TO AN OMEGA, BETA IS ALPHA

aug 21

heh. on a sunday. get two rejection emails on a sunday for the hospital that i am interviewing at tomorrow. from the same woman i will be talking to tomorrow. thats always a confidence builder. get rejected for two jobs by a person the day before you are going to interview with that person for a third job. i mean the jobs seem about in the same ballpark of skill, except the one tomorrow is part time. maybe i am only qualified for part time jobs at this point in my life hahahaha.

the good LORD is inviting me to listen to this GRIS album finally. i really am looking for something slightly more atmospheric than depressive per SE, but “atmospheric” is kinda a big umbrella that arguably gave rise to BOTH “blackgaze” AND “depressive”. Gris is often lumped in as DSBM but they seem to be also More than that, so at the end of the day, “atmospheric” might be the more accurate genre hehehe. i hear their other album is good too. they are known for good songwriting. good for them.  i listened to 20 seconds of this one and 20 seconds of that one, and decided I liked the production on this one better. the other one was more trebly black metal, not bad though. i hope there are SOME blast beats in there.

two fookin interviews tomorrow, what do i look like, a damn machine.

gris album sounds promising. really bass heavy, i was surprised by that. its not bad, just weird. was hoping for a heavier guitar sound tbh. the vokills are really good though. very pained agonizing niege-like screaming, i guess this is sorta “DSBM”-y.  but the music seems Sophisticated and a bit Progressive without being too Alternative Shoegaze Postrock. i mean these guys USED to wear corpsepaint 10 years ago hahahaha. GOOD.

damn 11k a year part time job, i shouldnt even be preparing for this interview. they reject me for every other high school GED job though.

i have applied to FORTY-EIGHT jobs at this hospital in the past 4-5 months, and this is the FIRST interview i have gotten from them. unbelievable. see i wasnt surprised that my degree was useless, but i thought the Reputation of my Well Reputed School would be able to get me one of these High School Graduate jobs and not have to apply to 48 of them with the first interview being for a crummy 11 dollar an hour part time job, hehehehehe. i knew the degree was useless, but I didnt think it was THAT useless, and I thought the name recognition was worth more too.

IM SORRY. MY FAULT. I WAS WRONG, YOU WERE RIGHT.

I thought the name recognition alone would get me a 12 dollar an hour full time job EASILY.

NOT EVEN CLOSE.

well theres a lot of factors here, like its not like i just graduated. i am not a Recent Graduate at all! plus i have a Long Gap of Unemployment where I was obviously not going to University!

the other interview tomorrow pays a lot moar and is a lot closer. you could actually live off this and have a FAMILY. a WAIFU and HUHWHYTE CHILD or CHILDREN. take out a huge 30 year mortgage and hope your neighborhood stays white and your home does not lose value. good luck with that. because FEDZOG is gonna stick some section 8 houses in there at some point. everywhere hahahaha. i mean its really up to the landlord innit? do they want to take section 8 money or not?

http://www.hud.gov/apps/section8/

heheheheheh

aug 22

well this is a FIRST, I went to the hospital looking all good and did my typing test and got 59 words a minute, not too good but they were only asking for 30 not 60 or 70 or 80 hahahaha. the HR lady was nice and she was like the supervisor is very nice and down to earth, don’t be nervous, i was like, thank you, i dont get as nervous any more hahahaha. but then when we got in there, it took a strange turn, like you are overqualified for this, you will be BORED at this job, bored out of your mind, what were you making at your previous job, i told them, and it was uhhh 3.50 an hour more than what this position was paying. yeah i think that was the finishing fatality right there. i said well i am perfectly fine with “boring” tasks, I like a routine, and also that I was making a conscious effort to branch out past the IT/Computers field, because I hate being in a call center taking calls from angry people all day and getting confused and flustered hahahaha no i didnt tell them that but I almost wish I could!

it wasnt even a real interview but i will count it anyway because i had to get dressed and drive out there and i thought it was gonna be an interview!

there was a super duper qt young gurl in the HR office waiting with me for her interview. no older than 22. ridic qt. but she had brown hair and brown eyes and might have had some nonwhite in her. but i would have gladly betrayed my race with her hahahahahahahaha. i mean i dont SEE qt early 20s gurls like this every day, im not in COLLEGE any more!

and when you are in COLLEGE, you see HUNDREDS of gurls like this every day! its RIDICULOUS! talk about abundance! then when you get out of college, theyre nowhere to be found. i guess they go on to their illustrious careers making more money than me. being challenged. stretched out of their comfort zone hahahahaha.

sheeeeit i would LOVE to be bored on the job. but they caught me off guard and I saw there would be no convincing them. the hospital recruiter said she would forward my name to other departments so that i could be i dunno maybe NOT rejected for the other 47 jobs i applied for at the hospital. then made some remark that i should be focused on “good fit” and not just trying to get any old job, because you dont want to seem desperate. well she said it in a very tactful way so i did not take offense.

there was also a young black gurl in the HR office waiting for an interview who was obv kinda “GHETTO” and did not know how to dress or speak properly. no references hahaha.

so how should i respond to these types of things? tell them, no i dont think i’d be bored? i can’t say i AM desperate and i’ll take anything. i can’t say i’m emotionally unstable and can’t handle high pressure work, so i’d PREFER Boring work. i guess i could Give Them My word that, if hired, I would stay in the position for 1 year minimum and be the best employee they ever had, going above and beyond, well outside of the job description. yeah i guess thats the best thing to say. i would proactively find challenging, difficult, stressful problems to solve, and made sure that it was a struggle to survive each day without blowing my brains out hahahahaha. push myself to the LIMIT EVERY DAY.

its not a real job if it doesnt make you want to blow your brains out! where every day you are tempted to Walk Out and Ragequit or Panicquit without a backup plan!

well i sent the woman a thank you email anyway. waiting for my second “interview” of the day which she would certainly agree is a better fit for me. a computer/IT related job that pays 42k a year. shit to me that is TOO much. I am UNDERQUALIFIED for this one. OVERqualified for the “lab assistant” job. which she described as boring “DATA ENTRY.” I guess I could have told her I am looking EXACTLY for data entry. anything beyond that is too stressful.

I told her, well, the job description was kinda vague, I interpreted this more as an “Administrative Assistant.”

at the same time i did not want to fight with them too much. ok if you really dont want to interview me for this job, then fine. then stop rejecting me for the other jobs!

but i think going out there and taking the damn typing test and presenting myself was worth some Brownie Points, and might get me moved into some Internal Good Boy Pool. Best case scenario hahahaha.

well now i can start smoking ciagarets again hahahaha.

there were 4 people in there for interviews at 10 am on monday. at the hospital. i mean its a bigass hospital.

the unimpressive young black gurl, but good for her for trying to get a Job, but my god my white privilege was embarrassingly visible over her black disprivilege; the super cute 21 year old gurl. she was wearing a knee-length skirt (good) and non high heels (good!) in other words, she wasnt dressed like a business whore or a whore in general, which made me think “LOW NUMBER. LOW N. N<5. GOOD.” but she might have been partially something nonwhite. who knows. maybe she was just Italian or something hahahahahahaha. Trust me, Uncle Adi would totally have given me a pass on this one.  I SHOULD have struck up Small Talk conversation with her. i am sure she was nervous about an interview too.

and now i;m writing this bullshit when i should be studying for my MUCH MORE IMPORTANT INTERVIEW at 1;45.

ok i am back from that. it was OK but for the feeling that i was being rushed along. short and sweet. 45 minutes scheduled for the interview. i started rambling as I often do. well early on they stopped me and said we only have 45 minutes, lets try to keep it short and sweet, and I said “I understand completely. Will Do.”  hahahaha.   i had to answer honestly that I did did not know microsoft spcc. also i am not good at writing my own scripts and would need direction.  the IT supervisor seemed like a Nice Man and he had a huge beard and a keychain that said “#1 Dad”. He was about my age. the other people were HR and or project managers. I tried to go as quickly as I could. they said they were interviewing 3 people. I was very happy with the compensation and benefits. was, am. I got a little nervous trying to answer everything quickly. they even snuck in a “FUN” question about my favorite game or movie or TV show. I said welp I know there are probably a lot of gamers in here, I am not up on modern gaming, but I used to be really good at mario kart 64.

they asked me muh greatest accomplishment and i said gradjooating from Kollige, and also succeeding at my previous position, which was very challenging. a good Personal and Professional Growth experience it was, I said.

forgot to squeeze in the shit I had studied about the department. the 2 million dollar upgrade in 2013 or whatever.

i saw a big command center for some kind of emergency dispatch. there was like a 500 foot tv that is the most expensive piece of equipment in the county hahahahaha. i wonder how much taxpayer dollars went to that monstrosity. that would not be used by the IT department though. I dont think. well really it was like 50 10 foot tvs making up one ridiculously large screen. i mean why not have a projection like a movie screen. this was like a bunch of super large tvs. horry sheet. county executive gets some great photo ops there, and nonunion wagies can bitch about it in the local newspaper disqus comments, where I upvote all the racist and antiunion and right wing and grumpy comments.

so basically the woman from the hospital was saying, dont apply for rinky dink easy 11 dollar an hour part time jobs, it LOOKS DESPERATE.

but you ARE desperate, and also desperate for something that isnt so high stress that you will have another nervous breakdown. these NORMIES dont know what its like to be on the Edge every day!

i mean im not on the edge RIGHT NOW, but when i was working i was! like holy shit i cant handle this, i HAVE TO QUIT.

panic every damn day. not knowing how you are gonna make it through every single day. none of these people i see in interviews are like this. when you are in a state of constant on edge ness, it shows. heh. i probably show that (as well as muh desperation) in muh interviews.

there will be SOME phone work in the tech job that i interviewed for today, but it seems well worth it. there is all ready a “call taker” and we would be doing other tasks than constantly answering phones. plus it pays FOOKING 42 GRAND A YEAR, PLUS BENEFITS LIKE HEALTH INSURANCE, PAID TIME OFF, 401K with like 5% matching. it would be enough to LIVE ON, and have a WIFE, and have your own house not in a section 8 ghetto, and not be ashamed of yourself whenever you meet new people or women.  and proudly announce, I am a 35 year old man who makes 42 grand a year as a bla bla. and things are going pretty well thank you. i am happy where i am at. FINALLY, FOR THE FIRST TIME.

said there are THREE people interviewing. surprised they told me that. so I automatically have a 33% chance going in. well i was nervous and rushed today, so that probably brought me down to my average of 5% chance. (figuring 1 out of 20 interviews will lead to an offer. even if only 3 people are finalists hahahaha.)

i keep forgetting the asian company might call me back for a second interview.

its just….sheeeeeeeit that god damn pseudo interview is starting to rub me the wrong way. just go through the interview, it can be FAST, let me at least talk to the supervisor, but to shut down the interview after 1 question like that was just WEIRD and it really does not sit too well with me! but i realize people make mistakes and fook things up all the time, and i really dont think she was being intentionally bitchy. but shit. ever stop to think i might LIKE or WANT a boring easy job? because unstable panicky weirdos need to work too!

but i dont want to always be the panicky weak weird unstable emotional basket case nutjob who cant handle shit!

the haves and havenots. these NORMIES who HAVE their jobs and wives and normie lives and go to work every day, make 30 grand a year, have health insurance, can afford a home not in a drug crime jungle ghetto, dont want to blow their brains out every day, are not constantly on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

got a call from this testing company today about possible interview. call from actual manager. looked him up on linkedin before calling. got voice mail. left message. would not mind getting this Entry Level Testing Technician job close to home. I think I offered them 13.50 an hour after using glassdoor to get an estimate. however i have no experience. there is talk about lean manufacturing, six sigma, bla bla bla. do they explain those terms to the people who talk about them like they know what they mean? i have NO idea what these terms mean.

lean, agile, scrum, waterfall, its all the same bullshit to me.

but see some of the stuff is NOT bullshit. like Root Cause Analysis. they actually asked me about this in the interview today. I had to tell the truth that I did not have any formal training or work in this, but that I showed the initiative to try to determine root cause on my own because I knew how important it was. but there was no system or procedure. it was more throwing spaghetti against the wall and making it stick. only the top 20% level 1 monkeys even KNEW was root cause WAS. And I dont even know if i know what it really means. but my idea of Root Cause is that it is legitmately, no bullshit, actually imporatnt.

so i tried to bullshit and say, in a good way, that i have no actual training in root cause, but that I know its important and I tried to do it as best as I could without help or guidance or any idea if i was doing it right. like i guess it is an ACTUAL science. theres a right way and a wrong way. sheeeeeeit. that would involve teaching your level 1 wagies BEST PRACTICES rather than just throwing them in the deep end.

again its like fookin feral children. nell. you speak a weird feral language. you learn how to swim with the worst akwardest doggy paddling form. you have TERRIBLE FORM. that makes actually knowledgeable CRINGE. I cant believe we let him get away with that! welp back to our meetings and internet surfing, they have calls to answer.

hehehehe this is almost like low grade post traumatic stress hahahaha.

and that god damn WOMAN doesnt have to do 20 interviews, she doesnt need to know root cause analysis, she doesnt need to do Learning of her own Initiative, and she is a Full Year ahead of me with Work Experience! fooook that bitch! she doesnt need to DO anything because theres always some beta bitchboi who will do shit for the pretty gurl! she never needs to use her stupid brain and can smoke MJ all day! and make fookin 32 grand a year hahahaha.

i make her sound so evil and manipulative and she is not. she was never the type to take advantage of the supplications of white knights. but shit. how could you not, being surrounded by white knights all day.

i would! but i wouldnt “take advantage” of them. if anything i would be the one BEGGING for HELP. PLS HALP MEEEEEEEEEEE IM DROWNINGGGGGGG.

but yeah i kinda wish she CARED about how i was doing. the Year Of Pain where I struggled to Get Over Her, and now this struggle with job search. we used to talk about jobs and how ridiculously hard it was to find a good one. and now she has passed me up and left me in the dust. but not if i got one of these 40k+ jobs!

but nobody wants to hire me becuase i Seem Desperate and have been Long Term Unemployed.  this is the biggest loser a man can be. Jobs arent interested in him and WOMEN for DAMN sure arent interested in him in the LEAST. there is NOTHING more UNATTRACTIVE to a woman than a jobless bum. well, apart from a supplicating, weak omega male. and at least half of them have jobs hahahaha. try being the other half without a job.

and i hate the feeling that she was too GOOD for me, and i wasnt good enough for her.

but these employers are basically saying that i am too good for their 11 dah PT job and shouldnt even be applying!

well then reject me like you rejected me on all the others!

well, THOSE i got rejected because i was applying too INDISCRIMINATELY, and the HR dept NOTICED my SHOTGUN approach. He’s not TRYING hard enough, reject him. but call him in for this mickey mouse job….then tell him he’s overqualified and would be bored. wtf.

see its hard to make any real SENSE out of it, and again, i dont think there IS any lesson to be learned. just keep plugging away. like jack sprat on his fat ugly hambeast of a wife.

i mean i do UNDERESTIMATE myself and think i’m only worth 11 dollars an hour. maybe I AM really worth 42k a year!

well i know im worth AT LEAST 15 dollars an hour because i made that at one time! hahahaha.

but im not worth a nonslutty 25 year old n<4 woman who is chill and not super dramatic. well she turned out to be hahahaha. all women are capable of severe drama. even the ones who seem chill. but you know what i mean. some women are just EXCRUCIATING and OBNOXIOUS after you have spent an hour with them. like holy shit i wouldnt want to date her! its like its SO HARD for a woman to be NICE and PLEASANT and NOT OBNOXIOUS. and she succeeded very well, and that was VERY important to me.

i never had a “FUN” interview question until today. what is your favorite game, movie, or tv show. i smiled and said thats a good question. then told them i listened to nazi fascist white supremacist podcasts erry day, and depressive suicidal black metal, and all sorts of black metal black metal black metal, oh and some death metal and doom metal too, and i dont watch jooish tv or movies cuz all that is jooish filth, i stopped watching game of thrones because its jooish filth, i only watch crime shows and married at first sight and muh fav movies are mulholland drive, i stand alone, and the turin horse hahahahaha. basically really fooked up movies that if you ever saw them, you would think i was a fooked up maniac and completely unemployable.

so you have your NORMIE answers. and i did. i went with normie vidya games like mario kart because i legit loved mario kart 64 back in the day. i also like normie tv shows like breaking bad and jeopardy and king of the hill, and normie music like……tom waits? no, not normie at all. like a bunch of classic rock like led zeppelin and neil young and all that stuff. pink floyd, sure. grateful dead. people USED to listen to the grateful dead at least! i like normie movies like…………………i havent even SEEN a lot of newer normie movies. i like forrest gump and goodfellas and…. i cant even say kubrick cuz only WEIRDOS like kubricks WEIRD movies. im a movie buff or used to be, i swear….i just like weird movies 4 unemployable weirdos!!!!! shall we craft customized cover letters whilst watching the turin horse hahahahaha.

and the next time i actually WATCH turin horse i will probably be like yeah this movie IS totally overrated, I cant believe i fell for such obvious BULLSHIT. this is SO pretentious and bullshitty. you really do need to be in the mood for that one, hahahah.

also i am a white nationalist and a woman hater, hire me hahahahaha.  but i have VERY GOOD people skills and problem solving skills. no im not married and no i dont have any kids. THAT I KNOW OF, HAHAHAHAHAHA. but seriously folks. i havent been with a woman in over 10 years, for more than 4 weeks, EVER. hahahahahaha.

did 5 mile powerwalk. listened to some more of that gris album. the vocals are pretty much ideal and what i would try to do if i could write black metal type music. i love the tortured scream type vocals. but i guess i was looking for something with slightly catchier riffs and a somewhat diff guitar tone. i like the prominent bass and the bass playing is very catchy and the bass tone itself is great…….and i like for example opeth morningrise that has crazy bass….but i dunno it needs to be turned down a little bit, and the guitar turned a little up. but the vocals are pretty much perfect. love that style.

now going to try this album by saor

which is atmospheric black metal with folkish pagan bits where the folk element is scottish/scots type stuff. i of course luv scotland and scots and have yet to hear some “atmoblack” with that particular element. give it a try. the guy from panopticon playing drums. should probably give panopticon a try too. i like the idea of one guy in damn kentucky being a one man black metal machine. atmoblack hahahaha. i luv the idea of atmospheric black metal, but lets keep the hipster blackgaze stuff to a minimum however. but atmospheric black metal has been a thing since the early 90s.  and i have been a huge fan of “hvis lyset tar oss” and “filosofem” for many, many years.

you can be really “progressive” with black metal or you can be really “regressive” and it still works. now i dont like progressive anything except for a little bit in the musical sense. get really creative. i mean its not easy to do it well. but black metal is just possibly the best type of music hahahaha. IMHO. hehehehe.

heh got up at an almost respectable time of 645 am today. real working mans hours.

 

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PUNCH OUT THEN KEEP WORKING

july 1

shit. i hate that you just cant be an ok people person. you gotta be a MASTER people person just to get a 10 DAH job or get some fat slut. if you have the SLIGHTEST anxiety or autism or awkwardness…..1% is as bad as 100%. 2 is as bad as 10 hahaha. all or nothing. no in between.

you have to be all or nothing because the WORLD is all or nothing. jobs, women, life, hahaha.

sometimes  while browsing the indeed list you find a job thats SO GOOD you HAVE to apply for it RIGHT NAO. So go ahead and do that. thats a good thing. like i found one today: day shift, full time, mailroom clerk for large IP law firm. Dayum.

using A Spreadsheet and a Stopwatch to calculate the Exact Average of how long it takes me to do a Job Application.

with 3 down so far, the average is 15 minutes. has varied from 6 to 27 minutes.

this is actually making it slightly more interesting. maybe this is a holdover from my stupid job, where all our calls were timed and we could see a dashboard of how many calls we had each day, average time of calls, total time IN, etc.

i kinda liked improving my numbers. also it gave me some Hard Numbers. of course it also allows the company to Measure More and to crack the whip harder. 20 minutes average call time? get it down to 19 and we save 1 million dollars a year and can give execs moar bonuses and cut more people from YOUR department!

but in general i think the stopwatch is a great idea for THIS, muh job SEARCH, and getting a handle on exactly HOW long it takes to do EACH application, and what a reasonable number of apps per day is. i have been shooting for 8 but that’s cetainly low. but HOW low?

ok well my average is now at 17 minutes. thats with short ones and annoyingly long ones. only have 6 so far. i figure 100 might be a better sample size.

not that i havent already done over 210!!! 232 as a matter of fact. hehe.

today had a first, applied to USAJOBS, something for the army. FEDGOV hehehehehe.

17$ DAH job working with like army kids? child care technician? well in the FEDGOV they make 17 bucks an hour with bennies. GS 04 or some shit.

SO i figured that 5% of applications will get an interview. 1 out of 20. i mean that is ABOUT what its actually been. about 10 interviews for 200 applications.

well REALLY its 9 interviews for 230 applications hahahahahahahaha. but NO, cuz when I HAD the 9th interview last week, I had only about 200 apps in.

ok, so 9/200.

SO, assuming about 5% chance of an interview, it is THEN safe to assume that 5% of INTERVIEWS will result in a JOB. THEREFORE, you have to put in about 400 applications, therefore get 20 interviews, in order for you to get 1 job.

so shoot for 400 applications.

about ABOUT 20 minutes per application, that is 133 hours.

and that is 3.25 weeks of Full Time Work hehehehehe.

and right now I am showing 17 minutes per application, not 20.

why the hell didnt i start measuring this in a spreadsheet EARLIER?

because when you Train Yourself, it takes you MONTHS to stumble on things that a Trainer would show you right away. Best Practices. Best Practices do not always come quickly.

and this is a pretty obvious no brainer. use a spreadsheet as a tracking system to measure Metrics. its not exactly out of left field.

http://bbs.dailystormer.com/t/advice-on-how-to-red-pill-my-fiance/37312/11

this guy does not seem super smart but he is a manly white man who carries a Glock hehehe and doesnt want his qt white gf associating with trash. cuz her friends are trash and her family is trash and she gets the attention of blacks hehehe but she miraculously is not a huge slut. so says the boifran hahaha.

i know that feel, that woman was CLOSE to trash but she was not herself really trashy. she didnt want to be trash so she dumped her trashy friends. i hate to think she thought of ME as TRASH.

well at least TRASH can WORK!!!!!

july 2

horry sheet, interview with the company i have submitted like 14 applications to this year and i NEVER thought they would interview me for anything more than a 9 dah pt job….has invited me to an interview for like a 32k to 46k FT job hahahaha.  so, doing that on thursday. afternoon of courshe hahahaha.

BIG reach here, but……it was kind of a reach just to get the interview!

They are interviewing at least 5 people.

I would prefer something a little less……involved, because I might be better qualified for something Lower, have a better chance of getting it.

I do know the application here had like 5 short answer questions that probably scared all the CASUALS and PUNTERS away hahahaha.

and made the Application Time like 30 minutes instead of 15 hehehe.

what was the manager doing sending emails at 10 30 pm on the friday of Fourth of July Weekend? why wasnt he out of town with his family?

this place has a Unionized Workforce and I thought they were serious about muh 40 hours and not a second more hehehehe.

well there are ways around that, you simply PUNCH OUT THEN KEEP WORKING hehehehehe.

how common is this? for people who want to make themselves look like they do more in 40 hours than they do? really for OT Exempt people its not an issue. then you just work 80 hours for the price of 40 as a general rule hahaha.

i am somewhat interested in the Goth Subculture, but its also kidna degenerate and the women are SLUTS. VERY high number. but they might be willing to help weak sissy beta guys gain experience and confidence in banging bitches, which is always good.

yes, bang those disgusting degenerate high number whores, just for EXPERIENCE and CONFIDENCE. THEN you will have a better chance at getting the women you DO want. there’s a reason they call them PRACTICE gurls. And you can’t get a Decent Woman without PRACTICE. Like like you can’t Win the Championship Game without PRACTICE.

just Wrap It Up and try not to lie too much. like don’t tell the gurl you’re in luv with her, OR that you will marry her, OR that you want a Real Relationship with her. It’s Only About The Casual Secs baby, whatsamatter, dont you think secs is FUN, ya prude?

but yeah i dont think there are any gothic gurls under 30.

also goths like phaggots and nihilism and drugs and are not masculine and all.

i would approach Goth in a way that championed Traditional Victorian Values, and wears a lot of black, and likes melancholy shit, but thats really about all. While also still being Masculine and promoting Morality and Family and Traditional Gender Roles.

at the same time i like gurls who are not super duper girly. That Woman was feminine but she was not super duper girly. in that she was chilled out and laid back and not into Drama. But she kinda was. at the end she couldn’t get out of the drama.

i dont mind minor drama, but major drama needs to be dealt with. women are so attracted to drama that they dont even want to deal with major drama, they just run away from it if its too much. leaving people in the LURCH.

they need a MAN to pull them out of the drama. And I was not man enough. shit i was CAUSING the drama. i didnt know how to FINISH it. well, i DID know that we PROBABLY needed to confront it and talk about it, and she didnt want to do that.

all the more reason I need to MAN UP and say THIS ENDS NOW and MADE her talk to me hehehehe.

so yeah. BIG interview thursday, one of the biggest. the manager has been working there for 12 years and is a (former?) CPA but this job is more in “systems.” he does not have a masters degree but does/did have a CPA and that is about as hardcore as a masters degree hehehehe. fookin tryhard.

applied for job as AP clerk for company, took 23 minutes, brought average up to 16 minutes hahahaha.

i only have 8 jobs in that spreadsheet, i suppose if i had all 230 jobs, it would be a more valid/accurate number.

lets just say the shorter the better. i would like it to be closer to 15 than to 30.

in 1980 it didn’t take you 16 minutes to do a job application (well maybe it did.)

but for DAMN SURE in 1980 you didnt have to do 400 job applications before you found a job!

but its good i have an interview for next week, i didn’t have one this past week. want to have 1 or ideally TWO eery week.

had a dream with THAT WOMAN last night, as i recall it was pretty long but i still dont remember much other than i was spending the night with her, but she was mad at me and we were arguing and i was sleeping on the couch or something. i was scared she was gonna LEAVE ME, that she wasnt willing to work this out. , that she had just Had Enough, it wasnt worth saving to her.

and of course that was what happened! but this dream at least pretended that we were actually Going Out.

I was also starting to care about her family. Cared about her single mother who had a possibly rough life but she was at least a good mother and probably a good person. cared about her brother and sister who seemed really nice and were not promiscuous degenerate drug addicts, they did not even smoke MJ. they just lived clean decent nice lives. Cared about her extended family who she told me about.

and now all of THOSE people were ripped out of my life too, her telling me you’re not allowed to care about them any more, you’re done with ALL of us.

so that was an extra element which made things even more painful. I felt closer to her because I felt I kinda knew her family. again, not something i normally do with women.

she had an older family member who was not in good shape and that was causing her a lot of stress and worry at the same time as our thing fell apart. i felt guilty for Bothering her during such a difficult time. But I cared about the family member too! I shared her pain somewhat! and if she thinks it was all a Ploy to Get Dat Ass, she couldnt be MORE wrong!!!!!!!!

but i totally lost my frame and became weak and supplicating and BEGGING. I should have taken the FRAME of the MAN who COMMANDS respect….not a pvssy weakling who BEGS for respect! you put the foot down and say THIS IS HOW ITS GONNA BE.

hmmm this qt young gurl (7-8 years younger than me, very cute and nice, low number, she got married tho, like at age 22, well good for her hahaha.) sent ME a linkedin connect today and i accepted it. I had seen HER many times but did not ask to connect with her because she might think its creepy i was stalking her. well she is way more successful than me anyway. good career in health admin and is being promoted, moving up, didnt even get a damn masters degree, works with a bunch of other qt young women.  its hard to imagine they will become hambeasts when they are 40 like so many other women.

but they might not also become loving wives and mothers and just continue riding the coch carousel, so yeah, part of that is not becoming a hambeast. gotta look good to pull the alphamost coch. fat hambeasts can only pull thugingras hahahha. i hope SHE becomes a fat hambeast. her mother didnt unfort. her mother still looks bangable. i should bang her mother in horribly degrading ways hahahahahahahaha

heh i set up a 50 cent monthly dnation to bernard chapin. lets see if HE complains about the dnation being too small hahaha. i really dont think he will. he is not that kind of guy tho. I wish he had found a good wife and become a father though. its SAD that at 46 he has Accepted he will always be a MGTOW. he is coming out with his new book “man going his own way.” I mock MGTOW’s now, but not too long ago, I considered myself a mgtow, and uncle bern is the best example of the best of mgtow. he is a very good honorable man and THATS why he needs to stop being a mgtow and become a father! hes not race aware enough, let alone 1488. well, i will stop my dnation if he ever has a keeid with a nonwhite or advocates race mixing hahaha, which i dont think he will.

NOT EVERYONE YOU FOOK IS AS FOOKED-UP AS YOU ARE, YA FOOKED-UP B!TCH!

may 23

nile festivals of atonement. I wish they still sounded like this. traded the piling of riffs for something a little more coherent and song-like. and hey they still had some Fast Blast Beats. I am not sure why they seemed to have discarded this part of their Identity in favor of Weird Riffs and Incomprehensible songs. but did they really DISCARD it? no not really. they just added more crazy riffs.

hehe. received rejection letter for part time city job which I took 2 tests for and had an interview for but which I wasn’t sure if I were interviewing for the PT job, or for a damn eligibility list. i dont even know if THEY know. All I know is that they sent me an email rejecting me for the PT job that I didn’t think I was REALLY interviewing for anyway.

BUT I still have an interview NEXT week for the FT job with the same people!!!!!! I am just a little confused hahaha.

had a few days to Sleep On that Water Billing Complaining Negroes job. Still leaning towards no, but I would be leaning towards yes if it were only 12 miles away instead of 24 hahahaha.  or if i knew how much it paid hahaha.

Personal Experience Study
For this study, please take a minute or two to recall a particular incident in which you had power over another individual or individuals. By power, we mean a situation in which you controlled the ability of another person or persons to get something they wanted, or were in a position to evaluate those individuals. Describe the situation in which you had power -what happened, how you felt, etc.

I have done a similar task in the past week asking about a situation of power, but I’m not sure it was this same task. I will answer pretty much the same way. I generally feel very powerless in most if not all situations, in that I am at other people’s mercy. I have never really had supervisory or managerial power over other employees, and I am a bit frustrated at my lack of power. I am not a power-hungry person, but I feel that by a certain age in your life, it is a reflection of personal success, hard work, and intelligence, to have risen to a position of SOME power over younger or less experienced people, and I do not have that. I suppose there could be a less-authoritarian sense of power if you are the Leader of a group, and I don’t really have that.  In social situations however, I don’t feel like I am being coerced, and that I do have a sense of equality, equal footing, that my opinion matters as much as my friends, there is a sense of democracy and autonomy on my part. However there is no power OVER anyone, simply, all of us have the same amount of power and autonomy.

then it showed me a video on how to open a bottle of wine. I already kinda knew how but I never had anybody EXPLAIN it to me. I appreciate having things explained so I feel like I am learning Best Practices and not some damn Feral Child.

I think of the obscene, pornographic things that go through my mind sometime, like saying to a woman, “IS THAT A FAT ASS THAT WANTS TO GET FOOKED! OH YEAH. NICE FOOKABLE LITTLE ASS ON THAT WH0RE. U WANNA HARD C0K TO FILL UP THAT FOOKABLE FAT ASS U LITTLE BUTT SLUT??!?!?!?!” and then I think of some OTHER man saying it to THAT WOMAN and her saying OH YEAH and bending over like a dirty butt slut.

it is not a good line of thought hahaha.

I have a tendency to “hoard” a little bit in that I have trouble throwing things away and occasionally clutter can build up. I would put the pen into “storage” IE somewhere in a box where I might forget about it. If I ever came across it years later, then I probably wouldn’t have such an emotional attachment and I’d be able to throw it away easily. An important teacher is a valuable thing, but do I still have an ongoing relationship with the teacher? Has he directly helped me in some concrete way, or did I have an actual close relationship with the teacher? Did I go to office hours, get to know him, him get to know me, talk about our careers, get career advice? Did he write me a letter of recommendation or help me get a job? Or did I just go to his class and think he was a really good teacher? The closer the relationship, the harder it would be to get rid of the pen.

another

I have struggled throughout my adult life with my perceptions of women. When I was in college, I considered myself a feminist and was convinced men and women were the same, and that gender differences were completely socially constructed. As I grew older and got out of the university, I couldn’t avoid the glaring differences between men and women any more, and my perspective gradually changed. Now I am completely anti-feminist and I believe in appreciating and understanding the natural differences between men and women. I don’t think we should try to make men and women completely alike. We should respect our differences and see each other as complementary, not exactly the same. In educated, professional company, my true views would certainly be viewed as “sexist”, and I have come to accept that I probably AM a “sexist.” However I am no longer personally ashamed of it, as I have come to believe that the real world is sexist, fundamentally, and it’s improper of humans to try to “fix” this. Feminism is a very Marxist approach to force absolutely equality in which absolutely equality is not a healthy, desirable outcome, and I believe the tensions between men and women today are a result of trying to “uplift” women into roles that they are really not happy with, despite all the media and educational push to have more female CEO’s and executives, more women in STEM, women coding academies, and all that. I think the “wage gap” is largely a myth and is a result of women’s personal preferences and choices. I would prefer to see women focus less on career and competing with men, and more of women focusing on home and children. I have the greatest respect for women and it saddens me to see the modern world encouraging women, in the name of seemingly good things like freedom and equality, to do things that in the long run, will make women (and men!) unhappy and disengaged. I hope this progressive zeitgeist is just an anomalous blip in our history, and that the pendulum will swing back to more traditional gender roles. In short, I believe traditional gender roles reflect reality MUCH better than the absolutely gender equality promoted by feminists.

Please feel to contact me through MTurk if you would like to discuss further. This is a topic I am very passionate about, but it certainly stands in stark contrast to attitudes that are prevalent in the university, and which you yourselves will probably find backwards and appalling. This is why I am very careful who and when I express these opinions to, and I would not share them if there were not anonymity and confidentiality in this study. You have probably heard of “Mens Rights Adovcates” or MRA’s, who I’m sure you have a very negative opinion of, but I would also point to the “Alt Right”, r/K selection, and some evolutionary psychology as a theoretical foundation which makes a case for more traditional gender roles.

another

This is somewhat related to the excitement dimension. I imagine excitement and curiosity go hand in hand. I am not terribly curious about much either. I feel my natural curiosity has gone down since I was a child. This might have to do with depression as well. I might be tired of searching for answers and results, and I just want answers and results already. I used to be interested in abstract thought and considering many different possibilities. Now I get overwhelmed and anxious when confronted with open-ended, complex problems. I feel very indecisive and I feel like it’s very difficult to learn new things, figure things out, and make decisions.

hey now I am getting paid 10 cents for my navel gazing!!!!!!!!

I have NOT done this exact same study, but I have done other studies recently in The bla bla Lab, having to do with political attitudes. Not sure what the study was about. I am much more “racially aware” than average white people and I feel a strong ingroup identity with whites. This is controversial and would probably be viewed as racist, so I don’t go around talking about these things publicly. I think racial identity is important and this is one of the reasons I do not personally support interracial mating. I think it is unfair to the child, who is torn between two worlds and two races. Certainly Yusef probably felt conflicted in his racial identity. Also see cases like Elliott Rodger, who was an Asian-White mix and did the Santa Barbara shootings about 2 years ago. Also we don’t know for sure that Yusef was half white. We don’t know much about his mother other than her name is Green? She could be African-American or maybe racially mixed herself.
I am generally against a multicultural society. I think the more groups we try to include, the more conflict. The melting pot is a nice ideal, but it doesn’t work in practice. I am probably anti-democratic and somewhat fascistic even. I would gladly give up my own right to vote to live in a more stable, monocultural, traditional society. I don’t hate people of other races, but I do put my own race first, and I think the more homogeneous a society is, the more peaceful and stable it will be. Diversity always leads to conflict.
My views could probably be labeled “Alt Right” or nationalistic. Detractors would call these views fascist or racist, and they wouldn’t be entirely wrong. I get along with people of all races but in general I believe there is too much ethnic and cultural diversity in the Western world. I would like to see the US be more like Poland or Hungary in terms of being more resistant to diversity and multiculturalism.
I would be happy to discuss further with the researchers and would love to have dissenting viewpoints like mine discussed in academic studies. I’m not sure if I represent a “silent majority” but I think the rise of Trump is tapping into very real thoughts and feelings of many people, which academics, the media, the government should take seriously, rather than write us off as bitter clingers, gun-toting white Christian rednecks in flyover country, etc. I do think there is plenty of accuracy in stereotypes, but I would not describe “us” as “bitter.”
Also I am somewhat concerned how my controversial political and racial opinions might be influenced by my own lack of success in life and career. Maybe this is all a way of acting-out in reaction to my own sense of powerlessness, so I am adopting a victim status, and being seduced by a charismatic leader.
This probably has something to do with it, but I think more of it simply had to do with me getting older and trying to compete in a competitive world.

went for nice 70 minute walk like a b0ss. hopefully got some vitamin D.

may 24

You have completed the main part of the survey. Before finishing we have an additional request for you which is unrelated to the rest of this survey.

As you probably know, the percentage of voters in the United States presidential elections is relatively low. In 2012 only 55% of the voting age population casted a vote for a president. What could the government do to promote voting in the next presidential elections?

You can write as many ideas as you like. When you are done click ‘next’ to continue.:::::
I am a bit of an outlier here. I am not sure the government should do anything to increase voting. I have my doubts about democracy as a system. I think the vote should be restricted to to married people over age 25, who have children, who work full-time, possibly who own their own home. I think voting is a major responsibility that not every person about 18 is really qualified to do. At the very least I would put a higher age limit on voting, like age 25 as opposed to age 18. My political views changed drastically between 18 and 25.

I am unsure people have the maturity and long-term decision-making skills to choose what is best for the nation. I think many people will choose what is best for their individual short-term interest, and the cumulative impact of all these decisions do not promote long-term stability, security and progress of the nation as a whole. Voters can be easily seduced and influenced by opportunistic politicians. Therefore I would like to see voter turnout reduced by at least 50%, with the restrictions I mentioned above. Also, since we have such lax standards on voting, and so few people are STILL turning out to vote, I think that is a self-selection process which is probably a good thing, in other words, I probably wouldn’t want those people voting anyway.

I would be very willing to restrict my own right to vote, especially since I don’t meet all the criteria I specified above. I believe that voting is a very powerful right that should come with more serious responsibilities than it does. I don’t think the voting age should have been lowered to 18. I might even restrict voting for unmarried young women, as detailed above, and have each family vote as one, rather than each person casting one vote.

I am somewhat concerned with well-qualified voters who are underconfident in their qualifications and thus stay home and do not vote….but this is probably a minority of the people who choose not to vote anyway, and can probably be safely ignored.

I am happy to discuss these rather controversial views at greater length if interested. Please contact me through MTurk if interested. Good luck with your study!

Ideally I would like to be employed full time and making a living wage. Right now I am minimizing expenses by living with family and relying too much on my emergency fund, but I am admittedly at a relative low point of my life and would really like to pull myself out of it. I also have a history of depression and anxiety which makes coping with the normal problems of life very challenging, and which has contributed to a vicious cycle of struggle, failure, and underachievement.

good times hahahah.

In the space below, please write about your life story, as if you’re the hero of your life story.

I do not feel very heroic at the moment unfortunately. I am at a low point of my life as I struggle to find new employment and overcome feelings of personal and professional rejection and very low self-confidence. I feel like a weird outsider who is incapable of doing the bare minimum of life. I am at least getting invitations to job interviews and I am gradually showing more confidence there, but I have not received any job offers yet.

I had a pretty normal childhood with a supportive, loving family. I did well in high school and went to a well-known university. At that point I started going downhill and developing bad attitudes and habits. I graduated with a useless social science degree and a very bad attitude. Ever since then I have struggled massively with the basics of life. I have not established any kind of career trajectory and bounce around from entry level job to entry level job. I am ashamed to talk about my education, that it will make me look like a failure, that I startd out so promising, and did not live up to my potential.

It is also very important to me to have a marriage-like relationship with a woman and have a family someday. I have not even come close to that. I would have liked to have been married by age 27 at the latest, but at age 3x, I am single, lonely, not interested in anyone, and taking a very long time to get over a somewhat recent heartbreak.

I am trying to get a job that does not involve being on the phone with customers more than 50% of the time. I can deal with customers, but to deal with a constantly ringing phone and nonstop phone calls as in a call center, I had a very bad experience with that and I don’t want to return to a job like that.

i was watching law and order with jerry orbach and benjamin bratt and there is a thing where some boys had their initials spell out KILLALLK!KES hahahahahahahahaha and I thought that was pretty kewl.

i mean, i thought it was abhorrent and i am sure this antisemite will go to prison and get pounded in the 4ss hahaha.

mccoy? i thought sam waterston was a j00 hahaha. hmm not j00ish at ALL. english and scottish. well good for him. I am disappointed my radar was off tho. Imean he has bushy eyebrows, beady eyes, and a big nose. oh well. nothing inherently wrong with busy eyebrows .

 

WOMEN SHOULD CARE ABOUT GETTING PREGNANT AS MUCH AS I CARE ABOUT GETTING THEM PREGNANT

 

may 5

sorry not sorry i am always talking about abortion. any sensible person would agree its a big deal.  i wish there were MORE pro-life (yes I like that term) activists who were not super religious. I mean its gotten to the point where being pro-life, anti-abortion has basically become SYNONYMOUS with being a religious jesus freak weirdo, and the ONLY people who are against abortion are bible thumping, gun toting, gay-hating rednecks. my type of people hahahahahahaha.

but I will accept ALMOST ANYBODY as a pro-life ally: even filthy leftists. it seems weird to think of an anti-abortion leftist, but maybe there’s a few. and that could be a good point of entry into saving them from the left.

good thing I know how to turn unknown unknowns into known knowns and become an expert without hand holding

google is your friend

google pro life groups that are not religious

http://www.secularprolife.org/

this is one of the first results, that means they are a big one. hey i dont have the gift of discernment or judgment, I just take what google gives me hahahaha.

i mean i just don’t understand how being anti-abortion is strictly “A RELIGIOUS STANCE.” oh now were talking RELIGION.

NO, we are talking general morality. like mill and philosophy 101.

or even gayass libertarian nonaggression principle. dismembering your screaming fetus seems pretty aggressive, man.

i mean it just sounds patently ridiculous to me, to think that you HAVE to be anti-abortion for religious reasons. it seems just like common sense, kinda like how most people have common sense that murder is wrong. ((((somehow)))) people have been convinced that abortion is not murder, that the clump of cells is not a actual person.

http://www.refinery29.com/2015/10/96229/pro-life-millennial-activist

pretty sure refinery29 is a shitty pro-murder feminist leftist degen site, like jezebel. but decent article on pro life millennial gurl. and horrible comments from pro-murderers hahaha.

http://www.prolifehumanists.org/

another group i guess? kinda shitty website.

http://www.prolifehumanists.org/changed-mind-atheist-becomes-pro-life/

skinny friendly looking gurl with a polish surname, ok checks out, thumbs up for her. and she seems strong and courageous, taking an unpopular view among atheists and being hated by promurder atheists. So good for this courageous and strong young woman. that is a strong independent woman I can support! one who defends the right of our youngest, most vulnerable humans to live!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Secular_Pro-Life

oh we already saw this one. its shameful how leftist atheists will turn against one of their own, when that person defends the rights of the unborn. ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING. and as a fairly catholic rightist, I am very welcoming to the pro-life atheists.

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/03/11/yes-there-are-pro-life-atheists-out-there-heres-why-im-one-of-them/

the cute atheist girl from prolife humanists writes an article here which got 4000 comments hahaha.

http://www.lifenews.com/2012/02/28/confessions-of-a-pro-life-atheist-why-i-fight-abortion/

this guy doesnt have his own group but he points out that even atheist hero chris hitchens was probably pro-life hahaha.

http://www.aul.org/

americans united for life

group of lawyers trying to change abortion laws. the secular pro life founder gurl went to law skool and went to work with them.

http://www.catholicworldreport.com/Item/1909/atheist_secular_and_prolife.aspx

article at a probably catholic website abotu SPL and some of its possible predecessors, including a j00ish randian pro-life libertarian who split with rand over abortion.

https://web.archive.org/web/20160427000025/http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/oct/05/abortion-opposition-religious-atheists-must-help-fight-for-choice

scumbag at the guardian sez:::  “opposition to abortion is inherently a religious position, just like creationism or opposition to LGBT rights. ”

um no. hahahahaha. what have i been saying. its NOT an INHERENTLY religious position.

http://archive.is/FZ5nP

pro-murder atheists brutally bash the cute polish anti-murder gurl, doesnt matter that shes an atheist too. not that I like that she’s an atheist!

these people are truly VILE. just reading it for 1 minute makes the ole trigger finger itch hahahahahaha.

this is at freethoughtblogs dot com, which I absolutely do NOT recommend clicking on. hence the archive of their evil.

http://frc.org/arguments

pro life arguments for secular audiences. family research council. I know leftists hate this org.  FRC Stands for Faith, Family, and Freedom and is a bigass think tank.  but are they cuckservative zionists hahahaha.  will I accept cuckservative zionist pro-lifers as my allies hahahahaha. oooosh. now theres a REAL tough question. I mean you do realize who has been behind the abortion movement goy.

http://hopeafterabortion.com/

this one i guess is founded by catholics but will help even damn atheists who are feeling bad about their abortion.

i dunno. i just think its STUPID that something as common sense as being against Murder, has been made into something inherently religious, inherently “whackjob conservative”, inherently “anti-science”, inherently “anti-intellectual”, inherently extemist, hateful, bigoted, etc.

you dont say ANY of that about someone who’s against murder. most people ARE against murder!

and 60 years ago, people had the same common sense abotu abortion!

google secular pro-life groups

http://thebelltowers.com/2013/05/01/pro-life-without-god/

article by SPL founder gurl

http://www.nrlc.org/

right to life, biggest and oldest pro life organization. this does not look like religious wingnuttery to me!!!!!!

plan b aka the morning after pill aka “EMERGENCY CONTRACEPTION” wow.  not the same as RU 486 which is an abortion pill which can be taken at 5 to 7 weeks.

some shitty buzzfeed article (redundant to say that hahaha) from some sex positive sex educator slut who gives you 16 things you didnt know abotu the morning after pill.

if they put as much interest and initiative and studying into Moral Questions and the Rights of the Unborn as they did into Contraception and Consent and Exploring Their Sexuality……………………………  they would probably become anti-abortion. but they don’t and they’re not. largely because of how they choose to focus their time and efforts. isn’t this birth control NEAT! it allows me to enjoy my Sex Life Responsibly, and get maximum enjoyment!

i think it was the SPL group who had a bumper sticker saying “i might like sex, but I dont like it more than life itself” or something. there are more important things involved in sex than just your god damn physical pleasure, you god damn sicko degenerate.

people have a ton of sex ed in public school about condoms and contraceptives and abortion, but not a god damn word about Morality and Life Creation. So I think women are just IGNORANT because they havent been introduced to these topics. the same way a level 1 tech support person is IGNORANT of all the potentially useful stuff out there, like log files or process monitors or ways to automatically restore a crashed program.

theres all these unknown unknowns happening in the black box of the uterus. of course even the woman herself doesn’t know what goes on down there! in her own body!

its sad. well i think the more intelligent person will be curious enough to say, well when does life ACTUALLY begin.

also I am myself biased because i went to a religious high school and was raised in a religious family so naturally i had it drilled into me that abortion was wrong. but then i rebelled against all that during my college years, and i do mean ALL of it. religion, GOD, morality, pro-life. I became a full blown leftist communist marxist k1ke and supported womens right to abortion.

thank GOD I eventually grew out of that phase!

maybe if i had a gf or even was just banging bitches, i would be more in tune with the life creation process. like i always worried about getting a woman pregnant, even when there was no risk of me having actual secs at any point! i guess i always felt that getting pregnant was a real big deal, and i didn’t want it to have to come to the point of abortion.

thwart, dont abort as one of those groups said. meaning its ok to use rubbers. just had to mansplain that to all the ignorant women out there, hahahaha.

is this just because That Woman didnt seem very smart? very sharp? and I felt I had to mansplain everything to her and she just didnt GET things?

but she had two years of college and had a good GPA at it! so I think she was smarter than she seemed. but she was polite enough to know that being a smartypants is impolite.

i dont know. i am not intimidated by intelligent women. there’s just a big differnece bew

i bet religious pro lifers are more tolerant of atheist pro lifers than general atheists are!!!!!!

tons of recreational sex can warp a womans mind, and a mans mind too.

but also tons of pornography and tons of vidya games and no contact wiht women can really warp a mans mind too.

not sure what my point is hahaha.

maybe the only thing that will get a woman to think serious about the issue of abortion, is if she gets damn pregnant. and even then its no guarantee. she might just go ahead and do it because she believes what her teachers and society tells her: its a clump of cells thats a part of your body and you can do with it what you wish. its JUSTICE and FREEDOM that women have fought so hard for, against evil oppressors who tried to enslave your body. you getting an abortion is an act of social justice! you go grrrrl!!!!!!

white cadillac: a drink of whiskey (or scotch?) and MILK hahaha. the fatherland mentioned this and said it was a very black drink, but it was surprisingly good and really helps you sleep.

If i still drank I would be curious to try that hahaha.

google says no, the white cadillac is galliano and white creme de cacao?

anyway i like depressants that relax you and put you to sleep ahahaha.

yeah i overwhelmed her and that sucks, but she abandoned me and that sucks even more hahahaha.

took a little nyquil, i am back on taking a little nyquil every 2 or 3 days. ideally 3.

may 6

yeah that nyquil was all right.

listen. i dont consider myself super religious. i have always had pretty weak faith and very strong doubt. my moral code has been…..basically I try to give nonreligious reasons for all my moral opinions. and in doing so I believe I am getting at the same line of moral thought GOD and gods and deities have used to say something is wrong. thomas aquinas often appealed to “natural law” as well as scripture.

and its infuriating to me when idiots say anti-abortion is an inherently religious issue, when its so not.

THIS IS one of the great LIES the ((((LEFT)))) has pulled on us.

like one of the secular pro life groups says, you dont need to be religious to want to protect human life.

i hate how da j00s have made this a religious nutjob issue, instead of a BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS issue, like it really is. like SLAVERY. or the way they made pushing FOR abortion into a Human Rights and Freedom issue.

isnt that grotesque? arguing FOR abortion is a human rights issue, arguing against abortion is a religious nutjob, anti-human rights issue.

we cant allow them to frame the argument in this horribly misleading way!!!!!!!!!!

and encourage young dumb girls to do something horrible that they dont really understand!!!!!!!

which essentially makes them worse people , and they dont even understand why. they just become crazy and destructive and awful.  that’s your mind and soul acting out of rightful guilt for killing your baby hahahaha. but this guilt needs to be addressed. otherwise it can damage the lives of the people around you too. like if you sabotage your relationships with the people in your life. cheat on them, hurt them, push them away, abandon them, be a crazy bitch to them.

YOUR BODY DOESNT CARE IF ITS RELIGIOUS OR NOT.

Your Child Your Murdering doesn’t care if its religious or not.

(i would passive aggressively write “your” instead of “you’re” when I was texting or messaging her, because she was such a moron she didnt know the difference, and I wanted to SHOW her how ridiculous it looked…….but not knowing the difference, she never grasped it. people who have completed 2 years of college with a high gpa should not make these mistakes.)

yesterday i learned elliott smith was a college graduate who worked shitty random low wage jobs after graduating from a liberal arts college with a philosophy degree.  he also became a nutcase lunatic with big problems with drugs and alcohol and despair. but at least he became a successful and respected musician.  he could use his Issues to make a lot of actually good music. I cant do that hahahaha. and it wasn’t enough to help him!

yet he was clearly charismatic enough to get jobs and to get gurlfrans! there is solid evidence that he had secs with at least 3 women in his life ahahahaha!

what would have helped him? i guess he actually went to rehab but didnt like the 12 steps. ok thats fair. so do a non 12 step program.

near the end of his life he went cold turkey off all drugs and alcohol. but he was still taking psych meds for depair, also benzos for anxiety, and adderall for ADD when he died.

hmmm. I would say yeah get rid of the drugs and alcohol and then slowwwwly taper off the psych meds if you really want. or maybe just give them a chance to try to work.

maybe he was all on edge from quitting drugs and alcohol, and that actually gave him the Anxious Impulsivity as well as the Energy to Suddenly Kill Himself without thinking. just grab the knife and stab himself and then as hes dying he thinks, OH SHIT, i didnt really want to do that!

so yeah its sad. but musicians are a weird and crazy bunch and he probably was obnoxious to be around. musicians are selfish and annoying. they sell out their friends and luvers so they can obsess about their shitty music. but at least his music was not shitty.

but yeah i didnt know he had finished a college degree. like me it was a useless degree that didnt help him get a proper job. After college his music career gradually took off. can’t say the same happened with me hahahaha. I don’t really want to write songs anymore. I wrote one ok song after college and I’m happy with that, but, just dont care about writing music. I care about being a free, proud man, and finding and good wife, and securing the existence of my people and a future for my children.

and upholding the DIGNITY and SANCTITY of human life. I tell you what, a pro-life woman is also probably NOT gonna be a huge slut. because she fully realizes the power of the life creation process, and is not gonna have casual sex ever. MY KINDA WOMAN.

A PRO LIFE WOMAN IS MY KINDA WOMAN.

Yeah I happily use the term pro-life, because it makes the anti-lifers so ASSMAD. BUTTHURT. TRIGGERED.

and its just sad that modern women are such MORAL INFANTS that they cant recognize the moral horror of abortion, that unborn children are living humans, and that Fun Sex is the Powerful Process that creates these innocent human lives. If you can’t grasp these things, and SO many people don’t, you are a moral INFANT.

no men arent innocent either. but women have a little more responsibility here, because only women have the POWER to get pregnant.

so i feel better when i read testimonies by staunchly pro-life women. I wish I knew some real life staunchly pro life women. I guess I sort of do, some older religious women hahahaha. but i especially mean younger millennial women. marriageable women ahhahaha. potential wives.

nothing says i’d make a great mother than a woman who openly says i support the right to murder my own children!!!!! hahahahaha.

i still have the desire to smoke MJ. i still want to rationalize why its not completely degenerate, turning promising young people into lazy losers.  i say well it can help with despair and anxiety. maybe in the short term, but in the long term, it just makes these things WORSE! or does it?

like i’ve said, back when I was working my terribly stressful job and dealing with the stress of that woman and our rel getting worse, coming home after a long horrible day and not having a lot of time before the next horrible day, smoking MJ was easily the high point (hahahahha pun sort of intended) of my day. in these bleak conditions, I much preferred having MJ to not having MJ. it really provided some much needed relief. helped me sleep when getting good sleep was very important. so it is this experience that makes me think MJ isnt so bad after all.

or is it???!?!?!?!

horry SHEET it costs THIRTY DOLLARS A MONTH to buy linkedin premium on the LOWEST plan, for Job Seekers. are you KIDDING???!?!?!?!?! I would have maybe thought about FIVE dollars a month. how the FOOK can they get away with that? who is paying that shit!!!!!!

the REcruiter plan is one HUNDRED dollars a month. does that mean all these 27 year old attractive women IT recruiters contacting me for help desk call centers are each paying 100 dollars a month for their linkedin access??!?!?!?!?!

I would pay 5 dollars a month MAYBE. yet they can get away with charge SIX TIMES that for what I am looking for.

does that mean its SIX TIMES harder to get a job than I think? And I already think its kind of hard! that you need to apply for about 7500 jobs before you finally successfully get a job. so maybe you really need to apply for like 48000 jobs? hahahahahaha.

Privileged Baby Boomers didnt have to apply for 48000 jobs in 1970 to get a fulltime job that allowed them to have a family and live in a safe neighborhood!

you just got out of high school and starting working!

people with BAD ATTITUDES could be hired for good jobs! you just had to be WILLING TO WORK!

applied for account clerk 1 with county family health service department. like 26 k a year. ok thats more my style. probably talking to poor blacks all day complaining about not gibs me enuff food stampz mufugga. gibs me mo food stamps what can pay fo mah bluntz and hennesey.

and then i would be like silly negro, food stamps cant pay for booze, take it up with the fedgov. its because fuhrer god emperor trump doesnt care about black people hahahahahahahahahahahaha i will say as I strike a pepe pose with my trump hat hahahaha.

i have applied for countless jobs on this county job website and havent gotten so much as an invitation to a damn test. the city has been much more active on that front than the county.

does MJ HELP despair and anxiety……or does it make it WORSE?

ok i did it, just sent my first dnation to TRS. I have been wanting to do this for a while. I would have just sent 5 dollars but you have to send them BTC so I sent them .01488 BTC which is $6.75. FINE. they are all about the 1488 and really so am I!!!!!!!

other people i would like to donate to are millennial woes and weev. but I would rather save those for another day hahaha. dont want to blow my load all at once.  and maybe a secular abortion group like the one with that polish gurl who is very courageous and principled and moral. there is probably less “OVERHEAD” here than with a large org like right to life with lots of paid staff hahaha.

http://www.businessinsider.com/trickiest-interview-questions-from-best-companies-in-america-2016-5

stupid dickhead questions for jobs, where the best answer is suck muh dick you worthless virgin f4ggot and then walk out after farting tons of taco bell fartz in their faces.

no one has ever luved a person like i luved her, and had their heart broken like she broke mine, hahahahahaha. this is the first time in all of history.

but honestly. just show some common courtesy to someone who used to be your friend at least. its not like i sold you out and belittled you and showed you how little I cared about you. quite the opposite! i didnt do anything to make you feel SNUBBED and worthless. like you did to me hahahaha. just tell me I mattered a little bit to you and you are sorry to hurt me and wish me good luck in life and say goodbye, it was nice knowing you. you can say all that in 140 characters or less.

Now I cant even look at qt college gurls on linkedin because I have made myself fully public and they will be able to see my name if i look at their profile. Assuming they are also set to public.

you didnt have to luv me. i just really wanted you to show me a LITTLE caring and kindness, rather than ABSOLUTE ZERO. I kinda did feel entitled to a LITTLE kindness.

to that person: yeah I should have been more clear about exactly how important you were to me. yeah I see how those feelings would be scary to a person. and make them run away like a scared animal. but I wish you had come back and said something after your initial fright. even before I got feelings  I felt our friendship was pretty special and pretty good, and I think you did too. I wish when it all ended you had expressed appreciation for that nice friendship we had. Even without feelings, that was a special friendship to me. It’s not every day you meet someone and get along with them so well, and you continue getting along well for several years. I don’t make friends like that very often and have never had that many close friends. I think you are the same way. But now I don’t know any more. because the person I thought I knew would probably say something to me. Its ok to be angry. Its ok to be scared and nervous. I just wish you wrote me an email. I wish you didnt hate me for getting feelings. It makes things awkward and complicated and yeah it does ruin the friendship and I am sorry for causing you pain because of that. I just wish you didn’t hate me for it. You totally running away from me and blocking me hurts me a LOT. Is this some kind of punishment for me liking you? Maybe. But I think being blocked and ignored is inherently more hurtful than getting feelings for someone.  I never wanted to hurt you. I wish you cared about not hurting me.  This is the worst endings to one of the best relationships I ever had, and I was just asking for your cooperation and effort in ending it a little more smoothly, and you couldn’t even agree to do that.

end of letter to that person for this post hahahaha.

did a 3.64 mile walk outside in the nice may weather. wonder if you can get real vitamin d from the sun when it is after high noon. hopefully a little.

protip: if you are “lucky” enough to share significant musical interests with a woman, don’t ever go to a concert of that person with that woman. like you like the musician enough to actually want to go to their concert, and she does too. just go by yourself and try to make sure she never finds out about the concert hahahaha. cuz seeing a musician like this will likely be an important positive memory in your life, and you dont want it to be Tainted by her being there. because you are much more likely to have a falling out with her than to stop liking that musician. and your thing with her will end, and you WONT EVEN BE ABLE TO ENJOY THE MEMORY of when you saw them in concert because SHE was there with you.

I say this as a person for whom concerts of beloved musicians are Big Important Life Memories. You will know if you are one of those people.

I saw not one but two very important life concerts with her and now I can’t really enjoy those memories as much as I SHOULD. because they also partially remind of me of HER. And how we shared important musical tastes. and got along so well wawawawawawaw.

but yeah its so fooking gay when management has no idea how to do the work done by the people they manage. which is why managers should be promoted from within. or at least be SOLIDLY trained in the work their people do. or come from the same industry.

 

YOUR SHOT IN THE DARK IS AS GOOD AS THEIR BEST PRACTICES

[ NOV 9 2016::: yep pretty big deal about this election. just enjoying the schadenfreude, taste the tears of shitlib losers hahaha. obviously happy about the YUGE BIGLY victory. we are going to DRAIN THE SWAMP and BUILD THE WALL. glad to see a VINDICATION for FOOKING WHITE MALES. these are MY PEOPLE and I am glad that real everyday Working White people have some Real Political Power. I thought hillary was gonna win so this is a pleasant surprise. the shitlib tears and butthurt is absolutely AMAZING, i LUV it, though wish I knew some more IRL trump fans. and sometimes i do get triggered by the butthurt, esp white males crying about how much white people SUCK, thats very rustling, but you know what, YOU LOST, TRAITOR hahahahaha. there is talk that it was WHITE WOMEN who pushed trump towards victory, if that is true, then that makes me feel a HELL of a lot better about white women. selling out their gender to submit to the white patriarchy. just do me a favor and look at how antiwhite the anti-trump people are. really think about that. there’s nothing you can do, whitey, to keep the left from hating you. you have to become like THAT, and constantly say whites sucks, whites suck, whites suck, for the left to like you.

oh yeah. in case muh READERS were unaware, and I appreciate my 30 followers, THANK YOU!!!! but you HAVE to realize by now, I am a trump supporter, I am a part of the Alt-Right Movement, I am a White Racist, and I am Pro-White and all about The 14 Words: We Must Secure The Existence of Our People and a Future For White Children. I don’t HATE anybody, but I can’t possibly convince anyone of that, and its not worth the effort trying. I mean I HATE that people have become so anti-white!!!!!

But its because its all karma for slavery and oppression the white man has perpetrated, right, so now we have to pay it back, always and forever. karmas a bitch, and it will be SO GREAT when these WHITE PEOPLE are out of power, but we gotta go thru 4 more years of suffering, maybe 8, hahahahaha.

these people are antiwhite as fook and I just cannot accept that. and there are plenty of whites who are like, yeah, but white people DESERVE IT. Whites have done SO much injustice! Whites DESERVE it! hell yeah I’m gonna check my privilege and fight for a world where whites are no longer a majority!

Yeah well I’m not that kind of white and I am happy Our Guy won. Yeah we are definitely projecting a ton of shit onto him, he will probably end up selling out and softening, but i say give him a chance. he tapped into REAL white working class populist shit like no candidate has in my lifetime, and I appreciate that fully. (Plenty of college edumacated white professionals certainly do not!)

anyway enjoy the shitlib tears, you’ll get to enjoy them for the next 4 years, hopefully 8 HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. and if trump ever falters, there will be another to take his place. he’s opened the gate and we will certainly see more blatantly alt-right (pro white) candidates in the future…..and we will NEED them.

BUILD THE WALL, repeal the immigration act of 1965 hahahaha.

you will get moar election related poasts in like june 2017, thats how far behind this thing is.

]

april 29 2016:::

i was listening to the fatherland podcast and they started talking about the Neet Question in such a serious way that it nearly brought a tear to my eye. The host Jim is very good at that, i think he was getting emotional too, as he shared the story of his sad, pathetic, 40 year old neet brother.

https://radio.therightstuff.biz/2016/04/20/the-fatherland-episode-23-the-nq/

I wouldnt mind a whole show talking like this about neets, but yeah it IS really sad and despairing and might even make the tuff marine NO1 cry like a baby when you confront the stark sad reality of it, rather than treat neets like a joke. co host and executive longsuffering produce bradan agrees, that we treat the neet question with too much jest, when in reality, being a neet is GRIM and SAD as FOOK.

but yeah this show is so good, thats the reason i have permalinked in in the sidebar. and the show is just getting better with honest talks such as this.

a 40 year old neet whose life never really moved forward after high school. he is a weirdo with a small world and a small mind and can only play or talk about vidya games. he is too weird to spend much time with his young niece. jim admits some similar tendencies but was able to overcome them and find a good wife and some kind of tolerable job.

believe me, i dont like being a neet at ALL. its HORRIBLE.

but also being at a terrible job is also terrible. its honestly about as bad. the shame of being a neet will seem like a good bargain. in fact i think it still is a good bargain. and i TURNED DOWN a job on a SILVER PLATTER to go back to another call center.

also I learned my lesson, to not even look at her NAME on facebook. I can write her name or talk about her, but to see her actually writing or saying things herself is too much.

yeah shes got a right to exist and i will not infringe that, but I am dead to her, so she should be figuratively irrelevant and invisible to me. its not good for me to SEE her living her life in any way. she’d rather talk to other people than talk to me ever again.

but yeah it sucks to have someone be a good influence on you and you want more of them in your life…..but you are a bad influence on them and they want you out of their life. this is devastating to the self confidence.

in other words I should have not gone to that facebook page where she was likely to post. then I saw the most innocuous post ever from her and was triggered just by her saying 1 sentence to other people. cuz thats more than she would say to me. imagine if her picture showed her face or body or her with a new BF or she was making lots of in depth posts like I do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anyway that was yesterday this is today. new day.

its not like i was looking for her. I was looking for Public News Stories about the Job, about the center being SHUT DOWN and about 50 ft jobs being cut in the city. easily the type of thing that could appear in a business news section. i guess I should have known better about clicking on a FACEBOOK page in the google search results.

its like deep down i WANTED to see if her name was there, and when I did see it, I got bad sad fee fees hahahaha. DONT DO THAT!!!!!

damn that TON album slow deep and hard is really good. one of their best. it is arguably more carnivore than TON but I don’t mind. also I don’t find the production as shitty as the band does. I think the production is great, everything sounds great. There is a great arrangement ear for songwriting here. great songs made up of great riffs. almost every song is coverable. yeah ok some parts are stronger than others and one song starts to drag after 9 minutes, but this is all excuseable. Pete’s vocals are very very on point. he is a very good scream/shouter.  the album perfectly captures heartbreak and betrayal and despair and anger and all that. I have just enjoyed the album more and more over the past 17 or 18 years since I first heard it hahahaha wow. I could always come back to this album.

And yeah the goth/rock/fun influences they added on bloody kisses are great too. I enjoy that album greatly too. but SDH has a real edge to it. And some argue that “Der Untermensch” aka “Waste of Life” does not fit the theme…..but DAT RIFF is so good I don’t care. plus it kinda does fit the theme. Often when you are heartbroken the only thing that can get your mind off The Woman, is the idea of how Shitty And Disgusting Other People are, hahaha. Degenerate Deadbeat Parasites, hahaha.

Origin of the Feces is also very good despite its completely degenerate, 3edgy5u cover art. the covers of hey joe and paranoid are outstanding. they even play the waste of life riff once, at a super slow snails pace, which is how I would do my cover of the whole song hahaha. They should have done the whole song like that on OOF. The rearrangements are somewhat hit or miss, but even the “misses” are enjoyable.

i am very good about going to the Gym….but my GOD are the people ANNOYING. they are not intimidating as I once worried, but they are just ANNOYING as FOOK. at this point I crank up the speed or incline and listen to “waste of life” again hahaha. arabs that bathe in cologne. arabs and albanians that speak loudly in arabic or albanian. people talking on their phones loudly. blacks who listen to their rap music and move their arms and legs in an obnoxious “swagger” sort of way as the rap guys say profound, inspiring, admirable, noble, good things about crack and bitches be bitches and dolla dolla bills yall and gettin turnt up on purple drank and banging ratchet white becky bitches and going to the trap house and smoking blunts erry day. shit I would rather be a 40 year old neet virgin hahaha than a degenerate moron.

did I mention the story of the older arab woman who was chattering loudly in arabic and couldnt figure out how to use the treadmill and then turned it up too high and then fell down on the treadmill right next to me. Now I want to help any elderly people regardless of race, but I just froze and couldnt think quickly. now I know that you should just press the stop button on the treadmill hahaha. i stood there like an idiot and quickly a staff member who spoke arabic came rushing up, and i snuck away and went to a treadmill on the other end of the facility.

the staff has been very very good. friendly and professional and I have been nothing but impressed by these decent young people.

or people with stupid tattoos, and attractive young women with skin tight clothing. they dont need to do this.

but overall it has been a good experience because i am exercising reguarly and burning a lot of calories. and putting up with the annoying people. but my god are they fookin ANNOYING. it makes me feel very hateful, like i could never relate to people or make friends or get along with women hahahaha. feel very misanthropic.

but hey it gets my mind off that woman, and it helps me lose weight, so its all good.

also I have definitely made SOME progress in the past 9 months. I dont think about that woman AS much. it IS slooooooooooooooooooowly getting better. so thank GOD for that.

im still not sure what I WANT from her. as in, do I WANT her to contact me and apologize? sort of, but I also WANT her to be with me, and I would use that towards that end, unsuccessfully. get my hopes up again. or be disappointed that she wasnt apologizing well enough, didnt seem to understand. disappointed if she wanted to be just friends, while she fooked guys and lived life and makes money and we went to a much more superficial shallow friendship than we had in the past.

i mean the shit that happened between us is MAJOR and really the only way to get through it would be to have HOURS of conversation about it, and probably for her to wholeheartedly commit to me as a monog long term GF. t show me a lot of luv and support and effort. make time for ME. WANT to spend time with me. dont nag me because you make more money than me.  these are all pretty big things to ask, which she prob wouldnt be willing or able to do.

we’d have to both get back to the level of closeness we had before, in the good times, AND move that forward into a Definite Dating Rel. THAT is what I want, and that is VERY unlikely to happen even if she DOES contact me at some point. at BEST she would give a halfhearted apology, talk about how good she’s doing, and then move on with her successful life after appeasing her guilt with this one small token.

still not ready to return to facebook yet. that will take at least a year hahahah. and really. how useful was facebook anyway? I dont really miss it. I’m kinda glad to be RID of it. stalking people I never talk to, reading peoples bullshit news feeds, comparing myself to them. I very well may NEVER go back to facebook. facebook is a net negative.

all my real friends have my email and phone and I have THEIR email and phone.

I would recommend You All try deactivating your facebook for at least a month or 3 and see how it works for you! It’s been a pretty good thing for me!

trump protestors. what pathetic subhumans hahahaha. i don’t like any of the non trump candidates but Im not gonna fooking PROTEST them. carl the cuck and aids skrillex losers. ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW. WOW. JUST WOW. I CANT EVEN. YOURE A FOOKING WHITE MALE.

shit i give the recruiter a list of thirty names, and they respond with yeah the center closing is not confidential because we already know about it. if you have any referrals id greatly appreciate it.

WTF?!??!?!?!?!?!??!??!!!????!!!???!!!???!!!??!?!?!?!????!!?!?!

you’re making 50 grand a year and this is the level of cluelessness you show?

it’s just been really hard for me to understand people making good money for being clueless, incompetent, and inefficient, in the business world, which is supposed to trim fat and increase efficiency.

they aim to do that on paper…….. but give the surface the SLIGHTEST scratch, and you will find HORRIFYING disorganization and incompetence. managed by a team of college educated managers. its an OBVIOUS DISGRACE the way these companies are run. if their CUSTOMERS saw this, they would RUN AWAY and the company would RIGHTFULLY go out of business. I hate this shit. I guess I have THAT much respect for asshole customers hahaha. i just REFUSE to scam and bullshit people.

I suppose “referral” must mean here is the persons phone number, you can call them, and I’ve gotten express permission from them to have you contact them and say I referred them. I didn’t say this. I wanted to be kept anonymous and really gave them a bunch of “leads” as opposed to “referrals.”

hey I dont know best practices in the recruiting field!

But I guess that makes me just as smart and competent as someone WORKING IN the recruiting field!

You want to hope that people are skilled experts……but you know JUST AS MUCH as the “EXPERTS!”

your shot in the dark is just as good as their best practices!!!!!!!

THEY DONT KNOW THEIR OWN BEST PRACTICES!!!!!!! and they are PAID for this service!!!!!!!

HOW DO THESE COMPANIES SURVIVE?????? AND THEY DO!!!!!!!!

i am VERY frustrated by this.

then you take it too far and start doubting all experts and start becoming anti-science and anti-intellectual. evolution is just a “THEORY” hahahaha. dinosaurs are just a “THEORY”.

but questioning authority is generally a good thing.

it would suck if trump has a heart attack or something. he is like 70 years old, how can he be so high energy all the time. I know he is in great health, but….i mean I just dont want him to overexert himself. he has to live for at least the next 8 years hahaha. he is our only hope hahaha.

questions for potential wife.txt: why don’t you have any respect for human life or the process that creates it?

hahahahaha.

ok took some time to complete a decent application for a university FT clerk job I would be stupid not to apply for.

a few months ago i would have been like noooo the whole application process is too excruciating. but i have come a long way baby. i converted my txt files to doc files this time around, see if that helps.  included link to shiny new linkedin profile.

open office, when you save as a doc file, does not show the god damn date modified whatsoever! so stupid! this is persuading me to try libre office now.

I lost somebody who was important to me in a very hurtful way and it hurt me a lot! and they dont seem to care at all! these facts cannot be denied hahaha. that is the basics of the situation. show some care and concern about me and the good, valuable, important friendship we had!

well i am not the worst neet becuase I care about lifting myself up from neetness. I dont want to be a neet. I apply for jobs and talk to recruiters and take assessments and put on semi nice clothes and shave. I apply for dozens of jobs. I exercise regularly and am successfully losing weight. I care about things other than anime and vidya. I dont like these things at all. all this puts me WAY ahead of the average neet.

but yeah if i had to do a masters degree, it would probably be a psychology related thing to neets and or marriage and relationships. all with a heavy counseling angle.

so you see why I am not chomping at the bit to do a masters degree. there is NO WAY you can make this degree profitable. unless you get into a decent all expenses paid PHD program…..and that is not gonna happen.

it would literally be more profitable for me to work in a call center the rest of my life.

hahahahha some phaggot protester is holding a sign saying TRUMP = NAZI omg hahahaha. this is literally the level of these people. it sounds like a parody but its REALITY.

literally literally literally. heh. get this word out of your vocabulary. you’ve been hanging out with WOMEN too much. fook that shit. dont talk like a WOMAN hahahaha.

come on. WOMEN arent that bad. even SHE wasnt that bad. sure she was a little dumb and annoying when i mattered THE MOST but that doesnt make her a bad person. i just wish she had been better to me, and that she recognizes the error of her ways and asks to BE with me. not gonna happen, hahaha.

fookin recruiters. another jackass bitch from linkedin wanting to recruit for a “technical support ENGINEER” who “enjoys solving complex technical problems.”  this wouldnt be so bad if it didnt mean CALL CENTER where you are forced to cut corners and bullshit people on complex problems just to “handle” the most calls as quickly as possible.

email us back with the exact error code and we will get back to you within 72 hours. even though you told them exactly when and where it happened.

also they tell YOU to be more specific and to give more information……but they are not specific about what information. tell us the line number and your computer properties. COMPUTER PROPERTIES??????

I would ASSUME that what they want is the stuff under “computer properties” when you press shift+pause break. excuse me, win+pausebreak. =  System Information.

normies don’t know how to win+pausebreak and I wouldnt expect them to. I bet SHE didnt know about win+pausebreak.  that INCOMPETENT MORON who didnt DESERVE her job!!!!! hahaha. i only learned about it from an autistic level 1 guy. he loved the shit out of vidya and anime.

MAYBE i could go back to a tech support call center later in life when i have more strength and confidence and toughness, and then actually make some good money. some people actually do make a good living in this field. like she is shaping up to be one of those people. i was shaping up to be one of those people until i had my breakdown. because of HERRRRRRR hahahaha. no because of my Inability To COPE with Herrrrrrrrrrr.

unsuccessfully coping with the natural beauty of being thrown away like a piece of garbage hahahaha

thats a TON reference

(type o negative)

see I think my jokes are funny but you kinda need other people to think the jokes are funny in order for them to be REALLY funny.

literally funny.

its not funny if NO ONE GETS the joke.

ok libre office documents show the date modified. that settles it. i am switching over.

shit i cant believe i looked at porn in november hahahah. that brings my streak back to under 6 months.

actually its techincally less since i saw some SLUT on TUMBLR in like february…….but I eventually forced myself to stop looking at that and didnt Jerk Off to the dirty degenerate fatherless whore spreading her cvnt and asshole to the whole world and calling it erotic art.

heh. anti hillary and anti bernie protesters are not as degenerate and uncouth and barbaric as these disgraceful anti trump protestors. just fooking riff raff.

yeah it would have been so nice to have a normie relship with a woman i really liked and really got along with. i have not cuddled with a gurl in like 11 years, havent had good heterosexual fun in 11 years. the closest was a retarded very random drunken make out session with a random drunk gurl a little over 10 years ago, but even that was a big dropoff in fun from the 11 years ago action. that (the 11 years one) was with some bitch i was in luv with…..but we didnt actually KNOW each other or really get along with each other, they way I did with woman2015. it just felt really good to have a cute gurl making out with me rubbing against muh d hahahaha. you get harder than you ever could to porno.

and if i could have done that with HER, it would have been even better. cuz we had something REAL hahaha.

it just sucks that she has experienced being in a rel for 5 years, and me for never more than 3 shitty months hahahah.

so when we had a good 2 year friendship, that meant a lot to me. thats a LOT to get from a woman. for me. women usually want nothing to do with me, and i want nothing to do with them. a total mgtow hahahaha.

i mean i dont want random secs, i want a rel. and in a way, i did have a rel with her. so its no surprise i got deep feelz for her.

those other gurls i made out and cuddled and fell in luv with…..we never had a real rel. I had a more real rel with That Woman. and a real rel means a lot to me.

All Yall Bitches an Hoes just cannot understand this and need it severely Mansplained haha.

Men understand Relationships and Luv much better than Women do.  Such a shame men need women to have a Hetero RElationship hahahahaha.

no not all women are so incompetent at relationships. in fact SHE was VERY competent in OTHER relationships! she just didnt want to be competent with ME! i’m not even TALKING about her wanting a rel with me! I’m talking about her wanting to be COMPETENT with me!

its not fair to her and really not fair to me either to blame it on her being a dumb whore…..because shes not. i purposely stay away from dirty whores. i am DONE with dirty whores and refuse to associate with that filth. you see too much of that, and you begin to think all women are like that, and thats how you become a true woman hater.

she was not a dirty whore but she STILL hurt me deeply. just a difficult, sad, tough situation with no easy answers hahahaha. well other than i need to be more assertive and timely with my communication. just take charge of shit and not let it get out of hand.

why dont companies give good training to their employees?

because it costs too much money!

why dont companies give good service to their customers?

because it costs too much money!

now you’re getting it!!!!!!

believe me i am not anti-business!!!!! and i say fook “corporate social responsibility!” but i say companies should have a responsibility to train their employees to provide GOOD service to their customers!

just run a business like a good decent honest white man would! thats it!!!! and that really IS too much to ask.

its really not too much to ask to ask women to be decent and mature people. i dont want this event to make me think that all women are horribly immature and cant act responsibly in a relationship.  they just never have with ME hahahaha.

well thats not even true. the sluts i never even really knew treated me more responsibly and maturely than the woman I Truly Knew did.

oh well. just find some damn dirty whore because thats all women are anyway.

NO RESPECT FOR HUMAN LIFE OR THE PROCESS THAT CREATES IT.

Well maybe they respect human life……..just not the process that creates it.  thats acceptable right?

NOPE.

because its a slippery slope to not respecting human life period. getting abortions and cheating and lying and screwing and j00ing and abandoning and betraying.

they dont understand this though.

I guess they dont need to udnerstand it, as long as they dont Act like whores and do all those horrible things. actions speak louder than understanding or not understanding hahahaa.

also they might not UNDERSTAND it but they still have a solid moral code that says “casual sex is gross and I Just Don’t Do That.” that’s MORE than good enough for me hahahaha.

Casual Sex to me is when you know the guy less than two months before fooking them. Shit I would LIKE at least SIX months, but if you were to look at the Distribution Curve…..you’d probably find a Big Hump at like ONE month.

we need to bring that up to six months, at least.

sex before two months, abortions, cheating, these bitches have no guilt or shame about these things.

hahahaha.

she probably felt SOME guilt about the way she dumped me, rightfully so. she just probably got OVER that guilt a LOT quicker than I got over the pain and got over her. I want the pain of guilt for her to be at LEAST 50% of the pain I felt from being Walked Out On by an Important Person.

not 100, not 90, just 50. i take responsibility for 50% of my feelings hahahahahahahaha.

also, if she had TRIED, she could have saved me 10% of my pain, at least. it doesnt sound like a lot……but 10% of a billion dollars is still a LOT of money. so she would have saved me a LOT of pain, and i would have APPRECIATED it a LOT. I would have been a LOT less bitter.

this was a very SAD thing and I was/am very BITTER as well as sad.

yeah i will get over it all, it will just take a LONG time and she could have helped make that time shorter with just a LITTLE effort on her part. show ANY effort. a LITTLE effort is a LOT better than NO effort.

also it would have been nice if, as a part of quickly getting over her guilt, she did SOMETHING, made a GESTURE of penance and amends as part of appeasing that guilt.

i mean if she did that now….well i would just ask her, is there any chance you would want to go out with me. yes or no. NOT i dont know. if theres a chance lets try it. if theres not, tell me NO. not MAYBE. if maybe, lets just try it. like you dont fook guys you know less than two months hahahaha you cvmhungry whore. cvmgry.

i am indecisive and dont know on alot of stuff. confused and unsure and on the fence. but when it comes to the women i luv, i am All In for Them. of that there is no doubt. certainly I have never been on the receiving end, but I would like a woman to give me a CHANCE for more than 2 or 3 months hahahaha. how can I not even last 3 months. that is a bit humiliating. theyd rather get their ass pounded by swarthy strangers than hang out with ME. you start to develop an inferiority complex. like you arent Cool or Sexy or Exciting or Manly enough for Women.

heh. at this point i dont care that the women from 11, 12 years ago are WAY more successful than me. And one day I will not care that woman2015 is way more successful than me hahaha. I do wish I were a little more successful though. successful enough to pull a decent woman ahahaha.

and i found a decent woman and we were good friends for a long time wawawawawawawa. and then it ended in the worst way ever wawawawwawa.

hahahahaha i was more than cool enough for her until i started liking her hahaha. then that was just GHASTLY and ABOMINABLE and HORRIFYING to her. ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING. thanks i appreciate that hahaha.

fookin .05/.10 holdem hahahaha. getting into the big leagues now.  this is about 2 to 4 cents. when i sit down with a 10.00 chip stack that is about $4.54 USD.

heh. well maybe in january 2017 my state will have legal w33d and i will be getting blazed all the time hahahahaha. like that is a good thing.  then i would fail all these goddamn drug tests.

i mean when an important person in your life goes away, it leaves a VOID. i wouldnt mind filling that void. sometimes smoking MJ is a way you can filled various voids. probably not a good thing though.

i am just mad she can handle a grown up job and make good money. yes it is discouraging to have women who reject you also make more money than you and be more career successful than you. whatever happened to the wage gap. i thought men were supposed to make more than women. and if you are a man who is very bad at making money, you will be considered invisible or repulsive by women. I mean she is 8 years younger than me and makes 3 dollars an hour more than I am looking for!!!!

when a MUCH younger WOMAN makes a LOT more money than you…..that is humiliating. especially when she has rejected you extremely harshly.

 

BE MORE EFFICIENT = CUT CORNERS; BE GENTLE WITH PEOPLES HEARTS AS A GENERAL RULE OF LIFE

april 26

had somewhat weird dream, did not include the woman, but included references to at least three other women. one was “woman4” aka “woman2005b”. the two other women in the dream were gurls that I was fond of in my middle school years. back in the 90s hahahaha. but i  never became friends with them or talked to them. one was a disgusting problem mudshark badboi luver even at age 14 hahahaha. mudshark slut at 14. not a good sign. turrible choice, total trash, but for some reason i was fixated on her. other one was a much better choice: a happy healthy nice sweet gurl also in my grade who I really should have made an effort with. kind sweet girl, nice, pretty, i dont know why i wasnt more obsessed with her at the time. would have been a good wife and mother of children. If i knew her just a years later, i prob would have fallen in totes luv with her.

this all might be my brains way of telling me SEE, you can get feelings for other women too, like you had for THAT woman, you also had feelings for at least 3 other women, so, you WILL get over this.

or maybe its suggesting that That Woman was a mix of many women, many traits: she was super nice and kind and friendly like that one nice gurl, AND she was a bit of “rebel” because of her MJ and rock and roll music, AND she was a Mudshark In Training, but not a huge mudshark or huge slut, and she was cold and uncaring too hahaha.

TLDR: I should have just got with the nice sweet brown haired girl in middle school and lived happily ever after. too bad i didnt know her in high school. you hear of high school sweethearts but never middle school sweethearts. i think you are just too young to make those decisions at that age. hahahha. kind of like how at age 18 you are too young to make long term decisions about college and career. you just want to fook and smook MJ and drink and fook like a degen1993r hahahaha. But its also a good time to be married to your high school luver and start having keeids. i mean you CAN work and support keeids. you just cant make great decisions about fookin grad skool and what your career will be in 10 years. you need a lot of firm guidance to keep you on the straight and narrow and not turn into a wayward degen1993r. a young wife and kids and steady job would probably do that for you.

well some industrious, initiative showing 18 year olds are able to get FT jobs, and by the time they are 21, they are management tier, and they never lose that. they go to another company and start as a manager.

poor me, i keep getting knocked down to level 1 and have never advanced beyond level 1! and i’m way older than 21!!!!!! and I might be old enough to be the father of an 18 year old hahahaha.

fook. she was always a poor me im a victim of circumstance, woe is me, i get shit on, im a victim, too. i dont know if she wanted pity and sympathy, maybe. I like getting pity and sympathy a LITTLE bit. also she had a legit tuff life and just a lot of bad stuff happened. just unfortunate.

but yeah i just get angery thinking about her moving up in her career, like a NORMIE, while i keep moving DOWN. who moves DOWN? LOSERS. who moves UP? NORMIES.

well i HAVE moved UP though. job2013 to job2015 was a big step up in terms of status and money. and also ungodly stress and being pushed to your LIMIT. theres a difference between getting out of your comfort zone, and being on the verge of a nervous breakdown all the time hahahaha.  the difference between Eustress and Distress. I cant believe some management asshole invented the word Eustress.  GET IN THE OVEN NOW.

i remember that slut mudshark white trash girl from middle school still looked bangable somewhat recently, I looked her up on facebook hahaha. maybe she would bang me if i contacted her because she thinks im successful and rich now because i was a huge smartie dork in middle school. hahahahaha jokes on her. whos the real asshole here hahahaha. i would just bang her in the ass 6000000 times before I revealed I was neither rich nor successful hahahaha. just blow her 30 year old ass OUT.  i dont recall seeing any babies or black boifrans in the pictures. i did see a Big Guy white trashy boifran in some pictures tho hahaha.  like a 36 year old guy who in 2016 his favorite band is pantera, who has to be bribed with tons of secs in order to dress up in a shirt and tie for a special occasion hahahaha because only faggots wear anything but pantera tshirts all the time hahahaha. and have tattoos of skulls and white zombie devil girls or some shit. and at age 36 thinks its awesome to be smooking tons of MJ and drinking tons of beer and whiskey. but he makes an ok living at his construction job and has moved up to foreman or supervisor or some shit. he will probably get hooked on Opioids for back pain. and become an even more surly and angry Opioid Addict hahahaha. and she is hopelessly in luv with that guy. will give 200% to him. give him all the chances in the work. make an effort to make it work with him.

i dont know why i liked her. because she was really hawt thats why. and I thought it was so sad that she was throwing herself away on such trashy guys. i wanted to totally be her white knight. why couldnt she be a NICE GURL. she must be breaking her fathers heart. did her father even CARE? she had a sister who wasnt such a bigass whore….or was she? anyway I kinda knew she was a Bad Choice, and I was vaguely aware of that Nice Gurl being a much better choice…..the timing was just bad. if i were to meet that nice girl just a few years later. maybe i should look HER up. i dont want to go on facebook though. i think i DID look her up but couldnt find her.

anyway who cares. i am going to this unpaid orientation meeting for the call center 17 dah job. why am i not even nervous about that? because its not the actual job. im going to the recruiters office. not the job site where the actual phones are answered and minds lost hahaha.

does andrew zimmern the joo still smook MJ or is he totally clean. i want him to do a show on his drug addict past.

once again went to fatclub yesterday and saw this woman who used to work with Me and That Woman. I never really talked to this other woman so now when I see her at the fatclub I ignore and avoid her hahahaha. I guess I could try to bang her but she seems kinda bitch and crazy. would be fun to bang but not fun to hang out with hahahaha.

so you dont hang out with them! just bang them and leave! the more you hang out with them not bnaging them, the less they want to bang you anyway.

but i dont like her slutty tattoos and I always make remarks about her getting fooked by n1993rs hahahaha. or just getting fooked by large numbers of random white guys too. the shadier the better. its not a great thing to get fooked by tons of white guys either. especially when you pick the most degenerate ones. why not pick a nice winner making 80k as an engineer? honestly LOTS of tall handsome white boys become engineers. make 80 grand a year and make the best husbands and fathers. yet you gotta pick the white deadbeat who drinks and drugs too much and cant hold down a job, but hes tall and sexy and mysterious badboi hahahahaha.

pick the badboi who has a chance of supporting you and your children! there are some good badboys out there who can be good providers! why cant women differentiate the good badboys from the bad badboys?  because the good badboys dont seem BAD enough? because its TRULY BAD to be a bad provider?

well I’m the worst provider there ever was! date me! let me fook you! please! hahahaha.

hopefully today I will learn more about the shitty call center job and have another chance to be like listen, recruiters, I had a really bad experience. can’t you PLEASE just find me a simpler data entry job? something with lots of excel, not a lot of customer contact, and not a god damn call center? i dont CARE that I have over a year of recent call center experience on my resume! i want to move AWAY from that!!!!!!!!

ok had the meeting. there were 2 higher up ish recruiters there, one Hawt Young entry level recruiter, and one….i dont know, advocate or liasion who was technically working or the agency, but worked right at the client site. turns out the client could not handle their own staffing needs to recruit a Sufficiently Professional Staff. everyone they hired, enticing them with an attractive wage, was not “professional” enough to satisfy the company or its callers, could not meet the service level agreements.  problems with attendance. problems with phones. problems with following the rules. one new employee smoking cig in the building, causing fire alarm for whole building and like 20 minute shutdown of the Call Center. He was Terminated.

uhhh 51 out of 60 of the people placed by the recruiter were still there.

the company merged with another company recently who began taking actions about quality.

this tells me that the company is not training the employees enough and holding them to unrealistic standards.

so fire the people who cant keep up, and hire an outside recruiter to try to find Better People….with even better pay. so we sign an NDA to not discuss our wage with anybody. because we will be making moar than some people there.

is this all code for blacks who talk really black on the phone?

or flustered people that sound like they dont know what theyre doing because how do you train people, and level 2 doesnt want to escalate cases?

but there would be some training in the huge expensive epic emr system. valuable training that normally costs thousands of dollars for this demonic, evil program hahahaha.

there was only one other candidate in there with me. a dorky young man but who seemed fairly normie and confident and not a fat autist neet. he had worked with pharmacies and emrs before.

well i do know if you miss a day in your first 90 days, you are terminated hahahaha.

the guy who got fired for smoking called the temp agency and said can you find me another job. they said nope sorry.

so i am worried that if i ragequit, then i am burning muh bridges with the temp agency to get me a nice data entry job with no phones.

holy shit, the glassdoor and indeed reviews are worse than i ever expected. it sounds even worse than my previous employer hahahah. terrible management, thrown to the wolves, a guy working 100 hour weeks and getting fired was the best day of his life, very cliquish, good performers never get promoted, impossible to become a good performer, give better service to “big dog” clients, lip service, warm bodies to answer the phone, impossible deadlines, death march, work through lunch, etc. no help, no one to back you up, just to tear you down, the talented lower level employees make this company run, but show them no thanks, and just work them to insanity, so many people are leaving, etc.

it sounds worse than i ever expected! and lots of it due to a takeover by another company in 2014. an indian company that seems to want to offshore everything and only pays lip service to providing good service to its customers. and if they treated their customers the way they treated their employees…..they wouldnt have a company any more. this is a sinking ship. walk dont run. this is what the reviews said from many disgruntled employees hahahah.

now i just heard that my former employer is shutting the department down completely. EVERYONE is out of a job forever there. holy SHIT. I figured this was gonna happen within 2 years, but now this soon!

meaning, That Woman is permanently out of a job.

heh. well she could probably get in at this other shitty place.

april 27

ok i already lost sleep worrying about this stupid call center job. i think i am gonna say NO and not go on monday. This would be better than walking off the training with no notice i think. it just sounds like the company has the worst management ever. cant they think about the long term? oh but you have to make it thorugh the short term to get to the long term. well they have been around for the long term already……and it seems like shit changed when this shekel clutching indian bought the company 2 years ago. there was a pronounced shift in culture and morale.

i am the best customer service person ever. I take the side of the customers and want to help them and make them a raving fan of me and how i am the best person in the company. however the company does not like this because I take too much time to help people. i take too much money to help people.

i mean in situations where people have valid questions, like my shit is broken and i need to fix it, not i be blakk gibs me dat. but i’m having a real problem, help me out please.

well i’d like to, but i have to get you off the phone in 7 minutes to reach the service level agreement your company has with my company.

well that sucks.

take it up with your manager…..not mine. because mine is not gonna talk to you. also he’s probably gonna throw me under the bus because he doesnt know the reality of taking calls and fixing problems.

the Target Metrics are Unreasonable. the Service Levels are Unreasonable. The Sales Department makes extravagant promises that THEY are never held accountable for because they dont provide the service.

so service hates sales because sales crushes them with unrealistic expectations. and sales hates service because they are lazy bums who can’t deliver on our promises hahahaha. when if sales walked for ONE DAY in the shoes of service, they’d SEE.

well we didnt have a sales dept at our old place. we were in house tech support. company. no contracts, no SLA’s. at this new place, its SLA’s, MSA’s, clients, being billed for service, billed by the minute maybe. billable billable billable. was emphasized in the shitty reviews.

I would almost rather work in a RESTAURANT. it seems more real and more human. real people doing things that you know can be done.  here, you dont even know what is possible or not.

work more efficiently. work faster.

how would you suggest I do that sir?

I don’t know. that’s your job. figure it out or youre fired.

do what youre doing now, just do it better and faster. streamline your processes.

this is always code for cut corners so you can be “more productive.”

your management WANTS you to cut corners when serving the customers.

this is fine when your customers are dumb sacks of shit, but I never view customers that way. I treat them the way I would want to be treated. In Good Faith.

this is why i hate managers. they really dont know shit. well, in that field they dont know shit. well, the higher level managers that have never answered a phone. fooking soft phaggots.

you need to be so exhausted at the end of the day you dont have time for health or family, but you are also so worried about the next horrible day, that you cant sleep.

trumpenfuhrer is giving a foreign policy speech and sounding more presidential. I have no doubt he is capable of sounding very “presidential” in tone. why do people even care about that. who cares about that other than anti trump people.

he will probably be a disappointment but so would anyone else. i am on the trump train all the way. no not all trump supporters are white nationalists hahaha. and not all white nationalists are trump supporters hahahaha. but i would say a Sizable Plurality of them are, hahahahahhahaha. yeah I mean you can vote for bob whitaker or whoever is doing american third position party. and whitaker has done some great work, and i think kmac is involved with that party, and kmac is top tier. but like only 100 people in the US even know who bob whitaker IS. trump is on tv 24 hours a day and literally even the dumbest normie women and blacks know who he is. he does well with some women and blacks! he loves the uneducated! he makes dogwhistle tweets mentioning white nationalists hahahaha.

i just dont want him to sell US out to chindia hahaha. but anyone else would have done that anyway, and with no strong talk about BUILD A WALL.

anyway I am a trump guy and I may come to not be so proud of that if he wins. but I want him to win! i dont want anyone else to win! im ashamed to say i dont have a trump hat yet!

but yeah I think more people who hated trump will come over to him as he becomes more and more the Strong Horse.

wow the temp agency gave me access to a Skillsoft Skillport Learning Management System (LMS) which has tons of videos and modules. This is actually very good. There is a lot of courses and modules on there that you can’t get for free on the internet. Plus I think Skillsoft has been developing content for years. probably not a good company to work for though hahahah. just because they have been around for 15 years doesnt mean theyre GOOD.

we had something like this in my old job but nothing that was really helpful for my department. so it was more useful to spend my free time studying actual cases rather than use the LMS.  the LMS would be a lot more useful to the normie employees doing the regular business of the company. not to us who were fixing the companys hardware and software and Tech Infrastructure.  for that there was very shitty documentation.

read the manual stupid!

but there is no manual!

or the manual is absolutely fookin retarded! YOU read the manual and tell me what it says! yeah! its bullshit! you need a manual for the manual, AND I strongly suspect that lots of important stuff has been LEFT OUT!

I dont care if I am missing out on valuable training in epic emr software. i hear the shit sucks anyway. and is probably collaborating with FEDGOV in unwholesome ways much like I suspect my previous employer was.

although the idea of electronic medical records makes perfect sense to me. although it also makes sense to me that EMR is just as much a CLUSTERFOOK than paper medical records. hence the transitioning which takes years, the bloated and mysterious software, the bugs, the service people dont know if its a bug or a feature and the programmers are too busy to look at it, you have the service people look at it.

SET UP TO FAIL hahahaha. thats exactly what they do and thats why theres high turnover and you can ALWAYS get a job at these places.

i was watching married at first sight the first year, which comes back to the people who chose to stay together. and now they are having problems. and the 28 year woman who threw her ring down the drain because she didnt feel her husband cared about her, she said, IT TAKES TWO TO MAKE IT, AND TWO TO BREAK IT.

WRONG, BITCH! I fumed at the TV. it takes TWO to MAKE it, but it only takes ONE to break it. YOU broke it. YOU are not givng him a chance. not listening to HIM. YOU are being the bad guy to him. YOU are not willing to work on this. HE is. and of course now you’re blaming HIM and saying it takes TWO to break it. fook you bitch. you dont deserve him hahahaha.

so women, the masters of relationships, really have no idea how relationships REALLY work. they are like the managers of the call centers who have no idea of how to actually do calls and solve problems. they just fire you when you cant live up to their unrealistic standards. oh god. such a great analogy good job me.

they dont know how shit works, they just want you to WORK HARDER and WORK BETTER when THEY are the source of the problem, then they dump YOU because you can’t walk on water, and you’re the bad guy because you weren’t willing to walk on water.

how do you write such good women, well i think of a man, then take away all reason and accountability, hahahahahahaha.

if that 28 year old woman had been married with 3 or more children, she wouldnt be such an idiot asshole.

Heh I am turning down GREAT money just because of some shit some disgruntled employees said on the internet. glassdoor.com. yeah well when there is such a pattern of reviews. also the company could put plants in to write more positive reviews. BUT THEY DIDNT! there were barely any positive reviews, and the ones that were sounded like they were written by black children. THESE ARE THE BEST PLANTS YOU CAN BUY???? While the bad reviews sounded like they were written by intelligent, hard working people, who were rightfully bitter from being shit on. You can get a sense of how intelligent a person is by HOW THEY WRITE. The negative reviews were more numerous, more detailed, and more intelligent than the few positive reviews. There is a real pattern there.

the short term mindset!!!!!! they dont vet the people they are hiring! that’s why they are outsourcing the hiring to someone ELSE!!!!! they dont vet the plants who are supposed to be improving their image on glassdoor! they just hire a TOTAL MORON to write OBVIOUSLY FAKE reviews!

It reminds me of my old company sort of: we had an internal message board where the end users of the new program could ask questions, ask for help. great idea, potentially great resource. I read that shit every DAY to try to learn more about the program, the users, the problems, and the fixes, and watch what the higher ups would say to the end users basically.

Except for the first month or so of the message board, which was not well promoted and only Super Employees like me even KNEW about it, the questions were answered by Obviously Morons who had just been hired with no training. Who would post back “Good quezchun bla bla. let me look into that 4 u and I reply later. sinsurrly, shaneek’wa jankins”

then they would reply many hours later with absolutely useless information that didnt really answer shit. Its like a teacher needing help and then asking a first day student for help. its ass bakcwards.

then the person needing help, who was writing more intelligently than the person hired to “help” them, would say, you know, I don’t think you’re getting this, what I’m saying is bla bla bla

then the idiot level 1 would post “Thank you, let me look into that” and then come back with “You must call the service desk and create a service ticket number.”

so then you call us and either get someone as dumb as shaneequa, or someone as smart as me. or someone who is smart but they are flustered and overwhelmed and they seem dumb. like me in my first 6 months hahahaha. like 80% of the people there because the majority of people leave within a year.

eventually the level 2 people started responding in the forums. they seemed smarter but were also ruder and said yep well you gotta call the service desk and create a ticket before we can do anything.

When the Best Practice Best In Breed Center Of Excellence Service would be, I’m sorry the program has been so buggy, whens a good time to call you so you and I can talk directly and I can remote in and take a look at this? I will private message you with my direct phone number.

but no, everything is a SINGLE POINT OF CONTACT (beware that) which means theres ONE phone number, probably with a very complicated IVR (menu of items, impossible to speak to a human), the first person you speak to will be an undertrained “moron”, who will have a VERY hard time transferring you to someone who DOES know anything about anything, because there’s too few of those people.  and higher ups can HIDE behind a WALL of poorly trained idiots! and you cant return calls from higher ups! oops missed you for the day, now I can’t fix your case! I’ll try calling you again within 72 hours!

Or getting a call and realizing YOU are technically the subject matter expert on this topic because no one else is in the office at that time. well, expert is a little strong a word for what i actually know about this thing, hahahahaha.

the so called experts know nothing! it’s very difficult to speak to somebody who KNOWS anything!

but its just as much….no its even MORE frustrating for the level 1 person answering the phones, than you FOR to call them and talk to an idiot. becuase how would you like to BE that idiot, doing calls like that ALL DAY????

thats not a JOB! that’s a PUNISHMENT!!!!

they should make criminals, murderers and child molesters, do this job from PRISON!!!!!!!!!!! instead they get sweet chill jobs like making license plates hahahaha.  kinda makes you want to go to prison hahahaha. no i kid. but im not kidding when saying they should make the worst prisoners do this type of job. not decent people like you and me and even that woman.

lyin ted is gonna pick carly fiorina as his vp. this might actually gain him some votes. but prob not enough to stump the trump. i hope not!

weighed it at lowest weight yet….148.0 pounds. I suspect I just got lucky on a low water day and it will be a WHILE before it gets any lower, and will in fact bounce back up, possib back above 150. my goal right now is 140. that is how short i am, i have to be 140 pounds to not be a fat slob hahahha.

no 160 pounds is the beginning of overweight and I was like 168? at the beginning of january. 20 pounds in 4 full months? thats not TERRIBLE.

thing is, losing weight doesnt really help short guys all that much. it wouldnt make HER any more attracted to me. women who like short guys will probably settle for chubby guys too hahaha. wow that is really self deprecating hahaha. its statements like that that are the reason i have no self confidence hahaha.

really its just a way for me to exercise some actual control over my life hahahaha. that i can reach SOME kind of goal.

tarzan was not some damn brown polynesian fooking white jane, he was a WHITE man fooking white jane, fooking geico. god damn i WISH i could boycott geico hahahaha. or that feel where the supermarket you go to get EVERYTHING has horrible race mixing commercials and you CANT boycott them hahahahaha.

you cant boycott antiwhite companies because ALL companies are openly antiwhite hahahaha.

boy i hope i dont get PARANOID about this hahahah.

shit i learned from a previous post that i looked at prono on nov 9. so now its only been 170 days since i looked at porno. damn. not long enough.

i certainly have not regretted it. although sometimes even recently i get a small craving. like i FORGOT what it LOOKS LIKE. well GOOD. i SHOULD forget what it looks like!!!!!!!!!!! Its jooish degenerate mind and soul POISON!!!!! so of course women like it now and say its no big deal and like to watch porno while they dildo themselves hahahaha.

so maybe as PEOPLE become more Pornified, Porn is NO LONGER an exaggeration of the sex act!!!! and it becomes a more accurate portrayal of What Secs Really Is!!!!!! good lord thats horrifying and sad. cuz you can’t say “porn sucks because its an unrealistic portrayal of secs.” well no its not, so you’re wrong, porn is not necessarily bad unless it Performs in the Vocabulary of Internalized Systems of Kyriarchal Oppression.

really what it comes down to is a deep, almost religious respect and reverence for human life AND THE PROCESS WHICH CREATES HUMAN LIFE.

was i ridiculous and overbearing and overwhleming to her? OF COURSE I was. But I dont think thats a good REASON or justification for her to walk out on me and block me entirely. you just dont do that to people. I am angry that she would come up with a list of reasons why it was OK for her to do this. because he did this. because he was being that weird. he was weird and bad enough to justify this.

well NO I WASNT.

yes, i was bad and weird, BUT NOT ENOUGH TO JUSTIFY THAT.

it has taken me a long time to convince myself of that. just like she is convincing herself that yes, i WAS bad and weird enough to justify No Communication.

maybe if i told her i was a virgin who had never been dumped before hahahahah she would have tried to be more gentle with me.

i mean why WOULDNT you be gentle with someone you care about, who cares about you, who has opened their heart for you and made themselves vulnerable for you? because. you just dont want them to luv you. yeah well, try to be gentle with peoples HEARTS as a general RULE. a general rule of LIFE.  I know I would try to be gentle with peoples HEARTS, if anyone ever showed me their heart hahaha.

yeah well they have showed me there hearts sometimes and i HAVE been sensitive to that. like when she was telling me her worries about her boifran in like 2013. i genuinely cared and it was very uncomplicated because I didnt have feelings for her yet and we were still Just Friends and I was perfectly fine with that, and wanted her to work things our wiht her BF, and she gave it an honest effort, maybe, and he said nope I’m done. which is fine, that happens, but he also told her im done rather than just avoid the fook out of her. they had several arguments!

ok drug test for post office tomorrow. closest place is 8 miles away hahahaha. thankfully was able to sched it for morning. and in time before their deadline. so get up tomorrow, leave at least half the bladder full in the morning hahahaha. cuz i drink so much coffee and water throughout the day that theres no way I could not be diluted. i dont know how I did this when I used to do this early in the morning before Work hahahahaha. like try making a BM, but also keeping your Urine In. not easy hahahaha.

she just wasnt very PERCEPTIVE. or if she was, she just didnt SHOW it. i think she was more perceptive than she PRETENDED NOT to be hahahahaha. that dirty LIAR. was she lying or not lying?

no she was just overwhelmed and cowardly and running away like a scared animal. like the slightest move or sound makes a deer go jumping away.

yet she can handle a tough job and also fook men without emotion or feeling. hehehe well i dont know that second part. and now she is out of a job just the same as me. she has a good excuse though, and made a lot more money, and probably has good leads though her new friends there. get meeeeeee a job toooooo! ok done.

heh. without her i never would have gotten that stupid job. and now that even though she has left me, i can’t escape The Taint hahaha. now all these call center jobs want me because I have experience…..but I dont want to go back to any call center.

its like getting aids from your lover then you lover dumps you but the aids stays with you and kills you hahaha.

i wish we had just gotten together and never left our old job and lived happily ever after. instead I managed to waste the last 2 and a half years of my life hahaha. one step forward, two or three steps back.

lost a very important person in a very sad way, lost muh livelihood, and now the only jobs that want me are shitty jobs just like that one hahaha. maybe i should go back to skool hhaahahha. bbbbbut i already have 200 credits of college isnt that enough? NO.

OK. I have my txt resume, which is my master resume, which then gets copied essentially to both linkedin and indeed. and any external site that wants you to build a resume. copy and paste.  so really any change I have to make, needs to be made in 2 OTHER places: linkedin and indeed.

Or I could just update those once a month or once a week. re copy and paste everything from the Master Resume.

When I have an actual interview, I whittle the Master Resume down to a One Page Resume. but make sure they have a copy of the Master resume too.

Anyway today I went through and replaced semicolons with periods; because it looks autistic to have too many semicolons; and periods look better; dont they;

yes. of course they do. good idea there. nice value-add.

2016-04-27_16h52_24

this fookin sloth hahahahaha it took him ALL DAY to write that on their bullshit team building instant messenger chat software while his entire team was running themselves ragged trying to walk on water and design, build, market, sell a flying umbrella, on the whim of their asshole lion manager, within 20 hours. the sloth moves SO SLOW, all he can do is type that one sentence in 20 hours. This is great and I have mentioned it before but here’s the picture.

it is kinda SAD to see the majestic animals acting like Professional Humans With Careers. Animals shouldn’t be doing this. HUMANS shouldn’t be doing this. hopefully other people are disturbed by that too.

also look how the manager lion does jack shit while everyone else is running around like fookin spazzes. yepppp. read between the lines mother fooker. the writing is on the wall!!!

I want to see that companys Call Center Of Excellence. That is filled with fookin morlocks or some shit. or fookin…that ugly ass fish blob that looks like a sad piece of slime.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Center_of_excellence

well, i guess a COE can be something other than a call center. but call centers can certainly use the term. it usually means they have met the ridiculous metrics by being especially clever at cutting corners but they have enough good people left to produce some raving fans who appreciate their work….but I guarantee these Great People are being Ground down and pushed out the door and are are being unappreciated by their managers and company. but they are appreciated by their callers/customers and trust me that is important. it was important to me! my callers LOVED the GREAT service I gave them, even though it wasnt FAST enough for the company, which hurt my departments METRICS and kept us from being a COE.

https://agileelements.wordpress.com/2008/10/29/what-is-a-center-of-excellence/

i still dont know what the shit means. why wouldnt EVERY place want to be a center of excellence.

its like a way of saying, we have best practices and trained people.

well why WOULDNT you have those things?

because they cost money.

its amazing how many places where its your job to be the FIRST to DEVELOP best practices because literally NO ONE knows what they are doing.

but how can you determine BEST practices when you dont know GOOD from BAD?

well I guess you can easily tell if something is good or bad. and then just keep struggling in the direction of the good right.

and a bunch of indian agile scrum lean black belt six sigma project managers in the comments say what a great bullshit article, ive been tasked with creating a center of excellence to utilize resources, but i dont know how, and your article has helped me how to create a center of bullshit.

heh i wished they taught ANY of this in school. in 200 credits of college hahaha. maybe they had a paragraph in management 101 which i took. i actually never took business 101 because i figured it would be too fluffy. i took “actual” classes like accounting and economics. marketing and management were as fluffy as I got.

explain to me in plain english what a center of excellence is, fooking phaggots.

and then when you look it up on the internet…..you just get MORE confused.

but yeah I thought business was supposed to be efficient and competent.

but they are incompetent and only give the ILLUSION of efficiency.

by training people and have actual best practices they could provide better service, have happier customers, and be proactive not reactive, and make more money in the long run.  and it shocked me how companies are very resistant to this common sense, decent, good faith, white way of doing business. real fookin dudley dooright bullshit i guess. well thats me then. dudley dooright the good natured pollyanna.

google what is a center of excellence
A center of excellence (CoE) is a team, a shared facility or an entity that provides leadership, best practices, research, support and/or training for a focus area.
Center of excellence – Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Center_of_excellence

really its just mroe business bullshit. i should try not to get so MAD about BULLSHIT. but for some reason this business bullshit makes me MAD. because it results in customers getting the RUNAROUND and forcing honest people to GIVE other honest peopel the runaround. thats why i hate the bullshit.

 

HAVING SOMEONE CHECK YOUR WORK IS HAND HOLDING

apr 6

how do you assure someone that something is correct/right when you’re not sure that it is?

like something looks like it could be right, but you’re just not sure?

like doing a huge math problem and you’re not sure if you’re correct, or close, or not even close, because you have no idea what’s even reasonable?

or your excel vlookup function skipped a data point for some reason, and you don’t know why, but that skipped piece of data make a YUGE difference for your bullshit “recommendations” and “advice.” but just looking at the results, you can’t tell if anything is WRONG or not. you just assume your Tool, the vlookup, is working as intended. and it is. it just has tricky little pitfalls where its hard to tell if its pitfalling.

well you said you were an expert at excel and knew all about vlookup! this falls on your shoulders!

http://www.bayt.com/en/specialties/q/3488/what-are-the-limitations-and-dangers-of-using-vlookup-in-excel/

my concern is that it will only return the FIRST match. it might be important to find those other matches. I cant even think of an example.

and you have people with a lot more experience making a lot more money than me asking these questions on forums.

again probably the best thing is to take someone who CAN help you from your workplace out for dinner and drinks, pay for the dinner and drinks, and Pick Their Brain. of course they probably want to get home to their family after an exhausting 16 hour day. not getting paid overtime becuase they exempt hahaha. salary. making 30 grand a year for 80 hours a week.  which breaks down to like 10 dollars an hour hahaha.  good job.

http://exceluser.com/formulas/excels-vlookup-vs-index-match-functions.htm#The Limitations of VLOOKUP and HLOOKUP

also vlookup can’t return values to the left of the…column its looking up??

only to the right. not sure why. its a limitation of the software. its working as intended. take it up with microsoft.

or just use an INDEX/MATCH hehehehe. yep just use it.

THAT WOMAN wouldnt be able to figure any of this out! she cant even spell YOU’RE correctly!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://chandoo.org/wp/2010/11/01/vlookup-excel-formula/

http://www.exceluser.com/formulas/excels-vlookup-vs-index-match-functions.htm

ok its official. index match is better than vlookup. tell your interviewer that.

http://www.mbaexcel.com/excel/why-index-match-is-better-than-vlookup/

phaggots who have good jobs are still using vlookups like amateur 19 year olds in a call center hahaha

like babes in the woods who never had a meeting with someone who actually knows what they are doing, so as to make sure everyone is using Best Practices.

is that HAND HOLDING. ???

lets see. i was officially rejected for a Press Operator job, not enough experience hahaha.

“”” After careful consideration of all candidates, unfortunately on this occasion we will not be taking your application further. The general standard of applications has been extremely high and we have shortlisted candidates whose skill sets are more closely matched to the role requirements. “””

example of the language used by the Recruiting Team

i am not sure the IT Recruiter got my email about me not being a Good Fit for the Call Center. cuz i got a new mass email sent to about 7 people, get to see their names and emails and all, real professional ya damn moron hahaha. way to not share my email with potential scammers hahaha. guess she didnt get a meeting teaching her that this was not best practice. she has NO IDEA.

that feel when you HAVE NO IDEA that you are doing something wrong. hahahaha.  total unknown unknowns.

but asking for clarification would be considered hand holding.

well you cant have them check the whole damn thing. you have to ask them small direct questions. meaning that you have to have some sort of intuition that showing the emails is not best practice. and then ask about it. but if you didnt have that intuition……..????

well heres the thing. uhh forgot it. mind is rekt hahaha. cant make good decisions. just flip a coin. oh yeah. its EASY to get a call center job. I just had ANOTHER recruiter email me TODAY about ANOTHER call center job. its RIDICULOUS. I could basically get a call center job EASILY AND make decent money doing it. but i am so fooking against it.

ok the point is, i don’t NEED a damn RECRUITER, I can just go to the companys website LATER and apply directly with the company if I CHANGE my mind.  i can always come back to this damn company and get a job directly through THEM. and THESE are the jobs RECRUITERS are RECRUITING people for? you dont NEED a RECRUITER to get you these jobs. i am wondering why the company is paying this recruiter? dont they have their own recruitment team? talent acquisition hahaha.

but maybe they get so many “unqualified” applicants they need to Outsource their Talent Acquisition?  i dont know. just guessing.

but the qualifications for a job like this are very low. just have some basic computer knowledge. period. you really dont need to be smart. but you DO need to be kinda TOUGH.

i would maybe do something where you take inbound phones PART of the day, like a few hours at most, but more than 4 hours on inbound phones is ROUGH.

how can you answer questions and make recommendations and explain shit when YOU dont know whats going on???!?!?!?!

i just felt ON EDGE ALL THE TIME, you never forget that feeling. didnt have that at my previous job hahaha. of course that was a much less serious job.

heh. i wish i never met her. i wish i had never taken that stupid call center job with her. never even saw that stupid world. yeah i made some money, but…….over the long term, i didnt make that much more money than I would have at my prev job, considered all the time I have been Not Working hahahaha. I am Disabled, I am Unable To Work, hahahahaha.

some guys lose their frame and their man-hand and their relationship suffers. their GF becomes a bigger bitch, just bitchy and not nice. then the guys gradually start being more masculine, standing up the bitch more, putting the bitch in her place hahaha, and gradually her behavior gets better again. she starts being nice and pleasant again. maybe stops porking up so much. is happier and nicer. you hear stories like that sometimes.

what i hear is that the GF/wife did not DUMP THE GUY IMMEDIATELY. she essentially GAVE HIM A CHANCE. gave him time. she didnt LEAVE him immediately. she was bitchy and fat and mean, but she stuck around. that’s worth something.

she didnt leave you and never talk to you again. totally abandon and block you. she was being a fat bitch, but she didn’t abandon you. maybe she didnt even CHEAT on you! so i have to give the fat bitches a little CREDIT for not abandoning, and not cheating hahahaha. they gave you a chance to step your game up. I did not get that chance at all.

because in these cases, your gf/wife is still talking to you, still hanging out with you, still maybe even begrudgingly having S with you. you have MORE THAN ENOUGH OPPORTUNITY to TALK to her. you still SPEND TIME together one on one. i did not have that LUXURY whatsoEVER.

wanna go to fatclub soon, i have made a mental note that a very qt gurl is there at 130 pm on wednesday sometimes. unfort she reminds me of That Person because they both have long legs and arms……but maybe that is just my type. i really dont like stumpy, and i really do like long legs, which usually corrolate with long arms.

how do you minimze risks if you dont know what the risks are?

driving a car or having S, the risks are obvious. screaming obvious.

but the risks of using vlookup on this particular set of data……….not nearly as obvious. i dont know why i am so fixated on this example.

or the risks of doing a complicated procedure where you’re not sure if what you’re getting is RIGHT or WRONG.

when you cant differentiate between right and wrong, how do you know what the RISKS are?

this is why i like having someone who can check my work, a SECOND SET OF EYES on the work. how is that HAND HOLDING?

FOOKKKK!!!

but if black women are smart enough to do this job, then i should be, right?

i mean they get shit on by the asshole callers, cuz they hear from their voice, oh its a black woman, therefore they are an idiot and are gonna really fook this up. which i agree is horrible. i am a proud white supremacist who wants an all-white country and for women Not To Work, but I don’t think you should make a hard job even harder for a black woman. its a hard job for all of us.

http://songmeanings.com/songs/view/3530822107858652921/

SO…..supposedly peter steele accepted being a Catholic after his mother died and he was having a shitty life, drinking too much, too much coke, going to jail. then he got out and life was getting better, got off drugs, found Religion, and did the last TON album Dead Again which I was never familiar with, but supposedly here is where he has Pro-Catholic lyrics. then a few years later he died. That really sucks, I always come back to TON and relate with Pete’s Pain. It is very similar to my own. except he was very musically talented and physically alpha/macho/masculine, so he could always pull bitches. i guess he wasnt particularly happy with all those goth sluts though. he probably would have preferred a normal nice gurl and not some goth skank.

anyway i will now study the lyrics to his catholic anti-abortion song, which some of TON’s edgy atheist fans furrowed their brow that their god peter was becoming a theist. i say GOOD FOR HIM!!!!

well the song seems to condemn abortion and it almost seems to condemn ISRAHELL!!! whoa did not expect that. Actually the lyrics seem confusing and just not super good.

i guarantee he was bipolar!!!! also i think he was in a psych ward around this time as well.

either way its good that he got off drugs and alcohol, and its good that he accepted JC hahaha, and seemed more healthy and at peace. and THEN he died. would have been REAL interesting to see what he would ahve done after. maybe quit the degenerate life, find a decent woman and not a damn groupie or stripper, have some damn children. i bet that would have had an effect on his songwriting. although other musicians don’t really get better when they have children hahaha.  for example i dont really bother listening to varg vikernes music anymore. but his political views and his beautiful family are all very great things!!!!

yeah i unfortunately never saw TON live. i do regret that since I knew of them for many years and was a fan for like 12 years before pete died! i became a fan just as october rust came out in 1997ish. brand new album and I was a young teen and I thought it was super awesome. great nostalgia and memories there. i assume the album will still sound great. putting it on music player right now.

1996. really. maybe i got it in 1997. or 1996.

apr 7

aplied for job as “Dorn Operator.” I have no earthly idea what a DORN is, but posting implies it is similar to a CNC machine hahaha.  received rejection letter within 1 hour, a new record! probably because I was honest about not having 1 year of CNC experience. DAMN there goes muh 12 DAHJ!

This is a learning position and requires a willingness to learn through self-study in addition to extensive training and work in conjunction with Underwriters.

for an underwriting assistant job hahaha. meaning study outside of work. hmm i thought all jobs were like that. i might kinda like that this one was honest enough to say it.

i work 25% slower than the average employee, therefore i have to stay 25% longer unpaid to get the work done. but what if its a salary job and everybody works 50 hours a week? then I have to work 60 hours a week to do the same amount. cuz i hate being rushed. they rush you to do eerything faster and faster, but then quality sufferes, and then they btich about that.

but OBVIOUSLY Speed is more important than quality. or safety.

so find ways to cut corners and cover your ass regarding quality hahaha. so stupid.

i really want to listen to the type o negative album “dead again” but every time I’ve listened to it, it’s kidna disappointing. I have been in this exact mood before, i always forget. same motivation: peter getting his life together, he dindu nuffin, it’s probably better than the previous album “life is killing me” which is universally regarded as the worst TON album. Note: I stopped paying attention to them when “world coming down” came out. i was all on board with october rust but had jumped the ship by world coming down, not sure why. because i was interested in more “heavy” stuff. but i guess WCD was pretty heavy i hear.

i then worried that I might convince myself to take the call center job, and then it turns out SHE works there hahahaha. this is the shit iworry about. I would probably approach her and say you hurt me a lot, I wish you hadnt done that, I wish you would apologize to me, do you have any remorse for what you did, and she would prob say you’re the weirdo, stay away from me, im not talking to you. no remorse.

the point is: i will ALWAYS be in the losing position here, always being punched down on. because i had feelings, she didnt, i was heartbroken, she wasnt, so me seeing her at work every day would be EXTREMELy PAINFUL (for me hahaha) but NOT for her. if i worked with her, she wouldnt care, but I would go crazy again. I literally NEVER want to see her ever again, especially not at work. i would let her apologize to me and change her mind. but to enter a workplace where i saw her every day, nope. I would probably quit again.

she wouldn’t care, it wouldn’t bother her, but it would bother the SHIT out of me. because I luv her and she has nothing for me. she is DONE with me.

don’t you CARE when you are hurting someones feelings hahaha?

i mean when you are friends for 2.5 (2.7) years, not when you are men doing the bantz and calling each other phaggot moron virgins at work.

it bothers me that she could work with me and ignore me entirely and go on with her life, whereas if i worked with her i would go fooking crazy.

i mean if my female friend fell in luv with me i would FEEL BAD and TRY NOT TO HURT THEIR FEELINGS. and if i knew we had to WORK TOGETHER, I knew the best way to do that would be to have long converstaions and try to smooth the shitty situation over.

but i have incomplete information. maybe she would go absolutely crazy and quit over the course of 2 weeks, a month. I just went crazy IMMEDIATELY.  quicker than her. which makes sense.

i would be bothered at least a little bit if I had to work with someone whose heart i BROKE. I would feel bad about breaking someones heart. I never broke a gurls heart before, I never had a gurl like me one sided. I never dumped a gurl hahahaha.

when a loved one dumps you, you feel GUTTED. totally GUTTED.

especially when they dump you in a harsh mean cold way and you work together hahaha.

takes a while for that GUTTED feeling to wear off.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Cowards-Guide-Conflict-Empowering-ebook/dp/B0022VV0YA/ref=pd_sim_351_2?ie=UTF8&dpID=51XZeX9K-TL&dpSrc=sims&preST=_OU01_AC_UL320_SR248%2C320_&refRID=0TC91Q6KBPA5WER0C3YG

the cowards guide to conflict, i should have given her a copy of this book hahahaha

was thinking of getting on for myself, how to have difficult conversations. nope i cant help you and nope i cant explain it and nope i can’t transfer you to a level 2. you can call back and get another level 1, hopefully someone better than me!

how do you know if something is right if you don’t know what right looks like?

you dont! you CANT!!!!

anyway i was the one wiht the PROBLEM. she didnt have a PROBLEM other than me, I was her problem, and when I was gone she was happy. but she also was very willing to ignore me.

again I don’t know if she would have Cracked if I had been tough enough to play Chicken for a while. I think she still cared about me enough that she WOULD have cracked.

but i wish she hadnt been so offended and disgusted by me getting feelings. come on. im not THAT bad!!!!!

or how about you send me a 1 paragraph message explaining why when you unfriend me. are you mad at me? hate me? feel I betrayed you? do hate me? dont hate me? there actually are a lot of unknowns behind somebody unfriending you. you want to know the feelings behind them unfriending you. namely, do they hate you or not, could you ever just talk about the damn rel, can this be fixed or not.

cuz it really sucks when one person hates the other one but the other one doesnt hate them, they are begging please dont hate me, dont do this to me. i shouldnt have to beg hahahaha.  though im not to PROUD to beg. but she shouldnt avoid so much that i HAVE to beg.

dont make me beg. i wouldnt have made you beg. i would had RESPONDED to you. I would have hung out wiht you and LET you TALK to me.

looks like meats back on the menu boys

tonight we will taste manflesh!!!

turns out both of these lines come from lord of the rings.  couldnt remember. decent lines.

of course i refuse to watch the hobbit. but LOTR was okay movies. wouldnt mind watching them with a nice qt gf hahahaha like my female friend. cant you see? this is LUV!!!

treat my HEART with a little more kindness and respect! dont crush and destroy and throw my HEART away! be CAREFUL with it!!!!

and you kinda expect your friend of 2.7 years to be CAREFUL with your HEART.

but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

138 calories over my calorie budget. GOT to go to gym today and burn those off.

pizza and pasta. will do it every time.

have lost 1 pound in the last month. i really hope this is due to gianing muscle, and water weight….and not a result of vastly undercounting muh calories!!!!!

i guess peter steele still drank a little after leaving rehab. he supposedly cut back on the coke and booze but sometimes fell off the wagon. he said he first used coke at age 35, kinda a late bloomer hahaha. he died at age 48. rehab was at around age 45 or so.

also i guess his weight was up and down. sometimes he gained a lot of weight and supposedly liked KFC.

well he never lost his beautiful hair hahaha.

not sure if he was a cigarette smoker. wouldnt be surprised.

i guess i am butthurt by people that go to rehab but then afterwards they drink “IN MODERATION.”

also he was always dating strippers and cheating women. come on. just find a nice catholic virgin hahaha.

i hate to idolize a musician because theyre ALL degenerates. peter steele included. but he did some good and i think had the potential to be a nondegenerate. he admitted he was bipolar. and ocd. and add. hahaha. i think coke is not a good thing for peopel like this, really makes them go crazy. probably even more than booze.

ok think i got 6 applications done today, maybe 7. thats not bad hahaha.

heh. i hate how she DIDNT EVEN TRY not to break my heart. she could have made a good faith effort, done SOMETHING, ANYTHING.

she honestly didnt seem like the type of person who WOULDNT MAKE ANY EFFORT AT ALL, FOR ME. I thought for SURE she cared about me enough to make a LITTLE effort. to spare my feelings that is.

and maybe she did! she was just too cowardly.