HAVE SOME RESPECT FOR HUMAN LIFE AND THE PROCESS THAT CREATES IT

april 27

http://www.relationshiptalk.net/blocked.-no-break-up-no-closure.-silent-treatment.-stonewalling.-853786.html

http://archive.is/Jf0pc

because this site has ….. in its URLS which is NOT a best practice, they should talk to a center of excellence. how do you get hired if you dont KNOW best practices?

well they cant check everything. weve got metrics and deadlines, we cant check everything on all of our candidates. still a god damn computer science grad should know better. i dont think they are hiring shaneequa jankins to build this website. well, maybe they actually ARE. like i say, the incompetence and shoddiness of Business and the Work people do is SHAMEFUL. and frustrating. and mind boggling.

april 28

going to take drug test, i took small #1 and only expelled a portion but hopefully not too much. this shit is so stupid.

like i say its shameful you cant trust the companies you pay for service, to give you good service.

how is this anything new or shocking? its not, but it sucks when its your job to give that service. the customers are rightfully angry, you are flustered and angry, because you want to help them, but you cant figure out how, and your company is very unwilling to give help or permission because you found a way to pull a GOTCHA on the customer. you signed the contract goy.

and telling you work faster. i dont know HOW, but figure out a way to work faster. streamline your workflow. talk to other people on your level. trim the fat. cut corners.

well when i

ok took the drug test, they were very nice and professional and didnt seem to hate their lives or jobs. they probably had husbands and children. the cup i urinated in was very fancy and looks like it cost the US taxpayers a lot of money hahahaha.

I wrote my resignation / quitting / giving up email to the recruiter saying nope sorry cant start at the call center on monday, but as a sign of good will and i’d like to work with you in the future, here’s some inside information on whats going on at my old employer, and heres a list of 30 fooking names of people there, who could very well be interested. Gave them names, linkedins, and some personal emails too. I said PLEASE keep me anonymous/confidential. also said the managers might want to help but might have their hands tied. the Big Boss will very likely be of no help. so maybe try talking to a level 1 and see if they can give you any more names and contacts.

assuming what other peoples jobs will entail because nobody knows how to do their jobs, and I have to know Everything About Everything,

YOU HAVE TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT EVERYTHING.

I googled to see if there was any business news about layoffs at the company, and found a facebook page visited by people who work there. a bunch of familiar names. everyone was joking around with each other and trying to be funny. including That Woman. Her profile picture was not discernable. it was fuzzy and blurry and dark and couldnt see her face thank god. and of course i could not click on it. I was not signed into facebook, i have been deactivated for 9 months, remember hahahaha.

still i was not happy to see her Handling Everything Well, laughing and joking.

I was angry and jealous that she was able to WITHSTAND and SURVIVE and the job did not bother her as much, and because of this faces a promising career in help desk bullshit. when I cant even stomach the idea of going to another call center and doing another stupid tech support case. she is strong and i am weak. i was jealous of her for that. why couldnt she help me and give me some of that strength to carry on.

so yeah she will have no problem getting a new job, and would probably not think twice about going to this new call center. she would say yeah it sucks but gotta pay dem bills and go to work. just suck it up and do it. whereas I go crazy and think oh god its gonna push me to my breaking point and im not gonna be able to HANDLE IT!!!!! because that has happened before.

fook its happened to her before. I just wish it happened to her here. or recently hahahaha.

But yeah I included her name and email in my list of people to the recruiter.

and after crafting this email with 30 names, hand picked linkedin links, emails, lots of in depth analysis and thought, i say this is probably confidential, and she replies with a 1 sentence thing saying they already know about this, its not confidential, sorry you can’t make it, please feel free to give us referrals.

I JUST GAVE YOU 30 NAMES!!!!!!!

I met the woman in person and she was nice but I think she is just an idiot on email.

So I sent the email as well to the younger, probably more email savvy recruiter.

so what if you already know about this? who’s on your list of names? I guarantee I got you some new personal email addresses. a thank you would be nice hahaha.

cuz its very possible word has gotten out and the people here know about the recruiter and the recruiter has been talking to them……but its equally possibly that no. people are just keeping stuff like this secret. it was kind of a secret keeping place. and cliques and such. I gave them names that covered ALL cliques. even people I didnt particularly like. people that might be fooking That Woman hahahaha. because nobody there deserves to be DOWNSIZED.

watch they contact HER and tell her I gave them her email hahahahaha. when I blatantly said PLEASE keep me ANONYMOUS.

heh. i just hate thinking of her moving forward with life and me staying STUCK just like i have been STUCK for 12 years hahaha.

and that I was just dead weight and toxic to her, that her life was better with out me.

we all have Toxic People who are best to cut out of our lives. Bad influences that drag you down. you’re better off without them. Or we have at least known people like that at some point in our lives.

its TERRIBLE for your confidence and self esteem, when YOU are one of those people for someone else!

when THEY are a very positive influence in YOUR life, and you are a very NEGATIVE influence on THEIR life!!!!!

and you’re stuck on them, and stuck in life, and they move upward and onward in life! and they cant help you nor do they want to help you. I imagine seeing her again in 5 years and she is making 100 grand a year and i am making 10 grand a year and she is like oh how sad, welp have a good life loser! sorry not sorry! thats what you get for making bad decisions and being a weakling who cant handle work! maybe if you werent such a cowardly pussy!

hahaha well YOURE the one who was cowardly to ME and YOURE the one who fooks deadbeats you fookin whore hahahaha. in an ideal world, I would be making 100 k a year because you cant even spell YOURE right and youre a horrible problem solver in Technology, how the hell did you get promoted to manager.

well im done with all that. i sent them a bunch of names and emails and linkedins, including HERS.

then in 10 years she will look back and remember me as a pathetic sad loser who couldnt cope with life and she is done hanging out with losers, he was an ok guy but DAMN was he a SAD LOSER, sorry not sorry, I just dont need that, i’m a successful winner, dont let anyone bring me down.

rather than remembering me as a good person who was once her good friend and we got along really really well.

which is how I will remember her. damn. a good person and we got along really well and it was really SAD how it all ENDED.

and now she is coping with the place closing very well, very mature, having a positive attitude, joking around with all the coworkers she gets along very well with. i think about how she is doing all the time, and she never thinks about how I am doing hahaha.

i think it upset me just to go to that facebook page which was kind of set up as an unofficial place for employees to bitch about the company, quite rightfully. MIGHT NOT be the best idea to put your name out there so that anyone can see it though! also it wasnt super in depth. there was like less than 5 posts and nothing too harsh or emotional. just people making light jokes like they weren’t losing their jobs.

and i was upset just to see HER NAME there, evidence of her making one insubstantial remark on this page, like you are the best team ever!! smiley.  and i would see her name, her talking, her picture of some dark blurry blob and thank god not her face, and I would get angry that she was still working there, she was doing fine, she was handling adversity well, she was friends with her Team Members, and she doesnt give a FOOK about me, her once good friend that she just walked away from without a word. And that I still cared about her and she couldnt care about me LESS.

I can look at other people’s names that work there, but just seeing her NAME as posting on facebook was very TRIGGERING for me and I wish I hadn’t even seen her NAME. evidence of her out there in april 2016, interacting and socializing and coping and surviving and carrying on like a fookin normie, struggling and winning rather than struggling and LOSING.

EVERYBODY struggles. just some people win that struggle and others lose. bit by bit. you have wins and losses. and at some point one starts to outweigh the other.

basically it is just too much to see evidence of her existing post our big falling out. I still want her. I dont want her enjoying life without me. I want her to be upset about me. In the sense that something of value was lost. I want to MATTER to her even just a LITTLE bit. I want her to think of me like I still think of her.

its gotten better though thank god, after fookin 9.6 months, but seeing her name on facebook is still enough to trigger me.

i wrote a hugeass reply on despairforums, coming back from hiatus there:

http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/topic/112371-30-and-hopelessly-alone/?do=findComment&comment=1280052

QUOTE

Thanks for the update. I have been on hiatus from the forums unfortunately.  I can relate to that feeling, I have long felt alienated and an outsider and a misanthrope etc. Like in Dostoyevesky’s “Notes From Underground,” the famous narrator, “I am a sick man, I am a spiteful man…” etc, haha.  But I also feel like the world is more “sick” than I am, we live in a fallen world and people are no good, etc. Yeah it’s pretty rough!

When I was at my best, I still had pretty extreme and unpopular beliefs, but I also got along with everybody pretty well, was friendly to people and they were friendly to me, and I thought it was kind of funny that they had no idea that I had some pretty far-out political and moral beliefs.  Also, I think that our “far-out” beliefs do have a good kernel of basic common sense to them that nobody would really think is weird, for example: Men and women are different. Different cultures are different. Try to do no harm to others. Try to be an honest, decent person. Treat others as you want to be treated. Try to do the right thing. Don’t be a d1ck to people. Show respect for yourself and others. Don’t lie, cheat, or steal. Don’t use people like objects. Realize that it’s great to be rational and logical, but unfortunately people are irrational quite a lot of the time.  Just very basic, simple, obvious common-sense lessons any reasonable person would agree with. So I try to find common ground with people on things like that.

Unfortunately it can be hard to do that if you are not very social, or have a bad work situation, which unfortunately are not uncommon situations for us despairing introverts, haha. I think if I were working an average job with average people, things would be a lot better. I could enjoy holding my “extreme” beliefs, and also enjoy not feeling like a total outsider, stranger, alien, weirdo, etc. But having an average job with average people is, again, a very tall order. I have not been working for months and that has certainly affected own self-respect and confidence in my ability to do just about anything: talk to people, figure out problems, “act normal”.

I don’t have any advice and I would hate being given unsolicited advice! I am just sharing my experience. I have held pretty unpopular beliefs for a while, and have been at personal high points and low points regardless of those beliefs. At the low points I felt my beliefs were really extreme and alienated me from other people. At the high points I was able to have a better perspective on it all, and find some basic, but important common ground with people, in terms of those Basic Life Lessons I mentioned above. Then I might use our mutual agreement on those issues to start carefully discussing things that might not be so popular. This is what I mean by “hiding your power level.”

Also it can be discouraging to view your own beliefs as being “anti-everything”…..even if that’s kind of what they are. For example, like you I am very anti-SJW, anti-feminism, anti-PC, all that stuff. That’s all fine and I will always be anti those terrible things, haha, but I started use less “anti” language, and saying here’s the things I stand for. Or viewing yourself as a “Neoreactionary” or an “Anarcho-Capitalist” or “Radical Traditionalist” or “Nationalist” or “Alt-Right” or “Alt-Left” or “Hoppean Paleolibertarian” hahaha, or whatever might be a sensible “label” that doesn’t involve the word “anti.” I guess this presumes a comfortability in associating with a label, which once I was not, but now I am. More or less, haha.

For a while I was hardcore MGTOW but ultimately it was just too bleak for me, as I personally could not stomach the “avoid all women” aspect of the most extreme MGTOWs. I simply value women too much and struggled to find an “appropriate” view/perspective on women. Feminism sure wasn’t it, but the most extreme modern MGTOW wasn’t much more hopeful for me. I mean the stuff like artificial wombs and “2D Waifus” and such.

Basically I came to a more traditional view which hardcore Mgtows would definitely call “White Knighting”, but it’s a much better belief system for me to live with. Maybe I am closing my eyes to reality, taking the blue pill, or maybe I am creating my own reality, haha.

Some men have no problem not dealing with women at all whatsoever. So for them, extremist MGTOW makes sense and doesn’t give any inner conflict. For someone like me, though, who would like to get married and have children someday, I needed a belief system that was more in line with my personal desires and goals.

For me, a general transition from Libertarian MRA toward Rightist Nationalist Traditionalist was very useful. This is definitely not a one-size-fits-all approach though!

And since I don’t interact with people every day at a job any more, that increases my sense of isolation and “weirdness.” In other words, I feel like a “weirdo” within myself.

It would probably help to have super close friends that you can talk about these things with, and they can reassure you that you are not weird…..but I’m guessing most of us don’t have those kinds of close friends! It would probably be nice though. I have had close friends at points in my life where there was that sense of “intimacy,” and I remember it as being a very good, supportive thing.  And it kinda sucks to want that kind of connection with somebody but not have it, then sometimes you seem “desperate” in wanting it, and that is even more frustrating, etc etc etc.

Anyway, posting on these forums is a good substitute for that I think.

I have been absent from this forum and also from my “weird, extreme” political forum for a few weeks now as I have intensified my job search exponentially, and that’s been a positive change. Accomplishing more actual tasks, and less time on the forums. The forums are GREAT, but I think it can reach a plateau of usefulness after looking at it too much.

I just sat down and started blasting out resumes and cover letters and applications, making a game out of it, trying to beat my “high score” of how many I could accomplish in one day. Starting off small and working my way up. As I did that every day, I began to get more “Streamlined” in terms of managing my 600000000000 documents, resumes in 20 different places, the most efficient ways of searching indeed.com, most efficient ways to job search basically.

This actually resulted in some “progress” on the job front, which while it hasn’t led to a job yet, did boost my confidence a bit, and makes it seem more hopeful that I am capable of getting a job.

I have noticed that Call Center jobs seem to be relatively easy to get, and often have full-time openings and a wage higher than $10 an hour, haha. A staffing agency basically handed me a Technical Support Call Center job on a silver platter, quite decent money, but…..I would caution that the Call Center environment can be absolutely excruciating and hellish beyond one’s wildest nightmares. My last job was in such a setting and I simply cannot fathom going back to anything remotely like that. I think because the call center is such a universally-loathed environment is why there is such availability of jobs in them.

I would not recommend such a position to any of us on this forum unless at the absolute rock bottom of desperation.

I felt bad turning down a well-paying job that so many people would be very happy to have. But something “smelled fishy” about the company, and I’m just not desperate enough to take a job in a call center, thank God.

Some people actually have better-than-horrible experiences and could testify Not All Call Centers Are Like That. Good for them I say, but I just don’t want to take the chance at this time. The time may come where I am not so privileged, but until then, I will pursue other types of jobs.  Just saying if you get super desperate and want to try something challenging, you could find a “tech support help desk” job easier than other jobs. Some fortunate people are able to turn it into a decent career. It helps if you are very strong and confident emotionally. Unfortunately, I was not.

What I would do is build my Indeed Resume and use that to apply to as many postings on Indeed as I could. I have one Master Resume in a text file which I copy and paste to all my other resumes as needed. The master resume is super long, having everything and anything. I know you are only “supposed” to have a one page resume, but I always send them the Big Resume first. If I get an interview then I will bring them the Long Resume AND a condensed one-page resume. I only had one interview, and it was a very informal interview with a recruiter. I think that was better than a proper interview with a company, less pressure. Another recruiter offered me the high-paying tech support call center job WITHOUT an interview, just looking at my resume. That was part of what I mean that the whole situation was “fishy.” Turns out the company has a terrible reputation and is a revolving door of employees all saying it is the worst place in the world to work.

On the Indeed “Quick Apply” jobs you submit your Indeed resume, and there is a box for a cover letter (optional.) In this box I copy and paste a one-paragraph “statement of interest” where I fill in the company’s name Talent Acquisition Team and play around with business jargon and BS. Stuff about being a motivated self-starter ready to hit the ground running and add value to your team in the Machine Operator position. Include name, phone and email here as well.

Gradually I find ways to improve my resume. So I go back to the Master resume, then copy that back over to my Indeed resume.  Also I began experimenting with LinkedIn. So I copy the Master Resume to Indeed and to LinkedIn.

Of course a lot of jobs aren’t even posted on indeed. Stuff like City, municipal, county jobs, hospital jobs. I make documents and notes and lists of all these places so I don’t forget to check them.  I use sticky notes on the computer desktop, and use Notepad++ for all my Word Processing needs because I prefer working with txt files and then just copy and paste them wherever needed. Also it allows me to have 15 documents open at any given time: master resume, short resume, 1 paragraph cover letter, 3 paragraph cover letter, ongoing job search notes/journal including all the places I’ve applied to, unofficial transcripts, list of references with addresses phones emails, a couple letters of recommendation I’ve been fortunate enough to get, a list of companies and websites NOT on indeed, the biggest employers in the city, the biggest employers in the county, a place to copy my sticky notes when I get too many sticky notes. Basically I need a lot of documents open. One could do the same thing with Word or Notepad or Open Office or whatever you want, I just wanted something to quickly access a lot of different documents easily. I sync all these to my Google Drive so I can access them anywhere if needed.

Also double check if you are able to get any official college transcripts online. I only had unofficial transcripts but then I checked the college websites recently and discovered you could download an official transcript as a PDF, complete with official seal and signed security certificate, so that’s an easy but useful thing to have.

Then I save all emails regarding confirmation of applying to an Applied Jobs Folder. Save all rejection emails to a rejections folder, hahaha. That is definitely frustrating, but I guess it’s better to get a rejection email than absolutely nothing at all.

I have been applying with any staffing or temp agencies in the area I can find. They have made me take some online skills tests.

Sometimes it gets ridiculous. I was invited to take an “assessment test” for a pretty low-paying part time job. There were 30 people in a room on a Saturday morning to take a 100 question multiple choice test that took me almost 2 hours to complete. I have no doubt some people walked out because they thought the test was overkill for the actual job, but IMHO it was better than a call center. I am being invited back for a second round of tests for that one, haha. This is all before even having an interview.

So yeah, it’s funny that I have taken a number of assessment tests online, some in-person assessment tests, several urine drug tests, sent out dozens of resumes, cover letters and applications, and had one actual job offer (call center)……but I haven’t had a single real interview. Except for an informal talk with a recruiter who said they might have a data entry job for me. I am hoping for a call back on that one. Not a call center!!

If I had any courage I would do it old-school style: get a list companies in an x-mile radius and just start CALLING them on the phone. Is the manager available, Are you hiring people right now, Are you accepting resumes, hi my name is bla bla and I am available immediately to hit the ground running and help your team be more profitable, I’d love to talk to you about how I may add value, bla bla. And then just spend all day making phone calls and calling people. Unfortunately, I am very phone-shy and have not tried this. If you have no problem with the phone though, it’s definitely worth a try.

I also went to the thrift store because I wanted to look for a “new” suit coat. I was able to find something pretty good for a low price. Wearing that to my “interview” with the recruiter definitely was a confidence booster, and really confidence is the most important thing to have. Which I don’t, so I have to fake it, so anything that makes it easier to fake it is appreciated.

If you can get a tailored suit from men’s wearhouse or something with perfectly matching coat and pants, that would probably be ideal, but there are workarounds for that, haha. Also I have heard that a plain white dress shirt does better in interviews than a dress shirt with stripes. I think this is probably BS though, haha.

Reading articles on LinkedIn Pulse and TheMuse.com and that kind of stuff can be really good for developing your ability to speak the BS Language of Business and give you powerful words and phrases to use in your resume and cover letters and interviews. After a while it gets so frustrating you have to stop reading though. I don’t recommend taking that stuff too seriously, but I also don’t recommend getting angry about it like I often do! “What kind of people talk and think like this! This is SO STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!” hahahaha.

Finally, I have a “what to say during the interview” file where I write everything I could possibly say in an interview that makes me sound like a winning Team Member. This includes lots of copy pasted stuff from articles on Linkedin and Themuse.

For my quasi-interview with the recruiter, I condensed this 100 page document down to 2 pages so that I could bring it with me to the interview and remember to say it.

Basically my goal is to get a new job and put a terrible, confidence-destroying year behind me, where I kind of had a breakdown, lost the job, got heart broken, felt like a real screw-up and loser.

Of course a job is no cure-all, just like a woman is no cure-all. But I think a decent job, as well as a decent relationship, can go a long way in building one’s self-confidence, and when you are totally devoid of one or both, it can really destroy you confidence. Believe me I know how impossible it is to get either one, I’ve never really had either one!

Anyway it sounded like your previous job was not a healthy environment, just like my previous job was not a healthy environment. In the short to medium term, it’s bad to be out of a job, but in the long term, if we can possibly find a better job, then it will all be worth it.

Of course, I worry “what if I DONT find a better job, and can only hope to find a WORSE job?”

Those are the kind of thoughts I really have to fight.

Anyway I think if you (or I, haha) can find a halfway tolerable new job, in your case not with a stupid d1ckhead manager and in my case not in a horrible stressful call center, that will greatly increase your confidence and you won’t feel like such a “weirdo” for your beliefs, and will find it easier to find basic common ground with people.

Keep us posted!

END DF POST

then a guy responded with a beautiful friends first story and how “the perfect woman had been right there in front of him this whole time. we have been married for 17 wonderful years.”

so I responded with:

DF POST

that is a great story of how you met your wife. I am a huge fan of these “friends first” stories because I think it is a very good way to begin a strong, long-term relationship. An ideal way, for me, at least. Unfortunately, “friends first” also has its pitfalls, such as the “friendzone” or in some cases, bitter and sad heartbreak, haha.

I don’t take the “friendzone” as seriously as some, because to me it’s a non-issue. If I express feelings and they say sorry, let’s just be friends, then I would more than likely work to “peacefully detach” from the person, because IMHO, a real and healthy friendship simply cannot exist when there is such an imbalance of feelings. If I had a female friend who had one-sided feelings for me and I was putting her in the “friendzone”, I would say something like: Yeah, the friendzone is BS, because I know you don’t want to be just friends with me. I appreciate this is a real tough situation for you, and it’s probably best if we spend some time apart.

In other words, I just don’t understand these friendzone situations where one person is pining for months and years…..and the other person is ok with that. I would not want to be on either side of that.

And I have to share my horror story as well! Here, the Friendzone would have been very preferable! I was very close and got along very well with my female friend, just as you did. It took a long time, but I eventually developed feelings for her, and really hoped it would work out, because we knew each other so well, and for a long time, and had a good connection, and knew and trusted and supported each other. Unfortunately, she was horrified or disgusted or just completely overwhelmed that I had feelings for her, and she walked away without a word as I desperately begged her to please talk to me. It was the complete opposite of “let them down gently”, hahaha. It more than broke my heart, it turned my world upside down, and has taken a very long time to even make SOME progress in getting over it all. The fact that we were good friends made the ultimate heartbreak even worse, as did the harsh suddenness of the way it all came crashing down.

I guess this is the risk we all take in making ourselves vulnerable and offering our heart to others, haha. Sometimes you are the bug and sometimes you are the windshield, haha.

But I still love the idea that men and women can be friends and then gradually develop into something more. IMHO, it’s much more beautiful than the “hook-up culture” where people get physical very fast, and go through the motions of a relationship over the short-term, and go through a revolving door of shallow, short-term relationships, never really knowing the other person before getting bored and discarding them. (And in many cases, are rejected before even reaching the point of short-term “dating”!) It is a beautiful thing to build a long-term relationship from a basis of mutual respect and appreciation where you already have a real friendship with the person.

So thank you for sharing a story of success here, just to give some hope that it can happen! So far I have only experienced the very negative side of this, but would very much like to have an experience like yours.

END DF POST

hahahaha.

ASKING FOR HELP AT WORK / NORMIES GONNA HATE THE DESPERATE

apr 25

uh it takes at least 250 days of not seeing and not talking to the person to even get over the hump. to start feeling cautiously optimistic that you can get over them one day. 8.4 months. hahahaha. so, not a full year…..but not half a year either!!!!! close to 9 months. the amount of time it takes for a baby to be Grown. think of it as Your New Life being Grown. but it takes time to develop before its ready to be born.

i am certainly not over it, but I might be 51% over it and am closer to Acceptance than ever before. I mean I have pretty much accepted it. I still want to be with her, but I know it will never happen. I still want her to contact me but I know she wont. I occasionally want to have casual secs with some cute waitress or woman I see at the fatclub but I certainly dont want to Date anyone, and I am totally Emotionally Unavailable hahahaha.

according to the fatherland podcast, tattoo “artists” used to have a code of ethics where they wouldn’t do a tattoo on your face, or neck, or hands, or just really weird and extreme places. they’d say we dont want your money trash, go to a ni993r place in the GHETTO for that n1993r bullshit. but now everyone has damn neck tattoos and sometimes even face tattoos and white tattoo artists outside of the black ghetto are more than happy to do them.

neck tattoo is prob the most prevalent, like bullshit on the side of ones neck. i guess getting shit on the front of your neck is still considered truly extreme.

i mean I think all tattoos look like shit, its not a proper white thing to do, its for prisoners, gang members, bikers, and polynesians. I will maybe make an exception for military, and in appropriate place no less. the most appropriate place being your upper arm. anything easily covered by a t-shirt. no neck, no leg, no face, even “sleeves” are a bridge too far.

IN GENERAL, tattoos are degenerate and I will prob never get one. Although I briefly thought of getting a white race related tattoo on muh arm hahahaha. like a big fookin swastika, see this, it means NOT WELCOME hahahahaha. your kind is not welcome here.

no i mean maybe a kolovrat to emphasize muh slavic luv…….but really? do I really want to put a kolovrat on muh body for the rest of my life? (its like an 8 sided swastikaish thing hahahah that i think also represents the Sun)

Really the best thing for me would be the 14 words because I believe in the 14 words wholeheartedly and hope I never stop!!!!! but I dont want to get a phrase of words tattooed. maybe just the number 14 but even that seems a little gay. not worth defiling your body.

so yeah when ever i see a white person with tattoos, i judge them and am disappointed. And I used to / still do enjoy a lot of degenerate music where the white metal musicians have lots of tats.

but some metal people have no tats. i like them better hahahaha. they are more my style. like varg vikernes never got tats, because he knows the deal. tats are degenerate and not what decent white people do.

but plenty of decent white people DO have them because its FASHIONABLE now. and of course plenty of trashy white people too.

i mean i have friends with tats and I dont really care. I just secretly wish they didnt have the tats hahahaha.

and of course tats on a woman is a huge disappointment. i liked that That Woman didnt have any tats because from her Tough Background, she is exactly the type of white person to get tats. but she chose not to. kinda like she had all the risk factors to become a slut. but she chose not to. I figured this signalled moral strength and courage and good judgment. which it did. she just really screwed up with me hahahaha. doesnt mean she’s not otherwise a wonderful, beautiful, very marriageable person wawawawawwawawawawawaaaaaaa

but yeah I dont need a tattoo to tell people I’m a White Supremacist hahahahaha. my words and actions should hopefully prove that. no that doesnt mean I commit or condone “hate” crimes or violence. It means I shame race mixers and that I will never race mix, thats all. And I will make it clear to the women I Casually Sex up that I disapprove of race mixing and if they are open to it, I will disapprove of THEM. because I don’t want white women having nonwhite babies. PERIOD. FULL STOP. no further explanation needed.

I DONT WANT WHITE WOMEN HAVING NONWHITE BABIES.

white men for that matter too. like these weak cowardly cucky beta leftist men who get with ASIAN women. come on bro. not cool. have a little SELF RESPECT. dont you think you can do BETTER than that? asians? really?

i would maybe bang the cutest asian just for novelty, but I would never date or have children with. besides theres not a lot of cute asians. I just dont fooking GET it.

i dont want white women having nonwhite babies, and if that makes white women hate me, so be it. there are SOME white women who share my values on race mixing is bad.

well ok what if blacks mix with mexicans.

i dont really CARE, but its probably not good for them either, and if hordes of black mexican mixes begin living in proximity of unmixed whites, then i DO care.

I am a White Racist, White Supremacist, White Nationalist. DEAL WITH IT.  (sunglasses meme hahahaha)

so now I have sampled all 3 deafheaven albums (but not the demo) and I might like sunbather LEAST. new bermuda sounds very promising. the drums sound better than on sunbather, so you can really tell that the drummer is very good, which is important for someone that plays so many blast beats.  Really blast beats are a get out of jail free card for me. you can be as faggy and hipster and marxist as you want, but as long as you arent scawed of scawy bwast beats, I’ll allow all fagginess. and they are definitely not scared of blast beats, using them generally MORE than I ever expected from such a hipster group. or a 10 minute song where the first 4 minutes are basically all blast beats. come on. that is hard to criticize, unless it is just straight up boring, but its not. they might know how to write a song rather than just pasting riffs together. if anything the riffs arent quite CATCHY enough for me.

some haters find them formulaic and boring. maybe they are formulaic but at their best I dont find them that boring.

but I sympathize with the haters, and I dont doubt the raging deafheaven FANS are a horrible cancer.

but yeah basically they have enough blast beats, and a good drummer, and good songwriting, for them to get away with some fagginess IMHO. probably including them looking like beta leftist hipsters.

its definitely a young mans thing. I mean everyone in the band is younger than me, probably in some cases significantly so. and really no need to have a nonwhite guy in the band now. but i am sure they are antiracists hahahaha. even though the singer arguably dresses somewhat like a fascist hahaha but he would deny that and say fascism is horrible and racist.

heh. now I am kinda wishing I had gone to see them when they played a headlining show near my town in a decent club. i bet there would be some good white hipster metal sluts there for pump and dump hahahaha. who are willing to give short unmasculine guys a turn on the ride.

my ideal woman does not listen to metal or to hipster indie stuff. basically something nonweird. That Woman had pretty good taste in music IMHO which was part of why we connected so well. no I wont out her any more by describing the taste in music. but no extreme metal, no hipster indie garbage, nothing too weird. but a woman who appreciates 90s rock and 70s rock, well I can very much appreciate that.

I used to think the ideal woman would be a big tom waits fan. Because tom waits is undeniably awesome. but now I wonder if tom waits is just too WEIRD for a normal noncrazy woman to be interested in. I also fell in luv with one gurl who loved tom waits, and while she was not a slut thank god, she also had no interest in me and was weird and there was a lot of disappointment and shame there for me.

however its good if i introduce a woman to tom waits and she likes his less weird songs.

country music is ok, even modern crap like….brad paisley, i dont know. shitty n1993r degenerate dance shit like drake or whatever, not cool. even nickelback would be better.

really basically i’m looking for a woman that likes nonweird, normie stuff that isnt blatantly shitty. fookin black metal, tom waits, or hipster indie bands would be considered too WEIRD.

I learned at some point that Bisexual Girls are BAD NEWS. Sure as a young man you think its HOT, cuz you are addicted to “LESBIAN” porno degen, and even I cant deny the attraction of having a Three Way with 2 cute gurls. I always wanted to do that at least once in muh life, but it’s not looking probable unless I hire two hookers, or charm some REALLY slutty crazy sluts at a bar or club.

I learned that this is something only CRAZY gurls do. NOT the type of gurls you want to marry, date, or have children with. its just a sign of BATSHIT CRAZY. which is ALWAYS BAD. STAY AWAY for the long term. i guess pump and dump in the short term.

but yeah. dont feel happy when the gurl you are fooking is bi. if anything, you should be looking for a gurl who is somewhat DISGUSTED by any Homosinuality. but good luck with that, all women are all about the gays. women love gay men but watch how they feel about LESBIANS. if they are like i just dont GET lesbians, that’s a good sign.

women will always love gay men. deal with it. just like they will never come out and say they dont like race mixing. just look for a woman with good actions and good character, meaning, she doesn’t PERSONALLY engage in lesbianism or race mixing. its too much to ask them to understand WHY its degenerate and wrong. women cant into sexual morality hahahahaha. but SOMETIMES they still live a sexually moral life, even if they will never understand it. if you can find that, wife the girl up.

and i found that kind of woman and she rejected me brutally wawawawawawawawawaw

i’ll admit it. i did too much degenerate shit in my youth. more than normies, more than more successful, well adjusted people. I looked at too much porn, took too much MJ, drank too much, had a very very bad nihilistic degenerate attitude, and all this, for too long, twisted me into the pathetic lonely loser omega male I am today hahaha.

but I thought it was COOL to REBEL by MJ and drinking. NOPE. WRONG. IT WASNT.

have one resume thats as long as possible. have that be your main most important resume that gets trickled down to everything else.

then when you have an actual interview and have to bring in a resume, bring in and send them a One Page resume, a condensement of your 3 page resume hahaha.

this will prove to your gods that you are the ideal candidate for a 15 dah job all those fast food fight for 15 people wish they could be valuable and smart and good enough to get, but they never will be. go to college losers hahahahahaha.

i mean go back to college and get a stem degree hahaha.

never cuddle with a woman in 10 years, from age 22 to 32 hahahaha.  we are not talking about age 70 to 80 hahaha.

asking for help is FROWNED UPON in the real working world. you get labeled as the Weak, Layoffable, Unlikable, Stupid Loser Deadbeat if you ask for help. this is why people dont want to ask for help. because asking for help is BAD. undesirable. figure shit out on your OWN. WITHOUT help. asshole. weakling. virgin. weirdo. failure. hahahaha.

the best way to do this is bullshit like you know what you’re doing, then if you get called out for doing it wrong, apologize profusely and say you thought you have figured it out correctly. apologize some more and make a big show about how you were wrong and how you are writing down the right way now.  IM WRITING THAT DOWN RIGHT NOW SIR!!!! WONT EVER HAPPEN AGAIN!!!!!

Or if you absolutely HAVE to ask for help, tell them youve been trying to figure it out for 10,20,30 minutes, whatever seems prudent, and you tried this this and this (3 things) and you think that the unknown unknown MIGHT have to do with this topic but you just dont have enough information to make a decision, and would greatly appreciate any advice from someone smarter and more experienced, I think the answer is in this direction, but I have no way of proving it or knowing that and I’ve already wasted 30 minutes of the clients time, can you help me help the client and value their time and our company time better?

THATS how you ask for HELP. make it about the MONEY, and give at least three pieces of evidence on how you are not stupid and how you have initiative. but all the initiative in the world can’t will unknown unknown information into existence.

Or just be a woman under 30 and people will bend over backwards to help you even if you are stupid as shit and have no initiative.

linkedin. i cant believe i spent so much time on it without puking in disgust at those phaggot phonies. dicksuckers.

i have been a lot more profane and vulgar lately, its a way of blowing off steam and anger about that woman, jobs, job search, failure, everything. i still think being profane is for trashy and subhumans, but I get a pass because its better than me doing stupid things out of anger. so i call everyone phaggot joo n1993r k1ke commie joo fooks all day. i cant see the person clearly without my glasses but i can see they have dark hair and are acting really obnoxious and annoying, so they’ve GOT to be an albanian or an arab. fook them. fook off back to albania or iraq or syria or arabia. YOUR KIND IS NOT WELCOME HERE.

I was thinking white sluts could be used as brood mares for white neet men who cant pull a decent white woman for marriage. that way we could create more white children. but they would HAVE to be adopted by decent white people to be raised up good.

turn the white trash mudshark sluts into a whore caste, so neets could get sex and become more confident and virile and better able to pull a decent white woman.

but married men should not be using the whores.

and maybe the whores could be brood mares, but they should NEVER be raising the children themselves.

lots of complications there as you see.

like how do you keep the married men away from the whores? do you identify yourself to the state as married or a neet?

in an all white country, the government would be more trustworthy, but the people would be more trustworthy too, and wouldnt need a powerful, large, authoritarian government!!!!!!

and really social shame would enforce shit like this, so married men wouldnt WANT to go to whores, and whores wouldnt WANT to raise children.

in my whitopia I would not frown on asking for help at work. I’d say good job my lad, i’m glad you’re asking on how to do quality work for our white company, because we take pride in our work and emphasis quality over speed. we know having a well-trained workforce is a win win for the workers, and for the company. so im glad you asked instead of figuring it out wrong. here’s the right way to quality check the production server. that’s the heart of business operations so we dont want any mistakes, so I ‘m glad you asked. we need 100%, and 90% is really as bad as 0% in this case.  I also just recorded a video of me helping you and will put the video on the intranet for everyone else to watch and learn.

i went to one boy scouts meeting when I was young and for some reason decided not to get involved. i dont know why the hell not. I think I was too young to have gotten into any of the degenerate shit I soon got into, which would make me call the boy scouts gay and faggy and lame and weak and stupid. but maybe I just thought everything was STUPID anyway. or maybe I got socially anxious around the other boys because they were bigger and older and tougher and i was scared they would bully me! i just dont know, i cant remember.

what Im saying is that if I became an EAGLE SCOUT I would have turned out a lot better hahahaha. Eagle Scouts make great white men 99.9% of the time.

also, doing ROTC during college would have been a great idea.

and doing a stem degree hahaha.

and never smoking MJ or drinking.

and maybe just going to prom with some ugly bitch hahaha.

EARLY INTERVENTION is the key to solving ones problems hahaha.

I started taking some paxil at age 20 or so, that was a step………..

but I soon STOPPED that and continued drinking and MJ. bad move!

Then I started taking paxil again around age 25 or 24 and haven’t really stopped. but at first I was DRINKING like a fish, I mean the paxil made me able to drink more and more and more without getting sick. and I thought it was supposed to DECREASE your alcohol tolerance. for me, it INCREASED it.  BAAAADDDDD move.

http://www.forbes.com/sites/dailymuse/2014/02/14/how-to-train-people-to-ask-you-fewer-questions-and-figure-things-out-on-their-own/#264b1837de63

I know i linked this at some point

https://www.themuse.com/advice/5-strategies-that-will-turn-your-employees-into-leaders

hehehe its funny how i read the muse, a site designed for WOMEN trying to be TUFF in their CAREERS.

great. i am taking CAREER ADVICE from a 20 YEAR OLD GURL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! who has a better resume and a better job and makes more money than me, as an undergrad at harvard.  oh sorry….creative writing major at colgate univeristy ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! are you KIDDING me?!?!?!?!?!?!?! she should be working at MCDONALDS!!!!!!!

also yeah its ok to struggle a LITTLE bit and try to figure stuff out on your own……..

but what about when that is your whole day, all the time!

and, more importantly, time is VERY much of the essence, because you have someone on hold who wants this fixed NOW and doesnt want to wait 20 extra minutes while you teach it to yourself?

and also your quality people will come bitching to you if you are taking too much time?

I don’t have the TIME to struggle and figure it out!!! I need the answer NOW!!!!!

So I learned just to give AN answer FAST, even if it was bullshit. so I could buy myself more time.  and have more bullshit to say when I DID ask for help and try to get the shit escalated.

https://www.themuse.com/advice/3-times-you-actually-should-quit-the-job-search-and-take-a-breather?ref=recommended

thanks sara mccord ya fookin hr recruiting skank penisbreath whore. whoops that could be considered slander. take a break from the job search because you are angry as fook and calling everybody n199er fooking whores and phaggots. hey i am desperate as fook and these jizz guzzlers are giving me a job on a silver platter with no interview. maybe that means its the shittiest job ever and they want to inflate their numbers and commissions. they dont care that the job SUCKS for ME.

http://archive.is/MbhdT

actually i think the muse has a very insidious bad attitude and you should not read it. basically will make you feel hopeless because you will never be good enough to get a 15 DAH job. but you know that shitloads of people at your old job making 17 DAH couldnt live up to these bullshit standards written by 21 year old gurls with Human Resource Majors.  horry SHEET. FOOK THEM.

basically they expect you to know or figure out unknown unknowns and say this is what i need to know, when you dont know what it is you need to know!!!!!

i figure shit out with google. but googling how to figure things out does not lead to one SINGLE good article. I have written better shit on the topic on this very fookin blog!!!!!!!! and I dont know shit about shit!!!! Im just BULLSHITTING!!!!!!! but bullshitting is a useful skill too. and if i am a better bullshitter than I think I am…..that’s good. I will thank GOD for that BLESSING.

HAVE MORE CONFIDENCE IN YOUR BULLSHIT hahahahaha.

thats what I say in interviews. my main weakness is that I was worried my bullshit wasnt good enough. But I am actually a pretty good bullshitter and can get people to believe my bullshit! including fookin sellout phaggots like you!!!! ya fookin normie cowards!!! I bet you are a terrible wife and mother, because you believe the bullshit on themuse.com!!!!!! go cheat on your husband with sexy black idris elba, ya fookin b1993r fooking whore! I dont care about your bullshit masters degree!!!!!!! your an idiot! Im way smarter than you, with my 101 IQ!!!!

hehehehe theres that anger again.

also its not enough to figure stuff out on your own.

you need to figure it out RIGHT, and FAST. and on your own, hahaha.

that is some stressful shit to deal with 50 hours a week!

its like taking a test where you have to get 100% and you get  berated for every question you get wrong, even if you get 90%, and you have nothing to study, and the worlds shittiest instructor, and every day is nothing but a test, there is no instruction or homework to train you, you just take tests the whole time and are expected to get 100% and then you try to teach yourself the things you THINK you need when you are at home.

why arent there any books or articles on the fookin internet that deal with this reality of the Working World that ALL successful adults have to deal with? why is it such a big fooking SECRET?????? why wont anyone tell me? why wouldnt SHE tell me her secret to doing the job??!?!?!?!??!

fooking n1993r fooking whores.

http://www.math.utah.edu/online/1010/figure/

ok heres a pretty good one:

https://www.scotthyoung.com/blog/2015/11/23/figuring-things-out/

schools are terrible at teaching you how to figure things out. but this is one of THE most valuable skills you can have in the workplace. i thought schools were supposed to prepare you to be a good productive worker.

http://jamesclear.com/getting-simple

some shit i put in my interview file, where some of it is copied from the above article:

//////

I AM GOOD AT FIGURING THINGS OUT ON MY OWN. I DONT NEED MY HAND HELD OR GET STUCK WHEN THERE ISNT A LIST OF CLEAR, DETAILED INSTRUCTIONS. I AM GOOD AT FIGURING IT OUT ON MY OWN AND TAKING OWNERSHIP OF THE TASK. (i wrote this one hahaha)

//////

Welcome to the grind. It’s time to put in a volume of work. Not just once or twice. Not just when it’s easy. But a consistent, repeated volume of work.

In the words of Ira Glass, “your taste is good enough that you can tell that what you’re making is kind of a disappointment to you.” You’ll bridge that gap between what you know is good and what you can produce yourself by putting in the reps.

This applies to so many areas of life. (from the james clear article)

I PUT IN THE REPS. (paraphrasing lesson in my own words.)

end paste

PUT IN THE REPS SON.

or just say that you do even though you dont, and make those k1kes believe your bullshit.

homeschool your children so they develop actual, legit intellectual curiosity, ie, the drive and initiative to figure things out on their own. this is one of the top 3 or top 2 Work Skills. the other is communication. the other is Customer Service and People Skills.  all technical skills are a distant second. or fourth hahahaha.

but yeah its hard to figure things out right the first time, fast, and right. and to bullshit like you know what youre doing. you think SHE was an expert bullshitter?

you didnt even really need to be a bullshitter. like my male friend. he had no problem saying when he didnt know something and made no effort to ever bullshit. because constantly bullshitting is, for me, EXHAUSTING. its ALMOST lesss exhausting to just research shit at home so I can figure out a nonbullshit answer…..if that is even possible.

anyway I would recommend not reading the muse.

well you have to develop your sense of bullshit though. and that site is FULLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL of the bullshittiest bullshit you will ever see. so maybe it is good.

it WILL make you want to go on a punching people in the face spree though.

how come normies arent angry and anxious all the time from their 50 hours a week at WORK? how come NORMIES arent run ragged trying to figure weird shit out all the time? how do NORMIES have time for their families and their hobbies and their children and their bitches? how come NORMIES arent always on the edge of a breakdown?  why wouldnt the people who knew shit share their phaggy secret with the people who were desperate to know? because desperation is weak and everybody hates it.

yea well i have great sympathy for the desperate. I am desperate. it SUCKS to be desperate but IT HAPPENS and I appreciate that. everybody hates the desperate but I dont. I luv them.

all these fookin normies hate the desperate. normies and winners and nonvirgins and women and managers and everybody. NORMIES GONNA HATE.

well GOD FORBID THEY ever get desperate one day. Jeez i thought everyone has felt desperate once in a while. yeah well they sure dont act like it. nobody loves you when youre down and out. laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone hahahaha. no one is gonna help you. figure it out yourself hahaha.

fact is, she probably didnt have any big secret she was willfully hiding from me on how to keep your cool on the job. there was no big secret, and i was just paranoid. she was naturally a chiller person and didnt care as much about doing a good job. she jsut said whatever cant help you and listened to her music. and people would be WILLING to help her because she was a pretty gurl.

fooking n1993r fooking whore hahahaha. i have 3 times the college credits she does hahaha. i have better people skills and problem solving skills than her. i can communicate better. i can bullshit better. i am smarter. i am better in every way hahahahaha.

and now i have to PROVE it by staying at this job for 1 year hahahah. god damn. these god damn punishments and penances and repentances I have to constantly do. am i not done paying the piper yet?

had dream last night where something like the legions of satan were conquering the earth and killing all life in hellish ways hahaha.

well there was another maybe separate dream where I was cuddling with Crazy N199er Fooker Mud Shark Crazy Bitch Former Woman6 who I cant remember what her name is now. Woman2008 or something? i had a dream about her not too long ago.

she was trash but if she had just behaved like a nice gurl, should would have been totally dateable, and it would have been fun to cuddle with her and wife her up if she were a totally different person. namely, not a dirty crazy mudshark with a bitchy, annoying personality. if she were nice, not a mudshark, not crazy, not a bitch, and not a high number slut, and was more willing to give me a chance, rather than just show interest in me for a brief time and then get bored of me, looking for more exciting guys for the c0ck carousel.

she was cute, too bad her personality and morals sucked and made her a garbage person.

well thats not fair, she’s not THAT bad. if she came to me now all old and even more used up, i would gladly bang her. regardless of how many n1993rs shes fooked.

i mean she is prob still good looking, and i certainly imagine her ass is at least. great ass on that butt slut. im sure she likes it getting sodomized by n1993rs and sleazebags she just met, getting hepatitis and syphilis and grids, fookin dirty whore. use a god damn rubber, you disease dumpster hahahaha.

I use this ugly language to channel my anger and disappointment and frustration hahahaha and butthurt. its worse to bottle that shit up!!!!

i was sort of friends with her, but I knew she was bad news, yet i still wanted to bang her, but she was always busy and never wanted to hang out with me. i was never a priority for her. she was interested in me for about a week and was less bitchy with me, but still. never wanted to hang out, never wanted to make plans. her stupid excuse was that plans were not spontaneous enough. cuz she might want to go out to some party or club that night. or she might not be in the mood. yeah well how about you get in the mood for me, bitch hahahaha. when women are into you, they’ll make plans if you want to make plans. also i thought because she had fooked 100 guys by age 21, that maybe I might have a chance too. Nope. she only let masculine tough guys fook her fat ass.

anyway point is, i didnt like her prsonality that much, and I was much much much much closer and better and longer friends with woman2015 than I was with woman2008, who was very very very insignificant in comparison.

i would have given her the chance to become more than insignificant though. she wasn’t willing to do the same for me though. hahahahaha. fookin n1993r fookin bitches. absolutely disgusting degenerates.

hey I only dislike women if there’s a valid reason. likewise, I only LIKE them if there’s a good reason.

most women I am neutral towards, or not very optimistic. sure i have high standards but most women fall far far far short of even reasonable standards. they HAVE to be able to do better than that. Even if I had low standards, they dont ever reach those.

cant they just be moderately disappointing instead of RIDICULOUSLY disappointing?

do they have to be so EXTREME in their disgustingness, degeneracy, immorality, disappointingness?

can’t they be just a LITTLE bit shitty and not a HUGELY RAGINGLY SHITTY??? in other words hahaha.

well woman2015 is not hugely shitty, she is a good person who just did one thing that was very hurtful to ME alone, and part of that was I just cared too much.

but yeah that other woman was much more ridiculous, far far less decent. she could have been decent if she tried even a little bit. but it was just one bad decision and disappointment and sin after another with that whore. she was actually kind of smart too. i dont put a lot of weight on women being smart. id much rather they be not as smart, and a decent person —- like woman2015, than smarter and a total crazy degenerate, like woman2008.

but yeah woman2008 was really cute, would have liked a decent woman in that cute body. just wasnt meant to be though.

i wonder how many abortions SHE got hahahaha.

i dont know whats worse. A woman who will have babies with blacks…..or a woman who aborts them.

i think its too much to assume she wouldnt abort a fully white baby. i think its barbaric for a woman to murder their own child regardless of the racial mix of the child. the child never asked for any of this.

how about, have the brown baby, give it up for adoption, and then never have another mixed baby again.

and I still wouldnt want to marry her!

WOMEN, KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS!!!!!! hahahahaha

CLOSE YOUR LEGS!!!! stop fooking so many guys!!! you are the creators of human life much moreso than men! have some SELF RESPECT!!!!!

but respect is not really very important or relevant to women. things like respect, honor, ethics, morality, tradition, racial hygiene, sin, shame, guilt, these are all very MASCULINE things. women could care less.

so do we need to enslave women, like the mudslimes?

no I refuse to treat women as BARBARICALLY as they do. we can do better than that.

women are bad, but they arent AS bad as the mudslims think.

a strong father and a strong husband and 3 kids by age 24 will be more than enough to keep women from getting out of hand. and also take away their vote. say you are combining it with their husbands vote.

in fact I would be very ok with restricting MENS votes too, to married men with children. See i got some skin in the game too. take MY vote away, I dont care. I would GLADLY give up my vote to take away the vote for women. that would be a GREAT deal.

cuz they will vote for taxpayer funded baby murder and no fault divorce and moar money for single mothers to have more bastard babies with black deadbeats!!!!!

 

STUFF FROM MARCH 2015

[WARNING OCT 22 2016:

well, more of a clarification hahaha.

  1. i never got this angry again. i was FURIOUS and saying horrible things and wishing horrible things on That Woman, but I wasnt being really serious, i was just really angry at the shitty situation. so dont take those seriously at all. also, when shit hit the fan a few months after this, i was never that angry even at that time. well, maybe at MYSELF for being such a shameful pathetic coward.  was never this angry at HER again. just sad and devastated and disappointed.
  2. just continues to point out the obvious lesson: i should have just communicated with her then. like ME writing her an email THEN, in march/feb 2015. another alternative would be Just Let It Go, because she was obviously not wanting to hang out with me. keep in mind this wasnt some Rando, I already knew her for 2+ years BEFORE all this, where we had a History of hanging out.
  3. interesting that i was still Handling and Surviving my job tho! I was also using a fair amount of MJ. kinda envious of that. wouldnt mind some of that right now.
  4.  i really didnt hate her as much as it sounds like in this stuff. never forget this does not reflect my state now, but as of march 2015, when things were a lot different hhehehehe.  as of oct 2016 I am pretty much Over It, but still a little butthurt. not really angry or negative at her. i mean i would still Take Her Back hahahahahaha. but i am just trying to live muh life without her. I lost an important person and it takes a VERY long time to FULLY get over.

]

apri 19

found some good txt files I wrote when things were going bad with the woman in march, april, may, maybe even feb 2015. that I didnt want to post here. well I think I can finally post them here. oh goody. like there was one i wrote on the very day she Snapped at me saying Please Leave hahahaha.

they were on my hard drive but not sure i copied them all to my google drive. copied them all to google drive. so look in the personal writing folder / april may june 2015 / folder which have been using ever sincee hahahaha.

hmm the LORD is smiling upon me and I am THANKFUL, I officially make a big deal out of praising the LORD in public, and then cursing him in private, hahaha. no not really. but now have an “interview” with staffing agency on thursday. spoke to the recruiter as soon as I got out of bed and did ok considering hahahahaha. with the phone bullshitting. She sounded not as smart as me, and she is a Personnel Manager and prob makes way more than 15 DAH!

so do that in 2 days. today take the post office test, that should be “fun.” today or tomorrow maybe go to local thrift store and look for suit coats. something blue I think.

well i guess its good to be making baby steps of progress here.

ok i am gonna recycle that old stuff. copy and paste. might lead to a few super long posts hahaha.

MARCH 2015 notepad . txt

end of feb first part of march 2015 coming through::::: start::::: [yuge copy paste with some deletions] ::::::::

boo ya ka sha. officially boycotting wordpress, not that this is much better.
feb 28 2015, sat, 702pm. leave for partay at 8. that should be fun but i just enjoyed the last relaxer so that is getting the nerves up a bit but . ok uploading. should put on new pair of socks. fam coming home possibly tomrw.
ok gotta chill out fast. now nervous about everything haha. and now the down arrow on kyboard is failing. just listening to some hlidskjalf really quietly hahaha. guitar is broken and needs to be thrown away. damn. nervous about buying beer even though i have no plans to drink it!!

[was going to small fun chill party hosted by my male work friend who was/is a real good guy, I truly liked him hahaha. I always tried to get That Woman to go with me, but she never accepted. Later I worried that she would blow me off only to show up there on her own accord, or to go with this other guy from work who I was jealous of, and I was worried that would be understandably humiliating to me: invite her, she rejects me, I go, and then she goes there with another guy. this never happened hahahaha. I really dont think she ever hung out with that guy much. good hahaha. ]
and then it mysteriously starts playing filosofem, during The Song, so i back it up to a good point. after the screechy guitar part ends, and dem 3 notes which repeat forever. oh yeah.

so i figured, take a valium pretty soon and see if that helps. or maybe right after i buy the beer. pretty nervous about that too!!!
not gonna bring a relaxer, but i dont think im responsible for needing to do that anyway!

[I of course do not drink but I brought them some alcohol to share with the drinking guests.]

day after. sunday. march 1. 2015. 118pm. neckbearding. got home at like 320 am last night from “party”, turned out pretty well, was even 1 cute gurl there (but i think she was Dating one of the guys there.) turned out well. actually very well. i got socialize with some people from muh job. i brought them some beer for community use. so it was very nice and would like to do it again and i was happy to be invited. everyone was active and playing games and people were still going strong at 230 am when the first person left, and i left with them, because i was f00king TIRED and EXHAUSTED and couldn’t believe nobody left earlier. but I snuck out somewhat awkwardly, but i needed to. came home, did small relaxer, and went right to bed.

would have been nice to go with female friend, but it was jsut fine wihtout her. plus i am OBSESSED with her in an unhealthy way, always thinking about her. not good. also she has become a Net Loss on my life, adding more Negative rather than Positive. So I should “let her go” hahahahahahhaha. deleted phone number from phone. maybe i should block her on facebook.

well i learned that blocking would unfriend, which would make me look butthurt. so i just turned off chat and Unfollowed her.

[ok this is exactly the type of Valuable INformation I am hoping to highlight by posting these hahaha. to show i was thinking SOME reasonable thoughts about the Rel.]

maybe i will do SOME cleaning, for like 30 minutes, then one last relaxer, then finish ….
back at 4 pm. was somewhat productive. had the last relaxer, then laboriously cleaned the floors, countertops.
now want to do a little neckbearding, will do more tidying up later
ok
kinda did that. took the final final relaxer.  then go right to bed, big day tomorrow!
and great news the poker is back with the new site.
enjoying super refreshing sidral mundet apple soda.
march 3 2015, tues nite, 721 pm,
female friend is being godawful. i am ready to just let her go. cut her loose. dead weight. is adding no value. has sucked more value than added value, total. a net loss. [yuppppppppppppppppppppp]
later, 1228 am, dark, ok turned on light.
RUNDGANG IS SONG OF MONTH FEB / MARCH 2015!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and then that can go on yer mix tape of the year.

[from burzum filosofem. yeah its great stuff. classic album.]

[everything in square brackets is current commentary from april 2016. there is also some stuff from these I am redacting haha.]
have said wrote thought and said everything there is to be said about ff, no point in even talking about her here!!!!!!!!!!! have heard it ALL before. right now i am backing off of her 90000000 miles. trying to at least, doing ok the past couple days but sent her 1 stupid text yesterday, of course she did not respond, so now i am backing way off.
march 4 day off, AND tomorrow off as well. i took some “mental health” days because every day of my job is liek war, draining and stressful all day, and you’d rather lose the money than go into work becuase its so HARD and rough!

did game and relaxer yesterday. had a bad cough and took some dayquil to go to sleep. hope i do not have bronchitis some smoking too many relaxers.
going to the bathroom like aboss. i think i may try to do a relaxer tonight, and then “go for a powerwalk” and try to find a place in the nearby park to enjoy it. stands to reason. i have a couple ideas.
wow slowest computer ever. flash crashing constatntly.just trying to lisdten to music on youtube and play settlers and hehehe. it is too much for the 2 gb of ram to handle i think. [at this time I took the plunge and bought the new laptop I am using 1 year later hahahaha now.]
2 days off wow. the job is so draining all you want to do when getting home, if you can survive, is smoke w33d and sleep and do cuddlebangs with young qt, and getting a young qt is the hardest thing in the world, harder than getting w33d and even harder than surviing the stressful day!!!!
and ff is a dirty n199er loving whore who can f0ck off and die, she is dead to me. lol. [I was not censoring these, haha] but no i will not text her today and not text her tomorrow. by the time i see her on friday which i may not, she will be begging to jump on muh d. if i don’t see her on friday, then i will continue to stay 900000000 miles away from her until monday, when she will want even more toi jump on my d.
i dopnt care, that c00nt is a whore who deserves to be r4ped to d34th like a bitch in india, hahaha. [HYPERBOLE!!!!]
no i will not do the r4ping because i am not a violent person, violence is wrong.
well she certainly deserves to be rejected, cheated on, pumped and dumped, for the rest of her pathetic white trash life. we can save degenerate whites, but when a bitch is a n1993r f00king race traitor, that’s the point they become a lost cause. turn your back and let them drown.
heh. there are obviously much better women out there and i should try to court THEM.
i am just in a huge creepy woman hating phase right now because i am am real mad at her. would like for the anger and creepiness to decrease.
yeah i will go to the park and try to enjoy a relaxer. it is covered in 3 feet of snow and pretty sure i do not have winter boots.
so ff facebook chatted with me which she NEVER does and said she had been very sick since friday and thats why she disappeared. well even if she was taking bl4ck c0ck, it was nice that she lied to save my feelings hahahaha.
so i felt better about her than i have in days so thats good. still not good chances, but i dont like being so ANGRY at her.

[she usually had Credible excuses always like she was SICK or she was with FAMILY. she seemed to show some remorse or sympathy here, and i was always willing to give her the benefit of the doubt.]
soon will go to park to check it out. want it to be like sunset or something. and stuff.
yeahyeah have not had two back to back days off in two months. totes getting burnt out on job and i just want two days off. i can listen to msuic, i can sleep in, i can go down to the park in 10 minutes and try to do the relaxer. that should be interesting. i am thinking to essentially get inside a pine tree surrounded by snow and that will be like a little fort, with privacy.
well did that and it wasnt nearly as fun as i hoped. oh well. it is better now. but at the time it sucked, and i wouldnt want to do it again. well maybe if it was darker. and found a better tree.
problems were, if sometone wanted to see me, they could see a person standing trying to hide by a pine tree and smoking something, possibly crystal meth hahahaha. plus it was extremely loud trudging thru the snow to get there. plus it was windy and freezinf. plus i think it burned faster and i certainly did not enjoy it as much!!!

[its not worth it to take “relaxers” ie DEGENERATE MJ in public parks, too much nervous]

normalfag average successfuls, who can hold down a job, be middle working class, live in their own house, be married and have a family, and are not driven to madness or self destruction by their jobs or their crazy minds or their own laziness.
anyway. i am a lot chiller when things are going ok with ff. and i went from being super mad and wanting her to die, to being happy and in luv with her again, jsut because she messaged me and said she had been sick and showed me the teensiest bit of friendliness. [very back and forth from anger and hate, back to luv. I havent really felt that intense anger towards her since it ended, strangely enough. just mainly sad and disappointed.]
too bipolar and codependent or just dependent on her, eh? yes indeed. , so better that she disappears entirely right, because i could never have a healthy “rel” with her. and now that i like her and don’t hate her, like i did yesterday, i spent a little time looking at pictures of her. GREAT. and thinking of cuddlign and making out and licking sweaty butt juice out of her 4ss crack. [DEGEN WARNING, but you want to do really gross stuff with the one u luv haha.]
GREAT.
ok gotta go to store. get gas. milk. really got to get oil change. this is the stuff of life i have never been too good at.
yeah buddy. march 6, friday, survived day at work, every day is a miracle, one day i am just gonna snap and get fired hahahahahaha oh losing your livelihood is nothing to take seriously!!!!!

but you get quite the education. they don’t train us, because they can get away without training us. because really, we do not have the power to screw things up too bad, and cost the company too much money, and lives are never at stake. well, i guess you COULD delete a bunch of client data and cost the company thousands of dollars that way before they found you and fired you.
so they can get away with putting us in truly ridiuclous situations
welp it kinda sucks that i have w33d but not real way to enjoy it,

but it is awesome that i survived the day and get to go to sleep. maybe i will try some nyquil. actually thats a great idea.
really they just need to tell us what to say. TELL US WHAT TO SAY. I guess that is our job, to figure out what to say. a big part of our job is delivering bad news about stuff that cannot be done; or to explain WHY something can’t be done or why something happened; and that information is never available. . stupid negroes. they can suck my dick.
as someone who doesnt like to lie, it is uncomfortable for me to twist the truth. but since its not a FULL lie, and it’s actually easier than telling the truth here, because then you sound like an IDIOT who doesn’t know what you’re doing, so in that sense it makes sense to lie, like bullshitting. its bullshitting is all it is, really.
like they tell you no eta, and you tell them, TENTATIVE eta of 2 weeks, but that is not firm, yeah i’m sorry, yes i will throw my superiors under the bus, if i ran this company, i would hold them accountable, yes if this style of management keeps up, this company will not be around in 5 years, etc. we at the bottom work the hardest and get no help, etc. tell people to talk to their managers and their managers are either never fooking there, or don’t know what theuy’re doing, or they ARE they manager calling you because they don’t know what theyre doing.

ff is very disappoint. i am in lusting love with her but she feels nothing for me.we are basically at the “please respond” super omega phase, so….. that sucks. just gonna listen to judas priest and neckbeard all day, maybe concoct a plan to enjoy a relaxer later. can either go to the park 4 miles away OR go to the park near house. but find a diff place there.

angry at female friend for never wanting to respond to me, never wanting to hang out with me; angry at self for being so hung up on her, and for only giving effort with her alone and not other people, not just women, but trying to hang out with male friends too!!!!!

if you ever feel the need to write “PLEASE RESPOND” to a grill, it’s gone too far. stop right there and back the fook off, 9000000 miles. she obviously doesn’t want to respond to you and isn’t WORTH your energy.
heh. this is after i was back in luv with female fren a few days ago. it is SO back and forth, up and down, one extreme to the other, bipolar. [wow. funny that 3 months AFTER this I would be BEGGING “please respond” like never before! you see how I should have BLURTED IT OUT in MARCH at the latest! I was clearly going crazy then!!!!]

sunday march 8 1037 am, just “sprang fwd” to dyalight savings time and LOST a precious hour of SLEEP!!!!!!!! so i am butthurt about that.

then i came home and neckbearded till about 9 pm then went to bed and slept.
texted ff once and she did not respond. same as yesterday. come on. well i will know better, i will not text her today!!!! unbeleiveable. the gall of this b1tch hehehehe. well it doesn’t bode well for me to be so attached to her, when she could care less about me!!!!!
welp gotta go to church now. well i will just skip out of course!!!!
ok leave in like 40 mintues. no shower. smell horrible. look like a slob.
but yeah it sucks being bipolar about her, and utterly un movable about everything else. priorities are way out of whack. they kinda have been for most of my life. i was never really worried about career as much as i was worried about women. how stupid is that?
ok leave in 17 minutes.
well as long as i can get thru each day of work. which i kind of can, with my new flashcards system, and my leanring to BS better, and my cutting corners. all good skills and habits to learn hahaha.

i mean those things ARE good if it helps the company, makes more money, etc. but it is hard to say for our dept. lot of gray area, which means we are very expendable. like, how much money is the company really going to lose if they have a big technical problem? and how much money does our department want to spend to solve it, or can they just lay people off and say it’s not worth it to spend the money to fix it? important business questions.

but i am glad my female friend got rejected for the job she interviewed for. hahaha. welcome to my world baby. no escape. get used to being rejected. its a fact of life. life goes on. pretty young women dont get rejected enough.

but yeah i wish this b1tch would respond to me. or at least that i were more popular with more b1tches, so it wouldn’t MATTER if one measly b1tch did not respond to me, id have 5 more responding to me. damn. b1tches and wh0res.
540 pm well i sent her a text which is just a 🙂 and that is all. no supplicating for forgiveness, ok actually this is a facebook message not a text. no begging, just a simple 🙂 which is still pretty beta.
i might try a relaxer

well, my company doesn’t train people, in my job, so that means they tacitly approve of me BS’ing to the callers. meaning i have the freedom to tell them what i want. but i should still have some stock bs answers ready, because the company won’t give you those.

when in doubt, say that the process is known to fail 1% of the time. this is one of those times. fortunately it’s easy to fix and should not happen again. if it does, that means something else is wrong, call us back please.
this is kinda like medicine, but also kinda not, because it’s very difficult to determine the cause of anything.
say yeah its unfortunate we can’t determine the cause of these. computers are actually a million times more unpredictable than a human body. we just have to be grateful to alleviate the symptoms. these computers do not have a useful life of more than three years anyway.

if you think i am pessimistic you should talk to your managers manager because that is your best chance to have a talk with a real decision maker.

Anonymous 03/08/15(Sun)20:09:09 No.16935165▶
>>16934781
The robot who is on the verge of normalcy faces a great dilemma: does he wait for who knows how long to find a girl that meets his standards, ridiculous or not, or does he settle for a girl he will inevitably be disgusted by to remove his loneliness for a while?

sdsds

march 10
they dont train us, because time and experience has proven, they don’t NEED to train us, it doesn’t add enough value to train us, in fact, they LOSE money by training us. because they just need a warm body who can not get emotional, and write down facts without emotion, and then if it gets escalated, the people who might understand a little better can use those facts to piece together the puzzle. and this is more efficient than training us. or else they would train us, if that were more efficient.

i could go up to a manager and be like why don’t you train us? hahahahahaha.
because it really doesn’t matter.

march 11
i just bought a new computer for 443 dollars. damn. it has double the ram so i hoping its twice as fast. i prob should have sprang for even more ram but i am just so sick of this computers slowness. i can’t even run tabs and sheet.
probably won’t be super fast.
anyway i kind of need this sort of big 444 dollar purchase to be an impulse toherwise i won’t do it.
ok mfer lets do it.
well i did that and its done. definite pros and cons, risks and such, not proud, et

Barfly – Opening scene (Booker T. & The MG’s – Hip Hug-Her …
▶ 4:13
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dHFevKZn0lA
Nov 2, 2010 – Uploaded by Dani Carpi
Barfly – Opening scene (Booker T. & The MG’s – Hip Hug-Her) …Am I the only one in the world that thought this great songsounded a bit like …

[it is a great song but not sure which song i thought it was supposed to sound like!!!!! perhaps “the changeling”, the opening song on the doors great final album “la woman.”]

oh yeah just moved this stuff onto notepade.
notepad is 90000000 times faster.
saving the txt file on google drive.

i just prefer this kind of writing program atm.

notepad is hardest core and best writing program.
yes this is much better than docs.

keep checking fb like a beta because i sent ff a fb msg early in the day. the first one was a long “fun” one abotu music; then i though oh no that’s creepy, so i sent her a short one at the end of the day, very short, testing to see if she would chat then. not surprisingly she did not. [trying to do small talk about common interest of music, prob to show her I am still that same kewl guy she became friends with]

gotta go to bed soon. hope that new computer is faster because if not i am screwed.
march 12 2015

[the new computer is faster and it has provided me great value for 13 months so far. I enjoy it. no regertz]

////////END  COPYPASTE

Yeah I found some more so get used to this shit hahahaha. ok paste one more in this post.

uhhh took my post office test 473 and got 86.9 on it. i guess 70 is the minimum and 100 is the max? I did Well except for the final part, which involves memorizing addresses, and my MEMORY is HORRIBLE from all the ABUSE I did to my brain from ages 16-26 hahahaha. more like wawawawawawawa. it is not funny, hahaha. wawawawa.

GO::::::

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march 2015 txt:::: [current comments in [] ]

mar 17 2015
had big screw up w ff today when i went to talk to her and i was getting creepy again which is never good, i honestly could be overestimateing that tho, very hard to tell who was the bad guy there. i like to think it was her! she said please just leave and i left. but i was just shocked more than anything. was having a not horrible day, but she wasnt making it any better!!! i had good talks with 2 people, investigated some good issues, still gotta get quicker wiht the escalations so i try to do everything first then write shortest book possible, crammed with all info. noice got a noice new mouse installed, it looks noice. i am thinking of the jason sudeikis char on cleveland show, hilarious. one of the new comedians thats actually any good.

dont like gdocs. prefer notepad but i dont wanna sync it w google drive download, trying to avoid that one as much as possible. leaves all sorts of files under users.

fook it , starting a notepad, see that.

ok here we go.

playing some cards, swc is back! love it.

now just gotta rememebr to save this dam txt file!

oooh

cleveland saying donna she is a shamefully obese widow, in reference to kendra. this show is so underrated. i should buy a dvd haha.

but it sucks about ff. i really wanted to avoid looking like the bad guy. i want her to text me and say im sorry for once hahaha. but she prob wont. 90 10.
and so when i see her again on thursday i got to stay away from her like THE PLAGUE. no nothing. total 100% avoidance. maybe one stupid smiley face at the end of the day at very most.

so yeah it never feels good to have a major screwup like that! but i did ok with my new priority programname tech. and then to finish the day with ok behaviour towards her, to have it all build up from like 530 to 6 pm, is riduclous! and diappoiting of course.

hard to say how many people noticed, i hoped not a lot.

[ I was surviving decently well with My Calls it looks like. I was doing well and fairly confident all day, having a good day, UNTIL I went to talk to her at the end of the day, and she was very bitchy and I went completely crashing down I guess. I dunno I just wanted to chit chat with her before leaving. seeing her was the highlight of my day. and seeing me was something she dreaded and could do without. she never came to visit me, I always came to visit HER, and then I stopped doing that because thats what she wanted hahahaha.]

hmm i guess i was in the wrong because i was distracting her from her work, and i would not like to be distracted during my work. it is just physically impossible. so maybe she was not lying when she said she wasnt mad at me.

even hard to say how mad she actually is cuz i neveer get much info out of her. things are pretty bad.

[yes. should have blurted it out.]

and i cannot be the bad guy. that is the most important thing.

well, not really, but it is very important.

[it is! because I didnt want it to be ALL MY FAULT!!!!!]

or she could just not be mad and just brushing it off. in which case its probably better that she IS mad, because that means she cares, rather than runnig off sucking n199er c0ck. and partying with all the more alpha men at werk, getting spit roasted like a whore.

or even just making out with other guys. i get very jealous when i am not given a chance. yep i do sound like the bad guy eh.

but yeah it sucks, i wish she would just text me with SOMETHING and just let me know.

so yeah i hope she is lying and she is mad….i think? it is just as confusing as the confusing stuff we do all day. and i told her i hate being confused all day, in refernece to the job.

but i am actually performing better on the job than i am
performing with her. but still stressed out about both.

bottom line, situation there JUST SUCKS. it JUST SUCKS altogether. heh. i am mad at HER.

but i still like her too, so i cant be TOO mad. but i shouldn’t like her so much cuz its stupid, and she doesn’t like me back, and she makes me fairly mad. stressed and confused nad anxious.

so yeah obviously i should avoid her like the plague on thursday. well that takes care of that eh.

[i didnt want to avoid her though. I was struggling to Rein it in and Dial It Back, but I still wanted Closure and Communication. I couldn’t avoid it until it went away. It wasnt gonna go away for me. I should blurted it out and wrote her an email right then. in march. not july. coulda saved four months hahaha. that is thousands of dollars.]

yeah its terrible that i CARE so much and worry so much and she doesn’t give a damn at all, AND on top of that, she won’t give me dat ass that she gives tons of other guys. of course im entitled to it, we actually KNOW each other!!!!

well like i said, i plan on dumping her completely if things are not looking good by the end of april. that is the absolutely laterst deadline, and them i am dumping her like the dead weight white trash whore dirty tramp she is.

[see I was getting pretty angry at her and how she was avoiding and ignoring me. shoulda said THIS ENDS NOW. WE NEED TO TALK NOW. also i didnt have any PROOF she was slutting it up with other guys, but I was jealous that she was friendlier to other guys than to me. plus disgusted by her past Mudsharking.]

and i can’t even inquire about the status right now, becuase that would be too invasive. but i would like such an update, was hoping she would send me an apology to be honest.

but yeah that came out of nowhere. she just spun around and faced me and told me to please leave. wow. i was so taken aback. i said ok and quickly left without argument, probably squeezing in a few sorrys as well.

i have been saying sorry way too much, esp when i don’t really feel that much at fault, if anything the blame is 55 45 ON HER!

maybe even 60 40 she’s the bad guy!

but even if im the good guy, i still dont get to be with her wahhhhhhhhhhh life of loneliness ftw. and the nice memories we did have, they really were good and it would be so sad to end this way. but i don’t want to be just friends with her any more and am willing to risk the whole thing for a chance. but to also not be the bad guy beyond that.

[well it actually ended in an even SADDER way….]

march 18
sheeeeeeeeiiiiiiiittttt. stupid female friend, wish she never existed! judas priest is the only thing that can save me now. live vengeance 82 in memphis. make a cd of that.

welp that means i got to downlaod stupid programs to the comp.

it is also very resassuring to me that rob halford, a scrawny, weak-chinned, homosexual, bald, short, man can be such a huge masculine badass. if he can do it, so can ANYBODY. and to do it so convincingly and sincerely. no hint of compensating for anything.

and if women think you’re weird for loving a gay man, then they can go fook themselves, rob halford is way cooler than some bitch.

ok made that cd.
next plan is to take shower, make relaxer, go out and do that, go to store, get bananas, fish oil, maybe soda, maybe gas, peanuts, stuff.

f00king bitch, i am very mad at her!!!! at how she could just not care about me at all and totally leave me holding the bag. bagholder. leaving me in the LURCH and just j00ing me like a bitch.

i wish she would say sorry to ME rather than me apologizing to HEr 900000000 times a day because she thinks i’m weird.

i have always got rejected because i was too weird. bitches always think i’m too weird, then they don’t want to hang out with me, forget making out or physical or even emo action.

f00k bitches, all i need is gay rob halford and judas priest.

but yeah if shes gonna be a big whore giving that ass to everyone else, then YES i AM ENTITLED, bitch. give me a little bit too, if youre just a promiscuous whore!!!! [again no proof, just angry at her, and jealous]

also i afeel a bit sold out. not necessarily betrayed, but i just thought we were simply better friends than for her to totally dump me like that. because im not cool enough, or too weird, or too needy, or i want to talk to her too much, or whatever. wtf. [not necess betrayed! Even at my most angry I knew she wasnt betraying me. but she was leaving me high and dry.]

that feel when you have officially fallen in luv with a grill and she hasn’t explicitly rejected you YET, so you get false hope. and things are finally starting to get nice and tense, worrisome, stressful. you a re close to getting your official rejection. sweet.

but at least SOMETHING is happening.i was glad to push her to do something, buttttttt i dont want to look like the bad, creepy, weird guy, abusing this poor innocent wimmin.

and yet i still want to text her and talk to her and “figure this out!”
unebeliveable!!!!!

so i watch degen porno to get mind off her, and then imagine her doing that with all these other guys but never me!!!!! [yeah I should not have been watching degen porno, but then i was convinced it was a tool to help me get over her, and not think about HER. maybe it was, but I am glad I quit watching that stuff a few months after this.]

wow eveything ive type PROVES i am the bad guy! non bad guys dont think like this! and this is not the good kind of bad guy, but rather the creepy weird beta omega virgin who never pulls pussy!!!!!

march 18
gotta go to bed super soon, big day tomorrow. cannot contact ff at ALL ENTIRE DAY, still on fence abut the one smiley at very end of day, but that would prob be creepy, so, dont do it.

think of my reputation!!!!!!! on the job i mean!!! yikes i am aleady in too deep. or at least the semi normies on /adv would advise, but its a fun forum anyway.

well at least i have the time before she gets in. it is gonna be no easy three days though. dear god have mercy on us all.

msrch 21
playing cards, jpriest, skepticism ethere ep, did ok on cards, still 90 out of 100 bankroll though. great music, did relaxer in left side of park, ver tired now, 1227 am, just about to go to bed here. female fren is retarded and i wish we could just hang out. probabl shell hang out with me like end of april and then say oohhhh im so happy now and i found a new BOIFRAN too! hooray for me taking n199er c0x!

[no she DIDNT hang out with me end of april. but she did finally confess she had a family issue. so i felt guilty about pushing her. but I still think she could have taken 5 minutes and wrote me an email. communicated somehow.]

and then i will say see ya, have a shitty life, white trash, you deserve it.

march 22 sunday morning. 9 am. i seem to have been getting up early sunday morn. neckbeardih, judas priest TURBO, getting uh better call saul in, watching episode 2 now, taking a break now. will goto church at 12 but do relaxer BEFORE then sit in the back with the zipperheads.

now in bathroom doing decadence.

varg v has a great recent vidya to all the pvssy f4ggots whining about not be able to finda good women, all women are whores, mgtow, omega, virgins, etc, and his first video to deal directly with this topic.
FAINT HEARTS DO NOT WIN FAIR LADIES, is the norse proverb he repeats here. stop being a littl epvssy f4ggot bitch, and do something manly, brace, heroic, and the decent women will come to you. kind of like he did with his music and pro-white work. you have to be above average in some way. so he got himself a decent woman, and now has 4 or 5 kids with her. can’t blame him!

turbo jp.
sentenced love and death, particular dreamlands.
jp out in the cold, followed by dreamlands, in the march 2015 mix haha.

march 25
wed day off, being semi productive, listening to jp sentinel, dotf.
about to go to store and do a relaxer on the way. [DEGEN!!!!!]

just waiting 12 minutes for washing machine to stop. then i will go.

ff [female friend] is still being a n1993r loving cvnt. really bad. i deserve better. well i once deserved better. but this is about as good as i deserve now…..and i still can’t pull it!

[I didnt and I do not and I will not even like MUDSHARKING. it is DISGUSTING. and DISGUSTING that the luv of my life would ever do something like that. NOT EVEN ONCE.]

she is nicer when i ignore her, so i will try to ignore her. job is really bad and i would love her moral support, but she is utterly refusing to give it, the ice cold bitch. plus she finds the job bearable because HER job is TEN times easier. and she thinks its MY problem that i am always stressing out. well bitch, my job is TEN times harder than yours, thats why i’m stressing out. easy for YOU to “go with the flow” dummy. i don’t have that luxury. check your privilege. i jokingly told her to check her livechat privilege but she blew it off, she will never admit her job is easier than mine.

[i was bitter because I believed doing livechats was easier than doing phones. when really i prob would have been miserable on livechats too. I was just butthurt because she was much better at Not Letting The Job Bother Her than I was.]

so i have been joining this other clique and feeling good to be appreciated. then yesterday i went around walking for an hour helping people more than i have done in recent memory. of course ff did not see it. i was hoping she would so i could blatantly walk by her and NOT help her, because she never needs help, shes so smart.

[i was on a personal mission to stay after my shift for an hour, and walk around, and help newer people who clearly needed help, but the department had gotten rid of physical people walking around giving help, cut costs. I thought that was horrible. So I stayed after work and did this unpaid. I wanted to also show HER how much SMARTER I was than her, and I was chomping at the bit for her to ask me for help. but she never did. well I was SMART, look at all the OTHER people who love me and think I’m smart.]

i even talked to the pretty girl i want to wife up, but she was a little bitchy too. i guess all women are bitches hahaha. or i bring out the bitchiness in women. still she is a higher quality woman than ff, and i think she has drawn male attention away from ff, which is good.

[there was a new gurl who was like a younger, prettier version of that woman. and indeed guys would probably white knight for her before they would white knight for That Woman.]

shes probably a huge bitch due to all the male attention she gets because she is so pretty.

well thank GOD for muh chat room [social/casual/friendly work chat room, not official level 2 chat room] and the friendly people there who give ME moral support. that has def made a positive impact.

also, my flashcards.
also, my walking around on the call floor is good for me becuase it helps ME learn so i am more confident later.

[this is very true. i wasnt doing this for the sole purpose of bragging to her. I really DID want to help the new people. I really DID have a vendetta against the company having bad training and eliminating physical support walkers. as opposed to getting ALL your level 2 advice from a gayass Chat Room. it REALLY helps to have a real person who can look at your screen and talk to you right there.]

it is a lot easier to LEARN and THINK when you don’t have the PRESSURE of a caller holding, making you NERVOUS. damn son.

heh march 25 finished doing my income taxes, getting 1700 dollars back from uncle sam, 160 dollars from muh state. not bad eh?

march 28 2015

PANTERA LIVE 1988. this and defenders era live priest.
march 29 810 am
got out of bed early, went to bed at 930 pm, was violently tired and couldn’t force myself to watch tv or neckbeard.
then got a solid 9 or 10 hours or sleep, def need more!

i did a small relazer yesterday where i used my cigaret machine to inject the mixture into a regular cigaret tube. then i tried punching holes in the filter and pulling out some of the filter. because i don’t want any precious relaxation getting filtered out! but i wanted it to look like a normal cigarete rather than a realy suspicious conical relaxer, so that really does bring down the anxiety level there. but the thing is done faster and i worry that some of it might be wasted.

oh well, it was pretty good and i think with the right tools i could remove the filter better. like a pin or paper clip or exacto knoife.

[you can just squeeze the filter out, throw away half, then stuff the other half back in there. OR use a little rolled up piece of flashcard and no cotton filter.]

pantera should NOT have abandoned their power metal days so abruptly. phil had a great halfordesque voice that he threw away too quickly. cowboys was fine, no problem there, but then the big tuff guy switcheroo after that was too much. and no reason to stop playing the power metal songs live. power metal is an awesome album and them turning their back on it is a little weak. when phil was 20 years old he could hit all those same notes live. see live 1988 and 1989 recordings. him and dime were not falling down sloppy drunk like degen199ers. [great word coinage hahaha. and yeah all this music talk is correct.]

and the cfh is filled with halford highs in every song, i wish he didn’t stop that so soon. i used to think the highs were corny but now i fully appreciate them, and i appreciate where they came from: halford.

best thing to do with ff [female friend] is: NOT text or message her today. i turned off fb chat. leave it off. i should have never friended her. i might just leave fb for a month and then have her unfriended when i come back. [wrong: best thing to do would say THIS ENDS NOW, WE NEED TO TALK. BLURT IT OUT. it was SIX MONTHS already. I was playing according to her rules. I could have been ASSERTIVE and said NO I will not let you continue to walk all over me like this. you are crossing my boundaries. tradeucing them hahahaha.]

uhhhh.

sunday still. 12 54 pm. listening to priest…live! opens with out in the cold.

poker site down again haha. trying not to text ff today. would be great to accomplish that goal.plus its obviously the smarter thing to do. [nope see above]

march 31
well today action is happening and i am awaiting the big official LJBF/dumping email in the next 12 hours, at 1148 pm i thought it might be here, but NO. well i checked at least. we had a good work chat  where she was starting to respond positively but her redneck language prevented her from communicating the full ideas, but it seemed to suggest an email forthcoming. rut ro reorge.

[I think I was under the impression that she would send me an email. I think during our “good work chat” I encouraged her to write me an email. But I didnt come out and say “please write me an email for sure.” I felt she did understand that I wanted her to write me an email, but really she probably didnt. She did not end up writing one hahaha. But for a while I really thought she was, and I thought it would be some good closure.]

i am prepared for the absolute worst, stay away from me weirdo, to which i would i would gladly respond, glady cupcake. have fun being the new company slut ya whore! taking all comers except one!

but it could be something different, but still 95% BAD outcome. i am not optimistic about the outcome at ALL. but i am still eagerly awaiting it, because at least it means this chapter in muh life can END. hehe worlds biggest closure fan.jpg

i made a small joke of her going to the concert with this guy from job, who is notably younger, taller, handsomer, less bald haha, a bit trimmer more proportionate, who i had long suspected ff with haha, well she tells me she went with him and i was like ouch babe lol. glad to see who’s in the cool kids club lol, thats ok, im already over it B) [i did make a joke about this, because I was kinda upset about her going with him and not even inviting me. I said I like going to concerts with yooooou even if I do not know the Artist very well. it would be fun. you know I like all kinds of music right? then joked about her thinking this guy was cooler than me now, guess she was getting bored of me after 2.5 years hahaha. and then she responded to that work chat by saying nooooo we (me and her) are good friends, you are a way better friend than he is, etc, whcih was exactly what I was fishing for. ]

but yeah the email will send some kind of clear sign that i must abide by in order to keep moral high ground. no exceptions. this is THE END. i can actually breathe a sigh of relief for this being FINSHED. and then i have only the job haha. [well, i was HOPING I would get an email that sent a clear sign. I should have shown the initiative and done that myself and said LISTEN. THIS ENDS NOW.]

play a little cards.

april 1
hmm still waiting on that email that gives me muh precious closure hahaha. [there was a misunderstanding of course.]

also everyone at our job could get laid off today. i wouldn’t mind, the job sucks that bad. and if you convert my money made in 2014 to that of a full time worker, uh then i made less than 10 dollars an hour. so a 12 dollar hour job would be a big step up, provided it has no layoff.

and signing up for company healthcare was a BIG mistake, i will never use it, stuff like dentist and docker office visits, are not affected. finding a new doctor and paying for their office visit is like 120$ copay or whatever, and that’s with insurance. or the insurance just doesnt cover anything. previous doctro was 80 bucks for office visit. i have to find another old white cheap docter hehehe. he is retiring or sick and that is kinda sad, i should see what happened to him. [he had a ridiculous fraud, prescription, sex scandal hahaha and went to prison]

 

just waiting for the email of doom. i mean i really deserve and am entitled to a positive outcome here but 90% will get screwed because i always get screwed by women when it comes to not being rejected haha. can never get my cuddlez and make outs and datez let alone masculine reamings. no hangouts, no nothing. no good, all bad. damn. bitches be bitches man. wipe them off the face of the earth, not before raeping the shit out of them! disgusting degenerate idiot subhumans. [HYPERBOLE!!!!]

averagefags have disappointents with wimmin too, but the good eventually outweighs the bad. not for the likes of us lost souls: the bas has outweighed the good, so we have a generally negative attitude towards women, because women have sucked for us more than they’ve been ok!!!

cons of my ff is that she is a white trash n1993r lover from a very broken family who is dumber than i give her credit for, and doesn’t really like me, and is incraeasingly becoming more degen as time goes on and she gets OLDER.

pros are that she used to be really nice and friendly and decent and non-degen and low-number, and kind and caring and gentle. that is the version of her i fell in luv with.

o how things have changed!

today i should be given a medal for getting out of bed. i am now on the crapper. need to eat breakfast, take shower, start laundry, do a little grooming, prepare relaxer, go to store, come home, hoepfully do powerwalk, then go to BED for three horrendous days coming up, with an email of final doom in there, and having to see her n199er loving whore face for 2 days lol. [I make no apologies for calling her a n199er loving whore hahahaha. I am DISGUSTED by mudsharkery. yeah her mudsharkery could have been worse, and I dont even have proof she BANGED the guy. maybe she nonsecsually dated him for like 5 months and he was like sheeeeeeeeeeit dis white bitch don wanna gibs me dat ass, den i goan get sum dat ass from mah hoodratz bitches son. also he was a charming, light skinned, probably pretty white acting black. NO EXCUSE THOUGH.]

or maybe our center closes today and we all get laid off today. i would not mind. [kind of job where you look forward to being laid off cuz you just cant go on without knowing there is a light at the end of the tunnel. hooray get at least 8 weeks off and get to collect unemployment. free at last, etc.]

ok bathroom, shower, laundry, breakfast, now its 108 pm, time for a nap hahahaha. no i was going to do relaxer now. waiting for email of doom, knowing her she prob wont even write it and i will be waiting for naught. btiches will disappoint you on EVERY front, no stone unturned of disappointment. i might just have to grab her by brute force. she would probably like the masculine gesture. [HYPERBOLE ]

uh oh maybe she didnt mean she was gonna write the email, but it was a big company announcement. the more i think abotu it, the more this is very probable, because we may get an email today saying were all fired. [she might have mentioned AN email in our chat, when she was talking about a Big Work Email, not a Big Personal Email she was gonna send me!]

but in this case i kinda embarrassed myself with the emotional confession from me yesterday! [Can’t remember what was said. I think it was a work chat where I apologized like a pvssy for making her snap at me, BUT that I also missed her and I felt like I was losing her and I really couldnt go forever with no hanging out. so, KINDA asserting myself. but not assertively enough hahaha. and there was an idea that there might be some kind of email, and I thought oh goody she’s finally gonna open up to me and communicate. NOPE!]

so i texted her and joked about it and she sort of conceded some emotionality herself. but i dont think she was meaning to write me an email with a clear sign, nope not at all. damn. she is still oblivious as fook.

foooook. so, right back where we were, no progress made, no new information gleaned, no motion. kinda frustrating, if she does not hang out with me soon i am done. what a b. i dont have time for b’s, i got 99 problems and a b aint 1.

[yeah that was disappointing. another chance for communication, shot down in flames.]

april 4
insanely angry at ff. shouldnt have texted her tonight but it was the minimum of words possible. prob wont get a response. prob her and her whore mother banged a bunch of n199ers when they were at this thing. and now shes going out getting banged by the guy from work, when she has blown me off and rejeted me many times over the past 6 months literally. blow me off and blow this guy. whats almost as bad as that is the implicatin that i am totally inferior to him. she doesn’t want to hang out with me, she eagerly wants to hang out with him and get F00KED like a dirty whore by him, and i can even GET her to hang out wiht me EVER. f00k. i mean she is just being RIDICULOUS. she says we are “good friends” but she is full of shit. i am furious at her and have pretty much officially swtiched over from love to hate. oh great. this is the real fun part! well, i was well on my way earlier. it was obviously getting to this point. it sucks. hate and jealousy along wtih the bitterness and disappointment, hahaha. increases the risk of me angrily snapping at her, which will make her the winner. i still have one thing to hope for, and that’s being the WINNER. not being the bad guy. having the MORAL HIGH GROUND and HER being the one at FAULT. it’s way more her fault than mine. 90 10.

[yep not a good day there hahaha. lots of anger. I never got this angry after it was over!]

usual hard stupid greuling mind destroying day of work, and one of my male moral supporters was sick, and i avoided calls, but i still did ok, withstood pretty well, and the best part was that SHE was not there today. that was the best part. without her there it’s….not tolerable but quite a bit better. i prefer not seeing her if she is going to be a huge cvnt to me, screwing me over, leaving me in the lurch, hanging, she has pretty much abandoned me in the sense that SHE has given up on me and i am not happy about it.  [abandoned eh? hhehehe. yes indeed. ya dont say. also there were 2 days i worked but she was off those days. at first I thought it sucked not being able to see my Ray Of Sunshine, the Best Part Of My Day….but as things got worse, I looked forward to the days where I wouldn’t have to see her. it was chiller that way. makes me think I probably could have survived the job if she werent there.]

i cannot get her to hang out with me on satruday ngiht, and she is out hanging out with other more exciting more charismatic alpha males when she said she was a shy and not a party person.  getting fucked by alpha males, spreading easily like easy sleazy whore, as she gives these men pleasures i have only dreamed of. damn. god damn dirty whore. [very angry hahaha. not sure if I was referring to a specific saturday night, or any one of the saturday nights that she avoided hanging out with me, had become a disappointing pattern, haha]

went for 30 minute walk to day and had a relaxer and it was sweet. i have the new perfect method, make the relaxer in my cigarette injector. and then take out HALF the filter and stuff the other half back in. and then it looks just like smoking a cig, which decreases the nervousness a LOT. GREAT idea.  [DEGEN!!!!]

i am SO angry at her, almost violently. yep. it si kinda scary how hateful i am getting towards her. like she can f00king d13, the f00king worthless whore. piece of shit. r43p the shit out of her. f00king whore, piece of worthless shit, white trash, whore, f00king tons of guys except me, saying we are friends when she wont even hang out with me, hangs out with other guys and eagerly spreads her cvnt for them and they get some of that so easily which i want so badly, not just to pound that pvssy, but her love and attention and desire and to really be wanted by her, to be liked and lusted after by her. f000000000k. [wow i was emotional back then too hahaha. no i never did anything violent OR creepy to her.]

that relaxer was great. little less amount than the longer ones, but still just enough.

well when she talks to me i have to lie and say i had a ton of fun this weekend AND ESP that i hung out with my FRIENDS and had fun SOCIALISING with them. with my FRIENDS, who you are not, and you were NOT invited to this one [party with male friend?], u popular bitch getting c0x. jealous that she would give that which i want so bad so easily to other people, [no proof, and probably not even happeneing, hahaha] and i cant even get a LITTLE, which ive wanted so bad for TOO LONG. heh. yes six months is WAY too long. THIS ENDS NOW. [heh I said it even then. but didnt DO it. should have DONE it.]

yeah the job gets in the way but i would make time for her, like right now. and she talks and laughs and has fun with other people at the job, yet she f00king forbids me from ever visiting her. last time i visited her she flipped out and got all angry and scary and told me to leave now. i left and since then i havent come back. yet we still CHAT as if nothing weird is happening.  [she was controlling the Rules of Engagement AND avoiding the tension]

maybe she is pushing me to get angry just as i am pushing her to get angry because she wants ME to look like the bad guy, exactly like i want HER to look like the bad guy.

PERFECT way to do that is her be a whore and get f00ked by other guys, then i flip out.

therefore, she WILL f00k other guys, make sure i know about it, probably that guy from job…..and then i MUST not get angry. and then she looks like a cheap whore, and i look like a cool dude, who is too GOOD for such a trifling whore. which is exactly the reputation i want.

but doing that wont be easy. but surviving til layoff is a good first step. but that was especially when i wanted to hang out with her!!!!!

so when she says shes “dating” bla bla i can say, hmm, kinda sucks you refused to give me a chance baby, then she says huh what, then i say, yeah i was obviously asking you to hang out for the past 6 months but you always shot me down. i mean i can r43p you right now, but yeah you really screwed me baby, and i am not happy about it. in fact, this is the last time you’ll see me. f00k you whore, have a shitty life. f00k off and die like your stupid whore friend. you suck, you piece of shit. [i thought it would end with her being a whore, rather than her Abandoning me. I thought she was actually hang out with me and talk to me at some point!]

i wrote like 10 text drafts like that last night hahahaha. it might have been 4/3/15 that i crossed the ultimate rubicon of hate.

[duly noted, good to have a timeline hahaha. also, writing draft texts that you never send is a HALLMARK SIGN that this needs to END NOW. BLURT IT OUT NOW.]

so tired. gotta go to stupid easter mass. will probably do relaxer before it, maybe one in the afternoon too. [ god damn. this is iron clad proof the relaxers are degenerate.]

during the 4 days of the week i see her, i want to try taking 1 valium in two halves, one in morning, one at mid day.

be cool with her. tell her how much fun i had with my friends. just straight up LIE to her to try to bang her. she doesn’t DESERVE the truth. i will just lie lie lie lie lie to try to bang her like the flthy whore she is. and then continue lying to her until i have banged her 200 times or so and am totally sick of her, and use her as a practice girl for MUCH higher quality girls like the other gurl at job. who is prettier and less white trash and hopefully less of a slut, well at least less of a n1993r loving slut.

and i don’t hate black guys, but i do strongly dislike n1993 f00king white bitches. especilly when my so called friend turns out to be one.

heh. well i prob hate her more than she hates me. she is just annoyed at me and wants to make me angry. i f00king hate her whore guts and wouldn’t mind seeing her life destroyed. i am not gonna do antyhing violent or criminal to her or anyone though. no violence or criminal stuff. but maybe shaming pictures of her being a whore, posted all around her neighborhood, facebook, and especially at the job. well, i would def not get hired back if i did that haha, and that prob is criminal. [NO CRIMINAL STUFF! I never did any of this of course. and yeah I kinda wish i COULD be that hateful and angry towards her again, it’s better than being sad and devastated.]

so lie, say i had so much fun, i went to see bla bla movie, bla bla concert, went to this fun thing, oh it was great, it was fun, me and my friend had such a good time, oh which friend, oh my friend make up name, could not say the girl from the job, because she might ask that girl. have to come up with a fake name. how about that young cute gurl who is going to MEDICAL SKOOL who i met at the young man’s party. she was cute, young, not a whore, and was going to medical sckool immed after undergrad, 22 or 23 years old at the oldest.  YEP just say her.oh how do you know her. oh just a friend of a friend, weve been hanging out more, SHE’S REAL COOL, real awesome new person i’ve been spending time with. [this is passive agressive girly games. dont do this.]

total lies, but i can morally justify it. in too much pain and anger and hate.

yeah THAT is on me, i am getting TOO mad and OVERreacting, but i am certianly entitled to a littl ebit of righteous indignation, even christ would agree!!! and certianly i HAVE gone overboard there. but f00k it. as long as i dont do antyhing stupid.

10 37 holy shit i just got a text back from her, was not expecting that. at around 930 i texted her saying how was bla bla. and now text at 1037. and i am out hanging out with my friends right now. can’t text her back for at LEAST 10 minutes. TEXT GAME BEGINS. i am honestly a little tired to go out, was about to lay down and go to sleep, but we will see. well lets at least record what she said here: [i was out hanging out with friends right now? that really doesnt make any sense. maybe I was just about to leave to go out. i dunno. i dont see myself writing in this while I was hanging out with friends, im just not that rude!!!! not sure what I meant here. OOOOOHHHHHHHH I meant I was playing TEXT GAME and I was PRETENDING I was hanging out with friends, so I look like I’m not sitting around waiting for her to text back like I actually was. look like I have a life. Which i dont, hahaha. how pathetic!]

yes it was so nice meeting him im still trying to process it all still. hope your day at work wasnt too rough and have a good holiday 🙂

[ I knew she was meeting this person earlier in the day who…….i cant say too much but I did NOT suspect her of wanting to fook him. he is a middle-aged family man with a wife and children. I think she viewed him as kind of a father figure. well I liked being her father figure too! anyway even if she DID want to fook him, I think he would be decent enough not to fook her.]

wow sounds like something i would write. does not strongly imply she is getting f00ked by bla bla right now, but does not not strongly imply it either! in fact she is putting on whore makeup right now and whorepants and going over to get 00ked right NOW and being happy about it, and throwing me a crumb on her way out the door to be f00ked, and it DOES strongly imply that she does not want to hang out with ME tonight!!! [i was convinced she was going out slutting it up with hot young guys, including the Cool Sexy Level 3 guy from work hahaha]

f00king two faced lying phony fake bitch, i will like to her just like she is a f00king phony nice to me. but i am not phony nice to her! i am honestly a nice guy ™

ahahahahahaha yes i AM a CLASSIC TEXTBOOK niceguy(tm) thining hes entitled to luv just because once friends with grill

well i’m in bed ant too tired to go out, btich should have texted me promptly if she wanted that. or how about at any point during the day saying “yeah ok i am finalyl ready to hang out now, come over at 8 o clock and bangme already”

nope hahahaha. bitch. n1993r loving stupid degenerate disgusting whore.

april 5 easter, 931 am, pooping on toilet

well she did text me back again, and implied she wasn’t out getting f00ked like a n1993rr loving wh0re, and then i felt better about her. but not alot. [its because she did stuff like this that i hadnt lost all hope with her. and its not that she was stringing me along. its because she honestly was a decent person sometimes.]

tell her “it’s easier to get approval to escalate a case than to get approval to hang out with you!” just kidding. but not really lol. [why not just tell her that? I should have. maybe I included it in a work chat she just glossed over. See I could write her stuff but she would MISS it.]

tell her i miss her but i also kinds feel that shes left me hangin and im not sure what she really feels but i am confused and prob she is confused too, well i am confused by her confusing behavior. not confused over the fact i want bang her and go out with her and make her monog gfran.

take shower next, go out to longass easter mass but have a nice relaxer beforehand.

try to write some stuff that i can say, bs talking points to say in the worlds worst situations, to explain the worst disappointmnets. those are the only flashcards i really need.

wrote her a SHORT DRAFT email of real stuff that i should say. i could actualyl send this. but it does need to be as short as possible. [yes i should have actually sent something ASAP.]

APRIL 7

go to new file son

END MARCH 2015 . TXT

END POST hahahahahaha

NEETSPLAINING TO NORMIES

april 15

shit. paying 5 dollars to get an “OFFICIAL” pdf transcript of my 70 credits at community college. well, it looks better than an unofficial transcript. hopefully has the Solemn Seal of the Esteemed, Reputable college hahahaha. no the college is fine. it has produced many successful winners who make way more money and have way more kids than me hahahaha. shit. like That Woman. shit. i cant believe she’s even capable of a 5 year intimate relationship with a man hahaha.

fookin NORMIES dont seem to understand LUV. when you get your heart broken, you wail and moan and feel like you’re the only one who has experienced this. But you’re really not. everybody has.

but i wonder: is that true?? I really DONT think many normies experience both love this deep, and heartbreak this deep. They get over it in a couple months at most, more like a couple weeks!

within a few months at longest, they are FOOKING new people!!!!!!

dont be so god damn quick to jump into bed with new people like an easy slut!

KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS!!!!

CLOSE YOUR LEGS!!!!!

CASUAL SEX IS VERY BAD!!!!

The only normies who can understand are those whose Beloved Wife DIES, and they are like Welp, that is it, the love of my life is gone and she can’t be replaced. I dont even WANT to be with anyone else. Sometimes they get married again YEARS later. but for YEARS they aren’t even REMOTELY INTERESTED in trying to find anyone else.

I was watching hunt for red october which is an ok movie, and liked the high pressure situations where they were seconds away from death and waiting on the order of a possibly crazy captain, who never ever explained the crazy shit he was doing. so people would get FLUSTERED and say CAPTAIN do you REALIZE what youre DOING, and he would sit there like a stone for a few more seconds, then bark out an order.

well, in this case, the crew was not trying to explain weird inexplicable shit to End Users, and also their captain was right there telling them exactly what to do, taking ownership and responsibility, even if he gave no explanation.

but I was trying to make sense of shit too. like WHY CAN’T the sub see another sub that is following directly behind it? but the sub in back can see the one in front?

don’t they have radar as well as sonar? that can see a big metal ship in any direction?

how do torpedoes home in on whatever? they can seek a large object…..even if its not the sub they intended to hit. and you can accidentally blow yourself up. is this actually possible or just a tom clancy fantasy?

what is the chain of command here? who is in the loop and who is not? what if someone makes a clerical error hahahahaha.

how high do you have to be in the CIA to override orders by a ships captain? who’s the most powerful highest up person here?

this might be a problem with tom clancy. just throwing in confusing details without explaining anything, without even really caring.

the movie is great in parts and has a ridiculously strong cast, sam neill, tim damn curry, even a young stellan skarsgard!! but it has other parts that fail to impress the mature man of the world. like theyre just jerking off and bullshitting here.

the implication is that the russians are speaking russian the whole time. this is why they start out speaking russian and then after about 10 minutes they start speaking english. i never understood that when I was young. But it makes sense now that I am older. and I found it pretty reasonable unlike other parts of the movie.

i guess if  ever get a call for an interview I will go to damn thrift store and look for a somewhat presentable jacket. the one I have now isn’t BAD…..I just feel like its a bad luck charm. it is dark gray and I would prefer blue or lighter gray. also I should get a different tie.

5 dollars for a damn pdf. well at least I dont have to do that again. this is because a City Govt requested proof of associates degree or higher for blabla program assistant job. today I learned you can have OFFICIAL transcripts as a pdf. not just unofficial. So now I have OFFICIAL pdfs of all my transcripts for future use. That is a good thing.

I hope I didnt scare the mutual friend too much with my long email. I will not send any more long emails! But I did want to VENT to them and tell them the full story, and I believe I have. I mean its not a short story!

http://mentalfloss.com/article/64931/14-deep-facts-about-hunt-red-october

interesting but I’m looking for something a bit more critical and sense-making

http://www.moviemistakes.com/film636

pretty in depth and probably would have mentioned a severe technical error. didnt mention anything I was expecting. maybe the movie is pretty factual.

but why the fook couldnt sonar or radar see or hear a sub behind you? all the crazy ivans? why? when CAN you see or hear a sub in your area? within how many degrees of being At Your 6? what if they are at your 7????? can you see them then????

this has to be a Known Issue, otherwise, in my uneducated opinion, that page would mentioned it. I mean tom clancy SHOULD know, and the navy people they consulted with, but I dont trust them to reveal basic knowledge about subs that would not be obvious at all for the layman. cuz thats whats so obvious to me. i might have missed a line in the movie. I came in about 20 minutes in and my mind was wandering and the commercials were excruciating.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baffles_(submarine)

heheheh I finally found the article I was looking for. It only took 2 hours. well I probably could have done it in 20 minutes if I werent multitasking hahahaha.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sonar

read, understand, and now fix the sonar technician’s sonar problem. don’t ask me for help. figure it out. that’s your job. hahahaha. fix it quickly. get him off the phone. we have more people like him to service.

i am just mad HER and other normies can handle their jobs without breaking down. fooking normies. they make the difficult look so damn easy. then i get resentful because they “dont want to help me, dont want to share their secret information, they keep it in their normie clique.”

we used to be on the same team! I used to be able to trust you!!!! you changed more than I did!!!! hahahaha

and THIS is the woman I got along with better than any other woman ever. ABSOLUTELY UNBELIEVABLE.

yeah they tell you theres no such thing as a stupid question……..

but in the WORKING world, EVERY question you have related to your job is a stupid question, or at least an annoying and wasteful question which is slowing down your whole department. so DONT MAKE MISTAKES, and DONT ASK QUESTIONS, MORON.

well how do I figure out how to do my job then?

ITS CALLED INITIATIVE. SHOW SOME. FIGURE IT OUT. you said you were a go getter and self-starter. prove it.

when I was young I never even imagined this aspect of jobs. I thought jobs were simply long and boring at their worst. boy was I wrong! I never knew how uncertainty and doubt and confusion could destroy your mind even worse! combined with pressure to do things FAST, do things RIGHT, and explain this, and deliver this unexplainable bad news, with no help.

Drowning. not only is drowning bad, but its SCARY as fook!!!!!! it MORE that just SUCKS! its TERRIFYING as well!!!

I wish I was able to deal with that terror!

tried doing 3 miles straight of slow jogging yesterday. was able to do it and could prob do more. did not feel totally worn out and tired. although i slept pretty good. i dont think it would be enough to clear the mind after a hard days work though.  need higher speed or longer distance. I would rather do longer distance. might have to try 4 miles hahahaha. definitely got past my plateau and am continuing to lose weight tho, so thats good. have lost 17.6 pounds since jan 1.  18 pounds in…..16 weeks hahahaha.

when you love someone and want to spend a long time monogamously with them, its disgusting and infuriating to know they are being a SLUT with other men, giving dat pvssy up to many other men, quickly and easily, when she had no attraction to you whatsoever, and wouldnt give it to you if you paid her 1000000 dollars.

why cant normies understand this. i always have to NEETSPLAIN everything to normies hahaha.

its not that hard! i cant believe normies dont get this! just like I cant believe women constantly need such mansplaining! i wish i didnt HAVE to mansplain or neetsplain! this is EASY MODE common sense! not even the harder common sense, but actual common common COMMON sense!!!!!

women can get pregnant, men can’t!!!!

having your heart broken hurts a LOT for a LONG time and takes a LONG time to get over and you shouldnt FOOK other people during that time of grief and processing!!!

what I wanted to say is that when you LUV someone, it’s FUN to be with them. Being with them motivates you. It’s more than hedonistic sensualist fun, it’s good clean wholesome god-loving innocent loving fun.

It may be kinda fun to hang out with friends. but its REALLY REALLY fun to hang out with the person you LUV. you get REALLY EXCITED about it. You can have a bad day and they walk in and its a ray of sunshine and you forget all your worries.

thats something your regular friends can’t accomplish.

its REALLY HARD to install the SPELLCHECKER for Notepad++.

I luv notepad++ because obviously plain txt files are best ways to type and create stuff. then you just copy and paste them to word or pdfs or wherever. it is a small fast program and you can open 50 documents at once in tabs, which is YUGE.  but I would LUV for it to have a spellcheck. it does have a plugin, but its fookin impossible to install. because you have install other GNU plugins and shit that only Computer Science Engineers know how to do.  I mean the average woman making 15 DAH, this is gonna be WAY over their head. Shit I need somebody to mansplain it to me.

i needed somebody to mansplain the stupid articles at my job!

thats all it was. you know how technical manuals are never written in plain english and are frustrating as fook? often missing information? giving no understanding of the process? well that was our main resource on fixing problems. read this fooking confusing, incomplete bullshit, understand it, and use it to fix their weird shit.

I say just make mistakes. make mistakes until they fooking FIRE you.

protip: some people make mistakes ALL THE TIME and DONT get fired. If you keep a somewhat decent attitude, you can make 1000000000 mistakes a day and not get fired. just have to find a way to live with being scolded all the time for your mistakes. oh well. dont take it personally.

IF YOURE NOT GETTING OFFICIALLY WRITTEN UP…………….IT DOESNT MATTER!!!!

and then companies will have very clear policies. like three official write ups equals termination or something.  and they will TELL you when you are getting written up. They will GIVE you a letter. There is lots of ambiguity in the world, but not on that.  when you get an official warning, you will know it.

if you don’t, well the company doesnt deserve you then. fook them. quit that shit without a new job lined up hahaha.

I never got officially written up. But I saw other people getting official write ups. I went in to use the printer and there was write ups for people which the manager forgot to pick up, hahaha. im just grateful i didnt get written up for printing work related stuff , but which was a non-actionable non deliverable hahaha. It was not a directly cost cutting related printout in other words.

Shit I’ll buy my own REAMS of paper if they’d let me. I bought my own pens and notepads and post it notes! whereas NORMIES STEAL that shit from the office and bring them HOME! I bought my OWN at the store and brought them TO the office! Sometimes I GAVE other people post it notes!!!! I gave HER post it notes all the time!!!!!

applied for 4 county jobs. I am lucky they even HAD 4 full time jobs OPEN! but the county is a large employer of the county’s residents. like 1000 employees!!!!! one of the few places where you can get a 14 DAH entry level job with health care and 401k!

Us millennials think a 401 k is so great, when the god damn baby boomers were getting PENSIONS!!!!!!!!! hahaha.

also 401k’s are SHITTY. In a financial emergency, your 401k will DISAPPEAR. I almost wonder if its SAFER to put your money in a regular savings account and make .00000001% interest. Rather than risk THE WHOLE THING to get like 3% a year.  I mean its not like we’re not headed for collapse!!!!!

it seems kinda STUPID to use a 401k! the WHOLE THING could be wiped out!

so what’s the smart alternative?

physical gold which you guard at home with many gunz, of coursh!!!!!

many sons and lots of guns, hahahaha. your sons can guard your gold with guns while you are off prostituting yourself for the god damn j00z, hahahahaha.

oh wewlad i got an appointment to take the damn post office test already. I applied for a city carrier Position (just call them JOBS.wav) and then quickly got an email to take a test! usually the test is all full up. i never took the actual test before. anyway they had an online portion i could take right now and had to take within 3 days. took that right away. 150 questions, 90 minutes to complete. bunch of personality shit. the psi inc company.

i was dishonest and distorted even though it said doing that would not be in my best interest.

hahahaha watch they stick me in the most stressful job because my test results said I LOVE stress. well then Ill just quit again hahahaha.

i wonder if blacks handle job stress better than whites. the blacks will just say fug u mufugga bix nood and be surly and shitty, while whites get flustered and crazy and Worried. whites really want to do a good job, blacks dont care, and will do shoddy quality if it means not worrying. don worry be happy mon.

but yeah. damn. my life was better with her in it. she added a lot of positives to my life. she was a lot of fun and she built me up and made me strong just by being around.  well when she became distant, then being around her made me weak and worried and weak. and overall she was a net negative and i wish i never met her…..because she did add so much “value.” YUGE value-add with her. and her leaving has left a YUGE void which I don’t know how to fill. well i have to learn how to live with the void. love the void hahaha.

normally the person doing the dumping also gives SYMPATHY to the person they’re dumping.

to be dumped with no sympathy is ROUGH. it would hurt a NORMIE, and devastate a low confidence neet loser! also also make you think you did something TERRIBLE to be treated that way!

but she was set up to fail, she had no father to teach her how to dump a guy.

but mothers can do that do! her single mother was actually pretty good and taught her how to be a nice gurl and not a huge slut.

yeah well she didnt teach her how to dump a guy hahahahaha.

ps i got the notepad++ spellchecker working using the following method:

https://notepad-plus-plus.org/community/topic/6966/spell-checker-plugin-issue-with-v6-8-1-missing-gnu-aspell-and-or-dictionaries/2

KEEP YOUR PVSSY IN YOUR PANTS, SLUT!!!!

YOU CAN GET PREGNANT, MORON!!!!!

SEX ISNT SUPPOSED TO BE CASUAL!!!! ESPECIALLY NOT FOR WOMEN!!!!!!

sorry sometimes I just have to explode with butthurt mansplaining.

but not all mansplaining is butthurt. men LIKE feeling smart. maybe women PLAY DUMB to stroke mens ego, to make them feel smart.

or they play dumb to see how dumb the man thinks they are.

god damn dumb btich. ever think its part of the provider and protector role? that its similar to the chivalrous good feels men get from helping or protecting women? similar thing with mansplaining. its BENEVOLENT in other words. benign.

i guess sometimes its less benign. lets say its 66 good and 33 bad.

i mean ive done both. I felt good and strong and kind when I sometimes mansplained things to That Woman. other times I was frustrated like you fooking MORON how can you BE so Dense!!!!!! I’m not a fookin GENIUS, how dumb are YOU?

also its stupid that women PLAY DUMB just to break your balls and shit test you like that. they’re TRYING To make you mad. they dont LIKE to make you mad, and it sure doesnt turn them on or like you more! its a shit test! they’re trying to make you mad, so if you get mad, they can reject you!

therefore, since mansplaining can be good or bad depending on the situation, so can women playing dumb be good or bad. sometimes they do it to invite good mansplaining to make you feel strong. that means they like you. sometimes they play dumb to shit test you and if you mansplain angrily then you fail the test and the poosy SNAPS SHUT. and they will never admit to this because they’re not even aware of it. they honestly dont think its true. their own natures are hidden to themselves. this is adaptive for some reason. probably similar to how other things like Ovulation and The Womb are CONCEALED. Its just a by product of the uterus and the power it holds. you cant hate them for it.

but you CAN get sad then they dump you brutally, because because dumped brutally hurts INHERENTLY, i dont care WHO you are.

 

 

 

 

FEEL YOUR FEELINGS / DONT GET FEELINGS BEFORE SHE DOES

hehehe 921

i am stealing that from The Book.

went to bed early but didnt sleep all that well, thinking about you know what again. its just as much The Rel Itself as it is Her.

thought about the guys at the job she was becoming friendly with and will probably fook even though she said she doesnt like sluts who fook guys from their job. oh well. she changed into a horrible person. or becoming friends with sleazy guys she previously said she didnt like. because they creep on her friend. now shes friends with them and thinks IM a piece of shit. and thinks the people she once thought were pieces of shit, are now awesome.

just a total 180 hahahaha.

i Felt Muh Feelings of total Anger and Hatred. I even entertained some truly horrifying thoughts which i cannot divulge here because there’s no way to say it safely! then i decided just to chalk it up to feeling the feelings, and standing in the midst of the firehose torrent, and think some truly ugly things, that actually caused me to laugh in their ridiculousness. like if i were a real psycho, a real psycho would go chop off her head and arms and legs and leave a headless, armless, legless TORSO in her house and leave the limbs and especially head in conspicuous places for the family to find. put the head in the refrigerator, shit like that. then i laughed, like wtf am i thinking. a much more normal person would just execute her quickly and mercifully with a few bullets to the head while they were sleeping.

NOTE WELL: I WOULD NEVER COMMIT A CRIME OR DO VIOLENCE AGAINST ANYONE. VIOLENCE IS IMMORAL AND WRONG. carving someone up into a TORSO is immoral and wrong. it just reflects the anger you have at being hurt. and you have to allow yourself to Feel The Feelings hahahahaha. doesnt mean you would actually do it. i would NEVER actually do it!

then i realized it was ok to have these horrible thoughts as part of Feel The Feelings, as long as i didnt act on them. or begin making ridiculous plans. i mean i would not even go slash her TYRES.

then i thought, if someone DID slash her tires right now, i would be the prime suspect, and that would suck.

it would also mean she is fooking over several people in quick succession, because i didn’t do it!

when you have Multiple Suspects for whoever slashed your tires becuase you are CONSTANTLY breaking guys hearts and dumping them like garbage. doing this to several guys at a time. kinda like you get pregnant and there are 10 different guys it could be.

BECAUSE YOU HAD SECS WITH 10 DIFFERENT GUYS IN THE SPACE OF A WEEK. HOLY FOOK.

thats why another good question to ask a woman is, has a guy ever slashed your tires or done stuff like that. how did the breakup with him go? did you talk to him? did you just ignore him completely? did you do a 180 on him?

not that stalking is ever right, but i have my Pet Theory that A Small Majority of Stalking is caused by BAD Breakups. Its not GOOD breakups that lead to stalking.

and i would extend that hypothesis to a corrolary of, a small majority of Bad Breakups could have been Good Breakups, through the complete control of the woman. the woman could have made it a Good Breakup if she had just let the guy down easy, communicated with him, hadnt done a bipolar bitch 180 on him. in luv with him one day, dumping him the next.

now its never right to stalk or do violence on anybody. but if a woman chooses to dump you in the worst way possible, it makes sense that a guy would be driven crazy.

we are also eliminating instances where the guy brings a Bad Breakup on himself by being abusive or whatever.

im talking about where a decent guy just gets a ton of bricks dumped on him and its a huge shock hahahaha.

i am watching this thing on discovery id about a young man who was dumped by his gurlfran of 3 years, at the end of high school, for no real reason, she just didnt feel good about the rel any more, and she wanted out. typical. no desire to try to fix it hahahaha why work on it, just throw him away after 3 years hahaha. nothign worth working on here.

then he went crazy, obsessed with her, and getting back with her; they all lived in miami and went to high school together; his friend was a handsome man; the gurl and the friend went to college in gainesville, and met each other there, and fell in luv immediately, her soul mate bla bla bla.

then the original dumped guy shows up in gainesville, he has been plotting this whole time in a Creepy Sociopathic Journal. thoguhts of suicide, obsessing about her, etc. so he chooses to go to college in gainesville as well just to be close to her.

NOTE WELL that i do NOTHING like this!!!! i have a creepy weird journal where i obsess about the postmortem of the Rel, and admit that i want her back, but NEVER do i PLAN and PLOT to be near her, or stalk her, or an actual plan to try to get her back, because i know it wouldnt work, she’s made up her stupid mind, and theres nothing i can do. i just want to never see her again, or if she changes her stupid mind, she can contact me.

anyway he moves to gainesville and is jealous of his former male friend of course, he has Won The Heart of his bitch Ex GF who dumped him for no good reason.

so he kills the guy and dumps the body in a swamp.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/news/christian-aguilar/

heres a fookton of huffpo articles on the true crime story, of course i hate huffpo but theres no wikipedia article.

basically this young man pedro bravo killing this other young man christian aguilar.

http://www.miamiherald.com/news/local/community/miami-dade/article1980000.html

http://abcnews.go.com/US/girlfriend-center-gainesville-love-triangle-thought-killer-capable/story?id=25060406

so i have some scary awful thoughts once in a great while, not regularly, but the idea that i would act on them is ridiculous!

besides in stories like this, i always think its amusing that the guy usually kills the other GUY. why not K the GURL instead? shes the one who LEFT you. shes the one who CHOSE this other guy. yeah its bad taste for your former friend to date her, but he wouldnt be dating her if SHE DIDNT CHOOSE HIM!!!!! if youre gonna K anyone K her hahahaha. shes the one to blame. root cause.

who cares about the guy. like any guy is gonna turn DOWN a very cute young gurl. fook no. never gonna happen. dont blame the guy, blame the gurl. women are the choosers. they chose to dump you because i dont feeeeeeeeeel like im in luv with you any more i dont know why and im not willing to work on it; and they choose to get with your damn friend and be soulmates with them.

dont K him and not the gurl! damn. hahahahaha.

but yeah gurls need good fathers to teach them how to dump guys the right way. or at least they need to listen to me.

women, when you decide to BAIL OUT of a rel and not work on it and just throw the guy away like garbage because your Spark Has Faded and youre not feeling it any more…… that is crushing and  heartbreaking for the poor guy you’re crushing. show him just a shred of god damn mercy. treat him like a human being. know you are hurting him insanely. realize this can ruin a guys damn life. if the guy is neurotic then understand you need to treat him with kid gloves. this is gonna DESTROY him. you are DESTROYING a guys life completely out of the blue simply because you didnt want to lift a finger and make an effort to improve the rel, you just single handedly decided  you were done, without consulting him.

of course this is how rels work, two to make it, one to break it. hard to start, easy to end. fine. but just be damn AWARE that you are causing some poor guy a LOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT of pain and you OWE it to him to try to minimize that pain, and dump him in a way that will not drive him completely crazy.

but our culture says, oh him going crazy is all on him, you are entitled to dump a guy whenever and however you want and you are always the good guy! and if he gets upset at all, he’s the bad guy and that proves why you dumped such an abusive controlling sociopath!

NO! he’s upset because his damn heart is broken and his life is ruined!!!!!!!!!

heh. she knew i was sensitive and emotional and that a dumping would be hard on me.

and i KNOW BETTER than to do stupid shit like Act Out.

but it would behoove women to treat every guy they dump as a potential psycho, cuz this is gonna hurt him a LOTTTTT more than it hurts you baby. put yourself in his shoes. he doesn’t WANT to get out of this. HE wants to fight to make it WORK. you just want to bail out like a fooking coward bastard deadbeat dad abandoner bitch hahahaha.

solicit his advice in the Best Way To Break Up with him. ask him, what can i do to make this easier.

treat me like a human, he’ll say. show me some respect and tenderness. help me move on. help me get closure. talk to me. communicate with me. write emails.

heh. men have to teach women how to be kind and tender and gentle. so fooked u. men shouldnt even KNOW how to to be kind and gentle. so i guess thats mens fault for being unmasculine.

so yeah ask the gurl how many stalker guys shes had. tire slashers. i bet if shes attractive at all, she will have at least a few. say hmmm and ask well what was the dumping like. did you treat him like a human being, or did you treat him like a piece of garbage. oh i see. well try not to treat human beings like pieces of garbage then.

un fooking believable.

but no. women are allowed to dump men for ANY reason and in the harshest ways possible, without being frowned upon. i just dumped my husband of 25 years because i woke up one day and just felt weird. so i dumped him. he was upset at first and called me and was yelling and crying. therefore, i am completely justified and vindicated him dumping him. this revealed itself as the actual reason i dumped him: because he was an abusive socipath monster who would get angry and upset and yell at a woman! you go grrrrl! kick that piece of shit to the curb!

this is how women actually think, “think”, and how they ruin good men’s lives. monsters! barbarians! demons! they are not HUMAN!

heh i was not nearly as hateful towards All Women after the previous woman dumped me!

now i think all women are gonna dump me lke this!!!!

which is not true. some women DO dump you in a good, mature, adult, humane way.

anyway of course i am not gonna DO anythign stupid or violent to the woman, but god damn i have to Feel The Ugly Feelings of extreme anger. its ok to feel the feelings. just dont act on them. and im not!!!!!

also be very careful about expressing the anger to others because they will think you are a weird buzzkill who cant get over it, who is a creepy obsessed weirdo! express it through maybe sharing it with your family, and also writing angry letters to the person (dont send those!) and voice recordings, journaling, blogging.

yeah so i am very angry at her. she didnt have to dump me in this way. she could have spared me a LOT of this pain and anger and hatred and obsession and suffering. she could have made this a lot easier for me. but she chose not to, because that would be harder for her. oh well boo fooking hoo bitch. fook yourself and your whole fooking white trash family. fooking losers.

its ok to have these types of thoughts too! think the most insulting horrible things. like your father was right to abandon you because your family is crazy and you suck, you sucked so much as a 1 day old baby, you pushed him away.

or your beloved family member is a degenerate drug addict and nobody else remembers his wasted life fondly because he was actually a piece of shit.

or your mother is a fooking whore who cant keep a man and who chooses only shit men and no wonder youre a piece of shit too who choses shit men and treats good men, like me, like shit, you fooking idiot whore bitch.

so try to get all this anger out. its not good to keep all this anger bottled up.

its also good to “FORGIVE” them which guarantees the anger is permanently gone. “forgiving” them is not necessarily forgiving them, its about just saying the damn words and “letting go” of them, so you can purge/detox this shit person from your life forever and stop obsessing about them, and let them become part of the past which you are not still holding onto in bitterness. to be truly done and over them.

but yeah dont be too angry to your friends about her. you can say, welp, she quite honestly broke my heart and i do not appreciate that. she could have saved me a lot of suffering if she had handled this like an adult rather than threw me away like a piece of shit. you’re my friend, you know im not a piece of shit, and that i deserve better treatment than that. so yes i am angry about that, but i will get over it in time. but it was very painful. and i will be angry for a little while longer. i have to feel my feelings hahahahaha.

you know you are OVER THEM when you no longer WANT THEM BACK.

shit i am angry as fook at her but i still want her back! i will still want her back for MONTHS! thats just fooked up.

dont want guys to go psycho on you? dont dump them in a way that makes them go psycho hahahaha.

i bet she thought i was gonna go psycho. well them dont dump me like that, BITCH.  but yeah i didnt go psycho. i wrote you a few pathetic emails saying please treat me with respect, please treat me like a human being, please let me down easier, please end this better, and that was fooking it. no slashed tires. no phone calls or streams of texts and messages. i have been solid no contact for over a month now. no bags of dog shit in front of the house. no bricks through the window. no torsos hahahahahahahahahahaha.

so yeah you dumped me in the worst way possible and i still didnt go psycho.

another thing BITCH. if they are decent and moral enough to not go psycho on you, realize they will be in great pain themselves and may hurt themselves. like K themself. oh yeah i had some thoughts like that. not gonna do it though, but the thought certainly crossed my mind. and i would certainly do that before i did something violent to someone else!

fathers teach your daughters how to dump a guy nicely.

fathers teach your daughters how not to be whores.

fathers teach your daughters to only date one guy at once and not be cheating scumbags.

isnt this a john mayer song hahahaha.

so the common theme in ALL my luv rels is, they have ALL been one sided. the woman NEVER luved me or liked me.

so the lesson learned is not simply don’t fall in luv too quickly; or don’t fall in luv until after you’ve had secs (indeed, ideally, you WOULD be in luv BEFORE having secs, espcially for women!!!!!!), BUT…….

drum roll…….

DONT FALL IN LUV WITH HER, UNTIL SHE HAS FALLEN IN LUV WITH YOU.

DONT GET FEELINGS BEFORE SHE DOES.

here endeth the lesson, drop the mic hahahaha.

and if you start to get feelings, tell her, rip the god damn band aid off immediately. if she doesnt want to talk about it in person, send an email or text or voice mail.

ask her if shes ever made a porno. then when she says, well, not a porno really but i made secs tapes with a couple guys, ask in a totally cool casual but direct way, can i see them?

shit i mean why not. then make your own secs tapes of her and take all sorts of secsy pictures of her. what better way to knock her down off any pedestal but to see a bunch of guys plowing her on video early on in the casual sex relationship hahahaha.

i partially want to contact her just to let her know how much she hurt me. i mean FOOK. you cant just get away with hurting someone like this with no consequences. but i am not allowed to bring those consequences because that wuld make the bad guy. i know better than that.

but jeez. when you hurt someone THIS bad, you SHOULD feel guilty. you SHOULD feel HORRIBLE. i guess it would be good enough for her to simply say “i know i hurt you and i feel horrible about it.” but she is so obtuse and bad at relating to people that she would have NO IDEA when she has hurt somebody at all, even GREATLY.

she has hurt me GREATLY and she has NO IDEA!

you just cant ruin somebodys LIFE and not even KNOW about the DAMAGE you caused!

so yeah i partially want to contact her and say, you just cant DO this to people. you caused me a SHITLOAD of pain and you deserve to know abotu the pain you caused. you SHOULD feel bad about it. i hope you do.

but you can see how this kind of communication could be Problematic hahahaha.

so i’m not gonna do it of course!

because i would STILL want to get back together with her. change her mind.  so im not gonna contact her at all. no contact.

but i would feel a little better knowing that she felt BAD about what she’s done. the pain she’s caused me. when you do something bad, you SHOULD feel bad. and its frustrating thinking she doesnt know shes done anythign bad, and that she does not feel bad.

no you cant choose to have feelings, but you can choose to dump somebody in a good way, and not in the shittiest way possible.

fook that.

well i know theres nothing i can do. if i email her saying you really hurt me a LOT, i just wanted you to know that, then im the bad guy, and also she’s not gonna feel bad. shes gonna say what a creepy weirdo, i did the right thing, im the good guy, hes the bad guy, i was gonna feel bad maybe, but NOW im not gonna feel bad at ALL!!!!!

i have also got the old rubber band on the wrist that you snap when you start obsessed about the woman.

so yeah i hate that i am DYING and she is just loving life and thinks she did nothing wrong.

why do i want to be with somebody who treats me with no respect? becuase i have low self esteem? i dont know WHY, i just know its gonna take me a long time to not want her any more.

plus i always thought she DID have respect for me. but at the end she transformed into a total bitch like i had never known. if she had always been like that, i never would have become friends with her.

hehe she changed more than i did. a lot more.

i deserve to be treated with respect. not dumped like a piece of garbage. she SHOULD feel bad about hurting me. but i am NOT gonna contact her to make her feel bad, becuase A that wouldnt work and B that would hurt me in several ways. there would be no payoff for me, only punishment. no incentive. only disincentive.  but yeah she fooking hurt me by not even TRYING to end the rel in a mature or respectful way. she could and should have done that much. she seemed like the type of decent person who would. but she didnt. oh well. its over it doesnt matter. but she caused me so much pain. just want to put this all in the past permanently.

so yeah it sucks to lose the good shit, but the good stuff was already GONE, MANY MONTHS AGO.

the bad shit is the most recent and fresh and painful. and i am glad to be DONE with all that HORRIBLE shit. good fucking riddance. THAT bulshit i would gladly THROW AWAY FOREVER.

DONT GET FEELINGS UNLESS SHE DOES. If you do, write an email immediately and try to get her to dump you in a respectful gentle way.

put it this way. if I hurt someone this bad and didn’t know about it, IIIII would want to know about it! so that i could feel bad about it! I am moral and ethical enough that i know i SHOULD feel bad when i hurt someone badly! if i hurt someone badly and didnt know about it, shit i would want SOMEONE to tell me, so i could say, oh shit, im sorry, i didnt realize they were so hurt, now i feel bad, AS WELL I SHOULD.

but since i am more EMPATHIC and more MORAL, i would PROBABLY have a good IDEA when i was hurting someone.

HINT: when you DUMP somebody youve known for YEARS without ever TALKING to them, you are probably HURTING them.

fooking white trash moron. i thought she was better than white trash but she is always gonna be white trash shit. well ok some members of her family i dont hate and feel sorry for being born in such a white trash family. but not her. she will carry that shitty torch of being white trash shit, and perpetuate that shitty white trash shit cycle. fooking moron cvnt. i fooking hate that bitch. fooking hurt me with no regard. how can you just DO That to a person. GOD STRIKE ME DEAD if i EVER hurt a person that much. this bitch has given me a new life mission: to never be as shitty of a piece of shit as she was to me. as she is period. hahahaha yeah i know she is nice to other people and only a piece of shit to me only. but i am me. so she might as well be nothing but a piece of shit. fook. ive known some pieces of shit in my time and said damn that bitch is a real piece of shit, you should have stayed far away from her buddy. but she was such a nice person.

well its not that she IS a piece of shit secretly. there was just a shitstorm of shit, and because her tragic flaw is taking the easy way out, and avoiding shit, pretending it never happened or existed, and a lot of people do this, including me sometimes, its not uncommon! but in doing that, she was very very shitty to me, despite not technically being a huge piece of shit. it doesnt MATTER. she was a huge piece of shit to me.

great neil song  “WORDS” which is 7 minutes on the album but needs to be at least 10 minutes. here is a 15 minute version recorded in 1971 ish in the barn

live in concert 2008, rock in rio, madrid.  also ben keith. seems to be same band as 2009 below. the bass player “rosas” died super recently and i believe right before he died he filled in for crazy horse billy talbot who has a stroke but hopefully gets better. 13 minutes. better than 10 hahahaha.

shit yeah i am a BIG neil fan!

live in concert 2009, glastonbury, still too short at 10 minutes. that guy on pedal steel is ben keith who played on the harvest version. he RIP now.

this song might just be the best capturer of this horrible time of loss and sadness and grief and anger and shit in my life. i always liked the song of course, but now its taken on a life of its own. i am glad i can listen to it every day and get enjoyment, but i hope i can come back to it years later and enjoy it on its own merits, maybe share it with other people who are lucky enough to be loved by me hahahahaha.

not crazy horse but still good. it does need the pedal steel guitar, good to have that.

one of the greatest things about neil is his ridiculous solos, the jam sessions where he rocks out in his own little world, but of course along with the great musicians in his band. like here Trading Licks with Ben Keith, himself no slouch, a professional pedal steel player…..but neil is fookin NEIL. also he never “shreds” or “wanks.” his Soloing abilities are not much better than MINE. but he plays ALL THE RIGHT NOTES. he can bring you tears with just the way he plays his guitar. he has just as unique a voice on the guitar, as he does with his actual voice.

the album version on “harvest” is great, some of the best produced stuff i’ve ever heard, just “live in the barn”, but its too damn SHORT at 7 minutes. i hate filler but if you have a song that can be extended to 10+ minutes, like this one, do it.

99% of “artists” could never write a song this good.

song of the YEAR 2015 hahahahahahaha.

hahahaha i hope that bitch can never listen to this song ever again ever because it reminds her of me and the pain she caused me hahahaha and how she made the worst decision of her life!

took nyquil early like 1 pm becuase i could, and because it takes 20 hours to get thru system hahaha.

millennial woes, “the sheer speed of sexual moral decline”

perfect video for the perfect moment muh friend!!!!!

comment that in the 90s, a (LARGE!) minority of college students cheated, now in 2015, a (whopping!) majority of college students admit to cheating, and these are the people in positions of power, says a comment:

” QUOTE

NSA Surveillance Subject #A314Z159 8 hours ago (edited)
I am a tail-end BB’er, age 56. To comment on moral decline sexually or overall is a larger topic than I have time for since it’s early morning here and I am getting ready for work. I can comment on an aspect that I believe is pertinent — in the 90’s (when I was out of college for 10+ years) I read a study which said 45% of college students admitted to cheating. A similar study more recently said that 90+% of college students had cheated, rationalizing that because of the costs of college, it was justified. When I was in college (late 70’s) I never cheated and I don’t know anyone who did. It happened certainly, but it was rare. I knew when I read the study in the 90’s that the future was going to be bleak, because people that cheat in college will cheat their whole life, take kickbacks, and generally conduct themselves without moral restraint in all aspects of their lives, and those corrupt, morally compromised people are in positions of power now, influencing organizations, media, institutions, and policies. Yes, I have seen a tremendous amount of change, none of which was sudden and obvious at the time, but instead so gradual as to be hardly noticeable from day to day and, all while I was working full-time and focused on surviving in my own little life. I don’t envy kids today … the future is a big question mark …

” END QUOTE

yep. damn. could ahve said it better myself.

pretty soon my “perfect angel” will be cheating too.

does the working class cheat LESS than the middle class? i hope so hahahaha.

ok gotta do a 3.6er.

shut your legs you damn cheating piece of shit whores hahaha.

welp she might have never cheated…..yet! but she is well on her way. what she did here was super immoral, also she did do something in her past which was kinda immoral, and which was kinda a red flag, but which i accepted, because……when it comes to women, you have to accept a lot of Moral Red Flags, or youre gonna be alone the rest of your life.

cheating is probably the hardest one for ME to accept, and perhaps i accepted her because she hadn’t ever cheated yet. but she did that one thing, and she did that horrible thing to me, (the thing before was technically worse!!!!), so its only a matter of time before the Immoral, Irresponsible Adult Child Cheats.

maybe i should just cheat just so i can join the 90% majority. i mean i probably wouldnt LIKE it!!!!!

but i really havent had any opportunity to cheat. you have to be in a Mutually Assured Monogamous Longterm Rel to cheat…….and i have never been in one of those!

if you dont think your rel is monogamous, if you never signed the contract of monogamy, then its not, therefore you can “cheat” on them and it wont really be cheating and it will be On Them for being Insecure. these are the kinds of Bullshit Life Lessons muh female friend will be learning now, as she Circles the Drain of Morality. So Sad. Well at least i am SO morally superior.

i have to feel all these feelings in order to Get THROUGH it!

well i could just do shady pseudocheating by Dating Several Gurls at once, then when they bitch at me, ill be like, what, you think were DATING, were just having SECS, ya dumb whore! you creepy clingy psycho! were not dating!

yeah there was good shit but it was done LONG AGO.

well….i still thought there was HOPE.  she gave me false hope by still being nice to be sometimes.

if you DO get feelings before she does, tell her immediately. if she doesnt meet wiht you in person, call or email.

i am ANGRY as fook at her right now, but she really is a decent good person.

well, maybe she’s NICE, but not GOOD. some say nice is not the same as good! and i would agree.

anyway she might even be a good person. she doesnt deserve all this anger.

well she deserves SOME anger. and i will not be angry forever. i mean the anger will go away in like a year hahaha.

so i might as wel be super angry to that WHITE TRASH PIECE OF SHIT BITCH so as to get all the anger out of my system. then i will forgive her and let go and i have to TRUST THE PROCESS and it does take time and go in cycles and phases hahaha.

this too will pass. THIS TOO WILL PASS!!!!!!

apparently you can watch big bang theory with the laugh track taken out, and see exactly how unfunny and stupid it is. if you need to do this to see how unfunny it is…….you are a lowbrow moron pleb. enjoy being a fat loser.

fooking bitch. i deserve better. i deserve someone who will TREAT ME WITH RESPECT.

its ok to be angry at someone. better yet, you can resolve anger thru Mature Communication. lets do some ROLE PLAYING:

i am angry at you, but dont worry, we can get thru this with the miracle of communication. i am not angry at you per se, i am angry at a perception, and im sure you dont INTEND to make me angry.

hurrrr i dun understandddddd

well ok. let me start, give you an idea. when you refuse to talk to me when i really want to talk to you, thats your right, but it feels like disrespect to me. i mean yeah we each have boundaries and own our own feelings but why dont you want to talk to me?

cuz!!! you always want to TALK! you TALK too much! and it doesnt do any good!

what makes you say that? tell me more about that. please expand.

cuz you act like you are SO SMART and i am SO DUMB.

i am sorry you feel that way. i can assure you that is not my intent. just like making me angry is not your intent!

this is stupid! i’m going out with one of my 10 black bull boifrans! at least they are fun and fook me like a real man and not always wanting to communicate! they just fook me hard! up the ass too!! we have vidyas of it!

ok i dont own you and because you didnt agree to a monog rel, this is not a monog rel, so therefore you can do what you want and im not allowed to get jealous! have fun getting fooked! i will just stay here crying because you are still refusing to commuincate with me! and i dont have any other gurlfrans because i am a beta pussy and totally unmasculine! may i please prep your bull?

hahahahaha.

well maybe i put too much faith in commuincation. sometimes all the communication in the world doesnt work to fix the problems, or when they Just Stop Loving You. i hate to hold up communication as some sort of GOD! it wouldnt have helped OUR situation. she would have just said…um…. OBVIOUSLY i dont LIKE you, WEIRDO. but even that would have been a little better.

its just stupid. people have BETTER releationships with her with HORRIBLE communication, just because she LIKES them more.

we can see that LOVE and WILLINGNESS are more important that mere Communication!

__________       ||| willingness / love ||| no willingness ||| _____

communication     |||      healthy rel         |||    it doesnt matter _____

no communication|||    unhealthy rel     |||||   it doesnt matter ________

hehehe like my matrix there. anyway point is communication is pointess without Love, which is essentally the WILLINGNESS to communication.  and she did not have that. so communication wouldnt have fixed jack shit.

not really any reason to make that matrix, i just like making matrices hahahaha.

i guess the willingness could be willingness to communicate and not necessarily willingness to luv.

accept, change, or leave.

she didnt want to accept me luving her. i didnt want to accept her not luving her, or also not talking to me. i wished i could make her luv me. she saw she could not change me from luving her. and she could not change herself to luv me. so leaving was the best deal for her.

but yeah if i ever leave someone i will do it in a GOOD way, even if it is hard. cuz i am geared towards the long term. women only think of the short term. thats why they have so many bastard babies with deadbeats who run off. their uterus doesnt make them any less short sighted. i wonder why not. it really should. youd think it would. this is how nonsensical and illogical women are. even when they body and their biology and nature should logically make them logical………..it doesnt.

stupid women.

i will never do this to a woman.

it is like being stabbed in the heart over and over and over and over again.

like she really reached in, tore the bleeding heart out, and stomped on it again and again.

when i listened to “from hank to hendrix” by neil young and he says “can we keep it together, can we still walk side by side”, the answer to that question is a resounding NO. i used to think of her by my side and now she has faded away into a ghost, a white cutout. very sad.

how could she do this to me?

JEEZ you think i would get it by now!!! because she doesnt like me AND more relevantly, she didnt want to tell me to my face because it was EASIER FOR HER NOT TO. simple path of least resistance. occams razor. she probably IS aware she has hurt me, and it DOES make her feel bad. just not bad enough to do differently.

well damn. it SHOULD make her feel THAT bad. i am not sure she broke any hearts before me. sure she had at least one beta orbiter but im not sure she BROKE HIS HEART like she broke mine.

this is why you always ask!!!!!!!!!! ask the sooner the better.

how many hearts you broke?

how many guys you fooked?

how many guys you cheated on?

how many times you dated (fooked) several people overlapping?

how many abortionz?

how many one night stands?

how many times you had secs with a guy without knowing him for at least ONE MONTH?

how many guys have you dumped by just abandoning / ghosting / silent treatment?

99.99999999% of women will respond yes or at least 1 guy, to at LEAST one of these horrible quesitons, that my ideal woman would say zero/no to ALL questions.

COME ON! THESE ARE ALL RED FLAGS!

im just screening for red flags! women do the same thing with men!

well the good news is, i cant see myself making any of these mistakes again. it is just not possible. i couldnt if i tried. i have grown as a person haha.

the bad new is, i cant imagine ever having feelings for another person again.

and if i do, i fear i will be SO desperate that i will SEVERELY compromise muh standards and set muhself up for another severe disappointment. find myself in a situation where i need to dump an ugly  30+ single mother hahaha.

what about a good looking under 30 single mother hahaha. well her i will put in my casual sex nonmonogamous harem hahahaha.

 

CONNECTION / WANTING TO TRY

aug 13

late at night. i should not even be writing. damn. so yeah this is by far the worst heartbreak of the whole life. only thing that comes close is woman 2 and 3, which were actually both in quick succession, both in the space of 1 year. cant believe i developed feels for 2 women in 1 short year, in fact it was 3 women, woman 4 was in there. but i never made out with her hahahaha. i did make out with woman 2 and 3, those two i pseudo dated before they dumped me for being too serious and they just wanted some casual fun. well they got what they wanted hahahaha.

i would love if woman6/8 (current) contacted me in a few months saying lets Reconnect and then we started dating and then i would have to bang her early because thats what all women want because thats what theyre used to, having secs within like 1 or 2 dates. then i would get serious all over again and she would probably dump me and i would be even more heartbroken. but at least i wouldnt be working with her hahahaha.

woman 2 and 3 were bona fide certified crazy bitches, just middle class career gurls, maneaters, who had done thru many men before me, and certainly many men after. i can see now how the match between me and them was horrible. there was no real connection, no foundation.

but i cant say that about this woman6/8. we had a connection, we got along well, we were similar, she was not a maneater, although she may be becoming one now, its sad. because of our “connection” i felt closer to her than i did to either woman 2 or 3, and i at least dated them for like few weeks hahaha. but out of all the women in my life, i think the connection with this woman was the most real, the deepest, the most meaningful, and thats why this is gonna hurt the most ever. and take the longest to get over. because it also ended horribly, no closure whatsoever; and because i cant hate her because she is not a bad person or a crazy bitch or a deceptive two face; because it also involves a job loss.

i try to go out and socialize when i can, but always end up comparing myself to the other people, who are well adjusted, gainfully employed, in rels, or not in rels and casually fooking people, and i think, well i like these people and they are more or less my friends, but they are totally different from me. it is hard to find a real connection. of course i try to look for the good in all peopel and its really not hard to find. but then more comparing. how come i just cant work a damn job like these people. they have a long day at work and can still come out and play trivia. when i was working i would go on hiatus from trivia because i couldn’t handle it. i would have to go to bed super early to try to sleep, just so i could squeeze in a short unsatisfying walk, and then study bullshit from my job. the cases of the day, cases of other people, shit i didnt understand, read shitty articles trying to clarify shit i didnt understand, and not getting anywhere becuase the articles sucked. were impossible to understand and often did not include useful information, because that was in secret documents given only to higher ups. that was how our company worked and why i wanted to get out of there, and also get out of the Field of Technical Support altogether. well i sure accomplished that!

so i try to tell myself thats what GODS PLAN was for me in this trial. but what does GOD want me to do next? contact this woman in 3 months hahahaha? no because i will always want her. if she contacts me then thats somewhat different. i mean i would tell her yeah lets hang out and talk, but i will always have feelings for you, i will always wonder what if, i will always want to give this a try. but she probably wont contact me!

so yeah it feels like i will never get over this, over her. but it is still super early. it will definitely take a long time. last time i made a big deal out of, well its gonna take at least 100 days. i kinda had fun with it. i cant do that now. i can barely get out of bed. also we had decent closure there, and i wasnt as attached to her. and i could still cope with life, do my job, do my stupid math classes. i recall it took longer than 100 days as well! but certainly less than 200 hahaha. then i saw that woman again like 9 months later and THAT was rough, that put me into a bit of a funk and i think i decided to increase my dose of paxil, which i was trying to cut back on because it was poison. then i said fook it, i did not want to see her again, pump me full of drugs, im desperate.

at this time i was developing my friendship with woman6/8! and me still getting over woman 5/7 also prevented me from getting super duper lovey dovey with woman6/8, and of course she had a long rel ongoing at the time.

in contrast to now, those were such good times!!!!

i am also a bit angry because it is not looking good to get my old job back, i have applied and sent a nice email to the manager. i dont really want to call them. recall this is the same place where i was on the short list for a sweet full time position late last year (shortly after my feels for the woman came into being.) i was pretty angry about not getting the job. now here i am applying for a much much lesser job in the department and not even getting a chance for an interview because they are probably gonna hire a 19 year old college student, and just dont want to even deal with me ever again. i mean i was essentially trying to beg for a favor, without trying to sound like i was begging. because you gotta always be positive. cant ever speak freely.

very mixed feelings about leaving my job. the one i was workign with the woman, getting good hours and good pay. more i think about it though, more i am not really that regretful about leaving it. it was a horrible job, and also workign with her would drive me mad, it already was.

i was going more crazy abotu the job, already staying up late, losing more sleep than usual, reading stupid cases and articles, even though i wasnt doing calls on those issues. writing more, staying up late writing, because i vowed to “expose these faggots” and really just vent all the 9000000000000000 tons of anger i had about the job and give examples of how stupid it was.

i might have been able to last one more 10 month season if she was not there. but her being there def pushed me over the edge, which i was definitely at already. and i am sure her being there helped pushed me TO the edge as well. definitely. it was affecting the work i was doing already. this is why you never fall in luv with a coworker. unless you have a really easy job that you can do while being distracted and angry and anxious all day. not a job where you need to focus like a steel trap math test all day every day.

but yeah you see some people they have good connections. mates that is. men and women that argue all the time and just do not seem to luv each other. marriages that you can tell are not going to last. people that really dont have anything in common. vs people that do have a good connection. i was at  wedding for one friend in 2014 and it was very touching and positive because you could tell that both him and his wife had a deep connection with each other, that they loved each other, and this marriage would probably last a long time, and then a year later, they have a wonderful baby child.

and i felt i had that connection with this woman. that is whats gonna make this so hard. we were both laid back people, both not super duper experienced with a lot of people, she only had 1 real boifran when we met. also i am not really laid back, but i present myself as very laid back, and prefer laid back people, and people think i am laid back, and i like to be thought of as laid back, even though on the inside, i am very high strung. i would much prefer to BE laid back. she wasnt promiscuous or a cheater, we both disliked cheaters and sluts, we had similar likes and dislikes, she did not wear a lot of makeup or dress like a whore, she was relatively awake to the things going in the world, she was gentle and kind and sweet and had a good heart, and though i was very jaded and bitter, i felt i still had a little bit of those things left in me too. she could bring out the best in me. maybe make me strong if this had worked.

but instead i am weaker THAN EVER. she was relatively young, she did not have any kids, she did not have too much baggage from past bad relships.

well instead of remembering all the reasons why i loved her, i should try to go back to the beginning and remember the reasons why i was On The Fence about ever Dating her. like when i thought, well she’s a little weird looking and secs with her would just be Too Weird. or her family life is too fooked up and that in and of itself is too much baggage, her background is just too tragic and rough.

yeah i used to think, shes my friend, and she’s not ugly, but secs with her would be JUST TOO WEIRD. I cant even bring myself to think about her that way. Heck I tried a couple times!!!! and it still felt weird.

heh.  after time it stopped feeling weird and somehow ended up feeling 1000000% right and not weird. such that i wanted to Date her, cuddle with her, touch her, make out with her, stare into her eyes, have intimate secs with her, have kinky secs with her, etc.

heh. for the pain of this heartbreak it would have been nice to actually really Date for like 2 months like i did with other women. who knows. what kind of communication would we have had. now that i think about it, my communication was never so great with the other women too. but how come it has to be ALL ON ME? i thought any kind of relship was supposed to be a two way street. i mean they have to WANT TO TRY.  and in my life, i’ve always WANTED TO TRY a lot harder than they did. they would rather throw it away. like i would want to throw away a shitty job hahahahaha.

 

THEY DONT REALLY NEED THE EGGS

aug 9

well i thought about writing her an email saying sorry for SCARING you, i didnt want to SCARE you, but it kinda cant be helped when someone is acting like a crazy person to you, that is truly scary. i was/am scaring myself. but im really not that crazy of a person, i would never hurt her, i just go crazy sometimes. i guess its anxiety more than anything.  i guess it could be manic stage, but its usually brought on by extreme stress or heartbreak or rejection and a bunch of stuff happening all at once. it only happens about once every 10 years hahaha and usually due to stress in life and is probably just nerves and anxiety rather than crazy per se.

aug 11

well i started writing that email and it was a pretty good email, i do write pretty good emails, then i “deleted” it because really what good would it do me, its another chance for me to reach out to her and her not to respond, cuz thats what i really want is a response. she could write me something saying sorry for refusing to talk about this, and for just wanting to throw everything away. besides i am in more pain than she is hahahaha. she can still do her job and take care of herself and have 10 boifrans in luv with her.

i mean she may have been a little scared but not debilitated. i feel like a damn disabled person hahahah might need to get social security disability. get on the disability express like all these stupid sleazy lawyer commercials they show during the day while responsible normalfags like her are at work and crazy psycho lazy losers like me quit their jobs hahahaha.

there was a lot wrong with the job, that literally took all my powers to maintain, and as soon as one thing got added, it was too much to handle. you were always just one step away from the edge.

just sucks cuz you think you know somebody, you think that there was at least enough appreciation for you from them that they would treat you a little better than this. i didnt treat her bad, i was a little SCARY sure. fook it.

watching this stupid show called “snapped” on the oxygen network or some shit where they have true crime stories of people killing their lovers or spouses and such. yesterday they had a man in wisconsin who was killed by a rejected x-lover who was in luv with him, but he wanted to ditch her, yet she was obsessed with him, and he was dating a new 50 year old woman, and the first woman could not take it any more, and K’d him, convicted, currently in jail.

i dont even know if i can watch pr0n because you think “is this what all women are capable of? could she do this same filth? probably. either way she is fooking other guys yet she wouldnt even do me the courtesy of TALKING to me.”

so yeah i guess now there is more anger happening.

either way i can barely imagine going back to working with her, even seeing her one hour a day. how come other people dont get strong feelings like this? theres people there right now who have been fooked and rejected yet they work with the rejector for 8 hours a day and manage to get over it. and here i go crazy even if i dont see her at all.

i just hope i would never do anything too stupid. i mean with woman3 i hated her and referred to her as my “NEMESIS.” and it was a pretty strong hate the likes of which i had not really felt for any one person, and i feel it could start to get similar here. well then OBVIOUSLY the best thing you can do is stay away from them.

what could have prevented this? a big talk? what if we had a big talk, and that escalated into a huge argument  whe she stormed off, i never want to talk to you again, and then same results. i probably would have ended up doing the same thing. to be honest. like if we had a talk, and the talk went bad. hmm suprised i never thought of that. maybe i am thinking more clearly now hahahaha.

i strangely thought that if we talked, it would automatically be a good talk. but really theres a very good chance it would have been a shitty talk and resolved NOTHING. and been just as productive as the No Talk we actually had.

weird. i could communicate and wrote some very moving touching expressive communicative emails which would have made anyone with a heart cry and say “he’s clearly hurting, let’s talk gently about this”, but i couldn’t Deal With Life. She can Deal With Life, but she can’t communicate For Shit.

heh. i would rather be able to Deal With Life than Communicate. Actions speak louder than words and all i have is words hahahahaha.

maybe the guilt will eat her alive.

maybe she will get pregnant by a badboy, then, knowing that i am in luv with her, come back to me at that point, pretend to be in love with me, get me to bang her ASAP (which you have to do if you want a chance with a woman you like, or else she’ll think you dont really like her, plus she gives the pvssy up to guys she’s only known for a couple HOURS anyway, so why not), and then be like oops im preggers, now take care of your child, when its really the badboy deadbeats child.

she might pull one of those huge cuck moves on me, shit, she surprised me with the way she totally left me hanging, i didnt think she was that kind of person, i thought she thought more of me, so that really destroys my trust in her.

i was worried i destroyed her trust in me by “hiding secret feelings.” but i was giving enough signals to come across as WEIRD, pretty much for months. i gave signals and expressed a desire to hang out and talk the instant the feelings started in october. by february things had gotten WEIRD cuz i was still begging to talk “can we please hang out next month if you dont wanna hang out this month?”. so by that time i should have of course blurted it out, because it was obvious we weren’t gonna have a mature talk about it.

but yeah i worried i destroyed her trust in me by lying to her. really she could have been more concerned about how she was destroying MY trust in her!!!!!! cuz i used to trust her, back when we were friends, and she clearly trusted me.

it is just INSANE though how it all went down. i dont think i am THAT out of order for wishing we could have talked about it. even just written emails.

had a couple of super lazy days. could not even force myself to go for powerjog. or do anything. sleeping with the rosary next to me so i can clutch it when i wake up. thankfully i have been sleeping at night some. but then you wake up and think oh shit now heres this insane reality where everything has hit rock bottom.

i was watching the Jilted Lovers show regarding that woman who was obsessively in love with the man, they were talking to his relatives who said, it was obvious it was one sided, she was just a Booty Call to him (the woman was 47 years old and NOT attractive in the least!) but she was in love with him, would come over and cook for him and do all this nice stuff for him, what was he supposed to do, just say no?

actually YES, he should have had the decency to be like this has got to stop NOW, he should have ended that YEARS ago, he should have said, welp its obviously you’re obsessed with me, how about we just end this now, rather than me keep allowing you to see me and fook me and cook for me etc. so yeah i think he had some moral responsibility to do that, but he just seemed like a not super morally developed extravert life of the party normalfag, while she was an introvert.

but me and the woman were both introverts! we got along very very well at the beginning! we had similar personalities, similar values! she wasnt some kind of extravert normalfag skank!

oh well just goes to show we can never really know anybody hahahaha. you can know somebody for 3 years and not really know them AT ALL, even when you think you know them and trust them. nope. not even a little bit. why the fook would you.

yep getting into the anger stage. so that means bargaining is next right? then depression then acceptance.

i dont know, i dont think its necessarily like that. cuz isnt bargaining sort of like denial? theres that sense of desperation, WE CAN STILL MAKE THIS WORK. well yeah you want to, but they dont.

and i thought i was already getting crushing crippling depression the whole time, you mean i haven’t really even reached that phase yet?

so i dont fully buy into that kubler ross stages of grief bullshit.

was debating sending an email, apologizing for being SCARY. i just dont know. im not sure i need to apologize any more, or that sending her anything would help ME. if anything she needs to apologize to ME hahahahaha. so i scared her. big deal, she is able to live with it. in am in more pain than her hahahaha. i am going fookin nuts. its a lot more painful for me to see her, than her to see me. she would be ok with seeing me every day and ignoring me. that would and was driving me crazy after just a couple days.

ok that paragraph was from somewhere else, just reiterating the point that i dont really want to send her ANY more emails. the ball could not be any MORE in her court. and she has never been good about responding when the ball is in her court.

but yeah i just thought i meant more to her than that. just last year before things started going bad she said something to that effect, that i was a good friend and she felt close to me or some shit. of course i should have grabbed her right then and there because that was probably my chance, but i did not feel it then. it was only a few months later that i did. and by that time, there was new boifran, no more feelings talk from her about how i was a special friend, etc. so stupid how a matter of like 3 months TIMING can totally ruin something that could have been good.

how does anyone get together ever? well they are just animal extravert normalfags who fook each other casually and then have babies thats how. they dont really feel anything for each other. thats why they are always cheating on each other.

well now she can become a filthy cheater too, just like EVERYONE ELSE hahahaha.

watching other peoples relships is so sad. its like you always have to have one foot out the door, its like a rule. how and why does anyone get together. its clear they dont really want it. they dont really need the eggs, to refer to “annie hall.”

but yeah she was really the most important person i had met in the past 3 years. even if we couldnt Be Together, i still felt close to her because of the Friendship. and it hurts to just flush that all down the crapper. how could THAT not mean anything to her? well maybe it meant something to her, but now its over, like a stage of life, like say goodbye to your monogamous phase and say hello to you promiscuous nonmonogamous phase. fook phases.

because its not just a one way street. you just cant say ok im done, so its over, see ya. well you CAN, and thats exactly how people have been getting hurt for centuries.

i guarantee there is a better way to reject people though: with compassion; treat them like a human being; communicate with them; pay them a fee; give them a negotiated upon number of Bangs; talk about everything; allow the person to vent all their feelings; let them down softly. dont just throw them into the Miserable Thresher Of Existence. you can let them down softly. dont just let go of their hand and let them drown slowly.

obviously i wouldnt want to FORCE anyone to be with me who didnt want to be with me. that is a recipe for resentment. but so is being fooking abandoned with absolutely no communication. even the other gurls who dumped me at least TOLD me they were dumping me! and pretended to be a teensy bit sorry about it!

so this is a pretty new experience for me, never had the totally 100% abandonment happen yet hahahaha. till now. add it to the encyclopedia of experience.