yeah i have been physically not too great, mentally/emo not too great either since coming back from muh “vacation.” hehehehe. when I got back I promptly went to bed for 16 hours. the next day I was still tired and had aches and pains all over the body. i had done some lifting and carrying of stuff but it really didnt seem bad enough to produce such soreness!
also had annoying borderline water faucet colon which i usually only get in the morning after drinking a lot of coffee too fast, but here it lasted all day and that was very annoying. couldnt even enjoy a nice powerwalk without thinking im gonna shart muh pants.
have been getting sharper “carpal tunnel” pains lately. this has been going on for at least a year but the last couple days its been more noticeable. it is honestly probably enough to get me a medical MJ recommendation for “chronic pain”!!!!! not even joking.
was taking pepto bismol which usually helps with the watery #2’s, but didnt seem to help much yesterday. at the end of the day was very tired. not just low energy, but darn exhausted, even though i hadn’t done anything. slept pretty well again but could have slept longer if i hadnt forced self.
yassss got new shoes from zappos, they seem to fit well. i mean my current shoes are just terrible. they are SO worn down, but really all on one side, so the shoes are very lopsided and diagonal and that cant be good for the foot. i mean i should have upgraded these shoes months ago. i hope i havent done permanent damage hahahaha. basically i am an overpronator and the outside of the shoe gets worn down much much much more.
but yeah i just felt like i was 80 years old hahahaha.
THANK GOD for the new shoes though. this is my typical thing though. wait way too long to replace stuff that should be replaced. or get haircut. or clothes.
honestly cant stop pooping. this is ridiculous.
new shoes feel gr8! that is awesome. very good. THANK GOD. because this is a privilege most people dont have. buying new shoes when they need them.
yeah so i wore the shoes and took a 3.2 mile walk and the shoes were great.
388 days since i sent her the last contact. i figure 400 days is a nice round number. nicer than 365. but a YEAR is a nice round period of time. why arent years 400 days hahahaha.
422 days since i last talked to her, abotu 419 days since i last SAW her.
theres a thought that I should address Muh Egregious Red Flag Employment Gap in muh cover letter. I am open to doing this.
ok. gave this one a try because i liked the cover art hahahaha. wanted to see how the production and songwriting compares to “ashes against the grain.” there seems to be more blasting in a blatant black metal style on Marrow of the spirit, so, I like that. now the SOUND on MOTS is really interesting. I think I like it, it’s definitely provocative so yeah that’s good. the drums sound a little weird and the guitars sound very “warm” and fuzzy. the whole thing sounds rawer and more underproduced than I was expecting, not in a bad way of course.
it sounds like they intentionally tried to make their sound more “raw” or “live” or “organic”, and in theory, I am always in support of this.
heh. finally applied for job. 30k county job. i prefer to apply for the 26k county jobs, but i have gotten interviewed for a 42k county job!
i want to work for you because you have a MF day shift, weekends off, no overtime, 37.5 hour work week, and bennies. so its a good fit for me because i dont handle stress or pressure well hahahahahaha. or customers. thats why i have to be high on xanax all day at work hahahahahaha.
no obviously i don’t actually often USE benzos. i brought 3 valiums with me to our little vacation, and i completely FORGOT about them. sheeeeit. they may have come in handy when i was freaking out because of the MJ! which is the entire reason I brought the valium!!!!!
i am very close to the cusp of focusing hardcore on temp/staffing agencies. recruiters for temp jobs.
because the only people that will “take a chance” on such a RISKY person as me, are the absolutely bottom of the barrel shittiest jobs that will hire ANYONE……or MAYBE jobs where the job contract is limited. temporary. finite. temp. if the person sucks, they will be gone soon.
also if i go a week without an interview, the confidence def goes down. as you get 2 or 3 rejection emails a day hahahaha.
heh. if i got rejected by WOMEN like this, I would have even less confidence hahahaha.
or maybe i just wouldnt care and would bullshit the things i am supposed to bullshit to get women to spread for muh dick hahahahahaha. maybe it would actually be EASIER.
yeah that sounds woman hating, but You Women really DO give it up to easily and don’t have the appropriate RESPECT for SECS, like your biological role in secs. I dont NEED to have as much respect for secs, because men just dump sperm. the costs and risks and responsibilities are much higher for women. RESPECT that.
ok forced my way thru 2 applications. again i am getting discouraged here so i am not applying to “reach” stuff with muh dream orgs unless they are fairly low paying…..and of course these jobs skew towards high paying.
unbelievable. company sending a pdf for me to complete…..but its not an editable pdf. they literally want me to print it out, fill it out by hand, then scan it, then send THAT pdf back. this is a fairly big company where that shit is blatantly embarrassing.
so instead I am converting the pdf to a jpg and trying to edit it in paint. not working so well. with the text boxes and shit.
this is truly a very good album!
it took me basically the whole album just to fill out that shit. using pixlr to add text boxes, rasterize, and draw little circles. unbelievable. they are looking for skills in VISIO and PROJECT which i technically have hahaha yet their goddam Talent Acquisition Team can’t make a pdf editable. absolutely disgraceful. See, I would volunteer my personal time after work to make the pdf editable so they wouldnt have to pay me for that work.
plus i get to show extreme ingenuity and cleverness and problem solving with this pdf to jpg, pixlr, jpg to pdf nonsense, hahahaha. sending them back a pdf that was 8 times larger in size than the one they sent me hahahaha.
because they couldnt do any of this with plain text, saying, answer all of these questions in your reply email. nooooooo that would be too easy.
or god forbid have something in the taleo applicant tracking system THEY ALREADY HAVE AND USE.
but yeah. then they wanted me to explain in the REPLY EMAIL any Gaps in the past 7 years, and also all Reasons For Separation in the past 7 years. I guess I should be glad they didnt ask for 20 years!
but this implies they are gonna read the email……so why demand the shitty, shitty pdf as well?
just to make shit more difficult and weed out the weak.
so I will be PISSED if this doesnt result in an interview.
i added an extra 20 minutes to the spreadsheet for the amount of time it took to apply for this job.
thinking SEARS might be a better place than jcpenneys for me hahahaha.
just looking for t-shirts that have like STRIPES or patterns or some shit, that is not a damn “graphic tee.”
something that is more interesting than just a solid color t shirt, which is what i usually wear, but that is kinda boring!
interesting. what gets me most worked about That Woman is not really thoughts of her spending time and being nice to other men, and loving them and cuddling with them, but really the more x rated stuff, like her sucking dick, fooking her, her sitting on their face and them licking her asshole, hahahahahahahaha. banging her from behind, banging her from the front, tongue in the mouth, her sighing and breathing heavy and getting juice all over. that real porno stuff, which isnt even all porno stuff, but actual real life secs stuff. that is what gets me angery.
that is the sort of stuff that gets me all hot and bothered!
anyway of course i should not be thinking about it at all.
but yeah i have no interest in other women. occasionally i will see a young qt i want to bang but not super often. and i would STILL want to bang HER moar!!!!!!
stupid shit really.
basically i cant ever imagine WANTING another woman as much as her, and also that i will never STOP wanting her!
i mean yeah it has gotten better. and yeah i DID eventually stop wanting those other women. it just took like 2 years hahahaha. and it hasnt been 2 years with this woman yet.
just no interest in women other than to maybe opportunistically bang unmarriageable sluts. great. and never fully exorcise the memory of HER. because I always got along with HER best, we had the most special best connection.
yeah well if it was so good, how come she couldnt even send me a damn text message and just say awwwww im sorry ok now im blocking you sorry.
or have her family or our mutual friend send that message to me for her.
but yeah that connection! even if it was just for me. how am I ever gonna feel that way about someone else ever again? and that is what I WANT to feel for muh wife, the mother of muh children!
yeah it def was the worst heartbreak.
the OBVIOUS ANSWER to how do i forget about HER is……….MEET NEW WOMEN!!!!!!!!!! THE TIME HAS COME where I NEED to MEET NEW WOMEN!!!!!!!!
of coursh I have never ever really liked meeting new people. it is not fun. men or women.
some people, normies and chads, actually LIKE meeting new people and think its FUN.
i have no interest in meeting people unless its a young woman and they are qt and seem NICE.
how hard is it to be nice? not very, but many people seem to think so.
hearing about this guys GF who is like 19 years old and NOBODY likes her. she has “no personality”.
i thought, so what if she has “no personality,” That Woman didn’t have much of a personality, usually if a woman has a strong personality, that means she’s bitchy and obnoxious. no thank you. just have a not-strong personality and be nice. be pleasant. i’m thinking this young girl is both no personality AND not really nice or pleasant either. jeeeez. how unpleasant do you have to be as a 19 year old gurl to have nobody like you??!?!?!?! also I have heard she is not terribly good looking either.
meanwhile i found, once upon a time, a nice, qt, woman that everybody liked because she was NICE and had a GOOD personality.
with men its harder. you have to have an ACTUAL personality, and NOT Just Be Nice. i guess I cant be mad about that, thats just nature.
dramatic breakup story, he cant get over ex, who blocked him, but they had their problems, also she talked to him a lot more and prob would have been willing to give him some closure
well i have learned from /r/relships/ that women indeed have some agency and are not to be regarded as total BABIES.
(every single attractive young woman on linkedin is a GOD DAMN RECRUITER.)
anyway, not to get off on a tangent, basically, the leftist scum of reddit insists that women are not powerless infants and indeed they DO have some responsibilities. well of COURSE they would think that tho! they like powerful independent wimmin!
but yeah you hear stories where women actually do stuff, put in an effort, or in some cases, stalk the guy, or get needy or clingy, texting the guy, getting jealous, getting heartbroken. i guess its nice to know that women are CAPABLE of this!
or just basically that they are willing to talk to you when they are dumping you and to say sorry and to be conscious that them dumping you is gonna hurt you and they are making some token effort to mitigate some of that hurt!
also the idea that the solution is pretty obvious (dump that b and run away!!!!) and the Bad Guy is pretty obvious.
i just hate being the Bad Guy because I couldnt understand Space.
but i dont think it was that simple either. i think any mature person would say SPACE ISNT AN EXCUSE TO AVOID DEALING WITH THE SITUATION. SPACE ISNT AN EXCUSE TO NEVER COMMUNICATE.
i think i already made that a post title. or something very close to it hahahaha.
so basically when a woman has secs quickly, she is saying “MY VALUES ARE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THAN YOURS.” so maybe its a stage. but why should the stage be like 10 years long or 15 years or whatever? thats a pretty long stage. too long for me.
ok applied for us army job. they have a big facility which employs a lot of people in the area with damn good 35k jobs like this one.
an open relationship will NEVER work if BOTH people dont agree about wanting it. period. it HAS to be completely mutual and UNANIMOUS.
of course at least 80% of Breakups are not unanimous, but they dont need to be. it would be nice if they were!
SHOW ME I MEANT ANYTHING TO YOU!!!!!
welp at 399 jobs now, should prob make the big 400th a good one. i think we decided not too long ago to make 500 the new goal.
i mean i have a hard time with jobs. bullshitting my way and figuring out what to do in tough confusing situations. figuring out how to do and handle my job. figuring out how to fix problems and what to say to frustrated customers who are counting on me to fix their problem…….and i really dont know what im doing. i feel incompetent because I AM incompetent and its inherently stressful to try to serve people when you ARE incompetent. because you ABSOLUTELY do not feel free to make mistakes or fail, because someone is basically gonna insult your intelligence.
in school it was ok to make mistakes, because only your grade suffered, and only a little bit, and you could always ask questions without being bitched at and treated like someone who should be fired.
how did that woman do it? oh yeah she just went with the flow. great advice, you horrible person hahahahahaha.
fookin captain obvious. fookin captain obviously easier said than done. jeeeeeez.
also reading /r/rels you see how FLAKY women are. they will just give up on you for the stupidest shittiest reasons and there is nothing you can do about it. because you have to respect their wishes that they dont care about you any more and dont want to do anything to work on things.
where do you go for nondegenerate dating advice? actually /r/rels is pretty good…..BUT they are degen on things like open rels, or being a SLUT. i guess I am just happy that they view Cheating as a Bad Thing. but yeah they dont view having a Super Promiscuous Slut Past as being a bad thing. when it totally is.
and i dont want to go to a christian thing, again. because I want YOU to understand why being a slut is wrong, not just because of muh good book or muh jeebus. which are all great things mind you, but it honestly seems………MORALLY LAZY!!!!!! to have muh jeebus be your answer to all moral questions.
but i dont like atheists. but do i like a devout blind faith type person better than an atheist? probably.
ideal would be a person like me: someone who wants to have faith but is just filled with tons of doubt.
and a woman who just thinks casual sex is GROSS or SLUTTY, and SLUTTY is BAD. I dont wanna be an icky gross SLUT. SLUTS ARE GROSS, she says. I would never want to be gross like that.
and she said that! she had an appropriate sense of DISGUST and DISDAIN 4 SLUTS!!!!
if i even have to mansplain it…….that stuffing a guys dick in your mouf and babymaker, who you dont even know this guy, you just met him a few days ago…if i have to mansplain why that is disgusting, then you are too far gone.
and 90% of women are too far gone hahahahahaha.
might have a little nyquil today, go for walk after, go to bed early.
called this auto service place for recall notice and actually got scheduled to get that fixed. so that was an accomplishment hahaha.
heh. you know how some people “break up” but theyre not really “borken up” because they are still hanging out, fooking, texting hahahaha. sometimes even the gurl initiates, decides she doesnt want to be totally done with the guy, and presents herself to be fooked. can’t say that happened to me hahahaha.
basically, if she had ANY desire to talk to me……..SHE WOULD HAVE.
WOMEN ARE ACTUALLY CAPABLE OF DOING THINGS, the reddit has taught me.
but its easy to think they aren’t, when you have a case where the woman does ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. you think, are ALL women like that? I HOPE not all women are like that!!!!!!!! but i dont know enough women to tell. so then its GOOD to read these stories and anecdotes.
AYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I have just gone from a floundering seal to a baby seal on SwC poker hahahahaha. this is a YUGE deal, its taken me like 2 years to get to this point.
At Taco Bell, we’re hungry for Mas. Mas Heart, Mas Flavor and Mas Value. If you want Mas in your life read on!
Think About it…
Do you know how to inspire and engage? Do you make others smile easily?
When you say thank you do you mean it?
Are you a foodie? Do you know what it takes to make awesome food?
Do you love your team like you love your family?
Do you know what it means to create a 5 star customer experience?
Do you take your work seriously but not yourself?
Are you a proud mama or papa when your team achieves success?
If no, your career aspiration with Taco Bell has died here.
ultimately this is actually sad and horrifying but my initial reaction is indignant, contemptuous laugter. but THERE FOR THE GOD GO I. and I must pray that I never reach the point where I would write a job desc like that and wholeheartedly believe it.
got back from big 2-3 day social event, most social i have been in a very long time. still trying to process. kinda overwhelming really, but ultimately very good and glad i did it. good thing for me to do, glad to be invited. was just faced with my own insecurities and issues: somewhat with my own personal failures but what i wanted to explore was my complete failure to communicate and connect with people while I was under the influence of MJ.
yes there were a lot of MJ partakers up there, i kinda expected that, and i said i would partake a LITTLE bit, and indeed i did, for the first time after like a year of abstinence. got an interesting reaction there that pretty much confirmed that i should not do that in a social situation ever. because yeah it makes it absolutely impossible for me to follow or understand or contribute to any conversation, which is very frustrating and also bad for the confidence. other people do not seem to have this problem, but i sure do. so i was careful to just have one puff at a time with large space in between, often PASSING on the MJ as it went around!
and STILL a couple time i went a bit over the line where my mind was completely blown and blazed, and really all it takes is just ONE extra puff which will then totally overwhelm you 20 minutes later and you will feel like a retarded idiot child hhahahahahaha. not fun when trying to communicate with successful adults with good careers, wives, children, etc.
of course there was no judgement happening whatsoever, except by me!
oh man. LOT of stuff to cover. i mean the thoughts that were going on in muh head at the time.
like i want to examine the idea of SPACE and, well when I was blazed a few days ago, I thought DAMN I really didnt understand the concept of SPACE at all, I totally invaded her SPACE like a WEIRDO badman, god damn I was such an idiot who has no idea how to deal with women and rels, i have no concept of this stuff, its SOO BADDDDD, I am hopeless, I can’t believe I fooked it up SO BAD without even intending, to be SO incompetent and wrong, so yeah so STRONG self blaming there, she was RIGHT to react the way she did, she was RIGHT to throw me away, she was RIGHT to never respond to me.
or thoughts of ulterior motives, like yeah, this is just what happens. you might not HAVE ulterior motives but theres NO WAY you are gonna convince the woman of that! It’s simply impossible in that situation! so i need to get over my desire to want to have her understand I did not have ulterior motives. because she never will understand that. never ever. but yeah i dont like being remembered that way.
and when i was blazed, yeah the self blame and self recrimination was just horrible. stream of constant negative thoughts in a multitude of ways. many diff kinds of negativity hahahaha. in other words I should never do MJ EVER!!!!!
thankfully i did not flip out and have a panic attack or anything, but im sure a few more puffs and i would have been much closer to that! I already felt like a total WEIRDO and outsider and just inferior in every way!
so why do I like this junk again??!!?!?!!!??!!?!??
because it makes MUSIC better and because its ok in “groups” of TWO or smaller hahahahaha.
ITS NOT WORF IT M8!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
cuz I GUARANTEE there would still be SOME kind of stream of negative thoughts. doubts and fears and blame and recriminations. even if I were alone or with 1 other person. I know from experience, its more than a guarantee, it has happened!
so, if i get more terrible neg thoughts in general when partaking, even in the best of “set and setting”….then why even do it at all?
I could literally, measurably, noticeably communicate and talk to other people better socially when not under the influence. i just had a damn controlled trial 2 days ago. i noticed a definite difference!
yeah it was overwhelming, but in no way did the anxiety when partaking the MJ ruin the overall event. overall, it was mind blowingly fantastic and positive, the most positive social event for a long time.
but when i got done i was more exhausted than I have been in a long time, even more my usual low energy self, but this time was even more extreme, and i slept for 16 straight hours. unbelievable. could not even be awake. and the sleep was pretty solid too. i really needed it hahahahaha.
so now I am trying to wake up from that, drinking some coffee, still feel a little bit “post MJ” and not sure if that is the MJ or just that my body and mind were exhausted and id been asleep for 16 hours hahaha. prob the latter.
so now i can start really processing everything and that of course is a big mission of this blog hahaha. me processing shit. with 10% of that maybe helping the reader hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
anyway. yeah at some points i felt ASHAMED of my total failure to comprehend to her idea of SPACE, and just invading her space over and over and over and over again! no WONDER she reacted so intensely!
and while blazed, i couldnt think of the positive, rational response: yeah I did not have a great idea of space, BUT (AND) she could have REALLY just written me one email. or one text. given me ONE LITTLE THING.
One of the old friends I met who actually lives sort of near me now is a social worker woman who mentioned this great idea of replacing “BUTS” with “ANDS” because AND I guess gives more validation and acceptance and understanding to what your initial complaint is. does not disqualify any part of anything. and then the AND qualifies the good shit as well. I said to her, yes I have read a LITTLE bit about that, and I agree it is totally awesome and I agree completely. she also mentioned the idea of “dialectical behavior therapy” as kind of a counterpart to cognitive behavioral therapy, and I said I knew all about CBT but had never heard of DBT, and I am leary of the word “dialetic” hahaha but whatever you are describing sounds really interesting.
i guess it is a lot CBT but with more of a focus on talking and the dialectic you establish with yourself?? i said I would look it up and i intend to. maybe engages to cognitive component even more, for introverted weirdos like me who need to write 6,000,000 page blogs to constantly PROCESS everything. this might give you a more positive way to process everything.
so, in short, whenever you say BUT, replace it with AND instead. in 99% of cases it will still work AND it will be the healthier thing for you to tell yourself. as far as reaching your goals and shit.
she also mentioned some kind of best practices for goal setting. specific, measurable, realistic, that kind of stuff. i mean i already know all that but its nice to hear other people who are professionals in the area speak about it hahahahaha.
unfort most of the people were anti trump leftists and i was in no position to argue with anyone. i didn’t WANT to argue with them. they are all nice good people who I should look up to as role models 4 a good lyfe……but i just dont care for the leftism. but its not like these people are living their lives being total degenerates! hurting people and lying and cheating! they all want to do the right thing too!
but yeah there was definite examples of antiwhite cucking by white leftists. and not even in a im sorry to be white sort of way. but just enthusiastic, true believer, whites are the cancer of the human race sort of shit, totally shamelessly. but, interestingly, no real guilt about being white, but im sure if i pressed them, they might say something like yeah it sucks to be white and thats why I do everything I can to support the oppressed and be an ally etc. i cant help being white but i have lived my life fighting the man, so i am secure in myself.
i would almost prefer if they WERE ashamed about being white, because that might show me a chink in their armor hahahaha.
someone blatantly said “your mother is a communist” and i was like WOW that is pretty rude, but i didnt doubt the veracity, because I know the guys mother is a lifelong leftist activist type, father as well, and this is where he get it from. which makes sense. if my family were huge leftist activists, i would probably be too. like old school summer of 68 types that became fairly professional, rather than burned-out hippies. but they are good people and raised good children. also there wasnt any race mixing hahaha. not that they wouldn’t blatantly approve of race mixing! they just never actually had mixed children, and I am secretly happy about that. nor did their kids, one of whom was/is one of my old friends i was looking forward to seeing. he will never change being a huge leftist, but he is still a very good admirable person. but he married a white wife and had a white child too………
its just WEIRD that such decent, good people could also be such damn leftists. so you CAN still be a good person and live a moral life if you are a leftist. its just weird to see though. what would be too far? maybe if any of them had had mixed race children. or were in positions of political power and doing blatantly antiwhite policies. but, somewhat surprisingly, no one is in political power. they have great careers and probably Manage Teams and have masters degrees from top skools and make 80 k a year. but i guess as long as a person is not a lying cheating scumbag, i am ok with them.
but this guys white communist mom has been married to his white communist dad for like 40 years, with no weird open marriage bullshit, and they have white children who married white women and had white children, with no weird open marriage bullshit as far as I can tell.
so yeah i pretty much hid my alt right and pro trump views because a. i wouldnt be able to convince anyone b. people might be like poor him, he’s confused because he’s having a rough spot in life, so he is clinging to this racist xenophobic sexist stuff out of fear and frustration. so i just avoided talking about it and made jokes about guns and even probably one genuinely nonjoking statement about how i would have no problem with owning a gun, which is actually a big deal for these people, most of whom come a town where everyone is a leftist who hates guns and whites and the only people who even Go Hunting are Racist Redneck Angry Uneducated Whites who are angry and afraid and republican and trump voting, fox news, etc. too hateful and ignorant to get their phds and get a professional career and get the political views to accompany those professional careers.
its like these people have NEVER MET A RIGHTIST!!!!!!!!! They literally think they are the worst people in the world! rightophobia!!!!!!!
well, i talk shit about the left all the time, i despise the left and 99% of leftists. these people are essentially GRANDFATHERED IN. but doesn’t it mean there are a lot more leftists who are decent people? yeah probably. lets say 50 50.
but yeah i dont really hate individual people, especially when i get to know them, even hardcore leftists. but i hate the left as a set of ideas that is really destroying the country hahahaha and the west. and the white race.
interesting enough, they can rant about trump and trump is like hitler, its so scary, and be like yeah of course i will always vote democrat, thats what smart people do, who are not evil white capitalist greedy stupid redneck religious gun toting haters! BUT no one had anything positive to say about hillary, and probably were not volunteering their time to campaign for hillary. well hillary is too establishment and not leftist ENOUGH they’d probably say.
but they dont volunteer for even worse leftist shit either.
so yeah these people will always remain grandfathered in for me i guess. and i guess i could probably “keep an open mind” if i were meeting new people. but i dont meet many new people.
but yeah i puffed the MJ and was like DAMNNNNN I REALLY REALLLLLLY was an idiot regarding the concept of space. She told me she wanted space and I couldnt RESPECT that!
well, she could have TOLD me a little better and clearer, and continued to communicate with me regarding it! like, oh by the way, this IS an ultimatum, and this is because i’ve been getting weird vibes from you that you like me, and also we shouldnt talk or text at all, but i’ll continue to talk and text you.
plus, what about: SPACE does not give you license to avoid the issue altogether. avoid and ignore. SPACE means we are gonna stop hanging out, and stop talking every day. but it doesn’t mean you continue to do that FOREVER unless you have a decent TALK about it. if you want to parlay the SPACE into a Permanent End Of Rel, you have to TELL the person, especially when they make their interest clear to stay in the rel, by asking you every 2 weeks, when are we gonna hang out again, its been many months since we hung out, can we hang out this weekend finally?
heh. we also did a ritual which was partially intended to help me get over That Woman. This is me and this other guy I saw there who is one of my favorite people and who I was really looking forward to seeing, and if i lived in the same town as him, i would Want to hang out with him regularly, because he is a great, classic guy. he is also not as blatantly leftist as a lot of the people. and we are both hopeless romantics who have gotten heartbroken by women many times. but he has improved because of it and become a confident, charismatic, outgoing, charming man, and has Slayed plenty of Pvssy in the time since we were young.
he is very very good at organizing social events and being a Host type of guy, make you feel good about yourself, kind of guy. pull out all the stops and do special things for special occasions, just raise the bar and do awesome things. shower people with unexpected gifts, organizing fun party buses, putting on one man fireworks shows, just amazing the things he does, very glad to know him.
anyway everyone was going to bed early like responsible adults and i was kinda looking forward to staying up late the last night (2 nights) and watching some people get Annihilated (of course I did not drink, i have not had anything to drink since 2009). i thought he was gonna go to bed, but he surprised me by totally playing to my sensibilities. he bullshitted me that we were gonna do some seance type black magic ceremony that he knew, and i played along and honestly was not sure how much he was bullshitting, but he put together this plan to essentially burn a log in half on the fire. put a long log across the top of the fire pit, build fire underneath it, and then the goal is to keep that fire going long and strong enough to cause the top log to break and or crumble.
and then that was supposed to symbolise you getting over something, something you want to be over and done with, something holding you back. I said yeah I can make it about this woman if that’s what you’re getting at, hahahaha.
so i dont know if this is an actual thing or he just bullshitted the whole thing, but it made sense and seemed a very nice way to symbolically “break” someone or somethings hold on you. a symbolic ceremony to turn the page, move on. i said well you can use this too because you have a big move coming up and I want that to go well for you.
initially I thought the goal was to weaken the log and then one of us would break the log by stomping on it or something.
ultimately our goal became to just burn all the way through the log until it broke because of the fire.
so we had to add a RIDICULOUS amount of wood to the fire to accomplish this. and it took at LEAST 6 hours. essentially we ended up staying up ALL NIGHT till the SUN CAME UP and then finally the log split. there was no crumbling really, it was more like two little hands reaching out to each other.
but yeah the log just sits there taking all that heat, not showing any signs of anything, or it seems like it should have broken long ago but it doesnt. pretty much everything about this was symbolic as fook, he knew it, I knew it, he knew I knew it, I knew he knew it. So yeah it was a beautiful thing.
not sure if it actually worked regarding That Woman, I mean I have been slowly getting over her anyway so I dont feel I needed a CEREMONY, plus I said yeah she is technically a good person so lemme just say I am not trying to put any curses or hexes or Black Magic on her, so I covered my ass there hahahahaha. well, I kinda want her to have a bastard baby soon with some deadbeat black, but I guess I forgot about that.
but yeah it was nice that he was thinking of me and did this nice thing for me hhahahaha. very touching. great guy. great to see him after over 2 years. last time i saw him i was just a few months from falling in luv with the woman. i told him, yeah i have this female friend but i dont feel that way about her, it would be weird, i dunno.
i would ideally have some GOOD headphones then get very blazed and listen to this album hahahaha.
I am not as well versed in this album as I am with “transilvanian hunger”, an uncriticizable classic. UaFM I have some actual complaints about, like i skip some songs, guitar sound is too thin. but yeah this probably is culto’s best vocals. totally sick the whole album.
now darkthrone is about as consistent as neil young…..but everyone agrees this is one of the good albums. the classic albums. i would much rather listen to this album than the more derivative albums it inspired. basically just freezing cold, hateful, nihilistic, raw, pure, trve, kvlt black metal. no poseur or hipster or modern bullshit. not overly long. great year, 1993.
none of the women at this thing were really bad. even the worst one is not a bad person. i just wouldnt want to date her. but she is still very nice to me. and she is super duper successful and makes like 150k a year and gives Expert Opinions in Congressional Hearings. yes the big Federal US Congress in DC.
how many men had each of the women been with? how many abortions had each of the women had? how many nonwhites had each of the women been with? how many hearts had they each broken?
none of that really crossed my mind at the time, hahahaha. prob cuz i had NO interest in dating any of the women.
however, the married women, i was kinda judging their mate value. but they were wonderful people too. ideally the one woman would have been a little younger when her and my old friend got married, but they are still a good Pair and they have had a child. but im not sure another child will be coming quickly, and of course that was my ideal, that they have at least 3 children hahahahaha.
basically i care about the mudsharking and slutting and abortions etc a HELL of a lot more when i am considering Dating the woman. if I am just being friends or friendly, I dont really care. also if my freinds are MARRYING the women, i would HOPE they choose at least SOMEWHAT wisely and not pick a TOTAL piece of trash. And i don’t think they did. I just wouldnt want to marry these women myself hahahaha.
basically if i didnt know these people and the first and only thing i knew about them were their horrible political beliefs, i would say, these are probably terrible people. the worst kind of white antiwhite scum.
but in fact they are very very good decent people.
so what did i learn? that leftists can be good people? I already knew that, I mean nothing i’m saying here is NEW. I knew they were leftists when i first met them. and i thought i was a leftist. and i started moving right, righter, and far right hahaha. but they stayed leftist. but they also stayed decent people. i just think its interesting that they never woke up or got redpilled. even getting married and having kids did not redpill them. or working with obnoxious nonwhite customers. living in a multicultural diverse city. i can’t imagine anything that WOULD redpill them. they could get robbed by blacks and then say something like “we cant let this turn us racist. we cant forget that these blacks wouldn’t be put in such a desperate position without racist hateful greedy white men who created the systems of oppression that keeps blacks poor and desperate.” i really think they would say that. NOTHING is going to “redpill” them.
here is the sequel / follow up with the man and his “wife.”
the first article is timeless, classic, godawful, and i will put it in the sidebar As A Ghastly Monument (Ruins of Beverast reference/credit.)
i might be moving Towards A New Cover Letter Hermeneutic where the new Way is really to hit them HARD with a Fully Tailored, Individualized First Paragraph that cups their balls and sucks their dick and appeals to their mission and demonstrates my passion for their company and how i can add value and increase profitability by specifically matching the requirements of the specific job, in the culture of this specific company, addressing these particular pain points, and why i am THE SINGLE BEST CANDIDATE out of millions, and this, and no others, IS my Dream Career.
in other words, REALLY step up my Tailoring of the CL. I tailor the CL a TINY bit, changing a few words or sentences each time. so, do more than that.
also, attempt to aim for the Average Salary of my state, and NOT the whole US, which is 28k, and my state is a LITTLE below that.
yeah 12 to 16 is a ridiculous range to give. i should just say 12 to 14.
or 12 to 13 hahahaha.
people who have college careers and make 40k + cringe at talk like this. they never mention numbers. i mention numbers ALL DAY.
yeah i guess i used to think it was VULGAR too. but now I just think its Keeping It Really Real. How Much Does The Market Say You Are Worth?
no its not the sum total of Who You Are…..but it DOES tell me a LOT about what Your Employer thinks you are Worth, and What Kind of Life you live, and probably the type of people you associate with.
(People tend to associate with people who make about the same amount of MONEY as they do. So I feel a little weird when people who make WAY MORE MONEY than I do, huge winners, invite me to hang out with them. Of course I accept the invitation graciously.)
so yeah fook this 15 dollars an hour bullshit. i am willing to pay my dues and make 13 dollars an hour like the people in muh subaverage state. those fancy phaggots in joo york and phag phagcisco can take their 15 dollars an hour and pozz each others assholes with it. besides in those cities it costs 600000k per month to live in a one room shack tiny house, and it costs 90000000$ for a package of ramen. no thanks.
if a man is complaining about COMMUNICATION all the time, and his wife/gf is never WILLING to COMMUNICATE, and she’s always SHUTTING ME OUT, and so DISTANT, and putting up a WALL, she has to be willing to COMMUNICATE, well then thats him signalling that HE has HUGE communication issues, he’s projecting, HE’S really the one who doesnt know how to COMMUNICATE hahahaha.
i was watching married at first sight and derek was complaining about his distant, unwilling, stubborn, bitchy horrible (but very bangable) wife, who simpyl would not give him a chance. he is kinda a douchebag but he had some GREAT points about communication, where I nodded my head vigorously and said YES. YASSSS. THIS. SO MUCH THIS.
and hes also right that she is no spring chicken at 33, but my god she has a very fookable ass hahahahahahaha. she has to be in the top 10% of attractiveness for 33 year old women. I would DESTROY her.
and this derek is a pretty masculine man too, i’m sure he would destroy her too, but thats how stubborn she is. she probably would have gladly let him destroy her 5 years ago. now im not sure what she wants. probably a total beta bucks sort of guy. she probably WANTS the total doormat that says anything you want hunny. but i have to wonder, who does she want For SECS, at this moment? she’s always gonna want the masculine guy for secs. so why not have secs with her masculine husbando derek?
unless she’s such a sleazebag that she needs TWO or more men. alpha fooks, beta bucks, and never the twain shall meet. i guess she’s never experienced a best of both worlds alpha who is masculine AND makes a ton of money. but she’s hawt enough to pull such a man (albeit not necessary without sharing him), and doesnt she meet plenty of powerful men as a Stewardess? like the powerful alpha men in First Class and such?
so yeah i am most fascinated in this couple. then sonia and nick a distant second, and i dont really care about the third couple hahahaha.
basically a 33 year old woman with no children is guaranteed to be SUPER CRAZY. her body is telling her to have a baby RIGHT NOW BEFORE ITS TOO LATE and you have to keep that in mind. i guess its ok if you want to have a baby right now too. but its gonna be real hard to have MULTIPLE babies with this woman. she shoulda started having babies AT LEAST TEN YEARS AGO.
hilarious first hour with moishe, not sure if florian mentions the sheen story in this one though
start at 1:47:00. this is exactly where florian makes the point about fulton sheen. this is probably the single best episode of nationalist review EVAR: a full hour of moishe being absolutely ridiculous, natt being natt, a bit by “degenerate dan”, a full discussion and reading of that horrendous nymag cuckold article, AND florian uses that to introduced sheen’s point:
that a bad man simply does bad things, sins, like lie, cheat, steal, hurt, kill.
but a truly EVIL man actively and intentionally works to undermine truth, beauty, and goodness ITSELF. true evil seeks to portray vice as virtue. like the cuckold husband who does disgusting mental gymnastics to portray his cuckoldry as True Luv for his wife. true evil just makes a disgusting mockery of truth, beauty, and goodness.
i didn’t actually hear sheen’s actual story, just florian describing it. but i’ve seen plenty of sheen, and he is pretty badass, and the more i hear of florian, the more i like/luv him. he is possibly the new fulton sheen for 2016 alt right. and he is a very young man, like 23 years old. AND he is in seminary to become a catholic priest. AND he is alt right and joo wise and insanely, autistically smart. AND he has created a better joo character than morrakiu, with moishe the mossad handler.
ok florian is definitely in contention to be man of the year 2016 hahahahaha. i sort of wish he wasn’t becoming a priest so he could have white children. but I like the idea of a 1488 catholic priest too.
shit i would say become a priest and have children ANYWAY. let them kick you out.
actually i think you can become a priest AFTER you have children.
florian should def have children. but I very much appreciate him being a MAN OF GOD.
his regular voice is a little autistic, but he is SUCH a great awesome guy it doesnt even matter. this guy is SO good.
so yeah. listen to that whole episode. if its not SHUT DOWN by the time this post posts. im downloading that shit again.
the best thing ive heard lately that isnt the fatherland hahahaha. well it does have ryan from the fatherland and i luv him too. great, great men. I would LUV to go to a trs convention and meet these guys.
millennial woes on the new daily shoah!!! (100th episode!) NOICE!! I hope he uses some N words and K words and F words and such and isnt such a nice guy hahaha. i dont think hes even been on the shoah before. ITS ABOUT TIME.
had weird dream that i was a Rookie Police Officer just starting out, getting On The Job Training from the guys, and I was very quickly On The Verge Of A Nervous Breakdown, and was very anxious like, whoa guys, i think i’m in over my head, i don’t think im TOUGH ENOUGH to handle this, maybe i’m not cut out for this job, maybe I should quit, I mean really, I dont have it in me! you need a tougher guy!
and the guys were all tough but also generally in favor of me not quitting I think, or they would disrespect me as an inferior pvssy if i quit, and were like, yeah its tough at first, but you just gotta TOUGHEN UP, gotta TUFF GET GOING, gotta not let it bother you, power through it, etc and other platitudes.
i think for most Cops though there is better training than what i experienced in the dream. like when you pay 20 grand to go to Police Academy, that’s where they train you for like 12 weeks hehehehe on all the aspects of being a Cop.
also cops get ongoing paid training because of like lawsuits and shit. peoples lives are at stake, its one of those jobs, like doctors and nurses and shit. lives are in your hands. people could die, and that means million dollar lawsuits, thus you implement official training pogams to Cover Your Ass.
unlike some companies where you dont need to cover your ass so much, and you can Screw and Joo customers with impunity, so it DOESNT MATTER if your people are trained. and the advice from management is, do what you need to do to get them on their way and make/save time and money.
thankfully i never had to Upsell Add On Products and shit. but the employees I was Supporting sure did. and they were generally as poorly trained as we were, and there they were talking to the ACTUAL customers. pressured by THEIR managers to try to sell the customers shit they REALLY didnt need, and also not understanding the products. yet trying to sell them. to people who didnt need them. when the products themselves were overpriced shady bullshit that were thoroughly jooish to the core. buy this extra advanced warranty goy. just in case. only 50 dollars more. just in case of a worst case scenario.
also the company was in general, dying. there is talk the company will be sold. but its a publicly traded company with shareholders. can you have a reverse IPO where a once public company becomes privately held again? i guess you can do esoteric shit with stock buybacks or stock splitting or something.
i guess theoretically the stock price could go SO low, and then there are Equity Firms who might gobble up a Majority Ownership of the company.
i dont know, I don’t have an MBA, I only have like 25 credits of Business Classes, hahahahaha.
which is more than Average, 13 dollar an hour normies have!
but you can also get an ok business sense from working at a company for a few years and just talking to people.
at my company, there was tons of rumors and speculation, among the more savvy people like me, that were even interested in speculation about why was the company doing this, rather than being like idk ikr lol weed lmao.
people like me who were frustrated and wanted to understand why the company and our department was such an egregious, backwards, shameful, disorganized, mismanaged clusterfook, and how it could be improved. well, more training, more actual legit experts who knew what they were doing, more time and money, more quality people actually improving actual quality, more testing, more actual listening to customers, much better executive management who understood the importance of IT as being more than just a Cost Center, etc.
but yeah its just horribly frustrating to have an angry, stressed person pushing you to fix their problem, because youre supposed to be the expert, fixing problems is your job, and you have no idea what you’re doing, and you look like you don’t know what you’re doing, becuase you really don’t, and you can’t appeal to a Subject Matter Expert in a way that is actually useful for either you or the customer. Most customers would be jsut fine if you said, wow, this is a pretty complex problem, here’s Joe Flabeetz, he’s been here for 2 years and really knows what he’s doing, Joe is great. its much worse when you say, i dont know what to do, let me talk to Joe, and then you “talk” to Joe in a shitty chat room where he is helping 20 other lost souls like you, telling you stuff that doesnt make sense. then you go back to the customer and try to do that thing, and explain it. NATURALLY, UNDERSTANDABLY, they wonder, can’t you just get Joe over here? he clearly knows what he’s doing, you clearly don’t, so just get him on the case.
but one does not simply just get a SME on the case. because they are just as busy as we are and are not gonna escalate a case without a fight.
you could probably turn newbies into SME’s quicker with REGULAR TRAINING. but again, thats millions of dollars for people who want to get out of here ASAP anyway. or they can just go mad and snapquit like me hahahaha.
it all makes perfect sense: DONT SPEND MONEY IF YOU DONT ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO.
the company can afford to not support their employees, shit they can afford to some extent to provide shitty, overpriced, screwjob jooish service to their customers. anything you can get away with. no exchanges, no refunds. all sales final. don’t like it, complain to the better business bureau bitches. don’t like it, do this shit yourself or go to our competitors.
see thats going too far though! why would you knowingly push your customers towards your competitors?
AND THATS WHY THE COMPANY IS FAILING. it used to be a successful, reputable company. now it is a sinking ship and more people can’t ignore that.
so yeah, i think a large part of why my experience was SO NEGATIVE was the culture of the company, being a large “big dog” old school company that was starting to fail on a massive scale. i mean they will implement retarded changes on a daily basis, yet be so Entrenched that they wont implement the actual Radical change needed. just do stupid spazzout bandaid fire putout bullshit. nothing meaningful, nothing that is good for the long term. short term only.
heh. that woman didnt care. she was just like go with the flow, dont let it bother you, dont bother me about it, i dont care, idk lol, dude weed lmao.
i mean women are not well equipped to have logical, sensible, reasonable, insightful thoughts about Business anyway……… but with all these educated women in careers, i think they can at least go through the motions of talking about business.
well, we did not have alot of those type of women in our department hahaha.
so i’m saying i prefer a more business savvy woman?
NO….i don’t even prefer a more intelligent woman. shit she was intelligent ENOUGH. i think she COULD have been taught to be more business savvy, not that she needed be…..
sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeit, really I just wanted her to talk to me more, be nicer to me, and just have a HALFWAY decent conversation about Our Jobs and Our Company!!!!!!! don’t you have an OPINION on this retardation! it affects you as much as it affects me! and she probably DID have an opinion! she just didnt want to talk to me any more. and i was very upset about that. her withdrawing from me and building a huge wall.
so yeah that was deffo the root issue hahahaha.
and I was very frustrated because I was aware of that root issue, and trying to resolve it, and getting NOWHERE, because I needed cooperation and willingness from her, and she refused to get it.
lets meet, lets sit at the table together, talk, and try to MAKE A DEAL. lets negotiate and compromise and both leave unhappy hahahahahahahahaha. and i was sitting at the table all day waiting for her to show up, and she just no called no showed the whole time.
so yeah that why i was very upset hahahaha.
dont just say dont let it bother you. get a thicker skin. believe me I would love to.
now, I had great conversations with a couple of my male friends at the job, and we all should have been promoted to level 3 and never have to take a call ever again hahahaha. make 18 bucks an hour hahaha.
i wasnt asking her to be as insightful as us, i just wanted her to give SOME effort into thinking about this. i mean it was stupid NOT to have righteous indignation over it, and to just say dont let it bother you, and smoke MJ. you can smoke MJ and still have opinions about this ridiculousness! and partially i was JEALOUS of her ability to DISCONNECT from the job like that, do it so Coolly, yet still miraculously do a “good” job and be liked by everyone. well yeah she was a likeable person hahahaha.
ishould probably give agalloch a second try. should i listen to the above album or “the mantle.” i was torn. i went to youtube and tried to compare the Productions, which one sounded better. they both sounded pretty close but maybe this one has a 5% stronger guitar sound. also, i technically tried listening to “the mantle” like 4 years ago and i was like, yeah this is ok, but i guess im not in the mood for something like this.
i guess now at least i am in the mood to give them a try again. i guess i want something thats like beautiful atmospheric black metal, but very melodic and very easy to listen to, with immediately catchy riffs and melodies and songs. but without being so NEW that it gets TOO much into “post rock” or “blackgaze”. something old enough that it was around when I was young and actually interested in music. the mantle came out in 2002, which is right in my wheelhouse yearwise, this one came out in 2006, when i had stopped caring about music, well, thats not true. i recall i was keeping up on the current work of katatonia and goatwh0re. but not being super duper into it, or into anything. lots of drinking. damn. increasing amounts of drinking. stupid. i stopped caring about new music, or music in general, some dark days.
so 2002 was really a much better year for me music wise than 2006…..but ive already heard a bit of the mantle, and if i like ashes against the grain, i’ll try the mantle. also the mantle is like 68 minutes long, which is way too long for an album. ashes is 59 minutes. still way too long, but better than 68.
and of course in 2014 and much of 2015 i was not interested in music so much either, because worrying about the job, or i was devastated by my loss and failure hehehehe. so i guess ive rebounded to a kind of peak right now of interest in music, as in trying to find NEW music, which is remarkable, cuz much of the time i like to Build A Wall and say yep ive got more than enough music thank you, dont need any new stuff. there’s nothing good left out there. its all hipster phaggot degenerate bullshit. theres plenty of stuff from before 2000 i havent listened to yet.
and its FINE to close the ranks and circle the wagons….but i dont want to do that more than half of the time. i would always like to be SOMEWHAT open to new music.
and agalloch i think is right in line with stuff that i have enjoyed. like when i was young i enjoyed opeth a lot, i still enjoy their older stuff, and i have always enjoyed “in the woods….” a norwegian sorta black metal group from the 90s that was atmospheric and progressive and avant garde when those things werent NEARLY as cool as they are now.
heh like the other day i wanted to listen to hammerfall and i only ended up listening to the first two songs on the album. and that album was only like 40 minutes. perfect length.
went to jcpenneys. it was a mixed bag. i had high hopes. saw some beautiful high school girls in there with their Moms for Back 2 Skool shopping. nothing wrong with a 35 year old man ogling 16 year old gurls hahahahahaha. at that age you really want to Protect and Provide for them, and you would Happily swear an oath to their Faithful Fathers that you would not bang them until they are 18, or if the father really wanted grandchildren, then you could have him sign off for age 17, and you would promise to not frivolously divorce her hahahahahaha. and she would promise to not frivorce YOU really.
so yeah you dont look at the beautiful 16 year old gurl and say “yeah id like to pump and dump that trashwh0re, ride hard and hang them up wet” the way you would say about a 30 year old skank. you say “damn i wouldnt mind MARRYING that gurl and having her be the mother of my children. Assuming she’s not ALREADY a huge slut. Let’s have a talk with her father.”
90s and 00s metal. that was my thing. i’m not sure i even lasted 10 good years. but 1996 to 2003 for sure might have been my best years.
in terms of The West, those were not great years. especially 96 to 2001 hahahaha. the late 90s was the high of nihilism and decadence and degeneracy where shit was probably just as bad as it is NOW, except people were more despairing. shit was BAD, although things werent AS Sexualized, and attitudes about Gays were definitely a bit better. but there was nothing to hold onto. there was no alt right. there was no hope for the youth, which i was one. the music was especially shitty. it reflected the nihilism and lack of general quality perfectly. stuff like groove metal and nu metal and korn. well at least there was a ton of catchy alternative pop type stuff. i shoulda got into that more at the time.
there seemed to be much less red pilled young people then. people were not waking up fast enough.
and i do think 911 in 2001 was a bigass paradigm shift, the beginning of a new era, a time of awakening. the sleeping nihilist giant awakens and then stumbles around in confusion for about 10 more years hahahaha. trying to shake off that nihilism and sense of no purpose. trying to figure out what was going on and what to do about it.
for me at least, the internet did not become a HUGE thing until after 2000. from like 98 to 00 we used slow dialup shit and i was already a degenerate, looking at jooish filth and actually reading Erotic Stories. which I guess is slightly less jooish. playing doom and quake. writing ridic stories of me finding a Nice GF and having a traditional monog longterm rel at age 15 hahahaha. see, my main goal was not degenerate.
you can also put in an exact year like 1996 hahahahahaha
also i wanted to say that listening to the daily shoah for the first time in a while (well i did listen when fatherland jim guest hosted a few weeks ago), is that i must remind myself not to forget how powerful mike enoch is. i mean he is really smart and just says the most interesting, smartest, most awesome things. i guess its easy to forget because his voice is ridiculous and he sounds like seth roganblatt. but the things he says are just amazing. here he is doing a 80 hour work week, hasn’t had time to read the news or do anything but work his tech job, and he comes onto TDS and is pretty high energy and very very solid and convincing in the things he was saying, just having very very good conversations where he is contributing most of the quality.
not to crap on seventh son or special guest millennial woes, but yeah this is enoch’s show and he is very very good at what he does. needs to trim down the number of people so he can dominate the conversation any more. him, SS, and MW would have been ideal.
heh i saw my confirmation email for applying to a part time job, and thought OH NO THATS THE FASTEST REJECTION EMAIL EVER!! and then laughed when i realized it was just the CONFIRMATION email that they had received my application. awesome job though hahahahaha. 30 hours a week, 15 dollars an hour, right when i have officially announced that 13 dollars is my new goal, that 15 is out of my league hehehehe.
ITS OFFICIAL. MY PRICE HAS OFFICIALLY GONE DOWN TO 13 DOLLARS AN HOUR. THAT IS MY WORTH AS A HUMAN BEING. hahahaha. no silly, that’s just my worth to the MARKET of human beings!!!!!
at the gas station today I saw a white man arguing pretty rudely with the poor clerk making 9 hourly. i couldnt see the clerk because they were in this little glass booth. it was one of those gas stations that doesnt even have an inside, and the cashier is in a tiny booth/shack. there was a huge line behind this white guy who….i couldnt tell what was going on. it sounded like he was getting charged 36 dollars when he disputed it and thought he should be charged 26, and he wasn’t gonna pay a penny more. he was maybe early 30s and had a stupid mohawk like haircut and tattoos all over his arms. good job. i really hope the clerk was not white, but even if they WERE nonwhite, they didn’t deserve this kinda treatment, and I was a bit ashamed that a fellow white man could be such a dickhead to a poor miserable gas station clerk. Whites are supposed to be Polite Customers. its blacks and arabs who are Asshole Customers.
I thought about going up to the clerk and apologizing hahahahaha. well, not apologizing, but sorry you had to go through that. I know you weren’t trying to do anything wrong. he was way out of line. he’s an asshole.
go get your manager. uhhhh the managers not here today. i’m not sure when he will be back. i can’t do anything for you. well then call the manager right now. i want to talk to him right now. uhhhh he doesnt give employees his phone number. well who do you call if its an emergency? meanwhile there is a huge line of people who just want to prepay for their gas. i avoided all this because i paid at the pump with a card hahahahaha.
mike enoch does not get all super intellectual either. he just gives real talk, absolutely no bullshit, no jerking off. he says like and dude a lot but unlike with most people who say these words a lot, it does not make him sound unintelligent. he is real good at talking to people and just great verbal intelligence on this goy hahahaha. this is the guy you want talking for you. real convincing salesman. but not in a bullshit dishonest way. he needs to quit his job and spend all his time talking and networking and meeting with people. he is a real good people person and communicator.
i wonder what the hell he did before TRS. I guess he had a big libertarian phase and did a lot of 4chan. dont quote me.
listened to the first 2 songs of the agalloch album, they were pretty good. decent production. a blast beat would be nice. also the black metal vocals are pretty unimpressive and really dont seem to fit. something a bit deeper, or alternately, a DSBM or old burzumy scream would be better. the corny clean vocals are better.
uhhh seems to be plenty of “melodic doom” in the vein of old katatonia going on, that i wasnt really expecting, but i guess i’m not surprised, and i am not disappointed either.
overall, very melodic, very very, not super opethy unless you think of an alternate opeth where they continued in the vein of their first two albums…….which is not a problem for me!
but now i have a damn melodic doom katatoniaish song stuck in my head and I don’t know what it is!!!!!!!!!
it has a catchy mournful weeping guitar melody.
it is pretty brave murder day ish, but i dont think its from that album.
it could be from the first october tide album, but i dont think so.
and i’m not sure what else it could be.
you know i think it might be beneath the rain or whatever that doom band from portugal with the guy from morgion singing. on their second main album.
before the rain?
YASSSS there is is, aroun 20:23, actually that motif is all throughout this song “shards” and it repeats a lot, but i was particularly thinking of the higher octave guitar going into the “weeping” range hahahaha.
yeah the album is a little long but it has a great production and great style and is pretty underrated and i only found it because i am a big morgion fan.
fooking rate your music lists really interferon with muh job search hahahaha.
fook working for a living like an honorable white man. i am just gonna become a black ingra hahahaha.
yeah i dont want to pedestalize That Woman too much. it’s VERY GOOD to remember I have been Decent Friends with, I have been CLOSE TO OTHER WOMEN before. she doesnt STAND ALONE. I had at least two pretty good female friends where we were decent friends for like approx 2 years. talking freely, being comfortable with each other.
yeah i never fell in LUV with them but thats NOT THE POINT. well, yes and no. yeah that was the one thing that differentiated that woman.
but i never want to lose sight of the fact that i have gotten close and friendly with OTHER women. NOT JUST HER.
rejection email THREE MONTHS after applying for job. the spreadsheet did not even exist until 2 months ago.
entry level position at big well known company, great job, but 95% of its postings are for Senior Level Engineers.
ANYWAY. when you fall in LUV with a woman you FEEL closer to them. it’s a fantasy, its all in your head, but i don’t like describing it like that, thats misleading. because it’s VERY real for YOU. YOU ACTUALLY ARE very close to THEM……………………………but THEY are not nearly as close to YOU. by saying its all in your head, it mocks the realness, truth and beauty of your Luv. so, I wont do that.
like when i fell in luv with women i didnt even KNOW. OF COURSHE i FELT close to them, even though I didn’t even KNOW them!
the DIFFERENCE this time, was I fell in luv with someone I ACTUALLY KNEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and still, apparently, I didn’t know them well enough!
but yeah i MUST NOT think of myself as some WEIRDO CREEPER ALIEN who CANT get along with women, because I have become close friends with OTHER WOMEN THAN JUST HER.
I just never fell in LUV with any of them, so thats why That Woman was such a big deal.
went to jcpenney and found some great nike revolution 3 running shoes. but they did not have the size in the color i wanted.
so then i went to zappos and ordered the size for about the same price. i hate the idea of ordering SHOES online, but technically i HAD already tried on a pair of the same style of shoe, just a diff COLOR. and i wasnt gonna back down here.
interestingly enough, i was aiming to replace a pair of Revolution 2 which i had bought 2 years ago and are now falling apart and completely worn out. i guess i am a Nike Revolution man. so I should look for the Revolution 4 in 2 more years.
man those one year at a time charts on rym are great. i can see all the albums I was enjoying at the time, ANDDDDDDD see all the ones from that time period that I missed. there was a ton of good stuff in those years that i missed because i was a teen listening to groove metal hahahaha. no i liked half good stuff too, some black metal. i have been a black metal fan for TWENTY YEARS hahahahahahahahahaha. well, maybe 19.
just tell these antiwhite k1kes in interviews that ive been spending the last 14 months looking at black metal charts on RYM hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha but i havent been smokin any MJ ya k1kes!
not that you should be PROUD about smokin MJ. its for degenerates. its INHERENTLY DEGENERATE.
its TERRIBLE that I still want to do it. that I still want to do it WITH HER. goddam degenerate DEVILS CABBAGE.
if anyone speaks glowing of MJ, publicly humiliate them! and then go smoke it privately hahahhaha.
i really hate successful people who make like 30k a year who say i can smoke MJ and I’m a successful productive member of society! I’m happy with my life and my job and I am a successful family man! and I make 30k a year!
comment sections of news articles on legalizing mj and all these pro-legalization types saying shit like that.
well i am pro legalization too, but more of the “conservative libertarian” way, rather than Have Big Govt Regulate and Tax Tax Tax it! but let each city decriminalize it.
i mean I just imagine all the tax money being wasted anyway, like the 200 million in tax revenue colorado got from MJ. it will just be wasted on public skools in black ghettos hahahaha where the money wont do any good. or paying teacher administrator pensions hahahahahaha.
it wont go to fix shitty roads, it wont go to more police and ems in black crime ghettos, or blight cleanup, or anything useful like that. thats where your MJ tax money will go. just like alcohol and tobacco tax money.
so yeah dont tax it. save the money to build up MJ production companies hahahaha. or even small time MJ producers in the cities where it is legal.
well companies are STILL gonna drug test for jobs anyway, that practice has not changed even in colorado, in fact its probably gotten even more prevalent! cuz now theres more lazy ingrish potheads out there who would make terrible workers hahahaha.
i am being partially facetious since i always try to work my hardest even if i am using MJ afterwards.
but maybe i am just a shitty worker but i think i am a good worker.
i mean shit, i can’t handle the bare minimum at muh old job! my best was worse than their worst! hahahahaha.
NO, that’s not entirely true. for a good long while I was good and getting better. establishing a reputation for excellence. might have even been promoted in 2 more years, hahahahaha, for a company that never promotes from within!
(i of course dont want to work for a company that doesnt promote from within hahahaha)
because hiring outsiders for upper level jobs is a YUGGGGEEEEE red flag of a shitty horrible company. run dont walk.
applied for great job at Dream Employer University, but its 36k. when my skills are only worth 26k hahahaha. isnt it a waste of 25 minutes to apply for this?
i found another one that pays 15 an hour. much better. but still out of my league hahaha.
in fact the jobs that pay 13 an hour, aka 26k a year…..dont usually even list their pay. they just say nothing.
so i guess the lesson is, always apply for the jobs that dont list a number, because that number is probably low enough to be closer to your actual worth.
but still. why not just list the god damn pay for ALL jobs, from 10 dollar an hour to 40 dollars an hour jobs, so people that think the pay is too low, wont even apply.
unless they are trying to overreach and get people who would normally be “too good” to apply????
well that’s not what I do, i apply for 12 and 11 dollar an hour jobs if they seem chill/easy or I like the company.
anyway the 15 an hour job would be GREAT. like 5 miles away, full time office job, for satellite campus of bigass university that probably takes average care of its employees with 401k, health care, and at least 13 an hour wage hahahaha. 9 to 5 hours, weekends off, the works. real solid family man stuff. no joke.
very low low quality poast today. also very short. ENJOY!!!
ok survived that womans brithday which i think has passed. now she is another year older. definitely past her peak because women peak at 22 or 23 and she is well past that! thank God. but Im sure she still looks good 4 chad and tyrone, as long as she didnt pork up into a huge fatass. and i kinda hope she did. but her family was never fat. i mean her mother looked good for being near 50 years old. damn.
had phone interview with auto tech IT company. seems like great place to work. my salary requirements were in range. it is hourly. from like 15 to 17 bucks an hour. yikes. i said my range is like 12 to 16 hahahahaha.
so i talk to the 22 year old HR gurl today, they said 15 minutes but it lasted more like 27 minutes, is that good? then she will have me talk to the Controller (accounting), which will prob be tougher, and THEN if i impress the controller on the phone, i get to have an in person interview, and then if i do well on that, i get the 15 dollar job. but the company is well reputed as a good workplace. have benefits. doesnt seem like 50 hour weeks hahahahaha. the big challenge is keeping track of all the engineers and getting them to enter their time.
i marked the phone thing today as .5 of an interview.
tomorrow i have actual 1.0 interview with testing lab. i guess it used to be a big local name until 2011 when they were bought out. but this company is getting massive growth though. how. why. are they breaking the backs of their slave labor? they have a reputation for Precision and Accuracy. like they are getting certifications and accreditations and testing car and plane and parts and shit where failure could mean people die. you cant really cut corners on that……………..can you? well sure you can. you just determine the limit of acceptable risk. how many wrongful death lawsuits are you willing to deal with. how many millions of dollars per year can you afford for this type of shit hahaha. its all abotu acceptable risk. risk management. im sure they have lawyers. in house corporate counsel. the company is worth at least 1 billion dollars hahahaha. well that includes 50 facilities. it damn well BETTER be worth over a billion! i mean shit the facility im going to tomorrow has to be worth at least…..10 million? they do like 30 different tests and shit. shit isnt cheap.
changed the posting schedule of this blog, to post on wednesday, saturdays, and sundays. figuring people have more time to read on the weekends, so, fresh posts on saturday AND sunday. and then one during the busy week hehehehe. with a bunch of extra posts around crimbo and new years as a GIFT to muh LOYAL READERS hahahaha.
940 am, all showered and shaved and dressed up ready to go to interview, leave in 10 or 15 minutes, maybe have a ridiculous coffee anxiety poop again hahaha. why not.
you basically got to give them the confidence and be the most positive, can do person ever. and that was really lacking last week for the IT job i really wanted. this job today i am kinda meh. but its another interview towards muh goal hahaha. number 18.5 hahaha. gotta get to 25. maybe 30. maybe 40. hahahaha.
gene wilder dead? thats kinda sad. he was truly funny and talented and i feel he had real integrity and i wish he did more in his old age. was he a J? I just assume he was, but i am not 100% sure. I know I’ve looked it up before. he isnt screamingly J like mel brooks.
yes he was. totally J. not really suprised there. looks like he had alzheimers. i did not know that.
AYO HOL UP. If he was so DEVASTATED by his wife gilda radners death in 1989 that he retired from acting, and i thought they had True Luv….. then why the hell did he get married to his fourth wife in 1991? a paltry 2 years later? Gilda Radner should be rolling in her grave! that is like him taking a dump on her grave!
i couldnt imagine the Luv Of My Life DYING tragically of cancer, and then me getting MARRIED to a new woman TWO years later!
ACTUALLY THAT IS FOOKING AWFUL, GENE.
but what do you expect out of a damn J? hahahaha.
i guess i dont know the full story but that is still a little suspect. when i lost the luv of my life it took a full year for me to stop hating all women ahahahaha. and so now a year from now, i need to be MARRIED, after finding another good woman, falling in luv, getting to know them, etc.
a new low of 137.0 pounds today, that is nice. i guess i would like to get down to 130. before i said 135, now i say 130. maybe i am anorexic hahahahahahahaha.
had interview with the testing company. huge warehouse crammed with tons of machines and stuff. did they say my number was too high or too low with the number I gave them in the application? I then reiterated my range as 12 to 14 today. the two managers were nice enough. nothing funny in the interview. except the chair I was sitting in kinda sucked and made me look shorter than I am. and I am a damn MANLET as it is. I shoulda just made a Joke and then switched it with another chair. I was wearing muh suit. they were wearing polo shirts with the company logo.
dear gmail, do you have a feature to list the UNREAD (bold) messages? that would make a lot of sense if you like archive or move messages to folders….but havent read them yet.
i mean i can do this, but normies really cant, and even thats not the point. GOOGLE should have a better UX. UI. whatever. hahahaha.
i mean the interview went ok. better than the shitty one last monday. i tried to be confident and positive. if you can’t be super confident, at LEAST be POSITIVE as FOOK. I was pretty positive and somewhat confident.
so what WAS the pay? 13 an hour? seomthing around that. there are also benefit, health insurance, 401k, time off.
company is in GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT phase which means very busy. high prob of overtime. might involve going to a place 40 miles away. main facility is only 7 miles away. i was unaware of the 40 miles place. heh. it seemed like less than 50% of the time youd be going out there.
i had plenty of questions for them, i tried to act interested, tried to show i knew a little bit about the company, that i did my Homework and Due Diligence. I mean all job search advice tells you to do this. and I Do Do it!!!!!!!
but how do I do it compared to the other 5 people they are interviewing?
it was 5 or 6 other people interviewing they said.
finally got my TRS T shirt. it looks really good hahahahaha. apparently it was a small company that received its biggest order ever, so the guy was Busting His Ass to produce 500 shirts or whatever. well good. he seems happy for the business and has not complained about TRS being racist and he’s too good to take lots of money from racists.
some guy on the Despair Forums messaged me about being Alt Right, and I got all excited, and babbled for a little bit. he responded and I am trying to feel him out. It is safe to say we are in pretty different areas of the alt right. shit I think this guy might even be BLACK, hahahahahahahahahaha.
well then he is a black with his head on right hahahaha. he believes trump could help the blacks more than hillary, and i agree.
but yeah i am not really gonna be able to talk with a black about huhwhyte nationalism hahahaha.
hahahahaha and i thought alt right was just a DOGWHISTLE for “IM A WHITE RACIST!!!! WINK WINK!!!”
so i got excited to find another white racist……when in fact he is possibly a black nonracist. OH WELL. at least he is a Rightist!
i mean i study the companies before doing the interviews. i write thank you emails. i dress nice. i shave my face. i act very interested in the job. i ask questions at the end. what the hell am i doing wrong hahahaha. my fatal flaw is that i get a little nervous. and that i have such a long GAP. something must be DEEPLY WRONG with me. he needs SERIOUS HELP. he SHOULDNT BE working. or, he thinks hes gonna work HERE? HA! he needs to PAY HIS DUES first! get a job at walmart or mcdonalds or a shitty restaurant or call center, show that youre WILLING TO WORK first, before you can get an AWESOME job like this!
this is for that phone interview on monday. looks like the company is more reputable than i thought. winning all these best places to work awards, having many skilled and respected engineers, a destination kind of employer, that only wants the best of the best. which i am not. but i was when i was 17-18!
also my problem is that i cant just suck it up and live through a shitty job. it breaks me down into a Dumpster Fire and then I end up Committing Career Suicide and moving DOWN the career ladder ultimately. i dont really pay dues but get actively punished.
then i see all the people with engin degrees working for this palce, making 60k, thinking DAMN, I went to a TOP SKOOL, I went to a better skool than THEY did, why didnt I just get a damn ENGIN degree, then I could be making 60k too, I could have a wife and a FAMILY, and a good job, instead of being a huge neet loser who cant deal with LIFE.
and get angry and discouraged and slow down on muh job search hahaha.
yeah well today i am studying the company so i sound informed on muh 15 minute phone interview monday. see if its enough to overcompensate and get me a physical interview. prob not hahahaha.
then tomorrow i will study the company for tuesday int. much more of a blue collar place. but they are big and they have been around a while. not some fly by night arab company hahahaha. or shitty crab people asian company.
shit i had way more confidence in 2013 when i was working my mickey mouse job and was becoming close friends with That Woman.
see im desperate but i also cant take just any job because if i take a super shitty call center or customer service job, i am very worried about muh emotional health, and would i snap and quit. i dont want to put myself into a position like that so i avoid applying for those kinda jobs. high stress jobs hahahaha.
thinking about partying tonight with a valium nyquil combo. it is saturday nigth after all.
so, have a better feeling about the tuesday interview than the monday interview as a job i could actually GET. but i feel the monday place would be more fun and chill and better workplace than the tuesday place. well of COURSE its HARD to get into a GOOD workplace! the easier the job is to get, the WORSE the job is gonna be, the more it is gonna push you to your Limit. and not in the good way hahahaha.
took the valium nyquil combo around 645 pm, did 4.2 mile powerwalk, went to bed, slept pretty good. the combo i guess chilled me out a little bit and made me sleep good. would still prefer partaking MJ hahahaha.
it shuts your mind down, you cant think negative thoughts because it takes too much effort to think at all hahahaha. in other words it might be difficult to WORK, where you are trying to solve problems and bullshit on your feet all day. explaining and bullshitting and coming up with plans and reasons and explanations and answers and solutions.
sheeeeeeeit. it might be That Womans birthday very very soon. thankfully it doesnt bother me as much as youd think it would. one of my goals was to spend a womans birthday with her and have birthday cuddling with them, or having them spend my birthday with me and have birthday cuddling. or secs. or handholding. or making out. or hanging out.
never happened though hahahahahahaha. 2 years ago i went to dinner with my female friend and it was near her birthday and i was right on the CUSP of starting to feel differently about her. but not quite sure i was there yet. but i was getting very close.
in fact i wasnt even sure what her exact birthday was. it takes a while before someones birthday is a big deal for you. you gotta know them at least a year.
and the next year of course i would ahve really liked to spend her bday with her but by that time we were DONE.
and now we’ve been DONE for a full YEAR after that.
i heard this song when this album came out in 1998, 18 years ago hahahaha and i was a stupid angsty high schooler listening to the weekly radio metal show. i thought the song was very catchy and epic and it was the first time i enjoyed anything like power metal.
i never listened to the whole album. i will now give it a chance hehehehe.
hmm very sleepy and tired today, the day after the nyquil. i guess thats not suprising.
cheap “skullcandy” earbuds lasted only 2 weeks. what cheap chinese crap. one ear went out then the other ear went out very quickly. one ear is bad enough and time to buy a new pair of cheap chinese throwaway garbage.
537 that is my new goal hahahaha. 537 job applications hahahaha. i get 1 interview for roughly every 21.4 applications hehehehe. and so if i want 25 interviews, then 537.
i am “only” at 386 so far.
i have been slowing down lately, getting a bit discouraged.
maybe i should contact her on her birthday hahahahahahaha. no i am just joking.
did SHE ever contact ME on MY birthday? HELL NO! she didnt even KNOW when my birthday was! although i kinda make it hard. you have to ask me and then mark it down on your calendar. which nobody does because they just use facebook to remember birthdays hahahaha.
but yeah at one time she was a real friend and i havent found any new friends to fill that friend gap. and i liked having that kind of person playing that kind of role in my life. i mean shit it was a two way street too, i was playing the same role in her life too.
ok went to shitstore and bought some shitty 10 dollar sony earbuds that i HOPE will last 1 month.
listen to some of the hammerfall album, see if its any good. need more positive shit hahahaha.
was listening to george feels and he had a very sad pathetic feelsy video and i was like yep i shouldnt listen to this, this is not gonna help me. something basically how he had done nothing with the past 3 years of his life, his biggest accomplishment was not jerking off for 100 days hahahaha. in 3 fookin years. so he felt bad about that and then i felt bad too about not accomplishing anything with my life either hahaha.
well i did accomplish a bit in the past 3 years: moved from old job to new job, became close friends with that woman, pushed myself to the limit with new job, did some super amazing shit that i lose sight of now, and cant convince employers that once i was valuable hahahaha, went on road trip with old friend, fell in luv with female friend, saw 3 classic concerts, discovered trs, and then shit started going bad, rel with woman fell apart, lost job, got dumped, was in a state of deep despair for months, started a gym membership for the first time in life, lost 30 pounds, applied to 386 jobs and went on 18 interviews, got 2 new good suits. so yeah id say i accomplished more than george hahahahaha in the past 3 years. there was some epically BAD shit, as well as some pretty good shit too, but the bad shit has been what i remembered most and what i am lingering in now.
anyway POINT IS, there was plenty of good shit or not bad shit, or at least forward moment or personal improvement.
but all the good shit happened in the first half, and all the bad shit happened in the second half, so the bad shit is all i remember.
well, losing the 30 pounds is a big deal and i am doing that right now.
so is buying the suit, and doing the interviews.
but the interviews also suck because they dont lead to anything.
inherently, the interviews are a good thing and i should view them as such, rather than DISQUALIFYING THE POSITIVE. and saying yeah interviews a normally all right, but THESE interviews arent so good because they dont RESULT in anything.
yes in our results oriented world its difficult saying something that doesnt have any results is a good thing.
but each abortion failure of an interview hahahaha is getting me closer to my goal of 25.
and the interviews arent really abortion failures. i look all right, i sound smart, although a little nervous, i show that ive done my homework on the company, i write thank you notes, i am one of 4 finalists for a 45k job, i mean come on these are all good things.
but the overall general shame of being an unemployable neet bum is SUCH MAGNITUDE hehehehe that it casts a shadow on all the other shit.
anyway, point is, there is a DECENT AMOUNT of good stuff ive done the past 3 years…..its just overshadowed by the bad shit because the bad shit was more recent, and honestly it was ABSOLUTELY DEVASTATING. it was probably greater magnitude than the positive stuff was positive. but there WAS still somewhat DECENT magnitude of positiveness on the positive stuff.
PLUS, we always interpret bad things worse than we interpret good things as good. in other words, really good shit WEARS OFF QUICKLY, while bad shit lingers. so we need like 5 good things to lift us up for every 1 bad thing. defeat feels much worse than victory feels good. FACT.
anyway point is george has his more positive videos and his more negative videos, and i should stay away from the neg ones. and so should he. being that we are very much alike and struggle with the same problems.
and just like him i need to focus on the positive and essentially IGNORE the negative. because its focusing on the negative and IGNORING THE POSITIVE that has gotten us in this horrible mindset. low energy, very low confidence, lazy, neet, in a rut, spinning the wheels, not trying, giving up easily, defeatist, etc.
i listened to a bit of the hammerfall and it made me want to listen to judas priest “painkiller” so i did. i guess they have similar sounding productions and the drum bit at the beginning of the album is a direct tribute to painkiller possibly. but the hammerfall is definitely a bit more “power metal” and the singer doesnt really sound like halford. which is FINE. halford is awesome, but i wanted something a bit more power metally anyway. like ridiculous, somewhat epic songs and songs about warriors and courage and all that. whereas judas priest is arguably not very power metally while at the same time influencing every power metal band….they never fully went that way themselves, because they were sorta reinventing themselves on every album.
probably iron maiden is the more power metally band.
ok when i get muh 15 emails every morning with job stuff, i should SET THE TIMER and go through those in 30 minute chunks and then basically log and keep track of that time. because it does take valuable time is money. and i should measure that timemoney for muh job search metrics hahahaha. spreadsheetz.
so, start the timer, go in 30 maybe 40 minute increments, and keep track of that time! dont just look at the list of emails and groan and go through them without keeping track of your VALUABLE 14 DOLLAR AN HOUR TIME! USE THE CASH CLOCK!!!!!
heh. note to self and others: if you think you can make “bulletproof coffee” with cold or cool coffee, think again hahahaha. i thought i could somehow “whip” muh spreadable butter into the coffee if i stirred it vigorously enough. now there are just many disgusting little blobs of butter in the coffee hahahaha.
maybe a blender would work better?
dsw shoe place sucked, my next place is jcpenney. jcp does not have Crocs tho hahahaha. they do have nike and adidas and new balance running shoes tho.
ok the cool coffee with blobs of butter was so gross that i had to microwave it hehehehe.
i used to go to kohls as muh main one stop department store but i might become a jcpenneys man hahahaha. i have been dissatisfied with kohls for a few years. plus mr kohl himself is a LITERAL JOO. plus their sonoma store brand, the pants never fit well, even though just looking at them they look good.
what about MACYS. what about BURLINGTON hahahaha. i dont really luv shopping but i dont really luv looking like a neet virgin either!
but since i am always losing or gaining weight, all my clothes are either too big or too small.
yeah that gris 2007 album IEUF is more up my alley than their 2013 album. production wise at least. it is more black metal. im not crapping on the 2012 album, i just want soething more black metally right now.
singer sounds really good still, guitars are more black metally, drums sound good. 2013 album, no real problem with, but I am SUCH an AUTISTE about production that if the production isnt PERFECT, I cant even listen to it. so the 2007 album is more perfect sounding to my autist ears than the 2013 album. which isnt bad and could certainly be a grower. i cant crap on gris, they have an obviously great style.
yesterday i thought that infamous blackgaze phaggot NEIGE sort of looks like That Woman. ok i just watched a video of him and….not really. he does have really nice long hair like she did though hahaha. and a big nose like she does. he sorta looks like nick cage tho. did SHE look like nick cage? that might be enough to turn me off of her hahahaha. Nick cage is weirdly handsome but i dont want a woman who looks like nick cage. or neige.
i remember listening to “ecailles de lune” when it first came out (2010???) and i was like wow this is pretty neat, very atmospheric. back then “blackgaze” was not even a word. and i was impressed with neiges screaming voice. it was a decent straight up “depressive shrieking” which is a lot like what gris does.
now neige was never really “depressive.” at all. but its probably not a stretch to say maybe some of his stuff was more “melancholy.”
heh being with that woman brought me to that magical nostalgic peaceful fantasy world alcest is always going on about.
if im reading this correctly, its that neige never even listened to shoegaze until people kept telling him his music sounded pretty shoegazey, then he discovered slowdive and went all in with his shelter album. so, in other words, like one reviewer says, neige invented blackgaze “by accident.”
i noticed that when i heated up the disgusting butter blob coffee in the microwave, the butter melted and STAYED MELTED even as the mixture cooled off to around room temperature. i thought it might turn back to blobs. nope.
ok now what if you melted the butter in the microwave, then poured it into cool coffee? room temp coffee? my goal is to have it NOT turn into blobs!
ok made the phone call to the auto service before the end of the day like i was wanting to. i still hate making phone calls! there is a recall due to air bags. i can get it repaired fo free but have been putting it off. normies have to take an unpaid day off work and risk getting FIRED whenever they need to get their car fixed hehehe. i can do this anytime, because i am a jobless neet, but i was afraid to make the call. well today i called them finally. it was either that or go to jcpenney.
looks like my nemesis KOHLS has crocs. why am i so fascinated by crocs. they are ridiculous. are you supposed to wear socks with them? because i would use them as sandals and NOT wear socks with them.
ok there is a crocs STORE near my house, in the newer mall that i refuse to go to because all the kewl young gurls go there. hehehe. all the more reason to go there. follow 18 year old hawtties around like a 35 year old creeper hahahahahahahahahahaha jk.
be like wanna come back to my huge molester van and smoke MJ and listen to GRIS hahhahahaha. maybe gris AND trist. is that supposed to rhyme.
no i dont have a huge molester van!
also i dont have any MJ. and i damn sure wouldnt have the balls to ask 18 year old gurls to come to muh van and smoke MJ with me hahahahahahaha.
women: dont be such disgusting, degenerate nihilists! or is it nihilistic degenerates.
like stories of the bride to be on a bachelorette party getting drunk and they run into a bachelor party and then the bride to be fooks some badboi right before she is supposed to be getting married. and the expectation is that the husband fooks skanks on his bachelor party.
YOU DONT OWN ME! i can do what i want with my body! dont be so possessive and controlling and clingy! of course i can fook other people when i am getting married the next day! marriage doesnt mean monogamy! monogamy is misogyny! monogamy is HATE!
heh whenever you meet a married couple, ask them if they have an open marriage. the proper reaction is to react with lip curling disgust. NO, we’re not DEGENERATE. then you say, good, i was testing you to see if you are degenerate. you passed. good for you. i dont associate with open marriage degenerates. we live in such a degenerate, nihilistic era, that some people think that cheating on your husband or wife is just fine. just making sure you’re not like that. just making sure youre not such a shitty goddamn cheater that both of you have rationalized that cheating is ok. fook that shit.
when i was out in the world working muh horrible job, i was amazed at how many normal people were DISGUSTING CHEATERS. people who seemed normal and nice were cheating on their husbands and wives. and it seemed MORE prevalent with the OLDER people, like by the time you get to 30, cheating is just a normal thing you do as your first marriage falls apart. super black pill. aso. brack pirru.
german tech company has not responded to my email saying yes you can call me to do the phone screening at these times. they contacted me first! then i responded back promptly. and now nothing.
had semi weird dream that provided interesting food for thought. sheeeeeeeit at least 8-9 years ago my male friend had a gf and they were quite serious, have been in a traditional monogamous nondegen ltr for liek 4 years at least. i hung out with muh friend a lot, she hung out with him a lot, so i saw a lot of her, which can often be a problem in male male franships, except that i got along with her really well, and i was not really the third wheel. we would all have fun smokin MJ and watching movies and eating food and having dranks or whatever.
anyway my friend and the woman broke up. i was still very friendly with her and even hung out with her a little bit, which i was well away at the time was potentially controversial. yes it would be, i thought, if i had any designs on her! but she’s just a nice person, we get along well, and i dont have any other female friends. its not like im trying to GET with her. that would be just weird. and also potentially traitorous to my friend. i dont want to do that.
“on the job training provided for the RIGHT candidate” ???!?!?!?!?!!
OH THANK YOU SO MUCH.
not even taking into account that “on the job training” is ABSOLUTELY JOOISH BULLSHIT, but now its just being dangled as the reward for GOOD performers only. otherwise you get punished by being fired, or no OJT at all.
and of course the main reason OJT is BULLSHIT is because ITS NOT TRAINING AT ALL.
its you look like an untrained idiot in front of customers, then bother another busy person to show you how to do your job, and their customers and your customers wait impatiently and get bitchy, and you look bad, and your coworker resents you, and the company looks bad. lose lose lose lose lose situation.
anyway. re the 2008 or so woman. yeah she pretty much was a female friend. i got along with her well, she was very nice to me, and she was qt. sound familiar?
one day something Snapped, and i was like WOW she is a TOTAL qt, i would really like to bang her. but thats weird because that is one of muh best friends ex gfs. i respect him enough to never do something like that. but damn she is a real qt for sure……
and this was after she had started dating a new guy. probably a little too soon for my liking after the end of her rel with my friend.
so, after they break up and are single for 2 months, thats when my feelings start to change, and then when they start dating a new guy, my feelings are unequivocally changed. like maybe hmm. so you were looking for a new man but didnt even consider me.
now, with that 2008 woman, i didnt have a deep luving infatuation or crush on her like with w2015. i just wanted to bang her. but i liked her as a friend. and the emotions were conflicting and confusing. also, we hung out much less as she dated the new guy. also the new guy seemed like a decent enough guy, i think they might have gotten married or at least stayed together for years.
so, w2015 was like the next level of that: we were even closer friends, i was more in luv with her, the whole thing went on for longer. also there was never the issue that i might be betraying a friend of mine, because she was never dating a friend of mine. i became friends with her directly.
but yeah in the dream there was that woman from 2008 and i guess i was trying to secs her up, touching her and trying to take her clothes off.
so yeah the main takeaway is that i probably had some kind of feelings for her, and was an indicator that i was capable of getting feelings for a female friend who i thought was just friends. or at the very least I could discover that there was signif Secsual Attraction there that I wasn’t initially aware of. and its weird. because you think ive known this person for months or years and its only NOW I’m “discovering” this physical attraction for them? when men including me can usually tell within seconds whether or not a gurl is attractive?
I think i always knew these women were attractive, but there were other mitigating circumstances where I knew that being actively attracted to them was morally wrong (gf of my friend, and or she has a bf) or inconvenient (shes just a friend, besides i am hung up on other women)
anyway i never had a big blowout with the 2008 woman, i was never deeply in luv with her, we just sorta drifted apart as she got more serious with her new bf. but there was no hard feelings and no hate or bitterness or coldness or butthurt whatsoever, and i remember her fondly and wish the best for her.
and my male friend found another seemingly decent woman and got married to her and they had a baby and i hope they have more. all white of coursh hahahaah. they have been together for like 7 or 8 years and she seems decent, i dont think she’ll ruin the marriage hahahaha. i dont really know her tho.
i was reading a blut aus nord review yesterday and the guy was like memoria vetusta II is a special album, i listened to it after muh GF gave birth to her child.
implying that the child was not his.
implying that this skank got knocked up by some loser who ran off immed after getting her pregnant.
implying that she started dating this black metal loving sap WHILE she was pregnant with the other guys child
DONT DATE ANYONE WHILE YOU ARE PREGNANT WITH ANOTHER GUYS CHILD! JUST STAY AWAY FROM MEN!!!!! DONT EVEN DATE EMO OMEGA NICEGUYS!!!!!
then the reviewer was like, i was devastated when she left me and i couldnt listen to this album for a long time.
and i thought, WOW, this guy is super pathetic cringe.
first, falling in luv with a pregnant woman.
second, being dumped by her after she has the baby, and being so upset by it.
THERE BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD GO I.
the woman should be glad any man can still love her after she had another man’s bastard.
yet she dumps him exactly because he is a sniveling, supplicating, weak, phaggy omega.
don’t be that guy.
i have never fallen in luv with a Single Mother or been dumped by a single mother, and I hope I NEVER do.
i guess i would bang a slutty single mother. but i still have a healthy disrespect for single mothers.
i mean theyll never tell you the truth. its always its all the guys fault. he was a total jerk and deadbeat. and acutally that may be the truth. but then…..why would you have a baby with him? because you are a white ingra who lives on instant gratification and cant think of the future. and i damn sure cant trust you. you create life WILLY NILLY with men who would be terrible fathers! your judgment is even worse than the average womans! which is pretty goddamn bad as it is!
thats ROCK BOTTOM. when you are desperately in LUV with a single mother. I hope i NEVER get there.
especially a pregnant woman. she picks deadbeats who cant even stay around for 9 months. and why are they even putting themselves on the market when they are PREGNANT? and what kind of pathetic guy sees that and says yep thats acceptable? a rock bottom man even more desperate than I hahahahahahaha.
so he can go beat off with his own foreveralone virgin neet tears with his blut aus nord albums hahahahahaha.
no i have nothing against BaN and I would like to listen to them……if they didnt use a DAMN DRUM MACHINE.
USE REAL DAMN DRUMS. yet for 20 years and 20 albums the guy uses a blatant machine sounding drum machine. yet i can appreciate him as a good guitar player and probably good songwriter. so just play the drums YOURSELF, i will take a sloppy amateurish drum performance over a MACHINE ANY DAY. the most important thing is the drums sound good, and this guy is prob enough of a Studio Nerd to put in effort to get good sound. so just get a good sound and put in a completely amateur burzum drum performance. shit i LIKE the way varg plays drums. its NOT HARD to play in time. just fookin PRACTICE for a few hours. and the practice should be FUN, because DRUMS ARE FUN. inherently. fooking call ME up and i will do the drums even though i am the biggest amateur and havent touched a drum set in like 8 years.
i am AUTISTIC about drums as you can see hahaha and I HATE drum machines in black metal. any kind of metal or rock. electronic drums are JUST FINE in electronic music. but elsewhere? never.
ok. had butter coffee plus a .25 scoop of protein this morning. as much as i hate to take in calories before 12 noon hahahaha.
heated up coffee in microwave so the butter actually melted hahahaha.
so now i am comparing and contrasting that woman with the woman from 2008. they were similar in that they were both very nice to me, we got along well, and they were willing to hang out with me, hahahaha. when i first met w2015, i guess she sorta reminded me of w2008. they even looked a little alike. but as of right now, i found w2015 way qter. she had longer legs and longer hair and a bigger bottom and i liked all that very much. jeeeeeez. the less said the better. damn. sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit.
but yeah in the dream i was very hot to bang the woman from 2008. and i think i got her pants off and got a glimpse of The Action, but then the dream faded out. of courshe.
anyway i hope she is married with children by now. she has to be about 30 years old by now. WOW.
and one day That Woman will be 30 too. about 4 years from now hahahaha.
sheeeeeit i wish i were 25 or 26 again and had a full 4 years to go before 30!
anyway. were these women REALLY all that similar? or did the fact that they were qt and nice to me and friends with me and we got along make me THINK they were similar.
well they had sort of similar faces. both had pale white skin. they both partook MJ and because of that seemed chill and Cool. the previous woman had a lame tattoo but it wasnt a dealbreaker.
but you develop a fondness and sense of closeness when you see a woman regularly for over a year and get along well.
oh yeah at the tech interview they (the actual tech supervisor) asked me if i understood the OSI model. I grimaced and said yeah I’d studied it in a networking class about 5 years ago but I honestly don’t remember a lot of specific. I know there are 6 to 8 layers, including the application layer and the network layer, but…..I’m sorry sir, I would have to refresh my memory on it, but I assure you I would do that very quickly. hahahahaha.
heh. yeah we covered it in muh networking class which kinda sucked. the teacher was a nice guy but he wasnt a great teacher. its HARD to be a great teacher with a topic like this. but you kinda need it because the shit is kinda obtuse. it does NOT come naturally. it does NOT make much sense.
rejection email for 20 hour a week, 11 dollar an hour part time job at local college where i was kinda hoping to get the job and they seemed to like me. DAYUM. interview was 11 days ago.
it was a doable job, nothing glorious, but nothing that would make me ragequit, i could go there for 20 hours a week and at least HOLD DOWN SOME SORT OF JOB while looking for another job.
meanwhile that bitch works FT making 16 dollars an hour and doesnt ragequit and has already made 30k more than i have in the past year hahahahaha.
hehehehe i hate competing with women in career IN ADDITION TO essentially competing for their physical and emotional favor. now you have to make more money than them and have better career status than them too.
and it does make you feel like much less of a man when a woman whos much younger than you is doing a LOT better than you with career and making money. no WONDER she rejected you, ya damn neet loser! you cant work and make money like a real man!
sheeeeeeit that guy who i was playing phone tag with called me BACK! and i missed the call! i called him right back and got VM. sheeeeeit. so now i will call him back every 10 or 20 minutes until 5 pm hahahaha.
it is 325 right now.
i didnt expect him to call me back! after i called him back, left a voice mail, then called him again the next day. i just figured he’d call one of the other 500 applicants.
this fookin guy i used to work with fookin looked at my linkedin profile and stole some of my blurbs for HIS shit with the company!!!!!! white guy but fat as fook. he was obnoxious because of his fatness alone. he was REALLY fat. typical computer gamer who does nothign but sit at the gaming machine and eat fast food and drink soda. he had a GF but guess what, she was a fat pig too hahahahahahaha. she might have been cute if she lost at least 100 pounds too! she was young and didnt have a fat ugly face.
i only talked to him once and he was not as obnoxious as i thought he’d be hahahahaha. so i figure he’s just a decent white guy struggling, so i will let him copy and paste my paragraph hahahaha. not sure if he found a new job yet. he strikes me as not too much of a go getter. probably milked his unemployment as much as possible hahahaha. he went to a high school in a real white trash area of town, so its good he’s not a drug addicted, pill popping, tattooed eminem wannabe hahahahaha.
come to think of it, there were quite a few people from that white trash high school at this job. before working there, i had never really met anyone who went to that school.
my female former friend could have gone to a REALLY white trash high school but she somehow got school of choiced into a better high school? I think? I would have liked a chance to talk to her more about that. get to know her better hahahahaha. i hate fookin WOMEN hahahhhaha.
FINALLY. got ahold of the guy, got interview set up for tuesday 4 days from now. NOICE. number 18. unsuccessful interview number 18. got to get to 25 or so hahahaha.
entry level test technician for testing inspection and certification. testing parts. really hands on he says. did not ask about wage sheeeeeeeeeeeit.
hey dont get the hopes up hahahaha. this is ONLY the 18th interview. i got to get to at LEAST 25, 30, 40, or 50 remember hahahaha. im not lean and mean enough yet. havent paid muh dues yet.
but yeah i get SOME confidence boost from getting a new interview. and then can also get a conf boost if the interview goes ok. if the interview does NOT go ok, then i feel bad for a few days hahahaha.
of course, even if the interview goes ok and i feel good, i still know i wont get the job hahahaha.
also the place is really close too. and full time. probably at least 12 an hour hahaha.
its only 7 miles away. dayum. believe me that is huge.
today i kinda felt like going on okcupid and seeing what kinda bangable 25 year old sluts there are out there. i mean i dont want to go to a meth addicted hooker, so might as well go to a oxy addicted nihilistic skank who beleives their nihilism and hedonism is something like “i am a very LOVING person, i LOVE everybody.”
TO LOVE ALL EQUALLY IS TO LOVE NONE WELL
-t. i cant remember who, some vaguely alt right person of courshe hahaha.
ok gonna give this one a try now. i heard their first album years ago and remembered it was pretty good “atmoblack”, not all pvssy and blackgaze, yeah theyre hardcore pagans but they didnt seem like communists. also i found the fact that they were english to be interesting. maybe an anglo saxon sort of paganry hahahaha.
WOW the hr gurl who is 10 years younger than me, confirmed the phone interview finally, for monday. sheeeeit i thought she forgot about me too. well i have never had a phone interview to bomb hahahaha. i am not confident they will call me in for an in person interview.
and then i have an in person interview on tuesday.
i am not counting the phone interview as a real interview, ie, towards muh number.
so the one on tuesday (plane/car parts testing lab) is The 18th Interview. well 18 is an auspicious number in golf. maybe the 18th will be my lucky one hehehehe.
and today a guy i went to community college with 5 years ago sent me a request on linkedin. we were in an economics study group together for the one bitchy econ prof. i wonder how many econ instructors they have today. come on. like they couldnt just get some dime a dozen mba to adjunct instruct econ 101 and 102 for 15 bucks an hour hahahahaha.
oh sorry i guess they make more like 30 bucks an hour. well. hmmm. thats not bad then.
wodensthrone album was ok, good, listenable i guess hahaha. i listened to the first song, some of the second song. all long songs hahaha. and mainly listend to the fatherland.
sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit. had a dream with small part from this tall qt young girl we used to work with. when she first came on, i was like, this girl is like a better version of that woman. prettier, younger, i should focus on her, to try to forget about that woman. who knows if she were nicer, but that woman had stopped being nice to me anyway. she seemed a LITTLE bitchy and obnoxious.
anyway the point is, ANY woman can be nice to you if they WANT, AND if a qt young woman is being NICE to you, you will forget about the other woman who was nice to you once and you cant seem to get over. its not hard or rare to be nice. they just have to be WILLING to be nice. which for me is pretty rare hahahaha.
anyway i think in the dream i was trying to muster up the courage to sit next to the qt gurl and start talking to her confidently. see if she was willing to be nice to me or a huge bitch hahahaha. ultimately i never did. well at least THAT WOMAN wasnt in the dream. and it made the point that I COULD get over her and move on from her and feel something for another woman some day, the main things is that they are young and pretty, and that they are being NICE to me. shit even a slut mudshark could get me to like her that way. an attractive woman being NICE to you goes a LONNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGG way. you wouldnt even believe it. but believe me. it is a VERY powerful thing that will quickly melt your heart of ice.
and yeah it does help a lot when you find the woman attractive. vs, i dunno, do i want to settle for this possibly-unacceptable level of attractiveness, she’s not very attractive at all.
yeah i really wanted to KNOCK IT OUT OF THE PARK on the tech job interview yesterday, but I did not. I mean i didnt do super horrible, i did about average considering, but i wish they had an hour instead of 45 minutes. cuz i was rushing through every answer, couldnt quite think straight, def lost some confidence and it showed.
well they were only interviewing 3 people not 10 people, so i have a better chance, right?
is the county that busy they have to rush interviews as quickly as possible? i dont think so. my prev employer was that busy. because we were SLAMMED all day every day and kept things LEAN. now the university i really want to get into, they had hourlong plus interviews. somewhat relaxed, or least the idea they could take as long as they wanted to interview someone, and let them talk.
i dunno, just so much that doesnt make sense, doesnt add up, and you will never make sense or get your closure, and you have to accept that some things will never make sense. just let it go.
yeah but when its your JOB to make SENSE of shit….. well do you REALLY need ot make actual sense of it, or can you just BULLSHIT something to your customer or to your Team Leader. mm hmmm.
so yeah i did not knock it out of the park. also i was just caught off guard by that weird aborted interview earlier in the day.
i mean how would a normie handle that? heh normies dont even get into these situations because they are HAVES who HAVE jobs, HAVE been gainfully employed for years, HAVE a wife who gives them some effort and loyalty. hehehehe. she might bitch and nag but she hasnt LEFT them yet.
you might hate it when she bitches and NAGS and is not nice to you…..but how would you react if she just LEFT you without a word and you never heard from her again?
be happy when she nags you because it means shes not willing to LEAVE you….yet hahahahahahahaha. oh this is horrible woman worshipping white knighting. better man up guys! be THANKFUL your wife is JUST a nag!
no the woman SHOULD be MATURE about it and realize nagging never works, its passive aggressive immature bullshit…..but there you have the unrealistic expectation that a woman should be an adult, specifically should handle conflict in a rel like an adult. this is like asking uncle adi to luv the joos hahahaha. like asking ME to luv joos hahahaha. not gonna happen. i hope it never happens hahahaha. like asking a crusader to luv the muslim swine trying to invade his europe and rape his european women. of course thats exactly whats happening now. but these weak pathetic feminized men are not CRUSADERS in any sense! they are literal CUCKS!
unlike a REAL cuck, i never liked being cucked, or even the suggestion of. it always made me fly into a Righteous Rage, and this is the proper response, so I’m glad I still have that.
this god damn office assistant job for the trucking company KEEPS getting posted every few weeks, open for a few days, get 400 more applications, it goes away for a few weeks, comes back and get 400 more applications…..its frustrating because i want to know what the fok they are DOING here.
maybe all the thousands of people applying are desperate and they are holding out for the Perfect Candidate. well they dont want a harvard grad, they want someone super young who is currently going to harvard. not gonna happen. so they want say maybe a second year undergrad at [local univ] who is doing a useful degree, getting 4.0, is 19 or 20 years old, has VERY good people skills, is VERY attractive, but prob want a smart man who will actually get stuff done, was an eagle scout, probably the type of go getters who go to naval academy or west point, ok how about they are big at ROTC at local university then, cuz again, if they are west point, they cant work here.
so that would be their perfect candidate then: a 20 year old halfwhite attractive tall male, eagle scout, honors student at local university, ROTC, business and or engineering, very charismatic and confident and mature.
i have sent in 2 or 3 applications to this company for this job or jobs very much like it.
maybe they have a database so they can see how many times a person applied. and if you get to like 10 or 20, then you get an interview. assuming you are not the perfect candidate described above. they havent found him yet, otherwise they would fill the position and stop posting.
or maybe they fill it, and the job is so stupid, the person quits. or is fired. and they have to hire someone again. but why not just go back to the pool of 1000 applicants? because its worth it to spend the time accepting 1000 NEW applicants so you can Cultivate the strongest pool ever? why do they NEED MOAR APPLICANTS when they aleady have like 2000????!?!?!?!?!!??!?!
it will never make sense, dont try to make sense out of it, dont get angry hahahahaha.
go for powerwalk in peak sun today, call chemical testing guy when i get back. maybe my Market Value is good enough for one call, but certainly not Phone Tag.
i mean why not just email me? I’ve had interviews set up via email, no one ever talked to me for even 1 minute.
my resume has had my correct email on it for like 10 years hahahaha. he has my email.
maybe when i send in my shit for the third time for this trucking company, which i think is a subsidiary of a very shady local trucking company that has a reputation for horrible service and very unhappy customers and is probably just a front for money laundering hahahahaha. anyway i will do something disruptive with muh cover letter and really make it jump out at them and show what a value add i am, than my usual form cover letter that its obvious i am using to apply to 500 jobs. but seriously, i modify each cover letter with statements referring to the company’s mission and vision hahaha. i really do. i look up the mission and vision statement and use some marketingspeak taken from the company’s own website. i am PASSIONATE about serving the LTL Logistics needs of your clients and being on the leading edge etc.
i would say most normies go through 5 to 10 interviews before getting a decent job. they don’t know the pain of doing 20 to 30 interviews hehehehe. a more protracted, prolonged struggle. twice the rejection, twice the time.
heh imagine if i actually approached women the way i do job searching. at least with jobs i actually submit the shit and go on interviews. with women i dont even Women Search on OK cupid or whatever, go out on dates, and get rejected. i might actually have some success if i did!
called the guy from testing company again, voice mail again. i left voice message yesterday, giving him muh email address and Mobile phone number. i am not gonna leave him a second voice mail!
but yeah that stupid fake interview at the hospital, i guess that ended up really grinding my gears and discouraging me. like how could you be MORE insulting that continually rejecting me. oh. how about finally inviting me to an interview, and then essentially aborting the interview during the first question and saying i shouldnt apply to just anything because im desperate. god damn. what did they tell the black 19 year old gurl that talked like an unprivileged savage hahahaha. well they probably said she was just perfect for this job.
i guess in order to make 11 dollars an hour i HAVE to go to walmart or mcd’s. because the places that have Boring, Stressless 11 dollar an hour part time jobs want a very specific kind of person.
so i think about that woman a lot, not as much as i used to thank god, but i know i SHOULDNT. but i cant help myself. i think about how shes doing, what shes doing with her life, not just because i was in luv with her, but because she was an actual part of my life. this comes from being friends for 3 years. then the person is GONE, and you cant help but miss them and think of them sometimes. i wonder what so and so is doing.
i am sure she has HAD to have had a few thoughts like that about me. and then what does she tell herself about that? probably something like Oh. Sigh. That was just pathetic. i guess i hope he’s doing well but he was at such a pathetic place in his life. hes got to really work on his career and not get so heartbroken over women. i mean shit hes 35 years old, he has to get a plan for his life to accomplish something. so sad. he was a nice guy but SO SAD.
well at least ive gotten over the idea that she hates me and thinks i betrayed her!!!!!
now she just goes AW. HOW SAD. SMH. nice guy, but SO SAD. So Pathetic. I hope for his sake he moves on. Ive moved on. Im doing well. he was a mess. i hope he gets the help he needs. I couldnt deal with that. he was a good friend but could you IMAGINE me and him DATING!! PSHAW! How could he GET such a ridiculous idea! what a sad, pathetic loser. sometimes you need to Let Go of those sorts of Negative People in your life.
WHAT A WAY TO BE REMEMBERED! WAY TO BE THAT GUY hahahaha.
i mean shit. if anyone deserves to be emotionally compromised its me. dont get SO emotional about someone LIKING you. just be like welp i dont return his feelings but its not the end of the world. people get feelings for each other. just like i had feelings for those other guys. it happens. its not so ridiculous or out of bounds. we were good friends and then i guess something in him changed. its pretty understandable and unsurprising.
i dunno maybe that IS what she ultimately thought. I’LL NEVER KNOW.
i might be sad and pathetic, but i dont want to be REMEMBERED LIKE THAT by people i used to be friends with. who got to know The Real Me and saw that I wasnt totally Sad and Pathetic, but a Good Person.
i had this female friend when i was younger and i never fell in luv with her, and she was always very nice to me, and she had genuine concern and whatnot for me, wanted me to find a nice woman who didnt leave me in the lurch. but i kept picking the wrong women, getting involved with the wrong women. i guess my picker is broken.
its only 50% broken at most though! soon after i picked another woman and my female friend said yeah she’s great, it would be SO CUTEEEEEEEE if you two got together, and i was like yeah see my pickers not broken, i can find a good solid woman whos not a crazy child, yes she would be great for me wouldnt she? and i indeed liked the woman and she was nice to me too, but we never got much of a chance to hang out because we never lived less than 70 miles away, then the woman moved like 500 miles away hahahaha. if we ever lived in the same town, i would have DEFINITELY gone all in with her.
so yeah my picker is not totally fooked. indeed i still think i picked a good woman with that woman. i just had no idea she would disappoint me THIS bad.
anyway that previous female friend, she expressed concern that i was becoming a hateful neo nazi white supremist. So I Walked It Back and said naaaaahhhhh dont worry, this is just a phase, i dont hate anybody, dont worry about it, you know i investigate all this edgy transgressive shit, dont worry. and then i went on becoming an even more avowed racist and nazi and huhwhyte supreemist hahaha, but essentially just didnt tell her about it hahahahaha. i figured it wasn’t worth losing friends over, and she was/is a great person, and i didn’t want to push her away for something she would never understand.
anyway i hope she is doing well. she was doing some kind of masters degree at a decent skool in a big important city. she will be just fine. i mean yeah i wish she’d get married already cuz she’s not getting any younger. but I remember when she was under 21! I could never date her because she has a pozzed jooish view of dating hahahaha. but we got along as friends very well believe it or not. at the time she was in a monogamous, fairly healthy relship with a man who eventually became a fairly good friend, a great guy, i got along with him really well and had quite the mancrush on him. i would be very happy if she had gotten married to him. he was a really cool guy. he was hilarious, ridiculously smart, great taste in music, really good guitar player and singer. i wish he hadnt done his phd in total marxism! he was not a phaggy feminine whiny shitlib at all. just a very kewl guy. i wish him nothing but the best. i hope he finds a nice white wife and has many brilliant white children. when you say phd at known leftist univ in jooish theory, you think of the worst type of person. but he was honestly the best type of person, and too GOOD to do what he’s doing. but at the time i was very impressed by the Intellectual Masturbation over foucault and deleuze and i dont fooking know. zizek and adorno and marcuse and pure frankfurt skool jooish trash. i knew nothing of the frankfurt skool at the time. i just liked hanging out with Real Intellectual Philosophers! but the people I knew were honestly good, great, moral people. in hindsight its disappointing they studied the degen shit they did. but they probably didnt realize it any better than i did.
applied for 6 jobs today but after like 6 days of no job apps, my numbers are DISMAL AND ABYSMAL.
anyway i will just try to forget i met with that woman on monday and had that weird, annoying abortion of an interview. just keep applying for jobs there. in fact i applied for one there today hahahaha.
my suit looks good now, but the white dress shirt is honestly a little bit BIG. maybe i am getting rejected now because the dress shirt is a little big. suits fine now, but now the shirt is fooked up hahahaha.
or maybe they can tell muh black dress shoes are 30 dollar pieces of plastic shit hahahahaha. and i am not wearing 500 dollar italian leather shoes.
maybe my plain black hanes socks are too boring hahahaha.
they are looking at my shoes and socks hahaha.
maybe i had a stray nose hair. maybe i need a haircut. i mean i am getting close to needing one. it has been 46 days. its all on muh days since spreadsheet hahahaha.
372 days since i sent the last email to that woman!
yes i definitely AM making progress, i dont think about her NEARLY as much, well i still think about her every day, but the thoughts seem a lot more distant, faded, not as vivid. one day i will be all emotioned out regarding her. and if i met a nice young qt gurl right now who was being nice and friendly to me, that would definitely help me forget all about that woman.
“make women good again” is just an old title i had laying around. basically meaning women were ONCE good, and with proper masculine leadership, we can raise a new generation of good women. but you leave women to their own devices, and they turn not good. they need the guidance and influence of strong, good men to stay on the good path. otherwise its pandoras box is opened. road to ruin. men don’t decompose or dissolve or entropy or DEGENERATE as naturally as women do. they dont need as much constraint. its JUST THE WAY IT IS. ITS NATURE. Nature NEEDS weak childlike stupid immature women so they can get pregnant as quickly and as much as possible. period. accept it. you dont have to like it. but accept it or become a foreveralone loveless virgin.
why not make women GREAT again? because i dont even need great. i just want GOOD. GOOD is GOOD ENOUGH for me. just good moral adults. lets get to GOOD first before we even THINK about “great.”
yeah it is kinda infuriating to see the same jobs, same company, same location, being posted over and over again. you think, yeah i remember this job because it seemed like a decent entry level job that i could actually see myself doing, so it jumped out at me and i marked it APPLYYYYYYYY and i applied for it asap. now, 3, 4 weeks later, its back. i apply again if i can. sometimes it says ive already applied for the job. i actually prefer this because it means they arent getting duplicate people. but its like how many fookin applications do you need to get for this fookin job….unless you dont really plan on hiring anybody in the near future. then posting shit like this is like a perfect waifu teasing you and leading you on. i just wanted muh 12 dollar an hour full time data entry job, 8 to 5, close to home, no weekends!
heh. i kinda want that woman to experience some of this frustration and failure and rejection. not be making decent money. yeah but its a shitty phone calls cust serv job. yeah but shes probably a level 2 by now and doesnt need to answer phones. she can just give shitty advice to the people who do have to answer phones. “idk figure it out but dont escalate it.” “idk do the same thing youve been doing over and over again and maybe it will work this time” no matter if its been an hour on the call.
besides some of the level 2s still had to make calls and fix the super confusing stuff and then talk to the people about it.
i mean she doesnt have the brains to fix super confusing shit! shes not THAT smart! why should SHE be making 16 dollars an hour hahaha. she only has an ASSOCIATES degree in a field just as useless as mine! and from a 600000000 times less prestigious skool! and yet she is 14888888 years younger than me and doing 90000000 times better than me! even though shes a cowardly immature idiot race traitor white trash MJ addict!!!!!!
the voice of butthurt hahahaha. virgin wizard neet butthurt. well you would prob be butthurt too, is my point.
well at least i seem to be losing weight again. i dont really NEED to though! i have to cut the calories down to an unhealthy 1100 a day hahahaha. its ridiculous because i LUV food and i LUV to eat.
but yeah. sheeeeeeit. monday should have been a good day with the two interviews but it really kinda sucked and both interviews sucked. my vril was compromised by the first weird interview, then i performed shitty in the second interview, where i really really wanted to dig deep and do super well, and i did not. i mean i didnt do super bad….but just doing average or ok is really MEDIOCRE and I wanted to be SUPER GOOD. not just average, because average is not gonna get that fairly awesome job. for that job, i would totally answer the phones 50% of the shift. maybe even 60%.
heh i really SHOULD start LIFTING. they say it really IS good for testosterone, confidence, and i need those things like i need the air i breathe. because i am at a deficit. i dont have Confidence Privilege. its not part of my Head Start that confident normies get hahahahaha.
heh. really my severe lack of confidence pretty much cancels out all the white privilege i have hahahaha. white, male, good family, all the opportunities in the world. my confidence and i guess energy level and will are just THAT weak.
sheeeeeeit. if that first interview would have gone better, then the second interview might have gone better. and the second interview was the one that REALLY MATTERED. this is why i dont like 2 interviews in 1 day hahahaha. i mean at least i can say i DID it, like a real bigboy, youre not a human being if you havent done 2 interviews in 1 day, but still. i fooked up the important one and i am not happy about that.
it wasnt even a specific mistake. it was just seeming nervous and on edge and coming from a position of WEAKNESS and DESPERATION. also i struggled to think of the most in depth case of PC troubleshooting I had done. i guess i could try to meditate on that.
well at least i have been good about not looking up that woman on linkedin. well she would SEE that I visited her profile. unless she has it on limited privacy. in which case i wouldnt see her name if she visited MY profile. not gonna lie, i kinda want her to visit my profile, because it would prove ot me that she is thinking about me. as i am thinking about her every damn day and cant stop.
yeah i think about her FREQUENTLY, but the INTENSITY is definitely lower. the vividness, the power. that is honestly a signif improvement.
so yeah its kinda creepy to think about her every day…..but ive thought about her every day since it happened and at least the thoughts are less awful, less intense, less vivid, less important, less severe. tbh that is great and i am thankful for the progress. but it will still be a while before i can go a whole day without thinking of her at all! at least another year!
went to dsw shoe store, they had some good stuff on the website, but at the actual store, it sucked balls. everything was too expensive and they didnt have the things i liked on the website. i left without wasting any money hehehehe. thankfully the sales people were not aggressive and sleazy. a combination of young kids and downsized middle aged white men with masters degrees from second tier schools and 20 years of experience at second tier companies hahaha.
no the employees were fine, the store was clean and everything, they just did not match up with the website very well. i was considering getting a pair of Plain Black Crocs but they had very few Crocs, and they were brown. come on.
well time to get back on the horse. but i am thinking its gonna be more like 25 interviews rather than 20 interview before i finally get a job hahaha. at 30 i officially start getting Discouraged hahaha.
thats what i should have said to the hospital people. no, i’m not desperate, i’m DISCOURAGED. theres a difference. Actually there isnt hahahahahaha. well yes there is: discouraged dont even apply to jobs or go on interviews. so yes i AM desperate. i am just trying not to use that word.
heh. i should have never left muh job in late 2013. but me and THAT WOMAN were talking alot about jobs and she could get us in at this ridic job. i said, welp, ive been here too long and i need to force myself to do something new, and this just fell into my lap, kinda a sign from GOD, might as well listen to GOD. and then i went with her to the new job and the new job sucked and my relship with her went down in flames and the job went down in flames and now i have been a big neet loser for over a year hahahaha and cant get another job.
if i had just stayed in my comfort zone, none of this horrible shit would have happened hahahahaha.
before everything went wrong with her though, i thought well this is good. she is helping me GROW and DEVELOP and get OUT of my comfort zone and actually DO something with my life. and it turned out to be a huge shit sandwich hahaha. i wish i hadnt done it. i could still be makin 11 grand a year at the old place hahahaha.
yet if the county job called me back and said you got the job, that would change my whole life. 180. i would go from neet loser to gainfully employed winner. i would go from being too shitty for a gurl like her, to being way too good for a piece o white trash like her. its stupid our stupid jobs have such power over our lives like that. and how we view ourselves, and how OTHERS view us too. but thats just the way it is. you can get butthurt about it and be a neet virgin loser the rest of your life, or you can accept it, and work hard to become a white winner.
never buy an epson xp 200 printer, or probably any “reasonably priced” epson printer, becuase they will totally joo you with the ink cartridges.
the cartridges dont print a lot. like maybe 200 pages for 1 black cart which is 13 dollars.
they only print with epson brand, not store brand made to be copatible witn epson.
if you run out of blue OR yellow OR cyan, you cant even print in Black Only. even if you have a full black cart.
fook epson, those joos.
trump is getting a lot of blowback and his approval rating is probably at or near its lowest, and the media is even suggesting that hillary will win by 9 points. times are tuff. dismal.
an official story on fox news tv on the alt right. jared taylor being approached by fox joos. and of course milo phaggopolis. jared taylor is all right but milo is cancer hahaha. anyway i guess this is what they are saying are the leaders of the alt right hahaha. well we all know NATT is the TRVE leader of the alt right hahahaha. but supposedly shillary is supposed to make a speech soon directly talking about the alt right.
i mean this is basically My Movement. its what i identify as being a part of. i consume something TRS related mostly every day.
i dont mind being lumped in with jared (tho he needs to stop cucking for da joos) but i do not want to be lumped in with that degen subverter milo. into the OVEN he goes.
contacted about phone screen by company HR. turns out woman is 9-10 years younger than me and went to alma maters Main Rival where she is a True Fan. OOSH. these are the type of idiots i am supposed to be the manager of hahaha. now i am trying to kiss the ass of Children who went to the school that our school saw as Goofus to our Gallant! kissing the ass of Idiot Children so I can get a $12 to $16 dollar an hour job hahahahaha. she didnt have to do that because she had a better resume, including internships and study abroad, so she was able to start her career immediately after college like a good successful normie. clearly she didnt have any Emotional Problems hahahahahahahaha.
heh yes she IS “AN HR PERSON” hahahaha. by god these women exist. the woman who just emailed me is definitely one. the one that emails me about county job and sits in at my county job interviews is definitely one. perky, bubbly women that like to be smart college grad young professionals. shit the county hr woman is SIX years OLDER than me and she still looks GOOD! she almost looks younger than ME!
they are usually in good shape. they are usually friendly and have high verbal intelligence. but I would not trust any of these women for ONE SECOND in a Relationship.
they seem like big sluts and catladies who could rationalize anything and eventually lose interest in all but the top 1% of alpha men, probably the Upper Managers and Directors they are working to Source Talent To.
they get bachelors degrees specifically in human resources or communications or Talent Acquisition or Organizational Studies. sometimes even from rather respectable state schools. second tier schools as opposed to third tier toilets like….. McAllen City State University or something. East Kansas City University. not a tenth tier toilet like Phoenix or something, and really, perfectly fine normie schools which I should have gone to because I could have gotten a god damn full ride scholarship. but i thought, noooooo, i can get into the PRESTIGIOUS school. meanwhile MANY people who went to that “shitty” local university were i could have gotten a full ride, are MUCH MUCH MUCCHHHHHHH more successful than me. at a much younger age hahahaha.
lotta regrets. shoulda done a lot differently. cant believe i wasted at least 33% of my life so far hahahaha.
ok i think i may end up liking the other gris album a bit better, at least early on, than their 2013 album . that bass sound is just too much to handle right now. i need more prominent guitar. and thankfully their singer sounds about as good on this 2007 album too. want something a little more blatantly balck metaly.
and DONT FORGET their 2006 or 5 album “neurasthenie” or something when they were known as niflheim (not to be confused with nifelheim hahahaha)
although 2 hourlong albums in 2 years seems like a lot…..but then they took a 6 year break. i wonder what kind of shitty jobs these guys work hahahaha. do they have degenerate tattoos. do they do drugs or drink. do they cheat on their GFs. are they neet virgins who live with their moms like me hahahahahahahaha.
i was driving yesterday and looked in the rearview and there was a 50 year old white man driving with two dogs in the car and it really looked like he was Smokin a J
good god i folded but if i had stayed in i would have gotten QUADS. 88 hole cards, no 8’s on the flop, and then turn and river were 8 and 8. sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit.
anyway he was smokin a J and i got a good feeling from that. because he looked like a total normie and not a huge degenerate. if it were some black thug smoking a blunt, i would think DEGENERATE. GET OUT OF MUH TOWN. or some white trash covered in tattoos. but when it was a normie middle aged white guy, that was ok.
interesting reaction. so is MJ INHERENTLY degenerate? i mean its definitely risky. very few people can smoke it WITHOUT being degenerate. a lot of whites who do smoke it are degen. so i can really ADVOCATE it. except for myself. and for white winners. which i am not!!!!
also smokin it while driving is prob a bad idea. but so many Stoners do just that. smoke and drive all the damn time. I cant BELIEVE this doesnt cause ANY accidents. stoners that would be horrified at drinking and driving smoke and drive EVERY DAY.
IMHO this is wrong. i think it prob does impair your driving. of course i sm0ked and drove a decent number of times. because i was selfish and nihilistic and thought i was above the law and that i’d never get caught, just like i thought when driving DRUNK. and i drove DRUNK many times and eventually was caught. served me right. i shouldnt have driven SO drunk SO many times. but you know when you s0ke a ton of MJ and your heart is racing and it feels like you are running in a dream, quicksand, how can you possibly drive normally.
i mean yeah its probably BETTER for driving than being RAGING drunk. obviously a lot of that DUI stuff is revenue generation for the city and county. and the fines and sentences for DUI should be laxer like they were in the 70s hahahaha. and they should expunge that from your record at least.
hmmm should i go to this opeth show. last time i was going to see them was they were touring with katatonia for the heritage album. that album sucked but i like katatonia and it seemed a good idea to see both bands in this venue with some friends. we got there and it was SOLD OUT before we could get tickets. that was pretty disappointing. shit that was at least 5 years ago.
i never listened to the album they did after heritage but i hear it was a lot better. now they have this new album “sorceress” which isnt even OUT yet.
akerfeldt said some of the record was inspired by luv gone wrong, problems he had with women, but nothing in particular? i was hoping it was something in particular, like a bad breakup with his WIFE, the mother of his children. i know he got married like 10+ years ago and had some kids, but he could be divorced by now. maybe he is a huge deadbeat and how the hell can he be a good father while touring all the time. but he doesnt tour all the time. i dunno. i hope he’s not a deadbeat, for the sake of his children. i am sure he is not alt right or racially woke though.
but he is determined enough to make his music his career, and that is NOT easy. he does VERY well. he can support himself and his family.
but 99% of musicians are degenerates! i just want some reassurance that he is a good father, cuz thats all that matters. matters a lot more than any music hes made in the past 15 years hahahahahahaha.
now i remember when damnation came out in 2002 or 03. that was EXCITING. hahahaha.
or spine chilling moments on old albums like orchid or my arms your hearse. for a while i thought my arms your hearse was the best album ever. it is still a great album.
blackwater park. also a great album. no joke.
never did a PHONE interview before. maybe its a german thing. oh yeah its a german company that does tech stuff for cars. infotainment computers and shit. much better than the asians who do a similar thing. i will work for whites but not yellows hahahaha. speaking of those yellows never called me back for a second interview! i was starting to warm up to the idea of that job.
it would be great to do shitty on the 15 minute phone interview and then never get invited in for an actual interview.
actually 15 minute phone interview, i can see how that could be very useful. you do get a better sense of the person when you are actually talking to them. well…..maybe. maybe. i mean…..do i do better on the phone or in person? i think for interviews…..well shit. when i was doing my old job, taking phone calls, in those circumstances, i would have rather talked to my callers face to face. then i felt they might be nicer to me. but when they are evaluating you for a job….well you want them to be nice too!
but at the same time, i feel the same information you can get from a 45 minute interview can be gotten from a 15 minute phone call. then you feel less pressure definitely.
where are all the fookin entry level 14 dollar and hour fulltime jobs? why does everything have to be a damn big important 40k or 50k job?
where are the ENTRY LEVEL jobs?
this job was described as kind of an entry level job.
fook. my confidence is just pretty low after that clusterfook of 2 bad interviews on one day.
and now i feel like i have crossed the rubicon, that i have officially been unemployed for SO LONG, that i am like CANCER to any employer. they might be able to overlook a gap of 3 months. maybe 6 months. but not a god damn YEAR.
well george feels’s dad got a job after THREE year gap. but he was a Medical Doctor in ukraine hahahaha. was he really a medical doctor tho? and why isnt george smoking legal MJ???
so i will be sitting there in the interview just thinking about THE GAP. talk about a confidence KILLER.
becomes a vicious circle. people wont hire you because the GAP is too long. then you go on interview after interview after interview. get hopes up, get discouraged. 15 interviews. 20 interviews. 25 interviews. 350 applications. 400 applications. 500 applications. 9 months. 12 months. 14 months. 16 months. see what i mean?
instead of getting hopeful, like yep keep plugging away and be determined and good things will happen, power thru those 25 interviews and you will get there eventually…….. those optimistic thoughts begin to be countered with
THE MOTHER OF ALL NEGATIVE THOUGHTS:
THE LONGER YOU STAY UNEMPLOYED, THE WORSE YOU LOOK TO EMPLOYERS.
The LESS of a chance you have to get a job. sure, persistence is good, but not good ENOUGH to cancel out the effect of TIME, the lengthening GAP, making your value WORSE and WORSE and WORSE.
well i guess the REAL mother of all negative thoughts is, i have to K self right now hahahahaha. thank GOD i dont get that.
For me, its more like
I CANT HANDLE THIS I NEED TO QUIT MUH JOB RIGHT NOW
thats not as bad as k’ing yourself. but you do flush an ENTIRE FOOKING YEAR of you LIFE down the CRAPPER. gone with NOTHING to show for it.
well thats not true. i have done like 40 hours of work on this job search hahahaha.
CORRECTION: i have done 33 hours of job APPLYING fron july 1 to aug 24. that does NOT count time looking for jobs, which DOES take time which i have not measured, and does not measure the 230 jobs before i started The Spreadsheet. ok, thats 230 jobs times 12.6 minutes per application, div by 60 to get hours, well there’s 48.3 hours of applications, plus 33, sheeeit thts like 81 hours of applying since april. well, march 28 i really started. almost 5 months ago hehehehe. 5 months to get 81 hours? WEAK! should be 40 hours a week every week! 160 hours a month!
well im just buttmad that people in 1975 didnt have to put in 80 hours of jobsearching jsut to find an average job.
also lets count 17 hours for 17 interviews hehehehehe. and about 40 hours for FINDING the jobs. so really i am at 137 hours hehehehe.
REALLY I should time my sessions of FINDING the jobs. JUST FINDING, NOT applying. like do it in 30 minute chunks because it is worse than mind numbing, it is mind and soul destroying hahahahaha.