MEN HAVE VERY HIGH COMPETENCE WITH LOW EXPERIENCE, WOMEN HAVE NO COMPETENCE WITH VERY HIGH EXPERIENCE

oct 2

ok used this thing called coinpatrol to set up a bitcoin email alert to send me an email when the price drops more than 4% in one day. then i know I should think about buying hehehehehe. surprised coinbase doesnt have this. why not? prob because it costs money to develop and implement hehehehe. cuts into their profits goy.

so how come coinpatrol can do it? i guarantee they have WAY less money than coinbase.

explain this to a caller right now! you’re the expert!

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/593201-girlfriend-dumped-me-unexpectedly-fight-her-give-up

got to stay away from reddit. just go to loveshack instead. i dont even know. loveshack COULD be worse. but at this point its better to take the devil you DONT know hahaha.

ok did 1 app of the day at stupid gay hospital that alwasy rejects me and is unprofessional as fook HR dept. because i can do these apps in 4 minutes and not 14 and didnt want to think at all cuz its sunday hahahaha.

also i didnt understand she was Checking Out Permanently from the Rel. I thought we were just going through a rough patch but that she just wasnt in the process of moving out. i wish she had TOLD ME hey just fyi, im moving out permanently right now. just so you know. no we ARENT gonna talk about this. im getting out as we speak.

because that is not whats implied by “i miss you too, of course well hang out soon”

hehehehe.

and i was too desperate and blind to read the nonverbal signs. but how about giving some verbal signs too, like, yeah, things arent looking real good for this, i dont think i can do this anymore, lets end this hahahaha.

they say not to be a perfectionist…..but you kinda HAVE to be! well, if not 100% perfect, then youhave to be #1 out of all the competitors. not #2. #1. the best. you have to be The #1 Best option among the options for the job, for the woman.

you can be GOOD, you can be CLOSE, but if you’re not #1, then the end result is 100% rejection, same as the retarded mongoloid at the bottom of the heap. private pyle.

and people say dont be a perfectionist…..but you HAVE to be to be successful in life. and then when you see people who are moderately successful in life (like that woman) who are not that impressive. im smarter and better than her!!!!! she’s perfectly average, even a little below average!

but im also not as smart as i think i am.

and then on bad days i think i am really stupid, and i am not really THAT stupid either.

well if she and other normies can be perfectly average and still be moderately successful, then I am probably average too, then why arent i moderately successful? because I’m not THE BEST? THEYRE not the best either!!!!!! they are just AVERAGE!!!!!

you shouldnt be able to be moderately successful if you are Just Average! You should have to be THE BEST in order to be moderately successful!!!!

for someone who naturally asks WHY? WHY? to be able to move on without why, to accept that why doesnt matter, is frustrating. whether its a woman dumping you in a harsh way, or somethign at your job that you SHOULD be able to explain, but cant, and even your employer doesnt care why, because to find out why would cost too much, for too little reward. why? i dont beleive it. show me those calculations.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/597008-dealing-regrets

sheeeeeit. i think the biggest dealbreaker for me is not mudsharking, not even abortions, but just being a damn high number slut.

well, i have been willing to date high number sluts though, as long as they were qt and young. actually having children would probably be the dealbreaker. i have never been INterested in a woman who had children.

but I HAVE been willing to Date women who:

  1. were high number sluts
  2. had mudsharked
  3. had had abortions

so…..SEE!!! I AM WILLING TO COMPROMISE AND LOWER MUH STANDARDS!!!!!!!

now i never was interested in a woman who was ALL THREE. well…..i just dont know do I? its a lot harder to prove they have mudsharked or had abortions than to prove they are a slut. women will openly admit to being with a lot of guys, but arent as willing to admit theyve been with muds, or had abortions. you gotta be man enough to ask them.

ht     tps://heartiste.wordpress.com/2016/09/29/the-wages-of-sluttery/

i think heartiste might have officially come out as a 1488 WN. i hope he does. i mean he’s definitely sympathetic.

women have lots of male friends. men do not have many women friends. WOMEN do not have many women friends. therefore, we can concluded that women are shittier friends/people than men. Corrollary: women only have all these men friends because the men have ulterior motives hahahaha. want to fook them. no this doesnt mean all the men are dishonest NiceGuys. it just means they are desparate, sad, and lonely, desparate for female contact because they don’t have any.

jeez there is such drama going on at damn TRS, people getting banned left and right, infighting o rama, so stupid, a guy i really like was banned, and i dont agree with the banning, but if i complain about it, i will get banned, because its a fascist forum. because we are pro fascist. so what happens when the fascist admins ban people you like. you just keep silent and fall in line? it just seems all so fookin stupid. i dont dislike the guy who banned him, im just disappointed he went ahead and did that. i like both guys. banning should be for true enemies, traitors, subverters. and the guy who got banned was none of that. he just refused to stop talking to some people who had ruffled the higher ups feathers. damn.

also some cliquish bullshit that implies that TRS is softer on phaggotry than they should be. and i think there has been some hot heads and overreactions and misunderstanding, and good people get mad and ban other good people, and it leaves you with a sour taste.

so i hope they unban this one guy in particular.

its not enough to make me stop supporting TRS…..but if they keep doing stuff like this, that is not a good way to be.

theres just several cliques, a schism developing, a pro gay and an anti gay side. so fookin stupid. kinda related to how common filth fell out with the TRS people. now its a similar thing with natt and IM. ie, they are all on the CF side (very anti gay) who say that TRS is a pro gay side because they like MW and “Grindr Greggy” and richard spencer.  dont have a strong opinion on spencer, but I do like MW and GJ, but I also like florian who just got banned from TRS, but I think CF is too blackpill, I kinda like natt, i dunno, this drama is so retarded.

for what its worth, i dont think florian is a major instigator, possibly CF and slavros are. and natt.

this sorta shit has gone on forever with Political Movements. But I like florian and this is pretty disappointing, i really dont think he should have been banned. maybe he will be unbanned. people have been unbanned before.

in the final analysis i would end up on the pro-phag side because i am that big on supporting MW. i feel a Great Connection and Intimacy with him hahahahahaha because he was a despairing neet like me who threw his youth away and had many years of failure and no normies can understand that, and many alt righters are normie chads in that respect and dont understand it.

they will ALWAYS condemn MW because of his past, nothing he says or does now will ever be good enough for these Purity SPiralers hehehe. then they in turn say anyone who uses the term PUrity Spiral is a Phag Enabler. so thats me i guess. a phag enabler. a degen sodomite.

i just dont think its a huge problem, and i will even tolerate repentant gays. i think the muchhhhhhh bigger problem is degenerate slut WOMEN. and again, hate the sin not the sinner here. but i GUARANTEE that pound for pound, female promiscuity and casual sex is 1488000000000000000000000000 times a bigger problem than gay sex. like 1 out of 50 men is gay. 25 out of 50 women are sluts. COME ON. and im just talking about white men and women here.

anyway it sounds like iron march is attacking TRS more than TRS is attacking IM, which is not at all, TRS is just ignoring IM and banning IM sympathizers. and i guess the trs admins decided florian was too much of an IM sympathizer. doesnt mean im still not disappointed! I really liked florian! I hope florian is unbanned! I will still follow florian!

well the admin made an effortpost describing the situation so i appreciate that. im not asking for IM or natt to be unbanned. i just think florian got a bit of a raw deal.

BASICALLY, people like natt, common filth, and slavros of IM are pretty much anti-TRS and denounce TRS as phag-enablers, because TRS is friendly with spencer, greggy, and MW. those 3 guys go on twitter and talk shit about TRS. therefore, i can understand why TRS would not want these people on podcasts promoted on the TRS site.

I would still give florian the benefit of the doubt though. maybe just give him a tempban, or not advertise the episodes that had natt on. florian has the right to talk to whoever he wants, and TRS has the right not to promote those episodes. and natt and cf are overreacting by saying TRS is phag enabling. I read “grindr greggy” for years before TRS even existed. and I am pretty damn defensive of MW. I REALLY do not like people dissing MW. ive never heard florian dissing TRS or MW, thats all Im saying.

anyway. i was gonna say, women have WAY more experience than men being in relships, long term relships, being with several guys for a year, 2 years apiece……yet they are still INCOMPETENT AF, ESPECIALLY given all the EXPERIENCE and TIME they had. HIGH EXPERIENCE, VERY LOW COMPETENCE. in terms of learning lessons, becoming mature, getting good at skills like communication, problem resolution, compromise, communication, etc.

meanwhile, men have much less experience, AND much much MORE Competence! I have learned lessons and skills that women who have spent 5, 10 years of their lives In Rels have Not Yet learned……and Ive spent 0 minutes In A Rel! The Shit I’ve learned just from One sided pining, and friendships, and reading, and being rejected, and aborted pseudo-dating, i’ve learned more than most women learn from 5,6,7 solid YEARS of being IN a REAL rel!!!!!!!!

DAMN!!!!!

That woman was in a rel for 5 years with a guy, lived with him for years, spend 1000000s of hours having secs and being intimate with him, people saying i luv u to each other and seeing each other every day, and i have experienced NONE of that, yet I am STILL more Competent and Skilled and Mature and Knowledgeable than a Woman who has LIVED that LIFE for YEARS!!!!!! What does that tell you about womens AWARENESS and Maturity and Intelligence and Ways of Thinking???!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!

I am not just talking about her, but women in general.

well……i am just making assumptions again! maybe she DID KNOW a lot of shit, it was just a matter of COURAGE. she didnt have the COURAGE to do the right thing, so she just AVOIDED it. doesnt mean she DIDNT KNOW any better. she KNEW better, just didnt have the COURAGE to follow through with it.

who cares it was SIXTEEN MONTHS AGO.

but i said it would take TWO SOLID YEARS to get over.

just wish I had some MJ to help me get through those two long years tho!!!!!!

and also a damn job that I could work without panicking and freaking out and having damn terrified RUN AWAY flight or flight reaction!!!!!

sheeeeeeeeit.

oct 3

sheeeeeeit. trying to prep for phone interview tomorrow. glassdoor suggests that the job could pay close to 40k or 42k. 20 to 21 an hour. when i am only looking for 12 an hour. so now I gotta up THAT to look like im not desperate and below their league. well then WHY did their highly qualified HR wimmin with a masters degree pick ME for the phone interview?

also wish i had more exact stories from my old job. i copied some old cases but i neglected to copy my BEST cases.

so thats a regret. whenever i had a big problem or a ridiculous case at work, i should have wrote down as many details as i could, really just copied the whole case itself, and then spun it like what could i do to really save the day here, even if i didnt, and then tell that detailed, heroic, epic story in future interviews. but none of the cases i copied out of there were really THAT great.

its funny. even in my hardest college classes, i never felt like “this is too hard for me, i cant handle this. this is too complicated. im too dumb for this.” because i knew that somewhere out there, there was an answer to the problems, even if the teacher sucked and the book sucked, and if the problem sucked too much, you just gave it your best shot, got 1%, and didnt really care, cuz no one was gonna really BITCH at you about it, AND later you would probably be corrected and learn how to do the problem anyway. you were given readings and problems and lectures on HOW to do the shit. you knew about exams and deadlines from the beginning of the term. sometimes your instructor even HELPED you prepare for exams, like here’s what you really need to know, focus on this, not so much that, let’s take some questions and make sure we understand so and so.

and you NEVER had to explain anything to some bitch who was bitching you out for being an incompetent idiot who was bad at your job. it wasnt such a big deal to get stuff wrong.

your “team” and managers didnt resent you for making mistakes, your “customers” didnt resent you for making mistakes. you didnt really have a team. you didnt have customers. you just had an instructor who was like, welp you got this question wrong, its not the end of the world, and I will help you get your grade up if you are willing to put in the work. im not gonna BITCH at you for getting it wrong. I sorta want to help you understand these concepts better.

our stupid job was the type of job that REALLY made you want to DRINK. like oh god i cant believe i survived that day, OH GOD, I need a STRONG drink RIGHT NOW. and then you would CHUG some whiskey or scotch or vodka equal to at LEAST 1.5 or 2 shots worth, just chug it straight from the bottle. and THEN you would be like wewlad, ok, welp i HAD to a serious SHOT, now I will have a serious DRINK to unwind. then you pour a sipping drink equal to at least 2 or 3 shots. basically a minimum of 5 drinks to unwind from EVERY day.

5 drinks every workday will eventually turn you into an alcoholic and also the hangovers will become a problem. for work.

also, if you NEED 5 drinks, youre not gonna stop at 5. you will say shit, might as well have another. and another. the 5 really easily turns into 10. then youre shitfaced drunk and have to work the next day.

note: i never did any of this. and thats kind of a miracle. i mean i could see drinking honestly HELPING you in this situation.

i am surprised more people didnt drink ON the job. probably because you were in close quarters and could probably smell it.

but yeah every day i went in there, it felt like an Exam I Couldnt Handle, that I wasnt prepared for. Sure I generally got SOME test anxiety whenever i had a college test……but the shit i faced every day at the job was WORSE, because i never felt prepared, AND I had to talk to people who were bitching about their problems and thought I had the knowledge and skills to fix them…..when i actually knew just as much or less than they did.

oct 2 received millennial woes tshirt. not bad woesy. manlet woes lad hahahahaha.

well you know why people arent interested in their race being genocided, because they are too busy working 60 hours a week and then worrying about their job all other waking hours of the week. they simply dont have time to think about their race being genocided because all they can think or do is work. and beleive me theyre not happy about it! they wish they could think about anything else! when i was into the full swing of working, i could not follow news or racial stuff at all! i wanted to, but i was just too exhausted! I was so focused on day to day survival that i could not even THINK about what is happening to the white race!

i mean i CARED sure, but i cared more about how the hell i was going to survive the firing squad every day, the 10 hour Dissertation Defense where you hadnt spent 5 years researching and writing and thinking about your dissertation, your were basically plopped down to defend someone elses shitty dissertation in a field you knew nothing about.

if you had a 12 week boot camp like you do for boot camp, they would probably teach you some Fallback Training so that when you got weird shit, you could just Fall Back On Your Training and go through the motions and fake it till you make it.

but when you have shitty training, you just sit there and go uhhhhhhhhhhhhh like a deer in headlights and say i got nothing. i really have no idea. and youre stuck with me here. my higher ups dont have time to talk to you. youre stuck with me and i dont know what im doing, so bear with me because this IS gonna take a while. you would LITERALLY have just as good a chance trying to fix this yourself by looking at some chinese manual. because thats what im doing. and tyring to figure out what this goddam chinese manual is saying. and your guess is as good as mine.

like going to your doctor and he asks YOU for advice in treating YOUR problem. pretty ass backwards uh?

so yeah a VERY stiff drink is warranted at the end of the day. and if you cant drink, then a bigass spliff or bowl so you can get blazed as fook. i couldnt drink, and honestly getting blazed as fook was better than doing nothing.

my choices were get blazed, take valium, exercise, study shit to try to get a sense of control, go to bed early, and i tried a combination of all of those.

the best was: getting really blazed, then study cases for an hour or 90 minutes, then maybe exercise, then gt blazed some more, then go to bed early.

but yeah i wish there was a book or a mentor who could help you thru the early phases. like goddamn TRAINING WHEELS. and then you take off the training wheels when youre READY, or at least 75% CLOSE to being ready!

oh xfinity comcast i hate you kieran from comcast. not just that they give bad service and are joos, but that they have the AUDACITY to think THIS COMMERCIAL proves that they are improving their service. they put this stuff right out there are WERE SUPPOSED TO BE IMPRESSED? IMPRESSED THAT YOU CAN CHANGED YOUR WIFI PASSWORD? IMPRESSED THAT YOU CAN TWEET TO A SERVICE REP? IMPRESSED THAT YOU CAN SCHEDULE A CALL?????? NO!!!!!!!! NO ON ALL COUNTS!!!!!!!!

as far as customer service goes……learn a lesson from the companies that do it GOOD. (well). Companies that are rated by their customers as having great customer service. and then do what they do. all i know is that zappos and nordstrom have a REPUTATION for good customer service. maybe marriott or hilton too. do what they do.

its hard to think straight when youre panicking because youve never seen this before AND you have no idea how to fix it.

HOW CAN YOU FIX SOMETHING YOUVE NEVER HEARD OF??????

While this situation fills me with panic and dread, the idea Tech Person is EXCITED about the CHALLENGE. they LIKE Bullshitting their ways out of these RIDICULOUS situations.

woman is “ghosted” by man. just like finding/reading “ghosting” stories. this was worse because they were officially dating for 1.5 years. and she still handled it better than i did hahahaha.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/living-forward/201511/is-why-ghosting-hurts-so-much

i probably linked this article again but it came up in that reddit

also there are no damn MEN talking about how theyve been ghosted by WOMEN so all these horrible reddit women are saying, “hmm this sounds like a male thing to do”

but yeah fact is reddit is just more interesting and easier to browse and read than loveshack.

heh. if you get put on the state medical mj list……do cops see that whenever they scan your license when you get pulled over? how much work needs to be done for LE to see if you are on that list? would it come up in a regular background check? what about a more serious background check? how many kinds of background checks are there? is the background check to get a sweet 40k a year job in a Good Company more or less stringent than the background check to get in the FBI? or a secret govt clearance? or get a job as a Copper?

heh there was a Creepy Clown sighting a few miles from my house. this has started to become a Real Life Meme in 2016 (actually I remember it earlier, but it seems to be Spiking again in Oct 2016 and imagine halloween has something to do with it) Just a Creepy Clown standing in a parking lot at 2 am waving at cars.

not too far from my house, and really close to HER house. I admit I read the news article sort of wishing to see HER commenting on it. damn. PATHETIC.

some people get the proper perspective, and when the person who GHOSTS them comes crawling back 6, 12, 15 months later, the ghostee says FOOK YOU ASSHOLE, FOOK OFF AND DIE YOU PIECE OF SHIT, which is the appropriate thing to say. her, i would take her back no question and be like i forgive you baby, i can understand why you did this, you were just scared, its ok baby i forgive you.

 

wow. IT TAKES A WHILE FOR SOME PEOPLE TO GET COMFROTABLE WITH SECS, YA DUMB, DIRTY WHORE!!!!!!

and ex boifran WHO IS ALSO HER BEST FRIEND

OH COME ON

PATHETIC.

ABSOLUTELY DEGENERATE.

well its more complicated, this case is, basically she is dumping him because shes still in luv wth her ex, not because he was awkward the one and only time they had secs. so really, nothing too interesting here.

i just hate how women have NO PROBLEM having secs quickly. dont they get NERVOUS? even if it werent degenerate, i would get NERVOUS! i dont KNOW this person! now im showing them my naked body and rubbing our genitalia together? and women have all these goddamn BODY ISSUES ANYWAY!!! and theyre NOT NERVOUS letting STRANGERS fook their naked body??!?!?!?! and they always  forget that women can get pregnant? WTF??!?!?!?!?!!!

you cant touch a womans stomach without them freaking out, but you can know them for less than 2 hours and stick your diseased dick up her cvnt uncovered and take videos and pictures of it. un fookin believable. wearing fooking sleeveless shit to show off their fat arms. yet if you touch their stomach, you get dumped. what idiots.

you get dumped if you dont compliment them the right way. if you compliment them the WRONG way, you get dumped.

yet they let tyrone and achmed spray in their cvnt unprotected.

stop TRYING to make sense of it. even though they dont KNOW its all about reproduction, its STILL all about reproduction, and they choose to have casual sex with the strongest strongman they can find in the short term. doesnt matter if hes the bad type of strong. it only matters that his strength is obvious and blatant and easy to see.

they arent designed to choose a good man for the long term. thats their FATHERS job.

maybe i am going off the deep end here. maybe women CAN make good decisions SOMETIMES. and maybe they CAN have courage and do the right thing SOMETIMES. like for example, ST ANN COULTER. She makes good decisions (except about who she fooks)

and believe me, i could put up with the worthlessness of women a lot better if i just had a nice 12 dollar an hour job and could hold my head up high with that knowledge. just need a JOB and some MJ, the WOMAN is secondary.

well, its also kind of our DUTY as white men to make more white children.

and i guess i could do that with white skanks, but i need to have enough money to take care of my white children. and basically i don’t want to be a white person using a NONWHITE REPRODUCTIVE STRATEGY. it does not BECOME white people to have HAREMS like goddam ARABS or BLACKS.  but we do need to be more dominant and stronger than arabs or blacks, so our women dont leave us for them. because we cant expect our women to have any race loyalty.

BUT if we can train our women…..couldnt we TRAIN them to the point where yes we CAN have some expectations of them? like train a woman to be racist. well, i believe you can train a woman to be racist, you can train a woman to be trustworthy, but you still cant train a woman to make good decisions or be super responsible.

so how do they have these high powered careers?

i mean there are women engineers and shit. you have to have at LEAST a 105 iq for that, even the women. i trust engineers to be smart and make smart decisions. so what about the female engineers? yeah they arent as smart as the male engineers, and yeah they are getting bonus affirmative action points, but i would say they STILL have to have at least 105 iq and be SORTA smart!!!!!

 

NOICE

really r/relships would be easily fixed by just getting MOAR MEN in there. its a god damn estrogen clusterfook which is really ANNOYING.

i just hate how they leave men in horrible ways. every damn woman should take a dumping 101 course. from her father hahahaha. view the end of the relationship as PART of the relship. learn to ACCEPT some RESPONSIBILITIES. show some GOODWILL when you break a poor guys heart. LET him be upset. tell im its NOT HIS FAULT. Respect that you are breaking someones heart. Tell him that no contact would be best. dont say lets be friends. he just wants to be WITH you. Respect the fact that you are PULLING THE RUG OUT on a person. Apologize. Feel BAD about what you’re doing. These are the responsibilities that go along with your RIGHT to end the rel whenever you want, single-handedly. it doesnt come for FREE.

ok. 44 minutes till they call me. sheeeeeit. i havent done anything interviewy for a MONTH. like 34 days.

yeah ive done a .5 “interview” 90 minute written test but no actual talking to people. i HATE talking to people. starting to get nervous.

i mean the worse that can happen is that i spill the spaghetti and sound like a retarded negro. then they just dont call me back. which is essentially the same result as all my other interviews. where i did NOT sounded like a retarded negro, but sounded pretty much like a damn NORMIE!!!!!! sheeeeeeit i COULD have soudned like a retarded autist and it wouldnt have made any difference!!!!!

but yeah i guess its GOOD to get nervous but i still dont like it because i AM being judged and i have to perform. and its a lot different than sitting there at a written test where you have 90mins to 2 hours to really sit there face to face with the test. the test is not judging you, and even the teacher doesnt REALLY judge you if you do bad. actually he wants you to do well, and will PROBABLY make some effort to help you if you put in some effort and ask him. not at all the same thing here. these people are putting you under the microscope looking for any reason to exclude you based on your verbal answers to questions. and the odds are stacked against you 10 to 1 going in. whereas when taking a skool exam, you have a PRETTY good chance of PASSING it!

with job interviews, you have an ALMOST CERTAIN chance of FAILING it!

BIG DIFFERENCE!

22 minutes. come on. 21. welp. i mean i can learn to use a mainframe. i can “learn” to do anything, meaning I can make a flailing, incompetent attempt at doing things, and then say yeah i did it. oh i did it wrong? i thought I was doing it right. whats the right way then? so sorry. I will stay an hour late today and give you a free hour of work to make up for my stupid mistake. so sorry master. and then go home and get drunk and beat my wife and kids hahahaha. that i dont have because women always dump me before i can beat them or impregnate them hahahaha.

BEATING THEM MAKES THEM STAY hahahaha.

18 minutes. sheeeeeit. sometimes when you get nervous you want to Beat Off just to relieve tension even though you are not really Horny Per Se, you’re afraid and anxious and nervous.

11 minutes. feel like an inferior failure hehehehe. real good attitude. looked briefly at linkedin and thought oh these fookin people. getting masters degrees and then getting careers that are in line with that. i just dont understand these NORMIES at all!

i guess this is the benefit of an in person interview, is that right now i would be there, in the suit, announcing my presence, focusing like a boss on the stuff. right now i am just freaking out and dressed like a slob at home. and typing in here 9 minutes before the phone call!

2 hours later

sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit that actually went pretty WELL, THANK GOD.

full 60 minutes budgeted by HR lady for Phone Call. impressive. I rambled a bit but was OK. because they said ok you are now invited to an actual interview with the tech manager on tuesday w00t w00t. with a damn pay near 40k and strong 401k matching and 15 days off and health care and MF days sched, etc etc a great bigboy job to get here. almost too good to be true. well ive have interviews with places like that before hehehe. the big 22nd interview.

and then while i was talking to them, voice mail from another place for an autism ABA job. called them back, got The Big 23rd interview. for this friday. now that is just a part time thing but they emphasized an in depth ABA training pogam for the tism. i should tell them i am The Tism Tickler and deal with Autist Sperg Virgin Neets on the internet erryday hahahaahahahahaha

really the job will probably be me wiping “autistic” negro chirrens asses hahahahaha with great struggling. they just wont bend over nicely and let me wipe their asses, they are gonna be running around getting shit all over the place including my face hahahahaha.

well tech that will be the 22nd interview? anyway my real goal is 25 interviews and i am very close now. 452 apps, 23 interviews.

and a damn interview tomorrow for fire extinguisher inspector hahahaha.

well the big thing is this “systems specialist” job with the mainframes. that is the new #1. nice to get these GOOD ones once in a while, although it is more disappointing not to get them. but its somewhat good for the confidence to know that i am IN THE RUNNING for actual good jobs with actual good companies.  the HR wimmin was impressed that i did 2 minutes of research on the company.

DO THIS. THEY REALLY DO LIKE IT.

I mean, I do it all the time. they LIKE it but they still dont HIRE me hahaha.

and i had a YUGE dream with THAT WOMAN last night. as in she was in it a lot, i was talking to her a lot. we were basically living in a dorm together, with at least 6 people living in a kinda big dorm room or mini barracks. she was my roomate. i was trying to talk to her and hang out with her and she was just being very very bitchy and showing no interest. this is normally not a big deal if shes a random woman. BUT SHES NOT A RANDOM WOMAN. and it is so painful to see someone who once cared about you and made time for you, TURN into an ice cold distant bitch. so that was the gist of the dream. as it is with most dreams i have about her. well i guess it is technically BETTER than nostalgically remembering the Nice version of her. and all i am left with is the Bitchy version of her.

super long post here huh. i didnt plan it this way i promise.

also did 14 pushups. did not do any job apps but fookit. had a 60 minute phone interview (counted as .5 an interview lasting 100 minutes for 60 min interview plus 40 mins prep), got TWO invites for actual in person full blown interviews, and also did prep work for fire protection interview tomorrow and printed the shit out. i feel i was prductive enough hehehe.

also did laundry. and just did 3.2 mile powerwalk.

so yeah finally felt a shred of confidence, which i only get after i have an interview for a decent job and i feel i did ok. so i feel confident for like 1 hour a month hhahahahahaha. its kind like how you feel like a BOSS after you bang a hot bitch hahahahahahaha. no, i mean “attractive woman.”

or for that matter, after you cuddle with some Boo or Bae that you Like Like and they give you warm fuzzies.

but yeah i felt last night before i had that stupid dream, i read a pretty good thread on TRS forum on women, and im not gonna paste it here, because that is officially grounds for BANNING hehe. but they were like yeah women are FOOKED but you gotta still do your duty white man. dont worry about finding a red pilled wife, just find a simple semi-conservative normie nonslut, and you can train her. have a strong hand.

and then i thought, shit, i was not strong at all. and if i had been really strong and played my cards right……i bet i probably could have made her TINGLE for me and get interested in me. if i had just had a strong hand. she wouldnt have lost all respect for me, and we would have lived happily ever after. fooked that ass 6000000 times, spent 1488000000 hours cuddling, and had a ton of white babies.  if i had only been strong. women feel totally differently about a strong dominating man, than they do about a weak pussy man. and i was totally a weak pussy.

so that makes me think, really it WAS all my fault, because if I had acted differently, I could have Got The Girl. it wasnt that She Decided we wouldnt be Compatible. if i were a stronger man, she would have decided we were (((COMPATIBLE))). sheeeeeeit.

so i hate That kind of guilt.

well i wont make that mistake again in the future hopefully.

but i may never luv a woman again. and the trs thread basically said, get used to the idea that you as a truly strong red pilled man, are never going to really LOVE a woman ever again.

 

 

JUST BECAUSE SOMETHING MAKES SENSE DOESNT MEAN IT DOESNT SUCK DONKEY D1CK

aug 5

yeah so the idea of creativity and design and human centered and innovation bla bla it all sounds REALLY good, its some GREAT bullshit. i mean nobody, left or right, white or jooish, can deny that Creativity is a Good Thing. and it’s fun and confidence building and healthy to BE creative. any cynic who bitches about how creativity is bullshit is just butthurt that they aren’t creative. i do that alot. bitch about x because im butthurt about not being x. its degenerate and wicked and jooish, etc.

cant really do that about creativity. shit I would LIKE to be more creative. I used to be more creative before muh emotional issues really put the kibosh on that. being creative means you can think your way out of problems and hopefully act on them. and really fix the problems.

i was creative this morning. usually i make weak coffee with 4 scoops. when i was at the creativity office, they had some pretty good coffee, but since normie coffee is too strong for me, i have to dilute it with water. So i thought, well why dont I just make stronger coffee at home, then add water to it, that way i dont have to make 2 pots of coffee a day. just make 1 pot of stronger coffee and add water to it AFTER making making it, when i am pouring muhself a cup. mix it with some water then.

see how SIMPLE that is? yet I didnt think of it until I was 35 years old hahahaha. because muh creativity is THAT weakened. its hard to think of solutions when you are anxious and despairing. this impairs your judgement and give you BRAIN FOG. you cling to any kind of safety or security or certainty you can find, because youre tired and weak from being confused and uncertain and HELPLESS.

when you are DROWNING, you dont have the LUXURY of being creative. you just want a damn life raft or something that FLOATS that you can GRAB ONTO and hold on for dear life. thats as creative as you can be.

but im not REALLY drowning! thats ALL IN MY MIND!

own worst enemy, imaginary prison, afraid of freedom, fear is the mindkiller etc

but yeah it is very hard to break those Psychic Chains hahahaha. Correct the Cognitive Distortions.

anyway a year later after the shit with the woman its easier to put it in perspective and not hate her so much, and not blame myself so much, which is HUGE. i thought i did something HORRIBLE which caused her to HATE me.

in fact she probably didnt hate me, and the simplest solution is the best one: she was just scared and confused and overwhelmed, fight or flight kicked in, I wanted to fight, and she wanted to flight. so she ran away. I have run away from situations before, not because they did me wrong or I hated them per se. I ran away because I was scared and panicking because I felt I JUST COULDNT HANDLE IT!!!!!!!!!! I JUST CANT HANDLE THIS!!!!!!!! so you run away. and thats the ALL the explanation there really IS. get scared, run away. and then you cant really approach the person to convince them theres nothing to be scared of. becuase they keep running away. nothing you can do but let them run away. which i ultimately did. the end.

theres ignoring, THEN theres “actively” avoiding, THEN theres running away. we gradually escalated through all three stages there.

im not sure a manipulative niceguy would have driven that escalation like I did! I NEEDED A RESOLUTION! I wasnt WAITING TO POUNCE!

so yeah its important to personally believe i wasnt the bad guy, i wasnt the niceguy fake friend manipulator. it was just unfortuante and sad situation where we couldnt resolve our problems and she ran away from them because she was too scared to DEAL with them.

which is understandable! sheeeeeeeeeit I feel EVERY DAY like I cant DEAL WITH LIFE itself! I’ve done plenty of running away myself!

its like in dreams where you are just running and running away from some sort of monster.

well maybe she didnt think I was a monster, but she certainly found the situation monstrous and terrifying. ok I totally get that.

so yeah it is starting to make a lot more sense, and that gives me real closure. it sucks total donkey dick, but it makes sense. but it still sucks!

JUST BECAUSE SOMETHING MAKES SENSE DOESNT MEAN IT DOESNT SUCK DONKEY DICK!

see THESE are healthy thoughts, this is how a normie thinks, how a confident winner normie nonvrigin nonneet DEALS WITH problems in their life.  by taking a HEALTHY perspective on them.

wow i guess that means i am having a good day today. well thank GOD hahahaha.

im not even that upset about not getting that great job. I still feel sorta confident from even just having the interview and being one of 4 finalists. out of 100 applicants!

well I would have expected more applicants frankly. at least 200.

https://upfrommorallylazyloserness.wordpress.com/2016/08/05/6235/

this post shows some early hints of Rational Thinking way back in january 2016 when I wrote it. so not even 6 months out, I was getting some good perspective on it. of course i certainly wasnt fully healed, i still am not, and then i was MUCH more lazy on muh job search. i was still running away from that.

yeahi mean shit its like forrest gump running away kind of. he wanted to run back to the safety of home….but when he was an older man, that didnt even do it for him. so he just kept running and running  and running until he was tired of running. that manipulative joo movie portrays it very nicely, in some ways, that movie is very very good and of course I identify with forrest more than most people. kinda like a big naive child who doesnt really fit in. and falls in luv with the worst women ever hahahahaha.

I would have gotten along with forrest well I think and probably been a good friend to him hehehe. and i wouldnt die early like bubba and i wouldnt be all bipolar like lt dan. well, maybe i would hahahaha.

really lt dan should have stayed alongside forrest after their shrimp company blew up, and lt dan should have played a big role in keeping forrest away from that horrible skank jennay. i dont think jennay was an evil bad person, but she was just a totally ruined woman who was POISON to everyone around her. its sad really. and really its better for you to stay far far away from these Toxic, Poisonous people. They need to help themselves first. Jennay should have gone to a goy shrink when she was very young, before she turned into a drug whore always running away and breaking forrests heart 9000000 times. she did not deserve a good man like him.

at least thats what i get out of the movie, and i appreciate the movie for showing such a tragic, poisonous woman…..but i’m not sure thats what i was supposed to get out of it hahahahaha. and this just proves i am an unregenerate woman hater hahahaha.

SO BE IT. I HATE WOMEN. SO WHAT. DEAL WITH IT.

the two WOMEN I interviewed with yesterday didnt think i was a WOMAN HATER. or the Woman Manager I Initiated a Conversation with at the Creative Idea Design Space. They were nice to me and I was nice to them.

i HATE not having the “luxury” to CALL SOMEBODY BACK. shit give me 15 minutes, I will look into this, and CALL YOU BACK. we couldnt really do that at the job. you had to get permission to call somebody back. which wouldnt be given because there were Calls In Queue. so you had to do EVERYTHING with the caller on HOLD. put the caller on hold for 5 minutes just to ask for permission to call them back, and get rejected, then tell the caller you just wasted 5 minutes with them on hold hahahahaha.

yet another reason why i do not want to go back to a damn call center. they are able to get “LEAN” so that there is no downtime, so that there ALWAYS IS callers in queue, because if there is not a lot of calls, they can just send people home like they do at a restaurant.

not all places send people home when it gets slow!

but you gotta have a degree from cornell loaded with prestigious internships to get one of those jobs, hahahaha.

my school was not as prestigious as CORNELL or STANFORD. but it was definitely within shouting distance. a lot of our people went to Grad School at cornell or stanford or places like that.

but not me! I went on to struggle to make more than 10k a year for the next 11 years after college! with no cuddles hahahaha

heh damn recruiter called, said they found my resume on careerbuilder, i lied and said i found a new position, then went right to careerbuilder and saw all my shit was private.

they probable saved my info in their system back when my shit was not private. hmm. im surprised they remember people like that, in the sense of creating and maintaining their own pool, rather than saying fook all these people, let’s just go right back to careerbuilder and get NEW resumes!

maybe that means i was in a “high value” pool that they wanted to contact several times? be persistent with this guy becuase he’s good? hehehehehe. see that is the RIGHT way to interpret this uncertainty.

pick up tailored suit from arabs today, they were super expensive, wont go back. they have great reviews tho.

AGAIN! THAT KID IS ON THE ESCALATOR AGAIN!

The INFAMOUS job that got 1000 applicants in 3 days for the entry level college student 13 DAH job, is being posted AGAIN about 2 or 3 weeks later!

HOW COULD NOT ONE OF THOSE THOUSAND PEOPLE BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR THIS JOB???

SOMETHING WEIRD IS GOING ON HERE.

Shit yeah I will apply for it AGAIN, and count it towards my numbers again.

NO company should EVER hire from the outside for ANYTHING but an entry level position.  I can’t get creative enough to think of a GOOD reason, without sounding like total jooish bullshit.

hire a manager from another company while you have EXCELLENT level 1 people who would LOVED to be promoted AND who do GREAT work and KNOW their shit.

or the alternative is, you give them more responsibility and more work to make them FEEL like they’ve been promoted, maybe even gie you a fancier job title if you’re really lucky, but NO increase in pay. NONE.

so you are doing MORE for the SAME.

i mean shit yeah it makes SENSE, this all makes SENSE. the way it makes SENSE for a parasite to suck its host dry when there is an OVERSUPPLY OF HOSTS!!!!!! they can kill their host and it doesnt kill THEM (see the scorpion and the frog fable) because there is always another host!

THE SCORPION ALWAYS HAS ANOTHER FROG TO JUMP TO!!!!!!

which, of course completely Subverts and Ruins the MORAL of the fable. well, Subverting and ruining morals is what they do best isnt it?

anyway the idea is that by following its predatory nature, the scorpion “accidentally” kills the frog who is carrying it to safety, therefore killing himself.

YOUVE KILLED US, YOU ARROGANT ASS!!!!.wav

but in reality, the scorpion never has to face consequences for its actions because there’s another frog it can jump to once the previous frog dies. i guess women are like this too. they get away with it because they CAN get away with it and there will NEVER be a shortage of people who LET them get away with it.

women: the joos of the human race hahahaha. the joos of the genders hahaha.

i am now approaching andrew anglin level hatred of da joos hahahaha.

so if mill woes was the man of the year 2015, then the goys of TRS in general are the men of the year 2016. for sure. for sure. jim, sheeitlawd, ryan nation of one, seventh son, natt, otto, sam, k1ke enoch, all the great guys on the forum, and the podcasts i dont listen to, lets throw in andre anglin and weev too, they are great.

there are two kinds of mgtows: those that turn back once they reach Race Realism, and those that go boldly into that world. guess which one i am hahahaha.

in other words, eventually ALL mgtows reach the race question. its an inevitable, logical conclusion. and i dont think its logical to turn back. to say oh no i just want to engineer robot waifus, but being a racist is just dumb and ridiculous and bad. COME ON.

i think it gives a very healthy perspective for mgtows women hate. like you accept how ridiculous women are, and now you have the courage to actually DEAL with them, rather than AVOID them like mgtows. courage vs cowardice.

now i am a coward but im glad I chose the path of courage at least hahahaha.

picked up my newly tailor gray suit. i guess you could call it a dark gray as opposed to a Medium Average Gray. oh well. sill looks good and it doesnt look BLACK. I wanted to stay away from BLACK because NOBODY wears black suits and it just looks WEIRD. you are either a gangster, the blues brothers, or an orthodox j00, or amish, an orthodox russian. i mean some of these things are not bad……but none of them are NORMIE. they do not inspire confidence in the unconfident. you have to already be confident to pull off that weirdness. otherwise people will just think youre a weirdo, and it DOES matter what other people want, because you are always trying to GET something from them. SELL shit to them. they are your CUSTOMER. employers and women. and actual customers for that matter.

but yeah i absolutely have to apply to 4 better 5 jobs today, i have been “off” the past few days. i mean i have been busy doing stuff. doing this 2 day study, having 2 interviews, hey thats plenty hehehehe. also i have been more inspired in writing and thinking positively, so i want to capitalize on that.

although i did have a brief fantasy about degenerately banging the attractive “milf” type women I saw at the research study. basically just imagining them being very degenerate and slutty, why wouldnt a milf be, obviously theyre damaged goods, so then i respond in kind by having very ruff secs with them. i mean these are the types of women who like to be choked and slapped during secs and just treated like GARBAGE. NOT the type of woman you marry EVER.

unfortuantely that led to me having very degenerate thoughts about them! not the tender luving secs you have with your tender luving waifu!

which is easier to think of the nondegen stuff when you view the woman as being YOUNG AND nondegen herself. a young fair maiden. rather than some worn out old skank with plenty of obvious miles on the engine.

dont give your most valuable resource away for FREE!!!

it MATTERS!!!! stop pretending like it doesnt!! and women FALL for this RUSE completely! and its so shameful and disgusting!

and the woman i wanted to spend the rest of muh life with and have 3 white children with, would rather give up her white womb EASILY to packs of wild ingras than even LISTEN to me say please be nicer to me, did I ever mean anything to you.

guy on TRSF recommends doing a “3 day water fast” basically meaning, dont eat anything for 3 days, but you can drink water. he claims it resets your system, like rebooting your whole body, you can quickly lose some extra weight, wel, you might lose some muscle too so maybe dont do it if you are BULKING hahahaha.

supposedly the first 2 days are hard but the third day is easy and where you will notice the benefits. you wont even WANT to eat your favorite foods.

and hopefully when you end the fast, you will be reprogrammed to not want to eat as much.

he recommends doing a 3 day fast once every 3 months.

http://www.gq.com/story/six-day-water-fast-diet

http://jamesclear.com/the-beginners-guide-to-intermittent-fasting

i guess i kind of already DO intermittent fasting, ie doing all your eating for the day within an 8 hour window.

http://www.nateliason.com/5-day-water-fast-health-benefits/

water fasting.

sheeeeit wanted to play some cards finally, and nobody in there.

when good men go crazy or freak out or quit things or snap or disappear…………………….

there’s usually a woman behind it all. some bitch breaking his heart. and then he goes off the deep end. his heart and his luv were a lot more pure and good than her uterus and her heart.

maybe i should impregnate nonwhites but not take of the mixed race kids, so as to “ruin” their genetic line and to essentially make them more white hahahahaha. but what are the chances they will mate with whites to have whiter kids? also…..well basically this mixed bastard would ideally be a woman, who is herself impregnated by white men. but what if its a mixed man? do I want him mixing with a white woman to create a whiter child than him?

theres no easy solution when trying to “breed out” a certain race by diluting it with whiteness hehehe.

you basically need to genocide the males and turn the females into brood mares for whites. then repeat the cycle until the people are 92% white.

this is SO MUCH WORK. It would be easier just to Send All Nonwhites Back. A lot easier and more efficient and quicker and less autistic ahaha.

but a key lesson is, males can get away with race mixing, women can’t. exactly because women are more reproductively VALUABLE.

i mean ok. it kinda made sense in times of war and imperial conquest. like white men conquering african nations and making mixed bastards. but its not a good long term strategy for whites to live there i guess. i mean in the end you just get brazil. how what is brazil. i mean the whitest whites segregate themselves….and i cant blame them!!!!!

moral of the story, just dont race mix. men or women. no good can come of it. its interesting to think of how you could “whiten” nonwhites with strategic breeding but……i dunno its just not a good roi in the long run. too resource intensive.

bbbbbut not if you just exterminate all the mixed MALE fetuses, and the white men who breed with the mixed women don’t waste any of their RESOURCES on these women. but then who takes care of the women? the state I guess. then you have this whole slave caste essentially.

but they get released out of slavery once they are 92% white. and one day the slavery ends.

but i think that “LEGACY” of slavery would be with them just like with the blacks today.

especially for the first generation of children to be Born Free, ie above 92% or whatever. they only have memories of their mother being a brood slave. yeah but they dont even KNOW their mother. they could be put up into ADOPTION with a white family and then never told about their history. that might work hahahaha.

AYO HOL UP so youre tellin me there are qt white girls from carribean islands like the cayman islands, bahamas, bermuda, etc? I thought they were all black. (watching olympic intro ceremony with all the countries proceeding in. kinda interesting.)

are these all athletes? i mean there are qt gurls for the majority of countries, even not the whitest of countries. like cayman islands, or chile, or kazakstan. like kazakstan, most people look like finngolians, but a few people look whitish! i mean shit. cryprus has some qts, even colombia.

aug 6

really the breeding whiteness into nonwhites idea is SO AUTISTIC. the easiest and best solution is simply sterilize nonwhites. there would be no camps, no ovens. just sterlize them or send them back, even give them money when you send them back.  that would be tax dollars well spent.

ok what if i found the perfect woman, but she was 50% nonwhite. SOME of these gurls can be really qt. and still look pretty white. but keep in mind barry is half white and he looks black and you dont even remember hes half white.

well, i am not talking about the 50% black mixes hahaha. maybe like asian or indian or something. yeah but their mother is a race traitor! unless its an asian. then their father is a race traitor beta cuck with yellow fever.

ok gotta apply for more jobs, been falling behind there.

ok gonna try a 20 hour fast today. i guess its not too unusual for me to to a 16 hour intermittent fast. so lets try 20 hours today. because i am a bit over. essentially need to skip one or two meals. come on. how hard is that.

ideally i would like to lose 10 more pounds but at this point, it is harder than ever.

i mean i dont really NEED to because i am at a healthy weight now. which so many fat bastards are unable to say.

i just think of the last time we talked and she was so awkward and distant and was like YOU SHOULD KNOW that this is over, just STAY AWAY FROM ME, I dont want anything to do with you. without actually saying that.

where i was more like, yeah were having issues, but we have been friends for almost 3 years, you cant just ASSUME this is over and even more you cant ASSUME that I should feel the exact same way, and that I’m the bad guy for not immediately accepting, welp, this is dead and over and Im simply never going to talk to you again. Thats fine. No Problem. Done and Done.

Ok so women CAN be mature and rational and reasonable…….but at TIMES when the emotions and the hormones hit, they turn IMMEDIATELY back into 13 year old girls. IDIOTS. and thats when you need to be careful. at that point they become very destructive. ticking time bombs. and then they cant be trusted whatsoever and can do very bad things. and in this window of time, the female ceo can wreck their company, while they are having this tasmanian devil tantrum.

you basically need to strap them down in a rubber room with a straitjacket until the fever passes.

i wish this emotional fever wasnt SO powerful and SO destructive!!!! It’s almost as destructive as the power of the womb is life-giving. and on the other side, this emotional fever is like an atomic bomb, dstroyer of worlds, i am become death, kali.

Although I have no working experience in blabla system, I would take the initiative to learn the system as quickly as possible by training myself in my personal time.

this is my new favorite response to that question hahahaha. I have taken to writing that on my applications for 27k entry level clerk jobs where they ask if you have experience in blabla program.

Train YOURSELF in your PERSONAL time.

Dont train yourself on THEIR time.

Dont ask THEM to train you on their time OR on your time.

but you can MAYBE pay somebody 20 dollars an hour to train you on your free time.

or pay somebody to let you watch them at work before and after your shift. pay them for giving you the service of letting you watch them.

that idea that were DONE, and you should KNOW it, even though I havent really told you whether i want us to be DONE or if i am willing to work on it, like you have expressed to me that you want to work on it. you should know that I dont. now get out of here and if you dont understand all this, youre a crazy sociopath.

Really I had no way of knowing did she want to work on this, or did she want out entirely.

Well she wasnt showing any action towards working on it, so I guess I should have interpreted it as she wanted out entirely. so i was the bad guy for not liking that and for pushing her to work on it and not just sitting by and accepting this with a smile saying THATS FINE.

i mean yeah yeah “i respect her decision” but at least try to be polite and clear with me about what your decision is.

wow the finland team is the whitest so far as far as being filled with beautiful white people, so far, well alongside denmark and slovakia. but damn those beautiful finns dont look anything like mongols!

but yeah you see how the majority of the WORLD are nasty negers and shitskins hahahaha.

hmm there was one cute blond girl on georgia. i thought georgia was almost white….but not quite. i mean the men looked like total turks hahahaha. turkroaches.

no i know they are not, georgians are strictly caucasian.

anyway its unfortuante that the qt white gurls are just SLUTTING IT UP with SO MANY GUYS in the olympic village. how many guys does the average olympic gurl add to her number over the average summer olympics? 10 guys? 20? 5? gotta be more than 5. i mean its not like theyre partying EVERY NIGHT. they have to rest before their big competition days.

i dont even know how long the olympics is. 2 weeks? how many days off do they get? 1 week? 7 days. so, assuming 1 new guy per night, 7 new dicks taken during olympics. not bad. well yes, actually its horrible. there is no reason ANY woman should EVER take 7 dicks in her entire LIFE. that’s 14 years worth of dick all in one week. assuming the decent white thing to do is

NEVER TOUCH A DICK UNLESS YOURE PREPARED TO COMMIT TWO YEARS TO IT.

ideally 3 years.

so when a beautiful, in shape white gurl takes 7 dicks in a week, rendering her unmarriageable in one fell swoop, assuming she was ok before, which she probably wasnt!!!

but boy these healthy looking smiling beautiful white gurls dont LOOK like the filthy whores they are!

very frustrating to be generally averaging like 1250 calories a day and not losing any more weight. how low do i have to go?

i mean to do this you have to do to about 1.5 meals a day. to lose weight you can only eat 1.5 meals a day. no snacks. now when i say 1 meal, i mean 1 decent sized honest meal that fills you up. a “big” meal.

people will tell you youre not EATING ENOUGH.

my question is when does FASTING become ANOREXIA. you can FAST for 20 to 30 days.

thinking about taking a VALIUM tonight. just to see what it does. will it be similar to nyquil? if i dont take a valium i will def take a nyquil. its amazing i still have valium LEFT. let alone a LOT of them!

i mean i would prefer just some MJ but thats impossible for me to get since i am antisocial hahahaha.

meanwhile that woman has been smoking tons of MJ the past year, being way more successful than me, and probably being slutty and giving herself away and having TONS OF FUN. while smokin tons of MJ and making TONS of MONEY. come on.

Protip: ANY THOUGHTS ABOUT “THAT WOMAN” ARE UNPRODUCTIVE. COMPLETELY. THERE IS NO POSSIBLE BENEFIT TO HAVING THESE THOUGHTS. THESE ARE THE TYPES OF THOUGHTS I NEED TO PUT INTO THE OVEN. EXTERMINATE THEM.

who CARES about that woman, it doesnt MATTER what and who she does.

WHO CARES, IT DOESNT MATTER.

yeah its just weird seeing the same or a very very similar job with a certain company get posted every 2 or 3 weeks. always an entry level job that sounds right up my alley and right up MANY peoples alley: day shift, hourly pay, not super skilled, less than 50% talking to customers, office assistant, 12-15 an hour. usually get at least 100-200 applicants per day. then they get 500 appplicants, pull the posting, then 3 weeks later, ITS BACK.

WTF IS GOING ON HERE.

yes I KNOW I JUST wrote about this, possibly in this same post, and definitely last post. because I SEE it happening regularly and it is frustrating! don’t reopen the position, throw out the net to get 500 more applicants, just call me in for an interview!

and this isnt the type of job which only 1 out of ever 10000 people can do, some special snowflake. im sure a monkey could do the job.

which makes me think its a FAKE job opening, IE there is no job, i mean maybe there IS a job, but not right NOW. They hire one person every 2 years for the job, but POST it every month and get 500 applications every time. and then select the best one out of 12000 for when they actually want to hire a person hahahaha. no they probably just put them all in the oven and just pick the best out of the most recent batch of 500.

nobody told me this is how Jobs are!

and this place has terrible ratings from employees.

it doesnt sound like they do mass hiring and mass firing…..cuz they havent hired me yet hahahaha.

maybe this is how they create a pool. but really how many people do they need in their pool? 12000?

NO, they just constantly prune the pool to the BEST 100. a better one comes in, then the worst one gets ovened.

do they really have the TIME to do this though?

but how much TIME does it take? an hour a week? they can probably manage THAT.

so thats what they are doing then. developing the strongest pool possible. shit in that case they just throw out my resume every time, because its not as good as the WORST res in the pool. in that case, a good 490 out of 500 of the applications every month get thrown out!

welp guess these losers better go back to online college and get a masters degree then!

for a 13 an hour data entry job.

yes but its full time, days, no weekends! it might even have a 401k with 1% matching, and an expensive ass high deductible health plan!

and you gotta go to CORNELL to get a full time days no weekends job hahahaha.

355 days since i wrote the final email to her. the final contact. 389 days since i last talked to her. 271 days since i last looked at jooish porno filth.

heh. took a valium, then did a 3.6 mile powerwalk, didnt really feel the valium, then came home and took half dose of nyquil, cuz supposedly benzos make everything stronger hehehehe. now i am getting a little tired.

 

NOBODY WANTS TO HIRE A WEIRDO

july 29

yeah its just incredibly frustrating when somebody is on their phone, talking and texting ALL THE TIME, they respond to EVERYBODY ELSE, but they wont respond to YOU. it is insulting and disrespectful as fook. Ya Spend All Day On The Phone Anyhow! to paraphrase the awful everest commercial. and you cant even send a text to End A Relationship hahahaha.

got call yesterday from health system i have sent 40 apps to (literally) and always get rejections from, first callback ever. called them back this morning and gave them email address to try to minimize Phone Tag. this is for a laboratory assistant in a hospital lab. purrfect. fulltime days no weekends, even better. sign me up for 13 dollars an hour. i will pass your nicotene test all day hahahahaha.  well…..maybe not hahahahahahaha.

that would be funny, to get a job offer but lose it because i failed a NICOTENE test because I smoke a COUPLE of Social Cigs per week. of course a lot more when i am working hahahaha. but you are not allowed to do that at this workplace. hospital. well i am sure there are people who hide out and chainsmoke on lunch, then spray down with febreze hahahaha.

sheeeit got interview for 10 dah part time temporary job, next thurs, the one i wanted to get resched, and they agreed to resched rather than saying get fooked…..but at a nice place. i like the place, they do job related training, REALLY i SHOULD do their job related training courses and then use that to get a 15 DAH Full Time Days Job hahahaha. working with Robots and 6000000 dollar machines. CNCs and CADs and FANUCs and lasers and injection molds and grinders and borers and dorners and whatever tf.

again that is probably soem sort of sign from GOD, answering my prayers. so maybe is “hospital lab.” working in a LAB with specimens.

“Protein Shake” with .75 scoop of Whey Protein, .5 cup of Whole Milk, and about 10 grams of Caramel Ice Cream hahahahaha

basically, if george feels can get a full time job, SO CAN I.

basically, if fatherland jim can get a FT job, and a basedwife, and a child, and own his home, SO CAN I.  I mean the guy is not only super autistic, but very neurotic and self-deprecating, by his own admission! women HATE self deprecating, neurotic men! I should know, I am one!

i like and respect both these guys of course. especially jim hahaha. but the more i “get to know” him, the more I am like WOW I cant believe he’s admitting this, and I can’t believe he wasn’t dumped by his wife after the first date hahahaha. this is the kind of guy women RUN AWAY SCREAMING from. I say that as a fellow member of that club.

so in fatherland 39 jim says, IF I CAN DO IT, ANYBODY CAN. and I could not agree more hahahaha.

the guy who bitched for like 4 straight weeks about my “trollnation” to the show. I didn’t mean the donation as a troll, but its just funny that he got SO rustled by it. yeah i can see how somebody might misinterpret it….and boy did he EVER.

COME ON. so the lady calls me back about the blood lab job and i can only interview TODAY because they have a deadline at the end of the day today. I said Monday or sometime next week would be fine. I was a little thrown off guard. I guess I should have just said yes, and then immediately took a shower, shave, get the suit on, get out there, sheeeeeeeeeit.  im wondering why she even called me. on the last day of interviews. wtf. well she said she had a death in the fam so i gave muh sympathies, but then i choked and said yeah no, i just can’t do it today, but if you would keep me in mind for other positions that would be great. the 40 other positions i had applied to hahaha.

lesson learned from being caught off guard: if they ask you for an interview TODAY, just DO IT.

it just seems so weird and unprofessional though.

i mean i wont regret this TOO much, in fact i could probably call her back right now….but sheeeeit.

women just dont understand how anxiety, shyness, despair, low confidence can keep a MAN from EVER having a GF or secs, because it doesn’t work the same way for WOMEN. WOMEN can TOTALLY have anxiety, shyness, despair, low cofidence, and it doesnt prevent them from having secs or rels AT ALL. That’s why they think its so weird when a man has never had a secs and rels. because its DAMN NEAR IMPOSSIBLE for a woman to never have secs or rels, and they are so damn narcissistic they think everybody is like them, and that men and women are the exact same, when in fact they are VERY different.

or they dont “buy the excuse” because “well I have despair and anxiety and I can still have secs and rels!” not understanding how anxiety and low cofidence DIRECTLY WEAKEN EVERYTHING which women find attractive about men. they do not directly weaken what men find attractive about women.

its much easier to not be bitchy, not be a slut, not be fat, than it is to Be Confident, Be Charming, Be a Leader.

Again I dont begrudge this ease, of women being the supply and men being the demand, i guess I just get rustled when women dont UNDERSTAND or APPRECIATE that fact of nature.

but, you could argue, they’re not supposed to. so again my expectations are too high. they’re not SUPPOSED to understand it.

The most effective Life Creator is one who does not know they are a life creator??!!?!?!?!

well yes kind of. cuz they will keep getting pregnant, exactly because they forget they can get pregnant?

interview SAME DAY. really. it sounded like they did most of the interviews yesterday. probably just whirlwind of 8 or so candidates in one day.

and what if someone just couldn’t make it that day? then into the trash they go.

BUT WHAT IF THEY WERE THE BEST CANDIDATE?

oh well then the company doesnt get the best candidate then. life goes on.

so yeah timing matters.

but youd think if they were SERIOUS about finding the best candidate, they would allow more than ONE DAY to interview all the candidates for this job. give them a span of like a week.

NOT come in on this day and time for an interview, and if you can’t, fook you, we can’t reschedule. we are interviewing for this job on one day only, in this 4 hour window.

so yeah, i can’t tell wimmin i have neversecs neverel because i have anxiety, despair, neurotic, and low confidence, they’ll say I DONT BELIEVE IT, I HAVE THOSE SAME THINGS AND I CAN GET SECS AND REL, THERE MUST BE SOMETHING REALLY WRONG WITH YOU, not realizing that these things have VERY different outcomes for men vs women.

solution: just don’t talk about it , or Bullshit/Lie/Deflect until you have banged the gurl, it’s not like it would take more than 3 dates anyway.  and if she complains about you being awkward, then say you’re under a lot of stress from your job and family. and next time take some benzos and hope you perform better, cuz if you don’t, YOUR FIRED. (dumped.) dumped for being awkward at secs. i could see it happening to me! and im sure its happened to other men!

like uhhhh i can just tell by the awkward way this guy FOOKS that hes only ever fooked 1 gurl about 15 years ago, or he’s a VIRGIN, and he’s DEFINITELY not ever had a GF, or Regular Secs. EW. WEIRD. CREEPER.

well what if you had had a longterm gf where you had secs 2 times a week for 2 years hahahahahaha then she dumped you, and you were heartbroken for 2 years, and then the next time you had secs, it was awkward and weird and the bitch thought THAT, that you had never had a GF or secs on the reg? well they would be WRONG.

but not about me hahahahahaha.  bitches and whores.

that feel when you think, hmm if all else fails, i will get a part time job at mathnasium, math tutor, that would be bretty kewl, then you look up the local mathnasium and see that all their employees are young college students at good colleges, majoring in math or engin, or they went to the local STEM high school that you didnt even know about until last year hahahahaha. so they are both 12 years YOUNGER than you, and have had way more MATH than you, you who is so proud of your A in Calculus 2, and that’s as far as you went in math. well good luck making 10 DAH as a part time math tutor because you don’t have the right stuff!

i will soon be the proud owner of a The Right Stuff tshirt however hahahahahahahaha. and that does count for something hahahaha. well unless the shirt sale gets SHUT DOWN before the shirts get mailed, which there is a 50% chance.

if i ever have to dump a person, i am gonna be the best dumper on the face of the earth.

is it JUST ME who doesnt know how to DEAL with conflict in relationships? well its safe to say SHE couldnt deal wiht it EITHER.

maybe most people can’t, so most Breakups are Bad, and we should all use SHRINKS when we want breakups to be Good.

I would be more than happy to do that. I will involve a shrink EVERY TIME if thats what it takes.

id be like hay, you arent dumping me so well, and i dont know what to tell you, lets go to the shrink and they can help you dump me better.

i mean its really not brain surgery, BUT also when you are THAT Flustered, your brain just doesnt work. you can barely do basic things, remember your name, do your job.

shit and when your job is DEMANDING as FOOK, like taking a TEST EVERY DAY, obviously youre going to be FAILING that test every day!

thats what it was like hahaha. you know how you would go out with friends and stay up late if you “ONLY” had to go to skool or go to work tomorrow, but if you had a BIG TEST tomorrow, you would get nervous, and make sure to go to bed early, etc? thats what it was like EVERY DAY of work. the WHOLE JOB was like one big EXAM that you were NEVER fully prepared for. the only time you had to STUDY was when you were at home, free time.

basically all of your schooling should be taking calls in a call center for 12 years hahahahaha. that should be all of school. K-12.  then you will be ready for anything.

or why not just MAKE everybody join the military to toughen them up.

because MOST people RECOGNIZE that everybody is NOT CUT OUT FOR the military. like private pyle. like me and prob you.

bbbbbut in SOME countries they make you! the phaggot sissies in SWEDEN need to do a year of service, don’t they? if sissy SWEDISH men can do military, so can the neetest american omega!!!!!!!

or those slimy sleazy schlomos in ISRAHELL also have mandatory military service. if those shady k1k3s can do military service, so can the sissiest, phaggiest NEET!

or maybe its really easy to get out of service. like just get a doctors note saying you have bad eyesight or are too short hahahahaha.

2 more rejection letters from the health system i have applied to 40 times hahahaha. and they want me to do a DAY OF interview or NOT AT ALL. come on. and they also test for cigarettes smoking. WHY am I trying to get in here again? because they have a good number of FT jobs with low qualifications. that dont involve a call center or sales. that I still get rejected for.

you can get through school being a total awkward autist. but this does not work at ALL in the world of work and wimminz. NOBODY TOLD ME hahahahaha.

managers, like women, will reject you unless you are a total confident, charismatic chad. slip up once and youre DONE.

also school should prepare you for the level of REJECTION you get in the real world. you will be rejected 99 times out of a 100. better get used to it.

but other special snowflakes who went to the same schools as i did, did VERY VERY well for themselves! so it must be ME, not the SCHOOLS! well yeah it IS me to some extent.

so if the economy doesnt grow 4% every year, that’s a bad thing?

if it only grows 1%, thats BAD?

well yes. because……the population grows? so we should be edgy antinatalist zero population growth fooktards?

i only listen to vinyl ripz hahahaha

i remember i got this album in like 1998 and i was a little disappointed. cuz back then i just wanted chugga chugga chugga heavy heavy heavy. i thought the guitars werent HEAVY enough. the vocals werent HEAVY enough. I thought morbid angel was supposed to be the HEAVIEST death metal band ever.  (there was plenty of “brutal death metal” if thats what I was looking for. well, every album was a big investment in 1998 hahaha. so deicide “once upon the cross” was more what I was looking for.)

but nowadays i can totally appreciate the very “organic”, human, natural production on this album. and noting it was produced by the same guy that did metallica “ride the lightning” and “master of puppets.”

in 1999 I heard their next album “domination” and liked that more. i guess youre supposed to hate that album becuase thats when they sold out. but I liked the guitars and vocals better. and thought the songs were catchier.

so i can never crap on “domination”, but I am glad “covenant” has great growing and staying power.

yep going on 3 days with no shower and this is when you def start to smell hahahahahaha. sweaty crotch and pits BO hahahahahahahaha. if you get near a wimmin at this point, she WILL dump you hahahaha.

so why do we NEED 4% growth a year? why not 1%? why not .5%? why not .1%? why cant things just stay the same? they cant GROW forever! I just dont beleive that GROWTH is always GOOD.

i mean im not too worried about a woman interrogating me about muh rel history. i mean, That Woman and I became very close friends, and she had NO IDEA of my rels or lack of them. NO IDEA. I was ready to tell her the full story, but she was ultimately not interested in hearing it hahahaha.

so basically just lie, because they literally CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH.

yeah it IS hard to LIE, because your white moral fibers tell you that lying is wrong, youre not a liar. that is very well and good. but the truth is, sometimes its ok for whites to lie, such as when they are “faking it to make it” with white women. anything in service of the 14 words, its ok for whites to lie. or if it doesnt HURT anybody.

but yeah i understand how it FEELS a little jooey or ingrish. thats FINE. it SHOULD.

also its ok to LIE to get yourself a JOB.

they dont have TIME to do MORE background checking on you AFTER you GET the job. they will either do it BEFORE they offer your the job, or not at all. therefore…..lie to get a job, and if you get the job, you wont be found out later. unless it is a super powerful job or public election or something. NOT a damn entry level 28k job. the better thing to worry about is being fired for no reason, or at will, or “restructuring”, or “business needs”, or because your company is not having 4% growth every year. not because you lied about you supervising people, or you being a great negotiator, or you being good under pressure, or you being a nonweird nonvirgin nonnevergf normie.

so yeah i just want women to APPRECIATE secs and rels more. check their secs and rel PRIVILEGE. but I’m not saying that privilege shouldnt exist.

hey i dont even want them to UNDERSTAND it. I just want them to BE NICER. you know how you can luv and support someone even if you don’t UNDERSTAND them. just do that! give me your luv and support! Give me a CHANCE even though some things about me seem WEIRD at first! you have to give me a CHANCE! and not just BAIL at the first time things are a little different. im honestly not THAT weird! women have just never given me a CHANCE hahaha. men have given me a chance! and they were glad they did!

the employers who gave me a chance were pretty much glad they did hahaha.

but the wimmin never wanted to give me a chance hahaha.

well the female friends that gave me a chance found some value in me.

well thats not to say That Woman never found any Human Value in me.

She just ran away when things got complicated. thats ALL. stop reading all this malicious intent, or thinking she never cared about me. she probably DID! she just bailed when it got HARD. i have done the SAME THING in different situaitons. cant deal with hard shit. shit i cant deal with the struggles right now and avoid avoid avoid hahaha. like i never AVOIDED anything. everybody avoids sometimes.

that is the more rational, less emotional, more truthful way of looking at this. but shit its STILL hard to do that. a year later and its still hard to Correct the cognitive distortion.

so, muh sense of judgment is WRONG, my logic is WRONG. this is why I like MATH, because math FORCES you to use the RIGHT logic. if you’re not using logic, you’ll get it wrong, so if you get it right, you know your logic is right.

i guess your logic can be terribly wrong about some things, but still be right on other things (like hopefully, your job and job-related things.) so you can be a mess Emotionally and Personally, but still do a Good Job.  because the day you’re not able to do a good job…….YOURE FIRED.

did 5 mile pwalk

while doing it and listening to morbid angel hahaha i had a very illustrative thought, i thought, what if she contacts me like 2 or 3 years after it all went down and is like hey how are u lets get caught up again, you should come to this party im having, and then i go, and she is all super mature and cool and has all these new winner friends, and she looks a little older but still good, and she is now moved way up in her career, and is powerful and respected and makes good professional money, like 40k a year, and can afford a nice place in the hip winner neighborhood, and has all these friends that make 40k a year, and she doesn’t spend a lot of time with me, but just goes around mingling, and some of the guys she gets closer to than others, maybe shes fookin em, i tell her welp it was kinda a hard year, im still lookin for a jerb, its tough out there and i havent had much luck, and she said oh well good luck, maybe you can get a job starting out in call center, if you tough it out for a few years you can become a manager like i did….and then i get pissy and am like, im mad at how things ended, you were a big reason why i quit, and then she gets mad and is like oh no, dont blame ME for that, thats all on YOU and not being able to handle me not liking you, when it was clear i didnt, i mean what did you expect? dont blame ME for that! youre the one with problems, you cant handle life, thats why you quit, thats why youre still a failure 2 years later, you gotta get your stuff together man, stop living in the past, move on, get over it! and then she moves on to some other people to mingle with, and i drink my soda and get mad and sad, yeah shes right, i didnt HAVE to quit, its not HER fault, but damn shes WAY more successful than me, i can’t get over it, she makes way more money than i ever will, she’s still 8 years younger than me, and she doesnt CARE that i’m not doing well now, she doesn’t want to HELP me, other than tell me get a job in a call center and tough it out for a few years. well thats what i WAS doing until i snapped!!!! but thats my fault! but shit how can you just invite me to this party after 2 years like nothing ever happened, like we didnt end things in a terrible way?

and so that was this vivid and incredibly unproductive use of muh brain. like a series of congitive distortions turned into a ruminating STORY or daydream only designed to make me feeel bad in every way!

your brain simply SHOULDNT work like that!

so yeah this was a rumination i guess, and then it turned into a story. a ridiculous daydream. all while im trying to relax on my powerwalk!

so, dont do that. just turn off that stream of thoughts.

so yeah i would still want to be with her in that case.

shit. not with any other woman have i never wanted to meet them so much. with the other women i can be like, yeah that sucked, but i got over them, and i don’t really care about having met them or not. it was an interesting story. no need to have never met them.

but with HER, i wish i had really never met her. we had SOME really really good stuff…..but the pain and misery and suffering and failure vastly outweighs it! if i had never met her, I would have still been working at my old job, i never would have left for the new job (that WAS directly inspired by her, we could BOTH agree), and therefore i never would have LEFT that job and I wouldnt be in the pathetic, hopeless situation I am now. I would have not had a yearlong gap on muh res,  I would have had a much better shot at getting any of these jobs im interviewing for now because i would be currently employed. and then i could have gotten the job at the nursing home, or the university, or the city. no gap, no stupid call center job, no heartbreak, no thoughts of her. no thoughts of HER! do you know how MUCH I’ve THOUGHT of HER in the past 2 years? many minutes, every single day!!!!!!!!

they say to meet women, have a full life and do fun meetups for your hobbies. well what if your hobbies are all male, like 1488 huhwhyte nationalism?

plus it’s clear that women entering that would just cause drama.

and then I thought, well, wouldn’t women cause drama in ANY Social Group?

Let’s say your fookin i dunno anime group is 90 10 men women. you think all the THirsty Omegas are not gonna be in competition for those women?

and this certainly happens in nerdy groups like that! animes, comic cons, dr who, etc.

ok so lets say the group is 60 40 men women. there will still be some competition and conflict. men getting assmad when some slut dumps him to bang the more alpha men in the group.

well, not all the people in the group will be SINGLE!

i guess we need to put in the caveat that some social groups would be better than others. for example, NO anime, NO nerdy groups, NO racial groups.

cuz i was thinking, the only social group i’d like to join is a damn racial group. but we’ve already concluded that racial groups are NOT good places for women. women can support in the background and their monog husbands be in the group, but if there are Thirsty Beetas in the group desperate for waifus, then they will fight for the attention of any single woman in the group! who will then fawn over all the attention and play the men off of each other!

so you find a group where you’re the ONLY thirsty beeta? hahahahaha.

there’s thirsty beetas in EVERY/ANY group!

and them competing for the women is gonna cause tension in the group! there will be fighting, stalking, jealousy, and the loser will essentially have to leave the group. THEY CANT EVEN ENJOY THEIR DAMN GROUP ANY MORE cuz That Woman is in the group giving it up to the OTHER men.

so yeah I don’t buy this meeting women in social groups thing. its the same thing like meeting a woman at WORK or in your circle of friends. and then she turns out to be the Work Slut or the Circle of Friends Slut. She Fooks EVERYBODY and is kinda shady and sleazy. don’t get caught up in her drama.

so i wonder if women can handle being in groups at all.

leaning towards no. single women at least. married women could handle it. but their husband should be in the group with them.  and she should not leave him for other guys in the group.

im just learning NOW that WOMEN = DRAMA?

NO, I knew that 20 years ago. I guess I have just been wanting to get along with a woman without all that drama. and i DID. and then it became very, very, very dramatic.

and really I caused the drama here, not her. DAMN.

FOOOOOOOK.

SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIT.

yeah well she COULD have been nicer hahahaha. i could have been more Alpha, and she could have been a LOT nicer. other women have been nicer!

but yeah i hope she doesnt contact me unless she gives me a big apology and also says she wants to get together with me. even though she is very successful and i am a big failure. and she never NAGS me about my job when i finally get a job because it for damn sure wont be as much as SHES making.

sheeeeit. i CAN tell you that its not natural for men and women to compete like this in the Economic Marketplace. and its a REAL WEIRD dynamic when you get rejected by a woman, then you end up comparing yourself with her CAreer-wise and trying to Beat her in career, cuz she beat YOU in the game of Luv, so now you want to Beat hear in the game of career. but you DONT, she beats you even WORSE in the game of career and ends up becoming WAY more successful than you. she’s younger than you and she is a manager / leader / senior / director / supervisor / VP / level 3, and you are older and still a damn entry level level 1.

adds insult to injury and makes you feel like more of a loser.

of course, THEYRE not doing that, YOU’re doing that to yourself. you dont HAVE to compare yourself to their career at all.

i mean, if they ARE forcing it down your throat, thats a different story. but if you havent talked to them in 2 or 3 years, and you are just stalking them on linkedin and looking at their career from afar…..that sucks. DONT DO THAT!!!!!!!!

thats the type of stuff I do. Shit I dont even DO it any more. I don’t look at ANY of these women on linkedin or facebook. but I STILL think about it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

like i imagine HER being a successful Manager!

even though i haven’t been on facebook in a year, and i haven’t looked at her on linkedin in like 8 months, and back then she didnt have any updates. now i know she got a new job, prob a tough job i couldnt handle, and i am making all these assumptions that she is a manager, she is moving UP.

i guess i am a masochistic glutton for self punishment. if it hurts, I DO it! thinking about her moving UP in career? getting jealous? yep! so just keep thinking about the painful shit! you are a master at adding your OWN insult to injury!!!!!!!! more cognitive distortions! or really, emotional piling on! you are serving up Self Serve Pain to your SELF!!!!! DONT DO THAT!!!!!!!!!

july 30

essentially Cutting Yourself mentally/emotionally. how gay is that. you dont want to be A Cutter!!!!

I was WILLLLING to handle the situation in a mature way! I just needed her cooperation! HER willingness! and thats ON HER!

so yeah i have my issues but its not truthful to say that my issues ruin every rel i ever have!

GIVE ME A CHANCE! be WILLING to communicate with me!

maybe i should go on okcupid and look for women who are looking for “just friends” hahahaha because i am certainly not Emotionally Available, and women that advertise they are looking for just casual secs, while I might want that, are not the type of women i want to meet, and generally good people to stay away from.

also as a general rule, when someones heart is breaking, dont blame them for getting feelings, just accept this is how hearts work, be appreciative that somebody opened their heart to you, and take pains to treat their heart gently….even if you didnt ask for this.

hey its not like i dont know how 2 relationship….ive just never been given the CHANCE! never given a FAIR SHAKE!

never had anyone who was WILLING!

yes this issue of WILLING is a big deal. you can lead the horse to water but you cant make them WILLING to drink.

the WILL comes from WITHIN.

heh applied for 2 jobs on a saturday.

tweaked cover letter a TINY bit to more effective Cup The Balls of the Company’s Mission Statement.

i guess basically go on okcupid and look for attractive women who seem CHILL and who seem liek they smoke MJ and are under 30. who cares if they have kids or tattoos, i am just using them for casual secs hahaha. and i will TELL them that. most women are ok with being used for casual secs, woman use MEN for casual secs just as much.

yes it is degenerate! but i cant get pregnant ever, and maybe banging some sluts will help me forget about HER, and it will also increase my confidence and experience with women, which will make me better at pulling QUALITY women that actually CAN replace her and make me forget about her!!!

jeez. can you IMAGINE how many HOURS and DAYS i WASTED THINKING about HER the past YEAR, even though she was OUT OF MY LIFE, she continue to take up SO much of my thoughts? still does! how can you THINK about someone so much when you havent seen or talked to them in a YEAR? its RIDICULOUS!

yet you THINK about them an HOUR a day at LEAST? 365 hours! thats like 9 full Work Weeks! that is THOUSANDS of dollars!

if you had to put a PRICE on the PAIN of a broken heart, it would DEFINITELY be in the TENS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS. 10 to 99 thousand dolars.

162 dollars for round trip flight to denver hahaha. can get motel for 70 dollars a night hahaha a little pricey. i ideally wanted a motel with a sauna so i could smoke tons of MJ, then sit in the sauna. well, actually i would probably walk around the forests and mountains. smoke MJ all day. then go to sauna at night. smoke tons of MJ every waking moment. probably take a few puffs in the middle of the night too. like when you wake up for a few minutes at 4:20 am, take a puff, go back to sleep hahahahahahahahahahaha.

that woman. i cant believe she has a medical MJ card and can buy MJ whenever she wants. she doesnt even have a qualifying condition and doesnt even CARE! MOST people get it for chronic pain, and jsut smoke MJ where they might have become pill poppers like white trash. but she doesnt have chronic pain!

maybe she does, she just never told me. hahaha.

SEE? a YEAR later, and still THINKING about her!!!DAMN!!!!!

also a year later, and still thinking about that JOB. HOW did I do that stuff? why didnt I snap earlier? I could never do that again!

when have I felt the most confident? When I accomplished or did well on something that MATTERED to me. like get a new job (although actually working the job would be very nerve wracking at the beginning, nullifying any gains in confidence) or especially when the things were going well with some woman. for like the 2 days in my life where things were going well with a woman hahahaha. no really its more like 14 days, thats not bad. 14 days of confidence in 30+ years hahahahahaha. no i bet i have had 30 days of confidence in 30 years, between the few women, and the few accomplishments!

but yeah making out with a gurl and shes not PUSHING you, that is a good confidence builder. when its a gurl you WANT to be making out with, instead of like, damn this gurl ugly but I am desperate, wow how shameful, imma get buttmad now. but rather WOW this gurl is awesome and THIS is awesome and I am awesome etc…… now that doesnt happen very often hahahahahahaha

you get neurotic and obsessive. you dont think about ANYTHING ELSE with the obsession and interest and tenacity you think about WOMEN with.

looked up data entry on ziprecruiter and found some jobs i have not seen on indeed. oh great. so i set up an email alert for data entry on ziprecruiter hehehe

why do women have such a disregard and disrespect for human life? you’d think they’d hae some kind of inherent bond, with babies and shit, because babies grow inside them. but no. they have NO problem killing their babies, less problem than MEN do as a matter of fact. they have LESS respect for life than MEN do. ABSOLUTELY REPREHENSIBLE.

such WEIRD feelings. what do you DO when you feel “incompetent.” thats a weird thing to feel, but I feel it.

so fix it by doing something competently!

no its not just that, it’s doing 51% or more of all things competently!

i dont WRITE very competently, this writing is a total mess. I dont job search or interview competently. i am not competent with wimmin. or employers. or personal hygiene. i AM competent with walking however. i am sort of competent with sticking to my calorie goal. i am competent with driving. thats a pretty big deal. i can drive places and not get in accidents ever. that should get me SOMETHING hahahaha.

i mean i wouldnt want to drive for a JOB. I would be totally incompetent driving a TRUCK.

NOBODY EVER TOLD ME that the majority of your working life would be spent feverishly trying to convince angry people that you weren’t an idiot, you weren’t incompetent. Well, you were KINDA incompetent, but you weren’t an IDIOT, you just weren’t QUICK witted. You aren’t QUICK WITTED, but you are smart, you swear! You got an A in Calculus 2 and got a 4.0 in high school and a 3.9 in Community College and a 3.7 in University! you were in the top 10% in high school! you peaked in high school! you should have seen me when I was 17! you wouldnt thought I was an idiot THEN! good thing that was literally half a lifetime ago.

 

HELPLESS

june 7

Take a moment to think about being socially excluded from an event. Imagine what this event might be like as vividly as you can. Then, in the space provided, please describe the emotions that the thought of being purposefully excluded/left out of an important social/group event creates for you.

Please write a paragraph using clear detail.

Please note that the continue button will not appear for 1 minute. Please use this time to think deeply about the question and write in clear detail.

I used to have a good friend I held in very high regard. We were already having problems and both of us were afraid to talk about them. She was a female friend and I started getting special feelings for her. I really wanted to talk about the situation and try have open communication about it. She did not want to do this. There was a big concert that we both wanted to go to. I really wanted to go with her. In the past there would have been no question that we would have gone together. Now she was avoiding me. I wanted to go to the concert, but I also wanted to go with her. She asked me if I was going and I hadn’t made up my mind yet. I wanted to work things out with her first. Then I decided to go anyway. I asked her if she wanted to go with me or if I could go with her. She was very uncommittal and undecided and could not give a straight answer. I just went by myself and she went by herself and did not answer when I called her. Obviously she did not want to see me but I wish she had been more clear about this. We used to hang out in the past and do things like this together. I saw her at the event and she was cold and distant to me the whole time. That was the last time I ever spoke to her and she avoided every attempt at communication I made afterward. I was devastated and heartbroken but I tried not to bother her too much when it was clear she didn’t want to talk to me. I just wish she had made some effort to communicate. I didnt expect her to return my feelings, but I did sort of expect that she would be willing to simply communicate when there was a long-term friendship at stake. I was disappointed and heartbroken and blamed myself severely and felt terrible for a long time. This loss was a very big deal in my life because she was a good friend and I felt she could have handled this a lot better. I could have handled it better yes, but she could have said something or tried to reject me with just a little bit of kindness.

i talk about this shit when making my 10 cents for a HIT hahahahaha.

ok got muh 4 job apps in today. nothing good. hospital shit. actually got a call from a hospital HR recruiter type about a vision doctors office clerk job. they were giving me some kind of screening interview.  it was like a mini interview where i bullshitted bullshit answers to her bullshit questions. the gurl sounded about 20 years old, dumb and hawt and slutty hahahahaha. i guess if i didnt sound too autistic then she might recommend to the manager that the manager call me for an interview. I sounded sorta autistic. but not like a 80 IQ idiot! but i guess its better to sound like normie idiot than a smart autist.

hehehe one day i will go in for an interview and I will be interviewing with That Woman, becuase she has rose to the position of manager. I would just say welp, I didn’t appreciate when you threw me away like a piece of garbage. I think I deserve an apology. How about you do that now. Better yet, write me a 10 page apology and email it to me. Can I bang you? got any kids yet? married? happily? wanna cheat on your husbando? Is he white? how many guys you been with since I last saw you in 2015? 20? 30? 50? anyway hire me for this job and I can bang you hard in the storage room every day like a real man. I aint no pvssy sensitive boi no more. I will pump you and dump you so hard ya gutter trash. so do you still write your and talk like white trash? still a MJ smoking retard with the people skills of a 3 year old? how many guys did you have to be an 4n4l whore to to get this supervisor position? can i bang you up the ass then? make a video of it too? wanna get fisted up the ass?  how many guys you let bang you up the ass within 1 hour of meeting them for the first time? 50? 100? wow. you really used to be a really nice marriageable woman who would have been a good mother to my children. but now youre just a ingra fooking piece of disgusting white trash. good for nothing more than an easy as hell assfook, ya filthy buttslut.  say how many abortions ya had? how many of your children have you murdered so you could bend over for more inger dick?

is how the job interview would go, where I were the candidate and she were the hiring manager hahahaha.

thinking about throwing out my cover letter and writing a brand new super edgy one. maybe its the cover letter thats holding me back. maybe its my autistic nature. maybe its because I Reek Vibes of Creepiness, Weirdness, and Desperation hahahaha. Dripping With Weirdness. maybe my suit coat is too ugly. maybe my shoes are not shiny enough. (my shoes are ok I think, I dont think the shoes are the problem.)

maybe i have terrible body odor. but i take a shower before going to the interview.

maybe the clothes stink like smoke because i usually smoke 1 cigarette 20 minutes before the interview.

but I take off the suit coat when i do that, and spray myself down with febreze and chew gum. and spit the gum out before the interview.

maybe people dont like omega virgin men hahahaha.

i am kinda disappointed that this stupid business with the job kinda impacted the new Friendship that was growing between me and my male friend from the job. He was a really nice guy and we had a really good connection. but I was hesistant to contact him because he still worked in that hellhole, with THAT WOMAN, saw that woman every day, and whenever he had get togethers, there would be a ton of other people from that job. decent people but still. that job. i just hope he didnt become friends with that woman hahahaha.

juen 8

well got 3 apps in so far today, one thing for a “furnace operator” in some factory, one state govt job, and another county govt job hahaha.

had a dream where i was essentially working as a hostess in a restaurant hahahaha and i felt HELPLESS, like i didnt know what I was doing, even though I didnt have a lot to do and there was barely anybody coming in.

one person came in who knew the guy working in the restaurant as a server, who was a friend of mine and had gotten me the job. the customer had a gift for me to give him and also wanted to talk to him. I went in back nervously, and to my horror, the restaurant was PACKED, and my friend was running around, running ragged, trying to handle everybody. I gave him the gift, told him his grandma or whatever was out there and wanted to talk to him. it was obvious he did not have time to talk to anybody. it was obvious that I should be pulled out from up front so that I could help serving….a thought which filled me with utter dread, since I knew nothing, i felt even MORE HELPLESS.

the song is very chill and peaceful and beautiful….but i am talking more about a dreadful, anxious, fearful version of helplessness, like you have been thrown into the deep end and have no idea what youre doing and have 50000000 angry customers to serve and a neverending queue of phone calls to answer and you wonder why the hell did they HIRE you for this job. oh yeah. because they’d hire ANYONE.

when you are truly helpless you are not having a great time snorting coke and playing for 100000 loving fans like these degenerates hahaha. it is more like i luv lucy with the conveyor belt of pies and shit stacking up. or a  tetris puzzle once things start to slip away and the blocks start to pile up. online this is your job for 8 hours a day, and there is more pressure, and shit is way harder than rotating stupid blocks. and explaining to franic people why why why why when you dont really know why why why why.

you do want to know why why why just so you can explain to these people who kinda do deserve an explanation…..but why is the hardest, most expensive question, which your higher ups are very loath to answer because its so EXPENSIVE and INEFFICIENT.

went over the limit on calories yesterday eating god damn peanut butter filled pretzel nuggets. COME ON.

ok got my 4th job in. bookkeeper for a nondestructive testing facility. i couldnt tell you what that is, but i know its a thing. something to do with testing metal parts for cars or planes or anything.

i almost dont want a rel or a waifu or children any more because the only woman i wanted a rel, or waifu or children with was HER!!!!!! i can accept that shes GONE, but I still dont want to accept anyone else into that very special role. right now i am at the point where I would want to casually bang bitches, ie casual chill hangouts, netflix and chill, but absolutely no monogamous rel.  so, i would be a degen enabling women to be degen also.  well, its not like im gonna put a lot of  effort into this!

some autist freak on despair forums who was dumped by a girl at age 17 after going on 2 dates and 4 years later he still hasnt gotten over her. he managed to graduate college and is even worse now and foudn her on a dating site and messaged her and she said dont message me please.  sounded  like something i would do hahaha. like yeah its been 11 months since i talked to her and i still want her. i think, well maybe if i give her “SPACE” for a year then message her, it will be like a new beginning. yes i know this is bad idea but the thought still happens.

like oh its been so long, it will be like a new beginning, and we can Start Again.

or would she say dont ever message me again you psycho, youre obviously still obsessed wtih me.

i mean i just….fooking race mixing in EVERY commercial. and race mixing isnt even THAT prevalent. dont get me wrong, its still TOO prevalent, but in commercials, its rammed down your throat at levels that are not even present in pozzed cities like….berkeley or boulder or brooklyn or san fran or some shit. seattle. hahaha.

i was out of line….but was i THAT out of line? I was stupid and awkward and cringeworthy and embarrassing……but I was in luv. that is a perfect excuse and explanation and justification for me.

well wasnt SHE jsutified because she was going thru grief with her family and so I was just an added stress?

YES it makes sense that she gets overwhelmed and runs away like a scared bunny. but what doesnt make sense is that she doesnt think about it afterwards, then do SOMETHING later after a cooling off period. like EVENTUALLY feel guilty and say hey i’m sorry about that. and i would say, i udnerstand, its a tough time with your family, im sorry I didnt tell you sooner; oh well yeah i kinda knew, i just didnt wanna talk about it; oh well ok. i was trying to send signals, im glad you picked up on them. well i guess we can talk about it now. etc etc.

i would have understood and she could have said sorry your a good friend but i just dont feel that way about you, lets still be friends. and i would say aw shucks well i appreciate you not letting me down in the worst way possible, but i really like you and i can’t turn that back, so lets take a little break for a month ok? no hard feelings.

but no nothing like that. no coming back after a cooling off period. just a permanent break.

when you hear about the way it ended, it just sounds like an abortive, anticlimactic, middle school dating thing. this is not the way a 2.7 year friendship ends. just no. under no circumstances. those 2.7 years entitled me to a better ending.

wow. broken record amirite?

because it hurts THAT much and left THAT much pain and takes THAT long to get over!!!!!!

 

 

MJ IS A GR8 VOID-FILLER

may 3

knowing WHY she chose to ignore me wouldnt help any because its still not justifiable, theres still no excuse, its still wrong. an apology would be a good start though. but….when have i ever abandoned you. youve already abandoned me once. yeah thats scorekeeping but this is a pretty big thing. not as bad as cheating, but still very hurtful. not the type of thing you IGNORE. you have to address it head on and not pretend it never happened. of course the person who DID it would like to pretend it never happend.

she would have to be willing to apologize, AND spend a lot of time together, AND honestly WORK to rebuild the trust, AND show me a lot of luv and loyalty, AND be my monogamous luver. she cant say lets just be friends NOW. not that she has hahahaha.

yeah yeah i mean i understand her circumstances and personal issues that caused her to react this way, and I probably forgive her, BUT, IM JUST SAYING, if she wanted to resume contact with me, we would have to DEAL WITH what happened. because its not the type of thing you CAN ignore. when people talk about “scorekeeping” and balance sheets, they mean relatively little things. I did you a favor last month, now you owe me a favor this month.

this does NOT apply to BIG DEAL things, like abandonment/desertion. Also cheating. now abandonment might not be a “betrayal” the way cheating is…..but it still severely damages TRUST. how can you trust someone who abandons you when you need them the most?

well ive been a good guy and not bothered her. i dont want to say respect her wishes because i dont respect them. i just know that if you bother a woman when she doesnt want you to bother her, then you look like the bad guy, a stalker, raepist, evil man.  even if you are just trying to hold the person accountable hahahaha. and i said yeah youre wrong and stupid and horrible and this is horrible and youre doing a horrible thing, and youve broken my heart and should be wracked with guilt for the rest of your godforsaken life, and you ruined my life hahahaha, but if you dont want to talk to me, then I wont talk to you.

but just in general. show some respect for human LIVES. dont throw people away. dont replace people. dont exchange people like a pair of pants. respect peoples feelings. when they say stop hurting me, stop hurting them. when they say dont abandon me, dont abandon them.

also she filled a very special role in muh life where now there is a huge void, and i dont like that void!!!!!!

the special female friend void!!!

there were some very important FIRSTS for me, like this was the first time I had gotten feelings for a female friend. This was the first time that my feelings got deeper over the long term. normally I drift away from women after 2 or 3 years and dont get feelings for them and am not DEVASTATED when it ends!

and it was the most substantial, important, long term rel I’d had with a woman in a LONG time.

the older you get, the less likely you will be sharing any “FIRSTS” with the woman. she got those out of her system 20 guys ago, when she was young. first love. first long term rel. first fooked up the ass. first heartbreak. first person she told some secret too. first person she abandoned. first person she was willing to fight for. nope. none of that for you. you are just the 20th guy where she might be your FIRST In a couple important things. oh she is your first long term rel? oh well, she’s already had 20 long term rels. you’re nothing special.

she’s very special to you, you’re not special to her at all. real good for the confidence, hahaha.

just treat me like i was a little more special to you. I know I was at one time. and then you became more and more special to me and i became less and less special to you. damn.

anyway i mean nothing to say there, nothing will change, it is what it is.

you wanting out of the relationship, thats fine. but that doesnt ABSOLVE YOU of the RESPONSIBILITIES of the relationship. You have to abide by the RULES of the relationship even though you want OUT of the relationship. and common sense rules tell you, dont throw a person away like a piece of garbage. tell them you want out of the rel and accept that your decision hurts them.  pretty common sense here hahaha. even i, the least common sense person who ever existed, knows this.

hehehe its like being stabbed in the heart and dying slowly. and how can you be a happy productive healthy person when you are dying slowly from a stab to the heart? you cant. you have to slowly die, then be born again. maybe after staying dead for a while hahahaha. even christ stayed dead for 3 days.

so i say, die slowly for 9 months, then stay dead for 9 months, then you should be ready to come back to life.

i was at the megamarket where i buy my prepaid phone card and they said they no longer let you buy those at the u-scan. I had already Rung Tender all of my other stuff. so i said ok. some customers would have given a hard time. I wasnt about to do that to the poor old 60 year old white man making 9 dollars an hour. So I just put the card aside, finished buying the stuff, put the stuff in the car, came back inside, got another card, and waited in a long line for a human cashier, who was a 50 year old white woman making 9 dollars an hour with a long line of fookin idiots who would probably bitch at her for “why dont ya open another lane.” like its her fooking decision. like she wouldnt want them to open another lane. i smiled and was a model customer. so you have to buy cards from the cashier lane now. new policy. i wonder if thats because of theft? fraud? this store only? which stores? I did not bombard the poor cashier with these questions. no doubt there was some manager hiding out back smoking cigarets. thinking about how many more lanes he could close.

go to shrink today. once every 3 weeks.

i dunno. I just think women should be kinder, gentler, more decent, less SHADY. not fooking so many guys, not doing such egregiously hurtful things. little white lies are fine. but cheating is too much. abandoning is too much. being a easy low-price slut is too much. try to make your father proud of you. but none of these gurls have fathers. fatherless whores.

white people acting like n1993rs. no fathers. white trash. shameful.  white n1993r5.

also when you are dating a guy, why the hell do you need so many close male friends? your man is RIGHT to be jealous. oh because they listen to your problems. yeah well female friends could do the same. or your family. or if you were like me, you’d be begging your GF, pleeeeease baby you can talk to me about our problems! i’ll do whatever it takes to fix them! please talk to me! and then they leave you for one of their many male friends, hahahaha.

yes MJ can fill voids in your life. I think it would help fill the void in my life right now. it is a great void filler in a way that alcohol is not.  also helps you sleep at night and not toss and turn with Worry.

it is a very pleasurable Ritual that is very much what I imagine sharing time with your loved one is like. like cuddling your waifu. the act of preparing and enjoying your mjfu.

welp went to the shrink and basically the whole time was me blabbing about the recruiter offering me the job at the call center. mentioned how I was jealous that that woman had better coping skills than me, and could handle tough jobs better than me. she was tougher and stronger than me. and she doesnt want to associate with a loser like me.

so yeah didnt really discuss that aspect.

that of course is just a weapon i can use against myself. i have no idea if she thinks i am a loser. besides what does what SHE thinks mattters. we are DONE. but i dont want to be DONE, so what she thinks DOES matter to me!

hehheh but she doesnt care what i think about her. just stay away.

basically i dont feel too bad about turning down the one job. too many red flags hahaha.

but I HATE thinking she doesnt want to talk to me because Im a huge loser.

hehehe other people talk to me even though I am a huge loser!! Im not a BAD INFLUENCE On THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

saw a very cute gurl in the shrink waiting room though, but she had to be 18-20 and was with her mother hahahaha. no chance for me. she was a very large tall big boned girl, which I like sometimes. not fat or anything. but her pants were probably too small and i could not stop staring. I thought damn if I could spend some time with HER I would get over That Woman REAL fast.  I mean I almost got aroused right in the waiting room. I am NEVER that attracted to women. unless they are young 6 foot 18 year old gurls hahahahaha. the blond hair and beautiful pale white skin certainly helped.

i should have introduced myself to both her and her mother at once and asked the mother if i could date the daughter, even though I am like 12 years older than her hahahaha and a total loser.  she is in high school and i have been out of college for 10+ years. is that normal?

well I have heard of this guy who’s like 40 whose dating an 18-19 year old gurl. pretty good. everyone thinks thats weird though. hes a weird guy though. very beta. gets devastated when women dump him and then doesnt date again for 10 years hahaha. sound familiar hahaha.

but yeah i wanted that huge young gurl to sit on muh face and also me to just have intense S with her and just grab that big body hahahaha.

i dunno. its just the first time i had this transition. where once we were good friend, and now shes TOO GOOD to hang out with me or talk to me. very hard feelings. i have drifted away from MANY people. this is completely different. alot more painful hahahaha. a LOT. first time with such extreme, incomprehensible pain.

tried Famous Daves Devils Spit spicy BBQ sauce. I give it 2 thumbs up. Its not super thick, a slight bit runny, but that’s fine. it is quite spicy indeed. I have been eating Stubbs Sweet Heat which is much less spicy, and much thicker. I think I prefer the Devils Spit. Both are better than the Open Pit Original I had had for a while and got tired of. Theres a time and a place for that, but I can’t see being in that mood again for a while. The Famous Daves is very good. glad I tried that.

but yeah i hate being given up on. a parent that abandons their child is a bad parent. a husband that abandons his wife is a bad husband. a friend that abandons their friend is a bad friend.

so what is when a former friend abandons a former friend because they dont like that their former friend got feelings for them? they say, well i don’t owe them any courtesy, because THEY killed the friendship FIRST by getting feelings! they violated their responsibilities of the friendship FIRST, therefore I dont have to live up to my responsibilities! THEY killed it!

well its obvious a gray area, but I think common sense would prevail that Getting Feelings is complicated but not inherently bad, while abandoning / pulling plug, unless when you are escaping an abuser, IS much more inherently bad. than getting feelings for a friend.

it makes it confusing because its not like we were Luvers. so really the closest thing to it is being abandoned by a friend. yeah. i mean it would really be worse if we were actually fooking (because thats all dating is hahahaha) and she disappeared.

so yeah, the closest approximation here is being abandoned and shut out by a friend. but a little worse becuase i had special feelies.

https://www.quora.com/How-do-I-stop-being-sad-about-a-friend-who-abandoned-me

https://beta.theodysseyonline.com/an-open-letter-to-the-best-friend-who-abandoned-me

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/relationship-and-family-issues/abandoned-by-a-close-friend

http://life.gaiam.com/article/how-overcome-feeling-abandonment

QUADS. i got QUADS again hahaha. i get QUADS like once a week. this is ridiculous.

 

KEEP ON STRUGGULIN / SMART PEOPLE RUMINATE

mar 22

went to the shrink, better do post shrink analysis here.

i said i was concerned with muh woman hating, vs not all women are like that, and we talked about my Picker, some people pick crazy shitty people and say why are all women like that, when really its just them picking the worst women ever. fact is my PICKER isnt THAT fooked up. I picked a couple of actually decent women. at least half were good, defensible choices. they weren’t all crazy pieces of shit. even the ones that were bad or crazy, I can see how or why they were crazy, and I don’t hate them like I used to. even THAT WOMAN she’s not literally crazy or shitty or horrible….she just did a cowardly thing that happened to hurt me a lot. she didnt even want to hurt me a lot. if she did this to anyone else, they would not hurt as much. it’s not first degree evil, its more like manslaughter or accidental death. well….it wasn’t quite ACCIDENTAL.

anyway i can still read warning signs. I read the warning signs that said our rel was In Trouble, I just didn’t see anything that said it was gonna BLOW UP like it did. it didn’t think it was gonna be THIS bad. but it was CLEAR that things were not going well, and that she prob didnt want to Date me, but would rather get fooked by random Tyrones than be with a man who was truly committed to her hahahaha.

basically when i am sitting there talking to people I am not as weird or as fooked up as I think I am. is that just me wearing the mask? or is that my real self? i dunno I really dont think its a mask per se. i really dont. if anything i dont have any mask with the shrink and i am pretty comfortable talking to them!

i mean im not lying! i dont WANT to hate women!!!! i really hope not all women are like that!

i dont like being confused and overwhelmed all day where I dont know what to do….but i gotta do SOMETHING to solve the weirdass problems. think outside of the box ALL the time with lots of pressure. I can think outside of the box 50% of the time, but 100% of the time?

http://www.theapricity.com/forum/showthread.php?49040-Would-you-date-a-partner-which-had-relations-with-another-race-Or-damaged-Goods

i forgot about the apricity, a european cultural forum. they get really autistic about dna and mdna and ydna and clades and subraces and shit and allow nonwhites and jews and albanians hahah.

mar 23

AYO HOL UP HOL UP. AYO. HOL UP.

YOU TELLIN ME DAT PAUL NEWMAN was a JOO?????????

his FATHER was a 100% joo and his mother was slovak shiksa. so paul was 50% J. still not good. most 50% J’s identify as J’s. but i thought this masculine handsome man was 100% goy!!!! damn!!!!!

anyway just wanted to add that i have tons of unanswered questions, that will NEVER be answered. like what did she really think, what did she really feel. yes it matters to me. because i cared what she thought, and also it affects me directly.

i realized that another big thing i liked about her was that she was HONEST. I never got the impression that she was hiding anythign from me, that she had a double life. she was HONEST. that is HUGE. i TRUSTED her. so YUGE. many women, I get the feeling pretty quick they are not telling me the full story. like of all their guy friends they are banging hahaha. or that they are losing interest in me and dont really enjoy spending time with boring lame weak nice old me hahaha. they meet exciting secsy new guys all the time. ms popular.

she wasnt like that AT ALL. she had barely any friends, she would drop her friends when they turned out to be bad influence losers, and just hang out with her family instead. i liked this. these are all good signals.

an when she was avoiding me, she had excuses, but they weren’t really LIES. and I really dont think she was LYING when she said she wanted to hang out at some point.

what she didnt say though, was that she wanted me to lose my feelings for her before we could hang out again.

i think she was honestly interested in staying friends for the long term…..IF I didnt get special feelings for her. she couldn’t handle that AT ALL.

and at that point she didn’t LIE, she just stuck her head in the sand like an ostrich.

but yeah i just wanted to note that it was very important to me that she was so honest. that is a very important quality for me. very very very. not that i’ve had women BLATANTLY lie to me….but they had a very sneaky, covert, duplicitous, two faced way of hiding things and almost being two people. I HATE that sneaky shit. HATE it.  It’s The Woman’s preferred way of lying. I would PREFER BLATANT lies. boldface lies. not these sneaky jooish lies. and i dont mean to imply they are “little white lies.” little white lies are harmless. these sneaky lies are harmful. like yeah im gonna dump you because id rather fook more interesting guys. bet ya didnt see that coming! well….i kinda did, cuz its not like i really TRUSTED them. I WISHED I could trust them, but i clearly couldnt.

with her, I really TRUSTED her, and she did seem really honest and trustworthy. And technically she never lied to me! she was honest but was a big time AVOIDER. avoiding sucks but it isnt really lying.

and yeah we got along GREAT. it was a very special good friendship where we got along so well. I appreciated that. it was no surprise that it finally “CLICKED” for me. That I wanted this great special friendship to go to the next level. it’s not every day you meet someone you get along with THIS well. only happens a couple of times in your life.

i dont like Online Dating because you just meet too many people short term and it seems like a job interview except with fooking. i am sure it leads to promiscuity. i mean if you go out with a guy for 3 dates, you HAVE to fook him right? then immediately lose interest in him and Ghost him hahahaha. repeat the process with another online guy. check the check boxes. well this guy is OK but not great. and there are 60000000000000 other guys out there willing to Date me. one of thems gotta be better.

this is the total opposite of how we became friends. i first met her at a job, we got along immediately but i didn’t trust her right away becuase im not an idiot. but after months and months of getting along well, i began to trust her and know her better.

with online dating, youre not going to get months and months to get to know someone better. you have a good impression on the first date, good impression on the second date, then fook, then continue making good impressions or you’re gone and IMMEDIATELY replaced with a new candidate. or you already know the woman is having several first dates with new men every week, because that’s normal and not frowned upon like it should be.

and thats the world shes getting into. its horrible for women and its not great for me either.

why couldnt she appreciate how WELL we got along?  that doesnt come along very often in life!!!!!!!! it was a special thing!!!!! treat it like its special!

but I can forgive her because i know this was just cowardice and immaturity and stupidity. there was no malice or deception intended. it was just a big baby acting like a big baby.

i think ideally she WANTED to continue being friends. but she also wanted me to stop these feelings. and i just couldnt do that. if i could i would!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I was bad about communicating and she was 600000000 times WORSE.

so i have good reason to believe that she WAS hurt by losing our rel, as I would hope that she would be, that she DID find our rel important to her, she wasn’t LYING about that……i just wish she had the BACKBONE to be able to TELL me that, so that it was NEVER in doubt.

so many unanswered questions. so many questions i have to ask her, like what were you honestly thinking and feeling? For you theres not so many unanswered questions becuase I wrote you long emails and tried to answer any question you might have had about my feelings and how things developed. I just wanted you to similarly answer some questions for me. just share your feelings honestly with me. I know you can be honest. I luved your honesty.

so yeah it was very important for me just to get along so well with a female human being. that hadn’t happened since like 2005. took 7 years for me to meet her and have it happen again. also i didnt fall in luv with the woman from 2005!!!!! she was literally just a friend and I was fine with that.

heh. i don’t mind being friends with women. i LIKE it because it proves i dont hate women, and that i can get along with women. and unlike Dating, everything isnt stupid and rushed. I dont have to wear a mask and pretend to be more macho, or feel pressured to have secs too soon, like all women want to cuz theyre sluts. dating sucks, being friends is fun and positive. i like getting along with women. and at this point, my ideal is friends first, then develop into moar. because you actually have something there that’s real, long term, sustainable, sustaining. my friendships with women have always seemed a lot more REAL than when i dated women, which was like a rushed production. it was real fun in parts, but overall, it was a rushed production. not so with my women friends. there everything was completely natural and good. until i got feeligns hahaha. but it would have been so good if it worked out.

i mean i can reasonable conclude answers to most of my questions and try to reassure myself with that: she doesnt HATE me, i didnt do anything WRONG, she doesnt’ think i BETRAYED her, she just wanted to AVOID stress, she DOES value knowing me and thought our time together was special and good…….but it would have been 6 gorillion times better if she had just TOLD me that. or wrote me an email telling me that hahaha.

i told you a bunch of stuff even though you didnt ask. didn’t you care enough to ask? i think she did care, she was just too cowardly to ask, there wasnt enough BENEFIT to her to ask. besides, I gave her a lot of answers, so therefore, less incentive to contact me for more answers.

well, assuming she even read the emails. that’s something i’ll never know. I’m sort of assuming she just deleted them, or never read them. but maybe she did! I hoped she did but i’ll never know if she did. if she wanted information and answers and explanation from me, she could find of ton of that in there. i gave her everything she could possibly want: answers, explanation, availability, openness, willingness, and also I flipped out and left the job, which meant, for her, that she didn’t have to see me, look at me, deal with my Creepiness. So it was technically a huge WIN WIN for her. she could very realistically pretend I never existed. She could ignore me and I would go away.  it worked out perfectly for her. she continues at the job, moves up in career and life, meets exciting new men, our Good Friendship becomes an increasingly faded and forgotten memory, there is plenty of fun new stuff to overshadow it.

meanwhile i am completely devastated because i can’t deal with stress. a little bit of stress and rejection and heartbreak and my whole life is literally ruined. this is a way of symbolically K’ing myself, because I am not into actual literal Suizid. some people eat a bottle of pills, some slash their wrists, a cry for help, some people cut themselves, drink too much…….i just quit my job and become a neet loser hahahaha.

my yeah. muh feelings. it hurts to have an important person in your life and then boom they are totally gone. not because they died, but because they LEFT you. COMPLETELY. left you and completely BLOCKED you. it would be better to have one of those half-ass break ups where you think you might get back together again because she’s being too nice to you. like what happened with woman2005. then eventually i came to hate her in a way i will never hate This Woman, and probably that hate helped me get over woman2005. that took way too long thouh hahaha.

i just take a long time to get over women in general. it sucks.

i either want to have HER, or to find someone new as quickly as possible to replace her and forget about her. but i know it just doesnt WORK like that. it just takes a very long time to get over the previous person. so i hate it when women jump into new rels so quickly just because they can. it’s not fair to the man. take a long break from dating AND FOOKING AND ALL PHYSICAL STUFF when you end a rel, BITCHES. hahahaha.

but yeah the feeling of being replaced. she would rather fook some new guy than hang out with me, rather have casual meaningless sex than give our rel the respect it deserved. unbelievable. DISGUSTING.

but we actually had spent a decent amount of time together over the years. she never used to blow me off, avoid me, I wasn’t like her guy of the week where she was interested in me for like a week or a month like some other women. she didnt treat people like that, and i liked that about her. i don’t want to hang out with people who burn through their interest in me so quickly. im not just some flavor of the week hahaha. i am all about long term everything. no social relationship, friendship, or Romance should EVER be short term.

its not so much she did a 180.  i didnt feel she was being dishonest. if anything she was confused and didnt know what to do, so she did nothing. she probably KNEW the right thing to do, but she avoided doing it because it was too HARD. I guess I just want to know that she was smart and decent enough to even KNOW what the right thing to do here was.

https://heartiste.wordpress.com/2013/12/23/finding-a-poosy-paradise-by-womens-number-of-facebook-friends-around-the-world/

hehehe THAT WOMAN was also not an ATTENTION WHORE who had 500 or more fb friends!

https://heartiste.wordpress.com/2015/05/20/the-thirst-a-closer-analysis/

hehehe he is honestly an excellent writer. that makes me more willing to believe his degenerate points, which may be bad. but this isnt degenerate, its just Human Nature goy!! there are rumors that heartiste is at least somewhat a J, and that he gets his ideas from Black Bigman Ooga Booga Thuggery. But women will respond better to a Caricature of Masculinty than the absolutely lack of masculinity from modern white males like carl the cuck or aids skrillex hahahaha.

https://heartiste.wordpress.com/2014/05/16/incel-vs-insol/

mar 24

had a weird dream, interesting dream. yes she was in it for 1 second. we were in this large building or ship. there were lots of rooms and floors and a decent amount of people in there. the place seemed kind of dingy and shitty overall. but behind one small unassuming door in a small unassuming room, the door opened up into a huge magnificent ballroom. it was in a slight state of disrepair but it was clear it could be fixed up with any effort. it was huge and just kept going and going. in that dreamlike way, it was SOOO big that eventually it became Outdoors.

anyway i found a small hole next to an old car and for whatever reason climbed into the hole and slid down to the bottom, which was a lot further than i expected. it was a tiny cramped narrow hole but a very long one. very claustrophobia inducing. there were other people in the hole all holding onto each others legs so they didnt slip further. i was now the bottom person in the hole. to get out i had to climb up all of the other people in the hole.

essentially it was last one in, first one out; first one in, last one out.

so the people nearer the top kinda get screwed. they have to wait longer before they can climb out.

now once i got out i stayed at the opening of the hole and tried to help people. not sure how that worked but i tried hahaha. i morally supported everybody hahaha. said its ok keep going were gonna get you out of here soon.

so i figured that was a good metaphor for my life and my mission: to help people who had fallen down the same hole I did.

so i saw HER in the dream because i was on the WARPATH looking for her: “she’s AVOIDING me, but im gonna FIND her!” she was avoiding me but not making a huge effort to HIDE from me, so I found her a few rooms over, hanging out with her new exciting secsy friends. only it wasn’t really like that. she appeared to be laying on a couch with a much older man laying on top her her. like a 60 year old man. but they werent doing anything Secsy. weird. the whole room was filled with quiet sad looking people. I came in and made a scene like “HA! I FOUND YOU! YOU CANT HIDE FROM ME!” and then I found out everyone was so quiet and sad because it was some kind of memorial service for a dead person. great. now i looked like a real asshole. and she would never come back to me. not sure why the old man was laying on top of her. maybe it implies she was molested by an adult when she was young? but I really don’t think she was!!!!!!!!! MAYBE she was. it would explain quite a lot actually. but i have no idea, no proof, and i will never know.  its POSSIBLE and it would explain a bit of her behavior. she may have had a deadbeat father but her mother was pretty good as far as single mothers go, took good care of her, did not neglect her, and prob would not let her be molested! but still all it takes is once, plus children can be scared to come forward.

but yeah its NICE to have an ACTUAL female friend for several YEARS, it’s an actual real relationship with a woman, not some open and shut charade where it begins and ends within 3 months. they quickly lose interest in you and are immediately with a new more exciting guy.

not with her, she was open and honest with me from the beginning, was interested in me, cared for me, gave me time and attention for about 2 YEARS. that is pretty valuable and special IMHO.

like i say, it was a muuuuuuch more important relationship than any of the gurls i “dated”, which were all under 3 months. short term BULLSHIT. this was a long term rel that actually meant something.

yes that is very hard to lose.

yeah i was more invested so i can’t really blame her for “breaking my heart” as much as I can be mad and disappointed in her for simply not CARING that I was HURTING. In a longterm friendship you usually show CARE and CONCERN for the FEELINGS of the other person.

anyway. how do you bullshit a person when you dont know what you’re doing? how much should you study every day after work? well no more than 2 hours i would say. you still gotta go to the gym, GOMAD, and spend time with your family. and stay up till 4 am writing papers for your univ of pheonix class, so you can one day make 16 DAH in an office job, really advance your career, and find a good white wife with all that money and confidence hahaha!

then get 2 hours of sleep and go try to solve weird problems on the phone for 10 hours where it feels like a test that you did not study for at all, an oral exam administered by impatient proctors. “what do you mean? that doesnt make sense. well what happens if bla bla bla bla stuff you’ve never heard of before?” “uhhhhhh i dunno let me try to find out for you, please hold.” 5 minutes later. “Ok did you mean x or y or z?” “what do you mean? I’m just saying bla bla bla bla.” “ok please hold, let me ask again.” 5 minute later. “ok here’s what they’re saying. they’re saying this can’t be done, its not built to do this.”  “well are they gonna fix it? this sucks.” “yep it does suck. and no, I don’t believe they are gonna fix it any time soon. i can check if you give me 5 minutes.” “no thats ok. but what do i do here now?” “hmmmmmmm. great question. let me get back to you in 5 minutes. too bad the level 2 didn’t advise me what you should actually DO here, 5 to 10 minutes ago. please hold!” asking the level 2: “so what do they actually DO here? caller is confused and so am I. I don’t know what to tell them. Is there anything they can DO.” 5 minutes later, from level 2: “Nope not really. can’t be fixed. tell them to start over again I guess.” to customer: “level 2 says nope nothing you can do but start over. i guess hahahaha.” “can I talk to this level 2? I can’t believe they said that.” “neither can I, but I promise you they did, and I can’t think of a way to candy coat it. but you can’t talk to them. they have to give shitty answers to 20 different people in this chat room for the next 4 hours, they can’t take calls.” “wtf kind of operation are you running over there?” “yeah I know. its absolutely ridiculous. I couldn’t explain it to you even if I understood it. But a lot of time I end up trying to explain things I don’t really understand.  it truly boggles the mind and will drive you insane. want to switch jobs? please save me from this hell! what did I do to deserve this! I must have made baby torture snuff videos in a previous life!!! I must have been the worst person ever! Why is GOD Punishing me like he did with Job? at least Job had strong faith and a successful life! You’re not really teaching me anything here GOD, except that life is suffering!”

Well, life kind of IS suffering!

Well, maybe the more accurate thing to say is life is STRUGGLING, but it doesn’t have to be constantly SUFFERING. you suffer too much, and then you lose the will to keep on struggling.

anyway the job is sorta like that scene in monty python holy grail where prince herberts father tells the 2 guards to STAY HERE, AND MAKE SURE HE DOESN’T LEAVE. And the 2 guards hilariously misunderstand that simple instruction and he needs to explain it 20 times and they STILL misunderstand it EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Only instead of ridiculously simple and straightforward instructions like

YOU BOTH STAY HERE.

YOU BOTH MAKE SURE HE DOESN”T LEAVE.

it was super complicated and 50-step procedures that you had no concept of, had never done before, had no idea what they looked like, and which may include other things in there which they didn’t mention and you don’t know what to do on those contingencies.

so in other words, it was really easy to screw up and you were essentially being given incomplete and vague instructions not appropriate for the complicated task you had to do. quickly. while explaining it. but not understanding it.

imagine if the GUARDS were trying to explain to you MUCH more complicated things than in that movie.

so you kinda had to be like the guards and try to interpret instructions in the weirdest ways so you could ask in advance, well what if THIS happens? what if THAT happens? are you SURE you included everything weird that may or may not pop up during that huge procedure? is there ANYTHING else that MIGHT happen that I MIGHT need to know? I’ve never done this before. You’ve been here 3 years and actually seem to know shit. I don’t KNOW shit. Just tell me what to do and i’ll do it, but know I don’t really know right from wrong. I’ve only been here for a few hellish months and still don’t have good knowledge and judgment.

I DONT KNOW RIGHT FROM WRONG.

to such a morally minded person as me, it is INFURIATING and MADDENING to not know right from wrong in so many situations. Is this right? i dunno, i guess. Is this working properly? I dunno, i guess, i don’t see anything wrong happening, though I might not recognize wrong when I see it. These aren’t moral matters, but weird technical matters.

i was way smarter than her! yet i freaked out and got flustered a lottttttttt more than she did. of COURSE that annoyed her. everything I did ANNOYED her.

well then tell me what you would do in this situation.

i dunno lol just figure something out.

but you’re an idiot. you don’t know how to figure jack shit out. i just want to know what to do. thats why i study this shit feverishly when i GO HOME. you just smoke MJ and hang out with your FAMILY hahahaha.

its not like she was hanging out with GUYS or was super social either. She was blowing me off just so she could SIT AT HOME with her FAMILY. it’s better than being blown off to party with the gurls or suck dix, but still. Why can’t I just come over and hang out with your family too? I wouldn’t mind seeing them more. I know family is important to you, I agree, family is very important. I wouldn’t mind meeting your family.

i met her mother several times and that was ok, but I would have liked to spend more time with her family to show them i was a decent guy who could be trusted, was a decent guy for her.

and as my feelings grew, she seemed less willing to allow me near her family. or maybe that was just a side effect of her avoiding me in general haha. probably yes the latter. again i don’t think she was deeply thinking about anything at all. she was just quickly emotionally reacting.

I was emotionally reacting too, but I was also deeply deeply obsessively thinking about it over and over and over. ruminating. I dont think she was a Ruminator whatsoever. Shit I wish she were. SMART people RUMINATE.  hahahaha. well, smart people THINK about shit at least a LITTLE bit. she doesn’t THINK about shit AT ALL.

well she didnt think about our situation at ALL. that sucks. she’s willing to think about other rels and other guys but not me.

well hell i’ll never know. I want to know, were you even thinking about me. did i matter to you at all? or was I really just a piece of garbage to you? i can’t believe THAT.

shit. it was such a clusterfook. the fact that the job was paired with HER, made HER all the more worse; and the fact that she was paired with the JOB made the JOB all the more worse. Really destroyed my confidence in Doing Jobs (and having Rels with Women.). so now i cant feel i can do ANY job.

how to bullshit convincingly in tough situations. how to sell someone on an idea even you dont believe. how to fake confidence. how to sound like you believe your own bullshit.

drinking really weak watery coffee seems to be best on my stomach and guts and such. best way to get your caffeine/coffee fix. i just cant drink strong coffee. otherwise too much pooping and gurgling. needs to be weak. jelly of those men who can drink super strong coffee.

so im sitting here looking at maps of new caledonia and the maldives and the kyber pass and the seychelles and some french island i never heard off near comoros and madagascar, rather than doing important productive stuff. wondering, do they have Nightclubs and Hookers here. but why do I want to bang melanesian and polynesian and indian and asian and african hookers? i dont really.

maybe i would rather bang nonwhite hookers than white hookers though. hooking is so degenerate i dont even want to THINK of white women doing it.

ok paul of tarsus is the same as the saul who became paul on the road to damascus. he was called “paul the apostle” but was not an official twelve apostles. how could he be. he was killing christians. well i dunno about that. hes the one who wrote all the Letters/Epistles.

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/productivity/5-tips-for-lightning-fast-decision-making.html

google how to make decisions quickly.

jsut DO SOMETHING FAST. dont sit there and scratch your head. DO SOMETHING NOW. AND EXPLAIN what you’re doing and why you’re doing it while you’re doing it. fast fast fast. move move move.

https://hbr.org/2013/07/make-good-decisions-faster

transient advantage. I READ THE HARVARD BUSINESS REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/strategic-thinking/201307/make-good-decisions-faster

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sliding-vs-deciding/201603/in-love-and-marriage-practice-doesn-t-make-perfect

ie, people that are huge sluts with high numbers have lower marriage satisfaction and commitment because they rode the carousel and have no oxytocin left hahahahaha

being promiscuous is simply not emotionally healthy for people.

Girls are also having anal sex: 20 percent of women 18 to 19 have, 40 percent by ages 20 to 24.

from this shitty article:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/open-gently/201603/teaching-girls-the-truth-about-sex

what about 28 year olds? is that like 60% then?

https://www.psychologytoday.com/tests

http://personalexcellence.co/blog/analysis-paralysis/

http://www.inc.com/larry-kim/6-ways-to-make-faster-decisions-infographic.html

some real ted talks bullshit hahahaha.

maybe this bitch catlady with an mba and 10 cats and no children, and cant keep a man because she’s 50, only has thirsty omeegas lusting after her dried up womb, and the successful men she works with dont even consider her for an affair because she’s 50 and crazy, maybe she can teach me how to make good decisions faster hahahahaha.

me and the woman had a GOOD rel.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-practice/201603/4-signs-new-relationship-has-long-term-potential

according to this article, we had a lot of long term potential. i shared her values. i accepted her for who she was. she accepted me for who i was.  she was warm and trustworthy for the first 80%. did we have equal mate value? well not any more. her mate value is WAY higher than mine hahaha. but in the beginning it seemed we had much closer mate value. we were both making Pretty Good money. but fact is, she was younger and Prettier hahaha. but as friends and humans we had about equal Human Value hahahaha.

she made me feel good about myself. well in the first 80%. near the end, i felt horrible about myself because she was rejecting me and avoiding me and shutting me out and that really hurt.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/counseling-keys/201603/rules-texting

when you are texting more than you are really talking, its time to have some FACE TIME hehehehe.

yep. she increasing didnt want to talk face to face so I was increasingly dependent on TEXTS, and facebook messages, and instant message chats. she could CHAT with me from across the room, but she couldnt talk to me face to face. it was SO fooked up. well to be fair i was weird in person too. but if i had like 1 hour to hang out with her outside of work, then it would have been better. at work there was always WORK hanging over your head. better get back to work before you get in trouble. im worried about our rel but i’m also worried about this work i don’t know how to do.

but then when i saw her outside of work at The Final Event, she was very distant there too though.

however there was no way I could have a serious conversation with her there. it was loud and public and she was with family member. come on. and that was the last time i ever talked to her. damn. she did not want to see me outside of work AT. ALL. so me aproaching her outside of work was the NAIL IN THE COFFIN. but do you really expect this from a Good Friend? hell no!

i think a 2.5 Close Friendship is WORTH her writing a long email at least! its WORTH a long, serious conversation!

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/office-diaries/201506/where-training-fails

hehehe companies hate training employees, but employees need training to do a good job! but companies give the wrong kind of training anyway. hey i forgot i technically had training. but the article is right, you need to train behaviors. we learned the behaviors by “SHADOWING” people actually doing their jobs. WATCH AND LEARN, they said. I wish there was more of an easing into there. like, we had more time to say do a 2 person call and be coached by the more experienced person. instead of 1 or 2 days of shadowing and then BOOM we had to do the job.

wasting time studying partially recognized states in the caucasus, such as abkhazia, south ossetia, nagorno kabakh.

y dna haplogroups. r1a.

anyway. i want to find a podcast to help you bullshit better and sound confident. so you can get jobs and women.  and not sound like a nervous inferior omega neet that cant get jobs or women. or you just get the shittiest fattest ugly women, and not for committment either, cuz they can do better than you hhahaha.

well the jokes on them, cuz i’m not interested in them either hahaha! i am only interested in women that are WAYYYYYYYYYYYY out of my league. hahaha. i guess in this way I’m also like a woman. wanting more than you can have.

CHAMPAGNE TASTE ON A BEER BUDGET!!!!!!!

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/constructive-wallowing/201603/how-get-your-partner-talk-you

ok article here.

QUOTES:

E.g., “I’m feeling awkward and anxious right now; I really want to talk to you about ______, but I’m afraid.”

“I feel nervous approaching you about this because I’m not sure how you feel about it, but there’s something I really want to talk about.”

 “This is awkward for me, but I really want to talk to you about something. Do you have a few minutes?”

If the answer is no, then, “When would be a good time?”

(You can reasonably expect your partner to make time to talk with you. See my previous post on expectations it’s good to have in relationships.)

“I’m having a hard time with what happened the other day, and I just wanted to run my thoughts by you and hear what you think.”

“I’ve been feeling awful ever since we had that argument at the movie theater. I felt miserable both during after, and I’m afraid my misery made me come across as rude. Now I’m worried that our relationship is damaged. I’ve been thinking about it a lot and hoping we can get back to the way things were.”

If you value the relationship, don’t hesitate to say so:

“Our relationship is important to me. I want to feel close to you again, and so I need to be honest about my experience with this.”

END

some decent actual scripts for you to say. hhehehe that last one sounded like the email1 i sent here. our relationship is very important to me, i want to be close again, please lets communicate. where i went wrong was that I wanted her to communcate back with me then (she didnt) and i should have just said right then (or wayyyyy earlier): “i really want to talk to you, I have started getting feelings for you and I am feeling very confused and anxious. lets talk about this and not avoid it any more. It is going to change our relationship and I want to do that as painlessly as possible.”

https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201101/the-thoroughly-modern-guide-breakups

mr dreamy doctor dumps woman by email after 2 years of luv

good article too.

QUOTES

nything less than face-to-face sends a distressing message: “You don’t matter.”

“The pain of losing a meaningful relationship can be especially searing in the absence of direct social contact.” With no definitive closure, we’re left wondering what the heck happened, which can lead to the kind of endless rumination that often leads to depression.

“Situations where you have an incomplete picture of what’s going on are perfect ground for the development of rumination,” says Yale University psychologist Susan Nolen-Hoeksema. “It can send people into a tailspin.” Many dumpees emerge from the tailspin distrustful of others, making it difficult for them to establish closeness with future partners.

Dumpers themselves may come to re­gret surrogate sayonaras once they realize how badly their vanishing act hurt their former partners—and how little concern they showed. “Five years on, you don’t want to be ashamed of how you handled this,”

“You have an obligation to watch out for the other person’s self-esteem,” Virginia’s Portmann says. “Do not cut them down in such a way that it’s impossible for them to have another successful relationship. Why rub salt in their wounds? That’s torture.”

8. Communicate ongoing appreciation of the good times you shared.

12. Resist thinking you’ve lost your one true soul mate.

END

 

A LOSE LOSE LOSE LOSE LOSE SITUATION / GETTING YOUR LUV MUSCLE SWOLE AF / RECREATIONAL REPRODUCTION

mar 2

just because your relationship is in a contested or tenuous or uncertain state, doesnt mean you can just throw it away. doesnt mean you can throw it away and the other person wont get hurt. yes it was uncertain and probably unlikely that our friendship would or even COULD last…..but it doesnt mean you can throw it away like that. have a meeting and finish the friendship in an HONORABLE way, not a DISGRACEFULLY DISHONORABLE way. it should be a solemn and tear filled ceremony on both sides. like burying a decorated soldier. play taps on a bugle or amazing grace or bagpipes or something. its serious and its sad for both people. you dont throw the dead soldier into an unmarked grave. thats something you do with like osama bin laden hahahaha.

so dont say well i didnt owe it to talk to you or be nice to you because YOU (meaning ME) KILLED the whole friendship in an INSTANT when you got feelings.

and i would say, i disagree, youre WRONG, that simply isnt TRUE, i appeal that decision to dr fookin phil, lets go talk to a shrink right now, you can even pick a manhating shrink if you want. yes i got feelings but NO this doesnt kill the entire relship DEAD. our relship had longterm roots, had a lot of time and emotion invested from both of us; you just CANT kill that dead in one instant. you can try, and i say that YOU tried a lot harder than i did to kill it dead instantly. the natural and right thing to do when one person gets feelings is to talk about it, to see exactly how its gonna affect the friendship, and if it needs to end, end it HONORABLY.  the natural response is not to avoid and throw away the other person. thats NEVER the correct response.

by this time i can accept and live with the fact that she was just scared and avoidant. ive avoided shit i shouldnt have. i am a huge avoider. turns out so is she. ALL IT IS is a person avoiding dealing with an unpleasant reality because its too hard, and doesnt have a big enough payoff for her. and she probably KNOWS this too. but its not enough to get her to act. never will be.

like when you or even I avoid something we know we should do. we say, yeah i know im wrong, i should do this, but im too much of a lazy coward, now lets just focus on the future and not the past hahaha. yeah i was wrong, shame on me, i take full responsibility, bla bla bla. is this true repentance?

WELL, its not always that your avoidance directly HURTS another person. you might be too scared to do something you need to do, but its not really HURTING anyone but yourself. at worst another person is mildly annoyed that you didnt do something you said you would do. but rarely does your inaction directly hurt somebody a lot!

so in other words, very rarely would you need to make AMENDS with another PERSON regarding your avoidance.

this is one of those rare cases.

most of the time though, the main person youre hurting is YOURSELF, by being lazy and cowardly and craven and spineless and apathetic.

but sometimes, another person is really putting themselves out there For You, and you let them down by doing nothing. its not a betrayal, its not Aggressive Hostility, its not the worst kind of evil, but boy does it SUCK and its rude and destructive and bad.

so yeah. i cant say she was DISGUSTED by the idea of lowly loser ME liking way-out-of-my-league HER. she did not have a Big Head anyway. I cant say anything about her motivations or thoughts or feelings other than she was too scared/cowardly to do the Courteous thing; AND that she was not interested in Dating Me. that would have given her the motivation and courage to respond to me. I guess we can say she was not at all interested in continuing the friendship. like not at all. that was kind of insulting. rude hahaha. insult to injury.

they say there is a self esteem problem with Women. I say BULLSHIT. then women would not be making more money than men hahahah. they would be fookin pathetic neets like men. instead, many women act like fookin narcissists. like they are gods gift to the world. now bow down and worship me. how dare that unattractive man even look at me.

if anything i like a woman with slightly LOW self esteem because I have kinda low self esteem myself. also it makes you more humble and friendly and not an asshole. people dont think theyre TOO GOOD for you. so i kinda liked that about her. she was humble and quiet and shy and didnt think she was the greatest thing in the world. without falling into the other trap women with lower self esteem have, ie they become sluts trying to build their self esteem thru promiscuous secs. and she did not do that.

march 3

i dont think she had super low slut level self esteem in other words. she just didnt have excessively inflated narcissistic princess self esteem! and was humble and reserved and quiet and chill and did not have a huge sense of entitlement. she seemed mature and nice and loving because she really was.

she was also real “good” at avoiding shit when she didnt have something tangible or obvious to gain. like, if she were in love with me and desperate to hold on to me, she would have done something.

when women really luv a man, they show it. they dont make things ridiculously, infuriatingly difficult for you. they make it EASY for you. note: not the same as making it easy to bang them……too many women give it up too fast and easy. when i say easy, i mean they are friendly and OPEN. they WANT to spend time with you. they arent constantly busting your balls and giving you TESTS. they are HAPPY to be with you and will let you know. by smiling at you, laughing at your stupidest jokes, gazing into your eyes, getting close to you, not treating you like you have ebola. not avoiding you all the time, or giving you excuses.

documentary on love shy incel virgin males, possibly some neets in there, women hate their entitled personalities and desire for nonfat women

http://pastebin.com/Q7BDknYY

here is a copy of the comments hehehehe

march 4

well apparently all these guys are creepy and woman hating and they also hate themselves and will take years of therapy to even start to heal their broken souls and maybe then they might be ready for fat old table scraps. then and only them. they are SO broken, SO far behind, that it would take YEARS for them merely to wake up, and then YEARS after that for them to actually change their behavior enough to pull fat old single mom table scraps hahaha.

not to dehumanize the fat old table scraps! i just dont want to marry them and have children with them and i dont even really want to date them or even bang them. i would rather be alone, and GOOD they say. i want to have actual feelings for a person like ive had in the past. maybe less DEBILITATING, but i DID like the CERTAINTY of it all. there was no ambiguity or maybes or waffling or on the fence or uncertainty. i was 100% ALL IN with the person. thats the way i wanna be with the woman i marry and have children with!

i dont want to have Loved OTHER women MORE than the woman I marry and have children with! its really not fair to HER! or the CHILDREN! or to me. its a lose lose lose lose lose situation! (assuming 3 children hahahaha)

http://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/does-she-me-1

“DOES SHE LIKE ME?” asks the secsually mature college aged kidult. hey i didnt know these things when i was 18 either, i only knew how to beat off to jooish filth aka porn. therefore i never learned how to talk to grills and i never went on to make white children.

anyway i would say, and this is a thought exercise because i want to see IF i know the correct answer before reading what alice says, which is sometimes accurate but oftentimes horribly degenerate and permissive and immoral.

ok, if she likes you she will be sending obvious signals and might get increasingly obvious until you notice them, if youre too autistic to notice them at first. or she might get bored and then lose all interest in you and not show you any signals any more.

basically she will WANT to hang out with you and will say YES when you invite her to hang out and NOT AVOID you. she will smile at you in a genuine way, maybe tilting the head, staring deeply into your eyes.

if you get closer to her, she will not pull away like you have a disease. but you should probably make the first move towards her. touching her and staring at her and such.

she will be OPEN to you and friendly and accomodating to you and not a yuuuuuuuuuge bitch. she will seem OPEN and not CLOSED to you, generally.

the article did not really say that but it didnt NOT say it either. it said it can be scary to put yourself out there for a possible rejection, yes VERY true, but we have to make ourselves open and vulnerable if we ever want to get Luv, also true.

mar 5

well thing is i am probably less love shy than these woman haters, because i have come CLOSE, several times, just never been able to Close The Deal. Luv Is For Closers. Wives are for Closers Only. i have opened Muh Heart and put myself out there…….i just keep getting rejected. probably because i am a classic Nice Guy and spark absolutely no attraction whatsoever on the part of the women. no tingles, no swooning, no sense of wanting or devotion or commitment. no tingle. no luv. no attraction. no attachment. no value. sometimes as a friend though, but never more. hehehe. i want to be more than friends with a woman some day!!!!!! well at least i can be even friends with a woman. i dont think the love shy incel woman haters can even do that, because they are too Dripping With Creepiness.

also i am not as weird looking and weird acting as they are. when i talk to people, i am not super duper WEIRD. i mainly come across as a little shy and quiet, and super NICE, but definitely not WEIRD. if anything i am a people pleaser and give the impression of wanting to be Liked and Accepted and Not Rejected hahahaha.

But Dripping and Reeking of Entitlement and Anger, not so much! I’ve been able to rein that stuff in in public hahaha.

google how to think fast and act cool under pressure when you have not had enough training

while bullshitting reasonable sounding explanations while sounding confident even though you have no idea what you are doing.

thinking of my Old Job once again hahahaha. You Just Do It because no one will show you how and theres no articles on the internet, videos on youtube, or threads on forums on these topics on the whole internet. i cant beleive it.

ok. heres what you do. you try to make everyone like you, so they invite you to Happy Hour after work. you eagerly accept and then spend a minimum of $50 on drinks for the coworkers. buy everyones affection. that way they will be willing to help you when you fook up on the job. they will be willing to train you to do your job. also try to get as much job training out of them while you are all at the bar drinking, because at work, you simply wont be able to Steal Their Time to get them to Show YOU how to do YOUR job which nobody trained YOU on because the company has determined that its not cost effective to TRAIN people, just throw them to the wolves and if they drown, fire them. and no one is there to teach you how not to drown. That’s where I come in. and tell you to spend fookloads of your hard earned money at the BAR essentially Bribing your Coworkers to talk to you about Work while at the Bar.

How do you get them to invite you to Happy Hour? ummmmm see who gets out at the same time you do and say “hey want to go to happy hour and i will buy you some dranks? I’d like to get to know my coworkers.” keep doing that until someone agrees. bonus points if you can get any of the Senior Team Members. They will know more, be smarter, AND their opinion of you REALLY matters. They will probably be 10 years younger than you, make $3 more an hour than you, not have to answer phones all day, and possibly have attractive gurlfrans hahahaha. bet you wish you knew what that felt like!

cuz see you can get to work early and stay late to shadow people and learn shit. but since they are still working, you wont be able to ask them questions about YOUR job, just watch them do THEIR job and hope is relevant. not that either you or them will know if its relevant.

Ooooooh heres an idea. Bribe a coworker who either starts or leaves in the middle of your shift, to come over and help you before or after their shift. give them money and or buy them lunch, dinner, and or dranks.

201 days since last contacted HER, 235 days since i last talked to her and shit ENDED.

i have definitely turned a corner and might be even 50% through it. but i am certainly not over here. i will not be over her until i have equal feelings towards another woman.

should you marry a woman if you still have feelings for a previous woman?

im talking about when you know youre getting old and you know your mate value is low and you’re not gonna get a GREAT woman, so you just have to SETTLE for the best you can get. you know you’re not gonna be HEAD OVER HEELS in LOVE with her. but then you say, is this REALLY the best i can do? even that damn MUDSHARK i loved more than this endomorphic, potato-shaped, stumpy, squat 35 year old single mother. who might be half lebanese hahahaha.

we have a lot of “LEBANESE.” for being such a small damn country. the lebanese seem to be christian or at least nonmuslim and often mix with whites to create swarthy mixed children who could pass for italian. dont get fooled. have them get a 23 and me.

but do you really DESERVE a 90% or more white wife? you might be white, but you’re still a loser, therefore, you deserve a white loser wife, at best.

i wandered into some degenerate filth on tumblr, which i forgot was FULL of degenerate filth. I found a degen camwhore who sorta looked like THAT WOMAN. OH GOD. and she posts all these degen pictures because she “Loves Secs and is a Secsual Goddess” and loves being fooked hard and being secsy for all the guys jerking off to her, who then post pictures of them jerking off to her pictures.

well i looked at it for longer than i should have but i did not really ACT on that looking. really i would have liked to keep the looking at under 10 seconds, rather than 5 minutes. i mean shit its been 159 days since i really looked at the filth. i want to get that filth out of my mind, its absolutely disgusting.

its sad that a 21 year old gurl, let alone any woman, any person, could/would think this is OK.

well i wont reset my counter, but i would if i had actually physically indulged in the degeneracy. although i did LOOK at it for TOO long.

i hope That Woman doesnt do filth like that!!!! now that she is on dating sites. giving those naughty bits to random men from the dating sites. o god. i would have given her naughty bits a hard masculine pounding but i would have given her luv and commitment too. thats hard to get from a guy like me hahaha who doesnt luv any women.

2016-03-05_19h22_04

http://www.rdos.net/eng/

take the Aspie Quiz!

turns out i am a total normie….well signif more normie than i am a sperg hahaha. an autist hahaha. now i picked a lot of middle of the road answers. for tests like this it helps to go to extremes so you can Discover Yourself.

karma is a BITCH! just like how on married at first site, neil divorced sam even though sam came around to him and changed herself and started being really nice to him. TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE, even if she was being genuinely nice. she was just SO bitchy to him in the beginning, and he did not like it. questioning his masculinity and such. to be sure, he was very faggy and not masculine at all.

yeah dont tell the people why youre dumping them. because you werent x y z enough. because YOU did something WRONG. this is YOUR fault. and then if they are like me, they will blame themselves for pushing the love of their life away.

but yeah its amazing how wrong things went. i liked having her in muh life. i cant believe it failed so fantastically. i was trying to help it fail better hahahaha.

also i feel more like a confident normie when i have a female friend. when i dont have any female friends, i feel like a total weirdo who doesnt know how to talk to gurls.

obviously the solution is to have MORE THAN ONE female friend in case one gets totally BTFO. then you can prove to yourself that you are still treated as a human being by women.

yes it does matter that these are friends and not family members hahahaha.

although it really sucks if your family is not good to you!

but yeah its still easy to remember the good times even though……..horry sheet….we are getting to the point where it will be TWO YEARS since we had good times. wow. that is just scary how much time of my life i wasted here.

well i “only” wasted 10 months. and then i’ve “wasted” like 8 months trying to Get Over It. so, 18 months. only a year anda half hahaha.

still i wish she had shown me a little more CONSIDERATION and KINDNESS. COME ON.

mar 6

yeah dont want to look at that filth. women shouldnt be DOING that, and men shouldnt be LOOKING at it. that is just a terrible mindset to be in. i hope my future wife has never done shit like that.

well i made spreadsheet of NET calories for each day since jan 1. NET meaning calories from food minus calories burned exercising that day, if any. then get 60, 66 days worth and really crunch some numbers. get the AVERAGE net calories over a LONG period of time. myfitnesspal does not LET you do this so i had to make this spreadsheet to tell me that as of today i am getting NET calories per day of 1173. wow not bad uh. so really i should be losing 2 pounds a week instead of 1.5 then right hahahaha.

yeah i wish i hadnt looked at that filth for so long. even just looking at it for 10 minutes is too much. you start to think all women are whores like that. yes you are a whore if you put pictures of yourself fooking a dildo on the internet.

well what if youre just showing your t1ts or showing an unspread undildoed vag? SLIPPERY SLOPE MAN. SO slippery, i’d say its practically the same thing. just a short matter of time.

i dont want to think average women would do this.

even if they DO, you are BETTER OFF NOT looking at it ever, and then dealing with their whorishness on an individual basis, like, telling women directly, dont be a whore. but dont look at evidence of their whorishness. i guess maybe you can actually bang them though. cuz that increases mans confidence.

looking a porno or even “erotica” just makes you hate women, and decreases confidence. better to just jerk off to your imagination instead, and not having your imagination perverted by that perversion.

yeah well it does to me at least. i hate that women are so dumb and immoral and weak and degenerate to do this. and its sad they dont have fathers who keep them from doing it.

yeah i did dumb degenerate shit when i was young too though. but theres something unique about exposing your “holy of holies” as a recreational pleasure zone for the express purposes of glorifying recreational sexs and getting horny guys to jerk off to you, putting it out there for EVERYONE to see. this should be a PRIVATE thing. have SOME humility and decency. this is the thing that creates life, and you put it up there on the internet getting POUNDED and CREAMED.

its degrading for everyone and its disturbing men watch so much of it so reguarly. its disturbing i watchd so much of it. it def fooked me up!

what if a woman wants to commit to you but you dont want to commit to her?

i havent had THAT happen yet, but i guess it could. if i could fall in luv with a female friend, ANYTHING can happen.

a womans commitment is a valuable thing. it means she luvs you and wont just up and LEAVE you. she will be willing to have your children and raise em up hahahaha. that is super valuable. and you want to have children! so shouldnt you have children with ANY woman who is WILLING to have children with you?

TECHNICALLY any woman who has SECS with you is saying they are willing to have children with you.

and women have casual secs with guys theyve just met.

so fooked up.

THE HUMAN LIFE CREATION PROCESS SHOULD NEVER BE CASUAL. IT IS INHERENTLY INTIMATE AND SERIOUS.

and dont show your babymaker and adjacent areas getting pounded and creamed on the internet for neets and degens to jerk off too.

Oneitis is actually true luv and is a GOOD thing, when its two-sided.

I am very regretful I fooked up my MIND by

  1. watching lots of porno in my youth
  2. and THEN when i wondered why i couldnt pull women, i DOUBLED DOWN by reading tons of game and pua stuff. that only made the problem worse.

tons of porno > incel > tons of game/pua reading > bad bad way to be. you get permanently fooked up and takes a lot of hard work just to get back to neutral.

now game isnt ALL bad. if you can filter out the wheat from the chaff. look for the stuff that befits a healthy, traditional, moral, white man.

its IMPOSSIBLE to filter out the chaff though when you are coming from the Frustrated Porno Incel mindset I was in, and which probably 80% of people who read a lot of Game are in!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

good point! hahahaha

when i watched that pornographic stuff the other day, i could only think of That Woman and how I REALLY wanted to be getting intimate with HER, and it wouldnt be degenerate at all. then i think of her giving her Genitals to some Tinder Badboy and feeling jealous and disgusted that he gets to experience that, and that she is being such a dumb whore.

cuz i still have a libido thank GOD…….i am just starting to appreciate it as a Sacred Vehicle for Gods Love, a tool of Life Creation that you share only with the woman you Luv. like I did for her. Sacred Gods Love.

and of course watching porno completely kills that view of secs as special and sacred and turns it into j00ish hedonist degenerate muh dick, if it feels good do it.

whereas it should be a symbol of luv and intimacy and pair bonding, which is WAS, for me re her, and for her to give it away in that degenerate sense is just heartbreaking.

i mean yeah i would have gotten pretty perverted with her. done everything you can imagine with her. recreationally even! using a rubber to signal my intention that i dont WANT this to be Procreative Secs! but i would also treat it as an intimacy building thing, a love strengthening thing. like lifting weights for luv. getting your Luv Muscle SWOLE AF.

but yeah even watching a LITTLE porn is bad. eschew this degeneracy completely, cold turkey. i hadn’t looked at something that bad in MONTHS yet i could already feel my brain rewiring itself back to the old bad ways.

you shouldnt see this stuff unless it is being given to you in real life by a real woman, pref one you have a Real Rel with. to present it in any other way is degrading. and even somewhat vanilla softcore tumblr camwhoring is degrading af. and then think about the REALLY degrading shit. horry sheet.

march 7

yeah i think i am making some definite progress in getting over HER and she is seeming more like a fading memory. which is good. well i mean id still be with her. maybe in 10 years when she is an old catlady with baby rabies she will coyly contact me to see if im married, and then i will have my chance to bang her, after she’s past the Wall and she probably has some bastard kids, possibly half black, and she doesnt look nearly as good as she does now. older and fatter and uglier. and has been with way more men and has certainly gotten crazier. yeah sign me up for that.

women need their fathers to help them pick a good man.

htt   ps://radio.therightstuff.biz/2016/03/02/the-fatherland-episode-16-car-talk/

see this episode of the fatherland hahaha. also good talk on women “settling.” because they overestimate their own declining value and are holding out for “mr big”, or their ((((soulmate)))), or a guy who gives them more “tingles” hehehe while totally dumping good beeta provider good father types. their father would say, i dont care that this guy is not an exciting badboy, hes a good man, and i should know, marry him and have some kids and in a few years youll thank me. YOURE WELCOME. dont ride the carousel like a slut.

anyway. not much left to say about it hahahaha. as time passes its obvious that she was the bad guy and was being super UNFAIR to me. she was being more unfair to me than i was being to her. i didnt EXPECT her to luv luv me. I just EXPECTED her to not avoid me, and to Talk to me about ending our Rel. That is not unfair at all! its fair AF!!!!

meanwhile she cuts me off and lets me fall off the cliff while flailing my arms. lets me drown while i flail my arms when she could have thrown me a life preserver. just turns her back and walks away on somebody that was important in her life.

shit yeah its very disorienting. turns your world upside down. how she could be so nice and kind and loving when we were Just Friends, but treat me COMPLETELY differently when i started showing her some Interest.

well she would say I was treating HER completely differently. kind of, yes, ok fine. but it was in a positive and open way, hers was in a closed and negative way. how is it so hard to say Aw Im Sorry?

Even if she was too Overwhelmed to say it, why not just signal it? signal warmth and kindness to me rather than coldness and hatred?

mixed in with mixed messages like “you are a good friend” and “yes of course well hang out soon” and “i miss you too.” i took those as signals of warmth.

but yeah she was overwhelmed and Just COuldnt. I Cant Even. that’s all it was. something so simple, but had such devastating consequences.

just give me a little recognition that this is TUFF for me.

understand this is not the best way to exit a rel. that there is a better, more mature, less hurtful way of doing it.

show me just a LITTLE kindness. the fact that we had a REAL friendship kinda DOES “entitle” me to that. you arent some random slut to me and im not some random chad to you. respect that we were once important to each other. respect the long term relship. respect me as a person. just because i changed towards you doesnt mean i stopped respecting you as a person. i never wanted to hurt you. i wish you had shown ANY effort in not wanting to hurt ME. any effort at all. cuz whether you WANTED to or not, you still hurt me. at least give some sign that you dont MEAN to hurt me. give me SOMETHING, ANYTHING.

recognize that its HARD to LOSE someone whos IMPORTANT to you. damn. it doesnt matter that you were more important to me than i was to you. i used to be important to you! you changing how important you find me does not absolve you of the responsibilities of treating me like a human being with a heart and soul and feeeeelings!

anyway i am just concerned with how to learn things FAST. learn complicated confusing things FAST and then multitask them while explaining them. without having to ask for help. without getting flustered. and withstanding this all day every day.  how to fake confidence.

well i would say fake confidence with a slow yet not monotone voice; by bullshitting and always covering your ass; and using flashcards to memorize facts fast, even if they dont mean anything to you yet.

yes but HOW do yu bullshit and cover your ass effectively?

how do you maintain your sexual morality when no women are sexually moral? how do you treat sex as special and sacred when all women are promiscuous whores who treat sex like recreational hedonism?

in other words, how do you turn a degen woman into a nondegen? how do you live with degen women when you are trying to be nondegen?

taking into account that All Women prefer Experienced and Confident men…..

well what about tim tebow? he made a big deal about wanting to stay a virgin till marriage but because he was a secsy pro sportsball aflete, cute young gurls were literally throwing themselves at him, would have no problem marrying him.

http://pastebin.com/raw/RMfpQP8n

because i cant archive TRS forum posts cuz you have to be logged in hahaha

so technically i am breaking their OPSEC well i am sorry goys

a 16 year old virgin boy on TRS was asking the valid question, should i just bang some random slut now, or wait for somebody i truly like. we all know what the nondegenerate choice is, but… he worries about being a 30 year old virgin hahahahahaha. i am not a 30 year old virgin but kinda close to it. i am older than 30 and i have only have secs with 1 gurl, 2 times. it is not easy for manlet beetas to get secs. so i would say, just TRY it, make sure you are Protected, and if you dont really like it, THEN wait for somebody you actually like instead of some random dirty skank who gives it to everybody. which is what all women really are anyway hahahahahaha sort of kidding.

http://bbs.dailystormer.com/t/pornography-to-abstain-how/10412/15

QUOTE

The problem is deeper than blocking access. The problem is the desire to see it. We are proud white people who believe life is sacred, including the reproductive act. Now that’s not to say we don’t occasionally have a moment of weakness or confusion, but something that we know is wrong should not be a regular part of our life. The question I ask when I’m tempted is “Why do I want to see this when I know it’s wrong?” Those who control our culture make it a point of pride to give in to every base urge. Pornography trains us to do this by appealing to the most powerful urge of all. By fighting this temptation, you’re defeating the enemy’s most potent weapon and strengthening your own constitution, becoming a better, stronger man. The more you reflect on this, the less you will be tempted, and the freer you will become. The desire itself will actually go away. At least, it did for me. Hope this is helpful.

That’s right. Just remember. The j wants you watching porn and idly fapping away at degenerate sexual acts. They want your brain seared with disgusting imagery so you can not have healthy loving relationships with the opposite sex. Remember it is as much a weapon as a gun or a vial of poison. It is literally turning you into a depraved human being that is wasting time you should be spending on improving your self and mingling with real life females.

It’s so disgusting to see the way males in public (even whites these days) ogle women and their body parts like they are pieces of meat. It’s obviously because they stare at porn for hours on end. You expect it from negros and beaners but come on white man. Have some respect and have some chivalry.

That’s another good point about ogling and objectifying. I’ve had grown men I work with showing pictures of the wives and girlfriends body parts on their phones. They stick it in my face and say “Check this out!” I sez “Man, I’m 37 years old!” “Yeah so?” “So is it really still that exciting?!”

Yeah we all found porno magazine here and there growing and were captivated to some degree. But then I figured we grew up. We got white males, fully grown, running around showing each other “boobies” like teenagers.

END

Daily Stormer i havent read their board that much but i totally respect them and Andrew Anglin, who is even shorter than me hahahaha. I dont care if he banged an asian gurl once [not entirely proven, just pictures of him with asian gurls] and I believe he deserves a good white wife and white children. i would like to see him more on TRS but he is busy with his own thing. But I totally support DS, i just read TRS moar. and by read i mean i listen to the fatherland, the shoah, and read the forum. I would send DS dnations if i had a real income. and of course TRS, probably mill woes, that nationalist woman in sweden with 8 white kids whos husband was arrested for hate speech, the white farmers in south africa, etc.

high school kid says its so easy to get secs when you are young, you just text a slut dtf and she says ok. and you are banging a 17 year old gurl!!!!!! course this is coming from the tall handsome confident 17 year old boy hahahaha.

well i am glad i banged a gurl before age 25. because thats when your brain gets locked in. so if i can get a gurl to do recreational reproduction with me before 25, i have some kind of game locked in, and i should be able to get Action AFTER 25. i just havent yet hahahaha.

now if you are SO autistic you cant get laid by 25, then thats hopeless. i guess get a hooker at age 24, but thats not gonna teach you much about Game and Talking To Gurls. Well I guess if you got GFE hookers where you talk to the hooker before the secs.

well its ALL fookin degenerate. Porno, and also Game PUA. it was TERRIBLE that i went though BOTH phases because that is the most j00ified, degen regression ever. PUA is basically taking a pornographic approach to life and finding the most pornified degen crazy bitches.