nov 15 2014 saturday 709pm

done with day of work. no easy day. never an easy day! but now i am actually getting good or ok at muh job. so i have more confidence. but i still get nervous answering the phone. every. damn. time. so it’s challenging to get over that and think clearly and calmly and act quickly, like i need to do.

muh female fren said she might be able to hang out tonight so i am waiting for her to text me. of course about only 35% chance she actually will, so my expectations are managed. it is 712 and i wish she would text me sooner rather than later because i have had a long day and don’t like going out too late.

went for powerwalk just now, went for powerwalk yesterday, bought a little blinking light to clip to your clothes so you can be seen at night. i went outside and it really wasnt THAT dark and i ended up barely using it. good news is i am powerwalking again, which i need to do ERRY DAY so as not to become a huge fat4ss.

did not take valium yet. i will bring some valium if i go out to visit her and offer her some. ideally will smoke w33d and take valium and just hang out and cuddle and watch tv or movies and make out a little. or get rejected from any sweet cuddle or make out action.

i prepared the perfect text which tells all. i will never send it, but everything i need to say can be said in 5 texts:

” [event] made me realize how  lucky i am to know you [name]. i wouldnt mind trying to become closer friends with you, if you would be willing to try that. it took me a long time to get to this point, but it finally happened. if it could happen to me, maybe it could happen to you too. i have to be honest and let you know soon though. I still think you are a great person! i think i just started to get feelings for you though. like a switch got flipped. thats why i’ve been acting so weird lately. it doesn’t seem like you feel the same way,  but i hope you do at least a little bit, or are open to the possibility. not that i am crazy in love with you, haha! more like a small crush, or like liking. sorry to make things complicated, but i dont want to hide it from you.”

the end.

we had a decent texting session last night of Intimacy Building. Or maybe i’m just sealing my doom in the friendzone. because i’m too much of a faggy niceguy. i don’t even care, a faggy niceguy is what i am. i am just trying to act natural and be myself honestly and fook what the pickup artist faggots say. of course i’m not gonna lie and pretend like i don’t like her! and will try to show that thru the body language when i hang out with her! it’s just getting to the hangout that is taking a while. and we both work like working class stiffs that we are, working class work takes up all of your free time and all of your social life. you don’t have time for a social life.

but at least you’re not a scumbag parasite loser and can hold up your head high and say i am gainfully employed full time in a middle working class job!!!!!!! and i pay taxes!!!!!!

anyway i would prefer scheduling a definite time a few days in advance, rather than this maybe i’ll text you if i get done early stuff. it wouldn’t be so bad if i could hang out during the week at any night. which i could do if i had an easy job and could do it without sleep. but i dont and i cant.

anyway she stays up late but i dont stay up late. if she does want to hang out, she better text me before 9 pm hehehehe.

anyway there is only a 35% chance of me winning here.

but what if i do? i never have been winning with a grill before. will def be interesting blogging material. i will not give away any info about her. of course it will be all about me, as a nevergf who might get their first gf after age 30 hahahahaha. but i don’t want to jinx it.

but yeah i am fully invested in her, it’s gonna take a while to get over her, hahahaha. all the more reason to ACT NOW. ACT ASAP. get it over with. get it out of muh system. unpause the pause button.

i don’t really have any backup grills. i don’t know any other grills. theres a cute gurl at my job but i still like my female fren better, she is more ladylike and probably lower number. and i like her moar.

so if she rejects me, i can go back to liking zero gurls like i did not too long ago. that wasn’t so bad. i mean if i knew a lot of eligible gurls i might like more than zero or one gurls at the same time. when i was 21 and in college i liked THREE gurls at the same time, would have dated any of them, if they hadn’t ALL rejected me, hahahaha. since getting out of college, the number of Eligible Gurls has been reduced by 99.9%. it’s absolutely ridiculous how different college is from the Real World.

but i do prefer the Real World because it’s Real. i sometimes wish it had Moar Gurls though.



dec 24, 11:53 am

ok i swear i will start wrapping presents in about…30 mins. just researching unemployment benefits. bennies. where muh got dam welfare check, first of the month, hehehehe.

muh new job does deal alot more with the manager speak and buzzwords, which is great in my opinion, because I can just spit those back at them, AND recycle them in muh resume. I have been there 1 week and could ALREADY make a MUCH more impressive Resume Entry for this job, than I could for being at muh old job for 5 years, and struggle to come up with anything impressive. New job looks a LOT better on paper, in other words, which help permanently strengthen muh res, GOD willing.

would DEF bang kyla grogran on the weather channel. good lord. every inch. holy crap. would just go hogwild on dat bod. even if she is old! she has kept herself in VERY good shape.

was at the grocery store and saw a gurl from muh old job, and she had left that job months before I did, and I always thought she was nice and cute and SORTA regretted not Sacking Up and Asking Her Out To A Nice Dinner Date, because she could have sat on muh face ALL day, and prob would have even been fun just to make out and cuddle with. Nice, cute, pleasant, and potentially VIRTUOUS gurl!

So I had just exited checkout and the store was PACKED and I noticed her about 10 feet in front of me, took a second to recognize her, she didn’t see me because I was sort of behind her. Basically I had to immediately decide whether I was gonna dash up to her right then and there and immediately Ask Her Out or Get Her Phone Number in a Crowded Supermarket Parking Lot on Xmas Eve Eve. I hesitated for 2 seconds and the gap increased, and she “got away.” However then I vowed that if I ever saw her AGAIN, then I WOULD dash in, close the gap, and do an Blatant Masculine Charming Ask.

but yeah. nice, cute, potentially virtuous, young, could somf all day, but much skinnier than muh preferred “big girls”, but don’t think it would be a dealbreaker, hehehe.

Lesson Learned: If you see a gurl like this and have a split second of indecision, THAT will be the Dealbreaker. Just Run Up To Her and Ask Her Out on a Date Right then and there IMMEDIATELY. Time is SO of the essence. Who cares if your delivery sucks. Here, anything is better than nothing.

It helps if you got along ok with the person before, hehehe, and I did.

Life Lesson: Dress Pants look a LOT more dressy and professional and adult and grown up and Successful and Winning than Non-Dress Cotton Khakis, esp w no crease.


you can buy them from kohls for $36, which IS expensive as f00k, but hopefully you can make them last 2 or 3 years, and you don’t need 5 or 7 pairs, just 2 or 3 at the very most.

However, know that Young Women and Teens spend way more than $36 on one pair of JEANS.

later. 7:07 pm. went to xmas mass on xmas eve afternoon, get it over with, didn’t want to get up early on xmas, hehe. the mass was packed. muh church is not great for Big Masses because the people really squeeze in a little too close. but mission accomplished.

muh big secret is, I have been saving a small “magic brownie” to eat at just the right time. at that time I will prob write/blog LIKE A MADMAN, write 9000 posts at once, because my mind WILL be RACING for HOURS. so I was toying with doing that tonight, in an hour or two. obviously need to have the next day off.

i am 99% sure they will not drug test and I am 99% sure a number of people there are regular Medicine Takers.

like I have specifically talked to people who said they were never drug tested.

so that is really the only thing that would make me legit paranoid.  i had orig said that I would not do it till I had been working in the job 1 month, so middle of january. not I want to try it after 1.5 weeks, hehehe.

YEAH, I really should do that. now leaning towards that. but there will be some intense writing around then, I can assure you. I think that’s the only think I CAN do when muh mind is racing. that and Exercising. Take Medicine, Exercise, and Write.

Yep in hindsight I wish I had dashed up to that girl in the parking lot. actually I could have gotten to her before she left the store, so we would not be talking outside in the freezing cold. because lord she was really cute, really nice, could SOMF ALL DAY, lord the things I would do to every inch of her little body.