ON THE JOB TRAINING IS NOT TRAINING AT ALL

aug 27

sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit.

i mean i study the companies before doing the interviews. i write thank you emails. i dress nice. i shave my face. i act very interested in the job. i ask questions at the end. what the hell am i doing wrong hahahaha. my fatal flaw is that i get a little nervous. and that i have such a long GAP. something must be DEEPLY WRONG with me. he needs SERIOUS HELP. he SHOULDNT BE working. or, he thinks hes gonna work HERE? HA! he needs to PAY HIS DUES first! get a job at walmart or mcdonalds or a shitty restaurant or call center, show that youre WILLING TO WORK first, before you can get an AWESOME job like this!

this is for that phone interview on monday. looks like the company is more reputable than i thought. winning all these best places to work awards, having many skilled and respected engineers, a destination kind of employer, that only wants the best of the best. which i am not. but i was when i was 17-18!

also my problem is that i cant just suck it up and live through a shitty job. it breaks me down into a Dumpster Fire and then I end up Committing Career Suicide and moving DOWN the career ladder ultimately. i dont really pay dues but get actively punished.

then i see all the people with engin degrees working for this palce, making 60k, thinking DAMN, I went to a TOP SKOOL, I went to a better skool than THEY did, why didnt I just get a damn ENGIN degree, then I could be making 60k too, I could have a wife and a FAMILY, and a good job, instead of being a huge neet loser who cant deal with LIFE.

and get angry and discouraged and slow down on muh job search hahaha.

yeah well today i am studying the company so i sound informed on muh 15 minute phone interview monday. see if its enough to overcompensate and get me a physical interview. prob not hahahaha.

then tomorrow i will study the company for tuesday int. much more of a blue collar place. but they are big and they have been around a while. not some fly by night arab company hahahaha. or shitty crab people asian company.

shit i had way more confidence in 2013 when i was working my mickey mouse job and was becoming close friends with That Woman.

see im desperate but i also cant take just any job because if i take a super shitty call center or customer service job, i am very worried about muh emotional health, and would i snap and quit. i dont want to put myself into a position like that so i avoid applying for those kinda jobs. high stress jobs hahahaha.

thinking about partying tonight with a valium nyquil combo. it is saturday nigth after all.

so, have a better feeling about the tuesday interview than the monday interview as a job i could actually GET. but i feel the monday place would be more fun and chill and better workplace than the tuesday place. well of COURSE its HARD to get into a GOOD workplace! the easier the job is to get, the WORSE the job is gonna be, the more it is gonna push you to your Limit.  and not in the good way hahahaha.

aug 28

took the valium nyquil combo around 645 pm, did 4.2 mile powerwalk, went to bed, slept pretty good. the combo i guess chilled me out a little bit and made me sleep good. would still prefer partaking MJ hahahaha.

it shuts your mind down, you cant think negative thoughts because it takes too much effort to think at all hahahaha. in other words it might be difficult to WORK, where you are trying to solve problems and bullshit on your feet all day. explaining and bullshitting and coming up with plans and reasons and explanations and answers and solutions.

sheeeeeeeit. it might be That Womans birthday very very soon. thankfully it doesnt bother me as much as youd think it would. one of my goals was to spend a womans birthday with her and have birthday cuddling with them, or having them spend my birthday with me and have birthday cuddling. or secs. or handholding. or making out. or hanging out.

never happened though hahahahahahaha. 2 years ago i went to dinner with my female friend and it was near her birthday and i was right on the CUSP of starting to feel differently about her. but not quite sure i was there yet. but i was getting very close.

in fact i wasnt even sure what her exact birthday was. it takes a while before someones birthday is a big deal for you.  you gotta know them at least a year.

and the next year of course i would ahve really liked to spend her bday with her but by that time we were DONE.

and now we’ve been DONE for a full YEAR after that.

i heard this song when this album came out in 1998, 18 years ago hahahaha and i was a stupid angsty high schooler listening to the weekly radio metal show. i thought the song was very catchy and epic and it was the first time i enjoyed anything like power metal.

i never listened to the whole album. i will now give it a chance hehehehe.

hmm very sleepy and tired today, the day after the nyquil. i guess thats not suprising.

cheap “skullcandy” earbuds lasted only 2 weeks. what cheap chinese crap. one ear went out then the other ear went out very quickly. one ear is bad enough and time to buy a new pair of cheap chinese throwaway garbage.

537 that is my new goal hahahaha. 537 job applications hahahaha. i get 1 interview for roughly every 21.4 applications hehehehe. and so if i want 25 interviews, then 537.

i am “only” at 386 so far.

i have been slowing down lately, getting a bit discouraged.

maybe i should contact her on her birthday hahahahahahaha. no i am just joking.

 

did SHE ever contact ME on MY birthday? HELL NO! she didnt even KNOW when my birthday was! although i kinda make it hard. you have to ask me and then mark it down on your calendar. which nobody does because they just use facebook to remember birthdays hahahaha.

but yeah at one time she was a real friend and i havent found any new friends to fill that friend gap. and i liked having that kind of person playing that kind of role in my life. i mean shit it was a two way street too, i was playing the same role in her life too.

ok  went to shitstore and bought some shitty 10 dollar sony earbuds that i HOPE will last 1 month.

listen to some of the hammerfall album, see if its any good. need more positive shit hahahaha.

was listening to george feels and he had a very sad pathetic feelsy video and i was like yep i shouldnt listen to this, this is not gonna help me. something basically how he had done nothing with the past 3 years of his life, his biggest accomplishment was not jerking off for 100 days hahahaha. in 3 fookin years. so he felt bad about that and then i felt bad too about not accomplishing anything with my life either hahaha.

well i did accomplish a bit in the past 3 years: moved from old job to new job, became close friends with that woman, pushed myself to the limit with new job, did some super amazing shit that i lose sight of now, and cant convince employers that once i was valuable hahahaha, went on road trip with old friend, fell in luv with female friend, saw 3 classic concerts, discovered trs, and then shit started going bad, rel with woman fell apart, lost job, got dumped, was in a state of deep despair for months, started a gym membership for the first time in life, lost 30 pounds, applied to 386 jobs and went on 18 interviews, got 2 new good suits. so yeah id say i accomplished more than george hahahahaha in the past 3 years. there was some epically BAD shit, as well as some pretty good shit too, but the bad shit has been what i remembered most and what i am lingering in now.

anyway POINT IS, there was plenty of good shit or not bad shit, or at least forward moment or personal improvement.

but all the good shit happened in the first half, and all the bad shit happened in the second half, so the bad shit is all i remember.

well, losing the 30 pounds is a big deal and i am doing that right now.

so is buying the suit, and doing the interviews.

but the interviews also suck because they dont lead to anything.

inherently, the interviews are a good thing and i should view them as such, rather than DISQUALIFYING THE POSITIVE. and saying yeah interviews a normally all right, but THESE interviews arent so good because they dont RESULT in anything.

yes in our results oriented world its difficult saying something that doesnt have any results is a good thing.

but each abortion failure of an interview hahahaha is getting me closer to my goal of 25.

and the interviews arent really abortion failures. i look all right, i sound smart, although a little nervous, i show that ive done my homework on the company, i write thank you notes, i am one of 4 finalists for a 45k job, i mean come on these are all good things.

but the overall general shame of being an unemployable neet bum is SUCH MAGNITUDE hehehehe that it casts a shadow on all the other shit.

anyway, point is, there is a DECENT AMOUNT of good stuff ive done the past 3 years…..its just overshadowed by the bad shit because the bad shit was more recent, and honestly it was ABSOLUTELY DEVASTATING. it was probably greater magnitude than the positive stuff was positive. but there WAS still somewhat DECENT magnitude of positiveness on the positive stuff.

PLUS, we always interpret bad things worse than we interpret good things as good. in other words, really good shit WEARS OFF QUICKLY, while bad shit lingers. so we need like 5 good things to lift us up for every 1 bad thing. defeat feels much worse than victory feels good. FACT.

anyway point is george has his more positive videos and his more negative videos, and i should stay away from the neg ones. and so should he. being that we are very much alike and struggle with the same problems.

and just like him i need to focus on the positive and essentially IGNORE the negative. because its focusing on the negative and IGNORING THE POSITIVE that has gotten us in this horrible mindset. low energy, very low confidence, lazy, neet, in a rut, spinning the wheels, not trying, giving up easily, defeatist, etc.

i listened to a bit of the hammerfall and it made me want to listen to judas priest “painkiller” so i did. i guess they have similar sounding productions and the drum bit at the beginning of the album is a direct tribute to painkiller possibly. but the hammerfall is definitely a bit more “power metal” and the singer doesnt really sound like halford. which is FINE. halford is awesome, but i wanted something a bit more power metally anyway. like ridiculous, somewhat epic songs and songs about warriors and courage and all that. whereas judas priest is arguably not very power metally while at the same time influencing every power metal band….they never fully went that way themselves, because they were sorta reinventing themselves on every album.

probably iron maiden is the more power metally band.

 

TORTURE PRON : THE DEGENERATE PSEUDO-RELATIONSHIPS WOMEN HAVE

june 19

happy j00 years eve. if you are a woman making out and sucking dik at midnight, congratulations, you are an unmarriageable whore degenerate. enjoy getting old with your cats and fatherless mud children, ya fat piece of shit hahahaha. things are alot worse for you at 30 than they were at 20, eh? bet you wish you married your first BF who you callously threw away because you just had to get more “Experience.” now HE’s happily married with 3 children and making 80 grand a year and wouldn’t think of taking you back.

Anger towards women much??? hahahaha. like i said, I’m in a phase. phases last at least 3 months.

or maybe he’s still heartbroken 10 years later and became a huge loser and hasnt been with another woman since, and would gladly take you back, even though youve gotten a lot worse, but you dont want him because he’s more pathetic and unnattractive than gangster thug deadbeat blacks hahaha ya damn dirty MUDSHARK.

BURN THE COAL, PAY THE TOLL.

ONCE YOU GO BLACK, WE DONT WANT YOU BACK.

did i post this DF post I made yet? well here it is::::

Welcome to DF! Thanks for sharing your story and feel free to share more.

I am not a professional and can only speak of my own experience, but many of us seem to have shared some similar experiences, hahaha. So I can’t really add much new to this topic.

One thing I do find interesting is how bad people are at reading signals. In my opinion, it’s much better to have an open, direct conversation rather than rely on nonverbal signals to do the talking.

However, when I have feelings for someone, I feel like the signals I’m sending them are impossible to miss. How can they NOT see I have feelings for them? So it is possible that this woman already has an idea that you like her. Maybe not, though. Just as signals are often unnoticed or misinterpreted, people can also be obtuse and not notice obvious signals.

Well, probably some signals of some things are clearer than others. I don’t know. I had a similar situation that ended badly and I have been in pain and confusion for months afterwards. Just not knowing, not understanding, being confused. Not fun!

So for this reason, I always encourage to just talk to the person. Or write them an email. Or send them a text saying “by the way, the person I like….is you” hahahaha. It might not change the general outcome, but I think it’s a much better way of dealing with that outcome.

Of course many people are not good at communicating either. You can want to communicate with them, and they can refuse to communicate with you, and if you’re like me, you may desperately beg “PLEASE RESPOND” hahaha. Sure sign of a bad situation there, haha.

Anyway maybe telling her how you feel, and it doesn’t need to be a big dramatic thing either, maybe just something like “yeah I think I have a crush on you and I was really surprised to see you dating this new guy so soon. Couldn’t you tell from the way I was acting? Have you ever had feelings for someone they did not return? How did it make you feel? How did you handle it? Maybe we should spend some time apart until this blows over. Call me if you feel like dating hahaha”

Maybe try to help them understand how you’re feeling, by getting them to think of a time they were interested in somebody who wasn’t interested in them. I can’t imagine this is ever a pleasant feeling. One-sided, unrequited feelings.

I’ve only ever been on the giving end of one-sided feelings, but I imagine being on the receiving side of it is very awkward, and we are well aware that many people avoid anything awkward like the plague. Just ignore it and hope it goes away. In my opinion, this is an immature way of “dealing” with things. Probably the pain of having one-sided feelings is a lot worse that the pain of awkwardness the receiver of one-sided feelings feels.

Knowing what I do about having one-sided feelings, if someone ever felt that way about me, I would want them to talk to me about it. But I’m not sure if I’d be mature enough to say “You seem to be acting weird. Do you have a crush on me or something?” hahaha. Well, I would HOPE to be that mature.

At the very least, telling her might give you more of a sense of closure, and be able to move on and get over it more quickly. Like, I clearly told her, and she clearly said yes or no. Of course she might not clearly say yes or no….. At that point I might put my foot down, and say “I need to know yes or no. Think of when you had a crush on somebody, wouldn’t YOU want to know yes or no?”

But I think anything that isn’t a definite yes……is a no. “I don’t know” = no.

OK that’s enough of my unsolicited advice, hahaha. I’m not telling you you should do this necessarily, but just something to think about. I know in my tribulations with unrequited feelings, I wish I had been more direct and timely with my verbal communication. Please let us know how things go!

Also, I think a gap year is a good thing. I wish I had done a gap year….or 2 or 3! I was wayyyy too immature and unfocused when I started college (“uni” as you Brits call it, haha), and as a result I got a useless degree, and have not really moved forward in my life in the 10 years since graduating uni. At 30+ years old, I still feel like I am 18-20, hehehe. Also I wish I had seen a therapist at around that age (18-20), which might have helped address my issues before they became bigger problems. Also I would caution you not to use drugs or alcohol to try to escape your worries! Those can become very bad habits that ultimately just make things worse.

Good luck and please let us know how things are going!

END POST

on a guy who works with a female friend and he likes her but she doesnt like him. and she apparently has no idea how he feels. how does this even happen? i know signals suck, but thats one of the easiest signals there is!

another post i just made today:::

I think different people have different expectations regarding sex, and it is best if we can pair-up with somebody who agrees with us on this issue. For example, I have no interest in casual sex. I think sex is inherently very powerful and profound, as it is the process that creates new life. But because it has a “pleasurable” component (supposedly, hahahaha), I think a lot of people try to separate that pleasure component from the reproductive component, and that can cause mismatches of expectations among people. It possibly explains the motive for casual sex, in that it’s something you can do for “fun”, and take steps to minimize the reproductive aspect. But even when I was younger and had a MUCH stronger libido, I didn’t want to have sex outside of a committed, meaningful relationship, possibly because I felt the hedonistic/pleasure aspect could never be fully separated and compartmentalized from the reproductive aspect. You were sharing something deep and special with someone else, so ideally you would have a special relationship with a special person.

So as a 21-year-old virgin with no success with women, I was feeling increasingly insecure, as all of my friends were not virgins, had been in longterm relationships, etc. I think I made up my mind to just “get it over with” and see what happens then. I met a young woman who was very experienced and she was very willing. Not surprisingly, I got feelings for her very quickly, and was heartbroken when she got bored with me. I felt a bit resentful that I had “compromised my ideals” and had “thrown my virginity away” on someone who wasn’t interested in a real relationship. I vowed that I would re-establish my original plan of “waiting for somebody special.” (Not that I didn’t think she was very special at the time! She just didn’t want to have a relationship with me.)

I soon met another young woman (I was in college/uni, never again was meeting women so easy!) and we began hanging out and I started to get feelings for her. I had a few possible chances to have sex, but I said to myself NOPE I just want to take this slowly and just enjoy non-sexual physical things like cuddling and making out (which to me, were very enjoyable and MUCH more in my comfort zone than sex, which seemed so special and serious! Unfortunately the people I was interacting with did not seem to share my opinion on that.). She dumped me soon after because she felt I was wanting a serious relationship (and I did!), but she did not. And then I was angry that I DIDN’T have sex with her when I had the “chance.”

Then I finished college and tried to become an adult, hahaha, and have been a spectacular failure with women ever since, not even getting so far as “casual dating.”

For me, I have come to accept my own rather traditional, conservative views on sex. It’s been pretty easy accepting that, and a lot harder accepting OTHER people’s more casual attitude towards sex. But I accepted that my ideal partner had to be someone who agreed with me on this point.

(For what it’s worth, this has given me a clear perspective on “the double standard” between men and women, i.e., this “double standard” is explained very elegantly and succinctly by the very different reproductive roles of men and women. That is, women face much greater risks/costs/disadvantages because they get pregnant for 9 months, while a man can impregnate 10 different women in a day and then run off in the night, with no further responsibility required! For me, this made perfect sense when considering women as “the choosers” and men as “the initiators” or “the salesmen.” Of course, I felt angry and unconfident and like a failure, because I was a particularly bad “salesman” and couldn’t get any women to choose me!!)

So in short, I personally don’t care for casual sex, because I believe sex is by nature not very casual, but instead very intimate, so it is best experienced in a truly intimate relationship. However, even though I wish I had lost my virginity in the context of an intimate relationship, I am kind of glad I “got it over with” when I did, because like you say, there is a very real stigma against male virgins.

However I guess I practically AM a reborn male virgin at 30+ years of age, because I haven’t had any experience since, because I am stubbornly holding out for a real, intimate, committed, longterm, monogamous relationship, which has been VERY hard to come by hahaha. If sex is difficult to get (although its hard to imagine it as such in the hypersexualized culture in which we live!) then a committed relationship is even more difficult!

So yeah it really rustles me to see this “hypersexualized” culture where sex is treated as a hedonistic, pleasurable thing, with no deeper meaning, like the “hook up” culture and “casual dating” and “chill hangouts” and tinder and such.

That being said, if I were being offered casual sex, I would probably take it, just to experience it once again after so many years. But I am confident that it would never replace my life-long goal to find a long-term partner to have children with.

Getting older and thinking more about having children definitely shifted my views on sex, made me think more about it as The Life Creation Process. I began to feel a deeper respect for life itself, and the process which creates it, and then feeling disgust to see people treating it like some hedonistic game.

People are gonna definitely disagree with me, but this is just my own opinion! I am not judging anybody here. Sometimes people go through different phases/stages. Sometimes you want casual sex, sometimes you only want intimate sex within a serious relationship. I simply have never made any serious effort to pursue casual sex!

And also I would reiterate that if you have sex with someone who has vastly different views on sex as you do – for example, you take it very seriously, and they take it very casually – that is probably not going to end well. Regardless of your beliefs, both people should probably be on the same page.

Let’s talk about SEX, bay-bee hahahahahahaha

Anyone else feel free to rant, and make my rant look like less of a rant, haha.

end post.

me talking to a 21 year old male virgin sperg who just needs to get drunk and bang some stupid slut like i did when I was 21. then fall in luv with her and get thrown away by her and only have secs 2 times in your whole life hahaha.

some more posts in the thread, by me, basically talking to that guy:

well….. just to clarify, hehe. Meeting women wasn’t “EASY” per se, as I for 3 out of 4 years I struggled greatly with that, and didn’t meet any women, was painfully shy and withdrawn. However my final year I met a new group of friends who turned out to be very good, nice, decent, great people, thank goodness. They were also very social. So my social life jumped overnight from having 1 or 2 friends and knowing no women, to having 3 or 4 or 5 friends and knowing several women, and meeting new people regularly. Really I just got lucky by meeting the right group of people! Very lucky, and I am very grateful I met them, because like I say, they were good friends who accepted me for who I was, and I did not have to “wear a mask” or try to be someone I’m not in order to fit in with them.

Prior to that I always felt like an outsider, misanthrope, loner, but I also wanted to have real friends and to “fit in” socially to some extent. Which I think is natural. I’m still basically the same way, always have been.

So it was for the first time in my life a socially stimulating and exciting time. I was unprepared for it. I enjoyed it, but I also had a bad habit of drinking too much, and also I “had to” drink in order to have any confidence with women. Indeed when I first met the woman I would lose my virginity with, I was quite under the influence, for better and for worse.

I can’t recommend drinking to excess, however I also can’t deny that it helped “take the edge off” when talking to women, “liquid courage” and all that. But I was also drinking to escape feelings of depression and doubt in general, so, definitely not a good thing.

Ideally, I would have faced my anxiety with women WITHOUT the use of alcohol, and just gotten used to talking to them without alcohol.

Well, to be fair, after the initial first meeting, I was completely sober when hanging out with and “getting to know” the women.

But yeah, maybe “EASY” wasn’t the most accurate word, because prior to that, meeting women was terribly difficult, and since then, meeting women has been terribly difficult! It was really a serendipitous thing based on my new circle of friends at that time. In some ways it felt like a temporary window into “normal” social life, hahaha. I just wish my few experiences with women had been more long-lasting!

And when I say “hypersexualized”, I don’t know, I could be completely wrong about that. Part of that probably comes with my own obsession with sex! And creating this possibly-fictionalized nightmare-world where we are living in a thoroughly Decadent and Debauched world, akin to the Fall of Rome! But I am still convinced that there is generally a lot of casual sex going on, hahaha. Stories of high schoolers sexting each other and such. But you are right that to some extent, this stuff has ALWAYS been going on. I think it is part of being human that we have the height of libido from ages 16-20 or so, and this is probably part of our prehistoric past trying to compel us to reproduce as soon as possible.

I still wonder considering all the drama between men and women, if people are really communicating about sex, or relationships, as much as they should be. I am the world’s biggest fan of Communication, I can’t even begin to emphasize how important I think Communication is in any relationship. People need to communicate their expectations and thoughts and feelings to each other, and they seem so bad at doing that!

But yeah I hear ya, it is very hard finding someone you connect with. Fortunately I have found a few people that I did feel a real connection with, that I did want to have a serious relationship with….but the feelings were never returned, resulting in heartbreak for me.

It’s hard enough finding someone you have feelings for, and THEN they have to have similar feelings back towards YOU? What are the odds of that? That’s like 1 in a million TIMES another 1 in a million, therefore, the probability of having a successful relationship are like one in a google, hahahahahahaha.

I am probably making what Dr. David Burns calls a “cognitive distortion” there, which is leading to that overly pessimistic conclusion, hahaha.

Well you try to have a good day, and always feel free to talk more about sex, or especially Intimate Relationships, which is one of my favorite topics, haha.

….
“Hahaha” is really just me laughing at my own stupid “jokes”, which I often do multiple times in a post, and more or less indicating a light and relaxed tone. I suppose it is my own alternative to “LOL”, which is technically meaningless conversational filler! But basically it is my attempt to keep a sense of humor about things, even things that might not seem humorous. If I weren’t laughing, I’d be crying…hahahaha. :smilingteeth: Certainly there is not much funny about people breaking each other’s hearts, people throwing other human beings away like garbage, people going through the mere motions of a relationship and going through a revolving door of “lovers”, etc. But I have found a sense of humor, or even just trying to have a sense of humor, to be helpful in getting through the daily struggles! But sometimes it’s a lot like “gallows humor”, or “whistling past the graveyard!”

I meant to point out that I too felt like a total outsider, until I eventually met some people who accepted me for who I was, and then I felt more “connected”, like less of an outsider. I was thankful for that, and it taught me that no matter how much of a “weirdo” I thought I was, I still did desire companionship with people, and was even able to succeed at it to an extent. And just to clarify, these friendships were not what I’d consider “casual”, rather I meant the word “casual” to apply to the short-term “relationships” I had with women at that time. And I indeed wanted those relationships to be more than short-term or casual, but unfortunately, the women did not feel the same way.

I used to be a much clearer and better writer, I swear!

Anyway, I’m kind of in another misanthropic outsider loner phase right now, where I don’t really feel close to anyone. I have drifted away from those old friends, largely due to time and distance, but there are no hard feelings thankfully.

I think even the “weirder” of us are capable of deep and meaningful relationships, but it can be very difficult to find the right people to do that with! Or sometimes we put up a “wall” which can be difficult to take down. I definitely have a wall up right now, and I honestly don’t feel like taking it down!

And then we get into the idea of “SHOULD” and we “should” do this and we “should” do that, the tyranny of “should” etc. Yeah, I “should” let down my wall, and I “should” make more of an effort to make new friends, or meet new women, but I don’t really want to!

For me, I see it as part of the grieving and recovery process from getting over this woman I used to know. She was the person I felt closest to, then I got pretty strong feelings for her, then that came to a catastrophic, horrendous end, and it’s taken almost a year to even begin to move past it, and her being gone has left a huge void in my life, and I still can’t envision another person filling that void. So I guess I am trying to fill that void myself.

It’s also well worth noting that it’s possible to have very close male/male friendships. There have been times in my life where there was a mutual “mancrush” and I got along with male friends in such an unabashed way that it might make some men uncomfortable. In other words, it’s possible to find a sense of intimacy, connection, and closeness with other men, in the context of a close, albeit completely platonic, friendship. In this way, it’s somewhat possible to “substitute” for the intimacy that you / I / we all are seeking with a woman in a romantic relationship.

Needless to say, these type of male friends are not easy to come by either!

I’m rambling again, hahahaha. Take care and try to laugh about the un-laugh-at-able!

END POSTS

well this is fookin CHEAP and WEAK and LAME, RECYCLING posts like this, hehehehe. well the posts i make there are pretty relevant to this blog, of course i would be banned there for saying most of the other stuff i say here.

but yeah the 21 year old sperg virgin did a thread called “sexual expectations” and I just had to take that b8 hahahaha. I totally sympathize / empathize with these lonely sperg virgins. but they are young and so it causes them more distress. i have learned to live with it and laugh about it bitterly hahahah. these kids have no sense of humor about it.

its just funny and not funny how women don’t treat secs as seriously as i do. YOURE THE ONES WHO CAN GET PREGNANT, YA STUPID B!TCH!!!!! YOU SHOULD CARE MORE! YOU SHOULD BE TAKING THIS VERY SERIOUSLY!!!!!! NOT ME!!! I CAN JUST KNOCK YOU UP AND ABANDON YOU!!!

so yeah it DOES make me mad to see women just GIVING it away. they obviously need strong fathers to TEACH them correctly and PROTECT them and to make sure they get married YOUNG to a GOOD man!

instead they have single mothers who are themselves coch carousel riding sluts! with tramp stamps! hahahaha.

WOULDNT YOU RATHER NOT PUT YOURSELF IN THE POSITION OF HAVING TO DECIDE WHETHER OR NOT TO GET AN ABORTION? ABORTIONS AREN’T FUN!!!!!!

GETTING PREGGERS ISNT FUN!!!!!!!

I have to MANSPLAIN this to WOMEN!!!!! UNBELIEVABLE!!!!!

WOMEN DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT IT MEANS TO GET PREGNANT!!! THEY WORRY ABOUT IT LESS THAN MEN!!!!!!!! WHAT IDIOTS!!!!!! I HAVE SUCH CONTEMPT AND DISGUST FOR THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hehehehe like i said, just going through a phase. I have a lot of woman-contempt due to the ridiculous situation I’m in. i mean COME ON. you can do A LITTLE BIT BETTER THAN THAT, WOMAN.

SHIT, BITCH.

I wish I could just be OVER her, so I could be interested in OTHER women already. because OTHER women are gonna be BETTER to me. NICER. more MATURE. better COMMUNICATORS. not so DISAPPOINTING.

I will go on the internet and HELP OTHER PEOPLE stay out of or fix shitty situations like the one YOU put me through and made me a helpless victim to. hahahaahaha.

Maybe thats the point of this pain. It might not have been a very valuable, useful, meaningful lesson for me, however i damn sure wont make the same mistake again, AND I can help other men. So maybe that does make it worth it. Or at least, more worth it than I thought it was! I still wanna sm0ke tons of w33d tho hahaha.

8 interviews, 180 applied jobs, 1 offer hahahaha for call center. 8/180 = 4.4% hehehehe.  that seems pretty good atually. apply for 100 jobs, get 4 interviews.

was watching a natgeo thing about this j00ish dr shulgin who was into researching psychedelics and their use in therapy. he thought ecstasy / mdma was the greatest thing since sliced bread and allowed you to luv your self rather than hate your self hahaha. I thought well that sounds nice, maybe I should try ecstasy, never did. in fact it might be hard to get pure mdma nowadays, the big thing nowadays is “molly” which you never know what you’re getting there.

plus I heard ecstasy makes you very despaired afterwards, a horrible crash, and also puts a permanent hole in your brain every time you do it.

well, i would do only a small dose hehehe. i am all about Experimenting with Psychedelics to try to help with Despair.

Also I think if you get stuck with some mediocre boring ugly broad, you can take ecstasy together and that might make you feel more grateful for her hahaha.  improve your shitty rel. where you are stuck with a hambeast and can’t stop thinking about the gurl you were in luv with who rejected you 5 years ago. why cant you luv this hambeast like THAT.

mckesson regularly has entry level full time jobs which I apply for regularly and get rejection letters regularly. it would be NICE to get an interview just once from these people. getting a Data Entry Clerk job with High School Level Education is like getting into HARVARD hahahaha.

maybe I should stop putting that I am a WHITE MALE hahaha. and tecnically I DO have a disability, I have Crippling Depression that makes it virtually IMPOSSIBLE for me to WORK like an average employed person hahaha.

well, disabilities might be bad. but being a nonwhite female is definitely very very GOOD haha.

Getting a job at mckesson is harder than getting secs from a woman! and women are huge sluts who give it up real easy! but not when youre a neet loser hahaha.

HEY, i was kinda a huge loser when I first met her, and I was an underachieving, angry, bitter, underconfident nearly-neet loser when we BECAME FRIENDS!!!! and she didnt seem to care. she only CARED when I started LIKING her.

yeah I GET it, being liked by someone is awkward and frustrating and you wish it would just all go away. I GET it. (I hate when people say I GET it, I GET that bla bla bla bla. Just say “I UNDERSTAND” like people used to say.)

sheeeeeeeeit.

sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit.

ehehehehehehe.

well, almost 10 applications today, so that’s good. i did 10 job related THINGS today, like update profile on this staffing agency site. funny how they stopped calling me after i turned down the one call center job. so you can still use me to get your commission! just place me in a non call center job and i will be A Placement who gets you PAID! Dumb Bastards.

stupid bitch hehehe. cant even talk to me yet she sure talks to other guys and gets FOOKED by them, doesnt even CARE that she can get preggers. so what if she does, she can just murder her baby. no big deal. sex is no big deal and its ok to do it with sdtrangers.

partially i am just JEALOUS of people who ENJOY sexs and dont get so NERVOUS about it.

well i get fookin NERVOUS about it ok?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? and the only way I am NOT gonna be nervous about it, is to have a ton of secs I guess. on a regular basis. that is the main way to do it i guess.  and also have lots of valium on hand if i ever get a chance to have secs with some dirty wh0re haha.

if youre not nervous about secs, youre a fooking slutty whore, bitch. hahahaha.

thing is, she was WAY less slutty than average. I am just saying these horrible things about her because I am FURIOUS at her. and theres nothing I can do about it. but keep applying for jobs, going on interviews. so 4% of applications result in an interview. if 4% of interviews result in an offer, then thats like 16/ 10000 chances….. ok gotta apply for 625 jobs to get a job. at like 180 so far. ALMOST THERE!

you SHOULD be nervous about secs with some strange man you just met, ya dumb crazy whore!

sex is an inherently intimate act! you SHOULD be nervous about it period! unless you’ve know the person for years and had secs with them many times. and the first time you have secs with them, you SHOULD be VERY nervous. and that should only be at LEAST 6 months after you’ve first met them.

THAT’S THE RULE.

got some over the head headphones to replace finished earbuds. of course they are cheap headphones as well. Well if I can get 3 to 6 months out of them I will be sorta happy. stupid chinese crap.

well i learned from the Mutual Friend that That Woman has found a new job after only being laid off no more than 1 or 2 months. sounds like in a tech support call center, hahaha. I hope it is on PHONES and not some supervisor bullshit. I hope she has to take so many calls she fooking goes crazy and QUITS. I HATE her being more successful than me. She is stupid white trash and doesnt deserve to be more successful than me. go fook some more ingras and let them pay for your bullshit, bitch.

i mean EVERY woman whos ever rejected me has become more successful than me, and I dont care about that any more. well, im sure i did at the time.

fook it. i just hate all women. i will continue to be in a woman hating phase for AT LEAST 3 more months. probably more like 6!!!!!!!! i just hate women all right! leave me alone! i hate them because they are pieces of shit that break your heart and dont care! they dont give a shit about human life! they throw people away like garbage, they play around with life creation like its nothing, they kill their children like theyre garbage, they do terrible things without remorse, they are sociopaths with no heart or conscience, THATS why i hate women! I have VERY GOOD reasons! or at least very good reasons to hate HER! unfort I just dont want any other women. the only woman i WANT, I also HATE. never a good situation. I just wanna smoke a pound of w33d.

its like she’s BEATING me at life in every way. can do a job that i can’t handle. she can handle life and doesnt fall apart. and she doesnt need a loser like me bringing her down. thats why she Cut Me Loose. I was just Dead Weight on her life.

yeah well even when youre throwing away dead weight you should still do it nicely.

plus it sucks BEING that dead weight and KNOWING it.

took a .7 dose of nyquil, sheeeeit. gotta respond to this mutual friend and I dont want to say TOO MUCH about that woman….but i AM butthurt! i feel i will NEVER get over her and I HAVE to get over her in order to ever be with someone else! And I DO want to have a Wife one day, a Special Woman! and since it CANT be her, it HAS to be someone else! And Im just not ready for that! I just want to work like an adult and smoke weed for a year until she is such old memories I never think about her and dont really want her!

got some protein bars from the store. i originally wanted to get some Protein Powder but it was 20 bucks for a big container. I might have gone with a 10 dollar smaller container. come on. so i went with buying 2 small protein bars. with 20 g of protein each.

 

YOUR SHOT IN THE DARK IS AS GOOD AS THEIR BEST PRACTICES

[ NOV 9 2016::: yep pretty big deal about this election. just enjoying the schadenfreude, taste the tears of shitlib losers hahaha. obviously happy about the YUGE BIGLY victory. we are going to DRAIN THE SWAMP and BUILD THE WALL. glad to see a VINDICATION for FOOKING WHITE MALES. these are MY PEOPLE and I am glad that real everyday Working White people have some Real Political Power. I thought hillary was gonna win so this is a pleasant surprise. the shitlib tears and butthurt is absolutely AMAZING, i LUV it, though wish I knew some more IRL trump fans. and sometimes i do get triggered by the butthurt, esp white males crying about how much white people SUCK, thats very rustling, but you know what, YOU LOST, TRAITOR hahahahaha. there is talk that it was WHITE WOMEN who pushed trump towards victory, if that is true, then that makes me feel a HELL of a lot better about white women. selling out their gender to submit to the white patriarchy. just do me a favor and look at how antiwhite the anti-trump people are. really think about that. there’s nothing you can do, whitey, to keep the left from hating you. you have to become like THAT, and constantly say whites sucks, whites suck, whites suck, for the left to like you.

oh yeah. in case muh READERS were unaware, and I appreciate my 30 followers, THANK YOU!!!! but you HAVE to realize by now, I am a trump supporter, I am a part of the Alt-Right Movement, I am a White Racist, and I am Pro-White and all about The 14 Words: We Must Secure The Existence of Our People and a Future For White Children. I don’t HATE anybody, but I can’t possibly convince anyone of that, and its not worth the effort trying. I mean I HATE that people have become so anti-white!!!!!

But its because its all karma for slavery and oppression the white man has perpetrated, right, so now we have to pay it back, always and forever. karmas a bitch, and it will be SO GREAT when these WHITE PEOPLE are out of power, but we gotta go thru 4 more years of suffering, maybe 8, hahahahaha.

these people are antiwhite as fook and I just cannot accept that. and there are plenty of whites who are like, yeah, but white people DESERVE IT. Whites have done SO much injustice! Whites DESERVE it! hell yeah I’m gonna check my privilege and fight for a world where whites are no longer a majority!

Yeah well I’m not that kind of white and I am happy Our Guy won. Yeah we are definitely projecting a ton of shit onto him, he will probably end up selling out and softening, but i say give him a chance. he tapped into REAL white working class populist shit like no candidate has in my lifetime, and I appreciate that fully. (Plenty of college edumacated white professionals certainly do not!)

anyway enjoy the shitlib tears, you’ll get to enjoy them for the next 4 years, hopefully 8 HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. and if trump ever falters, there will be another to take his place. he’s opened the gate and we will certainly see more blatantly alt-right (pro white) candidates in the future…..and we will NEED them.

BUILD THE WALL, repeal the immigration act of 1965 hahahaha.

you will get moar election related poasts in like june 2017, thats how far behind this thing is.

]

april 29 2016:::

i was listening to the fatherland podcast and they started talking about the Neet Question in such a serious way that it nearly brought a tear to my eye. The host Jim is very good at that, i think he was getting emotional too, as he shared the story of his sad, pathetic, 40 year old neet brother.

https://radio.therightstuff.biz/2016/04/20/the-fatherland-episode-23-the-nq/

I wouldnt mind a whole show talking like this about neets, but yeah it IS really sad and despairing and might even make the tuff marine NO1 cry like a baby when you confront the stark sad reality of it, rather than treat neets like a joke. co host and executive longsuffering produce bradan agrees, that we treat the neet question with too much jest, when in reality, being a neet is GRIM and SAD as FOOK.

but yeah this show is so good, thats the reason i have permalinked in in the sidebar. and the show is just getting better with honest talks such as this.

a 40 year old neet whose life never really moved forward after high school. he is a weirdo with a small world and a small mind and can only play or talk about vidya games. he is too weird to spend much time with his young niece. jim admits some similar tendencies but was able to overcome them and find a good wife and some kind of tolerable job.

believe me, i dont like being a neet at ALL. its HORRIBLE.

but also being at a terrible job is also terrible. its honestly about as bad. the shame of being a neet will seem like a good bargain. in fact i think it still is a good bargain. and i TURNED DOWN a job on a SILVER PLATTER to go back to another call center.

also I learned my lesson, to not even look at her NAME on facebook. I can write her name or talk about her, but to see her actually writing or saying things herself is too much.

yeah shes got a right to exist and i will not infringe that, but I am dead to her, so she should be figuratively irrelevant and invisible to me. its not good for me to SEE her living her life in any way. she’d rather talk to other people than talk to me ever again.

but yeah it sucks to have someone be a good influence on you and you want more of them in your life…..but you are a bad influence on them and they want you out of their life. this is devastating to the self confidence.

in other words I should have not gone to that facebook page where she was likely to post. then I saw the most innocuous post ever from her and was triggered just by her saying 1 sentence to other people. cuz thats more than she would say to me. imagine if her picture showed her face or body or her with a new BF or she was making lots of in depth posts like I do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anyway that was yesterday this is today. new day.

its not like i was looking for her. I was looking for Public News Stories about the Job, about the center being SHUT DOWN and about 50 ft jobs being cut in the city. easily the type of thing that could appear in a business news section. i guess I should have known better about clicking on a FACEBOOK page in the google search results.

its like deep down i WANTED to see if her name was there, and when I did see it, I got bad sad fee fees hahahaha. DONT DO THAT!!!!!

damn that TON album slow deep and hard is really good. one of their best. it is arguably more carnivore than TON but I don’t mind. also I don’t find the production as shitty as the band does. I think the production is great, everything sounds great. There is a great arrangement ear for songwriting here. great songs made up of great riffs. almost every song is coverable. yeah ok some parts are stronger than others and one song starts to drag after 9 minutes, but this is all excuseable. Pete’s vocals are very very on point. he is a very good scream/shouter.  the album perfectly captures heartbreak and betrayal and despair and anger and all that. I have just enjoyed the album more and more over the past 17 or 18 years since I first heard it hahahaha wow. I could always come back to this album.

And yeah the goth/rock/fun influences they added on bloody kisses are great too. I enjoy that album greatly too. but SDH has a real edge to it. And some argue that “Der Untermensch” aka “Waste of Life” does not fit the theme…..but DAT RIFF is so good I don’t care. plus it kinda does fit the theme. Often when you are heartbroken the only thing that can get your mind off The Woman, is the idea of how Shitty And Disgusting Other People are, hahaha. Degenerate Deadbeat Parasites, hahaha.

Origin of the Feces is also very good despite its completely degenerate, 3edgy5u cover art. the covers of hey joe and paranoid are outstanding. they even play the waste of life riff once, at a super slow snails pace, which is how I would do my cover of the whole song hahaha. They should have done the whole song like that on OOF. The rearrangements are somewhat hit or miss, but even the “misses” are enjoyable.

i am very good about going to the Gym….but my GOD are the people ANNOYING. they are not intimidating as I once worried, but they are just ANNOYING as FOOK. at this point I crank up the speed or incline and listen to “waste of life” again hahaha. arabs that bathe in cologne. arabs and albanians that speak loudly in arabic or albanian. people talking on their phones loudly. blacks who listen to their rap music and move their arms and legs in an obnoxious “swagger” sort of way as the rap guys say profound, inspiring, admirable, noble, good things about crack and bitches be bitches and dolla dolla bills yall and gettin turnt up on purple drank and banging ratchet white becky bitches and going to the trap house and smoking blunts erry day. shit I would rather be a 40 year old neet virgin hahaha than a degenerate moron.

did I mention the story of the older arab woman who was chattering loudly in arabic and couldnt figure out how to use the treadmill and then turned it up too high and then fell down on the treadmill right next to me. Now I want to help any elderly people regardless of race, but I just froze and couldnt think quickly. now I know that you should just press the stop button on the treadmill hahaha. i stood there like an idiot and quickly a staff member who spoke arabic came rushing up, and i snuck away and went to a treadmill on the other end of the facility.

the staff has been very very good. friendly and professional and I have been nothing but impressed by these decent young people.

or people with stupid tattoos, and attractive young women with skin tight clothing. they dont need to do this.

but overall it has been a good experience because i am exercising reguarly and burning a lot of calories. and putting up with the annoying people. but my god are they fookin ANNOYING. it makes me feel very hateful, like i could never relate to people or make friends or get along with women hahahaha. feel very misanthropic.

but hey it gets my mind off that woman, and it helps me lose weight, so its all good.

also I have definitely made SOME progress in the past 9 months. I dont think about that woman AS much. it IS slooooooooooooooooooowly getting better. so thank GOD for that.

im still not sure what I WANT from her. as in, do I WANT her to contact me and apologize? sort of, but I also WANT her to be with me, and I would use that towards that end, unsuccessfully. get my hopes up again. or be disappointed that she wasnt apologizing well enough, didnt seem to understand. disappointed if she wanted to be just friends, while she fooked guys and lived life and makes money and we went to a much more superficial shallow friendship than we had in the past.

i mean the shit that happened between us is MAJOR and really the only way to get through it would be to have HOURS of conversation about it, and probably for her to wholeheartedly commit to me as a monog long term GF. t show me a lot of luv and support and effort. make time for ME. WANT to spend time with me. dont nag me because you make more money than me.  these are all pretty big things to ask, which she prob wouldnt be willing or able to do.

we’d have to both get back to the level of closeness we had before, in the good times, AND move that forward into a Definite Dating Rel. THAT is what I want, and that is VERY unlikely to happen even if she DOES contact me at some point. at BEST she would give a halfhearted apology, talk about how good she’s doing, and then move on with her successful life after appeasing her guilt with this one small token.

still not ready to return to facebook yet. that will take at least a year hahahah. and really. how useful was facebook anyway? I dont really miss it. I’m kinda glad to be RID of it. stalking people I never talk to, reading peoples bullshit news feeds, comparing myself to them. I very well may NEVER go back to facebook. facebook is a net negative.

all my real friends have my email and phone and I have THEIR email and phone.

I would recommend You All try deactivating your facebook for at least a month or 3 and see how it works for you! It’s been a pretty good thing for me!

trump protestors. what pathetic subhumans hahahaha. i don’t like any of the non trump candidates but Im not gonna fooking PROTEST them. carl the cuck and aids skrillex losers. ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW. WOW. JUST WOW. I CANT EVEN. YOURE A FOOKING WHITE MALE.

shit i give the recruiter a list of thirty names, and they respond with yeah the center closing is not confidential because we already know about it. if you have any referrals id greatly appreciate it.

WTF?!??!?!?!?!?!??!??!!!????!!!???!!!???!!!??!?!?!?!????!!?!?!

you’re making 50 grand a year and this is the level of cluelessness you show?

it’s just been really hard for me to understand people making good money for being clueless, incompetent, and inefficient, in the business world, which is supposed to trim fat and increase efficiency.

they aim to do that on paper…….. but give the surface the SLIGHTEST scratch, and you will find HORRIFYING disorganization and incompetence. managed by a team of college educated managers. its an OBVIOUS DISGRACE the way these companies are run. if their CUSTOMERS saw this, they would RUN AWAY and the company would RIGHTFULLY go out of business. I hate this shit. I guess I have THAT much respect for asshole customers hahaha. i just REFUSE to scam and bullshit people.

I suppose “referral” must mean here is the persons phone number, you can call them, and I’ve gotten express permission from them to have you contact them and say I referred them. I didn’t say this. I wanted to be kept anonymous and really gave them a bunch of “leads” as opposed to “referrals.”

hey I dont know best practices in the recruiting field!

But I guess that makes me just as smart and competent as someone WORKING IN the recruiting field!

You want to hope that people are skilled experts……but you know JUST AS MUCH as the “EXPERTS!”

your shot in the dark is just as good as their best practices!!!!!!!

THEY DONT KNOW THEIR OWN BEST PRACTICES!!!!!!! and they are PAID for this service!!!!!!!

HOW DO THESE COMPANIES SURVIVE?????? AND THEY DO!!!!!!!!

i am VERY frustrated by this.

then you take it too far and start doubting all experts and start becoming anti-science and anti-intellectual. evolution is just a “THEORY” hahahaha. dinosaurs are just a “THEORY”.

but questioning authority is generally a good thing.

it would suck if trump has a heart attack or something. he is like 70 years old, how can he be so high energy all the time. I know he is in great health, but….i mean I just dont want him to overexert himself. he has to live for at least the next 8 years hahaha. he is our only hope hahaha.

questions for potential wife.txt: why don’t you have any respect for human life or the process that creates it?

hahahahaha.

ok took some time to complete a decent application for a university FT clerk job I would be stupid not to apply for.

a few months ago i would have been like noooo the whole application process is too excruciating. but i have come a long way baby. i converted my txt files to doc files this time around, see if that helps.  included link to shiny new linkedin profile.

open office, when you save as a doc file, does not show the god damn date modified whatsoever! so stupid! this is persuading me to try libre office now.

I lost somebody who was important to me in a very hurtful way and it hurt me a lot! and they dont seem to care at all! these facts cannot be denied hahaha. that is the basics of the situation. show some care and concern about me and the good, valuable, important friendship we had!

well i am not the worst neet becuase I care about lifting myself up from neetness. I dont want to be a neet. I apply for jobs and talk to recruiters and take assessments and put on semi nice clothes and shave. I apply for dozens of jobs. I exercise regularly and am successfully losing weight. I care about things other than anime and vidya. I dont like these things at all. all this puts me WAY ahead of the average neet.

but yeah if i had to do a masters degree, it would probably be a psychology related thing to neets and or marriage and relationships. all with a heavy counseling angle.

so you see why I am not chomping at the bit to do a masters degree. there is NO WAY you can make this degree profitable. unless you get into a decent all expenses paid PHD program…..and that is not gonna happen.

it would literally be more profitable for me to work in a call center the rest of my life.

hahahahha some phaggot protester is holding a sign saying TRUMP = NAZI omg hahahaha. this is literally the level of these people. it sounds like a parody but its REALITY.

literally literally literally. heh. get this word out of your vocabulary. you’ve been hanging out with WOMEN too much. fook that shit. dont talk like a WOMAN hahahaha.

come on. WOMEN arent that bad. even SHE wasnt that bad. sure she was a little dumb and annoying when i mattered THE MOST but that doesnt make her a bad person. i just wish she had been better to me, and that she recognizes the error of her ways and asks to BE with me. not gonna happen, hahaha.

fookin recruiters. another jackass bitch from linkedin wanting to recruit for a “technical support ENGINEER” who “enjoys solving complex technical problems.”  this wouldnt be so bad if it didnt mean CALL CENTER where you are forced to cut corners and bullshit people on complex problems just to “handle” the most calls as quickly as possible.

email us back with the exact error code and we will get back to you within 72 hours. even though you told them exactly when and where it happened.

also they tell YOU to be more specific and to give more information……but they are not specific about what information. tell us the line number and your computer properties. COMPUTER PROPERTIES??????

I would ASSUME that what they want is the stuff under “computer properties” when you press shift+pause break. excuse me, win+pausebreak. =  System Information.

normies don’t know how to win+pausebreak and I wouldnt expect them to. I bet SHE didnt know about win+pausebreak.  that INCOMPETENT MORON who didnt DESERVE her job!!!!! hahaha. i only learned about it from an autistic level 1 guy. he loved the shit out of vidya and anime.

MAYBE i could go back to a tech support call center later in life when i have more strength and confidence and toughness, and then actually make some good money. some people actually do make a good living in this field. like she is shaping up to be one of those people. i was shaping up to be one of those people until i had my breakdown. because of HERRRRRRR hahahaha. no because of my Inability To COPE with Herrrrrrrrrrr.

unsuccessfully coping with the natural beauty of being thrown away like a piece of garbage hahahaha

thats a TON reference

(type o negative)

see I think my jokes are funny but you kinda need other people to think the jokes are funny in order for them to be REALLY funny.

literally funny.

its not funny if NO ONE GETS the joke.

ok libre office documents show the date modified. that settles it. i am switching over.

shit i cant believe i looked at porn in november hahahah. that brings my streak back to under 6 months.

actually its techincally less since i saw some SLUT on TUMBLR in like february…….but I eventually forced myself to stop looking at that and didnt Jerk Off to the dirty degenerate fatherless whore spreading her cvnt and asshole to the whole world and calling it erotic art.

heh. anti hillary and anti bernie protesters are not as degenerate and uncouth and barbaric as these disgraceful anti trump protestors. just fooking riff raff.

yeah it would have been so nice to have a normie relship with a woman i really liked and really got along with. i have not cuddled with a gurl in like 11 years, havent had good heterosexual fun in 11 years. the closest was a retarded very random drunken make out session with a random drunk gurl a little over 10 years ago, but even that was a big dropoff in fun from the 11 years ago action. that (the 11 years one) was with some bitch i was in luv with…..but we didnt actually KNOW each other or really get along with each other, they way I did with woman2015. it just felt really good to have a cute gurl making out with me rubbing against muh d hahahaha. you get harder than you ever could to porno.

and if i could have done that with HER, it would have been even better. cuz we had something REAL hahaha.

it just sucks that she has experienced being in a rel for 5 years, and me for never more than 3 shitty months hahahah.

so when we had a good 2 year friendship, that meant a lot to me. thats a LOT to get from a woman. for me. women usually want nothing to do with me, and i want nothing to do with them. a total mgtow hahahaha.

i mean i dont want random secs, i want a rel. and in a way, i did have a rel with her. so its no surprise i got deep feelz for her.

those other gurls i made out and cuddled and fell in luv with…..we never had a real rel. I had a more real rel with That Woman. and a real rel means a lot to me.

All Yall Bitches an Hoes just cannot understand this and need it severely Mansplained haha.

Men understand Relationships and Luv much better than Women do.  Such a shame men need women to have a Hetero RElationship hahahahaha.

no not all women are so incompetent at relationships. in fact SHE was VERY competent in OTHER relationships! she just didnt want to be competent with ME! i’m not even TALKING about her wanting a rel with me! I’m talking about her wanting to be COMPETENT with me!

its not fair to her and really not fair to me either to blame it on her being a dumb whore…..because shes not. i purposely stay away from dirty whores. i am DONE with dirty whores and refuse to associate with that filth. you see too much of that, and you begin to think all women are like that, and thats how you become a true woman hater.

she was not a dirty whore but she STILL hurt me deeply. just a difficult, sad, tough situation with no easy answers hahahaha. well other than i need to be more assertive and timely with my communication. just take charge of shit and not let it get out of hand.

why dont companies give good training to their employees?

because it costs too much money!

why dont companies give good service to their customers?

because it costs too much money!

now you’re getting it!!!!!!

believe me i am not anti-business!!!!! and i say fook “corporate social responsibility!” but i say companies should have a responsibility to train their employees to provide GOOD service to their customers!

just run a business like a good decent honest white man would! thats it!!!! and that really IS too much to ask.

its really not too much to ask to ask women to be decent and mature people. i dont want this event to make me think that all women are horribly immature and cant act responsibly in a relationship.  they just never have with ME hahahaha.

well thats not even true. the sluts i never even really knew treated me more responsibly and maturely than the woman I Truly Knew did.

oh well. just find some damn dirty whore because thats all women are anyway.

NO RESPECT FOR HUMAN LIFE OR THE PROCESS THAT CREATES IT.

Well maybe they respect human life……..just not the process that creates it.  thats acceptable right?

NOPE.

because its a slippery slope to not respecting human life period. getting abortions and cheating and lying and screwing and j00ing and abandoning and betraying.

they dont understand this though.

I guess they dont need to udnerstand it, as long as they dont Act like whores and do all those horrible things. actions speak louder than understanding or not understanding hahahaa.

also they might not UNDERSTAND it but they still have a solid moral code that says “casual sex is gross and I Just Don’t Do That.” that’s MORE than good enough for me hahahaha.

Casual Sex to me is when you know the guy less than two months before fooking them. Shit I would LIKE at least SIX months, but if you were to look at the Distribution Curve…..you’d probably find a Big Hump at like ONE month.

we need to bring that up to six months, at least.

sex before two months, abortions, cheating, these bitches have no guilt or shame about these things.

hahahaha.

she probably felt SOME guilt about the way she dumped me, rightfully so. she just probably got OVER that guilt a LOT quicker than I got over the pain and got over her. I want the pain of guilt for her to be at LEAST 50% of the pain I felt from being Walked Out On by an Important Person.

not 100, not 90, just 50. i take responsibility for 50% of my feelings hahahahahahahaha.

also, if she had TRIED, she could have saved me 10% of my pain, at least. it doesnt sound like a lot……but 10% of a billion dollars is still a LOT of money. so she would have saved me a LOT of pain, and i would have APPRECIATED it a LOT. I would have been a LOT less bitter.

this was a very SAD thing and I was/am very BITTER as well as sad.

yeah i will get over it all, it will just take a LONG time and she could have helped make that time shorter with just a LITTLE effort on her part. show ANY effort. a LITTLE effort is a LOT better than NO effort.

also it would have been nice if, as a part of quickly getting over her guilt, she did SOMETHING, made a GESTURE of penance and amends as part of appeasing that guilt.

i mean if she did that now….well i would just ask her, is there any chance you would want to go out with me. yes or no. NOT i dont know. if theres a chance lets try it. if theres not, tell me NO. not MAYBE. if maybe, lets just try it. like you dont fook guys you know less than two months hahahaha you cvmhungry whore. cvmgry.

i am indecisive and dont know on alot of stuff. confused and unsure and on the fence. but when it comes to the women i luv, i am All In for Them. of that there is no doubt. certainly I have never been on the receiving end, but I would like a woman to give me a CHANCE for more than 2 or 3 months hahahaha. how can I not even last 3 months. that is a bit humiliating. theyd rather get their ass pounded by swarthy strangers than hang out with ME. you start to develop an inferiority complex. like you arent Cool or Sexy or Exciting or Manly enough for Women.

heh. at this point i dont care that the women from 11, 12 years ago are WAY more successful than me. And one day I will not care that woman2015 is way more successful than me hahaha. I do wish I were a little more successful though. successful enough to pull a decent woman ahahaha.

and i found a decent woman and we were good friends for a long time wawawawawawawa. and then it ended in the worst way ever wawawawwawa.

hahahahaha i was more than cool enough for her until i started liking her hahaha. then that was just GHASTLY and ABOMINABLE and HORRIFYING to her. ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING. thanks i appreciate that hahaha.

fookin .05/.10 holdem hahahaha. getting into the big leagues now.  this is about 2 to 4 cents. when i sit down with a 10.00 chip stack that is about $4.54 USD.

heh. well maybe in january 2017 my state will have legal w33d and i will be getting blazed all the time hahahahaha. like that is a good thing.  then i would fail all these goddamn drug tests.

i mean when an important person in your life goes away, it leaves a VOID. i wouldnt mind filling that void. sometimes smoking MJ is a way you can filled various voids. probably not a good thing though.

i am just mad she can handle a grown up job and make good money. yes it is discouraging to have women who reject you also make more money than you and be more career successful than you. whatever happened to the wage gap. i thought men were supposed to make more than women. and if you are a man who is very bad at making money, you will be considered invisible or repulsive by women. I mean she is 8 years younger than me and makes 3 dollars an hour more than I am looking for!!!!

when a MUCH younger WOMAN makes a LOT more money than you…..that is humiliating. especially when she has rejected you extremely harshly.

 

YOU CAN GET OVER HARD DRUG ADDICTION WAY FASTER THAN A BROKEN HEART

99

damn. not much sleep last night.

one interesting idea is that our Ideas and Thoughts and Feelings ABOUT sleep can affect our actual sleep. like laying in bed worrying about not getting enough sleep, and constantly looking at the clock.

yesterday i heard the suggestion about putting your clock in a drawer so you could hear the alarm but not actually see the clock. i though that was neat. you could also just block the clock with a card or something. i thought that was an interesting idea. like when i had to get up to go to work but couldnt sleep because i was constantly worried about everything that could go wrong the next day, and would i be able to handle it, and had i studied enough before going to bed, well i didnt do anything but come home from stupid work, study, then go to bed early! and now i am not sleeping at all!

also the idea that if you go to bed super early to try to get good/alot of sleep, you get very inefficient sleep and less restful sleep and or just laying there awake. so going to bed at like 7 pm doesnt really HELP you per se, unless you ar tired at 7 pm, well you veyr well might be, but you have to feel like you could actually SLEEP.

of course we all know that pain when you are tired, exhausted, because long days, tons of coffee, tons of stress, terrible sleep for days, you SHOULD be ableto go to sleep, but you lay down and cant sleep, and keep looking at the clock, you wanted to be asleep by 10 pm at the latest, now its 12, 1, 2, 3, etc. you went to bed planning to get 10 hours of sleep, now you will be lucky to get 4 and you are gonna have a ridiculous day of work tomorrow.

with someone who broke your heart, where you used to be close but now they dont WANT to be close to you anymore, and they aer cold to you, and warm to other people. hahahahaha.

i should have really tried a Sleep Aid, really just some nyquil or benedryl at least, during those times.

sometimes people say ITS DONE. IM DONE with this, and then they are simply done, they walk away.

they might end it in the worst possible way. they might even KNOW BETTER. but they do it anyway and they are DONE and they are NEVER coming back. they are not coming back and they are certainly not APOLOGIZING for handling shit shittily.  nope. they are 100% done.

doesnt mean it is right. yes it can and prob does involve avoiding or ignoring or just running away or shutting down or freezing. yes it is usually is bad karma and a shitty thing to do.

she DOES know better but it doesnt matter, she did it ANYWAY.

cant go back and undo it.

she is obviously CAPABLE of Conversations and Communication….like when she tried to communicate with those other men. how did those conversations go? what did she say? how did she articulate things? was she like a brick wall like she was with me? obviously not, she made an effort with them. i am jealous of course.

make an effort with them, make absolutely no fooking effort with me. tells me that I am a worthless piece of shit, and my confidence is low enough as it is. i do not need that message.

i will never know WHY i was so shitty as to not even warrant an effort. i can only GUESS it was because she wasnt as invested in me, she didnt luv me, she was already preparing for this day, distancing herself. she wanted to distance herself from me rather than repair the relatiosnhip in ANY way.

there is also the thought that with these kind of things, Rels, that a woman will do EXACTLY WHAT SHE WANTS. IF SHE DOESNT WANT TO DO IT, SHE WONT DO IT. IF SHE DOES, SHE WILL. PERIOD.

if she WANTED to communicate and “End Things Better”, she would have. If she Liked me, she would have let me know. if she really WANTED to date me, she would have.

i think this is more relevant to the beginning of rels as opposed to women who are Scared To Leave Their Abusers. well, id also add that they dont really WANT to leave. they WANT to be with that guy, they love him, and they also WANT to fix him. they would rather Futilely try to fix him and continue getting beaten, than leave.

ALL my big Heartbreaks involved the woman dumping me, essentially losing interest in me, essential deciding they didnt really WANT to be with me, and the decision being made before any sort of serious dating started. they didnt WANT a serious rel with me. they never did. so therefore i never had any serious rel. which is my shorthand for “longterm monogamous exclusive committed dating love rel with a woman”

i say one year would be good but i wouldnt mind TWO years either!

i heard somewhere, probably from some ridiculous woman who was bored with her long term boifran and was falling out of luv with him and wanted to dump him ITS OVER, that The Lifetime Of Luv is FOUR YEARS. after youre with someone for four years, you know them completely, you cant go any further, and the Luv Dies, time to dump them.

she of course had been going out with the guy like 3 or 3 and half years hahahahaha.

shrink said look for some wayne dyer talks. i have seen a couple of his pbs specials, they are pretty good.

anyway the other point.

heartbreak like this is some of the worst pain imaginable, the pain and suffering cannot be overstated. my heart is completely broken, destroyed, decimated, devasted. ripped out, bleeding, like temple of doom.

it is the worst pain ever, worse than derpression and anxiety and ranks right up there with death and job loss hahahaha.

is really is a kind of death.

i was watching intervention again and thinking these pussies, just quit your heroin and oxycontin. you will be sick for a FEW DAYS, maybe one WEEK. then it will be done.

try getting over a BROKEN HEART. you will be sick and broken and dying for MONTHS AND MONTHS AND MONTHS AND MONTHS.

getting over A Truly Broken Heart is MANY, MANY, MANY times more difficult than getting off of Opiates, or other Addictive Drugs that are hard to quit, have withdrawals and cravings, like Alcohol or Cigarettes.

these people go to rehab and then 90 days later they are a changed person. 180. miraculous.

90 days later after a broken heart, your heart will STILL be broken. you will be angry and sad and unable to love anyone but that horrible person.

so yeah the excruciating, CONSTANT, NEVER ENDING PAIN should not be underestimated. it cant be overestimated! it is worse than being a drugs addict!!!!!!!

you can get over HARD DRUG ADDICTION MUCH FASTER than you can get over a BROKEN HEART!!!

shit i was thinking i should try some hard drugs just to get some more time and distance!

i mean with this amount of RIDICULOUS, BLINDING, INHUMAN PAIN, its AMAZING and MIRACULOUS that i DIDNT do anything stupid! I totally UNDERSTAND why people STALK!

but i didnt stalk. so that is awesome. maybe that is proof that i am really NOT an Evil Stalker Abuser.

Although just yesterday i almost stepped on a pile of dog shit on the sidewalk and thought, gee wouldnt it be neat to put like a HUGE PILE of dogshit right in front of her house.

then i remembered, yeah, that would involve going to her house, and that is stalking, and stalking is wrong.

but the PAIN and SUFFERING of heartbreak is also so very wrong, so its easy to justify.

i mean its AMAZING i didnt start DRINKING again. and do stupid shit. get raging drunk and stalk her, get raging drunk and write her even more emails, or do something mean and angry.

i deserve to CONGRATULATE myself for not Falling Off The Wagon! Seriously! For NOT stalking her!

i feel like i have made a bit of a breakthrough finally. if i was at 5% before, maybe im at 10% now. on par to be a little less than 20 months to get over the whole thing hahahaha.

it feels Vindicating just to Acknowledge How Much Pain the Broken Heart Is. it is so so so so bad. i totally understand why some people cant handle it and K themselves! and other people go CRAZY and stalk and violence the other person! I totally understand it! shit i had some Fleeting thoughts of K’ing myself and S’ing her!!!!!

and those thoughts are painful and very uncomfortable too! adds to the heartbreak!

heartbreak basically IS a Severe Derpression. if you have been through a Serious Heartbreak that took a long time to get over, not one of those stupid girly heartbreaks where they fook a guy, get preggers, get an abortion, they are back to their normal happy promiscuous degenerate pig self within a week, but a REAL heartbreak, where it takes months and months and it CHANGES you, shit, that is pretty much Severe Depression right there.

it is like being killed and hurt and abused and raeped every day! only the abuser is in your mind, your thoughts.

so you cant blame it on them the same way you could blame like if you had a family member that was molesting you every day. that is almost LESS COMPLICATED.

and i am angry because she TOTALLY COULD HAVE lessened this heartbreak. this heartbreak didnt HAVE to be so bad. it would never have been GOOD, but it could have TOTALLY been not THIS bad. she could have Mitigated a LOT of this HORRIBLE PAIN in the way she handled it. she could have handled it a lot better. I BEGGED HER TO HANDLE IT BETTER. I said quote please reconsider the way you are handling this, i am hurting a lot, this will take me a long time ot get over, please please treat me like a human being and not a piece of garbage, please at least just respond to me and try to let me down easier please.

i still struggle with i should contact her and let her know how much pain she caused, how she broke my heart and caused me more pain than anyone has in YEARS, shit, when someone causes you THIS MUCH PAIN, you want to hold them ACCOUNTABLE for it, and make sure they KNOW THEY DID SOMETHING WRONG, DAMN WRONG.

but that way i was begging for mercy pretty much says “you broke my heart”.

but she didnt read it.

well she probably wouldnt read some angry thing saying “YOU BROKE MY HEART AND I WANT YOU TO FEEL GUILTY FOR IT” either!

plus one thought is, you dont want them to know how much they hurt you, or something.

well i want them to know EXACTLY how much they hurt me!!!!!!! you cant go around causing this kind of pain and be totally ignorant of it!

IT SERVES YOU RIGHT TO SUFFER!

POWER.

that is another question you should ask: what is the balance of power in this relationship?

as things got worse and worse, it became less a relationship of equals, and more and more clear that she had all the POWER, power over my feelings and emotions, power to shut down commuincation entirely. she had all the power and i had no power. thats what it felt like to me.

i hadnt just gone halfway. i went right to her proverbial doorstep and BEGGED, please share something with me. and she entirely refused. theres nothing i can do to change that. i cant fix that. she has to want it. if she WANTED it, she’d DO it. she did not want it or do it.

yeah having a straight conversation would have made the heartbreak less painful. less CRAZY. i mean it is so intense it is driving me CRAZY. makes you think crazy violent or revenge thoughts. its her fault because she ended it poorly hahahaha. no i dont mean that, its not her fault, she didnt INTEND to cause this much pain, i grant that. but she is no fooking innocent in the matter. 66 33.  what she did to me was at LEAST TWICE as bad as what i did to her.

with woman2012, she was NICE, she was a mature adult, she wrote me a 1 paragraph email, and that heartbreak was nowhere near as bad, nowhere near as crazy, i never wanted to do anything stupid crazy. i was angry and disappointed and hateful sure. but nowhere near as much pain.

heartbreak is like having your heart ripped out every day, all day, constantly. worst pain you can ever imagine. worse than death. it is like being in prison and being raped in the ass every day. how can that not destroy and ruin you.

this is true heartbreak.

i guess that is proof that is was true love.

that is the reason it hurts so bad, for so long. because this was a serious person in your life and you wanted to have a serious rel with that. they were and i did. most assuredly.

it is a BIG deal not a small deal. it changes you profoundly. well i needed a profound personal change hahahahaha.

so this is muh breakthru thank god. i was thinking and talking abotu this yesterday to muh recorder.

  1. to realize HOW painful heartbreak is and just accept that damn OCEAN OF PAIN;
  2. that if she really WANTED it to work, she WOULD DO SOMETHING
  3. theres literally nothing i can do. my work here is done. i begged for mercy at her door and she slammed it and locked it forever.

its amazing people can SURVIVE this pain. it is NO SURPRISE people K themselves and K others! the pain is BLINDING and MADDENING and PSYCHOTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you literally feel like you are GOING INSANE! take the worst pain you felt before and multiply it BY INFINITY!!!!!!!!!!

yet i know i will survive, the pain will go away in like TWO YEARS, i will survive as a BROKEN HUSK, half the man i used to be, half of half of half the man i used to be!!!!!! and live the rest of my life as a ruined, broken man, a Horrible Husk.

it is NO SURPRISE that WOMEN who undergo this pain TOTALLY RUIN and DEFILE themselves with SlutSex, go through a series of cox just to distract you from the pain.

IMHO Drugs would be the better choice, less defiling.

Drugs are less dangerous to womens dignity than a series of cox.

you cant get pregnant from drugs. you cant create an innocent, miserable, horrible, wretched life with drugs. that poor bastard child who is either aborted or lives a horrible life with a whore mother and a Ghost Father.

the abortion is probably better for the child! mercy killing! to avoid a horrible, godforsaken existence!

maybe thats gonna be my moral slippery slope to justify abortion, similar to my moral excuses for euthanasia.

“better for this poor child to never be born because their life would be guaranteed miserable and shitty.”

anyway muh breakthrough.

that was about it. thats abotu the strength of it above. hope this helps hahahaha how about u

i also thought, she could apologize WITHOUT getting my hopes up or leading me on.

HOW FOOKING ARTICULATE DO YOU HAVE TO BE?

she had conversations with the other guys!

you just need ONE PARAGRAPH.

say, “I dont want to get your hopes up or lead you on. i am sorry to say but we are never going to get together. its me not you. it just will never happen and i am sorry to break your heart. but i wanted to apologize for giving you the silent treatment, i understand that probably added to your pain. i want to let you down easy and reduce as much pain as possible because you are a good person. i think you are a good person and i dont hate you. but i could never like you the way we want, and we should go our separate ways. i didnt mean to cause you pain, but in these situations, pain is inevitable, and i am sorry for your pain. i hope you can get over it quickly. you will find someone great some day. it just cannot be me.  i am sorry to break your heart. i wish the best for you but this has to end. im sorry.”

thats IT. one paragraph that i wrote in TWO MINUTES. THATS IT. THATS ALL SHE HAD TO DO. just like woman2012 did.

you can apologize for your immature hurtful behavior and still clearly say its over.

come on. you had difficult conversations with other guys. WHAT DID YOU SAY TO THEM?

why couldnt you extend me that same courtesy??!?!?! just because you were De-invested in me and wanted to wash your hands of me? because you didnt luv me? god damn. you didnt HAVE to luv me, i just wanted to be treated with the RESPECT and COURTESY you did when we were friends. that is half of the heartbreak right there. i deserved better. i didnt necessarily DESERVE to have her luv me because that just happens or it doesnt, deserved or not, but i DID deserve to be treated like a human being, treated with respect, dignity, courtesy, not be fooking shunned like a god damn pariah.

you dont intend to break someones heart. there is absolutely nothing anybody can do about that. but you DO intend to talk to them or not talk to them about it. you absolutely CAN do something about that, and make a REAL difference. that is the part that gets me so damn angry, and makes the heartbreak twice as fooking painful.

BROKEN MAN: PLS RESPOND

aug 1

ive prob linked this before, millennial woes, the need for intimacy, which also has great comments.

now i am a huge anti-feminist who has identified with both mra and mgtow, but i also strongly desire intimacy with a Female Companion, and I do not want to ever give up hope completely, or become bitter, or swear off women, or swear off the idea of an Intimate Relationship with a woman, like some vocal mgtows seem to do.

i desired intimacy with the recent woman, quite a bit, that i was/am heartbroken to get it rejected.

i guess the Good News is that my heart is not completely closed off to this, because i could still feel feelings.

But I also wanted to toughen up and not be so sensitive. I mean i didn’t even have secs with the gurl! didnt even make out with her! so how the hell did i fall in luv so EASILY and Quickly?

but theres the thing: it def was NOT easily or quickly! totally NOT! It took about 2 years of knowing them, to get to this point.

and i think it was this 2 years of platonic friendship that ultimately made the resulting luv so strong, even if there was nothing physical. it felt like strong intimacy because i felt i knew her and felt i was close to her, even i had not filmed myself fooking her in perverted ways hahahahaha. i simply felt very close to her because we had a pretty good friendship, got along well, seemed like a decent connection.

i guess its fair that she does not share my feelings, but i am upset that our so called close friendship did not enable any kind of friendly discussion about the matter.  it was all ignoring, avoiding, and abandonment.

so women haters say thats women, all women are like that, and white knight pussies like me say not all women are like that.

i know shes not a horrible woman, well not yet anyway. she might be on her way to horribleness now though hahaha. and she starts her journey towards being a horrible person, by being horrible to me hahahaha.

well we are not supposed to BLAME anybody, we just accept it and say it wasnt meant to be, it just didnt work out, its no ones fault.  i mean its not technically her fault that she doesnt feel the same way.

anyway i just want to not become a bitter woman hater because of all muh rejections from women. i want to still be able to fall in luv again, BUT i also want to become tougher and less sensitive.

BUT its not like i’m falling in love with every woman i meet. it only happens once every couple years. and its not like i rushed into this thing with the recent woman. it all happened quite naturally. nothing was forced or rushed. unfort when my feelings switched on, the timing was extremely bad for her. i guess the timing was great for me, and bad for her. and ever since then its as if she read my mind and began pulling away, which was very painful, and culminated in its horrible climax recently.

is it because so far in my life, i’ve only focused on “pre-wall” women? hehehehehe maybe. i mean for me, pre-wall is kinda a necessary condition for luv to develop. i have never developed feelings for an Old Woman. but who knows, maybe i will in the future.

anyway i dont want to become one of those broken man woman haters which they accuse some mgtows of being. even though i do agree with much of mgtow: that marriage is a bad deal for men, and that cultural marxism has produced a generation of women that are horrible at relationships and bad news for men. but not all women!!! hahahaha.

but yeah this heartbreak is particularly devastating and i dont want it to break me. also its connected to a job loss so thats rough too. i mean i could probably go back to this job in a few months, but……i dont think id be able to handle seeing the woman again. on the job. unless we happily got together lol.

basically it was a total worst case scenario of a PLZ RESPOND situation. desparation for a response, for communication. i went cray cray over the lack of response. this is like the most omega autistic thing you can ever do, to quit your job and have your heartbroken because of PLZ RESPOND.

i guess i believed that strongly that i was entitled to some kind of response because of our “history.” this wasnt somebody that i knew only for a couple months.

oh god i know i used the exact words please respond!!!!!!!! foooooook me. but i still argue that when you know someone for a couple years, that they should respond to you rather than throwing you away like garbage hahahaha.

i wasnt always this week. even a few months ago i was much stronger. yet still lazy as hell, still angry, super angry, super lazy, super helpless, and still perturbed about this woman situation. but things are 900000000 times worse now. like i say. total rock bottom here.

i was never really a huge please respond sort of beta to her until recently.

but i quickly came to embody all the the sick please respond desperation.

i keep mentioning please respond because i just became aware of it as a minor meme; and i used those exact words; and deeply identify with that desperation; and realize this is not something normal people do. this is something extremely fooked up losers do. people that are permanently broken and may never be able to recover. that is what i am worried about it. that you survive but dont really recover. never really bounce back. just survive as a shell of your former self, which was not too impressive to begin with, but at least you were holding down a 15DAHJ (Dollar An Hour Job) hahahhahaha. and coming close to doing the bare minimum of life. and might have had a shot at luv to boot.

and now you are at total plz respond broken man rock bottom; and wonder if you had had more experience when you were younger, would you have handled this better? she was in a rel for 4 years and knows what its like to be in a long term rel with plenty of ups and downs, secs, luv, nights cuddling together, years with a person. yet i do not know any of that except in my fantasies, and have never been able to stay with a woman longer than like 2 or 3 months, never anything long term, cuz always get dumped during the short term. and that was 10 years ago when i could actually get gurls to make out with me for 2 months. now cant even do that lol. cuz i am old bald and fat and cant hold down a job and cant get a decent job lol.

hehehehe dont think this is helping lol.

but yeah i am angry and hurt and broken because i did feel honestly entitled to some sort of talk rather than just complete and total abandonment and cutting all ties without a word, feel sort of hosed, feel like i’ve been screwed and treated unfairly. hey i mean even an email would have been better than nothing. hence the please respond. please give me something. and i thought i at least meant something to this person as a friend. i mean they honestly used to like me somewhat, and would not have treated me like this in the past, before the gradual freeze out started. it is never easy when someone is close to you then they pull away because they dont want to be close to you any more.

cuz you have a history of things being good, before they go bad. its not like they were NEVER good.

i mean if i ever dumped a gurl, which i prob never will hahahahaha, i would try to make it easy on them, and also appreciate their pain, the pain i was causing them, and then myself try to act in such a way to give me as good karma as possible, and hurt them as little as possible, and to Facilitate the Healing Process for them. I would say i’m sorry 90000 times, and let them talk to me, and vent to me, and I would respond as honestly as i could, and even pay a dumping fee hahahahaha. i know how it hurts to be dumped or rejected and i would want to minimize the pain. i am not receiving that kind of compassionate rejection right now hahahaha. it is just the coldest worst thing, from a person i thought could never be capable of something so cold.  and mourning the almost 3 years that i have known them, when i first met them as a sweet young gurl, in a probably unhappy rel, and we got along instantly and easily, in a way that i rarely do with people, let alone young gurls.

at that time it was bad timing for me, i didnt have luv feelings for her until a few years later, when she was officially done with her rel. and probably that prompted me, helped changed things for me. but i wasnt’ going around like a little cuck beta for years saying please respond please date me. that didnt happen till 10 short months ago. hahahaha.

in the past week the idea of “cuckservative” became a semi mainstream meme and i think its great. on 4chan people have been calling each other cucks for years, really thats the most important thing to be mainstreamized imho, the idea of a CUCK, ie, a weak man who bends over and takes it up the ass and says give me more please, i deserve this, becuase i am such an unmanly weak omega male that i gladly get fooked, i would gladly give my women away to more masculine men; please, fook my gurlfran and wife and daughter, please, fook me in the ass.

being a cuck is shameful as fook, thats why its such a great insult. i think it applies to a lot more men than just “cuckservatives” but its a good point of entry because it accurately describes them.

this is perhaps related to donald trumps popularity as a masculine political outsider who does not say pc things, so he would be the least cucked, in other words, and make the establishment republicans look like pussies.

there are plenty of good articles out there you can read on this interesting new meme. but IMHO its just fun to see the idea of CUCK out there, not necessarily cuckservative, but just the promotion of the idea that being a cuck SUCKS. and that men are going to Rise Up and stop enjoying being Cucked. Men will say Stop Cucking Me, B1tch! I deserve better! I will no longer Prep My Wife’s Bull!

there CAN be a racial aspect to cucks, usually wimpy white men and their attractive white women getting torn apart by Big Black Bulls; but IMHO Cuckoldry doesn’t REQUIRE this racial aspect, just that your woman is getting fooked (and loving it!) by a man more MASCULINE than you. its all about the alpha male stealing the beta male’s mate. you certainly can ADD racial aspects to it, and they go along with it quite naturally, but you dont HAVE to.

anyway please respond is something a total CUCK would say. and now the woman can go through a string of Much More Masculine Men. how did i think i ever had a chance. well probably because we were pretty close at one point, and at some points she gave hints of liking me. before i liked her though. then i never saw another hint as soon as i started liking her. you can see how this can eat a man up hahahahaha.

HOW TO GET YOUR SWEET FIRST OUT OF COLLEGE FULL TIME ENTRY LEVEL CAREER JOB & MATE WITH 8’S

mon oct 7 854am

so the other day I was offering in-depth and expert customer service to a very very QT who was closer to 21 than to 18, a total perfect 8, hahahaha, and for the first time in a long time I was kicking myself viciously for not being flirtatious with her, or being more masculine with her, or simply Asking Her Out To Dinner Right Then And There. Now you say this is very unprofessional to do with customers, but I can assure you I would keep it all rather professional. Being professionally masculine, nothing inappropriate. Because By God she could have SOMF all day long. I was just so un-used to having such a Golden Opportunity that I didn’t even recognize it as an opportunity until it was too late. So if I ever see her again, I will try to right this wrong.

This was Natural Attraction At It’s Finest – it actually makes you WANT to put in the EFFORT.

Job Search Practical Tip: Your EmployerGod WANTS you to copy and paste from the job description into yer ResCL. It shows them you READ the job description. use the exact same action words (verbs) and buzzwords. And know that “Client Relations” is the EXACT SAME THING as “Customer Service.” Look for other 100% Equivalencies like that. “b-b-b-b-but it’s NOT the exact same! There are important differences!” No there’s not. How are you ever going to make $12 an hour with a Loser Attitude like that! How are you ever going to Mate With 8’s?

you know its time to buy new shoes when they still smell after spraying them with lysol every day, and not only are the soles all worn down, but now there is a sizeable hole in the sole and if you step in water your sock gets all wet. really reaching the end here. And it really doesn’t reflect well on you. People DO look at your shoes. Not that it matters what people think of you….. but yes it DOES matter if people think you’re a Lazy Neet Bum, AND you don’t want to Send The Signal of you being a Lazy neet Loser, when that’s exactly the image of you you’re trying to eradicate. So don’t send that signal.

Insurance Premiums. Health Insurance Costs To Be Brunted By The Employer. Obviously a 40 Year Old is going to have manny more Medical Needs than a 21 year old fresh outta Uni, who will be healthy as f00k and will continue partying throughout Grad Skool and Career, probably until 25 or even 29 if they push it. Because they are invincible, picture of perfect health, etc.

So employerz say, the 30 year old will be costing us a lot more re Health Insurance than the 21 year old, so let’s hire the 21 year old every time, because if we hire 30+’s, we will go bankrupt.

Heh. I am not sure how Health Insurance works for Companies, so maybe it’s less risky for them to hire older people as this grim picture I have painted. Heh. I have never held the power to interview and hire people, or Administer Benefits. I just know that 30 and 40 year olds Incur a lot more Medical Costs than 21 year olds: Diabetis, Heart Disease, Cancer, Cholesterol, Hypertension, Hardening of the Arteries, Cancer, Kidneys, Bad Back, Chronic Pain, Gout, Obesity, etc.

tues oct 8, 1.11pm

well, I should be doing homework / work right now, but since I’m not getting paid for it, I am choosing to take an hour to do this fun thing of writing in the blog, uplifting the world.

my EXCUSE, and there’s always an excuse, isn’t there, is that my underwork sched is mixed up here, so i got to sleep in, get my classic 14 hours of sleep, hypersomnia, etc. i guess if you can sleep 14 hours, go right ahead.

heh heh. like this stupid forbes article I read recently. during your interview, explain how you use a real ATHLETE mentality. You believe in balanced mind and body. You know that to be at your best performance, you need your rest. And you eat healthy and exercise. and you don’t let defeat get you down. when the going gets tough, the tough get going. you get MORE creative and look for different approaches. you know you can’t succeed without the team, it’s all about your team, but you also know how to perform your role within the team excellently. and a whole bunch of other f4ggy horsesh1t.

So just say you’ve been giving 110% lately, and to continue giving 110%, you have to catch up on 14 hours of sleep here and there. To run the marathon of professional career victory.

anyway I had an interesting experience on monday, will share, try to deduce the Big Lesson out of it.

So every once in a while I hit the jackpot and this market research firm calls me and invites me to do a Paid Survey. Sometimes it’s really fun, and I get to go to a Big Company where the Top 1% of Engineers work with their HYPSM degrees, and then market research people ask me questions as I use a product, and I get paid BigBux.

So I will not say exactly what I was testing, and that’s not important anyway. What was important was the market researchers. One extremely Extraverted Woman possibly around 30 years old, still in good shape, as can be expected from Professional Career Women who want to Have It All, who succeed in College and Career, probably has a Masters Of Marketing.

i beat anorexia

What really shocked me was her partner, a very young girl who did not even look 21 years old. I wondered: was this the Unpaid Undergrad Intern, or was this the Recent 21-year-old Graduate who was winning enough to snag a sweet full time entry-level career job with a Viable Market Research Company? She looks so YOUNG! And indeed she was very cute, could ABSOULTELY SOMF for hours and days, and of course I have this weird prejudice towards College Girls, because I am obsessed with the Wester College Career Cult, KIds who Go Away To College, which she probably was, as opposed to Kidz who Go To College but don’t go AWAY to College, which is, of course, the much smarter and cost-effective way to do it, however I can guarantee you, the Go Away To College Crowd does sometimes feel superior to them. Wrongly!

So the young girl did hardly any talking, the older woman did 100% of the talking, and the young girl mainly took notes on a computer, typing away. This plus her obviously super young age is what made me think she was an Unpaid Undergrad Intern, but again, it can be hard to tell with these College Girls: are they 19 and still A Full Time Away At College Student Intern, or are they a 21 year old Recent Grad who just got their First Out Of College Fulltime Career Job? In which case I would have been bretty envious of her! Being a 21 year old total QT who was no more educated than me, having a Great Career Job and getting paid 90000000000000 times more than me, the superold loser, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. And whose face was SHE sitting on? Not mine!

Heh. But of course extraverted normalfag Away To College Sorority type gurls are Tailor Made for Marketing and Market Research! And I would think that they have a Competitive Advantage over Old, Introverted, Creepy, Awkward, Chubby Neet Loser Men who Don’t Interview Well and who don’t Get Interviews Well, and especially who are not True Believers in the College Career Cult.  Heh, more excuses, the excuses never end.

At any rate, I performed quite well and just talked and talked and rambled and rambled and came across as a Talkative Extravert Really Well. The trick is to just start talking and not even think about what you’re saying.

I was not really impressed with the Intellectual Calibre of their work, it fits right in with my theory that An Uneducated High Schooler could be trained to do this work, and not have it be a Sweet Coveted Job For the Top 20% of College Grads ONLY.

But because there simply isn’t a big enough supply of these kinda jobs, there’s way less market research jobs than there are high school students in other words, we need a big stupid college scam to credentialize it. but who ever said life was FAIR??

Heh. It really doesn’t MATTER if life is unfair, or, life seems a lot less unfair when you have 21YOQTs to SOYF at your beck and call.

But talking so narmalfagly with the woman made me think of being on an INterview, boy what if I were in an interview being this relaxed and confident and normalfag, jeez then I might get that sweet fulltime entry level careerjob, and making fat stacks and getting 21yoqts to somf all day.

so that’s the lesson for You All: just start rambling, talk without thinking, thinking will trip you up, and when you start talking a lot, you will seem like a normalfag, and successful normalfags like to HIRE other normalfags to be successful too.

Yep, in theory, pulling 21yos to soyf is really, really easy: talk without thinking, seem like an extravert normalfag, not a introvert neet loser spaghetti pockets virgin, and really this all inherits from the base class of BE MASCULINE. but also you gotta dress nice, don’t dress like a neet loser virgin spaghetti pockets who has never hung out with a grill.

but in practice it can be super difficult to go out and buy those clothes, or to put yourself in those situations where you can talk to 21yoqts.  that’s even more difficult than buying the clothes. you KNOW where to get the clothes, and then you just exchange money for them. But where the f are the 21 yoqts? Either Away At College, or in the Expensive City working their Career Jobs, out at Noisy Dance Clubs, where you compete for their attention with men 90000000000000 times more masculine than you: rich, successful, nice dresser, great career, has never been an alien to the experience of 21 or even 18 yoqt’s sitting on their face, etc.  yeah even though they are men just like you, it’s real hard to put yourself in the shoes of a guy like that.

OK. So read Dale Carnegie’s classic “how to win friends and influence people.” It is really not brain surgery to talk to grills or employers. they really are just people, just human beings. just keep asking them simple questions, pulling their talk strings, and you sit there and nod your head and say mm hmm. yes. I see. Ah. How interesting. tell me more about that.

and if you’re talking to a 21yoQT, then you just be a little more masculine and edgy and tease them a little. get them tingling.

but the other point i wanted to make is, gainfully employed fulltime career job college edumacated nonvirgin normalfags will look at you like you’re a loser if you are underemployed or GOD FORBID unemployed. So you just don’t tell em. LIE to them if they are stupid and rude enough to ask. Pretend your underjob is actually a real job, but also tell them you’re Striving To Advance, and that you’re VERY INTERESTED in their career field and their company, you’d love to work at their company, you’re smart, you went to kollige too, whaddya say, help a brother out, get me an interview, I’ve got some great ideas on how 2 grow The Company, bla bla bla.

And then you’ll have a 900000000 times better chance at getting the interview than if you came supplicating before them like an underemployed loser. The Power Of Little White Lies!!! Use them to your advantage!!

All right that’s enough for today. Take It Easy on YOurselves, don’t take sh1t from ANYONE, stand up for yourselves, try doing a resume where you copy and paste SHAMELESSLY right from the KSA’s (knowledge skills abilities) in the Job Description. Absolutely Shamelessly. And then take a big VALIUM before the interview so you’re not nervous, and can start talking like a normalfag, and once those normalfag morons see you talking like a normalfag, you’ll have a real good chance of getting the job.  And then Hellllllooooooooo 21yoqts SOMF Citay!!!

 

YOUR WIFE B(_)RP5 5P3RM ALL OVER HER T!T5 / HOW TO $12 AN HOUR

http://www.bls.gov/web/laus/laumstrk.htm

Unemployment rates for states. Good Old ND at the top as I thought. But what OTHER states are good? SD. Nebraska. NOICE. Quite a surprising list though. Look at the bottom. Illinois? North carolina?? I thought these states were GOOD.

mond 9 16 623pm

switching times. weird, weird day. had the very rare chance to sleep in as long as humanly possible, which only happens a couple times a year, and this time I slept till about 3 pm, (checking muh privilege), even while going to bed the previous night at 11pm. sixteen hours of sleep. and i haven’t been particularly sleep deprived lately! however I felt absolutely euphoric after all that sleep, got a weird drug like feeling.

there was a fun erotic or romantic part in the dream as well. I was with a young 18yoqt and we both liked each other and I was teasing her a little like Lovers Do, and we were just at a gas station midway through a long drive to go up to a Lake House or something for a Fun Long Weekend For Lovers. Sun, Summer, Swimming, and certainly some Fun Nights to be had. Unfort the dream did not get into any of that, just the implication.

then the dreams got weird, shifted to a completely diff episode, and the girl was gone. damn. something weird like I was slowly being poisoned and turned into a mutant and going crazy from chernobyl-like nuclear radiation.

but the other one was real nice. heh. would be nice to experience that feel, hahahahaha. I am greedy for that feel.

would it be the same with a 30yo as with an 18yo? not sure. I don’t get as excited about the thought, that’s for sure!!!

 

tues 9-17 809pm

getting used to this docs. (official switching to google docs and saying f00k you to gmail drafts)

Is Pure MATH a good major?

Probably Yes. Math is probably the most important thing in the world. It underpins everything. It’s like philosophy. IF you can understand advanced math, you can understand anything and everything. All science comes out of math. Math should be the FIRST thing you learn. Don’t learn science until you learn math.  Big Government Should Make A Law that All College Students Should Take: Calc 1 AND Calc2 AND Calc 3 AND Linear Algebra AND Finite Math AND DiffEQ AND DiffEQ 2 AND Stats 1 AND Stats 2. And THAT would WEED a lot of people out, do them a favour really.

was watching this semi ridic PBS docu called “God In America”. Kinda ridic and self-important, but also fun, I had never heard of this Briggs guy who started a lot of “modernizing” movement re Evangelical Protestants in the late 1800s, and there was then now Fundamentalists Vs MOdernizers, COnservatives vs LIberals. Now, I’m usu quite CONSERVATIVE, but I had to side with Briggs on this one, I don’t think Darwin or Science is any THREAT to religion and god, that Science and Religion can WORK TOGETHER to Shine LIght on each other, I share Briggs’s optimism. And while WJ Bryan was a charismatic guy and I like his Conservative Populism, and this Clarence Darrow was a little sneaky sleazebag, I ain’t no Fundamentalist. It was disappointing seeing christians fighting against each other over SCIENCE, when they COULD have been learning MATH. Even Fundamentalist Christians are allowed to take all those MATH courses!

And of course I was asking about the Catholic Immigrants from say Italy and Poland and Ireland, who were viewed with horrible disdain. But the show never discussed, just showed a bunch of city factory workers with dirt on their faces and calling them immigrants. missed opportunity.

But just to be on the safe side, I would major in Something Engineering, with a Minor in Math.

thurs 9 18

I MEAN double Major in An Engineering AND Math. Yes.

Have Paid Internships going all the way back to HIGH SCHOOL. At the VERY LEAST, Summer 1 of College. How about Summer 0 : Summer Between High School and College. Yeah. don’t want employers to think you are one of those bad college students and not a good college student.

Heh. I agree with Will Smith’s talentless son that the world would be a better place if everyone dropped out of school. Educational Institutions do not help the world, they hurt the world.

Education and Learning is for f4gg0ts, hahahaha. No, not really. but it can be hard to get your brain to work when you’re lazy and tired and old. have i said this already? but if your master strong solid employable skills, you will make money and be a winner in life and have a good job and make good money and attract good mates and afford to keep your loved ones safe from disease and violence.

Sometimes someone who looks and acts really dumb and annoying and you want to punch them in the face, turns out to be really smart and successful, a unstoppable top 1% College Student who is going to Medical Doctor Skool or Law Skool. And that, if anything, makes the situation even worse! Because you wanted them to be a big LOSER to match how annoying they are, not a big WINNER!!!

See here some classic Rumination which Dr Steve (Ilardi) sez you and me must STOP. Just cut it out. Pull The Plug. Play some games, rearragne the Queue, drink some water, get up and do pressups or situps or crunches or Capoeira or Wing Chun or prayers. Dr Steve suggests doing a Shared Activity with a Fran, if you have one. I guess the key is to stop the cycle of negative thoughts, true as they may be, and get out and do something. Go to Burlington Coat Factory and buy a suit for jobz interviewz.

thurs 9 19 740 am

holy smokes. dat feel when you close one day then opent he next day at yer underjob. actually not a horrible feel if you don’t ahve to do anything precision or stressful.

however, very likely I got less than 4 hours sleep. for a guy that likes at LEAST 9…

but was in good spirits, listened to a very grim, bleak, dreary, sorrowful, despairing song on repeat at least 5 times on the way over, it was bretty hilarious.

* If you have a Useless Degree and are 100k In Debt, then just leave your college degree OFF your resume to prove that You Don’t Think You’re Overqualified for a job that doesn’t “require” a college degree. Pretend you never graduated College and pretend you’re not 200k in debt!

* If it was a Name School, maybe put the Name on there, but imply you did not graduate.

* what a scam, amirite? yep. but one day you will be making good money and mating with good (young, qt) wimmin, then you won’t care about the scam you went through in the past.

* your wife b(_)rp5 5p3rm all over her t!t5

hehhehehehehehehehehehe.jpg.png

how to ruby on rails

how to calc 3

how to $12 an hour

how to good wief

friday sept 20 2013 1137 am

* So, live at home, go to Loser Community College, and take ALL the (harder) math classes they have. When you Babby Boomer Mom complains about you not wanting to grow up, show her the f00king ridiculous math problems you’re doing and say, “LOOK FAMILIAR? NO? THEN IN TODAYS WORLD, YOU DON’T DESERVE TO MAKE $12 AN HOUR. YOUR DAYS ARE NUMBERED. BE THANKFUL YOU EVEN HAVE A JOB, BECAUSE WITH YOUR NONEXISTENT SKILL SET IN 2013, YOU WOULDN’T.  I HAVE TO BE A SUPERGENIUS SUPERSCIENTIST TO GET THE  SAME KIND OF JOB YOU HAD TO BE A COMPLETE IDIOT TO GET 30 YEARS AGO. YOU WOULDN’T SURVIVE A DAY IN 2013. BESIDES, COLLEGE COSTS 900000000000 TIMES MORE THAN IT DID FOR YOU, AND I WANT TO BE ABLE TO PROVIDE FOR MY FAMILY ONE DAY. OH WAIT, YOU DIDN’T GO TO COLLEGE???” and then go back to your Math Homework while she goes back to Celebrity and Reality Television, hehehehehehe.

* Do Manny Internships, Heck focus on internships ABOVE Classes, they’re prob more important anyway.

* NEVER take a class unless you have the CASH to pay for it ALL UP FRONT.  NO credit cards, and ABSOLUTELY NO LOANS. NO CASH, NO CLASS. So It takes you 10 years to graduate college. BIG DEAL. Less Classes, Moar Internships. Internships don’t COST anything anyway. Except the money they’re not paying you for working, hahahahaha. f4gg0ts. so whaddya do, you gotta f4g the f4gg0ts right back.

* Don’t Ruminate On Your Past Failures, Go Out and do something fun (nondrugs) with your friends if you have any.