LONG TERM REL IS THE DEFINITION OF NORMALF4G / 2 MUCH 2 HANDLE = SHUT DOWN

93

ask somebody the worst heartbreak they ever had, ask a normalfag, and they will say oh it the first one when i was real young i was like 16 and muh high school sweetheart dumped me and i was very derpressed for 1 month. but then i banged 9000 gurls from 18-22 and never got too worked up about those sorta things, went out with some wimmin long term, i dumped them when i saw we were no longer compatible and had irreconcilable differences, no big deal, part of life, then eventually met a wimmin where we stayed fairly compatible and then we got married the end. until at age 40 and i was finally 40 and stable and making decent money and had 3 kids, then she divorced me to go eat pray love fook n suck, cuz she didnt really know why but she didnt feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel haaaaaaaaaaaaappy with me any more but just was not sure why. the end.

got muh 5.6 miles in today, though about nyquil but decided against it cuz pretty tired from shitty sleep yesterday.

i dont trust anyone who is not a virgin or who has ever had a long term rel. long term rel is the DEFINITION of normalfag.

shit i wish we had not worked together. the loss of job is making me way less confident, and more hateful and misanthropic and hopeless. job sucked but i probably could have handled it if she wasnt there, or if we worked in different rooms. but there was only one big room.

well, with this case, i probably would have wanted separate FLOORS.

i mean this is worst heartbreak ever.

no definitely separate FLOORS, and many days off for me, and i would have confronted her in person at work and said we need to talk NOW.

in hindsight i should have done that here too. things got so weird i stopped approaching her, last couple of times i talked to her, the Coldness was just insane and it was clear she did not want me talking to her at all. so then i stopped approaching her but i did try to instant message with her. those were completely ignored. she usually responded to muh instant messages even if very short shitty responses. because i was such a boring unfun weirdo creep and i wasnt fun to talk to any more hahahaha. see I was the bad guy and it was all my fault because i had ISSUES I couldnt get over. just because i was in luv with her didnt concern HER at all.

heh i hate this everybody is a damn island shit and you dont care when your friend has ISSUES and you just blame it on the person for not getting over their issues, when PART of the issues and them not getting over it, is YOU giving them the SILENT TREATMENT and refusing to talk about issues that are ABOUT you.

yeah i could have communicated better and instead of lets hang out lets hang out, i could have said more directly

“I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING IMPORTANT THAT CONCERNS YOU.”

we dont need to have the talk rght now, but lets set an appointment for sometime in the next few weeks. i cant eat or sleep. it is important and it deals with you, its not all my issue.

by that time she should have a pretty good idea what its about hahahahaha.

MAYBE she knew why i was so adamant about talking to her in person, and she just didnt want to hear it, so she just kept blowing off the hangouts, because she had a pretty good idea of what i wanted to say, and that was too much for her to handle.

TOO MUCH TO HANDLE.

and then people SHUT DOWN.

that is a pretty good Occam Explanation, and we both had Too Much To Handle in different ways, and both shut down in diff ways.

she had too much to handle because she felt i became a completely diff person by having feels for her. and shut down by well giving me complete silent treatment forever.

i had too much to handle because i couldnt handle this brutal rejection and seeing her every day at our awful stupid insane job. it was not a good kind of fast paced but the worst kind. perfect shitstorm. and i shut down by “leave of abscencing” the awful job and havng a devastating heartbreak.

there was more personal pain and suffering for me, obviously.

“hes experienced more pain and suffering than any human being ive ever seen…….and he still has HELL to look forward to!”

FIGHT OR FLIGHT

it was fight or flight for both of us. i fleed by running frm the whole situation, she fleed by flying away from me.

but i should be entitled to some hate and anger hahahaha.

i am angry at her for refusing to talk at all, for not responding, for hurting me, for seemingly treating our entire past like nothing, by just running away and abandoning me and washing her hands of me, treating me like garbage to throw away, etc.

i know that might not have been her INTENT….. but its impossible to determine intent or anything when they just run away like this. there is a definite sense of leaving you hanging even though it is clear theyre saying its over. but its the worst closure ever. people have had better closure than this, fact.

so yeah i am feeling a bit SALTY and angry and hot and cold. just a bag of intense emotions towards her. honestly why cant she just write me an email.

because life isnt fair and people dont always treat you the way you want to be treated, sometimes they do you wrong, even if they dont mean to do you that wrong.

who CARES what she MEANT??? she still hurt me and it was very very bad!

well it matters what she meant ebcause i KNOW she isnt EVIL, its just so UNLUCKY and UNFORTUNATE that the worst thing this otherwise decent person does, they do it to ME. it is worse pain than i have been dealt by SHITTIER peopel!

GOOD PEOPLE CAN HURT YOU MORE THAN SHITTY PEOPLE!!!!!!!!

there’s a valuable lesson that will teach you how to be a better person. basically avoid good people and seek out shtty people because they will hurt you less hahahahahaha good lesson mang

94

I Acknowledge That Casual Sex, No Emotions, No Relationship Sex, might not necessarily be a bad thing, but the crux is, ALL PEOPLE MUST BE ON THE SAME PAGE, in agreement on what this means/doesn’t mean.

in other words, before you stick it in, making sure to gain Enthusiastic, Authentic Consent with every thrust (hahahahaha) simply ask the B if she has any feelings for you or if this is just drunken meaningless no strings attached secs like she has with her 10 different fukk buddiez erry day.

i mean you cant beleive what anyone SAYS but in this case, if the woman tells you yeah its just secs, no feelings, i think you can trust her to tell the truth about THAT. so beleive THAT.

meanwhile if you are in luv with the gurl and want her to be Your Monogamous Long Term Gurlfran……. thats a huge ass string, and this secs will end up being hurtful to you. A Big Ass Talk is in order, where you confess your feelings, and hopefully she gives you some kind of shitty response like im not ready for a relationship right now, i just want to get filled up by a variety of cox for the time being.

NOTE WELL: if you just want to get yer dick wet because you havent had secs in 10 years and dont want to bang a hooker, and youve managed to pull some desperate or opportunistic or whatever woman who is actually willing, be sure to confirm what her feelings are. there is a 1% chance she might be in luv with YOU, and you pumping and dumping her and using her as Fook Meat might break her heart, because she’s in luv with you.

well if you JUST MET the person, they cant be in luv with you. if you’ve known them for 2 years however……tread carefully.

because having a decent friendship over 2 years IS a long term rel which by definition has more strings than some RANDOM STRANGER you JUST MET.

like if the woman i am in luv with had pity secs with me. it would break my heart even more, and i would be even more angry at her. because it means nothing to her and is awkward and sucks and she wants to be with other guys, while for me it is the most intense experience in the life.

but if both people are not in luv with each other, want to bang other people, then yeah that should be ok to have casual meaningless meat fooking. not that women should be doing that. back in the day respectable women would never THINK of doing that.

now all women do it and there are no respectable women left, and women dont care about being respectable.

and if men wanted casual sex, they got it from a hooker. there was no such thing as nonhooker sluts.

see hookers are more honest. they say heres some casual sex, you know what it is, and it costs this much.

nonhooker sluts dont even know how to be honest. its always i dunno and fooking 10 guys at the same time and Never Communicating About Feelings.

IMHO there is more Heartbreak between men and women now than there was 50 years ago!

and that women are dishing out the majority of that heartbreak!

i would say 90% of women have broken at least one male heart, while only 25% of men TOPS have broken at least one female heart.

this is BECAUSE only alpha males can break female hearts, can make women LOVE them to begin with, and by definition, only a minority of men are alpha.

and alpha is relative to other men too. its always gonna be the top 20% Most Masculine of Men.

which is frustrating because the male average is pussified and unmasculine and faggy nowadays, so it should be EASY to become an alpha right?

like in the 50s when the average man was super masculine like john wayne, youd think it be much HARDER to be more masculine than that to become a top 20% True Alpha male.

now all men are sensitive faggy neets who love and respect women and want long term monog rels with them hahahaha.

no i kid i kid of course.

you can tell pretty easily when someones heart is broken. they say “i am heartbroken” or “devastated” or “im hurting real bad” or “in a real bad place right now” or “PLEASE RESPOND” hahahaha and they seem desperate, weak, and begging, and their world is crashing down around them.

but yeah. how is it so hard to send an email. this is eating me up and will continue to eat me up for a long time. how is it not eating her up. you would think that after some time has passed, WHICH IT HAS, she would write to me and say sorry about that hahahaha. but noooooooooooooo.

well nobody said life was fair hahahaha.

but yeah when something is eating you up, you just cant enjoy anything because its always on your mind.

you cant go out and simply enjoy things with your friends, go fook secsy new men, because its in the back of your mind bothering you, keeping you from having fun and being haaaaaaaaaaappy.

its eating ME up but theres NOTHING i can DO about it, plus it shouldnt eat me up because i wasnt the Bad Guy.

it SHOULD be eating HER up because SHE was the bad guy, PLUS she now has bad karma hanging over her, AND, she still has ALL the power to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! the ball is 100% in her court! she could write to me and say sorry. but NOOOOOOOOOOOO. and she doesnt even THINK about it, she goes out and has 100000000 times more fun than i do, WORRIES about it 10000000000 times less than i do, even though i have no power to do anything about it!!!!!!!!

what the fook!

so obviously i need to get over it hahahaha. bitches always tell you to get over it, then walk away and sook dicks, but they never tell you HOW to get over it. shit THEY dont know how to get over it. they only thing they know is go suck and fook moar cox, they think THATS how you get over things.

thats why modern women are sociopathic sluts and evil demons hahahahaha.

ok time for the 2.8 miler.

Advertisements

WORK WITHOUT SLEEP

93

merry fokin xmas eve who cares it doesnt matter life goes on hahahaha

ok got in the 2.8 miler, then a Severe Thunderstorm blew right in.

what else. yeah that dream sucked. oh well. life goes on and you never have a decent rel with a woman.

who cares. you gotta develop your own life apart from a woman.

well i tried to and failed hahaha. i mean i had some very good friendships with men in my life. i just wanted to try The Next Level, a Hetero Rel with a Woman. is that such a goddam CRIME?

really struggled with skool and career.

my god reading linkedin made me want to PUKE. but it is a useful tool in learning how to Talk The Talk; THE single most useful tool ive seen recently for people that want to Talk Like Theyre Employable. That Immersing yourself in this kind of talk, and being able to spew this kind of RUBBISH in interviews WILL eventually get you semi gainfully employed.

also feel like my Higher Power is calling me to the Trades, a good Honest No Bullshit Living.

the new google logo was unveiled recently, i think it sucks. i am glad i dont work at google. not that i ever could.

hahahaha i am so glad i dont have some bullshit awful rel with a woman. NOT THAT I EVER COULD hahahaha.

sour grapes lol

well if i cant get a good rel with a woman i luv, i guess i will take meaningless no strings attached secs with attractive women.  hahahahaha. NEVER FORGETTING that doing that is bad for women, but neutral to good for men. then i could maybe use that New Confidence to Win At Life and get a Gainful 15DAHJ and a Decent Woman.

shit i wouldnt even be able to APPRECIATE a decent woman for another year at least.

when i first met female friend i didnt luv her! I was still All Luved Out from the previous woman. and i didnt get any feels until i knew her for TWO YEARS!

so it stands to reason i will not develop feels for a diff woman for at least two years from now.

not that i WANT to get feels if feels just lead to this kind of Pain and Total Life Ruination!

but i do enjoy that “high” of that particular drug, and also it will prove ive gotten over HER. and have a chance to show i’ve Learned muh lessons.

well now i can see why they say the best rels are when you start out as friends and then become more. because you feel like you know the person, you can trust them, you respect them, you can hopefully communicate with them, you have a connection with them beyond the physical.

and we had all that, we even communicated well on lots of things……..just not the things that turned out to be Absolutely Essential to our Relationship. like when there were serious problems between us, we could not talk about them.

well i was WILLING and WANTED  to talk. she was either unwilling or too afraid to talk.

she would have made me very happy. unfort i would have not made her so happy. and now by rejecting me in SUCH a harsh way, i am super unhappy.

she did not have to do that!!!!! send a message, write a fooking email or something.

i also emailed her my mailing address hahahaha.

you can be sure they will know that you are trying to contact them if you send them a letter hahaha. you cant BLOCK postal mail in other words.

https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=fell+in+love+with+female+friend

note the search query hahahaha

http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-Falling-in-Love-with-Your-Best-Friend-(for-Guys)

eh some good stuff but overall NOT great. plus all the pictures show them hanging out all the time. i couldnt GET my “FRIEND” to hang out AT ALL. plus she was not my “best” friend. heh i am not sure i even HAVE a “best friend” hahahaha maybe when i was younger.

http://www.marsvenus.com/blog/lauren-gray/ive-fallen-in-love-with-my-best-friend-should-i-risk-everything-and-tell-her

meh this is OK, i agree with the author that its good to have A Talk and Tell Them Directly, rather than just bullshit SIGNALS and HINTS. the author gives the following “love script”

QUOTE

“I care about you deeply. Being with you in any way makes me happy. I can’t deny that I’ve developed romantic feelings for you and I want to be your boyfriend. I know you have a man already and I support you completely. I love being your best friend and I just needed to let you know.”

You have put no pressure on her and yet by being so heartfelt you have invited her to open up about her feelings as well. She may tell you that she looks at you like a brother or that she’s happy in her current relationship. But know that you have planted a seed that may very well grow into something special later on.

It takes some serious balls to do what I’m suggesting but I promise you that you will feel lighter and happier once you’ve confronted this. It may be because she reciprocates your feelings and has been waiting for you to make your move. Or it may be because you finally get your answer and you can move on.

anyway I UFMLL agree, you should tell them because…..then you know you told them.

all these morons saying be careful, you dont want to ruin the friendship, dont understand

THE FRIENDSHIP CHANGED THE MOMENT YOU GOT FEELINGS.

i guess some people can confess their feelings, then gurl rejects them and says sorry but i just dont see you that way, so sorry lets just be friends, and then its weird for a few weeks, then they go back to being normal friends. i dunno. i wont deny maybe this has happened to other people. it certainly hasnt happened to me though.

of course i was the guy who thought i could never fall in luv with a female friend, and it finally happened!

ok maybe for some people the feelings can CHANGE back and you can be just friends again. heh. well then i wish i could just fall out of luv with her! and then i would be over her instantly.

but yeah this is getting ridiculous.  i mean i cant even cope with life and am turning into a damn NEET shutin.

well except i Jog 8 miles a day hahahahahahaha. that is really the only positive thing i feel i CAN do.

i can sort of talk the language of the Linkedin Normalfags, but i speak it so unnaturally and begrudgingly that they can tell i have a Bad Attitude and then dont hire me.

but yeah shes the bad guy. if we had an Impartial Arbiter judge the Evidence, or a Jury, they would find that her crimes were worse than mind. namely because i tried, she didn’t. i made an effort, she avoided, ignored, and ran away. i made her scared and uncomfortable? well a lot of that was coming from within her, not just from me.

a lot like my own anxiety is my own damn fault. its not the worlds fault for being so anxiety producing. its my fault for not being able to cope with it. well sure its not “fault fault” per se, i didnt ask for this, i didnt intend it, but i have always been damn anxious and nothing really helps it.

well i guess some days at work i was less anxious than others. this was certainly in 2014 where there was the “perfect good storm” of maybe i dunno august, sept, oct, nov.

i was just starting to fall in luv with her and i wasnt obsessively anxious about muh job, and i wasn’t obsessively anxious about her.

well i was thinking about her a lot but it was WARM FUZZIES at that time and hadnt turned bad yet.

by like feb or march it had turned BAD. she had cooled off a lot, was bitchy to me, i was increasingly frustrated, and the job had gotten a lot worse. super busy, super hectic, super high anxiety, lots of weird new stupid stuff all the time.

therefore, oct, nov, dec, jan, feb, and then by march it was definitely bad. it will go bad within FIVE months. goes from good to bad over 5 months.

i dunno if thats a rule of thumb or what. maybe it is only if you work together at an extremely stressful job and you also rely on her for emotional support for your insane job and she is not willing to give it and is angry at you for being so needy on job related emotional support, let alone the other stuff, like you wanting to HANG OUT with her and TALK. why should she do that with you. cant you see she doesnt WANT to. your feelings dont matter only hers hahahahahahahahahaha.

so obviously this is not a good person to be in a rel with. because she did not luv me.

but i luved HER!

and i am anxious about “settling” into a rel just because the woman luvs me……….but i dont luv her. but i settle because i am that desperate and lonely and am finally pushed to lie to myself. and the poor pathetic woman.

falling asleep over here, good thing i dont have a job because i would be fired for acting like i am on drugs and really messing stuff up, but i am just tired cuz poow widdle babby only got 5 hours of sleep last night!

Hardworking Men get like 4 hours a sleep a night IF THEYRE LUCKY. like once a year. the rest of the day they WORK. and they WORK WITHOUT SLEEP. and their shitty fat stupid wives leave them.

IMHO if you look at a failing relationship its not hard to find the BAD GUY.

Obvious Occam!!!

Captain Obvious.

its the husband obviously beating his wife.

its the one spouse obviously cheating on the other, who is still blindly in luv.

i guess there are instances where both people are a piece of shit.

but one person is usually way more a piece of shit, and the other person is the LONGSUFFERER who is AFRAID to let go of them.

one spouse is a drug/alcohol addict and it is OBVIOUSLY breaking the other persons heart.

one person is OBVIOUSLY the bad guy.

the other person is OBVIOUSLY the victim, and their heart gets BROKEN, and the other person just doesnt care.

in many cases the Dumper is the Bad guy. actually the dumping might be the nicest thing they ever did, releasing the victim from their abuse.

but i HATE to portray myself as a VICTIM! a weak VICTIM of abuse.

cuz it wasnt really abuse. it was just a Really Bad Ending that Broke My Heart worse than its EVER been. and its been broken pretty bad before! thats all.

but yeah she must be the bad guy because i am the one who is totally heartbroke and shes probably not hurting too much at all. never thinks of me. i meant nothing to her lol. oh well life goes on.

when i was 18 and in 13th grade hahahah and just starting to go down The Wrong Path, drinking too much at age 18! not Practicing Game on all the cute 18 year old gurls at College, but being a weirdo who got into stupid arguments with his roomate, and drinking alone in the room…..anyway one of my few good ideas was taking calculus (i later took calculus 1 again in 2012, approx 10 years later!) so i took it and one of the people in my study group, which was three gurls and me interestingly. none of the gurls were horribly cute but they were nice enough and it was a good experience for me just talking to women. i dont recall being all nervous with them either. wow.

anyway one gurl lived in the dorm right down the hall from me. she was kind of “bigger” but she was 18 years old and i am not sure she was UGLY per se but i was not really attracted to her. my stupid roomate would very unkindly make fun of her as “FAT GIRL” which was really inappropriate of him. and made me angry. because she was a nice gurl, and she wasnt super duper fat, nowhere near as fat as your average 30 year old People Of Walmart Hambeast Woman.

plus i think he was saying I was so weak i couldnt meet any women except for fat undesirable ugly women.

well he wasnt doing any better! he was a real asshole.

anyway i was kind of icy to this gurl because i dunno. not mean and not an asshole but never being like lets hang out sometime baby and have experimental kids growing up dormsex. in hindsight i probably SHOULD have!

or just in general maybe should have hung out with her more and made an actual friend out of her instead of a friendly acquaintance???

i had no experience being Friends With Women so i kinda felt it was weird. OH WELL.

and then i didnt make any more female friends for another 3 years at least. doesnt sound like a long time, but a lot of shit happens between 18-21, it feels like a ton of shit is PACKED into those years. and times moves faster and more exciting stuff happens. being young.

but yeah basically i still wish my female former friend would contact me. it will take a LONG time before i stop wishing time. might as well just accept that pain and try to do healthy things like jogging 8 miles a day hahahaha.

but right now i am gonna do a second 2.8 miler, will only get in 5.6 miles today and not 8.4. and maybe have some nyquil when i get back. MAYBE. jurys still out on that one.

 

COPING SKILLZ: HOW 2 COPE W LIFE

apr 29

COPING. COPING SKILLS. HOW 2 COPE W LIFE. yes, that is a big part of this Blog. lot of losers never learn how to cope, so they Fall Apart at the Smallest Sign Of Stress. heh. sound familiar?

i guess ideally parents would teach Coping Skills to their Chirren. Well I certainly can’t say my family didn’t TRY. They TRIED very hard, but I didn’t learn. I was bound and determined not to listen to them, and thus became a loser. action, reaction. action, consequences. paying my karmic debt. penance. sentence. do the crime, do the time.

heh. i might actually be working up the desire to go to a strip club and get my yearly lap dance, hehehe.

heh. i think this donald sterling is being Railroaded for his racist comments. it is all part of an OBVIOUS SCAM on the part of his Jilted Mistress to help Magic Johnson buy the team at Dirt Cheep Prices. Or somebody else wants to buy the team Cheep. Mistress is Bored with the Bentleys and now wants to take the whole team.

And there is so much news on what a bad guy sterling is. Heh. Well, that would make me 6000000000000000000000000 times worse, I can assure you! Because I try not to drive through Black Neighborhoods! Although I do get along with the Blacks at my Job just fine.

note that there is NO press on Sterling being J’ish, in fact, we are just supposed to ASSUME he is White. If it came to light that he was J’ish, then the media response would be, SAME THING as White, J’ish IS white.

but is it really???!?!?!?!?! IMHO there are important differences.

heh i should get an RX for buspar lickety split and just take that all day at the job.

also prozac. i am not in love with the paxil. so note to self, get rx for prozac, and buspar, and give em a TRY.

continue drinking nyquil when able.

found the facebook of a gurl i thought was cute a few years ago, then forgot about. she is still doable, decent body, great t1ts, no babbys, but she has started wearing WAY TOO MUCH makeup, even though she is older, she would still look better with less makeup. come on. and i would rather bang her younger sister hehehehe. maybe if i had gotten to the gurl when she was 18. rather than 28. remember my mantra: GIVE HER TEN YEARS. heh. well she’s prob a decent person so I would try not to Hurt Her Feeeeeeeelings, but I certainly wouldn’t marry her.

google “donald sterling did nothing wrong” hehehe not getting much.

maybe a stress relieving HERB like….melatonin or valerian root or kava kava or ginseng or god knows what. i used to take f00kloads of st johns wort for “depression” but after giving that the college try and finding it not working, upgraded to the big leagues of ssris.

HOW ABOUT YOU?

apr 30

oy vey. so back and forth on this new job idea. now we are in official phone tag phase. i called them yesterday “before lunch” and left a nice message saying please call back. was expecting secretary/gatekeeper to call me back to schedule a tour, 1 minute phone call, Eazy Peazy Lemon Squeezy, not DIFFICULT DIFFICULT LEMON DIFFICULT. (name that movie.) mah friend describes it as kind of a disorganized clusterf00k place, herding cats, etc, and that would be my job, is herding the cats, untangling everything.

and that is something they don’t teach you in school, is when you have several people above you, telling you different things, sometimes contradictory things. who do you listen to, what do you do? who’s right and who’s wrong? i would say whatever fixes the immediate problem the quickest AND OR comes from the person who is Officially Highest on the Org Chart. Most Official Power. Cuz a person might be higher up than you but not be your Boss Per Se.

heh. teach that in skool, skoolfags.

not sure the best way to spin that in an interview if they ask about that. uhh you spin yourself as the hero who communicated with everyone and got everyone to reach a consensus. consensus builder.

lot of anger and tension regarding Work and the World of Work hehehehe. either I run out of the room crying, or do a Ragequit. it is amazing I can make a normal sounding phone call, amazing that I survived 3 full months without incident, indeed, as a pretty good model employee! So There! Suck It! Never Forget!

So yeah I do overreact and magnify and amplify in my mind a lot, and you probably do too, it is a classic Cognitive Distortion that is a big part of our Horribly Negative Thinking and Attitude.

20% of men get sex. 20% of men have banged an attractive wimmin. 20% of men have their choice of wimmin and are banging several at a time, having a HAREM. 80% of men are betas, lives of quiet desperation, have never had a harem, never had a choice in wimmin, never banged an attractive, beggars can’t be choosers, they take table scraps and sloppy seconds because it’s the best they can get, if even that. they relieve their s’ual frustration through pr0n, strippers, and regular whacking off. if they get married, it is to a fat hambeast with kids from alpha males.

so what do you do? I guess you should consider incoporating Whacking Off as a part of PErsonal HEALTH and FITNESS. especially regarding real women preferably over porn, using Strippers and Prostitutes. Work on your health in this way, and you might develop your Alpha Muscles, and be Masculine and Alpha enough to Enter The 20%, and Bang Actual Attractive Wimmin. HYPERGAMY.

A WRITER IS THE WORST POSSIBLE THING TO WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP

april 14

went for powerwalk #2 of the day. nothing real great to say. going to distraction free wirting mode in wordpress, that’s pretty cool.

so lazy. as per usu. so, we determined you don’t need my unique brand of militaristic homeschool to produce a successful winning child, indeed, i know plenty of winners who went to plain old marxist dumb u down public school, and they are making 100k + a year, applied themselves, etc. we determined it was all a matter of ATTITUDE, that I had a BAD one from a very early age.

not sure exactly when. i think it was by age 11? 12? it was DEF by age 13, 8th grade. 7th grade sucked too. 6th grade was better, I think. so let’s say it was age 12.

i think it was then that the alpha beta social spectrum started showing up, boys started noticing girls, and the Cool Boys started Getting Gurlfranz. In grade 6, can you believe it! That just meant they would hold hands or make out with girls, nothing extreme. but still.

And I got Teased a LITTLE BIT, certainly not BULLIED, about being a Wimpy Beta Sissy who was scared of Gurls and couldn’t get a Gurlfran. and for some reason, I took that way too far, imagining myself as The Most Unpopular Outcast Ever.

I know I identified with the “Freaks” crowd, the “misfits”,  who were pretty aggressively hostile and hateful towards everyone and everything. Little Nihilists. THAT did not help me at ALL.

So I fell in with the Wrong Crowd then? But they weren’t technically Bad People. The worst we ever did was Smoke Weed occaisionally (in high school). we did not go desecrating graves or beating people up or stealing cars or robbing people or anything really bad!

It was just kind of a Pessimistic Attitude Towards Life, Cynical and Nihilistic, that was Not Frowned Upon. And I glommed onto that like a moth to flame! I had the MOST negative attitude of anyone in the group! Also I was the most beta, having the least success with women of people in the Misfit Freak group.

strangely enough, I was also the best at school in that group.

how about you? hehehehehe.jpg

so I can’t really blame the group. It was the Perfect Storm of my Nihilism, Betaness, Wimpiness, and Good At School, that caused me to be a Misfit Everywhere, Fish out of Water everywhere, etc.

OK so still, what was the first cause of The Nihilism in the first place? The Grade School Group? The Mild Teasing? Main thing was, whatever it was, it was very Mild, and somehow I just glommed onto it and amplified it like crazy, like i liked it or soimething.

in other words, it would have happened at SOME POINT, because I would have inevitably been exposed to some shred of nihilism or negativity at SOME POINT.

Or maybe I was a Chaos-Gnostic who believed we live in a World Of Lies and Illusion!

OK, so is there ANYTHING I did with ANY sort of enthusiasm Ever? Hobbies?

Of course, I always liked music and movies and writing. When I was 13 I wrote an Epic Screenplay about an Uncool Kid who wanted a Gurlfran but his group was scorned by Gurls, then one day a Cute Gurl gave him a Chance, and found out how Cool he was, and then Dated and were In Luv! Quite revealing there!

I also wrote a “Journal” kind of like this; and wrote stories, usually about people in Luv or Out of Luv; listened to a ton of music, I WISH I could still enjoy music like that! Although I listened to really stupid music at the time, I wish I had listened to Better Music, and more diverse kinds (not that diversity is inherently Good, but for Music possibly it is!);

however we did not have Fast Internet back then. I had to save money to Buy CDs, and Buying CD’s was a Big Deal. you really tried to get your moneys worth by listening to crap cd’s more than you prob should have.

although i could have gotten more into Tape Trading. that would have been a great way to learn about more music at a cost effective way.

i also played music. in fact my main life goal was to Be In A Band, and specifically, Play Shows on a Stage. i never managed to do that, and was jealous of muh friends who did.

the REAL weird thing was, I wasn’t TERRIBLY creative with the music. it took me FOREVER to write ONE song. But I prob would have been happy to play music written by someone else too.

I would still not mind playing a Live Concert with a Band, A mix of covers and muh two or three original songs.

the other thing was, I was not terribly CONFIDENT in my musical skills. it was such a struggle. I never felt like a GOOD player, I always SUCKED compared to all the other Real Musicians, and this is still the case more than ever, since I do not practice anymore. Also, creating new music never came naturally to me at all, and that was very frustrating.

heh. so maybe I should have stuck to playing cover songs, and writing. but I did PLENTY of writing, I can assure you. i wrote ALL THE TIME, every day, even more than I do now!

When I was in 8th grade, I think I said I wanted to Become A WRITER. Heh. you can see how that worked out.

I never really liked READING though, strangely enough.

Anyway. Wanting to be a Professional WRITER is pretty much DESTINING yourself for a Life Of Misery And Loserhood. A Writer is the WORST Job to want to be. Because it truly is impossible unless you are a VERY hotshot young journalist going to the BEST schools and being the top 1% of journalism students there. and i was never interested in Journalistic Writing until recently.

And I HATE Journalists. I like to mock them and their bogus profession ruthlessly. Stupid gay middle class marxist hacks. I’m glad I’m NOT a professional writer cuz I can’t think of a single one i respect. my favorite “writers” are unpaid bloggers and vloggers. you can’t GET a job speaking THE TRUTH.

 

HAPPY THANKSGIVING and GOOD NEWS

HAPPY THANKSGIVING, although it is really only nov 21 as I post this. and the actual stuff I’m posting was written like nov 18. heh. gotta start doing one a days again.

But be thankful for anything good in yer life. Although I realize many people go home to be with their Dysfunctional Families at this time.

If your family is really as Dysfunctional as you think they are, yep that sucks, that’s a travesty, and you shouldn’t even go home for Thanksgiving. Hopefully you have been able to Move Beyond them so you’re not a Total F00kup in life and can hold down a job and maybe meet a nice decent mate and not Continue The Cycle.

anyway here’s the old stuff.

monday nov 18

I shudder to think that The College Career Cult, esp for example Unemployable, No-Account, No-Skills, Shiftless, Lazy 40 year old Male Military Veterans who Are Incapable of Passing Interviews for Minimum wage, Part Time, Substitute Jobs so they must go back to College to get a Degree because they learned and demonstrated nothing in the military, and so now they must get a DEGREE at COLLEGE to be employable….. and of course I’m being facetious because IMHO the jobs just aren’t there. Anyway, COLLEGE has become nothing more than a DISTRACTION, a Time-Occupier, to keep people from noticing the Real Issues of No Jobs, or the fact that Colleges do not train enough for the Actual Jobs Out There. By, for example, shutting down the Humanities and Social Sciences departments altogether and only offering STEM degrees. Or by taking more than 25 people per year into their Physical Therapy program, for example. So Hire more Physical Therapy Instructors.

So COLLEGE has become a BREAD AND CIRCUS, only without the Entertainment and Fun value, AND you have to go into Debt SLAVERY to finance it, AND if you don’t Outperform 90% of people there, you will get nothing out of it but a time and money waster, Especially if you’re an Older Person who’s Old and Might have Health Care Needs.

WHADDYA MEAN you want a FULL TIME job? That’s for Rich Bourge College Kids! Prole College Kids should only expect to work several simultaneous Part Time jobs for the rest of their Pathetic Prole Lives!

Heh. My motto is, if it’s gonna be a bread a circus to occupy the minds of the masses, at least let them ENJOY it, like fat slobs eating junk food and playing vidya and jerking off all day. That’s a LOT cheaper than COLLEGE. Smoking W33d all day for years is cheaper than College!

SUCH a crap shoot. For example, I hear stories that Biology and Chemistry Majors Can’t Get Jobs, that those are the Worst STEM degrees to get. However I Do Know Two Guys who got Chemistry Degrees and Got Good Jobs with Just A Bachelors Degree. But they went to Elite Schools. Not sure what their Extracurricular Situation was like: Internships, Research, GPA, Networking. They just seemed like Average Nice Guys though. I didn’t hate them for being “Tryhards”. Also I think they got their Jobs before 2008. Also they weren’t Neet Virgins, I think they banged actual Young QT’s, hahahahahahahahaha. Like dem excuses mang??

* Well, what if the LORD has given you a SIGN that HE wants you to get a Sociology Degree? Well, I would advise you not to argue with the LORD. I am all for using signs from the Lord. But just be aware that the LORD has directly you to a very risky venture with that one, had he expects you to do A LOT of the heavy lifting yourself. It would have been better for The Lord to give you a sign to major in Medical Docker or Nurse Practicioner or Physician Assistant or Physical Therapy or Computer Engineering or Math or Mechanical Engineering or Electrical Engineering.

nov 19

had interview today with job. good lord that is a big deal, lots of gravitas. Full Time Job, making Twice the money I’m making now, working respectable hours, not being a total loser. Heh although as far as Full Time Jobs Go, this is the Bottom of the Barrel and not the type of thing you Brag about to people with Career Jobs. Nope, this is a Job Job. The Parking Lot was full of Beaters. WElcome to the Real World. No I’m not judging the people driving Beaters because that could easily be me. I’M NEXT.

real weird how one of my first thoughts on actually having a real shot at a Full Time Job is to immediately Disqualify and Disparage it: “OH WELL it might be a fulltime job but it’s a LOSER fulltime job, a job for LOSERS, CERTAINLY not up to par with people your AGE, or ESPECIALLY people you went to UNIVERSITY with, who are now all dockers or lawyers or professors or entrepreneurs or directors of Nobel-Prize Winning NOnprofits or got Grad Degrees from HARVARD or OXFORD, and even when they pick stupid careers like ARTIST or JOURNALIST, they’re FAMOUS and SUCCESSFUL in those jobs. Type of people who would QUIT a Good-Paying JOb just because it was “Too Corporate.” heh heh.

(It really did not help my current situation of being a loser who compares himself to others, that I went to a Successful Person Elite Univ, filled with Winners, and even the Losers were 9000000000000000000x bigger winners than I am. I am quite literally the biggest f00king loser to have ever come from that school. And people who went to “Loser Univs” are also way bigger winners than me, because they’re normalfags who get their work done, network, intern, get useful degrees, don’t worry about others, etc.)

Or like, OH GOD, I can’t update my LInkedIn with THIS, or NOPE I can’t get back on Facebook with THIS.

Or, Oh goody, now I can start not being a virgin because I have a Full Time Job, which is the bare minimum for Pulling Women, but the only Women I could pull with such a LOSER, Low-Status Job is Hambeast Single Momz, Sperm-Burping Gutter Slutz, Hideous Mastodonz, over 35 year olds, etc. Thigh-Arms, Totally Unattractive Women that you couldn’t get it up for, in other words.

And then also a decent amount of OH GOD There will be too much talking in this job, how will I be able to handle it. I want to last at least one year So it doesn’t look like a “SHORT HOP” or someone who Gives Up when the Going Gets Tough. Not sure what the minimum there is, but it’s at LEAST one year. If not Two.

But I would be making like twice the money per year as I am now, so really I’m Twice as big a loser with my current loser underjob, than I would be with this other job.

At any rate, look at that FLOOD of Automatic Negative Thoughts that barged in when something REALLY GOOD Happened. That is VERY telling, VERY educational. WATCH AND LEARN.

I wonder if I also got that huge flood of ANTs (credit Dr Amen) when I had good stuff going on in Muh Luv Life for 2 minutes 9000000000 years ago. That fear and dread that the sh1t is gonna hit the fan REAL soon.

ANYWAY. this whole process has been happening SUPER fast. It was only 8 days ago that I first APPLIED for the job after hearing about it through a Real Life Person, which is muh Guardian Angel telling me, “Do This.”

A simple Resume submit, then calls from Corporate HR, then an Online Personality Test and Skills Test (which was pretty crappy but I knew how to Work It, and then the recruiter said I did REALLY GOOD on it. One of those things where you Lie about your Personality, hahahahah. My trick there was to not go to the extreme, like , “I am MUCH BETTER at conflict resolution than other people my age”, but rather a little bit, like “I am SOMEWHAT better.”

annnnd at 506pm I just got a call from the HR person saying that I could have the job. Whoa.

PLAY ONLY PREMIUM HANDS

mon nov 4 2013 8.10am

ended up looking a little a facebook last night. Protip: DON’T DO THAT, especially if you became a loser in college and everyone you went to college with became not just successful, but SUPER SUCCESSFUL. Oh look, so and so’s at harvard now, so and so invented a new ipad, so and so’s on the front page of the new york slimes, so and so won a nobel prize, so and so’s a successful artist with their own gallery, they are making a good living being a stupid ARTIST before age 30, so and so is on the cover of Time, so and so Just Saved The World, so and so is giving Activist Testimony in front of the US Supreme Court, so and so completed their PhD at Oxford and was immediately appointed full tenure professor at harvard, so and so is in the wedding announcements of the New York Slimes, she’s marrying a Billionaire Doctor Entrepreneur Lawyer Activist Professor Artist, etc.

So if your Facebook Time is like that, just quit facebook already.

So my Negative, Pessimistic Worldview and Bad Attitude is what makes me lazy, makes me NOT want to WORK for anything, and the bad attitude can be summed up as: Everything in life is a SCAM: Skool, College, Jobs, Careers, Women, Housing, Money, Loans, Job Search, Mate Search, Marriage, etc. So you gotta find a way to Scam The Scammers.

I compared it, of course, to my new favorite thing, texas holdem nolimit. It’s a Gamble. So you should fold 85% of your hands. Just fold em. Don’t Participate in the Scam until you get the Sure Thing, then go All In and hope to Double Up. But most of your time, 85% of the time, you will be saying, look at thsi sh1tty hand, f00k this sh1t, I FOLD, I PASS, I’m gonna sit this one out and not throw my money away. I’m not gonna put a huge bet on this skool, this job, this woman, this plan, unless it’s a PREMIUM HAND, a SURE THING. And it’s clearly not a Sure Thing!!!

I see the College Career Cult Tryhard mindset of Leadership!! Internships!! Networking!! Trying and Failing until you succeed!! Extracurriculars!! Busy Busy!!! etc, it’s not for me, I can’t play that game, I’m too old and too tired, no energy for that. It’s one thing if you’re 16 years old and Believe in that God, but I’m not and I don’t.

So now I try to find hacks and shortcuts and counterscams to scam the scammers: Gambling As A Career, Alternatives to College Cult, Oil Industry, North Dakota, Gold, Silver, Skilled Trades, Entrepreneurship, Destroying The Very Idea of Internships, going your own way, etc.

Or, “networking” with Powerful Local Entities on Twitter, hahahahaha, and becoming a Master at Business Buzzwords so you can become good at getting interviews, good AT interviews, and then Score A Decent Job Already, and then try to just Coast in that for the rest of life, because U never liked skool & u never liked work.

So what DO you like? Women, Drugs, gambling, movies, music, vacations, sleeping, eating hahahahahahaha.

So either you have Career Ambitions or you Don’t. I Def don’t. So how do you GET Ambitions? I would say, by experiencing a little success somewhere, and then saying, hey that feels good man, I’m gonna continue going down this path and get some MOAR SUCCESS. (see MOMENTUM) But I would argue, without that initial taste of success, you don’t develop that deeper ambition.

tues nov 5 2013

* To lift your mood IMMEDIATELY, listen to the following MUSIC RIGHT NOW:

Super Mario Brothers 2 (NES): First stage music, where you’re wakling thru the tropical sunny landscape ****

Dragon Quest 8 (Ps2) : walking thru the world music

Zelda Link To The Past (SNES): whole darn soundtrack on youtube

Super Mario World (SNES): that one with the real lively ragtime type piano, often in the Sky Treetops stages

had that SMB2 music pop into my head early in the morning for no real reason, other than yesterday I listened to the dq8 and link2past music. Started whistling the SMB2 music. It worked wonders.

* Whistle ridiculously cheerful music in the morning, dance a stupid little dance, do it until for like an hour until you feeeeeeeeel haaaaaaaaaappier.

* Make a Mix CD with those songs and listen to it in the Car on your Morning Commute.

* Play a little Game with your Commute: try to get from home to underwork without ever coming to a complete stop. This will involve driving under the speed limit when you are approaching a red light.

* you can play this game whenever you are driving really, just be aware you can get PULLED OVER if you drive too slow.

* Because driving slow is better for your car than driving fast like a Leadfoot Tailgatin’ Woman, and avoiding using your brakes helps your brakes last longer.

Last night as muh mind was filled with worry and regret and sadness over what a loser I have become and how I have no ambition in skool or career or wimmin and hated everything and thought everything was a stupid scam and a lie, it came to me: yep this is muh Religious moment, muh Come To Jesus moment. This is that rock bottom where you get down on your knees and beg the LORD for some relief from this DESPAIR. So I sorta did that, and felt a little better. You do it too.

Also, deep heavy breathing does work wonders. Whenever you’re getting emo, simply take 5 super deep slow breaths, you will see a noticeable difference.

* since I am all about Paleo Lifestyle, it’s amazing I haven’t mentioned INTERMITTENT FASTING by now. look that up and see what a good starting procedure is. surely once every two weeks wouldn’t kill you. We Amerifats simply EAT TOO MUCH, and of crap food to boot. Paleo Man wasn’t eating this much, he probably ate HALF as much or less, and they never got cancer, heart disease, diabetis, hypertension, inflammatory disease, autoimmune disease. So FAST every once in a while. Couldn’t hurt, especially if you need to lose a little weight anyway, heh heh heh.

I’VE BEEN DISCOVERED BY WIZARDCHAN / TRUE LUV pt 4

Aug 9 2013

Well, I guess I was baiting them by talking about them so much, linking to them, talking about wizards. I am actually too scared to visit the link from Wizardchan that sent like 50 people here in one day. Probably saying what a patronizing normalfag I am.  so I’m SCARED of WIZARDS?

If anything, I do relate to their “feels” of “Depression.” However I know damn well I fail the Inclusion Criteria, so I don’t post there. In fact, I don’t post ANYWHERE, not even the more “normalfag” ridden r9k. I just don’t want to Talk to People On The Internet! Plus I hate being criticized! This is why I do not allow comments here. I do not walk f00king “DISCUSSIONS.”

Anyway I am NOT HOSTILE to Wizardchan or Wizards. However they might be hostile to my implication that they somehow need to be “fixed.” Heh. I am not implying that. I am just trying to fix myself and anyone else that WANTS to work on fixing themselves.  So I guess I could be “poaching” people from Wizardchan. Heh. don’t flatter self.

Anyway just believe me when I say my intention is not to be hostile to Wizardchan, so please do not Rustle My Jimmies! I am just trying to help people with “Depression”, or with being lazy losers.
AUG 7 2013 (wednesday)

think my upped dosage of 15 mg is starting to finally kick in, had a semi vivid dream last night. was real tired in the morning and could not get moving. kinda wanted to get and do my “internship” but could not get moving. Went for brisk powerwalk, now mixed with some jogging. ok great. I could get in and do 1 hour of internship but I can’t get jack s done in one hour, 2 is the minimum. so I decided to use that time to update blog, watch the opening scene of Turin Horse again, hahahaha.

Was actually not feeling too bad, like the Paxil was doing what it was supposed to, when I SAW GIRL 7 in the flesh for the first time since The Big Rejection about Ten Months ago. Actually handled it OK. Was not as confident alpha as I could be, and thankfully there was other people around. Ideally I would have been such a Charming Alpha right there to charm her pants off and make her say “I’VE MADE A HUGE MISTAKE” and “Come back to me,” but I was not. OF COURSE she is doing extremely well: succeeding at her Lower Middle Class Useful Bachelors Degree Job, AND getting a new job she wants more, AND taking Summer Classes, AND starting a Useful Masters Degree Program, and not all angry and hateful about it like I would be.

Person who likes school, does well in school, reaps what they sow, doing well, and not becoming a decadent debauched wh0re in the process like most Professional Career Education-Loving Wimmin. I wanted HER, and I also wanted to have her attitude and work ethic. And I ENVIED her because she is STRONGER than me. However, this is largely because she doesn’t hate SKOOL NEARLY as much as me. You will never MEET a person who HATES SKOOL as much as I do! I Hate Skool More than any person has ever hated skool. She does not hate skool, so she is more willing to apply herself to skool, and she doesn’t get all butthurt and give up on skool. heh its a feedback loop of course, she CAN’T hate skool so much because skool has WORKED for her. But skool worked for her because she worked for it, see. You get out what you put in. And I’m not willing to put in anything beyond getting Good Grades. When it’s a combination of good grades, networking, extracurriculars, and a useful major that will get you an actual decent job, like she has!

Heh heh. she is a normalfag who has never experienced how “depression” aka lazy loserness can make you hate skool and fail at skool and then fail at life because you hate everything and give up on everything!

Whatever the case, I never wanted to see her again! But I guess I am holding up surprisingly well given that she is Every Bit As SUCCESSFUL and WINNING as I “feared” she’d be, while I am the same old fat hateful school-hating loser I always was.

Yeah I would have preferred not to see her, but at least seeing her didn’t totally destroy me. Heh. I just hope I don’t see her again! A Man could easily rip an old wound open, especially since A Man has not met any wimmin in the past 10 months to throw her off her Eternal Pedestal! And still thinks about her about 1 minute a day, but thankfully that can easily be turned off after 1 minute. But I did not want to see her ever again, so I am a LITTLE angry and upset.

Same day also got a Rejection Email for the Good-Paying Part-Time Job I spent 8 hours Crafting the Perfect Application to, and really wanted to Get An Interview For. Didn’t get an interview. But I actually appreciated getting something rather than nothing. The tone of the letter was actually really nice and compassionate. And it said that they had 81 people apply. First I was surprised to get a letter, and for the letter to SAY HOW MANY people. Actually I kinda expected MORE than 81 people. Heh. The person they hired better have a MASTERS degree.

Anyway. The Healthy Happy man just observes these setbacks but doesn’t let them hold him back. Just Keeps Struggling On. Resilience. Persistence. 20 mg of SSRI, hahahahahahaha. Happy Dancing. Lift. Pray. 1 minute of Jogging. Banging B1tches decadently. Too Old To Ever Fall In Love Again, hahahaha.

Heh. I almost wish you could PAY Normal Girls money to give you a lap dance. Like Normal Cute Young Girls you see at Skool or Work or The Restaurant or wherever. Because I hate Strip Clubs and Strippers. HATE them. YES I have been to them, and recently, and even gotten A Dance, and still hated the whole experience. Other than the CONCEPT of paying a cute girl to sit on you. That I don’t mind. But I do mind that they’re disgusting strippers. I wish they were “normal” girls.

Heh. I envied her for being Well Adjusted.  It’s not that Life Is Easy for Well Adjusted People, it’s just that they have a Better Work Ethic, Better Follow Through, Bounce Back from Setbacks better, don’t get discouraged as easily, and thus Bring Their Goals to fruition, and rightfully appear happy and successful, while others of us look like lazy, angry, bitter, hateful, butthurt, immature losers, hahahahaha.

oK, life may not be EASY for Normalfag Well Adjusted “Neverdepresseds”, but, given the same exact challenging situation, the Neverdepressed will find it a LOT easier than the “Depressed!”

[Note: tonnes o’ grills are good at skool and career and are NOT well-adjusted, they are totes cray c00nts who like cuckolding and abusing men. It goes without saying, I am no fan of them, and I shun them for being godless, godforsaken wh0res. But SHE was DIFFERENT!!!! Waaaaaah!

Note: I’m just kidding sorta, I don’t think these women are Intentionally Sadistic, but they’re just Crazy.]

And I don’t get all Butthurt and mad or even Excited about Women in the past 10 months, SHE was the last Woman I had any sort of Strong Feelings for. All the other ones, I might go HNNNGGGG sometimes, but I just don’t really CARE about them. I CARED for her.

We “Depressed” Losers CAN be legit Annoying because we DO make a lot of EXCUSES. But I posit that these excuses seem damn legit and convincing to us, alot moreso than they do to you, you neverdepressed workaholic tryhard happy healthy successful good job normalfag!

Like Oh, She developed a good work ethic because she had tons of College Mentors in her family guiding her and keeping an eye on her, or She didn’t hate college because she didn’t hate High School, or she was not all angry during high school that she wanted to rebel against everything and “experiment” with drugs and alcohol and dark weird negative movies and music bla bla bla. Or, her challenges were Easier because she was not “Depressed” etc.

Or the idea that “Depression” ITSELF is just an EXCUSE for being a FAILURE and a LOSER, and it is the one flimsy weakass thing standing between us being Morally Inferior Weak Lazy Losers!!!!

Heh. I like to think I have a Great “Depressiondar.” When you see Winner Well Adjusted Normalfags like that, with everything going for them. Maybe they did not have an easy life, maybe they struggled hard as f00k, maybe they were raped and abused and tortured and held prisoner in a sex bunker…..but they never GAVE UP, which might be the HALLMARK of The “Depressed.” You just GIVE UP. You stop trying. You don’t want to try any more, so you stop trying. You know you Shouldn’t Feeeeeeel this way, you know what a normalfag should feel, but, something’s just not connecting any more. Neurotransmitters, hahahahaha. So take your damn medz, who cares if they’re made by Plutocrats. Besides, it’s not like you were Abused or Neglected by your Family! You were raised in a GOOD Family, you have NO REASON to Be such a Loser UNLESS you were born with a Defective Brain somehow! So take the medz to fix it!

But again, I am a Weird Case, because I didn’t start acting out until AFTER age 18. Then you’re an adult and anything you do is your own damn fault.

BUT The foundations for that acting out were definitely in place well before 18: I hated high school, was angry and negative, experimented with drugs and alcohol in high school, felt like it was me against the world, misanthropic, never get a gurlfran, hahahaha. Yep, I did have Above Average amount of Teen Angst. Although All Teens have Some Angst! It was prob hard to tell.

What if I had met Girl 7 while we were both in HIGH SCHOOL? Now there’s a weird thought. I might not have even liked her then. Who knows.

Heh. Yeah. Really wish I had not randomly run into her today.

So now when I try to FOCUS on like Calculus or Computer Programming, I stare at the sh1t and it makes no sense and I get frustrated, and I try to force it in my brain, and I somehow get an A, but boy am I NOT happy about it.

Right now I am supposed to be studying and doing Homework in….don’t want to give too much away, but something Kinda Related to “Web Development.” ASP.NET, Connecting To Data Stores, and it really is kinda stressful and overwhelming, moreso than a class with specific assignments and syllabus and readings and lessons. And me trying to figure stuff out from The Internet and vaguely remembering stuff from years ago. But oh well, I’m giving it X months, I don’t intend to GIVE UP on THIS. I might just not approach it as Eagerly as Girl 7 Approached HER Skoolwork. Even IF this is my one, only, final ticket out of Loserness.

A recurring dream I have is that I’m Back In Elite College, that I’ve been given a Second Chance, and I STILL Screw it up.

Heh. I might make a Documentary for People Like Us. Lazy “Depressed” Losers. Or a Talk Radio Show. Because we DO whine, we DO Make excuses, but I think it makes perfect SENSE that we do whine and make excuses.

I KNOW how off-putting it is to people you might want to somehow impress, so around people like that, I put on a happy face. Because I KNOW Whining is annoying.

I can certainly live without her, but when I saw her, I was reminded of what my life was missing: her or someone like her! And I’ve never really met anyone else like her! basically it shows you how amazing and wonderful your own heart is, to even be capable of such Profound, Transformative, Soul-Nourishing Love. It’s not a need, but it’s definitely a Bigass Want!

Real, real weird, man. Wish this hadn’t happened. Even though I AM dealing with it REALLY well. The LORD is TESTING me. You call that a TEST, I can take that and 90000 times more. heh. but hopefully not.

So yeah I will always be upset that we Couldn’t Be Together, because I was in True Love with her, had absolutely no qualms about Marrying Her, when the idea of Marrying any other woman seems absolutely LUDRICROUS. But with her it would be just great.

But the ever more frustrating thing right now is that I can’t focus and get my work done and can’t advance in life cause I can’t focus my mind and get the work done because I can’t stop thinking about how I’ll never be a Winner with an OK Job, and never Be With A Good Girl like her, hahahahahaha.

Heh. just wish she coulda seen me as a big winner. I coulda been a big winner. I had a real smart brain and I still had a little bit of discipline left in high school! I coulda been a bigger winner than she is now! Then she would have liked me and we could have gotten married and started a fambly.

but it was not meant to be. doesn’t mean I have to SEE her though. I don’t WANT to see her. ever. again. If she wanted to regularly see me, she’d have to understand the strings that go with that. True Love Never Dies. THAT’s why you ideally would NEVER see the person ever again. And then you have some chance of Getting Over Them and Moving On.

next day. day off.

yeah it was bad, but it could have been worse, each day it will get better, just sleep on it a couple days. the real challenge is getting Work Done. being productive, rather than sitting in bed like a lazy loser, like I’m doing RIGHT NOW, hahahaha. excuse was that I needed to charge the mp3 player and put some more vidyas on it. On a kick of watching nothing but “depression” vidyas. If this is my main thing, then I have to face it Head On.

next day, fri:

wow thurs SUCKED. could barely MOVE. like the hangover. but today was a little better. should not take me 9 months to get over seeing her once. maybe only 9 days, hahahaha.

Could not get my work done, could not even get my work STARTED, definite “IMPAIRMENT OF FUNCTIONING” as they say in the literature, haha.  Shirked my responsibilities. par for the course, could only watch movies and listen to “Depression” vidyas on youtube.

Regarding The Girl, it’s really TWO “issues”: me being In True Luv with her, AND, what is prob the BIGGER issue, is that she is a total success in every way that I am total failure. She is the Positive, Hardworking, HEalthy, Happy Normalfag I wished I could be, and she has reaped all the deserving successes I wish I could deserve to reap. Did the right things where I, at that Stage Of Life, had made Big Mistake after Big Mistake.  So I didn’t just want her, I kinda wanted to BE Her in a way, to have her Healthy, Happy, Hardworking Winner Mind.

So that is huge, prob more important than the actual being in Luv with her, although the two things are intertwined.

SOLUTION: Continue No Contact. This is just further proof that I cannot see her EVER again for the rest of my LIFE.

Of course, this meeting was completely Random, I had no control over it. I can just PRAY it doesn’t happen again. Of course, if I were a Huge Winner by now, it would be easier to take. Everything would be easier to take! “Maybe She would have not rejected me if I were a Big Masculine Winner and not a Lazy Underachieving Loser!”

That kinda stuff.

Heh. It was the impetus I needed to go from 15 mg to 20 mg. 20 mg is the goal, it is the Minimum Effective Dose.

Omar of “Depression Hero.” Just discovered him. I Kinda like him or at least I like what he’s doing. Sorta like what I’d like to try to do. Help people, give them some good ideas.

Now Omar / Depression Hero is pretty Anti-Med, which is fine, since till very recently I was quite Anti-Med too. Heh. Whereas now I am pro-med again.  Because without the meds I really can’t think straight and get work done. If I had a decent job THEN I could think about weaning off the meds. Or if I had gotten married to Girl 7, hahahahahaha. The Perfect Mate.

But now I am desperate to clear the anger and hate and distraction from my mind, desperate the think straight and actually follow through with stuff on work/school. Desperate to think straight and do my “internship” stuff and not shirk my new responsibilities, make the most of the help that’s been given to me, not disappoint any more people.

LESSON FOR THE DAY:

If you’re in LUV with a Grill and she rejects you, then insist on NO CONTACT. If you see her Randomly 10 months later, expect to have a real bad day the next day. but then it should get better soon after that.  just continue doing no contact. And if she’s a huge winner and you’re a huge loser, realize that will figure LARGELY into yer feels, it’s not just you being in love with her, but all of your OTHER feels about being a huge loser. This is what happens when Losers Fall in True Love with Winners, hahaha.

If you’re feeling Super Desperate, try getting on the Lowest Effective Dose. You may well reach a point where the littlest things are so hard, where your mind refuses to work, where you are desperate enough to take that Plutocrat Poison! Absolutely Anything to Think Straight!

To take a page from Omar Depression Hero: if you can’t Directly COntradict/Refute your Automatic Negative Thoughts, then at least say SOMETHING positive for every negative thought you have, for example: “Thank God I can Walk. Thank God I’m not blind.” that’s a pretty good idea.