sheeeeeeeeeeeit LEONARD COHEN died. age 82. not sure what. he came out with that new song/album a few months ago. out of all the famous singers who died recently, LC is by far the one I liked the most. I was/am an actual literal serious LC FAN. I have seen LC live. TWICE! I have spent hours listening to and fully enjoying LC, respecting an admiring him. I know he was old and obviously wouldnt live forever, and his health seemed to be declining even with that. he did not have long in other words. and here it happened.
ive listened to him less the past few years, and have been trying to keep his JOOISHNESS in mind critically, but he was still prob muh fav JOO. and now that he is gone it would be a lot easier for me to push the button and send them all back to their homeland hahahaha.
i still think he was a good guy. i just didnt like that his profound songs, lyrics, philosophy had to be somehow TAINTED with jooishness.
i mean i dont think he was a typical antiwhite joo by any means.
he died on MONDAY and we only heard about it on THURSDAY? well thats more than fair. i would just hate for him to be pressured to make an anti trump statement during his last day of life hahahaha. who knows, he probably did before hahaha.
cant find cause of death. i mean it doesnt really matter, i just want to know if he secretly had CANCER like david bowie.
sheeeeeeeeit now i gotta listen to his latest album released 1 month ago. i heard one song from it and i didnt love it.
unfort i had a dream about That Woman last night so i am thinking about that.
also that she knows that I am a big cohen fan so when she hears about his death she will think of me unless she is just THAT dense, 50 50 chance there hahaha.
basically how can any big LC fan be a total betraying piece of shit? she would think if she was smart and mature, which she is not hahaha.
like LC, i have lived for years blaming myself for hurting and disappointing someone i luved, totally being a coward. this is kinda how LC viewed himself too. disappointed in himself for being a coward who hurt the people he luved. i totally know that feel.
anyway he captures that guilt and Vulnerability very well, all real fans know this.
anyway the dream: in the dream i finally received my long awaited Long Email from her. she actually never appeared in the dream, just the email.
the email was nice and long. but it did not have her name on it, and it was in my Spam folder, and I easily could have missed it because it was buried among 6000000 emails in my spam folder. (not realistic, i check and empty spam every day and there is never more than 4 emails in there due to how often i check it)
i read the email and while i was glad she was finally communicating with me, it was frustrating. i think she apologized for shutting down. but she spent a lot of time talking about her new bf. and how she had to go out and be young and stupid for a while, dating around, euphemisms for being a casual sex slut. then she finally met this guy who she cant even explain. on paper he sounds horrible: immature, unfriendly, he’s even more emotionally sensitive than me or even YOU (meaning me!), grumpy, stubborn, but I just saw something in him and now I am so happy.
(that made me angry and be like yeah but i am better than that! hes even MORE emotional than me? why couldnt you just pick ME instead? why go out and be a slut and then end up with a guy whos like me, but even WORSE? why not contact me earlier and give me a chance? I still luv you!)
so yeah my ultimate feeling after getting the letter was frustration, not really any greater closure, but a reawakened desire to try to beg her to come to me, pleeeease think about dating me, please give me a chance, you’re dating an emotional, short, grumpy, awkward guy, i am all those things too, but i am trying to become a better man though! and i would luv you unconditionally!
so yeah the whole feeling was like, this doesnt make me feel much better, this wasnt the closure i was looking for, she didnt talk enough about the stuff i wanted her to talk about (apologizing, dont blame yourself, youre a great guy) and talked too much about stuff i didnt want to hear about (new emo boifran, slutting it up.)
and she said, you absolutely need to have no contact with me in order to get over this, we cant talk again for like a YEAR. and just go out there and meet new people. I did! good people, bad people, just any new people. youll meet a few shitty people but eventually you will meet a great person and then you will get over me!
so that was technically good, becuase yeah thats exactly what i need to do, and that was her saying, theres no chance between me and you.
mainly i was angry because i was like, overall, she doesnt’ really GET it. this isnt the letter i wanted.
but that made it easier for me to dislike her and to see how Incompatible we were, so thats kinda good tho.
but it also sucked to bring all the feelings back to the surface again, to remind me that i still wanted her. i had a strong urge to reply and try to persuade her like a game of chess. i still want you.
so yeah. basically it means that a letter from her wouldn’t do a ton of good at this late date. its too late hahahaha.
but technically i wouldnt mind DISliking her more. or an apology, an admission of her guilt, and her saying it wasnt my fault.
so yeah. i guess an email wouldnt be all bad. because i HATE being misunderstood, and not listened to, not given a chance to defend myself, and having someone i luv, hate me forever.
but yeah i dont need stupid dreams bringing HER back to the fore, when there are much more important things happeneing in the world!
leonard cohen dying!
and all i can think of now is, well when she hears about LC dying, she might think of ME and maybe try to contact me!
sheeeeit shes prob so busy working, making money, succeeding, and being in luv and fookin new bf’s, to ever hear about LC or remember anything about him.
i mean she could even have a CHILD by now hahahaha. thats how long i havent seen her.
she is SO MUCH OVER ME, and I am not really enough over her at all.
i mean i get good days and bad days, and had a couple bad days re her recently.
also, my good days are worse than normies bad days hahahaha.
good advice from communist alice. it takes courage to confess feelings. open direct communication is the best way forward. he doesnt want to reject you as a person.
thats something thats not covered in these talks. when you confess feelings for a friend, the “norm” is they are like, i dont feel that way, but i dont want to lose your friendship, you are valuable to me as a friend, and then you say, well yeah its complicated! but some space would be nice, can we agree on some space, i mean i wish you well tho.
but from her i got YOU BEATRAYED ME YOU PIECE OF SHIT I NEVER WANT TO TALK TO YOU AGAIN!!!!!
which left me devastated. but i didnt really get that though. i just got nothing.
again, just have a direct conversation, with no warnings of this could really really really blow up horribly.
which leads me to believe that blowing up THAT horribly is not normal.
ie, SHE DEFINITELY OVERREACTED BIGLY.
which doesnt mean i wasnt a coward, i def was.
but it takes a lot of courage to do this, AND she overreacted WAY too much, even for a WOMAN.
women are not that bad, white women voted for TRUMP. white women voted for trump. white women are not degen garbage who fook dogs and negros. at least 53% of white women are good hahahaha.
ok call to job int in 2 weeks from stupid hospital. yes THAT hospital. this is for an afternoon shift job with no benefits (casual) and which will be lucky to get 12 an hour. oh well. hopefully they can at least have the decency to give me an actual interview!!!!!!!!
instead of me showing up at 830 am, them saying you would be bored with this job, why dont you try applying for something that would be a better FIT for you, dont look desperate, this job isnt for you, we here at this hospital look at the types of jobs you apply to, you should really apply for something thats a better fit for you, good luck, buh bye.
goddam k1k3s hahahaha.
no you cant just APPLY for one of the 4000 new trump administration jobs. i checked hahaha.
forced self to eat less cereal this morning than i would normally eat.
fookin portion control!
stupid computer. hard drives. never had a hard drive fail. WHY did it fail? was i using the computer too much? i did use it a lot.
but its also been making a weird clicking and humming noise for like 2 months. which i wasnt sure was the hard drive but now i am much more sure thats what it was. cuz the beeping came from the same place.
root cause for hard drive failure. we dont know why your hard drive broke and you lost all your files hahaha.
well my most important files are all on The Cloud. i am really just losing a bunch of music files i downloaded. thats about it. really not bad.
leonard cohen. well he fell in luv many times, even more than i did, and was able to turn his profound feels into classic, timeless songs that will last hundreds of years. i do not have that talent hahahaha. just this blog hahahaha. this blog is my “hallelujah” hahahaha. my “suzanne” and all that shit. so long marianne. im your man. first we take manhattan. take this waltz. dance me to the end of luv. great song, i dont care that some joos say its about the h0l0h04x, its still beautiful. bird on a wire. you know what song i like is sing another song boys. everybody knows hahaha. a great newer song is “alexandra leaving.” heart with no companion. the future. all that shit. joan of arc. avalanche. chelsea hotel. famous blue raincoat. lover lover lover. all great songs hahaha.
you gotta be a goddam POLITICIAN to CAMPAIGN why you are the BEST candidate for this 11 dollar an hour job. you cant just say the right things, you gotta really sell yourself and convince people. SHE couldnt do that! but she gets a good job just because she doesnt have a GAP like a NEET hahahaha.
hehehe. hey i had an offer for a tech support call center help desk tier 1 job myself, for good money. but i turned it down because i was too SCARED and COWARDLY. i was like, its not worf it m8.
one thing i got better at is giving clients bad news. give a brief story of specific example when you were bad, then what you did, seek out mentorship, read books, watched youtube, here’s the top 3 things i learned, and here’s a specific story of when i got good at giving the bad news. of our company doesnt want to spend the money to fix our broken equipment hahahaha.
anyway i am real bad with these specific stories. i have a few but they are just not good enough. i SHOULD have written them down while i was THERE. to make them as DETAILED and EPIC and HEROIC as possible. spin them so they have a better ending of we just ignored the person because there case was too hard and expensive to solve, so we gave them the runaround until they stopped calling, because the person who did know how to help them just didnt want to, and we dont have access to the secret information in their head. job security. dont tell anybody anything and sure as hell dont write it down. and then dont help the people who are begging you to help them, becuase they dont even know you can help them.
but yeah now got the 28th interview lined up. not nearly as excited about this job, but welp the PIPELINE hasnt been so full lately hehe.
HONESTLY. why cant the skool just hire me already.
got like FOUR rej emails yesterday for various jobs. and less than half of places actually send rej emails. so what does that tell you. i rarely even APPLY for 4 jobs a day anymore. 3 or 4 on a GOOD day. 0 or 1 on a bad day hahaha.
ok applied for hospital job on the slow computer. great job, entry level data entry thing with very short description. prob get rejected as i always do for these hospital jobs hehe.
took some nyquil. always a good time there. wish we had legal mj. maybe in 2018 election. why not 2017? i thought the state could technically do something like that at ANY time.
but good luck getting Normal People out when there is not a presidential election! like for local elections, no one ever comes out.
even in the big 2016 election, only 55% of eligible people voted. tons of people were just not registered or just too lazy to vote.
i agree that i am too lazy and dont DESERVE to vote, but thats NOT what these people are thinking, they are just too lazy and uncaring to vote. i vote because i know i have to make use of this power (which i dont deserve, but i have anyway) to keep The Enemy From Winning. that much i can do.
im not proud of how i acted and some days i REALLY blame myself, but the FACT, the FINAL FACT, the VERDICT, is, SHE OVERREACTED BIGLY hehehehe. women tend to overreact and she overreacted on top of an overreaction. so that is on her, and i shouldnt and cannot blame myself for that. like i MADE her do that.
yeah basically i thought even though our rel was In Trouble, that I was entitled to, that i had EARNED THE RIGHT TO DEFEND MYSELF.
how can you so easily throw me away, make me dead to you and you dead to me? we knew each other for 3 years!!!! Ive earned the right to defend myself against what you’ve charged me with! so lets have a damn trial! lets sit down and talk and present our cases before the judge and jury! i am confident enough to represent myself as my own attorney. you can get an attorney too if you like.
well then we would have to hire a judge and jury. that would be too expensive. finding an impartial group of people to make a decision on something that onyl matters to ONE person, me.
so yeah a Trial would have been NICE for me…..but its an expensive bourgeois LUXURY to have a trial.
no ones ENTITLED to a trial hahahaha.
your trial, my funeral hahahahahahahaha
just spending money like water this week and its not even xmas hahaha.
so yeah. i thought she would be willing to give me a TRIAL. LET ME DEFEND MYSELF. LISTEN TO ME. again thats all part of the Natural, Beautiful Complexity of being Thrown Away. it is a flower with many petals hahahaha.
i mean yeah. when a person can just Switch It Off, so 180, thats a Red Flag that you are not compatible with them.
of course compatibility is a jooish lie hahahahaha. its not about compatibility, its about WILLINGNESS TO WORK.
yeah well she wasnt WILLING TO WORK EITHER.
16 months later, 480 days later, still thinking about this. well, 500 is a nice round number like 100% is hahahaha.
leonard cohen. whose the white leonard cohen. LC was a great man but his CYNICISM and DESPAIR and PESSIMISM was so TYPICALLY Jooish. i am all those things too, and i dont like that jooishness in me, but it comes from living in a jooish culture and world. i dont want to be this way hahahaha. the world made me this way. my goy heart innately rejects it.
not to say ALL of cohens stuff was pessimistic! but he also wasnt willing to reject his own jooishness. he had a good sense of being a joo. well, few joos do not. they just say, well im not religious, we dont go to temple, we’re basically white. except when it comes to evil racist white privilege and granny dying in muh holocaust, then they are 6000000% jooish.
heh all the cohen fans are also antitrump. and i said, well if a person is a cohen fan they’re prob good people. hahahaha. no they are shitlib antiwhites hahaha. i might be the only trump supporting cohen fan in the world. now, trump supporting cohen fans, i guarantee you THEY are good people hahahaha. great intersectionality there.
ghoul doxxing himself damn. yeah i am jelly he is a handsome nonnevergf chad, but its good for our people, and it takes courage to do this. i mean his real name hasnt come out, but its just a damn matter of time now.
i mean hows he ever gonna get a job as a phd now? thats what i worry about.
well he could prob get a job at a community college, which is seen as BENEATH the majority of phds…….but i can verify that its NOT beneath a sizable minority of them hahahaha. and i think ghoul would appreciate the chance to actually influence real people. i mean the CC is the great equalizer A LOTTTTTTTTTT more than some bourge university is, i realize that, and im sure ghoul realizes that.
white women voted for trump. white women voted for trump hahahaha. my knee-jerk reaction against white women is BAD, negative, a reflex i want to change. i get Stankface and think, these disgusting negro fooking sluts. these stupid annoying children. emily youcis, get the fook out of here, i dont want any annoying sluts in muh alt right white movement.
i would never hurt or abuse a woman, but my GOD do i TALK SHIT about them NONSTOP. my first reflex is to talk MAD shit about women. and i wish it werent hahahaha.
maybe if i met emily youcis in person and had a 1 on 1 conversation with her i wouldnt dislike her so much hahahaha.
but now im like, ha. women. these bandwagon jumpers. she’s just doing this because its edgy. she’ll be gone in ONE YEAR. I’ve been pro-white for six years hahahahah and just getting deeper.
its SAD that my FIRST REACTION to white women is one of dislike, negativity.
bbbbut im in a woman hating phase right now, it will pass.
i will be in a woman hating phase until i get over HER, which will take 2 full years hahahaha.
so if i am still hating women in july 2017, then i should work on that hahahaha. that is my deadline hehehe.
but yeah i can convince myself that white women arent all bad (i dont really care about nonwhite women, they can ALL be degen pigs, disgusting animals, and i just dont care, because theyre not “My Women.”) when i remind myself, 53% of white women voted for trump hahahaha. i mean thats a powerful Logic Bomb hehehehe.
basically, Not All Women, and Not Even MOST Women, would Heartless Hurt Me Deeply. Not Even MOST Women would have disgusting casual negro sex.
that is my Positive, non pessimistic mantra for the day haha. NOT EVEN MOST WOMEN. are evil children. or just destructive bratty out of control children, 50 foot baby with 600000000 machine guns.
come on. just pay a person to do what you dont want to do. it doesnt even have to be a professional. just hire the dr nick of relship counselors hahaha. pay tyrone off the street 20 bucks for crack to be a messenger of bad news. hey i dont like giving bad news either.
applied for 3 jobs. called one thing “payroll clerk” in cover letter even though official name is “payroll assistant.” WHOOPS auto disqualified! this is the same company i really really really wanted the IT job at. a health care company with good reputation. i also applied for a financial job at that same time which they mentioned in the IT interview, i said I’d be happy with either but was 60 40 into the IT job re better fit. i was reallllllly hoping to get the job. got nothing. also did not even get interview for financial job. NOW i just applied for payroll job at this company. i KNOW they are growing like wildfire because they told me that at the interview. they plan to double in size in 2 years.
applied for PT general office clerk job at health care “business” company. have applied for this SAME job like 4 or 5 times, ALWAYS get rejected. then it opens again a month later, then i apply again. get rejected again. well, sometimes its a FT version of basically the same job. diff req numbers each time so i COUNT it on muh sheet as a new job. numbers up.
onyl spent 178 hours on Job Search. Maybe i need to spend at least 500 hahahaha.
i would much rather just pay the 2100 dollars that these hours are worth at 12 dollars an hour rate and have someone else do this work for me hehehehe.
just all so fookin retarded. i cant help but feel if i were like 22 years old instead of 10ish years older than that, they would be more willing to hire me and i wouldnt have to do 28 goddam interviews.
god damn j1zz burping cvnt.
well did good today on calories at least. and technically on job apps, got 4 done. beating the avg of 3 hahaha.
i mean sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit.
yeah i mean TRY to give me the BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT. 2.7 years, you think you’d be “entitled” to the BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT. this might not be the worst case scenario. maybe he wasnt a huge liar. maybe thats why he was always trying to hang out. maybe thats what he said in those emails i deleted. maybe i shouldnt ahve overreacted so much. yeah i know he overreacted too but what would i do if i started liking a friend? i mean yeah thsi is an uncomfortable conversation, but he’s not a bad guy, he means well, we were good friends once, i’ll send my mom, or a mutual friend, or a shrink, or pay a black crack bum 20 bucks, to be the bringer of bad news for me.
the fact that she couldnt do ANY of that tells me that she was ANGRY and HATEFUL towards me and WANTED to PUNISH me for HURTING her.
but yeah i’ll never know. going down that rabbit hole again. wouldnt be going down it if i had some MJ, or a JOB, or other women to hang out with, or more friends to hang out with. i mean i have acquaintances who will prob go to the bar tonight…..but i dont really want to go to the bar! but i should go to the bar just to be social right?
yeah but its so loud and packed you cant even TALK to anyone or HEAR anyone. you cant be social when you literally have to scream in someones ear. is it that bad that i avoid these sort of situations? why cant i just go to someones house and play vidya and games and MJ and we can talk at a normal volume and actually hear each other?
but i feel ashamed showing myself when i dont have a job.
and i havent had a job in 16 months hahahaha.
well, i am ok with doing my weekly thing tho.
sooo……do i want to do that thing on saturday night then?
well i mean….i dunno. i wish there were other social options other than the bar, or that social game. for example, a friend i could just hang out with at a home, play vidya, play games, watch tv, take mj hahahaha. MAYBE take mj. i am lacking friends that i am close enough to do that sort of stuff with. to actually have relaxed banter. my other acquaintences are big on sports and tv, i dont know shit about sports and tv. i try to talk about it but i cant get very far. its HARD WORK hahahaha.
when you go down from 36 waist to 34 and have to switch from L underoos to M hahahaha. and XL t shirts to L.