BEING A GOOD PERSON DOESNT MEAN SH1T IN THE MATING MARKET

but it really SHOUDL hahahaha. also also in the job market for that matter. I mean it DOES really matter to me, and for the state of your soul. and it matters with your friends and family.  it just doesnt matter with women or jobs. and those are two VERY important markets in life.

aug 11

hisssss leave me alone lads hahahaha

heres the question, when going to a DOCTOR, should I trust a White WOMAN over a nonwhite MAN?

because i am now seeing this White Woman DO, GP, Fam Practice Doc for citalopram refills every 6 months. she is not bad, she is def white, but also def a WOMAN.

weird dreams last night, unfort heavy involvement of the woman. in it she was shrinking into a defenseless baby, but also refused to communicate.

but she also refused to run away. so she stayed around for whatever reason, maybe she was scared to leave, but she was staying, but she also wasnt saying ANYTHING and was being very moody and difficult and bitchy.

but she was STAYING and that was the important thing. I was being a bet niceguy tyring to comfort her saying its ok sweetie, i’ll be here fore you when you want to talk.

then there was this alpha male playing rock guitar and she looked at him and then I feared that that would be enough to make her leave me.

he was a white guy who i went to college with 10+ years ago and was never superfriends with, but he was a good guy and I got along with him. he was a rare Country Hick who went to the univ. He was very very smart, and into writing fiction (I think) and gambling. i feel he wasnt some kind of mindless marxist. i hear he went back to the middle of nowhere and did nothing with his life, much like me hahahaha. except i am not in the middle of nowhere hahahaha.

so she didnt leave me for him but i didnt like the interested way she looked at him!

it was kinda like when the loving person is trying to help some traumatized child who cant or wont talk. the child is staying with you, so that’s good……..but they aren’t being cooperative beyond that. and what if they did leave? youd feel shitty for investing so much of yourself in trying to help them, when obviously they resented it and you.

then the dream got really weird with lots of weird creature horror cronenberg type stuff, where she was shrinking into like a cat rat baby hiding in small dark spaces.

and then there was even weirder shit. this grotesque skeleton nun appeared displaying these poor animals she was torturing/K’ing by essentially skinning them down to the bone, while leaving as much skin on some parts of the body so as to keep them alive as long as possible. however the nun herself was a kind of animated, partially skinned human corpse, who was supposedly the father of another man in the dream, who was either supposed to be my Professional Partner in helping/treating That Woman (who by this time was a scrawny cat rat child)…..or something.

so anyway the mans father was partially skinned into a barely living human skeleton dressed up as a mockery of a catholic nun, who themself was doing a similar skinjob on these animals. cats and dogs. but the idea was, it wasnt of their free will, they were being controlled / possessed by some demon or devil like in the exorcist.

these are the types of dreams I have when I am at my average!!!!!! hahahahaha.

i think woman 2012 also made a cameo appearance, hahahahha.

ok got 60 minutes of power hour peak UVB vitamin D sun, 2:15 to 3:15.  1 to 2 would have been better but i was at the dr. i am hoping sunshine activated vitamin d is the magic bullet that cures everything wrong with me hehehe.

this was a great vidya from this poor lost soul.

now he does watch sarcuck of cuckad, and quotes a socialist at the end of this vidya, but uhhhh the points he makes in this vidya are unimpeachable. i just hope he isnt really a socialist. for the sake of his own soul!

anyway the interesting thing about that dream is, somebody can be unwilling to communicate with you, but theyre still willing to STAY WITH you. that is a nice bona fide. of course, maybe they’re just too scared to leave you, and as soon as they build the strength, they will leave you.

she was absolutely not willing to stay with me, in the sense that she was “with me” as a friend, somebody in my life that I talked to, texted, hopefully hung out with, but not any more.

but yeah i guess time really does heal all wounds, i can tell i WILL get over this SOMEDAY………..

…….it just takes a RIDICULOUSLY long time, like TWO YEARS of ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT. and by then, someone who was very important to you, who you wanted to be the mother of your children, will have faded away into a faded memory like all the other women. and then you will be a 35 year old loser who never had a proper GF and doesnt have a proper job and you know you will never find a nice 7/10 white 25 year old n<4 woman ever again.

oh yeah. got called for interview today. 12k a year job hahahaha. 12k. 11 dollars an hour, 20 hours a week. unbelieveable. but the job seems like it would be easy and stress free. back at the old employer i had from 2008-13. ideally would get the job and then be able to find Secret Internal Jobs, then get a FT one of those for 30k a year. The End. Life Goal Achieved.

the woman who called me sounded really confused and disoriented. she was clearly having a bad day. she sent me an email as discussed and it had some errors in it. i hope she was just having a bad day and this is not her average hahahaha becuase my average is WAY better than that hahahahaha. and she is making 30k a year. like some damn fatcat plutocrat factory owning capitalist hahahaha. how much does her HUSBANDO make.

the st andrean guy brings up an interesting point: back in the DAY, low level retail and cust serv people didnt have to THINK. “we dont pay you to THINK!” but now you have to demonstrate how you are a FAST and CREATIVE and GREAT THINKER UNDER PRESSURE for a damn 12 dah part time job. now you need to THINK FAST all day so you can solve customers problems and keep them from bitching at the manager.

then how do dumb negers get fast food and walmart jobs then?

affirmative action hahahahahahahaha.

and then i just remembered its HER birthday this month. but the good news is i didnt realize that until 10 days into the month hahahaha. now SHE is getting old. i wonder if she will have any mud baby Sprogs by the time she is 30. or if she will Abort the Sprogs and focus on her career.  yeah but a woman like her really NEEDS a MAN.  i wonder how many cox shes fooked in the past year. she used to be a beautiful person. “inside and out.” way to become a slut after age 25. so sad. hey u could married ME!!!!

and

basically i worry that SHE WAS THE BEST. I’LL NEVER FIND A BETTER WOMAN THAN HER. Young, Pure, Innocent, Nice, AND good looking. she was the FULL package. she just didnt luv me.

every woman I meet I will just end up comparing to HER, and SHE will beat them.

that’s my fear now. because as an old loser man, i don’t have any value in the mating market.

being a good person IS an important thing in life, with friends and family, in society……

but it doesnt mean SHIT in the mating market!

it doesnt mean SHIT in the market where New Human Life is created!

isn’t that weird?

Also what I’m assmad about at women is not just that they are going against their natural role……

but that they are so ENTHUSIASTICALLY, WILLINGLY rebelling against their natural role!

yes lets enjoy lots of casual sex! yes lets become powerful leaders in companies! yes lets have strong powerful careers and make big decisions! they LOVE it!

Whereas I am deviating from MY natural role as a MAN….but it wasn’t my CHOICE, and I SURE as hell dont LIKE it!!!!!

took some nyquil. then will go for walk num 2. was kinda useless today. zero job apps. not sure how that happened. i blame the dr appt, and also much hourlong walk in the afternoon. but really i think THAT is more important than doing an hour of jobsearching at that time.

also I get a lot of emails every day and it takes tiem just to scan them. i get SOME (not a lot) APPLY jobs out of these emails. it essentially takes the place of looking at the main indeed list.

also yesterday i learned that “stupid ghetto people” all use indeed. i chuckled and said really. just curious, what do nonghetto, smart people use? apperantly they use monster. this is coming from a Manager who hires and fires Ghetto people hehehehe.  i am more racist than him but he sees the reality more than I do! I guess he is just that concerned about not being thought of as a racist. i dont have that anxiety hahahaha.  i just have plenty of other anxieties. about my competence to do basic jobs and to mate with wimmin hahaha.

shit i wish i never met her. when will i ever get along that well with another woman again? of that high quality?

i mean yeah i can live without women, i can live without being close to a woman………but i got a TASTE of it……and i really liked it, and now i want MOAR. very much like when i pseudodated those gurls 10 years ago. different because this was more important, it wasnt psuedo anything, it was real, it was long term, there was an actual rel between people, and it hurt moar. but similar in that it gave me a tiny taste of something real good that  i knew I wanted MORE of. i didn’t want to go my whole life without experiencing that.

well maybe it will take ANOTHER 10 years.

i guess when i am 45, the 30 year old wimmin will look pretty damn hot hahahahahahahahaha.

now by that time, the women will have CERTAINLY taken a ot of dix and be crazier and be more duplicitous hehehehe.

who cares. i took some nyquil as usual every 2 or 3 days. took the full dose this time. around 6 pm. nice and early. hahahaha. recreational use of nyquil to feel numb and sleepy hours before going to bed. but yeah it really does impact your thinking. cannot think clearly at all. very sluggish.

so yeah writing becomes evn more shitty. but i guess its easier to not think negative thoughts. unless you get there automatically, then you dont have the mental energy to fight them off hahahaha.

george feels says he did his college at a crappy diploma mill and got a degree in “computer science.” he makes it sound like it was just as boring and easy and useless as high school. just coast thru, never really learn anything useful. and right now he is struggling to teach himself the C language. WTF DID HE DO DURING THIS COLLEGE? why wouldnt he learn C or C++ in a “computer science” program? maybe they did java or python hehehehe.

but it sounded like the shittiest college, he would have been better off going to damn community college.  i mean shit i learned enough about C++ and “computer science” at community college, learned enough to know i could never do this for a career, cuz the amount of stuff you had to know and master is STAGGERING. just to get a part time job hahaha.

i prefer what st andrean had to say. just dont go to college unless you are a GOD DAMN GENIUS, AND you have very good social skills, AND you are getting internships and networking with people working in the field, AND you go to a GREAT uni. so only go to college if ALL those are true. THought that was a great point.

tons of autist nerds are good at math, science, computers, but terrible socially. you need to be GOOD socially to turn your college degree into a career. the better socially, the better for your career.

so you really need to be great at everything. be the computer nerd with the charismatic social skills of don trump. i would think this is the very rare computer nerd hahaha.

or a guy like bill clinton is a disgusting degen sleazebag, but hes got GREAT social skills.

also we virgins never get to see what trump is like when he is seducing women. but shit an alpha male, at that point they are seducing HIM!

oh for gods sakes, that st andrean in exile guy shut his channel down TODAY. he had some honestly good stuff. i think he shut his own self down, because he did nto have any racist stuff. the powers that be still allow sexist stuff but not racist stuff. and sexist stuff is getting pretty big. i guess  shillary could try to shut it down but i just dont see it. but the race nut is a MUCH harder nut to crack than the secs nut. all these woman hating mgtows who are too scared to become racists hahaha.

aug 12

ok. 10.13 am and i have cleared out my 13 or 14 new emails from overnight. all job related stuff. i gotta get rid of some of these alerts hahaha. right now i have such a “backlog” of APPLY jobs, I can really only afford to add jobs if I classify them as “APPLYYYYYY”, ie, they are obvious standouts.

WE DONT PAY YOU TO THINK!

well in 2016 you must think of bullshit to keep your angry customers pacified, because your company is so LEAN that they cut corners everywhere and give shitty product, shitty service, creating tons of unhappy customers. and you have to THINK FAST and BULLSHIT in order to RETAIN those unhappy customers.

make promises and excuses when you dont even know what youre talking about. well have it for you as soon as possible. the price PROBABLY wont go up. oh it did? oops you got unlucky. it is what it is, you dont have to be happy about it, better luck next time!

i dunno. i just think the best “company culture” is when they are SERIOUS about giving good service to their CUSTOMERS, AND they are SERIOUS about treating their lowest employees well. namely giving them good training and helping them serve the customers well. not just bullshitting, and excuses, and runarounds, and avoiding, and passing the buck, and kciking the can, and saying we dont do that, or we have no record of that, or no, call them back, they are wrong, we really DONT do this, or we dont do that, talk to your manager, i did, he said call you, then call your managers manager.

where managers are there ONLY to make things “LEANER” and they dont know SHIT about how to actually do the work of the department. and they have been brought in from outside. ALWAYS PROMOTE FROM WITHIN. how hard is this to understand.

these anti-management attitudes of mine make me a borderline socialist, that and i am generally against Wanton Greed, and I am also against Wanton GROWTH where the growth is unsustainable. but you have to keep up with inflation goy.

1% growth isnt good enough when inflation is 3%! is that the idea??!?!?!?!

drinking weak coffee and my stomach is churning and gurgling extremely loudly and frequently.

went to store and picked up new refill of citalopram and some groceries.

i honestly dont know how ALL people are not RED PILL. just going to the superstore is BLACK PILLING. maybe its just too much. i mean you dont want to BLACK pill people. then they dont even care about red pill blue pill anymore, and become one of those fat mouth breathing zombies you see at the supermarket.

did see some qt 16 year old girls there with their Moms tho hahahahahaha.

shit i am probably old enough to be their FATHER hahahaha.

all these fookin jobs are for Seniors and Leads and Managers……………….

WHY ARENT YOU HIRING FROM WITHIN?

well PROBABLY they WILL end up hiring from within, which is good, they just HAVE to post the job externally.

ok fine…….BUT WHERE ARE THE POSTINGS FOR LEVEL 1 PEOPLE????!?!?!?!?!?

the postings for level 2 and above seem to outnumber the postings for level 1 by like 2 or 3 to 1…….AT LEAST.

too many chiefs, not enough indians!

now level2 and level3 aren’t “managers” per se. they are more subject matter experts, ie, people who ACTUALLY know what they’re doing. the people you really wish you could talk to , but you cant, because they only work on escalated cases, and advising stupid level 1s.

MOST level 2’s i worked with were good as hell, they deserved their status. about 30% didn’t.

but even the good ones weren’t necessarily Good to the level 1s who wanted their help.

thankful to be able to go out at 1pm for powerwalk in peak of days sun hahaha.

partly cloudy unfort but should still get some sun.  i guess it can break through the clouds somewhere. wheres a level 2. an SME hahaha.

i cant believe MORE average people dont go MAD from the ridiculous demands of Work. i mean these deamnds do not seem fulfillable by the average person! these unreasonable demands! so I guess i am a bit jelly of all these normies who go to work and don’t go crazy. they just turn into fat stupid assholes. black pill hahahaha.

heh. these employers HIDE BEHIND their PORTALS. I am trying to apply to hospital job and it errors out when i try to upload res. over and over. so now I just have to WAIT until they fix it. theyre probably not even AWARE of it. and theres no way to report it.  but it was just working an hour ago, because i applied to a job at that time.

its a god damn ridiculous oracle people soft type system that is stupid as fook. always signing out, buttons and links dont work, its fooked. i really dont want to clear cookies and all that. i guess its not a big deal because i just have it reopen all tabs automiatically.

so yeah i am pretty much planning to go to this labor day thing with old college friends. should be pretty fun. i mean most of them are all successful and shit but who cares, they are nice people and thats all that matters.

also one of the guys is not a super duper YUGE winner like the others hahaha. and he is still a super duper great guy.

is it considered a good bullshit detector if you think everything is bullshit? you are so sensitive to bullshit you think EVERYTHING is bullshit? even stuff that isnt bullshit?

yeah well most stuff IS bullshit, so can you blame me for thinking EVERYTHINGS bullshit?

so i got impatient, clicked on use previous resume, then accidentally forgot to click on i am over 18, and then it Disqualified me, now I cant apply for the job AT ALL. I try to do it again and says sorry you cant. FOOOOOCCKKKK. it gives you a phone number to call. i am not gonna call it unless i am blocked from applying to OTHER jobs.  SOOOOO stupid.

OHHH rejected for MAIL CLERK job at other hspital ive sent 40 applications to. wouldnt be the first time ive been rejected for mail clerk hahahaha. sorry, FILE clerk. hmm only took 2 days for them to reject me. 2 days since i applied.

NO i dont spell shit wrong in my Packet!!!! like i do here. there, everything is perfect.

all these companies send rejection letters on friday from 430 to 5 pm hahahaha. i wonder why this is hahahahaha.

also, just because HR for the big company sends you a rej letter for one job, doesnt mean they’ll send you one for all jobs at that company.

i obviously need to take my Main Standards of:

25 years old

n<4

7/10

and Walk Them Back a bit. but how much? I would say just a tiny bit at a time, until someone reaches the New, Lower Standard hahahaha. so lets make the new standard n<5. that will make the pool a little larger hahaha.

its not like i have 100 applications to pick from hahahaha. i have 0 applications to pick from.

oh noes, katie ledecky is at least 25% JOOISH. so if i had children with her, they would be 12.5% jooish. is that too much? kind of. I would prefer my children be less than 6.25% nonwhite.

i looked her up because i kind of liked her weird horseface and maybe she even sort of reminded me of That Woman in having a weird face that doesnt seem like it should be qt. WELL, wait until she is 30 or 40! wont be so qt any more!

fathers side is from czech. mother is half j00ish. yikes. and she herself is a “roman catholic”. YIKES.

does michael phelps wife let him fook rando gurls when hes at the olympics?

is he even married? i thought he was and he def has a keed. i hope they dont have an open marriage.

like he didnt get enough action BEFORE he was married!

customer service. jeez. i just cant do it ALL DAY LONG. maybe put me on phones for 1 hour….but then have me switch on and off, on and off. customers 1 hour, no customers next hour, then back on, then back off etc. but all customers for 8 hours is just holy shit. its like private pyle trying to survive the military. the military would be EASIER. how do people do this and not K themselves moar?

i MIGHT be able to WITHSTAND if i had a good waifu to build me up at the end of the long day…..but good waifus dont like guys who cant handle tuff situations all day. they dont like such WEAK men.

well remember, george feels worked at best buy geek squad for like 2 months MAX because he was too anxious about the customers and not feeling like he was trained to handle it. cuz the training was minimal, classic swim or sink thrown to the wolves shit. george freaked out and quit, and then got his awesome job at the liberry where he continues to work today.

he says that now he might try to tough it out at best buy a little longer to force himself to get better with people.

its all in this one, good summary of george telling his life story.

i think its something we shuld all do, to try to get perspective. you can see the link on the right side where i started doing Muh Life Story and then put it on this blog. cant remember the lessons i learned. oh yeah. much like george, i reaped what i sowed, and i failed to nip shit in the bud when i was young. i just ignored them and did stupid shit and assumed that everything would turn out all right as long as i got a college degree. NOPE.

yeah realy i wish there were like 2 classes in high school preparing you how to deal with customers ALL DAY. how to deal with their stupid bullshit. them bitching about CONFUSING stuff and how you could work under pressure and answer to the most ridiculous bullshit. certainly high school COULD prepare you for that….but it didnt. like put you in simulations where you could have a Safe Word to get out if you got too flustered. and just practice practice practice. like practicing a SPORT. you PRACTICE 10 times more than you actually have official matches. you practice so you’ll be ready for the match/game/competition/tournament. i wish i had done that in order to prepare for customers on the job.

heh. i would prob quit geek squad too georgie boy! i cant blame you! anyway he eventually got some more customer service experience when he switched jobs at the liberry.

WAS IT REALLY WORTH IT?

I had some SOLID, BIGBOY, REAL WORLD, REAL MAN Customer Service Experience, a full YEARS worth, in a CALL CENTER, taking CALLS all day on the WEIRDEST shit that I had NO IDEA how to do.

was it WORTH IT?

maybe…..but at this point it doesnt really feel like it. and i feel like I could never do it again. just the thought strikes fear deep into my heart so I am AVOIDING all jobs that seem like they would have TOO MUCH (>50%) cust serv.

WOMEN YOUNGER than me have opened up their own Clinical/Counseling practices. like this 25 year old broad i see making a duckface on linkedin. LCSW, LLC, LLP. but who i really want to help are single white men with despair and anxiety, and white neets and such. thing is, these people are not likely to seek help.  alot of people only go to counseling because they are FORCED by court or probation. i guarantee some of those men are white!

but yeah honestly i did some GREAT, STRONG work, and TOUGHED IT OUT in some real TOUGH MAN shit, when i thought I would BREAK under the pressure. but NO, I STAYED THE COURSE. Weathered the storm.

So i have PROVED I can handle tough situations and tough customers. however, add a shitty situation with a woman and THAT is my breaking point.

i mean it WAS a realy unique situation i dont EVER see happening again. both the fact that she did not respond AT ALL, PLUS the fact that we worked in the same office.

it wasnt the CUSTOMERS that pushed me over the edge, it was HER, or really, my inability to DEAL with her.

i guess THEORETICALLY i could get another job and fall in luv with another coworker. i just hope i deal with it better! and i think i really cant not deal with it better! i would just send an email or text saying WE NEED TO TALK NAO. I HAVE FEELINGS FOR U.

then she will freak out, say were done, and i will put in a 2 weeks notice hahahahaha.

no i will try to move my shift, or move to where i cannot see her.

if i am running out of Meds, I will go to an Urgent Care to see if they can write me an emergency refill.

again i really dont think the running out of meds was what caused me to go over the edge. it was i just couldnt handle that ridiculous situation.

 

ITS LESS PAINFUL TO HATE WOMEN THAN TO STILL WANT THAT WOMAN

aug 1

shit i was so triggered by that stupid xkcd friends comic that i lost sleep thinking i was that guy with her, and thats why she hates me, and i am a horrible person who did a horrible thing. a dishonest liar coward.

and if im defending myself, then its probably because i see myself in the character no?

well lemme state that i agree that nice guys tm as they are presented are shitty and horrible and anybody who REALLY does this should feel ashamed. but i just dont thing these things happen this way!

these nice guy haters NEVER address the questions of: how can you hide your feelings so well for so long?

even though it IS the responsibility of the person with feeligns to express those feelings, why cant the woman say, something feels WEIRD here, it feels like you are starting to get feelings for me. why doesnt that ever happen?

because usually EVERYONE CAN TELL the guy is in luv with the gurl. his friends know, everyone knows, why doesnt the WOMAN have even the LEAST suspicion?

does the guy deny to himself and to everyone that he has feelings for her?

whats wrong about a friendship that grows into something deeper? what if youre still getting over someone else? what if you dont like fooking people right away?

why does the woman have to date SO MANY GUYS and Fook them? why is she such a damn slut with a revolving door of badbois? She has SOME responsibility for PICKING these “jerks.”

i wanted a damn attorney to argue my case that I was NOT a NICEGUYtm.

  1. i wasnt trying to HIDE shit. I was TRYING to talk about it and get it out in the open.
  2. i wasnt “settling” for friendship as a “consolation prize.”
  3. my feelings CHANGED in the MIDDLE of the friendship.
  4. i wanted her to STAY with her “jerk” original BF. I didnt think he was a jerk per se and I encouraged her to make an EFFORT with him.
  5. i CHANGED entirely once I began liking her and she totally noticed the difference in my behavior and thought it was weird.
  6.  i DID respect her.
  7.  i DID value the friendship. but i was willing to sacrifice it all for the TRUTH to come out.

anyway i AGREE with the author that being That Guy is WRONG, but i dont think theres so many nerdy men out there doing this.

when you get FEELINGS for someone, its an IMPORTANT thing, its not like some woman fooking 9000 badboys. you have REAL feelings, and you get nervous, and confused, and scared, and mentally and emotionally compromised. you dont make the best decisions about how to handle things.

like getting nervous at a job interview like i have tomorrow and thursday hahaha. you dont say things super confidently like trumpenfuhrer.

heh. the author of xkcd is younger than me. not that i am YOUNG! but i used to be young. in skool, i was used to being the youngest one in my class.

also, he was a successful nerd who went on to have a GREAT career, and have GFs, and write a comic that thousands of people liked and allowed him to quit his GREAT NASA scientist job. why would you quit that?

so yeah i hate thinking i was LIKE THAT.  I KNOW being like that is WRONG. I never WANT to be like that. but I did act so well either. I SCARED ok? its not EASY to blurt out to somebody that you luv them! so i tried to figure out other ways of doing it! and that wasted a lot of time.

but she could have hung out with me once, like the xkcd gurl HUNG OUT with the cueball guy. she wasnt avoiding him like the plague because she thought he liked her hahaha.

also he stops being a bad niceguy the second she consents to a relationship with him! nobody ever points this out!

oh but he was manipulating her in a moment of weakness and loneliness.

well shit, arent our whole LIVES moments of weakness and loneliness????

i was lonely but that doesnt mean i settled for her out of loneliness!

and why didnt she just dump him like 2 days after they fooked and said yeah i was drunk, we shouldnt do this?

the woman gets into a new relationship every month, the man hasnt been in a rel in 10 years. of COURSE he’s gonna be rusty and AWKWARD and nervous and be the antithesis of SMOOTH!

dont accuse someone of lying and scheming and deceiving when really they are just awkward and scared to say “i like u”. cant you tell from the way they act around you that they like you? them texting you all the time with smileys and hearts and them wanting to hang out and buy you dinner and walk in the park and all that?

don’t these niceguys do that?

how are these niceguys hiding their feelings? or are the women just that bad at reading obvious signals? i don’t doubt that either.  like we said before, women are notoriously bad at relationships and communication. just godawful at these things. if relships were a meritocracy for women, the species would go extinct. because they are all incompetent at the WORK and ACTION that needs to be done to build and maintain relationships. you do all the work for them cuz you cant make babies without them. but they dont know that hahaha. they dont know ANYTHING hahaha.

i wasnt perfect, i made some mistakes, but i was NOT a niceguytm like that comic portrays!

it hits close to home because i have stuff in common with niceguytms and worry that i might be confused for one. well im not, and i will be the first to tell you i hate women and i am not a nice guy hahahaha. just a hateful woman hater. i dont LIKE it, but they just give me SO MUCH to HATE hahahahaha. stop being so god damn hatable! Be Better! Do Better!

and i especially hate thinking that SHE thought I was like that! but i dont know for sure if she thought that.

had 2 more recruiters call me today. i think its MONSTER. every time you upload a new resume, it automatically gets set to public. i uploaded one a few days ago. i guess i forgot about that.

i mean i wouldnt want to be a recruiter either. calling 40 people a day. how can you even juggle that many people? i just cant juggle that many people. but i guess you’re SUPPOSED to if you want a job. and you have to have a job. no wonder women can JUGGLE SO MANY men. you just have SUPER shallow “relships” with them all.

SUPER shallow. quantity not quality. r not K.

yes i care what people think about me. not all people, but the people i care about. i care if they have the completely wrong idea about me and think i am a horrible person when im really just a coward who desperately wants to not be a horrible person!

im trying so hard not to be a horrible person, its just SO HARD hahahahahahahahaha.

hooray 100 jobs in 1 month. well, 1 month and 1 day.

i just get ANGRY looking at these jobs and thinking should i apply, could i handle this, how stupid is this, and then think of HER making good money, moving forward, staying TOUGH, and i am way smarter than her, and I have THREE times the college she does hahahaha, and EIGHT years older than her, yet she is doing SO much better at life than me, and i am having SUCH a hard time doing the BARE MINIMUM.

welp see the dr next week, will ax them to bump me up from 40 mg citalopram to im guessing 60. i dunno. that would be my guess. not like anybody knows what they are doing anyway. so give me a huge xanax prescription, a huge painkiller prescription, also a MJ prescription, etc.  thats what i think you should do doc.

but maybe there will be a cute 22 year old medical skool gurl there hahahaha. and ill be like did you i graduated from BLA BLA and she will say oooo i wish i could have gone there and Ill say yep its a great school innit, well i still became a huge failure and i wish i could be as successful and normie as you, a 22 year old med student hahahaha. i mean you got accepted to med skool, thats a big deal. i had already crashed and burned by that age. i peaked in high school hahahaha. looks like youre peaking in med skool. good for you. want to go for coffee in an elevator hahahahaha and talk about how science is awesome and how women should be polyandrous hahahaha and may I Prep Milady’s Bull pl0x?

so applying to jobs and thinking of her sneering down on me….she’s NOT REALLY DOING THAT. but she prob IS more successful than me and just moved WAY ahead of me in the Game of Life. but she doesnt care enough to sneer at ME. i wish she did hahahaha

but yeah point is, i shouldnt even think of HER while doing jobsearch, but i DO, possibly because i am a masochist.

ok applied to 5 jobs today AND printed out my interview stuff for tomorrow. prob wont apply to anything tomorrow, or maybe 1.  and then have the awkward social situation tomorrow night with the drunk team member. he didnt show up last week so we dodged a bullet. he never NOT shows up, so that was a first. so he is bound to come back soon. and we will have to deal with the situation.

i hate EXPLAINING things to people because most of the time I dont understand whats going on. it is SO HARD for me to UNDERSTAND new stuff QUICKLY. i can use flashcards to memorize it quickly but it still doesnt make any SENSE.  and thats where the bullshitting comes in.

so i dont even grade the postings any more, i just say APPLY, APPLLYYYYYYY for the really good ones, or maybe for the meh ones. thats all there is, because thats all that matters.

i really should LIFT, or i really should do some kind of sprinting or high intensity thing with my powerwalks. that was the one good thing about the Fatclub, well besides staring at indecently dressed sluts, that I got pretty good at Jogging. now i dont jog any more.

EXPLANATIONS ARE FOR THE WEAK.

saying just tell me what to do and i’ll do it pleasssseeeee is for the WEAK.

ONLY THE STRONG SURVIVE.

WEED OUT THE WEAK.

MIGHT MAKES RIGHT.

now excuse me while I listen to James Read War Metal hahahahaha

i mean i do basically agree with all that. being weak hasn’t gotten me anywhere in life.

i basically hate all NORMIES like HER who arent in the middle of this grueling, humiliating, terrifying job search process. where every day you feel like a worthless, incompetent, subhuman, subminimum piece of shit retard loser neet. ohhhh and shesss such a bigggg winnnneerrrrrr.

no, she doesnt even CARE. she FORGOT about me long ago, has new friends now.

and i dont. i am not super close with my weekly event friends but im not sure i really WANT to be. i mean we dont have too much in common. they are nice people and we get along but i dont feel a super close connection with them.

maybe i should look on the social anxiety forum for how they deal with angry customers demanding explanations for things you dont understand, but you cant transfer them, so you have be cool under pressure and bullshit your way out of it. cuz really the ANXIETY is what kills you in these situation. not the despair. but the anxiety is the big problem there at that time.

there is another stupid xkcd comic called “rejection” which shames guys who get mad when they get rejected. because you’re supposed to be HAPPY about being REJECTED. good god. how does this guy live with himself. because he’s got a good job and makes a lot of money and somehow is better with the ladeez than me. i dunno. maybe he has an open relationship or cucking fetish. would explain a lot. i mean what kind of MAN is a FEMINIST. thats what he comes off as. a feminist male. and i guess the feminists give him enough action to keep him a servile feminist.

did nice 5 mile powerwalk

that feel when you feel like you just cant DO shit, you cant DO a job. your customers call you asking you to do something for them, and you dont know how to do it, and you look like an incompetent idiot who is not qualified for your job.

like for example this job interview tomorrow. i dont know shit about security systems. cameras and alarms. but that shit is gonna be in my purview. people could get away with crimes if i dont know what im doing. say i see somebody getting K’d on a surveillance camera. or rather, the camera went out, i neglected to fix it because i didn’t know how, and during that time, someone got K’d in view of that broken camera, where if i had fixed it, there would be a good chance of Identifying the Suspect or something.

but OOPS i fooked up and this guy gets off scott free and a poor white gurl is dead.

not that this is a high crime area. but there is the occasional groping or assault or theft by a nonwhite.

also the job starts at 40k. are you kidding me? i am only asking for 26k hahahaha. but i wont tell them that.

well i found their knowlege base, it only has like 15 articles in it hahaha.

well i mean shit if they want to hire me, they’ll hire me, in fact the odds are against me. MAYBE they want me for the midnight shift. i mean shit that is when all the people do crime, at like 3 or 4 in the morning.

i just wanted to BE HEARD. if youre gonna punish me, give me a chance to explain myself before the court.

that xkcd friends comic needs like a sequel or an update or a few more chapters to fill out the story.

and who exactly is cueball and who exactly is this woman in the larger universe of the comic? i mean maybe this cueball guy really truly is a little bitch. its hard to tell ANYTHING from this one comic.

notice cueball is not showing a lot of internal conflict. this does reflect poorly on him. when my feelings started, i had HELLA internal conflict, because i wanted to tell her. i wanted to show her. i tried showing her because i was too scared to blurt out “i like u nao” and the tension and conflict rose and rose until it exploded. none of this happens in the cueball situation. in fact, she is hanging out with him, sitting on the couch next to him, drinking. COME ON.

and hows he supposed to know she did that because of a moment of weakness? ESPECIALLY if she continues dating him? that just doesnt happen. she would in reality just dump him soon after saying, yeah dont get too used to that because i was just drunk and it didnt mean anything.

BELIEVE ME, if she didnt REALLY WANT to be in a rel with him, she would LEAVE HIS ASS in the blink of an eye. she wouldnt STAY WITH HIM while she figured it out. dump first, figure it out / rationalize it later.

so yeah i dont like how the comic portrays the woman as a blameless victim. yeah, cueball is a little bitch, but the woman is an immature IDIOT too who bears SOME responsibility. dont turn her into some innocent martyr. shes a fookin MORON who is too immature to have ANY relationship but she just falls into them because women are the supply, men are the demand.

this is what i write about instead of thinking about muh job interview tomorrow. yeah i am a little worried about that too hahaha.

i have had happy times which didnt involve her. so i must remember those times. chief among them was this nice time in spring/summer 2014 where i met up with an old college friend and we did a bit of a “road trip” to go to a wedding. it was a lot of fun. good people and good times. and That Woman had nothing to do with it. although at that time, i was thinking “we get along so well, maybe I should think more seriously about trying to date her. she is such a nice gurl and we get along so well. but she is breaking up with her BF nao and that has got to be tough. i mean that will take a few months to get over. I dont want to swoop in like some stalker waiting to pounce.” and THE she starts dating some new sleazebag and then I got REALLY interested. what was she doing jumping into this? why pick a sleazebag? why avoid me like the plague? why wasnt I cool any more?

like i say, it hurts to be once held in high regard, then get Demoted. Downgraded.

i wonder if that little adventure helped me make up my mind regarding the female friend. maybe a little bit. i was starting the journey but it would take a few more months to go all the way.

aug 2

sheeeeit interview TODAY. 2 pm. 12 pm right now. i have taken shower, shave, eat breakfast, gone to bathroom, even pre tied the tie i am going to wear because it can be a little tricky. it takes me a full 1 hour and 40 minutes to Get Ready for a Big Day like this. that includes getting out of bed, shower, shave, bathroom, coffee, breakfast, teeth brushing and flossing, and putting on suit with tie.

do not feel great about this, why are they even calling me in for this 40k job that covers a lot of stuff. i cant handle this, i cant hande anything hahahaha. way to pump yourself up before a big interview haha.

HORRY SHEET. well i had the interview. me and the Director. nobody else. no 5 person panel. me and him in a room for One Hour. I was very nervous going in. VERY nervous.

He was really nice, nicer than I expected, no super hard questions. The interview actually went a little BETTER than average. the job starts in the HIGH 40s. He said there were 4 people interviewing. DAMN. I felt pretty good about the interview and the job sounds really good actually. with absolutely ridiculous pay, benefits, health care, days off, ridiculous 401k matching. it sounds too good to be true really. whats the catch.

so i felt some confidence and felt good, getting this would be a LIFE CHANGER. i mean i should become a BORN AGAIN GOD worshiper if I can get this. total LIFE CHANGER. transform me from a total loser to a pretty damn big WINNER OVERNIGHT.

he was nice to me and I was nice to him. I expected a hardass grilling me with super tough questions. specially from seeing his picture on the website. but he was nice.

and then i thought “dont get a big head about this, what if i dont get it,” and THEN I thought

NO. NO. GO AHEAD AND YES, DO GET A BIG HEAD ABOUT IT. ENJOY that feeling of confidence and big headedness. THIS is what NORMIES feel every day, THIS is what is attractive to women, THIS is what makes winners and strong husbandos and fathers, THIS is what I’ve been missing, and THIS bigheaded overconfident feeling is what I NEED in my life.

its better to be overconfident than underconfident. period. who cares if its hubris. ENJOY IT. because how often do you feel GOOD and CONFIDENT? FOOKING NEVER. ENJOY IT. DRINK IN THE BIG HEADEDNESS.

this is what normies and and WHAT MAKES THEM NORMIE. It is GOOD to feel this.

so what if i get rejected. I would have gotten rejected ANYWAY. better to at least feel GOOD for a LITTLE bit.

because what seems like HUbris and Cockiness and the Sin of Pridefulness to me, is actually just NORMAL CONFIDENCE.

because I am SO UNUSED to feeling this.

THIS is what is attractive to EVERYBODY: employers, friends, women, EVERYBODY.

so if i get this job it means I can contact HER and be like HAY BABY.

NOOOOO. well it does mean I will beat her at the game of life, which is good. but it means i will be able to find a BETTER woman, who wont leave me in the fookin lurch, and who is willing to Go To Bat for me.

i mean everything. he starts talking about the pay and benefits early in the discussion, oh you get 12 sick days a year, but we dont like to take more than 10, everyone here is nice and helps each other out, yeah we can be flexible with hours, doesnt have to be 8 to 5, could be 7 to 4 because i know how traffic gets around here (pretty bad), we have one guy who wanted to do 4 10’s, so he only works 4 days a week. i was just thinking why are you even telling me this. and he didnt seem like he was SELLING anything, like sleazy managers who tell you anything to get you in the call center seat. he started as an officer

good god just got a call about another job, now have interview on monday with mortgage dept of bank. wow. not too excited about that hahahaha. well at least they didnt want me to come in TODAY or TOMORROW.

anyway the……college security computer tech job had the interview today is definite hella better. i mean these arent sleazebags nor do they seem like dirty cops hahahaha. he’s like yeah we get pretty good funding because the college is serious about security. ive been here 10 years, there are 2 other guys on this tech team, one has been there 3 years, got a new guy last year, they dont seem chomping at the bit to GET OUT OF THIS HELLHOLE hahahaha. ie they dont hate their jobs and lives.

so like i say, i got a good vibe off the supervisor at the security job. he rattled off all these benefits matter of factly. he even hinted that there might be DOWNTIME. and people arent working 60 hours a week every week, running ragged to meet impossible production quotas and crushing people to get there. which would prob happen at this damn bank hahaha.

well at least its not this Hip Mortgage Broker (Lender?) that hires Classes of 30+ people every few months, then they quit or get fired in a revolving door. but they paint themselves as so damn HIP and FUN and COOL that it comes across as very disingenuous and i have stopped applying there hahahahaha.

yeah i mean i care about the culture, in that i want the culture to enable you to do your work, meaning you can get help if you need it, and not look like a fool getting thrown in the deep end who cant do shit for your clients. a company that sets up you for success not failure.

but of course a company that sets you up for failure will tell you that they set you up for success, that they care about work life balance, that they have a starbucks and a gym in the building, you get free coffee and soda and fruit. oh wow. how about you just give me work that i can actually handle. just be fooking straight and honest with me. don’t make me lie and bullshit to poeple, and dont tell me bullshit either.

so yeah the coppers today seemed honest and no bullshit. good cops hahahaha. i mean i like cops. unlike that woman, who hates cops and luvs ingras hahahaha.

fookin 49k a year, are you KIDDING ME? ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

i almost dont deserve this hahahaha.

i thought you had to have a MASTERS degree to make 49k a year.

I would be happy with 29k a year hahahaha. i didnt tell him that though.

well this is not a union position. no contracts. meaning they probably could shift the pay. go to a lower salary band. but the college throws buckets of money at their public safety department! they are flush with cash in a way that no damn companies are! its kind of insane.

now normally to get a police job you have to do police academy, pass tests, and then start off in a fooking shithole ingra jungle like compton or bronx or something. you dont start out in a CUSHY place like this. you gotta pay your DUES first. i havent been paying dues! i have YET TO PAY MUH DUES!

basically this job would be too good to be true. not a lot of bullshit, GREAT pay, fooking raises every damn year, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? most people havent gotten a raise in like 5 years!

AND making enough money to Win a true honest to GOD 1488 Tradwife!!!!!!!!

Which is much harder to do at 28k a year. which i would have gladly taken hehehehe.

he didnt even ask why i left my previous job! though im not even sure he knew i HAD left it.

so yeah not every job i interview for do i say, ya know, I would really LIKE to get that job. but this one, definitely.

im noticing it takes at LEAST a month after apply for the job for them to get back to you about an interview. with some exceptions where they call you pretty quick. but if they dont call you in a week….they’ll call you in a MONTH.

anyway. its also important to remember…..say i were to get this job and my life would do a total 180 overnight. huge loser to huge winner. rags to riches. omega to alpha. foreveralone to loving tradwaifu. its important to remember that NOTHING has changed about ME. I’m the same person as I was before the interview, as I was for the hour I was doing the interview, on the basis of that hour they will decide to give me a 49k job and wave the magic wand and transform my life.  and i will still be the same person, same essence.  the same foreveralone virginal neet who managed to fake competence for an hour, in the right place at the right time, to convince the nice man to hire me.

really i mean this in the good way, like, i always had It In Me, when I tend to think I DONT have it in me. the confident man says YES I DO have “it” in me. I can handle this. I deserve good things. I can do a good job. I am WORTH 49k a year hehhehehehe. Seriously!!!!

I mean Im DEFINITELY worth 30k a year…..but 49k? I just can’t see it.

well at least I got an interview for a 13k a year job on thursday hahahaha. I am definitely worth 13k hahahaha.

49k PLUS health care (well Im sure that cuts into your 49k) PLUS paid time off PLUS vacation days PLUS 401k where they straight up contribute and you dont even have to! and weekends off! straight Mon thru Fri! and no midnights! no Split Shifts! No 60-80 hour weeks! there might be holidays but it sounds like there is rotations.

32k national AVERAGE for the mortgage job interviewing on monday. i would expect more towards the low end of 27k.  the job description is really confusing and talks about vendors and pipelines and distributed and waaaat.

i hate reading job descriptions, you dont even know what they’re SAYING, its like speaking a different LANGUAGE. and then you meet the people, and in a good situation like today, you see they are normal, nice, decent, honest people who aren’t trying to baffle you with BS. cuz these job descriptions are total bs.

property preservation. like a drug house in the ghetto where they need to scrub the blood off and the meth lab explosions and black mold and termites and toxic waste so the bank can sell it to fookin tarek and christina.  well wouldnt THEY do most of the rehab work? i mean alot of their shit was just shitty that they buy. i dunno! thats why they dont train you! i dunno! its just my job! who knows if im doing it right! yeah sure im doing it right! these are best practices HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

WORSE THAN BEING ABORTED: STILL ALIVE TO SUFFER

july 7

had interview today, 5 people grilling me, 1 hour and 20 minute interview, 40k job tho damn.

then went on linked in and switched my settings to anonymous mode so i could look at people from my old job. started feeling bad. like damn they can handle taking confusing angry phone calls all day, how come i cant? they found new jobs, the are able to think fast and act quick. oh 3 people from my company went over to this other company. I WONDER if thats where SHE went too. oh i wonder if shes fooking one of those guys then. or maybe she already fooked him and now they hate each other but still work together.

how come just the thought of answering those calls and dealing with those weird problems strikes fear into my heart? i wish i could be AS GOOD as her in the stupid competition of life. compete with her on HER terms and PROVE that I am at LEAST as good as her, can do the same kind of ridiculous work, make the same decent money.

and now she goes on and makes new friends and knows the people we worked with, longer than I knew her….which was a pretty long time. and I am stuck in the past. and she has moved past me, and I am just a faded memory in her past, that she has mostly forgotten.

next on the listening:

diocletian: gesundrian

proclamation: nether tombs of abbadon (terrible reviews, as their well of ideas has run dry and they are just going thru the blasphemous motions. but I sorta think the production sounds best on this one. and I figure each album will sound exactly the same, so production is VERY important here.)

i should be talking about this interview hehehe.

i figure, they interview 5 people, that means you START OFF at a 20% chance of getting the job. then depending on how you do, you go up or down. probably not more than 10% either way.

anyway it was me, and 5 managers, in a room for 1 hour and 20 minutes. 5 people making 25 bucks an hour to spend 90 minutes of Paid Time with ME hahahahaha.

ok did 5 mile walk, listened to those things. i just dont have great headphones. i have 10 dollar headphones when i should invest in some good 50 dollar headphones, but i just cant right now till i establish an income stream other than 2 dollars a week on mturk hahaha. i could only stand about 10 to 14 minutes of the proclamation. but its nice to come back to that noise for 14 minutes a day or so.

the diocletian sounded sorta like angel corpse but with some slow parts. great sound, again hurt by my headphones. great drum and guitar sound, great fast blasts, no triggers like some f4ggy death metal band hahaha.

i just hate sounding incompetent with a caller who wants me to fix a problem, because I AM incompetent, and i DONT know what I’m doing. and i hate that SHE was better at that in the long run than me.

and if you can stay good at that in the long run, you can actually advance in the stupid tech support field. become a tier 2, then a tier 3, then a manager, get jobs at increasingly better companies. you just gotta tough it out. and I couldn’t do it, and she COULD. AND she doesn’t CARE about ME, when I KNOW she once did. she was tough enough to do the job, and to KEEP doing the job a year later, but she wasnt courageous enough to SHOW CARE about ME. fooooooook.

i mean other women have been tougher and more competent than me. better at their jobs. doing tough jobs. cool under pressure. going gets tough, tough get going. other women have Bested me at that competition, but I didn’t care nearly AS much because they showed a lot more courtesy to me when they dumped me. they said sorry that I have to do this. and then went on to become hugely successful in their careers. just like THAT PERSON is going to be. I came CLOSE to looking her up on linkedin today. I thought she might work at this company several people from our company went to.

theres a difference between “taking the black pill” ie looking a unpleasant things, because you might learn a valuable lesson…….vs TORTURING yourself by COMPARING yourself to others unfavorably on linkedin. looking at all those fookin WINNERS on linkedin. or f4gbook or that matter. oh im so successful at muh career. i am not on the verge of a nervous breakdown and im getting MARRIED to a person I LUV and want to make babies with. we just had a baby. were having our second baby. chad just got promoted to Team Lead this year, which meant more money for our growing family. Stacy finished her masters degree in Talent Acquisition which resulted in a big pay raise for her too.

that fooking bullshit successful middle class normie STRIVERS talk about in their christmas card letters!!!!

so yeah. SOME blackpilling is ok, but I don’t think this comparing yourself is really helpful, nor is it legit blackpilling. its more digging yourself into a rut and putting yourself into a bad mood. better to just STOP, and just apply for another job, or go for a 5 mile walk and listen to EVIL raw black metal like blasphemy or proclamation hahahaha.

black lives matter hehehe how about MY life matters. I wanted MY life to matter to HER. not even in a tradwife luv sort of way, but just in GENERAL.  even before i fell in luv her life matter to me, and my life mattered to her. i just wished my life could have mattered to her at the END. rather than being murdered like an aborted child hahahaha.

now i know what that aborted child feels like with the silent scream, as it screams pleeeease mommy dont murder me, and then they get murdered anyway. and then you get to stay alive enough to be able to see that, and think about it for years hahahaha. and you wonder how could your own mother murder you hehehe.

so in a while its WORSE than being aborted! because you are still ALIVE TO SUFFER!!

at least the aborted baby has the privilege of not being able to suffer any more. they are put out of their misery!

july 8

foreveralone feels, an actual 30 year old wizard virgin with a youtube channel whoooooaaaaa

i mean he LOOKS like one! but he also doesnt look TOO bad, or irredemable. its sad.

instantly subscribed.

The “why are women fooked” question is actually really easy: because they don’t have to be good to pass on their genes. They just have to take a dick and keep the baby alive. The men have to slave, fight and die over who gets to keep them.

great quote from great trs thread on how bad women are hahaha

but yeah i might as well be a 30 year old virgin. i had secs 2 times with a gurl when i was 21………AND THEN NEVER EVER AGAIN hahahaha and now I am 30+.

its a really unique situation. there’s no manual for this. the wizards dont understand, the normie chads sure dont understand. i guess people can still advise you: be a stronger, better, man with purpose. then you can keep a woman from dumping you. easier said than done tho hahaha.

huge anti police shooting in dallas, its HAPPENING, 4-5 officers dead, wow, i mean i can honestly say stuff was NOT liek this when I was young. shit is objectively getting BAD.

i meditated on my desire to bang gurls up the ass and I figured it had to do with a desire to PUNISH them and cause them some pain. for not wanting anything to do with me, and also for Playing Around with the LIfe Creation Process so casually.

I was always kinda afraid of the Vag and Secs because I always understood THATS HOW BABIES ARE MADE. this is NOT a casual, fun process. if you want to have PURELY recreational secs, then do it up the ass like mexican sluts or f4gs. that’s the fookhole for people who REALLY dont want to have babies. and i dont want to have babies. babies are a BIG DEAL and Im not ready for that. so i dont want to treat the pvssy like some kind of casual funland.

and women are stupid and inferior for treating their OWN pvssies like that. theyre the ones who GET pregnant!!!! how can they NOT know this and need a man to mansplain it to them? because thats how women ARE. and I was like holy shit that sucks SO MUCH. How can I POSSIBLY respect or even LIKE women. they are DISGUSTING.

so hence the desire to bang them in the ass. to somewhat punish them, and also to show that I wanted to remove ALL chance of conception. well why not just use birth control.

because i’ve ALWAYS believe that BC is flawed. that its putting up an unnatural roadblock to something natural. and you just dont need to do that with the ass. because the ass is not MADE FOR REPRODUCTION. its made for expelling shit.

so yeah still its degenerate to want to put muh dick in an EXIT hole! I fully own and admit that. own muh degeneracy.

well its not like Im going out banging sluts in the ass, or watching porno of it! although I used to. but i havent looked at porno in….242 days.

the shit with the woman WENT DOWN 360 days ago. almost a year.

sent her the last email 326 days ago.

last got a haircut 101 days ago. and I am fully planning on getting a nice very short haircut TODAY.

later. got nice short level 1 haircut! very nice. do this more like every 2 months, not every 3 months. it was looking bad on the sides, like an unemployable loser neet wizard virgin. dont do this. i am scottish with spending money, but in this case, its WORTH THE MONEY. just spend the money and get a haircut every 2 months. they barber didnt even ask about muh JOB hahaha.

also now i look more masculine, like a real ross bay powerlifting black metal skinhead. i would also add 1433 to that, althought the ross bay cult is NOT associated with 1433. but they should really consider it! although the black guy in the band blasphemy hahahaha well i will give him a pass.

BUT really raw drunken satanic black metal is degenerate anyway, and degeneracy and 1433 is like OIL AND WATER.

so, switch all that drunken satan imagery with like Nationalistic War imagery. you can still have those kewl black and white drawings! just instead of goatz and sp00py skellys with goathorns, you can have like soldiers and fuhrers and gunz and tradfams and such.

being CONFUSED SUCKS. it kills your confidence and can lead to Chronic Stress.

also you feel like you are getting early onset dementia or alzheimers at age 35. WTF. that is very frustrating.

or was it just because you smoked too much MJ and drank too much alcohol before age 25? because ya sure did. sure screwed the pooch on that one. dicked the dog. fooked fido.

like worshiping satan and evil is stupid, immature, degenerate, and really doesnt make sense. being a 1433 whyte warrior makes TOTAL sense. 14 words make TOTAL sense. so express THAT in your music.

had stupid dream last night where I dreamed I was looking at pictures of HER, on facebook or instagram or whatever. i saw a photo of her from new years eve where she was kissing a black guy. i reacted with disgust and horror and anger, much like you would expect me to hahahaha. i make no apologies for not liking mudsharking, and I am ESPECIALLY offended when the woman I luv would rather fook and kiss blacks than have anything to do with ME. it really stings the pride knowing a black guy is better at getting the woman of your dreams than you are. and that the woman of your dreams would rather be with a black guy than you, ya racially-aware whyte man.

also IRL she did go out with a black guy but I never saw secsy pictures of that thank god. but the fact is, they were making out and FOOKING. she she suck his dick? most certainly. Did he blast jizz on her pretty face? maybe. did he fook her up the ass? maybe. did he fook her doggystyle and blast on her nice white ass? certainly. did he pound that pvssy with her fine white body pressed up against him while they made out and she sighed in Ecstasy? 100000% yes definitely. things I will never experience with her hehehehe.

And I have always like kissing and making out MORE than secs. it seems so pure and fun and innocent and safe and good. and secs seems so dirty and bad and pornographic and dangerous and bad. not because it is, but because the way the women treat it like its NOTHING. treat it with more reverence.

so I always LIKED making out and kissing more. it means a lot to me. I would have had a LOT of fun making out with her. I had a LOT of fun just making out with gurls. then they would get bored, want secs, and dump me when they correctly ascertained that I wanted a real rel.

i get dumped because i always want a RELATIONSHIP with women hahahaha what a MONSTER I am.

clingy and needy, always wanted a Relationship.

oh well there’s serious rels and then theres casual rels. why do I always want a serious rel?

because I am an OLD SCHOOL WHITE MAN, and I KNOW that sex cannot be treated CASUALLY!

so yeah not only do i think secs is intmate, i think KISSING is kinda intimate too! and i feel a lot more positively towards it than secs, ie its something i can actually enjoy, possibly because it doesnt make babies but still allows you to show affection for your bitch, like cuddling. and its much SAFER and lower RISK, and I think its super FUN and stress free, and I RESENT women for not liking it so much, or thinking its BORING.

if you think somethings boring, YOUR BORING hahahahahahaha.

if you’re BORED, YOURE BORING.

uncle bern might have clued me into that saying.

oh lord their are LATVIANS speaking LATVIAN in the poker room hahahaha.

this is really interesting. yes i luv latvians, they are white as hell. or are they finngolian hahaha. latvians are classic joohaters and ovened 6 gorillion joos in riga in 1943.

 

 

PUNCH OUT THEN KEEP WORKING

july 1

shit. i hate that you just cant be an ok people person. you gotta be a MASTER people person just to get a 10 DAH job or get some fat slut. if you have the SLIGHTEST anxiety or autism or awkwardness…..1% is as bad as 100%. 2 is as bad as 10 hahaha. all or nothing. no in between.

you have to be all or nothing because the WORLD is all or nothing. jobs, women, life, hahaha.

sometimes  while browsing the indeed list you find a job thats SO GOOD you HAVE to apply for it RIGHT NAO. So go ahead and do that. thats a good thing. like i found one today: day shift, full time, mailroom clerk for large IP law firm. Dayum.

using A Spreadsheet and a Stopwatch to calculate the Exact Average of how long it takes me to do a Job Application.

with 3 down so far, the average is 15 minutes. has varied from 6 to 27 minutes.

this is actually making it slightly more interesting. maybe this is a holdover from my stupid job, where all our calls were timed and we could see a dashboard of how many calls we had each day, average time of calls, total time IN, etc.

i kinda liked improving my numbers. also it gave me some Hard Numbers. of course it also allows the company to Measure More and to crack the whip harder. 20 minutes average call time? get it down to 19 and we save 1 million dollars a year and can give execs moar bonuses and cut more people from YOUR department!

but in general i think the stopwatch is a great idea for THIS, muh job SEARCH, and getting a handle on exactly HOW long it takes to do EACH application, and what a reasonable number of apps per day is. i have been shooting for 8 but that’s cetainly low. but HOW low?

ok well my average is now at 17 minutes. thats with short ones and annoyingly long ones. only have 6 so far. i figure 100 might be a better sample size.

not that i havent already done over 210!!! 232 as a matter of fact. hehe.

today had a first, applied to USAJOBS, something for the army. FEDGOV hehehehehe.

17$ DAH job working with like army kids? child care technician? well in the FEDGOV they make 17 bucks an hour with bennies. GS 04 or some shit.

SO i figured that 5% of applications will get an interview. 1 out of 20. i mean that is ABOUT what its actually been. about 10 interviews for 200 applications.

well REALLY its 9 interviews for 230 applications hahahahahahahaha. but NO, cuz when I HAD the 9th interview last week, I had only about 200 apps in.

ok, so 9/200.

SO, assuming about 5% chance of an interview, it is THEN safe to assume that 5% of INTERVIEWS will result in a JOB. THEREFORE, you have to put in about 400 applications, therefore get 20 interviews, in order for you to get 1 job.

so shoot for 400 applications.

about ABOUT 20 minutes per application, that is 133 hours.

and that is 3.25 weeks of Full Time Work hehehehehe.

and right now I am showing 17 minutes per application, not 20.

why the hell didnt i start measuring this in a spreadsheet EARLIER?

because when you Train Yourself, it takes you MONTHS to stumble on things that a Trainer would show you right away. Best Practices. Best Practices do not always come quickly.

and this is a pretty obvious no brainer. use a spreadsheet as a tracking system to measure Metrics. its not exactly out of left field.

http://bbs.dailystormer.com/t/advice-on-how-to-red-pill-my-fiance/37312/11

this guy does not seem super smart but he is a manly white man who carries a Glock hehehe and doesnt want his qt white gf associating with trash. cuz her friends are trash and her family is trash and she gets the attention of blacks hehehe but she miraculously is not a huge slut. so says the boifran hahaha.

i know that feel, that woman was CLOSE to trash but she was not herself really trashy. she didnt want to be trash so she dumped her trashy friends. i hate to think she thought of ME as TRASH.

well at least TRASH can WORK!!!!!

july 2

horry sheet, interview with the company i have submitted like 14 applications to this year and i NEVER thought they would interview me for anything more than a 9 dah pt job….has invited me to an interview for like a 32k to 46k FT job hahahaha.  so, doing that on thursday. afternoon of courshe hahahaha.

BIG reach here, but……it was kind of a reach just to get the interview!

They are interviewing at least 5 people.

I would prefer something a little less……involved, because I might be better qualified for something Lower, have a better chance of getting it.

I do know the application here had like 5 short answer questions that probably scared all the CASUALS and PUNTERS away hahahaha.

and made the Application Time like 30 minutes instead of 15 hehehe.

what was the manager doing sending emails at 10 30 pm on the friday of Fourth of July Weekend? why wasnt he out of town with his family?

this place has a Unionized Workforce and I thought they were serious about muh 40 hours and not a second more hehehehe.

well there are ways around that, you simply PUNCH OUT THEN KEEP WORKING hehehehehe.

how common is this? for people who want to make themselves look like they do more in 40 hours than they do? really for OT Exempt people its not an issue. then you just work 80 hours for the price of 40 as a general rule hahaha.

i am somewhat interested in the Goth Subculture, but its also kidna degenerate and the women are SLUTS. VERY high number. but they might be willing to help weak sissy beta guys gain experience and confidence in banging bitches, which is always good.

yes, bang those disgusting degenerate high number whores, just for EXPERIENCE and CONFIDENCE. THEN you will have a better chance at getting the women you DO want. there’s a reason they call them PRACTICE gurls. And you can’t get a Decent Woman without PRACTICE. Like like you can’t Win the Championship Game without PRACTICE.

just Wrap It Up and try not to lie too much. like don’t tell the gurl you’re in luv with her, OR that you will marry her, OR that you want a Real Relationship with her. It’s Only About The Casual Secs baby, whatsamatter, dont you think secs is FUN, ya prude?

but yeah i dont think there are any gothic gurls under 30.

also goths like phaggots and nihilism and drugs and are not masculine and all.

i would approach Goth in a way that championed Traditional Victorian Values, and wears a lot of black, and likes melancholy shit, but thats really about all. While also still being Masculine and promoting Morality and Family and Traditional Gender Roles.

at the same time i like gurls who are not super duper girly. That Woman was feminine but she was not super duper girly. in that she was chilled out and laid back and not into Drama. But she kinda was. at the end she couldn’t get out of the drama.

i dont mind minor drama, but major drama needs to be dealt with. women are so attracted to drama that they dont even want to deal with major drama, they just run away from it if its too much. leaving people in the LURCH.

they need a MAN to pull them out of the drama. And I was not man enough. shit i was CAUSING the drama. i didnt know how to FINISH it. well, i DID know that we PROBABLY needed to confront it and talk about it, and she didnt want to do that.

all the more reason I need to MAN UP and say THIS ENDS NOW and MADE her talk to me hehehehe.

so yeah. BIG interview thursday, one of the biggest. the manager has been working there for 12 years and is a (former?) CPA but this job is more in “systems.” he does not have a masters degree but does/did have a CPA and that is about as hardcore as a masters degree hehehehe. fookin tryhard.

applied for job as AP clerk for company, took 23 minutes, brought average up to 16 minutes hahahaha.

i only have 8 jobs in that spreadsheet, i suppose if i had all 230 jobs, it would be a more valid/accurate number.

lets just say the shorter the better. i would like it to be closer to 15 than to 30.

in 1980 it didn’t take you 16 minutes to do a job application (well maybe it did.)

but for DAMN SURE in 1980 you didnt have to do 400 job applications before you found a job!

but its good i have an interview for next week, i didn’t have one this past week. want to have 1 or ideally TWO eery week.

had a dream with THAT WOMAN last night, as i recall it was pretty long but i still dont remember much other than i was spending the night with her, but she was mad at me and we were arguing and i was sleeping on the couch or something. i was scared she was gonna LEAVE ME, that she wasnt willing to work this out. , that she had just Had Enough, it wasnt worth saving to her.

and of course that was what happened! but this dream at least pretended that we were actually Going Out.

I was also starting to care about her family. Cared about her single mother who had a possibly rough life but she was at least a good mother and probably a good person. cared about her brother and sister who seemed really nice and were not promiscuous degenerate drug addicts, they did not even smoke MJ. they just lived clean decent nice lives. Cared about her extended family who she told me about.

and now all of THOSE people were ripped out of my life too, her telling me you’re not allowed to care about them any more, you’re done with ALL of us.

so that was an extra element which made things even more painful. I felt closer to her because I felt I kinda knew her family. again, not something i normally do with women.

she had an older family member who was not in good shape and that was causing her a lot of stress and worry at the same time as our thing fell apart. i felt guilty for Bothering her during such a difficult time. But I cared about the family member too! I shared her pain somewhat! and if she thinks it was all a Ploy to Get Dat Ass, she couldnt be MORE wrong!!!!!!!!

but i totally lost my frame and became weak and supplicating and BEGGING. I should have taken the FRAME of the MAN who COMMANDS respect….not a pvssy weakling who BEGS for respect! you put the foot down and say THIS IS HOW ITS GONNA BE.

hmmm this qt young gurl (7-8 years younger than me, very cute and nice, low number, she got married tho, like at age 22, well good for her hahaha.) sent ME a linkedin connect today and i accepted it. I had seen HER many times but did not ask to connect with her because she might think its creepy i was stalking her. well she is way more successful than me anyway. good career in health admin and is being promoted, moving up, didnt even get a damn masters degree, works with a bunch of other qt young women.  its hard to imagine they will become hambeasts when they are 40 like so many other women.

but they might not also become loving wives and mothers and just continue riding the coch carousel, so yeah, part of that is not becoming a hambeast. gotta look good to pull the alphamost coch. fat hambeasts can only pull thugingras hahahha. i hope SHE becomes a fat hambeast. her mother didnt unfort. her mother still looks bangable. i should bang her mother in horribly degrading ways hahahahahahahaha

heh i set up a 50 cent monthly dnation to bernard chapin. lets see if HE complains about the dnation being too small hahaha. i really dont think he will. he is not that kind of guy tho. I wish he had found a good wife and become a father though. its SAD that at 46 he has Accepted he will always be a MGTOW. he is coming out with his new book “man going his own way.” I mock MGTOW’s now, but not too long ago, I considered myself a mgtow, and uncle bern is the best example of the best of mgtow. he is a very good honorable man and THATS why he needs to stop being a mgtow and become a father! hes not race aware enough, let alone 1488. well, i will stop my dnation if he ever has a keeid with a nonwhite or advocates race mixing hahaha, which i dont think he will.

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FOOK A STRANGER IN THE 455 / HOW TO FIGURE THINGS OUT WHEN YOU DONT KNOW HOW TO FIGURE THINGS OUT

apr 8

yeah a jooish movie but that line is one reason why it is a classic and why i think its funny so i will put it in the oven last hahahaha.

http://www.dslreports.com/forum/r3707888-Former-DirecTV-DSL-tech-support-speaks-out

i am looking for a forum for support to the tech support hahaha. mainly its just phags complaining about how bad tech support is. but what about the poor bastards who have to WORK there? whos supporting them? I want something from people who work in the trenches. stuff to say and do to make their job easier.

http://www.techexams.net/forums/jobs-degrees/81398-am-i-not-cut-out.html

i empathize with the OP hahaha

http://www.techrepublic.com/blog/10-things/10-signs-that-you-arent-cut-out-to-be-a-support-tech/

ok i am definitely not cut out for it hahaha

http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=305033

oh dear god: QUOTE from above link

I have worked in tech-support in some mode or another for bout 9 years. It is summed up for me with the following:

========================
A man in a hot air balloon is lost. He sees a man on the ground and reduces height to speak to him.

“Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”
“You’re in a hot air balloon hovering thirty feet above this field,” comes the reply.

“You must work in Information Technology,” says the balloonist.
“I do,” says the man, “How did you know?”

“Well,” says the balloonist, “Everything you told me is technically correct, but it’s no use to anyone.”
“You must be in business,” says the man.

“I am,” says the balloonist, “How did you know?”
“Well,” says the man, “You don’t know where you are, you don’t know where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help.
You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”
===========================

/END QUOTE

hehehe

QUOTE:::

]Mimsay 15 points 12 months ago
Yes! I worked for an extended warranty company for 6 years and just quit in October. The first few years were ok, but then they were bought by another company that cared about metrics above ANYTHING else. In 3 years, I gained almost 100 pounds, I started having panic attacks, became depressed and was drinking heavily every night just to escape. I wouldn’t quit until I found another job and had several interviews that never panned out. Towards the end, I got sick and the supervisors treated me horribly. I was having to go to the bathroom like every 30 minutes. Even though I went to the doctor and brought a note explaining what was wrong, my supervisor still insisted on following me into the bathroom to “make sure” I really did have diarrhea every single time. She would stand outside the stall door and listen to me shit. It was insane. I started having panic attacks daily, every morning before work. I just couldn’t make myself go anymore. I thought “I need to call the dr and have them up my anxiety meds!” And then I realized that job was slowly killing me. I didn’t need more meds, I needed to not work there anymore. So I called my supervisor and quit. I was unemployed for 3-4 weeks with no money and no savings, which should have been super stressful, but I just felt free. I finally found a job that I love and I’ve been doing great ever since. I’ve lost weight without trying, I’m off all my depression and anxiety meds, I haven’t had a single panic attack and I don’t abuse alcohol anymore.

ANOTHER

bootnab 7 points 12 months ago
Worked in pharmacy benefits management. One of the big bads. We were outsource for much of the nation, a buffer for the insurance companies themselves. Dead spouses. Addiction. Mental illness. Rage. Ineptitude. Countless system and account errors. I remember once having to deny a request for an infant’s siezure meds because their insurance company hadn’t replied to the doctor’s request for an authorisation. [ufmll: i have worried about this exact situation, well, dyring relatives cancer treatments, hahaha, even though i never worked in such a place, and never want to!!!!!] All day every day constantly streaming down the phone line. 10 seconds between calls.
I wound up with serious depression. An existential crisis. Cold, ugly resentment for my fellow humans. I can safely say it contributed to the demise of my marriage. When I finally got turned loose there was a jaunty tune in my heart and a bounce in my step that hadn’t been there in over a year
Nowadays I work light induatrial in a union shop. With earplugs. All blessed day. Sometimes I’ll even leave them in during my lunch break.

ANOTHER

[–]feor1300 4 points 12 months ago
Not me personally, but I know people who have. One guy I worked with left work one day at the end of his regular shift, went to the parking lot, took the tire iron out of his trunk, and demolished his own vehicle with it, broke all the windows on it, smashed the mirrors, huge dents everywhere. Imagine John Goodman showing what happens when you f00k a stranger in the ass, basically that. Then he went over to the bus stop, got on the bus, and went directly to the local mental hospital and checked himself in.
He was there for 3 or 4 weeks before they let him out, and when he came back to work he claims that he just completely blacked out after he punched out. Doesn’t remember anything until he work up in the hospital except for vaguely knowing that he had to go there and get help.
He was back for about 2 months before he handed in his notice. And he made no secret of the fact that he was only still there because he couldn’t afford to quit and then look for a job.
He had a pretty good sense of humor about it at least, anytime anyone called him crazy he’d answer with “No I’m not, I’ve got a piece of paper that says I’m better!”

END

good job guize hahaha

the type of job that you barely survive every day and want to go home and hug your waifu or husbando…..but you dont have one because you are not TOUGH ENOUGH to handle weird phone calls all day hahaha.

its worse than working in the COAL MINES!!!!

i dont mind technical support per se. i do mind the CALL CENTER. being chained to the desk all day. doing from one mind fooking problem immediately to the next. you get disoriented and discombobulated. it is completely unnatural. stories of people snapping. walking out. never coming back.  it is not for everybody.

applied for county department clerk job with animal control department, sweet 13 DAH job, i would rather put orphaned abused animals to death than deal with constant weird phone calls hahahaha. i mean i love animals, no nonpsychopath wouldnt, but……… god damn fooking call centers are such an abomination they must have been invented by a J. that is no way for white people to WORK.

and another job as record clerk at local credit union.

neither are call centers and neither focus 100% on customer service. i dont think.

its like taking a test all day every day. you cant go out after work because you have another 8 hour exam tomorrow youve got to study and rest for. you can’t relax and enjoy music. your sex drive is GONE. you dont even want to jerk off. you just want peace of mind for your job.

you dont know what youre doing, nothing makes sense, you cant explain anything, you lose ability to use normal logic, you feel like you are going crazy! you dont know what to do! you feel weak and flustered like a cornered animal.

you really need nerves of steel.

when there is SO MUCH that doesnt make sense. some Techs think all callers are idiots. i never thought that. I felt like an idiot because i didnt understand our damn companys technology because it was so complicated and confusing. yet I was the expert who was supposed to fix shit.

how does SHE do it?

because SHE doesnt care. SHE is unhelpful and wrong. also she has Thirsty Men willing to Bend Over Backwards to do her work for her. or at least HELP her. HELP is crucial. but in so many companies peopel refuse to give you HELP.

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/20140710155740-3003226-why-using-a-sink-or-swim-approach-to-training-is-an-effective-way-to-identify-superstars-on-your-staff

i disrespectfully disagree with this n199er bitch hahahahaha but she is a better writer and speller than You Know Who.

http://ask.metafilter.com/203744/Sink-or-swim-taken-a-bit-too-literally-in-the-workplace

want coworker to take on new responsibilities, but WONT EVEN TELL THEM WHAT THE RESPONSIBILITIES ARE, let ALONE how to do them. jeeeeez.

https://hbr.org/2007/07/do-you-work-for-a-sinkorswim-o-1/

https://hbr.org/2016/04/revolutionizing-customer-service

http://www.seattlepi.com/business/article/Workplace-Coach-Sink-or-swim-isn-t-a-good-way-to-1284462.php

no comments. literally. there are 0 comments from readers. but i agree, sink or swim “TRAINING” SUCKS.

http://goingconcern.com/2011/5/how-should-an-associate-handle-the-sink-or-swim-nature-of-his-small-firm

USE THE TEN MINUTE RULE, if yu cant figure it out in 10 minutes, THEN ASK.

use torrent sites to download ebooks in epub or mobi format

http://lifehacker.com/how-to-handle-a-toxic-work-environment-1627385030

see i wouldnt last long at a place like AMAZON. everything ive heard about their cutthroat environment sounds horrible. not that i could get into that corporate level. but even the “fulfillment team associates” job sounds terrible. probably YUUUGE turnover there.

but yeah. the unfriending, followed by the blocking, and you couldnt even have a third party deliver a message. these things made me think you were mad at me, hated me, didnt care about causing me pain!

and it hurts when you dont even care about causing me pain! just as bad as the pain itself.

how could you jsut stop caring about me? just turn that OFF?

yeah that metaness. its almost worse to realize that she COULD just stop caring about me.

which made me think, oh god, i must have done something horribly wrong to make her do this!!!!

i never unfriended someone, but i was thinking about unfriending her. i would accompany it with a message saying this doesnt mean i hate you. it means i LIKE you but i dont think you like me.

she sent me NO message with the unfriending.

id rather think she was just a scared avoiding coward, rather than she HATED me. i dont like being HATED by someone I LOVED. that makes you think you did something WRONG. i never wanted to do anything wrong to her!!!!

didnt she want to have me NOT think that i did something horribly wrong? couldnt she have her mom or this mutual friend contact me?

interesting story. a mutual friend is also someone who approved me to use them as a REFERENCE for JOBS. email, phone number, a nice letter, we had a conversation about it. now i am starting to use them in some job apps as my 3rd or 4th reference for a 12 DAH job hahahaha.

because in the back of my mind I want them to get called, get asked about me, then the mutual person could contact me, oh how you been, and then I could tell them The Story. And maybe they could tell me a story about Her too. or did That Woman get to the mutual friend already and tell them UNTRUTHS about ME? I sorta want to know!!

I buy my own office supplies for Work: pens, pencils, notepads, printing paper, post it notes, rubber bands, white boards, even my own little file cabinet and storage shelving. and a fan hahaha. and my own coffee machine. i can also chip in for printer toner cartridges. also you can garnish my pay for every mistake i make, so that i only make $1 per paycheck hahahaha. way less than minimum wage. just say i made too many mistakes so you gotta dock my pay. thats fine. thats what sink or swim is. mistakes have consequences!

waiting to pounce, sneak attack, biding his time, ulterior motives, etc. i can understand being mad about these things….but I WASNT DOING THAT!!!!!! and I wanted her to undnerstand that. but she refused to listen to me.

otherwise i would have “POUNCED” the instant she was finished with her main BF!!!!!!!!!!

 

hahahaha

that prob wont work, but my traveler iq is 122. i wish my real iq were that high! then i might be able to make $12.2 dollars an hour hahahaha

i simply cant believe the average hourly wage is 24 dollars an hour (US). there are SO MANY people making less than 15 DAH.

you are not given the tools to succeed, you have build your own tools. thrown to the wolves. become a wolf hahaha.

What do I do here?

FIGURE IT OUT.

I dont know HOW to figure it out.

FIGURE IT OUT.

I….HOW do I figure it out?

FIGURE IT OUT.

doesnt it seem like this would cost the company shitloads of money?????

How do you figure something out when you dont know HOW to figure it out?

fix this broken car. figure out how to fix it. that’s your job.

figure out how to remove this tumor from the persons brain.

if i had any inkling how to figure it out, i wouldnt be asking you!!! i dont even know where to begin!

this looks SO BAD when you are struggling in front of customers!

i like the 10 minute rule. surely your god damn manager could understand that its better for you to get help from another employee (“team member”) than to be UNPRODUCTIVE for 10 minutes!!!!

google how to figure things out on your own

https://www.themuse.com/advice/how-to-train-people-to-ask-you-fewer-questions-and-figure-things-out-on-their-own

come on. if people are asking you for help, its because they need help now. their caller is waiting on hold waiting for them to fix a problem they’ve never seen.

what if your brainstorming takes you down a totally wrong path because you are in a dark cave and have no idea what is right and what is wrong?

i just say do shit WRONG and then when they tell you you did it wrong, you say, ok, whats the right way to do it then? ok thank you im sorry i’ll never do it again, you can see me writing this down right now. thanks for the feedback phaggot hahahahaha

april 9

yes stuff like this causes anxiety, worry, and panic.

trying to find books by phds on anxiety and panic now.

i dont get full blown panic, i get half blown panic. just really flustered. it still makes it really hard to DO shit when you need to. or especially to sound confident and competent.

1 piece of pie from the grocery store freezer, the pies in the ice cream aisle, 1 slice has 310 calories hahaha. therefore, never eat these pies.  i would much rather blow 310 calories on pad thai than on a pie.

i tried the lastpass program.  i wanted to have different strong passwords for the most important sites, rather than reusing versions of the same password everywhere.

its a good idea but lastpass had a few big cons. namely it doesnt update chrome with any passwords you change in lastpass. and if you change all your passwords in lastpass then decide to go back to chrome, that sucks.

you can export a text file of all the passwords though. so i did that and uninstalled lastpass then manually updated chrome with the 3 passwords i had changed.

even that took like 2 hours because I had trouble getting chrome to offer to save the gosh darn GOOGLE password.

because chrome is connected to your google user account. yes not a good explanation but thats the best i got.

so you have to go into settings, disconnect google account, clear cache, sign into google, THEN it offers to save password, THEN you can sign into the BROWSER, ie connect chrome with your google user account.

it felt kind of workaroundy. kludgey. it would be nice if one of those google developers making 300 grand a year could fix this, rather than getting workaround advice from their indian level 1 tech support people hahahaha. well are they gonna FIX this? is a VERY relevant question. but I also don’t expect the indians to know that. most assholes WOULD expect them to know that though.

anything that has a workaround is not gonna be fixed soon. just use the workaround forever.

honestly. the first line of support has about as much access to higher levels of support as YOU do.

so you are basically asking YOURSELF to fix something for you. that you dont know how to fix. except the person knows even less than you because theyve never used the program! so they try to fix it by struggling with it for an hour, with you on the phone. struggling the same as you did. except you only struggled for 5 minutes then called Tech Support and got bitchy when you watched them struggle for an hour.

well can you struggle then call me back? nope our policy says we must keep you on the line. we have to be on an active call at all times hahaha. hold for 5 minutes, let me ask permission if I can go into after call mode so i can call you back. 5 mins later….no i can’t, we have too many people holding. nope we cant hire more people, that would cost money.

i would say welp let me continue to work on this and get back to you every 10 minutes. better than interrupting them every 5 minutes saying yep still struggling and getting nowhere because this whole time ive just been waiting for level 2 to respond to me with useless shitty advice.

basically the company policies were not helpful to level 1 or the people it was our job to help. our real job was to give the appearance of giving them help, while satisfying the metrics of the service level agreement. the SLA hahahaha. some items in there were relevant, others were deceptive. and you had to cut corners to make the metrics. naturally customers are not happy about this.

am i the only one who has trouble with this? absolutely not. other employees complain about not knowing how to do their job, and or being put into impossible situations.  but actual useful information on how to DEAL with this is SO difficult to find.  whether its actual job related explanations and answers you can use, or its meta type help on just how to survive in these situations written by phds who know how the mind works hahaha and know the mind hacks to train you to survive here.

all you can do is say: it is what it is, there is no explanation for that, OR give them some bullshit.  period. and its impossible to bullshit when you are new.

you CANT simply say “good question, let me find the answer for you” because that is going to take at LEAST 10 minutes.

so i guess you could say, good question, are you willing to wait 10 minutes to find out the answer? and it probably wont be a good one? like they say, if you NEED an explanation, you’re probably not gonna like it or understand it once you get it?

now these are all real skills for dealing with difficult situations. but you can’t explain them like THAT, to managers. cuz managers are the best bullshitters of all, plus they totally lose track with reality, because they dont DO the job, so they push you to unreasonable “targets.” do more. do more than can possibly be done. we are already at the breaking point. so just push us harder. becuase you have to be constantly “growing.” short term is better than long term. these are our LEADERS.

9 months since i talked to that person. 7.9 months since i contacted that person. hehehehe. i figure it makes sense that it takes at LEAST 9 months to make some real progress. that the analogy of a gestating Baby is very apt. its the amount of time it takes for a new life to be born. and you are really trying to be reborn yourself. start life alone without your Soulmate hahaha.

and that’s just bare minimum, to get to 51% or so. therefore, about 18 months before you are normal again. ready to be Emotionally Available for someone new. i guess till then just have casual sex with bitches and whores hahaha if you CAN.

sometimes the dumper contacts YOU even though they dont want to apologize OR get back together. this has not happened here hahaha.

shit when i imagine what would a person have to do to get ME to unfriend and block them. they would have to BETRAY me and do something TERRIBLE to me. which is why i was horrified to think that I BETRAYED her and wasnt even aware of it. how could I be SO HORRIBLE and not even be AWARE of it? I was just a Horrible Person without even knowing it!!!!!

that is what you are left with when someone leaves you like this!

they say a woman is never really WITH you, it’s just your TURN. someday your TURN will be over, and another guy will get HIS turn. certainly your TURN is over before you want it to be.

I just thought we were having trouble, but we could work through it. i didnt realize my TURN was OVER.

if you want my turn to be over, have the decency to tell my my turns over. cuz some people actually want ot talk about problems and fix things, not just END things.

i didnt think it was the END. I thought it was just a rough patch. COME ON. the signs are ambiguous. they can indicate both or either of those things.  naturally i hoped they just indicated a rough patch. we can work thru a rough patch, i thought! and the end is just horrifying, incomprehensible, a part of you DIES! hahahaha. well at least it couldnt get any worse. And I got a good story out of it hahahaha. i mean this is is Life Motherfooker. LIVE IT hahaha.

but yeah i cant even put myself in her position. it is too far off of anything i can even imagine. i cant imagine hating a former friend like that. and of course i dont like being HATED by former friends.

I never had a really super big falling out with a friend like this before!

i have grown apart from many friends, but no real animosity or regret there. I had a feud with a guy where I really hated him, but he was never really my FRIEND. I hated this gurl I “dated” after she dumped me, but I got over that as I got over her. I hated her for leading me on, but she was just doing what gurls do, this was not the worst leading on. It was more something I really really really WANTED. I was leading myself on!

Yeah I might have blocked HER. but I always wanted to look at her damn facebook page, so I couldnt bring myself to block her. I think I might have unfriended her like a year since I last saw her.  yeah I eventually unfriended her at least a YEAR later.  which is super different than what happened here: her unfriending and blocking ME while she still knows me! I have no frame of reference for this! its disorienting! i had honestly never had anything CLOSE to this happen to me before! so much new shit!

first time I got feelings for a female friend.

first time I was rejected LIKE THIS. totally blocked, abandoned, ignored, avoided, silent treatment, ghosted, thrown away.

first time I was ever blocked by somebody on FB.

first time I quit my job over a WOMAN.

first time I ever sent long emails telling the detailed story of how I feel, and begging PLEASE RESPOND.

first time, one day someone is a big part of your life, next day, they’re GONE. they HATE you. and wont even give you the courtesy of telling you. because maybe YOU did something horrible without even knowing it. because youre a horrible person. but you are dead to them, they want to be dead to you too.

yeah its very disorienting. how long did they feel like this? what do they really feel? ultimately I was given a lot more information by the other women when they dumped me. i knew they didnt HATE me, they didnt feel BETRAYED by me, they just didnt want to DATE me, they simply didnt feel the same way.

it was such a painful thing for me, and I couldnt believe she was capable of doing something that caused me such pain.

yeah a lot of that pain was self inflicted. because i luved her. I could have just hated her immediately and said fook her, i’ll throw HER away now. but i couldnt.

really its just a matter of she freaked out like a cornered animal. she blocked me not because she HATED me, but because she just couldnt DEAL with me. heh. I would have been more ok with that if she had just sent one final message saying im blocking you know and heres why.

well, i would probably still beg her to respond to me!

hey. when women get dumped by men they luv, they go BATSHIT crazy. they STALK the guy, they BOMBARD him with messages, they contact him CONSTANTLY.

i wonder what SHE did when that guy cheated on her hahaha. I know she was upset.

well I’m upset too when she throws away a 2.7 relationship without a word!!!!! who does that!!!!!

I was a weak thirsty beta but I dont think I deserved THAT!!!!!

but its a just an avoiding coward being a damn avoiding coward!

i never had someone who was DESPERATE to talk to me and I was REFUSING to talk to them. the few people I hated, they were never desperate to talk to me. quite the opposite! they were having a grand old time not talking to me!

and HER, its harder to hate, because we were friends for such a long time! it’s easier to hate them when you only knew them for a couple months. then you know you never really knew them. but her I did!!!!!!

2.7 years!!!!

i knew her well enough that I thought I did really know her; and it happened before my mind was CLOUDED with LUV.

sometimes callers call in and just request ridiculous things.

what do you do when you have no sense of what is actually ridiculous and what is not?

how to explain that they are being ridiculous?

33 tips for giving great technical support at a small software company without being swamped

here is an ok article, where its hard to find ok articles like this. but I would need much, much more. I would need Regular training and REgular meetings with people in my workplace, who knew my workplaces tech and procedures and policies and cases, to  give very specific advice. cant find that on the internet. couldnt even get that after working there a year hahahaha.

no there was acutally a knowledge base. my best research came from reading the knowledge base and the case notes from home. make sure you can at least do that. some of the more serious stuff you needed to log into a VPN, which i didnt have access to. but I could log onto the company intranet from home and see some stuff: knowledge base and case notes. that was yuuuuge.

https://www.smashingmagazine.com/2011/10/supporting-product-providing-technical-support/

i am just googling how to provide tech support. for help with people who have been thrown into the deep end of level 1 and panic that they dont know how to do their jobs…because they DONT….yet they still have to talk to people and solve their problems. there should be a BOOK. by a mentor or guru type. there was that kindle book by the steffy guy.

ok article but more helpful for level 3 and management above. not the level 1 bastards, which you and me are most likely to be. doing the HARD work. the REAL work.

http://www.techrepublic.com/blog/windows-and-office/three-simple-steps-to-providing-better-customer-support/

kinda shitty no brainer article. how about training your tier 1 people on all the fooking issues? make them experts in issues and solving them? this would involve a bigger, better knowledge base. up to date, clear articles on every issue, that answer the question of why and how and give you an EXPLANATION, and a paragraph that can be digested by the client. we had 10000 page articles that were confusing as fook. the users couldnt understand it, and we couldnt understand it. basically we tried to fix stuff by reading a complicated manual and hope we understood it correctly, which is impossible.

http://jeff-vogel.blogspot.com/2011/06/seven-tips-for-giving-good-tech-support.html

a very good spirited article but again nothing meaty here jeff. he is clearly a developer who knows his product inside and out, therefore, he can confidently know when a caller is wrong and he is right. how do you train the bum off the street desperate for a job who is gonna be answering the phone, taking those crazy calls?

also what if you cant give them a discount. because you work for the same company. then its reasonable that there customer gets a discount for having to wait for tech support to fix the product. but see tech support cannot offer those discounts. the people in the field have to offer the discounts for tech support delays. so ideally the field office managers should be aware of this. maybe they are but they havent made their office staff  aware of it.

well YOU fooked up, cant YOU reduce the price? not like you dont have access to the program?

nope, only the field can change the price, and it has to come out of their discount budget.

this is EXACTLY why the field gets angry at tech support, because they dont want to go into THEIR budget for dscounts, when they dont see it as THEIR problem. this is understandable and reasonable, and I still dont know what to say to that. I would probably say yeah I agree with you. best way to change policy would be to have your Area Manager talk to one of my managers. but I cant give you their phone number. welp….our call has gone over 20 minutes here so the quality people prob wont listen to it, so I will give you their phone number and this will be our little secret ok? you didnt get this from me. please dont tell them you got this number from me. tell them you got it from your district manager. actually….tell them you got this number from the darn intranet directory. you can look it up yourself!

or does the intranet restrict people of certain Job Codes of looking up certain people?

i have no idea and I don’t think a level 2 or 3 could answer that question either!

thats an exmaple of a question that cannot be answered in 10 minutes! MAYBE 72 hours! that is like 400 times longer timeframe!

and when you are just in your first 3 months, you dont have any idea of what kind of questions take 10 minutes, vs questions that take 4320 minutes!!!!!

its FINDING the one person out of 10000 corporate employees who might know the answer that is the trick. the person who knows the answer will be able to answer the question in 1 minute.

https://www.lynda.com/IT-Help-Desk-training-tutorials/2066-0.html

lynda.com has good videos, but you have to pay DEARLY for them. also there is nothing here on how to handle a barrage of calls, and what to say to not sound like a total idiot. nothing on “call management.” just technical stuff.

tech stuff is very important, and you can’t have too much, but it has to be CLEAR and COMPLETE; AND you ALSO need stuff on Call Management. How To Handle Calls Like A Boss.

https://www.talkdesk.com/blog/15-tips-for-training-call-center-agents/

ehehe need a minimum of 15 days of training. not 10 hahaha.

and 6 training days throughout the day. shit. I would like to see 1 full training day a MONTH.

ok how about 1 hour a week? thats about 1 day per 2 months. 6 days per year. shit i would have loved that. 1 hour a fooking week of training.

 

 

YOU ARE THE CREATORS OF LIFE, SO HAVE SOME D4MN RESPECT FOR IT

feb 22

not so dear person: it sucks when you treat somebody like they did something wrong. when other women dumped me they were very sweet and nice about it, went out of their way to try to spare my feelings. that helped a lot compared to this. youve made no effort to do that, in fact, it seems like you are deliberately trying to hurt me even MORE on top of the rejection: adding insult to injury. this may because you legitimately think i did ahorrible thing to you, that i wronged you, that i manipulated and lied and decieved and betrayed you, so you think you’re justified in showing me contempt and disrespect for that.

i agree cheaters and liars deserve contempt…..but i really really dont think thats what i did. believe me i am predisposed towards guilt and shame and self-blame, so i did blame myself a lot, when you blamed me. i figured you couldnt be wrong. you felt betrayed, so that was all the evidence that was needed. but as time passed, i began to realize, maybe this was all just a horrible misunderstanding, and that you drew the wrong conclusions from what you thought i was doing. i dont feel i betrayed you at ALL. actually i felt that pretty quickly and addressed in in email3 and email4. also i dont know the specifics of what youre feeling because you wont tell me. are you angry? hateful? confused? sad? i mean i KNOW youre upset but that could mean a lot of things. basically do you hate me or not. it SEEMS like it, but im not sure. and i strongly dispute that what i did was something that makes me hateable. i dont think you should be blaming and hating and shaming me for it! i want you to just try to be nice to me! tell me why you want to be mean to me rather than nice. do you think i MANIPULATED you? i would LOVE to go to dr phil and work with him so his team of professionals could explain better than i can why this is such a misunderstanding, and help us communicate with each other better to help resolve it. but im a bti angry because i feel it boils down to the WILLINGNESS to communicate. i am MORE than willing, ive been BEGGING you to communicate, and writing you long emails. in response, you have blocked me and ignored me and said not a single word: showing no willingness whatsoever to listen or to talk. i cant make you want to communicate but it really really hurts me that you dont want to communicate with me at all, since it has the potential to relieve a LOT of my pain, and to make this a good breakup rather than a bad, horrible breakup. why would anyone choose a bad breakup when they have the power to make it a good breakup? breakups are naturally painful as it is, why not try to minimize the pain? right now i feel you are MAXIMIZING the pain. I cant do anything about that. only you can. by communicating with me. write me an email please. the longer the better. tell me what you think about all this, the way i have been doing. go into great detail. but try not to directly hurt me. i dont want to directly hurt you. i dont hate you. it seems you hate me and that hurts me so much.

this doesnt have to end badly. it can end well. why would anyone want something to end badly, where you look back in the years and say that ended badly? when it could have ended much much better? i dont have the power to do anything more. ive literally done everything i can. its all up to you now. i need you to communicate with me and work with me a little here. i cant turn this negative into a positive without your help. so please be willing to give that help. i believe its in your interest to want to end this well, just because of how you will remember it in the long term. it doesnt have to be this bad. is this how you would want someone to end a relationship with you?

its really hard for me to put myself in your position because ive never hated someone like this, ive never ended a relationship like this before, i would never want to. please make an effort to do the right thing. please try to ease some of my pain. please show me some compassion and respect. i dont understand how i dont deserve ANY compassion or respect. i believe i do deserve it. im more than willing to meet with a relationship therapist professional. i already have a therapist i talk to once a month. could you please come with me and we could talk to them together.

im not a bad guy and i hate it when you treat me like i am a horrible person. its so hard on me to end such a good relationship in such a horrible way. and yes a 2.7 year friendship is a relationship, even if i started wanting a different kind of relationship at the end.

Talk to your family. let me talk to your family. tell me your side of the story, and let me tell you my side of the story. this isnt a case of a person blatantly cheating and then saying “its not what it looks like! i swear!”, or someone blatantly abusing someone and then saying “this isnt abuse! this is love! you made me do this! im not doing anything wrong! its all in your head!”.  i was cowardly and fearful but i dont think thats nearly on the same level as abuse, or cheating, or even manipulation. hasn’t your anger towards me cooled off even just a little bit? how can you end a 2.7 year relationship by essentially just blocking the other person like a facebook block? i honestly think i deserve better than that, and that both people in a relationship have some responsibilities towards each other. yes i was cowardly on upholding some of my responsibilities in talking to you sooner, but i just think that WAY OUT OF PROPORTION to throwing someone away like this. the punishment does not fit the crime. its like being sentenced to a life in prison without parole for a speeding ticket. please dont do this. please think of my feelings. it blows my mind that you once cared about me and my feelings and now i am not feeling even 1% of that sense of caring. show me more respect and compassion. just talk to me already. this is no way to end an important relationship.

when you want to get out of a rel, its COMMON COURTESY to let the other person give their opinion. there are consequences to your actions and a big one is that that person will feel a lot of pain. its courteous to acknowledge their pain and try to ease it and to reassure them they are a good person, that they didnt do anything WRONG. because they are ALREADY gonna be blaming themselves. try to ease that for them. show one final act of compassion to this person who opened their heart to you, became vulnerable for you, who YOU were an important part of their life. respect the pain that they will feel. dont add insult to injury by treating them like they deserved it! unless they really deserved it by treating you like a piece of garbage.

i dont deserve being treated like a piece of garbage, because i never treated you like a piece of garbage!!!!

/end

heh. had another dream with woman2012 last night. 2 nights in a row now! in this dream she seemed a little more normal. sluttier hahahaha. she talked about going to parties and drinking, which she never did in real life. i dont normally like these qualities in women, cuz it usually means they are a slut. going to parties, getting drunk, having lots of casual sex with guys they meet at these parties. no thank you.  but in the dream, she was being super nice and coy and girly to me, smiling at me, staring at me, and invited me directly to hang out with her. THIS, i liked! its ok if theyre a slut if they are showing interest in ME! so she invited me to go to a party with her on saturday and i was like hell yeah and felt really happy and alpha and then the dream ended.

never mind that she COULD invite me to the party but immediately lose all interest and just get drunk and fook other guys. but the INTERESTED, flirty way she invited me, implied to me she would probably not do that.

so yeah i basically did a fist pump and said YUSSSS!!!!! like i had just SCORED. feels good man. dont get that feel every 2 years hahahaha.

but yeah girls who go to parties and drink regularly and hang out wiht a lot of guys are BAD NEWS and i have stayed away from girls like that ever since i was 26 hahahaha.

woman2015 was borderline white trash but she did not party and drink. good for her i said. she was also not a slut. she spent a lot of time with her family. a family oriented homebody. the pros of her being a good hearted person outweighed the cons of her being white trash, fatherless, and having Coal Burned. and another thing too i wont mention here because i still have some decency hahahaha.

but we were two different people and i thought we had very similar personalities and values and “Worldviews”; but at the end of the day, shed had a very different life than ive had. very very different. i had a stable family which i thank GOD for.

but yeah really the lives of the vast majority of women are VASTLY different to mine: they have had lots of secs partners, they have had long term relationships, they treat human life like garbage, they throw people away, they abort their children, they play with secs like it cant create human life, and when it does, they just throw that life away. theyve had short term flings and very long term rels. most women have had long term monog rels that last like 2 or 3 years or more before they finally get bored and dump him. ive never experienced that kind of long term intimacy, and if i did, i sure wouldnt THROW IT AWAY like that!

women are the WORST thrower awayers! its HORRIBLE! have some RESPECT FOR HUMAN LIFE!

you are the CREATORS of human life, so have some damn RESPECT for it! and not perpetuate a CULTURE OF DEATH!!!!!!!!! fooking EVIL.

yeah thats what bothers me. that women are evil because of the fookin cavalier way they treat human LIVES: the people they throw away, the way they play around with the life creation process so cavalierly. even women that seem to have decent morals, miss this very basic fundamental moral principle, that it really endangers their entire morality, threatens to make them not moral, not decent people, if you can be so wrong on such a big thing.

i hate the imposter syndrome, where you feel you dont know how to do your job. where its your job to fix something, and you think i dont know how to fix this, cuz you dont! and the people who DO know how to fix it dont want to help you, they say figure it out, or find some way to get rid of the person without fixing it, im too busy to help you, stop wasting our time or youre fired for wasting resources and being inefficient. yeah well its our JOB to fix shit, not give people a n199erish RUNAROUND, so you do YOUR job and help me FIX this, because fixing shit is the entire purpose of our department………..isnt it???!?!?!?!

but in fact its really to give the IMPRESSION of fixing shit, because ACTUALLY fixing shit costs too much money.

that said, we did actually fix some shit, which made the illusion/impression all that more powerful and harmful. mixing lies with the truth so you dont know whats what any more. total confusion and chaos. its stressful and it eats away at you day after day. makes you want to blaze it like a n19ra at the end of every day.

cuz i am too honest. i want to fix problems when that is the OBVIOUS mission of our department. not pay lip service, not give bullshit excuses, and give a runaround, especially when i dont even KNOW what kind of bullshit excuses to give them, and i have to say, id like to help you, but i dont know how, and i cant get any help on this, and ive got to get you off the phone as soon as possible, whether i fix your problem or not.

its like taking a test all day where you arent given the chance to study or prepare, and you dont even know where to look, because many “solutions” do not even officially EXIST. you have a really shitty and incomplete “textbook” that is supplemented with many other things which you dont even know what or where they are.

ideally you would have TWO agents taking every call, a junior and a senior person, where the junior could then learn from the senior. but then you’d be spending TWICE as much money, and also, you dont have ENOUGH seniors who actually know what theyre doing! you have a department where not enough people know what they are doing because EVERYONE wants to get out of there ASAP! the people who do know shit LEAVE for better jobs…..and some just go CRAZY and QUIT, like I did. and i was starting to get over the learning curve. i survived long months of imposter syndrome and feeling totally incompetent and lost. i fought that battle and was starting to WIN! and then i just totally choked and cracked and broke down. that sucks.

https://upfrommorallylazyloserness.wordpress.com/2014/12/27/4361/

you can see as of late oct 2014 i was sending signals via text AND i fully expected to hang out VERY soon, like yep we WILL hang out this weekend and I Will Rip the Bandaid off and get it over with. funny. at this point the excuses started from her and little did i know we would never hang out again. damn.

https://upfrommorallylazyloserness.wordpress.com/2014/12/

see that whole month of posts

https://upfrommorallylazyloserness.wordpress.com/2015/01/

in november the Distance started. i said i would give her some time and space. little did i know that meant FOREVER. i said “the ball is SO in her court its not even funny.” as of november. then shit got worse and worse until JULY. but as of november i still had SOME confidence and swagger and a cool head and i was not DEVASTATED. it hadnt EATEN AWAY at me as of yet.

i MIGHT be able to hang out with you this weekend, i’ll text you if i can. and then they never text you. typical female bullshit. this is why you NEED to agree on an appointment basically. and then they complain and say thats weird and awkward, how about i just text you if i want to hang out. and then they never do. in that one smooth move theyve hijacked the whole thing, said fook your rules, were playing by my rules now.

of course at this time she was having a Bad Ending wiht the Short Term guy she was dating. but she had strong feelings for him and was probably willing to do a Long Term thing with him if HE hadnt screwed it up. but it shows her getting Good Feelings……for the WORST type of guys. her chooser is broken.

she told me ABOUT that guy only once things were done, and i said yeah i had an idea but i was too afraid to talk to you about it, and she said she was heartbroken, and we never really talked about him again. definitely should have. that was a topic i wanted to talk about on a Hangout, and not text or email. cuz i was still aiming to hang out wiht her over the holidays.

hey im not denying that i did anything wrong. i was a coward and didnt speak up soon enough and let things flail on pathetically for months. even though at the beginning i had the best of intentions to NOT do that and just get things over with. that didnt happen. but me being cowardly and afraid i dont think is such a huge CRIME as to be Punished in this way and essentially have her Bitterly Blame Me for the end of the rel. if anything, i should be blaming HER bitterly hahahaha.

if you’re choosing to end a rel, why the FOOK cant you do it in a good way?

because you have no father and you choose the wrong guys and trust the wrong guys and dont trust the right guys and no surprise you dont know how to end a rel well.

she lives in the past alot thinking about past tragedies and dead people. this is certainly a tragedy she should feel bad about. but im still ALIVE, and SHE has SOLE power to do soemthing about it! i cant do anything about it!!!!!

i have lost 9 pounds in the past 30 days. not bad uh. might even be TOO much!

it takes like 12 hours of pure exercise to lose 1 pound. 1 fecking pound. and most people do not have 12 hours to spare to exercise. that would take 2 or 3 weeks at least to exercise 12 hours when you are working 50 hours a week.

so you lose 1 pound every 3 weeks. no surprise people dont lose weight and are huge fatasses. the much more effective weight loss thing is to just not eat as much. keep working 50 hours a week but just dont eat as much. if you have a stressful job it helps, because the stress and worry will kill your appetite. when i was at my job, i lost 10 pounds in 30 days because i was too stressed out to eat.

when i am not super stressed, i have a huge appetite. MORE than healthy appetite. like i am hungry all the time now, but i disclipine myself to reach muh weight loss goals.

i think i still think that ONE DAY, perhaps YEARS from now, we will meet again and i will have a second chance and everything will work out. i still cant convince myself that its REALLY over and i will NEVER be with her. after 189 days since last contacting her. DAMN. well its good that ive gone that long without contacting her! and she certainly hasnt contacted me!

but yeah i dont LIKE being essentially ACCUSED of doing something WRONG. i am a very moral person and would never intentionally do something bad to someone else.

oh she wasnt ACCUSING me, she was just too scared for a confrontation.

this is the problem with being confrontation avoidant: THE OTHER PERSON NEVER KNOWS YOUR INTENTIONS!!!!!! and it can EASILY be (mis??)interpreted as Hate and Accusation.

went to gym 2 days in row, only got 760 calories today hahahaha.

like i said, exercising to burn calories SUCKS. its MUCH more efficient to “just” WATCH WHAT YOU EAT. count fooking calories.  all food is FULL of fooktons of calories. and you dont need NEARLY as many calories as you think. meaning you eat too damn much and you have to make a LIFESTYLE CHANGE to not EAT NEARLY as much. it DOES kinda suck.

if you want NOTICEABLE weight loss, like over 10 pounds, and i was essentially going for about 27 damn pounds, holy shit, exercise alone is NOT ENOUGH. i could never exercise enough to burn the calories from all the food i luv to eat. considering your body needs only a lousy 1700 calories a day, any more gets turned to extra weight. you wont BELIEVE how much youve been OVEREATING until you calculate what you actually need, and then calculate what youre actually fooking eating.

you cant just go and have 4 slices of pizza as an after dinner snack, washed down with 2 or 3 sodas.

you cant have 2 big meals a day. you might not be able to have ONE big meal a day hahahaha. i could EASILY eat 1700 calories in one meal. like going to thai restaurant and eating a whole order of pad thai noodles hahahaha.

or going to chinese restaurant and eating the whole egg roll and the whole sesame chicken and rice.

or going and eating like 12 chicken wangs. thats like 1200 calories right there negro.

i want more training for my job but the people at my job dont want to train me moar! is there anything on the internet or books i can buy to help me with my job where my higher ups dont want to train me better or help me?

yeah it just sucks when you cant even explain something, because you dont understand it yourself. it was so frustrating and i got so anxious and worried and eventually tried to understand everything. but there was so much and it was so complex; and new stuff kept being added; and stuff was spread out and you couldnt even find it; so many unknown unknowns. i could not handle that all day.

well for a while i DID. then as my confidence regarding HER started decreasing, so did my confidence about the job. it was STUPID.

i just cant go back to a damn CALL CENTER where its you JOB to answer ringing phones all day, with confusing problems you have to fix on every call. its not just do this for me please. its what the fook is going on here? and you dont damn know! and the “subject matter experts” you work “in parallel with” are actually just giving you the most half assed “advice” in a chat room and making you BEG to escalate shit you cant figure out. retarded.

so yeah i hated the anxiety, hated the ringing phones, hated all the uncertainty, that you never knew what you were gonna get next, hating not knowing what i was doing, feeling like an incompetent imposter, and that ths was the punishment i had to suffer to make 15DAH. and SHE got me into this hell. and NOW she is turning away from me, leaving me, when i needed her.

was i TOO needy? yes and no. the fact that i was in one sided luv with her meant that i would always need her more than she needed me. but over time she got worse and worse at giving even a little.

CALL CENTER. yikes. i have like ptsd over that hahahaha. going into the call center and seeing the little cubicles and people on their headsets, all the people on calls, getting weird stupid shit themselves. and you would walk in and your stomach gurgling from coffee and fear about when you had to put on your headset and log into ready mode and start taking calls and what the fook would it be.

and then over there there was the chat people who never answered phones and i was jealous because they never had to answer phones; but they were glued to their screens as they had to help 3 or more people at the same time. so that was a huge tradeoff and the one thing that kept me from begging to be moved from phones to chats. because im terrible at multitasking and didnt want to deal with more than one issue/customer at a time!!!!!!!!

let me find an answer for you, i’ll have to put you on hold for 5 minutes….

5 minutes later…..

well heres what they said, does that make any sense to you? no? ok let me get some more clarification here, i’ll have put you on hold for 5 minutes….

6 minutes later….

well heres what they said about that, that it just couldnt be done. yes i completely agree that is no good. not good at all, but it is what it is. yeah this SHOULD be fixed in a future update. no ETA. probably not next update. in fact it might not be till next year. i’m not privy to their documents but this seems like something that would be low priority for them hahahaha. no you cant talk to the person i was talking it, and maybe he will understand it better if you talk directly to him. well maybe thats true, cuz you seem to understand the issue better than I do! but you sure as hell cant talk to him. he’s just one guy in a chat room and has 20 people like me asking him questions at the same time. is there ANYBODY you can talk to? no…..no not really. there is literally no one you can talk to, other than another level 1 who probably knows even less than i do. that is serious the way this company operates. how do they get away with it? well because most people arent persistent assholes like you hahahaha and they just accept the futility of it all, accept that some things just arent gonna get fixed. ok i have to get you off the phone because its been over 20 minutes and my Quality Team is bugging me about the call length.

the whole environment in the technical support call center is just ridiculous……and i believe we had a pretty GOOD one! as in, above average! i was LUCKY!!!!!! anyway i dont know how anyone, can do this for a living. those damn indians have nerves of steel. you need nerves of steel.

heh. what about emergency dispatchers? i couldnt do that either. yeah gimme 5 minutes im gonna argue with the senior dispatcher to see if i can convince them to send out an ambulance. now just continue to give him 400 chest compressions……

they would rather have us spend 2 hours on a phone call than send out an actual physical tech person to the location…..because it was cheaper to spend 2 hours on the phone than to send out a physical person. even though the service level agreement SLA time target was 20 minutes.

also im angry that SHE could handle the job, and i couldnt.

i STILL get RUSTLED just THINKING about the job. 7 months later. it is kinda like low grade ptsd hahahaha. i would never want to go back to a similar job. the ringing phones. the constant bombardment of confusing problem after confusing problem. the not knowing anything and feeling like an incompetent idiot, which does not make the callers happy. that you cant get good help, and getting shitty help is like pulling teeth. because its a culture where getting help is frowned upon, because helping wastes time and resources and is not efficient!!!!! and efficiency is valued over actually fixing stuff. so then they just call BACK angrier that they got the runaround the first time. welp i cant find the record of that because its very complicated trying to find previous cases, im not that good at that yet, so i cant really PROVE to my higher up that this is in fact a recurring problem. your word is not good enough. at least half of callers lie hahahaha. not you of course.

MAXIMUM RUSTLAGE.

i handled it alot better when i got along with HER.

well, i still freaked out though. i was able to someone just barely hold it together though, when i got along with her. when i stopped getting along with her……i stopped being able to just barely hold it together. and then spilled my proverbial guts out of my eviscerated stomach hahahaha. the guts came bursting loose.

but im mad that she can be completely emotionally immature, even more than me…..but she can also be more emotionally STABLE than me; to not be driven crazy or devastated; to keep doing that super stressful job, whereas i couldnt handle it and had to quit like a neet bitch phaggot virgin. real men dont quit. respectable white men dont quit. hysterical neurotic girly neetbois QUIT. anxious autist virgin r9k neets quit. failures at life. grown men trying to turn their lives around dont quit. and i fookin QUIT. i did it.

i quit the job just like she quit me;

and if she fooked up the job like she fooked up her rel with me, she would have been FIRED faster than she “fired” me. hahahaha i like this analogy yes i mentioned it last time.

i will never understand people who eat BUGS. i dont care if you COOK them and season them. you are still eating fooking beetles and worms and crickets and scorpions and shit, ZIMMERN hahahahahaha.

i have a theory that whites ate less BUGS in their history than nonwhites hahahaha. white people dont eat BUGS. they will eat ROOTS before they eat bugs. eat vegetables and nuts and fruits and grains and once in a while, you capture a squirrel or rabbit and your family has a feast of meat. but no fooking maggot looking mealworms or crunchy beetles with their disgusting insect legs poking out of your mouth. fook you. i never ate an insect and i never plan to.

but women are even more degenerate when they are sluts.

its really the disregard for human life, and the ignorance of their own bodies, which rustles me the most.

they dont realize how hard men have to WORK to get secs, because women can get sex on demand.

I don’t mind that, because that only makes SENSE. but it makes no sense to the women themselves! they dont understand WHY that is! because you can get PREGNANT, YOU IDIOT!!!!!!!!

so THATS why you should be a LOT more careful about secs. i dont care that contraceptives exist. i dont care. it doesnt matter. the contraceptives are degenerate and j00ish because they have brainwashed women into separating the REPRODUCTIVE from the RECREATIONAL aspects of secs.

NORMALLY, in NATURE, secs is Procreational First, and Recreational a VERY distant second….even if it may be a lot of FUN. but adding contraception to that muddies the waters so much. it separates those two functions in a way they were never meant to be separated, and its had horrible effects on womens minds, and thei degenerate sex practices. becoming huge sluts having tons of casual recreational secs, just because now secs doesnt mean pregnant.

IT DOESNT MATTER. its what the act is capable of doing, not how YOURE capable of artificially preventing the act from taking its natural purpose.

 

SHOWING ANY NEED AT ALL IS NOT BEING TOO NEEDY / PEOPLE WHO HATE CHEATING CAN STILL EMOTIONALLY CHEAT

TOOT TOOT!! GR8 EFFORTPOAST COMING THRU!!!!!!!

real australian tier qualitypost here hahaha.

i do honestly believe tbh fam that this post is in the top 20%, if not the top 10% of Raw and Insightful Insight, of Emotion finally losing a bit of its steam to Logic and Rationality and Cool Heads 2 Save the day.

0221

yeahhhhh buddy.

dear person: (gonna try doing this a little more. something about the idea of addressing directly to her. because i have a ton of things i want to say to her, and she has nothing to say to me, and REFUSES to listen to what i have to say, but i can still say it anyway. just not send it to her hahahahaha.)

how could you. i mean COME ON. maybe not 3 years but definitely 2.667 years. close enough. COME ON. didnt you care about me as a person AT ALL? I really thought you did. maybe you did but you just HAD to avoid the confrontation aka communication THAT badly. well thats on you, not me. i cant MAKE you WANT to communicate. i cant MAKE you WANT to show me that you care about me as a person.

i cant MAKE you understand that you thinking i BETRAYED you is unreasonable and not the case. you never WANTED to hear my side of the story. you never WANTED to think that POSSIBLY you might be misunderstanding this whole situation. and then made up your mind to NEVER listen to my side of it. a person that had been in your life for 2.67 years. i just cant understand how you can turn those feelings off like that. i know you were distancing, but i thought there was SOMETHING left there. the memories, and not just that, but the ROOTS, the fact we still saw each other every day and were cordial to each other. couldnt you have just LISTENED to me and said SOMETHING in response to that? how can you just get RID of somebody you knew for so long, and had slowly BUILT a relationship and a foundation with. you cant just throw that away, it doesnt WORK like that. its a horrible thing to do to a person. deep down i think you KNOW this, but you cant bring yourself to even LISTEN to me and to even make a statement about what you feel about all this. i cant keep contacting you because the ball has been in your court for a long long time. plus i need a lot of no contact in order to heal. but you can still contact ME and let you know that you listened, that you cared about me, that you didnt MEAN to TMALAPOG. i TOLD you i felt TALAPOG and it would have been really nice if you responded to that just saying you didnt MEAN for that. but you didnt even do that. didnt even lift a finger. didnt even send an email or a text. and we texted all the time, you text people all day long, how could you not even send ME one text, when we had a long term rel established.

I KNOW it was in trouble and things were bad, but thats no excuse. rights and responsibilities. you cant just give up on a person liek that. thats kind of abandonment. nobody likes to be abandoned. youve been abandoned, you know how horrible it is. dont do that to ME. i trusted that you cared enough about me to not do that to me…..even if we were having problems.

this has left me so confused and devastated. i have so much i want to say to you and you refuse to listen to any of it. i would like to hear what you have to say, but you refuse to tell me. how do you think that makes me feel? how could you not have anything to say to me about this? you obviously have some feelings about it. you dont throw someone away and not have strong feelings about the matter. you have to have something to say to me, so just say it. it would help me process this and get better closure. sure closure ultimately comes from within, but it doesnt HAVE to be so one sided. you can help me out a LITTLE bit. im not asking for a LOT. just give me a LITTLE. i think a 2.67 year relationship deserves at least a LITTLE bit of effort and communication and sharing and respect and caring and not being thrown away and abandoned and forgotten. i cant forget it. i dont think you can forget it either. just share your feelings with me. even if a lot was one sided, you were a part of this relationship too, for a long time. just treat me like a human being and not a forgotten piece of garbage. i wasnt just some random piece of garbage revolving in an out of your life in a matter of months. we were friends for 2.67 years and we got along great and you told me things you’d never told ANYBODY. doesn’t that mean anything to you? just communicate to me that that meant something to you, that I meant something to you. you meant a LOT to me, and right now you’re telling me I meant NOTHING to you. this has devastated me. you dont have to share my feelings. im not asking that. just tell me i meant SOMETHING to you as a person, and that you didnt MEAN to hurt me so much, that im not a piece of garbage to you. cuz im not a piece of garbage, and you, someone who is so important to me, sure treated me like one, and i never saw this coming. there was no warning, no red flags that you would do this to me. i tried to give you big hints that my feelings to you had changed, and im pretty sure you picked up on that. i wish you had just commuincated with me about that. i can handle my feelings being rejected, but i cant handle being rejected on this much deeper level. a human being reduced to a disposable object, a nonhuman. NOBODY can handle that. thats much worse than a standard normal rejection. thats not the way you reject people or end a relationship? what say you? NOTHING? ive never experienced this before.

ending a relship is always painful, but ending a relship this way is 100000000 times MORE painful. i have reached out to you to please choose to act differently, meaning simply just write to me and tell me how you feel, tell me i mattered, tell me youre listening to me and thinking about this, tell me i didnt betray you, tell me our friendship mattered, that i mattered, that i have worth and dont deserve to be thrown away.

/end for now hahahahaha

that kind of shit. see i already feel .5% better hahahaha.

i need to learn to SELF SOOTHE better, to calm myself down and convince myself that everything will be all right, i can handle this, i can get through this.

thats how you get confidence and my confidence is REKT right now. i dont feel i can DO ANYTHING.

that awful job didnt help. i prob could have kept my confidence up if she werent there. but the double whammy was too much. she eroded my confidence to nothing, and i needed a decent amount of confidence to do my job. which was constantly solving weird problems where i had incomplete information and unknowns all the time. but i needed to project confidence and say yeah i got this, ill fix this. i just couldnt even fake it any more. fake it till you make it they say, and that was very true here. but it got to the point where i just couldnt even fake it any more. faking it was not helping me make it. i couldnt fake it long and hard enough to the point where i finally made it.

well, i started to. but then shit hit the fan with her. and this was the type of job where the new stuff never ended. it was a constant stream of new stuff. you couldnt just learn the stuff and then rest on your laurels. the new stuff just kept coming all the time, you were always like a babe in the woods. you had to KEEP faking it till you made it on the new stuff. i guess what im saying is there was too much new stuff. i couldnt get a handle on it and that drove me crazy and weakened my confidence and competence as well.

im not very mature, i am very emotional, hysterical and neurotic like a damn woman….but do women HAVE to be SO bad? SO immature? i was way more mature than she was here. except for my hysterical emotions harming myself, basically K’ing myself symbolically in a way.

like if women are so emotionally immature they can totally destroy someone emotionally and be emotional infants…..how the hell can they continue living their lives, ie doing their damn jobs for 50 hours a week and not getting fired or quitting?

i mean there is talk in the Alt Right that women should have never been given the vote, becuase theyre basically not emotionally mature enough to vote. i just dont know.

they’re not emotionally mature enough to treat people well and handle normal relationships, thats for sure!

but they ARE emotionally mature enough to handle a stressful confusing job 50 hours a week and not get fired for completely fooking it up?

but they definitely fook up relationships and other people?

i mean if she fooked up her JOB as bad as she fooked up our rel, she would have been fired on the SPOT, just like she “fired” me on the SPOT.

and really the job was a lot HARDER and more complicated and confusing than a damn rel. all she needed to do was communicate with me a little bit. and the job involved communicated with many people all day on many complicated confusing unknown issues. you can do THAT but you cant talk to ME at ALL??????

see it continues to boggle the mind.

basically if you can do that job, you are probably intelligent or stable enough to vote, i would think.

i dunno. i just struggle a lot with the idea that Women are too Emotionally Immature to handle Relationships. and that you as the man have to take ALL the responsibility to guide and lead them at ALL TIMES. i know men and women are different, but is it really THAT bad? shit i can lead and guide 75% of the time, maybe even 90%……but during TOUGH TIMES, i NEED a little reassurance from the woman. can’t they put in even 10% of the responsibility in a relationship?

i had a dream last night with woman2012 and it didnt really bother me at ALL. i would like to get to that point with woman2015 and i suppose i will. by 2019 hahahahahahahaha. in the dream i saw her and she was like yep im just really busy with work, working 2 jobs, this is my one day off to just kinda recharge, cuz otherwise i’m ALWAYS working, 60 to 80 hours a week, its intense.

i was just thinking, i would need a LOT more than 1 lousy day a week to recharge!!!!!!!!

basically i would try to recharge the second i got out of work, to the second i had to go back to work…..and it wasnt enough. i didnt have ENOUGH time to recharge even for a damn 40 hour a week job! cuz the job took THAT much out of me, and i wasnt ABLE to recharge when i got home. i wasnt REALLY “recharging”, i was just CONSTANTLY WORRYING about the job, even when i was OFF of the job. also i was worrying about other stuff too, like her. who i would see at the job every day. but i couldnt get her to hang out with me outside of the job. any more. i used to be able to.

i used to be much more confident and masculine and cool with her.

but i wish that bitches wouldnt BAIL on you the SECOND you lose frame and start showing even a little bit of weakness or need. then you’re TOO needy.

showing ANY NEED AT ALL is not being TOO NEEDY, bitches!!!!!!!

you were in a damn 4 year secsual monogamous longterm rel with a man and lived with him!!!!!! you were mature with HIM, why couldnt you be mature even just a LITTLE with ME???? where we also had a long, good, relship? just because it wasnt SECSUAL??? it doesnt matter! we were still close and intimate in other ways!!!!!!

well this is a red flag in itself: that she is SEEKING intimacy with OTHER MEN WHILE she is with another guy:

she was essentially EMOTIONALLY CHEATING on HIM, with ME!!!!!!!!

That is still a weird thought to me.  because i am so AGAINST cheating in all of its forms, but i never thought of it like that.

i would have been angry if i was him, for her to be making Good Friends with New Guys and hanging out with them. but then again i am the jealous type, and i would expect to be Judged As Wrong for being Mad about that. she can hang out with whoever she wants! its not like shes CHEATING on you!

so i was focused on the possibility of physical cheating, that i didnt really think about emotional cheating.

and what she was doing to HIM with ME, Was arguable Emotional C H E A T I N G.

i dont think she realized it; i certainly didnt realize it; because she hated cheating, and i hated cheating, and i was so happy we agreed on that.

people who hate cheating can still emotionally cheat.

you can still emotionally cheat even if you dont realize youre doing it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am just realizing that NOW, 7 months after shit ENDED with her.

was she emotionally mature enough to realize she was on the thin ice of potential emotional cheating? OF COURSHE NOT!!!! absolutely not!!!! she was and is a nice person who would probably never willing cheat, but she is also ignorant and immature and frightened and dumb and confused and wrong, so………that will be a problem for all of her good intentions.

it should NEVER be underestimated that her use of the herbal j00 is also emotionally compromising her and confusing her. shit i am confused enough WITHOUT the stuff. that is a big deal, a big topic, and im of two minds on it. i luv it, but its love hate. i recognize the cons, which MOST people who partake do NOT, and live in DENIAL of the serious cons. like her. she would be in denial.

i thought it was kewl and great that my Perfect Angel and I could one day cuddle together and Blaze It Happily Ever After. that would have been a good pro. but it was not to be. and in fact it probably just made her MORE emotionally immature and emotionally retarded and emotionally wrong. easier to convince herself of the retarded conclusion that id betrayed or wronged her; and also that stuff enables you in AVOIDING CONFRONTATION. which she did NOT need any extra enabling on. it makes you AVOID RESPONSIBILITY, AVOID doing the right thing, makes you morally weak, even if you have the best intentions. i say all this from personal experience too! been there, done that, got the tshirt, literally wasted YEARS of my life on MJ and regret UNTOLD amount of potential and opportunities wasted because of it!!!!!! yet i am STILL drawn to it because it makes music better and gives you Calm Warm Fuzzies once the Anxiety and Dread wears off. but it probably makes you more anxious in general even once you quit it.

no not all MJheads are like that…..just me. hahahaha. plus i think a lot of people are in DENIAL. heck its easy to be in denial because you want to keep enjoying it.

anyway you think a WINNER like The DON is smoking MJ every day? fook no, he doesnt even DRINK. his brother threw his life away on drinking btw.

tl,dr: the MJ is ABSOLUTELY clouding her mind and judgment even if she doesnt think it is, and ABSOLUTELY had some role in why she did what she did to me. HURT me. intentionally or not. MJ makes people with good intentions do bad hurtful things they probably wouldnt otherwise do. fook yeah in that way it is destructive. i destroyed myself when i was younger with it; and with it she destroyed our relship. don’t believe the j00 media’s LIES that it is a Misunderstood Medicine.

No. W33d is For N1993rs. Have some SELF RESPECT hahahaha (line from american history x hahahaha)

i can say all this because i’ve been there, i’ve PAID THE PRICE. oh lawd have i EVER. you only learn this lesson long after the fact.

heh. love hate. like whose afraid of virginia woolf. see they hateloved each other. they hated each other all day every day, but at the end of the day, they loved each other enough that neither one of them said IM DONE! IVE HAD ENOUGH! and just walked out on the other.

call it an unhealthy attachment or codependence; i call it loyalty and true luv hahahahaha.

because their unhealthy codependence showed that they were still committed to each other on some level. no one was about to ABANDON the other. they wouldnt THINK of it. so this WILLINGNESS to still be with one another, means that with Healthy Communication (which they did not have!!) they might have resolved their hatred for each other, and dealt with the death of their son in a mature, healthy way. EASY PEASY.

so yeah its telling that THEIR relship was imho way BETTER than what OUR relationship turned into. all because of her unwillingness to communicate, or commit essentially. she de-committed from me entirely. i had no IDEA the EXTENT she was decommitted. I thought she still CARED about me on a fundamental level, underneath all the anger. and her inability and unwillingness to show any caring…….was more than hurtful to me, it was DEVASTATING.

google how to deal with abandonment

i mean the other women who left me, sure they DISAPPOINTED me greatly, but i didnt feel this sense of total abandonment. its amazing what one little talk can do in that regard.

oh its not abandonment because……i was too naive and needy and immature to get too attached.

SO THAT DOESNT MEAN YOU GET TO BE SHITTY TO PEOPLE.

its not really shitty, its all in your mind that its shitty. i was just done with the rel, its YOU who THINKS its SHITTY. thats all in your MIND.

THIS is why i want to take this to dr phil court of rel law and have them PROVE thru the EVIDENCE that YES it WAS shitty and YOU, she, is GUILTY OF BEING SHITTY. Guilty of an Honest To God Relship CRIME.

like oh i cheated on my husband but thats not shitty, its all on him for GETTING MAD about it. he doesnt HAVE to get mad. its a matter of PERCEPTION. if he learned not to get mad about his wife being nonmonogamous.

see how this is a slippery slope to absolve yourself of ANY responsibility? NO its NOT ALL PERCEPTION, SOME things are GENUINELY shitty and this is one of them! you cant just do ANYTHING to anyone and blame it on THEM that they are PERCEIVING it.

well they CHOSE to get MAD about it.

because YOU HURT THEM!!!!!!!!!!!

I might try to read this somewhat awesome seeming post aloud into my recorder so i can use it as a spoken word voie recording affirmation to listen to at the Gym or elsewhere. the main things to remember:

i dont care how emotionally immature women are supposed to be. they have to have a LITTLE responsibility. she did not even show a LITTLE responsibility.  the situation was hopeless.

it IS not just a subjective matter of perception. there is right and there is wrong, and what she did was very WRONG. damn moral relativism is a big reason i Left the Left. there is actual morality. it doesnt need to be religious per se, but right and wrong objectively exists, and can be measured and judged. and abandoning a friend of 2.67 years while they ask you to talk to them, and you just block them and leave them, is wrong as hell.

its a very fooked up thing and it would legitimately HURT ANYONE. it would hurt a confident normie quite a lot and turn them into a needy underconfident neet. and it hurt me even more. also i was not expecting it. there were red flags from her, but NOT indicating THIS. i had no indication that something THIS bad was just about to happen.

this takes time to get over, at least a year, but with no contact, and maybe some more writing of letters directly to her, i will eventually get over it and STOP wanting to be with her, and become available to have feelings for other people. where i will use the lessons i learned here, to have a decent rel with them. lessons like, communicate about feelings very early and very often. interrogate them with direct questions like a damn police detective hahahaha.

ok.

that feel when you should have lost at least 1 pound during the week but you have only lost .4 pounds in the past 7 days. BUT i can “lose” like 3 pounds a day, prob due to Water Weight and Coffee Weight. you can lose a POUND just by URINATING. get up in the morning, take a 2 pound P1ss, and THEN weigh yourself hahahaha.

dear person: i hate how you can just SIT THERE and MOVE ON with your life like you did nothing wrong. you want to get fooked by exciting new guys from tinder? you never used to be a whore. now you are. but whats just as bad is that you cant even ADMIT that what you did was WRONG. you dont even CARE about the karma. and i thought you cared about karma. we talked about karma. i thought you truly understood karma. well you didnt, regarding me.

i saw you be kind and loving and giving and committed and loyal and how you TRIED with other men. i thought you would TRY with me, to at least treat me like a valued friend. try not to hurt me too much, try to ease my pain. but you didnt lift a damn finger. just say you acknowledge that you hurt me. dont blame it on me and my perception. what you did was wrong and hurtful regardless of perception, because its undeniably wrong to treat a PERSON like an OBJECT like this. to treat a person as worthless. to treat a friend of 2.7 years as worthless is even worse. it doesnt MATTER that i got feelings for you. and also feelings are not a BETRAYAL! they just happen sometimes when men and women are as close as we were for as long as we were! we were close and intimate in a way! you shared some emotionally intimate things with me. i didnt share as much with you but i shared a little. and i appreciated your trust. i never betrayed that trust, never would. and getting feelings is NOT betrayal. i didnt have ulterior motives. i was just a friend who got feelings after a long time. i dont know entirely WHY i didnt get them earlier, well it was because you were dating somebody, and i hate cheating, and i dont like the idea of breaking people up either. i didnt LET myself get feelings until you were done with him. and remember i didnt encourage you to break up with him, like i wanted to get with you! i encouraged you to TALK TO HIM and work it out! like you should have done with ME!

and i think you DID talk to him and try to work it out, like you should have done with me, but DIDNT!!!!!! at least with him you communicated and determined the relationship could not be saved, and ended on much better terms.

didnt you WANT to end things with me on GOOD TERMS? I wrote to you and asked you, please lets end this on good terms!!!!!! and you said NOTHING! how could anyone not want to end ANY relationship on the best terms possible? why would you want to spend your life hating someone? and now i am spending way too much time being upset with you and how you ended this! and i blamed myself too, a lot. do you think i deserved that? to blame myself as the bad guy, for making this happen? I didnt MAKE this happen!!! i wish you could UDNERSTAND THAT!!!!!! i wish you could understand your role in this, and just say or do something to show me more respect and kindness. yeah you MADE me feel bad, because you showed me NO respect!!!!! when you disrespect someone, it hurts them!!!!!! i never disrespected YOU like this!!!!!

just show me you CARE about me! you cant stop caring about a person like this! you used to care about me! you can STILL care about me as a friend even if you dont share my feelings! im still the same person! care for that person! me! i didnt change at my core, just my feelings towards you did! yeah i KNOW thats uncomfortable and weird for you, its a little weird for me too! but dont PUNISH me for it! read this article which explains that its normal and natural for men to develop feelings for their female friends or vice versa. didn’t YOU ever get feelings for a male friend? how would YOU react if they did to you what you’re doing to me now? you would be quite hurt i guarantee it!!!!

dear person: another thing i was upset about was how you treated me like i did something horribly wrong. so naturally i felt like i did something horribly wrong and i felt very very bad about that. i didnt WANT to do anything wrong, especially not to you. i was shocked that i could do something so wrong completely by accident. i was desperate for a way to make amends to you and show you i was sorry. but i also disputed that i actually did something that wrong. one friend getting feelings for another really isnt a crime that needs to be punished. its not a horrible thing or a form of betrayal. its uncomfortable and weird and awkward sure, it can lead to the end of the friendship sure, but its not a horrible thing that you need to blame and hate the other person for. in fact this just makes it worse for them! if i could choose not to have these feelings i would! i didnt want to complicate our friendship like this! but complicating the friendship is not the same as me committing a malicious crime and deserving hate.  yes i understand how you could view this as a kind of betrayal or something you should hate me for, like i was lying to you or hiding something from you, or that i had a dual intent or hidden motive from the very moment i met you. i understand that. but i swear on this entire rel, on everything that is sacred to me, on the white race, that this is just not true. my feelings only started after you broke up with your long term boifran. maybe if you were available when we first met, i might have gotten feelings earlier. i just cant say. thats not how it worked out. maybe i was forcing myself NOT to have feelings, because i respected the integrity of the relationship you were in, i respect all long term relationships inherently, because i hate cheating and i think monogamy is the best. i wanted to see your relationship succeed with that guy.

would i have gotten feelings if you two stayed together? if you got married? i cant possibly say. even if i did, i wouldnt try to interfere with your relationship. i just dont do that. i have too much respect for the institution of marriage and long term monogamous relationships to ever interfere in one.

anyway the point is, its not a CRIME to get feelings and there are much different ways to react. please try to put yourself in my position. i didnt ask for this. but sometimes feelings just happen. you cant really choose who you get feelings for, or choose to turn those feelings off or on. the best thing you can do is present the feelings openly and talk about them. it affects us both because both of us are in this relationship. a friendship, especially a close and good one, is definitely kind of a relationship. i just wanted our close friendship to be even closer, where we could share even more things with each other. this would involve me sharing more of my own self than i have done before.

what if you got feelings for someone, and they treated you like you committed a horrible crime against them? not only would your feelings be rejected, but how would you feel if they treated you like a monster just for GETTING feelings for them?  its like rejection on top of rejection, insult on top of injury.

its not wrong to get feelings. it matters what you DO with those feelings. if you break up somebodys relationship with cheating, thats obviously wrong. if you lie to the person and pretend you dont have feelings, thats kinda wrong too, though not nearly as much so as cheating. there are degrees of wrongness here. cheating is super wrong, not being forthcoming about your feelings is just a little bit wrong. also, sometimes you are afraid of showing the feelings because youre afraid of rejection. it takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there in the face of rejection like that. so i dont think its WRONG to feel hesitation and fear there. especially when you might not be JUST rejected for your feelings, but you yourself totally rejected as an inferior, horrible, shitty person doing a horrible shitty crime. which its NOT.

http://www.hsperson.com/pages/1Aug08.htm

not entirely relevant article, but it does talk about the experience of sensitive people feeling difficult emotions.

ive told you i can be sensitive and have strong emotions. i know this is not manly so i try to not share these feelings too much, or to make a conscious effort to be less emotional and more manly. but sometimes its just too much to hold back. like now.

anyway its not inherently wrong to get feelings for another person even if youre already IN a relship. its what you DO about this. here, the right thing is to probably stop seeing that person, and to work on your relationship with your partner.

this is not the greatest example because i was not in a relationship. but you were. but i didnt HAVE the feelings when you were. it was only when we were BOTH not in a relship that my feelings came on.

however also at that same time i suspected you might have started dating another guy. yeah i messed up because i should have just asked you about this. and also told you about my feelings as soon as possible.

but then things ended with him really quickly. i mean everything was moving very quickly, too quickly for me to really keep up. there was a period between june and october where everything was moving very quickly and was all jumbled and confused.

i dont know. maybe you thought i was being sneak and scheming and waiting until the perfect moment to strike, and felt i was some kind of sneaky predator in that way. all i can say to that is i swear on the white race i was not scheming, and basically my feelings were starting at the same time your relationship with the second guy was ending, and yeah i should have talked to you more about that, but it all happened pretty fast. it was the timing. just general timing of your life and my life and the things going on for each of us. the timing was not great. meaning when i finally got actual official feelings for you…..you might have been “single” but you were definitely emotionally unavailable because things had JUST ended with the second guy. but if you could start dating a guy so soon after a 4 year relationship, i guess i thought maybe you could date me in short time after a 3 month relationship.

so yeah i wasnt waiting for the perfect moment to strike. because the timing of everything was just bad. however i KNEW we had to talk about this already. thats why i was always bugging you to hang out. really i was just asking you once every 2 weeks, which i dont think was bugging. and also we used to hang out, so it was a fair assumption that we would hang out again. really i wanted to TALK about everything, the tension that was starting to brew.

yeah i can understand how you were frustrated with me, but please put yourself in my position and see that im not a horrible person, i didnt do a horrible thing, and i dont deserve to be treated like this, and that to be treated like this is extremely hurtful. i have been heartbroken before, but never this bad, this long.

yeah i was bad and afraid to communicate and the timing was bad. you can blame me for being afraid to communicate, but arent we all afraid to communicate sometimes about stuff like this? also i dont think i deserve to be blamed for just getting feelings. also i think that being afraid to communicate is not such a crime that it warrants being punished by being completely abandoned. mayeb you are just afraid to communicate with me the way i was afraid to commmunicate with you. okay thats fine. but give me SOMETHING. write me emails the way i have written you emails. ask me to hang out the way i have constantly asked you to hang out. then we could TALK about this in a stress free environment. but why were you avoiding me for so long? if you were mad at me, couldnt you just have talked to me rather than dumping me in this awful way? see how i cant stop writing you long emails? its because i have so much i want to talk about, but cant. cant you please just write me a long email at least, if you are afraid to talk? its ok to be afraid. but please try to break through that fear. even a big coward pussy like me can at least write emails. and i eventually told you how i felt. and i was consciously trying to give other signs, like texting you more, and telling you how important you were to me, making you mix cds, being more intimate in the way i talked to you, basically acting like someone who had feelings for you, because i did!!!!!! i KNOW you noticed a change in my beahvior! that change was entirely because of, a result of, a symbol of, my new feelings for you!!!!!

so you ended it in such a harsh way because you felt betrayed by me. but listen to me please, try to see how this might not be a betrayal, how much this hurts me, how i NEVER wanted to hurt or betray you, and that you have the power to change this, by just talking to me. i cant do it alone. if you can accept that i didnt betray you, then you can be more compassionate to me in the ending of this rel.

and the only way we can work through this idea of betrayal, is to talk about it. but i dont feel i am being heard or listened to or empathized with at ALL.

/end for now

QUOTE

[–]mib5799 2 points 1 year ago
This is the problem with relationships.
No communication.
A little bit of proactive communication would have answered this before it happened.
Here’s the ACTUAL answer.
Cheating is breaking the rules.
What those rules are in your relationship? I don’t know. And because you never talked about them, NEITHER DO YOU.
Everyone else here is answering what they believe, which is why the answers are all over. They’re telling you their own rules, which are not yours.
Communication is the only way out of this. You have to talk to your partner about what’s going on, and where the limits are, and where you’re at now, and where you’re going.
This is the only real solution.

END

http://thecoupleconnection.net/articles/how-to-have-a-good-breakup

QUOTE:

The more direct you are, the more considerate you’re likely to be. Imagine a scenario where you break up with someone by avoiding them, or drifting away, or even putting all your flaws on display in the hopes that they’llbreak up with you.

Not only would that show a lack of compassion on your part, but it’s might also make things harder after you breakup. So, while ending a bad relationship is sometimes the right choice to make, it really is worth trying to do it as kindly as possible.

While it may seem harder, being direct is a much more compassionate way to leave your lover. Be clear that you want to end the relationship, and show your soon-to-be-ex-partner that you care how it affects them. It won’t be entirely painless, but you’ll have a much better breakup as a result [1].

END

[1] Sprecher, S., Zimmerman, C., & Abrahams, E. M. (2010). Choosing Compassionate Strategies to End a Relationship. Social Psychology, 41(2), 66–75.

http://my.ilstu.edu/~czimmer/Sprecher_Zimmerman_Abrahams_2010.pdf

full text of article BOOM!!!!!!!!!

no fooking bustle or frisky or collegetimes or thoughtcatalog women are wonderful BULLSHIT that tell you you do whatever you want and be a fookin narcissist with no regard to the mans feelings. but fookin phds in relationships. yeah i know phds are just as pozzed and degen as The Frisky hehehe.

but really there is nothign super great in the article and it is written in the shitty way of an academic article hahahaha.

https://about.illinoisstate.edu/sprecher/Pages/Research.aspx

dr susan ((((sprecher)))) phd might have some other stuff worth reading tho

Close Relationships Research Laboratory? Sign me up for a PHD with my new Favorite Faculty Adviser! illinois state phd here i come hahahaha.

http://www.iarr.org/

international association for relationship research hehehehehe find some more phds like docker sprecher

Compassionate love. L. Bormans (EDs), The world book of love: The knowledge and wisdom of 100 love professors from all around the world. Lannoo publishers (2013): 64-65.

scholars writing articles for a “non scholarly” book. basically just what i am looking for.

http://www.theworldbookoflove.com/en

http://www2.hawaii.edu/~elaineh/71.pdf

sprecher, measuring passionate love, the Passionate Love Scale oh lawd

i could call her on her cell phone number which she lists on her CV hahahahaha

NO im not gonna do that, i hate making phone calls hahahaha BUT mainly because the very idea is ridiculous and creepy and im not THAT fooked up!

Sprecher, S. (1994). Two sides to the breakup of dating relationships.Personal Relationships, 1(3), 199-222.

yep there are two sides hahahahahah. i just want her to feel a little more pain hahahaha like i am. but i dont want to be the one to hurt her. i want her to WISE UP and realize for herself that she was WRONG. i did NOT betray her and she should NOT have done this!!!!!!

how do you clear up misunderstandings? the two people NEED to TALK. maybe even with a marriage and family therapist. which i was willing to do hehehehehe.

she wants ME to feel bad for…..well she wont tell me exactly, but for being a cowardly communicator, and for a sense of betraying her.

i want HER to feel bad for abandoning me.

maybe i am misunderstanding her just as horribly as she is misunderstanding me. i didnt betray her! well she didnt abandon me!!

oh lord i thought i had made some progress today, then this…….

this is EXACTLY why i want the Court Of Relationship Law to hear the evidence and render a VERDICT.

we are both misunderstanding each other. difference is, i am dying to understand, i am dying to talk and work towards an understanding. she is not.

i want to hear her side of the story. she does not want to her my side of the story. and yeah i very much WANT to tell her my side of the story. she does not want to hear it.

i wish i could throw people away so easily and get on with my life!

NO I DONT. i really DONT want to get so RETARDED AND WRONG that i cant even discern betrayal correctly, and i never want to be able to treat people like fooking garbage objects.

i mean BETRAYAL is a heavy ass thing. when in doubt, i would just assume its NOT betrayal, that its probably just a damn misunderstanding. i dont even think what she did to me was betrayal per se. i am willing to view it as a huge misunderstanding. why cant she do the same for me? especially when what i did was so much LESS worse hahahaha. its just being afraid to talk about feelings. everyones AFRAID to have a difficult conversation. she avoids the shit like the PLAGUE. she avoided me every time i invited her.

1008 calories consumed today, 908 calories burned at gym hahahahaha. = 100 net calories and a big WARNING from myfitnesspal.