mar 11

if at first you dont succeed, try, try, try, try, try, and try again. this is GREAT life advice we’ve all heard, and i would fully endorse it.

the big problem with it is, you are NOT suppose to use it on WOMEN. once they reject you ONCE, you DONT EVER want to try again, because that makes you the BAD GUY in ever way. bad, weak, evil, horrible, like a child molester or a raepist. because then youre not respecting her wishes.

i wish the people who say if at first you dont succeed, try and try again, made it more clear that this advice should NEVER be used with women. even though its good advice in all other areas of life.

yeah this is common sense…….to fookin normie nonnevergfs who have never not been with a woman for longer than casual secs hahahaha.

also it was hard for muh fam to educate me on women, because even though women have always been the same at heart…..the women my generation and young are much, much worse than the women from, for example, the older baby boomers.  in terms of the things theyve DONE, the things they have on their conscience, if they had a conscience. in short, theyve taken many more cox, murdered more babies, broken more hearts, done 60000000 times more harm. earned the wages of sin. whereas before, the women were at least restrained from DOING this stuff. and that matters. when you DO evil and sin it changes you for the worse, makes you a worse person. heh. even jesus christ was TEMPTED to sin and do evil. but he said NO GET THEE BEHIND ME SATAN!!!!!!!!

so yeah unfort it was especially hard for the older generation to educate the younger generation on how to get women, because there was SUCH a drastic generational change in women.

the best would be homeschooling with an older brother or cousin who was 5 to 10 years older than you. or just a professional/life male mentor/role model who is 5 to 10 years older than you. every man should have this but most dont. Sad!

basically, someone from your same generation but a little bit older and wiser. younger than your parents. i suppose if your parents are younger then they might be able to understand your generation better because they are closer to it. and i endorse parents having children young. man and women get married at 18 and have their first child at 18. second child at 20, third child 22, 4th child 24, and the father has been making 28k a year since age 16, and by age 24 is prob making at least 40k a year. ideal world larping shit here hahahaha.

i guess in a nondegenerate nice hwyte country, you wouldnt even NEED homeschooling and could go back to more public schooling. though it should never get too far away from homeschooling. homeschool coops would be your “public schools”. parents would EXTREMELY VET all their childrens friends and especially their daughters suitors.

fathers could get involved with homeschooling too because half of homeschooling would be essentially bring your kids to work day and train the kids on your craft. so that they are poised to make 28k a year at age fooking 14 if they wanted.

and ideally the father would have eventually risen by this time to start his own business so that he is not somebody else’s slave and can hire who he wants, like his children, who he also makes damn sure are competent workers.

sure you could teach the daughters some of the work too, why not. esp if they have any interest in it. but mothers would be teaching about womens SACRED DUTY as the GUARDIANS of the race, of LIFE ITSELF, and educate women to have a LOT more RESPECT for that SACRED RESPONSIBILITY.

what a wonderful world it would be!

well i guess men would be the guardians but women would be…the mothers. you need them. without women and mothers your race dies.

“and thats a problem because………why?”

hehehe many young hwytes making 50k a year would seriously ask you that question.

“Whites have been on top for too long. They’ve taken MORE than their fair share. time for payback. KARMA. karmas a bitch sometimes, and whites have brought it all on themselves. time to step aside and give others a fair chance. thats why we need moar immigrants.”

im not makign this stuff up folks. i WISH it were just a cognitive distortion on my part.

GLR estimated that about 80% of (adult) J’s were traitors. and that traitors needed to be gassed. for treason hehehehe. this meant he beleived that 20% of j’s were GOOD JOOZ. when you put it THAT way…..that 20% sounds a little HIGH no? hahahahaha. i would put it more like 10% max hahahaha.

READ IT. BUY IT hahahaha. search it on google shopping to get a better price than amazon.

after you casually bang bitches, give them this book and say read this if you ever want a good pounding from me ever again. you do know how to read dont you? you read 50 shades of gray. now read something that matters. and maybe i’ll pound you again when i have time. and dont steal the book from me like a joo. and ill dump you very soon because you are not an honorable woman. a better man, like GLR, wouldnt even have banged your sloppy slutty pvssy even once. (he admits to not liking Easy Sluts when he was in the military, which gave him a reputation as an “oddball.”)

heh. his father was essentially a COMEDIAN. did not expect this. went from ridiculously starving artist to making good money in the depression just by making people laugh. i cant even imagine a type of stand up comedy or vaudeville that isnt extremely jooed, but i guess it existed once.

oosh needed this one:

i mean this is the risk you take with all in. thats why they call it gambling. he could have easily beat me with AA. or getting a J. but there i had an equal chance of getting a K as he did a J. of course if he had QQ he would have beat me.

GLR: ” The documents include the Overman Report to the U.S. Senate, 1919, Senate Document 88, which shows that of the 388 members of the first Soviet Government, sitting in the Old Smolny Institute in Petrograd, 371 were Js and 265 of these Js were from the lower East Side of New York City!  ”

oh im sure this overman report has been discredited as an antisemitic hoax even worse than the protocols of the elders of zion hahahahaha.

petrograd = st petersberg

stalingrad = leningrad = volgograd = yuge russian victory against germans in ww2, hence yuge motherland calls statue. VERY VERY VERY impressive statue, but not sure this was such a good thing for russians. or germans. or the world. war should have never been fought. US should have never entered war. so uhhh what then. is it polands fault for not surrendering immediately to germany? i really like poland tho.  but prob not more than i luv the hwyte race and not more than my dislike of the antiwhiteness of da jooz.

also read this one by the one and only henry ford.

archive of the archive hahahaha

unfort GLR’s parents were divorced by the time he was 6. in the mid 1920s.

see chapter 3 hahahaha

i was also the first person to archive this on YOUR WELCOME hahahahah

back in the day you did not have to incur a ton of high interest debt to Qualify yourself for a Job as a NURSE.

something JOOEY is going on here.

now you are a 21 year old woman with 100k in debt and you can get a job that pays pretty well, maybe 40k a year. but still. note i am thinking of a BSN degree. not an LPN or god forbid CNA. which at least half of applicants are not smart enough to get into super competitive harvard like BSN programs.

all so you can work 60 hours a week watching people die, watching hospitals joo dying people over, have dying people complain to you that you are an evil joo, seeing 900000000 lb negros, dying chldren, all your colleagues are Opioid popping sluts cheating on their husbands and maybe you are too. never trust a nurse hahahaha. some of them are good tho.

GLR’s book sort of reminds me of bernard chapin. i think they are similar personalities. therefore, maybe i could use GLR to convince uncle bern to become JQ pilled hehehehe. slip him the GLR book and tell him its actually….theodore dalrymple or something hahahahaha. im sure bern knows who GLR is, but is probably unwilling to read any nazi stuff because “nazis were total leftists. they have the word socialist right in the title!!!!”

a lot of greatest generation type goys that are otherwise great hwytes, are really turned off by AH and the hakenkreuz, because they fought in WW2 and learned to hate the ebil natzis. what a cohencidence. but the kids these days dont even know what ww2 or the natzis even ARE, which i think is good for giving them a blank slate for us to work with. they dont know anything about the h0l0 hoax either!

cuz i was thinking about a guy like rockwell today. its really hard to get away with wearing a sv4stica and calling yourself a natzi. i mean anglin kinda does it, but he also does not go out in public like rockwell, and i would like if he did.

i think a better public face for the movement right now would be a guy like sven. handsome, charming, healthy, husband and father, funny, personable, sociable, normie chad dad. flying both a confederate flag and a US flag. comes across as a totally well adjusted normie that people will like and listen to. great optics hahahaha. which is why im so happy hes making hihg svenergy vidyas a regular thing now. maybe have his children make a cameo appearance. might be a good gamble to get more normie women involved. (not nonnormie crazy women.)

also be very curious to see how MW develops because now i think he has a GF and he is losing weight and dressing better and all these things can have an enormously positive effect on a mans confidence. especially having a loyal GF. i’d imagine, hahaha. never had one hahaha.

this is all speculation, i dont know he actually has a GF, but i am seeing some subtle hints that MIGHT suggest it.

i mean i hope he does, he totally deserves it! you shouldn’t HAVE to be as awesome as MW, or Sven, or varg v, just to get a damn decent gf! you should be in the top….50%, not the top 1% of awesomeness!

anyway. before you could just become a wage slave to da jooz. now you have to become a DEBT slave before you even earn the privilege of being a wage slave!!!!!!

”  But I never tried to kiss her, although she made remarks which I am now sure were dainty scoldings for my miserable cowardice in such matters.

This super- Victorian attitude with women followed me a long time in life and I may have missed a great many  ‘good things’ by ordinary standards. But after seeing more of human ‘love’ and what happened to many of the
brassy successes with women, I suspect that the sweet, storybook memories I keep of such idyllic, if not  physically satisfying, love are far more pleasant in the long run than the pleasures of the more sophisticated. I don’t believe I can deny that my failure to ‘go farther’ with girls earlier in life was largely due to plain cowardice where girls were concerned. But I also think most people today lose the savor of love and sex through over- sophistication and impatience. It is impossible to enjoy a fine wine by gulping it all down at once and even a connoisseur cannot appreciate his dainty sips the first time he tries wine. ”

chap 3, GLR describes his first luv and how he was a beeta niceguy who was too afraid to make a move, but ultimately he was glad he was not a MUH DIKK, FILTHY-MINDED DEGENERATE.

will durant’s story of philosophy was influential to the 18 year old GLR. I have heard of this guy but never read. here’s the full text hahahaha.

ok getting ready to go to boring church.

in chapter 4 he describes being a waiter at 19 where he had his first Practice Gurl, a waitress of 24 at his restaurant, so he lost the vcard and had some fun with her, at an age when that is so important for a boys confidence, with a gurl who is a little older, but in the grand scheme of things, still young as hell. this is pretty much perfect. wish i knew some 24 or 25 year old women when i was 19! i sure didnt hahahaha.

that’s probably the ideal way to do it, even for special snowflakes like me. unless you have a high school sweetheart AND she likes you back AND then you fook like rabbits AND she doesnt dump you immediately.

in the 1930s even slutty unmarried 24 year old skanks wouldnt dump you after several fooks. have the decency to let you fook them until you get comfortable fooking them.

so they SEEM “older” because you are SO young at 19…..but they are still young and hawt at 25.  and i think they like “schooling” the virile young boy. its a win win.  so good for GLR. i wish I knew some 25 year old sluts when i was 19.

also its good to get experience as a restaurant server at that age. but not to make a career out of it. and you will also prob meet a 25 year old slut working in a restaurant. therefore, I prescribe that all boys do one year of restaurant service when they are 18 or 19 if they are still a V and havent got married to their high school sweetheart, or have any ineptness with women.  of course, n my ideal world, they’ll already be making good money at a semi skilled trade such that working in a restaurant would be a step DOWN for them. so i’d make sure that 1. they dont MARRY the restaurant slut practice gurl they’re banging 2. they can come right back to their old job after a year, or 9 months. basically, the whole point of the restaurant is to give them Confidence and Social Skills in dealing with WOMEN, and in dealing with bitchy customers. and maybe in resisting the temptation of degeneracy and cash in your pocket.

GLR became suitably confident that he was able to pull funny pranks on bitchy customers, rather than run home crying every night. this is a great measure of your confidence. rather than being all nervous about bitchy customers, can you get enjoyment on doing little pranks on them? nothing TOO degenerate of course, like a nonwhite might do, but the innocent pranks like GLR describes: making everything sticky with syrup, serving up a bowl of butter disguised as ice cream to a fat bitchy woman, etc.

he was also a great example of someone who was very smart, but didnt apply himself in school and got mediocre grades in high school. that didnt stop him from applying to harvard tho. they “lost his application”. he later applied to brown and got in as an “experiment” because he had shitty grades, but he had a very high Standardized Test score, like SAT/ACT, and that alone was good enough to get him into Brown. not as good as harvard, but better than 95% of unis hahahaha.

ter·ma·gant     ˈtərməɡənt/  noun   1.  a harsh-tempered or overbearing woman.    2. historical       an imaginary deity of violent and turbulent character, often appearing in morality plays.

heh looking up words as i read.

when he “experimented with women” his first year at brown, what does that mean? that he fooked 50 sluts? probably more like he made out with 5 women. which still makes him a yuge normie chad by neet virgin standards hahaha. then he met his wife second year of brown. pretty ideal age to meet your wife.

might have to read his other book, hwyte power, which is less of an autobiog, and more of larping on the ideal world and how to fix this one.

he talks about his first wife who he met at that time, and she sounds like a real ballbusting bitch, constantly hot and cold, bipolar, showing him luv one minute, and then being cold the next minute, driving him crazy. total drama queen and bipolar. now he was man enough to “tame” her temporary and get some children out of her, but by god that had to be EXHAUSTING. he should have just NEXTED her and found a woman that wasnt gonna play so many GAMES with him. they were married for 10 years and had some kids. but i am surprised they lasted 10 years. probably because he was manly as fook, being a manly ass navy pilot and war hero.

yet HE didnt come to hate hitler and the germans!

yeah i take back what i said about kids forgetting about nazis and the holocaust and the svastica. yeah they might not know a god damn thing about ww2, but you know who has made DAMN sure that they never forget that hitler/nazis/svastica = pure evil, the most evil people evil, who wanted to genocide 60000000000000000000 joos in camps, innocent children, and that basically all white people are evil natzis and all nonwhites are like innocent jooish children being crammed into ovens by evil hwyte natzis. its an even worse thing than slavery that hwytes worldwife have to be eternally sorry for. especially germans. so yeah im not sure we could ever “reclaim” the svastica, and i think indeed GLR was starting to move away from it, realizing he had maybe miscalculated that risk.

i mean shit i get suspicious whenever i see some “hwyte power” person in front of a svastica flag. they look like hwyte trash with tattoos and women with face piercings and shit. prob on opioids hahahaha.

i will allow weev with his sweet tattoo hahaha. or people using svasticas with pepes or something. but i just dont see it being a vital part of VVN 2.0 and 3.0. maybe later it can be reclaimed tho.

see although he didnt like dirty military fookin sluts that didnt stop him from seducing a classy rich dame while his wife to be was all up and down on him. see, he was a real man and didnt have his balls in a cage by her. he should have just stuck with the rich georgia gurl elsie even if she was spoiled. hmm ok looks like he did ask her to marry him. then she called it off. then it was on again. ok she seems as ridiculous as the other woman. he should have nexted them both. found a damn woman that wasnt bipolar. i mean honestly. are even good women THIS bipolar?

but he had other more important stuff going on in his interesting life, like becoming a pilot. and these women still have the audacity to string him along and dump him. come on. like you can do better than a handsome, smart, charming navy pilot!!!!!!

how about a charmless, timid, awkward, old semi neet making 11k a year? hahahaha.

heh. well he admits to still being a naive beta when he married his wife, and too ignorant and cowardly to exert natural masculine dominance which would have saved the marriage. even though he had a practice gurl when he was 19 and had like 3 or 4 other gfs before marrying her and had been flying planes. if he wasnt masculine enough, no one would be. i think GLR was just selling himself short, and also maybe she was just crazy, and maybe he had a thing for crazy broads.

heh. if i had a practice gurl when i was 19 i would have learned how to deal with womens bullshit so when a decent woman gave me bullshit, i would handle it like a man and keep the woman loyal to me, to give me children, and i would have lived happily ever after with That Woman as the mother of my children! except i didnt know how to handle a Good Woman because I havent been with enough Mediocre Women! heh even the mediocre women would dump me quickly. and i was no decorated navy pilot or ivy league grad!

really it seemed the problem was his wife was brainwashed by her own mother who encouraged her to be a career woman and not be tied down by babies.

hehehe here is a Cannabis place in spokane WA. i have heard that eastern WA is a pretty nice place for hwytes. just a very hwyte place, free of the marxist jooish POZ that is in the western part of the state like seattle. so, how bad is spokane? it is a pretty big city.

so WA has retail shops where you can just walk in and buy, like CO. i think OR is like this too. i can only imagine being a 21 year old degen in these states. staggering around washington state university going to the p0t shops hahahaha.  banging 20 year old hwyte gurls while blazed on legal weeeeed. well its not good that hwyte gurls are sluts, ever. but god DAMN am i ever tempted by the idea of legal weeeeed.

but is this really the type of country we want? is this the deal with the devil im willing to make for my own degen hedonism?? the equivalent of jerking off muh dick to muh porn????

well like ive said, MJ is not inherently perverted like porn.

anyway. who cares.

you think COMMANDER ROCKWELL would approve of MJ? fooooook NO, he’d rightfully call it jooish communist poison!!!!! im sure he eventually will say something to that extent in his book im reading!

yeah well i wouldnt go around boasting about it to commander rockwell hahahaha. he wouldnt understand muh needs in that area hahaha.  i mean yeah it is a bad habit and not something you should be proud of or advertise. but you should be able to legally do it. becuase it gives you a sense of Happiness, however fleeting hahahaha. and its not like you stop being pro-hwyte. i would gladly get blazed and continue to do pro-hwyte things hahahahaha, not become a traitorous race mixer hahaha.

well plenty of pathetic st0ners are race traitors haahaha. and have no healthy natural revulsion to miscegenation, no proper sense of racial hygiene!




sept 14

i dont WANT an EXPLANATION of WHY, I already know WHY, that’s nothing. I jsut wanted to be treated nicer, like a human being, like i mattered, like our Rel mattered, like it was an important rel between two human beings. sheeeeeit i already know WHY. the WHY is not important. I just wanted more kindness and gentleness and less ice coldness hahahaha. treat me and our Past Rel with DIGNITY.

i dont are about why. i already KNOW why. case closed. i just wanted to know what she was thinking regarding hurting me. did you really WANT to HURT me? and WHY was THAT?

other thing: besides being humiliated on a personal level, i felt humiliated on a woring level: i failed at this job, while she succeeded at the same job. She could handle it, I couldn’t. She’s moving up, I’m moving down. I cant handle REAL LIFE as good as her. She is a winner, i am a loser, and losers like me dont deserve to associate with winners like her. and maybe thats why she rejected me so brutally on a personal level. because i was just inferior scum in every conceivable way. i was like the slimiest, most scheming little sleazy greasy joo to her.

and i think abotu how women Botch Relationships and Emotioanlly Overreact (I screwed up TOO but she screwed up WAY more), and I think, how the hell can women do JOBS and make 13 dollars an hour??? you need to make GOOD decisions! you need to have a record of excellence! you need to communicate clearly and decisively! women cant do this shit! they are like a 50 foot baby with a flamethrower! how can they be mature enough to handle a 13 an hour job, LET ALONE a 20 dollar an hour job??!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?

she never made flashcards! she never looked at old cases! she never studied when she went home! she never did homework! yet i failed and she succeeded! I wanted to know how shit worked, she just said idk lol! and got a man to help her! and she is the winner and i am the loser at life! FOOK THAT SHIT!!!! FOOK THIS GAY

maybe i should embrace hating women like i embracing being a racist.

so i thought, well i dont even HATE other races, i just dont think races can coexist all that well. but women of my own race annoy the shit out of me just as much or even more than people of other races!

and this is not good, i thought. it jsut doesnt feel like something natural or sustainable the way being a racist feels pretty natural. i dont really WANT To hate women in other words.

also, for a man like me who wants so much to be a father and have children…..i dont think its a good idea for a Good Father to HATE WOMEN!!!!!!!

Good Fathers don’t hate women, they get along with women and teach their children how to get along with women!

so yeah in order to level up to pull good women, i need to learn how to deal with low level trash women on okcupid hahahaha.

i guess muh goals in life were never specific enough. find a nice gf. that became find a nice gf and make her muh waifu. as i got older. then that became have children with the waifu. and also get a 13 dollar an hour job with benefits and weekends off that doesnt drive me crazy. that is all.

maybe GOD is not calling me to be a father though. or even to be married. some people are called to be SINGLE 4 LYFE. Its just very weird though. cuz some of my biggest goals were to be married, have children. now GOD is telling me that i’m WRONG??!?!?! these arent horrible ungodly things! GOD LUVS marriage and family and so do I!!!!!!

but maybe  this is not what GOD has meant for me and my life. which is frustrating, because, like i just said, god LUVS marriage and family!

so i thought that well, maybe i’m supposed to be single and childless and I can still support marriage and family by…..doing marriage and family related work. it just seems frustrating though. that all these people can get married, have families and children, some of them are totally shitty too. and i’m meant to SUPPORT families, but i’m not allowed to have a family myself? it sounds CRUEL and SADISTIC!!!! like TORTURE!!!!! God doesnt just TEST us, he TORTURES us!!!!!!!! why the hell CANT I have a family?

well, besides I am totally not ready for it. but i really should be at this age. I mean realistically i have too many ISSUES to be a husband and father. unfortunately. but its the truth.

also, i want to know if i did something terrible, SO I DONT DO IT AGAIN IN THE FUTURE!!!!!!!

i dont want to fook things up this bad again!!!!!!

but again thats an unknown. most likely i didnt do anything horribly wrong, like lie or cheat where i really AM the bad guy at fault. sometimes that shit DOES happen. sometimes it IS your fault.  sometimes you ARE the bad guy.

it would have almost been better if she said YOUR THE BAD GUY, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT.

heh. maybe.

i hate making mistakes, but i might hate NOT KNOWING if i made a mistake or not even MORE!

i mean if i ever get feelings for a friend again, i WILL handle it differently, namely, tell them assertively and quickly.

oh yeah. when women think “ALL GUYS LOOK AT PORN.”

WRONG! so yeah that is triggering. they havent met me yet! I dont look at porn because it is jooish filth that ruins women and men! poisons the mind and soul!!!! i actively do NOT watch porno and can’t imagine wanting to watch it EVER AGAIN!!!!!! its DISGUSTING!!!!!!!!

applied for 5th job today. army related job. administering asvab tests hahahaha. 15 an hour. found out it was casual/intermittent, meaning no benefits. sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeit. thats the whole reason to get a fedgov job!

well i did not see that until i was 80% done with the grueling 16 minute application hahahaha.

NOTE: the first time you apply for a USAJOBS job, it will take MUCH longer to build your superresume, get all your shit together etc.

all guys do not look at porn, just the manly men you date hahahahaha

omega male sex negative neets think porn is disgusting degeneracy hahahahaha but we are invisible to women so…..

Women SHOULD be CAUTIOUS, they can get PREGNANT!!!!!


how can someone with the maturity level of a CHILD make an ABOVE AVERAGE INCOME???? make WAY MORE THAN ME?

also it sucks when they are much more mature with other people, and super immature with you.

then you wonder, what did I do, so I don’t do it again!

but what you did was not super duper offensive, but just basic bitch communication mistakes.

besides, if you are doing something SUPER wrong, like lying or cheating…….you usually KNOW it, and you think, welp, I can GET AWAY with this, they’ll never find out. nothing like that here.

TEN dollar an hour job where posting calls for EIGHTY wpm typing. i have 60.

EIGHTY words a minute for TEN dollars an hour. 


113 people applied, so i should apply too hehehehe.

i have a great SUPPORT SYSTEM, so why the hell am i so insecure and unstable and struggling and on the edge?

i have to remember, i dont hate all women. this woman i see at my weekly game, she is very nice and good and i like her and she doesnt annoy me. when i first met her, she kind of annoyed me a little but now i totally appreciate and like her. too bad i am not in luv with her hahahaha. i really didnt have any of that interest in her. not a slut either. darn near asexual which was starting to become weird…..but in the past few years she met a good decent man and they are getting married. pretty much a perfect situation there. he is pretty masculine and not a niceguy wimp pvssy like me, but i get the idea that he has morals and was not a degen womanizer at any point.

separate website for FBI jobs, they are not posted on USAJOBS………i dont think.

ok applied for gs05, 32k level job with air force. it specialist hahahahaha. now this is more like it. there are some fedgov bennies hahahaha. however no specific openings at my local air force base. might never be an opening hhehehe.

ok 6 jobs for today hehehe good enough.

well 7 would be better but i am getting back on the horse. i mean SHEEEEEEEIT, i might have to get to 600 jobs. at 600 i will start sucking dicks for recruiters until i become blacklisted by every recruiter in town. there are a lot of recruiters in town! sometimes it seems there are more recruiters than nonrecruiters hahahaha.

anyway im saying it would take MANY YEARS for me to burn through every recruiter in town.

but yeah it bothers me that a person can be more successful than me yet be a lot more immature than me…..and i am pretty immature.

also, i was the one putting myself out there. she wasnt really putting herself out there at all. she COULD HAVE. in the sense that it would have took some agency and initiative to Respond to the Request, and say Listen, I’m Not Interested, Let’s End this in a good way.

but no she just shut down entirely.

i did not shut down entirely regarding HER.

i did kinda shut down regarding my job and my life.

but its impossible to communicate or deal with a person who SHUTS DOWN.

basically, she shut down, I didnt. I was begging her not to shut down.

yeah, i shouldnt have BEGGED…….but jeez. if someone is begging you, just humor them. i dunno. ive never had anyone BEG me before. I imagine i would write them an email hahahahha.


you cant do anything with someone who shuts down. cant communicate, cant make the best of a bad situation. shutting down is abotu the worst communication there is. i did bad communication but not this bad. i didnt shut down.

how can SHE make more money than me and be more successful at life than me???!?!?!?!?!

and in relships too. she had a 4 year relship that could have resulted in marriage. i have never had a long term monog committed rel with a woman, ever.  that in itself is a damn red flag to women, and i have to damn lie about it essentially, or just avoid talking about it.

but i also feel like i havent been given a fair CHANCE. give me a CHANCE and dont GIVE UP and WALK OUT on me. im not THAT bad!!!!!!!! i honestly believe that! im not perfect but im not THAT bad!!!!!!!

i dont SHUT DOWN. I’ll write you a longass email before I shut down. Or leave you a 5 minute voice mail of me rambling. i will tell you whats on my mind in great detail!!!!!!!!! look at this blog!!!!!!

dont look for a redpilled woman, you wont find a decent one. just find a nice decent wholesome woman who has not taken too many dix and you can make her redpilled.

i have known this for a while, i am very comfortable being the red pill person hahahaha. just want a wholesome, moral, decent, nice, woman, thats all.

fook politics, fook redpills, fook race, fook music, fook taste, fook coolness. dont sweat the small stuff hehehe.

she will prove her race loyalty simply by not being interested in fooking nonwhites. and OF COURSE she WILL say something like “but Im not racist, i swear!” im not so autistic any more that I want a woman to say “yes Im proud to be a racist!” for a woman, thats just WEIRD!!!!!!!!!!! for a man, its pretty cool tho.

its very similar to when i was young, i thought it would be so cool to find a waifu who liked METAL. now im smart enough to know that would be a fooking clusterfook. it would be similar to find a full on 1488 waifu. they would prob be bipolar, borderline, and fooking ingras in 6 months.

note: i don’t think That Woman was Over the line crazy like that. she was acceptable levels of normie female crazy. she just greatly disappointed me is all. she is still way less evil than average. a good person who did something very disappointing to me. shit i would take her back in an instant hahahahaha.

i mean women are just not good at making real world judgments and doing things in the real world. yet they make shitloads more money at jobs in the real world. when they have no real SKILL in the real world! i mean when it comes to SERIOUS shit in the real world,  you’d be a fool to trust a woman! they jsut dont have it! and i dont say that to be mean! its just the way it is! its just not a good match for them! their skill set is elsewhere! namely, raising children. and heres the thing, that can of course be extremely compromised as well. in the current year. so many times it appears that many women are good for absolutely NOTHING.

i mean many women in the real world are literally good for absolutely nothing. its sad and horrifying and it didnt have to be that way.

and that woman, she was not one of those worthless women. like i say, i hurts a lot more to be rejected by the good, decent women. those are the ones that take longest to get over. because something of great value was lost. as opposed to something of no value. or negative value hahahaha.

i guess i should meditate on this real life woman i know who is not a piece of garbage, but actually a decent, good, wholesome, moral person. nope she is not redpilled, nope she is not politically minded, yes she likes the worst music and tv shows and movies ever.  but she has good morals, has lived according to those morals, and would make a good wife and mother. perfect. i am not attracted to her but i wish I were. well actually not, because she is getting married and good for them i say. its about time. really she’s getting married a little late at like age 29 or 30, but better late than never in her case.

so whenever i think of That Woman, i should replace her with thoughts of This Woman. Yes.

and i dont think even if you cut muh balls off it would even help. my secsual libido is not the problem. its loving people who are gone, unavailable, and never luved me.

ok want to get in at least 2 applications before my afternoon powerwalk hahaha.

ok got in 3 but they were so low energy. local shitty hospital using ultipro ATS. it kinda incentivizes low energy applications. 3 to 5 minutes each. can only have one resume/packet on there at a time. ideally this is ideal, and employers wouldnt care if you only took 3 minutes on an app vs 30 minutes. but of course they do. and if you spend only 3 minutes, you will get screened out.

yeah tv is really triggering. i usually have it on as background noise……..but i really SHOULDNT. this is not a value added strategy hahahaha.

got 3 apps in real quick. the site said full time but 2 were ACTUALLY part time. i dont think this is intentional. i think it is just basic incompetence from whoever manages the postings. basic bitch not knowing how to do your job so you just Fudge It and pretend like you know what youre doing…..even though you have no idea of best practices. this is very common. this is the norm hahahaha. norm 4 normies. normies gonna norm hahahahaha.

ok time for powerwalk.

ok did 4.18 mile pwalk. listened to azzmador talking with grandpa lampshades.

ok this isnt the exact one but i should listen to this one.

they are both total laid back southern gentlemen, i have difficulty telling them apart hahahaa except azzmador has a slightly deeper voice. but i love this laid back, polite, friendly, southern hospitality.

very j00 wise alt right type guys who each do their own podcasts but not on trs. but i am sure they approve of trs. they are not renegade tier or anything hahahahaha.

heh. if i am going to have children i cant afford, i might as well do that with some woman i am madly in luv with and would never want to leave hahahaha. of course she could veyr well want to leave me!

because honestly i cant EVER imagine being ABLE to afford children!

heh. i could probably smoke MJ all day, then take the next 2 days off, and then my system would be clear to pass a drugs test. thats pretty good right?

ok how about 3 days.

really the best think i can do is powerwalking hahaha. i wish i was as good about lifting. but powerwalking is my strength, muh skill set, and i want to be the best powerwalker i can be hahaha.

the other thing i naturally do is writing this trash……………… and tbh the powerwalking is a lot BETTER FOR ME.

the writing CAN be good SOMETIMES but it can EASILY go both ways.

the walking cannot. the walking is ALWAYS good. cant go wrong. win win.

these women are NIHILISTIC and SOCIOPATHIC. the horrible lives they lead. the empty, shallow relationships. the things they value. MORAL INVERSION. NIHILISTIC and SOCIOPATHIC. treating people like OBJECTS.

i have been antsy since not having an interview is a while. and i am at 18.5 and i need to get to at LEAST 25. meaning 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, and 24 are all gonna be worthless. other than getting me one closer to magic 25.

but 25 isnt magic! like i say, on the whole, i feel i do PRETTY GOOD on interviews! i mean i dont SLAM DUNK it, but i still feel i do well enough to get an offer before 25!

bridget jones baby? a 50 year old slut with tons of grotesque plastic surgery creating a miserable innocent life out of her 50 year old adolescent sluttery? absolutely disgusting! if i didnt have the tv on i would never have seen that bullshit movie commercial!

women cannot give good advice basically. if you ever need HELP with figuring something out, god forbid you go to a woman. they might mean well, but my god they cannot give good advice. they MIGHT mean well though. that does count for something. but dear god dont take their awful advice. what makes /r/relships so shitty is all the WOMEN chiming in with their shitty advice. i need a MEN ONLY forum. but not necessarily a MGTOW or got forbid GAME forum. but 99% of Men Only forums are going to be MGTOW, MRA, or Game.

well, not TRS though. but TRS doesn’t have a relationship section. but they should hahahahaha.


I think it would go over better than me starting a Neet Section.

but I DO like having a Neet Blog which is very Alt Right!

like women will tell you that college and career is more important than a rel, and encourage people to break up just because theyre YOUNG and those early relships NEVER work out, you have a chance for a great FUTURE by getting into a Top 50 school, so just break up with so and so even though u luv them. bullshit advice like that.

women are so BLUE PILL on things like college. they were encouraging another woman who had left a 45k a year job so she could go back to COLLEGE and become a TEACHER. holy SHIT.  thats exactly the kind of bad advice women give. because you’ll be so glad you got your teaching degree and now make 20k a year with part time sub jobs and no health care. babysitting feral black chirren.

not a lot of commentary right now. but i want more people to say yeah she is really an ice cold bitch, not “it doesnt matter, youre not entitled to anything.” no, of course he’s not, but IT WOULD BE NICE if she could DIGNIFY A 3 YEAR RELSHIP by not meeting these sleazy new friends, staying up till 6 am, going on tinder right in front of him. show some COURTESY for the HEART you are breaking and the Long Term Relationship you are Single Handedly Ending, I would tell her.

dont tell him “its over, get over it.”

yes of COURSE he should go no contact but give him some moral support at least. damn. judge her behavior as shitty and sleazy!!!!!!! judge her as the bad guy here!!!!!! because she is!!!!!!!!!!!

now i dont talk too much shit about That Woman. Sometimes sure. but not overall. most of this is just me grieving and moaning and whining. but i can’t say what a shitty person she was…….because she wasnt. she was honestly a good decent wholesome person who just dropped the ball here and disappointed me greatly. but it wasnt because she was a shitty, horrible person. she just fight or flight and shut down. she could be a great wife and mother to a different man.

ok i turned off the tv and am listening to beethovens 1st symphony. not sure why. just wanted some classical music symphony fast. something that wasnt too jooish. and that is a symphony.

she doesnt NEED to consider your feelings. again, technically correct, but to tell the guy that…..that is weak womanly advice. no, she doesnt need to, but she SHOULD, after 2-3 YEARS, show him some god damn COMMON COURTESY.


she wants to be just friends, he thinks he needs to go no contact and cant do just friends because she broke up with him and he still wants her. he sees her at bar, is drunk, gets emotional, now he’s the bad guy. come on. meanwhile she’s tweeting about fooking strangers off tinder. god damn. so he’s supposed to be cool with the love of his life dumping him and fooking randos. and hes the bad guy for getting upset once. come on.

COMMON COURTESY from the woman is a reasonable expectation. not tweeting about EVIL DEGENERATE NIHILISTIC SOCIOPATHIC casual secs and being a filthy, degenerate whore. he has every right to be upset. yes he should go no contact.

so yeah. whatever happened to common courtesy. human decency. early termination fee. treat the person youre dumping with respect and kindness because THIS HURTS THEM.

casual secs IS unqualifiably degenerate, and she wants to throw away something good and wholesome, to do degenerate filth. of course he has a right to be upset.

at the very least she shouldn’t be pushing him to be friends, to understand that he is hurt, and needs no contact.

what did SHE do when Chad dumped her? probably some really shameful things trying to get chad back! and then fooked a bunch of casuals when chad laughed in her face!

now she’s pissed at the guy SHE dumped because he’s having a hard time with it? what a fookin coont!!!!!

and when this bitch on reddit says yeah you did act like an asshole, he responded with yeah i know i feel so bad about it, i know i should apologize to her etc etc. i downvoted the bitch hahaha.

common courtesy. human decency. part of the social contract of having a relship is NOT BEING A PIECE OF SHIT WHEN YOU END THE REL.


so many women didnt get that memo. too immature.

and i dont care if i am making a should statement. THIS SHOULD BE A SHOULD STATEMENT!!!!!






now that is the type of lecturing i can support!

i would be a great lecturer. sermonizer.

oh but they broke up 4 months ago so everybody should be KEWL, thats plenty of time to get comfortable with the love of your life dumping you, without willing to work on it, and fook randoms, and youre the bad guy to get upset at that and not want to be her platonic friend and hear about her degen secs life. god damn fooking degenerates. i am this close to private messaging the guy and telling him he is totally in the right and not to listen to that bitch that said “he definitely fooked up”. fook that bitch!


you HAVE to include the Ending Terms in their too.


so yeah it IS her concern, it IS her business. if she can end it on her whim, then she has to put forth good faith, good will, and effort to do the WORK necessary to end it at her whim. and that involves human decency, common courtesy, and not being a piece of shit. wow. i guess if you ask for that, then you are the bad guy.

you’re the bad guy if you think casual secs is degenerate and bad and a terrible way to finish off a beautiful LTR.

cuz its all the same, theres no good or bad or right or wrong.

and this is 30 year old people with professional careers, level 2 and above making 60k a year, saying all this disgusting shit.


and she has NO IDEA why the guy is upset! unbelievable! a 29 year old woman with the maturity of a 12 year old and she makes more money than i ever will!!!! unbelieveable!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11



how can all these WOMEN not even BEGIN to understand that????!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

no not all women. but a good 50% of them hahahahaha.

half of them are in this basket of deplorables hahahahahaha

its amazing you have to shout these Things I Learned In Kindergarten to Grown Fooking Women.

well remember its not all women. only HALF of women, hahaha.

oh but the ending isnt part of the relationship, these sneaky little j’s claim. i dont have ANY responsibilities the second i say “im done” and walk out.

that is an extremely JOOISH view of humanity and human relations. all these sneaky little loopholes, just like a joo trying to joo you out of service. sorry goy thats not in the contract. here’s the thing, there is no real contract. no exchanges, no refunds, no service, thanks for the money, chump!

theyve turned our women into sneaky little joos!!!!!!

i dont want to talk to women, i dont want to read womens stupid thoughts. the only time i will listen to a woman is if she is being NICE and PLEASANT. women CAN be good at that when they want to be. having just utterly harmless, charming, nice small talk, just being damn NICE. its really not that hard. doesnt take a lot of effort, energy, or creativity. just be nice. dont be an annoying, unscrupulous joo.

sept 2016: i keep hearing hearsay that millennial woes got a ladyfriend and that it is makign him more confident and masculine. I HOPE SO!!! GOOD FOR YOU LAD!!!!!!

I luv MW but havent listened to him lately cuz i dont luv the hangouts. anyway i would be VERY happy if he got a nondegen waifu, he DESERVES a good waifu, and indeed it would help him become an even better man… waifus can potentially do. shit it would help ME!

sept 16

yeah so i dont care that mw had a gay past, except that it makes him kinda neurotic and despairing and has consequences for his current mental/emo health, but he can certainly mitigate those consequences, and i believe he has done that. now i just hope his gf isnt a degen bitch who dumps him and breaks his heart because that could really set him back. i know. hahahahaha. remember he also fell in luv with a WOMAN before and when she rejected him, that broke his heart for YEARS and that hurt him a LOT. ive been there hahahaha.

i mean yeah this is what i am obsessed with. muh white whale. muh wheelhouse. relships between men and women. period. that is what i should do my career in. period.

so funny. for most normies this is just an accepted part of life. you get a gf and bang and sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesnt, but you just keep going until at age 25 you find someone you could probably marry and then you marry them, have children, and maybe they divorce you in 5-10 years.

but theres no need to study and obsess and analyze because you know you have the tools to be in a serious LTR because you’ve been in them before or you’re in one now!

since i have never been, i just don’t know that i have the Tools. and that is part of my obsession, studying How Women Are, and How Men Are, and the nuts and bolts of communication, problem solving etc.

when REALLY, i probably ALREADY HAVE the Tools i need, i just havent found the right woman. who is willing to let me use those tools hahaha.  because they were never WILLING. they were not OPEN, they just wanted to WALK AWAY. because they Just Werent That Into Me. but it they WERE, then I would have the Tools and the Communication Skills to make it last at least a year!

but yeah these normie women are like ROBOTS. date a guy, fook him, fall in “luv”, get some abortions, fall out of luv, dump him, and IMMEDIATELY start the whole process again with a new guy. it sounds both EXHAUSTING and DISGUSTING. how can you do that? how can people be so interchangeable to you? how can this “closeness” be so casual and meaningless????!!?!?! its NIHILISTIC AND SOCIOPATHIC!!!! and exhausting and disgusting hahaha and grotesque and horrifying, very blackpill.

but maybe IM the fooked up one because i take this shit too SERIOUSLY!!!!! and when i get heartbroken it takes TWO YEARS to get over them! whereas with NORMIES it takes 2 months before they are fooking other degens!

hehehehe i luv muh waifus literally TWELVE TIMES more than normie degen women luv their men!!!!!

but yeah it makes me think that normie degens incl half of women just dont Luv People the same way I do. or at least at much less of an intensity. And when the difference in Degree is Twelvefold, it may as well be a difference in Kind!!!! a different kind of luv!!!!!!!!

and how do you have a real sustainable LTR when you luv them TWELVE TIMES more than they luv you??!?!?!

that gives them absolute power over you and spells IMMINENT DOOM for the rel. period. they WILL leave you and you WILL be devastated for the next 2 years. what a terrible way to LIVE hahahaha.

basically i need to find another WEIRDO whos luv meter is turned way up to 12 in order to have a lasting thing where i dont get dumped because a huge interest mismatch!!!!

heh all this is not productive writing at all. it is pretty much a nonstop circle of Negative Thoughts. and i need to Rip Out negative thoughts and replace them with positive thoughts, by any means necessary.

even at the expense of Truth!

like how i should replace all thoughts of That Woman with This Other Woman I know who is very very nice and wholesome and is getting married soon. just cut and paste. i should also cut and paste with some sort of positive replacement to the negative thoughts that FILL this blog.

powerwalking is good.

well, not ALL of this post is bad!

WHEN I AM MAKING SERMONIZING STATEMENTS LIKE THIS, those are usually pretty good. even the righteous anger ones. there is nothing inherently negative about righteous anger!

despair, however, yes. that is INHERENTLY BAD.

righteous anger good. despair bad.

so, when i am going into despair or other negative realm, then switch it with something positive: thinking of this wholesome woman, statements of righteous anger, powerwalking, or something productive like Job Searching. cranking out the Apps. getting closer to 500-600. how about 550 hahahahahaha.

job apps themselves cause both righteous anger (good) and despair (bad.) i guess the solution there is, once again, maximize the good and minimize the bad.

turn the brain from a negative thought machine, to a negative thought killing machine!!!!!

so here is a remaster of ulvers classic nattens madrigal. i dont usually like remasters and i dont have anything against the intentionally raw production of the original, which is really not that bad………BUT my concern is literally for hearing and ear health. you could literally damage your hearing with this album, even though it is actually very clear in terms of being able to comprehend and ingest the music. and is quite listenable!

but that high end is just so maxed out that it hurts the ear. i feel this 2014 remaster might be a bit more forgiving while jsut as listenable.

its also got demo versions of some of the tracks which is great. the demos sound great EXCEPT they dont have any vocals, and garm was truly a gifted BM singer.

it just sucks thinking that all of your life goals:  getting a good waifu, having children, and having a job to support that family that doesnt drive you to self-destructive madness, that all these goals are out of your reach. the best you can hope for is a 12 dollar an hour deadend job and then you get your outside-of-work satisfaction by smoking MJ, powerwalking, listening to podcasts and music, and dnating to 1488 causes. which are not bad things, well probably the MJ is, but you just cant stop thinking about the nice waifu and the family you want to have, but youre just too old and fooked up to be able to attain that.

ok stop those are despairing thoughts, lets replace them with righteous anger or job seraching or powerwalking or other positive thoughts or actions.

well i just came back from a 4.2 miles powewalk. listened to natt’s alcoholocaust ep 1 which wasnt as good as i expected. its just a mess and i cant even understand the bantz. i mean these are all good guys but still.

garm was 20 years old when they did nattens madrigal damn. now did he actually write the guitar riffs and such? i mean that is pretty important to me hahahaha. or was it that guy haavard who went on to do nothing special afterwards? i am sure garm knows how to handle a guitar, its really not hard, the important thing is having some sense of songwriting skill, which i never really had, and which i am sure he does.

ok i am gonna apply to this health system job, and while doing so, update my cover letter, which will add about 15 minutes or 10 to the apply time, but i have to measure this WORK somehow. because it is important, measureable, billable, measureable, timeable work that I am totally entitled to COUNT.

un fooking believeable. a super huge application, already at 45 minutes, longest ever, doing a phaggy ass personality test and intelligence test, when the internet goes out in the middle of the test. i am actually happy to do intelligence tests to prove that i am intelligent, and if it gives me like a 1 in 10 chance of getting an interview (as opposed to the usual 1 in 25 chance)….but god damn this is frustrating.

had to reboot compt to get internet connected again. i blame windows 10. 77 minutes total. a new record!

ok. assuming 15% of the job application time could be added to calculated how much time it takes to FIND the jobs (ie, going through lists, reading postings, and decided yes i should apply, vs, no way, dont even waste your time), in other words, about 2 minutes for every 13 minute application, ie 15 minutes total; and 1.5 hours spent on each interview (prob a little low tbh; we are including travel time, interview time, and im not sure about prep/study time), for 18.5 interviews, and 418 applications, we are up to  132 hours total for the entire job search. really a little LOW tbh fam. on $1716 worth of time at $13 an hor, although more realistically my price should be more like 12 an hour.

sorry i meant 419 jobs so far. please dont fire me.

so i was listening to the am grey podcast on feminism, and adams waifu said she was disturbed seeing a man and a woman holding hands where the womans hand was on top, and they used that as a powerful symbol that men are passive and not leading anymore.

i thought DAMN, the women I’ve been associated with would just DUMP ME before even GETTING to that point!!!!!

they wouldnt stick around long enough to LET that happen! they would have ALREADY dumped me for being a wimpy passive spineless doormat!

so why are these women not just walking out on these men? wouldn’t they get disgusted the first time they put their hand on top, and say, im done with you, you weak wimp?

that was what i was asking. i have been dumped for MUCH LESS. why are these women staying with these phaggots in the first place?

i cant even remember how i held hands with women, its been like 11 years since i held hands with a woman hahahaha.

saw a profile picture on soundcloud of somebody who photoshopped dat boi into the famous vietnam photo of the running people being napalmed and the little naked girl. dat boi had replaced the naked girl.

ok finally found it


YOURE WELCOME hahahahaha

updated Standard Cover Letter with Sentence explaining Employment Gap. ok there. not much more I can do about that. But I think its a small, maybe larger than small, improvement on something that was already damn good and should be more than enough to get me a 13 an hour job.

ok i swear i wont go lower than 12 an hour hahahaha.  so i guess i am at 12-13 now depending on my mood hahahaha.

good thing SHE is making like 16 an hour!

but i dont know that!

but there’s a 75% chance she is!

ok so what does it MATTER then?

because like i said 100000000000000000 times, i dont like her BEATING me at the game of life!

why not?

because i hate her proving she is BETTER than me.  because it adds INSULT TO INJURY.


because she injured me, now she is insulting me.


see now we are getting into the circular part.

yeah i know THEORETICALLY it doesnt matter.

but IN THE REAL WORLD, it ABSOLUTELY DOES MATTER how much money people make, and how women view men who make less money than they do. they view them as totally worthless and inferior.

i dont view people in those terms. but im not a woman. im not PROGRAMMED to care about status in that way!

i mean as a male i do care about ranking and hierarchy………but not in that same visceral sexual or loving way. i know what peoples status is In The Real World, but I know it has no real bearing on their worth as a person.

but it has VERY REAL BEARING on their worth in the MATING MARKET!!!!!!!!1

and the mating market is VERY important to me because one of my MAIN LIFE GOALS is to find  a good wife and have CHILDREN!!!!!!!!

so thats WHY all this shit MATTERS so much!!!!!!!

i am apparently an abuser because i notice slutty behavior and call sluts sluts. thats what abusers do. nonabusers dont have the word slut in their vocabulary hahahaha.


for sat april 15

now: sept 6 2016

sept 7 2016


yeah i have been physically not too great, mentally/emo not too great either since coming back from muh “vacation.” hehehehe. when I got back I promptly went to bed for 16 hours. the next day I was still tired and had aches and pains all over the body. i had done some lifting and carrying of stuff but it really didnt seem bad enough to produce such soreness!

also had annoying borderline water faucet colon which i usually only get in the morning after drinking a lot of coffee too fast, but here it lasted all day and that was very annoying. couldnt even enjoy a nice powerwalk without thinking im gonna shart muh pants.

have been getting sharper “carpal tunnel” pains lately. this has been going on for at least a year but the last couple days its been more noticeable. it is honestly probably enough to get me a medical MJ recommendation for “chronic pain”!!!!! not even joking.

was taking pepto bismol which usually helps with the watery #2’s, but didnt seem to help much yesterday. at the end of the day was very tired. not just low energy, but darn exhausted, even though i hadn’t done anything. slept pretty well again but could have slept longer if i hadnt forced self.

yassss got new shoes from zappos, they seem to fit well. i mean my current shoes are just terrible. they are SO worn down, but really all on one side, so the shoes are very lopsided and diagonal and that cant be good for the foot.  i mean i should have upgraded these shoes months ago. i hope i havent done permanent damage hahahaha. basically i am an overpronator and the outside of the shoe gets worn down much much much more.

but yeah i just felt like i was 80 years old hahahaha.

THANK GOD for the new shoes though. this is my typical thing though. wait way too long to replace stuff that should be replaced. or get haircut. or clothes.

honestly cant stop pooping. this is ridiculous.

new shoes feel gr8! that is awesome. very good. THANK GOD. because this is a privilege most people dont have. buying new shoes when they need them.

yeah so i wore the shoes and took a 3.2 mile walk and the shoes were great.

388 days since i sent her the last contact. i figure 400 days is a nice round number. nicer than 365. but a YEAR is a nice round period of time. why arent years 400 days hahahaha.

422 days since i last talked to her, abotu 419 days since i last SAW her.

theres a thought that I should address Muh Egregious Red Flag Employment Gap in muh cover letter. I am open to doing this.





ok. gave this one a try because i liked the cover art hahahaha. wanted to see how the production and songwriting compares to “ashes against the grain.” there seems to be more blasting in a blatant black metal style on Marrow of the spirit, so, I like that. now the SOUND on MOTS is really interesting. I think I like it, it’s definitely provocative so yeah that’s good. the drums sound a little weird and the guitars sound very “warm” and fuzzy. the whole thing sounds rawer and more underproduced than I was expecting, not in a bad way of course.

it sounds like they intentionally tried to make their sound more “raw” or “live” or “organic”, and in theory, I am always in support of this.

heh. finally applied for job. 30k county job. i prefer to apply for the 26k county jobs, but i have gotten interviewed for a 42k county job!

i want to work for you because you have a MF day shift, weekends off, no overtime, 37.5 hour work week, and bennies. so its a good fit for me because i dont handle stress or pressure well hahahahahaha. or customers. thats why i have to be high on xanax all day at work hahahahahaha.

no obviously i don’t actually often USE benzos. i brought 3 valiums with me to our little vacation, and i completely FORGOT about them. sheeeeit. they may have come in handy when i was freaking out because of the MJ! which is the entire reason I brought the valium!!!!!

i am very close to the cusp of focusing hardcore on temp/staffing agencies. recruiters for temp jobs.

because the only people that will “take a chance” on such a RISKY person as me, are the absolutely bottom of the barrel shittiest jobs that will hire ANYONE……or MAYBE jobs where the job contract is limited. temporary. finite. temp. if the person sucks, they will be gone soon.

also if i go a week without an interview, the confidence def goes down. as you get 2 or 3 rejection emails a day hahahaha.

heh. if i got rejected by WOMEN like this, I would have even less confidence hahahaha.

or maybe i just wouldnt care and would bullshit the things i am supposed to bullshit to get women to spread for muh dick hahahahahaha. maybe it would actually be EASIER.

yeah that sounds woman hating, but You Women really DO give it up to easily and don’t have the appropriate RESPECT for SECS, like your biological role in secs. I dont NEED to have as much respect for secs, because men just dump sperm. the costs and risks and responsibilities are much higher for women. RESPECT that.

ok forced my way thru 2 applications. again i am getting discouraged here so i am not applying to “reach” stuff with muh dream orgs unless they are fairly low paying…..and of course these jobs skew towards high paying.

unbelievable. company sending a pdf for me to complete…..but its not an editable pdf. they literally want me to print it out, fill it out by hand, then scan it, then send THAT pdf back. this is a fairly big company where that shit is blatantly embarrassing.

so instead I am converting the pdf to a jpg and trying to edit it in paint. not working so well. with the text boxes and shit.

this is truly a very good album!

it took me basically the whole album just to fill out that shit. using pixlr to add text boxes, rasterize, and draw little circles. unbelievable. they are looking for skills in VISIO and PROJECT which i technically have hahaha yet their goddam Talent Acquisition Team can’t make a pdf editable. absolutely disgraceful. See, I would volunteer my personal time after work to make the pdf editable so they wouldnt have to pay me for that work.

plus i get to show extreme ingenuity and cleverness and problem solving with this pdf to jpg, pixlr, jpg to pdf nonsense, hahahaha. sending them back a pdf that was 8 times larger in size than the one they sent me hahahaha.

because they couldnt do any of this with plain text, saying, answer all of these questions in your reply email. nooooooo that would be too easy.

or god forbid have something in the taleo applicant tracking system THEY ALREADY HAVE AND USE.

but yeah. then they wanted me to explain in the REPLY EMAIL any Gaps in the past 7 years, and also all Reasons For Separation in the past 7 years. I guess I should be glad they didnt ask for 20 years!

but this implies they are gonna read the email……so why demand the shitty, shitty pdf as well?

just to make shit more difficult and weed out the weak.

so I will be PISSED if this doesnt result in an interview.

i added an extra 20 minutes to the spreadsheet for the amount of time it took to apply for this job.

thinking SEARS might be a better place than jcpenneys for me hahahaha.

just looking for t-shirts that have like STRIPES or patterns or some shit, that is not a damn “graphic tee.”

something that is more interesting than just a solid color t shirt, which is what i usually wear, but that is kinda boring!

interesting. what gets me most worked about That Woman is not really thoughts of her spending time and being nice to other men, and loving them and cuddling with them, but really the more x rated stuff, like her sucking dick, fooking her, her sitting on their face and them licking her asshole, hahahahahahahaha. banging her from behind, banging her from the front, tongue in the mouth, her sighing and breathing heavy and getting juice all over. that real porno stuff, which isnt even all porno stuff, but actual real life secs stuff. that is what gets me angery.

that is the sort of stuff that gets me all hot and bothered!

anyway of course i should not be thinking about it at all.

but yeah i have no interest in other women. occasionally i will see a young qt i want to bang but not super often. and i would STILL want to bang HER moar!!!!!!

stupid shit really.

basically i cant ever imagine WANTING another woman as much as her, and also that i will never STOP wanting her!

i mean yeah it has gotten better. and yeah i DID eventually stop wanting those other women. it just took like 2 years hahahaha. and it hasnt been 2 years with this woman yet.

just no interest in women other than to maybe opportunistically bang unmarriageable sluts. great. and never fully exorcise the memory of HER. because I always got along with HER best, we had the most special best connection.

yeah well if it was so good, how come she couldnt even send me a damn text message and just say awwwww im sorry ok now im blocking you sorry.

or have her family or our mutual friend send that message to me for her.

but yeah that connection! even if it was just for me. how am I ever gonna feel that way about someone else ever again? and that is what I WANT to feel for muh wife, the mother of muh children!

yeah it def was the worst heartbreak.

the OBVIOUS ANSWER to how do i forget about HER is……….MEET NEW WOMEN!!!!!!!!!! THE TIME HAS COME where I NEED to MEET NEW WOMEN!!!!!!!!

of coursh I have never ever really liked meeting new people. it is not fun. men or women.

some people, normies and chads, actually LIKE meeting new people and think its FUN.

i have no interest in meeting people unless its a young woman and they are qt and seem NICE.

how hard is it to be nice? not very, but many people seem to think so.

hearing about this guys GF who is like 19 years old and NOBODY likes her. she has “no personality”.

i thought, so what if she has “no personality,” That Woman didn’t have much of a personality, usually if a woman has a strong personality, that means she’s bitchy and obnoxious. no thank you. just have a not-strong personality and be nice. be pleasant. i’m thinking this young girl is both no personality AND not really nice or pleasant either. jeeeez. how unpleasant do you have to be as a 19 year old gurl to have nobody like you??!?!?!?! also I have heard she is not terribly good looking either.

meanwhile i found, once upon a time, a nice, qt, woman that everybody liked because she was NICE and had a GOOD personality.

with men its harder. you have to have an ACTUAL personality, and NOT Just Be Nice. i guess I cant be mad about that, thats just nature.

dramatic breakup story, he cant get over ex, who blocked him, but they had their problems, also she talked to him a lot more and prob would have been willing to give him some closure

spet 9

well i have learned from /r/relships/ that women indeed have some agency and are not to be regarded as total BABIES.

(every single attractive young woman on linkedin is a GOD DAMN RECRUITER.)

anyway, not to get off on a tangent, basically, the leftist scum of reddit insists that women are not powerless infants and indeed they DO have some responsibilities. well of COURSE they would think that tho! they like powerful independent wimmin!

but yeah you hear stories where women actually do stuff, put in an effort, or in some cases, stalk the guy, or get needy or clingy, texting the guy, getting jealous, getting heartbroken. i guess its nice to know that women are CAPABLE of this!

or just basically that they are willing to talk to you when they are dumping you and to say sorry and to be conscious that them dumping you is gonna hurt you and they are making some token effort to mitigate some of that hurt!

also the idea that the solution is pretty obvious (dump that b and run away!!!!) and the Bad Guy is pretty obvious.

i just hate being the Bad Guy because I couldnt understand Space.

but i dont think it was that simple either. i think any mature person would say SPACE ISNT AN EXCUSE TO AVOID DEALING WITH THE SITUATION. SPACE ISNT AN EXCUSE TO NEVER COMMUNICATE.

i think i already made that a post title. or something very close to it hahahaha.

so basically when a woman has secs quickly, she is saying “MY VALUES ARE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THAN YOURS.”  so maybe its a stage. but why should the stage be like 10 years long or 15 years or whatever? thats a pretty long stage. too long for me.

ok applied for us army job. they have a big facility which employs a lot of people in the area with damn good 35k jobs like this one.

an open relationship will NEVER work if BOTH people dont agree about wanting it. period. it HAS to be completely mutual and UNANIMOUS.

of course at least 80% of Breakups are not unanimous, but they dont need to be. it would be nice if they were!


welp at 399 jobs now, should prob make the big 400th a good one. i think we decided not too long ago to make 500 the new goal.

i mean i have a hard time with jobs. bullshitting my way and figuring out what to do in tough confusing situations. figuring out how to do and handle my job. figuring out how to fix problems and what to say to frustrated customers who are counting on me to fix their problem…….and i really dont know what im doing. i feel incompetent because I AM incompetent and its inherently stressful to try to serve people when you ARE incompetent. because you ABSOLUTELY do not feel free to make mistakes or fail, because someone is basically gonna insult your intelligence.

in school it was ok to make mistakes, because only your grade suffered, and only a little bit, and you could always ask questions without being bitched at and treated like someone who should be fired.

how did that woman do it? oh yeah she just went with the flow. great advice, you horrible person hahahahahaha.

fookin captain obvious. fookin captain obviously easier said than done. jeeeeeez.

also reading /r/rels you see how FLAKY women are. they will just give up on you for the stupidest shittiest reasons and there is nothing you can do about it. because you have to respect their wishes that they dont care about you any more and dont want to do anything to work on things.

where do you go for nondegenerate dating advice? actually /r/rels is pretty good…..BUT they are degen on things like open rels, or being a SLUT. i guess I am just happy that they view Cheating as a Bad Thing. but yeah they dont view having a Super Promiscuous Slut Past as being a bad thing. when it totally is.

and i dont want to go to a christian thing, again. because I want YOU to understand why being a slut is wrong, not just because of muh good book or muh jeebus. which are all great things mind you, but it honestly seems………MORALLY LAZY!!!!!! to have muh jeebus be your answer to all moral questions.

but i dont like atheists. but do i like a devout blind faith type person better than an atheist? probably.

ideal would be a person like me: someone who wants to have faith but is just filled with tons of doubt.

and a woman who just thinks casual sex is GROSS or SLUTTY, and SLUTTY is BAD. I dont wanna be an icky gross SLUT. SLUTS ARE GROSS, she says. I would never want to be gross like that.

and she said that! she had an appropriate sense of DISGUST and DISDAIN 4 SLUTS!!!!

if i even have to mansplain it…….that stuffing a guys dick in your mouf and babymaker, who you dont even know this guy, you just met him a few days ago…if i have to mansplain why that is disgusting, then you are too far gone.

and 90% of women are too far gone hahahahahaha.

might have a little nyquil today, go for walk after, go to bed early.

called this auto service place for recall notice and actually got scheduled to get that fixed. so that was an accomplishment hahaha.

heh. you know how some people “break up” but theyre not really “borken up” because they are still hanging out, fooking, texting hahahaha. sometimes even the gurl initiates, decides she doesnt want to be totally done with the guy, and presents herself to be fooked. can’t say that happened to me hahahaha.

basically, if she had ANY desire to talk to me……..SHE WOULD HAVE.


but its easy to think they aren’t, when you have a case where the woman does ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. you think, are ALL women like that? I HOPE not all women are like that!!!!!!!! but i dont know enough women to tell. so then its GOOD to read these stories and anecdotes.

AYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I have just gone from a floundering seal to a baby seal on SwC poker hahahahaha. this is a YUGE deal, its taken me like 2 years to get to this point.






This illustrates the idiom that if you wrestle with a pig, you both get covered in mud, but the pig enjoys it.

heheheh reading a comment on the argument between laurie penny and david starkey

all i know is that laurie penny is a Hip Millennial Feminist Journalist SJW who is the new voice of fourth wave millennial feminism and encourages women to fight the patriarchy through non capitalist means.

who i only know because MUH LADDIE MW talks about her sometimes and says he kinda wants to bang her and commenters poke Loving Fun at him because of that. well i can also understand the desire to bang sex-positive (slut) SJW feminists so long as they are somewhat cute. penny should be cuter but i am desperate enough that i would give her 1 bang. she is better looking than lena dunham at least……but thats not saying much.

yesterday was rough, was thinking about that person all day.  mainly that i betrayed her. i was the bad guy. it was my fault. i was to blame. because i betrayed her. i dont think i betrayed her, but i betrayed her anyway. unwillingly, unconsciously.

so…..i betrayed her by liking her, or by Not Telling Her?

well i DID ultimately tell her. just not right away.

but i DID start sending signals right away.

she noticed the signals because she responded by pulling away.

but did she know what the signals MEANT? i dont know.

i would feel better if she felt betrayed simply by me liking her, because……i couldnt do anything about that. you cant choose who you like.

or did she feel betrayed by me not telling her? because THAT, unlike the previous, i DID have CONTROL over, so it would be more my fault.

yeah well couldnt she see i was going crazy? i was not intentionally trying to hide something from her! i was intentionally trying to tell her something that she was not open to hearing at all! she made it very difficult to have a damn conversation with her, so the best i could do was signals!

it might be more of a “betrayal” if i refused to give signals! but i couldnt not give signals! bottling this up was driving me crazy and causing tension!

so it was more of my responsibility of me to say “WE NEED TO TALK” than it was her responsibility to say “you are being all weird, do you want to talk about something?”

i mean what could i say? i promise to never bottle something important up for months?

why cant she promise to hang out with me when i want to hang out for months and months?

because i was being weird. she wouldnt hang otu with me because i was being weird, and i was being weird because she wouldnt hang out with me. it always leads back to a goddamn vicious circle.

also i came to her and apologized profusely, im sorryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy i didnt tell you earlier, i was trying to, it was causing me a lot of stress, it was making me act weird and you noticed that. i WANTED to tell you! yes i SHOULD have told you earlier.

but she never really apologized to me and, well maybe a teensy bit she did, but she STILL didnt want to make an effort to talk or work on things.


i dunno. all our talking was done via facebook message, and texting, and instant message chatting. why couldnt we just meet one on one like we used to?

well i think once or twice she said sorry for being so distant, cuz she did have some family stuff. i said i would be there to support her with that, and that i hate pushing her to hang out, but i miss you. and she said we will hang out soon.

thats kinda the main reason i never Blurted It Out, because i was delusional that we would hang out soon!

heh. now i wish i hadnt deleted all those chats from the job. cuz i cant remember what happened anymore, i dont know whats real and what im imagining.

i had a dream where i was cuddling a woman that was NOT HER. i took that as a victory!

well, not really cuddling, but close to cuddling. she was sitting close to me and was being warm and friendly to me. good sign.

well shit. i am SORRY. yeah i should have just wrote her more emails when she was still talking to me. i couldnt hang out with her because of stuff with her family. so that automatically makes me the bad guy. but i know she hung out with other people during that time! she was just blowing me off cuz i was on the outs.

i dunno. i just wish she could have been more understanding of me, and nicer to me, and not hated me for liking her, and agreed to hang out with me even once, or replied to my emails even once. i am in a damn phase where i want to contact her again but i know i shouldnt, its been like 100 days.

yes i apologized to her for being insensitive to her family thing.

but she thought these were Just Words. but maybe they were!

well i was genuinely concerned about her family, but i was also genuinely concerned about our relship failing and that things were getting worse between us.

but it was my fault things were getting worse, because i wasnt telling the full story about my feelings.

i was mad at her for onyl giving signals but i was only giving signals too.

well what i needed to say took a lot of courage and i wanted to say it in person. she told me we would hang out soon and i was foolish enough to believe her, even when we hadnt hung out in months.

this is when it gets really fuzzy and confusing and circular.

well……you think if she had ANY feelings towards me, it would have worked out like this? fook no! she would have said yes lets hang out so we can talk; or she would have said youre sending me signals like you like me, is this true, because i might like you too. or when i disappeared from the job she would have responded to me. or when i wrote 4 huge emails she would have responded to me. or that she would have been “WARMER” to me instead of colder. i was weird warm, she was weird cold. if she liked me, maybe she would have been weird warm. she probably wouldnt have been cold like she was.

so, in short, she totally didnt return the feelings, she might be misunderstanding on me “BETRAYING” her, but shes not misunderstood on not liking me back, if she liked me, she would have been WARM and OPEN, rather than COLD and CLOSED.

SHIT. if she was WILLING to not get out of the relship, she would have been warm and open and willing to talk and communicate. she would have said we need to talk, or lets hang out (becuase i want to talk.) and i would have said hell yeah lets do that ASAP.


ive never BEEN in this situation. where i begged somebody to respond and they never responded.

so yeah maybe she’s NOT the best person for me…..but i cant see myself getting feelings like that for anyone else. or for things to be as good as it was with her when things were good between me and her and she actually cared about me.

I was like the cowardly lion: kind but cowardly. she was like the wicked witch: coulda been a wee bet kinder.

actually if she was like the cowardly lion it would have been ok: cuz she was kinda cowardly too, just cowardly and mean. if she was cowardly and kind, like me, she prob would have been more willing and open and more likely to respond to a damn email.

slow to anger, quick to kindness hahahahaha. wouldnt automatically assume i was BETRAYING her. maybe read the situation differently. situational awareness, emotional intelligence hahaha. she would say, i bet this is hard for him too. why dont i listen to him and what he has to say. WE SHOULD PROBABLY NOT TALK ABOUT THIS AT WORK. maybe next time he asks me to hang out i will say yes, or if i can’t, i will say, well i cant hang out this day, but lets plan for this day instead. and then stick to it. and then see how he acts. see if it looks like he wants to tell me something, or is trying to make out with me lol

or when he sends me an emotional email saying we need to communicate, i feel like i am losing you, i can respond to it and say yes lets communicate. lets get away from this stressful work environment and go somewhere peaceful and quiet where we can really talk for a while. a restaurant, one of our houses, a park. but not in this god damn office. somewhere away from here. yes i want to figure this out too. lets get to the bottom of this. theres some kind of elephant in the room here.

sheeeit. when my male friend wanted to talk to me about what had happened he invited me to his house and we had a good solid talk for 90 minutes, a nice solid heart to heart talk where i explained everything, he shared some personal things with me, i shared some personal things with him. he actually “blew me off” once because he got sick, but then we set a date after that and made it happen. i knew he wanted to talk and i wanted to talk too.

she didnt want to talk, she just wanted me out of her life, or to stop being weird. well i couldnt just turn off the feelings i had. IF I COULD, I WOULD!!!!!!!!!!!! and saved myself all this misery and devastation!!!!!!

did a 5 miler, it was nice outside. couldnt even listen to anything, was busy ruminating ie barrelling right through the middle of the pain like a rogue elephant. like a white gorilla.

i determined that i couldnt have betrayed her. because me getting feelings is not really betrayal.

betrayal is when you do something and think boy if she found out about this shitty hurtful thing she would be mad and hurt!

loving someone is not betraying them. it might be betraying your wife or whatever if you have one, but i certainly didnt, dont.

yeah i could have told her earlier, but she also could have been a LOT NICER.


i didnt expect a nice person like her to be so not nice to me when the rel ended.

i guess it wasnt THAT unexpected if i looked at the signs: she was getting ever more distant, so the LOGICAL CONCLUSION there is that she just cuts all ties. gets ever further distant.

but she might be the type of woe is me, blame the world type of professional victim. so she had to make me the boogeyman, scapegoat, bad guy: get mad at me and blame me.

which was a DOUBLE WHAMMY for me, because when someone gets mad at me, i say, im sorry, i didnt mean to disappoint you, please please forgive me, i will take all the blame.

i have no hesitation in admitting when im wrong………in fact, i will admit im wrong even when im not!!!!!!!!!! like in this case! i flip flop from being angry and disappointed in her, to blaming myself for pushing her away.


but yeah when someone makes me the bad guy, esp somebody i Luv, thats double whammy for me, cuz i fooking BELIEVE them and feel horrible.

so whyd she make me the bad guy?

cuz it was convenient. expedient. EASY. EASY WAY OUT.

so when she saw me acting weird, it was WAY EASIER to BLAME ME as a weird bad guy than to think hes acting weird becuase he likes me and GOD FORBID WE TALK ABOUT IT, that would be AWKWARRRRRRDDDDDDD. god forbid they do anything awkward towards Healing A Broken Relationship.


yeah i just thought she cared about me more. she used to really care about me. i liked being cared for by her. i liked being a special person to her. then that totally got turned off. she was not willing to talk, not willing to not throw me away, not willing to end the rel cordially, etc.

i dunno. i kinda want HER to go through some pain because i have gone through a WORLD of pain. im not gonna cause the pain for her of course. i just want her to feel pain at the loss of an important relationship to her. i want to matter to her and be important to her and so she is sad when i am gone.

but yeah EVERYTHING was too one sided. i was the only one with feelings, i was the only one who wanted to talk, wanted to try, wanted to communicate, wanted to end things cordially, only one who got hurt, only one who has trouble getting over it.

wawawawawawaw i wanted to be more important to her, that it would take her a while to get over me, but she’s already forgotten about me like she was some common whore and Our Special Rel never even happened wawawawawaw

its like shit we were once close, and now we are DONE, and i am hurting and miss you, i wish you could hurt a little and miss me too! and that would make you want to say sorry for hurting me so much hahaahha

i took at half dose of nyquil, o great.

yeah jsut feel that life is too much to deal with, cant do jobs, cant get women.



had stupid dream with The Woman but it wasnt as horrible as it could have been. the main thing i remember is my leg touching her leg because i was trying to indicate interest but she was not interested. the other main thing was that she was being actively bitchy to me. not just cold and distant, but she appeared to sadistically enjoy busting my balls. like yeah im gonna enjoy being mean to this loser. i also kept chasing after her trying to have a conversation that lasted more than 30 seconds, becuase “WE NEED TO TALK.” but she kept leaving after 30 seconds of small talk, usually busting my balls. eventually i caught up to her and frantically said we need to talk, i have something i want to talk to you about.

that was about it. in real life she was cold and distant but not actively mean, if that makes any sense. she would still do small talk with me, but she was at least pretending to be nice when she did it, i could see hints of the Good Old version of her, which of course gave me false hope.

my new theory on “how could she do this” in addition to “easy way out”, is that she HAD to make me The Bad Guy in order to justify doing this. gonna treat him like a piece of shit because he IS a piece of shit. so in other words i could never convince her otherwise. her mind is made up. now why exactly im a piece of shit ill never know, but probably it has to do with her feeling Betrayed and or Horrified. she feels Betrayed that her friend could be harboring these “secret feelings” all the while. it wasnt all the while, i was very clear to mention, but she prob didnt read that. she was building up her own fantasy where i was the total bad guy who was sleazily scheming to get close to her and eventually get with her.  so she was totally deluded; i wasnt betraying her or stabbing her in the back. i wasnt scheming to do anything but damn talk to her as soon as possible!

it DOESNT HAVE To make sense. she is a woman hahahaha. not particularly Emotionally Intelligent. not particularly Empathic. she never said well maybe he just likes me, and when men and women are friends for a while, its not uncommon for one person to get feelings, its nobodys FAULT.  no, its i was the bad piece of shit betrayer who doesnt deserve to be let down easy. send him a message.

so yeah i dont like it! cuz im not the bad guy! and i dont like being thought of as a Bad Guy by someone i loved!

so that means shes gonna tell her friends and family what a horrible piece of shit i am. that i….betrayed her by secretly wanting her.

i mean if she THOUGHT ABOUT IT FOR 2 SECONDS, she could see how ridiculous this is. i didnt start acting weird until october or so. and she didnt start denying me Hangouts before then. before then everything was all good. and then i started acting weird and wanting to hang out. GEE I WONDER WHY. also if she could put herself in my position and say when have i ever had one sided feelings for someone? oh very recently thats right. and what did it feel like? oh it was painful and heartbreaking. what did i do? oh i tried to hang out with them and talk to them about it. more likely i succeeded in hanging out with them and showing this physically thru Fooking and Sucking, didnt need to have a talk about it, because talking just messes everything up, fooking and sucking says all that needs to be said hahahahahaha.

but yeah she needs to view me as the bad guy in order to treat me like the bad guy. no wonder then, that for a long time i FEEL like a bad guy! and constantly blame myself for being the bad guy! because thats how shes treating me!!!!

heh. she is the one who has been in a long term rel for 5 years yet she cant even take 10 seconds to do an EMpathy Exercise, or think Second LEvel THinking about this. that i might not be the bad guy, that i just eventually got feelings and wanted to talk about them, and the more we didnt talk, the weirder and more anxious i got.

she thought i was the bad guy betrayer and she was totally mistaken.

i was simply in luv with her, and i was not mistaken at all. that was totally honest.

getting feelings for someone isnt BETRAYING them! but i cant convince her of that. of COURSE i wrote a few good paragraphs about this to her. but of course shes not gonna believe The Bad Guy!

but i think if she tells the story honestly to others, they would say, well he wasnt trying to betray you, he obviously got feelings for you and wanted to talk to you about it, but you wouldnt really let him, you stopped hanging out. i mean he CHANGED didnt he? if he hadnt changed in his outward behavior, that would be more of a betrayal, cuz he would be pretending something other than the truth. he was obviously worried an anxious about this. he wasnt pretending to be your friend and secretly having feelings.

but women can use the Hamster to convince themselves of ANYTHING, so she could well believe that i was a Weak Beta Orbiter that whole damn 2 years, lying to her. when i wasnt. but she might paint this picture to her friends and family. this is stupid and unfair and i kind of liked her family.

OR i could just be wrong and her primary emotion is not “ive been betrayed by this evil coward!” but “im confused and overwhelmed and i am gonna shut down because its the easy way out.”

so then at this time she may still be confused but not willing to sort the emotions out because its too much work, to apologize is too much work, still wants to take easy way out, pretend i never existed.  there is probably a complicated stew of emotions including betrayal, and confusion, and horrified, in the sense of o god please tell me he doesnt like me, it kinda seems like it now, o god that would be horrible. she might have been in denial about that, same was i was in denial about “oh yeah shell hang out and well talk eventually.”

also women move on from things a lot quicker. this could have to do with them having a biological clock, OR they are used to the process of Processing Men, OR they dont really DEAL with anything, they just avoid it and push it under the rug and try to forget about it. or a combination of all that.

anyway. i am entitled to MY feelings, and she is entitled to HER feelings. whatever they may be. i am entitled to feel devastated and heartbroken, she is entitled to feel Betrayed. even if that is RIDICULOUS. WAY more ridiculous than me being in luv with her!

betrayal is when…..shit who cares. theres arguments for and against why she could view what i did as a betrayal. i will never know what she actually thinks, and it doesnt really MATTER, other than me overanalysing it trying to figure out “how could she do this?” one day in the distant future i will hopefully just stop caring. but this is part of me processing it. i have to plow right through the middle of it all, suffer all the suffering.

so maybe she didnt think i was THE BAD GUY. maybe she did.

another thing that bothers me is ill never know if she Read Muh Emailz. they explained my side of the story pretty well and addressed all the shit i worry about here: the ideal of betrayal, when everything happened, a timeline, explanation of my motives, stupid apoligies, asking her “could there ever be a chance of you and me”, pointing out that i wasnt hiding shit from her, that i wanted to talk but tension built up the longer we didnt talk; how and when my feelings started; appealing to the Good Times and the close connection; me asking why are you so offended by this; opening the door to future contact, i will always be willing to talk, but also saying the ball is in your court; and begging please respond hahahaha. these 3-4 emails were an epic journey, quite a lot going on there. im sure made her overwhelmed all over again hahahaha and its EASIER just not to respond ever.

but yeah i just want to know she READ it rather than just blocked them or deleted them without reading. those emails were the only way i could communicate what i wanted to communicate, and i will never know if she even read them!!!!!

and i just have to live with that.

yeah feel the feelings. i am just very heartbroken that an Important Relationship Of My Life ended in such a stupid, hurtful, painful way.

so what hurts more? me with the pain of heartbreak, or her with the ridiculous invalid pain of “being betrayed?”

i am gonna go with the heartbreak hahahaha.

also maybe because she had been betrayed by a guy recently, she automatically saw anything weird that happened with a guy as a BETRAYAL. but dont get it twisted honey. i didnt cheat on you. you werent in love with me. i was in love with you and you treated me like i was a horrible person. come on. getting feelings isnt inherently horrible. it is almost inevitable when a man and a woman are friends for long enough.  sure its uncomfortable and awkward but its not HORRIBLE.

however this is a sophisticated nuance that requires great Emotional Intelligence to recognize. and like all intelligence, men have more emotional intelligence than women, even if women are more Emotional than men. they’re just not smart about it though! they miscommunicate and dont communicate and dont think about the emotions and what they mean, where they come from, what other emotions and thoughts might be under them, and also what emotions the other people are having. empathy.

nope. its just i have my simple story of what i think he was thinking, and thats it. no discussion, just straight dumping.

never read the emails where he actually explains what he is thinking and feeling, cuz they are too long and creepy, because he’s the bad guy here, im the good guy, and i dont have to learn a damn thing about Communication, Emotional Intelligence, or RElationships.  nope.

well i learned a decent amount even if she learned nothing.

well its not like she is BAD at relationships. she just needs to be invested in them and then she can make them last. but she was not invested with me!!! and i thought she would be. that she would be invested enough to not take the easy way out. guess i was wrong. hahahaha.

i just hate feeling like the bad guy. i never had so much self blame as i do now. with other Heartbreaks i was able to make THEM the bad guy and i was fine with that! (even though in the long run its no ones FAULT really, they just dont have the feelings, and its NICE of them to try to let you down easy, they dont HAVE To do that, as we have seen!.

but yeah when they TREAT you like a bad guy, you FEEL like a bad guy, and think wow damn i must have done something that was absolutely HORRIBLE! i am a horrible person and dont even know it! and all my life i have tried NOT to be a horrible person! yet i still end up being one!

anyway i still want her and her long legs and big thighs and pale white skin and big white ass and Nice Mouth and pretty hair and pretty face and nice skin and didnt dress like a 2 dollar whore with whoreclothes and clown make up wawawawawawawawawawaw. ok time for a 4.4 miler.

why she do this to me hahahahaha. wawawawawawaw.

every day i have to fight off urges to contact her. becuase i think she made the wrong decision. we are each entitled to our Emotions, but her emotion that i Betrayed her is Just Wrong. but i dont know for a fact that she feels that way, or just an undifferentiated emotion stew that she never bothered to analyze.

yeah i mean i was pushy annoying desperate and weird to her, at a hard time in her life. not my proudest moment.

but she would rather throw away 2 good years than have ONE HOUR of conversation? i will always be butthurt by that!

and yeah i still want her. i want to be with her. “only wanna be with u” by hootie and the blowfish hahahaha. that would be my theme song for her.

but what would i say that hasnt been said already? i said 90% of this in the 4 emails.

hahahaha maybe i should resend the emails plus a new email, from a brand new email address which she hasnt blocked.

and again, i dont know if she’s BLOCKED email, or just deletes it as soon as she sees it

well she has sent the clear message that she doesnt want to talk to me. period. sooooooo sending her shit saying please respond is just useless.

and you can’t MAKE somebody do something. cant MAKE them love you, cant MAKE them respond to you, cant MAKE them hang out with you, cant MAKE them communicate with you.

well sure you can! you can say “please just do me a favor here. for the sake of our friendship just bite the bullet and do this one thing for me.” and then they can still refuse because they blocked that email hahahaha.

or my drinking friend, i can say “just DO ME A FAVOR, dont drink in front of me”, and then he will respect my wishes, and then say WELP i gotta go put some clothes in the dryer, be back in 2 minutes, chugalug chugalug, hahahahaha. but as long as hes not doing it in front of me thats better.

so she didnt want to do me that favor. because she blocked my email. well i dont know that though. the only thing i know she blocked was facebook.

note: never once did i stalk her or bombard her with messages or do anything commonly associated with blocking.

and usually its the dumped that blocks the dumper. and she was def the dumper and i was the dumped.


so if i send her an email from a new email then i can be sure she wont block it. i cant be sure she’ll READ it, in fact, she probably wont. she’ll see long emails from someone who’s clearly me and then delete them and block THAT email. and if she thinks im the bad guy, that wont change that at all.

and if she doesnt think im the bad guy? she might start to think im the bad guy. i mean creating a new email to send her an email she doesnt have immediately blocked is pretty DESPERATE.

but i Own My Desperation hahahaha. i was desperate because somebody i luved was separating from me and eventually abandoned me, and i didnt want them to. who among you has never been desperate when you were losing the one you loved hahahaha.

its sad and STUPID. i cant tell her how stupid shes being hahahaha. well she is entitled to her STUPID emotions that are a WRONG assessment of me.

so now im abusive because im caller her stupid. because i dont RESPECT her decision to throw me away like trash for something i didnt actually do, and she wont give me a chance to defend myself.

but remember i cant PROVE that she feels betrayed. i can just infer or deduce.

so i should take the easy way out myself and just pick the one thats easier for me to live with? or the one that by occams razor seems the most reasonable explanation? dont complicate or overthink it hahahaha.

also say she feels betrayed and sees me as a monster. i can still see that she is an ok person who just did a shitty think. i have a more nuanced and balanced fair and balanced view of her hahahaha whereas she wrongly sees me as a total monster.

but we dont know she thinks of me like that.

why do i care.

becuase you CARE what people you LOVE think of you!!!!!!

was it unreasonable of me to LOVE her? well KIND OF but also not really! it would be unreasonable of me to fall in luv with her after just a few weeks or month. but to Eventually Get Feelings after a Period of Friendhsip, no i dont think thats unreasonable. it doesnt make you a monster. but she thought i had the feelings all along. well i dont KNOW what she thought!!!!!!

but yeah 3 months later and i still wish i could convince her to Love me and change her mind.

well she didnt say yes, she didnt say MAYBE, she said NO.

well she didnt say ANYTHING! but if she meant MAYBE, she probably would have SAID “MAYBE.”

yeah this obvious message is a door slammed in your face, that means NO, it doesnt mean MAYBE.

but yeah i dont understand why she did it so damn hatefully. i didnt deserve to be treated like that. just tell me no, that a lot better. its amazing what a big difference the communication makes.

ok did a nice 4.5 miler.

shit. you gotta have a MASTERS DEGREE just to be a damn SECRETARY and make 15 DAH. 30 grand a year.

or you can work tech support call center hahahahahahhahahaha. fook id almost rather get a damn useless masters degree.

shit. so. i remember the good times and use them to ignore the bad times. she remembers only the bad times and uses them to forget the good times.

if she could remember the good times maybe she would want to be with me wawawawaw.

so thats why i wish i could contact her, to remind her of the good times. BUT she obviously doesnt want to talk to me or hear from me. i cant change her mind.  she used to be very sensible for a woman, i didnt expect her to be THIS emtionally retarded.

i mean yeah i guess ill get over this eventually but its gonna take SUCH A LONG TIME.

it TAKES such a long time because she was a very important person in my life and i had Very Deep Feelings for her.

so i was wrong for GETTING such deep feelings for her.

yeah a LITTLE bit.  i dont think it was wrong to get SOME feelings for somebody after you really got to know and trust them.

but to go for months and months continuing to fall deeper and deeper in luv, that was my mistake. make an effort not to luv them more than they luv you. i should have said at the BEGINNING of it all,


Uh Oh. i think im starting to get feelings for you. we need to discuss this NOW, because if we dont, its just gonna get worse and worse and destroy my life. so what do you think. could you ever like me too.

well for woman2012 i got feelings for her (a little too quickly) and the feelings continued for 3 fookng YEARS before she caught on and i told her.  and i did not go crazy and have a meltdown after 10 months hahahaha.

well that was partially because the stress level in my life was much much much much lower. my job was much less stressful. i was not so anxious, moreso just lazy and despairing.

so yeah i guess it CAN go on forever if you dont have a lot of stress in your life. but really i was not happy about wasting those 3 years. i would MUCH rather “waste” ten months than 3 years.

also i was much closer and friendlier with w15 than w12. so i probably had deeper feels/luv for w15 than w12. and i had pretty legit feels for w12!!!!

so uhhhhh lesson learned, if you have a LOT of stress in you life because of your stupid job, and now you are starting to stress out about your female friend who works at that job too……you will have a damn nervous breakdown after 10 months hahahahahahaha so blurt it out in the first 3 months.

it was two very stresful situations colliding!!! worlds collide! worlds of horrible anxious stress!

so yeah i was stupid for falling too deep in luv too fast. a SMALL CRUSH would have been acceptable. but to fall HARD in LUV was TOO MUCH.

and i was stupid for not telling her earlier.

but no i just bottled it up and got desperate. and i let myself continue to be anxious and desperate when i could have just blurted the shit out right then and there. becuase i was that much of a coward.

and she was a coward too. and yes she did overreact considering my “Crime.” GOD help me if i ever think she didnt overreact. i fight that feel every day. oh god it was all my fault, she didnt overreact, she treated me like i deserved for being a damn horrible coward and weirdo and horrible weak loser.




shit. the best rel i ever had with a woman has ended in the worst possible way, and she did not have to do that. so yeah i fee sorta betrayed in that i never expected her to do something so harsh to me. try a little tenderness hahahaha. kinda adds to my “women are twofaced” “stereotype” hahahahaha.

the women i “pseudodated” who i much less significant “rels” with, dumped me in MUCH better ways.

and she is a better person that to do something like this. this is just ridiculous. worst dumping EVER for me. i cannot take much more of this! i realllllllllllllly did not need this at this time! not ever but especially not now! at this age, after so much failure, with the woman i was closest with ever.

its “fine” she didnt return muh feelings, she just didnt have to reject me in THAT WAY! pleaseeeeeee TRY to let me down easier than THAT! i did not do anything to deserve THAT! does she WANT to make me hate her???!?!?! i am this close to being a MIsogynist Woman Hater anyway! i WANT to hate women LESS, not MORE!!!!!!!

maybe she does want me to hate women. maybe she just wants me to hate HER so i stay away from her forever. yeah well thats stupid. a lot of guys would harass or stalk you. but not me! i say yep you can ruin my life and break my heart and i will just send you 1 email per 10 days, 3 emails, and thats it.  what a good guy. other guys would get drunk and beat and raep her, slash tires, show up unannounced, etc. but not me! nope i just sit here broken hearted, came to shit but only farted hahahahaha.

damn. she was muh friend because i thought she was a NAWALT woman. now she has done such terrible shit to me that i have to force myself to say NAWALT NAWALT NAWALT NAWALT even tho i thought she was the best nawalt ever! and i know shes not really a huge btich but she is capable of being a huge bitch and i am Just So Hurt that she was a huge bitch to ME who used to be one of her good friends.  and imho getting feelings isnt a hostile thing that you should punish like this. you absolutely will not be able to be “just friends” anymore, but its not a damn CRIME thats punishable by treating the person who got feelings HORRIBLY. Its just not a horrible crime!!!!

anyway. it just amazes and shocks me that peopel can be so comfortable with their bodies that the NORM is for people to have casual sex.  including her hahahaha. i just want to find a woman who doesnt like casual sex hahahaha. and who wont reject me.

well they can reject me but reject me NICELY hahahaha.

she was kind of inexperienced at dumping men, i think mainly she got dumped, or had mutual agreements to end a rel. so she just hasnt had enough Dumping Experience to know how to Do It Well!

what would the voice of reason say. that yep this sucks, did not see this coming, you didnt deserve this, she shoulda handled it better, yeah so thought it was cool she was not a huge whore, but she still treated you like shit and you deserve better, chin up, somebody better will come along.

hahahaha or how about she was a 10 and most other women are a 0 and maybe one day i can hope to get a 5 hahahahahaha.

damn. did another 4.2 miler.

i just cant get over this, this is HORRIBLE. i want her so bad, after 2.5 months. yeah its gotten better, the time and distance has been ok, but shit. the pain is still right there.

it doesnt help that theres the crushing loserdom and derpression (“DESPAIR”) as well.

just feel like i can do NOTHING and i will fail at every job and every interview and every woman, and i am sick of being a huge failure too. literally the only thing i can do successfully is write here, and walk 8 miles a day hahaha.

but other than that? NOTHING. if she had “just” liked me back muh whole life would be diff wawawaawaaw. we could get married and have kidz and cuddle erry day hahaha. but noooooooo.

maybe i am just having a bad day. some days think yeah i will get over it but it will just take time. today i just feel dead as fook.

she didnt technically KILL me, she was a great distraction from the loserness and patheticness of my life, and now shes gone, thats all i got. she was my main ray of sunshine. well she was up until like 7 months ago hahaha. it is so hard just to survive. i have no idea how i am gonna rebuild muh life. get a new job, ever make another female friend, etc.

stuff like this makes me want to contact her! i mean whats the worst that could happen? her not respond? shit i know theres a 99% chance she wont respond! its that 1% chance im hoping for.

how would it have been different if she had dumped me in a good way?

shit i think it would be HALF as bad at least. i would know she didnt hate me;

i would blame myself less;

i could hate her more easily and conveniently and make her the villain

but yeah.

well why is it important that she doesnt HATE me? well because she damn seemed like she hated me, and i didnt do anything worth hating me forever over!

she was too much, the job was too much, her at the job was too much. if they had been seperated i would have handled each thing a lot better.

i mean i guess i still can hate her.

and i only blame myself a minority of the time.

but yeah i miss having a female friend.

but she stopped being my friend long ago!

but i didnt know that! she would still respond to texts and she made it SOUND like she wanted to remain my friend, she was just going through tuff times.

i knew that we could not stay just friends, but from what she was saying, i didnt think she would be so offended by me meeting her at the event, or me trying to damn talk to her.

see what happens when you AVOID shit and you dont COMMUNICATE? you get VERY hard feelings, broken heart, new bout of despair, etc.

emotional abandonment, eh?? nice term hahaha

”  Realize that if it’s a sudden abandonment, there likely is some precipitating event or incident between the two of you that needs to be resolved. On the other hand, if the deterioration has been more gradual, there are probably a lot of little things that have gone unresolved and are taking their toll on the relationship. ”

well it was gradual, but then it was also very suddent at the end. the precipitating event was i met her at the event. oh im such a bad guy. i met her at a think where we both knew we were gonna be there and which in the past we would ahve gone to together no question. but she was evasive when i asked about going with her. maybe im the bad guy because i didnt read that signal to mean i dont want to see you at all.

well the other signal was she had turned her phone off when she got there so she did nto respond to muh texts or phone call when i got there.

so did i walk around the place looking for her?

kind of, yes.

therefore, i was STALKING her, so i AM the bad guy.

and thats why she was so weird and distant the whole time.

i shouldnt have even GONE but my interest in the event was independent of her. its the type of thing that would just be good for me to go to if i had any damn energy to do activities related to muh interests. but it has to involve a damn woman before i take action on anything.

  • Fear of talking through issues: Emotional detachment does not just happen out of the blue; there is always something behind it. If one or both of the spouses has an inability or fear of talking through the issues in their relationship, then this kind of disconnect will be the likely result. Usually both know there is something wrong, but they are hesitant to bring it up because they fear their spouse’s reaction. Or perhaps they feel like they’ve been through this before and it hasn’t helped, so why bother? In these cases, there needs to be a clear second look at what it means to resolve conflict in a marriage – how to have a “good fight,” as it were, that really bring things to resolution. Without these skills, and a real courage to step up and deal with problems, the emotional distance will just continue to grow. “

If you are a wife reading this and hoping to find a way to get him to stop folding his arms and huffing every time you attempt to communicate a problem, these five tips for effective communication by Deborah Spring Laurel is a good starting point.

If you are a husband who is tired of a “nagging” wife show her this article and both of you work on building new communication skills in the marriage.

  • Disengage: When we disengage, we set aside differences temporarily, while we remain willing to address them at a later time. It involves taking time to reflect, reduce the tension, and let our emotions settle.
  • Empathize: To empathize is to put ourselves figuratively in the other person’s place. That very act will help squelch defensiveness because we acknowledge what the other person is feeling.
  • Inquire: When we inquire, we uncover the concerns of the other person. Asking questions allows us to focus on our task rather than our disagreement. After we inquire, we need to listen carefully, giving the other person our complete attention.
  • Disclose: When we disclose, we reveal our feelings, needs and goals to the other person. We can do this with “I statements” that describe our emotions, the precipitating event, and its tangible impact.
  • Depersonalize: When we depersonalize, we evaluate behavior rather than the person, and we look at our work as something we do rather than what we are. This allows us to free ourselves and others from the need to respond defensively.

also i just feel real tired.

walkaway wives


yep. slept ok with no weird dreams, maybe feel a little better, but not much. hehehe i feel like alanis morisette in “yououghta kn0w” hahaha.

also i hate the thought of the woman casually sucking guys off. women blowing dudes seems so degenerate and pornified and i dont like the thought of normal women doing that, let alone HER! also it is seen as something even more casual than casual sex. ya meet a guy, boom 2 minutes later, sucking his dick, swallowing his jizz. no big deal.

so yeah i dont like to think of her doing that!

but shes out there maybe sucking dick and not even thinking of me, yet i am still obsessed with her!

how can women get over guys so fast and so easy?

i think its more of a case of how can the DUMPER get over the dumpee so fast and easy?

EASY, they wanted out, they did the dumping, they made up their mind, they were already emotionally checked out months in advance, they were already getting over it when they did the dumping.

damn. i just never thought she would want to dump me! let alone like that! if she were already over it, why was SHE so emotional?

oh well shes sucking dicks now and has deleted me from her life hahahaha.

i wonder what she did with the nice present i gave her for crimmus last year. did she get rid of it? hide it away? or probably just forget she even had it hahahaha. or what about the nice mix cd i gave her hahahaha. i am a sucker for that sort of thing. i  hoped that would Build Intimacy between us. nope no chance!

did she angrily throw these things away? or just be like meh. and forget they were even there.

did she search for all the emails that i had sent her and which she i think had responded to a few, back in the good old days, and delete all them? hahahah i sure did.

did she block or set emails from my address to go to spam, so she never read email3 and 4?

i figure theres a change she read email2, where i confessed i had feelings for her and that i was having a tuff time and had resigned muh job hahahaha. and that i was sorry sorry sorry. i did not say please respond though. but i said i would always be open to talking to her, i hope we can talk again in the future.

heh. i wished her friends and family would have advised her to dump me more gently. maybe they did. maybe she didnt even mention it to them! or maybe she played me up as a bad guy who suddenly went all cray cray and started harrassing and stalking her, so i dont deserve to be dumped gently, but kicked to the curb.

well i certainly never stalked her, but i was pushy. but did the pushy cross into harrassment? also it was always “nice” pushy rather than mean pushy, like hang out with me bitch. it was more like pleaseeeee hang out with meeeee i want to work on our friendshipppppp i miss uuuuuuu etc hahahahah pathetic.

yeah. its rough man. how you could feel so strongly for someone and they dont care about you. but they USED to care about you. as a friend only though. but as soon as you switch on the feelings, they switch them off, and dont even care about you as a person anymore. and you care for them more and more, and they care for you less and less, and then its all over.

wawawawawaw i thought she cared for me as-a-human-being more! so our friendship died when i got feelings. ok. thats understandable. but you dont throw the dead body in a shallow grave, you mourn and cry and give it a respectful burial and remember it as the nice thing it was.

and then quickly get over it and become a whore sucking dicks of guys you just met hahahahaha. no i dont know THAT, but it wouldnt matter anyway would it?

but yeah. if i just met her it would be different. if i had never been her actual friend it would have been different. but friends for 2 years. you just dont fooking throw that away like it NEVER EXISTED. yep this is probably worse than a death, because we’re both still alive. and i have to live with the fact that she just walked away.

walk away wives. oh yeah. thats when its a ticking time bomb and the husbands ignore or balk at their wives valid complaints, know as “NAGGING” hahahahah, and then she stops nagging, husband thinks ok shes settled down good, then years later, the wife walks away because the resentment is simmering and the husband thinks nothngs wrong.

THEN the husband is heartbroken and makes a legit effort, reading books, and going to shrinks, and CHANGING, but its too late, the wife has made up her stupid mind, and never comes back, saying “too little too late.”

i wonder if thats what i did because i didnt really stop pushing her.

well i TRIED to stop pushing her. and i TRIED to stop visiting her at work. but i just couldnt stop altogether because the issues were still there. me backing off didnt really fix anything.

but it was what she wanted, it made her ahppy, it was her BOUNDARY!!!! so i should have respected it for that very reason right?

well i tried to but i just couldnt keep doing it cuz it was hurting my boundary to respect her boundary!

i wanted to see her MORE, she wanted to see me LESS. so yeah thats always a recipe for disaster.

all of this is a centuries old tale, millions of people have had their hearts broken this way. i just never had it happen to me so bad.

i was just str8 confused. it was a confusing boundary. it didnt occur to me that i could stay away from her but still communicate with her.

OBVIOUSLY i should have started calling or emailing her right then. lets say feb 2015.

so thats my other big regret hahahaha. that i was just twiddling my thumbs waiting for her to be ready to see me, but……..inside i was going FOOKING CRAZY with all these feeeeeelings and things i wanted to say to her. so i should just called her and told her, wrote emails and sent them. rather than wait till july to start sending emails. that was 5 more months of Crazy Making hahahaha and by then i was totally fooked, and she was totally DONE.

yeah i have certainly been dumped before but they did it nicer, plus those relationships were less important. this was a pretty important, substantial relationship that was ended in the most cold and callous way. it just drives me fookin crazy. i feel she TURNED on me. it does feel like kind of a betrayal. once you were my friend and now youre nobody. you dont have to luv me but dear god admit that we had something good once.

i dont know why this is so important to me.

because i dont think human beings and improtant long term rels should be thrown away like garbage. if that makes me weird, then im weird. .



yep. so.

yeah thats part of the RESPONSIBILITY that comes along with the RIGHT of being able to Opt Out / Quit a Relship. Since you have the power to single handedly End A Rel, we all do, then with that power comes the responsibility to end it Well. end it with Dignity. End it so as not to hurt the other person. End it with Empathy towards the other persons feelings. expect they will be hurt and try to Minimize that Hurt. I did not receive that courtesty AT ALL. well neither do shitloads of people. Myabe 50% of Breakups are Bad in this sense. Because people dont know How 2 Break Up Correctly. Needs Billions more education dollars hahaha. no really they just need sensible mothers and fathers. i guess a single mother could provide advice here, but ideally i would like to see a stable two parent home, and in that situation, i think either the mother or the father could give sound advice.

the only time you dont have that responsibility is when they are abusing you. i am SURE she would use that excuse, that i was abusing her, that why should she show ME any respect when i didnt show HER any respect. well i disagree. i showed her 100000000 times more respect that she showed me. oh but begging and groveling is not respect, its actually disrespect. i dunno maybe. really all it was was HONEST: i was HONESTLY BEGGING FOR MERCY. throwing myself at her mercy. arguably the right thing there is show the person a little mercy. unless they are the boy who cried wolf, and now they need tuff love.

Well i dont think i needed tuff love YET!

Sez everybody who got tuff luv hahahaha.

no i think those people eventually wake up and say yeah the other person was right, i needed the tuff luv.

well i dont think im gonna say that here. she will ALWAYS be in the wrong hahahaha.

but i forgive her. hahahaha. i mean i dont 100% forgive her, i will just say the words because i dont want to be angry about it forever. i mean yeah we all do stupid things, and yeah i dont think she MEANT to hurt me THIS much, so technically i do forgive her. im not happy about what she has done! i dont HAVE to be HAPPY about it! im fookin heartbroken! there is a gaping HOLE IN MUH HEART!!!!!!

she was a BIG part of my life, even though I was not a big part of her life. i saw a FUTURE with her in it. i wanted her to be with me for the long term.

ask them the question:

I see you as muh long term, committed, monogamous gurlfran, i want you to be a part of my life, for years into the future. what do you see me as? what do you think about me seeing you this way? could you see me the same way?

but damn. how hard is it to send a damn text saying SORRY. instead I was the one apologizing like “sorry so sorry sorry it had to end this way please can we end it better”, when me saying SORRY so much made it LOOK LIKE i was the bad guy! confirming her beleif that she was right and i was wrong, and i didnt deserve respect!

lesson learned: NEVER APOLOGIZE hahahaha.

well rather, dont apologize PROFUSELY and desperately. only apologize when you have done something really wrong.

but The Time Period has expired, hasn’t it? its Too Late To Apologize in other words. for her i mean.

No, not really! I’d still take and appreciate an Apology!

hahahaha i could send her an email saying Its Not Too Late To Apologize, with a link to that stupid song.

NO i know better than to send an email.

shit was like a fooking MINEFIELD. a good rel should not be like a minefield. it didnt used to be like that. it used to be very good and natural. then it got bad and became a minefield, and i stepped on a damn mine.

it did seem to happen out of the blue for me. i didnt realize that approaching her at that Final Event was gonna be THE FINAL STRAW. its not like i did anything. i approached her and tried to enjoy the event with her and to make things less awkward. just spend some friendly out of work time with her. but she was not having it. i was shocked at the extent to which she was not having it. i did not expect it to be THAT bad. but it was. and of course as we left, i apologized for being weird, and thank you for letting me share this Nice Time with you, barffffffff. when she should have been apologizing to me for being weird and cold and horrible!

but by me apologizing, i was the bad guy, i was admitting i was the bad guy. damn. i should WORE MUH BIG DICK JEANS.

i am Hung Up on being the Bad Guy because…….i dont think i WAS the bad guy! i didnt deserve being dumped LIKE THIS! when you are dumped like this, I mansplained to the stupid woman, it sends the signal you are the bad guy who deserves to be dumped like this, you ruined the rel, not me.

i am not an actual woman hater, but i am closer to the world of woman haters than most non woman haters. i have some risk factors. i need to be aware, be vigilant. and i worry about slipping over to The Dark Side, whenever i have a HORRIBLE experience with a woman like this one. this is a risky thing that could cause me to slip over. and then i read women writing on buzzfeed and thought catalog and talking on tedx and i am like these stupid, stupid women.

well its ideological see. these are beta leftist marxist sites, i need somethign more rightist. but fun. with plenty of women and young women, to prove to me that all women arent stupid retarded sluts, killin their babbys and shooting their sons full of estrogen to turn them into Trannys hahahahahaha while Alienating their fathers from them because idk lol. i feeeeeel i deserve better. because he doesnt communicate about my feelings enough. because he wants to communicate about my feelings too much. because they dont have fathers to tell them, this is a good man and you should not frivolously divorce him, you’re NOT gonna do any better at age 35 with 2-3 kids hahahahaha.

did a 4-4.2 miler

shit. i am sure she felt SOMETHING once it became obvious she would never see or talk to me again. she probably felt a gap of sorts, prob not a gaping abyss/ void like i did, but i bet she felt SOME sort of loss. and i wonder how she filled that. no doubt by having whoresex. and im not allowed to be angry about that? im angry that the woman i luv is ruining herself! casual sex is you going down the wrong path!

well i am going down the wrong path too tho!

well let me just say this: i am troubled mainly by HER casual sex exactly BECAUSE i have Special FEelings for her! Damn! all those other whores can just go be whores, it doesn’t effect me! but when the woman I Luv is a whore, that HURTS!

hahaha i have absolutely no proof she is out being a whore, just what normal women do when they feel grief or loss or what they do after a Breakup. they get with other guys IMMEDIATELY.

put it this way, less than .00000001% would go without a guy/dick for One Year after a Major Breakup. I think we can all agree the breakup of a Major Monog Longterm Rel would probably take at LEAST one year to fully get over right? but there is NO WAY they’re not taking dick within a year!

yet for guys its perfectly normal to have a year long “dry spell”, ESPECIALLY if you are getting over a important rel. like this. a true heartbreak hehehehe.

hah. i was reading a stupid article in buzzfeed about a 13 year old boy who wants to become a Gurl and always felt like a gurl in a boys body, and his/her/xzyr mother is very supportive, so got them a 20000$ hormone patch which delays the onset of puberty i guess, and then starting the estrogen treatment, cuz i guess its best to Start Transitioning Before Puberty. anyway the mom gave the kid estrogen for their bithrday and captured the precious heartwarming moment on youtube and all the stupid women are falling all over themselves in the buzzfeed comments saying stuff like. “This. This is what tolerant parenting looks like. So Much This. Love. Truth. This.”

and then there are more women saying “oooooooo shessssss soooooo cuteeeeeeeeeeeee she is going to be soooooo pretty when she gets olderrrrrrrr omggggggggg i wish i could be that pretty.” really going on about the prettyness of the child.

THEN a Male Feminist comes in an MANSPLAINS that the first focus shouldnt be on the Prettyness of the child, whether or not the child is aesthetically pleasing or not is not the issue. The Male Feminist is right of course, but no women call him on Mansplaining!

is it mansplaining when male feminists mansplain feminism to women who like feminism but dont really get it? cis rich white woman feminism ahahahahaha

and then a woman says something about well isnt it weird to shoot a 14 year old all full of hormones? am i the only one?

and then another woman, presumbaly a mother says, its no different than taking birth control, so yeah youre the only one.

because not only do all women take birth control hormones, THEIR MOTHERS all encourage them to!

wawaawaawawawawawawa that was another reason i liked my female friend is i dont think she took Birth Control pills even when she was getting fooked by guys. becuase she was naturally suspicious of it. i dont know for sure. but she was the suspicious of pills and pharmas and vaccines sort, which i kinda like hahahaha.

also i think the Pill makes women bigger Sluts, makes them pick worse men, and makes them less responsible regarding Sex.

this is why i am such a big hit with the ladies, with my pro-women attitudes hahahaha.

well i used to have a special female friend hahahaha. well she didnt know i was anti pill. but she was anti pill thats all that mattered. well maybe she will get on the pill now cuz she wants to have a lot of unprotected sex with random men to fill the void in her life hahahaha oh well nothing wrong with that you go grrrrrl.


actuallly we can say this is The Number One Most Important Rel I Have Ever Had With A Woman, well apart from muh mother hahahaha.

she is elevated above my other female frens, because i never got FEELINGS for them. I never wanted to take things up to a New Level of Intimacy after two years with them. they were/are great people, it just never got to that level. i had never gotten to This Level with Any Woman before!!!!!!

and forget the bitches i pseudodated/banged. that was just a casual hookup for them and was short term and we never really had a real relationship. just short term bullshit. i wanted to take it to the next level there but they didnt.

but to want to take it to the next level after you ALREADY KNOW SOMEBODY for the long term? wow. thats a whole new level of Intimacy. i never experienced that before. till now. yeah it was a big gamble. but never has the jackpot been so sweet!

so yeah to lose That Woman is a big damn deal mother fooker.

my other female friends, i never got feelings for them, and we grew apart when they moved to diff cities for career. no hard feelings! just saying how these female friends were a LOT DIFFERENT than THIS female friend. THIS female friend was the most intense, intimate, feelsy, deep, life changing, etc.

so yeah its a big loss. its almost WORSE than a death because with death, you know they done WANT to leave you, and that they aren’t still alive out in the world, happily jumping on dicks and never having to see you again.


Jim Smith 4 days ago (edited)
+1Fireskull Just finished college five years ago, I don’t know if that is true, but I regularly have women 25 and under tell me they have had group sex before. The crazy thing is they will say it in the context of an opener for a relationship. Like,” I’ve had it before ,but I didn’t like it much and never want to do it again, because I’m looking for relationship now. I’m kind of a romantic”. I have had that actually told to me more than once when I shit test or poke ladies to tell me about themselves. Another funny note is they will usually tell me things like that no problem/no blushing , but if I shit test them and ask if they have ever dated outside their race, instant clam up, blushing face and questions thrown back at me along the lines of ” why does it matter, does it bother you, I don’t like how you’re asking me that, this is 2015, and are you insecure with yourself”. I treat them like whores when they act like whores and while I find it sad, I’am not sad for those dumb twits. I would love to met an actual virtuous woman.
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[EDIT feb 24 2016 :: GROUP SECS: NOT EVEN ONCE. DEGENERATE. write me a 10,000 word essay on WHY its degenerate, WHY you regret and repent for doing it, and then write me ANOTHER 10,000 word essay on why its ok to not want to date/fook people of different races. If I like both essays then I might consider you for a traditional long term relationship. Well, no I won’t, because you’ve have group sex, and you’ve race-mixed. NOT EVEN ONCE. i seek a return to the days when these things were DEALBREAKERS. the guy should have walked out on the girl that very instant and said “I dont date degenerate whores”, shaming her for her behavior. hahahaha. well he was probably looking to get his D wet and a gulr like that would certainly be an ok Ms Right-Now.

for the record, ths would be “MUH DICK” thinking by the man, and it IS degenerate as well. its just less degen for the man than for the woman, more forgivable of a sin. because its MUCH harder for a man to turn down available sex on the offer. because women ARE the suppliers of sex. its available to women ALL the time. with no women sluts around to freely offer up casual recreational sex, there would be less muhdicken on the part of men. women, of all people, should NEVER take a MUH DICK attitude towards sex. MUH CLITORIS is what i call it. THINK LESS WITH YOUR CLITORIS, AND MORE WITH YOUR UTERUS is my new motto. i should make stickers and tshirts hahaha.

also as of now i am more open to the Healthier, Better interpretation that The Woman does not hate me and is not blaming me for “betraying” her, but is rather just Running Away like a Confused, Overwhelmed baby animal that doesnt know how to or doesnt want to deal with a stressful, overwhelming situation. period. this is a perfectly reasonable interpretation, and indeed MORE reasonable than the other interpretation I’d been K’ing myself with, namely, she hates me because i did something bad to her. that IS a possible explanation, but its somewhat LESS likely than the occams razor explanation, and its much more destructive to me personally than the occam explanation. in short, i should work towards accepting the occam explanation, ie, the overwhelmed animal simply running away from a difficult situation.]

also these tolerant women on buzzfeed commenting often with their REAL FACEBOOK NAMES are so TOLERANT of EVERYTHING. all sorts o perversions. the frog really is being boiled. just a few years ago, women would think a man Urinating Inside His Wifes Vag was GROSS or EW, but now theyre like whatever floats your boat, i dont want to be “JUDGE-Y”, etc.

so yeah i dont think thats too extreme of a fetish , but its just bit by bit by bit, that maybe 10 years from now Eating Shit or Casual Rectum Prolapsing will not be viewed as extreme or gross. just brutally fisting a 19 year old college gurls asshole until her rectum pops out, like only the most degenerate porn of today.

the most degenerate porn of today, become Vanilla Casual Sex Reality among Middle Class College Kids in….10 years? 15 years? 5 years?

but yeah women should never talk about their ORGIES and GROUP SEX and three ways and four ways and getting SPIT ROASTED and all their open rels and anal sex tapes and swinging and being an intern as a Sex Worker during college, during the small talk on a first date as with teh youtube commenter above.

i aknowledge that maybe some women may have a slutty past. but they might legitimately want to atone for their past sins. so dont talk about them right away, dont talk abotu them like you are PROUD of the, talk abotu them like you are rightfully ashamed of them!

heh. maybe she feels bad like she should, for overreacting and treating me like someone she doesnt care about. you dont treat people you really care about like this. but she is the type to only hurt the ones they luv. hahaha.

anyway say she wants to apologize but is scared to contact me cuz she thinks i might be mad. which i sort of am. but i would totally take her back.

but instead the guilt eats her alive and she throws her life away because of that, on a cok carousel, has some bastard babies with deadbeats really soon.

BUT I COULD HAVE STOPPED IT if i had contacted her!

but i already contacted her 3 times with absoutely no response. (she didnt really respond to email1, but said she had read it. period. nothing more.)

but i send those three emails during the course of 1 month of Separation! emotions are still very high dyuring the first month! what if i sent an email during month 4 or 5 when things have cooled down a little?

so thats the next trial and tribulation. resisting the tempation to contact her “after things have cooled down”, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 months afterwards.

so there was the final event. i went and met her and it was so awkward. i kinda joked that i could go away if she wanted. she never encouraged me not to go to the event, or to not meet up with her. i just figured it only made sense to meet up with her once i got there. in the past we would have gone to something like this togehter.

so that was extremely awakwrd. like insanely awkward, like she was signalling this was the official end. lets have this epic event be the official end of us.

after that she stopped talking to me altogether, would not respond to my chats or texts, would not even look at me, then the next time i went on facebook a few days later, i thought i might unfriend her with a explanatory message…..but she had already unfriended me with no message at all!!!!!!!!

so she unfriended me sometime between that event and the next 3 days, and i had done nothing in that time but try to talk to her but her not respond.

like i didnt do anything super offensive ot cause her to unfriend me, like oh dear god meet up with her at a thing where she knew i was gonna be there and she never told me not to stay away from her.

OH BUT I SHOULDA KNEW, FROM THE SIGNALS. therefore im the bad guy.

well, true luv does not recognize SUBTLETY.

plus there was MIXED signals, like “oh thats cool you are gonna go”

plus i sorta joked right away, is this ok for me to sit with you, i can go away over there if you want. well im the bad guy because i didnt make that joke directly enough. plus i was really nervous cuz things were REALLY awkward in those first few minutes. i thought i smoothed things over, throughout the course of the evening. i guess not! also it was not the type of thing where we could have a private talk, lets say that. someone from her family was there, etc.

i am so dead set against being seen as the bad guy. i dont want to be The one who ruined this.

but its technically not like that. she just wanted out, so she got out. period. no bad guys, no good guys, no blame.

but women always like to portray men as the bad guy, so i guess i am fighting against that false stereotype. i wouldnt have to dump him if it werent his FAULT.

no, no fault happening, she just didn’t want to be IN IT anyone.

hitler took meth regularly, maybe i shoudl try crystal meth to boost muh confidence.  or crack. i guess thats cheaper.

i need a cheap but powerful drug. cheap booze was my go to during Tuff Times, but i dont want to drink again. but i have to ask myself, is my life so much better now than when i was drinking? like i mean when i was jobless and loveless and was drinking? well yes things were worse then, because i was making an ass of myself in front of muh friends, and lost some friends because of it.

so now i have no friends to lose hahahahaha.

no i just dont want to drink. but i would do a number of other drugs if they were available, just to take my mind of all this hahahaha. im tired of the months of pain. when will the stupid pain end hahahaha.