MAN CANNOT REMAKE HIMSELF WITHOUT SUFFERING, FOR HE IS BOTH THE MARBLE AND THE SCULPTOR

july 19

sheeeeit.

big interview tomorrow. i just got a rejection email from the county for a 26k a year clerk job, and tomorrow i am interviewing with the county for a 30k job. hmm. well i will wear new suit, i’ve also gotten a haircut since muh last interview, so i will LOOK quite a bit better at least.

gotta be prepared for the question Why Do You Want to work HERE. this is where you slip in some marketing mission statement bullshit to show that you are PASSIONATE about the organizations MISSION. Shit you can even say “I am passionate about this organizations Mission.” that’s more than That Woman would say and she would still get the job because shes a cute smiling young woman and all the men want to fook her.

heh. enough already with that woman. its been A YEAR. OFFICIALLY. I have passed the ONE YEAR mark.

and it just proves to me that something of this magnitude will take TWO years to fully get over.

heh. you might THINK sperm is cheap, but to that opportunistic slut in the bar, its worth 216 thousand dollars. think about THAT.

really, the expensive EGG is worth NOTHING without sperm. but getting sperm is so damn EASY and cheap, that its a moot point.

got muh shit printed out for tommorrow.

shit yesterday i was POKING AROUND on peoples google PLUS pages. like people from the job. It was as if i was TRYING to find her. Somewhat Surprisingly, I didnt find her, even though I looked at all the connections of people she was friendly with.

I wondered if she had blocked my GMAIL account so I couldn’t even SEE her on GPlus!

i mean, NOBODY is Gplus SAVVY but i still saw a lot of people from the job there. they didn’t actually USE the profiles, because NOBODY does, but they were still CONNECTED to familiar people.

btu not her. which made me wonder if she blocked me on GOOGLE! can you do that? would you just not see the person on google plus ever at all? I don’t have a real gplus account, but I can still see tons of other people that we knew.

this is while searching for the personal email address of my former manager hahahaha so I could use it in references hahahaha. but i am too scared to contact HIM directly. i will take him off when he contacts ME and says please stop this hahahahaha.

http://www.refinery29.com/2016/07/116520/white-boy-privilege-poem-royce-mann

barrrrfffff

8th grade (((white))) boy does filthy slam poem on white privilege and he’s not even white, he’s a joo hahaha. sneaky, sneaky joo.

normies and even WOMEN are getting tired of this SJW stuff. you dont even have to be anti white to gain the approval of women. not that you ever did.  but it might be easier for a pro-white white man to find a white woman now who wont leave him for being pro-white hahahaha.

maybe That Woman can go be with some more masculine, winner white man and they can both be pro-white racists together, she could have been my white waifu too, but i was too weak hahahaha.

ok interview tomorrow. got my shit printed. i also got in muh 3 applications today. 3.21 per day for the past 19 days hahaha. 12.2 minutes per application. 61 apps in past 19 days. I can do better than that…..cant I?

like i said, as time goes on, its IMPOSSIBLE to bring this average up. move the needle. the needle moves insanely slowly.

i would say bribe your friends to act as your professional references. they can literally pretend they were your manager at walmart and say you were the best worker, even though you and you manager hated each other and he fired you because you called in sick with the flu hahaha when you were shitting and puking all over the place.

anyway your real manager wouldnt possibly give you a good reference, so just have your friend or parent lie and SAY they were your manager!

do people calling references check and make sure the people are actually who they are SUPPOSED to be? and couldn’t you just make up a fictitious name anyway?

well, then it’s hard to……list a email with a different name?

or maybe just use their real name, and just say they were your manager when they never were?

cuz if they use a fake name, a person calling asking for the fake name might confuse them and they temporarily forget they are supposed to be this person?

dont tons of people do fake references like this? what do THEY do?

probably use the person’s real name and then like and say they were the manager.

i mean you should write out a story and give to your friend.

what if you dont have any friends? then youre really screwed hahahha.

oh george feels. why doesnt he go to a shrink?

why doesnt he get meds?

WHY DOESNT HE SM0KE MJ??!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!

all these are very important questions. he lives in colorado with legal MJ. In other words I would be smokin mj all day. why doesnt he? people in the comments mention it. i have not heard him mention it.  but he should try it. i know i would be.

also he doesnt seem to understand that his father is just an older version of him, so dont complain about your father being lazy or a failure. pot meet kettle hahaha.

cuz his father is a fat guy who was unemployed for 3 years after constantly getting laid off before that. trouble keeping a job hahaha. working for shitty companies that close and lay everyone off haha.

well the father finally got a job, probably in a damn call center hahahaha. would like to hear more about that.

the parents also come from ukraine. hope they arent jooish. lotta joos in ukraine. well then george and his fam would probably be more successful. working angles through the local JCC and such.

but yeah george should be more thankful he has an easy job. if he got laid off he would see how hard it is to find a new job. also george wouldnt last a day in an inbound call center hehehehe.

how many interviews would GEORGE have to go on to find a job?

10 or more?

i am having the big 10th interview tomorrow.

george needs to learn the pain of interviewing and not getting the job. like what his father went through for the past 3 years!

if george is 31, i am guessing his father is maybe 51 to 56? those immigrants have children when they are younger.

i generally like george. if i ever did my neetcast, I would do talks with him. skype. hangouts. i would also try to bring him into the alt right. I would also encourage him to try MJ hahahaha. even tho its degen. if i were in colorado i would try to hang out with him.

https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&rlz=1C1NHXL_enUS687US687&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=medical%20marijuana%20for%20depression%20forum

http://www.psychforums.com/depression/topic41651.html

intradasting stuff from the clinpsych robert

although OP is much more schizo than depressive, so kinda irrelevant, but robert was very anti-psych meds like ssris. and was not talking like a tinfoil hat alex jones type idiot like That Woman who thought ssris were how the bilderberg group was controlling our minds maaaaan now lets smoke some more weeeeeed maaannnn.

hey i would like to not take them, but i also dont want to chance it. also it doesnt feel like they really do much anyway. but last time i quit them was 1 year ago and then a whole bunch of shit happened.  i flipped out and quit muh job and couldnt handle that woman. but i dont think that really had to do with the quitting ssris tbh. i think it would have been rough even if i were loaded up with ssris.  maybe i was slightly more emotional or on edge…..but i was emotional and on edge ANYWAY.

anyway if i ever nailed down a steady job that wasnt constantly driving me to a nervous breakdown, i would think about quitting the ssris. maybe.

honestly. im not sure about a lot in life, but i am FAIRLY sure that it wasnt my quitting ssri’s that was the straw that broke the camels back.

the straw that broke the camels back was her dumping me and refusing to talk to me ever again hahaha.

wow that was INSANE. glad to be over the worst of that. glad i am slowly getting better. right at that very time, shit was HORRIBLE. i mean i could barely move for a month.

now i can do 21 applications a week hahaha and go to interviews, and get suits, get them tailored, lose 25 pounds, etc.

kinda surprised there hasnt been black violence outside of the repub convention!!! how many days does this last? 3? 5?

july 18 thru 21. so 4 days. 2 days down. its already half over.

https://undividedattentionparenting.com/

MAH BOY is doing a new parenting blog and also says he wants theoretically to help neets, although the ideal is to not have neets to begin with. of COURSHE. easier to raise a nonneet than to fix a neet hahahaha. oh great.

well i was never a TV Baby though. And muh fam was pretty involved. I was just kinda a bad seed. Sure I watched a LITTLE TV and played SOME vidya, but muh fam was smart enough to know that too much of that stuff was bad, so they didnt let me watch TOO much TV.

now, this blogger is An Anti-TV Extremist hahahahaha and now i kinda agree with him because i am a neet and really there’s no BENEFIT to TV. BUT…..I dont think I became a neet because I watched too much TV or played too much vidya. I became a neet because I couldnt deal with life in general hahahaha. couldnt handle jobs and women. I had no CONFIDENCE ever. Unlike his child, I was not ready to “kick the worlds ass.”

so yeah i was always low in confidence, ever since grade school, and it wasn’t the tv and vidya that caused it I dont think. Although I did like playing vidya as an escape, as something fun.

maybe it was because i was a “late bloomer” and Short so I was a failure with women and knew it ever since the beginning of puberty, and i started being interested in gurls at the same time too. but I always felt inferior, because I was a short Unpopular Weirdo and not a Popular Normie Chad, (we called them “preppies” or “jocks”  and also the “gangster” boys got the trashier sluts), so i wasn’t what gurls wanted, so I always kinda resented women for not liking Quiet Shy Guys like me!

So I saw how women really are almost immediately!!! but I just didnt want to accept it. well 20 years later, i accept it hahahahaha.

july 20

weeiirrdddd

there are large assembly manufacturing, assembly line plants for YUGE companies in my immediate area. a generation ago, people made a decent upper working class living working on the LINE. there are still thousands of people who work on the LINE and bitch and moan about two tier wage systems and why we only make 14 dollars and hour etc.

but I have NEVER been able to find these job postings!

all the manufacturing/assembly/operations jobs on the cmpany page are for Leaders and Supervisors of assembly areas.

all chiefs, no indians.

there are several team lead openings and NEVER any team member openings.

  1. WHY ARENT THESE INTERNAL ONLY postings where a team member is then promoted from within, to supervisor?
  2. where the FOOK are the Team Member postings? do you have to go thru an Agency? maybe the UNION HALL?

where do all these 90 IQ white trash tattooed alcoholics chugging beer on their lunch break, get THEIR jobs????

(yes thats classist hahaha but my point still stands.)

had interview with law enforcement agency. apparently there will be angry phone calls about bail for the jail. maintaining prisoner records. I looked good at least with muh new suit, tie, 30 dollar dress shoes. sent thank you email. 3 person interview panel: HR, one uniformed LE officer, and another woman who prob works in the actual dept.

so i can take phone calls for screaming ingras all day bitching about their boy dindu nuffin, whys he sitting in jail hahahahaha.

i dunno they are interviewing a lot of peopelfor the job.

i was ok but AGAIN i was nervous, stumbling over words like an autist virgin. but at least I LOOKED better than I usually do. the haircut and suit make a big diff there.

this place is close to that woman’s house but thank god, you cannot see her house or even her street on the drive over. its possible I could see her driving or maybe stopped at this one partic traffic light near her house.

this is assuming she didnt move in with a new boifran or something. but she always stayed at home with her family even though she was way old enough to Move Out and be a Whore, but she didn’t. she preferred to stay at home with family. I liked this about her.

new episode of fatherland and FINALLY an appeareance from muh boy jeronimus (see parenting blog above.) this guy, i have been reading him years before TRS, he was influential to me. and I want everyone on TRS to RESPECT him. do they even know who this guy IS??? he’s been a real white warrior since they were in short pants!!!! so i frown when I see people arguing with him on the forum, giving him shit, or why he is not welcomed with open arms by the Admins of TRS. like he should regularly be on the daily shoah, not struggling to get an appearance on the fatherland.

anyway i hope the fatherland appreciates him, they SHOULD. I sure do. I have been reading him since…2012? 2011? back when he had his old blog, before he and his family was DOXXED by joos.  he even gave me his phone number and told me to CALL HIM and WE’LL TALK. I was too scared to, but I thought it was a great sign of good faith and shows what a Real Guy he is. He talks to people on the phone regularly about Movement stuff and I hope he meets people in real life too.

sheeeit. i tried to get out of them how much phone time it was. sounded like more phone time than the listing said. the listing sounded really good. the actual job didnt sound so good. possibly nonstop calls from angry ingras complaining about dey chilluns dindu nuffin, yall raciss mufugga!

well its true that I am racist, hahahahaha.

anyway yeah the suit looked great, but not sure if it translated to extremely improved confidence for me. although i was certain of the fact i looked better. last interview 13 days ago, i had the shitty “suit”, my hair was long and messy, etc, so i def LOOKED better now, although I wanted THAT job a lot more than this one hahahaha.

jeez. local news story of good looking white 27 year old woman who was beaten up and RUN OVER by her boifran, who had shitloads of damage, was taken off life support, died, has 2 young children, looking at gofundme page. there was one generous donation by a guy with a NatSoc related user name, and one comment like “id donate 100$ if i knew she wasnt a COAL BURNER”. and then plenty of remarks on the newspaper story about is she a mudshark, is she a coal burner? and of course it was one of the first questions i asked too. young white single mother, still good looking, has a domestic violent Boifran, lives in a White Trash city with a lot of blacks. you HAVE to ask, was she burning the coal? pretty good chance.

i mean a 27 year old woman with a 9 year old child?

at least her children look white from the tiny pictures on the gofundme page.

shit its possible THAT WOMAN knows this gurl hahaha.

i dunno i just dont like mudsharks, and i hate that That Woman Mudsharked once, and if she mudsharks again thats bad, and if she doesnt mudshark again that also sucks because it means she became racially aware, which is awesome,  so a racially aware qt tradwife rejected me hahahaha.

i was NEVER really confident! as soon as the gurls started developing, I was very interested. they werent interested in me, but were interested in the taller, more athletic, popular boys, didnt like Short Manlet DORKS like me. So for all of Adolescent I felt like a Dork who wasnt good enough to pull a woman. never really felt confident.

so why didnt i try to develop muh confidence in other ways? like sports and working. well i did work some. but i literally hated sports. cuz i was not a good team player, and i found it intimidating and confusing and felt like a beta male. a little faggy sissy who was bad at sports, so i just AVOIDED sports.

but shit i could have still LIFTED, or done like bmxing or some shit. but nooooo. or shooting. hunting. shooting and hunting would have been a good masculine hobby that wasnt sportsball.

but yeah. ever since Puberty, and even BEFORE, I was NEVER very confident at all. always timid and meek and unsure and shy and never outwardly confident.

I think it all began when I went to skool. Cuz I was very young for my grade and also very short and petite hahahaha. so if i had been homeschooled, I would have turned out allright hahahaha. did not do well with the competition of skool. and work. and life.

was NEVER confident with women. EVER. except maybe slightly when i had just spent some quality time with a woman. whic is kinda miraculous that i EVER did! its more than george feels or some other virgin ever got!

when I was….15 or maybe even 14 was the first time i made out with a grill, and that was a totally normie experience, that i reacted to very autistically and beta. meaning, SHE was more interested than I was, so I “settled” just to try out the experience, but I was ultimately very ambivalent about it, and sometimes got downright ASSMAD about it. like WHY did I ever even talk to that gurl? that SUCKED. that was a stupid first make out. I’m gonna WAIT until I find someone I really like, or really connect with. this gurl is annoying and not super hawt and Im just not into her, she’s more into me than I am into her.

when really this is pretty NORMAL. WOMEN select their MEN. and they use their feminine wiles to try to persuade a perhaps on the fence man to stay with them. having a CHILD with him, thats a good way to trap a man! unless he is a total deadbeat or ingra…..which many men are!

so instead of wanting some disney egalitarian bullshit, i should have just been HAPPY WITH WHAT I COULD GET and not get so autistically angry about it.

maybe I would have come to like the gurl more if I had spent more time with her! but I BARELY even hung out with her because we didnt live in the same town! we were “pen pals” for a little while, but I wasn’t really into that. i mean she lived 40 miles away, i didnt have a car, i couldnt drive hahaha, i didnt even really want to talk to her on the phone, etc.

now, i didnt think I would go another 6 years without making out with a grill, nor did I realize how fooked up I would become over those 6 years! alcohol, drugs, irresponsbilitiy, and still having lowass confidence!

but yeah its that low confidence that was always the common denominator.

and then in social groups, I was always the beta male for sure. see boys crave hierarchy and structure!

BUT it wasnt really fun being the beta male either!!!!!

was it because the alpha male of my group wasn’t the best leader?

I dont really hold it against him though! he was a good guy at heart. very good guy. I can’t blame HIM for ruining me, hahahaha. i mean that is really reaching. that’s basically implanting a damn false memory.

i mean I had other friends were there was more “democracy” or less of a beta male thing, and it still didn’t really improve my confidence! I still drank alcohol at too young an age, smonked MJ.

like teens in the US think getting WASTED and TRASHED is COOL, so they BINGE drink and get FOOKED UP. getting FOOKED UP is the goal. kids in yurop sneer and think why would you want to get FOOKED UP? Better to just have a few drinks, get loose, but no need to get FOOKED UP YEAAAAAA PARTAY!!!!!

basically it all stems back to me starting like preschool or kindergarten or 1st grade. yep. it was 1st grade. first year of serious school. i was aware of me being weird and different and somehow lesser. a beta. and i didnt like it. i felt shy and timid and meek. very self conscious. socially anxious hahaha.

YEP if I had just been homeschooled, none of that would have happened.

or, at least, homeschooled till the age of 10 or so hahahahaha.

but when I was 5-10, nobody homeschooled. it just wasnt done. I didnt even know homeschooling existed until I was out of high school.

also i think i was just neurotic. i was born prematurely, so i wonder if that contributed to me being short, unmasculine (less time to be drenched in testosterone? but how would the mother’s womb create testosterone anyway?), neurotic.

there was a period during my puberty where I thought I was a homer sexual, so that made me all defensive of homo rights and all that. I identified with them as trasngressives, underdogs, fighting the mean uptight normies.

it probably came from not being exposed to many real life gurls (single secs high school, hahahaha) where there were a bunch of sissy girly boys who roman soldiers would have had a grand old time with, and then went on to marry women and have families. no problem.

at the time i was resentful of not having any gurls in muh high school, oh its gonna turn me gay, but majority of everyone else turned out fine, got gfs and wives etc.  you could still meet gurls in other schools provided you had friends who went to other schools. well, i did….but I guess we were ALL kinda bad with gurls. well my one friend was ok with gurls but I never asked him to introduce me to gurls. plus he went with these MJ smoking rocker grrls and I was intimidated by that, I wanted a “nice girl”. and then gradually I started smoking MJ and drinking myself…..although I did not hang out with a bunch of Party People. shit if i did, i probably would have gotten Laid with some drunk slut. and it would have been much like when i made out with that one gurl. i woulda said, this SUCKS, even though its not SUPPOSED to suck.

i guess i sorta felt confident around women when i had female friends, and i could talk and hang out with women like they were human beings, and not feel judged and undesirable etc. even though i had already been judged as being undesirable from a Mating standpoint! but really at that time i didnt CARE. usually whenever I made female friends, i was usually hung up on some previous woman anyway.

i mean shit same thing with that woman. i didnt care about luving her because i was still in luv with woman2012! until one i got over woman2012 and fell in luv wth woman2015!

sooo it should be 2018 when i fall in luv with another woman?

well, 2017, 2018 is when the shit will go down in flames hahaha.

ok time to powerwalk in “brilliant sun” and try to get tan hahahaha.

so yeah. confidence. LEADERSHIP. assertiveness. I never had these things. I am trying to remember times i had a relative maximum of them. my relative maximum, which were few and far between, was probably about NORMAL for a Normie.

shit. it was probably fall 2013. almost 3 years ago. i was doing good at my job, i was getting along very well with That Woman, we were getting closer as a matter of fact. we talked alot about job searching. she said her boifran might be able to get us into his job, which pays pretty well.

this was before i was in luv with her. i was encouraging her to Work On Things with the boifran, to put in effort. he was stubborn but I wanted her to try. and she did. I wish she had stubbornly tried with ME.

anyway i said ok shit i’ve been here too long, might as well try it out.

and then it all happened very quickly. we both were hired and started working there. we both Aced the Interview and were hired hahaha. that should have told me something. they hired like 30, 40 people at once. they hired me after a 10 minute interview with me and just one manager and no one else.

i should have been more diligent in talking to that woman: let me talk to your boifran about what this job is REALLY like. what is this job. because later i was like SHIT I wish i had a better idea of what this job was before i took it! waawawawawaw i cant handle this i want to go back to our old job!

shit i probably could have. but i Toughed it out til layoff, was invited back after layoff, then i REALLY toughed it out for a full 10 months, that was where I REALLY grew and got better and started burning out again hahaha. then got invited back and then lasted like 2 more weeks before shit EXPLODED.

i guess in like november 2014 i had another relative maximum of confidence. i had gained confidence at the job, was earning a reputation as Smart Guy, and my “crush” on the woman was new and exciting and hadn’t turned to POISON yet, and I was certain we would hang out soon and I would tell her.

when else did i have confidence? uhhh maybe july august 2004. i had gotten a bit of a makeover, i had met a qt gurl and banged her and lost muh virginity, i was ready to start College again after a failure and a hiatus there.

well of course the thing with the girl failed soon, but miraculously i was able to do well in school that year. if i had done that well every year maybe i could/would have gone to grad skool. but i was focused on just finishing school, i had NO IDEA about what to do AFTERWARD.

SHIT , i could have made something of myself if I had Lived At the Career Center for a few months after graduation, until I finally got a proper job somewhere, anywhere.

But I fooked that up, and said well MAYBE i should go to grad school, so I will be a bullshit research assistant with these profs and see what happens there.

and because those were not real jobs cracking the whip on me and demanding results on a timeline, I shirked it and spend too much time drinking and losing my mind over gurls. 3 gurls, 1 summer hahahaha. all of them rejecting me and causing madness hahahaha.  that distracted me from the shit i SHOULD have been doing with the profs.

oh sure blame everybody but my self!!!!!

well its true these things were distracting.

well i should have been seeing a shrink to teach me how to deal with these women and also to help me not drink! i was drinking to cope and that was not good.

so I FLOUNDERED with my research work, did not get a REAL job, and the next year january came Back Home like a Failure. I didn’t think that would last for the next TEN years hahaha.

but I continued drinking, increased drinking even; and had a HELL of a time finding gainful employment, indeed, NEVER having gainful employment until about EIGHT years later. and now i am out of that hahaha. distracting myself for a few years with drinking; then for a couple years with rinky dink jobs and getting 70 more credits of College; then got gainfully employed; then melted down and lost muh waifu hahahaha and muh laifu as well.

well at least now i have lost 26 pounds, have a nice new suit that fits and looks good and makes me look like a man worthy of a 28k entry level job, hahahaha. and not like a total omega virgin. although you will glean that from my nervous rambling during interviews and general lack of confidence.

i mean i lost 16% of muh body weight hahaha pretty good uh. had 10 interviews, getting slowly better there. got not 1 but 2 new suits, check muh white privilege hahaha and and least LOOK sorta normie, apart from being short.

i mean i had WANTED to get an actual proper suit for YEARS. at least 3 years, if not 10 hahahaha, i was just too lazy to actually go out and do it. make the effort, talk to the right people, talk to a damn tailor, spend the money from muh savings, etc.

what if i had 30k in student loans like most normies???!?!?!?!?!? When the going gets tuff, normies get going, but I just completely fall apart!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

well, i would prob live with muh fam and take any shit job at the post office and then pay off those student loans as quickly as possible, maybe with the help of muh fam.

well i ended up living with muh fam anyway because i never made enough money to live elsewhere. it just wasnt worth it.

i mean i could prob afford to live in the ABSOLUTE GHETTO……but would you let your children live in the GHETTO??? and by ghetto i mean black crime ridden slum, hahahahaha.

Yeah parents should let their children make mistakes and learn from them…….but i ALSO think parents shouldnt let children make BIGASS mistakes that will ruin their life, like taking on 100k of debt, or letting them live in a ghetto. I wouldnt let MY children do it, so i can understand why MY fam didnt allow ME to do it.

alternatively, i guess you could raise your children to be aggressive fooking WARRIORS who you have no doubt could survive in the ghetto. make sure your kid is TOUGH AS NAILS and has a CPL license and essentially has good tactical training to deal with emergencies. but i STILL wouldnt want them living in the ghetto!

i would rather have them learn a useful skill, live at home, and the trade would be so useful that they could AFFORD to live somewhere non-ghetto at age 21 or so!

in case i wasn’t clear, by ghetto i mean nonwhite slum filled with nonwhite criminals. did i mention that I am a pro-white racist and probably an official white nationalist????

also communities with a alot of white trash are not much better. there are nearby communites on the “edge” of the black ghetto, where the black ghetto starts mixing with the white trash, and the whole things horrible. whites with neck tattoos, drugs and drinking, they talk and live like ingras, the women are fatherless mudshark single moms, they are basically white ingras and while they might be less violent……i still wouldnt want MY kids living around that, even to teach them a lesson.

but again. CONFIDENCE. i mean i was a tuff kid to raise. muh fam didnt know what to do with a weirdo like me, so they were just happy i got good grades in high school and got into a good college. after that, who knows, hopefully i can figure it out. well i sure didnt hahahaha. i peaked in high school.

i was protected from most of the bad shit but i STILL found ways to sneak alcohol, sneak MJ, be a bad boy like that.

so maybe i was doomed. the sin of pride.

i had the sin of pride but i was never confident!!!!! how does that work??!?!?!?!?!?!

yu want to get a HUGO BOSS suit because thats what the NSDAP wore hahahaha.

eh might as well upgrade to windows 10 already before it ends. all my important shit is in The Cloud anyway hahahaha. like thats secure.

basically i would focus on the issue of confidence with muh children.

and thats the thing! my fam tried to build muh confidence! they were concerned about muh confidence and made efforts to boost it! so i appreciate that and i am grateful to them! THEY TRIED! hehehehehe.

but i always quit shit. quit softball team, quit soccer, quit boy scouts,  i didnt like any of that shit. should they have forced me to not quit? certainly i became kinda a QUITTER in my adult life too. quitting skool, quitting jobs, quitting life, hahaha.

i’ve ALWAYS been neurotic and jooish. i remember writing stuff like this in 1995 for gods sakes. over TWENTY years ago. I first began really writing. and MUCH of my writing was on my own ISSUES. and it didnt really RESOLVE the issues! it was just COMPLAINING about them! why dont women like shy sensitive unmasculine men? why do normies suk so much? where are all the NICE gurls? why does the church hate gays and onanists? if i had a nice gf i would totally have premarital secs with her and said fook you to the oppressive church! why do all these gurls smoke weed and drink! well now that im trying MJ and alcohol, i can see how its fun, but i STILL dont like to go out and party with all these boisterous party people! cant we just have a small quiet party? why dont we know any gurls?

teen angst grrrr. well just get thru high school, then get through college, then you can get a good job and everything will all work out in the end. i wish i didnt have to go to college, cuz skool SUCKS, but in order to get a good job nowardays you HAVE to go to college, and i get good grades in high school, i am gonna go to college, FINE, play their game, get the piece of paper, get a decent job, then life can begin. i can make some money, slowly move up, maybe meet some nice gurls then.

DIDNT HAPPEN LIKE THAT hahahaha.

I had SOME of it right….like yeah college IS very important. but it can ALSO be VERY USELESS depending on how you do it. and I did it ALL WRONG. that was a CRUCIAL mistake, one of my biggest mistakes.

i have been in this memory lane shit the past 2 days, really reflecting on muh whole life, muh childhood, how i ended up THIS WAY.  the type of thing you could and maybe should talk about with your waifu. but then she would LEAVE you for showing weakness and vulnerability!

i tried to build confidence with music, but it was frustrating as fook. i had to work more to get the money to buy the equipment, plus, the root cause problem, i wasnt creative musically. i couldnt write music, so i couldnt fulfill my goal of being in a band to Play Shows.

of course the idea of being in a Cover Band was ridiculous to me. i wish i wasnt so closed minded against that. really my best memories of playing music was playing cover songs.

now i did manage to be a LITTLE creative musically and I made the most of that, doing it My Way, essentially having a Solo Project. No real equipment, just recording songs on a computer.

THAT led to some real confidence when I completed songs there. but that was few and far between. it was SO Frustrating getting over those humps. every time i wrote a song it really was a bit of a miracle.

ok ok ok so i was never the most confident.

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