WOMEN: SERIAL HEART KILLERS

june 29

sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit

how many job apps a day do i need to do to Feel OK about uh self? 5? 8? 10? 14? 20? obviously, the higher the better. because my new goal is to get to 500 job apps and maybe by then i will have a yob hahahaha. at 200 now.

well, how abotu 420 hahaha.

so not to DOX too much but at our weekly social game night we have a guy who has been “glomming” onto our group for a Long Time, like almost 2 years, and he has a reputation for being Drunk, Obnoxious, and Overbearing. It has gradually been getting Worse instead of better and our Group Leadership is reaching a point where they want to Dump this guy, but of course that would involve a difficult conversation.

i could not help but see the parallels between this and my situation, especially when Our Leader said half-jokingly that he wished he could just “GHOST” the guy.

HOWEVER there are also such important differences that this is APPLES AND ORANGES from my situation with the woman.

in other words, it would behoove me not to dwell on the tiny similairities here, but instead the big differneces.

because basically i dont want to be like this guy, also, this does not involve a close connection between two people, but a casual connection to a social group for a specific gaming night.

also he has a pattern of this type of behavior, and has been pushed away from other groups for the exact same reason.

but yeah i hate to think i was like HIM to HER.

but i WASNT, because we had a real friendship.

even APART from the Special Feelings which I had, BEFORE all that shit, it was STILL a Good Close Friendship. something real and long term and valuable and worth something. even BEFORE I got feelings. and you cant just throw something of Value away like that.

but yeah it was a good example of a Negative Cognitive Distortion (Despair Causing) when I thought O GOD IM JUST LIKE HIM to HER. I was so overbearing that I got what I deserved, i couldnt take a hint, couldnt see the writing on the wall.

sort of….but the relationship was TOTALLYYYYYYYYYYYY different from this social group. I am not particularly intimate or super-close with any of the men, and I felt I was closer and more intimate with Her than with Them.

not that they are bad guys! the relationship is just very well-defined and compartmentalized.

even this drunk guy is not a bad guy per se….he just gets very overbearing when drinking. he is normally overbearing but its somewhat tolerable when sober, but he is unfort a bit of a habitual drinker, often pre-drinking before showng up to the pub, where he drinks some more and get incoherent, slurring the words drunk.

but he is not a physical or confrontational guy, rather he is desperate to Belong and Fit In and be Connected and Be Accepted and Have Friends. which are very legitimate desires which we ALL have. so i cant blame him for that.

but his personality and his drinking just push everyone away!

so i thought oh god what if my personality just pushes peopel away!

also i USED to be an obnoxious drunk like that who annoyed people with my drunkenness. but i totally changed that and stopped drinking altogether.

anyway  i hate to think she viewed ME like our group views HIM. just an annoying nuisance who needs to be kicked out because its just gotten to be Too Much and it makes the event less fun.

but again, APPLES AND ORANGES, because its a totally different type of relationship!!!!!!

now he is very bitter towards his ex wife, and i am SURE his behavior had something to do with that.

but im sure she gave him time. i mean they had to be MARRIED for like 10 years, they had a kid, etc.

but he managed to apparently make good money and retire at a very below average age and now has plenty of money to drink yikes.

its SAD really because hes not a bad guy, and there is some good raw material there. its TRAGIC how he pushes people away. its like a sad little boy who just wanted friends but he was just too much to handle so no one wanted to be friends with him.

and i hate to be like THAT!

http://bbs.dailystormer.com/t/the-death-cult-skipping-towards-the-graveyard/37665

heheheh good anti gay article at daily stormer

mein negers hahahaha

i just gave andy anglin ANOTHER 50 cents the other day when he was having 503 server overload hehehe

but yeah I WAS OVERBEARING AND somehwat obnoxious i admit it…..but dont ghost me bro hahaha. i wasnt just glomming on to you. you used to show an interest in ME and said i was a good friend and i thought you were a good friend and things were good for almost 2 years and we got along really well. didnt THAT mean anything to you? didnt THAT build any goodwill? dont you think that earns me more than a Ghosting? i wasnt just some overbearing hanger-on. I was a REAL TRUEFRIEND.

i was a true friend, not some weird guy you just temporarily tolerated.

so i think i had EARNED better response to my weirdness, when I got weird.

protein powder + whole milk + coffee oh yeah hahaha.

some companies do not post on indeed at all but you can find them all over MONSTER. learn how to set up company alerts to email you immediately wiht new postings, from monster, careerbuilder as well as indeed.

references OTHER than previous employers and relatives??? AND relatives???? OTHER than previous employers??? wtf???

also applications that demand a full 15 year record INCLUDING explanation for ALL gaps.

i guess they are intentionally trying to limit their applicant pool….which is good for me, right?

QUALIFICATIONS:

Non Smoker

Does Not require Medical Benefits

hehehehe wow theres a new one, see something new every day. so you want medical benefits? NOT WITH US! you’re not GOOD ENOUGH to DESERVE medical benefits! you gotta PAY YOUR DUES before you can get a job with BENNIES!

was at the Supermarket and I saw a woman driving a car in the parking lot that looked SO MUCH like her. i thought it WAS her.

it wasnt the car i remember her having, but she could ostensibly have gotten a different car, there was a vanity license plate which she probably wouldnt get. there was a man in the passenger seat.

maybe she got a new boifran and is driving his car because he is in a bad mood or his license is suspended hahahaha. at least the guy was white hahaha.

hut yeah its hard to see a person driving a car 15 feet away, i tried as best i could, and all i could tell was that they looked very similar to That Woman. but this has happened occasionally. Every 25 year old white gurl with long dark hair wearing sunglasses I think is HER.

so, it probably WASNT her, but I still dont like seeing people that remind me of HER.

ok got it up (hehehe) to eight legit applications today. that was muh goal and i wasnt sure if i would get there. so good for me and have some grade A and B+ postings to do tomorrow.

or how about i need to get 100 rejection emails? only have 42 so far hehehe.

heh this is how i should be approaching WOMEN. 8-10 25 year old, no children, n < 5, white women PER DAY. hahahaha because there are a shitload of women like that.

hey you cant make a whore into a housewife. once a slut always a slut. better to have tendies than roasties hahahaha.

yeah i hate seeing women that look like her. reminds me of her. and we used to have something really GOOD. even BEFORE I fell in feelings with her, we had something very good and important and valuable.  now absolutely nothing but pain and bitterness and some regret.

some really good times like i never had with a woman……..but also some reallllllll baddddddd times that I think outweighed the good times.

but i want to have those kind of good times with a woman. but i still want HER to be that woman. i have not gotten over HER in other words and that will still take awhile.

but yeah you cant make a degenerate into a nondegenerate hahaha.

well sure you can! I changed my ways didn’t I?

i just think its apples and oranges when you are talking about an n > 4 woman. those are people you’re talking about. not like drugs or alcohol or some inanimate object. and that is the Life Creation Process we’re talking about, not just Getting Loaded.

DO YOU REALLY WANT A WHORE FOR THE MOTHER OF YOUR CHILDREN?????

heheheh

but yeah you fear that how can something THIS special happen more than ONCE in your life. i mean it feels like a once in a lifetime thing. moreover, how the hell is it gonna happen in like the medium term of the next ten years, because you want to find a woman under 30 so she can have damn CHILDREN, and having CHILDREN is VERY affected by age. Like yeah kinda stupid if I am 80 years old and finally find true luv again with some 70 year old woman. realllll fooking stupid. i think you only fall in true luv IF they are in fact YOUNG enough to be fairly fertile. in other words, being of Fertile Age can CAUSE luv. or its a PREREQUISITE. you’re not gonna fall in luv with a woman past the age of child bearing.

in other words, LOVE is Child-Focused, or at least, Reproduction-Focused. Life-Creation-Focused.

june 30.

ayo hol up. so i just got a sort of rejection email from the POST OFFICE saying that there is an exam requirement, and the maximum number of exam takers has been reached so….i am out of luck. this is for the carrier job. well sheeeit i already took the 473 exam or whatever and did pretty good on it. this is NOT the PSE mail processor job i had the more in depth interview for. but THEY said yeah we dont really have an exame for this job. in other words, i thought the exam i actually took was for this darn CARRIER position (also PSE I’m sure) which i got the email abotu today. so what if the tests are full? I ALREADY TOOK THE TEST ALMOST 2 MONTHS AGO!

anyway like i say i am very negative about the post office hahaha

but yeah technically yesterday was pretty good. got 8 legit applications in, got a 5 mile walk in the BEAUTIFUL sun, have to maximize that. made some cigarets, went to social gaming night, listened to the fatherland.

3 applications in before 12 pm hahahaha that is pretty good for me

did not have any interviews this week. ideally i would have 1 or 2 every week.

shit. got 7 done by 2:30 pm. so close to 8. gotta do it. gotta PUT IN THE REPS even when youre not getting results hehehe.

wewlad, 226 applied jobs now. got muh 8th in at a “business process services” place ie a possibly glorified kinkos hehehe.

so now would be the perfect time to go Find Leads. Originate Shit to apply to muh 8 tomorrow.

newest dark tranquillity album does not sound bad or even boring at all. he brings back the cleans a bit! and he has good cleans.

idiot on youtube says insomnium is way better than dark tranquillity. wow just wow. i cant even. no just no. um yeah no. you seem fun. you seem smart ahhahahaha.

im 12 and what is this

heh you know you are old when you dont have to make excuses to enjoy at the gates “slaughter of the soul”, or preface this with a bunch of apologies and qualifiers and ironies. because you are so old that you listened to it within 5 years of it coming out. but 10 to 15 years after it came out, it was reviled as the harbinger of super derivative and boring Melodeth that was just being copied and copied to death. yeah well i never listened to that shit. I just listened to SOTS when I was 17 and there was not really a New Wave of Melodeth. When dark tranquillity and in flames were still young and exciting bands. I actually saw DT and IF on tour together in concert. that was a good show. small club in….2002?

i didnt know much of in flames but they were headlining and they were real good.

but i did know some of DT and they were really really good and should have been headlining imho. but in flames was suprisingly good too.

and then in flames got crapped on to no end later, as did at the gates. DT got crapped on the least.

none of them really deserves to get crapped on!

good live recording of DT in 2009 (actually 2008). by this time i had tuned out of DT but i sort of came back later and caught up. good band. massive respect. I really should try to see them live again. it has been like 14 years since i saw them that one time hahaha.

well it is 4th of july weekend. all the managers and powerful peopel will be taking a long weekend so i prob didnt have a lot of chance to have an interview this week, and maybe the shit will pour in NEXT week, after the holiday.

rejection email for 35k a year admin asst job, a rare FT job at this place i would liek to get in. 28 days after the application.

heheheh so youre saying i should not expect much from those 40k jobs i applied to recently hehehe.

uh yeah i think i might be saying that? i dunno know and i cant get any clarification, so….you just have to take my not so good guess hahahaha.  IT IS WHAT IT IS.

anyway DT actually make playing live look fun and remind me of why I wanted to do it. doesn’t mean they cant be degenerates tho.

but its hard for people who want to live a nondegenerate life of having wife and keeids.

oh you mean doing drugs and alcohol and banging degen disease sluts and acting like ingras all the time gets old? hahaha.

OF COURSH!

oh good for them, they’re not even so drunk they can’t play their instruments for the people who paid 30 bucks to see them hahaha. good for them. i dont show up so drunk to work every day that i cant do my job. when i had a job hahahaha.

see i experienced the drugs and alcohol but i never experienced the banging sluts. like a revolving door of white trash sluts with their own drinking and drug problems. i banged a very middle class slut once who went on to have a great career despite her bipolar hahahaha. although I’m pretty sure her marriage failed LOL. because she’s a bipolar slut who is probably really bad at relationshits hahaha.

well she’s good at career though. I am bad at both relationships AND career!

well at least I’m not BIPOLAR!

well i might be hahaha. give it another 10 years of Treatment Resistant Depression and Shitty High Stress Jobs and Woman Hating, hahaha.

its really not hard to like women if they’re not bitchy to you.

put another way, its really easy to overlook their major shortcomings when they are making an effort to be NICE to you!

if a job is in a Call Center, they should say that up front. You shouldn’t have to have a damn INTERVIEW to find out its in a Call Center. And also you have to ask them at the interview: yes or no. is this in a call center. and give me an idea of the pay. like, i will apply for a 30k job and feel pretty entitled. I apply to a 40k job and I know that is a Huge Reach, and maybe I shouldnt even waste my time.

but I would be most HOPEFUL about a….25-28k job. or a 14-15 DAH job. and you dont see a lot of postings advertising something in that sweet spot. you will see postings of 9 DAH or 20 DAH, with nothing in between hehehe.

well what I want is 14 DAH…..and no jobs will publicly post that wage.

hey really good sound on that live album above. that is NOT easy to do with a live metal recording. the vast majority of metal live recordings are shitty hehehe. can only listen to them if you are a Huge Fan In The Mood. but this one will make you a huge fan and put you in the mood!

heh. i wish i could just go back to drinking. its something social to do. you go out with people and you DRINK. and hopefully they like you because you are out socializing and DRINKING with them. I guess I could bring MJ to these sorts of things…..but i dont like doing MJ with people unless I feel Super Close with them. I always feel very Self Conscious, liek people are Judging me.

so it says a lot that I really WANTED to smoke MJ with That Woman…..when NORMALLY I dont want to smoke MJ with ANYBODY.

thats actually a good measure for how close of a friend they are: would you want to smoke MJ with them, or would you just get nervous around them?

a “good alternative” to me drinking would be me doing BENZOS hahaha. but I would need to take a COUPLE. take at LEAST 2 valiums or xanaxs, if not 3.

some women will stubbornly stay with and NOT give up their boifrands who are depressed or otherwise Not Right hehehe.  I have to think that these men are extremely masculine otherwise, because Depression (Despair) makes a man less masculine and essentially makes him VERY unattractive to women, in other words, it will drive women away, and you can’t expect ANY woman to Be There For You during your Hard Times, because your Hard Times will make you very repulsive, and you will push them away.

Now I’m not saying your GF Waifu should help Cure Your Issues. I AM saying they should Stand By You and Support You while you DEAL with the Ups and The Downs. And now LEAVE you when you start first showing Signs of Weakness and you Need them the Most, then blame them for being Weak and Needy.

So what ELSE is it about these Depressed men who DONT drive their tradwaifus away with their depression? Where the woman says, oh noes, I want to help my beloved husbando get through this! We’ll get thru this together!

cuz bitches dump ME at the very first sign I am not fooking Super Confident Thor Alpha. And Depression/Despair attacks your Alpha Confidence DIRECTLY. It attacks That Which Makes you Attractive to Women.

Meanwhile, when WOMEN get Depression, it has NO RELEVANCE to what makes women attractive to men. So Men are more likely to stay with a woman with Issues, than a Woman will stay with a man With Issues.

shit That Woman didnt even know the Depths Of My Despair, shit as far as I’m concerned its nobodys business but my own, i refuse to tell a woman about it because I KNOW it will make them BOLT like the road runner, leaving just a cloud of dust.  cuz thats just how women ARE. they leave you in the lurch and dont support you, so you better not show ANY weakness or need of support.

so i never told her I see a shrink once every 3 weeks, or that I have been taking AD’s since like 2008. and that this despair is very much tied into my Failure At Life.

But she didn’t really care that I was a Failure at life! She didn’t SEE me that way!

and honestly i am not a TOTAL failure at life! My True Friends dont regard me as a total failure who doesnt deserve to have True Friends!

they dont BAIL on me the second I have a Personal Problem!

True Friends DONT DO THAT!

And I thought she was a true friend.

but its my fault to compromise that with muh feelings. muh fee fees .

i think she WAS a true friend, but she was an IDIOT about dealing with that.

i was an idiot too, or, more accurately, a coward.

shit, she was an idiot AND a coward! and idiot because she totally misunderstood what this meant, and she felt betrayed and mad. at least I was smart enough to know that It Wasnt Betraying.

stupid idiot. would rather suck dicks and get fooked up the ass than not throw away someone she was true friends with for 2.7 years hahahahaha.

i REALLY hope not all women are like this! and she was one of the GOOD ones!!!!

well this is just a case of a good person being a YUGE coward.

ive been a huge coward too and i am basically a good person. but no one was really HURT by my cowardice, other than myself. i never broke anyones HEART with muh cowardice.

i dont WANT to break anyones heart……even after its been done to ME! i dont want to put anyone through this! i would make an effort NOT to break a persons heart in this way.

ok have to do the 5 miler, listen to dark tranquility and the fatherland with richard spencer the phag lover hahahaha. he’s got a faggy voice, why doesn’t his wife leave him? and she’s not even a man because they have a child together!

well because he’s very handsome and apparently charismatic, to lead his organzation. but he doesnt seem THAT charismatic tho! But he IS very handsome. and I think he Lifts. just a little at least. but that phaggy voice and the lack of charisma is gonna cause his wife to leave him and their child hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha jk.

went for 5 mile walk, only listened to dark tranquillity, pretty good show, maybe the guitar sound wasnt AS good as I thought it was, well its still pretty good. very listenable. but I still dont see how “when death is most alive” is a better closer than “final resistance” or another bona fide classic.

and whenever i experience good thrilling things, i wish SHE was there to Share them with. but she is gone forever.

yep 11.5 months later and still.

it’s honestly LESS PAINFUL to HATE women!!!! than to think of her and still want her!

so thats why i hate women. it’s BETTER than the alternative!!!!! its LESS PAINFUL to ME!!!! it protects me and builds a nice protective scar over a deep gaping wound! it allows the gaping wound to slowly HEAL! but its only about 55% healed so far! in 1 year! therefore, 100% in 2 years! yeah thats heavy…..AS IT SHOULD BE!!!!! falling in LUV is a BIG DEAL!!!!

2 years is ok, 4 years is not. and I REALLY dont think it will be 4 years.

set up google alert to deliver me news on the organization that is pushing for legal weed in muh state because they dont have a mailing list and i dont want to look at their facebook hehe

muh soggy knee

damn. weed is degenerate ingra trash but i still feel it would HELP get me THROUGH this Trial. more like a prison sentence hehehe. one more year to go hehehe.  just got to keep going through the motions till then.

http://bbs.dailystormer.com/t/arizona-has-collected-200-000-signatures-demanding-marijuana-legalization/37833

heh tailor made topic for me. great comments

As for those who claim using weed can alleviate anxiety and depression, so can companionship and community. In fact, I would venture to say it is our atomized society and destroyed families that are the cause of so much drug use. The long-term solution to drug abuse is the re-establishment of the traditional family structure and society. In the mean time the powers that be should use draconian laws to crack down on this behavior.

another:

The real studies on the long term effects have shown that marijuana increases the size of the pleasure centers within the brain, which means it requires ever greater amounts of stimuli to trigger them.

What this means in real terms is that outside of the activities that are enjoyed while getting high, the smoker is being actively “brainwashed” or Pavlovian trained to only enjoy consuming the mediums and doing the things that are commonly done while high. This means TV and movies that are produced by j’s that are targets those specific markets is that much more effective in indoctrinating those people.

In effect marijuana allows them to brainwash those people and condition them to be purely hedonistic consumers and likely race-traitors.

It basically means that marijuana is an effective weapon to leverage goys into degeneracy.

That is why they push for it. Every place that has legal marijuana also has ridiculous firearm restrictions as well. There is no such thing as a coincidence when talking about j’s.

another:

Alcohol will kill you before it allows you to be effectively indoctrinated.

I am not advocating it’s consumption constantly or in excess, but it’s far less dangerous to our society than marijuana. Marijuana is very deceptively dangerous, as it’s danger is subversive, not visibly present.

another:

An ex-weed smoker here.

Weed is much more dangerous than people think. It won’t get you crazy, you won’t kill your family, won’t make you do crime to get it. But it weakens your willpower and gives you a false feeling of saticefaction. Also people think that it lasts for a couple of hours and that’s it. It’s bullshit. It effects your brain even the day after you smoked it. The majority is just too blunt to notice it. But it really does.

ok thats enough haha. END QUOTES

but im using it for MEDICAL purposes, to help with muh despair and anxiety. and to help me get over broken heart. and to help me escape into a fantasy world from a disappointing real world hahahaha. to be content with substandard shit. to be content with being a LAZY LOSER the rest of muh life. yikes!

I took responsibility for what I did wrong, why couldnt YOU???!?!?!?!?

because she was having hard times in life, was overwhlemed and scared, and was cowardly and immature, and her father abandoned her, and her BF broke her heart and threw HER away recently, and her mother doesnt get along with men well, and she’s still not over the more serious BF, and she is Emotionally Retarded hehehe.

so I don’t really mean WHY, i mean, jeez I wish you could have taken responsibility for what you did wrong, like I did.

TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHAT YOU DID WRONG.

I DID!!!!

really i dont care if MJ gets legalized recreationally, it would be just as good for me if Medical MJ were approved for Despair or Anxiety, because I have documented conditions for those. ESPECIALLY despair.

at the moment, shady old retired doctors will give you a certification just for walking in. doesnt matter if you have no records, no bona fide doctor patient relationship, no qualifying conditions!

that is how That Woman got HER medical card! just wandered into some random place and was “in and out in 5 minutes lol” with no medical records, no questions about qualifying conditions. she doesnt even know what the qualifying conditions ARE. and lemme tell ya, she doesnt have a one.

i could probably ask the guy i see at my weekly social thing if he can get any MJ for me hehehehe. my problem right now is that I dont really know anyone who can get me it hehehe. it used to be That Woman because she had a medical card and went to The Store regularly and was More Than Happy to Pick Something Up For Me. and I said ohhh thank you sweetie you are the greatest, i hope we can hang out this month and smoke some MJ together, it would be so much fun! never happened hahahaha. but she had no problem with buying stuff for me. Weird amirite? well i mean I would pay for it of course hahaha.

i mean 10 years ago, the whole town would go “dry” and we couldnt get MJ for WEEKS sometimes hahahaha.

and you certainly couldnt have any CHOICE in what KIND of MJ you got! you either had low medium or high quality. no differentiation between sativa and indica, which to me is the most important thing. sativa makes me panic, indica doesnt hahaha.

but despair peopel who take MJ can sometimes get WORSE! maybe thats what happened to me, now i am permanently fooked up!

 

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