SHE COULD GET AWAY WITH NOT DEALING WITH IT

yep

sept 11

heh. not to insult the old friends of mine who are unfortuantely, sadly leftist, but……. i just remembered something that happened on our recent reunion that made me shake my head and told me that there was no hope in trying to Turn these people hehehehe.

basically it was simple, just talking about LB Johnson and how he was such a old school white racist who wanted segregation for blacks. it didnt matter that he was huge democrat and the great society and that he might have done more than any one president to turn our once great nation into a marxist progressive antiwhite disgrace. immigration, welfare, etc. they touched on this, but were like, YEAH BUT he was also a huge old school white racist from texas. he wasn’t a real modern democrat….even though he probably did more SJW shit than any modern democrat. all they saw was an evil white racist.

basically they should be worshipping this guy like he was the next MLK! but no, all they see is a white racist!

because he simply LOOKED LIKE a white normie from texas! just a masculine white man with a texas twang. never mind that his policies opened the door to giving BILLIONS to nonwhites!

really I should have said, YEAH BUT dont you think you’re underestimating the effect of the great society? i mean really, isnt LBJ the greatest person for Civil Rights since MLK? do you really think thats fair just to write him off as an evil white racist? he really wasnt old school at all!

i was just caught off guard by the ridiculousness of it, and also my communication skills were compromised by MJ!

and yet these are decent, moral white people parroting this nonsense!

they cant get past LBJ looking like a FOOKING WHITE MALE to realize the pretty obvious truth that he was a YUGE SJW and pretty much sentenced the white race to death hahahahaha. the fact that he has a twangy accent and wasnt a Marxist Community Organizer is enough for them!

and ultimately he went to do one of the single biggest Marxist Actions our country has ever seen!

doesnt matter, cuz he LOOKS like a traditional white family man. so somehow he was a “conservative democrat”. wtf???????

you could not have a more marxist prez if KARL MARX had been prez!!!!!!!!

why the hell would they signal against LBJ of all people?

because in their mind, he represents Traditional Old School White Racists.

EVEN THOUGH HE DIDNT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

in hindsight I should have probed on this absolutely ridiculous discussion, but again, MJ makes me unable to have even simple small talk.

oh and LBJ probably owned a GUN too. he was the type of guy to go HUNTING. and he probably didnt want his daughter to be a race mixing slut. what a racist sexist woman hating black hating bigot racist.

they cant look past these tiny details to see the YUGE OBVIOUS LASTING LEGACY of LBJ!!!!!!

Maybe i am OVERESTIMATING LBJ and the great society pogams in particular.

i mean im sure there were tons of marxist j’s advising him.

hmmmm i have found the new evalion hahahahahah

i bet this channel will be shut down by the time this post posts.

well after 1 minute of inspection she seems less slutty than evalion, but she does have crazy eyes!

not gonna get my hopes up too much here.

but I would wager that shes taken less cox than evalion and might be a better wife and mother.

gonna try to manage expectations tho.

i guess she already did an interview with sinead. i hope sinead does not latch onto her and turn her into even more of a psychopath.

i would feel a lot more comfortable if she (crusader gurl) were doing this with her father or something. what does her father think of all this?

it feeeeels really weird and wrong for very young gurls to get on the frontlines of a very real ideological war. just like with Combat, women SHOULDN’T be doing this. you can support your father or husband or brother who is doing it. make white babies with your white husband. maybe make videos about how awesome being a mother is. and cool it with the hitlers and the swastikas. they make you look like a shill hhahahahahaha.

men can do that, women cant. and even most men dont fathom what theyre getting into when they do that. i say, err on the side of caution and dont go full 1488 until you know exactly what youre getting into. like me hahahaha. and even i dont post hitlers and swastikas. it just looks fishy when a 17 year old gurl on the internet does.

girl on the internet syndrome. beware.

maybe do a show with your strong white boifran. or father.

i should really write to her and try to become her handler. i mean women can REACH alot more people than men. she can get 1000 subscribers in a day where it would take a guy a YEAR. people pay a lot more attention to young purty wimmin. so, tread carefully. she is gonna be under a TON of scrutiny, like evalion, and it didnt take long for evalion to be shut down and probably discredited.

and yes their secs lives ARE relevant, because you want a person with GOOD CHARACTER.

and really….yeah its nice to see women getting into this stuff, but I have NEVER heard something explained MORE profoundly or powerfully by a woman than by a man. NEVER. in other words, a man can ALWAYS say this stuff more persuasively. More Better, hahahahaha.

but the women get more initial views.

and im sure part of it is me being Lonely for a Woman that is Against Race Mixing.

here’s a fun game for you: test women you meet by getting them talking about idris elba or denzel washington. I reckon the MAJORITY of them will take the bait and say DAYUM WHAT A SEXY MAN. MMM HMMMM. I WOULD SUCK HIM OFF RIGHT NOW. I WOULD FOOK HIM ALL NIGHT AND LET HIM BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF ME.

this is a blatant signal that the woman is open to race mixing.

the ideal woman would get uncomfortable talking about secs, would not say anything publicly, then in private, would tell you shes just not into black guys.

just look for any remark where a white woman talks about a black guy being Handsome or Secsy.

if you’re against race-mixing, you JUST WOULDNT DO THAT.

I never talk about how nonwhite women are good looking! because I honestly dont care! I DONT WANT TO RACE MIX!!!!

well there are a couple jooish and maybe indian women i would bang. but they would probably stink like curry!

and also i have fully thought through the implications of having children with them, and that is something i would never want to do!

but yeah, its just not the DOMAIN of cute innocent doe eyed 16 year old gurls to be talking about this stuff!!!!!

KIND OF like how its not the domain of innocent little gurls to be huge cvm guzzling sluts!

well….i say kind of because those are two VERY different things.  i’m just trying to say that young gurls are JUST TOO INNOCENT for this kind of stuff. it’s TOO MUCH for them. it’s not RIGHT for them to be in it.

kind of like a woman forgoing being a wife and mother so she can be a damn CEO.

it’s just not her natural place. its weird and wrong.

so yeah i hope this gurl acts honorably because its SAD to see a qt innocent young white gurl be a DUMPSTER FIRE. just do what michelle k did and Resign. or do what the truth will live did and stop youtube but just do twitter only.

of course TTWL is 100% jooish. but uhhhh she was really qt and had great alt right ideas and was converting to Catholic. real interesting case.

but yeah its DISTRACTING unless you have your OWN alt right waifu. and probably most waifus could be MADE alt right with your firm, fair guidance.

this crusader gurl looks like a purer, more innocent, lower number gurl than evalion, and i dont want to see another young white girl turn into a dumpster fire for the whole internet to see.

dont look for a gurl with political opinions. find a gurl with basically no political opinions, but who has deep moral opinions about not being a slut, about not fooking blacks, about not murdering her babies. that’s all you need. and finding that will be difficult enough!

heh i am actually tempted to write this girl a message because she might actually read it now, rather than 2 weeks from now, when she has EXPLODED in popularity.

well, sinead has probably already told her how horrible TRS is.

basically TRS needs to take this girl under their wing and use her as a TRS propaganda person. TRS are good, strong, smart men. I trust them hehehe.

hehehe

https://www.reddit.com/r/talesfromtechsupport/

https://voat.co/v/talesfromtechsupport

also i saw some bitch saying that its normal for a 30 year old man to take only 6 months to get over a 2 year relship. yeah maybe if you are some sociopath who just views people as bags of meat, BITCH!

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/

loveshack has like 1700 people on it right now, relship forums has like 400 tops. go with loveshack. i am looking for something with a LOT of people.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/friends-lovers/

plus they have a great subforum that is all about That Gray Area where you might be becoming more than friends, or wanting to.

yep the big 400th job app.  next it will be the big 500th hahahaha.

http://archive.is/fdCUL

How to Choose a Wife in a Feminist Society by PA

good blogger, i should directly link to him, got a good alt right racist white mind. i just dont want anyone to know i link to them. go look at his blog and give him a dollar hahahaha.

twitter can be fun sometimes

oh yeah this one was florian geyer. well he doesnt really use it. and his NRx blog only has 2 posts. i was looking to try to find the origin story on this guy cuz i like him. he is great. he is very smart and very funny and will be a great priest but he should have some keeids tho.

here is a guy that is on the fatherland sometimes, seems like a real good guy, and he does a pro family podcast with his WIFE. should prob check that out at some point.

sept 12

welp, was very decisive about getting a haircut today, even though probably didnt really NEED it…..but previous i usually waited TOO long, and today i just wanted to be decisive and get a haircut fairly earlier than last time, PLUS whenever i get a haircut, it boosts confidence, so, really no risk, high reward. waited 66 days this time, 9 weeks or so. this isnt TOO early, I dont think.

had ridiculously disturbing dream with HER in it and it just gets worse. i was bitching at her like  a little bitch, please stop avoiding and ignoring me, just hang out with me already, don’t dump me LIKE THIS, and getting really bitchy and passive aggressive about it, then she was like FINE. FINE. what do you want from me. and then she got up on this ladder or lege or something about 14 feet off the ground and dove headfirst into the ground, grotesquely breaking her own head and neck. absolutely horrifying. that’s not what i was asking for!!!!!! i just wanted to sit down and have an hourlong private talk!!!!

there was an implication that some other guy was also heartbroken and HE had K’d himself the same way, diving headfirst into the ground.

also in another part of the dream, I was grotesquely deformed, like missing half my face, and also that side of my body was all grotestquely deformed. naturally people reacted to the sight of me with horror.  I couldn’t really see myself though, and I didn’t really FEEL horrific.

then I met a qt young woman who was nice to me, did not react with horror, and I wondered, wow, did I miraculously get better somehow? do I really look normal now? or is she just super nice?

so yeah, lot of symbolism there hahahahahahahaha.

and then it went into that super disturbing part with HER and the neck breaking etc. good god how does my brain come up with this horror.

so yeah i am surprised i was not MORE affected by the dream (nightmare!!!!!) but I guess forcing myself to get out and get haircut helped with that.

also in the dream she seemed like a different person. it sorta looked like her, but a more crazy, unstable, bitchy, evil version of her.

basically she did what she did because:

  1. she didnt have Special Feelings for me
  2. She could Get Away with Not Dealing with it.

PERIOD.

some things you are FORCED to deal with. you cant escape from them. this was not one of those things.

i bet she DID feel bad about hurting me. but she did not HAVE to deal with it….so she didn’t. The End. Period. Thats All Folks. That’s ALL it boils down to. I bet she DID feel bad. (Im sure she’s gotten over that LONG ago, though)

2pm sept 2

sheeeeeeeit. sitting at car dealership, they have free wifi thank god. look like a real phaggot wiht muh laptop but this is gonna take at LEAST 90 minutes.

hope nobody steals mh password who is out there packet sniffing hahahahahah.

321 pm

wow that was quick. they said 90 minutes, i expected 2 hours, and i was out of there within 1 hour.

there was a young arab girl reading a Yuge Law Skool Torts Textbook. Good for her going to Law Skool. She looked very bitchy and high maintenance but young and bangable and in Healthy BMI range. not that I advocate Race Mixing but I would bang her if i had to. would not make babies with, OBVIOUSLY!!!!!!

why am i saying this? i guess to get a pity party for my desperation, to describe my desparation, that i would rather bang a healthy young nonwhite than a fat ugly unhealthy white hahahahaha. but i would never BRAG about it or RECOMMEND it hahahahaha.

 

 

14 WORDS, 14 DOLLARS AN HOUR

aug 25

ok when i get muh 15 emails every morning with job stuff, i should SET THE TIMER and go through those in 30 minute chunks and then basically log and keep track of that time. because it does take valuable time is money. and i should measure that timemoney for muh job search metrics hahahaha. spreadsheetz.

so, start the timer, go in 30 maybe 40 minute increments, and keep track of that time! dont just look at the list of emails and groan and go through them without keeping track of your VALUABLE 14 DOLLAR AN HOUR TIME! USE THE CASH CLOCK!!!!!

http://www.online-stopwatch.com/cash-clock/

SET IT TO 14 DOLLARS AN HOUR!!!!!

14 WORDS, 14 DOLLARS AN HOUR!!!!!

heh. note to self and others: if you think you can make “bulletproof coffee” with cold or cool coffee, think again hahahaha. i thought i could somehow “whip” muh spreadable butter into the coffee if i stirred it vigorously enough. now there are just many disgusting little blobs of butter in the coffee hahahaha.

maybe a blender would work better?

dsw shoe place sucked, my next place is jcpenney. jcp does not have Crocs tho hahahaha. they do have nike and adidas and new balance running shoes tho.

ok the cool coffee with blobs of butter was so gross that i had to microwave it hehehehe.

i used to go to kohls as muh main one stop department store but i might become a jcpenneys man hahahaha. i have been dissatisfied with kohls for a few years. plus mr kohl himself is a LITERAL JOO. plus their sonoma store brand, the pants never fit well, even though just looking at them they look good.

what about MACYS. what about BURLINGTON hahahaha. i dont really luv shopping but i dont really luv looking like a neet virgin either!

but since i am always losing or gaining weight, all my clothes are either too big or too small.

yeah that gris 2007 album IEUF is more up my alley than their 2013 album. production wise at least. it is more black metal. im not crapping on the 2012 album, i just want soething more black metally right now.

singer sounds really good still, guitars are more black metally, drums sound good. 2013 album, no real problem with, but I am SUCH an AUTISTE about production that if the production isnt PERFECT, I cant even listen to it. so the 2007 album is more perfect sounding to my autist ears than the 2013 album. which isnt bad and could certainly be a grower. i cant crap on gris, they have an obviously great style.

yesterday i thought that infamous blackgaze phaggot NEIGE sort of looks like That Woman. ok i just watched a video of him and….not really. he does have really nice long hair like she did though hahaha. and a big nose like she does. he sorta looks like nick cage tho. did SHE look like nick cage? that might be enough to turn me off of her hahahaha. Nick cage is weirdly handsome but i dont want a woman who looks like nick cage.  or neige.

i remember listening to “ecailles de lune” when it first came out (2010???) and i was like wow this is pretty neat, very atmospheric. back then “blackgaze” was not even a word. and i was impressed with neiges screaming voice. it was a decent straight up “depressive shrieking” which is a lot like what gris does.

now neige was never really “depressive.” at all. but its probably not a stretch to say maybe some of his stuff was more “melancholy.”

heh being with that woman brought me to that magical nostalgic peaceful fantasy world alcest is always going on about.

if im reading this correctly, its that neige never even listened to shoegaze until people kept telling him his music sounded pretty shoegazey, then he discovered slowdive and went all in with his shelter album. so, in other words, like one reviewer says, neige invented blackgaze “by accident.”

i noticed that when i heated up the disgusting butter blob coffee in the microwave, the butter melted and STAYED MELTED even as the mixture cooled off to around room temperature. i thought it might turn back to blobs. nope.

ok now what if you melted the butter in the microwave, then poured it into cool coffee? room temp coffee?  my goal is to have it NOT turn into blobs!

ok made the phone call to the auto service before the end of the day like i was wanting to. i still hate making phone calls! there is a recall due to air bags. i can get it repaired fo free but have been putting it off. normies have to take an unpaid day off work and risk getting FIRED whenever they need to get their car fixed hehehe. i can do this anytime, because i am a jobless neet, but i was afraid to make the call. well today i called them finally. it was either that or go to jcpenney.

looks like my nemesis KOHLS has crocs. why am i so fascinated by crocs. they are ridiculous. are you supposed to wear socks with them? because i would use them as sandals and NOT wear socks with them.

ok there is a crocs STORE near my house, in the newer mall that i refuse to go to because all the kewl young gurls go there. hehehe. all the more reason to go there. follow 18 year old hawtties around like a 35 year old creeper hahahahahahahahahahaha jk.

be like wanna come back to my huge molester van and smoke MJ and listen to GRIS hahhahahaha. maybe gris AND trist. is that supposed to rhyme.

no i dont have a huge molester van!

also i dont have any MJ. and i damn sure wouldnt have the balls to ask 18 year old gurls to come to muh van and smoke MJ with me hahahahahahaha.

women: dont be such disgusting, degenerate nihilists! or is it nihilistic degenerates.

like stories of the bride to be on a bachelorette party getting drunk and they run into a bachelor party and then the bride to be fooks some badboi right before she is supposed to be getting married. and the expectation is that the husband fooks skanks on his bachelor party.

YOU DONT OWN ME! i can do what i want with my body! dont be so possessive and controlling and clingy! of course i can fook other people when i am getting married the next day! marriage doesnt mean monogamy! monogamy is misogyny! monogamy is HATE!

heh whenever you meet a married couple, ask them if they have an open marriage.  the proper reaction is to react with lip curling disgust. NO, we’re not DEGENERATE. then you say, good, i was testing you to see if you are degenerate. you passed. good for you. i dont associate with open marriage degenerates. we live in such a degenerate, nihilistic era, that some people think that cheating on your husband or wife is just fine. just making sure you’re not like that.  just making sure youre not such a shitty goddamn cheater that both of you have rationalized that cheating is ok. fook that shit.

when i was out in the world working muh horrible job, i was amazed at how many normal people were DISGUSTING CHEATERS. people who seemed normal and nice were cheating on their husbands and wives. and it seemed MORE prevalent with the OLDER people, like by the time you get to 30, cheating is just a normal thing you do as your first marriage falls apart. super black pill. aso. brack pirru.

german tech company has not responded to my email saying yes you can call me to do the phone screening at these times. they contacted me first! then i responded back promptly. and now nothing.

aug 26

had semi weird dream that provided interesting food for thought. sheeeeeeeit at least 8-9 years ago my male friend had a gf and they were quite serious, have been in a traditional monogamous nondegen ltr for liek 4 years at least. i hung out with muh friend a lot, she hung out with him a lot, so i saw a lot of her, which can often be a problem in male male franships, except that i got along with her really well, and i was not really the third wheel. we would all have fun smokin MJ and watching movies and eating food and having dranks or whatever.

anyway my friend and the woman broke up. i was still very friendly with her and even hung out with her a little bit, which i was well away at the time was potentially controversial. yes it would be, i thought, if i had any designs on her! but she’s just a nice person, we get along well, and i dont have any other female friends. its not like im trying to GET with her. that would be just weird. and also potentially traitorous to my friend. i dont want to do that.

“on the job training provided for the RIGHT candidate” ???!?!?!?!?!!

OH THANK YOU SO MUCH.

not even taking into account that “on the job training” is ABSOLUTELY JOOISH BULLSHIT, but now its just being dangled as the reward for GOOD performers only. otherwise you get punished by being fired, or no OJT at all.

and of course the main reason OJT is BULLSHIT is because ITS NOT TRAINING AT ALL.

its you look like an untrained idiot in front of customers, then bother another busy person to show you how to do your job, and their customers and your customers wait impatiently and get bitchy, and you look bad, and your coworker resents you, and the company looks bad. lose lose lose lose lose situation.

anyway. re the 2008 or so woman. yeah she pretty much was a female friend. i got along with her well, she was very nice to me, and she was qt. sound familiar?

one day something Snapped, and i was like WOW she is a TOTAL qt, i would really like to bang her. but thats weird because that is one of muh best friends ex gfs. i respect him enough to never do something like that. but damn she is a real qt for sure……

and this was after she had started dating a new guy. probably a little too soon for my liking after the end of her rel with my friend.

sound familiar?

so, after they break up and are single for 2 months, thats when my feelings start to change, and then when they start dating a new guy, my feelings are unequivocally changed. like maybe hmm. so you were looking for a new man but didnt even consider me.

now, with that 2008 woman, i didnt have a deep luving infatuation or crush on her like with w2015. i just wanted to bang her. but i liked her as a friend. and the emotions were conflicting and confusing. also, we hung out much less as she dated the new guy. also the new guy seemed like a decent enough guy, i think they might have gotten married or at least stayed together for years.

so, w2015 was like the next level of that: we were even closer friends, i was more in luv with her, the whole thing went on for longer. also there was never the issue that i might be betraying a friend of mine, because she was never dating a friend of mine. i became friends with her directly.

but yeah in the dream there was that woman from 2008 and i guess i was trying to secs her up, touching her and trying to take her clothes off.

so yeah the main takeaway is that i probably had some kind of feelings for her, and was an indicator that i was capable of getting feelings for a female friend who i thought was just friends. or at the very least I could discover that there was signif Secsual Attraction there that I wasn’t initially aware of. and its weird. because you think ive known this person for months or years and its only NOW I’m “discovering” this physical attraction for them? when men including me can usually tell within seconds whether or not a gurl is attractive?

I think i always knew these women were attractive, but there were other mitigating circumstances where I knew that being actively attracted to them was morally wrong (gf of my friend, and or she has a bf) or inconvenient (shes just a friend, besides i am hung up on other women)

anyway i never had a big blowout with the 2008 woman, i was never deeply in luv with her, we just sorta drifted apart as she got more serious with her new bf. but there was no hard feelings and no hate or bitterness or coldness or butthurt whatsoever, and i remember her fondly and wish the best for her.

and my male friend found another seemingly decent woman and got married to her and they had a baby and i hope they have more. all white of coursh hahahaah. they have been together for like 7 or 8 years and she seems decent, i dont think she’ll ruin the marriage hahahaha. i dont really know her tho.

i was reading a blut aus nord review yesterday and the guy was like memoria vetusta II is a special album, i listened to it after muh GF gave birth to her child.

implying that the child was not his.

implying that this skank got knocked up by some loser who ran off immed after getting her pregnant.

implying that she started dating this black metal loving sap WHILE she was pregnant with the other guys child

DONT DATE ANYONE WHILE YOU ARE PREGNANT WITH ANOTHER GUYS CHILD! JUST STAY AWAY FROM MEN!!!!! DONT EVEN DATE EMO OMEGA NICEGUYS!!!!!

then the reviewer was like, i was devastated when she left me and i couldnt listen to this album for a long time.

and i thought, WOW, this guy is super pathetic cringe.

first, falling in luv with a pregnant woman.

second, being dumped by her after she has the baby, and being so upset by it.

THERE BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD GO I.

the woman should be glad any man can still love her after she had another man’s bastard.

yet she dumps him exactly because he is a sniveling, supplicating, weak, phaggy omega.

don’t be that guy.

i have never fallen in luv with a Single Mother or been dumped by a single mother, and I hope I NEVER do.

i guess i would bang a slutty single mother. but i still have a healthy disrespect for single mothers.

i mean theyll never tell you the truth. its always its all the guys fault. he was a total jerk and deadbeat. and acutally that may be the truth. but then…..why would you have a baby with him? because you are a white ingra who lives on instant gratification and cant think of the future. and i damn sure cant trust you.  you create life WILLY NILLY with men who would be terrible fathers! your judgment is even worse than the average womans! which is pretty goddamn bad as it is!

thats ROCK BOTTOM. when you are desperately in LUV with a single mother. I hope i NEVER get there.

especially a pregnant woman. she picks deadbeats who cant even stay around for 9 months. and why are they even putting themselves on the market when they are PREGNANT? and what kind of pathetic guy sees that and says yep thats acceptable? a rock bottom man even more desperate than I hahahahahahaha.

so he can go beat off with his own foreveralone virgin neet tears with his blut aus nord albums hahahahahaha.

no i have nothing against BaN and I would like to listen to them……if they didnt use a DAMN DRUM MACHINE.

USE REAL DAMN DRUMS. yet for 20 years and 20 albums the guy uses a blatant machine sounding drum machine. yet i can appreciate him as a good guitar player and probably good songwriter. so just play the drums YOURSELF, i will take a sloppy amateurish drum performance over a MACHINE ANY DAY. the most important thing is the drums sound good, and this guy is prob enough of a Studio Nerd to put in effort to get good sound. so just get a good sound and put in a completely amateur burzum drum performance. shit i LIKE the way varg plays drums. its NOT HARD to play in time. just fookin PRACTICE for a few hours. and the practice should be FUN, because DRUMS ARE FUN. inherently. fooking call ME up and i will do the drums even though i am the biggest amateur  and havent touched a drum set in like 8 years.

i am AUTISTIC about drums as you can see hahaha and I HATE drum machines in black metal. any kind of metal or rock. electronic drums are JUST FINE in electronic music. but elsewhere? never.

ok. had butter coffee plus a .25 scoop of protein this morning. as much as i hate to take in calories before 12 noon hahahaha.

heated up coffee in microwave so the butter actually melted hahahaha.

so now i am comparing and contrasting that woman with the woman from 2008. they were similar in that they were both very nice to me, we got along well, and they were willing to hang out with me, hahahaha.  when i first met w2015, i guess she sorta reminded me of w2008. they even looked a little alike. but as of right now, i found w2015 way qter. she had longer legs and longer hair and a bigger bottom and i liked all that very much. jeeeeeez. the less said the better. damn. sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit.

but yeah in the dream i was very hot to bang the woman from 2008. and i think i got her pants off and got a glimpse of The Action, but then the dream faded out. of courshe.

anyway i hope she is married with children by now. she has to be about 30 years old by now. WOW.

and one day That Woman will be 30 too. about 4 years from now hahahaha.

sheeeeeit i wish i were 25 or 26 again and had a full 4 years to go before 30!

anyway. were these women REALLY all that similar? or did the fact that they were qt and nice to me and friends with me and we got along make me THINK they were similar.

well they had sort of similar faces. both had pale white skin. they both partook MJ and because of that seemed chill and Cool. the previous woman had a lame tattoo but it wasnt a dealbreaker.

but you develop a fondness and sense of closeness when you see a woman regularly for over a year and get along well.

oh yeah at the tech interview they (the actual tech supervisor) asked me if i understood the OSI model. I grimaced and said yeah I’d studied it in a networking class about 5 years ago but I honestly don’t remember a lot of specific. I know there are 6 to 8 layers, including the application layer and the network layer, but…..I’m sorry sir, I would have to refresh my memory on it, but I assure you I would do that very quickly. hahahahaha.

http://www.webopedia.com/quick_ref/OSI_Layers.asp

heh. yeah we covered it in muh networking class which kinda sucked. the teacher was a nice guy but he wasnt a great teacher. its HARD to be a great teacher with a topic like this. but you kinda need it because the shit is kinda obtuse. it does NOT come naturally.  it does NOT make much sense.

rejection email for 20 hour a week, 11 dollar an hour part time job at local college where i was kinda hoping to get the job and they seemed to like me. DAYUM. interview was 11 days ago.

it was a doable job, nothing glorious, but nothing that would make me ragequit, i could go there for 20 hours a week and at least HOLD DOWN SOME SORT OF JOB while looking for another job.

meanwhile that bitch works FT making 16 dollars an hour and doesnt ragequit and has already made 30k more than i have in the past year hahahahaha.

hehehehe i hate competing with women in career IN ADDITION TO essentially competing for their physical and emotional favor. now you have to make more money than them and have better career status than them too.

and it does make you feel like much less of a man when a woman whos much younger than you is doing a LOT better than you with career and making money. no WONDER she rejected you, ya damn neet loser! you cant work and make money like a real man!

sheeeeeeit that guy who i was playing phone tag with called me BACK! and i missed the call! i called him right back and got VM. sheeeeeit. so now i will call him back every 10 or 20 minutes until 5 pm hahahaha.

it is 325 right now.

i didnt expect him to call me back! after i called him back, left a voice mail, then called him again the next day. i just figured he’d call one of the other 500 applicants.

this fookin guy i used to work with fookin looked at my linkedin profile and stole some of my blurbs for HIS shit with the company!!!!!! white guy but fat as fook. he was obnoxious because of his fatness alone. he was REALLY fat. typical computer gamer who does nothign but sit at the gaming machine and eat fast food and drink soda. he had a GF but guess what, she was a fat pig too hahahahahahaha. she might have been cute if she lost at least 100 pounds too! she was young and didnt have a fat ugly face.

i only talked to him once and he was not as obnoxious as i thought he’d be hahahahaha. so i figure he’s just a decent white guy struggling, so i will let him copy and paste my paragraph hahahaha. not sure if he found a new job yet. he strikes me as not too much of a go getter. probably milked his unemployment as much as possible hahahaha. he went to a high school in a real white trash area of town, so its good he’s not a drug addicted, pill popping, tattooed eminem wannabe hahahahaha.

come to think of it, there were quite a few people from that white trash high school at this job. before working there, i had never really met anyone who went to that school.

my female former friend could have gone to a REALLY white trash high school but she somehow got school of choiced into a better high school? I think? I would have liked a chance to talk to her more about that. get to know her better hahahahaha. i hate fookin WOMEN hahahhhaha.

FINALLY. got ahold of the guy, got interview set up for tuesday 4 days from now. NOICE. number 18. unsuccessful interview number 18. got to get to 25 or so hahahaha.

entry level test technician for testing inspection and certification. testing parts. really hands on he says. did not ask about wage sheeeeeeeeeeeit.

hey dont get the hopes up hahahaha. this is ONLY the 18th interview. i got to get to at LEAST 25, 30, 40, or 50 remember hahahaha. im not lean and mean enough yet. havent paid muh dues yet.

but yeah i get SOME confidence boost from getting a new interview. and then can also get a conf boost if the interview goes ok. if the interview does NOT go ok, then i feel bad for a few days hahahaha.

of course, even if the interview goes ok and i feel good, i still know i wont get the job hahahaha.

also the place is really close too. and full time. probably at least 12 an hour hahaha.

its only 7 miles away. dayum. believe me that is huge.

today i kinda felt like going on okcupid and seeing what kinda bangable 25 year old sluts there are out there. i mean i dont want to go to a meth addicted hooker, so might as well go to a oxy addicted nihilistic skank who beleives their nihilism and hedonism is something like “i am a very LOVING person, i LOVE everybody.”

TO LOVE ALL EQUALLY IS TO LOVE NONE WELL

-t. i cant remember who, some vaguely alt right person of courshe hahaha.

ok gonna give this one a try now. i heard their first album years ago and remembered it was pretty good “atmoblack”, not all pvssy and blackgaze, yeah theyre hardcore pagans but they didnt seem like communists. also i found the fact that they were english to be interesting. maybe an anglo saxon sort of paganry hahahaha.

WOW the hr gurl who is 10 years younger than me, confirmed the phone interview finally, for monday. sheeeeit i thought she forgot about me too. well i have never had a phone interview to bomb hahahaha. i am not confident they will call me in for an in person interview.

and then i have an in person interview on tuesday.

i am not counting the phone interview as a real interview, ie, towards muh number.

so the one on tuesday (plane/car parts testing lab) is The 18th Interview. well 18 is an auspicious number in golf. maybe the 18th will be my lucky one hehehehe.

and today a guy i went to community college with 5 years ago sent me a request on linkedin. we were in an economics study group together for the one bitchy econ prof. i wonder how many econ instructors they have today. come on. like they couldnt just get some dime a dozen mba to adjunct instruct econ 101 and 102 for 15 bucks an hour hahahahaha.

oh sorry i guess they make more like 30 bucks an hour. well. hmmm. thats not bad then.

wodensthrone album was ok, good, listenable i guess hahaha. i listened to the first song, some of the second song. all long songs hahaha. and mainly listend to the fatherland.

 

YOU DONT HAVE TO BE RELIGIOUS OR CONSERVATIVE TO BE AGAINST MURDER

[but i do officially recommend being religious and ESPECIALLY being ultra conservative!!!!!!]

june 13

merry crimbo hahahahahaha

oh wow here’s a new one, they demand THREE letters of recommendation before you can even SUBMIT your application. well, with a salary in the mid to high 30s, they SHOULD hahahaha.

i pulled up something that was given to me in my Layoff packet over two years ago, that wasn’t really a recommendation, more like saying he wasnt terminated for cause, there was a restructuring and he was laid off to cut costs, we hope you give him every consideration hahaha.

got ELEVEN job apps done by 3 pm. WOW. JUST WOW.

rather than delete the bookmarks, i move the bookmarks to a new subfolder called, very sensibly, “completed applications” hahahaha. i can always delete that in the future.

did not have a dream about HER last night, although I did dream about naked women and it was pretty much pornographic. even though I haven’t looked at pr0n in 7 months. I chalk it up to just generally being Horney and Thirsty and not having touched a woman in 10 years hahahaha.

of course after i woke up I thought, wouldn’t it be nice if I could have had luving secs with That Woman, and had her sit on my face, and just grab her as I buried myself balls deep into her cvnt with her big fat thighs wrapped around me and her big fat ass sitting on me etc etc oh god i should never be thinking about that.

BUT she wasnt actually in the dream thank god.

then looked for jobs, got thru indeed for the day, had a longass list of way more than 11 jobs, and started blasting through them, and got through 11. good enough. way better than 4 or 5.

doing some laundry for the first time in like 2 or 3 weeks hahaha.

sheeeeeeeeeeeeit.

mutrk

I generally have very strong opinions about abortion, as indicated in the study. Even though I am politically conservative and somewhat religious, I think being anti-abortion is neither inherently conservative nor inherently religious. Therefore, I like to encourage secular and/or leftist anti-abortion groups….of which there do not seem to be many, unfortunately. My view is that you don’t need to be conservative or religious to consider abortion immoral, and I am not happy about pro-choice groups have tried to frame it as a strictly religious issue…..when it really isn’t. For example, atheists can be opposed to violence and aggression, and no one says things like assault and murder are strictly religious issues.

Personally, I think abortion represents a huge misunderstanding and disrespect for human life, and that is is comparable to slavery in terms of immoral things that are legalized and accepted by Western society. I think the way abortion is “sold” to young people does not prepare them in the least for thinking about the deep moral questions of human life and death, and some women only come to a deeper understanding many years later, and experience great guilt and regret over doing something they didn’t fully understand at the time.

I also challenge the idea that men are not allowed to have opinions about abortion because men cannot get pregnant.

I encourage you to look at Secular/Non-religious pro-life groups such as
http://www.secularprolife.org
to begin to introduce a perspective that you can have completely non-religious reasons for being against abortion.

I am committed to helping researchers produce research of the best quality and I am happy to give very detailed feedback on any studies. Please contact me through mTurk if you are interested in having a very high-engagement and detail-oriented research participant.

end mturk comment. hahaha it was a morality study saying how moral is it to abort a baby at 1 month, 2 months, 3 months, etc, then showed a picture of each month. I put “100% extremely immoral” for everything but 1 month, where I put 94% hahahahaha because at that point, it looked like literally a clump of cells. in hindsight, I should have put 100%.

but i sure gave those baby killing bitches with their phd’s a piece of my mind hahahahahahahaha

it just goes to show you how terrible these college kids are, when they wont even listen to ATHEIST antiabortionists. they just knee jerk with WOW. JUST WOW. HOW CAN ANYONE BE AGAINST ABORTION. ITS 2016.

because they think you have to be a Narrow Minded Religious Evangelical Conservative to be against MURDER.

YOU DONT HAVE TO BE RELIGIOUS OR CONSERVATIVE TO BE AGAINST MURDER.

It’s ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING how the LEFT has twisted the issue like that. that you can’t even see murder as murder without being a conservative religious idiot.

so I always liked the guitar playing of sammy duet but I stopped listening to his band goatwh0re because i just find the singing to be a turnoff. I wish sammy just did the singing instead of their main singer, who is a nice good guy, but his style is……not my preference.

so it is with some curiosity that I look at this “ritual killer” project which features a different singer, and which is supposedly more raw that gw. and also features the original drummer of gw. I saw GW live a couple times when they were just starting out, and they were great, classic, top 5 shows. like during the time of their first 2 albums. i think i only ever saw them when they had the first drummer. after that I just couldn’t listen to their albums anymore hahaha.

which is a way of saying, i hope this ritual killer album turns out to be ok.

yeah they’re all degenerates hahahaha. the singer has tattoos on his FACE and i think they actually do satan worship. I used to think sammy was the coolest guy ever, and I even took a picture with him when I saw GW once hahahahaha.  but……he’s probably a degenerate too. i hope if he has any children he is a good father to them. also i hope he is less degenerate that I suspect he is. because he is a white man and all whites are capable of being non degen. i hope he does not do too many drugs.  hope this album is good (“exterminance.”) it is SHORT, so that’s usually good. hope the guitars are heavy and there are lots of blast beats and that sammy has more than 10% guest vocals hahaha.

but i can appreciate some good hateful, fast, raw black metal. I wish goathwore was rawer and more hateful hahahaha and had a different singer. i also don’t like his lyrical style, his lyrics make no sense and use the word “this” wayyyyy too much, and so then he’s always SAYING “this” in his annoying voice hahahaha. when I was 19 years old, I used to LIKE him. i did quite a 180. he’s still a decent guy I guess…..but just retire from singing and have a damn FAMILY , white man hahahaha.

well here’s that album i just mentioned. I just listened to it, the whole thing in one sitting. it was not bad. not bad at all. vicious and face ripping. tons of blast beats. I would have liked a little louder cymbal on the drums but still not bad. very sharp and ripping guitar sound. not enough screaming from sammy but the main singer is not bad. i can recommend it based on the guitars and drums alone. brings me back to 2000 when goatwhore was fresh and scary and evil. this RK sounds pretty evil and hellish. its kinda raw I guess. but for a fan of sammy who wants to enjoy gotahwore but cant, this RK is pretty good.

some noisy solos in there too. blasts in every song. a couple very rocking riffs sprinkled throughout. not bad at all. hateful and evil and a bit degenerate but also fun. but not TOO much fun. not a bunch of smiling happy phaggots. and I can actually tolerate the vokills.  3.6/5 bretty good

this is not bad at all and would be a great thing to listen to while exercising briskly. like Jogging, which I have not done in a while.

i was listening to the nationalist review, which is done by a guy on trs, well, at least 3 or 4 guys on trs,

the guy who leads it is no1 who I first heard on the fatherland, well this is his main show, and he’s really good. really likable marine officer, can’t believe he puts himself out there like that. his cohost natt is a danish guy who is really funny, just a huge arrogant asshole hahaha. and here they have andrew anglin on as a guest.

oh god bless these men. I don’t want to be on an Alt Right Podcast just yet, but I wouldn’t mind meeting and talking with some of these guys.

My own skills would be best used on a Neetcast however.

maybe doing a partnership with Millennial Woes. He is most like me personality wise in that he is prone to great despair, doubt, and neetism.

oh good god, no1 and natt do an episode with EVALION

subscribe to this guy already hahaha.

i dont need to dnate to him because he makes 148800 dollars a year as a marine officer hahaha.  plus they havent put the dnation hat out yet.  but i did find his email address on paypal hahaha.

june 14

2 jobs down, 8 more to go hahaha. also go see SHRINK today, yaaasssssssss!!!

well at least i appear to be losing weight again. probably because i am losing muscle hahaha.

8 down, 2 to go. damn. gotta go to shirnk very soon. took shower today, thats good hahaha. wanna not look and smell like a slob for the shrink haha. also when i was an employed bigboy, i did take a shower before every shift and come in nice and clean.

went to shrink, that was ok. talked about job search and shit, a little bit about that woman. i said it sucks, i learned lessons, but it jsut wasnt worth it. but then shrink said well arent I a stronger better person at the end of it all? technically yes, i am a better person in the end. so that IS KINDA worth it.

also the fact that I couldn’t make the same mistake again if i tried. there is no way this will ever happen again. it just CANT. Im not even worried about it. i have been changed permanently so that this will never happen again. in terms of being more assertive abotu communicating and stuff.

so i have become more mature and stronger and better able to DEAL with bullshit like this.

doesnt mean it wasnt ridic painful or stupid! because it was!

ok i will go back and listen to the old goatwhore albums. i really liked their first two albums. maybe i can still listen to them.  i mean there was some really good songs there, and maybe the vocals dont sound as bad as I fear.

anyway. yes i HAVE been permanently changed by this horrible experience. but it is possible that I have been permanently changed for the better……once we get to the end of it all. i am not quite there but i def am getting there. i still think of her obviously. pretty much every day. but it’s still a lot better than it was. but yeah i really need the distance and the no contact. i couldn’t do it with no contact. it takes well over a year just for her memory to even start to fade a LITTLE.

its like craving for heroin a YEAR after you last touched it. shit.

you stop craving for heroin like two WEEKS after. but HER, THAT WOMAN, I still crave for her a YEAR later. well, 11 months later hahahaha.  such that I cant even substitute anyone else. i mean, if i were trying to get off heroin, you can bet id be taking a LOT of MJ hahahaha. MJ helps you quit anything hahahaha.

MJ would probably help me quit this too heh.

but i just think about her and how good it USED to be and how much I luved her and how the hell am I gonna find that with another woman?

this IS a special thing that should not be treated like a casual cok carousel! you CANT get these feelings easily!

so i guess i should not expect to.

listened to that goatwh0re album, the first one, eclipse of ages into black (2000) and it def has staying power, it was great fun, and i didnt hate the singer so much. he still said this and these too much, but on some parts he is quite enjoyable. the lyrics are a frustrating mix of honestly quite good, and then filler tryhard this these fluff. for me the mainstays are sammy’s guitar and the drummer. they play very well together. and i like the old drummer better than the new drummer….who is not bad at all. indeed, probably sammy shifted his style as gw got older. some say they became more straightforward, and that they were “darker” and “more atmospheric” in the beginning. this might be true.

its not a huge secret that sammy is pretty serious about his devil worship, but i don’t know the details. i kinda would like to. like he literally does black magic and probably cuts himself. but he seems like an otherwise normal guy. not all suicidal and autistic and such. well, maybe he is bipolar. all these fookin musicians are bipolar. i heard he used to do Coke. hopefully he doesnt do too much of that. well, its better than meth hahahaha.

so sammy why not try orthodox christian. they are darker and more solemn and shit. youre gonna worship SATAN? I thought this was cool when I was 16-23. not when I was 45 or however old he is. you can be dark and “evil” and essentially worship GOD hahahaha. If he has a wife and children I hope he is good to them. Doesn’t neglect them so he can get drunk and do drugs and worship satan. but what I like about his style is that he writes tons of very catchy, very effective riffs. he is a riff machine. a riff factory. a true riffmaster in every sense of the word. not like nile, dumping tons of incoherent riffs. sammy dumps slightly less riffs and they are all a lot catchier. but still heavy, hyper, and fast.

SEX IS INHERENTLY INTIMATE

feb 25

more rumination and obsession hahaha : she was very good at being a friend. we were good friends, it was so natural and smooth. therefore i thought she would be the SAME WAY in the role of GF. i saw great potential. with her longterm BF, she talked and commnicated with him and tried to resolve their issues like an average maturity adult. i had no reason to believe she would be any different with me when WE had problems.

but she was. i thought if she needed to reject me, she would be FRIENDLY about it, the way she was always very friendly to me. and would say “AW. AWWWWWW. THATS SO SWEET. YOUR SUCH A NICE GUY. but im SORRY, i just dont feel that way. Lets Just Be Friends.” pat me on the head and give me a cookie. that would have been sooooooooooooo much better than what happened. oh god i would have LOVED that kind of rejection.

but yeah point is, i was caught OFF GUARD, completely unprepared for this. did not see this coming AT ALL. i never knew her to act like this. with me, or with people she was close to. she was super friendly and nice to me all the time. i KNOW that doesnt mean she was INTERESTED!!!!! im not that much of a woman hater hahahaha. but i DID think that gave me a REASONABLE EXPECTATION that she would continue to be nice, friendly, and mature to me when it came time for her to respond to muh feelings for her.

heh. married at first sight. i totally called it with decision day. nice normie white boy david and his bitch wife, white girl but ugly and bitchy, he was better looking than her, he was out of her league, he was too good for her, well i totally CALLED it: he would say yes, she would say no. like a train wreck in slow motion. he was such a naively optimistic normie. such a positive normie attitude. just a nice good guy, bit of a beta doormat, but successful in career (“Director of Sales” for software company) and a friendly, nice, generous, kind, warm, caring, good personality. she was a total closed off bitch that never gave him a chance, never lifted a finger, and accused him of something he did not do: lying and betraying her. OH GOD its SO Frustrating to be accused of lying when youre NOT LYING.

itd be ONE THING if you had a pattern of being BLATANTLY CAUGHT IN LIES. but he wasnt!!! she was just disproportionately angry at him because he messaged a gurl on facebook. shit. like she never messaged guys on facebook. she INSISTED it was a “DATE”, and he insisted no, its NOT a date, i wanted to hang out with HER so we could talk about YOU and I might get some insight on YOU and how to communicate with YOU because you wont communicate with me. which was the TRUTH! and yet his wife refused to believe the truth. the situation was infuriating and pathetic. then he pathetically tries to “win back her trust” even though he did nothing wrong.

it was such a painful situation to watch, and i felt so sorry for him, doing all the work, being unjustly painted as the bad guy, while she did no work, refused to open up to him, completely shut down and checked out, and she was DONE at that moment, her NO decision was made.

hehehehe there were parallels with my own situation. but My Woman was younger and better looking than this bitch hahahahahah. also she used to be much much nicer. she was super nice at one point, like a female version of david. then she became an ice queen like ashley the ugly stone cold bitch.

so yeah i felt great sympathy and empathy and luv for poor david, getting shit on and thrown away like a piece of garbage. i could not even look at them as they gave their decisions. and it went exactly as i predicted. immed afterwards david gave some REAL talk: his optimism was crushed and he had a realistic view of things: i was doing all the work, i was fully committed, and she wasnt. she wasnt willing to give me an inch, and she had checked out long ago. damn right. i felt like Reaching Out to David and emailing him. bringing back my twitter account so I could tweet at him words of moral support hahahaha. i still might. bringing my twitter back would be a good idea in 2016 hahaha.

it SUCKS to be accused of something you didnt do. not really talking about false raep, because then the woman clearly knows SHE’s lying. but when the woman is under a misunderstanding, a delusion, that you did something you really didnt. then YOU want to stand up and defend yourself and prove yourself innocent. which makes you look even more guilty to them. its SO horrible.

my pushing her, and her avoiding me, was ahorrible vicious circle, and both fed into each other. i pushed her because she avoided me, she avoided me because i pushed her.  i didnt calculate that she would avoid me so much. so then i laid down and took it like a beeta, saying ok baby, ill give you time and space, whatever you want to make you happy. bad move. after a few weeks of space, i couldnt take it any more and started pushing again.

pushing isnt great but i dont think its a cardinal sin. but women sure do. i would like to work on my pushiness in the future.

see im not ALWAYS pushy. only when a gurl i luv is avoiding me. which does not happen often. normally i am not pushy at all. i dont get so invested and committed to something that i even WANT to push.

what i should have done was not be pushy but be ASSERTIVE: say: “baby, this ends now. this has got to end. i cant take this any more. i feel disrespected and avoided. we need to talk ASAP. stop avoiding me and lets schedule a solid time to talk, and i will be very disappointed if you back out again. THIS ENDS NOW. I DONT let people treat me like this. like garbage. I wont let YOU treat me like that. this ends now.”

did i mention Stahlgewitter is a very catchy RAC band with a fairly metal approach and a very commanding singer. i dont speak or understand german tho hahahaha. anyway they will ABSOLUTELY get your blood pumping. good anti despair music hahahaha.

techincally there WAS a kind of red flag: the fact that she began avoiding me in like december or so. as soon as she started avoiding hanging out with me. that was the red flag. i didnt think she would be such a big avoider but boy was i wrong. anyway the fact that she avoided me so stubbornly WAS the red flag that she might pull the ULTIMATE coup de grace of avoidance, and she did: cut me off entirely. crash the plane with no survivors. well except for her hahahaha she survived quite nicely.

so yeah there was kind of a red flag, but NO WAY was I in the right mind to see it. i was idealizing her, and holding on to blind hope.

you know why you cant have casual sex?

because SEX IS INHERENTLY INTIMATE.

Casual Sex doesnt really exist.

unless you have had SO MUCH of Aborted Intimacy that you have burned out all your oxytocin and CANT FEEL intimacy any more. then you can have casual sex.

and THIS is what you WANT???

ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING.

so you go through the motions of REPRODUCTION, of LIFE CREATION, with a man you dont even know. you’re willing to roll that dice? take that risk? that seems like such a big, stupid, horrible risk to take! and so many women do it! idiots! sluts! degenerates! sodomites! absolutely disgusting! and its SAD too, when these are white gurls who were once nice, once had potential, and just threw THEMSELVES away like a piece of garbage.

its a terrible feeling when you have a caller on hold with a problem, and you dont understand the problem, and you just DONT KNOW WHAT TO TELL THEM. you have to fix the problem, but you dont know how to fix the problem, you dont understand the problem, you dont know what to tell them. and the only help you can get is from a monosyllabic higher up in a chat room that doesnt really explain things either. you have to FIGURE IT OUT how to explain it to the caller, and there will probably be a decent amount of BULLSHIT in there. you dont like to bullshit people, but you’re bullshit because there’s nothing else you CAN do. you must bullshit to survive. one call at a time, one day at a time. i cant go back to that style of work!!!!!!!!!!!! i hate not knowing what im doing, not knowing what to say to people, and having to come up with bullshit! cuz it SOUNDS liek obvious bullshit!

i try to be honest, i like being honest…..but i also dont like giving bad news, especially when i dont really understand it, or how to explain it. then i try to candy coat it with bullshit.

if you ask for help, they will tell you just read the shitty article till you understand it. thanks. i will do that when i get home and dont have to answer calls all day. sometimes they will be nice and try to explain it in actual english. but it will be an unclear explanation, because they dont have time for you. they really dont. they are too busy. there needs to be more of THEM to help you and your level 1 team idiots. but there simply ARENT ENOUGH people who know the shit at a deep level, because they all leave for Better Jobs ASAP. There are literally not enough people who know how things work.

how can you fix shit if you dont know how it works? youd be surprised. you just go through the motions, do band aid fixes, pass the buck, throw spaghetti at the wall, and sometimes shit sticks, but you dont know WHY. you just keep barreling through the cases and throwing spaghetti, and only 2 guys know how stuff really works, and theres no WAY you’re getting THEM on the phone to talk to callers directly. they’ve earned the privilege to not have to be down there in the trenches.

and i cant stick around without having a nervous breakdown long enough to earn that privileged position! it takes at least a few years!

but its funny. regarding the woman. it really does take an internal mental effort and does not involve her at all. but its not fookin easy. switching from the mindset of: she hates me, i did something wrong, to, she does not HATE me, i did nothing wrong, she just couldnt deal with pressure and ran away in the worst possible way.

its a simpler explanation and a BETTER explanation, but ive had a hard time accepting it. but i really SHOULD, for my long term health.

but it also has its own risks, like it tempts me to contact her again: oh if she doesnt HATE me, then maybe we could REKINDLE. NOPE. DO NOT DO THIS. it would be ANOTHER trainwreck.

SHE would have to show some interest, some initiative, put HER self out there like i did; put the ball in MY court, like i put the ball in HER court over and over and over again, and she just avoided it.

she can contact me, but i shouldnt contact her.

and she 99.99999999999999999999999999% wont contact me hahahaha.

but yeah its also good to not feel hated. hated by the one you still love. hahahaha. i mean really i have no proof for anything so why not believe the one thats both simpler, and better.

oh yeah. that bitch ashley, when the shrinks pushed her for more detail on why she was choosing Divorce from the white knight david, kept coming back to the facebook incident of how it broke her trust in him. great i thought. now shes essentially BLAMING HIM, and he, unless he is very emotionally strong, and HOW CAN YOU be emotionally strong after someone you’re invested in DUMPS you, well he might start blaming himself and thinking he did something wrong, and feel even WORSE. insult on top of injury. how DARE she blame him like that.

uhh as far as the other couples, i dont care as much, david and bitch ashley was the couple i was most interested in. neil and samantha would be next. i have to give her a little credit, she made some honest changes over the 6 weeks (wayyyy too short of a time period for this show) and went from being a total bitch, to being more loving and supportive and committed, so good for her. i actually think she might say yes at this point. neil is a total autistic bitchboi who i used to sorta like, now im not so sure. i actually think he could go either way. cuz he is just SO autistic, hes not merely an unmasculine beta, hes just fooking too weird. he might just say no to her, which is why she goes running out of the room.

as far as the black couple i dont really care about them, but they seem like the couple most likely to succeed, BUT i still dont trust HER, she might well say NO. cant really tell with her. shes nice to him most of the time but her “trust issues” and such might make her say no like a bitch. he will probably say yes. they are both fairly white acting blacks. they could work out well if SHE says yes. and he does seem trustworthy enough for her to say yes.

but yeah its just very difficult and takes a long time to get over someone you LOVED, they rejected you HORRIBLY, and you had a REAL longterm relationship with them.

its impossible to really get to know someone in 6 weeks. maybe you can get infatuated. and dont get me wrong, infatuation is strong, its real, it can very often be the beginning of real, true love. in fact i beleive you need infatuation to get to love. but you dont really know the person. that takes time.

with HER, i got to know her FIRST, and THEN came the infatuation MUCH later. but i already KNEW her, so the infatuation quickly turned to full blown luv. damn.

heh. funny. when i first met her, i was like, welp im GLAD she has a BF, because i could never date her. shes a nice sweet gurl but shes got too much baggage, i really dont want to deal with all that.

funny that as i got to know her, i decided that i COULD put up with the baggage. just as long as she wasnt a damn slut with a slut past. and she wasnt. and as it sunk in that she was REALLY done with her longterm BF, my feelings started to change. like yeah why SHOULDNT i try dating her. we get along great, we are good friends, we get along so well, have a lot in common, her baggage really is not a big deal any more, she’s not a slut, lets fookin do it, take the plunge. anddddddd then it turned out she was dating a new guy instead. and in the time that it took to scratch my head over that, she was done with HIM, due to his bad behavior. she said she was heartbroken.

this was kinda a warning sign too: how could she be OVER the first BF so quickly? how could she be in LOVE with a new guy so quickly? a guy who is a complete scumbag and probably gave her some diseases? i mean choosing him was a REAAAAAALLLLLLYYYYYYYY bad shitty decision on her part. also the fact that he was nonwhite. oh GOD. BURN THE COAL, PAY THE TOLL. I hated that. how could such a sweet nice gurl i was falling in luv with, make SUCH BAD DECISIONS?????!!?!?!?!?!?!

its sad to see someone you know and luv, make such bad shitty decisions. self destructive, embarrassing, degenerate shit. to see a good person go bad. that alone is very sad and breaks your heart. she is really at A Crossroads. she can either keep going down this path, which would be bad and sad, but now i kinda want her to destroy herself as Karma for how she destroyed me hahahaha. and i hate to think of her going down the right path and being a beautiful wonderful wife to some other super lucky guy.  when i wanted her to be my wonderful perfect wife hahahaha.

she was never a slut. she never got into Hard Drugs or Pills. These were probably the biggest risks to a gurl in her situation. BUT she experimented with Coal Burning. Oh Dear God. I mean that should be enough right? ESPECIALLY for me, since i am SO disgusted with coal burning. why would i even want to get NEAR her after that?!?!?!?! even if the guy is light skinned and white acting as opposed to a black as coal bix nood dindu nuffin hood rat? a barbaric tyrone with sagging pants who sets white gurls on fire and burns them alive? but rather a smooth talking charming will smith type? you should STILL know better than to fall for a smooth talking will smith type!!!!!!! i know you didnt have a father to teach you better!! but your mother is all right! what did SHE have to say about this??!??!?!?!

heh. so while i am kinda ashamed that i would have been so WILLING to forgive a COAL BURNER……that was how much i luved her. but i am still absolutely disgusted by coal burning.

it was just SO WEIRD. because she wasnt a slut, and this was the First Time she ever did such a thing. i mean i dont know for CERTAIN…..but im still pretty sure. trust me hahahaha.

in 2008 i think i was still a shitlib and voted for i dont even want to say his name. barry the darkie commie.

in 2012 i voted for mitt the mormon titt but i probably should have just thrown my vote away on ron paul hahahaha. point is, sometime between 08 and 12 i Turned. probably very much influenced by barry’s first term in office. i already had some of the red pills. i think prior to 08 i might have been discovering MRA, i definitely knew about Game, but i thought it was bad and a woman hating lie. but i appreciated MRA. but i didnt know what was degenerate and what was not. i couldnt articulate it. deep down i think i understood it though. that the idea of game and average PUAs were fookin muh dick degenerates. only roissy had the right idea, but he pretends to be QUITE the degenerate. deep down i think he wants a return to tradition and nondegeneracy. a writer like dalrock and maybe….i cant remember if its athol kay or rollo tomassi, that is about married game, longterm rel game. maybe even vox day touches on this a bit. vox day is generally a pretty good right wing thinker, but game is not his focus.

i was so into game and mra and mgtow because i was/am obsessed with women. women women women women women all the time. it was only the idea of Race that eventually pulled me away from women women women women women and got me to see the bigger picture. well thats not entirely true. bernard chapin helped me understand the big picture. hes a big picture mra/mgtow who understands the proper place of that movement: in the Right. and how feminism and moral decay is all part of Leftism, Cultural Marxism. and, like me, he is absolutely obsessed with women women women women women. i will always luv uncle bern, he was a big influence to me until just recently. when i really started getting into race. which he just doesnt touch. never mind the JQ. however he is good on mocking white privilege types, and he defends whites pretty strongly. but i would like to see him go even further. and i dont think he will. i feel bad for him that he hasnt found a decent woman yet and become a father. that would be a great thing for him to do. but hes already like 45 years old. not too old but….it DOES get harder to find a decent woman as you get older, and if SHES older, its harder for her to have children.

i dunno. if anyone can do it, he can. he deserves it. i just wouldnt want him to race mix with like a latina or something. i worry about that hahahahahahahahaha.

anyway hes a great guy with thousands of videos and i cant not recommend him. he was a big part of muh education. i even wrote him a Fan Email once and he responded to me and mentioned me in a video hahahaha. i was honored.

but i also liked the race stuff i was reading elsewhere. also i didnt want to be SO obsessed with women and i was starting to have doubts about mgtow. previous i was a hardcore proud mgtow. after a while i started to feel it was silly, and borderline woman hating. or at least anti-woman. and a lot of it IS. now there is some divide in the mgtow community, some will say you dont need to AVOID women, thats not what its about. i guess these would be the old mgtows. the NEWER mgtows are more extreme and hate women and shun women and want to have robotic wombs for reproduction. batshit crazy.

also i liked the idea of Traditionalists. some in the manosphere mocked “Tradcons” but i didnt see what the problem was.

anyway, long story short, i think SOME in the Manosphere would fit in well with the Alt Right, some but not all. not degenerates like roosh. i think forney might have the right idea and i liked in mala fide back in the DAY and i like some of forneys stuff even now. but he still has some degen tendencies that he needs to fix. plus im concerned he really may be a woman hater. i wish he would “just” find a decent woman, that would help him stop being a woman hater. but it is VERY hard to find a decent woman, well, to attract and keep a decent woman i should say. i cant do it either hahahaha. but i can totally empathize with forney. hes a little race conscious but he needs to be even moreso.

then theres aurini. yeah i guess by 2015-6 hes in a bit of a circle with forney, aaron clarey, and uncle bern. supposedly aurini was a huge degenerate and had secs with his friends wife. that is pretty sleazy. i dont know his position on this. ideally he would repent. also he seems like a possible woman hater.

again i cant judge, i totally understand woman haters, i might even be one myself hahahaha. definitely borderline. i dont really WANT to hate women. but i keep getting hosed by women. a lot of that is my fault…..well no more than 50% is my fault hahahaha. i have truly been unlucky with women. but maybe im PICKING the wrong women? but men dont pick women, women pick men! well, i was putting myself out there to be picked by the wrong women then. i wanted the wrong women.  i dunno. at least half of muh women have been good women, decent picks, not crazy whores. this last woman was a great woman, she just utterly HOSED me when she rejected me, she didnt HAVE to do it THAT badly. that was truly unlucky on my part, not that i picked the WRONG woman.

but yeah i really feel At Home now in 2016 on the Pro-White Alt-Right, it has everything i’m looking for and none of what i dont: anti degeneracy, anti sluts, anti feminism, anti marxism, pro tradition, pro whites, JQ aware, its just the perfect package for me, and right now, TRS is my go to for that type of stuff, and has one of the best forums i’ve ever seen. i really appreciate they are not women haters, and many of them are Married, and have Children. this is the thing I could never get out of MGTOW and MRA. they were too anti marriage and never talked about being fathers. just how their bitch ex wife ruined their lives and took their children.

yes that happens and it sucks and its why we NEED MRA and MGTOW. but ive just had too much of that and need to know that men and women can still get together and have good families. the idea of marriage and children is increasingly important to me as i get older. i would LUV to find a good wife and have some children. this is not a large emphasis in MRA/MGTOW at all. they might defer to Game/PUA on how to deal with women…….and 95% of that is FOOKING DEGENERATE, and also says All Women Are Like That, when i would HOPE that Some Women are Like That (degen sluts), but Some Arent (Decent Marriagable Traditional Women.)

so yeah i would like to see MUCH more nondegen Game writing, like Dalrock i guess. Marriage game, monogamy game, traditional game, wife game. words that sound ridiculous when paired with “game.” hahahaha Friends First Game. White Wife Game. 14 Words Game. Virgin Game.

yeah. its just sad to see 45 year old men who dont have a wife and children. they have to feel like theyre missing something. i know i would. maybe im imposing my attitude on that. but i think bernard would be a good father for sure. clarey probably would. and even aurini and forney have the potential to be  good fathers. even fooking ROOSH, the ultradegen kabob hahaha.  if they “JUST” found a good woman and started having keeds. i think they would rise to the occasion, and be better, less degenerate men for it. its just what they need!!!!!

maybe me getting older and thinking about Being A Father more precipitated my Ideological Move towards something more family-oriented, less degenerate. im sure it did actually.

as far as the Meaning Of Life, I think having Children and raising them is as close to the Meaning Of Life as we are gonna find. i mean this is pretty obvious once you get to be a certain age. its what we were put on this earth to do.

yeah its HARD to raise kids and even if we have good intentions and try our best and give our kids all they need, they still turn out to be screwups hahahaha. like some of us hahahaha. what shame we must bring on our families hahahaha. and we cant blame them. they tried their best. they gave us everything. they worried and worried and lost sleep and stressed out over whether or not they were raising us right, and they gave it every ounce of effort they had. MOST of the time this is more than enough to raise a child to successful adulthood. they get a job, achieve things in life, meet a mate, have some children of their own. others of us take a more circuitous route hahahahaha.

but yeah i have OBVIOUSLY reached the age where i am in my “dad phase” and i feel like DAMN, i should have had some KIDS by now. so there IS a kind of biological clock for men, for me at least.

yet ive done nothing with my life after college, i have been stuck for the past 11 years hahahaha. never got an acceptable job, never found a good wife, never had children. now a job is a necessary evil which im not passionate about, but i am very passionate about women, especially finding a wife essentially: a long term monogamous committed relationship. wife is good shorthand term for that. i dont care if the mgtow faggots start reeeeeeeeeeeeeing hahahahaha. i want a wife and i want a GOOD one. not some piece of shit slut coalburner single mom hahahahaha with shitty tattoos or any tattoos really.

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. SHE, that WOMAN, didnt have any tattoos on her lovely white skin!!!!!!! which, considering her unfortunate background, is pleasantly surprising; considering she was almost predestined to become a slut, get shitty tattoos, become a single mom, get addicted to drugs or pills, just become a total white trash degenerate in other words. just the worst white trailer trash. and she avoided all those traps. except for the coalburning. she might not even do that again cuz she might have learned her lesson!!!!!!!!

lotta good it does me though, if she has no feelings for me, no interest in me, no will to be with me and make it work. it takes two baby. team work to make the dream work hahahahahaha.

http://www.health.harvard.edu/newsweek/Calories-burned-in-30-minutes-of-leisure-and-routine-activities.htm

working at the tech support call center, i always felt overwhelmed, put upon, flustered, freaking out, i dont know what im doing, i dont know what to do, i dont know how to do my job, i dont know what to tell them, just tell me what to do and i will do it, nope doesnt work that way, just figure it out and do something fast. drink lots of coffee, have lots of watery coffee poops, i dont know how im gonna make it to lunch, i dont know how im gonna come back from lunch and finish the rest of my shift, oh god im done, but i gotta go this again tomorrow. and the day after that, and after that, and after that. ive gotta go home and study everything i dont understand, which is everything.

you almost NEEDED drugs to take the edge off every day. something to relax you and clear your mind. for a while i was taking MJ every day and it kinda worked for this purpose. but its degen and bad to take MJ every day. its no way to be.

a better way to be would be to work out like a madman. there were a couple of those types there, and they were in damn good shape. a few guys were practically Bodybuilders, just ripped. and im sure the stress from the job contributed to their working out so hard. get out of a long stressful shift and just go to the gym and go nuts. work out all weekend. hard to do if you have kids, which most people did.

other people were just fat slobs who went home and played vidya games, ate shitty food, drank a ton of soda, and were obese couch/chair potatoes. muching away at their mcdonalds and drinking tons of soda at their desks while working.

there were a LOT of anime nerds and vidya nerds. all about anime and fooking computer games, not just damn console games like the plebs.

there was one guy who was pretty fat and super nerdy, into computer games and anime. but he was very happy and cheerful and chill, and had a suprisingly good looking WIFE.

other animu nerds were just straight up lonely neckbeard virgins and just seemed despairing and sad and lonely. i felt pretty sorry for them.

some people drank too much on the weekends. you couldnt really drink on work nights because this is not the type of job you can do hungover.

some jobs you can do hungover. some jobs you can do while smoking MJ all day ON THE JOB. this was not one of those jobs.

but one guy, who was pretty chill, he would go out to his car on breaks and do MJ Dabs, then come right back in and Work His Cases and deal with people. i dont know how he did it. he was a real nice guy but i heard he did meth or coke sometimes too.

anyway you had to learn to not let it GET to you. some people had that down. and would just stuff their fat faces and get fatter. i was too stressed out to even EAT. i didnt learn that crucial lesson.

after like 4 months it started to get better. i could eat, i wasnt freaking out as much, me and the woman sat near each other and got along as good as ever.

but as shit started to go downhill with her, stuff also intensified on the job front, and i was more stressed out there. and stressed out with her. and jealous that she seemed to be handling the job stress better than me. and that she was less willing to be friendly to me. becuase i was pushing her and being too needy and needing too much support.

i took the tech cases very seriously, too seriously, and she didnt take them seriously enough. i was jealous of her laid back approach. this probably came from her being an MJ addict. she would take MJ on her off time, as did I, but i was still very uptight when i came in to work. she wasnt. i quizzed her with job related questions that were eating me up, and she just laughed them off. and in the end she stayed sane, kept the job, and might even get a damn promotion. or get a better job. fook her hahahaha.

i GUESS its GOOD to be gone from that ridiculous job. i just wish it hadnt happened that way. me being so unable to deal with the damn woman at the job, which led me to not being able to really DO the job.

i was sort of doing the job though. scraping by at the bare minimum. it was impossible to do any better. i thought shit would be better since i was off of Inbound Phones. and technically it WOULD have been a lot better. shit just got SO bad with her, i couldnt even do the nonphone job. to be fair there was stress with that job too. it was a super involved project where so much unpredictable unknown shit could go wrong…..and did. it was impossible to prepare for all that went wrong. you had to take it as it came, and wing it. other people were moving a lot faster than i was, either because they were cutting corners, or i was going too slow and not multitasking enough. prob a combination of both. i think there was a decent amount of corner cutting there. i did a little bit of it myself. it made you look more efficient, and efficiency was all that mattered.

i probably WAS leaning on her more than i should have for the moral support on the job. but i sorta stopped that, and began to rely more on other people. but i was still bitter at her for not being WILLING to support. its not like she didnt know how the job was. you just had to dig deep within yourself and find your happy place. i couldnt do that as well as she could. PLUS she was certainly aware of the tension between us. she was and i was. so even our small talk was Charged with some amount of tension, of the elephant in the room. the elephant in every interaction, every chat with her.

then she yelled at me once when i came to visit her. so i stopped visiting her, but i felt angry that she wouldnt even let me visit her once a day at the end of my shift to just say goodbye. i thought we were friends! now i cant even VISIT you? what the fook!!!!!! she was right over there, but i was banned from visiting her. i was still allowed to talk to her on chat though. fooking fantastic. what a blessing. what a gift.

on one hand, we WERE chained to our desks, so it WAS normal for people to use the chat program to chat with somebody seated 10 feet away. we didnt have the luxury of just getting up and talking to someone. because we were chained to our desks and had to answer calls or answer chats and finish as many cases as quickly as possible. but to not even take 2 minutes to say hi on lunch or before leaving?

oh yeah. another thing i didnt like was, i always visited her, and she NEVER visited me. she NEVER came over to MY area before her shift or on her break just to Say Hi or Bye to ME. i forgot about that. but its a great indicator of disinterest from her, and how there was a huge imbalance in the rel. she could have visited ME sometimes. also its not like i was trying to distract her from her work. i knew everyone was super busy all the time and you cant even really have small talk because youre focused on the current case, trying to pay attention to the caller or chatter. so really i was just trying to say hi or bye or how are you today and nothing more.

well the one time she yelled at me i WAS being kind of ridiculous on that instance.

but i still wish we talked about that incident. i kinda wanted her to apologize for overreacting. and it was an opportune time to discuss the Problems in our Rel.

but again i am kinda a confrontation avoider too. but she was even WORSE.

the best thing i could have done there was step up and be assertive, because she sure wasnt gonna. and say, THIS ENDS NOW.

instead i apologized for being weird and pushy to her, and secretly hoped she would apologize for yelling at me.

it wasnt really YELLING. you couldnt really make a scene there. but it was the most DIRECT thing she ever communicated to me with words: would you please leave now. just leave.

i was so shocked i couldnt respond, and i just left. and then apologized to her like a bitch over chat at the end of the day, although i was waiting for her to chat with me FIRST and apologize to me hahahahaha. of course she didnt. cuz it was all my fault.

to be fair i didnt act like a MAN and ASSERT MYSELF. i was essentially giving her permission to WALK ALL OVER ME, and by god she did, and showed me all the disrespect you would give a DOORMAT. i was a DOORMAT.

and when is a woman gonna give a DOORMAT the benefit of the doubt.

i dunno. i just women werent so hard on doormats hahahahaha. besides we were friends. i wish she said why are you being a doormat, dont be that way. and i wish i had been more assertive and stood up for myself.

i can totally understand why women, why people, dont respect doormats. but i wonder if they actually gave respect to the doormat, then the doormat might stop being a doormat.

but doormats dont deserve respect!

BUT i was thinking probably that because we were friends, yes i did deserve more respect as part of our friendship! maybe i wasnt a doormat, maybe i was just going through a rough patch and needed her to be there for me, support me, show me love and respect. or to hang out with me sometime. to want to spend time with me. rather than me being restricted to just chatting with her at work. thats not what a real friendship looks like!!!!!!

real friends hang out with each other!!!! are there for each other!!!!! end the friendship in a friendly way!!!!!

i mean i wasnt ALWAYS a doormat with her. we had a PAST! a HISTORY! a FOUNDATION! ROOTS!!!! and she just seemed to be disregarding all that. well yeah. she was distancing. she was ending the rel right then and there, checking out.

and its true i was acting different. then she acted different. and that was a fookin vicious circle.

TECHNICALLY SHE could have said THIS ENDS NOW. but she was not the type to do that. therefore the responsibility fell on me. plus the man SHOULD do that.

well she DIDNT need to say this ends now, she COULD HAVE just said YES i will hang out with you, lets hang out saturday and chill out and talk. THAT is something even a woman should be able to do. yes i accept your invitation to hang out. which i was asking her every 2 weeks so as not to be too pushy. hahahaha. a pushy doormat.

wanna hang out this weekend. maybe. ill text you and let you know. no text. talk to her on monday. how was you weekend. oh good. no comment on how she didnt text me. and i was too pussy to say THIS ENDS NOW. then friday say what are you doing this weekend? wanna hang out? we couldnt hang out last weekend you never texted me. oh yeah sorry abotu that. this weekend i dunno. ill text you if i can.  AND SO ON. it could have easily gone on longer than 10 months hahahahaha.

so yeah not my finest hour but i would have appreciated a LITTLE BIT of concern and effort from her. anything. just hang out with me for 2 hours. 3 would be better. ill buy you dinner. please please please please.

yeah its pathetic. i guess in the past i was a doormat to women as well. its so rarely i am interested in a woman so i forgot that when i am, i can be pushy, and a doormat. either way i have to stop doing that shit, and start ASSERTING myself, saying THIS ENDS NOW.

although next time i get interested in a woman, so much time will have passed, that i will have forgotten that i have a bad habit to become a doormat when i am interested in women hahahaha. since i only get interested in women once every 3 years hahahaha.

FULL BLOWN LUV IS MUCH MORE IMPORTANT THAN WANTING TO GET YR D WET

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had a dream where i was walking thru my old high school as like a 21 year old man. weird. not sure what i was doing or who i was looking for. wandering slowly. about 20 feet behind me i saw a gurl i hadnt seen in a few years, who i sorta liked, but was a huge mudshark slut. i would have liked to bang her tho. we were sorta friends very briefly, but i didnt know how to pull sluts, and she lost interest in me due to my omeganess and at the time sloppy drunkenness and just went and was a slut for musicians, hipsters, scumbags, and nonwhites  happily ever after hahaha.

so i was like its been a few years maybe i can have a fresh start and bang her whore ass. so i stopped walking and waited for her to catch up to me. she must have not seen me even though i was looking right at her, she stopped and talked to someone else.  ok fine i will come back in a few minutes. who the hell does she know here? well she fooks everybody (but me) and has 90000 fb friends, maybe she found another secsy man or person she knows. whatever she still looks good enough to bang.

i walked around a bit more then came back and saw she was talking to someone else this time. great. i didnt want to just interrupt tho that would have been the masculine thing to do.

i went into the cafeteria and in there i saw THAT WOMAN. she looked angry or upset and a young black man was trying to comfort her. i went down there cuz i wanted her to see me. she saw me. and then i started crying like a little bitch and started running out of there, moaning and wailing, saying nooooooo, how could you do this to me, whyd you do this to me…. real good show hahahaha. then i woke up and it was time to get up. but it was just stupid that she damn popped in in the last minute of the last dream before i had to get up. stupid.

yeah when someone drops you like this, you can ONLY THINK, what did i DO WRONG to DESERVE THIS? WHAT DID I DO WRONG?

yeah i should have been more straightforward, but she was refusing to meet with me, but stringing me along that we would meet someday. BUT i was also signaling hardcore, that i was NOT hiding. signaling that my feelings had changed for her. she CERTAINLY picked up on that and thats WHY she became distant. she didnt WANT to talk further about this, she just wanted me to STOP. i should have just taken that as my answer, but i dont work like that hahaha i always need to tell them and have them respond to it, which i dont think is inherently wrong!

so in other words, she KNEW what i wanted to talk about, and she did not want to talk about that AT ALL. she just wanted it all to go away. well it sure did.

redacted

do women have AGENCY? many on my favorite new forum would disagree.

i dunno. i just dont know. i would like to think that decent marriageable women have SOME agency.

i just really hate the idea that if i had had more agency, i could have been with muh luv. i could have won her. i could have made her luv me and want to be with me, if i had not screwed up, had been more masculine, more alpha, more agency, more strength, more of a man. but i failed and lose muh one true luv, who would be a good wife and mother of muh children, unlike sluts, or older women, or single moms, or whatever.

heh my 2d waifu sinead is in the MW new years hangout chatroom RIGHT NOW trying to get in the actual hangout. oh i would luv that.

her and renegade view the “alt right” as controlled opposition sellouts and cucks hehehehe. they have been talking smack about ramzpaul and richard spenser. havent seen any official sht talk from them against MW but i would like her to talk to MW. She could not find the link to the hangout and i almost WHITE KNIGHTED and sent it to her hahahaha. because i like her more than other fans of MW and TRS.

that the “alt right” is a bunhc of PUSSIES and WEAKLINGS and LUKEWARM and not willing to go all the way for whites, all talk, no action; moderates, degenerates, cucks, cowards, and that sinead and co are on the real winning team hehehehe.

and i am in luv with her because she is counter-semitic and looks like the woman who i am in Luv with hahahaha. and she is the qtest young woman ever seen in The Pro White Movement.

and its no use signaling to sinead because she is with the renegade guy i think who is way more handsome and alpha and younger than me, and she has a kid with him, and she wuld think i am a phaggot pussy omega not WORTHY of a decent white woman. go and get one from fookin cambodia or some sheet. cuz i am too soft on degeneracy and dont deserve a REAL woman.

well i kind of DONT! i am a huge loser! 8 pounds overweight, jobless, no confidence, no skills, no charisma, nothing to show for myself hahahaa. lost all muh frendz and muh job and muh woman and became a neet hehehehe.

a friend of a friend is 40 years old and i learned he has an 18 yo gf. INTERESTING, i said. i am interested in how that turns out.

redacted

there is nothing wrong with a 40 year old wiht an 18 year old, although normies even men would find it “weird.” the real stupid thing is assuming a 28 year old woman is any more amture than an 18 year old! when they bring up the “well the 18 year old is just not mature” argument. yet the 28 year old with 30+ men, IS somehow mature through that enlightening life experience.

the man was very lonely and had not dated in MANY YEARS so that was seen as factoring in. turns out the gurl was not terribly attractive, esp for an 18 year old! heck the 25 year old gurl i was in love wiht was better looking.

so there was thoughts oh he is so lonely and desperate to get his dick wet.

i sort of agreed but i would add, its now gone FAR BEYOND THAT. becuase now he is in FULL BLOWN LUV and thats the important thing now, that is MUCH more power than wanting to get your dick wet!

and possible she will dump him and he will be DEVASTATED. even worse than i was cuz hes in a rel with and banging this girl. and then he will be a 41 year old man dumped and devastated by a 19 eyar old gurl.

i hate to see that happen! cuz he is a great guy, met him a couple times. but TEXTBOOK beta niceguy. not the entitlement kinda nice guy either, but just a nice sweet gentle soul, who is gonna get dumped for being Too Nice and not Masculine Enough. and he doesnt deserve that! he deserves a nice 18 yo gf!

so “my” woman wasnt perfect but she ticked my most important boxes:

not a slut: VERY below average number of cox

really nice and sweet and gentle and loving and kind and caring (until she wasnt)

decent looking, perhaps a 7/10 and 25 years old, when am i ever gonna pull a gurl THAT HAWT again?

no kids

so yeah i think damn how could i ever do better than that. well by finding a woman who actually likes me. but she probably wont be as high quality! and i will always be COMPARING her to That Person.

so really the only thing i can do to have her fade away is TIME. i mean That Person technically wasnt as High Quality as the Previous Woman, who was healthier, had a better family life, more Emotionally Mature, and had even LESS cokz!!!!!! damn!!!!

and when i first met that person i was comparing her unfavorably to previous woman! but then eventually, in TIME, i got over previous woman and fell in total luv with That Woman!

so, IN SHORT, i could possibly get over that woman and fall just in luv with an even LOWER quality woman in a few years hahahaha.

oh yayyyyy my waifu sinead shiska is now in the hangout i hope she stays in there at least 1 hour and has a 1v1 convo with MW in the new current year

she is so purty, i guess she sort of looks like That Woman but sinead is technically better looking hahahaha

sinead was talking real fast and had that crazy look and then she abruptly left. she probably called them alt right phaggot woman hater mgtows who hate women and dont deserve a good woman like her, and that alt right is a bunch of talkers and compromisers who will sell out the huwhites while its TRUE pro whites like sinead who will save the white race by having white children and homeschooling them.

well i wuldnt disagree, that is a GREAT idea

i dont even know what she said, sound was not on, just watching the chat blow up faster than i could read it!

now sineads husbando kyle is on the hangout and sinead is in the chat hehehe. they might also be calling the alt right faggots for being pro christian, pagan is the only way hehehe

again i am not actually listening

well these are legit debates. i mean the alt right is not anything monolithically. some are christian, some are pagan, some are even atheist fedoras hahaha.

theres a new guy in there, i think its seventh son from TRS oh yasssss this might be the hottest hangout yet

this might not be the first time 7th son has shown his face…..buti have never seen his face until today!

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its the new current year hahahaha.

i watched the countdown on fox news and then went to bed at 1220 am hehehehe. though well whos SHE fooking or kissing at midnight. last time i “partied” was 2008-9 nye because then i was drinking. i am sure i got raging drunk. yeah i think all i did was get stupid drunk, then smoked a little bit of MJ and just got completely incoherent, and the gurl i wanted to be there, a dirty mudshark  crazy whore, was not even there, prob off at some other party getting drunk and fooked. i drank myself into oblivion and passed out on a couch or floor. woo hoo. great times.

so yeah i hate the tradition of you kiss some herpes ridden b at midnight who is just gonna suck some other guys d in 15 minutes hahahahaha.

well ideally you have a monog gf, or someone you are looking to make your monog gf, and then you make out with them at midnight.

i did this once when i invited Woman2 to nye party in 2004-5. i know i made out with her at some point. everyone was drinking of courshe, we went to my room, made out, i was too scared to plow her becuase i thought that was a serious thing, then she left and got plowed by another guy in the house, then i think came back to me an hour later, then left in the middle of the night hahahahaha. what a worthless whore.

however even she communicated better and treated me nicer at the very end than That Person did!

yeah i would totallly race mix with the truth will live, a qt jewish alt right gurl, who, like me, is OBSESSED WITH MORALITY, including of courshe sexual morality, and she understands why secs is serious and casual sex is IMMORAL. she is super qt as well, way qter than a J gurl should be, yet she showed her 23&me results, which is the kewl thing to do for young “alt rightists” who are interesting in race, and yeah she’s like 98% J. its legit.

http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/why-doesnt-he-appreciate-me-0

i mean i dont WANT to hate women. i dont want to be a pathetic woman hater who hates women becuase he cant get a woman!

but i cant get a woman and when i try they disappoint me in very immature and hurtful ways. they throw me away like garbage or make out with me, then leave and FOOK another guy, then come back to me again after having just been fooked by another guy. that’s not right! thats not normal! NAWALT!!!!!

and i really do treat women on a case by case basis. i dont prejudge them. but i sure as hell JUDGE them! and most times i am judging by evidence that i see or they plainly admit! just talking about their slutty lives and casual relships! and i just say mhmm mhmm tell me more, but in my mind i am judging them and crossing them off the list of acceptable wives because they are clearly living a degen life and have no morals!

well i shouldnt say that. they “JUST” have very compromised sexual morals. but that is a dealbreaker for me!!

this hacker weev seems pretty kewl and he is hip to the racialism. i would hate to compete against him for a quality woman hahahaha cuz i would get BTFO rightfully.

that feel when its your job to help someone, a customer or client, they’re talking about something you dont know, and you have to figure it out through sheer force of will and you cant pass them on to someone else. you can sort of get help from people who are too busy to REALLY help you so they just give you short unhelpful answers via a chat program. that and shitty technical articles are your only resources for solving and explaining whatever ridiculous shit your person has. god damn i hated this. i would get so nervous before each day of work i would say like 2 rosaries worth of hail marys, starting before i even got out of bed, contiuing as i got ready, chugged coffee, pooped 3 times becuase the coffee, drove off to get there a solid 45 minutes before clocking in just so i could Self Train, make a good impression with higher ups, talk to people about Techincal Issues and try to win friends and influence people so i wasnt seen as a weird neet autist, read emails, read new/updated tech documents/articles/news,  hail marys all the way, drinking more coffee, pooping again.

the constant nervousness really sucked. damn i hated being so NERVOUS all the time!

and SHE was there every day with me. at first she was moral support and i couldnt do it without her. then she was kryptonite and i couldnt do it WITH her there. my god how insane.

ok time to go to fatclub. my resolutions for new year are to lose weight and get new job.

not to get over her because i cant see that happening before 2017 hahahahaha. also even 2 resolutions is too much hehehehe. i am optimistic about losing weight, but i dont NEED to lose weight as much as i NEED to get damn slave job hahahaha.

 

EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON

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EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON!!!!

that was my big lesson yesterday.

EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

That Person TURNING on me, that was for the REASON on, to teach me the LESSON of, I thought she was the ONE……but she WASNT. I was WRONG about her being my soulmate or wife or waifu or gf. i was so in luv, and the luv itself wasnt wrong…..but the person was wrong.

i thought she was the one…..and this is the hands of fate or muh higher power saying NOPE. WRONG. SHE IS NOT the ONE.

ITS NOT MEANT TO BE.

and similarly, that job was not meant for me. i mean i hated it anyway but i learned how to survive it and prob would have kept surviving if SHE wasnt there. but it wasnt the job i was destined for hahahahaha.

besides even if the next job i get is even shittier…….itll also by definition be somewhat better because SHE wont be there.

and if i fall in luv with a coworker, then i will just tell her and get it over with. it will be easier because i wont have a long term friendship/relship on the line.

its not like i just met That Woman at That Job. it was a very unusual situation, where we were ALREADY friends, and then BOTH got this new job at the same time, as kind of a cooperative coordinated effort. i didnt get into the new job THEN meet her.

heh though i did meet her at my previous job. then we became friends, gradually became closer in IMHO a very Natural and Slow Normal Right Good Process, rather than fooking somebody in a damn Grotesque Charade of Intimacy within a few weeks.

we became closer and of course talked about jobs and finding better jobs. found out a company was hiring a ton of people. both got in.

what if i fell in luv with her while at previous job? well…..during that time she was still with her boifran. and i didnt have feelz for her. and if i DID, we were CLOSER then, and TALKED and HUNG OUT more, so, i prob would have found it easier to tell her.

heh. i wonder if she became friends with me just to try to make her bf jealous. its possible. she wanted him to luv her more and i dont think she was above trying to make him jealous.

that didnt really work, cuz i just became normal friends with her, and i eventually became somewhat friendly with HIM! not sure if she saw that coming. but she said she was happy about that because he didnt have many friends.

it was really weird how she took so long to tell me about HIM. she told me about other things but took forever to tell me about him.

its not that she wanted to cheat on him, in fact i fully believe she wanted to make him jealous so HE could prove his luv for her, because she was hopelessly in luv with him, and wanted him to luv HER. sound familiar???? hahahaha

well eventually she opened up to me about him. i took that to mean that these topics it took her FOREVER to talk about but she eventually would. but eventually wiht my case, i couldnt wait forever. it was killing me!

there were a lot of moving parts here. variables. makes my situation unique. i just cant refer to the manual for what to do when you fall in luv with your friend, after 2 years, when you work together, at a horribly stressful job, but you didnt meet at THAT job, and they give you a terrible silent treatment and avoiding, and refuse to hang out with you, when they used to hang out with you. lot of moving parts hahahahaha.

cant just look this one up in the manual and get step by step process of what to do.

no i mean i already know what i should have done, blurted it out within 3 months. so, by like january or feb 2015 at the latest, pulled her aside and told her at work, and or written an email. in feb, not july. that extra 5 months pushed me over the edge.

link to trs forum 2.0 which was completely SHOAHED plus they wouldnt want outsider normies reading their threads ANYWAY

hehehe good thread. marry a loyal feminine nonwhite woman or a piece of shit white woman hahahaha

maybe she owuld have liked me if i PUT HER IN HER PLACE and corrected her bad behavior. it was all a massive shit test, which i failed MISERABLY hahahaha. because i have always been bad at shit tests. and thats why ive never “been with” a woman more than 2 months. but i can still be friends with women becuase then theres no shit tests.

heh. i wish they didnt give such STUPID shit tests. also there were times when i sort of teased her in a masculine strong way.

heh i regret not being more of an ASSHOLE to her. maybe that would have passed her SHIT TEST and she would have been muh wife hahaha.

but thats the problem with being friends first, is that youre not used to being an ASSHOLE to them.

great thread on trs forum racecucks on hahaha

great forum altogether, been visiting it on the reg and getting useful info from decent “fashy” “based” people. kind of like /pol but not anonymous and more camaraderie towards a more explicit goal than /pol .  these are real people and we all want basically the same thing. sort of.

shit if she wanted me to SPANK her to teach her to be a good gurl and not a bad gurl, and respect me as the man, i was/am MORE THAN WILLING to give her a GOOD spanking!

but yeah when is the first shit test given?

honestly whats more likely is that she was not interested in me at ALL in that way and was not “shit testing” me, even though shit testing is not conscious; but it was her just wanting to avoid dealing with an Inconvenient Truth.

thats a bit different than a simple standard shit test.

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i have never been good at shit tests. i have always cracked. i have always been willing to give the women whatever they want. cuz im scared they will leave me. and im like i wish you could just TELL ME what you want and i would work with you. but you just get mad and then leave me because i dont do the right thing apparently. tell me what you want. but thats a joke because its womens nature to never tell you what they want? you have to figure out that they want a strong man to put them in their place somehow. they dont even really know what they want. they need a manly man to SHOW them what they want. and i have never been that kind of man.

and i have ALWAYS failed with women. but its always been uncertain what the cause was. BUT ive always been kinda unmanly in that repsect, that i dont PUT THEM IN THEIR PLACE.

of course theyre not going to TELL YOU. theyre TESTING you. they might not even REALIZE theyre testing you. its a NONVERBAL test and i ALWAYS fail it.

but the more reasonable and Positive for me interpretation here is, it wasnt a real shit test, because she was never really interested in me.  she wouldnt even hang out with me. dont shit tests happen when they hang out with you?

try to explain things you dont understand.

trying to fix things, where you dont even know what they ARE. saying fix this car and you dont even know what a car IS.  you bring it back and say uhhhhh does that look good to you? and they say yeah i guess but would you know if you fixed it? and then you bullshit bakc, well, you have to try it though to see if it breaks again. because i dont even know what a car is, i dont know how to test it.

i dont know what its supposed to look like when it works. i couldnt even tell it was broken. now that ive Reset it, im not sure if ive done that right, and i dnt know how to test it.

yes youre right, i DONT know what im doing! but its the current year and dont you know companies dont train people? im an FNG and i am jsut trying to figure stuff out.

its confidence building to figure out a problem on your own, but its not confidence building to take an exam without studying or preparing. and the entire work day is the exam. and people are bitching at you, dont you know what youre doing? no, not really!

mgtows say yes all women are like that or will become like that with the poisonous influence of our culture. women jsut cant be trusted.

traditionals say have you ever TALKED to women? not as many women are shitty like you think. there are more good woman out there than you think.

hehehehehe i really hope so.

i was trying to think of a good right wing fascist traditional role model for Rels. well you go to the man, Uncle Al himself, AH, 1488, and……while being a powerful thinker and leader and man, not sure he was the best role model for rels with women. i mean he never even had any children! although i think he had a good rel with eva braun. who was a traditional nonslut woman who loved and supported him and i am sure he luved her too hehehehe.

so WWAHD if eva braun gave him a shit test and stopped talking to him?

a degenerate r-selected rat might say, demonstrate higher value, be unflappable, and become unavailable to her, maybe even “spin plates.”

or do you confront the issue directly, say I DEMAND SATISFACTION, I WILL NOT BE TREATED THIS WAY, YOU CHANGE OR IM GONNA LEAVE YOU. then you look butthurd and man and thats not secsy to care that much and get so emotional!

plus Uncle Al was probably not one to play Childish Merchant Mind Games with White Women. He would probably go the direct route and say,

YOU TREAT ME WITH RESPECT, OR I’LL FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL.

you are pushing my boundaries. stepping over the line.

so if you are not happy about that……i mean you let that UPSET you, because you CARE too much… thats BAD? and pushes the woman away? because you CARE about her? damn.

well to keep a woman from leaving you, you have to not care about them too much?

i guess. what would Uncle Al do. he would say, you treat me with respect, or i;ll find someone who will.

and then she can say oooo u mad and then dump him for not handling the shit test like a Cool Guy.

is that immature? arent all women immature until they have at least 3 kids? which most women never do?

i mean i am immature but i want to communicate when there are problems. maybe that is NAIVE? to think women will be willing and able to communicate, when you should know just  to PUT THEM IN THEIR PLACE??!?!?!?!!

i was watching pbs and they had rolling stones live in 1971 at the marquee club in london. it was a very good performance, very electrifying, the stones were at a peak. sound quality was great but the video was very spastic, with fast cuts or just close ups on mick jaggers face. just show the damn band and move and zoom slowly. and dont do so many face close ups. the band is more than mick jagger. or is this pandering to women who dont care about the rest of the band. but theyd certainly fook one of the other guys if mick was occupied. hahahaha. see how much i hate women? its a poisonous attitude.

basically, you should not be looking for a good gurl backstage at a rolling stones concert hahahaaha or any rock concert. gurls hanging around trying to FOOK rock stars. ok a woman can GO to the rock concert but dont try to FOOK the rock stars. just enjoy the concert and GO HOME when its over.

also i cant PROVE that it was my lack of masculinity that drove all the gurls away. i am unmanly and i do always get dumped but i cant PROVE that it was THIS common factor that was the root cause. but its a very easy way to scapegoat myself. i mean i am trying to improve my manliness.

anyway the stones show was excellent BUT the band is HUGE degenerates. mick prancing around like a faggot, but he sounded great. all the guys on drugs and booze and banging sluts after their shows. this is no way to live. yet they were young and strong and virile and the drugs was working well at that time. they looked young. it was strange to think, holy shit, i am OLDER THAN THE ROLLING STONES were in this video. the guy said mick and keith were 27 in this video and i was like shit i am way older than that! also they looked better than i did at 27! and they drank more! so why did they look good? because they were happy to be rocking out and banging bitches? but it was weird how some of them looked like they were dead. very wooden. well i am talking particularly about the bass player bill wyman looked dead. but who gives a shit about the bass player? nonetheless i felt he should have been having more fun. unless he was morally conflicted about being with degenerates. but im sure he wasnt. he was doing drugs and banging sluts too. so have a little more fun. a similar issue was happening with the second player, who i learned was “mick taylor” of john mayalls blues band. brian jones came before and ronnie wood came after.

anyway they did degenerate shit. i learned there was a push by their ((((MANAGER)))) to give them more of a bad boy image around this time. its an interesting lesson in how women give it up easy for badbois hahahahahaha.

the music and the performance were outstanding but there is a LOT of degeneracy to Parse Out here, which most degenerate rock fans would not be willing or able to do. ive been there myself! but i dont want to give up the music itself entirely. its the kind of degenreate wild oats i wanted to sow when i was young and never managed to do that for myself. although 27 is too old for them to be doing that hahahaha.

theres a thought that mgtow is just the opposite of feminism in the sense that its a psyop by our masters to make men and women hate each other. good goyim, women are scary and bad, maybe you should go mgtow or go gay and never have a white family! yes good goyim!

where feminism does the same thing just to women. yes shiksa hate those oppressive men! be a slut and give yourself away and let us indoctrinate your bastard mixed children!

but i never understood how haivng a bunch of welfare parasites is in the interest of the powers that be. its not like you can get tax money out of them, if they are not working. do you tax their welfare benefits hehehehe

but i would think the ideal situation is have as many people working so you can get as much tax money as possible.

anyway i might go on a blackout of mgtow type stuff because its just not good for my mental health to be that hateful to women hahahahah.

but i also gotta avoid PUA/Game stuff becasue thats even worse. total degeneracy.

yes the pro-white alt-right is a good place for me right now.

there is some overlap with manosphere and mra and mgtow and maybe even game. and i cant say mgtow is BAD. i totally understand it, almost TOO well.

i just wanna be a white knight to women and mgtow doesnt let me do thatttttt!!!!!!!

hehehe alt right says that mgtow is a mirror of sjw leftists; mgtow sayz that alt right is a mirror of sjw leftists oh good lord.

so i shouldnt have let her become so important to me?

i couldnt help it i swear. and i told her stuff like you are very imporatnt to me and weve been friends for a while now and i really appreciate that and i hope we can be friends for a long time and maybe become even closer and hang out more.  i said shit like that in my infamous xmas 2014 message which i sorta wish i saved. that was probably the biggest signal to her.

hehehe. so you should take ritalin or adderrall before you start work so you are ready to hit the ground running and not seem like you aer stupid or drugged or slow.

but also take valium or xanax so youre not freaking out. then the second you get

off the clock, take some nyquil or a sleeping pill. but of course stay at your office at LEAST an extra hour reading and studying and self training and asking Senior TeamMates questions and Signaling and especially if there are Higher Ups there who can see you staying after your shift.

once they go home, then you can go home and also by now the nyquil should be kicking in.

then go home and take care of your aging family, and you have no wife or gf or kidz, and study more work shit and take MJ if youre lucky hahahaha. you got about 1-2 hours to do all this then you SHOULD get to bed so you get enough rest to be ON for the long day tomorrow.

but it can be hard to sleep when you are worried about the job and life. but you have to sleep to be ON because every day is like a Big Exam that you’re never quite ready for.

come on. things coulda been so good. hahahaha. it was nice just to get along with a woman over the long term. thats why i like the “being friends” thing cuz that never happened when i pseudodated bitches.  i like getting to know someone, and trust them, respect them, get comfortable with them, and it would be perfect to be able to upgrade that. but do all women put you in the friendzone hahahaha.

was this wasnt even really friendzone, it was more like, i am gonna be SO OFFENDED by you liking me that i am never gonna talk to you again and we are gonna end a long term friendship right now and thats it.

are all women like this?

no, most women are even worse hahahahahaha i got off lucky!

well she was one of the most positive things in my life. i remember the good times. there really were not NEARLY as many. cause we didnt hang out enough. i regret not hanging out with her enough ahhahaha. but kinda hard if she doesnt WANT to hang out hahahaha.

but yeah i had never even been friends with a woman for years. just totally rusty. i am not used to any drama with women or how to deal with women at all! well things only got WEIRD once i got feelings for her.

but now i know can get feelings for a woman after several years.

i guess for future reference, WARN the women so they get fair warning. yeah who knows i might get feelings for you 2 years in. so lets always talk about this in the open.

shit. it doesnt even matter if they are ugly and old and have 5 mud kids and been with 30 guys and have shitty tattoos and are < 6/10 hahaha. i might still fall in luv with them. PREPARE FOR THE WORST.

basically anything can happen. i didnt think i would ever get feelings for her and i sure did. and it totally makes sense. we were close, i liked her as a person, AND she was an attractive young woman, low number, nice, not obnoxiously, not a whore, nothing blatantly ugly like obese or ugly face or stumpy hahahaha, yeah whats weird is i didnt get feelings sooner.

but yeah i hate feeling incompetent at everything job related. cant talk to customers, dont know what i am doing. but i CAN talk to customers and i CAN fake my way until after a year i sorta DO know what i am doing!

just the thought of her was a big support for me. the fantasy i had. being in luv with her. i cant believe the feelings only lasted 10 months. well, technically they are still ongoing hahaha.

i cant believe how much i invested in her. when i didnt want to get that invested in ANYONE. i was invested in her without even realizing.

and you always question yourself. mauybe i didnt beg ENOUGH hahahaha.

no of course i begged enough. but as soon as the tension was rising by feb, which was already like 4 months in, should blurted.

just sad. stuff was once so good and it went so so so so bad. it has left behind a huge void in muh life. unfort i really do need wimmin hahahahaha.

AFTER 30 GUYS, U DONT CARE WHOSE C0Q U TAKE OR WHOSE HEART U BREAK

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sheeeeeit.  had dream with her in it, didnt need that. she was cuddling with me in a half hearted, not really into it sort of way.

because i am anxious and ambivalent and neurotic i am always worried about lovers Not Really Loving Me, then i push them away with my Smothering Doubt. Do you really luv me? do you really luv me? hehehehe and they get mad and say well obviously nothing i do will never be enought o convince you! and they leave. but its my fault for not trusting them hahahaha.

BUTTTT the point is, they really did never luv me, so i was RIGHT to doubt their luv! we were never in that kind of rel, of COURSE they didnt LUV me!

so i didnt push her away with pushing of “do you realy luv me? i dont believe you. i dont believe you.”

it was more pushing her away with  “i want to talk about me liking you” and it was clear at that point she didnt like me back so she saw no need to talk about it.

ok. i guess i just wanted to end our Rel in a nicer way. thats a valid wish hahahaha.

but yeah i have a very insecure relationship style anyway where i WOULD eventually suspect the person of losing interest in me and probably push them away with my suspicion. because its been a recurrring problem in muh “rels” with wimmin, that they never had much interest in me to being with.

but Some Women dont need to have much interest in you to have secs with you and show a lot of interest in you for like 2 weeks. and that is just a mindfook for me!!!! well ya sure seemed INTERESTED for those 2 weeks!!!!!! and i liked that!

i jsut hate being so weak with women that i throw my OWN life down the crapper.

well, part of it was due to the job itself. but at least 60% of it was having to work every day with someone who not only rejected me, but Harshy Terribly Meanly Rejected me. when this was the woman i wanted to spend muh life with hhahahahaha.

so this one persnality test says i am “THE COMPOSER.”

but basically the biggest thing of my personality is that i am NEUROTIC. and then introverted hugely. but even MORE hugely neurotic.

and that sucks because you cant put a positive spin on neurotic like you can with introvert. neurotic is just a recipe for being a total loser at life. you will have BIG trouble getting and keeping jobs, women, and friends. you will be constantly tortured by anxiety and doubt and despair and no confidence and generally be a miserable failure virgin mgtow hahahahahaha. never find a white wife. can only pay thai and philippine gurls to bang you.

well at least i have given up pron. it has been a few months since i looked at it. but damn. even just a year ago i was looking at it maybe once a week! thats not a LOT…. but its still probably too much!!!!!!!! and you need to go cold turkey for MONTHS to get your brain back to unpronified mode.

but the composer…..yeah muh neurotic narciss writing blog right here is my main “composition.” GREAT.

and brigning that neuroticism into every rel with women….pushes them away.

i am cool and distant and find it very difficult to get close to people and make new friends…….BUT i also try to be ver nice to people as a rule so they dont think of me as an autistic weirdo. so i am remembered as A Nice Guy rather than a Weirdo Loner Sperg Psycho hahaha.  so they might not know much abotu me but they know i am a nice guy who is easy to get along with and friendly. i was kinda becoming that guy at my job….but then i SNAPPED. i hate SNAPPING.

MW had his Female Panel the other night and i guess there was a troll and he made the video unlisted. im not even sure what happened. maybe a male troll showing his bare ass on webcam? i dont know. dont quote me.

but then there are hardcore mgtows in the comments calling the women bitches and say fook you for using men as disposable cannon fodder, if this is what it means to be a man and man up, i want no part of it, i dont want to be a slave sacrificing my life for a cvnt etc etc etc.

and i am very interested in this debate because i can understand both sides. at this point this guy sounds like a real woman hater, and i would say, well, ideally men and women are complementary, the man doesnt mind sacrificing for his Fair Maiden, because she reciprocates with her LOYALTY and LUV and SUPPORT and being the mother of his children, etc.

when, quite rightly, a mgtow would say to that, yeah but she DOESNT reciprocate with that. she abandons you, leaves you in the lurch, shows you NO loyalty, and STEALS your money and children!!!!!!!!!!!

and then you rebut, well NAWALT, sorry but you married a real shitty woman then sorry abotu that, but really truly NAWALT!

and then you can debate how many NAWALT.

and many mgtows believe that even if NAWALT yet, our society is a slippery slope that enables and pushes all women to BECOME like That: disloyal mercenary parasite thieves. its enough to turn a good woman bad, and until that system changes, men have to AVOID WOMEN.

but ultimately i need women too much to willfully avoid them!

which puts me at risk for getting so desperate that I fall for the spell of one of those evil women! who shows some interest at first but then a few years later, loses the interest and robs me!

shit i would love to have a woman show interest in me for that long hahahaha.

so in other words, IF i actually made ok money, i would be a HUGE target for evil parasite women hahahaha.

now i am a target for nobody except totally batshit borderline women that dont even care that i dont have resources or power; and certainly dont care who they mkae babies with.

in short, i am neurotic and insecure as hell which is a big potential problem for my relships with women (i am much better with men!), and i have always been dumped because they lose interest and didnt REALLY like me; BUT i shouldnt let that fool me into blaming myself for being too needy or clingy, since i wasnt actually THAT needy or clingy, i was well within the NORMAL RANGE for a person who has feelings for another person, and do not deserve to be shamed as needy because of that. tell them well how did YOU act when you were in love with chad thundercock at age 15? you acted like a 15 year old gurl and imagined a life together and drew little hearts and wanted him to be your one and only forever and ever, long term. then you went down a slippery slope, and after 30 guys, you dont care whose cock you take or whose heart you break.

heheheh my female friend seemed to care about the cox she took, but ultimately did not care about breaking MY heart.

MAYBE im overestimating the sluttiness of the average women. and that HONESTLY. maybe even as much as 50% of 25 year old women (i pick 25 as being the median and average of The Twenties) that are 6/10 and above are not promiscuous sluts with over 30 partners who take cox and break hearts very casually! maybe half of them take sex and rels seriously, have had under 5 partners, date only within their race, are not into weird open relationships and nonmongamy.

in other words, 50% of The Dating Pool of 25 Year old Single White Women, are Decent.

bbbbbut that sounds a little high, how abotu 25%?

how about 37.5%?

so yeah the mgtows call the “alt right” people white knight pvssy worshippers and the alt right calls the mgtows omega loser butthurt neckbeard basement phaggots.

right now i am more on the side of alt right but i understand the mgtow frustration. and i think we shouldnt wife up bitches and whores even white ones…….but the alt right isnt saying we SHOULD anyway! they would say wife up and have lots of kids with a decent white woman! well i certainly agree with that. and they are certainly quick to shame shameful behavior and not “save a ho” with degenerate white bitches.

on the other hand, maybe degenerate white bitches would make ideal partners for omega white males like me hahahaha.

fookin neurotic. how is that even factored into your PERSONALITY. theres nothing GOOD about it. nobody wants a neurotic. neurotic is inherently antiwhite and omega and weak. yet its the largest most prevailing part of muh personality.

i mean yeah the neurotic stuff sucks and i have a lot but i have good stuff too. like i am moral and kind and loving and smart and shit. i am the composer. like beethoven. or wagner hahahaha. but not with music. fook music its degenerate.

so why cant i compose up a successful business or something hahahaha.

also i think a extraverted neurotic will do better than an introverted neurotic.

hehehe i am prob very much like millennial woes personality wise. he was a neet loser in despair and unemployable, but now he is truly turning his life around and becoming the man he was born to be.

but you know he has been in despair because he dresses shabbily and smokes too many cigarets and doesnt care about his health and appearance enough. even though he is a handsome man! more handsome than me! they joke he is a 5’2 manlet but i am more of a manlet than him plus fatter and bald hahahaha. i used to look better but then i Hit The Wall around 27 hahahaha. of course i drank a lot and MW doesnt drink ever.

anyway.

in this ramzpaul vidya there are a bunch of anti-sinead comments and she herself blatantly states she is not in the alt right, she doesnt like it, the alt right is a bunch of merchant phaggots who love muslim roosh and hate white women hahahaha.  im not alt right, i am just trying to expose the merchants.

when she doesnt seem to realize that much of the “alt right” wants to expose the merchants too, and do not hate white women, and dont care for mudslim roosh, we just think flat earth is fooking retarded and nutty and really does make us look bad. and yet i am fascinated with sinead because she is a counter-merchant conservative and a kinda qt gurl, well many say she is ugly but she is hawt enough for me.

or maybe jsut because she reminds me of That Woman.

but every woman in her 20s with pale white skin and long dark hair who is not fat or not ugly or not stumpy reminds me of HER!!!!!!!!!!

well sinead might be 30 hahahaha but i heard hearsay she was 26.

but yeah she is too combative and oppositional to people who would be good allies. like TRS and rzp. i saw she just followed MW but she probably would call him a degenerate faggot too because he is neetish and had a bi phase.

and then common filth thinks “alt right” is degenerate because he thinks jack donovan is a degenerate, which he probably is. the mistake is in thinking we are all degenerate like jack donovan!

been really likig the TRS forum, they seem like a bunch of good goys. common filth should spend some time with them, then hed see that alt right is not too degenerate……but hes too busy scouring the internet for the most degenerate shit imaginable hrmmmmmmmmmmm.

so the point is it shows leftists for the disgusting degenerate filth they are. and CF is presented in a funny way. it doesnt seem AS nihilist as say Power Electronics, or god forbid, animal torture fetish videos.

so i was a weak unmanly faggot. so it was bad timing to get feelings. but im not a BAD GUY and i dont think she needed to treat me that badly even if women do hate weak men. i hate slutty women too, but if i was friends with a slutty woman and she got feelings for me, i would still be NICE to her when i rejected her.

although i probably wouldnt become friends with a slutty woman to begin with! because imho it signals greater moral weakness than a weak man just being a weakling.

really the best equivalent to a female slut would be a male deadbeat father: who creates life and then abandons it.  its total r selected, quantity over quality, low respect for human life, degenerate, rat monkey animal behavior.

the sensitive sissyboy who is scared to blurt out “I LIKE U” is not quite at the same point of degeneracy and immorality as the people Flippantly, Casually, CREATING AND DESTROYING HUMAN LIFE.

a lot different that being scared to say the words to someones face that you were kinda signalling to them anyway.

yeah i was weak. so fooking sue me.

what is the appropriate punishment for weakness or cowardice?

HARSH SCATHING BRUTAL PUNISHMENT?

I guess that will toughen you up though.

but i am not gettng tougher tho hahahaha. i wish i coulda been tough AT THAT MOMENT. and just been like fook you bitch youre not gonna do this to me, lets have our final showdown right now and say everything we want to say to each other, and mutually hate each other, and ignore each other at work.

but would i have been able to ignore her at work? prob NOT. she would be able to ignore and hate me, but i would still partially luv her, like i do now! and i wouldnt be able to ignore her! i would be looking at her constantly and noticing every person she talked to!!!!!

well i keep talking about sluts being immoral and degen……but she wasnt a slut! but i WAS weak!

well my POINT is, yeah my being weak kinda sucks, but her treatng me like that REALLLYLLLLLYYYYYY sucks. -1 vs a -20 or so.

i am also mad at myself for flipping out over it, getting all overly emotional like a damn young woman.

being more womanly than man.

not that you should inherently hate womanliness, but its not a good thing for a MAN to be, especially a man who has a desire to be with women, well then his womanliness will just push them away!

but still we had a friendship and a history and its just ridiculous it all went down like this.

and how the hell am i going to rebuild my life and find a woman i can actually get along with. i actually got along with her. and she was young and Pure. damn.

1225 crimbo hahahaha

i was just thinking, a gurl being a FLAT EARTHER would NOT be a dealbreaker for me as much as her being a HIGH NUMBER SLUT hahahahaha. i would say thats great cupcake go and study your flat earth. just dont leave me or stop luving me and abandon me hahahahahaha. and dont burn the coal hahahaha.

well see i think its worse to be a slut than to burn the coal ONCE. now its rare to just burn the coal ONCE. usually there is 99% overlap with being a slut.

you can guess who i have to make the damn exception for, my special snowflake who burned the coal once and was not a slut.

but being a slut has a pattern of behavior built right into it.

anyway it makes sense that men should have to work hard to show themselves worthy of a woman. it DOESNT make sense when a women GIVES IT AWAY to a lot of guys easily.

but basically i cant see myself being enough of a Real Man to pull a Decent Woman, ie one i am attracted to and with a good character. therefore, if i want to Pull women who are moderately attractive, they are gonna have to have a pretty bad character to give me what i deserve for my unmanliness hehehehe.

heh. i mean i should be lucky i even got to become friends with a nonugly nonslutty 25 year old woman!!!!!!!!

well i was happy about that. i just cant beleive that me being a weak omega merited her being as harsh to me as she was. be a little damn nicer to the person you knew for 2 years. its not like i CHEATED on you or BEAT you. damn.

i AGREE being a weak omega is BAD. but i slipped and cracked and snapped ok????? i wasnt ALWAYS like that with her. for a while i was fairly normal.

only one country separates norway from north korea. of course if you say only one country separates china from ukraine it doesnt sound as impressive hahahaha.

anyway i could deal with the mother of my children believing in a flat earth so long as she was not a slut, she was loyal to me, i luved her, she loved me.

i think the issue is, sinead is more bitchy and confrontational about people calling her out on this obviously ridiculous than she should be. it would be a lot better if she merely said she was skeptical that the earth was round and she wasnt such a damn bitch about it hahahahaha.

also is this the best way to bring women into the movement? not sure. i think a better way is just to have smart alpha fashy goy men who are successful in life, hide their true power level, and then gradually convince their wives on Red Pill Stuff. rather than try to have a Female Thought Leader talking about flat earth and conspiracies hahahaha.

i mean if i were with a woman i luved, like that woman, and she got into flat earth, that would not drive me away. i would just say thats nice honey, and hope it didnt become a problem. like shes gonna dump me for a more manly man who also believes in flat earth hahahaha. that would suck. well, now i am used to the worst case scenario actually ahppening. so with my luck, that would indeed happen.

macao is not a separate country, it is part of china. but like an autonomous region i think. maybe it might become independent someday.

heh. i say let sinead in. because i am a thirsty white knight beta hahahaha. BUT she SAID she didnt want to be in the alt right. the alt right is too weak, faggy, degenerate, j00ified, and beta leftist for her. well if shes not alt right what is she? she would probably say white nationalist or counter-semite hahahaha.

well i argue that alt right can cover those things. i think this is a narcissism of small differences thing.

or maybe sinead and i have very different definitions of the alt right. i admit it is a confusing term hahahaha.

i dont know why i am so obsessed with her. probably because she sorta looks like the woman i was/am in luv with, and she is pro white, and into traditional values. shares some important interests with me. and you dont get very many attractive 25 year old women who are outspokenly pro-white. its interesting.

well SUPPOSEDLY most white women prefer to date and mate with white men, even if they dont outspokenly say it. well i hope so hahaha.

and sinead is really just kooky and crazy by being Aggressively Pro Flat Earth and Aggressively insulting her racial allies.  basically saying you arent racist ENOUGH to people who are plenty racist hehehehe. to people who have no problem with heiling hitler and using all the best racial slurs and wanting a white homeland and being j-wise. they arent racist enough because they dont believe in flat earth. thats what leaves me CONFUSED.

but i dunno i think sinead could be good for doing womens stuff, or for being a surrogate waifu for lonely single white men. like building up their confidence that yes there is a marraigeable white woman out there for you.

or yes you can be a racist and find a nice traditional woman who might be nuts hahahaha but at least she is white and willing to have kids…..but might be a Coal Burner and is certifiably nuts.

really the Coal Burning is prob more important than the flat earth. i am willing to give her the benefit of the doubt that just because she has pictures of her with blacks, doesnt mean she FOOKED the blacks hahaha. hahahaha i mean EVERYBODY has PICTURES of themselves with diff races.

also i am a special case. 1 gurl i liked in like 2007-8 was a coalburning slut who i removed from muh history. just deleted. and then this gurl, that woman, i was in honest LUV with her, and she coalburned ONCE.

what IF she was so nonslutty she didnt even have SECS with him? i just assume she did because i’m used to sluts who have secs with EVERY man they hang out with, cuz its no big deal. but maybe they just made out and she was like no i want to date for a while before we have secs. kinda like my ideal woman hahahaha. kinda like i was always uncomfrotable having secs with gurls i just met becuase im not comfortable having secs with STRANGERS.

who the fook WOULD be.

but yeah. i mean. i dont really want a hooker because their lives are so sad. i would rather bang a degenerate slut because they are somewhat more normal.

anyway when we were younger we disrespected women because they were DUMB and blue pilled as fook. as i matured i realized, hey dont hold that against women. who cares if theyre dumb or blue pill, if they are NICE and PURE and VIRTUOUS. you dont go to women for intellectual conversation or for being COOL, you go to them for moral support and luv and kindness and tenderness.

like That Person was not super smart. she was smart ENOUGH, she was prob smarter than average womennnnnn maybe. i was definitely way smarter than her. and i kinda liked that and i think she kinda liked that and i liked it when she told me i was smart hahahahaha.

well shouldnt men provide emotional support for women and not the other way around? men are the protector and the rock and the stability for the emotionally unstable women? so if the man needs a WOMAN for moral support, thats like going to a merchant banker for free money hahahahaha.

well ok maybe women could talk about stuff like What Women Should Be, and Make It Cool to be Traditional and NOnslutty and Feminine. …… because women are more likely to listen to other women than men? even if we are counting on men to influence their wives politically and mentally?

well i think it wouldnt HURT to have women speaking to women. if a woman doesnt have a traditional bf or father, then a traditional woman could school them on how its cool to Be Pure and how Secs is Sacred. because women sure arent getting that from THEIR single momz. single momz are not just bad for boys, they are bad for girls too.

Cuz then you get gurls with Daddy Issues. because their single mom was a crazy whore, so the poor girl thinks that is normal.

so the Tradcon or Alt Right or Pro White Womens Groups could be very helpful to girls like this.

and also give hope to boys that Not All Women are evil succubi sluts. better to have a real woman as a waifu than some anime bullshit.

and the women could talk abotu relationships and luv and monogamy and feelings and basically all the shit i talk about!

how to relship, how to treat each other nicely, how to dump a person, how to communicate.

how to not give it up to guys you dont really know. how to keep your lifetime number under 5. how to appreciate secs for procreation FIRST, recreation a DISTANT second. why abortion is bad. why open relationships and polyamory are bullshit. what love is. how to Empathize with Beta and Omega guys who come off as Creepy or Thirsty.  How To Be Loyal and Loving to your man. How to look to the long term and not dump a decent guy immediately, how not to lose interest so quickly, how to not be mastered by vag tingles and hamster rationalizations hahahaha.

basically teach traditional, natural gender roles and make it look fun and cool. it really shouldnt be that hard. it should come naturally. but people are so easily led astray its very disappointing. maybe they can just as easily be led back to the good path. give them a good culture with traditional mother and father.

anyway the fascists say that if youve been watching pron for years its gonna take a few months cold turkey before your brain goes back to “normal”, a state you may not even remember. it feels like its been a few months for me. and i understood pron has been degenerate, for years, and tried to minimize its use during the last few years. also i think i was using it to try to get my mind of THAT PERSON.

anyway i am OBSESSED with women but i dont really hate women like some obvious women haters. its really more like a LOVE HATE relationship hahahahahahahaha.

alls im saying. really hurts and is disorienting to lose somebody like this. i still dont really understand it any better. i just seem to accept it and the pain isnt so goddamn FRESH. but it still lingers and its truly horrible what happened. it hurts to lose a friend like that. and to be so goddamn misunderstood when youre just begging them to LISTEN, i didnt do anything WRONG, PLEASE.

like when your gf is mad at you and gives you that exasperated look and youre like oh god i dont even know what i DID. and then thats the end and she dumps you hahahahahaha. she has permanently lost interest and luv for you. she is DONE with you. its over.

i dunno. i never lost interest for someone that fast. or easily. im still interested in her ffs.

dunno. she really DID used to like me as a person. and its shocking she could get so over that, that she could throw me away like she never knew me. sheeeeeit. well thank god for being white hahahahaha.

point is, and im mansplaining feeeeelings to women agian, when someone you LOVE throws you away harshly, its VERY painful, it leaves you DEVASTATED, and it takes a VERY LONG TIME to heal from it.