aug 9

“i want an easy low stress job where i dont have to work very hard”

WOW GREAT search query. I get the best, you can see. Yep I want that job too! I will also take a high-stress job where I get paid a lot, but don’t have to work very hard to GET hired, and could not easily get fired for underperforming.

So the idea is, whenever you get a negative thought, to challenge it, somehow, someway. for example:

“I will always be a huge loser, I will never get a good job”.  then you say, “what’s my proof of that? do i have a crystal ball where I can see with 100% certainty what will happen in the future.”

“No, but past behavior is a Robust Predictor of Future Behavior.”

“But Behaviour can be changed, no?”

“Sure, but the Odds are Against it!”

“But I can beat the odds!”

“That’s what gambling addicts say.”

“But I’m not really BETTING anything. Yeah. Suck on that, faggot!”

Of course you should probably not be calling yourself a faggot. But yeah, you can see how you have ARGUMENTS with YOURSELF, and you often get really Argumentative trying to PROVE to yourself what a huge hopeless loser you are!

Imagine if you could use that argumentative power to argue in your favor! To be your own best friend instead of your own worst enemy!

“But muh depression and low self-esteem makes perfect sense logically! There’s a reason they call it depressive realism! Because we see REALITY more clearly!”

Then I say, in this one case, it’s more HEALTHY to be DELUDED and NOT see reality.


heh haven’t had a picture in a long time.

So isn’t it interesting you may have developed great skill in arguing AGAINST any arguments in your favor? Good at arguing at WHY you’re such a huge loser? That can’t be good!

So I like what Omar Depression Hero sez: if you can’t come up with a convincing argument, then just say SOMETHING, ANYTHING positive, like “Thank God I can walk” is one he suggests. Thank God I don’t have CANCER. that kind of thing.

Because we are real good experts at coming up with EXCUSES at why we are huge losers.

OK. Hating Skool. WHY do you hate skool. How can we get you to stop hating skool. Whoa easy there, one question at a time. WHY do you hate skool?

Because it’s too expensive. Yes it IS too expensive. Ideally we would get Free College like they do in Sweden, although Sweden’s got its own set of problems I would not want either. So you can minimize the costs by doing at least half of your credits at Community College.

Because it doesn’t guarantee you an upper working class job. Nope it doesn’t, but you can do other things that WILL GUARANTEE yourself an UWC job, namely: 1. networking 2. extracurriculars. You do enough of those things and I GUARANTEE you will get an ok UWC job, if not a LMC job!

College is simply the “necessary but not sufficient” portion of that.

Because it’s hard as f00k when you’re at least 10 years older than the students. they are all full of energy, normalfag neverdepresseds, they get with “age appropriate” wimmin, aka prime of youth women, they are YOUNG, you wish you were 10 years younger, you’re a huge loser and you blew all the chances you had when you were their age.  you wish you were young again. you envy them for their youth.

Yeah this is an honestly rough and tough one! You have a right to be upset because there’s no easy fix to that one!

Some workarounds include: just AVOID the youngsters maybe. take as many online classes as possible. or how about this: sit in the VERY FIRST ROW, RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE INSTRUCTOR. That way you don’t have to LOOK at all the young kids who will advance in their careers faster.

And build a Support System of Counselors, Advisors, and Instructors. Talk to your instructor after class, make them remember you. Tell them your story. Beg them for help. Put your trust in them. Tell them you’ve been Struggling to get thru College it seems your entire life. You just want a Good Office Job so you can get married and have a family someday.

You hate college because the classes are hard as f00k. For a 4 credit class, that is like 4/130 of the way towards a degree, you have to be in class 8 hours a week, AND ALSO study/do HW at least 10 hours a week, for ONE class, AND you’ll have to pay like $4000, you could buy a CAR for that, and it’s only getting you 3% of the way towards A Degree, a Degree which doesn’t guarantee anything, see above.

So do the bare minimum to get a B+ in your classes, and siphon off some of that extra effort into schmoozing with the professor, and into doing extracurriculars, unless you’re trying to get into Ivy League Graduate School, then just be a huge overachiever workaholic on everything.

If you can’t Marry your One True Love, then the next best thing is just to have Decadent Nonmonogamous Sex with a String of 18 year old QTs.  Who knows, you might fall in love with one of them.

Listen to the Jazz Radio Station on a regular basis.

Do like Omar sez and drink a huge glass of water the SECOND you wake up. have it sitting right next to your bed, then CHUG the whole thing. Because you’ve been asleep for hours and so you WILL be dehydrated.

If you are age 30 or older, you are finally entitled to grow a Mustache if you want. but not a second before age 30.

Pray the ROSARY every day. That’s like 50 Hail Marys, 5 or 6 our fathers, it’s kind of a big deal, will take you about 45 minutes. Of straight up praying. every day. It couldn’t HURT!

Do Something That SCARES you Every Day. Conquer One Fear A Day. Get Used to Facing Your Fears rather than running away from them. Whether it’s approaching women, approaching your professors, networking with people, talking to people.

You can prepare a script for talking to your professors: Hi My Name Is Lazy Loser and I wanted to ask you about this Extra Credit Problem. BTW I’m Really Interested in your Research. Can you explain why you think Rabinowitz 2004 is only partially correct in his hypothesis? or I read your 2013 article in Indian Journal of Particle Physics where you say bla bla bla. Where do you think the research is going regarding this? What were your Undergrad years like? How did you get into Graduate School? Do you have any Networking Tips for a Shy Student? Were you ever shy? How did you Defeat it? (No, being SHY is not BAD.) How did you meet your Wife? What advice would you give to your Children who are Starting College? What advice would you give to someone who made 10 years of mistakes? What advice would you give to someone like me who has struggled with college for the past 20 years? Will you be my Mentor? Can I meet with you once a month? Can you write me a letter of recommendation for Jobs? For Grad Skool? For Life? Would you like to go to lunch sometime? Dinner? Get a DRINK? I’d like to hear your Life Story. Oh you think I’m CREEPY? What are you, a 22 year old GIRL? I thought you were a Masculine Scientist with a PhD! I’m a supposed CREEPER and I’m more Mature than You, Loser!

That kind of stuff. It will get easier the more you do it. Hopefully.

Don’t be a Niceguy to Women. Heck, be an 4sshole to Women, you’ll have more success with them. You will get more experience having S with Actually Attractive Women, you will become an Alpha Male, and Pretty Young QTs will distract you less from establishing your Career and Making Money. Because Money is More Important than Women. Women get old, ugly, and crazy, Money never does. heh. Plus the more money you have, the more young women you can pull. And if you can’t Marry your Perfect One True Love, then you might as well Bang a Neverending Series of Beautiful young 18 year old gurls.

Yes being somewhat facetious there hahaha.

Don’t ever buy White T-Shirts, buy Grey and Black T-Shirts. The white t-shirts lose their whiteness after like 2 washes. what a waste. Talking about when you actually have the energy to go out and buy clothes, which is not often.

If some girl is totally in love with you, but you are not in love with her because she’s not that Attractive to you, well don’t be a bastard, don’t sow Bad Karma, don’t put her in the Girl Friendzone, just be like Sorry Babe, we have to do No Contact. Believe me, it’s the best and only way, and I KNOW.

All right. Take care of yourselves and don’t report me!



Aug 9 2013

Well, I guess I was baiting them by talking about them so much, linking to them, talking about wizards. I am actually too scared to visit the link from Wizardchan that sent like 50 people here in one day. Probably saying what a patronizing normalfag I am.  so I’m SCARED of WIZARDS?

If anything, I do relate to their “feels” of “Depression.” However I know damn well I fail the Inclusion Criteria, so I don’t post there. In fact, I don’t post ANYWHERE, not even the more “normalfag” ridden r9k. I just don’t want to Talk to People On The Internet! Plus I hate being criticized! This is why I do not allow comments here. I do not walk f00king “DISCUSSIONS.”

Anyway I am NOT HOSTILE to Wizardchan or Wizards. However they might be hostile to my implication that they somehow need to be “fixed.” Heh. I am not implying that. I am just trying to fix myself and anyone else that WANTS to work on fixing themselves.  So I guess I could be “poaching” people from Wizardchan. Heh. don’t flatter self.

Anyway just believe me when I say my intention is not to be hostile to Wizardchan, so please do not Rustle My Jimmies! I am just trying to help people with “Depression”, or with being lazy losers.
AUG 7 2013 (wednesday)

think my upped dosage of 15 mg is starting to finally kick in, had a semi vivid dream last night. was real tired in the morning and could not get moving. kinda wanted to get and do my “internship” but could not get moving. Went for brisk powerwalk, now mixed with some jogging. ok great. I could get in and do 1 hour of internship but I can’t get jack s done in one hour, 2 is the minimum. so I decided to use that time to update blog, watch the opening scene of Turin Horse again, hahahaha.

Was actually not feeling too bad, like the Paxil was doing what it was supposed to, when I SAW GIRL 7 in the flesh for the first time since The Big Rejection about Ten Months ago. Actually handled it OK. Was not as confident alpha as I could be, and thankfully there was other people around. Ideally I would have been such a Charming Alpha right there to charm her pants off and make her say “I’VE MADE A HUGE MISTAKE” and “Come back to me,” but I was not. OF COURSE she is doing extremely well: succeeding at her Lower Middle Class Useful Bachelors Degree Job, AND getting a new job she wants more, AND taking Summer Classes, AND starting a Useful Masters Degree Program, and not all angry and hateful about it like I would be.

Person who likes school, does well in school, reaps what they sow, doing well, and not becoming a decadent debauched wh0re in the process like most Professional Career Education-Loving Wimmin. I wanted HER, and I also wanted to have her attitude and work ethic. And I ENVIED her because she is STRONGER than me. However, this is largely because she doesn’t hate SKOOL NEARLY as much as me. You will never MEET a person who HATES SKOOL as much as I do! I Hate Skool More than any person has ever hated skool. She does not hate skool, so she is more willing to apply herself to skool, and she doesn’t get all butthurt and give up on skool. heh its a feedback loop of course, she CAN’T hate skool so much because skool has WORKED for her. But skool worked for her because she worked for it, see. You get out what you put in. And I’m not willing to put in anything beyond getting Good Grades. When it’s a combination of good grades, networking, extracurriculars, and a useful major that will get you an actual decent job, like she has!

Heh heh. she is a normalfag who has never experienced how “depression” aka lazy loserness can make you hate skool and fail at skool and then fail at life because you hate everything and give up on everything!

Whatever the case, I never wanted to see her again! But I guess I am holding up surprisingly well given that she is Every Bit As SUCCESSFUL and WINNING as I “feared” she’d be, while I am the same old fat hateful school-hating loser I always was.

Yeah I would have preferred not to see her, but at least seeing her didn’t totally destroy me. Heh. I just hope I don’t see her again! A Man could easily rip an old wound open, especially since A Man has not met any wimmin in the past 10 months to throw her off her Eternal Pedestal! And still thinks about her about 1 minute a day, but thankfully that can easily be turned off after 1 minute. But I did not want to see her ever again, so I am a LITTLE angry and upset.

Same day also got a Rejection Email for the Good-Paying Part-Time Job I spent 8 hours Crafting the Perfect Application to, and really wanted to Get An Interview For. Didn’t get an interview. But I actually appreciated getting something rather than nothing. The tone of the letter was actually really nice and compassionate. And it said that they had 81 people apply. First I was surprised to get a letter, and for the letter to SAY HOW MANY people. Actually I kinda expected MORE than 81 people. Heh. The person they hired better have a MASTERS degree.

Anyway. The Healthy Happy man just observes these setbacks but doesn’t let them hold him back. Just Keeps Struggling On. Resilience. Persistence. 20 mg of SSRI, hahahahahahaha. Happy Dancing. Lift. Pray. 1 minute of Jogging. Banging B1tches decadently. Too Old To Ever Fall In Love Again, hahahaha.

Heh. I almost wish you could PAY Normal Girls money to give you a lap dance. Like Normal Cute Young Girls you see at Skool or Work or The Restaurant or wherever. Because I hate Strip Clubs and Strippers. HATE them. YES I have been to them, and recently, and even gotten A Dance, and still hated the whole experience. Other than the CONCEPT of paying a cute girl to sit on you. That I don’t mind. But I do mind that they’re disgusting strippers. I wish they were “normal” girls.

Heh. I envied her for being Well Adjusted.  It’s not that Life Is Easy for Well Adjusted People, it’s just that they have a Better Work Ethic, Better Follow Through, Bounce Back from Setbacks better, don’t get discouraged as easily, and thus Bring Their Goals to fruition, and rightfully appear happy and successful, while others of us look like lazy, angry, bitter, hateful, butthurt, immature losers, hahahahaha.

oK, life may not be EASY for Normalfag Well Adjusted “Neverdepresseds”, but, given the same exact challenging situation, the Neverdepressed will find it a LOT easier than the “Depressed!”

[Note: tonnes o’ grills are good at skool and career and are NOT well-adjusted, they are totes cray c00nts who like cuckolding and abusing men. It goes without saying, I am no fan of them, and I shun them for being godless, godforsaken wh0res. But SHE was DIFFERENT!!!! Waaaaaah!

Note: I’m just kidding sorta, I don’t think these women are Intentionally Sadistic, but they’re just Crazy.]

And I don’t get all Butthurt and mad or even Excited about Women in the past 10 months, SHE was the last Woman I had any sort of Strong Feelings for. All the other ones, I might go HNNNGGGG sometimes, but I just don’t really CARE about them. I CARED for her.

We “Depressed” Losers CAN be legit Annoying because we DO make a lot of EXCUSES. But I posit that these excuses seem damn legit and convincing to us, alot moreso than they do to you, you neverdepressed workaholic tryhard happy healthy successful good job normalfag!

Like Oh, She developed a good work ethic because she had tons of College Mentors in her family guiding her and keeping an eye on her, or She didn’t hate college because she didn’t hate High School, or she was not all angry during high school that she wanted to rebel against everything and “experiment” with drugs and alcohol and dark weird negative movies and music bla bla bla. Or, her challenges were Easier because she was not “Depressed” etc.

Or the idea that “Depression” ITSELF is just an EXCUSE for being a FAILURE and a LOSER, and it is the one flimsy weakass thing standing between us being Morally Inferior Weak Lazy Losers!!!!

Heh. I like to think I have a Great “Depressiondar.” When you see Winner Well Adjusted Normalfags like that, with everything going for them. Maybe they did not have an easy life, maybe they struggled hard as f00k, maybe they were raped and abused and tortured and held prisoner in a sex bunker…..but they never GAVE UP, which might be the HALLMARK of The “Depressed.” You just GIVE UP. You stop trying. You don’t want to try any more, so you stop trying. You know you Shouldn’t Feeeeeeel this way, you know what a normalfag should feel, but, something’s just not connecting any more. Neurotransmitters, hahahahaha. So take your damn medz, who cares if they’re made by Plutocrats. Besides, it’s not like you were Abused or Neglected by your Family! You were raised in a GOOD Family, you have NO REASON to Be such a Loser UNLESS you were born with a Defective Brain somehow! So take the medz to fix it!

But again, I am a Weird Case, because I didn’t start acting out until AFTER age 18. Then you’re an adult and anything you do is your own damn fault.

BUT The foundations for that acting out were definitely in place well before 18: I hated high school, was angry and negative, experimented with drugs and alcohol in high school, felt like it was me against the world, misanthropic, never get a gurlfran, hahahaha. Yep, I did have Above Average amount of Teen Angst. Although All Teens have Some Angst! It was prob hard to tell.

What if I had met Girl 7 while we were both in HIGH SCHOOL? Now there’s a weird thought. I might not have even liked her then. Who knows.

Heh. Yeah. Really wish I had not randomly run into her today.

So now when I try to FOCUS on like Calculus or Computer Programming, I stare at the sh1t and it makes no sense and I get frustrated, and I try to force it in my brain, and I somehow get an A, but boy am I NOT happy about it.

Right now I am supposed to be studying and doing Homework in….don’t want to give too much away, but something Kinda Related to “Web Development.” ASP.NET, Connecting To Data Stores, and it really is kinda stressful and overwhelming, moreso than a class with specific assignments and syllabus and readings and lessons. And me trying to figure stuff out from The Internet and vaguely remembering stuff from years ago. But oh well, I’m giving it X months, I don’t intend to GIVE UP on THIS. I might just not approach it as Eagerly as Girl 7 Approached HER Skoolwork. Even IF this is my one, only, final ticket out of Loserness.

A recurring dream I have is that I’m Back In Elite College, that I’ve been given a Second Chance, and I STILL Screw it up.

Heh. I might make a Documentary for People Like Us. Lazy “Depressed” Losers. Or a Talk Radio Show. Because we DO whine, we DO Make excuses, but I think it makes perfect SENSE that we do whine and make excuses.

I KNOW how off-putting it is to people you might want to somehow impress, so around people like that, I put on a happy face. Because I KNOW Whining is annoying.

I can certainly live without her, but when I saw her, I was reminded of what my life was missing: her or someone like her! And I’ve never really met anyone else like her! basically it shows you how amazing and wonderful your own heart is, to even be capable of such Profound, Transformative, Soul-Nourishing Love. It’s not a need, but it’s definitely a Bigass Want!

Real, real weird, man. Wish this hadn’t happened. Even though I AM dealing with it REALLY well. The LORD is TESTING me. You call that a TEST, I can take that and 90000 times more. heh. but hopefully not.

So yeah I will always be upset that we Couldn’t Be Together, because I was in True Love with her, had absolutely no qualms about Marrying Her, when the idea of Marrying any other woman seems absolutely LUDRICROUS. But with her it would be just great.

But the ever more frustrating thing right now is that I can’t focus and get my work done and can’t advance in life cause I can’t focus my mind and get the work done because I can’t stop thinking about how I’ll never be a Winner with an OK Job, and never Be With A Good Girl like her, hahahahahaha.

Heh. just wish she coulda seen me as a big winner. I coulda been a big winner. I had a real smart brain and I still had a little bit of discipline left in high school! I coulda been a bigger winner than she is now! Then she would have liked me and we could have gotten married and started a fambly.

but it was not meant to be. doesn’t mean I have to SEE her though. I don’t WANT to see her. ever. again. If she wanted to regularly see me, she’d have to understand the strings that go with that. True Love Never Dies. THAT’s why you ideally would NEVER see the person ever again. And then you have some chance of Getting Over Them and Moving On.

next day. day off.

yeah it was bad, but it could have been worse, each day it will get better, just sleep on it a couple days. the real challenge is getting Work Done. being productive, rather than sitting in bed like a lazy loser, like I’m doing RIGHT NOW, hahahaha. excuse was that I needed to charge the mp3 player and put some more vidyas on it. On a kick of watching nothing but “depression” vidyas. If this is my main thing, then I have to face it Head On.

next day, fri:

wow thurs SUCKED. could barely MOVE. like the hangover. but today was a little better. should not take me 9 months to get over seeing her once. maybe only 9 days, hahahaha.

Could not get my work done, could not even get my work STARTED, definite “IMPAIRMENT OF FUNCTIONING” as they say in the literature, haha.  Shirked my responsibilities. par for the course, could only watch movies and listen to “Depression” vidyas on youtube.

Regarding The Girl, it’s really TWO “issues”: me being In True Luv with her, AND, what is prob the BIGGER issue, is that she is a total success in every way that I am total failure. She is the Positive, Hardworking, HEalthy, Happy Normalfag I wished I could be, and she has reaped all the deserving successes I wish I could deserve to reap. Did the right things where I, at that Stage Of Life, had made Big Mistake after Big Mistake.  So I didn’t just want her, I kinda wanted to BE Her in a way, to have her Healthy, Happy, Hardworking Winner Mind.

So that is huge, prob more important than the actual being in Luv with her, although the two things are intertwined.

SOLUTION: Continue No Contact. This is just further proof that I cannot see her EVER again for the rest of my LIFE.

Of course, this meeting was completely Random, I had no control over it. I can just PRAY it doesn’t happen again. Of course, if I were a Huge Winner by now, it would be easier to take. Everything would be easier to take! “Maybe She would have not rejected me if I were a Big Masculine Winner and not a Lazy Underachieving Loser!”

That kinda stuff.

Heh. It was the impetus I needed to go from 15 mg to 20 mg. 20 mg is the goal, it is the Minimum Effective Dose.

Omar of “Depression Hero.” Just discovered him. I Kinda like him or at least I like what he’s doing. Sorta like what I’d like to try to do. Help people, give them some good ideas.

Now Omar / Depression Hero is pretty Anti-Med, which is fine, since till very recently I was quite Anti-Med too. Heh. Whereas now I am pro-med again.  Because without the meds I really can’t think straight and get work done. If I had a decent job THEN I could think about weaning off the meds. Or if I had gotten married to Girl 7, hahahahahaha. The Perfect Mate.

But now I am desperate to clear the anger and hate and distraction from my mind, desperate the think straight and actually follow through with stuff on work/school. Desperate to think straight and do my “internship” stuff and not shirk my new responsibilities, make the most of the help that’s been given to me, not disappoint any more people.


If you’re in LUV with a Grill and she rejects you, then insist on NO CONTACT. If you see her Randomly 10 months later, expect to have a real bad day the next day. but then it should get better soon after that.  just continue doing no contact. And if she’s a huge winner and you’re a huge loser, realize that will figure LARGELY into yer feels, it’s not just you being in love with her, but all of your OTHER feels about being a huge loser. This is what happens when Losers Fall in True Love with Winners, hahaha.

If you’re feeling Super Desperate, try getting on the Lowest Effective Dose. You may well reach a point where the littlest things are so hard, where your mind refuses to work, where you are desperate enough to take that Plutocrat Poison! Absolutely Anything to Think Straight!

To take a page from Omar Depression Hero: if you can’t Directly COntradict/Refute your Automatic Negative Thoughts, then at least say SOMETHING positive for every negative thought you have, for example: “Thank God I can Walk. Thank God I’m not blind.” that’s a pretty good idea.



8 2 13


ok so if you’re in a horrible godawful end it all sort of mood for the first 4 hours after you wake up….then try to distract yourself from that by working, errands, out of house, and No Writing.

If you feel the urge to fire up the old writing sheet and write about your angry sad hopeless kissless worthless useless hopeless lazy pathetic feels, JUST SAY NO. JUST DON’T DO IT. Play a darn GAME instead. There IS a productive way to write about such things, but it’s really RISKY, because you have to keep it SUPER SHORT, and then spin it so it’s very positive-heavy. You may be more likely to write 900000 pages of negative awful stuff than to do that, thus, it’s more effective just to write nothing at all.

It’s perfectly OK to write Positive Stuff like: I’m awesome, I’m thankful for all the good things in my life, I’m thankful for that, I’m good at this, I’m good at that, I’m hopeful about that, or here’s a good idea. But No Bad Feels.

Can you write about how you saw an 18 year old girl who really made you go HNNNNNNNGGGGGGG the best in the past month or so? Probably not, unless you’re Taking Action on a Plan to Make That Happen. IE, you’ve actually TALKED to the girl like a Normalfag, and not just saw her, thought she was real cute and prime of youth, then fantasized about playing with her young body for hours, and dating and marrying her.

Not to say your Feeeeeeeeeeeeelings aren’t “VALID”, just that Expressing them in Writing probably isn’t gonna help much, if at all. Save it for your Bargain-Basement Shrink! or Priest!

sat 8 3

shouldn’t be writing before awake for 4 hours unless DAMN sure it’s Positive. which it is!

* if you’re feeling grumpy or worse in the morning, no big shocker there, well, try to make a Big Joke out of everything, well, not a negative horrible joke, but a silly funny joke. If this is too difficult, then do a Funny Walk whenever nobody is looking. Like a Super Ridiculous Walk like the Monty Python sketch, or just a ridiculous little Dance. Dancing is good too. And if someone DOES catch you doing it, just laugh it off, or be like yeah so WHAT I’m Dancing, and then that will make them happier, and it will make you happier too.

*This Dance Like A Ridiculous Retard While You Walk is one of the bset Protip Bullet points I’ve given all Month. It is so easy to do, and So Effective. Some of the Highest Return On Investment I’ve ever discovered.

* Making Silly, Stupid FACES in the Mirror is another thing in that same vein.

i THINK it was this one, Charles Smith of “Bastyr University”

Was listening to some Naturalpath Osteopath or something give a talk on “Depression” and he made the important point that Some People Are Just More RESILIENT than others. Some people can have the worst luck in the world and just keep choo chooing along, whereas other people get one bad thing and then they crumble and give up.

obviously we are more like the weak one, and we want to be more like the strong one!

And Again, I’m much more concerned with the How can we be more like that, rather that Why Are We The Way We Are. Don’t Care.

link to sapolsky

Great Talk by Prof Sapolsky of Stanford, very good lecture, with a lot on the Biochemical Basis of “Depression”, and its Psychological Aspects as well. Wish he had a whole Course on this. Had too many good points to mention. Just check it out. examples:

some people bounce back after 2 or 3 hardships, but after 4 or 5 hardships or depressions, then the littlest thing can put them into a depression

norepinephrine is associated with “psychosomatic exhaustion”, dopamine associated with lack of pleasure, and serotonin with “obsessive grief.”

I personally don’t get too “griefy”, just angry and exhausted and distracted and hateful and hopeless.

The idea of cortisol and stress and stress hormone and glucocorticoids, and how your body and brain are in a Constant State of Stress, so of course you have no energy and can’t concentrate and don’t like anything.

People with Cancer can find that the Cancer makes them stronger or teaches a lesson or makes life more meaningful, makes them grateful for the power of Family, power of love, etc; but “Depression” makes it impossible for you to get any meaning out of anything.

Heh. though it’s hard for me to imagine how getting Cancer would also not make you “depressed”, and then you get a double whammy. Heh. I am a total cancerphobe, if I got cancer, I would Totally Give Up, might even K myself.

So now I am doing 10 mg of Paxil, up from 5 mg (daily), trying to work my way back up to 20 mg. Cause frankly there hasn’t been noticeable difference going down to 5. I think I was protesting the Pharmaceutical Complex, Corporate Greed, etc, but I am DESPERATE again to try to clear my mind and actually Do Work, not be hateful and tired and distracted all the time.

Trying to see my “shrink” once every 2 weeks.

Working a TEENSY bit of Jogging into my Brisk Powerwalks. Just a Minute here and there to say I did, get the heart rate up a little, burn off a little anger and hatred.

“But I don’t WAAANNNNAAAA get a Masters Degree just to gettajob! I hate college!” whined the little baby.

Heh. We Amerifats make such a big deal out of EDUCAAAAATION but since COLLEGE is the only education that matters, and a whole generation is going BROKE just to go to college, then….heh just abolish all education altogether, education is stupid, gay, and worthless. don’t even have public high schools then.

yeah just very frustrating. can’t even think productively. can’t problem solve, the brain doesn’t work anymore, can’t read, can’t study, can’t do homework, all I can do is lay there and watch Bela Tarr films, hahahahaha.

* get “creative” or at least unorthodox with your resume. if it hasn’t gotten you a good job by age 30, well you don’t have much to lose by trying something different, like listing your ACT score or your IQ or your bona fides from high school, back before you sh4t the bed. Maybe bring it down to size 9 font and .5 inch margins and just PACK IN as MUCH stuff as possible, like every single job ever. I used to think White Space / Blank Space was good and that Hiring Gods did not want to squint to read small print. But that obviously hasn’t worked out for me!

* Although I still think you should at least bold your NAME.

* Hire an Artist to write your resume in real fancy calligraphy. Or just print it out in the cursive handwriting font, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

* just like you should be Lifting and Praying every day, you should be doing Silly Dancing for at LEAST 10 minutes a day. in front of a mirror so you can see yourself. Just act like a total retard for 10 solid minutes every day ever. This is SUCH a great idea. Make playlists of good Dancing Songs you can do it to.

I might move away from movie reviews and possibly start ANOTHER seperate blog for Movie Reviews, but I will briefly say I recently watched “The Turin Horse” and it might be my movie O’ the year 2013, hahaha. Bela Tarr at his bleakest. The opening scene is classic and needs to be shared throughout the world, AND also I think it perfectly encapsulates what Real Lazy Losers feel every day, in the depths of their “Depression”:


Great music too!


Huge post, 2200 words, this is how I roll this month.

fast post 7 29 monday

“roissy is bitter” heh, nice search buddy. Kind of a “feminine” search query that. who CARES if he’s bitter, he’s obviously a little bit bitter, and he’s RIGHT to be a little bitter. so why search it. I’m much more concerned that he’s Smart and Insightful regarding Masculinity, Femininity, and Male/Female Relations. Which a lot of Omega Loser Males have hardcore, profound trouble with! All Humanity can LEARN VALUABLE LIFE LESSONS from Roissy!

But no matter how True and Right he is, the Truth is kinda Negative in this case. He might Bad Mouth Women a LITTLE too much. (But not a LOT!) I am more productive if I avoid Negative Stuff (even if it is True!) and just try to do my own work, so I do not read a lot of Roissy any more. Or r9k or v9k for that matter! I don’t have time or energy to read much of anything other than Muh Tech Skills For Dummies Books.

Or the News too. I’ve had to stop watching news, cuz newz is so negative. Yes, the world is going to hell and there’s nothing we can do about it. It’s HAPPENING. Really the Doomsday Preppers have the right idea. Our Civilization is just like Rome in Decline. It’s Happening. and it’s just gonna get uglier and uglier.

Wanted to start The New Work Week out productively: IE get up early and GET STUFF DONE. before going to underjob in afternoon. Read Tech books and went to bed at a decent hour Sunday night, choosing to reject an invitation to go out. But STILL Choose to Sleep In rather than Get Up at a Decent Hour (8:45am, rather sleeping in like a LAZY LOSER Till 10:30am).

I chalked this up to “I’m Not Gonna Fight It.” If I had to get up to Go To Work, I certainly Would Have! Paid Work is one of the ONLY things I will Choose to Get Up Early for!

Ideally would have taken the computer to Library or Starbucks and started Unpaid Work, then gone directly to Paid Work.

But NoOoOoOoO.

Toying with the idea of trying to make a Home Office to do such work. Really all this would entail is A Mere Desk! Usually I sit in bed with the Laptop.  Tried to make a Desk out of the Bed by bringing a Chair in. Turned out being a Bad Idea because I often was Leaning Over, leaning forward, which absolutely KILLED my Lower Back for 2 solid days. This is why, on a proper desk, your LEGS go UNDER the desk, so you can Sit Up Straight while you do your work at the desk. With a Bed you cannot do that.

Solution: Go To Starbucks, Go To Library, or Get A Proper Desk for yourself.

I actually have a Proper Desk in the Basement, which is kinda like a Dungeon, which I tried for a bit, then decided I could not Get Stuff Done there on a Regular Basis. Then tried turning Bed into Desk. Destroyed back for Two Days. NOW I am back to my Original thing of Sitting In Bed with computer on my Lap, and sitting up semi straight with pillows supporting back.

And wasting time writing in Blog rather than doing Work.

If it takes you Four Hours to shake off your Morning Mood of hate, anger, despair, fear, flight, panic, dread….then maybe it’s worth just sleeping through all that and NOT getting up at a decent hour!

Anyway. Here’s some advice I would LIKE to follow:

Since it’s too easy to either be unproductive or, even more likely, NAP / DO NOTHING while at Home, instead of trying to be productive at HOME, you go Somewhere ELSE. Library, College, Coffeeshop seem to be the most obvious. Get at least 2 solid hours of Work In there, and then go straight to your Underjob. Meaning you should be Ready To Go regarding being Dressed and Showered and Shaved and getting out a good #2, all before going to Starbucks to do your Unpaid Work, because you’re going to go straight to Paid Work after that.

would like to try doing that on a semi regular basis.

Still would like to get at Least Two Letters of Recommendation out of people  Current “Work” with. Try to get Three Per Job.

Sunday Night: Upgraded from 5 mg of Paxil to 10 mg. 20 is Minimum Starting Dose. Heh. Might have to make appt with Dr. If you have to Make An Appointment for something on your Day Off, do it Super Early, forcing yourself to get up early on your Day Off.

7 31 WED

gotta do this, just gotta. haven’t in a few days.

being long-term chronically unemployed or underemployed can so SERIOUS damage to your confidence and self-esteem. Don’t Deny It!

Being long-term, chronically kissless or dateless or hugless or handholdless or friendzoned can also do serious damage to your confidence and Self-Esteem. Don’t Deny It!

Some Bare Minimum of Satisfaction in Work and Heterosex is what MAKES a Healthy, Happy Normalfag!

So here’s what I’ve been trying, which is working a little.

Since I can be At Least 50% more productive away from home than while At Home (IE, can do 3 hours of Work in 2 hours), I have started leaving the house earlier and going to my “Office”, to try to do at least 2 hours of Unpaid Work, before I Punch In and start my Paid Work.

Then I go out and do my Social Butterfly stuff. If one of my Top-Tier Old Skool friends was not in from out of town for like 2 weeks, I would not be doing this so much!

Then I come home at a hopefully decent hour, watch a little TV, go to sleep, and do not force myself to get up early, though I Should, because I’m not a Workaholic Yet.

Nope, I get my full 8 or 9 hours of sleep, start the day off with some Moderate Exercise and Moderate Coffee, Get Ready, Take Shower, Eat a Sizeable Brunch, then go to Unpaid Office, then Paid Underwork, then Social, Then Bed. NORMALLY I would Waste Tons O Time looking at The Internet. Might need to go to Internet Rehab.

At the beginning and or end of the day, I say The St Jude Prayer For Depression.

Yesterday was Getting Riled Up (like you can with R9k, V9k, etc) reading COLLEGE CONFIDENTIAL, where Overachieving Teens line up to be “Chanced:” “Chance Me! Chance Me!”
Chance me for Harvard, USC, Dartmouth, Cornell, MIT!

Well, get your ACT up from a 32 to a 34 and you might be a MID REACH for CORNELL.

High reach, Mid Reach, Low Reach. I think High Reach means Lower Chance.

You can’t just have EC’s, you gotta have Leadership ECs. Academic And Nonacademic EC’s. Reading the 9000

YES found it. Although I’m sure he is just another nobody. Not sure if CC archives these so that link might go dead. Who Cares.

HYPSM: Harvard Yale Princeton Stanford MIT. Anything Else Is Crap Tier.

Anyway, reading this stuff can be just as bad as reading r9k. Get burned out and angry. Teenage Workaholics. I would blow my brains out if I had to do all that stuff. I would much rather choose to bring shame to my family, because if THAT’s all they cared about, they don’t deserve honor! If they disown you because you went to Cornell and not HYPSM! Jesus Christ!

But apart from that, these kids DO have the right idea with Knowing How To Succeed in College, not that it’s brain surgery:

1. Pick A Useful (STEM) Major
2. Outperform 75% of people in the major
3. Do tons of Internships. Do Internships Every Summer. 1, 2, and 3.
4. Make friends with as many professors and Successful People as you can
5. Get Good Job
6. Attract Good Wife.

Anyway. Though the kids on CC are 180 from the kids on r9k, I can’t take any of em any more. Got to find the middle road.

Limit exposure to anything that makes you emo and angry and regretful and such. Put CC on the blacklist along with r9k.

Even if there is good Advice on CC. REAL good advice for How To Succeed In College. Wish I would have had it in my college years.

Of course that’s my excuse: that I’m too OLD and don’t have the ENERGY I did when I was a Teen.

See, I would be sitting in bed writing stuff like this, hahahaha. Whereas right now I am doing it at a quiet moment at Underjob.

thursday august 1 2013

day off. actually sunny today. want to capture, continue momentum.

* listen to CLASSICAL MUSIC to calm yourself and focus your mind. Especially if you’re like me and absolutely “need” some sort of “distraction.” Classical Music, productive distraction, TV = bad distraction. I had to leave the house and go to “Office” because I couldn’t be productive enough at home with TV on.  #FirstWorldProblems #WhiteGirlProblems hahahahahaha.

* GET OUT OF THE HOUSE, even if you’re not 100% sure what you should do. Just go do an errand. If you’re a Man (aka My Target Demographic) go out and buy some new clothes. If you’re super poor then go to Thrift Store and buy some used new clothes. Point being, you probably seriously need some new clothes.

* Go to the “Office” and Get Stuff Done. Aka BS Computerized Job Search.

* Classical Music.

* Don’t look at College Confidential unless you are a High School or College Student looking for advice on How To Succeed In College. If you’re way past that age, it will make you feel too regretful. Don’t need that, don’t want that. Got to move on.

Oh f00k it I am gonna do a “Permanent” Pastebin of that CC thread, simply because it was so important to me:

just first 40 posts, should be good enough to get the point across hahaha

* MAKE YOUR BED AS SOON AS YOU GET OUT OF IT. People aren’t joking when they advise this. This makes you look like less of a slob, makes you look like a Responsible Normalfag, fake it til you make it, gets you in the daily good habit of Cleaning Things and making them look Tidy, esp in your Room, at the very least your immediate living conditions, your Room, should be clean and calming and uncluttered and nice looking.

* Buy some new clothes. if you have been wearing the same pair of shoes for two years and they look real beat up, get a new pair of shoes. Have one Nice pair of Nice shoes for Job Interviews and Upper Working Class Bachelors Degree Jobs; have another pair of shoes for walking and running around and exercising that you can get all smelly with your sweating feet.

Because I know you’re Not Rich, these don’t have to be Top-Tier shoes. In fact, you should buy the cheapest shoes you can, and then spend the “extra” money on Dr Scholls inserts to make the shoes super comfortable and supportive.

* Ummmmm Don’t Read College Confidential? Cuz you aren’t an 18 year old kid at HYPSM(C)???? Spend that time to go talk to your “Crap College” Counselor, talk to an actual person and beg for help, rather than reading Internet Forums For and By Tryhard Young Overachievers.

* Use the Firefox extension to download 64 bitrate mp3s of Youtube vidyas on “Depression” onto your Mp3 player and then listen to them when you go for a Brisk Powerwalk that may become a Moderate Jog for no more than 5 minutes.

* Winners totally Underestimate how much being a Loser can Damage your Confidence and Self-Esteem. Did I mention that already, hahaha. Though I make fun of “the self esteem generation”, “everyone gets a trophy just for showing up”, etc, I also can’t deny that strong self-esteem is very important, in the sense that it Means Confidence In Yourself. Which we all probably don’t have enough of. I know I don’t! And when you don’t have Confidence, you lose the motivation to WORK and to TRY.

* So People who get the “Rewards” and “Incentives” and “Reinforcement” of being Gainfully Employed and being able to Hold Down that Job;  “Being Able” to Attract and Keep an Attractive Mate or Mates……well, it’s hard for them to imagine Our World, and for Us to Imagine Their world.

* So come crawling back to SSRI meds at the Minimum Effective Dose, go to a Free Support Group meeting once a week, go someplace other than your house to Be Productive for at least 6 hours a day if not 8, buy some new clothes and shoes, even if you can only afford “cheap” ones, pray to st jude or st ignatius for mercy and strength and guidance at least twice a day, go for brisk powerwalks, make your bed, lift, pray, take your fish oil and vitamin d, stay away from the carbs and HFCS, listen to classical music, don’t read CC, don’t read r9k or v9k, don’t watch the news.


7 24

Heh.  what it all boils down to, is you have to be a WORKAHOLIC just to Survive Bare Minimum. You don’t get to sleep in, you don’t get to take a break, you don’t get to have A Social Life, you don’t get Movie Night or Date Night or Family Night, you don’t get to Sleep In on Weekends.

heh. on Day 1 of Forcing myself to Get Up Earlier so I can Get Things Done and force self to be better with Time Management. Meaning no more 8 or 9 hours of sleep. Cut it down to 7! Of course, Real Workaholics get only 5 tops. That’s what you gotta do. So just be tired and give shoddy work, half-ass work, rather than no work. what, is your boss gonna FIRE you? They might. So let them. Let yourself get thrown out on the STREETS. As long as you don’t DRINK, you can prob get a bed in a Homeless Shelter.

But your boss yells at you and puts pressure on your because of your shoddy work, your boss hates you and is looking to fire you and would NEVER recommend you for ANYTHING, he not-so-secretly wants you and your family to die in a gutter.

yeah. so how do you get a reference/recommendation from your boss if your boss hates you and thinks you are Pond Scum? I guess you do not. You get recommendations from the one person at work you actually get along with, even if they are not your Boss per se. It doesn’t even matter if it’s your boss. Get it from your Work Friend.

Cal Newport: Secrets of the Best College Students, or something. I can prob recommend this book.

So LinkedIn is GrownUp Career Adult Facebook. Does it Cheapen or Devalue You, Your Skills, and your Recommendations by having that sort of stuff “cheaply” available on LinkedIn? Like you have 10 endorsements for 10 skill, 10 little recommendation blurbs from your Work Friends.

What I’m saying is: LinkedIn Recommendation Blurbs CAN’T be worth as much, or devalue the value of, more traditional recommendation letters……can they??

7 26

i forgot you can be tired AND angry. this is like the internet of your brain going down. No Connection to anything. Nothing makes sense. read words, they don’t mean anything. stupid mistakes multiply exponentially. you look REALLY stupid. so just push through to the end of the day and then go immediately to sleep. hopefully you don’t have any big obligations or deadlines to do after your day of Paid Work. Although you probably Should, because to Make It In Life, you have to be an Overachieving Workaholic who does work from 5 am to 2 am 7 days a week. and “only” 40 hours of that is Paid, if you’re Lucky.


stayed up late to go to a concert, very tired the next day at Underjob. And this is going to bed at 1:30am and getting up at 7:30 am! This is Normal for Average Working Adults! This is ABOVE Average for Average Working Adults!

Drank one large strong coffee but did not want to drink any more because The Guts were acting up. Now just drinking water.

If I had an Extracurricular or anything Unpaid I would consider SHIRKING it just to take a 2 hour nap!

Anyway just wanted to say, a lot has changed in The Metal World since I was young. This was an Old School band who were around when I was young, I saw them several times when I was young, always great band, great times.

Anyway it’s not just a matter of Modern Hipsters now liking Metal, but also Metal in general being More Popular. There are Cute Young Girls at metal shows, wearing denim vests with patches (this is big metal style thing now) of bands that were considering pretty “true” or “underground” or “untrendy” 10 years ago. Of course “true” vs “false” is still a very hot button topic, and it all does smack of Hipster Tryhardism. Just saying that 10 years ago, there weren’t nearly so many Cute Young Girls at True Untrendy Death Metal Shows. Girls only like Trendy things. which is fine, that’s What Girls Are Like, I can accept that.

But yeah I was touched and moved by the Friendliness and Diversity and Openness. Not just Angry Young Hateful Failure Loser Troglodytes who want to Beat People Up! But Social, Friendly Men and Women who want to have a Good Social Time, a decent number of them probably have Good Jobs, they aren’t total Wastoid Losers in other words, despite their Long Hair and Tattoos. Metal was more of a Loser Outcast thing when I was young. Now the Young Metal Kids listen to their Old School Death Metal, get drunk on cheap beer, and get Tatts, but now they also have a Good Social Time with their friends, go to college, get unpaid internships, go to Grad School, get Good Lower Middle Class Jobs, get Gurlfrans and Wives and aren’t 30 year old Virgin Loser Omega Male Wizards like Your Author, hahahaha.

No I’m not a Wizard really, I WOULD get banned from Wizardchan if I Told The Full Truth: that I have FRIENDS, that I’m NOT a virgin (although, for a normalfag male, embarrassingly close to it!)

So in other words, the Metal Crowd seemed a lot more positive and I would have LOVED it if I were 18. But it reminded me of how Old I was, That Feel When you just can’t Get Into NEW things anymore, can’t fully enjoy new things or new people, you’re too far gone.

Though the very idea of a Cute Metal Gurlfran would have prob driven me crazy at the time. But now I would just find it too Weird. Do Not Want. But heck it’s hard to imagine really liking ANY Women after Girl 7! Too old for it! Too far gone! Can’t enjoy New Women!

So it’s funny how one can get in the Depths of Despair even when things are going WELL: got a nice Internship Offered to me on a Silver Platter, went to a fun Metal Show with a nice Audience, then I get tired from 6 full hours of sleep and get very crabby? See what just happened there! Maybe it was writing all this stuff that made me crabby! But yeah. perfect example of a ton of great things happening but you’re STILL in a Bad Mood. Also had an old great friend come in from out of town, had a nice delicious dinner, nice concert experience.  I Should be on Cloud 9 right now, despite being a Little Bit Sleepy!


Makes you absolutely certain something is Fundamentally wrong with you, when you got all this good stuff going for you, but NOOOOOOOO. You can’t enjoy it.

Well, I guess, yes, something is wrong with you, but we can FIX it.

What would MAKE you enjoy it? Oh yeah: the Usual Excuse of: If the Last Girl You Were (Ever) In Luv With (And Will “Probably Be The Last Gurl You Ever Luv,” Cuz now you’re “Just Too Old and Tired and Jaded and Bitter”, now you’re just “DONE”) had successfully Become Your Gurlfran (for me that was “Girl 7”), and/or you had a Decent, Respectable, Lower Middle Class Masters Degree Job or Upper Working Class Bachelors Degree Job. Then you would enjoy everything. That would Fix you up just fine.

So yeah. really thinking about getting back on the Prozac/Paxil train; up from the 5 mg Weaning Dose, to the 20mg Normal Dose.

* oh here’s a great idea: maybe think of a “therapy group” or “group therapy” if you’ve never tried that before. It is not just DBSA and Emotions Anonymous. There is also Depressed Anonymous (heh heh), Lazy Losers Anonymous (heh), and you can also search for local Therapy Groups which are Coordinated by a Mental Health Professional.

7 28 sunday

gotta dig deep today, but also don’t want to fight it.

so friday I was tired from getting “only” 6 hours of sleep, stayed in and watched movies all night. day off saturday, slept and slept and napped and dozed, got up, did some chores/errands, took a nap, had no energy, could only lay facedown and struggle to respond to texts, EVEN RESPONDING TO TEXTS takes a lot of energy, did not get my “wind” till about 7pm, dinner with friend, then movie with other friend, try not to be a negative nancy to muh franz.

good dinner, good movie, got home decent hour, like 12:30am, then sunday, day 2 off, slept till like 10 am, still tired, I figure that it takes me a good FOUR HOURS of being awake and being in a horrible, despairing, terrible, awful, downright scary mood, before that wears off. this is why I prefer to Work in the Morning. Then not so awful. I can be tired but at least be thankful I am being Minimally Useful, and that I am good enough at my Underjob that I can do it without a lot of effort or anxiety.

trying to get up at 8:45 am during the week and stick to a Time Management Schedule of: exercise, do Solid Work on my “Internship”, then go to my Underjob, then try not to stay up too late, so I can get good sleep and get up at 8:45 am the next day.

Reading 3 and will soon be 4 Books re Learning Skills and Knowledge applicable to “internship”, but not sure if I can “count” that as “internship” time because it’s not direct Work. That’s like the Homework you’re supposed to do outside of class.

Gotta keep reminding myself, Shoddy Work is better than No Work. Of course, doing shoddy work is frowned upon. But doing NO work is frowned upon even more.

but saturday was SCARY: having no energy all day, That Feel When, Friday Night, you Feel like you’d like to Sleep Twenty-Four Hours STRAIGHT. You procrastinate on Household errands and chores so you can sleep, take two naps, basically Nap Till Dinnertime, feels like a HANGOVER that lasts ALL DAY. The absolute best thing here is Being Scheduled For WORK, so then you can make money at least.

If you have to do “work from home” and actually get stuff done, it might be best to go to Starbucks or go to the Library, and stay there for at least four hours, and get something done there. when you have serious work on any sort of Sorta Serious Project, Four Hours is almost the Mimimum. Maybe Two. Because it takes at LEAST One Hour just to get the momentum rolling. Warm Up.

Well, just take it one day at a time, do some work rather than no work, maybe get back on 20 mg of SSRIs, don’t drink, don’t do drugs, pray, lift, walk, don’t stay out too late, be thankful for the good things. let go and let god, hahahahaha.


7 17

do you hate your boss? does your boss hate you? if you answered no to both those questions, then you HAVE to find some way to get a reference letter out of them. Unless doing so will get you fired. if not, you have to do it.

I talk alot about Bribing, and wouldn’t it be nice if we could just bribe the interviewers with cash or a pizza party. Well here ya go, the Reference Letter is like a kind of Bribe in that sense, one that will ACTUALLY work!

Using this logic, we can put a DOLLAR VALUE on the Reference letter. Estimated. If it helps you get a new job, then it’s worth literally THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS. But let’s just say it’s worth a Hundred Dollars. Or Five Hundred. And your boss is willing to give it to you for FREE if you ask nicely. It is like a Five Hundred Dollar Bill laying on the sidewalk for you, just as long as you are willing to bend over and pick it up. And then you take that Five Hundred Dollar Bill and Bribe your future boss with it.

thurs 7 18

well, gotta be careful of muh privacy here. ANYWAY, TLDR is I just got a bit of that MIRACLE I’ve been PRAYING for for many years, haha, essentially an “unpaid internship”. I know I have spoken out against these, well, kind of. hate the fact that you have to be YOUNG, and FULL TIME STUDENT, to get a “good” or “useful” internship, and to be “good” or useful”, the internship HAS to be full time. But I understand how IMPORTANT and MANDATORY The Internship is for getting A Job, Any Job, Bare MInimum, Survival, and possibly mating if you’re lucky. No Internships, No Job, No Mate, No Win, No Life.

The good news is: I like the guy, like him a lot, good mentor role model type; also I didn’t have to do any work to find it (hence the MIRACLE aspect). just handed to me on a silver platter. And since Companies don’t like training you, you HAVE to do Unpaid INternships to get ANY kind of TRAINING in ANYTHING, well, why not. Plus I get more blurbs on resume, more reference letters. PLUS it is not intended to be a Full Time thing, which is good, because I can’t do 40 Hours Unpaid a week anyhow.

However since I like the guy and personally don’t want to disappoint him, that means I have to drastically rearrange my schedule and stay Busy Like A Bigboy.

I might screw up, but I don’t want it to be because of being lazy or blowing off tasks, like I did when I was a Useless Degree Field/Department (Social Sciences) Research Assistant. And I was getting paid slightly more than Min Wage for that!

This is something more ahem related to my current “major” of CompSci.

Even though Real Winners do 40 hour a week 3 month internships (sometimes paid! you KNOW it’s a GoodUseful Internship (kinda like a Useful Degree) if it’s PAID and it’s at a FORTUNE 500 COMPANY) during Summers 1 2 and 3, that ship has sailed for me, and I can only commit to less than 20 hours a week. Meaning most non-nice people would not want to even think of Training Me For Free!

But this guy is nice, and he’s doing a nice thing for me, so I want to not give up, because I don’t want to disappoint him, bc I could possibly leverage this into something bigger later, ie it’s NOT USELESS, bc I prob will never get another chance like this EVER AGAIN FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. Meaning for the next several months this blog might slow down.

actually drew out The Grid/Spreadsheet of All The Hours in a Week. The Time Management Project.

AAAANNNNDDD if, God Willing yet another Miracle, I get this 2nd Part Time Job I’m trying for, then I would be Working Over Full Time, plus this thing, which you could probably an Internship, but I hate that WORD. But since I recognize The Internship as a Powerful, Job-Getting Thing, I might as well Reclaim the Word, Own it, as a way of saying, YES, THAT IS ME, I AM NOW A WINNER, I’M NOT A LOSER ANY MORE.

Which would be real nice! I’m so sick of being a loser! I’ve been a Loser for the past 10 years (although I started going Off Track a few years before that!)

Well no, actually I’ve only been a Real Loser for the past EIGHT years. come on now.

7 20

Might as well say the word “internship” because that’s a way of explaining to others WHY you’re busy. Well the good news is that I am trying to stay so busy that I don’t have time to think of myself as a Huge Loser, the bad news is I am Totes Freaking Out about this new thing now. So I will say, well at least I’m trying something, trying to be accountable to someone, and give it some TIME, things are ALWAYS nerve wracking in the first few WEEKS.

Plus I will most assuredly learn SOMETHING about the old Web Dev. Think of it as a CLASS, but a Class You Can Put On Your RESUME. Heh. Wouldn’t it be nice if you could put CLASSES on your RESUME. So instead of saying: “Walmart – part time customer service. did cash register and had idiots scream at me all day.” you could say “Calculus 5 Incorporated – Manager InstructorName. Did really really really hard complex huge calculus problems and had my work evaluated as Superior by The Manager. Master level implementation of Green’s Theorem etc.”

Just want to manage my time effectively, which I’ve NEVER been good at, get stuff done and not be an idiot, but also for example do one social thing per week. Got a friend coming in from out of town and I want to see a lot of them for example, more than once per week!

So, a little worried about disciplining myself to Get Up Early To Do Unpaid Work From Home. Historically the only thing that gets me to Get Up Early is Paid Work.

So I guess just do it I guess. Just really quite ANXIOUS about it all, usually I am Lazy And Angry, not usually this Anxious. Hopefully the anxiety decreases as I get more used to things.

REAL GOOD RULE OF THUMB: keep forgetting to mention. If you do not have at least ONE THOUSAND HOURS of out-of-school, extracurricular, hands-on, workplace, working, industry, internship Experience, you will not get hired in an Entry Level Fulltime $10 An Hour Job. Shoot for 1000 hours of Experience As you Complete your Useful Bachelors Degree. Then you’ll have a bretty good chance of Getting A Job.

Hopefully I will get 400 to 500 out of my thing.

JULY 23 2013

well kiddos, didn’t think I’d reach this point. where I have no more drafts left. but I have been busy recently, starting the past week. or at least felt real busy, and real Stressed Out, and almost like Being A Lazy Loser is BETTER because at least they get time to REST.

Time management, free time, having something To Do 16 hours a day, not being able to schedule 8 hours of sleep a night because you have too many obligations and responsibilities.

So I am in a real in between phase right now, where I am officially doing “internship” tasks, trying to fit X hours of that into my Schedule, trying to do decent work and not disappoint My Guy is high on my priority list. Mitigating Factors there are: this Social Pasttime Hobby I have which, if you want to Seriously Get Stuff Done Like A Bigboy, is a Serious Time Burglar.

Trying to take it one day at a time AND implement a thing where, starting IMMEDIATELY, I Get Up Earlier and Earlier each day. I and Anybody can get up at 4 am if it is because we have to Get To Paid Work early in the morning. You do it for the money. But where there’s no paycheck involved, it’s harder to Get Up Early, when you are working an Afternoon/Second Shift at your Underjob.

Anyway. Say your Stress Level has Doubled Or Tripled recently, or you have found yourself with a New Responsibility that is gonna Push You To Your Limit, but you don’t want to Sh1t The Bed by Shirking Said Responsibility. So you go ahead and just do a half-ass job. A Half-ass Job Is Over 50,000% better Than A No-Ass Job!

So don’t let anyone b1tch at you for doing a Half Ass Job. This would be a HUGE “baby” step up from the Usual Behavior of Doing Nothing.


(actually only 2500)

tues 7 16

Heh. I like to check the search terms in the stats that bring people here. great stuff. indicates that I Know My Audience Well. today was “lazy research assistant.” heh. that was haunting. I actually WAS one of those once.

My Professor was a REAL nice guy. I did a good thing by Reaching out to a Nice Professor, and he truly was Real Nice and not an 4sshole……and then shortly after I Sh4t The Bed, shirking my work, becoming a lazy research assistant, because I couldn’t CONTROL MY FEELS ABOUT GRILLS. (GURLS). DON’T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU.

Where I should have been Busting My 4ss for the Prof, and really “leveraging” the niceness of the Prof to get me into a Good Job Somewhere Anywhere, NO, I slacked off and gave up, because I couldn’t handle Romantic Rejection. DON’T DO THIS.

Did I mention I’ve been listening to NOTHING but The Grateful Dead for a week straight? “Touch of Grey” is a great song too, fits RIGHT in with all their old classics. They were playing it since 1982 BTW. FYI.


When I was young, the Grateful Dead album EVERYBODY had was the “Skeletons in the closet” Greatest Hits CD. Heck this is a great place to start too! Even though it’s all Studio! It’s not like the dead sounded BAD in the studio!

* you know how hard you work and struggle and fight and thrash limbs and try not to drown and fight and grind and chip away at SKOOL? If you used about 33% of that Energy and Work and Fighting to Fix Your Loserness, then you would become a Winner and find skool, work, and luv easier!

* relates to my theory that we should teach 4 credit hour College Style Classes on how to Fix Your Loserness.

* WHILE keeping in mind that sometimes we need to Stop FIGHTING our “Depression” as Ajahn Brahm says. HOWEVER, I don’t think that means that we NECESSARILY need to STOP eating well, stop sleeping well, stop exercising, stop lifting, stop praying, etc.

* Because I think we can work to Fix our Laziness but it doesn’t HAVE to be Grueling, Draining, Fighting, it can be as “easy” as Reading A Book or Taking a WALK. Admitting that Reading Books can be REALLY HARD, but I find reading book specifically on the topic of Fixing Laziness is easier than reading a book on for example Computer Programming. Because it’s Super f00king Relevant to our lives and our immediate state of mind.




I don’t usually like doing super long posts because who’s gonna READ a 9000 word post, and considering I would like to Help People. So I promise not to do this every day! I USUALLY try to keep it to 1000. Although 800 would be ideal bc 1000 is a little long!

Anyway there IS some GREAT stuff in today’s 9000 word post. GREAT stuff. WELL worth reading. Heh, Heh. Job tips, Life Stories, Feels. The usu solid gold stuff.

7 16

yeah that’s been my thing: hard to CONCENTRATE. Not like this is a NEW problem whatsoever! But it really sums it up nicely: can’t concentrate on schoolwork, can’t concentrate on long term plans, can’t concentrate on job search, can’t concentrate on reading or studying, because there is so much anger, confusion, and hopelessness about everything, and every little thing is hard as f00k and draining.  you don’t feel normal, don’t feel right.

So you say, what would a mature responsible adult do in this situation? And then go do it.

Today dropped off the application packet. Every god damn little thing. Not used to actually dropping off applications. So I said, WELL, OBVIOUSLY the BEST choice would be to hand deliver it to the person named. It gave a name. Anything to get them to remember you. don’t want to come all that way just to drop it off with “The Gatekeeper” at the front desk. But then I realized I didn’t have a great Spiel. Be lucky to have a 10 second spiel. Always been terrible at Spiels and Elevator Speeches. Struck out Three Times with that at the Job Fair. Be like, I hate everything but I’m smart, just gimme a 10 an hour Full Time Entry Level Job, I have a 120 IQ I Swear, I swear to god, you gotta help me, pleeeeeease, I don’t interview well but I DO do the job well. Maybe. And then I realized all of my clothes are kinda sh1tty. Wearing the same old clothes for years. REALLY gotta get new clothes, REALLY always been bad about shopping for Spiffy New Clothes Always. But I wasn’t gonna put on my Semi-Shoddy SUIT to drop off an application in 90 degree SuperHumid Weather. Though I would if I were actually working the job!

TLDR I asked the Gatekeeper for the person, said it was In Regards To the Job, they went back and checked, said they were not available, so I said thank ya very much and gave THEM my packet.

I put the Packet in a Manila Envelope. It was about 10 pages.

On the front of the envelope I put My Name, what It Was, and the person’s name. In hindsight I probably should have printed these on Avery Labels because that sends the signal that you know how to print labels. But I just printed it on paper, cut out the stuff, and taped it on with clear packing tape. Looked better than it sounds!

Protip: Learn CALLIGRAPHY or just real neat fancy Handwriting. My handwriting is not very professional looking, so I try to type everything. However, I would say, real fancy calligraphy would have also made a Positive Impact. Maybe. Definitely better than Everyday Chickenscratch!

Protip: All the people at your Current Job you would list as references, your new homework assignment is to actually ask them to write you a brief reference LETTER that you can use for All Jobs, and get them to send you the doc file so you can have it forever. Don’t even need to be sneaky about this. Be like I want to use this for various jobs in the future so just know I might be editing it to change the date, the position name, the company, so kinda make it a “Fill In The Blank letter.” And then just talk about what an awesome person I am.

Protip: This would prob only work if it’s An Underjob And Everybody There Knows It. If It’s a Upper Working Class Bigboy $10 an hour Fulltime Entry Level Bachelors Degree Job, your Superior might not like the idea of you Looking For Better Paying Work Elsewhere.

. go take a break buddy

.official virgin age meter










However it’s still good to have references. Maybe LIE TO YOUR BOSS and tell them you are trying to……get nominated for Steering Committee At Church. That you’re Running For Unpaid Office. Church works. Or Boy Scouts, School Board, Kiwanis, Optimists, Elks, Moose, Masons, Church. MAYBE graduate school. That one could be risky. (Although If you ARE serious about going to Grad Skool, you WILL need Good, Relevant References.)

“HE’S SMART, HE JUST DOESN’T APPLY HIMSELF” is what they always said about you. APPLY YOURSELF. Well, actually, maybe they didn’t say that about you. They usually say that about High School Students. But because you got good grades in high school, they didn’t say you didn’t apply yourself. It wasn’t till College and Beyond that your Really Realized how much you weren’t applying yourself and how godawful that was.

Heh. This blog is especially intended for people who were Good in High School, but then REALLY Sh4t the Bed in COLLEGE. Became A Loser In College/University.

However if you became a loser in High School, well, I’m pretty welcoming, as long as you really “self-identify” with 30 year old kissless virgin wizard neet neckbeard r9k losers.

The type of person where people say, oh he started out so well, WHAT HAPPENED?

Well, a lotta things: bad habits, not applying yourself, not Engaging In School, not doing this, not doing that, more bad habits, laziness, procrastination, not caring, not adapting well to College, not adapting well to Life or Adult Life or even Late Adolescent Life really, a lotta things happened, lotta little things, maybe a few big things. And now you hate everything and can barely bring yourself to go out and buy clothes or talk to a College Counselor, and you try to trace it back. LET’S JUST ESTIMATE 18. Because even if you were angry and hateful and weird and nonnormal in high school, things didn’t get REALLLLY Bad until AFTER high school, when you went to college, as was expected for kids who did well in high school. THEN you ROYALLY F00ked up, and have been on that f00ked up road ever since.

Got off track, feel like you can’t get back on track. Or say you’ve been off track for 12 years – is it gonna take 12 years to get back on track? Heh so by age 42 you will be at the level of a Normalfag EIGHTEEN year old, hahahahahahahaha.

If you know these feels, this blog is for you!

I would say keep exercising, keep praying, keep Reaching Out To As Many PEOPLE PEOPLE PEOPLE as possible for HELP and then following up with them, and also try martial arts classes, practice small talk, find the cheapest shrink you can and go at LEAST once every two weeks, although once a week would be ideal, and also try DBSA “Depression” Support Group meetings. Heh. I would like to try one of those if I weren’t so Lazy, Stubborn, and Afraid. And stop making EXCUSES, hahahahahaha.

Sh1t. MAYBE continue taking brain-destroying SSRI meds until you’re no longer a LOSER. I have been on like 5 mg of Paxil a day for months, trying to rid my brain of this Poison, but at this point, I’d almost rather have a Broken, Poisoned Brain and Be A Winner, than have a Drug-Free Brain and be a total f00king LOSER. Cost Benefit Analysis!

So I might go up to the Minimum Effective Therapeutic Dose, cuz I can guarantee you, 5 mg is prob well below it.

Like if the “cost” of your permanently fried brain is, it’s chemically no longer plagued with hateful angry thoughts and it’s easier for you to concentrate, and the Undrugged brain is full of Hate, Anger, and Unconcentration, well, I’ll take the Drugged Brain any day! Because the price of Being A Loser is the deciding factor.

You can try quitting meds once you’re a Winner In Life. Like people with Good Jobs and Good Mates.

But if you can’t even get a Sh1tty job, can’t get even a sh1tty mate, well, maybe it’s time to start taking those brain-frying drugs. Like your brain isn’t ALREADY fried most of the day, unable to concentrate, hateful angry scared neurotic thoughts all day.

ok you can skip this because it’s Off Topic:

Movie Review: “Session 9”

You don’t have to read the movie reviews if you don’t want to! It’s just one of those rare times when I am not filled with negative feels and can write about something else! Can actually use my brain for something that’s not feels! But boy howdy don’t think this means I would or could do all the work it takes to become a Career Film Critic! Talk about tons of graduate school, schmoozing, unpaid internships, reading marxist books on theory and what have you. No Thanks!

Well this was one of the better Average Movies I’ve seen in a while. I stayed up late, til like 240 am, because I really wanted to watch a Scary Movie, it’s been a while. This movie was solidly entertaining. i enjoy solid entertainment in addition to Horror and Ridiculous 8 hour long Foreign Art Films. But solid entertainment is hard to find. usually will go to TV shows for this: arrested development, game of thrones, breaking bad. starting to get a little bored with star trek tng. taking break from arrested d.

plus when you have so many anger feel and can’t concentrate, you can’t even concentrate on a TV show or movie!

Session 9 was surprisingly well written and well acted. Even David Caruso was good. 2001. Hazmat company must clean asbestos out of an abandoned insane asylum in one week. While abandoned asylums are all the rage on your TV ghost adventures and stuff, back in the day, s9 asylum would have been considered real fresh. one of the more exciting things I did during my Wasted Youth was to sort of explore an abandoned asylum one night. indeed a scary setting.

heh. but what I liked even more was the Real Life Working Men concept of these Blue Collar Guys just Working for a Living. Contractors making Bids to Do A Job. Stuff Working Class Men used to do before they had to go to college to make a working class living. stuff elite college kids have no idea exists. REALLY liked the character whose Father was a Big Lawyer, and the son himself went to Law School on “THE ONE YEAR PLAN” then dropped out and became a failure and a disappointment and now he works here. Or this other guy that talks about everybody needs an “EXIT PLAN” because they don’t want to be working this crap job the rest of their lives. That one guy doesn’t read book JUST FOR FUN, going back to law school and become a Successful Lawyer is HIS Exit Plan. but why did he leave law school? how’s he gonna get back INTO law school?
(and there is a whole community of disgruntled Law Students out there, who probably have the Worst Student Debt of Any Student, like 500k to everyone elses 50k, and they can’t get a job as a paralegal. Do NOT go to LAW SCHOOL unless you go to a GOOD one and REALLY know how to Network. Although many lawyers are extraverted normalfags)

But these questions are not too important to the movie, rather, I liked that the movie included Multidimensional Characters like that. Not expecting.

Just the idea of the man owning his own cleaning company, he’s getting stressed out cuz now he has a new baby to take care of, and so he begins lowballing bids where he hadn’t before, just because he needs jobs. and here they do a lowball bid and have to work themselves ragged to finish the job in one week for a Sweeeeet $10 grand bonus (presumably split 5 ways?), when before it was estimated it would take 2 or 3 weeks.

So you figure they need to work 16 hour days at LEAST, heheheh. Which they did not seem to do. But yeah it is as much a Working Job Movie as an Abandoned Asylum Movie.

Not bad, not bad. Just didn’t really bring the horror. One scary scene, maybe two. ANNNDDD the ending was a little weird. It threatened to jump the shark but didn’t REALLY jump the shark. Which is ALL GOOD, since most movies you can pinpoint the moment the shark is officially jumped, and it’s usually before halfway through.

So, not bad. Not ragingly awesome though. It could have been, had it been scarier and maybe a different 5th act. Worth Watching Once(tm)!