MORE IMPOSTOR THAN DUNNING KRUGER

dec 5

WOW JUST WOW. heres a FIRST in mother fooking almost a year and a half, in fookin 16.5 almost 17 months to be exact, the famous first is that i went to a JOB today and earned MONAY. That much feelsgoodman but I also feel impostor syndrome, like i am a dumb weirdo and these people are giving me a chance but i am too slow on the uptake, im not taking that chance, i’m not ATTACKING it, and they will be disappointed in me.

the job itself seems SUPER LOW STRESS and everybody was chill and happy. I mean i have really hit the jackpot there. i should give some money to GOD right now for that. AND I know this woman that works there, i used to work with her 3+ years ago, she is a good person, saw her today.

there is technically a lot of stuff to learn but i didnt feel the PRESSURE to learn all this crazy shit FAST and EXPLAIN it to frustrated people who are gonna GRILL you on it. so its safe to say this job will be a LOT EASIER and a LOT LOWER STRESS than my previous job. which is awesome.

the people are nice and available for questions. HOLY SHIT.

on one hand i just want to survive one day at a time.

on the other hand, i want to ATTACK IT and SHOW INITIATIVE and PROVE MYSELF and EARN RESPECT.

i dont want to be a TIMID MILQUETOAST.

Like so one guy with a masters degree is helping the other guy with the masters degree with the software and I am watching and learning, and Im like these are successful people who are Good At Adulting, who have got masters degrees and Reaped The Benefits by having Good Career Jobs.

and here i am, a huge loser who cant get a job for 16 months sitting there trying to look smart and ask smart questions and act normal like i am a normie adult, when i am super far from being a normie adult.

i guess the thing is to “FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT” and really i will have to do a lot less of that here.

just remind myself this is NORMAL the FIRST DAY OF A DAMN JOB.

its been a while since i had the FIRST DAY OF A NEW JOB. it has been fookin THREE YEARS since that. well, 2.95 years hahaha.

transitions can be stressful even if the job is not stressful.

be mindful. let the thoughts float away. the judgments about muh self. just try to be nice to the people.

i mean i am ALWAYS nice but i am also Timid and I don’t want that.

also i can’t do much because there is a lot that is tied to my email/login stuff, and apparently the IT dept has a Policy where they cant get my account set up until after I have started my first day.  not before!

well i gave them 30 minutes of unpaid time today just to tie up some meeting stuff, like talking to the boss, etc.

the people here are very chill about getting there on time hahaha. i forgot about that. this workplace, ive worked at it before, from about 2009 to about 2013, and there were many many things i liked about it. and i am seeing that much of that, like the chill setting and the nice people, might carry over. and here i will have even LESS direct customer contact. but muh customers will be a generally higher level. masters degree people hehehehe.

yeah but there are some people in the dept that DONT have a masters degree.

i decided not to bring donuts on the VERY FIRST DAY becuase that would look TRYHARD, like i am DESPERATE to be liked and accepted. i can bring donuts another day. prob my last day of this week which is thursday.

i asked them about coffee. people like to drink coffee. great i said. i have some folgers at home i can bring in for everyone to use. there is a mr coffee for folgers and also a keurig machine. a goddam keurig. i guess its not THAT fancy. i mean im open to having a cup of keurig once in a while but i am a folgers man every day.

i wore dark blue dress slacks and a decent fitting Poplin/Oxford Dress Shirt, white with blue stripes. I looked pretty good. I made a half joke about how I could wear a tie if you think that would be good.

Wore black skechers shoes which are NICE but they are also too BIG. I shouldnt have bought them but this was over 3 years ago I bought these shoes. I actually wore them when i was working at this place the first time. jeez.  so this time i would go to WALMART and get some nice black shoes for reasonable price.

i mean i just gotta RELAX and be MINDFUL and not FREAK OUT. i mean theres NO REASON to freak out. everyone is NICE, they are not pushing weird shit on me, all this is OBVIOUSLY in my own head.

BATTLEMIND.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battlemind

military toughness mental training. how to stay cool in COMBAT. I should really look into this. just learned this word today hehehe.

i am thinking of making like 10 hamburgers patties at once on a cookie sheet in the OVEN. then put the burgers in the freezer. then i can eat a Hamburger for a snack while i am at muh job, if i am not so nervous and spazz that I cannot even think of eating.

i mean it is a mental thing now. everyone there is nice, its just my own INSECURITY and Inferiority Complex that I’m fighting against.

and here i’ve been reading a ton of job related shit while at home. well i kinda wanted to. again just becoming more familiar with the field in general. i suppose it would be better ot study the exact stuff in particular, the software, well i sort of did.

should try to see if i can sync a google drive folder on the job computer. might be restricted tho. but i can get to the google drives website. cuz they are sharing google documents with my gmail address, ie they intentionally use google docs to share stuff. i mean why not.

shit i forgot to ask the boss about his phd program. and his kids. and his previous jobs. 99% sure he is a democrat and might be a progressive activist one. he is big on education and worked in Inner City schools and certainly believes that poor blacks kids are every bit as capable and smart as privileged huhwhyte kids. and he has had a successful career, plenty of respect, and a wife and 3 kids to encourage his Weltanschauung hahahaha. he clearly is doing things right!

credit Salty Seaman with his parody of Kyke cernovich’s “gorilla mindset” with “chimpanzee weltanschauung” hehehehe.

http://english.stackexchange.com/questions/17908/whats-the-difference-between-weltanschauung-and-worldview

fooking intellectuals just jerking each other off hahahaha.  see this is one reason i dont want a masters degree. or especially a phd. its all mental masturbation .

anyway the boss is a good guy. i just wish he were a Rightist instead of probably a Leftist.

Well I think HIS boss is more of a rightist than a leftist hahaha. he already has his phd hahaha. but from a less prestigious skool. one of those classic working career adult completes phd in their spare time much like a MBA or something. i mean thats a good accomplishment too. the guy is obviously a hard worker, very ambitious, persistent, tough, BATTLEMIND, all good qualities. this guy is VERY masculine and somewhat intimidates me. shit he was also my boss’s boss 3-4 years ago so yeah I sorta know him. he is everybodys boss.

ambitious people dont like unambitious people and vice versa, sez famous negroball coach nick saban. for me this is hauntingly true. ive never been ambitious although i could have been successful if i were, cuz i used to have a good brain. but never had the work ethic. so people that DO have a strong work ethic, i worry about them looking DOWN on me as a Lazy Bum who doesnt Wanna Work Hard. Theyre not wrong, but I dont think that makes me a horrible person hhahahahahaha. but this guy is very ambitious and i dont want him to look down on me, cuz i respect him and what he’s done. thats a big part of it too, you dont want people YOU respect to disrespect YOU. you think someone is a good role model, and they think you are a lazy bum.

well he doesnt think i am a lazy bum. i hear he thought pretty highly of me when i interviewed with him once for a FT job in 2014. i guess i actually can sound sort of smart in interviews. then once i get the job i sound like an idiot hahahahaha.

http://workplace.stackexchange.com/questions/80549/does-using-documentation-as-a-developer-make-me-look-unprofessional

heh. this guy is worried that looking stuff up makes him look dumb to his coworkers, because he doesnt automatically know it. never mind asking them dumb questions!

thankfully the responses are largely no, what you are doing is smart and good.

dec 6

everyone at the job is nice and there is no pressure, but i am putting a ton of pressure on myself to be smart and impressive and funny and likeable and normie and charismatic and fun and smart and a team player and a value adder and asking smart questions not dumb questions.

everyone is also super accomplished, basically everyone i work with or talk to has a masterz degree or a phd but they dont have a big head about it either. now i want masters degree people to know i am every bit as smart as they are…..but i dont want to get a masters degree. they are ambitious and career oriented so they were very motived to get an advanced degree. i am not. but i cant say that here. like yeah im just as smart as you, i just didnt want to work as hard. but they arent such workaholics that they arent nice, or are weird. everybody is nice and has families and children. sometimes i want to say “you know i only make 11 dollars an hour and dont have a masters degree in this field right? i mean im not an idiot and my undergrad was better than your undergrad hahahahaha but then i went off the reservation and became a loser after that point.

but everyone is very understanding and theyre like yeah i know thats a lot of stuff to be thrown at you.

it KINDA is, but not any more than i had before, plus the important part is, i dont have to answer phones all day and fix things for users of this software and explain it, while having nothing but the Documentation to assist me in that chore, and experts were very unavailable. here, the experts are just chilling out and you are sitting in a room right next to them with the phone only ringing once an hour! its SUCH a different environment, 180, i mean its 14880000000000180 times BETTER and more POSITIVE!!!!!!

Just some person with a masters degree in tech, whos an expert in these tools, who can answer any question I or the users have, explain everything, who WELCOME feedback and complaints and feature requests, dont just bark im busy read the documentation. its INSANE. no WONDER these people have masters degrees and years of experience, to have such good chill career jobs.

Basically everyone is a damn instructor too. all these people are teaching college classes on the damn side. To the point where I have to laugh sheepishly and say, now i’ve never actually taught a class before, because all these people have taught classes! They are all teachers!!!!!!

so yeah. much more of the impostor sydrome than the dunning kruger effect hahahaha.

i have been studying quite a bit when i get home, was going a training module today on a major piece of software.

Used the coffee maker today and one of our clients said that is some good coffee, reminds me of the maxwell house we used to drink at home when i was young. I said thank you thats the first pot o coffee ive ever made here hahahaha today is my second day.

he was an afro-american man with an MBA, very intelligent and well dressed hahahahahaha.

if most of the Black Men you met were like THAT, you might very well not be a racist, but be a damn pro-black, anti-white, anti-racist!!!!! no he was all right, i had no beef with him, clearly a Talented Tenth and would be welcome in my white nation hahahaha.

only working 6 hours a day which is perfect…..then come home and do some studying, and now i should go for a powerwalk, and thinking of bed at 8pm, i mean only 2 days in, of only 6 hour shifts, and i am feeling a crunch on my time in other words.  but i guess thats to be expected. will take a LITTLE getting used to.  so dont get NERVOUS or FREAK OUT about it. just ACCEPT IT. RADICAL ACCEPTANCE. DBT.

yassssssssssss rich spencer live at texas a&m, the skypes did not shut him down, its happening RIGHT NOW and there seems to be an enthusiastic crowd.

also some great uppity shitlibs. this is a Good School and is gonna get PhD level shitlibs and marxists.

yeah well spencer got into a phd program at duke, hahahaha.

shit i gotta go back and listen to this whole thing just to hear all the college leftists in detail and how he responds to them in detail. i missed the first hour of this.

but there needs to be a lot more of this, directly engaging and debating college shitlibs, uhhh because im not good at it hahahaha and really want to listen to someone who is confident and good at it.

TRS goys and univ shitlib marxist BLM together in the audience. NOICE. I gotta read more about this event. and the stuff that went on before, after, outside, nearby.

ebonic talking black female talking about whites doing genocide, youre building this country on the backs of black slaves.

i mean yeah you are gonna find the BEST (ie the worst, slimiest, most twisted) shitlibs at big, reputable univs like TAM, so yeah, more of this. lots more of this. YEAH BUDDY.

i wanna hear him and our side debate and argue with the other side, i dont hear it enough.

faggy philosophy student talking his love of logic and logicians from aristotle to russel, this is exactly what i want to hear, what i want spencer to BTFO, and which i cant handle, cuz i have no patience for hardcore logic hahahaha.

oh shit college “conservative” wanting to tell spencer he stands with the left to condemn spencers hateful rhetoric, how brave bantz spencer. RS is doing really well at this IMHO, needs to do this EVERY DAY. against even MORE hostile crowds.

http://boards.4chan.org/pol/thread/101841991/richard-spencer-at-texas-am-university

http://archive.is/iOEGP

https://twitter.com/search?f=tweets&vertical=news&q=richard%20spencer%20texas%20a%26m&src=refgoogle

http://www.dallasnews.com/news/texas/2016/12/06/protests-unity-event-texas-am-aim-drown-speech-alt-right-dallas-native-richard-spencer

2000 people PROTESTING him

whites with a phd in genetics asking how you determine white identity. god damn i hope that white guy is jooish. sadly he is probably an antiwhite white i fooking luv science! type shitlib. thankfully spencer is giving it right back to them, calling them fat idiots.

https://www.periscope.tv/w/1gqxvRrdNkqxB

i made muh first discord post to share this link i found in the 504um hahahahaha

http://time.com/4592947/students-protest-white-nationalist-richard-spencer-texas-am/?xid=tcoshare

time phagazine.

sheeeeit this is exciting. wish i could stay up late but i gotta get up early and act like a SMART PERSON. even with nice people in a slow environemtn, ideal people in an ideal setting, its still exhausting to put on the face and act like a smart capable normie for a paltry 6 hours!!!!!!!!!!!! i have NO IDEA how i survived at the other job. thank GOD this one is much better. mentally but not at all financially hahahaha.

 

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ITS IMPOSSIBLE TO RESPECT SOMEBODYS DECISION TO TREAT YOU WITH DISRESPECT

 

oct 13

apparently got up way too early today for 9am test. strangely not pooping even though drinking coffee and have some food that should be ready to go hmmm.

i just hate angry customers demanding explanations that i dont have, demanding to speak to somebody else when i cant transfer them, and i dont have time to Figure Out their problem, and just have to tell them It Is What It Is, Live With It. There’s no tactful way to say this problem isnt serious enough to our company to waste time figuring it out.

when you are sitting there in the trenches desperately trying to bullshit people and survive to the end of another day in hell, the one thing that gives you hope and solace is the idea that the first thing you do when you get home is youre gonna prepare a yuuuuuuuuge spliff and smoke it and get hella blazed. that is your one saving grace. it really does help. without that, things really start to look hopeless.

did not get a ton of sleep last night hehehe .

aha well feel the BM coming now finally hahahaha. usually i dont have to wait!!!!

then i get mad at other people, like HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH THIS? HOW DO YOU HANDLE THIS? and they get mad at me cuz i am mad at them cuz they can so easily tell customers “i dunno, not my problem, deal with it, live with it, cant help you, it is what it is, goodbye.”

well, it is true that what i saw what PERHAPS the evidence of a company on the downfall. well, the company was having a Bad Year, Big Losses, and laid a ton of people off, including in our department. but was the shitty service we gave indicative of that, or was it always like that, even when times were Good and Growing? i mean you always want to save money and do more with less, and that means sweeping Small Problems under the rug.

its just hard being the person who has to tell the person youre sweeping THEIR problem under the rug.

very hard. what do you say?

idk just go with the flow lol  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

yeah well YOU stop listening to your degen music and TELL this person that. give them a damn good EXPLANATION WHY you are sweeping their problem under the rug.

and go suck negro dick some more. spread your legs for negros and make fookin shitsprogs with them.

i might not be in luv with negros, but i can at least admit they are humans hahahaha. they are living human beings and their innocent babies lives have some innate value and shouldnt be created WILLY NILLY. same with any nonwhite babies. I am a sucker for babies. all races babies are INNOCENT HUMAN LIVES that should not be treated like GARBAGE.

im not an idiot i SWEAR. Here, call my high school teacher from 20 years ago when I was a top 5% student and got all A’s.

ok took the test, it was EASY AS SHIT. basically copy an extremely simple table from this paper into excel, using sum formulas and multiplication formulas hahahaha. no index match or offsets or vlookups hehehehe.

and then use an adding machine with paper tape roll to add up a list of 20 numbers. i did not even understand. who uses adding machines.

i was nice to the lady and she was nice to me and i also saw a printout of the 30 people who took the written test a few weeks ago where i did horribly on the accounting questions, i told the lady yeah i didnt do so well on the accounting part, but i took accounting courses in College and got A’s I SWEAR, I could TOTALLY do that stuff again with the debits and credits and journal entries if I just did a little refresher, its not rocket science, its just you get rusty if you havent used it in a few years!!!!!! and she seemed understanding.

jeez. just when i thought trump was past this grab em by the pvssy shit, some more bad shit happens, namely, some b’s coming out saying he groped them. i guess i sort of thought this might happen, and now it is. i like how he is condemning the lugenpresse, because he knows this cant be proven, although youre a woman hater if you think a Victim Might Be Lying, especially if they put their name and face on video and say I, Ms Lyin Slutberg, say that trumps hands were like an octopus on me in 1980, and women dont make this shit up for political reasons hahahaha.

but yeah that is the prevailing idea, that women never lie. and trumps got to get women to believe women do lie, in order to get womens vote. of course women know women lie, but they will deny it to the point of voting against that bad bad man.

but yeah it is def hurting his poll numbers signif. i mean it does not look good folks.

but if he can handle this as well as he handled the pvssy tape, he has a chance.

heh i almost had a heart attack seeing this one cuz i actually thought it was That Woman doing an actual reddit post about ME hahahahahahaha. but its not. i am older than 29 anyway hahahahaha. also it sounds like she rejected him a little nicer because they were still talking afterwards. well…..not really. well, it sounds like she actually told him “im not interested,” and THEN he started asking Creepy Details about her Secs Life. well at least i did not do that! so i am less of a creep and better at respecting boundaries than this guy!

i mean i am fine being a woman hater but i DONT want to be a creep, i DO want to respect boundaries.

I was VERY, VERY, VERY distraught and upset, like this guy, but I think I did an OK job of respecting boundaries…..well just the idea of me getting feelings for her and asking her to hang out regularly was Trampling Her Boundaries!

yeah well she could have stopped saying YES WE WILL HANG OUT!!!!!!!!!! that KINDA got my hopes up!

but yeah i admit i was weak and cowardly and should have blurted everything out in november 2014. that is the lesson i learned, and if i ever get into this situation again, that is what i will do.

i didnt really manipulate our mutual friend to talk to her, but yeah maybe i did secretly hope that mutual friend would talk to that woman and be like hes really upset and you were kinda shitty to him hehehehehehehehe.

but yeah it gets to a point where you really dont have anything to TALK about. i learned pretty quickly that i didnt want to just TALK to her, i wanted a CHANCE with her. the time for TALKING was earlier. like yeah i wish you had dumped me with talking but if you come talk to me now, uhh yeah im still in luv with you, ill still be in luv with you 15 months later. i can accept you not wanting the rel, just tell me no. tell me no and tell me im not a piece of garbage hahahaha. just say aw im sorry youre a real sweet guy like all the other women who “FRIENDZONE” their male friends hahahahahaha and then lets take a little break because you cant be friends when theres one sided feelings, didnt you learn than by age 25 hahahaha.

i will pay for a dumping expert for you to dump me.

or have your mom dump me for you.

but yeah at the end of the day she was a nice person, a beautiful person, and i will never get over her or stop being in luv with her or find a better woman ahahahahahahaha.

this feels as bad as muh First Heartbreak! they say the first is by far the worst, but this one is by far the worst! the 5th or 6th heartbreak hehehehe. well because it was the most significant actual relship.

anyway yeah i guess i understand, if i were in her position i wold have a hard time dealing with me too.

i mean you really do need a professional for these types of things. well ok. i would have her go to my shrink, talk to my shrink for 30 minutes, then i would talk to the shrink for 30 minutes. do a couple of those sessions. and the shrink could relay everything in a mature manner. thats their JOB hahahaha.

yeah well many people are just horrible at their jobs and have no idea what they are doing hehehe.

i mean isnt this what QUALITY ASSURANCE does? makes sure stuff is objectively correct?

i mean i never experienced this before. i pretty much accepted the ITS OVER talk. well, i would try to win them back. didnt work. they would make out with you (and im sure str8 up Pity Fook you, because its just secs). but i was too pathetic to even PUSH for secs because im nervous about secs and am perfectly happy with making out.

anyway winning them back didnt work and i shouldnt have tried it.

well these were crazy middle class jooish college gurls! and That Woman was a nice white down to earth normal woman who was not a Huge Career Woman.

i was a little creepy, but was I SO creepy that I should be totally ashamed of myself? sometimes i am, sometimes im not, and im still not sure how ashamed i SHOULD be, in other words, not sure exactly How Creepy I was.

i mean i dont WANT to be creepy. because “creepers” dont get women ever. its synonymous with undesirable. i dont want to be undesirable. have such deep issues i could never be with a wimmin. i mean they have deep issues too, but it doesnt matter bc women are the supply, therefore i HAVE to not be creepy. it is my responsibility. my mission. i dont want to fail my mission.

heheh got up at 6 am, not a lot of sleep, in mood for nap now at 12 pm hahahaha.

anyway. muh life is in ruins and all i can think about is WOMEN. and this is not a new thing. i always cared more about women and the related drama, than making something of myself. this is one of muh hugest flaws.

cuz i was always way more interested in women than i was in Employment, Education, or Training hahahahahaha. all that stuff was boring at best and excruciating at worst.

yeah i shoud not be writing here, very tired hahahaha. i mean i SHOULD be furiously jobsearching but i dont do that so furiously. hey i did something job related today! and i am on the baby steps plan hahaha.

but i have been on the baby steps plan for YEARS. i need to start doing MORE than baby steps, a LOT more.

GROWN ASS MEN DONT GET ANYWHERE WITH BABY STEPS.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

teen doesnt want to go to college, caretaker says she needs college beause shes not the type to do well without college.

such an easy answer. let the damn kid take a damn gap year, maybe two. also its easy to get a job when you are a 18 year old gurl hahahahaha. take some business classes at the CC because the kid is vaguely interested in “Starting a business” with no plan. so take accounting classes at least, maybe econ, i dunno. def accounting cuz its an actual skill you can get paid for. i mean it hasnt really helped my career hahahaha.

everyones like o just have her get a FT job and pay you rent, which in theory is a great idea…..but what if she cant get an FT job? spends the entire gap year just applying to jobs, going to interviews, and not getting jobs? hehehehe.

which i highly doubt tho, cuz as an 18 year old gurl she could prob get hired at a 12 dollar an hour county job like i just got two rejections today for two such jobs! they either dont like muh gap andor they think i am overqualified andor they dont want to hire white males. they hire a lot of white females though hahahahaha.

anyway if the kid is not DRIVEN in real life, they wont be DRIVEN in college, and being a lazy slob in college is not gonna help them. then you become a huge failure like me hahahaha.

anyway i always knew i was too fooked up to have a rel with a woman, so i wasnt actively looking for one. i knew i had to fix myself first, and that would take YEARSSSSSSSSSSSS until i am 40 or so.

point is, i didnt go LOOKING for a woman when i “found” That Woman. Us becoming friends was the easiest, most natural, most spontaneous thing i had felt in a very long time. we just got along instantly. it just happened naturally af. i didnt LUV her at first. after 2 years of being solid friends, i fell in luv with her. and yet i still was too broken and damaged to be in a rel.

point is, i wasnt putting myself out there, i wasnt trying to FIND a GF in other words. she literally fell into muh life and we got along rather MIRACULOUSLY.

like i think about going on okcupid or something and practicing banging sluts, but i know im not even ready for that cuz muh life is a mess, cant take care of myself, cant be a adult, i gotta get that stuff fixed before i even THINK about women.

hehehehe. yep. get me to stop thinking about women hehehehe.

well thats a lot easier when you are working FT at a terrible job. THEN you just think about surviving one day at a time. you have no Libido, you cant even jerk off UNLESS You look at porno. and it becomes a joyless experience solely to attempt to relieve stress. destress. and it doesnt work nearly as well as smokin MJ.

or quickly crank one out thinking of the Office Young Slut that all the other lonely old guys want to bang too.

if you are lucky enough to GET a job. AND work with even ONE attractive young woman.

but attractive young women can be INCREDIBLY distracting.

well, you will probably be thinking of them ANYWAY even if you dont know or see any. kinda in that position right now. im always thinking of women, but i really dont interact that much with women, and my point is, i dont know ANY attractive young women! but i still think about the idea of them! all the time!

shit maybe send that 17 year old kid to a shrink (i am thinking of them more as a boy than a girl, because gurls shouldnt Go Away To College period.) just to get a damn “tune up” and make sure they dont have Depression or Anxiety or Bipolar. just get a check up, and if they have anything, they can start treating it when theyre young and before they get their whole life off track. maybe the kid is Depressed because they dont seem to have any drive or motivation hehehehe. also make sure they are NOT doing drugs or alcohol regularly. find a male mentor who is 5 years older. 9 at the very most.

if the mentors are too old, they wont know how the world works and their advice wont apply hahahahaha. theyll say go to college, thats your sure ticket to the middle class, hahahaha.

dont get a female mentor.

FEMALES CANT MENTOR.

well, maybe they can mentor children and women, IF they have children of their own.

well what about this guys wife who is a successful business owner.

ok fine, if they own a successful business, ill give them a pass.

and actual entrepreneurs WOULD be GREAT mentors for Teens. but good luck getting access to these privileged, valuable, expensive, very important people. their time is worth 100 bucks an hour just to talk to them on the phone. just go shadow a doctor or something. go shadow bill gates hahahaha.

but yeah going to college right after high school was a HORRIBLE idea for me, so yeah i was VERY interested in that topic.

wewlad finally gonna come in under muh daily calorie goal of 1200, instead of way way over.

ITS SO HARD TO DO EVEN 1 BABY STEP hahahahaha.

but yeah i get SO nervous at the idea of Facing Customers. it is TERRIFYING. like the kids at mcdonalds making 9 dollars an hour. i couldnt do what they do!

but the FACT is, at ONE time, i USED to do pretty high level, in depth, srs business customer service. having deep intense serious conversations.

so yeah i just want to answer all my haters who say i got involved with a woman before i was READY.  it just HAPPENED ok. i wasnt LOOKING for anything. you cant CHOOSE who you LUV.

on reddit some college educated career woman was doing a /sarcasm about sex being “the holy process by which babies are made” /s . i wanted to reach through the screen and punch her in the face for being such a fooking godless disgusting degenerate. THAT SHOULDNT BE SARCASM! THATS EXACTLY WHAT SECS IS!!!!!!!!!!

and i am honestly disappointed that ONLY religious people share my beliefs. I argue endlessly you dont HAVE to be religious, christian, etc to have my beliefs on Sexual Morality, that sex is a darn near holy, sacred, sublime process by which Human Life is created, so have some damn REVERENCE for it.

apparently only religious nuts think this, and everybody else doesn’t.

i am SORTA religious but I stubbornly insist you dont NEED to be to feel this way about secs. even a damn tree worshiping pagan would agree with me!

i was pleasantly surprised to see that there were soem gun owners on reddit. one rel question involved guns and plenty of gun owners responded. i expected everyone on reddit to be violently antigun, anyone who doesnt express only negative opinions about guns is an evil white cis racist hateful nazi kkk trump raeper. so i was glad to be proven wrong there.

everything is NOT OKAY with these women. 25 year old women making 50 grand a year write work emails about things being NOT OK. good god.  and we all have to bow down to the women and fix shit when they think something is NOT OK. no man would EVER use those words to describe anything, unless he is a total cuckold phaggot.

women are very conformist in the way they talk so colloquial idioms like “not ok” and “its a thing” and “its been a minute” and “creeper” and “netflix and chill” and LITERALLY and  just the littlest ways of speaking, the words, the stupid slang, they get really into that and it changes the way they TALK. and men just dont TALK like that, not nearly as much.

 

heh the anxiety reddit is sometimes pretty good, though not nearly as much comments as relshits.

 

yep

 

in this WOMANS defense, I would get anxious about 12-15 hour shifts too!

 

there is a despair reddit too but damn these people are pathetic. but there are some good questions like the above. not alot of answers though.

anyway i think my despair comes FROM muh anxiety which holds me back from taking risks and doing things and accomplishing Life Goals like getting a real job, maintaining the job, getting a rel, maintaining the rel, being an adult, etc.

also anxiety prevents a LOT of people from working. they have panic attacks and crying every day about their job. panicking every morning. panicking at lunch. being exhausted and destroyed at the end of every day.

some suggested that high CBD cannabis can help with anxiety but high THC can Aggravate anxiety? i dont doubt that. but I always think of it in terms of indica vs sativa, and this is NOT the same thing.

well then give me a high CBD indica hahahaha.

 

1 comment basically saying i dunno, nothing helps, try meds and maybe it will help you seem like a normie.

hehehehe. i know that feel.

but yeah. valid, good questions, with barely any responses. bretty disappointing reddit.

well i can at least be gratefu that muh anxiety and despair arent as bad as some of these people. like i can actually go on interviews, 23 of them hahahahaha. (but VERY doubtful about actually doing a job and surviving at it!!!!!!). also i dont get holy shit i must K myself sort of thoughts. more like wow i am a huge failure who has wasted my life and i will never be able to turn it around, but i dont really want to K myself! but i just feel hopeless about being able to become a real adult with an average job, and to get a halfway decent gf, ideally wife. ok FINE i will accept not having children. but i wont accept getting into a rel with a shitty woman out of pure desperation and loneliness. i would rather continue being alone. and just smoke MJ and maybe bang sluts like a degen. its not ideal but i wonder if some secs would make a man more confident which he can then use to do actually good, nondegen things. the ends jsutify the means. by any means necessary.

oct 14

https://www.eremedia.com/ere/why-you-cant-get-a-job-recruiting-explained-by-the-numbers/

yeah the page does exist, ive got it open right now. very discouraging article  written by evil hr person hahaha.

http://insights.dice.com/2014/09/16/recruitings-dirty-little-secrets/

ok ive had enough hahaha

basically i was looking for an Experts Opinion on low-level (data entry, general clerk, entry level admin asst, clerical asst, office clerk) get posted AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN and over and over and over every 3 or 4 weeks, basically the same position in the same location, and you apply 3 or 4 or 5 times until youre ike WTF is going on here, ive applied to this same job 4 times and still havent gotten called for a First Interview or even a Phone Screening, WTF is going on here. has their HR department blackballed me, or is this just not a real job? are they building a pool? there must be 10000 people in the pool by now!! are they trying to build a BETTER pool? its a 12 dollar an hour job! youre not gonna GET mark zuckerberg!!!!!! WHAT IS GOING ON here? looking for an article that explains this phenomenon, but cannot find.

i mean yeah im sure i could get flagged as “DESPERATE, WILL TAKE ANYTHING” in the ATS, which is only half true. I will only take anything that is less than 50% phones hahahahaha, i will take anything that wouldnt obviously drive me completely insane and do a panicquit hahahahaha.

im sure ive got that flag at the hospital where ive applied to 50 jobs. but i’m not applying to shit all over the hospital! i am applying to stuff in my ballpark of qualification!!!!!!!!!!

if there are men looking for the “GF experience”, are there women looking for the BF experience?

well, and im not SURE about this, but my THEORY is that women who get LONELY like this will just end up trying to convert their BFE (probably a Fook buddy or FWB) into an actual BF.

just basically slapping your fantasy image of the perfect GF/BF onto whatever attractive person lets you fook them. then you fook them and cuddle with them and be nice to them and start to want them as your GF even though you have no idea who they REALLY are. pretty much what happened with the first gurl i fooked.

its safe to say if you want the GFE, you want a GF, period.

(yeah this is kind of a NO SHIT SHERLOCK thing when you think about it for 1 second.) so you are at risk. you bang some slut and try to make it a GFE, and then probably end up getting stupid feelings too fast because what you REALLY want is a GF.

i mean its not really STUPID, its completely understandable.

when you search what appears to be specific requisition numbers on a big companys job site and you cant find the job. because i got an email alert saying apply for this job, but no LINK in the email, so i search the req number given in the email to make sure i find the exact job, and nothing. total incompetence by the HR of a YUGE successful company. shit why even post jobs, they can get top talent from top skools, why even open this shit to slobs like me.

less than 1 month to go and the pres campagins are now all about Secs Scandals. this is honestly kinda disappointing. not that secs scandals do not matter cuz they ARE an indicator of Morality, which is more important than anything hehehehe.

well i mean i will accept a president who has groped a few women, but is sincere about making america great again hahahahaha. i will not accept a pres who has groped and raeped a LOT of women and who wants to genocide my race hahahahahahaha.

so what if trump doesnt respect women? I dont respect women! well, the MAJORITY of women hahahahaha. SOME women are respectable. but not a lot.

although on a person to person level, social interactions, i treat everybody respectfully, even if the person may not really be respectable. i mean im not gonna FIX them by being an asshole to them. i dont like being an asshole to people anyway. its too much WORK, its too much STRESS, too much anxiety.

i wish there was a lot more discussion on the anxiety reddit. there is 10% of the talk as there is on the relships. but anxiety CAUSES SO much trouble with relships, with life in general. well, for men at least. women can still have anxiety and get Rels and Jobs because they are the supply. they are very much in demand. men will bend over backwards to Help Women. thats just the way it is. accept it. dont get MAD about it and complain that its UNFAIR. its really NOT, because women get pregnant. now it might be unfair that women arent AWARE of this, and its definitely infuriating. and it IS fair for you to get angry about that, hahahahahahahaha.

WE HAVE NO RECORD OF THAT.

another great it is what it is, not our problem, oh well, youre screwed, deal with it type statement you can give to your customers.

im not saying youre lying, but youre lying. we have no record of that. not because were incompetent.

so youre telling me that my wireless card is just gonna keep disconnecting every single day, and the only way to “FIX” it is to restart my computer 10 times a day, repeatedly run network troubleshooting 10 times a day, and just WAIT when i lose internet for 10 minutes at a time every day and have to tell my paying customers, sorry, you have to wait 10 more minutes before the computer can take your money. nope we cant give you a discount either because budget. gotta cut costs goy. no refunds, no exchanges, no discounts, no service, no guarantees, all sales are final.

some people hate sitting in TRAFFIC. but you know whats even WORSE? actually being at work and having to deal with those callers and customers and tasks! traffic is EASY!!!!! its a NO BRAINER!!!! you just sit there and wait and move verrrrrryyyyyy sloooooooooowly. you already know how to HANDLE it. you dont need to make 1000 flashcards and study every night on how to deal with heavy traffic. its simple, its not complicated, its a 1+1 math problem.

meanwhile every phone call is a fookin Calculus 5 story problem where they bitch at you to explain why on every step, and youre not doing this fast enough, and dont you know what youre doing, why cant i speak to someone who knows what theyre doing, nobody in your department ever knows what theyre doing! isnt this your JOB????

so yeah i hate that. it is very nerve wracking, anxiety provoking.

now, anxiety was not a big problem for me for a good long while, from like 2010 to 2013. i was working an easy job, handling that, i wasnt anxious and nervous. i was grumpy and angry and hateful sure, but not anxious. 2014, 2015 were huge anxiety years, carried over into 2016 as well.

but it was nice to go several full YEARS without as much anxiety. but then it comes back for YEARS again. damn.

We have no record of this. Please reboot your computer and wait 10 minutes before attempting to use your cash register or office computers. Discounts/refunds must be approved by CEO, or create a Cash Drawer Shortage so your manager can fire you for stealing. Hope This Helps!

was this because i was working at a failing company, and everybody knew it was failing? (except for people who just listened to music all day and said idk go with the flow lol idk) the customers, the managers, the nonmanagers, the field, the support, everybody with half a brain?

when your customer says, this is DISGRACEFUL service, and you say, yeah i agree, but there’s nothing i can do here. i am the manager. policies. ill get in trouble. we cant just give discounts away. our company will go out of business. and then it goes out of business anyway through a combination of giving away discounts, bad service, low quality, high prices.

whos supposed to be doing this, because i dont know how to do this. oh im supposed to be doing this? says who? let me speak to their manager. oh theyre not in. you have one manager for 5 locations. ok whos the acting manager. nobody. ok whos the smartest person there. oh he’s not in. WHO IS THE SMARTEST PERSON WHO IS THERE RIGHT NOW. hes in a meeting. ok, then who is the smartest who is in the building, who is not in a meeting, who can talk to me right now? nobody, were all on the phone with customers. i am literally the only person who can help you, and i dont know what im doing.

ok who has the most seniority/experience. oh this whole office/location is new. ive only been here a month and all the managers have only been here 2 weeks. NOBODY knows what theyre doing. so we call people for help, and THEY dont know what theyre doing.

sheeeeit times like this i need to get out of the house. i did apply for one job thank god, a military civ job. only took 16 minutes. well when you ONLY put 16 minutes or 15 minutes into a app, thats a good GUARANTEE that you will never get an interview! hahahahaha. you should be spending at LEAST an hour on every app, really fine tuning it to each job hahahaha.

anyway i have decided to go to the store today and get a white dress shirt that fits me a bit better than the one i usually wear for interviews, which is too big.

later

ok did that. felt the need to get out of house and DO something, not just complain in here, and force myself to apply for Jobs. and not “just” go for a walk, but DO something, anything i needed to do, like get a white dress shirt that fits better, or go buy laundry detergent for the home. going for a walk is fine, i need to lose weight (not really, but i do WANT to!) but i wanted to Baby Step Do Something today.

went to burlington for the shirt. we had a majority white town thank GOD but burlington in the middle of the afternoon is NOT majority white. there were a ton of blacks and especially arabs there. some asians.

the arabs in my town, you wouldnt have to worry about them joing ISIS, but they might be contenders for drug dealing and Raping White Gurls. but i dont think they are too islamic. they just speak arabic and haggle with cashiers at burlington and grope women and probably like to drink which is absolutely haram. smoke hookahs all day and watch soccer.

got some diet coke because i was curious to mix it with my coffee.

rejection emails that reference requisition numbers that DO NOT MATCH WITH the requisition numbers stated on the taleo site! it gives a 7 digit number, and all the req numbers i see are 6 digit! so i cant even match it up with a job on my spreadsheet for certain, because i recorded the 6 digit req number!!!!!! so i dont know which admin assistant job i was rejected for!

or you take 10 minutes to apply for a job (contingent (casual) job no less) and only when youre DONE does it tell you the job has expired. thanks NEWTON ATS.

wewlad. finally got in muh 3 apps for the day. so much shit is coming up expired. or i already applied to it but couldnt figure out if i had or not. felt like it took forever. much longer than the 42 minutes it should have taken hahahaha.  in fact it took 46 minutes hehehehehehe.

kirkland vodka. apparently critics say its better than gray goose and also way cheaper.

that basically all kirkland booze is high quality and reasonably priced.

i just thought that was kinda funny. as a guy who used to drink fooking near-bottom shelf canadian whiskey like canada house and rich and rare and royal canadian and CANADIAN HUNTER hahahaha. i couldnt even drink something good like VO or Crown Royal. once in a while i did canadian club hahahahaha.

Rich and Rare was probably the best quality for a low price, shameful booze, and candian hunter was the most BADASS……but not really the best quality. I cant not recommend the Rich And Rare though. got EPIC drunk off of that shit.

actually R&R was pricier than royal canadian.

i really dont know how i got into drinking steel reserve tho. BAD idea. i mean why not just drink lots of regular beer like miller lite. well, i did that too!

maybe get some kirkland weed hahahahahahahahahahaha. well im sure if they had some, it would be good.

i guess Kirkland Shirts are pretty good. not sure about pants hahaha. get some nice Kirkland Jeans hahahahaa.

10 thousand word post. this is definitely top 5% length folks.  just ridiculous.

get a kirkland wife hahahaha. kirkland mail order bride.

ya know i am not interested in a mail order bride at all. even a white one. maybe when i am 45 – 50 i will be hehehehe.

ok moved some of this long post to the previous post to match the lengths a little bettter.

i mean i just want to get a LOT of MJ right now. like a 4th or half ounce! like 100 dollars of MJ i would buy right now. i mean im thankful to have that kind of money, but thats what happens when you are a neet who didnt have a ton of expenses and saved most of their money when they were working.

are there any neets who ARENT virgins?

well probably. what i mean is there any neets who are getting secs from nonhookers at the time of their neetness? or even has a gf? neets with a gf? dont make me laugh hahahaha.

ate way too much at dinner again. went over limit of 1200 for the day.

now i CAN get all the way up to 1500 and not GAIN weight. ie 1500 is muh BMR. well i got to like 1450 today.

lesson: if your one Big Meal is a huge meal at a restaurant, that will put you well above 1200 unless you do a LOT of ezercise that day. like 500 calories at least. which some people can do in 30 minutes of running. not me. takes a solid hour of dam jogging.

sheeeeeeeeeeeit well i found the company THAT WOMAN works for and it is pretty damn close to muh house. well i saw a posting from the company on indeed and looked at it, then looked up the location of the company. it was about 2 or 3 miles from muh house.  thankfully i never go that way.

well i am now mad that she gets a job that is close to her home, closer than the last one. and that she can handle taking help desk calls.

well maybe she cant! maybe they put her on phones and she flipped the fook out because she’s not used to phones.

and it doesnt matter! it just sucks that i still think about her at all!

because i havent found a good REPLACEMENT for the positive stuff i got from her. namely a good connection with a decent woman, a real rel. its easy to have casual secs (well, not for me) but its HARD to have a real rel. real rels are inherently noncasual. they are long term. it is HARD to replace that shit.

and i am not happy at myself, that i looked up the exact location of the company. but i saw the company randomly on indeed, without searching for it, saw it was located in a city near mine which is a small city with nothing but machine shops (and i should really get a job at one of those, but then i might see her hahahahaha) and i was surprised that this type of company was in that city, THEN i looked up the exactly location, which, because it was in this small city, was OF COURSHE going to be close to me.

THEORETICALLY she could stop at the huge grocery store near here, to or from going to her job, and i could see her at the store, because this is the grocery store nearest to my home, and i go there regularly. was there today.

this is what happens 15 months after someone you never even fooked or dated dumps you hahahahaha.

sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit.

heh i applied to an Entry Level Data Entry job which ive applied to this same job 3 or 4 times. it just keeps appearing and appearing. i apply and apply. it gets hundreds of applicants every time. why keep opening it. very fishy. this time i totally forgot to change the name of the company from my previous cover letter. (i did change it the first time its mentioned, in the first paragraph, but forgot to do the second time, in the third paragraph.) sheeeeeeeeeeeeeit. now i am probably on a blacklist and should never apply to that job again. its disgraceful they even post the job so often. i am sure there si high turnover, lots of blacks. why cant they call me!!!!!!!!

yeah but i want a company that posts jobs rather than never posts jobs, right? even if they already HAVE all the candidates they could possibly need????

that feel when you get to 5 jobs in 1 day for the first time in a while because youve been getting discouraged and slowing down, then find out 1 of those is DEFINITELY disqualified because you made that stupid mistake.

thing is, they probably wouldnt even really care.

i hate that dumb blacks can get these jobs just because they dont have Anxiety HAHAHAHAHAHA no i am just partly kidding. its not because of Anxiety that i dont get these jobs, because i hide the anxiety FAIRLY well on interviews and fake my way as being MOSTLY normie with a normie level of interview anxiety. but it is very true that blacks have less anxiety than whites. its just the way they are wired. so they can aggressively grab women by the pvssy and impregnate as many women as possible in a total r selection strategy. and the women love it.

 

DONT EVEN WRITE ABOUT IT: WRITING LEADS TO OVERTHINKING/RUMINATING

aug 1 2015

yep things have all gone wrong. who just quits their job because of woman related anxiety? pussy ass cucks, thats who! sissy omega virgins who will NEVER get a gurlfran!

i mean i didnt handle this with the greatest karma, but they handled it even worse imho. but i am jelly that they get to keep a cool head, get to keep their job, and dont look like the crazy psycho unstable party here. so, i am the bad guy here, even though they technically have the bad karma.

so, how do you handle this in an interview?

ok. say this: “I had to take care of some personal issues which necessitated a leave of absence.  This was agreed upon with good terms between myself and management. I had a personal issue with another employee which resulted in irreconcilable differences and compromised production in the working environment. I had  great performance and attendance and am very comfortable using management as references.”

cuz you gotta be positive positive positive.

hehe it is funny i am saying welp its best not to place blame, and even mentioning karma, and i want to blame them as having the bad karma, and give myself the moral high ground of good karma! it is obviously i do not fully grasp karma in my heart. i mean i understand it, but i clearly just dont Believe it apparently. because i want the good karma, and i want them to have the bad karma.

aug 4

well i have determined that EVEN WRITING about this will not do much if ANY good. the best way to erase the woman from my mind (is that even the ideal goal?) is not to write about it for a while at least. i mean damn.

i was very pushy to her because i really really really wanted to talk about the situation. she “punished” me for my “Crime” by refusing to talk to me whatsoever, eventually leading to me being the bad guy by pushing and needing too much. being too needy. not accepting the reality. until eventually i was desperately begging plz respond, and she wouldn’t. so that kinda drove me crazy.  could not deal with it any more.

and of course when you hurt someone and want forgiveness, you have to try to right the wrong. and really the only way i can right the wrong is to leave her completely alone. no contact. well she’s prob blocked my phone anyway, plus i have deleted her phone, so really “best” way i have to contact her is email, and she prob deleted the 2 “important” emails i sent her anyway.

but thing is i dont think im entirely in the wrong. sure i made mistakes but imho she made mistakes too. and i am butthurt about receiving no communication, just frozen out and blocked like i am some stalker abusive x boifran getting a restraining order. hehehehe at least those boifrans get some make out action hahahaha and the woman actually gives some tenderness to them before it all goes wrong.

but yeah its a really bad way for it to end, completely broke my heart, impossible to go back to insane job with the woman, AND have no contact with her, AND see her be all friendly to other people and freezing cold to me, when we used to be super friendly, which led me to believe that we would be able to face problems like mature adults.

and this isnt even a promiscuous modern woman brainwashed sheeple degenerate wh0re modern american poisoned woman! but a fairly low number nice gurl who seemed fairly moral! and they can still do you wrong! are all women REALLY like that? even the Nice ones? of course! hahahaha and that is why i am a broken man woman hater hahahaha. see this is how writing is bad.

there was a point where I was writing tons of draft texts to her, had 40 texts of things i wish i could say, some of them tender, some secsy, some whatever. all beta hahahaa. but it was at THAT TIME that I should have Blurted It Out, becuase it was obvious things were Building Up from being Bottled Up.

also there were always certain conversation topics that we always avoided, like our secs lives, dating, bla bla bla. i should have come right out and said “so, takin many cox? wanna take mine in there while you’re wh0rin in up?” hahahahaha. no only somewhat kidding, she was not wh0ring it up. but i should have been more pushy? about pushing the conversation into those private areas? but i was already too pushy. but better earlier than later? i guess. see this is an exmaple of you think too much about it, you WILL go crazy. overthinking, ruminating, and THIS IS WHAT WRITING LEADS TO.

so we were both wrong. she thinks i was more wrong, i think she was more wrong. i guess i’m not ENTITLED to anything, let alone an explanation, a discussion, or a god damn RESPONSE.

my beef is, we seemed to have a friendly and close enough “friendship” that I thought I was sort of entitled to A Response. i mean you just dont throw away several good years with no response. that is too much for me to handle. so i kept pushing for a response, therefore ensuring i would never get it.

so obviously the best thing i can do now is Let It Go, Pray for Acceptance, Move On; and writing about it is not gonna serve that purpose.

SO, I have trying to spend more time with family, and that is great. i mean they dont fully understand the depths of my luv, and how i can fall so deeply in luv with gurls that i never even really Dated, but they dont really need to understand.  i mean i dont quite understand it myself. i am just grateful to have their support, which is more than most losers have! you don’t need understanding, understanding is totally overrated and useless. you do need support however. support and luv, so i am grateful to have that.

but yeah it IS painful to have everything end this way. i have been watching these tv shows where people still do their jobs despite unbelievable stress, horrible secrets, like they have guilt for murdering people or they hold murderous grudges against their coworkers for years……and yet they are still able to perform their jobs for 40 hours a week. maybe get flustered once in a while. but not as much as I was! also i try to tell myself this is just tv not real life. and that i should not compare myself.

but what about the other people at the job who have fooked each other, had a falling out, and now dont talk to each other any more? theres a little bit of that! and certainly for there to be a falling out, means that one person got feelings! obviously when there is a rejection, theres a winner and a loser, and i was certainly the loser here, because i completely fell apart and had close to a breakdown, and now my life is in ruins, and i am struggling to rebuild it. the Winner goes on with life normally, or at least they are able to continue doing their job, and were less hurt by seeing me, than i was by seeing them.

fook. one of the most painful things is, i thought they cared about me more as a Human Being to be so cold to me. and now they think i am a crazy psychopath, so therefore i am the bad guy, and dont deserve to be treated like a human being. cuz even if she was never in luv with me, she was fairly compassionate and nice to me, and i liked that. i just wanted a little bit more of that, in working thru the ending of it all.

anyway i just try to Jog every day, spend time with family every day, clean room every day and throw shit out, not really write too much like i am doing now, because i THINK about the shit anyway, while i am out jogging, while i am trying to sleep, shit son, it sucks. also my confidence level, which is never high, is at an all time low, and of course you need confidence to Win Jobs. let alone women, but fook im not gonna be caring about women for a while, i have no desire to be with women, cuz she is the only woman i wanted to be with. i suppose i would bang beautiful 18 year olds presenting themselves to me with no effort or charisma or confidence or work on my end……..but thats obviously not gonna happen, and i dont really care about that.

yeah i just thought we were CLOSER than that. i thought the closeness had built up over several years of friendship. and maybe it did. but one person always has the power to take the closeness away, to shut it down. they just dont want to do it any more. they check out. and i guess she really started that process months ago, probably around the same time i developed feelings for her, which she probably picked up on, and that caused her to start to check out, to distance herself, pull away, reject me, push me away, me push her away, to stop being close.

but yeah it sucks to HAVE the closeness, and then to LOSE it. and it bothers me that gurls can have SEX with guys, and not even be close to them.

i mean its one thing for a beta fuccboi cuck to be in love with a gurl after 2 weeks, but that was not the case here. we were Platonic friends for almost 2 years, before my feelings finally converted, and that’s exactly when things started going bad. i mean i was still a loser then, but i was somehow much happier and more confident hahahahaha. not confident enough to be attractive to her hahahaha but still way better than i am now, at rock bottom!

and even when i was at that “peak”, i was not great: i was still a loser, still lazy, still low confidence, still couldn’t get a good job or a good woman hahahaha.

but yeah in the past she might have had compassion for me if i were having a difficult time like i am now. but now its nothing but coldness and anger and bitterness from her, wanting nothing to ever do with me again, not good enough to even talk to, etc. this is the worst case of “PLZ RESPOND” ever hahahaha.

see please respond is meant for omegas who fall in luv with some b1tch after 1 week. this case is totally different. we had closeness built up over the years. but i guess i VOIDED that the instant i got feelings. hehehe the exact reason why i wanted to Talk about the Feelings, was the exact reason she DIDNT want to talk about the feelings.

I wanted to get everything in the open and try to deal with an awkward, difficult situation. it only became more and more awkward and difficult. which increased my efforts to Talk About It, which increased her efforts to Avoid It Altogether and Cut Me Out. we had completely opposite approaches to dealing with the mutually difficult situation.

oh well life goes on. i just hate being abandoned and cut out because our history suggested that she simply had more regard for me than that. if i had a female friend who developed feelings for me after time, and wanted to talk about it, i would talk about it for hours. i would say sorry sorry sorry but i do not share your feelings, what can i do to make this easier for you, but i have to be honest and tell you this isnt gonna work out the way you want it to work out, thats painful, and i am sorry. i would have said something like that. i know we have been friends for a while so i appreciate you as a human being and i do not want to hurt you. that kind of shit.

but yeah writing too much about it already. i should be doing something productive like cleaning, writing this email to my old manager begging for my old job back, jogging. i cannot write like this too much about this situation now. it is hazardous to my health, much like that Relationship was, much like that Job was. and both happening Concurrently was just too much to handle for poor sensitive derpressed low confidence weak omega male me, hahahahaha.

A G0D D4MN PERFECT SH1TSTORM

july 31

they say its good to know the reason why it ended. the real reason it ended was that we had different feelings for each other. i wanted to marry her, she didnt. at all. i was in luv with her, and she felt no feelings for me. i had huge feelings for her, she had no feelings towards me.

well my coping mechanism is trying to spend as much time as possible with family. so that really is a good silver lining, because i was getting distant from them, so that is probably why the LORD gave me this suffering with woman.

but i would HATE to become OBSESSED with her, thinking of her every waking moment, and then come to HATE her for disappointing me and abandoning me.

lesson learned: don’t even wait a mere ten months to confess your feelings. if the gurl is avoiding The Talk, then Blurt Out your feelings via text, voice mail, in person all at once, email, facebook message, just COME RIGHT OUT AND SAY IT: “I have feelings for you.”

do this….within three months. definitely within 5 months. do NOT wait TEN months.

try to tell the person in person, but if they won’t ever agree to meet you, and you feel you have to Confess, and there’s really  nothing wrong with that, then just blurt it out at an awkward time, because they are not granting you the privilege of a nonawkward time.  shit.

my problem is we were both very nonconfrontational, although i was much more willing to have a semi-confrontational conversation, to have a difficult yet fearless conversation, to sit her down, warm her up, and confess in person, that i had feelings. i guess this is not the way it is done. well, last time what i did 3 years ago was Playfully touch the previous girl’s arm in a movie theatre. she reacted in such a way that it was VERY clear that she did not like that. and then that was over.

with this woman, i couldnt even GET her to go to the movie theatre. but it was confusing to me, since BEFORE, we did used to hang out, go out to dinner regularly, have long in person conversations regularly. then as soon as i got feelts, i couldnt get her to do these things any more. it was as if she READ MY MIND, knew what i wanted to talk about, deemed it too uncomfortable a conversation to have, and then no more hanging out, always an excuse.

so if you get this kind of freeze out where the gurl refuses to talk, BLURT IT OUT at an awkward time, because she won’t let you have a nonawkward time. thats what i would have done in hindsight. maybe after 3 months of struggling unsuccessfully to have the talk, i should have just called her around the holidays or something and been like yeah i know this is a bad time, but whens it eer gonna NOT be a bad time, but heres the deal baby: i have feeltz 4 u, take it or leave it, see ya.

but it is gonna take a LONG time before i am THAT attracted to a woman again. thing is, for almost two years, i felt no spark towards her. i tried to FORCE myself to view her Secsually. but then at some point, the switch was flipped, and then there was no more forcing. then ten months later i find myself in the worst heartbreak of life. sucks.

so what did i learn:

1. that yes i CAN Develop Feelings for a Platonic Female Friend after a Long period of time, and once where there was no spark, there can develop a HUGE spark; and if this can happen to me, it can happen to you too; so dont get skurred if you have a female friend and dont feel anything for her. because assuming she is not ass ugly, you very well may. even after as long as 2 years. the not being ugly thing is kinda important. before, i was like “she’s not ugly, why am I NOT in luv with her, whats wrong with me?” well eventually i fell in luv, and wrecked my whole life in ten short months hahaha. if she was objectively ugly, like 6 or under, i prob never would have got feels, because physical attraction is necessary for true love feels.

2. blurt out your feels in an awkward way if you do not get a nonawkward opportunity to do so within 3 to 5 months, and its clear the feels are real, and are not going away, and are starting to eat away at you.

http://workplace.stackexchange.com/questions/23635/if-i-de-emphasize-my-dropping-out-on-resume-but-highlight-my-achievements-mu?rq=1

http://workplace.stackexchange.com/questions/11333/youre-overqualified-what-does-that-really-mean?rq=1

great they have a workplace stack exchange which shows how competitive and impossible it is to get jobs. a bunch of people with computer science degrees struggling just as bad as me to get jobs, and there resumes and skill sets and achievements are much better.

i have been watching ridiculous BBC mystery programs from the 80s and 90s with my family and that along with the occaisional powerwalk & jog, and playing cards, is the only thing keeping me alive here. when i go to write, or try to sleep, my mind gets obsessed with HER. the obsession and hopefully not growing hate, is very disturbing. i just want to ERASE her from my mind!

i suppose at a time like this, some emotionless, no strings attached, no feelings, secs with some rando broad would be a good distraction. now i understand why women become huge whores when they get THEIR hearts broken by the dirtbag men THEY luv. women get their hearts broken, then go whore it up to distract themselves from their pain, just as i would gladly bang some rando sluts right now, provided they weren’t ass ugly. only difference is, and its a BIG important one, is i as a man cannot get pregnant, therefore its much less dangerous for me to have casual meaningless secs, than for a woman.  besides i dont even know any moderately attractive sluts i could call for a booty call hahahahaha.

but yeah on average women are too promiscuous for my liking. you want to just date some nice 25 year old gurl, but all of them are taken, or they’ve taken 9000000000000000000000000000000000000 cox. they’ve just been with too many men, and IMHO, this is NOT healthy for women. and dont tell me about wild oats, or a PHASE. women have much more to LOSE from secs, secs is much more RISKY and DANGEROUS and COSTLY for women than for men, therefore women should be more CAUTIOUS about it, like they were in the 80s or even 90s hahahaha.

no the cultural marxism that says its ok for women to be sluts was well in motion in the 70s, but IMHO average youngish women were still less slutty in the 70s and 80s than they eventually became in the 90s and 00s and 10s. i mean its just getting worse. you have 15 year old girls doing 4n4l gangbangs now and filming it all on their phones. it is just a race to the bottom of degeneracy, more degeneracy, more perversion, more cox, all at a younger and younger age. kind of like how even pornography is getting more perverted, and more and more perversion is getting Normalized. like how its ok for 15 year old girls to have 4n4l orgies with their classmates, as long as they use protection, as long as its consensual, as long as it feels good!

yeah i dont go in for this degenerate society hahahahaha and just find it hard to develop feels for women who have experienced too much of the degeneracy.

no innocent child sets out to willfully become a degenerate. they are just poisoned by schools, media, bad families, bad friends, and even the children who escape those unforunate things and go to college to become successful middle classfags, well they get a special dose of degenerate poison there.

hahahaha i am just butthurt because i got rejected by a fairly young, qt, gurl, who used to be my friend, but then i got feelings, but before i got feelings, i was worried she might have feelings for me, then i got feelings, then i really wished she DID have feelings, but by that time, she certainly didn’t, and it is eating me alive that she could have had feelings in the past, and i blew it, by not being interested at the right time.

anyway i cant write about her any more today, can’t think about her any more today.

it was affecting my job performance, i could not focus, i could not do my job, and it made things 90000000 times worse that me and the woman worked in the same place. it is very scary to lose all sense of control like that, that you cannot even go through the motions of your job because you constantly see someone you were in love with who rejected you and you were unable to have a mature conversation about it. i am the type of person who can literally never see the person again. i dont want to be friends. seeing someone who rejected me, in the past, caused me to go crazy. and this work environment was ridiculous. it was a really really hard job which required insane mental focus. it wasnt the type of thing where you COULD just go thru the motions, because new weird complex shit was happening all the time. and this thing just pushed me over the edge.

it wuld be different if i had a wife and kids; or if i were above entry level; or if the company ever promoted people (they dont); or if the job was tolerable; or if the woman didnt work there. but the way it worked out was a god damn perfect shitstorm.

my boy ajahn brahm, on ending relationships

meh even ajahn brahm does not give me comfort, although the tone of his voice is soothing. yeah he can find something to appreciate in the worst of murderers. hey i found plenty to appreciate in my “lover.” she was the one who could not find anything to appreciate in me!

the worst is when they USED to appreciate you, and now they dont. you USED to be cool enough for them, now they are totally unimpressed by you and think other people are way cooler. it is very devastating when somebody USED to like you, and you are still basically the same person, and they’ve gotten bored with you, or fallen out of like with you, stopped liking you. that is super duper painful. especially when you, over time, come to like them MORE. while they are gradually liking you LESS. damn. what do you say to that ajahn.

i dunno it was just completely one sided. i had all the feelings. i was the only one who wanted to ever do anything. i was the only one who wanted to talk about the weirdness that was going on. really she had checked out long ago. i was trying to fix something that was already broken and thrown in the trash. only way you can fix something is if the other person is WILLING to fix it. really it wasnt a question of things being broken, well apart from the idea that we just had completely different feelings for each other. i was just a friend that she wanted to to distance herself from; i was just a friend who wanted to get closer to her and become more than friends. i guess it was really over ten months ago as soon as my feelings changed.  i am just butthurt because we could not talk about it like adults. and i get my heart broke, she doesn’t, and gradually this once decent woman will become more degenerate, doing things i never thought she could do, transforming into a completely different person. yeah well i never sold out like that and i hope i never do.

but yeah one sidedness sucks real bad. when you are the only one who wants to try, and the other party could care less, they just want to bail and abandon you hahahhahaha. without even giving it a chance. but then you cant force someone to love you either. however i think you are entitled to want a mature conversation about it.

this is why i firmly believe that when women reject you, they should pay an emotional damages fee of liek $1000, just to prove that they are sorry about hurting you. pay the fee. the toll. show that you realize that actions have consequences. related to this, i think that when you get dumped, you are also entitled to Emotionally Vent to the other person, and tell them everything, and tell them exactly how hurt you are, and tell them everything on your mind, what you think about being dumped. now you’re not entitled to stalk them or coerce them or do any Harm; but this is the price of admission for dumping: you should be willing to hear the grievances of the person you are hurting.  when you hurt someone, that person is entitled to talk to you about how you have hurt them.  so you can attempt to deal with everything in a compassionate, kind, and fair way, so as to reduce harm, and promote acceptance, like ajahn brahm might say.

im just saying that getting thru this might have been easier if my PLEAS for communication were responded do. when you are abandoned like a bastard in a basket, that REALLY hurts. never really had THAT type of pain happen. and that is possibly why this heartbreak hurts worse than any of the others. that and its been a damn long time since a major heartbreak.