may 7

had semi interesting dream featuring woman1, aka woman2003, the first woman I ever went crazy for. she was not the best choice but probably not the absolutely worst choice either. i dont know how slutty she really was. ultimately she had probably been with less than 10 guys, so thats pretty good. no children. college student in Fine Arts, hahaha. she was basically a Hippie and A Painter. Recipe for Batshit Crazy yeah I know. Kinda weird that I fell for a gurl with that personality, I never really did again. But she was nice and friendly and energetic and not super bitchy, not mean or grumpy. and she liked to take MJ and listen to some of the same music I did and was partially in muh social circle in 2003. now she was very cute and maybe established me as a Leg Man, and indeed, That Woman might have been somewhat similar in body shape.

anyway in the dream we were spending the night in the same house but in two different rooms, right next to each other. ideally I wanted to go into her room and make out and cuddle with her all night long. hahaha. but I was aware the more masculine thing, and which women would more prefer, is that I march in there like a conqueror and pound the shit out of her ass like a real man, then maybe I could get some of my precious cuddling afterwards. But I had to establish my dominance as a masculine conqueror, not a sensitive feminine cuddler.

so I went in there and was not nearly as masculine as I should have been. She was friendly to me but she did not see flirtatious or inviting in that way.

Now this is problematic for me, because I find “flirtatiousness” to be overly sexual and SLUTTY. I honestly don’t know how a woman should signal more-than-friendly interest in me without seeming slutty. I am perfectly happy with women being warm and friendly and nice to me. Unfortunately, that doesn’t mean they want to get pounded by, or even make out with you.  i wish it did, though, because I find actual flirtatiousness to be too slutty and degenerate and pornographic! but maybe that’s MY problem, and I just have accept that It Is What It Is.


this is my problem with Tech hahaha. the users of chrome, a big name browser made by one of the biggest tech names, are pointing out a pretty common sense feature request since 2012 at least which has not been address by the company. the best support and response we can get is from an Asian “subject matter expert” who is probably making 1 dollar an hour if that as a contractor for google.  and who doesnt really know shit and gives answers like “we aren’t aware of any feature that does this, if you can’t find one, then it probably doesn’t exist.” thanks google support employee.  but realize this is the answer being given to them by their level 2’s in a chat room. and you arent allowed to speak to the level 2’s.

well could we escalate this and double check for sure? could we submit a formal feature request to the well-paid american google employees?

the feature request is to have an auto-logout of the chrome browser when you close out of chrome.

because you can connect the browser with your google account, basically to import all your history, bookmarks, and PASSWORDS on any computer or phone where you use chrome. home, office, anywhere.

but say you don’t want somebody at your office like your boss or IT Dept SysAdmin to get access to your gmail and facebook and neet virgin despair blog and banking and white nationalist forum hahahaha.

and say you forgot to log off your account from chrom before closing chrome. you know how it says your name on the little box in the upper right.

well, to really “sign off” from this, you have to go into SETTINGS and click on “disconnect my google account.”

ideally this option would be available when you click the little name box.

ideally it would give you a checkbox to be able to disconnect you automatically when you close the browser.

people have been asking for this since 2012 and probably earlier, and it is SO REASONABLE. how could this be too expensive to implement. yet google has given no response to it except a shitty response from an asian contractor making 1 dollar an hour.

PATHETIC. DISGUSTING. SHAMEFUL. This is the biggest tech company in the world, making one of the biggest browsers in the world.  we arent talking about internet explorer here hahahaha.

is there REALLY something i’m missing because I’m not an EXPERT? where common sense is actually wrong because of something weird that only the super trained eye can see? well they are sure not attempting to explain it. and here i WOULD like an explanation. Have someone with a GOOD job (making 40 k a year or more) ATTEMPT to explain it to me. not a 18 year old asian gurl in Customer Service. the customer service should be better trained in the technology so they CAN explain technical things. I don’t blame these poor pathetic souls at level 1 customer service. i blame the managers hahahaha.

for those jobs, customer service is very important…..but so are technical skills. you can be nice and professional as shit but what good is it if you don’t KNOW anything?

and thing is, BOTH these things can be coached and trained and taught. but that takes TIME and MONEY companies are not willing to invest. its actually cheaper to contract a staffing agency AND offer a higher wage to new people……than it is to train/invest in existing people? so just fire the existing people? I guess so. if something doesnt make sense on the surface…..the reason is because its cheaper. cheaper in the short term. that is ALWAYS the answer. Note: what is cheaper in the short term is often more expensive in the long term. So why don’t companies seem to care about the long term? because you can’t have a long term without a short term. so cheaper in the short term is the answer for EVVVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRYYYYYYTHHHIIINNNGGGG.

NEVER FORGET THAT. It will save you a lot of frustration and confusion and anger.

anyway, my dream.

I think I finally made up my mind to go in there and pound her like a man. she was still being just friendly rather than sexy to me, which as I said, i prefer. I wish all flirting were like this. I wish women never acted “sexy” because to me it seems very slutty. but unfort it is what it is, women dont operate like that. anywhere she took her clothes off which i guess is a good sign for pounding hahahaha. but her entire body from her shoulders down to like her hips were covered  in weird colored body paint. i said ummm thats not a giant tattoo, is it? YEP! she responded. huh. so a large part of her body was covered in a permanent weird colors. great. mainly it covered the breasts and stomach area. in a way it was somewhat titillating, but it would obviously get real weird, real fast. great. this isnt what I signed up for. SO i decided I should Hit It And Quit It.

put as soon as I made up my mind to Pound Her Masculinely, she essentially faded away or kept disappearing. As by now the dream had been going on for a while and I was waking up and it was time to end. you know how dreams only last for so long then start fading out. then I woke up. no pounding her ass hahahaha. i had WAITED TOO LONG. SHIT OR GET OFF THE POT.

but at least the woman in the dream was a different woman, and it rekindled my feelings for that woman hahahaha. well shit she is older than me! but I was very young then. she got a master’s degree and got married and hopefully never got above 10 and hopefully is loyal and loving to her husband and is having kids before her uterus dries up soon.  i am assuming the husband is white because it’s a very white name and thankfully she took his last name. no hyphen. no space. no appending. just a full replacement. the way it should be, hahahahaha.

it would have been fun to go out with her for like 6 months and bang her 2000 times, hahahaha. but i was not manly or masculine or cool or confident enough. i was like a peasant gasping in awe before the throne of god hahahaha.

well the only time you should be doing that is when you are kneeling before the actual throne of god hahaha.

well EXCUSE ME because I have always INHERENTLY found something SACRED and DIVINE in the life-creating power of woman.

of course this does not help if they don’t respect and revere that awesome power THEMSELVES. and just give it away to lots of guys when they are young and fertile. like spitting in the face of god.

so this is a great song off the  TON october rust album, a very very goth album but also my favorite of their very goth albums, but not necess my fav TON albums….but its def up there and was influential to me at an Impressionable period of my life. I was in high school and remember countless hours of listening to this album and writing and playing quake hahahaha. that was high school. getting stupid good grades, listening to TON, writing stories and journals, and playing doom and quake hahahaha.  also I got into more degenerate hobbies like porn, alcohol, and MJ starting halfway thru high school. that was the beginning of the end.

anyway the song is a degenerate song about eating a bitches period juice (i think hahahahaha) and a lot of the songs on this album are very Worshipful of Women in a kind of Creepy Obsessive way, but it also combines that with the Strong Masculinity of Peter Steele. Like he would give the woman a good masculine pounding while also loving them in a drink their period blood creepy way. creating the perfect bitches in fishnets and black lipstick gothic 90s album. and this song captures that very well, while  also being CRAMMED with great melodies and riffs. it has since become a bit of a fan favorite and they regularly played it live up to the end i think. It was also featured in the semi gothic vampire werewolf shitty movie underworld I think.

anyway I was thinking MY special calling would be to do a Raw Black Metal cover of this song, with Raw Guitars and drums, and blast beats, and either no or much more low-key keyboards. but that very rocking riff would be played very much the same way, perhaps to bring a “black n roll” feel. Maybe really draw out that riff and make it one of the main focus of the song. repeat it 1488 time with some blast beats some of the time too. probably keep some of the low peter steel style vocals. those could possibly be adapted to black metal.

not that type o neg has anything to DO with black metal! but I am a fan of both. that’s all.

that is my idea of creativity. not writing my own songs, but doing black metal versions of other people’s songs.

this is not inherently bad or uncreative! so I need to stop criticizing myself for not being creative enough. creative musicians are total degenerates anyway.

also TON were themselves known for doing very creative different covers of songs. for example on that same album they do a great cover of cinnamon gurl but one of my favorites neil young. however AT THAT TIME, I had no idea of neil young other than some weird old guy who hung out with grunge f4ggots like pearl jam hahaha. I didn’t really like the song. but within 4 or 5 years I was a huge neil fan, especially the album with cinnamon gurl. and I remain a huge neil fan, so it is great to come back to TON and hear cinnamon gurl with fresh ears.

also TON’s covers of hey joe and paranoid on origin of feces are just great. and yeah I guess summer breeze on bloody kisses.

they do a beatles cover on world coming down but i dont give a shit about the beatles. still. I hopefully never will. fookin beatles. LAME.

well you can find several covers of wolf moon on youtube. nothing black metal. looks like i have found my niche here.

like this qt russian gothic gurl who does piano covers of everything. you can also see her dancing like a gothic slut which I found titilating and had to turn off to avoid the near occasion of sin. also I lost respect for her because its not respectable for a gurl to dance like a slut. but i could tell she did not THINK she was dancing “like a slut.” but she WAS!!!!!!

these gurls might not like sluts, and might not think they are dressing or acting like sluts…..BUT THEY ARE!!!!!!

you shouldnt even THINK of having SECS with a guy you’ve known less than 3 months!

yet all the “dating” “relationships” I’ve had with women have existed ALL within the space of 3 short months!

beginning, middle, end!

meeting, dating, fooking, and ending!

rushing through the relationship simulator!!!!

this is obscene, monstrous, grotesque. go through the WHOLE thing, INCLUDING secs, all within 3 months. you should not be having secs within 3 months. you should be getting to know the person.

so really any time i can have a “rel” with a woman than lasts longer than 3 months…..its rare and i am happy.

its a ridiculous farce how fast this fake shallow relationship simulations happen. i cant respect women who do that. yet 50% of women do do that!!!!!!

just follow the simple rule of: never have secs with a guy you’ve known less than 3 months!!!!!!!!!! period!!!!!!!!!

this is what women USED to do, before they turned into degenerate garbage. so easily corrupted by da j00z.

ive NEVER liked this about women, even when I was a leftist feminist, and I liked her because she didn’t seem Like That, which was SO refreshing!

well of COURSE she didnt SEEM like that! she was in the middle of a very long-term relationship!

and this is how I like women the best. not when they are Single Sluts.

when they are single, they are short-term relationship SLUTS. NO THANK YOU.

how about waiting 3 months before fooking a guy, ya single sluts?

because sluts are good for only one thing, and its not DATING!

so many people have tattoos now, including dumb women, that it takes a REAL badass to NOT have any tattoos!

be like, hahaha loser idiot, i don’t have something stupid and gay permanently inked on to my body! sucks to be you!

i mean, it’s really not my place to judge a person…..but when I am essentially auditioning people to be my wife and mother of my children, then yes I am sort of entitled to judge them, hahahaha.

the standards are a bit more lax for my friends. I have had male friends who have had tattoos or who indulged in degenerate sex with sluts.  i assume they grew out of these youthful phases eventually. well i mean you can’t erase dumb tattoos. you can do super expensive tattoo removal though.

tattoos. jeez. talk about a great SIGNAL eh. signaling, I am a stupid slut who you absolutely don’t want for a wife and mother of your children.

well some people on TRS (ie, decent people who have good values and whom i trust) tell personal anecdotes of they got married to a single mother and it worked out all right. she is a good woman who just made a mistake when she was young and had a baby with a deadbeat asshole. she has been agood wife to me and we had 3 kids of our own and the other kid loves me.

I’m not saying it doesn’t happen. im just saying its a big risk because 50% of the time you’re gonna get a psycho bitch hahahaha.

well isn’t that just the same as all women in general? 50% of them being shit?

well how many women who have had 900000 abortions are shitty? only 50%? hahahaha

you see what I am getting at here. as a group, single mothers are less desirable than women without children. just like women who have never had abortions are more desirable than women who have had abortions. 25 year old women are more desirable than 35 year old women.

measuring out 16 grams of peanuts to make 96 calories. it is a tiny little handful which you could easily eat all in one gulp. then know you can only eat 14-15 small handfuls of peanuts all day and that is the amount you are supposed to eat hahaha.

having secs with a guy before 3 months means you dont take your role as LIfe Creator seriously and that you dont take human life seriously and would probably get an abortion. or ruin your husband’s life without a second thought, and feel no guilt. to be a life-destroying sociopath.

sex before 3 months is an indicator of evil, murderous sociopathy!

THIS is why I don’t like women. hahahahaha.

and it takes a SPECIAL women for me to respect and like her. and I found her. until it ended so badly wawawawawa.

yeah well i just liked her because women seem like nice decent people when they are in long term rels. and then they seem like stupid evil crazy whores when they are single. therefore i should avoid single women and only try to date married women. make them cheat on their husbands hahahaha. obviously this is shitty.

I should have just stayed away from her at the very beginning. because she had a longterm bf. and WHAT KIND OF WOMAN goes making new male friends when she has a longterm BF? would I want my “GF” or wife doing that? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!!!!! but that makes me controlling and jealous. because I dont want my wife to have male friends. SHE SHOULDNT WANT MALE FRIENDS. If I were married, I wouldnt want female friends!!!!!!!!

well its DIFFERENT with women and male friends. women cant just have female friends because EVERYONE KNOWS women dont make good friends but men do.

so why do the women have male friends? because their boifrans are the stone cold men of steel that they luv and who fook them hard, but they just dont listen or talk or show them any interest, so they get that from their male friends?

yep you got it!

so you’re saying women need at least two men?


why can’t they just pick one man who does both things?

because that man isn’t SEXY!!!!!!

but for men, they will certainly be happy with just one woman! the one same women to provide the Secs, as well as to provide the LUV.

why do women separate Secs and Luv so much that they need SEPARATE MEN to provide EACH????!?!?!?!?!?!?!


women werent ALWAYS like this!! so therefore its not necessarily female nature. this has been brainwashed into women by da j00z, and it can be brainwashed OUT of women by Us Huhwytes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i dunno. even when i was really close with that woman, we never had a real in depth discussion about Sexual Morality. I knew she didnt like sluts and she didnt like cheaters……..but how low of a bar is that? cant I do a little bit better than THAT???? No not really, because just look at me hahahahaha. huge loser omega male. neet virgin.

never had an in depth discussion of if she had casual sex, or how pro life she is, or if she really understood the power of her own uterus.

I have never not been nervous when doing a secsual thing with a woman, and I would PREFER a WOMAN who gets NERVOUS about secs too. you SHOULD BE NERVOUS.

A woman who doesnt get NERVOUS about sex, has had TOO MUCH SEX. Pump and Dump ONLY. Replace with a more moral, life-respecting woman, rather than a goddam murderous nihilist sociopath!

50% of all people arent worthy of the responsibility to create life!

for a long term relationship, men look for women who would be good mothers.

for a long term relationship, women should look for men who would be good FATHERS.

this just makes SENSE. basically our main goal is to CREATE LIFE. and our ideal partner to create that life with, is someone who presents themself as a potential good mother or good father. because to be mothers and fathers is what we were put on this earth to do.

go to church. everything just seems very cramped and crammed where I usually sit. i dont like people sitting right in front or right behind me. its all just too close.

this weird albanian or greek or some kind of foreign old man sits directly behind me, as he has done several times. he spends the whole mass making sucking and slurping noises, like he is sucking his teeth. it is very annoying. when he is not doing this he is muttering or whispering something the whole time. i dont know if he is saying prayers in his native language or what.

then I thank GOD I am not as weird and senile as him. nonetheless its very annoying to hear him slurping and smacking and whispering for a whole hour. i had the urge to spin around and punch him in the face hahahaha.  i was distracted by this extremely autistic, extremely skinny young man sitting to the left of me. now that guy was WEIRD. he will NEVER get a gf or become a father. Pretty sure the weird old annoying man behind me has children, I think I’ve seen his ugly son and his hyperactive grandson with him sometimes, hahahaha.

so how come women have babies with men who would not be good fathers?

because theyre NOT THINKING. they just go and play the life creation game with any sexy man, because they FORGET that sex creates life. then they get stuck with an oops baby and the deadbeat runs off.

so I thanked GOD I wasnt as weird and pathetic as these people. maybe I can reproduce with an average woman. MY problem is, I WANT above average. but I am below average hehehe.

like That Woman. She was well above average. somewhere in the top 50%, if not top 35%. out of my league. I need someone more at the 65% percentile. or maybe 35% percentile is what I mean. meaning, 65% of women are Better than this woman, hahahaha. just like 65% of men are better than me, hahahaha. in the mating game at least.

what do they do with the buckets of spit wine that the tasters spit out at wine tastings? just buckets mixed with 9000 different kinds of of spit backwash wine. I GUARANTEE you there are MILLIONS of homeless , desperate drunks who would be CLAMORING to drink this wine. now that’s desperation.

now im desperate and needy for a woman….but I wont go after an ugly 40 year old. I seem to still have some standards or self respect hahaha. I have self respect but no self confidence hahaha.

the top half of women are attractive, the bottom half are not. Being as I am not really an attractive man, I do not deserve an attractive woman. And she was an attractive woman. good looking, young, no children, nice and pleasant and kind and likeable and not obnoxious, bitchy, or slutty. she had a real pleasant attitude, which women don’t have any more, and i can tell you, western men are DESPERATE for this type of “feminine, ladylike” woman. she has the qualities that men are ordering mail order brides for. kind and caring and nice and sweet and motherly. you dont want to punch them in the face and scream YA STUPID WHORE at them for being so blatantly obnoxious and disgusting. she will have no trouble finding and keeping a man. now the onus is on her to find a good one, and not a badboy who will cheat on her or dump her. but that is her tragic flaw, she has a weakness for Badboys.

i just dont like thinking the best woman i will ever know has VEHEMENTLY rejected me in a way that says I am disgusting and horrible hahahaha. not a good confidence builder.  i would totally bang a young cute slut just to build my confidence but of course i should never date someone like that.

im also assmad that she will replace and forget about me, a LOT quicker and easier than I will replace and forget about HER.

How can she be THAT great, and how can I be so replaceable and forgettable?

honestly. i am not THAT lame and worthless! i honestly am pretty kewl if you give me a CHANCE!

and she was starting to give me a chance to really get to know me and show real interest and care for me, which is very rare for a woman to do for me!

so yeah I worry about how hard it will be to find someone who….wont necessarily REPLACE her, but wil be GOOD enough to make me FORGET about her, hahaha. someone new that I get along with really well.

someone i get along with really well, and is good looking enough for me to want to cuddle and make out with. this does not happen every year!


being forced to work on a stupid failure of a project by stupid out of touch management

quite simply, i just don’t really LIKE any women. FORGET about like like, i’m just talking about like!

well thats not true, i enjoy this one woman I see at my weekly social event. because she is a good moral person, actually has a good sense of humor, is pleasant and nice, is very very low number and innocent.  unfortunately I have known her for about 4 years and have never been really close to her and I have never found her very attractive. somewhat stumpy and potatoey. she never went out with men because she was a low number prude. i liked that. eventually she got a BF and it became long term and serious and they will probably get married. good. anyway he is a good guy and I like him too. But I am not feeling like ooo damn should have made a move on her. dont feel any regrets there. I am just happy she found a decent man. not a badboy, but he does have masculine confidence and charisma. the perfect blend. really a good choice for her. anyway she is more successful than me anyway haha. makes more money.

Agile programming says real programmers dont write documentation? documentation is for idiots that need their hand held and arent real programmers.

i hate this shit. document document document not for your other programmers, but the lost souls who have to SUPPORT your shitty bug ridden nonsense software and actually have to talk to people. write documentation for THEM. they dont know how to code. they dont even know how to use your program.

really i just want to smoke MJ. especially when i am sad and lonely. or stressed out hhahaha.

shit. you know who is very afraid of abandonment? not normies! but people with BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.

shit. why CANT normies be afraid of abandonment???!?!?!?! abandonment SUCKS for anyone!

but i guess Borderlines are SO afraid of abandonment that they PUSH PEOPLE AWAY with their paranoid clinginess! and they get really clingy and obsessive, fall obessively in luv!

oh god that sounds like me.

well its not a pattern in ALL my relships. I dont do it with men.

also i never acted out against women really. i would be obsessed and clingy, but i kept it mostly to myself. like That Woman never knew how much I REALLY luved her. then she would have been REALLY scared hahahaha.

Rational Response: I never REALLY smothered women out of fear they would abandon me. I simply wanted her to hang out with me because I was concerned that she was avoiding hanging out with me. I wasnt texting her 100 times a day. At the height of texting, I was texting her once a day and took days off.






how do think this is an ok way to end a rel? how do you think what youre doing is acceptable and ok? how can you not see this is not a good thing? there may be no legal code on how to end a rel the right way, but there are some basics that you should know, that even I know, who has never been in a real rel hahahaha. if one person reaches out and says please dont treat me like garbage to throw away, we had a long term friendship that needs to be acknowledged respectfully…..uhh try to do the right thing and do what theyre asking. ask your older wiser relatives for help on how to do this, even if you dont have a father, your mother seems smart enough to know what to do here.

you might think that you can end a 3 year friendship with the snap of a finger, but you cant. not even for nihilistic sociopath bitches whose only relationships are the farcical machinations of The Relationship Simulator, would be able to tell you that a Three Year Friendship is INCONTROVERTIBLE EVIDENCE, OBJECTIVE FACT, that something important and long term was established here. it doesnt matter that we wanted different things, that i wanted to upgrade and she wanted to downgrade. thats true, but its IRRELEVANT to the fact that there is a three year friendship here that is being DESTROYED. and ANY court of law or court of dr phil hahahaha would agree that you cant just snap your fingers, wave a magic wand and undo/erase/delete a 3 year friendship. EVEN IF that friendship is On The Rocks. doesnt matter. irrelevant. long term relationships just dont die this way. it takes a process, a procedure, it takes time, it doesnt happen over night. it doesnt matter if she wasnt committed and i was. this wasnt a four month Relationship Simulation. it was a Three Year Real Deal. that is a Real Relationship. doesnt matter if its a normal friendship, or a fooking passive aggressive clusterfook where you fook and lie to each other and emotionally abuse and manipulate and betray each other like whos afraid of virginia woolf hahahahaha. at least they had secs once a year and she couldnt bring herself to just walk out on him hahahaha. they had a GREAT rel compared to me and her hahahaha.

you hate him so much? JUST LEAVE THEN. if they dont leave you, they still luv you. and with me, women have had NO PROBLEM saying its over im done and just walking out. absolutely not at ALL willing to put ANYTHING into the rel. feels good man hahahaha. no loyalty or commitment or luv. just im done, its over, im walking out now.

but even SHE should FEEL something, even SHE shouldnt be able to abort a 3 year friendship without feeling ANYTHING.

so if she feels bad….why not do something about it, to stop feeling bad? because she is THAT afraid of Confrontation. avoids it THAT much. she would rather feel bad, than confront me, meaning communicate with me at all.

so does that mean i should contact her through every weird way possible? no of course not. she blocked me on facebook, so i should contact her on okcupid, where she hasnt blocked me yet? also i have no way of knowing if she’s blocked my email or not, the way i can prove that she’s blocked me on facebook. fb is unique in that you can figure out if youve been blocked. email, or phone, you just cant be sure if youre being BLOCKED or just IGNORED.

am i being BLOCKED or IGNORED. hahahahaha. does it really MATTER? this is a joke see. hahahaha. it really doesnt MATTER. its an unknown unknown. in either case its the other persons responsibility to let you know when theyve stopped ignoring or blocking you. and they probably wont want to!

Basically i am allowed to be upset, VERY upset even, that someone i had a Proven, Objective, Factual, UNDENIABLE Three Year Friendship with, decided to end that friendship immediately and unilaterally and very disrespectfully, taking a real, objectively valuable thing, and throwing it in the garbage. therefore, i have a right to be upset. and god damn am i ever upset.

hehehe whos afraid of virginia woolf had a better stronger rel than me and her had hahahahaha ooosh thats bad.

yeah well i thought it was stronger than that. i knew there were issues but i didnt think she was about to PULL THE PLUG like that.

i knew things were in trouble, but i didnt think they were THAT bad. cuz she never gave me an ultimatum or even had a serious talk with me. i welcomed the chance! but noooooo.

so i was NAIVE because i was too attached to her?

theres limitations to this stupid argument. it doesnt let people get away with shitty things just because. THATS LIKE YOUR OPINION MAAAAAN. Thats just your PERCEPTION, thats not Provable Reality. Its only in your Mind. this rel existed only in your MIND, so its YOUR problem, you cant say SHE did anything wrong. cuz in HER mind, there was nothing, no rel.

so, to rebut/refute that, i present as evidence exhibit A, a 3 year friendship.

EVIDENCE. that it was not all in my head. that it was real for her too. maybe timestamps of all the times i hung out with her and things we did for each other.

basically, saying “the relationship existed only in the other person’s mind” does NOT give you license to do shitty things to them. like try to fooking DELETE a 3 year friendship, no strings attached.

dunno. i just hate how someone i thought was muh friend would rather get fooked by diseased dicks, than ever talk to me ever again. so stupid. just because the bitch hates communication.

i am so not equipped to handle this. i wanted to show her, dont be scared of me, im not mad at you, i will always be willing to talk to you. but i AM kinda mad at her. but yeah i still want to talk to her, because i want her, want a chance at her, etc. hate that she would rather get fooked by strange dick than ever see me again, etc.

this is IMPOSSIBLE to get over. i understand that GOD needs to TEST me, but did it have to be THIS hardcore? this test is not making me stronger but weaker and worse.

its also sad that i will have great difficulty finding a woman i get along with better than HER, the person who did THIS. i hadnt gotten along with a woman that well in at least 5 years, she was possibly the closest female friend i ever had in my LIFE, and it STILL ended this horribly. she couldnt even respect me enough to write me an email. she could have even said in the email, ok after this email, im blocking/ignoring everything you send me.

oh its not abandonment because she didnt consent to the relationship, she was out of the relationship, and i didnt know.

I didnt know because she didnt TELL ME!

When you have a three year friendship, its YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to TELL the other person you want out when you want out. PERIOD. PERIOD. FULL STOP. THE END.

Its natural and a part of life that relationships come to an end. sometimes its mutual. sometimes its not.

but yeah the good lord threw this test at me and i just cant handle it. i just want the increased dose of citalopram to kick in. hope to GOD it does. in an ideal world i wouldnt take this stuff. its funny. that woman was staunchly against SSRI drugs, believed they erased your memory and caused brain damage and made you a good goy slave for the 1% or whatever hahahaha. now she was into conspiracies and i am into conspiracies a bit too. and i went through a staunch anti SSRI phase myself. and i am STILL stuanchly against many other types of meds, including female birth control pill, which i believe fooks up womens minds and turns them into sociopath monsters.

but i take muh SSRIs because my mind is already fooked up and i am DESPERATE for something that actually works even a little bit.

the only thing that seemed to work was a close friendship with a woman. that would probably evolve into a Luv thing.

working a bigboy fulltime job didnt help; exercising didnt really help. i was at my most confident when things were going good with HER. which they have not been going good with her since end of year 2014 hahaha.

yeah closure comes from within, but a GOOD DEAL of it CAN come from without. the other person can CHOOSE to make it a LOT easier on you and give you a LOT of closure so that it saves you a LOT of time and heartbreak and pain. and why shouldn’t they. see relationship bill of rights and RESPONSIBILITIES.

TELL the person you want to get out of the rel, try to be gentle to them, try to give them some closure, respect them, respect their PAIN that is in large part caused by YOU. appreciate that YOU are gonna HURT them. dont just SHIRK all this because you hate confrontation. i hate confrontation too. but i would NEVER do this to somebody.

well lets look at it this way. did Bugging Her ever get me what I wanted, ever? when i Bugged her to hang out, she refused to hang out. if i Bug her to give me respect and closure and respond, you think shes gonna respond? fook no!

not that i was super bugging her. and not that she wasnt being ridiculously unreasonable! meaning, i only “BUGGED” her once every 2 weeks, and she kept saying no. no. stupid excuse. maybe later. avoiding and avoiding for 10 months. cant even hang out wiht me ONCE in ten months of me “bugging” her at reasonable, non-bugging intervals. fook me.

shit yeah im going crazy, ever since. and im not ALLOWED to tell her any of this because shes decided shes done with me, and if i come after her saying IM MAD AT U, WHAT U DID WAS WRONG, U SHOULD FEEL BAD, then that makes me the stalker bad guy, and i dont really want to be that.


i didnt deserve this.

2. i will NEVER fully understand this.

3. what IS clear and unambiguous is that she does not want to be in a rel with me. not gonna happen.

4. nobody deserves to be thrown away aka ABANDONED.

5. its not just a matter of perception or opinion. you just cant dispose of a three year relship like this, period. there are roots which go deep.

6. some people are just THAT hellbent on avoiding confrontation of any kind, at all costs, by any means necessary.

7. the avoiding confrontation “explanation” is going to be the best “explanation” im ever going to get here. stop wasting energy trying to figure shit out…..because its IMPOSSIBLE to figure shit out without her cooperation.

8. she could not be LESS willing to cooperate. i directly asked for mercy and she rejected that requested. said no mercy for you.

9. this is legimately sucky and shitty and i am RIGHT to be very upset. VERY upset. she flushed away a 3 year friendship without even talking to me. thats legit objectively preponderance of evidence court of law admissable shitty. i have a RIGHT to be very upset. but i can eventually get over the EXTREME pain and move on with my life, and that is my ultimate goal.


yeah shit i mean i just dont get how i could have SO MUCH to want to say to her…..and she could have NOTHING she wanted to say to me. i had 1000000000 pages worth of stuff i wanted to tell her, get off my chest, just have her heart it. and after a 3 year friendship where i KNOW i was at one time important and valuable to her…..now she s able to throw it away and not have a single word she wants to tell me. and wont respond to me when i ask her to.

yeah just boggles the mind.

i have written SO MUCH because theres SO MUCH i want to TELL HER. boggles the mind how she has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to say to me. not even “fook you, you betrayed me, you liar”. at least then i would know exactly what she was thinking, as WRONG as it would be, i would know where she stood regarding me, other than simply never wanting to talk to me again.

is it because her father abandoned her, and as a close male friend, i also became kind of a symbolic father figure to her? and this was the perfect chance for her to get revenge on HIM by doing the same thing he did to her, on her stand-in symbolic father, ie ME????!!??!

maybe. file that one alongside all the other unprovable theories.

but yeah. that was the thought that came to me yesterday: how could she have NOTHING TO SAY ABOUT ALL THIS? oh maybe she did, but not to me. shes got nothing to say to ME. why the hell not? we were friends for 3 years and youre just gonna shut me out have NOTHING to say to me? at least tell me WHY youre punishing me! people who get punished usually have an idea of what they did. i…..my idea is that she’s punishing me for “betraying” her…..but she doesnt understand that i didnt really betray her.

i mean is it REALLY THAT UNHEARD OF for a man to get feelings for his young woman friend? is that really so out of the realm of possibility? especially when they get along so well and supposedly had a lot of shared values, things in common, similar personalities, etc.


marriage, men, masculinity; using game for the right reasons, ie finding a good decent traditional woman for a longterm monog child-bearing rel, rather than degen sodomy with degen sluts.

ok maybe this is a private topic only, they are doing heavier moderation on the forums now. yeah pretty sure you have to be logged in as a member in order to read it now. and archive.is wont save anything that you need to be logged in for. which makes sense.

anyway. yeah. that was the thing that was bothering me. i have SO MUCH stuff to say TO her, that i want to say to her, but i cant, so i write stuff she will never see, just so i can get it out, and in many cases i end up spinning my wheels in a rut. its just weird that i have SO MUCH i want to say to her, and she has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.  Is that hate? is is disrespect? i dont even know what it is but its not good. i mean if i am mad at somebody, i would want to tell them why i was mad at them, hahahaha, assuming i were better at confrontation. but i dont even really get MAD at specific people for specific things, i generally dont rock the boat and get along ok with people.  except for her.

but yeah if i got along SO WELL with her, then we would have been able to communicate better.

i wish i knew the moment that she was checked out. cuz i didnt think she was THAT MUCH checked out. i thought she would cool off and EVENTUALLY respond to me. because how can you flush away someone you spent 3 years of your life with? i couldnt do that! yet im jealous of the men she DOES luv, i wish i could have her luv ME like that. not want to give up on me. have her be willing to fight for a rel with ME.

i mean one person is building a bridge towards the other person, who is building a wall. both people need to be building bridges towards each other.

theres also the bullshit of women playing “hard to get” and you have to “do all the work”, vs they actually dont want anything to do with you. i think she actually just didnt want anything to do with me. which was hard to accept and impossible to understand, since we “got along so well” for 3 years.

i thought we DID get along better than that though. we DID! we USED to hang out and have good talks.

but it was like she SENSED it the SECOND i got feelings and from that moment, BANNED me from hanging out with her!

but it was complicated because we saw each other every day and talked every day at work. and she responded to my texts outside of work. and prior to this we were outside of work friends. i just wanted to hang out wiht her outside of work like we USED to. i mean the work environment was horrible and i could never relax and have a serious friendly talk with her.

a damn small peanut butter and jelly sandwich has like 450 calories hahahaha.

heh. i cant believe i have to stay to 1570 calories a day just to lose 1 pound a week. i can eat 1570 calories in ONE MEAL. at 1570 calories a day you are hungry all the time except right after you eat a small meal which you kinda wanta eat more!

but yeah its really really hard to leave something unfinished and to accept we will never have an answer. never really experienced this before. in the past it was pretty clear that women were intentionally dumping me and then i quickly moved into a hatred/anger phase, when now i’m MUCH more on a blaming myself / still being in luv with her phase that is lasting forever. but it IS clear she is intentionally dumping me!

but i kinda want her to KNOW HOW SHITTY of a thing this is do to, like i need to stand up for myself and say what you did fooking SUCKS, you should NEVER EVER EVER EVER do that to a person, because it hurts them a LOT. SHAME on you. you need to be punished and spend some time seriously thinking about why what you did was horrible and wrong.

and when i say punished, i mean i would love to give her a good spanking, but that would have an obvious large erotic aspect. like i am spanking the woman i love and fairly getting off to it and afterwards we will live happily ever after.

but as far as physical pain or even emotional/psych torture, i have no urge to like beat the shit out of her or something, like guys who beat their wives to death with closed fists or blunt objects hahahaha. just a good spanking.

like i dont want to do anything to HURT her, i dont want to HURT anyone. but i DO want her to feel GUILT and SHAME for doing a BAD thing. write me a 10,000 word essay on why its wrong. seriously.

and also i kinda want her to get punished by unlucky events in life, and laughing bitterly at her fallen shameful life; especially like getting knocked up by a deadbeat and being a white trash single mother who can’t keep a man and who just can’t pick a damn decent man who will treat her right. like me hahahahaha. she will always pick an Actual Badboy over a Good Guy. and when i say bad boy, i dont mean like a tough guy alpha male good guy like The Don, i mean like deadbeat pill poppers and alcoholics and cheaters and deadbeats and pump and dump types. she literally is not calibrated to pick men who are good for her. again this probably comes from her father. naturally i wanted to save her. it seemed like she COULD be saved: she wasnt too far gone, we got along so well, she was very nice and sweet to me, she hadnt been with too many guys, so lets at least TALK ABOUT the idea of taking our friendship to a deeper level.

but yeah she didnt give me any hints she was gonna do THIS. i knew things were coming to a boil but i did NOT anticipate or prepare for this. i knew shit was in trouble but i thought we would have some sort of argument at least. i did not expect to be abandoned and blocked from all discussion. i expected to be screamed at and called a piece of shit and having a big scene like that. but not this.

well i guess now the good news is that i know how to prepare for this sort of situation in the future: if there is tension growing, address it openly ASAP rather than waiting; tell them what you need to say in person even if they are avoiding you outside of work hahahaha.

see this is such a strange situation because im not some beta orbiter stalking the qt gurl at the office, where the rel is ALL IN HIS HEAD. we were real life friends BEFORE we both started this job at the same time. and then essentially got downgraded from real life friends to work friends, while for 10 months i struggled and begged her to hang out with me outside of work, and she avoided me with excuses rather than just saying no.

so, dont take bullshit like that. say, we havent hung out in 3 months. we didnt hang out for tgiving OR xmas OR new years and i thought we would. whats going on here. what are you thinking and feeling. i want to hang otu with you and i am HURT that we NEVER have any time together.

she might not like me having feelings for her, but i thought i was an important person in her life, and that she would CARE ABOUT ME, CARE ABOUT MY FEELINGS. she had done so before! and when you CARE about a person, you just dont throw them away!

like you know when you are upset or mad at someone you luv. you know that in a few days you will cool off and hopefully talk about your situation. but DEEP DOWN you never  lose sight of the fact that you care about them, you dont want to GET RID of them, you’re just upset at them RIGHT NOW. even when you’re in the depths of anger. you know its only temporary and you need to cool off.

well, unless its one of those things THIS IS THE LAST STRAW! IM LEAVING YOU FOR REAL THIS TIME!!!! the type of people that are always giving dramatic ultimatums at every fight.

well she never gave dramatic ultimatums but what she did was essentially carrying out an unspoken dramatic ultimatum. but there wasnt a PATTERN of this happening either, so that made it harder for me to anticipate it and prepare for it! there was no PATTERN of fighting and silent treatment! this was our first, only, and last major fight!

and also the thought that she would throw away a 3 year relationship over ONE fight. yeah it was kinda a big fight but…….

i was facing her with my arms open, welcoming her to come to me, trust me, be with me, talk to me; she was facing the other way with her arms crossed essentially. and then walked away and never looked back. it doesnt matter HOW open i was to her since she was as CLOSED as a person can BE to me.

ideally both people are facing each OTHER with open arms.

but do women show you any WILL? i dont know if this is agency or what….but YES i think they DO show SOME sort of damn INTEREST or WILL or WANT when they WANT to do something with you: spend time with you, be with you, work on your relship problems with you, talk it out.

heh. i would have been TOTALLY willing to go to a Relationship Counselor. i would be the type begging my Partner to go to a Relship Counselor. and my partner would stubbornly refuse. nein nein nein nein nein nein nein!!!!!

OR………they would not even say nein, they would just sigh ugh, walk away, abandon me, block me, ignore me, ban me, never respond to me, and never talk to me ever again, leaving me to go crazy for the next year at least hahahahaha.