COMMON COURTESY IS A REASONABLE EXPECTATION

sept 14

i dont WANT an EXPLANATION of WHY, I already know WHY, that’s nothing. I jsut wanted to be treated nicer, like a human being, like i mattered, like our Rel mattered, like it was an important rel between two human beings. sheeeeeit i already know WHY. the WHY is not important. I just wanted more kindness and gentleness and less ice coldness hahahaha. treat me and our Past Rel with DIGNITY.

i dont are about why. i already KNOW why. case closed. i just wanted to know what she was thinking regarding hurting me. did you really WANT to HURT me? and WHY was THAT?

other thing: besides being humiliated on a personal level, i felt humiliated on a woring level: i failed at this job, while she succeeded at the same job. She could handle it, I couldn’t. She’s moving up, I’m moving down. I cant handle REAL LIFE as good as her. She is a winner, i am a loser, and losers like me dont deserve to associate with winners like her. and maybe thats why she rejected me so brutally on a personal level. because i was just inferior scum in every conceivable way. i was like the slimiest, most scheming little sleazy greasy joo to her.

and i think abotu how women Botch Relationships and Emotioanlly Overreact (I screwed up TOO but she screwed up WAY more), and I think, how the hell can women do JOBS and make 13 dollars an hour??? you need to make GOOD decisions! you need to have a record of excellence! you need to communicate clearly and decisively! women cant do this shit! they are like a 50 foot baby with a flamethrower! how can they be mature enough to handle a 13 an hour job, LET ALONE a 20 dollar an hour job??!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?

she never made flashcards! she never looked at old cases! she never studied when she went home! she never did homework! yet i failed and she succeeded! I wanted to know how shit worked, she just said idk lol! and got a man to help her! and she is the winner and i am the loser at life! FOOK THAT SHIT!!!! FOOK THIS GAY EARTH.mov

maybe i should embrace hating women like i embracing being a racist.

so i thought, well i dont even HATE other races, i just dont think races can coexist all that well. but women of my own race annoy the shit out of me just as much or even more than people of other races!

and this is not good, i thought. it jsut doesnt feel like something natural or sustainable the way being a racist feels pretty natural. i dont really WANT To hate women in other words.

also, for a man like me who wants so much to be a father and have children…..i dont think its a good idea for a Good Father to HATE WOMEN!!!!!!!

Good Fathers don’t hate women, they get along with women and teach their children how to get along with women!

so yeah in order to level up to pull good women, i need to learn how to deal with low level trash women on okcupid hahahaha.

i guess muh goals in life were never specific enough. find a nice gf. that became find a nice gf and make her muh waifu. as i got older. then that became have children with the waifu. and also get a 13 dollar an hour job with benefits and weekends off that doesnt drive me crazy. that is all.

maybe GOD is not calling me to be a father though. or even to be married. some people are called to be SINGLE 4 LYFE. Its just very weird though. cuz some of my biggest goals were to be married, have children. now GOD is telling me that i’m WRONG??!?!?! these arent horrible ungodly things! GOD LUVS marriage and family and so do I!!!!!!

but maybe  this is not what GOD has meant for me and my life. which is frustrating, because, like i just said, god LUVS marriage and family!

so i thought that well, maybe i’m supposed to be single and childless and I can still support marriage and family by…..doing marriage and family related work. it just seems frustrating though. that all these people can get married, have families and children, some of them are totally shitty too. and i’m meant to SUPPORT families, but i’m not allowed to have a family myself? it sounds CRUEL and SADISTIC!!!! like TORTURE!!!!! God doesnt just TEST us, he TORTURES us!!!!!!!! why the hell CANT I have a family?

well, besides I am totally not ready for it. but i really should be at this age. I mean realistically i have too many ISSUES to be a husband and father. unfortunately. but its the truth.

also, i want to know if i did something terrible, SO I DONT DO IT AGAIN IN THE FUTURE!!!!!!!

i dont want to fook things up this bad again!!!!!!

but again thats an unknown. most likely i didnt do anything horribly wrong, like lie or cheat where i really AM the bad guy at fault. sometimes that shit DOES happen. sometimes it IS your fault.  sometimes you ARE the bad guy.

it would have almost been better if she said YOUR THE BAD GUY, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT.

heh. maybe.

i hate making mistakes, but i might hate NOT KNOWING if i made a mistake or not even MORE!

i mean if i ever get feelings for a friend again, i WILL handle it differently, namely, tell them assertively and quickly.

oh yeah. when women think “ALL GUYS LOOK AT PORN.”

WRONG! so yeah that is triggering. they havent met me yet! I dont look at porn because it is jooish filth that ruins women and men! poisons the mind and soul!!!! i actively do NOT watch porno and can’t imagine wanting to watch it EVER AGAIN!!!!!! its DISGUSTING!!!!!!!!

applied for 5th job today. army related job. administering asvab tests hahahaha. 15 an hour. found out it was casual/intermittent, meaning no benefits. sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeit. thats the whole reason to get a fedgov job!

well i did not see that until i was 80% done with the grueling 16 minute application hahahaha.

NOTE: the first time you apply for a USAJOBS job, it will take MUCH longer to build your superresume, get all your shit together etc.

all guys do not look at porn, just the manly men you date hahahahaha

omega male sex negative neets think porn is disgusting degeneracy hahahahaha but we are invisible to women so…..

Women SHOULD be CAUTIOUS, they can get PREGNANT!!!!!

BE MORE CAUTIOUS! SHOW MORE CAUTION! DISCRETION!

how can someone with the maturity level of a CHILD make an ABOVE AVERAGE INCOME???? make WAY MORE THAN ME?

also it sucks when they are much more mature with other people, and super immature with you.

then you wonder, what did I do, so I don’t do it again!

but what you did was not super duper offensive, but just basic bitch communication mistakes.

besides, if you are doing something SUPER wrong, like lying or cheating…….you usually KNOW it, and you think, welp, I can GET AWAY with this, they’ll never find out. nothing like that here.

TEN dollar an hour job where posting calls for EIGHTY wpm typing. i have 60.

EIGHTY words a minute for TEN dollars an hour. 

wtf?

113 people applied, so i should apply too hehehehe.

i have a great SUPPORT SYSTEM, so why the hell am i so insecure and unstable and struggling and on the edge?

i have to remember, i dont hate all women. this woman i see at my weekly game, she is very nice and good and i like her and she doesnt annoy me. when i first met her, she kind of annoyed me a little but now i totally appreciate and like her. too bad i am not in luv with her hahahaha. i really didnt have any of that interest in her. not a slut either. darn near asexual which was starting to become weird…..but in the past few years she met a good decent man and they are getting married. pretty much a perfect situation there. he is pretty masculine and not a niceguy wimp pvssy like me, but i get the idea that he has morals and was not a degen womanizer at any point.

separate website for FBI jobs, they are not posted on USAJOBS………i dont think.

ok applied for gs05, 32k level job with air force. it specialist hahahahaha. now this is more like it. there are some fedgov bennies hahahaha. however no specific openings at my local air force base. might never be an opening hhehehe.

ok 6 jobs for today hehehe good enough.

well 7 would be better but i am getting back on the horse. i mean SHEEEEEEEIT, i might have to get to 600 jobs. at 600 i will start sucking dicks for recruiters until i become blacklisted by every recruiter in town. there are a lot of recruiters in town! sometimes it seems there are more recruiters than nonrecruiters hahahaha.

anyway im saying it would take MANY YEARS for me to burn through every recruiter in town.

but yeah it bothers me that a person can be more successful than me yet be a lot more immature than me…..and i am pretty immature.

also, i was the one putting myself out there. she wasnt really putting herself out there at all. she COULD HAVE. in the sense that it would have took some agency and initiative to Respond to the Request, and say Listen, I’m Not Interested, Let’s End this in a good way.

but no she just shut down entirely.

i did not shut down entirely regarding HER.

i did kinda shut down regarding my job and my life.

but its impossible to communicate or deal with a person who SHUTS DOWN.

basically, she shut down, I didnt. I was begging her not to shut down.

yeah, i shouldnt have BEGGED…….but jeez. if someone is begging you, just humor them. i dunno. ive never had anyone BEG me before. I imagine i would write them an email hahahahha.

SHE SHUT DOWN, I DIDNT.

you cant do anything with someone who shuts down. cant communicate, cant make the best of a bad situation. shutting down is abotu the worst communication there is. i did bad communication but not this bad. i didnt shut down.

how can SHE make more money than me and be more successful at life than me???!?!?!?!?!

and in relships too. she had a 4 year relship that could have resulted in marriage. i have never had a long term monog committed rel with a woman, ever.  that in itself is a damn red flag to women, and i have to damn lie about it essentially, or just avoid talking about it.

but i also feel like i havent been given a fair CHANCE. give me a CHANCE and dont GIVE UP and WALK OUT on me. im not THAT bad!!!!!!!! i honestly believe that! im not perfect but im not THAT bad!!!!!!!

i dont SHUT DOWN. I’ll write you a longass email before I shut down. Or leave you a 5 minute voice mail of me rambling. i will tell you whats on my mind in great detail!!!!!!!!! look at this blog!!!!!!

http://www.theabsolute.net/misogyny/onwomen.html

dont look for a redpilled woman, you wont find a decent one. just find a nice decent wholesome woman who has not taken too many dix and you can make her redpilled.

i have known this for a while, i am very comfortable being the red pill person hahahaha. just want a wholesome, moral, decent, nice, woman, thats all.

fook politics, fook redpills, fook race, fook music, fook taste, fook coolness. dont sweat the small stuff hehehe.

she will prove her race loyalty simply by not being interested in fooking nonwhites. and OF COURSE she WILL say something like “but Im not racist, i swear!” im not so autistic any more that I want a woman to say “yes Im proud to be a racist!” for a woman, thats just WEIRD!!!!!!!!!!! for a man, its pretty cool tho.

its very similar to when i was young, i thought it would be so cool to find a waifu who liked METAL. now im smart enough to know that would be a fooking clusterfook. it would be similar to find a full on 1488 waifu. they would prob be bipolar, borderline, and fooking ingras in 6 months.

note: i don’t think That Woman was Over the line crazy like that. she was acceptable levels of normie female crazy. she just greatly disappointed me is all. she is still way less evil than average. a good person who did something very disappointing to me. shit i would take her back in an instant hahahahaha.

i mean women are just not good at making real world judgments and doing things in the real world. yet they make shitloads more money at jobs in the real world. when they have no real SKILL in the real world! i mean when it comes to SERIOUS shit in the real world,  you’d be a fool to trust a woman! they jsut dont have it! and i dont say that to be mean! its just the way it is! its just not a good match for them! their skill set is elsewhere! namely, raising children. and heres the thing, that can of course be extremely compromised as well. in the current year. so many times it appears that many women are good for absolutely NOTHING.

i mean many women in the real world are literally good for absolutely nothing. its sad and horrifying and it didnt have to be that way.

and that woman, she was not one of those worthless women. like i say, i hurts a lot more to be rejected by the good, decent women. those are the ones that take longest to get over. because something of great value was lost. as opposed to something of no value. or negative value hahahaha.

i guess i should meditate on this real life woman i know who is not a piece of garbage, but actually a decent, good, wholesome, moral person. nope she is not redpilled, nope she is not politically minded, yes she likes the worst music and tv shows and movies ever.  but she has good morals, has lived according to those morals, and would make a good wife and mother. perfect. i am not attracted to her but i wish I were. well actually not, because she is getting married and good for them i say. its about time. really she’s getting married a little late at like age 29 or 30, but better late than never in her case.

so whenever i think of That Woman, i should replace her with thoughts of This Woman. Yes.

and i dont think even if you cut muh balls off it would even help. my secsual libido is not the problem. its loving people who are gone, unavailable, and never luved me.

ok want to get in at least 2 applications before my afternoon powerwalk hahaha.

ok got in 3 but they were so low energy. local shitty hospital using ultipro ATS. it kinda incentivizes low energy applications. 3 to 5 minutes each. can only have one resume/packet on there at a time. ideally this is ideal, and employers wouldnt care if you only took 3 minutes on an app vs 30 minutes. but of course they do. and if you spend only 3 minutes, you will get screened out.

yeah tv is really triggering. i usually have it on as background noise……..but i really SHOULDNT. this is not a value added strategy hahahaha.

got 3 apps in real quick. the jobs.com site said full time but 2 were ACTUALLY part time. i dont think this is intentional. i think it is just basic incompetence from whoever manages the jobs.com postings. basic bitch not knowing how to do your job so you just Fudge It and pretend like you know what youre doing…..even though you have no idea of best practices. this is very common. this is the norm hahahaha. norm 4 normies. normies gonna norm hahahahaha.

ok time for powerwalk.

ok did 4.18 mile pwalk. listened to azzmador talking with grandpa lampshades.

ok this isnt the exact one but i should listen to this one.

they are both total laid back southern gentlemen, i have difficulty telling them apart hahahaa except azzmador has a slightly deeper voice. but i love this laid back, polite, friendly, southern hospitality.

very j00 wise alt right type guys who each do their own podcasts but not on trs. but i am sure they approve of trs. they are not renegade tier or anything hahahahaha.

heh. if i am going to have children i cant afford, i might as well do that with some woman i am madly in luv with and would never want to leave hahahaha. of course she could veyr well want to leave me!

because honestly i cant EVER imagine being ABLE to afford children!

heh. i could probably smoke MJ all day, then take the next 2 days off, and then my system would be clear to pass a drugs test. thats pretty good right?

ok how about 3 days.

really the best think i can do is powerwalking hahaha. i wish i was as good about lifting. but powerwalking is my strength, muh skill set, and i want to be the best powerwalker i can be hahaha.

the other thing i naturally do is writing this trash……………… and tbh the powerwalking is a lot BETTER FOR ME.

the writing CAN be good SOMETIMES but it can EASILY go both ways.

the walking cannot. the walking is ALWAYS good. cant go wrong. win win.

these women are NIHILISTIC and SOCIOPATHIC. the horrible lives they lead. the empty, shallow relationships. the things they value. MORAL INVERSION. NIHILISTIC and SOCIOPATHIC. treating people like OBJECTS.

i have been antsy since not having an interview is a while. and i am at 18.5 and i need to get to at LEAST 25. meaning 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, and 24 are all gonna be worthless. other than getting me one closer to magic 25.

but 25 isnt magic! like i say, on the whole, i feel i do PRETTY GOOD on interviews! i mean i dont SLAM DUNK it, but i still feel i do well enough to get an offer before 25!

bridget jones baby? a 50 year old slut with tons of grotesque plastic surgery creating a miserable innocent life out of her 50 year old adolescent sluttery? absolutely disgusting! if i didnt have the tv on i would never have seen that bullshit movie commercial!

women cannot give good advice basically. if you ever need HELP with figuring something out, god forbid you go to a woman. they might mean well, but my god they cannot give good advice. they MIGHT mean well though. that does count for something. but dear god dont take their awful advice. what makes /r/relships so shitty is all the WOMEN chiming in with their shitty advice. i need a MEN ONLY forum. but not necessarily a MGTOW or got forbid GAME forum. but 99% of Men Only forums are going to be MGTOW, MRA, or Game.

well, not TRS though. but TRS doesn’t have a relationship section. but they should hahahahaha.

MAYBE I SHOULD START IT hahahahaha.

I think it would go over better than me starting a Neet Section.

but I DO like having a Neet Blog which is very Alt Right!

like women will tell you that college and career is more important than a rel, and encourage people to break up just because theyre YOUNG and those early relships NEVER work out, you have a chance for a great FUTURE by getting into a Top 50 school, so just break up with so and so even though u luv them. bullshit advice like that.

women are so BLUE PILL on things like college. they were encouraging another woman who had left a 45k a year job so she could go back to COLLEGE and become a TEACHER. holy SHIT.  thats exactly the kind of bad advice women give. because you’ll be so glad you got your teaching degree and now make 20k a year with part time sub jobs and no health care. babysitting feral black chirren.

https://bu.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/52xouc/recently_my_girlfriend_20_f_and_i_19_m_of_25/

not a lot of commentary right now. but i want more people to say yeah she is really an ice cold bitch, not “it doesnt matter, youre not entitled to anything.” no, of course he’s not, but IT WOULD BE NICE if she could DIGNIFY A 3 YEAR RELSHIP by not meeting these sleazy new friends, staying up till 6 am, going on tinder right in front of him. show some COURTESY for the HEART you are breaking and the Long Term Relationship you are Single Handedly Ending, I would tell her.

dont tell him “its over, get over it.”

yes of COURSE he should go no contact but give him some moral support at least. damn. judge her behavior as shitty and sleazy!!!!!!! judge her as the bad guy here!!!!!! because she is!!!!!!!!!!!

now i dont talk too much shit about That Woman. Sometimes sure. but not overall. most of this is just me grieving and moaning and whining. but i can’t say what a shitty person she was…….because she wasnt. she was honestly a good decent wholesome person who just dropped the ball here and disappointed me greatly. but it wasnt because she was a shitty, horrible person. she just fight or flight and shut down. she could be a great wife and mother to a different man.

ok i turned off the tv and am listening to beethovens 1st symphony. not sure why. just wanted some classical music symphony fast. something that wasnt too jooish. and that is a symphony.

she doesnt NEED to consider your feelings. again, technically correct, but to tell the guy that…..that is weak womanly advice. no, she doesnt need to, but she SHOULD, after 2-3 YEARS, show him some god damn COMMON COURTESY.

COMMON COURTESY IS A REASONABLE EXPECTATION.

https://bu.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/52wdvu/i_31m_am_having_an_extremely_hard_time_moving_on/

she wants to be just friends, he thinks he needs to go no contact and cant do just friends because she broke up with him and he still wants her. he sees her at bar, is drunk, gets emotional, now he’s the bad guy. come on. meanwhile she’s tweeting about fooking strangers off tinder. god damn. so he’s supposed to be cool with the love of his life dumping him and fooking randos. and hes the bad guy for getting upset once. come on.

COMMON COURTESY from the woman is a reasonable expectation. not tweeting about EVIL DEGENERATE NIHILISTIC SOCIOPATHIC casual secs and being a filthy, degenerate whore. he has every right to be upset. yes he should go no contact.

so yeah. whatever happened to common courtesy. human decency. early termination fee. treat the person youre dumping with respect and kindness because THIS HURTS THEM.

casual secs IS unqualifiably degenerate, and she wants to throw away something good and wholesome, to do degenerate filth. of course he has a right to be upset.

at the very least she shouldn’t be pushing him to be friends, to understand that he is hurt, and needs no contact.

what did SHE do when Chad dumped her? probably some really shameful things trying to get chad back! and then fooked a bunch of casuals when chad laughed in her face!

now she’s pissed at the guy SHE dumped because he’s having a hard time with it? what a fookin coont!!!!!

and when this bitch on reddit says yeah you did act like an asshole, he responded with yeah i know i feel so bad about it, i know i should apologize to her etc etc. i downvoted the bitch hahaha.

common courtesy. human decency. part of the social contract of having a relship is NOT BEING A PIECE OF SHIT WHEN YOU END THE REL.

HAVING THE RIGHT TO SINGLE HANDEDLY END THE REL SHOULD COME WITH THE RESPONSIBILITY OF NOT BEING A PIECE OF SHIT WHEN YOU END IT. 

so many women didnt get that memo. too immature.

and i dont care if i am making a should statement. THIS SHOULD BE A SHOULD STATEMENT!!!!!

STAND FOR SOMETHING OR YOU WILL FALL FOR ANYTHING.

STAND UP FOR WHATS RIGHT, GOOD, JUST, TRUE, AND BEAUTIFUL.

DONT BE A PIECE OF SHIT.

DONT BE A NIHILISTIC SOCIOPATH.

DONT BE A JOO.

now that is the type of lecturing i can support!

i would be a great lecturer. sermonizer.

oh but they broke up 4 months ago so everybody should be KEWL, thats plenty of time to get comfortable with the love of your life dumping you, without willing to work on it, and fook randoms, and youre the bad guy to get upset at that and not want to be her platonic friend and hear about her degen secs life. god damn fooking degenerates. i am this close to private messaging the guy and telling him he is totally in the right and not to listen to that bitch that said “he definitely fooked up”. fook that bitch!

RELATIONSHIP BILL OF RIGHTS AND RESPONSIBILITIES.

you HAVE to include the Ending Terms in their too.

THE ENDING IS PART OF THE RELATIONSHIP.

so yeah it IS her concern, it IS her business. if she can end it on her whim, then she has to put forth good faith, good will, and effort to do the WORK necessary to end it at her whim. and that involves human decency, common courtesy, and not being a piece of shit. wow. i guess if you ask for that, then you are the bad guy.

you’re the bad guy if you think casual secs is degenerate and bad and a terrible way to finish off a beautiful LTR.

cuz its all the same, theres no good or bad or right or wrong.

and this is 30 year old people with professional careers, level 2 and above making 60k a year, saying all this disgusting shit.

FOOK THIS GAY EARTH!

and she has NO IDEA why the guy is upset! unbelievable! a 29 year old woman with the maturity of a 12 year old and she makes more money than i ever will!!!! unbelieveable!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

TREAT PEOPLE THE WAY YOU WANT TO BE TREATED!!!

DUMP PEOPLE THE WAY YOU WANT TO BE DUMPED!!!!!

how can all these WOMEN not even BEGIN to understand that????!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

no not all women. but a good 50% of them hahahahaha.

half of them are in this basket of deplorables hahahahahaha

its amazing you have to shout these Things I Learned In Kindergarten to Grown Fooking Women.

well remember its not all women. only HALF of women, hahaha.

oh but the ending isnt part of the relationship, these sneaky little j’s claim. i dont have ANY responsibilities the second i say “im done” and walk out.

that is an extremely JOOISH view of humanity and human relations. all these sneaky little loopholes, just like a joo trying to joo you out of service. sorry goy thats not in the contract. here’s the thing, there is no real contract. no exchanges, no refunds, no service, thanks for the money, chump!

theyve turned our women into sneaky little joos!!!!!!

i dont want to talk to women, i dont want to read womens stupid thoughts. the only time i will listen to a woman is if she is being NICE and PLEASANT. women CAN be good at that when they want to be. having just utterly harmless, charming, nice small talk, just being damn NICE. its really not that hard. doesnt take a lot of effort, energy, or creativity. just be nice. dont be an annoying, unscrupulous joo.

sept 2016: i keep hearing hearsay that millennial woes got a ladyfriend and that it is makign him more confident and masculine. I HOPE SO!!! GOOD FOR YOU LAD!!!!!!

I luv MW but havent listened to him lately cuz i dont luv the hangouts. anyway i would be VERY happy if he got a nondegen waifu, he DESERVES a good waifu, and indeed it would help him become an even better man…..as waifus can potentially do. shit it would help ME!

sept 16

yeah so i dont care that mw had a gay past, except that it makes him kinda neurotic and despairing and has consequences for his current mental/emo health, but he can certainly mitigate those consequences, and i believe he has done that. now i just hope his gf isnt a degen bitch who dumps him and breaks his heart because that could really set him back. i know. hahahahaha. remember he also fell in luv with a WOMAN before and when she rejected him, that broke his heart for YEARS and that hurt him a LOT. ive been there hahahaha.

i mean yeah this is what i am obsessed with. muh white whale. muh wheelhouse. relships between men and women. period. that is what i should do my career in. period.

so funny. for most normies this is just an accepted part of life. you get a gf and bang and sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesnt, but you just keep going until at age 25 you find someone you could probably marry and then you marry them, have children, and maybe they divorce you in 5-10 years.

but theres no need to study and obsess and analyze because you know you have the tools to be in a serious LTR because you’ve been in them before or you’re in one now!

since i have never been, i just don’t know that i have the Tools. and that is part of my obsession, studying How Women Are, and How Men Are, and the nuts and bolts of communication, problem solving etc.

when REALLY, i probably ALREADY HAVE the Tools i need, i just havent found the right woman. who is willing to let me use those tools hahaha.  because they were never WILLING. they were not OPEN, they just wanted to WALK AWAY. because they Just Werent That Into Me. but it they WERE, then I would have the Tools and the Communication Skills to make it last at least a year!

but yeah these normie women are like ROBOTS. date a guy, fook him, fall in “luv”, get some abortions, fall out of luv, dump him, and IMMEDIATELY start the whole process again with a new guy. it sounds both EXHAUSTING and DISGUSTING. how can you do that? how can people be so interchangeable to you? how can this “closeness” be so casual and meaningless????!!?!?! its NIHILISTIC AND SOCIOPATHIC!!!! and exhausting and disgusting hahaha and grotesque and horrifying, very blackpill.

but maybe IM the fooked up one because i take this shit too SERIOUSLY!!!!! and when i get heartbroken it takes TWO YEARS to get over them! whereas with NORMIES it takes 2 months before they are fooking other degens!

hehehehe i luv muh waifus literally TWELVE TIMES more than normie degen women luv their men!!!!!

but yeah it makes me think that normie degens incl half of women just dont Luv People the same way I do. or at least at much less of an intensity. And when the difference in Degree is Twelvefold, it may as well be a difference in Kind!!!! a different kind of luv!!!!!!!!

and how do you have a real sustainable LTR when you luv them TWELVE TIMES more than they luv you??!?!?!

that gives them absolute power over you and spells IMMINENT DOOM for the rel. period. they WILL leave you and you WILL be devastated for the next 2 years. what a terrible way to LIVE hahahaha.

basically i need to find another WEIRDO whos luv meter is turned way up to 12 in order to have a lasting thing where i dont get dumped because a huge interest mismatch!!!!

heh all this is not productive writing at all. it is pretty much a nonstop circle of Negative Thoughts. and i need to Rip Out negative thoughts and replace them with positive thoughts, by any means necessary.

even at the expense of Truth!

like how i should replace all thoughts of That Woman with This Other Woman I know who is very very nice and wholesome and is getting married soon. just cut and paste. i should also cut and paste with some sort of positive replacement to the negative thoughts that FILL this blog.

powerwalking is good.

well, not ALL of this post is bad!

WHEN I AM MAKING SERMONIZING STATEMENTS LIKE THIS, those are usually pretty good. even the righteous anger ones. there is nothing inherently negative about righteous anger!

despair, however, yes. that is INHERENTLY BAD.

righteous anger good. despair bad.

so, when i am going into despair or other negative realm, then switch it with something positive: thinking of this wholesome woman, statements of righteous anger, powerwalking, or something productive like Job Searching. cranking out the Apps. getting closer to 500-600. how about 550 hahahahahaha.

job apps themselves cause both righteous anger (good) and despair (bad.) i guess the solution there is, once again, maximize the good and minimize the bad.

turn the brain from a negative thought machine, to a negative thought killing machine!!!!!

so here is a remaster of ulvers classic nattens madrigal. i dont usually like remasters and i dont have anything against the intentionally raw production of the original, which is really not that bad………BUT my concern is literally for hearing and ear health. you could literally damage your hearing with this album, even though it is actually very clear in terms of being able to comprehend and ingest the music. and is quite listenable!

but that high end is just so maxed out that it hurts the ear. i feel this 2014 remaster might be a bit more forgiving while jsut as listenable.

its also got demo versions of some of the tracks which is great. the demos sound great EXCEPT they dont have any vocals, and garm was truly a gifted BM singer.

it just sucks thinking that all of your life goals:  getting a good waifu, having children, and having a job to support that family that doesnt drive you to self-destructive madness, that all these goals are out of your reach. the best you can hope for is a 12 dollar an hour deadend job and then you get your outside-of-work satisfaction by smoking MJ, powerwalking, listening to podcasts and music, and dnating to 1488 causes. which are not bad things, well probably the MJ is, but you just cant stop thinking about the nice waifu and the family you want to have, but youre just too old and fooked up to be able to attain that.

ok stop those are despairing thoughts, lets replace them with righteous anger or job seraching or powerwalking or other positive thoughts or actions.

well i just came back from a 4.2 miles powewalk. listened to natt’s alcoholocaust ep 1 which wasnt as good as i expected. its just a mess and i cant even understand the bantz. i mean these are all good guys but still.

garm was 20 years old when they did nattens madrigal damn. now did he actually write the guitar riffs and such? i mean that is pretty important to me hahahaha. or was it that guy haavard who went on to do nothing special afterwards? i am sure garm knows how to handle a guitar, its really not hard, the important thing is having some sense of songwriting skill, which i never really had, and which i am sure he does.

ok i am gonna apply to this health system job, and while doing so, update my cover letter, which will add about 15 minutes or 10 to the apply time, but i have to measure this WORK somehow. because it is important, measureable, billable, measureable, timeable work that I am totally entitled to COUNT.

un fooking believeable. a super huge application, already at 45 minutes, longest ever, doing a phaggy ass personality test and intelligence test, when the internet goes out in the middle of the test. i am actually happy to do intelligence tests to prove that i am intelligent, and if it gives me like a 1 in 10 chance of getting an interview (as opposed to the usual 1 in 25 chance)….but god damn this is frustrating.

had to reboot compt to get internet connected again. i blame windows 10. 77 minutes total. a new record!

ok. assuming 15% of the job application time could be added to calculated how much time it takes to FIND the jobs (ie, going through lists, reading postings, and decided yes i should apply, vs, no way, dont even waste your time), in other words, about 2 minutes for every 13 minute application, ie 15 minutes total; and 1.5 hours spent on each interview (prob a little low tbh; we are including travel time, interview time, and im not sure about prep/study time), for 18.5 interviews, and 418 applications, we are up to  132 hours total for the entire job search. really a little LOW tbh fam. on $1716 worth of time at $13 an hor, although more realistically my price should be more like 12 an hour.

sorry i meant 419 jobs so far. please dont fire me.

so i was listening to the am grey podcast on feminism, and adams waifu said she was disturbed seeing a man and a woman holding hands where the womans hand was on top, and they used that as a powerful symbol that men are passive and not leading anymore.

i thought DAMN, the women I’ve been associated with would just DUMP ME before even GETTING to that point!!!!!

they wouldnt stick around long enough to LET that happen! they would have ALREADY dumped me for being a wimpy passive spineless doormat!

so why are these women not just walking out on these men? wouldn’t they get disgusted the first time they put their hand on top, and say, im done with you, you weak wimp?

that was what i was asking. i have been dumped for MUCH LESS. why are these women staying with these phaggots in the first place?

i cant even remember how i held hands with women, its been like 11 years since i held hands with a woman hahahaha.

saw a profile picture on soundcloud of somebody who photoshopped dat boi into the famous vietnam photo of the running people being napalmed and the little naked girl. dat boi had replaced the naked girl.

ok finally found it

2016-09-16_20h39_22

YOURE WELCOME hahahahaha

updated Standard Cover Letter with Sentence explaining Employment Gap. ok there. not much more I can do about that. But I think its a small, maybe larger than small, improvement on something that was already damn good and should be more than enough to get me a 13 an hour job.

ok i swear i wont go lower than 12 an hour hahahaha.  so i guess i am at 12-13 now depending on my mood hahahaha.

good thing SHE is making like 16 an hour!

but i dont know that!

but there’s a 75% chance she is!

ok so what does it MATTER then?

because like i said 100000000000000000 times, i dont like her BEATING me at the game of life!

why not?

because i hate her proving she is BETTER than me.  because it adds INSULT TO INJURY.

why?

because she injured me, now she is insulting me.

why?

see now we are getting into the circular part.

yeah i know THEORETICALLY it doesnt matter.

but IN THE REAL WORLD, it ABSOLUTELY DOES MATTER how much money people make, and how women view men who make less money than they do. they view them as totally worthless and inferior.

i dont view people in those terms. but im not a woman. im not PROGRAMMED to care about status in that way!

i mean as a male i do care about ranking and hierarchy………but not in that same visceral sexual or loving way. i know what peoples status is In The Real World, but I know it has no real bearing on their worth as a person.

but it has VERY REAL BEARING on their worth in the MATING MARKET!!!!!!!!1

and the mating market is VERY important to me because one of my MAIN LIFE GOALS is to find  a good wife and have CHILDREN!!!!!!!!

so thats WHY all this shit MATTERS so much!!!!!!!

i am apparently an abuser because i notice slutty behavior and call sluts sluts. thats what abusers do. nonabusers dont have the word slut in their vocabulary hahahaha.

PUNCH OUT THEN KEEP WORKING

july 1

shit. i hate that you just cant be an ok people person. you gotta be a MASTER people person just to get a 10 DAH job or get some fat slut. if you have the SLIGHTEST anxiety or autism or awkwardness…..1% is as bad as 100%. 2 is as bad as 10 hahaha. all or nothing. no in between.

you have to be all or nothing because the WORLD is all or nothing. jobs, women, life, hahaha.

sometimes  while browsing the indeed list you find a job thats SO GOOD you HAVE to apply for it RIGHT NAO. So go ahead and do that. thats a good thing. like i found one today: day shift, full time, mailroom clerk for large IP law firm. Dayum.

using A Spreadsheet and a Stopwatch to calculate the Exact Average of how long it takes me to do a Job Application.

with 3 down so far, the average is 15 minutes. has varied from 6 to 27 minutes.

this is actually making it slightly more interesting. maybe this is a holdover from my stupid job, where all our calls were timed and we could see a dashboard of how many calls we had each day, average time of calls, total time IN, etc.

i kinda liked improving my numbers. also it gave me some Hard Numbers. of course it also allows the company to Measure More and to crack the whip harder. 20 minutes average call time? get it down to 19 and we save 1 million dollars a year and can give execs moar bonuses and cut more people from YOUR department!

but in general i think the stopwatch is a great idea for THIS, muh job SEARCH, and getting a handle on exactly HOW long it takes to do EACH application, and what a reasonable number of apps per day is. i have been shooting for 8 but that’s cetainly low. but HOW low?

ok well my average is now at 17 minutes. thats with short ones and annoyingly long ones. only have 6 so far. i figure 100 might be a better sample size.

not that i havent already done over 210!!! 232 as a matter of fact. hehe.

today had a first, applied to USAJOBS, something for the army. FEDGOV hehehehehe.

17$ DAH job working with like army kids? child care technician? well in the FEDGOV they make 17 bucks an hour with bennies. GS 04 or some shit.

SO i figured that 5% of applications will get an interview. 1 out of 20. i mean that is ABOUT what its actually been. about 10 interviews for 200 applications.

well REALLY its 9 interviews for 230 applications hahahahahahahaha. but NO, cuz when I HAD the 9th interview last week, I had only about 200 apps in.

ok, so 9/200.

SO, assuming about 5% chance of an interview, it is THEN safe to assume that 5% of INTERVIEWS will result in a JOB. THEREFORE, you have to put in about 400 applications, therefore get 20 interviews, in order for you to get 1 job.

so shoot for 400 applications.

about ABOUT 20 minutes per application, that is 133 hours.

and that is 3.25 weeks of Full Time Work hehehehehe.

and right now I am showing 17 minutes per application, not 20.

why the hell didnt i start measuring this in a spreadsheet EARLIER?

because when you Train Yourself, it takes you MONTHS to stumble on things that a Trainer would show you right away. Best Practices. Best Practices do not always come quickly.

and this is a pretty obvious no brainer. use a spreadsheet as a tracking system to measure Metrics. its not exactly out of left field.

http://bbs.dailystormer.com/t/advice-on-how-to-red-pill-my-fiance/37312/11

this guy does not seem super smart but he is a manly white man who carries a Glock hehehe and doesnt want his qt white gf associating with trash. cuz her friends are trash and her family is trash and she gets the attention of blacks hehehe but she miraculously is not a huge slut. so says the boifran hahaha.

i know that feel, that woman was CLOSE to trash but she was not herself really trashy. she didnt want to be trash so she dumped her trashy friends. i hate to think she thought of ME as TRASH.

well at least TRASH can WORK!!!!!

july 2

horry sheet, interview with the company i have submitted like 14 applications to this year and i NEVER thought they would interview me for anything more than a 9 dah pt job….has invited me to an interview for like a 32k to 46k FT job hahahaha.  so, doing that on thursday. afternoon of courshe hahahaha.

BIG reach here, but……it was kind of a reach just to get the interview!

They are interviewing at least 5 people.

I would prefer something a little less……involved, because I might be better qualified for something Lower, have a better chance of getting it.

I do know the application here had like 5 short answer questions that probably scared all the CASUALS and PUNTERS away hahahaha.

and made the Application Time like 30 minutes instead of 15 hehehe.

what was the manager doing sending emails at 10 30 pm on the friday of Fourth of July Weekend? why wasnt he out of town with his family?

this place has a Unionized Workforce and I thought they were serious about muh 40 hours and not a second more hehehehe.

well there are ways around that, you simply PUNCH OUT THEN KEEP WORKING hehehehehe.

how common is this? for people who want to make themselves look like they do more in 40 hours than they do? really for OT Exempt people its not an issue. then you just work 80 hours for the price of 40 as a general rule hahaha.

i am somewhat interested in the Goth Subculture, but its also kidna degenerate and the women are SLUTS. VERY high number. but they might be willing to help weak sissy beta guys gain experience and confidence in banging bitches, which is always good.

yes, bang those disgusting degenerate high number whores, just for EXPERIENCE and CONFIDENCE. THEN you will have a better chance at getting the women you DO want. there’s a reason they call them PRACTICE gurls. And you can’t get a Decent Woman without PRACTICE. Like like you can’t Win the Championship Game without PRACTICE.

just Wrap It Up and try not to lie too much. like don’t tell the gurl you’re in luv with her, OR that you will marry her, OR that you want a Real Relationship with her. It’s Only About The Casual Secs baby, whatsamatter, dont you think secs is FUN, ya prude?

but yeah i dont think there are any gothic gurls under 30.

also goths like phaggots and nihilism and drugs and are not masculine and all.

i would approach Goth in a way that championed Traditional Victorian Values, and wears a lot of black, and likes melancholy shit, but thats really about all. While also still being Masculine and promoting Morality and Family and Traditional Gender Roles.

at the same time i like gurls who are not super duper girly. That Woman was feminine but she was not super duper girly. in that she was chilled out and laid back and not into Drama. But she kinda was. at the end she couldn’t get out of the drama.

i dont mind minor drama, but major drama needs to be dealt with. women are so attracted to drama that they dont even want to deal with major drama, they just run away from it if its too much. leaving people in the LURCH.

they need a MAN to pull them out of the drama. And I was not man enough. shit i was CAUSING the drama. i didnt know how to FINISH it. well, i DID know that we PROBABLY needed to confront it and talk about it, and she didnt want to do that.

all the more reason I need to MAN UP and say THIS ENDS NOW and MADE her talk to me hehehehe.

so yeah. BIG interview thursday, one of the biggest. the manager has been working there for 12 years and is a (former?) CPA but this job is more in “systems.” he does not have a masters degree but does/did have a CPA and that is about as hardcore as a masters degree hehehehe. fookin tryhard.

applied for job as AP clerk for company, took 23 minutes, brought average up to 16 minutes hahahaha.

i only have 8 jobs in that spreadsheet, i suppose if i had all 230 jobs, it would be a more valid/accurate number.

lets just say the shorter the better. i would like it to be closer to 15 than to 30.

in 1980 it didn’t take you 16 minutes to do a job application (well maybe it did.)

but for DAMN SURE in 1980 you didnt have to do 400 job applications before you found a job!

but its good i have an interview for next week, i didn’t have one this past week. want to have 1 or ideally TWO eery week.

had a dream with THAT WOMAN last night, as i recall it was pretty long but i still dont remember much other than i was spending the night with her, but she was mad at me and we were arguing and i was sleeping on the couch or something. i was scared she was gonna LEAVE ME, that she wasnt willing to work this out. , that she had just Had Enough, it wasnt worth saving to her.

and of course that was what happened! but this dream at least pretended that we were actually Going Out.

I was also starting to care about her family. Cared about her single mother who had a possibly rough life but she was at least a good mother and probably a good person. cared about her brother and sister who seemed really nice and were not promiscuous degenerate drug addicts, they did not even smoke MJ. they just lived clean decent nice lives. Cared about her extended family who she told me about.

and now all of THOSE people were ripped out of my life too, her telling me you’re not allowed to care about them any more, you’re done with ALL of us.

so that was an extra element which made things even more painful. I felt closer to her because I felt I kinda knew her family. again, not something i normally do with women.

she had an older family member who was not in good shape and that was causing her a lot of stress and worry at the same time as our thing fell apart. i felt guilty for Bothering her during such a difficult time. But I cared about the family member too! I shared her pain somewhat! and if she thinks it was all a Ploy to Get Dat Ass, she couldnt be MORE wrong!!!!!!!!

but i totally lost my frame and became weak and supplicating and BEGGING. I should have taken the FRAME of the MAN who COMMANDS respect….not a pvssy weakling who BEGS for respect! you put the foot down and say THIS IS HOW ITS GONNA BE.

hmmm this qt young gurl (7-8 years younger than me, very cute and nice, low number, she got married tho, like at age 22, well good for her hahaha.) sent ME a linkedin connect today and i accepted it. I had seen HER many times but did not ask to connect with her because she might think its creepy i was stalking her. well she is way more successful than me anyway. good career in health admin and is being promoted, moving up, didnt even get a damn masters degree, works with a bunch of other qt young women.  its hard to imagine they will become hambeasts when they are 40 like so many other women.

but they might not also become loving wives and mothers and just continue riding the coch carousel, so yeah, part of that is not becoming a hambeast. gotta look good to pull the alphamost coch. fat hambeasts can only pull thugingras hahahha. i hope SHE becomes a fat hambeast. her mother didnt unfort. her mother still looks bangable. i should bang her mother in horribly degrading ways hahahahahahahaha

heh i set up a 50 cent monthly dnation to bernard chapin. lets see if HE complains about the dnation being too small hahaha. i really dont think he will. he is not that kind of guy tho. I wish he had found a good wife and become a father though. its SAD that at 46 he has Accepted he will always be a MGTOW. he is coming out with his new book “man going his own way.” I mock MGTOW’s now, but not too long ago, I considered myself a mgtow, and uncle bern is the best example of the best of mgtow. he is a very good honorable man and THATS why he needs to stop being a mgtow and become a father! hes not race aware enough, let alone 1488. well, i will stop my dnation if he ever has a keeid with a nonwhite or advocates race mixing hahaha, which i dont think he will.

CANT TELL IF BEING BLOCKED OR JUST IGNORED

0218

sheeeeeeeeeeeit.

how do think this is an ok way to end a rel? how do you think what youre doing is acceptable and ok? how can you not see this is not a good thing? there may be no legal code on how to end a rel the right way, but there are some basics that you should know, that even I know, who has never been in a real rel hahahaha. if one person reaches out and says please dont treat me like garbage to throw away, we had a long term friendship that needs to be acknowledged respectfully…..uhh try to do the right thing and do what theyre asking. ask your older wiser relatives for help on how to do this, even if you dont have a father, your mother seems smart enough to know what to do here.

you might think that you can end a 3 year friendship with the snap of a finger, but you cant. not even for nihilistic sociopath bitches whose only relationships are the farcical machinations of The Relationship Simulator, would be able to tell you that a Three Year Friendship is INCONTROVERTIBLE EVIDENCE, OBJECTIVE FACT, that something important and long term was established here. it doesnt matter that we wanted different things, that i wanted to upgrade and she wanted to downgrade. thats true, but its IRRELEVANT to the fact that there is a three year friendship here that is being DESTROYED. and ANY court of law or court of dr phil hahahaha would agree that you cant just snap your fingers, wave a magic wand and undo/erase/delete a 3 year friendship. EVEN IF that friendship is On The Rocks. doesnt matter. irrelevant. long term relationships just dont die this way. it takes a process, a procedure, it takes time, it doesnt happen over night. it doesnt matter if she wasnt committed and i was. this wasnt a four month Relationship Simulation. it was a Three Year Real Deal. that is a Real Relationship. doesnt matter if its a normal friendship, or a fooking passive aggressive clusterfook where you fook and lie to each other and emotionally abuse and manipulate and betray each other like whos afraid of virginia woolf hahahahaha. at least they had secs once a year and she couldnt bring herself to just walk out on him hahahaha. they had a GREAT rel compared to me and her hahahaha.

you hate him so much? JUST LEAVE THEN. if they dont leave you, they still luv you. and with me, women have had NO PROBLEM saying its over im done and just walking out. absolutely not at ALL willing to put ANYTHING into the rel. feels good man hahahaha. no loyalty or commitment or luv. just im done, its over, im walking out now.

but even SHE should FEEL something, even SHE shouldnt be able to abort a 3 year friendship without feeling ANYTHING.

so if she feels bad….why not do something about it, to stop feeling bad? because she is THAT afraid of Confrontation. avoids it THAT much. she would rather feel bad, than confront me, meaning communicate with me at all.

so does that mean i should contact her through every weird way possible? no of course not. she blocked me on facebook, so i should contact her on okcupid, where she hasnt blocked me yet? also i have no way of knowing if she’s blocked my email or not, the way i can prove that she’s blocked me on facebook. fb is unique in that you can figure out if youve been blocked. email, or phone, you just cant be sure if youre being BLOCKED or just IGNORED.

am i being BLOCKED or IGNORED. hahahahaha. does it really MATTER? this is a joke see. hahahaha. it really doesnt MATTER. its an unknown unknown. in either case its the other persons responsibility to let you know when theyve stopped ignoring or blocking you. and they probably wont want to!

Basically i am allowed to be upset, VERY upset even, that someone i had a Proven, Objective, Factual, UNDENIABLE Three Year Friendship with, decided to end that friendship immediately and unilaterally and very disrespectfully, taking a real, objectively valuable thing, and throwing it in the garbage. therefore, i have a right to be upset. and god damn am i ever upset.

hehehe whos afraid of virginia woolf had a better stronger rel than me and her had hahahahaha ooosh thats bad.

yeah well i thought it was stronger than that. i knew there were issues but i didnt think she was about to PULL THE PLUG like that.

i knew things were in trouble, but i didnt think they were THAT bad. cuz she never gave me an ultimatum or even had a serious talk with me. i welcomed the chance! but noooooo.

so i was NAIVE because i was too attached to her?

theres limitations to this stupid argument. it doesnt let people get away with shitty things just because. THATS LIKE YOUR OPINION MAAAAAN. Thats just your PERCEPTION, thats not Provable Reality. Its only in your Mind. this rel existed only in your MIND, so its YOUR problem, you cant say SHE did anything wrong. cuz in HER mind, there was nothing, no rel.

so, to rebut/refute that, i present as evidence exhibit A, a 3 year friendship.

EVIDENCE. that it was not all in my head. that it was real for her too. maybe timestamps of all the times i hung out with her and things we did for each other.

basically, saying “the relationship existed only in the other person’s mind” does NOT give you license to do shitty things to them. like try to fooking DELETE a 3 year friendship, no strings attached.

dunno. i just hate how someone i thought was muh friend would rather get fooked by diseased dicks, than ever talk to me ever again. so stupid. just because the bitch hates communication.

i am so not equipped to handle this. i wanted to show her, dont be scared of me, im not mad at you, i will always be willing to talk to you. but i AM kinda mad at her. but yeah i still want to talk to her, because i want her, want a chance at her, etc. hate that she would rather get fooked by strange dick than ever see me again, etc.

this is IMPOSSIBLE to get over. i understand that GOD needs to TEST me, but did it have to be THIS hardcore? this test is not making me stronger but weaker and worse.

its also sad that i will have great difficulty finding a woman i get along with better than HER, the person who did THIS. i hadnt gotten along with a woman that well in at least 5 years, she was possibly the closest female friend i ever had in my LIFE, and it STILL ended this horribly. she couldnt even respect me enough to write me an email. she could have even said in the email, ok after this email, im blocking/ignoring everything you send me.

oh its not abandonment because she didnt consent to the relationship, she was out of the relationship, and i didnt know.

I didnt know because she didnt TELL ME!

When you have a three year friendship, its YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to TELL the other person you want out when you want out. PERIOD. PERIOD. FULL STOP. THE END.

Its natural and a part of life that relationships come to an end. sometimes its mutual. sometimes its not.

but yeah the good lord threw this test at me and i just cant handle it. i just want the increased dose of citalopram to kick in. hope to GOD it does. in an ideal world i wouldnt take this stuff. its funny. that woman was staunchly against SSRI drugs, believed they erased your memory and caused brain damage and made you a good goy slave for the 1% or whatever hahahaha. now she was into conspiracies and i am into conspiracies a bit too. and i went through a staunch anti SSRI phase myself. and i am STILL stuanchly against many other types of meds, including female birth control pill, which i believe fooks up womens minds and turns them into sociopath monsters.

but i take muh SSRIs because my mind is already fooked up and i am DESPERATE for something that actually works even a little bit.

the only thing that seemed to work was a close friendship with a woman. that would probably evolve into a Luv thing.

working a bigboy fulltime job didnt help; exercising didnt really help. i was at my most confident when things were going good with HER. which they have not been going good with her since end of year 2014 hahaha.

yeah closure comes from within, but a GOOD DEAL of it CAN come from without. the other person can CHOOSE to make it a LOT easier on you and give you a LOT of closure so that it saves you a LOT of time and heartbreak and pain. and why shouldn’t they. see relationship bill of rights and RESPONSIBILITIES.

TELL the person you want to get out of the rel, try to be gentle to them, try to give them some closure, respect them, respect their PAIN that is in large part caused by YOU. appreciate that YOU are gonna HURT them. dont just SHIRK all this because you hate confrontation. i hate confrontation too. but i would NEVER do this to somebody.

well lets look at it this way. did Bugging Her ever get me what I wanted, ever? when i Bugged her to hang out, she refused to hang out. if i Bug her to give me respect and closure and respond, you think shes gonna respond? fook no!

not that i was super bugging her. and not that she wasnt being ridiculously unreasonable! meaning, i only “BUGGED” her once every 2 weeks, and she kept saying no. no. stupid excuse. maybe later. avoiding and avoiding for 10 months. cant even hang out wiht me ONCE in ten months of me “bugging” her at reasonable, non-bugging intervals. fook me.

shit yeah im going crazy, ever since. and im not ALLOWED to tell her any of this because shes decided shes done with me, and if i come after her saying IM MAD AT U, WHAT U DID WAS WRONG, U SHOULD FEEL BAD, then that makes me the stalker bad guy, and i dont really want to be that.

0219

i didnt deserve this.

2. i will NEVER fully understand this.

3. what IS clear and unambiguous is that she does not want to be in a rel with me. not gonna happen.

4. nobody deserves to be thrown away aka ABANDONED.

5. its not just a matter of perception or opinion. you just cant dispose of a three year relship like this, period. there are roots which go deep.

6. some people are just THAT hellbent on avoiding confrontation of any kind, at all costs, by any means necessary.

7. the avoiding confrontation “explanation” is going to be the best “explanation” im ever going to get here. stop wasting energy trying to figure shit out…..because its IMPOSSIBLE to figure shit out without her cooperation.

8. she could not be LESS willing to cooperate. i directly asked for mercy and she rejected that requested. said no mercy for you.

9. this is legimately sucky and shitty and i am RIGHT to be very upset. VERY upset. she flushed away a 3 year friendship without even talking to me. thats legit objectively preponderance of evidence court of law admissable shitty. i have a RIGHT to be very upset. but i can eventually get over the EXTREME pain and move on with my life, and that is my ultimate goal.

0220

yeah shit i mean i just dont get how i could have SO MUCH to want to say to her…..and she could have NOTHING she wanted to say to me. i had 1000000000 pages worth of stuff i wanted to tell her, get off my chest, just have her heart it. and after a 3 year friendship where i KNOW i was at one time important and valuable to her…..now she s able to throw it away and not have a single word she wants to tell me. and wont respond to me when i ask her to.

yeah just boggles the mind.

i have written SO MUCH because theres SO MUCH i want to TELL HER. boggles the mind how she has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to say to me. not even “fook you, you betrayed me, you liar”. at least then i would know exactly what she was thinking, as WRONG as it would be, i would know where she stood regarding me, other than simply never wanting to talk to me again.

is it because her father abandoned her, and as a close male friend, i also became kind of a symbolic father figure to her? and this was the perfect chance for her to get revenge on HIM by doing the same thing he did to her, on her stand-in symbolic father, ie ME????!!??!

maybe. file that one alongside all the other unprovable theories.

but yeah. that was the thought that came to me yesterday: how could she have NOTHING TO SAY ABOUT ALL THIS? oh maybe she did, but not to me. shes got nothing to say to ME. why the hell not? we were friends for 3 years and youre just gonna shut me out have NOTHING to say to me? at least tell me WHY youre punishing me! people who get punished usually have an idea of what they did. i…..my idea is that she’s punishing me for “betraying” her…..but she doesnt understand that i didnt really betray her.

i mean is it REALLY THAT UNHEARD OF for a man to get feelings for his young woman friend? is that really so out of the realm of possibility? especially when they get along so well and supposedly had a lot of shared values, things in common, similar personalities, etc.

https://archive.is/4ICWb

marriage, men, masculinity; using game for the right reasons, ie finding a good decent traditional woman for a longterm monog child-bearing rel, rather than degen sodomy with degen sluts.

ok maybe this is a private topic only, they are doing heavier moderation on the forums now. yeah pretty sure you have to be logged in as a member in order to read it now. and archive.is wont save anything that you need to be logged in for. which makes sense.

anyway. yeah. that was the thing that was bothering me. i have SO MUCH stuff to say TO her, that i want to say to her, but i cant, so i write stuff she will never see, just so i can get it out, and in many cases i end up spinning my wheels in a rut. its just weird that i have SO MUCH i want to say to her, and she has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.  Is that hate? is is disrespect? i dont even know what it is but its not good. i mean if i am mad at somebody, i would want to tell them why i was mad at them, hahahaha, assuming i were better at confrontation. but i dont even really get MAD at specific people for specific things, i generally dont rock the boat and get along ok with people.  except for her.

but yeah if i got along SO WELL with her, then we would have been able to communicate better.

i wish i knew the moment that she was checked out. cuz i didnt think she was THAT MUCH checked out. i thought she would cool off and EVENTUALLY respond to me. because how can you flush away someone you spent 3 years of your life with? i couldnt do that! yet im jealous of the men she DOES luv, i wish i could have her luv ME like that. not want to give up on me. have her be willing to fight for a rel with ME.

i mean one person is building a bridge towards the other person, who is building a wall. both people need to be building bridges towards each other.

theres also the bullshit of women playing “hard to get” and you have to “do all the work”, vs they actually dont want anything to do with you. i think she actually just didnt want anything to do with me. which was hard to accept and impossible to understand, since we “got along so well” for 3 years.

i thought we DID get along better than that though. we DID! we USED to hang out and have good talks.

but it was like she SENSED it the SECOND i got feelings and from that moment, BANNED me from hanging out with her!

but it was complicated because we saw each other every day and talked every day at work. and she responded to my texts outside of work. and prior to this we were outside of work friends. i just wanted to hang out wiht her outside of work like we USED to. i mean the work environment was horrible and i could never relax and have a serious friendly talk with her.

a damn small peanut butter and jelly sandwich has like 450 calories hahahaha.

heh. i cant believe i have to stay to 1570 calories a day just to lose 1 pound a week. i can eat 1570 calories in ONE MEAL. at 1570 calories a day you are hungry all the time except right after you eat a small meal which you kinda wanta eat more!

but yeah its really really hard to leave something unfinished and to accept we will never have an answer. never really experienced this before. in the past it was pretty clear that women were intentionally dumping me and then i quickly moved into a hatred/anger phase, when now i’m MUCH more on a blaming myself / still being in luv with her phase that is lasting forever. but it IS clear she is intentionally dumping me!

but i kinda want her to KNOW HOW SHITTY of a thing this is do to, like i need to stand up for myself and say what you did fooking SUCKS, you should NEVER EVER EVER EVER do that to a person, because it hurts them a LOT. SHAME on you. you need to be punished and spend some time seriously thinking about why what you did was horrible and wrong.

and when i say punished, i mean i would love to give her a good spanking, but that would have an obvious large erotic aspect. like i am spanking the woman i love and fairly getting off to it and afterwards we will live happily ever after.

but as far as physical pain or even emotional/psych torture, i have no urge to like beat the shit out of her or something, like guys who beat their wives to death with closed fists or blunt objects hahahaha. just a good spanking.

like i dont want to do anything to HURT her, i dont want to HURT anyone. but i DO want her to feel GUILT and SHAME for doing a BAD thing. write me a 10,000 word essay on why its wrong. seriously.

and also i kinda want her to get punished by unlucky events in life, and laughing bitterly at her fallen shameful life; especially like getting knocked up by a deadbeat and being a white trash single mother who can’t keep a man and who just can’t pick a damn decent man who will treat her right. like me hahahahaha. she will always pick an Actual Badboy over a Good Guy. and when i say bad boy, i dont mean like a tough guy alpha male good guy like The Don, i mean like deadbeat pill poppers and alcoholics and cheaters and deadbeats and pump and dump types. she literally is not calibrated to pick men who are good for her. again this probably comes from her father. naturally i wanted to save her. it seemed like she COULD be saved: she wasnt too far gone, we got along so well, she was very nice and sweet to me, she hadnt been with too many guys, so lets at least TALK ABOUT the idea of taking our friendship to a deeper level.

but yeah she didnt give me any hints she was gonna do THIS. i knew things were coming to a boil but i did NOT anticipate or prepare for this. i knew shit was in trouble but i thought we would have some sort of argument at least. i did not expect to be abandoned and blocked from all discussion. i expected to be screamed at and called a piece of shit and having a big scene like that. but not this.

well i guess now the good news is that i know how to prepare for this sort of situation in the future: if there is tension growing, address it openly ASAP rather than waiting; tell them what you need to say in person even if they are avoiding you outside of work hahahaha.

see this is such a strange situation because im not some beta orbiter stalking the qt gurl at the office, where the rel is ALL IN HIS HEAD. we were real life friends BEFORE we both started this job at the same time. and then essentially got downgraded from real life friends to work friends, while for 10 months i struggled and begged her to hang out with me outside of work, and she avoided me with excuses rather than just saying no.

so, dont take bullshit like that. say, we havent hung out in 3 months. we didnt hang out for tgiving OR xmas OR new years and i thought we would. whats going on here. what are you thinking and feeling. i want to hang otu with you and i am HURT that we NEVER have any time together.

she might not like me having feelings for her, but i thought i was an important person in her life, and that she would CARE ABOUT ME, CARE ABOUT MY FEELINGS. she had done so before! and when you CARE about a person, you just dont throw them away!

like you know when you are upset or mad at someone you luv. you know that in a few days you will cool off and hopefully talk about your situation. but DEEP DOWN you never  lose sight of the fact that you care about them, you dont want to GET RID of them, you’re just upset at them RIGHT NOW. even when you’re in the depths of anger. you know its only temporary and you need to cool off.

well, unless its one of those things THIS IS THE LAST STRAW! IM LEAVING YOU FOR REAL THIS TIME!!!! the type of people that are always giving dramatic ultimatums at every fight.

well she never gave dramatic ultimatums but what she did was essentially carrying out an unspoken dramatic ultimatum. but there wasnt a PATTERN of this happening either, so that made it harder for me to anticipate it and prepare for it! there was no PATTERN of fighting and silent treatment! this was our first, only, and last major fight!

and also the thought that she would throw away a 3 year relationship over ONE fight. yeah it was kinda a big fight but…….

i was facing her with my arms open, welcoming her to come to me, trust me, be with me, talk to me; she was facing the other way with her arms crossed essentially. and then walked away and never looked back. it doesnt matter HOW open i was to her since she was as CLOSED as a person can BE to me.

ideally both people are facing each OTHER with open arms.

but do women show you any WILL? i dont know if this is agency or what….but YES i think they DO show SOME sort of damn INTEREST or WILL or WANT when they WANT to do something with you: spend time with you, be with you, work on your relship problems with you, talk it out.

heh. i would have been TOTALLY willing to go to a Relationship Counselor. i would be the type begging my Partner to go to a Relship Counselor. and my partner would stubbornly refuse. nein nein nein nein nein nein nein!!!!!

OR………they would not even say nein, they would just sigh ugh, walk away, abandon me, block me, ignore me, ban me, never respond to me, and never talk to me ever again, leaving me to go crazy for the next year at least hahahahaha.

THE PAST IS REAL

0125

somebody on TRS recommended this metal band, atlantean kodex, a 2013 album. i dont have much energy to listen to new music unless it comes from a reputable recommender which i would count the TRSwaggots as. people generally cmpare it to candlemass, bathory, and epic power metal. they said it was somewhat nationalistic but not sure about that, but they seem to not be ashamed of there bavarian heritage, so thats good, and the lyrics might be larpagan stuff that generally relates to europe, so i think thats what they meant. they arent outright 1488 in other words, and leftist journalists like pitchfork have no problem with them, so.

but yeah it sounds pretty good! great production, long epic songs, soaring vocals, very majestic. i like epic metal and i think it is a decent goal to take epic doom like candlemass and mix it up into an even more epic thing of 10 minute songs.

was also looking for good racially oriented bands. stahlgewitter seems pretty “based” with intimidating tough guy vocals, but they are in german, which adds to the toughguy, BUT i kinda want to know what they are saying. apparently they arent SO 1488 that they are outlawed by the Cucked German ZOG, but i guess its fairly well known they are racially aware and pro-white.

BASICALLY i am looking for something that is upbeat and high energy like vapaudenristi, with good production and drums, somewhat roaring/tough vocals, somewhat melodic, with good lyrics that inspire true nationalist and racial pride without being corny or silly, and in english.

i listened to some skrewdriver but i am autismal about the production. i will have to take some more time and effort with skrewdriver of course.

anyway you have to get good at Cognitive Judo to Karate Chop the BARRAGE of negative thoughts and impaired judgments coming at you all the time. like a damn video game sending out enemy after enemy to get you.

i hate that feeling that i am not entitled to kindness or sympathy just because this was all in my damn head.

the proper response to that is, she could have treated me with the golden rule and made some effort to be kind.

and also noone is entitled to anything sure, but thats a useless argument, you should adopt the REASONABLE EXPECTATION argument instead. if someone was once your friend and not some random stranger, you have a reasonable xpectation to Golden Rule Kindness from them towards you.

QUOTE from TRS forum thread on autistic ridic ASMR vidyas, which is kinda like “emotional porn” of QT gurls whispering to simulate the tingly feel of at QT gurl whispering in your ear, if you have ever experienced that, which if you dont get that on the reg, it gets you all tingly and excited:

Natalie Szőke about 15 hours ago
I’m pretty sure people who haven’t experienced being close to someone has a much more sensitive response to this kind of thing, so that would explain why autists are such a large percentage of who enjoys it. Kind of how people are more ticklish before experiencing a lot of close interaction.

I’ve felt it before but only once or twice, and never from one of these videos, otherwise I probably wouldn’t believe it was even real.

END QUOTE

good point natalie but check your closeness cuddle privilege hahahaha some of us virgins dont get our cuddle on regularly at all. also i have a finely tuned radar for Young Women on this forum, esp young unmarried women, of which there are maybe 1 or 2 hahahaha. either way i am too old and pathetic for a gurl like natalie hahahaha.

so yeah i think its shitty that these autist bitches do that to poor pathetic neet autist virgins. cant they seek their attention elsewhere. or do they sadistically delight in vampiring off the hope and luv of THE most pathetic hopeless men in existence?

but is that just me being woman hating again. to hate attention whoring asmr sluts who get tingles off neet virgins getting tingles of them whispering in their ears.

or is it just me getting butthurt from a 21 year old traditional marriageable woman rightfully saying people like me are Not Very Experienced and Would get off to Mere Youtube Whispering?

well i dont watch the shit. but i was a big fan of cuddling and touching and tickling and whispering when i did it once 10 years ago hahahaha.

someone on the forum  (OneEye, I generally approve of him!) says ” Women can detect fakery and bullshit much better than men can, it’s built into them biologically”. how true is this? cuz i thought women were generally much more gullible and foolable and easily led than men. so much so that women themselves become huge fakes because they dont have a strong sense of self, of who they actually are, they are always “going with the flow” so much. BUT its normal and good to pick a strong horse over a weak horse innit? well not if the strong horse is not the white horse hahahaha.

heh. i was watching lisa ling cnn do a think on “mystery land” in new york, a huge electronic festival, and i reflected how my own state had a big festival like that, and i can only imagine it as a huge degenerate thing of drugs and promiscuous secs, although with probably a “good” number of young and attractive women. i mean big summer music festivals are really not a new thing. but a bunch of 20 year old gurls on “molly” looking to get fooked by strangers sounds really sad and degenerate. the idea did not titillate me that much. i much preferred the idea of cuddling on the couch with That Woman, no novelty, no variety, just monogamy and cuddling and austistic ASMR hahahaha was more exciting than all the drugs and buffet of young white pvssy. i just wanted on nice young pvssy attached to a nice decent white woman and she could tickle me and me tickle her and whisper in my ear and cuddle me and just give me a fooking fair chance and not crash the plane with no survivors hahahaha. give me a chance, dont give up on me because i wasnt perfect.

so if a gurl goes to a multi day music festival with camping, uhhhhhh not a good sign. how many guys does the average gurl add to Her Number at these things?

no way would i let my daughter go to such a thing!

but then wouldnt my daughter REBEL against me, thus i would GUARANTEE her being an even BIGGER slut, by me using strict anti slut defense measures as a father????!?!?!?!?!

ANYWAY my POINT was, when somebodies talking about entitlement, just tune them out. technically no one is entitled to anything. but when you enter into a friendship, there is a SOCIAL CONTRACT of RESPONSIBILITIES implied there: that both people will try not to be shitty to each other.

so she thought i was being shitty to her, therefore she was gonna be super shitty to me.

but i wasnt REALLY being shitty! i was being a TINY bit shitty, like i say, -1, but she was being at LEAST -20 if not -50!!!!! have a SENSE OF PROPORTION!!!!!!!!!!!

basically the idea that she had NO responsibility to me, because my luv was one sided, therefore she had no responsibility to not throw me away like a piece of garbage.

WRONG!!!!!

she had the responsibility to take our whole damn history into account and to try to see the best of me rather than the worst of me, espcially since it was not an abusive relationship. im not even sure it was a toxic relationship. it was definitely getting there. it was more of a ROUGH PATCH that had it continued longer might have developed into a toxic rel. well, the rough patch went on for like 7 months. so yeah the whole rel was becoming toxic. but not abusive. mainly a complete communication breakdown.

ive repeated allt hsi for months. but you see how the negative thoughts barrage me constantly like bad guys in a vidya gaym. and i have to K them All.  stuff like i was to blame, i was the bad guy, i betrayed her, i abused her, i was weak, its my fault she hates me, i betrayed her, i made a big mistake, she wouldnt treat me like this if i didnt do something horribly wrong, i was a weak loser and thats why she rejected me, she was my last chance, i will never meet a woman this good that i had such a real connection with, that was the end, this is the end of my life, my life is over, see the thoughts just keep coming and coming.

yeah i was a little weak, but if she were committed to the rel, she would have tried too. she wasnt committed or invested AT ALL, therefore she didnt TRY AT ALL or lift a damn finger or make a damn effort to do the right thing.

she could have tried! she could have done SOME work! she could have made SOME effort!

its a common complaint that “it feels like im doing all the work”.

i hate it when bitches say, well just adjust your expectations and perception then. be happy then. be happy and satisfied with a cold person who is drifting away from you and treating you like shit and you clearly love them 100000000000 times more than you love them.

fook that. thats still one sided as fook. last time i checked rels take 2 people. and i believe white women still have SOME agency. they are not Retarded Children the way the pick up artists, mgtows, and women haters, and virgins, and me would have you believe hahahaha. oh god i hope all women are not retarded children are they?

no some are mature and decent, like woman2012.

bbbbbut woman2015 did show maturity and agency with other men! I just couldnt get her to show that with me!

well because there SHE was getting dumped and SHE was desperate remember. she was so desperate shed have a talk with the men about feeelings.

but when SHE has to dump a guy, her usual method is to ignore them entirely and hope they get the picture. i saw her do it to this one pathetic guy who was in luv with her. but i was way closer to her than HE was. WAY closer. and therefore i never thought she would do the same thing to me. it hurt me more than it hurt him. like i think they are still faceberg friends, she didnt BLOCK him, he didnt have a breakdown, even though he was kinda the type who would. he more or less just had a temporary crush on her.

i dunno why i feel like i have this jury of women judging me, saying: you brought this on yourself, you deserved this, you awful man. dont complain this hurts. you could have stahpped this. you caused this. YOU did this, not her. you made the choice here, to fook up the rel and to make her do this. yes you did betray her, yes you did deserve this. you reap what you sow. etc etc etc.

because maybe i feel Team Woman would always side with her and would always do the same thing to me…..which really Not All Women Would Act This Way.

0126

or the idea that i am so autistic, so unexperienced, that i will never understand women, and this is jsut one of those things that normie guys understand about women: “yeah its stupid, theyre like retarded children, but if you get feelings for them, they hate you like you are pond scum. just accept it and know thats the stupid way they think.” really???!?!?!?!

ive never been hated like this before! i dont like being hated! i dont like doing things that make people hate me!

i tried to think of when I hated a person like this before. the closest i came was an old roommate in 2001 and woman2005. and yeah it was silly for me to hate them that much. but that doesnt really compare. because with woman2005 i still wanted her, i wanted her back, i hated her for dumping me and then for giving me false hope we would get back together, and then hated her for the happiness she felt from other guys and how she liked other guys way more than she liked me.

but That Person, she hates me with a total contempt and disgust. she isnt jealous for me. she doesnt want something she cant have. i dont even hate individual people like this. i have no frame of reference. the closest thing is my racist hatred for fat, disgusting white mud sharks who defile their race by being fat degen white trash sluts who had mud babies with the worst blacks. and THATS how SHE feels about ME!!!!!

or how about just gross sluts in general, it doesnt have to be just mudshark sluts. but just some ridiculous slut who has been with 50 guys. you just feel disgust and contempt and dont want anything to do with the person.

bach cello suites. i tried to find a white performer hhahahahaha so this guy rostropovich

Polish-German-Lithuanian-Russian family

i know on wikipedia those terms mean nothing, but they usually say in the early life “a j00ish family” or down at the bottom “russian j00s” or something hahahahaha. nothign like that here. also he was friends with soltzenitsyn, so i think we are safe.

not that you cant enjoy a j00ish performer of BACH……i just prefer not to at this point in muh life. there are plenty of options on youtube ni99a.

always read the “EARLY LIFE” section on wikipedia hahaha. rostropovich was a student of shostokovich, who, though the latter was influenced by ((((mahler)))), is still ok. btw stravinsky does not echo. i couldnt remember. it is ((((schoenberg)))) and ((((webern)))) you want to avoid. technically philip ((((glass)))) as well but i have liked some of his stuff.

anyway.

i wasnt used to being hated, esp not for the wrong reasons! and me, the most hateful person in the world, had never hated someone like that before! i have no frame of reference for this!

and you dont like being remembered in a misunderstood wrong way! forever and ever she will remember me as a lower than dirt piece of shit who betrayed her. and thats wrong! i dont deserve to be remembered that way for the rest of her life!!!!! how can the people she knows condone that??!?!?! cant they advise her and say, ya know, youve got the wrong idea about him. because she either tells her own bullshit version of the story to them, or more likely, just tells them nothing at all.

but yeah i never hated a woman like that! except when i was jealously wanting to get back together with her! which is way different than this, where you hate them and want to never see them again, want nothign to do with them. that was more like how i hated my male roomate hahaha.

and i didnt feel betrayed by him, i was just like, yep i did misunderstand him, now i truly understand him, this guy is so fooked up and just so fookin weird. we used to have deep 18 year old teens talks about the meaning of life, and what it all meant maaaannnn, and he came to a hopeless, nihilistic, mgtow, completely atomized and lonely vision of life that i thought was horrifying, and he was completely ok with it. in hindsight he was probably just TROLLING me!!!!!! but rightfully i was horrified that someone should not feel despair over the horrible world he described!

but me and That Woman were very much on the same page re our worldview, and had developed a meaningful relationship with each other. its not like as i got to know her, i thought…..who is this person i thought i knew?

well now i do, after the end hahahaha.

yeah. i just hate being hated. also i just cant understand feeling BETRAYED. even when i hated a person i didnt really feel BETRAYED, as much as SOLD OUT. like, you never really cared about me.  you sold me out and just left me in the lurch.

its hard to get used to the fact that theres someone out there who was very important to you, and they have the wrong idea about you, and will never change it. you want to clear up the misunderstanding but cant.

i would honestly feel better if she didnt hate me! it sucks to have someone important to you just use a guillotine to end the rel, and then go on hating you in perpetuity.

but thats ON HER. if youre gonna hate someone because you feel they BETRAYED you because they got feelings….. thats an indicator of your own immaturity and stupidity frankly. thats not how a normal person views that situation. thats not even how I view that situation!

yeah it was a bad TIME for me to get those feelings. but i admitted that to her, and was willing to admit all the minor mistakes i made. she was not willing to admit any mistakes she made, for example big mistakes like ignoring me and throwing me away.

why would i want someone like that?

becuase she wasnt always like that! her default position to people was one of NICENESS, and i enjoyed that niceness immensely! there were really no red flags that she would treat anyone like this!

she sort of ignored the pathetic acquaintance who was in luv with her, but i didnt think she’d ignore me the same way because i was much closer friends with her.

she cut off the guy who cheated on her, but he cheated on her! he deserved no mercy! shit if some gurl i was in love with cheated on me, id be BEGGING HER to please stop cheating on me and please just get back together with me! when in fact shed probably just dump me altogether. That Woman showed emotional maturity by kicking a cheater to the curb, thats not a red flag, its a good thing!

if anything I would be emotionally immature by begging the cheater to please change, and please dont leave me, ill forgive your cheating 6000000 times, just dont leave me! and then they would leave me hahahaha.

so yeah there were some general yellow flags, but no red flags that she would do something like this to me. so the Red Flag Analysis does not help me process this. nothing helps me process this. it cannot be processed. ultimately, it doesnt really need to be processed. other than to say it was unprocessable, it was a horrible misunderstanding, she refused to listen or empathize or try at all, and i cant make her understand or try, so she will always hate me for a stupid reason.

i dont even KNOW that she does HATE me. maybe its total indifference. well now, 6000000 years later, im sure its indifference. i am just somebody she used to know long ago. and by the way what a piece of shit he was! but that is way in the past. doesnt matter.

well i believe you shouldnt live in the past, but you should appreciate how the past shapes your present and future. for example you just cant unfook all those coks you fooked, all those hearts you broke, all the people you sold out and screwed over. you have to truly repent and make amends and become a better person, or else you will rightfully be viewed with suspicion and distrust. the past is real. its important. its real important hahahaha. it matters.

thats why if a woman says OH THAT WAS ALL IN THE PAST, thats a RED FLAG. yes its in the past but the past matters. now tell me how youve changed and become a better person and wont do the same thing again, when youve shown a PATTERN OF BEING SHITTY TO PEOPLE.

you had a baby with a deadbeat in the past. well now you still have a growing baby to take care of.

you cheated in the past. well now we know you have the capability of cheating, vs a person who’s never cheated.

same with sluttishness. you did it once, youre capable of it, you could do it again.

NOT EVEN ONCE. ONCE IS TOO MANY.

yeah i was a degenerate too. but i admit it and i regret it and i will be the first to tell how that was wrong and bad and i never want to do that again!!!!!!!

anyway this is why i want an impartial judge and jury to listen to the facts of the case and determine that i was a little wrong sure, but she is WAY OFF in her interpretation of this, and i didnt deserve this treatment, and shes WRONG to remember me this way!

well maybe she doesnt hate me. shes “just done” with me. or she doesnt feel betrayed by me. shes “just done” with me. fine. but i still say its shitty to just be “done” with someone and dispose of them in this manner. if you want to be just done with someone, tell them and try to make it easy on them. dont just ignore them and give them nothing.

BECAUSE ITS ALL ABOUT YOU. THERE ISNT ANOTHER PERSON IN THE REL WITH YOU.

think of the other person whos heart youre breaking!

i showed empathy to her! i knew what she was going thru! i knew she had a lot on her plate, and that feelings from me were at a terrible time!

but just make an EFFORT to show empathy to me. just a little. ie, see that i want to hang out and talk, so stop blowing me off to hang out and talk.

well i took a break to clean the room. got out a huge bag of throwaway trash/rubbish/garbage, which i am throwing away the way she throwed me away hahahahaha. had to double bag it the way you should probably do it when she spreads that easy pvssy hahahaha to everyone but me. o lord.

anyway, got a huge bag of trash.

and also a pretty big bag of stuff to donate. books and clothes and shit.

AND also moved some stuff into a permanent long term storage bin that will be moved out of the room. this is stuff i cannot bear to throw away, like Journals and Poems and Photos or stuff given to me by long gone friends. that isnt so degenerate i just cant throw it away.

some stuff reminds me so much of the degenerate idiot youth i was, i just threw it away.

its easier to throw stuff away if you dont LOOK at it first hahahaha.

like i threw away a poem/lyric i wrote over 15 years ago that i was VERY PROUD OF at the time, but now i shake my head at what an edgy, dumb teen i was, going down the wrong road with that nihilist or god forbid even communist stuff! that i CAN bear throwing away.

i know my stupid rebellion happened, i dont need any reminders or “keepsakes” or “souvenirs” of how stupid i was. that’s like a slut keeping videos or pictures of the all the slutty secs she’s had. the shits in your memory anyway. its one thing to learn from the past and never forget, but you dont need to TORTURE yourself.

vaccumed the floor of the closet, which had not been done in years, since that was kinda my storage space.

basically GOT RID of this falling apart large cardboard box on the floor of the closet, which was my previous long term storage box till now. threw some stuff out of it. moved everything else to a large study plastic storage bin that will be moved elsewhere. return to the bins once every 2-3 years to throw stuff out hahahaha.

PURGE your STUFF. look for any books, dvds, cds (i am so old i still have a bunch of CDs hahahahaha in storage.) that is DEGENERATE! and just throw it away. or maybe donate it if its not too degenerate hahahaha. maybe some poor blacks will enjoy rolling blunts on your old book by a j00ish neocohen hahahaha.

like i have a super nintendo and some games that i am really hesistant to get rid of. those were honestly great times.

and a bunch of CDs. i already got rid of at least half my CDs but some i had more of an emotional connection to. honestly good memories. i would rather donate them to someone who might appreciate them. i thought muh female friend might appreciate some of them but i will never donate them to her hahahahaha. O. SUCH A TRAGEDY. I CANT DUMP MY UNWANTED GARBAGE ON HER ANYMORE hahahaha. NO, thats not what i MEANT. i meant i knew she actually still listened to CDs (i think) and i would give her no more than 10 CDs of stuff i am pretty sure she would like anyway.

anyway. 1 big bag of trash, 1 bag of d’nations, got rid of 1 stupid big old box, transferred stuff to big plastic container, freed up another good medium plastic container and put other stuff in it.

i swear. PLASTIC STORAGE CONTAINERS are where its at. sterilite, rubbermaid, big ones, and medium ones, with lids. thats what you want. then store and stack em. put stuff near the top that you might use soon.

i would say the smallest you want to get is not SUPER small. make it big enough that you could put a full piece of A5 paper in it facing down. notebooks, folders, shit like that.

if you find yourself looking at a piece of carpet you havent looked at in years, vaccum it.

so i spent at least 90 solid minutes cleaning muh room and it made me feel pretty accomplished. that was good.

i also spilled a huge mug of coffee on the carpet hahahaha.

the falling apart 40 year old cardboard box i tore up and threw away. i was sick of that box being there.

30, 40, 50 year olds are undecided and going to a democratic caucus. come on. there is only one obvious answer here. i could understand a 20 year old twit. but they shouldnt have the vote. you shouldnt have the vote until AT LEAST 25, better 30.

its possible that trumpenfuhrer will disappoint us and sell us out after he wins hahahaha. and never build the wall and let in floods of immigrants and migrants and sell out more jobs to asians. but so would anyone else hahahaha.

like the 50 year old white male small business owner who was thinking of voting for BERNIE. wtf?????????

these fookin politicians hahahaha. degenerate scumbags. so how is a scumbag businessman any better hahaha.

also, i dont like how she thinks she is right and I am wrong. I think I am right and she is wrong. but i need constant convincing. she needs no convincing at all to beleive she is right, ie, that i am in the wrong, that i am an evil betrayer and piece of shit. i obviously dont want her to believe that. because its horrible AND its wrong. and i need to convince myself ERRY DAY that she is wrong and i am right about that fact, and that i dont deserve that.

its hard to put myself in her shoes because ive never been in that position, but i LIKE TO THINK, given my crude approximation of empathy, that i would act a lot better. but men and women are different, SO DIFFERENT, that they CANNOT POSSIBLY see it from the other persons view.

see, i believe men and women are very different, but not SO MUCH that they cant EMPATHIZE with each other. or that you have to say, “WELL, if i were a retarded child with no agency, which is how women are, how would i think about this”? shouldnt have to do that.

like if i had a female friend who liked ME and was signalling hard and wanting to hang out for months and months and months, i would not blow off her hangout. i’d sack up and do what had to be done. i would meet with her, see what she has to say, and since thats a tough thing to say, i would try to grease the wheels by saying, you seem like you have something you want to tell me. youve been acting like you like me. is that it? well im sorry baby i just can luv you like you luv me. sorry to break your heart. you dont deserve that. we should not see each other for a while. i will try to get my desk moved around the corner. or you can hahahaha. i will also not flirt with people from work right in front of you hahaha.

looking for candlemassy semi”traditional” doom…..but more epic. candlemass did not have 10 minute songs. they had like 5 to 6 minute songs. not long enough. so…..lets try some morgion (an all time fav!) and dont forget about before the rain.

and now how about such a band with explicitly pro-white lyrics, and from poland. hahahaha.

trimmed beard as well.

really should get to Gym as well.

but i have only had 795 calories today.

found a bunch of handwritten journals from like 2004, 2005. back when i was still young, still had some potential and hope. well i was not hopeFUL lets say that. i still felt a lot of despair, and threw my life away, and like not, i wrote a lot about it. except then i was drinking quite a bit, and writing the stuff in damn notebooks that need to be stored away in boxes for years to come. so should i just throw the shit away????? i kinda dont want to. hence they get stored in the long term box. maybe in 10 years i can bring myself to throw them away. or i can give them to my wife and children to read to see what a maniac degenerate their father was. yet i am convinced that in those writings you can see my intention to do the right thing, to unfook myself, the nondegen golden heart buried beneath it all.

well as late as 2007/8 i was a self identified leftist. OH NOES.

ok made backups of a livejournal i had going from 2006 to like 2008,9, and some in 11.

it was 707 pages long hahahahahahahahaha.

livejournal does not let you backup pages oh noes.

what would a reasonable, mature person do?

she would have done what i would have done in that situation:

agreed to meet

brought up the topic myself / led them into the difficult topic / asked them straight up on what i suspected the topic actually was

dump them nicely and try not to break their heart

*******understand that a friend developing feelings for you was not a betrayal of the friendship, and no doubt THEY are feeling even more conflicted about than you are!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this is really the main, only thing she really needed to understand, and which she totally fooking shat the bed on. if i cant convince her of this, i cant convince her of anything. thats something she needs to Learn In Life, Herself.

did she think this was EASY for me? that i was NOT conflicted? obviously the tension was so thick for both of us you could cut it with a knife! i obviously didnt ENJOY this or think it was CUTE!

i have a broken fooking guitar in the basement and brought it up to throw away. i mean the guitar is unfixably broken. the right thing to do is get rid of it, and not let broken shit take up space.

i am not a HOARDER by any means, but i do hoard small amounts of useless junk that really should be thrown away.

out of ALL the people to give the BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT, it was ME. like oh. lets not JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS. lets HEAR HIS SIDE OF THE STORY rather than fooking BLOCK HIM. maybe this isnt as bad as i think it is (ie thats what she should have been thinking.)

ever since all this shit happened my personal hygiene has been horrible. easily go 3, 4, sometimes 5 days without a shower, takes an effort to brush teeth 1 time a day, that kind of shit. wearing dirty clothes, dirty drawers hahahahaha, going to gym and getting covered in sweat and NOT taking a shower, not changing drawers hahahaha for like 4 or 5 days in a row. i got better about brushing teeth but i would like to get better about taking shower. come on. at LEAST once every 2 days hahahaha.

but yeah this has been a total mindfook. nothing could have prepared me. to have someone you were so close to get rid of you in SUCH a bad way. no it wasnt all in my head, dont you remember when you used to like me as a friend? now you throw me away? because you felt i betrayed you?

give me an ultimatum before pulling ultimatum worthy shit! request a private meeting if you dont want to give the ultimatum in public at stressful job place! then i would have told you my shit too!

it hurts to be thrown away by someone who used to care for you. and she did. i just wish she had reflected more on that before pulling the fookin trigger.

or even cooling off after a few weeks or months and contacting me then, like oooosh i didnt mean to throw you away like that im sorry, let me try rejecting you in a better way.

its probably because she felt so betrayed and thrown away by the PREVIOUS guy, that she is taking that out on ME. human centipede style. because she cant give it back to HIM. well why not? did he block her? i thought she did give him a piece of her mind and tell him what a giant piece of shit he was.  i dont know though.

its just so UNREAL. and knowing youll never make sense of it. knowing there will be no closure. knowing they will always remember you WRONGLY. its very very very hard to just accept that and live with that. it just takes a long time of suffering until HOPEFULLY you become numb to the suffering. 600 days hahahahaha.

and i cant contact her NOW because…..that would be CREEPY, and i have to be EXTRA CAREFUL not to be CREEPY. or else dr nerdluv and atheist elevator skepchick and anita sarkeesian might put me in jail because i made a woman feel uncomfortable for the shitty things shes done hahahahaha.

because its ALL ABOUT THEM hahahaha. i wish she had even TRIED to give a damn about me in the end. thats so frustrating. because she USED to be SO NICE to me. she was nice to everybody and extra nice to me and i was like wow its awesom when women are nice to you instead of huge ice cold bitches. i could see myself liking this.

anyway cleaning the room like that was YUGE. more rewarding than going to the gym. so, once in a while, instead of going to the gym, clean your room instead and get rid of junk. throw away, donate, or put into long term storage.

then once in while, go into long term storage and go through that, try to donate or throw away.

use medium storage boxes to organize stuff you may use in the short term. use large storage boxes for long term storage.

not really good. hahahha. because i did NOTTTTTTT start the rel under FALSE PRETENSES (though MAYBE she thinks i did)

[update aug 2016: yeah i was still going thru a lot of conflict at this time in january. by now i have reached more “closure” and “equanimity”, i.e., it’s easier to see that the simplest explanation is the best, i.e, she just didnt want to deal with a difficult, horribly uncomfortable situation, and just avoided dealing with it altogether. ran away. she probably did NOT hate me or feel betrayed by me. it probably DID cause her pain to end the rel. the rel, and me, probably DID mean something to her. but it was just classic fight or flight. I fought, and she fled. we have all ran away from responsibility, or given up when the going gets tough. and thats all it was. doesnt mean it doesnt suck horribly for me though! it took a damn YEAR for me to reach this fairly reasonable conclusion.]

also its WEIRD HOW MANY PEOPLE would be okay staying friends. with one sided feelings. then they would just try to kill their one sided feelings and appreciate the friendship for what it is. that just is weird as fook to me. cuz i just can kill the feelings. i always want them and need to be away from them for a long time, probably forever. i wish more people understood that!!!!!!

google is it WRONG to get feelings for a friend?

not much good articles. i dont think its WRONG. especially if you are not breaking up relationships or what not. it seems the mature thing to do is to maturely talk about it, without doing a “feelings dump”, and then communicate. not that they women say that. they say well its kinda shitty to tell them about it if they havent given you any signals of interest. women HATE communication and LOVE stupid SIGNALS. god damn stupid. so then YOURE the bad guy when you want to TALK about it. then its a FEELINGS DUMP and too much.

so you dont tell them youre in LOVE with them, you just say i have feelings for you. period. lets go out on a date and cuddle and have casual sex hahahaha.

well what do you call it when the person makes stupid excuses to never hang out wiht you?

then you take the hint and realize they just dont ever want to hang out with you ever again. just lay down and accept that theyre done and its all about them and you dont deserve common courtesy.  hahahaha.

 

YOUR FEELINGS DONT MATTER BECAUSE IT WAS ONLY YOU WHO HAD THEM

0122

sheeeeeeeeit. had some nyquil last night, never take more than a 70% dose, so got a lot of good sleep. thank god. praise be unto him.

had a weird dream but it didnt involve HER thank god. were watching the latest “lars von trier” movie which is dream code for something really weird and shocking. and it was. a bunch of shocking sex and fetish and violence stuff. like a 4 hour movie composed entirely of LVT’s most shocking and degen scenes. basically “torture porn” hahaha. something about a rich powerful american psycho like psychopath slowly K”ing a woman with a ridiculously long chainsaw, all protrayed as a very artsy movie.

now, LVT is not THIS bad. he pushes the limits and is much more degen than i would like him to be, but i cant say these dreams represent the reality of his filmmaking.

although i stopped watching “nymphomaniac” halfway through because i was disappointed such a good director as LVT had to keep being more and more degenerate.

the “TRUMPENFUHRER” today retweeted an official shitlord by the name of “whitegenocide” and within minutes everyone had noticed. and like 4 hours later the official trump tweet is still up there. it includes @whitegenocidetm right in the tweet, so its not like a user whose Racially Aware Shitlordiness was kinda subtle. its basically right in the username. this is the type of stuff The Mainstream would want to shy away from, and which they would quickly delete and give a public apology for, saying that some young untrained intern made the retweet without taking 1 minute to vet the original tweeter for Evil Racism!

http://gawker.com/donald-trump-would-like-you-to-see-this-tweet-from-whi-1754491950

of course its bee

http://thehill.com/blogs/ballot-box/266705-trump-retweets-white-nationalist#disqus_thread

http://www.cnn.com/2016/01/22/politics/donald-trump-retweet-white-genocide/index.html

on on WaPo too, it became a big tweet of the day. it has been up on his twitter for 6 hours now, still up there. i would be surprised if he just left it up there and did not comment on it.

hehehe there are some “basic” trump supporters who are following the same hite genocide tweeter just because they think he is pro trump, who would probably be horrified by all the racist stuff.

i know a few months ago trump RT’d a Racist re some Crime Statistics, then later i think trump sort of apologized or blamed it on an Intern, and deleted the tweet/RT. thinking something similar might happen here. i just like seeing white memes get mainstream media attention. a wapo article mentioning kmac or richard spencer or jared taylor is not an unheard of thing in 2015/2016.

anyway. its so stupid how people can hurt others the way they do. its stupid im so sensitive to this. that i feel the world is kicking my ass rather than me going out and kicking the worlds ass. certainly a result of coddling and spoiling by a well intentioned fam. i hate being SPOILED and WEAK hahahaha.

also it makes the movement i associate with, not want to associate with ME. it makes NO ONE want to associate with me. NO ONE – movements, women, jobs, clients, contacts, friends, colleagues, leaders, followers, supporters – wants to associate with neet losers hahahaha.

0123

welp looks like it has been at least 100 days since i last looked at pron whatsoever. actually i GUARANTEE it was at LEAST 115 days, but i took an ULTRA conservative estimate.

http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/topic/112371-30-and-hopelessly-alone/

did i link to this thread yet? always a decent one

http://web.archive.org/web/20151224163855/http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/topic/112371-30-and-hopelessly-alone/

haw haw haw

anyway i just dont like that she treated me like i was WORTHLESS to her. i meant NOTHING to her. i was just some randome stranger to her. it didnt mean anything to her to lose me, it mean everything to me ot lose her.

when thats not the case. i wasnt a randome stranger. there was a time when she expressed trust and closeness to me and by that time we had already known each other for 1.5 years. at out peak probably. by that time we were well in the midst of a longterm rel (ie, a real friendship) and things were going very well. it felt good to know i was important to this woman. i felt real loyalty from her. having that wither and die is hardcore. “just because” i got feelings towards her and tried to express them.

come on. i KNOW i meant something to you. at least be upset about the end. even when i was HER age i would have known better than this. well……at her age i was drinking a LOT. i might have avoided a confrontation and just kept drinking and avoiding. hard to say. i certainly didnt have any women in luv with me when i was that age, or ever!

i dunno. i like to think i would have still responded with a damn email at least.

or maybe i would have gotten scared and just deleted emails.

when i was that age and drinking i would avoid shit. i would sometimes not even look at my email for days because i was afraid somebody might email me. and if they did i would just delete it. but it didnt do that a lot. and never for friends or women, but i think skool related responsibilities sometimes hahahaha.

classic shirker and avoider ahahaha.

heh. i should begged harder on the issue of please have your mom or a mutual friend respond to me for you hahahaha.

anyway. point is, though my luv for her was all in my head, the importance of the rel was not all in my head. for a while she was rather connected to me, signif invested in me, she knew it, i knew it, and it felt like throwing me away like i meant nothing to her was a REPUDIATION of how much i once meant to her!!!!!!!

had a pizzafest at 10 pm during rare social get together with old friend. 4 pieces of pizza, some cheesy bread, a can of coke. leading me to be ONE THOUSAND calories about my 1200 daily goal. i have now moved the goalposts back up to 1560 hahahah. sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit.

anyway. yeah. it wasnt all in my imagination. it wasnt all a fantasy. we had a real, established rel. i didnt expect her to just walk out of it. give me an ULTIMATUM at least. this is exactly the type of drastic measure you implement AFTER an ultimatum is given, and broken. not something you SPRING on someone when you are also giving MIXED SIGNALS. to someone you knew for YEARS. who once actually meant something to you.

the whole thing is the biggest mindfook i have ever EVER experienced. EVER.

yeah i was a degenerate. i dont deserve much in terms of women. i prob didnt deserve HER: a young, nonugly, solid 7 white gurl with no kids and low number. the only things that brought her down were no father and been with 1 nonwhite. these were “concessions” i was MORE than willing to make, given my own lowass mate value: underemployed loser who never reached potential, short, old, balding, slightly overweight, low energy, omega niceguy, shy, introverted, nervous, neurotic, nebbish. the only things i got going for me is i dont have an ugly face, and i am a pretty nice guy to the people around me.

even at my most degenerate youth, i always appreciated people and tried to treat them well. i did not regard them as disposable and replaceable. i never wanted to just Crush Pvssy, I wanted to Crvsh Monogamous Pvssy in the confines of a committed Rel. even as I was watching tons of degen pr0n, partaking tons degen MJ, drinking tons of degen alcohol, parroting tons of degen leftist propaganda. i think really i was just looking to FIT IN and make friends and be part of a group and not be isolated and lonely.

i was a degen race mixer with my pseudodating, one of the girls was J’ish. but at age 21 i didnt understand how nonwhite J’s were. she LOOKED white, her skin was whiter than mine, and she was young and cute as hell. Uncle Al 1488 would have approved. Zyklon Ben “Montana Merchant Mangler” Garrison would have approved!!!

back then i thought J’s were Just A Religion. and the gurl was cute as hell and whiter than me! my first thought was that she was a Celtic White! i had no IDEA J’s could look like that; I’d seen some Js who looked pretty J00ey but she was not one of them.

anyway i dont really regret it. what i wanted with her was a nondegenerate thing. i got feelings for her too quick, but they were legit feelings. i didnt really know her though, i just had an illusion of her. but still my feelings were real and i was ready to Commit to her and have an old fashioned Rel. you can guess how she felt about that!

i always tried to treat people good, and never screw them over, never do them wrong. never be mean or nasty or sell them out or do them wrong. regarding real actual women, i wanted trad rels with them, not to get as many “notches” as possible. i cared about quality not quantity. K selected haha. this is all very good and non degen, the least degen thing about me, as i had a muh dick, muh feelz attitude about everything else: substance abuse, pr0nography. i watched the pr0nography because i was still horny. now when i was with the gurls i had no desire to look at the pron. i didnt understand guys with GFs who STILL looked at pron.

the point im trying to make is, even at my most degenerate, i just didnt have it in me to screw people over and do them wrong. that’s probably a good thing!

and when people screwed me over, i just couldnt understand how people could do that. couldnt they treat me a LITTLE better?  and i people around me behaving even WORSE! i never got any ridiculously BIG screwjobs.

even NOW i can still rationalize why she “screwed” me: path of least resistance.

but really. its really bad karma to hurt someone this bad. so it WOULD be in her interest to apologize. because she supposedly cared about karma.

see i am trying to talk back to the inner voice Of Her which says, “its YOUR FAULT you were so devastated, because this was ALL IN YOUR HEAD.”

yeah, the LUV was in my head. but apart from that, Our Friendship PRIOR to the luv was MUTUALLY VALUABLE AND IMPORTANT and therefore would be painful to BOTH of us to lose.

well the explanation there, is, during the 10 months i was being WEIRD, she was disengaging and preparing for the end in her mind. essentially ending her involvement in the rel, gradually “moving out.” so by the time she was gone…..she was ready to be gone.

still. communicating an ultimatum for ultimatum type actions WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE.

shit. might go to gym for a little bit.

0124

yeah eating food late at night, well not even LATE, but after like 9 pm, is a recipe for degenerate fatness. one of many big risks.  pizza, food in the evening, easting too large of portions, peanut butter, deep fried stuff with a crispy coating like fried chikun hahaha, french fries. potatoes. soda pop. donuts. well didnt we always know these things were a slippery slope hahaha. but yeah the other night i went liek 1000 calories over by essentially eating a Large Meal at 10 pm. 4 slices of pizza, some cheesy bread, and a coke. holy shit. the slices of pizza were not super huge, any normal man could eat 4 of them if he were a bit hungry. but yeah that was potentially catastrophic. good thing in the surrounding days i was pretty under, to make up for that overage.

basically act like the trumpenfuhrer at all times. he is the worlds most confident alpha man. just ask yourself WWDTD. with his attitude and confidence and occasional cockiness and arrogance he is the perfect role model for all men. dominate or be dominated. show no weakness. make no apologies. never back down.

the trumpenfuhrer does not drink. he is in tip top health. really there has never been such a charismatic and compelling repub candidate in my lifetime. maybe reagan but i cant even say, i was a small child when reagan left office. the don BTFOs a weak weirdo like mitt the titt from 2012. i can only compare the fervor to what was seen in 2008 when barry obongo had his own cult of personality. and now DT is his own cult of personality, kind of the total anti obongo.

heh.funny. j00ish gurls j00ed me over LESS than a white gurl.

i will never make sense of it. well i guess i did. she was cowardly, weak, and immature. maybe our friendship meant something to her but she was too cowardly to do the right thing, because the right thing is not always the easy thing. she was a classic confrontation avoider, i can understand that. i am kinda the same way. also she is not a good dumper. this how how she dumps guys. unlike most gurls, she was more used to being dumped than doing the dumping. i thought this would make her a more sympathetic dumper. and help her empathize with me and men in general, as we are more often dumped than the dumper in any given rel.

but would it really be worthwhile to contact her NOW and push her again for “better karma?” it prob wouldnt work. i just want her back anyway. if she responded i would contact again and again, wanting more and more, and then she would stop responding again and i would feel like a psycho idiot.

also i would find it hard to be satisfied by an apology that i basically had to ask for. no. they have to feel guilty enough on their own and not just apologize as a way to shut me up and appease me.

so you can have luv for someone you dont really know. if they are cute young gurl and they are getting physical with you and pseudodating. the chemicals can start activating, and IMHO that is as it should be. you should not take these chemicals lightly and abuse them with Promiscuity and Nonmonogamy. i was willing to do something long term and monogamous with those women. but they were not willing. they just wanted to have chill fun.

so i liked being friends with a woman, it was a real relationship where you know the person, not a damn charade filled with misunderstandings and illusions. hahahaha although it certainly ended in that way.

“dear” person,

why u do me like that. come on. you can do better than that. i know youre not a horrible person. so just try to treat me with some kindness here in the final moments. yes i admit i was not the smoothest. yes i admit i should have told you months earlier. i was making big hints and trying to hang out with you. i always thought we would eventually hang out, and thats when i planned to tell you. i didnt think work was the right place to tell you. but by god did i give you hints and signals, because i didnt like holding this secret in. i didnt want to hide it. i didnt want to cover it or deny it or lie about it. i wanted to get it out in the open and deal with it, which would prob mean the end of our friendship, but it didnt have to end in a bad way. its ending in a bad way now. just meet with me and have a conversation like someone who cared about me. you used to care about me. i just feel worthless the way you treated me like a piece of garbage, when not too long ago you used to care about me and value me as a good friend. i appreciated that and appreciated you. i know me giving you hints made you feel weird and distance yourself from me. however my feelings werent going to go away, thats why i wanted to discuss it openly and not have to give hints. finally i told you straight up. and i really wish you had responded to that even to just say sorry i dont feel the same way but i appreciated our friendship. its really important to me that you admit that our friendship was worth something to you. i know it was in the past, and i know things were strained recently, but i didnt think you were gonna pull the plug like that. at least give me an ultimatum first. i know its hard and awkward and confrontations are never fun. but i never meant you any harm. i only wanted the best for you. i was willing to be there for you during the ups and downs of your life. i wasnt trying to hurt or control or abuse or manipulate you. i didnt want to change you. i just wish you felt those feelings to me, but you dont, and i can accept that. i cant accept the WAY you chose to communicate that to me, namely through this blocking, ignoring, silent treatment, ghosting, whatever you wanna call it. it really really hurts a lot more than a conversation would have. even an email. just send me an email. think about how you would want to be dumped by someone you cared for, who didnt return those feelings. would you want them to do THIS to you? just send me an email. tell me our previous friendship meant something, and that I meant something. you dont treat people like this when they MEAN something to you. im sad our friendship has to end too. i didnt intentionally decide to get feelings when i did. it just happened, and at a pretty bad time too. when you get feelings for someone, does it always make sense or happen at the best time? also i wasnt trying to win your trust as part of some long con. I was genuinely your friend and I was very thankful to have a friend where we both knew and respected each other and earned each others trust. it was only AFTER that that I changed, my feelings changed. yes this complicates things but i can’t blame myself for getting the feelings. the feelings arent the problem, its how we deal with them. we have to deal with them better. we have to talk about this. its appropriate that our friendship ends, but it shouldnt end this horribly. treat it as a funeral for a good friend, rather than throwing a traitor in a ditch. i dont feel i betrayed you. this is just a huge misunderstanding. yes things have to end, because i have feelings and you dont. but lets end it with as little pain and suffering and hard feelings as possible. right now i am feeling great pain because i feel you threw me away like garbage, and i wish we could just talk about it and smooth things over, so that we both remember each other better, rather than betrayers and abandoners.

heheheheh end of daily letter to person.

basically i think in a “good” dumping you wont have anything left you want to say to the person. youve said it all and theyve listened to it all. you agree to disagree. you say, welp, i wish you werent dumping me, but at least we understand each other. its ok that you reject me, just try to reject me with less brutality and disrespect. respect the sanctity of my human life and the pain i feel. or you cant, because so many people have no respect for human life. they screw and j00 people, they cheat people, they cheat on people, they abandon and abuse and abort and raep and murder and beat.

apparently with some mortgage companies, they dont let you pay more than your monthly payment, like if you wanted to pay it off early and reduce the interest you were accruing. they put the excess amount in ESCROW where it does NOTHING, does not accrue interest of its own, and then just take it out next month. this way you get CHARGED all the interest you “deserve” hahahaha.

normally if someone has a bad breakup you just say, forget about that btich, you were too good for her, forget about her, shes a piece of shit, you dont WANT her in your life. yeah well but i DO want her in my life. and shes not a shitty person, shes just so misguided and has misunderstood so bad and done something pretty bad to me, but morally speaking, its nowhere NEAR as bad as cheating. its a LOT easier to not cheat, as to not avoid responsibility. i almost wish she HAD cheated. but then we would have had to have dated, which we never did.

hahahaha i never dated a woman long enough for her to be ABLE to cheat on me. so when they did shady things with other guys, they had plausable deniability: i wasnt CHEATING, we didnt HAVE a monog rel!!!!!

really the only thing i can do is just forget about it, put it behind me. kinda hard to do. she was just that important to me.

i am not the bad guy just because i got feelings for her! luv is never wrong hahaha luv is luv. like when men luv 5 year old boys. luv is luv hahahahahahahaha luv equality hahahaha.

well this was simply an adult man falling in luv with an adult woman who he gradually had built up a good friendship with. then it turned into something more. if anything this makes PERFECT SENSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so there.

fook. just turn it back on them. how would THEY feel if THEY had feelings for somebody, who then harshly dumped them, and said, well you dont GET to be upset, because this is not Real Luv, because only YOU have the luv, its one sided, its all in your head. the bitch would go crazy!!!!!!! just like me!!!!!!

its basically a way of saying your feelings arent real. fook you, theyre real as fook.

this is easier for the other person to pull on you when they never luved you. then they get to say, im sorry your hurting, but you really fell in luv TOO QUICKLY.

or they dont say im sorry youre hurting at all hahahaha. but hate you and shun you for the crime of falling in luv.

i mean i have no interest in meeting other women. but if some young cute gurl were readily available to me, i would bang her. but thats quite a lot to ask.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/rachelwmiller/how-to-break-up-with-someone-like-an-actual-adult#.xux92qkak

even the nihilist degenerates at BUZZFEED give OKAY advice on how to dump somebody the right way. oh i would have loved that!

but the idea of a TOXIC relationship, and an ABUSIVE relationship……ok it was DEFINITELY not an ABUSIVE rel, but it WAS kinda TOXIC.

so if its TOXIC, you dont owe them anything? if its toxic, its all THEIR fault? it takes TWO to make it toxic. i was trying to make it LESS toxic. she made it MORE toxic by being a damn STONE WALL.

http://thedailylove.com/how-to-tell-the-difference-between-a-toxic-relationship-and-a-rough-patch/

difference between toxic and abusive relationship hahahaha

http://letmereach.com/2014/11/12/is-your-relationship-toxic/

i mean i wanted the best for her, i didnt want to control her!!!!!!!!!! i didnt want to hurt her!!!!!!! however i also didnt want to her to leave me!!!!!! however i knew that i couldnt stop her either.

heh. i think history will bear out that i was the Good Guy who got WRonged here, but i am still too close to it, at a mere 6 months out, to be able to tell hahahaha. but in a year or 2 years i will just look back and shake my head and say damn she really fooked up. a lot more than I did.

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/5-signs-youre-in-a-toxic-relationship/

i mean sheeeit. you can just write me something and say this is the last contact youre going to get from me, i will not respond ever again, but im sorry, i appreciate that this hurts you, im sorry, its not your fault, dont blame yourself for this, its me not you, but we are done because i cannot luv you the way you luv me and therefore it cannot be a healthy rel for you. you deserve to be with someone who luvs you too. dont blame yourself for this. i will not respond if you contact me. sorry. send email. have your MOM send the email from guerrilla mail. click on this link in this strawpoll.me to indicate you received and read the email.

heh. usually the “bad guy” is the one who feels LESS pain. abusers get away with their abuse and the victim blames themself. not that i WANT to be a VICTIM, but i kinda want to be the victim here rather than THE BAD GUY.

http://www.examiner.com/article/toxic-abusive-or-mentally-ill-is-there-a-difference

http://www.examiner.com/article/18-kinds-of-women-most-likely-to-cheat-on-their-mates-1

18? only 18 hahahaha why not 900000000000000000000000 types of women most likely to cheat. come ON. are there really 18 DIFFERENT KINDS of female cheaters? i think what they mean are, heres 18 of 900000000000 possible red flags for cheating.

a better title would be, “75% of women aged 20-30 are cheaters.” or 51%. or whatever. something that actually tells you something useful.

is he cheating on you – 829 telltale signs. by the same author. i am not makign this up.

so basically you can get paranoid because EVERYTHING is a sign they are cheating. theyre too nice to you. theyre not nice enough.  but yeah most/all of those red flags were valid.

http://www.beliefnet.com/section/quiz/index.asp?sectionID=203&surveyID=441

hehe some quoted items from that

Q16. When you ask for a time out or don’t want to talk about something anymore, does the person keep badgering you to engage?

i was the badgerer. but she didnt want to talk about it AT ALL and was AVOIDING talking about it EVER!!!!!!

Q24. When you try to talk with the person about something that’s bothering you, do you end up feeling like the trouble is your fault?

absolteluy hahahaha.

Q23. Are you emotionally devastated when the person is upset with you or doesn’t want to be in relationship with you?

exremely hahaha

Q9. When you share your thoughts and feelings about something important to you, does the person ignore, make fun of, or dismiss you?

ignore and dismiss

Q15. Does the person pout or withdraw from you for extended periods of time when he/she is angry or upset with you?

super duper extremely extended periods of time!!!!!!!

Q27. Do you feel loved and cared for in the relationship?

at the end, nope not at all!!!!!!

so verdict is it was minorly toxic
Q29. Does the person show interest in you and your needs?

near the end, absolutely not.

Q30. Are you able to express your honest thoughts and feelings with the person?

they refuse to meet for a bigboy conversation

Q31. When the person does something wrong, does he/she admit it and take responsibility for it?

oh lord i wish she did. hahaah

http://www.beliefnet.com/section/quiz/results.asp?sectionID=203

You scored 19, on a scale of 0 to 62. Here’s how to interpret your score:

11 – 25
In some ways your relationship is unhealthy and destructive. All healthy relationships require mutual caring, mutual honesty and mutual respect to flourish. Your relationship lacks some or all of these elements. Whether you are the victim or perpetrator, changing this pattern begins with you. Ask yourself what is your part? For example if you’re a repeated victim, why have you allowed yourself to be treated in this way? Get some support to make changes. It’s too hard to do it alone.

NOICE!

and when i tried to assert myself by saying hey here is the deal, she responded by cutting me off entirely. so. i guess that explains that!

2016-01-24_17h48_35

ok so the red line is 1560 calories. the NCC is so low because of muh exercise and burning off 800-900 calories each time. that 2220 was my Pizza Cheat Day with Eating At Night. today is jan 24 and you can see i am a little over.

i like to take one week at a time, and say, could you Lop Off the Excess on like 1/22, and distribute it to the other days of the week, and still have everything be under the red line? you should be able to eyeball it and still make a confident decision, like in this case, YES, the overages would be able to safely fit under the redline if dist to the other days. indeed, the ridic day of 1/23 being so far under, would be enough to cancel out ALL overages for the WEEK.

over the course of a month it looks like:

2016-01-24_18h03_11

so, you can see that those spikes can easily “collapse into” the valleys and the whole damn thing will be under the redline of Losing 1 lb per week.

oh sorry the red line is 1570 not 1560. i LIED.

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationships/forgiveness-won%E2%80%99t-fix-your-toxic-relationship

oh i cant listen to this, because its RELIGIOUS.

hmmm karamel sutra ice cream has a lot more calories than blue moon ice cream yikes.

lemme just quote this which was the category above mine from the beliefnet article:

“26 – 62
You are definitely in a destructive relationship and likely in an abusive one as well. Destructive relationships contain some or all of these five elements: 1. Physical, emotional, verbal or sexual abuse. 2. One person is regularly overprotective, overbearing and controlling toward the other. 3. One person is overdependent upon the other to affirm his or her personal value and worth, to meet most of his or her needs, and to make most of his or her decisions. 4. One person demonstrates a pattern of deceiving the other through lying, hiding, pretending, misleading, or twisting information to make something appear other than what it is. 5. One person exhibits chronic indifference, neglect, or both toward the thoughts, feelings, or well-being of the other. Start taking steps to identify your patterns in this relationship in order to invite mutual change or step back from the relationship so that you can heal. You cannot make a relationship work all by yourself. You can make it better, but you can’t fix this alone

anyway i felt like i was making all of the effort. doing all the work. doing all the giving. all the lifting. pretty sure that means that you arent the one ruining the rel.

anyway re the religious relevantmagazine.com thing: i didnt see it as a matter of me forgiving her, rather i was begging forgiveness from her for the horrible crime i had done against her: getting feelings, betraying her, being PUSHY and overbearing and annoying and weird and wanting her to talk and hang out when she didnt want to talk or hang out.  so i assumed the role of Abuser and Bad Guy Wanting Forgiveness right away.

https://checkup.gottman.com/clinician/questionnaire/preview

the gottman relationship checkup which you, your Partner, and your Therapist all do online

http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/quizzes

http://www.loveisrespect.org/for-someone-else/is-my-relationship-healthy-quiz/#top_of_results

YOUR SCORE: 18 from the above site

SCORE 5 pts+
If you scored 5 points or more, you are definitely seeing warning signs and may be in an abusive relationship. Remember the most important thing is your safety — consider making a safety plan. You don’t have to deal with this alone. Loveisrespect.org can help. Chat with us to learn about your different options.

hehehehehe

Your score is 72 out of 75, suggesting that you feel a lot of compassionate love for your partner.
Your partner is lucky: You are very supportive of him or her and respond compassionately when he or she is in distress. You also seem to make a strong effort to see the world from his or her point of view. You care about enriching your partner’s life and are willing to make sacrifices so that he or she can be happy. These are skills that help you support your partner and negotiate conflicts, which should lead to a stronger, healthier, and longer-lasting relationship.

from the compassionate love quiz:

http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/quizzes/take_quiz/9

http://psychcentral.com/quizzes/relationship_quiz.htm

that one said i had a good relationship hahaha, totally normal and average.

i was taking the quizzes pretending like we were actually in a relationship. which kind of we were. but i guess a platonic friendship just isnt BUILT to offer the Security and Intimacy and Trust which an Intimate Relationship does, so, incorrect expectations on my part. i wanted more than she could give: luv, security, loyalty, support, openness, being able to hang out once every 2 or 3 months hahahaha.

JUST TELL ME ITS UNDER 5 / NONSLUTS SHOULD SIGNAL THEIR NONSLUTTINESS AS MUCH AS SLUTS SIGNAL THEIR SLUTTINESS

1222

shit hhehehehe.

yeah great idea for schooling. with my skool, you wouldnt even need homeschool. i would have long talks with homeschoolers and be like nope nothing to worry about here, you can trust your kids with me, basically im just gonna give them of 4-5 years of JOB TRAINING, in at LEAST 32 different ACTUAL JOBS, AND give them actual working experience in some of those jobs over the summers.

then by the time they graduate high school, they will be skilled workers making at least 15dah and be able to be productive independent adults.

of course you didnt need a RADICAL NEW high school to be able to do this 40 “short” years ago! you just went to normal high school, then Got A Job like everybody else! didnt have to think about it! didnt have to outcompete 10 other interviewers for a 12dahj! (in 1975 dollars, purchasing power, adjusted for inflation etc)

they say yeah motherfooker at age 18 i was only making 2 dollars an hour in 1975. but 2 dollars in 1975 is like 15 dollars in 2015 hahahaah. citation needed.

you didnt need to spend 10 grand to learn how to become a Machinist. you just got an Junior Machinist job at age 18 and then in a few years became a Senior Machinist. and then in a few more years became machinist manager and then sit around and get drunk all day at work hahahahahahaha because you didnt have degenerate internet pron to look at in 1980. and shit was going well so you didnt care about degeneracy. you bitched abotu your wife but at least you had a wife and she wasnt a land whale and she didnt betray you! the worst she did was nag you. you still got secs and luv and LOYALTY.

anyway my concern now is having SAFEGUARDS so i dont go from 0 to 100 ever again.

but was it really 0 to 100?

i dont think so. it was at least 50 to 100.

maybe 60 to 100!

and the best SAFEGUARD against that would be what i already decided: BLURT IT OUT ASAP.

that would have released some pressure, and took me back dwn to 0.

i wasnt LYING, but i was kinda hiding a secret that i didnt really WANT to keep a secret, but i was just too scared to talk. and that tension kept rising and boiling. it didnt go 0 to 100 in one day but over 10 months. 300 days.  .33% per day hahahaha.

doesnt the power that be WANT us gainfully employed, because they can get more taxes out of us? and we will be more docile and controllable? because too many weird losers like me, they dont make taxes from, plus enough people like me, there will be RIOTS!

well are shiftless jobless blacks really rioting every day? hahahahaha well they are rioting every week, and killing each other every day. but thats not enough to scare the powers that be because…….tptb still get paid, still get votes, etc. i dont fookin know. you think i know how the world really works? i cant even take care of myself so of course i beleive in ridiculous conspiracy theories!!!!!!!

heh yep MW is having jared taylor on his hangout tonight, we called it hahahaha. this is real interesting that he is debuting all these BIG people right NOW rather than during his “regular season” of conversation videos. it really is gonna boost MW to the next tier and i am happy for him.

i am glad to see good things happen to good people. for a fellow Late Bloomer to become a Winner. i think he’s been planning this to be something big. he never intended it to be Just 7 Hangouts. Even if he had just done that it would have been great. but i think he was planning 7 Daily Hangouts, with a number of Big Surprise Guests.

so this is pretty fun. i am not a jared taylor fanatic but he is a big guy and a decent guy. he’s just not my own personal favorite. so i am trying to predict who else he could have on. I am officially predicting: Aurini, because MW is a fan of him or used to be, and hes never been on before.

maybe another person from TRS. 7th son was already on, so maybe something more in depth with 7th son or mike enoch.

it would not be unreasonable for ramzpaul to get on there either.

maybe david fookin duke hahahaha.

so yeah i didnt go from 0 to 100. when she started gving me the silent treatment i went from 90 to 100. and completely snapped. and that was the end of my life as i know it hahaha.

so……the question becomes

  1. how do i stop from going from 90 to 100? BLURT IT OUT before it gets to damn 50.
  2. what do i do to safeguard against silent treatment? use the following quote: “I feel upset when you stop talking to me and avoiding me. I feel very hurt by this. I will not tolerate this boundary to be crossed repeatedly. Let’s talk about this issue and get it resolved within 72 hours.  Write me an email if you don’t want to talk.”

yeah i never had someone SO CLOSE to me give the silent treatment. well, someone that i FELT close to. i had one other person give me big silent treatment, acollege roomate, BUT, at the time that began, i didnt really like him, i wasnt FRIENDS with him, i didnt feel close to him, i didnt WANT to be friends with him.

i NEVER had someone who was my friend, who i wanted to be friends with, pull such a silent treatment on me. i was totally unprepared.

it didnt help that i was already at 90. but i think SHE was at 90 too. and when she got to 100 she pulled silent treatment. and that pushed ME to 100 and i just totally broke down at life.

so tldr; you will have safeguards in place next time, becuase you wont BE at 90 when she does silent treament, you’ll be closer to 0, and indeed if i had just written an email, then what else would i have had to say to her?

also instead of tyring to get her to talk, i should have said “i cant take this any more. we have to talk now becuase this is FOOKED.” cuz i was being nice to her and trying to have small talk with her like nothing was happening, and apologizing like a beta for being weird. oh god the cringe hahahaha.

https      ://forum.therightstuff.biz/topic/4272/beta-thread

3DRR2we

 

like this terrible beta who apologizes and THEN adds a spergy second tweets signaling to the bitchy girl that he had sat in the corner and thought about what he had done, and had Learned A Lesson on why what he did was So Wrong. Maybe he can spergily flog himself like napoleon dynamite GOD SO STUPID!!!! every time he apologizes for giving unsolicited advice.  but i can TOTALLY see how a guy gets this way. you think people ever are constantly apologizing to guys? and also, when guys get unsolicited advice, the person is usually being a huge dick to them, trying to belittle them.

well i guess the girl is mad because he is a THIRSTY BETA, BEGGING for pvssy. and she is butthurt all these THIRSTY guys are BEGGING for pvssy all the time, trying to be NICE to her.

well i say dont be such a huge BITCH about it, if you HALF as THIRSTY as this guy, youd be twice as CRAY as you are now!

also he’s not begging for PVSSY per se, he’s just merely begging for some kind of attention and friendliness from women. hes the type of supreme gentleman who doesnt even think about Pvssy until he’s in LUV with the bitch hahahaha.

anyway him apologizing, then publicly signaling the reason why what he did was so wrong, is both Omega AND Sperg/Autist.

and i was falling into that quicksand, constantly apologizing to her for BEING WEIRD.  and then saying shit like oh i know this is weird for you and i am sorry for encroaching on your personal space and pushing you and not respecting your feelings.

i should have never let it get so far. i was already past 50 at that point, worn down into a weakass omega.

i should have said hey we need to talk about something important, i am being weird because i dont like being blown off and avoided all the time, we need to talk now, this ends now.

and that wuld have fixed everything hahahaha.

well it would have taken me back to 0 and maybe i would have reacted better if she pulled silent treatment on me at that point. and then i would have to take a asimilar approach there: i dont like this silent treatment, we need to talk. done.

so yeah it makes perfect sense in hindsight. she treated me with such contempt because i was a huge OMEGA apologizing all the time. i knew it was a bad situation at the time, but….i was emotionally compromised! i was in a bad state!

also, not all women HAVE to be so mean to omegas!

and she could have hung out wiht me once in TEN MONTHS rather than CONSTANTLY BLOWING ME OFF AND AVOIDING ME.

oh i brought that on myself because i was OMEGA.

fook that she has some responsibility too. she could have hung out with me ONCE. she responded to my texts after all. she gave me MIXED SIGNALS! i thought she was open to talking!

whenever she responded to my texts, which she regularly did, it gave me HOPE that we WOULD hang out someday! we used to hang out! no problem! usually it was real easy! never more than 2 weeks passed between the first suggestion and the actual hangout! sometimes SHE even initiated the hangout!

i just think ill never get that close to a woman of such high quality again.

yeah a white trash mudshark with huge family issues. but she wasnt a slut, had a low number, and was shy, intoverted, and non slutty, and under 25, so she was therefore My Perfect Ideal Women, instant pedestal.

hahahahaha

i get it that women are as disgusted by betas/omegas as men are by sluts. but even i would treat a slut nicely even if i didnt respect them at all. i would appreciate if i were breaking a sluts heart when she had done nothing wrong to me.

oh but i did her wrong, by BEING omega TO her. this is equivalent to a slutty gurl ACTUALLY CUCKING the guy shes dating.

no i dont think so. orders of magnitude different.

in one you are playing fast and loose with A HUMAN LIFE, ie your bodys ability to create human life.

in another, you are just being a pathetic desperate begging omega. you only hurt yourself and offend the stupid bitch youre dealing with, who rolls her eyes at how pathetic youre being. no third party innocent lives ever enter the picture.

were there more male nurses and male secretaries and male medical assistants when Women Didnt Work? probably but they jsut called them assistants or apprentices and the job itself was viewed as more masculine and certainly didnt require more than a high school education.

like, did men do all the jobs that women NOW do? i mean i understand that HR and Women Makework jobs didnt exist, but you still needed Nurses and Secretaries.

well i mean come on. didnt they have a lot more male TEACHERS back in the day?

but yeah i hate that i was reduced to a begging supplicating omega for her. and that wasnt her fault per se. sure she could have just hung out with me or just talked to me or just stopped avoiding someone she used to be friends with. she could have reacted better but i could have reacted better too, like an alpha male who doesnt take shit.

still, me acting like an omega is like -1 pain on her, and her ABortioning me was a -20 of pain against me.

well i applied for the damn post office job. it only took like an hour of typing in bullshit hahahahaha. looking up your selective service number, thankfully they only wanted 7 years of employment history hahahaha and not all years. so i only had to put 2 jobs!

what was i gonna say. yeah i can see how being an omega is so offensive to women, because heres a weak man that wont protect me and muh chirren, but……they still pick deadbeat thugs anyway, tough “protectors” that abandon their children. and have secs with anyone. its sucks for a man to be omega but i dont think its as much of a shameful crime as being a slut. being a slut is simply more destructive, and to more people.

also i would still treat sluts as people unless they cucked me directly. this woman cant even write me an EMAIL.

1223

hehehe sinead mccarthy talking about mgtow

i should listen to the vidya and not just read the comments but there are good points in the comments.

i mean it cuts to the core of my self, as i used to be a huge mgtow but now i am moving over towards the racial stuff in my older age. and a lot of my mgtow stuff came from the fact that i was/am bitter, over failure and disappointment with women. which leads to blaming of the self and an inferiority complex (“im just not good enough to get a decent woman”) with some woman blaming as well (“50%-75% of modern women are promiscuous stupid crazy bipolar sociopath narcissist psychopath slut  high number 30+ guys babykilling coalburner mudshark single mom betrayer parasite hypergamous hamster sellout evil stupid crazy soulless monsters degenerates”)

dont get me wrong, i blame myself for being a weak loser omega as much as i blame women for being degenerate monsters hahahaha.

ie, i am such a weak man the only women i can pull are degenerate monsters, who in turn Reinforce my negative thoughts about women, and probably my self.

i guess the fact that i had a successful friendship with her for 2 years counts for something. well of COURSE it does. it means i CAN connect with a WOMAN on a meaningful level for a long term period. that is huge. it means there is hope for me yet. that i am not some total wizard autist who cannot talk to women at all.

also it is important for me to understand that i didnt deserve that kind of treatment. i was not perfect at all, i could have been more…..alpha and strong and manly and courageous and brave and bold and MASCULINE. but i wasnt abusing her, in fact i had relinquished all my power to her, and she understandably found that weird and uncomfortable, but in my defense i didnt know what i was doing, i was kinda acting out of fear, fight or flight, and sliding down a slippery slope, and my idea of “fighting” was just frantic flailing like a drowning man, total desperate grasping and flailing because i couldnt fathom the thought of Losing Her.

on the other hand, when you have to reject a person who obviously has feelings for you……..FOOKING DO IT NICELY PLEASE. dont SHAME them while you reject them. if you had the worlds worst abusive relationship for years, ok maybe, and maybe she was so annoyed that she felt i made her life a living hell.

well there is a world of difference between being ANNOYING and being ABUSED.

and also being ANNOYED and having your heart totally broken.

maybe i should make sinead my waifu hahahahaha who cares about the flat earth, she is pro white and attractive and is pro-white-children and probably recognizes that monogamy is best.

did she bang the black guy we see in the pictures? is she obligated to tell us? is it any of our business?

well……i dunno how obligated anyone is to do anything, but SINCE she is a pro-white activist, it would be a good bona fide for her to directly address the COAL BURNING rumors.

heck even if she just banged one black guy 50% of pro whites could probably get over it. i mean ive made mistakes too. were all human hahahahaha. we just want to know she isnt a liar, and that it isnt a long term pattern.

shit i mean the woman of muh dreams who i threw my llife away over banged a black guy. i should be calling her coal burner mud shark bla bla bla. but i honestly dont care because it was just one guy, and she hasnt BEEN with a lot of guys, under 5, and she probably will not go Back to Blacks after this one mistake.

yes i think its a good bona fide for a woman not necessarily to State Their Number, but if they’ve been with less than 5 guys, to be proud of and signal their non sluttiness. you dont need to tell me your number, but if you say its less than 5, shit i would be happy with that!!!!!!!!! all need to know. less than 5, shit. just glad its not over 30 hahahahaha.

nonsluts should be signaling their nonsluttiness as much as sluts are signaling their sluttiness.

say you have to call your car insurance company to see if they cover a “hit and run”of somebody hitting your car in a parking lot then driving off. and you cant understand your complicated policy, or cant find a copy of it. WHO YA GONNA CALL for answers, advice, and help? you call the fooking insurance company  OF COURSE. its their JOB to service your damn insurance policy, and therefore to understand it and know about it, right? you want to CALL them and TALK to someone who UNDERSTANDS better than you do. someone who gives you confidence that they know what they’re doing, know what they’re talking about, can make sense of your policy.

and theres the rub. the poor schmuck youre calling is a Fookin New Guy who makes no more than 15 DAH at absolute maximum, and he understands your policy even LESS than you do.

uhhhhh well reading the language in this policy makes me think….leads me to believe…..i THINK what its saying is bla bla bla….. yeah it kinda looks like it might cover this…… uhhhhhhhhhhhhh good question let me ask my level 2 insurance agent that question, i’ll be back in 5-10 minutes…….yes i told him that…..well what he said was, and maybe this makes more sense to you than it does to me hahahahaha…….nope you cant talk to him directly, he’s helping 20 other level 1 agents just like me……how do i know HE knows what hes talking about? jeez i dunno. i dont know what im talking about so thats why i went to him…….nope you cant talk to him, as i say, hes slammed with 20 questions right now. but he said your policy doesnt cover this, so sorry, youre gonna have to go ahead and pay $2000 to fix your own car. nope nothing we can do. nope you cant talk to a level 2. welp you can try to call back and hope you get a better level 1 than me, im just a fookin new guy who doesnt really understand shit sorry. nope you cant speak to my manager, but i will tell them you complained about me and our whole department. i promise i will pass that along.

its cringeworthy, and how do you think it feels to be the level 1 employee in that situaiton? GOD FOOKING AWFUL, I CAN ASSURE YOU. because you WANT to HELP, you want to do your JOB, you want to make people HAPPY, you dont want people getting mad at you because the insurance company is not gonna cover shit, OOPS GOTCHA you got the wrong insurance policy, HAHA GOTCHA! because its a hit and run and the other driver didnt give you his insurance info, nothing we can do, HAHA GOTCHA! although I could never say haha gotcha. i was like damn that sucks i cant believe my company is screwing you like this, but theirs nothing i can do and no one i can transfer you to.

that is why i am VERY hesitant about seeking jobs where dealing with Complex, Complicated, Confusing issues from Customers is a main part of the job.

yep in my 12dah opinion, this is what your insurance policy is saying. i guess maybe you could hire a lawyer for 300 dah to give you a more authoritative explanation? sorry were just the insurance company youre paying for your insurance policy, we dont really know about the policy.

being put regularly in situations where you dont know what you’re doing; you dont feel prepared or trained for this; YOU DONT KNOW WHAT TO TELL THEM. “what should I TELL them”?????

yeah i hate that because i dont like feeling like an idiot. “well ok maybe youre not an idiot outside of work….but at work….youre kind of an idiot. you dont know how to DO YOUR JOB.”

fook you phaggot.

simple, straightforward, yes or no customer questions are fine though. they are WELCOME!

but explain why this piece of shit is “WORKING AS INTENDED”? fook that. no i cant explain. because its not cost effective to fix it. ITS NOT A BUG, ITS A FEATURE. ITS WORKING AS INTENDED. yeah but its a piece of shit and clearly the intention SUCKS. fix the INTENTION. nope sorry too expensive cant do it. hhahahaha. so you learn to bullshit them with yep ill make an official suggestion and forward that to product development team, probably wll take at least 2 months to build it in tho, so sorry, im sorryabout that.

and then of course just close the case because We Dont Take Suggestions For Features hahahaha.

i am very ethical. i honestly want to help the customers and to make sure the company is doing the right thing for the customers. in my previous job i didnt really get very many scammers. and the shit was so CONFUSING you couldnt TELL whether somebody was trying to scam or not.

this confusion of not knowing what youre doing for 10 hours a day does not build your confidence. it eats away at your confidence.

so yeah i dont want to even apply for Customer Service for Insurance COmpanies, are you KIDDING?

its the insurance companies JOB to DENY CLAIMS. NOPE SORRY! GOTCHA! cant really explain why but thats what my superior, who you cant talk to, said! my best understanding of his explanation is bla bla bla…..yes i explained what you said, to him…..but you dont trust me because i am clearly not good at explaining or understanding things. ok. let me read you exactly what i typed to him. ok lets you and me craft the perfect sentence, and i will read it back to you word for word, well wait 5 minutes for a response, and i will read back what he said word for word, and together we will try to decipher it, using this indecipherable insurance policy as our guide. this is what your insurance company pays me 13DAH for hahahaha

when really they should be paying 20 DAH for how ridic that job is, but then your insurance would cost even more. and the agent wouldnt necessarily know more, they would just be better compensated for facing the firing squad all day erry day.

an angry customer just wanting an explanation and you are not able to give it to them because YOU dont understand. so you literally have to force yourself to understand as quickly as possible, then explain THAT convincingly as to why you can’t help the customer in this situation.

but muh baby is dying of cancer, what do you mean you cant pay for any of his treatment?

well uhhhh it kinda looks like you went to this one doctors appointment 3 days after the cutoff period, so uhhhh technically the cancer is then a preexisting condition. i think. the policy is confusing innit hahahah so sorry about your kid/mother dying, nothing we can do hahahahahaha

yeah that kind of shit i cant handle. i would go back to stupid technical support before i went into INSURANCE. there you are saying no to people even more. i dunno its hard for me to say no especially when its impossible to understand the companys policies.

when i was young and rebellious i made bad choices. i attached my rebellion to degenerate and nihilistic things: alcohol, MJ, pornography, unfocused hatred and anger against the normies, self pity, feeling like a victim, atheism, anti-religion, leftism, marxism, sjw, and still i didnt really like women!

but it would have been nice to attach to a positive movement like pro white or reaction or far right hahahaha back when i was an EDGY teen hahaha.

well i was nihilistic and degenerate until like age 27 anyway. it took me TOO long to realize how risky mgtow was, it played on all my insecurities with wimminz.

of course wimminz were always a huge issue for me, always on my mind. but i mean reactionaries have a more positive view of women than mgtows do. and the fact is, i NEED women. i dont want to live WITHOUT women. i will ALWAYS WANT women, or be into the idea of a Special Woman to be Wife and mother of children, inparticular.

and even when i have NO women in my life and am essentially living a mgtow life…..im still thinking about women ALL THE TIME.

anyway. note to women. when you have to reject a guy who likes you…….do it nicely. even if he ANNOYS you. is he being blatantly mean to you? or just a big weak coward omega?

just very ridiculous that one of the most important women in my life could just….do something so monstrous. its dissonant. incongruent. its not right that she should be remembered in this way. a decent person who did a horrible hurtful thing.

well its not as bad as CHEATING right? no probably not. and dont plenty of people cheat, and break the heart of their lover, who thought they were a great person? such a decent person! I cant beleive they cheated on me!

what if i met an asian gurl who loved me and was very nice; AND i met a white gurl who had tons of baggage, high number, crazy, but she loved me and was willing to have children with me. both women love me and want to have children with me. one is an asian gurl with very few red flags, and the other is a white gurl with a decent number of red flags. which one do you choose? i would WANT to choose the white gurl becuase i prefer white gurls and i want white children.

ideally you say you choose neither, you find a better white woman.

but what if youre getting old and you severely doubt you’ll find a better white woman, and this is the best white woman you can get?

well i would say, if you’re 50 years old and havent had a child yet, go ahead and knock up the trashy crazy white woman. this is assuming she actually loves you and would be loyal to you. which i guess is a tall order in itself!

basically i worry i wont find a better quality white woman than this one. and i guess on paper, tehnically, That Woman was a step down in quality from the previous woman, who had been with EVEN LESS guys, and had a better family life, good relationship with father, normie as hell, mature communicator.

when i first met That Woman, possibly a part of why i didnt immed fall in luv with her, was because i felt she was a STEP DOWN from the previous woman.

hehehe but eventually i fell in luv with her anyway. cuz she didnt fail the absolutely worst dealbreakers: being a huge slut, or being blatantly insane crazy. plus she was nice as hell to me! that certainly helped win me over. its nice when women are nice to and WANT to HANG OUT with you. then it SUCKS when they start avoiding you and ignoring you hahahaha.

it was the porno for so many years, combined with the lack of contact with women for so many years. i didnt realize how degenerate porno was. i was happy to rebel against religion! but i couldnt see that porno was still degenrate and immoral regardless of religion. also i couldnt possibly view religion as a possibly good thing. i was an edgy atheist.

like i say, i think this edgy atheist nihilism degeneracy might be characteristic of OLDER millennials, while the YOUNGER millennials are actually on a good righteous moral Fashy Path. they are Getting it. they are seeing the example of slightly older failures like me and learning from them. good for the young kids, bad for the old failure virgin neets like us hahahahaha.

i was never dumped/rejected because i did something horribly wrong, like couldnt stop cheating, couldnt stop drinking, because i hurt the person who loved me too much. i was always dumped because they lost interest in me, didnt HAVE interest in me, beause i was too weak, too beta, too needy, too inferior. this definitely sets you up for an inferiority complex!

so then you think eveyrthing you do is needy. you think you are always needy or weak even if youre really not.

for example texting someone 100 times a day is need. texting them less than 5 times a day, probably not. especially if you are taking days off of texting altogether.

wanting to hang out with somebody every day is needy. wanting to hang out with somebody once every few weeks is NOT needy.

also, plain old FEELINGS can be misinterpreted as NEEDINESS by the other person, ESPECIALLY if they dont share the feelings.

well, i PROMISE you, that when THEY had feelings like YOU do, for whoever, that THEY were JUST AS “needy”.

remind them to put the shoe on the other foot. walk a mile in your shoes. really truly actually literally empathize. tell them that. tell them, well, when YOU really liked somebody, how did YOU act? before you accuse me, take a look at yourself, you fookin hypocrite hahahahahahaha.

and then MW had RamZPaul come on RIGHT AFTER jared taylor. hehehe this is almost too much. he could have gotten a full day out of ramzpaul. shit i hope ramz comes back! ramz is really good but his videos are too SHORT and too silly! but i think he is gradually becoming more serious. and its always good to have a LONGER discussion with him. so yeah ramz is getting there.

also jared taylor for only 45 minutes hahahaha. is this REALLY IMPOSING on him SO much hahahaha. is he doing MW such a BIG favor? i mean he is a natural. he clearly LIKES talking to people. and taylor speaking eloquently probably comes EASY to him. this is what he’s GOOD at. its not like me going to my stupid job for 11 hours a day, where it took every ounce of life out of me.

its not needy or controlling or abusive to want the person to not date other people! ask them, look, listen, come on, when YOU really liked someone, did YOU want them fooking other people? HELL NO!!!!!!!

my problem was, ALWAYS was, i got too strong feelings too soon. like if i were making out or having secs with a cute young girl, i would start to get feelings hahahaha.

also i think its NORMAL AND NATURAL to start getting feelings once you start getting physical with a cute young woman!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

or even if you dont get physical with them, if you are in proximity with them for a while and start becoming friendly with them. like what happened with Previous Woman. though i still got feelings for her too quick. i had feelings for her before i even first officially hung out with her.

but with That Woman, i hung out with her and actually became friends with her before getting feelings. and this was totally new to me.

so, it was kewl i didnt get feelings for her TOO FAST…..although i still kinda did. when it finally happened, it was 0 to 100. and then i couldnt put the genie back in the bottle.

the real lesson to learn is, how to MATCH/MIRROR your feelings with that the woman has for YOU. in other words, i shouldnt have gotten feelings because she clearly didnt have any for me.

well, at the time, i wasnt so sure on that! there was a time when she was SO nice to me, that i couldnt help but think she might have feelings for me! oh those were the days hahahaha

yep that was a long time ago. once i started getting WEIRD, she stopped being so NICE.

which caused me to be WEIRDER, which caused her to be less and less NICE. when finally she dumped me with no niceness whatsoever.

not really what i needed at this point in my life. what i REALLY needed was to have a nice GF and actually go out with a nice gurl longterm and monog for damn once finally! and i thought i found a great person for that.

but instead it ended in a very bad way. what is the LORD trying to teach me here. is he trying to show me whos the boss? bbbbbut i swear i wanted to have a loving christian one man one woman procreative traditional rel with her! wife her up and make some babies! no joke! i have been a degenerate in the past but why would G-d STILL be PUNISHING me for that? is that just the kind of g-d he is?

this is a holdover from my edgy youth, when i thought of the “scumbag god” who wants to deprive you from all your earthly PLEASURE. which then I supported hedonism and degeneracy and now i understand that god is RIGHT to reject that shit. now my mind is in a much more godly place, i want nondegenerate, traditional, man wife children rels with women, and still failing.

WELL. to be fair. even when i was a degenerate, i had nondegenerate feelings towards the women. i wanted to have more or less traditional, monog, loving, loyal rels with them, even when i was a degen 21 year old. i still wanted to Go Out with them. it wasnt all about degen fooking. it was about having a serious rel.

so yeah in other words i had something good and nondegen and righteous in me right from the beginning.

shit as soon as i became interested in gurls at age 12, i was a huge White Knight, wanted to have a Loving Loyal Rel with a Decent Woman. a real Partnership. With Mutual Luv. no controlling or manipulation. just 2 people luving each other and staying together for a long time.

it might be disney white knight stuff, BUT i also think its good and traditional and nondegen. and i had it from Pre Puberty. so thats a GOOD thing is what im saying, for me not being a degen or nihilist at heart.

anyway. yeah i could have told her sooner. but she could have been nicer to me.

i know women hate omegas and weakness……but she still could have been nicer to me.

i could have acted better…..but just because i messed up didnt mean i deserved to be treated THAT badly.

i made a mistake, but it was not such a hurtful mistake that i deserved to be punished like THAT.

I would never do that to somebody if the roles were reversed.

and i will never understand why she couldnt. even with the  Occams Answers of: Easy Way Out, bad father, chaotic family life, trust issues, possible mother issues.

maybe if i had all those i would do this to somebody hahahaha.

and so i just have to accept that this is it. this is all the closure im gonna get.

shit. if i could ask her WHY? WHYD YOU DO THIS TO ME? even she probably wouldnt be able to answer. she doesnt even know why she did this. again, a combination of the occam answers is most liekly.

or, she would give a bitchy answer like YOU MADE ME DO THIS. which i dont think is right, and which i DEFINITELY dont need to hear.

i really want to know the Dynamic of her major boifran. when i first met her she was very hush hush about him. but she wasnt hush hush about other things. so why him. well because things were on the outs probably. by the time i met her, 1.25 years later, they were done, and i think that last year was just all pretty bad. ok fine. so how was it in the first half? i think he was probably still really stubborn but he also drank a lot hahaha. then he stopped drinking. he probably had his own badboi issues right from the very beginning. but he was not a cheater. well i dont know though. i dont think he was. i met him and he was a good guy, just very stubborn and not a great fit for her, and she def loved him more. honestly i think he was just a full AUTIST and didnt know how to relship hahahaha. thats all. he was a stubborn autist. but a decent guy. but not a great guy for her. he didnt luv her enough. i luved her more than he did hahahaha. but he was such a stubborn autist he prob got comfortable in the rel and had no desire to go out and cheat. he was prob ok just getting drunk and having her being nice and loving to him and doing all the work hahahaha. i cant overstate, how nice it is when women turn on that nice womanly charm and are all nice and warm and loving and supportive to you. i dont get it very often hahahaha. but its VERY nice to get. very addictive.

say i met a nice white gurl like sinead mccarthy hahahaha. but she has big red flags too. flat earth? her troubled youth which i dont know too much about but that it was kinda troubled? i should just listen to that damn interview where she talks about it. perhaps a psych ward, perhaps oppositional defiant disorder. point is, she could be certifiably crazy. and youre not supposed to TRUST crazy.

but were all crazy in a way arent we?

yeah but women are more likely than men to go to shrinks and get diagnosed. usually as BIPOLAR. the even more crazy ones graduate to BORDERLINE.

but shrinks are bullshit right? meds are bullshit.

nonetheless i still think a “bullshit” diagnosis of BIPOLAR and especially BORDERLINE is a red flag.

if that woman went to a shrink, what would they diagnose her as?

basically im saying, couldnt JUST ABOUT EVERY WOMAN get diagnosed as bipolar at least, IF they went to a shrink?

anyway. the job frustration always boils down to, youve gotta give somebody bad news aka you cant help them, you cant do anything for them, because…..some stupid reason that doesnt make sense which you cant even explain to them because it doesnt make sense to you.

there are no articles on the internet on how to deal with this.

what i would do is go home after a long day and then STUDY the shit i didnt understand, until i sorta understood it better. because noone was gonna understand it FOR me.

https     ://forum.therightstuff.biz/topic/4376/is-it-possible-to-leave-autism/4

TRS is good people, right up there with millennial woes for me. they are certainly friendly towards each other.

shit 7th son is gonna be on again tonight. good man.

and red ice again AND wife with a purpose too! i do like her. not sure if she is as crazy as my other waifu sinead mccarthy. although sinead might be hotter hahahahaha. wwap has a weird face but she is not ugly ugly and she has FIVE fooking white children whom she homeschools. FIVE kids. some sinead haters seem to think she is a bandwagon jumper. i dunno. i mean sinead is still in a probationary period for me. ive listened to more wwap and wwap might be getting out of probation pretty soon, she seems to check out.  very glad to see her on MW and hope they will have one on one talks in the new year.

but its great seeing MW transform himself, stepping up to the big leagues before our very eyes. to go from being a 30 year old neet to being a man who is finally getting the respect, recognition, and luv he deserves.

like us he used to be kind of a loser but he overcame. and we are witnessing his big rise to glory right now. it is amazing. he deserves it. i just hope he makes the hangouts more regular, and has these guests on again. TRS, WWAP, greg johnson, it is just glorious. i am thankful.

http://www.seemypersonality.com/Personality-Report?x=sPIx4x4949511-4120689xs4hj2x4

http://www.seemypersonality.com/Personality-Report?x=MAQx4x4949511-316468xs4hj2x1

hehehehe my personality and relationship reports

i should try to eat less than 1700 calories a day

shit as we speak MW is doing the Female Edition with WWAP and lana from red ice ie henriks wife.  not bad. someone in the chat said they had invited sinead aka shiksa goddess but she either said no or didnt respond hahahaha.

good god, now ROOSH is in the chat room, this is just ridiculous hahaha. this is the biggest thing i have ever been a part of hahahaha.

anyway the other epiphany i had today was:

IF SHE HAS SECS VERY EASILY, SHE WILL DUMP YOUR ASS AND BREAK YOUR HEART VERY EASILY. She will treat hearts with no more care than c0x. and both should be treated very carefully.

But yeah if she thinks nothing of taking cox, you think she’s gonna care about breaking your heart? so dont fall in luv with sluts. easier said than done though, cuz its POWERFUL when qt young girls show enough interest in you to have secs with you……….and then the interest is gone, becuase they show this interest to EVERY guy, briefly.

so i was glad to find a woman that wasnt Like That.

IF U CAN DEAL W A WOMAN, U CAN DEAL W THE TOUGHEST CUSTOMERS

1218

yeah shit is stupid hahaha. 123, 157 days. 140 median hahahaha. i have definitely made SOME progress. “fear” i am becoming generally woman hating, yes all women are like that, ie, they will just sell you out, leave you in the lurch, dump you, disappoint you. and i dont like womens actual innate female nature: hypergamous parasite opportunists always tyring to climb up, will dump you in an instant to get with a more successful man, leave you in the lurch, sell you out.

and you cant get mad at them for wanting resources and power. they need a mans help because they get pregnant and have to raise keeds. cant hate them for that!!!

well i say they could be NICER when they dump you. they may not like us beta men but they dont have to be so damn hateful and brutal to us! and if they find a man who is good enough for like 5 years and at least 1 kid…..dont dump him for someone marginally better!

i have heard that “old mgtows” from 10+ years ago still tolerate nonmarriage rels with women, on their own terms, ahve not closed the door to women.

but the New Mgtows are more extreme, are into shunning women altogether, and building artificial wombs, etc, because they are inherently opposed to Womens Eternal Nature: the dumping and hypergamy and leeching and destuctiveness to society and family basically.

how can someones human nature be so bad and destructive? so men create, women destroy? this does not sound “complementary” in the way we say men and women complement each other!

and then i thought well yeah because female nature has become completely unleashed, uncontrolled. it needs to be TAMED and kept inside pandoras box, and thats what a strong patriarchal society used to go. channel womens power into something that WAS productive and constructive. but you remove that and they become like crazy schizophrenic mass shooters spraying death everywhere hahahahahaha.

but get them married and children young, and they might turn out all right.

besides, woman2012 treated me all right when she dumped me hahahaha. and she was a traditional minded, conservative gurl with a good father who she was very close with. it matters hahahahah.

SHE was really the perfect woman, hahahaha. she was really TOO GOOD for me!

maybe she viewed ME as a father figure (woman2015 imean, aka that woman.) this actually makes a LOT of sense. i was 5-10 years older, i came across as very chill and wise yet also caring, would listen to her and give moral support to her, and also was not secretly in luv with her. or so she thought hahahaha. so when i did fall in luv with her, it was like your FATHER suddenly falling in luv with you, which would of courshe be weird and scary and betraying. so you just abandon and abort them hahahaha you are totally justified in doing that. no of chourshe youre not. you shouldnt do that to ANYONE. having Daddy Issues or Men Issues or Abuse Issues or Trust Issues will make it more likely for you to do things like this, and kidn of explain it……….but it doesnt make it RIGHT.

muh job was like a football game or some kind of sporting event. now i dont care about sports but just listen. the athletes spend more time PRACTICING and TRAINING than they do out on the field actually playing games. and even with two well trained teams, sometimes teams perform so bad or so well, that there are big winners and big losers who get blown the fook out. BTFO.

at job we would get blown out every day because we were eseentially all game, no practice. so you get destroyed every time you go out there. becuase you dont know what youre doing.

however your opponent isnt playing the same game and rejoicing when they defeat you. here, the “opponent” is you customers/clients/callers, and they WANT you to perform well, but you cant. you are untrained and unprepared and dont know what youre doing.

quite simply you need a lot more training, and more of a gradual ramping up for new people rather than throwing them in the deep end.

but that would involve Intensive Training, Slow Ramping, and Not Throwing a person in the deep end. all these things are very expensive and companies ahve found that they dont really need to do them. because the best, strongest employees will just figure it out.

well what about us weaklings who have a hard time in the deep end, and are thrashing and flailing attempting not to drown? well you figure out how to swim, or you drown. swim or sink.

well i know some women who have abortions feel guilt for years later. so maybe she will feel guilt for YEARS for Aborting Me hahahaha. well the big difference is, im not dead. she has the power to unabort me. unblock me. i made it VERY clear in my creepy wall of text tldr emails, that my door will always be open to her. meanwhile she slammed closed and locked and fortified her door closed against me. also its prob not good that my door ALWAYS remains open to her, but uhhh i was desperate and begging. and im no longer begging but i am desperate hahaha.

i like taking Scenic Drives ie not on the freeway. which is the antithesis of scenic.

heh. i hope she thinks of me and feels guilty whenever she sees the people at job i was friendly with. of course i dont really hang out with them any more. maybe they became friendly with her. i hope not hahahaha.

the fatclub hahahaha. there are some strange people. like the arab guy who always gets right next to me and talks on the phone loudly over the noise of the treadmill despite the sign that blatantly says dont talk on your phone here.

or another arab guy, i think its a different guy, who gets right next to me and makes weird noises and sings along with the arabic music in his headphones, loud enough so everyone around them can hear him.

hahahahaha youd think with the Rising Islamophobia (hahahaha) they would be more cautious. but no they have enough numbers to feel comfortable being annoying obnoxious arabs in public.

maybe it was albanian, i cant tell when they are singing. when they are just speaking, sure. also he looked more like an arab than an albanian.

then there is another arab looking young man who has some sort of Problem, either super autist or just plain Retarted, who makes shrill high pitched squealing noises really loud that sound like a little baby girl. at first i thought it was just an obnoxious child not being managed by their single momz (i dont think children are allowed in the fatclub thank god!), but the other day he got closer to me and i saw it was a young man with Obvious Problems in the Brain. also i think we was squealing “I LOVE U!!!!!” to random strangers. so i retrained myself that whenever he squealed, instead of getting annoyed, i was THANKFUL, and said to myself “THERE BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD GO I” hahahahaha

you HAVE to have thick skin and know how to deal with tough customers and how to swim when you are thrown in the deep end. but these all seem like unsurmountable challenges.

i have great respect and envy for waiters. i see 21 year old boys and girls running back and forth dealing with dickhead customers and i am like no way could i do any of that. i get confused just watching them. how do they do this. these are extremely valuable skills that should get them a better job later. and if i dont have those skills then how the hell am i supposed to get an ok job. i dont even want a good job but just an ok job hahahaha. 12DAH and low stress. its not like im ever gonna get a wife or children hahahaha.

later

just trying to replace a headlight bulb but the owners manual is shitty as fook. the people who built the car wrote a shitty manual. you need goddamn third party consultants to write a better manual.

i said that my job involved writing a manual for the manual so i knew how to do all the stupid procedures in our “manual” that were……..not well described to begin with. but this car manual is even worse.

it doesnt tell you how to remove the clear plastic headlight cover. at. all. looking at vidyas on youtube you discover you need an 11 mm socket wrech to get these little bolts off, AND remove the front bumper to get at a hidden third bolt. none of this is in the manual.

so thank god for youtube right?

but then i find another youtube video that SORT OF shows you know to replace the bulb without removing the bumper.

also i had thought about trying to pry off the cler plastic with a screwdriver. that would have been a bad idea but you dont know that at first! you just encounter resistance and you think, hmm do i just need to pop this off, OR if i really force it, is that going to fook it up and break it. yep its gonna break it.

when it seems the better way is to go in from behind the housing, than to come at it from the front. none of this is in the manual.

so right now im writing the manual for the manual so i ACTUALLY know how to do it. and thats what i found so frustrating about our job. but i guess i should have been thankful to have ANY manual at all! well, its true lots of stuff just was not in the manual at all. like it didnt even ATTEMPT to cover some issues.

anyway i dont like female nature. i dont like what women are. hypergamous parasites and destructive destroyers. degenerate rejectors, sellouts, traitors hahahahaha. day of the rope. you cant respect them, trust them, or like them; but you arent SUPPOSED to respect, trust, or like them. you are SUPPOSED to be powerful and manly enough to attract a woman and earn her loyalty, and also keep her in line. if youre not strong enough to keep a woman in line……..you dont deserve a woman!

so its very rare when i like a woman As A Person. almost never happens. and i liked HER as a person. a likeable woman? talk about rare. so she became extra special to me. to appreciate a woman as a decent person rather than a disgusting secs object that its unfortuante that you have to be attracted to but can never attain?

sure i sound like a woman hater but i dont really hate women they just annoy and disgust me by being sellout whores. and when i become friends with women they see that i am a decent non hateful person. it only really makes me angry and upset and mad and sad when women i like and care for disappoint me or hurt me.

SHE COULD HAVE BEEN NICER. JUST BE NICE. PLEASE DONT ABORT ME. PLEASE BE NICER TO ME.

playing super high stakes holdem now. about twelve times bigger than i would like to hahahaha because its the only table with any players. i got AA and raised preflop and was got no callers. be very lucky to break even on muh buyin here. the minimum buyin is twice the maximum buyin i usually like.

ok just lost mad money i and dont think i played a single hand all the way through.

going to urban dictionary and voting down all sex positive defintions of “slut” and upvoting all the contemptuous definitions meaning that being a slut is UNdesirable hahhahaa

1219

yeah the big problem now is just the feeling of incompetence, like shit i cant DO anything. tell me to do something and i will get confused and stupid and cant figure it out and need too much help.

but this is false. at my job i needed some help but i didnt need TOO MUCH help. those people they laid off within 1 month hahahaha.

if you have to MANSPLAIN to a woman why being a slut is wrong and bad……..she’s never gonna get it. use her for short term secs and nothing more. use the thickest strongest condos you can get even if she begs for it raw dog. not only are these women horribly promiscuous but they are stupid and unsafe and have plenty of raw dog secs!

its like standard fookparty and gay psychos bug chasing who WANT to get “poz loads” and intentionally get AIDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! they turn getting aids into a secsual fetish!!!!!!!! how fooked up can you be?????!!?!?!?!

so women are similarly fooked up by just giving their uterus away, FREQUENTLY, to SHADY men who probably have herpes at LEAST, AND not insisting on condos, so they vastly incrase the risk of getting preggers, and at LEAST getting herpes, etc.  wtf??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!

so yeah if you have to mansplain some so common sense…….bitches be cray, avoid this woman, except for secs, assuming she will let you, the “THIRSTY BETA”, have any hahahaha.

dont hate the thirsty betas! we cant ALL be confident alphas and get secs!

i dunno. maybe pretend to be a SJW so you can bang a crazy slutty SJW gurl, and you will have enough disdain for their way of life so that you dont ever come across as desperate or thirsty or pedestalizing, therefore you can bang her as much as you want, until you get BORED of it. have you ever banged a girl so MUCH you got BORED of doing it? i didnt think so hahahaha. that is something on my bucket list for sure.

yeah that would boost up the confidence. if you can deal with a WOMAN, you can deal with the toughest customers, wiht the strangest situations, with confusion and uncertainty, act like a real man.

anyway it sucks to really like a woman, then they do something shitty to you, and you CANT like them any more. then you kind of hate them. then you kind of hate all women. until you find another one you like, who doesnt fooking leave you in the LURCH. and borderline damn BETRAY you hahahaha. she betrayed me a lot more than i betrayed HER!

did she think i was her father figure? maybe. and fathers dont fall in luv with their daughters. well i never saw her as my “daughter” figure. however i DEFINITELY felt my PROTECTOR urge come out for her. like i want to protect her from harm and pain and make her safe and happy. white knight, captain save a ho hahahaha.

normie sheeple get really excited about the new star wars movie. i just dont even care. i dont understand how this could be an important thing in anyones life.

world record speed clapping

but this guy on the clapper commercial has a better style imho even though hes slower

well, i mean a father protects his daughter, and a man protects his wife. every MAN has some sort of PROTECTIVE instinct towards women, especially daughters and wives.

if you get that instinct towards a woman, good sign you have real feelings to her. random women i could care less. go fook yourselves into oblivion. although i feel not great about white women throwing themselves away. i cant stop them. if i am in a position to, then….. i dunno. will i get feelings for any white woman i am close to? probably, if they are in their 20s, have no children, and are not shaped like a fat potato.

bonus points if they are 25 or under, are actually sort of cute in some way, and especially if they are not a slut, and think being a slut is bad.

honestly. yeah i know i am a huge loser beta but you didnt have to do THAT, you coulda been a little nicer. i was an even bigger loser beta with the previous woman and she was nicer to me.

maybe she thought i was Too Old to be interested in a young gurl like her?

well her main boifran was like 5 years older than her! maybe 6! and i wasnt THAT much older than HIM!!!!

so yeah. i dunno. i hate that its all my fault because i was a weak pussy and women Just Hate that. you have to be strong and dominant AT ALL TIMES. that would be NICE, but…….i didnt show THAT much weakness to her anyway. i was jsut caught off guard to see that she would be willing to flush our whole friendship down the toilet. i dont have a ton of experience being friends with women either. but when i do, i never fall in luv with them. this was totally new ground for me. but its not rocket science. just try to be nice and communicate. but not be weak. so i couldnt handle her shit tests?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!? no not really hahahahaha.

so i am gonna fall apart whenever some gurl gives me a SHIT TEST?

well she wasnt just Some Gurl to me! she was a friend i knew for 2 years!

when there is a woman in our political / social movement it is exciting for us “thirsty beta white knights” who both pedestalize and hate women hahahaha. so the rise of sinead mccarthy is kind of interesting. people verbally brutalize her for being a Flat Earther and a Coal Burner Mudshark and an Idiot. well flat earth is stupid and

i dont know if she responded to the coal burning rumor. there are pictures of her socializing with blacks and or hugging a black guy hahahahahaha well all white gurls have hugged a black guy. problem is they think secs is as casual as hugging hahahahahahaha.

here is the infamous MW xmas hangout which i was happy to be in the chat room with Big Guy 4U like sargon hahahaha. but other actually kewl people like pale hominid and wife with a purpose were in there too. maybe sinead mccarthy can get in on one of these hahahaha MW is doing 7 of them. he should do at least 1 a month imho.

anyway yeah is sinead really being put up as a waifu figure? how many of us are lonely loser virgins? some guy on TRS forum made the great point that when you have an actual 3d gf, it makes you less of a desperate “thirsty” white knight to other women cuz you actually have an actual woman in your life hahahahaha. i wonder what that feels like. prob pretty good hahahaha. confidence building.

yeah 2015 was definintely a good year for sinead, lots of attention, david duke, red ice, shiksa goddess, etc. she does have a white child so that is good. and yeah i would totally bang her even if she is old hahahahahahaha. no she is probably younger than me hahahaha.  did she say she was 26? then everybody in the chat balked at that and said she looked older. oh well. i would still bang her. but how crazy is she. some say very. well if she were showering me with attention and warmth and secs and loyalty, i would probably fall under her spell hahahaha. wonder what her traditionalist white husband is like. how much he makes. he is probably a big masculine huge viking type hahahaha.makes 100k + a year as an engineering project manager then goes out and does Strongman shit hahahaha. NO im not claiming he actually does. just spitballing. and he’s probably well above 6 feet hahahaha. 6 foot 3 at LEAST.  anyway yeah i like pale white nonfat girls with long purty hair.

so yeah

just spending the holidays in MW’s livechats hahahaha not even really listening to the hangout, but watching the ridiculous chatbox

it is pretty exciting, really on the cutting edge here.

but yeah sucks being a jobless failure at life and quickly becoming a huge neet shutin hahahaha

cant become a real man, blba bla bla