dec 11

ok i wanna establish a timeline of muh political racial alt right journey in case i meet up with any real life people, and i SHOULD, that should be muh new years resolution.

in 2008 i was a shitlib and voted for obongo. in 2012 i was much better and voted for mitt. i know in 2012 i was also listening to william luther pierce speeches and writing a blog that sort of positioned me as a WN “ally”, like hmmm this is scary, but also interesting, and maybe not as scary as I think. I think i was linking to stormfront and definitely stuff like counter currents and mindweapons. this was in 2012, 13 at the latest.

oh yeah. in late 2012, i got rejected by woman 2012, and i said, welp, i’m gonna go ALL IN on this racist stuff. i was holding back because i didnt want to seem Weird To Women, but now, i’ve not nothing to lose. I distinctly remember climbing the stairs 3 a time in muh old workplace saying “superior huhwhyte body, superior huhwhyte mind, crush the k1k3s, huhwhyte huhwharrior” as kind of a mantra in late 2012 to encourage me as i suffered thru the loss of woman2012.

so yeah i guess 2012 was when i became “alt right” hahahaha.

but i thought, lets look at my amazon history and the books i bought, thats a pretty good indicator.

2010 – started using amazon. yeah a bit late i know. late 2010. 2 books only: “atomised” by houellebecq, and “the evolution of desire” by david buss. (evo psych.) not a bad start!

2011 – myth of male power by warren farrell, women theory and practice by bernard chapin, more houellebecq – platform and whatever. (platform was prob muh fav, decent writer here.)  breaking bad thrid season. escape from gangsta island by chapin.  some crimmus presents including a book for woman2012 hahahaha. stuff for family. day bang by roosh v, because i wanted to use day game to seduce a nice Day Woman like woman 2012. sorcery and religion by varg vikernes. season 1 of big bang theory. i cant believe i ever liked that show.

2012 – going january to dec here on all these. life at the bottom by dalrymple, heard of him from chapin, i know MW was a big fan as well. another warren farrell book i never fully read. righteous indignation by breitbart. war against boys by christina hoff sommers. you can see i was still big on mra/mgtow stuff, which i will not apologize for, it was necessary for muh development, and these people arent WRONG. also sommers or farrell arent woman shunning mgtows!!!! flipside of feminism by venker and schlafly, got autographed edition and i think phyllis schlafly went on to pass away soon after. america alone by mark steyn. i was listening to rush limbaugh radio and really liked when mark steyn hosted. he still is a great guy, so charismatic. radical son by david (((horowitz))). another chapin recommendation. interested there because horowitz went from communist to rightist. but def not alt rightist, hehehe.

liberty and tyranny by mark (((levin))). listening to some levin radio as well. never read the book. the long march by roger kimball, another chapin rec. didn’t fully read it but i didnt donate it either. freedom twenty five by frost. a kind of self improvement book by a decent PUA/Game writer, who was smart enough to potentially move beyond Game and Hedonism. not sure if he did. decent book actually. 4 hour workweek by tim ferriss, hahahahahaha.

here we go: confessions of a reluctant hater by grindr greggy johnson. i think i bought it from matt parrott’s bookstore, RIP. october 2012. muh first legit WN “alt right” book. interesting, at that time i was gettign rejected by woman2012, hehehe. good book by greg, i dont really hate greg, im just bantzing. greg is GREAT.

suicide of a superpower by pat buchanan. great book. then a bunch of christmas gifts for people.

2013 AMAZON PURCHASES, jan to dec

CULTURE OF CRITIQUE by stefan molyneux hahahahaha in may 2013. yep that was a good move. i never finished it but want to hahaha. c# for dummies, some c# and and internet app security books.  racism schmacism by james edwards of the conservative cesspool. political cesspool sorry. christmas gifts. was gonna start my new shitty job and was getting a lot clsoer with That Woman this year. amazon slowed down.


texas holdem for dummies hahaha. the unschooling handbook by griffith. how to talk to anyone by lowndes. one sheaf one vine by griffin. he wrote the pierce biography and there are chapters in the sheaf book on mindweapon and alex linder. this was in august 2014 when mindweapon was getting doxxed and slandered. fookin antiwhite pigs.

dumbing us down by john taylor gatto in sept 2014. i think i was starting to feel the need to Have Heirs, because I was thinking about how to best educate children.

dispossessed majority by wilmot robertson. an old school pro white classic.

thus spoke zarathustra by freddy n because why the hell didnt i have this book. still havent read it tho hahahaha.

death of the west by pat buchanan. great book.

bunch of christmas gifts including a very nice one for That Woman. damn.

the shy man syndrome by gilmartin. was concerned clearly about how things were not going so well with That Woman at the end of the year. remember i got feelies around october and wanted to talk to her….but she was avoiding hanging out with me. the last we really HUNG OUT was in sept 2014. this book is the incel bible by the world’s leading incel phd hehehehe. it paints such a bleak picture that i had to stop reading it. good book though. just dont read it until you have a huhwhyte huhwhyfu.


king of the hill season 6. watching KOTH was one of my only pleasures in life at this time with the shitty job and That Woman refusing to hang out with me. (but she still responded to my texts nicely and said we would hang out soon.) a book to help me with muh shitty job. by march 2015 i was obsessed with studying in off work hours and became totally consumed and crazy. cleveland show season 2 dvd. another decent show. the bias against guns by john lott in may 2015. i was laid off and a shitlib swpl acquaintance got into a big tirade on how guns are evil and need to be controlled, severely limited, and i wasnt confident enough to argue against him, but i knew he was wrong hahaha. judas priest live vengeance 82. CLASSIC show.

sept 2015 getting past your breakup by susan elliott. hehehehehe. yep that happened.

customer service training 101 by evenson. i felt i was losing all my customer service skills and was trying to mentaly prepare for tuff situations. i lost ALL my confidence to deal with tough customer situations. felt so weak. still do actually.


a guide to customer service skills for the service desk professional by donna knapp. a customer service book for tech support help desk people. pretty good book, should have got this when i started that job. funny i only read it after i QUIT.

a RAM chip to upgrade muh computer. good call. some clothes with a gift card.

the dialectical behavior therapy skills workbook by mckay et al. hmm just bought this. not a bad book.

man going his own way by bernard chapin in dec 2016. not alt right, probably MGTOWish judging by dat title, but I wanted to support uncle bern for xmas hehehe.

a book related to the field of muh new JOB. I wanted to buy some relevant books RIGHT AWAY. still waiting on that one too.

wow thats all folks.

TLDR: I bought my first officially alt right, pro white book in october 2012, but was sowing the seeds well before that. if game and mra and mgtow can be considered sowing the seeds.

well, in 2012, they kind of WERE! and when i say “game”, i mean deeper thinkers like heartiste and houellebecq. and in 2012, mgtow seemed like a damn good idea!

i was reading heartiste even when i was a shitlib, just because i was so obsessed with women and why they were so ridiculous, and why i couldn’t even pull skanky promiscuous sluts who would fook ANYBODY EXCEPT ME! so heartiste/roissy and chapin got me started on muh journey. and those dirty sluts who wouldnt bang me or even hang out with me.

come on, youre a KNOWN slut, youre SUPPOSED to be EASY!!!! hahahaha. arent you mad at the patriarchy that oppresses you? dont you even know about any of this, YOU IGNORANT SLUT?

and then, THANK GOD, i came to realize “the patriarchy” was bullshit.

hehehe anyway when you buy babbys first copy of CULTURE OF CRITIQUE, thats usually a good sign ahahahaha. as i recall, i had known about it LONG before i finally bought it, such that i felt I was buying it LATE, in may 2013.

so thats muh cred hahahaha.


might as well toss this one in here, while i am keeping On Top of New albums. i have known about wardruna for years, ever since like 2011 when i started investigating gorgoroth, and then gayhl, which brought me to wardruna, which is not super gay, and also features kvitravn who was a decent drummer for gorgoroth, and they are doing full nordic larpagan stuff here, but it doesnt sound ridiculously larpy, which makes me wonder if they feel some kind of connection deep in their nordic blood, which would be great. just speculating here.

anyway. pretty chill and beautiful neovolkisch stuff from people who have srs metal background. and they just came out with a new album, here it is.

yep shaving with the old fashioned single blade safety razor is great, a pleasure, a privilege, a nice smooth shave……..but it takes a damn long time. you cant do it quickly. which is its number one con by far. if you try to go fast you will prob butcher your face and you will still take a long time anyway.

in other words, it may take too long to shave this way BEFORE you go to your job. unless you get up super early. i’ve just been using the electric razor so i can get an OK shave and not cut my damn face and do it pretty fast.

wow big snowstorm here, prob gonna be a bad winter, cuz last winter was so GOOD and light on snow and cold. which means this winter is gonna be fookloads of snow and ridic low temperatures.

just waiting around to go back outside, clear moar snow, then go to bed hehehe and get up at 5 am and maybe clear more snow again hahahaha.

have i uploaded this picture yet? it is very educational:


i found it on MPC, and somebody bantzed PMan saying he was the third guy under Beta Negative, hahaha.

but yeah my audience is clearly delta negative and below. i identify most with omega positive. for sure.

also it neglects to mention that beta males CAN get women. they are just always at risk of losing these women to alphas.

those thuggish negros who women leave you for and who end up cheating on or dumping the women you luved? these deadbeat thugs would be alpha negative. the badbois. all the women see is the alpha part. they cant tell good from bad, alpha positive from alpha negative hahaha.

great concept here hahahaha


”  neveragoodtime 30 points 1 year ago
For you white knights on the fence, this isn’t an issue of men who are intimidated by a strong woman’s past sexual exploits. That if she tells you those days are over and she doesn’t do those things anymore and he was a jerk anyway and she loves you for you and sex isn’t that important anyway, she must be telling you the truth now. You’re not being compared to what she had in her past, you’re being compared to what she couldn’t have. She never had the alpha, she just f00ked him, and therefore thinks she could have had him, but obviously she didn’t lock him down. It’s not that you can’t compete with her exes, you can’t meet her expectations, and she will always be less happy in your relationship. ”


glad to see this page has been already archived twice hahahaha


another good page, only not linkin directly because i just dont want to leave a pingback. but i do support rollo tomassi i suppose insofar as this article and his view on game, women, the red pill, etc

and then of course i think of that woman. she will prob be an alpha widow. well her major BF, i knew him, and i got along with him, i didnt have any big problems with him, i wanted him and her to work things out, but he just wasnt feeling it. was he a true alpha? he was pretty damn handsome. but he was autistic as fook, and prone to despair, drinking, and being an antisocial grumpy asshole apparently, with no friends, who just wanted to sit around and use the internet. describing him he sounds like a neet virgin. but he was handsome and he had kind of a hardass confidence i guess. wasn’t scared of gurls. but he was absolutely not a normie. kinda wish i had gotten the chance to get to know him better.

the short term bf was prob an alpha negative. so she’ll prob be hung up on HIM.

went outside and cleared snow THREE times today and it was STILL coming down. total snowfall of 7 to 12 inches hehehe. thats a lot for us before the new year. its prob gonna be a bad winter. gonna get up even earlier tomorrow (4.40 am) to blow some more snow. THANK GOD we have a snow blower. many people do not.

tried to do a new job task while i was at home today, basically logging into a system and making a report The Boss wants. but i can’t figure out how to make the report for all people, only one by one. it seem TOTALLY STUPID that the system would not give you a SQL-like way to make the query, and FORCE you to pick only ONE person/record at a time. there HAS to be a better way…..but i just don’t know it. i just wanted to show some initiative.

wore the new $20 walmart winter boots. they were great. kept feet dry and warm. even if they fall apart halfway through the winter they will be worth it.

but yeah i liked That Woman because she didnt seem like the Cynical, Nihilistic, Desouled, Corrupted, Ruined, Destroyed, completely Infantile Modern Woman that all the Game and “Red Pill” blogs talk about. She seemed like a Decent Woman. and she probably was and is. she just got scared and ran away when there was something she couldnt handle. SIMPLE. NOT ROCKET SCIENCE here. dont need a smart guy like ROISSY or rollo tomassi to explain it to me.

dec 12

normie wagies need to still put in a grueling day of slavery. the lucky ones can hope they get a slow day. the unlucky ones will actually be BUSIER due to the bad weather. or it will have no impact because they are just getting phone calls from all over the nation and or world, not just their immediate area.

this goy is having a tough time, gets dumped harshly by the love of his life, she blames him directly, refuses to talk further, now he is stuck in a Self Blame Spiral! I posted on there to try to reassure him. she’s dumping him for ying about his age. now this is her right, and it’s not great to lie about your age…..but i totally sympathized. especially since i totally understand why you would lie about your age. i have thought about lying about my age. oh yeah i only just turned 30, therefore it’s a lot less weird that i have no relship experience and barely any secsual experience, hahahahahaha.  that as a 30+ year old man i have signif less relship and secs experience than a 20 year old gurl!

but 20 year old gurls are huge sluts who have way TOO MUCH secs experience.

besides women are the supply men are the demand, so it’s not really weird that women have Relship Experience starting right at…..age 18 onward. that they aren’t Single much, in other words. just DONT rack up a high number while you are busy not being single. keep it with a low number of guys. LTR’s.

maybe that woman’s first major bf wasn’t an alpha positive, but he was an alpha negative because he was grumpy and unhappy and stubborn and used to have a drinking problem and was content with mediocrity in his job until she encouraged him to get a higher paying (but still really shitty and stressful!) job. she stayed with him, started dating him, even when he was making like minimum wage. so she saw something in his cocky badboy personality, and also he was handsome.

and he wasnt SO alpha that he got bored with her and dumped her and cheated on her. well it sounded like he got bored with her, but he didnt cheat or dump. he just stayed with her and drank and got grumpy and distant. a true alpha would have just dumped her or cheated.

so does this make him more moral than an alpha? but an alpha can be moral too, if he dumps and doesn’t cheat. theres nothing immoral about DUMPING.

so i think he was somewhat lazy, or had a tendency to get stuck in ruts. i know that feel! except my ruts never involved being in a traditional monog rel with a nice, sweet, pretty, young woman! even when he was in a rut, he was alpha enough to pull that off.  also he was Her First, so that i think was very relevant to her staying with him and not giving up on him, when he had clearly given up on her.

so who’s she gonna be the Alpha Widow for, is my question. this guy or the short term guy who came after, who blatantly Did Her Wrong? probably that guy, because he was more alpha, AND he did her wrong. it’s hard to get over that. makes you want to be mean and break some poor omegas heart as the revenge you aren’t allowed to get on the bad alpha hahahaha.

in fact the first BF kinda seemed like a Beta Negative, but I guess he was handsome and confident enough, albeit unpleasant, and she was young and “inexperienced” and innocent and loving enough, to not give up on him, and to give him MORE than a good faith effort, that i wish she had given 10% of to ME. and not in a relship way, but just in a just friends, try to do the right thing, good karma sort of way.

had to make a post on that one. yeah him lying about his age is legit a dealbreaker, but i think he had good intent and didnt deserve that punishment.

QUOTE here’s my effortpost to him:  ”  Darn man, that is just horrible. IMHO it is very insensitive of her to essentially say “It’s all your fault, you caused this,” then shut down, then throw you away like a piece of garbage. I think the much kinder, gentler, mature thing, is to say some variation of “it’s not you, it’s me,” when you are ending a relationship that the other person doesn’t want to end, and you know that person is going to be hurt. Try to be as gentle as you can on them with something you know is going to hurt them, not say “this is all your fault” AND then shut down and refuse to discuss it further. That sounds really rotten to me, and IMHO a person who would do that to you is not someone you would want in your life. How would you treat someone if you wanted to dump them and you knew they still wanted to be with you?

How hard is it for the dumper to make some kind of good faith effort to be kind (yet firm) in dumping? Does she know this is adding insult to injury? I had a similar situation and I just blamed myself for many months, thought that I had done something horribly wrong, that I was a horrible person, maybe I was a horrible abuser to make somebody get rid of me like this.

Yeah it’s not great to lie about your age, and yes people do have the right to make a one-sided decision to end a relationship whenever they want, but I think that with that right comes the responsibility to be decent to the person you are dumping. Maybe she is trying to “punish” you for lying to her? Possibly she doesn’t even know why she’s doing what she’s doing, and is too immature to see how much it’s hurting you.

You are right, it’s impossible to find other things which can perfectly substitute for the unique joys of a close relationship. But the pitcher example given above is pretty good. It’s important to distract yourself with hobbies, work, exercise, and not replay this over in your mind too much, or blame yourself. But it’s also important to grieve what is indeed a very big loss for you.

I would also recommend going No Contact. Or maybe directly telling her she could have been a little more tactful and considerate when dumping you, would she like it if somebody dumped her like that? (Maybe she was dumped like that in the past, and this is her “paying it back”?)

Yeah lying can destroy trust, and I’m sure you’ve already learned your lesson about not lying about your age in the future. Were there other lies? It’s her right to not want to forgive your lie, but still I don’t think it warrants the “punishment” you’re getting.

Would she be willing to go to a relationship counselor with you? I hate to say it, but it doesn’t sound like she’s WILLING to do much of anything to meet you halfway here. Minimal/No Contact might be for the best here. Sorry she couldn’t be more of an adult with you.

How long were you together? I think you said 5 months? Is that the entire length of time you knew her? I don’t mean to minimize your pain, but it’s hard to fully know a person in 5 months. Maybe she was starting to show her “true colors”, that is, someone who’s not willing to make the effort to be committed to you and handle conflict maturely.

There’s no way to make this easier, just try not to blame yourself too much and get through 1 hour at a time! Feel free to post any updates.  ”


went for 1 mile powerwalk in neighborhood afternoon after YUGE winter storm, 10 inches of snow. workplace was closed down. wanted to see what the neighborhood looked like in the light. really not bad. city did a good job of plowing roads. most people cleared their driveways and even sidewalks. but muh new shiny winter boots enabled me to trudge through snow and keep feet warm and dry. and even through wet cold SLUSH as well.

so that is really good. since i never had good winter boots before, that was always my somewhat valid excuse for not doing powerwalks in the winter. so now i can get a bracing 20 minute powerwalk in. sometimes it will be too cold to do longer. that is ok. but 20 minutes should be doable even in 10 degree weather. and it is a balmy 30 degrees right now. and these arent even GOOD winter boots, but the cheapest boots i could find at WALMART.

ate a TINY  chocolate coated donut, it was like 80 calories. this was not a large or even a medium or probably even a small donut, but a very small, mini, bite size MINI donut.

its not eating fried meat that makes the sp1c n1gz too fat to walk, its Sweet Treats like donuts and chips and stuff. cakes, donuts, cinnabons. these are the absolute worst things.

not sure how great yandex is, but i just made an email there because andrew anglin mentioned the name, and i wanted something slightly permanent to go along with my second disqus account which pretty much gives away my location when i upvote Real Talk comments in the local paper hehehehe that i did not want linked with my larger Alt Right personality, like ooh look, this guy who upvotes trs also upvotes racist comments in the podunk times. that must be where he lives.

info on the yandex co

selling muh info to the skype cabal who controls russia hahahaha

Arkady Volozh the founder and ceo is a JOO welp i shouldnt be so suprirsed.

i like that they have a background of the huge “the motherland calls” statue in volgograd. but this is where the dirty reds beat back the glorious NSDAP hehehehe. the russians are the bad guys hehehe. well theres good russians and bad russians. good russian bad russian hehehehe. you can guess that that bad russians arent really “RUSSIANS” at all. ((((RUSSIANS)))) hehehehe. PURGE THE BERGS & STEINS!!!!!

man. all the new people coming into TRS are way better goys than me. masters degrees in petroleum engineering, 20 year old young men with 3.9 GPA in mechanical engineering or math. military service. social skills from selling shit. manly non bitch hands from working in machine shops. knows how to fix shit. with people like this coming in, i should get banned just for being a loser hahaha. giving money to TRS is not enough. especially when i dont give a LOT hahahaha.

yeah well if they ban me i will stop giving hahaha. i dont think they would really BAN me for being a loser. i mean i am slowly moving away from that loserness. probably not fast enough for their liking……but they dont need to know those details.

it just sucks to find a group of people you like and respect, then worry about them rejecting you because youre not good enough for them. and when you compare yourself with them, well shit yeah, they have accomplished a lot more than you and they ARE a lot cooler than you!

yeah well they havent rejected me yet hehehe. no need WORRYING about it.

dec 13

went in to job. was very slow and easy. saw a half black half white woman about 25 years old who made me consider race treason. she had a masters degree and was a Young Professional. She appeared Significantly Younger than me. she clearly had her life and career in order! she was pretty darn attractive. good in shape body. BMI 20 or so hahaha. light mocha skin. green or gray eyes, NOT dark brown black eyes hahahaha. i think she was a Halfroon rather than a Light Skinned Black. I felt bad she didnt have a real race to call her own. I wondered about her racial identity. But she clearly had a masters degree and a decent career. all by the age of 25 and was very attractive. would TOTALLY bang. would NOT have chirren with.

got paperback physical book of “man going his own way” by UNCLE BERN. it is a large book but thin, like a coloring book hahaha. very nice cover art. he uses a lot of foul language he does not use on his videos. i do not mind at all hahahaha. i honestly think he just never found the right woman. maybe a combination of standards too high and just have bad luck. maybe he was too Laissez Faire when he should have been Dominant. but he IS dominant in his own way! i guess not in the way that women like though. unlucky! i know his first (and only) wife was BATSHIT crazy. i think he talks about these juicy details in the book. stories of his youth, college, etc, that he doesnt really share in his videos. LISTEN TO THE EAGLE! BUY THE BOOK!

i would like for him to get racially woke and or red pilled on the JQ and become more fascist and 14 words, obviously, but i dont think he ever will. unless maybe he were to join TRS and really listen to the goys there….. i guess it depends on how serious he is about having children. at 46, 47 years old, he may have RESIGNED himself to no children.

anyway i will never stop muh $1 a month dnation to uncle bern because he was big in getting me to where I am today. I might even increase that hehehe.

came home at 2:45 pm or so and immediately took benedryl to prepare self for an early bedtime at liek 8 or 9. i guess ideally i should do that on sunday afternoon. the trick is not to take it too late so you are not groggy the next day at 5 am hahahha.






yeah its all stupid. i am just angry that it will be near impossble to find a young qt woman who is less of a slut. i mean she was only with 2 guys ever!!!!!!!! that is so attractive hahahahaha. most girls her age have been with 10+ guys!

but whats better, a nonslut who shows you no love or loyalty, or a slut who does? tis better to be luved by a woman whos been with 30 guys, thant to be completely thrown away by a woman whos had only 2 hahahaha.

i dunno i just dont like sluts hahaha.

chekcing out this site called which seems to be good

tfw you eat 1200 calories for breakfast hahahahahaha

well my goal was to burn 1000 calories on the fatclub and i did that.

did not see any women there that looked like HER.

i saw a woman in the parking lot and my first thought was, oh that looks like her, but it totally was not.

saw a guy i worked with at That Job. i avoided him. weird that he sees HER every day. maybe he has fooked her hahahaha and would tell me, damn why would you lose your mind over that crazy bitch slut hahahaha i totally blew her ass out! she is a filthy whore who gives up her ass so easily now!

but i am ambivalent about the guy. we had a few friendly chats but he increasingly became an annoying dickhead. might make him successful with the ladies but it seemed more annoying than charming. but he does drive a motorcycle, btiches like that hahaha.  well hes white and has 1 or 2 kids so thats good…..dont think hes with the mother. because she is a bitch? or because he is an annoying prick? why couldnt they figure it out? whose FAULT was the breakup? why couldnt they stay together for the kids?

he is also a SCIENCE!!! leftist atheist libertarian type. o god. be as degenerate and antiwhite as you want, just dont tread on me hahaha. shit he might even be anti guns, but dont quote me. most basic bitch white people in my area, from Cuckservatives to Labor Union Democrats, are pro gun, which is good. guns are good hahahaha.

do women have ANY AGENCY?

some say they dont. i hope to god that they do. cuz if they dont, then you only have yourself to blame, becuase they are like infants who cant be held responsible. baby with a gun hahaha.

heh. if she just said “BE MORE OF A MAN” i probably would have made an honest effort to do just that hahaha.

but they never TELL you what they want. they just send SIGNALS and if you dont read them correctly, they DUMP you hahahaha.

i suppose i might have a better understanding of all this if i ever dumped somebody.

well i CAN tell you that i would be NICER when i did it!

but i mean maybe its not as ridic as i said. like when you dump someone, its because the other person cant do anything really. you couldnt tell them, just be more manly, just be more loyal to me, cuz IT WOULDNT MATTER. you just dont love them, you dont WANT to be with them at all, even if they did change for you.

but yeah if theres no real luv from them to you, you could jump through hoops changing for them, and they’d always find something new to hold onver your head. like ehhhh not manly enough. ok now not successful enough. ehhh but id really like it if you had a motorcycle. ehhh but i wish you made more money. ehhhh but i wish your Lats were bigger. ok now i want you to dress this way. why wont you get a tattoo. that pro white tattoo is so stupid why dont you erase that and get this kewl tribal african design lol. omg i cant take it any more there is so much wrong with you im done i cant even. see its a SLIPPERY SLOPE!!!!!! always trying to APPEASE someone.

so i wouldnt MAKE anyone appease me. i would see that appeasement doesnt WORK, and sit them down and say listen this has to end.

well she realized appeasement didnt work but was too cowardly to sit me down. just wanted me to figure it out from signals.

like shit. getting feelings is not the crime of the century. not like i was torturing animals. it just happened! sorry i started LIKING you, jeez.

on the scale of absolute objective morality, its about a -1 hahahaha whereas throwing someone away that you knew for 3 years who is begging you to respond, is at least a -10 or -20.

bbbbbut nnnnnnotice me sempai.

i just wanted to be noticed by her hahahaha.

yyyyyyyou too

so she wasnt slippery sloping me to change this and change that, it was more like leave me alone, and i thought it was a COOLING OFF PERIOD.

i gave her as much of a cooling off period as i could. but she didnt really give me anything for that, such as a Good COnversation.


also i would think a cooling off period lasts no more than a week. not montsh and months, to avoid and hopefully never have an important conversation!!!!

i said i couldnt do that forever, told her we had to communicate more. she said nothing.

i mean yeah shes like a frightened deer who runs away from everything.

ive been rejected by decent nonslut women before, but never this harshly! ive never been rejected this harshly ever before even by indecent sluts!

so yeah when a decent good person rejects you harshly, you really think you did something really wrong!

i wish she had just explained to me that i didnt do anything really WRONG!

getting feelings for someone is not WRONG but i think she thought it was, that i was betraying her. i wasnt.

OR she was just upset at my COWARDICE in not telling her directly.

i dunno tho!!!! i wouldnt get upset at somebody for that! i would say yep ive been there, it takes a lot of courage.

BUT i was giving signals anyway, and she prob WAS picking up on the signals tho!!!!!

yes, im honestly pretty sure of that, she was picking up the signals, and PROBABLY thought, oh god, hes getting feelings for me, this sucks, i hope i can ignore it and he will stop.

and she was furious that i didnt stop. but i couldnt stop because muh feelings didnt stop. they didnt just go away. so we had to DEAL with them. and you cant do that by yourself. you have to engage the borg hahahaha. it takes the person who has feelngs, AND the person they have feelings for, to have a mature grown up conversation or Emails abotu it.

shit write emails thats fine. you can get nervous and flustered in person. writing emails in peace and quiet without them GLARING at you and HATING you is probably even BETTER!

its just so hard finding a decent woman, and then when you do, she rejects you in such a brutal way that you think its all your damn fault, but it probably is more her fault than yours, but since you are a self loathing omega loser, its real hard for your to reach that conclsuion hahahaha.

shes a decent person but she has NO IDEA how to reject people or deal with difficult situations.

i had no control over whether i LIKED her or not. she had TOTAL control over Agreeing to Meet and Talk and Respond to me.

well shes mad i was HIDING it.

but i WASNT hiding it! i was singaling like a madman and trying to get her to meet to talk about it, whihc she didnt want to do!

and ill never know if she was more angry about me liking her, or me being Omega.


more mad than they should be hahahaha.

how omega was i? maybe i was just beta?


well i think i was a high delta at least. i was submissive and weak but i aspired to change the status quo. weakly hahaha.

anyway i think some women have agency. they can GET WHAT THEY WANT.

she could have molded me whatever way she wanted. but she didnt even want to MOLD me. she didnt even WANT to FIX me. hahahaha. i was unfixable hahahaha.

but IF i had been more DOMINANT, then would she have WANTED to fix me? like the other guys?

she preferred DOMINANT men. ALL women prefer DOMINANT men.  and i have NEVER been dominant. therefore i have ALWAYS failed with women. sometimes in absoultely devastating manner.

i dunno. what happened here was confusing and weird and i have no frame of reference for it, and i am afraid of learning the wrong lessons from it, like: it was ALL MY FAULT;

or, she would have liked me if i were more dominant (variation of all my fault; also, i deserved it, etc)

all women would do this

when the more reasonable lesson to learn is, yeah, it would have been better if i had been more courageous and dominant, BUT she still acted way out of line. WHO DOES THIS?

its not that weird to fall in luv with your female friend and get a little cowardly. nobody would say that is the crime of the century.

it is much more monstrous to throw the person away like a piece of garbage.

anyone can agree on that objective truth.

lefty swpl phaggot writes smartypants article no one will ever read for inconsequrntial lefty website, that he probably either wrote for free, or got less than 5 bucks for, yet he has a shitty degree from a halfway decent skool hahahahaha.

basically we now have SMART, YOUNG people in the Movement, to make it COOL and FUN, and this is huge. has never happened before. shifting the overton window hahahaha. before it was a bunch of old alcoholic losers doing nothing, failed white men who could not get good jobs or wives or have children hahahaha. of course me personally i am more like that, but i much prefer the Optimistic Tone and youthful vigour of TRS.

also hanging around with young guys makes you more likely to meet younger girls hahahahaha

virgin male who became obsessed with bjork and got mad she was dating a guy (race mixing with electronic artist goldie, i kinda like bjork, but she shouldna done that!) and lopez originally wanted to send her a bomb with hiv infected needles to explode on her and give her aids, and lopez had a huge inferiority complex because he had giant male breasts and could never get a gf, so he was obsessed with that, then became obsessed with celebrities. finally he sent bjork an acid bomb and K’ed himself on camera. today i learned hahahaha.

i could have depressive personality disorder. also avoidant personality disorder.

i bet SHE has avoidant personality disorder to. she avoids everything. she is more avoidant than me! so when you get two avoidant people together……it does not end well hahahaha.

i dunno i was trying to get better abotu my avoidance,  i was trying or at least wanting to NOT avoid it. she wanted to avoid it entirely. and she got what she wanted hahaha.

i wanted to confront it, she wanted ot avoid it.

bjork. why the hell do i like bjork. because she’s white, icelandic, i really liked the gling glo album, really liked dancer in the dark…….but thats about it. i was reading about matthew barneys new movie “rivers of fundament” which is a 6 hour experimental art film with scenes of degenerate shitting assholes and pregnant lesbian sex hahahaha. gee i wonder who could be behind this. hahahaha. i used to think barney was kewl for being uncompromising and arrogant, and now im like, yep all modern art is degenerate as fook, into the trash it goes, and bjork is into that art scene, i bet they made the perfect couple. then i learned that they ended their rel. hehehe. she race mixed with goldie BEFORE she went out with barney, a strapping white goy from idaho, who went to YALE and possibly even played FOOTBALL……but he was into ART. and got more into NYC art scene after yale. oh boy. and of course bjork was into ART as well.

((((ART)))) hahahahaha.

when i was young i enjoyed the pretentiousness and arrogance and (((transgressiveness))) and got along well with some artists in college hehehehe. but this kind of bullshit has NO PLACE in the REAL WORLD. art is degen and “pozzed”. good people should shun and shame it. i am done with art. unless it is like old school classic shit with no degen.

i wish all my old friends well, who got into ART. they are good people but would likely try to convince me how art isnt bad…..because art is what they have built their lives around. yikes.


classic dilemma, whats better, a degenerate who treats you nicely, or a good person who treats you badly?

well you are supposed to avoid degenerates right? dont hang out with losers!!!!

but what if you ARE a loser!

but you dont have ot be a loser to be a degen! two diff things!

also i have never known someone that was SO DEGEN that i considered them hopeless. they all started out as good people but maybe they lost their way by being drowned in a degen culture.

people that are bad people, i always avoid them as a rule!

i know shes not a bad person. shit shes a good person. a very good person. thats why i got so into her. but becuase she is also avoidant, and i luv her, she is able to hurt me GREATLY by avoiding me, by ending the rel thru avoiding.

fook. might as well go back to fatclub.  using myfitnesspal i dont really need to go. you dont need to exercise at ALL to lose weight. you just have to not eat hahahaha. but i LOVEEEEEE to eat. and you do not need to eat ridiculously lots to gain weight!!!!!!




the problem with her cutting me off like this is not ONLY does it feel she is not treating ME like a human being……

it ALSO makes me less able to see HER as a human being. more of a monster. more of that Monstrous Stereotype Woman Yes All Women Woman, All Women Are Like That Woman. and i can attribute all sorts of things. like she treated me like scum BECAUSE of Alpha Omega Game / Career Mating Market Matrix.

I guess its very important that that matrix did not factor into her decision with me. even though I like and agree with that matrix. but i just felt that because she KNEW me, she could treat me more as an individual and that Our Case would be Special.

its one thing when you just fook each other for a few months and it does work out, ie all my past pseudo relationshits.

its another thing when you know each other over a few YEARS and respect each other and dont naturally drift apart.

anyway yeah it dehumanizes HER as well as ME.

listened to some davis mj aurini. his youtube is less Stark and more Funny than his writing. this is attribute to talking generally being better than writing, period. i would be talking to you right now if i were not cowardly!

“the most decadent sluts since the fall of rome”

dat title pulled me right in.

anyway in that one he basically said that sex is sacred and special and trying to separate sex from love, and giving sex away for such a low price, is a race to the bottom, and sluts ruin it for everyone, and that a broken heart is very very painful. so i agreed 100000% hahahahahaha.

anyway when she throws me away like this i can make up all those horrible theories like she was one of the All Women, who rejected me because i was a loser at Game and Career. well its true isnt it?

but she seemed to have respect for me during our friendship even though she knew perfectly well at that time that i was a loser at game and career, and she didnt seem to care, she accepted me for who i was, i didnt have to pretend, i could just be myself.

but yeah basically by me changing the game, i change the rules of the game too, and when i want to Court Her Romantically Love Secs, then there is a whole new way of reckoning Respect.

i guess that is hard to deal with. i didnt really have a different way of reckoning respect regarding her.

“womens sexual liberation” hehehehehe

yeah he looks like a virgin and kinda has that atheist fedora niceguy pedestal white knight mlady virgin creepiness about him, i was judging the book by its cover, and that put me off of listening to him for the longest time. and his voice takes some getting used to. he sounds really smug and arrogant and kind of annoying and kind of gay hahahaha.  but thats just the way he talks. or the image he intentionally cultivates with his gothic look or whatever and always smoking cigarettes and drinking scotch or something. i can understand wanting to be rebellious but whatever. somebody new to listen to.

yeah heartbreak is horrible. she went from being one of my favorite people to being my least favorite. she went from being a decent human being who treated me like human being, to a monster who treated me like garbage. and it happened overnight.

we were both heading towards our breaking points, in my case being in horrible love wiht her, in her case just cutting all ties and being done with me completely and forever.

we both hit the breakign points at pretty much the same time.

i just think she is being unfair in hating me so much. what did i do that was so wrong? i got feelings for her? i did not Respect Boundaries? yeah i guess. this shit is so fooking stupid. what do you do when someone doesnt want to talk to you though? you cut THEM loose. of course i could not do that because i was emotionally compromised by muh eternal unconditional luv for her.

its HARD to just cut somebody loose when you luv them, and they dont want to talk to you.

well i dont doubt that i will do things better in the future, will have learned my lesson; but i DO doubt i will meet another female friend i could get feelings for, in the future! i mean i am getting super old and she was already 8 years younger than me!

ok. how about this. when one person wants to just walk away from a 2 year relationship, and the other person wants to talk about, we might not be able to fix it but lets at least communicate, you OWE IT TO THEM to talk to them, to communicate with them, to give your feelings and listen to their feelings, unless they are Physically or Emotionally Abusing you.

now i was emotionally annoying her, because i was pushing her to talk, but i was not ABUSING her. her Silent Treatment and Avoidance was more Emotionally ABUSIVE!!!

to the point that i VOIDED everything when i got feelings: theres no RULE that you VOID everything. [i am trying to TALK BACK to my Constant, Automatic NEgative Nihilistic Discouraging Thoughts. Verbal Judo hahahaha]. every situation is gonna be different. if there IS any RULE, its that the two people need to TALK to each other to figure out what happens to the relationship now that one person has feelings.

i just cant blame it on her being a decadent modern woman. theres nothing i can blame it on other than maybe she has Personal Psych Issues which I dont really know about, although its nothing related to Type 2 Personality Disorders, Narcissism, Borderline, Hysterical, well what she did was kinda sociopathic but she wasnt a sociopath, i dunno. she was Just Done.

so maybe she feels bad, but she’s just too Done to apologize, so i have to Reach out to her if i want an apology? well i want an apology, but what i REALLY want is to get with her.

and if she really wanted to GET with me, well she would have. she would have made the leap because there was something in it for her. there was nothing in it for her if she didnt have feels.

so its safe to say she doesnt want to date me in other words.

so i am not gonna reach out for an apology! cuz what i really want is to be with her.

so she hates me? because…..i was pushy and made her feel uncomfortable? because she thought i was HIDING something from her? i was going crazy because i didnt WANT to hide it from her! I was knocking at the door but she wouldnt open it.

yeah i did things poorly, i should have just Confessed in an Email at least 50% earlier than i did. not after 10 months but after 5 months.

shit. 3 months. 3 months is good for everything.

EXCEPT FOR getting over a heartbreak. that prob takes more like 6 months.

and also having secs. that should be at LEAST 6 months of dating and really getting to know and trust someone.

the role of sex is to bond men and women together in long term monogamous rels, to make them fall in love with each other.

did i mention i finally made that phone call i have been dreading for weeks. it went as well as i could have hoped. the person knew immediately what i was talking about and was like yep theres an error there, they shouldnt be charging you that, well get it fixed, sorry about that. took 2 minutes. and i said thank you very much.

because i am so used to me being confused all the time, and people in my office passing the buck and doing runaround not because they were lazy, but because they were confused and couldnt  get help from our superiors fast or reliably enough.  got flustered because we didnt know what we were doing, asked for help, got SHITTY help, STILL didnt know what to tell the person, couldnt transfer them to someone who actually UNDERSTOOD the situation, and then took the “easy way out” of saying uhhhhhhh we cant fix that or you need to talk to so and so.

one of my least favourite aspects of the job.

but yeah she was a much bigger part of my life than i was of her life. so it hurts me much more.

technically she didnt hurt me…….but kinda yes she did. she cant help if she doesnt like me, but she CAN help how she responds/reacts to the situation. someone always gets hurt in a rejection, but the rejector can help MINIMIZE that pain, and i believe they SHOULD, that thats the morally right thing to do.

heh. i am obsessed basically with convincing myself that i am not the bad guy, because i am not certain that i didnt do something horrible, and i deserve this treatment!

well i can conclude that i in fact do NOTTTTTTTT deserve this treatment. i didnt DESERVE to live happily ever after, but i did deserve to be Let Down Easier.

i dont know WHY thats so important to me. because i believe it could have reduced the INTENSE pain i have been suffering for a damn long time, AND because i want to believe that i’m not wrong for wanting communication.

im not wrong for wanting communication, but i went about askign for it in a bad way. next time i will know better.

honestly i had never been in this position before. falling in luv wiht a female friend. after knowing them for a DAMN long time.

i was a huge pussy about telling the previous woman i had feelings for her too. cuz we worked together too. hahaha jobs are the only way i meet women. i didnt want it to endanger our job. so i waiting 9000000 years until she left the job first, then pulled the trigger, got rejected of course, still managed to do the easy job, then met woman2015 at the same easy job, didnt have feelings for HER, but became friends, and she got us both jobs at the new place, which was horrible, but paid way more, and i quit THAT job because the rejection was too much to take!

very IRONIC dont u think hahahah.

well, the LORD was trying to tell me that i either needed to end this job, or end this CHARADE of a rel. i guess He just wanted me to end both and quit deluding myself hahahaha. but oh GOD the pain. maybe he could help me with the pain though.

but i have gotten a lot better about Brisk Jogging.

well only 6 miles today and not 9 hahaha but i blame the nyquil hangover lol.

i budgeted 16 hours but it wasnt enough. next time budget like 18 hours hahahaha.

start drinking nyquil from the moment you get up in the morning hahahaha

actually some indica budz would be just as good but the shame and stigma hahahaha.

ironic that muh female fren was my only source for that hahahaha. yeah i am glad i got rid of the stuff i had left over from her.

she was nice enough to ask if i wanted anything when she went, i thought that mean she still had respect for me as a human being.

being in luv with her was a nice little break from being a huge loser at life; and now i am an EVEN BIGGER loser, without that job. that horrible horrible job.

and that horrible lie of a “friendship” hahahaha. and now she remembers it the same way hahaha.

well i wasnt trying to LIE to her! i was trying to tell her the truth and it was becoming an elephant in the room, it was OBVIOUS to both of us that something needed to be talked about!!!!!!!!!!!

so i dont see it as a lie. a lie is them asking you is everything all right, is there something you wanna tell me? and you say no.

not please i have something to tell you and nope no dont want to hear it.

but i didnt SAY i have something to tell you. i said pleaeeeeeesseeeee can i hang out wiht you. over and over again. then pleeeease i feel im losing u and i dont want to lose u. then please our friendship is hurting, lets communicate abotu it more. then im sorry again to be weird to u then the silent treatment began and that was it.

SURE i was OVERBEARING. thats another great word for what i was. overbearing. but i was overbearing BECAUSE the issue was not getting resolved. and i could only resolve the issue with HER cooperation. which she was totally unwilling to give.

and was therefore the most disappointing end to 10 months of disappointment, which altogether was a horribly disappointing end to one of the best rels with a woman i ever had in muh whole life. the end.

of COURSE i am going to be heartbroken! for a long time!

way more than 2 months! we are at the 2 month anniversary of the Freeze Out BTW.

i just wished we could have talked. or communicated. that is all. is that too much to want? is that unreasonable? i dont think so.

but does me asking for that talking in The Wrong Way, in a eyr Overbearing way, make me the bad guy? i mean its not super smooth, but i dont think asking for a good thing in an overbearing way makes me the bad guy!

but i still am angry at her because i dont think it would have been THAT hard or painful for her to say OK WHAT DO YOU WANT ALREADY UGHHHHH

MUCH less painful than what im going thru now. although she did not intend to cause me this much pain, she could have stopped a decent amount of pain, and i really wish she had.



so i did not RESPECT  BOUNDARIES. ok fine i admit that. so im the bad guy and its 100% blame for me.

hehehehe when you are concerned about ASSIGNING BLAME that is not a good thing. that is something The Bad Guy Does.

so how do i Respect Boundaries better in the future?

If someone doesnt want to hang out, then i stop asking them to hang out and just Peacefully Calmly Accept that they want Out Of The Relationship, and I calmly say “Well OK Then. I wont get upset even though I desperately want the relationship to continue.”

hahahaha. then i ask why am i so desperate about wanting to continue a one sided rel?

because i am in love with them, and also they are giving me mixed signals, like they just want a month or two of time, not out of the rel forever.

the MIXED SIGNALS cannot be overstated here hahahaha. she was alternatingly cold and nice. so yeah i can place blame on her, for giving me FALSE HOPE in giving me such mixed signals.

so i could have written an email.

well, i DID write an email in email1 which was hedging my bets a bit, in that i did not confess Romantic Love, but i Confessed great Concern and a plea to Please Commnicate and REpair Our Rel and become close once again.

She told me she read that but did not respond to the actual substance at all. very typical of her. Say something important to her and she says OK, but does not really respond to what youre saying. does not say “yes i agree with what you said, i would like to commuincate better” OR “no you are too pushy i dont want to communicate, the time for communication is over, this rel is over.”

this is the problem when you communicate over short messages. they can just say OK and not respond to the important stuff. also an inperson talk would also make such Dodging the Issue impossible too.

but yeah in the future i will be more direct in the email.

i will say in email1 please respond to this one. respond to the things i have said here.

i will confess muh feelings in an email several months earlier, when it is clear tension is building.

i would say “i am pushing you to hang out only because We Need To Talk, i have something important to talk to you about that affects our Relationship.” not just hanging out To Hang Out and chit chat about small talk. but Big Talk.

i would be much more direct about talking about Her Feelings towards other men;

her feelings towards ME;

and my feelings towards her.

I would say, yeah im just not sure if i like you yet! but 50 50 chance that i COULD in 3 months or so. lemme tell you the story of how i fell in love with a female frend and it was so shitty!

actually if i made a new female friend, that story would probably come out fairly early, but i would be happy to repeat it and refresh the persons memory hahahaha.

Dr Phil agrees with me. he says be a gracious winner and have Good Karma and be more compassionate and forgiving and realize when someone is begging for mercy, and try a little tenderness hahahaha.

dont just take an inventory of me and eerything ive done wrong, take an inventory of yourself and how you have shut me out in the cold!

i am just watching dr phil right now like a huge loser and repeating everything he is asaying. a mother has Boundary ISsues with her Son and his wife, and they are feuding, and mother says she is getting better and changing, and the son/wife say no she isnt, and in some cases its Just Words. the son/wife say this is just words, but dr phil is actually saying hey wait it might not be just words, cut her a little slack.

anyway i remember having a similar “conversation” with the woman, aka a 2 minute chat, where i said “i will not bug you any more and that is not just words, i will prove with my actions” and she said something like “I HOPE SO” which implied that she thought i was 100% to blame.

she was not acknowledging any need to communicate in other words!

she was saying we never need to communicate and if you dont accept that, youre the bad guy.

well i think thats bullshit, when the rel is in trouble, you NEED to COMMUNICATE. shit you need to communicate when the rel is NOT in trouble.

trust, respect, and communication hahahahaha. TRC.

so yeah that was disappointing, that she was essentially saying, we dont need to communicate, i dont want to communicate, why should we communicate, OBVIOUSLY we dont need to talk about anything.

well i should have said at that point, in february approx, that yeah i will stop bugging you, but get it through your god damn thick skull that i dont want to HANG OUT with you, i want to sit down and have a heart to heart TALK with you, We Need To Talk, the sooner the better, we need to communicate about something important, cant you SEE that? and said so lets do this over the phone or email. i would prefer to meet in person because its ONE OF THOSE kinds of talks. but obviously thats not gonna happen.

so i was the bad guy for wanting to commuincate. but she didnt realize that i wanted to communicate. she thought i just wanted to Bug Her to Hang Out. because i didn’t come right out and directly said, i want to COMMUNICATE, i only want to hang out because i want to talk about something where talkingabout it in person would be best.

so im the bad guy for not saying that. it was impossible to make her understand anything. everything was like god damn PULLING TEETH.

anyway the second she said I HOPE SO you will stop trying to hang out with me, i should have written email1 then. im not just trying to hang out with you, i am trying to TALK to you, and you are trying to AVOID this by any means necessary.

well she obviously doesnt WANT to TALK then! and that was proven. she never did want to talk. and then it was fooking OVER.

yeah well i dont have to be happy about the way she handled that. and i think it would have been less fooking STUPID and ridiculous, if we had just had god damn talked about it. how does that make me the bad guy.

well it makes you the bad guy if you keep PUSHING them to talk when theyve made it CLEAR they dont WANT to talk.

so you just say OK and walk away.

well mother fooker it was really HARD for me to walk away on a relationship that was important to me! i didnt want to just walk away on An Important Rel with No Talking! yeah i guess it really IS about CLOSURE!

human beings PREFER CLOSURE!!!! of course you dont always get it.

so couldnt she say, gee I WANT closure when stuff ends, so why dont i do the right thing and give HIM some closure.


you dont end a relationship with NO communication.

and we had known each other for long enough that it WAS a kind of relationship. i realize women have all sorts of stupid contradictory rules about what consitutes a relationship. like, if youve only had Just Sex a bunch of times and then you lose interests before 2? or 3? months, then its not a relationship and you get to Bail with No Communication at the FIRST sign of Awkwardness.

or, its not a relationship if youve been friends for 2 years but you’ve never Had Secs. Its all about SEX with these dumb broads hahahaha. sex sex sex sex hahahaha. i blame our oversexed, hypersexualized culture.

no dummies, everything is not all about sex. it is about communicating and getting to know a person and sharing your Feelings about each other.

just look at how women and gurls DANCE, Dancing for them means shaking their ass and grinding their genitals. acting like a Stripper Whore. not on my watch! not my daughter!

so if some bitch gives you shit because it makes you creepy that you can be in LOVE with somebody and have your HEART BROKEN even though youve never had SEX, explain, “listen cupcake. love is not the same thing as sex, love is something deeper, and because i have values, i prefer to use sex as an expression of love, not some kind of Casual Brutality you do without even knowing or trusting somebody. Anyway, back on track. :: snapping fingers :: damn you women have the attention span of a fly! anyway, what im trying to tell you is, when you know somebody over the course of two years, the love can build slowly, and after a long time, it finally reaches That Point. Love is built on Knowing, Trust, and Communication, not Sex. And it is a Harsh ending to pull the plug on that Love with no communication. you get no closure. you’ve had your heart broken right? youve had no closure right? well so have I, and it damn hurts, for a damn long time. you know know how that feels.  and I am going through the same thing you did. EMPATHIZE.”

i know i had another chat with her in like march. sometimes before or after my shift i would write a paragraph to her in the chat program, this was how i got my communication fix.  and i KNOW i said something to her like “i hate to keep bugging you to hang out, but what im really concerned about is Losing You.”  i know i said that. that is not the best phrasing but it gets the point across pretty clearly. i feel like i am losing you.  actually it was probably the clearest way i could sledgehammer the point to a thick skulled person with the communication skills of a 3 year old.

i said i am skurred i am losing you. in like march. i am sorry to bug you to hang out but i feel our relationship is hurting and i dont want to lose you. period. i said this in like march. she could have responded to that direct statement but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. she just ignored and avoided it and we continued having small talk. but never talking abotu that big stuff.

i expressed my concern about Losing Her and Losing Our Relationship. She did nothing to Allay my fears or respond to those concerns. in fact she reassured me that we would hang out when things were better. we would hang out some day in the future. next month. and then next month comes and bla bla bla.

anyway when you want to communicate and the other person refused to communicate, the rel is OVER.

hehhehehe davis mj aurini i have always respected (though i do not want senpai to n-n-n-notice me hahahah), great article, and while i am unemployable i may well dig into his youtube channel and listen to his stuff while i do my powerwalkjogs, but here is a great blog article he wrote with soe great “cartesian” graphs and “payoff matrices” of man and woman rels.

quote: ”

Have a good career but no game? You get to marry an alpha widow with two children, who’s liable to cheat on you in the future. Have game but no career? Welcome to the life of a Player: women will flock to you, but they won’t stick around, since they probably earn more than you. Have neither game nor a career? Enjoy euphoria, senpai.

But when you have both – a successful career, and you’re chock-full of game – then you just might be able to pull off a real marriage.

One problem, though: all of those destructive influences I mentioned above? They shift the point of “Alpha Marriage” further and further into the North East. Thanks to Affirmative Action and the declining economy, the sort of career that will impress a woman hovers close to the six-figures range; less than that, and your Toyota Camry fails to impress. As for Game, you’re competing with the sexual revolution and unlimited choice: you can’t, simultaneously, be sexier than her college professor and the lead singer of her favourite band and Christian Grey – they all have you beat in one way or another.

” end quote

but yeah pretty tuff times for the omega no career no game not young loser!

so basically she just flung me off contemptuously and disgustedly like a Decadent American Whore would discard an Omega Male, which of course i am.

and i brought this upon myself because i changed the game, i made it abotu Man Woman. so once we go into THAT arena, she stops viewing me as a human being or friend, and insofar as being a Potential Lover, i am BENEATH CONTEMPT!, so therefore it makes sense for her to discard me like that, because thats what women do to men who are way, way, way beneath them. they dont feel empathy or even sympathy or pity. they feel DISGUST and CONTEMPT.  i was no longer a human being to her because i DARED to have feelings for her. and in the Love Market, my value is Less Than A Vermin!!!!!

weird. i GUESS it makes sense considering How Women Are, but as the Omega Male, I am entitled to not be happy about it! but to treat an omega male like VERMIN WHILE you reject them, thats ADDING INSULT TO INJURY!!!! why would you do that? because thats how women operate in the mating marker. sex, luv, mating, relships.

they cant simply say sorry not attracted to you. you offend them deeply by having feelings for them, IF you are a filthy omega male.

sure, if a woman likes YOU and you dont reciprocate, you feel a little bad and say Sorry Sorry Sorry, you treat them llike a HUMAN BEING in other words.

The way women’s Sexuality works, they simply are INCAPABLE of doing this when rejecting men!

and that hurts real bad when you are the omega loser getting rejected!

anyway so you have to struggle and struggle and struggle alone in an intense nietzschean will to power before you can pull a quality woman for a long term rel (“faint hearts do not win fair ladies”) but once you get them, you might ask, where the hell were you when i REALLY NEEDED YOU? to paraphrase aurini’s remark in the article above.

wouldnt this cause the omega male to get enraged and hurt the rejector? possibly. or maybe most omega males would be like moi and just get horribly depressed for months and years rather than get “Revenge” on the woman. some do, but only a minority, and not enough to influence The Course Of Evolution over Thousands Of Years.

well, other Stupid Women have rejected me better, like given me a conversation at least, and TRIED to Let Me Down Easily, or write me an Email saying Sorry But I Dont Like you.

why do i even CARE so much?

well because i was in Luv, i had a lot invested, right or wrong, and i wanted some damn closure when the carpet was yanked out from under me.

sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit. if she were a dirty whore i would have known and then treated her accordingly. probably treated her as medium term fook meat, and certainly never gotten to know or respect her!

come on. she could have done a LITTLE better, even if she’s nothing but a WOMAN whos SUPPOSED to treat omega losers with total disrespect. shittier women treated me better.

but maybe thats because i was younger then and less of a loser? so they COULD treat me like a human being more?

because back then i had youth, and my station in life IMPLIED that i might be a Career Success some day?

shit im RUMINATING again. better do a 3.0 miler!

yeah she could have treated me better. i deserved to be treated better. being A Woman and This is What Women Do is no damn excuse when you fooking KNOW each other. that is…..paternalistic, patronizing, treating them like a child. but she ACTED like a child! oh well. NO I wont give her a PASS to act like a stupid selfish child just because shes a WOMAN! we HAVE to hold women to a higher standard than this!

but i dont DESERVE a womans respect because i am an omega male.

but i already HAD her respect when i was her PLatonic Friend!

so i VOIDED all that respect when i said nope dont wanna be platonic friends any more, i have feelings.

its a whole different standard of respect at that point.

but respect is nonsexual, and nonromantic right? so the respect shouldnt change. respect is just based on being a human being. so if you get respect as a friend, that respect shouldnt change if your feelings change???

shouldnt, but it DOES.

ok time to get out there obviously. hahahah i thought i was getting BETTER!!!!! maybe i am just having a bad day. maybe its the nyquil hangover.  maybe reading the davis aurini article made me feel smart but also very sad hahahaha maybe i should be careful about listening to his youtubes then oy vey. cant enjoy anything.

so i vow to never cause this sort of pain by always treating people like human beings. treat people like you want to be treated. like a human being. golden rule bitches.



i CANT APOLOGIZE ANY MORE. i have apologized literally the max a human can apologize. i apologized literally every time i talked to her and emailed her. she’s not “waiting for an apology.” if anything IM waiting for an apology from HER! what, me apologize for apologizing too much? I think i already DID that too!

its like i’m hanging on to the edge of a crumbling cliff and she’s standing right there. she can easily grab my hand which is reaching out to her, please save me, but she just watches the rocks crumble away and me eventually fall to my doom.

or i am drowning and she is standing right there on the boat with tons of life preservers. i am screaming please halp meeeee and she can easily throw one out but she chooses not to , and to WATCH ME DROWN instead.

these are veyr good metaphors / images for what happened.

and I should be apologizing? i dont think so! She should be apologizing for letting me drown!

of course i was thinking, well i should contact her AGAIN, because she is just apprehensive or lazy or doesnt have the courage, and she is just waiting for me to contact her again, she’s ready now.

well if she were READY she would contact ME!!!!!!!!

also when people are in the WRONG, they very often DOUBLE DOWN and never come to their senses! and remain convinced for the rest of their lives that they were right. this is very very common. i might be doing it to convince myself that i am right and she is wrong hahahaha

also it is very very common for people to AVOID shit. thats ALL this is basically is her totally AVOIDING a situation entirely. avoid avoid avoid.

and can i make her not avoid, by popping up every so often?

she obviously doesnt want a Rel with me. she was Detaching from me for a long time. that was HER signal. she said, o god, he likes me, no thank you, i am done with this, but i am too cowardly to tell him and talk to him about it.

yeah i just didnt think she was THAT cowardly though, i thought she was strong.

and yeah it hurts to have someone care about you, then they start withdrawing that care.

at least when someone DIES, you know they cared about you to the living end!

but she gradually made herself stop caring about me ever since she Discerned that I Liked Her!

and i certainly didnt start making myself try to stop caring about her! until recently!

good good let the hate flow thru u hahahaha

fookin bitches hahahaha

never put them ON A PEDESTAL and think oh they wouldnt do that, or they’re different, not all women are like that, shes different, she has morals, she has integrity, i can trust her, she cares about doing the right thing, she treats her relationships seriously, shes emotionally mature, bla bla bla bullshit.

men like to communicate directly, with words and conversations and emails and speaking and talking and writing, to eliminate ambiguity and confusion, to get everybody on the same page, make sure everybody understands.

women like to “communicate” using bullshit ambiguous signals, so that everybody is confused, and will intensely avoid/ignore any attempts to make it less confusing or less ambiguous. they want everybody to be confused, and not be on the same page, and hate each other forever. anything that involves words or writing or talking or anything VERBAL, they will avoid like the PLAGUE.

men verbal, women nonverbal. all the damn time.

and men have to learn the nonverbal language, but women never have to learn the verbal language because…………

women are the choosers. women have a uterus. women can get pregnant. even though many of them dont realize this.

and i am technically not butthurt about them being the choosers, or that men have to do all the Heavy Lifting and jumping through hoops.

except some men dont jump through hoops at all. Alpha Men are essentially Choosers of Women!

so, women use their power as Choosers of Men, to choose tons of Casual Sex, WITHOUT respecting and understanding the Power Of Pregnancy which gives them the POWER to be Choosers!

Yep thats about the strength of it. its like a BABY with a GUN.

Great Power with great IGNORANCE of the great responsibility attached!!!!

dumb bitches hahahaha.

also i can be nonverbal enough, i have learned THEIR language well enough, and sort of accept begrudgingly that they will never learn Mine, even though any smart person would agree that Direct Verbal communication is Better for the Greater Good of Humanity!!!! but women would rather everyone hate each other forever because of confusion and miscommunication, because DRAMA IS EXCITING!!!!!! and EXCITEMENT is the greatest thing in life.


thats why men generally prefer warm, loving, loyal, true, good dogs…..

…….and women generally prefer disloyal, cold, bitchy, traitorous, unloving, untrustworthy, horrible, evil, sociopath cats.

woman hating much?

trust me when women get rejected by a MAN, they become MUCH more man hating.

but thats only because they dont get rejected by men as much!

ummmm ok.

well my womanhate is not remarkably above average for men who were dumped in godawfully harsh ways like cheating or Ghosting hahahaha.

it can ONLY benefit you to bang a woman, any woman, as soon as possible.

shit i should have tried to bang her even when she was with her old longterm boifran, back when i was not into her. should have just forced myself to be into her. hint, its not that hard to FORCE yourself when the gurl is young and not fat and has no kids. even if there are little things about her that you initially find weird. like or her face is weird and her Buttocks are weird.

when when you are Deep In It, you will no longer find her Face or Buttocks so damn weird!!!!!!!!! you will say DAAAAAAMN how could i ever find those things weird? she is HAWT as FOOK!!!!!!

a kind of pedestal i guess.

i was thinking it might ALWAYS be to your benefit that if a woman asks you about your love life, say you are “dating a few people but nothing serious” and smirk like a man who gets secs from a variety of wimmin whenever he wants, but cant find someone who meets his standards well enough to commit to monogamously.

of course it would be to your benefit!

unless you come across that one remaining traditional woman unicorn who thinks men dating several women is distasteful, just like women dating several women is distasteful!

and then shrug say oh well just having fun hey its not like Im the one who can get preggers!

and then say well if they get preggers, just get a god dam abortion bitch! hahaha its not like we live in iran! roe vs wade bitch! merika! muh rightz will not be abridged! wimminz right 2 chooze! wimmin r da choozerz!

not my problem! just a parasite that can be easily dealt with!

but maybe i should man up and contact her simply saying you are being ridiculous, stop being ridiculous and lets just hang out and make up already.

and then she will say ok i was waiting for you to MAN UP and say that and BE A MAN. that was my SHIT TEST.

also i might be “getting better” because i am not reading those fooking EMAILS every day over and over like i used to. the emails 1 thru 4 that i wrote her. i havent looked at  a one of them in weeks. so i guess that is a good sign.

i just cant believe she could do this to me.

why not. its just AVOIDANCE and avoidance is SO common because its the easy way out. I avoid and procrastinate and ignore shit ALL THE TIME. so do tons of people. and here she is avoiding me.

i mean i could send a brief thing “hi there just seein how ur doin ”

and see if that gets any response.

“wanna go to dinner get caught up”

that kind of thing.

well of COURSE i would have an ulterior motive to get her back!

i tried this in 2004/5 with woman2. (woman2004).

she kind of ignored me and i was real butthurt about that cuz we were actually fooking at the time and then she just disappeared, real sketchy. i was RIGHTFULLY angry about being ignored. i said fook her im not talking to that bitch ever again, i heard gossip she had been seen with other guys, she was the type with 900000 male friends, never trustworthy!

then 3 months later i thought i would Reach Out because it still felt like Unfinished Business, and i wanted a Fair Shake.


I did get in touch with her, we started hanging out and making out again, i certainly could have banged her but i didnt, like an idiot. i certainly should have!

but by this time she was distanced from me, liked me less than before, and had even less interest in dating me, and opened “dated” other guys during that time and showed no interest in dating me, we would just make out and cuddle and she would have let me bang her if i were masculine enough!

so yeah she basically had LESS interest and feelings for me than before.

MY feelings were rekindled, her feelings were not really anything. less than before.

so then there was NEW pain, to get my hopes up; and also see that she was less interested than before. why couldnt i make her interested again?  because i wasnt masculine enough? i was 22 years old and had no experience with women, she was it.

so i could see a similar thing happening here. me get back in contact with woman2015, “chill hanging out”, i would get my hopes up without a doubt, and she would be cool as a cucumber the whole time, saying yeah im dating a couple guys, nothing serious, just secs, i can always get an abortion if i need, but im not gonna ever want to date you, i have even less feelings for you than i do for these random guys i met a few weeks/months ago.

so yeah that would be ripping an old wound open, making it fresh again, and pouring salt on it.

when you see someone who USED to like you, and then they are just cold as shit to you. that is VERY painful. women dont understand this hahahahaha. cold evil sociopath bitches. hahahaha.

better to be ANGRY and hateful and other-loathing, rather than sad and self-loathing!

also i am generally finding it easier to get out of bed, go powerwalking, than i did near the beginning, so that must be a good sign.

i just wish i were losing more weight with all this powerwalkjogging. i am losing no weight and doing a TON of powerwalkjogging.

tons of input, no output.

it just sucks that somebody i used to be so close to, that i used to trust, that i liked, that used to at least like me on some level, can now hate me, and hurt me so much, and i didnt even DO anything horribly wrong.

welcome to the real world hahahaha.

besides she was pulling away and being cold for months. the 180 was really more just an 18 or so. i just didnt want to see it.

i mean i can understand not having FEELINGS in return for me. but she definitely used to Like Me as a Friend, and i expected that because of that, that if it needed to end, it would end a lot better.

i was TRYING to make in end better, in my typically masculine way of direct communication, lets be verbal about it so we minimize the hurt feelings.

but nooooooooo.

well i was “being masculine” in a very unmasculine way, always supplicating and apologizing. bad call.

ok placed 15th out of like 57 people in this tournament and got nothing but shitty hands, i think i won one small pot. certainly had no good chance to “double up.”

but yeah. i will be the better person because I will never hurt someone else like she has hurt me!

way to abandon me bitch!

it really hurts and is painful to be abandoned like that.

ok out of the stupid freeroll tournament, time for first 2.8 miler of the day hahaha.


dec 11 2014

i repeat, most people are smart enough to do most jobs. the average mud skinned amerifat with an average iq of 90 is smart enough to be a hardcore engineer, a rocket scientist. it’s more a matter of persitence and hard work and never giving up, and energy, and work ethic. patience, stick to itiveness, disclipline, maturity, normalfagness, general mental health and stability. responsibility.

and then also normalfag social skills are HUGE for winning jobs and friends and mates, passing interviews, and getting along in the workplace.

gilmartin sez that most firings (have i already said this? probbably) are not due to technical f00kups, but because the person is socially awkward and not a team player, and weird, kissless, virgin, loveshy, r9k, neet, autist, virgin.

have pictures of yourself wearing a SUIT and looking like a Professional, Highly Paid Executive, then use this picture for your linkedin and fagbook.

if you live in an area with snow, go into debt to buy a f00king snowblower. i don’t usually advise going into debt, but for this you should. don’t go into debt for college, but def do for a snowblower. or a suit. or probably a car. but not a house.

that or just get such a stressful and busy job, that you don’t have the time or the appetite to eat.

yeah so theres no real jobs for my passion in life, helping loser males become winners. closest thing would be: counselor, social worker, shrink, pick up artist coach, life coach.  dont wanna get a masterz degree, so probably being an entrepreneur opening up my own pickup skool would be the best. or unlicensed life coaching skool. or unlicensed shrink business hehe.

dec 13 2014 sat tom off 712pm

yes. that is my mission in life. my porpoise. to start that business to help losers become winners. which is also the mission of this blog. basically to get decent upper working class jobs they can survive on, and to have their FIRST choice of wimmin, rather than have to settle for a distant second, when you wish you could be with someone else. then it’s way better to be alone.

like when you hear a beautiful song, what gurl does that make you think of? that’s your first choice.

i guess ideally it would cause you to think of NO gurl, but just say damn so and so writes some beautiful songs, ideally women COULD make you feel like that, but they can’t, and if they do, they reject you.

anyway all you need to not be a sad loser, and be a happy winner, is to have an upper working class job with health care, and a woman that you truly luv. that’s it. well a good family helps. so these are the main goalz i want to help u achieve.

i think nature and nurture are both 50 50. there is a normal bell curve of the population, where the vast majority of the people are bell curved around that 50 50 mark.

meaning: nurture and nature are equally important. fact.

and some people, you cannot overcome their nature with a ton of nurture. and vice versa.

and also we need to respect real, natural group differences.

meaning blacks don’t necessarily HAVE to become criminal thugs. but also, black police should police black communities, and, most important, black fathers need to be very active in the lives of their black sons, because the current black fatherless matriarchy produces very thuggish, violent young black men, and skanky black women having broods of black chirren with those thuggish black men, repeating the cycle of poverty hehehe.

I TOLD YOU I am a racist!

bottom line is, black families NEED fathers. might even need them more than white families. well, white families need them too. ALL families NEED fathers.

now sometimes you need practice women, to bang women you aren’t really in luv with, so you can comfrotbale and not nervous around women, and this will give you the confidence and masculinity needed to pull the women you really DO want.

i have been rejected by more would-be suitors than you have accepted, wh0re!

heh. i would prob be less mad if she just texted me with “no sorry maybe some other time.” but no text whatsoever. maybe this is a sh1t test, hahaha.

of COURSE the best thing to do is just let it be.

meanwhile i will live out my lifes mission of helping losers like us become winners with decent jobs and with VERY decent women.

70 30

nov 6 2014. thursday. day off. 11 am. listening to iron maiden. killers album. clive burr is NOT a bad drummer whatsoever. paul dianno sounds great.

i think i like nicko’s drum SOUND better, but clive’s playing style is not too dissimilar from nicko’s either. don’t hate on clive!

drinking coffee.

trying not be be a pathetic beta sending woman9 too many texts. i gotta rein it back in.

should i play some poker? or will the only people playing poker at 11 am be total SHARKS? probably. so i guess weekends would be the time to play so you can take the money from the drunk FISH and newbies.

fine, i don’t like to lose money gambling hahaha.

drinking coffee, tyring to wake up, got some errands and chores to do, doing laundry now.

killers, then right into number of the beast. clive burr and bruce dickinson. i never really listened to this full album other than the hit singles like hallowed be thy name (maybe the first maiden song i really liked).

fook it, playing that one right now.

again i don’t normally love this “compressed” drum sound, but here it’s not a huge deal and it certainly won’t keep me from rocking out!

ok at breakfast, took shower, waiting for laundry to dry, put away laundry, ideally make quick mix cd with 80% iron maiden, go do my thursday shopping, gas, gifts

ok quickly making 100% iron maiden disc, highest demand songs.

sh1t son.

under real time crunch, really can’t “RELAX” today, so unforutnaltey you get sh1tty posts that are just like, here’s the same ol routine i’m gonna do on thursday. fook. this is what being a full time worker is like.

job sucks less as you get used to it and get better at it. still stressful but stress is manageable because you actually know how to do stuff.

so really even though it sucks and takes up lots of time, it is better than being an unemployed lozer parasite. because now i have the right to complain and whinge about sh1t.

i didn’t do anythign special to get this job, yet it was still like 9 years in the making. my friend said hey this company is hiring and we could probably get in because i know this guy. i had the worlds easiest 5 minute interview and then i was hired, and making more money than average for people my age in my area who didn’t get useful degree or any degree. and people who get get good jobs with their useful degrees and begin to enter upper upper working class or god forbid lower middle class, will remove themselves from my region to go be with all the other middle class marxist zionist rothschild f4ggots.

song of the day

caught somewhere in time by you know who. i have just listened to this song three times in a row. instant classic.

bought a small plastic bpa free bottle at the store so i could bring some whole milk with me erry day to work. great idea.

bought some throwback mt dew with real sugar.

did NOT buy any gobstobbers with the HFCS. my goal is to stay away from HFCS. not that that “real sugar” is not GMO monsanto rothschild poison anyway!!!!

ok gotta go for 3.2 mile, 66 minute powerwalk before it gets dark at 5.19pm. just went cray cray on settlers online. hog wild.

want to go to bed early, still a little tired. felt like i got a lot done today thank GOD.

later. took 33 min powerwalk, it was raining, not heavily but enough to cut it down fron 66 minute pwalk.

playing a little micro stakes poker now.

so how do you court a woman you are interested in anyway?

simple. easy. the same way men have always traditionally done it. take the gurl out to dinner, pay for the dinner, be charming and masculine, take her out to movie, pay for the movie. buy enough things for her, and then she bl0wz u, hahahaha. but yeah. you paying for her basically shows that you are interested in her, as does your charming masculinity.

drinking a can of throwback dew, real gmo monsanto sugar, hahahaha. had to sample the goods.

they only had a 12 pack of cans. no 2 liters.

its ok. i think real sugar is LESS sweet than HFCS.

i sent woman9 one text saying i was just going thru a phase and was gonna stop texting her every day!

yeah i should not be texting her so much, that’s gonna worsen my already not great chances. 70 30 baby. yikes.

oh well. b1tches can suck muh d1ck.

in general, i do not like women. i don’t hate them, hating them is too dumb and a waste of super precious energy. but i sure as hell don’t like them. on average. hehehe. not very likable. not much to like.

should not have texted her today. lesson learned. i am suffocating or smoethering her and being clingy and b1shes dont like that.

oh well i guess i wouldn’t like it either. i dunno. i never went out with a b1sh for more than a month, the last time a gurl said yes to me was 9 years ago, hahahahahahahaha.