THE C0CK LADDER

feb 28

huge amazon aws s3 outage today which “broke the internet” hahaha.

today i learned that john mctiernan, who directed such classics as DIE HARD, hunt for red october, and predator, was in federal prison in 2013-14 for some kind of wire tap charge

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_McTiernan

he got out and is still alive but hasnt made a movie since 2003’s Basic, which i did not see. but i was just thinking about what a great movie die hard is and i totally forgot mctiernan also did the great hunt for red october, also a great movie, really knows how to make a good thriller, action, suspense story with good story and characters, and i should try to make an effort to watch more of his films, he does this very well. he also did last action hero, which i thoroughly enjoyed.

also die hard with a vengeance. that was good and he did that. but not 2, 4, or 5. have not seen 4 or 5. maybe i should. well, i saw part of 2 and it seemed ok.

ideally would have a nice waifu to cuddle with and watch die hard, and that i feel about her on a level comparable to how i felt about That Woman, and that This New Woman would have some sort of feelings for me and want to make an effort to cuddle with me and watch die hard more than she’d rather be out “hanging out” ie fooking and sucking and sexting other guys. especially black guys hahahaha.

have you ever had a woman you LUVED reject you harshly but NOT reject black guys? she loves and makes an effort with black guys but cant lift a finger for you. i can tell you getting RACECUCKED like that is never fun. adds insult to injury. its bad enough that they would rather be with other men than you, period, and when its a black or nonwhite guy, but esp black, it feels even worse.

not that i hate black people. i get along very well with this middle aged black woman i see several times a week, and she is pretty damn black. like super black acting. talks with super ebonics like she grew up super poor in the hood. i am sort of curious if she has any keeds dead or in jail. i guess she has a husband which is kinda surprising. well good for them, families are good for blacks as well as whites. families are good for ALL races.

took 2 benedryl today, trying to “self soothe” before bed by NOT watching news. watching news gets me hyped up and not really relaxed. also ive decided its pointless to try to go to bed at 7 because im not even near tired at that time. might as well go to bed at 9 and play some more cards and try to calm self down.

today came home, took first benedryl around 3 o clock, by 4 o clock i was dead tired and couldnt even keep my eyes open. wish i felt like that at 7 or 8! i actually took a powernap for like 30 or 45 minutes. woke up like 515, took another benedryl, played some more cards, of course wish i had some mj but oh well. maybe i should buy some on a dark market hahahahahahaha. no i wouldnt do that. its illegal and i dont condone illegal activities. plus id be way too paranoid and scared. as i should be.

but yeah, its KEY to CALM YOURSELF before going to bed like fatherland jim said, youd think kids would learn this naturally, but many dont. i certainly never did. i later turned to terrible things like alcohol, MJ, and porn to help “self soothe”.  all these are bad with MJ being the least bad. but yes porn. oh. watch 10 minutes and crank one out to GET READY FOR BED, cant SLEEP, cant clear your mind untill youve CRANKED ONE OUT.

well its still not a terrible thing to do…….just dont use PORN to do it. stop watching porn. dont necessarily have to stop jerking off. but porn makes you want to jerk off TO porn EVERY DAY. and this is just TERRIBLE.

STOP WATCHING PORN. this is so much more important than “nofap.” do noporn instead.

MARCH 1

wewlad am i thankful i am not thinking about that woman NEARLY as much as i did even 6 or 7 months ago. 7 short months ago i was thinking about her like 2 hours a day. now i barely think about her for a minute a day. it takes a LONG TIME (1 year and 7 months) but time eventually DOES heal all wounds. now if i saw her again right now, shit yeah that would suck. because you would ALWAYS take them back. i’d probably take her back 5 years from now when she is either a huge winner or a huge loser.

but yeah this new job even though its nothing to be proud of as a man…..is still a giant leap forward from being a horrible neet. i dont have terrible dread and anixety of HOW AM I GONNA SURVIVE THIS DAY? every single day. what am i gonna say to these people, how am i gonna fix or pretend to fix or pass the buck on these complicated problems i dont understand? how come that dumb woman can handle this so much better than i can? how come she wont hang out with me any more? and the only saving grace was the MJ i was able to get from her. she was willing to do that at least. i guess that is how she showed her willingness to do something for me, that she was too immature to express in a better way. i would have much rather just hung out with her and had an honest conversation rather than have her get MJ for me.

this is what happens when fathers abandon their daughters. its TRAGIC. if by some MIRACLE they dont turn into huge sluts, and most of them do, then they will be like scared children in other ways, and will hurt you in ways they don’t even intend to.

heh. believe me. i knew about her father situation from the very beginning so i assumed she WAS a crazy slut. and then i got to know her better and found out she was surprisingly well adjusted for a gurl wihtout a father!

takeaway is that if she did have a good father, she probably wouldnt have handled the thing with me the way she did, which was not at all hahahaha.  her having a father would have helped ME quite a bit. and would have helped HER immensely. CHILDREN NEED GOOD FATHERS. PERIOD.

i dont even hate her, i totally understand why she essentially shit the bed here, i kinda did too. it was devastating, i was very very upset, i thought about it a super lot for a very long time, i didnt come to any big conclusions other than what i already knew: in tough stressful situations, people CHOKE. good people choke and can really let other people down even when they dont INTEND to. esp when there is luv on the line hahaha. i mean the lesson i learned is, blurt that shit out immediately. dont wait a couple months. just blurt it out and send them a text if they dont want to hang out with you. if they dont want to hang out with you, chances are they picked up on your feelings and just want to ignore and avoid it because its weird for them. you’ll probably still want to tell them. so tell them, rip the bandaid off, and move on with your lives. take 1.7 years of no contact to get over it. the end. very simple hahahaha.

here we go, nice 2 hour show, rock in rio, 2001, decent sound, another rio show has terrible sound. crowd is much more high energy than german crowd in rock am ring.

oh god now im just getting creepy af. i am stalking my work colleagues daughters who are in their 20s and very successful with graduate degrees and great careers making lots of money and establishing themselves very well before age 28, never fooking up, working hard and reaping the rewards. i saw a picture of the older daughter and her husband and i was like, holy shit i think i know that guy. he looks a lot like the brother of an old friend i dont really talk to anymore but his whole fookin family is great great great (and hwyte) people.  very principled and ethical and kind and moral and exactly the type of people that should be having many many many hwyte children. it would be nice for me to contact the older brother i knew. he already has several beautiful hwyte children. so i stalked the younger brother knowing his name of course. only can find 2 public pictures of him with his wife, who is not unattractive hahaha. anyway the younger brother is also a good guy, but a little more on the intellectual side. still a great guy. whole family is AWESOME, no fookups there. even though the older one, well we used to drink a lot hahaha. and he turned out just fine too.

somehow i found out the daughters name and looked up both their names together. i was looking for a wedding announcement but couldnt find. felt creepy stalking this work womans daughter. a successful, attractive professional. she has several children who both quickly got valuable graduate degrees and making like 70k a year by age 26. now she is a very nice good woman and i dont doubt her children and family are the same, i am just a little envious of young people who have their SHIT TOGETHER so well.

now im trying to think of a way to ask the woman, hey is your daughter married to so and so? because how do i explain that one. the impetus was i was watching this 1 minute biography video my colleague did where she had 2 seconds with a photo of her daughter and her husband. kind of a blurry picture. naturally i paused it to gawk at her daughters and the men they chose. and the one guy looked immediately familiar even though its blurry.

now i havent had a great record with blurry pictures. like 3 days ago i looked at a blurry picture of 60 people trying to find that Woman and saw a woman that Kinda Looked like that woman. however that picture was a lot blurrier than this one, so i can say with MUCH more confidence that this man is actually who i think it is.

now he’s a great guy so i have no doubt the daughter chose wisely. but i wasnt nearly as close with this guy as i was with his brother. his brother would just come around and hang out with us sometimes but not all the time. i mean he had his own healthy social and work and school life too.

so basically a SMALL WORLD story here, you see those all the time, but I personally don’t, so its pretty interesting to me.

if i were friends with the guy on facebook, i could easily see pictures of him with his wife and find out more about his wife, and confirm it is the daughter. but i wasnt fb friends with him and i havent even been on fb in 2 years hahahaha.

but yeah. i wish i were more like ANY of these people. those men, or the woman’s daughters. hard working, motivated, persistent, high achieving, making good money in good careers by age 26, having happy lives, happily married, having children.

funny, these daughters are successful high powered highly educated career women, as is the mother, but like the mother, i imagine that they ALSO want to have a husband and children and are not interested in the CC, or, to coin a term, the Cock LADDER. they want the career AND the family, but they aren’t indecently, hypergamously dumping husbands and trying to climb the cock ladder the way they are trying to climb the career ladder.

shit they’re already at the top of the career ladder by age 30.

but the mother has been married for like 30 years, married only once as far as i know, and i feel her good values rubbed off on her daughters. successful educated career women who, despite that, STILL get married pretty young and start having BABIES young. wow. it DOES happen folks, despite all the black pilling we hear about childless cat ladies.

ok, maybe the daughter should have started having children before age 30, shit i dont even know how old she is, i know how old the supposed husband is. basically my age hahahaha. well i think hes a wee bit older. not much though. he’s at a very age-appropriate level of his career. doesnt have the same credentials and prob makes less than she does, but he is prob about equally as ambitious and hard working. he got a useless degree like me but through busting his ass and persistence and confidence, he still made something of himself. having a qt low number gf-then-waifu probably didnt hurt his confidence hahaha. but he prob already had established himself a bit by the time he met her, to pull a Confident Ambitious Career Woman like that. which is always a big risk, but, like i say, I think this girl was raised properly.

its just weird to see ambitious, successful, actually COMPETENT and smart career women, who are ALSO interested in babies and family and not fooking over their husbands and children, and in being good wives and mothers. it can be done. also a good example that Not All Women Are Like That hahaha. if i were a mgtow pvssy i would be totally hemming and hawing like a J about all this hahaha.

818 on a Work Night. not going to bed at 7pm, but around 9pm. trying to relax and calm my mind now by writing, playing some cards, and NOT watching the news. just watching some police procedural show with the volume turned down very low. listened to some maiden earlier but doing so now would just get me too pumped up before bed.

george lincoln rockwell. i should listen and read more to him. ive listened to a few speeches and interviews and liked them. i just keep forgetting about him.

this one is prob pretty good hahahaha. not confirmed. i can confirm he was a great speaker, was very J wise, and wow people are applauding him at UCLA in 1967. well i guess things didnt start getting really J’d until 1968. well how did he feel about vietnam hehehe. ok sounds like he was against it. but not because he luved commies and hated americans.

i know that he hated commies and traitors, and his wife left him for his beliefs, the navy took away his pension for his beliefs, and he was assassinated at too young of an age by antifa.

holy shit, very good speaker. shit you cant even get richard spencer at UCLA or Brown like Rockwell was. not bashing Spencer. just saying he is a WEE BIT lower energy than Rockwell, and that universities have gotten even worse on Freeze Peach.

so yeah his stuff is just as relevant now as it was then. really should spend money to get his books.

well isnt it principled of an official UCLA youtube channel to post the GLR speech at UCLA hahahaha. im sure they say its so people can have a record of this foaming venomous HATE, a chilling reminder etc, like how people talk about triumph of the will. a chilling reminder hehehe.

fook that shit i watch it for fun and good feels and inspiration hahahaha.

ok i guess he was killed by a disgruntled member of his party. probably a fed hahahahahahaha.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Margr%C3%A9t_%C3%9E%C3%B3ra_Hallgr%C3%ADmsson

holy shit his wife is still alive and they had 3 children. begs the question haahahha.

hope GLR was a good father to them. i know Dr Pierce was not a great father to his children and thats the one thing I dont like about Pierce.

now the ANP never really went anywhere and i dont know. maybe the time wasnt right. but stuff like DS and TRS are much much more relevant and valuable and powerful. better optics, better people hehehe. but GLR was a total top goy. we can all learn something from this wise and courageous man.  and war hero.

really hankering for another public appearance by some good goys, like what spencer did at TAMU like 3 months ago. we need shit like that EVERY DAY, not every few MONTHS. i think spencers planning something though. i hope.

would be nice to have a nice low number gf to cuddle and listen to GLR speeches for hours. watch die hard. watch triumph of the will. knowing that she liked hanging out with me more than with tons of other guys.

 

 

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