EXCUUUUUSE ME FOR TREATING THE PEOPLE I DO THE LIFE CREATION PROCESS WITH LIKE HUMAN BEINGS

june 3

had dream about a woman, thank god not THAT woman, but that “one who got away” in college and i regret not making an effort with her because she was cute and nice to me and not a high number whore at that time. she would have been fun to cuddle with and make out with and hang out with and maybe have as a GF hahahaha. she was really cute and white as hell. and nice and never bitchy.  and not a high number slut hahaha.

so in the dream she was showing some interest in hanging out with me, but I was very busy for whatever reason, and I was worried that by the time I would be ready to hang out in like a week, she would no longer be interested.

i guess i could have met her for like an hour and said listen babe i am so busy, i got exams and I am applying for grad skool (we were still in Kollige in the dream). I can give you an hour right now but next week we can spend some serious time. I will make you dinner and shit.

well that would be too supplicating hahahaha and she would lose interest anyway.

heh the best way to keep her interest, when you worry she might lose interest in a week, is to just meet with her for an hour in your busy life, bang her HARD, then be like baby, i got to get back to WORK, im an ambitious successful man making good deals, so call me next week and I will bang you twice as hard. see ya wouldnt wanna be ya hahahaha.

that is the proper response to that. of course you’ve ruled her out as wife material immediately because she gave it up to you too fast, because she ALWAYS gives it up too fast. technically its HER fault but a woman would NEVER admit when antyhing is HER fault.

but yeah she was cute, and nice, and not stumpy or potatoey, and had beautiful white skin, very cute face, very nice body, she was always laughing and smiling and never bitchy to me, she liked to partake MJ too. I wish I had just hung out with her, partook MJ, watched movies and chilled with her, before she became a crazy careerist slut over 30 hahahaha.

WELL….I was conflicted, because my male friend had actually dated this gurl around that time. He was done with her by that time and probably wouldnt have minded at all if i wanted to give her a try hahahaha but I just felt weird about it at the time. he was a truly a good guy and I had a good connection with him and i hope he is doing well, and found a decent woman and became a father. I would worry about him falling for a crazy bitch though.

so THAT is my excuse, also I was honestly involved with drama with about 3 other women. no i wasnt banging them. yes they were all rejecting me hahahaha. i did make out with 2 of them though. but I didnt even THINK about this other woman. and so naturally now I worry that she is “the one who got away.”

well she didnt REALLY get away. She only lives 60 miles away from me. except now she’s 30+ and has taken a lot more dix.

hmm. turns on TRS forum has become the Hottest Alt Right forum on the internet and you now need to be INVITED to even sign up. dayum. this just happened in the past month. so you plebs can’t see the posts and you just cant sign up. you need to be INVITED by a full member, like me hahaha.

applied for part time job at local university. this is prob muh #1 dream employer but it is nto easy to get a job here at all.

this is the univ i should have gone to, just got a damn business engineering math degree hahaha. the school is pretty srs, they even offer medical (DO) degrees now. possibly even an MD but for sure DO.

so anyway in that dream, there was no touching or fun. the best was i saw the gurl for like a minute, then was stressed the whole time whether or not i would have another chance. i was not sitting there in the dream hanging out with her for hours and cuddling or making out or anything. just 95% worrying that it was over before it even began hahahahaha.  this is normal for my dreams hahaha. and my real life hahahaha.

ok 6 job applications today. i dont have any interviews coming up and got to get some more in there.

ok you want a phone number from a job i had over 10 years ago. fook you. I will write NA and the program will accept that for the required entry hahahaha.

ya god damn dumb shitty bitch hahahahaha.

hahhaha i used to censor ALL bad words. now i just censor fook. because who gives a fook. your wife has a mouth like a sailor and has had 10000000 sailors IN her mouth.  salty seamen hahahahahaha.

and i can be plenty offensive without saying fook hahahaha.

how about when you want to get out of a long ter relationship that obviously is important to the other person, you tell them SORRY and you say yeah I know it hurts to end a long term rel. we had a significant long term rel and i acknolwedge it meant something to YOU at least, so I am sorry to hurt you.

acknowledge that this relationship meant something to me. acknowledge muh pain. understand that you meant something to me.

i think she DOES uderstand all this. against, its just a matter of cowardice. lack of moral courage.

well, the good news is, once you get used to doing like at least 5 stupid applications per day for a few weeks, it becomes a less excruciating routine. you just accept it and copy and paste and look shit up. it gets easier in other words. no less stupid, but easier.

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAa

here is a great idea:

sometimes job sites limit you to the number of documents you can upload. SO you simply make ONE document with ALL your documents innit.

its amazing the majority of people are employed!

well wait a minute, actually they arent. alot of people are students.

alot more than half the people are making less than the average money per year, which is like 34 grand a year.

oh sorry its like 28 grand in 2011. per capita income. which is like 14 bucks an hour.  which is less than the fight for 15 hahaha.

horry sheet i was making MORE than that!!!! SHE was making more than that! WE WERE ABOVE AVERAGE!!!!!!!

Listen to me! show some remorse! show some sympathy! show that I was important enough to you to do something courageous for ME!!!

that the relationship was important enough to YOU for you to show a little backbone in trying to do the good karma thing. treat ME like i meant something to you, treat the relationship like it meant something to you. cuz i think it DID. it WASNT all in my head.

june 4

yeah its just discouraging and horrifying that somebody can be by your side and totally with you…..and then just detach and distance themself from you. they dont care about you any more. the warmth and caring they once gave to you and which you enjoying so much and was so valuable to you, you dont get any of that any more, and they give it to other people. they could care less about you. and its all your fault because you pushed them away hahahaha. everything is always your fault with women.

this is so disgusting. because like women falsely accusing men of rape cheapening the real rapes, women blaming men for EVERYTHING kinda cheapens those times when men really ARE at fault, and they beat and abuse women. and then kind gentle men who would never abuse women feel horribly guilty for doing something to push a woman away, and they feel like they are on the same level as the guy who beats his wife and molests his children.

i wasnt courageous enough. well she was even less courageous. i was courageous enough to talk to her. that’s all the courage i wanted from her.

oh well you live and learn. live and learn hahahaha. next time i get feelings for a female friend I will tell her. check in early and check in often. tell them about this cautionary tale and say, we should talk about this every month just to check in. it can totally happen and I dont want my life to be ruined again.

i mean i want the person i marry and have chirren with and spend the rest of muh life with, i want to feel about them the way i felt about her. a total, all in commitment. it was an EASY DECISION TO MAKE, because I was THAT certain. I want to be that certain about someone.  its this uncertain one foot out the door bullshit that causes j00ish degen bullshit like open relationships. people treating human beings like objects hahahaha. devaluing human life in every way.

its the man who is always so strongly anti abortion because MEN understand and respect the value of human life. women just see it as an inconvenience to muh body muh choice. muh freedoms.

and she can talk to her co workers and be like yay we have the best team ever i luv all u so much, and not care about me, and let me drown. i used to be more important to her than just some fellow co worker, then I got downgraded from real life friend to work friend. THAT HURTS!!!!! have you ever been DOWNGRADED from real friend to just work friend? it SUCKS. you have a RIGHT to be UPSET about it. it HURTS a LOT.

and you still see the person every day at work so its not like you can avoid them and pretend they dont exist. because you see and hear them every day.

well she thought she could avoid me and pretend i didnt exist, even though she saw me eery day. She was willing to do that. I was not willing or able to do that AT ALL. because I wanted to talk to her, I didnt want to avoid her, plus i could see and hear her. it drove me CRAZY REALLY FAST.  yeah ok i  reacted very emotionally but she COULD have not avoided me like that.

i dont blame her entirely….but i do blame her partially hahahaha.

there is a huge void in muh life and really the only thing that can come CLOSE to filling it is MJ hahaha. I always found something comfy and cozy and intimate and warm fuzzy from using MJ. that was really my relationship simulator, or relationship substitute.

it was a lot better than having some bitch run through the relationship simulator with me hahahaha. cuz MJ can’t leave you and break your heart hahahahahaha. and you can do something long term with it. it will always be there for you hahahahaha.

also i dont appreciate being treated like a Weird Stalker who deserved to be avoided, when I was a Longterm Friend who just wanted to Talk about a Mutual Problem.

now my judgment is off, and i will feel like a weird stalker for wanting something PERFECTLY LEGITIMATE.

heh. my judgment is off enough as it is, especially regarding wimmin.

this loss might be worse than a death, and it might even be worse than CHEATING. cuz there’s NEVER a good excuse or justification for cheating. you can EASILY make the cheater into the bad guy, and hate them, and get your closure that way. that dirty awful cheater didnt deserve me. but when they just leave you….you are left with nothing. but confusion and self doubt. and there are valid reasons for just up and leaving someone, namely they are abusing you or being really bad to you that you just need to ESCAPE them. so you start to think you were like that. you blame yourself a lot more.

sure you ALWAYS blame yourself for being too omega and too phaggy and too feminine and too weak and that MAKES them lose interest…..but this is different than merely losing interest!

also, you can lose interest after 2 months, but its kinda hard to lose interest after 2 years.

2 years is a LOT different than 2 months.

i just want someone to say yes i know this hurts you a lot. your pain is valid. not something like well you shouldn’t be so upset about her. maybe not, but i AM, so ACCEPT it. and dont tell me not to be upset.

its not THAT hard to understand.

i mean shit if i could force myself to not be so hurt by this, dont you think i would have DONE IT?

back on TRS once again. so many great threads there but I dont really want to share them outside of the forum, probably a bannable offense, and I dont want to be banned hahaha.

ok I will post this tho:::::

QUOTE

When people talk about “being in love,” they are generally talking about the 3-18 month period at the beginning of relationships where floods of exciting chemicals like oxytocin, adrenalin, dopamine and serotonin hit people like a bag of bricks whenever they’re around each other/think about each other. People’s brains do this to reduce inhibition so they’re more likely to procreate. “Being in love” is fooking intoxicating and you basically feel like you’re on drugs just by being around another person + sex is usually involved so that’s pretty great too. That said, this altered state eventually subsides and normal thought patterns take over. At that point, the continued success of the relationship is determined by how compatible their interests, goals and personalities are. So after the initial burst of passion period, the rest of a relationship can be defined by a general fondness for one another and the appreciation of a shared partnership and hopefully the cooperative experience of raising children.

tl;dr: love as portrayed in movies is real but it fades with time because its measurable physiological effects are just there to get you to put a bun in her oven. The second stage of love takes a more effort to maintain since you’re not just riding a high together but it’s calmer and really quite comfy.

END

in response to an 18 year old autist asking about is it possible to really feel true luv or is that just another j00 lie.

NO ITS NOT. And its sad that these young men dont know that, because they have never felt it.

but this response, from a proper mature whyte man, is very very good. true luv is real, but its also ridiculous, and you should expect this honeymoon period to end.

MY issue is, it never did. with me there was never any secs involved or the shit ended well before i was ready. well before the 18 months. shit i wish they DID last 18 months! the FEELINGS certainly lasted 18 months, but the “rel” ended WELL before that.

well shit ok i am past the 18 month mark from when i first fell in luv with HER, which was like in sept 2014. now it is june 2016 and i have made some progress hahaha.

 

Advertisements

MJ IS A GR8 VOID-FILLER

may 3

knowing WHY she chose to ignore me wouldnt help any because its still not justifiable, theres still no excuse, its still wrong. an apology would be a good start though. but….when have i ever abandoned you. youve already abandoned me once. yeah thats scorekeeping but this is a pretty big thing. not as bad as cheating, but still very hurtful. not the type of thing you IGNORE. you have to address it head on and not pretend it never happened. of course the person who DID it would like to pretend it never happend.

she would have to be willing to apologize, AND spend a lot of time together, AND honestly WORK to rebuild the trust, AND show me a lot of luv and loyalty, AND be my monogamous luver. she cant say lets just be friends NOW. not that she has hahahaha.

yeah yeah i mean i understand her circumstances and personal issues that caused her to react this way, and I probably forgive her, BUT, IM JUST SAYING, if she wanted to resume contact with me, we would have to DEAL WITH what happened. because its not the type of thing you CAN ignore. when people talk about “scorekeeping” and balance sheets, they mean relatively little things. I did you a favor last month, now you owe me a favor this month.

this does NOT apply to BIG DEAL things, like abandonment/desertion. Also cheating. now abandonment might not be a “betrayal” the way cheating is…..but it still severely damages TRUST. how can you trust someone who abandons you when you need them the most?

well ive been a good guy and not bothered her. i dont want to say respect her wishes because i dont respect them. i just know that if you bother a woman when she doesnt want you to bother her, then you look like the bad guy, a stalker, raepist, evil man.  even if you are just trying to hold the person accountable hahahaha. and i said yeah youre wrong and stupid and horrible and this is horrible and youre doing a horrible thing, and youve broken my heart and should be wracked with guilt for the rest of your godforsaken life, and you ruined my life hahahaha, but if you dont want to talk to me, then I wont talk to you.

but just in general. show some respect for human LIVES. dont throw people away. dont replace people. dont exchange people like a pair of pants. respect peoples feelings. when they say stop hurting me, stop hurting them. when they say dont abandon me, dont abandon them.

also she filled a very special role in muh life where now there is a huge void, and i dont like that void!!!!!!

the special female friend void!!!

there were some very important FIRSTS for me, like this was the first time I had gotten feelings for a female friend. This was the first time that my feelings got deeper over the long term. normally I drift away from women after 2 or 3 years and dont get feelings for them and am not DEVASTATED when it ends!

and it was the most substantial, important, long term rel I’d had with a woman in a LONG time.

the older you get, the less likely you will be sharing any “FIRSTS” with the woman. she got those out of her system 20 guys ago, when she was young. first love. first long term rel. first fooked up the ass. first heartbreak. first person she told some secret too. first person she abandoned. first person she was willing to fight for. nope. none of that for you. you are just the 20th guy where she might be your FIRST In a couple important things. oh she is your first long term rel? oh well, she’s already had 20 long term rels. you’re nothing special.

she’s very special to you, you’re not special to her at all. real good for the confidence, hahaha.

just treat me like i was a little more special to you. I know I was at one time. and then you became more and more special to me and i became less and less special to you. damn.

anyway i mean nothing to say there, nothing will change, it is what it is.

you wanting out of the relationship, thats fine. but that doesnt ABSOLVE YOU of the RESPONSIBILITIES of the relationship. You have to abide by the RULES of the relationship even though you want OUT of the relationship. and common sense rules tell you, dont throw a person away like a piece of garbage. tell them you want out of the rel and accept that your decision hurts them.  pretty common sense here hahaha. even i, the least common sense person who ever existed, knows this.

hehehe its like being stabbed in the heart and dying slowly. and how can you be a happy productive healthy person when you are dying slowly from a stab to the heart? you cant. you have to slowly die, then be born again. maybe after staying dead for a while hahahaha. even christ stayed dead for 3 days.

so i say, die slowly for 9 months, then stay dead for 9 months, then you should be ready to come back to life.

i was at the megamarket where i buy my prepaid phone card and they said they no longer let you buy those at the u-scan. I had already Rung Tender all of my other stuff. so i said ok. some customers would have given a hard time. I wasnt about to do that to the poor old 60 year old white man making 9 dollars an hour. So I just put the card aside, finished buying the stuff, put the stuff in the car, came back inside, got another card, and waited in a long line for a human cashier, who was a 50 year old white woman making 9 dollars an hour with a long line of fookin idiots who would probably bitch at her for “why dont ya open another lane.” like its her fooking decision. like she wouldnt want them to open another lane. i smiled and was a model customer. so you have to buy cards from the cashier lane now. new policy. i wonder if thats because of theft? fraud? this store only? which stores? I did not bombard the poor cashier with these questions. no doubt there was some manager hiding out back smoking cigarets. thinking about how many more lanes he could close.

go to shrink today. once every 3 weeks.

i dunno. I just think women should be kinder, gentler, more decent, less SHADY. not fooking so many guys, not doing such egregiously hurtful things. little white lies are fine. but cheating is too much. abandoning is too much. being a easy low-price slut is too much. try to make your father proud of you. but none of these gurls have fathers. fatherless whores.

white people acting like n1993rs. no fathers. white trash. shameful.  white n1993r5.

also when you are dating a guy, why the hell do you need so many close male friends? your man is RIGHT to be jealous. oh because they listen to your problems. yeah well female friends could do the same. or your family. or if you were like me, you’d be begging your GF, pleeeeease baby you can talk to me about our problems! i’ll do whatever it takes to fix them! please talk to me! and then they leave you for one of their many male friends, hahahaha.

yes MJ can fill voids in your life. I think it would help fill the void in my life right now. it is a great void filler in a way that alcohol is not.  also helps you sleep at night and not toss and turn with Worry.

it is a very pleasurable Ritual that is very much what I imagine sharing time with your loved one is like. like cuddling your waifu. the act of preparing and enjoying your mjfu.

welp went to the shrink and basically the whole time was me blabbing about the recruiter offering me the job at the call center. mentioned how I was jealous that that woman had better coping skills than me, and could handle tough jobs better than me. she was tougher and stronger than me. and she doesnt want to associate with a loser like me.

so yeah didnt really discuss that aspect.

that of course is just a weapon i can use against myself. i have no idea if she thinks i am a loser. besides what does what SHE thinks mattters. we are DONE. but i dont want to be DONE, so what she thinks DOES matter to me!

hehheh but she doesnt care what i think about her. just stay away.

basically i dont feel too bad about turning down the one job. too many red flags hahaha.

but I HATE thinking she doesnt want to talk to me because Im a huge loser.

hehehe other people talk to me even though I am a huge loser!! Im not a BAD INFLUENCE On THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

saw a very cute gurl in the shrink waiting room though, but she had to be 18-20 and was with her mother hahahaha. no chance for me. she was a very large tall big boned girl, which I like sometimes. not fat or anything. but her pants were probably too small and i could not stop staring. I thought damn if I could spend some time with HER I would get over That Woman REAL fast.  I mean I almost got aroused right in the waiting room. I am NEVER that attracted to women. unless they are young 6 foot 18 year old gurls hahahahaha. the blond hair and beautiful pale white skin certainly helped.

i should have introduced myself to both her and her mother at once and asked the mother if i could date the daughter, even though I am like 12 years older than her hahahaha and a total loser.  she is in high school and i have been out of college for 10+ years. is that normal?

well I have heard of this guy who’s like 40 whose dating an 18-19 year old gurl. pretty good. everyone thinks thats weird though. hes a weird guy though. very beta. gets devastated when women dump him and then doesnt date again for 10 years hahaha. sound familiar hahaha.

but yeah i wanted that huge young gurl to sit on muh face and also me to just have intense S with her and just grab that big body hahahaha.

i dunno. its just the first time i had this transition. where once we were good friend, and now shes TOO GOOD to hang out with me or talk to me. very hard feelings. i have drifted away from MANY people. this is completely different. alot more painful hahahaha. a LOT. first time with such extreme, incomprehensible pain.

tried Famous Daves Devils Spit spicy BBQ sauce. I give it 2 thumbs up. Its not super thick, a slight bit runny, but that’s fine. it is quite spicy indeed. I have been eating Stubbs Sweet Heat which is much less spicy, and much thicker. I think I prefer the Devils Spit. Both are better than the Open Pit Original I had had for a while and got tired of. Theres a time and a place for that, but I can’t see being in that mood again for a while. The Famous Daves is very good. glad I tried that.

but yeah i hate being given up on. a parent that abandons their child is a bad parent. a husband that abandons his wife is a bad husband. a friend that abandons their friend is a bad friend.

so what is when a former friend abandons a former friend because they dont like that their former friend got feelings for them? they say, well i don’t owe them any courtesy, because THEY killed the friendship FIRST by getting feelings! they violated their responsibilities of the friendship FIRST, therefore I dont have to live up to my responsibilities! THEY killed it!

well its obvious a gray area, but I think common sense would prevail that Getting Feelings is complicated but not inherently bad, while abandoning / pulling plug, unless when you are escaping an abuser, IS much more inherently bad. than getting feelings for a friend.

it makes it confusing because its not like we were Luvers. so really the closest thing to it is being abandoned by a friend. yeah. i mean it would really be worse if we were actually fooking (because thats all dating is hahahaha) and she disappeared.

so yeah, the closest approximation here is being abandoned and shut out by a friend. but a little worse becuase i had special feelies.

https://www.quora.com/How-do-I-stop-being-sad-about-a-friend-who-abandoned-me

https://beta.theodysseyonline.com/an-open-letter-to-the-best-friend-who-abandoned-me

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/relationship-and-family-issues/abandoned-by-a-close-friend

http://life.gaiam.com/article/how-overcome-feeling-abandonment

QUADS. i got QUADS again hahaha. i get QUADS like once a week. this is ridiculous.

 

RELATIONSHIP BILL OF RIGHTS AND RESPONSIBILTIES

feb 1

wow. i really gotta get out this rut. this is no way to live. this is not healthy! i would not recommend this. time to get a new shitty job, go crazy, and quit in a Huff, mving myself even further down the career ladder. i dont move up the ladder with time, i move down it hahahaha.

i grew up having a very negative opinion of women. in short, they were mostly bitchy, dumb, slutty, disgusting, stupid, mean, obnoxious, annoying, awful, scheming, hypocritical, immoral, sneaky, lying, cheating, evil. you couldnt possibly like or respect these pigs. they literally had no redeeming qualities except for the secs they sluttily gave away to every man except YOU hahaha.

probably because most of my friends had bad experiences with women and werent big fans of them either! and that rubbed off on me.

also women seemed intimidating because i didnt know how to talk to them, how to deal with them, and i didnt like how they all had secs with guys so QUICKLY. that seemed like a big deal to me, and i thought shit if youre the one who can get pregnant here, you prob wouldnt have a problem with waiting amirite?

i had muh first crush on a girl in 7th and 8th grade when i was 13/14. that was a bad choice because she was a mudshark slut. yes you could be a mudshark slut at age 14. how disgraceful! but she was a Bad Gurl who liked very Bad Bois. the badder the better. i have no idea why i liked her. prob because she was real purty. i felt that it was disappointing that she was such a bad gurl. i kinda wanted to save her and turn her into a nice gurl hahaha.

then i went into my women hating phase until like age 20/21, when is the second time i develop actual feelings for a woman. and they were very very very strong, and disrupted muh whole life. i didnt know how to deal with them!

in the interim i made out with 1 gurl when i was about 15 and i had VERY mixed feelings about it. i kinda felt pressured into it, that she wanted to do it more than i did, but i just went along to Gain The Experience, but i wasnt particularly HAPPY about it. i was kinda ANGRY about it for a couple years! also she lived like 50 miles away. maybe if she lived nearby i could get to know her as a person.

by age 20/21 i was completely off the track and should have took a hiatus from college at age 20, started intensive shit with a shrink and meds, gone teetotal from alcohol and MJ, stayed at home, got a shitty job, and finished up college at close to home U, pref in STEM hahahahahaha.  but nooooooooooooo i soldiered thru my useless degree and continued all my bad horrible habits.

i became sort of friendly with some women at age 20, but it was not until age 21 that i made my first decent actual official female friend. that was a positive move. also at that age i first pseudodated a gurl. and we rushed through all the beginning stages of a “rel” in a very short time, leaving me confused and sad and angry and disappointed and crazy hahahaha.

i made some more female friends at age 22.

anyway not sure what my point was. probably that its pointless and a bad idea to hate women unless you actually have some female friends.

even as women were dumping me and disappointing me and i should have really Hated All Women, i didnt really, having female friends was really useful in keeping me from hating all women.

you see, i didnt really LIKE hating all women! i didnt WANT to hate all women! it was GOOD for me to have female friends.

now, there was a little bit of drama…..but that was because i had fallen in LUV with a friend of my female friend. so i completely lost muh mind. the regular DRINKING did not help at this point. i should have just stopped drinking and been like ayyyyy baby wan sum hang out lmao and gotten rejected that way, instead of drunkenly pining for her.

MY POINT is, its not fun or good or healthy to Hate Women, and its a lot easier to not hate women when you actually have some Woman Friends. in fact, this will go farther in curing your womanhate, than actually dating or getting feelings for a gurl . cuz that shit always ends badly. with my female friends, well the ones i didnt fall in luv with, it never ended BADLY. we just drifted away as friends often do. but no hard feelings.

and it sucks to think of somebody you were in luv with, you wanted to be with forever, now they are giving dat secs up really easily and quickly to other guys, and that makes you sad, angry, and disgusted. because its none of your business. but i say you are still entitled to your opinion that she should not be a disgusting whore!!!!! and entitled to be hurt when she is. even if shes done with you. becuase you are not quite done with her. you are still in luv with her, still want her. who knows when that is gonna be over.

2% milk has 120 calories per cup, whole milk 150.

yeah i have reading reddit relships all day to convince myself that i did nothing wrong and that she is out of line.

well i admit i was cowardly and weak. but that it wasnt THAT bad. i mean its hard to have a hard discussion. give me a damn break. i wasnt trying to AVOID it. i was trying to confront it, in my weak way. i was hinting an signally heavily, and trying to hang out. she was tyring to avoid everything.

i dunno i dont like to be treated so disrespectfully. its very disrespectful to be Thrown Away Like Garbage!!!! can you understand that?!?!?!?!?!

its not so bad if its a random stranger. then you can just say fookin asshole and never see them again. but when they were once your friend, a good friend, and they do this……its LIKE a betrayal hahahahahah.

plus her throwing me away like garbage is WAY more disrespectful than me getting feelings for her.

i didnt think she had such little respect for me! so that was shocking! shit she used to have a lot of respect for me.

i have never lost this much respect for a person! i dont even know how to relate to that! well except when women dump me and go be huge sluts hahaha.

https://bu.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/43mn60/my_19_m_girlfriend_20_f_of_almost_2_years_broke/

hmm i almost wrote a response to this guy but he deleted his story and i cant find a cache/archive of it hahahaha.

nothing TOO exciting, i just sorta related to him. young man and his gf dumped him. not in the worst way, but not in the best way either. i wanted to use it as an example of, yeah this isnt the worst dumping, but women should aim to dump a lot better than this.

how are they so stupid and UnEmpathic that they dont know or dont care that they will be causing a person Great Pain?

how are relships such ugly, disappointing, tragic, heartbreaking, insane, Wrong, Clusterfooks??!?!?!?!?!?! cant people get along better than this? just use a LITTLE common sense. i would treat a person way better than this.

therefore, it is WOMEN who are at fault for all the Sorrow and Badness in Bad Relships hahahahaha.

https://bu.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/43mukg/my_19_m_girlfriend_20_f_of_almost_2_years_broke/

http://archive.is/uq1hT

FOUND IT! he crossposted it in relship advice as well. and i archived it for all eternity hahahaha

what i would say to him: yeah she COULD HAVE shown you even LESS respect by cheating on you….but she SHOULD have shown you a HELL of a lot MORE respect tho, by taking into account your feelings about being dumped, and being nice but decisive in dumping you.

IMHO, when you agree to a rel with them, you OWE IT TO THEM, its part of your RESPONSIBILITIES to them, to dump them gently and kindly and compassionate, if it reaches the point where you want to dump them and they want to stay/work on the rel….and you want to get out.  its like an early termination fee. the “fee” is simply BE NICE. BE KIND. BE GENTLE.

i would NEVER treat somebody like this unless i HATED them. i would never HATE them unless they made a concerted effort to push my buttons. i wouldnt hate somebody for getting feelings for me. i know you just cant turn feelings on an off at will, for any random person.

i hated one guy because he trolled me on our views of the world and became the most annoying faggot you wanted to punch in the face repeatedly.

i think thats how i made her feel hahahaha.

to her i became a really annoying faggot she wanted to punch in the face repeatedly.

damn.

punchable faces hahahaha.

that might be the best word for how she felt about me. the reaction i got out of her.

but i really feel if she took 5 minutes to think about it like an adult, she would see how ridiculous that is. why couldnt she give me that courtesy after the years together? are all women this childish and stupid and obtuse and unkind?

its totally immature, like something a 14 year old would do.

and in some ways i am very very emotionally mature, like a 14 year old: i get feelings too fast and too strong, i get feelings if i have secs or make out with or even cuddle with a gurl, and get way too attached to them too fast.

but i think this is a more positive way to be emotionally immature, than in the bad way, were you are paranoid and throwing tantrums and hate people for shitty reasons, and cant even attempt empathy, and are all hot and cold with no in between.

i mean she has empathy too, ive seen her use empathy, shes empathzed with ME before! just in this SITUATION to have her get so bipolar, was weird as hell, and caught me COMPLETELY off guard.

some woman on TRS forum said to be attractive to women, you have to TAKE REJECTION WELL. I thought this was stupid because a. nobody takes rejection super well b. if a woman rejects you and sees that you arent really upset….then what? is she gonna revoke her rejection? probably not. and if she did, that would be stupid and shameful and not the type of woman you want to be with.

so in other words, when That Woman rejected me, she probably hated and disrespected me EVEN MORE when she saw how upset and devastated and hurt I was.

i dunno this makes women seem like SADISTS, just shoveling hate and misery and suffering on men.

it did not seem worth it to autistically argue this one point with the forum woman hahahaha

well i took THE PREVIOUS REJECTION PRETTY WELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I TAKE REJECTION AS WELL AS CAN BE EXPECTED, WHEN THE WOMAN MAKES AN EFFORT TO BE NICE ABOUT IT!!!!

why WOULD you reject someone in the meanest way possible?  because you HATE them?

why wouldnt you TRY to be nice or sympathetic when you are rejecting someone?

why would she not even take 5 minutes to THINK ABOUT THIS and how what i did was not some evil horrible thing???????

what the hell did her friends and family say when she talked about it with her? surely they cant all be as fooked up as her! unless she lied to them and said “UGH hes been creeping and stalking on me for months. he KNOWS im not interested but he still doesnt TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER!” and then they say “well dump that creeper to the curb gurlfran, you dont owe him an apology lmao”

cuz she seemed pretty reasonable and thoughtful, and her family did too, such that if she were making a horrendous Lapse In Judgment, they would steer her the right way. and i believe this was a Horrendous Lapse In Judgment on her part.

yeah yeah yeah a tale as old as time, but im not used to it happening to me, from a person i really didnt expect it from.  it shattered my confidence and made me think, hmmm maybe i really DID do something awful to warrant this. i dont realize it but i still stabbed her right in the back and she is just showing righteous anger now. i am reaping what i sowed, even though i didnt realize i sowed it.

so yeah its a long process trying to convince myself that i am not reaping what i sowed, that this was a YUGE lapse in judgment on her part.

but what DID she say to her family and friends? that i was just being a CREEPER WEIRDO and not taking NO for an answer? how much would they have pushed back on that? I”LL NEVER KNOW. Like they could ask her, well did you TALK to him about this? did you tell him you dont want to hang out, or do you keep telling him later, later, later? do you think maybe he likes you? dont HATE him for THAT. hes not a bad guy!! try not to break his heart when you dump him, he’s not trying to hurt you. hey maybe even give him a try, he would treat you really well, you could do a lot worse, you already know each other and get along. you knew this guy for almost 3 years and used to be good friends. dont just throw him away like a piece of garbage, he’ll be devastated, and thats just bad karma, not a cool thing to do to anybody. think about it. if he had any choice in this, why would he pick a time when its bad timing? did he write you any emails? oh a couple long super long emails? did you read them or just delete them? this isnt some random weirdo. remember not too long ago you were telling me what a good person he was. so treat him like that.

ok fatclub. hopefully TRUMPENFUHRER wins iowa caucus. is there one winner for each party?

whos worse, bernie or hillary? probably hillary hahahahahahahaha. bernie admits he is a j00ish socialist hahahaha.

AND if she told me WHY she couldnt just talk to me….oh because i BETRAYED her. i would STILL want to talk about THAT.

well i dont agree i betrayed you.

well i think you did.

and you think I will be able to convince her i didnt betray her? I, as the accused betrayer?  I would need a damn independent tribunal. 3rd parties. which i why i wanted her to talk to her friends and family. shit i should have Reached Out to her friends and family at the time. i thought about contacting her mother. i met the mother a few times and she seemed to like me, and i guess the woman used to tell her mother all sorts of good things about me. if i were personally closer with the mother, i probably would have contacted her!!!!

but i just wonder what The Woman told her mother, and what the mother said. I will NEVER KNOW.

its really hard to say!

maybe there was no talk at all. or it was like, yeah, were not getting along so well right now, we are drifting apart, not as close anymore, oh well that happens, thats life.

i just hate thinking this will happen again: that i will accidentally do something HORRIBLY WRONG an drive the woman of muh dreams away from me;

and also worried i will never feel that way about a woman again. i am getting OLD, and i dont like older women, and i dont like casual sex women on the websites.

heh. i thought I WONDER IF SHE IS ON TINDER then i saw you couldnt browse tinder without a smart phone.

i actually went to tinder with the intent of looking for HER. confirming that she is putting herself out there for casual sex.

anyway i hate making mistakes, HUGE mistakes, without even being aware that i am.

and if this is the LAST woman….damn.

i wish she hadnt made me feel like i royally screwed up.

but no one can make you feel someway without your permission.

but…..when they treat you like you did something horribly wrong….they are kinda making you feel you did something horribly wrong. and in at least 50%, they would probably be RIGHT!

essentially i am being falsely accused hahahaha. i dont know how this feels. it is so confusing and disorienting.

cuz sometimes….its RIGHT for you to feel bad, its not a matter of you “giving permission to let someone else make you feel bad.” its because you really did something bad to them, they are upset at you, they should be, and you feel bad.

and you SHOULD listen to the people who you care about and who you thought cared abotu you. because their perceptions of you matter.

so when someone who mattered to me a lot thought i was a awful piece of shit…….i was hurt, and i felt horrible for hurting them.

heh. they should have KNOWN that i would take this hard. they should have thought hmmm he will prob be hurt by this, probably should tread lightly. not be EXTRA HARSH.

well really extra harsh would be her TELLING ME all sorts of shitty things like “i hate you, you did this to yourself, you made me do this, youre horrible person,etc” while dumping me. really she was just too afraid of confrontation.

she might ahve WANTED to be nicer to me, she was just too SCARED to.

I WILL NEVER KNOW.

and because i was obsessed about handling the rejection like a man….i did not contact her 90000000000000000 times afterwards. i contacted her like 4 times. i begged a little bit but not too much. i didnt bombard her with so much shit, to FORCE her to say “stop harrassing me, i am blocking you, if you stalk me im getting a restraining order” etc. she just blocked me on FB and she may have blocked me on phone and email, no way to confirm that.

just watching iowa caucus instead of going to fatclub. i came in under muh calorie goal anyway so thats good. on muh BEEF DIET hahahaha. best shit ever.

but yeah so disappointing. she could have just sent a message and said this will be the last message, im blocking you after this, but SORRY SORRY SORRY, i didnt mean to hurt you. and that would have saved a decent amount of pain.

ITS REALLY NOT THAT HARD. it seems like it would be HARDER to do what shes actually doing. i mean the guilt would eat me alive.

but she is good at avoiding confrontation. yeah i keep forgetting she does have a red flag that she is able to just throw away her responsibilities and run away in shameful ways. its sad cuz she can do better. but stupid when you are on the receiving end of that.

i say she has nothign but yellow flags but this one might be a red. not going to go into detail here hahaha.

0202

gotta when you get up in the morning say: i definitely did not deserve this. i did not do something horribly wrong. they have made an EGREGIOUS error in judgment. they got me wrong, and they did me wrong. it was a horrible misunderstanding that will NEVER be resolved.

just dont like poeple being WRONG about me.

also i dont know if she felt betrayed by me, or she just wanted to GET RID of me. maybe she does feel bad. she is not a horrible person, but when she is forced to make a difficult choice, she has a tendency to break down and NOT do the right thing. a good person who makes horrible, regrettable choices. it really is kinda tragic but i cant save her from herself. unless she lets me. which she wont. hahahaha. ok have fun either having mud bastards, or becoming a crazy old catlady. and if you have a kid you will prob not be good mother hahahaha.

she has the potential to be a good mother, but also the potential to be a bad mother. its hard to tell. she might decide its too HARD to be a good mother and then just neglect her children and emotionally abandon them. is that the kind of woman i want to be married to, having my children? FOOK NO!!!!!

its similar to a woman having an ABORTION. its a convenient, expedient, super effective, but very morally ambiguous (and i would say, very immoral!!) “Solution” to a “problem”.  and probably the woman doesnt feel HAPPY about it, might even feel long term guilt or conflict about it, and they arent angry or hateful or feel BETRAYED by the baby theyre killing.

but yeah if you can just GET RID OF a PERSON, its kinda like KILLING them! except here, you’re still alive!

its weird being metaphorically KILLED by somebody important to you! it sends the message that your LIFE isnt very important to them. at least not more important than their feelings of discomfort.

she has the capacity to do the right thing and be a good person…..but when it comes time to make some real important decisions…..she CHOKES and does NOT rise to the occasion.

i mean i am the same way. i know how to be a good person but its so HARD, and i have made bad decisions just because i was too WEAK to do the right thing.

i dunno you could still send a messenger to say to me, she doesnt mean to metaphorically KILL you. she feels real bad about this and wants the best for you. even THAT would be a step up.

RELATIONSHIP BILL OF RIGHTS AND RESPONSIBILITIES

  1.  I have the right to be not thrown away like a piece of garbage when you decide to get out of this rel.
  2. You have the responsibility to not throw me like a piece of garbage when you decide to get out of this rel.

hahahahahahahah ayyyyyyy lmao.

i mean just show a little Respect for the Dignity of Human Life.

Dont Throw PEOPLE away like GARBAGE.

dont date / have secs with more than one person at a time.

this is all very r-selected behavior. we HAVE to be better than that. I want to be better than that, and my topkek m8 also wants to be better than that. choose k-selection. dont be like CRAB PEOPLE. crabs in a bucket. rat race. no. each of those squirming rats are special and have dignity. treat them as such.

also if youve known someone for 3 years, then its even WORSE if you throw them away like garbage.

this is very different than a mutual drift away, where BOTH people dont want to put too much effort into the rel.

but appreciate that this person you knew for 3 years has feelings and their feelings will be DEVASTATED if you do this to them. and then make an effort not to do that to them.

so next time some catlady dyke bitch gives you shit about ENTITLEMENT, show her the Relationships Bill Of Rights And Responsibilities, and say, and say something like, is it ENTITLEMENT to have a REASONABLE EXPECTATION that the person will not treat you like a piece of garbage?

is it ENTITLEMENT to think you deserve not to be Abused?

is it ENTITLEMENT to think you deserve to be Communicated With?

really the feminist antimale cat lady is just the Jury Of Women in my Head. the internal self critic. saying you dont deserve this and youre not entitled to this, but you DO deserve to be thrown away like garbage, because you were a horrible person to her.

went to shrink today, shrink agrees that i am not a horrible person, but shoeld have discussed that a bit more hahahaha.

how is it SO HARD for me to CONVINCE myself that i did not deserve this?

well because that woman and her opinion of me was important to me!

but yeah. she REALLY could have done a LOT better. how disappointing.

so….what do CHEATERS deserve? what do ABUSERS deserve?

this is the kind of shit i obsess over. even though i never cheated and i damn sure never abused.

well abuse is probably worse than cheating.

and abandonment/ghosting/throwing you away like a piece of garbage is…..better than cheating? worse than cheating? its probably better than ABUSE. idunno. its seems really neck and neck with cheating! at least cheaters usually pretend to show remorse and beg im sorrrrrrrry baby ill never do it again! and then they do it again.

what about abortion? where does that go on the bad things scale. worse than abuse? worse than cheating?

well i would THINK its worse than abuse, its damn killing a baby!!!!!! hahahahaah

now the jury of women says: but thats oversimplifying, and as a man, i have no place to talk. its just a nonsentient clump of cells at this point AND its a very humane compassionate choice, to spare the future child a life of hardship.

if you talk about “AGENCY” that is a DOGWHISTLE that you a shitlord racist hahahaha. because that means you are Punching Down on Oppressed Groups by Blaming the Victim, and by IMplying that Oppressed Groups had Agency in preventing or doing something about their Oppression.

Because Agency is defined according to the people in power (cis white men hahahaha) , Cis White Men Oppress Oppressed groups by taking AWAY their agency! so to say they still HAVE agency is denying that white men are oppressing them!

redacted

gr8 thread. beta autist 19 yo young man on my racistforum has a date with a Chubby Guatemalan and the talk gets REALLY real.

 

IF U CAN DEAL W A WOMAN, U CAN DEAL W THE TOUGHEST CUSTOMERS

1218

yeah shit is stupid hahaha. 123, 157 days. 140 median hahahaha. i have definitely made SOME progress. “fear” i am becoming generally woman hating, yes all women are like that, ie, they will just sell you out, leave you in the lurch, dump you, disappoint you. and i dont like womens actual innate female nature: hypergamous parasite opportunists always tyring to climb up, will dump you in an instant to get with a more successful man, leave you in the lurch, sell you out.

and you cant get mad at them for wanting resources and power. they need a mans help because they get pregnant and have to raise keeds. cant hate them for that!!!

well i say they could be NICER when they dump you. they may not like us beta men but they dont have to be so damn hateful and brutal to us! and if they find a man who is good enough for like 5 years and at least 1 kid…..dont dump him for someone marginally better!

i have heard that “old mgtows” from 10+ years ago still tolerate nonmarriage rels with women, on their own terms, ahve not closed the door to women.

but the New Mgtows are more extreme, are into shunning women altogether, and building artificial wombs, etc, because they are inherently opposed to Womens Eternal Nature: the dumping and hypergamy and leeching and destuctiveness to society and family basically.

how can someones human nature be so bad and destructive? so men create, women destroy? this does not sound “complementary” in the way we say men and women complement each other!

and then i thought well yeah because female nature has become completely unleashed, uncontrolled. it needs to be TAMED and kept inside pandoras box, and thats what a strong patriarchal society used to go. channel womens power into something that WAS productive and constructive. but you remove that and they become like crazy schizophrenic mass shooters spraying death everywhere hahahahahaha.

but get them married and children young, and they might turn out all right.

besides, woman2012 treated me all right when she dumped me hahahaha. and she was a traditional minded, conservative gurl with a good father who she was very close with. it matters hahahahah.

SHE was really the perfect woman, hahahaha. she was really TOO GOOD for me!

maybe she viewed ME as a father figure (woman2015 imean, aka that woman.) this actually makes a LOT of sense. i was 5-10 years older, i came across as very chill and wise yet also caring, would listen to her and give moral support to her, and also was not secretly in luv with her. or so she thought hahahaha. so when i did fall in luv with her, it was like your FATHER suddenly falling in luv with you, which would of courshe be weird and scary and betraying. so you just abandon and abort them hahahaha you are totally justified in doing that. no of chourshe youre not. you shouldnt do that to ANYONE. having Daddy Issues or Men Issues or Abuse Issues or Trust Issues will make it more likely for you to do things like this, and kidn of explain it……….but it doesnt make it RIGHT.

muh job was like a football game or some kind of sporting event. now i dont care about sports but just listen. the athletes spend more time PRACTICING and TRAINING than they do out on the field actually playing games. and even with two well trained teams, sometimes teams perform so bad or so well, that there are big winners and big losers who get blown the fook out. BTFO.

at job we would get blown out every day because we were eseentially all game, no practice. so you get destroyed every time you go out there. becuase you dont know what youre doing.

however your opponent isnt playing the same game and rejoicing when they defeat you. here, the “opponent” is you customers/clients/callers, and they WANT you to perform well, but you cant. you are untrained and unprepared and dont know what youre doing.

quite simply you need a lot more training, and more of a gradual ramping up for new people rather than throwing them in the deep end.

but that would involve Intensive Training, Slow Ramping, and Not Throwing a person in the deep end. all these things are very expensive and companies ahve found that they dont really need to do them. because the best, strongest employees will just figure it out.

well what about us weaklings who have a hard time in the deep end, and are thrashing and flailing attempting not to drown? well you figure out how to swim, or you drown. swim or sink.

well i know some women who have abortions feel guilt for years later. so maybe she will feel guilt for YEARS for Aborting Me hahahaha. well the big difference is, im not dead. she has the power to unabort me. unblock me. i made it VERY clear in my creepy wall of text tldr emails, that my door will always be open to her. meanwhile she slammed closed and locked and fortified her door closed against me. also its prob not good that my door ALWAYS remains open to her, but uhhh i was desperate and begging. and im no longer begging but i am desperate hahaha.

i like taking Scenic Drives ie not on the freeway. which is the antithesis of scenic.

heh. i hope she thinks of me and feels guilty whenever she sees the people at job i was friendly with. of course i dont really hang out with them any more. maybe they became friendly with her. i hope not hahahaha.

the fatclub hahahaha. there are some strange people. like the arab guy who always gets right next to me and talks on the phone loudly over the noise of the treadmill despite the sign that blatantly says dont talk on your phone here.

or another arab guy, i think its a different guy, who gets right next to me and makes weird noises and sings along with the arabic music in his headphones, loud enough so everyone around them can hear him.

hahahahaha youd think with the Rising Islamophobia (hahahaha) they would be more cautious. but no they have enough numbers to feel comfortable being annoying obnoxious arabs in public.

maybe it was albanian, i cant tell when they are singing. when they are just speaking, sure. also he looked more like an arab than an albanian.

then there is another arab looking young man who has some sort of Problem, either super autist or just plain Retarted, who makes shrill high pitched squealing noises really loud that sound like a little baby girl. at first i thought it was just an obnoxious child not being managed by their single momz (i dont think children are allowed in the fatclub thank god!), but the other day he got closer to me and i saw it was a young man with Obvious Problems in the Brain. also i think we was squealing “I LOVE U!!!!!” to random strangers. so i retrained myself that whenever he squealed, instead of getting annoyed, i was THANKFUL, and said to myself “THERE BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD GO I” hahahahaha

you HAVE to have thick skin and know how to deal with tough customers and how to swim when you are thrown in the deep end. but these all seem like unsurmountable challenges.

i have great respect and envy for waiters. i see 21 year old boys and girls running back and forth dealing with dickhead customers and i am like no way could i do any of that. i get confused just watching them. how do they do this. these are extremely valuable skills that should get them a better job later. and if i dont have those skills then how the hell am i supposed to get an ok job. i dont even want a good job but just an ok job hahahaha. 12DAH and low stress. its not like im ever gonna get a wife or children hahahaha.

later

just trying to replace a headlight bulb but the owners manual is shitty as fook. the people who built the car wrote a shitty manual. you need goddamn third party consultants to write a better manual.

i said that my job involved writing a manual for the manual so i knew how to do all the stupid procedures in our “manual” that were……..not well described to begin with. but this car manual is even worse.

it doesnt tell you how to remove the clear plastic headlight cover. at. all. looking at vidyas on youtube you discover you need an 11 mm socket wrech to get these little bolts off, AND remove the front bumper to get at a hidden third bolt. none of this is in the manual.

so thank god for youtube right?

but then i find another youtube video that SORT OF shows you know to replace the bulb without removing the bumper.

also i had thought about trying to pry off the cler plastic with a screwdriver. that would have been a bad idea but you dont know that at first! you just encounter resistance and you think, hmm do i just need to pop this off, OR if i really force it, is that going to fook it up and break it. yep its gonna break it.

when it seems the better way is to go in from behind the housing, than to come at it from the front. none of this is in the manual.

so right now im writing the manual for the manual so i ACTUALLY know how to do it. and thats what i found so frustrating about our job. but i guess i should have been thankful to have ANY manual at all! well, its true lots of stuff just was not in the manual at all. like it didnt even ATTEMPT to cover some issues.

anyway i dont like female nature. i dont like what women are. hypergamous parasites and destructive destroyers. degenerate rejectors, sellouts, traitors hahahahaha. day of the rope. you cant respect them, trust them, or like them; but you arent SUPPOSED to respect, trust, or like them. you are SUPPOSED to be powerful and manly enough to attract a woman and earn her loyalty, and also keep her in line. if youre not strong enough to keep a woman in line……..you dont deserve a woman!

so its very rare when i like a woman As A Person. almost never happens. and i liked HER as a person. a likeable woman? talk about rare. so she became extra special to me. to appreciate a woman as a decent person rather than a disgusting secs object that its unfortuante that you have to be attracted to but can never attain?

sure i sound like a woman hater but i dont really hate women they just annoy and disgust me by being sellout whores. and when i become friends with women they see that i am a decent non hateful person. it only really makes me angry and upset and mad and sad when women i like and care for disappoint me or hurt me.

SHE COULD HAVE BEEN NICER. JUST BE NICE. PLEASE DONT ABORT ME. PLEASE BE NICER TO ME.

playing super high stakes holdem now. about twelve times bigger than i would like to hahahaha because its the only table with any players. i got AA and raised preflop and was got no callers. be very lucky to break even on muh buyin here. the minimum buyin is twice the maximum buyin i usually like.

ok just lost mad money i and dont think i played a single hand all the way through.

going to urban dictionary and voting down all sex positive defintions of “slut” and upvoting all the contemptuous definitions meaning that being a slut is UNdesirable hahhahaa

1219

yeah the big problem now is just the feeling of incompetence, like shit i cant DO anything. tell me to do something and i will get confused and stupid and cant figure it out and need too much help.

but this is false. at my job i needed some help but i didnt need TOO MUCH help. those people they laid off within 1 month hahahaha.

if you have to MANSPLAIN to a woman why being a slut is wrong and bad……..she’s never gonna get it. use her for short term secs and nothing more. use the thickest strongest condos you can get even if she begs for it raw dog. not only are these women horribly promiscuous but they are stupid and unsafe and have plenty of raw dog secs!

its like standard fookparty and gay psychos bug chasing who WANT to get “poz loads” and intentionally get AIDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! they turn getting aids into a secsual fetish!!!!!!!! how fooked up can you be?????!!?!?!?!

so women are similarly fooked up by just giving their uterus away, FREQUENTLY, to SHADY men who probably have herpes at LEAST, AND not insisting on condos, so they vastly incrase the risk of getting preggers, and at LEAST getting herpes, etc.  wtf??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!

so yeah if you have to mansplain some so common sense…….bitches be cray, avoid this woman, except for secs, assuming she will let you, the “THIRSTY BETA”, have any hahahaha.

dont hate the thirsty betas! we cant ALL be confident alphas and get secs!

i dunno. maybe pretend to be a SJW so you can bang a crazy slutty SJW gurl, and you will have enough disdain for their way of life so that you dont ever come across as desperate or thirsty or pedestalizing, therefore you can bang her as much as you want, until you get BORED of it. have you ever banged a girl so MUCH you got BORED of doing it? i didnt think so hahahaha. that is something on my bucket list for sure.

yeah that would boost up the confidence. if you can deal with a WOMAN, you can deal with the toughest customers, wiht the strangest situations, with confusion and uncertainty, act like a real man.

anyway it sucks to really like a woman, then they do something shitty to you, and you CANT like them any more. then you kind of hate them. then you kind of hate all women. until you find another one you like, who doesnt fooking leave you in the LURCH. and borderline damn BETRAY you hahahaha. she betrayed me a lot more than i betrayed HER!

did she think i was her father figure? maybe. and fathers dont fall in luv with their daughters. well i never saw her as my “daughter” figure. however i DEFINITELY felt my PROTECTOR urge come out for her. like i want to protect her from harm and pain and make her safe and happy. white knight, captain save a ho hahahaha.

normie sheeple get really excited about the new star wars movie. i just dont even care. i dont understand how this could be an important thing in anyones life.

world record speed clapping

but this guy on the clapper commercial has a better style imho even though hes slower

well, i mean a father protects his daughter, and a man protects his wife. every MAN has some sort of PROTECTIVE instinct towards women, especially daughters and wives.

if you get that instinct towards a woman, good sign you have real feelings to her. random women i could care less. go fook yourselves into oblivion. although i feel not great about white women throwing themselves away. i cant stop them. if i am in a position to, then….. i dunno. will i get feelings for any white woman i am close to? probably, if they are in their 20s, have no children, and are not shaped like a fat potato.

bonus points if they are 25 or under, are actually sort of cute in some way, and especially if they are not a slut, and think being a slut is bad.

honestly. yeah i know i am a huge loser beta but you didnt have to do THAT, you coulda been a little nicer. i was an even bigger loser beta with the previous woman and she was nicer to me.

maybe she thought i was Too Old to be interested in a young gurl like her?

well her main boifran was like 5 years older than her! maybe 6! and i wasnt THAT much older than HIM!!!!

so yeah. i dunno. i hate that its all my fault because i was a weak pussy and women Just Hate that. you have to be strong and dominant AT ALL TIMES. that would be NICE, but…….i didnt show THAT much weakness to her anyway. i was jsut caught off guard to see that she would be willing to flush our whole friendship down the toilet. i dont have a ton of experience being friends with women either. but when i do, i never fall in luv with them. this was totally new ground for me. but its not rocket science. just try to be nice and communicate. but not be weak. so i couldnt handle her shit tests?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!? no not really hahahahaha.

so i am gonna fall apart whenever some gurl gives me a SHIT TEST?

well she wasnt just Some Gurl to me! she was a friend i knew for 2 years!

when there is a woman in our political / social movement it is exciting for us “thirsty beta white knights” who both pedestalize and hate women hahahaha. so the rise of sinead mccarthy is kind of interesting. people verbally brutalize her for being a Flat Earther and a Coal Burner Mudshark and an Idiot. well flat earth is stupid and

i dont know if she responded to the coal burning rumor. there are pictures of her socializing with blacks and or hugging a black guy hahahahahaha well all white gurls have hugged a black guy. problem is they think secs is as casual as hugging hahahahahahaha.

here is the infamous MW xmas hangout which i was happy to be in the chat room with Big Guy 4U like sargon hahahaha. but other actually kewl people like pale hominid and wife with a purpose were in there too. maybe sinead mccarthy can get in on one of these hahahaha MW is doing 7 of them. he should do at least 1 a month imho.

anyway yeah is sinead really being put up as a waifu figure? how many of us are lonely loser virgins? some guy on TRS forum made the great point that when you have an actual 3d gf, it makes you less of a desperate “thirsty” white knight to other women cuz you actually have an actual woman in your life hahahahaha. i wonder what that feels like. prob pretty good hahahaha. confidence building.

yeah 2015 was definintely a good year for sinead, lots of attention, david duke, red ice, shiksa goddess, etc. she does have a white child so that is good. and yeah i would totally bang her even if she is old hahahahahahaha. no she is probably younger than me hahahaha.  did she say she was 26? then everybody in the chat balked at that and said she looked older. oh well. i would still bang her. but how crazy is she. some say very. well if she were showering me with attention and warmth and secs and loyalty, i would probably fall under her spell hahahaha. wonder what her traditionalist white husband is like. how much he makes. he is probably a big masculine huge viking type hahahaha.makes 100k + a year as an engineering project manager then goes out and does Strongman shit hahahaha. NO im not claiming he actually does. just spitballing. and he’s probably well above 6 feet hahahaha. 6 foot 3 at LEAST.  anyway yeah i like pale white nonfat girls with long purty hair.

so yeah

just spending the holidays in MW’s livechats hahahaha not even really listening to the hangout, but watching the ridiculous chatbox

it is pretty exciting, really on the cutting edge here.

but yeah sucks being a jobless failure at life and quickly becoming a huge neet shutin hahahaha

cant become a real man, blba bla bla

HOW CAN U HAVE A GOOD REL W SOMEONE WHO ABORTS U WHEN U BEG THEM PLS DONT ABORT ME?

december 17

yeah i mean its ridiculous. i think things ARE actually improving with the simple Passage of Time, the Time Heals All argument. well….really things are starting to FADE, not by a LOT mind you, but by a tiny bit. 1%. 1% in 122 days of no contact, so, therefore, i should be 100% over it in about 12000 days hahahahahahahahhahahahaa. yes thats like 35 years. shit 35 years and i could probably get over being violated by bubba.

but yeah contacting her wouldnt set me back 122 days but it would set me back more than i need. 30, 60 days maybe hahahaha. because it makes her more fresh and real in my mind. makes her a part of my real life again, even if she doesnt answer. i still really contacted the real her and thats enough. thats more real than just obsessing and ruminating about her all the time even. eventually i will get tired of that. but NOT if i contact her!

also seeing them is a kind of contact; and looking at their facebook is a kind of contact; and lastly, asking people who DO see her about her is a kind of contact. i do not do any of these hahahaha. i mean i have had a total BLACKOUT of her for 122 days, and it is starting to show tiny benefits. tiny gains hahahaha.

stuff like, i cant fix her issues. it doesnt take a brain surgeon to figure out how to act in this situation even if shed never been in it before: JUST BE NICE. TRY to be nice. dont just block me and run away. I. Cant. Even. maybe she didnt feel BETRAYED, she was just scared or I. Cant. Even. and essentially ABORTED Me.

maybe she didnt even feel BETRAYED. it doesnt relly MATTER. the end result on me was the same.

and it doesnt matter WHY she did it. i have pretty good theories. but the end result was the same, PLUS she refused to talk about why she did it, so………

yeah.  this is all the closure im gonna get hahahaha.

blocking me on fb was the Kindest thing she did for me because it sent the clearest message: Im BLOCKING You, i dont want to even LISTEN to you, dont send me emails or texts or try to talk to me because i will not read/listen to it.

when person A BLOCKS person B, you think person B has the power to remove that block?

can person B convince person A to remove the block by BEGGING?

so yeah i forget about the facebook block because i deact fb because it was all too much to take, but it does help explain things, and is honestly actually literally the clearest message she “communicated” to me about all this: dont try to communicate with me, beause i will not listen. whether thats out of fear or anger or confusion doesnt really matter, cuz the shit is still happening.

http://www.campusreform.org/?ID=7093

social justice discussion placemats so you can educate your racist family about hwite prvilege and institutionalized racism when you come home for crimbo from harvard and have to see your racist uncle hahahahahahahahah

yes this is actually happening. it was pretty bad when i was in kollege 10+ years ago and its getting even worse. the sad thing is, i bought into it, because i thought its what smart, successful, educated people believed, and i was just desperate for Acceptance and Friends and to be Liked and for just one of these thousands of cute gurls to hang out with me hahahahaha. i was young dumb and full of jizz hahahahaha. i understand that now. part of why i am such a huge right wing reactionary traditionalist racist now! someone to make up for the idiocy of my youth.

drinking coffee and stomach is gurgling and water faucet a55 hahahahahaha

actually had an interesting social incident yesterday. went out to play trivia which is my main social thing, and one of our team members, who is a great guy but also a very stubborn smartass who is not afraid to give shit right back to people, made smartass remarks to a nearby group who were being loud and obnoxious and gay. they continued to escalate and he is very good at pushing buttons and making idiots like this extremely mad, or maybe they were just extremely big idiots, yeah probably. then that group kept bitching and making remarks about our group the whole time, loudly, trying to escalate with us, that we were faggot motherfockers talking shit and being bitches. i mean this is the type of shit that easily turns into A Physical Fight Outside.

and i am such a big beta pussy that i have never been in an actual physical fight, and this is one of those things that builds a mans character, makes him a real man, makes him successful with life, jobs, and women. if you never have a fight, you become a failure like me hahahahaha.

nonetheless i was not looking forward to a fight! the idea made me anxious and pussy.

but they left soon after and the guy came up to our table and got in the face of our team member and said “if i ever see you again, i’m gonna put a BULLET IN YOUR HEAD” to which our guy said “ok thanks.” and then another guy from their side spilled the pitcher of soda that was on our table, which i got the brunt of, and they left.

it was all pretty ridiculous but also exciting and entertaining. the bullet in the head remark was interesting because most “normal” people would just say “if i ever see you again, im gonna KICK YOUR ASS” but no, this guy was all abut the bullet in the head, which has a heavy implication of Death which “kick your ass” does not.

also it was disturbing that these were white men around 25 years old. and their cute gurlfrans of course. this is how you pull cute white gurls. by acting like a black thug essentially.

shit yeah im a racist. i would almost expect this crude, barbaric behavior from nonwhites, but not from whites. we whites can DO BETTER THAN THAT.

anyway i just hate the god damn feeling of being incapable and incompetent and cracking under pressure and not being able to do a damn job………let alone a serious normal job of a normal 30+ year old man, with a wife and kids. i mean thats the general yardstick for me. i sort of wanted to be happily married by age 39 and with 1 or 2 kids! with the stable gainful job to be able to do that! and the idea that that will not, can not happen is a bti dreadful! although i still have some years to go before 39 hhahahahaha thank god. if i really got my act together, maybe i could still do it. change my attitude, practice Game, seek out a nice traditional woman, get masters degree of business hhahahaha, get a solid 18DAH job, try to find a small house not in a nonwhite drug crime ghetto hahahhaahaha. also the poorer whites get huge into drugs too, painkillers mostly. drink booze, do painkillers, threaten to kill other white people for mere shit talking, bang white trash sluts who bang all sorts of guys, nobody has fathers, or their fathers are all drugged deadbeats who beat their children, just white trash with filthy souls hahahaha. whites who act and live like blacks hahahahaha. and not the good kind of blacks. but the thuggy tyrone ones.

what about the black losers who are offended by what i say? well you dont really need me now do you. i would say join the men’s group at your local black church. assuming they are not all captain save a ho. find a nice black gurl who isnt a sheboon whore and have a tight knit black family where you dont abandon your children. in fact its ok if you dont have children, or get a damn vasectomy!

i would support our fedgov giving ….. 5 grand? to young black men to get a vasectomy hahahaha. well what if theyve already had 5 kids by age 20 hahahah well easy you give them the vasectomy at age 13 hahahaha

shit looked at that persons linkedin page. this i think is not as bad as fb becuase, no pictures, no updates, no nothing, she has 0 connections. really i am looing for any updates. like new job, new connections, fixing the atrocious spelling and grammar and logical mistakes in her profile, putting words together that dont belong together and dont make sense, spelling errors, hahahaha yet she is much more successful at life and will make much more money than me!!!!!!! she is my competition! i compete with men and women for jobs, and with men for women hahahaha

she has issues with Men, period. because of her father, and her mother being unable to pick a decent man; and men doing men things to her; she hates men essentially! unless she is in luv with them, or they are Ghey. but she does NOT know how to dump a man or reject a man or deal with men who like her when she doesnt like them. she just aborts them.  maybe to Project the inferiority she felt when men had hurt or rejected her in shitty ways.

whenever shes ended things with a man, its NEVER been “good.” when the guys initiated it, it was bad. i think her main boifran was terrible at communicating. so now she is terrible at communicating too.

techincally its not hard. you just be nice and say what you want to say honestly, but in as nice of a way as possible.

ok fatclub tiem

122/156, avg 139 days hahahaha.

went to fatclub, got 9 miles, i can now jog longer than i used to but it doesnt feel like a huge accomplishment. the sweat soaking muh shirt feels like more of an accomplishment. also i am not a fan of jogging in general because its not good for your body longterm and will destroy your legs and knees and joints and ankles and feet and give you chronic pain and shit hahaha. so, use the elliptical then. well i tried it once and did not like it at all. it LITERALLY did not let you go slower than 5 mph. and i like to go slower than 5 mph a lot of the time!

think about this: in GERMANY it is ILLEGAL to HOMESCHOOL your child! also in sweden; and netherlands. and greece. and liechtenstein. there are other european countries where it is illegal but these are the “less important” countries and ex soviet countries hahahaha. basically the point im making is, finding big first world powers where homeschooling its illegal. yes its legal in UK. legal in norway and denmark and finland but NOT sweden.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homeschooling_international_status_and_statistics

hahahaha

tfw you will never be able to homeschool your children because you will never have children with a decent woman who agrees with you homeschooling is good, and if you did by some miracle meet a Cool Girl like that, you wouldnt make enough money to allow your wife to stay at home with several children because both you and your wife need to slave away for 15 DAH and put your 1 child in daycare 50 hours a week with molesters and psychos and degenerates and terrorists if you just want to have 1 kid! but in reality you are an unemployable neet whos best hope is a 12dah customer service job! and no that job wont be easy to get, but will take 10 years to get.

anyway the big epiphany for today was that idea that i was ABORTED, that this what this is most analogous to is AN ABORTION. i mean: when a woman has an abortion, she doesnt say OH YEAH I LUV MURDERIN MUH BABEEZ, they feel they are between a rock and a hrad place, have to make a difficult decision, and they are really doing it for the good of the child, who they could not have been a good mother to. i dont think they understand HOW HORRIBLE of a thing they are doing because The Left has done a great job in making the culture very abortion friendly. and gives a bunch of rationalizations for women to help them feel better about something that is even worse than they think.

and yeah they still feel regret and shame afterwards. not surprising!

anyway it doesnt mean they HATE their baby or feel BETRAYED by the baby or they Love Murder. they just want to Get Rid Of The Problem in a quick convenient way, and its easy to RATIONALIZE why its not Evil Murder.

so she doesnt have to hate me or feel betrayed by me or whatever, she can just Abort Me from her life. and boom i am dead and gone.

the people that do this need to become skilled at Rationalising their horrible decisions, as well as Avoiding and Ignoring things. sweeping them under the rug, forgetting all about it.

so yeah its like an ABORTION and probably involves the same confusion, cognitive dissonance, rationalization, excuse making, that women tell themselves to lessen the guilt of killing their baby hahahaha by convincing themselves they are not in fact killing their baby, but SPARING the life a FUTURE unhappy child, but right now its just an embryo of cells, so better to get rid of it now, when its hardly developed and you cant really call it a human anyway. and yeah thsi is unpleasant and i dont want to have to do it again so i will be more careful about Secs. or not hahahahahahahahahahahahaha

but yeah it helps a woman develop her skill at getting rid of things, rationalizing them, and forgetting about it. you can get rid of all sorts of things: Embryos, Lovers, Friends, Family.

so do i want to be with someone who ABORTS me?

does someone who ABORTS me show any willingness to be in a good decent healthy loving rel with me?

PLEASE DONT ABORT ME!!!!!!!!!

how can you have a good rel with someone who ABORTS you when you beg them PLEASE DONT ABORT ME?

 

EASY WAY OUT

106

LETTER:

i just wish you hadnt taken the easy way out, it really hurt my feelings. i wish you had shown more empathy and realized that dumping me this way was going to really hurt me, whereas dumping me in a more friendly way would spare me a lot of pain. i thought you cared about me more than that. you used to. when someone cares for you and stops caring for you, it hurts a lot. i dont think you were “faking it” earlier either, i think you really did care for me.

i know i was weak and pushy and annoying, and i know that lots of women simply cannot care for a man like that, but i thought you could remember what we had. that you had known me and wouldnt want to hurt me excessively. but this just feels like getting my heart ripped out by someone i thought i knew and trusted. it really hurt to see you change so much. to go from being a warm nice caring person, one of my favorite people, to someone cold and distant and uncaring and even mean to me. that was just too much for me to take. i appreciated your niceness to me, i liked it, and it built me up, made me feel good and happy. when you stopped being nice to me, i was crushed and devastated.

and i really dont think what i did was bad enough to justify this. either me beign pushy, or me getting feelings for you. neither one of those was bad or abusive or horrible enough to justify being cut loose like dead weight, like somebody you never knew.

at the same time, i am the type of guy who always wants to blame myself. what did i do wrong? how did i push you to do this? i was definitely pushy. so i caused this. i ruined my own life. if i had just acted differently, this would have been all different. i am filled with doubt and questions and self blame and guilt, like i just made the biggest mistake of my life, but im not sure exactly what mistake it was.

but deep down i know that its not 100% my fault. but its hard to shake that feeling. and when you end it this way, by dumping me completely with no communication, that increases the feeling like it was 100% my fault, that i alone could have changed this.

but thats really not the way relationships work. each person has rights and responsibilities. each person “controls” 50% of the relationship, has a 50% share in it. i made mistakes but i think you made mistakes to. i am more than willing to admit to my mistakes and to apologize for them. it does not seem you are willing to do the same. it is like you are trying to make me the bad guy, and that hurts me a lot, because i am the type of guy who would believe that. i can very easily believe that I was the bad guy, that it was 100% my fault.

I think in an abusive relationship there can be a bad guy and a good guy. many times the abuser will try to blame the abused for the abuse, and this is never ever right. (“See what you made me do!  I wouldnt have to do this if you would just behave! dont make me beat you! this is your fault! it hurts me when you make me hurt you!” etc).

so part of me thinks i was that bad guy. but another part of me thinks that the problems were more split between us, and the way we communicated with each other. we communicated very well on many issues, but on several important issues, both of us avoided communication.

for example, our feelings towards each other. neither of us were eager to talk about that openly.

that changed when i got feelings for you. then i was much more willing. i wanted to talk about it then. thats why i was always bugging you to hang out. can you understand how that type of conversation is better had in person rather than thru email, text, or phone?

i legit thought we were gonna hang out and i was gonna tell you about these feelings. i fully expected all that to be done by like october or november. but our hangout just kept getting postponed. i felt like you never wanted to hang out. i would ask you to hang out and you would avoid it. this became a pattern and then many months had gone by with no hangout.

tension was definitely starting to build and i should have just said what i needed to say. so that was my mistake. instead i kept pushing you to hang out. i know you told me to back off and i did try to back off. but after a while i couldnt back off any more. i needed to talk about this.

i am the type of person who needs to get my point across with words and not with signals alone. i was trying to give signals, but i needed to make sure you understood exactly what i was feeling. and for that i needed words, i needed talking and verbal communication.

relationships end, its just a fact of life. sometimes both people want it to end. but in situations where just one person wants to end it, and the other person doesn’t, it gets complicated. its a fact of life the person who wants to stay in, is gonna get hurt. there is no way around that. but the person who wants to end it, can make an attempt to spare the persons feelings during this hard time. i really dont think i was such a horrible person. i think i deserved having you attempt to spare my feelings even just a little.

i know you are going through some tough times with family. i hope things get better or you at least stay strong. i wanted to support you through these times but maybe you dont want my support. that is up to you. just realize that when you reject me it will hurt my feelings. i just thought you would care more about not hurting me. that is what empathy and friendship is all about. you might not completely understand the person, but try not to hurt them. do no harm. treat people as you would like to be treated.

you have gotten thrown away like garbage by people you cared for. abandoned, cut off. i know that broke your heart and made you feel horrible. please dont do that to me. you of all people know how horrible it feels. you are a better person than that, a kinder person. and if you do need to abandon somebody harshly, dont do it to a friend you knew for 2 years. its a bit more acceptable to do this when you dont know the person. but you know me and i know you. it feels like a piece of my heart has been ripped out when you removed me from your life like this. how could i go from beng a good friend to being a piece of trash? i annoyed you and was not a great communicator. does that really make me a horrible person?

i was begging you for mercy. its strange. cuz you used to be merciful to me, and i would never have to beg for it! but this is the time i needed it most of all.

im sorry about your family troubles. but i just wish you hadnt cut me off the way you did. that we could not even have one conversation about it, or that you could not write even one email. its not like we had 10 arguments and got nowhere. i dont know, maybe thats what would have happened. but maybe not. its real shitty that something so good had to end in such a bad way. a great 2 year friendship thrown away without even ONE conversation. that hurts me a LOT. couldnt we have one conversation? couldnt you respond to one email? how could you hate me so much just from being annoying? couldnt you see me as a person behind it all? couldnt you just write me an email?

relationships end, thats a fact of life. but theres a good way and a bad way to do it. this was not a good way to do it. you could have spared me a lot of pain; and left with good karma; and have me remember you a lot better. there was a lot of disappointment and hurt feelings here that didn’t have to be that way.

this hurts me so much because we used to be close once. i hadnt been that close to a woman in years. that helped me build feelings for you. and now all that is gone. even if it hadnt help build my feelings, it was still a very meaningful and important friendship to me, and i am very sad that it ended this way. i wish we could have talked abotu the end of the friendship rather than have me trying to talk and you refusing to respond.

yeah i guess theres nothing that NEEDS to be said, and the situation speaks for itself. you dont want to be part of this any more, and you dont need to say anything, just walk away. well that is somewhat true, but i think the polite and kind and decent thing to do is acknowledge the friendship was good while it lasted, and that you dont hate me as a person. i dont believe ive done anything worth hating. temporary annoyance, sure, but not long term hate.

i was a doormat and i apologized too much and didnt stand up for myself. i should have told you how much it bothered me when you distanced yourself from me.

again i know noone likes a weak man, but i wasnt just some random pathetic weakling. we knew each other for years. do women really hate weakness this much? I can understand that women naturally dislike weakness but this just seems like too much. so in your mind i’d already thrown the friendship away, so you no longer had the responsibility to treat me like a friend?

 

////////////End Letter portion

it has been 84 days since the horrendous shitstorm and i feel…..not as bad as i have, thank GOD. even though i did not sleep too bad.

FLASHCARD: why did she do it? how could she do it?

EASY WAY OUT.

three simple words. because it was EASIER than the alternative of telling me. it was EASIER. this is…understandable in the sense that it makes sense that humans take the easy way out, path of least resistance….even though it may be cowardly, avoidant, shitty, and not the right thing to do. they do it anyway because its easier for them. period. or to avoid stress and anxiety. shit. i have avoided and procrastinated a lot for that very reason.

i just thought the strength of our friendship would convince her to not take the easy way out. that she would remember the good times we had in the past.

because she has some tendencies to get stuck in the past. seemingly “hung up” on some people who have died, in very obvious ways. cant seem to get closure there or let them go.

but she can sure as shit let ME go like i never existed, yet overly grieve for dead people every day?

yep. yeppers.

to the point where you cant even write an EMAIL or a TEXT? i GET that talking is hard and not easy. but sending a damn text is easy as shit, you dont have to face the person!

well….have you ever wrote an important email and then agonized over pressing the send button? i have! emails to her! maybe she did write me emails but just couldnt send it.

also when you are overwhelmed by stress you cant even do simple things.

like in the thick of it, i would wake up in the middle of the night, my mind racing about my STUPID JOB, thinking, well where does this come from? what causes this? in terms of the stupid technical shit. who can fix this? what bullshit line do i say here? and then i would just begin asking retarded questions, like:

how do i tie my shoes? i dont know.

who was the first president? i dont know.

what state do i live in? i dont know.

what year is it? i dont know.

what do you do if you went to bed on wednesday and when you woke up it was monday? can that happen?

what color is the sky?

what if the color blue was really the color orange?

in addition to the ridiculous work-related questions AND the ridiculous woman-related questions. questions and anxieties keeping me up at 3 4 am when i had to get up and do a ridiculous 8 hour shift of being bombarded, overwhelmed, and confused; AND get weird standoffish cold behavior from My Favorite Special Person; actively breaking my heart on the job throughout the day.

nope! couldnt do it any more!

it reached a head when she blatantly stopped talking to me at all. then she unfriended me sometime shortly after. then i hit the fan and sent her emails and confessed my luv for her. then she blocked me.

she had gone from being a nice favorite person to a cold person i could not stand seeing or being around.

well that transformation did not happen overnight. she was being cold for months, but refusing to talk to me kicked it up a notch, to a level i could no longer tolerate, crossed muh boundary in a very aggressive way hahahaha.

but yeah. she has been abandoned by living people too.  and she is pretty good at abandoning living people as well. yet she fixates on the dead you can never bring back.

i guess she is crazy and fooked up! well i figured ALL WOMEN are CRAZY in SOME WAY, its just can you handle it, can you tolerate it. i thought well, i’m just OVERJOYED shes not a huge slut. many women, their crazyness causes them to become huge sluts and ice cold demons.

well she was not a huge slut! and she was very nice to me! woohoo!

but then she became cold as ice and that sucked. still not a slut though.

but at this point she might as well be a huge slut because she has dumped me, removed herself from my life entirely, it is over, and i dont know her any more. this makes me sad as fook and makes her happy. but she can be a huge dirty whore and it doesnt matter any more.

i was not adding value to her life, she was adding shittons of value to my life.

she was worth a lot more to me than i was to her. damn.

of course this is killer to your confidence!

thats why it helps if they can dump you in a nice way. cuz otherwise you do feel rejected Entirely As A Human Being. it is hard for anyone, even harder for neet loser r9k virgin betas like us with low confidence for years!!!!!!

stefan molyneux says stop being a victim! “she seemed like such a nice gurl until one day she turned around and did bal bla bla”. well she did seem like such a nice gurl! she didnt really give huge warning signs!  i was on the lookout! i didnt let her into the Circle of Trust until i had known her for 2 years! and i didnt fall in luv with her till then too!

and i do feel like kind of a victim! i feel blindsided! bamboozled! and we determined that there was nothing i could do that would stop this. i mean i cant CONTROL and dominate people! stefan is also big on win win relationships, that many of us are sadly accustomed to win lose relationships, where its essentially dominance and submission, win and lose, constant anxiety and stress. but we can make them win win by…….. communicating i guess hahahaha. i forget the key how to have win win rels. communication prob is a good thing tho.

anyway people who play the victim take no responsibility for their actions, so they make the same mistakes over and over and over again.

well i take responsibility for my mistake, namely, not communicating sooner and better. i think i have gotten better at the communication in my rels with wimmin. havent gotten many chances though.

the mistake ive been repeating is, i get feelings for women who DONT HAVE FEELINGS FOR ME. one sided bullshit EVERY TIME.

but on the other hand, i dont think i can force myself not to like somebody.

i mean theyre not abusive monsters, they might even be nice decent people…..they just dont return my feelings.

but you like who you like. it would be a problem if i liked abusive monster women!

i guess what ive learned is, dont keep the feelings bottled up. even if you work with the person.

woman2012 was interesting because i was much less good of “Friends” with her than w15. i hung out with w12 once every like 4 months. but i was never bitter at her because of “distance.” we were just never really close thats all.

but with w15 i was a LOT closer to her! we hung out a decent amount before i even liked her! we were very friendly with each other! she was sharing secrets! i should have shared more secrets? or should i have? point is, i was MUCH closer and MUCH better friends with her than w12!

so i wonder why didnt i go fookin CRAZY over w12? i mean i really liked her.

i guess i liked w15 EVEN MORE. and i think that was from that closeness.

then she started pulling away. i told her in muh xmas card to her “we have been friends for a while, and i appreciate you more with each year. you are very special to me and i hope we can get even closer in the new year.” which is definitely a kind of signal. then she started backing off. and wanted me to back off.

completely different situation with w12. so i guess i am not repeating the same situation. actually the situations have been damn different. other than me liking women who dont like me.  but they start off friendly to me!

what do you do if you are in luv with a gurl who has NEVER ever been your friend or never ever hangs out with you?

big trouble hhehehe.

it wasnt just that w15 didnt want to hang out with me ever. it’s that in the PAST, she DID hang out with me semi regularly……THEN SHE STOPPED.

we connected once over a decent period of time. as opposed to a gurl youre infatuated with but NEVER EVER connect with, not even once. nope. was not the case here!

i guess if you have feelings for a gurl and want to let her know……just let her damn know. at least for me thats what i learned about my self. some people are satisfied with signals. like yeah, she OBVIOUSLY doesnt like me, otherwise she would be interested in hanging out with me, and wouldnt be in luv with other guys.

yeah i mean shit. its REALLY pathetic to be all in luv with a gurl YOU DONT EVEN EVER HANG OUT WITH. i guess woman2003 was like that. that sucked too. i mean we hung out in a group but i was never cool enough to hang out one on one with her. that sucks!

but with woman2015 i hung out with her one on one more than any other woman! it was like we were damn official friends! because we WERE for a while! thats why this one hurt the most. cuz i lost the most. i came the CLOSEST.

well i keep getting CLOSE i guess thats a good thing. hahahaha.

in the sense that i bring the feelz to the woman and say here it is, take it or leave it, and they leave it hahahaha. as opposed to being a True Orbiter like i was with woman2003.

so yeah i was Actually Close to woman15. hadnt been that close to a woman in years. so of COURSE it hurt when that was taken away suddenly in the meanest way possible!

decent women who grow up in decent families receive guidance from their parents in the nicest way to Reject A Boy. Decadent Sluts just throw people away like garbage.

but i shouldnt take advice from stefan molyneux because hes NOTORIOUS for running a CULT!!!!!!! separate people form their friends and family and take their money! narcissist and in luv with the sound of his own voice! guiding impressionable youth down the wrong path! never having good relationships with anyone ever yet preaching abotu how to have good rels! when he clearly hates women too! and his rel with his wife is not healthy either! he’s abandoned his whole family! he does not have REAL FRIENDS from school or work or life! he only has inner circle donators to his cult and as soon as they disagree with him, he Defoos from them! shuns them! he’s a shunner and an abandoner! he probably Dominates his wife and poor baby daughter! his daughter is gonna be SO fooked up!!!!!

a TERRIBLE role model in other words! dont listen to this guy for LIFE ADVICE!!!!!

i dunno the stuff i hear form him isnt too bad. if he were ever to say something horrible i would just ignore it. but do i agree with him because i am a narcissistic sociopath maniac too????

got muh 8.6 miles in for the day hahaaha. this is how you lose half a pound a week hahahaha.

yeah so i let myself get walked on. i should have stood up for myself. the second shit started bothering i should have said “THIS IS NOT OK. THIS ENDS NOW. WE NEED TO TALK NOW.”

and said i know you are having issues but i cant tolerate being put out in the cold like this. also, i have feelings for you. tell me any thing you wanted to tell me. and if you need to reject my feelings, try to be nice about it.

so yeah this all adds up to her losing ALL respect for me, for me being a Weak Beta. Doormat. then they lose all respect for you and throw you away like garbage. even if you had been friends for 2 years. this is how much women HATE weakness and weak men. heh. its just not worth it pretending to be STRONG all the time hahahaha.

also i think she is attracted to badbois who are gonna dump her. well she was with this guy for 4 years but he was kinda a badboi, much moreso than me!!!! and the next guy was even moreso. i mean he cheated on her!

but she did dump him for cheating on her, rather than continue to desperately run after the badboi. but perhaps she continued to be in luv with him. well why didnt she get back together with him? shit maybe she DID. but i dont think she did.

so she was Emotionally Mature to want to not get back together with a guy who cheated on her. thats good eh. well it still doesnt help me any hahahaha.

i still should have Stood Up for myself though. that was a lesson i should learn.

i didnt Have The Responsibility to save 100% of the Relationship, but i DID have the Responsibility to MYSELF to say I Do Not Think This Is OK. and i was too scared to do that.

that might have not made her Luv Me, but it WOULD have prevented things from being THIS shitty. she would have talked things, maybe, or at least just cut me off right then and there, and i would have had a bit more self respect.