it. all day every day. 50 hours a week. the weirdest most unexpected shit happening, feel like your brain is going to explode at all times.

then YOU explode and start punching people in the face, grabbing b1tches by the pvssy, shouting n1993r n199er n1993r and get fired hahaha.

chill out with the ff piano collections.

dream and yearn for the day you might find an MJ connection hahahahaha and 420 blaze it ph4ggot once again.

ff10 music is prob best imo hahahaha

no its just the one im most familiar with.

holy shit that is so relaxing. listen to this shit and chill the fook out. sm0ke mj if you got it. i dont care if its nonwhite. japanese are only acceptable nonwhites. also this shit is very white inspired. this is japanese paying homage to whites. YOUR WELCOME.

is it paranoid of me to think that when someone says “welcome” instead of “youre welcome” in like a Work Chat, esp with you asking them for help, that that means they think youre stupid and you are wasting their precious time with your stupid questions? so they show that by not even taking the time to fully say YOURE welcome?

or am i paranoid and overanalyzing shit again?

when i used to get overwhelmed and confused at the complex shit at my job…..suddenly i lost my ability to understand even SIMPLE things. i would get confused by SIMPLE things that I used to understand. lost ability to understand all nuance. i needed EVERYTHING explained like I was 5. this sucks.

like explain to me the difference between scots and irish hahaha. besides the obvious “answer” that one comes from scotland and one comes from ireland. well what about scots irish? ulster scots? the picts? the gaels? the scots language? the gaelic language? viking/scand influence?

explain all THAT shit to me like im 5 hahaha.

the gig economy. it has NO positives. NONE. it simply means you cant go to one job for 40 hours a week and make a living that way. you have to cobble together 100 different freelance jobs with no schedule or predictability just so you can make 25k a year. you have less time for yourself and your family and your race. and your god hahaha. and your CHILDREN.

its just like these sharing services are not good at all. it simply means a normie person cant AFFORD a car or a bike or a tiny apartment.  or anything. you just rent EVERYTHING and never own it. because ownership is what white male oppressor capitalist nazis do, maannnnnnnn. its BAD to own shit. its SLAVERY. yeah well so is making so little money you have to rent your damn clothes hahahaha.

im renting this 12 dollar poplin shirt from walmart. im renting my SHOES from walmart for 2 dollars a month hahaha.

i mean yeah with CARS, i hate CARS, and if you could get away with not needing to use a car, fine. but you need a car to drive to your job 6 days a week and then Chores on the 7th. renting a car would be more expensive than owning a car.

i mean thats how these shitlibs, whites included, view the White Race: WHITES = NAZIS. Similar to how people hated the Germans after ww2, and now germans are cucky and pathetic and opening the door to their extinction. same thing is happening with whites in general. oh whites did the holocaust. whites did slavery. whites did all this imperial colonialism shit. whites do sweatshops in china. whites start all the wars in the world. whites are nazis. whites are oppressors. whites NEED to step down, whites NEED to be stopped. im white and i acknowledge whites need to be stopped.

that is the Root Belief these people believe, and I couldnt disagree with it more, which is mainly why I became a White Nationalist hahahahahaha.

You know, I might even allow a maximum of 10% nonwhites in my White Nation! the most talented, useful, productive, peaceful, best of nonwhites, and they would have to Assimilate fully into white culture. and breed with each other only, not whites.

then what about the kids. i mean one day some white slut is inevitably gonna have a brown baby.

well i guess as long as the percentage is kept to no higher than 10%, it shouldnt really be a problem.

how about 5% hahahaha.

we can keep the joos out altogether because they are the most antiwhite race there ever was or will be.

joos are the real fooking cancer on the human race, not whites.

its not really a culture of critique as much as it is a culture of subversion, poisoning, and destruction. a cancer culture.

they are by far my least favorite race and i still dont HATE them in the way shitlibs say racists HATE people. i will never personally encourage violence against joos. i just would like them out of my country, in my ideal world.

individually i can talk to and get along with joos. but as a whole, they gotta go. hey they can have a nice life in israel. its like a fooking resort country. very high quality of life in israel. great health care, total first world country. good jobs, good gun laws, hahahaha. just go to fooking israel. PLEASE. and fook these dual citizenship joos. go to israel and STAY there.

because DA JOOZ are the reason i cant get a woman or a job. they have turned all women into disgusting cvm guzzling wh0res. hahahaha.

well, they HAVE encouraged promiscuity and degeneracy and casual sex and pornography and sexualization of everything!

 

ITS IMPOSSIBLE TO RESPECT SOMEBODYS DECISION TO TREAT YOU WITH DISRESPECT

 

oct 13

apparently got up way too early today for 9am test. strangely not pooping even though drinking coffee and have some food that should be ready to go hmmm.

i just hate angry customers demanding explanations that i dont have, demanding to speak to somebody else when i cant transfer them, and i dont have time to Figure Out their problem, and just have to tell them It Is What It Is, Live With It. There’s no tactful way to say this problem isnt serious enough to our company to waste time figuring it out.

when you are sitting there in the trenches desperately trying to bullshit people and survive to the end of another day in hell, the one thing that gives you hope and solace is the idea that the first thing you do when you get home is youre gonna prepare a yuuuuuuuuge spliff and smoke it and get hella blazed. that is your one saving grace. it really does help. without that, things really start to look hopeless.

did not get a ton of sleep last night hehehe .

aha well feel the BM coming now finally hahahaha. usually i dont have to wait!!!!

then i get mad at other people, like HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH THIS? HOW DO YOU HANDLE THIS? and they get mad at me cuz i am mad at them cuz they can so easily tell customers “i dunno, not my problem, deal with it, live with it, cant help you, it is what it is, goodbye.”

well, it is true that what i saw what PERHAPS the evidence of a company on the downfall. well, the company was having a Bad Year, Big Losses, and laid a ton of people off, including in our department. but was the shitty service we gave indicative of that, or was it always like that, even when times were Good and Growing? i mean you always want to save money and do more with less, and that means sweeping Small Problems under the rug.

its just hard being the person who has to tell the person youre sweeping THEIR problem under the rug.

very hard. what do you say?

idk just go with the flow lol  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

yeah well YOU stop listening to your degen music and TELL this person that. give them a damn good EXPLANATION WHY you are sweeping their problem under the rug.

and go suck negro dick some more. spread your legs for negros and make fookin shitsprogs with them.

i might not be in luv with negros, but i can at least admit they are humans hahahaha. they are living human beings and their innocent babies lives have some innate value and shouldnt be created WILLY NILLY. same with any nonwhite babies. I am a sucker for babies. all races babies are INNOCENT HUMAN LIVES that should not be treated like GARBAGE.

im not an idiot i SWEAR. Here, call my high school teacher from 20 years ago when I was a top 5% student and got all A’s.

ok took the test, it was EASY AS SHIT. basically copy an extremely simple table from this paper into excel, using sum formulas and multiplication formulas hahahaha. no index match or offsets or vlookups hehehehe.

and then use an adding machine with paper tape roll to add up a list of 20 numbers. i did not even understand. who uses adding machines.

i was nice to the lady and she was nice to me and i also saw a printout of the 30 people who took the written test a few weeks ago where i did horribly on the accounting questions, i told the lady yeah i didnt do so well on the accounting part, but i took accounting courses in College and got A’s I SWEAR, I could TOTALLY do that stuff again with the debits and credits and journal entries if I just did a little refresher, its not rocket science, its just you get rusty if you havent used it in a few years!!!!!! and she seemed understanding.

jeez. just when i thought trump was past this grab em by the pvssy shit, some more bad shit happens, namely, some b’s coming out saying he groped them. i guess i sort of thought this might happen, and now it is. i like how he is condemning the lugenpresse, because he knows this cant be proven, although youre a woman hater if you think a Victim Might Be Lying, especially if they put their name and face on video and say I, Ms Lyin Slutberg, say that trumps hands were like an octopus on me in 1980, and women dont make this shit up for political reasons hahahaha.

but yeah that is the prevailing idea, that women never lie. and trumps got to get women to believe women do lie, in order to get womens vote. of course women know women lie, but they will deny it to the point of voting against that bad bad man.

but yeah it is def hurting his poll numbers signif. i mean it does not look good folks.

but if he can handle this as well as he handled the pvssy tape, he has a chance.

heh i almost had a heart attack seeing this one cuz i actually thought it was That Woman doing an actual reddit post about ME hahahahahahaha. but its not. i am older than 29 anyway hahahahaha. also it sounds like she rejected him a little nicer because they were still talking afterwards. well…..not really. well, it sounds like she actually told him “im not interested,” and THEN he started asking Creepy Details about her Secs Life. well at least i did not do that! so i am less of a creep and better at respecting boundaries than this guy!

i mean i am fine being a woman hater but i DONT want to be a creep, i DO want to respect boundaries.

I was VERY, VERY, VERY distraught and upset, like this guy, but I think I did an OK job of respecting boundaries…..well just the idea of me getting feelings for her and asking her to hang out regularly was Trampling Her Boundaries!

yeah well she could have stopped saying YES WE WILL HANG OUT!!!!!!!!!! that KINDA got my hopes up!

but yeah i admit i was weak and cowardly and should have blurted everything out in november 2014. that is the lesson i learned, and if i ever get into this situation again, that is what i will do.

i didnt really manipulate our mutual friend to talk to her, but yeah maybe i did secretly hope that mutual friend would talk to that woman and be like hes really upset and you were kinda shitty to him hehehehehehehehe.

but yeah it gets to a point where you really dont have anything to TALK about. i learned pretty quickly that i didnt want to just TALK to her, i wanted a CHANCE with her. the time for TALKING was earlier. like yeah i wish you had dumped me with talking but if you come talk to me now, uhh yeah im still in luv with you, ill still be in luv with you 15 months later. i can accept you not wanting the rel, just tell me no. tell me no and tell me im not a piece of garbage hahahaha. just say aw im sorry youre a real sweet guy like all the other women who “FRIENDZONE” their male friends hahahahahaha and then lets take a little break because you cant be friends when theres one sided feelings, didnt you learn than by age 25 hahahaha.

i will pay for a dumping expert for you to dump me.

or have your mom dump me for you.

but yeah at the end of the day she was a nice person, a beautiful person, and i will never get over her or stop being in luv with her or find a better woman ahahahahahahaha.

this feels as bad as muh First Heartbreak! they say the first is by far the worst, but this one is by far the worst! the 5th or 6th heartbreak hehehehe. well because it was the most significant actual relship.

anyway yeah i guess i understand, if i were in her position i wold have a hard time dealing with me too.

i mean you really do need a professional for these types of things. well ok. i would have her go to my shrink, talk to my shrink for 30 minutes, then i would talk to the shrink for 30 minutes. do a couple of those sessions. and the shrink could relay everything in a mature manner. thats their JOB hahahaha.

yeah well many people are just horrible at their jobs and have no idea what they are doing hehehe.

i mean isnt this what QUALITY ASSURANCE does? makes sure stuff is objectively correct?

i mean i never experienced this before. i pretty much accepted the ITS OVER talk. well, i would try to win them back. didnt work. they would make out with you (and im sure str8 up Pity Fook you, because its just secs). but i was too pathetic to even PUSH for secs because im nervous about secs and am perfectly happy with making out.

anyway winning them back didnt work and i shouldnt have tried it.

well these were crazy middle class jooish college gurls! and That Woman was a nice white down to earth normal woman who was not a Huge Career Woman.

i was a little creepy, but was I SO creepy that I should be totally ashamed of myself? sometimes i am, sometimes im not, and im still not sure how ashamed i SHOULD be, in other words, not sure exactly How Creepy I was.

i mean i dont WANT to be creepy. because “creepers” dont get women ever. its synonymous with undesirable. i dont want to be undesirable. have such deep issues i could never be with a wimmin. i mean they have deep issues too, but it doesnt matter bc women are the supply, therefore i HAVE to not be creepy. it is my responsibility. my mission. i dont want to fail my mission.

heheh got up at 6 am, not a lot of sleep, in mood for nap now at 12 pm hahahaha.

anyway. muh life is in ruins and all i can think about is WOMEN. and this is not a new thing. i always cared more about women and the related drama, than making something of myself. this is one of muh hugest flaws.

cuz i was always way more interested in women than i was in Employment, Education, or Training hahahahahaha. all that stuff was boring at best and excruciating at worst.

yeah i shoud not be writing here, very tired hahahaha. i mean i SHOULD be furiously jobsearching but i dont do that so furiously. hey i did something job related today! and i am on the baby steps plan hahaha.

but i have been on the baby steps plan for YEARS. i need to start doing MORE than baby steps, a LOT more.

GROWN ASS MEN DONT GET ANYWHERE WITH BABY STEPS.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

teen doesnt want to go to college, caretaker says she needs college beause shes not the type to do well without college.

such an easy answer. let the damn kid take a damn gap year, maybe two. also its easy to get a job when you are a 18 year old gurl hahahahaha. take some business classes at the CC because the kid is vaguely interested in “Starting a business” with no plan. so take accounting classes at least, maybe econ, i dunno. def accounting cuz its an actual skill you can get paid for. i mean it hasnt really helped my career hahahaha.

everyones like o just have her get a FT job and pay you rent, which in theory is a great idea…..but what if she cant get an FT job? spends the entire gap year just applying to jobs, going to interviews, and not getting jobs? hehehehe.

which i highly doubt tho, cuz as an 18 year old gurl she could prob get hired at a 12 dollar an hour county job like i just got two rejections today for two such jobs! they either dont like muh gap andor they think i am overqualified andor they dont want to hire white males. they hire a lot of white females though hahahahaha.

anyway if the kid is not DRIVEN in real life, they wont be DRIVEN in college, and being a lazy slob in college is not gonna help them. then you become a huge failure like me hahahaha.

anyway i always knew i was too fooked up to have a rel with a woman, so i wasnt actively looking for one. i knew i had to fix myself first, and that would take YEARSSSSSSSSSSSS until i am 40 or so.

point is, i didnt go LOOKING for a woman when i “found” That Woman. Us becoming friends was the easiest, most natural, most spontaneous thing i had felt in a very long time. we just got along instantly. it just happened naturally af. i didnt LUV her at first. after 2 years of being solid friends, i fell in luv with her. and yet i still was too broken and damaged to be in a rel.

point is, i wasnt putting myself out there, i wasnt trying to FIND a GF in other words. she literally fell into muh life and we got along rather MIRACULOUSLY.

like i think about going on okcupid or something and practicing banging sluts, but i know im not even ready for that cuz muh life is a mess, cant take care of myself, cant be a adult, i gotta get that stuff fixed before i even THINK about women.

hehehehe. yep. get me to stop thinking about women hehehehe.

well thats a lot easier when you are working FT at a terrible job. THEN you just think about surviving one day at a time. you have no Libido, you cant even jerk off UNLESS You look at porno. and it becomes a joyless experience solely to attempt to relieve stress. destress. and it doesnt work nearly as well as smokin MJ.

or quickly crank one out thinking of the Office Young Slut that all the other lonely old guys want to bang too.

if you are lucky enough to GET a job. AND work with even ONE attractive young woman.

but attractive young women can be INCREDIBLY distracting.

well, you will probably be thinking of them ANYWAY even if you dont know or see any. kinda in that position right now. im always thinking of women, but i really dont interact that much with women, and my point is, i dont know ANY attractive young women! but i still think about the idea of them! all the time!

shit maybe send that 17 year old kid to a shrink (i am thinking of them more as a boy than a girl, because gurls shouldnt Go Away To College period.) just to get a damn “tune up” and make sure they dont have Depression or Anxiety or Bipolar. just get a check up, and if they have anything, they can start treating it when theyre young and before they get their whole life off track. maybe the kid is Depressed because they dont seem to have any drive or motivation hehehehe. also make sure they are NOT doing drugs or alcohol regularly. find a male mentor who is 5 years older. 9 at the very most.

if the mentors are too old, they wont know how the world works and their advice wont apply hahahahaha. theyll say go to college, thats your sure ticket to the middle class, hahahaha.

dont get a female mentor.

FEMALES CANT MENTOR.

well, maybe they can mentor children and women, IF they have children of their own.

well what about this guys wife who is a successful business owner.

ok fine, if they own a successful business, ill give them a pass.

and actual entrepreneurs WOULD be GREAT mentors for Teens. but good luck getting access to these privileged, valuable, expensive, very important people. their time is worth 100 bucks an hour just to talk to them on the phone. just go shadow a doctor or something. go shadow bill gates hahahaha.

but yeah going to college right after high school was a HORRIBLE idea for me, so yeah i was VERY interested in that topic.

wewlad finally gonna come in under muh daily calorie goal of 1200, instead of way way over.

ITS SO HARD TO DO EVEN 1 BABY STEP hahahahaha.

but yeah i get SO nervous at the idea of Facing Customers. it is TERRIFYING. like the kids at mcdonalds making 9 dollars an hour. i couldnt do what they do!

but the FACT is, at ONE time, i USED to do pretty high level, in depth, srs business customer service. having deep intense serious conversations.

so yeah i just want to answer all my haters who say i got involved with a woman before i was READY.  it just HAPPENED ok. i wasnt LOOKING for anything. you cant CHOOSE who you LUV.

on reddit some college educated career woman was doing a /sarcasm about sex being “the holy process by which babies are made” /s . i wanted to reach through the screen and punch her in the face for being such a fooking godless disgusting degenerate. THAT SHOULDNT BE SARCASM! THATS EXACTLY WHAT SECS IS!!!!!!!!!!

and i am honestly disappointed that ONLY religious people share my beliefs. I argue endlessly you dont HAVE to be religious, christian, etc to have my beliefs on Sexual Morality, that sex is a darn near holy, sacred, sublime process by which Human Life is created, so have some damn REVERENCE for it.

apparently only religious nuts think this, and everybody else doesn’t.

i am SORTA religious but I stubbornly insist you dont NEED to be to feel this way about secs. even a damn tree worshiping pagan would agree with me!

i was pleasantly surprised to see that there were soem gun owners on reddit. one rel question involved guns and plenty of gun owners responded. i expected everyone on reddit to be violently antigun, anyone who doesnt express only negative opinions about guns is an evil white cis racist hateful nazi kkk trump raeper. so i was glad to be proven wrong there.

everything is NOT OKAY with these women. 25 year old women making 50 grand a year write work emails about things being NOT OK. good god.  and we all have to bow down to the women and fix shit when they think something is NOT OK. no man would EVER use those words to describe anything, unless he is a total cuckold phaggot.

women are very conformist in the way they talk so colloquial idioms like “not ok” and “its a thing” and “its been a minute” and “creeper” and “netflix and chill” and LITERALLY and  just the littlest ways of speaking, the words, the stupid slang, they get really into that and it changes the way they TALK. and men just dont TALK like that, not nearly as much.

 

heh the anxiety reddit is sometimes pretty good, though not nearly as much comments as relshits.

 

yep

 

in this WOMANS defense, I would get anxious about 12-15 hour shifts too!

 

there is a despair reddit too but damn these people are pathetic. but there are some good questions like the above. not alot of answers though.

anyway i think my despair comes FROM muh anxiety which holds me back from taking risks and doing things and accomplishing Life Goals like getting a real job, maintaining the job, getting a rel, maintaining the rel, being an adult, etc.

also anxiety prevents a LOT of people from working. they have panic attacks and crying every day about their job. panicking every morning. panicking at lunch. being exhausted and destroyed at the end of every day.

some suggested that high CBD cannabis can help with anxiety but high THC can Aggravate anxiety? i dont doubt that. but I always think of it in terms of indica vs sativa, and this is NOT the same thing.

well then give me a high CBD indica hahahaha.

 

1 comment basically saying i dunno, nothing helps, try meds and maybe it will help you seem like a normie.

hehehehe. i know that feel.

but yeah. valid, good questions, with barely any responses. bretty disappointing reddit.

well i can at least be gratefu that muh anxiety and despair arent as bad as some of these people. like i can actually go on interviews, 23 of them hahahahaha. (but VERY doubtful about actually doing a job and surviving at it!!!!!!). also i dont get holy shit i must K myself sort of thoughts. more like wow i am a huge failure who has wasted my life and i will never be able to turn it around, but i dont really want to K myself! but i just feel hopeless about being able to become a real adult with an average job, and to get a halfway decent gf, ideally wife. ok FINE i will accept not having children. but i wont accept getting into a rel with a shitty woman out of pure desperation and loneliness. i would rather continue being alone. and just smoke MJ and maybe bang sluts like a degen. its not ideal but i wonder if some secs would make a man more confident which he can then use to do actually good, nondegen things. the ends jsutify the means. by any means necessary.

oct 14

https://www.eremedia.com/ere/why-you-cant-get-a-job-recruiting-explained-by-the-numbers/

yeah the page does exist, ive got it open right now. very discouraging article  written by evil hr person hahaha.

http://insights.dice.com/2014/09/16/recruitings-dirty-little-secrets/

ok ive had enough hahaha

basically i was looking for an Experts Opinion on low-level (data entry, general clerk, entry level admin asst, clerical asst, office clerk) get posted AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN and over and over and over every 3 or 4 weeks, basically the same position in the same location, and you apply 3 or 4 or 5 times until youre ike WTF is going on here, ive applied to this same job 4 times and still havent gotten called for a First Interview or even a Phone Screening, WTF is going on here. has their HR department blackballed me, or is this just not a real job? are they building a pool? there must be 10000 people in the pool by now!! are they trying to build a BETTER pool? its a 12 dollar an hour job! youre not gonna GET mark zuckerberg!!!!!! WHAT IS GOING ON here? looking for an article that explains this phenomenon, but cannot find.

i mean yeah im sure i could get flagged as “DESPERATE, WILL TAKE ANYTHING” in the ATS, which is only half true. I will only take anything that is less than 50% phones hahahahaha, i will take anything that wouldnt obviously drive me completely insane and do a panicquit hahahahaha.

im sure ive got that flag at the hospital where ive applied to 50 jobs. but i’m not applying to shit all over the hospital! i am applying to stuff in my ballpark of qualification!!!!!!!!!!

if there are men looking for the “GF experience”, are there women looking for the BF experience?

well, and im not SURE about this, but my THEORY is that women who get LONELY like this will just end up trying to convert their BFE (probably a Fook buddy or FWB) into an actual BF.

just basically slapping your fantasy image of the perfect GF/BF onto whatever attractive person lets you fook them. then you fook them and cuddle with them and be nice to them and start to want them as your GF even though you have no idea who they REALLY are. pretty much what happened with the first gurl i fooked.

its safe to say if you want the GFE, you want a GF, period.

(yeah this is kind of a NO SHIT SHERLOCK thing when you think about it for 1 second.) so you are at risk. you bang some slut and try to make it a GFE, and then probably end up getting stupid feelings too fast because what you REALLY want is a GF.

i mean its not really STUPID, its completely understandable.

when you search what appears to be specific requisition numbers on a big companys job site and you cant find the job. because i got an email alert saying apply for this job, but no LINK in the email, so i search the req number given in the email to make sure i find the exact job, and nothing. total incompetence by the HR of a YUGE successful company. shit why even post jobs, they can get top talent from top skools, why even open this shit to slobs like me.

less than 1 month to go and the pres campagins are now all about Secs Scandals. this is honestly kinda disappointing. not that secs scandals do not matter cuz they ARE an indicator of Morality, which is more important than anything hehehehe.

well i mean i will accept a president who has groped a few women, but is sincere about making america great again hahahahaha. i will not accept a pres who has groped and raeped a LOT of women and who wants to genocide my race hahahahahahaha.

so what if trump doesnt respect women? I dont respect women! well, the MAJORITY of women hahahahaha. SOME women are respectable. but not a lot.

although on a person to person level, social interactions, i treat everybody respectfully, even if the person may not really be respectable. i mean im not gonna FIX them by being an asshole to them. i dont like being an asshole to people anyway. its too much WORK, its too much STRESS, too much anxiety.

i wish there was a lot more discussion on the anxiety reddit. there is 10% of the talk as there is on the relships. but anxiety CAUSES SO much trouble with relships, with life in general. well, for men at least. women can still have anxiety and get Rels and Jobs because they are the supply. they are very much in demand. men will bend over backwards to Help Women. thats just the way it is. accept it. dont get MAD about it and complain that its UNFAIR. its really NOT, because women get pregnant. now it might be unfair that women arent AWARE of this, and its definitely infuriating. and it IS fair for you to get angry about that, hahahahahahahaha.

WE HAVE NO RECORD OF THAT.

another great it is what it is, not our problem, oh well, youre screwed, deal with it type statement you can give to your customers.

im not saying youre lying, but youre lying. we have no record of that. not because were incompetent.

so youre telling me that my wireless card is just gonna keep disconnecting every single day, and the only way to “FIX” it is to restart my computer 10 times a day, repeatedly run network troubleshooting 10 times a day, and just WAIT when i lose internet for 10 minutes at a time every day and have to tell my paying customers, sorry, you have to wait 10 more minutes before the computer can take your money. nope we cant give you a discount either because budget. gotta cut costs goy. no refunds, no exchanges, no discounts, no service, no guarantees, all sales are final.

some people hate sitting in TRAFFIC. but you know whats even WORSE? actually being at work and having to deal with those callers and customers and tasks! traffic is EASY!!!!! its a NO BRAINER!!!! you just sit there and wait and move verrrrrryyyyyy sloooooooooowly. you already know how to HANDLE it. you dont need to make 1000 flashcards and study every night on how to deal with heavy traffic. its simple, its not complicated, its a 1+1 math problem.

meanwhile every phone call is a fookin Calculus 5 story problem where they bitch at you to explain why on every step, and youre not doing this fast enough, and dont you know what youre doing, why cant i speak to someone who knows what theyre doing, nobody in your department ever knows what theyre doing! isnt this your JOB????

so yeah i hate that. it is very nerve wracking, anxiety provoking.

now, anxiety was not a big problem for me for a good long while, from like 2010 to 2013. i was working an easy job, handling that, i wasnt anxious and nervous. i was grumpy and angry and hateful sure, but not anxious. 2014, 2015 were huge anxiety years, carried over into 2016 as well.

but it was nice to go several full YEARS without as much anxiety. but then it comes back for YEARS again. damn.

We have no record of this. Please reboot your computer and wait 10 minutes before attempting to use your cash register or office computers. Discounts/refunds must be approved by CEO, or create a Cash Drawer Shortage so your manager can fire you for stealing. Hope This Helps!

was this because i was working at a failing company, and everybody knew it was failing? (except for people who just listened to music all day and said idk go with the flow lol idk) the customers, the managers, the nonmanagers, the field, the support, everybody with half a brain?

when your customer says, this is DISGRACEFUL service, and you say, yeah i agree, but there’s nothing i can do here. i am the manager. policies. ill get in trouble. we cant just give discounts away. our company will go out of business. and then it goes out of business anyway through a combination of giving away discounts, bad service, low quality, high prices.

whos supposed to be doing this, because i dont know how to do this. oh im supposed to be doing this? says who? let me speak to their manager. oh theyre not in. you have one manager for 5 locations. ok whos the acting manager. nobody. ok whos the smartest person there. oh he’s not in. WHO IS THE SMARTEST PERSON WHO IS THERE RIGHT NOW. hes in a meeting. ok, then who is the smartest who is in the building, who is not in a meeting, who can talk to me right now? nobody, were all on the phone with customers. i am literally the only person who can help you, and i dont know what im doing.

ok who has the most seniority/experience. oh this whole office/location is new. ive only been here a month and all the managers have only been here 2 weeks. NOBODY knows what theyre doing. so we call people for help, and THEY dont know what theyre doing.

sheeeeit times like this i need to get out of the house. i did apply for one job thank god, a military civ job. only took 16 minutes. well when you ONLY put 16 minutes or 15 minutes into a app, thats a good GUARANTEE that you will never get an interview! hahahahaha. you should be spending at LEAST an hour on every app, really fine tuning it to each job hahahaha.

anyway i have decided to go to the store today and get a white dress shirt that fits me a bit better than the one i usually wear for interviews, which is too big.

later

ok did that. felt the need to get out of house and DO something, not just complain in here, and force myself to apply for Jobs. and not “just” go for a walk, but DO something, anything i needed to do, like get a white dress shirt that fits better, or go buy laundry detergent for the home. going for a walk is fine, i need to lose weight (not really, but i do WANT to!) but i wanted to Baby Step Do Something today.

went to burlington for the shirt. we had a majority white town thank GOD but burlington in the middle of the afternoon is NOT majority white. there were a ton of blacks and especially arabs there. some asians.

the arabs in my town, you wouldnt have to worry about them joing ISIS, but they might be contenders for drug dealing and Raping White Gurls. but i dont think they are too islamic. they just speak arabic and haggle with cashiers at burlington and grope women and probably like to drink which is absolutely haram. smoke hookahs all day and watch soccer.

got some diet coke because i was curious to mix it with my coffee.

rejection emails that reference requisition numbers that DO NOT MATCH WITH the requisition numbers stated on the taleo site! it gives a 7 digit number, and all the req numbers i see are 6 digit! so i cant even match it up with a job on my spreadsheet for certain, because i recorded the 6 digit req number!!!!!! so i dont know which admin assistant job i was rejected for!

or you take 10 minutes to apply for a job (contingent (casual) job no less) and only when youre DONE does it tell you the job has expired. thanks NEWTON ATS.

wewlad. finally got in muh 3 apps for the day. so much shit is coming up expired. or i already applied to it but couldnt figure out if i had or not. felt like it took forever. much longer than the 42 minutes it should have taken hahahaha.  in fact it took 46 minutes hehehehehehe.

kirkland vodka. apparently critics say its better than gray goose and also way cheaper.

that basically all kirkland booze is high quality and reasonably priced.

i just thought that was kinda funny. as a guy who used to drink fooking near-bottom shelf canadian whiskey like canada house and rich and rare and royal canadian and CANADIAN HUNTER hahahaha. i couldnt even drink something good like VO or Crown Royal. once in a while i did canadian club hahahahaha.

Rich and Rare was probably the best quality for a low price, shameful booze, and candian hunter was the most BADASS……but not really the best quality. I cant not recommend the Rich And Rare though. got EPIC drunk off of that shit.

actually R&R was pricier than royal canadian.

i really dont know how i got into drinking steel reserve tho. BAD idea. i mean why not just drink lots of regular beer like miller lite. well, i did that too!

maybe get some kirkland weed hahahahahahahahahahaha. well im sure if they had some, it would be good.

i guess Kirkland Shirts are pretty good. not sure about pants hahaha. get some nice Kirkland Jeans hahahahaa.

10 thousand word post. this is definitely top 5% length folks.  just ridiculous.

get a kirkland wife hahahaha. kirkland mail order bride.

ya know i am not interested in a mail order bride at all. even a white one. maybe when i am 45 – 50 i will be hehehehe.

ok moved some of this long post to the previous post to match the lengths a little bettter.

i mean i just want to get a LOT of MJ right now. like a 4th or half ounce! like 100 dollars of MJ i would buy right now. i mean im thankful to have that kind of money, but thats what happens when you are a neet who didnt have a ton of expenses and saved most of their money when they were working.

are there any neets who ARENT virgins?

well probably. what i mean is there any neets who are getting secs from nonhookers at the time of their neetness? or even has a gf? neets with a gf? dont make me laugh hahahaha.

ate way too much at dinner again. went over limit of 1200 for the day.

now i CAN get all the way up to 1500 and not GAIN weight. ie 1500 is muh BMR. well i got to like 1450 today.

lesson: if your one Big Meal is a huge meal at a restaurant, that will put you well above 1200 unless you do a LOT of ezercise that day. like 500 calories at least. which some people can do in 30 minutes of running. not me. takes a solid hour of dam jogging.

sheeeeeeeeeeeit well i found the company THAT WOMAN works for and it is pretty damn close to muh house. well i saw a posting from the company on indeed and looked at it, then looked up the location of the company. it was about 2 or 3 miles from muh house.  thankfully i never go that way.

well i am now mad that she gets a job that is close to her home, closer than the last one. and that she can handle taking help desk calls.

well maybe she cant! maybe they put her on phones and she flipped the fook out because she’s not used to phones.

and it doesnt matter! it just sucks that i still think about her at all!

because i havent found a good REPLACEMENT for the positive stuff i got from her. namely a good connection with a decent woman, a real rel. its easy to have casual secs (well, not for me) but its HARD to have a real rel. real rels are inherently noncasual. they are long term. it is HARD to replace that shit.

and i am not happy at myself, that i looked up the exact location of the company. but i saw the company randomly on indeed, without searching for it, saw it was located in a city near mine which is a small city with nothing but machine shops (and i should really get a job at one of those, but then i might see her hahahahaha) and i was surprised that this type of company was in that city, THEN i looked up the exactly location, which, because it was in this small city, was OF COURSHE going to be close to me.

THEORETICALLY she could stop at the huge grocery store near here, to or from going to her job, and i could see her at the store, because this is the grocery store nearest to my home, and i go there regularly. was there today.

this is what happens 15 months after someone you never even fooked or dated dumps you hahahahaha.

sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit.

heh i applied to an Entry Level Data Entry job which ive applied to this same job 3 or 4 times. it just keeps appearing and appearing. i apply and apply. it gets hundreds of applicants every time. why keep opening it. very fishy. this time i totally forgot to change the name of the company from my previous cover letter. (i did change it the first time its mentioned, in the first paragraph, but forgot to do the second time, in the third paragraph.) sheeeeeeeeeeeeeit. now i am probably on a blacklist and should never apply to that job again. its disgraceful they even post the job so often. i am sure there si high turnover, lots of blacks. why cant they call me!!!!!!!!

yeah but i want a company that posts jobs rather than never posts jobs, right? even if they already HAVE all the candidates they could possibly need????

that feel when you get to 5 jobs in 1 day for the first time in a while because youve been getting discouraged and slowing down, then find out 1 of those is DEFINITELY disqualified because you made that stupid mistake.

thing is, they probably wouldnt even really care.

i hate that dumb blacks can get these jobs just because they dont have Anxiety HAHAHAHAHAHA no i am just partly kidding. its not because of Anxiety that i dont get these jobs, because i hide the anxiety FAIRLY well on interviews and fake my way as being MOSTLY normie with a normie level of interview anxiety. but it is very true that blacks have less anxiety than whites. its just the way they are wired. so they can aggressively grab women by the pvssy and impregnate as many women as possible in a total r selection strategy. and the women love it.

 

ON THE JOB TRAINING IS NOT TRAINING AT ALL

aug 27

sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit.

i mean i study the companies before doing the interviews. i write thank you emails. i dress nice. i shave my face. i act very interested in the job. i ask questions at the end. what the hell am i doing wrong hahahaha. my fatal flaw is that i get a little nervous. and that i have such a long GAP. something must be DEEPLY WRONG with me. he needs SERIOUS HELP. he SHOULDNT BE working. or, he thinks hes gonna work HERE? HA! he needs to PAY HIS DUES first! get a job at walmart or mcdonalds or a shitty restaurant or call center, show that youre WILLING TO WORK first, before you can get an AWESOME job like this!

this is for that phone interview on monday. looks like the company is more reputable than i thought. winning all these best places to work awards, having many skilled and respected engineers, a destination kind of employer, that only wants the best of the best. which i am not. but i was when i was 17-18!

also my problem is that i cant just suck it up and live through a shitty job. it breaks me down into a Dumpster Fire and then I end up Committing Career Suicide and moving DOWN the career ladder ultimately. i dont really pay dues but get actively punished.

then i see all the people with engin degrees working for this palce, making 60k, thinking DAMN, I went to a TOP SKOOL, I went to a better skool than THEY did, why didnt I just get a damn ENGIN degree, then I could be making 60k too, I could have a wife and a FAMILY, and a good job, instead of being a huge neet loser who cant deal with LIFE.

and get angry and discouraged and slow down on muh job search hahaha.

yeah well today i am studying the company so i sound informed on muh 15 minute phone interview monday. see if its enough to overcompensate and get me a physical interview. prob not hahahaha.

then tomorrow i will study the company for tuesday int. much more of a blue collar place. but they are big and they have been around a while. not some fly by night arab company hahahaha. or shitty crab people asian company.

shit i had way more confidence in 2013 when i was working my mickey mouse job and was becoming close friends with That Woman.

see im desperate but i also cant take just any job because if i take a super shitty call center or customer service job, i am very worried about muh emotional health, and would i snap and quit. i dont want to put myself into a position like that so i avoid applying for those kinda jobs. high stress jobs hahahaha.

thinking about partying tonight with a valium nyquil combo. it is saturday nigth after all.

so, have a better feeling about the tuesday interview than the monday interview as a job i could actually GET. but i feel the monday place would be more fun and chill and better workplace than the tuesday place. well of COURSE its HARD to get into a GOOD workplace! the easier the job is to get, the WORSE the job is gonna be, the more it is gonna push you to your Limit.  and not in the good way hahahaha.

aug 28

took the valium nyquil combo around 645 pm, did 4.2 mile powerwalk, went to bed, slept pretty good. the combo i guess chilled me out a little bit and made me sleep good. would still prefer partaking MJ hahahaha.

it shuts your mind down, you cant think negative thoughts because it takes too much effort to think at all hahahaha. in other words it might be difficult to WORK, where you are trying to solve problems and bullshit on your feet all day. explaining and bullshitting and coming up with plans and reasons and explanations and answers and solutions.

sheeeeeeeit. it might be That Womans birthday very very soon. thankfully it doesnt bother me as much as youd think it would. one of my goals was to spend a womans birthday with her and have birthday cuddling with them, or having them spend my birthday with me and have birthday cuddling. or secs. or handholding. or making out. or hanging out.

never happened though hahahahahahaha. 2 years ago i went to dinner with my female friend and it was near her birthday and i was right on the CUSP of starting to feel differently about her. but not quite sure i was there yet. but i was getting very close.

in fact i wasnt even sure what her exact birthday was. it takes a while before someones birthday is a big deal for you.  you gotta know them at least a year.

and the next year of course i would ahve really liked to spend her bday with her but by that time we were DONE.

and now we’ve been DONE for a full YEAR after that.

i heard this song when this album came out in 1998, 18 years ago hahahaha and i was a stupid angsty high schooler listening to the weekly radio metal show. i thought the song was very catchy and epic and it was the first time i enjoyed anything like power metal.

i never listened to the whole album. i will now give it a chance hehehehe.

hmm very sleepy and tired today, the day after the nyquil. i guess thats not suprising.

cheap “skullcandy” earbuds lasted only 2 weeks. what cheap chinese crap. one ear went out then the other ear went out very quickly. one ear is bad enough and time to buy a new pair of cheap chinese throwaway garbage.

537 that is my new goal hahahaha. 537 job applications hahahaha. i get 1 interview for roughly every 21.4 applications hehehehe. and so if i want 25 interviews, then 537.

i am “only” at 386 so far.

i have been slowing down lately, getting a bit discouraged.

maybe i should contact her on her birthday hahahahahahaha. no i am just joking.

 

did SHE ever contact ME on MY birthday? HELL NO! she didnt even KNOW when my birthday was! although i kinda make it hard. you have to ask me and then mark it down on your calendar. which nobody does because they just use facebook to remember birthdays hahahaha.

but yeah at one time she was a real friend and i havent found any new friends to fill that friend gap. and i liked having that kind of person playing that kind of role in my life. i mean shit it was a two way street too, i was playing the same role in her life too.

ok  went to shitstore and bought some shitty 10 dollar sony earbuds that i HOPE will last 1 month.

listen to some of the hammerfall album, see if its any good. need more positive shit hahahaha.

was listening to george feels and he had a very sad pathetic feelsy video and i was like yep i shouldnt listen to this, this is not gonna help me. something basically how he had done nothing with the past 3 years of his life, his biggest accomplishment was not jerking off for 100 days hahahaha. in 3 fookin years. so he felt bad about that and then i felt bad too about not accomplishing anything with my life either hahaha.

well i did accomplish a bit in the past 3 years: moved from old job to new job, became close friends with that woman, pushed myself to the limit with new job, did some super amazing shit that i lose sight of now, and cant convince employers that once i was valuable hahahaha, went on road trip with old friend, fell in luv with female friend, saw 3 classic concerts, discovered trs, and then shit started going bad, rel with woman fell apart, lost job, got dumped, was in a state of deep despair for months, started a gym membership for the first time in life, lost 30 pounds, applied to 386 jobs and went on 18 interviews, got 2 new good suits. so yeah id say i accomplished more than george hahahahaha in the past 3 years. there was some epically BAD shit, as well as some pretty good shit too, but the bad shit has been what i remembered most and what i am lingering in now.

anyway POINT IS, there was plenty of good shit or not bad shit, or at least forward moment or personal improvement.

but all the good shit happened in the first half, and all the bad shit happened in the second half, so the bad shit is all i remember.

well, losing the 30 pounds is a big deal and i am doing that right now.

so is buying the suit, and doing the interviews.

but the interviews also suck because they dont lead to anything.

inherently, the interviews are a good thing and i should view them as such, rather than DISQUALIFYING THE POSITIVE. and saying yeah interviews a normally all right, but THESE interviews arent so good because they dont RESULT in anything.

yes in our results oriented world its difficult saying something that doesnt have any results is a good thing.

but each abortion failure of an interview hahahaha is getting me closer to my goal of 25.

and the interviews arent really abortion failures. i look all right, i sound smart, although a little nervous, i show that ive done my homework on the company, i write thank you notes, i am one of 4 finalists for a 45k job, i mean come on these are all good things.

but the overall general shame of being an unemployable neet bum is SUCH MAGNITUDE hehehehe that it casts a shadow on all the other shit.

anyway, point is, there is a DECENT AMOUNT of good stuff ive done the past 3 years…..its just overshadowed by the bad shit because the bad shit was more recent, and honestly it was ABSOLUTELY DEVASTATING. it was probably greater magnitude than the positive stuff was positive. but there WAS still somewhat DECENT magnitude of positiveness on the positive stuff.

PLUS, we always interpret bad things worse than we interpret good things as good. in other words, really good shit WEARS OFF QUICKLY, while bad shit lingers. so we need like 5 good things to lift us up for every 1 bad thing. defeat feels much worse than victory feels good. FACT.

anyway point is george has his more positive videos and his more negative videos, and i should stay away from the neg ones. and so should he. being that we are very much alike and struggle with the same problems.

and just like him i need to focus on the positive and essentially IGNORE the negative. because its focusing on the negative and IGNORING THE POSITIVE that has gotten us in this horrible mindset. low energy, very low confidence, lazy, neet, in a rut, spinning the wheels, not trying, giving up easily, defeatist, etc.

i listened to a bit of the hammerfall and it made me want to listen to judas priest “painkiller” so i did. i guess they have similar sounding productions and the drum bit at the beginning of the album is a direct tribute to painkiller possibly. but the hammerfall is definitely a bit more “power metal” and the singer doesnt really sound like halford. which is FINE. halford is awesome, but i wanted something a bit more power metally anyway. like ridiculous, somewhat epic songs and songs about warriors and courage and all that. whereas judas priest is arguably not very power metally while at the same time influencing every power metal band….they never fully went that way themselves, because they were sorta reinventing themselves on every album.

probably iron maiden is the more power metally band.

 

TORTURE PRON : THE DEGENERATE PSEUDO-RELATIONSHIPS WOMEN HAVE

june 19

happy j00 years eve. if you are a woman making out and sucking dik at midnight, congratulations, you are an unmarriageable whore degenerate. enjoy getting old with your cats and fatherless mud children, ya fat piece of shit hahahaha. things are alot worse for you at 30 than they were at 20, eh? bet you wish you married your first BF who you callously threw away because you just had to get more “Experience.” now HE’s happily married with 3 children and making 80 grand a year and wouldn’t think of taking you back.

Anger towards women much??? hahahaha. like i said, I’m in a phase. phases last at least 3 months.

or maybe he’s still heartbroken 10 years later and became a huge loser and hasnt been with another woman since, and would gladly take you back, even though youve gotten a lot worse, but you dont want him because he’s more pathetic and unnattractive than gangster thug deadbeat blacks hahaha ya damn dirty MUDSHARK.

BURN THE COAL, PAY THE TOLL.

ONCE YOU GO BLACK, WE DONT WANT YOU BACK.

did i post this DF post I made yet? well here it is::::

Welcome to DF! Thanks for sharing your story and feel free to share more.

I am not a professional and can only speak of my own experience, but many of us seem to have shared some similar experiences, hahaha. So I can’t really add much new to this topic.

One thing I do find interesting is how bad people are at reading signals. In my opinion, it’s much better to have an open, direct conversation rather than rely on nonverbal signals to do the talking.

However, when I have feelings for someone, I feel like the signals I’m sending them are impossible to miss. How can they NOT see I have feelings for them? So it is possible that this woman already has an idea that you like her. Maybe not, though. Just as signals are often unnoticed or misinterpreted, people can also be obtuse and not notice obvious signals.

Well, probably some signals of some things are clearer than others. I don’t know. I had a similar situation that ended badly and I have been in pain and confusion for months afterwards. Just not knowing, not understanding, being confused. Not fun!

So for this reason, I always encourage to just talk to the person. Or write them an email. Or send them a text saying “by the way, the person I like….is you” hahahaha. It might not change the general outcome, but I think it’s a much better way of dealing with that outcome.

Of course many people are not good at communicating either. You can want to communicate with them, and they can refuse to communicate with you, and if you’re like me, you may desperately beg “PLEASE RESPOND” hahaha. Sure sign of a bad situation there, haha.

Anyway maybe telling her how you feel, and it doesn’t need to be a big dramatic thing either, maybe just something like “yeah I think I have a crush on you and I was really surprised to see you dating this new guy so soon. Couldn’t you tell from the way I was acting? Have you ever had feelings for someone they did not return? How did it make you feel? How did you handle it? Maybe we should spend some time apart until this blows over. Call me if you feel like dating hahaha”

Maybe try to help them understand how you’re feeling, by getting them to think of a time they were interested in somebody who wasn’t interested in them. I can’t imagine this is ever a pleasant feeling. One-sided, unrequited feelings.

I’ve only ever been on the giving end of one-sided feelings, but I imagine being on the receiving side of it is very awkward, and we are well aware that many people avoid anything awkward like the plague. Just ignore it and hope it goes away. In my opinion, this is an immature way of “dealing” with things. Probably the pain of having one-sided feelings is a lot worse that the pain of awkwardness the receiver of one-sided feelings feels.

Knowing what I do about having one-sided feelings, if someone ever felt that way about me, I would want them to talk to me about it. But I’m not sure if I’d be mature enough to say “You seem to be acting weird. Do you have a crush on me or something?” hahaha. Well, I would HOPE to be that mature.

At the very least, telling her might give you more of a sense of closure, and be able to move on and get over it more quickly. Like, I clearly told her, and she clearly said yes or no. Of course she might not clearly say yes or no….. At that point I might put my foot down, and say “I need to know yes or no. Think of when you had a crush on somebody, wouldn’t YOU want to know yes or no?”

But I think anything that isn’t a definite yes……is a no. “I don’t know” = no.

OK that’s enough of my unsolicited advice, hahaha. I’m not telling you you should do this necessarily, but just something to think about. I know in my tribulations with unrequited feelings, I wish I had been more direct and timely with my verbal communication. Please let us know how things go!

Also, I think a gap year is a good thing. I wish I had done a gap year….or 2 or 3! I was wayyyy too immature and unfocused when I started college (“uni” as you Brits call it, haha), and as a result I got a useless degree, and have not really moved forward in my life in the 10 years since graduating uni. At 30+ years old, I still feel like I am 18-20, hehehe. Also I wish I had seen a therapist at around that age (18-20), which might have helped address my issues before they became bigger problems. Also I would caution you not to use drugs or alcohol to try to escape your worries! Those can become very bad habits that ultimately just make things worse.

Good luck and please let us know how things are going!

END POST

on a guy who works with a female friend and he likes her but she doesnt like him. and she apparently has no idea how he feels. how does this even happen? i know signals suck, but thats one of the easiest signals there is!

another post i just made today:::

I think different people have different expectations regarding sex, and it is best if we can pair-up with somebody who agrees with us on this issue. For example, I have no interest in casual sex. I think sex is inherently very powerful and profound, as it is the process that creates new life. But because it has a “pleasurable” component (supposedly, hahahaha), I think a lot of people try to separate that pleasure component from the reproductive component, and that can cause mismatches of expectations among people. It possibly explains the motive for casual sex, in that it’s something you can do for “fun”, and take steps to minimize the reproductive aspect. But even when I was younger and had a MUCH stronger libido, I didn’t want to have sex outside of a committed, meaningful relationship, possibly because I felt the hedonistic/pleasure aspect could never be fully separated and compartmentalized from the reproductive aspect. You were sharing something deep and special with someone else, so ideally you would have a special relationship with a special person.

So as a 21-year-old virgin with no success with women, I was feeling increasingly insecure, as all of my friends were not virgins, had been in longterm relationships, etc. I think I made up my mind to just “get it over with” and see what happens then. I met a young woman who was very experienced and she was very willing. Not surprisingly, I got feelings for her very quickly, and was heartbroken when she got bored with me. I felt a bit resentful that I had “compromised my ideals” and had “thrown my virginity away” on someone who wasn’t interested in a real relationship. I vowed that I would re-establish my original plan of “waiting for somebody special.” (Not that I didn’t think she was very special at the time! She just didn’t want to have a relationship with me.)

I soon met another young woman (I was in college/uni, never again was meeting women so easy!) and we began hanging out and I started to get feelings for her. I had a few possible chances to have sex, but I said to myself NOPE I just want to take this slowly and just enjoy non-sexual physical things like cuddling and making out (which to me, were very enjoyable and MUCH more in my comfort zone than sex, which seemed so special and serious! Unfortunately the people I was interacting with did not seem to share my opinion on that.). She dumped me soon after because she felt I was wanting a serious relationship (and I did!), but she did not. And then I was angry that I DIDN’T have sex with her when I had the “chance.”

Then I finished college and tried to become an adult, hahaha, and have been a spectacular failure with women ever since, not even getting so far as “casual dating.”

For me, I have come to accept my own rather traditional, conservative views on sex. It’s been pretty easy accepting that, and a lot harder accepting OTHER people’s more casual attitude towards sex. But I accepted that my ideal partner had to be someone who agreed with me on this point.

(For what it’s worth, this has given me a clear perspective on “the double standard” between men and women, i.e., this “double standard” is explained very elegantly and succinctly by the very different reproductive roles of men and women. That is, women face much greater risks/costs/disadvantages because they get pregnant for 9 months, while a man can impregnate 10 different women in a day and then run off in the night, with no further responsibility required! For me, this made perfect sense when considering women as “the choosers” and men as “the initiators” or “the salesmen.” Of course, I felt angry and unconfident and like a failure, because I was a particularly bad “salesman” and couldn’t get any women to choose me!!)

So in short, I personally don’t care for casual sex, because I believe sex is by nature not very casual, but instead very intimate, so it is best experienced in a truly intimate relationship. However, even though I wish I had lost my virginity in the context of an intimate relationship, I am kind of glad I “got it over with” when I did, because like you say, there is a very real stigma against male virgins.

However I guess I practically AM a reborn male virgin at 30+ years of age, because I haven’t had any experience since, because I am stubbornly holding out for a real, intimate, committed, longterm, monogamous relationship, which has been VERY hard to come by hahaha. If sex is difficult to get (although its hard to imagine it as such in the hypersexualized culture in which we live!) then a committed relationship is even more difficult!

So yeah it really rustles me to see this “hypersexualized” culture where sex is treated as a hedonistic, pleasurable thing, with no deeper meaning, like the “hook up” culture and “casual dating” and “chill hangouts” and tinder and such.

That being said, if I were being offered casual sex, I would probably take it, just to experience it once again after so many years. But I am confident that it would never replace my life-long goal to find a long-term partner to have children with.

Getting older and thinking more about having children definitely shifted my views on sex, made me think more about it as The Life Creation Process. I began to feel a deeper respect for life itself, and the process which creates it, and then feeling disgust to see people treating it like some hedonistic game.

People are gonna definitely disagree with me, but this is just my own opinion! I am not judging anybody here. Sometimes people go through different phases/stages. Sometimes you want casual sex, sometimes you only want intimate sex within a serious relationship. I simply have never made any serious effort to pursue casual sex!

And also I would reiterate that if you have sex with someone who has vastly different views on sex as you do – for example, you take it very seriously, and they take it very casually – that is probably not going to end well. Regardless of your beliefs, both people should probably be on the same page.

Let’s talk about SEX, bay-bee hahahahahahaha

Anyone else feel free to rant, and make my rant look like less of a rant, haha.

end post.

me talking to a 21 year old male virgin sperg who just needs to get drunk and bang some stupid slut like i did when I was 21. then fall in luv with her and get thrown away by her and only have secs 2 times in your whole life hahaha.

some more posts in the thread, by me, basically talking to that guy:

well….. just to clarify, hehe. Meeting women wasn’t “EASY” per se, as I for 3 out of 4 years I struggled greatly with that, and didn’t meet any women, was painfully shy and withdrawn. However my final year I met a new group of friends who turned out to be very good, nice, decent, great people, thank goodness. They were also very social. So my social life jumped overnight from having 1 or 2 friends and knowing no women, to having 3 or 4 or 5 friends and knowing several women, and meeting new people regularly. Really I just got lucky by meeting the right group of people! Very lucky, and I am very grateful I met them, because like I say, they were good friends who accepted me for who I was, and I did not have to “wear a mask” or try to be someone I’m not in order to fit in with them.

Prior to that I always felt like an outsider, misanthrope, loner, but I also wanted to have real friends and to “fit in” socially to some extent. Which I think is natural. I’m still basically the same way, always have been.

So it was for the first time in my life a socially stimulating and exciting time. I was unprepared for it. I enjoyed it, but I also had a bad habit of drinking too much, and also I “had to” drink in order to have any confidence with women. Indeed when I first met the woman I would lose my virginity with, I was quite under the influence, for better and for worse.

I can’t recommend drinking to excess, however I also can’t deny that it helped “take the edge off” when talking to women, “liquid courage” and all that. But I was also drinking to escape feelings of depression and doubt in general, so, definitely not a good thing.

Ideally, I would have faced my anxiety with women WITHOUT the use of alcohol, and just gotten used to talking to them without alcohol.

Well, to be fair, after the initial first meeting, I was completely sober when hanging out with and “getting to know” the women.

But yeah, maybe “EASY” wasn’t the most accurate word, because prior to that, meeting women was terribly difficult, and since then, meeting women has been terribly difficult! It was really a serendipitous thing based on my new circle of friends at that time. In some ways it felt like a temporary window into “normal” social life, hahaha. I just wish my few experiences with women had been more long-lasting!

And when I say “hypersexualized”, I don’t know, I could be completely wrong about that. Part of that probably comes with my own obsession with sex! And creating this possibly-fictionalized nightmare-world where we are living in a thoroughly Decadent and Debauched world, akin to the Fall of Rome! But I am still convinced that there is generally a lot of casual sex going on, hahaha. Stories of high schoolers sexting each other and such. But you are right that to some extent, this stuff has ALWAYS been going on. I think it is part of being human that we have the height of libido from ages 16-20 or so, and this is probably part of our prehistoric past trying to compel us to reproduce as soon as possible.

I still wonder considering all the drama between men and women, if people are really communicating about sex, or relationships, as much as they should be. I am the world’s biggest fan of Communication, I can’t even begin to emphasize how important I think Communication is in any relationship. People need to communicate their expectations and thoughts and feelings to each other, and they seem so bad at doing that!

But yeah I hear ya, it is very hard finding someone you connect with. Fortunately I have found a few people that I did feel a real connection with, that I did want to have a serious relationship with….but the feelings were never returned, resulting in heartbreak for me.

It’s hard enough finding someone you have feelings for, and THEN they have to have similar feelings back towards YOU? What are the odds of that? That’s like 1 in a million TIMES another 1 in a million, therefore, the probability of having a successful relationship are like one in a google, hahahahahahaha.

I am probably making what Dr. David Burns calls a “cognitive distortion” there, which is leading to that overly pessimistic conclusion, hahaha.

Well you try to have a good day, and always feel free to talk more about sex, or especially Intimate Relationships, which is one of my favorite topics, haha.

….
“Hahaha” is really just me laughing at my own stupid “jokes”, which I often do multiple times in a post, and more or less indicating a light and relaxed tone. I suppose it is my own alternative to “LOL”, which is technically meaningless conversational filler! But basically it is my attempt to keep a sense of humor about things, even things that might not seem humorous. If I weren’t laughing, I’d be crying…hahahaha. :smilingteeth: Certainly there is not much funny about people breaking each other’s hearts, people throwing other human beings away like garbage, people going through the mere motions of a relationship and going through a revolving door of “lovers”, etc. But I have found a sense of humor, or even just trying to have a sense of humor, to be helpful in getting through the daily struggles! But sometimes it’s a lot like “gallows humor”, or “whistling past the graveyard!”

I meant to point out that I too felt like a total outsider, until I eventually met some people who accepted me for who I was, and then I felt more “connected”, like less of an outsider. I was thankful for that, and it taught me that no matter how much of a “weirdo” I thought I was, I still did desire companionship with people, and was even able to succeed at it to an extent. And just to clarify, these friendships were not what I’d consider “casual”, rather I meant the word “casual” to apply to the short-term “relationships” I had with women at that time. And I indeed wanted those relationships to be more than short-term or casual, but unfortunately, the women did not feel the same way.

I used to be a much clearer and better writer, I swear!

Anyway, I’m kind of in another misanthropic outsider loner phase right now, where I don’t really feel close to anyone. I have drifted away from those old friends, largely due to time and distance, but there are no hard feelings thankfully.

I think even the “weirder” of us are capable of deep and meaningful relationships, but it can be very difficult to find the right people to do that with! Or sometimes we put up a “wall” which can be difficult to take down. I definitely have a wall up right now, and I honestly don’t feel like taking it down!

And then we get into the idea of “SHOULD” and we “should” do this and we “should” do that, the tyranny of “should” etc. Yeah, I “should” let down my wall, and I “should” make more of an effort to make new friends, or meet new women, but I don’t really want to!

For me, I see it as part of the grieving and recovery process from getting over this woman I used to know. She was the person I felt closest to, then I got pretty strong feelings for her, then that came to a catastrophic, horrendous end, and it’s taken almost a year to even begin to move past it, and her being gone has left a huge void in my life, and I still can’t envision another person filling that void. So I guess I am trying to fill that void myself.

It’s also well worth noting that it’s possible to have very close male/male friendships. There have been times in my life where there was a mutual “mancrush” and I got along with male friends in such an unabashed way that it might make some men uncomfortable. In other words, it’s possible to find a sense of intimacy, connection, and closeness with other men, in the context of a close, albeit completely platonic, friendship. In this way, it’s somewhat possible to “substitute” for the intimacy that you / I / we all are seeking with a woman in a romantic relationship.

Needless to say, these type of male friends are not easy to come by either!

I’m rambling again, hahahaha. Take care and try to laugh about the un-laugh-at-able!

END POSTS

well this is fookin CHEAP and WEAK and LAME, RECYCLING posts like this, hehehehe. well the posts i make there are pretty relevant to this blog, of course i would be banned there for saying most of the other stuff i say here.

but yeah the 21 year old sperg virgin did a thread called “sexual expectations” and I just had to take that b8 hahahaha. I totally sympathize / empathize with these lonely sperg virgins. but they are young and so it causes them more distress. i have learned to live with it and laugh about it bitterly hahahah. these kids have no sense of humor about it.

its just funny and not funny how women don’t treat secs as seriously as i do. YOURE THE ONES WHO CAN GET PREGNANT, YA STUPID B!TCH!!!!! YOU SHOULD CARE MORE! YOU SHOULD BE TAKING THIS VERY SERIOUSLY!!!!!! NOT ME!!! I CAN JUST KNOCK YOU UP AND ABANDON YOU!!!

so yeah it DOES make me mad to see women just GIVING it away. they obviously need strong fathers to TEACH them correctly and PROTECT them and to make sure they get married YOUNG to a GOOD man!

instead they have single mothers who are themselves coch carousel riding sluts! with tramp stamps! hahahaha.

WOULDNT YOU RATHER NOT PUT YOURSELF IN THE POSITION OF HAVING TO DECIDE WHETHER OR NOT TO GET AN ABORTION? ABORTIONS AREN’T FUN!!!!!!

GETTING PREGGERS ISNT FUN!!!!!!!

I have to MANSPLAIN this to WOMEN!!!!! UNBELIEVABLE!!!!!

WOMEN DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT IT MEANS TO GET PREGNANT!!! THEY WORRY ABOUT IT LESS THAN MEN!!!!!!!! WHAT IDIOTS!!!!!! I HAVE SUCH CONTEMPT AND DISGUST FOR THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hehehehe like i said, just going through a phase. I have a lot of woman-contempt due to the ridiculous situation I’m in. i mean COME ON. you can do A LITTLE BIT BETTER THAN THAT, WOMAN.

SHIT, BITCH.

I wish I could just be OVER her, so I could be interested in OTHER women already. because OTHER women are gonna be BETTER to me. NICER. more MATURE. better COMMUNICATORS. not so DISAPPOINTING.

I will go on the internet and HELP OTHER PEOPLE stay out of or fix shitty situations like the one YOU put me through and made me a helpless victim to. hahahaahaha.

Maybe thats the point of this pain. It might not have been a very valuable, useful, meaningful lesson for me, however i damn sure wont make the same mistake again, AND I can help other men. So maybe that does make it worth it. Or at least, more worth it than I thought it was! I still wanna sm0ke tons of w33d tho hahaha.

8 interviews, 180 applied jobs, 1 offer hahahaha for call center. 8/180 = 4.4% hehehehe.  that seems pretty good atually. apply for 100 jobs, get 4 interviews.

was watching a natgeo thing about this j00ish dr shulgin who was into researching psychedelics and their use in therapy. he thought ecstasy / mdma was the greatest thing since sliced bread and allowed you to luv your self rather than hate your self hahaha. I thought well that sounds nice, maybe I should try ecstasy, never did. in fact it might be hard to get pure mdma nowadays, the big thing nowadays is “molly” which you never know what you’re getting there.

plus I heard ecstasy makes you very despaired afterwards, a horrible crash, and also puts a permanent hole in your brain every time you do it.

well, i would do only a small dose hehehe. i am all about Experimenting with Psychedelics to try to help with Despair.

Also I think if you get stuck with some mediocre boring ugly broad, you can take ecstasy together and that might make you feel more grateful for her hahaha.  improve your shitty rel. where you are stuck with a hambeast and can’t stop thinking about the gurl you were in luv with who rejected you 5 years ago. why cant you luv this hambeast like THAT.

mckesson regularly has entry level full time jobs which I apply for regularly and get rejection letters regularly. it would be NICE to get an interview just once from these people. getting a Data Entry Clerk job with High School Level Education is like getting into HARVARD hahahaha.

maybe I should stop putting that I am a WHITE MALE hahaha. and tecnically I DO have a disability, I have Crippling Depression that makes it virtually IMPOSSIBLE for me to WORK like an average employed person hahaha.

well, disabilities might be bad. but being a nonwhite female is definitely very very GOOD haha.

Getting a job at mckesson is harder than getting secs from a woman! and women are huge sluts who give it up real easy! but not when youre a neet loser hahaha.

HEY, i was kinda a huge loser when I first met her, and I was an underachieving, angry, bitter, underconfident nearly-neet loser when we BECAME FRIENDS!!!! and she didnt seem to care. she only CARED when I started LIKING her.

yeah I GET it, being liked by someone is awkward and frustrating and you wish it would just all go away. I GET it. (I hate when people say I GET it, I GET that bla bla bla bla. Just say “I UNDERSTAND” like people used to say.)

sheeeeeeeeit.

sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit.

ehehehehehehe.

well, almost 10 applications today, so that’s good. i did 10 job related THINGS today, like update profile on this staffing agency site. funny how they stopped calling me after i turned down the one call center job. so you can still use me to get your commission! just place me in a non call center job and i will be A Placement who gets you PAID! Dumb Bastards.

stupid bitch hehehe. cant even talk to me yet she sure talks to other guys and gets FOOKED by them, doesnt even CARE that she can get preggers. so what if she does, she can just murder her baby. no big deal. sex is no big deal and its ok to do it with sdtrangers.

partially i am just JEALOUS of people who ENJOY sexs and dont get so NERVOUS about it.

well i get fookin NERVOUS about it ok?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? and the only way I am NOT gonna be nervous about it, is to have a ton of secs I guess. on a regular basis. that is the main way to do it i guess.  and also have lots of valium on hand if i ever get a chance to have secs with some dirty wh0re haha.

if youre not nervous about secs, youre a fooking slutty whore, bitch. hahahaha.

thing is, she was WAY less slutty than average. I am just saying these horrible things about her because I am FURIOUS at her. and theres nothing I can do about it. but keep applying for jobs, going on interviews. so 4% of applications result in an interview. if 4% of interviews result in an offer, then thats like 16/ 10000 chances….. ok gotta apply for 625 jobs to get a job. at like 180 so far. ALMOST THERE!

you SHOULD be nervous about secs with some strange man you just met, ya dumb crazy whore!

sex is an inherently intimate act! you SHOULD be nervous about it period! unless you’ve know the person for years and had secs with them many times. and the first time you have secs with them, you SHOULD be VERY nervous. and that should only be at LEAST 6 months after you’ve first met them.

THAT’S THE RULE.

got some over the head headphones to replace finished earbuds. of course they are cheap headphones as well. Well if I can get 3 to 6 months out of them I will be sorta happy. stupid chinese crap.

well i learned from the Mutual Friend that That Woman has found a new job after only being laid off no more than 1 or 2 months. sounds like in a tech support call center, hahaha. I hope it is on PHONES and not some supervisor bullshit. I hope she has to take so many calls she fooking goes crazy and QUITS. I HATE her being more successful than me. She is stupid white trash and doesnt deserve to be more successful than me. go fook some more ingras and let them pay for your bullshit, bitch.

i mean EVERY woman whos ever rejected me has become more successful than me, and I dont care about that any more. well, im sure i did at the time.

fook it. i just hate all women. i will continue to be in a woman hating phase for AT LEAST 3 more months. probably more like 6!!!!!!!! i just hate women all right! leave me alone! i hate them because they are pieces of shit that break your heart and dont care! they dont give a shit about human life! they throw people away like garbage, they play around with life creation like its nothing, they kill their children like theyre garbage, they do terrible things without remorse, they are sociopaths with no heart or conscience, THATS why i hate women! I have VERY GOOD reasons! or at least very good reasons to hate HER! unfort I just dont want any other women. the only woman i WANT, I also HATE. never a good situation. I just wanna smoke a pound of w33d.

its like she’s BEATING me at life in every way. can do a job that i can’t handle. she can handle life and doesnt fall apart. and she doesnt need a loser like me bringing her down. thats why she Cut Me Loose. I was just Dead Weight on her life.

yeah well even when youre throwing away dead weight you should still do it nicely.

plus it sucks BEING that dead weight and KNOWING it.

took a .7 dose of nyquil, sheeeeit. gotta respond to this mutual friend and I dont want to say TOO MUCH about that woman….but i AM butthurt! i feel i will NEVER get over her and I HAVE to get over her in order to ever be with someone else! And I DO want to have a Wife one day, a Special Woman! and since it CANT be her, it HAS to be someone else! And Im just not ready for that! I just want to work like an adult and smoke weed for a year until she is such old memories I never think about her and dont really want her!

got some protein bars from the store. i originally wanted to get some Protein Powder but it was 20 bucks for a big container. I might have gone with a 10 dollar smaller container. come on. so i went with buying 2 small protein bars. with 20 g of protein each.

 

YOUR SHOT IN THE DARK IS AS GOOD AS THEIR BEST PRACTICES

[ NOV 9 2016::: yep pretty big deal about this election. just enjoying the schadenfreude, taste the tears of shitlib losers hahaha. obviously happy about the YUGE BIGLY victory. we are going to DRAIN THE SWAMP and BUILD THE WALL. glad to see a VINDICATION for FOOKING WHITE MALES. these are MY PEOPLE and I am glad that real everyday Working White people have some Real Political Power. I thought hillary was gonna win so this is a pleasant surprise. the shitlib tears and butthurt is absolutely AMAZING, i LUV it, though wish I knew some more IRL trump fans. and sometimes i do get triggered by the butthurt, esp white males crying about how much white people SUCK, thats very rustling, but you know what, YOU LOST, TRAITOR hahahahaha. there is talk that it was WHITE WOMEN who pushed trump towards victory, if that is true, then that makes me feel a HELL of a lot better about white women. selling out their gender to submit to the white patriarchy. just do me a favor and look at how antiwhite the anti-trump people are. really think about that. there’s nothing you can do, whitey, to keep the left from hating you. you have to become like THAT, and constantly say whites sucks, whites suck, whites suck, for the left to like you.

oh yeah. in case muh READERS were unaware, and I appreciate my 30 followers, THANK YOU!!!! but you HAVE to realize by now, I am a trump supporter, I am a part of the Alt-Right Movement, I am a White Racist, and I am Pro-White and all about The 14 Words: We Must Secure The Existence of Our People and a Future For White Children. I don’t HATE anybody, but I can’t possibly convince anyone of that, and its not worth the effort trying. I mean I HATE that people have become so anti-white!!!!!

But its because its all karma for slavery and oppression the white man has perpetrated, right, so now we have to pay it back, always and forever. karmas a bitch, and it will be SO GREAT when these WHITE PEOPLE are out of power, but we gotta go thru 4 more years of suffering, maybe 8, hahahahaha.

these people are antiwhite as fook and I just cannot accept that. and there are plenty of whites who are like, yeah, but white people DESERVE IT. Whites have done SO much injustice! Whites DESERVE it! hell yeah I’m gonna check my privilege and fight for a world where whites are no longer a majority!

Yeah well I’m not that kind of white and I am happy Our Guy won. Yeah we are definitely projecting a ton of shit onto him, he will probably end up selling out and softening, but i say give him a chance. he tapped into REAL white working class populist shit like no candidate has in my lifetime, and I appreciate that fully. (Plenty of college edumacated white professionals certainly do not!)

anyway enjoy the shitlib tears, you’ll get to enjoy them for the next 4 years, hopefully 8 HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. and if trump ever falters, there will be another to take his place. he’s opened the gate and we will certainly see more blatantly alt-right (pro white) candidates in the future…..and we will NEED them.

BUILD THE WALL, repeal the immigration act of 1965 hahahaha.

you will get moar election related poasts in like june 2017, thats how far behind this thing is.

]

april 29 2016:::

i was listening to the fatherland podcast and they started talking about the Neet Question in such a serious way that it nearly brought a tear to my eye. The host Jim is very good at that, i think he was getting emotional too, as he shared the story of his sad, pathetic, 40 year old neet brother.

https://radio.therightstuff.biz/2016/04/20/the-fatherland-episode-23-the-nq/

I wouldnt mind a whole show talking like this about neets, but yeah it IS really sad and despairing and might even make the tuff marine NO1 cry like a baby when you confront the stark sad reality of it, rather than treat neets like a joke. co host and executive longsuffering produce bradan agrees, that we treat the neet question with too much jest, when in reality, being a neet is GRIM and SAD as FOOK.

but yeah this show is so good, thats the reason i have permalinked in in the sidebar. and the show is just getting better with honest talks such as this.

a 40 year old neet whose life never really moved forward after high school. he is a weirdo with a small world and a small mind and can only play or talk about vidya games. he is too weird to spend much time with his young niece. jim admits some similar tendencies but was able to overcome them and find a good wife and some kind of tolerable job.

believe me, i dont like being a neet at ALL. its HORRIBLE.

but also being at a terrible job is also terrible. its honestly about as bad. the shame of being a neet will seem like a good bargain. in fact i think it still is a good bargain. and i TURNED DOWN a job on a SILVER PLATTER to go back to another call center.

also I learned my lesson, to not even look at her NAME on facebook. I can write her name or talk about her, but to see her actually writing or saying things herself is too much.

yeah shes got a right to exist and i will not infringe that, but I am dead to her, so she should be figuratively irrelevant and invisible to me. its not good for me to SEE her living her life in any way. she’d rather talk to other people than talk to me ever again.

but yeah it sucks to have someone be a good influence on you and you want more of them in your life…..but you are a bad influence on them and they want you out of their life. this is devastating to the self confidence.

in other words I should have not gone to that facebook page where she was likely to post. then I saw the most innocuous post ever from her and was triggered just by her saying 1 sentence to other people. cuz thats more than she would say to me. imagine if her picture showed her face or body or her with a new BF or she was making lots of in depth posts like I do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anyway that was yesterday this is today. new day.

its not like i was looking for her. I was looking for Public News Stories about the Job, about the center being SHUT DOWN and about 50 ft jobs being cut in the city. easily the type of thing that could appear in a business news section. i guess I should have known better about clicking on a FACEBOOK page in the google search results.

its like deep down i WANTED to see if her name was there, and when I did see it, I got bad sad fee fees hahahaha. DONT DO THAT!!!!!

damn that TON album slow deep and hard is really good. one of their best. it is arguably more carnivore than TON but I don’t mind. also I don’t find the production as shitty as the band does. I think the production is great, everything sounds great. There is a great arrangement ear for songwriting here. great songs made up of great riffs. almost every song is coverable. yeah ok some parts are stronger than others and one song starts to drag after 9 minutes, but this is all excuseable. Pete’s vocals are very very on point. he is a very good scream/shouter.  the album perfectly captures heartbreak and betrayal and despair and anger and all that. I have just enjoyed the album more and more over the past 17 or 18 years since I first heard it hahahaha wow. I could always come back to this album.

And yeah the goth/rock/fun influences they added on bloody kisses are great too. I enjoy that album greatly too. but SDH has a real edge to it. And some argue that “Der Untermensch” aka “Waste of Life” does not fit the theme…..but DAT RIFF is so good I don’t care. plus it kinda does fit the theme. Often when you are heartbroken the only thing that can get your mind off The Woman, is the idea of how Shitty And Disgusting Other People are, hahaha. Degenerate Deadbeat Parasites, hahaha.

Origin of the Feces is also very good despite its completely degenerate, 3edgy5u cover art. the covers of hey joe and paranoid are outstanding. they even play the waste of life riff once, at a super slow snails pace, which is how I would do my cover of the whole song hahaha. They should have done the whole song like that on OOF. The rearrangements are somewhat hit or miss, but even the “misses” are enjoyable.

i am very good about going to the Gym….but my GOD are the people ANNOYING. they are not intimidating as I once worried, but they are just ANNOYING as FOOK. at this point I crank up the speed or incline and listen to “waste of life” again hahaha. arabs that bathe in cologne. arabs and albanians that speak loudly in arabic or albanian. people talking on their phones loudly. blacks who listen to their rap music and move their arms and legs in an obnoxious “swagger” sort of way as the rap guys say profound, inspiring, admirable, noble, good things about crack and bitches be bitches and dolla dolla bills yall and gettin turnt up on purple drank and banging ratchet white becky bitches and going to the trap house and smoking blunts erry day. shit I would rather be a 40 year old neet virgin hahaha than a degenerate moron.

did I mention the story of the older arab woman who was chattering loudly in arabic and couldnt figure out how to use the treadmill and then turned it up too high and then fell down on the treadmill right next to me. Now I want to help any elderly people regardless of race, but I just froze and couldnt think quickly. now I know that you should just press the stop button on the treadmill hahaha. i stood there like an idiot and quickly a staff member who spoke arabic came rushing up, and i snuck away and went to a treadmill on the other end of the facility.

the staff has been very very good. friendly and professional and I have been nothing but impressed by these decent young people.

or people with stupid tattoos, and attractive young women with skin tight clothing. they dont need to do this.

but overall it has been a good experience because i am exercising reguarly and burning a lot of calories. and putting up with the annoying people. but my god are they fookin ANNOYING. it makes me feel very hateful, like i could never relate to people or make friends or get along with women hahahaha. feel very misanthropic.

but hey it gets my mind off that woman, and it helps me lose weight, so its all good.

also I have definitely made SOME progress in the past 9 months. I dont think about that woman AS much. it IS slooooooooooooooooooowly getting better. so thank GOD for that.

im still not sure what I WANT from her. as in, do I WANT her to contact me and apologize? sort of, but I also WANT her to be with me, and I would use that towards that end, unsuccessfully. get my hopes up again. or be disappointed that she wasnt apologizing well enough, didnt seem to understand. disappointed if she wanted to be just friends, while she fooked guys and lived life and makes money and we went to a much more superficial shallow friendship than we had in the past.

i mean the shit that happened between us is MAJOR and really the only way to get through it would be to have HOURS of conversation about it, and probably for her to wholeheartedly commit to me as a monog long term GF. t show me a lot of luv and support and effort. make time for ME. WANT to spend time with me. dont nag me because you make more money than me.  these are all pretty big things to ask, which she prob wouldnt be willing or able to do.

we’d have to both get back to the level of closeness we had before, in the good times, AND move that forward into a Definite Dating Rel. THAT is what I want, and that is VERY unlikely to happen even if she DOES contact me at some point. at BEST she would give a halfhearted apology, talk about how good she’s doing, and then move on with her successful life after appeasing her guilt with this one small token.

still not ready to return to facebook yet. that will take at least a year hahahah. and really. how useful was facebook anyway? I dont really miss it. I’m kinda glad to be RID of it. stalking people I never talk to, reading peoples bullshit news feeds, comparing myself to them. I very well may NEVER go back to facebook. facebook is a net negative.

all my real friends have my email and phone and I have THEIR email and phone.

I would recommend You All try deactivating your facebook for at least a month or 3 and see how it works for you! It’s been a pretty good thing for me!

trump protestors. what pathetic subhumans hahahaha. i don’t like any of the non trump candidates but Im not gonna fooking PROTEST them. carl the cuck and aids skrillex losers. ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW. WOW. JUST WOW. I CANT EVEN. YOURE A FOOKING WHITE MALE.

shit i give the recruiter a list of thirty names, and they respond with yeah the center closing is not confidential because we already know about it. if you have any referrals id greatly appreciate it.

WTF?!??!?!?!?!?!??!??!!!????!!!???!!!???!!!??!?!?!?!????!!?!?!

you’re making 50 grand a year and this is the level of cluelessness you show?

it’s just been really hard for me to understand people making good money for being clueless, incompetent, and inefficient, in the business world, which is supposed to trim fat and increase efficiency.

they aim to do that on paper…….. but give the surface the SLIGHTEST scratch, and you will find HORRIFYING disorganization and incompetence. managed by a team of college educated managers. its an OBVIOUS DISGRACE the way these companies are run. if their CUSTOMERS saw this, they would RUN AWAY and the company would RIGHTFULLY go out of business. I hate this shit. I guess I have THAT much respect for asshole customers hahaha. i just REFUSE to scam and bullshit people.

I suppose “referral” must mean here is the persons phone number, you can call them, and I’ve gotten express permission from them to have you contact them and say I referred them. I didn’t say this. I wanted to be kept anonymous and really gave them a bunch of “leads” as opposed to “referrals.”

hey I dont know best practices in the recruiting field!

But I guess that makes me just as smart and competent as someone WORKING IN the recruiting field!

You want to hope that people are skilled experts……but you know JUST AS MUCH as the “EXPERTS!”

your shot in the dark is just as good as their best practices!!!!!!!

THEY DONT KNOW THEIR OWN BEST PRACTICES!!!!!!! and they are PAID for this service!!!!!!!

HOW DO THESE COMPANIES SURVIVE?????? AND THEY DO!!!!!!!!

i am VERY frustrated by this.

then you take it too far and start doubting all experts and start becoming anti-science and anti-intellectual. evolution is just a “THEORY” hahahaha. dinosaurs are just a “THEORY”.

but questioning authority is generally a good thing.

it would suck if trump has a heart attack or something. he is like 70 years old, how can he be so high energy all the time. I know he is in great health, but….i mean I just dont want him to overexert himself. he has to live for at least the next 8 years hahaha. he is our only hope hahaha.

questions for potential wife.txt: why don’t you have any respect for human life or the process that creates it?

hahahahaha.

ok took some time to complete a decent application for a university FT clerk job I would be stupid not to apply for.

a few months ago i would have been like noooo the whole application process is too excruciating. but i have come a long way baby. i converted my txt files to doc files this time around, see if that helps.  included link to shiny new linkedin profile.

open office, when you save as a doc file, does not show the god damn date modified whatsoever! so stupid! this is persuading me to try libre office now.

I lost somebody who was important to me in a very hurtful way and it hurt me a lot! and they dont seem to care at all! these facts cannot be denied hahaha. that is the basics of the situation. show some care and concern about me and the good, valuable, important friendship we had!

well i am not the worst neet becuase I care about lifting myself up from neetness. I dont want to be a neet. I apply for jobs and talk to recruiters and take assessments and put on semi nice clothes and shave. I apply for dozens of jobs. I exercise regularly and am successfully losing weight. I care about things other than anime and vidya. I dont like these things at all. all this puts me WAY ahead of the average neet.

but yeah if i had to do a masters degree, it would probably be a psychology related thing to neets and or marriage and relationships. all with a heavy counseling angle.

so you see why I am not chomping at the bit to do a masters degree. there is NO WAY you can make this degree profitable. unless you get into a decent all expenses paid PHD program…..and that is not gonna happen.

it would literally be more profitable for me to work in a call center the rest of my life.

hahahahha some phaggot protester is holding a sign saying TRUMP = NAZI omg hahahaha. this is literally the level of these people. it sounds like a parody but its REALITY.

literally literally literally. heh. get this word out of your vocabulary. you’ve been hanging out with WOMEN too much. fook that shit. dont talk like a WOMAN hahahaha.

come on. WOMEN arent that bad. even SHE wasnt that bad. sure she was a little dumb and annoying when i mattered THE MOST but that doesnt make her a bad person. i just wish she had been better to me, and that she recognizes the error of her ways and asks to BE with me. not gonna happen, hahaha.

fookin recruiters. another jackass bitch from linkedin wanting to recruit for a “technical support ENGINEER” who “enjoys solving complex technical problems.”  this wouldnt be so bad if it didnt mean CALL CENTER where you are forced to cut corners and bullshit people on complex problems just to “handle” the most calls as quickly as possible.

email us back with the exact error code and we will get back to you within 72 hours. even though you told them exactly when and where it happened.

also they tell YOU to be more specific and to give more information……but they are not specific about what information. tell us the line number and your computer properties. COMPUTER PROPERTIES??????

I would ASSUME that what they want is the stuff under “computer properties” when you press shift+pause break. excuse me, win+pausebreak. =  System Information.

normies don’t know how to win+pausebreak and I wouldnt expect them to. I bet SHE didnt know about win+pausebreak.  that INCOMPETENT MORON who didnt DESERVE her job!!!!! hahaha. i only learned about it from an autistic level 1 guy. he loved the shit out of vidya and anime.

MAYBE i could go back to a tech support call center later in life when i have more strength and confidence and toughness, and then actually make some good money. some people actually do make a good living in this field. like she is shaping up to be one of those people. i was shaping up to be one of those people until i had my breakdown. because of HERRRRRRR hahahaha. no because of my Inability To COPE with Herrrrrrrrrrr.

unsuccessfully coping with the natural beauty of being thrown away like a piece of garbage hahahaha

thats a TON reference

(type o negative)

see I think my jokes are funny but you kinda need other people to think the jokes are funny in order for them to be REALLY funny.

literally funny.

its not funny if NO ONE GETS the joke.

ok libre office documents show the date modified. that settles it. i am switching over.

shit i cant believe i looked at porn in november hahahah. that brings my streak back to under 6 months.

actually its techincally less since i saw some SLUT on TUMBLR in like february…….but I eventually forced myself to stop looking at that and didnt Jerk Off to the dirty degenerate fatherless whore spreading her cvnt and asshole to the whole world and calling it erotic art.

heh. anti hillary and anti bernie protesters are not as degenerate and uncouth and barbaric as these disgraceful anti trump protestors. just fooking riff raff.

yeah it would have been so nice to have a normie relship with a woman i really liked and really got along with. i have not cuddled with a gurl in like 11 years, havent had good heterosexual fun in 11 years. the closest was a retarded very random drunken make out session with a random drunk gurl a little over 10 years ago, but even that was a big dropoff in fun from the 11 years ago action. that (the 11 years one) was with some bitch i was in luv with…..but we didnt actually KNOW each other or really get along with each other, they way I did with woman2015. it just felt really good to have a cute gurl making out with me rubbing against muh d hahahaha. you get harder than you ever could to porno.

and if i could have done that with HER, it would have been even better. cuz we had something REAL hahaha.

it just sucks that she has experienced being in a rel for 5 years, and me for never more than 3 shitty months hahahah.

so when we had a good 2 year friendship, that meant a lot to me. thats a LOT to get from a woman. for me. women usually want nothing to do with me, and i want nothing to do with them. a total mgtow hahahaha.

i mean i dont want random secs, i want a rel. and in a way, i did have a rel with her. so its no surprise i got deep feelz for her.

those other gurls i made out and cuddled and fell in luv with…..we never had a real rel. I had a more real rel with That Woman. and a real rel means a lot to me.

All Yall Bitches an Hoes just cannot understand this and need it severely Mansplained haha.

Men understand Relationships and Luv much better than Women do.  Such a shame men need women to have a Hetero RElationship hahahahaha.

no not all women are so incompetent at relationships. in fact SHE was VERY competent in OTHER relationships! she just didnt want to be competent with ME! i’m not even TALKING about her wanting a rel with me! I’m talking about her wanting to be COMPETENT with me!

its not fair to her and really not fair to me either to blame it on her being a dumb whore…..because shes not. i purposely stay away from dirty whores. i am DONE with dirty whores and refuse to associate with that filth. you see too much of that, and you begin to think all women are like that, and thats how you become a true woman hater.

she was not a dirty whore but she STILL hurt me deeply. just a difficult, sad, tough situation with no easy answers hahahaha. well other than i need to be more assertive and timely with my communication. just take charge of shit and not let it get out of hand.

why dont companies give good training to their employees?

because it costs too much money!

why dont companies give good service to their customers?

because it costs too much money!

now you’re getting it!!!!!!

believe me i am not anti-business!!!!! and i say fook “corporate social responsibility!” but i say companies should have a responsibility to train their employees to provide GOOD service to their customers!

just run a business like a good decent honest white man would! thats it!!!! and that really IS too much to ask.

its really not too much to ask to ask women to be decent and mature people. i dont want this event to make me think that all women are horribly immature and cant act responsibly in a relationship.  they just never have with ME hahahaha.

well thats not even true. the sluts i never even really knew treated me more responsibly and maturely than the woman I Truly Knew did.

oh well. just find some damn dirty whore because thats all women are anyway.

NO RESPECT FOR HUMAN LIFE OR THE PROCESS THAT CREATES IT.

Well maybe they respect human life……..just not the process that creates it.  thats acceptable right?

NOPE.

because its a slippery slope to not respecting human life period. getting abortions and cheating and lying and screwing and j00ing and abandoning and betraying.

they dont understand this though.

I guess they dont need to udnerstand it, as long as they dont Act like whores and do all those horrible things. actions speak louder than understanding or not understanding hahahaa.

also they might not UNDERSTAND it but they still have a solid moral code that says “casual sex is gross and I Just Don’t Do That.” that’s MORE than good enough for me hahahaha.

Casual Sex to me is when you know the guy less than two months before fooking them. Shit I would LIKE at least SIX months, but if you were to look at the Distribution Curve…..you’d probably find a Big Hump at like ONE month.

we need to bring that up to six months, at least.

sex before two months, abortions, cheating, these bitches have no guilt or shame about these things.

hahahaha.

she probably felt SOME guilt about the way she dumped me, rightfully so. she just probably got OVER that guilt a LOT quicker than I got over the pain and got over her. I want the pain of guilt for her to be at LEAST 50% of the pain I felt from being Walked Out On by an Important Person.

not 100, not 90, just 50. i take responsibility for 50% of my feelings hahahahahahahaha.

also, if she had TRIED, she could have saved me 10% of my pain, at least. it doesnt sound like a lot……but 10% of a billion dollars is still a LOT of money. so she would have saved me a LOT of pain, and i would have APPRECIATED it a LOT. I would have been a LOT less bitter.

this was a very SAD thing and I was/am very BITTER as well as sad.

yeah i will get over it all, it will just take a LONG time and she could have helped make that time shorter with just a LITTLE effort on her part. show ANY effort. a LITTLE effort is a LOT better than NO effort.

also it would have been nice if, as a part of quickly getting over her guilt, she did SOMETHING, made a GESTURE of penance and amends as part of appeasing that guilt.

i mean if she did that now….well i would just ask her, is there any chance you would want to go out with me. yes or no. NOT i dont know. if theres a chance lets try it. if theres not, tell me NO. not MAYBE. if maybe, lets just try it. like you dont fook guys you know less than two months hahahaha you cvmhungry whore. cvmgry.

i am indecisive and dont know on alot of stuff. confused and unsure and on the fence. but when it comes to the women i luv, i am All In for Them. of that there is no doubt. certainly I have never been on the receiving end, but I would like a woman to give me a CHANCE for more than 2 or 3 months hahahaha. how can I not even last 3 months. that is a bit humiliating. theyd rather get their ass pounded by swarthy strangers than hang out with ME. you start to develop an inferiority complex. like you arent Cool or Sexy or Exciting or Manly enough for Women.

heh. at this point i dont care that the women from 11, 12 years ago are WAY more successful than me. And one day I will not care that woman2015 is way more successful than me hahaha. I do wish I were a little more successful though. successful enough to pull a decent woman ahahaha.

and i found a decent woman and we were good friends for a long time wawawawawawawa. and then it ended in the worst way ever wawawawwawa.

hahahahaha i was more than cool enough for her until i started liking her hahaha. then that was just GHASTLY and ABOMINABLE and HORRIFYING to her. ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING. thanks i appreciate that hahaha.

fookin .05/.10 holdem hahahaha. getting into the big leagues now.  this is about 2 to 4 cents. when i sit down with a 10.00 chip stack that is about $4.54 USD.

heh. well maybe in january 2017 my state will have legal w33d and i will be getting blazed all the time hahahahaha. like that is a good thing.  then i would fail all these goddamn drug tests.

i mean when an important person in your life goes away, it leaves a VOID. i wouldnt mind filling that void. sometimes smoking MJ is a way you can filled various voids. probably not a good thing though.

i am just mad she can handle a grown up job and make good money. yes it is discouraging to have women who reject you also make more money than you and be more career successful than you. whatever happened to the wage gap. i thought men were supposed to make more than women. and if you are a man who is very bad at making money, you will be considered invisible or repulsive by women. I mean she is 8 years younger than me and makes 3 dollars an hour more than I am looking for!!!!

when a MUCH younger WOMAN makes a LOT more money than you…..that is humiliating. especially when she has rejected you extremely harshly.

 

YOU CAN GET OVER HARD DRUG ADDICTION WAY FASTER THAN A BROKEN HEART

99

damn. not much sleep last night.

one interesting idea is that our Ideas and Thoughts and Feelings ABOUT sleep can affect our actual sleep. like laying in bed worrying about not getting enough sleep, and constantly looking at the clock.

yesterday i heard the suggestion about putting your clock in a drawer so you could hear the alarm but not actually see the clock. i though that was neat. you could also just block the clock with a card or something. i thought that was an interesting idea. like when i had to get up to go to work but couldnt sleep because i was constantly worried about everything that could go wrong the next day, and would i be able to handle it, and had i studied enough before going to bed, well i didnt do anything but come home from stupid work, study, then go to bed early! and now i am not sleeping at all!

also the idea that if you go to bed super early to try to get good/alot of sleep, you get very inefficient sleep and less restful sleep and or just laying there awake. so going to bed at like 7 pm doesnt really HELP you per se, unless you ar tired at 7 pm, well you veyr well might be, but you have to feel like you could actually SLEEP.

of course we all know that pain when you are tired, exhausted, because long days, tons of coffee, tons of stress, terrible sleep for days, you SHOULD be ableto go to sleep, but you lay down and cant sleep, and keep looking at the clock, you wanted to be asleep by 10 pm at the latest, now its 12, 1, 2, 3, etc. you went to bed planning to get 10 hours of sleep, now you will be lucky to get 4 and you are gonna have a ridiculous day of work tomorrow.

with someone who broke your heart, where you used to be close but now they dont WANT to be close to you anymore, and they aer cold to you, and warm to other people. hahahahaha.

i should have really tried a Sleep Aid, really just some nyquil or benedryl at least, during those times.

sometimes people say ITS DONE. IM DONE with this, and then they are simply done, they walk away.

they might end it in the worst possible way. they might even KNOW BETTER. but they do it anyway and they are DONE and they are NEVER coming back. they are not coming back and they are certainly not APOLOGIZING for handling shit shittily.  nope. they are 100% done.

doesnt mean it is right. yes it can and prob does involve avoiding or ignoring or just running away or shutting down or freezing. yes it is usually is bad karma and a shitty thing to do.

she DOES know better but it doesnt matter, she did it ANYWAY.

cant go back and undo it.

she is obviously CAPABLE of Conversations and Communication….like when she tried to communicate with those other men. how did those conversations go? what did she say? how did she articulate things? was she like a brick wall like she was with me? obviously not, she made an effort with them. i am jealous of course.

make an effort with them, make absolutely no fooking effort with me. tells me that I am a worthless piece of shit, and my confidence is low enough as it is. i do not need that message.

i will never know WHY i was so shitty as to not even warrant an effort. i can only GUESS it was because she wasnt as invested in me, she didnt luv me, she was already preparing for this day, distancing herself. she wanted to distance herself from me rather than repair the relatiosnhip in ANY way.

there is also the thought that with these kind of things, Rels, that a woman will do EXACTLY WHAT SHE WANTS. IF SHE DOESNT WANT TO DO IT, SHE WONT DO IT. IF SHE DOES, SHE WILL. PERIOD.

if she WANTED to communicate and “End Things Better”, she would have. If she Liked me, she would have let me know. if she really WANTED to date me, she would have.

i think this is more relevant to the beginning of rels as opposed to women who are Scared To Leave Their Abusers. well, id also add that they dont really WANT to leave. they WANT to be with that guy, they love him, and they also WANT to fix him. they would rather Futilely try to fix him and continue getting beaten, than leave.

ALL my big Heartbreaks involved the woman dumping me, essentially losing interest in me, essential deciding they didnt really WANT to be with me, and the decision being made before any sort of serious dating started. they didnt WANT a serious rel with me. they never did. so therefore i never had any serious rel. which is my shorthand for “longterm monogamous exclusive committed dating love rel with a woman”

i say one year would be good but i wouldnt mind TWO years either!

i heard somewhere, probably from some ridiculous woman who was bored with her long term boifran and was falling out of luv with him and wanted to dump him ITS OVER, that The Lifetime Of Luv is FOUR YEARS. after youre with someone for four years, you know them completely, you cant go any further, and the Luv Dies, time to dump them.

she of course had been going out with the guy like 3 or 3 and half years hahahahaha.

shrink said look for some wayne dyer talks. i have seen a couple of his pbs specials, they are pretty good.

anyway the other point.

heartbreak like this is some of the worst pain imaginable, the pain and suffering cannot be overstated. my heart is completely broken, destroyed, decimated, devasted. ripped out, bleeding, like temple of doom.

it is the worst pain ever, worse than derpression and anxiety and ranks right up there with death and job loss hahahaha.

is really is a kind of death.

i was watching intervention again and thinking these pussies, just quit your heroin and oxycontin. you will be sick for a FEW DAYS, maybe one WEEK. then it will be done.

try getting over a BROKEN HEART. you will be sick and broken and dying for MONTHS AND MONTHS AND MONTHS AND MONTHS.

getting over A Truly Broken Heart is MANY, MANY, MANY times more difficult than getting off of Opiates, or other Addictive Drugs that are hard to quit, have withdrawals and cravings, like Alcohol or Cigarettes.

these people go to rehab and then 90 days later they are a changed person. 180. miraculous.

90 days later after a broken heart, your heart will STILL be broken. you will be angry and sad and unable to love anyone but that horrible person.

so yeah the excruciating, CONSTANT, NEVER ENDING PAIN should not be underestimated. it cant be overestimated! it is worse than being a drugs addict!!!!!!!

you can get over HARD DRUG ADDICTION MUCH FASTER than you can get over a BROKEN HEART!!!

shit i was thinking i should try some hard drugs just to get some more time and distance!

i mean with this amount of RIDICULOUS, BLINDING, INHUMAN PAIN, its AMAZING and MIRACULOUS that i DIDNT do anything stupid! I totally UNDERSTAND why people STALK!

but i didnt stalk. so that is awesome. maybe that is proof that i am really NOT an Evil Stalker Abuser.

Although just yesterday i almost stepped on a pile of dog shit on the sidewalk and thought, gee wouldnt it be neat to put like a HUGE PILE of dogshit right in front of her house.

then i remembered, yeah, that would involve going to her house, and that is stalking, and stalking is wrong.

but the PAIN and SUFFERING of heartbreak is also so very wrong, so its easy to justify.

i mean its AMAZING i didnt start DRINKING again. and do stupid shit. get raging drunk and stalk her, get raging drunk and write her even more emails, or do something mean and angry.

i deserve to CONGRATULATE myself for not Falling Off The Wagon! Seriously! For NOT stalking her!

i feel like i have made a bit of a breakthrough finally. if i was at 5% before, maybe im at 10% now. on par to be a little less than 20 months to get over the whole thing hahahaha.

it feels Vindicating just to Acknowledge How Much Pain the Broken Heart Is. it is so so so so bad. i totally understand why some people cant handle it and K themselves! and other people go CRAZY and stalk and violence the other person! I totally understand it! shit i had some Fleeting thoughts of K’ing myself and S’ing her!!!!!

and those thoughts are painful and very uncomfortable too! adds to the heartbreak!

heartbreak basically IS a Severe Derpression. if you have been through a Serious Heartbreak that took a long time to get over, not one of those stupid girly heartbreaks where they fook a guy, get preggers, get an abortion, they are back to their normal happy promiscuous degenerate pig self within a week, but a REAL heartbreak, where it takes months and months and it CHANGES you, shit, that is pretty much Severe Depression right there.

it is like being killed and hurt and abused and raeped every day! only the abuser is in your mind, your thoughts.

so you cant blame it on them the same way you could blame like if you had a family member that was molesting you every day. that is almost LESS COMPLICATED.

and i am angry because she TOTALLY COULD HAVE lessened this heartbreak. this heartbreak didnt HAVE to be so bad. it would never have been GOOD, but it could have TOTALLY been not THIS bad. she could have Mitigated a LOT of this HORRIBLE PAIN in the way she handled it. she could have handled it a lot better. I BEGGED HER TO HANDLE IT BETTER. I said quote please reconsider the way you are handling this, i am hurting a lot, this will take me a long time ot get over, please please treat me like a human being and not a piece of garbage, please at least just respond to me and try to let me down easier please.

i still struggle with i should contact her and let her know how much pain she caused, how she broke my heart and caused me more pain than anyone has in YEARS, shit, when someone causes you THIS MUCH PAIN, you want to hold them ACCOUNTABLE for it, and make sure they KNOW THEY DID SOMETHING WRONG, DAMN WRONG.

but that way i was begging for mercy pretty much says “you broke my heart”.

but she didnt read it.

well she probably wouldnt read some angry thing saying “YOU BROKE MY HEART AND I WANT YOU TO FEEL GUILTY FOR IT” either!

plus one thought is, you dont want them to know how much they hurt you, or something.

well i want them to know EXACTLY how much they hurt me!!!!!!! you cant go around causing this kind of pain and be totally ignorant of it!

IT SERVES YOU RIGHT TO SUFFER!

POWER.

that is another question you should ask: what is the balance of power in this relationship?

as things got worse and worse, it became less a relationship of equals, and more and more clear that she had all the POWER, power over my feelings and emotions, power to shut down commuincation entirely. she had all the power and i had no power. thats what it felt like to me.

i hadnt just gone halfway. i went right to her proverbial doorstep and BEGGED, please share something with me. and she entirely refused. theres nothing i can do to change that. i cant fix that. she has to want it. if she WANTED it, she’d DO it. she did not want it or do it.

yeah having a straight conversation would have made the heartbreak less painful. less CRAZY. i mean it is so intense it is driving me CRAZY. makes you think crazy violent or revenge thoughts. its her fault because she ended it poorly hahahaha. no i dont mean that, its not her fault, she didnt INTEND to cause this much pain, i grant that. but she is no fooking innocent in the matter. 66 33.  what she did to me was at LEAST TWICE as bad as what i did to her.

with woman2012, she was NICE, she was a mature adult, she wrote me a 1 paragraph email, and that heartbreak was nowhere near as bad, nowhere near as crazy, i never wanted to do anything stupid crazy. i was angry and disappointed and hateful sure. but nowhere near as much pain.

heartbreak is like having your heart ripped out every day, all day, constantly. worst pain you can ever imagine. worse than death. it is like being in prison and being raped in the ass every day. how can that not destroy and ruin you.

this is true heartbreak.

i guess that is proof that is was true love.

that is the reason it hurts so bad, for so long. because this was a serious person in your life and you wanted to have a serious rel with that. they were and i did. most assuredly.

it is a BIG deal not a small deal. it changes you profoundly. well i needed a profound personal change hahahahaha.

so this is muh breakthru thank god. i was thinking and talking abotu this yesterday to muh recorder.

  1. to realize HOW painful heartbreak is and just accept that damn OCEAN OF PAIN;
  2. that if she really WANTED it to work, she WOULD DO SOMETHING
  3. theres literally nothing i can do. my work here is done. i begged for mercy at her door and she slammed it and locked it forever.

its amazing people can SURVIVE this pain. it is NO SURPRISE people K themselves and K others! the pain is BLINDING and MADDENING and PSYCHOTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you literally feel like you are GOING INSANE! take the worst pain you felt before and multiply it BY INFINITY!!!!!!!!!!

yet i know i will survive, the pain will go away in like TWO YEARS, i will survive as a BROKEN HUSK, half the man i used to be, half of half of half the man i used to be!!!!!! and live the rest of my life as a ruined, broken man, a Horrible Husk.

it is NO SURPRISE that WOMEN who undergo this pain TOTALLY RUIN and DEFILE themselves with SlutSex, go through a series of cox just to distract you from the pain.

IMHO Drugs would be the better choice, less defiling.

Drugs are less dangerous to womens dignity than a series of cox.

you cant get pregnant from drugs. you cant create an innocent, miserable, horrible, wretched life with drugs. that poor bastard child who is either aborted or lives a horrible life with a whore mother and a Ghost Father.

the abortion is probably better for the child! mercy killing! to avoid a horrible, godforsaken existence!

maybe thats gonna be my moral slippery slope to justify abortion, similar to my moral excuses for euthanasia.

“better for this poor child to never be born because their life would be guaranteed miserable and shitty.”

anyway muh breakthrough.

that was about it. thats abotu the strength of it above. hope this helps hahahaha how about u

i also thought, she could apologize WITHOUT getting my hopes up or leading me on.

HOW FOOKING ARTICULATE DO YOU HAVE TO BE?

she had conversations with the other guys!

you just need ONE PARAGRAPH.

say, “I dont want to get your hopes up or lead you on. i am sorry to say but we are never going to get together. its me not you. it just will never happen and i am sorry to break your heart. but i wanted to apologize for giving you the silent treatment, i understand that probably added to your pain. i want to let you down easy and reduce as much pain as possible because you are a good person. i think you are a good person and i dont hate you. but i could never like you the way we want, and we should go our separate ways. i didnt mean to cause you pain, but in these situations, pain is inevitable, and i am sorry for your pain. i hope you can get over it quickly. you will find someone great some day. it just cannot be me.  i am sorry to break your heart. i wish the best for you but this has to end. im sorry.”

thats IT. one paragraph that i wrote in TWO MINUTES. THATS IT. THATS ALL SHE HAD TO DO. just like woman2012 did.

you can apologize for your immature hurtful behavior and still clearly say its over.

come on. you had difficult conversations with other guys. WHAT DID YOU SAY TO THEM?

why couldnt you extend me that same courtesy??!?!?! just because you were De-invested in me and wanted to wash your hands of me? because you didnt luv me? god damn. you didnt HAVE to luv me, i just wanted to be treated with the RESPECT and COURTESY you did when we were friends. that is half of the heartbreak right there. i deserved better. i didnt necessarily DESERVE to have her luv me because that just happens or it doesnt, deserved or not, but i DID deserve to be treated like a human being, treated with respect, dignity, courtesy, not be fooking shunned like a god damn pariah.

you dont intend to break someones heart. there is absolutely nothing anybody can do about that. but you DO intend to talk to them or not talk to them about it. you absolutely CAN do something about that, and make a REAL difference. that is the part that gets me so damn angry, and makes the heartbreak twice as fooking painful.